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art-blogge · 5 months

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Blood and Rust

<"Great work today, everyone! We can officially end Limbus Company business there for the day. Go hit the showers early as my treat.">

Amid cheers, Dante rubbed their arm and flinched slightly. While the Sinners had been fighting off the Abnormality of the week, one of its underlings had managed to bite their arm. Outis had carefully looked over the wound and declared it a normal injury with nothing to fuss over (despite them bleeding on the floor).

Dante wanted to argue about this- A wound from an Abnormality or it's summoned pet could still cause odd status issues!- but they were too tired to bother at the moment. If anything was wrong, Faust would probably notice and tell them. Probably.

Then again, Faust had a running habit of not explaining things until the last possible minute. Why would she explain something if she didn't need to that immediate moment?

How annoying.

With only Charon and Vergilius in the bus, it was quiet for once. It couldn't hurt to nap out here unless Charon slammed on the breaks.

Dante immediate chose the biggest seat and threw themselves on it. Theirs now.

A few hours later, Dante woke up to an odd feeling. They knew what hunger was, what thirst was, but this wasn't either.

<"The effects,"> Dante rumbled, drowsily sitting up.

"The effects!" Don Quixote agreed, not looking up from Dante's device. It took Dante a few extra moments to register that all of this was unusual and did a double take once it had fully processed.

<"What are you doing with that?">

"Someone hath removed my description of Sir Heathcliff! 'Twas not you, Manager Esquire, but whomst?"

<"Probably Faust,"> Dante ticked, rubbing where their eyes would be, <"You're not putting stickers on it again, are you?">

"Nope! I desire to rewrite mine entry!"

Dante was handed their device and they just stared at Don Quixote. Something here was wrong, but Dante wasn't sure what it was. Had something changed? No. Don Quixote looked the same as always. Big, shining eyes staring them full in the face. Oh, they'd gotten distracted.

<"I can't edit these, Donqui,"> Dante finally responded, tapping on the [Edit] button multiple times to no avail. <"And you're not writing in my notes.">

Don Quixote sharply inhaled and Dante fully expected the following yell of "But whyever not???"

<"I don't want anyone in there.">

"Hoh, is it like a diary??… Might I take a peek?"

<"No.">

Dante pocketed their device as a final "No", and Don Quixote sulked. Sulked, but didn't move. Fine. As long as she wasn't making trouble.

Dante thought back to the odd sensation they'd felt. It was still there, gnawing on their insides in a way they had no words for. They couldn't eat or drink anything (in a classical sense), so maybe they were starving? No. That felt different. Similar, but different. Very similar, completely different.

How annoying.

<"Donqui… Maybe a bit of an odd question, but is it normal to want something and not know what you want?">

Her understandably confused expression said all they needed to know, and they tried again.

<"As if I want to eat something specific but don't know what it is.">

"Aha! A craving of sorts, yes! I know of such things! I myself do not get such flights of fancy, but I know those of us that do! For example, I know Sir Gregor---!!"

Dante stopped listening for a moment to think. Okay, their body wanted something. Needed, mayhaps? Perhaps they were lacking in something? They would ask Faust if she was here, but they didn't want to get up all that much.

"--Once caught her putting ranch upon her cheesed burger! I do recall even Rodion staring at that one, myself!"

Oops, they'd missed that entire conversation. They'd also missed the part where they'd put their arm around her shoulders- When had they done that? Whatever. That wasn't worth thinking about at the moment.

<"I don't know why that would be a crime,"> Dante carefully chose to admit, <"For obvious reasons. It's not cigarette ashes in the food so who cares?">

Dante didn't add that they absolutely did have food standards that were arguably higher than half the buses, but that didn't matter when they couldn't participate and SOME PEOPLE would eat off the FLOOR---- Thought terminated, there was something wet touching their glove. The one on Donqui's shoulder. Squinting in spirit, Dante pulled their hand back and inspected their glove. Blood.

<"DONQUI, YOU'RE BLEEDING!"> they honked, jumping up to get a better look. As they did, Don Quixote reached up to check her shoulder as well, visibly confused by the situation. Dante didn't hesitate in turning the clock back, bracing for the pain and---- Felt nothing. Huh? What? Huh??

The wound healed, but the twin holes in her shirt did not, leaving both Sinner and Manager staring at each other. Both were completely clueless as to how that happened.

"I was never once bitten by that fiend…" Don Quixote trailed off, then paused and looked back at Dante. She was thinking hard, or hardly thinking. It wasn't easy to tell with her until her eyes lit up.

"You were! Has that vile fiend made you one of them?!"

Hooooonk!! <"I don't have teeth to bite with!">

"And thy cravings?!"

Dante stopped. The odd feeling had completely subsided at some point in the last few minutes. No. Nonono. It was bad enough the Sinners were glorified sacrifices, which Dante already hated. Now they needed to- No, Wanted to…. "Feed"?

By the Wings, no.

<"Still there,"> Dante lied through their figurative teeth, <"You should probably go. It should be gone by morning.">

After a few more- or a lot more- words, Don Quixote finally left, leaving Dante to think about their options and put their head in their hands. This situation was going to be unsalvageable if something wasn't done soon… But they also couldn't leave the Mephistopheles. Not that it mattered any- Where the Hell would they go??

How annoying.

----

Dante didn't get an ounce of sleep that night, far too worried about their own circumstance to get any. That, and they weren't tired. At least, they'd swear they didn't get any. When they'd dozed off in Sinclair's spot was a big fat mental question mark, so being woken up there was TWO big fat mental question marks.

<"Sorry, Sinclair,">

A moment's pause after sitting up, and then Dante jumped up like they'd been bitten by something. The sensation was back and worse than before.

<"I'm up! I must have dozed off on watch, my apologies!">

It was better to play it off.

Meursault raised his hand slightly, signaling that he wanted to speak. With Dante's approval, he spoke up.

"Faust wants to know your current state after last evening."

Well, never mind that, then.

<"Awful. I'm starving and it's not food I want. It's been like this all night. Please don't come near me.">

Dante realized their mistake as soon as they finished saying it. Telling the Sinners not to come near them immediately meant at least half of them would gang up on Dante's immediate location.

"Do not be bitten by the fiend's evil claws!" shouted Don Quixote from somewhere outside of the ganging. Unfortunately no one besides Dante knew that was a very literal statement, and thus her announcement went ignored. Dante folded in on themselves, pulling both hands into their coat. Too close. Too close! People were so close that Dante swore they could hear heartbeats that weren't their own. And maybe also their own. Dante was very stressed.

Like an angel from the heavens Faust entered, breaking up the crowd with her mere presence.

"It will take seven hours without blood intake to allow the effects wear off. It has been more than seven hours, and yet the effect persists. Please explain yourself, Dante."

She glanced to the side while Dante shrunk into their seat guiltily. Luckily, Don Quixote finally broke through and stood in front of them.

"As I hath said! The fiend has granted Manager Esquire~e claws that draw forth blood with nary a feeling! Look upon the holes in my shirt!"

"Lassie, are you saying Clockface is some sorta vampire now?"

The Mephistopheles erupted into chaos, which Dante was for once grateful for. It meant everyone's attention was off of them for the time being, even if it very much was about them.

Shoving Heathcliff out of her way, Ishmael yelled over the chaos "What if it doesn't wear off?!"

"Then Dante will be reclassified as a Bloodfiend, with all that it entails," Faust calmly answered, not bothering to raise her voice. She actively avoided looking at Ishmael, instead looking towards the nearest window. "That would be more than enough for multiple parts of the Head to hunt them down."

"So just lock them in their office until it goes away!"

Ishmael had a valid point, but it also scared Dante. What if it didn't? And anyway, the LAST time they were in their office with anything relating to an Abnormality, they'd ensnared nearly everyone.

"Then we lose seven hours of work," Meursault stated plainly.

"Our paychecks!" Rodion mourned, mentally removing food from her grocery list.

Gregor adjusted his glasses, sighing and ignoring that last statement.

"We can't work like this. Manager Bud will absolutely be in range of someone's blood. Maybe we can run late?"

The Sinners started to argue again, and then everyone went quiet. Dante didn't remove their head from their hands to see why- Vergilius had probably stood up.

This theory was confirmed when the back of Dante's collar was grabbed and lifted, easily pulling them out of their seat. Dante honked in distress, wildly swinging their arms to smack at Vergilius for such a crime. Dante's pleas to be put down were completely ignored by the annoyed Color Fixer, and they got no help from any of the Sinners.

<"Put me down! Put me down! I can leave myself!">

"Whatever they are saying, I don't care."

How annoying.

<"I'm going to scratch you at this rate and then what?! Another seven hours?!">

To get their point across, Dante swatted at Vergilius' arm before freezing on contact. Though several layers of fabric seperated Dante's hand from Vergilius' arm, Dante could feel his heartbeat. They felt close to him. No, too close..!

<"I can feel your heartbeat, Vergilius! I could spread this to you!">

It had been intended as a warning, but it came out as a threat. Dante hoped it wouldn't be misunderstood.

"Dante says that you cannot risk this status. You cannot have it reversed, we can."

Thank the Wings that Faust understood them. Or maybe she was just playing it down. It was impossible to tell with her sometimes.

Wordlessly Dante was dropped, and they immediately scrambled to their office, resisting the urge to turn back. They wanted to apologize, explain, anything, but not like this. Not like this.

Dante slammed their door shut before leaning against it and sighing internally. Okay, fine. Fine. Just a few hours alone. Not even the full seven. They'd fed off Don Quixote hours ago.

That didn't tell them why the hand that had touched Vergilius' arm had fresh blood on the fingers.

Behind them, they heard the door lock.

<"Whoever's out there!"> Dante whined through some gears, <"I accidentally got Vergil I think! This blood is fresh, reset the count! Seven hours and don't let me out until then!">

"Seven hours," Faust's voice responded, "Faust will keep count."

Dante shut off their vision and mimed a sigh. They could definitely do it- That wasn't the issue. The issue was much harder to determine. The idea of being away from everyone worried them, despite regularly being in a different room than them. No, it'd be fine. It was a single door away. If anything happened, they could yell. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully.

They had their device. They could strategize and run some simulated battles- "Gaming", as someone had called it. It wasn't. It was strategizing and testing outputs! It was seeing how well IDs that normally wouldn't be run together would mesh in combat. And, okay, maybe a little bit of goofing around.

They could also record everything in their notes. Someone… C… Cat? Car? Catherine, that was it, Catherine had called it a diary. It couldn't hurt to add notes on their status.

--(6 hours, 50 minutes remaining) Ten minutes later, they'd fully written down everything they thought was important about their current state. Now to strategize.

Seeing no good EGO gifts in the first menu, Dante refreshed and got worse gifts. Ah. Time to reset, then.

Smoke and Wires. Excellent, they could run a Bleed team! How ironic that would be considering the situation!…

Dante wisely refreshed and reset again. They didn't want to accidentally tempt themselves. Dust to Dust AND Ashes to Ashes? Excellent, this would be a fast run. Full Liu, who cares? Time to goof off.

--(6h, 42m remaining) Seeing animated blood splatters was enough to make their insides squirm and gnaw, so they opted to start Win Rate spamming and turning the volume off. This team had no friendly fire (like Reindeer or Magic Bullet), so they weren't worried about outcome. If they won, they won. If they lost, they lost. But now they needed something else to occupy their time alongside this.

Not the projector. Too much blood in most of their life up to this point for it to be a safe option.

Not their own room. There was no way their room wasn't full of blood right now. No way in Hell.

Screw it. Time to learn how to draw. They had pens and they had their notebook.

--(6h 24m) "You alive in there, Manager Bud?"

<"Yes,"> Dante answered, relieved that Gregor was there. For some reason. <"I'm trying to figure out how to draw. It's uh.">

They glanced down at the pitiful attempt of a sheep they "drew" and grumbled.

<"It's not great. Did you need something?">

"Nah, Outis suggested we take turns watching you. Figuratively, of course. I bet it's a better drawing than I could do."

<"Bet,"> Dante responded, getting up and sliding the paper under the door, <"I told you it was bad.">

"What do you mean? This looks fine. Here, let me go find a pen myself…"

Gregor and Dante spent some time passing the paper back and forth, adding better or worse sheep on every time. Eventually this got Sinclair's attention, and he joined them. Unfortunately for both Dante and Gregor's self-esteem, Sinclair was an excellent artist. This went on smoothly until…

--(5h 53m) "Scheiße! Papercut…"

<"Should I get a new piece of paper??"> Dante quickly asked, already starting to get up, <"And are you okay?">

"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. We can keep going-"

Sinclair was cut off by Outis distantly but loudly announcing "TIME TO ROTATE!"

"Uh, guess not. Sorry, bud."

How annoying.

But yeah, that made sense, as much as Dante hated to admit it. Someone staying here too long might forget why the door's locked and open it or something. Okay, time to find something else to do----

"Hello and salutations, Manager Esquire!!!!"

Shit.

<"Hi, Donqui…. How are you feeling after last night?">

"Tis nothing of note. I would very much like to attempt a sheep as well!"

<"Oh, okay! Let me get more paper!">

--(5h 32m) "ROTATE!!" came Ishmael's voice, and Dante stopped drawing to shake their hand out. Finally, they could stop. Don Quixote was surprisingly demanding when she realized Dante was a (slightly) better artist than her. Free of the impromptu commission, Dante slid the paper under the door and rolled over right there on the floor. Their back was starting to hurt from sitting like that for so long.

Unfortunately, since they were no longer focusing on the drawing, Dante was forced to confront the ever-growing hunger clawing at their insides. It was about the same as last night's craving, but it felt worse because they'd been so laser focused on something else… And now they were feeling it all at once.

"You alive in there?" came Heathcliff's voice, a hint of concern under his joking tone, "Do I gotta shove you in this bag too?"

<"I'd take the bag over this,"> Dante groaned, <"This sucks.">

"Sucks, you said?" Rodion added with an audible smirk, and Heathcliff groaned loudly.

A single playing card of some kind was slipped under the door. Dante didn't mind card games, but after the month at sea, they'd learned the hard way that playing with Rodion was not all that fun. Should they take the bait…? Idly scratching their arm with the pen, they considered their options before ultimately deciding that they'd rather be distracted and took the card.

It wasn't a normal playing card. In Rodion's handwriting, the card read "Accept the game or play 108 pickup!".

Well, now they didn't have a choice. Wait. No. If they said no, Rodion would potentially open the door. Wait. No. They wanted to be kept away… Right? Right. Right, yes, keep them away.

<"I don't really want to play with you, Rodya. You cheat.">

"And how the hell are you gonna play Uno when they can't see the deck? It just doesn't work," Heathcliff added.

Dante slipped the card back under the door and mimed a sigh.

<"Can we just talk instead? Donqui was telling me something about ranch earlier.">

--(4h 01m) "Rotation! Move along now!" Outis' voice rang out, breaking the silence. The current trio had run out of things to talk about surprisingly quickly, and it'd just been overall uncomfortable.

"See you in a few hours, Clockhead."

Hours?

Hours???

<"Hours?">

"Yes, hours, Executive Manager. You have four hours remaining. We've been rotating every half hour and--."

<"Four hours?!"> Dante honked incredulously, missing whatever Outis had said after that. Their stomach itched. They ignored it and futzed with the pen some more. They'd seen Hong Lu twirling a pencil the other day and now they were trying to copy it in an attempt to ignore the still-growing sensation of Need.

Outis cleared her throat and knocked on the door to regain Dante's attention.

"I'm sure you want to know why we've been switching every half hour."

Dante could hear the smirk through the door. If they could frown about it, they would be.

<"Of course I do. Go on.">

"Very well. We've been rotating because we've been unable to confirm nor deny that you have not inherited the Abnormality's penchant for manipulation. If a single person is left unchecked, you may convince them to open the door."

<"Since when was I good at manipulating anyone?"> Dante asked, figuratively raising their eyebrows, <"I don't want to be out there right now. It can't be that big of a problem.">

"Executive Manager," was Outis' only response. She sounded annoyed, so Dante didn't push it.

<"See? I'm bad at it. Anyway, who's with you?">

The sound of Ryoshu's odachi bumping against the door was enough to answer that question. Okay, so there wouldn't be anything to talk about this time-

"I would like to give you a suggestion, Executive Manager. Have you eaten yet today?"

Dante's stomach rumbled at the idea of eating. They hadn't even considered it with the stress they were under.

"Do not."

<"What?">

"Do not. You can eat after you overcome this. That gives you something to look forward to."

Ryoshu snickered just loud enough that Dante could hear it.

How annoying.

<"Real helpful. When I get out there, I'm making you eat this pen.">

Their empty threat was completely ignored, taking all the wind out of their sails. All they had to do now was mess with this pen, and that was it. They really, really needed to get a hobby.

--(3h 35m) "Our turn!" came Hong Lu's voice, and Dante picked their head up off the floor. Finally! Someone willing to speak with them!

"Greetings, Dante," said Yi Sang, sitting down against the door, "You have three hours and a half remaining. It is a shame we cannot look upon your visage as we speak to you, but it is a shame we must carry until the hourglass runs out of sang."

"… Sang, sand?" Yi Sang now offered, highlighting the pun that normally would have caught Dante's attention.

"Seems they're not in the mood for it, Yi Sang. Oh, perhaps if we put our face against the ground, we can see them beneath the crack of the door?"

For a moment, Dante imagined seeing Hong Lu's face appearing under the door, and then imagined grabbing his eye with their claws. They very quickly abandoned that imagery and spoke up instead.

<"So, anything to do before I accidentally stab myself with this pen?">

--(2h 59m) The half hour had been spent listening to Hong Lu and Yi Sang have an increasingly nonsensical conversation, so Dante had stopped listening in favor of trying to draw on their coat sleeve. It didn't work, so they took their coat off and tried to write on their shirt sleeve instead. This went predictably worse, what with both the pen and shirt being black. This was stupid.

Frustrated, they scratched at their arm again with the pen, only to recoil when it hurt a bit. They'd accidentally hit where they'd been bitten yesterday, and they immediately put the pen down.

Dante then picked the pen back up and poked at it again. It hurt, yes, but it was a sensation that wasn't the hunger or other hunger.

"Charon wonders if Clockface is dead," Charon plainly stated from outside, startling Dante and making them drop the pen.

<"Uh, no, I'm alive.">

Meursault's voice confirmed for Charon that Dante was alive, and then both went quiet again. Okay, fine, they could play the quiet game too. By taking a nap, right there on the floor.

--(2h 25m) Knocking woke Dante, and without thinking they knocked back.

"Two hours and twenty-five minutes remain," Faust informed them before adding "How is your condition, Dante?"

<"Fine,"> Dante lied, picking at their bandages, <"I'm alive and the clock is fine, so it's fine. I'm going back to sleep.">

--(1h ?m) The sensation of their organs being squeezed snapped Dante wide awake. It didn't hurt them, no, but it was still an awful sensation. They were so, so, SO… Hungry.

<"Is time up yet…?">

"No, and you have about an hour left," answered Vergilius.

Dante would have scrunched up their face if they could have. Instead, they threw the pen across the room as if that would help any. Reasonably this did not help, and Dante returned to picking at their bandages. It was itchy! Super itchy!

Wait.

<"How do you know what I asked??">

Vergilius didn't answer that. Either he'd guessed what Dante was asking, or he was being a prick.

How annoying!

Digging his claws into the door, Dante hissed out <"I asked you a question!">

They were ignored a second time. Dante realized their claws were out and immediately retracted them. Then Dante realized they had claws and let them back out to inspect. They didn't pierce Dante's gloves, but they were still very sharp. Abnormality logic, Dante figured, poking their uninjured arm with a claw. Ouch. They weren't sure what they expected when they did that.

Another internal squeeze caught Dante off-guard, causing them to curl up and groan. It felt like they were being squeezed like one would a lemon or something. Was the vampirism trying to drink their blood? That didn't make sense, but neither did any alternatives.

Vergilius said something, but Dante didn't process it with all of their brain and RAM focused on figuring out how to ease this awful sensation.

--(? ??) Laying on their side with their knees to their chest seemed to settle the foreign sensation the best, so they kept that position. They were determined to get through this. The only issue now wa---

<"Ouch!">

They'd poked the injury again while itching. Whoops. Well, that wasn't an issue. If it bled, they could just re-wrap it.

If it bled.

If it. If it bled.

Bled? Bleeding?

Would it bleed?

Scratch, scratch. Scratch, scratch. Scratch- BLOOD! BLOOD! FOOD! FOOD! F--

<"Ack!">

Realizing what they'd done, Dante ripped their claws out of the re-opened wound and immediately pressed on it with their coat. It hurt, and they could feel the blood soaking into their coat, and they could feel the blood soaking into their glove, and they could see the blood, and they could smell the blood. It was right there, free, without hurting anyone else.

"Is everything good in there, Manager Bud?" asked Gregor with a bump on the door.

<"No!"> Dante blared a little louder than intended, <"Ask Faust if my own blood will make it take longer! The wound reopened, sorry! It got itchy…">

They had no intention of admitting that they'd briefly fallen victim to madness. Why would they? They were the Manager, and they had to appear competent. They had to, despite all of the Sinners knowing well that they were a defenseless coward.

They waited to hear an answer, but none came. So they waited, and waited, and none came.

Hesitantly, they called out. Was anyone there? Could anyone hear them?

Hello?

But nobody answered.

It was just Dante, their wound, and the bitter scent of blood.

Panic took over. They had no idea how long was left, and their claws had touched their own blood. Did this mean they ruined everything? Was it fine or was there another seven hours? Was there a point in waiting anymore?

Now completely desperate to escape the sensations, they plunged their claws back into the wound with a maddened fervor. Feeling blood rush into their hand gave them a euphoric rush as well. Free! Free! No more waiting! Sustenance! Food! Blood! No, not enough! More, faster! It wasn't enough! Bite down and drink up! Still not enough! Still not enough! Ignore their burning throat! More!!

Then it was over, leaving Dante soaked in their own blood and feeling nauseous. They'd failed. They could feel stomach acid bouncing up and down their throat, threatening to overflow, and they could feel their vison blurring.

The door's lock clicked, and Dante scrambled away from the door.

<"Don't come in! Don't!">

Their warning was completely ignored, and Faust's voice clearly spoke.

"Time is up. I am opening the door."

<"No no, don't, I lost control…!"> they weakly warned, but this too was ignored.

The door finally swung open to most of the Sinners squeezed into one area, all glad to see Dante… Before taking in the sights.

Everyone shouted at once and tried to run every-which-way, chaos erupting right there in Dante's doorway. Dante was grateful they cared enough to express it.

Rodion had once joked that if Dante was an animal, they'd be a cat. Dante's fading mind agreed with this and slowly blinked before remembering they weren't a cat and that they didn't visibly blink. Someone had grabbed their wounded arm in the meantime, and someone else was holding them upright. That wasn't important. Oh, and they'd had claws like a cat too. That was definitely more important.

<"Rodya was right,"> they slurred, one uncomfortably long tick bubbling out of them, <"Kinda was like a cat.">

"Goddamn bloody delirious."

"That is quite like a cat! Do you also have nine lives, Dante?"

Before Dante could consider responding in their daze, the room was briefly covered in water with a loud SPLASH from somewhere to their left. Dante's vision cleared, and they rapidly became aware of the situation they were in. They also ignored whatever it was leaking from their head, whether it be water, oil, blood, or vomit.

"Situation has been resolved," Faust stated, removing the Fluid Sac EGO, "Time is up. Your own blood was not able to trigger the counter. Faust thanks you for testing that."

"A.Y.I?"

"Ryoshu wants to know if you're insane.."

"Faust is completely sane and reasonable, as am I. Thank you for asking."

Rodion bent down and lightly knocked on Dante's head, turning their attention from Outis re-wrapping their arm.

"Danteeeee, you bad kitty, you've made a mess!" Rodion teased, and Dante swore their head got warmer all of a sudden. If not for their arm being stiffly held, they would bury their face in their hands. Instead, Dante opted to bury it in Outis' shoulder, ignoring her visibly irritated expression. From there, Dante spoke up.

<"Thank you for being patient, but I think I'd like to skip today… I need to hit the shower.">

All of the Sinners immediately agreed that Dante was not to leave their sight again and unified to deal with this themselves.

How embarrassing…!

#writing tag #limbus company #dante lcb #all sinners present for once. all of them. at least once

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sweetwriter · 8 months

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Longing :Chapter 2.1

Single dad Reiner x black! Reader

Ever since that day has been trying to spend more time with YN. Getting to know her better and showing her that he cares. By spending so much time with YN he is obviously spending a lot of time with the duo he calls “his girls” YN and Sasha. They’re like ice cream and fries, they’re already good on their own but together, they’re uniquely amazing.

It’s a Thursday morning and YN is getting Sasha packed and ready to go to her mom’s after she finishes school.

“You got all your homework?”

Sasha nods

“You have your sparkly pens?”

“Yessss”

“Snacks?”

“Yes Y/N/N” Y/N/N that’s Sasha’s nickname for you. One day while playing with his stuffed farm animals Sasha had said “I think your name is missing something.” She said absentmindedly.

YN stops and looks at Sasha curiously, “oh?’ She laughs off, “is that so?”

“Yeah” Sasha said a little quieter. Sasha is a sweet girl and she’s loud and bold and loves to be as loud as possible, sometimes, she was quiet.

Reiner tried to be alot for her, but at the end of the day, Sasha was a little lonely. She had no friends at school- everyone thought she was weird. And only for her to go to two seperate houses and having to figure out in her seven year old brain why mommy and daddy don‘ t like each other anymore. She does well for how old she is, but she is still a seven year old girl. Her mom was present, but only when she wanted to be.

Post pictures on her Instagram mostly. Sasha felt more connected with her iPad than when she felt with her mom.

When YN came into her life, she had a friend. That’s how she saw YN. But as the months went on, she noticed how YN helps pick out her favorite outfits with her, like daddy does.

That YN cooks for her, like her daddy does.

YN makes her daddy smile.

And Daddy makes YN laugh. Maybe YN was more than a friend to Sasha.

As YN was dropping Sasha off in the school drop off line, Sasha jumped.

“YN!!!I forgot! I need you to give this to Daddy, it’s his birthday today. I didn’t get to see him” Sasha said with a deep frown. Sasha does everything possible for her daddy to be happy, but she’s realizing, that YN will make daddy more happy.

Sasha hands YN a handmade card. A piece of lined paper folded held by a cow sticker. On the front in purple crayon in big letters writes: “Daddy”

“Please make sure he reads it, it’ll make him happy- and he’ll be more happier that you give it to him.” She smiles before running off into the school.

“It’s Mr.Brau- Reiner’s birthday today huh?” You whisper to yourself.

A/N: Hey y’all, so sorry it took me almost a month :,( my iPad is acting weird BUT fear not- im going to buy my first laptop soon and hopefully that’ll help with writing and what not. But yeahhhhh I’m def wanting to add more filler chapters to build up the story a bit more so definitely let me know what you guys would want to knoooww or if you want to join the tag list or anything :))

Kk much love,

Sweetwriter

#imagine #fanfiction #my writing #black reader #attack on titan #angst #reiner x y/n #aot x black reader #reiner x black reader #reiner fanfiction

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towriteloveontheirarms · 2 years

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hii, i’m not sure if ur recieving requests rn but i’m jst gna shoot my shot

could i request reader x xavier where shes not the dating type and ppl have tried and failed to try and ask her out, date her, etc. and then comes along xavier who’s determined to take her out on a date (respectfully)

and yeahh

Oh my god I´m so sorry this took forever to write! I just hated everything I brought onto the page. I hope you still enjoy dear <3

Not the dating type

pairing: Xavier Thorpe x fem!reader

synopsis: You had never given much thought to dating, but what happens when, by accident, you meet a certain artist. Will your stance on the matter change?

warnings: none

word count: 1.4k

You had never given much thought to dating. Not that you had anything against it, it was just that it felt a little too superficial whenever someone did ask you out. You were happy spending the time apart from your friends and schoolwork with yourself. Which right now you wished there was more of.

“Why didn´t you go out with them? They´re like super cute...!”, your friend asked you for the nth time.

“Do we have to discuss this again? Why would I go out with someone who I know isn´t even interested in the same things as I am in the slightest and that doesn´t know me at all? Plus, you know I like spending time on my own. I just want to have a good time and write every once in a while.”, you take a bite from your lunch. “Despite, don´t you think they are like the blandest person to ever exist? Like just really bland?”

For the nth time your friend lets out a distressed sigh at your answer. Though even she can´t help herself to not chuckle at the emphasis on ´really bland´. “I take this as my sign to not even ask you about this year's dance?”

“Not unless you want to hear last year's answer all over again. Isn´t it a bit too early to think about that anyway?”

She shrugs and the two of you finish the meal talking about an assignment before you have to head into different directions for afternoon classes.

That evening after lunch you go back outside into the quad. Most students are busy with god knows what and so it is not too crowded. The air is still warm and so you decide to lean onto the cool stone wall. Fully concentrated on the writing in front of you, you don´t notice the tall figure looming over you, trying to get to exactly that wall. At least you can feel a finger tapping your shoulder.

“Sorry, but you are kind of in my way.”, looking up you see into a pair of green eyes.

“Oh, I´m sorry. I didn´t even notice.”, you hold up the journal. “That looks really good by the way. Did you paint that?”

“Uh… yeah… Thank you.”

“Anyway I better go get back inside. I´m sorry again for sitting in your way.”, you smile at him while you dust yourself off and then walk back inside.

This would happen regularly afterwards. You´d always sit down in that same spot and when he eventually came over to continue painting you´d talk for a bit. Mostly about art at first. You asked Xavier about his paintings and how he found himself picking up drawing and painting and he would ask you about the stories you wrote in that journal he never saw you without. As time progressed you found the conversations had taken to more personal topics as well. You found yourselves greeting each other in passing and before you knew it you thought of the schools resident tortured artist, as your friend and the other students had dubbed him, as a friend.

“So what do you want to do today?”, you asked the artist curiously.

“Actually I wanted to show you something. Come on, it´s not far from here.”, he seemed a little more nervous than usually.

“Alright.”, you made it a point not to mention your observation but quite some time after wandering through the woods you couldn´t bite back a joking question. “You´re not trying to kidnap me, are you?”

“What? No, don´t worry. We should be there soon.”

Indeed it only took a couple more steps before you stood outside an old shed.

“I´m sorry where are we right now?”, you stay back a bit as he takes off the heavy chain to open the door.

“I found this shed a couple of years ago and Weems let me clean it out and use it as an art studio.”

Stepping in, you get hit by just walls and canvases filled with paintings.

“Wow, you must be here often.”, you can´t hide the amazement in your voice entirely.

“Pretty much every chance I get…”

You spend the afternoon in the Studio, talking like you do until you find what you assume is another canvas hidden behind a big piece of fabric.

“Hey, Xavier, what’s underneath that?”, you point to it.

“Oh, it’s not done yet.”, he brushes the question aside quickly.

Once more you don’t push it.

The next time you get to the shed it’s gone and the times after you don’t see it either, so you slowly forget about it.

When you go there one evening to have some time truly to yourself and write, like you had done a lot lately, you catch Xavier with it.

Too far into the music and his thoughts he doesn’t hear the door open or close. Neither does he hear you walk up behind him. Standing on your tiptoes to look over his shoulder you see it. A picture of you. Only then does he realise you are there. Trying to hide the canvas as fast as possible, he couldn´t do much for you to unsee it.

“Hey… I didn´t think you were coming here today.”, his face start turning redder by the second.

“Yeah, I just needed some time away from everyone else…”, God this was awkward.

“Oh, okay”, this ends the conversation for that moment. You go to sit at the small table to do your thing and Xavier does his. This time the silence between you isn´t as comforting or comfortable as it usually was and so you speak up again.

“Are we gonna talk about the painting or not? I know what you usually paint. Is there something I need to know?”, you can hear the second chair scraping before he speaks.

“No, nothing like that at least.”, he thinks about what to say next. “Well, I didn´t plan on doing it like this, but… I had this dream over and over again since I was young. Like really young. Of just that scene. Ever since we started talking it came back twice as often. And I know what you said about the other guys that asked you out, but… I wanted to ask you if, maybe some time, you would want to go on a date with me?”

This time it was on you to be silent. “You are really sweet, Xavier. I just… I don´t think I can say yes to that. Not only because of what you heard, but you basically just broke up with Bianca too. Enid would have this on her blog God knows how fast. You know what position that would put both of us in. I´m sorry, I better get back to school.”

Things got a bit weird for a while after this. You never stopped talking, but that afternoon never left the back of your head. Ultimately you pulled yourselves together though and when he asked you for a second time, on the day of the Poe cup, things went over all smoother. However it got you thinking things over.

When he asked you out only a short time later for a date to the Rave`N you surprised both of you with a yes.

“Wait, really? You´re not just saying yes because…?”, he asked.

“Yes, really Xavi.”, you chuckled. “In fact I think this is going to be a fun evening.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“After you asked me before the Poe cup I think I realized that I actually like being with you not only as a friend, unlike I had thought… It also felt different like when anyone else asked me.”

And you were right. Though you didn´t stay long at the dance itself and headed out to spend the evening away from all the loud music. You laughed a lot and by the end Xavier brought you back to your room. Not hearing any concerns about being caught by a teacher.

“Tonight was great, but you better go before you get caught.”, you still giggle. “Go.”

He still doesn´t move or say anything when you open the door to get into your room. Just as you opened the zipper if the dress, your phone gives off a high pitched ping. ´You were too fast. I wanted to ask if you want to get coffee tomorrow. As kind of a second date?´

Rolling your eyes, chuckling again you send back a ´Sure. That sounds great 😊´

You think you can hear the buzzing of a phone and a whispered celebration outside, but blame it on the setting in tiredness.

#xavier thorpe #xavier thorpe x reader #xavier thorpe x you #xavier thorpe oneshot #wednesday netflix #wednesday netflix one shot

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marveinator · 1 year

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Bad Idea Bella Ramsey x fem!oc (original character)

inspired by "Bad Idea" by girl in red (after part one) masterlist

This story is complete imagination and how Bella acts here is probably not how they would act irl. They/them pronouns used for Bella. pairing: Bella Ramsey x fem!oc (Mina Willow Lane) word count: 2.4k summary: You and Bella have been childhood friends, but broke off contact because of their acting career. Will your paths ever meet again? a/n: I´ve had this obsession with girl in red for a while now and of course with Bella so... here yall go! I hope many people read this story, because I am again putting my whole heart into this. And I figured since I basically already read all the Bella fics existing, I´d just write my own. Enjoy! I will try to make the chapters as long as possible so that I don´t have to post so many parts and yall can read the story faster! (Don´t be mad I simply but Pedro in the hashtags because he´s a part of the story) chapter warnings: nickname calling, ig that´s it? next chapter: Bella and Mina decide to go to a party as friends- but are they leaving it like this again?

I closed my laptop. I had just finished watching an interview of Bella Ramsey and Pedro Pascal. Not only because I was so interested in the series "The last of us", but also because… well. Long story.

I knew Bella. Well, at least I used to. I don't know what they´re like now…. but I'm trying to find out by watching all these videos about them. I miss our friendship a lot.

When we were little, our parents were very good friends and so we always played together. However, when they turned 11, their career went on and on and we broke off contact. They were too busy and now we really had no contact at all, especially since their new series.

I read through the comments under some tiktoks about them and realized how many girls admired Bella. Not only because of their acting, no, also as a person. For whatever reason, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I wanted to go out and scream loudly "I know Bella Ramsey in person!" just so- I don't even know why. I knew all these girls probably had no contact with Bella, and to be exact, I was one of them too.

It just hurt to lose friends. I missed how Bella would still send me videos every now and then of them practicing their guitar, or when we would have a pie-eating contest together when we were 8. I missed their brown eyes and their beautiful hair. Which, as I had now noticed, was a lot shorter.

But Bella was without a doubt still beautiful. Even more beautiful than I remembered, to be exact.

Sometimes I wondered if they still knew that I even existed. My Bella would never forget me, they were outgoing and cheerful. But were they still like that? What if they had changed? I probably wouldn't even find out.

I turned over in my bed with a sigh. For a few months now, I no longer lived with my parents, but in a small apartment on the outskirts of London.

I grabbed my phone from the table besides my bed and decided to go a bit on Instagram. Only to find a new post of Bella on my home feed. They posted a few behind the scenes pics of their new short film “Requiem” which I had obviously already watched. I sighed and liked the post.

This is how it had been for years. I went on their Instagram, liked the new posts and it went unnoticed by Bella. Of course, they probably got thousands of notifications a day, but still, it made me a bit sad. Almost seemed like they completely forgot about me.

Sometimes I wanted to post something just to see if they would like it- but on the other hand I knew that if they wouldn´t, I´d be heartbroken.

I sighed and switched off my phone, after seeing it was already 11 pm. Usually I stayed up longer, but today I felt extra exhausted. Which didn´t make any sense, I mean I stayed at home the entire day.

That´s what I do most of the time. Normally I work at a small café, but it´s currently closed because they are fixing some stuff in there. I´ve been looking for a new job for the few weeks while it´s closed, but everybody said they only would accept me if I would stay. And I love the café I work at too much and having two jobs isn´t an option right now, so- whatever.

The boss said they´d probably open again in 2 weeks- which was 3 weeks ago. I honestly didn´t know what to do because I did slowly run out of money… I just hoped they would open as soon as possible again.

*1 week later*

I didn´t even know if it was legal that I wasn´t even paid while the café was closed (because that seriously wasn´t my fault?) but I managed to handle everything and was back at work again now.

I wiped all the tables clean; we would open soon. I already saw some people outside patiently waiting, so many loved this place.

Not going to lie, I mean the drinks were good, the workers were friendly, and the little muffins were worth coming here.

After we finished preparing everything, I nodded at my coworker Jamie, and he opened the door.

3 hours later the whole café was full, except for one table. This was good, maybe I would get a lot of tips today. I thanked an older couple who just paid and went over to the next table. “Hey, what can I get for you?”, I asked as I looked up from the wallet where I had just put the money in. You gotta be shitting me.

“Mina? Oh my god, you´re the last person I thought I would see here!”

It was Bella.

Bella fucking Ramsey was sitting on the table in front of me.

What is this, a fucking movie? I surely doubt that.

“Hi, Bella”, was all I managed to say. Bella smiled from one side to the other and happily jumped up from their chair to hug me. It hit me all of the sudden and so I awkwardly hugged back. Bella seemed to notice that I was quite surprised about their sudden action, because they replied with a short “Shit, sorry, that was a bit- out of nowhere…”

They sat down again and looked up at me. We were almost the same height; I was just a little bit shorter. I know, I was tiny or something. Sorry.

“Uh- how have you been? Oh wait- I´m probably interrupting you and your work- uh… Can you recommend anything that is vegan?” I looked at them. Seeing them in real life after such a long time was insanely weird but amazing at the same time. “I´ve been alright I guess, and no worries, they won´t mind if I stay here a minute longer than I should. Well, we have normal juices that are probably vegan, but also, I love the vegan version of our hot chocolate or the iced coffee”, I replied.

Bella smiled again and nodded. “Choose one of those for me, I don´t mind which one, it´s your choice.” I agreed and went to get them a drink. I decided to serve them the iced coffee, I loved it a lot. When it was done, I made sure to decorate it a bit, just because it was for Bella. I know, you shouldn´t prefer any customers, but… could you blame me? I just met my childhood best friend (who is also like- really famous now) after years of no contact again.

With this in mind, I went over to the “boss” of the café, Brian. “Hey, uh, would you mind if I-“ He nodded, without even letting me finish my sentence. “You´re free for today, I figured out it was them.” I had told Brian everything about Bella because overtime we grew closer. Not in any romantic way though, I mean he was a 45-year-old married man, and I was definitely a lesbian (he also knew that). I smiled as I thanked him before running of to Bella (not forgetting their iced coffee of course).

I asked if I could sit down a bit, and they said yes. “So- you just got free for today? That easily?”, Bella asked as I gave them their iced coffee. “Yes, but, it´s only an exception, because well, we haven´t seen each other in such a long time and… yeah- “, I answered.

“I missed you, Mina Willow Lane. I´m sorry I didn´t stay in contact with you, I was just so… busy with work and I know that´s a shitty excuse because I mean almost everyone our age works and you should never leave your friends behind”, the brunette across me explained. “I just felt like it would be easier for the both of us that we weren´t in contact that much anymore because I knew that if we stayed best friends, you would be pulled into the spotlight too and I knew you wouldn´t want that.”

I looked into their eyes and tried to smile a bit. “I know… still. You just like- vanished. I´ve missed you like hell too though, Isabella May Ramsey. Don´t ever leave me like that again, or I swear to god I´m gonna get more mad than last time”, I explained. Bella laughed and nodded. “Do you maybe… wanna hang out a bit? I´m not working for a few weeks and we could- get to know each other again, I mean it was a long time, right?”

I decided to agree with Bella and later that day we went for a walk outside.

“You know, I live in this hotel and the people there are like sooooo rude. I´ve been trying to find a better one for weeks. But they have so many good vegan food options, that´s the main point why I chose it”, they explained while walking next to me. I was so happy we were finally together again; I had missed them so much I almost went insane.

“You could stay at mine, I mean, I still have a guest bed left, and it´s just a tiny apartment, but I could make you any vegan food you´d like-“, I said without any hesitation.

Bella Ramsey POV

I stared at Mina. Was she serious about this? Oh.

"I mean, yeah, I'd love to.... But I really don´t want to get into your way of living-", I replied to her offer. "Keep it down Bella, you're not going to get in my way or anything. Besides, if you live with me, we can spend more time together, I mean you owe me that somewhere after all...", said the girl walking next to me with a grin on her face. I couldn't stop smiling either, we had seen each other for the first time in years and had only been walking for 1 or 2 hours- but I already never wanted to leave her again.

I had to admit, I had missed Mina a lot. Sometimes I even went to her Instagram account, but they didn't post anything there and so I couldn't even know what she looked like now. But when I saw her in front of me today, I recognized her immediately. She hadn't changed a bit. Her hair was still long and dark blonde, her eyes green. Her style was a bit different, but I wasn't complaining, I was convinced that she looked good in everything she wore.

"So... you get your stuff, and we meet at mine again?", Mina asked, nudging me out of my thoughts. I nodded and we parted ways again.

As soon as she was gone, everything was different. I immediately missed her laugh, her beautiful green eyes and her unique way. I hated myself inside that I had pushed such an amazing girl away from me.

Just as I was packing up my things in my hotel room, my cell phone rang. Pedro.

"Hey Pedge, what's up?", I picked up. "I just wanted to check up on you, you haven't called in a while..." I had to chuckle, Pedro worried about me so often, for no reason. But I was grateful to have him, he was almost like a best friend by now- or more likely an annoying MUCH older brother. (To be honest- most of the time it was a father-daughter relationship, with me being the dad of course-)

"You're not going to believe this. I met her. Let´s keep it short and sweet, we uh- move in together?" Pedro stared at me (he just loved video calls, okay-) "You what?!" (A/N: I swear I wrote that and had Bill's voice in my head...)

I just grinned a little sheepishly and stared at Pedro.

"I'm so happy for you. You had missed her so much, and now you're going to see her every day for a while.... But- Bella. Keep me up to dated... if- you know- anything happens-" Pedro said with a wink. I just rolled my eyes.

I had probably told him about Mina almost every day, so now he thought I wanted something from her (in a romantic way). Sure, I loved her, but she was really just a friend- (A/N: Adrien Agreste who?)

"Pedro please, nothing special will happen between the two of us," I replied dumbly. After a while I hung up again, I finally had to finish packing.

Mina Lane POV

Nervously, I bounced around my apartment while waiting for Bella to arrive. Everything was clean, I had put a new bar of towels in the bathroom, picked out a few vegan recipes, and prepared the guest bed for them. The guestroom was right next to mine, and about the same size.

Sure, why had I left this room vacant when I lived alone? Well... just in case an old friend would show up here once-

Suddenly I heard the doorbell ring and I pressed the door opener, so that the front door opened downstairs. Now I had only a few seconds until Bella would stand in front of me, with their luggage, ready to move in for a few weeks. Everything had happened so fast, I couldn't even believe it yet.

When there was a knock on the door of my apartment, I felt goose bumps rising all over my body. Carefully I turned the door knob to the right and opened the door. Bella was dressed differently now, they had gray sweatpants and a dark green sweater on, much more simple and comfortable - but still beautiful.

"Hey, come on in," I said and accompanied Bella into the kitchen. It was an open kitchen overlooking the living room (A/N: Here a plan I MADE of the apartment, so that you can imagine it better <;3).

"Cozy in here," Bella said with a grin on their face. I had to giggle and showed them around.

"There's only one bathroom, unfortunately, but it's between our rooms, so I hope that's okay-", I explained. "Oh love, don't act like I'm a complete stranger, we've definitely had sleepovers, so if we ever run into each other in the bathroom at night, I think I'll be able to handle it-", Bella grinned. My face turned red. Not only because of the nickname, but also because of the way they looked at me. What was wrong with me?

"Um yeah... I think it´s pretty late already, I picked out food, plain pasta with tomato sauce, hope that's okay..." Bella nodded and thus I started cooking the food while they settled into their new room. This was going to be a few interesting weeks....

#bella ramsey x you #bella ramsey x reader #bella ramsey #ellie williams #fluff #lesbian #sapphic #writeblr #pedro #lgbtq #pedro pascal #fanfiction #fanfic #the last of us #isabella may ramsey #marveinator #friends to lovers

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jessysapphireblue · 1 year

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Home with you Luffy x Oc (Modern)

Nicknames included are Lu and Je, which you can always relace with your own name, since nothing else is mentioned. This is a modern AU so no Devil Fruits or Magician.

fluff

The sun shined through the window, avoiding the silky curtains that hung before them, flawless, and directly meeting with your face. You groaned a little, snuggling more into your boyfriend of a couple months. He snored into your hair, still deeply asleep, while hugging you like a coala.

The sun didn´t vanished, instead, it only seemed to annoy you more but not your boyfriend. At one point, you couldn´t take it anymore and unwrapped your arms from him, wiggleing out of his grasp to stand up and covered the sun from your view, just enough that it won´t shine in your faces. Turning to your bed, you saw that Luffy was now hugging your pillow close, sleeping further. A tiny chuckle escaped your lips, at the sight of him before you tapped barefoot downstairs to your kitchen to make some pancakes and bacon.

Humming a song while you cooked, you jumped out of your skin as you felt arms wrapping around you before hearing a familiar chuckle, that made you relax. "Luffy! Ah, my heart" "Shishishi! Sorry Je! The scent of food woke me up", he admitted while nuzzling your neck. "Yeah? Good to know", with one hand you flipped the pancake, while the other went to his hair, messing it up, as he hummed. "Slept good?", you asked him.

He nodded eagerly, arms tightening around your waist. It was the first night you spend as a couple, more spontanous than anything

You typed away on your laptop, listening to music to get some ideas, as the bell rang. Stopping your writing, you stood up and walked to your front door, checking the camera to see your boyfriend standing there, swaying back and forth on his heels. Unlocking the door, he beamed and nearly glomped you with happiness. "JE!", he cheered and hugged you super close. "Lu! what are you doing here? It´s 11 p.m already...11?!", you were shocked when you saw the time. By all your writing you forgot the time. "I wanted to see you. You said I can always come!", he beamed and released you, hanging his jacket up and went inside.

"Of course, bub. Would you like something to drink?" "Lemonade", he let himself fall on your big couch, almost sinking inside as he relaxed, which made you chuckle as you went to your fridge to get him his soda and some leftovers from your dinner. "Here, Soda and food" "You have food for me?", he gave you puppy eyes as you stood the food on the table in front of him, nodding. "I have always leftovers because I always make too much for one person", sitting down next to him, you were directly pulled into a deep sloppy kiss. "I LOVE YOU!", he shouted with happiness, as he fell over the food, groaning in happiness with every bite.

Time passed quickly with watching TV and talking, mostly laughing until it was 2 and you began to yawn. "Tierd?" "Yeah. Sorry, my love" "No worries!...hey, can I sleep here today?" "Eh? Sure but I don´t have any clothes for you" "Ah, just sleep in boxers!...Wait...I CAN SLEEP HERE?!" "Why, yes. You´re my boyfriend. And I love and trust you so-" You swore you never saw Luffy so touched before, as he leaned in, peppering your lips over and over with tiny kisses. "Je, I love you!" "I love you, too. So much Lu" "SLEEPOVER! I sleep by you, right?" "Beware, I cuddle in my sleep", you admitted at he shined. "YES! CUDDLY GIRLFRIEND!", throwing his arms up, he beamed.

"So, I guess I wasn´t clingy?" "Nah! You were cuddlier than a pillow, and much much cuter! So So cute!", he peppered your cheek with kisses, making you laugh. "Ok ok! Following. Could you set the table?" "mmh, payment", he turned your head to him and kissed you sensual. It shocked you for a sec before you melted into it, and despite your both morning breaths, you both enjoyed it. Pulling away, he beamed and went away.

"I hope you like the pancake", you said as he froze, making you laugh. "I know you, you foodie. You just want to sneak food" "Buf thair goof" he whined with a full mouth. "Swallow, Lu. Don´t want you to chocke on pancakes"

Presenting breakfast to your hungry boyfriend, he began to drool and nearly inhaled your food, tears of happiness brimming in his eyes, as if he never ate before. "Good?" Giving you his thumbs up, you smiled and the world was well

#luffy #luffy x oc #luffy x reader #luffy x y/n #monkey d. luffy #one piece #luffy being cute #luffy being luffy #modern luffy #couple time

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a-local-idiots-shitpost · 2 years

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A Date with Mc-Solomon

like always ‘’ is for thoughts and sorry if they are out of character, okayish length with 526 words

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“Solomon! why did you write to me about cooking, please tell me you didn´t set foot into the kitchen today Simeon will kill me” I was panicked because Solomon wrote me to meet him in the kitchen in Purgatory Hall

“Mc I´m glad you saw my message so early” he smiled at me “I invited you to the kitchen because I thought cooking together would be a good date idea and you always eat my food so enthusiastically I think it would only be fair to teach you my way of cooking”

“I´m the only one who won´t die from it Solomon that´s the only reason I eat what you make, I nearly puked last time” he laughed “you don´t have to be embarrassed and make up excuses just because you cried”

‘yeah I sure did… because it hurt my stomach like hell and I genuinely thought I would die’

“Solomon you only hear what you want to” he looked confused “what do you mean?”

“you know what forget it, what do you want to make?”

“glad you asked! because you like Luke´s and Barbatos sweets so much I decided on Cupcakes” I looked at him with skepticism “do you know how to make them? please tell me asked Luke for a recipe” Solomon looked confused “for what would I need a recipe? I just use what I feel like fits”

“Solomon…” I started “yes?” I looked him straight in the eyes, or at least as good as I could “this explains so much about your cooking”

“don´t tell me… are you jealous about my technique? you don´t have to I´m already going to teach you”

“Solomon you truly only hear what you want to…” I saw him move towards the kitchen “hey! what do you think your doing?!”

“well we can´t make the Cupcakes outside of the kitchen”

“didn´t Simeon ban you from the kitchen?” he laughed “don´t worry about it, I already disabled all of the curses and enchantments put in place for me to stay” if he wasn´t smiling so sweetly right now I would have lost it “don´t you think we should do something else, I actually think potion making would be a lot more fun… and won´t end with Simeon scolding me”

“Mc you worry to much, it won´t take long and even if something happens I can always use magic to restore everything” I let myself slump for a bit “this doesn´t inspire confidence”

I saw him move towards me “you don´t have to worry Mc as long as I´m here nothing will happen” this… did actually improve my mood a bit “did you have to be so sweet despite scaring me to death” I felt him kiss my cheek and I couldn´t stop myself from smiling “well then let´s get started so that we can get to eat those Cupcakes! first let´s throw an egg in the bowl” and now the happiness is gone “please tell me you´re going to crack it and just worded it a bit awkwardly” he ignored me and I could already feel myself panicking “Solomon? hey answer me! you meant crack an egg right???”

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I´m not good at making endings

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me imagines #obey me headcanons #obey me solomon #obey me x mc #obey me x reader #obey me solomon x mc #obey me solomon x reader

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gearsandbranches · 7 months

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Why am I here? It´s storytime

Today I want to write about something different. About something personal. About the reason this blog exists and why I´ve created it in the first place. About nature and love and anger and hope.

In 2020, the profile picture of this blog was taken:

It was taken on a solo hike through Sweden, a hike that didn´t go as planned from the beginning, but couldn´t possibly have been more impactful and fantastic and marvellous than it was.

I wanted to follow the Southern Kungsleden, a hiking path from the southernmost mountain ranges in Sweden northwards. I had planned this meticulously, every single day, every grocery store availiable (there were three spread out over the 18 day hike), every ecological zone I would be in, every possible spot to spend the night. And I got stopped in my tracks on day two, because I landed in the middle of snowmelt and bad weather and it just wasn´t doable, even less so alone. I had to reconsider, get out of there, back to safety, and plan again. And when I set out on the second part of that adventure, after a few chaotic days, my planning consisted only of a biking map in a way too big scale to be of any use, the actual map, diverted into 10 pdf´s on my phone, and a vague scrolling through a few travelling blogs.

The second hike was the Siljansleden, a hiking path around one of the biggest lakes in Sweden (but when they say "around", it means, 30 kilometers away from it and then back in a biiig sweep). It was me, alone, in deep forest, populated by moose, wolves, bears, wolverines, lynxes, and many other things that hikers are afraid of. But you still have to sleep somehow, so you have to find your peace with that. And I did it by seeing myself as just one more creature of that forest going about my business. Trying not to bother anyone. Trying not to get into anyones way. Just one of the many beings roaming the vast forests, not to disturb and not to be disturbed. I slept in a tent in the middle of the forest, and in the depth of night, when nothing was to be heard but the whistle of the wind in the trees, when the bright midsummer night spread a soft, shadowless light around, I felt safe, calm and deeply at peace.

And so I went on, for 2 weeks, alone with the forest except for 2 stops in small towns where I stocked up on food and rest. Just me and the forest and the occasional chat with a friendly stranger. I encountered animals of different kinds (including a lynx, that was magical, but to be alone with a cat whose head is almost as big as yours at 2,5 meters distance in the middle of the night is, let´s say, INTENSE). I had good and bad and fantastic days, and while I wouldn´t necessarily say that hiking alone in the wilderness is an easy life, it is a simple one: stay warm, stay fed, stay hydrated, stay dry, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. During those two weeks, I turned from a stranger and a visitor in the forest to someone who was at home there. Coming back to civilization afterwards was shocking and jarring, as dramatic as that sounds. I had to walk along a road to the campground in the town of my destination, it was 1,5 kilometres and it almost drove me to tears. The asphalt was too hard and too hot, the sun getting reflected off of it weirdly, the road wasn´t even super busy, but the cars where so loud and it was just TOO MUCH! Was that really meant for us humans to live in? Why? It took a long time to get used to it again, and I never did the way I was before. I also never step into a forest in the same way I did before. Even though I don´t think I could immediately sleep as calmy out in the forest as I did then, the feeling of being at home there still echoes. I know it´s possible. I know what it feels like, to just be one more creature of the forest, to be embraced by it. I know if I went back for a few days, I would feel the same simplicity and joy and peace again. Now, imagine what it feels like when that forest is cut down.

There was a strip of forest that was a former nature reservation close to where I live. Ten acres of it got cut down last year to built a bigger road with three roundabouts. I´ve known this patch of forest. I biked on a trail in it back from work. I´ve explored it with skis and by foot and collected mushrooms there. It was beautiful and it was erased for a stupid road project that won´t solve any of the problems it´s being built for, because bigger roads have seldomly led to less traffic, quite the opposite. We protested, we talked with the city government, we screamed and begged, but it still happened. Our local community then met up after the forest was cleared, to celebrate our activism if nothing else, to mourn together and to find comfort in community. I went there and I saw the destruction and I was FURIOUS! I´m normally a positive, peaceful person, but that made me just BURN with anger. I wanted to DO something, SCREAM at someone, throw a molotov cocktail into the office of the municipality and watch it burn, just as they had watched that forest fall without feeling anything. Quite possibly without knowing what they had destroyed, because they had never been in or with the forest in the same way. I was so incredibly angry and I wanted SOMEONE who was responsible for this to hurt as much as I did. And then I started to collect cones. Because more destruction wouldn´t lead anywhere and because I wouldn´t change anything by being sued for vandalism. It wouldn´t make anything better. But I collected cones and dried them and put the seeds in one of the planting pots on my balcony. And now I wait and hope that they´ll grow in the spring and that I will find a safe place for them to grow big. The trees that were growing in that spot are gone, but maybe their offspring will have a chance.

I still struggle with that anger. It makes me hateful and cruel and I think about spitting that hatred into the faces of every person responsible for environmental destruction. But I start to understand that this anger is not leading anywhere good. My mom once told me a proverb that says "holding a grudge is like poisoning yourself and hoping the other person dies". Being angry won´t lead anywhere and throwing that anger at the immovable wall that is world politics is only going to leave me drained and depressed. So I try to put my energy somewhere else. Planting trees. Working together with the local activist group. Finishing my studies and working for a better future. I still get angry. But I will try to channel it in a different way. Like writing a blog post about it and trying to update more often to spread the knowledge I gained at university and elsewhere.

Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a wonderful day!

(PS: if by any chance (which is close to 0) that story about the hike sounded familiar, I do have a side blog where I wrote about it before, named @theopeneye)

#environmentalism #climate change #nature #forest #hiking #activism #deforestation #sustainability #feeling emotional about trees

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firsttimewriter92 · 2 years

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Everything Black Pt. 3

This is a Post Azkaban Sirius Black x fem! reader (Muggle) fic I came up with. This is the first time I´m writing something like this and posting it, so let me know if you have any suggestions as to how I can improve my writing. I am not a native speaker so please keep that in mind :) Please, please don´t copy my work. If you want to repost, please do. I would love it if you tagged me, though :)

Warnings: Major Angst, Fluff, Snape is kind of an ass, bit teasing this one (No actuall smut yet)

Word count: 11.900 (Geez, they are getting longer)

Summary: You settle into Grimmauld Place and Sirius shows his appreciation for you. Just when he and you share some moments together, Snape makes some remarks about Sirius´ situation. Will he confide in you and how will you react?

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The next morning Mollys eyes almost teared up when Sirius appeared in the kitchen very early. He had a spring to his step that she had never seen on him. “You cleaned up”, she stated as he casually leaned against the windowsill. “Yep”, he grinned. “Any reason why you decided to finally do it? I told you to do so a million times”, Molly said with mock hurt but could not fight the smile. “Can´t I clean up when there is a guest in the house?” he asked while accepting the cup of tea Molly handed him.

“You have had guests in your house for months now, Sirius. And not once have you thought about presenting yourself decently groomed or dressed for that matter”, she scolded him. Her tone of voice was strict but warm. Sirius looked at her sheepishly. “None of you are interesting Muggles, though”, he said with a grin.

Molly crossed her arms over her chest. “Interesting, pretty Muggles you mean”, she teased. Sirius put down the cup, an earnest expression on his face now.

“You know I appreciate you all being here. I love it when the house is full but,…” Molly touched his shoulder gently. “My dear Sirius, we know. I am happy to see you this way”, she said with nothing but truth in her voice. “And if it takes an interesting, pretty Muggles”, and she held up a hand at that as Sirius was about to comment. “Don’t argue with me on this, Sirius. If it takes an interesting, pretty Muggle to finally kick your arse enough to clean up your act, then I will do my best to make her feel welcome. And…”, she concluded as she looked into his eyes, “I can already see the doubt inside your head. If you would like her to stay, show her, be honest with her and try to trust her not to leave eventually.”

Sirius had a lump in his throat. Why was it possible for mothers like her, Lily or James´ mother to exist while his own…He sighed and to her surprise, hugged Molly shortly but firm to his side, briefly leaning his head onto hers. “You are a good Mother, Molly”, he said. Blushing and a bit teary eyed the red headed woman cleared her throat and said, “Oh, hush you. Keep your flattery for someone else.” Then scurried off to the stove. Sirius smiled at her back and sat down at the head of the table pulling closer the todays daily prophet.

When you woke up you decided to take a shower first before heading to breakfast. You felt fresh and happy when you excitedly scampered down the stairs until you remembered the screaming portrait. You halted immediately, walking as quietly as you could. You reached the stairs down to the kitchen without an incident. “Good morning”, you said in a chipper voice as you reached the foot of the stairs. You could see Molly preparing breakfast and Sirius at the far end of the table. He had a newspaper in front of his face but immediately dropped it when he heard your voice. And just as the paper, your jaw dropped as well.

Before you sat Sirius, but a very different version of him. He cut his hair so it was about shoulder length. The cut had favoured its natural volume and slight bounce. The slightly silver sides only added to it. His beard was trimmed nicely and only now could you see the full capacity of one of the most handsome faces you had ever seen on a man. But what surprised you even more was what he was wearing. Washed out black jeans and a deep red band shirt of…

“Zepplin?”, you asked curiously as you made your way towards him. He looked down and with a lopsided smile he said, “Yea, I listened to them fairly often back in the day. Drove my parents mad”, he grinned with a slight bitterness as you sat down. “Only one more reason to do it and dress like this”, he added and tucked at the shirt. “Well, I´m certainly a fan”, you said enthusiastically. Sirius leaned closer to you and said with a wink, “Of me, or Zepplin´?”

“Merlin ___, haven´t I told you not to stroke his ego?” Remus appeared in the kitchen. He looked tired, obviously exhausted but none the less, he smiled warmly at the both of you. “I know, I´m sorry but,” with a grand gesture you pointed to Sirius with both arms, palms stretched out toward him. “Have you seen him? He cleaned up so good?!” Sirius was trying to hide his embarrassment. Remus eyed him up and down, nostalgia filling his every pore as he looked at his old friend. And indeed, it was like looking at a young Sirius again. It was astounding how no one except for Dumbledore seemed to understand what Sirius needed was someone who would be able to get to know him as the person he was now. Not comparing him to the person he used to be. “Long time no see, Pads”, Remus said with a hefty pat to Sirius´ shoulder as he sat down. A solemn look befell Sirius´ face but he had a slight smile on his face.

After breakfast, Remus excused himself. “Have to take care of something”, he said at the foot of the stairs as you looked at him questioningly. “Don´t worry, shouldn’t take too long.” And with that he put on his coat and went outside. Sirius wished so much he could join him. You turned around to him and said “Would it be too much to ask for a little more magic?” Sirius had only waited for those words. Exhilarated by the fact that you wanted to spend time with him he quickly said “Absolutely not. Please, follow me.”

Back in the library he showed you spells that let objects fly towards him, made books just ascent into the air or let fireworks shoot out of the tip of his wand. “This is just childsplay”, he said as he sat down next to you on the couch for a little break. “We learn these spells very early on. There are far more exciting things, like Transfiguration and Defence.”

“Defence?”, you asked. “Defend yourself from what?” Sirius´ smile faded a bit but he tried to maintain the light mood. “I am afraid the world of wizards is not as peaceful as you might think, darling. There are things and people out there that are not interested in peace or tranquillity.” You looked at him a bit worried and it clicked. “Death eaters”, you whispered. Sirius nodded. “Clever girl.” Under any other circumstance you would have shivered at the endearment, but Sirius´ look made you realise that the topic was no laughing matter. “I want to hear about it”, you said suddenly.

“___”, Sirius began but you stopped him. “Please, Sirius. I am already in this situation. If I want to help out and stay here, I need to know a bit more. The last two days have been filled with the light side, the fun part of magic but if there is a dark side, then I want to know about that as well. I need to know what I am in. I am not naïve, I realise that there is conflict in every world. So please, tell me what I need to know.”

You meant every word. You were determined on showing Sirius and the others as well, that you could handle the truth. That they didn’t have to think about what they could tell you or how to speak in your presence. “I want to know. Everything eventually. But for now, won´t you start with this, so I can understand you better?” you asked with a hopeful look toward Sirius. His heart felt like it was about the break in two. Your determination to stay in this house, in this world meant so much to him. He didn’t want to spoil this for you already. But the stern, hopeful look in your eyes made him weak. He looked at you with a bit of despair. “It´s gruesome”, he said. You nodded. “So is Muggle history if you look at it that way.” He chuckled coldly at that. You were right, of course.

So he began. Telling you everything you had asked. He told you about the darkest wizard of all time and his followers. What their beliefs were, what horrible things they did. To Muggles as well. You let him speak freely, afraid he would stop the second he noticed your discomfort. You sat on the couch absolutely still, listening, not moving a muscle while Sirius sat next to you. Elbows on his knees, he just looked forward while talking as if he didn´t want to look at you as well. And he didn’t. He was terrified that while he was talking, he would seal the fate of you begging Albus to erase your memories. He told you about the order of the phoenix, what they fought for, about the current members. He mentioned briefly that the order had been established before the disappearance of the dark Lord and dissipated after his fall. Only, he did not fall. He was on the rise and the order assembled once again.

Sirius stopped at that. This should be enough trauma for one evening, he thought bitterly. If he mentioned more of the old order, eventually he would have to talk about James, Lily and Harry of course. And therefore he would have to reveal to you what he was. He was not at all ready for that yet. He didn´t dare look at you. His heart was hammering in his chest as panic flooded his insides. He was scared.

You tried your best not to shake. Your eyes were wide. Truly you had not expected the magical world to be at the brink of war…again. You were scared. But you willed yourself to think about why you were scared. Of course one point was you being a Muggle. And apparently that didn’t sit right with some people. The uncertainty what will happened and when it will happen was another point. But most of all, you feared for your new friends. These people that had welcomed you into their world, their house….they prepared for war. A war in which several order members already died years back.

You took a deep breath and saw Sirius flinch at that. Immediately you felt bad. Scooting closer to him, you felt bold enough to reach out and take his hand. It was cold and a bit clammy but Sirius did not pull away. Instead he looked at you almost pleadingly from the side. That look almost broke you again. You wanted to ease his worries away more than anything. “I´m going to say some things. You listening?” you asked. He nodded and you squeezed his hand a bit. “I´m scared,” Sirius´ let out a quiet, desperate sound and hung his head. “But”, you continued quickly, “I am scared that I am going to lose all this”, you nodded your head somewhere in the room. “I just found this literal magical place, welcoming people, dare I say friends”, Sirius´ head shot up at that to look at you astounded. “And I am terrified for them because they are all preparing for another war. A war were I can´t help at all. And if I can´t help…” Your voice was thick but you dared to look Sirius in the eyes. You saw different emotions quickly changing. Astonishment, fear, gratitude and last, determination.

Sirius had not expected this. He was deeply touched and astounded about the fact that you didn´t seem to be scared for your own safety at all. You thought about them first. The fact that they were in danger. You wanted to stay. It took almost every ounce of willpower he had, not to envelop you in a protective hug and never let go. So instead he quietly turned his hand and laced his fingers with yours like it was the most common thing for the two of you (And for some odd reason, you both felt like it was).

“You already help plenty, love. Believe me”, he said and was finally able to smile at you. You smiled back at him. An honest smile, but fleeting. Concern laced your voice when you asked, “Sirius…As a Muggle…in how much danger am I exactly?”

“None”, he said immediately. With one fluid motion he was in front of you, kneeling on the old carpet he held both your hands and looked up at you. “You should have started with this question, love. You are not in danger,____. Not as much as any other Muggle out there since the Death eaters first appeared. And I promise you that all of us will see to it that it stays this way. I will see to it. But I can only do that…if you stay.” You looked at him. He looked at you so hopeful, your heart clenched. “So, you are saying I would be just as safe outside as I am in here?” you asked and looked briefly out the window. Sirius´ face fell, but he remembered Mollys words. Be honest, trust her. “If the Death eaters didn´t see you that night”, he swallowed. “Then yes. Albus would have to alter your memory, but you would be just as safe in your old life” he said with a very small voice, looking at your hands in his, wondering if this would be the last time he held them.

“Sirius”, he heard you say and when he raised his head, he was met with the most heart stopping smile he had ever seen. “Sirius, I discovered magic. Real magic! My old life was about surviving, not living. Here, I finally seem to be of use of some sort”, and then he heard the words that he could have sworn he would never hear. “I want to be here.” That’s it, he thought. Mate, brace yourself this is not going to be easy. You are falling broom over cauldron. The relieved chuckle that passed his lips made your heart sing. “Woman”, he said rising, taking you with him. “I hope you know with this, you got yourself a lap dog.” “You are house broken, right?”, you asked with mock seriousness and a raised eyebrow. Again you were able to hear that barking laugh as Sirius squeezed your hands one last time before letting go of them. You missed the touch immediately. Joining in his laughter however with a giggle. Then, you heard a loud crash and the horrible screeching shortly following.

“Oh, for the love of Merlin’s saggy left nut…”, Sirius´ groaned as he hastily made his way to the door. You were at his heels trying not to laugh at the ridiculous swear. You ran down the stairs accompanied with shouts of “MUDBLOODS” “BLOODTRAITORS” and “POOR EXCUSE OF A SON”.

Son? you wondered as you reached the bottom of the stairs. Remus already trying his best to close the curtains when Sirius joined him in the effort. “MUGGLE”, the woman screamed and pointed at you with a look of pure ill intent. “GET OUT! FILTH! YOU ARE UNWORTHY TO WALK THESE HALLS!” Sirius had enough. With all his strength he leaned against the curtain and closed it, shutting up the mad woman. He was panting while he turned around to apologize for his mother’s words but all he saw was you, relaxing against the railing on top of the third step looking positively bored. “So”, you drawled pointing at the portrait. “That screeching bitch is your mother?” He looked up at you with a look of pure adoration and said “I´m afraid so, darling. Though I haven’t used that title on her for a long time. To me, she is just the woman that gave birth to me.” He shrugged. You descended the last few steps and stood next to him. Looking at the curtain you said “First, and definitely only thing I will ever be thankful to her for.” Merlin, sweetheart you need to stop!, he thought, trying to hide his red cheeks behind his hair as he hung his head.

Only now did you realise what had caused the crash in the first place. Just like you, Tonks had fallen over a strange object. It turned out to be an umbrella stand. It looked strangely like the foot of something big. Tonks was kneeling on the floor, picking up bags and packages wrapped in parchment paper. “What is all this?”, you asked amused as you kneeled down as well to help her. She gave you a thankful smile. “It´s for you”, she said excitedly.

“What?” you asked perplexed as you looked up at Sirius. He had a mischievous smile on his face and nodded towards the kitchen. With packages and bags in hand you made your way downstairs behind Tonks.

Sirius stared at your retreating back still smiling. “Merlin’s beard, haven´t seen that look on your face in a while, Padfoot”, Remus said teasingly. “Shut it, Moony. I am at a loss here”, Sirius was trying to sound annoyed but couldn´t quite manage. Remus got a little worried at that. He knew Sirius well enough that when he was like this, the possibility of him overthinking and standing in his own way was very high. “Don´t”, he simply said. “Don´t what?” Sirius asked looking at him a bit bewildered. “You enjoy her company? Enjoy it then. You would like her to stay? Make her stay comfortable. You want it to be more? Stop trying to make excuses about why you are not good enough and show her.” Sirius groaned but he knew his friend was right. He was in his head too much. “I honestly thought I wasn´t able to feel like this anymore. If I ever did, to be fair.” He said quietly. Remus patted his back. “You are on the right path, Sirius. I´m happy for you, so don´t screw up. But maybe, hold off on the flirting a bit. It´s always made me nauseous.” Chuckling Sirius turned to his friend. “Maybe you should try it sometime yourself. Or Tonks will never know that you fancy her.” He grinned when Remus´ face fell. “Don´t tell her!” he spat. “Take your own advice then”, Sirius rolled his eyes. “If you like her, show her and stop feeling like you are not good enough. I thought we taught you better.” Remus sighed. “You know that’s different”, he said. “I´m danger-”

“Oh, shut up!” Sirius interrupted him. “Come on, I want to see what the two of you got her”, he said and went down the stairs followed by a head shaking Remus.

In the kitchen, Tonks flung her share of the loot onto the wooden table and started to bounce from one foot to the other. “Open them, open them”, she said clapping her hands and grinning. With a careful, questioning look to Remus and Sirius who just came down the stairs, you grabbed one of the packages. Remus just shrugged with a smile but Sirius was almost as excited as Tonks. He hurried to get to his spot at the head of the table where you stood and placed both palms on the table, leaning over it and eying the packages and bags. You chuckled and began to open the package in your hand. It was soft. When it opened, it hit you. Of course, exactly what you needed. Inside the package were two simple pullovers with a V-neckline. A grey one and a dark green one. You picked one up and it seemed to be exactly your size. Now you knew why Tonks was here. You were somewhat relieved, the clothes she lent you were almost a bit too flashy and bright for you. You smiled brilliantly into the expecting faces, one more than the other. “Thank you for getting these. They look so pretty”, you said thankfully.

“This one next”, Tonks said and pushed another bag towards you. You opened one after the other, small piles of clothes began to form on the table. Sirius seemed to get more satisfied with every package or bag you opened. He was a bit worried Tonks would go overboard, that’s why he sent Remus with her. Remus wasn’t exactly looking forward to a shopping spree in the Muggle world but he knew you needed the clothes. And as much as he tried to tell himself that he was no good, a day with Tonks was something he would always have trouble saying no to. One bigger package and a bag, delicately sealed with a small bow were left. You grabbed the package first. It was soft as well but felt heavier than the others. “This one is a little special”, Tonks said. “We went to Diagon Alley for it.” Knowing that it was the wizarding shopping street, your mouth opened slightly and your heart began to hammer in excitement. Sirius and Remus had told you about the cobbled street with all its magical shops and what they sold. Almost reverently you pulled on the string and carefully pulled away the wrapping material. Revealed was a midnight blue, heavy fabric. You carefully unpacked it completely and lay it out on the table. It seemed to be some kind of…”It’s a travelling cloak. Or just a winter cloak, however you want to see it”, Remus said. You were in Aw. Touching the cloak carefully you noticed, it was probably made from the softest material you had ever touched.

“Here, let me”, suddenly Sirius was at your side. He pulled the cloak off the table and opened it up for you to put it on. You looked at him in gratitude and smiled as you turned around. The cloak fit perfectly around your shoulders and arms. It almost fell down to your ankles. The midnight blue colour, as well as the soft material, almost made it look like you wore a piece of the early night sky. Though the colour was simple, its movement with the fabric wasn’t. It was almost as if the colour had different shades and was moving over the fabric as you moved just the slightest bit. Sirius was relieved. He asked Remus and Tonks to get you something from Diagon Alley. Anything really. He just wanted to see yet another reaction to something magical from you. He could see why they would choose a piece of clothing made for the wizarding world and made it so it was somehow adjustable to the Muggle world. They would think it was an alternative piece of clothing but not stare for too long or ask any questions about it. But seeing you move in it with such delight and wonder etched onto your face, his heart wished for nothing more than to be able to show you his world to its full extent.

All the places he used to go and see. Once he was free. Once his name was cleared, that was what he wanted to do. The words you spoke to him earlier in the library echoed in his mind, helping him not to interpret the cloak as an instrument or indication for you to leave. When he realised that, a feeling of pure relaxation came over him and he marvelled in it. “The cloak has a warming and cooling charm at the same time”, Tonks explained to you. “Whenever you are somewhere cold, it´ll warm you and whenever you are somewhere hot, it´ll cool you down.” Fascinated you looked down at yourself. You never felt this fortunate about owning a piece of clothing. You walked over to Tonks in a hurry and with a huge smile you enveloped her into your arms hugging her giggling form. “I´m glad you like my pick,” she said as she carefully patted your back but hugged you back none the less. “I do, thank you”, you said and as you let go and turned to Remus. “You too, Remus. Thank you very much.” You didn´t know if he would appreciate a hug so you kept your distance a bit and gave him a grateful smile. He did seem to appreciate the gesture. He was still relaxed and simply nodded at you with an equal friendly smile that made his eyes appear in an even warmer hazelnut colour.

You turned back to Tonks to gush a bit more about the cloak when suddenly “PADS!! Get your dirty paws off that bag!”, Remus boomed, useing his best scolding voice and immediately felt a bit nostalgic as he saw how Sirius jumped and dropped the bag immediately back onto the table, looking positively guilty. With wide eyes he looked at Remus. “Why? What´s in it?” he asked trying to sound innocent. Remus rolled his eyes. Coming around the table he leaned towards his friend. “Do I need to put you on a lead?”, he whispered as he grabbed the bag. Sirius smirked. “Not yet”, he said softly. Remus forced down a smile and handed the bag back to you. You wondered what could be in it and opened the bow peeking inside. And there it was. Lace. Closing the bag hastily, your whole face flushed bright red and you looked at Remus with a shocked expression. “Please tell me you didn´t….”

“Merlin’s beard, ___ no! I chose them!” Tonks came to his rescue. “I thought if we buy you a new wardrobe anyway, you also need those. There are comfortable ones and”, she winked at you, whispering “nice ones.” That did not help your flush at all. Sirius was eying the situation carefully and he thought he had a pretty good idea of what was in the bag. You had unpacked jumpers, shirts, a few blouses, sweatpants and jeans, socks and pyjamas. Everything you needed except for…Well. The thought that he almost embarrassed you by looking into the bag made him feel bad. With you in his presence he started to feel like almost his old self again. That included acting a bit impulsive without thinking about what came after. He was a full blown adult now. He had to think a bit more ahead. Then again, seeing your adorable flushed face, he actually wondered what the garments in the bag looked like. What they would look like on you, Stop it!

“Alright, so what do I owe you?”, you asked and looked expectantly between Remus and Tonks. They shared a confused look. “What do you mean?” Tonks asked. “Well, unless you made yourself invisible and stole all those clothes, how much money did you spend?” you asked with a laugh. “Wait, you didn’t make yourself invisible and stole these, did you? Please tell me you have the receipts.” You said a bit worried. Tonks let out a small squeak and hugged you tightly. “You are the most precious thing I have ever met”, she said with a small whine. When she let go and saw your confused expression she explained. “Albus had a bit of a bad feeling about snatching you off the street without giving you a chance to pack your things. He insisted we tell you not to worry about it”

A very strange feeling crept up your throat and you could feel tears stinging in the corners of your eyes. The generosity these people had shown you the last few hours was more than you ever experienced. It was a bit difficult to handle. With a small sniff you said “ Well, I need to call and thank him then. This is…very generous. I need to, ehm…” You lost your words for a moment. To your surprise Remus came over and lay a gentle hand on your shoulder. “Calm down”, he said in a friendly tone. “You needed these clothes so we got them for you. It´s not like we bought you a Unicorn”, he said with a grin. “And forget about calling him. Wizards don’t usually communicate via Phone.” Your heart sank. “Then how am I supposed to thank him? Will he visit again soon?”

“We write letters”, Remus simply stated. “I am sure Sirius will help you with that”, he said with a wink in Sirius´ direction. You looked at him. He leaned against the counter alongside the wall and nodded his head immediately. “Speaking of”, Remus said and took a step back looking at the cloak you were still wearing. “Albus only asked us to get you some Muggle clothes. This”, he gestured to the cloak, “comes with the courtesy of living with a Black.”

You turned to Sirius, slowly. “You….you bought this for me?”, you asked almost disbelieving. Sirius stood up straight and again, simply nodded his head. He was unsure if you would even except the gift, nervous the gesture could be too grand. His fears almost came true when you started peeling of the cloak and carefully laying it back onto the table. His heart making a kick start however when he saw you taking a few big strides towards him and just a moment later, he felt your arms around his neck hugging him close.

You didn’t know if it was a good idea or not. You followed an overwhelming urge to be close to Sirius at that moment. You where beyond moved that he would give you something like this. So, not thinking about him maybe not wanting this, you walked over to him, stood on your toes and hugged him. As soon as you felt his soft hair against your cheek and whispered a quiet thank you, you knew that the somersaults your heart was making could only mean one thing. You could feel him tensing up and worry shot up your spine. You loosened your grip on him in order to let go, but the second you did you could feel his arms circling your waist pulling you back in gently. You could feel the warmth he radiated, could smell his skin. You could feel your senses overloading. Was that your heartbeat or his? Sirius couldn´t help it. The overwhelming feeling he got at your gesture and whispered words in his ear made him borderline nuzzling his nose into your hair. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this kind of infatuation towards a woman. “You are welcome, sweetheart”, he whispered back and very reluctantly let go of your waist. He was suddenly hyper aware of the other two people in the kitchen. Still, the look you shared after letting go was definitely a tad too long to be normal. He saw a light shimmer in your eyes and nothing but gratitude. It was almost physically painful to keep himself from stroking your, he now noticed, very flushed cheeks. By the wiggle of eyebrows Tonks gave him behind your back and a knowingly smiling Remus, he assumed his own face was probably just as flushed.

Remus understood. Apart from him, Tonks, Harry and maybe Molly, Sirius had not been hugged in well, a very long time. Certainly not from a woman he clearly took a liking to. In fact, Remus was surprised that he didn’t pull back or just froze. The horrors he had to endure had been so heavy on his heart and therefore his behaviour since the order had been reinstated and Sirius had to return to his old home. Remus always thought about ways and gestures of how to make it more bearable for his friend but sometimes, he was at a loss. Sometimes Sirius just wanted to knock himself out with Firewhisky, not cleaning himself for days and spending the most nights with Buckbeak in his parents old bedroom. But there he stood, slightly flushed face and a adorning smile etched onto his lips, looking at the woman that purely by accident had tumbled into his life. He tried to ignore the constant elbowing he was receiving from Tonks. Chuckling he looked down at her. She was practically bouncing, grinning from ear to ear. His features softened as he looked at her.

A sudden loud crack and a shriek from your throat and the kitchen had suddenly doubled its inhabitants. You whipped around seeing Molly, Arthur and another red headed young man standing in the kitchen. “Oh,” said Molly looking around curiously. “I expected the kitchen to be empty. What´s all this?” she gestured to the wrapping paper and clothes on the table. “Ah, Albus asked us to get ___ some new clothes. Since she didn’t have time to pack any.” Tonks said. Molly looked at you with a very pleased look on her face. “Well in that case, ___dear, bring your new things to your room and meet us down here for dinner.” You nodded your head and started to collect all your new belongings. “I´ll help”, Tonks chimed in and stuffed the last bit of clothing into a bag, grabbing your arm and pulling you up the stairs. “Oh Merlin”, Remus sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. Sirius appeared next to him smiling slightly. “She is in for an interrogation”, he sighed dramatically. “Yep”, Remus answered popping the last letter with an almost proud look on his face. Sirius shrugged. “____can handle it.” He said with such conviction, Remus suddenly had no doubt that you actually could.

You entered your room, Tonks hot on your heels. Closing the door behind her, she tried to contain her excitement. “So,” she said while you put your new clothes into your drawer. “Soooo?”, you asked with a smile not looking at her. She dumped the rest of what she was holding onto your bed and sat on it. “Sirius”, she said with an eyeroll at you. “What´s going on?” Of course you knew what she meant. “I just wanted to say thank you”, you said. “So I hugged him. Isn´t that normal?”

“Yea, of course it is”, she said overly obvious. “Just not for him!”

You turned around. “Why not?”, you asked confused. Tonks was at the brink of losing it. She didn’t know how much you knew, but she bet, that Sirius had not told you everything yet. Of course not. You have only known the man for about two days.

“Let´s just say he is not a very affectionate person usually”, she said solemnly. “At least most of the time. That´s why it was quite surprising seeing him returning a hug so….lovingly.”

Lovingly…you grinned and started to put away your things. “You know,” you hesitated for a moment feeling the grin turn stony. “I wasn´t planning on hugging him like this.” Tonks looked at you with a side smirk and a quirked eyebrow as if to say, really? “I didn´t have a very loving upbringing either. He told me, you know…about what his mom and dad did,” you said and a wave of lava hot acid made its way up your throat. “ My Mom died when I was born and Dad never got over it.” You shrugged. “I´m sure most of the time he actually did try to be affectionate but it was definitely not enough for a child to feel wanted.” Tonks´s head had tilted ever so slightly while watching you intently. You had seen a similar behaviour in Sirius before. “I moved out as soon as I could and he hasn´t tried to make contact since. I guess this is an answer to my life long question as well.”

You didn´t mean for the tears to come. It always happened when you dug into your abandonment issues, when the thought of being loved genuinely shook you to your bones. And at the same time, it is all you wished. Somehow you knew that this also was a connection to the handsome, witty man downstairs. You turned to Tonks with a smile about to apologise for darkening the mood when she stood abruptly and took your face between her hands. She looked at you with a light sheen in her eyes and whispered. “Thank you for telling me. You don´t have to worry about being alone. There´s always people in this house, now that it is Headquarters”. She grinned and hugged you tight. You laughed lightly and just enjoyed the sensation for the second time that day. When she let go she started helping you put the rest of your things away she continued with a more chipper tone in her voice. “Besides,” you could hear the grin. “Even if you did get lonely, I´m sure Sirius will gladly take your mind off it. Never seen him so smitten with someone.” She leaned against the dresser and thoroughly enjoyed the flushed state of your face. “He´s certainly something else”, you giggled. “I…I enjoy his company. Not just the magical stuff”, you added quickly. “He has that aura of…I don´t know how to put it. He cares so deeply about everyone and yet sometimes I see pure fear rolling off of him. I want…I want to….”, you sighed heavily. “I want to know what causes that so I can…I don´t even know. I just know that seeing him like this hurts.” Tonks smiled fondly at you. “He had a very hard time for a long while. I´m sorry, I am not the one who should tell you the story. But I´m sure, seeing how he acts with you, if you were to ask him what happened, he will probably tell you. Maybe not all of it but…what you need to know.” You were not sure if you would ask him anytime soon. He seemed happy in the moments you shared with him so far. He would tell you when he was ready. Right?

_____________________________________________________________

Back in the kitchen you were introduced to many, many more people. You didn´t even attempt to remember all their names. And although you already knew that Molly and Arthur had a big family, you did not expect that many teenagers around. You saw Sirius and a young man with black, tussled hair talking at the far end of the kitchen. They stood close together and seemed to have a bit of a moment. Sirius was smiling fondly at the teen and you could suddenly feel warmth spread in your belly. The light of the fireplace behind them danced across Sirius´ cheekbones, highlighting their sharpness and the swirl of grey in his eyes. A little too late you noticed that the young man had disappeared and those same grey eyes were laser focused on you. Heat injected itself in your every vein but looking away seemed impossible. As if the other people in the kitchen did not exist, the moment seemed to stretch for minutes. A smile tucked on his lips. Not a cocky one, but a... loving one? It was different from the one he gave the boy just moments before and you would do anything to see it on his face on the daily. You tried to smile back and before you knew it your feet started moving on their own.

You made your way over to him like you were in a trance only knowing that you had to be closer. His smile still in place, his eyes seemed to change for only a short moment. Looking a bit startled, then hopeful, then settled for an almost triumphant glint as his smile changed to a small smirk. There it was, the playful ego you had come to enjoy so much. When you were right in front of him you noticed your own smile. His head was tilted downwards towards you. Did his eyes just flick to your mouth? The haze was gone and with a limb shake of your hand you gestured towards the room. “Quite the party you are having”, you said in a bit of a breezy voice. He straightened up with a laugh and you already missed the closeness of his face. Wait, what?

“Well, there is an Order Meeting after Dinner so…not exactly a party I´d say.” He guided you to the same place on the table that you had sat in before, right next to him. Not yet sitting down though he asked, “So, I think you just about met everyone important. Any questions?” With a scoff that turned into a giggle you said “Oh, you mean questions like, why are there so many teenagers in an Order that is about to fight dark wizards?”

“They are not in the Order, they´ll leave after dinner.” Gods, his grin was attractive. With his jaw parted his canines stood out beautifully. “Okey,” you said in a challenging tone, propping your hip against the table. Sirius´ full body turned to you, you were distracted for a couple of seconds by the aura of playful authority he exuded. You liked it, you liked it a lot. What was it with people telling you he usually wasn´t like this?

“Mr. Jigsaw-face over there. What happened to him? Where is the rest of his nose?” Sirius tried to cover a snort looking down at the table with an effort not to cackle. “Yeah, figured you would notice that. That is Alastor Moody.” He looked over to the man pointedly. “We call him Mad-Eye. For obvious reasons.” “Obvious”, you stated with a nod. Sirius grinned again leaning in a little more. You couldn´t help it. Your own body moving, your heads were so close. This time, he definitely looked at your lips for a moment and the hairs on your arms stood up straight. “He is an Auror. Remember when we told you about those?” he said in a low voice. Gods, you could feel that timber vibrating in your ears sending waves of lightning through your body. You nodded your head quickly. “Good,” he said. “Losing parts of you kind of comes with the job when you are as good as him. And, darling”, he leaned even closer. His mouth now directly above your ear. Your mouth went dry. Heart hammering in your chest you whished desperately to be alone with him in this moment. Being able to touch him without a room full of people watching. Calm down, clam down. “You might want to reconsider that nickname you gave him. He heard you.” With a satisfied grin he took a step back and was positively beaming at the fact that he managed to fluster you this much. With a panicked expression you whipped your head towards Alastor Moody. He had his mismatched face turned only partly to you. One side of his mouth lifted, it looked like a smirk. You weren´t sure if it was directed at you though. Matter for fact was, he was highly engaged in a conversation with Tonks. How would´ve he been able to hear you? Magic, duh. You idiot. With still red cheeks you turned back to Sirius giving him a stern look. “You are enjoying this way too much”, you grumbled. He hung his head a little bit stroking his neck with a tattooed hand. “Not going to lie to you, sweetheart. Yes, yes I am. I hope you can forgive an old dog for trying to see all there is to you.” Swallowing hard, you let out a breath. “I have one more question”, you said with a forcefully light voice. Sirius perked up. “What´s up with Captain Grease-balls behind you? He´s been staring daggers at your back for a while now.”

Sirius didn´t have to turn around to know who you were talking about. His eyes immediately went ice cold as he slightly turned his head to shoot Severus Snape a death glare. His whole body went stiff and when he turned around with a sour expression you wished you hadn´t said anything. “He´s no one”, he growled. “Just a pain in everyone´s arse that has the displeasure of knowing him.” Wowza…Sirius was downright irritated now and you did not like this look on him at all. Without thinking you stretched out your arm and carefully touched his elbow. Within a fleeting second Sirius´ eyes darted to yours and he visibly relaxed. An almost incredulous expression on his face, he stared at you. “Hey,” you said trying to sound cheerful. “I didn´t know you disliked him so much. I´m sorry I mentioned him.” You let go of his arm again but he wouldn´t have it. In a motion that almost copied yours, he raised his arm and his knuckles brushed your cheek. Once, twice, lingering. His eyes once again a liquid silver looked at you with so much warmth you felt like your chest expanded tenfold.

Behind you, Molly cleared her throat with an almost non visible smile, indicating for everyone to take their seats. Flushed, you sat down on the chair that Sirius once again pulled out for you. His own expression nothing short of elated as he sat down at the head of the table. Across from you sat one of Mollies twins. Was it Fred? Eying you with interest. He was just about to open his mouth when: “Shut it, kid”. Sirius looked Fred right in the eyes. He wasn´t hostile at all but the authority with which he said those words sent very different vibrations towards your nether regions. By all that is holy and good, control yourself. Fred of course understood and leaned back in his seat sending you a cheeky wink. Oh boy.

As always dinner was incredibly delicious. Looking around the table and seeing all these new characters, deep in conversation or friendly bickering, a feeling of something you were not really familiar with made its way into your heart. When the plates were cleared, wine had warmed your belly and mushed your brain a little you had spent the whole time conversing with Sirius. He was more than willing to engage in all the questions about the guests that you still had. You had a pretty good idea now how everyone was either related, friends or foes (though there was only one Sirius considered to be at the wrong place). You were pretty surprised when he told you about the fact that he was the godfather to Harry. You had a few questions about this part but didn´t want to push further. You could see that there was more too it. A lot more. Not exactly a conversation to be had at the dinner table. So, to the thankful look of Sirius, you accepted the information and focused your attention on other topics. Your head was leaned on your palm, elbow on the table looking at Sirius as he told you about Hippogryphs. Suddenly Moody stood up and in a gravelly voice boomed across the table. “All right! Everyone under age, out. Now! Before I hex you!” Grumbling under their breaths and sour expressions on their faces, the teenagers exited the kitchen.

You knew that the meeting for the order was about to start and were about to stand from the table when you heard a sneering, oily voice drifting from a few seats down. “Don´t just address the children, Moody. There are far more useless individuals still remaining seated at this table”. You froze mid stand just as Sirius´ fist hit the worn table. Your head darted from the man named Snape who had made the snide comment to an already livid Sirius. “The only reason you are allowed at this table, Snivellus, is the fact that Albus trusts you. You best not forget that the next time you decide to insult my guests,” he spat. His voice was laced with so much distain, you wondered what side of Sirius you have yet to get to know. You just hoped you would never be on the receiving end of that voice, body language and sheer hatred in his eyes.

Snape on the other hand had an almost satisfied look on his face and you immediately knew what he was doing. You disliked him all the more for it. “At least I am allowed to leave this table after the meeting, Black”, he sneered with a dirty smile on his lips. “Or better yet, leave this house. Can´t say the same about you now, can we? How much of your remaining sanity have you lost now that you are trapped in here instead of-“.

The sheer amount of energy bursting from several people at the same time made you move back from the table as quickly as you could. With a loud Bang, Sirius´ chair hit the ground as he started to leap across the table. Only held back a second later by Remus who had a fierce look on his face, directed at Snape. Tonks and Bill Weasley both started to shout at the same time. Although not as loud as Sirius. “One more word out of your mouth and I swear, Snivellus, I will end you!”

“Enough Sirius, don´t let him get to you.”

“He almost...”

“ I know, I know” Remus was dragging Sirius backwards who gave him a look of pure fury.

“He´s doing this on purpose, you know that!”

You were still standing pressed against the countertop of the kitchen. Remus let go of Sirius who took a few deep breaths. Moody who had watched the whole scene, discreetly let his wand disappear back into his waistcoat again and croaked. “In the hopefully likely event of you lot acting like adults again, can we just start the meeting?!” Snape lifted his palms and sunk back into his chair. Tonks was still glaring at him with an ice cold expression and, as you just noticed fire red hair.

Your main focus however was on Sirius. He didn´t seem to be able to look at you and that scared you more than you thought it would. You wished with all your might and a stuttering heart that he would lift his head and look you in the eyes the way he had been before.

“Ms.____”. You jumped and turned to Moody. “Not to be rude but Albus told us only so much about your person. I don´t think these meetings are of any interest to you.”

You blinked. “No, no of course”, you said hastily. “I was actually about to leave.” At this Sirius´ head snapped up.

“Much appreciated Ms.___”, Moody said and nodded his head. You turned and headed for the stairs. Along the way Molly mouthed a Sorry to you and touched your arm briefly. When you took the first two steps however, a strong hand wrapped itself around your wrist. You knew who it was. Even while you turned around you could feel the tingle on your skin where he touched you. He looked up at you and your heart squeezed uncomfortably in your chest. Oh no. No, this is not what you wanted to see. Ever!

Fear. Fear was etched into every line on his face. His eyes held a pleading look, almost panicked. “Don´t leave”, he whispered. “Please.” What you heard before and his reaction now, you connected the dots. You knew what he meant. You turned your palm so your hand was holding onto his firmly when you said: “Sirius, I am not leaving the house. Please, trust me. I will be in the library until you are done, yeah?” You tried to sound as warm as possible. His shoulders relaxed just a little bit before he rushed out in a still hasted manner: “I…I have answers, I swear. Please, let me-“

“Sirius”, you said squeezing his hand. “It´s all right. Do what is important now. You can give me answers if you want me to have them. But I need you to know that you don´t have to. I can see how this….situation affects you. I don´t want to be the reason for your discomfort.”

He stared at you. Slowly, very slowly the worry ebbed from his face and was replaced by a heated and fierce look. Without hesitation he lifted your hand to his mouth and set a hard, lingering kiss to your knuckles. When he let go of your hand and whirled around to re-join the meeting, you did the same and with a hammering pulse and rushing in your ears. You took two steps at the time until you closed the door on top of the stairs behind you.

You stood there for a minute trying to sort your feelings. The look you had just witnessed on Sirius´ face was something you never wanted to see again. You didn´t know what happened to him or why he was supposedly not allowed to leave his childhood home that he distained so much. No matter the reasons, Snape was out of line to throw it in his face like this. Anger suddenly replaced part of your confusion and you clenched and unclenched your fists. While ascending the stairs to the library you thought about all the other feelings that swirled inside of you. There was no denying anymore that this man stirred something in you that was way beyond mere affection. You wanted to see him happy. Grinning, smiling at you and talking for hours. What was even more confusing to you was what happened in the kitchen prior to Snapes outburst. His fleeting touches, the intense looks…So there was another way you were attracted to him. It´s not that attraction was new to you, you have had your fair share of meaningless hook ups but that´s just what they had been. Meaningless. Satisfying one time, deeply disappointing the other. You had never though met a man that got under your skin like Sirius did. Never had you felt such excitement from simple touches or actually buzzed with it thinking about his lips on your skin. This was new. But you couldn´t say that you disliked it. Quite the contrary actually. Whatever it was that he wouldn´t tell you yet, you knew you could wait. You´ve seen how much it haunted him so you would not be the one to pull this information out of him with demands. Entering the library you only had one short moment telling yourself that you would not push him for answers before a blast send you screeching into the air.

Behind the couches and in front of the fireplace that was lit stood Fred and George, wands drawn and with very satisfied looks on their faces. As soon as they heard you screeching, they turned to you. Along with the other four. “So, they kicked you out as well?” George said as he put his wand down and waved his hand in a welcoming manner towards you.

“Uhm…”, you said hesitantly. “Yeah, no. Not exactly.” The girl named Ginny raised an eyebrow. “Well yes or no? What is it?”, she asked with a light chuckle. Your eyes darted between her and the others. Suddenly you felt nervous. Picking up on this the girl named Hermione came over to you extending her hand. “It´s nice to meet you. Please, have a seat with us.” With a small smile you joined them in one of the old chairs. “So, how come you are up here?”, asked Ron Weasley. “Because she is a Muggle, you daft Bowtruckle”, Fred said with an eyeroll towards his brother. You could see Harry smirk slightly from the corner of your eye. Apparently Ron saw it more clearly and smacked him across the back of his head. Seeing how Harry only chuckled and rubbed his head your nerves kind of calmed down.

“Well, actually”, you said, “Moody only asked me to leave after that guy Snape couldn´t keep his mouth shut.” A bitter undertone mixed itself into your voice. At this, all six young wizards gave a chorus of what?, what did he say? That miserable git, did he insult you? All of them had either affronted, furious features etched to their faces or rolled their eyes with exasperation. You shrugged. “Yeah, he might have called me useless but,” you slumped into the chair a bit more and with a sour taste in your mouth that was surely visible on your face you continued. “He was more focused on riling up Sirius. With success I´m afraid.”

At this you could see Harrys expression harden and suddenly he didn´t look like a 15 year old boy at all. “What happened?”, he asked calmly but you could see his jaw tick. It was apparent that Harry cared about his godfather very much and you warmed up to the boy even more because of it. You looked at him directly and explained what happened. You might not have repeated word for word what Snape had said or was trying to indicate but your first feeling was quite right. The teenagers were affronted enough about the fact that Snape had stepped out of line.

“Not that this would be a rare occurrence for him”, Ginny said. “He and Sirius don´t get along at all.” All of them nodded in unison. Though you did notice the nervous glance from Hermione towards Harry and Ron. Deciding not to probe further, you asked Fred what that blast was that spooked you when you entered. As it turns out, young wizards were even more eager to tell Muggles all about the magic that they knew than Remus or Sirius were. Although when it came to performing said Magic, only Fred and George were apparently allowed to use it outside of school. That didn´t hinder Hermione however to tell you all about the Magic and Theories behind each spell the twins performed. Two hours had already gone by when Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny excused themselves to their rooms. When passing you, Harry sent you a cautious look followed by a quiet “Good night,__”. You smiled at him and wished him the same.

Fred and George showed you two more spells (including one that had broccoli sprouting out of Freds ears and had you laughing hysterically) when the doors to the library opened again. A very worn out looking Sirius came slumping towards them and plopped himself onto one of the sofas. Groaning, he threw one arm across his face and leaned back. “Fred, George, would you mind giving us a minute?” He sounded awful. Tired out and on edge at the same time. Your stomach sank. “Whatever you say, boss”, George said and just earned an unamused grunt from the man. They wished you a good night and with two loud cracks just disappeared into thin air. Fascinated you stared at the spot where they vanished. Sirius was sitting up again. Your eyes met. For three long breaths he just…looked at you before he patted the spot beside him lightly. Without hesitation you rose from the chair and sat down beside him, your torso angling towards him. He gave you a tight lipped smile and leaned forward onto his knees. You saw this position before. It seemed so long ago that he told you about the Order, Deatheaters ect. You wondered if he was as scared as he was then. You prompted in doing the same thing you did then. You took his hand in yours and with a humourless laugh he immediately laced his fingers with yours. They weren´t clammy this time. But there was a slight tremor to them.

“I cannot leave this house because I´m a fugitive. Muggles and Wizards alike think I…killed people.” His voice was so quiet. Your stomach sank through the floor. You remembered something you read in a book about…what it´s about to be a prisoner in the wizarding world. You felt your eyes water. Killed people? No, that couldn´t be right. A fleeting voice in your head tried to remind you that you just met this man and technically knew nothing about him. It could be an act. But the stubborn bull inside of you showed you images of the way Harry was looking at him. The way Remus and Tonks interacted with him. You had a feeling that this whole thing was the reason that Remus sometimes looked at him with a sort of regretful expression. You steeled yourself.

“You went to Azkaban?”, you tried to level your voice but thinking about what you read about the place made your throat tighten up. He nodded still holding onto your hand as if it was a lifeline.

“Will you tell me?”, you asked.

“I can´t”, he sounded like a beaten child. His voice higher pitched than it usually was he added, “Not everything. Please understand. I…You wouldn´t…” Your arms were around him the same moment his voice gave up on him. With shaking shoulders he buried his head into your shoulder. It was a bit of an awkward position but you would be damned if you let him go now. Your hand lifted to his hair and tried to soothe him by stroking his scalp. His arms only tightened around you. He didn´t make a sound, just shaking shoulders and hands. You tried to shift a little to avoid your leg from falling asleep and he noticed.

With a mumbled “Fuck it”, into your neck his hands landed on your waits and pulled you across his legs. Still holding onto him you situated your legs and bum on his lap. So many emotions hung between you in the air, you had to take a moment and rested your chin on his head, arms around his neck. You were pretty sure in this position he could definitely feel the racing pulse at the side of your neck. If he did, he didn´t comment on it. He held you as you did him. Breathing, calming, reassuring. By the time both of you calmed down a little you were the most comfortable you had ever been. He smelled so good it almost took inhuman strength not to burry your nose in his hair and inhaling deeply. When he lifted his head from your shoulder and looked slightly up at you, your heart was already making summersaults again. “I will tell you what´s important”, he swallowed. “I will tell you what you need to know but…some of it I can´t tell you…yet. It doesn´t really matter anyway. What matters is that you know, that it wasn´t me.” He looked you deeply in the eyes when he said that.

“I was falsely convicted and the truth only came out two years ago. But seeing as my escape from prison did not exactly go as planned, I am still stuck here. My name is not cleared yet.” And then, with one or two questions from you in between more details came to light. He did not tell you why he was imprisoned in the first place and you didn´t push. Maybe he was right and you weren´t ready at all to hear. But what you did believe, was the fact that he was innocent. There was no way someone like Molly Weasley would allow a convicted murderer near her children. Tonks was way too pure of a heart to interact with Sirius if his incarceration was legitimate. No, no this man did nothing wrong. The world did him wrong in many ways. One thing though raked your mind so with a big breath you asked him in a timid voice. “Azkaban…with these Deplemtors”, Sirius heaved a very dry laugh. “….How bad was it?” One of his arms lifted from your waist and you thought he was about to let go completely. His warmth around you was so comforting, thinking about not being close to him in the next moment let your blood run ice cold. But that´s not what happened. A warm palm encased the side of your face and with slight pressure Sirius guided you towards him. Fluttering your eyes closed you thought you would pass out for a moment. All you could think about was the fact, that you were about to finally feel his lips where you had wished them the most. But again, that is not what happened. With a sigh, he connected your foreheads and whispered “Look at me, please”.

When you opened your eyes your breath caught in your throat. You never thought you would be the recipient of a look that was so intense like the one he was giving you now. His features were soft and calm but his eyes told a story of longing and undeniable fondness. It almost made you dizzy. But you held his gaze.

“You are way too good to know what this place can do to a person”, he said in a gravelly voice. His breath ghosted over your lips and it took all the willpower you had in you not to lean in. “Please, Sirius”, you whispered. “Just let me know…so I can understand you better. Dumbledore brought me to you for a reason. And I know we have only met a short time ago but”, you closed your eyes. “I appreciate your trust in me to let me know what had happened. Now please, trust me a little more. Just a little.” And as though it was the most natural thing, you lifted your head from his and placed a small, delicate kiss to his forehead. A strangled sound came from his throat and his hands fisted your pullover.

“Imagine a place where happiness and hope do not exist”, he forced out. “A never ending streak of despair that you cannot escape. Dementors quite literally suck all the happiness and fond memories right out of your heart and leave you with nothing. You eventually end up an empty shell, breathing, existing but not living.” With every word he spoke your heart reached out for his more and more. An overwhelming sense of protectiveness overcame you as you pressed yourself even closer to him. “I cannot imagine,” you tried to console him but he gave a humourless chuckle and detached himself slightly from you to look at you once more. “No, you can´t. And that is the last thing I would want for you. I already said too much. I want for you to be comfortable…with me”, he said in an unsure voice. “I am!”, you assured him quickly. The first real, genuine smile etched itself on his lips. “Good”, he said. “I don´t really understand why exactly but”, he pinned you with a look seeing as you were about to protest, “ I will take whatever I can get. I´d love to be selfish this way.” “I´d love for you to be selfish this way”, you replied with a smile of your own. Again your foreheads found each other and you took a couple of moments to marvel in your new found trust and genuine fondness for one another. “It´s late”, he said hesitantly. “Allow me to bring you to your room.” You grinned. “Is this going to be a tradition now?” You tried to lighten the mood again with a carefree tone, not yet believing how much you would actually love it, if it came to be one. He chuckled while standing up, gliding you from his lap in a fluid motion. Gods, how you already missed his scent all around you.

He seemed to feel the same. His hands were still on your waist when he cleared his throat. With a small wink he extended his hand instead of his arm and you took it instantly. In comfortable silence you ascended the stairs to the second floor and again, stopped in front of your door. “Thank you,” you said. “For letting me know more about you”. He smiled. “As I said. Sooner or later I will tell you everything there is to it. As long as you are willing to listen. Just trust in me to know when the best time for that to happen is.” You nodded. “Thank you, darling.”

Closing the distance once more, he took your face in his hands and ghosted his lips against your head. You swore he could feel the waves of extasy emitting from your body. You practically vibrated the moment his lips reached your cheek. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, please. Seemingly fighting with himself as well he opted und pecking the tip of your nose, retreating with a smirk on his face. For some reason that dampened your excitement for the slither of a second. He dropped the smirk almost immediately almost looking ashamed. He caught himself and carefully stroked your cheek once again. “Good night,___. And thank you again.”

“Sleep well, Sirius. I´ll see you in the morning.” He smiled again, contently. “Yeah, yeah you will, love.”

Back in bed you tried to wrap your head around everything that happened. And though so many more feeling came to the surface today, the one that clearly stood out to you was the one of happiness. The happiness you felt when Sirius confided in you though it was probably one of the harder things he had to do since you arrived. For you that could only mean one thing. You didn´t just care for Sirius. You were already falling deeply for him. And for once, the thought to be in love didn´t scare you. Curious what the next day would bring, you turned on your side and stuck your nose in the pullover that you had been wearing. Sirius´ scent still lingering on it.

In his respective room Sirius sat on the bed, head in his hands almost panting. What just happened? What had possessed him to get this close to this woman? The overwhelming feeling he got whenever she opened her mouth was something he had not felt in this intensity ever. He thought that feeling would scare him more. But when Snape had made his comment the sheer panic he felt was enough to trigger memories of Azkaban. He didn´t know what he did for this woman to be so patient and understanding with him. Whatever it was, he would make sure that she was safe, that she never felt alone or unwanted. If that meant he had to punch Snivellus´ hooked nose right into his skull, he would do so. Gladly. His hammering heart made it a bit difficult to get irritated by the thoughts of that greasy haired piece of dragon dung.

Sure, Sirius knew what love was. He´s seen it in Lily and James. Even James´ parents. But he couldn´t remember the last time his lips had tingled this bad after only kissing someone’s cheek. If the Dementors hadn´t almost erased all capability of feeling affection, he was pretty sure he would have attacked your lips the moment your foreheads had touched. Hesitation made its way into his heart however.

This woman took him apart piece by piece. These feelings she invoked in him had nothing to do with a school crush. So stop acting like a cocky teenager, damnit. Don´t smirk like you knew this would happen. For Godrics´ sake, you are lucky she is still here. You should kiss the ground she walks on. He sighed deeply but couldn´t help the smile that appeared on his face. Running his hand over his face he almost felt feather light. Merlin’s beard, when was the last time he felt like that. He allowed himself to embrace it. As he was about to fall asleep he thought to himself, if this wonderful being sleeping right above him continued to be this generous to him, next time he would not have a single chance to hold back. If they came that close again, he was sure the urge to kiss her would be non-manageable.

____________________________________________________________

Okeeyyy I think we are getting somewhere. Let me know if you liked it so far. There are some more parts waiting so I would really appreciate it if you could interact with this post :) If you also want to be tagged in the next one, let me know in the comments.

@twilightlover2007

#sirius black #post azkaban sirius #slow burn #sirius orion black #harry potter #remus lupin #nymphadora tonks #ootp #order of the phoenix #eventual smut #angst #fluff

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hypegirl1 · 1 year

Note

Mind doing a Angst Rodrick x Reader?

I feel like hes a really angsty guy in the sense of he doesnt know how any relationship works. Child bsf troupe, growing up and getting a crush on him its constantly going on and off with how much of a douche he is. then at the end he starts realizing it and boom somehow together idk lol

Sour Texts(Rodrick Heflley X Fem! reader)

AN:I was so excited to write my first request stop,I LOVED writing this.Keep those requests going guys,I have nothing better to do😭 I loved the idea ty! I hope you enjoy it! ^^

Summary:Your 8th friendship anniversary with Rodrick arrives,you're both very happy about it,even though you always felt something else for him,or maybe not? Genre:Angs,fluff

Warnings:Language

Word count:935

"Y/N,hurry,I wanna go home!"

"Lily just wait a second!I have to choose a good gift for Rodrick"

"He´s not even like your boyfriend,why are you so worried about choosing a good gift?"

"That´s-"

Thta´s the last thing I wanted to hear today..."he´s not your boyfriend".No,Rodrick is not,but sometimes I wish he was,and sometimes I wish not to,he´s very cute,very funny and talented,but oh gosh,I don´t think he would be the ideal boyfriend,I mean...maybe yes,but he´s very lazy,kinda gross sometimes tho,and he´s not that smart,and that´s the problem. He has the perfect percentage of good and bad stuff about him,it´s a 50/50,since we were childhood friends,my feelings for him always came and then went away,because of all of this,and I can´t say if I hate it or love it.

"That´s nonsense Lily,we´ve been childhood friends since we were 9,I literally got us tickets for Olivia Rodrigo on your birthday,how come you say that I shouldn´t think that much about a good gift for him?"

"Well that´s different Y/N,I didn´t asked for those tickets"

"Oh,so you´re trying to say that I shouldn´t have bought them? Fine,I´ll cancel our tickets for her next concert"

"That´s not what I´m trying to say!"

"Haha,come on,don´t be stupid and try to help me find something for him"

"Fineee"

After hours of wandering around,Lily found the perfect gift.

"Y/N look,isn´t this the last album from Artic Monkeys?"

"What?It is!Rodrick has been talking about it nonstop!I should buy it"

And I did,I spent 35$ on it,damn,he better like it...After all the shopping we did,we both went home and I waited til next day to give Rodrick his gift,I wrapped it very delicately,sent him a text before going to his house saying "be there in 15!".I walked to their house and knocked on their door,waited a few seconds til Susan opened the door.

"Y/N sweetie,it´s nice to see you,what are you doing here?"

"Uhm well,it´s me and Rodrick´s 8th friendship anniversary,I came to give him his gift"

"Oh,well he´s at the garage with his band,come in"

"Thanks..."

Why was he having a rehearsal with the band?It was our anniversay,we usually reservate this day to spend it together...I could hear the music from the other side of the door,knocked and entered,omg,this was going to be embarrasing...

"Rodrick?"

"Y/N! Well hey there,what are you doing here?What´s that you got there?"

"Rodrick,can you come outside,I need to talk to you in private please..."

"Uhh,sure"

I closed the door,and that´s when I lost myself

"What the fuck is wrong with you Rodrick?!"

"What?What are you talking about Y/N?!"

"What I´m talking about?!Today is our 8th friendship anniversary Rodrick!I literally texted you 15 minutes ago telling you I´ll be here!"

"You did?I-didn´t heard my phone,sorry..."

"No,it´s not just sorry,I´m tired of you and this shit,you never remember anything!You forgot my birthday,twice!You never give me back the favors I give you,I´m always saving you at school for getting grounded for not doing your homework,I´m sick of it,I´m sick of loving you!"

"You-what?..."

"I like you Rodrick!Alright?Or I don´t know,the whole time I´ve known you my feelings always leave and the come back because of this kind of stuff!And I hate it!"

"Well I´m sorry for not being the best friend you can ever ask for!Sorry for not knowing how relationships or friendshis work! how was I even supposed to know if you liked me?! If I knew it I could have changed!"

"How-how were you supposed to know?!Are you really asking me that?! What about ALL those fucking texts I send you telling you how much I love you and appreciate you,how much I never want us to fall appart,I literally asked you to be my valentine,to spend christmas and halloween and the 4th of july with me,I bought us matching t-shirts,the other day I sent you a text telling you that I liked you!But not just once,I sent you those texts more than 100 times!"

"I thought you meant all those stuff as friends!"

"No! I didn´t! Do I have to be more obvious?! I hate that I love you because-"

"Because I´m not perfect?!"

"What?No Rodrick,I- I´m not asking you to be perfect,that´s stupid,no one is perfect"

"Well it looks like that´s what you want"

"No Rodrick,I- I just want someone to spend time with,that remembers important dates and stuff,that knows how to show love..."

"I´m sorry Y/N,I´ve been acting stupid this whole time,I just- don´t know how this stuff works"

"Well,we can work on that by now on,what do you think?"

"I´d love that"

I was blushing so hard,I admit that even though we argued we fixed it,and that´s a start,fixing things.

"What is that you have?"

"Oh...this was my gift for you for our 8th friendship anniversary,It´s the last album from Artic Monkeys..."

"Really?!"

"Yeah,here,open it"

"Y/N I-thank you,how about we start again and I compensate you all of the stuff I didn´t do?"

"As friends?"

"As more than friends"

"Yes,I´d love that..."

#rodrick x reader #diary of a wimpy kid #doawk #request #request done

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just-sonic-things · 10 months

Text

Something Going On in Green Hill (Part 1)

T//W: Child Abuse

(I will place a text cut where it takes place. Only read past there if you can.)

Shadow's POV:

It was my first day at this rustic looking high school and I was already a bit hesitant to even make an effort to socialize. Instead, I just put on my headphones through a good chunk of the day, except in classes. Even then, raising my hand to answer questions I actually knew would've been a terrible idea it seems. Everyone here seems to make fun of you for being smart, unless it benefits them in some way. Not sure why being "dumb" is a popular thing, but I guess it is. I got sent to the Guidance Counselor to get my locker assignment and an assignment notebook for the school to write down assignments and all that junk. Turns out, it's also a Hall Pass of sorts. You get the teacher to sign it out for you before you leave the room. Kind of frivolous that we need to do that in the first place, but whatever.

It wasn't long before we got to my least favorite subject of the day: History. It was almost always boring for me, since I never really see any sort of practical applications for it, other than knowing how catastrophically we all messed up. Oh well, time for me to just sort of zone out for a moment or two. I sense myself drifting off before I see someone sitting in front of me. He's got long, red dreadlocks and is talking to a blue hedgehog boy. The dreadlocked echidna looks toward me and gives an awkward smile. I reciprocate. "Sorry" I apologize, looking away from him. He nods and goes back to his idle chit chat with the other hedgehog boy.

After class was over, I shuffled to my locker to put my unneeded books away. Of course, right across from me was that same boy with the long, red dreadlocks. They cascaded down his back seemingly effortlessly, and I was admiring their neatness for a moment. I turned back to my locker and grabbed my remaining notebooks. English and Biology. Biology was at least easy for me, so there wasn't any worries in that regard. I trudged on to class while listening to music again. As soon as I sat in my seat... There he was. He walked into the same class as me. Did... Did we share more than one class?

Knuckles' POV:

There was that boy again! Black and red quills, perfectly styled and everything. He had on what would be considered as "Emo clothes", so a few of my dickhead friends were already making fun of him. I decided I wanted to be nice to this new kid and sat down next to him this time. I faced him, and he looked a little skittish. But I think he warmed up to me fairly quick.

"Hey there. Name's Knuckles. I'm one of the more... 'Popular' kids. Whatever that means, right? And you are?" I ask, extending the invitation for him to speak.

"... Shadow. Good to meet you, Knuckles" Shadow says with a weak smile. "I think 'Popular' means that you're well liked enough for people to not make fun of you or somethin'" he says, finishing his trail of thought.

I smile a bit at Shadow. He seems to lower any sort of hostility or suspicion by now and just sits by me quietly. I notice that whenever he's not taking notes or answering the teacher's questions, he's doodling in his notebook. They were actually really decent drawings as well. I asked him if he's ever taken an art course, and he nods. "Your art's really good!" I say enthusiastically. He blushes a little and flashes a... Handsome smile to me. I blush as well. Damn it, this boy was kind of cute. Well, now I had to get to know him a little bit.

"This may seem kinda random, but what lunch period do you have today?" I ask.

"Lunch 2. Why?" Shadow asks.

"Oh nice! Me too! We should find each other and sit together. Talk, just the two of us, perhaps?" I ask.

Shadow blushes a little, clearly off guard. He croaks out "Sure" and now after this class, I had that to look forward to. Biology felt like it couldn't go any freaking slower than it was right now. I smelt Shadow's cologne, and it was all too enticing. I don't know what scent he had on but damn it, I felt like I wanted to just throw myself at him. But alas, that would be frowned upon.

FINALLY, the bell rang.

Shadow's POV:

Why did Knuckles want to sit with me of all people? Why was he staring at me the way that he was in Bio class? Whatever the matter, I sat down at a seat closest to a window with my homemade lunch. Mom always knew what to put in to make my day. A nice turkey and cheese club with some chips, fruit snacks and water. Knuckles came walking to my table with the school lunch and sat down right next to me. He seemed rather... Excited to sit with me. He was grinning a bit, as he asked me if I brought that lunch from home. "Yes. It's all mine" I teased, making him fake pout. I giggled... Damn it, he's kind of cute. I sigh and relent, giving him some chips and fruit snacks as compensation for giving me company. Knuckles smiles at me and thanks me. We talk about school stuff for a while, before we start getting into the nitty gritty of life stuff.

"So, I'm a football player. Linebacker to be specific. Also do cross country. Thinking of signing up for any clubs or sports?" Knuckles asks, taking a bite of his food.

"Nice. I'll have to go to one of your games" I tease, making him nudge my arm playfully. "I may sign up for Drama actually. Something about it just calls to me" I say, playfully fluffing up my quills.

"Then I'll just have to go to one of your shows. I bet you'll be great" Knuckles replies, wrapping a friendly arm around me.

After lunch was over, I went to the Guidance Counselor, asking how I could sign up for the Drama club. He smiled at me and handed me a clipboard that was only so full. Of course, there were a bunch of girls names on there, with maybe 2 or 3 other guys. I put mine on there, and the counselor told me that the Drama teacher was an incredible director and teacher & that I was in good hands.

Once school ended, I went home. Mom wasn't home yet, so it was just me and my dad. He was on the couch watching a wrestling match. As soon as he heard me walk through the door, he asked me how my first day at school was.

"I made a new friend, so I guess it went well enough" I reply.

"That's great! Who is he?" my dad asks excitedly.

"Knuckles. Knuckles the Echidna-"

"The football kid?! Holy shit. That IS good news. Keep up being friendly with him and you'll pretty much have an easy ride through school!" my dad replied, interrupting my train of thought.

I ask my dad how he knows Knuckles and how he knew he was in football. My dad told me that Knuckles was in football for as long as 7th grade. He knew because the 8th grade coach was a good friend of his and they'd go for drinks together. They'd talk about football and the kids they thought could go Pro & Knuckles' name kept coming up.

Later that night... Dad wasn't so friendly though. At the dinner table, I told my parents that I was signed up for Drama club. He slammed his fists down on the table. "First it was Dance, now THIS? No way. No son of mine is gonna be some 'Theatre Kid'" he said angrily. "I will if it makes me happy" I muttered. My dad has a tendency to have an explosive temper. So, with my food still piping hot, he sent me up to my room with no dinner for the night... After slapping me across the face a few times. While I cried, he yelled, "You DARE disrespect me?!"

I charged up to my room after he yelled at me to do so & slammed the door. Then he came up to me again and... Punched me.

"You wanna slam doors like that?! You'll do that when you move into a place of your own. Not in MY house" he said threateningly.

"I... HATE YOU" I scream.

"I HATE YOU TOO. YOU THINK I WANTED TO HAVE YOU?" my dad screamed in reply.

For some reason, this time around when he said it, it REALLY hurt me. Perhaps it was the punch that he already landed to me but I started to cry once he shut the door. I just tried to dress the black eye, but it was causing some pain. My mom helped me later on and expressed her anger toward my dad.

"He should never lay his hands on you like that. I swear, I am so done with him" My mom said in a hissing sort of tone. She asked me if I'd like to live with her, since she's the one who paid for the house. I smiled and hugged her, saying that would be wonderful. She smiled back and rustled through my quills in such a way. I.. Purred softly. It felt relieving. She giggled and told me that she was already talking to a lawyer, but tonight's incident was just pushing her further. She and I talked more before she left my room to let me sleep.

Part 2: ( Here )

Part 3: ( Here )

#sonic fanfiction #knuckles x shadow #knuckles the echidna #shadow the hedgehog

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stormyoceans · 2 years

Note

Hello, did you miss me? Camboy Talay makes his comeback (without high heat because today i hope to damage your mental health with affection and a little whiff of despression. Tell me if i managed to do it). This is still my personal headcanon, can`t wait to know what you think about it, Monica. Hope you`ll enjoy.

Now, dear tumblr user anisthasiazewior, please accept my permission to write a camboy puentalay fic, the mere thought of anyone else enjoying all of this delights me to no end. I will enjoy reading your fic. But also know that I'm still going to write about them in Monica`s asks from time to time, as I do now. I don`t want to stop yet.

***

Puen felt lonely.

He was familiar with the feeling, but sometimes, when he was surrounded by crowds of people, like now, it made it even worse. He could have conversation with someone, he could drink, he could dance, he could try to kiss someone, but up to this day nobody managed to make this overpowering loneliness disappear. If he'll manage to make it go into the background and feel like a splinter that you don't know how to pull out, he'll consider this evening was lucky.

He was moving. Walked from the bar to the dance floor, then back to the bar, then approached old acquaintances and started a meaningless conversation, then went to the toilet to look at himself in the mirror, from there he headed for the back door. After making sure that there was no one around, he lit a cigarette. Stood there for a while, inhaling the air, finishing what was in his glass. Then he went back to the bar. Usually this cycle was repeated several times until he got bored or until he got drunk. Then the options could be different, sometimes he drove home, sometimes he took someone with him, sometimes he asked the driver to take him to the lake, then he could sit there all night, or take him to the observation deck oe to the roof. Somewhere where the view would be beautiful and you could look at it as much as you want.

He was in the middle of the circle, standing in the toilet, leaning back against the wall. Opposite hung a long mirror over a row of sinks, and Puen could see the usual solemn expression on his face. He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling like he needed to stay still for a minute.

Someone came into the room. Stopped. Stood there for a moment.

'Are you okay?' - an uncertain voice sounded. Puen opened his eyes. The face that he saw was new, though somehow familiar. He had a good memory, but couldn't remember when they met right now.

'Okay. I just need a minute' - Puen considered to close his eyes again, but familiar face came closer.

'You look like you're going to throw up.' - newcomer took the glass from Puen's hand and put it on the sink.

'Why don't you wash your face? It'll make you feel better.'

To answer, Puen needed a few seconds to collect his thoughts.

'I... have make-up on my face. Expensive make-up. If I wash my face, everything will smudge, and then how will i look?'

'Who cares about this?' - this made Puen froze.

'I mean. I don't think there's one sober person left, no one will notice. And shouldn't expensive make-up wash off perfectly...' - the guy got such an expression on his face as if he really thought about it, but then he shook his head and put his hand on Puen's shoulder.

'So?'

'But you will notice...' - Puen pouted. This whole situation started to amuse him. When was the last time somebody tried to take care of him like that? Usually everyone stopped when he said he was okay, but this guy was persistent.

'Uh... maybe i want to see you without make-up.' - familiar face looked away. Puen smiled.

'If you insist.' - Puen peeled away from the wall and took a couple of hesitant steps to the sinks. He rested his hips on the sink and bent down to wash his face. When he raised his face, the guy was there and washed his hands in the next sink.

'I'm drunker than I thought...' - Puen said slowly, looking at guy's hands under the running water. Elegant wrists, beautiful palms, long fingers. Although, not as long as Puen's though for sure.

'You look better now.' - the guy took a napkin and wiped his hands.

'Do you think so?' - Puen said and turned towards him, still leaning on the sink.

'Yeah, but your face is all wet now. Excuse me...' - the guy took a few napkins and started to carefully wipe water from Puen's face. Puen just stood there and let it be done. He would let this guy do anything right now. He looked at guy's pleasant face, round glasses obscuring the view a little. He would have taken them off.

'Why do you want to take them off?' - the guy looked into Puen's eyes, raising an eyebrow.

'Maybe i want to see you without them.' - preferably in Puen's apartment.

'Um. I've finished. Now we can go.'

'Where do you want to go?'

'Back to the lounge. My friends are waiting for me.'

'Ah..You can go. I'll be fine' - Puen turned back to the mirrors. So he's not alone. That's understandable. Puen suddenly felt like he needed to drink another glass of something.

'Why don't you go with me?' - the guy didn't stop looking at him. He raised his hand and wiped the drops that had fallen from Puen's face onto his neck with his wrist. Puen felt like he wanted to rub his face against this guy's wrist like a cat.

'Why?' - asked Puen in confused voice. - 'Why did you want to take such care of me?' - he didn't expect the words to come out of his mouth.

'Because... because my friend is your fan and she won`t forgive me if I leave you in this condition.'

'I'm perfectly fine.'

'Then you can tell it to her yourself, cmon..' - the familiar face took his hand and gently pulled him along. He didn't walk too fast, sometimes helping Puen if he stumbled.

They reached the table, it was a little away from the crowd, only the waiters and some guests hurriedly passed by. Two people were sitting on a bench on one side. There were an indecent number of glasses and empty bottles on the table.

'Talaaaay, why so looong..' - a girl raised her head from the table and looked at them with displeasure.

Talay. This word evoked only one association in him...

'Look who i met.' - Talay made Puen sit on the empty bench in front of his friends. - 'Didnt you tell me you wanted to hang out with him'

'P'Puen!' - she stood up abruptly in attempt to greet him but lost her balance, so Talay made her to sit down again.

'Nong'Gyo' - Puen smiled and waved at her. He remembered her. They met several times on his fan meetings. Then he saw her in the GGN building and came over to greet her. She explained that she was now working here and was leaving the position as admin of his fan page in order to fulfill her dream, but she was still going to follow his work. After thar, they managed to work together several times. Puen respected her, she was very diligent and very pleasant as a person. So he wasn't against the idea of spending the night with her and her attractive friend.

After Talay made sure Gyo wouldn't get up, he sat down next to Puen.

The person sitting next to Gyo also raised his head from the table.

'Hello, Puen, fancy to meet you here.' - Joe, their other friend, took four empty glasses and started pouring a drink there from one of the bottles.

'Here, friend, drink with me.' - he handed one of the glasses to Puen, but Talay took it first.

'Joe, isn't it enough? You and Gyo were just lying face down on the table.'

'Talay, my sweet Talay, we were just resting our eyes. And can't i drink with my friends? Let's drink one more glass, okay'

Talay clicked his tongue. He put the drink down next to him, picked up another glass and started pouring orange liquid, which he handed to Puen.

'Here, the orange juice we used to mix with vodka.'

'Is there vodka in it?' - Talay just looked at him sceptically and didn't answer before Joe got up and started clinking glasses with everyone.

And the rest of the evening has passed like this. Joe poured everyone from the same bottle, but Talay exchanged his glass of juice (was there vodka or not. Puen couldn't figure out) for Puen`s glass every time.

***

Puen dialed his driver's number. After stumbling their way out of the lounge onto the street, the four of them stood there, waiting for the car.

After drinking several glasses of water and orange juice and eating snacks, Puen felt much better and his head became much clearer. Talay, on the other hand, now needed his support to just stay upright (he wasn't that drunk, but he really wanted to lie down. And because he was so stubborn, and his friends were that drunk, it was now Puen's responsibility to not let him fall asleep on the bare ground).

'We are going to take a ride in P'Puen's limo!' - Gyo laughed happily, the guard supporting her so she wouldnt fall.

'A fucking limo?!' - Talay exclaimed very indignantly into Puen's shoulder, where his face was at the moment.

Driver opened the door and the four of them, with Puen and two guards, put three very drunk employees of the GGN company inside.

There was plenty of room, but Puen sat down near Talay, who immediately dropped his head into Puen's lap. Puen strocked Talay's hair and asked the driver to go slower.

'A limo, Puen..' - mumbled Talay. He seemed very impressed.

'It was a gift from an investor. Wouldn't it be rude if i didn't use it at all?'

'You are just making Bangkok's traffic jams worse.' - Talay took Puen's hand and put it on his hair. - 'Do it again.'

And so they got to Puen's apartment, after making a circle to take Talay's friends home.

They didn't talk about it, but Puen felt that they both didn't want to part. They went up to Puen's apartment. Puen decided to follow past Talay's advice, so they went to the bathroom. They were standing at the sink very close to each other. Puen raised his hands and took off Talay's glasses, carefully putting them aside. Finally, he could admire this lovely face. A cluster of moles on his cheeks, full red lips, almond-shaped eyes - he tried to commit it all in memory.

'You need to wash your face. It'll make you feel better.'

Talay turned around and quickly and messily rinsed his face. His bangs, neck and collar of his shirt were wet.

'Look at you..' - Puen didn't bother to take a towel, he just ran his palms over Talay's cheeks, shaking off the water, and moved them, until his hands were on Talay's neck. Talay took a step forward, depriving Puen of any personal space, their bodies pressed against each other. He put his hands on Puen's cheeks and brought his face closer to him. Puen could feel his breath on his skin.

'You look really beautiful without make-up.' - his gaze wandered over Puen's face, he looked into his eyes, then lifted it to his eyebrows, then lowered it to his lips. He started to move their faces closer, but Puen stopped him, instead making their foreheads touch.

'Talay. I promise that if you still want this in the morning, I'll do it.'

'You don't want this?' - Talay pushed their faces away. There was already desire in his eyes, but also a gentle concern and a little bit of despair. Such emotional, expressive, innocent eyes he had.

Maybe it was because Talay was a friend of people who had known him for a long time and they closely worked with him. Maybe it was drowsiness from alcohol. Maybe it was because Puen didn't feel like he needed to fill the void. Right now, he wanted to look at him for the whole night, admire his nice figure, try to evaluate who's fingers are longer without comparing them, listen to his heartbeat, stroke his hair. To touch his skin, but not in demanding way, just to find out if it's as soft as it seems. Staying like this, being close, inhaling each other, was enough for him, the pain from the splinter is forgotten.

'I want this. But now i want you to hold me more.'

Talay took Puen's palms in his own and brought them to his lips, leaving a few kisses here and on his fingers.

'Let me. Lead me.' - They reached the bedroom. Talay took off Puen's uncomfortable fashionable belt and jacket, leaving him in a tshirt and jeans. Then they fell on the bed. Talay made sure that Puen was lying comfortably, adjusted the pillow under his head. He lay on top of him, so as not to press down hard, leaning on the bed with both hands.

'Stop me if you don't want it...' - He bowed his head and kissed Puen on the cheek. He lingered here, prolonging the kiss. When he finally pulled away, he immediately kissed Puen's neck, lingering here too. Puen raised his hands and placed them on Talay's shoulders to pull him even closer, forcing their bodies to be pressed together again. Talay continued to kiss every part of him that was within his reach, he kissed his brow, nose, then moved to his neck again, kissing another side of it, then kissed his clothed shoulder, kissed the skin of the chest that was visible in the neckline. Puen ran his hands down Talay's back and put them on the small of his back, feeling the skin under the raised shirt with his fingertips. Then he just closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling. He didn't know how much time had passed, Talay just kept caressing his skin with his lips until Puen felt a kiss on his forehead, and then lightest kiss on the lips. After that, Talay put his head on his shoulder, burying his face in it, and sighed, wrapping his arms around Puen's waist. It was the most pleasant feeling that Puen had ever experienced in his life. They remained in this position for some time before Talay lay down on his side, one of his arms still wrapped around Puen`s waist. He doze off like this, leaving Puen to admire his face, touching it with his fingertips gently, feeling the texture and connecting moles into constellations.

So i think i need to give a little explanation. This is third or fourth time they meet in person (if we don't count two times from canon in the airport bathroom and when Talay was extra in Mafia movie). This party was generally arranged by the company, on what occasion it does not matter. Suddenly, i felt the urge to explore what is Puen's life, hope it was interesting for you. About their feelings: Talay was only a liiitle bit tipsy at the start. He generally think Puen Pranon is hot and he is not against the idea to have one night stand with him. And because he actively explores this part of himself on streams, well. He saw the opportunity and he wanted to take it (I mean, he likes what he do on streams, but he started to considering idea of trying it with a man again). Puen had made a good impression on him in previous encounters, so why not? (I honestly tried to write it first, but after rewatching vice versa, i deleted almost everything 😂 because it turned out a completely different picture yk. I am trying to not make them too ooc). Maybe he even started to like Puen. but im not sure

And about Puen, well, you just read it. He feels lonely. He works hard to please his fans and his colleagues. He wears solemn expression on his face, but even one small episode of caring can melt his heart. He really yearns for emotional connection and he would take every opportunity to get it, but he thinks people really only like him for his appearance. So i think he will try to stay as good looking as possible in evey situation. And i think he divides his almost non existent personal life (where we put his communication with Sea) and his working life. So while at the party, he won't even remember about him if Sea doesn't write to him first (because he craves real emotional connection with living person, he will try to find it even if he doesn't really believe it's possible because Sea really is unreachable and because he thinks hes unlovable i guess AND because he kinda wants to think about Sea at home, where he feels safe and everything is calm and nobody wants anything from him. Does it makes sense? If Talay didn't follow him to his apartment, he would check their chat in the limo and write him first).

HI ANON HELLO I DID MISS YOU A LOT AND IM SO VERY HAPPY AND GRATEFUL THAT YOU'RE BACK TO BLESS ME WITH MORE CAMBOY TALAY AU SCENARIOS!!!!!! im also so very sorry it took me a week to reply to you ;;;;;; in my defense THIS MADE ME GO THROUGH SUCH A PLETHORA OF EMOTIONS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN TO MAN THAT I FEEL THE NEED TO GO BECOME ONE WITH THE EARTH EVERY TIME I REREAD IT TO TRY ANSWERING YOU. still not sure if anything coherent is gonna come out of me tbh SO I APOLOGIZE IF IM NOT GONNA MAKE ANY SENSE

actually before starting let me thank you for giving @anisthasiazewicor the permission to write her own camboy AU if she wants to!!! but im also really happy to know that you won't stop writing your own ideas because i absolutely love them!!!!

gonna put the rest of the reply under a read more because it got.. pretty long and i feel bad for people who would have to just endlessly scroll through it ;;;;;;

OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL DID I MENTION THAT I LOVED THIS SO MUCH BECAUSE I REALLY DID LOVE ALL OF THIS SO MUCH AND THERE WERE SO MANY PARTS THAT HAD ME GO STAND IN A CORNER WAILING. i really like how you described puen's loneliness at the beginning: it felt very palpable, and i can easily imagine puen having to attend some big party and just putting on his usual polite smiling face but having to take a moment for himself from time to time because it's simply exhausting, being around so many people that want to touch and talk to him but who don't really care about him at all. yes, it's part of the job, and he's grateful to it because it allowed him to survive without a family from a very young age, but sometimes it feels entirely too much to bear alone

AND THEN TALAY SHOWS UP AND I JUST [MUFFLES SCREAM INTO A PILLOW BEFORE BITING INTO IT AND SHAKING IT AROUND LIKE A CHEWTOY] GOD I LOVE THAT PART. it's such a great parallel to their first meeting (i so appreciate the fact that you made talay wash his hands this time around sfjksgdj and puen focusing on them is such a nice touch as well, because i think that's definitely one of the first things you notice when you're attracted to someone), but for some reason it also reminds me a lot of the nivea scene in episode 10, when talay asks "you can't take it when i look bad just for a second?" and puen replies "i just want to take care of you". i love that in this case puen is the one who is actually afraid to look bad and talay the one who just wants to take care of him, because i think it fits their characters really well. puen being kinda self-conscious of his appearance makes sense to me because on one hand i can imagine people always told him that a lot of an actor's image hinges on always looking good and that he had to be perfect all the time, but in a way taking his make up off means being left bare for talay to see, it means taking his mask off and being just puen, which is something that i think he craves but that also scares him a lot. AND THE FACT THAT TALAY TELLS HIM HE LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT MAKE-UP!!!!!! THE IMPLICATIONS!!!!!! BITING BARKING GNAWING GNASHING HOWLING

one of my favorite things is also how so very in character talay feels, how i actually know that he would worry and take care of puen and dry his face and bring him to his friends and switch their drinks to make sure that puen doesn't get more drunk even if it means talay himself is gonna get wasted instead. like yeah, we do see talay do some of these things in the show, but it's not that easy to pick the right ones and integrate them in a story in a cohesive way that also feels true to the character, so i think you did a really great job here. and i love the "talay. this word evoked only one association with him..." line as a reminder that we're still indeed in the camboy AU, it's another great touch!!!! puen fitting right in with gyo and joe is also so very important to me because that's something i like to imagine is gonna happen in canon as well, talay's friends just accepting puen in their group as if he had always belonged there, so i really appreciated this scene!!!!

another one of my favorite moments is the "It was a gift from an investor. Wouldn't it be rude if I didn't use it at all?" "You are just making Bangkok's traffic jams worse." dialogue BECAUSE THIS FEELS SO VERY TALAY TOO LIKE HE DEFINITELY WOULD SAY THAT AND IT MADE ME LAUGH AND IT ALSO HAPPENS WHEN TALAY'S HEAD IS ON PUEN'S LAP BEFORE TALAY DEMANDS MORE HAIR STROKING AND IT'S JUST!!!!!! SO GOOD!!!!!!!

AND THIS IS WHERE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE ME BECAUSE I CANNOT WRITE DOWN A SINGLE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT ENTIRE SCENE IN PUEN’S APARTMENT WITHOUT STARTING TO FURIOUSLY KEYSMASH AND WANTING TO HURL MYSELF OUT OF THE WINDOW OF A 15 STORY BUILDING. LIKE!!!!! puen no longer needing to fill the void because talay’s presence is enough to chase the loneliness away!!!!! and of course he’s still attracted to talay and would like to have sex with him after talay sobers up, but unlike with all the other people he happened to come home with, where he didn’t necessarily want them but needed the temporary connection sex brings, this time around it’s different because he actually WANTS to have sex with talay and yet doesn’t need it, not right now, because having talay next to him is already enough!!!!! puen asking talay to hold him and talay KISSING HIM WHEREVER HE CAN REACH WITH NO OTHER INTENT OR DESIRE EXCEPT GIVING PUEN THE COMFORT HE NEEDS!!!!! PUEN GETTING TO FEEL SAFE AND LOVED AND CHERISHED PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE!!!!! [SCREAMS]

I SO BADLY NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN IN THE MORNING THO!!!!!!!! is talay gonna wake up first and think that they slept together??? puen said that they could do it if talay still wanted to in the morning, is he gonna bring that up??? would they actually do it??? i feel like talay would get slightly self conscious again, so maybe they agree to try to hang out at least once (they don’t call it a date but it’s totally a date). OH AND MAYBE!!!! that’s when puen says something that makes talay realize puen is tun, so talay decides to distance himself from him and it just ends up being even more painful for puen because not only he’s losing the first real person who he’s ever had feelings for, but also someone who, however unreachable puen thought ‘sea’ may be, puen had come to consider as a friend and a safe space. what do you think???

to end this.. monstrosity of a reply, im just gonna say that i think it actually makes a lot of sense for puen to keep his working life and his personal life as two very separated things, because finding a balance between the two has always been a struggle for him, even in canon. at the beginning of the show the distinction between puen the actor and puen the man is very obvious (and i personally think jimmy doesn’t get enough credit for this), and the fact that his actor persona had basically buried his real self somewhere deep is one of the reasons being tun felt so freeing for him. talay was the bridge that helped these two parts of him come together and find the right balance to make puen’s identity whole again, and i think the same could be said for the camboy au. 'sea' is someone who belongs to puen the man, someone who like puen's real self is kept inside like a secret and so he's unreachable. only when puen is gonna realize that 'sea' and talay are the same person he's also going to realize that those two parts of himself can coexist and that the only way to happiness is to find the balance between them

#hey friends do you know im unwell #once again im so sorry for the late reply and if this doesn't make sense ;;;;;#i wrote it in the span of a week and in varying degrees of sleep deprivation #(the fact that i keep almost writing sleep depravation says a lot about the state im currently in)#anyway hope you're having a lovely day anon!!!! 💜#puentalay #m: ask #long post

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mellow-worlds · 5 months

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Things I don't really know how to get better. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over my will to completely give myself up for him yesterday he told me to do some things and I did them, yesterday he criticosed my behaviour and I apologized and he said I shouldn't have and then he apologized for criticising me but I mean he was right to do it. And I feel terrible becau eI asked hin ti go to my place instead of his because I'm on my period and hurting and uncomfortable and he agreed and I feel like a selfish idiot because now he has to ride around in the subway A LOT and it's alll because of me, and he complained a little about it and I said I'm sorry and I told him gain and again I'm sorry and he doesn't even know why I wanted t o go to my place. I feel terrible. At least I didn't eat today. Everthing feels terrible. Prolly just because I'm on my period. I feel terrible terrible terrible. I feel bad. Just physically uncomforta

ble. I feel terible because even when I try to apologize for me acting wrong I can't do it right and he won't take my apology. I'm so sorry I get so emotional and it's probably because of my period. Yesterday I felt like crying and got butterflies several times. Sometimes just by lookuing at him and thinking I'd do everything for him. Anyway. As I was saying, 'd never not let him kill me, I'd never not give myself up for him if only he asked me to, probably. I'll never not put him ifrsst. But that doesn#t mean that I have to hate myself. That doesn't mean that I need to be miserable. I want to do things and I want to do things and I want to d o things. I've beeen doing some things. I've been reading and drwing and studying French a lot It's nice. I want to write more. I don't think I'm ok with uni having started. I don't really like uni. I like learning and I like the toics when theyÄre interesting, butttt idk. I hate having to go here, it's a hustle. I hate having to read and write long complicated texts I don't understand because they're too complicated for my little, uncomplicated brain. I don't like the rain and I don't like that I don't know how to dress on accord of the weather. I don't like that it'll be torture to go here when it's hot I don't like that I selected so ayn courses and that I will be overwhelmed. But rn it's ok. I'mean not rn but in general. I'm not overwhelmed yet. Not yet. It's fine and I don#t haave to do this alone. L s there to support me. Another thing: I hate that L and I won't be able to spend as much time together. Maybe it's a good thing but even this morning just getting out of bed felt terrible because I wanted to keep cuddling with him because he is just the cutest. But overall I'm excited about the new semester. I'm excited about all of the things I do (French and art and reading and writing) and I'm excited about eseing myself develop and change.

I'm kind of obsessed with this girl I used to go to school with. She sometimes posts stuff on g and I relentlessly look at it when she does. She's anorexic and man she's gotten really really thin again. I'm a little scared for her. And I'm really jealous of her. She's really pretty and really thin and everybody knows she's troubled. She has posted about her (various methinks) stays at the mental hospital. She's been hospitalized. She's been hhospitalized. All I got to show for is my three little scars and the ones you can't even see. I'm not skinny. I'm not pretty. I still phantasize about killing myself a lot. In the book I'm reading a character did that becauase his lover didn't want to get married. He cried for days and then he was found dead with slit wrists. I can't even cry. I can't even cry. I can't wait for the day I break down in front of L crying. If I've cried this year it was only small little tears. And that one time in JHJanary. And no one ever noticed. And I feel a burning need to cry. It's crazy. My clothes are wet because of my stupid jacket from the 80's. I feel ohysically terrible. My head has started hurting. And I'm hungry. I want to lose a lot of weight. L says he likes my body but I don't. I don't. So I'm doing intermittent fasting an dI'll try to eat healthier. I'm a little scared. I havent eaten today. It's been 18 hrs almost. Nothing in comparison to what I could do. Idk when I'll eat. Maybe after this nect lecture. I'm mad I look so ugly today. I'll lose weight and that'll automatically make me look better. ANd I'll be fine. I'll be happy. There's no need for me to make such a big fohking thing out of this. I'm not eded- I'm not anorexic and I used to be and I'm ashamed I'm not anymore. I need to lose weight. I hate my freaking body I hate looking like this I hate my cellulite and fat and how unfit I am. I exercised a little yesterday, the tiniest bit. Because my back hurt. I should try to exercise every day, maybe. I still want to die. I want to be found dead one day. But maybe first I need to work on my legacy. I want to be mourned. Do I`Idc. I want to be remembered like remedios in cien an*os de soledad. And mostly just want to feel loved by L. I don't think he thinks about me as much as I do and I don't think he knows that he's practically my world. Adn I want to do art and experience art and watch movies and read and write.

I feel like I'm going to faint but it's not as bad anymore. I haven't eaten in almost 39 hours. I'm trying to push for 49. But most of all I'd just like to faint. I've never fainted before and yes it's scary but it would be something. It'd be something graspable, something real, not just a feeling. I want my suffering to be real. On that note, I should stop being self-condescending towards myself in front of L. I shouldn't make my suffering a show that I choose to share, if anything, people should get subtle signs because of my physical ill-being, but nothing more. Honestly, people shouldn't get any signs, but like... I want to be "heard". I know how toxic this is. I feel like I'm not ill enough and I feel like I can't get betteer until people notice how ill I am because I can't let people know retrospectively, and I've suffered for so long... I should try nto to. But I want to get worse and I want to spiral. I want to faint in front of my friends. Luckily and tragically, I made it so I won't see any of them today. I skipped two classes. Maybe I'll skip the third one as well, but I shouldn't. I feel like I really really shouldn't skip. So I won't skip the third one. It's so weird to describe how I feel. A little light headed, my bones ache, slight headache, very very heavy limbs, and I just generally feel unwell and sick. I've been tempted to eat something but like... I can't just do that. I want to faint. I want to faint in front of my friends. I want to faint in front of L. That would be the dream. I bet fainting feels nice.

I haven't eaten in 30 hours now and I probably won't be eating in another 5 hours. If I'm lucky I won't eat today at all but I don't know. Honestly I'm a little scared, because I will be going to Ls and I don't know if we'll eat something and idk if I'll be able to log the calories. GOSH I hope that if we eat I'll be able to log them. And it's so unfair, the food at uni doesn't provide a calo

ric value and I hate that. I WISH they'd provide that. Im really happy about the decision to lgo calories again, so my weightloss will be more efficient. I really had no idea milk has that many calories. But this des´cision, as you can see, also causes me a lot of stress but it's fine, it'll be worth it. It'll be worth it. My stomach hurts. It's growly. It feels good? But my head hurts and I feel a little unwell. It's nice talking to my friends thouhg, we currently are sittig in the uni cafe. I like D and K a lot and Y is here as well. GOSH I hope I won't have to eat today. Aaand they all left. I have 50 minutes to kill now. F and the other guy from the cafe are here. I don't even know what I can write anymore. And I'm bored to death. This is something i've realized in my past ana runs, it is terrible, the boredom you feel, the inability to focus on things, it gets so overwhelming, your thoughts of food, it's all you think about and then you can't help but eat. BUT I feel good now. Rn I'm a little bored, sure, but like I feel good. I do tihnk about food a lot, but more in fear and less in desire. Well I really would like to eat, but uhm idk, it's different. It's not hard for me not to eat for such long times. Before, I struggled with my life to get to 48 hours, and it was super hard to get to 24 hours, and at times even 18. I feel fairly good. I'm able to have a really good time with my friends and I enjoy that a lot. this morning I took body check pictures and I really really resent that I deleted my old body check pictures. And honestly I look awful but I THINK i look a little less awful than wen I took those other pictures but I can't know. It's frustrating. And I really, really, hate the way my body looks. I REALLY REALLY hate it. I can't believe L would even consider saying he likes my body because Im´'m so ugly. He's got a nice body, I think, not terribly skinny or lean, but I really like his body, it's comforting. And I wonder if it is because the first time I saw his upper body I was so glad he's not as skinny as I tohuhgt, because it made me feel the slightest bit better. So yeah I really hate my body and I don't think L is lying to me, but I also think that he's telling me he likes my body so much so that I#ll feel a little better. plus it's a really nice feeling being desired. So yeah, if I lose some weight maybe hell like my body more, and I definitely will. Its o frustrating, I have lost some kgs already but Iit's just waterweight. In a way, I'm really scared of eating more regularly. I tihnk it's easier not to eat when I do it over long periods of time, like it's out of the question alrea

dy, but it's harder to do when I can eat a little. Stopping to eat is always the hardest part, I think. I just need to get more scared of food. That's why i think thatt couting calories is such a good thing. It'll make me super aware of what I#m putting into my body. that's a good thing in so many ways. Anyway. AAAH. Body checks. I hate the fact that I look this way but I'm also optimistic that I'll be able to change. I'm optimistic that I'll son look very different. Soon enough. THis months choices are next months body soooo... I'm doing well ig. It's scary trhough. I don't want to fail. But I'm making an effort to eat healthier, low calorie things like fruits and veggies and stuff. I'm happy about that. It's a little concerning that I have bruises on my legs. Apparently, they come from lack of vitamin c and k, but like... I've had them for over a week now I think. It's concerining. I've had them since before I started fasting for so long. I should take care of that, becaue I really don't want any health issues. I should make sure I have supplements etc. It's really scary. Also, osteoporosis... My risk of getting that was real even when I was eating relatively well. I'm terrified of the medical concerns of anorexia. But like I#m terrified of my body and I just don't want to stay that well. I HATE MY BODY. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should find a way to find peace with it, though I still would want to change it. I dont need to be so extreme. I don't need to be so extreme. I can chilkll. It's ok. I don't need to hate my body. LAtely 've been wearing some clothes that make mee feel more confident. I still think I look fat, but I feel pretty ok about it, mst of the time. I'm really scared about L finding out. I think he's catching up to the fact that I don't like my body and that I sometimes don't eat because of it. He's asked me what I've eaten certain days maybe twice by now, and I've had to lie because the truth was that I didn't eat anything. He just believed me, though. In a way, I feel nice when he says that I don't consume enough calories and that's why I feel so cold. I feel nice and I feel noticed. But i don#t want him to find out more, and like if i want to lose a lot of weigt he will eventually notice, no? If I eat little enough hell have to, right? If I manage not to fail and not be a fatass again. But i feel pretty optimistic. I feel good about this time. Who knwos, though. I'll try my best thoug. Now that i believe in free will, I CAN'T fail, I just can't. How could it be that all of these other girls are so skinny and so deprived of nourishment, and I'm so fat and I'm already scared of failing. So tonight ill go to a concert and I'm happy about the opportunity to burn some extra calories and not really be able to eat for a little while. But I'm really low energy, I'm really tired and It's cold so I don't feel like moving. And I am a little scared about feeling weak and passing out, but like, I don'

t think I will because... Yeah I haven't eaten that little last time and I haven't not eaten in all that long. It's unrealistic that I'll faint. Even if I do it's what I wanted, no? It'd be weird in front of my school friensd but ultimately, good. It'd be good. And it'd be awful if I fainted in front of L, honestly, because hten he'd really know something i swrong with me and food and he'd try to stop me and I really really can't eat normally or even more again becauseeeeeeee iiiimmmm sooooooo fattttttttt. Normal people probably would call me chubby at best but like.... IDK I feel AWFUL about my body and no, I am fat. I feel a little lightheaded. Anyway. I'm glad I'm doing things today. I'm glad I'll be going to Ls later because it wouldn't be abig deal if I ate today, and because I just really love spending time with him. And idk. I could stand the warmth of his body. And yeah. I love him :). And I'm just happy I don't have to be alone at home where I'm almost always miserable. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I love spending time with friends. It#s a nice feeling when my stomach growls. its nice. i am kinda hungry but it doesnt hurt.. only my head hurts a little. and my being basically alone here, but its fine, ill leve in 10 minutes. wow, how time flies when one is having fun obsessing over ones ed. i am eded, theres no denying that. i may not be anorexic but its fine. i wonder what caused my relapse. is it really hatred for my body? i mean yes, ive always hated my body... i wanted to say that i didn't want to get back to ana like maybe a month ago, but that's not true is it. ive been loggin my fasting time for a couple of months and ive always hated my body. it really is mmy body, huh. but what about now is different? what casuses me to be so optimistic and what makes it so easy for me to fast for so long? maybe i overall feel better, but usually, one relapses into these kinds of things whne feeling bad, right? Anyway. Ig i am hungry rn. butttt its fine. its not overwhelming. I don#t want to hate myself, but i want to be impossibly skinny. I hsoudl work on what I see as a failure. it's not a failure if I don't fast for at least 24 hours or if I eat today or if I eat when in Ls company, or when I don#t lose a kg per day or even gain a little because i won't be able to keep this pace up. It is maybe a failure if I eat unhealthy things and am over my calorie limit. so im good. i have no reason to currently feel bad. im doing good. my stomach is hurting a little, but its fine. it is satisfactory somehow, to have these subtle, not really hurtful signs of whatever im doing actually having an effect on me, actually doing something. what currently frustrates me is that i can#t really eat whatever anymore. I'm so terrified of not being able to log my calories and i just started yesterday hahahhahaha. but yeah. its frustrating not being able to eat things from uni etc that i don't know the caloric value of. Anyway, gotta go, bye.

yesterday was really, really nice. Except that he forced me to eat but whatever. well we were in the kitchen and he already choked me and it felt so good. he kept choking me. he kept talking to me and commanding me to do things. I wouldve done anything. it was so nice. he told me to eat and i tried eating as little as possible but yk its fine, its whatever. he was so aggressive and commanding with me and i love it when he is. i can't describe it. it felt a little different from previous times, though. I was really submmissive hahaha etc ykyk but i was able to snatch out of it fairly quickly and shit and i didn't really feel as bad. I did get a lot of butterflies though. We were in the cinema before and watched civil war and i cried a lot. I felt to many emotions. we were cuddling in the cinema and the things going on onscreen were wild and there was too many emotions. so i cired. he didn't notice. after the movie we cuddled some more and he got pretty happy, saying how lucky he was and how much he loved me. and i didn't say much because id just been cring and on the ride home i didn't say much either and i#d like to believe thats why he was able to be so violent towards me. he wasnt really violent. i wish hed been more violent. in uni we talked a little about sex and stuff so maybe thats part of the reason as well. i think hed like it if i was more dominant but i dont really see how i could be. makes me feel bad. i just want to be his pet and his housewife and i just want him to be happy. i want to please him with everything i do and i want to do everything for him. i want to be his completely, and i don#t want him to be mine. i want him to toss me on the ground and choke me and step on me and make me pass out, i want him to keep food from me and then force feed me right before i die of staration, just to keep me alive so i can be starved furter. yay ed fantasies mixed in with sexual ones. yay. yesterday it did feel kinda nice how he forcefed me but like i really didn't need to eat then. id been fasting for barely 27 hours and i couldve gone so muhc longer. but ig this way i can track his c*m. gosh I do really like it when we don't have sex and he just uses me. it feels so nice and i have to worry about notihng but his cock. well actually, if he was really violent towards me during sex it would probably be the best thing ever. he choked me once during sex, i wish he did it always. he slapped me a lot yesterday and it felt awful which means it felt awfully good. i keep remembering times when he was awful to me and they give me butterflies. its all i want its all i want. i want him to hit me more and tell me that i dont deserve him, but next time he should mean it, he should throw me on the ground and tell me im trash.it feels different from usually, though. do i still think ikm worthless? kinda, i think. bu tit doesn#t inhabit my entire mind, its not all i can think about. i can kinda snap in and out of it, rihgt? either way. my theor stands. I should be able to do everything for him and still not make mself dependable from him. I still need to be my own person and not define myself throught the things I do for him, but take them as an addition to my inner world, as just something I chose, something I want to to because I have wants and needs and opinions. so ig i'm heading in a right direction. I enjoy it when he abuses me and part of the reason why is that i enjoy making him happy.

Things have been going so well. I’m actually really happy. I ate a lot a lot this weekend but like… Idc. I’m really happy, probably also partially because of increased food intake. But I’ve started a little writing project and I’m super excited about it. And things with L have been going super well as well. I feel like I am getting better, I really think I am. I am excited about the future again and I’m excited about food and my friends and L and writing and music and drawing. I’m really happy!

Except rn I’m really hungry but I’ll go grab sth to eat after this lecture, I havent eaten in about 17 hours, a little more.

Ok my hunger is really making me feel impatient and bored. But it’s fine! I guess this is what being hangry feels like. I’m still concerned with calories. I’m a little scared because idk if I’ll be able to count calories properly again today, since i’ve had to guess yesterday a lot. but it’s fine. I’m happy about eating healthy food with L whihc is something we set out to do. AND I’m really happy I haven’t eaten any sugar in the past week. Well, sugar yes, but not like refined sugar.

Gosh I’m so impatient. I got 17 more minutes to go. I’m so excited about the food I’m about to eat! And I’m so excited about my writing project, because it’s not just about writing. And because it’s just so much fun! It takes a lot pressure away from me, it’s a really relaxed project.

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