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#his works are amazing read them
suokokuism · 4 months
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uh oh, posting an original work here. Im not good with poetry but I wanted to try. Hope it's not shitty
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Some softish wedding vibes for the lovely @flowercrowngods sorry this took all day
The wedding was beautiful. A cosy little affair in the forest surrounding the Byers-Hopper cabin, just The Party and their immediate family. The guests had a myriad of mismatched chairs decorated with pretty tulle bows, the aisle strewn with wildflower petals collected by the kids, fairy lights strung from the trees casting a warm glow over the dusk ceremony.
The older teens of the party had been on decorating duty and they’d done a great job, even if Steve did say so himself.
Joyce looked stunning in her simple, lace summer gown, Hop beaming and wiping tears from his eyes as Jon walked his mum down the aisle.
Claudia sobbed loudly, Dustin tutting but handing her tissues, shhing her every now and again, making everyone hide a smile behind their hands when she'd wailed "it's just so beautifulllllll!"
Murray had officiated, dressed in ceremonial robes and actually on his best behaviour for a change. Will was Joyce's man of honour, El was Hop's best woman, Steve had never seen either of them look more radiant.
Steve had been roped into dress shopping by El and Max because although she was doing much better, Max's eyesight wasn't what it once was and Steve was apparently the only one with any fashion sense. He was glad he'd gone with them because the three of them had had so much fun, both girls had picked beautiful dresses without really needing his help at all, not that it stopped him smiling to himself as they spun happily in front of the floor length mirror, letting the skirts flow around them, or from taking them both for new records and ice cream, that Dustin had thrown a two hour fit for missing out on.
Then somehow the mum's had talked him into taking all the boys to hire tuxedos, not that he'd minded but Eddie had tagged along when he heard from Dustin that it was going to be a fun road trip with new records and ice cream, and seeing him spin out of the dressing room, all high on life from being with the kids and out of Hawkins, his hair tied up in a messy bun had taken Steve's breath away. Luckily he'd managed to cover it up with a laugh when Dustin had popped out next dressed in a white tux, strutting around because he thought he looked like Elvis.
So they all looked gorgeous and it was all just very sweet and picturesque and romantic.
Although Steve could've done without Mike snarking in his ear at every opportunity, snapping his name like his nanny used to when he was misbehaving, except Steve wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact the first time he'd been told off he'd been up a ladder hanging lights, the second time he'd only walked out the cabin, now dressed in his suit, trying and failing to get his tie perfect. The third time he'd been stuffing cake in his mouth in a rush because his and Max's song had just come on but he was torn between moving and eating, so he'd sloppily thrown the cake in his mouth, frosting pouring out the edges of his lips. Steve didn't get his reaction, yeah it was a little gross but Max was laughing so who cared.
So as soon as the song ended and El came back to dance with Max, Steve grabbed Mike by the collar and dragged him into the cabin.
"Okay, what's your problem? You've been at me all day!" Steve demanded to know, hands on his hips.
Mike spluttered and grouched incoherently, something about Eddie, him being a person, which was just perplexingly obvious. And for someone who'd had a lot to say all day, he suddenly wasn't saying anything, but Steve knew if he just waited Mike out, he'd eventually get his thoughts out in a coherent sentence. Except Will came dashing into the cabin, eye's lighting up when they landed on Mike, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him back out into the party, before he ever had a chance.
Steve sighed rejoining the reception, mingling and chatting and trying not to be too obvious as he watched Eddie, maybe he'd said something to Mike, maybe he'd noticed the way Steve hadn't really been able to keep his eyes to himself, since, well since forever really but he'd definitely been more consciously aware of his lingering gazes since he'd woken up in the hospital with a joke and a groan, and they'd only become more incessant since he'd first seen him in that damn tux. Christ, Steve get a hold of yourself!
He just hopes he wasn't making Eddie uncomfortable, he didn't think he was because every time Eddie glanced over, it was always with a big smile, the one that started soft but grew until his dimples were showing when Steve smiled back, so he was almost sure that probably wasn't it, surely he'd look away like Robin did when men letched over her.
The next time Mike snapped at him, he was only dancing with Robin, not closely and certainly not well. Dancing In The Moonlight by King Harvest was playing, it was a song they all knew and loved and listened to whenever they all hung out. Robin had dragged him to his feet, just as he'd sat down with Wayne to chat about next weekend's game, and forced him to dance, waggling his arms around and doing all the silly moves until he couldn't help but join in.
Steve's eyes immediately snapped to Eddie, who was sitting by the edge of the makeshift dance floor, looking more miserable than Steve had ever seen him, even when he was a wanted man and on the run. Steve handed Robin to Mike, who protested about being forced to dance, but Robin had had a few glasses of wine and didn't seem too fussed about who she was dancing with, so long as she had a dance partner.
Wayne had his arm slung over the back of Eddie's chair but Eddie was slouched forward head in his hands forlornly watching everyone dance instead of joining like he usually would. Wayne and Steve shared a smile as he headed towards them, Wayne jumping up with a mumbled excuse, disappearing over to the buffet table to chat with Claudia.
Steve loved how he never needed words with Wayne, it was like he could read Steve like a book, had since their first meeting in Eddie's hospital room, he'd just given Steve a hard stare and for a second he thought he was about to get a smack or at least thrown out but Wayne had just given him a soft smile and pulled out another uncomfortable plastic chair for Steve to sit with him at Eddie's bedside.
They'd been fast friends, bonding over stories of Eddie, sports and an adoration of cheese of all things. Wayne even called him son, like he did with Eddie but that was probably just because there hadn't been a weekend since Eddie left the hospital, where Steve hadn't been at their new government bought apartment, screaming at the tv or the radio with Wayne, Eddie huffing and rolling his eyes and bemoaning that he was being forced to put up with two sports fanatics.
But Steve quickly learned the easiest way to settle Eddie was through his stomach, staying after the game to make fresh pizza or four cheese gnocchi or manicotti, from recipes he'd stolen from an old trunk in his attic, watching with pride as both Munson's wolfed down his food, was the easiest way to make Eddie beam at him.
Eddie hadn't noticed Steve coming over, didn't even perceive his presence until there was nothing but a pair of legs directly in his eyeline, forcing Eddie to look up at him.
"Hi," Steve said tentatively, Eddie's smile settling quickly back into place but not quite meeting his eyes.
"Stevie," Eddie greeted, aiming for normality but just the fact that he hadn't drawn out the e gave him away, "nice moves," he teased, sounding a bit too grouchy to be playful.
Steve adored that about their dynamic, the playful mocking, the poking and tickling and doing whatever they could to make the other bite back or laugh hysterically or both but it felt less like their playful banter and more like a defense mechanism, like maybe Eddie was mad with him.
And maybe it was something about the soft warm lighting or the giant strawberry moon peering down on them or the fact that they were at a wedding but something felt bigger, heavier but at the same time incredibly delicate like one wrong move could destroy them both.
"Dance with me," Steve murmured instead of teasing him back, holding his hand out for Eddie to take. Eddie furrowed his brows and blinked owlishly at him, Steve couldn't help thinking he looked adorable but if he let his introspection go on too long, he'd be lost for the night. Steve wafted his hand impatiently, trying to snap Eddie into the present but he only blinked slowly at his outstretched hand too.
"Aren't you dancing with Robin?" Eddie eventually asked hesitantly, which confused the living bejesus out of Steve because surely he couldn't mean…
Steve shook his head vigorously trying to send that mental image back to the pits of hell where it belonged, glancing purposefully over to the dance floor, he could see Robin'd got her arms around Nancy's neck blushing deeply as she babbled constantly. He knew she hadn't quite been able to look at Nancy the same way since they'd visited Creel together but Nancy had her arms securely around Robin's waist, listening intently and grinning and maybe, just maybe…
"I think she's content with her new partner," Steve mumbled, knowing full well that Eddie knew Robin almost as closely as he did, knew that Eddie could see what he saw and that whatever he was doing was some kind of avoidance technique, "dance with me."
They'd danced before, alone and in front of the party, there was no reason for Eddie to be nervous, didn't stop him looking anxiously around Steve's legs at the dancefloor, "There's people," Eddie muttered dejectedly.
Steve glanced over his shoulder and then back to Eddie, with a confused frown, "You mean all the people who love and care about us?" he asked affectionately.
Eddie snorted and huffed, "You," he corrected shortly.
Steve's brows furrowed deeply, "Huh?"
Eddie sighed, rolling his eyes, "All the people who care about you," he clarified grumpily.
Oh no, he's gone down the rabbit hole.
Steve sighed heavily, "Okay, that's not even close to the truth, but for the sake of not arguing, if they care about me, they have to care about you," he informed him.
Eddie sniggered, "Why, you gonna beat 'em up if they don't?" Eddie tried to tease but it came out too flat.
"No," Steve sighed, hooking his finger under Eddie's chin and forcing him to look at him, "anyone who doesn't care about you, doesn't get to care about me. These people are my family but if it came down to a choice of them or you, I'd pick you every time," Steve admitted sincerely.
Eddie's breath hitched but he didn't say anything, looked like he might cry if he did.
Steve decided it was time to just use his trump card, "Dance with me. Please."
And just like that Eddie jumped to his feet dragging Steve onto the dancefloor, because Eddie never denied Steve anything when he said please, not that Eddie ever denied him anything really but it was like a little button that overpowered all Eddie's apprehension and theatrics.
"Can I stay with you please?"
"C'mon Eddie, up, Owens says it'll be good for you to go for a little walk. No? Please?"
"Could you just keep talking until I fall asleep please?"
"Can you pick Dustin up tonight please?"
"Could you bring milk when you come over please?"
"What's wrong Eds? Talk to me, please."
They got situated just as the song changed to a much slower one, At Last by Etta James. Appropriate, Steve thought gleefully. Eddie just stood there, a little shell-shocked and unsure but not running away so Steve gently took his hands and put them on his waist, circling his own around Eddie's neck, except Eddie had his arms perfectly straight keeping a space between them.
"What're you doing?" Steve asked, fond amusement in his voice, it wasn't like they'd never been close before.
"Leaving room for Jesus," Eddie replied, Steve recognised it as an autopilot response, Eddie long lost to his mind, but Steve couldn't help it, the bubble of laughter just burst right out of him. Sometimes Eddie was just inadvertently funny and when Steve laughed he'd stand there like he was replaying the conversation until Eddie was laughing too at his own comment but Eddie's face crumbled, trying to pull away but Steve just held on tighter.
"Hey, no, Eds. I wasn't laughing at you, just maybe we're a bit old for Jesus to need to dance with us. C'mere," Steve said, pulling Eddie closer, wrapping his arms more tightly around him, swaying slowly to the music.
The look in Eddie's eyes as they listened to the song told Steve all he needed to know about why Eddie had been avoiding him, why he was only looking his way when he thought Steve wasn't looking, why he was being so evasive, how he'd managed to spiral so far that he thought he and Robin, ugh, Steve can't even think it.
Even Mike's snapping made a whole lot more sense, "Stop messing with Eddie," boy really needs to learn to stop grumbling, "he's a person, he has feelings!" Mike could see Eddie pining and had taken it on himself to try to stop Steve doing whatever mundane task that had Eddie yearning.
It was probably the sweetest thing Steve had ever seen Mike do for someone who wasn't El or Will, even if it pissed Steve off that he'd always be a cad in Mike's eyes, that he just assumed that Steve was a bad guy (when he's done nothing but throw himself in front of him and his friends time and again to protect them) that he was purposefully leading Eddie on, being intentionally enticing just to hurt him.
Not that it mattered what Mike thought, he could only hope that it was all his biases and not that Eddie hadn't been venting to the kids, all that mattered was that that wasn't what Eddie thought of him.
The whole atmosphere of the night had changed, everyone had slowed and quietened, couples solely focused on the person in their arms. But Steve felt the ground under his feet change, drew from Captain Steve the guy who'd thrown the first punch at Billy to protect his kids, felt Sir Steve crawl up his throat, the Knight who'd gone into battle against an all-powerful beast and brought his comrades out of the pits of hell because he'd seen now, seen clearly for the first time in god knows how long and he couldn't just go back to pretending, not without giving this is best shot. And thank god for Etta James because she was going to help him, because he could do this, he could be brave and fight for what he wanted for a change.
He had a horrible singing voice but Eddie already knew that, told him so often and in many imaginative ways.
"I found a dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own," he sang quietly, trying to copy Wayne's looking into your soul look, trying to let Eddie see that his feelings are reciprocated, classing it as a win when Eddie grins, blushing deeply and mushes his face into Steve's neck.
"I've found a thrill to press my cheek to, a thrill that I've never known," he continued, nuzzling further into Eddie's neck because now he was this close it was like he couldn't get close enough.
"You smiled," Steve murmured against his skin, unable to wipe the lovesick smile off of his face. He and Eddie had always been close but they both knew this was different.
Originally it started with helping him limp around when he'd refuse to use his crutches, then when Wayne had to go back to work Steve started staying the night so Eddie could sleep without having to worry about waking up alone after a nightmare, he'd only spent the first few hours on the sofa before Eddie woke up screaming, sweaty and shaking, Steve hadn't even thought about it just clambered in behind Eddie pulling him flush against him, shhing him and running his fingers through his hair to get it out of his face, he didn't bother with the sofa again after that, they just shared Eddie's bed, soothing both their nightmares with the others presence.
But they've had time and distance from their trauma since then, most of them have been to therapy and they're all doing better, they can sleep in their own houses, in their own beds, they can all actually sleep for eight hours and wake up well rested. But he and Eddie stayed as close as ever, it's rare that they're never not touching, if Eddie's tired he'll attach himself to Steve like a backpack. They hug, they hold hands, Eddie even kissed him on the cheek one time, Steve's pretty sure it was an accident but he'd been so busy trying to hide the blush that'd sprung to his cheeks to really read the situation, maybe if he had they might've got here sooner because looking back Steve's not really sure how he missed all the signs, Eddie sits in his lap on movie nights for god sake.
"You smiled," Steve sang, pulling back to look at Eddie, to look at the adorable endeared grin and the pretty blush he can't hide because his hair's all tied up, still neat as a pin, showing just how much hairspray Claudia had used to hold it in place.
"And then the spell was cast," he crooned, because it was, from all the way back in school when Eddie would taunt the other jocks but there was never any bite in it when it came to Steve, his teasing came with a smile he never saw directed at anyone else, and he still remembers how it would make him preen a little and how he'd always feel a little peppier for the rest of the day.
But it felt like magic when they met for real, not the king and the jester but Steve and Eddie, battling the unknown side by side, Eddie smiling real smiles, teeth and dimples, all for Steve, because of Steve. And then of course he'd just had to be the hero and Steve had swore at him the whole way to the hospital because he'd been so mad but after days at his bedside, the first time he woke up and smiled at Steve, he knew from that moment on he was done for.
He'd just never thought they could have this, never dreamed Eddie would feel the same way so he buried that feeling deep down, enjoyed his friendship, relished being someone Eddie could rely on, being his confidant and still even when Eddie said "don't punch me but…" Steve had been too scared to rock the boat, didn't want to lose what they had because just because Eddie was interested in men didn't mean he was interested in him.
Who'd've thought Mike Wheeler would've been the one to make Steve see what was right on the end of his nose.
"And here we are in heaven," Steve trilled, resting his forehead against Eddie's trying to calm his heart before it beats right out of his chest, because there's butterflies taking flight and Steve's never in his life been nervous about a kiss but this one feels monumental and he can feel it coming and he wants it now and he also wants to wait and let this moment last forever.
"For you are mine," Eddie crooned, sounding more like a question. And as much as Steve always melts whenever Eddie sings, the fact that Eddie's still questioning his intentions, after he declared that Eddie's the most important person in his life, after what they're currently doing, just makes Steve realise how long Eddie's been his, how blind they've both been, how they've both been so wrapped up in what they can't have neither of them noticed it was right there for the taking.
Steve beams at him, let's Eddie see the way he makes him feel, the way he's always made him feel, nods like he's agreeing to a marriage proposal, deliriously happy and tear streaked.
"At last," Etta sings into the moonlit evening, as the boys seal their promise with a kiss.
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laugtherhyena · 2 months
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Doodle him up
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camellcat · 3 months
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WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?
#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR#WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT???#WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES???#AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS??????#did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head#(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS)#also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND—#I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like#I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it#like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it#the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions?#absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker??#anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off#THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT#I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do#I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me...#especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT#thirteenth doctor#doctor who#I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.
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Olena being pissed af after yet another Monday morning with Russian missile / drone attacks and roasting people on Twitter is the kind of Queen energy I love.
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She woke up and choose violence.
Good for her.
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sysig · 22 days
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Giving nicknames, testing boundaries (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#How /did/ Max come to like him so much in just two years? I have my theories :3#More Teen Max!! Nothing has changed I just continue to love him lol#Two years is a pretty quick turnaround for such a stubborn kid - though I guess for a child two years can be a long time haha#Went from just hating Dex's guts of trying to drive him away and make him quit and hating being kept on a short leash#Does make me wonder how much of him kissing him was an impulse - I mean obviously lol but how much was genuine attraction!#Certainly seemed like a lot :0 Even upon being rejected he couldn't give it up! Still took him another several years to act again tho haha#I mean - in the text lol who knows what they got up to in the time skips hehe ♪#AnyWay lol - them getting used to each other of slowly working into tolerating each other#Max said something in one of his wake-ups that as I read it implied Dexter was something of a polyglot?? Which - love that ♪#If not conversationally-fluent then at tourist-fluent y'know I think that's great <3#Which got me thinking about other languages and insults and curses haha#I like the idea of Dex only really strong-arming Max about Actual deviant behaviour - something that puts himself or others at risk#Harmless little things like any teen would do - like name-calling! Haha - just get a kind of neutral ''Huh''#As well as interest <3 Not an outright dismissal not a lecture but at least the appearance of investment!#Considering Max's home life I can't imagine he had all that many people genuinely (or fake) interested in his shenanigans#All about suppressing the symptoms more than rooting out the cause it's amazing what just showing a little interest can do#I also just think it's cute of Max getting away with something silly and harmless but totally biting and mean! <in his mind haha#Silly lad <3
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bigothteddies · 9 months
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forever thinking about the one smut story I read years ago that had incredible world building for this werewolf pack of men in a normal setting and detailed more about relationship dynamics and emotions than anything to do with sex
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baekuras · 25 days
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Tomorrow I need to do an eye checkup in english (instead of german aka the norm) and I just checked if there are any better ways to explains things or tell people what to do etc instead of my basically direct translations and turns out
nope
it sounds exactly as stupid as i already worded it, no special words or better formed sentences around 10/10 school english is good enough (nice)
#txts#i am not excited#bc its always difficult to do specialized shit in another language#AND the person i am examining doesnt even know english and has a translator#so I speak english and the translator translates it over#which CAN be fine#but for finer reactions it can screw things over a bit so i hope thats not the case (:#also my coworker who can also do these in english got salty and decided to not do them anymore bc its not in his job description#which like-great i guess we can all just decide not to do things#like....an eye exam which IS in our job description with no languages specified (:#but then he is also the first to cry about ppl not going above and beyond#truly amazing thinking there#its not even like its truly hard its just annoying to do if the person you examin doesnt fucking understand you#goes for native german speakers as well#some ppl just dont have braincells#'please look at the number 9 in the 3 line'#//begins to read the entire thing from the top again#look-stupidity is not a sin and neither is misunderstanding stuff even if sometimes idek how you could#but also.....pls just actually listen and comprehend the words i am using#also dont suddenly throw out a 3rd or 4th option on a 2 question answer#or dont fucking interrupt me during a question either (:#'alright so do you prefer 1 or-' 'URGH NO THATS SO BAD NO NEVER' 'OR 2' 'NOOOOOO THATS BAD!!!!! I CANT SEE!!!'#yes m'am we are fuCKING WORKING ON IT#RELAX PLEASE DEAR FUCKNG GOD WE ARE LIKE 30SECONDS IN#this suddenly turned into a tags-rant oops#but yeah#pet peeve is ppl fucking interrupting me (: or not listening at all ever (:
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cantofworms · 1 year
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#ok ik all the hot take asks are pre much done and the sparkly say smth nice asks are better but well I’ve been having thoughts all day at#work and want to get them out now so that’s what I’m doing lol#obvs for the past few months i think ppl are vv heavily leaning into the dnf /r and I firmly believe that they aren’t#like yes I enjoy being a multi shipper but I still primarily read dnf fics bc they’re cute dnf writers and artists MWAHH ilysm#but it’s been increasingly annoying how every move dnf make ppl hyper obsess over it and ignore everything else like blog what u want this#is tumblr dot com but I think ppl how only see dnf thro the lens of romantic do much more ‘harm’ than ppl who dont#like the argument about taking validation out of their very REAL amazing friendship just gets over shadowed by omg Dream posted a pic of#geogre they’re in LOVE and sucking and FUCKING every night. like#and then completely disregard when dnf do and say the exact same shit about all their other friends#like dream has explicitly said they aren’t dating (ignore that tho) amd that’s he’s kissed multiple ppl since coming out (ignore that too)#and their friends naturally say that they’re all single (ignore that too) idk man it’s ok they like to pander amd that dream is a toxic#dnfer but it’s all just For Funsies. another thing is ppl CONSTANTLYYYY putting geohres sexuality under a microscope oh he drinks lemonade#from Starbucks he’s soooo gay like dumb shit like that is so irritating#the fact that geogre has never once talked about his sexuality except that one instance where he got a DONO about it proves how much it#just doesn’t matter or apply to the type of content creator he is/wants to be#to be clear if he is or isn’t or dnf every explicitly announce their romantic relationship im gonna be sooooo happy and supportive like aw#dnfogies🫶🏻 but I think there’s a 99.9% chanve that’ll never happen so maybe we should all just care a Little Less and focus on out lgbt#creators if that’s smth u wanna watch/blog about idk maybe I’m just burnt out from the phandom but whyyyyy does is matter what their#sexualities are they play minecraft who cares who CARESSSS idk maybe just having older brothers around dtqk ages has made me realize that#guys will just act homiesexual no matter What#guys are just Like That and tbc I’m not saying that just bc gnf hasn’t made an official coming out doesn’t mean he’s not queer but for the#sake of his contwnt it doesn’t matter either way ? so why are ppl talking about it on the daily idk man it’s just annoying but Oh Well#at the end of the day they’re all famous white guys and nothing matters hurray !!
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biromanticbookbabe · 1 year
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Wow. Sometimes I'm very lucky and my bipolar doesn't always affect me much. But no such luck lately. I'm worried that I might have to retake my modern lit course because I was so late with many of my assignments. I've been mentally messed up more or less with a mixed mood episode since last September. I'm currently on the line of passing and not passing the class (granted there are a few ungraded assignments, including my final so it's still possible that I'm overreacting). I'm usually a good student too so it's a point of pride for me. I went from the honor roll to this all due to me fighting with an illness... :/ (It is my fault for not managing things better so I'm not looking for pity here- just talking).
I cannot imagine how horrible this disorder is for people who didn't have the option of medication (I am medicated, believe it or not). I think about that about that a lot since I study history and look into many writer's and artist's biographies in my spare time. I feel very bad for them since they basically had to live with this disorder without the fixes I have simply because I was born late enough for treatments to exist.
Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath both haunt me. Other people too. Yes, Lord Byron was extremely shocking but consider- we don't actually know what he would have been like if he could have been treated. He wouldn't have died at 36, I'm almost certain of that. I am highly aware of what this disorder has done to people before me. It doesn't make it better. But I keep looking back any way, to see that many of them did incredible things, in spite of it all.
I just keep thinking that if they could do so much without any treatment- that I should be able to function with treatment??? I know: don't compare yourself to other people but I'm desperate to know that I can be successful even with this illness. That it's not going to force me to leave school (the one thing I have been historically good at) and waste my life toiling away for nothing.
So if it seems as if I have been hitting my head against something lately, you aren't wrong. The fall is not generally my friend, pretty as the leaves are. I have not been having a good time of it but we must go on any way because what other option is there? None, I tell you.
#leaves pretty brain shitty has been my fall for the last few years since 2018 at least...#consistently fall has been bad for my cycle though I like that time of year normally#granted a lot of things kept happening every fall since 2018 too#bipolar disorder#actually bipolar#I probably am a closet perfectionist in some cases#I am exhausted thanks for asking!#and yes for a few semesters I was an honor roll student in my grad school- not any more though LOL#seriously I'm going into debt for this degree and uh that promise to waive our debt never came to light so I'm very fucked rn#I have to finish this degree so I can work off my debt and build a good reputation for myself#I'm honestly afraid my illness might take away my ability to have a career at all; I'm desperate for a living wage!#it's not good#but this could be anxiety talking tbh#for real I'm amazed that like Virginia Woolf and others were able to do as much as they did in their lives#because without my medication I'd probably be useless??? Mania is not fun 10/10 would NOT suggest#I actually pity Lord Byron after reading his biography; he just seems like if mania was a person and um it explains his behavior completely#do you ever look back at other peoples' lives and see pieces of yourself in them and then feel really bad for them? cuz I do all the time#mychatter#I'm stubborn in that I refuse to quit school since I am aware that my family needs to know I can do this#please don't take this personally this is my problem and a pointless rant probably
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I ran this morning AND wrote some AND made art and I’m so proud of me
#didn’t get any of my actual office work done oopsies#but in my defense it’s a Friday and also I did allot time for it I just ended up not doing it#anyways still proud of me!!! guys art is so so important and I know that and I preach that but I haven’t been doing it#and I just picked up a blank sheet of paper and did it#and is it good or anatomically correct? no but it was so FUN#and I’ve been working thought Tim Clare’s writing stuff and it’s been GOOD#I like this new series of exercises a lot better than the couch to 80k#they’re. the same honestly and I don’t actually care about his commentary all that much#maybe I’m just more present or more invested in them#I only ran for 15. min and then I had to call my brother to pick me up because the heat was gonna make me pass out :/#but also I TRIED#I fucking tried today#also did u know running is utterly miserable.#runners high is def a thing#felt amazing afterward#but holy shit it’s awful in the moment#my roommate ran a 25k recently and I talked to her about it and she said it never gets better#which is. not very encouraging#but also I Want To run as much of this 5k as I can#maybe I’ll be dead after but it’s fine I have a couple days to recuperate before the eclipse#WHICH IM ALSO EXCITED SBOIT. I’ve never seen a total eclipse before#goddamit my brain jumped to too many places#delete later#anyways. if u didn’t u should acknowledge ur accomplishments today#even if they didn’t feel like much#now I’m gonna go read a 115k fanfic that’s gonna wreck me#that’s my treat to me#I HAVE ACTUAL BOOKS TO FINISH. but NO. THIS is how I’m spending my time. and it’s fine I’m valid#I’ve been talking to all the lesbians about running too#and they’ve been so encouraging too!! I love my coworkers and very distantly related coworkers sm
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rexscanonwife · 1 year
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Also my friend sent me a few little fun things about Toshinori and I found out that he's a nature lover and he even has a favorite type of tree?? He's so fucking precious I can't stand it sometimes!! and I also love trees so I imagine we could talk about them and swap facts and stuff and I'd just really love to see him gush about it 🥺💘💘
We also talked a bit about how he would probably really enjoy gardening since he REALLY needs some hobbies after retiring lol and I can picture him in a sunhat with the apron and gardening gloves looking all adorable! My s/i comes home from work and he's telling her to come and see how good the begonias are doing and aren't the eucalyptus looking lovely and maybe he brings her flowers that he grew himself and it always fills him with pride when she wears one in her hair!! 💖💖
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raksh-writes · 4 months
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damn it, I should be pouring all my energy and brainpower into studying, since it's exam season already and I have two tests on thursday alone, but of course, my brain suddenly decided to start thinking up Star Wars fic ideas, like--
ughhh, brain, it's not the time!!
#personal#Raksh posts#got my ani obsession reawakened after watching ahsoka#and now Im thinking up either time travel / fix it fic for my boy chosen one#or the classic 'jedi don't train anakin and instead he grows up elsewhere'#in this case on naboo#might be because Im almost finished reading this one Amazing fic from Padme's POV of AtoC#and the author's characterisation of both of them and the way they wrote their whole romance is just *chef's kiss*#it's Supression by LadyR_A_P if anyone's curious#first thing in First POV I read in Years and it's SO GOOD#anyway Im heaving IDEAS#of Anakin settling on Naboo thanks to Padme#and becoming the pilot prodigy he is and the best mechanic out there#and building himself training droids because he's still dreaming of being a jedi but now his only way is to teach himself#and like 'stealing' the footage of Qui Gon's and Obi Wan's duel with Maul to program his droid with their moves so he can train#and scouring the holonet and archives for any recordings of Jedi in battle#and maybe he seamlessly falls into his form 5 just naturally#or he comes up with one wholly his own#and since he's not supressed in any way here his connection with the force evolves naturally#until he's floating all the tools and stuff around him while he works on his droids without even a thought#and I dunno what happens in this AU later but the plot's probably similar to at least AotC#but Ani's just in a completely different place mentally (as in much better since Shmi's alive and with him!)#but yeah anyway#gotta go try and do some studying OOF 🙈🙈
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remyfire · 1 year
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so if a ficcer had a lot of stories with beejhawk but they also wrote idk peg/female OC would you not read anything from them yet? jw because I’ve nvr heard of your method b4!
I don't even know if I'd call it a method, so that's probably why hksdfsd more just a really hungry desire to build up my characterization of them in a way that can maybe be unique to me!
Also that's a very good question, and I wouldn't know until I gave them and/or their summaries a look to see if they're up my alley :D
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nerice · 1 year
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chensoman anime is so overproduced....
#this is a salt post abandon reading here if ur alrdy annoyed#//#went back to look at jjk and jjk just looks amazing. it looks very polished. it goes hard but also holds frames and let's them breathe#cs/m is moving too much somehow in a suffocating busy way#& im not bashing the cgi here. yes it's clunky but anything that can take the crunch off of animators lol#like some of the awkward angles and rotoscoping is the fault of being too close to the cgi they obviously used#they somehow managed to make an anime equivalent of AAA hyperrealistic games that feel bland bc of it#not always!!! ofc!!! but im saying the hyperpolish doesn't add anything of value esp to a property just as cs/m#& i know fujimoto is a movie buff n this is probably his dream adaptation n whatever#& i know anime will never look like in the olde days again#but i am thinking of akira animating on 1s and making the busy look work#i think of the hyperreal movements in satoshi kon movies and how he makes it work#chainswman wld have been better off looking like klk this is the hill i die on#not saying it needs imaishi's animation style and sharp chins and yelling. but the feeling klk had#of dark and grimy fights that went with scratchy and decidedly drawn lines in their fights & copious amounts of blood#& i do like the stark contrast red blood in csm! it just does nothing style wise since the rest is so Realistic. it's just red#in the end its an adaptation but i would have liked it to stay closer to the feel of the manga. the endings Get It#& on that note i also don't like the soundtrack that much. ik the discordant stuff Fits but vs katanaman was the first time#that it actually integrated well with what happened on screen. (again compared to jjk or klk that had impeccable osts)#bg music not op/ed ofc. tho none of the ending songs have been all that stand out either#anyway!! this has been my salt!!#csm blogging#still preferable to a bad adaptation i guess (sighs at fnae...)#but i do hope jigokuraku next year will look worse (lol) bc nobody cares abt that show/manga so they'll not go all out#and i do hope they will not Improve On (tm) jjks current style bc i need my toji moment to fuck me raw#good morning and goodbye
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tillman · 1 year
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I think im just really vibing with the weird sense of hope asano manages to cram in what otherwise all seem like the most soulcrushing works. Like ok maybe not punpun but even then that sense of wonder is there thru the first half … its such a unique feeling its hard to explain but im really enjoying it
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