#i fucking HATE my brain when i dont have medicine

[kyurilin]

"plan ahead for a healthy and happy holiday" YES THANK YOU CVS I TRIED TO PLAN AHEAD BUT YOU DROPPED THE BALL ON REFILLING MY ADHD MEDS FOR THE THIRD TIME IN 2023 and frankly if they fuck me over again on today the 29th when they've told me since the 18th that it will be ready i will be punching a pharmacist for flat out lying :)

[dhampir-dyke]

vent, suicide ment in tags. I'm safe rn I'm just in a bad mental place rn because of a conversation with my parents.

[transmutationisms]

serious question but do you personally believe there is a way to approach psychiatry in a way that uplifts and upholds patient autonomy and wellness or is the entire trade essentially fucked haha. Btw this is an ask coming from a 3rd year med student—with a background of severe mental illness—who is considering a residency in psychiatry after receiving life-saving care in high school pertaining to said conditions. (I have peers who have been involuntarily hospitalized and treated horribly in psych wards, with approaches i patently disagree with, but was lucky not to experience. I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework. I also def agree with you that so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized—a great example being the whole “chemical imbalances in the brain is the ONLY reason why im like this” argument that ive unfortunately fallen hard for when i was younger and am still currently dismantling within myself…and like dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc). Like i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people—a lot of whom are just like me—but im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system, in ur opinion… ngghhhhhh i just want to be a good doctor to my patients…

(ps i love all ur writing and analysis on succession!! big fan mwah <333)

i don't mean to sound unduly pissy at you, specifically, but i do have to say: every single time i've talked about antipsych or broader criticism of medicine on this website, i immediately get a wave of responses like this, from doctors/nurses/psychs/students of the above, asking me to, like, reassure them that they're not doing something immoral or un-communist or whatever by having or pursuing these jobs. and it's honestly frustrating. why is it that these conversations get re-framed around this particular line of inquiry and medical ego-soothing? why is it that when i say "the medical encounter is not structured to protect patient autonomy or well-being," so many people hear something more along the lines of "doctors are mean and i wish they were nicer"? why is it that it's impossible to discuss the philosophical and structural violence of academic and clinical medicine without it becoming a referendum on the individual morality of doctors?

i'm choosing to read you in good faith because i think it's possible to re-re-frame this line of questioning to demonstrate to you the sorts of critiques and inquiries i find more interesting and more conducive to patient autonomy and liberation. so, let me pick apart a few lines of this ask.

"is the entire trade essentially fucked?"

if you're thinking of trying to 'reform' the project of medical psychology within existing infrastructures and institutions, then yeah, it's fucked. if you're still assuming that affective distress can only be 'treated' within this medical apparatus (despite, again, no psychiatric dx satisfying any pathologist's understanding of a 'disease' ie an aberration from 'normal' physiological functioning) then you're not challenging the things that actually make psychiatry violent. you're simply fantasising about making the violence nicer.

"I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework."

i hate when i talk about psychotropic drugs being marketed to patients using lies like the chemical imbalance myth, and then pushed on patients—including through outright force—by psychiatrists, and the discussion gets re-framed as one about 'overprescribing'. my problem is not with people taking drugs. i am, in fact, so pro-drugs that i think even the ones administered in a clinical setting sometimes have value. my issue is with, again, the provision of misleading or outright false information, the use of force and coercion to put patients on such drugs in order to force social conformity and employability, and the general model of medicine and medical psychology that assumes patients ought to be passive recipients of medical enlightenment rather than active participants in their own treatment who are given the agency to decide when and how to engage with any form of curative or meliorative intervention.

'holistic' medicine and psychiatry do not solve this problem! they are not a paradigm shift because they continue to locate expertise and epistemological authority with the credentialed physician, and to position patients as too sick, stupid, or helpless to do anything but receive and comply with the medical interventions. there are certainly psychotropic drugs that are demonstrably more harmful than others (antipsychotics, for example), and some that are demonstrably prescribed to patients who do not benefit from them and are even harmed by them. conversely, there are certainly forms of intervention besides pharmaceuticals that people may find helpful. but my general critique here is aimed less at haggling over specific methods of intervention, and more at the ideological and philosophical tenets of medicine that cause any interventions to be imposed by force or coercion on patients, then framed as being 'for their own good'. were suffering people given the information and autonomy to actually choose whether and how to engage in any kind of intervention, some might still choose drugs! my position here is not one of moralising drugs, but making the act of taking them one that is freely chosen and available as an option without relying on physician determination of a patient's interests over their own assessment of their needs and wants.

"so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized"

true, but don't misunderstand me as saying that drugs or any other form of intervention should be forcibly withheld from those who do want them and are made fully aware of what risks and harms seeking them could entail. again, this would still be an authoritarian model; my critique is aimed at increasing patient autonomy, not at creating equally authoritarian and empowered doctors who just have slightly different treatment philosophies.

"dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc"

ok, framing this as "demonisation" tells me that you're not understanding that, again, this is a systemic and structural critique. it is certainly true that a great many doctors currently are, and have historically have been, outright racist, trans/misogynist, ableist, and so on. framing this as a problem of a well-intentioned discipline being corrupted by some assholes is getting it backwards. medicine attracts prejudiced people, not to mention strengthens and promotes these prejudices in its entire training and practice infrastructures, because of its underlying philosophical orientation toward enforcing 'normality' as defined by 18th-century statistics and 19th-century human sciences that explicitly place white, cis, able-bodied european men as the normal ideal that everyone else is inferior to or failing to live up to. doctors who really nicely tell you that you're too fat are still using bmi charts that come from the statistical anthropometry of adolphe quételet and the flawed actuarial calculations of metlife insurance. doctors who really nicely deny you access to transition surgery are still operating under a paradigm that gives the practitioner authority over expressions and embodiments of gender. the issue isn't 'demonisation', it's that medicine and psychiatry explicitly attempt to render judgments about who and what is 'normal' and therefore socially 'healthy', and enforce those standards on patients. this is not a promotion of patient well-being, but of social conformity.

"i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people"

let me ask you a few questions. you say that you like your psych rotations... but how do your patients feel about them? is their autonomy protected? are they in treatment by free choice, and free to leave any time they wish? are they treated as human beings with full self-determination? if you witnessed a situation in which a patient was coerced or forced into a certain treatment, or in which you were not sure whether they were consenting with full knowledge or freedom, would you feel empowered to intervene? or would doing so threaten your career by exposing you to anger and retaliation from your higher-ups? what higher-ups will you be exposed to as a resident, and then as a practicing physician? could you practice in a way that committed fully, 100%, to patient autonomy if you were working at someone else's practice, or in a hospital or clinic? could you, according to current medical guidelines, even if you had your own practice?

when you say "this is the manner in which i would like to help people", what do you mean by "this"? can you define your philosophy of treatment, and the relationship and power dynamic you want to have with any future patients? is it one in which you hold authority over them and see yourself as determining what's in their 'best interests', even over their own expressed wishes? have you connected with patient advocates, psych survivors (other than your friends), and radical psychiatrists and anti-psychiatrists who may espouse heterodox treatment philosophies that you could consider? do you think such philosophies are sufficient for protecting patient autonomy and well-being, or are they still models that position the physician's judgment and authority over that of the patient?

"im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system"

and here is the crux of the problem with this entire ask. you are wondering how to sleep at night, if you are participating in a career you find morally distasteful. where, though, do your patients enter into that equation? do you worry about how they sleep at night, after having interacted with a system of social violence that may very well have traumatised them under the guise of providing help? why does your own guilty conscience worry you more than violations of your patients' bodies, minds, and basic self-determination?

i can't tell you whether your career path is morally acceptable to you. i don't think this type of guilt or self-flagellation is fruitful and i don't think it helps protect patients. i don't, frankly, have a handy roadmap sitting around for creating a new system of medicine and health care that rests on patient autonomy. affective distress is real, and is not something we should have to bear alone or with the risk of having violence inflicted upon us. what you need to ask yourself is: how does the medical model and establishment serve people experiencing such distress? how does it perpetuate violence against them? and how do you see yourself countering, or perpetuating, such violence as someone operating within this discipline? what would it mean to be a 'good' actor within a violent system, if you do indeed believe that such a thing is ontologically possible?

[cupiohearts]

HOT MALE NURSES ?! - seeing your boyfriend put on a sexy nurse costume for you

CHILDE was actually having fun with this. you watched in horror as he strided across the floor with a tray in hand. he held a grin as he proudly pointed out how he was gonna fix you right up

you groaned into your pillow, awakening to the bright light and with your fever reaching an all time high. it was hot inside of your room and so you swung off the covers and went to the kitchen to pick up water.

now you were someone who had an obnoxious boyfriend, frankly too obnoxious but you still love him.

"-i'm reconsidering our relationship right now childe" you stood at the doorframe not even a step outside when you see childe with him fixing his nurse hat "what the fuck are you doing here".

childe widened his eyes before jumping straight into position. he grabbed a syringe and posed on the couch. "i heard you needed a doctor" he said (with roses and a pink background appearing behind somehow).

you both stared at each other for a long time until he broke the silence by answering your question. "ok fine- you should really stop leaving the key in the potted plants outside."

"so you broke in?"

"you were sick!"

you pinched your nosebridge and just gave up on the topic while childe kept pestering you about your needs.

"do you need anything to eat? i can get you ice with that water!" he constsntly loomed over your shoulder until you asked for something and that was only until hours later.

"childe can you get out of my housr"

"... no"

you were not gonna lie when you said KAEYA had made your face even hotter. it seems as though he deliberately unbottoned the top part of the nurse uniform, and put on the fishnet stockings.

"KAEYA?!" you shouted with your jaw dropping. it was morning and the first thing you wake up was to kaeya ginormous boobs in your face.

"oh~ are you finally awake" kaeya had given his girl crushing eye smiles and you just kept your jaw open.

the blue haired man smiled while he poured your medicine into a small cup holding a glass of water. "open up" kaeya asked while you complied.

perhaps its the fact that his outfit had overloaded your brain adding ontop of his incredibly good looks or it mightve been the fact you were sick and therefore incapable of thinking clearly but you did it anyways.

not even the bitter taste of medicine pulled you out of your trance. kaeya continued to treat you. he even sung you a lullaby and tucked you into sleep.

he pulled up right next to you, of course he noticed how your face got hotter every time he touched you of course he would. but it was fun teasing you.

"your expressions are so cute"

you did not how anybody had convinced SCARAMOUCHE of all people to do this. perhaps it was nahida or perhaps it was his own accord (.00001% possibility) but you werent gonna complain especially not when he ended up being so fun to tease.

"STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ME!" your boyfriend had loudly shouted at you. he was currently washing your dishes while you laid on your couch taking photos of him. "but you look so good in that!"

"yeah i know..." he mumbled under his breath, you didn't hear exactly what he said and didnt care. when you were finally done taking photos you zoomed in on them.

"maybe i should get sick more often if you do this for me!" you giggled. you kept looking at the photos until the phone was swiped out of your hands.

"wh- hey!" you stared at scaramouche who had held your phone in his hand and placed it in a cupboard "i needed that!"

scaramouche stuck his tongue to you and blew a raspberry. "bleh! deal with it! you just wanted to take more photos of me" he crossed his arms.

"yeah i needed that. give me my phone back!"

"get rid of this fever and then you get it back" scaramouche promptly stated. picking up all the trash you had left around while you slumped over your couch.

"i hate you!"

"no you dont"

scaramouche might be outta character but uh anyways

my first genshin post !!

[fecto-forgo]

OK . OKOKOKOK.

so. all of this is in my mind and not exactly canon to the book but bear with me.

avh taught seward abt being a physician. he was never really mentioned to be into psychology much at all and we dont really hear much abt sewards college days.

SO I THINK. that when AVH was sewards professor he recognized that seward was v uncompassionate abt medicine, thinking abt it purely from a scientific view. AVH tried to instill some "hey. patients are people too???" shit in there with his long winded lateral thinking exercises but he never got to see where that went, because the students own teachers arent allowed on the board that gives someone their doctorate.

that is until seward is like "hey lucys fucking dying" and AVH is like yeah sure ill check it out. and he sees how seward treats people.

enter renfield.

i dont think avh is weird around him due to ableism. i think hes weird around renfield because he feels guilty. because he taught seward, and here he is, learning the extent of sewards abuse, so who gave him the right to try to talk to renfield? I think it eats him alive.

but renfield doesnt KNOW that because people arent mind readers . so to renfield he comes off as yet another doctor out of his depth and weird abt psychotic people

(i am completely ignoring oct 3rd entries because everyone that wasnt seward was so out of character during those. gestures.)

OHHHHH THATS A COOL TAKE

thing with me i think is i paid so little attention to his character my brain only remembers the worst stuff (implications with his wifes state/wanting to talk to renfield because he was surprisingly smart for a "lunatic"/october 3.) and some funny lines that arent enough to make me interested in checking anything else out to see what to do with him

(also im a professional late september early october hater i hate how those entries could have been good but stoker literally fucked up EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.GOD.)

[smrtelnaaleziva]

(long post; no tw, i am just sad)

i do not know if this is just me and i am complaining too much or if other chronically ill (or even disabled) people can relate to this but dae take it really badly when their health issues fuck them over, especially if it is at the worst possible time?

for background, i have severe migraines (i dont consider myself diasbled but i have them frequently enough for it to be an issue, in december alone i had 15 headache days) and i have severe mental illness. i am also uni student.

last week i had six finals that i studied like crazy for (except for latin cause i really did not have energy for that one). on thursday i was supposed to have three. the entire week my anxiety has been horrible and on thursday i woke up with awful migraine.

i went to the first final that i had at 8 AM. because i did really well on exams before, i only needed one point out of six. i took otc medicine bc i still thought that maybe it isnt that bad, i am afraid of taking my sumatriptan too much (mistake). before i even got to school, my migraine progressed so much i started having trouble with my vision (in general my vision is bad but glasses correct it - that doesnt happen during my bad migraines). my vision was spotty and really blurry in one of my eyes and i couldnt read.

i took the first final. i got 0.75 points. awesome.

i didnt even bother going to the second one (it was latin anyway, there was 50-50 chance i fail), instead i went back to dorms and i am glad i did because i started puking. i managed to take my sumatriptan, another otc analgesic and used anxiety medicine to knock myself out so i get at least some sleep before the last final that i had in the afternoon.

it helped, i mean i still had bad migraine but at least it was dulled now. i passed, surprisingly bc my eyesight was still pretty bad and that doesnt mix well with lab work so i am glad.

now, failing a final in my country isnt that bad of a thing? like they dont count towards our gpa, only major exams do. i have eleven subjects this semester and only four of them have major exams so that is fine. you need to pass the finals to be able to take the major exams but you get three attempts at every one of them. that means that yeah, they are hard, but one bad day like this doesnt fuck you over as much.

i am still extremely upset by the whole thing. i worked really hard to pass, arguably more than some other people, but i still failed due to circumstances outside of my control. i hate hate being chronically ill. it feels like i really need to work way harder than other people to be on their level due to my memory issues caused by my mental illness... and i can still fuck up just because my brain decides to fuck me over.

i know the world is unfair and all that stuff but i am still upset by this fact. if feels really unfair. i often daydream about being completely okay and how my life would be if i was. but i am not. that is the reality. there is no permanent cure for migraines, there is no way i will ever fully recover from my mental illness. so i am sad, obviously. and when i having hard time to accept this and cry about it, my mum tells me i need to stop pitying myself and instead focus on the future. i know she is well meaning and probably right but it still feels very invalidating.

idk, am i being too dramatic or is this normal reaction? either way, it still sucks. i am not sure why i am writing this, maybe to complain, but i guess i really need someone to tell me i am not crazy for thinking like this.

[wraithcxre]

at this point in time, i once again allow myself to feel and love.

looking back, the universe had cradled me in its arms of space and time without the past, unascended me knowing.

i love the world because i love that one random atenean who gave me her 3 day pass to conquest just so i can hang out with my friends. despite my offers to compensate, she declined just because. i love remember hans who gave me his m&g so i can see hakao. i love because daniel has always seen my brain rot and meme'd the fuck out of my stupid shenanigans. a distant yet long term friend for years, i knew that he was game for anything risky, fun and borderline illegal. i remember the time we door bell pranked other houses within tondo for the hell of it. also because he smuggled smirnoff and watched autotelic live with me and other friends we've met as well. because sigrid blessed me with her amazing dj set and through music, i made a friend.

mani and hannah and sab and shiva was love when they reminded me of my worth. that boys aint shit. that womanhood doesnt have to feel like a chore, and that being a lady is a blessing. they reminded me of what i was and what standards should be. kiel reminded me i belonged when i was invited for a second time to knkland, and i get to meet so many amazing people like nica, jd and etc

love is abundant because through ej, i met new friends as well. these friends turned into late night sessions in discord complaining about coursework and planning spontaneous after class detours, like little trips to tomas morato. i would eventually come to see tagaytay with these people, trying out rides i alone would never do. anchor's away was hell but it wasnt when ej told me to inhale and exhale upon descent, and when kyle shouted about how he hates sir harold. i came to enjoy the bumpy ass ride of life with these people, the people i shared grab fees with. the people i had treasured conversations with as we went home. erika and danne always were spot on with their motherly advices and gayish quips about life, and i would always appreciate cleo stealing my phone just to fill it with wack-ass videos about them knocking on it. sitting through 9 hours of college was easy when i get to navigate it with people like alessandro and kyla, whom i shared a newfound love of 3D with. i always looked forward to the tusok tusok ventures and how kyle would always treat me street food, even when he didnt need to. fibel was there for every spontaneous paresan adventures . i would never forget the time he and hannah handled me like i was chinese porcelain during a frenzied breakdown at a place where i couldn't hold myself together. these people have seen slivers of the real me and looked at me straight in the eye anyway despite my qualms to push them away. being loved while juggling the mortifying ordeal of being known is a terrifying feeling, but i felt safe because of these people.

love is when you have people to cook with. ej taught me that care came in the form of a microwavable container filled with a generous amount of food - food that my mother would come to love. that you can share the kitchen as a sous-chef and that you would be cooked for, too - like how you used to cook for others. that there are many ways to cut an onion and that you'd end up crying as you peel the layers (of people?) everytime. it was a lesson in aromatics.

kei, my friend for more than a decade, reminded me of this when she brought me food despite the fact that it was raining. percy, who made sure i ate before i took my medicine the time i had a burning hot migraine fever because of how stressful finals week was.

i knew i was loved when despite the nosy banter from friendship, i had someone to cram requirements with. that i dont have to go through finals week alone. that a treat of strawberry drink from kyle and jeff meant that theyre giving you energy to get through it, through a warm cup. francine, the ever so strict blockmate of mine loved me when she helped me manage our production team, because she knew i had too much on my plate to manage and handle. even if she was sometimes a bitch about it.

i love the world because of precious experiences. tamiel, with her chatty nature, was loved by me because she always made sure to invite me wherever she goes - may it be ukay, a spontaneous trip for ramen, the tattoo shop id eventually come to work for and the stories we tell each other had no end. she'd tell me otherworldy stories about her OCs and i knew despite the harsh exterior she usually projects, she's a softhearted child at heart. kuya, who trusted my vision and talent, gave me love when he offered to do my tattoos for free, in exchange for my work. dell and i watched barbenheimer together in matching themed outfits. it was a refreshing break. dell also witnessed the time when the UP prof gave me fish for free, then we visited UPCM afterwards. a dream, fulfilled. i had always dreamed of playing UP's pianos and i had done it. gan and i shared a lighter after we departed the jeep, after coincidentally riding the same one. gan, ej and angelo and percy and i formed a band after we found out our shared love for music and it has been one of the highlights of my college life so far. i looked forward to the jamming sessions every tuesday and saturday, and imagine my excitement when i found out there's a nearby studio :D

i felt like a game character in persona 5 who had multiple waypoints along kamuning. i had a newfound love for persona 5 after andres lent me his copy. he also was the one who taught me how to mix and record in fls. i wont forget the time i also was given fish supplies for free by that one stoner dude from reddit and i was also accompanied as i shopped for my fish. aquascaping as a hobby introduced me to newfound connections and people who liked the same things as me and it was nice. if i could talk to my betta and told him these, i hope he is happy n proud i am making friends bc of him. i still havent named the others yet, but i do know that he is blade - because he's colored like that one character from star rail.

i know that love can extend so much more from this. and so ill keep my head, heart, arms and palms open - walls broken as i move to accept what has always been rightfully deserved - love. it nestles in every leaf and every whisper of the wind, and it exists even in waters and fishes. it exists in animals and people and lives ,

and if life is not about love, then what is it supposed to be for?

[blackvail22]

its not fair that my brain is built this way. it's not. why did i have to be born with such a stupid fucking mind. i hate it so much. i hate that i dont know how to be funny or entertaining. i hate that i dont know how to ... live! i dont know how to fucking live a normal life. all i know is how to be serious and sad and boring and quiet and it pisses me off. i hate that i overthink so much. i hate that i complain. i hate that whenever i say something, it comes across in a way i didnt mean it.

im starting to struggle again, and i hate it. its been like this for about a month now, and it makes me so incredibly upset. i was doing so, so good. is it the medicine? has it stopped working? is it me? what changed...?

im angry. im angry sad. its the type of anger that is swallowing me whole. i feel like i could tear down an entire building... im so upset with myself. i hate that i was made this way, and i hate that i have to live with it.

i dont like myself very much right now. i feel like all of my problems would be gone if it wasnt for me. i feel like i make up all of my problems, if not amplify them to a size that they dont have to be?

im sorry that i can be overwhelming. i try to keep it in my bubble, but my brain doesnt let me sometimes.

im so grateful that he love me. i hope that he still loves me through my bad days, like one like tonight.

his parents like me, he says. they want to have a dinner with us both... i want it to happen a lot, but im anxious about it at the same time. i dont communicate well, especially in person. im not a very exciting person, either. i dont have too many hobbies, and even then, i dont do them consistently enough for me to consider them a hobby. i come from a bad family, and theyre a good one. that terrifies me. i dont want them to see me in a bad way because of that. i also dont want to be seen as a "charity case". i just hope that if and when it happens, it goes well.

i hate that i dont know a lot about myself. i need to list down my favorites and shit and study it to make sure i dont mess up or have a really surface level answer.

i just need a hug

[devourblood]

i can't fucking do this i can't do this stupid university i dont

i don't give a single shit about graduating i dont see myself working anyway i dont see myself making it 20 much less 25 or 30 i dont want anything i can't do this why can't everyone just understand why does nobody take my problems seriously everyone thinks im exaggerating or insane and it's like just LISTEN TO ME treat me like im REAL i dont fucking know what i fucking hate "get therapy" bitches i AM getting therapy i AM taking medicines it's not MY fucking fault that my brain is so fucked that it's not doing shit have you considered that I AM SUFFERING MORE THAN YOUR STUPID ASS i am doing everything i can to not go insane im trying so hard to make myself small but no im just fucking exaggerating like im going to kill myself im front of you and change the trajectory of your life forever because clearly only THEN you'll take me seriously like what the fuck do you even want from me do you just want to see me break how can you say that you care when you really fucking dont

[alwaysscheming]

Apple notes collection

10/30/22

How is it possible to feel so much at the same time? Am I some kind of narcissist to think that this is abnormal? I feel like at some point I was entirely stripped of all my convictions. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Even my thoughts about being wrong all the time are wrong. Ha, it’s meta, get it? My current life raft is medicine. To me it is both the thing that’s forcing my head underwater and providing a life raft. It honestly feels like the only thing that is anchoring me but also encourages some destructive habits. It feels like right now, medicine is all I have. But that’s wrong. I have friends, I have family, the people who stuck around during my darkest times are still here. It’s so hard for me to expose my deepest thoughts. I hope that one day I’ll find a partner in someone who will let me share those thoughts without shame. 

My problems aren’t fucking real. I come from a place of privilege and I dont have any real problems. So tell me why do I want to fucking kill myself? Why does every day feel like torture - like someone’s pulling my teeth out one my one? Like every nerve — maybe that’s an exaggeration, see look at me go making my problems bigger than they actually are. I’m still convinced that people who are unloved and unwanted should be allowed to die. I don’t want to be alive. Very few people care if I am alive or not. So what does it matter if I don’t exist anymore? Who is it hurting if I stop existing? I feel like I should be allowed to go in peace on my own terms. I will never be loved. I will never love or truly trust anyone. I’m sick and twisted and a monster and a freak and I don’t and will never get to join the people who deserve to live and be happy club. That gate has been locked since day one. So please, please please please please please let me die. Please let me go, please. 

I’m never going to get better. I’m never gonna make it out of here.

11/12/22- I’m starting to think I have Stockholm syndrome. I’ve been at the hospital for 13 hours and somehow it doesn’t feel like that much time has passed. I’m tired and sleepy but the idea of coming back here and doing this again for 6 more days doesn’t seem that horrible. I don’t think it’s because I’m enjoying this- I think it’s because I can’t feel anything anymore. After weeks of this post Covid cough and burnout from medical school, my lungs and brain have become fibrotic. Basic hygiene has been missing for months. Some days I brush my teeth once in the morning and call it a day. I’m on my period and have been wearing the same pad for 12 hours. Pretty sure I smell. I eat one meal a day at best and some days I’m so angry I don’t even eat at all. Haven’t felt good about myself in months.  Get me the fuck out of this cold miserable hell. 

11/14/22- I definitely lied. I still feel things but the only thing I now feel is pure uncensored rage. I hate my stupid loveless unfulfilling life. I hate my friends who I can’t seem to open up to anymore. I hate my mom who came all the way across the country to feed me cause I can’t feed myself. I hate my attending who’s making me present an evidence based medicine assignment for the second time in 3 days. I hate the hospital. I hate this school. I hate the kind sweet anxious old lady who spits up her eggs every morning when I go to listen to her heart. I hate myself for hating her. I hate humanity. I think all sense of humanity has been burnt out of me. The only reason I even cry anymore is out of hatred. Humanity is disgusting and filthy. If humanity didn’t exist , I wouldn’t have to be in medical school. I hope I die and the rest of the world goes to hell. Fuck everyone. Fuck this. 

11/15/22- I keep thinking I’m going to lose this battle when actually I’ve already lost. 

[kirishwima]

im so pissed off im. head full thoughts violent

[ochaka-archive]

Okay the singing class went well but when I got downstairs my dad immediately went "what were you excusing yourself for what did your teacher say" in his asshole voice and like wtf !! Kill me!

[sapphicgarlic]

turpitudinem part 2

warnings: i mean..... its the 70´s and harry is a pornstar......

YOU DONT NEED NEED TO READ THE FIRST PART BUT LIKE...ANYWAYS here's the link ;) 

ONCE MORE thanks to the lovely @real-work-of-art for enduring this with all the errors and to my dear Casey @berrynarrybanana because this is part from her sex bucket list  challenge!!! i am very late to the part but here it is!!! i was thinking of keeping it and adjust more (my self doubt is thriving) but i decided to say fuck it. here it is!!!!!

If Y/N didn´t know she would be arrested for arson she would have burned the library to the ground by now. She needed to get out of the two story brick library she has been working at for the last 2 years before her body deteriorates and vanishes into thin air.

Cause of death? Boredom.

Dramatics aside, things can´t get more monotuos than this, she is sure of it. It's not like Rosemary, her 80 year old manager, was up Y/N´s ass and paying attention -- or at least trying--  to her every single move  or the loud uni students that came in just mess the shelves she just spent hours organizing. The fucked up thing about organizing books in a big place like this is that it comes back to bite your ass later: there is always someone that asks Y/N about a book that knows she didn't put in the right place and she must run like a maniac to find it before the person gets cranky.

No, no,no, in fact, Y/N couldn't have found a better place to work. A year round quiet place where most people that come in are too stressed or way too in their own head to notice that she is high as a kite or still drunk from the party from last night/early-morning. Being under the influence surely did help Y/N deal with anyone, putting her mind in a tranquil state where she actually didn´t care if she was called a bitch or a stupid library rat -- only if they knew.

Y/N truly felt bad about lying to Rose and Willam, other co-workers that was working during one of her shifts, about why she sometimes seems a little airy and too zoned out. The two were very gullible people because of their age (Willam was still in a private, very strict, catholic high school). So when Y/N shared her very “sad” childhood story about the time her mother let her fall off the crib, permanently messing up with her brain, and how the medicine was so strong that it made her dizzy, they both ate it up like it was Marie Antoinette´s brioche during the French Revolution (or something like that, Y/N didn't pay much attention to her history classes.)

She even got access to the roof! The very secluded and locked roof was disposable only for her when she was feeling extra lightheaded about “the medication”. Needless to say that Y/N would go there to smoke her brains out or chug Campari from her flask if her shift was taking too long to end or if some creeps got in to “study”.

With all of the benefits only a fake disease could pull off, wishing the library to burn down into ashes would require a major problem to happen.

Y/N´s problem had a name, curly brown hair and green eyes, that made her truly hate her once very loved job at the public library.

The problem is, after you fuck a buff guy that also happens to be a very famous pornstar in the backseat of his fancy convertable , life becomes dull and grey. And the fact that it was probably the best fuck Y/N ever had did not help her to get him off her mind.

It did not take long to discover that Harry was a true gentleman.

He didn't rush her to get out of his car and send her away after they were done. Harry made sure they had a fantastic time afterwards, smoking and chatting about their lives and getting to know the woman he fucked in his car. Never too pushy, even let her the last drag out of the joint! Having a nice talk with a man that wasn't trying to get into her panties was rather rare and Y/N thought it was refreshing.

Quickly offered to drive her home even after Y/N telling him it would be quite a long ride. Harry just smiled and drove around the coast for as long as he would before officially entering downtown, so they could enjoy the peaceful noise of the waves clashing. Y/N regretted being so nervous about meeting him, but alas, she couldn't have predicted his sweet personality.

“If you don't mind me asking, why did you move all the way across the Atlantic Ocean?” Y/N moves her head to his side, looking at his gorgeous side profile, trying not to have her words eaten by the wind.

“Money was getting really tight at home and my older sister got a job offer here. I came with her but not a year after she got extremely homesick and went back. I stayed.”

“So you didn't comehere to pursue pornography?”

“That´s fooey thing to say. It would be very dumb of me to do that, however, it would not be something I would pursue if I was at home, I will give you that. I just...stumbled upon it.”

“How does one stumbles into porn, Harry? That is what is fooey. But I guess you are right, I wouldn't do the same stuff if I was still back home with my family. Maybe we aren't that different.”

“You actually thought we were? We are made from the same side of the tape, darling.”

Unfortunately, their little bubble of happiness and bliss bursted open the second Harry parked in front of Y/N´s small building. A moment passed by before Y/N decided to make her way out of his car after mumbuling a small ´goodbye´. It was awkward, they knew it and the lady that was passing by knew it too. Her movements wereslow because of the joint and the amazing fuck she just had -- if someone asked her why her legs looked like they were made of jelly, Y/N would say it was the tension of carrying a heavy envelope full of money.

She was almost at the door when she heard his voice and she never felt more relieved.

“I can call you, yeah? Like...just to talk..and stuff?”

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・．

It didn´t take too long for Harry to call her, just two short days and her phone was ringing.

Talking when their schedules allowed easily became a habit for them. It was organic and there wasn't such a thing as silence, one would always be  rambling about something. Harry was exceptionally and consistently in a bad mood the rest of the week, on the brink of pulling all of his beautiful locks from his head. His employers and producers, in his point of view, were making an extra effort to mess up everything they could that week. Y/N always loved to talk and Harry welcomed the delightful distraction with his arms wide open.

His favorite calls were the ones that took place really early in the mornings when he is getting ready for work and Y/N is getting ready to go to bed after a party. Her drunk bluntness was the perfect pick-me-up.

“You won´t believe it, Harry. The guy fucking broke the pool table and ran away. The owner w-will be mad when h-he sees the damage.” She says in between hiccups.

“The parties you frequent sound way more fun than the ones I need to go to.” “Rich p-people don´t know how to party-y.” Y/N could feel her eyelids getting heavier and heavier with each word, but she didn't want to hang up.

“Ouch.” Y/N falls like a little mouse into his trap, trying to correct herself believing he got sad until she hears his giggles. “I am kidding. But you are right, most people from here are stuck ups.”

“You should come and party with us sometim-e, t-then.”

“I bet you would have more fun if I was there.”

“So cocky when you are the one getting ready t-to go to work.” Y/N yawns.

“You should go to sleep.”

“And you should stop working so much.”

“Touché, darling. Let's compromise: you go to bed and before you know it, I will be done with work. Sounds good?”

“Just because I am really really tired. Good morning, Harry.”

“Sweet dreams, Y/N.”

Roxy nor Gwen thought that Harry would be keeping constant touch with Y/N afterwards but they sure found it nice for her. For all they knew, he was a good company for their friend, very funny and up-beat. They never were too protective of Y/N because of her natural spirit of being assertive but it was very pleasant to see she had  new company by her side. Even if that meant she would be a little bit late for their Saturday brunch.

“Why don’t you guys just meet up again instead of talking over the phone? It is really dumb, honestly. Have you considered how high your phone bill is going to be?” Gwen says taking another bite of her eggs and toast.

With not a cloud in the blue sky, the three girls decided to eat on the outside patio of Bruce´s under the nice shade of a parasol. Maybe it wasn't the brightest of ideas since the three had partied until 3 am and they would start to sweat alcohol at any given moment with the only refresher being the ice cold water and orange juice they requested.

“Yes, I have. He has been busy with some shit that I didn't understand. Something about the development of a film being late or something.” Y/N picks up a piece of mango out from her fruit bowl and munches on it, not necessarily waiting too long to start talking again. Manners could wait. “And it's been like, two weeks, I don't want to sound desperate.”

“You didn´t vanish with Christopher last night. Actually, with no one, you were always in my sight. That doesn't really happen so I would say you are probably desperate for him.” Roxy chimes in and takes the black and bulk sunglasses off her face to clean them with the sheer fabric of her blouse.

“I heard stories of him under performing and I didn't want to test it for myself.” Both Roxanne and Gwendolyn snort, not believing a word that comes out of Y/N’s mouth.

“What?”

“And you didn't bother finding someone else? That hasn't stopped you before.”

“Wasn't Connie there too? She never says no to you.” Gwen adds as Roxy murmurs ´yes, yes´ under her breath.

“Fine” She huffs. “ Maybe hooking up with someone that wasn't Harry didn't seem good yesterday.” Y/N groans, closing her eyes in agony. The sun and the not-so-pleasant conversation hit her all at once. “I need new sunglasses, these are shit.”

“Don´t try to change the subject, Y/N, because I don't think you fucked someone after him and, as you said, it's been two weeks.”

“If this goes on for one more week, I will throw you into a nunnery since you decided to join the celibacy life.” Gwen teases.

“Both of your sex lives must be really boring for you two to keep tabs on mine.” Y/N lowers her head trying to make the sun not directly hit her face again. She should have chosen her other pair to wear today but her mind was still a bit fuzzy and she was already running late.

“Well, neither of us fucked a pornstar in the backseat of his convertible.” Roxy says nonchalant downing her water glass.

“In the middle of the day, may I add.”  

“Oh, really? Didn't know, Gwen.” Y/N´s head falls to her right and rolls her eyes to her friends who had a big smile on their faces. She was really not used to being the one with a romantic interest -- if she can even call Harry that. “Fair, enough I guess. I mean… he is a great guy and a good company so, yeah, I wouldn't mind spending more time with him.”

“Spending more time with his dick, you mean.” Roxy corrects her while cutting a piece of her toast and eggs and eating it immediatly after.

“Why do I even bother going out with the two of you?” Y/N huffs giving up on her sunglasses and taking them off, throwing them on the table, deciding that if she went blind by the sun, so be it.

“You love us”

“I wouldn't go that far.” Y/N inhales deeply, her body slumps onto the backrest. “Anyways, are you two free later? I need to run some errands and I am craving fries and a milkshake for later.”

“I have a date with Robert today and I need to nap for quite some time in the afternoon. Sorry.” “I was thinking of having a quiet afternoon and going to sleep early. If you really want some company I can go but I--” “It´s fine Roxy, really. Was just asking if guys were free or needed to hit the shops too.”

“We didn't fuck a pornstar and have some extra money laying around, Y/N.” Gwen teases.

Y/N throws her friend her middle finger making Gwen laugh.

“You know where Robert is taking you?” Roxy asks, shifting the topic and Y/N zones out imagining meeting up with him again.

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・．

If Y/N could get rid of something permanently it would be her annoying conscience because if it weren't for it, she wouldn't be working the Tuesday morning shift at the library.

It was normally her day off work but the late call from a very worried Rose rambling about how William´s mom called her to say that her son fell ill and couldn't work his shift. The poor old lady was on her eighth call to find someone to substitute the guy. Y/N pitied her, feeling especially guilty about lying to both of them, and accepted the offer trying to ignore how early she would need to wake up the next day.

The only thing that was pushing her throughout the shift was the little naps she was taking every thirty minutes in different book sections. Turns out not many people were going inside a poorly dimmed library on such a pretty hot day like today so Y/N was stuck to reorganizing books while another teenage girl called Linda was the cashier. From a distance, she seemed really bored too and Y/N enjoys the fact that at her normal shift there were at least some people to interact with while being high. Far much more fun than collecting 7 different bibliographies on Abraham Lincoln and placing them on the shelves in alphabetical order.

Y/N was contemplating taking another nap in the Wiccan and Witchcraft section that was far in the back and secluded until she heard loud footsteps getting close to her.

“Someone on the phone is requesting to talk to you.” Linda says making Y/N frown. No one calls her while she is working especially since this is not her usual shift. The walk to the phone in the staff room seemed longer than usual, Y/N could feel her muscles tense and her breathing falter a bit. Did something happen to her friends? Or to her parents?

“Hello?”

“Thought you had gone missing for a moment, love. Weren’t answering my calls.” Y/N scoffs at herself, not believing she got all startled for this.

“Co-worker got sick and I had to fill in last minute.” She smiles while her back touches the mustard yellow wall knowing this wouldn't be a short and quick call. “The streets are getting dangerous, darling, didn't know.”

“ So you called me just to warn me about the streets? Is that it, Harry? Was thinking it would be an important call.”

“You don't consider me important? Consider my ego very bruised.” Y/N hears shuffling and other people talking in the background and her mind quickly wonders where he is.

“You know what I mean, Harry.” Her eyes travel to the boring looking room. Beige and brown were the main thing, a long stained wood table with four jabed chairs that matched the counter of the little kitchenette they had to warm up lunches. Would Harry surprise her and fuck her against the table, it would easily break therefore ruining the whole experience. Maybe the roof then?

“Well, I do have good news.” Y/N mumbles ´what it is, what it is´ during the dramatic pause of his. “The tape is finally ready. Even though it was a pain to get it done, I do think it was worth it.”

Y/N is stunned because a part of her thought that Harry was going to give up on it and burn the film. He has been absolutely cranky about it and how it was complicated to edit the tape so it was a huge relief to know it was set to go. However, before she can express anything, the door swings open revealing a fussy Linda with the weirdest expression Y/N has ever seen.

“Why are you taking so long. I am absolutely sure Ms. Rose doesn't pay you to chat on the phone and would be extremely sad to kn-”

“Oh, I am so sorry, Linda. It´s my head doctor, he has an important thing to tell me. Something about my head x-ray arriving from the lab and not being good. I-I--”

Y/N needs to bite her own tongue to stop herself from laughing watching Linda´s pale cheeks turn into a crimson shade of red. Her acting skills that she gained from doing theater during high school clearly paid off. The teen girl doesn't have the courage to even speak or say sorry, just goes away as quickly as she came.

“Sorry, Harry. What were you saying?” She says between chuckles knowing that, now, she could be locked up in the little room until the shift ended that Linda wouldn´t say a word. Probably would think that Y/N would be crying about the fake lab results.

“Head doctor?”

“It´s a complicated story. The girl tried to intimidate me so she definitely deserved it. Now she will definitely think twice before lashing out on other people. But I do need to stop traumatizing people, that lie is what got me here in the first place.”

“I could almost hear the girl's cheeks exploding over the phone, so I highly doubt you will stop. Sounded too much fun to stop.”

“It most definitely is.”

“Speaking about having too much fun and not being able to stop, I was getting to the point where I invited you over to my pad so you could watch it and give me your opinion about it.”

“You mean today?”

“If you aren't too busy for me since I have so little importance in your life….”

“I think I can fit you into my very tight schedule. You better make it worth it.”

“I most definitely will, darling, don't worry.”

“What time do you think? Because I do have a meeting with Brigitte Bardot and Cybill and I simply must not make them wait.” Y/N says in the most proper and lavish accent her mind comes up with even though she knows it sounds ridiculous.

“What about eight? It gives us a lot of time to chat before the sunset. Not to brag, but the view from my house is rather pretty but no-”

“Let me guess, not as pretty as me. You are a really smooth talker to get in a girl's pants.” Y/N swirls her index finger on the curly cord that connects the actual phone to its base. “I already have, I reckon. I don't have to worry about being smooth anymore.” Harry giggles.

“That doesn't mean you will get in twice.”

“I´m very good at negotiating, sure I can help you get there.”

“That is really sad, Harry. Having to negotiate to get someone to go under you, that just means you underdeliver. But I guess charity work must be done.”

“So you want my address or we should just forget I invited you?”

“Wait just a second so I can get paper and a pen.” She positions the phone on her shoulder, pressing the side of her face to keep it in place while looking at the cabinet for stationary. “You can say it now, please.”

“6187 Collington Place.” He says it slowly, repeating himself two times so Y/N doesn't get it mixed up. “If you want I can pick you up.”

“Thank you for offering but there is no need. I will get a cab.”

“You sure?” He asks once more as Y/N rips the paper off the little notebook, lazily folding it and putting it in the back pocket of her jeans.

“Yes.”

“So you will show up?”

“Maybe….maybe not. Guess only time will tell.” Y/N breathes out, looking at the clock on the corner. “I think I need to go before Linda thinks I died in here and calls an ambulance.” “Killing your co-worker shouldn´t be on your check-list, yeah. See you soon then?”

“See you soon. Bye Harry.”

“Bye Y/N.”

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・．

Y/N screwed up and it is too late to turn back.

Her subconscious shouldn't have assumed that the invitation would include sleeping over because now she doesn't have money to pay a cab back to her house. The car was already up the hill, there is no way she could ask him to turn around so she can grab more money without making Harry think she bailed on him. All of this trouble would have been avoided if she just brought a purse with her.

Stupid Roxy and her “Don´t wear the purse! It's going to look too formal!”.

And now Y/N was standing in front of Harry´s house with no money to come back home. Great. At least she looked good. The contrast between her plain black long sleeve cotton dress with the shiny leather-like Mary Jane shoes really made it look like she put enough effort without trying too much -- that was what Roxanne said anyways. Even though the material of the mini dress didn't do much to protect Y/N´s body from the cold breeze, the stockings were enough to keep Y/N from shivering.

At a first glance, his house wasn't intimidating or flashy as Y/N imagined. They had just one encounter personally but Y/N knew Harry had an eccentric style -- the red heart shaped glasses and blouse truly gave it away -- so to see the rather simple driveway was surprising. The entryway was secluded instead of being the first thing you see and it surely was because of the bronze metal double door, Y/N thinks. Her first instinct was to knock but she stops herself knowing how probably loud it would be and rings the little doorbell.

Y/N´s eyes can't help but to peak over to the window. She could see the wide corridor and the statues and painting Harry had over the sides. The way the sunlight came through the windows and reflected on the objects made everything look extra fancy. Y/N would confess that it was kinda creepy how she could just observe the interior so easily but since it's not an actual room, maybe it wasn't as bad.

Distracted by the little golden reflexes on the frames, she doesn't notice Harry coming until it was too late and he is about to open the door. She takes a step back, as if he hasn't seen her peaking, trying her hardest not to look like a child who just got caught.

“Hello.” He smiles, putting one of his hands inside the pocket of his checkered pants.

“Hi, sorry for looking. I-I…” Fuck, her cheeks are flaming hot. Karma is a bitch. “ I couldn't help.”

“Creep.” Harry says seriously, the smile vanishing from his face. She freezes but her body feels like it is on fire, burning from inside out. For all she knows she might start crying at any second. “I am just fucking with you, darlin´.”

While he laughs away, Y/N tries to regain her breath and heartbeat to normal.

“You should have seen your face.” “Not...funny.” Y/N shakes her head trying to forget what just happened but unfortunately for her, her mind will replay it every time her head hits her pillow before sleep sweeps her away.

“Well, I found it pretty amusing.” Y/N lingers to respond, analysing Harry´s laid back outfit. Whatever Y/N thought she had done with the dress and shoes couldn't compare to the contrast of the white tank top and the ink on his large arms. His hair was disheveled as if he just woke up from a nap but it couldn't look better in Y/N´s opinion. “You are all dolled up for me? You look really nice.”

“I am starting to regret coming here.” “Nonsense, come in, come in.” He steps off the door, clearing the way from Y/N. “Sorry for huh-, teasing you like that. It probably wasn't the best idea.”

“It is okay, I think I kinda deserved it. After what I did to Linda and all.”

“Oh, yeah. How's your head by the way? Are you really hurt?” Harry examines her face, searching for something wrong.

“Perfectly fine. It’s just a dumb excuse if I am too trippy.” Harry snorts guiding her through the corridor to the main living room and Y/N is surprised. From the wooden high ceiling to the enormous pivoted window, the room had an unique charm and it was undoubtedly the selling point of the whole house. The green carpet matches perfectly with the brown L- shaped couch and the big yellow pouf next to the analog television. It seemed, however, a center table was missing because of the huge empty space.

“Want something to drink? I was thinking white whine but if you want something not alch--”

“White wine is fine.” She smiles and Harry´s shoulders relax before moving to another much smaller all glass hallway that must lead to the kitchen.

The soft last rays of sunshine coming through and the lovely view from the back garden and the pool which, at this time of the day, seemed to be filled with honey. The house was not too far away from the fancy shops and yet, it felt like Y/N was far away from the bustling city.

“Here” Harry comes back with two wine glasses handing one to her. She sips it quietly as Harry looks around, trying to find something. “Probably should’ve brought the projector here before you came. Fuck. I need to go get it. It’s in my bedroom.”

“In your bedroom? Isn’t that thing too big to be carrying it around?” From the last time she heard, film projectors hadn’t improved a lot on their shape and size to downsize to something more compact and easier to carry.

“Yeah, but I can handle it. Had to put it there in the first place.”

It turns out that Harry couldn't actually handle it, especially not with one hand holding his wine glass. A loud ´bang´ echoes through the house followed by some shattering that makes Y/N jolt and search for where it came from. She guides herself through the same corridor Harry first disappeared in and through the kitchen. The hardest thing was to not get distracted by the insane amount of glass and other decorative pieces, than to navigate through an unknown space.

When she does find Harry he is crouched on the floor gathering the pieces into his hands murmuring something to himself, trying to put the projector together. By just glancing at the room, Y/N figures it is a smaller living room with the same aesthetic as the other just not as majestic. She puts her glass down on a little side table and crouches down to help Harry out.

“I stumbled on the carpet.” Fortunately, the glass pieces didn't shatter to tiny little particles. Taking that out of the carpet would be impossible. “The projector is a goner.”

“I can see that.” Y/N giggles, Harry gets up putting the projector -- or what was left of it-- off to the side. “Where should I put this?” “Kitchen.” They start making their way before Harry quickly adds. “I am so sorry. Should’ve thought about bringing it out before”

“It´s okay, things happen.” When she was making her way to Harry, her eyes really didn’t register the kitchen and the skylight above the double sink. He opens one of the wooden cupboards. The backsplash and the corners had the same squared yellow tile and were even more eye-catching with the golden specs of sunlight.

“Made you come here for nothing. Here.” Harry gets a plastic bag so Y/N can toss the glass pieces in here.

“At least we got to see each other.” Y/N says before frowning. “You keep your cameras in the kitchen?”

Harry´s head perks to see what Y/N is referencing to.

“I was planning on taking some pictures but I forgot about it. I am not the most organized person.”

“I can tell.” Y/N laughs as she moves closer to the Polaroid. “You still have all ten shots.”

“What do you mean byI can tell’?” Harry approaches her after tossing the bag with a sloppy smile on his face.

“Nine!” She exclaims after quickly snapping a photograph of him and grabbing it. “You look nice.”

“It’s still blank, Y/N.” Now, they are closer. Too close maybe. Y/N´s back is against the counter and one of Harry´s hands is placed near her waist.

“My point exactly.”

“That's not a nice thing to say.”

Y/N looks up, facing Harry and his smirk.

“I never said I was a nice girl.”

Harry nods, licking his lips.“Can I?” He points to the camera. Y/N hums in response giving it to him. Suddenly, he takes two big steps back, increasing their distance. Y/N wishes he didn´t, having him so near was good, she missed it.

Y/N tries to angle herself a bit, feeling her dress rise a few inches.

“Part of me wished the tape hadn’t developed. I want it for myself.” Harry confesses pushing the button. “Eight.”

“Greedy.” She slowly walks over to him, picking up the still white photo. He places his hand on her cheek, caressing it softly and Y/N can sense her body melting and reacting to it, her cheeks hot and her skin asking for more.

“I can´t help with, love. It´s a shame you couldn't see it today.”

“That just means I need to come back here again.”

“Win, win, I guess.” Harry lowers his head to Y/N´s level gently pressing his lips against hers. Submersed in their needy kiss and lingering touches, both lose track of time for a while. It seemed that the last time they were in each other's embrace was forever ago so the urgency for more was escalating rapidly inside.

“Wait, look.” Harry whispers close to Y/N´s mouth. “The sun is officially setting down.”

“You were right, it does look very pretty from here.” Maybe it was because of how much of a clear vision his house had since it was a little up a hill or maybe it was his presence, Y/N couldn’t put her finger on it.

“I was also right when I said you are prettier.”

Y/N snorts, closing her eyes and smiling, missing the flash. “Seven.”

“Jerk! I wasn´t ready!” Harry ignores her comments, throwing the unrevealed photos on the counter.

“I didn’t ask.” He extends his arm, moving his hand. “Come over here.”

Y/N doesn’t bother responding, connecting her hand to his letting herself be pulled in his direction. The camera once again is glued to his face, aiming at Y/N’s even if it's too close to get all of her face in the frame.

“A picture of my huge pores?” Y/N asks, pressing her lips together trying to think about anything to distract herself from the feeling of Harry’s growing bulge from the light pressure of her hips.

“Relax your mouth for me, love.” He says, scooting his face a little further from hers and taking a picture. “Perfect.”

Y/N´s mind is foggy from desire, something about Harry paying attention to a small detail made her legs weaker. “I had an idea for the next one.” She smiles and Harry snaps the fifth picture. “It was not that.”

“Yes?” Harry´s face is still behind the camera when Y/N takes his free hand delicately, closing his fingers one by one but leaving the thumb up. She sticks her tongue out, placing his thumb there before sucking on it. Harry takes a few seconds to process what is happening and takes another photo. “Fuck.”

She takes his finger out of her mouth, smirking. “Down to the final four. You blew threethere.” “Fucking worthy.” He tosses them into the counter, not caring much about them at the moment. Harry lowers his face once more to Y/N´s level to kiss her. This time, however, it´s much filthier and needy. Now, he fully had a hard on and Y/N could feel it pressing against her, making her core ache.

Her hands getting lost in his curls, tugging them as she pleases. In response, Harry moans, wishing to throw the damn camera away and fuck Y/N right there.

“I want a picture too.” Y/N says, she grabs the camera and slowly pulls away from Harry. His hair was even messier now and his pretty pink lips shiny. He looked like a dream, his eyes glistening from lust and from the sun. “Take off your shirt.”

He obeys her removing his tank top off his torso. All the breathing exercises in the world couldn't make Y/N regain her breath. From his butterfly tattoo, to his happy trail to his beauty marks, it was a piece of heaven on earth. The sun making his skin look golden, making the ink on it look as if it was alive.

Y/N can´t help herself but to touch his chest right below one of his swallows. She can feel his breathing falter as she drags her hand down letting her nails softly scratch him. He hisses, shutting his eyes to focus on the warmth of her hand trying to figure out her next move. Y/N positions the camera, her index finger ready to press the button and take the picture, deciding that her other hand making a small appearance on the side would be a great final touch.

“Take the fucking photo already, Y/N. Jesus Christ.” She was also getting angsty and too touch-deprived but the idea of playing with Harry just so he would fuck her even harder was too tempting to turn down. “So eager.” Y/N taunts him before hitting the button. “Patience is a virtue, you know.”

“Fuck patience. I still have to take three more before I can fuck you properly. Give me the camera.” She hands it off to him with a sweet smile. “Take your dress off for me.”

“I don't know if I should. You didn't buy me dinner first.” Y/N tsks with her tongue.

“I think we are way past that point. And you did make me take my shirt first without dinner too. It's only fair.” “Touché.” Y/N grips the hem of her dress pulling slowly towards her head, letting the fabric fall onto the floor gracefully before her eyes go up to his face.

Harry doesn't move, taking his time to devour her with his eyes and appreciate the piece of lingerie she had on, mostly focusing on the garter belt above her lacy panties. After a long pause, he approaches her.

“Can I?” Even though he doesn't make clear what his next move is, Y/N nods, completely trusting him. Harry angles the camera to her cleavage. “I want a before and after.” “Of what?” She says before the flash goes off, her cheeks ablazing. Before she can press him to answer, she feels his hot lips suddenly kiss the sensitive skin of her neck hard. A moan escapes her lips as hands instantly fall to his hair, tugging it. Y/N thanks her past self for choosing black because if it was any lighter color, her panties would be see-through.

Harry continues nibbling and kissing her skin, lowering and exploring the area but not passing the material of the bra. It´s not night or outdoors but Y/N can see stars all around the kitchen until he takes a step back and immediately presses the button on the camera. Y/N´s chest was definitely redder and shinier from Harry´s mouth, tomorrow they would probably be more noticeable but that is the last thing in their minds.

“Can you sit on the counter for me, please? The kitchen falls quite once more and yet, the air felt heavy from the sexual tension between them. Y/N does what she is told and hisses when her naked butt touches the shivering yellow tile. She looks back at Harry, a fair distance between them, with the camera on his face. “Open´a bit for me, darlin´.”

He doesn't specify what, however, Y/N is not daft and innocent as she seems, spreading her legs so the soaked center of her underwear is exposed. Before she notices what she is doing, Y/N perks her bum pressuring her pussy against the tile releasing some of the pressure inside of her. Her body now in control, rolls her hips forward, her hands against the counter making sure she doesn´t fall, mouth opened from the satisfaction. Her mind goes blank as she gets lost in the feeling of the cold material against her cunt, forgetting about Harry and the camera for a moment.

Y/N realises what she’s done after the flash goes off for the last time and the sound of Harry´s steps move towards her. She would be embarrassed if Harry didn’t havea huge smirk plastered on his face and his cock wasn't so noticeably hard through his white pants. The urge of being wrecked by him was undeniably taking control, her core was already throbbing and needing him inside of her. The memory of it won´t do it anymore.

“I wasn't expecting that.” He says under his breath, laying the Polaroid and the photo far enough from them. Harry doesn't miss  beat, positioning himself in the middle of her legs, hands going straight for the side of her underwear. One of them travels to her mons pubis going further down, deliciously pressing both his palm and finger on ther wet overed core. Both of them hiss, Harry noticing how soaked she became for him during their “photoshoot” and Y/N from finally feeling him where she needs him before his fingers go to her waist again.

His nails grab the side of the lace material, tugging it down a bit before Harry looks at her to ask for permission only to find her already nodding.

“Fuck” Is the first thing he says after throwing her panties away from her body, mesmerized by how wet she truly became for him. His fingers subconsciously go straight to her hole, picking up her juices and spreading them over her labia.

“Harry--” Y/N whimpers as he circles her clit and buries his face in her neck, kissing it once more. Even if her mind is lost in pleasure and her arms are trembling, Y/N makes an effort to use one of them to softly grab Harry´s cock through his checkered pants wanting to give him something too. His mouth opens in an “O” shape and a loud moan gets out, his breath hitting her collarbone making her only more hungry of his response. “H-Hold me.”

Promptly, one of his arms goes around her lower back, Y/N didn't trust her body enough to not have something - or someone- holding her in place. With both of her hands free, Y/N fumbles with the front of his pants until she thinks she's found the fly and buttons. She undoes them but can´t take it out.

“Help.” In one swift motion, Harry drags both his pants and briefs down as well as pulling Y/N´s hips closer to the edge of the counter. His fingers continue to tease her cunt without properly putting them inside making Y/N go mad.

Feeling his hard cock in her hand is a heavenly sensation, she thinks. Y/N´s thumb goes to his sensitive tip, collecting the pre-cum there and smearing it down before wrapping her hands around him. Y/N wishes she wasn’t so desperate to have him inside of her so she could feel his heavy cock on her tongue and how good his faint veins would feel against her lips.

Harry´s mouth goes to hers desperately. At a glance, it just seemed like a normal sloppy and urgent kiss but both of them - if they could speak in that second- would say that it felt like their bodies were melting into one. Such an intense addictive feeling and neediness that both never experienced before.

“Please, Harry, jus-”  She whines with her forehead pressed against his, their lips only mere inches apart.

“I got it, baby.” Harry shushes her, pulling her even closer to the edge, close enough so she could push his leaking cock inside of her pussy. “Go on.”

“Shit.” Y/N moans wrapping her legs around his hips so all of his length would easily slide inside. “Fuck, Harry, fuck.” She whispers as Harry starts to thrust into her, it was the perfect snug hit, almost like his cock was meant to be hers. Y/N wraps her arms around his neck and desperately kisses him again.

“I won´t last lon-- fuck, you are so perfect, darlin´.”

“Me neither.” Y/N throws her head back as her nails scratch the back of his head. “Harder, please.”

Harry picks up the speed not wanting to prolongate their highs any longer, he needs to feel her cum around his prick now.

“C´mon, darlin´. Be a good girl and cum for me, yeah?” Y/N hums in response. “Yeah?”

She can't find enough strength to speak so she just nods her head, completely focusing on the bubbling sensation in her belly that grows exponentially. Harry continues to whisper little encouragements for her but she can't process any. The sensation is overbearing and the second her pussy starts to clench making him stop whatever sentence and moan.

“Just li-like that. Fuck.” Suddenly, her bubble bursts, if her pleasure was in control before now it completely diminished her sense of reality. Y/N´s body was shaking, her arms and legs going limp -- fortunately, Harry grabs her thighs so he can ride her orgasm down -- but it felt like she was floating away to the lilac sky. She could still hear and feel Harry´s last thrusts before he collapsed onto her.

Moments pass as if nothing else mattered. Harry´s hand goes to Y/N´s face, moving some of the hair that has fallen out of place, kissing her cheeks softly.

“Can you stay the night this time, darlin´?”

[leedosbunnyboy]

Yang Hongseok; Wallace In Wonderland

Table of Contents | Chapter 1

Warning(s): cursing, death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, mention of self harm scars, pills, mentions of rape

♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•

"Levantate mijo, you have to get to school."

"Mom, I'm 20. I'm going to college, not the 1st grade." I explained to my mom.

"Yeah, 20 and can't wake himself up, apurale." My mom chided as she made her exit.

I laugh at her joke and get up.

Wish those times could've lasted.

"Ma, did you take your medicine?" I asked her.

"Yes mijo." She said and showed me her pack of pills, the required daily amount missing.

"Okay, I have to go, love you." I say and peck her cheek on my way out.

Wish I could've spent more time with her.

"Where is she?!" I asked as I rushed into the hospital.

"She's in there, but..." The doctor trailed off.

"But what?!"

"The cancer has spread. We thought it would stay in her chest, but it's moved to her brain." The doctor hesitates to finish his sentence.

"She's not gonna make it." He states.

I only nod and head into her room.

"Ma...?" My voice cracked as I quietly called out for her.

"I'm sorry mijo." She sadly said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked as I sat in the chair next to her bed.

"I didn't want to worry you." She said.

"Well now I'm even more worried." I sob to her.

"Don't cry." She weakly reaches out and wipes my tears.

"How am I supposed to not cry? How am I supposed to go on without you?" I wept.

"You'll manage. You're my son, I raised you strong." She said.

"But if you still need something to remember me, here." She handed me a small necklace with a playing card embroidered on the charm.

"What is this?" I ask her.

"A token." She simply said.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I asked again.

"It'll help you make some new friends to take care of you." She said.

"Mom, what do you mean? You're making no sense." I tell her.

"You'll know soon-." Her sentence was cut off by a fit of coughs as sirens began to ring.

"Mom, don't go!" I cried as I knew what was happening.

Doctors ran in and two pulled me away from her.

"Sir, we're sorry." One said as we had made our way outside the room.

♤•♡•One Month Later•◇•♧

I sadly look at the charm while thinking about what she meant.

"I'll know soon my ass." I say and throw it af the wall.

The only thing that accomplished was add more mess to my disheveled apartment.

Packs of ramen and mazapan litter my floor.

Along with the wrappers, a bottle of pills stands out to me.

"Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea." I think.

I stand up and grab the bottle.

I open the cap and pop a few into my hand.

"Don't hesitate. Don't think about yourself you selfish bitch. Don't you wanna see mom?" A small voice says in my head.

I sigh and return the pills to their container.

I think back to what she had told me; "You'll manage. You're my son, I raised you strong."

I head to my kitchen and decide to finally eat for once.

I roll up my sleeves and I'm meet with dozens of cuts decorating my arms.

I put it off and start boiling water for the ramen.

Once I'm done, I add the ramen and just sit around waiting for that to cook.

"Just take the damn pills. You know you've got nothing left to live for. You dropped out of school, cut off all your friends, and lost the last family member you had." It continued to pester me.

I ignored it to the best of my ability and turned off the stove as the ramen has finished.

I stared at the bowl of fresh noodles and began to realize how unappealing it seemed to be.

I tossed the ramen and made my way back to my room.

I picked up the bottle of pills and hurriedly opened it.

I took as many pills as my hand could fit and quickly swallowed them.

Before drowsiness could overwhelm me, I noticed the charm shining amidst the clutter of mess.

I picked it up and laid down in bed.

I smiled contentedly and let the feeling of sleep wash over me.

♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•◇•♧•♤•♡•

"He's waking up!"

"Shh, you'll startle him."

"Says the giant."

I wake up to the sight of three guys looking at me curiously.

"Umm... Hi?" One says.

"Hi?" I says and begin to observe my surroundings.

Everything is brightly colored and I spot... flowers singing?

"Where the fuck am I?" I blurt out.

"What do you mean?" The tall boy asks.

"I mean, where am I. What is this place?" I rephrase.

"Wonderland; where else would you be?" The boy with blue hair answers.

"Wonderland?" I ask in shock.

"Well yeah, what kind of places have you been to?" The tall boy asks.

"No, you've got to be fucking with me." I defensively say.

"How would we be 'fucking with you'?" A short man with a top hat says.

"Wonderland isn't real. It's just some place my mom made up to tell me stories as a kid." I exclaim.

"Well, I don't know what your mom's told you, but Wonderland is real." The top hat man says.

"Say, don't you think he looks like Auntie Lupita?" The tall boy asks.

"Now that you say it, yeah." The blue haired boy says.

"How do you know Lupita?" I ask them.

"She used to visit us and take care of us when we were little." Blue haired boy says.

"How do you know Lupita?" Top hat man counters.

"She's- was my mother." I retract my original statement.

"Woah, really?!" Tall boy says.

"Come to think of it, Auntie did always tells us about her 'original world', but I always thought she was just telling tall tales." Blue boy says.

"You don't think this boy's Lupita's son from some other world?" Top hat asks.

"I mean, it would be the only logical solution. He did kinda fall from the sky." Tall boy says.

"What's your name kid?" Top hat asks.

"(M/n)." I answer.

"Well I'm Jinho." The top hat answers.

"I'm Yan An." Blue boy asks.

"And I'm Wooseok." The tall boy answers.

"I must be insane. I'm talking to the Mad Hatter, March Hare, and Dorm Mouse." I quietly exclaim.

"Who?" Wooseok asks.

"Nevermind. Do you guys know a way out of here?" I ask them.

"Sorry, but no. We don't even know how you got here." Jinho says.

"Would you like to come with us since you don't have anywhere to go?" Wooseok offers.

I stare into space conflicted.

Yes, I dont know them, and they could possibly just be rapists luring me into some trap.

But that wouldn't explain how they know mom, and I'm assuming this is what her cryptic last words meant.

"Okay." I sigh.

"Yay!" Wooseok and Yan An cheer.

"Come on (M/n)!" Yan An says and takes my hand as we make our way on a blue and pink road.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"To Hui's house." Yan An explains.

"You'll meet him soon." Jinho says, already sensing my confusion.

I nod and we continue on our way towards this Hui's house.

"(M/n), may I ask you a question?" Wooseok asks.

"You kinda already did, but yes." I respond.

"You don't seem like the standard Korean I've met, are you foreign?" He asks.

"Kinda, my dad was Korean and my mom was Hispanic, but I've lived in Korea all my life." I explain to him.

"What's Korea like? Lupita always told us about it, but I just assumed it wasn't real." Yan An asks.

"It's like a little slice of Heaven. Does it have many flaws, yes. But I wouldn't want to live anywhere else." I tell them.

"What do you mean flaws?" Wooseok curiously asks.

"Well, as someone who's mixed, I do face alot of racism. And the fact that I'm gay doesn't really do me any favors." I tell them.

"Well you wont have to worry about that here. Everything is inclusive, and I dont think I've ever met a straight person." Yan An says.

I laugh at his last statement before my gaze lies upon a house made out of a giant mushroom.

"We're here." Jinho says.

He knocks on the door and a man holding a cigar answers.

"Jinho. Did you guys find out what that thing that fell out of the sky was?" Hui asks, colorful smoke leaving his lips.

"Yeah, it was just some kid who says he's from Auntie's world." Jinho explains.

"He also Auntie's son!" Wooseok announces.

"This kid's Lupita's son?" Hui asks.

"Apparently." Jinho sighs.

"Come in. I'll call everyone else." Hui says and invites us in.

His home is decorated with small trinkets and pastel wallpaper.

My eyes are attracted to a tea set used as a centerpiece in his kitchen.

"It's a beautiful set isn't it?" Hui asks me, obviously noticing my admiration.

"It really is." I say.

"Chamomile or Jasmine?" He offers.

"Jasmine please." I tell him, and he heads to start the brew.

He finishes quickly and comes back with a cup of tea.

"Here you go." He hands it to me.

"Hey! I want tea too!" Yan An whines.

"I only offered it to...?"

"(M/n)." I tell him.

"Only for (M/n) since he's my guest. You come here to leech off me every day." Hui scolds him.

Yan An sits and pouts.

"It's amazing." I say after I took my first sip.

"I do pride myself on my tea making." Hui smirks.

Once I finished I brought it to the sink.

"(M/n) there's no need. I could do it for you." Hui offers.

"It's fine really. My mom always told me to clean up after myself." I say and begin delicately cleaning the teacup.

A knock on the door grabs everyone's attention.

"They must be here." Jinho says and heads to open the door.

Four men step inside, each continuing to fit the the descriptions of the characters my mom told me about.

"So this is the mystery boy everyone's talking about." A man resembling the White Rabbit offers me his hand.

"The name's Kino, pleasure to meet you." He says and kisses my hand.

"Hi, I'm Yuto." A deep voiced man greets me.

"And I'm Shinwon." A rapsy voiced man greets me next.

I assumed that these two were the twins Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

"I'm Hongseok." A man with cat eyes shakes my hand.

"And you are?" The Cheshire man asks.

"I'm (M/n)." I tell him.

"So this is the guy who fell out of the sky?" Kino asks.

"Yeah, he's also Auntie's son." Jinho says.

"Wow!" Yuto and Shinwon exclaim.

"You mean he's from the 'other world' Auntie always told us about?" Hongseok asks.

I nod.

"And I'd really like to return there." I say.

"Well, lucky for you darling. I happen to know a way out." Kino says.

"Really?!" I exclaim. Feeling excited for the first time in a while.

"I hate to inform you that it won't be an easy trip though." He continues.

"I don't care. Anything to get home." I say.

"I don't mean difficult as in a tiring trip. I mean, it's possible you won't make it." Kino sadly says.

"Then I'll be willing to make that sacrifice." I boldly state.

"With that kind of determination, he's definitely Auntie's kid." Hui says

"Well come on darling, and we'll begin our journey." Kino holds his hand out for me.

I take it, and we're about to exit when..

"Where do you two think you're going... without us?" Wooseok asks.

All of them nod in agreement and stand up.

"Why are all of you so eager to help me?" I ask.

"Because your mother gave us so much, and while we never got to directly pay her back. We're gonna make sure to repay her by helping you." Yuto says.

I nod and make my way outside.

"Hold your horses kid!" Shinwon exclaims.

"Yes?" I ask.

"Calm down kid. Let us prepare and we'll start our journey tomorrow." Jinho says.

I nod in acknowledgment head back inside.

"Where will I be staying?" I ask.

"That... is a good question." Hui pauses to think.

"He can stay with me." Hongseok blurts out.

"Would you be fine with that?" Hui asks.

"As long as Hongseok is." I say.

"Alright, head to bed everyone. We'll sleep early to get a head start on our journey." Hui says, and everyone heads to their respective rooms.

"Come on." Hongseok says and grabs my hand.

We step in, and I admire the violet and magenta aesthetic of his room.

"You don't have to worry about anything. I'll take the couch." He says and begins to set up the couch.

"Thank you for this." I say.

"You don't have to thank me. I honestly see this as an obligation." Hongseok says.

"What do you mean?" I ask him.

"Although everyone else had a nice relationship with Auntie, I always distanced myself. I was always quiet as a kid, but I also didn't want to just accept her into my life so easily." He explains.

"Why not?" I question.

"After my parents had died, I was left all alone within Wonderland. I don't know what your mother told you about this place, but it's not all bright and nice. I had to survive by myself in the woods until Auntie found me. She brought me back here to meet everyone else, and I couldn't thank her enough for that. But I was still a lost, angry, and confused child. Now though, I realize she was the best thing to every happen in my life. So now, I'm gonna be your personal bodyguard." Hongseok says.

"Thank you." I say.

Hongseok smiles and ruffles my hair.

"Get some sleep (M/n). We'll get you home soon." He says and turns off the lights.

"Goodnight Hongseok." I say.

"Goodnight (M/n." He replies.

And with that, I look forward to getting back home.

[sicjimin]

Hello 🙂

Would you be willing to do a namgi fic (platonic or romantic) where Namjoon has a bad stomachache, but he has to push through an awards ceremony, performance and be a leader and all that jazz. Yoongi is trying to comfort him the whole time.

Take care of yourself.

A.N : my first namjoon fic !! eheh thank u for requesting :] this such a cute idea. I'm sorry this took a longgg time T.T I hope this does justice to your expectation .. :D

Ever since their debut, the end of the year—where most of the awards ceremony take time— is the scariest time in his life. It always brings more unnecessary anxiousness in his body rather than on daily basis. This year is no different .. or, if it's any different, he was more fucked up this time.

Namjoon knows he was fuck up when he feels full after few spoons of his dinner. He ate half of it before he pushed the bowl away, gaining a questioning look from his boyfriend, "You're not gonna finish it?", Yoongi asks. Namjoon huff as he gives a rub on his stomach, it genuinely feels tight, " Mhm, no. I'm full already". Yoongi frowns grown deeper, "But you barely eat anything since lunch though?"

"I know,", Namjoon brush his hair back with frustration, " I just, don't feel like it", he feels worse as time goes by, "let's finish up your food and go home hyung, I'm tired". Yoongi gives the latter one last curious look before back to his food. Being Namjoon's boyfriend for the last 2 years and his best friend for the last 8 years, making him know the younger by the back of his hand. He knows something is up with Namjoon, and his assumption proven right when Namjoon dozing off in the car back home. Namjoon can't handle silence in the car— at least there should be a radio, and now seeing him not protest or whine with the complete silence is making Yoongi more alerted.

When they arrived, Namjoon was moving so fast— it seems like he couldn't wait to curled himself to sleep, because Yoongi just finished parking the car and got into their room, he already greeted by Namjoon's figure curled under the blanket. Yoongi sighs before he retreats himself to the bathroom.

He scoots himself to his side of the bed, propped his head on his arms to support his body. He runs his fingers through the younger hair, knowing well that he's not sleeping —judging by how forced the closed eyes there. Yoongi whispers as his hand now move to graze the latter cheeks, "Joonie, hey, you're not sleeping, are you?"

Namjoon groans and turns his body so he could face the older. He wraps his hand around Yoongi's little waist, pushing the older closer so he could nuzzle his head further, "Mhm, can't". Yoongi's touch is so calming, Namjoon actually starts to dozing off as Yoongi plays with his hair, " Why? You look off after dinner". Then its silence between them, "You're sick, right?", Yoongi adds. Namjoon huff, he really can't hide anything from his boyfriend, " I can't say I'm sick .. like literally sick since it's only my stomach that hurts so bad. Maybe it's only dinner not agreeing with me hyung", Namjoon mustered a strained smile, "Lets just sleep hyung. I will feel better later. We got a long day tomorrow". Yoongi observes his boyfriend longer before giving up and groans, " Oh shit .. award shows. I hate that", Namjoon giggles, "Oh tell me about it hyung"

—

Yoongi eyeing his boyfriend that seated beside him, observing the younger through their mirror as the staff applying their makeup. They still have around 35 minutes before the red carpet starts. Yoongi could see how Namjoon getting worse as the second pass by, judging by how color has drained from his lips—making the makeup noona applying more lipbalm to conceal it— and how his hands never leaving his stomach. Yoongi turns his gaze to his mirror again, his hands slowly moving to reach Namjoon's and interlaced it. He grazes his thumbs over the latter palms. Yoongi could feel Namjoon's head turn to face him, before he turns back the squeeze.

The rest of the award show went like a blur for Namjoon. It feels like he is a robot that talks automatically once camera is on. Cheers to his 10 years of experience in interviews and red carpet, he successfully going through that one. The only thing left is enjoying the performance, accepting awards if they got some, and their performance.

Namjoon sighs in relief when he could see their seat. It still a few hours until their performance, at least he still could calm down his stomach that now feels worse after all the acts he pulled. He grabs the tissue on his suit pocket and crumpled it, absorbing cold sweats that starts making its way along with wave of cramps that shooting him on and off. He turns his head when he sees a commotion on his side with his peripheral sight, "Hyung? Arent your seat near Taehyung?", he asks when he sees Yoongi seated beside him, " I asked Jungkook to change"

"Why?"

"Dont you want to be near with me?", Yoongi asks back. Namjoon bites his inner cheeks, holding himself to sighs in joy and let out a stupid smile. Damn, he loves his boyfriend so much.

"I'm okay hyung", Namjoon says softly. He knows why Yoongi clings with him. He means, if the situation reversed where Yoongi needs to go through schedule after puking his guts out in the morning and complaining stomachache, he would cling to Yoongi too. "You're breaking cold sweats Namjoon-ah, and your hands are trembling", Yoongi says softly, worry is prominent in his voice. Namjoon widened his eyes, he forgot how observant his boyfriend is. " How bad is it?"

Namjoon bites his lower lips as he watched the performer on stage, "It feels like someone is squeezing wet towel inside me, hyung", Yoongi grazes his thumbs over the younger boy's palms, " Do you want to ask for medicine? We still have a long time here"

Namjoon shakes his head, "I think i still can handle this hyung. Don't worry"

But favor didn't work on Namjoon's side, since it's only been 30 minutes after he said with confidence "I can handle this" to his boyfriend now he's fighting with his iced americano that begging to come out. He squirms in his seat, trying to found a comfortable position that maybe could help to calm his bubbling stomach. The performer on the stage was just a mere figure that dancing and singing there, Namjoon's focus was already gone. He moves his position again as he let out a nauseated huff. He feels hot flush all over his body. He took a glance on Yoongi, hoping that his boyfriend catch how uncomfortable he's right now. and he's right.

"Joon-ah", Yoongi calls, his eyes filled with worry. Namjoon gulps down the liquid that was creeping on his throat, " Yoongi, i think i need to go to the bathroom for a minute"

"Let me go with you", Yoongi already lifts his body before Namjoon push him back softly, " No", Namjoon hushed, "Fans might be worried if there are a lot of us that gone. I will go alone"

"Are you sure you will be okay?"

Namjoon shuts his eyes closed and nods, "I will be back", he says before walking down through artist seats. When he couldn't hear more noise from the stage and entering the hallway with fewer people, he speeds up his legs and burst the stall door—he's lucky no one is there— when he sees one. The next thing he knows his body takes over as dark brown watery liquid rushing through his mouth and splashes to the water below. He gasps a quick air as his stomach cramps again, bringing another round of warm liquid out of his body. He keeps pouring wave after wave. His body bent further following the motion of his cramped stomach. He is almost sure if it's not because of his hand holding on the wall and the toilet tightly, he already falls over. Namjoon sniffles after the wave tapered down and only bitter bile spurting out. Terrible is beyond an understatement. He leaned to the wall as his body almost give up—if he didn't remember the stylist noona nagging that he will get if he stained his suit. Namjoon rubs his stomach, he already feels empty, but it still sloshing and twisting. He bites his lips as tears escaped his eyes. He needs Yoongi.

"Joon-ah?", Namjoon eyes widened. His cloudy brain tries to figure whose voice is that, but failed. "Joon? Are you here?"

Oh. Its Yoongi. Namjoon gulped down the lump in his throat before weakly answered, "Here"

The stall door opened, showing his tiny boyfriend figure, "How are you feeling?", Yoongi softly says as he makes his way to the stall. He flushed the toilet and guided the younger body to his, " 'm feeling terrible, hyung"

Yoongi rubs his back, "I know. Do you want to just rest in the dressing room? There's no way you could perform and all, Joon-ah", Yoongi leaner back a bit so he could see his boyfriend's face, but to no avail, as the younger nuzzled his head deeper on him, " I cant hyung," Namjoon mumbled, "I'm the leader. and if i suddenly disappear, fans will be worried. Everything will be a mess"

Yoongi sighs, he knows there's no way he could convince the younger if he already made up his mind, "Ok but let's ask staff for medicine first. I don't want you to go back there with an empty stomach and no medicine in your body", Namjoon weakly nods before he rinses his mouth and gets dragged by his boyfriend to do whatever he wants him to do.

—

The rest of the award shows goes well. Namjoon managed to give 2 speeches for the awards they received, and the rest of it, the members gratefully backing him up for speaking. Yoongi never left his side during the whole event, gently squeezing his hand every time Namjoon tightens his grip whenever cramps hit him, and rubbing his palm softly whenever he sees Namjoon start being jittery and can't stop gulping down sick. Short to say, he's couldn't ask for a better Yoongi. Namjoon also needs to give applause to his body that still manages to jump, run, and practically— function normally during their performance. It feels like his body understands his duty as he was fine the whole performance, even until closing, and just give up when the time they entered the dorm—as he bolts from the car and runs to throw himself to the toilet for another harsh round of puking his guts out.

"I was wondering how you suddenly manage to act fine the whole time .. it seems like your body is already set up as an idol, hm?", Yoongi murmured as his hand rubbing Namjoon's arched back that still contracts, sending whatever remains from the younger stomach to go out. Namjoon leaned back when he managed to stop dry heaving, his hand shakily wipes his mouth and his nose before he chuckles weakly, " I guess that's the perks of 10 years idol?"

[crowtrinkets]

Alright guys what with Anisa’s new chapter release I will now explain the reasons why I am also Anisa, Im also kinda basing this off the bingo thingy that have on the fictif IG lmao

I am sober this time dont worry

1) Mom Friend TM

I always carry medicine in my bag cause whenever I carry it someone always needs it, I also always have other items that someone might need (pocket knife/snacks/pens/charger/flashlight/etc)

2) Messy Room

Look.... I do clean my room I just sometimes make a little mess and it turns into a big mess and suddenly Im back to square one

3) F O O D

I love food oh my god, it makes me so happy when Im eating good food, I’ll feed my friends too. You want chicken nuggets mija? I’ll get you chicken nuggets

4) Competitive

The only reason I do well in school is cause my brain is like “You gotta be better than most of the people in this class bitch” and I’m like oh my god you’re right

5) Mom with Curly hair

Idk I made a connection about me and Felix both having Scorpio sisters and I feel like this applies too

6) People Pleaser

I was homeschooled but ik if I went to public school I would have been THAT BITCH that always kisses ass to the teacher sorry not sorry

7) Knows how to deal with annoying guy friends

Hey I may be short as fuck but if you say some dumb shit I will not hesitate to fight (all my guy friends say dumb shit 💀)

8) Passive Aggressive but in a nice way?

In chpt 2 when her and Saaros are being cordial but also mean? I hate confrontation but I refuse to be nice to someone who I’m annoyed with, so passive aggressive it is

9) Always Early

I always leave like 20 minutes before Im supposed to then I just sit in the car cause I dont wanna be the first to walk in 💀

10) Perfectionist

Literally if its not good first try I’ll scream and give up, oops

11) Collects Knick Knacks

I have a box in my room I call my goblin box, it’s full of random stuff Ive found like seashells, bottle caps, feathers, broken glass, rusty nails, etc

Ok thank you for coming to my tedtalk and reading even tho literally no one asked for this 😌

I will not be doing Sage cause I dont relate to that man at all he’s still hot tho