#how am i supposed to stay asexual in these conditions

[marlenacantswim]

he's so fine, and For What

FOR WHAT?!!?!!???!?

[yasminbenoit]

“A Romantic Partner Won’t Complete Me, Because I Was Born Complete”: How Identifying As Asexual & Aromantic Brought Me True Freedom & Happiness | Yasmin Benoit for British Vogue

There is a phase in our lives where everyone seems asexual and almost everyone seems aromantic. It wasn't until puberty kicked in that platonic relationships seemed to take a backseat. My peers stopped wanting to play together and started wanting to 'date' each other. That was when I started to realise that there was something different about me. I didn’t seem to be experiencing the same urges as those I was around. I chose to go to an all girls school in the hopes that – in the absence of boys – everyone would stop caring about sex and dating. It actually had the opposite effect. There was a sense of deprivation in the air and the heightened desire to project their sexuality onto anything and everything.  

Therefore, my lack of interest became even more obvious, and it became a not-so-fun game to work out the source of what should be troubling me, but hadn’t been until that point. Having a sexual orientation isn’t just natural, it’s essential. It’s part of being a fully-functional human being. And to be romantically love and be loved by another is the ultimate goal. It’s part of being normal, which made me both abnormal and puzzling. When your asexual, people think there’s something wrong with your body. When you’re aromantic, they think there’s something wrong with your soul. Even for a teenage girl who internalised all of Disney Channel’s “be yourself” messages, it’s never nice to have people publicly debate your supposed physical and psychological flaws.  

My nickname in school was “hollow and emotionless.” I was a joker with a decent amount of friends, but I was lacking something crucial, the kind of love that really mattered and the kind of lust that made life exciting...so I was practically Lord Voldemort with braids. I sat through the regular DIY sexuality tests, having my peers show me graphic sexual imagery, have very sexual conversations in my presence, and ask me inappropriately intimate questions to gauge how far gone I truly was. These tests lead to the development of theories, most centred around me having some kind of mental problem. After a while, you start to wonder if everyone knows something you don’t.

When they said that I must have been molested as a child and “broken” by the trauma, I wondered if I had somehow forgotten about sexual abuse that actually hadn’t happened. I looked at some of my own relatives with suspicion, the same people who would later ask me if I didn’t experience sexual attraction because I was a pedophile. It was suggested that I was “suffering” from my “issues” because I was socially anxious and insecure. The suggestion that my ‘issue’ was pathological stayed with me for a long time, but not as much as the widely accepted theory that I was mentally slow. Unfortunately, that one stuck. I was referred to as “stupid” and I started to believe that was the case. It would impact my experience in education for the next eight years, long after I realised that there was a word for what I was.

Asexual.

I first heard the word during one of the near-daily sexuality tests that I was subjected to. I was asked if I was gay, to which I said that I wasn’t interested in anybody like that – men or women. At fifteen, I was asked, “Maybe you’re asexual or something?” but it wasn’t quite a lightbulb moment. How could it be when I had never heard the word outside of biology class? After an evening of Google searching, I realised that there were many people with my exact same experience, complete strangers whose stories sounded so strangely similar to mine. I also stumbled across the word ‘aromantic,’ but at the time, I didn’t understand the need for it. "Wouldn't all asexual people be aromantic? A romantic relationship without sex is just friendship with rules,” I thought.

Either way, my discoveries showed me that I wasn’t alone, but that only half helpful. I now had an identity that no one had heard of or understood. Most didn’t believe that being asexual or aromantic was a real thing, and I doubted it to. I had been taught to after years of armchair pathologisation. If asexuality was real, why did no one tell you that being sexually attracted to nobody was an option? What if it was just an internet identity made up to comfort people with all of the issues that had been attributed to me? I didn’t have to go far down the rabbit hole to realise that asexuality, like many non-heteronormative identities, had been medicalised. What I had experienced as just the tip of the iceberg. As someone who hadn’t been prescribed drugs I didn’t need or subjected to unnecessary hormone tests, I was one of the lucky ones.

My activism would be my gateway to the community. Despite being the ugly friend at school, I ended up becoming a model while in university. I decided to use the platform I had gained through my career to raise awareness for asexuality and aromanticism. It gave me the opportunity to encounter a range of asexual and aromantic offline, it was then that I learned the significance of having an aromantic identity. There are many asexual people who still feel romantic attraction, as well as aromantic people who still feel sexual attraction. They have their own range of experiences, their own culture, their own flag, and like the asexual community, I was relieved to see that they are just normal people. These intersecting communities are not stereotypes. They weren’t just thirteen year old, pink haired kids making up identities on Tumblr to feel special. They were parents, lawyers, academics, husbands, girlfriends, artists, black, white, young, old, with differing feelings towards the many complex elements of sexuality and intimacy. Most importantly, they were happy.

I am proud to be part of both, and I know that while being asexual and aromantic, I am a complete person and I can live a perfectly fulfilling life. Since meeting members of my communities, I’ve become more open about my identities in real life, and a reaction I’m often met with is sympathy. “You must feel like you’re missing out,” “I can’t imagine being like that,” “It must be hard for your family,” “Do you worry no one will want you?” “How do you handle being so lonely?” “You’re so brave and strong,” “What will you do with your life now?” Even in 2021, a woman who isn’t romantically loved or sexually desired by their “special someone” is perceived as being afflicted with some kind of life-limiting condition.  

Asexuality doesn't make undesirable or unable to desire others. It is a unique experience of sexuality, not a deprivation from it. Even if it was, there is so much more to life than what turns us on and what we do about it. Romantic love is just one form of love, neither superior nor inferior to any other. Being aromantic doesn't mean that you can't love or be loved, it does not mean you are void of other emotions or capabilities. I am not lonely with my friends, family, co-workers and supporters. I feel confident not when someone wants to date me but when I meet my goals and form worthwhile connections with others. My success isn't determined by whether someone will want to marry me someday. What we want out of life is our decision alone, our sources of happiness should not be defined by our ever-changing, culturally relative social standards. The love of a romantic partner won't complete me because I was born complete. Feeling sexual attraction to others won't liberate me because my liberation is not dependent on other people.

Valentine's Day is on the horizon. It's an occasion that amps up the focus on (and the pressure to achieve) a very specific type of love and sexual expression, one that is actually alienating for people inside and outside of the asexual community. During a pandemic where many relationships have been strained, tested, formed or distanced, it's important to keep the diversity of romantic and sexual feelings in mind. Many expect me to feel annoyed or lonely during this time of year, but I actually feel empowered and excited by the way sex, romance and love are discussed more deeply around this time. These conversations are constantly expanding to become more inclusive for everyone, and that's what we need to see all year round.

https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/asexuality-and-aromanticism

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

[endysgirl]

Sailor Mars Birthday Tribute

I am so late on posting this but I just did not have time to edit. For Mars I wanted to talk about her 90s anime version and her much better manga version.

Let me start by laying my bias wide open. I never liked Sailor Mars. As a kid I thought she was unnecessarily mean. She was and still is my least favorite, besides ChibiMoon. She’s beautiful, and her powers and attacks are awesome. As for how she fits into the overall scheme of things, I have major issues with how the anime portrayed her compared to how Naoko intentioned her. Frankly, I can’t help but view 90s anime Rei as an imposter and I’ll explain why...

Ok, first let’s talk about 90’s anime-Rei. We know she’s very hard working, goes to an elite girls’s Catholic school and wants to be an independent career woman when she grows up. Yet, for some reason (*cough*patriarchy) she sees Mamoru in season one and thinks he’s perfect so she’s gotta have him. She embarrasses herself going all boy crazy over him (he literally steps on her head and just walks away) and he seems like a typical clueless dude who doesn’t realize she *likes* him. I relate hardcore to Mamoru here. She’s so thirsty and he is so not. Then fast forward to after Endymion gets taken and Rei slaps Usagi calling her a coward. It’s meant to be some great emotional scene that some fans latch on to. Yet, it’s not Rei’s slap that motivates Usagi. It just hurts her. Go watch it again (epi35); it’s the voice of Mask from her memory, gently and patiently encouraging her, as always, that she is strong and can fight that spurs Moon into action. We’ve seen over and over that Usagi responds to patient encouragement over violence, just like when she does when she faces the baddest villains. Yet, the 90s anime always has Rei cutting her down. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just the patriarchy at work, trying to convince young girls that the boy or girl who’s mean to you really does care about you. It’s toxic and just plain stupid.

Now, am I saying 90s anime Rei doesn’t really care about Usagi? No. Not at all. She’s her Senshi and they share the same heart and the same dream to protect those they love together. Of course she loves Usagi. My issue is how the 90s anime portrays that dynamic. It’s spreading toxicity within female friendships and trying to sell it as genuine. I also understand that Mars’s fiery personality is what a lot of her fans love about her. I’m not saying that’s bad either, even if it’s an inaccurate representation of the character Naoko created. Apparently, it was Ikuhara that wanted the anime to change her cold and aloof personality to “fiery”. To perpetuate the patriarchal tropes I’ve mentioned, the anime tried to paint her as Usagi’s bff of the group, usurping Minako’s place. In the manga, Minako is the Leader of the Senshi and the one closest to Usagi in personality and in her role as the Leader of Serenity’s guards. Yet the anime is constantly trying to make Mars the one that is extra special to Usagi. Case in point, at the end of Stars the first voice we hear address Eternal Moon after she defeats Galaxia is Rei but in the manga, Usagi is drawn hugging Minako first. These little moments bother me, probably a little too much.

Then there’s the love triangle they tried to created with her and Mamoru. Fucking kill me. The love triangle garbage is just typical, patriarchal tropism within the storyline that has no place in the SM story in regards to Mars. Let’s make two friends like the same dude bc that’s drama that people have been conditioned to enjoy. It’s lame as far as I’m concerned. Let’s take a moment to remember the random, stupid and pointless scene in the curry episode where ChibiUsa and Mamoru run into Rei and after a moment of awkwardness they decide to go find Usagi together. Tell me that’s not the patriarchy trying to validate one woman’s place by using another woman as comparison instead of letting her stand on her own. 😒 And they’re trying to backtrack on the whole Rei liking Mamoru episode. This isn’t Rei’s fault obviously, I’m just using this scene to explicate why I don’t like the dynamic the anime created, and why that makes Mars a difficult one for me to get excited about.

There’s no way you can convince me that Mars’s bitchiness wasn’t a direct result of a “male perspective” (as Naoko called it). The idea that female bffs bully each other and cat fight all the time is ludicrous. As a 32yo woman (and lifelong Moonie) with a tight circle of girlfriends, there isn’t a single one of us who would tolerate such toxicity from the other, even at 14yo. It just isn’t realistic, unless it’s a bad relationship. I’ll give the anime credit for getting one thing right - her bravery. In both the manga and the anime, Mars is fearless. She charges into battle and gives it her all. She doesn’t let any doubt get in her way. She does not hesitate or dwell on self-doubt. And that alone is reason enough to love her.

Now, let’s discuss Manga-Rei. Because Adult-Moonie-Me LOVES manga-Mars. She actually appears in Codename Sailor V outside the arcade. She says the atmosphere is “disquieting” and leaves. In the manga, she’s very quiet and reserved. There is no bickering or cat fighting between her and Usagi. She’s also probably the most objectively beautiful of the Inners. She’s suppose to be “slender”, with long black hair and brown eyes which are sometimes seen as purple. When Usagi first sees her on the bus, she thinks she’s soooo beautiful. And another time, when they’re at the beach/pool, guys keep buying Rei drinks but she’s not flirting or giving them any attention, bc she is not boy crazy. Sis is enjoying those drinks tho.

Her awakening in the manga is very similar to the anime with the exception that’s she sees a premonition of Usagi and Jadeite that makes her go find the bus. Like the other Senshi, she is drawn to Usagi.

In her manga profile, her dislikes are television, modern society (the anime has her immersed in pop culture, going so far as to make her write her own songs and dance at the school festival), canned asparagus and men. It’s implied that she doesn’t like men or care for them bc of her father. He never had time for her and she doesn’t have a good relationship with him. Plus in a short story, she has a guy she likes but he chooses to follow her father’s footsteps into politics. So she kisses him and is like, boy, bye. ✌🏽 She considers men emotionally weak, untrustworthy and is generally disinterested in them, even if they’re buying her drinks and fawning over her. Same, Sis.

She is described as beautiful and “reserved”, but “scary” when she’s angry. She so beautiful that when Mamoru’s underclassman, Asanuma, sees her, he thinks she would be the perfect girlfriend for Mamoru (who Asanuma thinks is perfect) and that she should be Mamoru’s ideal type. He’s really surprised that Usagi is so *ordinary*.

Rei has strong precognition and has an affinity to fire. Ironically, there is nothing in Shintoism about fire reading, so that must just be a shoutout to the Greek influence on the manga. I love her psychic abilities in both the anime and the manga. Random fun fact: Naoko worked at a Shinto temple for a while before or maybe during college.

Mars is one of the only Senshi, like Michiru, who can use an item as an attack in her civilian and Senshi form. Her “ofuda” (Shinto talismans) are powerful enough to disperse evil and make regular people faint (remember anime epi w/Unazuki’s mouth getting sealed and in the manga/crystal she accidentally “purifies” Usagi, causing her to faint). Mikos (shrine maidens) are known to use archery attacks, so civilian Rei was already proficient in archery before awakening as Mars. Also, just like Jupiter’s earrings stay on her when she transforms, Mars is always wearing a pendant and when she transforms, it attaches at the waist to her fuku.

Mars also, uniquely, has her own guardians: the Crows, Phobos and Deimos. In the anime, the crows never take human form as they do in the manga. In the Dead Moon arc, Jupiter and Mercury power up by speaking with their inner consciousness. But Mars powers up by speaking with the human forms of her crows. This is a great moment in the manga bc Phobos and Deimos basically tell Rei that’s it’s ok to not want or desire men and marriage. She is the asexual goddess everyone overlooks and I love this aspect to her personality. The Crows are the ones to give her the Mars Crystal which is her starseed. We also find out here that Mars pledged a vow of Chastity to Serenity in the SilMill. They don’t explain the reasons behind the vow, but considering Rei’s spirituality and serious conservatism, it’s understandable. Also, while Phobos and Deimos are named after the moons on Mars, in the Stars Arc it’s revealed that they’re from the Coronis and were acquainted with Sailor Lead Crow.

For the most part, Rei in the manga seems more boring than Rei in the 90s anime, but personally, I don’t think so. Reading the manga in middle school and seeing a female not *give*a*fuck* about marriage was awesome to me. She’s also kinder and she has far more respect for Usagi. She’s extremely popular at her school and has her own fan club. She carries herself with a certain dignity that reminds me of Michiru. She’s second in command after Venus. And let me end this by saying that Crystal gave Rei justice, and for that I am happy.

Happy Birthday, Mars! 🔥 🌙 ⭐️

P. S. Check out Allison Yarrow’s book “90’s Bitch: Media, Culture and the Failed Promise of Gender Equality” for more detailed analysis on how women in the 90s who wanted to have a home and a career got turned into the bitchy boss, bitchy girlfriend or bitchy best friend to subvert their quest for gender equality. I think Rei is the perfect example of this narrative. Especially when you consider men changed her nature in the anime from what her female creator intended for her. Also, check out the podcast on it https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unladylike/id1333193523?i=1000432317654 (podcast name: Unladylike episode 45. how to free the 90s Bitch)

Thanks for reading all this you wonderful Moonies!!!

[janeamidala]

And she did it again. @touch-the-exoplanets, has written something that made my knees weak and my eyes wet and I want to hug you so freaking bad right now. 

Please, if you haven’t already - go and read her masterwork. She does the god’s work in (alloromantic) asexual representation in fanfiction on AO3. <3 Go there and give her all the kudos you can give.

1. An interpretation of touch - I, too, avoid touching people. I know that it’s partially because I don’t trust people. However, I’ve noticed that (with my crushes) I like touching. I like to touch people I like/love (not only romantically). And I always do it not thinking it could be interpretated as sexual. I have strong sensual attraction to people I am comfortable with but in no case I view it and do it in a sexual matter. And the moment I discovered that it can be viewed in this way, I restrain myself from doing that. “Would they think I wanna sleep with them?” always crosses my mind. Beautifully put. 

The scene in the theatre?! MAGIC! I remember feeling this way when M touched my cheek for the first time - the gentleness, the safety, the love shining bright, my surprise at why does it feel different with him. I LOVE THIS. So perfectly depicted the confusion when this happens for the first time. 

2.  “there’s no way he’ll know how he feels about it until it happens” - why is it important? Because I think that that’s how I feel about sex. That’s why I don’t want to say never to having sex (under very specific conditions). I don’t know how my body will react. Before, I thought it would be as exciting as in the films or books and when it wasn’t it left me confused. Maybe it was the reason I realise my aceness later in my life. Because, until 21 I have never been kissed or touched sexually. And I thought that it would be as with everyone else. It wasn’t. My body/instincts weren’t the same and it was the first time I realised that something is not entirely right. 

So, I don’t know how far I could go with SO with the sex stuff. But I need to know when I say “stop” or “no” they would stop and respect my boundaries. And that with my trust issues is a big no. Thus, I always say “no” firstly and see how it goes. (for now, it stays at “no”). I think it’s important to know that some people really don’t know their reactions until the situation occurs. And I feel the same. Am I repulsed only with strangers? Or am does my repulsion applies on romantic interests as well? I don’t know. I haven’t had the chance to try this theory out, maybe I never will. 

- overanalyzing your reaction= I think the most important quote of the whole fic and the reason I finally realised I was ace 3 years ago “Lan Zhan sometimes has difficulty differentiating between how he wants to feel and how he actually does feel. “ I want so bad to feel sexual attraction. You have no idea how much I want it. And it hit me then like a ton of bricks when I didn’t feel like I knew I was supposed to. And it is exactly this difference that helped me to say - I am not straight. 

-kiss= as someone who is kiss-indifferent (I really don’t feel anything while kissing) my heart stopped when they were about to kiss “ah, yes, here comes the part I can’t relate to” but then BOOM. It was only a peck and my heart soared. And even though I don’t mind kissing (unless it’s french kissing, that’s no-go), it feels important to point out that there are people who DON’T like it. At least on the mouth. 

3. A big applause for the communication between the couple - I mean, the real conversation about how the relationship should work, it’s something else. Does it look like this in real life? I don’t have the experience (which is my fault, too because I can’t voice myself well). 

4. The small romantic gestures - in the first pic was a hand kiss (still recovering btw), and now eyelashes and making wish? My heart. You are killing me!!!!! (please continue) the scarf? I mean, giiiirrrl, my alloromantic heart, that’s the highest effort you can give someone you love. Bringing food?! Do you seriously have to go there? This is a direct attack on me. <3 The last part?! God, that was so cute and fluffy and omg, I can’t properly function. 

5. “There’s nothing quite as comforting as the steady stream of Wei Ying’s words, tumbling and flowing and expecting nothing of him.“ - There is nothing more peaceful when you don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not. I have it with so little amount of people. Don’t take it the wrong way. I love my allosexual friends (real and online) but there are things we cannot talk about and the hole shows every now and then. Same as with aromantic people - I love them but the alloromantic side of me is repressed to the limit as well as theirs. This fic perfectly sums up the peace I feel when I see alloromantic asexual representation. And also it points out the mixed feeling when I write to my crush. He accepts me (to some extent) but I feel like not enough for him because of the things he wants and needs and cannot be given by me. The exhale is definitely something I want to achieve in the future - with him or someone else (platonic or not) 

Overall, this part reminded me of a saying that you will be enough for a person who is meant for you (all you difficulties won’t be problem no matter how big or unsual). It would be a piece of cake for them. And I find it so beautiful and sad (for me) at the same time. Did I cry? A little, yes. 

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 2

Whatup! I’m serving you guys this chapter via queue bc I’m snowed in here on the east coast and probably at this point have no power knowing my powerlines lmao ty @ tumblr for having queues

Tags for Chapter: fluff, themes of depression

Words for Chapter: ~2.6k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3 link)

<-- Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

Three days later, Dan was walking down the street, uniform on and not too far from the front door of his flat.

He already wanted to go back inside.

The first day had been the worst. Dan hadn't eaten, hadn't showered, hadn't even gotten out of bed. He hadn't had anywhere to be besides work, and with him texting Jaime the night before that he wasn't going to be coming in, he was off the hook as well from that societal obligation.

Not that he would have been able to even get there if he hadn't.

Dan had awoken deep into that well of darkness that he knew so well that morning. And he had known, could feel it that night before, that upon the lifting of his eyelids nothing was going to get done. And he was right.

The whole day was a blur really, an unidentified mass of time that consisted of nothing but Dan's rapid thoughts and crushing numbness.

The second day was better, if only slightly. He had dug himself out from under the weight of depression enough for him to choke down a piece of toast. He had even had a few sips of water, ending up taking the nearly-still-full glass back with him to his bedroom. The glass found itself on his nightstand, and Dan back under the comfort of his duvet. He slept some, exhausted beyond belief. By the end of the day Dan had sipped from the glass a few more times, and he even got himself up a few hours after the sun had gone down to struggle through a few crisps.

This morning, Dan was better than he had been, though he still wasn't perfect. It had still taken him close to half an hour to manage to stand and exit his cocoon of warmth. He had still been overly weak and undermotivated. He had still just stood there in the shower for an undefined amount of time, staring off into space, the water streaming down his naked body. The shower brought some feeling back into his fingers, which had (predictably) become frigid like the rest of his body with the most recent depressive episode that Dan was working through. He had also ended up crying. Sobbing, in fact, big hiccuping breaths and choking on his own tears, curled up in a ball on the floor of the tub, knees hugged to his chest and his arms desperate for purchase on his own body so he could hold himself together, releasing all of the emotions that he had lacked in the past few days, all of the anguish and sorrow and numb. The crying was the most productive thing he had actually done all day, and suspected that he probably will do all day.

But Dan was resigned to that. If he had cried, then he knew that he was almost out of under his depression's shadow. He was almost out of the lion's den.

Dan brought himself out of his head when he turned down a corner, one that was particularly more striking than normal. Dan's head throbbed as if his concussion remembered the incident with a pretty stranger well, too. His grimace of dull pain was partially hidden by his face turned to the ground. He should probably look up, seeing that walking like this was what got him a splitting headache in the first place. Well. He should. Just like he should have done a lot of things. Oops.

Dan's head hasn't gotten much better. Maybe a tad less throb-y. Maybe. He hoped that Jaime would go easy on him; it already felt like his brain was seconds away from melting out of his ears.

It probably didn't help that he had been out of commission and unable to take care of himself at all.

Add that to Dan's list of "oops".

Just like the last time that he had taken this path, Dan let his thoughts wander and trusted his muscle memory to take him to the little coffee shop he worked at. He didn't even fully comprehend that he was opening the glass door and stepping inside, only vaguely registering the rush of warmth and the scent of coffee, that was how deep he was in his head.

"Daniel James Howell I swear to god, I'm going to kill you" a stern voice boomed. Dan had just enough time to look up to see Jaime vault the countertop before she was crashing into him, wrapping his entire body in a giant hug. Dan didn't know how she did it; she was so much smaller than his own giant frame.

She already smelled like a latte even if Dan knew that she would have only been here for less than half an hour at this point. The store hadn't even opened yet.

Dan wrapped his arms around her too, not even trying to be discreet at how he melted into her embrace, soaking up all of the contact.

It had been a lonely few days.

"Dan, look, I know that you struggle with stuff, I know, but Dan I'm your best friend and if you ever disappear off the face of the Earth again I will personally strangle you. Never do that again, please." she said, and with her on her tiptoes, the words were spoken right next to Dan's ear. He swallowed abruptly, a sudden lump forming. He knew that Jaime cared for him, but hearing just how much always fucked with him. Especially after such an emotionally draining past few days. He felt that if he tried to talk his words would come out distorted and shaky.

So Dan didn't say anything, just pulled Jaime closer, burying his head into her hair.

She didn't say anything about how she could have easily found him in his flat. She already knew that he didn't want her to help him.

She didn't say anything about how Dan had been ignoring her texts and calls. She already knew why.

She didn't say anything, for that matter, just hugging all of Dan's frayed pieces back together. She already knew that that was what he really needed.

They pulled away, slowly, but with smiles on their faces. Jaime looked behind her, frowning, muttering something to herself about "telling him to leave" and then she was shouting to the back of the store:

"Steve! You're off today! Go home!"

Dan's heart seized a little, admittingly at the mention of Steve. He was working today? No, hell no, there was no way that Dan would be able to handle Steve's blatant hate for him on top of recovering from a depressive episode.

But wait...Jaime was telling him to go home?

Dan turned to Jaime, no doubt confusion blatant on his face, but she was facing the counter at this point and didn't see him.

Steve emerged from the back, a brush of coffee grounds on his shirt. He first looked at Jaime, an infamous "are you kidding me?" on his lips, when he caught sight of Dan, and scowled.

"Are you kidding me?" There it was. "Why are you sending me home? You just called me this morning and asked me to fill in for him. Now he finally decides to show up and you tell me to leave?" He snapped, incredulous, eyebrows raised. Jaime glared at him fiercely.

"Yeah, I am. Dan was supposed to work today, not you. He's here now, so he can take over the shift he was supposed to work. You can have your day off like you were supposed to."

They continued to glare at one another, a stare off unfolding right before Dan's eyes. However, Steve was no match for Jaime (in any way, really) and he backed down, nodding and walking off to collect his jacket from the employee's lounge. He was back out in no time, visibly pissed off. He stalked out of the store, pushing past Dan as he did.

Dan, struggling as he was to handle the day already, just let it happen. He didn't want to deal with a confrontation. Scratch that, he couldn't deal with a confrontation. Not in this condition.

When the door closed and Steve was gone, Jaime cursed him out, telling him to go fuck himself in her mother tongue.

"Stronzo!" she finished with, continuing to glare at where Steve had exited the store. "I hate him so fucking much. If he wasn't the owner's nephew I would have fired him from from day one! He's insufferable!" She threw her hands up in the air, exasperated and annoyed. Dan didn't say anything. He didn't really have the energy to be angry today. Besides, Jaime was the one out of the two of them with the most negative interaction with Steve. She complained religiously about him to Dan (who was more than happy to listen and partake).

Huffing, Jaime walked over to the counter and started one of the many coffee machines to get a brew going in time for when they would open. She looked back at Dan, who saw the anger fade in her eyes and her whole posture soften.

"Dan, you look like hell warmed over. Come here; it was bad this time wasn't it?"

Dan nodded, making his way to her like she asked. She hummed her understanding. She didn't give him pity or sympathy, which he was grateful for. He didn't want to be pitied.

She stood on her tiptoes and ran a hand through his hair.

"You washed it, feels like, but you didn't straighten it; didn't have the energy?" Her tone wasn't accusatory, just soft and gentle, trying to figure out just how little Dan had looked after himself over the past few days. Dan once again shook his head no.

"Alright, go sit at a table, I'll be right over with two coffee's and a comb I'm almost certain I have in my bag."

Dan felt a bit like a little kid, and normally it would bother him a little, but he was still drained from the past few days and having someone take care of him felt good enough to override any ill feelings that small part of him may be having.

Soon enough, she slid into the corner booth Dan found himself in, two coffees as promised, a comb in her pocket, and a large pastry precariously balanced on top of the lid on one of the coffees.

"Here, one caramel macchiato, just how you like it, and your favorite pastry in our case—I'd bet every cent I have that you haven't eaten anything at least today, and you are not passing out on me if I have any hand in the matter. Scooch over."

So Dan sat in the booth, nursing his coffee and eating his pastry, reveling in the care Jaime was giving him, and letting the warm feelings blossom through his chest from his core out. He wasn't quite happy—it was too soon after a depressive episode for him to be happy—but he was close. And if he let a tear or two slip no one had to know.

Jaime made quick work of Dan's distressed hair, gently pulling the wild curls apart with her fingers and working out the smaller knots with the comb. Her fingers felt good running through Dan's hair, and she knew it, knew from the countless times that this scenario had been acted out by the two of them. Dan emotionally wrung out after sometimes days of hell and Jaime applying the bandages he received after his most recent battle.

When she was done, she handed him her phone so he could look at his reflection on the dark screen. His curls were full-out after a few days of not being dragged through a straightener, but they did in fact look a bit better than he remembered his curls last looking, and that was because of Jaime's skilled hands. The entire mop was pushed in his usual fringe's style, several waves of curls blending decently enough.

"I think that's the best I can do with just this comb and my fingers, but I think that it looks good. You look good with curls, Howell. They suit you."

Dan made a face.

"I'll stick to my emo fringe, thanks."

Jaime shrugged, but a grin was tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"I'm telling you; you're already handsome as hell, if you just adopt your natural curls, you'd be unstoppable. A force of attractiveness that no one would be able to resist. You'd have like, seven boyfriends."

Dan snorted before he could help himself, and for the first time in a while his thoughts stopped for a few moments. He didn't even notice their absence.

Jaime pulled him out of the booth and gulped down her coffee (no doubt with way too many shots of espresso, knowing Jaime) tossing the empty cup into the bin as they passed it. Dan helped her finish up the last of the prep-work they needed to accomplish before the opening of the store, dancing to the music she played on her phone.

The day was a slow one. Dan would stare off into space more than normal, every once in a while his thoughts haunting him. There were times in the day where he would feel as if a part of him was shattered, or all emotion would just be sucked out of him, but overall, things weren't too bad. The store wasn't too busy. It rained outside for a few hours, making all of the windows unreasonably steamy. On his lunch break, Dan ended up telling Jaime the story of how he quite literally ran into a stranger, hitting his head horribly on the pavement and possibly giving himself a concussion. Jaime asked him if he had gotten checked out, and when he said no, she berated him, calling him an idiot, and telling him that she was going to drag him to the nearest doctor to get him checked out the moment they were done their shifts.

Dan didn't even try to tell her that she didn't need to worry, that it was probably nothing, but he did smile at her concern.

"Daniel Howell, the bumbling buffoon that runs into strangers and doesn't get himself assessed afterwards—what am I going to do with you!"

And true to her word, when they had clocked out later that evening, she grabbed him by the arm and did in fact, have him get an evaluation. And—surprise surprise—he had a concussion. The doctor had shaken his head at Dan's anecdote on how he had injured himself and gave him a list of things to do and not to do to properly care for himself. Dan internally balked when he was told to try and avoid screens; he lived his whole life on the internet how would he be able to distance himself from it?

He was also told things that he should keep an eye out for to try and assess if his concussion was getting worse, because apparently these things could end up serious. Dan told Jaime what the doctor said after the appointment was over, but she had only linked their arms as they walked and nodded.

"Yes, Dan, concussions can end up bad. That's like, Basic Medicinal Knowledge 101. Now you know why I insisted on you getting checked out?"

"Well now, yeah. Maybe if you just, I don't know, explained yourself?" he jabbed, smirking.

She huffed.

"You're insufferable."

"You love me."

"A fanabla."

[mirajens]

boyfriend material

pairing: yukino/rogue/sting rating: t genre: humor found on ff.n and ao3 follow up to this

Which boyfriend do you take home to meet the parents when you have two?

"You what!"

Yukino almost winced at the twin exclamations of disbelief. Sting and Rogue stood before her wearing not much but the aggravation on their faces which would have been intimidating were she not accustomed to either state of undress or irritability. She twisted the hem of her dress and stared at the space where their shoulders touched. "It's not like I lied!" she said in her defense.

"You told your family," Rogue inhaled and held it until it swelled in his lungs. His face was still red. "That you have a boyfriend."

"Technically, I do." She replied, her voice small.

"Technically, you have two boyfriends." Sting pointed out. He looked less exasperated than their notoriously high blood pressure Rogue so it was him that Yukino looked to.

"Well, my family doesn't want to hear that. So they don't need to know." Conservative Catholic parents tended not to understand polyamory or any of its complex subcultures and what people did not understand, they vilified. Yukino would much rather avoid that. Nothing turned family gathering unpleasant faster than sex talk.

"Now you want one of us to go meet your parents?" Rogue's tart tone was back, just a little bit discomforting. "And just pretend the one who's not coming doesn't exist?"

Sting lit up like a bulb, his silly smile chasing warmth into Yukino's chest cavity. "I'm boyfriend material, right, Yukino? Straight girls ask me out all the time! I'll go with you. And besides," he snickered as his gaze slid towards Rogue. "Solano hates this guy."

At the reminder, Rogue colored and Yukino chuckled. "Supposing Sting does go with you, what does that make me? Chopped liver?"

"Very kind, considerate liver?" Yukino tried. Obviously things were not as grim as they initially seemed since Sting was smiling now. If it was two against one and the two happened to have the most adorable sets of puppy dog eyes, it probably wouldn't take much more.

"Nice try. I'll be going with you, Solano be damned. Sting doesn't make a very convincing straight person." Rogue slapped a hand on Sting's back. "No offense."

Yukino exhaled. It didn't matter much to her who came with her as long as one did. She never had any patience for her family's obsession about her love life since she couldn't imagine her father understanding how a sweet girl like her could have two boyfriends who were sort of full blown gay or how asexuality worked because "normal" girls her age answered to the call of lust. No, these things were best kept away from the Agria home. Yukino couldn't stand the idea of her family misunderstanding her sexuality and saying something that could hurt her. She was quite easily hurt, too.

"That works out. Sting might say something that would destroy all this effort." At Sting's sound of protest, Yukino grinned sheepishly. "No offense."

Sting huffed. "I don't think you guys understand this 'no offense' thing."

Yukino simpered, trying to be empathetic. "I am sorry we have to hide, but you know people don't really understand." And you know I really don't like explaining because I don't owe anyone an excuse for being myself.

The boys' features softened on queue. They had such fierce feelings for their girlfriend and hated seeing her so upset. "Now don't start acting like you're imposing on us. We love you." It was Rogue who spoke, and his easy confession which almost always never came so easy startled Yukino and Sting. Now it was them who shared expressions, both of their mouths forming a small O.

"He truly is boyfriend material," Sting remarked with an awed voice, so silly of him, just to thin out the air. It felt like a victory when Yukino smiled.

"We'll just have to make sure you don't grab my boob in front of my sister and you'll be good."

Rogue's neck went red. "How many times do I have to tell you it was an accident!"

So now, imagine the classic boyfriend-about-to-meet-the-family scenario straight out of every heterosexual romcom: Rogue in a dark dress shirt that Yukino had to properly iron for him, barely concealing his fidget and Yukino fussing with his collar beneath his outercoat since he somehow managed to rumple it during the fifty minute drive from their dorms.

"Stop, stop." Rogue hissed as his hands swat at Yukino's fingers buttoning up the shirt to the last suffocating button. "Chill out or this will be over before it begins."

Yukino clenched her hands into fists at her side. "That doesn't make me any less nervous, you know."

"Please, let's just get this over with. I'm already too hetlagged and its barely 12." Rogue began rapping the knuckles of his longest fingers on the door.

And of course it was Solano who answered. God was just a really funny dude that way.

The older Agria sister didn't even greet her beloved sister before aiming her biting look at Rogue. "I was hoping it was that blond one you hooked up with, sis."

Rogue almost scoffed and said 'fat chance' but he remained silent against the abuse. This was exactly why he was the better option than Sting. He had so much more self-control and a lesser likeliness to drag all the cats out of the bags. "It's nice to see you as well, Solano." He said back tartly. And since the farce wasn't progressing, he put a hand on Yukino's lower back to urge her forward.

Yukino grinned at her sister instead of saying anything and pushed inside. The door closed behind Rogue.

"Where are mom and dad?" Yukino asked as she removed her jacket.

"They're just about done cooking." Solano, in a rare show of propriety, reached out to take her sister's coat, then turned to Rogue and cocked a brow, as if waiting for his.

Always, always, always missing cues with his girlfriend's unnerving sister, Rogue jerkily shrugged out of his parka and handed it over with a low thanks. Solano wasn't an easily tempered creature and many times Rogue knew not if she was going to laugh at something he'd say or stick a fork in his neck for it. He'd always tread softly around her even before she'd witnessed the infamous moment that Rogue accidentally grabbed Yukino's breast. Sting had laughed at that but wasn't that easy for himꟷ Sting didn't have to do a safety sweep of his apartment every time he came home.

"Well, come on, lovebirds. Dinner shall be served."

Mother and Father Agria were all too pleased to meet the first ever boy that their baby brought home.

"We'd been worrying, you know," started Yukino's mother as she piled on marble potatoes, chicken and asparagus on Rogue's plate. Rogue balanced eye contact with too much at once: Yukino's father, Yukino's mother, the easily overflowing herbed gravy on his chicken, Solano's icy look and Yukino's uneasy one. "She never showed an interest in boys. We were starting to think she was, uh, one of those les-beans."

"Mom, honestly," Yukino just barely resisted rolling her eyes.

"And you're the first one she brought to meet us." Yukino's dad stated cheerfully with a raised glass. "Now, Solano has brought a lot of boyfriends home. And" he continued hastily, just before Solano could gripe, "There's nothing wrong with that, darling. You're a woman capable of making your own choices and I did like some of them. I just wish they'd stay around, you know? I really liked that Jellal fellow. The engineer, right?"

Solano scoffed. At twenty-five, she still managed to look like a sulky teenager as she stabbed at her carrots. "I told you, he wasn't my boyfriend. He was my lab partner and you just made him sit down for dinner. That's ways away from bringing someone home."

"I thought you two suited each other." The older man said with a sniff.

"Did you get that impression between the first and fiftieth time he mentioned his girlfriend? Dr Firecrotch with a PhD in Renaissance Warfare?"

"All right, you two, don't get snippy." Just like that, Mother Agria put the kibosh on a steadily rising tension. "We don't want to look bad in front of our guest."

"Don't worry about it, Mrs Agria." Rogue, in an effort to avoid more eye contact, stared intensely at the potato his dinner knife was splitting in half. Baby, he could hear Sting sneer in his mind. "Your home is lovely." That seemed like a nice, heterosexual thing to say. They said shit about lovely homes and good scotch and great gravy. Oh, he should comment on the gravy. "This gravy is great. It reminds me of what my mom used to make."

Yukino stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. Oh, right. He'd never met his mother. Rogue shrugged at her, as if by that action he could relay the panicked message of sorry im just trying to speak like a straight person!

To which Yukino's glare deepened. Well, stop it. You sound stupid, it seemed to say.

"Oh, thank you, sweet boy." Mrs Agria chirped, and to show her appreciation, dumped more food into Rogue's plate, much to his dread. He could never eat well in tense situations.

"Ah, mom, not so much. Rogue… takes medicine. He can't eat too much." Yukino finished lamely. It dawned on her how dangerous it was to say lies that have not been preplanned. Rogue's annoyed look confirmed her newfangled sentiments.

"Medicine for what?" Mr Agria said from the head of the table, in the tone of a man suspicious of drugs.

"Ah. Uhh…" Rogue could feel Solano's irritated stare despite not seeing her face. "I'm, uh, Midichloric?" Yeah, real nice, dumbass. Tell them you can Force control the cutlery next. "Uh, it's something or other in my blood. Kind of like anemia."

The Agrias looked confused and were all in telepathic agreement that any medical conditions were too delicate to be discussed in the dinner table. Yukino looked mortified.

They were all saved from furthering the conversation by loud banging against the front door.

"Yukino! I know you're in there! I've come to fight for your hand!"

Rogue began to choke on the bite of chicken that had lodged itself in his throat. Yukino's face made a play on several different emotions before settling on astonishment. The other Agrias exchanged what was not the first look of confusion tonight.

"What on earth?" Mr Agria began, before pounding on the door cut him off.

"YUKINO! It is I, Sting! Let me in and face the emotions I have for you!"

Mrs Agria looked apprehensive before deciding to open the door. Not long after, Sting came into view (not after a noisy detour into the kitchen he mistook for the dining room). He found his girlfriend slapping a hand on Rogue's back.

"Rogue, you bastard! Unhand my woman or you will have these fists!"

Teary-eyed from the near death experience a la chicken, Rogue aimed a bark-peeling glare at his boyfriend. "You stupid little-"

"What is going on here?" Mr Agria boomed from the head of the table, having had enough of the puzzled glances he exchanged with his wife and eldest.

"Hello, Agrias. I am Sting. Rightful lover of your fair Yukino." Despite the odd speech he seemed to adopt (and Yukino could only guess that while Rogue based his heterosexual persona from whatever CW Prep School Bullshit he saw on TV, Sting assumed his from period dramas), he sat down on the vacant chair beside Rogue, an innocuous look on him. "The feast looks amazing."

"Please, help yourself." Mrs Agria offered instead of the what is going on? that she wanted to say.

"Lover?" said Mr Agria this time.

"What the fuck?" said Solano. "You have two boyfriends, Yukino?"

"No!" Yukino shrieked, panicked at hearing the words she never wanted any of her family to utter.

"I'm the boyfriend!" Rogue said, exasperation clear on his face, all of it directed at Sting who had begun to help himself to the food.

"I've come to fight you for her. You don't deserve sweet Yukino." Sting countered.

"So you're two-timing them?" Solano said. "Way to go, sister. Who knew you had it in you?"

"No you don't get it-"

Mrs Agria looked pleased as she aimed a pointed look at her husband. "Oh, honey, and here we were all worried about Yukino never having a boyfriend. Now she has two."

Mr Agria nodded.

"There were a dozen men fighting for Yukino when we began. Rogue and I eliminated the competition. By combat." Sting volunteered. When Rogue and Yukino gave him exaggerated looks that angrily suggested he shut the fuck up, Sting sent them a subtle thumbs up.

"Oh, is that right?"

"Sting's joking, mom." Yukino cut in before Sting could say anything else. This was bad. This was so bad. They didn't plan all the lies out and one of them might say something incriminating. "I think we have to go now, mom, dad. Sorry. Rogue has to be home. Uh, for his medicine. You know, the mitochondria thing-"

"Midicloric," Rogue corrected, not helpfully, by the fed up look Yukino sent his way.

"Isn't that from Star W-" Sting began to say. Rogue slapped a hand over his mouth.

"We don't want to ruin lunch with my gruesome diagnosis, do we?" Rogue said before laughing a fake, strained laugh.

"Yes, so we really have to go." Yukino started to rise, pushing her chair back.

Sting licked at Rogue's palm before Rogue drew it away, disgusted. "But I haven't even started eating yet."

"We can have McDonald's on the way back to school." Rogue said through gritted teeth. He rose, same as Yukino, dragging Sting up by the collar of his shirt. "The food was really good, sir, ma'am. And it was nice to meet you."

"I'm sorry, mom, we'll come back some other time, when Rogue is well." Yukino already started inching towards the doorway, hoping Sting wouldn't say anything else and trying to tell both boys to move faster by telepathy.

"Nice meeting you, Agrias!" Sting called out before Rogue's hold on his shirt choked him and he was dragged out of the room.

The front door sounded and the remaining three occupants of the dining table listened to an inaudible but loud argument as Yukino, Sting and Rogue got into the car.

When the car sped away, Mr Agria finally piped up again. "What did the boy say he was sick with again?"

"It sounded serious," said Mrs Agria. "But anyway, I can't wait to tell Angela. She was always bragging about how many suitors her daughter has."

"Angela? From church?"

"And you gave me grief for dating around. Yukino has two boyfriends, dad."

"I said I didn't mind the quantity, just the quality."

"I can't believe you, Sting! That was the most irresponsible thing you've done to date." Yukino huffed hard enough to send her bangs flying. "Now my parents think I'm dating two men!"

"Well, you are!" Sting cried defensively. "At least they seemed excited."

From the passenger seat, Rogue shook his head. "That's not the point. You could have made things very bad for Yukino. We had a plan, Sting."

"Oh yeah? Did that plan include you being terminally ill with Jedi Powers?"

Rogue sputtered. "That was not my fault!"

"You could have come up with an actual disease, okay?" Yukino said.

"Oh, sure, I'll prepare a better list of serious ailments just in case you randomly decide to tell people that I have time-sensitive dosages."

"Meeting the parents seems like a lot of work." Sting remarked.

"Maybe we can scale back on the lies for Christmas," Yukino suggested.

"Maybe you can pretend to be single for Christmas," Rogue muttered. He could feel a headache throb behind his eyes.

[bigyack-com]

Seriously Cyrus: How do you determine someone is asexual?

I am a 25-year-old guy and I have a feeling that my girlfriend is cheating on me. She had got a random call from a wrong number a few months back, and I think she has been in touch with the person ever since. How do I find out if she is cheating me or not? — PSPS, what a story this is. Look, I’m in touch with both Random House and, Rupa Publications, I’ll put it in a good word for you. It’s a fantastic set up. You are dating a girl. She gets a random call. Maybe from a telemarketer. He tries to sell her life insurance. She falls in love with this offer. I see a web series, or a movie, maybe even a reality show. Now, coming to your question, if you feel she’s found someone else, you can try and lay a trap, by checking her phone, digital footprint etc. However, I’m a great fan of the ‘Old is Gold’ policy. Basically even during inflation or recession, buy gold. And by gold, I mean tell her what you told me. Ask her for an honest answer, give her a chance to tell all. Then, share the rights, contact Amazon, use my name, meet Sharma in marketing, make your web series, and become a millionaire.9386867508I am a 27-year-old man and I have been in a relationship for the last six months. However, we recently found out that my girlfriend is Asexual. We have consulted doctors, but nothing seems to work out. What do I do? — SBSB, honestly Asmita? Yes. I’ve heard of, Apeksha? 100%, but Asexual? I’m not sure about that. The problem here is the fact that you have consulted not one doctor, but doctors. This implies many doctors. These are trained specialists. They studied medicine. And got degrees in medical care. Asking me to diagnose, and over rule them, is like throwing a pilot off the plane, and then asking me, a person who is incapable of being able to parallel park the car to fly the plane. How does one determine she’s asexual? Is it done by a blood test? Making her cough? Counting her white blood cells? Or behaviour traits like, she sleeps on her left side? Eats only whole wheat bread? Has never heard of lobster tube? I think you have every right to a physical relationship. It’s er not mentioned in the constitution, but you do. If she’s not attracted to you, why should you stay and suffer? You already have a mother. Probably a sister. Plenty of friends. Plus there’s facebook, twitter, insta and tik-tok. What role will she play sans physical relations?1570628122I am a 28-year-old woman and I have been in a relationship for the last two years. My boyfriend is over-possessive and we have discussed about it a lot of times but he doesn’t seem to understand. Do you think it is time to end the relationship for this? — KTJor ling, was the chief tutor of Kim Jong Un. (He’s the guy who taught Kim Jong Un maths and philosophy, and once famously marked one of Kim’s answers as wrong. Also just before he was executed with anti-aircraft guns on a tarmac in Pyong Yang, watched by North Korea’s elite, and all the airports baggage handlers, wrote a book about jealousy). Jor ling spoke of how being possessive is a proper disease that must be treated with electric commands to the brain. Bear in mind the surviving 37 citizens from the 1,500 that was experimented on, were all cured. KT, you are already talking about breaking up, so obviously the possessive behaviour is at an advanced stage. In two years, if his behaviour has got worse it’s a really bad sign. Sadly the Indian Govt. forbids tinkering with your boyfriend’s brain, so yes I think it may be time to face the reality. I suppose one final chance, in cricketing terms, a last over, could be offered, and then yes, please pull the plug.I am a 22-year-old woman and I have been single for almost four years now. However, I have a crush on someone in my office, but I am not really sure how to make the first move without sounding someone who is desperate for attention. What do I do? — OPOP, my book, “Understanding Romance, by the time you have your first stroke”, explains your predicament. I quote page 47 paragraph 3. Oh, sorry that page is torn so let’s go with page 59, paragraph one. Okay that’s about the effects of air-conditioning. OP, I’ll just wing it, for you. Frankly, there is no such thing as the first move. That is, no move equals to the first move. Instead of an overt gesture just meet at the water cooler, and say hello. Or in the lift, or the lobby, just a normal acknowledgement. I’ve said it 48,377 times, romance grows best from normalcy. Stop watching Karan Johar romantic films, and be exceedingly normal with him. A greeting will lead to a conversation. A conversation may lead to a romance. Or worse still, a marriage. Follow more stories on Facebook and Twitter Read the full article

[astarion-dekarios]

I was tagged by @erinaconyx, thanks! 

Rules: answer these 85 statements & tag 20 people (but that is way too many, I don’t know why these memes always want you to tag a billion people) This is going to be long and overshare-y so it’s under a cut.

the last:

1. drink: hot chocolate

2. phone call: my mom (lol)

3. text message: ...also my mom, telling me what she wanted to get for lunch

4. song: “Would You be so Kind?” by dodie

5. time you cried: I had a breakdown like a couple weeks ago and I think I haven’t cried since then

have you ever:

6. dated someone twice: Like, broke up with someone and then dated them again? No.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Yyyyyep (first kiss)

8. been cheated on: No

9. lost someone special: Yeah ofc

10. been depressed: All the time

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: ...Yes. And then never touched alcohol since.

favorite colors:

12. Teal!

13. Sunset Orange

14. Forest Green

15. Not sure of the “official color name” for this one but I call it Winter Blue

16. ...Probably black tbh? Not by itself but it works super well for contrast with everything

in the last year have you:

17. laughed until you cried: Yes, although I can’t remember the specific incident

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes! I found out that I have a Reputation at the place I used to work (and that reputation is as some kind of intensely cool person, which was surprising but pleasant)

19. met someone who changed you: Maybe Jules aka @erinaconyx

20. found out who your friends are: I think I already knew who My Friends are but I have made a few new and radical friends this year!

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: No.

22. made friends: Yes, see above.

23. fallen out of love: Quite The Opposite

general:

25. what did you do for your last birthday: @amelancholycharm took me to a good sushi place for lunch and showed me her Dreamschool that she works at now and in fact it was lovely, and also gave me a red velvet cake. And also @shellcollector sent me a very nice Birthday Package which I had to track down but did in fact receive on the day and it made me intensely happy.

26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them. But I have less than 200 people in my friends list.

27. do you have any pets: Yes! Or at least I live with a cat, a dog and two rats even if they are not My pets.

28. what time did you wake up: 8:00

29. what were you doing at midnight last night: Staying up too late and being irresponsible because I don’t know what to do with my free time when I have a lot of it I guess (and also maybe because my hormones could be out of whack somewhat)

30. name something you can’t wait for: Spending Christmas with my partner in London <3

31: what are you listening to right now: Background music from Stardew Valley, I guess

32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes, my great-uncle is named Tom.

33: something that’s getting on your nerves: People being Wrong About Politics. Specifically, blaming either illegal immigrants or “lazy white people” for the fact that business owners, seeking profit above all else, exploit undocumented immigrants knowingly and willingly so as to avoid paying a living wage or having conditions that aren’t horrific.

34. do you want to change your name: Already have done! Not opposed to shedding the last name either long-term.

35. hair color: Brown

36. long or short hair: Short but I am growing it out Longer And Curlier(tm)

37. piercings: No & never

38. tattoos: Same as above

39. blood type: O+

40. nicknames: L, mostly. E, sometimes. [angel emoji] if you are in the slacksquad.

41. relationship status: In a committed relationship

42. zodiac: Cancer, but I don’t really do the astrology thing. I like assigning categories to people but not vice versa.

43. pronouns: He/him, have never minded “they”

44. most visited website: Google thinks that it is tumblr and is probably not wrong

45. right or left handed: Right

46. surgeries: Have had 4 wisdom teeth removed (at once)

47. sports: I don’t really do sports these days but when I was a kid I was pretty pro at horesback riding and I enjoyed badminton and I was forced to play football but never enjoyed it. If I were to get into a sport now it would probably be archery. 

48. favorite tv show: Uhhhhhhhhh it might be Bojack Horseman which is not great. ETA: I like watching this show a lot because it helps me when I am feeling self-destructive but my actually Favorite show is probably something more hopeful and good like The Mill.

49. vacations: Like, favorite vacations? Or... vacations in general? Or vacations that I would like to go to? The time Slacksquad met up in Paris was pretty incredible. I would like to visit Rome someday before I die. I have been going to London a fair bit and this is also excellent and an excellent city.

50. sneakers: I don’t know what this means, I don’t think this is a question.

more general:

52. eating: ??? Again, not really a question. I guess this is supposed to be me Expounding on the nature of Eating in my life so here goes: I have sensory issues so I prefer blandish food, if something is in the food that Tastes Strongly it will probably bother me a lot, I also have issues with some textures including most raw vegetables. And, like, I generally don’t eat a lot of things that require Effort to make them because I’m profoundly depressed and incapable of spending a lot of effort making food. So, that’s not great. 

Uh. I like spaghettieis.

53. fave drink: Water

54. what you’re up to: Mostly not doing the things I am supposed to be doing, but on the other hand today I have showered and done laundry and gone outside and several other things I had not done in half a week.

55. waiting for: I guess for T to Do A Thing, also for me to do cool stuff in University and also to see my partner again in December

56. want: Me to get my shit together like tomorrow preferably and do my coursework

57. get married: It is a thing that I can imagine happening in a few years

58. career: I’d like to work in a museum! Or do cool stuff wrt French history like maybe making English-language historical media about the French Revolution exist and not be terrible.

which is better:

60. hugs or kisses: They are both good when done correctly but hugs are vastly safer and more comfortable.

61. lips or eyes: Eyes

62. shorter or taller: I personally would rather be an inch or so taller so that I would be exactly 5′7′’. But other than that this question is meaningless to me.

63. older or younger: It is at this point that I’m beginning to question the nature of this question and what ‘betterness’ means. I guess I’d prefer to be younger because it means I’d have less physical health problems, I assume. But that’s like, younger relative to a certain value. Younger than I am now? No. I already look about 14. So I guess I’d prefer to be older in that sense. 

64. nice arms or stomach: This is not a thing I have a mental category for. Unless we’re talking about working out? I mean I guess I’d rather have a nice stomach than Nice Arms. 

65. hook up or relationship: I question anybody actually Preferring a hookup to a relationship in like a long-term sense, like I get not wanting a relationship at A Particular Moment but. But then I am asexual so that is a factor.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: Do not know what this means, really. I’d prefer to be a troublemaker than hesitant I guess in the sense of like “Being actively disruptive to a society that I find appalling”.

have you ever:

67. kissed a stranger: No.

68. drank hard liquor: Yes. 

69. lost glasses/contacts: Who wears glasses and has not lost them?

70. turned someone down: More times than I would prefer

71. sex on the first date: No

72. broken someone’s heart: This is like a weird question to me but I’ve been told that this is the case so I guess so

73. had your heart broken: No

74. been arrested: No 

75. cried when someone died: Yes but that someone was my dog

76. fallen for a friend: Yes but I wouldn’t ordinarily describe it that way

do you believe in:

77. yourself: Generally

78. miracles: Not like divinely-created miracles but maybe in some more abstract sense

79. love at first sight: No, more like “Why would you ever date someone unless you’ve already known them for a year+ and love them as your soulmate in a Romantic Friendship kind of way and also as it turns out in other ways”

80. santa claus: Is this like an abstract question about the Spirit of Christmas? 

81. kiss on the first date: I’m not sure if this is a thing that one can “believe” in existing, like, it is a thing that does happen, not a matter of faith. It is not a thing that I would want to do ever but I think that’s a different question.

82. angels: No(t literally). I appreciate them in a Fictional Lore kind of sense.

other:

83. current best friend’s name(s): I’m not going to break opsec to answer this question but you know who you are, Best Friends

84. eye color: Blue

85. favorite movie: The Iron Giant. 

I feel weird about tagging other people on this one because it’s Really Long and Overshare-y but uh, @shellcollector @undividedcosmia @revolutionarypoodle @spacestationtrustfund @bobcatmoran

Maybe you guys want to do this thing. I will not be offended whatsoever if you do not.

[putris-et-mulier]

I had a hard time growing up with my father cause he does what we'd call tough love I guess, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it was abuse. But I always wanted to have kids and I am really good with em, people always point it out cause theres this idea guys arent supposed to be good with kids, that is ridiculous. But I think I just wanna prove I'd be a better father than him... All the discussion here about abortion and reasons to be a parent and wanting to be kinda savior to your kids it really 1/2

it really made me reconsider why I want to have kids. I don’t think proving I’d be a good dad is enough reason and also seems like a burden to put on the kid… idk if this makes sense. I wouldn’t ask a girl to abort cause thats her decision and I’m bi so I also think a lot about adoption. If I happen to have kids I will try my best to be a good dad but now I think I will wait and try to work out my issues first… that I don’t anything to my father and I dont have to live to prove him wrong.

Firstly, you definitely need to work on those issues before you have children in any fashion, especially adoption, because not wanting disability doesn’t protect your children from becoming disabled

Secondly, you might want to consider adopting older NTAB children because so many don’t get adopted and if they do become disabled they will still have NTAB conditioning so it won’t be like raising a child from a foreign culture but even then you have to make sure it’s the right choice for you

Thirdly, you don’t have to prove anything.

As someone who has always been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices for 30 years I can tell you that male nurses are by far the best and most any female nurse that has worked with one will tell you the same.

There is this misconception that men can’t be carrying or compassion or safe but men who go into that line of work or just sincerely want to be fathers like mine are the absolute best. I know it takes a unique person to be like this, male or female, but in this case I think masculine conditioning is actually beneficial.

Cis women are expected to bear pain better than cis men despite what the social rhetoric says and because they are conditioned to hide pain so often they have less empathy for other people in pain. They are also expected to be in those positions so they tend to be there because it’s expected, not because they actually care.

For anyone out there male or non-binary who is interested in becoming a nurse or caretaker or aides in classrooms and at disabled camps or special ed teacher, or anything involving disabled kids, please pursue this interest!

I have MD and it’s very rare in females so when I went to MDA camp there were just a few of us girls in a cabin but many other ones for the male children. Before McDonald’s bought it and used it as a way to make money off of experimenting on disabled children (I haven’t mentioned that in a while so a lot of you may not know the story) anyway, before that the counselors were all teenagers. There was an adult staff but they were there to supervise all of us, having teenage NTAB counselors be the only ones that took care of us or live with us was absolutely amazing.

We didn’t feel like we were being monitored constantly because everyone was a teenager which meant they were young and cool, everybody wants to be a teenager when you’re a kid. They also treated us like we were just kids, not disabled kids. We were cute and we were just there to have fun around our own people so they were there primarily as counselors, no one had formal training or anything so they hadn’t been taught not to listen to us yet. They all knew first-aid and were told about the conditions but they didn’t know what to do to take care of us so they asked and they listened. It was like this magical place until McDonald’s House™ bought us but things weren’t quite as good for my male peers. But let me put my epiphany in context.

Every single night the teenagers had a huge party. They took shifts on who would stay with us at night so everyone spent at least half their nights getting absolutely wasted and having casual sex in the woods.

There was always one night when the campers all had a “dance” and the counselors were always excited to give us a good time because we were so adorably excited to have our own party with them. And the counselors off nighttime shift those nights partied heavier than ever and those who didn’t want to were more than happy to just sleep with us. They weren’t buzz skills, they were helping people party.

It was the closest thing to a utopia I’ve ever experienced.

None of this would be allowed to go on anymore and it wouldn’t have been at that time either if the adults knew what was going on but we were all in it together, we were all technically kids. Even though our counselors were also kids we were always the safest when they were running things. The type of person who is going to even be interested in doing something like this let alone doing it to that extent is still that type of person even if they are away from home. They partied hard, really hard, and since they had the freedom to do so they took responsibility. Everyone had equal time at the parties and none of them resented us because we weren’t a responsibility, we were just too young to party so everyone who actually wanted some sleep was happy to be there in the cabins with us at night, it was especially fun for us in the girls cabin because each night we had different counselors telling us all the gossip so we ended up knowing everyone’s dirty laundry.

There were a very few teenage campers but they were “allowed” to go to the parties because they weren’t crippled kids, they were other teenagers. This also encouraged the older kids with MD to feel like capable human beings and so they would help look after all of us kids which is an experience every disabled child should have. They were cool because they were teenagers but they were also one of us, they weren’t one of them.

None of them did this because anyone was trying to socialize them or “make them feel important” by giving them “responsibilities” they did it because they wanted to. Everyone was in on it together and everyone wanted to have the best time possible so they chipped in during so they could party harder at night. It probably goes without saying that it was an amazing example for those of us who were younger.

We were observant so we always knew when someone was being forced or “assigned” to look after us but these guys weren’t, they treated us like little brothers and sisters because our bond came organically. We actually had role models that were one of us, going to the camp was one of the first times that a lot of kids realized that they could have the chance to be actual teenagers.

It’s kind of funny, they were young enough that they didn’t have a hard time bouncing back from a night of drinking or going without sleep but it made mornings easier for us children because a lot of them were waking up with something that felt like a bit of chronic illness themselves so they couldn’t have forced us to use all of our spoons first thing in the morning even if they wanted to.

But one night a party had gotten too hardy and so there was a shortage of capable counselors the next morning and the shortage was in the male cabins, the girls could always hang. Our counselors split up to go help get all the kids up which took a lot of time. The counselors that were best taking care of us physically split up amongst all of the cabins and that morning we had some of the female counselors from the male cabins come to help us instead of all of our usual ones.

I got a girl I eventually got an innocent childhood crush on, she was always “one of the boys” but she was so confident that no one would have described her like that, she was just herself and that made her a badass. She was also beautiful but I did have legitimate non-shallow reasons!

I was a lot stronger then so I was taking off all of my pajamas as quickly as I could because we all knew about the situation so I was trying to get undressed as quickly as possible so she could help one of the younger kids but she stopped me from taking my shirt off.

She said that I could keep it on while she was helping me into my pants so I wouldn’t be completely naked. I laughed to let her know it was no big deal and told her that I didn’t mind. That’s what I learned to say to the nurses throughout my life to make them a little less resentful about me but it didn’t work on her.

She looked extremely frustrated and I realized years later she wasn’t frustrated with me, per se, she was frustrated with what I had said. She said, “there’s no reason you have to be completely naked in front of everyone, most people don’t do that.”  I didn’t know what to do because I only learned to make “normal” people feel as comfortable as possible so I tried to tell her it was fine but she cut me off and said, “You know that I work in one of the boys cabins even though I’m a girl? It’s because there aren’t a lot of guy counselors so none of the boys get any modesty. I only help change one thing at a time so the boys don’t feel completely embarrassed and they still get to feel like boys.”

That was language I understood even if the concept blew me away and it’s something that comes to mind quite often.

I suddenly noticed that there were usually only people around us that had vaginas. That had to be weird for the guys. I then noticed that that they were treated like girls, not like NTAB boys. I’ve always wondered if it was any different for the boys who like other boys, because I figured that must make them more uncomfortable.

Disabled people are conditioned to be asexual but a heteronormative asexual. We are expected to get “crushes” and it’s completely safe because we can’t have sex. Why medical professionals think you can’t have sex because you sit down a lot I have no idea.

Imagine how little representation or participation socially that  gender and sexual minority children get, it’s a million times worse when they are disabled. There has been and always will be a huge need for people to work in caretaking positions that aren’t cis women.

[basically-i-write-shit]

Taking flight

Part 1 of 3  of my gift exchange gift for @tsukyamgiftexchange for @enterprisecaptainoikawa, who requested “aromantic/asexual spectrum tsukkiyama, punk tsukkiyama, band au, ice skating/yuri on ice au ahhh, professor/bibliophile au, tsukkiyama as best friends, really anything tbh bless”! I didn’t know if She meant band au as in orchestra or singing/etc. band, so if not there’s also an orchestra! Here’s the Band au: 

People always ask Tadashi about how the band stays together; he wonders why they only ask him (and he knows that they only ask him). Sure, Tsukishima and Kageyama are scary and Shouyou is always hopping from one place to another, too busy to sit down, but…Tadashi’s nothing special. He’s plain. Besides– Tadashi hasn’t been around long enough to know himself. 

Tsukishima and Kageyama are constantly bickering; if it’s not Tsukishima and Kageyama, it’s Tsukishima and Hinata, or Kageyama and Hinata. The three are an odd group, and no matter how many times Tadashi plays peacekeeper, they still argue. 

Looking back, Tadashi wonders how much trouble he’s really gotten himself into by joining Take Flight. 

“Oi. Are you even paying attention?” 

Tadashi’s eyes fall nervously on Kageyama, only to find the dark haired bassist wasn’t even talking to him but instead a dazed-looking Shouyou. 

“You’ve missed your cue like ten times. I’m getting tired of playing the same riff over and over again. Get your head straight!” 

Tsukishima, pianist, snickers at this, and Kageyama and Hinata glare at him. 

“What’re you laughing at?!” Hinata all but yells into his mic, causing Tadashi to cringe and wave apologetically to the poor man in the sound booth. 

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just that, Kageyama said to get your head straight, but I’m ninety percent sure that he’s the only straight one here.” 

Cheeks tinging red, Tadashi decides to break it up before the yelling inevitably starts. 

“Guys, we really should get out work done. Us taking forever to record this track isn’t just affecting us…” Tadashi nods to the man in the booth, and the group of people at the editing table behind him. “Shouyou, I’ll nod to you when you need to come in. I should have before, I’m sorry.” 

“Oh, Yama-chan, you’re the best!” Shouyou flings himself at Tadashi, causing him to tumble and almost drop his electric guitar. “Let’s get to work!” 

Recording is done soon enough, to Tadashi’s guilty delight, and he finds himself walking home from the studio where they’re recording their ep, Tsukishima Kei next to him. One hand is warm in his pocket and the other freezes in the cold of the winter weather; his guitar case dangles between popsicle fingers, and he finds his pace is slower than normal, despite the voice in the back of his head telling him to get home faster. Tsukishima, trailing behind him, listens to music quietly, and Tadashi thinks about how he met the pianist and got mixed in with all of this band stuff. 

“Thank you all, uh– have a great night! I love you guys, you’re the best!” 

People clap, and Tadashi – flushed pink – makes his way back behind the counter as Just a little Suga, the local coffee shop he works at. Open mic night has always been his favorite night. Sugawara, his manager, smiles at him, and hands him his apron. He’s just tying it around his waist when a redhead bounds up to him, pulling a (devastatingly beautiful) blond by the wrist. 

“Hey! Freckles! Who just sang up there! We’re in a band!” 

“A- Ah, really?..” Tadashi furrows his brows, not knowing how that applies to him. “Uh…–” 

“We want you to join it! I need a backup singer-slash-someone to duet with! And your voice is soooo pretty!” The redhead is so loud, every eye in the cafe is on him now, and it’s somehow more terrifying than singing in front of them. 

Not to mention the blond with him is so beautiful and he looks so uninterested and god, Tadashi is weak–

“Ok.” 

“Great! Here’s my number, I’ll text you!” 

Frick. 

That was a year ago. 

“Would you like to hang out, Tsukki?..” It’s a long shot– Tsukishima’s always been closed off. During rehearsals, Tsukishima grew close to Tadashi, but even then, they weren’t the best. 

“Ah. You still want to, after that comment outing you to the entire band and crew?” 

“Huh? Oh. I’m pretty open with my sexuality, so I don’t mind. Besides, I know you can’t go without making a joke at Tobio-kun’s expense.” Tadashi smiles, and shifts his guitar case, cringing when his cold fingers crack and stretch. He’s smiling at Tsukishima’s grunt in response when something suddenly hits him. “…Wait. You said Tobio was ‘the only straight one’ in the band…I didn’t know you weren’t straight…” 

“Ah. I suppose you weren’t there when I came out…” Tsukishima rubs his neck, clearly nervous, and the flustered expression on his face is something new to Tadashi. “I’m, uh… Well, I’m uh– asexual. I don’t–” 

“–feel sexual attraction. I know, silly. I’m on the spectrum.” 

“Oh.” Tsukishima frowns. “I– I thought you…” 

“I’m demi.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

“So,” Tadashi raises his voice slightly to change the topic. “How about it? Hang out?” 

Tsukishima nods, slowly, and smiles softly. “…Sure. Alright.” 

Tadashi grins. “Great!” 

Hanging out with Tsukishima is always fun. The two usually just sit around in one of their apartments together and watch Netflix, maybe drink, but it always makes Tadashi happy. Today is Tadashi’s turn to bring Tsukishima to his apartment, and when he unlocks his front door, he’s lucky his roommate is out. Noya is sweet, but he…overwhelms Tsukishima. 

Setting his guitar case down to slide off his coat, Tadashi shudders at the change of temperature. The hand that was gripping his guitar case burns with heat, and Tadashi mentally curses himself for not wearing gloves when he knew it was cold out today. 

“Do you want a drink? I think I have some beer in the fridge.” 

“No, not tonight.” Tsukishima straightens from sliding off his own shoes and Tadashi is suddenly reminded of how tall the blond is. “Can we make coffee, though? I’m freezing.” 

“So the human heater is cold? It must be cold,” Tadashi chuckles at Tsukishima’s grumble in response; he’s always joked about Tsukishima being the human equivalent of a volcano. “I’ll make coffee, but Noya-san probably used the last of the creamer, with his habits.” 

“Habits,” Tsukishima scoffs. “He drinks creamer with a dash of coffee. Literally. I’ve seen him make it.” 

“Try living with him!” Tadashi laughs, lifts his guitar up once more to drop it in the living room where the majority of his and Noya’s instruments and equipment lay. He leads Tsukishima to the kitchen, and smiles softly when Tsukishima plops down on a chair in the dining room with a heavy sigh. 

Tadashi shifts the coffee maker into the ‘on’ position and starts making the coffee; he notices for the first time how lucky he is that Tsukishima takes his coffee the same way as he does. Black (Tsukishima jokes that he likes it as dark as his soul) coffee has always been the best to him. Besides– if they were to use all of the sugar and creamer, Noya would be a walking zombie if they did. 

“How’s your mom?” 

“Good,” Tadashi smiles at Tsukishima as he settles down as well to wait for the coffee. “She just got out of the hospital last week, I think she’ll be back to normal in a few days.” 

“That’s good. Any changes in her condition?” 

Tadashi can tell the old med-school student in Tsukishima is interested, but he can also tell Tsukishima is genuinely concerned. His heart warms. 

“The tumor is shrinking, but not by much…the pneumonia really set her healing process back a bit.” 

“I see…” Tsukishima hums. “Well, I’ve only known her for a while, but she’s strong. She’ll get better.” 

“Yeah.” 

The coffee maker beeps signalling it’s finished making the coffee, and Tadashi jumps up, grabbing mugs and pouring their coffee. Tsukishima takes his thankfully, and immediately downs half of it. Tadashi just watches, smiling, as he takes a sip of his own. One thing he’s never understood about Tsukishima was how he could drink his coffee straight out of the coffee maker, boiling hot. 

“How are Akiteru and Saeko?” 

“Alright. I think Aki-nii is more nervous for the wedding than Saeko, when usually it’s the bride.” 

Tadashi chuckles, and shakes his head. “I’ve gotten an invitation already, so at least he’s not paralyzed with nerves…” 

“You have?” Tsukishima raises an eyebrow. “He knows your address?” 

“A- Ah, he, uh…added me on Facebook back when we first met?..And we got talking, and I guess…He got my address somehow?..” Tadashi doesn’t want to question it– he’s just happy he got an invitation in the first place. “I don’t know…” 

“Well, are you going, then?” 

“Yeah, of course! I mean, I’ve never personally met Akiteru-kun, but I still want to congratulate him on his marriage!” 

Kei’s cheeks tinge pink for some reason, and Tadashi is reminded of how aesthetically pleasing the blond is; with his long limbs, golden eyes, and the soft halo of yellow curls on his head. Tadashi would like to see him with winged eyeliner and maybe a nice pair of high waisted pants. Tsukishima has nice hips, and with his long legs…Tadashi would have to place a special order….

“Oi. You listening?” 

“Huh? Oh, sorry, Tsukki! Just thinking! What?” Tadashi’s own cheeks heat up, and he bites his lip. 

“I asked if you would like to be my plus one. I know you have your own invitation, but I don’t want my family asking if I’m dating…If I have a plus one, then they’ll assume I am. Either way, you’re going to the wedding, so I figured…” 

“Sure! I’d love to!” Tadashi interrupts before Tsukishima can talk himself out of the invitation. “But aren’t you the best man?” 

“Ah, Saeko doesn’t want to stick to tradition at their wedding, so Akiteru will have a best woman, and Saeko will have a bridesman. It’s…odd, but refreshing. I’m just glad I won’t be in the wedding.” Tsukishima looks happy, talking about the wedding.. Tadashi can see he really doesn’t care he wasn’t included in the wedding party. “Besides. Aki-nii says my resting bitch face would scare the poor people who made their way out to see the wedding.” 

Tadashi can’t help it. He doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t want to make Tsukishima upset, but he laughs. Hard. So hard, in fact, tears spring in his eyes and he’s doubling over the table before he can stop himself. When he straightens up he expects to see Tsukishima’s pace pulled into a frown, but to his utter surprise, there’s a soft smile on the blond’s lips. 

“He’s right, isn’t he?” Tsukishima says, chuckling to himself, and Tadashi watches him with wide eyes. Tsukishima Kei is smiling and laughing at his own expense. 

A few more coffees later, Tadashi and Tsukishima are on the couch in the living room, Tsukishima falling asleep on Tadashi’s shoulder. A documentary plays in the background, but Tadashi is too focused on the light illuminating Tsukishima’s features. Looking at his friend, he can’t help but think how lucky he got in life. 

He’s really starting to take flight; he’s glad Tsukishima is there to fly with him. 

[sableaire]

I actually imagine ending up with people and such but when it comes to real life intimacy, I'm like "stay away from me". I mean I do get jealous when my friends have boyfriends but the thought of having one actually scares me. Would that mean I'm asexual? I'm really confused, I'm totally ok with anyone regardless of gender if and only if I'm really interested in the person but still have a preference of having boyfriends than girlfriends. That's normal right?

First of all, you are completely valid in how you feel, and you are as normal as anyone else. Second of all, I am wordy and this answer is long, so let me stick the rest under a readmore.

Summary: You’re fine, and it’s fine to be confused. You might want to compare the definitions of asexuality, aromanticism, gray-asexuality, and gray-aromanticism and see you feel comfortable with any of those labels. A lot of people are okay with any gender but still have a preference, and that’s completely natural too. Also, your romantic/sexual identity isn’t set in stone. It’s completely fine to use a label that you’re comfortable with for the time being and change it later on, once you learn more about yourself. You’re a-okay, and you’re ahead of the game already by giving this some serious thought.

The reason you’re concerned about whether or not you’re ‘normal’ is because there’s this strange, social belief that everyone feels the same way about romance and sex, when they don’t. I’ve spoken to many adults about my being aroace, and in their efforts to either invalidate or understand me, they told me about how they felt ‘at my age’. They all had complete certainty that every other person in the world had the same feelings about about romance or sex or sexual orientation that they did, and that I was the odd one out.

I have yet to hear from two people sharing each others’ experience.

The only reason that people think that there is a ‘normal’ way to go about romance is because there’s an inexplicable taboo on talking about it with others. Couple that with decades-long social conditioning, and that gives everyone a model they think they’re supposed to fit. “I guess that fits how I feel,” people say, stuffing a round peg into a square hole, completely missing how the corners never fit right.

It sounds like you’ve put some time and thought into understanding your own feelings, and you should be proud of that! That’s more than many people in the world have done, and it’s a vital step in getting to know who you are as a person. It’s a vital step in getting to know how to build your happy future.

However, let me guide you with a few more questions that might help: How do you define your relationships? What is it that scares you about a potential boyfriend? How do you feel about romance? How do you feel about sex? Also, just for clarity’s sake, who are you jealous of - the friends or the boyfriends?

Romance and Sex often go hand-in-hand for many people, but but that’s not the case for everyone. There are people in romantic relationships who have no interest in sex, and there are people who feel vice versa. Only you can figure out what label you’re comfortable with, but let me help by defining some for you:

You might be aromantic, which means that you do not feel romantic attraction. You might desire a romantic relationship, but that desire has never been fixated on a specific person. Some aromantics are okay with romance-coded activities as long as it’s between friends. 

You might be asexual, which means that you do not feel sexual attraction. You might enjoy sex and sexual activities and or feel aroused by fiction or fantasies, but you do not feel the desire to have sex and or engage in sexual activities with a specific person.

You might be gray-aro or gray-ace, which means that you might feel romantic attraction or sexual attraction very rarely under specific circumstances. (subcategories include but are not limited to litho-, demi-, akoi-, and cupio-)

You might be aroace, which means that you are some combination of the above. I personally identify as aroace, and I have yet to feel romantic or sexual attraction at almost 21 years of age. People tell me that will change when I ‘meet the right person’ and maybe it will, but I am happy calling myself aroace now, and I will continue to do so. 

For reference, in high school, I didn’t realize that when people described a celebrity as ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ they didn’t just mean aesthetic appreciation. I had always assumed that they were appraising the celebrity how I might view a statue in a museum. I also didn’t realize that people actually wanted to date and have sex - I thought people just dated for fun and that all that high school sex talk was some kind of collective inside joke. I was wrong. So, so very wrong, ahaha.

Or after all this, you might decide that you’re not aro or ace at all, and that’s fine too. A certain level of fear is to be expected in any new experience, so if you haven’t had a romantic partner before, the idea of one might be scary. However, have you had a crush before? Have you wanted to have romantic feelings reciprocated before? These are questions to ask that will help you determine whether or not you are aro/gray-aro.

In the same way, the idea of sex can be scary, especially if it’s a new experience. Is it something that scares you so much that the idea is unappealing? Or is it something that’s intimidating but you’re interested in? 

Ultimately, I can only give you information. In the end, you will know yourself best, so you’ll have to be the one to decide what labels, if any, you’re comfortable with. 

If you ever need more information, however, I’m always happy to help.

[dyscopian]

A Year on My Own

I’m terrible about blogging, or journal keeping in general. I’ve tried them all: previous tumblrs (agentslander which is now just a mess of SPN memes and gifs; the other is brendonurie, given to me by a friend years ago that kind of just turned into reblogging fan art because I feel obligated to post something when I have over 75k followers), word presses, bound books, composition notebooks and ugh, I wish that I could keep up with my bullet journal as well as I’d like, because I’m always coming across new spreads for it but I never stick to it.

It’s doubtful that this will be any different, but I’m into my third glass of wine and instead of working on any of my novels like I should be, I’m tinkering around with all the thoughts about my own life.

A blog has to start somewhere, and while I hope to use this more to run around with ideas for novels, character development and short stories, I also want to use it as a place to just work through my own thought processes.

My lease is almost up, which means it’s been almost a year now since I started out on this little venture that feels like true adulthood. I’ve been reflecting on that a lot over the last few weeks and just processing everything that’s happened in a year and what I’ve learned.

It’s funny how I have a ten year old daughter and had been married for several years but this last year has been the first year since 2008 that I’ve been on my own without living with roommates, friends, family or lovers. It’s given me a chance to really explore myself and find my identity in solitude. The last time I lived alone it was about finding my identity outside of my broken marriage, but this time around it’s had a more positive spin even if there’s been trials and tribulations.

I can sage my house without religious judgement, light incense and sit in a lowly lit room with a glass of wine or a bowl of weed and write, listen to music, read, mess around with tarot cards all while listening to music loudly or letting repeat episodes of Doctor Who play, or just enjoy the silence with the faint sound of my cat purring next to me or my chickens clucking around at my feet with their happy little trills.

That’s me, curled up on the couch watching documentaries on things that will kill in the Victorian home or watching Outlander and wishing the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who were real, because how awesome I think it would be to be sent back in time. I get to be weird and I get to be myself.

In the last year, I’ve graduated from college, learned how to take care of chickens of all things, found what I will and won’t tolerate in a job, friends and partner. I’ve met some of the most incredible people who have helped me discover things about myself. I’ve gotten out of a dead end relationship. I’ve learned the struggle of balancing bills on a low income, which has been a greater struggle than when I had been balancing them in a marriage.

I’ve been to a protest and experienced the rage of knowing the way the media twists events in favor of the system, in order to protect what’s broken rather than stand with the truth to fix it. I can stay out if I want to stay out and come home when I want without having to check in with someone.

These all seem like simple things and maybe I’m experiencing them later in life than a lot of other people but I met my ex husband when I was nineteen and from there never got to experience the independence that so many other people I know had before they settled down. And you never really know independence until you’re truly on your own.

I found out I can still break my own heart by falling for the wrong person. That may not seem like a beautiful thing, but it is. It’s been almost eight years since my divorce and nearly a decade since I let myself feel anything even close to relating to passion. People can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in and despite all my desires to let others in and trying my hand at a few relationships, I could never bring down my walls enough to give them any vulnerable part of me.

It threw me into this whole idea that I might be asexual, but I’m not. If anything, over the last year I’ve begun to embrace the fact that I am bisexual more than any other box that I might be shoved in and I’m standing up for that now, speaking louder about it rather than just shrugging it off and trying to figure out what’s so wrong with me that I can’t open up to the men that I thought I should be able to.

I chose relationships with people who I was better off being friends with and because of such the relationships lacked passion and chemistry because I tried to force myself to feel something that wasn’t there for me, like I was trying to fill a role I was supposed to fill;  but, I know now that I am fully capable of feeling passion and taking risks in being vulnerable. That, regardless of the circumstances that make it impossible for anything to develop, says I’m not as dead inside after my divorce as I thought I was after nearly a decade of being shut down towards others. Which is incredibly beautiful. It’s the latest lesson I’ve learned and I almost didn’t get that chance.

I tried to commit suicide back in July. I downed an entire prescription of Amitriptyline days before Chester Bennington committed suicide and ended up in the hospital two days after I took the pills. It wasn’t rational or thought out. I was just exhausted. Every paycheck coming short for rent and my other bills. Starving myself for days to make sure my child got fed and utilities stayed on. Unhappy and unheard in my relationship.

I had gotten into a fight with my psychiatrist the day of the overdose because I had gone off a medication that was interfering with the Amitriptyline I had been given for my migraines by the neurologist that she had recommended I see. She took me entirely off my anxiety meds because I wasn’t “compliant”, when those were the pills I needed more than the ones I had been told to go off of by the neurologist. It was just a catalyst after trying for over a year to work with her to get into TALK therapy, only to be thrown on all these medications that were making me sick and making my mental state worse.

Just a few months prior I had lost my circle of supposed friends over childish drama with some girls whose popularity on the internet trumped rational thought and whose mindset hadn’t moved past the he said she said of high school. After my overdose, I lost the last one in that circle because my attempt was inconvenient for her and she put my business on the internet and the circumstances for over 1,500 strangers to see on her Facebook on how people shouldn’t talk about suicide to her because it upset her; almost within the same breath of having told me to always come to her when things get to how they were.

My attempt and Chester’s suicide so soon after was a wake up call. I hadn’t been that low since my ex husband and I had separated before the divorce. Even my miserable experience in Pennsylvania hadn’t gotten my mind that bad. I’m not a suicidal person by nature. I fear death, because there’s too much left in this world to experience and I thrive off learning. Can’t do that if you’re dead. I went off all the medications entirely and I’m myself again, able to cope better with my ups and downs without the chemicals in my head being thrown off by all these artificial replacements.

Not that I’m an advocate for that as it does help some people function better depending on their condition. It’s just I’ve never had a condition that anyone’s ever been able to pinpoint as one thing, so they never could figure out what medications I might actually need. Ask one doctor and they’ll tell you I’m bipolar. Ask another, they’ll tell you I suffer from PTSD from my childhood. Another tried to diagnose me with summer seasonal disorder. My old boss thought I was a mix of OCD, anxiety disorders and cyclothymia. As a teenager, they tried to diagnose me as borderline personality disorder, which has NEVER fit me and came with a stigma I never earned or deserved.

They don’t know anything and they don’t take the time to talk to me to find out anything, they just throw labels of diagnosis around. Psychiatry isn’t an exact science because we still don’t fully understand the brain. Pills don’t fix me, getting me to focus on my proper coping skills fixes me. I can only rely on myself for that. That’s why I art in any form I can, but most importantly, it’s why I write and I couldn’t write while so sick and drugged up.

The cocktail of medications I was on was what was killing me, not the stress, as I’ve been able to manage it better since my system’s been clean of anything but weed, my mini pill birth control (so no estrogen) for my endometriosis and B complex. But it’s another lesson I’ve had to relearn while balancing adulthood on my own and I’m thankful for that too, that I’m even still here. I shouldn’t be. Not after that much Amitriptyline. I’m not a religious person, but clearly I’m not done learning and experiencing. Chalk it up to whatever you believe in. I just think my story isn’t finished.

Being on my own has helped me escape. I grew up an only child, so I need space. I’m an empath by nature. My dad used to tell me I was too sensitive and I had to learn to quit, but I never did. It’s why I hate religion because I see how it hurts others and I feel that. I feel the political situation in this country and all the damage it’s causing to humanity. I’m a sponge for information, but I also take in all those emotions of everything and everyone around me. Animals, peoples, things. I feed off energy. It’s draining. I have a certain allotment of what I can handle socially and then I need my space from all human contact.

The independence I have now gives me that and I get the chance to detox from the world. I haven’t had the ability to do that in a long time, but I’ve had the chance this year to recognize how badly I needed that opportunity and to do so again, without judgement or people jumping to conclusions as to why I might not have any interest in socializing. It’s not a lack of interest, it’s too much interest. Now I know that it’s okay that I do that, that I step back sometimes, and I recognize that when I couldn’t before because I was always surrounded by people. It’s just me, who I am and I get to embrace it and that’s been eye opening. Everything this last year has been.

There’s no rhyme or reason for any of this. Consider these all just wine thoughts and reflection. I like to ramble. If anyone even read all this, kudos to you.

[illegal-blindness]

Things I Heard at Music Camp

Inspired by @superbcandyangel 's list *while eating ice cream* I'm lactose intolerant but I'm tolerating the pain. Whoa, there, buckaroo! Slow your roll! *pointing at someone they know who always wears neon* Neon Child! Valarie: I'm smart and nice, but I can be annoying sometimes. Maisy: Are we still playing 'two truths and a lie?' We're /connecting/. We have free air conditioning! 'Urban Trekking' is a euphemism for death. *reffering to chicken strips* It's a dead bird covered in stale bread. *stubs toe* frICK Time to get rick-rolled, kids. Hey, I'm only half gay! *sees weapons in Clue box* Kinky. Alexa: Do you have Cards Against Humanity? Tom, the Supervisor™: N- well, I do, but I'm not bringing them. Tom has a squirrel hat, of course he's a worthy person. TIME TO GET SOME MOTHERFRICKIN' TATER TOTS!!! Wow, #nastynurse. Maisy: Zeus had sex with a sheep once. Kaitlyn: That would be me. China was /whole/ again! Then it got /broke/ again! We're Triple-A; Asexual, Antisocial, and Awkward! YMCA: Young Musicians, Cannibals, and Artists. I'm a vegetarian cannibal. How about /Sunrise Kingdom/? I have four modes: Optimistic Mode, Pessimistic Mode, Pyromaniac Mode, and Bitch Mode™. Kindly shut your face. *eating pasta* Exotic. The sun wants me to get cancer and die. We're making a Supernatural/Totoro/Spongebob crossover. *whispers in ear* Gaaaaaaay. I'm Facist Italy, Jack's Russia, Tom is Germany, and Ethan's America. Did you know Germans can't say 'squirrel'? Ethan: Francesco, you're not supposed to swear. Francesco: I don't give a fuck. Alexa: It's what I am. India: Lame?! Alexa: A LESBIAN GODDAMMIT INDIA Welcome to the Gynecology Table™! *signing camp shirts* Maisy: *draws pentagram* James: What's on your shoulder? Maisy: I drew a pentagram. Alexa: Aww, thank you! I stayed up all night writing gay jokes. *singing 'Hey There Delilah' at campfire* STOP BEING SO GOOD AT SINGING Maisy: And if it wasn't for Zora opening her big mouth, it never would have happened! Felix: Zora does have a big mouth. She's got a big everyth- I DIDN'T SAY THAT I won't miss any of you. *upon meeting friend's twin sister* HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE A DOUBLE Fuck you, AT&T.