#how do i describe this issue to my therapist lmao.

[horce-divorce]

tbh I have been doing really well all things considered but when I hit a low now it's extremely lower than low. anyway I'm fucked up tonight. it feels like I'm invisible even to my favorite people and the only thing I'm good for is whatever I can do to quietly support others while they all largely go on without me. living their lives and acting their age and falling in love and being real human people while I'm doing uhh. whatever the fuck my whole deal is.

I have done such a good job self isolating in these situations over the past few years I no longer know how or where to reach out for the same comfort I readily give my friends in this situation. it feels like every friendship I've ever had was something I was more invested in and like it's not right for me to ask them to hold my hand back.

I don't like where my head is rn but. I took my pill already and I'm falling asleep and I'm gonna have such fucked up dreams. I feel so profoundly empty right now. I just wish someone cared enough to text me goodnight and good morning anymore. every time I felt that way about someone it was either not reciprocated or, *checks notes* not reciprocated. like even platonically I usually feel like I'm way more invested.

It has to be me right I mean. I'm the common denominator here. it has to be something I do wrong. I just keep trying harder to take care of everyone else around me like that's gonna make me more lovable somehow, and not just. in the same one sided situation I'm always in.

Sorry for the big sads but as mentioned I don't reach out much anymore when I should and I think admitting I'm crying myself to sleep on main is the closest I can get rn so. here we are

[joesalw]

Ok, that's gonna be long one.

One jet is around $50 million. She has two. And now she had the ig tracking account taken down claiming that's an invasion of privacy. Very interesting considering the account existed for a few years and she didn't have any problems with it and now suddenly she gets called out for abusing the environment it's become invasive. The lady is shady. And the fact that her answer about not going to therapy is 'i feel very sane'. Oof. She's republican raised for sure. Those people think that any mental health issue equals clinical insanity and if you're seeing a therapist there must be something wrong with you.

She's jumping from one relationship to another and doesn't even know who she is. She just molds into whatever her man wants or what looks best for the image. She doesn't know how to exist on her own. For someone who presents herself as a 'girlboss' she sure doesn't have a sense of self-worth and always has to have a man next to her. No matter how bigoted he may be. She's not getting any younger so she's getting desperate and that's probably why she's unleashing on Joe. If she wants a kid, she doesn't have much time left so she latches on to every man throwing themselves at her in hopes of a happily ever after. It doesn't work like that. Fix yourself first then move on to look for someone to build a life and future with. There's no way any sane grown man would want a self-sabotaging, fight-picking, obsessive overgrown teenager with no sense of boundaries to even marry let alone have a child with. She doesn't know where her public life ends and private one begins.

I'm sure Joe saw all of that and dipped. It's not good to bring a child in that environment. And if they'd ever had one, she'd go on with her life and he'd be a house husband. I've never seen TS as maternal, nurturing or even mature enough to have a child because she seems not to have the capacity to take care of herself. In 2016 Joe was the one who took care of her and 'saved her'. It wasn't her own doing. And when he left, she started spiraling again. She portrayed herself as a mature grown woman in her 2020 albums and that turned out to be a farce. She's still that same insecure 16 year-old but richer, more influential and famous. Her recent interviews are a solid proof of that.

Her music is also nothing special. Some generic pop with repetitive and recycled melodies. She's not a vocalist, not a dancer, doesn't have a superb instrument skill, there's barely any emotion in every song she sings. Her lyrical topics are the same and don't hold any though provoking themes. She uses nonsensical metaphors and uncommonly used words to make her lyrics look better and herself seem smarter. It doesn't change the point of the song though. Argumentative antithetical dream girl is just a glamorous way of saying manic. Machiavellian is a way of saying manipulative, being morally indifferent and self-serving, lacking empathy. Sure does sound nice, huh? "I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian (manipulative, selfish, deceptive, cunning. call it whatever you want) 'cause I care". Machiavellianism in psychology is described as one of the traits in the Dark triad model. Right along narcissism and psychopathy. Mastermind is masterminding out in the open and no one bats an eye. The psychologists that named the trait after Niccolo Machiavelli said that one of the core features is lack of concern for conventional morality (they aren't concerned about the morality of lying and cheating). If you're into psychology Richard Christie and Florence L. Geis (the ones that named the trait) have a book "Studies in Machiavellianism" which is a pretty good and insightful read.

(just my assumption) I'm sure Joe dropped that word on her and she was like 'ooh, sounds nice and Machiavelli was like very political, a bit controversial and cool and people refer to him a lot, I'll definitely be using that in a song'. lmao. little did she know. I think she thought he meant it in a political sense and not a psychological one. Which are totally different things. And I'm sure he was like 'lol, she thought'.

There're a ton of celebrities bringing her up on talk-shows as well. At least once a week there's a bit on some show about a certain celeb's interaction with her. As someone who enjoys learning english trough media that's quite disturbing. I see her everywhere, TV shows, news articles, social media outlets. She's becoming inescapable. And that makes me wonder about the proportion of celebrities and journalists who genuinely like her and the ones who bring her up to get more attention. God forbid you say anything negative about her. Her Karen army will immediately send death threats your way, make fun of every aspect of your life or even dox you. And with her silence she's enabling this behaviour because she's a self-proclaimed Machiavellian (whether she chose a psychological meaning for the song or not) and doesn't care what her minions do as long as she doesn't get called out for it.

She only allows non-critical journalists to interview her. I mean, what kind of self-suck is that? An interview should be a form of discussion and not an ass kissing session. Any negative article about her will have your whole outlet blacklisted from interacting with her and her team. She needs to be in full control of the narrative all the damn time because she knows that once she lets go of the rein all of the skeletons in her closet will fall out on their own.

She's digging her own grave and I'm here for it. Last time she could make Kim and Kanye the villains and this time she'll have no one to blame but herself. Her narcissistic flat ass would make Tree the scapegoat if there's no one else she could point her finger to. It's always someone else's fault but hers. A chronic victim of this cruel patriarchal world.

I have studied psychology briefly and have learned about the dark triad and machiavellianism. What's surprising to me is that high mach people can gain advantage in the short run but ultimately lose their power in the long run because people start seeing through their surface level acting, which is what we're seeing through her behaviour right now. She acts to be an activist only when it benefits her. But swifties have so much obsession with her that even if they find it disturbing, they will try to justify it. Also idk how Taylor flexes about her machiavellianism, like to me that's not something to be proud of, the ends do not justify the means when you hurt so many people in the process. The fact that she's accepting she's cunning, manipulative, deceptive and lies to get things according to her own interest tells a lot about who she is as a person! no wonder why Joe didn’t want to marry her. Her machiavellianism trait only benefitted her in the short run

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

hello! take your time with doing this, just thought it'd be fun to figure out which (pjo/mean girls) character you'd ship me with<3

I'm fem presenting, she/they, pansexual. i have really wavy (and sometimes frizzy) dark brown hair that goes down to my back (it's pretty curly after washing though) and i also have brown eyes! im the brown triad because my skin, too, is infact brown lmao (desi)

also have glasses! normal half moon shape if that matters?

i generally have a bit of a resting bitch face (I DONT MEAN IT I PROMISE) and mostly only smile a lot when I'm talking to people I like. unfortunately that makes people NOT COME UP TO ME !!!! DKDKFK :(

i imprint on people really soon (bpd) and like. absolutely if someone is nice to me for a minute I'll try my best to be their friend forever, but also it doesn't often show how enthusiastic I am for a friendship

very autistic so I need clear cut statements or I'll overthink to the point of having a THESIS about how much someone hates me

im kind of hyper. very very VERY hyper, and my love language is physical touch + words of appreciation.

bit of a mom friend - like. im also the therapist friend and i appreciate it <33

personality tests describe me as like, creative and analytic and shit? im fatally realistic but still a romantic to a point. also an absolute NERD, YES! also very protective. I've punched people for hurting my friends before yes

I'm not very active, my hobbies include reading and literary analysis and also, eating lmao.

idk if I should include anything else? sorry if this isn't enough for you 😭😭 um. if it helps I'm a daughter of hecate from like two quizzes, a daughter of venus from three !

Your Fandom Ship(s): Gretchen Wieners (Mean Girls) and Clarisse La Rue (PJO, luckyyyy)

OK, the main reason I ship you with Gretchen out of all the mean girls characters is I think you could be really helpful to her as a nice person and I think that maybe at first she thought you were a bit intimidating because we are resting bitch face, but eventually got over it and realized you were really nice person and especially after Regina she needs a lot of people that she can count on and a lot of truly kind souls which I feel like is a place that you could fulfill because you seem like a kind person and I feel like when you get on deeper terms of a relationship, you guys would actually be really well together and helping solve some of your Own personal issues and just have a really beneficial relationship. I thinkA as autism. She would be a bit confused, but once she got the hang of it, she would be pretty good at giving you clear and cut instructions at least the best of her abilities.

OK, you guys would be like an insanely cute couple. I just see kind of like enemies to lovers tension here but I mean honestly I just love the idea of you too together. I think that it would be funny for her to meet you because she would definitely think you’re kind of tough because you’re resting bitch face and then once she gets past that and sees that you’re really nice person I feel like you would kind of melt her heart a little bit and I mean, give me wrong. She would absolutely go rough on you at first, but I mean once she realizes your limitations. She would respect those and I just feel like you guys would be a really good couple together. She would know all your autism and boundaries solidly into the relationship, and yeah, just be super awesome and supportive and again the enemies lovers tension. I feel like it’s kind of rare in her life to have someone who really has her back and I feel like she thought it was super hot. The first time you punched someone for making fun of how muscular she was for a girl or something like that, and I don’t know I just feel like she feels like you really have her back and you guys have a nice stable relationship. 

[youremyheaven]

i am so here for the mercurial slander omg. i had the displeasure of being friends with a mercury-ketu girl who was genuinely unhinged and extremely immature. like i'd say something completely innocuous and she'd sit on it for like two days and then i'd receive like 4 paragraphs of her chewing me out just because she misunderstood something i said

the other two mercurials i know (free me) are the biggest yappers i've ever met. one of them would literally send upwards of 150 messages to our group chat daily of just a never ending stream of thoughts, which was annoying in and of itself, but the real issue was that she'd yap endlessly and never read any of our messages or ask how we were doing. i've noticed this theme a lot with mercurials where they just use people as a sounding board and forget to even ask how your day was before the yap fest begins

😭😭😭😭 sister,, I can tell the pain is fresh because you did not hold back 💀🫡

Using other people as a sounding board is soooo TRUEEE OMG 😭😭ILL SCREAM

my former friend, Revati Moon who ghosted me for 3yrs came back into my life last year and from the way she spoke about her circumstances I knew that she was alone and just wanted company lmao but I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt anyway and what followed was a huge lesson in trusting my gut and not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt 😮‍💨💀🤡 I was her unpaid therapist and soundboard for several months. The conversations were often too long for comfort or she'd go on one of her rampages about how awful people are (Mercurials are unfairly critical of others, have you noticed?) and she frequently took digs at me and was one of those people who make jokes at the expense of others. I had to reallyyyy hold my tongue bc she was clearly at fault in half of the situations she's describing and i couldn't stand how she was always putting down absolutely everybody she spoke about.

I'd have to come up with lies or sometimes I'd pretend the call dropped or something bc 😭 7hrs is too many hrs to be talking to someone night after night (and the conversations are majorly heavy or unpleasant) i felt like she thought I owed her my time unless I had a "valid excuse"

during these months, she'd go on trips and I'd be as good as dead to her in this period. Once she was home and bored again, the calls would restart.

she said something awful to me and I stopped talking to her and maybe a month later after she said some other awful thing, i confronted her and she started shouting at me saying she's been mad at me all along for not talking to her 💀💀💀💀 which

a) isn't true (I texted her like 2 days after the first incident and she didn't respond to it --- she shouted at me saying she wanted me to call her???)

b) she literally said something godawful to me which made me want to not talk to her???

Needless to say, that "confrontation" was a spectacular display of Mercurial manipulation. I asked her why she was so goddamn mean to me and she said "I don't think this conversation is helping either of us, I'm sorry, now let's move on"

🤡😭😭 and I asked her about incident 2 and she said she's used to being around people (read: men) who bully each other playfully and that she wasn't used to my "sensitivity" (for context: I sent her a semi nude picture and she told me my shorts looked too tight around the waist and that looking at my "realistic" body helped her feel seen bc she's used to seeing photoshopped women and went on to compare both herself and me to our friends who are more petite 🤡)

After almost a year of being her unpaid therapist, she once interrupted me telling her something and told me to "wrap it up quickly" 😭😭😭 (the audacity) like she didn't gaf about what I had to say unless it soothed her ego somehow lol

As if all of this wasn't enough, I decided to call her a month ago, even though by this point we hadn't talked for over 2 ish months and she ended the convo 2 mins in saying she'll call me back and never did.

The way Mercurials exploit others to just bitch and whine and yap needs to be studied

Everything you said about your friend, I can also relate to (unfortunately)

Most Mercurials are friendless or have superficial friendships and tbh it makes sense bc they make it really hard for others to stay friends with them 😭 sorry to say it

[sophieinwonderland]

lmao someone mentioned my anon to you about the self states and just said the strangest thing.

when a young child is hungry, they may go into a self state that focuses almost exclusively on food and becomes distressed when it cannot be accessed for whatever reason, be it neglect or just an inappropriate time for the child to be eating. adults can regulate their hunger self states much better than children because their whole sense of self is much more well integrated and stable than that of a two year old.

....do they mean like. emotions ???? that is describing the emotion/feeling called "i am hungry".

tbh thinking about their comments just makes me believe your post more. a child who feels emotions and then cannot handle those emotions due to neglect or other forms of trauma may create an agent to handle that emotion instead. at least that makes more sense than "a child goes into a self state that fixates on food" like. bestie that child is just hungry thats not a "self state".

(to be fair, maybe they are conflating emotions with the phrase self state, and i think of self states as a different concept entirely, since i see it more like how one puts on a persona at work compared to their home life. those arent different moods, unlike being hungry, which is a mood/emotion/feeling. self states, the way they describe it... are just moods. which is different than what you describe, which the way you describe it just makes more sense in how someone can have headmates/alters that are fully separated people with different moods and personas/self states unlike... whatever they're saying lol)

anyway, you're swag, have a good day

I really want to do more research into the subject of childhood slef-states, because I find them equally perplexing when it comes to how to differentiate from just... normal emotions... I admit that this isn't an area I'm particularly knowledgeable in.

Like, hunger can cause physical pain and that pain is going to feel more intense to a child. If a grown person was starving, they would probably be pretty single-minded in wanting to eat. And so I think this is something that is going on in this particular example. The child feels hunger pain more intensely than adults, and wanting to eat is instinctual. It's a biological imperative. So... what actually makes this a "self-state" and how is that different from an adult wanting to eat?

At the same time, we do see plenty of examples in adults of experiences that are much closer to plurality. This is pretty much how Internal Family Systems Therapy was formed. A therapist listened to his patients and realized they had these internal voices, and they could identify each of the voices. Not by name, but by wants and desires.

To me, this could be seen as a minor form of dissociative compartmentalization, with these voices in someone's head being distinct and autonomous. And there are plenty of people who might actually feel like different people in different contexts. So where's the line between normal emotions and self-state?

Beyond that, one thing they suggest is that I'm unaware about older theories about how DID forms and the relationship with ICs.

I'm not.

My issue concerning the theory of structural dissociation and imaginary companions is that these theories haven't been integrated.

I think if you look at the history of psychiatry and psychology, one thing you'll often see is competing theories where the pendulum will swing between them, an older theory is seen as being replaced by a newer one, and only later do they look back and see that both are partially true.

I support an integrated model that would acknowledge a connection between self-states, the parts of IFS, and the autonomous imaginary friends experienced during childhood by many children.

I also want to point out that the developmental window I referenced with a starting age of 2 was based on a diagram they posted.

This is their source. And to be clear, I don't think the developmental window should be taken as an absolute. (I certainly don't agree with its maximum age of 8.) Kids develop at different rates, and treating these developmental windows as absolutes would be silly. And this very paper references an alternative window proposed that starts at 18 months.

Generally speaking though, DID doesn't develop until the period when a child starts developing their sense of self.

Now, back to the Imaginary Companion theory, since it's mentioned in this article...

They sum up the stages of this theory into this helpful diagram.

Now, I believe that among other things, one major reason the imaginary friend connection was abandoned following the theory of structural dissociation was because it was deemed invalidating. Imaginary Companions, 20 years ago, were seen as completely controllable characters within the power of the host children, as demonstrated by the diagram indicating that the companions wouldn't become autonomous until Phase 3.

It goes on to suggest that IC's acting independently is something out of the ordinary.

Now, two major things happened in the 2000s in regards to imaginary friends. First, DID research moved away from the IC theory. And I think for patients at the time, this was validating. As again, ICs were viewed as things that are "not real" and "just pretend." The personal experiences of DID systems who formed alters from imaginary friends were thrown out entirely in favor of this new theory as the only way alters and DID could form.

But the second thing that happened around that same time period was that we learned that this perception of ICs was wrong. Much of this is owed to the work of Marjorie Taylor.

A full 35% of Imaginary Companions were reported to not always do what the host children wanted, and 29% demonstrated more negative characteristics outside of the children's control. That's 64% of ICs that demonstrate behavior outside of the host child's control.

So at the same time that the DID field moved away from the IC theory, studies of children found that the majority of ICs were actually more like alters than believed by Pica and other DID researchers when it came to autonomy.

And while Marjorie Taylor and others at the time referred to this as an "illusion of independent agency," some researchers have more recently switched to other terms.

After acknowledging that there is growing recognition of ICs acting outside of the host child's conscious control, they intentionally choose to use the term "IC autonomy" instead of the more invalidating term used by Marjorie Taylor and others.

More recently, we're seeing increasing research into the tulpa community, where tulpas are fully sapient and autonomous imaginary companions of adults. Companions which can learn to switch with the hosts through intentional dissociative practices.

I completely understand why many systems are hesitant about the IC theory. In the past, so often, it's been used as a way to invalidate and dismiss headmates as nothing more than figments of the imagination so many times.

But I believe what the current research is showing is the opposite. Not that alters are less, but that what we call imaginary companions may be more.

I believe that the research is pointing to a model of many ICs that are every bit as real as any alter, and in turn, every bit as real as their host children. That these are not simply characters under a child's control, but independent agents capable of thinking and feeling for themselves just like any other person.

[eldritchmochi]

b m u y ! letter ask game

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

i fully blame seize and gem for getting me on the shadowidomauk train, regardless of the teif personality. seize especially has me in a chokehold re: their lucien and essek combo in one of their fics, which i have not read nor do i even know if its been posted but they keep sending me snippets like MOCHI YOU WILL LOVE THIS IT HAS ALL* YOUR KINKS and by dog they're right (*it is not actually "all" this is impossible as i have Too Many Kinks but)

also gem's essek-owns-a-boujie-coffee-shop au that has shadowidomauk as end game is cute as shit im sorry gem that i haven't had the spoons to edit more (its so good aaa)

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i answered M with "ashton" over here in this post the other day but another character i would want to be friends withhhhhhhh hmmm lets say asterion. no i have not played the game but from the lore i have absorbed via cherry he is very much the kind of gay i would have fun having catty gossip with while also being the sort of rock for him to lean on and like..... not therapy him i hate being peoples therapist but the immovable object he can bounce trauma off and figure out How 2 People again. i think he would appreciate my bluntness and the way i set clear, explicit boundaries but am otherwise unflappable, and i would certainly appreciate his humour, and we can bond!! over the whole being ace as a result of trauma!! :D

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

answered U over here with ashton, kylo, and bucky over here but lets do it again!!

lets kick it off by going Old School with the Original Husbando ^TM: vash the stampede. you have no idea how jazzed i am about the new trigun anime (no i have not watched it i merely enjoy the smut on twitter) because vash is like, my og blorbo. did i have blorbos before? yes, kind of, but my Wants in a man* (*fictional character) had not yet developed so they were but proto-blorbos. vash tho... he has it all: tall pretty boy happy go lucky twink who is secretly Full Of Trauma but shoves it down super hard by being just so upbeat and goofy, and just really wants..... love and peace lmao. a lot of my blorbos historically have similar vibes in the "puts on an act to cover deep severe trauma" way lmao

next up: more anime i guess, but modern: i honestly super fucking love all might???? like SO MUCH he is such an interesting character and i desperately want to read fic of him grappling with his severe health issues alongside his image as a hero AND his mentoring of midoriya (preferably with that guud guud smut, but i have no clue who i'd ship him with, i only got two seasons in lmao). unfortunately, everything i like about him isnt even in cannon its just stuff that i, a cripple, can extrapolate from the worldbuilding and lil snippets we get of him but MAN i am o b s e s s e d

third!!! more comics: loki, specifically the agents of asgard loki. i am 100000% planning to cosplay that loki (i have the hair after all) and i am very excited because he is just so very Gender. it was the first time i saw a genderfluid character in mainstream media and his "i AM gender queer, i IDENTIFY as a bitch" like is something i quote constantly to describe my gender. also hes just such a dick who is obviously trying to do better and unlearn bad habits and god, i dont remember specifically what its about but he has a big fight with his earthside contact roommate buddy helper person over something and then comes crawling back and does this big speech where he talks about how he knows hes a fuck up but he's trying and he values her friendship so much even if he's been shit about showing it and it is chefs kiss

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

dragon age. just... i know so much vague dragon age lore from listening to cherry talk about it because it is their BIG love for video games (pending bg3..... not sure if itll overtake da but theyre very sad they cannot play it again til monday lmao). i absolutely instigated a convo with someone on okc asking if xyz thing was a da reference and i was rIGHT it secured me a date lmao

similarly, mass effect, batfam stuff, haunted mansion, nbc hannibal (dont ask me why its a fandom in law still i cannot explain), s8 infinity (???? i only know matcha blossom), the final fantasy mmo, taz......

you can ask me more of these letter questions!! i have much time to spare!! maybe!!!

[starcrossed-sky]

(previous anon) thank you for the detailed answer. my knees have no cushion either! and yeah, my body does not move the way i want it to in a few ways. standing still for more than a minute or so quickly gets very painful, and the only way to mitigate it temporarily is to walk slowly or shift my weight from one foot to the other if sitting isn't an option. i have to sit when i bathe/do dishes/laundry. i've mentioned this to doctors in the past, but they just tell me to exercise more, which unfortunately is not ideal because exertion makes my base level of fatigue worse to the point where i can't keep up with my day job. i'll put a pin on seeing a physical therapist some time, though; i have been planning to look into my mobility issues for a while.

about dieting- i've always been fat, since i was a child, and i felt completely neutral about my own body. when i was a small child, it was seen as cute and a sign that my parents fed me well, but by the time i was in high school, PE class involved everyone getting their BMI measured and i was classified as obese (32 or so). ever since then, my mother has been obsessed with my weight and mentioning how worried she is for my health and how i should definitely be on a diet because i was "ballooning" (said with terror and pleading).

but i was kinda never sold on it? i have relatives who're huge into dieting and would post their gym and progress photos on facebook, but some months later i'd see them at reunions and they had already gained it all back. i even had a distant aunt whose heart gave out because she gained and lost so much weight many times throughout her life. when it came to weight loss, my stance has always been: what's the point of all that effort and expensive products/services if it's so easy to gain it back anyway? i just want my weight to be stable, not to keep going down. unfortunately, i live in southeast asia, where being fat is seen as "you're gonna have a heart attack any minute if you don't drop everything and lose weight right fucking now!!!"

if anything, the only thing that annoys me about my weight and general size/shape is that it's hard to shop for clothes and shoes in my size lol. specialized plus size stores are always more expensive, economies of scale, etc. i always gotta rely on hunting for foreign overruns or secondhand stuff since everyone's so small in my country :p

Oh god, I can't imagine trying to shop for clothes at our size (I think my BMI is also in the lower half of the 30s... not that I pay attention bc that's not what BMI was designed for) in an Asian country. It's hard enough in the US and over here, Asian sizes are notorious for "plan on buying at least one size up from your US size, probably two." I hav e enough of an interest in Asian fashion that I go looking occasionally and immediately have to laugh in pain at "size: XL waist: 112cm" type size charts. (my waist for reference is 50in/127cm)

You should definitely see a physical therapist if you can find a decent one (I have no advice for this, on account of there being an ocean between us, and also I myself have never actually used one). I only had immediate pain from standing during the worst of my Bad Hip period, but I have permanent back problems and can't stand for long periods without an assistive device (which in my case means... a heavy backpack as a counterweight. Lmao.)

Also, as far as fatigue goes, if your body is running estrogen as your primary hormone, get checked for anemia! I had horrific anemia before getting on T, and it was a definite factor in my chronic fatigue.

And, well, yeah, none of what you described with your relatives is surprising to me, as someone who has followed actual weight health science all my life as a survival need. Humans tend to vary by 5 or so pounds in either direction depending on various factors, but any weight loss of more than 10-15 lbs (please don't ask me to convert to kilos I don't have that one memorized) is like... it's medically concerning... unless the person is dieting! then it's fine!

Yeah, bullshit.

Good luck out there anon.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (badger system) + bird secondary

Hi Wisteria! I'm sorry to add to the mayhem that is your ask box, but I'd love it if you could sort me. Warning: I'm a former gifted kid with social anxiety disorder (and probably some mystery flavor of neurodivergence), so some of that might be more prevalent in my explanation than my actual personality and such. Sorry for that in advance... and onto the word vomit.

a burnt secondary I see

(or not - that's just my little joke that apologizing in asks and burnt secondaries go together)

I know I'm sort of Idealist primary, since I've never really been attached to people the way Loyalists are described to be, but maybe I'm not seeing things objectively. We'll see.

I was very, very into books as a kid. My area of giftedness is language so I guess that kinda makes sense. I read a lot of fantasy growing up, but I especially liked books about history like the Magic Treehouse or Royal Diaries series because I was learning things about the real world. Like, knowing random facts about history and culture was kinda cool. I read books about how babies were made, different breeds of dogs and how they were bred, Greek mythology, and a whole lot more. My family called me a walking encyclopedia cause sometimes I'd just blurt out random facts about things, like how fish was "brain food" because the fatty acids in it help with memory. I was six.

I'm very much a Built secondary. I didn't like going into things without a game plan. I think my best example I bought a book called A Girl's Guide to Starting Middle School

oh my god I remember that book!!!!! oh that's nostalgic.

so that I could have an idea of what middle school would be like so I could plan what to wear, how to go about my classes, and how to make friends. It could've also been the social anxiety starting to form, but I still find this hilarious. I enjoyed being in Girl Scouts because it taught me skills such as woodworking and first aid that actually proved to be helpful later. The troop was cool too, but I was there to learn how to show off, lmao.

So we've either got a Bird secondary, or a beloved Bird model.

I assumed a mom/therapist friend role in most friend groups and naturally gravitated toward positions of leadership as well. I was good at getting to the root of issues and figuring out where to go from there. My friends had me playing middle man between them and another friend or their partner veryyy often.

And now this is starting to sound badger secondary to me. Solving problems by leveraging the groups.

I was co-editor of my middle school yearbook, leader and researcher of every group project I was in, and a part-time basketball coach during my first year of college.

I know you say you don't think you're a loyalist, but I am noticing you are bringing up a LOT of groups. Your friends, your girl scout troop, the yearbook, the basketball team...

Imposter syndrome got the better of me that time, though.

I mean, imposter syndrome is just *a thing* but I do sort of wonder if maybe your primary got a little bit Burned. Just a light char.

I care a whole lot about social issues and progressive action. I try my best to lead with empathy and understanding before anything else.

Sounding a little bit Badger primary there...

I know I shouldn't be racist, but why? I know I shouldn't be misogynistic, but why? I know I shouldn't be homophobic, but why? And once I figure all of that out, what do each of those look like in real time and how do I fix it?

... and then you hit me with the Bird. I'm going to be very surprised if you don't end up being a Bird primary.

My moral system could also appear very Badger at times as well. Accepting individuals for the sake of the individual is my main principle, as the well as the classic "treat others the way you want to be treated." This is why I dislike greed, arrogance, self-righteousness, etc.: they all lead to an unfair treatment of others, treatment of others that one wouldn't want turned back on themselves. I also believe in inclusivity, whether that be of different neurodivergencies, disabilities, races, sexualities, gender identities, you name it.

You're a Bird primary who's built a Badger-flavored system.

Another weird thing I noticed that I've done growing up is be comfortable alone as long as I didn't have to compromise who I was. It sucked to be made fun of for my interests sometimes, sure, but it always felt equally as stupid and degrading to stop doing something because someone else said so. What was the point of winning their approval and getting to hang out with them if I didn't get to do anything I wanted anyway?

Very much an idealist stance to take. I guess it's possible that you're a very intellectual Lion who has intellectualize their moral position... but I'm still leaning Bird.

If I was in a serious mood but the group I was with was more loud, I didn't feel the need to try to act more energetic. I contributed to the conversations in my own way. I think some people perceive this as awkward, and in some cases it probably is more awkward not to just adapt, but it's not my natural inclination to do so.

Hmm. That makes me think that you're not a Badger. A young Badger would have been at least tempted to mirror a little bit. I think it's possible that you've built a Badger secondary model... but more likely that the loud Badger of your system has just sort of seeped into the way you interact with the world.

That's all I can really think of at the moment... let me know what you think!

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[probably-autistic-moss]

Moss relates + Is it an autistic trait?

Woah, our first crossover, lmao.

ANXIETY AND AUTISM

-

⚠️⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: SH AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ⚠️⚠️⚠️

-

From 2016 to 2018, I went to therapy.

I was severely depressed, I had panic attacks almost everyday, I often thought about ending it all, and I had issues with handling social situations. I also used to SH, as a way to punish myself for a lot of things I was made fun for - things I now recognize as autistic traits.

My therapist, Dani, first helped me to stop physically hurting myself, and before I quitted therapy for economic reasons, she was starting to tackle my emotional SH.

I loved Dani, because she loves Marilyn Manson - pls do not talk about the allegations against him, I already have a blog where I sometimes do that, and this post isn't about him - as much as I do. When tackling my issues with emotions - confusion about them, difficulty with expressing them and/or myself - she started asking me which one of his songs was relatable to what I was feeling. It worked extremely well, so much so that I confessed to her how much I quoted music in general and movies to express myself, because I was scared of expressing myself in the wrong way and being misunderstood. She took it as another symptom of my anxiety.

We talked about many other things, and I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and with a major depressive disorder.

When, around 2 years ago, I started to suspect I'm autistic, I never really thought about my other 2 diagnosis... until now.

As whoever actually follows me knows, I stopped doing active researches on autism in fear of just being influenced by what I was reading, so now I just research what I randomly find out on socials.

I saw this TikTok, talking about autism and anxiety, and it's incredibly similar to my experience. I wasn't medically treated for anxiety and depression just because I didn't have the money to do the visits that would have allowed me to be prescribed with antidepressants and other meds, and now I'm asking myself if those meds could have worked or not.

I'm pretty sure I really did/do have a major depressive disorder, especially because of all the physical and the emotional SH, and the emotional SH I still do. I also had a pretty traumatic childhood that could be the main cause of my depression.

But what about autism?

Could autism be another reason for my depression, and the main reason of my anxiety? Is my anxiety an autistic trait, since it's exactly like that TikTok describes?

I keep asking myself these things, and I wish I could have an answer.

[beelzzzebub]

So, the new therapist I saw today said that she thinks that a lot of the anxiety I described to her probably has to do with my OCD. Which, like, ok.

Except that she didn't explain this literally at all. I did CBT with an OCD specialist for three months. And not once did any of the stuff I told this new person come up. And like, we spent a lot of time figuring out what my OCD is and how to work with it. The anxiety stuff I described is not obsessions. There are no compulsions associated with the thoughts I was describing. Like, I know what my OCD feels like at this point. These feelings of anxiety are worse than they have been in the past, and I know that some of it sort of resembles intrusive thoughts. I get those too. But I just really do not see this being OCD as well.

My anxiety has been worse recently, and I also have concerns that other people have brought up about other things (i.e. potentially being autistic). And I just. I don't know. I really need therapy lmao. And this is just. Idk. It's really bugging me.

I already have my regular doctor attributing the majority of my OCD to regular anxiety. She describes tic attacks, and what another therapist has pointed to as potential autistic meltdowns, as panic attacks, which I know they are not. I have experienced panic attacks on very few occasions, and I continue to tell her that they are not the same experience. This doctor for some reason will also not refer to my tics as tics. It's so frustrating, all around. I'm scared that this new therapist is going to misattribute the issues, just like my doctor is doing, and I won't be able to do anything about it.

I'm probably making this into more of a big deal than it is; my mom always tells me about spilled milk, but I cry over that too.

I just already have information misrepresented on the summary written by this doctor that I literally have to submit for school accommodations. It works well enough to get the accommodations I need, which is good, but the point is that is misrepresents what is going on to my mom, and I already have a hard enough time getting her to understand what's going on as it is. Panic attacks aren't the issue for me. Tic attacks, and other stuff that I can't really identify, are. I don't just have motor tics, I have vocal tics too. Anxiety is a problem, but so is OCD, which isn't even mentioned. And again, I want to emphasize, I do not have panic attacks in any concerning capacity. And yet this is what half of my doctor's summary of my condition is focused on. She says that I have been battling symptoms of panic attacks for several years. This is just wrong. And I am so.

I don't know.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Different anon, but I second the gentle suggestion of seeing a therapist! It’s okay that you already know what stresses you out, it means that whoever you see will have a jump start on trying to help! Some therapists are a better fit than others, and it’s okay to tell them directly “I want help with x y z”. Also, I can’t remember if you’re still in grad school or not, but sometimes schools will offer a few sessions for free! Take advantage of it! Sending love and support with whatever you decide to do!

Thanks! Yeah, all of my councling (except 2 sessions with a lady at an independent therapist office) have been free through school. I'm not sure it that is still an option now that I'm university staff as a lab tech and not a student. But you are correct and thanks for the suggestion :-)

[emonaculate]

Streamer Eren Headcanon pt 2

`❥ AU: Modern!AU

`❥ Genre: Fluff

`❥ Pairing: Streamer!Eren x Black!Reader

`❥ Warnings Include: Profanity, Established relationship, Eren is a dork

`❥ Author Note: You guys loved the first one so much I decided to do it again. Sorry if it isn't as good as the first one, I'm working on other projects at the same time

Eren met you during college and was instantly smitten

You were a foreign student studying abroad

He spent months trying to learn English just to properly talk to you

You finally cave in and go on dates with him because slfkssrlw how could you not when he's that sweet

Having said that, when you're frustrated whilst he streams, to check on you he'll switch over to English.

"Hey pretty girl whats wrong?"

"I can't find the letters for my cross word."

"....Aha lemme see."

He is trying his hardest not to laugh at your cute little scrunched up face as he helps you find the word.

During his charity streams, by popular vote, he lets you do his make up

Despite the stream being 24 hrs long people continue to watch because the interactions are too cute.

" 'Ren stay still."

"It feels moist."

"Never say that again."

"Wait. Babe. I want the thingy on my eyes."

"Thingy?"

"Yeah the sharp shit and the stuff on my lashes."

"Its called wing liner and mascara, Eren."

"Yeah that shit."

"Don't swear. Kids are watching."

"Man fuck them-"

"Yeager."

"....Ahem... sorry."

He is definitely the baddest bitch after you finish <3

Kept the make up on even after the stream finished

He may be a COD player but he does not have toxic masculinity

LOVES how he looks when pampered and whilst he'll never go out of his way to do make up or use your products; if you ever offer he's down

"What that's shit on your face?"

"It's an Indian face mask."

"It looks like throw up."

"Do you wanna try it?"

"Yes."

Once talked shit about braids not hurting that bad.

So the only natural solution was to make a bet

You styled his beautiful long hair into nice and neat cornrows (if you can't braid, take him to the africans)

He couldn't even sit through the procedure, literally got up and left midway through

"Fuck no. I like pain as much as the next guy but hell no."

"Aw baby what wrong? I thought it wasn't that bad."

Went on stream the next day to talk about the experience and why he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Everyone can tell that your relationship is serious when you accidentally broke his PS5

Like he gets absolutely livid and wants to do nothing more than yell at you

But after seeing your teary eyed expression and your broken apologies in German

He just accepts it and steps completely out of the room to keep from blowing up on you.

It takes a few days and even though you feel completely like shit, you dont bother him

He finally comes around and just holds you tightly

No words or anything

His gesture is enough to let you know he forgives you.

He gets a new one immediately and is more careful when it comes to letting you mess with alone though lmao

Decides to do the little draw my life video and moves people to tears without trying

He thought his trauma was normal pfft

While that gets to people, what really affects his audience is when he get to how you make him feel

"If I can describe Y/n with one word, I'd have to say sunshine. You know that feeling when you've seen nothing but depressing rainstorms for months at a time but just that one day, the sun pokes out and shows that the world isn't so gloomy and bad. It's actually quite beautiful. The sun manages to make those sad raindrops look like diamonds. Thats Y/n to me. She makes the days where I feel at my worst better in every way. "

Eren suffers from a couple mental illnesses which is why he donates to their respected charities

He suffers from ADHD, Depression, and Anger issues.

Now you can't just magically make all of his issues go away but you being around does soothe him in a special way

Not many people can do that and LOTS have tried

But you just manage to get him in ways he cant explain

Even the videos with all of his friends involved, his focus on you

Fans can tell when you guys are not together during streams

Eren's temper is a lot shorter and he pops off quickly.

And of course he just so happens to play "getting over it"

This is one of those times he gets cancelled

Coochie-manz63: wow ur trash

"You're literally someone who hides behind a fucking screen to talk shit but I know if I was in front of you; there would be no exchange because if you so much looked at me wrong, I would have beaten your ass into fucking next year, you dyslexic fucking waste of space. Learn how to goddamn spell before you try to talk shit again."

IloveYEAGGGGER23: Damn..

You ended up being the one to clean up his mess, yet again

"Eren is very sorry for his actions, He understands how his words can be hurtful to others.. Right babe?"

"Huh? Oh um yeah.. My bad ig."

After the apology video, you give Eren one of your famous lectures.

"Eren you can't treat others like that just because you get a little upset. Remember what your therapist said about controlling your temper. You can't just do it when I'm around, you have to do it all the time.

Now Eren loves you to pieces but your lectures just do not help his ADHD mind.

So to shut you up, he does the only thing he knows how

Takes your breath and thoughts away with his passionate kisses.

His pattern is always the same

He pretends to listen, nodding occasionally, stands up and moves closer to you.

Grabs your jaw gently and tips your head back before capturing your lips into a sheering kiss that always leaves you breathless

"What were we talking about?"

"We were just going to get some food."

You're just as weak for Eren as he is for you <3

[disassociation-culture-is]

I was writing out my feelings today and realized this sensation might be disassociation. I have thought a lot of my focus problems were ADHD (amnesia at even happy memories is a thing for me), but I also feel really uncomfortable with conceptualizing myself outside of my tasks. It's not social anxiety, I have no problems talking to a customer for half an hour but if they compliment me a lot or ask to buy me something, I get very uncomfortable. Being invisible is my goal in life? I want to contribute to society but not have anyone aware I exist. I want to experience things but not be aware that I, myself, are experiencing them. Is that... Potentially Disassociation? Tysm

Possibly depersonalization?

But tbh that sounds like a more specific trauma response of sorts, not necessarily a dissociative one. Like close to a fawn response?

I definitely experience something similar to what you've described *seperately* and in different ways than I experience most dissociation. Sometimes it'll bleed into my dpdr symptoms- "I don't exist without other people interacting with me", "I'm on stand-by for other people only", etc.- but also just in general I feel like how you described. My goal in life is to be less invisible and more a side character/npc in other people's stories, but that stems from my (recessing!!) savior complex, having been the "therapist friend" in most of my relationships until now, and having a perpetually low self-esteem/worth. Idk I might be interpreting what you're saying poorly lmao

Yea, I'd try looking more into self-worth issues, fawn/flight responses, attatchment styles/issues, etc. before dissociation, but if you find it bothers you deeper or differently than those things do, then maybe take a look at depersonalization?

And y'know take this with a grain of salt and look into seeing a professional if possible!! Good luck!!

[atlabeth]

transferred part twelve - atla smau

masterlist | part eleven | part thirteen

this takes place about 2 weeks after the last chapter

summary: trying to run from your past is hard, but falling for your brother’s roommate is even harder. little do you know that he’s falling for you as well. 

wc: 3.6k 

a/n: i’ve been writing bits and pieces of this since the start of this series so. enjoy. that’s all im gonna say lmao 

warning(s): cursing, mentions of familial death, mentions of abuse, some angst but also some fluff. this is kind of a heavy chapter because both zuko and y/n talk about their past, but there is fluff at the end. 

~~~~~~~~

You pushed your hair out of your face and tried to blink the sleep out of your eyes, catching a glimpse of the time on the corner of your laptop. 

3:23 AM. 

You should’ve been asleep a long time ago, but all of your professors had decided to schedule tests in the same week so it was one of many, many late nights you had had lately. You thought that they would cool down because midterms were coming up, but BSSU professors kept proving you wrong. Late nights like these were becoming a regular occasion, and right now you just needed a break. 

The tea dates with Zuko were the only things keeping you sane. But could you even call them dates? 

It was the two of you, together, sitting and talking over tea for hours, and they were happening multiple times a week. In fact, you and him had gotten tea together exactly 9 times in the past two weeks — and that wasn’t even counting all the talking during your shared shifts. 

Katara, Suki, and Toph told you that they were dates, you wanted them to be dates, but there was a part of you that was so incredibly scared that you were wrong — that moving past that bridge would ruin the friendship that you cherished so much with Zuko — that you kept things solely platonic. No matter how much you wanted to kiss him every time he gave you that smile. 

But thinking about the complicated relationship you had found yourself entangled in with Zuko wasn’t a break, no matter how many times you had pondered over it before falling asleep in the wee hours of the night. 

You closed your laptop and grabbed your jacket that had been carelessly tossed on a stool at the kitchen island, making sure to sneak out of the apartment as quietly as you could. You opted to work in the living room, choosing to camp out on the sofa whenever you had to stay up as late as this, just so you wouldn’t wake up Sokka. Your brother had no idea how much you did for him. 

The cool breeze hitting your face and the shining stars in the sky were a welcome change of scenery from the lifelessness that was your apartment at night and your computer screen that you were sure was going to cause you eye issues later in life with how bright it was. 

You took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling the crisp night air, and started to walk. You were sure you looked like a mess. You were wearing some flannel pajama pants, a BSSU tank top, tennis shoes, and Zuko’s jacket.  He had never asked for it back after that night at the party, and when you had showed up to one of your hangouts wearing it, he told you that you could keep it — “it looks better on you anyways” — so you did. 

There was something calming about the atmosphere. You knew that a lot of women were anxious about going out at night, especially alone, but that was why you had taken self defense classes. Being friends with Suki was a self defense class in its own, and it was very much appreciated. You allowed yourself to get lost in your thoughts, trying to give yourself the break that you deserved, when the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. 

“You know, it’s not safe to be out alone at this hour.” 

You let out a scream at the unexpected voice and whirled around, your fists already up to defend yourself. When you saw who it was, you laughed, completely shocked, and hit your hands against your legs, trying to calm your rapidly beating heart. 

“Holy shit, Zuko, you can’t just sneak up on someone like that!” you wheezed. You had no doubt that he only had good intentions, but for a second you thought someone was going to try and kill you. You had to admit, the scare was worth it to see the mix of horror and embarrassment on Zuko’s face.

“I’m so sorry!” His hands were held up placatingly in front of him and he let out a nervous laugh as well, but it did nothing to cover up the wide eyes he stared at you with. “I am so sorry, I didn’t even think about that. I- I was just up studying too, and I heard you leaving so I thought you could use some company- I swear, I wasn’t trying to scare you or anything!” 

You shook your head but couldn’t stop the smile on your lips, gesturing for him to come closer while you caught your breath. “It’s fine. Come on, walk with me.”

He fell into step beside you and the two of you walked in silence for a while, the only disruptions being the occasional car that drove by. It was eerily quiet, but with Zuko, it was nice. 

“So-”

“So-” 

Both of you laughed when you each interrupted the other, and when you motioned for Zuko to go first he shook his head. You paused for a moment, the question on the tip of your tongue, before you decided to take the plunge. 

“I’ve been wondering since I got here; how did you end up as friends with—” You gestured around with your hands. “—this whole crew? It’s kind of a weird combination of people, so I guess I just wanna know how you became a part of it.” 

Zuko sighed and ran a hand through his hair, causing your eyes to widen a little bit as a stammered apology came out. “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to-” He gave you a tight smile and shook his head. 

“No, it’s fine. You should know about my life if— if we’re going to keep living together.” He knew the moment he met you, the moment he agreed to let you live with all of them, that he would have to explain his past to you. Hell, your siblings might have already told you some of it — he could only hope you’d still want to be his friend after he was done. 

“”I.. I wasn’t the best person in the past. I was a horrible person actually, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I was given so many chances to change. I hurt people. Bullied people. Got into fights just because I could. I was just- horrible is the only way to describe it. But your siblings, Toph, Aang? They were all people that decided to give me one of those chances, and they’re a huge reason that I am who I am today.” Zuko spoke slowly, and you could tell that this was something he didn’t open up to many people about. You smiled softly at him and nodded, letting him know that he could go on. 

“I don’t know how much you know about my father, but he’s the CEO of our family company. He’s been this huge presence in the business world for as long as I can remember, and he’s responsible for all the wealth and fame that our family has today. And when I was younger, I idolized him. I thought he was the greatest man in the world, that he could do no wrong, and I just followed him blindly. He was the most important person in my life, but.. I was nothing to him.” 

“He didn’t care about his friends, or- or his family, he only cared about power. My mother left when I was young, we haven’t heard a word from her since, and- and I don’t even know if he cared. My father would do whatever it took to become as powerful as he could, and that meant—” Zuko’s voice was getting louder and he cleared his throat, trying to keep his cool. There was a certain hollowness behind his eyes, and it tore you to pieces. “That meant hurting anyone that went against him. Including his children.”  

“I have a sister, Azula. She’s a prodigy in every sense of the word, and my father used it, used her. She was clearly his favorite, and it drove me insane. I mean, I did everything for his approval, but he only cared about Azula. We had a good relationship when we were younger, but my father molded her into the kind of person he wanted her to be, and— and I was jealous of her. He used that against us, purposefully staked the fire of our competition, one that I thought I could somehow win. But we had both already lost the second we started fighting against each other.” 

“It took me a long time to realize that.. that he was abusing us. I mean, he gave me this scar all because I spoke out of turn, and— and I still thought that I could earn his favor, that he deserved to earn my favor! He threw me out of the house when I was thirteen, and I went to live with my uncle. It took an even longer time, but with his help, and the support of your siblings and their friends, I was able to break the cycle. I was horrible to them at first, all of them, and I hated my father for what he did, but it was probably the thing that saved me.”  “And Azula.. leaving her will always be my biggest regret. My biggest mistake. I should’ve forced her to come with me when I was kicked out, I should’ve done something sooner, because maybe she wouldn’t have turned out the way she did.” He swallowed hard, his voice strained. “I came back for her once I was stable, and I helped her get out. I helped her get a therapist. It’s been a long process, but she’s getting better every day. But not a day goes by where I don’t think about what I could’ve done to help her more.”

You instinctively reached out for Zuko’s hand, and to your surprise, he took it without question. You gave his hand a small squeeze and led him over to a nearby bench — without realizing it, the two of you had entered a public park that was near the complex. When you sat down together, you moved so that one of your legs was crossed in front of you and the other was hanging down so you could face him. 

“Zuko.. I am so, so sorry. I don’t think any amount of apologies will be able to get how I feel across, but.. you didn’t deserve to go through that. No one deserves to go through that.” You took both of his hands, thankful for the warmth they provided. “Listen to me. Are you listening to me?” 

He gave a pained smile and nodded. “Yes, Y/N. I’m listening to you.” 

“You are not who you were in middle school. You are not who you were in high school. Okay? Your father is a horrible man, and you wouldn’t have done any of those things if it wasn’t for him. What you did when you were younger wasn’t okay, but the fact that you have so much remorse for it today proves that you’re a good person. Zuko, you are a good person, one of the best men that I’ve ever met in my life, and I’ve only known you for a few months.” 

You were subconsciously rubbing calming circles into the back of his hands —  hands that were still holding yours — while you talked, but it was all Zuko could think about.  “I know you feel guilty about leaving your sister, but you did what you had to do to get out. You came back for her, and you’ve helped her get better. She’s grateful for it, Zuko, I know that much.” 

“Everyone else has forgiven you,” you murmured, staring deep into the fire he held in his eyes. “You deserve to forgive yourself.”

The silence that passed while you gazed into each other’s eyes felt like it lasted an eternity, when really it was only about a minute. Zuko was the first to break it, clearing his throat and looking everywhere but at you as his words tumbled out. “I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to dump all of this on you at once.”

“It’s okay, Zuko, really. I understand; sometimes you just need to talk to somebody. You don’t know how much it means to me that you trusted me with all of that. And.. if we’re still baring our souls to each other, then I guess I have some things that you should know as well.” 

You bit the inside of your cheek; were you really about to tell Zuko about what happened? Most people knew that your mother was dead — killed in a drunk driving accident when you were ten — but you had never told anyone, not even your father or your siblings, about the full effect it had on you. But his eyes told you more than he ever could, and in that moment you knew it would be okay. You could trust him with something you had never trusted anyone else with.

“I’m sure you know that my mother died when I was young.” He nodded and you swallowed, trying to get rid of the sudden dryness in your throat. “It was.. hard. Really hard, on all of us. It was just so unexpected that we didn’t know what to do. We didn’t really have any money to spare, so my dad had to keep working, and I had to take care of Sokka and Katara. I was only eleven, but I basically had to take over the ‘mom’ role. Our grandmother came down to take care of us so we wouldn’t just be a bunch of kids living on our own, but even with her and Katara’s help, it was still hard. Sokka and Katara had to grow up much faster than they should’ve, even though I tried to shield them as much as I could.” 

“It was.. a lot. I won’t lie to you, it was a lot. Maybe too much.” A mirthless laugh hung in the air and you had to blink back the tears threatening to spring. “My mother was.. amazing. She was the only one who truly got me, you know? She was just this— this beautiful spirit in the world, and she brought light wherever she went. And when she died, it left this.. huge, gaping hole in my heart, one that I’m still trying to fill. I- I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fill it. I thought as I got older it would be easier, but i-it’s not. The three of us joke around by calling Katara mom because of how she is, and they sometimes do it to me, and I know that’s all they are, jokes, but some part of it still hurts.” 

You were rambling now, spilling your soul to Zuko, going into the most mundane details that you had never told anyone. You had taken away the dam that had been holding back the waters of your emotions for so long, and now Zuko was going to drown in them. But you couldn’t stop.

“It’s the reason why I didn’t drive for so long. I didn’t want to, I was terrified of it because of what happened to my mother, but someone needed to be able to take Sokka and Katara around. And- and as I got older, and I started going to parties and people started drinking, I never did. I couldn’t, I was always the designated driver, because I couldn’t leave that in someone else’s hands. I had to be in control, because if I let someone go, then it was like I was killing my mother all over again, and it’s the reason why I always have to be the one driving—” 

You paused to take a deep breath, and as you looked down at your hands, you realized they were shaking. Not just your hands, but your entire body. What the hell were you doing? You let out a tearful laugh, covering your mouth with one hand and shaking your head. “God, I am so sorry, I— I don’t know what got into me.”

Zuko’s eyes never left yours, his own glassy, and he shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize. Like you said, it helps to tell someone. A-and— I know how you feel, what it’s like feeling like you have to give up the world for your siblings. But you have to take care of yourself too. You’re not just what you can give to other people. You are your own person.”

He was thankful that you trusted him enough to tell you something like this about yourself, something that your own blood didn’t even know, but it also made him realize that you had always trusted him. 

Your point about driving. You liked to be in control so that if something did go wrong, there wouldn’t be any thoughts of what you could’ve done. If something happened, it was because of you and only you. And on your first day of classes, and many trips since, you had let him drive. It was something so small, so insignificant to anyone, but to you it was a sign of trust. 

You trusted him. 

“You’re shivering.” Your voice snapped Zuko back to reality and he shrugged, the smallest smile playing on his lips. 

“I wouldn’t be if someone had given me my jacket back,” he joked. You elbowed him in the chest and stood up, holding out your hand for him to take to help him up as well. Zuko took it and you ignored the butterflies that erupted, setting a steady pace as the two of you walked. 

“We should get back to the apartment. It’s late, and you need to sleep,” you chided. 

“You have bags the size of baseballs under your eyes. I think you need sleep just as much as I do.” 

“I’m special,” you shot back with a grin.

Yeah, you are, Zuko thought. 

The walk back to the apartment was shrouded in comfortable silence and intertwined hands, something that neither of you made any move to change.

~~~~~~~~

Soon enough you had gotten back to your rooms — such a small apartment meant that they were right next to each other — and as you turned on your heel to face him, a shy smile played on your lips. “Thank you. For, uh- coming after me. For listening to me.” 

“Of course,” he nodded. The two of you stood in silence for a while, and then Zuko reached out his hand. Your breath caught in your throat as he brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear, and the close proximity combined with the surprisingly intimate act caused your cheeks to heat up once more. It was like you were caught in a trance.

Your gaze flickered from his eyes to his lips for just a moment, and you could’ve sworn that he did the same. The air between the two of you was crackling with unseen electricity, and before you could question yourself you were leaning forward. 

You felt him lean in as well as your eyes fluttered shut, and his lips ghosted over yours. Your eyes snapped open and you stared at him, your lips slightly parted in disbelief — he just kissed you. Zuko just kissed you. It was like time had stopped — and then it all came crashing down. His lips came back to yours with an intense fervor, cupping your face in his hands to get as close to you as possible.

It was bliss in the purest sense. You reciprocated immediately, tangling a hand in his dark hair, letting out a soft gasp as your back hit the wall. Despite how many times you had imagined this moment, nothing could compare to the real thing. It was passionate but gentle all the same, and the warmth that spread through your whole body was familiar — it was Zuko. 

Your mind was a jumbled mess. It was split a million different ways; one part suddenly very worried about how your hair looked, one hoping that Sokka and Aang couldn’t hear you, another that didn’t care, but most of them were just screaming about how oh my god you were kissing Zuko.

You knew your whole face was flushed when you finally pulled away, and the warmth of his lips lingered as the two of you stared at each other, breathing slightly labored. You tentatively reached out your hand and softly, carefully traced your finger over a part of his scar. He flinched at the contact instinctively, but you felt him relax and even lean into your touch. It meant more than you could ever say, especially knowing what you knew now. 

“You’re so beautiful,” you murmured, your touch impossibly soft against the cracked skin of his scar. “And you’re stronger than anyone knows. Than you know.” 

You kissed him again, shorter and sweeter than the first but just as tender, trying to memorize the feeling of his lips against yours as he returned it. You smiled at him and pushed your door open behind you, equal parts nervous and exhilarated about what just happened. “Goodnight, Zuko,” you whispered, shining eyes never leaving his until you closed the door.  

As soon as you were in your room you turned around and leaned against the door, smiling to yourself like an idiot. Your hand ghosted over your cheek, the spot where his hands had been, and you sighed dreamily. You had no idea how you were going to be able to finish studying. 

This was definitely more than a small crush. 

~~~~~~~~~~

perm taglist: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin

taglist: @ourbestfriend-mishacollins @lil-lex1 @xxshad0wxb1rdxx @zuko-is-the-sun @akiris @irohs-teapot @thatarthistorynerd @charlenasaxen @minninugget @marvel-ousnesss @count-thotticus @what-ye-egg @furblrwurblr @thesstuff @mariachiii @ietss @dizzy-miss-lizzieeeeee @xbarrjallenx @tommy-braccoli @dreamsluvrr @floofybread @thelovelylolly @lin-biefong-is-my-life @tiffanyy-21 @sistheselenophile @theincredibledeadlyviper​ @bakugouswh0r3​

send an ask, a dm, or reply if you want to be added to the taglist! 

also i am so sorry i suck at writing kiss scenes dont roast me please

[candorarchives]

Confession

Author’s note: This is Part 1. Apparently things were getting way too long and I was having too much fun. Might post the second part when the mood strikes. “And now...we wait,” I muttered under my breath. The clothing given to me was passable, but fitted badly on my form. It was made for someone with more mass than I did. Usually, I’d like the quiet, but the lack of sound was more unsettling than anyone would have anticipated. 

The confession booth was rather dark, a small light illuminating the inside. Though there were holes for light to pass through, this wasn’t enough. It kept whoever was inside hidden from sight, yet seeing the congregant confessing in plain view. I was never raised Catholic, so its significance is unfortunately lost on me. But the psychological phenomena was not. 

Humans, in their constant search for meaning, have propped up the belief in the divine. A means to avoid being accountable—a reason to resign themselves to fate. To have a semblance of wrong and right that won’t necessarily make absolute sense. 

But who watches over the arbiters of sin? Men of the cloth, clothed in black yet none know what their souls are made of. I came here to learn their ways—to uncover the truths hidden beneath their rites and rituals. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. The worst I’ve heard is some priests talking over what was the worst thing they’ve heard out of a confession booth. 

I pity their congregants. 

Currently, there haven’t been many people going to confession. I’ve had the routine memorized already. Get the person to say the prayer of contrition, listen to them confess their sins, and provide means of making penance. It’s a bit similar to actual psychotherapy—just more of a legalistic affair. 

Footsteps grew louder as a small line started to form near the confession booth. I have been working for about two weeks now—but the feeling is something akin to a month. The patterns have become familiar, like knowing how to read notes. The steps have become piano pieces. Regular visitors were becoming more and more obvious by the day. 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” A feminine voice graced my ear. One too familiar for my liking. “I’ve never confessed in my life, Father...but I aim to rectify this today.” 

I say the usual things, but there’s a lack of authenticity to it. “Speak, my child.” 

“I’ve been thinking...about someone. I don’t see them often, you see.” Her tone takes a solemn approach—but we both know she’s not used to being here. “And, Father—my heart grows fonder for them every single day. They light a fire in me that I cannot quench, and this....has led me down a dark path.” 

The fact that I couldn’t discern for certain that she was making this all up was most concerning. It was even worse that she sounded so sincere...have I lost? Has someone taken her from me already? No. That cannot be. It cannot be. “Continue,” I said whilst trying to compose myself. 

“I longed for him each day, but never tried to approach. It took so long for me to gain the initiative—but worst of all...I started to be….” The rest was unintelligible. Whoever has gained the upper hand from me...he’s gotten her wrapped under his thumb. To get her to stutter and blush at the mere mention of your name...how quaint. “Well...you get the point. It all started when Mr Wing had asked me to send a package to this man…” 

Oh no. 

The realization hit, her narrative unfolding. “He was setting up a card tower….” It was her psychological evaluation. I’m surprised that she remembers it as if it happened yesterday. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The difference between confessing to a priest and confiding in one’s therapist is that the latter has better solutions to fix the issues at hand. A priest is more often than not ready and willing to blame it on one’s spiritual failings than a psychological problem that can be overcome. 

“Though I racked my brain, there was no plausible way the cards would fall.” The goal was never to keep the tower in place. Though I did admire her tenacity for the former. That day she had already proven herself to me...and yet I could not find enough evidence to convince myself that confession was the endgame. 

She was still in the middle of the narrative. “The ensuing nights led me into quite the dreamscape, Father.” Long story short, the dream she was describing was both lucid and made me question for how long she had been harboring these feelings. It took my entire being to control myself—knowing the consequences if I lost control now. You can ask her about it later, just focus on the mission, Richter. Let’s just say it’s not helping that I’m listening to someone describing body parts that shouldn’t be out in the open. “My dear, such dirty thoughts...a more...intense purification is needed it seems.” 

“What do you mean, Father? Shan’t a fervent recitation of the Rosary not do? I could do community service, serve the parish—I don’t understand.” 

Honestly, I could not continue the conversation. Was I succumbing to the darkness yet again? Or awakening it? I could not ascertain. The detective game was one thing, getting into character was easy, but this? I was grasping at straws at this point. “The sins you’ve committed are not so easily absolved, dear.” 

The initiation ceremony flashed, almost in a blink of an eye. I remember having to watch this innocent woman give confession, the priest inside the booth looking flush in the face. But his lust emanated into the hall...and the rest was history. Something I’d wish to forget, yes, but history nonetheless. 

Her voice brought me back to the present day—more of a reminder of the grim reality that faced us. We were playing roles, I a priest about to pounce, and her the innocent damsel in distress. The fact that she was this brings about an unexplained heaviness. A part of me screams to sneak out of the booth and not bring it up, but the information is so close. It’s in my grasp, give it a day, I just have to…. 

Rosa, could you ever forgive me? 

“Father? Am I...am I damned forever?” The fear in her voice heightens. If I didn’t know it was her I’d be honestly worried. “Have I become so unclean that not even Christ can cleanse me?”

To be continued... Tagging @gloryofluv who has been screeching at me to get this posted lmao