#how ND people experience gaslighting

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

7 Ways Autistic People Might Experience Gaslighting

Neurodivergent_lou

[decolonize-the-left]

Something else I've been thinking about is how common it is for one group of people to speak for the rest of the group they belong to.

Specifically, about the hierarchy of oppression within different spaces and how those at the top (with the most privilege) get to decide which issues get addressed and are the most important/valid

Let's be real, whether thats the LGBT community, feminists, liberals, leftists, etc it's happening. And 9x out of 10 the people at the top suffer the least (obviously).

My point though, is how those people will look at their experiences and look at members of their community and decide that the only oppression worth addressing is the oppression that the Top group shares with everyone else. They make themselves out to be representatives and speak as if the varied levels of oppression that the other community members face are just extra problems that don't need to be addressed just because they (the Top group) don't share that oppression.

With queer people the people who decided what the focus was were cis white gays: gay marriage was the focus.

With women the people who decided what the focus was were cis white women: abortion

With liberals the people who decided what their focus was were cis white folk: voting blue no matter who

With leftists the people who decided what the focus was were cishet white men: classism

With ND people the people who decided what the focus was were cis & white: normalizing adhd-tism

You may have noticed that the Deciding Groups have some things in common.

Now let's consider: who is the least oppressed group of people on earth. Who are the most.

Now what does it say from an anti-racist, anti-white supremacy perspective that white folk across the board are speaking over and refusing to listen/address the very literal life or death struggles BIPOC face in favor of getting their entire community to focus on what impacts them the most? What does it say about white folk when they look at dying BIPOC and say to their audience "don't look at them, look at me, I'm the representative. Give me the protections"

This to say that I think white supremacy is still very much alive and well and it's done a good job of covertly getting the entire country (even the "good" guys in blue) to aid and abet the ongoing genocide and racism of BIPOC.

The inherent nature of white folk to center their own experiences within any space they occupy is white supremacy. The ability to disregard intersectionality or prioritize problems they don't face is white supremacy.

I don't think it's always done consciously or intentionally because 99% of y'all haven't deconstructed your internalized white supremacy enough to be aware of all the ways it manifests, but when you put a laser focus on the issues that matter and what matters is You before anyone else... That's white supremacy babe.

And honestly, white supremacy found a very good hiding spot within white liberal mindsets because white folks are so good at being victims and gaslighting that it becomes damn near impossible to argue that we shouldn't be talking about issues They face without sounding like you hate whatever community they belong to.

Like isn't it so interesting that when trying to challenge those priorities you get called a Republican, dummy, cunt, bigot, fascist who doesn't want the next step of "progress"? How "we can worry about that later right now we should be fighting against (the only oppression they face as a white person)." And "We all face this why shouldn't it be a priority?! Life would improve for all of us! Be rational."

its all just the woke-remix to silence BIPOC.

[autisticlee]

almost every time I have met online friends irl, they stop talking to me either immediately after or very soon after, usually after increasingly acting weird or distant towards me. it makes me feel awful. and then i'm afraid to meet anyone irl again.

I feel so silly and stupid that I have a lowkey fear creeping below the surface about going to visit my friend and their gf this summer. what if they end up hating me 🙃 i've thought about mentioning it to my friend, but I don't want to make them feel bad about it!!!!!! it's not their fault I feel this gross fear. they didn't do anything to make it happen. they're super excited and always tell me about it!! i'm the one that is struggling to feel excited because i'm haunted by past experiences that will not stop repeating like i'm stuck in an endless loop of hell!!!!! 😭

I try to remind myself that thos friend also

I seem to give off this bad vibe irl that everyone except me notices and it makes people want to avoid me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it but I wish I could!!!! perhaps i'm just simply not likable 🥲 i've had people want to be roommates and act like best friends meet me irl and suddenly start avoiding me until they straight-up ghost me. I don't understand 😔

i'm very willing to work on myself....if I knew wtf was wrong with me!!!!! but I do not!!

I also fear it's something I can't change and it's something that's part of me, so I literally can't do anything unless I mask and become a fake person. but that's so uncomfortable and lonely in itself and feels pointless. what if it's just normal autism traits and people are assholes???? then I have no choice in the matter.

everyone tells me i'll ~find the right ones~ or whatever. befriend other autistic or ND people. but it never matters. they all end up the same in the end!!!!! fellow autistic and adhd people have hurt me MORE than NTs!!! do you know how many times I thought I did find "the right people," made them promise to not do what the last ones did, promise to respect my needs and boundaries, and promise to be honest and talk everything out, but then a little while down the way they do exactly the same shit they promised not to that everyone else did?!

when the same shit keeps happening over and over, at what point does it stop being "other people are the assholes" and become "im obviously the problem" ??????? i'll have people tell me it's not me that's the problem. it's other people. those same people will become "the other people" themselves. so is it REALLY them that's the problem, or am I too goddamn stupid to know what's wrong with me and what i'm doing wrong ?!

sometimes people will put a blame on me but not tell me why it's me. just a broad statement with no details that point fingers at me. "you're gaslighting me" (after opening up to a close friend group about a difficult thing I had just experienced and that was the response one gave and then completely ghosted with no explanation, leading to the whole group abandoning me)

sometimes people will complain about certain things I can't help. "you ruined my whole day!" (some girl telling me this, a few months later after kicking me out of a group. I needed help navigating nyc subway to the bus station because my phone GPS didn't work there and she said it was ok, she'd gladly help me. then yelled at me about it a while later when she got mad about something else, about how I ruined her day that time by making her help me and being a burden 🙃✌️)

sometimes someone will drop out basically mid conversion, get extremely distant, go from replying with novels to one word replies until not responding at all, then suddenly block me a year later after ignoring me. only to come at me with "you stopped caring about me and haven't messaged me in a year" despite our last messages being me saying I miss them, them saying they've been busy (despite having the time to talk to multiple other people and ppat their message screenshots online every day and be online all the time) and me responding telling them to message me when they aren't busy so we can chat again, but never getting a response!!) only for them to admit they muted me and didn't want to talk to me "for no reason" they literally said that to me lmao wtf. how is there "no reason"

sometimes it IS them that's the problem though. like one girl who accused me of liking her and sabotaged our whole friendship based on these baseless delusions she had. sje decided she was going to "choose" to be straight (she's bi) and decided i'm a "man" (I was trans masc and starting my transition at the time, but am actually nonbinary. it was just required to be trans masc where I live to get treatment. nb people aren't allowed) and she decided guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" she even got very upset at me when I told her she's wrong and not even my type and i'm asexual/probably aromantic. she claims I ~knew saying that would hurt her~ because she apparently told me that kind of thing hurts her before. I did not know this, she never told me this. that's also a weird thing to think/say??? saying it upsets you that someone ISNT attracted to you but also being upset and ruining the friendship if they are??? what the fuck lmao. goofy behavior. I thought she'd be delighted to hear she was wrong about that but nope. she wanted to feel good that someone liked her even if it cost the friendship. haha weird 🙃 she also talked shit about me being autistic at one point lol. fellow ND being a ND hater. sue was all kinds of messed up, but at least I knew it was for sure her that was the problem and not me this one time. but she wasted so much of my time and energy that I can't get back.

it's not always clear why people do what they do, and it drives me insane until I can figure it out. most of the time I cannot. so I go on knowing i'll unknowingly fuck everything up yet again. it feels guaranteed.

I just want a stable and comfortable friendship that's close and secure. one I know will last. one where I can relax and enjoy the time with the other person and not have to be hyperaware of every little detail and look out for potential patterns I recognize that every friendship seems to fall into just like the last, that will lead to the same shit. then force me to have to try harder to save the friendship before it gets worse!!!! but trying seems to make it worse somehow. I don't fuckijg know.

I AM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE. i've reached the point where I don't have the energy or willpower to try getting closer with anyone and have to sit here feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone. I don't feel like I have even one single person I can trust or rely on. not one. if I go to anyone, i'll just burden and annoy them. they can say I won't all the want, but that's always a lie. always. last time I trusted a group wo told me that, I got told I was gaslighting them. not told why or how. but apparently losing a thing important to me and confiding in my closest friends about it is "gaslighting" now and is justification to cancel me from our group trip and then not invite me back into the group chat when I switch accounts LOL.

after that shit, I just cannot. I genuinely thought that were "THE ONES" you know, those mythical "the right people" i'm alwaus being told about thar apparently exist. but every time I find them, I am wrong. so I have no fucking clue what to even look for. they seemed so good at first!!!! how do I find better???? and how do I not fuck it up wven thought I can't figure out what the FUCK I did wrong by sharing a very deep, personal, important thing with my closet trusted friends?!

if "the right people" can't even accept me then wtf am I supposed to do??? I feel like I either deserve this, not having friends or anyone to rely on, or I just have to accept that i'll always be alone. maybe I can have little casual surface friendships....but I'll never have anything deeper and closer. i'll never have the type of thing I feel I need that's hard to explain. maybe it's just the trust of knowing something will last and is stable. i've never had that. i've been walking on egg shells my whole life around everyone. and its so uncomfortable and sucks. it makes me feel so goddamn lonely. especially when I see everyone else has their person or people.

and don't get me wrong, i'm fine with being alone by myself. if I lock myself up and don't see or pay attention to others, i'm perfectly fine and don't feel lonely. it's as soon as I see other people being together, and ESPECIALLY when i'm woth other people that I feel this deep and painful sad/loneliness that doesn't go away until i'm away from people for a while again. but even of i'm enjoying my alone time, there's often things I want to do that require others, so I can't do them and it makes me feel bad. my old therapist telling me last time I was avoiding people due to (unknown at the time) autistic burnout, that we are a social species and require interaction with other people, so I NEED to make friends and interact with others always echos in my mind. I wish I DIDNT need others and can lock myself up alone forever. that feel less painful than trying to be with others. seeing and being with others makes me feel awful and alone. being literally alone feels comfortable and not lonely, most of the time. as long as I have a single-person hyperfocus to occupy my entire existence with.

but despite feeling like this, the burnout I hit from losing several important things to me at once about a couple years ago and my friend group ditching me when I needed them most is debilitating and still going strong. I feel like this is my new permanent state of being. I don't have the energy to put any effort into friendhips. if they don't maintain themsleves or the other person doesn't put in most of the effort, I WILL let it die and act like I don't give a fuck (I do, I just don't have the power to stop it). it's all on the other person's shoulders to carry the friendship the way I carried all the ones in my past. it's my turn to be the unresponsive friend who doesn't put in effort and responds with one word. not because I secretly hate the person/friendhipz but because i'm perpetually burnt out and literally can't do much anymore. I just can't.

that doesnt mean I can't keep complaining about how lonely and disconnected I feel!!! just because i'm not trying to fix it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid! "just keep trying" only works for people who have the ability to try. my ability was destroyed and am now unable. I would need a miracle of a person who puts in enough effort and genuinely cares enough about me to nurse me out of burnout hell to the point where I can put full trust and faith into them and call them my best friend.

but I doubt that will happen. I won't believe it until I see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being "positive" and hoping for the best keeps biting me in the ass and makes the fall hurt even more. I do not have the spoons and willpower and energy for that again i'm sorry 😭

wow this was a long ramble. it's taken me 2 hours to write this. I just wrote exactly what my brain was saying and rambled off topic. this was originally supposed to be about how, while I want to be excited to visit my friend and their gf, it's really hard to because all my past experiences make FEAR lurk around every corner.

I expressed an anxiety to my friend about the trip but only said it was about going to the airport and flying for the first time ever. and alone at that. if I tell them about this little hell demon on my shoulder, it may upset them. they're always telling me how they're so excited and I can't ruin that!!!! the more excited they are, the more comfortable/less worried I feel i'm allowed to be about it??? I NEED that energy personally. and I want them to keep that for themsleves as well. especially when it's not that I don't trust THEM. I don't trust myself. I could do any number of things wrong and make a good, fun, exciting trip go bad, or create a bad after-effect that makes it all slowly break down after. my friend expressed even wanting me to move in with them and their gf. be roommates. where have I heard that one before lmao. multiple other times before a seemingly good friendship gets destroyed for unknown reasons 😭

I hate that my brain has to live this way thanks to past traumas. cptsd mixed with autism/adhd is literally hell. but when you basically never know if you're the one fucking everything up accidentally, are afraid to hurt someone important again, don't know what a real/healthy friendhip is meant to look like due to never experiencing one, and don't have the energy to deal with this shit anymore, it's impossible to make your brain chill the fuck out.

there is a chance everything will go well and nothing will change. there is a smaller chance things will even improve. I can only hope, even if I know hoping for things ends up hurting more.

"what's the worst that can happen" i'm always asked, as if the person asking thinks nothing bad can happen. imagine being very far away from home and your trusted best friend you're there with betrays and hurts you for who knows what stupid reason, and you're stranded there, alone and upset, with no one around you who cares or wants to help or comfort you. you're treated like a burden and have no one to turn to. you're trapped and alone, surrounded by strangers in a big scary city. your whole world and everything you knew is falling apart in your hands as you try desperately to patch it badk together, but your once trusted person is purposely pulling out the seams. your supposed-to-be-happy experience is forever tainted and ruined. you get blamed for it all when you're confused and lost as to what even happened! it takes years to put the pieces together and come to a conclusion about what and why it happened. but that experience left deep scars that affect everything that comes after.

I don't want want that to happen again lmao. I cant make my brain not have intrusive flashbacks when faced with a similar scenario. it's literally how trauma works.

i've heard you can heal from trauma. but is that possible when the trauma wound constantly gets reopen every time it even starts to heal? if the same shit that caused you trauma keeps happening over and over and over and over....things replying in your head end up repeating themelves despire your best efforts to go a different direction....how do you heal? how do you convince your brain to not feel like this and think these things when it feels like reality rather than a worry since these things have happened literally 100% of the time!

that's the problem. you can't heal a flesh wound by rubbing dirt and shit and sharp objects on it all the time. I feel like the only way to heal is to be able to have someone I can actually trust and reply on. someone who proves to me that they won't become another source of trauma. the wond needs a clean and stable environment to heal in.

but i'm broken. i'm annoying. i'm incredibly boring and have no personality. my interests are few and very weird. i'm not likable to most people or for very long and do and say the wrong things all the time. etc etc. *throws pity party or whatever that's actually based on facts probably because no one proved them wrong yet and idk the real reason so i'm simply guessing* so how am I supposed to make a person do this lmao since you can't force people to like you and be a good friend. I also can't force myself to like people so the person needs to be someone *I* like and feel comfortable and connected with as well. hitting two birds with one stone is.....not easy. especially when you're as clumsy and uncoordinated as me.

hopefully my trip goes well. hopefully a miracle happens and we get closer. but I can't rely on it. I can't even think about it. I keep making myself focus on other things and nkt think. but sometimes something reminds me and then this now THREE HOUR long rant happens. 😭✌️

[soulvomit]

The Silo of Self is basically where you hit a perceptual wall knowing what other people are feeling or describing, because of the fact that we can't actually mind-meld with people.

So basically almost all descriptions of subjective personal experiences that don't have some kind of empirical basis, are faith-based. They rely upon how much you personally identify with the person describing their experiences.  And here's the thing, you could identify with them and still be wrong. 

It's why I'm not opposed to considering descriptions of ND experience that are from outside the inside of individual ND people's skulls, which is an unpopular viewpoint in ND culture. I feel like balance is important here. 

Literally, exterior observation (especially by people who aren’t just using testimony of people *like themselves*) is the only thing there is to go on sometimes. 

It may not tell us why but it does tell us that the people in question fit common groups of behavior, observable to the outside, and sometimes it's all there is to go on.

Granted - this could just be a particular way in which my own brain is kinda broken and I feel like having lived through some gaslighting, is part of why I'm this way.

Basically I feel like most people don't really know what they feel or report it accurately and we're always basically forced to go on faith that their feelings are reported accurately, and that most people consider other people's feelings when those specific people matter to them.

[queermatters]

Ableism and collective gaslighting

This is something I think about a lot. Like, as disabled or ND people, we end up growing up in a world that tells us that how we present, act and navigate are wrong and that we should conform. All the while, we see toxic positivity posts on social media telling us to "look after ourselves" and "be ourselves", yet, whenever we do that, we're immediately marginalised or punished for it.

Since learning more about my autism over the last couple of years, I've gone through a range of emotions: hurt, anger and sadness.

Now I understand my challenges better, and that they're not my fault, that actually, most of the time, it's down to spaces being inaccessible or refusing to accommodate other's needs... I feel a mix of those emotions. Because so many of us are told that we're in the wrong about how we feel, that we "shouldnt react that way" or that we're "being dramatic" or whatever. This is inherently traumatic: we're being told that the way we process things and move through the world is wrong, that we're crazy and that we should be like everyone else.

To make it worse, living in a world that doesn't understand this can really erode your sense of trust in your own judgement, which, ironically, can make it difficult to trust your experiences. This is heartbreaking for me, because I'm now starting to learn that my judgement isn't broken, its just that other people have gaslit me into thinking that it is. Pair that with internalised ableism, and eventually, you learn not to trust yourself, which leads you to not being able to cater to your needs, and by extension, further burnout and difficulty coping with challenges.

Ironically, if the NT people around us were better at accepting, accommodating and supporting our needs, we wouldn't struggle anywhere near as much in the first place. But thats just the problem: ND people are often way more interested in conformity than growth and flourishing.

And it should also be noted, that ND people are also capable of enacting this kind of stigma onto ourselves and others too. Which can make it even more difficult to trust yourself and your needs, especially when you see others like you telling you that you're wrong.

The sad thing is, because of this, we cant recognise our needs. When we cant recognise our needs, we run out of spoons. When we run out of spoons we burn out, and when we burn out we can't look after ourselves and do anything to replenish ourselves. This leaves us as shells of our former selves. What's needed in the face of all this toxicity is radical self compassion and care, along with strong solidarity and community with other neurodivergent folk. Spending time with ND people who understand and "get it" is among some of the most healing and validating experiences I've come across.

[sidneyfirefae]

Hello!! I'm Sidney (she/fae). Welcome to my blog!

This is just my personal blog so it doesn't really have a theme or anything, just me reblogging stuff that interests me or feels important or is funny, etc. There's also an about me section further down, but first off, I wanna make sure to say this is a welcoming and safe space for:

TL;DR

All genders/gender identities (neopronouns/xenogenders included)

All romantic & sexual orientations

Intersex folks

Neurodivergent folks & mentally ill folks (if and when the distinction is important)

Self-diagnosed folks

All systems (traumagenic, endo, tulpa, etc)

Disabled folks (physical and mental disability)

Fat, plus-size, and other non-dominant body types

All religions & spiritual beliefs

All ethnic/cultural backgrounds

Kink

Furries

Probably forgetting some but will come back and add

Longer version

Queer folks!

This includes all members of the LGBTQIA+ community/communities outside of the Western episteme around what is considered "queer". Neopronoun users, intersex folks, ppl who are xenogender, and probably a lot of other things I can't think of are all welcome.

Neurodivergent & mentally ill folks!

Brains are Weird and the range of human experiences with said brains is very broad. There's still so much we don't really know, but I know to be kind. Self-diagnosis is valid! We are intimately familiar with the gaslighting and systemic/financial barriers involved in the diagnosis process and that diagnosis is not nearly as simple a thing as it's made out to be. People who self-dx have almost always done vast amounts of research into themselves and their experiences. Mental illnesses count as ND, as we have definitely experienced with OCD (although that's hardly the only exquisite flavor of brain sauce we have going on). It's still important to distinguish the two and be mindful of the nuance, especially since people's relationships to their own minds vary greatly.

Systems of all kinds!

Whether that be traumagenic, endo, tulpa, or any of the many other kinds of systems, plural folks are all welcome. I'm part of a mixed-origin system myself and can only restate the previous point that Brains are Weird. Plurality is a broad spectrum and can be both healthy and not; in our experience, having each other has been critically helpful and we can't imagine life without each other. Syscourse is ... a lot and we try to avoid it, and I think ultimately it falls into the same issues any sort of excessive online discourse does, which is forgetting to account for diverse lived experiences and the real people experiencing them. Don't fakeclaim people.

Disabled folks!

Mentally and physically disabled folks, spoonies (or users of other systems) and all. No matter your needs, no matter how far you stray from that terrible concept of "normal", you have a place here. I'll do my best to be as respectful as I can, but there's still a lot I don't know about, so I apologize in advance and thank you for bearing with me. We identify with the label of disabled, but our experiences are unique just like everyone else.

All ethnicities/racial backgrounds!

Just like everything else here, this should go without saying, but I just want to be clear. We have studied anthropology and the history of conceptions of race/racism, and we know how ridiculous it all is. We're all just people. We are POC, but our experiences are only of our own ethnic background, and we're always trying to learn more about other cultures and experiences.

Religions of all sorts!

Any and all religious/spiritual beliefs and practices, so long as they are not used to harm people. We're not religious, but we also know that religion and identities that have historically been targeted by religious institutions can and absolutely do co-exist. Like a lot of things here, we're not very knowledgeable about many religions, but we hope to express nothing but respect and curiosity.

Kink!

I'll admit I don't know much about kink -- I'm aspec and an incredibly romantic sapphic with OCD -- but just because I don't personally vibe with the incredibly kinky stuff y'all be getting up to doesn't mean it's wrong in any way. Sexuality means different things to different people, and as long as it is explored consensually and healthily, there's nothing wrong with it. One of our system members is quite kinky, so I know firsthand that mutual understanding and acceptance of varying sexual preferences is absolutely possible. I'm also not a furry and don't entirely get it, but y'all are lovely and just as welcome here.

There's probably a lot I'm forgetting, but when I remember I'll make sure to add it. Basically, don't be a bigot. People are people, and I love you all.

____________________

About me

Howdy! You can call me Sidney Firefae. I'm a grey-ace nonbinary sapphic trans woman who uses she/fae pronouns. I'm part of a nameless system with a range of interests, and consequently I'm currently the only one of us who uses tumblr.

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I know there's probably stuff I've missed, hopefully I remember and can come back and add it.

Have a nice day!

[none-gender-left-man]

It took me a lot of sitting back to figure out where I stand on this, I had to confront my own reactivity and almost fell off the wagon a bit, but after really thinking on it and confronting my own negative biases I need y'all who are throwing fits about "able bodied" ND ppl using cripple to take into consideration that ND conditions aren't somehow removed from the body. The brain is a material organ not some nebulous metaphysical entity.

I am clinically physically disabled, but even if I wasn't in the ways I am, would I not have the right to call myself a cripple when I dissociate and lose control of my body for hours or even days? That doesn't "count"? Why? Because it's isolated to the brain in origin? Even though it clearly has a material affect on the physiological body? Even though it unequivocally devastates the way I am able to interact with the world? I never heard anyone say neurological disorders "don't count bc it's from your brain". That's bc they have physiological impact, right? Why is it different when it's mental?

What about the fact that even things as common as anxiety and depression DO have long term physical effects on cardiac health among droves of other things? The long term effects of anxiety that can cause hypertension independent of any other condition? Why are y'all so obsessed w this strawman idea of "the able-bodied ppl with anxiety want to steal our slurs!!!!" Why do you presume to know the qualia of their life and MindBody experience better than they do? How do you KNOW they're "able bodied"?

Why do you presume anxiety and depression (or any mental disability) has no physiological toll?

What about people with mental disabilities that prevent them from speaking not due to any neurological or physiological reason? Where is the line between the body and mind in their dysfunction? Can anyone at all clarify or quantify this??? No. You can't. Their MENTAL disability prevents them from a PHYSICAL action, independent of a clinical physiological disability, yet they are STILL physically experiencing disability.

What about eating disorders that are inherently tied to both body and mind that WILL end in fatality if untreated?

You're building strawmen again, y'all.

Other disabled people aren't your enemy and mad pride has its place, you're right about that- but mad pride does not cover everything that a mental disability causes PHYSICALLY for every subject. Mad pride works to convey a pride in your lack of "sanity", but it conveys nothing related to how that affects the body. For those whose mental disability is intrinsic to their physical health it is not even remotely fair to gatekeep this word. To tell them their health symptoms aren't "enough". This is no better than the debate that tried to claim that chronic health and autoimmune disability should be 100% separate from other disabled people in the movement. This is no better than the people who tell me I can't claim cripple because I'm not a 24/7 wheelchair user. This is useless semantics.

Compartmentalizing the movement into multiple neatly categorized folders, further pathologizing and dividing ourselves, weaponizing trauma against one another, and acting out lateral violence does nothing. We work better as a god damn unit.

To ignore that mental disability can and usually does cause physically disabling effects without the presence of a "physical disability" is sanism and ableism. It's yet another way to gaslight ND ppl into a corner and frame them as attention seeking hypochondriacs. Congrats for joining the war on ableism on the side of ableism.

It's disappointing to see some people who's takes on transandrophobia I respect completely slipping.

How can you recognize in the context of another form of oppression that policing the use of language in theory like this is useless distracting semantics- but then turn around and pull the same shit w disability activism?

I am psychotic. I am a dissociative system. I am autistic. I have hEDS, NCAH, dysautonomia, and more. I belong to both of these communities and I don't want to see us tear each other apart for fuck's sake.

Learn to address when you're being reactionary!!!! I get where y'all came from with this but it doesn't mean it's right just because I understand it and almost fell into your logic myself at first. Y'all need to do what I did, identify your reactionary impulses, and SQUASH THEM.

We thrive together. If we tear one another part, the ableist and sanist system will simply laugh at us for self sabotaging, because we'll have served their goal.

Mindlessly jumping on the next wave of "YOU ARENT [BLANK] ENOUGH" discourse is almost always the wrong fucking move.

I want you all to take into consideration how truly debilitated and incapable of functions (INCLUDING PHYSICAL AND PHYSIOLOGICAL) some ND ppl are, even without a clinical "physical disability".

Because of my mental disability I'm less able to seek help for my physical disability because my being insane means I'm a "hypochondriac" that's not worth testing or taking seriously.

You are all very eager to forget that a lot of people who are mentally disabled are less likely to be given proper clinical care for physical symptoms, are more likely to be dismissed, and are more likely to go undiagnosed in many areas of health. You're not even considering that a large portion of these people also very likely HAVE clinical disabilities that they're not aware of yet and are actively experiencing symptoms of, and that them being brought into the cripple community with welcome arms could help THOUSANDS find answers and seek better care that they're being denied bc of sanism and ableism. You're too focused on feeling threatened and undermined to realize you're throwing your own under the bus materially.

Mental disability IS physical disability because the brain is a physical part of you. The mind isn't somehow alienated from the physical body. You can be physically disabled without a clinical physiological disability. If your mental disability impacts your physical capabilities, you are physically disabled even in the absence of a clinical physiological disability. You can claim cripple if you are physically impacted by disability of any kind. Period.

- sincerely a pissed off insane cripplepunk 🙃

Bad faith gets blocked.

[pojkflata]

Seeing critiques of transandrophobia makes it quite clear to me that most detractors believe this came out of nowhere, as if somebody rightfully called out a trans man on his misogyny once and he instantly snapped and became a reactionary gamer bro. So I'd like to tell you that at least in my case, this has been brewing in me for some time with the rise of a new transphobic movement that specifically targets transmascs, and I gave you not one, not two, but three chances to take my worries seriously. If you don't like seeing me discuss my oppression like this, it's your fault for not being there for me when you had the chance.

April 2019

The Swedish national broadcaster puts out a documentary about trans healthcare. It's bad. It's really bad. It lies about the ease of access to HRT and concern trolls about an "explosive rise in mentally unstable girls identifying as transgender". It cites an at the time obscure study suggesting that being trans, specifically transmasc, is communicable. It's pseudoscience, but nobody cares. A woman goes on national television funded by tax payer money to complain about being silenced. Parents come in to misgender their sons, and shortly thereafter one of these sons talks on social media about how his mother was lying through her teeth the entire time. No trans person is allowed to speak. The documentary is mass reported for its obvious bias, misinformation and invading the privacy of a trans man. In the end, it's only charged for the privacy breach - in the eyes of the public, the bias and misinformation are forgivable. A sequel is released in the fall of the same year when they actually bring in a trans person... a trans woman. As if to say "this is what a real trans looks like, unlike you mentally unstable girls". They then announce that they are detransitioning and calls themselves a "effeminate gay in a woman's body". Now the narrative is more like "if even this real trans wasn't actually trans, what makes you think you could be?"

My mental immune system went into overdrive, I panicked. This was new to me but I knew we would have to deal with this brand of transphobia for a long time going forward. I also knew that these people obviously hated trans men and trans men specifically, this was reactionary pushback against increased visibility. "No, you can't take up space like this, what about the children?" This rhetoric is also literal gaslighting - it teaches you that if you happen to be a trans man, especially if you came out as a teen and/or you're ND, you can't trust what's going on inside your own head, you're delusional, and you certainly don't deserve healthcare. I write a tumblr post describing to the best of my abilities why this is dangerous. It gets a couple of dozen notes, but not much else. I try to rationalize it - the post was written in panicked delirium and I didn't know what to call this rhetoric, I knew calling it "transmisandry" would get me laughed out of the room. Additionally, this isn't happening in the US (yet), so I have to be happy I even got notes at all.

I was pre-T at the time and I was terrified that this would prevent me from transitioning. Knowing that this documentary is now what most people in my country believe about me is a horrifying thought. At least one Swedish trans man attempted suicide following the documentary. As for me, I started crossing streets without looking for cars.

Strike one.

June 2020

An author whose work I never particularily cared about has a twitter meltdown over language designed to include me. She cries about feeling dehumanized by being called a person. Shortly thereafter she writes a full manifesto justifying her TERF sympathies. But this doesn't look like the typical TERF rant. While she goes over some very classic and violent TERF rhetoric like calling trans women predators, she spends even more words on regurgitating the rhetoric I knew from more than a year before. Some people sound the alarm about what this might mean for trans men, but they're shut down - TERFs don't hate trans men! Look, she said she included you! Just don't think too much about the fact that the reason this happened to begin with was that she threw a hissy fit over having to include me.

I try to rationalize this response again - this is many people's first exposure to this rhetoric, they just might not know quite what to make of it.

Strike two.

Summer 2020

A book is published once again rife with the rhetoric I was now very familiar with. The author is invited to the biggest podcast in the world where she says word salad about how people like me are women with unresolved body image issues and that's why we transition - T redistributes fat storage, that must sound awesome to women who hate their bodies. Just don't think too hard about how T actually allocates more fat to the stomach and how a woman with body image issues would realistically react to such a development.

The book itself is also vile. It misgenders trans men whose lives were lost to hate crimes. It fetishizes my reproductive organs, claiming that maintaining my fertility is more important than my wellbeing. I'm reduced to a breeding stock, what a shockingly feminist move.

It openly hates trans men who are out and proud with their experiences, it accuses them of stealing their children in a manner not unlike how autism parents talk about autism. But this might be worse - these are individuals who are being blamed. It makes uncomfortable remarks about their bodies and many of them are harrassed following the publication of this book.

At this point you have to stretch ridiculously far to claim that this isn't about hating trans men. I gave the people who should've been there for me the benefit of the doubt, and they proved me wrong. "Who do you think she believes is doing the seducing? It's trans women" I actually paid attention and she clearly blames trans men, why are you being this willfully ignorant? Does acknowledging the truth force you to reconsider your worldview?

Strike three.

That's when I ran out of patience. I realized the larger trans community was incapable of handling my issues with any tact or grace. We needed new terminology and rhetoric to address this emerging reactionary movement that specifically and obviously hates me and my brothers. And I refuse to back down now.

[marigoldwitch]

Okay — I have some beef with the newest internet thing to make people mad — Trauma Dumping

I just read this article about it, because I truly had no idea what “trauma dumping” was (but I could assume by the name), and I don’t get it. You make a video about having an ED. Other people with EDs see the video and comment their own experiences with having an ED. That’s…. that’s how sharing is suppose to work.

"While the videos are already addressing these darker topics, it doesn’t ask for thousands of people to dump all their trauma and triggering anecdotes in the comments.”

I feel like it could be consider ablest. A lot of ND people use similar experiences to connect with others. I could argue the very phrase “trauma dumping” is classist too. How fucking condescending is it to say something like “It’s very concerning that people would rather drop all their heavy, negative thoughts in the comments of a stranger’s video rather than seek out help so they can deal with it in a healthy manner.” Okay, let us all use our universal health ca— oh wait, we don’t have that option.

The article goes on to talk about something not at all related to the idea of “trauma dumping” and that’s just being “mean” ( or using sarcasm but people can’t always detect tone in text) to people for no reason.

— Now my thoughts on what Trauma Dumping could mean if people on the internet would stop watering down shit (gaslighting has become a watered down version of what it actually means) —

A friend who keeps coming to you only to dump their trauma onto you but never actually trying to make a connection with you or spend time with you outside of their own interests of helping themselves or making themselves feel better.

A person who knows your boundaries related to trauma discussions but they keep crossing those boundaries anyways despite you reminding them repeatedly not to.

A person with privilege or statues using their own personal trauma to delegitimize the OP's trauma or using it as a weapon to undervalue the OP's experiences.

Final Thoughts

I think if you're making content related to specific trauma you should expect, to some degree, it will connect with and reach people who share a similar experience. And it's not uncommon for people to share their own stories because they think it helps give them legitimacy when they say things like "I completely understand" or "I've been there too and I know what you're feeling."

[tallysgreatestfan]

A updated list of ableists I encountered

A while ago I published a list of ableists I encountered here, because I saw a lot of lists go around against transphobes or racists but not about ableists.

Now its a few months later, so of course the list grew longer.

Note that most of these are people from fandom, just because that is how I spent the mayority of my internet time with. Also most of it is about how they are about neurodivergent people, because I am neurodivergent but able-bodied. Feel free to add if you had the displeasure of meeting any others

Ones who were on the list already last time:

7upofficial (TERF, literally claims that all trans people are mentally ill and that all mentally ill and otherwise disabled people should be institutionalized, repeatedly harassed not only trans people but also disabled people)

revelation1310 (TERF and ableist, weaponizes DID and other mental illnesses for their ideology)

straggots

furiousgoldfish (believes in eugenics against cluster-B personality disorders)

cats-and-moss-and-gays (TERF, claims autistic people are not capable of knowing their own gender and are mislead by the evil, evil queers)

imperceptblethot

hotsharkgirl2000

vidar-inn-draumspaki (TERF, weaponizes trauma and DID against trans people)

tockthewatchdog (TERF and eugenist)

erikkillmongerdontpullout (claims nds special interests aka fandom has to stop existing for a leftish, equal society)

cultistoftheflesh

Additions:

porko-rosso

thecoloredcanvas (supports Autism Speaks, is for eugenics, Autism Mom TM supporter, gaslights actual autistic people about their experiences and their diagnosis)

hotmintgum (mocks and makes jokes about hyperfixations)

cakelife2021 (harasses people with personality disorders)

i-would-like-to-rant

capacity

that-anglophile

twinks-rights-activist (harasses autistic people)

shae-in-a-box  (claims autistic people can’t decide good from wrong or anything for themselves)

floffyme (hates person for autistic traits and jokes about murdering her or her killing herself)

chaosbeautiful (enjoys a abled woman using a disabled mans disability to bully him into submission)

emeryw

hell-aint-a-bad-place (calls a autistic woman the r-slur)

evanisamarxistleninist (claims all mental illnesses are made up)

anscathmarcach (harasses people with personality disorders, also right wing and Christian fundamentalist)

ninjadragonx (anti vaxxer, calls disabled people slurs)

emberwritesinsight

nerdylilpeebee (victim blamer)

saintofpride201 (victim blames disabled woman, says leashing and dehumanizing her is not abusive)

space-finally (victim blames disabled woman, says leashing and dehumanizing her is not abusive)

sunshowerr (calls people ableist slurs)

panicatthe21falloutromance (whines about autistic character being morally grey)

[shaibtheherbanlegend777]

I feel like it's time to move tbh I feel like I learned what I needed coming back here and to see how things are changing... No... How I changed nd seeing people who I thought I knew for what they truly are it's time I left I'm overstaying my welcome I know there's something better for me out there and I know I deserve better than what I've been through the past 6 to 7 years or even longer than that bt I can feel it's time nd I know divine timing is at work and I thank my ancestors the higher powers that be for helping me realize things and bring me to a point of healing and to recognize who I am not the projections, the gaslighting ppl tried to put on me and ik I've been around some manipulators nd narcissistic tendency ppl nd to them I move on bt I pray to heal while thanking them for playing their roles

I'm just glad for where I'm going towards and having faith in myself nd the universe and not letting these experience makeshift my mentality and reality bt to be better from it

To anyone going through a similar position or feel like your going thru hell I'm here to say I've been there though I don't know your pains and experience it's not forever, feel it out however you can bt always remember who u are and always have been through you not by me nor the outside world and it is gonna get better don't believe me bt in yourself for being strong and the amazing being you are and whatever happens it'll be alright which ik is the same for me.

We're stepping out the dark age and into a brighter times just watch it's gonna be to the point where u come to see the beauty in life again as well as within ourselves

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ppl be like "Magnus can't have flaws??! How dare you say nice things about him?!??" sometimes. All of Magnus' characteristics that we use to describe him are Canon but ppl act like we're making his personality up??? Saw someone tag a post abt ppl only making up personalities for guys nd not girls with his name as if he wasn't a main and didn't have his own story+background. It was made worse as they tagged the same post with damon Salvatore nd now I feel sick.

Book!magnus isn't flawed he's a straight up asshole. Ppl like to say he's better than show!magnus because of his dick ways and I'm just like: ????. Show!Magnus does have flaws idiots just lack the critical thinking to find them!

idk who damon salvatore is (i mean im vaguely aware hes from that vampire diaries thing but i know nothing beyond that) but otherwise i agree with u (also, ppl got a lot of nerve putting a coc in a list like that like being a moc means being treated even slightly the same way as a white man lmao. i mean yeah sure hes still got male privilege but are you serious? fandom treating a coc like he deserves nuance and well thought out headcanons and love and attention? wish i lived in that world)

what rlly drives me crazy about this whole "magnus is allowed to have flaws" thing is that like, yeah, he sure is! especially because poc are never allowed to be even the slightest bit human, much less flawed, without people getting up in arms about it. magnus' got plenty of flaws! he's stubborn, he's self sacrificial, he hides his feelings from others, he pushes ppl away when they get too close to his vulnerabilities, he has a tendency to simply Decide what other ppl want or need (like with alec and that whole moving to idris thing), he is impulsive, and a lot of other shit

and it's exactly those flaws that draw me to him, honestly! like i talk about how kind and caring he is all the time, and that is true, but i know that this is, at least partially, him feeling like he needs to be useful to be loved, and erasing himself/defining himself by what he can do for others, which is the same trait that leads him to act in all these ways i mentioned above. it's why i relate to him! it's why i love him! magnus isn't perfect, he is good, a good person, and there's a difference

which is the point i have been wanting to make when i started writing this answer because like. what drives me crazy the most is how those dark magnus stans or whatever love to say that they write him as an evil person who literally enjoys hurting others (like im sorry but have you watched the show?) because he's "allowed to have flaws". usually the same ppl who keep being like "i write my relationships realistically!" and when u check out their fics, it's like, literally abuse. like straight up physical violence and manipulation and gaslighting. and. that's not being realistic, girl! that's normalizing abuse

and it's one thing if this is a dark fic and its supposed to be bad or whatever and u just want to explore that, god knows i write about abuse all the damn time. its another to be like "actually if ppl arent like that its not realistic and ur writing them as perfect uwu beans and u have no nuance and are a bad writer". cuz honestly, if u think "having flaws" is being straight up abusive, and that it's "unrealistic" otherwise, then that tells me all i need to know about how u live ur relationships. if u think its literally impossible to exist in the real world without abusing others then i dont want to have shit to do with u, buddy

(and im not even saying that from just a logical standpoint but also from experience because ive had exes and ex friends who used this whole "actually humans are naturally selfish and dont care about others and enjoy hurting others it's human nature" rethoric [and the whole "realistic" thing is really just that except applied to fiction] and surprise! they were all abusive! either to me or other ppl i knew, usually both)

and it's not unrealistic to be kind and care about others! on the contrary, it's a very normal and natural human trait. so miss me with that "either ur character literally enjoys torturing other ppl or he's being written as perfect" shit. which of course gains particularly strong tones when ppl r writing coc, esp moc. like no one insists that if alec doesn't feel literal pleasure hurting others then that's unrealistic and ppl r making his personality up and treating him like he's perfect. i wonder why 🙄

like the bar for "being written realistically" for white ppl is having flaws, for poc it's being straight up cruel

miss me with that shit! magnus is kind, he is selfless, he is caring, he is willing to do anything to help others, he is loving beyond anything else even after all his trauma! and yes, he is still flawed and realistic, and no, he is not an innocent baby. if he were i wouldn't be into it because i don't want a character who's kind because he doesn't know better, i want a character who's kind because they choose to. nothing could possibly be more boring to me than a character who's nice and unaware that other ppl might be assholes, i want characters who know exactly how terrible other people can be, who have experienced it firsthand, but who are still kind because that's who they are and what they believe in. and that's magnus! he knows perfectly well how full of horrors the world is, how sometimes there is no right choice, how sometimes u need to make sacrifices, how some people are really selfish and cruel and he's even been used by those specifically because he's too kind of selfless. he just chooses to still be kind and selfless anyway

if you could never, that's not my problem, or his writing's lol

[thechangeling]

I dont think you understand how much it means to me to hear that because it does

You know it sucks when you think youre just being overdramatic, and hell sometimes i still think im being over dramatic over him

But god it sucks and dont even get me started on his other latino characters

I think @eugeniaslongsword has said enough about the brazilian character and i LOVE their takes so

Im not talking about reyna here if not ill cry i think ill dm you about it youre ok with it

So yeah

Everyone should get to see themselves in a character and this and Enrique from gilded wolves are mine

Look i was tired of being stereotyped as dumb and even if im more humanities inclined Leo was brilliant and still made the same mistakes i made and that just

It touched me

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND SORRY FOR OVER APOLOGIZING I JUST APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING

Don't worry about it. And yeah I know how much it sucks to feel like you're overreacting about something because everyone else is saying it doesnt matter. I think that's a pretty common nd experience, gaslighting.

I also heard someone on youtube who made this video game analysis that I really liked, describe gaslighting as one of the essential components of racism. And that's what every fan of Cassandra Clare does everytime they try and say "it's not that big of a deal!" In response to the golden eyes and the gray flecks and what not.

Acting like a person is ridiculous for being angry and has nothing to be angry about is gaslighting.

The same thing happened to be about a year ago when I posted an analysis on the ending of QOAAD and the situation between Kit and Ty. I tried to explain the trauma of constantly being played and lied to and abandoned and I even pulled real examples from my own life. I was trying to explain why Kit's actions were so harmful and I was worried about Ty.

The responses I got made me lose faith in this fandom. So much gaslighting!!! So much defending Kit and telling me I was projecting. As if collective trauma isn't a thing? As if the conversations I have with angry autistic people online and irl don't all sound more or less the same??? Like it's not the same shit?? Because it is.

People were more concerned with defending Kit then actually acknowledging half of what I was saying and asking me if I was ok??

It really messed me up.

I will always listen to anyone who comes to me with a complaint that something is racist or ableist, or homophobic etc. in any fandom. I promise.

In terms of stereotypes it's funny because I feel like the ADHD and autism stereotypes are flipped. Like I would kill for an autistic character that isn't smart and sucks at school because that's me!! I would also kill for an autistic character that was super flirty..but alas.

It sucks. And don't worry about apologizing. I do that to.

[ineffectualdemon]

Ok, seriously, if you apply that understanding of ND people rigidly - that we will absolutely obey any rule we understand, you're in for a world of pain if you meet anyone (like, IDK, me, but I'm playing nice rn) with pathological demand avoidance. You'll also be invalidating all of our experience, and adding to the trauma and gaslighting we suffer.. so please question that entire concept, it causes harm. Some ND's rigidly break rules, because we need to.

Okay 1. You're making a lot of assumptions about me. I have trauma around rules and not knowing what they are or if I'm meeting them. You know fuck all about me and my history don't talk like you do

2. I said "rules they understand the reason for" and by understand I mean in a ND way of "this rule is sensible to me and I like it and think it's obvious and correct" which includes their own personal rules that they apply to life that NT people won't understand

Like I have to eat my food in a particular order based on what goes cold first and NT people are baffled by that and I'm silently judging them for not doing it. Rules don't necessarily meant "NT rules"

3. My original post was not actually meant to be a be and end all or even all that serious. It was meant to be more tongue in cheek self deprecating almost shitpost then anything. I was laughing at something me, my husband, and our kid do that has been a source of trauma and stress for me in the past but I'm choosing to laugh at that part of me because that's how I deal with my trauma

If you don't like it you can get off my blog

[rudjedet]

hey, im curious- have you ever heard about that kid who says he’s a reincarnation of someone who lived on mars once? its a really freaky case but one of the odd things about it is he said like. near one of the ears of the sphinx’ that theres a little carved out spot with a stone in it, and once you move the stone, theres a switch behind it that apparently like. will give humankind access to ancient knowledge and stuff- did you ever hear about this-? the kids name is boriska kipriyanovich. hes apparently a genius and stuff, its a little freaky tbh-

Okay this is me just spitballing and armchair-diagnosing ofc, but I looked him up since I hadn’t heard about him, and based on what his parents allege about him and the fact that he used the term “Indigo Children”, plus his insistence he’s not actually human, I think he may be autistic and is projecting knowledge from his special interest back onto himself. Pretending to be or feeling non-human is commonly seen in autistics/ND folk, because NTs gaslight us and how we experience the world to hell and back. The other option, which doesn’t exclude autism, is that his parents are pushing the “you’re so special” narrative onto him. “Indigo children” and the related “HSP” are terms often used by people who have internalised ableism/autistic hate. “Ah! But I am/my kid is special”, they say, “I/he can’t be autistic, because autistic kids are just sad”.

Obviously what he says about the sphinx is incorrect. We did map the sphinx and didn’t find any switches that may or may not give humanity access to the sum of ancient knowledge. 

[fierceawakening]

I think most of the people participating in the empathy discourse now agree with a lot of the same principles and are simply interpreting words differently. For example, I don't hear "NTs love you until you show symptoms" as excusing abusive behavior related to symptoms, but I agree with you about the right to stop associating with people who make you unhappy. It sounds like the beginning of the empathy discussion was very different, though, and I missed some key context.

Yeah, the beginning of ot FROM MY PERSPECTIVE was:

Popular blogger is popular. Popular blogger claims, at various times, to be autistic, antisocial, or both. Popular blogger frequently asserts that low empathy people are better than high empathy people at some things. One of these according to them is listening to people’s trauma stories. Another is performing surgery. These things interact badly with me personally because some of my worst memories are a. Of my surgeries and b. Of talking to helping professionals who responded in ways that seemed cold and disconnected to me.

Popular blogger also says and does some things I don’t like. Some I’ve seen, some I’ve heard about from sources I consider reliable. I’m upset but don’t believe in callouts and also get the sense there will be pushback.

So, when popular blogger posts “high empathy people have no empathy for Low empathy people,” I post a link (not a reblog) and say “this is the kind of thing I find really creepy.” Despite that I didn’t reblog, and rather linked so it would be harder to find, popular blogger’s friends see it. In a very short amount of time, as is wont to occur with internet kerfuffles, I am flooded with people who are angry I called an ND person creepy and furthered stigma. Part of this involves attempts to explain why low empathy is not bad.

I am very confused by this having read several books a few years before on sociopathy, all of which assert that sociopaths tend to con people and not feel bad about it. (I read these books after having become close online with someone who turned out to be a child abuser and a seemingly totally remorseless one. (“I didn’t feel like changing his diaper,” said the news article about the arrest. “I felt like playing video games.”))

I was horrified I’d been taken in by such a person and wanted to know what had happened. I read books on sociopaths not because I was sure this was one but because I knew I’d heard they tend not to act like they care about people or mind having hurt them. My books talked about lack of empathy as being a big factor in this sort of thing.

So seeing all kinds of arguments ths5 lack of empathy is a neutral variation and I was the immoral one for saying otherwise, I reread the books. They still seemed convincing to me, so I began to quote them, explaining why they 1) associated sociopathy, including the trait of lacking empathy, with repeated immoral behavior and 2) recommended avoiding sociopaths. (Avoiding here meant, generally, “don’t date them.” Rather than “never say hello to them” or “ban them from the food bank.”)

This got me accused of ableism, and got several people I thought I was friends with saying they’d never seen this judgmental part of my personality. It was a very weird experience and came off very much feeling like “don’t even write off confirmed child abusers if you don’t want to be called a bigot.”

This baffled me and upset me greatly, esp. as child abuse is my biggest trigger, so periodically when I woudl see comments about how good moral behavior is associated with empathy I would post links. To me it felt like countering gaslighting/clarifying my own thoughts, but to other people it felt like the same attack.

Then some people got tired of me posting about it at all and liked to nitpick about THAT.

I feel... kinda done with my research on sociopathy? But I can’t promise to never talk about it. There’s still a part of me that’s horrified an unrepentant child abuser (whose child, fwiw, is autistic) targeted me as their victim and I didn’t stop them, and that’s still thinking through what that meant.

And part of what I’m thinking through is “how does a parent disregard their own child?” and there’s part of me that wonders still if lack of emotional response is part of it. So while I know seeing me type about it upsets some others, I’m not sure I can promise I’ll stop wondering about it.

Which means I can’t promise I’ll stop TALKING about it, either.