#how do I explain now that's I'm still nonbinary. but I'm a girl. and in my situation that's a really nonbinary thing to be

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[rattfratz]

dumb stupid rant about windbreaker ahead:

i think it's really funny how woke yet unwoke the series is at the same time. there is only one recurring female character in the anime cast (not sure about the manga so who knows), being Kotoha, who doesn't get in on any of the main action or plotline. it's very similar to what people say about shonen like naruto, dbz, mha, etc where the female characterization (or lack there of) is so sexist that it circles back and makes it gay because all of the deep, meaningful connections between characters HAVE to be between men or else it'll get boring. and the lack of women/interesting love interests makes it so it's a lot easier to ship the men together than the women.

but on the other hand, when there *are* women present in the show, the moral of the story is "be nice and respectful to women." literally the first thing that happens in the anime is Sakura knocking out some creepy guys harassing Kotoha, and then the rest of Furin beats them to a pulp again later.

there was also that scene with Kiryu and that girl he saved from also being harassed; he told off Tsuge for not being conscious about how others see him, saying that the way he yells while being tall and jacked as fuck can be intimidating for women specifically. and instead of getting angry, Tsuge apologizes profusely and vows to be better. like yeah it's definitely dramatized but it shows male anime fans, notoriously well-adjusted people (sarcasm), that being a total dickwad to women is CRINGE.

that's not even to mention the queer stuff. obviously there's Tsubaki, which whether you interpret him to be gnc, nonbinary, or trans, i think it's still great how all of the characters treat him. i'm gonna refrain on saying too much about his characterization yet because as of now his thing in the red light district hasn't been fully explained yet which could go ABSOLUTELY horribly or actually be really good, who knows (manga readers do ig). there was also Kiryu's banter with that dude he fought during the KEEL raid, which even though he's a lot less feminine than Tsubaki it still works well to promote that general idea of acceptance.

there was definitely something else i wanted to say but i forgot so i'll reblog with it later i guess 💀 this turned into a whole ass essay

[pickledoesthetumbling]

So, I took the time to listen to some of your voice impressions and afterwards I just... sat. In pure silence. My had my hands folded below my chin and contemplated the likeliness of Alex Hirsch creating a second Tumblr account where he could minger among fans without them suspecting a thing, posting "fan" content of his own show. But then would he have hired the other actual voice actors for the characters he didn't voice? Hmm...

In the end, I still considering it as possibility, btw.

Alright, jokes aside, HOW DO YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THE CHARACTERS?! Your voice impressions are amazing, utterly astounding! I just— Please tell me you have earned a lot of followers for how good they are. I don't know how to find out how many followers other Tumblr accounts have because I'm still new to it, but you should have several, otherwise the world is plotting against you.

Anyway— Would you mind maybe explaining your process? I live to hear behind-the-scenes kind of stuff and would be especially interesting to hear from you with how accurate your impressions are. And, also, have you considered gaining a professional career in voice acting? I feel like you would be excellent at it if you did.

wow. okay. this is a lot.

i may be turning into a pile of happy sludge now.

i am not alex, to start off. i promise you that.

so, some context. gravity falls was one of my first real shows that i watched. i saw some of the episodes back in the heyday and thought "huh. this is weird. but good weird!". i didn't think much of it since im a busy person, always have been. then covid hit 5 years ago and i was bored out of my mind. i'd watched ducktales 2017 and had liked it, so i wanted to find a new show to watch with my mom and brothers. enter gravity falls. i remembered what i had watched a few years back and figured we should give it a watch.

that show had such a profound impact on me and it was one of my first true hyperfixations. i learned every little bit i could, consumed everything there was to consumed, read all the side books, everything. it was around this time i discovered i could do grunkle stan passably. i didn't think much of it since i didn't know how cool impressionists are and what they can do. however, it receded to the back of my mind when my next hyperfixation hit. you'd never guess what it was...

it was the owl house. of course it was. when it started back in 2020, i saw the trailers and thought "this is a girl show. i'm not supposed to find this interesting". (thanks, dad). oh, how wrong i was...

if gravity falls opened my eyes, then the owl house beat me upside the head with a frying pan. i learned way more about a lot of things, like being introduced to lgbtqia+ people, nonbinary people, people with trauma, and autism being a lot more common. that show had more of an effect on me than anything else in my life, and my love for it will never cease. this show led to me figuring out that i'm genderfluid and probably autistic, which helped me so much in understanding things. during this time, though, gravity falls was pushed back down, not forgotten, but not that relevant. that was until i fell down the theory rabbit hole, tho.

what brought gravity falls back to me was when i remembered that someone tried to steal stan's car in vegas. someone named "marilyn". this got the cogs turning. edas full name being edalyn, her being likely to steal a car, her being notorious in the human realm and using that name, a lot of stuff. but this connection between my two favorite things revitalized my love for gravity falls. now, it was the characters. i'd gotten back into it. this coincided nicely with a comicon, where i saw something about voice acting and decided to see what i could do. i haven't turned back since.

first i brought stan back, since he's pretty easy for me to do. sometimes my voice normally sounds like him after i've been shouting a lot. then i started trying to do my other favorite characters, and found myself at a road block. i kept grunkle stan going strong, and got some other characters too (dm me for full list of characters, don't feel like listing them rn, this post is long enough as it is). then tbob came out, and i gained new hope. along with getting into dragon ball and hearing clips of roshi (who i can also do), i realized i might be able to do mcgucket as well. if alex can do it, so can i! this really started it. soos came along not too long afterwards (by the same logic), and then i attempted hooty. hooty isn't my greatest one (my little brother does him better), and that put bill and king off of the table since my voice can't get that high yet. this was also around when i got tumblr. then, i had an epiphany. stan and ford are twins who can do each other's voices, right? (doesn't matter that alex and jk simmons did those parts normally, in the lore the stans can). they are both in a similar kind of gravelly register, so i started working on it. no one was harder to get down than ford. it took weeks of attempts, but eventually i got it. i then did a dub on tumblr after posting other stuff for like a month or two, after i could get into ford relatively quickly. it took off. i think its still my top post of all time tbh. i've been posting voice acting stuff ever since.

ok, with lore dump out of the way. i'm at about 20 followers rn, but that's pretty good for only 3 months of original content. i'm sure to keep growing if i keep at it. i'm a variety blog, so i'm sure to keep amassing loyal subjects treasured fans.

as for my behind the scenes process, it's called "stan first, everyone second". i can switch between my normal voice and his on a dime. after i get my throat warmed up, i then can do other people. with ford, i have to do stan's voice at least once before being able to use his. same goes for mcgucket (young and old), doofenshmirtz, batman, anyone else with gravel. there are a select few i dont need to do stan for, like soos, frieza, and super kame guru, tho.

as for you last question beloved moot, i would love to do voice acting for a living. it's a competitive market, but it would be my dream to do it.

anyway ty sososososo much for that ask! i love doing my voice impressions for people, and will do them often enough. in fact, i have another one on the way rn (once i record). tysm for the ask! <3 <3 <3

[radfemnotfemme]

been learning about radical feminism in the past year and i have completely reevaluated my beliefs about gender ideology. now im just so stuck on the idea of, how can identifying as another gender not be fundamentally regressive, sexist, and upholding gender norms? how can men just identify out of oppression? but now idk what to do holding these beliefs because truly all my friends would have serious issues with me if i were ever to voice this. in fact, i have close friends who are trans, and there are many trans people in my wider social circle (one of whom specifically made me so uncomfortable in a "female" space that it contributed to me unlearning my previous beliefs abt gender ideology). i attend a super liberal university where in a recent english class my professor even made a comment about jk rowling being an evil terf now.

i feel like i'm walking around with a dirty secret. i feel like i can't discuss these ideas with anyone irl, not even my girlfriend. it would fundamentally change her view of me as she as an incredibly vocal trans ally. i could see her breaking up with me for these beliefs; i could see many friends distancing themselves from me. i'm just wondering how you navigate a social world like this with radfem beliefs ahhhh

i feel you on the “dirty secret” aspect! i can try to give some advice since i’m in a very similar situation (minus the fact i live in a conservative area.)

due to my appearance (i’m visibly gay) i usually only attract TRA & ‘queer’ types to me. my friends are all TRA or some variant of “genderqueer.” i only have one friend ive been able to confide my beliefs to, and she’s more a closet conservative type so we really only agree on trans issues. I will say, if you can find even one person that you can speak freely with it’ll be a huge weight off your chest. Whenever I see this one friend we both just ramble because we can finally talk about shit that we can’t comfortably talk about with anyone else.

the way i’ve gone about managing my friendships with TRAs is to simply never bring up trans (or controversial radfem) topics. i avoid it like the plague, will change topic, and if directly questioned on something i will play the dumb and innocent role, aka just pretending to not understand but intend as coming from a good place. you should evaluate which of your friendships putting up this facade will be worth it, because it gets exhausting fast. i have some trans friends, but they’re all the “genderfluid/nonbinary AFAB who goes by any pronouns” type who present extremely feminine at all times, never even push the boundaries of gender expression honestly which is funny. (literally theyfabs lol) They dont care that i always use she/her and they honestly never bring up gender stuff with me. these type of girls aren’t too bad to be around as i feel they’re not as far gone as some TIPs are who actually take the steps to transition, etc. Being around a hardcore TIF or TIM might be a more difficult friendship to maintain.

Regarding your significant other, you should consider if this is a breaking point in your relationship. For me it’s not since my gf was generally uninformed about trans issues like the dangers of males in womens prisons, unfairness in sports, why oppressed is sex based and not gender based, etc. We’ve had discussions about this, where i explained my reasoning for being against these issues & she actually ended up agreeing after I showed her the facts. She’s still ‘pro-trans’ but is much more reasonable about it & thinks majority trans people just wanna live their life (which who can argue with that!) If this type of open conversation isn’t something you think could be achievable with your gf, you guys might just not be compatible.

It sounds like you live in a very liberal area & so my advice to you would be to see if there’s any radical feminist organizations near you. I think finding other people who think the same as you will help you feel less guilty. It’ll probably be hard since most radfems are secretive about their beliefs (for obvious reasons lol) but i’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.

[thesnazzysharky]

Semi-lore accurate responses from the specimens (and some other characters) to you coming out

Found this post interesting and charming and wanted to do a sjsm themed one for the funnies.

Specimen 1

"..." (You've come to realize that, yes, this entity is indeed made out of cardboard and can not, in fact, speak)

Gel

"G-go...goo...go...good fo-for (groans and rubs throat in pain) y-you... (coughs)"

Subject 5

"*spiderpede noises* (are you food?)"

Ringu

*laughs* "Oh wow! I never could've guessed! Well, come here and get in my belly child. I can protect you from those who oppose your nature..."

Bab

(WEIRD ASS CREAKING AND CROAKING NOISES OF APPROVAL)

Ben the Merchant

"Ah. I suppose I don't mind it. But to think that stating such a thing would get you faced with endless ridicule or possibly even worse back in my time... intriguing how such a thing works..."

The White Cat

"To not be afraid of who you truly are from within. To not keep yourself locked away within a vault. That is a skill many more should learn from"

The Wall of Flesh

(HISSES AND SCREECHES LOUDLY)

Deer Lord

"I SHALL ESTABLISH PEACE WITH YOUR LIKING CHILD. SO LONG AS YOU CAN RETURN SUCH PEACE BACK"

The Worm Eel

(Happy worm noises) :)

The Parasite

(Alien noises of confusion. Doesn't seem like it understood what you said)

Beef Demon

"…maercs uoy raeh llits ot teg I sa gnol oS .etanimircsid t'nod I .em ot ecnereffid on sekam ti ,reveohw ,yranibnon ,naibsel ,yag ,dlihc ,namow ,nam ti eB" (Be it man, woman, child, gay, lesbian, nonbinary, whoever, it makes no difference to me. I don't discriminate. So long as I get to still hear you scream…)

The Mansion Within a Mansion

"Happy for you! You should stay here where you are welcomed and appreciated :)"

The Old Man

"That's great! Why don't you stay put here so I can get to know you more :)"

The Siren

(She gives you a big and toothy smile)

White Face

"How great!"

Otto the Otter

(Deep laugh) "Otto will always love you!"

Spooper

"..."

Tirsiak

"I sensed such an attribute within you prior. But I peacefully approve nonetheless"

Lisa

"Aww. No need to be so shy about it dear! I understand"

The Security Guard

(Groaning zombie noises of indifference)

The Body Bag

(The corpse doesn't move a muscle, but you hear a faint whispering voice from within your head) "Keep being you"

Baby Face

(Wailing and crying)

The Hanged Man

"Great... NOW HELP ME GET THIS COW THING OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS TORTURE!!!!!"

Ghost Cow

"Heh... you humans sure are amusing things... say... how would you feel if I possessed your body and walked it off a high cliff?"

Bekka

"To receive such news! Oh I'm happy for you! You got up to tell me this before Saturday however..."

Husks

(After explaining in detail because they didn't get it the first time) "Wait, so... guys can... like... LIKE guys... and girls can like LIKE girls...? Woah..." (They seem genuinely mindblown by this)

Woormy Charles

(He tilts his head to the side. He doesn't seem to fully understand but he gives you a hug anyways)

The Clown

*laughs manically* "Now that is a surprise!"

Hooked Doll

"As long as you don't hurt me like they did... we're fine with each other..."

Frenzy

"That's sweet dear! Just keep care of that doll of yours..."

The Class Shadows

"We don't mind..."

The Violent Deer

(Hisses at you)

W.A.M

(Throws up a peace sign and disappears)

Howard

(SCREAMS LOUDLY)

The Brain

(Weird brain noises)

The Virus

(Lightly hisses)

Scare Chair

(Yep. That is indeed a chair you're talking to)

Carl

(Smiles brightly at you)

Clicky

"B-but when I told Daddy if I could marry a girl he told me that was bad! This isn't fair!"

Watching Doll

(Stares blankly)

Nightmares

(SCREECHES)

Spooky

"Well If I support trans rights then I obviously support gay rights! You will always be welcomed to the army friend!"

Spooky's Father

"Well... I guess I did say in the job offerings that anyone is welcome to work at my company... welcome!"

The Protagonist

(Nods and gives you a thumbs up)

Taker

TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS TO TAKE THE GAYS

[gaypanicmode7766259]

Genderfluid!Larissa weems x genderfluid! student!reader (IM SO EXCITED😭)

Summery: Larissa finds a baby genderfluid and shows them how to find themselves

Notes: so reader experience is basically mine and how I found out I was genderfluid :]

Principal weems had been openly genderfluid for years now some students and teachers didn't understand but some did and it even helped some others like a young werewolf..

Knock knock knock

"come in," the older woman called out from behind the door looking up as it opened to see a small timid werewolf

"..principal weems?.." the student asked quietly as they walked in closing the door behind them "yes dear?" Principal weems hummed her face softening into a gentle smile, her fondness showing for her students especially for this student who she knew had terrible anxiety..

"um.. uh.. you.. h..how did you know you were genderfluid?.." the young students whispered fidgeting with their hands as they held their gaze down at the ground.. Larissa smiled brighter "why don't you sit down honey?" She hummed softly as to not scare the young student

"why do you ask? Are you thinking about it?" Larissa asked as the student sat down across her desk "maybe?.. I.. I don't know.. it started at the rave-n.. I felt more.. handsome I guess?.. not pretty.. and I thought it was just because I think I'm nonbinary b..but.. Im confused because I still wanna use they/them pronouns.."

"oh sweetheart you can be genderfluid and not change your pronouns, just because I do most of the time doesn't mean everyone does," Larissa explained with a fond smile on her face "most of the time?.." the student asked gently finally looking up with a confused little look

"oh yes there is sometimes where my pronouns won't change, like today actually. I have my she/they pin on but I feel more masculine so I dress like that and if someone were to ask if I felt more pretty or handsome I would still say handsome, being genderfluid means it's how you feel and if that is not just you switching between feeling like a boy and a girl that is perfectly fine dear."

"s..so.. do I say it?.."

"do you feel like genderfluid fits you?" Larissa asked softly and the student nodded gently.. "then? You answer that question,"

"I'm.. genderfluid..? Not nonbinary.. genderfluid.." the student smiled gently.. "thank you principal weems.."

I don't know if this is good but I like it and it made me happy🥹

[my-castles-crumbling]

Prompt: Sweat

@wolfstarmicrofic

Words: 535

Modern & muggle university AU

The sweat dripped down Sirius's back as they curled closer to Remus, mind racing.

It wasn't that it was hot in the small flat they shared with Peter and James- actually, a blanket was draped over Sirius, who was laid across Remus's lap like a needy cat.

No, it was that, though Remus was quite relaxed, holding his book with one hand and carding through Sirius's hair with the other; Sirius was nervous and contemplative, fidgeting with the blanket and opening and closing their mouth over and over again.

"Rem?" Sirius whispered, finally building up the nerve to speak.

"Hmm?" Remus replied, still immersed in his book.

"Y'know...y'know how you're gay?" Sirius asked softly.

"Yes..." Remus responded, closing his book and looking at Sirius curiously, a bit of humor in his eyes. "Are you...are you nervous I'm not? Because we've spent the better part of the past month snogging, Padfoot, I'd hope you believe I like boys."

It was true- Sirius and Remus had finally kissed one drunken night a month ago, after what felt like decades of sexual tension, and since then, Remus had been surprisingly open about coming out to people.

But that was the problem. Remus was very open about liking boys. And Sirius was becoming more and more certain that they were not a boy.

And after so much time pining after their friend, Sirius didn't want to lose him. But they also didn't think they could stay quiet much longer. It wasn't really in their nature to be quiet about anything.

"What if I'm not a boy?" Sirius asked in barely a whisper, burying their head in the blanket.

There was a shocked pause.

Then, long fingers curled over the blanket and pulled it back over Sirius's head.

"Sirius, what do you mean?" Remus asked.

Sirius noted that he didn't look angry or disappointed. Just...curious?

"Sometimes I feel like a boy..." Sirius explained, clearing their throat nervously. "Sometimes I feel more like a girl...or like...neither? Or both?" They ended this explanation in a question. They still weren't exactly sure how to explain it, if they were honest.

Remus nodded, looking thoughtful.

"I...I met this person, at a bar," Sirius said quickly, on a roll now. "They like to be called 'they' and 'them.' And sometimes they wear skirts and makeup and sometimes they wear...I dunno, pants and t-shirts. I was just thinking, that sounds...that sounds perfect, to be honest. Because...I don't always feel like a boy. But if I'm not a boy, where does that put us?" They asked the last question with a tremor in their voice, fighting back tears.

"I guess...I guess that makes me pansexual, then," Remus shrugged calmly.

Sirius gaped at him. He'd said it like it was so simple. "So...so you still like me?"

"Sirius, I've loved you since I first met you. I don't care what pronouns you use or what you wear, or if you're a boy or not. I've already told you, I'm yours," Remus whispered, eyes sincere.

Sirius sighed, sinking back into him. "I don't deserve you," they muttered.

"You deserve the world," Remus murmured back, kissing their head gently.

Note: This is based off of when I told my wife about the fact that I was questioning my gender. In that moment, neither of us had all of the best words to describe being nonbinary/genderfluid and a lesbian/pansexual, so neither do Remus and Sirius. It's a lot more nuanced, obviously. Enjoy!

[genderisareligion]

What the fuck does "I'm "trans" by association because I'm a system" mean genuine question

Mind you *I* don't think I'm trans just because I'm a system lol, this is in my painfully short bio now because most of the trans community and its rapidly growing overlapped DID community insist that I am just because I'm a system. For a few months I attempted to join some online communities and was told this by everyone, saw posts saying the two were inherent and inescapable from each other, and almost if not everyone in these, by the hundreds, self identified with or were also diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Mind you 2x combo I was very selective in the groups I joined and avoided any "no sysmeds/pro self ID" groups like the plague. This still happened when I explained my "gender feelings" (I couldn't tell you what the fuck a gender was, I feel nothing where people are describing a whole lot of something, in the past most of my alters identified as "boys" and "men" because dissociating as a member of the male sex felt like protection from it, I was a "tomboy" growing up until my mother found it embarrassing evidence of her abuse and forced me to "woman up" at 13)

One of my biggest criticisms of modern gender is the forced identification of it all, the girl = pink boy = blue of it all, the "all radfems are just conservative cis white women" of it all, the "if you're not trans you're cis or nonbinary" of it all - what if I'm none of those things? Technically the label that fits me best is nonbinary but as many more eloquent radfems and GCs before have said, to call yourself nonbinary is to imply that the gender binary even exists, to me it doesn't and never will because gender is not biological it's an artificial social construct invented by mostly cracker males

TL;DR it's in there as a joke, much like I've aggressively been a Homestuck icon since Christmas, much like my url was spanishisaterf for years as a joke, much like I got death threats for mocking TRAs with a "TRAs don't interact" label on my anon enabled ask for like a year

ETA: I explained all this better a few months back

[reimeichan]

As I start nearing 30 years old, and also as I become more integrated, I've started exploring who "I" am, as a person, and as a single identity. I know that not too long ago I made a post talking about these aspects of who I am, as a person, post-fusion. But I've also been finding more and more bits and pieces of myself and working through my trauma since then, and as new information crops up, I'm starting to once again re-examine who I am.

Mainly, I've been exploring my gender and sexuality. My sexuality especially has always been very clear to me since I was 14. I'm asexual. Nothing had really changed that for well over a decade. And not for lack of trying, too; I explored my feelings on sexuality and sex for a long time and it was something I would regularly rotate around in my head. Am I truly ace? I enjoy reading hentai and watching porn and reading smut, does that mean I'm sexually attracted to people? I'm hypersexual, how does that factor in to my ace-ness? Am I maybe aro as well? Am I demi-ace? Is my asexuality a result of my trauma? Does that make my asexuality more or less valid in that way? I explored every aspect of my asexual identity as thoroughly as I could, and each time I emerged on the other side even more certain that "asexual" was the best and closest label to describe my sexuality.

But, now... as I work through these different parts of me and understand the bits of me I had dissociated away, I'm starting to become more connected to... having sexual attraction to others. It's not that I was wrong about being ace for all these years; I think it's important to honor and acknowledge that part of my history. But I also think that to continue to call myself "asexual" is doing a disservice to myself. I do find people "hot". I do think about and fantasize about people's bodies. It's no longer about just the act of sex or kink itself turning me on (as it had been when I was ace), I'm very much attracted to people's bodies. And in that way I think it's more accurate to tell others that I am bisexual. And... that's quite a change, for me. To start acknowledging that I have sexual feelings towards others, and am sexually attracted to them, is so new to me, when in the past this wasn't something I ever felt like I had experienced.

And similarly, my gender. The thing that I could never figure out, but with each passing day I find further clarity. I think I know how to explain my gender now. I was a girl. For much of my childhood, I was absolutely a girl. But as I hit my preteen years and my teenage years, that started to shift. I saw myself less as a girl, and more as something.... in-between and outside of that. Nonbinary. Agender. Androgynous. I don't know what term works best, but I know what it was for me. And again, in early adulthood, that shifted yet again. I was genderfluid, a girly guy, a femboy. But I'm not going to be a young adult for much longer, and I find myself looking into the future. In my middle age, who I am? Who do I see myself becoming? And, beyond that, who will I be when I'm even older, at retirement age or even as an elderly 80, 90 year old?

And as I think about this future version of me, I realize that I am no longer a genderfluid girly femboy. I'm... a guy. I'm a middle aged Asian man. I don't know if "transmasc" or "trans man" really is the best way to describe that, but it's the closest word I have for what I see and what I feel. But really, just calling myself a guy is enough I think. I'm going to be a middle aged guy sooner than later, and I want to take some steps for this future version of me so that he can feel more comfortable in his skin.

I'm still a femboy right now. I like this version of me and I plan to stick with it as long as it feels right. But I also know this isn't who I'm going to be forever, and that's okay.

It's so weird, exploring all of these feelings at my age, especially when I thought I had it all figured out. But life isn't so clear cut, and you're never too old to figure out who you are. And it's okay for things to change as you get older, too. Either way, I'm excited for whoever I end up becoming, and I'm proud of who I am right now.

[kiragecko]

This is a post about why I'm currently considering myself to be nonbinary, but it's not a post about gender.

-

It’s about 90% of the elementary school girls wanting to sit on the grass and talk about boys, and me still not understanding why even now, in my mid 30s.

It’s about ‘girls books’ that were all about friendship drama and worrying about menstruating, and how these were framed as universal concerns. My only friends were a pair of male cousins and we mostly cared about how our Lego ninjas’ castle infiltration was going. (The options were limited in my small library in the mid-90s.)

It’s about the ‘wild’, ‘disobedient’, and 'hyper' kids in the books I grew up with being so much better behaved than me, even on my best day, that I’d puzzle over it for weeks. Maybe if my parents were stricter I would be able to follow instructions easier? Maybe I was one of the mean kids in those books? Why was nobody in books like me?

It’s about the revulsion I feel when I think about ‘romantic’ gestures. Remembering my mom getting flowers from someone at church, and my aunt getting upset when I laughed about how she wouldn’t like them. MY MOM IS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS, but a person who had nothing to do with the situation got offended that I didn’t consider them a thoughtful and nice gift. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about how I’m ‘supposed’ to think things that I don’t want and can’t use are loving gifts, just because society decided they were.

It's about people wanting me to already know their social conventions, and feeling like they are doing SO MUCH WORK when they make allowances for my mistakes, but thinking that learning anything about how I like to communicate is asking far too much of them.

It's about trying to make friends as a teen, and all the guys getting upset or weird when it became clear that wasn't code for dating.

It's about makeup giving me rashes, and my hair being done up giving me headaches.

It’s about women in lingerie in ads, and how I wore a headscarf for a year in reaction to how that made me feel.

It's about learning biblical gender roles, and getting really excited about the idea of protection and love in return for submission. And then finding out I like the BDSM understanding of protection and submission a lot more than I like the church's. That the person I love doesn't have the skill to protect me in ways that make submission safe.

It’s about having noise and light sensitivities, but being expected to enjoy crowded weddings.

It’s about people acting disgusted when I get too loud. Or excited. Or happy. Or interested.

It's about 'body language experts' that ""explain"" what various gestures mean, and it's about that month when my husband believed them and told me I was wrong about what I felt.

It's about definitions of 'womanhood' and 'humanity' that contain things that exclude me. And learning how to be okay with being the exception this time. And eventually getting so used to being the exception that I can no longer connect to the concept at all.

It's about only reading fantasy, now, because an elf's experience isn't supposed to be relatable.

It’s about learning that ‘I actually wanted’ things I didn’t want, and I was ‘unreasonable’ when I said no, and I was being ‘too sensitive’ when things physically or emotionally hurt.

It’s about being ADHD and aroace and weird in far too many ways; in a culture that seems to consider that to be willful rebellion and disrespect.

-

I don’t know how to be a woman. I don’t know how to feel good about being a woman. I don't feel I can fulfill the roles and dynamics associated with femininity. I can't present myself in the expected ways, and I don't really want to. In isolation, 'woman' feels like an accurate description. But than I think of OTHER people considering me a woman, and having the right to define what that means, and I just can't.

I need a break from considering myself female, so I can figure out how to do it in a way that doesn’t break me.

I want to learn how to interact with other people in a way that are less exhausting and painful. Engage on my own terms, and disengage if those terms aren’t fulfilled. Protect my own boundaries with strangers and acquaintances - people I don’t expect to make allowances for me. Not by demanding things of them, but by only offering myself on certain terms.

I don't want to ask anything about anyone else. I'm tired of it being about them. I want to ask things of myself. Ask for respect, and care. Figure out what that would actually look like. I want to process and let go of my self-hatred and feelings of being 'designed wrong'.

I've heard the terms 'acegender' and 'neurogender'. They don't excite me, but I recognize that's part of what's going on. Having ADHD gets in the way of performing womanhood to the point that it becomes hard to separate them. And some much of femaleness is defined in relation to being a part of a heterosexual romantic couple. I've got the man, but that hasn't helped me decode the mysteries of romantic and sexual attraction. The baffling concept of men having some sort of allure that women lack, of being a different category.

But, like my marriage isn't about my lack of attraction (it's about the choice I made to love him, and the decade plus of commitment we've had to each other), being nonbinary isn't about my lack of understanding of and ability to perform womanhood. It's about choosing to love myself, and recognizing that I've internalized enough harmful beliefs that I can't healthily identify as female right now.

It's not about gender.

[mx-lamour]

On and off, I claim I'm not actually trans. It's not an imposter thing so much as a fog of potential definitions and maybe the intent behind them.

Once upon a time, I assumed transness was binary. Back when I was finally going after the hysterectomy I'd wanted since age twelve, my doctor asked me if I was trans and I said No.

A few hours later, I realized that had been my open door. I sent my doctor a message to follow up: If I was trans... what would happen next?

It still took two years of nonsense, but that was how I got my uterus removed. Good riddance to menstrual cycles and pap smears, whyever the hell they're called that. Goodbye blood and guts, hello open schedule and a freer mind.

Since I hit puberty, people have assumed that I've been older than I was, by a good five years or so. When I hit twenty, that apparently leveled and reversed. Now I'm thirty and the other day someone told me I look eighteen. It probably won't help the guesses now I don't have breasts.

I've found the secret to eternal youth: Become a kid again.

I'm not so much trans as un-trans, in the sense that puberty put me through a big transition that I never asked for, never wanted, and then actively abhorred because the change was forced on me and none of it was comfortable.

I'm trans by diagnosis because of the physical dysphoria, trans by the umbrella of a grown girl who doesn't go by Woman and has changed her body to reflect that, trans by the way I claim multifaceted humanness and use a singular They when meeting strangers to stave off unwarranted assumptions.

But I'll tell you a secret, now that I've reclaimed my first and final form: I'm autistic.

Between the monotropism, the rife sensory sensitivities, and the unique view of what Makes Sense, of course the effects of puberty and the connotations of gender were absolutely nuts to me. That in itself could explain the dysphoria and the stubborn drive to put it right.

There's one other thing I learned early on: Sometimes your best bet is to quit.

My mom worked a job she hated for twelve years. Every day, she'd come home and complain about it. She'd tell us the shitty things that happened and how her boss was a jerk, so she could get it off her chest and go back in the next day to do it all again. I have no patience for this. I kept saying she should quit. When she finally did, I was so proud of her.

I'm a quitter. This is not to be confused with laziness, because quitting isn't easy. It cuts against the grain. It can make a lot of things a lot harder, but what I've quit is a series of broken systems. I've quit things that wouldn't fit and couldn't help me. I've quit things that made life more difficult in other ways. But I'd rather choose my battles, because at least that gives me some control over the field. Some might call it agency.

So I'm not trans, although I am. That's the thing about choosing Nonbinary, I guess. There's more than just two options: Are or Not. To hell with in-groups and outsiders. I'm a liminal thing, like childhood. Full of possibility.

[liketolaugh-writes]

I know I've talked about this before, but God, I'm never going to stop resenting the hold that Harry Potter has on me.

As an autistic person, special interests never really leave you, and that's more true for longer-standing ones. I really can't explain how all-consuming they are, how much time and energy and love you pour into them, how much joy and comfort you get from them. I'm kind of between special interests right now, after finishing both Constellations and Blue Food Project, and it's unsettling. Makes me restless, leaves a lot of time in my day. (Time I can use to look for jobs! Positives.)

Anyway. Harry Potter was definitely my longest-standing special interest to date. It was my SI through most of elementary school, and given the choice, I would do nothing except reread them, over and over and over and over again. My parents had to institute a rule where every time I finished the series, I had to wait a certain amount of time before I read it again, and I always did as soon as the time was up. There are parts of it, useless stupid lines, that I can still recite from memory. ("And he was even brave enough to nibble the end off a funny gray one that turned out to be pepper" has always been my favorite example.) I don't engage much with the Harry Potter fandom, because it's a mutant factioned thing that kind of scares me, but the story stays with me nonetheless.

Like many other fans, this letter broke my heart; I'm sure you know the one even without clicking the link. She's only gotten worse since then (every so often I still look at her Twitter account and mourn) but this was the beginning of the end. Most authors, I can forgive their transgressions; I can trust that they've grown, I can accept that their work is flawed, and I can enjoy what I read despite that.

Every since that letter, and plenty of the subsequent scandals besides, I've been unable to do that. I read any part of Harry Potter and I can see nothing but flaws. I see sexism, and ableism, and cultural appropriation and colonialism and hypocrisy. I think, why are there so many crowds of tittering girls? and why does everyone hate Fleur seemingly just for being French and pretty? and why did she design the Slug Club without any acknowledgement of 'this is literally how to break into a career field?' There is nothing there for me but frustration and hurt.

I've seen people in the trans community complain about cis folk asking if they can 'still enjoy' Harry Potter, which I understand. (I consider myself nonbinary, but my gender identity is so unimportant to me that I still consider my place in that community tenuous.) But this isn't that. This is frustration. Harry Potter was carved into me years ago, and I can't seem to dig it out, and I have yet to decide what to do with that.

But the story stays with me. The memory of it is inescapable. I don't even really need to reread the books to write fanfics, most of the time; I know every plot point by heart. How could I not? And every unanswered question, every point of shoddy worldbuilding that drives me nuts about that world - I can fix those. I do it all the time in other fandoms. It's really not that hard to create the answers to the plot holes that bother you.

Most of the Harry Potter fics I write are crossovers - Harry Potter goes well with just about any world, kind of like Avengers does. But there's one I've been playing with that bugs me in a special way.

I mentioned finishing 'Constellations,' my two part series where Percy Jackson goes to therapy for everything he goes through in the PJO and HoO books. That was a love letter to Percy Jackson, to Rick Riordan's writing. Like any writer, he has his flaws and weak points, but I love it nonetheless, every part of it. I wrote it with the intent to supplement and highlight canon for everything I love about it.

Now, I find myself writing a similar fic for Harry Potter, with Harry Potter going through therapy. It's in the beginning stages yet (such stories are obviously difficult) but it's such a fascinating topic that I can't shake it. What happens when a survivor of such vicious neglect suddenly is accused of seeking attention at every turn? How can someone so victimized by the Ministry come to trust them enough to work as an Auror? Did Dumbledore truly understand what he subjected Harry to with the Dursleys?

But with Constellations, I had respect for Riordan's writing that I don't have for Rowling's. Such a story would come from a completely different place. And that's fascinating, too. It's just complicated.

I'm not going anywhere with this, I guess. It's just- frustrating, to so thoroughly resent a story and a cast that I also love so much.

[junimoking]

Our Life: Now and Forever Scenario

Loki (MC) and Qiu

The two are hanging out, both feeling a bit anxious and they come out to each other as being nonbinary, which they haven't told anyone else yet.

As the TV show Harper turned on, both her and Qiu were sitting nervously together. Harper had been doing some serious thinking about who she was a realized that she wasn't a girl. She was somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum and had even picked out her new name. Obviously based off her favourite character in the Marvel franchise, Loki. Though, she was still trying out using a combination of he/they/she pronouns.

The only thing they were struggling with was who to tell? Loki hated keeping secrets, it felt like almost lying, which Loki hated.

Should he talk to his mom about this first? What about Tamarack? She was so understanding, she'd be the easiest person to tell. Or what about-

"Hey, Harpie, can I share something with you?" Qiu spoke up while Loki was mid-thought. He looked at Qiu who was fidgeting with his hands nervously, something he never did.

"Of course, Qiu. I know we're always teasing each other and stuff, but I'll always be there for you," Loki said sweetly, which wasn't a common tone she'd use with Qiu, but it seemed like he wanted to share something pretty serious.

Qiu took a deep breath before looking down at his hands, still messing with them. Loki sat there patiently, waiting for him to start talking. "Do you know what being trans is?" Loki's heart sunk when Qiu mentioned it. Did he know? How could he possibly know?

"Uh, yeah, I do. That's when someone is a different gender than what their body tells them, right?" Loki said, attempting to play dumb. Qiu nodded and then closed his eyes.

"Do you know what being nonbinary is?" Loki's eyes widened hearing that, heart racing in fear. He knew?! That was the on explination to why Qiu was asking all of this.

"Yeah, I know that too..." Loki said nervously, their voice starting to waiver, trying not to start crying.

"Well, I think I'm, you know," Qiu paused, keeping his eyes shut. Loki's eyes widened when he put the clues together. Qiu was questioning their gender as well.

"I'm nonbinary too!" Loki snapped, before quickly sitting back, covering their mouth. Qiu's eyes shot open and they looked at Loki in shock.

"You- really?" Qiu asked in shock, attempting to process what was happening.

"At least, I think I am," Loki said softer than before. "I haven't told anyone else. I wasn't even sure who to tell," they continued to explain.

"I'm trying out they/them pronouns. What about you?" Qiu asked curiously.

"He/they/she for me," Loki said and then smiled at Qiu. "Are you changing your name?"

"No, I'm not. I like my name. What about you?" Qiu asked curiously, feeling more comfortable about all of this.

"Yeah, I'm trying our Loki," Loki said, which recieved a snicker from Qiu.

"Like from Marvel?" Loki blushed hard in embarrassment before shoving Qiu. They started to laugh in response.

"Shut up!" Qiu continued to laugh at Loki before smiling sweetly, calming down their laughter.

"I like it. It may have no suited you when you got here, but that feels like the perfect name for you now," Qiu said sweetly, wiping away their tears. Loki smiled at Qiu before leaning over and hugging them.

Qiu blushed and froze when Loki hugged them. "I'm so glad I'm not alone with this. I couldn't have asked for anyone else to be able to go on this journey with."

Qiu smiled sweetly as they listened to what Loki had to say and hugged them back. "Me too. I'm so glad we get to have this journey together. It's so nice to know I won't ever be alone in this."

[your-queer-dad]

Hi finch! It's the person talking about binders a lot again. I just need other people to bounce thoughts off of bc I don't know anyone else irl who's trans/transmasc.

For context, I'm afab but not a woman and also not a man. I used to be a girl bc i was raised that way and didn't know there were other options but i haven't grown into a woman. I dont want to grow into a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm agender? At least that sounds more correct than the other labels I've gone by (girl, demigirl, nonbinary). I guess I experience gender similarly to sexual attraction (aka I'm very confused and don't understand how other people know what their gender is or how they experience gender).

That's not the point of this though, it's (once again) the topic of top surgery. I feel like I'd be fine without getting it... like if I'm by myself my chest doesn't bother me. It's there and I don't hate it. I dont think I experience dysphoria, especially not the way other people do. But if I'm out in public I know that other people will notice my chest and read me as a woman and treat me accordingly as a result. THATS what bothers me, I think. I haven't gone swimming in a few years because of it and i kinda miss doing that... But I think if it wasn't seen as a woman thing/a widely sexualized part of the body I'd be fine just keeping my chest. But on the other hand I'm worried about opting to remove it. What if I regret that choice? What if I hate how I look after? I mean, once I have the surgery that's it, that's my body. And I guess I could keep a small bit of breast tissue but that's not the point lol

There's also the other side of the coin. I just looked in the mirror earlier and for a second my brain didn't register my chest and that felt so correct. It felt so right. But I'm still worried about making a decision because it'd be so much easier to just let my chest be the way it is because it doesn't bother me THAT much. And I wonder if a reduction would feel better but my chest is already on the small side (cant tell you the size bc i never bought real bras lol I've only ever worn sports bras) and I don't know if it would help me. Like what if I regret the reduction? Or on the flip side, what if I do it and it's not enough? I don't want to have to go under twice.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this for a few months now and I'm being indecisive about it. The decision will probably be influenced by how easily I could get the surgery (bc from what I've read you need a letter from a therapist and all that stuff here and also the insurances like to pretend that nonbinary people/people who wanto to do something other than the "normal/full transition" dont exist) and if I think it's worth the stress of having to explain those feelings that I dont even quite understand myself yet. I mean, having a surgery (or potentially going on hrt but somehow that is even more daunting than surgery to me) would make me visibly trans and I don't think my country is doing too well in regards to queer safety yet. I don't know if I want to be visibly trans but I know that I dont want to basically "fully transition" and be read as a man. That'd be too far in the other direction. Ideally I just want to confuse people but that sounds like an unsafe situation to be in, especially in my current almost fully cishet social circle...

Man, I wish Shape-shifting powers were real so I could just test things impermanently before actually going through with permanent changes. That'd make this whole thing so much easier.

Idk, I just wanted to be able to tell another trans person about this and maybe get some advice or something. Im so sorry about how long this got. Thank you for reading it! I appreciate your account a lot, it's nice to just read everyone's experiences. Thank you for running the account and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Everyone, go hydrate! /nf

- 🌌🌃

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand those worries and my best advice is: if you have any doubts, don't do it. Top surgery is irreversible and it isn't worth it. Wait until you're 1000% sure. I completely understand that's hard and other people's assumptions is so annoying. I wish shape shifting skills were real too!!! That would be so handy.

- dad x

[thingschangelikemonkeypants]

Talking about gender identity for pride month.

6/23/24

Hey.

So, pride month is almost over and I haven't really done the thing yet where I sit down and analyze my identity as a queer person. Hell, I haven't done that since 2020, I've sort of been on autopilot since the pandemic. But today I went ahead and watched "I saw the tv glow" on my laptop as a little treat. Needless to say all the people on tiktok saying that it "absolutely wrecked" them were not exaggerating. Like, honestly, I got chills or whatever.

The first time I ever "came out" was when I was still in middle school (2014) in my family's old apartment. I told my mom that I liked girls, never really specifying if I was bi or a lesbian or anything. I had privately come out to my cousin and a couple close friends as bi, but it never felt right. It almost felt like saying that I liked guys alongside girls was justifying the queer aspect of my romantic attractions.

Eventually I decided not to lie about this part of me, so I told more people I was a lesbian, something my mother already assumed. And a few years later in 2020 (when i was 18) I told my dad I was gay, he took it well, and everything was okay. Except, it wasn't.

Over those fun years between 2014 and 2020, I had struggled so much with the person i saw in the mirror. I didn't know who I was no matter how hard I tried. I thought "who am I, like actually?". I shut out those thoughts with watching cartoons, drawing in my sketchbook, and blasting music on whatever pair of earbuds I could get my hands on. In my moments of weakness I tried to explain this to my mother, I would tell her I didn't like being a girl or "ugh, being a girl sucks" blah blah blah. None of it ever got through to her though, she just told me I was still figuring things out/that I was confused. Typical parent things to say, it isn't anything I'm bitter about, my mother was always supportive of the whole like girls thing. But she didn't know anything about all this gender stuff, and neither did I - I still don't.

Overall, I have been... unhappy. This lingering feeling of "something is... wrong, I just can't put my finger on it". It's awful not knowing, but I think deep down I always knew.

I don't feel like a girl, I don't feel like a guy - I feel like something different.

I learned about nonbinary people back in 2018, only I had the misfortune of learning about them through kalvin garrah, so I was convinced the gender identity was "cringe". Like what? It was a stupid thought.

After some time though, I really couldn't tell you exactly when and how, I started using they/them pronouns. At least, in my head and on my own. Some cousins used them for me, a friend as well but only sometimes. I put them on social media, my sister still isn't down with all that but that's OK. Even if none of my close friends or parents were okay with it I wouldn't really care, I'm tired of caring so much what other people think. I'm tired of caring about dumb shit like that, I want to care about me.

Happy pride month to all the other nonbinary people out there, I love you and I get you. I'm still so lost after hating myself for so long, so if you have any advice or experiences you want to share please do.

Thank you.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I'll leave it at this for now.

[detectivenyx]

Out of curiosity, any thoughts on Danganronpa Despair Time since you referenced it in your Edens Garden post?

it's impressive they made something so thorough on their own and kept a digestible scope, but as someone whose background is in writing it is startlingly clear that the DTDev's background is not (iirc, they even admitted such after the release of chapter 2). if i had to pick between them, i would choose despair time, but to me it's like asking which leg i'd like broken.

it was much longer than i expected so uh, here's a break. also obvious spoilers and negative opinions inbound so if that's a sensitivity maybe scroll past this one:

quite frankly teruko is one of the most insufferable protagonists i've ever fucking seen in anything period. until she gets shanked by whatshisface (i'm legitimately blanking on his name. was it michael? the british dude with one eye) she has legitimately no real character outside of complaining about her bad luck and once she is shanked she becomes an extremely generic edgelord, complete with getting a black-coat makeover to show how deep dark and edgy she is now. i don't really enjoy throwing around the term since it's one steeped in so much misogyny it really isn't funny, but i genuinely cannot find any other words to describe teruko other than 'mary sue'. she repeatedly fucks over the people around her both through accidents and deliberate actions yet though she goes on and on about how she's more punished than her peers, she never really suffers a single consequence for being a shithead, the others are still willing to throw their safety on the line for her where they don't for other characters.

at best, the rest of the characters are bland copy-pastes of canon DR tropes (arei? the blue-haired bowling girl? yeah that's just hiyoko saionji, but she did a 180 on the colour wheel. she's one of the better characters) and at worst they seem like they're just lab-engineered for the single purpose of generating moments. i mean no exaggeration when i say every single character with the exception of maybe eden fucking sucks as a person. and that's fine beyond the fact it creates the opposite effect to canon danganronpa: whereas i dreaded finding dead bodies in danganronpa, i'm relieved to find a dead body with despair time. and it does not seem like that's the intended effect, which indicates something's gone horribly wrong somewhere. they also just do not react appropriately to revelations and even just speed through them if the revelation isn't "so-and-so was actually a lunatic all along" - like, the revelation that everyone lost SEVERAL YEARS OF THEIR LIVES was kind of just an 'eh', never really focused on.

its tonally kind of shitty. as indicated by the last dotpoint, revelations are kind of jumped over, important moments with setting the tone are kind of just treated like formalities to get to the REAL meat (joss whedon-style quipping, racist jokes, and anime humour that was funny in 2009-2012 and is not so much funny anymore). it's focused more on its moments, but it only has one moment: [Character Does The Yandere Thing], where a character begins to act insane regardless of buildup, and it's always the same insanity where they grin a little too wide and start saying that nobody understands them and they get a little Unhinged as the kids say yadda yadda the influence from Yandere Simulator of all things is on full display, particularly with the first murder. like that is LITERALLY one of the elimination methods from yandere simulator. and if that blonde twink doesn't shut his stupid fucking mouth i'm going to kill him myself. and it was always jarring whenever it tried to explain a complicated issue because the actual pacing and style of the story would screech to a fucking steel-wall HALT so a character could read off the wikipedia entry for Panic Attack or Nonbinary. and it was just as weird when people said this was a good way to address that. obviously drawing attention to these issues is in fact good, but not just having a character break character to quickly read one of the first Google results for it. how'd puss in boots: the last wish, a CHILDREN'S FILM, manage a more nuanced and subtle depiction of a panic attack than this media intended for young adults.

the story keeps making fucking visits to chekhov's arsenal but never fires any of the weapons it gets from there, with my main complaint being ace's neck wound - there's no point to it BEING a neck wound. does it factor into how he conducts himself at the trial? nope. does it factor into a character arc? nope. does it even factor into his execution? nope! the story does not change in any way if ace gets a different injury, actually he had already murdered arei by this point - the story wouldn't change if he was uninjured (and if he is injured it's stupid the way he killed arei because a slit throat, if you're lucky enough to survive, will in fact put you at a major disadvantage if it doesn't put you in the hospital outright). it also feels like ideas get picked up and dropped faster than diving sticks in a pool.

the non-WASP names range from 'ehhhh' to 'total nonsense'. teruko's name, while it has legal kanji (well, one legal reading), translates approximately to "Superior Child" "Rice Field Armpit". hu's name is the wrong way around, if they're writing Firstname Lastname, it's Jing Hu according to the hànzì that translates to it. min jeung only has a first name but her first name is given the gravitas of being her full name for some reason. charles and j's last names are nouns, which isn't how hispanic last names work. and veronika's last name is total fucking nonsense. her first name's a german first name, and then her last name starts serbian and ends russian while ignoring both of their naming conventions. the author iirc justified this with 'well they're american immigrants' but that's not how immigrant names work.

the fangan, like pretty much all others, just fucking hates women. for one, teruko's the only female character who gets any amount of fleshing out - the dudes get fleshing out and half the women get lucky if they're even acknowledged in a scene that's not the introductions or a trial. the women in despair time are also majority nurturing types whereas in danganronpa you had a fairly wide variety. (they also make the only remotely chubby woman "motherly", and then give her clothes that literally slim down her actual sprite itself). it also, however, extends to the roles that female characters can actually take in despair time - the men are permitted to be the worst of the worst, to be active monsters within their stories, to commit horrible things against the other characters, and they're generally rewarded for committing those acts. the girls on the other hand are barred off from it - they're defined by self-harm. they harm their own lives, themselves, they hurt themselves. with two exceptions: min and arei, who die one after the other. they're punished for hurting others in ways their male counterparts are not. additionally, min gets absolutely brutalized by an execution equivalent to a SAW trap, limbs broken, cut off, and then eaten alive and whimpering by wolves - and ace gets... sent into cardiac arrest. the women get brutalised and the men get relatively chill deaths. men get to be active and horrible, but if a woman does the same, she is punished with a brutal death. unless she's teruko who is Not Like Other Girls.