#i cant trust anybody and I feel like and know in some cases it has been used against me

[chagrin-roses]

I thought I hit rock bottom a few months ago but I was dead wrong tf 💀

[youremyheaven]

I found your blog when I was reaserching sufism since I’m leaning into it and the first thing I saw was your post about fated love which is so crazy because I’m pretty sure I’m on a “twin flame” journey!

Last year I saw a guy I met 7 years ago and that I hated at the time and I got triggered beyond measurement (I minimized it to the fact that I was jealous of his accomplishments) and my life has flipped upside down since then. I’ve healed so much of my trauma & went though a complete ego death and went out to find my callings.

The only thing is that he has been on my mind for a whole year in a fundamental way and I’ve even had crazy lucid dreams about him and i just feel so pathetic at times for spending so much thoughts on a stranger.

When i first prayed to god for answers is when I had my first dream of him the same night as some sort of answer but I’m still confused.

Sorry if this information overload but if you have my more knowledge and advice on the subject I would appreciate so much ❤️

finally a different kind of ask <3

i have been on a twin flame journey for several years now and this is probably going to be a controversial take because i havent heard anybody else express this sort of opinion in the twin flame community (99% of people in that community are absolutely delusional so i refrain from taking part in that sort of thing) i honestly think uniting on the physical plane is probably impossible for many twin flames and i also dont think theyre meant to?

a lot of people confused limerence with twin flame-ness. idk who needs to hear this but the random married person you're obsessed with isnt your twin flame.

in 2022 i met someone who i felt strangely pulled to. he reacted to seeing me like he was struck by lightning and i felt repulsed by him. in 2023, it became this cat and mouse, back and forth kind of thing where it seemed to build into mutual obsession but after interacting with him, i was completely put off by him and felt even disgusted by him but at the same time, i have changed so profoundly as a person from that first encounter and the second encounter that i really cant make sense of it. he instils a sense of desire in me and makes me want to change things and be better for myself yk? he's like the silent voice in my head ngl, everytime i think of doing anything, i have him in mind as my imaginary audience lol. its not in terms of whether or not he would approve but rather in terms of his presence?? feels comforting?? so its nice to have his energy in mind whenever im confronted by something new??

the trauma confrontation, ego death, finding your calling etc are all part of the journey

if you feel yourself slipping into obsessive thoughts, try to focus on prayer, or work or your hobbies because its unhealthy to dwell on such thoughts too much but some minuscule amount of feelings for that person (feelings that are very confusing because it cannot be easily defined) will always linger. i wish them well and hope for the best but right now all i can do is focus on what their energy is doing to me aka undoing my life and making me level up lol and each phase of this journey is unique like that.

in my case, i dont expect to ever unite with him physically. i just dont think its possible tbh but i have a very strong feeling that i will run into him again in a few years and that its part of the journey idk

my advice would be to focus on yourself and not on him but by focusing on yourself, you are healing yourself of what is keeping you in a state where you react negatively to them, ykwim?? dont expect to be with that person, the purpose of a twin flame is to teach you things and help your soul ascend to the next level. union cannot be orchestrated and sometimes god knows best that union is not meant to be in this lifetime. but that does not mean this experience isnt valuable. the experience is what it makes of you. and its vvv easyyy to romanticize a person you dont know very well, just trust that its for the best that youre not with them tbh

[frostbite-the-bat]

theres a severe problem with me on like a really deep level if i self deprecate this much over writing fictional characters and at this point i dont know if its just an inside problem, an outside problem, or a tangled mess of the both that i will probably never figure out and will have to be forever "fuck it we ball" about despite being in fear of what others think about me and the state fandom is in and how just your interpretations you may have at a given time somehow now equal to your moral compass. anyways into a whole rant i go.

i think it is not gonna be a surprise to anybody that one of my biggest fears in life ever is being "cancelled" or called out and just cast away and it gets really stressful when i know i do have a bunch of people who know me like i get recognized on toontown every other day and ive met people who ive never seen before who somehow knew my work despite it being? quite obscure and out there? wacky shit. real wack. like i met someone on a fucking club penguin private server (that i hate now ok i dont play or care abt those anymore) and we became friends and as i always do i show off the things ive made and they tell me theyve seen it before. what the fuck do you mean. that thing barely has a 1000 views. and thats the lucky videos. or unlucky if you see it that way. (i for sure do sometimes) now imagine if someone complained about me. Everyone Would Know.

but then again i am already featured in some nasty videos and nobody knows. tbh bc nobody cared even if it was a literal Adult Talking Bad To Children case. id say the whole thing if i personally was comfortable saying it out loud here i dont want to remind myself of that.

i really wish i could just stop over thinking and do things for fun...but i also like sharing things with the world - but i just have zero trust in people out in this world, especially in fandom. but like, in general, i have very low trust in people like this. (and yet i can make a friend in just one interaction.) i feel like i should be dissected and studied because by talos i can't figure this shit out on my own.

kinda a problem when all of this is just from me thinking about fictional characters. but then again fiction is the only thing keeping me together because i can't handle a second in the real world due to how shit it is at least for me currently. is it the worst ever? not really. theres people who have it worse. i get it fairly well.

is it any good though. no. i feel trapped here and i cant get any help until i get out of here. which i fear doing. which is always fun to deal with.

like this is the only place i feel right - and i feel like i must be a 100% perfect or i can be booted out.

but also just. i want to be proud of the stuff i do. i want it to be good. i dont want to look back in regret. all artists do that, though - its a sign you improved. but what if the bad old work is what my friends remember me by. or others around me. what if its what they defy me as. that old thing instead of my growth. no it has to be perfect the first try. and i think you can see why this expectation isnt exactly healthy

[shipwreckedshadows]

thoughts on the Vat of Acid theory (the one where queen either throws spamton into the acid pool or gets swatch to do it):

not a fan. like super not a fan of this.

it i guess makes sense if you look at how short spamton is and connect it to the vague threats queen makes during her boss fight about throwing people into acid. it has a lot of really cool horror elements and potential for angst.

the problem with Vat of Acid theory is that, once you decide to add that to your story, any chance you could’ve had for spamton to reunite or build a positive, healthy relationship with anybody in the mansion is eliminated. especially if you characterize spamton as desperate and at his wits end during his “eviction.”

i shouldn’t have to explain why. if someone critically maims you for life, the last thing you’re going to consider about them is their relationship potential. it doesn’t matter how much time has passed or if you think you can write a very clear and thought out conversation where the guilty party poses a convincing apology.

the case against queen is the fact that she feels the need to throw people into acid pools because... they can’t pay rent? i’ve read cases where the queen does it because spamton is carrying some sort of virus in his code. but... there’s such things as antivirus or firewalls. or. you know. you could give him medical treatment. the fact that she jumps straight to 11 is, and should be, a red flag. this isn’t just about spamton, either. any relationship  queen tries to have with other characters, no matter how positive, is going to come with the undertone of what she did to spamton and every interaction is going to be tainted with that.

the case against swatch is basically the same thing if you decide to have swatch be the one to throw spamton in the acid pool, even if they’re acting under orders. there’s some potential here to explore the idea that swatch literally and physically cant ignore or disobey queen’s orders and the existential crisis/dread/conflict that comes out of that - its an idea that i honestly find very interesting. in general, the Vat of Acid theory lends itself to some complex and nuanced story ideas.

you can tell an interesting story about trust and betrayal (there are some good fics out there that build a relationship b/w spamton and swatch before swatch gets ordered to throw their lover/friend/whatever into the acid pool). you can even use it to write a story about the way spamton, post freedom, falls back into relationships that are unhealthy, relationships where he’s manipulated or where he lowers his standards because he’s been without decent human connection for so long. 

if you are trying to write spamton into a positive, healthy relationship with any of the mansion dwellers, however, the Vat of Acid theory creates a point of no return, after which any attempt to do so is unconvincing. 

[daimonhalos]

Appreciation post for the eggpire and more during the red banquet cause I'm not seeing enough love for how well they organized and delivered and because I'm so proud of cc!Bad for how far the Bloodvines arc has gone ♥ (this stuff is from Bad's vod btw)

Also something to cheer people up a bit in case the lore got u hard like it got me cause I'm still not okay bestie <3

The starting soon screen being an animation (with glitches to show another frame!!) plus the jazzy electro-swing soundtrack underneath. Just such a good intro, I felt like I was actually in the waiting line for an event, just awesome.

Ponk. Just Ponk, dapper man, handsome Ponk just standing there. Gorgeous, thank you, standing ovation, I love him.

Just everything Bad and Ant did with the building of the room, the stairs!! The coat room!!! The statues right in front of the table, everything looked SO pretty.

ANT MY BELOVED LOOKING HANDSOME AS ALWAYS I just loved all their outfits. The banquet's skins just SLAPPED HARD.

The little moment where Bad changed view of his character and we could see him, Ant and Ponk cwc

Bad singing >>>>>>>>>>

Everyone getting lost despite the oak signs

THE ARC ABOVE THE DANCEFLOOR, WHAT THE HELL YOO

Bad complimenting everyone on their outfits and giving out some gapples here and there

Bad also always repeating the same catchphrases

Sam just drinking copiously and the dumpy situation

People actually dancing + HBomb being the dj

Puffy walking around Bad to see his outfit and complimenting him, just felt like their old friendship cwc

FOOLISH GAVE BAD A FLOWER <3

Bad scolding George for not wearing an outfit (Sam's "his name is Gogy and he is beautiful")

"It's almost time for the feast. It's gonna be delicious." the foreshadowing

Everyone dancing together cwc

"minecraft dancing is speed squats" eret ilu

Bad and Ant complimenting moment ♥

The eggpire all on the same side of the table. Them

Ponk's little "Hello!" after Bad said he made the soup, plus everyone going "good job!!" just twt

When Bad started asking if anyone wanted to give a toast, I realized eventually that this was more of a disguised "Want to say your last words before death?" and it now sounds s o freaking cool. ye s

P O N K 'S S P E E C H

"you look beautiful right now" sam i will cry

When in the middle of his speech, Bad turns to Ant who's already looking at him, nods, Ant nods back, and as Bad turns around again we can see Ant walking away from his seat. I am OBSESSED with this scene, like you already know something is about to go down and oh gosh it was delivered so good

THE LAVA COMING DOWN FROM THE CEILING AS BAD KEPT TALKING, NONE NOTICING, HIM TALKING ABOUT HOW THE BANQUET WILL BE UNFORGETTABLE. SO HOT

"And yeah! Thank you for coming everybody" the little mischievous giggles right after "And prepare uh ... yep. Prepare to die." AND THEN HE FUCKIGN DRINKS FROM HIS GLASS LIKE COME ON YOU CANT BE ANY COOLER THAN THAT YOOO

"The leaf is staying the way it is" you can hear the laughter in his voice like HAH GOTTEM that's so good

Bad still giving Hbomb gapples cwc

"Where you looking for this perchance?" AND THEN EQUIPS THE ENTIRE ARMOR AND WEAPONS E Y E when the twists started dude. this si where the twists started and never ended

HANNAH CROSSING SIDES AND SIDING WITH THE EGGPIRE. QUEEN SHIT that was such a cool moment for her i'm so glad she's getting her moment

The eggpire laughing, just pure villainy, love them

"Time to get on the main event" the nonchalance. The way they equipped the crossbows and readied the arrows at the same time. B r u h fucking awesome they are

The eggpire faking being afraid when Sam was talking about blowing the egg up. Sad that we already knew about the obsidian thing, but still made it a very cool scene. Especially right after when they started laughing at them again. I don't know what it is about it but I love them being so sassy.

FREAKING EXECUTIONS THEY WORKED FOR MASS EXECUTIONS they were able to trap all those freaking people!! And trick them and counter attack all the time! what the fuck, I'm so impressed

Thank you Fundy for sounding super terrified /gen ♥

Wait ahah they really said EGGSECUTION-

THE EGG HATCHES THE EGG HATCHES THE EGG HATCHES im not saying IT but im saing Velvet

"Follow me! Follow me!" HANNAH SOUNDED SO ENTHUSIASTIC i love

"We trusted you!" "Well, that was your first mistake-" THE WAY BAD WAS ABOUT TO LAUGH. DUDE they definitely had so much fucking fun making this

sassyboyhalo

Foolish acting thank u ily. Also the thunder not working what the heck i wanna know what was going on inside his mind right then he sounded so lost. THE ACTING

"Sacrifice!" Hannah idk how to say this but I love you

ANT MOMENTTTT

When puffy called them selfish i was expecting bad to just do a huge double take. I wanted him to snap immediately PLEASE SNAP-

BAD DELIVERING AGAIN WITH THE AMAZING ACTING

"Not just for the egg but for what the egg is going to give us" he's so desperately trying to make them udnerstand it promised him his friend back he literally mentions it every single time but everyone calls him selfish because they think he wants power when he just wants skeppy's friendship back in this essay I will- Anyway yes I love that he never explicitly says it because it kills us viewers with pain cause we KNOW and then the reveal will be 100 times more powerful. This is so awesome

"I can't stop Quackity and you know why I can't stop. If I stop I can't get what I need." his voice grew so much lower like he's just holding back MAN I HH IT WAS SO GOOD

SECRET RETREAT ROOM YOOO

Ponk giving Bad some food and telling him to stay safe, Bad telling both Hannah and Ponk to stay safe too. My tears

And now the solo Bad lore part, where we actually see the true part of him that's absolutely devastated and makes me cry, the way he acted all confident and then saw everything crumble in a few seconds and now he's destroyed again because what if they find a way to destroy the egg what then? what if he never gets skeppy back? dude, you can just read his emotions it's so sad and i love how it was portrayed

"I know where I can go. I know who I can see!" BDI REF BDI REF FOR SURE I have a feeling that's going to be explained in the next lore stream with Skeppy and I'm so hype. I love the little crumbs of references here and there.

"But now they have it.." he sounded so broken??? bad your acting please ill cry

"I didn't really want to hurt anybody" his true self trying to get back cwc especially because he's farther away from the egg. I just love the transition between the guy Bad portrays who's so sure about the egg when it's in front of others and the doubts and anxiety he actually has when he's alone. Just so cool

"Did I screw up?" im just pointing out everything that moves me emotionally cause these people's acting is so cool

Ending the stream with simple black background my beloved

Okay but really I'm so so so proud of the ccs for making this happen and it's only going upwards, I'm literally so in awe, they really said go big or go home

Free space for Ant's villain speech I wasn't able to hear yet, but they said it was v cool, so I'm trusting people on this

Thank you for listening, stan Bloodvines arc /hj

If I made typos no I didn't

[kung-fu-headcanons]

any hc about po with dementia

or if crane finds that po is depressed/suicidal (prane is cool too)

This is yet another ask I stalled on cuz I wanted to write a short skit for the dementia part I hate laziness (but tbh it's probably cuz I'm not a part of this fandom anymore still tho) either way am sorry for the really long wait anon 😣 *cutely ignores the "or" and does both prompts*

Dementia!Po

Typically develops due to old age/failing health, but in this case, it would make a little bit more sense for it to be a result of a bad head injury.

Fights can get rough, especially when you're dealing with a more powerful enemy, so, the enemy was fighting dirty, and did not show any mercy to Po.

The fight that is happening, would resemble the one that happened in s2ep7-8 of legends of awesomeness (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're gonna have to look it up, I would rather not spoil in case someone who hasn't seen it is reading this)

I guess, because of his chi, he recovers a bit faster than a regular kung fu master, but he's still in bad shape

He's quite confused and disoriented, in which Shifu and the Five dismiss as a result of having engaged in a hard battle, not yet knowing the severity of the situation yet

They do recognize that he hit his head really hard, and take him back, and have a medical professional come over to check on him

As time passes, Po first starts to forget what he's talking about, and often stutters trying to remember what he was saying

Then he starts to forget how to do kung fu, and all the valuable things he has learned as Dragon Warrior

Then he starts to forget everything that's led up to him being in the Jade Palace.. is that the name? He's losing his memories.

The hardest part, is not forgetting about himself (last stage), but forgetting the people around him. His friends and family, he can't place a name to them, and it's like, he knows, but doesn't have the knowledge of them.

The gang tries to help him remember, by reminding him of his signature moves, giving him his favorite foods, even having him let the day off and have him do the things he likes, but it's not working

Even when they remind him of who they are, and what he'd call them if he was, well, himself, Po doesn't know who the people talking to him are.

For example, Monkey would tell him, "Hey.. remember me? Monkey? Your best pal? We'd pull pranks on the others a lot..." and his heart sinks when Po just looks back at him, with confused and dull eyes, he doesn't remember.

This is even worse than if he had died during the fight. At least they don't have to watch him lose somebody they knew so we'll, become someone they don't know at all.

It's frustrating for Po himself too, because, in the early stages, he knew that he recognizes, but he just.. he just cant.

Depressed/Suicidal!Po

Po isn't too good at hiding his feelings, especially if he's really feeling it hard, so it's kind of a stick out to the others something is up with him.

If I ever said anything otherwise about that uhmm no I didn't (I'm glad I'm watching Legends of Awesomeness and eventually paws of destiny because I had seriously forgotten people's character...)

A lot of the signs that Po is showing of depression, Crane notices easily, since he's struggling a little with some mental problems as well

He isn't sure if he wants to confront him about it or not, because he's nervous Po might get mad at him for getting involved in his business, after some thought, he decides, it doesn't hurt to ask...

It's night time, and Crane goes to Po's room to ask what is up with him.

Po gives him a look, and he's like, ".......what are you talking about?" He's not unhappy that Crane asked, he's scared that somebody knows about it, like, uhm, what, he'd been hiding it quite well but it got through?

Crane freaks, dang it, should have known this would happen, he rapidly starts to apologize he's like "aaah I'm sorry I'll leave, I didn't mean to bother you, I won't tell anybody I promise I wont-"

Po sighs, shakes his head, he can trust Crane.. he lets him in his room, and takes a deep breath, and says to him, "Okay, I'll tell you, but promise you won't tell Shifu or the others...?" And Crane promises, he will keep it a secret.

So Po tells Crane how he's been feeling lately, and some of the stuff he says, hits Crane directly in the heart, because he knows exactly how he feels. This is not about him, however, this is about Po.

Crane tries his best to comfort Po, and give him advice, worried that he might have accidentally said something that would make Po feel even worse

Well, Po is just happy to have somebody listen to him, and he's glad that Crane is here to talk to him about it, and didn't ridicule him about it (which is why he was scared at first, he thought he would get made fun of)

He thanks Crane for his time, Crane lets him know, he's not alone in this, there's always someone to help.

If Po is feeling suicidal, he probably had cut himself a little, and it'll take more than some talk for Crane to help Po feel better, and some extra steps to let him know, he's not alone, and people care.

I don't ship Prane (tbh I'm not really that huge of a shipper anymore, ships are cool and all but I prefer individual character content) but for the people that do here's some stuff for you guys

Crane immediately notices something is wrong, and wants to talk to him, worried.

Po's thoughts mainly include, what if Crane doesn't actually love me, and he only dates me cuz he feels sorry for me, he's feeling rather insecure as well as depressed and suicidal.

He thinks that he's being a waste of Crane's time, he should go date somebody else that's actually worth it.

Crane emphasizes the fact, he loves him, and him only, pulls him into an embrace, maybe a kiss as well, he has nothing to worry about.

He loves him for the way he is, and there's nothing he needs to change about himself.

[twdsunshine]

My TWD opinions:

- the Leah thing was messed up. She's toxic and a bad person in general, given that she was a mercenary and when she was with the reapers they were mass murdering entire communities, including children. But what is even more messed up was that Daryl still asked her to go with him, just before she false accused him of murdering Pope. Bad writing imo and i dont see Daryl risking his family's safety for someone like her

- I have to agree with the other anon about Negan. Another case of bad writing. He could have had a redemption arc if it was written better. This just felt like they try to justify his actions with Here's Negan episode. And even when he kills Alpha, we know that he was doing it for himself, he didnt really seem to care about Alexandria. He left Maggie to die when they went on a run for supplies. And then he leaves and suddenly he's married and has some redemption speech with Maggie's son?? The trajectory of his redemption just dont seem right to me

- i truly cant like Carol. I get some of the things she did, like okay, i accept that, but then she also made so many bad shit, she hurt so many people and she just keeps making the same mistakes out of selfishness. I just dont get how so many people like her

- last one: i dont see connie x daryl happening at all. Connie is so cute and i love her and kinda wish it could happen but i dont see daryl treating her any different than he did to other people. All i see is carol's teasing which, again, dont know where it came from

Yeah, Daryl was desperately looking for the good in her, right up until she proved she really couldn't be trusted. It was definitely OOC for him. If I was writing it, I would say that maybe he was hoping she was just along for the ride with her family and hadn't actively killed any children, etc. herself, so he was offering her a way out. But I don't think that came across in the show. Just another example of it being too rushed.

Personally, I like Negan's redemption arc. I think it's quite... I dunno... real, maybe? Because he's walking this fine line between trying to prove himself and at the same time really wanting to survive. Old instincts die hard or something. Totally get where you're coming from with the new wife and stuff though... I'm reserving judgement until we see a little more, but it's just Daryl/Leah all over again really isn't it? Like, it has the potential to be a really good storyline but it's been so rushed that it just doesn't really make sense... We'll see how they handle it going forward.

Ha! Carol! I'm rewatching TWD at the moment, and I've just got to the bonus episodes of Season 10, where she's on the porch of Leah's cabin with Daryl going, 'I was right though,' about taking down the horde and stuff, and he loses it with her. And I was right with him! Lady needs to sort her shit out. The problem is she just has such a massive heart, and when it gets broken she completely loses her mind. I don't mind her... She gets a little frustrating sometimes, but generally she's okay. But she's not one of my faves, for sure, and there are times when I just want to scream at her to pull herself together.

Oh man, the many Daryl ships... It's a sensitive subject. If I was going to ship him with anybody, I feel like it might be Connie. I feel like they've done more to set that up than they have with anybody else. But I don't think it'll actually happen. Just like I'm not convinced that Caryl will be end game. I feel like they've written themselves into a corner which would make it really hard for Daryl to jump into a relationship with either one of them at this point. My worry is that they've built up his connection to Connie and then they'll kill her off, and that will be his reason for leaving the group again. And Carol will go with him because she likes to run away - we know that. Not sure. Interested to see how it plays out. I'm just super glad I'm not overly invested in any sort of romantic relationship for him because I feel like it would end in pain and disappointment!

Hmm... Another unpopular opinion from me... I'm not sure how unpopular this one really is, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to like Michonne again after she went off to find Rick. Leaving her kids. With no warning. In the middle of a war with the whisperers. I mean, what the hell? I know she loved him, but surely her kids should have come first? Y'know, the ones she knows are still definitely alive? After the whole flashback episode where we see her freaking out about nearly losing Judith when Jocelyn steals the children away, to the extent where she doesn't let people mix with the other communities or bring any newcomers into Alexandria anymore, for her to suddenly just be like, right, I'm off on a wild goose chase - try not to die while I'm gone! It just grates on me.

Send me your unpopular opinions and I'll tell you mine!

[add-the-account-yourcosmicguide]

5:27PM 09/15/2021

🌺🍃 So, I've been having mad anxiety; full blown panic attacks and everything 🙃😐and my depression 😒 it's bad, pretty bad. So bad that I spent this past week in bed every day all day and ight I'm in bed just sleepy, exhausted! 😴🛌💤

🌙🌾 🎃⚡🍂🍃🍁🌟🌻🌟🍁🍃🍂🍂🍃

Ever since New Moon

🌟I have been slacking big time !! !

🌺🍃Well, it's all started when I couldn't upload more than one photo at a time on Instagram and then I just quit Instagram altogether. Which I had been started up this Tumblr account and started a couple Tarot games on here and divination services🌙🔮🎉 but that hasn't been keeping me that happy either which it usually keeps me going and keeps me out of trouble and keeps me occupied and helps me to feel productive and like a normal citizen or whatever you want to call it I don't know what it makes me feel whole I guess I'm not really sure but it gives me the sense of being connected to the world. 🌎

🌺🍃 I've made quite a few pick a card Tarot readings; I mean for ME, that's actually, with everything I'm going through.

🌺🍃 I'm not able to really do Tarot full time because of my depression and due to health reasons my chronic illness. My cancer always gets in the way. I'm not going to say much on it because I don't want to put a damper on your day because I know how depressing cancer can be too everyone.❣🎗🧿🎱

🌺🍃 I've written a small piece of poetry ✨💕it's nothing to flex just a bullshit mood put on paper 😌 I call it Moody Confusion.

Poem: MOODY 😕CONFUSION

Written By: F.R.

❣🌻💙🧿❣🎗❣🧿💙🌻❣

MOODY BLUES IN MY BED

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Feel IT IN My CHEST

Heart DROPS

Beat Rocks

HE S LOST

CANT STOP THESE THOUGHTS

I COULDNT BELIEVE IT

I still Can't Believe It

RUN AWAY , BUT WERE RUNNING IN CIRCLES

WHERE TO RUN

WALK IT OFF

NOW IM IN BED

FUZZY DRAMA IN MY HEAD

LOSING MY GRIP

LETTIG THIS SLIP

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Moody Blues in my bed

MOODY CONFUSION GETS THE BEST

Of me

MOODY CONFUSION

LOST THE REST OF ME

🌺🍃 I did turn to divination as a method to help solve my little problem too; I did an Oracle Reading and I feel it's fairly accurate. 😅 I'm sort of relieved that I didn't pull out Oracle deck for nothing and cleanse it with brand new "Tangerine Cream" incents... they smell oh so Divine!! !

🌺🍃For my Oracle Reading I simply had one thing on my mind: my anxiety and depression 🙃🙂 I wanted to know why I feel this way and what can I do to fix it.

🌈Q::WHATS THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS?

A: Father Sky- Trust in the Unknown, Earth Element- Stability, Leadership

🌈Q: HOW CAN I GET OVER THIS ?

A: Libra- Balance, 12- Change, Look at the Bigger Picture

🌈Q: What magick should I concentrate on in my mystic craft? Spells I should work on now that woukd boost my self esteem and get me out of this depression and rid me of my anxiety ?

A: 7-Jupiter-Abundance, Middle World, Appreciation, Roots, Meditation Protected: You are safe and Supported While you Change Your Career.

🌺🍃⚡ So, I'm going to very very briefly summarize this up; in case I need to read this again later! This is a personal entry in my blog ... it will be listed under the tag #YourCosmicGuide #PersonalPost #CosmicGuideSays ( all one word except personal post ) . You will just have to bear with mg tagging system to look and search my blog for the posts you desire to see. Because I'm new to this experience here and I'm unsure of how to create links properly like I have seen many ppl use !? Anybody want to give me some guidance on this 🙏🙏???? I'd be ever so grateful.

⚡So let's discuss the above Oracle Cards that I pulled ..

🍀🍃So, basically I see that my anxiety and depression has a root cause and it's my lack of stability and there are issues with myself assuming leadership roles. This could stem from the fact that I do not have as close of a relationship with God/Creator/The Universe as much as I use to in the past ... I used to have a more balanced Spiritual life N I seemed to make time for more religious studies and communication with Spirit; just more of a connection to the other side , even my SpiritGuide, Elm . I've been slacking in my meditation and could use some empowering , uplifting , guided meditation tapes 🙏 I should also be manifesting abundance 🙌 I could do a Spell for abundance even add in prosperity since I just happen to have orange peels 🍊🟧📙 and I've been making my digital grimoire ! Oh yes there's a reason I've been depressed! Because I lost it my hard copy Grimoire or someone stole it. Then someone stole my old tablet my Samsung galaxy tab A , this new ones an A7 . it's not as good.

🎃🌾🌙 I should take my picture of my white pumpkin from the grocery store. I'm impressed with it. I'm shocked that me and Kyle picked the same one out too !!

🌟🍂 I did edit this just a bit . Hope yall enjoy 😉 it. I work hard!!? Actually yah I do. Really it probly takes me on average so much longer than ost ppl doing just a regular upload like this .. and I'm still not done explaining my reading but I'm sure you get the jyst of it.its pretty self explanatory.

🌺🍃So I'm hearing from this reading that I need to gain courage in order to move on and basically I need to communicate with Spirit and the universe my higher self and also God completely need to let go of my need to control things and let go and let God. I need to give off these ideas of perfection and I need to just move on the best I can with what I have left because I will have nothing at all if I don't just pick up here and at least pick up the pieces and move on. There's not much more I can do other than that so I'm going to have a lot of healing to go from here. I'm going to have to do a lot of self-care work and I'll have to put a note to self that I'm going to be doing more Shadow work also so that's October coming and working on working with spirit channeling guidance from the other side.

[ambivalent-anarchy]

The Spidey Squad Playing Among Us

Masterlist

Welp, this game is all the rave all of a sudden and irdk how since the game's pretty much been here forever lol but it's still fun so I had to jump on the bandwagon and here we are! Make sure you check go out @chaoticpete's new fic. Anyways here it is! If this gets enough likes I might do an avengers headcanon too.

Thanks to @angelsparkers for helping me realize I wasn't writing complete garbage and helping me to get through it even though she didn't even know she was doing that. So yeah thanks for that.

Peter

Crewmate: Peter is that crewmate that will 100% call you out on your bs, because he knows the game a little too well for you to be able to pull anything over him(because of all that free time waiting on patrol). You think all that stuff with the avengers didn't teach him strategy? Ha! This guy is PEAK detective. Gets his tasks done fast and when he's done is probably spending his time monitoring people on security or vitals. It only took him like 2 weeks to memorize all the maps and where everything is, so if you say you were in navigation, you better believe he's gonna ask you what task you were doing there. And if you don't answer to his liking, Peter will sound the "sus" alarm on you in two point five seconds and have everyone voting you out. He's probably the only person that could figure out MJ when she's the impostor. So if you're the impostor, watch your words and make sure your alibis are strong cuz little Petey ain't playin' no games. Definitely gets attacked from time to time by those people that are always like "sMaRt PpL rUiN tHe GaMe"

Impostor: He's pretty much the most average impostor. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say when people call him sus and he'll get voted out because he's being "too quiet" or because Ned keeps defending him. He'll mess up every now and then but for the most part, he's pretty decent. His style is usually to stay in the vents most of the game and kill when only one person's around. He probably bribes Ned to not rat him out by promising him that he won't kill him.

Name: It used to be just Peter, but soon he wanted an actual cool name so he chose Sherlock because of all the times when he was "too smart" and won the game too quickly and people would go "pack it up Sherlock" and vote him out.

Favorite color to be: It used to be red, but he quickly found that the more he was red the more people found him "sus" so now he's usually either blue or cyan

Ned

Crewmate: Pretty average crewmate. 80% of the time is covering for Peter, even if Peter is the impostor. Won't do much calling people out unless he's absolutely sure that he saw a kill or vent. Pretty chill and easily persuadable. You'd definitely want him on your team. If he ever gets wrongfully ejected he's the one that pitifully tries to plead his case saying stuff like "what???" and "guys it's not me!!!!" which doesn't really convince anyone and just makes him look more guilty. He'll still do his tasks after though.

Impostor: He's the impostor that doesn't want to be the impostor. If you're texting then maybe he can hold his own, but if you're doing voice chats, there's no way this guy is getting past ANYONE. He has so many tells that it's ridiculous. Is actually scared to vent too much because he's always paranoid that someone's gonna be right there when he jumps out. 8/10 the crewmates win when he's the imposter because he'll just kill like only two people the entire time or gets caught really early on.

Name: Probably some sci-fi reference like r2d2 or Potter

Favorite color to be: Yellow or white because he says those are the most "innocent" colors and he'll be less likely to get voted if he's those (not true but we'll let him believe it)

MJ

Crewmate: Suspicion times 100. Her motto: trust no one. Will get you kicked out in a heartbeat with a quick "trust me. if it's not them vote me next." An absolute unit but will never be caught getting emotional over a game. If she's ever wrongfully ejected her last words will be "whatever. go ahead. vote me and lose." She'll just come back in the next game with a vengeance and false accusations ready, not caring if the entire team loses because of it. She's especially dangerous to have because people usually trust her word. She always finds a way to seem the least suspicious. Though sometimes she'll get suspected because of her quiet nature. There's always that one guy that's ready to go "uR qUiEt ThAt'S sUs!!"

Impostor: If MJ is the impostor, you can just throw your whole phone away. You're not winning that game. Like, ever. She will do whatever it takes to win, even sell out her own her partner. On the off chance that you catch her being suspicious, she'll sabotage a bunch of things so that you can't call meetings and then she'll kill you when no one's around. She is ruthless and will hurt your feelings with the way that she will own everyone in the game. Hardly anyone ever expects her. Thrives on venting. You won't see her you'll just be doing a task and suddenly you'll be dead.

Name: Used to be just MJ but she got annoyed with all the people in the messages who always assumed she meant Michael Jackson or Michael Jordan so she changed it to Michelle

Favorite color to be: She literally doesn't care either way. Won't change the gameplay so why bother? Whatever color she ends up with she'll be fine.

Betty

Crewmate & Impostor: The most average player of them all. She wins some, she loses some. Nice partner to have though, because she'll never give you away. Probably the first to die most times. If she ever gets wrongfully ejected she's the one that uses her last words to say who she thinks it and doesn't even try to plead her case once it starts to look bad for her. She just finished the rest of her tasks.

Name: Probably either her name or some nickname or inside joke. Idk she just seems like the type of person to have a reference to something that absolutely nobody knows

Favorite color to be: Pink. Just because she likes pink.

Flash

Crewmate: Claims things are sus even if they aren't. Will totally be biased based on names. Anybody who knows him will never count him as a credible source. Gets voted out quickly alot because of how annoying he is in the game.

Impostor: He's the easiest to figure out. He's the impostor that obnoxiously accuses literally everyone else. And in all capital letters too. "ITS RED I STG. IF IT'S NOT HIM VOTE ME NEXT!" Calls everyone sus and always claims he's seen people running from the body. He usually self-reports and goes for the easy marks in electrical. He's not that good (even though he thinks he is) and it takes anyone with a brain to figure him out. Peter and MJ are bane of his existence in that game. If he gets wrongfully ejected he'll rage and probably leave the game like the little crybaby he is.

Name: Spideys#1 because he's really just THAT obsessed. Or when he's really feeling "teenage boy" he'll be cOchieman

Favorite color to be: Red because sPiDeRmAn'S hIs BeSt FrIeNd (ahahaha if only he knew)

May

She didn't know this game at all until Peter introduced her to it one day because he was bored. She LOVED it. He had to pry it out of her hands after she kept repeating "Hold on, one more!" So she downloaded on her phone and now she plays it whenever she's bored.

Crewmate: Average. Same as Betty.

Impostor: The way May can actually dominate being the impostor is sort of scary. And she'd always be the last person you'd expect because she just has that trusting vibe about her. Sometimes she'll mess up and give herself away, but for the most part, she's pretty good. Doesn't vent much. Just like Ned, she doesn't trust it.

Name: Madonna

Favorite color to be: She doesn't care much but she prefers to be purple, cyan, or orange

Funny Moment

《Peter calls an emergency meeting 10 seconds into the game》

- Michelle: what

- Betty: what

- Michelle: skip

- r2d2: bro already?

- Sherlock: okay everyone just listen

- k0chieman: bruh

- Michelle: okay listen to what

- Sherlock: flash what task are you doing

- Betty: alright were listening

- k0chieman: the divert thingy in navi

- r2d2: pete what is this

- Sherlock: yeah dude that diverty thingy is the second of two steps

- Sherlock: u never did the first

- Sherlock: which means ur an impostor faking

- Michelle: flash?

- k0chieman: no

- k0chieman: i did do it

- r2d2: the times low we gotta decide guys

- Sherlock: if you did it wouldve taken you 12-15 seconds to get there and were not that far in the game

- Sherlock: u cant already be doing it

- Sherlock: everybody vote flash

- r2d2: petes on x games mode

- Michelle: damn dude

- k0chieman: wtf parker

- Sherlock: bye dude

- Sherlock: worlds greatest detective strikes again

- Michelle: okay calm down pete

《couple seconds later》

. 　　　。　　　　•　 　ﾟ　　。 　　.

　　　.　　　 　　.　　　　　。　　 。　. 　

.　　 。　　　　　 ඞ 。 . 　　 • 　　　　•

　　ﾟ　　 Flash was An Impostor.　 。　.

　　'　　　 1 Impostor remains 　 　　。

　　ﾟ　　　.　　　. ,　　　　.　 .

Best Imposter Combos

Peter & Ned: Goes without saying. Nine times out of ten they're in the same room while playing this so they can just talk strategy to each other and take everyone out really quickly. Really annoying for everybody else, but they'll win so they're happy.

MJ & Peter: These two together are a force to be reckoned with. The second they see that they're both impostors they call each other up and get to business like they're on a mission. This stuff is serious. (More for Peter than MJ. She has to keep telling him that it's just a game.) He stays on security stuff, telling her when it's safe, and she racks up the kills. When things get heavy, they sabotage and then go on a spree. These two hardly ever lose. (When the whole squad is together whoever's in charge [if it's not Pete or MJ] usually puts the kill cooldown at max just in case these two get that they can't be at full power)

MJ & Betty: Betty isn't afraid to sacrifice herself so that they'll win and MJ is ruthless and quick with her kills. Both have the smarts to be able to be extremely persuasive and you'd hate for them to pick you to frame. Because being put against those two in the chatroom will lead you nowhere but abyss of space.

May & Peter: Parkers united. 'Nough said.

Tagging: @spideyyeet, @soft-petey, @spidey-reids-2003, @spidey-boy-89, @sovereignparker, @bubblebucky, @underoosjae

[chateautae]

Hi sammy

Sammy you are my most most favourite author here. I love your fics. I loved "maybe i do" and still waiting for next chapter 😘😗

I dont know how you will perceive it, but there are some parts of your ffs which are uhm.. somewhat problematic.

Ya ya i know it may sound wierd , and i dont want to be rude here. As i said you are my favourite , so like why would i upset someone who is my favourite you know 😗

Okay so before i start , i really want to appreciate your fics. I loved how you wrote mid yn's character , she is fierce in her opinion and doesnt take any bullshit. I also loved how you wrote mid taehyung's character he is loving and caring, a bit rude but knows his boundaries.

Which is great

But you know there are some parts

Like when there were two random girls in the washroom who bullied yn because she married taehyung(??)

I know it is your story and you have every right to portray your characters anyway you want .

But why is it always gonna be a woman , who are insecure of each other.

Cant we be supportive ? Cant we be acceptable?

Just like the girl that barged in taehyung's cabin and yn felt insecure (??)

As if women just want to show down each other.

But we both know this , that how women generally are the most supportive people we have ever met. They cheer us, motivate us . They aren't like how the mainstream cinema portrays them , they are much more.

They are not just someone's love interest they have a character , like yn she has a character of her own , she is written with so much depth.

It is also beautiful to see how her character developed into a more secure lady.

Also a special mention to Hana. She is my favourite , i love how she is so chaotic but is always there for her best friend.

Like she will beat up anybody who tries to trouble yn.

I am not telling you to what should you write and what should you not. They are your characters you can portray them in anyway you want , but the point here is can we like acknowledge woman for being supportive rather than some people who dont know what they want and their only goal is to get into a rich man's pants.

Okay - that was a bit rude.

Sorry i didnt meant to be rude. But I will still stand to my point . I love your fic and will continue reading them. Your work is amazing and you know it 🌝

Common you do know that you are brilliant.

The only thing is that how you show that the goal of most female characters other than yn is to get in mid tae's pants.

And you may think , it is not a big deal. But it is , it shows that how us women see each other , do we see each other as gold digger no hell not. Never.

Right?

Then why shows these type of women and degrade them to some sort of gold digger?

I hope you will see into this.

Also your fic is so much better when we compare to the other fucs here on tumblr ,where the character of yn is so hollow and someone who just cant survive without the support of a man and like how other women just try to make her life hell :(

Trust me your fic is a ray of hope:)

Again i am sorry if it came Out as rude. But i wanted to tell you this like from a month but didnt had the courage. But then your blog is an actual safe place so finally i am writing it to you ☺️

First off, I would like to make clear to this anon that when I meant this blog is a safe space, it's a safe space first and foremost for me, not just anyone in random, and sending an ask like this quite invalidates the idea of a safe space. Though I'm answering this ask to clear things up, so please feel free to scroll past it if it bothers you, everyone knows I hate drama on my blog.

My answers to this ask will be a) female characters also include people like namjoon and seokjin's wives, hana, his mother, y/n's mother and even the mention of tae's grandmother, I do not recall them wanting to get into Tae's pants, and I have only mentioned 3 actual women from Tae's past.

b) I usually don't entertain asks like this, but I found it quite ironic how you verbally "do not intend to be rude" and yet, you go on to be rude.

c) You have only mentioned 3 female characters, and none of those women actually verbally mention that they loved Tae for his riches. If you read the story carefully, any assumptions of that kind are all in Y/N's head.

d) Taehyung only ever mentions that he's a bit used to being asked for things after sex, which makes complete sense since he's a handsome, young, and rich CEO. I get your concerns about how women are "portrayed by me" in this story, but I don't think you're considering that this is a high-class au, it's meant to portray the world of rich people, where it's very common for NOT JUST WOMEN, but men to also use people as well. I very much mention Y/N's father being pushed around and used for having a start-up until he finally made a name for himself. I'm unsure if you remember Alex and Kiseok, her ex in the story, but they're also portrayed as men trying to essentially "get in the pants" of a high-class woman, Y/N.

I really did not appreciate the lecture about how women should be portrayed, because trust me, I get it. Of course, I fucking love women and stand for them standing with each other, fuck dudes man. But to think that is the case all the time is also a fatal mistake, people IN GENERAL suck. I've had plenty of negative experiences that have come from women, and I know myself that they're not all the sunshine and rainbows, all people aren't. I see your criticism and I understand it, though I think it needs to be understood it's simply the nature of this au, not how I see women in general.

People, IN GENERAL, use people for money, it's something unfortunately common, and in this story it's only mentioned to capture the scene of the au. If you hold on until chapter 13, you'll very much see that I've portrayed BOTH men and women to be quite awful, gold-digging people.

[seijorhi]

asks :))

a bunch of fic asks below the cut <3

Hi Rhi! I just read the usual suspects and ITS AMAZING. I was legit so immersed 😭 it’s so good, I couldn’t put it down. It was intense. I could feel Daichi’s stress and with every bits and pieces of info that was being revealed, AHHH had me shooketh. I adore your writing so much 😭💕 ahhh hats off to you!! And me being a Makki lover, I legit gasped when I read the past part!!

-nette 💕@mulberrysilk

ahhh thank you so much, bby!!! tbh i couldn’t resist throwing makki in there, once i had the idea for how i wanted to end it there was no going back and i love deceptively soft makki 

THAT RECENT FIC WAS SO GOOD. I didn’t realize it was refreshing to read a yandere story but from a different point of view. It was so good, the suspense, the crippling fear. May I ask, is this connected to one of ur fics? And would there be a part 2 to see what would happened next? Thank u so much for blessing us with your talent!

thank you! but no, this one is entirely separate from any of my other fics, as for a part two ??? who knows :))

that fic was sooo good. the writing kept me on a edge fr. daichis desperation to solve the case was portrayed so well. AND I DIDNT EXPECT MAKKI TO POP IN AT ALL

well you see the trouble is i am a complete whore for seijoh and makki in particular so?? i had no choice haha

I’m in shock. How does your writing just keep getting better and better and better holy shit

thank you, bby!!! <33

Rhiiiii!!!! Your writing is always so amazing, the newest Oikawa and Iwa fic was so good!!! And the plot twist of goddamn Makki holding you captive until the boys walk out without Daichi finding a lead was so smart!! Just a quick question about your commissions, are you willing to do something with Kawababy and Stockholm syndrome? It’s okay if you don’t, much love 🥺💞

hiya bby! so first of all thank you!! I’m really glad you liked it! as far as commissions go they’re closed atm but i wouldn’t be against writing something like that when/if they open up again :))

lawyer oikawa?? babe, you SPOIL us 😭

ain’t it hot tho? imagine him in a courtroom just wiping the floor with the opposition, it’s sexy

I love these 2 lines - “Have you found my girlfriend yet, Detective?" and “Of course I knew, but you misunderstand, Sergeant. She was never going to leave me.”

Just worded so well. hints that poor mc hasn't gone anywhere!

i was low key proud of those lines, subtle, but they were there from the start hehe

Your latest fic omg you’ve done it again 🥵🙏 I love the mystery AU, you really had the reader guessing and constantly thinking about what happened! I have to ask though...was this all just Makki acting out on his own and using the situation to his advantage or did Iwaizumi and Oikawa (maybe just oikawa LOL)get Makki to do this?

haha, as much as i love the idea of makki being a rogue agent, he really was just helping out two of his pals :)) such a good friend :))

Gaddamn. The preview you posted really made me think that Daichi is the bad guy.

ok ngl i had a few people send asks and stuff believing that iwa was innocent/being wrongfully accused and it was absolutely hilarious. like no, this time he’s an absolute piece of shit and for once, daichi wasn’t a bastard cop 

The usual suspects was so good! It read so much like a crime novel! For some reason I was suspecting daichi the whole time. I was convinced reader came to him in fear and he just kidnapped her for himself and was now trying to frame Iwa and Oiks.

love this theory, bastard cop daichi would’ve been a fun twist, but he was actually trying :(( i also love how none of you trust anybody in my fics anymore, it’s amazing

Omg. unusual suspects was just 👌👌👌imma just pray that daichi found something to lock those two up cuz god I'm scared - @yandere-writes​

i mean :)) if that’s what makes you happy :)) skhbrndjshfghjdks but thank you, bby!

oh. oh, this is one of the fics where i feel sorry for the reader. trapped between an obsessive, controlling ex and her creepy boss at work- she never had a chance, did she? and i cant help thinking that she fell into the the same mindset as daichi- that iwazumi just cant handle his ego being bruised, that oikawa just wants her for sex. she has no idea how obsessed they are with her, and thats her downfall. and theres daichi (who i loved in this fic), but i dont think he can find anything

and makki! i did not see makki coming. how did he get roped into this? is the reader being held at his house, at least temporarily? does he, at least, feel any guilt? sorry if im being annoying, but i loved this fic so much and i have so many questions.

it would’ve been hard enough to escape just one of them; the two together and poor reader never had a chance :(( as far as makki goes he’s an absolute piece of shit too. he genuinely likes the reader - out of all of iwa’s friends he was probably the one she got along best with, but makki’s morally grey at the very best, and he’d do anything for his friends. does he feel guilty? not really, after all she’s better off with the two of them anyway.

rhiii can i ask youu? do you ever write or maybe want to write reverse yandere fic?👀

hiya bby, thanks for the ask but reverse yandere fics just really aren’t my jam :(( sorry!!

[mageicalwishes]

Read on AO3: Here

Rating: Teen And Up

Summary: My interpretation of "I was a 15-year-old closet case whose parents pretended they didn’t notice when the family dog disappeared".

"A shallow grave. So much less than she deserves. But … I can’t breathe. I can’t even think. I’m running on autopilot and adrenaline alone. Everything is just - I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I got here. I'm losing control. I can't - I can't even look at her. She's still wrapped in my sheets. I can see her bleeding. I still want it. I still want more.

Carry On Countdown, Day 7 - Animal @carryon-countdown​

Key Info: Inspired by this artwork by one of my fave artists on here @cynopoe​

TW: Slight Emetophobia Warning!! (Non Graphic. Final line of first paragraph, feel free to skip if you're concerned!) & Hemophobia Warning!! (This is a very Vampire-heavy fic, so unfortunately there is frequent mention of blood). I have both these phobias (Lol RIP me) and faint when I see them IRL, but this was fine for me to write so I don't think it should be anything too major. However, everyone's phobias are different so I wanted to give a heads up. Please be aware of these warnings before reading, and feel free to skip over this if it's not for you!

Tags: Heavy Angst, Angst, Biting, Blood Drinking, Mild Blood, Pain, Mordelia Trying To Be A Nice Sister, Baz’s Dog, BASICALLY I’M REALLY SORRY FOR THIS IDK WHAT DEMON MADE ME WRITE THIS, Big Sad,  Carry On Countdown 2020 Day 7

Words: 1,116

Baz

A shallow grave. So much less than she deserves. But … I can’t breathe. I can’t even think. I’m running on autopilot and adrenaline alone. Everything is just - I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I got here. I'm losing control. I can't - I can't even look at her. She's still wrapped in my sheets. I can see her bleeding. I still want it. I still want more. My hands - I’m trying to dig but they won’t stop shaking. My stomach is churning, sick with the guilt, I have to - I stop and heave once more, the remnants of my crime splattering grimly on the dampened soil. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt her.

 The Change had started a week or so after I returned home from Watford. At first, it was nothing more than a minor irritant - A stinging in the sun, a bone-deep chill. But … it worsened. 

First, came the dryness of my throat. That unceasing thirst no amount of water could quench. And then, came the mind-clouding obsession. My every thought consumed by blood. The steady slog of it through my family’s vessels so distracting that I couldn’t so much as look at them - The people that I loved - without that incessant need to take. Their blood. Their life. Their everything. 

It wasn’t me, not really, but I couldn’t stop it - Couldn’t fight it. Frozen, weak and powerless, my humanity withering away before me as the monster took it’s hold. I didn’t know what to do - Didn’t know who to go to - and so … I hid. 

I thought that if I locked myself away and waited for the initial thirst to subside, that everyone would be safe. That I’d make it through without hurting anybody - Without losing myself. 

I didn’t know much about Vampirism, but I’d been assured that the effects were at their worst on initial onset. If I endured, it would become more manageable. If I bared it, I could live with it. I’d pinned all of my hopes on that promise, but it had let me down. 

Father had a key to my door - An emergency plan. If I needed it, he could lock me in. But I didn’t, I had it under control. I thought that I was alright. That I could make it. No matter how hazy or desperate I became, how thirsty I was, they were safe. Everyone was safe. And then … Mordelia tried to be kind. 

She couldn’t have realised what she was doing. She didn’t know (None of the children did). She just didn’t want me to be lonely anymore. And so … she let Dotty in. 

I tried to get her away from me, tried to get her out of my room. But she thought I was playing, so she just kept running and jumping up at me, tennis ball held happily in her mouth. She was so warm, and I was so weak. All I could see, and think, and feel, and hear was her - Every breath she took, every maddening thump of her heart. I couldn’t escape it. I’d craved it for so long, and here it was, trapped in a room with me. I didn’t - I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t know what happened. One second I was shoving her away from me, and the next, I’d done it. I’d bitten her. 

I’ll never be able to escape the echo of her cries. How she whimpered beneath me, high pitched and betrayed. The fragment of me that remained, screaming, begging it to stop, to just let her go, overpowered by the darkness. By the need.  

I couldn’t let go. I just kept biting and biting and biting, pushing my jaw harder against her flesh. Blood suffocating me with every move, tacky under my nails and dripping from the lengths of my hair. I didn’t even care. I couldn’t care. Finally … I was satiated. 

And so … Here I am. Slathered in mud and crimson, desperately trying to bury my beloved dog in the shallow pit I’ve scraped out of the ground. Trying to forget it. Trying to pretend that this is some sick, perverted nightmare - That I’ll wake up and be me again. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, not whoever did this. Not whatever did this. I cant - I won’t - I don’t …

------------------------------

When I make it back to the house, the sun is hanging fire in the sky. 

I don’t know how long it has been since I took her - 4 hours? 5? How many moments have I had to bear it so far? My mind is clearer now, but I’m still lost. It wasn’t me, it was … I don’t know. 

Daphne screams when she sees me, and Father comes racing down the stairs in a panic. I didn’t think about them being awake. I should’ve just waited. I should’ve just stayed hidden. I should’ve just stayed gone. But it’s too late now. He’s pushing her behind his body, shielding her with his presence. Protecting her from me. I can see the realisation dawn on his face as he takes me in - My unmistakably bloodied figure, her yellow-spotted collar still clutched in my muddied hands. Disgust. That’s what I see. Pure, unrelenting disgust at what I’ve done - What I’ve become. 

“Mother, Father, I didn’t - I didn’t mean to. Please, you have to believe me," I’m sobbing, chest rattling as I try to explain - Try to somehow absolve myself of their justified hatred. It’s sick. A truly disturbed little performance. But, they have to know. They mustn't think … “I wouldn’t hurt you - I wouldn’t hurt anybody - Anything. It was an accident. I tried to undo it. I tried to heal her, but my magic wouldn’t come, I was too … I didn’t have enough in me. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t-” 

With a lift of his hand, he silences me. “Go and clean yourself up, Basilton,” he says, voice flat and hollow. “We’ll deal with this later.” 

We won’t talk about it, I know. We’ll act like it never happened. But it did. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on pretending anymore. 

 Later, as I was scrubbing the shame from my body - Watching the whole diabolic night swirl down the plug, as I scoured my tainted skin raw. The reek of Copper and Dirt, poorly masked with lashings of Cedar and Bergamot - I heard the unmistakable locking of my door. A vicious creature finally confined to it’s cell. That final, damning confirmation. My own family - Scared of me. They can’t even trust me not to hurt them anymore (And neither can I). Not like this. Not with what I’ve become. One of them. Crowley, Mother would be so disappointed in me. 

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 10, 2019 // the seancé

watched this while drinking and working my second job after my full time job (hence the drinking) when my supe called to tell me i didnt do enough work for them and could i start doing more because being tired after working an 8 hour day was just. unacceptable. (while i'm drinking during this ENTIRE call) anyway 🍸 i use nance/nancy interchangeably like luce/lucy

-"denial: smalltown USA's favorite pastime" 👌🏻👀

-the begrudging kiss + george w the coffee = lmfaooooooo awkss nance

-wonder who this FBI agent friend of owen's is since they never get to meet 😕

-"we just opened!" / "work ethic" how nancy views the claw/work is manifested in her constant lateness and skipping out. like she says "i never thought i'd be wearing this" its clear she has some of that upper middle class/white suburban bias against restaurant working that only becomes okay in the pretext of saving up for college. this is made ironic by ryan who jokes in s2 about having no money and working at a coffee shop, sharing nancy's opinion. also ironic is how a group of her coworkers "not my friends" at this same place she puts little appreciation into turn out to be her biggest support group

-carson & family dinners: seeing john sanders' texts w nancy and trying to keep up with what shes doing / makes you wonder how ryan would approach as a dad. judging by s2 he's less subtle than carson but possibly more effective for it (i have so many nancy&ryanthoughts but i'll wait till the reveal ep)

-steaks lmaooooooo what a white suburban dad thing to say

-"we are on the same side" / "why does it feel like we're on different teams" : laura/ace and nancy/nick mirrors (almost like some kinda men vs women showdown but these women do NOT trust these men...)

-why is the precinct "the least haunted building in horseshoe bay"? does lucy not haunt the police bc she knew karen was trying to get revenge/"justice" for her? or bc she doesnt want to haunt karen at all? and what of other ghosts? a police station seems like prime ghost material for officers of unsolved cases. is it chief mcginnis with his link to the supernatural keeping everything under control? if so, what happens when he leaves and tamura shows up? (based on the dress ep i cant remember if hes woke to the supernatural or not)

-"you would need an object lucy touched the night she died" nancy like -->😌it me

-okay. anybody who hugged lucy would HAVE to know she was pregnant?? like wtf

-LAURAAAA lmfaoooo

-UNPOPULAR OPINION: laura/nick - hatefuck - hes strong enough to top her with words AND hands - bringing out something tougher created by prison (like it rough/lose control) nick is presented to be so kind and almost always on top of his emotions but laura is def a canvas that can take a few hits. i can definitely see her being attracted to how much he doesnt really like her and wants to stop her from always getting her way. her pretentious ass motormouth is practically begging you to grab her by the arms and shake her to shut her up (and she would be begging you to shut her up too)(ik s2 nick/race talks/his mom ep would never ever do this to anyone but its a choice "what if" to me)

-this casting for teen candace to adult is on point

-so two days after lucy's death they pay him 50 grand from a shell company? he says it's for services rendered but then for what services? does everett know or suspect that the drews took lucys baby and pay them for taking care of an impertinence, including lucy, not really caring what really happened to her as long as shes no longer a threat to him? honestly could see a cover up. nance only does the reveal in her balmain tazer glory and we dont really get an honest reaction out of him iirc (the new actor they switched to shows wayyyyy less emotion than s1 guy) and he could easily fake surprise. obvs celia doesnt know bc s2 but whos surprised at that. i wonder what tipped her off that nancy could be ryans baby and prompted her to test. hmm. and payroll vs shell account. why would it have been paid differently. sus. 🤔🤔

-the irony of nancy picking at nick's story at the inn for karens deal + nancy straight up ignoring nicks proof w this transfer... like ep 1 "i'll tell you about my past if you tell me about yours" except...no, actually. "i'm just trying to solve this / it feels more like you're trying to solve me" its so true. and nancy really badgered nick into telling about his conviction but it was kinda payback for showing up at the claw and making her admit their "relationship" -like when george says "you need to be just as relentless", it was equal but nasty. like. nick never asked george for details about ryan that way. he even admits he doesnt wanna push her to ace after learning what not to do with nancy.

-this seance has nick so irritated w nancy lmfaooooo

-"half sister" so josh and patrices' last name is dodd- his grandpa must be a dodd also for the name of the shop. wonder why lucy's last name is sable, and where her dad is, and where josh's dad is as well- there's no mention of dads or stepdads anywhere for these two

-mcginnis knows theyre innocent / "work together" he knows they arent really suspects but he just wants to fuck with nancy. could be playful or just nancy's naivete. maybe he actually kinda missed her fucking around in his work and is trying to make up for the lost time when she withdrew from mysteries d/t her depression after kate

-nancy + knowing everybody else's secrets - nick's conviction, bess's family, george's affair, ace's deal w mcginnis and confronts them all in turn like nick and the secret phone, george from the meeting in the woods, bess from the passport/ring and acs's phone calls (they all somehow end up knowing all each other's secrets after a bit anyway)

-fuckin love Ted 😌🙏🏻💙

-when lucy grabs nancys hand i was just like "MOM!"

-if nancy had asked lucy if carson did it, she would have been spared the trial 👀🙃

-"even if you did, nothing was gonna stop you" true truuuuueeeee like. nick needs to be needed. nancy doesnt need him starting in episode 1. nick thinks that sex = relationship but nancy never saw it that way until she realized thats what nick wanted her to admit. "i wanna be with you / im trying" she is literally forcing herself to try and date him normally when thats honestly never what she wanted. and its nicks own fault here bc she never even wanted to be "official" but he forced that out of her too in front of coworkers no less. he set himself up to be disappointed

and lastly

-so carson stole the evidence, but what did he do with it? burn it like the dress?

[insert-some-nice-emo-pun]

hi people, so i know everybody is tired of drama and honestly i am as well, but i wanted to just make this post in case someone has no idea whats going on with people hating on gerard and others defending him, ive seen so many misinformation going around that i just wanted to clear a few things up if youre interested

so basically a guy named scott allie has been fired from dark horse comics for sexually assaulting his coworker, shawna gore. dark horse made a statement saying they believe her, etc. (screenshot at the end of the post)

(also some allegations been going around for a few years)

now what gerard has to do with this?

he works with dark horse comics, for example with 'umbrella academy', so hes basically scott's coworker, they worked together on some comics in the past and g follows him on ig

the whole drama started on twitter (what a suprise)

i totally understand why it would be a good thing if g spoke out about the whole thing, showed his support for the victim or at least unfollowed the guy, i understand why people might feel a bit disappointed BUT

first of all, we all know g only uses ig and he doesnt spend a lot of time there, he posts like once a week/two weeks. he doesnt like a lot of others people posts and stuff, he just doesnt seem to spend a lot of time online. and he follows more than 600 people. dont tell me that youve never been scrolling through your timeline and suddenly noticed someones post and you where like 'wtf i follow them???'. he might not even realize hes following him. like ofc i think id be a good thing if g unfollowed the guy but judging a 43yo guy who barely uses social media for following him isnt quite fair. also i really doubt that the first thing he would do after finding out his coworker is a predator is unfollowing him, he probably deals with this in his own way

now some people think he should make some statement-cutting ties with scott, supporting shawna, whatever. and i agree that it would be a great thing to do BUT

he might not be allowed to talk about it due to his contract with dark horse. he might not want to draw the attention on himself and speak over the victim. he might want to write something but still finding words to say it. he might be dealing with something serious in his personal life right now. we literally have no idea about his life and once again i get why you think he should say something, but im sure he has a reason not to

please dont say they are close friends, because we dont know anything about it. yes, they worked on some comics together but scott is an editor. you cant always choose an editor youre working with, its almost always choice of someone from the above that you cant change. the only pictures of them together we have are from more than ten years ago, so it really seems they werent close. but if they were, it might be even harder for g to process. the thing is we know nothing about his relations with anybody from dark horse at all, so we really shouldnt speculate on things like if g knew about the abuse and stuff like that, because we know nothing

i know that as fans we dont have to always agree with what our idols do, we have a right to critisize them, but what we should do is at least trust gerard. guys, come on, he never did anything to let us down! think about all the things hes done over the years, its not fair to hate on him because hes staying silent this time, i seriously believe he has his reasons

he used to speak out more in the past, but he was overall more active on social media. he doesnt use twitter anymore, probably because of all the toxicity on there and honestly he always spoke out more during concerts and interviews and now the situation is completely different. maybe using social media less is good for his mental health? idk, but please dont be too quick to judge him

dark horse technically spoke out for the whole company, including all coworkers and we seriuosly dont know about anything that happens behind closed doors. making this situation about g is pointless, if someone really really close to him got accused of something like this (like, idk, gabriel ba or someone) then itd be different, but its really possible that gee and scott were only coworkers and this whole situation has nothing to do with g.

saying that hes not the same person, he became what he hated or that hes just another rich white man is really hurtfull and i cant believe you can call yourself a fan after saying something like this. i understand being disappointed, but hating is never alright, same thing with commenting on his posts and telling him to say something or just hating on him.

and also, remember what happened the last time he spoke out about something? people were saying he didnt say enough, 'open your purse', not believeing he donated. you cant ask him to speak out and then when he does say hes doing it wrong!

so yes, my opinion is basically that while i understand being disappointed, i believe its totally okay for g not to say anything because im sure he has his reasons and this situation doesnt have anything at all to do with him and its not okay to harrass him or attack people defending him

i hope there wont be any more drama here, and take care of yourself everybody!

[gwoongi]

𝗆𝗈𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 ☽ jeongguk

𝗆𝗈𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 jeon jeongguk / reader genre: boyfriend/band-geek au, fluff words: 3455

I never knew you could hold moonlight in your hands.

a/n: i luv this song and this is soft. also i rlly cant stop writing guk fics so i guess im a guk fic writer now

warnings: fluff, clichés i love, it’s like glee if u squint and think about it hard enough, fresh new awkward relationships, raise ur hand if you’ve watched whip it (san marcos high school, i know nothing about you besides the fact i wrote this story listening to caricakes on youtube talking about how she went to this school)

Falling in love was a scary thing.

With people, that means. There was something about love when attached to another person that was unbelievably unnerving, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that your parents were divorced and at least one person in your family had been cheated on, thank you very much! The pressure of ultimate commitment and trust was something you just couldn’t wrap your head around; what if you gave all of that love to somebody who’d throw it all away overnight?

When people told you that you only thought that way because you were young, barely fourteen and watching your friends get into those week-long romantic relationships over fruit loops and milk cartons at break time, you insisted that no, you knew best. You knew what love was like. Love was the way your parents had fought most of your childhood, screamed, cussed, broke some things. Love was finding out the person you gave everything to suddenly didn’t want it anymore.

Eventually, you grew up and realised that life was better and happier now that your mother had moved across the country with somebody else, and your Dad was finding love in his new job and learning how to play the guitar. Life was no longer a slash horror film, but instead the colourful opening of a Disney movie, the birds singing- and hey, maybe love wasn’t so bad. Love wasn’t just what you experienced with a partner, you discovered as you transferred to high school and found that something in your chest hurt when you joined band and made some of the best friendships you had ever had. Love was open and opportunable, unpredictable and beyond kisses and hugs and hearts floating around your temples.

Love was the way you heard piano keys, or the sound of Taehyung and Seunghee laughing as you entered the band-rooms during every free period you could possibly find. Love was the guitar strings between Seunghee’s fingers, and the evenings around the campfire behind your house with the aforementioned duo and your father and his older stringed instrument, corny songs shared over the tamed embers. Aged seventeen, now, and still in love with music and the people in your life in the San Marcos High School Band Club, you didn’t think you’d be able to share that love with anything- or anybody- else. Until you met Jeongguk.

A key member of the school’s baseball team and a surprisingly excellent singer, Jeongguk was the type of person you saw in movies, the type of student everybody loved but didn’t touch. That had intimidated and confused you, when he strode into band club on a Tuesday evening after-school and spoke with the lead teacher Mrs Honey, who announced that Jeongguk and a small handful of other, daresay “jocks”, would be joining the club for extra credit. You had stood there, appalled, in your shirt decorated in tiny crescent moons, afraid of the love you had for this club being destroyed by a bunch of sport-happy popular kids.

That was an incorrect judgement that you came to regret; Jimin was an angel dressed as a devil, with a love for the sound of flutes and clarinets and apparently, a new close friend of both Seunghee and Taehyung, respective woodwind players. And then there was the situation of Jeon Jeongguk, who caught your eye across the room a few days later, standing behind the group of new friends with an air of awkward discomfort- he had smiled softly, his eyes drooping with a gentle gaze and he had asked for your name and your instrument.

The first time your heart fluttered for something other than music, it was when Jeongguk called out to you as he left to go home and smiled around the words, “Catch you later, moony.”

Two months later, and Seunghee, Taehyung and Jimin had banded together to form an interesting trio, inseparable save the baseball field where Jimin spent Monday, Thursday and Saturday evenings. It genuinely hadn’t bothered you the way you had expected it to, not when Jeongguk was there to fill the space vacant once they had left. It was still intimidating to know him, be his friend, be the weirdo he hung around with sometimes both inside band club and out. 

At first, you hadn’t expected it to last- he was only here for extra credit, and it wasn’t like he actually cared about the club or you, and the way he stared at you with a soft fondness when you talked about your Dad and what you did the night prior was definitely part of your imagination, right? To your absolute surprise and honestly, relief, you had returned to band after a short break from school, expecting to find that those same jocks had now left but instead they were still there, waiting for the rest, part of the club with pride. And, there was Jeongguk again, with that smile that made your stomach do funny things.

Over here, Moony, he had said, patting the seat beside him. Once seated, he had shifted to stare at you and grinned softly, pulling a little strand of hair from your face and tucking it behind your ear. It’s okay, he said, you’re allowed to be surprised to see me. You’re too cute when you’re trying to pretend like you don’t care. I like your hair, by the way.

So, yeah. It was no surprise that one month after that date, Jeongguk had pushed himself up against your locker at the end of the day and smiled at you, saying something you had both dreaded and dreamed of: “Do you wanna go out sometime?”

Love was still scary, even two months into your relationship with Jeongguk. He was unlike anything and anybody you had ever met before; when you arrived at school everyday, he was always with his usual group of popular friends, girls with expensive hairdos and painted nails and guys with nice cars and bodies. But as soon as he spotted you hopping out of your Dad’s car, his eyes would light up and he’d pull himself away from his friends, bounding to you within seconds of you standing on your own two feet next to your Dad’s pulled up car.

He’d smile and press little kisses to your hair and the side of your face, holding you from behind, looking up to say good morning to your Dad, who, as he pulled away heading for work, couldn’t be happier at the revelation that you were happy, and that love now didn’t mean what it had before. It was more than arguments and anger. Love was Jeongguk and music and your friends with more Jeongguk on the side.

Sure, people would question why he’d pick you over everyone else, because truth be told, there was nothing special about you, or at least not to them. But to Jeongguk, you were the girl who talked about music like a lover, and treated the world kindly and fairly. To him, you were everything, and more.

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen Whip It before.”

Presently, Jeongguk sits on your bed pushed against the wall with an adoring smile on his face, a laugh leaving his mouth as you hastily pop open the DVD case and thrust it into the player.

“I haven’t seen a lot of movies,” Jeongguk replies, leaning back to find comfort underneath your blankets.

It was a Friday evening, the sky outside bleeding out into vibrant pinks and deep purples, like bruises, nighttime approaching. Today would be the first time Jeongguk has ever been allowed to stay around your house overnight; your Dad liked Jeongguk, and thought he was what you needed and deserved, but he’s still a Dad, and he was hesitant. Eventually, after growing bored of the begging and hints, he just said yes to keep you quiet, sternly telling you that any ‘funny business’ would be heard through the walls and so, please, don’t do that. You didn’t think you were quite there yet with Jeongguk, and he had never shown an interest in it. Sure, Jeongguk would get touchy, risking a hand on your thigh or playfully holding your butt in a Sixteen Candles-esque fashion, and when you came to see him at games, his friends would definitely allude to it with sexual whimpers that were supposed to be you.

“Well, that will change!” you announce with glee, jumping back next to him. 

He doesn’t even wince when you accidentally kneel on his hand, instead he just moves his arm to wrap around you as you get comfortable next to him. Under the covers, he feels your toes brush against his legs and in his face, the marshmallow smell of your shampoo. Jeongguk smiles to himself and presses his face into your hair and kisses your forehead afterwards, a cheek squished against the top of your head. In one hand, he holds the remote and in the other, strands of your hair you let him twirl around his fingers as he watches.

“You will love this movie.”

He smiles wider: “Oh, yeah?”

“Mhm. It’s cool,” you nod against his side. “You know, actually, the feeling- you know the feeling you get watching a movie, when it’s so good and it makes you feel all funny and sentimental? It actually...it actually kinda reminds me of you.”

“What, really?” Jeongguk asks, sounding flattered and surprised. You shift up to look at him and he grins widely, quickly leaning to kiss you. “You’re so cute, baby. I’m sure I will love this movie.”

As the movie opening rolled onto the screen, Jeongguk sat still to allow you time and space to wriggle into his body, getting comfortable around limbs and the soft wool of his jumper that you had worn a couple of times. 

This concept isn’t entirely foreign; he’s watched at least thirty movies with you since your first “date”, which had consisted of a cinema date due to his uncharacteristic nerves to talk to you. A tradition born from A Star is Born, which, actually, Jeongguk thought would be a happy movie, thanks, not the monstrosity that made you both cry in the cinema lobby, through laughter and a sweet hug on the sofas waiting for your Dad to pick you both up.

Jeongguk knows this movie- he hasn’t seen it, but he knows it; he knows Ellen Page is part of a roller-derby club and he also knows that you know it word-for-word, a content smile spreading over your lips as it begins to kick in. That’s one thing he loves about watching movies with you. Not the movie, but the way you’re enchanted by them- a smile for ones you love, a scowl for ones you end up hating, tears pooling in your eyes at ones that are funny or so bad that they become funny. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s looking at you and not the movie, because when he looks at you, time stops. In your hair, his finger gets lost in the strands and eventually unloops itself, his hand stroking instead before falling to your shoulder, his fingers ghosting down your arms and body up and down, absently as he pretends to watch the movie when you glance at him from the corner of your eye.

Like clockwork, he does this, living life in gasps as he looks at you and then back at the screen. As he sighs softly, Jeongguk pauses as you sit yourself up and look back at him, a frown on your face. He sobers, looking at you with concern: “What’s up, baby?”

“Are you watching the movie?” you ask quietly. “If it’s boring, just tell me.”

“It’s not boring,” he promises shaking his head. “I’m watching it.”

“Doesn’t look like you’re watching it.”

He smiles, “Well, right now, neither are you. I am watching, I swear. Look- Ellen Page is in a roller derby club.”

Actually amused, you laugh. “You were absolutely not watching.”

“I was.”

“She hasn’t joined the club yet,” you point out. When he stays silent, you look at him with a half-triumphant and half-amused smile. “You’re such a bad liar.”

“Okay, it’s not boring,” Jeongguk says honestly. “I just-ugh, you’re so cute. I love all of your reactions- I can’t stop looking at you.”

With some reluctance you sink back down next to him, looking at him through your eyelashes: “really?”

“Baby, yes,” he laughs. Jeongguk pulls you closer with the arm you lay back down on, his other free and brushing bits of your hair off your face before holding the side of it gently, a thumb on your cheekbone. “You’re so pretty. Makes me sick.”

“I really wanted you to watch this movie…”

“M’sorry,” he mutters through pouted lips. Somehow, somewhere, Jeongguk has moved forward with his nose brushing against yours. He sighs through his nose and it tickles, “just like looking at you.”

Jimmy Fallon announces the Holy Rollers as Jeongguk guides your lips towards his, the grand entree of the rival team missed and unnoticed and surprisingly, you don’t care. He has his hands in your hair and his head in your hands, and as he deepens the kiss you wrap your arms around his body, trying to get closer when there was no way to get closer. For a moment, the sound of the TV falls silent and all Jeongguk can focus on is you, the only thing that ever matters to him.

Jeongguk pulls away briefly, catching his breath and helping pull you up to a sitting position, level to himself. The movie continues to play, the pictures like a silent movie as Jeongguk returns to kissing you, not even feeling guilty about interrupting a movie date with the impromptu make-out session. Quite frankly, it’s not as if you seem to care; you cling to him, desperate, his body flush against your own.

What Jeongguk doesn’t say with words is more than conveyed through his movements. He is the perfect mixture between gentle and pleading, his touches like the tickle of feathers. If you were to open your eyes, you’d find his closed, eyelashes on his cheekbones. Jeongguk shifts himself, rising so that he is taller in comparison as he tilts your head upwards, lips still on his own. It’s hard to breathe in the feeling of Jeongguk’s lips moving roughly across your own, his hands cradling your face around your jaw, thumbs smoothing crescent moons into your skin.

Jeongguk’s lips move away. His hands run from your face to your shoulders, making you shudder like a draught entered the room when he drags them down to your wrists, detaching to hold your waist. Your heart speeds up suddenly-is this going to take a turn?

As his hands slightly lock around you, you pry open one eye, looking at him. His eyes are still closed, lost in orbit, and his lips are puckered and large, shiny, wet. Something alien festers inside of your stomach, churning painfully, like tiny kisses on the inside, ticklish. You trust Jeongguk, with everything, and so you inhale through your nose and close your eyes once again, clutching at his face with your hands as he presses his lips tighter, begging for more.

Jeongguk’s left hand slips, brushing against your thigh and you wince with happy surprise, having not expected it. Jeongguk laughs slightly, amused and with adoration, his lips now on the curve of your neck. Finally, like release, you limpen and let your body fall back onto the bed, your head missing the headboard by a few centimeters and now, Jeongguk is above you. Right before your first sign of arousal can be ripped from your throat by Jeongguk’s lips ghosting over what you think could be a sensitive spot, Jeongguk shifts away. He leans over you still, but he’s not moving, breathing heavily. 

Confused, torn on whether or not to be concerned, you open your eyes and look at him, seeing with surprise that his gaze is on you, anyway. He smiles when you open your eyes, cocking his head to the side boyishly and with one hand holding up his weight, he uses the other to brush some hair out of your face. Jeongguk kisses your forehead. Then he moves away.

For a moment, you’re not sure what to do.

You lie there, like a slice of ham. Jeongguk is normal, pushing himself back onto his ass to sit comfortably on the bed, both of his hands settled on your legs and he sighs, as if content. Pushing yourself up on your elbows, Jeongguk looks over with the shift of the bed and a frown settles on his brows, seeing the expression on your face.

“What’s up, babe?” he asks suddenly.

“I - Nothing,” you insist, not knowing what to say. It feels awkward. You tug at your sleeves. “It’s just.” Nothing.

Jeongguk moves forward slightly. “What happened? Did...did I do something?”

You bite the inside of your lip. “No. I mean, I don’t know - ugh, it’s just…” Jeongguk keeps his eyes on you, round and like bunny rabbits’. You sigh, it’s time to get the baggage out of the closet. “I don’t know, I just thought maybe we were doing something and then we weren’t doing anything and I just feel like...I don’t know. Maybe you don’t want me like that?”

Jeongguk’s brows crease. “Like…? Like, what, you don’t think I want to do anything with you? Like sex?”

By now, you’re embarrassed, like you’re five and the “s” word is still something you’re not allowed to say.

“It’s stupid,” you reply. “Forget it.”

“No, no, no,” Jeongguk protests, shaking his head and engulfing your hands with his own. “Baby...no. Look-” he sighs nervously, smiling. In fact, the exhale sounds shaky, breathless. “I want to. I do! Just, not now.”

Your heart thuds with the pause of silence.

“Trust me, I wanna do everything I can with you, but why rush it?” he shrugs. “You’re everything to me, everything and more. It’ll happen when it happens. Yeah?”

You nod with some reluctance. It makes sense, inside you’re actually buzzing with happiness. “Yeah.”

“Also, your Dad’s home. If we can hear him down there, he can hear us,” adds Jeongguk, followed by an overly dramatic shudder for effect. It works- you smile, a laugh rippling out afterwards and Jeongguk smiles too. “Ah,” he exhales, rubbing your arms now that you’re sitting up in his lap, “silly baby.”

“Shut up,” you mumble. “I was just...insecure, I guess.”

“I get that,” he nods. “Don’t need to be, though. I lo...like you anyway.” He strokes the side of your face, smiling, and then presses a fleeting kiss to your nose. A laugh rumbles in his throat when you scrunch your nose up. “Even when you get insecure, and even when you yell at me in band and when you refuse to sit by me at lunch. I still like you so, so, so much.”

“I don’t yell that much,” you protest weakly.

“I know.” Jeongguk pulls you in for a hug, a kiss planted on top of your head. “You’re the best there is. Love that about you.”

He doesn’t say he loves you. It’s there, unspoken, never said. It’s there, though. There for next time.

(“No funny business?”

Jeongguk holds you tightly to his chest, his legs up and entangled with your limbs as your Dad stands by the door. Half of his body is in and the other is out, a hand on the doorframe. The lights are off except for the string of lights around the room on their dullest setting, the television off with the red light on standby, and to your Dad, everything looks fine.

“No, sir,” Jeongguk replies quietly.

Your Dad takes a second to look between Jeongguk and yourself. If he doesn’t believe Jeongguk he doesn’t make it obvious, something Jeongguk is grateful for considering how unbelievably nervous he is underneath the blankets. You’re asleep on his lap, your face against his chest, and of course, your Dad isn’t about to yell loudly to wake you up. Instead, he accepts the given truth and sighs, smiling.

“Okay, then. You’re a good kid, Jeongguk,” he says, after thinking long and hard about what to say when he climbed the stairs to go to bed. “You’re good for her.”

Jeongguk’s heart leaps, thuddering. “Thank-you. She’s everything.”

“Yeah,” your Dad agrees. “Yeah, she is.”

Nothing is said for a little while and your Dad stills when Jeongguk peers down at you. Something familiar about this scene. Your Dad looks away.

“Goodnight, sport,” your Dad says quietly, pulling the door to as he leaves. He doesn’t hear Jeongguk reply, but he knows he does. That’s just the kind of kid Jeongguk is. He knows.)

[alivehahahafuck]

Things We Become In The Dark

Chapter 2 The Doctor

They arrived at the Capitol Event Center slightly on the early side, which suited both August and Elliot, because this kind of thing gets on their nerves. As they approached the seemingly abandoned building they saw that there was an open set of double doors off to the side a little ways away, but still adjacent to the entrance. There was an attendant in a grey pantsuit next to the doorway carrying a clipboard. Her grey pantsuit was the same color as August’s dress. It’s the grey that they make all of the Assignees wear to the Assignment, it’s supposed to symbolize how everybody is equal and undesignated, until they get their job and their colors. August was pretty sure it was a way to repress people and make them love their jobs too much, so they are content and don’t rebel. But, honestly, if it works, August was happy and decided to go along with it. 

The unnamed attendant waved the Braxton’s over, and they obediently followed, more than happy to have somewhere to go and something to do, as opposed to just milling around in such open spaces. Sontharian’s naturally don’t like open spaces. Gives them a weird feeling on their back. That’s just what happens when your entire life is underwater. The lady got August signed in on her LightPad. Now all she had to do was head inside and wait. 

Inside, it was essentially empty, with the exception of random workers hustling about making last minute adjustments to things, trying to get the place ready. There were a few other Assignees floating around, mostly standing by themselves awkwardly. There were two people who had drifted a little too close together and were forced to make polite, but very awkward and forced, conversation. There was one girl who stood out from the rest.

She was this blonde girl, who looked a little nervous. Not nervous in the same way that everybody else was nervous, it was more like her resting facial expression and general temperament was ‘drowning in anxiety’. August couldn’t blame her, seeing as how she herself has a resting face that scared people away. But it wasn’t just that she seemed scared. She appeared to be at least two years younger than everybody else, which indicated to August that she shouldn’t be here. But at the same time, all the workers who were scurrying by nodded at her and smiled, seeming to not have any sort of problem with her presence. 

Subconsciously, August started slowly migrating towards the scared girl, trying to observe her more carefully and figure out what she was doing here. The more she stared at her, the more she realized that the girl was not at all nervous about being here. She acted like she was supposed to be here, among the hustle and bustle. Her nervous expression seemed to be the overflow of the constant thoughts that were running behind her eyes, as if she was thinking about every possible scenario of what could go wrong, and what could succeed.

It didn’t take long until August’s wanderings brought her face to face with the girl, who has acknowledged her presence but didn’t say anything, or diert any attention from her mental simulations to her. Feeling very awkward about the fact that she was standing three feet away from a girl she walked up to, and still hadn't said anything, August opened her mouth hoping her brain would spit out the appropriate words. 

Unfortunately, August was still focusing too much on what the actual hell the girl could be thinking of, and why didn’t she say anything first, that August’s brain more vomited the words out in an incoherent mess. “Hi, umm, I was just wondering, not to sound rude, sorry if I’m coming across rude, some people think I’m an anti-social bitch, well, not that they’re totally wrong. Ha! Actually, they’re kind of right, I really don’t enjoy social functions. Anyways, I’m sorry, I was wondering, again, not to sound rude, exactly what you’re doing here? I couldn’t help but notice that you seem significantly younger than everybody else, also, the workers seem to know who you are and you don’t seem to be nervous about everything like the rest of us…”. August didn’t end up finishing her ramblings with a complete thought, she just left her confusion out in the air. 

Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to mind, and her lips broke into a timid but amused smile. “My presence here is just a formality. I already know my assignment, I’ve already been working for a year. I’m a rising surgeon in the public hospital system, I mostly do sutures and stupid stuff like that because for legal reasons I cant perform actual surgeries yet. But I’m consulted on a lot, if not all, difficult and bizarre cases,” she replied.

“Oh.” August let the noise out softly, with her lips still pursed into a little “o” shape, hanging on the edge of the next few words. “So you’re a child genius?” she asked, great that’s not intimidating. The girl chuckled softly, looking down momentarily and blushing a bit, a little bit more on her left cheek than on her right.

“That’s a generous way of looking at it,” she replied, “I have an aptitude for medical sciences…”, she trailed off wondering if she should continue, but the girl felt oddly and comfortable around August despite this being the first time they've met. However, despite the sudden trust, the girl got softer and sounded a bit more unsteady, “I can see the entire human body in my mind… every muscle, every nerve, where every last vein and artery should be.” That explained what she was distracted by, probably running through problems and solutions for the human body, all in her brain, “That, and I’m a natural problem solver. Between the two of those I’ve gotten pretty good at fixing all bodily problems: surgery, physical therapy, treating diseases.” Seeing August's look of surprise and inferiority the girl added, “Of course all blessings come with a curse… That’s about all I’m good at. I can’t fathom the mental aspect of humans,” She was still looking into August’s eyes, and August could see the sudden shift from poise and professionalism into unsurety and desperation, “emotions are so hard to predict and control. You never know what a human can do next. I can fix any external pain a human can feel. I can fix any problem. But I can’t fix what’s going on inside their brain, I can’t know what anybody is going to do next, and I don’t know how to fix it..” she trailed off, and August felt bad to see such a young girl have such a dark look in her eyes. 

Trying to lighten the mood, August tried to keep the discussion moving in a more positive direction. “Well that’s fine. Nobody’s perfect at everything. And I’m more than positive you have other skills to make up for it. I mean, apart from the fact that you’re a medical prodigy, I’m sure you have an affinity for other academic subjects too. History doesn’t change, I’m sure you have no problem memorizing dates and events!” she said, realizing she was slipping into the same tone of voice she used around Elliot.

“Actually,” she said, raising her eyes to look up at August, “I’ve never taken any other subjects. I’ve been taught math, biology, chemistry, biochemistry, human physiology, the list goes on. But the Counsel realized very early on in my life that I had the strongest aptitude for medicine that they have ever seen. They paid for me to be sent to the best medical institutions from a very young age, and they never taught me anything else other than what would apply to my job,” Upon seeing August’s confusion and disbelief that the Counsel could be so stupid and restricting on such a young girl, “It’s like how after Assignment, you only get training for the field you’ve been assigned to. The difference being They gave me my Assignment when I was 10. So I’ve taken ‘all of the subjects’, but only to the leel a ten year old would know.”

“Wait. Pardon my speech, but what the actual flying fuck? For the love of Quarre, who does that to a kid! Ten years old?!? And they constricted you to learning what 18 year olds would learn?!?

Wait. If you were 10 when you started.. That’ll mean you’ll be a full fledged doctor when you turn 18, the same time that kids your age will be starting their medical education…” August trailed off and now it was her turn to have her eyes zone out as she got lost in her own alarming thoughts, only to be interrupted by the young girl.

“Yes, it’s unfortunate, but ultimately beneficial. Younger children have an amazing capacity to pick up information at a faster rate and deeper understanding than we give them credit for.

They have such an educational advantage, in fact, that I will complete my learning two years earlier, when I turn 16. Meaning that if things continue the same way that they have, I’ll be a head surgeon by the time I turn 20, and I will be the most accomplished young doctor on the whole planet. My advisor likes to build me up and say that I’ll be the best in the entire Jurian System; but I doubt I’ll even be the best on Sonthar by the time I’m 20. But I will be the best at some point,” she said confidently, “....once everyone who is more experienced than me dies of old age” se clarified under her breath.

“Wow.” August just stared at the young blonde girl who talked more professionally and matter of fact-ly than most adults she knew. “So… child prodigy, huh? Does “child prodigy” have a name, so I can start placing bets on you well in advance, and make a shit ton of money?” August didn’t feel bad about swearing in front of her anymore, seeing as how her age was clearly only an indication of her body's physical boundaries.

“Oh. Yes. Sorry.” She blushed a bit, almost being embarrassed she didn’t introduce herself earlier on in the conversation, “I’m Katarina. Katarina Fox.” she said whilst holding her pale hand out. 

“August Braxton,” she introduced herself, extending her hand back at Katarina for a friendly shake. Although at this point, August wanted to pull her into a tight hug and stroke her hair like she would for Elliot, because this poor girl seemed to have even more worries, pressures, and anxieties than Elliot. Nevertheless, she shook her hand, “Nice to meet you, Dr. Fox” she said with a bit of a coy smile.

As August was shaking Katarina’s hand, she realized that Katarina’s pale pure white skin was different from her own. August’s skin looked as if the blood underneath was metallic and grey. Katarina’s on the other hand (ehh, get it), looked as though her blood was a silver iridescent lava that shone through the paleness of her skin.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” August inquired, “but what race are you? Your skin seems to glow and have a hidden color and life to it. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Even though she was addressing Katarina, she might as well have been addressing the hand itself because her eyes were still entranced in her iridescent shimmer. She realized her impoliteness and forced herself to look at Katarina’s face, and noticed that now she was aware of the iridescence, she couldn’t unsee it. Her face was dewy with a slight internal shimmer, and her blushing cheeks were a collection of the pink and purple iridescent bits that were typically more dispersed with the rest of the silver. Her eyes were a pale icy blue, but something also shifted behind her eyes, like translucent pools of a dark blue swirling around in her eyes.

August’s trance was broken when the Doctor interrupted her with her answer once again. “Oh yes, right,” she blushed a little bit again, still getting embarrassed by forgetting little formalities. “I’m from pod Sol-.”

“Holy shit, you’ve seen the sun?” Everything was clicking into place for August, of course, she has the Sonthar tan, duhhhh, of course she’s from Sol “Wait.” She came upon another realization, “If you’re from Sol, what the hell are you doing in Dal?” The confusion of August’s face was soon replaced with stunned horror, “...how long have you been in Dal?...” with every passing word her blood began to boil and her words were spit with her disgust. “Did they take you away from your family when you were TEN!?!” 

August understood the pain of being young and having an older sibling taken away from you, that might happen to Elliot at the end of today. But to have a child taken away from their family and brought to a completely unfamiliar place.... “My parents separated when I was nine,” Katarina explained, “When I was put into the family relocation facility, they had to run a bunch of testing to fill out the adoption forms. Families want to know a child’s abilities and qualifications before they take them in.” August hadn't known that about the system. That’s sick! Why is it once I have to start working for these people I realize exactly how immoral and cruel they are? Katarina continued despite August’s horror, “That’s when they realized my gift. They ran more intense testing to see my limits, and sent me to live with a family who had been trying for a child for years. I stayed with them for a few months while the Science Executives filled out forms and convinced the Counsel that they should be allowed to take a ten year old away from their family.

“Obviously, they won their argument and I was taken away from my adoptive family two days after my tenth birthday.” Before August could interject with her disgust and fury, the workers called over the loudspeaker that all of the Assignees need to line up in two lines, male and female, by last name. When August turned around to line up, she realized that she was so invested in what the Doctor was saying that she didn’t realize that the room had become filled with seventeen and eighteen year olds. August and Katarina said their farewells and went to line up.