#hopefully I explained the medical terms well enough?

[goodluckclove]

Warning: Major Vent Post

One mission statement that has ruled my life since I was 14 and running my high school's GSA: so much of queer and neurodivergent youth are suffering and I'm going to do virtually everything I can think of to help them.

I tended to my schoolmates self harm scars and called the police on abusive parents as a child. And now, over a decade later, I'll help some poor kid compose an explanation to help explain their psychosis and hopefully get treated.

I can't fucking believe this type of shit still happens. It's insane to me that I still need to be doing this. Have we made no productive strides in terms of mental health for our younger generations? We know the terms. We have the communities. And yet for some fucking reason our siblings still don't feel safe in their environments to ask for the treatments they know they probably need.

Even just therapy. Even just fucking therapy.

"oh but not everyone needs therapy and medication-" yeah man that's great for you, but there's a 16 year old in Indiana who would fucking love some Vyvanse or Cymbalta and a safe person to process trauma with.

It doesn't even need to be forever. Adolescence is literally the worst of mental health for most people and there are kids there just raw dogging it and thinking "well I guess I'm fucked". It gets easier as you reach adulthood but you gotta reach it first, you know?

Anyways I'm upset. I was literally begging a kid here in the middle of an episode to wake up their parent. I don't know if they will. I hope they will. It makes me think of the girl I talked down from the bridge a few months ago. I don't know what happened to her either.

I can't do enough for these kids. I'm not their parent. I can't raise them all. I can give them all the resources and information and support I can, but if their guardians refuse to get them to a doctor then they aren't going to a doctor. And by the time they have access to their own health insurance, they might think it's not worth trying. Fuck.

Youth I need you to take care of yourselves. Please. There's so much in the world if you're willing to scratch and claw your way towards recovery I swear to God.

Fuck I'm tired now.

[bonny-kookoo]

has tongue tied!Mc ever been sick while staying with the boys?

"I can't believe that.. you know." Hoseok sighs as Taehyung lays down on his back. "I mean, I honestly haven't thought about it at all to be fair- but still. I never knew how bad those side effects could get." He mumbles concerned.

"We'll just have to be there for her as a pack." He shrugs, holding you where you're sprawled out almost on top of him, limbs trying to hold onto him as his hand runs up and down your back. "She seems most calm when most of us are around." He explains.

"Well, good thing we've got some time off anyways." Jimin says, placing a puzzle piece down where it belongs. "Amd I think it's good the world gets to see this too. I think most forget what we have to regularly go through as hybrids." He explains, as Jungkook nods.

They're all sure this conversation will most likely get cut out the final episode. But they've long stopped caring- that fact having showed itself especially when Jungkook had put his foot down and told the company he'd not join the project if you weren't allowed to tag along.

And at first, it was all great- the first week of filming good enough for the camera directors it seemed like, and fans really enjoyed the more personal and domestic side of everyone- including you. But then you'd suddenly gotten sick when you went home for a few days with the guys- a private checkup confirming that you weren't necessarily sick, but simply going through your quarterly cycle as a hybrid-

Or your 'heat' as it's commonly referred to.

The only reason you're so quiet and dependant however is to be blamed on the company's decision to use a hormonal shot for you- medication used to eliminate and conquer any natural effects of your cycle, and 'calm you down', according to advertisers and pharmaceutical companies.

'Calming you down' just being a different term for making you emotionally and physically miserable.

You're tired, without any energy to do much, uninterested in anything really. Your mood is rather gloomy and unsure, nothing really able to cause you any positive excitement due to your hormones being all messed up. You cling to any member that accepts it, desperate for any form of security it seems like, constantly worried of things you can't voice out.

Because by now, you've gone completely entirely silent, rarely ever making a sound.

"Things like that shouldn't be legal." Jungkook mumbles almost angrily to himself as he searches for a correct puzzle piece. "Like, it shouldn't be legal for anyone to be able to decide things like this for someone who's able to make these decisions themselves." He quietly argues, and a cameraman coughs- as if to remind him he's still there.

Well, that'll certainly get cut for sure.

"Her fever isn't nearly as high as it was though." Yoongi offers, sitting down on the floor after checking your head silently for your temperature. "She'll hopefully nap it off soon." He softly says, watching you nuzzle into Taehyung's chest.

"Hopefully." Jungkook grumbles, still mad at the whole situation. You don't deserve this. He hates knowing you don't feel well- and that he can't do anything about it.

But that's how it'll be sometimes.

And as long as he's there together with everyone else to hold you during times like these, it might just be okay.

[relastelvanni]

📖 2022

The week leading up to Christmas 2021, I was unwell. I was feeling very fatigued and burnt out as we all were. There wasn’t a lot of sun so I was likely Vitamin D deficient, right? Also I somehow lost 10 lbs between October and December without trying which didn’t match what I was eating - probably stress? Oh, but I feel really thirsty, and I can’t seem to quench it… that’s an odd symptom I can’t explain with burnout. It was that symptom that made me test my fasting blood sugars and sure enough, they were way over into diabetic levels.

🚨

On Hogmanay as I rushed to get my booster before the bells, I also went to the GP as an emergency for my blood test. The results came back and my GP wanted to talk urgently. On Jan 5th I was officially diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and put onto metformin straight away. This began a whirlwind of a year.

On the outside I seemed calm, on the inside I was a ball of emotion, but mostly shame. Shame that after years of warnings this could happen, I had to tell people what had happened. I felt guilt for making people around me worry for my health. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was okay and they didn’t have to worry about me. Maybe not a healthy attitude to take but from the moment I left that Doctor’s surgery and took a 2.5 mile walk home, I decided I was going for remission, end of.

I immediately went on a low carb diet of 130g of carbs a day and stuck to it religiously, I did not break 130g or tried not to. No cheat days, no snacking. Again, perhaps not the healthiest thing to do but I couldn’t bring myself to eat high carbs again. I started walking a lot more, walking three miles home from work in the winter. I went swimming, I got a bike through the cycle to work scheme. But most of all was the diet. It was tough and there were times I felt like crying. But my head told me “I put myself in this situation, you don’t deserve sympathy”. Urgh, silly head.

But despite that negative mindset, the physical side improved quickly. My sugars fell rapidly most importantly and as a by-product, I lost 15 lbs in the first month, followed by another 15 lbs in the second, starting at 255 lbs and ending March around 210.

Now those who know me will know I had no problem with my weight before - I was very happy as a chubby person because I went on a journey over the past few years of learning to love my body, throw off the shame I held against my body and show it off at the beach and the pool etc. So the weight loss for me was such a sudden shift in mindset too. I was back very quickly to a body I had before I learned to love my body… and societal pressure came back. That’s been a struggle this year is loving my new body without need for validation externally.

But in terms of the diabetes, by the end of March, I had my hbA1c checked again… and I was no longer diabetic! I had managed, with the tablets, to get the diabetes into remission. I can’t tell you how proud I am to have got to this point. All the hard work and hardship I put my mental state through was worth the result.

Over the next three months I relaxed the diet a wee bit and let myself eat a little more, but no where near the levels I was at before. My weight finally stabilised at around 180 lbs which is where I’m at now, meaning in total from max weight, I’ve lost 85 lbs in the last year. But more importantly, at the end of June, my HbA1c was still at a non diabetic level, this time without medication.

Since June, my weight has been stable, my sugars are still down, I’ve taken up badminton 2-3 times a week to keep me active physically (and mentally too). I feel fantastic physically and I’m so happy I’ve managed to turn around the diabetes. I still need to work on my mental state and work on some of those troublesome feelings I had at the start of the year as well as others. But aye, long post, but I’m still here, still going. Hopefully 2023 I’ll stay in remission. All the best to everyone 💛

[salty-dracon]

ELI5: The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse

TL:DR SVB made a somewhat risky investment which went poorly in changing market conditions, and didn’t have the money to pay back their depositors. The FDIC has decided to fund the remaining bank accounts, but shareholders will realize a total loss on their stock.

If you haven’t been following the news, the second biggest bank collapse in American history just happened. But you probably have no idea what that means, so I’m going to explain it all in simple terms, with no frills, no biases, and no opinions.

Please let me know if I get anything wrong here. While I do work in finance, I’ve heard conflicting sources on some of the events.

The Basics of How Banks Work

Left to their own devices, people ordinarily wouldn’t just give their wealth to someone else for safekeeping. But these days there are many incentives for the average person to lend their money to a bank. Yes, there’s the matter of security (robbers can steal physical tender, such as physical bills and valuables), but there is also interest. By lending your money to a bank (like a loan!), the bank then uses your balance to invest in the stock market or major projects such as other peoples’ mortgages, with the promise that all of the money you’ve placed with them will be returned to you when you ask... with a little bit extra as interest. That’s your incentive for placing your money with them.

The point is, you placed your money with a bank, and in exchange for you lending them your money, they’ve promised to give it back to you when you ask, with a little bit extra. That’s important to understanding the next topic.

Investments, Reserves, and Insolvency

Okay, but how do banks generate the “little bit extra” that they promised to give you in exchange for borrowing your money? Through investments!

Investments can be a lot of things. Mortgages are investments- a bank can lend someone a big chunk of money, and in exchange the bank receives cash monthly that ends up being worth more than they loaned out. They can be investments into the stock market- buying stocks at low price, watching the price rise, and selling them high is a way to net profit. There are other types of investments too, like bonds (mini loans), CDs (low risk, long-term investments that guarantee profits that bank customers can take out), and options (very complicated). What they have in common is that you lend your money, and hopefully get more back (though there’s some risk of loss).

As an example, let’s pretend you’ve put $20,000 in a bank account. The bank could then take $10,000 and put it into a risk-free investment that returns at 2%. One year later, the return is $10,200, at least $10,000 of which must return to you. The bank may take $100 of that as their own profit and return the remaining $10,100 to your account- the remaining $100 is your interest. (This is a theoretical example. My own bank account hasn’t generated nearly that much in interest.)

But let’s say the investment isn’t risk-free. They’ve taken $10,000 of your money, invested in that 2% return project, and it flopped. Ouch. Now they’re out $10,000- of your money! That doesn’t seem fair!

That’s why banks have reserves. It’s a buffer/stockpile of cash or liquid assets (things that can be converted to cash really quickly) that covers a depositor’s finances should the bank’s own investments go south, OR if people need to pull out their money. Banks usually have a dedicated team of analysts that calculate the amount of reserves a bank can safely set aside to cover these sorts of events. This covers souring investments as well as times when a big customer is planning to pull out a ton of savings. That $10,000 is a drop in the bucket for them, but something like $1 million is more concerning.

So, even if the investment goes south, at least you’ve still got that guaranteed $20,000 on demand in case of, say, a medical emergency.

... At least, that’s how it should work.

If a bank doesn’t have enough reserves/quick money to fulfill its obligations of money on demand to everyone who lent it to them, it becomes insolvent- basically bankrupt unless they do a lot of stuff to get money fast really quickly. This can involve pulling money out of investments (which costs money to do, and is not something any investor would want to do unless they need a lot of money really really fast). This is the worst case scenario for any financial institution and one they want to prevent at all costs.

Understandably, the insolvency of the bank you’re keeping your money at is a terrifying situation for people who really need that money. And it was a common situation up until the 1930′s.

Bank Runs

You probably know someone who lived through the Great Depression who has a large stockpile of cash and refuses to use credit cards or banks. Some people probably even call them stupid for doing so. I’m not going to call your money hoarding grandparents stupid, since they’re operating off a very real fear- the fear that a bank won’t have the legal tender to give them their money when they ask. That situation was VERY COMMON before the FDIC was created in 1933 to insure the deposits of its member banks.

What would happen is that you’d hear that some news about how a certain bank was having financial trouble, and might close very, very soon. You freak out and realize that if they close, you’ve given your money to them, and now you’re not going to get it back! You go to a branch of the bank to withdraw all of your money, only to find that everyone else had the same thoughts as you, and the branch is already out of physical tender. As more and more people realize they’re about to lose all of their savings, the bank is drained at an exponentially increasing rate- and soon, the bank has become insolvent.

Banks have defenses for this- suspending withdrawals, limiting withdrawals, and asking their central bank for more liquid funds. But in the case of a bank run, or a bank panic, which is a bunch of banks experiencing bank runs at once, those defenses might fail entirely.

The FDIC, an American Government Corporation, was created as an insurance company for banks. Basically, banks pay dues to the FDIC, and in the case of the bank’s insolvency, the FDIC guarantees deposits up to about $250,000. It was created partially as a way to avoid future bank runs and protect consumers in the case of a bank collapse.

Interest Rates and Inflation

You’ve probably heard about the Federal Reserve hiking interest rates or keeping them low throughout the recent pandemic, but what does that actually mean, and why is it relevant here?

The Federal Reserve sets target interest rates- basically, setting the price at which major banks can borrow from the government. This ends up forming the basis for other types of loans you can get from banks- mortgages, car loans, etc.. Periodically these are revised with regards to economic conditions.

Basically, raising interest rates is used to encourage people to STOP borrowing money and START lending money- the return for lending is higher, and the price of borrowing is higher. Lowering interest rates is used to encourage people to START borrowing money and STOP lending money- the return for lending is lower, and the price of borrowing is lower.

(This is why you always want a loan with a low interest rate, btw!)

(And keep in mind that these are with regards to major economic decisions, and not necessarily the types of loans an ordinary person would get.)

Now, why is inflation relevant? Yes, it’s really high right now, and that means that the prices of everything are increasing a lot! The Federal Reserve’s answer to that is to increase interest rates- by making it more costly to borrow money, they’re hoping to stop an unsustainable level of price increases in everything else.

I think I get it. Now what’s going on?

Silicon Valley Bank was a fast-growing bank that, in recent years, held a lot of funds for entrepreneurs and tech startups- about 50% of all venture capital money in the US! What this means is a. a lot of large accounts in b. mainly one sector of the economy (technology).

That being said, the bank would most certainly not outpace inflation if they didn’t invest it. However, at the time, they couldn’t find any places they could loan money to.

Furthermore, the tech/crypto/startup sector of the economy has been going through hard times for a while. Many needed to slowly pull out funds from the bank, further straining the amount of liquid cash on hand.

In 2021, SVB instead decided to invest in mortgage-backed securities with the deposits placed with them. Mortgages are basically very long loans, but they can also be very risky. Mortgage-backed securities are based on mortgages. (The risk surrounding mortgage-backed securities is one reason for the housing crisis of 2008.) It should also be noted that they’re very susceptible to changes in interest rates- if interest rates increase, mortgage-backed securities lose their value.

In 2022, we got severe inflation.

And then, the Federal Reserve’s answer to severe inflation: raising interest rates.

And the mortgage-backed securities that SVB took out became unprofitable!

Now remember how I said that banks need to be able to not only provide customers their deposits on demand, but also give it back with interest? Because the investment in mortgage-backed securities failed, SVB didn’t have money for interest OR deposits, and not enough in reserves to fill the gap. They would be insolvent, if they didn’t come up with a lot of money really, really fast. 

Word spread fast- depositors had already realized that the bank had become insolvent, and they demanded their deposits back. In other words, SVB went through a bank run, losing their money over the course of three days.

The FDIC then stepped in. Now this is a bit of an unusual case, because the FDIC only insures accounts up to $250,000. Most venture capital startups have accounts that are many times that. However, the FDIC has decided (with their own member deposits, not taxpayer money) that all of the venture capital money will be paid. All of the bankers will get their deposits back.

SVB is still closing, however, and shareholders and stockholders will not be compensated for the stock loss.

So while shareholders lose out, every creditor/depositor who invested will be getting their money back. As for Silicon Valley Bank, it’s being administered by the FDIC up until it’s time for it to close down.

[chxckens]

some life updates... this is a big chunky post, just for those who care abt what’s happening w me. i feel like a dvd player

i had a difficult conversation with my mother yesterday where i was able to explain how difficult working has been for me with my health conditions and how i’ve been struggling to keep things like stable income for rent and health insurance because of it. like, i’m on long-term disability leave from work right now but i’m not even sure that i’ll be able to return to working full-time in the same capacity because of my health. and it isn’t a matter of finding a better job or a more flexible job- no employer likes that i keep growing tumors and getting cancer. like, that’s not a particularly good trait for an employee. legally they can’t fire me for it but i feel terrible not being a reliable employee because of it, it makes me feel like shit (even though my self-worth shouldn’t be derived from how Good a worker i am. i know this.)

my mom was taken aback somehow by how deeply it has been affecting me (of course it has. i’m always stressed.) and she actually literally said, “i think that we- that i- have been holding you to impossible standards considering your circumstances.” and that meant a lot. she said, “no, you don’t have to be financially independent right now, fuck it. i have money, move back home for now and let’s just make life comfortable for you.” i can’t explain how surreal it was to hear all that from her because she’s always been the one pushing me to Be Normal (work full-time, live independently, etc.) but i think i got through to her yesterday about how impossible this all feels.

it’s just, like- at this point i have had three separate cancers and i am only 28 years old. i will likely have more cancers down the road because of my genetic disorder. the three cancers isn’t even counting the benign brain tumor i had last december, that was a fucking freebie. nothing about the life i’m living is normal and it was killing me trying to work forty hours a week and keep house and take care of myself on top of all the medical misery.

so like....

i’m not HAPPY about having to live with my mom again ‘cause we don’t cohabitate super well (i love my mother dearly! but i would say this to her face and she would agree- we are both hermits and like having our own space) but there’s a wing of her condo that she’s fixing up that has its own entrance/exit so i can have like. a mini apartment in her condo. hopefully we can figure out enough systems that’ll make it manageable

it is a fucking miserable bummer to have to constantly curb my mother’s plans. she bought some land out in michigan and has plans to build a house out there and she’s been so excited about it and talking about it constantly and i’ve seen the land too, it’s lovely. but now she says she might sell it so she can take care of me. and that’s fucking wretched it makes me want to cry again to think about. but she reassures me, says that the money is better spent closer to home right now. on me. i don’t want her to sell the plot, i told her i’d move out there with her but she thinks it’s too far away from any major medical center for me to live there. because i have my perpetual ball and chain wherever i move- i have to be near a hospital. a cancer center, preferably.

but i can’t complain because it’s huge that she’d be willing to help me survive without working like i have been. and she’ll help me pay for health insurance that isn’t employer-sponsored so i don’t, like, die... that’s huge for me... definitely don’t want to die....

it does make me nauseous, of course, in a survivor’s guilt type of way- i am hyperaware of the fact that the only reason i have this option is because i come from a family with money and that my mother is offering it. i am fully aware of the fact that i would have died several times over if not for the fact that my mother happens to be sitting on enough money to care for me when i’ve been sick and out of work. having grown up with that wealth, it wasn’t until i got cancer for the first time that i was truly radicalized, politically. the system is horrific and even with my immense privilege it is still impossible to navigate when you’re sick/disabled. none of you need me to tell you this, but it is on my mind a lot, especially when it feels like i’m getting handouts like this

so, y’know, there’s a lot of guilt/shame here. and i’m trying to remind myself that this isn’t “giving up” it’s “finding a way to live that doesn’t feel like torture.” i think this is the only decision i can make right now?

i’ll start packing up my stuff and get rid of a bunch of it so that i can fit in my mom’s space. that’s prolly the first step here. the rest, we’ll figure out, i guess? i still feel queasy and like crying about this to be honest. being on my period probably isn’t helping LMAO

[ditchadderband]

What am I doing here?

I have been putting off posting because I knew it was this that I wanted to post. I wanted to address the question, why did I make a band tumbler? Is that a thing? Honestly, I don't know, but this band, as small and doomed to obscurity as it is means a lot to me, and I’m going to explain why.

So, 5 years or so I lived in Germany. I was about to qualify to do my dream job for the rest of my life, which would have guaranteed that my new wife and I would have a house in our lifetime (a pretty wild dream for a millennial) and could start making those good solid long term plans.

Then my muscles started to twitch and I started to forget things. At first infrequently, but over time more and more. By the time I realised I had to abandon my dreams I couldn’t rely on my memory to get me through tasks I’d been doing for years and I all but never slept at night.

I left my career behind thinking it was stress and I had just burned out. It happens more than people admit and is talked about far less than it should be. I’m pretty certain it shouldn’t be possible for people to be traumatised out of any job if its expectations of them are reasonable, but either way. That was the assumption.

Then it just carried on. For 5 years I have been tired, in pain and had hypo-mobility. Eventually I was told it was migraines. This was hard to accept, as I am unbothered by loud noises or light and don’t have a particularly high rate of headaches, but I’m not a doctor.

What is important is that on some days, and I can never predict when, I am useless. Other days are anywhere between useless and fine. So I find myself unemployed, while my wife (who is a star) works all day.

I get lonely. I get bored. I am perpetually depressed. I was doing nothing with my time and hating myself for it.

Then I went back to visit friends in Germany. At some point we realised that our limitations and abilities overlapped enough for us to form a band.

From 2 different nations the 2 of us work slowly but dedicatedly on producing songs that will, hopefully, make a hand full of people go “Hey, that was alright.”

And it is, quite honestly, what gets me out of bed most days.

Ditch Adder and related things make me able to feel like I’m part of the world and for that I’m always grateful. I decided a while ago to keep a diary to assist with my failing memory and I have decided that the less mundane parts belong here. I don’t know if I will end up better or worse and what medication may be able to do for me, but I want this to be a record of the journey to that. You will always be welcome to come along with me.

Jensen

It would mean the world to me if you considered looking at-

Our first song “Sex Manticore” if you’re feeling musical. https://open.spotify.com/track/2Wbq5ln3IHomklnwFT9uKs?si=ff9c5502b39e447e

Our youtube – featuring a career retrospective set of interviews from us in 2065 (post massive fame)

[erotikkook]

I'm Back!

𝐀 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 Hi there, everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've been active (i.e. over 6 months), but I wanted to give you a long update on where I've been, what I've been doing, etc.! If you're not a big reader, I'd skip past this post - it'll be kinda lengthy. possible tw: mental health/physical health, potential cursing, mentions of sex in relation to tumblr content - ALL SECTIONS WILL HAVE TW ACCORDINGLY

NOTE: THERE IS ALSO AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT SOME UPCOMING FICS. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT HERE IN TERMS OF MY WRITING, JUST SCROLL TO THE CATEGORY LABELLED "FANFICTION"

𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 I've spent extensive time going from one job to the next. I'm making a very similar transition again, hopefully for the final job. It's an even better full-time job that would make me twice as much as I make now. I was offered a position which means I'm well on my way to renting an apartment and getting a better car!

𝘽𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙙𝙖𝙮 By the time you see this, it'll be my 20th birthday! So just a little happy birthday to me and all my other April babies.

𝙋𝙝𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙈𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝 (𝙏𝙒) TW for this section, mentions of physical + mental health and mentions of weight. Please skip this if you're uncomfortable. I've also spent a lot of time being physically and mentally ill. I'm now officially diagnosed with several things. This means I'm on medicine, which makes me very tired, unable to do a lot, and made me gain weight as a side-effect of the medication. I've always had issues with my self-esteem, weight, and relationship with food - thus, I spiralled for a while and, being as stubborn as I am, refused to get help when I was suffering mentally. I still need help, but I'm happier and feel healthier too! I've learned to accept myself as I am and to love how I look. There was a ton of internalized fatphobia that I hadn't realised existed, and I've since been working through that. I'm also very slowly becoming friends with food again. Wish me luck! You're all good for TW now! Read on!

𝙈𝙮 𝙃𝙖𝙞𝙧 I've been grappling with other parts of myself too. My hair is one of them. It's been very feminine my entire life, and thus I've grappled with the length of it. It's also, at the same time, been my only source of comfort - something I could control and do with as I pleased. I've since come to terms with myself in many ways, so I've chopped all my hair off! I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but it took a lot for me to do that and admit that my obsession with it was unnerving and unhealthy. Imagine a mini mullet. If you're a close friend, you've probably been bombarded with pictures of my hair, but I'll leave the rest up to the crowd's imagination!

𝗜𝗗𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗬

𝘼𝙣 𝘼𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 I'd like to very formally announce that I identify as genderfluid! For those who may support the LGBTQ community but don't quite know what the term means, I think WebMD sums it up pretty well for just a vague understanding: "Someone who is fluid -- also called gender fluid -- is a person whose gender identity (the gender they identify with most) is not fixed. It can change over time or from day to day." Usually, this will switch between he/him & they/them for me on a personal basis, so if we're ever having interactions and you're unsure, those are your best bet! 𝙈𝙮 𝙉𝙖𝙢𝙚 I'd also like to officially announce that my preferred name is Declan! This was decided after almost six months of thought. Ngl, there were a lot of sleepless nights, but here we are, and I'm very happy with who I've become! I don't intend to explain my decision. I've talked with my support system about my feelings enough for the life of me, but nevertheless, thank you for your support in advance!

𝗙𝗮𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙤𝙣 A few fics are coming your way. I'll announce them here but will probably make a separate post too! Here's what's set to come out (note, no dates are listed as of this moment, I'm bad with dates, and I no longer want to make promises I can't keep):

Desperate For You - Seokjin x Reader - based on Desperate by Jonas Blue & Nina Nesbitt

take it and run - Taehyung x Reader - based on Friends by Chase Atlantic

Fallin' Without Caution - Namjoon x Reader - based on People Watching by Conan Gray

checkmate - Yoongi x Reader - based on Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

I have about 31 requests (I counted, holy shit) to get through, so I'll also complete those. I know it's been over a year, but I appreciate the unending patience!

[drh3nryj3kyll]

Is npd normally perceived as something bad and not taken lightly? I’m wondering because what if I discover I do truly have it and I tell my friends and they grow apart from me because of it?

I also am wondering, what is the most difficult part of having npd?

I know I ask a lot of questions and I’m sorry but I’m tryna figure this out

There is a lot of stigma around NPD, in society and the medical field, people often use narcissist as an insult, and us pwNPD are still trying to take down the harmful term narcissistic abuse.

I'm sure if you explain well enough, your friends would understand! At least, hopefully.

A very difficult part, and a core part of NPD, is the self-esteem issues. Of course, some of us can hide it relatively well, or try to, especially the more iconic subtype which is grandiose narcissism, which should be pretty self-explanatory. Of course, each person with NPD is different, but my main struggles are my, albeit, irrational thoughts when it comes to what people think of me which led to some discourse in my relationships, et cetera. NPD is a pain to have, but at the same time I don't want to not have it.

Feel free to ask as much as you want!

[ihearticie]

Tuesday January 16 2024

Icie had an apt to have her yearly ekg/echo at 1:15pm.

Violet came along with us which was a lovely distraction. ❤️Wormy did well for her ekg. She was sitting up playing with the nurses hat. The hat had flaps that hung down that could be squeezed so ears on the hat would flapped. It was very cute and kept wormy happy during the short test.

After that we switched rooms and waited for the echo. A cardiologist we have never met from the practice we used walked in to talk before the echo. She was very nice and went over Icie’s history with me before the echo took place. She drew a heart diagram on a paper towel for me to help visualize what she was going to explain. On a side note, I need to go through Icie’s medical history box to put all the heart drawings I’ve received - if I even kept them.🤔

She talked about the regurgitation from Icie’s pulmonary artery not having a valve. She said if 10 red blood cells (rbc) try to leave the heart 5 rbcs drop back down into the heart. Then the next pump, 15rbcs try to leave and then 5 drop back down again. It stressed the right side of the heart and that is what causes the right side to bulge. I never knew that till she explained it. She also talked about how in her cases she usually sees children having surgery to place valves in their teens, and not college age. She did say every cardiologist sees diff things and wormy could always surprise us and it can be held off till she is older but to think more in terms of teens for surgery again. She talked about how they decide to move forward with surgery and how there is a sweet spot as when to start stress tests and mris. We want the heart squeeze to be strong and not let the heart bulge to much before deciding to start moving towards surgery. If we wait to long and the heart gets to big in the one side it causes the heart to relearn how to squeeze strong again which is something we want to avoid.

She also told me that there was a change to Icie’s ekg from the last test. It’s showing that her heart is taking longer to relax than it use to. She said it could be because Icie was moving around during the test so she wants to do a repeat in 6 months. If the echo showed things being stable that would not need to be repeated. After we talked it was time for the echo. The echo went very fast and the lady was nice as always. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for finding this group. I love all the cardiologists I have met and their team is equally as amazingly

After the echo we met with the cardiologist one more time to go over the results. She said the echo looked stable. The patch is holding and there are no leaks and her heart is pumping. strong. She said she was going to note that there is now mild stenosis in the pulmonary artery that is volume based. She said that there have been so many advances in procedures even since wormy had surgery that by the time wormy will need surgery again hopefully it can just be a cath procedure. We talked about how Icie has BAV also and she said it truly is rare to have heart disease in the left and right heart but not to worry about it since her valves look good. She said intervention may not need to happen for that valve till worm is in her 50-60s. That was pretty much it. I left the apt with more understanding of wormys special heart and one more drawling of a heart to add to the books. ❤️

[anicyz]

Sensory regulation headcannons- Linked Universe Edition

Wild- He craves proprioceptive input. Deep pressure squeezes on his arms and shoulders, crashing into stuff, landing from high places, when Wolfie flops on top of him and weighs him down into his bones. Wild looks for physical forces to remind him he’s in his body. Let’s not talk about how close he stands to bombs solely for the shockwave. Wild also uses tactile senses as regulation, worrying ends of clothes, fingers gliding over different textured rocks he’s filled his pockets with, touch drifting over his scars, cataloguing bumps and ridges.

Hyrule- Also very proprioceptively inclined, he likes the feeling of pressure in his joints when he runs and skips, long bear hugs, firm touches. Deep pressure given through touch from others is his favorite, this poor guy is so touch starved. He likes visual sights as regulation to, watching clouds change, his own fingers dance in front of his face, bugs and fairies flying around.

Legend- His regulator is sound. Heart beats, tongue clicks, finger taps against his scabbard, clinks and clanks made by his copious amount of gear. When he’s at home he listens for the sound of Ravio tinkering around the house, he’ll sit in the same room or the one adjacent to hear him better.

Wind- Vestibular regulation all. day. long. The rocking and rolling of ships is calming as is twirling himself up tight in a sail and letting gravity roll him to the ground. Spinning in circles and hanging upside down are common replacements when he’s on land. Wind is also quite taken by sound; he loves whistling, rhythmic chants and shanties, creaking wood, tapping, humming. All are very helpful to keep him focused and on task.

Twilight- Much like Wild he’s prop and tactile regulation. Loves rough play, wrestling, hugs and cuddles are also great. Fingers running through his hair, deep pressure pats to his back, and running a brush up his arms and legs are good for when he gets overwhelmed.

Sky- Vestibular! Barrel rolls on his loft wing are his favorite thing as is anything involving being upside down. He also regulates well with sound but in the opposite direction of the others. It needs to be quiet. If it’s quiet he can do most things, to loud and he’s over stimulated and will shut down. That happened a lot in knight school until, Zelda made him earmuffs one winter and he hadn’t taken them off until they got destroyed on his quest.

Four- He runs the gambit of all senses depending on which color he’s feeling most like at the moment. Sometimes he wants lots of touch, other times he’ll want complete darkness. Sometimes he can’t stand to be alone and others if someone gets near him he’ll snap.

Warriors- Visual regulation, he counts his men usually. When he’s with the chain he counts them instead which often turns into an eye spy game in Hyrule and Wild’s case. It means he’s commonly the first to tell when someone is missing. He also loves watching fires and rivers because of the constant movement.

Time- Vestibular regulation, he did a lot of climbing and balancing during his childhood and the need to continue doing that has only grown. If he sees an uneven surface he will walk on it, on his hands preferably. The first time he gave in and did it on a log in front of the chain they were so shocked they didn’t ask about it for a solid week. After that it was a never ending stream of questions. He also take a lot of reassurance from tactile regulators. He runs his fingers over the grains of his mask collection and pats shoulders to feel the fabrics each person is wearing- this is especially useful with the chain as coming from different eras means the weave of their clothes is all slightly different.

[championofnyx]

Misperception of Issues and Lack of Treatment Part 3: The Exceptions That Make the Rule

In season three, episode 21, we see Gar and Vic talking about Vic’s new found controle over his post-metron cleanse technological implants and mentioned that he and Megan have been talking about the stages of grieve, personally about the life he once thought he would live and the body he had lost, and were he was in this journey, implying ongoing conversation throughout this process. In season four we see him fully accepting his new situation, a new member of the justice league, and having matured enough to actively help his friends in their own journeys to self acceptance, both as a supporter and as an advice giver. 

While Vic’s treatment was delicately integrated through dialogue, we got to see more of Gar’s throughout season four. Coming to terms with the death of several loved ones, including his mother, the doom patrol, Wally, and Conner assisted through therapy, medication, a support animal, and his friends capping off a season long downward spirit further into a depressive episode. Vic and Gar received a level of support that was either nonexistent or short lived in the cases of Mary and Brion, so why were their needs properly addressed? 

On average ~50% of patients that suffer from various mental illnesses feel involved in their treatment decisions, including a diagnosis. ~55% feel they were given time to express their needs and ask about treatment, and ~20% believe that they didn’t receive the treatment needed. These statistics are pulled from sample ages of 5-32, the age group of both characters, Kalder being the older at 26 and the youngest being Cass or Tara (I think) at 16 with its current audience being pulled from around this age group, accounting for five years older and younger. 

Positive reputation of addressing and managing mental illness: therapy, actively engaging with your road to healing, medication when needed are all shown, both in the case of Gar and Vic, but it would be accurate to portray mental health struggles as something that is always addressed, diagnosed, and treated properly. It’s important to show that there are gaps within our real world health system reflected in the media, and even more for us, the audience, to understand that the actions of these characters made in moments of vulnerability and instability can be explained, if not always excused. 

This being said, why were Vic and Gar’s struggles noticed by others? There wasn’t a change in behavior that implied self-healing. With Mary, she stopped forming into Sergeant Marvel, Brion tempered his anger, allowing those around them to believe that the issue had been properly addressed and didn’t require further involvement. Vic wasn’t adjusting, he continued self-isolation even after a change in environment (moving to the hub) and Gar’s downward spiral never gave a momentary glimpse that it was taking an upward trajectory. In simpler terms, they were constantly fighting their problems, which made them easier to recognize, much as it is in the real world. Going through phases of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ mental health can be viewed as dramatized or not something deserving of proper treatment because it’s not ‘as bad as others have it’ while those who show consistent, and after downward trending, mental states are viewed as ‘deserving’ of treatment. Of course, this is not every case, but there is a strong correlation between the display of symptoms and treatment. 

Young Justice is attempting to accurately describe mental illness in hopes that members of its audience who have experienced similar struggles are able to relate, as well as hopefully give others the courage to seek help if it’s not being provided to them. But it would be inaccurate to display everyone’s journey to recovery as a linear progress that was helped and supported by everyone around them. So instead of showing one happy ending narrative of mental illness that is only achievable in preferable circumstances, the writers have instead decided to provide several. 

All this to be said, the fallen heroes previously mentioned fell not because of some inherent moral corruption, but rather as a result of manipulation that could have only occurred due to a lack of treatment and support. If you feel a connection or sympathy to them, you are not an inherently bad human because neither of them are inherently bad humans. Their stories were written to be compelling to audiences, as all characters should be, so don’t feel wrong for being compelled. 

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

(Urgent) Hello! I really need help, I already searched on the internet but didnt find a satisfying answer so I really hope you'll be able to help. Soo I have to take swimming classes, I've been doing it and it's okay, the problem is that I'm on my period and absolutely can't wear tampons (or things similar) and I obviously don't have and won't get special swimwear. I don't want to tell my parents because I doubt they will understand.

Is there something I can do?

Lee says:

This is a good question! It’s probably relevant to a lot of transmasculine folks with the summer coming up and people being able to return to the pools and beaches since many of us are fully vaccinated now.

Unfortunately, I could come up with only six different (non-ideal) options to solve the problem:

1) Don't go swimming when you have your period

This might be a good option for a casual swimmer, but it isn't ideal if you're in swim classes and can't reschedule a class, or on a swim team and can't miss a practice or meet.

You could always quit and find a new form of exercise / a new job / a new sports team, but obviously that’s sort of a last resort if you can’t find any solution at all.

2) Wear a tampon

Tampons can be worn safely while swimming and prevent the blood from staining your suit when you get out of the pool.

To help prevent toxic shock syndrome, which is rare but dangerous, use the lowest absorbency tampon you can and change your tampon every 4-8 hours or as often as needed. Don’t leave your tampon in for more than 8 hours.

You said that you “absolutely can't wear tampons,” but didn’t clarify why you can’t do it. If the reason is unrelated to dysphoria then you may have a medical condition, or it may be that your hymen is covering the opening to your vagina. A doctor or nurse (either your primary care provider or someone at a nearby Planned Parenthood or similar) can help you figure out why it’s causing pain and figure out what to do about it if you do suspect it’s medical-related and not psychological.

Many trans people like wearing tampons for their convenience and because tampons don’t cause the bloody-diaper feeling that pads can cause; there are a number of anons who have told us that using tampons make them feel less dysphoric than wearing pads.

Putting in a tampon usually doesn’t hurt, but it may take some practice in the beginning. 

3) Wear a menstrual cup

Menstrual cups are safe to wear when you’re swimming, and function similarly to tampons.

Menstrual cups are great for people who are stealth but still get a period.

They’re small and easy to hide in your bedroom/dorm room/summer camp cabin, they’re reusable so you don’t have to buy more than one, and you can often use one cup for up to 10 years so you don’t have to buy them often.

Menstrual cups are discreet because you can wear a menstrual cup for 8-12 hours at a time, or until it’s full; this is because they hold 1 ounce of liquid, roughly twice the amount of a super-absorbent tampon or pad.

Having to emptying it only 2-3 times a day means you don’t have to carry extras with you that someone might notice in your bag, you never have to change your cup in the bathroom at school or at work, and you don’t have to worry about changing it in the locker room before you go swimming. 

Menstrual blood can start to smell when it’s exposed to air, but your cup forms an airtight seal so there’s less odor to bother you, and nothing for other people to notice either.

Cups may look kind of big, but most people can’t feel them once they’re in.

Putting in a cup shouldn’t hurt, but it may take some practice in the beginning. 

4) Wear a menstrual disc

Menstrual discs are similar to menstrual cups and can be worn swimming as well.

They aren’t reusable and are placed in a different way, but many of the pros are the same as those for cups.

5) Buy swimwear that helps catch or hide the blood

There are swimsuits which are dark colored and have absorbent layers built in to catch blood when you’re out of the pool (Example) but that isn’t very useful if you’re actually in the pool, or if you’re required to wear a certain type of swimsuit as a lifeguard, swimming instructor, or member of a swimming team. So this isn’t an ideal option, and you said that you don't have and won't get special swimwear.

6) Stop your menstrual cycle so you don't get your period while swimming (or at all, in general!)

This post lists a few non-dysphoria-related excuses you can use when asking your parents to stop your period, but saying that it interferes with your swimming lessons should be reason enough.

Everything you need to know about stopping your period with birth control

Everything you need to know about birth control

What You Need to Know About Birth Control and Breast Cancer

What’s up with birth control pills and vaping?

Will the chemicals in birth control mess me up?

What are birth control side effects?

Can I get birth control at Planned Parenthood without my parents’ permission?

Birth Control Your Own Adventure

Does depo-provera cause depression?

Are Low-Dose Birth Control Pills Right for You?

-

Given the information in your ask, you can’t skip lessons so option #1 is out, you can’t use tampons so option #2 is out, you won’t get special swimwear so option #5 is out, and you can’t tell your parents that you want to stop your period so option #6 is out. 

That leaves options #3 and #4, menstrual cups and discs. I would recommend doing some research on each option to see what fits your needs the best. 

However, if you feel unable to discuss menstruation with your parents, I would recommend a cup because they’re reusable you only need to buy one and that’s a good thing because it saves you money in the long term and you don’t need to repeatedly have to buy something that you’re embarrassed to talk about and hiding from them.

Here’s an article reviewing different menstrual cups here and I’d suggest looking at that. 

That article has links to buy the cups online, and this post explains how to buy something online without a credit card and without your parents finding out.

You can also buy menstrual cups in-person at a pharmacy, if there’s one close enough for you to walk or bike to, or if you can get a friend to bring you.

Hopefully that’s a good start for things to consider, but I know that it probably isn’t the satisfying answer that you were hoping for since you won’t like any of the options. 

However, I will note that I had a hysterectomy in 2018 so it’s been a lil while since I’ve had to deal with swimming while menstruating myself, so if the followers have any ideas that I’ve forgotten please feel free to add on!

(And yeah, a hysterectomy will definitely solve this issue for you but I’m assuming that’s a no-go in your situation which is why I didn’t include it in the list)

Anyhow, followers, any advice for anon?

[juuls]

So the good news is I’m not dying (well, let’s give it another 50 or so years then check back on that 😋)

I told a couple people but mostly kept it between my dad and I; at least, I told him stuff before my besties because I’m a daddy’s girl and I wanted comfort and hugs and someone physical to cry on.

And okay, look, what I’ve been experiencing is nowhere near as bad as others have it, but this was the worst case of nauseating gastrointestinal distress I have ever experienced to the point I woke up at 3am this morning, threw up for the 10th day in a row, clutching at my upper abdomen and barely able to walk (no one else was around to help me get there). Anyway, no one wants cramps where they’re not supposed to be on women—felt like when I ruptured an ovarian cyst a few years ago along with kidney stones another time, just felt higher up the abdomen.

Two points about the personnel at hospitals and how people with fibromyalgia get treated. One bad, and one surprisingly good.

The triage nurse told me I shouldn’t be wasting hospital time (there was no else in the waiting room because it was goddamn 5am) and that all ‘normal visits’ should be conducted through general practitioners/family doctors. Never mind the fact that the 2018 census showed 241 doctors for every 100,000 people. Which is abysmal, and I’m so lucky to have the same one for 20 years now. Anyway I told her in a snippy tone (I get bitchy when people imply I’m a hypochondriac or wasting people’s valuable space and resources as a disabled person) that a) it currently takes 6 weeks to get an appt with my doctor and that’s why I book two months in advance, but am shit out of luck if something pops up between all that. Like, I get a d understand and take precautions with Covid. But like??? Sometimes people need to have their abdomen poked and prodded which…

Might actually save my life/or from a long recovery surgery, or a lifetime of having to plan his and grandma’s days around his (I’m now learning: hereditary— thanks grampy) disease. But yeah this female doctor in probably her late thirties comes in and actually TAKES ME SERIOUSLY. I did also start the meet and greet by expressing concern over her doing what countless others have done…. Blame it all on the Fibromyalgia (oh you have a concussion Tommy?? Keep playing, it’s just your fibro!” Bitch please. Anyway. She said she absolutely understood and would help me figure out what feelings were fibro, and which were abnormal for anyone. Reminds me of this tweet I found around this hellsite:

But I’m so grateful she listed and she actually ordered all the blood panels they have available at this rural hospital, took x-rays, did a physical exam… and after all that and the tests she semi-smiled at me and said “well it’s not fibromyalgia” and I about cackled.

But yeah, if you start throwing up for no reason for 10 days in a row (plus some other gross things I shall not mention), please go to the hospital. Apparently I have something fucked up going on in my large/small intestine and perhaps colon. She was worried enough about me, since they don’t have the tech there except x-rays, that she said she’d bully my do tor into seeing me sooner so he can arrange some, uh…. Well; some not bad; some uuuugh…. tests to figure out wtf is going on.

I didn’t even know what was going on! So hard to explain pain when you’re in pain every day. Bah. But she helped and had excellent bedside manners and took me seriously. One of the best feelings as a fibro patient.

Only problem with it not being fibro… is you only have deductive reasoning and tons of tests to do. She told me if I don’t vet these tests done, I could die from a rupture or whatever term she used. Though I do know what sepsis is! Yay! *rolls eyes*

I’m just glad I didn’t talk myself out of going to the ER, because I was worried it ‘wasn’t serious’ enough…. Yeah well, your body can lie to you! Jerk body.

So yeah now I have a plan of action, new medications to hopefully last me until the more thorough tests are conducted.

I don’t want to be (more) sick, but I’ve always believed in knowing what can happen to your body even if it’s a bad thing. And maybe we caught this early.

All I can ask for now is this, though: please please please no more upchucking every day, or at leat only for a few days.

God, it’s been a miserable 10 days, but I still somehow feel better. Knowing does that. :)

(P.S. I’m not intending this as a ‘woe is me’ thing because sometimes people do care about how their friends are doing, and also because I am a hug supporter of listening to your body and judging WHEN not IF you go to the doctor about it. I hope this post helps that attitude somewhat.)

Anywho, we’ll see how the tests do (whenever that may be, because of Covid) and treagmt with meds a d adjust food until I learn more.

Take care. Be safe. Stay well!!!! ❤️

[whitexwingedxdoves]

Scream

Part Two: Pain Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Platonic Peter Parker x Reader Pronouns: She/Her Warning: Swearing, Summary: You wake up in the Avengers compound where Bruce and Tony are willing to help you figure out what was happening to your body. A/N: I’m really enjoying writing these. Scream is probably my favourite out of all the Symbiotes as well. ENJOY Master list of Chapters 

Your eyes slowly opened, still slightly dazed. You noticed a man stood beside you, his hair long and black, matching the black clothing he wore, you caught a slight glimpse of his arm or the metal that replaced it. The bright lights hurt your eyes and in attempt to stop the pain you raised your right arm over your eyes.  This caught the attention of the man stood beside your bed. “Bruce, she’s awake.” He announced, moving out the way so that Banner could get to you. “Where the hell am I?” you croaked, your throat was dry and scratchy. The smaller man, you assumed was Bruce leaned over you, blocking the light a little better, making it easier for your eyes to adjust. “Avengers compound...” he announced, his voice slightly bubbly... excited almost. You attempted to sit up in the bed that’s when you noticed all the wires attached to you. It was like waking up from a bad dream into another. You shifted around the bed, clearly uncomfortable. “Why?” you spat at the man, his expressions changing from excitement now to an uneasy smile. “One of the guy’s brought you back. Said you had been in an plane crash...” he paused for a moment and looked back the taller man, unsure of his next sentence. “He said you... shapeshifted for a lack of a better term” It was then when the dread finally set in. Everything you had experienced, it wasn’t a bad dream. It happened. You didn’t noticed the man with the metal arm leave the room, how could you, all you could focus on was what happened, what you had seen... what was living inside you. Oh don’t look so down, I thought we were having fun.  You looked up at Bruce, hoping he heard the voice too but he didn’t react. You just nodded at him as he explained how he was doing a few tests just to figure out what had happened to you. That’s when he hit you with the question. “Do you know what that was?” he asked, though he felt stupid as he watched your face grow more confused and scared, shaking your head. Your eyes felt watery again as you allowed the truth to settle in.

-

It had been a few hours since you woke up, you co-operated with Bruce with the tests despite some hurting a little too much. Finally he found something he could use, you heard him call out Friday as he instructed the A.I to tell members of the avengers to gather in a meeting room. He guided you down the hall until you reached a rather large room, with a large desk occupying the middle of the room, he instructed you to sit down and you did. You watched as the room slowly filled with people you had only seen on the news, The Avengers. You kept quite, hugging yourself slightly as you sat back in your chair, the last person to enter the room was the boy you saw before you passed out. He looked directly at you, almost scared yet relieved to see you awake. Bruce waited until everyone had taken a seat, that’s when he introduced you to the rest of them. You looked around the table and received a few smiles, a few blank faces and you returned each and every one. Bruce then went on to explain how you had got there, explaining the change Peter saw and the tests he ran on you. “That’s when I found this, in her blood stream.” He announced, now showing an image of the orange and yellow slime that was once in your handbag, swimming amongst your blood, you winced at the image as did most in the room. “What the hell is that?” the girl introduced to you as Natasha spoke out, her face clearly creeped out by what was seeping through your veins. “Well, it’s not from earth, that’s for sure.” He answered back, he himself looking up at the image trying to string his words together. “You mean, I have an Alien in my body” you finally spoke, your face probably the most disgusted of all. Oh, harsh! I prefer the term Klyntar. The voice drowned out the other voices in the room, you ran your fingers through your hair and whispered Klyntar to yourself, though it was loud enough for Bruce to pick up. “Klyntar?” Your eyes shot back up at Bruce and held back a breath as you looked around the table. “Yeah, that’s erm... the race I think” you spoke softly, hoping no one would ask how you knew but of course, they did... well Bruce did. “She speaks to me.” You shamefully admitted, you noticed how quiet the room had become. “Well did she tell you anything else” breaking the silence, Tony pushed himself up from his chair and cocked an eyebrow at you. You just shook you head biting down on the corner of your mouth. Don’t lie to them, tell them our name. You know exactly how you got me. You don’t think its a coincidence you’re blessed with me the day you meet Carlton Drake. You could hear the laughter in her voice as she mocked you. You couldn’t help the anger inside of you bubble up to the surface. Your face showing clear discomfort and turning a light shade of red. You looked back up at Tony who only shot you a look as if he knew you were holding onto something. “She call’s herself Scream. That I got her through Carlton Drake.” “Carlton Drake as in Life Foundation, I want to mess with DNA, Carlton Drake” You watched as tony walked around the table until he reached Bruce, his words filled with sass. Your only response was to nod as you couldn’t help but feel rage but it wasn’t yours... it was hers.

He used you, used you to get to the avengers. Her voice became more distressing the more she spoke. He’s using us to kill the Avengers and that’s exactly what we’re going to do and when we’re finished with them, we will kill him. You tried to scream out before she took over your body completely, showing her full form to the rest of the room. Without hesitation, they all stood up from their chairs, almost as if they were ready for a fight. “Well, if it isn’t the Avengers” Scream laughed, climbing up onto the table, her eyes scanning the room taking everyone’s expression which only made the situation more fun for her. She swung her head only ever so slightly before her long hair grew longer and wrapped around Peter, squeezing him tight. She looked at the boy as if he was pathetic. “You and me, we’re the same” she teased letting him go before she engaged in a fight with the rest of the team. Peter was frozen in his spot as she shot a web from her wrists, tangling up Sam making it hard for him to breath properly let alone move. Steve attempted to block her fist coming down on him, only just managing to hold it at bay, completely taken back by the strength she held. It wasn’t until Bucky grabbed her by her neck and squeezed tightly that Steve was able to let go of her fist and grab her arms and keep her in a lock. The rest helped him while Tony managed to put restraints around her wrists.

It seemed easy enough to take her down, especially with all them being there. She allowed an annoyed scream accompany her disappointment before allowing your true self to show again, you were sweaty and panting for air. You looked up at their expressions as they saw your face again, Natasha only felt pitty for you and turned to Bruce. “Lets get that thing out of her” and just like that you were taken back to the medical room.

-

You downed what felt like a million glasses of water, you could tell she felt weak, like it took everything in her to take over you. She wasn’t properly bonded to you yet but she wasn’t far off. You felt at ease knowing she wouldn’t make such a big appearance again for a while, hopefully long enough for Bruce and Tony to extract her from your blood. The process was scary but no where near as scary as turning back into a monster again. Bruce admitted he wasn’t sure it was going to work, never having to deal with such a being before, he was going on a limb but a limb was more than nothing and you agreed to the process. Tony warned you that you’d be uncomfortable and possibly in pain while they tried to separate Scream from you but you didn’t care. You just wanted it to be over. With you consent then men went to work. It only took 30 minutes for the procedure to come to an end both men happy with the work they carried out and unusually confident they had finished the job. “You’re gonna have to take it easy for a couple of days.” Bruce said, placing his hand on your shoulder as he watched you catch your breath, his face only showed worry for your well being. Tony had left for a moment but he soon returned to the room with Bucky, the one with the metal arm who was at your bed side before. “This is Bucky or James, who cares. He’ll be keeping an eye on you while you stay with us” Tony said, his words bothersome, he seemed a little uneasy being around Bucky but it didn’t seem like any of your business. “Stay with you?” you questioned, your eyes following Tony as he moved his way towards a counter. “Yeah, we need to keep an eye on you. In case it didn’t work. Only for a couple of days.” His attitude held that of a stubborn child who was use to getting his way and yet again he did. “His room is next to yours, if you need anything or if anything feels off” he finished before turning his back on you, looking down at the counter. You didn’t want to see what was inside of you but you assumed that’s what he was looking at so, you slowly pushed yourself off the bed and thanked them before being escorted to the room mentioned.

-

Bucky took you to your room and showed you inside, he seemed distant from everything but so did you. You nodded as he explained where to find dry towels and toiletries. Then the sweetest words came out of his mouth. “I have a bottle of whiskey in my room, you look like you could use a glass” alcohol is exactly what you needed after the day you just had and despite how tired your body felt, you refused to fall asleep without at least one drink. You smiled at Bucky nodding your head, a small laugh escaped his lips as he nodded right back at you. “I’ll go get it” You watched as he pushed past you, carelessly. You thought about the way his face creased when he smiled. Up until this point you were convinced he was practically mute. He seemed reserved with the way he held himself and interacted with others. Though you were curious, tonight wasn’t the night you’d pry.

He soon came back with the bottle and two glasses, he handed one to you and poured a shot into your glass before pouring one for himself. You allowed the liquid to slowly fall down your throat, the  burning sensation was welcomed as you inhaled and closed your eyes. Bucky watched in amusement before tossing back his glass and emptying the liquid into his mouth. His lips pressed into a thin line as he watched you take a seat on the corner of your mattress. You noticed the look on his face and responded to it with a puzzled one. “How you feeling?” he finally spoke, propping himself up against a dresser sitting opposite the bed. “Shit!” he laughed at your honesty, hanging his head a little low, his eyes peering at you under his brow bone. “It feels like she’s still there. I can still feel the pain she held, the anger.” You added, playing with the glass chewing on the corner of you mouth. You felt the weight of your bed shift as Bucky sat down next to you. You looked up at him, holding back tears... trying your best not to sympathise with the Symbiote that once occupied your body but you couldn’t help it. Bucky did nothing but look at you, waiting for you to say something else. “She seemed just as confused as I was, when she fought with you all back there... like she didn’t understand what she was herself.” Shaking your head, you laughed at the thought of even caring about what she was going through. Your eyes met Bucky’s again, you looked deeply into them, admiring the pattern his iris followed how the blue almost imitated the ocean. You turned your head quickly as you felt your cheeks flush a little. How embarrassing. “I’m just glad she didn’t hurt anyone.” You spoke softly, avoiding the fluttering feeling in your chest. You glanced back at Bucky, his expressions changed to remorse and guilt. You didn’t say anything further, you felt like you said it all. You nudged him slightly passing him back the now empty glass. “Thanks for the drink, I should probably try get some actual rest now.” You took a sharp breath as you picked yourself up off your bed, Bucky followed you up and nodded in your direction. “If you need anything, I’m just next door” his tone was plain but he tried to show sincerity on his features. As you showed him out you replied with a simple thank you before closing the door behind him. Once you were alone you took a deep sharp breath suddenly overcome with anxiety about your situation.

You tried to brush it off climbed into the bed and under the sheets, attempting to get lost in the feeling of the silk on your skin and just when you thought you were drifting off. You cant get rid of me that easy.

[cerberusdailynews]

[PEOPLE] Interview with an Ardat-Yakshi

By Cil M’riste, freelance storyteller xposted to Freelance News, Cerberus Daily News, The Watch, and 14 others The Ardat-Yakshi condition is one of our oldest myths. One that is largely presumed to be legend by a large portion of the galaxy’s population. The term “ardat-yakshi” appears in fantasy books, in extranet games, and even in extranet RP forums. But what is the condition, and what is the myth? Most people will never even meet those with the underpinning medical issue. But I happened to get a chance to sit down with someone with the condition, to get her thoughts on a few issues facing people like herself. I myself am not a doctor, nor any legal scholar. So any information provided by this interview can only be taken as a small view into a larger issue. They are the opinions and lived experiences of but one person living with the condition. The rest of the article will be presented in a Q/A format, with a set of final thoughts from myself. Cil (C): "Hi, Nara. It's nice to meet you! Thanks for doing this. How was the trip here?" Nara (N): "Um... nice to meet you too, Cil, my job is to pilot a freighter between here and Palaven, so I make this trip a lot. This time it was a little slower than usual. You'd think traffic jams wouldn't be a thing in three-dimensional space, but with the amount of starship traffic around the Citadel, that's not always true. But I assume you're not here to interview me about my trip. You're here to interview me because I'm an Ardat-Yakshi. Well... Ask away." C:"Oh, no. While that’s true, that it's not what we came here for, I'm not aiming to rush you. But if you'd like to get into it, certainly. Let's see…" N: "Yeah, I'd like to get the tough questions out of the way sooner, I've been stressed out about this interview for like the whole day, and once we get those out of the way it'll be a huge load off my back." C: “Well, for starters. All most of us know about Ar- about those with your condition is that they are... well, extremely controlled, to put it mildly. Most of that knowledge comes from vids and games and all manner of fictional sources, so I don't even know if that's actually part of their thing, but for the sake of asking... Have you ever had an encounter with a Justicar?" N: "I can neither confirm nor deny that, unfortunately. Damn it. Uhhhhh... some of it, but not all of it, will probably be declassified in like fifty years or something. If we're both still around then, I can answer that question. But I think this is the only question that would run into that problem, so feel free to ask anything else you want." C:"So if there's something to declassify that insinuates, at least in my view, at least a tip to the scales in the 'yes' direction. But we'll move on, for sure. Hopefully this one is a little more easily answered. Now, as I understand it, for obvious reasons you've spent your life outside of the Asari Republics entirely. What has life been like for you living away from the traditional asari space?" N: "That... is quite a broad question, you could get a whole interview out of that, if you wanted. But if you want a short answer... On Palaven, especially in the city I grew up in, there weren't very many asari. I spent my whole childhood trying to fit in with my turian neighbors, and I didn't really have other asari to interact with other than my parents. When I became an adult, I enlisted to join the Turian military, where I stayed for most of my life so far, then retired to the reserves several years ago. I ended up having to become a cabalist since I was a biotic, like almost all asari are. There was only one other asari in my cabal though, and we didn't really get along much. First deployment was to Irune, which was pretty peaceful. Also met my wife there, so it made up for having to wear an exosuit all the time. Second deployment was to Solregit, which was... not peaceful. There was a rebellion on the planet's northern hemisphere that wanted to secede from the Hierarchy, which I'm sure you've heard about before. And, of course, I helped defend Palaven during the Reaper War. If there's anything you'd like me to go into more detail about, ask away." C:"Wife? Can you explain how that happened? Were they aware of...everything?" [Nara showed me some pictures here] N:"We met through an online dating service, actually. I stated up-front in my profile that my condition made it impossible for me to meld with anyone, or... be intimate in a way that could risk me accidentally melding with them. But Jin wasn't really interested in either of those things, so we were both happy together in spite of that. I think I have some wedding photos in my omnitool I can show you. That's her. That's Jin. And that's me next to her, but it's hard to tell it's me because the suit obscures my face." C:"Awwww. Those are lovely pictures. Many of us in our maiden stage don't settle down so easily. Do you think living in a mostly turian area growing up influenced your desire to commit to someone that early? And if you don't mind another question to move us along... You seem relatively outspoken about your condition. Is there a reason you feel the need to take what most people would likely consider the risky position of putting yourself and your condition out there without secrecy?" N: "To answer your first question, I would say yes, absolutely. Most of my turian peers, those who did settle down, at least, tended to do so in their thirties. I was thirty-eight years old when I married Jin, which is a little above average for a turian but I found out later that it was like, crazy low for an asari. Your second question is kind of complicated because I have multiple reasons. Firstly, and most importantly, is that somebody needs to speak out. If any of the Ardat-Yakshi in the Republics tried to do an interview like this, they'd be killed or locked up by Justicars or by the government or an angry mob of other asari. I'm still worried sometimes that they'll try and do that to me anyway, even though I've never been to asari space, and if it's a justicar I don't stand any chance of winning a one-on-one fight with one. I have a responsibility to speak up for those who can't speak for themselves, while I still can. Secondly, I'm from the Hierarchy and Turian culture places a very very strong value on honesty. Directly lying about my condition would go against everything I stand for. Thirdly, if what I say informs people about Ardat-Yakshi, it lessens the risk of other Ardat-Yakshi accidentally or, though I'm sad to say it, intentionally injuring or killing innocent people. If even one life is saved, even if I get killed, speaking up will have been worth it. Lastly, though this isn't that important since it only affects my personal life, but I am really, really, annoyed by stereotypes about asari promiscuity and especially asari maiden promiscuity. Letting it be known that I can't sleep with anyone because it could kill them cuts down on unwanted propositioning by, like, ninety percent." C: "Thank you… Those answers definitely shed some light on why you're willing to be rather public about these things. It's a good goal, wanting less people to be hurt. The idea of informing others actually leads quite nicely into my next question. I'm fairly certain I know the answer to this one- But are there any big myths that are simply false, or incomplete information that you think people should know the truth about?" N: "Well, to start things off, basically everything in stuff like Galaxy of Fantasy is wrong. We don't have magic powers, we can't resurrect the dead, et cetera. Most of these should be fairly obviously false, so I'm not going to spend that much time on them because otherwise I'd have to spend all day ranting about stuff like that one human I met who claimed I was somehow a real-life vampire or something. I get so many vampire comparisons. It's annoying. Ardat-yakshi aren't vampires. There's like, no connection at all. Anyway, to get back on track, there's one very important myth I would like to dispel. The ardat-yakshi medical condition is actually a spectrum. The lethal variant of the condition, which I have, is very very rare, but there are other variants that aren't lethal, and are much more common. At the mildest and most common end you have people who just give their meld partners temporary headaches, though most people with this variant don't actually know that what they have is technically a variant of the ardat-yakshi disease, and the Republics don't persecute them like they do with people like me. However, they're still infertile, just like anyone else on the A-Y spectrum. Further along the spectrum, the condition gets bad enough that each meld basically gives the ardat-yakshi's meld partner a concussion, and then even further along the spectrum comes permanent brain damage from each meld, and some ardat-yakshi can even leave their partners comatose in extreme cases. Or dead." C:"Thank you for your answers. I can't imagine it's easy to talk about some of this, given the way the disorder is regarded. Now that we've discussed things that are false, what are some true things you wished other people knew about it?" N: "Well, melding is actually addictive for Ardat-Yakshi, just as the Republics and Justicars say it is. I'm not exactly sure how addictive it is, since at the time of my only meld, which was before I knew I was an Ardat-Yakshi of course, I was already trying to fight off an Aurora addiction. I'm not sure what withdrawal effects were from that and what were from the meld, but it's definitely possible to fight off the addiction. Secondly, Ardat-Yakshi serial killers, though I would like to emphasize that they are very, very rare and are in no way representative of the average A-Y sufferer, do actually exist. They normally don't get very far in the Republics proper, since an autopsy can reveal how the victims died and you can test suspects for the Ardat-Yakshi medical condition. But outside asari space, people don't know how to actually catch the serial killers because the Republics keep trying to suppress information about Ardat-Yakshi, and the serial killers can amass staggering body counts because of that. The Republics would seemingly let hundreds of innocent people die to... um... avoid making themselves look bad or something? I'm actually kind of confused as to why they don't just tell everyone the truth for once." C: "Hm. That makes sense. But what about asari colonies, or even nations with asari majority or pluralities? Surely the condition can occur in them as well? Even if the Republics are, as you say, loath to reveal the truth, surely someone out there has been doing research too? That's just a thought though, I don't actually expect you to know what groups or nations all across the Terminus might be doing." N:"As far as I know, the condition, well, the forms of the condition severe enough to be dangerous, anyway, is rare enough that research isn't prioritized, especially since A-Y is basically a pureblood exclusive disease and asari colonies outside the Republics tend to have fewer purebloods." C:"Well, I have two more questions planned, so we're really scooting along here. Thank you again for sitting down with me. Let's see... Are there any mistakes you've made in your efforts to spread awareness for this condition?" N:"Well, with the fact that so few Ardat-Yakshi are able to speak openly about their conditions, when I talk to people about this, I'm basically the only Ardat-Yakshi that most people ever know about. Since I'm their only reference point, I worry that people will take my flaws and apply them to everyone with the condition. I admit, I'm not the best figurehead. I'm a convicted criminal, albeit for something I don't want to discuss here. I'm a veteran of a, to put it mildly, controversial war on Solregit. And I don't get along with people sometimes, along with other various personality flaws. But there are Ardat-Yakshi who are better people than I am. They simply never got the chance to speak out, like I do. One more question, and then I have to get back to my ship." C:"Of course, I don't want to take up too much of your time. I only had one last one planned anyway." Well we've spoken about many aspects of the situation as-it-is. What, to you, would a more just policy look like in the Republics?" N: "To put it simply, equality under the law. No preemptive targeting of Ardat-Yakshi based on what we might do, with the monasteries as a strictly voluntary institution. Ardat-Yakshi who have knowingly hurt or murdered people should still be arrested, like any other criminal. Ardat-Yakshi who do not harm others should be treated the same as anyone else. All I ask is that you judge each of us by our own actions, not the actions of others." C:"A fine answer. One I think the vast majority of people can empathize with. I understand. You probably have a schedule to keep. But it's been a pleasure getting to know you some, Nara. I look forward to writing this up." With the interview concluded, I walked away with a few different feelings. I entered the conversation a little nervously. I had no more special knowledge of the AY condition than any other asari out there. Since I’m not a doctor I can’t speak to the accuracy of any of the medical specific claims my guest made. But I felt that her desire to make more information known was genuine. During the conversation there were certainly no feelings of threat or manipulation that I picked up on. And I sympathize greatly with the idea of wanting to be treated the same as everyone else. It was a very interesting conversation; and one that opens a window into a phenomena that is very rarely covered in anything but fiction. I hope you enjoyed the small look into the world of Ardat-Yakshi as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

[joontier]

Subliminal in Scrubs | V1; report iv 

pairings: dr. jeon jungkook x female reader

chapter rating: NC-17 | genre: humor, romance

warnings: swearing

word count: 2.5k

g/n: Send me your thoughts?

[taglist] @nottodayjjk @ditttiii​ @zeharilisharaban​ @btsbunny07​ @turquoiseandplaidinautumn  @aamxxrii @codeinebelle ​

Subliminal in Scrubs (the records) |  navi. | m.list

Your phone blares at exactly 6:45AM, and a memetastic image of Chohee lights up your phone screen as you’re brushing your teeth. When you swipe to answer the call, you don’t even manage to get a word in when Chohee chatters you out of your sleep-deprived soul.  

“Just as practiced, I’m punctual, and you’re late.”  

Garbling out a reply about how it’s still five minutes prior to your agreed time, you tap your toothbrush loudly against the sink, likewise spitting out the foam from your mouth. “Fine, just hurry because I’m starving!”  

Being the gold-hearted person that she is (although that fact is not known to the public), your best friend had offered you a ride to the building where you’re scheduled to take the Korean Medical Licensure Examination today.  

The moment you settle yourself on the passenger seat, she greets you with a cheery “Good morning!” - one that was too cheery this early in the morning, and all the more way too cheery for a certain Kim Chohee. The two of you share a look and you lean in for a hug. “Hey, we’ll do just fine, okay? We’ve been studying our asses for this.”  

You don’t let go at once, looking up at her with a kissy face. She pushes your head backwards with a disgusted expression, keeping your face at an arm’s length. With an unattractive snort, you lean back in your seat, laughing your ass off at your poor attempt to lighten the mood.  

“Seriously, _______, I know you’ve been lusting after me for years even when you’re well aware of my ‘strictly beef’ diet,” Chohee states, dusting your imaginary germs off her shoulder. Turning on her Benz’s engine, she checks her reflection on the rear-view mirror before driving off.  

With both your hands occupied with the sandwiches you’d ordered from Subway, you use your pinky to connect your phone to play some Mozart via bluetooth. You try not to talk much about the test, knowing it will only cause unnecessary anxiety on both your ends.  

As Chohee leans towards you, you tilt her sandwich in her direction, letting her take a bite from her sub. “Hey, what’s an abscess again?”  

“Isn’t that more commonly known as boils? Built up pus within or below the surface of the skin?”  

Kim Chohee chokes on her BLT.  

“Pus?” she repeats, swallowing her bite with great strain. “Seriously? While I’m eating a sandwich? Couldn’t you be more subtle perhaps?”  

Equally just as surprised as she was, you narrow your eyes at her. “We’ve been studying medicine for the last six years! It shouldn’t be a surprise by now...and besides, we’ve heard and see a lot worse too...Would you rather have me say purulent exudate then? And waste my precious saliva on a six-syllable word rather than the common term for a liquid form of inflamm-”  

“Okay!” Chohee throws an arm up in defeat. “Sheesh _______! Don’t I deserve at least some gratitude for driving you to our exams?”  

“Plus we’ve already seen a cadaver too, which was supposedly one of the peaks of our med-student lives! What’s all this hype about some viscous mass on the surface of the skin?”  

Your best friend peeks at you from her peripheral vision, absolutely mortified. You love it.  

“Can you please remind me how we became friends in the first place?” Chohee shakes her head and increases the volume of the player as the droplets of rain start pouring down the windshield. “Anyways – I was meaning to ask the histological meaning of it.”    

“Oh, right,” you nod, recalling your notes, “well, it’s a localized collection of neutrophils and necrotic debris. Basically, it’s a suppurative inflammation which is associated with pyogenic bacteria and characterized by edema fluid admixed with neutrophils and necrotic cells. Staphylococcus aureus usually produces abscesses because it’s coagulase positive and coagulase helps the production of fibrinous material that localizes the infection.”  

As soon as you finish, silence takes over the car, and suddenly, a sniffle comes from Chohee’s side. With a matching frown, you best friend looks at you with shiny eyes. “Oh _______, what would I do without you?”  

With still half an hour to spare, you decide on relieving your bladder first before all the toilets get occupied later a couple of minutes before the actual exam. You take your time with it, even managing to put some effort in fixing your hair in clipping your fringe back so as not to eliminate all distractions possible during the exam.  

While looking through the large panel windows on your way back from the comfort rooms, you spot a familiar face – the last person you’d want to see on such an important day. Perhaps your prayers weren’t loud enough to actually reach heaven.  

There Jeon Jungkook was at the end of the hall, walking like a newly-canonized saint in all his glory. Most (if not all) of the female onlookers stare at him as he passes by, with Jungkook seemingly unbothered by their unwavering attention. You aren’t one for exaggeration, but these women look like they’re willing to worship the ground he walked on.  

Your nerdy, anti-Jeon Jungkook ass quickly hides beside a nearby locker, not wanting to be ‘graced’ by his presence, just as some girl coined a few moments ago as she headed to the toilets with her friends, collectively gushing over the boy.  

The popular kid turns to his right and you swore you’d never prayed harder and faster than any other time in your life. Your room assignment was just the one by the corner...and if he could just make a few more steps and head straight to the next classroom a-and...nope. It’s official. The universe loved shitting on you.  

Jungkook enters room 132, the very same numbers indicating your room assignment for the licensure exam. You ball up your fists in your spot by the lockers, releasing all your pent-up frustration in the simplest and least violent way possible: a long, tedious exhale.  

Gathering up all your self-control, you re-enter the classroom with an inward grimace, desperate to not have Jungkook’s eyes meet yours. He’s looking for a seat, and with all the back rows already occupied, he’s stuck with picking one from the first two rows.  

He’s already stood near the seat you’ve picked and you bore holes into the back of his head with your fake telepathy, silently ordering him to pick a chair on the other side of the aisle instead.  

Just as you had not wished for, Jungkook plops his huge ass backpack on the chair next to yours. You tread back to your seat as discreetly as possible, avoiding his gaze at all times as he rummages through his military backpack. What the fuck is in that thing in the first place? You won't be surprised if he manages to pull out a whole microwave inside – and yet funnily enough, he can’t seem to own a single damn pencil.  

As you were minding your own businesses (hopefully it stays that way for the rest of eternity), you catch the other students discussing surgical cases last minute.  

“Hey, which artery is the one for transection for an epidural hematoma?”  

“Was this the kid that got hit by a fastball in the head?”  

“What happened?”  

“Poor boy got hit in the temporal area during a baseball tournament. Remained conscious during the rest of the day but during the same evening he gets a severe headache with vomiting and confusion. When they got to Severance he got scheduled for immediate surgery for epidural hematoma.”

“That sounds awful…”  

“I’m not sure which artery it was again though…”

If that were the case...then it’d be the transection of a branch of the middle meningeal artery...but then you wouldn’t want to answer that out of the blue and get mistaken for being too snoopy…

Instead, you reach for the bottle of water by the legs of your chair, likewise hearing the same answer coming out of Jungkook’s mouth in a whisper. Huh. You raise a brow. Well, there was a major chance he knew the case since he came from Yonsei too, just as you had speculated from some of your roommates who seemed like they came from the same school after mentioning Severance Hospital.  

The group continue discussing their answers when this girl, who had an obnoxiously unnatural high-pitched voice, approaches Jungkook.  

“Jungkook-oppa?”  

Oppa? OPPA?!

You wanted to throw up. This girl looked at least two-three years older than him. At the least. Guess Jeon was really more of a fuckboy than Chohee would ever admit. “We were just discussing something and we’re really unsure of our answers, maybe a smart oppa like you would know?”  

With as much discretion as you could muster, you adjust in your seat, leaning a little bit towards their conversation as you eavesdrop like the nosy person that you are.  

“The surgery was a transection of the meningeal artery,” says Jeon nonchalantly like it’s the most basic thing in the world, still scrolling through his phone. Silence ensues after that. That’s it?! He’s not even going to bother explaining-  

Jungkook exhales as he puts his phone down. “Epidural hemorrhages result from a rupture of one of the meningeal arteries, as these arteries supply the dura and run between the dura and the skull. Plus you said temporal area right?” he asks, facing one of the guys.  

“The artery involved is usually the middle meningeal artery - a branch of the maxillary artery, as the skull fracture is usually in the temporal area. Since the bleeding is of arterial origin, symptoms are rapid in onset even though he seemed normal for a few hours. If they didn’t bring him to the hospital that same evening, he could’ve had tentorial herniation and would have eventually died.”  

As much as you hate to admit it - you’re beyond impressed. Chohee always stays true to her word, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was still a jerk for clearly cutting the line at the subway.  

The girls coo over him, praising him over how cool he looked by explaining his answer. Jungkook settles back on his seat like he hadn’t just perfectly given an on-point pathological explanation for a neuro case.  

The group continues their review, until they’ve come to another question they’re unsure of. “Jungkook-ssi, would you know where the rupture of a berry aneurysm of the Circle of Willis would likely produce hemorrhage?”  

With only ten minutes left, you’d usually be preparing yourself mentally but this group and Jungkook’s intervention has you all ears once more. Nothing wrong with some last minute review, right?  

“It’s the subdural space.”  

Wow. Okay, quick and close but wrong. Impressive wit though.  

You open your mouth to say something but you hesitate as it dawns on you that you really aren’t part of this group and you’re not the one being asked. Jungkook not missing a beat gets a collective ‘ooh’ from the group, who’s clearly impressed at how quickly he’s answered the question.  

Meanwhile, your conscience is making you contemplate on your earlier hesitation with the voice of the angel on your right shoulder telling you it isn’t right to let the wrong answer pass just like that, especially on a day like this. The devil on your left, however, tells you otherwise. You go with the former.  

Amongst their murmurs of mutual praise for Jungkook (you bet this man is rejoicing inside with all the attention he’s getting, despite looking nonchalant), you take a deep breath and say the correct answer, voice coming out louder than expected.  

“Excuse me?” another ‘spectator’ says, jutting her chin towards you.  

“I said,” you look up at her, “it’s actually the subarachnoid space.”  

“Are you sure?” she retorts.  

Seriously? Just because you’re not some fuckboy jock who smolders at all boobed humans means you can’t be sure with your answer?  

“Hey! I know you!” Someone exclaims from the side, causing everyone to turn their heads toward him, “You’re the foreigner valedictorian at SNU!” Similar to their earlier praises directed towards Jungkook, the same dudes marvel at your most recent accomplishment. You give a shy smile in return, quietly thanking the stranger for the sudden confidence boost.  

“Jungkook-oppa is also the valedictorian at Yonsei.”  

Well, that didn’t last for long...somebody has always got to rain on your parade. You won’t allow this girl though, not today.  

You purse your lips, collecting your thoughts first before explaining it to them. “Subarachnoid hemorrhages, although they are much less common than hypertensive intracerebral hemorrhages, but the former are...more often than not...resultant of a rupture of a berry aneurysm.” You pause momentarily when someone drags his seat closer to yours, “Go on please.”  

“Right, um...berry aneurysms are most commonly found at the Circle of Willis, usually by the junction of the communicating artery and the cerebral artery. Chances of rupture increase with age and cause marked bleeding into the subarachnoid space and produces severe headaches.” The same dude earlier blinks at you, urging you to explain further, “uh...additional symptoms may include vomiting, pain, stiffness of the neck, and papilledema. Death may follow rapidly as well.”  

A few from the people gathered around your seat clap their hands, along with compliments and offers along the lines of marriage and organ swaps.  

Someone mentions seeing the proctor approach the room and the group immediately disperses, everyone rushing back to their seats as quickly as possible. A middle-aged man enters, tells everyone to bring out their pencils and place their stuff by the platform, then momentarily leaves for the restroom.  

Jungkook fishes through his bag, turning each pocket inside and out over and over again. There’s no way this kid actually-- “Shit, where did that pencil go?” he murmurs, going through his bag once more. Looking away, you bite your lip to stop yourself from snickering. Jeon Jungkook is definitely on a different level.  

As expected, your entertaining seatmate calls you and asks for a pencil. With a deceivingly enthusiastic nod, you retrieve a pencil from your case just beside your chair. Your life after meeting Jungkook at the subway had finally led to this moment. He clears his throat and you figure it’s signaling the coming of another obnoxious comment.  

“Oh, I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant for you,” you look at him with the most apologetic look you can muster. Then you look at him, down then up, just as he had done back in the library, you smile widely before winking at him, making him hand your extra pencil over to the guy sat next to him, “Thanks, babe.”  

Jungkook scowls hard and you rejoice inside your head, making sure that your face doesn’t register the slightest bit of jest. His  scowl however, does not last for long. “Hmm, you’re the girl from the library, right? Smart and feisty...maybe you are my type after all,” he murmurs, tongue poking his cheek. You scoff loudly, scrunching your face in disgust. “No thank you.”  

“Oppa,” the girl’s shrill voice calls him one more time and you face forward to freely roll your eyes. If you aren’t mistaken, there’s even a hint of mild annoyance on Jungkook’s features. “Don’t mind her, oppa. You can have my extra pencil instead.” She tsks. “Some people just don’t know when to quit.”  

At least she got something right this morning: you don’t know when to quit. 

© joontier 2021