#i get tired easily because lots of things take effort for me when it seems like they shouldn't!

[inkskinned]

there's this video you've probably seen already where a woman is shaking in front of a microphone and delicately tries to ask - how can i make my husband listen to me, i've tried everything, i don't want to seem ungrateful and the other man laughs - the problem is that you married a man, we're only listening 25% of the time and we only understand 5% of that! and the audience laughs and the woman laughs and you just sat there, phone in your hand, letting the sound of it echo

and the thing is that people make think-pieces about it (isn't this one of them) and satire versions and "flipping the script" which is good and fun but at the end of the day, there's some truth in that man's response about men-not-listening. and you have tried to language that feeling for years, this sense that you can only take up 33% of a conversation before others view it as being "dominating".

it's not that they aren't listening, it's that the action they're taking is purposefully silencing. it's different. you accidentally-don't-listen a lot; just because the world is loud and you're distracted. you don't mean anything by it. and the truth is that the man who spoke is relying on that to be true of you; the way it's true of everyone. but there is a different undertone to his kind of not-listening. what he means is they don't respect you and you shouldn't expect them to. there is a difference between oh shit i forgot to take the trash out and why didn't you remind me to do it, just like there is a difference between i didn't realize you wanted to go out this weekend and why do you expect me to plan things why can't you just tell me where we're going.

and the thing is that it isn't just him, and it's actually not just because of your gender - your skin, your class status, your weight, their ableism - it happens often. so often it feels like a tightness around your throat and a weight in your stomach. you're not even "really" allowed to be upset about it, because to them it's a joke. and they laugh. and you know exactly the amount of work that goes into every conversation. how you have to work to condense down your thoughts into intelligent, crisp soundbites; worried someone will try to swoop in and cut you off. and there's this sense from everyone else - oh stop being so sensitive, are you really upset just because they weren't listening and you don't know how to say the way that feels when it happens constantly.

there's that video of the science summit where a woman in the audience finally says let her speak please! and the whole crowd bursts into applause and the man leading the summit holds up his hands and bows his head and says oops, sorry! like what he did was awkward and embarrassing, a little social gaffe that happens easily. later in your meetings, you're asked to take notes, and you don't say anything, you just hear let her speak please! ringing in your head and know that you'll never be brave enough for that kind of thing. and besides. think of all the people who agree this was a one-off, he just got excited and all of the people who say one man is not indicative of all of society

at the dinner table you're talking about someone you don't like and how he's not good to his girlfriend and how she always has to remind him to put the effort in and before him, she was glowing with curiosity and passion but now she just seems... tired, unhappy. that he likes the way she burns out; she stays home and takes care of him and their 2 kids. and your father sniffs and says that men take a while to learn those kinds of things. and you just stare at him and think about your childhood and are like - no wonder i turned out like this

and you want to say - there's no fucking secret school or mystic form of communication. i was not sent to Rearing a Child University. i did not graduate from Getting Chores Done College. i ask questions and i listen and i pay attention, because that's basic fucking human decency. it stems from respect, and how i respect others and their agency. i clean the house because someone should clean. not because it comes "naturally".

hell, you had to google "how to boil an egg" the other day, just because you usually make them scrambled. you can never remember which of the 2 bathroom cleaners make chlorine gas, only that two of them definitely do. you've accidentally bleached your clothes. it took you like 3 years of self-teaching before you figured out how to actually cook things correctly - for that whole time, you burnt or undercooked everything. but you did teach yourself; just like you taught yourself how to listen with empathy. just like how you taught yourself to think before you speak. to be kind first, to be better at communicating. it seemed like a good thing, an adult thing.

the joke the man in the video makes is that women say i'm fine! when they are not fine. and you think about the 150 conversations that happened around that; about how she probably has had so many arguments with her husband. how she said i'm upset you don't take me anywhere and he got mad at her because of course i do, you made me go to that stupid restaurant like last week and she probably said that's not what i'm saying and he said now i'm supposed to be psychic or something and she said no of course not and he said how am i supposed to know what to do when you don't even like everything and she said i do like things and he said well how am i supposed to win? and her pastor probably told her to be more grateful because they do things at all, even if she has to plan them and her mom probably told her that's just how men are honey and she probably cried over her journal, trying to figure out why the fuck she "has everything" and is still so bitterly, horribly unhappy

and how, in your life, for so many reasons, you looked down the barrel of another argument; of explaining yourself and being vulnerable and begging for help again. how many times you just said i'm fine because it was better than doing that again; it was better than wringing yourself out when it's literally easier to just pretend. because he wasn't going to listen. your father wasn't going to be better and your boyfriend wasn't going to be better and your boss wasn't going to be more respectful.

and you sit in front of a video of a woman shaking, looking horrible and guilt-wrought that she's even asking this question. and you know; deep in your heart - that's you. in a different life, you are her. you've stood in her spot. and you had to listen while someone else cackled - why would we bother to notice when you talk?

[mwalani]

Charlie, Angel Dust, Adam and Emily X Reader - (Charlie, Angel Dust - part 1)

︴Notes - Hello! Again, not a request but I'm having a boost of ideas HAHAHS anyways yeah uh this is more of a self insert because the reader is basically me but uhm yeahhh I hope anyone can read it 🙏

︴Content - Charlie, Angel Dust, Adam and Emily headcannons with a reader who has insomnia but likes to sleep during the day, dislikes studying, forget things often, is distracted easily, is shy but gets talkative once comfortable around them, gets easily angry, is an ambivert and likes to do art.

Charlie would be worried about your health, especially since you don't sleep a lot at night.

One thing she noticed is that when you're awake during the night, you go and find something to do.

Most of the time you're drawing, writing or just playing games while listening to music.

Charlie understands that you have difficulty in falling asleep and all but she'd still insist on trying to help you.

You agreed even if you knew it wouldn't change a lot without proper medicine for it.

Charlie also saw that you usually didn't slept at night no matter what happened, but ended up sleeping during the day.

That made you not interact with a lot of them too often because they're usually sleeping when you're awake.

But there's always someone who woke up or didn't sleep yet to talk to you.

Sometimes you liked it, sometimes you didn't. Depended 100% on your mood.

One thing Charlie is a bit confused is when you told her that you didn't like studying.

That's not a problem, the thing is that you spend a lot of time on random things and then say you hate to study 😭

She understands you though, I feel like math isn't something Charlie really likes.

But she loves history, and it seems that you like it too!

Charlie never touched a video game before, but for you she'd try to learn just to make you company.

Also, she tries to only call you for hotel activities that doesn't require a lot of effort to do, because she knows you don't like it a lot.

Something that she can't help with, is how you get distracted easily and have a poor memory.

Charlie can't help because she's literally the same!

So you two end up forgetting a lot of things. But hey it's fine! It's not like someone remembered it to be mad!

Charlie was really happy when you finally got comfortable around her because she noticed you were really shy.

Which made her try to get you to participate on more activities with the other residents, but once she saw how uncomfortable you looked she gave up on that idea.

Though she's trying to make you be less shy! Even if it's with little progress.

Charlie sometimes get taken back by your coldness because you're usually chill and happy around her.

But when she asked you about it, she learned that you randomly get grumpy and tired of everything and that makes you get a bit sassy towards others...

That makes you feel guilty and she tells you it's totally fine, she doesn't take it to heart!

Probably gave you an anti-stress ball or something to fidget when she saw you scream at the couch because you accidentally bumped into it.

She loves to hug you, especially when you get angry and instead of screaming or whatever you just start crying.

It breaks her heart seeing crying like that, so it's her job to go and comfort you!

Angel Dust is worried about you, but he isn't the best example himself..

I mean, he's either doing drugs or coming back from his work during the middle of the night so he doesn't really have a sleeping schedule-

That doesn't mean he isn't going to try to help you.

Angel Dust isn't one to invalidate people's feelings, so if you got angry at him trying to make you go to sleep he'd stop.

But instead he would love to just, stay there, awake with you doing whatever.

He's genuinely interested on your hobbies, especially the drawing and playing games one.

Angel Dust probably wanted to try games but never had the chance you know? So when you find out about it, you ask him to play with you.

He'd be really happy with it, but also get (jokingly) mad at you for making fun of him for when he died to a zombie on Minecraft.

Angel Dust notices after some time how easily distracted you are, and honestly, it's a bit funny.

You're there telling him a random thing that happened to you, and then you stop and change the topic to why Charlie was running around the hotel.

Even forgetting about what you were saying before! Which makes him also notices that your memory is shit.

Like, I feel like Angel Dust's definetly going to help you with it, even if it's just placing some notes on your desk with things like "Finish that drawing" "We're playing tonight ;)" or things like this.

Angel Dust knows that you are shy, because when he went to talk to you he thought you were going to run away from how nervous and red you were.

At first he even thought you had a crush on him! I mean not like you don't but 🥰

Now you don't even shut up! And it's definetly a good thing for him, Angel loves to listen to you babble about any of your interests.

He also knows how to see when you're in your "Good mood" or "Bad mood".

When you're in a bad mood, you're usually more cold and sassy to everyone, but you apologize right after you come back to the good mood again.

You have a bad temper, and Angel Dust remembers to not get on your nerve because he doesn't want you to get even more stressed.

I mean, he saw you lose a pencil and then yell at nothing just to find the pencil right after.

But when you just, cry instead of scream, that makes him really worried.

If you allow, he's going to pull into a hug, or a cuddle. Whatever makes you feel better.

He even let you pet Fat nuggets because he knows how much you love him😭

[the-elder-beato]

so I've been going through umineko again for a project i'm working on and it got me thinking about how masterfully the hints and foreshadowing regarding the true culprit and the overall mystery are sprinkled throughout almost every line of dialogue. and like duh it's a mystery story so of course there's gonna be foreshadowing, but it's also hard to strike a good balance with being too obvious that it no longer becomes subtle or being so vague that the reveals feel like they came out of nowhere

looking back on so much of the dialogue even in chapters 1 and 2, so much of it had me practically screaming at myself "how did you miss this the first time through?!" but at the same time, i can totally see how certain details flew over my head given the context the story being told is presented in.

gonna post some specific examples under the cut because one of my good friends is currently reading through it and i don't want to ruin it for him. SPOILERS FOR ALL OF UMINEKO BELOW

a pretty major one that a lot of people bring up is the constant mention of sickly sweet smells coming from kinzo's study as well as the oddly poisonous looking drinks that he partakes in that are bad for his health. this is probably referring both to the odor of kinzo's corpse itself and the preservatives genji and the others are using to prevent it from becoming obvious to the others in the mansion that don't know of his death

but the other things that stuck out to me are the fact that when krauss goes up to his door to do the whole song and dance of pretending that kinzo is in too much of a bad mood to leave his study and see the family during the conferences, he often ends these scenes with a sly smile on his face before handing kinzo off to genji or nanjo, two people who are also responsible for keeping up the charade

This is from one of the earliest scenes in chapter 1 like jesus christ. even ignoring how obvious the "my dad is already dead" line is in hindsight, those coy, knowing smiles he gives are practically screaming that this guy is putting on a show for the other siblings. but on a blind viewing, you could easily wave it off as krauss just having grown tired of trying to make the effort to get his rambling father to come out for like the 3rd family conference in a row and all he can do it laugh it off bitterly

a very similar version of this charade is shown in episode 2 as well, with yet another line with a double meaning that hints to kinzo's real fate. i honestly kind of find it amusing picturing these grown men pounding on the door to their dead father's study, yelling at a volume probably loud enough to reach the rest of the family downstairs to sell the bit even more

these lines also from episode 2 though. holy shit, ryukishi is pretty much giving the answer away here. granted, you can definitely interpret this on a first pass as natsuhi and krauss devising this plan to protect kinzo/their own interests with regards to the inheritance discussion, but the sinister and ominous undertones are there.

speaking of episode 2, it is basically a whole novel's worth of hints towards shannon and kanon's true identities, which makes sense given it's their focus episode alongside episode 6. episode 1 already plants some seeds here and there regarding kanon, what with him somehow always seeming to appear to shannon out of thin air or being described as creeping up on people silently like a cat

one of the biggest hints that most people discuss is how the detective, battler, who is supposed to have an objective view on the proceedings (at least before erika takes over in 5-6) never seems to see shannon and kanon together at the same time when he is present. what keeps up the illusion is the many other scenes sprinkled throughout that take place through other character's POVs where we are shown the two interacting together, particularly with genji and kumasawa. we aren't given any indication this early on that the narration absent of battler isn't to be trusted or is hiding details from us, i don't think until knox's rules are introduced in the answer arcs, so this is a pretty brilliant way of hiding the truth of their characters but without making it feel as if the viewer was completely lied to in hindsight

the fact that jessica is saying this to kanon of all people. oh my god. it's so painful. all of the flashback scenes of shannon and george and jessica and kanon are so sad to watch. sayo is not only struggling with the fact that she's fallen in love with another man while waiting for battler to come back, not only struggling with the realization that she's bisexual when she starts having feelings for jessica, not only struggling with the constant reminders from george that he wants to have many children and grandchildren after she finds out that she will never be able to conceive...

she's now come to a crossroads where (in this world at least) she has to decide whether or not she'll give up hope of battler ever returning and pledge herself to george, while breaking jessica's heart as kanon. and battler coming back after 6 years just throws all of that out the window

this one might just be me overthinking, but i'm curious if anyone else has a similar interpretation. these two batches of dialogue occur in the same scene, the second coming after "kanon" shows up to once again vent out "shannon's" feelings of frustration and anger towards the ushiromiyas. at first it would seem that her lamentation about wanting to be rescued continues directly from the previous string of thoughts, and that she's referring to george again. but the use of quotation marks around "him" the second time around really make me think that this must refer to battler.

the fact that she considers this a sin even moreso feels like it points to battler to me, her sin being the fact that she's still thinking of him in the first place while wanting a relationship with george. she wants to pursue these new feelings with george, but in her mind it would also be weakness on her part to give up on the promise she and battler made together by forgetting about him and moving on. she wants someone on a white horse to come save her, and the thought that this person has changed to being george is tearing her up inside. she doesn't deserve rescue from either of them, in her mind. it's so fucking sad

and the final one for now, since i've only gotten through the first two episodes for this rewatch. i remember thinking back to all the deaths from the previous chapters when faced with the challenge of figuring out who the true culprit was, and just my jaw dropping to the floor when i remembered this detail from turn of the golden witch. none of the other victims of the stakes had them fall out, they were gouged in deeply, but shannon's alone had fallen off to the side.

and of course rosa (the co-conspirator of the episode) conveniently blocks her body off before battler can examine it further and give an objective detective's view of the state of the body. if he was able to, he probably would have been able to see that the hole in shannon's forehead was made by a gunshot wound and not the stake.

not to mention kanon's body just disappearing entirely. episode 2 is where we really start to get introduced to the magic realm and its explanation of events, so it's easy to get sucked into that and go along with the whole "beatrice desecrated him after death by not even allowing him the closure of being a corpse for the rest to discover" but man, it is so crazy how well the pieces fit together once you know the truth. it was simply easier at this stage of the game for sayo to shed the kanon persona entirely so she could move more freely as shannon.

at this point, she had probably given up on battler solving the riddle in this fragment/bottle after his full on mental breakdown in the servant's room following rosa's cold accusations and lack of trust in everyone else. sayo would have planned to die by the end regardless, but this final locked room trick was probably her last ditch effort to give battler a clue as to what was happening, but again this was foiled by rosa barring him from looking closer at the crime scene

anyway that was a lot of rambling about stuff people have probably already discussed to death in the years since umineko's release. but damn i just really, really marvel at ryukishi's ability to write such an intricately written story that simultaneously had me at a loss for the solution for the majority of its runtime while also making me feel like a fucking idiot for missing all of these obvious clues the first time around, in the best kind of way. this sound novel is a masterpiece and i'm so glad i discovered it

rest in peace sayo, i have no doubt the foreshadowing during my replays of banquet and alliance of the golden witch are going to tear my heart asunder once again </3

[offorestsongs]

lilyarrow headcanons/rambles

welcome to: the most embarrassing thing i've posted yet shfjdjf but i'm sick and i'm having the worst brainrot known to man so i think i'm allowed to be self indulgent (im constantly battling the little cop in my brain that's telling me i'm being cringe with anything i do lmao) either way, enjoy some Rook/Lysander rambles

they actually first met pretty early on,, sometime after book 2 maybe???

Vil once said that it's a shame that the Prefect has such long, pretty hair, yet he doesn't take good care of it and how he wouldn't let that fly if Lysander was in Pomefiore

cue Rook bringing Lysander to Vil so Vil can give him guidance (Vil: that's not what i asked of you??)

Lysander is like a delicate flower, Rook couldn't let his beauty wither away! that would be failing his life mission!

Lysander is a sweetheart, but he's also a little weird, which comes with growing up very isolated - meet with a guy who seems to know his name, age, height and preferences he just. blushes

he thinks it's SO sweet that somebody would pay so much attention to him heaven's help him

they're the definition of slow burn friends to lovers 300k words

it was always my interpretation that while Rook gets infatuated easily, it takes him a lot to truly fall in love

meanwhile Lysander falls fast and hard and is panicking about it So bad

this is the first time he'd ever had a crush on somebody who's not wholly unreachable to him and he's NOT dealing with it well

Ace relentlessly bullies Lysander for his choice in love interest sshfjsjfdhdk

it's very important to me that Lysander is somebody who grew up mostly confined to one place and he meets somebody who can show him the world and let him be more free

they bond over their love of nature/wilderness!!! they go on silly little adventures together!!!

Rook also showed Lysander how to climb trees bc Lysander was never allowed to as a kid

i like to think they had a little "there was only one bed" situation in book 5 lmao

i mean, despite Lysander’s best efforts, Ramshackle doesn't have that many rooms that are actually suitable for guests, they have to squeeze somebody in somehow

(it was probably Vil’s suggestion that they sleep in the same room; he's so tired of listening to Rook talking about how elegantly Lysander ate a sandwich this morning)

Lysander has actually trouble falling asleep sometimes, for a lot of reasons, but now he suddenly discovers that it takes him like, five seconds to fall asleep with Rook next to him because Rook makes him feel so safe

(Rook is weird about falling asleep with other people around so he mostly watches Lysander sleep. not that hes complaining! to the contrary!)

Rook is very uh. attuned to Lysander’s smell. he always notices when Lysander uses a different shampoo/conditioner/shower gel. he also notices when his own smell rubs off on Lysander (and he's appropriately smug about it)

they're THE WORST couple to be around once they actually get together somebody help them DHFJDJ they're very open with their affections (Lysander has at least the decency to get embarrassed but not as much to stop)

also Rook often visits Lysander when he has his shifts at the Mostro Longue and Azul is pissed because their couple-y shit is driving away the customers (insert the homophobic dog there should be more gay discrimination at the workplace meme here /j)

yes Rook writes Lysander handwritten love letters but Lysander writes him letters as well because he's a sappy old man at heart

this post was supposed to be longer but Tumblr hates me and ate half of it so bye 😭

[alfredosauce50]

Requests are closed, but this has been sitting in my head for months. A white picket fence-themed story with slasher undertones! This is a little different to my other posts (and longer) because it has a concept and build up, but I hope you guys enjoy it anyway!

Content warning: Slasher horror, adult themes, and overall fucked-upness. Viewer discretion advised. R18+ only.

The reader is referred to as she/her.

Yandere America headcanons

Everyone says the same things about him. That he’s friendly, charming, and reliable. The boy-next-door, the type you’d trust your drink with. What nobody knows is that it’s all an elaborate guise to hide his true colors. Once he reveals them, there’s no going back. You’re never getting away from him.

The worst part is, nobody suspects a thing. Everyone would think you’re the crazy one for accusing him. Thus, his untouchable reputation (and cunning) makes him the most dangerous yandere of all.

The office romance

Alfred is the most popular guy in the building. He’s a hard worker, a people person, and lights up the room with his smile. It feels like he has everything going for him: a great job, good looks, and lots of friends that can’t get enough of him. What he can’t seem to get is your attention.

You’re married to the Danish ditz from customer relations, Mathias Densen. HR usually frowns on that sort of thing, but you were cute together. Either way, you’re friends with Alfred for the same reason everyone else is. He’s charming. The only difference is that he makes an effort to see you outside of work—to see a movie, to grab dinner, or to catch up over some coffee.

“So, what do you say? Me and you at Mastro’s?”

You’re walking out of the break room when he jogs over, his blue tie swinging from side to side. He’s been going on about having a steak dinner with a friend, then complaining nobody wants to go with him—only because he hasn’t asked anybody yet.

“I don’t know, Al. Isn’t that place expensive?”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m paying for the both of us.”

“Okay,” You laugh gently, turning toward the cubicles. Everyone is clacking away on their keyboards or speaking into their telephones. Your husband is one of them, only he’s more animated than the rest, nodding away and chuckling every now and then. “I’ll try and get Mat to pick me up at ten.”

“Great! I’ll be sitting in my office pretending to do stuff until we get off.” He beams.

He likes getting on your nerves. It’s that one trick that gets you to feel closer to him. And it works. During work hours, he’ll drop by your desk to steal your snacks for a reaction. He will literally pluck a candy bar or pastry out of your hand and stuff it in his mouth while walking away. When you get mad at him, he’ll just laugh and go, “you’re not supposed to eat at your cubicle. I’m just saving your ass from trouble. If you don’t believe me, you can take it up to HR.”

If he’s not picking on you, he’s a total sweetheart. Alfred will make you coffee without being asked. Mathias usually keeps an eye out for stuff like that, doing favors for you when you need them, but not when he’s predisposed with work. He’s easily distracted, unfortunately. And Alfred is an opportunist. “You look tired. I’ll add in an extra bit of everything to give you the energy.”

Being closer to him, he can act more like himself when he’s around you. That means less of the laughing, small talk, and all that nonsense. He can actually give you a straight answer. You’re willing to let him explain, and if not, you seem to trust him for his judgement. He loves that. He thrives off validation. But by the rare occasion you do disagree with him, you mostly just poke fun at him. “Doesn’t that seem kinda stupid? Or am I just an asshole? I’m the asshole? Okay, fine.”

He starts obsessing over you. It’s refreshing to be around someone he doesn’t need a social battery for. Alfred is also lonelier than he’d like to admit. He can’t count how many superficial acquaintances he has. You’re an outlier, so he make it clear he’s high-strung about you in a ‘guy best friend’ way. He won’t stop competing with Mathias over everything as a joke. It’s really not. “So, is the husband gonna take you to Field of Screams this weekend, or am I gonna have to?”

He makes his attraction to you glaringly obvious. Alfred doesn’t care to hide it. It starts off subtle, like looking at you when he’s laughing in a group setting. Then, he’ll start gazing your way when you aren’t even paying attention to him. When it gets to that point, he has the balls to hold your waist when he’s around you. When I say he’s an expert at playing things off, I mean it.

That’s when he starts scheming. He will match his schedule with yours and sabotage Mathias’s. You start seeing him more during the work week, not knowing it was his doing. Alfred will catch you in the break room every day, making sure to get in every ounce of interaction there is.

What gets him to blow his cover is jealousy. And not from the third-wheeling he’s already doing. That, he can keep a lid on. But telling him you hope to have a baby soon? With your husband?Alfred will turn red in the face and lose his composure. His reaction is visceral, rambling about why you shouldn’t, that it’ll ruin your career, that kids aren’t economic, and any other bullshit reason he can come up with on the spot.

“You’re too young,” He laughs breathily. He’s already rubbing you the wrong way, but he drives the stake in with this comment. “And plus, do you really wanna have a baby with that guy? I mean, look at him—”

You slap him right across the face.

His head turns in the direction of your hand. He falls silent, his smile gone. That’s the end of your friendship. But to him, it’s the start of something else. And it isn’t half as holy as what you have with Mathias. Or what anyone has, for that matter.

“What, do you hate me now? Just say it and I’ll leave you alone.” Alfred gives you a side-eye.

“I really want to hate you.” You fume, wrapping your arms around yourself. Your voice is hushed to hide the hurt in it. “You’re an asshole. But I just want you to apologize, even if I shouldn’t talk to you again.”

“Fine. I’m sorry.”

When you argue

Alfred is manipulative. He victimizes himself or over-exaggerates to make it seem like something is not his fault. “I’m sorry for giving my opinion. I was just trying to be honest,” or “Great. Now I’m the bad guy.” are typical responses when you confront him. He hates being confronted. He will do anything to avoid the blame, even if it means pinning it on you. He never admits he’s wrong.

He needs to have the last word in an argument. He will go back and forth with you for hours if he has to. He only ever stops when you give up, meaning you storm out on him. He’s knocking on your door, pleading to work this out with you. Shut him out all you want, he’ll force himself into the room. “Babe, just hear me out. I’m sorry for being an asshole—wait, don’t lock the door—you locked the door. You know I have keys, right?”

If you’re crying, he turns gentle and affectionate. Kissing, hugging, whispering how sorry he is for hurting your feelings. Alfred then makes it up to you with a romantic dinner, a movie night, or flowers. Even then, he still won’t double-down. He only feels bad for making you cry, not for the point he’s making. Egocentric is his middle name. He thinks his opinions are always right, and can’t see things from another perspective.

Psychology

He has a sense of entitlement like no other. Being close to him will give him the confidence to do anything. He will go from a friend to a homewrecker pretty fast. Why? Because he can. It comes from his undying belief that you’ll always forgive him. That you like him enough to let everything he does slide. And he won’t think twice to take advantage of your soft spot for him.

He has a major superiority complex. Alfred loves what he is—his intelligence, charisma, and wit. He also believes he’s far better for you than Mathias is. What he has with you is more special, and he’s dying on that hill. “You can be with him in another life” is bullshit. Fuck that. Having a husband won’t stop him from chasing you, let alone your rejection. You just need to give him some time. You’ll warm up eventually.

He’s mastered the art of seduction. Once he admits his attitude is out of jealousy, he will try and get you to give in to him. If he can kiss you, or better yet, get you to have sex with him, your marriage will be over. He’ll have you all to himself. “I didn’t want you to have his baby because I want you to have mine. Okay?”

Alfred is very traditional. He loves the idea of having a nice big house in the suburbs. He has a thing for kids too, so it’s no wonder why he freaked out so much in the first place. He’s also happy to play along with gender roles, however obsolete they are. He wants to be the provider. That’s one thing he mentions to persuade you to dump Mathias and marry him instead.

He’s obsessed with his image. Alfred needs to look like a perfect poster boy to compensate for everything he’s thinking about doing, or what he’s already done. Being admired is a coping mechanism for him to be at peace with himself. He’s deluding himself that he’s a good person. There’s a practicality of a good reputation too—he can avoid any and all suspicion.

What’s unique about him is that he never ‘snaps’. He retains a level-headedness throughout, even while doing the most unsound things. Making threats, stalking, you name it. He can look Mathias straight in the eye and say, “I’ll kill you,” before smiling and playing it off as a joke. It’s not. He’s already thinking about how he’s gonna do it.

He feels no empathy for his victims. There’s a ‘necessity’ in his actions, and he refuses to think they’re really just violent impulses. He associates aggression with unrefined criminals, which he feels he’s above. He’s too clever and classy to be a criminal. He’s too ‘in control’ of himself. Alfred could be the most dangerous out of all the prisoners behind bars, but he’d get pretty pissed being treated like the same—like an animal.

He’s a true-blue psychopath. It’s hard to gauge how much love he’s capable of, but his obsession with you goes without saying. Keeping you in his grasp is all he can care about. Controlling how the world sees him will make sure of that. Killing anybody in his way is just maintenance. There’s a satisfying finality of death, the absolute silence of possible witnesses. His victims will never get him caught if they’re in the trunk of his car. The soil in his garden. When they let out their last breath, all they see is the million-dollar smile that everyone fell for. It’s a final display of power, a cruel reminder that he will never be caught.

His first target is your unassuming husband. The trigger is simple—your plans to start a family with him. Alfred needs to get rid of him before that happens. He will study his schedule before following him in his car. When Mathias is alone, he will sneak up from behind and hit him in the back of his head with a bat. Alfred will pack his body in his trunk like he’s packing for Summer.

He’ll comfort you while you’re grieving your husband’s sudden disappearance. When you’re anxious in the middle of the night, he’s more than happy to talk to you over the phone. Alfred is now closer to you than ever, and makes it a habit to swing by and keep you company. What he can’t change is how you feel about Mathias. He’s long dead and gone, but your love for him is undying. Sometimes, you might even cry about how much Alfred reminds you of him.

That’s how he comes up with this: impersonating and replacing your late husband. An opportunity comes along when you get in a car accident. Alfred rushes to the hospital to see you, only for the doctor to inform him of the brain trauma you endured. You have retrograde amnesia; you can’t remember major details about your life. Not your friends, family, or a Mathias Densen being in your life. Alfred would be a fool if he didn’t take advantage of that. He will sit by your bedside and lie that he’s your husband, the Mr to your Mrs.

Home life

Alfred is a con artist. Not only will he convince you of your new marital status, he’ll get rid of any evidence of Mathias being in your life. He’ll photoshop his face out of your pictures and replace it with his own. It’s easy to do because they look similar. Then, he shows it to you to ‘refresh’ your memories of him. You’re sitting in your hospital bed, bonding with him over events that never happened. Not with him, anyway. “And these—” He flips through a photo book before wiping his eyes. “—these are our wedding photos. They’re really, really pretty, I know. We rented out a National park and everything.”

He takes you ‘home’ to the middle of nowhere. The house is a huge, rustic, and gorgeous manor in the mountains, i.e., miles away from your next door neighbor. It’s the perfect getaway for fresh air, quiet, and enjoying the wilderness. Alfred can live the life he’s always idealized, and with the woman he’s idealized it with. He won’t have to worry about anybody finding you here, either. “Once you get a little better, we can try out the pool. It’s heated.” He grins, turning to you with a spatula in hand. You’re sitting in the patio while he barbecues some meat. As for the apron, it’s a bright pink one with ‘kiss the cook’ on it. And you do, thanking him for how sweet he’s being.

He’s a dedicated husband. Alfred is incredibly sensitive to your mood, and will do anything to keep you comfortable. He has no problem going to work, doing the chores and being there for you when you need him, especially while you recover. You worry you’re not doing enough, but he always assures you otherwise. All he wants is for you to get used to moving around on your own. Deep down, he knows that having you is more than what he deserves. Being the perfect hubby is almost like his redemption for what he did.

He works on himself. He can’t ruin what he has with you, so he tries to mellow out his more undesirable traits—narcissism, apathy, etc. Alfred will go to therapy for it. Separating from him isn’t on the table. Ever. What are people gonna say when you tell them you divorced a man you never married? What is Alfred gonna do when they tell you about your real husband? Keeping you happy is his number one priority, and he’ll feel good while doing it.

Alfred manages all your affairs. You don’t know where everything is, all your files, documents, and important passwords. You don’t ‘remember’ them, apparently. But that’s no problem. He can handle it. He becomes the more dominant one in the relationship, being responsible for the bills and bureaucratic side of things. There’s nothing you can do without asking him first, but it never feels restricting, or demeaning for that matter. He’s always kind about it, doing things for you and taking the lead, so you feel protected.

He’s very sensual. Alfred values the physical aspect of the relationship, and, of course, the time he spends with you. He loves taking you on long walks where he can just hold your hand and ramble about all the animals he wants to find. Deer, chipmunks, even butterflies. He loves it when you take off his glasses just to kiss him. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to look for animals anymore. “Wanna go home and kiss in the pool?”

He likes sleeping in on Sundays. That gives you the chance to get up and make breakfast for him. Alfred is a pretty heavy sleeper, but it doesn’t take long for him to wake up when you’re not next to him. He will get out of bed, throw on a robe, and saunter into the kitchen with the worst bed head of the century. While you’re frying up some pancakes, he will hug you from behind. “Can you put in some chocolate chips for mine?” Alfred mumbles, squeezing you tighter. You ask him to let go of you so you can get it for him, and he’ll just change his mind on the spot. “Nah.”

He has to be in the same room as you. The house is pretty damn big, but it doesn’t feel like a home when he can’t be with you. If you’re folding laundry in the bedroom, he will walk in, flop onto the bed, and clack away on his laptop. If you’re watching TV when he comes home from work, he will put his head on your lap and take a nap. Alfred is clingy when he’s tired, but who doesn’t sleep better when they’re around loved ones?

He’s the most affectionate when he wakes up in the morning. Not only is he comfortable in bed, he’s turned on by your smell. You’ve been under the covers with him for hours, so your scent is the strongest now. Alfred will cuddle you for a good hour or so, kissing you until you memorize the taste of his tongue. He also has to deal with morning wood, so morning sex becomes a bit of a routine. It’s the first thing on the menu, after all.

Not a month goes by before you find out you’re pregnant. Either from him, or Mathias. You think it’s Alfred’s. Alfred doesn’t know that, though. But it’s not like he’s gonna check. A paternity test could potentially be evidence for his crimes. Either way, it doesn’t matter. He’s excited to be a father, and there’s nobody else out there that can claim the baby is theirs. The baby will look like him too, so it won’t make much of a difference.

He’s happy, you’re happy, and Mathias has germinated into a flower. There’s a pretty patch of daisies in the backyard, which you see Alfred tending to every now and then. He’s picked up gardening as a hobby ever since he moved here.

“I didn’t know you liked flowers,” You comment mindlessly, staring into the yard from the balcony. The daisies sway lightly to the breeze, and you stand watch. He’s hugging you from behind, kissing your head and cheek. “They look really nice, by the way.”

“Nice enough to not be dug up, I hope.”

“Why would I dig up something you planted?”

“You wouldn’t.” Alfred smiles. “You wouldn’t.”

[scarredwoods]

Since Leo is your favorite obviously lol! What’s your opinion on Raph for 03 and 12

Haha, so fun fact, Raph actually used to be my favorite until Leo took over first place when I got older

Out of all the turtles, Raph became one of my first fictional crushes (plus one of my gay awakenings) when I was a kid, but I'll gladly still answer that question

(Warning, it's a bit long and has episode spoilers)

I was born in 2004, but I did grow up with 03 because I found all the episodes free on YouTube one day and continuously binge watched them while also watching 2012 at the same time. While I resonated with Leo a lot now because of the oldest sibling syndrome, Raph was the one who captured my young little heart with how cool he was.

12Raph: He's a sassy fucker who won't waste an opportunity to say something snippy towards one of his brothers. 1st episode immediately showed that when Leo was talking out loud so Snake could hear them talking. Although Raph followed his lead, he couldn’t help himself but make fun of him during the interaction and put the blame on Leo on how Snake got away. He's a very fleshed out character with multiple flaws that all tie together with his character. Despite the discussion of his anger issues having their own episodes, sometimes I wish the writers actually had Splinter show him or give him private lessons on how to control his anger instead of having everyone around him tell him that he needs to control it and how it's getting in the way of their team/mission. Sure Splinter gave him a breathing exercise, but that was a bout it, and Raph barely ever uses it in the show.

Thankfully, the show didn't make it seem like anger was his only personality and made an effort to show the audience that he had a kind and softer side using the animals around him like Spike, the roof pigeons, and Chompy. Also, Raph getting a girlfriend and Mona Lisa coming back was one of the best decisions the writers ever did. To me, they are the definition of ship so good, even the gays love it. I love Mona Lisa to death, and I love her relationship with Raph. They are truly meant for each other. *chefs kiss*

Overall, I give 12Raph 8.5/10, the writers giving Raph a bug phobia was so funny bit very fitting that tough guy like him is afraid of a tiny bug

03Raph: Where do I start. Obviously, gotta start with the obvious and put out how sassy he is. This guy will not hesitate to make a sarcastic comment even in the most dangerous of situations. I see it as his personal comedic relief. Yeah, he has a short temper, everyone knows that, but he only lashes it out to people his age or older people he knows can take it. But when it comes to little kids and animals, he'll be patient for as long as he needs to. It's clear that his tough guy persona is a shield to protect himself from all backlash of being a mutant turtle in a human populated place where he knows he will never be accepted. Yet when he finds people who do, he puts the shield down and lets himself let loose. The obvious example of this is with the old lady who mistook him for the neighbor's son. Yeah, Raph needed to get away from the purple dragons, but he could've easily left once the coast was clear. Instead, he stayed and helped the old lady and took the time to enjoy his break from the shield. He even came back to give her a briefcase filled with money after hearing how she was losing her apartment.

The guy loves his family and even drops the shield during moments where he thinks he's about to lose one o le if something serious happens to them. He was even one of the first people to notice Leo changing because of how similar he was acting to himself.

A thing that the writers did a good job here is during the episode when they addressed his anger issues (after almost bashing Mikey with a pipe) and finally resolved it in the end, the character development stuck with him. Which I'm really glad. Cause honestly, it's tiring when shows show that a character is getting better from something, only for it to be forgotten in the next episode.

Overall, this Raph gets a 9/10, especially because I love it when he laughs

Sorry if this was long, but I love yapping when someone gives me the opportunity to. If you have any more questions for me, please ask, I'll answer all :)

[ananke-xiii]

Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of "work" in spiritual journeys. When I first read Gurdjieff years ago I was taken aback by the fact that he equals transforming and knowing onself to actual work. I was like, no, it's not possible, work is work, spirituality has nothing to do with it. And I was fucking wrong.

Even just LEARNING about the tools one MIGHT use to start THINKING ABOUT evolving on a spiritual level is exhausting. It's work work work work. It's punching the clock. It's discipline and energy and time spent on studying and listening and meditating and doing other practices. It requires EFFORT. Tons and tons of it. It can be tiring. You will be tempted to stop many times because it's not gonna be pretty. It will get worse before it gets better. You'll cry a lot. More than you can even imagine. Your dreams will be vivid and you'll start experiencing reality in a different way. And people will abandon you and you will abandon people. And then you'll cry some more.

So yeah. Gurdjieff was right. It IS work. A different kind where you don't work for your boss or your clients or the state or whatever. You work for your soul. With your soul. To meet and say hi. And it takes your everything.

I'm not saying something new here but it became clear after maybe one WHOLE year that this kind of work is not compatible with the "8h of work, 8h of play, 8h of sleep" mentality. Ofc, this mentality doesn't even apply under "normal" circumatances so it shouldn't even come as a surprise. And as I said, I'm not discovering a new continent here: the "otium" vs "negotia" debate is as old as Western civilization as we (like to) know it.

To further complicate matters let's imagine that what many spiritual teachers have been telling us is true: humankind is stuck. Its evolution has stopped. Collectively we have managed to reach the third chakra. And we've not even been particularly successful at that. Therefore the key is to work in order to evolve and reach the fourth chakra. The heart chakra.

Symbolically I think this is why society is so in love with the idea of Love, cause that's the goal and we've been trying to reach it for millennia and failing (because we are looking for an object, any object, to love and that's not the point, the point is always. always the connection with others).

But the thing is.

The thing I've realized today is.

To BE ABLE to Love. To be in a condition where Love comes easily. Where Love flows from you effortlessly. To be able to open your heart.

You need rest.

And fucking tons of it.

Rest not just as in "sleeping" but as in "being in a relaxed state". Which is a flexible state. A state where lines can be more easily crossed and bridges are not needed cause lands touch each other and oceans meet and greet. A state where connections can happen.

(now I understand why one of my teachers recommended TWO naps per day. A crazy thought for me until I tried to take at least ONE. Life-changing experience. Also: not feasible)

To be able to Love Like That, rest is necessity. All "The Work" , all the effort you put in lead to that. We NEED to learn to fucking rest.

And so we're back to square one. "The Work" and "work" seem to be incompatible. Because what "The Work' teaches is basically how to rest your mind. What "work" does is instruct your mind to see life as divided into different time-slots: there's a time for duty and a time for rest and they are separate and must be kept as such (even if it's not factually possible because the 8-8-8 rule is an ideal and not a reality). There's no flow, no flexibility, only separation.

And because rest is a necessity in order to open the fourth chakra, one might almost say that taking the time to know oneself is an endeavor that's only possible for the people who have the means to do so. People who can make the choice of not "working" for a great variety of reasons. Still, people who HAVE THE POSSIBILITY to choose.

After all, in ancient Rome otium was something that only the aristocracy could afford.

So: even if the whole world benefits if only ONE person puts in the effort to know themselves, it will not be enough for a collective evolution. 'Cause it's the "collective" bit that's missing.

That is to say that "work" as it's currently conceived in our patriarchal capitalist fascist society ACTIVELY works AGAINST the opening of our collective heart chakra.

The "constant growth" idea was already laughable and counterintuitive but under this light it is finally shown as a big fat lie and a great danger.

So what can we - normal people needing actual jobs - do if we want to open our heart?

I don't have a solution. I can only share what I've been doing and what I was taught which is:

do something (meditation, practices, reading etc) every day for at least 2 minutes. It's a very small amount of time to dedicate to oneself and go inwards. It's also not a daunting task: it's interstitial, in-between all these ideal 8-8-8 hours, it's a promethean act of rebellion but even better cause it's small, undetectable, unpunishable.

don't drink alcohol, don't eat meat, avoid sugary stuff: I didn't believe it to be true and I understand the recoil because I suffer(ed) from a lot of issues related to food and alcohol. But yeah. It helps. A lot. These are some of the most rebellious acts we can do today.

pay attention: observe yourself and your surroundings. If you're unsure, don't say yes or no; say you'll think about it. don't talk or TALK LAST. listen listen listen and listen. Silence is one of the most powerful tools we have.

spend time in nature: which just means pay attention to nature around you. we live in nature, there's no separation. even in the greyest city you are IN nature. You can see the grey clouds. You can hear the rain or the wind. There will be a tree or even one patch of grass somewhere. An insect. A bird. A rat. Roads and buildings are made out of mountains and rocks etc. Water comes out when you turn on the tap.Just observe these things and listen: there are stories to hear.

breathe breathe breathe breathe! pay attention to your breathing. there are many free resources online or even apps that can teach breathing techniques. Maybe it will be uncomfortable at first but you just need to do it for 2 minutes, remember?

this isn't how I started. I took a different route and it took me more than 5 years to realize it was actually this simple. It's simple but it isn't EASY, I know. However, it actually works because these are small ways to reclaim our time as ours and be present in it. Actually living it. Two minutes of meditation there, a little tree-watching here, some shutting up and listening over there, drink more water etc: tiny acts of connection everyday until one day you realize that the door to your heart was always open for you. You just wasn't aware of it.

[castielmode]

ROMANCE. UNDER THE CUT

Dean wakes up to Cas joining him on his mattress on the floor.

"Sorry," Cas says. "I'm getting tired again, and every other place to lie down is occupied. Jody and Garth are outside keeping watch."

He knows that. Linda's on one couch, and Kevin is asleep on one of the camp chairs he put close to the fireplace. He's got two books in his lap, one open on top of the other, and a pencil still loosely held in his left hand. At least he won’t be cold, even if he is gonna fuck up his back sleeping like that. Then again, he’s eighteen. Maybe he’ll wake up fresh as a goddamn daisy. Dean knows Sam is in the bedroom because he sent him there when it looked like he was about to keel over. Charlie jokingly bitched about not getting the bed, but Dean told her it was Sam's because he’s sick and he needs to lay his gigantic body out. Charlie's on the other couch with a beanie and three blankets. She gets cold easily.

It's so quiet in the room, with everyone asleep but Dean. It's not eerie, but it is weird. He's never been very comfortable in the woods, where you can't hear anything but the animals that you don't have to worry about. Cas settling onto the air mattress makes that creaking noise that air mattresses make at the slightest move. He breathes out slow and heavy as he lets his muscles relax. The mattress complains some more.

“You’re getting tired a lot.” Dean says.

“Yeah.” Cas is much better at whispering these days, Dean thinks absently. Used to be he didn’t care who or what heard him when he spoke. “I don’t think a seraph is supposed to have this tablet. It might be -- not intended, but more suited to other angelic orders.”

“What does that mean for you?”

Cas shrugs, flat on his back, fully dressed on the left side of Dean’s bed. Poor bastard doesn’t even have a pillow. There’s an extra one Dean threw over to the side that’s left from Charlie’s earlier nap, because she likes holding onto something when she sleeps. She seems to have decided to go without it this time round, so Dean tugs it closer, motions for Cas to lift up, places it under his head. Cas says, “I don’t know. It could be detrimental, it could have no effect once I’m no longer in contact with it, it could have a long-term effect on my grace for better or worse -- there’s no precedent. I don’t think anyone’s put a tablet inside of their vessel before.”

“Yeah, you little original thinker, you.” Cas glares, but it’s kind of a low-effort version. Dean laughs at him, quiet as the woods outside. He’s gotta ask, though. “You gonna take care of yourself, Cas?”

Cas looks at him. “Like you?”

“No, man,” Dean looks back. Cas smirks, just a bit, smug. Dean thinks of the second time he ever saw him, in Bobby’s kitchen, blue and silver in the night and confident with all of heaven’s might and his own convictions behind him. He was fucking scary back then. Now he changes clothes and needs to sleep and shower, and somehow, he still gets this light in his eyes sometimes and he's terrifying. Even now. He's not even doing anything. Dean lets himself take a deep breath and act like he’s not scared of his best friend. “Okay, all right. Splinters and beams, okay, I get it. I’m just saying, you should. ‘Cause you’re not gonna let us do it.”

“Dean --”

“You could, you know.” Cas looks away, which doesn’t matter, exactly, but - “Me and Sam, we’re not that bad at it.”

Frowning at the ceiling, Cas says, “Is this a... a family thing?”

“Family, friends, allies -- yeah, man, any way you slice it, it’s our job, and you’ve earned it.” Dean doesn’t know what he’s trying to get across here, but it’s crucial that he does. He keeps his voice quiet. “You just gotta let us do it.”

For a while, Dean is sure Cas has fallen asleep, but then he says, “So, if we’re family, that means that I get to take care of you, too.”

Dean’s throat clicks on the swallow. “Yeah. Sure, man. Whatever you want.”

The quiet stretches and looms, until Cas says, decisive and still in that low voice -- "All right."

And then Cas does go to sleep, and Dean stays awake for at least another hour and a half trying to figure out what the fuck they actually said to each other before the crackling fire and the relief of having everyone under the same roof finally puts him back to sleep.

[notallfay]

So my twister portable stool arrived through the post today, and I wanted to share some first thoughts with you. I got it because I have CFS/ME and needing a place to rest and not being able to find one can be an issue for me.

I think it's a little bit bigger, and a bit heavier than I expected. So I don't think it would easily fit in a rucksack like I originally thought. It would go in one, but would take up most of it. So I don't think I'll be using it casually. I can think of situations where I'd like to have it though.

The locking system takes a little bit more effort than a simple twist. But if you make sure it's locked in, it does seem to hold no problem. A lot of people asked me about stability, and I don't think it's any less stable that a similar stool. It does not wabble or anything like that. It has a spring inside the whole centre. So it does go down easier once you start to slide to unlock. It does support my weight though and I'm reasonably heavy.

I think it getting bigger towards the bottom helps with stability, it weighing more might make it a bit more solid too. So I think it will be okay for my needs in that way, but I don't have balance issues most of the time. I really loved the height of the stool though. I have a lot of trouble getting up if things are too low down.

I'm not the tallest person, but I think someone a bit taller than me wouldn't be getting low to sit either.

I'm not fond of the strap. It's thin width wise so it's not going to be as nice as something like a rucksack or a messager bag or anything like that. Also it only has velcro in one spot. Even though the strap is adjustable.

So I think the strap does add to me not being able to use it super casually. Since I do think I am going to notice it, and get tired carrying it because of my CFS/ME.

It being available in rainbow is a bonus too, because honestly we should be allowed to have fun with these! I might add stickers to the seat too, because why not.

But it was only about £15 GBP, so for the price I'm overall happy with it. Even though I won't be able to use it loads. I think it will be much needed relief when I do use it though.

I hope this helps people, because I think it might be good for some peoples needs.

[afriendlyenigma]

Autistic Tips for Getting Enough Sleep

If you are anything like me, getting enough sleep (both in terms of length and quality) can feel impossible when you are autistic. Ironically, being under slept makes it even harder to deal with the challenges of everyday life caused by the sensory differences, executive functioning issues etc. that go along with being autistic, that can ultimately lead to burnout.

Luckily, there ARE things you can do to help. Here is a list of things that I and other autistic people have found helpful:

Maintain consistent sleep/waking times as much as possible - Autistic people generally thrive from routines. If you aren't in a consistent sleeping pattern it will take some effort to get into the habit, so be gentle with yourself at first. Everyone's natural circadian rhythms are different, so experiment to figure out what works best for you (obviously if you work different shift patterns, have young kids etc. this might not be possible every single night).

Ensure your environment is optimal for sleep - Towels or clothes can help block out light, or use an eye mask. If noise if an issue, make sure windows and doors are closed, or try ear plugs or white noise machines. Think about your bedding, too - make sure the bedclothes aren't scratchy or irritating, that your mattress and pillows are supportive enough, or try weighted blankets, or toys that play soft sound (like this one). Clutter can also disturb some people, so it may be time for a clear out!

Reduce tech/blue light before bed - these days, a lot of people are in the habit of scrolling on their phone/watching Netflix etc. during their free time in the evening. However, it's easy to get sucked in for hours, way past the time you meant to be going to bed, keeping yourself awake and overstimulating your brain. This is a hard habit to break but it is totally worth it. You could decide not to look at your phone/TV after a certain time, at least an hour before you want to fall asleep. Switch your phone into bedtime mode, or get one of the apps that create a minimalist interface to reduce how stimulating it is (like this one). Most phones/laptops have timers and wellbeing features built in to help with this. I know some people who have gotten a old fashioned alarm clock because they know even looking at their phone to set an alarm will tempt them to scroll.

Wind down with something relaxing - to further the previous tip, try to find a gentle, low stake activity to do to help quieten your mind. Reading can be good, but only if you are sure you won't be tempted to stay up all night finishing the book! Options to try are puzzles, knitting/sewing/embroidery, meditation, colouring in and journaling. Avoid anything that gets your heart rate up, so no exercise within a few hours of bedtime!

What you do during your waking hours can impact how well you sleep at night. Getting regular exercise (even if it's just a daily walk/ whatever activity you are physically able to do) helps your body be physically tired at night, allowing you to fall asleep more easily. Daily fresh air helps regulate your circadian rhythms, so your body knows to actually feel tired at bedtime. Your diet can also play a role - try to eat reasonably healthily so you get all the nutrients you need, and avoid sugar, alcohol and caffeine close to bedtime.

A huge issue for me when I'm trying to fall asleep is anxiety/worry. Things swirl round and round my head, imagining worst case scenarios in vivid detail. If you are stressed or anxious a lot during the day (like a lot of autistic people are), this can make it more difficult to fall asleep at night. Exercise, fresh air and a good diet as mentioned in he previous tip will help, but there are things you can do to help with the mental aspect. Relaxation exercises (here are some to try), journaling, therapy or sharing your worries with someone you trust are some ideas. Remember that issues always seem much at night - if thinking about something is keeping me from sleeping, I write it on a piece of paper and shut it in a drawer to deal with the next day.

Be prepared to negotiate with others and assert your boundaries - I'm aware that the ability to enact a lot of this advice depends on a number of factors which may or may not be within your control. For example, my sister likes to shower late at night (like midnight onwards) whilst playing music, which I can hear in my bedroom. If someone else's behaviour is keeping you awake, communicate your needs clearly and calmly and try to work out a solution together. It can be difficult when you live in close proximity to others and are conflict avoidant, but if you don't put your needs first, there's no guarantee anyone else will! If asking by yourself is too much, ask someone you trust to advocate for you. Have a think about what factors are within and out with your control, and which you may be able to influence by communicating your needs/enforcing your boundaries (try this template to organise your thoughts). You may be pleasantly surprised about how much control you have!

I hope there is something in there that will help you! Improving sleep is often not a quick process, so don't beat yourself up if it takes longer than expected. Autistic people have different needs than neurotypicals, so don't let anyone make you feel like you are wrong for prioritizing your own health. Once you are well rested, your ability to use your neurodivergent strengths will improve!

One last thing - problems sleeping can indicate an underlying health problem, so if you have any other symptoms such as headaches, gastro-intestinal issues etc, or if your mental health is having a detrimental effect on your quality of life, make sure you see a healthcare provider.

[most-definitively-a-human]

Question. Is this medium support needs

Feel alienated from lots of online autistic creators. Focus on social struggle and work and masking. Personally talk to people online without masking much, don't work because I can't, seem to make friends easily but don't understand social cues (I just operate on the assumption that people are well intentioned and also that everyone is an individual so what is most kind and respectful to them varies so listen to them and get to know them well and this seems to have worked very well?)

Just. Have issues I have not seen people talk about. Understand why since it is difficult to articulate if you have a brain similar to mine so that is why I don't see things I relate to that often.

Examples: if I get stressed and can't do a hobby for a while, hobby often gets stressful. I haven't watched anything on TV for a month so now I am panicked at the idea of finishing watching Arcane. No longer relaxing. Have to put in effort to keep fun things fun.

Other example: am sound sensitive to the point where the sound of my breathing can distress me so I wear noise cancelling headphones inside of my flat which is usually on the quiet side because I need to.

Other: bad sounds cause me to freeze and I cannot move voluntarily if they last long enough. I wanted to go the park to escape construction work but I couldn't change clothes and just lay on the floor in a weird position.

Other: obvious concepts just do not appear to me. I have a bad memory so can't give obvious examples. I schedule delivery and it needs to be fifty pounds to avoid surcharge. This means I run out of fresh stuff before I run out of food. For years I just ran out of food and my solution was buy frozen veg to have fresh-ish things and never once did I think about going to a nearby store as a feasible option even when I was aware it existed. Things can exist but I do not really understand or take note of them.

Most of the time it feels like I'm just borrowing concepts from when I was coherent and doing my best with a mind that doesn't understand what it understood an hour ago. Very frustrating.

Really hope I can finish my book with Asran in it. (Semiverbal and autistic, some experiences similar, nice to have a protagonist not completely alien and always a challenge to write like the others.) Hopefully would make people feel less alone in the world.

Just. Thoughts individually coherent but no connection no flow and even then often chaotic and not individually coherent? Annoyed.

Does this sound like medium support needs? Seem to relate to medium support needs people most but don't want to use a term before I'm sure it's accurate.

Usually don't share thoughts when like this which is most of the time. Usually only talk when coherent. Or just share short snippets/scripts.

If you read this far thank you for reading hope you have a wonderful day. The wonderful day wishes also apply to you even if you did not read all of it as it is rather a lot.

Too tired to edit. Love you have a great day

[okimargarvez]

THE GOOD AND THE RIGHT

Original title: The good and the right

Prompt: what if after 16x6.

Warning: spoiler for 16x6.

Genre: romantic, angst.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez, JJ, Tyler Green (mentioned).

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot 85 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏😘. Song mentioned: Addio mio amore, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

Note: this is dedicated to @thinitta. I know that my opinion about Tyler is unpopular, right now, but I don't hate him. He can't be the reason to not get garvez. Our ship is stronger than that. I want to inform you on this, because it reflects on the story, obviously. But don't worry, Tyler is just a name, here.

THE GOOD AND THE RIGHT

I wish someone would explain to me why good intentions can so easily result in complete disasters. I messed all up, but for real, this time. I only realized it when I got back to my apartment and found Tyler waiting for me... Inside my bed. He was awake, he was smiling. I managed to avoid his kiss I don't even know how. I told him I was tired, one of the most banal excuses ever, but in reality, it was partially the truth, because in one day I experienced too many emotions. The fear for JJ and Luke, being emotional support for Tyler, looking after both him and the case…

It was nice to feel understood, deeply understood, but it doesn't justify what happened. I just... I didn't think at the time, it just seemed like the right thing to do to keep him on the straight and narrow. Probably losing myself, meanwhile.

Too bad that something even more terrible happened right during the kiss. Well, it depends on your point of view. I thought it could be Luke. And it's not completely absurd, because he tried to do the same, three years ago, during our first and only date. But I ran away, like I did with Tyler the first time. And I told Luke that I understood that it would be better to stay friends, because I didn't feel ready for a relationship, I was going through too many changes and... That's it. That time too it was half a lie, half a truth. Luke made an effort to sound sympathetic and less pained than he actually was. But I saw it through his eyes. Still, it didn't change my mind.

Luke... I felt his gaze on me throughout the discussion. He's not stupid, he sensed something, surely that the noise was neither feline nor Bigfoot. When I left I avoided him like a plague victim. But he had made a joke, asking me if Sergio was still hungry and I couldn't lie to him again.

Now I'm in my former office. I managed to dodge the others, arriving very early. Especially him... Because I know his schedule perfectly and how I wish it weren't like that. Now he must be taking a shower, after his usual morning run, alone. Roxy is getting old, and he struggles every day with the fear of losing her. I feel an excruciating pain in my chest, so I force myself to think of something else, but there's no way, my mind always goes there.

Oh Luke, if only I were less of a coward... You deserve better, a more normal, more stable person who can make you feel at ease, if not happy. Someone that may it not add anxieties to the ones you already fight against on a daily basis.

At least it helped me to understand that I will never get over it. Whatever may happen. I will never stop being in love with Luke Alvez, but I will never be able to love him. Because falling in love and love are not the same thing at all. The first one just happens, there's nothing you can do about it, your head in the clouds, you're acting like an idiot. While for the second you have to work hard, put a lot of effort into it. And you have to see each other as real people, jumbles of flaws and not as gods come down to earth.

Someone knocks on my door. I pray it's not him. It can't be him. It's too soon for anyone. And Tyler? But no, I forbid him to be seen. But... I sigh and turn towards the door. -Come in.- I shout, but my voice trembles. I hope whoever is walking in now doesn't notice, but considering it's probably a profiler… I swivel my chair back to the opposite position, my back to the newcomer.

-Hey, Garcia.- my lungs relax for a moment, recognizing the voice, but then I realize I'm actually not out of danger at all. She knows so much…though nothing about my date with Luke. We have mutually agreed (more or less) to not inform the team. It would only lead to heavy doses of embarrassment. She grabs a chair and sets it next to mine. Ouch, it doesn't bode well.

I just take a look at her. -How can I help you, my young friend?- I pretend an enthusiasm that I don't feel at all and naturally she realizes it.

She giggles. -Not so young.- she touches her head and grimaces. -I don't know how long it will take me to fully recover.- I nod. It's so easy to forget what happened just two days ago. In a normal situation they should both stay at home, to rest, to recover. They deserve it. Luke could be spending time with Roxy and…damn it! JJ seems to read both in my eyes and in the pause that weighs between us. -Are you okay?- she takes my hand, looks at me like that and I know I'm screwed. But maybe that was what I wanted too. Let off steam. Free me. And, despite this, I would never have taken the initiative.

I take a breath, once, twice. -Not really.- I show off one of my pre-delusional smiles. She settles better, sensing what is about to happen. -Where do I start?- I ask perhaps more to myself. -Here, at my farewell party, three years ago... you know that I danced almost the whole evening with... Luke?- I swallow to force myself to pronounce that name, which now takes on precise nuances. She nods, but her pupils are already shining. -Before... before our talks he took me aside for a moment and he... asked me out.- she opens her eyes and mouth wide and barely refrains from replying, perhaps fearing that if she interrupted me I would no longer be able to continue and I would have seized the chance. -Well, we went out together…- it's the coup de grace.

-What?!- she squeezes my hands tightly and hugs me. I just hope she doesn't expect I'm about to tell her things like I'm pregnant or that we were been secretely together for past three years. -And you didn't say anything to anyone! To me!- she sounds offended, but in a joking way. -I want all the details, we have to do a girls' night and…- but then she notices my expression, not at all joyful. -Don't tell me you're only telling me now because you two broke up.- I shake my head.

-No. Because we've never been together.- JJ's glance is enough to realize how much she had hoped for us, and not just to laugh at our mutual attitude, jokes and teasing each other. And the others, who knows what they think. She seems unable to conceive that it didn't work out between us.

-But… but…- she stammers. -Why?- she asks the only question that should make sense.

-I… I don't know, it was my fault. I was so happy when he asked me, but then, when I got home, after saying goodbye, I mean the next day… I had a panic attack, a strong, paralyzing one. You know I don't like changes, but it's not just that, it's that…- I shake her hand, looking for the strength I don't feel. -I'm scared, absolutely terrified, of Luke.- she struggles to believe even this statement and I don't know how to explain myself better. -I'm in love with him.- I admit, brutally. -And I'm afraid that if I let myself go completely... and then it goes wrong... I won't be able to get out of it alive, like with Kevin.- I conclude, at least in part, waiting for the reproaches.

-Penelope!- she exclaims, but above all I hear a sweet pain in her voice. -That man could never hurt you, he practically kisses the ground you walk on!- hearing it say from another person is an absurd experience, because it makes everything extremely real and not just vague fantasies based on too many looks . -Seriously, Luke has been in love with you since... well, from the beginning, I think and, I don't know what happened during your date, but... he didn't get over it. If possible, it's even worse. You notice how he looks at you, right? And now I understand why, since you've been back, his attitude seems like a constant courtship. He no longer has reasons to hide.- I nod, biting my lips.

-But this was only the prelude…-she takes the head in her hands, signaling me to continue. Luckily, we both arrived ahead of schedule.

-

And we walk, we walk, with the dull sun and the fire in my face and if I answered you now, with my threatening love, nothing would be left of you, perhaps two tears and then dust and then the most ruthless emptiness, which I have tolerated until now

I lost her. That song keeps telling me, I can't get rid of. And I don't even know where the hell I first heard it. Maybe I made it up, maybe it's a consequence of the head trauma from being blown up. Pain in ribs and arm weren't enough. But I would bear any suffering, if I could have her in my arms again, perhaps without JJ, however much I love her too. It would be better not to think about it, because it only adds pain to pain, but I cannot continue down this path.

I need to know if I've got it right or if I've just made a mind trip. Why didn't she want to say who she was with when she had that brilliant insight? Why was it about Tyler Green's sister and why hadn't she shared that information about her with us? Unless she had just acquired it… from a... personal source. But if it was just that, if she just talked to that guy again… no, something in her manner, in her eyes, told me there was so much more at stake. And considering the weird noise we heard, decidedly masculine…

I have to say it, at least mentally. She was almost certainly with Green. At her apartment. And then they walked out, ended up right where Alison worked, and Garcia's lightbulb went on. I'm forced to think of her by her last name, because her name makes me think of the woman I'm in love with and that I hoped so much she could reciprocate me even just 10%. I know it's wrong, that it wouldn't be a healthy love, but after 7 years I've lost hope that anything on my part can change.

In all this time I have had another relationship, but she has always remained there, free, available. I had expected this day to come, but I hadn't taken it seriously. As if the two of us had always belonged together, even as I shared my life with Lisa. Another wrong thing. I'll go to hell, but I already knew that.

In any case, I need to know. I want to feel bad. To suffer mortally and water Roxy's fur. I've never cried for a woman, not outwardly, but I know it will happen with her. The elevator doors open. I nod to those who remain on board, I leave my bag on the desk in a rush way and I head with a determined step towards her office. I saw Esther in the parking lot, so I know she's already here. At least she's not with him. Will he be at home with Sergio and the new arrival? Rossi let it slip, even if he later tried to pass it off as a joke.

Tyler Green gave… Garcia a real cat. Not a stupid stress reliever. As a peace offering. To make them collaborate. Damn me, when I supported her in her idea of restoring his memory. When I encouraged her to talk to him again. And I gave him the scepter of most hated by Garcia. Because I thought I could aim for another kind of trophy by now.

Given the way our date went, shouldn't I have resigned myself that nothing will happen between us? No, at all. Because every now and then, even if too rarely, she sends me signals that certainly don't go in the direction of being just friends. If there was a similar kind of relationship between us as she has with other members of the BAU, why show such annoyance at seeing me? Why always keep me aside, as a different discourse, like when she, hugging us, had to underline how happy she was to see our faces again, even mine? And her enthusiasm when I let her know that I didn't give a damn about her "replacements".

No, I can't lose hope, even if that song tries to change my mind.

Goodbye my love, we haven't seen each other... goodbye my love, which side do you see, that splinter in my soul, that arrow in my heart, that I try to tear out every day, while I distract the world with a smile

Here, one more step and here I am. I'm about to knock, not wanting to sneak in, feeling like I have no right, but then my ears pick up voices. There is already JJ. I should go back to my desk and wait before giving it another try, but my legs aren't cooperating. Especially when I hear that name come out of... Penelope's lips.

-…he was drunk, do you know when they called me? It was the police, they had stopped him for a fight, so I ran there and not knowing what to do, I took him to my house...- I almost sighed with relief. Nothing new, just the usual caring Garcia. -But then, in the evening, when he seemed to have recovered, he started telling me about his sister, about what he had felt and I told him about my parents, and... there was like a jolt, between us and him... - I don't I realize how hard I'm clenching my fists until drops of blood wet the floor. -…he tried to kiss me and I snapped like a spring.- I smile, pleased. Well done, my love, that's how it's done. -So I offered him to take a walk and who knew that Alison had worked right there? It wasn't on his file and he hadn't remembered it before. I saw the crossroads and had one of the Reid-esque visions.- they giggle. -So far, so good. I gave him my keys and called a taxi, to run and tell you. - here, I feel the blow coming. -He asked me if he could help and that's when I…- JJ whispers something, but I can't catch the precise words. -I kissed him.- the world shatters, everything falls apart. My legs give way, but holding on to the door, I manage not to fall. I really lost her. I no longer hear a single word of her delirium. It's over. There is another man in her heart. Fuck the convinction we belong to each other and all that bullshit. Fuck the sensation of being special. Fuck looks, hugs, hard-won kisses on the cheek. Fuck dancing and her enthusiasm when I asked her out. If she really wasn't interested in me as a man, why didn't she just tell me? To not make me feel bad? Uh, honey, that's a nice play.

Goodbye my love, but here we die, goodbye my love, goodbye... I didn't want you and I don't want myself, goodbye love, goodbye!

The song was right. Who ever wanted to fall in love! That's why I was fine with Lisa. There were never real stresses, real anxieties. There was no rush to go home, whether she was there or not. The thought of her, after the first date (interrupted by whom? But look if that coincidentally), no longer distracted me during a case. No heartbeat. I cared of her, but it was never love. I've never been in love with her. Also because my heart was already busy. Someone had booked the place for a later date. But I didn't want it, no! I didn't want to be like this, act like a fool, say shit just to get her attention… make up all kinds of excuses just to touch her. Nor have I ever allowed my imagination to go so far, before her.

But inside me, that non-dark part, has always been convinced that if it ever happened to me… everything would be fine. It wouldn't have been a one-sided feeling. That's how I found the courage to ask her out. And I didn't gain anything, not even a poor kiss. Maybe it's better this way, how could I have gone on living afterwards, without being able to savor those lips anymore? Well, that's poet bullshit too, and none of my ex-comrades would believe I could have thought such a thing.

I don't know how long it's been, but suddenly I'm losing strength and everything goes black. Cold, dark.

Instead, it's a strong sensation of warmth that brings me back to the world of the living. And a pleasant tickle. Yellow. I lift my eyelids slowly, I don't want to be blinded by the lights. But it's useless. My view is entirely taken up by Penelope's pale and worried face. Her blonde hair brushes my cheek. -Oh, thank God!- I think I can see tears behind her glasses. I don't have the strength to hope for it. -JJ, he's awake!- I catch her joy and I realize that the other blonde is also at my bedside. I'm on the floor, but my head is resting on the IT's bare knees. On the one hand I wish I could enjoy the moment better, on the other I'm tired to survive with few crumbs.

-Luke!- JJ looks concerned too. -Don't worry, I'm calling for help, it's definitely a consequence of the explosion...- I shake my head. Wrong move.

-No, no!- I whine. I don't recognize my voice. -I'm fine. I just had…- I look at Penelope, who tries to look away from me but in a moment her eyes are prey to mine. Just bullshit? Will the same thing happen to her with Tyler? No, I don't think so. I try to pull myself up. Realizing I'm too stubborn to change my mind, Penelope helps me. She places my arm around her shoulders and with JJ on the other side, they lift me up and lead me to a couch, the only real change since Garcia is no longer IT at the BAU. -Don't call anyone, I'm fine.- I repeat, with a slightly more convincing tone.

JJ sighs. She looks towards the friend. -Keep an eye on him and let me know if you can knock some sense into him!- having said that, she disappears and we are alone. The fact is that I didn't really recover. I have a foggy-headed, that song that torments me with the vision of Garcia that kisses Green. Then I realize that it was not a nightmare, she really said it. It really happened. Maybe I became transparent, because she reads it in my face.

She is sitting in the opposite end of the sofa. -You... you heard, right?- I don't nod, but the answer is in my eyes. -I'm sorry, I did a mess, it's such a wrong thing, I have overcome the demarcation line between work and private life, I didn't do it on purpose, it is...- I am not able to hold one of her ramblings. I stretch the arm and touch the first thing that is on my trajectory. Her knee.

She gasps. -Enough.- I exclaim, in a hoarse voice. Oh no, after passes out I will not whine in front of her. Still, I feel the lump in my throat climb along my body, stop it. -You can't choose who... you ... you fall in love with.- bitter banality. -If you are happy with Green... I am ...- I can't say it. -I would like to be happy for you, but I can't.- here, this is the truth. -Because you deserve the entire universe. I want you to be the happiest person in the world.- two too long sentences. I have to wait a moment to recover breath, she doesn't seem able to replicate anything. -I just wanted... I believed that you would be with me.- and with this I closed.

Penelope looks at me as if I had come out of mind. -Luke, I ... I'm not in love with Tyler!- she looks at me, waiting for a reaction. -You overheard just something.- she concludes.

-In I have not ... overheard.- I deny, trying to find a less vulnerable position, keeping sobs at bay, but I still don't know for how much. I have to leave this room and run home. I have all the good excuses to get a day free. -But if you are not in love with that guy... why did you kiss him?- I thought I finished, instead there is still a lot, too much, that we need to dissect, among us.

She opens her inviting mouth, too often the protagonist of my dreams. -It was a mistake. I wanted to make him feel better, I let myself be taken from the atmosphere...- she makes it too easy. However, I certainly don't expect her next move. -And why you stayed almost three years with Lisa?- the tone is accusing and it's not just my impression.

I approach her on the sofa, consciously or not. -Yeah, because she made me feel good.- Penelope nods.

-She is a good person.- I can't understand how we ended up talking about her.

-Yeah, she does.- I shrug. Another big mistake. A grimace. Tears are about to appear. But she must have approached during the conversation, because few inches separate our bodies.

She has a weird gaze, which scares me. -Exactly. And Tyler Green is also a good guy. You talked to him too. He suffered a great trauma and will have to work a lot to overcome the sense of guilt ...- is she talking about him or herself? -and he has made a lot of wrong choices, but remains a good person.- I just stares at her. -Maybe, in another context, in another life... who knows, it could really work, between us.- this is too much. I will not stay in her former office, in this shape, to hear her talk about her possible love story.

I try to get up and fall down, almost in her arms. -What are you smiling at?- she answers me with her eyes that I just don't have the right to make such a reproach, considering how much I love her smiles. Snort.

-Why didn't work between you and Lisa? And don't say Phil. I never believed it, that it was just for that.- why does she keep to put my ex in the middle? At least the nervous blocked the lump in my throat.

I stare at her. -Because no matter how good she was, she wasn't the right one.- she beats her hands, to underline the last word I pronounced. She leans to me, too much for my tormented heart.

As if she was about to kiss me, but I know it is not so. -Exactly.- she says, convinced. -For me is the same. I know that with Tyler there could be something, but also that it would be wrong, also because, however good he may be, he is not the right one.- silence filled only by the thousand machinery in the room. -And I am sure, because I have already found the right one, and he doesn't want to get out of my head.- I try to drive away the feeling of hope that she is talking about me. But it's too late. -Only that... after what I did ... will he forgive me?- she wouldn't look at me like this, if I wasn't personally involved. But I'm tired of this ambiguity. I need concreteness.

I brush her hand and she allows me. -Who could not do it, Penelope?- I whisper. Our eyes are tangled. Pain in the chest grows. The tears push to free themselves. Time stops and slowed down I see her face approaching. I do the same. Finally our lips merge and nothing else exists. Not even the fact that there is another man at her apartment, almost certainly, full of expectations and hopes.

When we separate Penelope rests her heads between my shoulder and chest, but immediately pulls away, probably fearing to hurt me. I force her to go back there. I caress her back as she vents. -Oh, Luke, please forgive me! I know I hurt you and I never wanted, never! I am so afraid, but no matter how big the fear is, there is no way, I can't stop loving you! Please, even if I don't deserve it, don't leave me!- she is not the only one to cry. The wave of her love overwhelms me, and it was never so beautiful to drown.

I take her face in my hands, with thumbs I dry a few savory drops, ignoring mine. Instead, she realizes my state, but I don't give a damn about not seem a macho. I know she doesn't care. -Shh, Pen, calm down.- I brush her lips in a very short kiss, as further reassurance. -It's okay, I have nothing to forgive you, we were not yet together... unfortunately.- I have chosen the wrong words, because it causes a new waterfall. -Hey, hey.- another little kiss. -Stop it, stop! I love you more than I have ever believed possible and I don't give a damn about the rest.- she seems to finally believe it. -Just... do you think you can promise me that you will not kiss every man or woman that you want to help?- it's half a joke, but she takes it seriously.

-I would never do it!- I nod. It is enough for me. -And you... could you do me a favor?- I wonder what she can ask me. -Can you go to the hospital and get checked out? I don't want to lose you just now that I found you.- I hold her hand so strong that I risk hurting her.

I sigh. -All right. But- peremptory voice -I want to be there when you talk to Tyler. If you don't feel to, I can stay in another room, but I don't let you go alone. I know he is a good guy, but...- she nods. She seems willing to grant me the universe. But I know it is only for today and that the bantering will return tomorrow.

Because that's how we work. Penelope checks her clothes, then cleanses my cheeks from the last tears; she leans over to give me an intense kiss, which worths as a real mutual promise. My hands are looking for hers, and viceversa, they find themselves, they intertwine. -Let's go.-

You were born from the pain that will be stop by time, and fears are about to be born, but we will survive and, love, love is awaiting you... because the eternal is not in a hurry!

[martian-garden]

(Brief content warning for appetite disregulation and talking about eating habits)

So in light of ADHDAlien's cool posts and some of my ADHD friends and family starting college or being newly diagnosed, let me, a whole ass adult (somehow?) with a job, also share what has helped me with my ADHD so far! Conversation time!

Background: I was diagnosed at 7 and prescribed methylphenidate 18mg ER, starting immediately upon diagnosis and having maintained the same dose except for during college, where I scooted up to 20.  I'm very responsive to medication of any kind, and higher doses make me uncomfortable physically, so be aware that this is the babiest of baby doses.  Ritalin has a stronger effect with less intensity than Adderall, and for people who have severe symptoms, Adderall may be the only one that works.

In high school I began doing organizational tutoring to better manage my course load, and that was the single most helpful thing I did, but that may not be accessible to anyone.  So here are some things that I've employed on my own.  They may not be helpful for everyone, but in the event that they are...

-Time is fake, and the sooner you realize it, the more sense it'll make.  We can't connect the current events in our brain to the end result, (usually done via anticipatory dopamine, which is literally what ADHD is: lack of that) and ergo we can't process that 2pm is [_______] from 3pm and we need to get ready at 2:15 or something...  Like what.  That's fake.  The time it takes to complete a task is also fake.  Divide your tasks into days/assign sub tasks based on either 1. necessary order they need completed in, and 2. energy, instead of based on estimated time.  For me that's been far more intuitive.  

-Body Doubling or inviting people over as an external motivator to do a task.  Invite a friend over to motivate yourself to clean your room or make food.  Either bc they show up and help or even just tell you to do it, or bc you want your space to be nice when they've arrived.

-SNACKS.  Eat eat eat!!!  You are hungry, more often than your body will acknowledge!  Small things like fruit snacks or a pack of crackers you can eat slowly, one every few minutes while doing a task are ideal.  Since we have shit anticipatory dopamine, we just have to reward ourselves, and food does an ok job.  That said: be careful with dark chocolate, it can be an appetite suppressant if the cocoa content is high.  Same with caffeine.  My stimulants also make me more sensitive to caffeine side effects.

Also, take snacks with you during the day, because if you're like me, you get tired easily if you don't eat often.  Chocolate milk or drinkable yogurts are great fast energy boosts.  Plus they're fortified with vitamin D, which in my latitude is in short supply.

-In the same vein: Have low effort, high calorie food on hand.  You will have times when you can't summon the energy or get sucked into a hyper focus wormhole and don't have time or spoons to cook.  Frozen dinners/personal pizzas/canned soups... whatever to get meal-quality food into you fast.  If you eat meat, take advantage of cured or preserved meats that last a long time and are harder to let spoil.  Some are stable at room temp, like jerky.  If you don't, peanut butter seems to serve people well (can't relate tho, allergic)

-A lot of this is revolving around food, but ime regular meals and easy foods I can get myself to make and eat is something I struggled and still struggle with a lot.  Prep snacks when you have spoons and time to do so.  Hard boiled eggs before bed.  Make extra portions' worth of rice with your dinner. Anything to have extra calories on hand ASAP.  Also, rice cookers and any kind of automation is a lifesaver.  Just set a timer to remember to get it out later, or pair it with when you're hungry and motivated to get it out and won't forget >.>

-Setting timers. Sucks.  it really does.  but it's better than not setting timers.  If you have a "it's time to leave for class or work" alarm, make sure you have everything packed and you're dressed BEFORE the alarm goes off.  With time blindness, that can be hard, but we do typically process abstract "x BEFORE y", just not "15 minutes before y".  Switching from direct numbers to just "this has to be DONE by y time" is easier ime. 

-Wear an analog watch.  Helped me with time blindness so much.  I could watch the minute hand crawl as I walked across campus and it cemented how tasks or going places took.  I can link "this takes this space on the clock" easier than "this is (abstract number)".

-AUTOMATE WHATEVER YOU CAN. I'm not just talking about rice cookers and dishwashers and roombas, though those absolutely count.  I also mean computer programs--zotero for citation formatting, writing or finding macros or scripts for file processing so that you reduce the number of clicks while working.  LEARN TO USE EXCEL and clone sheets, if applicable for your job.  Anything you can press a button for instead of having to think about is more that will get done during a day.  

-If you have a pressing task that is making you sad or just has been hovering over you, or a big assignment: take the anxiety as a sign to prioritize it, and set aside an entire day for it.  I'm not joking.  Take a mental health day and do your taxes.  Even if it only takes an hour, time is fake to us.  Energy is not.  Escapism or productive procrastination (doing other tasks that do need done, though less pressing, while avoiding another) devour insane amounts of time.  If that is your One thing slated for that day, then it'll get done.  Promise.  

-Yes, use a schedule planner, but GET ONE WHERE YOU CAN SEE THE WHOLE WEEK ON ONE PAGE SPREAD.  That way, when you break up assignments (I may do a post about how to do this, but it's integral and entirely what my organizational tutoring was for) you can see how everything fits into the week and where you will put tasks that roll over between days.  Teacher planners are good for this.  This shit got me through my college projects.  Also: write in the assignments and important deadlines for your whole class syllabus right when you get it, for students.  It'll take like 2 hours but you can SEE where things fit in physical space instead of abstract time.

-Write lists, not for the purpose of doing the things on them, but just to sort out what's rattling in your head.  I rarely LOOK at lists after making them, but knowing it's all down on paper means I'm no longer worried about forgetting it, and threads it into my brain piece by piece, I can process each individual concern.  What should be on these lists?  Anything bothering you: deadlines, worries, emotional chaos.  Anything that circulates in and out of your conscious thoughts.  Chores you haven't done, inadequacies.  It's like defragmenting a drive when you write it down.  

-Your RSD makes it feel like people don't care for you.  Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is literally so central to my experience, and I don't see it talked about beyond "it exists and it makes me feel The Awful".  It impaired my ability to have healthy boundaries and connections to people, because it compounded with my insecurities to make me feel like people weren't showing me they cared or giving me enough encouragement.  I got frustrated and I felt like my emotional needs were unfulfilled.  It took a lot of therapy to get to the root of it: that I felt unsupported and was reaching to people I shouldn't for external support, when most of the pain I was looking to heal was internal.  It is okay to ask for help!  There's just a part of RSD where you have to learn to separate what is your OWN pain in response to yourself, your own echo of self-loathing attaching itself to another's behavior, and what is genuinely hurtful behavior.  I don't mean that you are accusing anyone of this; rather until you separate the pain you feel from the impact of others, you will feel trapped and controlled by their reactions.  It's complicated.  I advise therapy if it's accessible, but even knowing to look out for it will help.  Admitting the words "I am in pain because I hate something about myself, and their reaction makes me aware of it" is a huge first step.  Yes, spoken aloud.

-If you're breaking stim toys or wringing your hands, crushing things... You're freaking out and you need to go deal with whatever is bothering you.  Your unconscious movements will register before the importance of the emotion itself will.  I find my emotions are like my appetite, it's inconsistent when I will actually process them on a conscious level.  Learning to watch my hands helped me realize when I was overwhelmed.  It may be another cue for you.

-Go decompress when you're overwhelmed.  You may still feel functional: you should not attempt to work through it.  It will continue to haunt your processing until you go stare into the void over your water bottle and breathe for a while.  I advise going home early too, if possible.  Our emotions tire us more than we process.

-Try taking an ibuprofen or acetaminophen when you're starting to get physically tired or frazzled.  Dopamine disregulation also prevents us from modulating background pain signals adequately, I notice I get achy.  

-Exercise if you have the means and time.  Especially if there's a facility at work/home/school so you don't have to convince yourself to go to a secondary location.  Somatosensory and kinesthetic feedback good.

-If you take a break from something, go touch stuff and move around.  Again, somatosensory feedback good.  Walk around the block and touch bricks, etc.

-Use your scenery as a memory aid.  Your workspace is your working memory, your HUD.  I have told my coworkers not to move anything in my work area for this reason.  Where I have left things and what is nearby reminds me what I was doing.  Same principle as listing; all of it externally in front of you, digestible without worry of slipping your mind.  

-In tandem with above: control clutter.  Excess input that is no longer relevant will only confuse you.  Old notes, etc.  It's okay to throw things or memos out that you wanted to do but don't feel like you ever will.

-Your physical location and status ground you.  Going to specific locations to get work done, or dressing specific ways for certain tasks helps link what you're doing now to the task later, and signal to your brain that you're in focus mode.  I can't get shit done in pajamas.  If I'm not dressed by 12pm, that day is gone. 

-If you can't see it, it doesn't exist.  Chores, clothes, etc.  The best ways to store things are in plain sight.  Clear bins, cubbies, etc.  Again, your space is your brain.  Sort items in places that are relevant to their use.

-If your space makes it hard to do chores, your brain will too.  Arrange your furniture to the best of your ability in a way that facilitates easy movement and makes sense to you.

-Cut your losses sometimes.  If you cannot finish the project you started that's taking up space in your room, you're not a bad person for throwing it out.  Plants you can't save.  Art you won't finish.  Waste production is a societal problem, but you have to prioritize your mental health.  Using disposable lysol wipes instead of rags that will add to laundry, etc.  It's okay to need the time saving route.

-If you have the means, it is okay to spend extra for convenience.  That's literally why the product exists.  If it's more compact or automates something, it was built bc it will help people, especially you.  Time IS money, or for us, tasks ARE spoons.  Pay extra for delivery if you can't leave the house.  I was raised very frugal and disposable anything was very hard to justify to myself, but sometimes it is just necessary to have something DONE and not need to clean or maintain things.  You are rationing your energy, it is not laziness.

-ENCOURAGE YOUR BRAIN TO BE ITSELF.  It will feel forced, especially if you've been masking hard for years.  I had to direct myself to go touch flowers awkwardly or pick up bugs, and at first I didn't feel anything.  I just reminded myself that the bug was cool and tried to look real hard at the details.  Reminding myself I used to love this.  And then at some point I wasn't pretending anymore, and I was sending pictures of jumping spiders to my colleagues like "look what I found outside!"  That love some of us have for the present experience, the deep connection we have to our surroundings due to how much we rely on them for our processing... that is so valuable and such a source of joy.  Fight for it.  Fight your mask, fight the expectations people have for you to act a certain way, fight the notion that unbridled interest with and engagement with small details is "childish".  It is not. The world is free dopamine.  Grab heaping handfuls.  

I may write up a followup for the fundamentals of organizational tutoring; it was what really carried my ass through college/uni and more people need access to it.  

Anyway, I hope this helps someone.  Not everyone's ADHD is like mine, and not all of this is universal, but maybe you and I have enough in common that my experience is valuable to you.  

[danilovesivars]

What now?

Time doesn’t make sense. The days are long and draining and yet I’m doing nothing.  It used to be filled with you. It took you forever to eat your meals (although I guess it’s because it was hard for you to do the work when your brain couldn’t get the messages through).  The house is quiet. You aren’t banging on your pots and pans in the play kitchen or throwing crayons off your table. Containers of play doh just sit there now. Not that you cared as much for the play doh as it was taking the lids on and off the containers. I went out with Miss Kelly, and Miss Amanda and Miss Cat yesterday then saw my friend Michelle. I cried to all of them.  Then I came home and felt lost again. There was still so much of the day left. I felt exhausted and sore all over my body. I took a nap. Napping isn’t right anymore either because I napped with you. If my hair was still in a pony, you’d reach your little hand under my neck and pull my hair towards you. So I made sure to put my hair down yesterday. I can’t even keep track of what day of the week it is. Nothing is comforting. I can’t figure out what to watch on TV. I could do some work but I can’t think up anything creative and it seems like too much mental effort. Reading is hard I’m too easily distracted by the silence. Since when does that make sense? I can’t even find a Twenty One Pilots song that helps. In some ways I guess that’s an okay thing because I would never wish this pain on anyone and to write something that would explain this you’d have to experience it. Which means I have to be the one to write it. And let me tell you Charlie, Mommy is not the writer Tyler Joseph is. I wish I could be. Music has often been a comfort to me. Now I’m pulling songs from Frozen because I don’t know where else to look.  You received a lot of Easter gifts - some stuffies and blankets and chocolates. Losing you on Easter Monday meant you never got to use them. You were like Mommy and were addicted to chocolate. We have so much chocolate now because you had to start every meal with a small piece. Weirdly enough though Mommy has lost interest in chocolate. I’ve had some but it doesn’t taste the same anymore.  I try to talk to you like you are here. I’d love to hear your voice though. You are supposed to be whole in Heaven now so in theory you may even be able to talk. You certainly understood what was being said to you. You did have some words at one point. If in Heaven those lesions are gone from your brain are you chatting up your grandmother? What does it sound like when you talk? I wish we knew Charlie. I wish we knew what you were going through so we could reduce the suffering a little bit. Everyone says it may be better that we didn’t. You experienced a lot - A Blue Jays game, Wonderland, Santa’s Village, Sauble Beach, Daycare - things we probably would have been too afraid to take you to if we knew. But I don’t forget your tired eyes and your sighs. I know now why and I wish I could have helped you through those moments. At least we think we know why. We are still awaiting the genetic testing to confirm it was Leigh’s. I don’t know how I’d feel if they came back still not sure of what it was. Today I’ve tried to do stuff. Daddy got me a new grief journal. Plus I had one I got another day. I tried to look at Disney Cruises. A little getaway. We had hoped to take you to Disney so I thought a cruise might be a nice alternative. I sent out more GoFundMe Thank you’s and but I couldn’t finish anything I set out to do. Somehow after trying all those things it was still only 2 something. That’s when we’d normally be napping. Riley then called home. She almost made it through the whole day. I don’t blame her I can’t get myself to do anything so why should I expect her to? Daddy described this as feeling almost like you’ve lost a limb. Mainly because you always were clinging to Daddy’s shoulder so he quite literally felt like he lost a limb. But I went on to agree because I was thinking something similar. When you lose a limb (modern technology aside) it doesn’t grow back. You can stitch up the area and it will heal up but the actual limb is gone forever. How you move forward in life is completely different. You have to learn to adapt without it. And most of your limbs are pretty important in your daily life. You don’t NEED them to be alive but they are important to your functioning.When they are gone you still can feel pains from where they were. You can still feel your brain try to use them and function as you did.  So we are still here. Trying to continue without an important piece of our family. Moving forward and learning to adapt but trying to accept that you won’t be coming back. We still feel the pain of losing you. We still anticipate seeing you in the hallway when we open the bathroom door, or pulling yourself up to stand by the couch when we are watching TV. I still think I hear your voice when you wake up from a nap then remember you aren't there.  I just don’t know what to do now.  

[transpockk]

on a lighter note im so in love with my boyfriend. And i know this isnt anything new. Ive loved him since we started dating, but i guess what im trying to say is that its different now.

I get bored of things easily. Bc of that, the first months of dating him i was scared shitless that i was gonna grow bored of him once the rush had passed. I was worried once we had settled my brain would look for problems and, finding none, it would create them out of the pure need to have something new happen. I know i tend to do that.

And i mean, i dont know where the future will take us. I can say this week something changed. I stopped being afraid. And i guess it was that something clicked, which is, im not inferior to other people. I know this seems like it has nothing to do with anything, but it does, because so far ive navigated this life under the assumption everyone was superior. And since they were superior, they were better, they were stronger, and they had more responsibilities, one of which was looking out for me as one looks out for a kitten. And with all the shit that happened last week, all the stress, at some point i looked at my boyfriend and realized he isnt better than me, and he gets as desperate with stuff as i do, and he stresses out, and worries, and has problems sleeping, and lashes out sometimes and fucks up. And realizing that suddenly almost made me cry out of relief (and guilt). Bc it means he isnt unbreakable and i had been putting a lot of weight on him. Because i have to take care of him, and make sure he gets enough sleep and food, and make him happy and care for him when hes sick and buy him stuff. And like, i knew this already on a superficial level, and i tried to care for his needs, but id never realized how absolutely necessary and urgent it was.

Realizing that made me see him differently, bc then it means he isnt taking care of me bc he is superior and should do it, but because he wants to, and that has a toll on him even if its his choice. Which means that all this time where i spent thinking everyone was better, i didnt realize the enormous effort they were doing to take care of me, just how much it cost them, how tiring and tiring it is, and how strong everyone i have near me is. Which certaingly puts things in a different light.

My boyfriend isnt beautiful and kind and strong and enduring bc he is superior. He is all those things because he actively tries to, everyday. Everyday he decides to get out of bed and care for himself and others. And, since i know how fucking hard that is, it just made me love him more. He is that good because he tries, all the time, to be that good. And i dont think theres anyone i admire more, love more than him, because of all that he is.

So yeah. Long post. Just a lot of things to take into account suddenly

[cavalierious-whim]

Gorou has been looking a little dull lately, so Itto takes him on a day out to polish him up a bit. Written for the Oni and the Shiba zine.

Read here on AO3 for better quality and tags/content warnings!

--

Gorou is beyond tired, weighed down by the sort of bone-weary exhaustion that doesn’t so easily dissipate. 

With the end of the Vision Hunt Decree, and the opening of Inazuma’s borders, he can finally relax a little, but even then it feels odd. Gorou has had to keep on his toes for so long that he doesn’t know how to rid the restlessness in his bones. 

He whines softly, brushing his fingers over the limp fur of his tail, dulled from stress. He rubs at the circles underneath his eyes, digging his fingers into the skin as though he can just massage them away. He cannot. 

Even Kokomi has said something. “Gorou, there is no need to be on such high alert. Rest yourself, yes?”

“Easier said than done,” murmurs Gorou, his nose twitching at the thought. 

“Heeeeeeeeeey,” calls someone, loud and clear. 

Gorou’s tail twitches in his hand and he cocks his head to the side. “Itto,” he says, turning to greet him with a soft smile. 

Itto looks him up and down, face wrinkling with concern. “Okay, I get it now. Little Miss Shrine Maiden rarely calls in favors.”

Gorou blanches. “Wait, she—”

“She was right to be concerned. Look at you.” Well, that’s just rude. Gorou is about to say just that when Itto shakes his head, thumbing at his chin as he thinks. “That’s it, then. Time to call in the big guns.”

“Big guns?” Oh, that sounds like the absolute worst idea, knowing Itto’s propensity to be more than over the top. 

“Operation Bring-O Gorou back to his Primo Self-O, you catch my drift?”

Gorou appreciates the gesture but he’s too tired to deal with Itto’s wily shenanigans, as fond as he is of the man. “Itto, I’m thankful, but—”

“No can-do, my little doggie dude. I’m you’re numero uno, you know, which is why the Little Miss called me here. You won’t listen to her but maybe you’ll listen to me. And, because I care for ‘ya, I’m not letting it slide.”

Gorou rubs his nose, feeling the itch of stress coming on. But, at the same time, he smiles behind his palm. It’s hard to overlook Itto’s earnest efforts and the joy that he seems to get from helping others. 

“Alright,” he finally says, giving Itto a fond look. 

“Right-O! So what’s first? Some good ‘ole beetle battling? It’s been a while since I’ve taken the old hog for a spin.”

Gorou snorts softly at that. Beetle battling is more Itto’s forte but he finds himself agreeing nonetheless. 

#

Operation Bring-O Gorou back to his Primo Self-O looks a lot like Itto taking Gorou on a date. 

It isn’t the worst way to raise his spirits. He and Itto have gone on dates before, simple things that fit Itto’s often simple-minded temperament. 

Gorou is quieter than Itto in the way that he carries himself. Softer-handed in his hobbies and the way that he acts in public, he tends to fade a little into the background—unless he finds himself on the battlefield, of course. Itto, on the other hand, is loud and brash, and though big-hearted, an annoyance at times. 

These are also the things that Gorou finds winsome, his heart fluttering as he watches Itto rummage about. Itto is unapologetically himself, something that Gorou finds a hard balance to maintain when it comes to himself. Combined with his drive to do right by others…

The Arataki Gang is a gang in name only—they are mostly do-gooders, despite the image that they try to spread about.

They spend the day doing things that mostly Itto enjoys, despite the plan intending to cheer up Gorou instead. 

Beetle Battles by the beach, which Gorou lets Itto win. He wasn’t trying, really, not the Itto noticed. Truthfully, it was nice to just sit back and watch, laughing at the animated way that Itto cheered his beetle fighter on.

They dodged the keen eyes of Kujou Sara, ducking behind an old shed. They weren’t doing anything, so they couldn’t have been arrested, even on a warrant of suspicion. But even Gorou doesn’t want to be around the woman more than he has to be, and he was perfectly fine playing a game of keeping out of her sight. 

“Your tail,” says Itto suddenly, while they share tea in Ritou, watching the ocean waves crash against the port docks.

“Hm?” asks Gorou, turning to him. 

“It’s… I mean, your hair too. It seems…” Itto’s brow creases as he thumbs at his chin, the gears whirring slowly in his brain. “You’re usually very… shiny? Uh, well-composed. Put together? Not to like, to compare you to a dog—wait, can I do that? I mean, you are a dog… kind of.”

“Itto.” Goroug laughs softly. “Take a breath.”

“I just mean that your… coat? Do you consider it a coat? Usually it’s like.. Shiny and soft, right? Like, I can pet through your hair, just how you like—” Gorous’s cheeks turn pink at that. “—and it’s all soft and silky. But I’ve noticed that…” Itto gestures vaguely at his tail where it sits across his lap.

Gorou didn’t even realize he’d been holding onto it, pulling at the stringy tufts idly. His fur lacks its usual luster and softness, and there are balding patches from where he’s tugged a little too hard. “Oh,” he murmurs, “I—it’s the stress. I know that things have calmed down, but it’s left over from before then.”

Itto falls uncharacteristically quiet. “I know things got a little rough for everyone, but you shouldn’t forget to take care of yourself. I might say I’m your numero uno, but it’s really yourself.”

Gorou sighs softly. “And what about you? All that big bluster about the Gang and trying to act tough. All you do is wind up helping others. Ever thought about taking some time for you? Doing what you want to do?”

“I am,” says Itto, looking admittedly confused. He rubs at a horn, nervously. “Look, I was just worried about you. I know we’ve been busy with rebuilding and stuff. Haven’t had much time to spend together, etcetera.”

“And I am thankful for that, truly. I’ve missed you.” 

Itto gives him a grin so dopey that Gorou can’t help but laugh.

#

Later that night, they find themselves back on Watatsumi Island. 

They sit on the beach, the ocean tide lapping at their bare toes, their knees knocking together as they laugh and share soft words. 

In Itto’s lap sits Gorou’s tail, lax as he drags a boar bristle brush through it. “Next time, just tell me that you need some tender loving, or something.”

“Itto.” Gorou rubs at his face, trying to hide that way that he blushes. His tail twitches though, and Itto laughs, pulling the brush through his dull fur with care. 

It is nice, this tender moment. Gorou digs his toes into the sand, wriggling them, enjoying the way that Itto handles his tail. And then his hair is next, Itto’s fingers combing through it, scratching at the base of his ears with a gentleness that belies his large exterior. 

“Mhm,” sighs Gorou when everything is said and done, relaxation filling him and the bone-weariness slipping away.

“Do you feel better? More relaxed? Would you say polished, even?” Itto laughs at his own joke before Gorou can. 

When Itto holds his hand out, Gorou slips his fingers against his, squeezing gently, pressing his fingers against those calloused palms. Itto smiles back in that idiotic, goofy way of his, an instant balm across Gorou’s heart. 

Gorou does, in fact, feel better, having found a little respite after a long day. First time in what seems like months. It’s funny, how little it seemed to take. Just a day out with, arguably, the world’s largest idiot.