#i feel like i’m making my struggles a bigger deal than they should be

[holdinbacksecrets]

hi i'm a random walking by.

i don't know how serious you wanted other people to interpret your latest post, but i felt like i could relate.

sometimes the smallest things break our life apart. we take it as small- because it was an incident that happened and we learned to overcome it. however that's in our perspective. we view it as small because compared to our lives, it feels like something so tiny and miniscule that it shouldn't bother us.

but it does.

in reality, it's a big thing. it's a big thing that should make us upset and want to cry and want to give up on. it's a small big thing. or maybe it's a big small thing. small things means easy fights, right? i feel like if i wake up one day and give enough effort for once, maybe i'll beat whatever i'm dealing with. however, i feel like you should know that even if a fight is you (or me) lying under a stack of blankets listening to music and drowning down all of the thoughts, that is still a fight.

so many people would disagree with me, including my very own mother. but she doesn't know even 1% of what i have to deal with independently in order to protect her from the situations we are dealing with.

author, you are my shining light in the end of the tunnel. even if your light dulls, i saw you and i know you are there. we see you. you are a strong person, even if you don't think so yourself. please, if you ever need help, let us know. we appreciate you.

🖤🖤🖤 thank you for taking the time to send me this

[miinatozakiii]

tutor perks

park jihyo x fem!reader ; fluff, smut ; pt. 2

synopsis: the kid you’re tutoring has a really sweet, charming hot aunt.

warnings: alcohol ; not proofread so many spelling and grammatical errors (probably) ; mmm smut ; smut; and smut ; praise ; overstimulation ; almost fucking in the fancy bathroom ; reader ruined by jihyo ; men mentioned yuck!! ; food ; jihyo is like seven years older than reader ; mmm anything else i’ve missed ; physics mentioned 😵‍💫

a/n: i need her so bad like

(um ALSO i wrote half of this on my phone (that era was...))

- 

you’re assigned to tutor a high school student, some junior boy named matthew park that’s falling behind in a couple of subjects. the lady at the front office had provided you directions to the library, but still, it took you a few wrong turns and another ask to actually get there. 

walking in, you notice the lively yet quiet ambiance filling the room. there are groups of students studying together, giggling and pushing each other around as they do so. another group seems to be much more focused than the others, all furrowing their brows while examining whatever paper is on the table. 

you scan the room and look for a guy who should be alone, and to the right, you spot just that. 

he’s hunched over a little and his eyes are glued to the phone in his right hand while he spins a pencil with the other hand. the guy has on a green crewneck sweater and the headphones he wears squish some of his dark hair, which is parted messily in the middle. you tap on his desk subtly—he looks up with raised brows and takes off his headphones. 

you shoot a friendly smile and begin to speak, “hi, are you—“ 

“matthew, yeah.” he interrupts, “matt is fine.” 

his voice is pretty low, and something about his energy and mannerisms tell you that he’s some type of athlete. he runs a hand through his hair as you sit down next to him and fixes his posture. at least he has some manners, unlike the type of athletes you had to deal with a few years ago. 

“i’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you.” you greet, sticking out your hand—which matt takes—and shaking his bigger, rougher one.  

you clear your throat and look at the slightly creased notes on the table accompanied by the spiral notebook and green folder. setting down your own bag on the floor, you ask, “so, what is it that you’re struggling with the most?” 

matt glances at the entrance for a brief moment then looks down at the work in front of him and clenches his jaw, crossing his arms.  

“physics and precalculus.” he simply says, his voice seeming small and ashamed. you glance over towards where he was before, catching a group of five teenagers—all seemingly athletic from the apparel they wear—and start to catch onto his sudden bashful demeanor. 

“alright, i can help you with that.” you assure, “i’ll try to make this quick and do the best i can to help, just let me know what you want me to explain.” 

matt nods, picking up the pencil and huffing. 

- 

after tutoring math and reliving your high school physics trauma, you’re headed out the entrance of the library and trying to find your way to the main doors.  

“wait!” a voice calls out, “y/n, was it?”  

turning around, you stand a few feet away from matt, whose headphones are resting around his neck comfortably. he rubs his neck and then pinches the bridge of his nose before shutting his eyes tightly. 

you tilt your head, wondering what this boy needs; was it some extra notes or help? 

“yes?” 

“i um,” he begins, tensing his jaw and shaking his head. “i don’t know if this is appropriate to ask you since you’re a tutor—and i swear i’m not hitting on you!” he catches himself, groaning after he speaks. “i just, don’t want to be seen getting tutored, it’s embarrassing because i’m… i’m not doing well academically right now.” 

“matt, it’s okay, don’t feel—” 

“stop,” he says bluntly. “look, you were probably in my place a couple of years ago or something, i don’t know. just, i don’t like being seen like this because i used to be better, but my professors and everything…” 

“i get that, we can work it out! i was actually really good at physics and i know how bad it can be, i was there and precalculus is pretty simple to me.” 

“yes and thank you, i just wanted to ask if we could change locations. somewhere that’s not where i go to school.” 

“where were you thinking matt?” you ask, quirking a brow and ignoring the little buzz from your phone that’s in your pocket. 

he sighs and repeats, “before i ask; i’m not hitting on you, i swear to god.”  

“matt if you’re insisting some type of café i’m fine with that, people study there all the-“ 

“no, i’d be recognized there too.” he mumbles. “can you just come over to my house? i’ll even have my aunt texting you to say it’s okay, i don’t know if you need that confirmation or whatever, i mean, i’m a minor and i get that it might be iffy.” 

“oh, i see.” you mutter in response. “i mean, we can do that, just have your aunt text me, yeah?” 

“okay.” he responds, “can we do this thursday? i have a physics test on friday.” 

“that’s fine, i’ll do my best to help you out matt.” 

he smiles gratefully. “thank you y/n.”  

-- 

once you’re out of your car after parking near the curb across the street, you get a real good view of matt’s house and damn, the place is nice. 

it’s pretty big and modern, but not too modern that it’s uncomfortable, it just stands out. 

you walk down the little pathway towards the door, which is illuminated by dimmed, warm lights, and tilt your neck to the side to crack it before knocking. a few moments later, you hear the locks click as they turn and the door opens, matt opens it and he’s wearing some white t-shirt, which is paired with black sweatpants. 

“thank you for coming, and again, i swear i’m not hitting on you.” 

“matt, it would be very illegal for me to do anything like that with you. i get it, seriously.” 

“just making sure.” he says, “come in, my aunt is coming home soon.” 

his aunt had sent you a text asking if you were his tutor, and she had thanked you for offering such assistance to her nephew. the lady—his aunt—seemed sweet. her tone via text and the amusing emojis she used had given you this image of some woman in her 40s or 50s, probably baking cookies and thanking you with a warm hug for helping her dear relative. you’ll meet her later; hopefully, she does end up giving you cookies. 

matt leads you to the dining area and as you make your way there, the aroma of vanilla fills the air. maybe it was the cookies that were waiting for you, or you’re just really hungry and craving something sweet. 

“i have the things i need to study, he gave us this study guide and i have some questions regarding the velocity equations.” he explains, but stops himself in his tracks and mutters an “ah,” before asking, “did you want anything to drink?” 

“no, no.” you dismiss him with a wave of your hand. “let’s get started, shall we?” 

the rhythmic ticking of the clock echoed through the room as you continued to guide matt through the complexities of his physics homework. frustrated groans and muttered curses painted a vivid picture of the challenges he was enduring—in this case, one of the most dreadful subjects ever—and you found yourself helping him whenever you could. 

as the sounds of the front door unlocking reached your ears, both you and matt instinctively turned towards the entrance. matt, eager to get a small break from the terrible page of paper in front of him, leapt up to open the door just as it swung ajar. 

"hey, auntie," he greeted, the familial connection evident in his tone. 

“hi matt, there are some groceries i need you to take in, would you mind helping me out?” 

“no not at all,” he says, then excuses himself to go help out with the groceries. 

the figure that emerged into the room drew your attention like a magnetic force. matt's aunt strode in with an air of authority that commanded immediate respect. your jaw tensed as you observed her approach, an almost instinctive reaction to the oddly powerful aura exuded from her. how crazy it was for a woman who’s just appeared to have you sit up in your seat. 

she was not what you expected—a far cry from the stereotypical image you had of aunts in their 40s or 50s, definitely not as old as you had assumed. instead, she carried an ageless poise, appearing young but undeniably mature. dressed in a black blazer that teased the line between formal and casual, ending provocatively above her knees, she was a vision that held your gaze captive. 

however, it wasn't just the flawless outfit that ensnared your attention. it was the remarkable contours of her face, the sharpness of her cheekbones that had your jaw dropping just barely as you were in your trance. her steps echoed with a strange power, and even in her approach, you couldn't help but feel a sense of intimidation just by existing within her proximity. 

as matt’s aunt neared, her gaze locked onto yours—a gaze that felt both deathly and tremendously allurin — then, she smiled, a shift in demeanor that caught you off guard. the stern, professional aura melted away, replaced by a wonderfully cute smile that seemed to rival her intimidating presence. 

you—caught in a momentary trance—couldn't help but reciprocate with a dorky smile, your hand instinctively moving to fix your hair, as if trying to match the sudden change in atmosphere. what a mess you were for someone’s aunt you’ve just laid your eyes on.  

"ah, you're y/n, matt's tutor, am i correct?" she inquired, her voice sent a ripple of warmth through the room. the cadence of her words held a subtle allure, a tone that rang with confidence and undeniable charm. her voice was a little on the deeper end, but regardless it was hot and you could for sure get used to it. 

you managed to nod, finding your voice despite the sudden whirlwind of emotions. "yes, that's me. nice to meet you, miss park." 

“no need to be so formal hon.” she chuckles, pleased. “you can call me jihyo.” she assures with a smile. jihyo stretches out her hand and you take it, her hands are soft and smaller than yours, and her nails well manicured. “you have nice hands y/n.”  

that is such a crazy statement coming from someone’s beautiful, striking aunt who you’ve met for the first time ever and just now. your cheeks flush and you laugh shyly before responding, “thank you, your hands are um, they’re nice too.” 

after realizing that you’ve been holding this woman’s hand for too long, you pull away and run a hand through your hair again. jihyo smiles at you before walking over to the desk and examining the paper, she sighs and raises her brows. 

“ah, physics, i was never good at that when i was in high school.” 

“yes it’s something a lot of people struggled with in high school, i was lucky to be able to do well in that class.” you shrug, and jihyo looks at you impressed. 

“i see, you must be smart huh? and how old are you sweetheart?” 

your knees almost give up on you after this crazy hot woman just called you sweetheart, yet you manage to respond to her without stuttering or sounding like a fool. “i’m 20.” 

“ah, pretty young huh. you’re in college?” 

“yeah. education major, actually.” 

“how cute.” she responds amusingly, “well, thank you again for teaching my nephew. i’ll be upstairs, just send a text or shout if he’s a hassle. thanks hon.” 

jihyo shoots you a grateful smile before patting you on the shoulder; you might just die right then and there. you gulp lightly and manage to choke out a response, “y-yeah, no problem.” which makes the older woman giggle softly before leaving. 

you have got to get a grip. 

-- 

the woman you’ve interacted with for no more than three minutes surely left a mark with her first impression. now you’re putting more effort into your appearance than you did for that date you had three weeks ago with the girl sarah set you up with. 

you slip into a white graphic baby tee that effortlessly molds around your figure, the perfect balance of snug and comfortable. the tee you were gifted is paired with your beloved thrifted boyfriend jeans, their wash perfectly complements your top and if you were to stretch just a little bit, jihyo would get a glimpse of the line that runs down your tummy. a hint of effortlessness fills the air as you tie up the upper half of your hair, allowing loose strands to gently caress your shoulders and frame your face. light and natural makeup enhances your best features, purposefully done to emphasize your appeal with a touch of ease.  

when you reach the front door of matt’s house, you brush a strand of hair out and pat down the black cardigan you have on before knocking on it three times. the familiar teenage boy opens it up and greets you with a smile, inviting you in.  

everything goes as usual: you situate yourself in a different room this time and matt hands you his assignments. you take your time to give them a good look, and then ask him what he needs help with. this time he needs help with precalculus, and thankfully, you’re pretty good at that too. 

you watch him work on the assignments for a bit and start to get thirsty, and then you realize you’ve forgotten your water bottle on the counter in your small apartment.  

“ah i forgot my bottle… could i get some water?” you ask him, and he nods without looking away from the paper. 

“yeah, the kitchen is down the hall to the right. there’s bottles in the fridge. could you grab me a coke zero?” 

“yeah, thanks, i’ll be quick. just work on these for the time being.” he hums in response to you and continues to write down various messy scribbles while solving some type of math problem he’s been assigned. 

you do as he says: walk down the hall and to the right to enter the familiar kitchen you were near last time and you’re met with the familiar older woman that had you all flustered before. she’s standing by the stove and cooking something up and it smells great. awkwardly, you walk over to the fridge and she turns after catching you in her peripheral. 

she smiles immediately upon meeting your presence. 

“y/n! hi honey, it’s nice to see you.” jihyo greets, “i’ve been wanting to see you again.” 

“you have?” your cheeks flush immediately, and you manage to recompose yourself, clearing your throat before responding,, “it’s nice to see you too..” 

jihyo looks you up and down, eyes pausing for two seconds on the baby tee hugging your figure before meeting your eyes again. her look does things that she wants her hands doing, but that’s for her to know. 

“did you need anything sweetheart?” she asks, raising a brow. her question doesn’t process through your head until a few moments after. you were too busy admiring her from head to toe, taking in her features, the casual outfit she has on—eyes enjoying the view of her cleavage that slightly shows in that black tank top she wears.  

you clear your throat again. 

“oh i was just getting some drinks for matt and i.” you respond, quickly darting your eyes away from her chest.  

the older woman giggles amusingly, “take whatever you’d like from there.” 

“thank you miss— i mean, jihyo. it’s fine really, just thirsty and matt wants a coke zero, haha.” 

“alright~” she says, dragging her response teasingly. “just let me know, ‘kay?”  

“yeah, thanks.” you smile sheepishly and nod, then grab the drinks you almost forgot about before walking away.  

jihyo looks you up and down as you step into the hall, smirking a bit before going back to cook the dinner she’d been preparing.  

when you get back to the room where you had been tutoring, you spot matt, who is still writing down some equation down on his paper. he looks up once he hears you, then smiles after seeing the coca-cola in your hand. 

“here’s your drink.” you smile. 

“thanks.” 

“it’s no problem, your aunt told me to grab as much as i’d like. is she always so… sweet?” 

“i mean, i guess so. she’s pretty laid back with my friends as long as we don’t do too much.” matt opens the can and shakes his head as a small laugh slips out. “she’s definitely more generous with you, i can tell. she asked me about you actually.” 

“she what?” your eyes widen and your head turns. “what did she ask?” 

“nothing too important, just when you’d be over again.” matt shrugs, then his adam’s apple moves up and down whilst his neck muscles tense and relax as he gulps down the carbonated drink. “damn this is fizzy—” he says, then coughs. “fuck.” 

matt leaves you with an awareness of jihyo’s curiousity towards your own self, and now you’re trying to focus on tutoring the kid whilst thinking of his aunt.  

“good job matt, i can see you’re already getting much better. the concepts and formulas seem to be clicking, yeah?” you praise, he nods. matt stretches his arms out and you roll your shoulders back to release some tension. 

after helping him tidy up, you make sure everything is back in your own tote bag that you had brought. matt turns towards the entrance to the room and his eyebrows raise a bit, then you turn and see the same woman. your jaw tenses—lips part slightly too. 

jihyo walks in and the sway of her hips isn’t unnoticeable. she looks at the two of you, eyes lingering on you longer than her own nephew, then beams. “matt, help me set up dinner will you?” 

“mhm, gotchu. what’s for dinner by the way?” 

“steak and pasta, go mix up the pasta would you?” 

“yes aunt hyo.” matt complies, then shoots you a grateful grin before standing up with an exaggerated, tired sigh. he walks past jihyo, leaving the two of you alone. 

your heart beats embarrassingly fast once matt is gone, it thumps so hard in your chest that you’re afraid that jihyo may hear.  

“done for the day?” jihyo questions, walking over to you. 

you gulp. “yeah, just finished actually.” 

“i see, you must be hungry.” then jihyo locks eyes with you, and you genuinely think it might be something more—or maybe you’re delusional—who knows. “stay for dinner.” 

okay maybe it’s something more, or you’re just a desperate, lovesick gay college student that’s borderline head over heels. 

“oh it’s fine, really.” you say it with uncertainty, waving your hands in the air with an awkward smile. “i don’t want to trouble you.” 

“it’d be anything but a trouble y/n.” jihyo counters, “if anything the trouble would be letting a pretty lady like you out my house with an empty stomach.” 

jihyo places her hand on your shoulder, then squeezes it lightly. her eyes have you paralyzed in place, drilling into your pupils and then finding their attention on your lips. jihyo is slightly shorter than you, yet you feel so helpless under than her. an amused smirk plays on her lips and you find yourself clutching your tote bag strap a little tighter. 

“…then i’ll take your offer, thank you.” you nod awkwardly, feeling your cheeks flush. 

jihyo nods, feeling accomplished, then pulls her hand off your shoulder. “i’ll have matt know there’s going to be an extra plate then. come on sweetheart.” 

-- 

now you’re sat at the dining table with jihyo across. she’s grinning and her eyes keep wandering all over you, but most of the time they’re focused on your face. 

matt hands you a plate with steak and alfredo pasta, then some utensils. he places a cup of water down on a coaster and pushes it towards you, then hands his aunt a glass of white wine.  

matt takes a bite of the meal and sighs, pleased with how it satisfies his hunger. jihyo laughs at him whilst he goes on to devour the plate. you follow after him and twirl some of the noodle against your spoon, then stab a piece of steak with your fork. the bite you take is filled with some saltiness, though it’s deliciously savory—just how you like it. 

jihyo smiles. “good?” 

“it’s great, thank you again jihyo.”  

“anytime, i fancy your company.” she responds before taking a bite herself. 

there’s a question brewing in your mind, but you’re second-guessing yourself because it seems a bit rude, well, maybe. jihyo swallows the steak and reaches for her glass again. 

“so it’s just you and matt?” you ask, avoiding eye contact. 

matt turns and raises a brow, then shrugs it off. jihyo simply nods her head. 

“just me and the troublemaker.” she jokes, which earns an eye roll from matt. “he moved here a few years ago, the school over here is excellent for him. great academics, extracurriculars, sports teams…” 

“i see. good for him then.”  

“what about you?” jihyo questions. you look up at her in the middle of chewing down your pasta, rushing to get a response out. 

“sorry, what?” 

“just you? no boyfriend or… significant other?”  

surprisingly, you don’t choke on your food. “oh no, not at the moment.” 

“that’s a shame, and a surprise.” she takes another bite of steak and chews on it in the right side of her cheek, puffing it out a little. “i wonder why no one has made a move, i would’ve if there were a beauty like you around.” 

matt pauses, his brows furrow and he looks at his aunt with some slight concern. “auntie?” 

“i’m only teasing silly, just complimenting,” jihyo says, laughing to ease the tension in the air (though, it doesn’t work. your heart starts racing again and the meal gets harder to finish). “it’s better than whatever you’ve said over the phone to those—”  

matt coughs, then shakes his head. “okay okay, we get it.” he rolls his eyes (again) and shrinks into his seat, making jihyo giggle. you laugh as well and matt scoffs as he pokes at the steak on his plate. 

there’s a sudden buzz that makes the table vibrate slightly. your phone sits next to your glass of water, and you reach for it hastily. due to your clumsy handling, the water topples over, spilling all over shirt—your chest. 

“shit—” you curse and stand up quickly.  

“matt, grab some napkins for y/n.” jihyo orders, quickly walking over to your side of the table. she grabs the napkins from her nephew and hands them to you, then urges you to follow her. she turns to matt and quickly says, “clean up the table, i’ll go help y/n out with her clothes.” 

matt hums in response and you follow jihyo, feeling embarassed from the small scene you’ve made. 

-- 

“i’m really sorry, and really, i could’ve cleaned up on my own—”  

“it’s fine y/n, don’t worry about it.” jihyo assures, leading you to the large master bedroom.  

there’s a king-sized bed in the middle, dimmed lights, and the room screams luxury. jihyo leads you over to the closet and grabs a small towel, then starts to pat down at your chest, making your cheeks burn.  

her hands find their way over to your shoulder to stabilize you, and then she’s shaking her head after trying to dry the spillage on your shirt. “this won’t do, let me get you a shirt. you can take off yours and leave it on the hanger over there.” she says, pointing to the hook. 

“t-thank you.” mentally, you facepalm yourself for sounding so nervous. 

“your cheeks are red,” jihyo giggles. she places her hand on your shoulder, then drags it down to your chest briefly before pulling away. “it’s alright honey, it happens. i’ll get you that shirt.” 

a few minutes later she enters the abnormally large closet again and hands you a gray sweatshirt with some college logo on it.  

“thank you jihyo, i’ll give this back to you when i—” 

“it’s fine, just keep it for pajamas or anything like that. it’s just some old shirt from when i graduated a while ago.” jihyo says. you pray that you look calm and collected, trying to mask your flustered-self with a smile. “i’ll let you change, just come out when you’re done sugar.” 

“yeah, thanks—and sorry.”  

jihyo shakes her head and waves off your apology with her hand. 

-- 

you’re back downstairs in a few minutes—minutes of jihyo (not so) subtly checking you out in her old clothes. 

matt asks if you’re okay, you answer with a nod and a smile. 

“my roommate keeps calling me, i should get going.” is muttered followed by an unnecessary peek into your tote bag, shuffling through to make sure you have everything. “thank you again for everything.” 

jihyo leads you to the door and sends matt up to get ready for school. she flattens out her own clothes, runs a hand through her hair, then watches you slip on your shoes from the front door. 

“you should stay for dinner more often y/n, i enjoyed it.” 

you chuckle awkwardly, then push a strand of hair back. “i enjoyed it too, though i’m sorry for spilling water everywhere.” 

“that’s quite alright, you could always make up for it by staying over. i like your company.”  

looking down at the ground, you smile bashfully and respond, “i’ll consider it. thank you again.”  

“drive safe pretty.” jihyo says, waving goodbye and shutting the door. 

- 

sarah sits on the opposite end of the couch and watches you closely.  

youre hugging your knees to your chest and smiling, making your roommate turn her head in confusion. “why’d you drag me to the couch.” 

“i need to tell you about today. about everything.” 

“make it quick, i have a lecture tomorrow morning for psych.” she sighs, crossing her arms and leaning against the couch. 

“so i’ve been tutoring that kid you know, the high school kid.” you start, and sarah nods as she hums. “yeah so basically i tutor him that one day at his school or whatever, then, he asks me to tutor him at his house.” 

“so he… wants you?” 

“no, absolutely not. plus, that’s like, a case.” you say with a shake of your hand, dismissing hee assumption. “but, speaking of age differences, i went to his house — his aunts house — and i was tutoring him and whatnot. then i hear someone knock on the door and he says it’s his aunt, so im unfazed or whatever because it’s probably this middle aged lady or whatever.” 

“right, so…?” 

“so i was fucking wrong.” you explain, sitting up now. “the most beautiful woman i’ve ever laid eyes on walks in. she’s dressed in work clothes or something, all black, and she looks good.”  

“oh, so you’re gay.” sarah scoffs amusingly, quirking a brow. “am i supposed to be… surprised?” 

“can you just shut the fuck up and listen to me fully for once, please.” 

sarah rolls her eyes. “fine.” 

“okay so she calls me hon, then she says my hands are sweet — and keep in mind, this is the first time i’ve talked to her in person. then she calls me sweetheart?” 

“she’s being nice i think, considering she’s probably older than you. maybe you’re just gay, delusional, and haven’t gotten laid since… months ago?” 

“just because you and your girlfriend do it every time i’m out does not mean you have to shove it down my throat.” you scoff, “anyways, yeah no i thought that too, but then her nephew — the kid in tutoring — he tells me that she’s more generous with me and asks about me. i don’t think that’s being nice.” 

“that might just be curiosity and being nice, y/n.” 

“no hear me out okay,” sarah giggles as she watches you talk all animatedly with your hands moving after every couple of words. “she invited me for dinner — literally wanted me to stay, like insisted — then said i was too pretty to not be taken? and then she was saying that if ‘there were a beauty like you around, i would’ve made a move.’” 

sarah’s eyes widen, then her mouth opens slightly in shock. she leans closer to you, now fully invested knowing that this isn’t just another stretch of your interactions with women.  

“holy shit?” 

“i know.” you say, feeling your cheeks flush just from thinking about it. “and then you called and i spilled water and whatnot, she brought me to her room and—“ 

“you guys fucked?” 

“no!” you immediately say, a little too loud for that matter. “no, no.” you reassure, “though, i’m going to be honest i kind of wish—but that’s besides the point. she helped me out and patted down my tits — well my shirt but who cares, same thing — and then gave me her old sweatshirt. im literally wearing it right now and i remember her checking me out as soon as i changed into them.” 

“oh my god?” 

“yeah, and then you called again for me to come back or whatever and she told me to stay for dinner more often. now i’m here and that’s the end of the story.” 

sarah simply stares at you with wide eyes, her hand covering her slightly opened mouth. you place your hands on your face snd grown, feeling the heat of your cheeks on the skin of your hand. 

“i cant believe someone’s aunt wants you.” 

“i know!”  

“are you going to… sleep with her?” sarah asks, tilting her head. 

you find yourself lost in thought, often drifting into a world where she consumes your every waking moment - both at work and during classes. in these vivid daydreams, your thoughts sometimes stray to a more innocent realm. you envision the possibility of going on a simple date with her, where you can unravel the layers of her personality and just get to know her on a deeper level. because jihyo’s the type of woman that you want to sit down and get to know, that’s for sure.  

but to be honest, most of the time your mind wanders to far more… provocative scenarios. your imagination conjures up images of her completely unveiled, with a tantalizing desire to feel her hands caressing your every contour, leaving you to completely submit to her; to be ruined by jihyo personally. these fantasies consume you, their allure impossible to resist.  

“well, i don’t know.” you answer, pinching the bridge of her nose. “i still have to tutor her nephew.” 

“hmm… then focus on that and then sleeping with his aunt.” sarah suggests, giggling lightly before her phone buzzes. she looks at the screen and sees a text from her girlfriend, then smiles immediately. “speaking of sleeping with people, my girlfriend is picking me up. i’ll be out for the night.” 

you groan, still wanting sarah to listen to you while losing your mind and leave her own comments here and there. it’s almost impossible to get her away from her girlfriend. you’re so jealous and sarah loves to poke at you for being single and insatiable. 

“you’re unbelievable.” 

sarah shrugs, getting up with a cheeky grin. she snickers, “and you need to get laid. good luck with your little milf situation.” 

“she’s not his mom!” 

“same difference.” 

— 

the next time you tutor matt, you never get to talk or see jihyo. matt explains that she’s out for the night, something related to a business trip that he seems to not really care about. 

but you care, and you need to know when she’s back. unfortunately, tutoring comes first and the last thing you want to do is make it obvious that you have a crush on the aunt of the kid you’re tutoring. 

(matt has a little hunch; he notices the stares the both of you give each other when you two think no one is looking. matt is looking and definitely suspicious of how nervous you get around her and how generous his aunt is to you. though, he doesn’t have time to dive deeper in that since another physics test is clouding his brain for the time being.) 

you run into jihyo the day after that session with matt, but not as his house.  

there’s a place near the campus that’s now you and your friends’ signature study and hangout spot. it’s this cozy café and restaurant that the five of you have spent countless hours at either conversing and laughing for hours or losing your mind over whatever classes you guys take. this time, you’re all getting brunch together and debating something small. 

you excuse yourself and get in line to grab a drink since you only purchased a panini, thinking that would satisfy you. you were wrong. so, you stand in line for a bit, not really minding your surroundings while you tap through various instagram stories and scroll mindlessly. a minute later, you feel a tap on your shoulder while you’re halfway through a video your friend had posted. when you turn around you’re met with the face that has you lost in a momentary trance.  

“ah y/n, it’s nice to see you.” jihyo says. 

“oh, jihyo.” you respond, trying to hide your surprise and sudden nervousness. “it’s nice to see you too.” 

oh for sure it’s nice to see her. sunglasses sit on the top of her head, loose strands fall over her face, and the dress she’s wearing under her long coat looks divine. your eyes scan her whole body for a short moment, and then you’re clearing your throat as she starts to speak again. 

“are you here alone?” she asks you, looking you up in down in the process. 

“oh i’m with friends actually, they’re over by the window—“ you point to the group of four laughing together, all invested in the conversation at hand as the afternoon light brightens their smiles. “—we were just getting together and eating brunch.” you explain. 

“i see…” jihyo mumbles, looking over to your friends. she sounds a bit dissapointed, but you could be wrong about that.  

“what are you doing here? i mean, i don’t mean that in a rude way it’s just—“ 

jihyo smiles again, putting her hand on your shoulder as she laughs. “oh honey,” one of many things she calls you that makes your breath go short, “it’s fine, i get what you mean.” she trails down to your bicep, her skin warm on yours. “i was going to grab a drink before work, this is one of my favorite cafes.” 

“what a coincidence, it’s one of mine too.” 

jihyo subtly acknowledges your presence, her gaze gracefully trailing along your figure, delicately fixating on the tantalizing hint of skin peeking through your attire. her probing eyes pause there momentarily, capturing every nuance of the tempting groove down your tummy, accentuated by your low-rise jeans and revealing crop top. the ensemble effortlessly enhances your allure, inducing an irresistible appeal that’s impossible to ignore. as her gaze eventually retreats, it effortlessly returns to meet your own.  

“i suppose we have lots in common.” jihyo notes. 

“yeah,” you breath out, “i guess so.” 

“next in line please!” one of the the cashiers yells out, snapping you out of your daze. you apologize to him and then smile at jihyo before walking over and shuffling for the wallet in your shoulder bag.  

after getting your pistachio latte, you walk back to your friends and they beam at you. setting your bag down, you listen in on the conversation. 

“—and so, as i was saying, he kept making me pay for everything on the first date.” mai scoffs, crossing her arms. she’s a friend from your intro to education, lively and always has something to say. this time, it seems to be quite interesting. “look, i am a 50-50 girl and whatnot, but he asked me out and expects me to pay? i felt like there was a whole beard on my face and my balls dropped or something after paying for him. yeah, never again.” 

you laugh loudly, covering your mouth upon hearing the entertaining story.  

again – similar to just a few minutes ago – there’s a tap on your shoulder. your friends look at the woman behind you before you can, and once you set your look on her; your heart starts to beat again, a blush settling on your cheeks. 

“hey pretty, i was about to leave for work.” jihyo says with a smile, “can we talk for a bit? alone.”  

to your left, another one of your friends raises his eyebrows subtly. just with that small gesture alone, he manages ask without speaking: who’s this woman and why is she calling you pretty? though, you can’t answer him just yet. there’s no way you’d embarrass yourself in front of jihyo. 

you clear your throat and stutter just barely in your response. “hey, hi. um, yeah, sure. excuse me guys, i um, need to talk with her.”  

after sending an apologetic smile and earning various cheeky smiles, you nod at jihyo and find a spot near the window to talk to her. alone. she brushes a strand of hair out of your face and leans back to sit upright in her seat; you try to stay calm 

“i just wanted to ask for a favor, i completely forgot about it until i got a notification from my calendar.” 

“oh, what is it?”  

she looks out the window and sips on her iced drink, then turns back to meet your eyes. “well, i have a work dinner thing, a lot of… men will be there for the most part. i was wondering if you’d accompany me? i’m afraid i’d grow tired of their dull efforts to impress me, but it’s completely fine if you can’t make it.” jihyo says, although her tone near the end suggests that she’d be pretty disappointed with an answer other than yes. “i know it’s a big ask, but i’ve grown quite fond of you. is that ridiculous?” 

quickly, you dismiss her by waving your hands a bit frantically and shaking your head. you assure her, “it’s not ridiculous at all!” unintentionally, the volume of your voice spikes. “i’m actually um, really flattered that you feel that way, seriously. it also wouldn’t be any trouble – the dinner thing – id, um, i would love to accompany you.” 

jihyo finds herself blushing, surprisingly. she sips on the drink before setting it down on the marble counter side, then places her elbows on the table and her eyes smile, then her nose scrunches a bit.  

“right, that’s wonderful.” she says, “come over to my place tomorrow at 5:30 then?” you gulp upon hearing her words – practically an order with that tone and raise of her brow – then nod. she smiles and places her hand on your shoulder again, this time terribly close to the crook of your neck, her thumb brushing against your throat. “good, see you then.” 

“yeah,” you respond, not wanting to leave yet; your friends are waiting for you and jihyo has to go to work, so you begin to stand. “i’ll see you… my friends um, they’re—” 

“oh, yes, sorry for dragging you away—” 

“no!” you shake your hands again, cringing at how loud your voice grew (again). “they’re fine with it and i don’t want you to be late for work. we weren’t doing anything important anyway, just catching up.” 

she giggles and stands up to face you, eyes angled up slightly since she’s an inch or two shorter. she takes her hand off her skin and it feels specifically frigid in that area now that the warmth radiating off her fingers isn’t there, you almost shiver. 

“right, thanks hon. i’ll see you tomorrow yeah? shoot me a text when you get there, you have my number.” 

you nod and she hands her work bag on her shoulder, then starts to walk away – but not before winking at you. you smile, feeling your heart do a flip. 

when you return to your table, your friends are already eyeing you mischievously. mai has her straw sitting on her teeth, giving you that look. your jaw tightens and you smile at them before awkwardly sitting back in the previously empty seat, mentally preparing yourself in those two silent seconds before they all start bombarding you with questions and relentless teasing. 

- 

you arrived at jihyo’s house ten minutes early, a little earlier than you’d expected since the traffic wasn’t as bad. you walk down the small path leading to the steps, then up those three steps and onto the doormat. before you can even knock, the door opens and matt nearly bumps into you. 

he apologizes immediately, then looks at you with scrunched brows. 

“were we supposed to tutor today?” he asks, scratching his head with a finger. “if we were, sorry but i’ve got plans.” he says, nudging his head forward, making you turn around to see a honda civic parked on the street across. the windows are rolled down, revealing another guy that looks around his age in the drivers seat, another in the passengers side that you can barely see, and two girls in the back.  

“oh, no. jihyo called me over actually, not for you.” 

matt raises his brows, then his body relaxes. “oh.” 

“yeah, didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“no it’s… fine.” he assures, looking at you skeptically. “have fun with… my aunt? um, whatever you two are… doing. i’m staying at a friends house tonight so…” 

“yeah, have fun.” you respond awkwardly, looking up at him as he observes you for a few seconds longer. the makeup on your face is slightly heavier than usual – not that it’s a bad thing, in fact he wouldn’t have even noticed if it weren’t for the nice dress you were wearing. quite odd, he figures, but it’s not his business. he shrugs his shoulders and forgets about it, waving at you before he leaves, running over to the black honda civic that’s playing music at a volume so loud that you can hear it from the door. 

you forget about the whole encounter for a moment, instead redirecting your attention to the opened door in front of you. stepping inside, you get a whiff of the familiar lavender scent that fills the house, then close the door behind you. the house is silent until you send jihyo a text, and she responds a few seconds later by yelling from upstairs. 

“y/n! come upstairs darling!”  

you freeze in place, suddenly feeling intimidated for no reason. nonetheless, you walk on over to the stairs, then up to jihyo’s room. 

as you enter the room, her image captivates your attention in the mirror. the black dress she has on a pulls you towards her, reciprocating the intense attraction you both feel. the attraction that’s most definitely there, but jihyo’s a tease and you’re cautious. she likes that she has you wrapped around her finger. it’s amusing how easily flustered you get around her. 

the sight of her is nothing short of exquisite, and your gaze fixates on the enticing curve of her hips, igniting a subtle pulse in between your legs hunger that has you subconsciously nibbling on your lip. glancing further upwards, you indulge in the sight of her exposed shoulders, showcased gracefully in the mirror's reflection. they exude a provoking attraction, tempting you to succumb to your countless daydreams. you want to explore the softness of her skin, want to leave indelible marks on her delicate collarbones. 

in the midst of your blatant stare, her eyes lock with yours through the mirror, catching you in the act of unabashedly admiring her. she laughs, then she turns around to face you, a mischievous smirk playing on her lips. 

“like what you see?” she teases you, making your cheeks burn.  

you clear your throat and pretend to busy yourself by looking into your bag, but manage to respond politely, “i um—sorry. matt let me in, he just left.” 

she starts to step towards you, and you feel yourself gulp unintentionally.  

“mhm, he told me about the sleepover.” she says, then stands inches away from you. using her pointer and thumb, she tilts your chin up and away from the bag hung on your shoulder, intensely gazing at you for a moment before speaking again. “you look remarkable.” 

your breath hitches as you look at her, eyes drilling into yours while you try to stay calm. “t-thank you.” 

she eyes you for a while longer before nodding, then smiles at you like she didn’t just eye fuck you. 

“let’s get going, there’s good parking if we arrive early. less of a hassle for us.” 

all you can do is hum and follow her, afraid of embarrassing yourself from how flustered and inaudible you are. 

- 

the car ride consisted of you trying to not stare at her sharp, defined features the whole time. it was very difficult to not glance here and there, a few times you had your eyes glued on her godly cheekbones and sometimes you even eyed the way her bones would pop out when she turned the wheel.  

during the car ride, you found it increasingly challenging to avert your gaze from her captivating, exquisitely sculpted features. the temptation to steal a glimpse here and there proved irresistible, as her godly cheekbones held your attention.  

at times, you couldn't help but be captivated by the protrusion of her bones as she maneuvered the steering wheel. after eyeing it for too long, jihyo caught you in her peripheral and turned to face you – the light was red anyway – then smiled cheekily. she moved her hand towards your thigh, placing it dangerously close to the dampening area in between your legs. 

“you alright lovely? you seem a little tense.” jihyo asks, rubbing your thigh with her thumb just barely. “something on your mind?” 

you fought back a low whimper before you respond, “i’m fine, thanks.” you try, voice small as she adds more pressure to your skin. you try your best to remain calm and composed, but god it’s so hard when she’s touching you there and like that. “it’s not important, i was just daydreaming.” 

(your daydreaming will be increasingly explicit from now on.) 

the light turns green and jihyo puts her hand back on the wheel as she turns away from you, redirecting her attention on the road. your jaw tenses and you shift in the seat a little, thighs closing and rubbing together. 

jihyo pretends not to notice and fights back a smirk. 

-- 

the two of you would enter the restaurant together with jihyo linking your arms and smiling at you like she didn’t just make you ten times hornier than you already are daily. 

as you enter, you are immediately mesmerized by the extraordinary interior. the lighting casts an enchanting, almost mystical ambiance, wrapping the space in an intimate aura. the arrangement of tables is meticulously planned, each one positioned with precision and attention to detail. the sheer beauty of the place is breathtaking, leaving you in awe. it’s evident that reservations at this place come with a hefty price tag, most definitely surpassing the cost of more than half of your apartment's monthly rent; maybe almost as much as what you and sarah pay together.  

jihyo leans in closer to your ear, lips brushing against your skin and it sends a shiver down your spine. “come lovely, let’s find our seats.” she says, then walks you over with her to the man with slicked back hair and an impossibly perfect posture. he gives you the table number and holds his arm out in the direction of it, then jihyo thanks him with that weirdly arousing voice she has and tugs on your arm lightly. 

there are other men that are scattered around the dining area, they all notice jihyo as soon as she steps in – who wouldn’t? 

she’s stone faced as she walks with you and towards the table, her stern expression unfazed by the stares from men that aren’t accompanied by their respective lovers. though, maybe those with their own lover took a small glimpse. 

you feel a little small, most eyes are on jihyo though a good amount also land on you. it seems that the two of you have taken the attention of the majority, which freaks you much as much as it flatters you. jihyo seems to notice the attention on you too, then subtly brings you closer to her.  

jihyo sits down first and flattens out her outfit before she fixes her hair, then pats down the seat next to her. you sit down and she brings your chair a little closer before leaning towards your ear and speaking again. 

“thank you for coming, i wouldn’t have been able to make it to the table this quickly if it weren’t for you.” 

you hum, then ask, “why is that?” 

“the men here are shameless, they hit on me dinner after dinner.” jihyo sighs, then lowers her voice when she says, “i guess they were too distracted by you. you’re a sight worth skipping dinner for.” 

you gulp, laughing off her suggestive compliment before boldly responding, “i think most would much rather… indulge in you. i get their standpoint, though.”  

as you begin to fix the delicate fabric of your dress, a subtle flicker of surprise dances within jihyo's widened eyes. with her grip on her handbag growing tighter, her gaze shifts towards you, a newfound intensity in her look. you turn to look right back in her eyes, almost challenging her with this new confidence of yours. it’s in this moment that the unspoken connection seems to deepen, the tension drawing you two closer. the allure she now feels towards you, layered with a hint of curiosity and urge to undress you, is palpable yet carefully restrained. 

three more men greet jihyo formally and she smiles forcefully at them before they take their seats and indulge in their own conversation. the menus are handed once everyone settles in and everyone glances at the options. the selection intimidates you; half the dishes incorporate foreign words that you had never heard of.  

jihyo places her hand on your thigh again, this time higher than before. she looks at you with those drilling brown eyes and squeezes a bit.  

“know what you’d like?” 

your breath shakes reluctantly, but you respond with a leveled tone. “yeah, the chicken chasseur.” there’s a ninety percent chance you butchered that pronunciation, half of the reason was because you never really paid attention in your french three class your junior year of high school, and the other half was because jihyo’s fingers started tracing patterns into the flesh of your thigh. 

“right, the chasseur,” she says teasingly, pronouncing it correctly. “that’s one of my favorites.” 

“i see, i’ll definitely like it then.” 

“mhm.”  

the waiter comes by – the same guy with the slicked back hair – he introduces himself in a deep, formal tone. it catches you off guard that his name is so simple: michael. he takes all of your orders, then collects each menu. as soon as he leaves, one of the men at the table attempt to strike up some small talk with jihyo, and she responds with blunt, uninterested answers. the men are left intimidated and out of luck, then try to succeed in initiating a meaningful conversation with you. 

“what was your name dear?” one says, his features implying that he’s not too far off from how old your parents are.  

hesitantly, you respond with a polite “y/n,” before smiling respectfully. he narrows his eyes and smirks before glancing down, it leaves you uneasy. jihyo clears her throat and sends daggers at him with her glare. 

“how are you and your wife, samuel?” she questions, quirking a brow before your waiter arrives with a bottle of white and red wine. the man who’d bee blatantly chekcing out your chest area grimaces, then fakes a smile. 

“we’re doing fine.” he says a little sternly, then halts his attempts at socializing with you. 

you send jihyo a thankful glance, she responds with a grin before swirling the white wine in her glass and giving a sip, then sips. 

“this is good, have some dear.” she says, urging you with a tilt of her head to try some of the identical wine in your own glass. “do you like wine?” 

“kind of, i mean, i never really indulge...” your response gives you a quick flashback of the various cheap selections of alcoholic drinks you’ve downed at house parties you’d attend here and there. you grab your glass and copy what jihyo does – you don’t really know how to sip on wine without it looking like you can’t even afford three sips – then raise your brows in surprise once you get a taste. it's sharp and fruity, much richer than the past drinks you’ve had. 

“good?” jihyo says amusingly, observing your expression. 

“it’s wonderful.” 

she grins at you, then gances around the table hastily. two of the men continue to glance over even as they talk withe ach other, it seems that you two just can’t escape the attention. the appetizers arrive a minute later and the two of you indulge, unable to create any small talk or anything like that with your company. jihyo decides she’s craving a different type of appetizer as soon as she sees you wipe your lip subtly. 

“come with me to the restroom, the main courses won’t be out for a little while.” jihyo insists, then looks around at the men busy with their bread, butter, and various other appetizers that sound too complicated for how they look. “besides, i'd rather be alone with you than surrounded by them for the time being.” 

once again, a tremor of anticipation seeps through you, your breath quivers with a mix of nerves and eagerness. jihyo just get’s bolder by the second. 

although it’s a simple trip to the restroom – a countless number of times you and your friends have scurried off to the comofrting ‘sanctuary’ of the girls’ room for meaningless conversations and minuscule touches of makeup – yet, with jihyo accompanying you now instead of your stupid best friends, your mind is propelled into an intricate labyrinth of scenarios, infused with explicit scenarios that jihyo stars in.  

- 

jihyo gracefully positions herself before the strangely exquisite mirror, which is not only unreasonably large and fancy, but it also manages to delicately enhance her plump lips after applying a fresh coat of lipstick. as she caresses her captivating pout, you become mesmerized by the subtle dance of her lips, gently gliding against each other like silk. she releases her pursed lips with a faint “pop” sound before she looks at you through the mirror. 

“daydreaming again?” jihyo asks. you shake your head and walk over to the sink next to her before fixing your hair for no apparent reason. a smirk tugs at her lip sbefore she turns so that her back is facing you. “zip up my dress for me? seems to have gone loose.” 

without a word, you move your hands over to deftly maneurver the zipper along the length of her dress. the entire tableau unfolds so quickly, though there’s an unexpected intamacy that lingers in the air, seeming slightly out of place but it’s also undeniably enticing. your hold your breath unknowingly. 

“you know y/n,” jihyo starts, your hands still on the zipper. “you’re so easy to rile up, it’s cute.” 

“what?” you respond with disbelief, pretending that her statement isn’t the turth. she turns around and tilts her head, eyes narrowing as she draws her attention down to your lips – now parted – then brings a thumb to graze the bottom lip. 

“c’mon baby, think i didn’t notice how you were in the car?” she chuckles, now moving her fingers down to your chin and moving and pushing down on your chin to tilt your head down just barely. “staring at my chest and all of me so clearly in my own house... darling, do you think i’m a fool?” 

you gulp, her eyes peering into yours and waiting for an answer. you’re absolutely dumbfounded, cheeks burning violently. 

“i’m sorry i didn’t mean to--” 

“oh honey, i'm not against it.” she assures, smiling at you and bringer her hand down to play with the dainty necklace around you rneck. “if anything, i want you just as much as you seem to crave me.” 

“i--” 

she cuts you off, pressing a chaste peck to your lips. when she pulls away, you subconciously lean forward to catch her lips again, whining lowly. jihyo giggles softly before putting her thumb against your lips, adding pressure to halt your eagerness. 

“gosh, you’re adorable.” jihyo says, “i could just ruin your pretty little self right here.” 

“jihyo, please” 

she laughs, pleased, raising her brows and smirking at this new, desperate y/n she’s brought to the surface.  

“tell me how much you want me and i'll let you have more, can you do that?” 

your cheeks are on fire and so are your ears. jihyo pulls away further so she can fully see your face, stroking her knuckles down the curve of your cheek. you swallow shallowly before opening your mouth to speak, but hesitate.  

“c’mon baby, use your words for me. you can do that, can’t you?” 

“yes, yeah,” you sigh, trying to keep your voice stable. jihyo smiles, then presses a haste kiss to your jaw. your breath out shakily, bringing a hand to jihyo’s forearm.  

this has to be a dream, there’s no way matt’s aunt is this close to you – and like this. jihyo's pressing kisses down your jawline and neck, nibbling softly and eliciting sharp breaths. everything feels unreal, it’s so unexpected and you don’t know what to do while she brings a knee in between your legs. 

“i’m going to stop if you don’t tell me what you want pretty girl.” 

you sigh, almost moaning at the way her voice bounces off your skin.  

“someone’s going to walk in...” you mumble, placing your hand on her waist. 

“isn’t that part of the thrill?” jihyo asks, “tell me what you want.” 

“kiss me, please jihyo.” 

“that all?” 

of course it’s not all, you want to be pushed to the point of tears and incoherent sobs – but not here, not now. you can only groan at the untimely situation, wanting jihyo to take your time with you someplace less unorthodox. 

“when we go back... i want you to... do more.” you mumble shyly, watching jihyo move away from your neck so that she’s inches away from your face. her lips curl up into a mischievous smile as she twirls your hair. 

“i’ll take it easy on you for now,” jihyo chuckles, “come here.” 

without hesitation you lean forward, messily and eagerly meeting jihyo’s lips again. the two of you get used to everything and ease into each other’s contact, jihyo leading the way. she tugs on your bottom lip gently and you gasp, which gives her the chance to slide her tongue in and explore your mouth. 

you’ve madeout with girls countless times, but it’s always been messy, rushed, and the only thing you could taste and smell was cheap aochol. your past experiences have been nothing like what’s happening right now. 

you can taste the hints of fruit and slight vanilla in that expensive white wine from earlier, it’s even better when you get to taste it off of jihyo. she tastes divine. she’s so precise and skilled with her tongue and lips, immediately adjusting to the pace of the moment and ultimately leaving your knees weak. jihyo's fucking skilled, she knows what she’s doing and everything feels so goddamn euphoric. 

she pushes you against the marble of the sink area and you moan into her mouth when she squeezes your ass, making her smirk against your lips cheekily. you’re like a puppet in her control, and she knows just the right movements and subtle touches to get you going. 

jihyo pulls away suddenly and you whine, trying to pull her back. she holds you in place firmly, lingering near your lips and chuckling against them.  

“why-- why did you stop?” you ask desperately, pathetically pinching the fabric of her dress tighter.  

“pretty girl, you’ve forgotten where we are haven’t you? the main course might be out.” 

“but jihyo--” 

“listen,” she says sternly, sending a shiver down your spine. a soft smile is displayed, which soothes your nerves after witnessing it. jihyo tucks your hair behind her ear. “let’s make a deal, how about that?” 

“okay,” 

“if you can...” she starts, twirling the hair on the nape of your neck. “...be good for me and stay patient, then i'll reward you when we get back to the house. can you be good for me pretty?” 

a lump forms in your throat, making it difficult to respond. you try your best to do so anyway. 

“mhm, i can.” 

“good. i'd love to ruin you right here, don’t get me wrong, but there’s other guests that expect me to be present.” 

fuck those other guests, you need to take her right here and right now. she can’t just rile you up like this, give you the best makeout session of your life and then end it so abruptly. regardless, she possesses an innate power - she's jihyo. you're completely enthralled and under her control anyway, whether you know it or not. 

she lets out a cold, menacing chuckle and flashes you a provocative grin. she delicately reshapes your disheveled hair and then tends to her own cascade flowing down. you can feel the lingering presnce of her own lips on yours -- slightly swollen and vividly tinted -- and although jihyo remains unfazed by the evidence of her artistry, it's clear she revels in your visible discomposure. if others were to connect the dots, she couldn't care less; if anything, she welcomes it. she's evil, and all you want is more of her. 

so you’ll have to behave for the time being, because who knows what she’s capable of. 

- 

“ah, you’re back park. the food got here ten minutes ago.” samuel says, raising a brow in suspicion.  

the men’s plates are already half eaten, and then there’s two plates that are left untouched on the table. jihyo eyes you, raising her brow before elegantly reaching for her utensils. 

she clears her throat and lies, “lady troubles.” which earns a flush on each of the men’s faces, and a brief apology from samuel. 

the remainder of the dinner becomes utterly unbearable. it’s not just the men engaging in dumb, uninteresting conversations -- which require you to perform an artificial smile, direct focus, and provide meaningless responses - but underneath the table, jihyo teases you. her delicate hand grazes your thigh intermittently. the whole thing is excruciating, causing an overwhelming surge of sexual frustration that genuinely throbs between your legs. the only thing you crave right now is her touch again; you don’t know how many more times you can utter “oh how interesting,” before exploding completely. 

an hour passes and it’s finally time for jihyo to bid her farewells, finally. 

the farewells’ had to take at least ten minutes, since jihyo’s pretty high up there in whatever she does. you never really knew, but it wasn’t your place to ask. 

jihyo unlocks her black porsche, which is remarkably eye-catching, though not as much as the driver. you get in the passenger's side and she’s already inside turning the engine on, one hand on the stick. she backs up smoothly, then gets out of the parking lot quickly. 

the car ride is almost silent for three-quarters, the only thing that pokes at the tension is jihyo’s hand on your thigh. she's driving one handed, it’s a common skill – you drive one handed here and there – but when jihyo does it, your thighs try to ease whatever is going on in between. 

“did you enjoy the meal?” jihyo asks, eyes on the road. 

“yeah, it was great.” 

“mhm,” she hums, then squeezes your flesh a bit. “how was the dessert? did it suit your tastes?” 

you let out a shallow breath, “yeah.” 

“good.” jihyo says, then smiles to herself. “we’re almost home.” 

you can only hum in response, growing impatient. 

jihyo clicks a button and the garage door opens, then drives in slowly. she has to be doing this on purpose, just to test you. you’re going to endure the aching, because at the end of the rainbow there’s always gold, and you’re her good girl. 

when you enter the house, it’s completely dark, then jihyo turns on the light and you have to fight the urge to kiss her again. 

“come,” she orders, turning to walk towards the stairs to the second floor. she's swaying her hips a little on purpose, she must be – or you’re just horny, or both. 

finally, after what seemed like centuries, you make it to her room. she closes the door behind you as you walk in. 

“sit down on the bed for me.” you do as you’re told wihtout hesitation, sitting down on the soft mattress of the king sized bed. the sheets are perfectly set on the bed, so are the blankets and pillows, but something tells you that it won’t be like that by the end of this night. “good girl.” 

she glides towards you, delicately raising your chin and fixing her gaze upon you, like an artist admiring a masterpiece. she revels in the sight of your flushed cheeks, the gentle parting of your lips, and the slight up turn of your brows, all traits that make this vulnerable rendition of you enticingly irresistible. her eyes grow dark, consumed by a yearning that she has now ardently realized; this is what she’s been wanting ever since she first laid eyes on you. 

“clothes off for me sweetheart.” immediately, you start to slip yourself out of the dress. jihyo decides to be generous, helping you out a bit since she’s quite eager herself.  

now, you find yourself perched delicately on the edge of her bed, goosebumps on your skin even as warmth envelops you. you’re nearly exposed, clad only in delicate undergarments that hold jihyo's gaze captive. a sigh escapes her lips, swiftly followed by a mischievous smirk, a telltale sign of her satisfaction.  

jihyo's going to have the meal of her life, nothing she had for dinner that night would ever compare to you. she hasn’t even gotten a taste of your arousal yet, but she already knows. 

“you’re beautiful,” she mutters before closing the distance, kissing you on the lips. you sink into all of it: the hand on your cheek, the knee shifting in between your legs, and simply her touch.  

she maneuvers your body onto the bed, positioning herself on top, ensnaring your legs with her own. with an air of urgency, she kisses you harshly, whisking away the very essence of oxygen from your lungs. she pulls away to see you all hot and heavy, watching the desperate rise and fall of your chest while your eyes meet hers in a gaze brimming with insatiable lust.  

“up,” she mutters, to which to respond by propping yourself on your elbows. she skillfully works away at the clasp of your bra, unclipping it and throwing the garment some place off the bed. “god, you’re so beautiful, you know?” jihyo says before fastening her lips on your neck, sucking violently. 

as your voice becomes stifled, attempting to form words proves worthless under jihyo's intimate touch. she delicately explores your body, her lips grazing your neck, causing shivers to cascade down your spine. the symphony of your helpless moans resonates wonderfully, she just wants every ounce of pleasure you can offer, greedy for all of you. 

“f-fuck, oh my god...” you groan helplessly, squirming under jihyo as her mouth starts to tend to your tits. your hand lands in her hair, gripping tightly as her tongue swirls around your perked up bud. her tongue was great in your mouht, but holy shit it’s ten times better when pushing you near your climax. she hasn’t even touched the ache in between in your legs and you feel like you could cum right then and there. 

jihyo gets up and looks down on you like a predator would with its prey, eyeing your vulnerable, exposed body that she’s ravenous for. there are marks along your neck and chest, jihyo’s artwork looking better than anything a museum could hold. 

she still has her dress on, though it swiftly finds the floor in a few moments. your gaze becomes fixed upon her, witnessing a new prize the further the dress drops down. in the wake of this unveiling, she stands before you, clad only in undergarments—pricey, hot looking ones. your eyes fixate upon her chest and the sight of her tits leaves you wide eyed. the alluring contours of her abdomen draw your attention next, effortlessly accentuating her absolutely unreal, fit body. she leans back slightly and her ass catches your attention, rendering you speechless. everything about her is divine and you find yourself completely engulfed in desire.  

all of this is so unreal and you figure it has to be one of those dreams that gets cut off by the alarm for your morning classes; but no, this is real, it’s especially real as jihyo slides her hand down from the top of your chest to just above your waist. her fingers tease the fabric covering your cunt, tantalizingly grazing it. 

“want me inside baby?” jihyo asks, subtly sticking her fingers under the edges of the fabric. you nod desperately, which makes jihyo laugh. “gosh you’re so wet honey, need me that badly?” she teases, and you can only respond with a weak hum. 

she slides off your panties quickly, you whimper pathetically in response as her skin encounters wetness. 

her fingers glide slowly along your folds, easily moving up and down with how aroused you are. she brings her fingers back to her lips, getting a faint taste as your back subconciously arches against the mattress.  

“want me inside?” 

“please.” 

“beg harder.” jihyo chuckles, moving her fingers back to your pussy and teasing you carelessly as she lightly slides up and down the damp folds.“i won’t let you get it that easy. if you want something i want to hear you say it, sugar.” 

you whine, breathing out through your parted lips.  

“please, i need your fingers inside jihyo,” you sigh, voice all nasally and airy. “i want you to fuck me how you want, just make me cum please, you can have your way with me i don’t care. fuck, i'm all yours.” 

“perfect.” she says, then harshly pushes two fingers into your dripping cunt. your head shoots back into the pillow it’s on and your fingers grip the sheets tightly, the curse you cry out practically echoes throughout the room.  

she pounds into you with those slender fingers, maneuvering skillfully inside and out, curving at the right spots and leaving you breathless. tears form at the corners of your eyes, her other hand holds you down, pushing down on the middle of your torso to keep you from squirming so much. 

the amount of pressure she adds to your clit occasionally renders you weak, you’re a moaning, squirming hot mess and jihyo has never been this turned on in years. 

an indescribable sound escapes your lips, a melodic symphony of affirmation and inclination. jihyo's fingers plunge in and out, in and out – delving deeper into the depths of your core with each intoxicating thrust. she retreats momentarily before venturing even further, introducing a third digit into the hypnotic rhythm.  

i'm fucked. 

there was this sensation of being utterly reinvigorated, inside and out, in the most euphoric way that only your moans could describe. you've never been fucked this good, seriously, you can’t remember the last time you’ve been this turned on and goddamn submissive. it's insane how quick and easy jihyo managed to do it. 

the knot in your stomach seems tighter and you’re about to find out just how goddamn well it feels to come undone because of park fucking jihyo. matt's aunt. 

“f-fuck i'm, hnnh i'm so close--” you whimper, voice dying down in your throat, “p-please,”  

“god you’re so beautiful,” jihyo says right before hitting your clit with her palm as she pushes into you. then, with a stronger arch and near sob, you tighten around her fingers and grip the sheets tightly, clinging on for dear life as you reach your high.  

jihyo pulls her fingers out and massages your clit lightly, still stimulating you as you recover. your legs are shaking, still, and your ribs are exposed as you lay there and breathe heavily.  

“be a good girl for me, y/n, you can do that. you will.” jihyo says before slamming into you again with three digits, making you gasp from surprise and pleasure. you've barely had time to recover, and yet jihyo is torturing you yet again. 

it feels like your pussy is being torn to shreds, you can hear the “squelch” and clap with every point of contact. 

you try to say something – exactly what, jihyo doesn’t know or minds because she’s too infatueted with every jolt and twitch of your body – and then you let out another loud cry that sounds something like “fuck,” before your body goes limp, twitching every now and then.  

she pulls her hand out – dampened with your clear arousal – and gets a taste of her middle and pointer finger. she drags her fingertips up along your torso -- sending a shiver down your spine – then brings her damp fingers to your mouth. 

“open.” 

without hesitation, you comply, tasting your own arousal off her skin by swirling your tongue messily. your eyes lock with hers before you suck, going down to the base of where her fingers connect and sliding up until you get all of your arousal off. 

“good girl.” 

she slides down your body, now she’s facing your cunt directly. you shiver in anticipation, a little scared but for the most part turned on one hundred times more than ever. she presses a sweet kiss to your pussy – quite different from how ruthless she was earlier – before she indulges, making you press the back of your hand against your forehead. 

god her tongue, it’s like it’s made to leave girls like you fighting for air. she holds your thighs, pressing her fingers into your flesh as she absolutely devours you. it's not too long before you feel that same knot in your stomach, and this time to leave you screaming she simply flattens her tongue against your sensitivity and sucks on your clit harshly. 

there's tears on your cheeks now, and more start to trail down as jihyo starts to fuck you dumb again. whatever is leaving your mouth is incoherent, practically gibberish as you squirm around. she forcefully spreads your thighs apart – which says a lot about her stretngth considering how you’re getting fucked into oblivion – keeping oyu in place even as you start to turn your body and roll onto your side desperately.  

“you taste so, mmh, good.” jihyo mumbles, “fuck, this is better than the dessert we had.” 

you can barely comprehend what she’s saying because your minds so goddamn foggy and you’re literally sobbing from how overwhelming everything is. but it feels so good, if she stopped you’d be crying for a different reason rather than pleasure. 

jihyo feels your thighs shake beside her head, then feels a hand on her head gripping her hair tightly and pushing down against your cunt before the trembling stops. the cry you let out stops before it leaves your mouth, so you cum with an airy, choked out sob.  

jihyo's gaze fixates upon your pulsing, swollen cunt – dripping with your sweet arousal. she rises to her knees, gracefully straddling you, drawing her attention to the rise and fall of your chest. your disheveled hair frames your features, adorned with a rosy flush and the remnants of tears. a soft smile dances upon her lips, a testament to the mess she’s made. 

jihyo falls down to your tummy, scattering feathery kisses. she ascends to your chest, your neck, and at last, your lips. you kiss her sloppily, weakly reaching to cup her cheek while she traps your top lip between both of hers. she pulls away and fixes up your hair, then rubs her thumb along your tear stained skin. 

“you did so good for me baby,” she assures, watching you sniffle. “are you alright?” 

“yeah.” you mumble weakly, smiling softly at her. “i just, need to relax.” you chuckle softly before jihyo pecks your lips again. 

“i’ll help you clean up, stay here pretty.” jihyo says, rubbing your rib with her thumb softly. 

-- 

the two of you wake up an hour before lunch the next morning. jihyo rubs your thigh with her hand, massaging it to reduce the soreness. she insists that you two get up since matt is coming over in a few hours and it takes a while for you to get down the stairs without falling – jihyo did a great job, your legs are wobbly and aching– but nonetheless you make it downstairs to the kitchen. 

jihyo lets you set your head on your cross arms over the counter since you’re so drowsy, she laughs and presses a kiss before fetching ingredients for lunch. you watch her with tired eyes; her muscles flex and tense as she assembles the ingredients for the sandwiches, leaving you stupidly mesmerized. 

you get up and stretch your arms out, then walk over to the older woman. a short giggle leaves your lips as you wrap your hands around jihyo’s waist, she laughs wholeheartedly. 

“did you need something?” 

you kiss her head and linger before responding, “no, you just looked good from the back.” 

“i have to cook lunch, matt is coming home in an hour.” jihyo says, turning to face you, lips inches away from yours.  

as you carefully adjust the stovetop temperature to a low, your gaze lands on jihyo, prompting a mischievous smile to play upon your lips. your hands rest on her waist, you turn her body to face you, drawing her nearer with a subtle bite of your lip. jihyo rolls her eyes, a familiar exchange between you both, before your lips meet, you smile into it as you always do. 

jihyo guides you towards the kitchen island, never relenting on the heat of her kisses. an involuntary groan escapes your lips as she playfully bites your lower lip, igniting subtle throbbing sensations in you. her lips, feather-light, wander along your jawline, slowly tracing the curves of your face like a breeze meeting petals of a flower.  

mindful of your pleasure, you tilt your head back, granting her unrestricted access. her tongue traces your sensitive skin, a captivating and sensuous touch that sends shivers down your spine. jihyo has this power of leaving you breathless in seconds. in the moments between kisses, delightful giggles escape jihyo's lips. 

“you’re such a--” another kiss to your jaw, “--tease.” jihyo says unbelievably.  

“and you’re the one who’s ah- enjoying this.” 

jihyo squeezes your ass gently before kissing your lips again, backing you into the marble of the counter and placing her hands on the edge as she smiles into you. 

lost in pleasure and eagerness, the two of oyu fail to hear the sound of the door being unlocked, opened, and then closed. jihyo's hand slides just barely under your shirt, tickling your ribcage with the brush of her fingers. you wrap your arms around her neck and pull her closer, turning your head a little more to get a better taste, to get more of jihyo. 

“um, y/n?” a voice interrupts the two of you, and it’s too familiar.  

it unfolds like a movie scene; you and jihyo turn to find matt standing there, gripping a backpack strap tightly, his visage a mix of appalled and perplexed. in a rush of apprehension, both of you instinctively release each other, striving to create as much distance as possible while smoothing down stray strands of hair and meticulously adjusting wrinkled garments. 

“matt,” jihyo says, trying to recompose herself—but the blush on her cheeks doesn’t die down whatsoever. “you’re home early. i thought you were coming back at 1?” 

“yeah...” he says awkwardly, embarassed and flushed as he tries to avoid any eye contact. “i was just going to say hi and um, work on homework.” 

“alright, i was just making dinner with--” jihyo clears her throat, “y/n.” 

matt looks between the two of you, narrowing his eyes and sighing.  

“how long have you two been... doing this?” 

you and jihyo exchange a look before you decide to speak up this time, “let’s all sit down at the table and talk about this, how about that?” 

now, you’re trying to form the words to explain that you’ve fucked some kid's aunt the night before, and jihyo’s trying to do properly conjure up a sentence that explains the marks on your neck. 

[marcsburnerphone]

Wish to make up

Captain John price x f!reader

Summary:being johns’ wife has been full of security and safety and you never thought he’d be the one to taint that.

Warnings: angst,(hurt/comfort, 141 task force loves you, price is full of guilt, reader is struggling to process her feelings, they makeup

Finally a part three.

——————-

You woke with heavy arms draped around your waist. The memory of falling asleep is nonexistent just like your want to continue to lay here. You’re frustrated and still deprived of sleep and it’s all because of the man laying happily beside you. With dainty hands you carefully lift his arm and slip out of bed setting it right beside him. Tip toeing out of the bedroom without waking him was light work, what wouldn’t be light work is getting into your car and driving to your best friend's house which also happened to be Gaz’s sister. Were you making this a bigger deal than what it should be, maybe? But are you going to manipulate yourself into acting like it doesn’t hurt, no? Time and space is what your mind was chanting. Maybe that’s what it would take cause he apologized already, even left base to do so but still that icky feeling that sticks to your heart like honey is becoming like a second tissue. With keys in your hand and house slippers on, you make your way to the door confident that you’ll be fast enough.

“Where are you going?” Confidence isn’t always key.

“I- I um I’m going to lanes.” You say turning to face him at the end of the hallway.

“Why?” It’s blunt and laced with pure confusion.

“Cause I want to.” Your eyebrows creased at the obvious answer.

“You never leave when I come home.” His eyes don’t look away from yours for a second, you're actually not even sure if he’s blinked in the past two awkward minutes.

“Well John, the circumstances on this arrival are very different.” He hums in response waiting for you to say more but when you don’t he continues.

“What can I do?” He asks exasperated.

“What?” It’s your turn to return that same energy.

“I'm not sure what I can do further than apologize and come home to show you I’m truly sorry for my actions so now I’m asking what more can I do?” He looks more slouchy than usual, actually than ever John usually holds his head high and his shoulder back right now he just looks tired.

“I just need some space John and time cause I too don’t know what you can do.” Those words shred him apart. He finally looks away and to the side door that leads into the patio.

“Just a little till I calm down or something.” You're trying to make it sound a little less heavy.

“Or something? So should I leave then.” He’s anxiously chewing on his lower lip, something you’ve cursed him for in the past.

“If you’d like but this is your home also.” He laughs and it’s absent of humor.

“How long?” He asks.

“How long?” You return his question confused.

“How much time and space are you asking of me?”

“I’m not sure?” Truthfully you weren’t.

“For fucks sake my love.” He whispers and it’s killing him.

“We’ve just never been in this position before so it’s new and confusing and I’m angry but I love you but it hurts and it’s so unlike you to make me feel this way so I’m sorry but this is the consequence of your own actions and I won’t be the one to apologize, now can you please move your car cause I’ve just noticed your blocking me in.” You couldn’t have even left if you wanted. Oh does god have his ways of working.

He silently walks past you grabbing his keys off the rack by the door and swiftly gets into his car, starting it and backs up signaling for you to exit. You’re now sitting in your car starting it wondering if this is how you should be handling this. But nonetheless you leave and he pulls into your spot. When you get home you figure then you’ll have your thoughts pulled together and you’ll work it out like you know you can.

———-

“Lane but you don’t understand he yelled at me like I wasn’t his wife or any respected person.” It’s been an entire hour of you crying then getting angry at the whole situation again to your poor friend.

“And has he ever done it before in the past three-four years?” Her eyebrow is raised but her tone is soft.

“No but that’s not the point; he's done it now.” The sass in your tone makes her smile.

“Did he apologize?”

“Yes.” You say bluntly.

“So you're punishing him for losing his cool, which he is wrong for but then he apologized and if I remember this right he also came to apologize in person and he’s never done this before.” She’s simply stating facts.

“Well when you put it like that.” You whisper looking out of the open window.

“You're not looking at the bigger picture. I’ve been married, divorced and now remarried. And what I’ve learned from it is love and marriage is a gift but hard fucking work.”

“You had a first husband?” You ask surprised.

“Yeah ages before Dan, his name was Lucas and he was my first love. He was an angry man though I was always doing something wrong in his eyes and all hell broke loose when he was upset. I don’t think he ever once apologized for it though, I did though every single time.” You can tell but the creases between her brows still hurt from it.

“I’m so sorry.” Your worries probably look so stupid in her eyes.

“Dan and I have gotten into it before and it was his fault, something similar to your situation. I had accidentally spilled coffee on his work desk one late night when I brought it to him, it soiled some papers and he lost it. I worried that I was dating Lucas number two till I saw the look in his eyes when all was said and done. He looked devastated, I mean absolutely torn. He apologized immediately and cleaned up the mess he apologizes to this day for it. Sometimes all people can do is apologize because words can’t be taken back but trust can be rebuilt and we love them so much that forgiveness is the only option to moving forward.”

You hum and smile at her warm gaze that’s now laid upon you.

“Do you ever get scared he’ll do it again?”

“No and even if he does I know his heart. We’re human for Christ's sake. I've also said some hurtful things to him when I was stressed. But we know each other and don’t take it in vain.”

The pause in silence is carried in like a warm breeze as you sit and let her words soak in.

“Now if John does it again I’ll kick his ass.” It’s sincere.

You laugh with your entire being at that cause Lane has always kept her word.

“Well in that case I guess I can forgive him.”

“He loves you darling. I’ve known John Price since Gaz first introduced me to him maybe 8 years ago and that man has never looked at or loved someone as gently as he loves you.”

“Was I foolish to make such a big deal out of it?”

She laughs

“No, I cried for a whole night non stop when Dan yelled at me and that whole night he was the one to hold and comfort me. I even told him to just leave to pack up and go but he stayed and was patient and caring and that’s when I knew that man is my forever.”

“John held me this evening while I slept. He actually didn’t want me to leave but still moved his car when I asked so I could go.”

“That man wouldn’t stop you from doing what you wanted even if it’d hurt him.”

“I should go home now, Thankyou for listening to me. I'll come by tomorrow and tell you how it went.”

“Okay honey you get home safe.”

————

On the drive home you just let yourself think. Think of all the times you’ve given John attitude and even the time you’d called him a stupid wanker when he accidentally threw your expensive facial cream that he’d bought away and how he’d taken it with a grain of salt and got you a new one. How the one time you’d scraped the side of his brand new truck and cried to him while explaining what happened and he’d laughed and gotten it repainted the next morning. You’d thought about how so perfect your husband has been, so perfect that you forgot he could be human.

When you pulled into the driveway your heart dropped at the sight of his empty Parking spot. Had he really left? I mean sure your invitation to stay wasn’t so welcoming.

You put your car in park and cried. Cried at how he hurt you and did the only thing he could which was apologize then you cried at how he left all because you basically implied that that is what you wanted and cried about how much you just wanted him to hold you now.

Your car got too cold to sit in so you made your way to the door and inside, unsurprisingly John turned the heater on for you. A cup of tea would surely soothe the hurt.

You sat at the kitchen island sipping from the mug you’d hoped would cure the heavy feeling in your chest. He didn’t even leave a note or a text but then again you told him you needed space.

Lost in thought your forehead pressed to the cold counter, tears slipping mindlessly from your eyes the sound of keys jangling by the door made your head perk up.

Heavy footsteps made their way towards the kitchen when no other than your husband walked in carrying two grocery bags.

“John.” You blinked so heavily relieved at the sight of him.

“Jesus love you scared me.” He doesn’t jump or give any indication that you’d scared him other than the words.

“You didn’t leave.” Your bottom lip quivers and you beg for the tears to stay in your eyeballs.

“Have I ever left without saying goodbye?” He says, setting the bags down and slowly approaching you with caution and softly cupping your face.

You said no more and leant into his strong chest. His arms immediately wrapped around you pulling you in tight. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as a warm scruffy kiss was planted on your temple.

After what felt like forever you parted from him and looked silently into his eyes.

“My love I’m desperately sorry, I’ll say it for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes I just-”

“I know.” You cut him off and caress his cheek lightly as he turns his head planting a kiss to your palm.

“You don’t have to forgive me.” He assures you.

You pull him towards you urging him to kiss you. He complies with no complaints and when your lips meet it's like every speck of worry in this universe fades to none.

“Lane has a way with words I can assume, just like her brother.” John mutters when you pull apart. You laugh and lean your head onto his chest just a bit below his heart listening to the soothing rhythm of it. He sways the two of you side to side and somehow he makes it feel like the earth spins just for you

——————

The holidays have been rough and oh god am I exhausted but nonetheless I can’t Thankyou enough for reading, commenting and showing me an unbelievable amount of support my heart is with you guys.

Comments and reposts are always appreciated <3

@floffytofu @fictionallifestuff

[igotanidea]

Crawl back to you: Jason Todd x reader

Summary: Mexican!reader celebrating dia de los muertos, going throught the process of grieving after Jason's dead and her process of getting better through the years with a little plot twist at the end.

Thank you @thefandomdiaries07 - I played with the idea somewhat, hope you'll like it.

Disclaimer: this is not, in any way, a hate on religious belief, the reader's attitude just fit in the plot. (no offence to anyone meant here, truly)

***

Dia de los muertos.

Day of the Dead.

Despite her origin and upbringing Y/N never really felt connected to this celebration.

Remembering people who died and who she was too young to remember in the first place felt just … weird.

Of course, her mother, aunts and grandmothers got her involved in preparing the ofrenda and preached her about the importance of preparation for the souls’ arrivals but she always did it only half-heartedly, putting on a fake smile and pretending to enjoy the festivities.

But deep down she felt like a freaking hypocrite, while in fact not feeling anything.

And when her family moved to Gotham, out of all places, it got even worse. Poor girl felt conflicted, unaccepted, unsure of who she was and dealing with identity crisis, going as far as renouncing her ancestry to fit in the crowd. She was a teenager what else could you have expected.

Anyhow.

A few months passed and she got used to that god forsaken, lawless hole, keeping herself a bit away from her family, even if technically she was still living the same house. But with her struggles with ethnicity and traditions, she was a bit of a black sheep of the family, having not many true friends and spending most of the time alone,

recklessly wondering alongside the streets, pretending to be a freaking globetrotter. 

 And that was how one day she got involved with the batfamily, starting from being saved from an assault, by the Batman sidekick, Robin.

Jason Todd.

Whose name she learnt a few weeks later, having lost all the hope to see that red, green and yellow bird boy ever again.

However, surprisingly, those two clicked fast enough and even though they were technically still young  teenagers something bigger than friendship started creeping in.

He kissed her for the first time when they were 15.

And it was magical, romantic and send her into a spiral of love and dreams and worries and thoughts about future.

It was pretty much prefect for a whole year, as they somehow managed to make it work despite being forced to keep their relationship a secret from both families.

Imagine the panic that would spread in her family if they knew she was in love with a vigilante.

Imagine the panic that would spread in his family if they knew he told his identity to a girl he fell for.

That was obviously a no go.

So they kept on meeting in secret.

Almost every night she sneaked out of the house to check out on him after patrol and he was escaping Batman’s watchful gaze to have at least a few hours together alone with .

But one night changed everything.

He went to search for his biological mother.

And she should have stopped him or tell him how reckless he was being or do anything to dissuade him from this idea. Instead she laid her head on his shoulder, holding onto him tighter, kissing his lips briefly and making him promise he’d report to her the second he gets back.

A promise he never kept.

***

 “Hello? Who’s this?” she picked up her phone, blissfully unaware of the news that was about to fall upon her.

“Hey… um… is this Y/N?” an unrecognisable male voice reverberated on the other side

“Yes” she frowned “Who is this?” the girl asked again.

“My name’s Dick Grayson. I’m Jason’s older adoptive brother. We’ve never met but… I know you two were close…”

Wait. Did he just say were close?

“What – what happened…?”

The receiver fell from her hand, tears flooded her face and her heart broke in half.

***

His funeral was probably the worst day of her life, even though she couldn’t remember much more than the see of blackness, plenty of people she knew from Jason’s stories but saw for the first time and some meaningless words of consolations.

***

YEAR ONE

It had been eight months since his death and she was still grieving, unsure if the pain in her chest would ever subside or the tears would ever dry.

In that short time, she had become very close to Jason's brother, Dick, who was the perfect definition of an eldest child and had sort of taken her under his wing (pun intended). After everything with Jason and everything in between, she couldn't and didn't want to stay in Gotham, a place that was a painful reminder of the past.

Y/N took a different route every time she came across the places where they hung out or where they first kissed and where they secretly met at night and considering the fact that Gotham wasn't that big, it was slowly becoming impossible to move. And going to school and seeing couples and happy people was like a shot to the heart, making her a walking fountain almost every school break.

She felt a sudden need to get away from everything and moved to Bludhaven, where she started a new school and where Dick made sure she was safe and (as much as possible, meaning not much at all) happy.

It was October and dia de los muertos was right around the corner, of which her family was kind enough to inform her, inviting the girl to the family celebrations, and mentioning the resulting obligations of the living.

Making her angry at first.

Angry and with the sense of unfairness and stupidity of life. You’re there one second, enjoying the presence of the loved ones, and then, in another second you are just gone and it’s like you never really existed.

What was the point of life, apart from constant suffering and uncertainty of tomorrow?

 This whole celebration freaking sucked, and she was not going to celebrate the death, having loved and lost the most important person in her young life!

But…

Once she got herself into that spiral of thinking, Y/N slowly started feeling something more than annoyance at her nation’s cultural habits, overwhelming depression and lack of any motivation to move on. Maybe…

It was the first time she had someone she knew to remember. And to hope that maybe, on this special day, his soul  were walking amongst the living and watching her from the other side even if she could not do the same.

Maybe…

And if he was, maybe it was her only chance to somehow communicate with him, tell him all the words she kept hidden in her soul, that never found a way out. Perhaps from the silent beating of her heart he would feel the love that was still there, the longing, the needing and the fact that despite being gone, he wasn’t and would never be forgotten by her.

Her eyes grew wide and she jumped off the bed, gathering all the necessities and beginning her work.

***

“Y/N?” Punctual as always Dick entered the apartment, carrying the box with her favourite takeout. It was their Thursday tradition to have some good food and hang out together and he was not going to be a breaker. But he definitely did not expect to see his friend kneeling on the floor in front of something that looked like a tiny stairs, painted in red, green and yellow ending with an arch. It was decorated with something he recognised as salt, candles, water and marigold flowers. And the whole apartment smelled like lavender for some reason. “Y/N? What are you doing?” he put the food on the table, seriously concerned by her mental state.

“Oh!” she almost jumped at the sound of his voice, turning around to face him. “Hey, Dick. It’s just a little celebration.”

“Of what?” he frowned, not understanding a thing. “What is this?”

“ofrenda” she explained, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but his confused gaze made her realise that maybe not everyone were familiar with the festivity. “an offering.”

“An offering? Of what? To who? And why?”

Y/N almost rolled her eyes.

“I thought Bruce made you go the private school. Don’t you know anything about dia de los muertos?”

“I thought you were done with your national customs?”

“I was…” she sighed deeply reaching for the picture she was about to hang in her little altar. Jason, smiling, happy at some point back in time, that was never supposed to go back. She took the photo at one of their walks in the park in the autumn, with the sun shining and colourful leaves falling down from the trees. “but things have changed…” Y/N whispered, caressing Jason’s cheek on the photo, her eyes still shining with love and affection, but also tinged with sadness. “I miss him…”

“I know, Y/N. I miss that little prick too.”

“Yeah, he was a prick, wasn’t he? And an asshole, sometimes.” She chuckles as Dick sat on the floor next to her. “I bet if he’s around he’s annoyed at us bad-mouthing him.”

“If he’s around?”

“Yeah, the whole point of this day is that the souls come back to earth to visit us.”

“so it’s basically something like Halloween.”

“ more or less so. But cut the haunting part.” She smiled a little “We can’t see the deceased but we can feel them…”

“do you?”

“do I what?” Y/N frowned at his question. “Do I feel him?”

“Yeah. Sorry if it’s too soon or too bold thing to say, Y/N…”

“It’s not. It’s okay. I can’t exactly feel him, but it doesn’t mean he’s not here. We both agreed he was a prick sometimes, maybe he’s just hiding from me. Just to tease me. But that won’t stop me from calling upon him even from beyond the grave.”

She stood up and put the picture at the top stairs.

“Hey Todd, if you’re somewhere there, I’m not gonna go easy on you. See you next year, you little asshole.”

YEAR TWO

“Hey, Y/N, I dropped by decorating store and bought some things for your ofrenda this year, wanna take a look at them?”

YEAR THREE

You know, Dick, I’m not sure if Jason would appreciate us using the cape here….

“Your limiting my imagination….”

“I don’t care. I’m in charge. Remove it, now”

YEAR FOUR

 Did you make the ofrenda without me, Grayson!?

YEAR FIVE

No way in hell she was going to let Dick take charge this year. For the past four of them he was growing more and more fond of the day of the dead, starting from assisting and doing shopping ending on going behind her back in finalising his own crazy concept. And finally, the tide had changed and Y/N had to put her foot down.

“What do you mean  you want me to leave?!” Dick cried out the second she told him what punishment she chose for him “Y/N! Why?! It’s so unfair, I – “

“You hijacked my preparations last year. And two years ago. And to tell the truth, three years ago as well!”

“I didn’t – ok, fine…” he raised his hands in surrender “but you can’t blame me for that! It’s really fu-“ he stopped in the middle of the sentence.

“You wanted to say funny, didn’t you?” Y/N raised an eyebrow and Dick blushed a little. Maybe it was a bit inappropriate and unfortunate word to use.

“NO! No I wanted to say… um…” Dick was desperately searching for more accurate wording, also starting with fu, but obviously the alternatives were even worse.

“See that’s the whole point. You kind of missing the message of the day. Yes, sure, it’s supposed to be fun way to honour the dead and tame death in some way, but still it’s also supposed to be at least a little bit of an opportunity to stop for a second and think about things and people.  I really appreciate your positive attitude and it’s not like I’m kicking you out, but...”

“but you do.” Dick smirked and nodded with understanding.

“I just feel like I need to be alone for a while, ok? It’s been five years and at his point I feel like I sometimes need to focus to even remember his face without a photo. It’s all becoming a blur, lost in the joy and amusement. And I don’t want that. I want to remember.”

“Is that why you never gave any boy any chance to –“ he cut out again without really thinking what he was saying.

“Grayson… “ she trailed warningly.

“I’m out! I’m out! Don’t hit me!” he rushed towards the exit. “Just call me when it will be safe to come back, ok?”

“Got it. Now get out!” she chuckled, closing and locking the door behind her friend.

Every little word she said was true.

She wanted to remember.

She had to remember.

It was the only way to fill that little dent in her heart, that Jason left when he died. She couldn’t just let go of him, even though Dick was probably right, and after so many years she should have moved on.  But both her heart and her soul refused to do so.

Maybe you only get one chance to meet your soulmate and Y/N was close to sure that  Jason has been hers.

”It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" she whispered the quote to herself while reaching for Jason’s photo she chose for this year’s decoration, turning them over in her hands for a while, looking at the face of a 15 year old she used to know “I wonder what you would look like now. Bet you’d be even more handsome and all the girls would be jealous I got such a catch.” She laughed a little “Hope you don’t hear me now, cause god damn, that would be such an ego booster for you.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” The sudden male voice coming from behind her made her jump (almost the mirror situation to the one that occurred five years ago when Dick found her preparing the ofrenda). But this time it was not Dick standing in her apartment.

“What the actual fuck!?” she yelled taking a fighting stance she learned from Grayson, knowing it would not help her at all due to the shaking of her body at the view in front of her.

“Handsome, huh?” Jason Todd in the flesh, absolutely not dead, brushed some unruly hair from his forehead, looking at her with a playful expression

“¡Estas muerto! ¡Eres un fantasma! ¡¿Qué está pasando?! Cómo –?“ as usual when she got nervous she started using Spanish. (you’re dead! You’re a ghost! What’s going on?! How-?)

“Baby…” Jason took a step forward, hesitantly. “Baby…” he opened his arms “I;m not dead, I swear to you. I-“

She cut him off by diving into his embrace, holding him tightly, wanting to make sure that he wasn’t just a friction of her imagination and needing to feel his warmth, the beating of his heart and his breathing.

“You’re really here!” she cried out, tears falling down her cheeks like a waterfall when she nuzzled into his chest. Honestly, she didn’t need any explanation, at least not at this point. She only wanted him close, afraid that if she let go for as much as a second he would disappear again. “Swear to me this is not a dream…” she muttered, against his shirt. “Swear to me.” Her entire body shook from the shock, she felt so small in his arms, but also safe as never before. It was like after five long years she got home again, that this missing part of her heart was found, and immediately jumped into the place reserved solely for him, unrepleacable. She was whole again and that was what count.

“Baby…. Oh, my sweet girl…” Jason wrapped his arms around her, caressing her back and hair, pulling her even closer, wanting to comfort her, to give her all that love and peace she was deprived of for what felt like ages. “I’m really here. I’m here. My baby… I’m back to you.” He whispered, closing his eyes, feeling equally, if not more emotional than her. He’s been through hell but the only though that made him keep on going was her. His angel. His joy. His only source of light in the eternal darkness that seemed to surround and swallow him. His grip on her tightened and he hoped to convey all these unspoken words to her through hugs and caresses and the gentle brushing of his lips against her temples.

“I love you…” she sobbed desperately, blurting out the only thing that was on her mind at the moment. “I missed you and I love you and –“

“I know baby. I love you too. And I promise you, you’ll never have to worry about hanging my picture in your altar ever again. Ever. I’ll crawl back to you every time and not even death can stop me from being with you. ”

And they just stood there, next to something that was supposed be an tribute to not-so-dead Jason Todd, holding and hugging each other tightly, creating the little bubble only for them two and being so very happy cutting out the entire world and reality, lost in daydream that happened to be the upcoming future for two people that have loved, have lost, and luckily, have found a way back to each other.

Talking could wait.

Silence, in the company of the only person that mattered, came first.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life Is Short So Make It Sweet

Chapter 27: Creating New Habits

Summary- 5.5k Curtis Everett x Plus!Sized Reader. Making the decision to step way out of another comfort zone is hard but taking that chance on yourself? Something you want to do. Curtis is thrilled to get to help you on this journey.

Warnings- Smut. This is an 18+ only blog. Reader dealing with self-doubt and harsh self-talk.

A/N- Thank you to everyone following Curtis and Honey's journey. It means so much to me as this series is such a personal comfort of mine. Special shout out to @what-is-your-plan-today and @mumbles411 for giving this a read over before posting. Dividers made by the talented @firefly-graphics. Likes are appreciated, but if you enjoyed this, please leave a comment and share, it really means so much to me. Thank you again!

Chapter Twenty-Six / Masterlist

What are you doing here Y/N? Your mind raced as you peered out your windshield at the old brick building with a sign that said Big Jon’s Boxing.

You should wait till Curtis can come with you.

You were petrified, the gym was so daunting, but you wanted to prove that you didn’t need Curtis to just come here. 

Gyms were a nightmare for you, you had seen the videos people would post of bigger people working out. That was probably your biggest fear, a video of you plastered all over the internet while you struggled. You could hear Jake’s snickering laugh at your expense, the one he used whenever you embarrassed yourself in front of one of his friends.

“She can’t be brilliant all the time, can you Babe?”

“Whatever Jake, shut the hell up.” You whispered out loud to no one really, just an attempt to drive his voice out of your head. 

You can do this, You want to do this.

You prepped talk yourself while pushing the door open and stepping into the parking lot.

After all, you are just checking it out today, nothing else. 

You stepped into a well-lit area, wide open full of equipment and a few boxing rings scattered around. People milled around, minding their business and never glancing at where you awkwardly stood and looked around. Upbeat music played from various speakers scattered around and a few televisions were hanging above equipment with the screens fixed on different channels.

A nearby desk had a large older man sitting behind it, on his computer when he looked around it to where you were standing. “Hi, can I help you?” 

You stepped towards the desk, giving a light shrug of your shoulder. “I’m just checking the place out. My boyfriend said this gym was the place to go to learn some self-defense moves.” 

“We can certainly do that here, we offer some one-on-one courses or group sessions. Who is your boyfriend? He sounds like a regular here.”

“He was, his name is Curtis Everett.” 

“Oh ho, Curtis! You tell him Big Jon has been wondering where the hell he has gone off to. Grey told me he met someone.” He grinned as he held out his hand towards yours to shake. Your hand felt swallowed in his as you returned the gesture. “How is he doing?” 

“Oh, he is doing good, busy as always.” You said with a small smile. It was hard not to with this man’s energy. Big Jon certainly did remind you of Grey, his presence calming even though he was more vocal than your friend was. Warm eyes twinkled and the lines creased on his face as you two started talking more about Curtis. 

“That sounds about right. I’ve never known him to sit around doing nothing. Always got something happening.”

“That certainly is Curtis.” 

Big Jon hummed in agreement, his large arms folding over his chest and leaning back slightly against his desk. “So self-defense, smart of you to learn.” He reached behind him and grabbed a pamphlet. “Of course feel free to check out the facilities and take this with you, think over what best suits you.” 

You took the pamphlet with a soft thank you. “I will be sure to.” Behind you more people came in, splitting off to talk to Big Jon. You took that moment to walk around, and get a feel for the atmosphere. Everyone was just stuck in their own headspace, mostly ignoring you or giving a brief glance as you passed by. 

Maybe this isn’t so bad. You finally admitted to yourself after your tour, returning to the car and sliding in behind the wheel while your thoughts started to gain more confidence. Doesn’t even have to be a class, I can get Curtis to teach me after all. You glanced down at the gym membership card now in your hand. I did it.

This was a huge moment, you felt the exhilaration of facing this fear after a lifetime of being self-conscious about even stepping into a gym. The last time you had, Jake had made you feel so bad about trying that you had quit that very day. But not this time, this time you weren’t worried that Curtis would have some snide remark about you trying. If anything, he was going to be just as thrilled for you as you were.

Already feeling better about the whole idea of joining a gym, you started the car to head back to Curtis’s house for the night. 

You were just coming down the stairs after a shower when you heard Curtis’s truck pull into the driveway. Within moments his heavy steel toe boots were thumping on the steps and the front door was opening to let him in. Your steps down went a little faster, causing him to glance up from where he was unlacing his boots to watch you come down the stairs. 

Dark brows shot up with interest and his blue eyes seemed to drink you in as the sundress he had picked out for you swayed around your thighs. 

The little tingle of pride in making him pause zipped up your spine and gave you a buzz. “Honey, you look…” 

“Cute?” You asked with a teasing tone, pausing on the last step, giving you an advantage of being closer in height when Curtis straightened. 

“Cute is used when you cocooned yourself in the blankets and I have to unravel you out while you’re protesting the entire time,” Curtis smirked as he finished getting his boots off and with silent stocking feet approached that bottom step. Letting his hands flow along the curves of your hips while he brought you close to the step edge, leaving almost no space between the two of you while your arms went over his shoulders and you fiddled with the chain at the back of his neck. 

“Oh god, that is not cute.” Your nose wrinkled at the image, knowing fully how you just weren’t a morning person, no way you could be cute at that moment. 

“I say it is. No, right now you are beautiful and sexy as hell wearing my dress that I picked out for you.” His hands wrapped suddenly around the back of your thighs, at some point he had been able to sneak them just under your dress and with a yelp of surprise from you, he wrapped them around his waist.

“Curtis James!” You clutched at him while he gave a huff of a laugh at your response but started kissing all the sensitive spots on your neck, starting right at your racing pulse and then down towards your shoulder. “One day you’re gonna-” 

“If I hurt my back, then that is on me Honey.” He was quick to cut you off your protest, clearly enjoying having made you wrap around him even if you protested. “You do realize I will never get tired of doing this to you.” 

You giggled, allowing your actual happiness to take over any of your worries as your hands loosened on his upper back and you let them slide up over his shoulders and along his neck to cup his bristled face. “Guess what I did today?” You pressed a kiss to his lips, teasing him with light nips that made him groan deeply while trying to keep you in contact. You managed to pull away again to see a flush start to rise on his neck and the tips of his ears redden.

“Mmhh, what did my Pretty Girl do?” Curtis rumbled out as his fingers flexed into a tighter hold on the back of your thighs. 

“I went to check out that gym you suggested. Met Big Jon and got a membership.” Your grin spread as you said it, showing him just how happy you were about it. 

Curtis gave a whoop and spun enough to make your dress flare out, your outburst of a laugh melding with his praise. “Honey, you’ve made my day.” There was no missing his kiss this time, making everything in you tingle, your fingers curling around his cheeks to hold on and keep up. Within seconds your toes touched the floor as he let you lower back to a stand. “Honestly Y/N, I am so fucking proud of you for this.” 

You gave a shy little shrug, the praise making you feel good and it was still such a new feeling for you. “I figured it was time.” 

“Hey…” His fingers brushed against your chin, tilting you up to meet his gaze. “If it’s what you want, then it’s time.” He said firmly and you nodded to confirm that this was what you wanted and nothing else. 

“Cross my heart.” You made the motion across your chest, his eyes teasing as they dropped to watch the criss cross of fingers across your cleavage. 

He rumbled a bit, his tone dropping in timbre. “Quit distracting me.” Curtis teased, letting his fingers trace over your collarbone and darting in to press his lips to yours once more. 

You managed to mutter between his swift kisses. “One more thing, before we get too carried away.” Your hand pressed against his firm chest and he immediately paused with an arch of his brow to have you continue with your request. 

“You’re right. I should go take a shower.” He suddenly muttered, looking down at himself covered in some grime and grease from his day at the trainyard. “Shit, I wasn’t thinking Honey.” He swiftly apologized but you fisted your hand in his shirt before he could pull away. 

“You know I don’t give a shit about that. Can you take me down the cellar to see what you have down there for workout equipment?” 

“Of course, Honey.” He grabbed his lunch bag and your hand to lead you into the kitchen, depositing his bag by the sink. “It's a bit of a clutterfuck down there though. Some of Gram and Gramp’s very dated furniture made its way down there and I just haven’t hauled it away yet.” 

You rolled your eyes playfully at him, letting him lead you down the old wooden stairs while artificial overheads started to flicker on below you. “I’m not one to judge, my apartment is currently a disaster.” 

Curtis gave a chuckle while he worked his way down, you following behind him carefully. You glanced around the space as this was your first time coming down and indeed was a bit of clutter, but you could see that he had one section cleaned out around the furnace and their was a small section of that squared off with a workout bench and a dusty punching bag. A frame of weights stood near the bench, neatly aligned weights by size. When you were able to glance at the amount of weights still attached to the bar, your eyes widened a bit, from a quick count of numbers, he was certainly lifting more than you weighed. 

“Holy shit…” You muttered and Curtis glanced at you to see you adding on your fingers just to be sure. Again that red crept up his neck and his hand clasped at the back of his neck, rubbing at it. 

It was rare to see Curtis get a bit bashful and it made you grin. “I mean, that was back last summer Honey, I don’t know about doing that much now.” 

“It probably wouldn’t be safe to just jump back into it.” You agreed while he worked some of the weights off the bar, your head tilting to admire the way his back flexed under his shirt during the process, and gave a wistful sigh at the view. 

Curtis gave you a knowing look as he wiped the dust off the bench and sat down while flexing his hands before laying back to inhale deeply. You did the math from the amount of weights left on the bar and your eyes widened a bit. “Curtis you sure about…” 

“I’m fine Honey.” His hands fitted on the bar and moved to lift it off the frame. Your breath held with apprehension at first, he claimed he was fine, he certainly lifted you plenty of times even though you would protest, but you also knew that sometimes his back would spasm and you would hate for him to hurt himself. 

Curtis didn’t seem to struggle though. Sure all the muscles in his shoulders and chest tightened with the effort. Your worry melded into arousal at the view while, at the same time you felt almost envious in the way he was able to so easily lift that weight in such a fluid motion, like it was an ease for him. All too soon he was putting the bar back and pushing back up to a sit. 

His brow arched at you, his knowing smile flirting with his slightly pink-tinged face from his workout. “Com’ere Pretty Girl.” Patting his thigh with his palm. You took a breath and approached him, glancing at his thigh with trepidation before moving to straddle him while his hands slid around to rest on the fullness of your backside. “Tell me what you were just thinking about.” 

Your arms slipped over his broad shoulders, your fingers brushing against the back of his neck to brush against the hairs there. Your gaze roamed his curious face, mapping out the slight arrangement of freckles darting across his nose to his dark lashes that were almost sinful to be on a man. Dropping to the soft pink of his lips among the darkness of his trimmed beard. “I was admiring how incredibly fine you are.” 

Your head dipped to his, your nose trailing against his while breathing in deeply, his cologne heightened cause he was heated up a bit more. You whispered as you pressed your lips to his. “You also smell really good.” 

Curtis shifted a bit, his hands finding a stronger hold on your ass while arching you closer into him. His cerulean blues darkened slightly, the air around the two of you charging with arousal. “I should have brought you down here sooner.” He grunted while your hands slid back over his shoulders and down his chest, your hand fisting in his tee to tug it over his head. 

“Yes, you should because damn if that wasn’t a turn-on.” You said earnestly as your hand twisted in his chain and you arched in close, your mouth finding his and giving a searing kiss. He ground you into him again, this time a lot harder against you, his hips pushing up to meet you. You whimpered into his mouth, your pussy starting to throb and grow wet with need to have him. You could taste him, his smell permeated your senses and made your entire mind grow fuzzy with desire. As dirty as he was from his day at work, it was now driving you mindless. You tugged at his pants while a hand slapped at your ass, making you sting. 

Your dress was tugged away, roughly while your nails streaked down to grab at his belt, working it open. “How much do you like these leggings Pretty Girl?” Curtis just about growled out as your bra got yanked down, his mouth finding its way between your cleavage, the graze of his beard rough against them, and you chased after that feeling. 

“These leggings?” You said with a gasp, wriggling your hips in an urgency. “Burn them off if you gotta Curtis.” 

His moan vibrated into your chest where his face was buried, kissing and worshipping your breasts while he had them exposed to his tongue and teeth. You got his pants yanked open enough to pull his cock out, stroking it with one hand while you moved the other to grab at the back of his head, keeping him pressed in against you. 

Everywhere you felt him nip with sharp teeth his tongue soothed the sting away and left you wanting more. His cock throbbed in your hand as you moved it just how he liked it, the slight squeezes and speeding up to give him the friction, your thumb collecting the small beads of precum collecting to suck off the pad of your finger, humming with eagerness. Curtis pulled up, taking in how your lips parted to suck, his fingers digging into your leggings like they were now pissing him off.

“No one knows just how dirty you can be, do they?” His tone dropped, a whole hunger burning in his voice as you smirked at him, popping your thumb from your mouth, now cleaned of the pearly droplets. Your hips were yanked, the fabric giving away as easily as if he was opening a present. 

“Only for you Curtis.” You teased, giving a slight cry as his fingers stroked along your soaked panties, your head falling back to be able to focus on how your body was weeping to be fucked, how his fingers were pushing between slick folds to tease you to something greater than the need you were in now. Curtis was pushing up into your hand, fucking him with your touch just as he was starting to with you, his fingers thick as they filled your needy, weeping hole. 

“Hell yes only for me.” Possessively intimate in his touch, your pussy squelching as they squeezed his fingers stroking you, touching you in the way only he could, your hips started bouncing up and down on him, one hand still on his cock, jerking him off while the other braced against his shoulder, nails digging in to get the leverage needed to ride his fingers. “Your wet needy hole needed to be filled by me, Pretty Girl.” Your head nodded to confirm as your moans of his name got louder. “So fucking messy and perfect riding my fingers. But I want you coming all over my cock as I fill that greedy hole.” 

“Curtis, please.” Now that he put that image in your head, you needed more than his fingers bringing you to the edge. Pulling up enough to slide his cock between your thighs, you waited long enough for him to move his hand and then started to sink down, stretching you open and making you gasp at the burn. He was always going to stretch you, and you welcomed that feeling of him seeming to sink into your wanting pussy for so long. 

“Thatta girl, you can take me.” His messy hand grasped the roll on your hip, pulling you down onto him. “Always just swallow my cock, fuck.” He hissed as he pushed up, meeting you with a pounding thrust. 

It was just what you needed, bouncing now to meet him Your hands grabbed at one another to hold on, his grunts of effort were matched with your panting moans. Your body went tacky with sweat as your movements became rushed. Your pussy wept around his pounding cock, sucking him in as he hit your sweet spot over and over. 

His mouth found yours, swallowing your moans as his own while you started to break for him, crying with a sharp plea. Wave after wave of pleasure consumed you, making you lose your rhythm as you fell into his chest, clinging to him. His touch turned harder, moving your body to ease you through as you buried your face into his shoulder. “Got you, Honey.” His words slurred, his movements turning rushed and desperate. 

Your head lifted, your lips brushing against his ear as your arms slipped around his neck to hold onto him. “I need you Curtis, fill me up and let me feel full of you.” Your voice was soft against him, gentle quiet pleads that were all for Curtis. “You are so good at making me satisfied.”

You teased his earlobe, nibbling and kissing along the shell, he wrapped you tighter to his hold while your legs trembled and you sank in against him letting him support you. He groaned loud, muttering a curse while warm sticky cum filled you, making you hum with satisfaction that not only did you come, but he did too.

Your touch on his skin was everywhere, stroking your fingers against tensed quivering muscles and letting him hide against you for support as you did him several times, murmuring how much you love him for making you feel so safe and satisfied with him.

“I love you so much, Curtis.” You pressed kisses against his shoulder, letting your head rest in the crook of his neck, soaking in the moment. It didn't matter where you two were, it could be in the lush bed of the hotel in Florida or his dusty cluttered basement, it always felt so good being this way with him, it always ended with you feeling worshipped and satisfied. 

“You got this Y/N, you're not going for power right now but just hitting in the same spot.” Grey held up his padded hands in front of you as you focused on the center of his palm and lashed out. You felt weak in your movements though, unsure as you hit against his hands one after the other, alternating which arm was throwing the punch. 

“I feel like I’m not gaining any progress.” You sighed with frustration, pulling back to run your hand against your forehead to wipe away the sweat and catch your breath. Grey loosened one of the gloves, pulling it off. 

“More than you think, you're more consistently hitting and a lot harder too.” His palm flexed to get the sting out. “I know it seems to take forever to notice any change though.”

You tried to take Grey’s words to heart as you wandered to your water bottle to grab a drink, leaning against the ring ropes for a breather. Your gaze fell on Curtis not too far away, his stance wide-legged as he mimicked what you were just doing, only he was hitting a heavy bag, making it swing. You hadn’t even managed to get that thing to move with your punches. 

The back of his shirt clung to his upper back, dark with sweat and you could see the flush of red on the back of his neck creeping up. It didn’t escape you that you were openly admiring the scene before you and tried to subdue it a bit. But it was hard not to, what could you say… Curtis was fucking hot when he was focusing on his workout. 

You still had yet to see him in the ring boxing with another opponent, claiming he was too out of shape for anything like that for now. 

“Hey Curtis…” Grey called out as he started working his way out of the ring. “I gotta go pick up Soph, you wanna come take over?” 

You noticed the immediate change in Curtis, his stance relaxing, shaking out his arms, and all that coiled forced power fading from notice. “Yeah… Tell my niece I will see her this weekend.” 

Grey grabbed his stuff, ready to head off to the locker room. “According to Ella, she hasn’t stopped talking about you guys taking her to that butterfly exhibit.” Grey waved a hand at you in goodbye, you mimicked the move back at him. 

“We’re excited to take her.” You took another sip of water, feeling your breathing start to slow back to normal.

“Keep up the good work Y/N, remember every little bit is progress!” Grey shouted over his shoulder as he disappeared. Curtis pulled himself up, slipping onto the mat while fitting on gloves. 

“He is right Honey. You are stronger already.” Curtis looked you up and down, just as obvious as when you checked him out. “Still need a breather?” 

You glared at him as he gave a slight grin at your expression, You were dripping sweat, hair mattered and although he was red-faced and had beads dotting his hairline on his forehead, he looked still fresh. But your breathing had gone steadier and you didn’t feel that wobble in your arms as much.

“Put them up.” 

Curtis hissed in approval, eyes flashing proudly as he lifted his mitted hands, ready to block you.

“That's my girl… Don’t hold back.” You went to hit, but at the last second, you veered off, unable to make contact. Your arm jerked away, not wanting to smack the gloves held up for you. 

“Damn it.” You pulled back with hesitation and Curtis shrugged it off, thinking you simply just missed. 

“It’s okay Honey.” He repositioned himself to prepare for you. “Try again.” 

Your nose wrinkled a bit as you tried zeroing on his hands, ignoring that you were about to hit Curtis. But you couldn’t, it was still blaring in your head and when you threw your hands into the hit, they weakly plunked off of his hands. “Ugh!” you huffed frustrated as you turned away from Curtis, putting space between you. 

His own hands dropped, concern marring his features. “What’s wrong? Are you tired cause we can call it a day.” 

“No, I’m not tired.” You bounced around on the heels of your toes to try to shake the anxiety that was building in your chest. Your whispers muttering to yourself. “Just do it Y/N, stop being this way, stop being weak.” 

Hearing you talk to yourself bothered Curtis, the way you were so harsh to yourself. You hadn’t done that in a long time and he wasn’t about to let you continue. “Hey Baby, Look at me.” His tone was a command more than a request, he gripped at the velcro tie on one hand with his teeth and ripped it open to shake his hand out. Within a step he was standing in front of you, his freed hand cupping your cheek enough to stop you. You averted your eyes for a moment, anger making them darker but finally they flitted up to him with regret. “Deep breath in, please.” 

You almost defied him, but you softened and let the air fill your lungs and his deep timbre requested an out, your exhale giving a bit of relief to all the thoughts racing in your head. “Sorry… I-I” You fizzled out a bit. Your hands went to his other glove, working it open. “You should take this off.” 

He pulled his hand away from your grasp enough so you couldn’t take it off. “Talk to me Honey, what just happened.” Curtis's head tilted closer, keeping the conversation between just the two of you. His fingers brushed against your cheek, pulling his thumb away enough to show the glisten of frustrated tears at the end. “I want to help you through this.” 

You struggled a moment with it, finally admitting your downfall. “I can’t hit you Curtis. I just can’t, when I even think of hitting you it makes me feel sick.” 

“You’re not hitting me though Honey, this is practice. You’re not going to hurt me.” He pointed out the obvious, an arm easing around you and you stepped in closer to let your face press against his damp chest and sigh against it while you felt supported. 

“It feels like it though and I can’t bring myself to follow through with what Grey has been teaching me.” 

A heavy hand rubbed at your back, now that it was out there, you couldn’t just take it back. You were sure Curtis found this just as ridiculous as you. 

He is gonna think you are trying to get out of exercising. That you’re fat and unwilling to make the effort. Just listen to your breath when doing the minimum. 

That nasty voice plagued you, sounding so much like Jake that you felt your shame flare up all over again. 

But his hand never stopped and finally, he tipped you back up to look at him. “Okay, I get it. If you asked me to do that, I would stress about that too.” 

“You don’t think I’m being stupid?” You sniffled a bit and he shook his head, now brushing your loosened hair back from your face. 

“No, I don’t ever think that Honey. You wouldn’t be this upset if it didn’t matter. Let’s try something else- together.” Curtis added, sweeping down to grab at the glove he had discarded earlier and led you to the edge of the ring, helping ease you out. “There is plenty of equipment here, you can punch on all that instead.” He winked at you and already you could feel the knot in your chest start to loosen up. 

Curtis ended up taking you across the gym to a punching dummy, masculine in its features.

You reached out to touch it, the material firm but had some give. “Yeah, I can hit on this.” 

“Mmh, I thought so.” His arm was slung around your shoulder while you explored the dummy. You gave a bit of a punch to see how it felt, grinning when you felt it sway just a bit. 

“Just imagine this is that prick from the bar or your ex.” He whispered against your ear before stepping back. This time when your arm swung back, the force you hit it made it sway back. “Like a champ Honey.” 

His praise replaced that anxious feeling. 

“Remember the hammer strike Y/N?” Grey asked from the side of the ring, Edgar standing before you while Curtis watched from the opposite side. You looked confident while Edgar jokingly teased. 

“Be easy on me.” 

Curtis grinned as you flashed a smirk, sensing the way your muscles were tightening as you prepared the move Grey was asking for. 

“Scared Edgar?” 

“Maybe a little!” He made like he was going to attack you, but you were quick on your feet, dancing back a step and striking out for his head. The helmet he was wearing blocked your attack, but you kept at it, making him back up till Grey clapped his hands together sharply to have you break apart from him. 

It was a stroke of genius on Tanya’s part to suggest Edgar after Curtis was talking to Grey about how it went after he had left. He never went into details about what happened, but simply said that you had conflicting feelings about practicing the self-defense on him.

Tanya’s hint was not so subtle when she turned towards Edgar who was sneaking out a donut from the box on her desk meant for the break room. “Have Y/N practice on Edgar, you would do it, right?” She arched a brow at Edgar like she dared him to say no. “Do anything to help out, I just know you would Edgar.” 

“Uh-” Edgar stuttered, being put right on the spot. “Sure, I mean of course I would. I haven’t been to Big Jon’s in ages anyway.” The donut getting crammed into his mouth quickly. 

“Good man.” Tanya smirked, clapping a hand on his back. 

At first, you had balked at the idea, not wanting to hit him either but Curtis was able to convince you. Last Halloween also might have been a lasting memory about why you wanted to rough Edgar up a bit. You finally relented, far more enthusiastic about training with Edgar’s assistance. 

Now Curtis saw your confidence build as Grey moved you through the moves, eventually ending with you dragging Edgar down onto the mat after escaping from a bear hug, you were gasping for breath, sweat running down your face as you put your hands to your knees for a second to catch your breath, but you looked triumphant. 

A big booming clap sounded right next to Curtis, making him glance over in surprise at Big Jon slamming his hands together. “Damn, that was a sight to see! Edgar getting whooped all over the ring. Good job Sweetheart.” 

The grin on your face got wider as you wiped your arm across your forehead, a bit of bashfulness but happiness making you squeak out. “Thank you Jon.” 

“She is doing incredible.” Jon said a lot gentler while you reached for Edgar’s hand, helping him back to a stand and retreating to grab some water. 

Curtis hummed in agreement. “That’s because she is. She overcame a lot to come here for this. I’m so proud of my girl.” He pulled himself up into the ring, leaving behind Big Jon for the moment while stalking across the mat.

You were cleaning yourself up when you flung the towel around your neck, holding onto the ends as you gave him that questioning grin. “What did you think?” Your teeth snagged at your bottom lip, nervous about what he would say. 

“Fucking badass is what I think Honey.” His voice was deeper than normal, his eyes darkening as his hands rested on your hips, dragging you in close. With a dip of his head towards your ear, his beard grazing along your cheek while whispering. “Driving me insane watching you, I’m not going to make it back home till I have to fuck you.” 

Your eyes went wide and excitement fluttered through your chest to settle low, and then lower still while you subtly clenched your thighs together, your heart racing all over again for another reason. His mouth hotly pressed to yours, drawing out a surprised sultry moan as you got lost in the kiss, the whole gym fading away for those few seconds.

[lace-coffin]

could you write something with Bubba Sawyer who's dating a s/o who is chubby(and ftm if that's all right) and they dislike how their body looks. It would be amazing if this included smut.

Bubba Sawyer with a ftm!chubby!Reader who’s feeling insecure (NSFW)

I use he/they/she for bubba in my fics btw!

Both you and bubba were bigger guys, both having a soft layer of fat cushioning your body to paw at and whisper sweet nothings into on warm Texas mornings in bed. You loved Bubbas body, big burly and hairy, thick arms to carry farm equipment and to hold you when you need protecting from the harsh outside world. You wouldn’t change a thing about your partner.

So why couldn’t you extend that love to yourself? It wasn’t like you disliked fat people, your beautiful girlfriend was fat for Christ’s sake, all soft curves and smooth edges you couldn’t keep you hands off so why did you feel so gross about your own body? You adored it on bubba but on you it just all seemed…wrong. You didn’t always feel this way, some days were better than others and you’re working on accepting and loving your body but it’s such a struggle on days like these.

work around the homestead finished for the day you practically jump bubba once he’s kicked off her boots and wiped the sweat from her brow. Squealing in surprise and making a soft ‘oof’ noise from the impact they return the affection, sliding their thick arms around your middle and placing a soft kiss onto the crown of your head. There’s no missing the way you squirm in discomfort, shrinking under his touch and pulling away almost as if burned.

Instantly your partner is checking you over. Did she do something wrong? Are you injured somewhere? are you feelings sick? Placing their hand back onto your stomach they whimper, worrying you might need a trip to the doctor, the nearest one is so far out too..

Giggling a little at their motherly instinct you remove his hand from your stomach, guiding her hand and lacing your fingers together, pressing a kiss to their knuckles.

“I appreciate your concern honey but I’m not sick so don’t go worrying yourself about that”

Bubba lets out a relived breath, glad to know you won’t be needing to be hauled into the truck and driven out of town to the nearest doctor but if that’s not the issue then what..? Cocking their head to the side they sign “please tell me?”. If signs could have a : ( emoji you’re convinced it would be tacked on the end. She looks like a wet cat in the rain, sick with worry.

You sigh and relent, not wanting to admit what you’ve been dealing with but wanting to scare your partner even less. Seeing your reluctance he squeezes your hand in encouragement, prompting you to go on. Taking a deep breath and releasing you start.

“I haven’t been feeling good about my body, I’m usually fine with how I look but right now it just freels…gross. Like my skin doesn’t fit the way it should and my fat is sitting all wrong. I just don’t feel very handsome right now.”

The look that passes over your partners face can only be described as pure heartbreak and confusion. Shes thinks you’re the most breathtaking man in the world so why..? You’ve had bad days sure but never pulled away from him like this.

Seeing the expression plaster itself on their face in time real time makes you scramble to explain.

“It’s nothing you’ve done! I’m just having a shitty day, been feeling weird and out of it…I’m sure I’ll be ok soon”

You’re not sure whether you’re trying to convince bubba or yourself.

Nodding in understanding she signs again.

“How can I help? I love you”

“Love you to big guy! Just uh, do you mind if we hang out in our room today? I don’t really feel up to seeing everyone at dinner.”

Humming in agreement you make your way up the stairs, bubba squeaking out an embarrassed noise as you slap his ass that’s just sitting in front of you. It’s too tempting not to. She doesn’t take that lightly, grabbing you by the waist (once you reach the landing, they’re not trying to break both do your necks.) and slinging you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. You kick and struggle but you’re easily overpowered, not that you don’t love it, but what’s life without a little fight?

Bubba tosses you onto the bed, giggling at the way you bounce before landing. You spread your arms with an amused look and invite them to join you. Wasting no time he crawls into your arms, mask unfastened and slung to one side. Earlier into your relationship it had taken a lot of trust and work on both ends to get them comfortable enough to unmask around you but now it’s like it never mattered in the first place, you’ve made him feel so loved and worthy without the mask it makes her wonder why she was ever so adamant on keeping it on.

Sweet kisses between the two of you quickly turn heated and rougher, tongues gliding over eachothers messily, muffled moans caught between bitten lips. Thick fingers trail down your body, dipping below the hem of your shirt, teasing the soft plush skin there and asking permission. You wiggle under his hold, the fingers playing with your shirt ticklish, and give them a nod of confirmation. Wasting no time Bubba wrestles your shirt over your head only to be met with your binder, she gives a less than excited groan at the extra layer, signing “arms up”

You snort in response “yes mother” you reply sarcastically.

An unreadable look passed over his face, devolving into a smug smile.

“Mommy?” They sign out

“Hey, whatever you want, cutie” you joke back, helping them tug your binder off and taking a well needed deep breath. Delighted as always his hands fly straight to your plush stomach, grabbing handfuls in appreciation, fingers trailing along the happy trail peaking from your already damp boxers.

Suddenly hit with an idea, your partner pauses, snapping their head up to meet your questioning eyes.

“Can we try something new please? I have an idea..” she signs out shyly

Never one to turn away from a new experience you agree, nodding and squeezing his hand. You wriggle out of your boxers and throw them to the side, they can wait until later.

“I trust you” you smile back, giving them the go ahead to get started on whatever they’re planning. Humming in agreement he takes himself out of his boxers, already hard and happy to continue.

“Well hello to you to” you giggle, giving them a quick stroke, causing them to groan and buck into your hand. Huffing she readjusts herself, you spread yourself open for him and close your eyes, waiting for the delicious stretch of her inside you, but it never comes.

Slipping open your eyes in confusion you let out a surprised yelp as your boyfriend’s thick cock is slapped onto the plush surface of your stomach.

Bubba pauses for a moment, meeting your eyes as to ask for permission to continue their ministrations.

“Go ahead handsome, I’m happy to see how much you enjoy my body.” You smile back, leaning your weight onto your elbows behind you, keen to enjoy the show.

With one final nod he begins to thrust again, wet cock slipping over your soft tummy. The noises from their mouth are downright sinful, little gasps and moans making you squirm in your spot.

“There’s my good boy, hm? Gonna cum for me?” You lull out, a lazy smile on your face.

Your words of encouragement push them over the edge, with one final moan they release onto your stomach, warm and sticky.

“Fuck, you like it that much baby?” You giggle, petting Bubba’s hair, who’s now collapsed onto your dirty tummy in a panting mess. You receive a muffled groan in response. You’ll take that as a yes.

[deanstead]

Pieces (21): i believe in you

Chapter 21: I believe in you

Chapter Summary: Collectively, Jay and Y/N both take steps forward.

Word Count: 1,686

Warnings: none

A/N: We are heading towards the end already! I feel like the last few chapters mostly are trying to wrap up stuff and included time jumps but I still hope you guys will enjoy it!

SERIES MASTERLIST || JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

“Marry me.”

The words bounced around the apartment and you froze. Now, that you hadn't been expecting. And you didn’t know what to feel right about now. The sense of relief and security that came with knowing that Jay had always planned for and wanted a future with you and Chloe, or the tingle that the word ‘marry’ sent through your body half like a warning signal.

You looked up at Jay, who was sitting next to you, holding both your hands in his, as he looked back at you.

“Jay, I…” You paused.

Jay shifted just a little. “Listen, Y/N. I know maybe it sounds crazy. Trust me, I had a whole idea of how I would do it, about waiting maybe a little longer, about making a big deal out of it and taking you and making it at least twice as romantic as now. But right now, I know this is it. This is the future, our future. It’s you, Chloe and me.”

You took a deep breath.

“It took a long time for me to finally get back on my feet, to slowly put the pieces of mine and Chloe’s life back together again and I stopped believing, Jay. I stopped believing in marriage.”

You paused, as you watched Jay’s face fall, even though you knew he was struggling to keep it straight.

“But I believe in you.” You whispered.

Jay looked up again. “Is that a yes?”

Your smile was all the answer he needed. “Okay, wait. Don’t say anything.” Jay said hurriedly, letting go of your hands and pushing his chair back enough for him to slide onto one knee.

Jay pulled out a ring that he must have had with him this entire time. “Y/N, will you marry me?”

You laughed. “Yes, Jay. I’ll marry you. Probably a good idea to marry this little one’s father too.”

Jay froze. “What?”

“I’ve been freaking out about how to tell you for a week. I didn’t want things to change. I was afraid this might not be what you want, I was afraid that it would push you to move things along when you weren’t ready, I was afraid you’d ask me to marry you just because I’m pregnant.” You were talking so fast, it was like the words were coming out of your mouth in a rush. “But now I know.”

It was true. You could barely stand on your own with just Chloe but you were so afraid that Jay would make decisions based on what he should do, rather than what he truly wanted. But you should really have known better.

The smile that spread across Jay’s face was infectious as he got up, leaning over to pull you into a deep kiss, one of his arms pulling you against him, his other hand gently caressing the side of your face.

“When did you…” Jay asked as he pulled away, the happiness almost flowing out of his entire being, like a radiant light.

You smiled. “I’ll tell you. All of it.”

The next hurdle was trying to explain this whole situation to Chloe.

You’d decided to take things slow so on one of those slow nights when Jay was home, you’d sat Chloe down. “Hey sweetheart, can I talk to you about something?”

Jay turned just a little from where he was in the kitchen but didn’t come out and you sat on the floor next to Chloe.

“I wanted to ask you about Jay.” You said, crossing your legs on the floor.

Chloe looked up from what she had been doing.

“What do you think if we all move in together?” You prompted gently.

Chloe frowned and you felt a momentary worry bubble up in your chest until she spoke. “Jay lives here.”

You bit your lip to stop yourself from laughing aloud. Chloe was right. Jay practically lived here, his bed back at his apartment probably hadn’t been slept in for months.

“Well, yes. But we were thinking of a more permanent place. We’d find a bigger place. If you’re okay with it.”

Chloe turned her head to look at Jay. “Forever?”

You glanced at Jay, who stepped out of the kitchen, hanging the cloth he was using over one of the chairs. “Yeah, you okay with that?” Jay asked Chloe directly, heading towards the both of you and settling himself on the floor next to her.

Chloe turned her head back to look at you. “And he won’t leave? Ever?”

You exhaled slowly. You would never forgive Caleb for doing this to Chloe.

“Never, kiddo. What do you say?”

Chloe broke into a smile. “I love you, Jay.” She announced like an answer, getting up to go give Jay a hug, the unspoken words flowing out from that simple sentence and Jay pulled an arm around her, exchanging a smile with you as you felt the sense of relief flood through you. A conviction that everything was going to be good from now on.

You held off on breaking the news of the pregnancy to Chloe, figuring you’d give her time to get used to a new shift of dynamics. Although maybe she was so used to either waking up to Jay’s breakfast or going to sleep after Jay tucked her in that it just felt like the three of you fell back into a normal routine.

You’d continued the conversation in little short bits, talking to her about the fact that you and Jay were going to get married, and answered her questions. Jay had started apartment hunting which as far as you knew hadn’t been going too well until he told you that he had somewhere to take you and Chloe to that weekend.

It was a nice house, stairs leading up to a nice porch and you figured you were here to see someone although you didn’t understand the mystery. Until Jay opened the door to an empty house.

You glanced at him. “What do you think?”

“What do I… Jay, are you serious?” You asked, stepping inside to a house you’d only dreamed of.

“Not too far Chloe, and be careful.” Jay reminded, as Chloe ran in to explore, only getting a yell of ‘Okay!’ in response.

He turned back towards you and smiled. “I know this guy. So, it’s ours if we want it. I bargained for some time.”

“Can we afford this?” You asked, moving further in.

It wasn’t a huge house, but it would be a nice fit for four, at least. “Don’t get my hopes up otherwise.” You warned with a smile.

Jay smiled back. “I’ll tell him we’ll take it.”

You moved closer to Jay as he enveloped you into a one-armed hug. “Home sweet home.” Jay whispered, pressing a kiss to your temple.

Between preparing for the wedding and moving into your new place, the days melded into weeks and months. Everyone was excited about the wedding and you'd kept the pregnancy as quiet as you could for a while.

But before you knew it, the day was here.

It was supposed to be a small, intimate wedding but what with Intelligence, your friends at Med, and even some of the people from Firehouse 51, it had grown to be just slightly larger than what you’d originally planned for. But it still kind of qualified as the intimate wedding you’d wanted, in a small church with only the people who knew and cared about the both of you.

“It was like a magical power that drew me to you and until this moment I can’t explain it. What I do know is this is what I want - you, me, Chloe.” Jay paused, turning to glance at your daughter sitting next to Will and smiled at her. You knew he was thinking about the little one growing in you now as well, but because you hadn’t had the talk with Chloe he kept it back.

Will lifted Chloe off the chair, nodding at her to join the two of you in the front before Jay continued, looking straight at Chloe. “I will spend the rest of my life loving, protecting and caring for my girls. Forever.”

Chloe smiled, reaching over to hug Jay and you took a deep breath, holding back the tears before you smiled back at Jay.

“I was sure the pieces of my broken heart and life were never going to be put back together again. But you took me anyway, broken pieces and all. You loved us, more than I ever thought possible and you put us back together. I’m much more me when I’m with you, and you are the reason I can feel whole again. I love you.” Your voice was low but it filled the whole church.

The minister smiled. “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

Jay picked Chloe into his arms before he leaned over, his hand gently tracing the line of your jaw and he kissed you, sealing the promise with Chloe squashed between the two of you, her giggles mixing with the cheers that erupted from your friends.

The after party was held at Molly’s, and even while you’d been busy with everyone else coming to congratulate you and Jay, you knew you didn’t have to worry about Chloe. Between Connor and Ethan coming to give you hugs of congratulations, or even Intelligence coming over to tell you that Jay was lucky to have found you, you could hear your daughter’s tinkling laughter resound through the bar.

The whole time, Chloe would be sitting in someone’s arms, throwing her head back to admire the twinkling lights streaking across the ceiling that she was fascinated by. You smiled, sure she felt as loved in this moment as you did. Even when she turned quiet, you’d turned to see her sleeping soundly on Will’s shoulder and Will had nodded at you not to worry. Jay pulled you against him, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I love you.” He whispered.

You entwined your fingers and smiled. “I love you.” You whispered back.

THANK YOU FOR READING!! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS!!

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[all4ston3]

my perfect girl

summary; you’re having a bad body image day, and matt comforts you

cw!!; talk of bad body image, not liking yourself, matt praises you, kissing

774 words, 5 min read time

note!! ;; this might suck so beware,, but i guess i wrote this as a way to comfort myself. im battling with an ed at the moment and my body image has really deteriorated, and i’ve been wanting comfort for a long time, but i have nobody to provide such comfort, especially so intimately. so thank god for writing. if anyone else id struggling with body image, you’re perfect the way you are. i know its cheesy but we’re just human. ur body is so uniquely your own, and that’s what makes it perfect. sorry for getting all sappy but dealing with this type of shit sucks ASS and i hate that other people have to deal with it 2.

————————————————

you were upset with yourself. you were having one of many bad body images days, where you wish you could just change your body to how you see fit. it was late, around 10:24pm. matt was at the south park studios, and you didn’t expect him to come home until around 5 in the morning. he texted you a few times that day, informing you on how “it was just one of those days,” and how they couldn’t come up with any ideas.

you were imperfect. of course you knew everybody was imperfect, but you thought you had too many imperfections. especially compared to your sweet, compassionate, tall, handsome, your perfect boyfriend. you found yourself staring in the bathroom mirror after finishing your night time routine. the longer you stared, the bigger the lump in your throat got.

you didn’t like your body, not one bit. you let the feeling build up, trying to battle it in your head. you burst into tears eventually, still staring into the mirror while feeling your body with your hands, feeling all of those imperfections and thinking of all the things you could do to quickly fix it. how to make yourself more loveable, more desirable for your boyfriend, who you thought deserved better.

you decided to just go to sleep, not wanting to be awake to think about your body anymore. you got comfortable in bed, reaching over and turning the lamp off.

you couldn’t fall asleep, your brain plaguing you with negative thoughts. you cried, constantly wiping your tears and sniffling. your bedroom door opened after 20 minutes and you froze. matt came home early and you hadn’t noticed. you hadn’t heard the front door of your apartment shut. you didn’t want matt to see you crying, quickly wiping your tears off of your face. matt never saw you cry before, you didn’t want this to be the first encounter either.

you felt the side of your bed dip as matt sat down, and a hand caress your side as he sighed, surely exhausted from working. you unintentionally sniffled again, and the hand froze. “y/n? baby? are you okay?” the sweet voice of your boyfriend broke the silence. his voice was a sigh of relief for you, the soft, low voice that you love. you sighed and rolled over to face him, your eyes still puffy from crying.

“oh, my poor baby, what’s the matter?” he was quick to pull you up and to hug you, gently rocking you back and forth. matt knew something was off the moment he entered the bedroom. he felt the negativity radiate off your body and it hurt him. he wanted nothing more than his woman to be happy. “matt, i’m not good enough for you.. you deserve someone prettier than me. you deserve somebody with a perfect body, someone that is perfect in every way. that’s what you deserve.” you spoke into his chest, new tears prickling at your eyes. you loved being held by him, you loved his smell, how secure you felt in his arms.

he immediately pulled you back by your shoulders, the light from the hallway illuminating his face. he looked genuinely offended before scoffing and shaking his head. he was hurt his pretty girl was feeling that way. matt thought you were the most gorgeous, sexy, and lovely girl. you were his charming girl. matt squeezed your shoulders, “what on earth are you talking about, y/n? are you kidding me? when i tell you that i love you, i mean i love every single part of you. from your mind, to your pretty face, your body.. every part. you’re fucking perfect for me. you were born to be with me. it’s okay to be insecure, i am too, but to think you don’t deserve me? that’s fucking outrageous, baby.. your body turns me on so much, to me you have a perfect fucking body.”

you stared at matt. you couldn’t believe this handsome man was saying those things about you. you were absolutely flattered, grabbing his arms so you felt closer to him. he was still rambling on about his love for your beauty, and how he couldn’t imagine a person more perfect than you.

you felt loved. you felt secure. you felt pretty, even. you leaned forward and kissed matt, quick to wrap your arms around his neck. matt grabbed your waist, gently rubbing your sides before hugging you. matt didn’t let you pull away from the kiss for a few minutes. he wanted you to know just how much you meant to him. how pretty you are to him. that you’re perfect.

[girlreviews]

Review #33: Back to Black, Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse, her music and her memory fills me with pain. I remember precisely the moment I found out she had succumbed to her insidious addiction. I was with my Mother, in West London, and we had enjoyed a nice afternoon (which was odd). It was suddenly overshadowed with news of Amy’s death. Every now and again the death of a “celebrity” has some weird intense impact on you. That was Amy for me.

She was a few years older than me and we stumbled around the same haunts in Camden and East London. Everyone had a story about her for better or worse. They knew her or had seen her. We were in the same orbit at the same time and she was an enigma to me. She was the butt of a ton of jokes — Halloween costumes of a pale thin woman with blood coming from her nose and the iconic beehive hair. It is so upsetting to say that this was even before her death. It says a great deal about where we were as a society and culture that a young woman with raw talent, real pain, and surrounded by people who didn’t have her best interests at heart was just commodified and used as comedy fodder. We love to hate women. We love to make it impossible for them to be human and to mercilessly destroy them when they dare to live their struggles openly. I feel so sorry. Not for her, but to her, for the cruelty and callousness she endured, all while she was clearly communicating her pain to us. Like, what the fuck?

There was no music around at the time that was anything like her. Her voice, still present, is like no other. I wonder if we will ever hear a voice like hers again, and songs that bare the soul in such a way. In Back to Black, Amy laments a painful relationship in which she “died a hundred times”. I’m not sure if this is a feeling that is relatable for most, or whether it’s somewhat unique to people who have had lived particular experiences. I just know that I’ve been there. I don’t know how many times a painful relationship has made me feel this way. I just know it’s too many. I sometimes don’t know how anybody gets through this life and keeps it together. The people who don’t are the ones who are honest and vulnerable, and we treat them like shit.

I can’t quite figure how that was how it went. So clearly a sensitive soul overwhelmed by a talent and voice that was bigger than her increasingly tiny frame. How could we hear these words (Love Is A Losing Game) and not show some empathy?

“Though I battle blind

Love is a fate resigned

Memories mar my mind

Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds

And laughed at by the gods

And now, the final frame

Love is a losing game”

This album was written by a woman who was not yet even 28, and when you listen to it, nearly 20 years later, that’s absolutely mind blowing. Even just the title of My Tears Dry On Their Own always knocked me off my feet. She felt alone in her pain. I always loved that song. It’s genius in being so sad and full of heartbreak but accompanied by big band bombasticness and a bouncy tempo:

“I cannot play myself again

I should just be my own best friend

Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men

He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day, but I am grown

And in your way

My blue shade

My tears dry on their own”

Fucking poetry. This woman wore her heart on her sleeve and told us all exactly how she felt and was still reduced to tabloid frenzied content. I don’t know man, it distressed me then and I feel no differently now. I feel it even more if anything. It leaves me feeling hopeless about humanity — and there are plenty of objectively more important things to feel hopeless about in the present day. I don’t even know how to work through that.

It took fucking balls and courage to share the songs she shared with us, and it’s no surprise she was shat on. She had the audacity to pen Addiction, a song about needing weed more than the love of a man:

“I'm my own man

So when will you learn

That you got a man but I gots to burn?

Don't make no difference if I end up alone

I'd rather have myself and smoke my home grown

Oh, it's got me addicted

Does more than any dick did”

She was her own man too. And still had the space to try to love. Ugh. In Cupid, she lays it all out, yet again:

“I don't want to bother you but I'm in distress

There's danger of me losing all my happiness

I love a man who doesn't know I exist

And this you can fix”

No comment.

These reviews are unimportant and read by few, but I do feel weirdly personal about this album and about Amy Winehouse. She deserved better and I despair at the reality of her short life. Things could have been different for her. Even in death her memory is manipulated and peddled for profit. Let the god damn woman rest. Leave her alone. Let her songs be her memory and nothing else. Fuck these clowns, especially the clown that is her father. Fuck him, fuck tabloid papers and the motherfuckers who run them, and fuck anyone who dared to diminish such beauty and talent so brazenly.

If it needs to be said: a PSA that a great deal of posthumous Amy content — including the upcoming biopic — are money grabs that dishonor a real persons life, memory, and legacy. Retelling a story that frankly isn’t theirs to tell and with shitty motives. Anyone that really cared for her wants nothing to do with it, and that tells you everything you need to know. If you wish to get to know Amy Winehouse, listen to her songs. I yield my time.

[growsagain]

how in the blood hell don’t you get massive belly aches when you gain? i am also currently trying to gain but my belly is sensitive and i usually can’t stuff myself too much before i’m bed ridden with an awful tummy ache.. colour me jealous. any gaining tips?

If stuffing makes you feel bad, please stop stuffing!!! You don’t actually *need* to stuff to gain, and everyone is different, both in terms of how our bodies cope with food/weight changes and in terms of what we enjoy about our shared kinks, so for you the answer might just be to do things a different way 😊

For example, for some people trying to stuff beyond limits is a way to end up with a desired tummyache! For others, pain and discomfort are a no-go because gaining is more about comfort and cosiness.

In the past I tried to do it other gainers’ ways and thought I had to stuff etc because that tends to be more popular in general. I never enjoyed that. In fact, I don’t usually like eating lots of the same food in one go, I need variety or I get bored of the taste (but i’m autistic so I have a LOT of specific food requirements, aversions and obsessions, and things can certainly go one way or the other because I happily ate 6 lasagnes on Saturday 😂) and I also find that I prefer eating lots of good meals in a day rather than having big blowouts. And for me that’s been the secret to my recent big gains. (Yeah, un-sexy secret, I really don’t like stuffing that much!)

If stuffing itself is something you do enjoy there are certainly ways to mitigate the unpleasant effects, there certain medications for dealing with the effects of overeating, rubs can help, even heat pads or hot water bottles.

Either way, I would recommend taking a break from outright stuffing to increase your capacity slowly over the course of a couple of weeks to a month and give your stomach a rest from being overworked! Take it slowly, slightly bigger portions every couple of days, an extra snack etc. Also swapping out certain foods for higher-calorie alternatives really helps. When I was obsessed with my homemade cakes I switched from cooking with margarine to butter and now only wee they a LOT more fattening but they tasted INCREDIBLE so it was easier to eat more of them!

I think most of us who are gaining or who have tried at some point have our own struggles. My recent additional health issues have obviously made everything to do with my work, gaining and even just eating itself more complicated, stressful, painful and hard in many, many ways but it *has* shown me the best way to gain personally and made me more honest about what I like and dislike. Maybe through looking at the way you take in your daily calories will open up new gaining door for you rather than closing them? You might even find yourself enjoying food more that way or being able to take in more calories over all!

Gaining has been an incredible journey for me and it’s taken me 10 years to get here so the other piece of advice I’d like to give you is to never fall into the trap of comparing your gains to anyone else’s - it takes so much of the fun out of what *you* have achieved that way, and you should be proud of every pound you gain! We don’t all run at the same pace and some of us will take longer to pass the finishing line but every step we take towards it is still a step closer than yesterday. Embrace them all, enjoy the journey and enjoy your food 🥰

[booklovingturtle]

Season 2 Thoughts (SPOILERS)

I’ll be breaking this down based on characters/ships so I wanna know if y’all have similar opinions or not!!! I want to hear different perspectives since I feel like we’re headed in a million different directions.

*Disclaimer these are my opinions on the show as an adaptation. Please disagree with me that's fine I want to hear other people's takes!

Part A: The Darkling, Alina, Mal, Malina

Darkling: Ben Barnes did fabulous of course. I have almost nothing negative to say about his character or his ending. My biggest critique was that they rushed to get him dead to the point where we wasted the potential of a bigger, power struggle within Ravka between the grisha/humans. Similar to the first season I wish that there was less of a romantic undertone to his motivation in regards to Alina. He’s a more compelling villain if he’s truly just power-hungry and driven mad by his own desire. I wish that his moment of peace wasn’t the case with her, but instead had something to do with his actual motivation for saving and protecting Grisha

Alina: Jessie is a phenomenal actress. Every single emotion felt so genuine. Similar to the books, I was kind of annoyed with Alina’s inability to make actual decisions. In the books, I felt like she only ever acted when she quite literally was backed into a corner, and it was pretty much the same way in season 1 & most of 2. I’m super upset that we never got white hair Alina honestly that was such a bad decision, not story wise, but fandom wise. I’m not sure how I feel about this new direction that we’re taking it. One of the plot points in the books was whether or not Alina would answer the call to darkness. This entire season I was annoyed with how selfish she was being with Mal. so many people died, because she didn’t wanna kill him which I understand but then she continues to be selfish by using the dark magic thing to bring him back and so in my opinion, my girl was always listening to that dark call, but maybe that was their intention! All I know is that if Alina does become antagonistic (even if it’s just for a limited time), Jessie will play her just as a effortlessly as she did in the past. LOVE JESSIE. Alina’s character arc was still something that was kind of being pushed onto her versus something that she was actively choosing. I’m most interested to hear other peoples opinions about her character specifically.

Mal: I actually really like the changes they made to Mal. I truly don’t remember the book version of him at all. Not his lore or connection to Alina or his tracking secret power  or anything. I like that he’s taking on the Sturmhond name. That was a very natural next step for his character arc.

Malina: I still like them better in the show than the books. Unfortunately for the most part Mal/Alina have no motivation in this season outside of each other. Which honestly wouldn’t be that big of a deal if they weren’t trying to push the idea that Alina was also a benevolent, reluctant chosen one. Even though I ship them, I’m actually really glad that they will be separated moving forward. I hope that we get to explore them as individuals. The characters should get to find motivations outside of each other that are genuine, and not for the sake of plot convenience.

[daisychainsandbowties]

I'm sorry if my question made you feel that way, it wasn't my intention.

you know i never mind talking about why i find certain character dynamics compelling or interesting!!

and much is lost in translation when the anon sunglasses emoji comes into play but um, i think my feelings this time come from just having seen a… disheartening degree of negativity around what is a brand new thing, something we don’t have all the material for yet - and in any case a pairing between two characters i have love for individually and not simply through my shipping goggles (sexy as i know i look in those).

and there’s a reason i made a separate post instead of answering an anon - because i was just made aware of a feeling i’ve had forever about sapphic ships. i tell everybody how i didn’t believe avatrice would happen until they literally kissed in front of me (and yes, that’s very beatrice of me 😂). live slug reaction was me crying for an hour and yes that’s funny and YES, it makes me sad.

because it’s still so astonishing to me, and part of queer survival has (sadly) always been a matter of separating that hope from how i engage in things like shipping.

i’m very fascinated by shipping actually from a technical perspective! (i write at doctoral level about T4T and touch a great deal on this form of queer community, knowing that it helped me to survive when i should have been squashed by the machine that seeks to kill things like me before we get to be adults)

i don’t mind talking about why a ship just works for me; not many things can make me pick up my pen (if not for avatrice i wouldn’t be sharing my writing on here at all, and indeed i would be writing a lot less if not for the wonderful people who actually read it 🥰🥰) and so i usually have things galore to say about characters and why they work for me, but i like to discuss things in what i call “good faith” and that usually means that i don’t answer things that i feel i could respond to rudely or in a way that’s hurtful.

simply put it’s not what this is to me. um, not to drag out that Malatino quote again but i’m gonna because it’s everything

(Hil Malatino. “Future Fatigue.” Transgender Studies Quarterly, pp. 656.)

so, yeah! it’s all about witnessing, being with my friends not in a manner that precludes the acknowledgment of difficulty but one that is, at least, centred around love, seeing and being seen. i know it’s hard to express tone in that grey anon box, but in a sense it’s an old hurt to me; most of my work in fandom turning into justifying the fact of “making them kiss”. having to defend it like a position in chess, over and over again.

the reason i made a separate post was just to acknowledge to myself that i felt sad about it and weighted down by a lifetime of feeling invisible, having my hopes belittled and i suppose some of that hope (certainly as a teenager) being distilled into silly fandom ships but always having to say “this is a crack ship” or “lol i know the creators either hold me in contempt or simply don’t see my existence as important… but!”

it’s not your fault, and as always with humans we sometimes just encounter people at the moment something tips them over into an emotion we don’t deserve to be met with. that’s why i would never angrily answer an anon (certainty not one that, more than anything, i was struggling to read the tone of), because the issue is much bigger than me or one instance but it just made me think and then… feel sad about larger trends and how those trends made me feel so small when i was younger. so invisible.

i don’t want anyone to feel like it’s their fault because it’s not!! it’s the line we push and push and push in queer solidarity and yeah it can seem like these things (shipping) are inherently stupid and petty and unimportant but speaking for the kids who are alive because of it i don’t think that’s true. i agree with realism, and i think when it comes to canon we sadly still need to proceed with caution. more and more it seems like you can have your show, or you can have canon sapphic ships (this term - sapphic - used as always and forever in a trans-inclusive sense).

this is as usual a lengthy way of saying that (i hope) i went out of my way not to put this on anyone. it’s just a thing that makes me sad to reflect on as the flinching of a lifetime, so afraid to hold what i love and to talk about it because that hope is seen as pointless. but what’s the star wars rogue one quote again?

rebellions are built on hope 💖💖

[iamfruitie]

Dark has an unexpected rut and Anti takes care of it-

Dark was going about his usual evening routine, which was work. He signed paper after paper, reading, rereading, proofreading, and ensuring everything was how it should be. His job was to have everything organized perfectly. To have everything in line so there was no harm. No one got hurt if everything got planned to the second. But the more time went on, the more he struggled to focus. 

A warmth slowly started to build in the pit of his stomach, it was easy to ignore as he focused, but it grew and grew, and soon Dark could feel some sweat dripping down his back. He bit the inside of his cheek as it finally clicked what was happening to him. His rut wasn’t due for a month but kicked in early for some reason. 

“Damn it,” Dark grunted, leaning back in his chair and covering his face with his hands. There was still so much to do. He didn’t have time to deal with this. 

“Hey, Darky!” Anti greeted loudly as he casually strolled into the office. 

“Go.” Dark tried to hold back his growl, praying that the scent of an omega wouldn’t drive him too crazy. 

“You good there? You-” Anti paused when Dark’s scent hit him. “Are you in a rut?” 

“Go.” Dark couldn’t stop his growl this time, placing his hands on the edge of the desk and gripping hard enough to make his knuckles white. Hopefully, he didn’t break his desk. 

“I can help, you know.” Anti offered, locking the door behind him before heading closer to Dark. 

“I will not risk-”

“I’m on the pill, dumbass.” 

“I wasn’t-”

“Sure.” Anti cut Dark off again and was now right next to him. “But, as I was saying, let me help you.” He placed a hand on the back of Dark’s neck and watched as that got the other to shiver. 

“I don’t need help.” Dark pushed away from the desk and tried to stand, but Anti slipped to the front of him and pushed him back into his seat with both hands on his shoulders. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dark. You’d rather groan and moan and suffer for a whole week than fuck me for a day or two?” Anti wasn’t shocked when Dark’s hands went to his hips, holding him firmly. 

“Why would you want to help me like that?” Dark asked, his pupils wide with a lust he was still trying to deny and ignore. But Anti could smell the arousal, and a glance down at Dark’s obvious erection showed that being around was adding to it. 

“One reason is that you being a mess is annoying. Another is that you being out for a whole week involves being bored since there will be no work. And finally, I’ve wanted to have sex with you for a long time.” Anti grinned widely at the last part. “I want you to fuck me brainless~” He softly giggled and ran his hands down to Dark’s chest. Anti licked the corner of his lips, seeing how Dark’s breathing seemed to get just a bit faster, and he could feel that hold on his hips getting tighter. He wasn’t lying. He’s fantasized about getting Dark in his bed, and with how Dark was reacting to him, he wasn’t the only one who’s had those kinds of dirty, dirty thoughts. 

“I don’t know,” Dark said after several long moments of silence. Anti couldn’t blame Dark for being hesitant. He was always a prideful man. A little help, some guidance, would likely help. 

“How about I go down on my knees and at least give you some relief with my mouth?” Anti offered, already lowering himself, and Dark let him go to do so. “You can always tell me to stop at any time.” He added as he went ahead with undoing Dark’s pants. 

“Alright.” Dark caved much easier than Anti expected, but if ruts were like heats, any help felt like heaven. It made Anti wonder if Dark’s ever had help with this. Ever since he’s known him, he just disappeared during that time. He was very close to Wilford. Maybe he got some aid from him? Anti let those thoughts fade as he found himself with Dark’s pants and boxers halfway down his thighs and his very hard cock in his hand. 

“It’s even bigger than I thought it’d be~” Anti winked up at Dark, trying to break some of the tension. 

“Anti.” Dark’s voice was hard to read. It was either a desperate plead or a grunt of irritation. Likely both, and that’s how Anti decided to interpret it. 

“Fine, fine. I’ll get to it.” Anti clicked his tongue before taking just a second to wet his mouth and then popping the head of Dark’s cock into it. He immediately felt the warmth hit his tongue, and the taste was sweeter than expected.

“Fuck~” Dark groaned, putting a hand on Anti’s head and running it through his hair. Anti hummed at the approval and slowly bobbed his head, keeping a hand wrapped around the base and moving it to match his mouth. “Holy shit.” Another curse came out, and Dark lightly gripped Anti’s hair. 

Anti didn’t know a lot about Dark’s sexual go-to's or how he liked every little thing, but he did know that he’d be sensitive as hell in his rut and could easily make him cum quickly. That became his goal after letting himself adjust to Dark’s size, and he began moving his head faster. His hair got tugged on in reaction, and Anti rolled his tongue around the tip every time he reached the top. That got another tug on his hair. 

“Anti, fucking-ah~” Dark urged Anti to go faster, and Anti was more than willing to oblige. Anti could also feel the base beginning to swell, and he squeezed the spot, earning a low moan from Dark. Anti kept that pressure the best he could as the knot continued to form, and he wasn’t shocked that it was only a few more moments before Dark yanked his head away and was moaning again, cumming on Anti’s face. 

“Someone likes it messy~” Anti giggled, licking away what he could get to with just his tongue. Dark was lightly panting, looking down at him with a darker shade on his cheeks. He took his hand off Anti’s head and stretched over him, opening a drawer to his desk and pulling out a tissue. Dark stayed silent as he cleaned off Anti’s face with it. “So? How are we feeling? Want me to leave? I can-” Anti didn’t finish before Dark yanked him up and kissed him. His hands squeezed Anti’s ass, and could feel a hint of slick soaking through his pants from getting himself worked up from the blowjob. 

“You said you wanted me to fuck you brainless. I’ll gladly do that.” Dark growled into Anti’s ear. “I hope your schedule is clear for the next few days.” 

“It was, but I think someone’s going to fill it up~” Anti rolled his hips down, feeling that Dark was already getting hard again. He loved an alpha in their rut since they could and would keep going and going, and…Anti gasped when Dark bucked against him and dug his fingers in. 

“Let’s get to it them.” 

[queerprayers]

I’m struggling with my faith right now for like.. ideological, ethical reasons. Even though I know loving Jesus=/=cosigning everything my fellow christians do its just been rough. I havent prayed in some time, theres this distance thats awkward to make steps to mend. I miss that feeling I had before when I was super certain of my faith, its hard to rebuild it.. I’d like it if you pray for me, cuz I feel like you’d get where I’m coming from

I do get where you're coming from, beloved. You've been in my prayers. I'm so sorry it's been so long.

It's understandable and even necessary to be cautious of what other Christians do and believe, it always has been. There will always be people who abuse in the name of religion, and with ideas as big and diverse as the ones Christianity has, there will always be some who hold harmful ones. I commend you for thinking and dealing with these issues--it is much better to struggle on this subject than to ignore it.

There is no perfect community. Any communal belief or action with our fellow humans can and will result in harm. Any political group, or organization, or even book club, has the capacity for conflict and harm. The bigger a community or set of beliefs is, the more capacity for harm. We cannot let this prevent us from living in community with each other, though. We cannot hold out for the perfect group of people--there isn't one. We also have to be careful of the urge to leave everything and create our own community. "Well, my local communist group has some problematic people in it so I'm gonna start my own." "Someone in my religion is racist, so I'm gonna start my own." This isn't how we build community. It can be necessary, but it should not be our first choice.

Everyone has a line with this. Everyone has to investigate current harm and problematic people/organizations and past mistakes and make our own decisions. There are bigoted people who attend my church: for some people, this would be reason enough to leave, I know that. And someday I probably will--I do hope to attend a more affirming church in the future. But what do I do with the community I've been given while I'm a part of it? I extend a welcome to broken, flawed people, and try to help them heal. This is my choice, and not one anyone should be forced into, but I do believe it's my duty.

You have to find your line. You have to decide what communities are worth trying to change, and which should be abandoned. You have to find the courage to leave, or the courage to stay--both are hard.

Re: your other point: rebuilding a relationship with faith is complicated. I would urge you to remember a few things. I completely understand missing what you had, but you don't have to get back there. You might not be able to. You will hopefully regain some of things you had, but you'll also probably end up somewhere completely different. You had that certainty, and now you have this struggle, and wherever you'll be next, you'll bring all these things with you. Don't be discouraged if your faith doesn't look it did before. It doesn't have to and maybe it shouldn't. Grow past this struggle, don't go back to before you struggled. Don't pretend you didn't experience this. This matters, as much as it hurts. Don't rebuild exactly what you had, because it's probably not where you will flourish now. Build something bigger, something more able to handle this struggle. If our faith falls apart (which is natural and even necessary), it means we need something. If we keep rebuilding the same thing over and over, we shouldn't be surprised that it isn't strong enough. Even if it was right for us at one point, it isn't anymore.

An awkward distance from God is so real. It's like ghosting a friend: is it weird to respond to this text four months later? It's also like me with my inbox: well, this ask wishing me a happy Ascension week is still unanswered. What do I do now? The answer, in both cases, is: yeah, it might be weird, but reaching out is the right thing to do. If you haven't prayed in ages, it can be scary, and it feels like there's no way to bridge that gap. I have some good (and also maybe scary) news, though: you are the same distance from God as you've always been. Sometimes I use the language of being closer to/farther away from God, but what I think I mean is, how aware we are of God, and how close to God's will for us are we. Because the truth is, we can't run away from God. There is no distance. God is in us, around us, with us. I believe you--you feel an awkward distance, and you can't feel God with you. But God doesn't feel that. Unlike the friends I ghost, God doesn't feel a distance, or awkwardness. They miss talking with you, but They're right there. You just have to say hi (if you'll forgive the informality of that advice).

Anyway, this may be a bit much for one prayer request, I think. But my point is: where you are is familiar to me, and so I know you can move on from it. God is there, exactly where They were when you felt close to Them. Here's my prayer for you:

God, keep this person close. Help them feel your presence; bring them back to you. Hear their prayers, even if they're awkward or distant or halting. Grant them the patience and forgiveness to be part of community. Give us all the courage to repent of our religion's sins, and the ability to do the work of reconciliation and rebuilding. Amen.

<3 Johanna

P.S. If you need a place to start, go to the Psalms. They've always been there for me. They've got a particular desperation to some of them that I'm partial to.

[ethan-is-silly]

This is my first ever fic since like 2017, soo… Also, spoilers for act 2.

This is my OC x Reader. Ezmil is The Dark Urge in this and its based on that scene that happens if you don’t kill Isobel.

The first thing you felt was a large, clammy hand pushing at you. It wasn’t hard enough to seem harmful, but it pushed more pressure and urgency.

“Please get up, please,” it was Ezmil. Ezmil was one of the first people you had picked up in your little ragtag group of people, along with Shadowheart. You almost always had the paladin in your party, as he was good at dealing with enemies. Two black horns curled around his ears, two black centipede tattoos dipped along the side of his face. Brown eyes were filled with urgency as they stared down at you.

“What's happening? Are you okay- what-,” you questioned. The shadow-cursed lands were always cold, but the shiver that ran up your spine was from something else. The look in his eyes was different, Ezmil’s pupils were small and sharp.

“No time. I-, I’m gonna hurt the person I love most. Something with urges.” The tiefling said in a quick breath, his clawed hands were digging into the dirt below. Ezmil was considerably bigger than most, standing at 6’4 and being built stocky. It was almost humorous to see a big man practically shivering with fear if it wasn’t him.

The thought was cute, but you had to steel your mind. You had to help him. You immediately began to ruffle through your pack for something to help,… rope.

You ripped out the coarse material, not caring about the things that fell out of the bag in the process, that could wait.

When you turned back, Ezmil was on the floor. You didn’t think as you tied the rope together, binding his wrists and ankles. You could only hope that it would hold him.

The next time Ezmil woke, it was with a growl. You instantly sat up, hand on your weapon. You didn’t want to harm him, but if it came to it…

You watched as he squirmed against the restraints, snapping his jaws at you and sharp teeth trying to nick you.

“C’mon Ezmil, power through this shit,” you said to yourself mainly but hoped it would reach him.

Another growl fell from the tiefling’s lips, wrists turning red as he struggled against the rope. What was this? You had seen the way he looked the morning when you found poor Alfira dead. You had seen the way he had to back away from Isobel and claw his arm to restrain himself. You had vowed to help him get away from whatever this was.

A few of the others had begun to stir. Ezmil was shaking completely now, but his teeth were still bared. You barely had time to react as he passed out again.

The night passed with an air of suspense, you kept anticipating him to rip off the bindings and rip you apart right then and there. But it never came.

With a jolt, Ezmil opened his eyes. Ezmil’s pupils were now dilated and seemingly normal. You weren’t 100% sure though. You tested the waters.

“Ezmil? You back?” Your voice trembled more than you would’ve liked, but the words carried over. Ezmil reacted instantly, head snapping to you and he sucked in a shaky breath.

“I, I think so.” Ezmil sounded worse than you, his voice raspy and low. Ezmil’s eyes wouldn’t meet yours though.

After doing a little run-over, making sure he was fully back, you cut off the bindings. You kind of just stared at him. You prided yourself in being a nonjudgmental person, but he had almost killed you. It began to dawn on you how close of a line you were dancing, Ezmil could easily murder everyone in camp at night. That nauseating feeling was forming in the pit of your stomach.

But it looked like Ezmil took it harder than you. Fat tears were beginning to creep down his pale, freckled, cheeks. He had moved away from you slightly, but he didn’t dare get up.

You felt like you should comfort him, but you didn’t feel forced. You couldn’t bring yourself to a decision before he had practically run off into the woods. Worry filled your stomach as you peered over at his halberd lying on the ground, he had no weapon. Sure everyone had received Selûne’s blessing from Isobel and Thaniel had been freed, but the shadows still lurked.

After a moment, you got to your feet. Grabbing your weapon, you followed Ezmil.

As you followed the footprints, your mind wandered to his words. ‘The person I love most.’ The words ran rampant in your head. You hadn’t necessarily devoted yourself to anyone in particular. You had slept with Ezmil at the Tiefling party, although neither of you had sex. It was just more of a calm night of banter and wine.

You found him sitting on a stone, overlooking the dark water.

“I'm sorry.” He spoke before you could, but he wouldn’t look at you still.

It took a moment for you to think of what to say. He was about to kill you, but he didn’t want to, but he was going to, but-… shit. You spoke before you could make up your mind.

“I know. It’s-… It’s not your fault.” You spoke, words softly spilling from your lips. It was so much more complex, and blaming him for something he couldn’t necessarily help wouldn’t be good, but you couldn’t baby him.

Big brown eyes drifted over to you and he sighed.

“I think I should leave.” The words were quiet enough but loud enough for you to hear the Oathbreaker’s words.

It felt so overwhelming. As much as being the leader of the camp was nice, it was stressful. You knew that you would have to deal with this as camp with everyone else because it wasn’t a secret.

You remembered how excited Ezmil was to have Alfira in camp, smiling with those sharp teeth when she suggested staying with your party. You remembered the scared look in Ezmil’s eyes when everyone woke up that faithful morning. He didn’t try and hide Alfira’s body, and he said it was probably him. There had been a few of your companions that suggested that you kick him out, and you thought about it for a second. But, the look of pure guilt in his eyes made you rethink. How would it be if it were you? How would you feel if you couldn’t control how you reacted to such things?

Now you have to make a decision. You couldn’t be too sweet, but you weren’t about to scream at him.

“… I-,” you dared not look up at his eyes, because they might break your heart, “I need to talk with the others at camp, and we’ll go from there.” You said, and you were proud of how your tone came out.

“I understand,” Ezmil mumbled, and he got up and was ready to follow.

You were anxious to see how it would go. Ezmil had built up a pretty good relationship with everyone, almost everyone smiled when they saw the himbo of a tiefling coming to talk.

After gathering up everyone, you laid out what had happened. Your eyes always drifted over to Ezmil, cautiously and in care.

Lae’zel was the first to speak. “I say we allow him to stay. He has shown great restraint.” She turned to speak directly to Ezmil. “Control your urges before they control you.”

Ezmil nodded, eyes wide as he kept popping his fingers and messing with his clothes.

Wyll and Karlach next, but Wyll spoke first. “We need to find out what this is and we can get you help.” Karlach had walked right over to Ezmil and was hugging him, speaking in infernal. “Xe clas, xe clas. Iz’w qalli ky acih. Wy’dd oryy haf orap zmuw, xe erapuwy.”

Ezmil was quick to wrap back around Karlach and damn near cried in her arms.

Gale and Astarion both agreed with what Lae’zel and Wyll had said before and kinda just stood there. Gale more nervously, while Astarion was slightly amused.

Halsin spoke last. “I know not what plagues you, my friend. But, I trust that you will continue to control yourself and we can help you.”

It went better than expected, and everyone went back to their tents, although with more caution. Leaving you and Ezmil alone.

Ezmil spoke, “Thank you. Thank you. I’m so sorry about everything, and-, I just,” he fumbled with words for a moment before sighing. “I'm sorry if I came on strong when I woke you up and I told you it was the person I love most. I completely understand if you don’t like me that way or you despise me, I won’t blame you or anything-“

You were quick to hush him, a hand over his mouth.

“Ezmil. I don’t hate you, no one here does.” You spoke with a purpose. “And,… I think I like you as well.”

You removed your hand, nothing was on your hand but you still wiped it on your pant leg. Ezmil stared at you and a stupid smile was forming on his lips.

“Thank you… could I sleep with you tonight?” Ezmil asked, too lost in his happiness to realize his words.

You snorted a laugh but nodded. “Yeah, just don’t try and murder me this time.” Perhaps that wasn’t the best choice of words as you watched his face fall. “Sorry, too soon?”

Ezmil laughed, “S’ okay. Your tent or mine?” Ezmil asked.

You shrugged but you began walking to your tent, and Ezmil followed intently. You moved some things and made some room for him to lie down easier.

Before you knew it, you were both cuddling. Ezmil had his arms wrapped around you and his face in your neck. And you didn’t mind, he was warm but not sweaty. His horns weren’t too bad either, they were cool on your cheek but weren’t poking you.

Whatever came in the morning would come.

[mason-ajar]

Opinion/hcs for the idea that Swordflames (Xander, Yugo, Ukyo, and Quon) are in a polyam relationship?

i am very sorry for the long wait 😵‍💫 i just struggled to bring all my silly little thoughts together

here r just a bunch of random drabbles i have accumulated abt them over the past two weeks! may be ooc and cringe, but if you have been following my blog it’s kinda warranted by now.

fellow swordflames enjoyers pls add onto this if you’d like 🫶🫶🫶

- because my little brainworms said so xhaka and quon were already in a relationship beforehand! i do in fact make the rules.

- when quon does come back, ukyo has to deal with feelings of resentment before anything else. i feel like ukyo would struggle with thoughts of feeling inadequate in their relationship, simply because they met after the other three, and she’d absolutely not verbalize those emotions at all. communication is something that i think he’d struggle with.

- hm my thoughts r that xhaka’s the one that officiates their relationship. he notices how (despite all the scaring) quon and ukyo hit it off pretty well after ukyo resolves his resentment, and it’s hard to ignore yugo’s little puppy crush(es)

- ukyo’s main love language is physical touch: they love hugs, running their fingers through their partners hair, holding hands- u name it! and of course scaring the living daylights out of his partners.

- but im kinda stuck on what the others love languages would be lol.

- when quon comes back to the dojo, he isn’t accustomed to the specialized training regimen anymore. what i’m saying is that he spars with yugo and absolutely eats shit.

- i’m unsure if ukyo and yugo live full time at the dojo, but because i don’t care enough to look back i am simply going to believe it’s canon!

- even before they get together, they are always having silly little impromptu sleepovers; they definitely crash in xhakas room.

- when quon comes back they just have to get a whole new bigger bed bc they just couldn’t all fit comfortably on xhakas anymore 😭

- big spoon ukyo little spoon xhaka LMAOO they make it work.

- QUON AND UKYO MATCHING EARRINGS 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

- okok i really wish i could give you more substantial thoughts, but literally all there is in my mind is domestic fluff. i am just thinking abt them going on dates and their silly day to day shenanigans. like laundry, or their morning routine; them getting ready for the morning, cramming into the bathroom and smiling at each other in the mirror as they brush their teeth. them heading out to start practice and spar; ukyo’s on a winning streak until xhaka wants to spar with her, effectively breaking that streak. on slow days at the dojo they decide to end practice early and head to town even if just to walk or fuck around in a convenience store and eat snacks in the parking lot. or maybe they head down to the skate park and quon teaches the others how to skate, with ukyo, the ever-so graceful, struggling to stay balanced on a skateboard. yugo makes fun of him, but is still conveniently right behind for supposedly no reason. xhaka surprisingly picks it up best out of the three, and quon excitedly talks about how he should get his own board. they decide to go home before it’s too dark to safely climb the mountain, throwing their shoes off and immediately crashing once they get in xhakas room.

- sorry woah what just happened i just blacked out and there was a whole paragraph sitting in front of me

- segway into more fluff

- xhaka getting up earlier than the other 3 to make them a nice breakfast.

- yugo being awkward abt giving affection, but still finding other ways to be there for his partners. specifically i think he’d be a really good listener. sometimes he leaves notes in places he knows his partners will see. he doesn’t sign them, no one brings them up, but everyone knows who wrote them.

- also yugo watching youtube tutorials just so he can do ukyos hair in the morning..

- yugo trying to keep up a stoic appearance, but xhaka makes him laugh one day and he swears his heart skips a beat.

- quon seeing something that reminds him of his partners and buying it for them 😓😓 i am such a sucker for the “this reminded me of you.”

- xhaka having cute nicknames for them on his phone

- idk man something about yugo and quon just laying in bed and talking to each other. they r stuck in my brain.

- xhaka taking ukyos hands. no reason in particular, he just knows she’d would probably appreciate it. ukyo does, in fact appreciate it.

- quon and xhaka training some rookies, standing on opposite sides of the training room, smiling at each other.

ok thats it for now LOL i think they’re silly