#honestly I never thought the silly post would resonate with a lot of people but support ethical Ai arts from the source(s) 👍🌸

[kurohaai]

Hello! Wanna say that i love your comics and arts! Just so you know though, don’t post your water mark like this or else some people might claim it and pretends as theirs (i don’t mean water marks on art, i mean an water mark as a post, just to clear confusion!) hope you have a great days! ^_^

lmao any artist named Ai could use it if they want because we are having enough shit on our plates already

Just don't forget to credit & link back to the original post as per reposting/usage etiquette as fellow artists ofc 🌸

[onewomancitadel]

I have a ton of drafts and that is one of them, I went down a rabbit hole of comparing Rilke translations, it was a whole thing. I'm not really sure when/how to post some of my V10 speculation but I still think it's worth thinking about no matter what.

I was having thoughts in bed last night as well about how much was riding on V9 and how much of its failure to renew is partly to do with pandemic reasons/length between volumes/length of the volume itself (anecdotally I remember serious excitement around the stretch of the latter half of episodes of the show, for most volumes). I can sense the compromise with cutting episodes in V9, and I can understand why they made certain pacing decisions with E1-4, but on the other hand, it's very obvious that the denouement suffers because of it, and I think that could've been the best part of the volume. So I'm not sure they gambled correctly.

If I were to make any wager about audience reception of V8, what they needed was something to tonally balance it with V9, and I don't think that tonal balance was running away from the narrative stakes of that volume. I don't necessarily mean doing a Shade storyline at the same time (honestly, this would be ideal, but not from a budget perspective - double the assets, double the writing, double everything) but I don't think trying to lean into a twee, whimsical tone helped either. The emotional epochs of the volume for me was a) Ruby's disillusionment/Summer Rose and Raven reveal (YIPPEE) and b) the Jaune reveal, though the resolution was dissatisfying.

So at the very least I hope it's proof - and I fucking said this when the volume was airing, and I'll fucking say it again - that you can't win an audience over who doesn't care with halfmeasures. Commit, commit, and if V8 seemed too bleak, then you needed to swoop in with the balm (Raven's redemption, answer to the call). There is a very spoilery comparison I could make here with Dark - because it shares a lot in common with RWBY structurally, sorry, it's probably my greatest point of comparison monomythically/Jungian-wise - and Dark does this very, very successfully. Its pacing is genius and its method of handling the mix of despair and hope is too.

Obviously the fissures before V9 were there, and I really don't know what the answer is funding-wise because I am a silly little Tumblr user - the capacity in which I can comment is related to my assumptions about certain narrative decisions they seemingly made for the sake of appeal, and what I would've personally done to draw people back in. One may even argue this needed to happen sooner with V8; I think this is a real possibility, if only impossible because of the nature of how the show is paced, and its budget. The guarantee of the next volume is what made me so self-assured - in fact I would say that this is probably true of most of RWBY aspersions I have historically cast.

I tend to not really like speculation about this sort of topic - there are things we'll never know behind a production, and I am only good at judging the product - but I do find it interesting from a writing perspective because I am so vehement about what I think makes the show successful versus what doesn't. I don't think narrative success is 1:1 with commercial success, but sometimes it is, and identifying where it does crossover - when you can make the money and the cultural resonance - but not where you necessarily have to compromise (I absolutely hate people who give writing advice which is about pandering to an audience).

[rrxnjun]

content creator year in review.

thank you so much to toffee @neo-shitty for tagging me in this, i always enjoy talking about my work hhh also thank you for blessing my dash with your works and other posts throughout 2022 🤍

tagging. @shinachiro @kiachiako @cherryeoniis @crispy-chan @daegall @decembermoonskz 🫶

first creation and most recent creation of 2022. my first fic that i posted this year was not a single dandelion (johnny), which i worked on from the end of the year 2021 if i remember correctly. the most recent one is not posted yet -- two people (mark), but the one i did post already was a very spontaneous work called when nobody's watching (renjun).

one of your favorite creations of 2022. i really love my yangyang fics, if i'm being honest, but if i had to choose one, my most favorite would probably be i'm not angry anymore (well, sometimes i am) (yangyang), because it's an idea i've had in my head for months and i think i executed it quite well. also, i really relate to the way i portrayed yangyang in this fic, so it's a personal thing for me haha.

one creation you're really proud of. however weird this is, i'm really proud of just saying (yangyang), even though the plot is silly HAHAHA a few people told me they think the fic is quite funny and i really strived for that, so i am glad i succeeded hihi

a creation that took you forever. just saying (yangyang) took me around 3 months to write, and will we talk? (donghyuck) took me... 6 months?? i started it in january and then got into a very depressive episode where i thought i'll never write again (and i also had finals and stuff LMAO) and then i picked it up in june and finally posted it mid-july,, although the plan for the fic was done last june. so technically, over a year- practically, maybe like 2-3 months of writing HAHA

a creation from 2022 that received the most notes. surprisingly, it was annoying (derogatory) (donghyuck) LMAOO its a halloween fic that I DIDN'T EVEN POST ON HALLOWEEN i posted it like 3 days late TT will we talk? (donghyuck) is a close second though, so i guess hyuck fics just do it for y'all

a creation from 2022 you think deserved more notes. honestly, i think your city gave me asthma (mark) and since i saw vienna (jaemin) deserve a lot more than they got hh, but as angst fics, i'm not really that surprised, since i didn't expect more.

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it. none! im a loyal czennie LMAO no fr i did join a few i think but i stick to writing for nct, because its the only fandom i still engage in :)

a creation you made that breaks your heart. your city gave me asthma (mark) is a very personal fic that i wrote after i moved for uni. it's filled with all my homesickness, loneliness and feelings of not fitting in that i still kind of resonate with until now. when nobody's watching (renjun) also breaks my heart because of the concept of renjun's character and how he constantly changes himself up just to fit in, yet, still failing. also, i'm not angry anymore (well, sometimes i am) (yangyang) breaks my heart on another level because of my mentioned relation to yangyang's character, and about how my primary emotion has always been anger.

a 'simple' creation you really love. i'm not bitter anymore (i'm syrupy sweet) (jeno) is a very simple fic with literally 0 plot, but i really do love it with my whole heart. it's just a fluffy redemption arc i wrote for jeno, just glued pieces of ideas i had in my notes that i couldnt fit into a long fic haha

a creation that was inspired by another one. a lot of my fics were inspired by songs, if that counts. but i think sugar and salt: the game of trust (mark) was inspired by multiple dystopian books i've read but i think mainly by squid game and the hungar games i suppose?

a favorite creation made by someone else. over on my fic recs blog @03230 there's an 'absolute favorite' tag you could check out for my favorites, but to mention some -> baby face (donghyuck) by @smileysuh friendly favour (donghyuck) by @hencity romancing (donghyuck) by @jenoloqy and they were roommates (donghyuck) by @tyonfs the lonely hearts club (seungmin) by @neo-shitty

some of your favorite content creators from this year. i honestly haven't read much this year, but here are some people whose works i really enjoyed 🫶 @shinachiro my talented best friend, @neo-shitty @cherryeoniis @daegall @sunpopz @tyonfs @luvdsc (always)

[tbenvs3000w23]

My Future as a Nature Interpreter

I entered this class not knowing what to expect; “nature Interpretation” was a term I had never heard anywhere. If I’m being completely honest, I still did not really understand what nature interpretation was for the early portion of the course - I struggled to understand the concept. Here in Unit 10, I now know not only what nature interpretation is, but how I fit into it.

The first concept that resonated with me was that of an “invisible backpack” (Gallavan 2005). I have always known I live a privileged life, but as silly as it sounds, writing about it for this class made me realize how many things I take for granted. Looking solely at my experiences with nature, I’ve had the opportunities to go camping at least once a year, as well as live in a house with a backyard, have pets, trips to the zoo as a child, and so much more. All of these experiences have led me to where I am today - studying environmental sciences in University, which is YET ANOTHER PRIVILEGE! I won’t go into detail on what I need to unpack from my invisible backpack, as I did that in a previous post, but the reason I’m writing this is simply to acknowledge that my audiences in whatever setting may not have had the same opportunities I have had, which might make it harder to use my experiences as topics to relate on.

Here's a beautiful park my family and I walk to a few times a year. This particular morning there were a couple feathered-friends on the water :)

I strongly believe that nature is healing to everyone on earth, and even though I have met many people who ‘absolutely hate the outdoors’, nature appreciation can be as simple as enjoying the sunset, or loving rainy days. Reaching audiences of different age groups, from different places, with different interests creates the need to look further than one's own experiences when presenting information or knowledge of nature.

As I develop as a nature interpreter, I would say my personal ethic is similar to my mentality and beliefs going about my life day to day; trying to make more kind and respectful decisions, considering myself but also those around me. To touch briefly on the invisible backpack concept once more, after completing these blog posts, I now understand how I must change my voice to appeal to more audiences. I also know how there are many different mediums I can use to share stories and information about nature, and how some may appeal to some demographics more than others which is important to take into consideration (Beck 2018).

Growing up, I knew I wanted to pursue a career working with animals. This later developed into a passion for the environment as a whole, and I ended up deciding on environmental sciences as a university major rather than zoology, which had initially been all I ever wanted to do. At a young age, and up until today, I’ve never known what I wanted to do with this desire to work within nature.

My parents have mentioned that they think I would make a good teacher because I am a very patient and passionate person, which I never gave a second thought to be quite honest. But I do think it is a path I would enjoy - I love working with kids, and I get a lot of joy out of explaining the concepts I’ve learned about. When I’m studying concepts for tests I like to get someone who doesn’t know the material to quiz me; I’ll compress what I know into the most useful information and explain it to them to help them understand it, which really helps me for some reason. I grew up with a younger brother, and he would always be interested in whatever I was interested in, so he would ask me a million questions about animals and whatever else I was interested in at the time. The one big difference between us was what we excelled at; I was quite good at maths and science, whereas he struggled with them. When he struggled with a math unit, or science concept, I loved sitting down with him and working through it. We have a 5 year age gap, so it was honestly a nice refresher to go over these things again years later. I would find myself teaching the concepts the way I wanted to be taught them, until a couple years into helping him when I realized his learning style is different from mine. This was a good experience as it allowed me to understand different learning styles, which is yet another topic covered in this course!

While teaching does sound exciting, I am not sure it is what I would want to do for a career. I think it is a wonderful way to spread the love of nature (if that were the field I ended up teaching in). I do however feel the responsibility to use my passion for spreading knowledge within whatever field I enter after post-secondary. I believe that passion is important in any job; even as I worked minimum wage fast food jobs in high school, I would go about my day with a positive attitude, as I’ve always found that a positive attitude makes my entire day better, even if I’m faking it, it soon becomes genuine.

Following this course, I strive to be more aware of my audience in all aspects of life, which will allow me to be more inclusive. My final thoughts on this course are all positive. I have enjoyed creating all of my posts because they honestly feel like a break from my busy schedule sometimes - which I’m sure many of my peers can relate to. I would absolutely recommend this course to others, especially to those not in environmental sciences, as I feel like they can learn a lot from this experience as well. Thanks to anyone who read this post, this one was a lot of fun, and I'm honestly a little sad this is the last one as I've been enjoying writing these. Good luck with your future endeavours everyone! :)

Gallavan, N. P. (2005). Helping teachers unpack their “invisible knapsacks.” Multicultural Education (San Francisco, Calif.), 13(1), 36–36.

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018c). Chapter 7: Serving Diverse Audience. Interpreting cultural and natural heritage : for a better world. (pp.105-123) Sagamore Venture.

[voidic3ntity]

so it's been around 6 months since I first set up this blog, & truly, I cannot stress enough just how grateful I am for anyone who's taken any amount of time out of their day to read anything I've ever written or to show me even an ounce of supportive energy.

I mentioned this in one of my previous update posts over the last 6 months but I honestly just never thought that anybody would resonate with anything I'd ever write, with maybe the exception of myself in the future or some unlucky therapist or my parents or friends if things got really dark, so the fact that within such a short space of time, around 176 days, I have managed to amass my own little community of people who enjoy & benefit from the continued posting of my art, it really just means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to express with these silly little characters we call letters, I am just so fucking grateful for everything, again, I appreciate every single last one of you, truly, thankyou so much.

but beyond the truly heartfelt message of overdrawn appreciate; I feel like there's a few things I must address, some of which you might've been able to notice through various pieces of writings over the recent period, others which, unless we speak privately, which I try to avoid for the most part, many of you will not know.

firstly, honestly, lately I really haven't been doing well mentally, this is the main one which I assume people have been noticing, being in my early 20s, having past trauma resurface, trying to come to terms with that situation, along with various trauma related situations from my childhood too, & sometimes it just becomes too much & overwhelms me, & over the past winter period there's been many instances where I've thought about checking myself into some kind of impatient program until I learn how to better navigate the things in my mind, this isn't something I wish for, but sometimes it just feels like necessity, whether or not that will become my reality, at this current time,   I am unable to say, but just know that if something like that does happen, I will try my hardest to keep this blog updated & let you know that given enough time I will be back, at least with updates, & I will not stop writing, it's my only healthy coping mechanism.

another thing I wanted to address, which most of you won't be aware of, a week ago today I tested positive for covid, I've been trying to post regardless of it since the past week has consisted mostly of being bed bound & eating lots of cheese on toast lmao! currently on my 7th day, still feeling under the weather, but have had two negative tests back meaning I'm no longer infectious & hopefully I should start to feel a lot better over the next few days.

the last thing I wanted to address is how I actually run this blog: I want to make it clear that I have been writing seriously since I was around 18/19, meaning I have an extensive back catalogue which spans the last 4/5 years, I still write pretty often & due to necessity I often do post the more recent pieces because they're easier to access in my notes, however, I don't want people to get the impression that the things I post are always current, some days I'll post pieces I wrote the day before, other days I'll post pieces I wrote years ago, to me, the timestamp of when it was written doesn't really matter, it's all about art, & yes sometimes    I do use this blog as a kind of diary & I want to feel free to do so, however I don't ever want to feel chained by that, & honestly, specifically over the past week, I have felt very chained by it, sometimes I find myself feeling chained by habit, & honestly,        I think that's natural, & we always find ourselves somewhere between the ebb & the flow of habit & of novelty, sometimes    the tide will come in & sometimes the tide will go out, it's our ability to balance that which matters so much, & at the minute, maybe heightened by finding myself habitually ill, I am craving some kind of change, some kind of novelty, & although I enjoy the stability the current era of this blog brings, I think I want to branch out & grow again, I have plans to make a pinned post so my blog is easier to navigate, I know there's a lot of new eyes on this page & I love that, but I'm also so aware of just how difficult it is to find some of my older pieces, especially the few poetry readings I have done, I plan on doing more of them again soon, probably moreso during the summer because those late nights seem to be best for them, there's a lot more to come, thankyou.

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[a-froger-epic]

The Queen fandom, Freddie Mercury and Characterisation

Or: Why are those anons like this? Why are those writers like this? Why don't we understand each other?

In this essay, I will-

No, I’m serious, I will. And this is an essay. It’s roughly 2500 words.

The friction, concerns and hurt in fandom around Freddie’s characterisation - most recently centred around a fic the author tagged as ‘Bisexual Freddie Mercury’, stating in the notes that they have chosen to write Freddie as bisexual - have given me a lot to think about. And if you have been asking yourself the questions above, this here might be of interest to you.

First off, why do I feel like I need to talk about this?

The answer is not: Because I’m so very influential in fandom.

I think my influence in this fandom has been vastly overstated by some people. If I were so influential, everybody would rush to read anything I rec or write. And trust me, they really don’t. My relevance is confined to a very specific part of the fandom. That part is made up of: Freddie fans, Froger shippers, some Roger fans, a handful of writers who like to support each other and like each other’s work, and people who are really into research.

There are many parts of fandom where my opinions are entirely irrelevant. Looking at the big picture, by which I mean only the Queen RPF fandom, I simply am not that important. Looking at the even bigger picture: the Queen fandom as a whole, the majority of which doesn't read or care about RPF - I am literally nobody.

Furthermore, everything I will be talking about here is in relation to the RPF-centred part of Queen fandom.

So why this public essay?

Because I have been deeply involved for two years in a divide of opinions concerning how Freddie ought to be written and how people think of RPF. I think this is in large part because I - like several other authors currently writing for the fandom - absolutely love research. It's my idea or fun. I love to dig into these real people’s lives. Not everybody does that and not everybody is comfortable with that. It’s a personal choice depending on people's levels of comfort surrounding RPF. But this does put me firmly in the camp of Freddie fans who like to explore who this man really was, and track down every last fact about him.

Freddie Mercury vs. Fictional Freddie

I’ll admit that I am one of those people who have the urge to speak up when they see somebody claim that Freddie was bisexual, and sometimes I will say: “Well, actually, we do know that he didn’t see himself that way, because…” For me, these have often been positive exchanges.

I think there is overwhelming evidence that Freddie Mercury identified as gay from his split with Mary to the end of his life (wonderfully curated here by RushingHeadlong). In the niche of fandom I have frequented over the last two years, as far as Freddie the real man is concerned, I have barely ever seen anybody argue with this.

But fanfiction and talking about real Freddie are not one the same thing, and they shouldn't be, and as far as I am concerned they don't have to be. Some writers like to put every last fact and detail they can find into their fic, in an attempt to approach a characterisation that feels authentic to them (and perhaps others), and other writers are simply content to draw inspiration from the real people, writing versions vaguely based on them.

But writing historically and factually accurate RPF is more respectful.

Is it? I've thought about this for a long time, and I really can't agree that it is. This, to me, seems to presume that we know what kind of fiction these real people would prefer to have been written about them. That, in itself, is impossible to know.

However, if I imagine Freddie reading RPF about himself, I think that he might laugh himself silly at an AU with a character merely inspired by him and may be really quite disturbed by a gritty, realistic take full of intimate details of and speculations about his life and psyche. Such as I also tend to write, just by the by, so this is definitely not a criticism of anybody. Freddie is dead. Of all the people to whom the way he is written in fiction matters, Freddie himself is not one. There is no way to know what Freddie would or wouldn't have wanted, in this regard, and so it isn't relevant.

Personally, I can't get behind the idea that speculating and creatively exploring very intimate details of Freddie's life, things he never even spoke of to anybody, is in any way more respectful than writing versions of him which take a lot of creative liberties. As I've said so many times before, I think either all of RPF is disrespectful or none of it is.

So who cares about Freddie characterisation in fiction anyway?

Clearly, a lot of people do. Freddie Mercury was an incredibly inspiring figure and continues to be that to a multitude of very different people for different reasons. There are older fans who have maybe faced the same kind of discrimination because of their sexuality, who saw Freddie's life and persona distorted and attacked by other fans and the media for decades, who have a lot of hurt and resentment connected to such things as calling Freddie bisexual - because this has been used (and in the wider fandom still is used) to discredit his relationship with Jim, to argue that Mary was the love of his life and none of his same sex relationships mattered, to paint a picture where "the gay lifestyle" was the death of him. And that is homophobic. That is not right. I completely understand that upset.

But.

These are not the only people who care about Freddie and for whom Freddie is a source of inspiration and comfort. What about people who simply connect to his struggles with his sexuality from a different angle? What about, for example, somebody who identifies with the Freddie who seemed to be reluctant to label himself, because that, to them, implies a freedom and sexual fluidity that helps them cope with how they see their own sexuality? Is it relevant why Freddie was cagey about labelling himself? Does it matter that it likely had a lot to do with discrimination? Are his reasons important? To some degree, yes. But are other queer people not allowed to see that which helps them in him? Are they not allowed to take empowerment and inspiration from this? Can you imagine Freddie himself ever resenting somebody who, for whatever reason, admired him and whose life he made that little bit brighter through his mere existence, however they interpreted it? I honestly can't say that I can imagine Freddie himself objecting to that.

This is the thing about fame. Anyone who is famous creates a public persona, and this persona belongs to the fans. By choosing that path, this person gives a lot of themselves to their fans. To interpret, to draw inspiration from, to love the way it makes sense to the individual. Please remember, at this point, that we are talking about how people engage with Freddie as a fictional character creatively. This is not about anybody trying to lay down the law regarding who Freddie really was, unequivocally. This is all about writers using his inspiring persona and the imprint he left on this world to explore themes that resonate with them.

This is what we as writers do. We write about things which resonate with us and often touch us deeply.

But don't they care about the real Freddie?

Yes, actually, I would argue that a lot of people care about "the real Freddie". It seems to me that depicting Freddie as gay or with a strong preference for men is what the vast majority of the RPF-centered fandom on AO3 already does. You will find very, very few stories where Freddie is depicted having a good time with women sexually or romantically. That he was mostly all about men is already the majority opinion in this part of fandom.

But another question is, who was the real Freddie? If the last two years in fandom have taught me anything, it is that even things which seem like fact to one person can seem like speculation to another. I have personally had so many discussions with so many people on different sides of the debate about the exact circumstances of Freddie's life and his inner world, that I must say I don't think there is such a thing as one accurate, "real" portrayal of Freddie. Even those of us who are heavily invested in research sometimes disagree quite significantly about the interpretations of sources. So that narrows "You don't care about the real Freddie" down to "You don't care about Freddie because you don't interpret everything we know about his life the exact same way I do". Sure, by that definition, very few people care about Freddie the same way you do.

The bottom line is, there are so many writers and fans who love him, people who are obsessed with him, people who care about him deeply. They might care about who they believe he really was or who he chose to present himself as to the world, the way he wanted to be seen. But ultimately, in my personal opinion, if somebody is inspired to write Freddie as a fictional character they feel that Freddie means a lot to them. And it is hurtful to accuse them of not caring.

But what some people write hurts/triggers me.

Yes, that can happen. Because the nature of AO3 is that everything is permitted. Personally, I am very much in agreement with that. You will also find me in the camp of people who are against any sort of censorship on AO3, no matter how much some of the content goes against my own morals or how distasteful I find it. Some people disagree with that, which is fine. We must agree to disagree then. Here, I would like to quote QuirkySubject from the post she made regarding this whole situation because I cannot put it better myself: “The principle that all fic is valid (even RPF fic that subverts the lived experience of the person the fic is based on) is like the foundation of [AO3]. The suggestion that certain kinds of characterisations aren't allowed will provoke a knee-jerk reaction by many writers.”

No matter how much you may disagree with a story's plot or characterisation, it is allowed on AO3. "But wait," you might say, "the issue is not with it being on the site but with people like yourself - who should care about "the real Freddie" - supporting it."

This is some of what I have taken away from the upset I have seen. And it’s worth deconstructing.

I've already addressed "the real Freddie". Moving on to...

The author is dead.

This is something others might very well disagree on as well, but to me the story itself matters far more than authorial intent. And what may be one thing according to the author’s personal definition, may be another thing to the reader. Let’s use an example. This is an ask I received yesterday:

This author thinks they were writing Freddie as bisexual. However, going by the plot of their story, I would actually say that it is largely very similar to how I see the progression of Freddie’s young adulthood. To me, personally, Freddie would still be gay throughout the story because he arrives - eventually - at the conclusion that he is. The author and I disagree on terminology only. And I think simply disagreements about terminology, given that some terms are so loaded with history in Freddie’s case, trips a lot of people up.

It seems to me that many people still equate bisexuality with a 50/50 attraction to men and women, when in actual fact many - if not most - bi/pan people would say that it is nowhere near that distribution. Some people are of the opinion that anybody who experiences some attraction to the opposite sex, even if they have a strong same-sex preference, could be technically considered bisexual. (However, sexuality isn’t objective, it’s subjective. At least when it comes to real people. What about fictionalised real people? We will get to that.)

Let's briefly return to real Freddie.

What I'm seeing is that there are several ways of thinking here, with regard to his sexuality.

1. Freddie was gay because that seems to be (from everything we know) the conclusion he arrived at and the way he saw himself, once he had stopped dating women. Therefor, he was always gay, it just took him a while to come to terms with it.

2. Freddie can be referred to as bisexual during the time when he was with women because at that time, he may very well have thought of himself thusly - whether that was wishful thinking and he was aware of it or whether he really thought he might be bisexual is not something we can say definitively. He came out as gay to two friends in 1974 on separate occassions, and he talked to his girlfriends about being bisexual. (Personally, I think here it is interesting to look at who exactly he was saying what to, but let's put my own interpretations aside.)

3. Freddie can be seen as bisexual/pansexual because his life indicates that he was able to be in relationships with both men and women and because there is nothing to disprove he didn't experience any attraction to the women he was with. Had he lived in a different time, he may have defined himself differently.

Now, I'm of the first school of thought here, personally, although I understand the second and also, as a thought experiment, the third.

I think all of these approaches have validity, although the historical context of Freddie's life should be kept in mind and is very relevant whenever we speak about the man himself.

But when we return to writing fictionalised versions of Freddie, any of these approaches should absolutely be permissible. Yes, some of them or aspects of them can cause upset to some people.

And this is why AO3 has a tagging system. This is why authors write very clearly worded author's notes. This is the respect authors extend to their readers. This, in turn, has to be respected. Everybody is ultimately responsible for their own experience on the archive.

Nobody has the right to dictate what is or isn't published under the Queen tag. As far as I am concerned, nobody should have that right. As far as I am concerned, everybody has a responsibility to avoid whatever may upset them. I understand where the upset comes from. I also maintain it is every writer's right to engage with Freddie's character creatively the way they choose to.

None of us can control how other people engage with Freddie or the fandom. None of us can control what other people enjoy or dislike about the fandom.

The best way to engage with the content creating part of fandom, in my opinion, has always been to create what brings you joy, to consume the content that brings you joy and to respectfully step away from everything that doesn't.

[pynkhues]

Hi Sophie! I’m an aspiring writer and I had a question for you!! How did you go on about finding an agent? Also how does one find job postings related to writing? (Tv, etc.) I’m very inspired by you and how talented you are!!!

Hi, anon! Thank you for your kind words, and it’s so exciting that you’re an aspiring writer! I think knowing that you want to write really is the first step on a pretty incredible journey, and it’s one that it helps have to have tools on. Knowing how to ask questions, like you did, is a great way to start building that toolkit too.

Especially because your writing toolkit will be something you build, because there’s not really one answer to either of your questions. I really mean it when I say writing and publishing is a journey, and as a part of that, the pathways people choose to take (and the pathways available to them) often vary a lot, and are impacted by so many things, from where you live to the genre and medium you write in to the networks you have access to.

I’m going to try to answer that for you as well as I can here which I hope will be a useful starting point for you, but I will be contextualizing it a bit with the fact that a) I’m in Australia, which has a bit of a different industry to many parts of the world (in no small part because we have a very small population), and b) that I worked in the industry before I started having my work published, which did give me a jump start and a pretty good network of professional and personal support.

Okay!

So let’s jump in.

Behind a cut because this got a bit long.

How did I get an agent?

Well! I was rejected by four agents before I got one, haha, so that in itself was a bit of an adventure. It meant that I was effectively my own agent for quite a while (something that’s quite normal in Australia for reasons I’ll talk about later), which meant doing everything from pitching works to teaching myself enough legal vocabulary to negotiate contracts (not my strong suit honestly, haha).

The first two agents I ever spoke to were both agents that weren’t open for unsolicited submissions. This is an important term in the industry, because what that means is that they’re not reading any new writers who:

they didn’t invite to submit (usually this would be after you’d won a prize, or they’d read your short story or essay in a journal or magazine, loved it and got in touch)

didn’t come recommended by colleagues; or

didn’t come through their existing networks.

Does that mean you can’t get your work in front of them? It doesn’t actually. Usually when agents aren’t open for unsolicited submissions, they’ll still be interested in work. It just usually means they don’t have the time for a massive slush pile. What they frequently do in these instances instead is that they’ll attend conferences, festivals, workshops or events and do pitching sessions a couple of times a year. That usually looks like you booking a five, ten or fifteen minute window, generally for free (be cautious if they’re charging extra on top of your event ticket) and doing a verbal pitch of your project.

I’ve done a lot of these at various events in various contexts (it’s always hell, haha), but only twice to agents. Once was at the CYA Conference in Brisbane (which is a charged pitch but the money’s a donation towards the Children’s Book Council), where I pitched a YA manuscript I’ve since put in my bottom-drawer, and Emerging Writers Festival in Melbourne, where I pitched The Rabbits, which is my novel which came out in July with Penguin Australia.

Those pitching sessions went just okay. Both liked my pitches, but the agent at CYA had a full stable of YA authors and was more looking for middle-grade fiction, which meant my story skewed too old. She gave me her card if I ever wrote for a younger audience, but otherwise declined to invite me to submit. Again, this is frequently actually why an agent might be closed to submissions or they might reject your work even if they like it – they're just at capacity with what you're pitching.

The one at EWF went better and I was invited to submit my complete manuscript, but she told me that while she thought I was a good writer, she didn’t personally like my writing style and therefore didn’t think she could sell it. She did actually invite me to submit something else if I had something more commercial, but I really figured that if she didn’t like my writing style, she probably wasn’t going to like whatever else I sent her, so I ended up declining because I thought it would be a waste of both our time.

The other two agents I submit to were both open for unsolicited submissions so I didn’t have to go through events. In both cases, I did cold submissions, which just means we’d never spoken before, so when you do that you need to put together a query packet because - - well. They don’t know who you are, haha. All publishers and agents have different requirements for their query packet and these should be listed on their website (if they’re not, feel really empowered to email and ask – in all of my industry experience, they have always infinitely preferred you doing that to guessing. It shows you know the etiquette and want to get it right).

Generally speaking though, what you're looking at pulling together for a packet is usually:

A cover letter explaining who you are, why you’re interested in them being your agent (being familiar with who else they represent is a good thing to highlight), and what story you’re selling them on.

A one-page synopsis of your manuscript.

A writing CV if you have one, or another relevant CV (i.e. if you're pitching a non-fiction book on being a nurse in the pandemic, attaching your nursing CV so they can see you're legitimate is important).

And usually either the first 50 pages or the first three chapters of your novel.

You generally email that to them, it goes into a slush pile, and they’ll read through it when they get the chance. I got a personalized rejection from one, which is pretty lovely (getting a personal rejection instead of one that’s clearly an email template from agents, editors and publishers might sound silly, but they’re actually pretty significant. These are people who get thousands of manuscripts a year, and taking the time to write a reply usually means your work resonated enough that they want to give you that encouragement even if the answer’s still no), and the other, I never heard back from, and my follow up email was ignored. Less lovely, haha, but unfortunately not uncommon.

So yeah, I took a bit of a break from seeking out an agent then, which I could do in Australia. One of the benefits of having a small industry here is that there’s a very limited number of agents (we’re talking literally about 25), which means submissions outside of agents and agencies are pretty normal. My understanding in the US and the UK is that you’re not really going to get a look-in without an agent, but in Australia you can submit direct, having an agent just makes it a lot easier.

So I didn’t have an agent when I actually got offered my book deal. I’d submit The Rabbits to a few different publishers, it had been rejected already by a couple and was still in the slush pile at one when I submit it to the Penguin Literary Prize. It won (yay!), Penguin offered me a book deal, and when the news broke in industry news, I was approached by six different agents, including, hilariously, the agent who said she didn’t like my writing style, haha.

I ended up talking to a few of them, but I went with a fairly new agent who I’d known through industry work, and I went with her because she had a really strong legal background which is what I was personally interested in.

Because that’s an important thing to consider too.

Why do you want an agent?

I actually knew that I didn’t really need an agent to sell my work. I’d been doing that for ten years already, I have over twenty short stories and a novella published, I’d sold my book, and I’d sold the rights to a screenplay already on my own, so the ability for an agent to sell work wasn’t so important to me. What was important to me was having someone who had a background in publishing law (my agent actually worked in the rights team in-house at a top five publisher before she became an agent), and understood rights management particularly in digital rights and international rights, because it makes my head spin, haha.

So that’s why I went with her!

But how do you find agents?

You didn’t ask this question exactly, but I think this is a very relevant question. There are databases of agents and publishers out there – Duotrope is probably the best known and I know people rave about it. One of the things that’s useful about it is that it’ll do a bit of a breakdown listing what genres the agent reads, if they’re currently open to unsolicited submissions, and their requirements. Take a look at Ginger Clark’s page for example (she’s not my agent – she’s American for starters, haha – but I have worked with her before and she’s a gem. Her most famous client is probably Ursula K. Le Guin, but she reps tons of other people too).

So yeah! Duotrope’s really useful. It has free info but also a paywall for certain things, and I personally find it kinda difficult to navigate?

I'd actually instead just recommend you take a look at writers you like and admire, especially ones who write similar genres to you, and just Google who their agent is. They all have websites, so they’re a lot easier to find these days than they were. 😊

How do you find job postings related to writing?

This is a tricky one, anon, as it depends on what sort of jobs you’re looking at. If you’re looking for copywriting opportunities, outlets for articles, short stories, poetry or essays, publishers who are posting open calls for manuscripts, or even cultural production jobs, those are all pretty different things. SO! I’m going to answer this one a little more broadly.

Writers Centres are your friends. Full disclaimer, I worked at one for five and a half years, and have been a member of Writers Victoria since I moved to Melbourne. They’re incredible resources for not only opportunities, but workshops, pitching, professional and creative development, community, networking and advice. They literally exist to help you achieve your goals.

- Writers Victoria maintains a free calendar of Opportunities and Competitions, but publishes more in their quarterly magazine which is a member perk. They’ll also often share job opportunities through their social media channels. I also still get the free e-news for Queensland Writers Centre and Writing NSW too because sometimes they share different stuff.

- I’ve heard Gotham Writers in New York is good too if you’re in America, but really I’d just suggest googling where you live and writers centre and seeing what comes up!

- Similarly festivals. I’ve worked at Brisbane Writers Festival and National Young Writers Festival here in Australia (the latter’s on online right now if you want to check out their free program!) Sign up to your local festival’s e-news, follow them on social media, they’ll usually share stuff.

- Speaking of! Social media! Haha. Twitter is often good for sharing jobs, competitions and opportunities, but I find it can be a bit of a cesspool too where people bombard the hashtags with self-promotion, so approach with caution. I find Facebook groups are way better for it personally, especially as there are a lot of specialized groups that are focused in certain or on certain writers. I know there’s lots for BIPOC writers for instance, I’m personally in a few and recommend:

Binders Full of WRITING JOBS

Binger Full of Copywriters

Style Binders – Writers in Fashion, Lifestyle and Beauty

Binder Full of Editors Seeking their Freelance Writers and Vice Versa

If you’re in Australia though, I’d especially recommend:

Women in Arts Management Collective (particularly if you’re interested in cultural production work)

Film and TV Networking Australia

Melbourne Women in Film

Writers Victoria Members

Australian Binder Full of Women Writers

Australian Arts Amidst COVID-19

Young Australian Writers

I think most of these are searchable, so just have a look, but also google your city or state + writer and see what pops up.

Otherwise, as much as it sucks to say it, a lot of the industry is who you know, so try and find ways to connect and meet with people and forge your own little community. Go to events – festivals, book launches, book clubs, join Facebook groups and in particular, if there are journals or magazines that are made in your local area, go to their launches and the events they run, no matter how big or small, and just chat to people there. As you get more established, you can be more discerning about what you go to, but when you're starting out, these are powderkegs of community and connection, and they breed suppport and, if you find the right people, you'll grow and develop together too.

Being a writer can often be pretty lonely, but being a part of supportive industry really makes all the difference, and as an old mentor of mine said – creative karma is real. You support the people coming up around you, and you’ll not only be creating a better, more inclusive and welcoming industry, but an industry that supports you right back. 😊

[randombtsprincessa]

Content Tag Game!

Tagged by my babies Dia and Maria ( @yoonia​ and @joyfulhopelox​) to answer these content queries and dish some dirt on me whoops!

Here we go!

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)? 

Well I for one thought that I would never write for Twilight again. I wrote Touch in the Worlds as a practice and just to get the feel of how writing and the posting worked online. I was very sure I wouldn’t visit the fandom again for obvious reasons, but yeah, I have recently gotten another idea for it for another character that many asked for in comments.

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? 

I am writing for Kpop (BTS) and currently have two works for Harry Potter!

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog? 

I began writing in 4th grade. Silly me also tried to make a club out of it with a few friends but yeah lol, that tanked. I mostly tried to write Horror back then because I was a hardcore Goosebumps fan. Writing kind of took a back seat to my music and dancing before making a vicious comeback. 

I made this blog to follow SuperWhoLock and other shows. Before I refurbished it to accomodate my writings. Then in 2017, I purged it again at the same time as Tumblr underwent it’s own mess of thingy.

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? 

I post on FF.net, Wattpad, Tumblr, Ao3 and Inkitt.

5. what is your favourite genre to write? 

I love smangst with fluff. Of course, like any deprived emotionally person I do do fluff because where would we be in life without it. I love the tropes of E2L, Estranged Lovers coming together, balancing otherwise unbalanced dynamics etc. Also woman empowerment because hell yes.

6. are you a pantser or a planner? 

I’ a firm swinger between the two. Usually for writing projects, like NANO i have a plan but well, when I get an idea hit, I usually just write how I see it in my head (I’m a visual imaginator). Series require more planning than one-shots.  

7. one shot or multi-chapter? 

Depends on the stories I cook up. Many of them might be finished and reach the proper catharsis in one chapter but many others aren’t stories that can be wrapped up in one sitting.

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? 

Don’t ask me. I have a problem with word counts. Ask my undergrad professors.

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete? 

I still think my longest is Touch in the Worlds. Its four books and over 200k so. Yep, it’s done and over with.

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

I. ADORE writing Autumn Leaves, mostly because my MC is lowkey brilliant. She’s a living embodiment of all the mistakes the HP characters made corrected. For BTS, I loved writing Aberrations. I’m going to have the same fun when I get to the ‘part’ in Achilles Heart. hehehe...otherwise in the future some works are *satan grins*

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?) 

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be writing a sequel for Bed Bereft. But people have asked and yep it’s coming (plotted already and I will enjoy it)

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories? 

I’ve been told I write women in relationships well. Honestly if I wanted a break down of what I as a writer have done nicely in my BTS fics it would be a question for people like @jimins-ass-eater, @stealth-liberal and @cuziloveyou7

13. current number of wips? 

Outrageous and increasing. I have a lot of chapters to upload lol.

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 

Some fics I have noticed are purely for a particular mindset. I wrote Asylum in my down time and Ambrosia is going to be the same. I tend to aim to be realistic. I am 23 years old, I have seen a few things that deserve to be addressed and I do that in my fics. Oh, and if I am writing for Namjoon, you can expect my philosophical side to jump right out and ramble in that fic. 

15. a quote you like from a published story.

● Series:

There was nothing soothing about people watching.

Or maybe there was and it required some form of inner peace to find the charm in it.

You didn’t have that sort of inner peace; neither did you have the patience for it.

- Belladonna, Chapter 1

● One-shot:

All the stories that showed that Princesses would be rescued fell short at one crucial juncture.

No one told the story about the cursed princess who was ugly, who was a monster, who wasn’t the pale skinned beauty in a glass case or silk bed.

No, nobody came to save the ugly princess and over time you learned to see yourself just that.

This man – this Jimin, would be no exception.

“After all, what’s to love?” You muttered.

You vowed not to weep. Not for a man, not for the humanity that judged who was worthy of love.

- Blackthorn Creek

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Jimin didn’t reply, carefully placing a donut on a small, pristine white plate. “I don’t think there’s anyone who just was born wrong. Everyone has reasons, everyone has stories. Things that happen to people to make them the way they are at present. It’s harsh to judge a person’s future for what the past did to them in the present.”

His eyes flickered up to glance out the window. At the edge of the park, right along the lines separating the background of the city from the forefront stood an old Honda. On it was perched a single girl.

“Like her.”

- Brownie Points

17. space for you to say something to your readers. 

I want to thank each and every single one of them. On tumblr and out of it. I know I miss out on a lot of interaction but I want you all to know that you always have an ear and shoulder available on my blog. I want you to know that these fics I write are for more than just your enjoyment. It’s for them to maybe find a part of them resonating inside of you and if I achieve that then that would be my biggest achievement. I love you all and your encouragement is literally the reason I and many other content creators are still here.

Tagging: @avveh @serooks @softyoongiionly @hobidreams @jungkxook @joonscypher @hobiwonder @bangtanhome @joheunsaram @kookdiaries @ressjeon @kithtaehyung-main @vyduan @rosietae @kookingtae and anyone else who wants to do this!

[fmdjaewonarchive]

► agree.

date(s): july 2020 - february 2021 mentions of: champion members, unity members (samsoo, yul & sunghee mentioned by name but like... blink and you’ll miss it)  word count: +/- 2.3k words (870w lyrics/660 words composition/740 words production) warnings: mentions of anxiety, panic attacks and car accidents details: full lyrics and full composition verification for agree, 3/3 verifications for jaewon’s upcoming album escapism. jaewon doesn’t only know how to write sad boi music, he also writes angry boi music, the only two emotions he’s ever experienced rlly. (a/n: i lost my braincells within the first 100 words and still haven’t retrieved them, read at your own discretion)

the song is born out of frustration, anger blocking up his throat to the point it feels hard to breathe.

it’s the kick-off point of champion’s world tour, a concept that has jaewon disgruntled enough as it is, snatching him away from unity and dropping him in the states like he is supposed to care about this group, like he doesn’t have better things to worry about.

but alas that’s beside his point, as much as he detests the idea behind champion, it’s not his main source of frustration.

traveling out to the states, that part is hell. now jaewon has never been a huge fan of traveling, suffering from a crippling fear of flying ever since predebut that somehow has not gotten any less severe with the sheer amount of flying all over the place unity has been doing. jaewon also absolutely hates airports, they’re too crowded, too hectic and far too stressful to not immediately put him in a godawful mood.

the cameras shoved right into his face both prior to departure and directly after arrival definitely didn't help.

comparatively, champion’s trip to the states this time hadn’t been that bad. jaewon just happens to be in an extra foul mood today but rationally, he has to admit that he’s seen far worse throughout the years.

but maybe that’s exactly the problem, how common these things have become, that getting pushed and pulled at while trying to get on flight was considered to be mild.

jaewon’s frustration isn’t solely aimed at an isolated instance, it’s at the ridiculous standard that’s been set for idols, the things they have to accept like they are normal.

normally he would call soo to complain about whatever was bothering him but with the time difference, jaewon knew his boyfriend was ought to be asleep at this hour and he definitely wasn’t waking him up for something this minor.

he even humors the thought of perhaps finding sunghee or yul to complain to but with most of champion out for the night doing whatever (admittedly, jaewon didn’t listen when they were making plans, he wasn’t gonna tag along anyway) that isn’t really in the cards either. perhaps that’s for the best, jaewon isn’t the biggest fan of actually talking to the younger unity members about what was on his mind.

either way, jaewon is stuck in a hotelroom by himself, no one around to really vent his frustration too so instead, he might just as well write it all down.

and that’s exactly what he does, settling down at the desk in his hotelroom, scribbling on a notepad randomly found laying around.

on the plane the person in the seat next to me that’s not my fan apparently buying info off the airplane company

it’s not entirely relevant to what happened at the airport earlier but jaewon feels angry all over just thinking about it. unity has had it’s fair share of experiences with saesangs, seemingly only increasing the more popular they keep getting. sure, that makes sense but it doesn’t mean it’s okay, contrary to what dimensions seem to believe with how easily the company brushes it off under the pretense of it just being another part of the job.

at the airplane lounge there’s a war between the 200 mm guns privacy, panic disorder, they barter with one another...

in the first place, jaewon’s main concern is unity, it always is. he’s willing to put up with a lot if it means the younger members are left off the hook. but he has to admit, since the panic attacks have started to become more prevalent, it’s a lot harder to take that stance. it’s hard to take care of others when he fails to take care of himself.

jaewon tries not to think about what that means for his position as a leader.

from early morning put on a mask and fight on in short, call it being a puppet...

jaewon knows he’s not an ideal idol, he’s never been and he never will be. maybe in retrospect, he would have done things differently but there is no use in considering those what-ifs now. there is, however, no denying that all of it is just a bigger struggle with him, it will never go as easily as with people who were made to stand in front of the camera’s. why shouldn’t he get to be open and honest about that? he’s not the perfect idol they want him to be, he will never fit that mold.

i know, that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right i know that’s right that’s right that’s right

written out, the chorus feels a bit silly, but jaewon feels justified in his creative choices. not that the song is ever going to be used for anything, it’s just an attest to his frustration. jaewon knows he’s ought to sit down and silently accept whatever is expected of him.

it’s been years since he’s been his own person. these days, he’s dimensions’ property first and that of the general public second, there is no use in fighting that, no space for his voice.

so sure, whatever, he agrees, what else can he do?

---------------

jaewon forgets about the lyrics he’s written down after that.

in the moment there had been no intention to turn them into a full-fledged song, a haphazard combination of lyrics that in their raw form, probably held very little meaning, too much filler between the few parts that he did properly think through.

so jaewon forgets all about it before he even sets foot back in korea again. unity is busy enough, the release of neo zone lurking around the corner and with multiple schedules of his own, jaewon can’t even think about the song if he wants to.

it only comes drifting back into his consciousness at least a month of two having passed since champion’s american tour dates.

the day in itself isn’t anything special, if there is anything remarkable about it it’s the fact jaewon isn’t working for once. he’s just hanging around his and samsoo’s apartment, scrolling through whatever app on his phone keeps his attention for long enough.

until an article pops up.

it’s a news post about a rookie group he’s never heard of from a company he doesn’t know the name of, it has nothing to do with him, but he finds himself reading through it anyway. apparently, they got into an accident on their way home from schedules as they were being followed by saesangs. no one got injured and truly, it’s not the first time jaewon has read news like this but it does fill him with the same sense of anger as what he had experienced that first day in the states with champion.

because this type of news shouldn’t be common, for how long are people gonna pretend it is?

maybe he should finish that damn song.

wait does he even still have the lyrics?

jaewon vaguely remembers at the very least putting the sheet of paper in his backpack after the concert as he had been packing up to move to the next city of their tour but after that, he can’t say he recalls having seen it lay around.

he’s really ought to get more orderly with his drafts.

luckily for him, jaewon does find the sheet of paper, not in his bag but shoved in between the pages of a notebook and with the draft of his lyrics obtained he makes a beeline for his home studio. normally he’d do this stuff at the company headquarters but truly, that sounds like far too much work in the moment.

obviously, the song is meant to have an angry undertone to it, supposed to convey the same anger and frustration that swallowed jaewon whole as he had written the lyrics.

the deep, resonating boom of low brass sounds for the opening of the song are a no brainer, the sound gives a bombastic, ominous vibe, immediately setting the song off on the right note. it’s supposed to sound grande and honestly a little bit intimidating, a dark feeling creeping around the corners.

of course, the sound is far too theatrical to be underlaying to the entire song so jaewon alternates it with a deep, booming bassline, the brass only reappearing right before the chorus other than in the opening section as if to give off a warning. to fill up the verses and the parts in between, jaewon adds rumbling, deep drums in the background, making them feel less empty.

what really makes the song however is the rapidly-cycling electronic stuttering a rhythmic pattern across almost all parts of the song. it feels a little distracting at first before jaewon decides that really, that’s exactly what he’s going for. the melody feels just a little too fast, uncomfortably so and in a song reflecting so much stress and strain, that only feels fair, reflectives of the way his chest tightens up when he can’t breathe, when his hands tremble and his heart beats so fast it might as well make him sick.

jaewon thinks it conveys his frustrations pretty damn well.

---------------

it doesn’t seem in the books for the song to ever be released until the process of selecting songs for escapism comes along. while jaewon regains some of his creative freedom, most of it had been under dimensions terms, leaving it up to them to shape the album in a way they prefer over his creative vision.

until somewhere near the end of completing the track list, the head producer asks jaewon if he has any songs laying around that could fit in with the rest of the album.

‘agree’ is the first thing to come to mind.

the head producer seems to like the songs, enough to approve it at least and jaewon can’t help but feel a flare of pride. the producer seems intent on leaving the creative process in his hands, letting him handle the production.

it makes ‘agree’ the first song ever that’s entirely his own that he gets to release, it feels like a milestone to jaewon.

he does get a little list of suggestions, mainly pertaining to the lyrics. the producer leaves a few remarks here and there about where lines could be stronger, what he would do differently but all of it are very loose recommendations, jaewon isn’t actually under an obligation to do anything with them.

in the end, he does anyway, shuffles some lyrics around, dares to be a bit more assertive in his wording, right onto the border of what he would consider too gloat-y for himself. but the producer is right, it gets to pack a punch, it gets to be a little bit self-important. somehow having the external confirmation makes it easier to write those lyrics without feeling like a fraud. it’s still his, his writing, his song.

with the last tweaks done they’re quick to get to recording. they’re still on a time crunch as jaewon’s manager reminds him (jaewon likes the man well enough but dear lord would he never let him forget). it's one of the last songs on the album to be recorded after all and at this point, they are cutting it close.

with everything else he needs done, all jaewon has left to do is fine tune the song, the last tweaks and sounds to be added like missing puzzle pieces now he has the bigger picture pretty much laid out in front of him, polishing and detailing it to elevate the song worth of something to be released on an album.

the instrumental is already pretty hectic, fully intentional of course, but with a proper, clear recording it’s easier to spot the empty gaps, spaces to add the last finishing touches. he adds more brass, less grande and dramatic than the ones in the pre-chorus, curling around the edges of the chorus to round them up neatly and as if to scale down again for the verses, still fast paced but somewhat a breath of fresh air between one chorus and the other.

he delays the part at the opening before the brass and bass kick in, a silence before the storm feels even if the hyperactive stuttering beat is already there, he considers taking that out at first too but the point kind of is that it is more or less omnipresent, it’s always there even when there is nothing else much, like the anxiety that feels permanently stuck to his head.

there is also the addition of an extra melodic line, lingering behind that main, slightly headache inducing electronic synth. it doesn’t really stand out, especially not compared to it’s main competitor but it does remain prevalent in the few parts the main instrumental motif is nowhere to be found, giving it small moments to shine. it serves a clear function, or to jaewon listening ear at least (maybe he’s overanalyzing at this point). the little bounces of the electronic beat all over the place keep up the pace of the song, making sure its explosive nature prevails over the dark dreary undertones of the bassline and brass sections, giving it an overall dynamic feel.

it takes some fiddling, jaewon pulls something close to an all-nighter to finish up the song with the sheer amount of detail he ends up focussing on but by the time he sends it in, he has a good feeling about it at least.

when he presents the final product to the head producer, there are no more suggestions. it’s good, and it’s all his own work.

[always5hineee]

Profit Margin- Chapter 2: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Chapter warnings: Mild language

Word count: 1506

Full list of chapters can be found on the Profit Margin tab on my page, as well as on Quotev and Wattpad under Taffysamg. 

-----

       Y/N woke up in a panic. It took her a few moments to realize what was going on. The last thing she remembered was getting blindfolded and grabbed by some strange group of people- at least two men, if she recalled correctly. The taste of the drug was still stale on her tongue, matched only by whatever cloth was tied around her face to force her teeth apart. How long had she been out? Where was she now? She couldn't see a thing- was she still blindfolded?

       Trying to reach her hands up to clear her face, she realized that she was tied to something. Her arms were at an uncomfortable angle to the sides, slightly skewn back. Her legs were in a similar predicament, each tied to the leg of what she could only assume was a chair. She struggled for a moment against the restraints, but quickly realized that they weren't anywhere near coming off. Whoever had tied her up must have been good at it.

       "Ohh, I think the little lady is waking up!" Someone said, sending a shiver up her spine. There were other people here? Were these the men who had assaulted her? How long had they been watching? She wanted to ask who was there, but the binding in her mouth was keeping her from doing so.

       She had known the risks of human trafficking in areas like this one, especially at large events and venues, but she had never really thought it would happen to her. After all, she was too old to be a child, and she wasn't really all that interesting of a person. Although it was partially her own fault for walking around on her own... Her heart was pounding and her breathing was labored. She was practically going into shock. It didn't help when a blinding light filled her gaze- the covering had been taken off her head.

       It took more than a moment for her eyes to adjust. As it turned out, the room she was in wasn't bright. It was simply a white ring light that was aimed directly at her face. The little bit of the walls that she could see were dark and dirty, potentially cinderblock or concrete. While she could see a few silhouettes, the light was keeping her from noticing any distinct features.

       "Wow, not bad." The voice that had spoken before piped up again. "The mascara tracks really make the look." Mascara... she hadn't even realized she had been crying until he said that. Her makeup must have been running if he noticed.

       "Stop messing around. We need to check her details and get her out." A second voice. Was this the other man who had kidnapped her?

       "What's your name, sweetheart?" She tried to make a noise in response. It wasn't an answer to his question, though, but rather an attempt at a scream. Of course, not much made it through. "Oh! Right, I forgot. Silly me!" A hand came into the light, reaching towards her face. It was clearly a leaner man, wearing a dark blue blazer- a suit, maybe? Regardless, she didn't want him touching her. She attempted to lean away as he reached for her gag.

       "Now, now, don't be like that." This man who kept speaking- the most talkative out of the two- he seemed... familiar. Something about the pitch resonated with her, but the tone was different. With nowhere to run, she eventually ran out of room to lean, leaving her still enough that he could rip it off of her face. Gasping for air, she felt the saliva that had gathered in the corners of her mouth slide down her chin. Well, she must have looked like a regular disaster.

       "Alright, let's try this again."

       "What's your name?" The second man said, surprising her slightly. She hadn't expected him to be concerned.

       "Come on, hun, we don't have all day." The first said again.

       "Y-Y/N..." She responded shakily.

       "Ah, Y/N..." The man continued. "You see, we're in a bit of a bind. We were supposed to get more than a few little pretties to take with us tonight. Unfortunately, you took so fucking long cleaning yourself up that you actually put us way off schedule. That could put us out a lot of money."

       "M-money?"

       "Yeah, I'd say we make anywhere between twenty to fifty thousand a person. Especially with pretty young girls always coming to our concerts and all." Our... our concerts? Were these people working with WayV? So this wasn't just an isolated incident or a planned target- they moved with the band? Did the managers know? Were the members in danger? Why would-

       "Anyway, if we only come home with one, Kun is gonna be disappointed." She froze. Her heartbeat stopped, breath stilled, eyes stopped darting around for a second. What... what?

       "Careful, you'll send her into shock." Another voice laughed. It was less crazy than the first voice, but not as calm as the second. Another man? Her stomach dropped as she started to realize why these voices sounded so familiar. No, that couldn't be right. It couldn't. The logistics just didn't work. They had mentioned Kun's name to mess with her- that was it.

       "No..." She said out loud as she thought through it. It couldn't be true. It. Wasn't. True.

       "Aww, look, she's sad that her heroes have her tied up in a basement!" The first one laughed. "Honestly, I'd think most fans were into this kind of thing! What with all the creepy shit you post on Twitter..." Looking to the voice with the snap of her head, she tried to catch a good luck. Surely, there would be some strange, fifty year old man back there, right?

       "She still doesn't believe us." The third said, a hint of amusement in his voice. Then, in one swift motion, the ring light turned so that it was facing up, pointed directly underneath a man's face, much like a child telling a ghost story.

       "Boo!" She involuntarily yelped at the sudden sight, sending the boy into a fit of laughter. The lighting was strange, but... The shape of his jawline, the curvature of his lips, the slender nature of his face- it was unmistakable.

       Hendery.

       The same Hendery who had been on stage in front of her not long ago.

       The one who had beamed out over the audience with an innocent smile. Was he looking for victims even then? And how many of the members were involved? He had already mentioned Kun, but which ones were in the room with her now?

       "See, normally I'd let Xiaojun handle these matters." Now Xiaojun was involved as well? "But I just had to see the little brat that cost us our haul, hm?" He reoriented the light, stepping completely into it so that he was fully in view. He was in a different outfit than he had been wearing on stage- it was more discreet.

       "I can't wait to make up for that with all the fun we're going to have before we sell you."

       "Forget it, stop playing with her. We should move out while we're not on a time crunch."

       "M-move?" She asked, immediately regretting bringing any sort of attention to herself. Still, she was confused. Hadn't they moved her here to begin with?

       "Yeah, sweetheart, move. See, we're underneath the arena right now- not that you can tell with this light in your face. We can't just have you touring with us, now can we? So, we're gonna take you home. Obviously you're not allowed on the bus, so we'll have Xiaojun and YangYang escort you in an auxiliary vehicle. I'm sure you understand- cargo, and all." Kneeling down on one leg, he reached for the strap binding her right wrist.

       "Are you sure that's-" The quieter man started to say from the dark. Before he had even finished, Y/N had done what he was warning against simply out of instinct- she slapped Hendery in the face. Head tilted awkwardly, he glared back up at her.

       "You wanna play those games? That's fine, we'll just knock you out again. Can't promise you'll make it out in such good shape, this time, though." Eyes widening, she shook her head.

       "N-no, no, it was an accident- I-it won't happen again, I promise, I-"

       "Really, now?" He stood back up, grabbing her jaw and making eye contact with her. "Can I get an apology, then?"

       "S... s-"

       "I'm waiting." His grip tightened painfully.

       "I'm sorry."

       "For?"

       "H-hitting you."

       "Good." He let go. "What kind of reputation would I have if I let some bitch bat me around, huh?" He began undoing the rest of her restraints. He was nothing like the Hendery she knew. This man was insane- and who else knew? Were their managers even aware? Why do all of this for money when they were clearly already loaded?

       What was going to happen to her?

Go to Chapter 3

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with blueparacosm (they/them)

what are you working on right now? right now i’m working on a multi-chapter merlin au (murphamy, duh). murphy as the sorcerer, bellamy as the prince, octavia as the half-sister sorceress, lexa as the painfully vague great dragon, you get the gist.

what’s something you’d like to write one day? i’d love to write a big canonverse adventure story with murphy and bellamy. i love the idea of a story of about 35k words of them traveling together, getting to know each other better, and having all the conversations they should be having in canon. hopping planets, anomaly shenanigans, cave spelunking, bardo breakout, whatever the hell etherea ends up being. mostly just because i want a snow kiss on nakara. i won’t lie to you. just something big and colorful and fun. the works. if i do end up writing it, it’ll be after the show is over and all these new weird settings have been? fleshed? i forget the phrase. surely it’s not ‘fleshed’… ed’s note: they mean ‘fleshed out’, probably.

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? definitely “alone with you.” i’m used to writing kind of absurd and fast-paced stories and “alone with you” stands out to me as one of my more genuine fics that takes its time, and i was really surprised by how well that change of pace went over with people who read it. i really wrote that one for myself, it was almost a vent fic about depression and comfort and nature and solitude and other loser dork shit, and so to see that people resonated with its themes was so heartwarming and encouraging. i even had a few people tell me they were laying around, reading it outside, feeling comforted and calmed by the mossy rock of it all. so i suppose it’s my favorite because of the great response to it, and because it was so different from anything else i’ve written and was basically just me testing the waters to see if people would mind if i spent more time on imagery and character development and yet, apparently turned out actually readable. who would’ve thunk?

why did you first start writing fic? god, i must have been 14? so when s2 was airing, and i’d never read or written fanfic or even been part of a fandom, i just loved murphy so much that i had to talk about it with someone, so i joined twitter and inevitably found ao3. and i found i loved fics and i’ve always liked writing but didn’t know what to do with stories after i’d written them, so i thought i’d try my hand at writing and posting something. i think i got a pretty good response on my first few fics (orphaned since then because… good god) for a 14 year old with shitty grammar and a weird writing style and terrible dialogue but a lot of enthusiasm, and i thought it was so much fun to share my ideas and get nice feedback from others, so i kept going. :)

what frustrates you most about fic writing? i’ll be real with you dog: i never feel good enough. i swear i could write a fic with 1000 kudos and 1000 lovely comments and i would still think i could’ve and should’ve done better. it’s easy to forget we do this for fun and for free and that i could be a hell of a lot worse. at a certain point, i think my understanding of what makes a good story surpassed my actual writing ability, so now i’m scrambling to catch up and write something i’m proud of again. fingers crossed for that merlin au.

what are your top five songs right now? “those who can’t, cheat” by clarence clarity “georgia on my mind” by microwave “eggshell” by runnner “nice house” by joy wave “gay in the south”by susto

what are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic)? my inspirations are usually shows for structure and short stories for tone/style! my attention span is pathetic so i barely ever read books anymore which is … not promising for a wannabe writer and i should probably get that figured out if i want to continue improving but we’ll cross that bridge when i am prepared to admit i have arrived at it. but, mostly shows. i love watching tv and am constantly analyzing shows’ story structure and making notes of what i thought worked and what i didn’t like. getting a masterclass in suspense from black sails right now. all television is educational television if you try hard enough.

what attracts you to writing about Murphamy? what first attracted you?murphamy has such good bones. of course i’d want them to be canon, but their personalities mesh so well in the focused and organized and fun world of fics. there’s just something different about them in that they make every single AU their bitch. there’s nowhere they don’t shine and even if they weren’t already my only concern in the world, their adaptability makes them the perfect control variable for trying out a million different writing styles and lengths and genres. pirate au you got it. wizard au hell yeah. sports au let’s hear it for the boys. canon divergence release the beasts. fuck it i wrote them as witnesses to the crucifixion of jesus christ once and it wasn’t even that weird. they’re my favorite lab rats.

besides Murphamy, what’s your favorite ship on t100? i can honestly say i don’t care for anyone else. there are plenty of pairings i could boogie with and plenty of murphy ships that i joke about but none i’m actively rooting for or seeking out fan-made content about. murphamy or bust. i suppose i liked clexa, sea mechanic, and jonty well enough when they were in their prime but all good and gay things must apparently come to an end.

besides Murphy, who’s your favorite character on t100? oh sweet jasper… sweet jasper come home to me…

would you ever write a sheidheda/murphy fic? what about other rarepairs? i absolutely would. in fact i’ll do it right now. a story about those two going head to head would be a literal gold mine do you think this is a funny silly little game? it’s not. the tension between murphy and an ancient sexy demon is something that can actually be so personal but my mutuals are getting increasingly angrier with me for talking about it. not to say i’m stopping. as for other rare pairs i’ve been genuinely interested in ECHORI lately you know like an insane person. and i loved zev/murphy. it’s a cold, cruel world we live in. wouldn’t be opposed to one last gabriel/murphy hurrah before the show ended either. OH! OH! and someone should write some wells/murphy. not me because i’m writing sheidurphy.

what are some things you’d like to recommend? if anyone has a food lion near them, in the bakery they have these boxes of little sugar cookies and they’re only like four dollars but there’s like 25 cookies in there it’s unfathomable. 

also these baller writers on ao3: sapphictomaz, hopskipaway, oogaboogu, sadie18, and maunwocha! 

and for my finale i’m gonna plug my murphy playlist, and my murphamy playlist. because sharing is caring and music is good and i’m proud of them.

it was my absolute joy to interview blueparacosm! you can find them primarily on Twitter at slugcities. my favorite blueparacosm fics are: thirty-five paper frogs, an exploration of Murphy and Jasper’s friendship while they’re on the Ring together; the fantastic it’s good to be me, an absolutely poetic examination of prime!Murphy at the end of season 6; fish boy, the heart-wrenching mermaid!Murphy fic; and lastly, the old magic oddities show, a really weird fic that shows off the adaptability of these characters in a wholly new light. 

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[lightninginabottle0613]

some post-ttlr reflections 🚌💛

typing this from beyond the grave, as you all have killed me/are continuing to kill me with your sweet comments on this epilogue. what are you all doing, why are you all perfect angels. why was my “””epilogue””” the longest goddamn chapter of this story. i have so many questions and not a single answer.

if you are at all interested in some deeply personal ramblings and feelings (tw: depression and mental health and all of that), those are below the cut. i was honestly just looking for a place to dump them all, so i could properly process this whole experience that completely turned my life upside down in a matter of months. but if i learned anything from writing this story, it’s that maybe some people can relate to what i’m feeling! so they’re there - if that’s something that floats your boat.

if not (and you will not offend me, seriously, it’s long lol), then please please please just know one thing - i love every single person who read this story. i can’t believe it’s over and i’m going to miss the fuck out of it, but i’m so happy that i could write something worthy of consumption for a fandom/pairing that is so close to my heart. i sort of felt the whole time like i wished i had waited until it was finished to start posting, instead of updating after i was done each chapter, but looking back - i’m so glad i didn’t. this story was so heavy in so many ways, and every comment and private message made me want to keep writing. so much about this felt like a shared experience and a collaborative effort, even as the author, so i just want to say thank you to anyone who showed it even the slightest amount of attention. i can’t wait to keep writing both for and among such incredible people.

(also, i would be remiss if i didn’t say a special thank u/i love u to @yanak324 and @harrenhollaback. for the emotional support and for gifting me with friendships i never expected when i joined this community. i owe you both more than i can say.)

ok hey! i’ll get right to it - 2019 was the worst year of my life, and i very nearly didn’t survive it.

i’ve struggled with depression for about ten years, to varying degrees. it runs deep in my family, in pretty much every person on my mother’s side, and i didn’t learn that until about four years into my own mental health journey. my entire life, a lot was expected of me - not a super uncommon thing for an eldest child, i think. but as a result of a lot of repression from other people in my family of their own mental illnesses, i was confused by a lot of the heaviness i was feeling, and i thought i needed to handle it the same way, because that was the only example i had.

a lot of my progress was stunted after that, but i did start trying to make some changes when i turned 18. even so, i was doing a lot of the work on my own and in silence, and i still made a lot of decisions based on what i thought i should do, instead of giving myself the space and time to figure out what i actually wanted to do. i think my main focus for so long was just on not feeling sad anymore - because i was still so in the dark about the complexities of depression, and i had no idea how much work it actually takes to undo a lifetime of destructive behaviors and negative thought patterns.

my life was pretty nonstop from 18-24. for six years i dealt with one crisis after another. i was forced to react to all of them in real time, but i wasn’t able to thoroughly process any of them, and it wasn’t until may of 2019 that i realized just how brutal and damaging that pace was. that month was the first time that my life was even remotely calm for the first time in six years, and once my mind had a second to breathe, i realized just how numb it was.

i really, really did not want to be here anymore. i was so far down in the pit (something i’ve been calling it for about five years), that i could barely breathe. i can remember one specific saturday that month where i sat on the floor of my apartment for three hours in silence and didn’t eat a single thing until 6:00 that night. even now as i type this, i’m curbing the urge to call myself dramatic (ha), but i don’t know how else to describe it - other than saying that i quite literally could not function.

as suuuuper dumb and cheesy as this probably sounds, this was all concurrent with the last season of game of thrones and my subsequent discovery of the character of arya (i hadn’t consumed any asoiaf content prior to last year). i was so fascinated by her - i know so many arguments can be made that show!arya was not really her by the end of it, but trust and believe that i have read everything about book!arya that i can get my hands on. i had never seen so much of myself in a character before - both book and show - and i found such a comfort in watching her navigate childhood and deal with trauma and learn how to be vulnerable.

i couldn’t tell you the first fic i found or even how i stumbled across ao3 to begin with. but i can tell you that - not unlike probably anyone reading this, lol - i think i tore through like five stories a day for the entire summer. you know that post that’s like ‘all i did this summer was read fanfiction and cry’ ? hello. LITrully all i did. reading so many different authors’ takes on a character that i connected with so deeply and how she leaned into love/grew from pain/strengthened her convictions was a catharsis i’d never experienced before.

i had a massive upheaval in my personal life toward the end of august that resulted in my living out of a hotel room for five days, and one of those days i blinked and had 6K words of a gendrya fic written. it contained zero of the angst and pain i was feeling, and i still have no idea which deep recess of my brain it came from. it was light and silly, and i had no intention to continue beyond that, honestly. and then the literal first comment i ever got was from someone that said ‘please don’t let this be a one-shot,’ and i suddenly realized i was doing something so harmful (something that’s been a habit of mine for so, so long, but one that fic-writing has forced me to break) - i had found something that i genuinely enjoyed, but i was talking myself out of pursuing it, because my own insecurities were telling me it wouldn’t be worth it.

ttlr was supposed to be similarly light. i’d seen a post on a really long prompt list that was written by someone whose parents actually met in the same way that gendry and arya meet in the story, and i thought it was hilarious and serendipitous and perfect for their canon storyline, which is very much a pseudo-road trip in a way. i wanted arya to have struggles with depression and self-worth, because that’s true to my interpretation of her character, and i knew i wanted to sort of explore her conflicts with catelyn as a bit of a side plot, but nothing could have prepared me for how heavy the story became. the basic gendrya plot remained the same, but the rest of the story strayed so far from the outline i planned out, in the best way.

i really hate to call it self-insertion, because i think that sort of cheapens the messages i started to try to send with each chapter, but almost every non-gendrya detail in the story is something that’s happened to me. 99% of arya’s conversation with catelyn in chapter 10 came from verbatim text messages between my mom and me, that i had to scroll back to in order to reference. i struggled so much with how to characterize ned, because i think he’s sort of difficult to get right since a lot of his canon characterization is learned through memories that other people have of him, but in this story, he is my dad. all of arya’s introspections and bad habits are mine, her conversations with her therapist are mine (adapted accordingly), and her attitude toward romantic love is mine. i do my best to keep a journal, but writing this story all but replaced that for me, for months.

so EVEN AS i slowly started to adjust to what this story was turning into for me personally, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for how it resonated with other people. depression is like a tailored suit. on the outside, it looks like any other suit for any other person, and it has a lot of the same surface-level features. but beyond that, it preys on your specific insecurities and traumas, and no one person’s experience is exactly the same as someone else’s - obviously, because no two people are exactly the same. so when i started getting comments and messages from people saying they felt seen and understood, and that my depiction of mental illness was like a punch in the gut/made them cry/was so true that it was at times hard to read, i knew that there was a reason that my brain wanted me to write this story, beyond my need for my own healing.

one of the best comments i got was from someone who said that in the future, if they ever met someone who said they didn’t understand depression, they were going to show them ttlr. i cried for like half an hour after i read that (like the choking, sobbing kind), because all i ever want to do is educate myself and other people on this really hard stuff, and make people feel like they have the right tools to be empathetic. i know that the story ended on a hopeful note - because there is always hope but it’s also a fiction story (and i would never write an un-hopeful ending for gendrya…miss me with that) - but i also really hoped to convey the idea that she still has work to do.

because i am so far from done, myself. i’m still living in the city i moved to when i thought that all i needed was physical space from my problems, and i’m finally (sort of) at a place where i can take the time i need to figure out where i’m meant to be next. i’m in my last semester of grad school, studying something that i recently learned i hate, because i picked it thinking it was the logical decision, and now it would be stupid to drop out. and i really did have that text conversation with my mother, but that was about nine months ago, and i currently haven’t spoken to her since new year’s day.

i’m also in therapy, and i’m slowly starting to reach back out to some of the people i love, who i’ve shut myself off from for the past eight months. i’m at a job that i kind of hate in a lot of ways, but it also allows me to have one-on-one time with people and help them develop, and that’s super fulfilling. and i have a real hobby now that i previously hadn’t done since before i was a teenager. that’s thanks in large part to arya, but it really comes down to this community of people.

i am fully aware that i’m on the younger side of the people in this fandom, and the last thing i want to do is come off as preachy. but while i have big plans to continue writing for these characters and treating them with the care they deserve, i also do really want to continue to be someone that can make people feel a little bit less alone (through the stories i tell, and beyond that). the entire journey of this story for me was a lesson in how to say what i feel in an unapologetic way, treat even the darkest and saddest parts of myself with the same amount of love that i do the happy parts, and hopefully create a space where people feel like they can do the same thing.

i read something once that said that a member of a family who actively chooses their own healing will go through a period where they become the enemy, because they’ve disrupted the family system. i don’t know that this is true all the time, but i think it’s a really eye-opening way to think about a lot of situations where people find themselves isolated even more for prioritizing their own recovery. it was certainly the case for me, anyway. again, i know that i’m young and i have a lot of life left to live, but (at the risk of sounding ….. dramatic) i have that life to live because i’m making that prioritization. if ttlr, and any other story i write, can serve as the reminder for at least one person that healing is a choice we make and a long road to travel - and based on the comments i’ve gotten, it sounds like it has - then there’s nothing more that i could ask for.

this story is my entire heart and soul. i worried every step of the way about whether i was doing justice to the characters, but i mostly just loved having an outlet for such tough stuff. i’m excited to write more, but i don’t know that anything will ever mean as much to me as this has. so thank you to every person that gave it the time of day (or night lol). writing it genuinely changed my life.

(also as an additional resource, i’m sharing this podcast interview with none other than the hero of winterfell herself. i watched this when it first came out, and i’ve watched it probably 50 times since. if you’ve made it this far in this post - first of all, omg. but also if anything i said struck a chord and you haven’t seen this, it’s a must-watch. she hits the nail on the head perfectly, and she puts so much into words that i was never able to before.)

my messages are always open. i am always free to talk about anything and everything mental health. if you’re struggling, just know that i’m with you and i love you. 💛

[freewheelshippin]

30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices​ for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme! 

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE  

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen! 

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh 

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art? 

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans 

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao) 

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol) 

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai 

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer ) 

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out 

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u  Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.) 

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club) 

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so 

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself. 

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG 

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ??? 

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance! 

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic 

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss 

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs. 

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3) 

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...) 

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!! 

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you??? 

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss 

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!! 

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much??? 

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda) 

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too. 

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best. 

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK 

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH 

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind! 

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking ......... 

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!) 

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line! 

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.  

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough! 

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao. 

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy. 

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point ) 

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.  

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say. 

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around! 

[notmyatari]

On “Intellivision Amico,” from a friend

This was just posted on the AtariAge forum, where Tommy Tallarico has been holding court for the past year. I thought it would be smart to preserve it here. 

Yes, yes, official "hater," here.

I have certainly not made any secret of my dislike of what Tallerico has brought to our forum (cronyism, white knighting, a lack of critical thinking). That's probably not entirely fair... some of the Amico enthusiasm I'm sure is pure and genuine, but it really seems anything but the most mild criticism is met with insults, dogma and blinded thinking. I have stopped subscribing because of it (perhaps I'll go back to subscribing when some of this silliness dies down; I obviously still use and mostly enjoy the site). I have stopped trusting certain AA staff because of it. My block list is much larger than it used to be. I know perfectly well that a certain CEO has gone after me at least a couple of times (I'm really not sure why as I haven't done anything in his "official" thread and have limited most of my negative comments to YouTube... and even then, it's generally been light snark, never anything as personal as some around here have become). I've never been banned or reprimanded on this (or any) forum.

I truly hope some of you can put that, all of that aside for a second. I want to appeal to your critical thinking caps for a bit.

I always said that I did like the idea of family friendly, casual gaming. I have too many video games to even list (I'm one of those dorks with literally thousands of games), and hardly any time to play them... so fun, small pick up and play experiences and multiplayer experiences that my significant other and I can enjoy are important to me.

I have also been consistent in my view that an Amico was unnecessary to have those experiences.

I don't know that I'm a huge fan of any company or brand. I certainly have my expectations of certain companies, certain brands. When Nintendo releases a compilation of budget mini games, I have an expectation that they will be (for the most part) well thought out, buttoned up tightly and be mostly good value for money.

I don't need to become a walking infomercial for the Switch. You probably already know if one is good for you and your family or whatever. I will say this... at this point, if you can't see that Switch (really any console, but let's put aside the really heavy hitters that cost a ton for a second) provides literally everything Tallerico has promised you so far... RIGHT NOW, then you are either not looking carefully enough or you've been blinded by the "science" of talking to Tommy. I get it; I thought it was super cool when he first joined the forum, too! I legitimately love some of his contributions to gaming. My thoughts of happiness curdled slowly at first and then more quickly as I saw how he conducted himself here and elsewhere. All too often criticism became a reason to personally attack others. All along, there seemed to be a burning desire to have the last word, which, in and of itself is obnoxious, but doubly so when he preaches "let's agree to disagree" one time and then goes after physical appearances, relationships, mental states and other assorted nasty things on the other.

Putting aside my criticism of his behavior here for a moment, let's talk about the product he is trying to bring to market.

Most of the skepticism in regards to the Amico has been, all along, that it wasn't bringing enough DIFFERENCE to the table, particularly when Switch exists. Certainly, as the price of the console crept (continues to creep?) upward, the idea of a budget conscious console has all but flown out the window. "But what about the cost of games?" I hear some of you say. Well, sure, first party Nintendo games tend to be fifty or sixty(!) bucks... but how many wonderful indie titles come in under the 10 dollar mark? Hell, even the five dollar mark? "But the shop is too difficult to navigate; my mom can't do it!" I dunno... if you are that concerned about your mom's gaming habits, you help her with it? Just a thought. "But porn!" Sigh. You want to go after Nintendo (or any of the big guys) for charging an arm and a leg for controllers and peripherals... well sure, that's absolutely true... they gouge us! But when Amico costs right under what Switch costs already... I don't know how long you can hang onto that lifeline.

I think that the release of that trailer for 51 Worldwide Games today absolutely puts paid to the Amico and even the concept of it. You have 51 games, coming in at roughly forty bucks (what's that... 80 cents a game? even if a third of them suck, you'd still be looking at over thirty games)... and almost everything on that comp is something that Amico has touted for themselves (and no, I don't believe Nintendo is releasing this to undercut Amico somehow. This kind of dominance of casual gaming is WHAT NINTENDO DOES) as being an experience you can only have thru their machine. It just simply isn't the case. You can prosthelytize about the revolutionary controller and couch co-op and everything else you want... but my biggest problem all along has been that rhetoric.

Couch co-op already exists. On every game platform.

Fun, pick up and play family games exist. On every platform.

Easy to use controls? I guess that one is debatable, but I feel like that's more down to developers. I'm certainly not convinced that the Amico controller is some kind of paradigm-shifting wonder peripheral, anymore than I was about the Wiimote. The argument of "you have to hold one to see" simply doesn't work unless you're mailing one to those three billion people for a week so they can all give it the ol' college try.

Another red flag has been the insistence that Amico "isn't for us" (us meaning people who care enough about games to hang out on a board, I guess)... and yet, Tallerico spends a great deal of time here, preaching to the converted, and then making sure that every YouTube channel, big and small gets a personal checkup from him (or the faithful) if the word "Amico" is uttered. It's not for "us," but why is the drum being hit so hard on places that have "us." Do you see the disconnect, there? This weird, grassroots marketing appeal loses a lot of it's attractiveness when Tallerico has flat out stated that getting YouTube "influencers" onside was part of his strategy... and then suddenly skeptics have phone calls and interviews and free stuff. What are we supposed to think? What is anybody supposed to think? I can't help but think of the part in the Wayne's World movie where suddenly it's Wayne and Garth shilling Nike and Motrin for five minutes. I get wanting to go after 3 billion casual gamers who just play freeimum games on their phone... but I honestly and truly believe that if Tallerico and his team wanted to do that, they should have developed a suite of unmissable, killer software for phones, Steam, Switch, PSN, Live Marketplace (or whatever it's called these days), etc. under the Intellivision banner. Instead, they have gone this all but baffling route, designing an underpowered console from the ground up, couching it as some kind of budget solution and then watching as the price slowly grew. What is the end goal here? The stated goals of bringing back family gaming and so forth sound great... but they simply do not hold up to the light of scrutiny. Families never stopped gaming. Cheap, small games are within reach. I don't like the proliferation of huge budget AAA FPS titles with lootboxes and all of the other perils of modern gaming either... but nor do I pretend that that's all there is to gaming in this time.

Despite all of this, I don't wish Tallerico or Amico ill. He saw his shot, and I guess he took it. I don't think the Amico has much of a chance commercially, even being sold at non traditional retail channels. Very few will ever know about it; it will most likely be a blip on the radar. I do wish the never ending infomercial here at Atari Age would end. I do wish that some of you would realize that when you white knight for Amico, when you "stan" for it (as the kids allegedly say), you make the whole operation look bad. When you bash others for not liking an unproven, untried product... who are you actually doing harm to? The targets of your ire? I realize that this will kick up some stink, and I'm not particularly looking forward to it or looking for a fight. In fact, I won't. I've stated my issues, reservations and concerns. I particularly expect anything to change. I already know who this message will resonate with and who will take it as a personal attack. I just wanted to get some of this off of my chest, particularly in light of that Worldwide games trailer. Let me get it out of the way; my name is Justin, I'm married and have no kids and the Amico isn't for me and I have too many games and I'm  a manchild with toys on a shelf and etc. I'm a "hater," remember. But the last thing I am is a bandwagon jumper.

I really hope that some of you don't take this as some hate-filled screed... rather it's an appeal. An appeal to not let yourselves get so caught up in something that criticism of that thing hurts you like you were attacked. An appeal to look below the surface, even slightly when a new product is announced. If there are things you want, your family wants... don't be fooled by hype. Don't fall in love with the IDEA of something to the exclusion of all else. Instead, look around to see if your needs can be met by other means. Do you need the better mousetrap? Will that better mousetrap actually BE any better? Please think critically.