#i accept that I am not hip or trendy

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

[gepperl]

TRANS MALE PASSING PROTIPS

Targeted specifically at trans men who have not begun medical transition, but for anyone. Of course, this is just what works for me and everyone is different.

Shorts that fall mid thigh and are baggy can work really well to make a more masculine figure. This is a trendy style with cis men, and if they are looser on your thighs you can look more rectangular. Basketball shorts are always fine, but for bigger people can end up sticking to your thighs and making you look like a masc lesbian. Looking like a masc lesbian is so so common guys this is what we are trying to avoid. See here for reference

2. WALK WITH YOUR SHOULDERS. Walk like your shoulders are the widest part of your body. Move them kinda forward and backward. Watch a video of a man walking next to a woman for context on what I mean. Women walk with their hips, and it makes all the difference for you in someone's head. Practice in the mirror before doing it so you don't look like a fool.

3. Hair!!!! I know you guys don't want to let go of the 2020 fluffy boi haircut and that is ok. If you don't want a skin fade short haircut, there are other options. Also, if you belong to a subculture, like punk/emo/whatever else there is, look at male styles as it can be very different than what is normally accepted ( for example, men have long hair in metal subculture, you can style it like them). In general, hair is very meticulous, as for some people too short is masc lesbian and too long is woman.

This kind of hair can do wonders. For men of color/curly hair people, if you are not out locs are a very good option as they are typically read as masculine but are gender neutral. Afros, braids, even skin fades with a lot of hair at the top can read feminine. Another style option could be short cornrows that end at the neck, twists, or a fade with less hair at the top like this.

I am not black, so I cannot speak for how this would be read in a black community, but this is how, from my experience, I would view the hairstyles. Sorry if this is not appropriate. Also, I am not here to tell you not to dye your hair. It can work if you style it with masculine clothes and are dressed in a specific style like emo or scene or something. Do what you will with that.

4. If there is ANY peach fuzz on your face, make the most of it. I know I have high testosterone levels naturally, so I grow facial hair a little, but if there is enough to dye it, dye it. If there is like barely any, if its not visible in the mirror if you're really looking (not INSPECTING), it's probably not worth it, and that is fine. use your judgement, and if it is not enough, just shave it. It's better to look clean shaven than desperate for face hair. Eyebrows, mustache hair, sideburns can all be darkened with eyeshadow, brow brushes, and just for men beard dye.

5. LAYERS. I know you guys have seen this one before. Flannels, button ups over black t-shirts, zip up hoodies. It might get a little hot, but it covers your sweat stains anyways. I promise guys it helps so much with shoulders, hips, boobs, it makes you look more masculine. Don't get that ugly ass red and black checkered one though. Think if you would see a masc lesbian wearing it and use your best judgement. I heart layers.

6. Pants. Woah. Pants. I HATE pants I know you fat trans men get me. Old navy women's jeans...and you guys won't like this one...are actually pretty good. SPECIFICALLY the sky high wide leg ones. Get those a size up and cuff them, wear them low on your waist, perfect. Other than that, jeans are shit. I don't really waste my time with men's pants anymore because of my hips but cargos are great, baggy sweats with the band at the bottom are great, PJ pants good, dress pants are a struggle but I've heard dickies work well for people with a smaller body. Not sure though. My tactic is I go to a thrift store for hours and try on all their pants, then find similar ones online or take pictures of the brand for the ones I like and find more.

7. Accessories and jewelry. Iffy. Anything you could describe as dainty, if it's not a family thing or important to you, probably not. Friendship bracelets are good, pendants are good, earrings depends on where you are and what you are wearing. Studs in men are common where I am, so I wear them. Observe the cis men at your disposal. Accessories, bags don't really matter unless they're like the strawberry hot topic mini bags. Don't get those at all those are fugly. Mini bags are not great in general, just better to get something else. Watches are heavily loved here they look very male and also you have the time always even a cheap watch is fine just not a woman's watch. It has to be a men's watch. You can tell when it is a woman's watch don't get those. Nail polish is fine no one cares, it's more popular now with boys. Especially if you're a little girly pop already. Of course that also depends on your environment.

8. Stance. Sitting with your ankle on your knee is comfortable and way more masculine than crossing your legs. Confidence. Fake it until you make it because cis men are so arrogant guys. This is what I mean btw

9. Don't be afraid of being feminine. Don't give up being yourself in order to be masculine. Your happiness matters the most. Love you bye, I'll update this if I think of anything else.

[dballzposting]

Your recent posts abt trunks’ gt outfit are making me actually want to analyze how he could have conceptualized this fit. Because he’s a trendy young man who is part of the business world & is also the son of the two fiercest fashionistas in the whole city NEITHER of whom would ever wear such a thing…it is truly a feat that he managed to put together the dorkiest possible outfit given all of those factors

AAUGH

HIS OTUFIT USED TO DRIVE ME SO BONKERS THAT I HAD 0 WORDS FOR IT .. LIKE ID THINK OF IT AND IMMEDIATELY HAVE TO COMMIT A PHYSCIAL ACTION (A COMICAL PUNCH TO A WALL OFTEN) OR SMTH BC I COULD NOT HANDLE IT..... Very hard on me becasue I need to articulate what I think and feel but I AM NOT A WORDSMITH and I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FASHION !!!! I remember so many days just being STUCK but KNOWING that there was something PHENOMENAL there IF ONLY I HAD THE JARGON AND TACTICAL APPLICATION ..

I'm a little over it now but I pretend not to be bc I'm finally actually watching GT so yeah. I'm just a little late is all.

This is an AMAZING ASK ... ! HIS FASHION SENSE IS TRULY NOTHING LIKE HIS FASHIONISTA PARENTS .. ! EVEN the way that both their tastes have changed over the years, GT Trunks is still an original .

WHY ? IDK but it feels so right on him. I CANT IMAGINE THE CHILL AND EPIC TEEN AT THR END OF Z WEARING A NECKERCHIEF THO. But then again 5 years ago I could not imagine myself wearing the beautiful shite that I do now . So

AND LIKE .. IT'S NIT JUST THE SHORTS .. IT'S THE EJCJUSVEXN??? DJDJ.... IT'S THE SWEATER HE WEARS UNDERNEATH THE COAT ..?!?!?

Bc it is PROOF it is PROOF it is PROOF that he KNOWS he looks good ....!!!!!!! Hes not dorky and daft . Hes part of the business world like you said. And hes very conscious of his reputation and role. HE TUCKS THAT SWEATER INTO HIS HUGE SHORTS. HIS LONG-SLEEVE BLACK SWEATSHIRT. And it's amazing!!!!!!! What was he thinking???????

The contrast of ALL those tantalizing layers against HIS BARE KNEES. WHAT WAS HE THINKING??????

His huge white shorts. WHAT WAS HE THINKING?????

Is he advant garde or am I just an ignorant bitch ?!

Is he a fashion genius ?! I don't know what he sees. I don't know what he thinks other people see. I domt know what he likes and what is just incidental. I dont know what he knows and what he doesnt know. BUT I KNOW THIS. I dont fucking have what it takes to wear his outfit . But I understand it. It's close to my heart. And I just cant stand it sometimes .

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FASHION but I could talk for a long time about Vegeta's fucked up GT fashion and Fierce Fashion Friday and how Bra inherited his fierce disposition and how her outfits are perfection and all that. And I could talk my damndest about Bulma's changing tastes that all fall under the umbrella of hip and classy and acceptable. And I could talk about Future Trunks and how he is so clearly Bulma's boy. And I could talk about present Trunks in Z and in Super and all of his swaggy fits.

BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK ABT GT TRUNKS. As soon as he put on that neckerchief he became unknowable . Hes a great mystery. Thank you for the ask SUCH AN IMPORTSNT THING TO SAY....!!!

[smalllittlepoems]

a closet on fire/the definition of worse

every word out of your mouth feels like judgement

like i’m not enough

smart enough

strong enough

wise enough

good enough

and it hurts

when underneath grand declarations

of unconditional love

of acceptance

is the fear

the fear that i am somehow different

now that you know

the fear that i���ve been influenced

the fear that i’ll be hurt

the fear that i’ll regret it

you fear me

and you fear for me

to you i am just a child

whose words must be taken with a grain of salt

who tells tall tales

for attention

who doesn’t know enough of the world

to be trusted to make decisions for herself

who must be smiled at

gently

and steered away from the open flame

and i tell myself that it could be worse

but i had no expectations in the first place

i was hoping for a dismissal

a change in subjects

but in a change of fates

i was the one disappointed

not angry just disappointed

when instead of anything else

i got doubt

“we’ll you never had sex with a [xxx] before so how could you know”

“you’re still so young, don’t make up your mind just yet”

an interrogation

“are you sure?”

“so if a [xxx] asked you out you wouldn’t even give [xxx] a chance?”

a plea

“you’re limiting yourself”

“you’re letting society rule you”

what i don’t tell you is that

no i’m not limiting myself

i am establishing boundaries

(something i thought you would understand

when all you do is keep up walls

“i don’t trust them”

“don’t tell them that”

“you’ll only get hurt”)

(i knew you would not understand

you who would wish me to have no boundaries

“secrets hold no place between us”

“tell me everything”

so that i may doubt you

distrust is an insidious thing)

what i don’t tell you is that

society would control me

if i didn’t tell

if i lived in fear of the potential hurt

not knowing that i would be my own worst enemy

the warden and the prisoner

(i knew neither of you would understand

when you think that there is a default

and that anything else

is by influence

a control that is not my own

you would not understand

when one of you lives in a pink world

and the other lives

in a world of shadows and betrayal

of your own conception

when you think that the worst control

comes from someone else

and not yourself

you are a hypocrite)

and i tell you none of this

because you are older

and wiser

and you’ve been burned before

and you don’t want me to get hurt

and you’re just looking out for me

and you don’t mean to offend me

and i know you love me

i do

…

i do

but you make no sense

am i giving myself an advantage

because it’s “cool”

and “hip”

and “trendy”

and “whatever else the kids say these days. lit?”

or am i making myself a target

for ridicule

for scorn

for hate

(you cried for me

and i don’t know if it made me love you

or hate you)

am i limiting myself

making it so that no [xxx] will ask me out

leaving me sad

and alone

when

(not if)

i change my mind

or would i be limiting myself if i said nothing

if i was not limited

(“how many very staunchly religious women, if you asked them and got them to answer truthfully, would say that they’d had feelings for other women before” a lot “that’s right, that’s why you can’t limit yourself”)

(and when i asked if it was better to fear

to fear others so much that i would kill my own self

to conform to them

or to risk that harm

and allow myself to flourish

to be myself

as messy as that can be

you couldn’t answer me)

but i am lucky

because you still love me

even if it now tinged by:

fear

distrust

and disappointment

it could be worse

so i must still love you

even as my eyes prickle

and a cave opens it’s hungry mouth in my chest

i must smile

“no of course you didn’t offend me”

“oh no it’s ok i understand”

“i love you”

(i must comfort you when i am the one

whom you just killed a part of)

and then i hide

i play loud music

i eat chocolate by the bars

i stare at the wall

i watch cartoons

i giggle hysterically

and i don’t cry

because all things considered

it could be worse

…

it could be worse

[straycatboogie]

2023/03/06 English

BGM: De La Soul - Stakes Is High

Today I worked late. This morning I chose U2's "The Joshua Tree" as this morning's music. Suddenly, I thought about the U2's career. They once tried to make their music with Brian Eno and approach techno music. They have changed their style like that, but it doesn't tell me the impression of "wishy-washy". The core of them are really strong. Thinking about that, I also thought about myself. My life is that kind of "strong" and "going straight" thing? I can't think so, because I have always been moved by other things. "Being moved", or just "swinging" life. Indeed, I have worked for over 20 years at the current workplace, but in my private life I did a lot of trial. I tried to become a writer, googled to find if I have a personality disorder, and also checked myself if I am autistic. My life is never straight, but just wandered with a lot of waste.

But, I love this slow motion life. I love this wandering life with a lot of trials and errors during the journey. Indeed, I adore the life which goes straight to the successful state. But the life wouldn't go so straightly. I remember that the Japanese philosopher, Shunsuke Tsurumi, talked about the way of reading "swinging reading". It means not reading the books following the connection straightly, but reading going across various borders randomly. "Swinging reading" seems not effective reading to study, but I also do this kind of random reading. Yesterday, I read brain science books, and today I read philosophical books by that, etc. Reading by the guidance of my interest leads to having brand new idea, and it makes me thrilling. I talked too much, but anyway, my life is a series of that kind of "wandering" and "swinging". It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing?

You may say it is too early, but sometimes I look back at my life. I am impressed by the fact that my life is a series of troubles. As I wrote before, it was really difficult before I learned I am autistic, but also it was quite a hard time after I am so. But, living like this (or getting aging like this), my life becomes simpler. Once my life was really a chaos because I lost myself. I tried to become famous so read the trendy "light novel" and said my opinion to politic or serious social problems. But now, I don't want to do such things. I live my life with reading, learning English, writing my diary, and translating it into English. That dutiful life leads me to live simpler life with lesser problems. I can live simple now. I don't want to go back to the troublesome days with battling on the internet.

Stay simple... I am weak so easily attracted by new things, or strange things. I guess there is no person like me because of its wishy-washy character. I remember that I listened to music a lot from Britpop to techno, and also post-rock. Now I am into soul music and hip hop... I was really embarrassed that withy-washy character of mine once. But now I accept this as "it's my way". "It's my way"... I gave up various things like this. I can't drink alcohol anymore but "it's my way". I have to live this life as an autistic person but "it's my way". How I accept this reality and try to live with the attitude of "be water" as Bruce Lee says. How to live as myself like water, which is so soft so can react the outside situation so flexibly. I am getting to live my life like that. And, from now I will live this life in a clever way.

[lisamontoyacatlin]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: NEW!! Cynthia Rowley Pia Flare Leg Trousers Carmel NWT.

[coeurdastronaute]

Fear 12

Previously on Fear

The apartment was very small. 

It was painfully tiny and nearly impossible to stretch across, but it did the job, it was a place to hide and a place to rest. A few plants took their places, vibrant and green against the mess of the room, with its dirty laundry on the floor and the lack of counter space. A bed was pushed against the window, the frame barely fit, the apartment just wide enough to accommodate it. On the kitchen counter, a few old mugs of stale coffee took up most of the space, while on the tiny desk, a stack of books and papers acted like a tablecloth. 

Elyza pushed open the door and felt the warmth as she walked inside from the rain. There was a taste to the air, there was a heat to the evening that felt like home, in a way she couldn’t fully comprehend, though she didn’t ask any questions. The window was cracked, and the hanging vine of one of the plants wafted in the breeze. 

There was traffic noises coming from outside somewhere, though she couldn’t quite place it, or really anything in particular. But that didn’t stop Elyza from walking inside. 

At the stove, Alicia moved around the pan and hummed, she moved her hips around slowly, though suddenly all the noises were gone. There wasn’t much else to do except stand there and look, and Elyza found herself searching for words, but not having much else to say, and so she watched and felt her heart grow very warm and full. 

The birds were too loud to allow her any longer with her dream. 

Real life came slowly to snatch away a perfect moment, and Elyza scrunched up her face and tried to turn away from the light that slipped in through the window. She ran her hands over her face and grunted in complaint that the first good dream she had in weeks was taken away because of some birds who got too overzealous with a little bit of sunlight. 

Even with her complaining, the body beside her didn’t move too much, unperturbed by the noises outside, still very invested in her own dream world. Elyza sighed and pressed her hand against her stomach before closing her eyes and hoping to fall asleep again. She did her best to conjure the images again, but they just played there in her brain, fragments and completely unattainable yet again. 

But she didn’t move again. Instead, she just stared at the ceiling. That was what she did for hours while attempting to not bother the other sleeping girl. If she stared long enough, she was certain she could fade away or freeze time. There were glimpses of it, she tricked herself into believing. 

For some reason, it never really mattered though. Alicia just kind of always knew when Elyza needed her. With a movement, the sleeping girl almost woke, and she slipped an arm over her middle, wiggling closer until her chin was on Elyza’s shoulders. No eyes opened as she clung to a few more minutes. 

“Sleep more,” Alicia murmured. She didn’t see it, but Elyza closed her eyes and smiled slightly, faintly, just the tiniest bit. 

“Okay.” 

“Bad dreams?” 

“No,” she shook her head and let out a big breath. “Good dreams.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

Alicia rubbed her stomach over her shirt and hummed, content at the news of her girlfriend’s good dreams. She kissed her shoulder and inhaled, squeezing her arms to hold the moment as tightly as Elyza had her dreams. 

“I want you to stay, please.” 

“I am,” Elyza promised, shifting only to kiss Alicia’s messy hair that tickled her nose. But still she kept there and waited-- for what, she wasn’t sure. 

“Tell me about the dream?” 

“It was before. You were dancing barefoot around my old apartment and cooking dinner.” 

“That’s it?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I like socks. Tell your brain that for next time. Better to slide around in.” 

Elyza snorted and kissed her again, this time leaning her chin against her head and hoping that she might fall asleep once more. She knew it wouldn’t happen, but she didn’t care. She just didn’t want to be awake. 

XXXXXXXXXX

The sun snarls directly overhead in the mean kind of noon that comes despite the remaining haze from the half-dead city. Elyza drags her forearm across her forehead, the mix of blood and sweat forming a nasty mess on her arm that she wipes on her pant leg. The grunge of her hard work seems to be less that it was before-- something she’s noticed of the dead and how skeletal most were now. It either meant no one else was dying, or there were no more people to die. 

The remnants of the small group of walkers pile up to her shoulders as she pulls the bandana down from nose before pulling off the thick gloves. The killing them part was always more fun than the clean up, but here she was, still doing it. A janitor of sorts. She chuckled at the imagery. 

From her back pocket, she pulls out a cigarette, carefully putting it to her lips and lighting it with her old lighter. The smoke puffs into a cloud before drifting away as she snaps it shut and puts it back in her pocket. She doesn’t inhale it, and quickly pulls it from her lips after a moment of hanging there. She very much wants to smoke, but can’t convince herself to do it. It’s the habit, just as much as these fires are habit. Ritual, perhaps, would be a better explanation. 

Twenty-eight more notches to go on with the count, she observes, leaning on the shovel. The parking lot is quiet, though some gulls can be heard in the distance on their way back toward the bay.

With a small, proud nod, she tosses the cigarette onto the puddle of gas and takes a step back as the pyre goes up in an instant.

She doesn’t like watching them burn. It feels oddly intimate, as if she is forgetting some key step, as if she should say something. Often she doesn’t. Occasionally, she’ll mutter some prayer from the recesses of her mind, tugged out of the archives from her years in the orphanage’s school. Lately, she likes to forget that they’re people. She has to remember everyone back at the compound. She reminds herself that it is for them and not for herself, even though a tiny bit of rage seeps into this. Her retribution for those taken from her. She seeks her pounds and pounds and pounds of flesh as payment. 

With a clunk, the shovel gets tossed in the back of the old pick up and Elyza grabs her coat hanging on the tailgate. She has plans for the day, and she has a tight schedule to keep if she is going to save the world. A foolhardy task, she knows, but at this point, foolhardy is all the world has left.

The truck complains, gurgling as she shifts gears and heads in the opposite direction of the compound. As much as she does everything for them, she can’t quite stand being near the people that forced themselves into her being. She never wanted to be responsible. She just wanted to save the world. 

But she knew how to survive on the road. She preferred it. 

The apartment they picked was in an already vacated section of city that didn't’ attract many walkers. Elyza parked a few blocks over and walked, carefully lugging the backpack full of supplies and checking for anyone else. But all was clear despite the nagging feeling Elyza could never seem to shake. 

Sometimes she liked to pretend she was coming back from class to see her girlfriend in their shared apartment. Sometimes she liked to imagine they were married and would debate what to get for dinner-- their favorite place or try something new. Those nagging moments of before crept in, stemming from the time they were apart, when Elyza allowed herself a reprieve from searching to hide in made up places. 

But they were here, and it was now, and she carefully knocked before entering their little slice of the world. 

“You left early,” Alicia complained, looking up from her book. 

“Wanted to go look for a few things. 

“How many?” 

“Just a few,” she shrugged and tossed her bag on the table before crawling onto the couch between her girlfriend’s legs, flopping onto her chest, burrowing there soft and clumsy. 

“Mmm,” Alicia hummed, knowing it wasn’t the truth but accepting a few white lies. She learned that Elyza needed them to survive; accepting them as acceptable as long as she could spot them. 

She rubbed along her girlfriend’s back, the shirt still damp from sweat and her trip. She slipped beneath the fabric of the shirt and traced the spine and muscles there, snug beneath her skin. 

“Are you ready to go back yet?” 

“Not yet.” 

“Me either,” Alicia promised. “The trucks almost full though.” 

“We can get more stuff.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I got you something.” 

“What else could I want? I have the third floor walk up with an ocean-view in a trendy neighborhood I always wanted.” 

Elyza moved only slightly, pushing herself up and reaching behind her back. With a face she tugged and brought a fist back between the two of them. She had a smile that Alicia liked, ignoring the hand and whatever was inside. 

“I found it… a long time ago. Before you were…. When we lived on the rig.”

She twisted her palm and let the necklace dangle from the chain hooked on her finger. It swung between the two of them. 

“You got me this all that time ago?” 

“You went up and got yourself kidnapped so I couldn’t give it to you.” 

Alicia rolled her eyes but smiled as she played with the charm on the end. She looked it over and toyed with it. 

“It’s pretty.” 

“Thought you might like it.” 

“Can I put it on?” 

With a nod, Elyza sat up and waited for her girlfriend to do the same. When she did, Alicia pushed her hair to the side and let her clasp it there. She pressed it against her chest, as if telling it to stay put and never move. The weight of it was minute against her neck, but it was there, and it was new. 

“I love it,” she promised, leaning forward to kiss Elyza. “You should go shower.”

For a moment, Elyza didn’t move. She just stared at the necklace on Alicia’s chest. Almost bashfully, she lifted her eyes only and thought about something, though Alicia couldn’t quite decipher the look. And when she couldn’t, she cocked her head to the side and she rubbed her thumb along the jaw there. 

“I’m going to go shower.” 

“Okay.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

They stayed away for six months or so, because it was easier. Elyza went about the task of cleaning as best she could,t aking to it like a job, like one she refused to take any time off from at all. They lived a relatively normal life, considering it was the end of the world. Trucks were left at the drop point close to the cabin and they slept in a bed together every night. 

Elyza worked through things in her head, turning it over again and again. So she enjoyed the killing of the already dead. It made it easier to focus and think about anything else. It was a monumental task, to find herself amidst the deeds she’d done, and so she turned to words and books, inhaling them at every step, staying up late while Alicia slept beside her, the candle burning low into the night. And she’’d read them every day, as if she could find a manual for being alive. 

Beside her, Alicia watched the voracious way at which she studiously attacked life, and though she couldn’t fix it, she watched the burden fluctuate on her back. Though she couldn’t do anything, she fought as hard as she could to help. 

But they couldn’t stay away forever. 

The morning the clouds rolled in, Elyza sat down to breakfast by kissing her girlfriend’s forehead and simply muting those words aloud. 

“We can go back.” 

Alicia looked up from her oatmeal and furrowed, confused by the sudden thought. 

“Are you sure?” 

“I don’t want to stop what I’m doing,” Elyza decided. “But we should go back. God only knows what they’re doing anyway.” 

“We can stay if you’re not sure.” 

“No. You want to go back, and it’s not fair to keep you away.” 

“But you needed time.” 

“I don’t know what I need,” Elyza finally admitted. She was sheepish about it, about admitting and talking. “But I think we need people. They might need us.”

“They might,” Alicia nodded. 

They sat, drinking instant coffee. Alicia looked the surly girl beside her over, wondering what it all meant. There truly was no telling what happened in her head, or how she got from point A to point B, just that suddenly the blue in her eyes was earnest beyond reproach. 

“I’ll go out to gather some supplies,” she muttered, leaning forward to kiss her girlfriend’ once again. 

Alicia leaned back and watched her disappear. The thunder rumbled in the distance and she knew from experience that it was a bad time to be out and to travel. She would have to delay them a day or so until the storm passed. 

Never one for premonition, Alicia couldn’t help but think that something was wrong in the air. She wanted to blame the humidity and the storm and the uneasiness it caused, but it ran deeper than that. 

She decided they would visit the Colony first.

[improvidence318]

i said screw it so here it is

howdy howdy, this is the anon with the 20’s lingo sheet. i don’t have a tumblr (though i wish i do tbh) and realized that i don’t know how to work shit on tumblr, so i’m just sending in the sheet through a text post. i am highly aware of the amount of power i’m bestowing upon you and honestly couldn’t give a damn

A

ab-so-lute-ly: affirmative all wet: incorrect And how!: I strongly agree! ankle: to walk, i.e.. “Let’s ankle!” apple sauce: flattery, nonsense, i.e.. “Aw, applesauce!” Attaboy!: well done!; also, Attagirl!

B

baby: sweetheart. Also denotes something of high value or respect. baby grand: heavily built man baby vamp: an attractive or popular female, student. balled up: confused, messed up. baloney: Nonsense! Bank’s closed.: no kissing or making out ie. “Sorry, mac, bank’s closed.” bearcat: a hot-blooded or fiery girl beat it: scram, get lost. beat one’s gums: idle chatter bee’s knee’s: terrific; a fad expression. Dozens of “animal anatomy” variations existed: elephant’s eyebrows, gnat’s whistle, eel’s hips, etc. beef: a complaint or to complain. beeswax: business, i.e. “None of your beeswax.” Student. bell bottom: a sailor bent: drunk berries: (1) perfect (2) money big cheese: important person big six: a strong man; from auto advertising, for the new and powerful six cylinder engines. bimbo: a tough guy bird: general term for a man or woman, sometimes meaning “odd,” i.e. “What a funny old bird.” blotto (1930 at the latest): drunk, especially to an extreme bootleg: illeagal liquor breezer (1925): a convertable car bug-eyed Betty (1927): an unattractive girl, student. bull: (1) a policeman or law-enforcement official, including FBI. (2) nonesense (3) to chat idly, to exaggerate bump off: to kill bum’s rush, the: ejection by force from an establishment bunny (1925): a term of endearment applied to the lost, confused, etc. Often coupled with “poor little.” bus: any old or worn out car.

C

cake-eater: a lady’s man caper: a criminal act or robbery. cat’s meow: great, also “cat’s pajamas” and “cat’s whiskers” cash: a kiss Cash or check?: Do we kiss now or later? cast a kitten: to have a fit. Used in both humorous and serious situations. i.e. “Stop tickling me or I’ll cast a kitten!” Also, “have kittens.” cheaters: eye glasses check: Kiss me later. chewing gum: double-speak, or ambiguous talk. choice bit of calico: attractive female, student. chopper: a Thompson Sub-Machine Gun, due to the damage its heavy .45 caliber rounds did to the human body.  chunk of lead: an unnattractive female, student. clam: a dollar coffin varnish: bootleg liquor, often poisonous. copacetic: excellent crasher: a person who attends a party uninvited crush: infatuation cuddler: one who likes to make out

D

daddy: a young woman’s boyfriend or lover, especially if he’s rich. daddy-o: a term of address dame: a female. Did not gain widespread use until the 1930’s. dapper: a Flapper’s dad darb: a great person or thing. “That movie was darb.” dead soldier: an empty beer bottle. deb: a debutant. dewdropper: a young man who sleeps all day and doesn’t have a job. dogs: feet doll: an attractive woman. dolled up: dressed up don’t know from nothing: doesn’t have any information don’t take any wooden nickels: don’t do anything stupid. doublecross: to cheat, stab in the back. dough: money drugstore cowboy: A well-dressed man who loiters in public areas trying to pick up women. dry up: shut up, get lost ducky: very good dumb Dora: an absolute idiot, a dumbbell, especially a woman; flapper.

E

earful: enough egg: a person who lives the big life

F

face stretcher: an old woman trying to look young fella: fellow. As common in its day as “man,” “dude,” or “guy” is today. “That John sure is a swell fella.” fire extinguisher: a chaperone fish: (1) a college freshman (2) a first timer in prison flat tire: a bore flivver: a Model T; after 1928, also could mean any broken down car. floorflusher: an insatiable dancer flour lover: a girl with too much face powder fly boy: a glamorous term for an aviator For crying out loud!: same usage as today four-flusher: a person who feigns wealth while mooching off others.

G

gams (1930): legs gatecrasher: see “crasher” get-up (1930): an outfit. get a wiggle on: get a move on, get going get in a lather: get worked up, angry giggle water: booze gimp: cripple; one who walks with a limp.  Gangster Dion O’Bannion was called Gimpy due to his noticeable limp. gin mill: a seller of hard liquor; a cheap speakeasy glad rags: “going out on the town” clothes go chase yourself: get lost, scram. gold-digger (1925): a woman who pursues men for their money. goods, the: (1) the right material, or a person who has it (2) the facts, the truth, i.e. “Make sure the cops don’t get the goods on you.” goof: (1) a stupid or bumbling person, (2) a boyfriend, flapper. goofy: in love grummy: depressed grungy: envious

H

handcuff: engagement ring hard-boiled: tough, as in, a tough guy, ie: “he sure is hard-boiled!” hayburner: (1) a gas guzzling car (2) a horse one loses money on heavy sugar (1929): a lot of money heebie-jeebies (1926): “the shakes,” named after a hit song. heeler: a poor dancer high hat: a snob. hip to the jive: cool, trendy hit on all sixes: to perform 100 per cent; as “hitting on all six cylinders”; perhaps a more common variation in these days of four cylinder engines was “hit on all fours”.  See “big six”. hood (late 20s): hoodlum hooey:  nonsense. Very popular from 1925 to 1930, used somewhat thereafter. hop: a teen party or dance Hot dawg!: Great!; also: “Hot socks!"  Rarely spelled as shown outside of flapper circles until popularized by 1940s comic strips. hot sketch: a card or cut-up

I

"I have to go see a man about a dog.”: “I’ve got to leave now,” often meaning to go buy whiskey. icy mitt: rejection insured: engaged iron (1925): a motorcycle, among motorcycle enthusiasts iron one’s shoelaces: to go to the restroom ish kabibble (1925): a retort meaning “I should care."  Was the name of a musician in the Kay Kayser Orchestra of the 1930s.

J

jack: money Jake: great, ie. "Everything’s Jake.” Jalopy: a dumpy old car Jane: any female java: coffee jeepers creepers: a term of exclamation jitney: a car employed as a private bus. Fare was usually five-cents; also called a “nickel.” joe: coffee Joe Brooks: a perfectly dressed person; student. john: a toilet joint: establishment juice joint: a speakeasy

K

kale: money keen: appealing killjoy: a solemn person knock up: to make pregnant know one’s onions: to know one’s business or what one is talking about

L

lay off: cut the crap left holding the bag: (1) to be cheated out of one’s fair share (2) to be blamed for something let George do it: a work evading phrase level with me: be honest limey: a British soldier or citizen, from World War I line: a false story, as in “to feed one a line.” live wire: a lively person lollapalooza (1930): a humdinger lollygagger: (1) a young man who enjoys making out (2) an idle person

M

manacle: wedding ring mazuma: money milquetoast (1924): a very timid person; from the comic book character Casper mind your potatoes: mind your own business. mooch: to leave moonshine: homemade whiskey mop: a handkerchief munitions: face powder

N

neck: to kiss passionately necker: a girl who wraps her arms around her boyfriend’s neck. nifty: great, excellent noodle juice: tea Not so good!: I personally disapprove. “Now you’re on the trolley!”: Now you’ve got it, now you’re right.

O

off one’s nuts: crazy Oh yeah!: I doubt it! old boy: a male term of address, used in conversation with other males. Denoted acceptance in a social environment.  Also “old man” “old fruit.” “How’s everything old boy?” Oliver Twist: a skilled dancer on a toot: a drinking binge on the lam: fleeing from police on the level: legitimate, honest on the up and up: on the level orchid: an expensive item ossified: drunk owl: a person who’s out late

P

palooka: (1) a below-average or average boxer (2) a social outsider, from the comic strip character Joe Palooka, who came from humble ethnic roots panic: to produce a big reaction from one’s audience percolate: (1) to boil over (2) As of 1925, to run smoothly; “perk” pet: necking, only more; making out petting pantry: movie theater piffle: baloney piker: (1) a cheapskate (2) a coward pill: (1) a teacher (2) an unlikable person pinch: to arrest. Pinched: to be arrested. pinko: liberal pipe down: stop talking prom-trotter: a student who attends all school social functions pos-i-lute-ly: affirmative, also “pos-i-tive-ly” punch the bag: small talk putting on the ritz: after the Ritz Hotel in Paris (and its namesake Caesar Ritz); doing something in high style. Also “ritzy.”

Q

R

rag-a-muffin: a dirty or disheveled individual rain pitchforks: a downpour razz: to make fun of Real McCoy: a genuine item regular: normal, typical, average; “Regular fella.” Reuben: an unsophisticated country bumpkin. Also “rube” Rhatz!: How disappointing! rub: a student dance party rubes: money or dollars rummy: a drunken bum

S

sap: a fool, an idiot. Very common term in the 20s. says you: a reaction of disbelief scratch: money screaming meemies: the shakes screw: get lost, get out, etc. Occasionally, in pre 1930 talkies (such as The Broadway Melody) screw is used to tell a character to leave. One film features the line “Go on, go on – screw!"  screwy: crazy; "You’re screwy!” sheba: one’s girlfriend sheik: one’s boyfriend simolean: a dollar sinker: a doughnut sitting pretty: in a prime position skirt: an attractive female smarty: a cute flapper smudger: a close dancer sockdollager: an action having a great impact so’s your old man: a reply of irritation speakeasy: a bar selling illeagal liquor spill: to talk spoon: to neck, or at least talk of love static: (1) empty talk (2) conflicting opinion stilts: legs struggle: modern dance stuck on: in love, student. sugar daddy: older boyfriend who showers girlfriend with gifts swanky: (1) good (2) elegant swell: (1) good (2) a high class person

T

take someone for a ride: to take someone to a deserted location and murder them. tasty: appealing teenager: not a common term until 1930; before then, the term was “young adults.” tell it to Sweeney: tell it to someone who’ll believe it. tight: attractive Tin Pan Alley: the music industry in New York, located between 48th and 52nd Streets tomato: a “ripe” female torpedo: a hired thug or hitman

U

unreal: special upchuck: to vomit upstage: snobby

V

vamp: (1) a seducer of men, an aggressive flirt (2) to seduce voot: money

W

water-proof: a face that doesn’t require make-up wet blanket: see Killjoy wife: dorm roomate, student. What’s eating you?: What’s wrong? whoopee: wild fun Woof! Woof!: ridicule

X

Y

You slay me!: That’s funny!

Z

zozzled: drunk

  have fun.

[purplesurveys]

1275

When you were younger, did your mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived?  We open all our presents the night of Christmas Eve to begin with; but no, they don’t tease by letting us open a few of them before our usual schedule.

If you could receive a 100 dollar gift card for either blouses, pants, dresses, shoes or purses, which would you chose?  If I could change blouses to shirts, then I would go with that because I’ve recently gotten into t-shirts and sweatshirts and no longer the trendy and preppy tops I used to like haha. But if not, I would go for shoes.

What is your favorite thing to do after crying? Ex: Sleep, listen to music, have some alone time, talk to someone, etc?  It varies as it depends on how much I cried. The harder I cried the more I’d want to sleep it off, because it can actually get pretty exhausting. Sometimes I’ll reach out, sometimes I write. It’s really different every time, but at the end I’m just glad I can no longer even remember the last time I cried out of sadness.

Do you think Trump will be assassinated, or will he survive his term?  Well we know the answer to this. It’s satisfying to notice him disappear off the face of the Earth immediately after his term, though. I don’t have a clue what he’s up to now.

Last time you felt suicidal?  For some reason I felt down last Thursday and I felt the slightest, slightest tinge of suicidal thoughts. No idea where it came from.

Last time you had butterflies?  Ugh idk but it was probably BTS-related hahahahahahah

Biggest asshole you know?  Certain politicians.

Did you ever leave someone because you know you’d hurt them?  No, I was on the opposite side of the coin for this one. I was broken up with because they believed they would hurt me, if not already doing so.

What song did you last listen to?  Hip Hop Phile by BTS.

Ever ridden in a police car?  Nopes.

Ever witnessed a murder?  Hmm, not that I can recall. I do remember having to monitor crime stories for one of my very first journalism assignments and the one time I didn’t tag along to the fieldwork with my classmates, they got to witness a stabbing incident :/ By itself of course it always sucks to have violent situations like those, but as a reporter it would’ve been interesting to see the scene and its aftermath.

Have you ever lied under oath?  I don’t think so, no. I can’t even remember the last time I was put under oath.

Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve failed exams but never an entire class.

Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet?  No.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender?  Well yeah, I dated one.

Have you ever been in a hot tub before?  Sure.

Have you ever been to a movie that sold out?  I’ve never experienced trying to buy tickets only to find out they’re all sold out, but that’s also probably because we have hundreds of malls in Manila alone and you can always find a theatre that are still offering tickets.

What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep?  I’m not usually that way with horror movies, but I do remember running into a jumpscare on TikTok while I was scrolling at 3 AM. Not fun.

When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad?  Touchpad. I never use a mouse.

What’s your mom’s mom’s name?  Agnes.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like?  I’m not interested in anyone so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Have you ever been tempted to steal?  Sure, but the urge is never so strong.

What is the main character’s name in the book you’re reading? I’m not reading anything.

Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? Nah. I did have a Ben&Ben phase, though I haven’t revisited their music in a long time.

Who’s the last person you saw naked, aside from yourself?  I’m not sure about completely naked, probably still my ex. As for partially naked, my dad sometimes goes shirtless at home as most Filipino dads do lol.

Who’s your favorite horror monster/killer?  The most iconic for me would be that porcupine looking ass from Resident Evil 4, I believe it was meant to be for one of the boss stages or something. Anyway, it’s memorable for me just because that fucker had been impossible to defeat and I loved watching my older cousin do attempt after attempt. I don’t think he ever got to beat him and by the time he did us cousins were already adults, lol.

On a side note, we called him ‘Porcupine’ as kids since a shitload of spikes would stick out of him unpredictably during the boss stage, and I thought that nickname had been just our thing; but I’m actually surprised that that villain actually comes up when you do a simple ‘Resident Evil 4 porcupine’ search haha. I guess other people called him the same thing too.

What kind of music do you prefer to listen to when driving?  I usually put on a playlist of BTS’ rapline; I tend to enjoy high-energy songs while driving.

Would you ever own a hairless rat, cat or dog?  I don’t see why I wouldn’t when it comes to the dog. I don’t want a cat or rat. 

All the people you’ve kissed, what did their names start with?  G.

What did you and your ex fight about most?  It was about the deeper, more profound stuff. We never saw eye to eye about the future, if we were helping the other grow, etc. Someone was always scared or insecure about something that the other could never help with fixing.

Don’t you love long hugs?  Sure, I love getting hugs as long as I’m comfy around the one giving it.

And long kisses?  Mhm, they’re nice.

Have you ever purchased condoms?  Only for Angela when she had still been too shy to ask for it herself. 

Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend?  No. We had gone out of town for daytrips, but never for a fully-decked out vacation.

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument?  I wouldn’t do anything that loud. My resentment’s a lot more reserved and subtle, definitely on the passive-aggressive side.

Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it?  If I left like a paint scratch, no. If I was somehow stupid enough to manage wrecking the car then yes.

Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot?  Oh that’s just gross. No. I do remember unknowingly parking over a spot meant for the handicapped once just because the paint was so fucking faded. It was genuinely so hard to tell but in the end I ended up just getting out of the spot and looked for another just to be on the safe, unassholey side.

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job?  Not at all! I love telling people I work in PR and sharing the brands I work with...it’s just a bitch trying to explain what exactly it is I do on a normal day. I’m still blanking out on it now that I’m thinking about it, haha. PR’s a challenge to summarize in one or two sentences.

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving?  I honestly have no clue how I’d deal with it. Ideally I would pull over and help bring it to the side of the road, and try to ask for help from passersby as well. I’m still not sure what I should/would do next.

Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?  French, Spanish, and Italian restaurants always seem to carry a pleasant, date-y atmosphere to them, so any of those cuisines should be ok. I also like quieter restaurants with warm yellow lighting, since that makes me feel at home the most. The place definitely doesn't have to be super popular; I would just want for it to serve good food.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?  Flying planes.

What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?  Probably something that’s booked with thrill-seeking adventures? Like a day of wakeboarding, paragliding, skydiving, riding an ATV...I would be exhausted as fuck and sleep for the next three days, but I can’t even begin to imagine how fun it would be.

When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Writing stuff. < Yeah, essentially. My friends ask me for general life advice too.

Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like?  Yeah. But I always defended her.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else?  I mean I’ve written long letters, but I haven’t made a poem or song for anyone.

Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?  These days it would probably be Arlan. He just finished his Masters in Journalism at Columbia and I couldn’t be more proud. I remember wanting to attend Columbia too, but seeing how my love of journalism turned out...I’ve long accepted the fact that that route was not meant for me, hahaha.

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?  Finish a painting, which can also serve as a callout to me lol.

What would you rate 10/10?  Seafood.

What do you hope never changes?  My relationships with my best friends.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted?  No, I barely have a clue who she is and she seemed decades older when she called me up this morning.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to?  I’m good.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now? 

Are you happy with your relationship status?  Yessssssss. I love not having to worry about another person to spend on LOL

When did you last cry? What for?  Two Saturdays ago. The one-year mark of my breakup had been coming up and an overwhelming wave of emotions just flooded me all of a sudden, I guess. There was happiness and relief from not being stuck in it anymore; feeling sorry for myself as I remembered the turmoil and deterioration I went through in the latter part the year; anger for the shit she pulled; and there was also just the general feeling of being grateful that I’m still here after everything.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you love? 

When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone?  No clue. I’m not holding my breath for it and that’s okay.

Were you ever scared to death of anyone you knew? Or are you currently?  Yeah, unfortunately I’ve always been surrounded by at least one person who terrifies me.

What’s the longest you’ve been away from home by yourself?  Nothing more than a day. That’s something I have yet to try out.

Have you ever been made fun of, because of what you look like?  Athenna was relentless in her insults. I dunno why I was friends her for as long as I was.

Have you ever made fun of others, because of what they look like?  If they’re some random person on the internet with disgusting political views, then yeah; but it’s just thoughts I keep in my head and I never verbalized the bullying. But not anyone in real life. Do you think it’s cute when you’re leaving a place, and a guy says “no hug?”  If I’m friends with the person I’ll banter with them for a bit until I give in for a hug. If it was any other guy I barely know...I would be disgusted and throw them the dirtiest glare.

Do you wear short shorts (if you’re a girl)? I didn't know short shorts were specific to females. < LOL same. Anyway no, not these days. I used to but they’re not really a part of my personal style anymore.

Who are you the most uncomfortable around?  Relatives with the wrong political views.

Who has your heart?  Nobody.

Should cloning ever be allowed to happen?  I don’t see the point. No.

Are you impatient with really shy people? If it gets to the point that they seem aloof and radiate very I-could-not-care-less-about-getting-along-with-any-of-you vibes, then yeah I feel like I would get irritated pretty fast. But I was an extremely shy person once too, so I’m typically friendly with them and I would usually be That person who constantly stays next to them so they feel like they belong.

Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window?  It sits in the window, as with most households here.

What is the most ridiculous band name you’ve heard recently?  I haven’t encountered anything wacky recently.

Would you ever get a fashion mullet?  No.

Do you believe that Jesus lived and is returning?  No.

Do you believe in spiritual gifts?  No.

Do you believe in callings?  Not really, no.

If you were rich, would you get a professional photoshoot done?  Hell no. I get extremely sheepish in front of a camera and a thousand times worse at posing.

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 9: Scheming anew (Part 4)

Warnings: mentions of traumatic events

Author notes: It was a chapter with few parts, but they are longer. I hope none of the detectives are out of character... That’s my biggest fear for the rest of the story. Please, enjoy that last part and see you in the next chapter...!

I opened my eyes onto a white ceiling — the same as last time. Good thing, I was still alive. This plan of mine had been rather risky and the shock with the ground alone had been enough to make me lose consciousness despite my ability. Well, even so, everything had occurred as we had predicted with Dazai. I sat up, rubbing my head. Although falling from the third floor had surely broken many of my bones, I felt no pain coming from my body. The healing ability, once again, had taken care of all of my wounds and bruises. Overall, I felt good.

"I did not expect to see you ever again." A feminine voice spoke, followed by a sound of high heels hitting the floor "But I suppose we both know this is no coincidence?"

"Did Kunikida tell you?" I grinned.

A very stylish woman appeared before me. Her hair, cut short, was held by a beautiful and shiny hairpin in the shape of a butterfly, and the scarlet red of her shoes added to her trendy look.

"Dazai did. Kunikida was too shocked to even understand how the both of you tricked him. It was a bold bet on your life." She frowned, rather darkly.

"My life... I should have lost it long ago, already..." I shrugged "I knew you had a healing ability and that I would be brought there. I had nothing to fear."

"You..." She grabbed my chin, rather roughly, to plant her eyes into mine "Don't you ever look down on your life anymore. The next time you gamble with it, I will make sure you never want to get hurt ever again."

"Do you think there can be a next time...?" I tilted my head, removing her hand gently.

"Well, what did you do that for?" She put a hand on her hips "My name is Yosano Akiko. What about you?"

"You have a pretty name, Yosano-sensei." I smiled "I am Ogawa Yōko. Also, I wanted to thank you for last time, too. You did a lot... I'm not sure how to repay you..."

"If you want to bear your name, learn to be brighter." She advised, sitting on the bed "I'm only doing my job as a doctor."

"Still, thank you, Yosano-sensei." I slightly bowed my head.

"You're welcome, then...! Now, Dazai told me you are an ability user? What kind of ability?" She sounded curious.

"It's nothing much..." I said, embarrassed "I can hear people's thoughts and, further, their hidden desires... But I can't control it. Sometimes, I wished I was not born with it..."

"Foolish." She poked my forehead "It is a wonderful ability which allows you to understand people and empathise with them. If you were not born with it, you would not be the person you are today."

"Wouldn't it be better...?" I looked down.

"I'm not sure what secrets you are hiding, but since you are Dazai's acquaintance, you must have some unclear and foggy past that both of you share. I don't know what you did, but isn't there something you care about, nowadays?" She asked.

"... There is..." I admitted "I would never regret meeting Dazai, but... I wonder if he wouldn't have been better off without me. Well, that's stupid to think that too, since he is the one who asked me to come with him, but I can't help doubting, sometimes..."

"We all doubt. I doubt too. Everyone has his own issues, but we must learn to deal with them. Come to me whenever you need advice, or even when you simply want a talk between women. I'd be glad to listen." She smiled, standing up "If you feel good, how about introducing you to the detectives? This little scheme of yours was actually to be integrated, was it not?"

"Dazai already spilled everything out anyway..." I giggled "I will get changed first, then I'll follow you, Yosano-sensei."

"I put your clothes on the nightstand. Do tell me if you need help." She walked to give me some intimacy.

As soon as I had buttoned my jacket, I told her I was ready to go out of the infirmary. Yosano-sensei escorted me out, and I discovered the offices of the Armed Detective Agency. They seemed to be located at the last floor of a small building, and the morning sun rays crossed the glass windows just so the room would appear light, although there was no actually turned on electrical lamp. There were several plants in the room, surrounding modern desks, where computers could be seen, and what appeared to be very comfortable leather couches. Hidden behind a stained glass folding screen, a small lounge for a purpose of welcoming clients had been created. The place looked quiet, peaceful and incredibly... Normal. There was no luxurious Persian carpet on the floor, no expensive mahogany desk nor any couch made with Italian leather.

"Do you like it?" Yosano-sensei noticed my eyes widening in awe.

"Very much...!" I nodded "The atmosphere is not oppressive, and it's so light..."

"I've been told you come from the underworld? It must be quite different, indeed..."

"Don't say it out loud..." I requested "I feel bad that my background is so obvious, whereas Dazai tried his best to hide it..."

"Well, it's only been hinted that you both come from the same place. Know that we won't ever force you to tell us anything. And also, Kunikida is too dense to even make the link between you and Dazai's own background anyway~" She laughed "Ah, speak of the devil~"

"You're awake." The spectacled man did not look pleased by my appearance.

"Yes, thank you for bringing me here." I bowed politely, although it had been my doing since the beginning.

"Don't play innocent with me...!" He scolded "You did it on purpose...! What do you want from the Armed Detective Agency that requires you to be hurt to be there...?!"

"Kunikida-kun, I've already explained you~" Dazai came to help me "Good morning, Ogawa~ I'm glad to see you safe and sound~"

He winked at me and resumed pestering his colleague. Why, he had trusted me enough to follow my strategy after all... We both had predicted I would make it alive.

"I see you didn't have a good start with Kunikida..." Yosano-sensei hummed "That's going to be hard..."

"Does it mean, if I don't have his approval, I cannot even try to request joining the Agency...?" I frowned, a tad worried.

I did not want to go back to the world underground anymore... Not now that I had successfully stepped toward the light. I would break if I were told to disappear, again...

"Obviously not." Another person stepped toward us "My opinion is much more important than his, after all~"

The man was wearing brown poncho, pants and hat, which reminded the outfit of a detective. His eyes were closed, slightly hidden behind dark bangs of hair teasing the bridge of his nose.

"Is that so...?" I questioned him, hopeful.

"I'm the best detective in the world~ If not for me, how would the Agency make profit~?" He chuckled, much arrogantly.

I realised.

"Are you Ranpo-san...? I've heard about you from Kunikida...! I'm very pleased to meet you, my name is Ogawa Yōko." I smiled at him, bowing.

"Flattery will bring you nowhere...~" His voice trailed off, but I could clearly notice how proud he was that I spoke highly of him.

But then, another memory overlapped onto the one of his name, and I remembered I had seen those clothes somewhere else... This hat, this poncho... Where...? In the streets...? Impossible, I barely walked in broad daylight. He was a detective, was he not...? Then on a case... Perhaps had I passed near a crime scene...? It was more likely improbable too, for being a former member of the Port Mafia I knew better than leaving proof of my deeds. Unless...

"My apologies..." My voice became so small I barely heard myself "I... I have to... I have to go to the bathroom..."

"I'll show you there..." Yosano-sensei raised an eyebrow, guiding me across the room.

Once I was locked in a toilet, I fell onto the ground, feeling my chest throb painfully. The only place where I could have seen him and, coincidentally, the only place where I would never expect to see him, was the Western Restaurant. That one restaurant in front of which a bus, full with the orphans Odasaku had adopted, had exploded on that ominous rainy day. Those memories were far from being pleasant, but they were not what I feared most. No, what I was afraid of was him remembering me. I had ran after Odasaku, that day, and had gone past him on the bridge; if he was such a good detective, he would definitely remember. Yosano-sensei has assured no detective would ever question my origins, but what if... What if he clumsily made a comment...? It would ruin everything, my hopes would scatter like a mere glass thrown to the ground and the ladder I had climbed to have access to the enlightened world would collapse, and me with it. I could not afford such a situation, but what could I do...? The Agency was the only place that would accept me without too much investigation and questioning, after all...

"Ogawa...? Are you in here?" I heard Dazai calling me.

However, my muscles seemed paralysed and I could not move my vocal chords to answer him.

"Ogawa —"

"Can I?" Someone interrupted him.

I had heard him a moment ago; Ranpo-san's voice. What did he want? He did remember, finally...? I heard him leaning onto the toilet door.

"You don't need to answer me." He told me "I only want you to be aware of the fact I will not say a thing about this day. Yosano-sensei must have told you, but I will repeat her words; we will not ask a thing, and we won't care about what you did or what happened. It is not because we know more about you than about Dazai that you will be tossed away. That's all I wanted to say, Ogawa, so could you come out, now? Nothing will happen there."

I was used to being interrogated. I was used to justify everything I did through written and verbal reports. Ever since I had entered the Port Mafia, I could not do anything without reporting it afterwards, and this man, this detective atop of that, assured me I could have my own secrets and keep quiet about the points I did not want to mention. Being allowed to have privacy and freedom; could there be any more precious gift for a human being? Because I was determined to be a proper human being.

I timidly opened the door to come out. Ranpo-san was still there, apparently waiting for me. I bowed.

"Thank you for your kindness, Ranpo-san..." I said sincerely "I... I distrusted you despite what Yosano-sensei explained to me, I would like you to forgive me, please..."

"There is no need for such formalities." He stated "By the way... Did this person...?"

"He died..." I looked down.

"Even though I had warned him..." He sighed "Well..."

"There is nothing you could have done... This person had lost all will to live and only wished to reach the children in the afterworld..." I reassured him, even if these words were mainly directed to me.

"Let's stop bringing up unpleasant memories." He suggested "And let's go back. Your friend is more worried than what he wants to show us."

"He's always like this..." I laughed lightly, following him.

"I know~"

The moment I stepped back into the office, Dazai hurried toward me and stood right before me.

"Are you alright...?" He sounded concerned "Was it your nausea again...?"

"I'm fine..." I shook my head "I'll tell you about it later."

"Good." He nodded "The day just begun; do you want to stay there? Or do you need to rest? If so, I can —"

"Dazai." I interrupted him, placing a hand onto his arm "Calm down..."

I gave him a meaningful look and he inhaled before wearing his playful smile again. I could not let him drop this mask in front of other people; he was not ready to appear defenceless and it would affect him deeply if others were to see this weak side of him. For now, before he made any more progress with human beings, I would protect him the best I could.

"Please, tell me you want to rest~" He grinned "So I can ditch work today~"

"Is my schedule a joke to you...?!" Kunikida protested "We have a mountain of work, and we are short on detectives...!"

"Hoh, I have an idea then~! If it's good for you, what about starting your first day here, Ogawa~?" He suggested.

"Eh...? Today...?" I looked at him "But... Don't I need to be approved...?"

"I will recommend her." Ranpo-san stated "You're still a newbie here, Dazai, and Kunikida doesn't seem enchanted by the idea. But I agree to her joining us. I want her to be a part of the Agency too."

"Thank you, Ranpo-san..." His words touched me.

His behaviour reminded me slightly of Chūya's after Dazai had left the Mafia. He had desperately tried to fight to get me in his team... And Dazai, despite the fact I had been called disposable, had promoted me and had kept me by his side... Except for the two of them, Ranpo-san was the first to stand up for me.

"Wait..." The blond man readjusted his glasses "She's... She's going to join the Agency...?"

"Why do you think she threw herself from the third floor?" Yosano-sensei puffed out her cheeks, hands on her hips "So she could have a pretext to come back here, obviously...!"

"Wait... You... Actually..."

Despite everyone’s explanations, he still did not understand… This man really was too dense. Or naive.

"I can't wait for us to be colleagues." I smiled innocently.

[princess-mei]

Mei 美美 Qin – Character Sheet

it’s like everything you say is a sweet revelation / all i wanna do is get into your head / yeah we could stay alone, you and me and this temptation / sipping on your lips, hanging on by a thread, baby

late night watching television / but how’d we get in this position / it’s way too soon, i know this isn’t love (no) / but i need to tell you something

i really really really really really really like you / and i want you, do you want me, do you want me too?

Archetype — The Explorer Birthday — July 9th, 2002 Zodiac Sign — Year of the Horse, Rising Leo, Sun in Cancer, Moon in Cancer MBTI — ENFP Enneagram — 2, the Helper Temperament — Sanguine Hogwarts House — Gryffindor Moral Alignment — Chaotic Good Primary Vice — Lust Primary Virtue — Charity Element — Water/Fire (she’s a Water Horse, so she definitely identifies with that but in Western tradition she is Fire.)

Overview:

Mother — Tanya Qin Father — Peng Qin Mother’s Occupation — Editor-in-Chief of the San Francisco Chronicle Father’s Occupation — financial diviner Family Finances — wealthy Birth Order — middle Brothers —  none Sisters — Ting-Ting (Gemma Chan, May 13, 1993), Su (January 22, 2003) Other Close Family — close to their mother’s side, father’s side lives in China, but they’ve taken trips to see them once or twice. do not have any cousins/aunts/uncles, but close to their grandparents. Best Friend — Daisy Zanetti, they grew up together. Met in school and were thick as thieves right away. Daisy is a half-fairy, so they both understood the whole “half” background thing. Other Friends — Lots and lots of friends~ Enemies — There was probably like one Mean Girl that Mei was always antagonizing and who was always antagonizing her. Pets — None. Home Life During Childhood — Relatively happy. Has nice, loving parents. Did a lot of Family Activities, since that was important. Mother was busy a lot with work, but her father was around a lot and Ting-Ting was always around (until she went to school.) Town or City Name(s) — San Francisco, CA What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Posters everywhere! Very personalized and customized. Lots of reds and golds. Probably had like one of those net things around her bed. Always very messy, because Mei starts a project and then just jumps to the next. Lots of natural light too probably. Any Sports or Clubs — Dance and Gymnastics. Mei has kept up with both of these throughout the year. Does both ballet and hip hop. Her favorite gymnastics is rhythmics. Favorite Toy or Game — She wouldn’t consider it a toy or game, of course, but loves doing tarot and tea readings. Also enjoys a good board game, is very competitive though. Schooling — Public school. Favorite Subject — Physical Education ?? Maybe literature. Art classes… Popular or Loner — Decently popular. She wasn’t one of the people that everyone knew but she had a wide circle of friends. Important Experiences or Events — Discovering she had divination skills. Deciding her specialization. Moving to Swynlake! Nationality — American Culture — Chinese-American Religion and beliefs — Spiritual, borrowing from a spread of Taoism, Buddhism, Chinese folklore, and Confucianism.

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim — Cheng Xiao Complexion — Fair-skinned Hair Colour — Naturally a dark brown, but she dyes it a lot! Eye Colour — Dark brown. Height — 5’6 Build — Athletic, but slim. Tattoos — None. Piercings — Ears. Common Hairstyle — Likes to braid it or put it in two buns. Does a lot of half-up/half-down hairstyles. Clothing Style — Chic and trendy, lots of colors and patterns. Mannerisms — Very bouncy, doesn’t sit still much. Twirls her hair around her finger a lot. Usual Expression —

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — Pretty healthy! I’m sure this is due to Ting-Ting constantly balancing her Yin-Yang Physical Ailments — None. Neurological Conditions — None. Allergies — None! Grooming Habits — Rather good. Takes a lot of care with her appearance. Always makes sure to moisturize and exfoliate and change out of sweaty clothes. Sleeping Habits — Average. Eating Habits — Eats a lot because Su is constantly making things, but can forget meals if she is distracted or concentrating. Exercise Habits —  Exercises a lot! Does all sorts of things like pilates and swimming and jogging. Emotional Stability — I give her a 7/10, she loses points for being a stubborn, unreasonable teenager and for her temper, but otherwise is pretty even-keeled. Body Temperature — Average. Sociability — Very social! Loves surrounding herself with people. Addictions — Love? Drug Use — None, we will see. Alcohol Use — Has gone to parties where she’s drank before, but not often.

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — Interrupting people, bouncing from topic to topic, meddling in things that she shouldn’t, talking back, being a general nuisance. Good Habits — Very kind, very caring. Wants to take care of all her people. Strong moral compass. Best Characteristic — Her certainty. Worst Characteristic — Her stubbornness. Worst Memory — Being told she would have to move to Swynlake. Best Memory — When her father told her that he was proud of her for completing her studies for being a sorcerer and accepting an apprenticeship. Proud of — Her magic, her family history, her looks, her sporting ability. Embarrassed by — Not much, probably the fact she isn’t very good at school. Driving Style — Probably was just learning how to drive. A speed demon, but surprisingly a good driver. Strong Points — Her moral center and her big heart. Temperament — Can be explosive, but general soft and sweet. Attitude — Generally positive. Weakness — Not knowing what she wants. Fears — Not knowing what she’s going to do with her life. Phobias — Anything unlucky, though I wouldn’t call it a phobia, more of a cautious regard. Secrets — None really? She doesn’t keep much from people. She’s very “This Is Who I am. Fight Me.” Regrets — Having to leave Swynlake. Feels Vulnerable When — People are angry or upset with her, she’s not following her heart. Pet Peeves — Being told she’s wrong, lol. Conflicts — Duty to Family v Duty to Heart Motivation — Following her heart. Short Term Goals and Hopes — Make friends and something out of her life in Swynlake. Long Term Goals and Hopes — Figure out what she wants to do with her life. Sexuality — As-is she is straight, but this can change. Day or Night Person — Day Introvert or Extrovert — Extrovert. Optimist or Pessimist — Optimist except she can be really sour when things don’t go her way.

Likes and Styles:

Music — Oh, gosh–where to start? Mei loves love songs, of course. Big fan of Elton John, Elvis Presley, Celine Dion, etc etc. She also loves modern stuff, of course. Taylor Swift, Carly Rae Jepsen, Ed Sheeran…if she’s really feeling it some Florence and the Machine. Loves KPop too. I’ll let Lauryl tell me who she stans. (Is that the phrase I feel like there is a phrase.) Anyway, anything that is love related, she’ll give it a listen. Books — Doesn’t actually like reading that much, tbh. Doesn’t hold her interest. Magazines — Do people read magazines anymore? Does Buzzfeed count as a magazine? Probably giggles over Cosmopolitan. Foods — Sweets! Chocolate is her favorite, but she likes licorice a lot too. Is one of those weird people that likes black licorice. Also, loves a good rice pudding. That’s probably her favorite dessert. She also loves chicken, any kind of chicken–she doesn’t care what you put it in or what you put on it. Isn’t much of a picky eater. Actually really enjoys being adventurous with her food. Drinks — Green tea, green tea, green tea! Mei loves tea, especially iced. She also surprisingly likes salt soda water–she goes back and forth on sweet and savory. Sometimes, she just really wants salt soda water because it is just crisp and refreshing and wakes her back-up and reorients her yin-yang when she needs it. Animals — Elephants! Mei loves elephants. She’s that girl that has like elephant shirts and an elephant backpack and an elephant stuffed animal probably. They have such a high emotional capacity and Mei really respects them for this. They are also just so cute with their floppy ears and their soft, sweet eyes! Loves birds too as most of them are symbols of good luck and good tidings–besides owls, which are harbingers of death. Sports — Gymnastics and dance. Social Issues — Magick Rights is the biggest one. Also feminism. Also all the “main” issues. Favorite Saying — “Better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness” - Chinese Proverb Color — Golds, yellows, reds, blues are her favourites. She loves gold because it is a Classy color. Most of her jewelry is gold. She loves yellow because it is bright and happy! Red is lucky in Chinese culture and it always reminds her of times like New Year’s! Also, it is the color of passion and love. Blues she likes because they are calming and gentle.  These are her lucky colors. She also loves pink, even though it is technically a color that she should avoid. Really hates white, because she doesn’t like what a blank slate it is. Also, hates brown because it is an icky boring color. As you can see, she has a lot of Opinions on colors. Clothing —Chic and trendy, lots of colors and patterns. Jewelry — Loves it! Wears mostly gold. Probably has a few staple pieces but then exchanges things depending on her mood. Websites — Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter etc etc TV Shows — CW shows and K/Cdramas Movies — All the great love classics: Gone with the Wind, the Titanic, When Harry Met Sally, Roman Holiday, all of Audrey Hepburn probably, the Notebook, Singing in the Rain…I could go on and on. She loves movies that tug at the heart strings and are full of that wild, amazing, passionate kind of love. They always make her swoon and if she is choosing a movie for movie night, you know it’s gonna be a romantic tearjerker. Though, she also likes romcoms. Doesn’t like action movies or horror movies or anything too intense, they freak her out Greatest Want — To figure out what to do with her life. Greatest Need — To grow up and learn things aren’t all about her, lmao.

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — A three bedroom apartment with Ting-Ting and Su. Household furnishings — Rather plain at the moment, but will probably grow cozy as they settle in. Favorite Possession — Her pseudogrimoire where she writes down all the signs and stuff that she sees and puzzles out the meaning to. Most Cherished Possession — Her wand, which is a fan that was her mother’s, her mother gave it to her and her father and Ting-Ting help her imbibe it with magic. Neighborhood — Tortuga Place Married Before — No Significant Other Before — Non-serious boyfriends and Serious crushes Children — She iS a child Relationship with Family — Very close with her dad, even though he’s always yelling at her and being disappointed in her. They have a lot in common and she loves him. Her and her mother also get along more or less, she’s less stringent than her dad. Ting-Ting and her probably have the most contentious relationship, but even that hasn’t been that bad really. Mostly Mei being a nosy, annoying little sister. It will get more intense now that Ting-Ting is the authority figure and Mei is pissed about their situation. Su and Mei get along more or less well, they annoy each other, as sisters are wont to do, but Mei would def consider Su one of her best friends. Car — None. Career — Student Dream Career — She doesn’t know !! Dream Life — Married, with children, though she doesn’t know what she wants out of a career. Love Life — Nonexistant, which pisses her off. Talents or Skills — Excellent gymnast and very good with her magic. Intelligence Level — Decently intelligent, has street smarts, tbh. Very sharp in conversation. Finances — Wealthy

[archerpappas84]

Acoustic Fences And Other Sound Cut Resolutions

Acoustic Walls is really a necessary part of various types of body development. They can make easier slow up the whole smog away from building. Acoustic Fences can be acquired for all types of edifices, whether it be uptown villa, infomercial size or even industrial manufacture. They're likewise practiced such as buffers, representing various uses. You'll find various forms of these Fences which contain: Wooden Kennel area Stiff acoustic fences stay probably the most conventional construct of acoustic screen. Forest for the wood made containment system comes from different copse. You will find multiess like birch, maple, elm as well as pink. Wood containment system has been in practice from the time when a long time. Many narrow regulations regulate the application of hardwood kennel area, thus you need to trial with all your nearby agencies in connection with specifications afterward must. Acoustic Kennel area is made of reels involving timber as well as metals of which end up being tallied stuck between two fiddled despatches or at some point created from material or concrete. Acoustic Fencing Acoustic walls appear in a number of style with models to assures its effectiveness to help absorb declares as a consequence melt away blasts. Sound-absorbing Kennel area use a layer involving memory foam with the purpose of services to scale back any clamor so as to ends up being sent from the filter. Normally, sound-absorbing Fences piece greatest trendy quarters everywhere there are simply no noises that could affect serious hindrance. Acoustic Fencing contains wooden announces as well as beams as a consequence boards connected with kindling before precious metal. These Slats in addition to beams end up being mounted next to both flanks from the containment system plus the hardwood or maybe material frame which generates the hurdle also relieves to create that soundproof. Wood Enclose Kennel area Timber Casing acoustic kennel area consist involving a couple of protracted beams turned on aptly incline to one another then became a member of organized at the top. The acoustic panels as well as panes filed in the pinnacle of these beams subsequently alleviate slash severe sign from the barrier. These blare filters exert yourself superlative hip compacted uptown regions on account of their particular effectiveness with bringing down racket. Kindling Casing Kennel area is very solid along with has a above what is usual attribute joinery regarding best occurrence. Material Bifold Walls are real inwards slashing peripheral blare carbon dioxide. They product sooner than collapsing in opposition to one another and once exposed; they check watertight transmission with the barrier. Material Bifold Kennel area utilized to separate deafening neighbours in the home, or in the direction of check start barking puppy. These noise filters are open in numerous types like while high-tech quiet material, and as well featuring in usual galvanized metal. Both these prints are powerful concerning downgrading noises smog. Stone Mass Containment system Packet Hedges is with the best appears captivation solution in lieu of puts up with compound dwellers. A packet walls wall ends up being efficient during cutting down blast smog around the property the way it absorbs audio says coming from scarce with despatches them openly in return within the apartment. Nothing like some other varieties of fencings, Stone Barricades doesn't compel any made difficult joinery like extra acoustic wedge product sees to. On the other hand, it's advisable to help contain sound-absorbing dams in the order of your current group as a consequence storage area, in particular when you have them for you to distribute overweight out of doors locations these kinds of as your own plot. For those who have difficulties with sound privacy, you'll be able to decide on an isolated brick wall up wall with double windows connected with a glass. Sequence Bring together Walls am real perfect for those who want to play down lawn clamor air pollution. Although chain url walls end up being rather easy on the pocket, it is necessary that will you believe it is cause continuously tests privacy sooner than accept a single. You can find helpful Acoustic Kennel area solutions vacant from the advertise to are to a certain extent considerably more upper than archipelago link containment system. Solitary case is usually an isolated containment system manufactured from solid fabric with acoustic diffusers at the pinnacle and also substructure of each one panel. An additional opportunity is really a timber fence with fold up panels limiting diffusers on the two cover afterward foundation. Outside soundproofing occurs a further opportunity you possibly can think. You'll find various types of soundproof walls which come with severe diffusers at the summit as well as base. You'll be able to in addition vote for through various sorts of vinyl containment system, take in network as well as plastic material acoustical panels. https://spazdrowie.pl/ekrany-akustyczne-wady-i-zalety-cichosci/ In the event you live in a area in which there are many connected with plot blast desperations like inglenooks or maybe hobbies like wedding ring enjoying, then an al fresco swishes barrier can be your better abundance. These soundproof fencings are actually moderately effectual inwards cut faint noises.

[marianable-90sfeels]

Return of the ‘90s Fashion Trends

Although, I am obsessed with fashion and altering my everyday outfits, I have never been able to pull of those trendy looks that I am inspired by from the ‘90s.  ‘90s fashion trends have always been unique and expressive to demonstrate a sense of belonging and coolness. Fashion nowadays consists of buying ripped shirts from expensive clothing lines and wearing oversized sweaters in 80° weather. I don’t believe in the whole “clothes make a statement” kind of mindset, but I do agree that clothes demonstrate how someone carries themselves. I find it ridiculous at times that people are willing to spend a lot of money on clothes that look homely just to feel comfortable and laid back. Fashion was also cheaper in which many low-class income families could afford. Although fashion has changed drastically since the ‘90s, some of the trends are starting to make a comeback among millennials. In fact, my favorite thing to wear on a scorching hot day while I am outside doing yardwork is rocking some overalls.

Some fashion trends that have repeated themselves since the ‘90s include:

- High-Waisted Jeans (mom jeans)

- Bomber jackets

- Crop Tops

- Door Knocker Earrings

These are just a few of many fashion trends that are fresh and appealing which inspire my everyday outfits. High-waisted stonewashed jeans, crop tops, and door knocker earrings were commonly seen on young girls circa 1992. The ‘90s was a decade of exaggerated makeup and loud colors and were made popular by hip-hop artists and celebrities well know in both the east and west coast.

High-waisted jeans were made popular by a ‘90s hit show called “Saved by the Bell”, that aired for most of the decade. The jeans are often showcased by actor, Mario Lopez which fired up the popularity. Since the ‘90s, high-waisted jeans have made a comeback within the last three years among young teen girls however, were giving the name of “mom jeans” and somehow thought to be cute for casual wear. 

The bomber jackets were spotted in numerous MTV videos, but one in particular boosted their popularity when worn by female rap trio titled, “Salt-N-Pepa” in their “Push it” music video. Again, this fashion trend was also highlighted in the hit TV show, Saved By the Bell among both the male and female characters. Like all fashion trends, this one hit the streets just as fast. In today’s fashion, we see a repeat of this style worn by famous celebrities such as Kanye West, The Weeknd, and many more artists which have inspired millennial customers in the clothing market. The jackets can be easily found in stores near us such as Forever 21, H&M, and Hollister. 

Crop tops were popular on shows like “Saved by the Bell” and “Friends.” They became even more well known after celebrities such as “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” actor, Will Smith and female artist, Aaliyah would wear them in their music videos and TV show. Today, it’s relatively easy to spot a young teen girl in a crop top wherever you go. Although crop tops were mostly worn by petite sized girls, they are now made for women of any shape or size. Crop tops have become a universal fashion trend in which girls can feel confident about their body. 

Accompanying the bomber jacket, were the door knocker earrings. These pieces of jewelry were the ultimate telling of social status. They were made popular by once again female rap trio, Salt-N-Pepa. Female artists today such as Beyoncé tend to wear them while performing to demonstrate glamour and status. In the ‘90s, the gold earrings that resemble a knocking handle on a front door were popularly made of 14 karat gold. Today, it is socially acceptable to wear faux gold. Earrings are my favorite accessory to wear with any outfit, so best believe I love to rock these earrings with a confident outfit. With our world now showing diversity, the ‘90s fashion trends that have resurfaced on millennials actually reaches more consumers than ever before. Can’t wait to see mix match sneakers make a comeback!

[one-hell-of-a-manic-girl]

I was officially diagnosed with rheumatism (autoimmune, not degenerative). I'm fucking devastated.

I mean, I know that I kinda had something like that since I was 12 or so, but it's never affected me much. Sometimes my knee or my shoulder would hurt and I thought okay, no big deal, no need to go to the doctor's - admittedly that I don't like going to the doctor anyway, unless I'm kinda like dying or something - but during the past two months, my body decided to become my own, personal living hell.

The inflammation started to spread slowly from my shoulders to my ellbows down to my wrists and at some point even my left thumb fucking ached. Other than my knees, it "only" spread to my right hip, which is terrible enough when you are a side sleeper - and I really like sleeping on my right side. =.=

I reached the point at which not even ibuprofen or voltaren helped in any way - both of which you shouldn't be taking longer than three days anyway bc it seriously fucks up your stomach and bowel and weakens your immune system further which is under attack already - but the pain got so bad that I couldn't sleep anymore or do anything like watering my plants bc my arms hurt so much. For two days, even my thyroid hurt due to the inflammation. The only thing that helped at least a bit was cooling my burning joints with cold packs wrapped in a thin piece of cloth.

Obviously, I should've visited the doctor much earlier, i. e. the moment my knee was in pain. However, I really didn't want to have cortisone injected and still don't want it tbh... Plus, I was like 12 or 13, like hell I cared back then.

In case you start suffering from joint inflammation: Go to the doctor's AT ONCE!! Don't wait until the inflammation spreads to both sides of your body to avoid as much damage as possible. Even though you'll be treated with medication that eases your pain and symptoms (rheumatism cannot be cured though), the damage that was already done to your joints cannot be reversed.

I know, I hesitated bc of cortisone treatment, but you can, should and have to talk to your doctor. They need to refer you to a rheumatologist and you can explain to them that you only accept cortisone in worst cases. They should diagnose your type of rheumatism and treat you with the respective and suitable medication and not with random shit that might fuck up your body with unnecessary side effects.

As I said, in my case, I'm like reeeaaally late, because the inflammation spread to quite a lot of joints. I can still treat it, but it's going to take a while to reduce the affects.

What can I do though? Well, as I said, I don't like relying on painkillers at all since they are very, very damaging to your body - in case you didn't know, voltaren pills are even worse than ibuprofen. So, what to do?

I changed my diet to paleo again. In the past two years, I ate pizza and bread again and loads of other crap, even though I knew how extremely good I was feeling with paleo before. However, I was suffering from a very depressive episode and the mere thought of having to pay attention to what I'm eating was already quite exhausting. The side effect was that I gained a whopping 40kg, which really didn't help in battling my depression. Lol! Even without exercising at the moment - I'm still not very motivated tbh, but I recently started slowly with a few pushups just for fun and to get accustomed to it again - I lost 8kg already. Ah, I love paleo so much and I'm so happy that I managed to adapt my diet again. Btw, you can change your paleo diet as per your needs, i. e. there are special diet plans for different autoimmune diseases, for losing weight more effectively and so on. Despite being diagnosed with rheumatism I don't think that I'm ready for radical paleo autoimmune disease plans bc I barely managed to control my cravings for chocolate to a point at which I can stop eating bananas. Lol!! I should really tell you more about paleo and why I'm so convinced of its principles, but that's it for now.

Speaking of exercise: I used to do bodyweight/HIIT in combination with Pilatus. I wouldn't recommend HIIT until you managed to "control" your appetite since you're burning a vast amount of calories in only 20 or 30 minutes. I did it while I was off paleo and was eating more than ever before, so that really backfired. Lmao I've heard that there are special stretching and other exercises for rheumatism, got to check that, too.

I've heard of some of my sister's colleagues who are suffering from rheumatism as well (all of us no older than 30 btw...). They mix a special drink called golden milk. Now you can see how I'm really not into trends or spending much time on the internet bc I just looked it up to check how it's called in English only to learn that it's some sort of trendy super food and not a special drink for rheumatism. Lmao! Well, the point is that it really seems to help them with their inflammation pain, so I'll try that, too. My bf is also into mixing aromatic oils and we learnt that rosemary, mint and especially an herb called arnica can help ease the inflammation. As you can see, I ALWAYS prefer diet, exercise and "household remedies" over any painkillers of any kind - as long as possible, I don't think that I'll be able to avoid it entirely.

So yeah, my own body is attacking me. It's kinda sad, really. Most of the time, I really love my body, despite having gained so much weight (which is my mistake though and not that of my body, lol). But having been diagnosed with rheumatism (and I'm suffering from other shit like neurodermatitis as well) really caused some hatred towards my body for attacking me for such a long time. Rheumatism can have other side effects, you know, like migraine, fatigue and stuff and I realized that it was due to this autoimmune disease that I was "weak", sensitive and prone to other diseases. I've suffered so much from all of this, from the migraine episodes, from countless times I had sinusitis or having a cold many times per year more often than average and especially from the damn fatigue that it really made me mad that only one autoimmune disease is probably responsible for all of this.

However, my bf recently told me that I shouldn't hate my body, but have some compassion bc my body doesn't WANT to attack me, it's just not capable of recognizing me anymore and very confused and tries to do its job even though it's the wrong direction. That was so moving that I really changed my mind and now am more at peace with my body.

Well, long story short, I hope I'll learn to cope with this disease and that this blog post will help others, too. I might keep you posted on this, but I'll definitely post something about paleo once in a while. :P

[mahvaladara]

Shah Talks Psy - Eating disorders

My last post brought out the pro-ana side of tumblr.

Me:

Huh, what part of my post made anyone think I was pro-ana?

Like NO!

Okay, my peeps. I am a therapist. My job is to deal with eating disorders.

So long rant ahead.

Warning: This may offend you.

I am a therapist, and as part of my job I must deal with people with eating disorders. I, on a personal level, also suffer from eating disorders, namely a food addiction and emotional binge eating. 

As someone with experience on this spectrum of the food/weight related psychological issues, can say, anyone who is pro-eating disorders is a danger to any vulnerable person struggling with them. Why? Because getting off an eating disorder requires a lot of work, a lot of self-control, and a lot of motivational work. Most people who suffer these issues have other underlying issues that make it even harder. In my personal case, both my depression, my anxiety and my autism make me want to eat, and when I start eating it requires a lot of motivation to stop. So, there is a lot of motivational and control work to be done with someone who suffers from an Eating Disorder.

For a matter of fact, Eating Disorders cause a lot of distress. Again, on my personal case, when I am craving, and I crave hard, I start having full blown anxiety attacks because I want to eat, while the rational side of my brain is going: 

“Bitch! You just ate like five minutes ago a full meal. Wait three more hours!”

And I can tell you, those three hours are complete torture. Not because I am hungry, because I am not. I have the privilege of saying I haven’t felt hungry often in my whole my life. It is just my brain acting to food the same way a junky acts towards heroin.

The same happens in the opposite lane. Priving yourself of food also becomes adicting, especially when associated with the “reward” of loosing weight quickly. And these sensation, both of being satisfied momentarily by overeating, or by fasting and loosing weight, become addictive to our brains. It is breaking these addictions that we are working in the treatment Eating Disorders.

And, like with every “addiction”, it is something that can hit you like a train at any moment. 

But now, I have two movements that disturb me. On the side of thinness and weight loss we have the pro-eating disorders (pro-ana and pro-bulimia) and the side of obesity and weight gain we have the “fat acceptance” group (let’s call it what it is: pro-obesity).

I am very worried and disturbed by both the pro-ana and the pro-obesity groups. As someone still struggling with their own eating disorder, I know how it is to feel vulnerable and like you’re getting nowhere or getting back where you started and how easy it is to follow these people preaching either “love your bones” or love “your curves”. Both messages aren’t that different, they are worshipping the same ideology of maintaining an easy but dangerous habit.

Most people think eating disorders are just bulimia and anorexia and maybe diabolia (excessive/unhealthy dieting). But for a matter of fact, eating disorders also incorporate compulsive eating, binge eating and emotional eating. People rarely ever think of eating disorders as those habits that can and do lead to obesity.

There is nothing romantic, or hip, or cool, or trendy about eating disorders. I have seen both spectrums of the scale. Both being too thin or being too fat (or ifinafat, since that’s a term now ). Holding morbidly obese women such as Tess Hollyday for example, as these “fit, fat and healthy” icons of health for the pro-obesity group is actually as damaging and dangerous as it was a couple of years ago holding boney anorexic women as icons “of slim beauty”. Both cases are very dangerous and unhealthy. Are these women beautiful? I find Tess Hollyday a very beautiful woman, and most models down the runaway are very beautiful. But are they healthy? No, I am actually concerned of them. These women look like they are going to die. 

My knees, today, complain heavily, because of the weight they had to carry their whole life, the same way I believe if I had been the opposite, extremely thin, they’d still complain for the fact my muscles had nothing to work on.

So:

Eating disorders are terrible.

Eating disorders is crying because you ate a cookie.

Eating disorders is having crippling anxiety attacks because you need to binge.

Eating disorders is not trusting people when they speak about your weight. You can’t tell if the people around you are concerned about your weight, or trying to bully you (for being too fat), or trying to sabotage you (for being thin).

Eating disorders is walking down a street and feeling like you’ll die.

Eating disorders is nothing fitting you because it’s either too small or too big.

Eating disorders is not being able to enjoy food.

Eating disorders is feeling like a pig because you lost your self-control and ate everything.

Eating disorders is every doctor telling you to gain/loose weight or you’ll die and you know they’re right, but you don’t know what to do.

Eating disorders is being afraid to fall back into your disorder every day.

Eating disorders is being afraid of falling on the exact opposite extreme of it (become obese/anorexic).

Extremes are not healthy. There is not such thing as health at all sizes. There is “worth at all sizes”. You are worthy, regardless of your weight. 

But that doesn’t mean you’re healthy, and usually, extremes, are not healthy. Being chronically obese or anorexic thin are two extremes that are life-threatening. And perpetuating this “positive” message that you’re healthy at all sizes is actually endangering people’s lives.

If you are too thin your doctor asks you to gain weight, you need to gain weight. Calory intake is a must.

If you’re too fat your doctor asks you to lose weight, you need to start a calory deficit.

Diets don’t work because most internet diets aren’t a long term solution. They’re the type of diets you do three months before your wedding so you can fit that 3k dollars dress.

Also, this behaviour of “fat acceptance” and “pro-ana” actually is damaging for those who are getting off their eating disorders, getting their treatment, getting to that healthy weight, healthy food and healthy exercise and these movements actually damage us. Imagine it as a pro-depression or a pro-suicide group to survivors of suicide or survivors of depression. Like, a person is having all this hard work getting their problem treated, almost at that healthy level, and then these dummasses show up saying “oh being depressed is the new trend” and “love your depression”. This is how pro-ana and pro-obesity sounds (Dear Lord I know there is a pro-depression group, but I’m not opening that can of worms just yet).

The only solution is a long term change in food choices, what you choose to eat and at what quantity. Fats and sugars for weight gain, proteins and fibers for weight loss and when you finally reach that healthy weight, you need to find a middle ground, a balance. Proteins must be half of your dish, one quarter vegetables, the other fibers. Your food must have fat also, healthy fats like olive oil or natural butter. Proteins is what your muscles need to work.

Exercise also helps in muscle gain and both weight loss and weight gain. When I started exercising I first lost weight and then gained weight. But my fat percentage went down while my muscle percentage went up.

Finally, yes, genetics and morphology also play a large role on HOW you loose/gain weight and how easily. But if you eat very small portions of food every single day, it’s not because you ate a pizza one day that you’re going to gain the weight you need. On the same level, if you eat a lot every day, like several full meals the whole day, it’s not because you ate one salad that you’re magically going to lose the weight.

Weight loss and weight gain require consistency. Consistency in quantity and consistency in quality.

And percentage of diseases that actually influence your weight are actually small. When I was obese, I went to like 50 different doctors to find the disiese that caused my weight gain. Guess which one was it. Non.

So again, as a therapist. Stop romanticizing anorexia and obesity. These two extremes kill people and no amount of “love your self at every weight” is going to save them.

You are worth the effort to get healthy. You are worth the effort.

I am not pro-eating disorders, I am not pro-ana, pro-bulimia, pro-diabolia, pro-binge eating, pro-food/diet/exercise addiction, pro-obesity. I AM NOT any of those. 

But-

I am pro-treatment, I am pro-therapy, I am pro-health, I am pro-exercise, I am pro-selflove and I am pro-fit. 

I believe all of you are worth the effort, so stop blaming society, stop blaming yourself, and give yourself the worth, the time and the effort.

Shah,

I’m done here.

[clareisa]

Paradise - Lee Jaehwan

Hai, darling @thedollymaker! Thank you so much for your request! You are so nice omg♥, you made my day better! And it will be a pleasure to write this. Vixx deserves all the love in this world. Hope you’ll enjoy this!♥♥♥

- gifs are not mine, credits to rightful owners

- English is not my first language, so please let me kindly know if I did a mistake

You sighed in pure happiness as you walked out of the hot bath and walked to the mirror, smiling. Your wet hair was pushed back, as drops of water were falling down your shoulders. This evening you couldn't help yourself and just admire your naked form in the mirror. And why? Why you were so happy and so confident about your appearance and your personality? It was thanks to one man. Lee Jaehwan was the name of the man who taught you how to admire every little detail about yourself. This man’s love made you live again, live without worries and insecurities. His smile could cure your depression, his singing could make you smile and his touches could send you to the paradise. 

You slowly wrapped around yourself a long champagne colour satin robe and smelled it. It smells like your favourite perfume and you smiled even more. You looked at yourself one last time and walked out of the bathroom to your hotel room. As soon as you stepped outside you could smell something delicious in the air so you followed the sweet fragrance until you stopped in front of the balcony. 

The sun was coming down creating an incredibly beautiful palette of colours on the sky and water. The sun looked like it’s disappearing slowly behind the orange coloured ocean and the fresh breeze was playing with the bottom of your robe. Yes, the view of nature was beautiful but there was another view that completely stole your heart. 

He turned to you with the most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen. His eyes were so full of light and love that you almost melted at the spot. Just in a simple white button-up shirt and white comfy summer pants, holding two glasses of champagne  Jaehwan looked absolutely divine. The last rays of the sun were caressing his lightly tan skin and the breeze was messing with his dark brown hair. You swear he was an angel. 

“Welcome my queen. Hope you will accept this little proof of affection by your poor servant.” he said and bowed a little. 

You giggled, “Stop it, Jaehwan.” you said with a smile and lift his chin with your hand. 

“I just wanted to be a gentleman.” he winked. You giggled at his cuteness and he handed you the glass of the sparkling champagne. 

He stayed silent and was looking at you with a little smile. “What? Is there something on my face.” you chuckled as you waved in front of his face to take him out if the trance. 

“If you mean beauty then yes. A looooot is on your face then, angel.” he said and took a sip from his glass. “You know that you are way too cheeky sometimes?” you asked with a lifted eyebrow and a playful smirk on your lips.

“Oh, am I, my lady?” he asked with the same facial expression as yours and started circling around you looking at you up and down. He looked really concentrated and you just rolled your eyes because you knew he would be playing with you once again. You didn’t mind it. 

“Tell me, miss... Who allowed you to be this gorgeous? If I remember good that’s a horrible crime against this society.” he said and narrowed his eyes. 

“How is it a crime, mister?” you chuckled. You leaned on the balcony railing and revealed your smooth legs. 

He faked a dramatic gasp and covered his eyes, “My lady! I’m not worthy to see such beauty. It’s too much of an honour for my eyes.” he said in a dramatic voice as if he was in musical. 

“Stop being dramatic Jae and just come here to hug me.” you chuckled when you saw his excited smile. “As you wish, my lady.” Jae smiled and pulled you close to his chest. 

You both took a sip from your drink and put it down on the table next to you. “To answer your question. Why is it a crime? Because they would be too jealous of what you can offer. Beautiful woman with an even more beautiful personality? That’s not trendy these days. They might be scared.” he said and connected your lips smoothly. 

He took your arms and gently put them around his neck. You automatically buried your fingers between his soft brown locks that smelled like papaya and lemon. His palms were slowly coming down on your arms to your waist and it stopped on your hips. His plump lips tasted sweet and you wanted more. 

It was a simple kiss but you could fell so much love just from that simple touch. His admiration, his respect, his willingness to make you happy, his love and his desire to you being in his arms forever. This man was truly something else and you couldn’t wish for a better man.

“You are my paradise.” he whispered before he picked you up and walked back to the hotel room.