#i guess thats part of the meltdown thing too

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[spacejellycreates]

i didnt put this in the notes on the actual fic because its quite a long story, but i wanted to talk about it somewhere so ill do it here

my fic, Banter or Bullying, is based on an actual interaction i had with some of my close friends who i live with. our friend group has that dynamic where we all make fun of each other, but one person in particular seems to take the brunt of it. he gets made fun of more often and more harshly than other people seem to, despite being a lovely person (albeit with a few annoying habits, but everyone in this house has some, including me. thats just part of being human.)

basically, i was having a meltdown in my bedroom. i forget exactly what it was about, i think i was just having a bad time and something sent me over the edge. i find that distraction is the best technique to comfort me during a meltdown, so i went downstairs to see if anyone was in the living room and could take my mind off things for a bit, and this particular friend was the only one in there. he was sitting on the couch playing like. a star wars video game. it was like a military tactics simulator or something. idk, not really my thing.

i sat down next to him and he could see i was upset, so he offered to put the game away so we could talk about it but i was like no thanks can i just watch you play? so he said sure, and he let me sit with my head on his shoulder while he explained everything he was doing in the game. i didnt understand most of it, but it made me feel better just to sit with him and listen to him talk

then one of my other flatmates walked past, and she was like oh no hes trapped you in an explanation of his star wars game, blink twice if you need help, etc. and that upset me because i was like, no, i like spending time with him, hes making me feel better right now and actually being really nice to me, and you're just being mean for no reason, acting like im being held against my will or something

and i may be projecting, but i feel like spock gets treated a very similar way, especially by mccoy. it hurts my heart to see an autistic coded character be treated the same way as my friend, and the same way as a lot of neurodivergent people i know when they try to talk about their interests, or even just exist in a way that makes sense for them, and they constantly get negative comments about it.

so i wrote that fic as kind of. a way to express my affection for my friend, and also for spock. and to stick up for spock the way i did for my friend in that moment. no one deserves to feel like their friends dont care about their interests, or even that their friends dont like spending time with them.

i guess, moral of the story, if you have a friend that gets made fun of more than everyone else, make sure to check in with them every once in a while. ask if they're actually having fun when you're bantering with them or if it is hurting their feelings. and if you ever think a joke is going too far, say something. its nice to know that someone is in your corner

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[owlets-outlet]

apparently a kdrama with a female autistic lead came out?? so my autistic ass is gonna watch it and let you know how good it is.

ok so first of all. i feel like this is the first kdrama with an autistic lead ever??? and she´s female too??? LOVE. IT. i am also not expecting perfect rep tho, because its... a kdrama. cmon.

episode 1:

things i disliked:

-first and foremost: the whole “oh no, shes autistic :(( horrible news for me as a dad...” thing is just not the vibe. props to him being a loving father tho

-the whole autistic genius thing is overdone by now

-her geniality somehow “made it better to bear” that shes autistic?? mm

-she´s played by a neurotypical actress. i personally dont care that much, especially considering that SK is a small country and its hard to look for autistic actors, but still

-she´s very much the autistic stereotype that we all know. again, nothing i hate too much, because the fact that theres an autistic female lead in a kdrama is a huge step

-occassionally in the outro graphics and in some of the soundtrack, there are elements of infantilization. guys pls dont play silly music while the mc is forced to relive childhood trauma and her personal space is being violently invaded by an angry, screaming man, thank you.

-this one im conflicted about: ocd like symptoms. yes, autistic people do sometimes who them, but sometimes autistic people have ocd as a separate disorder. also its a stereotypical symptom. but its okay i guess.

things i liked:

-the story is told through her perspective. we also get her narration sometimes, revealing that she is a three dimensional person, just cant express some parts outwardly.

-ramblessssss! theyre p good actually

-she is her own person, capable of making her own decisions and doesnt need saving. she is capable of expressing and communicating her needs. (unless shes having a meltdown, or overstimulated. many people on the spectrum cant, and thats okay, but im glad she has agency, ok,it doesnt happen often in media) only needs support when things get unbearable. very nice.

-law isn´t her special interest, whales are! many shows make the persons special interest their whole personality, glad they branched out lol

-accurate representation of overstimulation and anxiety in public spaces

-connected to the last point, her coping mechanisms and stims are accurate to real life and relatable: noise cancel headphones with white noise, pacing when stressed to ground herself, finger stimming...

-stims actually dont look a caricature!! even though they´re basic and stereotypical, they are real and not overexaggerated

-represents sensory issues well, they arent basic, but personalized to her, which is great! for example: her dad removes all tags from her clothes bcs they bother her, she has a specific safe food (bibimbap)

-lack of empathy is handled well too. she uses logic to determine how others may feel, but it is shown that its something she had to learn! very good

-also!! she. has emotions, just doesnt express them the way other people would!!

-a big one: THE VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF HER INSIDE WORLD ISNT TRIGGERING TO ME. it still may be to some people, but, unlike the music movie (ew), it isnt bright, flashing and fast paced: its flowing, with neutral, soft colors and calm noises

-her and her best friend are the perfect adhd and autism solidarity

-her aversion to touch seems to be handled well so far: she learns to tolerate it, not like it (thank god), for the sake of comforting other people (not to please them, but only when needed)

-its a kdrama. shes getting a love interest. an autistic person being treated as an adult?? with a love interest?? DAMN (the bar is on the floor, huh)

i will update this as i make my way further through the episodes, but im cautiously optimistic so far!

[1980s-slasher-film]

Wow, I guess I never thought about the fast pass due to autism dilemma. I just think my worry would be constantly overanalysing whether or not I need something and I usually tend to try to fit in. Atm I’m just using all my access arrangements for school etc, but I feel guilty.

I CAN wait in a hypothetical theme park line so I WILL wait in it, but it may have a knock on effect further down the line. But neurotypical people will feel that effect too, right? Ughh I hate thinking.

or maybe I could use the hypothetical fast pass if I was close to meltdown or overwhelmed? Yeah that makes sense. Thanks for posting about this btw, very important

Theme parks are my biggest special interest, so yeah, I see it a lot. People straight up faking disabilities because they think access passes will allow them to skip lines, people with actual disabilities using them when they’re unneeded, it goes on. My home park had to redo their entire access system because of people misusing it. They were probably going to soon enough, because the expanding knowledge on disabilities and all, but their main reason was people cheating the system or stretching the boundaries of the system.

My thing with accommodations is always, if it’ll help you and make your time easier, go for it. If the pass is being used properly there’s no harm done. Even if it’s “just” for anxiety or “just” for sensory issues, it’s always fine to be used if it genuinely helps. The people that bother me are those that take the time to fight for one, brag about it on social media, and then use it to their advantage when it was never going to make a difference for them whether they had it or not. The amount of times I’ve seen fellow autistic people get a DAS at Disney or a Cedar Fair green sheet and flash it all over social media like a prize, all while making sure everyone knows they “don’t need it”. It’s very aspie supremacy the way they try to separate themselves from those of us that do need them. Thats the part that bothers me. Generally, though, the rule of thumb is that if I helps you and it makes your day less stressful,, you need it.

Even I, someone that is sometimes at the park twice a week, haven’t gotten a green sheet yet. As a kid I enjoyed lines, got to infodump about whatever ride we were waiting for to strangers, but as my health has gotten worse and I’ve been through multiple burnouts, I definitely need one now. But I don’t feel I’m “disabled” enough, despite the fact that I’m on crutches nearly 100% of the time I’m there. I think overthinking stuff like this is pretty normal, but it just means you actually care about the experience of others I think lol.

The funniest part of the whole things tbh is that disability access passes at theme parks typically don’t even allow you to skip lines anymore. They definitely were like that in the 70s, as my grandparents used one back then and they talk about it being like a fast pass, but definitely not anymore. They work on a return time system, meaning you wait the same amount of time as the people in line, just not in the line. So these assholes really are just setting themselves up, because they’re still just gonna be waiting in lines.

[elytrafemme]

this is anonymous because im too embarrassed to say it but but !! i just wanted to. thank you? i suppose? Cough Syrup (especially ranboo and tubbo) has made me realize many things about my mental health that I could never have started healing from otherwise. I cannot stress enough how much that fanfic has changed my life for the better, even if I still have plenty of struggles I can't fix without professional help. I also want to thank you for (and please ignore this bit if you find it uncomfortable) talking about your own mental health so openly. Your posts make me feel very human, sort of like I'm not the only person whos brain works like this and thats okay!! you know? idk, youve just helped me a lot :] - ☄

hi hi! this is so so sweet thank you so much :(( the love towards cough syrup means the world to me especially since its on a (temporary!!!) hiatus and everything; it's just. it's really really kind when people say that they still like it 2 me and it's also so so lovely to hear it's helped out? bc that's one of the main reasons i started writing it, which then became the main reason: i wanted to comfort people, i wanted to help them through things, i was sick of reading about media with psychotic characters where happy endings didnt exist. i wanted to show the quadruple edged sword that is addiction & that you can heal . & that healing is complicated and messy. and a lot of other stuff. i'm seriously so so happy it could help you make realizations bc it helped me realize a ton of stuff too, like i think about some people's comments on the fic still bc those comments made me introspect and realize oh shit me too. you know?

i'm glad on the second half, too :') i think every person has to walk the line of transparency advocacy and privacy, where you want to be trasparent and honest to those you love, u want to use ur experiences to advocate for the better, and you want to hide the vulnerable parts of urself. thats how i feel talking about my mental health. if i could i wouldn't talk about it as much, but this space is for my own healing and i know that some stuff does resonate with people.

it's good to hear that it helps, though, especially coming from a CS reader, because i worry all the fucking time about hopeful readers coming here expecting an update and just ending up with some 17 year old having a meltdown.

i think part of why i do talk about it though, on the days where it's more intentional rather than just an expulsion of all this ugly shit buried in my chest, is because i'm getting through it. i'm going through it but i'm getting through it. i want to post about the days where i look and see the sun and feel this deep sense of happiness over myself, i want to talk about how the person im in love with makes me feel like im a person again. i also talk about the days where i feel trapped by my own trauma and how my emotions are rapidly in flux to the point its difficult to even know who i am. bc that loops back to the first point, too. with every horrible horrible day there's a really really good one and good days, fuck dude. good days are so worth living for.

this ask means a lot to me and im sorry for rambling so much haha. im really really happy CS + my posts can help . and i'm glad they both make u human bc i dont feel human a lot of the time. but if my lack of humanity can make another person feel human then well, i guess i'm human.

it's really not that awful of a thing to be, either :')

much love anon <3

[lostjudgmnt]

i nearly just oosted this plain but i at least still gave the mental whatever the fuck to put it under a cut sorry guys i’ll be normal in a minute cw for me having some sort of meltdown though idk. pretty intense shit

i love…………. this fucked up mental cycle im in where. im just having a really nasty mixed episode rn so im like. my sleep is so off im rapidly swinging from feeling completely fine to have violent fucking melt/breakdowns/shutdowns to being actually decently happy maybe to having terrible ocd spikes and spirals and its been months and i cant tell if its getting better or not and am pretty convinced in actuality faking the whole thing even though the worst of it is happening when im completely fucking alone and i cant tell if my thoughts are my own or if im pretending to be someone who isnt me and tbese “symptoms” are just me pretending im someone im noy but convincing myself its real or something i dont fucking know but im going fucking crazy but im not telling anyone but i feel like im in a pressure cooker and i feel like im under too mich pressure to be normal and okay and not kill myself even though its all too much pressure

like it sucks because the fact that i kind of feel like im completely fine but also like im going absolutely insane at the same time is not helping the fact that im convincing myself that my intrrusive thoughts and spirals and obsessions and whateber else i have going on are all fucking fake and im just putting on some sort of fucked up show for myself or something like im pretending to be someone else so i feel ~different~ and ~special~ and mentally ill because i guess its fucking fun qnd quirjy as opposed to literally so fucking miserable and preventing me from sleeping wnd locking my body up in uncomfortable positions that i can’t really move from but i can AOMETIMES so im just doing yhat to myself for FUN like goddamn. im not making any sense and part of me is telling me i should be correcting all these typos because godforbid i dont fucking sanitize myself because if it looks too raw its more proof that im faking all this shit and pretending yo look like im doing badly or whatever because im fine actually i feel fine!!!!!!!! what fuckung ever.

i actively hide that im actually driving myself insane from myself abd others because i feel like i have to at least pretend im doig well and then i get hurt when no one can tell im doing poorly as if its not ky own fucking fault and then convince myself that its not actually that bad and that its all fake actually and im making everything i experience up or exaggerating everything or what fucking ever when im having violent and geaphic intrusive thoughts about myself and compulsively beating my head against the floor when im completely alone and there’s sno one to see it like obviously thats fucking fake right. nesus chrisy

i shouldnt post this and maybe poisting it is hust another sign that this is all made up and im just doing it for attention i cant steas enough that im just calmly sitting in a chair at my best friend’s house alone in the dark whole typing this right now i literally feel completely normal but also i guess apparently absolutely insane at the same time but maybe i dont feel insanw. but also i was hyperventilating and slamming my head yo the ground qns could hardly move my body on the floor like i dunno 20 minutes ago and my head hurts. but maybe that was fakw too. i dont even know who’s thoughts are in my head right now

i dont know i guess i feel like i need to actually make some sort of record of this shit somewhere but i’ll ignore it if its somewhere completely private but i’ll want to kill myself even more if its somewhere like q diacord server for some reason so here’s the only place i feel i can go. i dont fucking know why. maybe because here someone can reassure me but i dont have to freak the fuck out of the people i actually interact with on w daily basis or something. i dont know. i dont know if any of this is actually me or if any of this is real and i dint even know if im gonna look at this later because maybe i dont want to know if its all real or not. i dont fucking know

im trying to will myself to take my LITERAL MEDICATION i got prescribed to treat my DIAGNOSED FUCKING BIPOLAR DISORDER that im convinced isnt fucking real and wouldnt becausing me to be insane for any reason. goddamn. im shit at taking it the way imsupposed to because im supposed to take it in the morning to but i dont do mornings and have no routine for the mornings at all. i need time figure that the fuck out and maybe it wilp fix me but maybe not because im probably fakung all this shit anyway and meds cant fix what isn’t actually there. jesus christ

i know i sound insane btw i still cant tell if thats “proof” of anything, authenticity or otherwise i dont fucking know. shit.

im moving in m getting up from sitting completely calmly in this chair and im taking my pm meds as diagnosed and im gonna go upstairs to lay down in the guest bed across the room from my best friend who went to bef almost an hour ago and im gonna sleep and im gonna wake up as a normal person and none of this is real and im being overdramatic and fake. good fucking night

[nixs-thoughts]

❌addiction rant❌

One thing I struggle with a lot is addiction and substance abuse. I started smoking 🍃 daily during quarantine and it got to the point I needed to smoke multiple times a day every day and without it I'd completely meltdown.

I finally quit in July 2022, and even though its been several months I still struggle. The cravings are worst during times of stress or pain. I recognize I have an addictive personality, and that swapping one addiction for another isn't going to help me.

I have to learn to sit with the pain and discomfort and thats probably the hardest part of all. The therapy I've done over the last year has made it possible for me to function sober.

I guess I just feel confused sometimes, and I'm sure a lot of people feel this way when they give up their drug of choice too. Missing it, and constantly craving it during times of upset, trying to justify using one more time, bargaining with themselves that they can handle it this time and rationalizing how it would do more good than harm.

Honestly, I think it the cost of it wasn't so high I'd probably still be smoking to this day. It's especially hard when the people around me are still doing it regularly, because the smell and knowing its around makes me want it more.

I know that I needed to quit in order to grow as a person, I just wish that it wasn't so fucking difficult.

-Nix

[system-of-a-feather]

I really sometimes want to post something interesting to this blog; may it be a mental health reminder or some insight or something interesting that happened, but honestly lately our life has been like.... horrifically boring.

People really think living with DID is this super fascinating thing, and it really often isn’t that much more fascinating than an average person. Yeah there are a shit ton of mental breakdowns compared to the average person but also like... thats not really fascinating or interesting? And its like.... all I’m doing is eating fruit loops right now. Not running around I dunno, messing shit up or anything.

I mean, early into having DID and trying to navigate everything, it can be pretty “interesting” to have I guess. Learning about your parts and trying to make things work and navigating the world with this new understanding and perspective is “interesting” but really, as you stabilize more it just gets kind of old and boring and normal.

I really don’t live an “average normal” life. An “average normal person” doesn’t regularly message in a discord full of 12 other accounts all of which they own; nor do they have like a minimum of two complete meltdowns a week. But really, as you get adjusted to living with the disorder and the mindset, a lot of it really really just becomes normal with just a few extra steps.

I have a fiance. I go to school. I go to work. I go to the gym. I play video games. I draw occasionally. I listen to music. I talk to people. I make friends. To do that, is there sometimes more subtle differences that I have to work out? Yes. Do I sometimes have to pull out my phone to message a part about something I can’t remember? Yeah sometimes. Do I magically teleport back from work sometimes? I mean, technically no but yeah it does feel like that sometimes. Is it weird or jarring for me? No, not really anymore.

It’s a bit funny how casual and used to “teleporting” and “timeskipping” I’ve gotten. I don’t really panic when I swear I was just at my computer or when I look at the time to see 4 hours had passed when I thought it was like half an hour. I just go “Oh cool, hope they had a good time” if I don’t recall what was going on and I just go on with my day.

With where we are, we function rather fine and well on a day to day basis of taking care of ourselves, our responsibilities, our relationships, and maintaining how hobbies. If it wasn’t for the fact we all opted to be generally overt (partially because we realized most people don’t assume you have DID anyways), we could easily look like a singlet. 

Most of the work we have is undoing years of abuse emotionally and mentally and trying to actually move forward from trauma and become what we genuinely want to be and not what our trauma makes us be.

I’ve lost track a bit of where I was going with this, but I do remember that the point I wanted to make is that things with DID and living with it gets better. It isn’t a death sentence and over time things will eventually make more sense and just become kind of... normal.

So if any one reading is a newly discovered system or just figuring this out, that’s okay. It might seem like hell now and it might seem like there is no end to it, but do know that you can still live a good and enjoyable life. Do know that things do become more managable and simple and less chaotic. 

You can be happy with this disorder. 

You can and will eventually get to a place of stability eventually. 

You have a lot of potential to heal and grow. 

You aren’t too broken to live the life you want. 

It might take some extra work to get there, but you - just like anyone else - can live a good life and be who you want to be.

-Riku (Host)

[anatolypilled]

anatoly hc time He has sensory processing issues bc i do as well and all i know how to do is ! Project onto characters:

- one of his main things is that he Cannot tell when it is too cold !!!!!!! it's always been a thing of his ever since he was a child. Anatoly loved playing in the snow but if his mother didn't send him out with a jacket then he'd literally just go out in a thin long sleeve and be ok. there are times where he'd sneak out and his mother would catch him playing and she'd physically drag him back inside n try n warm him up bc he used to get sick bc of this

- he hates it when ppl touch him without his permission. and there r places on his body that when touched just make him so uncomfortable and want to just tear his body parts off. everyone around him eventually learns that you Actually need to anatoly whenever u touch him or he just shuts down.

at first, molokov used to think anatoly was just overly sensitive and weird ..... but Then he started to notice how when someone would accidentally brush his shoulder or pat his back he'd freeze up and just wouldnt talk/talk very little. it started to affect his chess and molokov eventually was just .... ok this is a real thing i guess but hes good at what he does and he'll the best of us one day, i can figure something out .... so they limited handshakes and touching and stuff like that, and molokov learns to announce every time he needs to pat his back or shake his hand

it was more difficult with svetlana and his children ... he just told her outright that he didnt like. To be touched without someone asking no matter who it was and at first she was very apprehensive abt it. She did feel kinda offended mostly bc she just didnt understand? then one time they were walking in the park or something and someone just bumped into him and he shut down. they were talking and having a nice time before, but the moment That happened he just stopped. from that point on she understood, she rlly did. His kids learn to ask their father for hugs, or ask him if he would like a hug or something like that. !!!! anatoly gladly gives them that always !!!

same thing w freddie !!!! he learns rlly quick to ask him if he wanted to be held or something like that, and their sleeping arrangement is them on the complete opposite sides of the bed. its not like they dont love each other or smth .... freddie Understands

- CERTAIN CLOTHING TEXTURES MAKE HIM VERY IRRITATED ...... MOLOKOV USED TO MAKE HIM WEAR RLLY TIGHT SHIRTS AND THIS TWEED JACKET WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER AND IT MADE HIM SO. ANGRY like the texture was so rough and hard against him he just couldnt focus ????? it pissed him off so much and he'd see the other boys with their shirts and tweed jackets acting normal but He Just Couldnt. it started to affect his games and he went on a long losing streak all bc of a damn jacket, and it was distressing him a lot . But molokov rlly took to anatoly back then and once again... knew he was their best chance at winning so he let him wear a smoother jacket and looser fitting shirts. when that happened... his career just took off

- one of the reasons why he enjoys chess so much is bc of the quiet it provides. no one's talking, no one's speaking to him, no one's touching him, it's just him, the board, and his opponent. one of his favorite textures is the felt under the pieces .... whenever he takes his opponent's piece he holds it in his hand and rubs his thumb on the smooth felt there. its very soothing n comforting to him and it helps him focus

- BUT the worst thing abt chess for him is when he plays these big games and gets sensory overload. suddenly the clacking of the pieces against the board is too loud, the flickering lights are burning his eyes, the soft chatter of the crowd hurts his ears, he hears the scratching of the pencil against paper, the smell of smoke coming from the crowd, and he feels like he tastes the air around him ... tangy and metallic and Too Much and he just shuts down. it rly only happens to him when hes just overly stressed and its been a bad week for him .... just all culminates into this big meltdown where he has to leave the game and take comfort in his hotel room. there he takes off his jacket and unbuttons his shirt and paces around and around and around until hes calm. he rubs his hands on his thighs too but by then its already a nightmare bc hes already walked away from the game. sometimes molokov is able to negotiate, but sometimes he isnt and thats just that.

- anatoly really hates how hes like that. Bc he never had words to explain what he felt—he didnt understand why tweed jackets made him feel so horrible, they just did. he didnt understand why a simple unannounced brush on his shoulder made him freeze, it just did :/ nevertheless he does his best to power thru and there r ppl who actually respect his boundaries n such n ppl who he feels comfortable around !!

ok thats all for now Bye

[xerospaced]

I had a meltdown

First I've had in a while

I cant remember the last time i went through one without being supported through it

I'd forgotten how internally violent they can be

How isolating

Ive been nothing lately

Devoid of self

Devoid of stuff

Devoid of life

Maybe i am depressed

I cant see myself anymore

I cant remember the last time i really could

Nor the last time i felt proud

Or good to be me

I just see

Failure

In every direction

Taking up space

With no reason

Things have been hard for a long time. But i was ok. I had my odd moments but

I still had peace. I still had equilibrium within self

I dont have a reason

For being

I dont have drive

I dont have energy

Nothing is feeding me

And i havent the want nor will

Nor the fucking headspace

To find joy

Or life

Or something to look forward too

I was at peace

And then, for a brief moment, i felt balance. I felt light. Everything made sense

And then it came crashing down around me

And balance became my wrongdoing

And i became nothing

I have been occupied with whats asked of me

Yet still barely live up to whats required

But i have nothing for me

For the most part. Ive not been upset

But yeah. I guess im depressed

I exist. And thats fine.

I do nothing. And it is what it is.

I want nothing

I need nothing

I feel nothing

I wake up

I sit

I sleep

I wake up

I wait for the day to end.

[mtherhino]

One side, Two lives

Chapter 11

That’s all I needed to hear

First Previous Next

Warnings: panic attack, blood, mild self harm, suicidal and self deprecating thoughts and swearing

“I’m so freaking stupid!” Roman shouted as soon as he rose up in his room. He dropped to the floor, his eyes shut tightly as they started over flowing with tears that he had held back earlier. He had been so mad and hurt after the wedding but that doesn’t excuse what he said!

“What was I thinking! Why did I say that to De-Janus! Making fun of a side’s name?! God dammit that’s one of the worst things I could say!” Roman yelled at himself as he pulled at his hair. The creative side grabbed both of his arms in a death grip as if he were trying to physically hold himself together. His breathing was becoming erratic but the prince didn’t pay it any mind as thoughts continued to swirl in his head.

           I was so angry I caused Patton to have a meltdown! Janus was only tying to help and I just kept treating him like a villain and a threat! Hell he felt the need to protect Thomas from me and Patton! At this point Roman was gripping at his arms so badly that his nails had broken the skin. He didn’t even notice that his sleeves where starting to turn a bit red.

           Janus was right. He’s always been right! I am the evil twin. The creative side thought sadly. I mean even Patton agreed with him and he’s the one that created the concept in the first place so it has to be true!

Well of course its true. It’s not that big of a surprise, you’ve always been a disappointment. Roman’s head snapped up when he heard the voice. It didn’t sound like just a voice in his head this time, it sounded like someone standing in the room right next to him, it sounded so much more real.

Of course I’m real! As real as what you said back there. You’re such an idiot by the way, saying that, not only to Janus, but in front of Patton? I didn’t think you could get anymore stupid but I guess I was wrong. The voice seemed to chant in his ear. Roman covered his ears with his slightly bloody hands, his breathing becoming even more frantic. He felt as if the walls of his room where caving in on him and there was no way out.

           I have to get out of here, he thought, I have to get away form him! The prince looked around and spotted his closet door. Without thinking the prince got up and ran, opening the door and sprinting into the imagination. He wasn’t sure if he remembered to close the door but that was the last thing on his mind as he ran deeper and deeper into the woods of the mystical terrain.

           Unfortunately even as he ran the voice didn’t let up.

I mean would it have been that hard to just listen to the others? Even I’m surprised at how egotistical you were back there! Hahaha! The voice didn’t stop for a moment and Roman didn’t either. He felt bushes and branches tear and rip at his prince costume but he didn’t care. The only thing on his mind was getting away form that dam voice!

           Roman didn’t stop running until his legs eventually gave in on him and he hit the ground, he’s knees getting scrapped in the process. The prince finally took a moment to look at his surroundings. He was somewhere very rocky and its didn’t look like there was any foliage in the area. A heavy fog had set in wherever he was so he couldn’t see more than a foot away from him. He carefully stood up, his legs still shaking.

           Where even am I? This doesn’t look like mine or Remus’s part of the imagination? As Roman thought that the fog  began to clear. The creative side looked up, horrified as he saw the mouth of a giant cave. He knew exactly where in the imagination he was in now. Roman began backing away form the cave, memories he’d rather forget coming to mind.

How could I come back?! I have to get out of here now! The prince turned to run away but tripped on a rock that he didn’t see.

“Ha! You’re so pathetic, its no wonder all the others hate you!” The voice shouted.

“Shut up” Roman whispered back as he covered his ears.

“You cant even do you’re one job right! Your useless and everyone knows it, especially Thomas!”

“Shut up.” The fog started to swirl around the side angrily.

“There’s no way Virgil could ever care about a weakling like you! He’ll just abandon you in the end, especially when he finds out what you did today!”

“I said shut up.” Romans voice now held a hard edge to it.

“Even your brother will leave you once he realizes he’s been wasting his time caring about you!”

“Shut up!” The fog had become a storm at this point, Roman kneeling in the eye of it.

“YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! YOU COULD CHANGE EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU AND YOU’LL STILL BE A WORTHLESS NOTHING! A BURDEN TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU!”

“SHUT UP” Roman yelled as he stood up and faced the storm around him, the voice having become the thunder. “DON’T YOU THINK IV BEEN TRYING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH?! IV BEEN TRYING MY WHOLE DAM LIFE TO BE THE PERSON THEY WANT ME TO BE!”

“AND YOU’VE FAILED! ALL YOU DO IS CAUSE PAIN TO THE ONES AROUND YOU! YOU CANT BE WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BE! HELL! YOU CANT EVEN BE WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE! YOU’RE NOT THOMAS’S HERO!”

Roman felt as if he’d just been stabbed in the gut. All the other things the voice said, he’d known all that, he’d just been trying to deny them, but today had confirmed it. He was no longer Thomas’s hero, the one thing that mattered most to him. The thing that made him keep trying to be better. Now all Thomas will sees when he looks at him is a villain.

The stormed died down as Roman fell to his knees, completely broken. The voice spoke again, this time much softer. The tone would have almost been comforting if not for the words it spoke.

“It would be better for everyone if you just disappeared.” Romans face held a sad smile as he heard those words.

“Your right. They would all be better off if I was gone. I wish I could just disappear.” You could practically hear the smile in the voice’s next words.

“That’s all I needed to hear.”

           Roman realized his mistake too late.

“No! Wai-” but before he could finish his sentence a golden chain wrapped round his arm. Roman struggled and tried to pull it off but to no avail. Before he knew it more and more chains continued to wrap around his limbs and drag him into the cave. Roman tried to resist but he was in no state to fight. The cave was much deeper than it appeared to be and by the time the creative side’s back hit the wall he was in near complete darkness. A figure started to emerge in front of him and Roman could do nothing but stair wide eyed in fear.

           By the time the thing in front of him completely took form the figure looked more like Roman than his own twin did. The only physical difference was a streak of black in his bangs and his outfit change. The thing wore a similar costume to that of the prince’s except the white was replaced with black and a long golden cape followed behind him. The insignia on his shoulder also had a golden crack in it going right down the middle.

           The figure took a deep breath and sighed.

“It’s nice to finally have a body again, its been ages since I’ve actually been able to walk around.” The figure opened his eyes and instead of the apple green Roman’s were they were a dark red that seemed to glow ever so softly golden. Roman gasped and simply continued to stare at the side in front of him.

“Do you honestly have nothing to say to me Roman? Are you not happy to see one of your oldest friend? The side sneered at the captured prince.

“I thought you were gone.” Roman said as he now glared at the other side. “I thought me and Remus got rid of you a long time ago.” The side smiled a cruel grin and laughed.

“You actually thought you got rid of me? Ha! I may have just been reduced to a voice in the back of your head but I was never gone.” The side pulled out golden sword and twirled it around.

“And now that you’re finally out of the way, I can finally take full creative control for myself.” The  figure started to walk out  of the cave as Roman struggled even harder to get out of his chains, he couldn’t risk letting him go and him hurting Remus, he had to do something! Not being able to get out of the chains Roman tried his last option, talking.

“PRIDE!”

           The side finally looked back at the sound of his name.

“Please,” Roman said, practically begging at this point, “please don’t hurt the others. Your conflict is with me so jut leave them out of this!” Roman yelled desperately while Pride smiled cruelly.

“You care a lot about them don’t you Roman.” He said in a smooth tone. His eyes seemed to glow a bit brighter and his smile grew ever so slightly.

“That’s exactly why I’m going to make their lives a living hell.”

           Pride continued waking even a Roman yelled at him to leave the others out of it. He smiled as he reached the open fields of the imagination and saw the closet door.

“You’ve had you chance at being in charge long enough Roman, now, its my turn.”

***

Remus knew something was wrong. He had just been drawing gore in his room when he felt as if the world had shifted. What in this horrible world was that? The duke thought to himself. Although he would usually ignore something like this part of his mind told him that something important just happened, and he needed to find out what it was.

Maybe Roman will have a clue whats wrong, he was summoned earlier to talk to Thomas right? Maybe thats why I feel like someone stabbed my brain with a rusted spoon? The creative side decided he would investigate and started heading over to Roman’s room. There was a heavy feeling of unease went he got to the light sides area which confused him.

Was the argument that bad? Usually this place is filled up with disgusting rainbow and sunshine feelings but now its just, dull. Nevertheless Remus continued forward and tried to open his twins room but was slightly surprised when he found it locked. Roman almost never locks his door. The duke was starting to worry about his brother so he sunk into his twin’s room, not bothering to knock of course.

The creative side was surprised when he didn’t find his twin but a much less energetic room than on average. Usually Roman’s room radiates creative and hopeful thoughts but today a feeling of hurt and anger covered the room. Ok so somethings definitely wrong here, and where the hell is Roman? The dark side thought as he looked around the room. Remus spotted something that might help him in his endeavors.

There on the window sill sat Alexander the venus fly trap, shaking like he was in  freezing cold weather. Remus crossed the room and petted the little plant.

“Hey little guy, do you know whats going on because I have absolutely no clue.” Alexander leaned into Remus’s hand as if he was trying to hide. Remus only became more concerned. He created Alexander to be a strong and brave creature, so if something scares him, it can’t be anything good. For the first time the duke noticed that Roman’s door to the imagination was open.

           Ok that’s definitely not a good sign. Before the creative side could go though the door he saw a humanoid figure approaching. Remus breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey Ro, you really got me worried there for a while.” The duke failed to notice that Alexander tried to hide even more as the side stepped though the door.

“Ha,” the figure said as it finally stepped tough the door, “sorry Remus, but I’m not Roman.” Pride smiled as he saw Remus’s face turn white as the duke recognized him. The dark side jumped back as he summoned his morning star.

           “Wheres Roman?!” Remus shouted. Pride laughed at him.

“Your dear brother is gone, and soon you will be too.” The new side said as he drew his sword. Remus growled in pure anger and charged forward at the side. Pride dodged Remus swings easily and landed many blows. The creative side wasn’t in the right head space to fight as he worried about what Pride could have done to his brother. In a matter of minutes Pride had managed to disarm the duke and cornered him, the room nearly being destroyed in their fight.

           “You’re nearly as pathetic as Roman and I didn’t even think that was possible.” Pride laughed as Remus growled at the fact that someone would dare talk about his twin in such a way.

“You’re just a stupid little beast. Actually,” Pride said as a smile made its way onto his face, “that gives me an idea.” The red clad side snapped his fingers and Remus let out a scream of.              pain and shut his eyes tightly.

When he opened them he looked up at his now much taller foe. The duke raised his hands to look at himself and saw that they had been transform into, green tentacles?! Remus tried to curse but he could only make small clicking sounds with his beak. Pride chuckle and using his powers crafted a tank on the still standing desk. He then proceeded to pick up the green octopus and chucked it into the tank, Remus slowly sinking to the bottom and as a lid was placed over the inclosure.

Pride, now having full creative control, fixed the room with a wave of his hand. The room took up a much darker aesthetic with black and gold being the main colors. The new side smiled at his work. Things were finally going his way after so long of waiting. A dark smile came onto his face as he whispered to himself,

“Long live the new king.”

Tag list:

@lovelivingmydreams

[dadzawa-adopt-dabi]

“Why is arson always your first answer?” for the promot list. Go nuts.

(fuck canon. Keigo didn’t have enough time to warn the LoV so everyone thinks he betrayed them. but he didn’t. Dabi also didn’t manage to get the wings all the way burnt off. just mostly.)

Keigo was realsed from the hospital with several doctors trying to make him see reason and stay. He technically shouldn’t be leaving and was doing so against medical advice. He just hoped that he wasn’t too late still.

The base was mostly destroyed, the main battle hadn’t taken place here but the side fighting had certainly caused enough damage. He skirted around the building until he saw where parts of it had caved in, Dabi having a meltdown as he had walked in on Hawks ‘killing’ Jin. The way he’d reacted had just worsened it and in the end Dabi had almost completly burned his wings all the way off. Right now they would regrow, but if he had gone any further they wouldn’t have. And then keigo would be useless. He hoped Jin was awake by now.

He checked the woods and found him, maskless because he’s been having a good day before the raid and one of his clones had wanted a turn to wear it. He was knocked out and sleeping aginst the trunk of a tree. Fuck, he shouldn’t have left hiim here. who knows if he would have woken up if the fighthad gotten too close. He hadn’t had time to plan, this was all last minute and it was still no excuse. Dabi thought he had killed their friend in front of them, the rest of the league thought he’d betrayed them.

Truthfully he thought as he knelt down and shook Jin’s shoulder, he almost had. There hadn’t been a plan to save Jin when he went in. There hadn’t been any plan but to complete the mission and then without thinking about it, he’d changed sides. He guessed. 

“twice. cmon man.” He shook Jin’s shoulder a little harder and Jin snapped awake. Grabbing Hawks arm and throwing him down beside him onto his injured back as he let out a scream of pain.

“You killed me! you tried to arrest me and betrayed us and the you killed me in front of Dabi!” He roared as Hawks blinked his vision clear. Angrily stumbling to his feet and standing over Hawks.

“Fuck. Alive, Your Alive you dumbass.” He choked out between gasps as his back contined to spasm on the forset floor. he was supposed to keep his wounds clean, well not like it could get any worse.

“How do I know that?” JIn pressed his foot down on Hawks ribs as he spoke, grasping his head as he spoke. Tears were streaming down his face and he was feeling up his pockets for some thing. Hawks realized it was Toga’s hankerchief and his heart panged. Its how he had know that twice he killed was a clone. Jin didn’t carry the hankerchief around when he had his mask available, too afraid it would get dirty and lost. “Don’t call me stupid when your dumb enough to think I needed tutoring.”

“Mask.” Keigo shoved his hands in his pockets and brought out a ski mask. He should have given this to Twice right away. He didn’t know how to do this at all, its like all the social skills and thought out plans he used for spying left. He was lucky he had even seen one on the way here.

“Where’s Dabi. And get fucked. what he said.” Jin yanked it on and stopped crushing Hawks ribs. Boot still on his chest ready to restart.

“your alive, i didn’t kill you.” The traitor started only to get cut off.

“Thats not what i asked.” He put some pressure back on Hawks as he squirmed.  “Did you kill him too?”

“For fucks sake i didn’t kill you Jin. I fucking saved you and Dabi burnt my goddam wing nearly the hell off. I didnt have fucking time to goddam fucking plan this shit okay much less explain anything?”

“Your coming with me.” Jin yanked him up off the ground and as he turned him around he saw his back. bleeding through the dirty bandages, he almost felt bad for him but he was the one who had crossed the league. 

“ see? Dabi burnt my wings and i didn’t kill you.” Keigo tried to jerk himself out of Jin’s grasp without sucess.

“Go fuck yourself, we all know your a liar. I don’t care Hawks, and I don’t belive you.” Jin didn’t have his phone and Keigo couldn’t get ahold of anyone, not that that was suprising. so they walked out of the disaster area and got on a bus Jin made Hawks pay for. They sat in tense silent as Jin lead him to their next meeting point, it didn’t matter if he showed Hawks where it was. He wasn’t leaving there alive.

They got off and Hawks stumbled as Jin moved him roughly to keep him in front of him as they walked a couple blocks. They stopped outside a abandoned run down love hotel, going down the adjacent alley to the side entarence with its lock broken off. JIn swung it open and shoved Hawks through first, Hawks back spasamed again against his palm and he grit his teeth.

right away as they stepped in blue flames flew at him as he let his legs go out and fall to avoid them.

“Dabi? are you alive?” Jin stepped over Hawks and into the base. “I lived bitch, maybe, I’m not sure.”

Dabi’s quirk dissapeared immediatly and Keigo dragged himself over to sit against the wall as he watched the reunion. 

“Jin? you, i saw him-.” there was a choked off noise as Dabi stared at him.

“why is your hair white? did i miss your big reveal?” Jin’s hands hovered around Dabi as he took in the new hair and burns. “ Looks hot, i like it. “

“Im going to set you on fucking fire again.” Dabi roared and lunged for him, Sako holding him back so they could get the full story. Shigaraki meanicingly approached him instead and crouched down in front of him.

“why is arson always your first awnser?” He asked as he braced himself for the interragation to follow.

[bitchfury]

my first time watching perks

during the summer i finally decided it would be a good time to see what all of the hype was about for perks, so i went on youtube and rented it out, excited to see all of the great things this ‘coming of age’ movie had to offer.

if you don’t know who i am or my story, watch this movie.

i was shocked by this movie, i didn’t read anything about it which is kind of surprising since social media makes it hard to not get spoiled. so i guess i was pretty lucky.. or unlucky. 

*spoiler alert

charlie in the beginning stages

the movie starts off with charlie (logan lerman) in school, alone. it’s hinted that something happened to him last year that really impacted his life. the audience is thinking wow, i wonder what happened to him to make him this way. i like this because the movie doesn’t bombard you with what happened right away, it lets you wonder as you get to know charlie and how he interacts with people.

also, keep in mind that charlie is usually alone in most of the scenes before he meets his friends. he has these deep intrusive thoughts that nobody really sees him, or notices him. 

he then slowly becomes a part of a friend group with sam (emma watson) and patrick (ezra miller) because while at a party after getting high, charlie tells sam that last year his best friend shot himself. wow. that’s some heavy shit especially since charlie is in like, grade 11? so having to go through a loss by suicide when your in grade 10 must of been hard, and is why charlie was so bad last year.

the next parts of the movie are parts i blacked out on, don’t get be wrong - the movie is a masterpiece in my eyes - it’s just it was way too painfully accurate on my own life and struggles. hell, if i was a historical figure, i wouldn’t need a movie showcasing my life cause perks was just that accurate that it could be my own documentary.

charlies first kiss and girlfriend

charlie develops this crush on sam (she doesn’t really know) but during a scene with them both in sam’s bedroom, sam reveals a deep secret that traumatized her deeply : TW : she was sexually abused as a child. this is revealed in a state of vulnerability, and also subconsciously makes charlie more bonded towards sam in a way that is revealed later on in the movie. 

“I’m telling you this because I want your first kiss to be with someone you love.“ is sam’s words to charlie, and they both end up kissing. 

 unfortunately, charlie and sam aren’t coupling just yet. remember : this movie is not a romance, it’s getting over trauma.

charlie ends up dating another girl in the friend group : mary elizabeth, who he doesn’t actually love. he stays with her, i assume because of the fact he doesn’t want to lose his friends and also because he was set up with her in a way.

they both end things in a game of truth or dare when one of the boys dare him to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, and charlie hesitates between mary elizabeth and sam. 

the results to this is charlie being ghosted by his friends and his getting bad again.

the fight, kiss with patrick

after the 2 week hiatus from his friends, charlie gets into a fight with patrick’s secret lover’s (who is the son of a very homophobic man) brad’s friends. because brad doesn’t want anyone to know he’s gay and also because the last time he was with patrick, his dad walked in and beat him up. the reason charlie gets involved with this fight is because brad’s friends are ganging up on patrick and beating him up so charlie has to come up and help his friend out.

they both end up leaving the school and hanging out. charlie talks about how this happened after the fight, and how patrick was so torn up about brad. the days they hung out would start of good and then end with patrick having a meltdown. during one of these hangouts patrick says something along the lines of “i just need a really good guy..” and he turns to charlie, kissing him.

revealed is how charlie views consent. he let’s patrick kiss him, not only because ‘thats are what friends are for’ but because he has this ‘selfless’ persona that developed when he was young so he lets things happen to him, even if it makes him feel used.

the secrets he’s had to keep for others

here’s a list of all of the ‘our little secret’ moments

- his aunt

- his sister after getting slapped

- patrick and brad kissing

watch the movie!

so what happened to him? and the end

one of the reoccuring things in the movie that i forgot to mention was that charlie would have these flashback moments, the further the movie went the longer they would be. as if he’s getting comfortable with his friends, himself and the audience. comfortable enough to show us the things he went through.

tw sexual abuse

charlie’s aunt died on christmas. charlie has that feeling he should be sad, but in reality he’s more traumatized because the ‘our little secret’ moment he had with his aunt was that she was molesting him.

this is about as much as i’m going to say about that scene because it’s honestly really triggering for me - someone who was also sexually abused/assaulted as a kid. 

the end was honestly so beautiful and tragic. charlie has had so many terrible things happen to him in his life, and the ending just encapsuled that and made it beautiful. him celebrating the fact that he’s no longer alone. and that he’s free.

and yes, sam and charlie do end up together in the end.

[multyfandoms-imagines]

Lobotomy Corporation fluff

<it took me way longer then i thought>

-Random day turned out to be a party because why not. You cant change my mind that I wouldnt want to just start a party in Facility with employees and Abnormalities. You are a lvl 5 agent here-

Day 72, you had been stuck in here for so long that you forgot how does the sun look like. All these "ordeals" and "meltdowns"... Not to mention Abnormalities that can easily kill humans or even worse, turn them into their hosts. The fact, that you survived for so long has both good and bad sides. Good is that you help new employees (God, poor them) to not die so quickly... Bad is the ammount of deaths you had seen and got into "almost certan death" situations is just.. Traumizing...

You cant even look at some Abnormalities without having flashbacks of someone they murdered/turned. You just need a day off... Time for yourself. To relax. To forget those troubles you have... Even for a day...So you get in your bed and close your eyes...

... After ~20 minutes you heard knocking on your door. Gah... Who needs you now? Its your day off! Why wou- .. Nevermind. Just get up, get to them, ask what they need and done.

What do they mean by "party"?

Oh. Party...And you can be a part of it...Well...Why not? It should help you to get bad thoughts from your head- Why the heck are Abnormalities here?! Dont employees realise, that they are about to-!?

Oh wait. Hold up. Nothing to worry about. Abnos are friendly for today. Huh... Guess you can have fun in here.

"Child" Abnormalities are the easiest to talk with. They are just kids (well.. HE risked kids, but you get my idea), not like they can tear you apart. "Silent" or not very talkative can be easily avoided and... Birds, Nothing There, Scarecrow... Jeez, seems like neither Manager, Angela or Sephiras care about "breaching" Abnormalities. Especially Gebura. Shouldnt she just run in and swing her fists at them already? Well, nobody and nothing wants to ruin your fun here so... I guess its fine.

Thankfully, their happy mood gives alot of energy, basicly a free energy if you ask me. Drinks are ... normal, aside from Opened Can of "Wellchears", they always have unusual taste. Food is also fine. Nothing too "unusual" or "disgusting".

Some Abnormalities are actually... Pretty good once you got to know them. They just dont like being stuck in their empty tiny rooms. But thats fair, everyone would feel like this if they got into such condition.

Silent Orchestria made a pretty performance with non-deadly music, everyone were so happy and it was so much fun! And the best thing is that Silent Orchestria DIDNT steal energy! Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be day off too!

Thats sad that everything has to end. But do not worry! Most Abnormalities and employees promissed that this party wont be the last one! You now know better how to work with them and get more energy, less accidents, less deaths, less bad news and more good news! You cant wait for another party and, maybe, make few gifts for some employees and Abnormalities.

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it��s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening