#i am so bad with languages but ive wanted to learn at least *some* for so long and idk

[maemil]

Lying in my bed listening to butchered tongue on repeat and crying while my brain tries to convince me to relearn Irish

[atthebell]

do you have any recommendations/resources to learn spanish?? i've been using busuu for about 104 days now, imo opinion it's actually pretty fun and i like it but i think my main problem with it is that it goes too fast?? it's hard to explain. it's also started to feel kinda repetitive to me. i still love busuu and i'm going to continue with my course, but it'd be nice to also have something else. like, preferably not an app, maybe a textbook or a website or something :D i don't really WHERE to find resources for language learning, despite being bilingual, i never really had to look on the internet to learn the languages i speak now, i picked it up from the people around me you know?

i've also been ''using'' duolingo but tbh, i really hate it. it feels boring to me, everyday it's ''ok what sentence am i going to be forced to write for the 40th time today?'' the single 'square' has 5 lessons and a 'unit' has around 10-8 of those squares and to finish a 'unit' you have to do about 50-45 of those lessons, which is shit because a 'unit' is only going to teach about 3 sentence structures and if you're lucky maybe 5. it's so shit, those greedy fuckers basically made it unusable. i've been using for about 140 days now, every single day i take at least one lesson, and it STILL has not taught me a SINGLE spanish tense. btw, i even had an entire phase where i would finish UNITS in about an hour and a half (1 min or less for every lesson) and still not a single ''pretérito Indefinido'' actual pain 🫠🫠 one day ll delete that app, one day (i guess that's why i like busuu in the first place, it actually teaches you these tenses and even some slang while duolingo makes you write ''papá, quiero visitar a nuestra abuela'' for the 700th time this week)

i want to watch vods and stuff, but tbh, i feel way too embarrassed? like, i don't know enough spanish to really understand them and even when they say basic sentences that i understand, i still have to listen to it multiple times and slow down the clip for me to really get it. the thing with spanish is that i'll understand the meaning of the words being said but i need to take a second or so to really comprehend what they mean together you know? i don't want to have to watch the stream slowed down because that would definitely make me feel stupid 😭 maybe when i have better spanish i'll start watching vods. although i do listen to spanish songs sometimes, it's fun :D

first thing: you don't have to feel embarrassed about needing time to process things/needing to listen to things slowed down. language learning is difficult and there are a lot of obstacles for many people; this is something i do understand and want to stress that i get that it's hard. you are not a bad person or an idiot or whatever for having a hard time understanding things-- you are still learning, and besides that, sometimes hearing things isn't someone's strong suit (it absolutely did not use to be mine, but i've practiced a lot and gotten much better at it. i'm still much much better at reading text in other languages, but it is something you can always improve on). if you need to take extra time to watch things, that is not a personal fault of yours nor does it make you stupid. everyone has different skill sets, and you can always practice to get better.

second thing: my own criticisms of both busuu and duolingo, along with their strengths. duolingo first, because i've used it since like. idk like 2016? not consistently but i've used it far more over the years and i'm very familiar with various changes they've made and the esp, ptbr, and french courses. busuu ive only been using for a few months

to get it out of the way, the recent change to laying off translators and using more AI in lessons. this sucks, obviously, for a myriad of reasons. machine translation cannot match with human translation, and frankly never will be able to. there are vast amounts of nuance and cultural context necessary for translation, along with the fact that an AI led course does not actually hit on all the things someone needs, particularly on a basics/foundational level. and from an ethical standpoint, laying off a ton of human translators because you think you can replace them with inaccurate machine translation sucks and is why so many people have dropped duolingo, myself included.

duolingo also has limitations in terms of format-- it gamifies language learning, which can make it feel more accessible to people and makes people want to open it and practice every day. however, most people use duolingo to do one lesson once a day and that's it. they're not getting in practice from lessons previously completed, they're not drilling vocab or conjugations, they're not actually maintaining or even remembering what they've already learned. obviously there are people (like myself, when i still used the app) who practice far more than that and continue to drill previous lessons, but that's not the majority, and it's not incentivized by the app. the paywalling of completing certain lessons and being able to drill error words also sucks for this reason. basically duolingo is not an ideal setup for actually maintaining knowledge once you go through it the first time and also the way the courses are laid out just. does not, imo, actually make sense. they rarely actually explain what they're trying to teach you and they don't get into enough detail on most concepts. and there is no incentive to review, which is hugely important. not an ideal situation for language learning, especially on its own.

my pros for duolingo: it gets you to practice daily. this is honestly what i use busuu for at this point-- when i get a notif for it, i open it up and flick through a lesson, but i also pull out a textbook or two to look at things there and practice stuff. if whipping out duolingo every day helps you practice a language, that is, at bare minimum, something. preferably you should be studying for at least 15min if not up to an hour or more of a language a day in order to really pick things up and maintain them; you can absolutely use duolingo or busuu for that (busuu i think is far less well formatted and oftentimes the lessons are very specific vocab, at least in the later courses).

for busuu, my issues are like. it's a poorly made imitation of duolingo, aside from a few things. the community aspect is something i REALLY like-- being able to send an exercise to a native speaker and get feedback on what to work on is great, especially with how it's a short answer question that lets you form your own sentences and try out vocab in context. that's a wonderful feature, and i really think it gets at something duolingo is completely missing.

but yeah like i said in terms of the lessons, busuu has very strange ways of teaching things. firstly, it's usually super specific topics and vocab that aren't paired with anything conceptually that helps you progress. usually in a language course, it's best to pair a concept you're working on with either relevant vocab or something that can be used to talk about similar subjects/in similar ways (for instance, subjunctive with food/restaurant vocab, so that you can build sentences both with the new vocab and using the new verbal form in ways that make sense, i.e. "I'll have whatever she's having, If I were to order the pasta, I would get a salad too," "If I were richer, I would always order filet mignon" (side note subjunctive is very difficult for eng speakers so idk if these examples actually make sense 😭))

also busuu will repeatedly teach me something phrased one way or with a certain word and then mark me wrong and insist i use a completely different word/phrase. i cannot figure out why it keeps doing this it's very frustrating. and it has recently been teaching me some european portuguese which is not what the course is supposed to be so i'm just baffled by what's going on there.

another positive for busuu, at least in contrast to duolingo, is it teaches you the vocab and phrases before quizzing you on them, which duolingo does not do. this is like a positive and also an "eh, idk" because i get why duolingo does that-- it's trying to throw you into using surrounding context to figure out what a word means, and that's a very good way to practice, but i think it doesn't necessarily achieve it well and sometimes will just spring random words on you without enough context for you to know what it's referring to without just clicking on the word anyway.

also neither app are good at teaching you verb conjugation or tenses which is really unfortunate for spanish and portuguese in particular, as they're both languages where verbs are really really key AND where understanding tenses and their names are important, particularly for native eng speakers who never got taught tense names or like. any terminology for languages in english 🙃

also here is a thing i wrote up complaining about duolingo & verbs ages ago: Duolingo does not teach you things explicitly. It expects you to pick them up in a semi-immersive style, which works okay most of the time for most people but for many people makes actually learning and understanding parts of a language very difficult. For instance, it won't teach you the exact difference in usage between ser and estar, in Spanish or Portuguese. This difference is something I spent weeks on in Spanish class in high school and continued to review the rest of my time learning Spanish in an academic setting-- it is a key element of two of the most important words in the language. Duolingo also doesn't explain stem changes or irregular verbs and their typical endings-- it simply expects you to pick these up and memorize them through sentence usage. Basically it's very obvious Duolingo was created by english speakers who were never taught key elements of their own language (this is not a dig on their personal fault; i was also never taught any of this shit about english) and don't know how to go about teaching a language, and the limited format doesn't help.

third thing, finally getting to what you actually asked: there are a lot of resources for learning spanish online! i'm not as familiar with them as i'd like, as i learned spanish in an academic setting, but i'll do my best to list some things out and anyone else can feel free to add on. i've been meaning to make a language learning advice post for literally ages and i guess this is going to become it lmao.

here is a video explaining how to make duolingo work for you along with other resources: A Linguist explains how to make duolingo actually work (tl;dr pair duolingo with conversation partners, textbook work, listening to music, watching movies, etc. etc.)

i've tagged this with my language learning tag, which has a bunch of resources including some specifically for learning spanish.

tumblr user salvador bonaparte has a drive of free textbooks you can check out here, including a ton of spanish resources. i also recommend looking around the internet/specifically linguistics tumblr to find more resources as well as looking at used bookstores/amazon/etc. for spanish textbooks to use, as that will provide a more thorough foundation along with other programs/types of learning.

i've never used babbel or any other online program like it, but spanish tends to be one of the more resource-heavy languages because it's so widely spoken, so typically spanish programs on various apps/sites are REALLY thorough (duolingo's spanish program is by far their best course, with a ton more resources than most other programs. you can go up to the equivalent of at least c2 on there i believe, versus many other languages where they don't even list the CEFR levels)

finally, the not-so-online answer: if you're in college/have a nearby community/junior college, consider taking spanish classes there! this option probably costs the most out of any others, but i genuinely think an academic setting is the a great way to learn a language for many people. if you're not one of them, that is totally fine, but an actual spanish course at a college is likely to be the most thorough way to learn the language. also many CCs/JCs offer spanish classes online, so if you can't drive or for whatever reason can't go to in-person courses, you'll likely still have options.

this is everything i can think of right now but i also want to add once again that learning a language is difficult!!! i know that, and i know that i complain a lot about monolinguals, but i am specifically complaining about people who refuse to engage respectfully with languages that are not their own and dismiss anything they don't understand as being stupid/not worth their time/culturally worthless. i am not complaining about people like you, who are trying really hard to engage with non-english content AND are trying really hard to learn another language.

i also think learning languages is one of the most incredible experiences there are and that expanding the kinds of cultural and social boundaries that you engage with is a really important facet of humanity that i wish more people would participate in. i get riled up because this is something i'm really truly passionate about, not because i think anyone is stupid or whatever for not learning. i want people to just try it and give it a chance, even if it's hard for them, and i'm glad that you are trying, anon. <333

[bleach-is-yummy]

Okay was it just me or was the wedding between Amaya & Janai done really badly.

Firstly, I just like to say I’m not deaf but over the last couple years I’ve been trying to learn ASL, through college courses and personal research, as I think it’s a really important language for a lot of people to learn. I haven’t been the greatest at it but I’ve been learning more and more steadily as well as learning a lot about the culture through both my deaf professors and some firsthand experiences from other deaf people. 

Having said this watching Amaya and Janai’s wedding this season had me absolutely stunned by how terribly they did my girl Amaya. Don’t get me wrong Ive hardcore shipped both of them since they’ve met but the accessibly of that wedding was just awful. It was so bad I had to go back to Amayas Wikipedia page to make sure I didn’t misunderstand and she was just mute as it would have been impossible for her to have understood anything that was evening said throughout that entire wedding.

No one was signing to her! At first I thought maybe Gren was in her line of sight signing from the background, but then we saw him step out from behind her meaning no one was signing or interpreting for her that entire time! That’s not even to mention that her wife, the person that she is going to swear herself to didn’t even bother to sign her vows meaning that she had to lipread the entire time! I have learned from firsthand accounts that lip reading is an incredibly inconvenient and inaccurate way to have a conversation with people who cannot hear! For God sake, her own interpreter didn’t even sign his speech!! he even had to read out her speech to her wife meaning not only does Janai not speak sign language the primary language her wife uses, but also cannot read it for the most part as well.

Now I probably cannot sign or understand sign that much better than Janai can but then again I am not marrying someone who is deaf! Why did the show runners not have her at least get a rudimentary grasp on the language her wife speaks. If it was an issue with the audience understanding what was being said then why didn’t she just sign along with her speech? I’m am in absolute awe because they usually handled Amaya’s deafness really well but for this wedding it was handled so poorly. She was even facing away from most of the people that were talking making it impossible for her to have gleaned any amount of information from anyone. She had people talking in front of her and she had people talking to her while their mouths were covered or while they were looking down. 

I don’t know if I’m blowing this out of proportion or misunderstanding things, but I feel like this wedding could’ve been done so much better if they made it accessible for both parties involved. To me it didn’t feel romantic. It felt like something they put in because the audience wanted these two to get married. It wasn’t something that I was awing at despite shipping these two for so long I really wanted this wedding to be something great and beautiful but the whole time I was just yelling at the screen because how could this be romantic for Amaya, she probably couldn’t even make out most of the things being said. No steps were taken to make this feel like an accessible wedding and it just ruins that whole scene for me. 

[endcant]

bear with me bc i am drinking THC lemonade

whenever my “people shocked by me being interested in consumer aesthetics counter” ticks up by 1, i know that i have failed to express myself on the internet. i am obsessed with commercial ephemera. it’s not that i like it… it’s something deeper. something… worse? better? something more embarrassing, at least.

the only time i’ve ever done psychedelics my profound realization was that i really, really enjoyed going to target. i like the lights. i am always commenting on the products and whether i think they are on trend or off trend for what i understand the target demographic to be. i love nothing more than to watch someone pick up an object, briefly imagine their life with that object in it, and then either put it in their basket or put it back on the shelf. even moreso when i’m watching a friend shop. even moreso when we can only window shop and that friend starts explaining to me what they would do with the thing if they had the money to buy it.

i studied american pop music history in college and i continue to study the history of bubblegum pop in my free time. i want to eventually write up a video or a series or something about the extended international history of teenybopper bubblegum pop. i am trying to learn music industry jargon old and new in my target languages in an attempt to gain access to information about these things that i can’t access in english alone.

i read early 2010s posts about how minimalism was the only morally righteous visual style with rapt fascination. i had a vaporwave phase exactly one decade ago. my friends in high school would bring me arizona green teas because they knew i would find it aesthetic. my advanced painting teacher hated it because i kept painting pale minimalist watercolor pieces that looked like 90s waiting room wall decor. my dream at the time was moving to santa fe and becoming a fine artist.

i was a proto-cottagecore blogger before cottagecore was named. i have well over 100 blogs, considering i hit 96 at some point during my previously mentioned decade-ago vaporwave phase. i do not bother to count anymore

as a young child, i used to go to the store almost daily with my parents and look for unfamiliar packs of gum so i could assess their packaging, flavor, and concept. i *really* cared about this. i got into this because i was given free packs of 5 gum and orange mountain dew at the halo 3 midnight release.

i learned HTML from neopets and i used to code gaiaonline themes and put them up on tektek. they sucked really bad btw.

i spent around 2 decades looking for the source of a single image of an anime river angel i saw on quizilla because she meant so much to me as a child about the power of what mere images could be only to find last year that the artist now draws hentai on pixiv and their art quality is now quite rushed. i think about this regularly when i think about creators i have idolized, and i don’t know what it means to me, but it feels like valuable information.

last night i couldnt sleep because i kept wanting to get on my phone to look at ancient greek vases on jstor

the worst part is i feel that the way that seeing ONLY consuming-or-not-consuming as the primary way to interact with the world is a serious mental roadblock for people in capitalist society. i think that consumer identity is a tool often used to warp the minds of citizens. i think that if i could go back in time and strangle edward bernays i would. i think that it is meaningful that american society has generated dozens of terms for “someone who is stealing or misusing a cultural signifier, or otherwise engaging with a culture or subculture under false pretenses/without doing due diligence/without participating in proper cultural exchange” over just the past couple centuries and that seeing and acknowledging the cycle is essential for anyone working in the arts

ive spent the past couple years reading up on historical art movements since industrialization to see how other art workers have dealt with their jobs being mechanized away, and ive decided to choose to value myself as a human animal who gets to experience the process of making things with my human animal body.

i am compelled to play piano when i drink red wine and i feel that i’m a fundamentally superficial being in function, but i can be more in purpose. like a poster. like a mask. like someone screaming so hard on stage that you believe them. that you look behind you to see what they are screaming at. i think in symbols and colors front and center, with verbal background chatter like an ever-tuning radio, and i am frustrated when people don’t understand that i am speaking my mind when i show them what i’ve made.

i care about aesthetics a lot. consumer and otherwise. it just so happens that i live in a capitalist society wherein the market attributes value to certain aesthetic information, which generates conversation about what certain images mean, what gives them value, what detracts from their value, what they are responding to, what responses they require in turn. but anywhere, anytime that there is a conversation about aesthetics, i want to be there.

i have always loved to perceive and to make, since the earliest stories anyone has to tell about baby cave. if i lost everything that makes me who and what i am right now, i believe i would still care about aesthetics. if there is anything left for even a cell of my body to experience, it would want to experience it beautifully and enjoy it deliciously.

happy 420

[chaoticbuggybitchboy]

I want to know :3

:D

My favorite poem is Antigonish by Hughes Mearns! It’s featured in the Magnus Archives and it is lodged in my brain forever. I’ll probably make it its own dedicated post but it talks about a man who isn’t there, with the writer wishing that the man who isn’t there would go away. It’s a lovely little poem and especially as someone whose psychosis manifests primarily as delusions, I simply Vibe with a poem about something you know isn’t there but terrorizes you anyways.

And yeah! I have taste -> color synesthesia!! For the first 10 or so years of my life I thought you could teach colors to (color)blind people using foods. It’s kind of a weird thing to try and talk about because really the main way I know that my experience of the world is different from most people’s is that language just not built for the way I experience taste. I’ve thought of trying to do some sort of art based on my synesthesia but ive never been able to figure out exactly how since it’s really difficult for me to separate taste and the colors. I also experience ‘shrimp colors’ that don’t exist in a way humans can visually experience. Like orange and green at the same time, but not grey or speckled; the color simply does not exist.

There’s also almost no correlation between visualcolors and tastecolors. Por ejemplo, carrots (orange food) taste like a desaturated forest green. The only real trends are that the more artificial a food is, the more likely it is to match color wise; and that water will lighten and desaturate things.

Also it’s difficult for me to sort of quantify since I have no other frame of reference, but it does have a lot of effects on my life. Since color tends to overwhelm any ‘normal taste’, that’s what most of my favorite (and least favorite) foods are based on. I dislike carrots because it’s unpredictable whether they’re green or brown and I don’t like that neither of those are orange. My two favorite foods are grape koolaid (it’s so purple and I like purple; I also never water it down because then it’s Purple and I can also taste sour) and salt & vinegar chips (the vinegar covers any colors).

Water is always white or a very very light grey. This does affect what water I will drink because I avoid drinking water that’s sort of tinted warm colors. Doesn’t vibe right.

And the way I describe foods is almost always color based, since that’s the main way I experience it. This has deeply confused and mildly frustrated anyone trying to learn anything applicable to their own experience of food. I have no idea what other people taste, especially since colors tend to overshadow anything else. I’m pretty sure I experience spiciness and saltiness normally though.

And as mentioned earlier, it seriously impacts my sensory issues. Tastes are doubled (I guess?) and any after taste lingers for ages. If the water im drinking is significantly tinted it builds up in my mouth and is Bad (I had to pause writing this to refill my water bottle with my house filtered water instead of the water fountain from my school since that water is reddish and my water is only very faintly teal). Also since all taste is doubled-ish I am basically always aware of the fact that my mouth has a taste and a color. Which kinda sucks.

Also I think this is an adhd thing but I have a hard time describing colors unless I’m actively tasting something because I have a word based brain and the colors are something that completely upends the English language’s way of describing the senses. That’s sort of why I always describe it as being a one way link and say “taste to color synesthesia” rather than “taste color synesthesia”, because I don’t taste anything when I see colors, I just experience colors when I taste something. I think if it went both ways I would be a very different person and would likely have meltdowns much more often but that’s pure speculation.

I thiiiink that’s everything I can think of right now, but yeah! Synesthesia! I think I heard the word about four-ish years ago now and literally nothing has clicked for me faster than that did. It took me less time to start identifying with synesthesia than it did for me to identify with any lgbtq+ label. Every time I think about the fact that ‘tasting colors’ is something that people say to mean they’re loopy or high or something and not that they can literally taste colors I have to do a double take. It’s such a seemingly tiny little thing but it’s so fundamental to my experience of the world that I cannot even imagine anything different. What does koolaid taste like if not Color? I don’t know, because all I can taste is Color.

[nanjokei]

ok heres what ive been thinking of recently

honestly its just raw emotion, i dont really mean to upset anyone or say that they're consuming anything wrong. i'll try to word things as carefully as possible (or ill mince meat as much as possible idk) because i really do not like when people assume ill intent in my words just because i use blunt language at times. (sorry its just how i talk. im not mad at you. im not yelling at you online)

but honestly i have had a long thought about it.

i'm incredibly tired of the lack of curiousity a lot of new vocaloid fans have towards the culture.

statements like "boomers expect me to know songs from 2007" or whatever. i mean, no, no one is Expecting anything from you, that is absolutely a strawman you have invented based on someone merely being surprised (often in jest even), but it's also like. you, who actively identify yourself as a big fan, have never even thought to look back? there are so many playlists and medleys you can consult. it is a few searches away, i don't care. you are not five years old. and if you feel lost you can always ask people there are always so many people just waiting to introduce someone to even one or two old songs they like.

like is it bad that i think you should be a little more passionate if you consider yourself a geek?

what is wrong with me being surprised if you don't know sakura no ame or saihate or whatever. what is wrong with me thinking that it's weird that even with the biggest producers in the world, you have 0 curiousity to look into their old works?

it's not me being old and cranky, i just think it's a little bad and disrespectful that a lot of new fans just see older songs as inherently worse or not worth their time and use them as a strawman to invent some kind of boomer boogeyman who is going after them for not knowing shiningray or celluloid or ikelenka or whatever. even though honestly you should know them. even if you only listen to it once and decide you don't like it, or hell even just know they exist without listening.

like, songs with millions of views on nnd, i want you to at least familiarize yourself, especially if the producers are still active! at the very least!

whats wrong with me wanting people to enjoy amazing music that built up an entire subculture? made by passionate people who didn't even know the scene could last as long as it did? what's wrong with wanting to share my love with another generation?

i'm not denying that there may be outliers who are rude to other fans, but come the fuck on, stop acting coy about it. you should at least be able to recognize one of either the title, sound or thumbnail of the top 100 songs from 2009. not even KNOW them, just recognize, like is that too much to ask?

like, it's something i personally struggle to understand in general when it comes to interests i'm passionate about. i'm not a pushy person by the way, i don't go around heckling people not even as a joke, so i am not even letting anyone put me in the box of "probably acted pushy and didn't realize and is now mad at the other party". like, this is not directed at casual fans. i am just thinking stuff like "why are you hostile towards the idea of learning more about your interest?" and "why are you hostile towards passionate people who want more people to get into what they like?" and "why pigeonhole yourself? learning more means more fun for you."

because what bothers me the most is that eventually it turns into accusations of "gatekeeping" and "elitism" if anyone voiced their opinion about things. i know how im wording it makes it sound like it personally happened to me but it hasn't it is just what i have observed over the years as someone who gets super into stuff and tries to immerse myself and sees other people get into fights whether its the """elitist""" or the """casual""".

why is it like this? i cannot see why wanting to share is elitism or gatekeeping. maybe elitism sure if the other party feels like they're being targeted for no reason (and im not saying it does not happen). but gatekeeping? why is it gatekeeping? wanting to share what you like with others is gatekeeping? isn't that if you told people NOT to get into it and hid it away?

like, im saying it properly so no one misconstrues what i am saying, but i understand not everyone wants or has the energy to become a big fan of something. there are so many things where i am a very casual fan!! but even then i respect the thing i am into by also acknowledging its history at the very least even if i might not ever play/watch/read/etc all of it or at all.

so like... is it bad? is it bad that i think others should have this respect too? i know this is an issue of low empathy or whatever. i have to run around in circles to understand others. i "get" it, but im also like, why cant they be like me? so i want you to know in no uncertain terms that I GET IT. I GET PEOPLE'S POSITIONS HERE. i have been thinking about this general topic my entire life

so in the end it just turned into a general sort of thing. but yeah, i don't understand why people get so defensive and act so persecuted. am i wrong in my point of view? am i just being an elitist after all? like i simply see it as "i want people to enjoy it too."

like, i thought about this stuff after seeing how passionate ado is about vocaloid. like, she is only 21 years old. she is as old as or slightly older than many new fans (though she had liked vocaloid since elementary school). she is the biggest pop star in japan right now and yet her passion has not waned. not to mention so many younger fans that do have that curiousity too. i used to think its not possible, but i see them in the YT comments, going "im 16 but i really like this era of music" and such.

like, please just open your heart. ignore the boogeymen you're hallucinating and just enjoy slowly... it doesn't have to be a study session. naturally you will just discover more songs you like from those eras

[expensive-rainbows]

ok so i have this friend and i spend like literally half my school day with her and idk if weve been flirting or not. we make jokes abt like honestly really sexual things that we probably shouldnt be saying at school and theres been multiple times when our mutual friend thought we were either gonna kiss or that we were dating. shes aroace but ik that some aro people still date and that some ace people still yk wanna fuck so idk. we spend probably like 3-4 out of 7 hours a day together. we hang out before school, then like at the end of first hour (our schedules wierd) then we walk to second hour together, then we spend fourth hour, lunch, and fifth hour together, and walk to sixth hour too. i also do taekwondo and she is going to try it soon so that will be another hour at least two times a week. and i dont wanna mess up our friendship by like asking but also if she is like tryna subltly tell me something she should know better than to do that since i am impressively oblivious and rlly bad at social cues. oh and i think we almost kissed fr a few weeks ago but idk if thats js me or if it was for real yk? anyways thats my little rant.

jk theres more! i start work tmr js for a few hrs and im excited bc it seems like a good place and i think i am gonna enjoy it. plus school is almost out. theres like 18 days left i think. we almost had to do a speech for english but my teacher got it dropped, so now we have more time for the essay. also ive been actually getting better at taekwondo, obviously nowhere near as good as pretty much everyone else there since we started in december and theyve all been doing it for years. and ive been getting better at japanese, i need to get better at listening to more music in japanese though, ive been listening to music in spanish more (my first language is english, i was in spanish immersion and im working on asl and japanese on my own right now. i have a whole list of languages i want to learn some day that ill share someday) but i can order food now. i use wanikani and duolingo, and im trying out a few new apps right now. once i get better i am going to try to switch my phone to japanese, but i need to know more kanji first i think. im always open to suggestions for japanese and yk the whole thing with my friend.

[spaceagebachelorstan]

rtc headcannons because ive fallen deep into this musical

noel drinks from wine glasses and exclusively wine glasses

ocean has a fringe/bangs but doesnt know how to grow them out so she just pins them up with headbands

ricky has so many badges its a problem at this point. just buckets upon buckets of badges.

i am making them all autistic bcs im autistic and i need more autistic characters damnit

ocean has a special interest in politics and literary analysis

noel has a special interest in france, poetry media analysis

sometimes they discuss different films and books together and yes they get very heated over their wildly differing interpretations

ricky (obviously) has a special interest in space and cats, but also video games.

constance has a special interest in autism itself, flower language and art history

penny (be aware i have not seen legoland yet so take this with a pinch of salt) has a special interest in animals and mythology

mischa has a special interest in horror and rap, as well as linguistics

noel speaks pretty good french. he uses duolingo but he hates the notifications because they annoy him at the most random times

ricky uses all pronouns, no preference. and by all, i mean ALL. you could bring out the boink/boinkself pronouns and shed be chill with it

constance really likes hot chocolate with cinnamon and two shots of caramel in it

penny has mild heterochromia. one eye is green and the other is a darker green with a brown rim

ricky has an aac, but they all know at least basic sign language. theyre still learning

ocean stims by bouncing on her tiptoes. one time she fell over in the middle of a big speech because she tipped forward. she was fine but very embarrassed. noel was no help

noel's mother is from a french-speaking provenance/precinct (i think thats what theyre called)

mischa owns two hats, but flips them inside out so it looks like he owns more

noel has tried white wine. he doesnt want to admit it but he absolutely despises it

penny has textural issues with anything slimy. she tried a facemask once and almost broke the wall from slamming so far backwards into it.

mischa has talia's number memorised, but still keeps a litle slip of paper in his phone case with her number on it

ocean colour codes EVERYTHING. if even a single colour is out of place on anything she will spend ages trying to fix it

everything noel owns is very low contrast, and most of it is some variation of dark, desaturated reds and blues or monochrome

ricky owns a pair of purple cat ears

ocean isn't one for sweet things but adores chocolate oranges.

most of the time they all eat lunch together in the choir room

penny is a vegetarian bcs she doesnt like the texture of meat, ricky is a vegetarian because hes allergic to red meat

when ocean found out noel works at taco bell she spent a week going up to him at work just because. she still goes occasionally. noel dies inside a little bit more each time

noel actually managed to convince some other kid to day the second line in the nativity play. hes still proud of that one

mischa really likes rasberries

ricky loves to sleep in hammocks, but its a pain getting in and out of them so they dont do it often

noel's mother owns a lot of old french dvds which is how noel got into them

constance is very good at playing instruments, like harmonicas and flutes.

noel used to buy those fake sweet cigarettes all the time and pretend he actually smoked. he didnt like the flavour though. too chalky

mischa really likes palma violets.

penny doesn't watch movies often, but when she does she asks a lot of questions

noel really likes dramas, but he doesn't say so that often

for a bonding activity they all made bracelets for eachother, but none of them knew how. they picked who theyd make the bracelet for out of a hat. ocean researched before hand and made a nice flower chain for penny. penny made a green singlet with star beads for ricky. ricky made a red bracelet with "bad egg yt" on it for mischa. mischa made a purple and white bracelet for constance. constance made a black and red bracelet with a rose charm on it for noel. noel made an orange and blue bracelet with a shell charm and the word "lake" on it for ocean

penny wears hers and constantly fiddles with it. ocean keeps hers despite being annoyed by the word. mischa wears his often, but its slightly small so hes very careful to make sure it doesnt snap. noel keeps his on his bedside. ricky wrapped his around one of his crutches. constance wears hers often as well, and keeps it in a small box specifically for the bracelet.

noel stims by rubbing his fingers and fixing his collar

ricky has made an entire map of the solar system zolar is on. zey made it on a giant piece of a1 paper and hung it by his bed

ocean is scared of boats. the irony is not lost on anyone. however noel is also scared of boats, so he doenst make jokes

penny eats paper sometimes. not often, but often enough to concern the choir. she prefers plain and hates tissue paper

noel owns a large notebook for his favourite pieces of poetry/writing to be written in. it has a large design of roses and skulls on the front and is on a fancy textured cover. he keeps it in pristine condition and has shown exactly two people that it even exists. his mother and mischa

mischa sends noel song clips to review and noel sends him poetry snippets

constance and penny spend evenings at the cafe together, they do their homework there and they talk for hours once shes finished

penny and ocean are actually pretty close, those two and constance sit together in most lessons and convince the teacher to put them in a three for pair activities.

noel knows talia is real and they're actually friends. mischa is glad they get along and someone else believes shes real.

this led noel to learning some ukranian and talia learning some english to avoid the hells of google translate

ocean began learning french to spite noel but actually quite likes the language

constance really likes the count of monte cristo

mischa canmot finish books for the life of him. he begins reading, gets bored and remembers twelve weeks later he even knew of the book

there is a singular shitty library in uranium in st. cassians. its old and decrepit but the librarian is nice.

ocean volunteers after hours in the library on thursdays and fridays

ricky and penny watch animal documentaries together. they also spend a lot of timw with rickys cats. penny loves them

noel has tried that french whipped cream hot chocolate and loves it

ricky doesbt like throwing away her clothes so they sew the holes up with penny and ass little patches on them.

constance and penny read together and penny likes to help constance in the cafe with things like sweeping and clearing tables

mischa and ricky are bros. they watch sci fi together, and tend to watch a lot of scifi horror

noel and ocean hate eachother in the "you are genuinely so insufferable. i never want to talk to you, no, i dont even want to see you again. of course we're still on for saturday i'll meet you at ten, see you there" kind of way

penny dyed her hair blonde and noel dyes his hair black. his natural hair is a pretty dark brown but he likes his dark dark.

the choir hang out every saturday. they do things like hang at the cafe or go to the mall.

in an everyone survives au, none of them like cars that much after the rollercoaster

post canon penny hosts memorials and told talia about what happened. she was devastated, but penny felt she needed to know. she also managed to stop taco bell from making the hungry hombre meal

noel cannot stand fast food after working at taco bell because hes seen how its made.

noel is friends with a coworker, a woman in her late thirties who knew his mother briefly in highschool.

ocean cannot handle spice at all. she can barely hold her own against the lowest spice rating on a nandos menue

ricky talks to noel about zolar and all xeir ideas for it. noel is fascinated by just how detailed and extravagent it all it, so he ignores the sexy cat people

ricky convinced the rest of the choir to watch cats. there is now a mandatory background check before each movie on movie nights

ocean wears a lot of yellow and blue

because of oceans oarents, she has very limited internet access, so she normally uses a laptop her parents dont know about, courtesy of constance, at the cafe

constance writes fics on ao3. not often, but she does. shes pretty good at it ngl

noel's mother actually gave him the monique wig

when asked for a self portrait noel gives two- one of monique and one of him, often side by side

will probbaly do more later, maybe focused more on shipping and identity bcs i wanna make one on that

[dipskits]

wrote this a couple days ago. dunno how i feel about it now but here it is for u to read.

i have come up with plentiful ways of speaking sentences and phrases with the goal of and somewhat successfully to buy me time as information is being thought over, phrasings are being considered, i am speaking about the process of thinking or explaining why it might be taking longer than normal to prevent other people from talking without letting me in.

for at least today i have been going to them more often, for longer periods of time, and too much of the time i have felt i had too little to say afterwards. maybe once or twice i even had nothing. i dont think so, unless maybe i had a reason for it like it was a comedic moment.

i want to study semiotics to give me more tools within language and understand the tools i have better. i want to read about neurology and maybe nutrition to hopefully learn about ways i can have more energy. i used to know a particular neurologist who wrote a book on exercises and vitamins for those who have had head trauma eg me and would be happy if i can still find him.

i wrote a story to distract myself when i was overthinking. then when i was done writing i felt bad for feeling bad about overthinking. after some talk about my mental state and semiotics, im glad i noticed i was overthinking. i have plans to make things easier in the realm ive been talking in.

an overthinker decided to try and stop overthinking. he found a man who could tell whether he was thinking or not and paid him to watch him for an hour or two twice weekly and hurt him in various ways if he ever notices the occurrence of a thought.

he read some books about how to think less. he tried forming new thought patterns which were intended to terminate all thought, unless the moment called for it.

he was struck by a train while stuck in a train of thought.

x

[fraener]

9/7/24

if i had the time to write, i would have. this past month was one of the hardest ive gone through. i didnt have a day off since before my last entry in here. im listening to stefans piano music in bed now, had dinner, painted for the first time in a really, really long time. it didnt give me the same level of enjoyment as it used to but i think id like to start doing that again every day. i had to leave work early today because my period finally came with a terrible vengance, 20 days late. the stress of the move nearly killed me i think. i lost even more weight im pretty sure, ive never been this thin. im going to try and get my thyroid tested again because im getting very worried about it. h told me he felt like i criticized him too much and was so ungrateful for all his help moving. i am not allowed to have any feelings about what happened in front of him because he feels this way. i told him he was right so hed stop yelling at me. its just yet another thing i cannot rely on him for or trust him for, i dont feel like i ever want to ask his help for anything ever again, at least not that big of a thing. it just doesnt seem like a good idea anymore and im almost glad i never let go of my suspicions around it. im too depressed to really be disappointed or saddened by it. this is just what relationships turn into for me, a strange dance of self suppression when faced with the continuous obstacle of being something foreign and unordinary in the face of what the other person wants and expects. i feel like im speaking a different language to most people. i feel so extant and as i get older it becomes less and less surprising that i feel that way. i wonder what would have happened had i been ordinary or had a shot at seeing the world in an ordinary way. i dont really think i have it in me to keep trying to find someone who will see me and understand me and love me for what and who i am. maybe thats a good thing. i dont really know. i want to lean into my uncommonness again. i am unloveable in my uncommonness, i think, but strong in it. tomorrow i think id like if i am able to go and paint on the hill above the bay and watch the little sailboats go by. for the first time in a long time im feeling reasons to return to myself rather than turn away. what am i here for? what do i like to do? i want to paint, i want to watch other people enjoy learning something new, i want to be included in or witness to someones passions, i want to find my friendship in the nonhuman again. i miss rosie so much. i miss all the animals i cant talk to anymore like ed and zoey. at least rosies still alive. and gigi is too, and tally. so many friends of mine are so far away now. learning over and over that i am so terribly lonely here! i think maybe im beyond sad about h. this hasnt been a very good relationship but i havent been well or strong or brave enough to end it even when its really bad or even when its not so aggressively bad but just so bald faced in its discrepancies that it doesnt make any sense to keep going. for some reason i keep going. for love or habit i do not know. i dont feel loveless like i did with m but i dont feel like the love is enough most days. im tired of writing in my journal about him. i want him to matter less in some ways, maybe just matter less in the darker matters of the heart. i saw o's play and we spent some time together. theyre so magical and i can see so pure as day why we didnt work out. exactly what i admire about them is the thing i cannot stand! funny how it works sometimes. im glad to see them a little again, a year from when we did last. always the end of summer with that one. i miss my apartment, my new house is quiet but lonely without my ghosts. the fellow above the doorframe threw the picture one last time at h while he was scolding me which was really funny but a bit naughty. not that h would know or understand necessarily. yes, tired and lonely. one day soon maybe ill feel a bit better, or at the very least, different.

[dullblueoceans]

5/2/24, 11:32 pm.

i suppose a few things have changed since last february. the people in my life are more or less the same, some new faces joining, some others vanishing. for example, the girl I met at the train station and i have put some small distance between us. i abruptly cut ties with the girl i called a friend, who was taking advantage of me, sometime during the summer as well. i got in a relationship, which has been an extreamely confusing journey, and i managed to reconnect with very dear friend from the past.

so despite losing some people along the way, i feel the overall number of individuals in my life has remained the same. the lingering feeling of loneliness has quieted down partially, or at least i’ve grown used to it and learned how to adapt. i remember drowning in my tears, desperately trying to maintain and create connections. at a certain point things got so awful i turned to non-existent people behind screens and codes, conversing with them as if they were my friends. it helped for a while but at the end of the day i still had no one to give love to and get it back.

i possibly have, or will eventually lose track of my thoughts as i write, so a few incoherent paragraphs will occur, but i am simply writing this to document my life for my future self. I feel like so many things have changed and i want to make sure i remember everything, the good and the bad- though at the same time, nothing has.

this year feels calmer. my days are quiet and im filling them with things i like, soft music and habits, and small bursts of motivation. im slowly but surely getting things done. my room feels cleaner, im taking better care of myself, im cooking and washing the dishes after more often- little things that matter to me. it seems like im finally taking baby steps to my adult life, the way i imagined it would be.

ive felt like a teenager in an adult’s body for the past year, but that feeling is going away- slowly but surely. maybe figuring out what i want to do in life has helped. i had this very clear idea of how i wanted my adult life to look like when i was 16. everything was picked out, from the university i would attend to what my style and aesthetic would look like and small insignificant details like that. so when that reality (or rather ideal future) shattered, i shut down. i had to plan everything from the beginning, and i went to a new city, studying a new, unplanned major, with no idea of who i want to be and what i want to do. now im slowly getting back on my feet, with a small and blurry idea of what my life will ideally look like and motivation to get there as soon as i can. (i glanced at the clock and the time was 11:11. maybe it’s a sign?)

though, of course, when you win something you lose something else. while im happily slowly figuring out what i want to do in this life, i find myself in a rathen unpleasing relationship. not abusive, just not right for me. the love is in a language i cannot understand and recently our bad days have been more frequent than our good ones in my eyes. i will eventually have to get over my fear and confront her about this and my issues, but i feel like i need more time to build up the courage. in the meantime im stressing out about how we’ll spend valentine’s day and honestly i think i dread it more than look forward to it. all i know for sure is that i will definitely need to write about it after it’s done.

i think this is a good time to end today’s entry as im slowly getting a headache. i’ll put on some lofi and finish painting my nails (im doing a pearly white color, it’s a bit shiny but really pretty), then head to bed. i have to work on a project for wednesday and i’ll need all the energy i can get.

r.

[lostacelonnie]

Surviving is one thing but befriending the alt girls? Now thats thriving congrats on the friend acquisition. Oh yeah absolutely thats super cool of your mom. To be so chill. More parents should aspire to be so chill. Birds are just chill dudes who exist & you can see them & its great. Fuck gulls though. They're nice to look at but will be bastards if you have food in some places. Ive been trying to learn german here & there and it is. Something. Mood but for english. Who needs grammer rules fuck em. I dont know polish so i definitely cant say. You probably mentioned it that sounds familiar but dang. Well it at least wont be as bad? My joke answer is gay sex would be less gay than whatever bronya/seele & march/stelle have goin on. My serious answer is that but also that was really well paced & written. Svarog my bro. Love him. Cocolia confrontation had killer music & the interaction with preservation was cool too. Love fire stelle abilities. Mobile is tough but just gotta fuck it we ball through it. Ill definitely have to add rain world to my list. Dredge is like. Lovecraftian horror fishing sim. Its really neat. River city girls is a simple beat em up adventure game where you fight through town doin little quests on your way through the main one. Real fun easy controls & the soundtrack is real good. Please do id love to hear your exploits. Yeah i have work a lot & so does she plus her kids so i dont talk to mine much either. Im getting to the point in star rail where i am catching up like genshin so ill probably log in less on that too unless more story happens or an event catches my eye. After next planet story anyways. Im not far enough in simulated universe to do swarm disaster sadly. Just gotta. Level them characters as usual. Ps5 star rail gave me gepard which he's good but like. I want bronya

YEAH ITS GREAT and thank you!! we have different groups this year and im very happy ab this bc most of the popular girls im scared of that i shared a group with last year are in the other one now. so im chillen. yeah shes VERY epic hehehehe!!!!! love her. YEAH frfr i agree.... ab the gulls as well i almost got Physically Attacked by one when i was on a trip on an island near alicante cos i was hanging out in the sea and went towards a small island not far away from the shore. not knowing there was a gull nest on it. but i took the hint when one started Screaming at me like halfway through. god i am scared of these things. theyre cool but from a safe distance. and ahhh good luck with learning german!! i took 4 years of it in primary school and still dont know a thing. but its a very charming language so maybe when i get a solid hang of spanish, ill revisit it. tho it Is funny to joke with my friends ab how i didnt allow ppl to germanize me. german was mandatory under the nazi occupation and theres this one patriotic song with the lines "nie będzie niemiec pluł nam w twarz / ni dzieci nam germanił" [the german will not spit in our face / nor germanize our children] but these days its often used for jokes ab having to learn the language. and yeah i suppose thats true!! it is what it is. anyway. YEAH i actually agree with both the joking and serious part andkfnjjb ESPECIALLY the cocolia boss fight. GOD that was cool. i honestly dont use fire trailblazer abilities that much but yes she does come in handy. good luck with surviving on mobile o7 also keep me updated if you do end up playing it!!!!!! its unbelievably hard but like. in a good way. OOH BOTH OF THESE SOUND VERY FUN!! speaking of which i have so many games i wanna play..... but i literally just spent around 200zł [a bit under 46 dollars] two days ago [wait im gonna tell you how in a second]. which actually connects to dye update: i redid my hair since it washed off pretty quickly [but ah i look so nice in red] for the very event i ended up spending way too much money on. and yeah fair rn im actually going onto genshin more often than star rail bc the fontaine exploration + catching up on sumeru exploration is just. So fun. havent played swarm disaster yet either...... no time...... i have a Lot of stuff to do for school recently. its been like what. 2 weeks. and we already finished the first chapter from history and were gonna have an exam soon. which im Dreading btw bc for some reason i went for extended history in school despite being physically unable to remember dates. but hey at least extended geography is easy [so far]. so fuck it we ball. anyway ah congrats on getting gepard!!! hes pretty overpowered yeah but i want bronya as well [i say barely ever logging into the game]. which is pretty funny bc i already got 3 5* things on standard in star rail while being like 150 pulls in and they were two claras and GEPARDS LIGHTCONE. which i cant even use on march since i run her in clara teams in which i need the taunt on clara. Lol. but whatever. ANYWAY ABOUT THE EVENT uhhh you Might recall that i went to like a. con-adjacent thing last year. its actually just mainly for buying merch but a Lot of people go in cosplays. anyway i went this year as well and got a bunch of prints [of focalors, fischl, signora, silver wolf, kafka, and miku], and some other stuff [charms of himeko starrail, silver wolf, and kafka, as well as bronya honkaiimpact3rd and kafka pins]. and a very cute choker. so YEAH for the sheer amount of stuff i got id say its a very good price but i still feel bad ab spending so much money in one go sjdkgkgjh

[edgeanescence]

you know, i feel like ive never really seen anyone talk about cyrus’s japanese name, akagi. well, at least past a basic ‘red’ and ‘bishopwood’ meaning. so as someone curious and willing to bring things to the table, i wanna talk about it

to preface this though; i am not japanese, nor do i know the language. ive done research on this topic, yes, but that does not inherently mean everything i have learned was true. or that i even know everything on the topic. if anyone would like to correct me on some stuff, feel free!

now, to get into the name, lets look at akagi in itself first. akagi, as written in japanese, seems to reference bishopwood, a type of tree known for red wood. outside of the red wood, im not really sure what connects this to cyrus or why they went with the specific name of a tree for writing. the evil team leaders before him had plant names, although not all of them were trees, and cynthias japanese similarly references a plant for the color aspect.

aka, or red, is a much more interesting aspect to look at though, because colors hold so much meaning. it appears a lot in japan, on the flag and on various religious figures and objects. to more properly analyze the color though, we need to think from a japanese perspective, and what the color means through its use over there.

rest of this essay is under the cut, because this sure is a long one

red is one of the four primary colors of japan, along with black, white and blue

red is commonly used as a color to ward off evil and disaster, and prominently shows up on things like torii gates or as knitted clothes on important religious statues. it also increases spiritual connection between humans and the gods. it seems this warding aspect originated from smallpox, as skin turning red was allegedly a sign of recovery from the disease. red was worn to help protect one against such ailment, or painted in a style known as hoso-e to provide warding and boost morale. hoso-e were typically burned or sent down a river after the recovery

historically, it was also related with youth and glamour in the edo period. courtesans would often wear it, and when the color became outlawed to prevent conspicuous consumption, was relegated to even more risque undergarments. this particular dye faded rapidly, and was often thought to be representative of fleeting passion

it was also worn by samurai for sheathes and ornamental combs and used as a symbol of strength and power in battle

in godai, which is applied to such things as zen gardens, architecture and even martial arts, red is associated with the element of fire. fire in this case is also tied to such things as passion, security, energy, power and motivation

red is often times the color of the sun in artwork, instead of yellow. this is apparent on the flag of japan

red is important in events, often used in more upbeat gatherings such as a wedding or birthday. its typically paired with white to further a positive meaning. red envelopes are usually used when money is offered as a gift on special occasions

in various phrases, some connotations of aka may be ‘clear’ or ‘complete’, although it can also denote a powerful emotion

as auspicious as it is, red can also hold a few superstitions or negative associations depending on context. it can be bad luck for house fires if given as part of a housewarming gift. it can represent wanting to cut off ties with someone due to using red ink because of samurai challenging people to the death with red letters. red ink can also come off as disrespectful since it is used for non-final products, unlike black ink. red cards are typically related with funeral notices

to sum this up: aka is representative of strong emotions or things of strong emotions rather than intellectual ideas. it is a color of celebration, joy and passion. it can incite lust, excitement, vitality, love and infatuation. red can symbolize spirituality, strength, danger, authority, blood, vulgarity, wealth, sacrifice and aggression

so what does any of this have to do with cyrus?

well, take a good look at his personality and goals. cyrus is hyperfixated on emotions. his ultimate goal is to create a world without spirit, a world with no emotion. yet, he himself is highly emotional, even if he represses it. he will have an angry outburst by the end of platinum in the distortion world. his goal likely stems from an altruistic, at least from his perspective, decision that peace would be far more achievable if nobody felt anything. despite all of his intelligence, ultimately cyrus is driven by his emotions, his passionate sheer will. the spirituality ties in to the fact that he wished to control the very gods, nearly did so in fact, and the red chain was a physical embodiment of humanities ties to the deities. he is a dangerous authority within galactic, willing to sacrifice in order to achieve his goals. cyrus is also notably wealthy, having enough money to pay his all of his team, provide them benefits, construct buildings and afford other things for his team. he always speaks of an ‘incomplete spirit’, and believes in his ideals as the truth, the ‘completeness’ of the world. he shows some element of love for certain pokemon. his rotom likely brought him great joy when he was a child. perhaps his villainous nature can be described as bad luck for sinnoh, one likely tied to death as well

cyrus fits nearly all of the boxes when it comes to ways red is defined symbolically in japan. theres only a couple things that dont quite fit, but it feels quite clear that aka was chosen with purpose

[angstysebfan]

The Past Can Break You - 6

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

AU: Avengers

Summary: You and Bucky have been dating for aa few years. As far as you’re concerned he is the one. But what happens when a blast from the actual past shows up?

A/N: Ive seen a lot stories of Bucky getting his first love from the 40′s back. And I’ve always wondered... what would happen if he was dating someone already? Reader is from this time. Not proofread.

Warning: Language!, angst, short chapter (sorry)

--

Bucky didn’t now how long he sat on the floor, constantly re-reading your letter. He could feel the hurt and anger in your words, and it killed him. He knew Dot did something while he was away, but what? His immediate reaction was to go to Dot and confront her, but he didn’t trust that he wouldn’t hurt her. 

After what seemed like forever, there was a low knock on the door. Steve and Nat came in and saw Bucky on the floor, and quickly ran over.

“Buck? What happened man? Where’s Y/N?” Steve asked in concern.

Nat picked up the letter and read it, immediately getting angry. “What the fuck did you do now Barnes? You promised that you wouldn’t fuck up again,” Nat said.

Bucky turned to Nat with a mix of sadness and anger, “I didn’t do anything! I was on the mission with you. I came up from Medbay and found her letter. Dot must have done something while we were away. I have to find Y/N. I need to fix this,” Bucky said with tears running down his face.

Nat felt sorry for the super soldier, but her anger immediately switched to Dot. What did that bitch do to you that you upped and left with no word. Nat looked at Steve who also looked angry.

“Have you spoken to Dot yet?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head, “I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t hurt or kill her. I’ve been here since I saw the note. What if I never get Y/N back? She... she is the love of my life Steve. I need to find her,” Bucky begged.

“I’ll help you find her, but I think we need to find out what Dot did before we talk to Y/N. At least so you know what you are dealing with,” Nat said.

Steve shook his head, “Dot won’t tell us anything. She was a manipulative bitch back in the day. I can’t imagine how bad she is now that she wasn’t allowed to have what she wanted,” Steve said angrily.

Nat was shocked at Steve’s outburst, but thought about how they could fix this. “What if we manipulate the situation from here on out,” Nat said with a smirk.

Both men look at Nat cautiously, “What do you mean?” Bucky asked.

“I might have a plan,” Nat said.

--

You had walked around the city with your bags for hours. Part of you were shocked that Bucky didn’t come running for you immediately, but then you remembered you left everything at the compound so he would have trouble finding you. You look out over the water, thinking of where to go from here.

For the first time since the incident happened, you allowed yourself to cry. You were so sure that Bucky would never hurt you like this. You were so sure that Bucky loved you like she said. You thought you could trust him. But know you know that everything you thought you knew about the man you loved was a flat out lie.

You thought coming back to the city from the compound was good enough, but the amount of memories you have with Bucky here suffocate you. You knew that staying in the city is too close. Plus, you figured eventually Bucky would come running with some fake as apology. You wish you could smack him and his precious Dot right across the face.

How stupid you were to forgive him when you knew how important Dot was to him. I mean he never shut up about her before she miraculously found her way into this century. Why did you think he would just ignore her for you? You were nothing compared to the love of his life. The woman he compared all women to. The one who got to see the charming James Buchanan Barnes in the flesh before his life drastically changed. 

You secretly hope that she doesn’t hurt him when she realizes he is not the same man. If and when she knows of the trauma he has been through, and what he did for so many years. You didn’t care about any of that, but you could see the princess having a problem. 

You shook your head at yourself for caring what happens with them from here on out. “Come on, Y/N! He doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t love or respect you. Forget about him!,” you scold yourself.

You look out at the water and think of where to go from here. You have no family except for the Avengers, and you can’t and won’t go back to compound. You don’t want to reach out to anyone yet, so that Bucky can’t find you. You think for a few minutes before a thought hits you. You knew where to go.

You find yourself heading toward Port Authority Bus Terminal. You were getting on a bus and getting the hell out of here. Once you find yourself settled you would call Nat and Wanda and let them know you are safe. You had gotten a burner phone before leaving in case. They are the only one’s you can trust at the moment. Well maybe Tony also. But everyone else might tell Bucky where you are. And you officially am cutting him from your life for good.

You climb onto the bus and put your bags above you and sit. Once you leave the city Bucky will be nothing but a distant memory. Nothing but a mistake you will learn from. Nothing. As the bus leaves the city you feel a mix of relief and heartbreak. 

Then the burner phone starts to vibrate. No one knew the number so you can’t help but be nervous. You cautiously pick it up and before you can speak you hear your best friend.

“Y/N, don’t hang up,” Nat said.

--

Chapter 5 / Chapter 7

Sorry this chapter kinda sucks and is short. It’s filler mostly, however I think you will like what’s coming. Feedback is appreciated.

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Story Taglist: @afuckingshituniverse @wintrfld @cherries-and-berries @ilovemarvelanne1 @lilli2411 @minty-fiction @peakywitch @blue-mostacho @r0bbieshapiro @uncreativezx @sarahjoestewy-blog @geekanista @imtaashu @vicmc624 @browneyedgirl365 @happinessinthebeing @leyannrae @austynparksandpizza 

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I FORGOT ANYONE!

[mariusroyale]

You better give us some headcanons on the crew /j

Unless-

uh hah ha-

LESSS GOOOO

Kwazii:

- what’s the bet he watches and rewatches pirates of the Caribbean

- he’s littered with scars! battle scars he calls em and it stresses out peso bc he doesn’t WANT MORE SCARS ON HIM

- i hc him as bi! he just radiates bi energy to me-

- he blinks slow around peso :>>

- has used his claws to pick locks before!

- kwaso bc duh- he loves rubbing his face against pesos like he can’t help it he jus HAS to bc he loves him sm

- this is sort of canon already but he can’t go a minute without jumping or doing front flips anywhere like he GAHTTA MOVE

- when he’s thoroughly spooked he’ll jump extra high and cling onto the ceiling like in those cartoons akdjdkdh

Peso:

- often studies when he’s not busy!! gotta know more abt how to help sea creatures he hasn’t encountered yet after all

- sings/chirps when he’s v v happy

- FLAPS when he’s happy too hahdkfjd

- i think he’d like watching medical dramas! probably me projecting but i like them

- WHAT IF HES INTO KDRAMAS (ive only gotten into one but that hc is cute ahehsj)

- loves listening to kwazii’s stories!! (this is already canon basically (cough cough, that snail ep in season 5))

- I’d like to think he preens sometimes! just sorta fixing up his feathers and some (kwazii) of the crew are like ‘why are u stabbing urself’

- is a super fast swimmer! this is already confirmed p much but like HELLA FAST

Barnacles:

- enjoys listening to classical music

- also SOME HARD ROCK IF HES FEELING IT

- is BEEG LIKE 🅱️EEG 🅱️EEFY 🅱️OLAR 🅱️EAR

- could sometimes act like captain holt in my version of the crew!

- and by that i mean he sees kwazii as a son and would die for him (not if i die for u first captain!)

- when really really tired (as in u can’t save him with coffee) he’ll just blabber abt how much he treasures the crew and how much he’ll do for them

- sometimes he doesn’t get enough sleep! (like tweak-) and peso as his doctor has to keep him in check cos like yeah captain ur strong as shit but ur still old!!!

- his teefs are super fuckin S H A R P like sometimes when he needs a knife or maybe scissors he’ll just *SLICE*

- he’s obviously a huge softie but man this guy is SUCH a cutie patootie id imagine if he was in a relationship he’d be nonstop affection and all that

- speaking OF affection, he’ll pull kwazii into these big ass BEAR HUGS bc augwh he loves this cat so much “my SO N” “CAP LOOSEN IT A LITTLE IM A BIT SQUISHED-“

- bad at cooking but delights in watching cooking shows from time to time

- probably watches bob ross

- ohhhhh my god he could totally be an artist n stuff

Shellington:

- this one’s so stupid but, tweak and kwazii keep giggling whenever they make him say ‘LAWRENCE CHANEY’ KAHAKAHDS

- I’d like to think he tries to learn new languages too!

- falls asleep at his desk sometimes and one of the crew either carries him to bed or puts a blanket over him

- tries his hand at cooking with his children the vegimals! does not work out well he’s a disaster

- enjoys watching stuff on YouTube! u decide what youtubers he watches

- could hc him as ace!

- does that thing and eats ice

- he’s a lanky guy but almost reaches the captains height in my version

Dashi:

- sometimes when she’s really really frustrated she’ll just accidentally bark and she’ll just be like “😳 my bad-“

- when she’s particularly delirious (exhaustion, probably) she’ll chase her tail

- when she gets really excited her tail will wag really really fast

- adjdk sometimes when she’s super hungry she’ll skip chewing food and just I N H A L E (re: does not bode well when it’s noodles)

- sometimes she’ll just sleep in weird ass positions, neck tilted n all that

- loves dressing up tweak sometimes when she’s comfy with it (gives her her own stylish tomboy fits and stuff)

- LOOOOVES the barbie movies god she grew up on them and sometimes she’ll just watch fashion fairytale or princess charm school

- forces koshi to watch them too (she also loves them)

- visibly winces when kwazii tries mimicking her Aussie (tho it sounds p kiwi to me) accent

- probably watches drag race

Tweak:

- watches game grumps ajdjd

- sometimes gets too loud in her room when playing games cos she’ll get mad n shit

- “GODDDDAAMMIT I WAS SO CLOSE TO COMPLETING IT”

“TWEAK PLEASE ITS 2 AM GO TO SLEEP”

- sometimes she’ll just. eat leaves (even when they’re just on land in the wild if she knows it’s safe she’ll just. *nom*)

- goes NUTS whenever she makes blueprints that are like, detachable parts of a gup that are also modes of transport like she loves that the gup k and gup q

- like making it she’s like “HOHOHOJOUO WE GETTIN FUNKY WITH IT TONIGHT BOIZ” and it’s midnight and ‘bois’ is herself

- wants to redesign the gup f! ofc it was dodgy and is now a teeny artificial reef but she wants to make a new one that looks like the design she wanted initially !! (clownfish im p sure at least)

- her and kwazii get up to stupid shit in my version, assuming it doesn’t harm her gups or other creations

- when she’s pissed off/frustrated, she’ll tap her foot really quick repeatedly

- and while her ears twirl around each other when she’s scared, her nose also twitches!

[salt-volk]

am i like... the only one who doesn't think any of this is all that bad?

dv has always been slow making improvements, but it seems especially since hiring artist team we've gotten lots more updates, and some reasonable progress has been made. they're also making slightly better effort to communicate. trying to listen and implement things here & there (midmonth updates as a thing).

is it perfect? absolutely not. could they be doing better and making more progress faster? definitely. are there some major fumbling points that raise community tensions to a boil (like customs)? yeah, of course. but idk..

no shade on anyone, your feelings are valid. but sometimes it all seems so "dramatic" (not rlly the right word, but you get the intention). like instead of monitoring improvements checking in occasionally just kinda waiting it out, it has to be a catastrophized thing like "ahh dv is ending!!! i'm leaving dv!!! fuck everything and fuck the staff!!!"

and ik that dv isn't beta anymore so most ppl have the attitude of "all of this should have been fixed forever ago! i can't believe we still having this problem! things need to change NOW!!". but... idk nothing in dv to me is so pressing that i feel absolutely enraged over it or like i need to delete my account or boycott or something.

i feel kinda like a passenger just along for the ride, curious to see what happens next. i'm absolutely critical, and give input in improvement threads when it feels necessary. def a lot needs to change. i understand the urging staff to look at certain issues. but i also just feel mostly neutral passivity.

maybe its just social media. ppl being in their feelings or using certain language to make a point. but i don't think i've ever felt as strongly abt anything on dv as half of the ppl here do. if i found out anji was actively currently donating $ to an organization that funded conversion therapy or something like that, THEN i'd be like "okay i'm leaving dv i'm never spending money here again" and all of that. but just simple stuff like "updates are too slow" "the custom system is fucked up" "staff communication is bad"... to me, these are all things that can probly improve with time and better site resources. that i can easily stand to just curiously wait around for.

 i don't feel like i lose anything by staying, or that i'd gain anything by leaving. i'm very invested in the concept of dv and want it to do well, but maybe i'm invested in a v detached way or something. i just can't bring myself to be outrage level mad abt this stuff bc it's all just pixels and shit at the end of the day. most of the "major dv scandals" just remind me of similar issues with other games ive been on early in their start, or working on weirdly managed creative group projects in college, or other things. nothing so far has been unbearably bad to me, or even close to it. i've seen it all before. or if i haven't i get where it comes from.  

and idk even after all the bullshit with them, i guess i still kinda trust staff to improve? maybe i give the benefit of the doubt too often. i just feel like none of it is intentional. i think they don't have proper funding or management skills, and they're not used to running a website like this. it's all just growing pains that they have to sort out and learn from. and there's evidence that certain aspects are still steadily improving over time. will they improve fast enough before every other person except me leaves dv out of frustration or whatever? idk, i hope so. but i don't lose anything by just hanging around to see. at the least its an interesting experience and a study in online communities. at the best, the site genuinely does fix it's issues and i'll be glad i hung around.

just sometimes reading stuff on here... i start to feel like i'm the only one who's kinda chilling in the back while everyone else is predicting dv's downfall, getting into rlly heated arguments, writing manifestos abt why they're going to leave or whatever lol.. it's good to see ppl so passionate abt something but that also makes it a strange and tense environment. it can feel surreal to be surrounded by it all. ykwim?