#i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[smallstoriesiwrite]

The boy who learned to love

Reiner x reader modern AU!

A/N: yes i had this idea off of tik tok i don't know if anyone has done it yet here (and if they have please tag me i would love to read it!!!) But I posted my best friend to this song every time i get it because I love the bitch too much and it came to my idea what if reiner was posted to this song! so yes i'm writing this hopefully it dont turn out shitty!

Like always take care of my loves and drink water and remember to love yall selves !!!!

@lemlemss

( I suggest you play the song as soon as you see this because I timed it hopefully this goes well!)

No one Pov:

It was a peaceful day at the Braun Residency.

From Gabi and Falco laughing while playing video games with Udo and Zofia.

To The Galliard brothers getting along with Reiner and Bertolt.

Along with Annie , Peick and Y/n sitting on the couch quietly conversating.

Miss Braun was busy cooking along the side of the mothers of the growing Teenagers to Adults one last time before the dreadful day came of sending them all off to University. Knowing that would be in a couple months still broke these mothers' hearts knowing that their children weren't so little anymore.

quickly brushing her hands on the towl miss Braun made her way to the living room seeing the growing adults laughing and chatting.

softly smiling she tapped her son

“Reiner! Tell y/n to meet me upstairs real quick.'' Reiner's mother whispered to his ear.

while making her way upstairs

reiner got up from where he was sitting and made his way to y/n

“Hey Babe! my mom said she needed you upstairs.” reiner said softly

looking up you see reiner eyes soften and a small smile was seen

nodding you excuse yourself from Peick and Annie and headed upstairs

walking up stairs you see the hallway filled with pictures of Reiners childhood.

from his first award ceremony

to his first Awkward dance,

and Lastly his highschool Graduation photo with just him and his mom.

smiling you headed to the master bedroom and knock silently when you heard a soft “come in”

Y/n Pov:

opening the door I see Miss Braun sit on the edge of her bed.

“Reiner said you wanted to see me? is everything okaY” i said making my way to her

she smiled and held my hands softly and looked up to me with tears in her eyes

“I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for loving my son and being there for him when everything was at its worst. Reiner grew up hating love when his father left us. but my love wasn't even the start of the damage. Reiners' father engraved into our heads that Family was blood and that you didn't need anyone else. engraved us with hatred to anyone that wasn't him. but when he left us. it might have been the happiest day of my life.” she motioned me to sit on the bed with her and continued

“When he left it hurt Reiner. Gave him sadness but made him angry. Rage. Hatred. But y/n you got through those walls. when you come into his life and push through the walls of hatred , pain and fear. you showed my son that love isn't a good thing but actually is worth it. my son became happy and at peace with everyone. you my love, gave him access to an amazing group of Friends he considers family. You showed him that family isn't always blood. but family is the people who cared and loved you when you couldn't love yourself. and the day he brought you home as his first friend. I just knew you would be the one he ended up loving. And see, I was correct. He fell in love and god knows my boy is head over heels in love with you.” Smiling, I wiped her Tears from her eyes and held her cheek.

“loving your son makes me the happiest person in the world. and I wouldn't change it for the world.”

smiling she kissed my palm

and spoke

“Seeing you both go to the same university with scholarship makes me the happiest ever. you came into his world at the darkest and brought me my loving son back. Thank you. The reason I wanted you to come up here was to give you your early going away gift. I wanted to do this alone because I wanted to be a mother and daughter moment.”

standing up from the bed she walked to the dresser and pulled out a small box

“I can't really say in law yet. but i hope to be soon” she winked at me and sat down while handing me the box

“open it”

I carefully unwrapped the box to find a necklace locket.

I carefully opened it to see 3 pictures.

smiling i looked up with tears in my eyes

“Miss braun. you shouldn't have.”

“my dear, how many times do I have to tell you to call me mom. and my dear i bought this for you because i know the love you have for my son is more than i can ever imagine. It took me so long to get you for a going away gift when it hit me that you loved the locket necklace I wear with reiner and I took a photo with it. So I did some shopping and photo digging and i put those 3 photos in it. You and reiner first ever photo at the age of 11. Yalls senior dance photo and lastly a picture of you two kissing in graduation photos. I got the locket engraved with your initials and mine as well. so you can have a piece of me when you're far away.”

Before she can finish I engulf her in a hug.

“thank you”

“now let's not get all sad. Here let me help you put it on and head down stairs. knowing reiner he's going to be worried.” she said while helping me put on the necklace and ushered me down the stairs.

The night went on from laughing to singing to all of our friends and family sitting outside enjoying the starry night with the music very low in the back.

i was scrolling through my pictures while listening to Peick rant about her latest adventure when i see the picture of me and reiner laughing that Bet took on the night of our senior dance,

when suddenly an idea popped into my head

i went to instagram and went to my story and posted photos of reiner and i thought of our friendship to now. with Olivia's new song and tag him.

I am satisfied with the masterpiece I posted it.

When the post is finished I look to see reiners reaction.

Reiner was happily talking to Marcel when he looked down to check his phone.

Reiner Pov:

Mid conversation with Marcel I felt my phone buzz.

i looked at my phone and i can see it was a notification from Y/n from instagram,

I opened it and it led me to her story with photos of us.

i turned up the volume forgetting that my phone was connected to the speaker and i hear the song go

“Well, I hope you know how proud I am you were created

With the courage to unlearn all of their hatred

God, I hope that you're happier today

'Cause I love you, and I hope that you're okay”

i looked up to see my family and friends with concerning looks due to the fact the song was on loop.

“here” i say handing my Phone to my mother and watch as my family and friends croud my phone

while i made my way to y/n

i hear in the back

“AWWWWWWW”

“okay this is actually cute what the hell.”

“Bert are you crying ?!”

“y/n did it like on the tiktok ones!!!”

“okay why is everyone crying now.”

i pulled y/n into a hug and a long kiss.

pulling away i looked at her

“the only reason i unlearn all that hatred was because of you. so thank you for coming into my life.”

“i love you y/n l/n”

“and i love you Reiner Braun”

[linopetal]

lily calla’s.

genre : mostly angst ( ? )

pairings : na jaemin x reader

warnings : mentions of underage drinking , cursing , like one mention of making out , cheating

word count : 1.8k

authors note : oh wow :O this fic is personal in a way 2 me bc its based off of something that happened to me - today in class i saw a sight and it brought up old feelings which inspired this fic. i hope you enjoy it <3 !

you vividly remember the first time you had met na jaemin. it was your first day in the first grade. you had been so nervous. you were often quite , not outgoing at all , you didnt know how to react when you walked into a classroom full of people. everyone had introduced themselves. but one person stuck out to you , na jaemin. you remember the smile plastered on his face when the bell rang for recess. you ran straight towards the monkey bars. when you looked right behind you , there he was. he slowly walked up towards you with a big welcoming smile on his face, “ hi im jaemin , nice to meet you “ he said. “ oh um im y/n “ you nervously spoke. that had been your first encounter with the black haired boy. and that had been the start of your blossoming love for him.

in the sixth grade , your mom took you to a halloween carnival. you vividly remember the purple and black witch costume your mom made you. you loved that costume. halloween was one of your favorite holidays and times of the year , you always loved trick or treating and getting candy. your mom had decided to take you to a near by carnival. as soon as you got there , you ran to find soonyoung , your best friend since kindergarten. “ y/n do you want to go play go fish ? “ , soonyoung asked you. “ of course “ , you responded. you remember your poor skills of attempting to throw the ping pong ball into the water. after 5 tries you finally decided to give up. but around that time , you saw in the corner if your eye jaemin walking up to you. you had felt butterflies overcrowd your heart. “ hey y/n , i beat i can win you one ! “ he said joyfully. and again you were so happy. you remember him winning you a goldfish. you decided to name it nana after him. you kept that goldfish for years.

in the tenth grade , you remember that you were finally planning to confess. after years of being in denial for how you felt , you finally accepted it was time to tell him. you were mistaken. you and jaemin were only mutual friends , never reaching passed that stage. you didnt talk consistently. so you were taken aback when he randomly walked up to you one day during lunch. you thought that maybe this could be a good time. he looked happy today , maybe you would not receive a bad response. again , you were mistaken. when he finally reached you , he said words that broke you just a little , “ hey y/n ! do you know what somin’s favorite flower is ? i heard you two were friends and i wanted to get her something for her birthday since i kind of like her “ , he said nervously , scratching his head. you gulped , completely overwhelmed with feelings. of course you were happen he liked someone. somin was always kind and funny. how could he not like her ? she was particularly perfect. in this moment , you felt far from even remotely decent. you sighed and looked up with a fake smile , “ of course ! she always told me how she loves lily calla’s ! “ , you said , attempting to try your best at acting fine. beauty....thats what they represent , somin was beautiful. you were decent. she offered more than you could ever. “ thank you y/n “ he smiled and walked off.

you remember how you dreaded the eleventh grade. that year was something you could never forget. jaemin and somin were known as the best couple there was in the school. in class , they always were hand in hand every second and you hated it. it had been so many years yet you still loved him. and how ? you dont even know. but during that school year , you had finally decided something.

you had noticed this boy in your algebra class. his name was lee donghyuck. he was always so funny. he made jokes that could make you laugh endlessly. one day you had decided to ask him out. you knew you werent over jaemin , but you also knew you never had a chance. so you told yourself “ fuck it “ and went for it.

it was an impulsive decision, did it matter to you tho ? no. you nervously walked up to donghyuck with your hands in your pocket as he was putting his books in his locker. “ what do you want y/n “ , he said smirking “ “ hm i was thinking about if you want to go out with me on friday night ? “ you tilted your head towards him , “ i guess so “ he said smiling , “ see you then at eight , pick me up “ you said.

those were all members because now its your senior year and you finally had a boyfriend , couldnt you be more happy ? truthfully , you werent as happy as you planned. you were not over jaemin. you didnt think you ever would be. you tried to fall for hyuck , it was just hard. jaemin had been your one sided first love. but you still tried to love hyuck.

there was a party hyucks friend jaehyun was throwing. he had asked you to come as his date. you were beyond excited since parties with donghyuck had become a usual thing. he had helped you branch out of your shell and get out and experience things more. you were grateful.

you had decided to bring him coffee this morning to discuss him letting you stay at his place friday night after the party. as you were walking up to him , you noticed the change in his mood. why had he been acting strange lately ? for the last week , every time he looked at you , he seemed so uncomfortable as if he didnt want to be around you. you chose to ignore it and let it be. “ hey i brought you coffee like you like it “ , you said smiling “ thanks “ he said shortly , you chose to think he wasnt having a good day. after a few minutes of dry responses from him , you got fed up and left for class , you hoped this week didnt suck.

wrong. friday came along and you felt unusually odd. soonyoung had messaged you about her coming over to get ready for the party with you. as soon as you heard the doorbell ring , you ran towards it. “ soonyoung hi come in “ , “ you look so good “ you said “ no you please “ you both laughed and headed to your room to get ready. “ hey soonyoung , im starting to feel like donghyuck doesnt like me anymore “ you said pouting , “ really , ive seen the way he has acted lately. i hope its just a short phase “ she said patting your shoulder , “ yea me too “ you said slightly smiling. “ you look so hot woah come on lets go “ she said.

arriving at the party , you went straight to find hyuck. you had asked a couple of people where he could have been yet you hot no replies. you decided to wait it out and hopefully he would show up later. you went to grab a drink for yourself when all of a sudden you ran into someone “ oh- oh wait im so sorry “ you said , “ oh no its fine “ the male said and i soon as you looked at him you noticed it was jaemin , “ oh hi jaemin “ “ hi “ he said while chuckling , “ have you seen donghyuck “ “ have you seen somin “ you both said in unison. laughing you both shook your heads no. he looked so beautiful , you thought. you looked so pretty , jaemin thought.

“ well im going to go look for donghyuck “ you waves bye and headed towards the upstairs. you thought maybe he went to use the bathroom. again , wrong. as you walked farther up the stairs , you noticed heavy breathing. at first you were concerned so you made your way to the room you heard it from. as soon as you cracked the door open , you were met with a sight you didnt think you would ever have to see. somin and hyuck in a heavy make out session. “ what the literal fuck “ you steadily said loudly as you opened the door. “ yn i swear its not what you - “ hyuck tried to say but someone cut you off. “ what’s happening here ? “ a male said. as you turned around jaemin was right behind you. “ jaemin - are you sure “ he softly pushed you aside and witnessed the sight for himself. “ what the hell somin ?! i did nothing to you and you pull this shit. “ he said angrily , “ its not my fault you are inlove with the fucking bitch behind you. i needed someone who could love me not you “ she spat out. “ w-what “ you said. “ jaemin you l-love me ? “ you eyes widened. you heart swelled. you didnt know what to feel so you just run outside with him running after you. “ yn wait please ! “ he scream , “ you waited so long ? jaemin why didnt you tell me earlier ? “ you said out of breathe , “ because we never talked , okay i didnt think you liked me back and i still dont think you do “ he said , “ jaemin ive been inlove with you for as long as i can remember. “ you said tearing up and walking towards him , “ r-really ? “ , you nodded hugging him “ yes jaemin , i love you “ he smiled back at you and kissed your forehead , “ i love you too , now come on let me take you home before you get so cold “ he said “ your too perfect na jaemin , too perfect “ you both smiled. “ oh and jaemin , lily calla’s were always my favorite “ you said softly smiling , “ yea ive always known “ . many things were wrong in this world. you and jaemins mere love for each other was not one of them.

[flutterji]

anything| renjun ff

hi! this is my first ff on tumblr so hopefully it all works out well. hope u enjoy!

desc: y/n and renjun have only been friends for about a month, but renjun was in too deep. whipped renjun, gender not specified reader!! semi drabble, high school au (like all my stories hhh), very fluffy ! barely edited, its a bit long too but whatever

word count:  2103

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y/n and jisung briskly walked the halls of their oh-so-dreadful high school, talking about, of course, absolute nonsense. ‘i mean, like, salamanders are so cute, right?’ y/n questions the tall boy, and jisung nods enthusiastically. “right! so then why would they eat each other?” jisung added. “as babies, too! it doesn make se-” cut off from their sentence, renjun snaked his arms around the both of them before yelling, “hey guys!” “renjunie!” y/n exclaims, and a wide smile paints renjun’s lips. “whats up shawty?” jisung says before making The Fuckboy Face™. “eh, not much, just absolutely dreading and stressing beyond human compacity about the calc exam tomorrow.” renjun says, pulling his arms away and shoving himself in between the two. “maybe we can study? i- honestly i wont be any help, but i have some pretty cool notes i could share?” y/n proposes. “sure, when?” renjun says, without skipping a beat. jisung looks at the two and then looks away in disgust. “you oldies.” he says, before sticking out his tongue in a teasing manner. “whatever, loser!” y/n says, emphasizing the ‘loser’. jisung pretends to cry and is all but payed attention to when renjun bothers y/n for an answer. ‘we cant study if you dont tell me when!” “well if the exam’s tomorrow then obviously we study today! what are you, an idiot?” y/n says, lightly teasing the poor boy. “right, but like, when today?” “you annoy me.” y/n responds without really responding, traveling away to meet their other friend group. “haha, y/n hates you!” jisung says. renjun then nudges jisung not-so-gently before sighing. “i dont get it. i would do anything for them and they just brush me off like im... i dont know, what am i?” he asks, confused. “an idiot. a complete idiot.”

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as soon as school ends, renjun sends y/n a text. ‘library?’ is all he says, and y/n answers quickly. ‘get here quickly pls,,, i dont wanna waste time” y/n sends back shortly after. renjun walks to their schools library, and sees his study mate. “hey jun, hurry up before i start growing grey hairs.” y/n whisper yells from one of the tables. he had taken longer than he wanted to, so he rushed to the table and scurried to get out his notebook and a pencil. ‘right, so, show me your notes.” y/n says, half distracted by the drawing they were creating in the corner of a scrap piece of paper. renjun opens his note book, revealing his subpar notes. “dude, what-- how much time do you spend actually taking notes?” y/n asks before revealing their organized notes that definitely weren’t the best, but better than renjun’s. “i look out the window more than i pay attention, ha...” renjun admits with a sheepish smile. “sure, just read my notes and copy whatever you need.” y/n says nonchalantly. “thank you so much, you’re a life saver, y/n!” renjun exclaims. “of course i am, i’m me.” y/n says unexpectedly, before ‘posing’ and rolling their eyes.

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after some time had passed, renjun had gotten distracted. “junie, can i tell you something?” y/n asked, looking at renjun’s renovated notes. “sure, whats up?” renjun responds while flipping his pencil between his fingers. “there’s this girl that likes me, but i don’t like her back. it’s kinda so awkward, but i don’t want it to be. ugh, its so frustrating!” y/n whines as they drum their fingers against the table. “oh? who is it? can i know?” renjun immediately asks. “she told me tot to tell anyone. so i’m kinda already not listening, but as long as i don’t tell you her name that should be fine, right?” renjun whines and begins asking more questions. “is she nice? do i know her? when-” “shut up.” y/n cuts him off and runs their temples. “she’s... its not like she’s not nice, and you don’t know her, okay? ugh, i shouldn’t have even tried telling you about my love life.” y/n grumbles. “love life?” renjun asks. “maybe you could repay me by telling me something.” y/n offers, a smirk growing on their face. renjun tries hard not to blush and looks away quickly. “there’s, uh, nothing to talk about, ha.” he explains half heartedly. “sure there is! maybe not recent, but tell me something at least a little interesting.” y/n persuades. “uh, well, last year i made friends with this... person, and i liked them. they, uh, they moved away. yea.” renjun cant help but blush as he struggles to find literally anything else to do. “yea, sure.” y/n takes note of his blush and can’t help but wonder if he’s lying. 

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y/n begins packing up and renjun looks at them in confusion. “you have to go?” he asks, trying to hide his disappointment. “yea, im sorry. you got everything you needed, right?” y/n responds. y/n has a knack for ignoring renjun, the way he blushes, the way he often looks at them with wide eyes, the way he looks around aimlessly when he thinks, the way he throws his head back when he laughs, the way he bends his knees when he screams into the air when he’s frustrated or flustered, and... maybe they didn’t ignore renjun. maybe they didnt ignore him at all. “yea, thank you so much!” and he smiles the cutest smile and starts packing up his things as well. “you have a ride home? i’m taking the bus.” y/n asks. “i’m taking the bus too! maybe we should get a snack for the ride?” “YES.” y/n answers right away. renjun laughs and throws back his head, just like how y/n was just thinking about. a small smile creeps up y/n’s face and a boldness takes over. “you’re adorable, you know that?” y/n asks, swinging their backpack over their shoulder. renjun blushes, and hard. his heart races and he struggles to come up with a reply as his hand thoughtlessly covers his smile. “adorable, ha.” he says quietly. y/n internally yells and waits for him. “yea. so what type of snack do you want?”

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on the bus with chip bags on their laps, the silence is almost comforting, right before it’s not. the bus stops to let in more people, and renjun looks at y/n. y/n pops more chips in their mouth before looking back, and renjun swiftly looks away. they’re sitting next to each other, and renjun has never been that close to y/n. he starts noticing their more delicate features up close and feels his chest tightening. after y/n swallows the chips, they look at renjun’s hand, a single ring on his pointer finger. mindlessly, they pick it up to examine the ring. renjun’s heart starts beating louder at the contact, and he looks out the window without knowing what else to do. “pretty ring.” y/n says. “thank you, chenle gave it to me.” he says, smiling shyly. “so you’re married?” y/n says, a single brow raised. renjun takes back his hand and and looks at his ring. “its not like that! besides, i dont like him.” he says. “do you like someone else then?” “maybe.” renjun mutters so quietly that he can barely hear himself. “HA! I KNEW IT!”  y/n celebrates their small victory and renjun looks back towards the window with a stupid smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks.

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once renjun reaches his stop, he stands up. “this you?” y/n asks. “yea, bye!” he says, almost sadly walking in front of y/n to get out of the aisle. “no, not bye, lemme walk with you the rest of the way.” y/n says and gets up, walking out and away from the bus shortly after. renjun smiles to himself and walks towards his street, leading the way. “so... who is it?” y/n asks. renjun blushes and covers his face. “i can’t tell you that!” he says. “why not? huh? i’ll tell you mine.” y/n says. “yoU HAVE A CRUSH?” renjun practically screams. “yea, it’s not a big deal.” y/n says, right before pulling two lollipops out of their pocket and handing one to renjun. “fine, but, please don’t hate me.” renjun pleads, putting the wrapper into his pocket. “i promise i wont hate you. who is it?” “well, we only started being friends recently, but they’re just so.. i don’t know. and i’ve told jisung this, but i would do anything for them.” he says, trying hard not to stutter and even harder to not get a heart attack. y/n puts the lollipop in their mouth, and renjun follows. “anything?” y/n asks playfully. “yea, pretty much. i don’t even know why i like them so much, they act like... i don’t know, they kind of ignore me.” y/n secretly wondered what type of human would be able to ignore someone as nice and as attractive as renjun. “ignore you? it’s hard to do that with how whiny you are.” y/n laughs and renjun whines. “see, i told you!” y/n says and smiles around their lollipop. “anyways, do i know them?” y/n asks shortly after. “yea, kinda... hah, all of a sudden i dont really wanna talk about it anymore, so, bye?” renjun forces his hands into his pockets. was he really ready to confess? “fine, i’ll tell you about mine then. he’s really charming in his own way, and i just realized that i liked him recently. we also haven’t been friends for long, ha. i don’t know why, there’s just something about him, his cute little habits are so endearing to me. ew, i sound gross.” y/n pretends to vomit, and renjun sighs lowly. “you really do like him, huh?” he asks, defeated. “yea, i guess i really do.”  y/n smiles to themselves and nudges renjun.

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renjun kicks at a rock before stopping in front of a house. “well, this is my house, so...” “right.” y/n nods and presses their lips together. “hey, could you do me a favor?” y/n asks, right before renjun goes to walk up to the door. “sure, anything you want?” “anything?” y/n asks with a smile on their face. renjun lightly blushes, before saying quietly, “yea, anything.” he sends a small smile and y/n can’t help but walk closer to the boy. renjun’s heart starts pounding inside his chest. did he just confess?   y/n reaches out to him and gives him a hug. renjun frantically tries placing his hands on y/n’s back multiple times before finally resting them in one spot, placing his head in the crook of their neck. to him, it felt like they fit together perfectly. a giant smile paints his lips and y/n starts retracting their arms. ‘it’s you, renjun.” y/n faulters with their words. renjun’s eyes go wide and his lips part to let in air. he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “me. i am? it’s… what? he says, absolutely speechless. “you’re the guy i was talking about earlier. not that it matters.” y/n shrugs, trying to hide the fact that their heart was absolutely racing. “it does, uh, to me, because, you’re the person i was talking about earlier too, so…” he hides his face with his hand and looks away. ‘you think i ignore you?’ y/n says, surprised. ‘uh, a little bit…” he admits, shyly. he felt like he was going to explode, he was so flustered. “sorry, i’ll try to pay more attention to you?” y/n offers, paired with a crooked smile. renjun bends his knees and screams into the air, making y/n smile and laugh shortly after. “sorry, and, yea, that would be nice.” y/n hesitates before stepping forward and planting a quick kiss on renjun’s cheek, sending the poor love-struck boy’s heart to heaven and hell at the same time. a wide goofy smile is shared between the both of them. “ill text you?” y/n offers, hands trying to find a place to stop before finally landing in their pockets. “yes, great! i mean, uh, cool. very cool.” renjuns fails to hide his excitement as he practically floats on air and lets out a sigh, shooting y/n a thumbs up. “very cool, yes.” y/n laughs and finally leaves the boy to go inside, and he automatically starts jumping in a circle and clapping out of happiness.

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the end! 

[bbarican]

october 19, 2021; 9:12 am

ive been putting off all of my emotions ever since my family started planning this big change and now that its a day before it actually happens, everythings just starting to crash down on me and i dont know what to do or how to feel exactly

to cut to the chase, my older brother is leaving for florida to continue his schooling there and yung mom ko, ihahatid siya there, meaning my mom will also be gone but for a month lang. my brother on the other hand, well, the big goal is for him to stay there for as long as he needs and wants and hopefully he does, and im just really emotional

im scared for both of them kasi again, may covid parin eh and people in the states are a bit too reckless when it comes to things like this

im really sad kasi my brother wont be here anymore even though he does get on my nerves every time he annoys me; its going to feel so empty without him here making us laugh

im so fucking anxious cause my mom is flying back to the philippines alone

im dreading the fact na i have to now serve as the panganay and also man the fort while my mom is away for a month

im jealous cause i dont get to go with them

but overall, im just really nervous and excited for my brother to get settled in all the way over in florida and for him to do good in school and hopefully, and finally, become the pilot he has always dreamt of being

pair all of that up with the fact that i am drowning with work and i just dont know how to handle everything. right now tbh, i just wanna stay in bed, savor these last 2 days i get to be with my brother, and just not really think about anything else.

all i know is is that my brother and my mom are going to be extra safe there and that ill keep praying for the both of them para lagi talaga silang safe no matter what theyre up to over there.

fuck, im gonna miss my brother so bad. i just know im gonna cry tomorrow afternoon pagkahatid namin sakanya sa airport.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 46 - watching notes

Full disclosure: I'm not in a particularly good mood today. Have you seen that "no productivity. Only guild." Meme flying around? That's me today :|

Hopefully this will distract me (though distraction was the problem in the first place 🙈)

I apologise for any typos you'll finde in this post 😅

To recap, the last thing I learned was that apparently, Jiggy married his own sister because Jin Guangshan was a scumbag who raped more women than he could possibly remember

I was told by several people that this episode is their favourite. No pressures or anything :D

The way someone is dragging up Jiggy's secrets has a lot of poetic justice to it. Everyone is outraged and gossiping. Consensus is reached quickly. Kinda makes me feel that that someone (who probably also wrote the letter to jgy) knows exactly how to use the sect world's worst qualities as a weapon

Yao what's-his-name, resident gossip queen, at it again

Don't look at me my memory is as bad as wwx when it comes to names :D

I was about to write who is Lianfang Zum again and then I remembered that it's jiggy's honorary title. See what I mean? ^^

What does it say about me that my heart makes a leap when I simply see wwx leaning close to lwj to whisper to him? 😅 I'll probably die reading the novel, that's what that says

Oh so it was the maid who sent the letter

Come on Wei Wuxian! That was cruel

Yeah Yao what's-his-name, why would you need to know the identity of who ever is behind this? It's not like you've ever been deceived before!

What's... with that bracelet?

I love it how everyone looks positively startled when Lan Wangji says something unprompted :D

Wait ... Zwei Jun is in his hands? Shit, i don't remeber what happened there. Where did Xichen go again? 😬

I'm so confused right now 🙈 I can't watch and read the subtitles and type

Okay, watched the whole conversation again, now I'm following

I reiterate my earlier statement that whoever is pulling the strings here knows exactly what strings to pull to get the clans to act

Great, another mob 🙄

Loooool

NOW you want his help? 😂

Sure, as soon as he can serve YOU with his "evil tricks", that's okay!

You can see how much wwx changed because he does not hold their hypocrisy to their faces. He mostly seemed tired of it

And Jiang Cheng just realised that wwx might indeed not be responsible for Jiang Yanli's death, didn't he? He's almost stunned 🥺

Or is BEAUTIFUL to see Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji move in such unity! 😭

Oh ... those are the graves of his foster parents, right? :(

And Yanli ... oh God I forgot about Yanli 🥺

I'm crying again. Nothing on this show will ever hit as hard to me as the Yunmeng siblings' fate

I couldn't help myself, I legitimately just stroked my laptop screen where Yanli's plate was 🥺

So many conflicting emotions

Thanks to a friendly anon, I know that these three bows together are marriage thing! 😭😭😭

So yeah, they're married now. I dont make the rules :')

Somehow, this feels like them asking wwx's foster family's blessing

And now I'm imagining Shijie smiling back at them gently and I'm crying 🥺

And by God, I love lwj's gentle teasing :')

This whole scene, he's so soft! 😭

And it think that Wei Wuxian probably thought that he'd never get to step into Lotus Pier again. But here, he can finally say his goodbyes to his Shijie properly. He can heal! 🖤

And again, I cannot stress enough how wonderful that is! And how rare and precious in a show like this. So often character's get put through unimaginable trauma, but they either brush it off no problem or the show/movie ends immediately after the main action and you are left to imagine the number it did on the character's psyche. There are so rarely fantasy shows that really dive into the emotional fallout the plot has on their characters and then give them time to heal. Thus show does both and I'm so goddamn overjoyed my it!

Come to think of it, it reminds me of a very good hurt/comfort fic 🤷‍♀️

Jiang Cheng pleae, fir once, try not to be angry immediately when you're hurting :(

He still takes special offence that lwj is there. Makes me wonder if he still feels like wwx chooses lwj over the Jiang sect and is still hurt by it 😔 (note that at the same time, he reminds wwx that he's very much not a member of the Jiang clan anymore. God, the man has not worked through his own feelings ...)

For once, as much as I love it when lwj defends wwx (especially when it's not against any physical harm, but because he doesn't want wwx to be hurt emotionally) I think him interfering with this particular conflict does not help

Okay sorry, but no! lotus pier was not destroyed because wwx saved lwj in that cave. That was just an excuse for the Wen sect. They would have come eventually anyway

Ohhh

So there's my answer

He's still hurt because he feels wwx chooses anyone else over his family, which is to say him

And he probably can't understand because their positions are so different. The (future) sect leader and the son of a (dead) servant and a rogue cultivator who never felt quite like he belonged 😔

It's so goddamn tragic how much between these two was destroyed simply because they have such a different status in society and could never quite understand each other's perspective

And again, wwx just takes it 💔

Until, that is, lwj's honour gets besmirched

Don't fight in front of Shijie 🥺

Jiang Cheng's every action screams that he still loves his brother and that amidst all that pain for his lost family, is also deep betrayal and grieve for the brother he thought he could always count on 🥺💔

Can we appreciate for a second how much this shot tells us? From Jiang Cheng's angry desperation, to Wei Wuxian's quite acceptance of his rage (which must be so confusing to Jiang Cheng and probably hurt him even more. Because fighting is always how these two resolved their issues!) to Lan Wangji who is in full on protective mode (which I find more than heartwarming,but still think probably isn't helpful rn)

He ... what?

I still don't quite understand when exactly wwx's lack of golden core shows. Why does he have a nosebleed here?

What?

Oh!

Wen Ning 😱

I get what he wants to do!

Have we ever seen him this calm and determined before?

Abd they understand 😱😱😱

The look on all of their faces! Shiiiiit

I'm crying again

Oh wangii is crying 🥺

Wen Quing 💔💔💔 I'm crying even harder just looking at her. I've MISSED her 🥺

Lan Zhan your FACE!! 😭

The way he's looking at wwx in his arms, as if he's seeing him fir the first time

And by god, I can only imagine what he must be thinking

He must be reevaluation every single interaction they had since wwx started down the path of demonic cultivation 😭

I'm a bit in awe of Wen Ning here and how much he must have been holding in. That's the steadiest and most confident he's ever been

Oh Jiang cheng 💔

That looks like a man whose entire world has just been shaken to its core

And Lan Wangji is crying so much 🥺

God I hope he doesn't blame himself even more 🥺

Aaaaaaahhhh, so that is why he wouldn't just carry the sword for appearance sake and why he just had a nosebleed!

Jiang Cheng probably needs about a month to process all that :/

And therapy ...

Aaaaaaahhhh! The boat scene! I've seen gifs! 😍😍😍

A penny for Lan Wangji's thoughts ...

Oh I'm so so so so glad that Wen Ning gets to say thank you to the man who raised his ... cousin (?) :')

Oh god we get to see!!!!

Oh little a Yuan 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wonder now, did Lan Qiren know who the child was that his nephew suddenly brought back to cloud recess?

I'm glad that we all learned from this that keeping secrets from the people we love, especially secrets that concern them personally, will eventually come back to bide us in the ass. Than you for delivering that important lesson, wen Ning!

Which reminds me that I hope they eventually tell wwx that they know 😬

I swear to god, one of these days I will melt from the gentleness in lan Wangji's gaze :')

Shit. He had to be awake? 😳

You can pinpoint the moment Lan Wangji's heart breaks for all the suffering wwx endured and how close he came to loosing him even then 🥺

Waking like that in you lovers arms in the middle of a lotus pond - that's the dream *sighs* (minus the passing out bit)

It's weirdly cute that wwx thinks that it's Jiang Cheng's insults that have lwj so upset 😅

Oh GOOOOD ...

I can't

The moment Yanli's themes started to play and she appeared I started to bawl 😭😭😭

And he's sharing the lotus pods with them ... oh please, lwj, please understand what he's saying. That's his pove language! His sister's food was how he received love and right now he passes it on to you! Please, please understand it! 🥺

Oh lwj, don't 🙈

Awwwwww ....

He's breaking the rules for you!!! Just to make you smile!!! 😭😭

And holy shit look at their expressions 😭

By now you should know that he's willing to break the rules for you :')

And poor third wheel Wen Ning 😂

Now there are glittering butterflies???

Do they have some kind of romantic aesthetic bingo going on in this episode???

Oh okay, messenger butterflies

Please appreciate wwx almost climbing into lan Wangji's lab in excitement :D

Thay scene transition was pretty af!

Hey! Why do they bully wen Ning? 😤

*shakes wwx by the shoulders* DO YOU GET THAT HE LOVES YOU NOW???

Huh, this episode was a roller coaster. you guys did NOT exaggerate! I loved it to pieces. I'm floored once more by all the actor's performances. Wen Ning revealed a lot about his character, Jiang Cheng broke my heart, Lan Wangji made it melt and Shijie is still able to make me bawl in an instant. But ... I'm not left with a bitter feeling. Sure, jiang Cheng and wei Wuxian havebt reconciled, but the truth is the first step to even have that possibility. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are both healing and whatever happens in the last 4 (4!!!😭) episodes, I'm not dreading it that much right now. I feel like we're climbing upwards :)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose thank you guys for staying with me for this crazy ride 💙🖤💙

Also one last thing: please don't tell me what happens differently in the novel in any given scene. I am still reading it (about half way through rn) and I'd like to still be surprised by stuff like first kisses and love confessions 💙🖤

I should have put something like this at the end before, but I always forgot. That's on me 😅 so don't feel bad, if you've shared something before :)

[soda-drabbles]

New Years Kiss // Dan Avidan x Reader

Synopsis : There has been a bit of space between you and Dan since you realized you had feelings for him, that space being divided by you as you try to make the persistent feelings dissolve. The feelings only fester and worsen as the New Years party comes up. There, you and Dan come face to face after all that time. Could this party break the ice once and for all?

Pairing : Dan Avidan x Reader

Type : Fluff

If you had to be honest, you were dreading the upcoming New Years party. You wouldn't have went if it weren't for Suzy, who you just couldn't say no to. Plus, this was a office party so it would be weird if you didnt come. You instead kept trying to reassure yourself that maybe it wouldnt be that bad. That things would be fine. Yet the same thought kept ringing in your mind; Dan.

Dan was a close friend of yours and someone who you kept growing feelings for. The first initial reaction to realizing this was rejection. You hated having feelings like this, especially for someone so close to you. It made things worse since you two worked together. Recently, you kept the distance between you two in hopes that the new feelings would dissolve. There were times where you could see Dan's face appear glum and it honestly made your heart sink more into your stomach but it'd be okay, right? This was for the best for the two of you. Things would go back to normal soon.

Hopefully.

Hours before the party began, you volunteered in helping Suzy and Arin with decorations. The three of you decorated the office in streamers of gold and black, assuring that the place captivated the New Year's spirit. During this, Suzy sparked up some conversation.

“So, (Y/N).” She approached you, handing you some things to sit on the neat tables where the snacks would be. “Are you excited for the New Year? Got any resolutions?”

You simply shrugged, “I guess? Its like any other year, isnt it?”

Suzy shrugged and went to place something else up, “What about you and Dan? ”

You froze a little. “..What about Dan?”

Suzy could easily tell she struck a soft spot, which was why she spoke a little nervously. “Well, you two have been acting a little weird around each other. I didn't know if you planned to..yknow. Fix that situation?”

Your fingers tapped at the table a little. “I..I dont know.”

Arin's voice called from the living room, almost intentionally. “Suzy! Can you help me with the sticker things? They won't stick.” He must've felt the tension growing and decided to keep it from escalating.

Suzy, still a bit worried, hesitantly nodded and joined her husband in the man room which left you back to your mind which was fogged with Dan.

The party came faster than you initially hoped and before you knew it, you were in your car driving to the office. Your fingers tapped the wheel. The car was silent, except the riddling white noise of your anxiety tugging at you. What were you going to do about Dan? It was inevitable that hed be there and you two would be facing each other eventually.

Your heart raced in your ribcage as you pulled into the driveway, eyes stuck on the house and fingers stuck; not moving. Dan would either be behind that door or on the way. Either way, it made things worse.

Still, you unstuck your fingers and got out of the car.

Immediately, you were greeted by Ross and Suzy, who eagerly greeted you and let you in.

“Welcome, (Y/N)!” Ross exclaimed, placing a cheap New Years party hat on your head sloppily. You laughed, fixing it. “Thanks, man. ”

So far, it wasnt that bad as you thought. Your first destination was the snack table where the punch was. Your hand reached for the ladel and found yourself brushing against someone. “Shit, I'm so-” Your eyes widened when you peered up, face to face with the giant lanky man himself. Dan.

He appeared both relieved and a little shocked to see you, but happy nevertheless. “Oh, hey.” Dan's thin lips tugged into a soft smile. “Its..good to see you.”

Still shocked yourself, you gulped a little. “..Its..good to see you too.” Quickly, you filled up your plastic cup with fruit punch and took your leave.

The night went on with you mostly hanging with Ross and Barry as a way to distract yourself from the whole Dan situation. It was fun watching the goofy guys play with the helium in the ballooms but Dan kept invading your mind. You didn't know why either. Why did this have to be such a big deal? This feeling was unbearable.

The time would come when the countdown commenced. Everyone gathered together for the intense moment. You simply took your spot at a corner of the room, where you leaned against the decorated wall with the plastic cup pressed against your lips.

You weren't alone for long, as you saw a tall shadow approach you out of the corner of your eye. Your heartbeat started up again as you had a suspicion of who the identity of the shadow was. When it spoke is when your suspicions were confirmed.

“..Why have you been avoiding me?” Dan's soft voice came through the background chattering and music of the party.

Refusing to look at him, you shrugged. “I have no idea what youre talking about.”

Rightfully, he was frustrated. “Im not stupid, (Y/N). You've been avoiding me for the past month and you didn't even tell me what I done wrong.”

His last comment caused you to finally look at him, your own frustrated look clouding your features. “You didnt do anything wrong, Dan.”

“Then what is it?” He asked, obviously confused.

With a moment of hesitation, you whispered. “Its me.”

“..What?”

“Its me!” You spoke a little louder, using your arm to cover your face. “Fuck, I'm stupid..”

Dan frowned and removed his free hand from his pocket to place it on your shoulder. “What's wrong? What are you talking about?”

While you kept silent, the countdown from five began.

Five.

“..Its.” How could you possibly say something like this? Do it and risk everything? He'd avoid you for sure wouldn't he? Your negative thoughts fought you from telling him. “You wouldn't like it.”

Four.

“Come on,” Dan said, moving in front of you. His voice was closer now. “I still want to know, regardless.”

Three.

You could feel his towering presence in front of you. Your cheeks were red and you were thankful colorful lights danced around the party, otherwise what you wanted to say would be obvious. The feeling was building up again.

Two.

Dan grew a little desperate. “Please.” In a moment like this, it was getting harder and harder to dismiss him anymore. Your heart longed to jump out and let your feelings speak themselves. Eventually, you gave in.

“Dan, I..” Taking another deep inhale, you bury your face in his chest and the muffled confession came out. “I love you.”

Words that would leave Dan speechless.

One.

Among the cheering and kissing couples, you felt like crying. Dan wasn't doing anything and it only made you worry. After a moment, you pulled away a little with the intent to run off, only for the tall man to brig his arms around you.

“Dont go.” His arms held you back against his chest, fingers pressed against your back. His sudden grip surprised you. What surprised you even more is when the warm touch of his hands moved from your hand to each sides of your face, which he gently cradled and raised to face you.

Against the dancing lights, your blush and wide eyes spoke out to him and made him smile. The smile that only made you grow redder each time. “Why didnt you just say so?” His soft voice expressed in a sweet whisper before pulling you into an embrace.

You imagined plenty of times what kissing Danny would feel like. It was so much softer and warmer than you once imagined. Once you both pulled away, Dan hugged you once again and this time, you hugged back.

Suzy, unbeknownst to the both of you, was watching with a satisfied smile. She leaned against her husbands side and turned back to the TV.

Happy New Years.

[eagesoldartblog]

fantasy au w/ lewthur or lewvithur where one or more of them is royalty/a high ranking noble? no pressure but id love to see your take on it :0

I PUT IN SO MUCH TIME INTO THIS, BEcause this is an actual fic I want to write, so THANK YOU for this. B U T this actually has two parts, because,,, It became ten pages lONG. 

Claiming The Prince’s Heart

Sunlight beams through fleece clouds, filtering its rays through the thickets of yellowing canopy, and shining down on the blanket of red leaves coating the forest floor. A torrent of a river is not too far off, streaming water that was so clear and reflective that you could make the stars out in them. Accompanied by her own heavy steps, and the prince’s behind her. It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to come out here, I’ll have to make sure to give him my thanks. Of course..

“Dame Vivi,” She turns, head bowed, smiling. Unable to help the pull of her lip, it wasn’t every day that she got to see her highness. Especially not like this. With his hands clasped tightly together and eyes darting around every which way, a hint of rosiness blossoming in his cheek- whether it was from the mild chill or his utter delight on being let outside for once- well, it wouldn’t have made a difference. “Thank you for accompanying me out here today. I promise that it has left me with nothing less than gratitude and ecstasy, I will make sure you are rewarded handsomely for your sacrifice-”

“Your highness, with all due respect,” 

“Yes?” He continues to smile, but now it is almost perfect, a replication of a doll. 

“You dont have to address my like other nobles, your highness.” 

Arthur noticably deflated. His prim and proper smile dropping with a sigh and he sags forward, “Thank the good heavens.. I was wondering when you’d give me the go ahead..” He mumbles, pressing his fingers into his cheeks and forcibly massaging them. The ache must have been unbearable! Vivi snorts into her palm- accidentally bumping her nose in too far.

“You know, you don’t have to wait for me,” she explains, and part of her wonders how many times he has, but with a flick of her wrist, and grabbing his attention, she adds, “you could just begin to address me casually as soon as we step out.”

“And let the other guards and ad-advisors think you’re a seduc-ductress in disguise?” Arthur crosses his arms, nodding his head back to the castle with a bitterness clouding his eyes, Vivi only laughed more, “Nah, I’ll pass.”

“Haha! How funny. To think!” Taking a step forward, Vivi takes his wrist and holds it up, pulling him into her, leading him into a twirl, “The one dame they have been sending you out with every season is the one slowly undoing all of their precious work!” His disdain melts away, and he falls with her elegantly- he must have learned the dance recently. Vivi lets go of Arthur and drapes herself dramatically against a nearby tree, feigning despair, “Oh, the tragedy!”

A hand flashes out before her, and despite the anxiety Vivi could feel from its slacked position a dazzling warmth dancing across his face instead, “The Greeks will have a thrill recounting our t-tales.”

“Our downfalls,” She takes his, pulling him into the clearing.

Bad idea, Arthur’s eyes dart in every which direction, “O-our triumphs,” before his expression shifts and- 

“Into the great fall of the Hidorian kingdom!” They sing in usion, before Arthur bursts into a fit of cackling giggles, muffled by his own hand slapping a hand over his mouth. Raising her eyebrow, Vivi couldn’t help but laugh as well. But what made him this hysterical..? Dread? Is a war on the way?

“Well, i’m glad to hear you’re still in good spirits, your highness..” Standing straight, she returns to his side and places a hand on his shoulder- ignoring how he stiffens, “But you don’t usually joke about .. that. Is something up? Everything going alright with your healer?”

A shallow breath, and he stands straight. Any amount of cheeriness they just had vanished in an instant. “… Ah, yeah, it’s fine..” Frowning, Vivi crosses her arms, able to tell by the shudder in Arthurs shoulders that there was bound to be more. Swinging around- far too exaggerated than one would ever assume of a prince, his voice spills out of his mouth faster than he thought, “Well! things are-! Uh They are k-kinda difficult! But-! But, it’ll be alright in the end. No- nothing.. Will fall or- be destroyed or- or .. anything!”

“Hm.” Arthur freezes in his place, eyes wide and lit like candle flames, tucking her hands behind her back, Vivi leans forward barely an inch, “I won’t push if you desire, but what do you mean? Surely something must be wrong for you to talk about the end of our name.” Slowly approaching him, Vivi watches his shoulders ride up into his ears and his eyes dart from the trees, the grass and finally back to her. As if worried that someone else will hear. 

Cringing, Arthur bites his lip, “Well… I- we… “ In the distance a twig snaps- most likely from a squirrel- but Arthur jolts hard and jumps into a ridiculously panicked pose, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed together, breath rapid. 

“Your highness,” he flinches again, gaze shifting one last time before realization dawned on him… how ludicrous he was being. “This… you cannot speak a word of this to anyone. Understand?” 

With a nod, Vivi lets her arms cross and her eyes soften- hopefully lending an ounce of peace to Arthur. 

“We-we..  figured I am still a hopeless romantic,” A rush of blood filling his cheeks, averting his gaze, “The priestess worries I’ve been .. st-struck by cupid’s arrow, and considering the curse… I… “ Arms folding, he clutches the fabric tightly and gnaws on his lip- hard enough to be noticeable, and Vivi resists the urge to warn him against it.

But the fear that noticeably coursed through his body. Hard shadows reflecting that onto the otherwise vibrant scenery around them. A cold wind slamming into them at the same time. For good reason too.

That wouldn’t stop her. Moving closer, Vivi resists the urge to take him by the shoulders and hold him close in a hug, “Yes? Did someone catch your eye?” 

Arthur pauses, eyeing her carefully. His eyebrows furrowed together and for half a second his lip quivered. 

Before his smile- lacking anything real- returns and his shoulders sink, “You can say that, Dame Vivi. Hopefully in the coming years, it won’t be an issue anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

Arthur tilts his head, “You ask a lot, don’t you?”

“When I hear any news concerning my prince and my kingdom, I must know every detail. To quell my aching heart.” Her heart was racing, slamming against her chest. Whatever fear she felt wouldn’t find its way onto her face, however. Not when he was already under this stress. 

He didn’t relax. Instead the artificial structure of his posture and expression had become especially more fabricated. “A witch is on his way to the kingdom tonight. Do you by chance recall the name, Lewis Pepper?”

“Lewis Pepper of Paradiso. A promising Witch who stumbled upon the kingdom at the age of five. Possessing the great prowess of a Shaman- able to communicate and control the unknown realm with minor complication. A prodigy who had been taken in by the monks to properly train and learn.” Vivi recites, spouting off the information like it was her own name. Of course she would know his name. All Knights and Dames are required to learn the names and attributes of all known magic users- whether affiliated with religion or not. 

Magic never fails, and its power of the three realms is even more so. But harnessable by human beings? Humans who are driven to madness over a single thought and possessing ambitions beyond themselves? 

Leaving those of that nature unchecked is a death sentence. Everyone knew this.

Arthur tilts his head, “I’m pleased, then I won’t have to give another explanation. Tonight, he will be arriving here, and we will be performing a ritual. One that will hopefully cure me of this dreaded hex.”

“What-!” Vivi gasps. Mouth hanging open, several thoughts jumbling up and smacking together in a buzzing train of thought, “But-!…” Questions are about to fly, but Arthurs expression shifts from empty kindness and content to a look that a testy tyrant would wear. Daring her. Vivi grinds her teeth, takes a short breath, and straightens up, “Ahem, my dearest apologies your highness. That is excellent news, and I am delighted to hear it. However, I do have concerns.”

“And what would those concerns be?” 

Taking a deep breath, Vivi looks him in the eyes, and doesn’t flinch when she meets Arthur’s face again, “I mean no disrespect, but hasn’t previous attempts at this exact thing been a failure? Not only that, but you must be aware of his… condition.”

“Whatever do you mean?” 

“Reverend Pepper isn’t completely human.”

Arthur’s eyes widen for hardly a second, before he closes his eyes and nods, “We are well aware of his inhumane status. In fact, during the ritual, several more priests and witches- all under our own name- will be overlooking the rituals. As well as a charge of Dames and Knights.”

She hums, and her shoulders sag, nodding as her mind begins to drift, picturing the worst case scenarios, “Of course. I can only imagine that there would be ample security.”

“Dame Vivi.” 

She straightens up again.

“Would you like to join the onlookers tonight?” 

Heart stillen, Vivi gulps. 

“I would feel much safer with you present.” 

A carriage rolls across the dirt path - its wheels filled with creaking and its occupants spoke silent chatterings with hushed whispers - slowly approaches the secret entrance to the grand Hidorian palace. A sheltered and hidden part of the castle, where no civilian should be able to locate and travel inside without the consultant of the guards and council. 

Now, a great gathering of guards, priests and scribes were settled around its gate. The great councils and advisors of the king and the prince stood tall. Lacking care for how their fine robes draped against the ground and was stained by its dirt. Of course, none would dare mention it in the presence of the King and the Prince. 

Those two stood in the front and center of the gathering, watching the carriage roll through without a sound. 

Arthur shuffles in his spot, fists tightly pressed to his hips. Beads of sweat threaten to slide down his cheek as his anxiety grows with each creak of those wheels. Lip pulled in a nervous frown, Arthur spares the king a look, “Your majesty-”

“That isn’t my name, Arthur.” 

Uncle. Arthur spares his uncle a look, and he coughs back the urge to mention how that was inappropriate. But then again- who was going to tell them how to address one another? “Fine- Lance, uh-” As the words come out, it became abundantly clear that he didn’t have a single clue on what to ask the shorter man- who now peers over to him with an eyebrow raised, which was in itself very reminiscent of how he looked much earlier in life when his brother was king and he was a simple black smith who didn’t take anything from anyone and-

“Arthur.” 

He swallows back the urge to whine, forcing his gaze back to the carriage. He can almost see the outline of the Witch through the sun kissed tarps- and god did he look massive. Arthurs shoulders sank along with his heart and finally his brain spits out something, “Just- just nervous. I- ahem, I worry if this ritual will work, or if there will be any spies within their group or-” 

“There is no need to worry, your highness.” A priestess takes a step beside him, and her comforting presence does nothing to take away the unease on his shoulders. He meets her gaze, and it’s obvious she feels the same. It’s been this way ever since their last.. meeting. Blond hair in tight coils against her scalp, and her look of worry even more prominent, Madam Chloe continues, “According to the advisors, only Reverend Pepper will be present during the ritual.” 

“And his companions will not be coming forth into the castle.” An advisor- Duet- mentions from behind him. Arthur spares them a glance, and instead of the usual look of stoic content, there was twinges of worry lacing their features. Much like the rest of the Knights and Dames, as well as the priests and nuns and … everyone. 

It did nothing to ease the stress in his shoulders, but it wasn’t like it wasn’t expected. It was always this way. Arthur reminds himself, switching his attention back to the carriage, which finally stopped. Its Coach man lifting the door that held the key to his own salvation. 

Stepping out, was truly a monster of a man. Dressed in dark robes and wooly hair pulled back in a conservative manner, and glassy purple eyes shifting to meet his gaze. This time Arthur couldn’t even begin to process the sheer magnitude of him. Not only that but how… terrifying it was to be in his presence. He’s heard many times of what this man looks like, how tall he is, and how strong he is due to his inhuman nature. Except now it was real, and it was triple his expectation. 

But despite that, somehow, Reverend Pepper had… such a gentleness to his eye. A calm smile and his presence seemed to exude peace. All despite being a witch. Arthur gulps back his anxiety, straightening up, and looks him in the eye. 

“Welcome, Reverend Pepper. We are humbled to make your acquaintance. Was the trip smooth and stress free.” 

Pepper, chuckling the smallest bit, nods, “It was delightful to take in the scenery of your kingdom your majesty. It truly is the city of gold. However, if I may, you do not refer to me by that title. Lewis will do.” 

Arthur’s throat tightened, nodding a bit too quickly, “Lewis, of course. Please call me Arthur.” He takes a step forward and holds out his hand, suddenly overly aware of his actions when several eyes pin to his back, both from his side and Lewis’s. 

One must never knowingly take the hands of a caster, for they may be able to grab your soul through your hand and make you their servant. The lesson repeats in his head seven times before he noticed Lewis tilting his head, amused. 

“My, I didn’t take you for someone so trusting,” Lewis says, thoughtfully watching him and- to much of the horror of everyone else- takes Arthur’s hand firmly, “Thank you for allowing me the pleasure to help you, your highness. I will not fail you.”

As the King, Prince, and Witch spoke to one another, the tense and active air growing more screwed up and yet relaxed with the easy conversation. Neither the king nor Arthur paying the frightful bunches any mind. 

Madam Chloe feels a presence beside her, and eyes boring into her. Whether or not Duet wanted to speak to her, she didn’t turn her head to him. Keeping her hands clasped together and her eyes trained on every movement the prince made. 

Finally, a low whisper, “Do they seem untrustworthy to you, Madam Chloe?”

“No,” she admits, swallowing her tongue back, her fists tighten, “no, the chances of him doing anything is slim. I promise.” Nothing emitted from the man to show otherwise. No malice, no hatred, and all metallic clinks and trinkets within his robes weren’t the angry and swift voice of fallen victims, but instead a smooth, calming voice of a healer. And yet, her stomach twists and folds into knots, and Duet seemed to notice. If they were the only ones present, there’s a chance they would have placed a hand on her shoulder. Her mouth burned, but she kept her teeth ground shut. 

Duet must have heard it too, because they turn to her and watch her twitchy movements. They sigh, and turn to the King and Prince. “Your majesty, your highness.” The two turn back to him, King Lance’s expression unreadably gruff and Prince Arthur’s so obviously panicked. From behind them, Reverend Pepper leaned forward with interest- as well as everyone else. Duet continues on, “Madam Chloe and I need a moment to discuss some important matters. With your permission, may we take our leave?” 

King Lance stares at them fixedly, appearing uncaring for a single moment until it occurs to Madam Chloe just how much he seemed to debate that thought in his head. A glint being her only hint, and the rest being the grueling sensation of his aura. Tearing into her like paper. 

Do not lash out. She reminds herself, hiding her twisting fists out of sight. Only able to hope that he wouldn’t suspect anything from the two. 

“Granted,” The king says, snapping Chloe out of her spur and her eyes widen a fraction before she reminds herself to stay calm, unwavering. “Take one of the Dames or Knights with you.” 

Duet holds up a hand, “Your majesty, that wouldn’t be necessary-” 

“Take one with you. For security measures.” King Lance repeats, and this time they both knew that defying him further would end up with them in their deathbeds. Bowing their head, Duet nods.

“Of course, your Majesty. Please forgive my ignorance.” 

Chloe lifts her head more, tearing her gaze away from the king, and landing on the prince. Arthur. Who stared at her, with so much fear hidden in his eyes, fear and terror. 

I’m sorry, Arthur. 

A knight walks up to them, “Shall we be on our way?” he asks, and Chloe doesn’t respond, allowing her eyes to downcast, guilt welling up in her throat like glue. 

“Of course.” 

__

A woman was shackled to the wall. Her feet shackles as well. Her head hung low, and she didn’t move much besides for her gentle breathing- attempting to not breathe in too harshly and activate her sinuses. These dungeons were far too dirty to have breathable air. A harsh stench of a decaying body reached her nose, as well as the freely spoken words of the guards and knights of who to alert. 

”We failed to keep this one alive, what should we explain to the Captain?”

”Explain that it was the magician. It appears they casted a spell on themselves to ease them into Death’s embrace.”

The first knight scoffs, or laughs, she couldn’t tell. ”A coward’s way out, I tell you. Can’t even die with dignity.”

She cared to disagree, searching through the murky depths of her own vision to take in her own clothes. Stained with blood, powder, and losing the glow of protection she casted onto herself. Soon, she’s going to become hungry, and shrivel up in pain, wishing for anything to eat. If the Hidorian kingdom was like any other. They would leave her to starve. Or, perhaps keep her hanging onto life for as long as possible, to get answers, to show her origin, to- 

Heavy clicks fills her ears, and the knights who were posted fell silent. The scrap of metal gliding against metal alluding to the possibility that they were bowing in respect. ”Advisor Duet, It is a pleasure to see you here.”

”As well as to you. I have heard reports of a new magician dressed in green being locked away in here. May I see her?” Her blond hair falls in front of her eyes as she peers down to her stained clothes- meant to blend in with the nature around her. How could they possibly think it’s strictly green?

”Y-yes! Fo-forgive us for the conditions of her cellar, we-.. We didn’t have enough room to hold her in a prope-”

”There is no need to explain to me, I know that it isn’t customary to bring prisoners to proper rooms when one had just perished. Besides, she is in need of cleansing and washing, isn’t she?”

 The knights are silent for a second, ”Y-yes, she is still covered in… magic. D-Duet! Shall we accompany you? To ensure she doesn’t pull a nasty trick-”

A laugh, low and gentle, ”That will not be necessary. Her cellar is close, am I wrong? You do not need to follow after me then. At the very least, feel free to escort me to her. I do not want to keep her waiting.” The smug tone only brought a look of a shriveled man with a snarky grin across their face. She could spit. Spit in their face for all she cared.

”Of course, Duet. We will be you to her right now.” Her arms and muscles stiffen, clenching her eyes shut, she takes a deep breath- despite the rot filling her lungs- and holds it. Steeling herself for anything. 

”Glorious.”

Three sets of footsteps, one considerably softer than the others, traverse the dim and dirty halls to her cellar. Sure enough, three silhouettes appear in front of the bars. She didn’t lift her head. Able to feel their gaze on her, locking her in place. 

“You two may disperse now. I will handle all proceedings coming forth.” The smug voice, low and nasally, ripples through the cellar just in time for one of the grated doors to open. Much to the displeasure of the two knights, but she can imagine that Duet simply waved them off, because in the next few minutes, the two knights leave. All that was left was Duet, herself, and the dingy cellar. The chains holding her grind together awkwardly. 

For a second, there’s only silence. 

“Well, hello there, young lady. Or would you rather I refer to you differently?” 

Her jaw clenches and tightens, lungs feeling full, tight, ready to burst, and without her own input, she’s looking up at them. Cheeks full of air that squeezed past her lips. They quirk an eyebrow, twisting their head. 

Despite the darkness shrouding them both, it was clear they were smiling- but if it was for contentness or asserting, she couldn’t tell. “I wonder what you’re doing that for? Mind to release your breath and explain it to me. I’m eager to learn.” 

She doesn’t. Chest tight and instead sucking in more breath. 

“Ah, I see. You don’t want to speak to me, do you?”

Her wrists pull, blood pumping. 

Their smile drops, and they nod solemnly, “Understood. Well, I will make my case quickly for you then. If you wish to ask for clarification, I would advise you to open your mouth, or show the feistiness you possessed earlier during your capture.” 

Shit, that’s right, it dawns onto her again, and her eyebrows furrowing together from discomfort. She had been screaming earlier, as dames and guards overwhelm her, pin her to the ground in the library. Snatching her tools and forcing her into submission. All in front of the Prince she was trying so hard to take down. It wasn’t her fault-! Him becoming king would result in the end of the world-! No one would allow that- Duet takes a step forward, eyes training into hers, and in retaliation she squeezes them shut. 

“Rest assured, I have done everything in my power to find a way to ensure your safety, young lady. However, the king is far more stubborn than you are, and he doesn’t typically take much mercy to magicians and sorcerers such as yourself.” Duet hums a bit to themself, “As you can perhaps imagine why. The use of magic to manipulate the supernatural is a skill that is feared by many, especially since magic never fails. You understand why the use of magic is highly regulated and in some cases, entirely outlawed, correct?” 

They wait for a few seconds, their smiles returning, “It’s because a magician, such as yourself, assassinated the rulers of various empires and kingdoms around us. Including our previous ruler, who single handedly brought our kingdom to its golden age. Your presence, your assassination of our prince, is nothing but proof that those laws are neceassary.” 

She knew, she’s always known. FIguring out magic was hard enough as it is, but with the restrictions, its only more demanding of its user. Her lungs started to burn.

“You are to be executed by dawn, do you know that?” 

It slams into her, like a brick. Any remnant of calm shatters like glass and she gasps. Choking, sputtering, gasping for air as her head spins. Executed? Why- Duet takes a step back to dodge the spit flying from her mouth. 

“For attempted assassination of our next ruler. Surely, you would have understood that when you came into our kingdoms’ courts and violated our most sacred rules.” The smugness returned, she was in his court, and as far as she knew, there was little she could do. She peers up at him, desperation lacing her oxygen deprived brain, begging. She couldn’t tell if Duet was pitying her at that moment. “But, this isn’t the first time a magic user has entered our kingdom. And you will quickly learn that it is due to myself that they’re still here.”

What..? 

“We have a Dame who is quite famous for her work, and I know that she uses magic. It is in her blood, able to summon and borrow power from a god among animals that has sworn itself to her family. It took a long while to convince the King to allow her, but because of her good image, her new found status, it was easier to convince him to allow you a chance.”

She blinks up at him, confused, and mouth hanging agape with questions and worries she couldn’t begin to fathom. 

“The prince is quite nervous, and is in need of a priest to help him rest his worries, and figure out how to live his life with a hex plaguing him. I figured, who would be better to help him than a magician turned priestess.”

“A … a priestess..? Me…?”

“Of course. Living a life of celibacy, honor and honesty. All in exchange for not perishing tomorrow. How does that sound?” 

“F… fuck you!” She spits, grinding her teeth as rage fills her skin and boils out of her ears, surely her expression was akin to death itself, but Duet seemed entirely unphased. “I won’t do shit for you! I’d rather watch this kingdom burn to the ground with every monster in it-!” Her voice fell silent. She blinks, eyebrows furrowing as her mouth hangs open, starting to move but nothing coming out. A painful, stretched feeling overtaking her vocal chords and leaving her throat raw and strained. She tried to scream, but it only worsened the pain. 

“I wouldn’t recommend you continue, miss,” Duet says, his tone harsh and cold, uncaring, “regardless if you live for another century under the oaths of a god or die at a cross made of bones, the only tongue you will speak is truth.” Each word felt like a knife, slicing into her slowly, forcing her body to still and numb, “Only one secret will die with you, the secret of this spell, and your inability to resist the burn of hidden words on your tongue. It’ll feel much more like a hot coal in your teeth the longer you hold it back.” 

Her body shivers, crying out as her voice suddenly comes back, stinging tears falling from her eyes as her body sags and her mouth starts to burn. 

“Now,” Duet says silently, “why don’t you start with your name?”

Her stomach and arms lurch, heart pounding and nearly jumping out of her chest, up her throat and onto the floor. Before she trembles, and letters connect and fall out before she can stop them- try to.

“Ch-chloe..” 

“Madam Chloe,” Duet watches her knowingly, noticing how her arms shook and the way her jaw clenches and almost smiling. God she could rip that fucking face off of their skull if she could. Chloe’s mind screams, fists tighter than ever before. Her body has never contained so much anger, hatred, and regret than it has right now. Before being captured she could scream and fight her heart out, but priesthood was a very different ballgame. And it’s one that is filled with bitterness and fury beyond anyone’s comprehension. Even more so now that her lungs are filled with ash and the ember of a tongue has grown worse. 

But a secret isn’t a secret when it’s given to her. 

“Prince Arthur has fallen in love.” 

“Your highness,” Lewis’s voice finds him through the swarming ocean of madness and confusion, bringing his mind back to the candle lit room, and to the heavy chain around his neck. The weight of it pulling his neck down, and reminding him of how small he felt in the circle. Arthur opens his eyes to confirm if he was still there. Maybe to see if his daydream was real. 

Of course it wasn’t real. Arthurs brain reminds him, staring down at the chalk covering the floor around him, the blood red glow of the candles casting hard shadows everywhere, Lewis isn’t here to help you escape, Arthur. He’s here to cure you. Why would you even think that up in the first place? His shoulders tense up like his stomach- soured and sucked in so much it was painful, and he swallows back harshly, shooing away the wishes clouding his head more and more. 

Arthur clenches his eyes shut and allows the resulting thunder of his muscles attempt at clearing his thoughts. And when the lingering whispers of hope refused to stop, his logic bellowed. He wouldn’t ever ride away on a horse, clutching the hand of his dame and- and certainly not following the lead of this kind and gentle Witch. The grassy plains and the warm sky was nothing but a fantasy that he desperately wished to crawl away in. Maybe if he prayed hard enough, Lewis would hear and grant his worries and pull him out of that depraved room and from those begging eyes. He didn’t need to look to see those sharp gazes boring into him. Hell, Arthurs surprised he doesn’t have scars from the piercing stares- they nearly burned into his skin!

A throat clears, “Your highness,” and Arthur’s attention snaps up to Lewis, who somehow still looked peaceful even with the deranged lighting. He smiles warmly, taking Arthurs left hand- which was a trembling, shaking fist- and slowly painting on the symbols against the top. The coldness of the paint made him flinch. Lewis didn’t say anything, “You seem more nervous than before, is this bothering you?” 

“Y-you could say that.” Arthur mumbles, glaring at the hand in Lewis’s grasp and trying to will it to stop shaking as much as it did, but his words only seemed to worsen it. Much to his surprise, Lewis gently begins to massage his palm and wrist, and Arthur’s heart jumps into his throat. 

“It is understandable, Arthur.” Lewis murmurs, words already beginning to soothe him, “These types of procedures do bring out the worst of the imagination.” His eyes flicker up, a small grin dancing on his lips- or was it the light? Arthur blinks rapidly but before he could try and look and check, Lewis was done, and shuffling back to his original spot.

His heart raced, whatever it was. Arthur couldn’t even begin to wonder why the smallest look was sending his brain spiralling. Control yourself, Lewis is just- just trying to comfort you! Nothing more!

Yeah. Yeah, that’s it. Just-just keep reminding yourself of that, okay? Okay.

As soon as he was back in his proper place, Lewis sat up straight and nodded to his right. There was two persons there sat behind two large drums, and upon his signal, they slammed their mallets against it. It’s beat so loud, Arthur could feel it in every part of his body. His mind going numb, and Lewis began to explain,=.

“Tonight, I will draw this curse out from your body and into the amulet you bare now.” His voice was different, commanding, fierce, “Whatever demon is held in your soul, Arthur Kingsmen, it will be gone by dawn’s end.”

[ficstogo]

Opportunity (1/2)

Pairing: Oswald Cobblepot x Reader

Word Count: 2,867

Summary: Now that Oswald is the new owner of the club, everything changes. Too bad the talent isn’t showing on stage. Hearing about new job openings you hope that you could be the star to light up this club.

Warnings: None

A/N: Since so many people actually liked my ed one shot, I thought it was time to post an Oswald one shot.

Part 2/2

This was not how he imagined having this club would feel like. He had less business then when Fish was running it. He had a new look, a new name. None of that was really working.

Oswald stood watching as another excuse of a comedian pulled off his bit in a terrible manner. The few people that were occupying the tables rolled their eyes at the horrible jokes, some leaving not being able to stand for one more. Irritation arose inside Oswald, thinking that if it were him he would’ve done the same thing.

These incompetent people. No talent at all. They’re the reason why business is going down the toliet. I need to recruit some new and fresh attractions. Give this club life. As soon as we close I’ll put an ad on the papers and hopefully this dreadful disaster called “entertainment” will end.

Within the week hopeless dreamers and drifters came through Oswald’s club but did not suit his definition of entertainment. More painful jokes came by and no-talent musicians played what they called music. Oswald was at the end of his rope.

.~.~.~.~.

Opportunity had struck and you think this might be your chance. Being a college drop out had some disadvantages (many disadvantages) but being the optimistic person you were you felt that this was the path that was carved for you. An ad in the paper gave you the hope you needed.

Entertainers needed for club Oswald’s. Will take any form.

This could be your shot at doing something that won’t bore, irritate, or tire you out. You held the newspaper with a smile on your face thoughts, racing until a loud cough interrupted.

“Are you gonna pay for that?” the owner of the newspaper stand asked. You realized you were just standing there and got yourself together.

“Oh, of course. My bad.” You scrambled to get your money out your small yet handy messenger bag and pay the pushy man. Putting the newspaper in your messenger, you walk back towards your apartment building to get ready for this job opening.

Excited, you rushed to change into something better. First impressions always last. You rush out of your apartment until you almost forgot something. “My god, what a scatter brain…” you said to yourself when you went to your bedroom and picked up your guitar and placed it within its black case. How am I gonna perform without you, you thought to yourself.

During the walk to the club, you try to calm yourself down that way you didn’t come off too strong when you meet the employer. You tugged on your grey sweater and pulled down on your black beanie to cover your ears. The weather in Gotham is always gloomy but you noticed that it started to pick up on the cold. The wind started slapping your cheeks to a light pink color.

Entering the very welcomed warm air that’s in the club, your leather black boots made an impression on the silent club towards the bar where a man in a red vest had his back to you, organizing the liquor for the night. “Excuse me,” you said a bit timidly, “Um, I’m here for the ad in the paper. I was hoping that I could try out for the job opening…”

The man turned around a bit surprised at first but then went to a relaxed state. Must’ve thought I was apart of the mob or something. “Of course. Wait here, I’ll go get Mr. Cobblepot.” as he said that he left his area and rushed to the back where the office might have been. You stood there, hands clasped in front of you, your nerves trying to get the better of you. Trying not to think about it, you looked around realizing how elegant the place looked. Chandeliers, the dim lights, the stage, it felt like the highest people of society came here.

You then heard footsteps coming to your spot. You looked up and saw the bartender along with a man who had a very noticeable limp. He wore a fancy suit and his pitch black hair swept to the side in contrast of his pale white face. To be honest, you didn’t think he was bad looking at all, although he had an irritated look on his face. He stopped in front of you, bartender in tow, and gave an innocent smile. “Hello, my name is Oswald Cobblepot,” his hand rose. You took it and shook it. “I’m the one in charge here.” he said in a proud tone. “You’re here for the opening I presume?”

“Oh, uh, yes. My name is Y/N. I wanted to seize the opportunity when I saw it in the papers. I’m hoping that you might give me this chance.”

“Of course! We are in the land of opportunity aren’t we?” His arms rose along with his smile.

You chuckled at this and responded “Yes, yes it is.” He walked leading you to the front of the stage. He sat down on one of the chairs that were near by. You stood at the side starring at him.

“So, what will you be performing for us today to ensure a spot in this club?”

“Well I was hoping to do the cliched talent, that you probably already seen a thousand times during your hunt.” You took off the guitar case that was strapped securely on you. “Just play and sing for you is all.”

Oswald gestured to the stage. “You have the floor my dear.” Butterflies flew in your stomach. This rarely ever happens but this is a job interview, in a way. A high stool and a microphone were provided. On the way to the stool you were trying to think up a song to sing, Of course, perform for this guy but have no song in mind to sing. Nice way to rush into things Y/N. As soon as you sat down you already thought up a song to play. You just hoped that he would like this song, he looks like he would be into this type of music.

You took a breath, closed your eyes, and eased yourself to the situation you were in. You placed your fingers on the notes and began to strum.



I’m a mess That’s the best way to describe it Having no time to myself is the only way I can fight it When I’m alone it’s like I’m staring into a mirror Don’t know the person inside it and that’s never been any clearer

I miss your family and I miss all our friends If you had it to do over would you do it over again, Cause I would, this meant something more to me There’s a hole in my heart where you used to be

I still wish you the best of luck, baby And don’t go thinking this was a waste of time I couldn’t forget you if I tried

You killed what was left of the good in me I’m tired so let me be broken Look down at the mess that’s in front of me No other words need be spoken And I’ve got nobody else to blame though I tried Kept all of our past mistakes held inside I’ll live with regret for my whole life

I confess that I brought this all on myself Condemned to suffer alone, like there’s nobody else When you’re gone, it’s like a whole part of me’s missing So I’ll keep living the lie and just hope that you’re listening

I tried to make us a life here But our foundation was built on sand No time to run until the damage was done And I’ve never had the upper hand

I still wish you the best of luck, baby And don’t go thinking this was a waste of time I couldn’t forget you if I tried

You killed what was left of the good in me I’m tired so let me be broken Look down at the mess that’s in front of me No other words need be spoken And I’ve got nobody else to blame though I tried Kept all of our past mistakes held inside I’ll live with regret for my whole life

All the things you love are all the things I hate How did we get here in the first place?

I play it cool but it’s hard to be (All my trust) Is slowly burning inside of me (Over what) There can’t be anymore progress, I know our fate The only thing that can heal this is time and space

You killed what was left of the good in me I’m tired so let me be broken Look down at the mess that’s in front of me No other words need be spoken And I’ve got nobody else to blame though I tried Kept all of our past mistakes held inside I’ll live with regret for my whole life For my whole life

Oswald couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It’s actual talent. This woman could fix all his problems, he felt. An astonished look was drawn on his face. He noticed this and shook his head slightly to get out of his thoughts. Oswald stood up abruptly and applauded Y/N. The bartender now realizing what was going on, clapped along with Oswald. “Bravo, amazing! This is the best audition I’ve heard so far this week. Incredible talent!”

You looked at him surprised, astonished at what he was saying. This is good, you thought. You walked down the stage with guitar in hand, only to meet face to face with Oswald. “Really?” you asked.

“Of course! You officially have this job.” He said in a happy tone.

“Oh my god! Thank you! I needed this, Thank you!” A surge of happiness pulsed through your body.

“You’re quite welcome my dear. When can you start?”

“Oh, uh, would tommorow night be fine?” you asked.

“Tommorow night would be fantastic. I’ll see you then.” he then walked away to his office. You then had some questions pop in your head and stopped him before he’d gone too far.

“Mr. Cobblepot, do I have to wear anything specific like a uniform or something?” you asked.

“Oh, no that’s not necessary. Anything appropriate if you don’t want to deal with grabby hands.” Oswald said giving you a warning that you understood. “Oh! And just Oswald. I dont like to be too formal. I have a small orchestra that you can work with whenever and practice when needed.” Oswald then turned away from you.

.~.~.~.

Because of working in Oswald’s club for awhile he appointed you to be in charge of finding new acts to fill up the club which you’ve done well at. He felt that you brought more business here, like you where the star attraction. Oswald found himself being quite fond of you and how you treat him better then other people ever have but not from fear or the fact that he’s your boss. You yourself have started to like Oswald as well. A gentleman and very respectful you appreciated the fact that he isn’t like most men in Gotham.

It was another night and you had just finished a show leaving the stage to one of the many acts you had hired. As usual you stayed behind taking a seat at the bar ordering a soda since you didn’t like the way alcohol tasted. Proudly watching the musician sing his song, you hadn’t noticed a man walking up to you, drink in hand. Oswald had, knowing full well the bad intentions he had in mind. Watching intently from a distance, Oswald called over Butch to come to his side with instructions leaving his lips.

“You performed very well tonight.” You faced the voice that was speaking to you, rolling your eyes, and turning away from another flirt.

“Thanks.” you mumbled from your drink. He then took a seat next to you, irritated that he won’t go away.

“Name’s Zachary. You?” he sticks out his hand for you to shake. Being polite you shook his hand with him giving a slight squeeze.

“Y/N. Nice to meet you?” You didn’t realize it came out as a question. It might have been nice to have met him but then again, when is it ever nice to meet a guy from Gotham? There’s Oswald, you thought, far better then these animals.

“Might I add that you look very beautiful as well.” Oh great, loaded compliments. Just what I need. All you wore tonight is a black floral dress with a tan comfy sweater over it. Nothing special.

“Gee, thanks.” You faced the stage trying to signal that you wanted the conversation to end and for him to walk away, unfortunately he either didn’t take the hint or he’s just very persistent.

“Mind if I buy you a drink?”

“Uh, yeah, considering I already have one. In my hands.” You gestured to your drink.

“Well, yeah. I mean after you’re done with that.”

“Yes I do mind then because I’ll be leaving after this.”

“Then I’ll take you home. I wouldn’t want a pretty lady walking home in the middle of the night. It’s very dangerous to do so.”

You stood up, getting your purse to pay for the drink, you fixed your dress and said “Thanks but I’ve managed before and I think I can again uh, Zachary.”

Before you could even take a step, he stood up stopping you from taking the exit. “No I insist, I would be terribly worried all night if I didn’t know if you made it home or not. Please, let me walk you.”

“Like I said, I can manage.” You try walking around him he blocked you once again.

“Then let me get your number that way I can call and see if you’re alright.”

“How about you let me leave and you go annoy someone else.”

“What’s the matter? I’m just trying help.” His hand found it’s way to your upper arm, giving you a smile that tries to say ‘I’m telling the truth’.

“Honestly, I don’t want your help, all I want you to do is to leave me alone and let me go home.” You’ve had enough of this guy pestering you with phony excuses just so he get into your pants, well, under your dress.

“No need to flare up. It’s just you’re such a pretty girl and I just wanted to talk and get to know you is all.” His hand then went under your chin making you look up at him. Ugh, can he not.

“Excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but overhear but I suggest you listen to the pretty girl and leave her alone.” Thank God, it’s Oswald. You stepped away from the creep, happy that someone came by, and faced Oswald. Zachary grabbed a hold of your elbow, tugging you to him.

Zachary looked at Oswald up and down. “Yeah, why don’t you back off waddles. Me and her were just talking.” Oswalds mouth formed a straight line, his eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“Butch.” Was all that was said from Oswald.

“Yeah boss.” Butch was right beside Oswald, knowing exactly what he was to do next. Oswalds eyes never left Zachary but a small smirk formed on Oswalds lips knowing the full beating the fool was about to endure soon.

“Can you please escort this fine gentleman out to the back. I think he’s had one too many to drink tonight.” Knowledge of this man’s pain that was about to ensue right in the back of the club brought a large smile to his face.

“Of course.” Butch walked over to Zachary, pulling on his collar, leading him to the back door. While no one was looking, Butch brought the baseball bat that was leaning right next to the door, without Zachary noticing.

“Thanks for that Oswald.” You walked up to Oswald, grateful for what he had done, a smile slithering it’s way to your face.

“It’s my pleasure. I couldn’t stand to witness someone harassing one of my employees, especially you.” A slight pink blush sprinkled on Oswalds cheeks. How sweet of him to say!

“Well thank you. Now I know that I’m safe here at work with you around.” There was a moment of silence, both of youjust smiling. “Um, before I go, I was wondering if you like to join me for lunch tomorrow or something.”

“Oh, uh, yes. That would be an excellent change to my usual lunch routine.” How adorable he’s blushing. You smiled noticing this.

“You have my number so call me anytime.” you went to Oswald, placing a kiss on his cheek. He tensed up at this wondering if this was some sort of dream. A girl was actually kissing him, that wasn’t his mother. It felt great even if it wasn’t on his lips. Your lip gloss slightly stained his cheek which he didn’t mind at all. “Thank you again.” You walked away, waving to Oswald. He stood there with a smile on his face, he turned around and walked with more confidence to his office. Won’t tommorow be a great day.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[moeruhoshi]

Unfinished and unedited WIP i dont know what to fucking do with--its been so long and i still can’t come up with an endiiiiing

Her father had locked her away so many years ago, after the death of her mother, not wanting to bother himself with even so much a sight of his grieving daughter. She was sent off to a castle no longer in use, dreary and dread, archbishops and dukes residing here many years ago. A staff was employed to keep her healthy and alive; the only traits her father cared for until she was ready to send away, again, for marriage. Pleasantly enough, her mother’s things were also sent out of the castle along with her; books, clothing, bedsheets, crowns. Lucy had the spirit of her mother by her side, not that it helped much to dampen her feelings of loss and loneliness.

And as she grew older, the staff grew smaller and smaller, soon she was all who was left, goodbyes pardoned for the poor who received illness or were ordered to return to the capital. Lucy enjoyed taking care of herself, being able to do as she liked when she liked, although etiquette still burned true in her veins. Unlearning the proper ways to stand, eat, and walk were ones hard to reprogram. She wondered someday if her father would even send for her, or continue to keep her far beneath his reach in an old castle left to perish empty and alone. Someone back home was at least thinking of her, or else food deliveries were sure to stop.

“See you again, Princess!” Zoldeo waved as he drove away her cart, Lucy waving back, sighing to herself as she was once again left without company. The two always had somewhat pleasant conversations as they moved her grains, potatoes, and other perishables from the cart and into her kitchen, his tales usually of the constant buzzing lifestyle in the center of the kingdom. Lucy missed the busyness of the streets, horse hooves on cobblestones, children laughing and begging their parents for a treat. She missed the festivals and fireworks, or really any sound that wasn’t constant flourishing wind. She never braved leaving her home farther than the garden she created in fear of getting lost in the surrounding woods without a guide to help her find her way.

The princess turned on her heel as the servant was now out of sight, flinching as the leaves rustled behind her back. It was probably a bunny, she assured herself, hoping to be able to treat it with a carrot if it trusted her scent enough. A whimper revealed itself, whoever behind the leaves unable to breach them.

“H-Hello?” Lucy called as she edged closer to the boundary of the trees, peering ever so slightly into the shaded area. She gasped, eyes casting over an injured dragon nearly a foot or so taller than her, wings furled trying to hide the gash on his side that only continued to drip blood into the grass.

“Oh goodness, are you alright?!” She asked as she stepped over the shrubbery to observe him more closely. He growled as she tried to carelessly touch his scales, Lucy backing away with an apology.

“Let me help you, okay? I promise I’ll be gentle,” She smiled softly, holding out a hand for him to sniff in acquaintance. His snout pat her palm as he accepted her scent, gruffing in approval to allow her to continue. Lucy thanked him as he pulled away his wing, eyes wide as she took in the entirety of his injuries.

“Let me see your eyes,” She mumbled to his craning head, their deep yellow muddled and shaky. “Poisoned...”

“Well, you’re lucky to have made it so close to my home,” She scratched the underside of his chin lightly. “Do you think you can walk? I’d be able to help you much more if you come inside. I’ve studied my mother's medicine books, so I should be of some help,”

It was a rather grueling task, one Lucy would be grateful to never have to do again. She helped the dragon to his feet, wincing as he did, apologizing for stirring his pain. They hobbled around the side of her castle and aimed for the much grander front entrance through which he’d be able to fit. They plopped against the harder tile floor, Lucy groaning as she fell to her back by his side, wiping the sweat having trailed from her hairline.

“I have not carried so much as an apple basket compared to even the slightest bit of you, Sir Dragon,” She puffed, receiving only but a glance as he adjusted himself. The foyer was quite large, stairs coming from either the west and east wing to meet at the center of the palace, a large painting of the late queen hanging above them. She moved to close the large wooden doors, dragon curled in the middle of the room.

“Not as comfortable as it could be, I know,” She spoke more to herself than the dragon, if he could even understand what she was saying as she moved to ascend her staircase. “I’m much more comfortable having you move again once we close that awful wound. Let me gather some supplies and hurry before that gets anymore infected.”

There was only so much the princess could do in this empty home of hers, reading being the most common and effective escape. Books were able to take her to far away lands, lead her on adventures with the friends she made every page, find ways out of sticky situations and conquer villains thought to have been unbeatable. After reading all the fictional books she could get her hands on, there were those of a more boring genre but provided Lucy with valuable information. She enjoyed those on gardening and apothecary, taking into account which plants outside were safe for her to eat and those she could turn into salves or soaps, ointments to ale ailments she may mysteriously encounter. She collected jars of her creations, reusing ones from her jams and marmalades, Zoldeo often arriving with empty ones she had asked for. Bandages and thick thread as well, she had a knack for sewing dresses and attempted her hand at a pillow suture, just in case. The stories she read were wonderful at sending the message to be prepared. Of course Lucy just liked learning in general and was glad if any of her skills could come in handy; but having to care for a dragon may not have been one she anticipated.

He watched as she came back with an armful of jars and white rolls, setting them down in front of him before she made her way towards her kitchen, telling him she would be needing a water and rags as well.

“I’m glad it’s just us here, otherwise I’m sure someone would have a fit over the mess I’m about to make,” She laughed, setting down the sloshing bucket next to his side. The cut wasn’t long but it appeared deep, or along an artery that more speedily exposed him to the effects of the poison. She took a mortar and pestle, picking dried leaves out of several jars to crush them together in almost a near fine powder.

“I’m going to mix this into the water to help clean out anything that might be in your wound,” She explained, popping open another jar with sticky white paste. “Now, is it alright if I help you fall asleep?”

He gruffed and shook his head, almost glaring at the blonde for suggesting what could be an opportunity for her to easily betray him, relationship too new for his trust.

“That’s alright,” She chuckled, smearing the paste below his nostrils with her thumb. “This should help ease the sting of me clearing your injury, don’t lick it or you will fall asleep,”

“Now please, try not to hurt me while I do this,” She sighed with a nervous smile, petting the dragon from the base of a horn down his neck, satisfied as he released a small purr. She took one of the few clean rags she brought with her, dipping it into the water before ringing it out above the jagged cut. He howled, tail thwomping against the floor as she continued, gobs of clustered blood sticking to leaves and small twigs, some small pebbles and rocks flooding out.

“Shh, it’s okay,” She reassured him as she cleaned around the wound as well before preparing to stitch him up. The dragon whimpered as she pressed the edges together, dipping her needle into the remaining water before piercing through his scaled appearance. Luckily more was closer to the soft underbelly of his skin, making it a slightly faster process but still uncomfortable as he continued to cry out.

“Now this,” She gestured to another jar of thicker, gloopy looking ointment. “Will help heal you faster, I’ll apply it everyday until there’s nothing but a scar,”

Lucy smiled as he became dazed, head falling by her side as she washed away the remaining blood and brushed her fingers carefully over the stitching. She stood up after pasting his bandages on, sighing at the bloody slosh around them, pushing up her sleeves as she went to retrieve fresh water and a mop.

“Let’s make you something to eat, something to get rid of that poison, hmm? Not too much, I don’t want your stomach pressing on your wound.” She huffed and wiped the sweat from her brow, the dragon having laid still while she cleaned up the aftermath. He furled his wings as she walked away, returning some time later with a grunt or two, heaving a pot of stew in front of him.

“You sure are making the lady sweat, Sir Dragon. I hope it’s not too hot, but I’m sure you won’t mind it. You breathe fire, don’t you?” She smiled as he nodded, dipping into the pot with a sniff. “There are a lot of herbs, to help get rid of those nasty toxins. I’d hate to know whoever tried to hurt you. Not a hunter I hope?” He shook his head, mildly lapping at the soup to curb his hunger.

“Something else in the woods?” She gasped as he nodded, Lucy’s hand stroking softly against the scales of his neck as she watched him eat. “Goodness, I’ll do my best to be careful going outside, hopefully whatever it was has already gone away.”

“It has gotten quite late, I didn’t even notice the time,” She yawned gracefully behind her hand after returning from the kitchen again. The dragon had curled in on himself, eye glancing as she gave him one last scratch for the day.

“Will you be alright sleeping by yourself? Do you need a blanket?” His chest seemed to rise with a chuckle and another shake of his head, his eyes closing as they rested against his claws.

“I’ll be upstairs if you need anything...do you have a name? I think it’s a bit rude to simply call you ‘Dragon’. Although I doubt you can answer,” She giggled, kneeling to his side. “Shall I call you Gonzales?”

He seemed to turn sour at the name, disagreeing instantly as she pouted.

“No one likes that name, I personally think it’s cute,” She humphed. “How about... Kaen? It means flame,”

He shook his head again, gesturing to a tapestry hanging above her with a large sun needlepointed into it.

“The sun? Taiyo?”

He disagreed, continuing to nod towards the tapestry in suggestion.

“Summer, maybe? Natsu?” She laughed as he nodded, clapping her hands together. “Natsu it is! Well then, goodnight, Natsu.”

Lucy gave him a chaste kiss upon the tip of his snout before gracefully taking her leave to her room upstairs, happy to finally take off her dampened dress.

She yawned as the sun shone brightly on her edge of the woods, coaxing her to move out of bed and get ready for the day. The princess dressed in much lighter clothing this time, excited as she skipped down her stairs to the one she was taking care of.

“Good morning, Natsu!” She chirped as she opened the curtains, the dragon grunting as the sunlight flooded in. “Its a bit improper to be so loud, but I never get to greet anyone in the morning.” The princess sighed as he lifted himself for her to inspect his eyes.

“Oh good, they’re not so red anymore. I’ll make us some breakfast and then give you a bath, hmm? That should help make you feel better. Some more ointment and fresh bandages too.”

Natsu seemed too tired to care either way as she walked off to conduct their day. He lazily opened an eye as she came back with another soup again in its large pot, listing their ingredients and their benefits before going to fetch a bucket of water, bringing down a whole collection of jars again to mix bubbly water and began to scrub him with a content smile.

“Do you like that? What a good boy,” She giggled as he purred, Lucy brushing along his tail, the dragon wagging it and turning to nudge her with his snout. The bristles continued to stimulate his scales, Natsu almost ready to roll over at the tickling sensation. He licked her cheek lightly as she moved along his back and over the patterned spikes, Lucy laughing and caressing his head as it rested on her shoulder. He mumbled and pressed against her as she made her way up his horns, sighing delightfully.

“Now that we’re done,” The blonde hummed as she pasted on his clean bandages. “Would you like to hear a story?”

“This one is one of my favorites,” Lucy sighed as she set down a stack of books she was all too eager to bring down and share with the dragon. “Although I don’t think you’d be too happy that the prince tries to defeat the dragon, hmm?” She giggled as he shook his head.

“It’s a lovely story I always thought, my mother would read it to me whenever I was upset. I think it’s wonderful when he rescues his princess at the end,”

“Oh, goodness, I haven’t introduced myself, have I?” She smiled as she stood from her place at his side, taking the edges of her skirt to offer a deep curtesy.

“Princess Lucy Heartfilia of Fiore,” His eyes seemed to widen as she bowed to him. “My father sent me here after mother died, if you’re curious why I’m so far from home.” The conversation fell short as she sat back down, pulling a book from the stack as she turned to him with a smile.

“Now, this is a story about my best friends. My mother wrote it for me,”

And so, Lucy spent her days eager to finally wake up with someone by her side, not literally but caring for the dragon was enough to fill the loneliness she had been experiencing all these years. They would eat together and she would redress his wound, occasionally give him baths as well. The two spent most of their time curled with Lucy leaning against his neck, the princess going on to read him each of her favorite books, dramatizing the adventures and trying her best to make them come to life, thoroughly embarrassed when all the dragon would do was look at her. He always looked like he was on the verge of speaking, which made Lucy curious and a bit upset, she missed the ability to speak with another person, but Natsu responded well enough. There were nights she fell asleep in the middle of reading, curled against the dragon, his tail moving to act as a blanket. She’d wake up dreary and warm, quick to apologize for drooling on his scales. He’d greet her each morning with a lick to her cheek, Lucy giggling as she pushed his slobbering tongue away. It had been almost a month since their meeting, Natsu nearly healed, Lucy’s salve working wonders and herbs working quickly to flush the toxins out of his system.

“Good morning, Natsu,” Lucy yawned delicately behind her hand as she made her way down the stairs, stopping halfway as she saw him padding around more actively, looking antsy as he eyed the drawn curtains.

“Oh, would you like to go outside? I’m sure you’re tired of staying cooped up in here, and your wound has just about healed!” Lucy smiled as she walked towards the large door.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[andymull]

WWE SummerSlam 2019 - Preview & Predictions

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Seth Rollins – Universal Championship Match

Again, yeah. If its not Lesnar/Reigns then its this and it will continue to be this as they thinks it’s the best way to put Rollins over but don’t realise its their actual booking that’s the main problem.

Seth gives Brock the opportunity to have a really fun match with a guy that can go who will sell great for him too, but, the storyline we’ve been given here is that Rollins took a hell of a beating the other week and isn’t 100% going into the match so he’s going to be badly selling for a lot of this match then ignoring the injury to hit all his moves.

It will still be an ok match but could be more, as I imagine this to be more of a storyline match rather than a full on normal match if you get what I mean. In terms of the winner I was pretty set on Lesnar keeping the title but with Seth giving that weirdly poor promo on Raw had him pretty much guarantee the win, so who knows. My ultimate dream here is Rollins being too injured to fight and Riddle debuts to brawl with Lesnar after being backstage for Watch Along, its Riddle’s hope to retire Lesnar at some point and I need that to happen as it will be such a hard hitting bout with tons of technical moves along the way - ROLLINS

Becky Lynch (c) vs Natalya – Raw Women’s Championship Submission Match

With the Toronto crowd I expect to see an Austin level reaction in Canada from them towards Becky which she will love, it’s a shame she’s facing Nattie here as I feel she isn’t at the tip top level anymore but can still go and should be fine here.

I see the finish to the match being Becky working over the arm of Nattie but Nattie gaining the advantage, she goes for the sharpshooter but cant apply it properly as her arm hurts and as she is pausing Becky reverses it into a dis-armer for the submission victory - LYNCH

Kofi Kingston (c) vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match

A match next where the title change should have happened what 11 years ago? Now though this match really doesn’t do much for me at all. Orton majorly feels in cruise control the past few years and truthfully would do wonders leaving the company for alittle while for something new and fresh if he still has the desire. But remember, he hasn’t been around properly for weeks for this, a title feud, as he’s been on holiday so……

Still not feeling the Kofi title run sadly, and its gone from me thinking they may change the belt quickly to then have him chase it back to gain some momentum back to him being someone’s pet project backstage and they will keep on trying to make him seem/feel a top guy until the fans really get bored of it – KINGSTON

Bayley (c) vs Ember Moon – Smackdown Women’s Championship Match

Another women’s match with no real excitement behind it, which sucks as Ember getting her first big singles match on the main roster should be a lot more important. But the way she’s been handled since debuting has made it so hard for fans to take her serious as a deadly threat, she should be handled the same as an Undertaker or Aleister Black in making her seem mysterious and special, not having her backstage joking with others, maybe when she’s accepted as one of the main women in the company but definitely not before that.

Honestly outside of like the top 5 women on the main roster a lot of the others haven’t been made to feel special at all, then when they get an opportunity the crowd isn’t fully with them and management lose faith in the woman when really it’s the overall presentation of the character that’s sorely missing. And the reason I say this is because Bayley’s title reign has mostly been against women of this level to keep her away from the Charlotte feud to run that later in the year, so its really harming Bayley as well as the others looking to get their chance. I know most people were in favour of the women getting their own tag team belts but honestly when there isn’t much depth in the singles division this NEEDS to be the focus, just having Asuka and Kairi Sane as singles competitors booked as a threat would make the whole scene feel better but instead they are a bit of a joke team around to give Paige something to do. Lets get Asuka/Moon running again on Smackdown and really show some competition in going for Bayley and her belt to make her feel more important too – BAYLEY

Kevin Owens vs Shane McMahon

If Owens loses he will be forced to quit……..I hate these match stipulations I really do, I fully imagine they may go the route earlier in the show of having pressure put on Shane to put his role on the line too. Otherwise whats to stop someone like Elias coming in and punching Shane for Shane to then win instantly by DQ and have Owens fired? That’s why these match stips are awful lol

The talk of Shane going for the title have thankfully died down as of late so hopefully someone important has reconsidered that idea, don’t be surprised if it returns though……

Owens should be doing something a lot better than this, no offense to Shane but his deal was a fairly big one and they feel the need to use him a lot to make the most out of their money - OWENS

Trish Stratus vs Charlotte

Now this could be a very interesting match, the last it seems of Trish’s career and also the way they came up with to not have Charlotte miss out on the show and payoff. Not that im cycnical here or anything but this feels like something Charlotte asked for knowing she wasn’t in the title picture but knowing this match would feel a lot more important than the actual title matches on this show…..

Hopefully there wasn’t anything to it on Raw with Trish being in the tag match and never tagging in, felt alittle suspicious at the time but also could just be their way of putting it off till the actual show (no idea why they felt the need to have in the tag match though?).

I imagine the finish here being really hot with the Canadian crowd but with Charlotte taking the victory then having Trish either shake her hand or raise her hand, to point out who the real star of the women’s division is in managements eyes….. - CHARLOTTE

Goldberg vs Dolph Ziggler

The booking of this has been weird and full of strange decisions, but ultimately to me this is a favour to Goldberg after his awful match with Undertaker the company has quickly given both guys the chance to get back out there and show that isn’t the condition they currently are in and can do a lot better still. Taker teamed with Reigns to pick his spots and Bill here fights Ziggler to steamroll through and hit all of his spots without being knocked funny beforehand.

Expect Ziggler to go straight back to the Miz feud on Raw and never mention Goldberg again after this weeks tv, honestly, I fully expect this to have been forgotten VERY SOON - GOLDBERG

AJ Styles (c) vs Ricochet

At last we reach what should be the match of the show, interference aside, both guys will be looking to make a big impact to be seen as the best and also help get Ricochet over huge. Ricochet seems to be one the projects that Heyman is taking on in his new role on Raw, getting big wins and good angles as well as being on screen around the likes of Lesnar so that it doesn’t feel weird when he finally earns the chance to step in there for a title match down the road.

Its an interesting time for AJ and the OC, Gallows and Anderson are finally getting the tv time and attention they deserve after signing new deals but Styles needs to be around the world title picture and feels alittle stagnant around the secondary title scene. Hopefully they continue to get good spots and move up the card, ideally for me we see Balor join them after his break and come back as a heel to see a four man group just destroy people on both shows to really get the club noticed big time. Then after a year you can go the route of Styles and Balor arguing over the leader role and who sides with whom which should be great – RICOCHET

Finn Balor vs ‘The Fiend’ Bray Wyatt

So, no demon means no win for Balor, The Fiend makes his debut and has to win simple right?

From what we hear Finn is taking some time out after the show so a win really is vital tonight, Wyatt taking the win is vital and also lets them set up a rematch down the road with Balor back as the demon - FIEND

Drew Gulak (c) vs Oney Lorcan – Cruiserweight Championship Match

And finally, the cruiserweight title match, featuring Oney after winning a six pack challenge match on 205 Live. Should be a fun, fast paced match with Lorcan looking to push the pacing while Drew tries his best to slow it down to his pace and submission style. Would be fun for Lorcan to get the title but doesn’t feel time yet as he still is more of a tag guy on NXT than a singles guy on 205 Live for me – GULAK

 Just added to the pre show:

Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross vs The IIconics

Apollo Crews vs Buddy Murphy

Both matches should be fun, l love Billie :), and that second match should be real fast paced and great to get both guys a showcase of what they can do.

Should be a good show and hopefully not too many more matches/angles get added as these PPV’s really are too long lately, to the point that a number of matches in the middle of shows are facing quiet crowds who are dead. It used to be that match before the main event was the tough spot to be in as everyone was there to see what happens when your match ends, but now its exhaustion from 5 hour shows upto 7 hours sometimes with pre-shows.

The main thing I expect is something added for Reigns, there are so many other guys in this company that dont have a match its dreadful when you think about it

Im not sure we will see many surprise tonight, both from the matches or from debuts or run-ins, as this feels like it may close out afew feuds with the build to Survivor Series starting over this weeks tv. Hopefully im wrong as everyone loves a good surprise or two on a big show to get everyone talking and speculating.

Enjoy the show

Bye for now

Andy

[gh0stgurl]

Revenge is Calling: Part 2

Summary: Y/N found her case, but its not a normal one. She calls an old friend for back up. Things go wrong, when she goes in alone. While Dean is back at the bunker. Hes going crazy trying to find her, where could she have gone?

Characters: Dean X Reader, Sam, Bobby, Castiel

Word Count: 1678

Series WARNING:Angst, Language, Violence, Torture, PTSD, fluff

Series Masterlist / Tumblr Masterlist

A/N:This is Part 2 of a 6 part series. I dont feel like I wrote Bobby properly. I'm still new at this so. Also if you want to be tagged send me an ask and i will gladly add you.

Sam walked into the war room. He saw 2 folded papers on the center of the table. One said Dean and the other Sam. He stopped a few feet before the table, not wanting to read the letter. Reluctantly he walked to the table, grabbed the letter and read it.

Sam,

I know this isn’t the best way to do this, but this is how it had to be. I know you and Dean too well to try to tell you in person. I need time way from the bunker and Dean. I can’t keep fighting with him all the time. So I’m going on a hunt, hopefully the time away will help me think. It should be a few days, a week max.

I’m sorry I’m leaving a mess for you to clean up. This isn’t your problem to deal with, it’s mine and Dean’s. I will make it up to you I promise. Please makes sure Dean doesn’t loose his head over this. I know it’s going to be like trying to contain an atomic bomb, but if anyone can do it, it’s you.

Keep him safe for me,

Y/n

Sam sat down rereading the letter. Trying to think of ways to keep Dean from going batshit crazy. Y/N owes him big time.

Dean’s P.O.V

Why is she so stubborn? I should talk to her. Try to make her understand that I cant loose her. I thought while walking into the war room. God, I miss her.

“Sammy? What are you doing?” he turned around and looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Dean, uh I didn’t expect to see you up so early.”

“Dude, its almost noon. How long have you been sitting here?”

“I don’t know, since 6 maybe?”

“Ok never mind, is Y/n up yet? I need to talk to her.” As soon as I mentioned y/n, he looked at a piece of paper that was in his hands. I hadn’t noticed it till now. It had Sam on it, written in your handwriting. He looked up at me with a slightly pained look in his eyes.

“Dean, She’s gone.”

Rapid City, South Dakota

You found a case that was close enough to someone, to where you didn’t feel alone. It was also far enough away where you wouldn’t run into Dean every 5 seconds. You just hope he didn’t find this case.

This case was super unusual. It might even be 2 different cases. There was cattle mutilations on one side of town. On the other side of town 3 women have gone missing from a local bar. They turned up 2 to 3 days later, hearts missing. You were confused as hell, you called up the closest hunter that you could actually be around.

“Hello”

“Hey Bobby, I need your help if your free.”

“What happened to Dean and Sam? Are they not helping you?”

“No, I’m on my own right now and I’m confused as hell right now.”

“Wow, I’m surprised Dean's not with you. He never wants to leave your side on a hunt.” You stayed quite for a few second. “ He doesn’t know you on a case does he?”

“Well, technically no. I left him a note.”

“Idjit, that boy is going to kill you once he finds you.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“He’ll be….. This is Dean we are talking about. He flipped out when you twisted your ankle last year. Where are you?”

“Rapid City.”

“Okay I will be there soon, but you owe me an explanation.”

“Yeah I will explain everything when you get here. Bobby please don’t tell them I called you.”

“Fine”

Dean’s P.O.V

“What do you mean she’s gone?” I crossed my arms and just starred him down.

“I mean she left, here.” Sam turned around grabbing a paper from the table before turning back to hand it to me. “Read it.”

I looked down at my hand, seeing my name written on the outside. I was dreading what it said but I opened it and started reading.

Dean,

By the time you read this I will be long gone, but I had to do it this way or you would try to stop me. I know I took the cowards way out, by leaving in the middle of the night. I’m sorry I need time away. I cant handle all the fighting anymore. I think that the time away will be good for both of us.. I’m just letting you know, I’m working a case. I will be back in a few days, a week tops. I promise I will be careful. If I need help I will call someone.

Please don’t worry about me. I know that you will even with me telling you not too, just don’t worry too much. I love you. I will be home soon.

Love,

Y/N

“Damn It!” I ran my hands down my face, before pulling my phone out of my pocket. I call y/n, but she doesn’t answer. I keep calling until it starts going straight to voicemail. Either your phone died or you turned it off.

Cas! Get down here! I “prayed” to Cas. He popped in seconds later.

“Cas I need you to find Y/N.”

“I can’t Dean”

“What do you mean you can’t! You didn’t even try! Now do it!”

“I can’t! I already tried earlier when Sam prayed. She warded herself. I cant find her.”

Reader

You were waiting at the diner for Bobby, when your phone started ringing.

Dean

“Well I guess he found the note.” You clicked ignore, not even 5 seconds later his face popped up again. You set your phone off the side, trying to ignore the ringing. By the 10th time you couldn’t handle it, so you shut your phone off.

Not long after that Bobby walked through the door. He came over to you with a big smile on his face. You got up and gave him a hug before sitting back down with him.

“Hey kid, you owe me that explanation now.”

You let out a big sigh, before telling him everything.

“I know its stupid but I had to get out before one of us took it too far.”

“Yeah, you’re both idjits. Tell me something I don’t know.” He gave you a sympathetic look. “So the case?”

“Okay, so here’s the thing, it might be 2 different cases but I’m not totally convinced. On one side of town, there are cattle mutilations. Which sound like a Vampire. On the other side, 3 girls have went missing. They turned up a few days later with their hearts ripped out. Which tells me werewolf. I went to the ME's office yesterday , and there were fang marks on all 3 girls.”

“Well You sure know how to pick them. Do you have a description of the girls? Where they were taken from? We can start there.

“Yeah” you hand Bobby everything you have. “They were taken from the bar down the street. The girls are late 20s to early 30s. Long y/h/C hair, around 5’8”….” You start starring at your hands once Bobby realized where You were going with this.

“Kid I don’t think this is a good idea” concern written all over his face. “We don’t even know which one it is, or if its both of them yet.”

“I have to do something.”

“Dean will kill both of us if something happens to you.”

“He will be fine, he’s already pissed off at me so nothing new there.”

“That may be true but that doesn’t mean that you should throw yourself in before we figure this out.”

“I’m going to do this, one way or another. Either its with your help or I go by myself. I’m not going to wait for someone else to get snatched.”

Your conversation was interrupted when Bobby’s phone started ringing.

“Speak of the devil.” He turned the phone to show you Dean’s name on his screen. Bobby flipped it back to himself and answered it.

“Hello”

“ Bobby have you heard from y/n lately? She took off in the middle of the night. She’s not answering my calls or texts. I actually think she turned her phone off. She even warded herself from Cas.”

Bobby looked at the corner of the table where your phone sat, then looked at you before he answered. “No, the last time I heard from her was about a week ago. She was looking for a hunt. What did you do? She wouldn’t just go off the grid like that.”

“ I don’t have time to talk about it. I need to find her before she gets herself killed.”

“She’s smarter than that. I’m sure she’s fine.”

“Please if she calls you or drops by, Call me.”

“Yeah, will do.”

They hang up, Bobby looks at you. “you need to call him or text him, saying your okay or something.”

“No, because he will just try to convince me to come home or tell him where I am. I’m not ready yet.”

“Alright” he. Put his hand up in surrender “where do you want to start?”

Bobby went to the bar where the girls were taken from. He interviewed employees and the owners. They all said the same thing they don’t remember seeing them. So it was time for plan “B”.

You put on a mint thigh black t-shirt dresses with one of Dean’s flannel tight around your waist. You put on some boots and headed to the bar. Bobby was waiting outside the bar watching you from his car. You walked into the Bar and ordered a beer. You spoke out the place, kind of just people watching. You notice a girl just starring at you, but you kept looking around like you didn’t see her.

Eventually you got up and started walking to the bathroom walking right past her. As soon as you got into the bathroom, you went to grab your phone. Your heard the door open behind you.

Then everything went black.

Series Tags:

@roseangel013bf

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[mylifemydiary]

some me time while baby sleeps

10/28/2020

I guess he’s not really a baby anymore.  He’ll be two in less than a week.  He’s such a sweet boy.  Yes, he throws tantrums and yes, he is a typical terrible two sometimes, but he is mostly smiles and play.  

I cried last night.  Lately I can feel my husband’s unhappiness with me, and when probed about it he admitted he was angry because I ‘made him do everything’ this weekend.  On the weekends, he usually puts the baby to sleep for a nap.  And when we go to the store to let him run around, I end up gathering the stuff we need from the store while he chases him.  I thought he liked doing those things.  The baby has also started staying up long enough to see him when he gets home, and that has lead to him wanting my husband to put him to bed.  And only  my husband.  So all that leads up to him saying he’s doing everything on the weekends when he’s supposed to be relaxing.  I get that he works daily.  But if he didn’t do those things on the weekends that means I would do it.  All day, every day, 24/7.  And I don’t see how adding another baby to that is going to help my sanity or exhaustion at. all.  To me, the weekends are when I get to relax a little from all the wants and needs of the baby.  But apparently he doesn’t want to parent on his days off.  So when do I get a break?  Apparently never.  And lets throw in a second kid into this, why dont we.  It makes me angry and sad and not want to get pregnant again.  My only hope is that he means this for now, for right now when we only have one.  And surely when I’m overwhelmed and at my wits end with a baby and a toddler he’ll step in and help on his ‘days off’.  Otherwise I don’t see what the purpose of wanting to have more kids is.  To give me more things to do?  To see just how much I can take before I lose my mind?  I’m not sure but it sure was worrisome to me this weekend.  My hope is, once we get back to texas, to get a job so that the baby can go to daycare for a few days a week and I can get some adult time with grown ups and I won’t feel so stressed out.  The baby also needs other kids to interact with.  I don’t want him to be selfish with his things or not know how to socialize.  Like me.  haha.  Other than that, things are going well.  I still have a spending problem.  Hopefully the job I get back home will make me millions so I can pay off my credit card debt myself.  It’s not fair for my husband to pay for all my debt.  I tried calling a help hotline and it was a recording stating they are only available during work hours monday through friday, and it wasn’t a place to call to talk it was a place to locate resources.  Which I don’t think would help.  I have a compulsive spending habit that has reared its ugly head these past couple of months and hasn’t gone away.  Two maxed out cards later and I’m working on the third.  I get a dread feeling in my stomach when things come in the mail, where it used to be happiness.  I’ve had to buy at least 60 extra hangers now for all the extra clothes.  And it’s not enough.  Surely I have a problem.  I can’t seem to say no.  Is it a sickness?  An addiction?