#i hate how negative i am being lately but i just feel on a weird rollacoaster all of the time? does it even make sense?

[the---hermit]

Armchair beloved and current cosy read.

05|05|2024

In the past few days I have not been able to study and work on my paper, but it was quite busy nonetheless. I am feeling weird honestly, I get overstimulated very easily and I have a sense of overwhelme that is always a bit in the background, but I can't really figure out why. I am trying to focus on things one day at the time, take my meds and enjoy the small things. After being in a reading slump for a while I decided to reread A Psalm For The Wild Built, and so I am slowly diving back into this comforting book. It was one of my favourites last year, and I can definitely benefit from the calm and cosy vibes of the novel. I have also been listening to a lot of podcasts, Monstrous Agonies being my comfort thing™ lately, but also The Mistholme Museum Of Mystery Morbidity And Mortality (the fact that there will be just one more episode has me in an existential crisis, what will I do without guide????) and of course re:dracula. I decided to do the Dracula reread of the year with the podcast again because it's just too good.

[daycourtofficial]

Hello. If you dont mind i have a request for azriel where maybe reader has just given birth and has lately been feeling very insecure about her body and azriel comforts her...with lots of fluff

A New Warmth

Sorry about how long this took anon, but I hope the wait was worth it!

-

You watch the baby nestled in the crook of your arms, mirroring her deep breaths to keep yourself calm. She was so soft, so sweet, and whenever she reached for you, it made your heart melt. She was everything you and Azriel had hoped for - healthy, chubby, and sweet as can be. She even had the cutest little wings that twitched in her sleep.

The problem with having an Illyrian baby is you develop an Illyrian’s appetite while pregnant with them, along with the other stretching and tearing your body has gone through to accommodate her.

She was two weeks old at this point, and you knew you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Your body created this - a perfect mirror of you and your mate. But you couldn’t help the negative thoughts fluttering through your mind as your hand rested on your stomach, knowing the fresh stretch marks that lay underneath. You gained a good deal of weight during the pregnancy, your labor only removing about a dozen of those pounds.

As if sensing your spiraling thoughts, your mate walks in the door of your shared bedroom, his eyes alight with love and adoration at seeing his two girls.

“My loves,” he greets the both of you, setting the mugs of tea he had brought down, lifting the blanket to lat next to you. His presence under the blanket providing a new layer of warmth- not just physical, but the warmth of the three of you being together.

You lean your head against his shoulder as he wraps an arm behind you, slowly to not disturb the baby in your arms. “Will I ever get my body back?” You mumble into his shoulder. His fingers start caressing your shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into it.

“Mmm, no, I don’t think you will.” You want to snap your head up, tell him that’s no way to console someone who had just pushed out his baby out of a tiny opening in their body when he uses his hand to hold your head in place.

“We will never be the same. We cannot go back.” He looks down at the baby in your arms, “maybe one day you’ll have more autonomy again - you won’t have a baby latched to your breast every other hour.”

His hand snakes down to rest on top of the hand you’re using to cradle the baby. “But she’ll always be a part of you.” The baby starts stirring, moving her tiny hands, and he reaches out a finger, which she quickly wraps her delicate fingers around. You both watch the scarred flesh in the pristine grasp of your innocent babe, no idea of an outside world that could cause harm. All she knows is the sanctuary of your home.

You look at Azriel with tears in your eyes, feeling incredibly silly over being upset at stretch marks. But as if he can read your mind, he tells you, “you have constantly given me what I thought I’d never have. You loved me, you gave me a true home, you gave me a mate, and now?” He laughs, flexing his finger in her grasp. “You’ve expanded our family. You gorgeous thing, you.”

He kisses the top of your head, inhaling your scent. “Your love knows no bounds, and I am eternally grateful for you.”

You start crying, post partem hormones taking control of you. “It’s so shallow,” you laugh as a tear falls, “I just was so upset over how weird my body feels. The pregnancy glow is gone so now I just feel heavy and weird in my own skin.”

He uses the hand not gripped by your baby to grab your chin and tilt it towards him. “I couldn’t look at my hands for a long time, after they had done it.”

Azriel always has a way of leaving you speechless, telling you another facet of himself he never had before.

“I could barely look at them before I met you. But you called them beautiful, this part of me I hated so much.” He looks into your eyes, the bond between you two humming in joy and adoration. “It’s okay if you don’t like how you look right now, I will find you beautiful enough for the both of us.”

[velvetvexations]

I'm sure there are people who like it and they're valid. And though it may very well be damning to my point, I admit Dick leaving Bruce and becoming Nightwing in a completely amicable way is how it was originally.

But I am like, super not into that. It's so much more interesting when the break-up was messy and even toxic. I'm not saying they should stay enemies forever and ever - I am a noted fan of Batman Beyond's "Bruce eventually drives away literally everyone", but that's just one canon and IMO not the only interesting way for the future to go - I just think that at least at the start of his career as an independent, adult superhero, that drama between Dick and Bruce is good shit and gives them an arc to work through. All the better if part of what brings them back to friendly terms is Jason's death.

I also think it's kinna lame to have Dick just declare out-loud that Bruce kept Dick from becoming like himself. That's a beautiful concept that's evolved within growing interpretations of their relationship and the fascinating contrast between "everyone on some level hates Bruce" and "everyone fucking loves the shit out of Dick". Spelling it out within the text, within actual dialogue, feels so...clumsy and unsubtle.

Or maybe that's only because it's in the context of the amicable split. Like it's kinna weird because if they have this really amazing relationship that's not hitting any rough patches why is there this intensely negative perception of what being like Bruce entails? If Dick was like, monologuing to himself about it, or he and Bruce were having that conversation as part of their big moment of reconciliation so Dick is effectively saying like:

"You're an asshole, you fucking asshole, but I love you and I'm not going to let you be alone just because you didn't have anyone in your life to save you from what you saved me from."

Now that's some fucking pathos, baby.

Of course, a lot of this is all within the context of just taking for granted that Batman is kinna an asshole. Because that really only started in the 90s, before that he was not NEARLY so grim and dour, he smiled and cracked jokes, he was basically just A Guy in pretty much every way. When they went hard on edging him up it became a fundamental aspect of his personality, culminating in Tower of Babel, which I think is a fucking masterpiece for really digging into the complexity of Batman's dickishness. The best part, though, isn't even in the main JLA book, but a tie-in afterwards that shows Dick and Tim being mistrusted by their teammates and Oracle bitterly notes that she's been getting less requests to help out lately. That fucking rules, that's great storytelling.

But it does kinna suck that the version of Bruce that wasn't so dour, was interesting and complex and capable of being in highly interesting storylines that didn't revolve around what a motherfucker he is has been entirely obliterated from the franchise.

[sensitiveheartless]

20 questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @feralrookie! :D Thank you for the tag!!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

10! (technically, kinda)

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

379,547

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Bungou Stray Dogs! It's also the first fandom I've written for, actually. :D

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

This is how it feels to take a fall (Dazai goes feral, time shenanigans)

Plate :( (Dazai breaks a plate, experiences emotions)

Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency (Howl's Moving Castle AU)

Chuunyaa's Pawsitively Catastrophic Day (Chuuya is turned into a cat, it's short and pretty much just shenanigans)

Wish in one hand (First fic I wrote, and the first one I posted — Dazai has emotions about handholding)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but I've been absolutely terrible at it lately — whenever I'm particularly stressed I start worrying that the negative emotions are going to leak through into what I'm writing and make my tone sound weird, so then I end up turtling in on myself and not saying anything at all, no matter how much I want to engage with people. It's a bad habit, and I want to work on it, so I'm gonna try to catch up on comments! (I treasure every single one of the ones I receive, so for anyone who has left a comment and hasn't gotten a response from me yet, thank you and I am very sorry about my inability to form words in a timely manner skdjfksd)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably An Unsent Letter, since it's pretty much just a short snippet of Dazai being sad while he's leaving the mafia. And even with that one, I have in my head that skk still get together after the four years apart, I just didn't write it. I am dreadful with sad endings — although the ending to "This is how it feels to take a fall" is a little bittersweet, perhaps.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm...I'm gonna say Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency, because it's the one with the longest buildup, so I think it has the most catharsis, at least for me! But I tend to give all of my fics happy endings because, as established, I am a wimp when it comes to hardcore angst. I will say that Zut Alors I Have Missed One is probably a contender for happiest as well, just because that fic had no angst whatsoever and was just Unhinged

8. Do you get hate on fic?

Nope! Everyone's been lovely! I have gotten some for my art, but honestly it was pretty toothless and I couldn't take it seriously lol

9. Do you write smut?

...Yeh. :0 There was an attempt, at least — one fic, and I made it anonymous (so on the extreme off-chance that anyone notices a discrepancy between my total ao3 wordcount listed here and the summed up wordcounts of the fics viewable on my profile, that's why!) It's also another fic I need to finish, I hit my writing roadblock with that one at the same time as all my others, and it's almost doneeee I just need my brain to cooperate >:|

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not any proper crossovers, only things like the Howl AU and the Little Mermaid AU, where I took the settings/plots and put in BSD characters.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

...Possibly? I'm not actually sure, I've given a couple people permission, but I'm not sure if anything came of that, I haven't heard one way or another :0 I do have a tendency to use puns, which I realize might make things difficult for translations

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, not so far — and given how tempestuous my schedule has been, it'll probably be a while before I attempt anything like that! Sounds fun, though

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

...I mean, it's gotta be soukoku, because for all that I've enjoyed a lot of fictional pairings before (for example, Howl and Sophie specifically from the HMC books, Beatrice and Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing — I like bickering duos, what do you know — Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane, currently falling down the Hualian rabbithole because I'm reading Heaven Official's Blessing with my friend, and there's lots of other ones), for as much as I like all those, I haven't really had much of an urge to write anything for them.

So, purely in terms of me wanting to mess around with two characters and write them over and over and over again, it's really only skk! They hit the exact right combination of braincells, I guess lololol

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

Hmmm...honestly, most of my WIPs I still intend to finish at some point or another — first priority being the ones I've already started posting, of course! Although...just due to time constraints, I might not get around to writing the thief!Chuuya/detective!Dazai one I was planning a while back. (and I mean a WHILE lol) I didn't write very much of it, and honestly most of the reason I wanted to write it was for comedy — so maybe I'll turn it into a short comic series instead, because I do think some of the bits were funny :0

16. What are your writing strengths?

That's a hard one; I tend to look more at the ways I want to improve my writing then at what I like about it, and I nitpick just about everything I create, art and writing alike. But if I had to pick something, I would probably say dialogue? That tends to be what I write easiest, at least. I still want to get better at that too, though.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions and action scenes. I've been making myself write them more, so I think I'm slowly improving (the Howl AU has been great for that! It pushed me to write all sorts of scenes I wouldn't have normally :D ), but those two things remain what I get bogged down by the most.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Depends on the circumstances, I think? I'd include translations if I did. I do tend to include Japanese honorifics when I'm writing in the canon universe, because there's not really english equivalents and it feels like I'm leaving something out when I just do their names straight — although I did take them out when I was doing the Howl AU and the Little Mermaid AU, just as a setting thing.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Bungou Stray Dogs — like I mentioned in the ship section, this is the first fandom where I've really felt the urge. Although I did write things when I was little that very blatantly yoinked in various creatures and concepts from the things I was reading and watching, which resulted in stories with pirates and weeping angels and Ringwraiths all running around in the same place. But I didn't usually bother with bringing in actual characters from those pieces of media, or even using the settings, I just made ocs and had them run around in my own made up world.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I like all of them for different reasons, but I think my favorite overall has to be Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency. It's the longest thing I've ever written, and when I started out I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it — so the fact that it's most of the way done (currently chipping away at the epilogue, it is getting to be a LOT of words) makes me really happy. And it's just been so much fun! Writing characters I hadn't before, piecing the world together, working out the magic system, writing Dazai being a mess and Chuuya being cool, it's all been a blast. And I seriously need to finish the epilogue, because the followups are living in my brain and they demand to be freed aksdfjksdjfk

But yeah! I'm not sure how many writers I know on here have already been tagged, so I'll just go open tags on this one! :D If any of y'all write and feel like doing this, then go for it!

[aromantic-diaries]

I guess what makes me feel more awkward about my sex repulsion is how I feel like I'm either the "no kink at pride" group or the ace those people about when they say "think of the poor asexuals". I love the city near me's pride parade but there have been a couple times I've felt a bit uncomfortable. Like when my friend had to let me know that those nice looking dog hats and stuff a bunch of people were wearing was a kink thing and not just cool coordinated outfits. Or when some older butch lesbians handed an invite for some sort of leathery afterparty late at night. Or the times I was queueing and a couple in front of me were kissing passionately. Like good for you guys to be able to do this in public but your mouth has been in their mouth for the past minute and I am stuck half a meter away just waiting for some loaded fries. I guess it doesn't help much that mouth noises are the worst trigger of my misophonia.

Of course the personal twitter mob that lives rent free in my brain (which I think/hope is my OCD) completely ignores important details. I have no excuse for me being weirded out by the dog guys, but for the other ones I just felt uncomfortable because they were all a lot older than me and now I had to go find somewhere to discretely dispose of the invite, and hopefully it's reasonable that I don't like being stuck right behind someone loudly kissing. But my brain sees none of this and jumps immediately to "OMG YOU HATE OTHER LGBT PEOPLE! SEE YOU ARE THE DISGUSTING NAZI I'VE BEEN SAYING YOU WERE ONE SLIP AWAY FROM BECOMING!"

Also a few years ago I was on a boat tour on the Seine for a school trip and I was just trying to take photos of the buildings but a couple right behind me was making out. I wanted to complain to some of my internet friends but they were just like "you're in Paris the day after Valentine's day, let people have their fun". I don't want to be a killjoy I just really don't like being forced into close proximity with people making out.

While I don't have a solution for your problem, I can still assure you that your discomfort doesn't make you a bad person. There's this idea that has spread around in the age where every thought and opinion is put on display for all to see that you have to be okay with everything and if a harmless thing makes you uncomfortable that automatically means you're a bad person, but that's bullshit

It is true that a negative emotional reaction to something doesn't mean that the thing is immoral, but at the same time, having that reaction doesn't mean you morally oppose that thing. It is what it is. I don't like watching people kiss or hearing about their sex lives, that doesn't make me a raging homophobe and you being uncomfortable about sex doesn't mean you're a terrible person. It just means you don't like sex. You're not violently attacking people, you're just having a negative emotional reaction. You don't have to be okay with everything that makes you uncomfortable

[niuniente]

Regarding fandoms and comments, I've recently had negative comments that tell me I'm not good and should just quit writing. Well, it worked. I no longer am able to write without it affecting my mental state. People who do the bullying do it to get rid of authors they don't like that doesn't fit their mindset. When does it end? I didn't want it to hurt my mental health and get me to quit, but it did.

People treating each other badly whenever they can never ceases to make me sad.

I try to think the quote "hurt people hurt people" when dealing with negative people. Happy, balanced people, who view others as their equals, have no need to leave negative comments, send hate messages etc. to others just because they can.

Take a little break but don't let anyone stop you from doing what you love! I try to keep this mentality and I always think about how Billy Idol (80's famous singer) just kept pushing forward whenever someone or something said no to him:

When he was a child, he wanted to play a guitar. Parents said "No, you can only play a violin" -> Billy secretly got himself a guitar with 5£ at the age of 9 and learned to play it by himself.

His teenage girlfriend dyed his hair white. Everyone said it looked horrible on him -> Billy kept the white hair and made it his trademark.

He discovered punk and FINALLY managed to put a band together in his late teens. Too bad that London, where he lived, had closed all bars and pubs from punk bands. They weren't legally allowed to play anywhere. -> Billy and a few other guys established their own place for all punk bands, where all where welcome to play.

He went to university to study music. He was bullied and ostracized by other students as he was too weird, too freaky looking and listened to punk instead of jazz -> He was lonely but staid in the school and kept his looks and music taste.

He started to dislike being a band member and wanted to have a solo career. Everyone said you can't make it, you suck, you can't make compose a shit -> Billy decided to start a solo career as Billy Idol anyway.

When he started to get a little footing in the Europe, he decided that he wants to go to USA. It would give him better markets and more chances to succeed. Too bad that Europe's most famous punk band, Sex Pistols, has just epically failed in their attempts to make it in the USA. America hated punk and Billy Idol was nobody compared to Sex Pistols. Everyone called him delusional for having such stupid dreams. -> Billy went to USA anyway

In America, all record labels he went to said the same thing; you will never make it here. You sing punk and we hate it. You sing with British English and we hate it. You look so fucking ugly that no one will come to see you. If you want to succeed here, you need to change your music style for radio friendly stuff, change your accent and change your looks. -> Billy thought that if singing with American accents helps, he does it. Otherwise, fuck you. This is the music he wants to do and this is his style and how he wants to look. -> This decision led him to become super famous. Everyone loved his music and the fucking ugly guy became one of the 80's sex symbols, and his music videos were literally directed to sell with sex to the female audience.

Also, it was told him with dead certainty by many people that your music will never play in radios. EVER. Well, what do you know, his music still plays in the radios, 40 years later :3

So, keep going! Keep writing! There's audience for every single style out there and just because some asshat wasn't impressed, it doesn't mean others wouldn't like your stuff.

I mean, how much emphasis do we want to put into asshats words anyway? Which matters more; some random asshat's feelings or our own joy and inspiration when we do something creative?

[shinescape]

Guilt Trip

Minho x Reader

Requested!

note: i did not proofread this and it's super late where i am but anon i hope you feel better soon! sending hugs your way and have a good read!

It was supposed to be a memorable trip but here you were in the hotel room all by yourself. Walking over to the window, you saw the others down by the beach, fooling around by the campfire and laughing as if there’s no tomorrow. Your eyes scanned the poorly lit beach, trying to find that one particular human being that has been avoiding you like the plague. 

“Where is he?” Your brows furrowed when you can’t spot your boyfriend amongst the people. Scenarios started popping up in your head as you crawled up to the bed and leaned your back on the headboard. You‘re starting to regret telling the other that you weren’t feeling well and wanted to hide out in the room but a part of you hoped for something else. Something that sounded more like a miracle at this point.

Sighing you went to check your socials. It made you even more depressed. You’d be like them too if only Minho wasn’t behaving like how he was the whole trip. Posting cute photos with silly filters on, trying local street food, splashing salty sea water at each other. But no, none of that happened and it was already the last night of the trip. 

As you drown yourself in those negative thoughts, a series of knocks could be heard at the door. You wanted to shout that the door wasn’t locked but obviously it needs a key card to enter and you’re not in the mood to leave the bed anymore and hoped the person, whoever it was, would just leave. But of course nothing ever goes your way, not even with your hotel room. The minute the door unlocked, you immediately pulled the covers over your head. 

“I saw movement, don’t even try to pretend, babe.” 

It took you less than a second to recognise that voice and popped out from your hideout. It was the person you’ve been wanting to see and now that he’s finally right in front of you, it feels weird. You eyed him oddly as he stepped closer to the bed. Hands on his hips as he eyed you up and down with that signature frown. I hate how cute he looks frowning like that. 

“What are you glaring at?”  

“What are you doing here, Minho? Shouldn’t you be down there, making sure everything doesn’t get out of hand?” Your eyes never left his face as you pulled your legs up and hugged them. Clad in just a white cotton shirt and blue jeans, you held back from losing your mind and trying to stay focused on being upset with him. It was not an easy task. 

“I heard from the others that you’re not feeling well.” He leaned over and placed the back of his hand on your forehead. He pulled back and asked a few more questions that you’re not interested in answering at all. Without much thought, you pulled him down and he fell not so gracefully on the bed. 

Somehow you sensed that he was getting annoyed. But you wanted to be selfish for your feelings once.Before he could get up, you engulfed him in a hug. He huffed out loud and tried to wriggle out from your hold. “What are you doing?” 

“Minho, you’ve been neglecting me this whole trip. Let me do whatever I want for once.” 

You were ready for him to scold you or tell you off but he didn’t so you slowly moved away from him. Minho got up so fast that you were now suddenly pinned down on the bed with him hovering dangerously close to you. You nervously gulped at how serious his expression was. “Anything specific you want to do?” you shook your head aggressively, hoping he would just stop because it was starting to scare you how assertive he was all of a sudden. You could literally feel his breath now. 

“Tell me what you want before I change my mind.” His face suddenly softened at the sight of you pouting with eyes suddenly getting watery. He let out a sigh as he lay down and straight away gathered you in his arms. “Dummy.” mumbling as he pulled you closer, placing a kiss on your head.

You turned around and took in his features as if you don’t see him everyday. “Stay with me.” He rolled his eyes at your words. “You were so distant and acted as if I didn’t exist so I told everyone that I wasn’t feeling well when I actually hoped that you would come to check up on me. And you did!” You then surprised him with a peck on the lips and snuggled closer to his chest. 

Minho didn’t say anything back and watched at how your lips curled up into a content smile as you pressed your cheek against his chest, arms tightly wrapped around him. “I don’t want anything from you, just stay here and hug me till the sun rises up.” 

“If you keep talking, I’m going to kiss you.” He threatened. You leaned back and puckered up your lips at Minho. He did the eye roll again before placing his lips on yours. The action caught you off guard but it was glad knowing he finally wanted to spend time together. Minho pulled away to admire your features and unconsciously mimicked your smile. He thought you were okay with how things progressed in the relationship. Now it’s all clear as day. Seeing you happy made his day too and that’s all he ever needed. 

[panharmonium]

What do you think about this: "Kakashi was never interested in Sasuke as an individual, he only projected himself into him and saw a smaller version of himself on Sasuke, Sasuke was never Sasuke to him, just a little Kakashi". I wanted to know your opinion because I miss your meta posts and I feel like lately people are hating Kakashi for things that aren't real :/, also you are really good at explaining and I feel that both characters need love

Hello! Thanks for the question!

The answer to "what do i think about this" is, honestly, that I don't think about it X) I watched the whole show without engaging with the fandom at all (for fear of spoilers, initially), so I was able to experience it without being exposed to anyone else's thoughts, and now that I'm done I generally still avoid poking around, because devoting mental energy to opinions that I find bizarre/not supported by the text doesn't enhance my fandom experience.

Kakashi and Sasuke's relationship is one of the most compelling things about the series to me. I was very surprised when I finished the show/manga and first exposed myself to the fandom only to find so few people invested in them, but at this point I've (mostly) stopped asking myself "what show was everyone else watching" and just settled into enjoying the show that I watched, because that's more fun for me. I can't convince people not to dislike Kakashi if that's what they want to do. I do find it a little weird, because I don't think that's what the story is asking from us, but as long as people mind their business and aren't bugging me on my own blog, they're free to do what they want.

I know it can be frustrating when there are people hating various characters for "things that aren't real," but the fact that these criticisms aren't "real" is precisely why I generally avoid engaging with them. For Kakashi, specifically, there are certain things people can say that will immediately make me stop taking them seriously - "projecting" is one. "Bootlicking" is another, but again, these terms are so wildly inaccurate that I'm not interested in talking about them. The manga and the show are easily accessible; if people want to rewatch/re-read them, they can.

In general, I just prefer to avoid engaging with most of the fandom negativity I see. I think overall most of the rancor I've stumbled across boils down to people engaging with the story in very ungenerous ways, if that makes sense, and that's not how I prefer to read/watch things. Like - back when I was still in the middle of watching the show, I remember someone sent me a message saying that they loved seeing me talk about the story with earnestness/joy, and it was such a lovely message to receive, but it also made me pause and wonder for a second if this was really an uncommon enough thing to be remarked upon. Wouldn't that be the default? Aren't we all here because we love the story and the characters so much? But the truth is that sometimes it does feel like large chunks of fandom spaces (not just Naruto, I mean; I've certainly experienced this elsewhere) are very focused on being negative about "things that aren't real," as you said. Like - people calling Sakura "abusive" for bopping Naruto on the head when he says something rude, when this is not something the text is even remotely trying to say about her. People writing off Jiraiya's entire storyline because of the non-consensual spying on women - which, yes, of course, is disgusting and wrong. Obviously. I am very aware of that. However, I can simultaneously recognize that the story isn't really interested in that or intending me to read it like that; the voyeurism is written as a joke (yes, I understand how gross that is) and there are a hundred potential personal and/or patriarchal and/or genre-related and/or cultural factors that may have gone into Kishimoto writing this particular fail. If I want to understand and appreciate what the story was ACTUALLY trying to communicate with Jiraiya (that he's an idealist who gave up on the world when everything went wrong, who turned to shallow pleasures of the flesh to distract him from the pain of his disillusionment, and who was finally restored to his former faith after meeting Naruto), then I have to mindfully set the voyeurism aside and go, "This writer wrote a gross thing, and I recognize that, but I'm also not going to fixate on it, because I can simultaneously appreciate/find meaning in what he was really trying to say."

I think some of the Kakashi complaints out there very much fall under this umbrella. If I have to see one more person frothing at the mouth about Kakashi briefly tying Sasuke (a qualified ninja who has already demonstrated his ability to escape rope restraints and whom Kakashi has been individually mentoring, sparring against, and connecting with for a month) to a tree for approximately sixty seconds - honestly. I don't know how to tell people they're missing the point, so I don't bother.

Ultimately, the fact of the matter is that people are entitled to dislike any character that they want, even for contrived reasons. As long as they're doing their own thing in their own space and letting me do my thing in mine, we're good.

[soullikethesea]

Negative

Currently I feel a bit ashamed and disabled. I'm definitely in a burnout-type of state. Actively tired/brain foggy, feeling weird and having body aches.

Finally someone came to give the window a temporary update so that it can be opened. I don't feel happy about this??? It just feels foreign and scary. And the whole process has been so so triggering.

I got apologies three times this week, from the people involved.

And somehow that just makes it hurt more. I fucking predicted this situation and I tried everything in my power to get it fixed and it still took more than 6 months. It reminds me so much of being with my father.

He never apologized to me, of course. Or, well, one time when he was two hours late to come get me and I broke my collar bone. He still says that it was his fault. And yet his guilt and apologies do not make me feel better either. I may be broken.

The landlord stuff just makes me want to cry. It also reminds me of when I got bullied in school and I felt increasingly broken. I am missing a key-component of being human: the ability to protect myself, to show my teeth. Sometimes it feels like I don't have claws, I don't have teeth like other people do.

So even today, I befriended the handyman that neglected me. It's survival 101, isn't it? Befriend your enemy, make them care about you. If you cannot fight, befriend.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the migraine I got, fuck the changes I seem to take so hard, like the new supervisor at work. And even the window now being openable feels so Wrong. I may be autistic after all, or just traumatized, or just weird. Who even knows at this point... I wish I could talk to T, but I also don't, because I have no energy left to explain myself and guide other people towards being helpful.

I also had a low-key job interview thing going, where they forgot to call me - TWICE. I literally got stood up twice. And yes, they apologized as well. It just... it feels bad. I don't know if I'm responding in the right ways so that there is less of a chance of it happening again.

My colleague also left a ton of work to me, without asking me if I'd be OK with it. It's probably not on purpose, but that's another meh thing.

Well, I'll be fine. It seems like all of this is this level of overwhelming just because I did too many things last weekend! And that's another thing I feel pissed about. I wish I could be like a normal person and I could do things without becoming *this* exhausted. I keep comparing myself to some autistic friends I have and they are able to do so much more and it feels a little unfair sometimes. That's what makes me feel so disabled. I hate that I'm stuck within myself. I'll make the most of it, but I can't escape needing to accommodate myself and skipping out on a lot of normal/fun experiences.

Quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not doing a PhD and well, there it is. I'd need so many accommodations that it really isn't realistic. I'm not cut-out for that workload.

So here I am, listening to ASMR for some hours lying under a blanket on my carpet. Lucky that I can do something like that. Worrying a bit about how I'm going to cope without exercizing, since I found out that I injured myself last week. Ironically, I injured myself while doing PT exercises..!

When I forced myself to go into work again last night, it was like a switch flipped and I was completely fine. I liked how it felt, that I could be functional in that moment, but it does also sound a bit like dissociation...

[angelosearch]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈🌈

First off, thanks for this! ❤️ yaaaay an ask game!!!

Second... OH MY GOD five things Iike about myself?! This is going to be hard. But my therapist would be so happy to know I've been given this challenge, haha.

And of course, I have to provide details and addendums to these because I have to treat everything like a personal essay. Ugh.

I am a loud cringe nerd

I have fun facts for days, if not weeks

Music is my religion

I bet I can make you laugh

I understand my narrative

Longer answers under the cut.

I am not afraid to show enthusiasm/honesty and be loud. You know the part of your brain that tells you to not do embarrassing/cringe/over-the-top-thing before you do it? I am not going to try and diagnose it but that literally does not exist for me. I will sing along loudly to songs in public; I am the person at a wedding who never leaves the dancefloor; I dress in bright colors and wear the weirdest prints; I will laugh or cry uncontrollably if the moment calls for it. I am incapable of holding back positivity and excitement. I will gush about how great something or someone is. If I like your shoes, I am 100% going to tell you, no fear. All of this can make life really fun. It attracts people with good energy into my orbit. It makes me feel like the last thing I am is boring - but I also go home and regret every minute of it because of the second-hand embarrassment later. Somehow all these things are wrong to do in my head (even though I am never moved like this by negativity, fear, or hate), yet I cannot stop myself from doing them. I loathe that I am a book with a broken spine that cannot stay closed. I hate every inch of space I take up. I cannot stop being vulnerable which is great for therapy but not so great for being a normal, functioning adult. I fear sometimes that people think that I believe my thoughts are all-important because I share them all. Nope. I just literally have no choice in the matter. The thoughts and actions pop into my head and they must be heard/done.

I am an endless fountain of "fun" facts because I am interested in a lot of stuff and love to learn. I think "did you know that..." is my most used phase. If I have a fun fact on a subject, you will know (it's something else I feel I have no control over). My hand will be up if I don't just blurt it out. And I am always rolling them up in my Katamari-Ball brain, listening to podcasts, reading articles, watching documentaries, and other videos. I remember these weird fringe things but then I will forget your name and your job. Don't tell me what you're into because I AM going to do a deep dive and suddenly be an expert in it. Tbh it's a great skill for a writer, but I am pretty sure it annoys people around me. Especially when all the fun facts are related to whatever I am obsessed with at the moment. You'll never guess what I have way too many fun facts about right now.

I connect with music, so strongly it's almost spiritual. Singing and listening to music have always been my go-to coping skills. I learned to drive very late in life (at 30 - but that is a story for another day) and at first I was a horribly anxious driver. But once I realized my car could become my little mobile box of music where I could just belt it out 24/7, I learned to love driving. Lyrics help me understand the prism of my experience and others. I love when songs make me dance, or cry, or give me goosebumps. My shower is my favorite place in my new house because of the great acoustics; plus, there is enough space to pull off an entire shower concert, complete with choreography. Concerts and karaoke make me feel like I am connected to the universe and everyone in the venue. I love my taste in music, which sounds weird, but I am just so proud of my eclectic taste. Also! I am mad skilled at identifying songs and artists and samples, probably because I have listened to so. Much. Music. The downside to this one is that I emotionally connect so thoroughly with every song that I enjoy that a bad association will make the song/artist or even the genre unbearable to listen to (see: country music). Also, some people in my life don't understand why I prioritize concerts so highly and are very critical of me for it. I can't help that a concert is the closest thing I have to a church!

I have a great sense of humor (or at least I think so). If you have followed me for more than two seconds, you have probably figured out that I am constantly attempting (and hopefully succeeding?) to be funny. I try VERY HARD to make people laugh. If you were to talk to me in real life, you'd quickly discover that I would come up with puns in our conversation like we're having a funny rap battle. My favorite tools are wordplay and re-contextualization but I also have quote upon quote and will use physical humor, too. The good thing is that I can make myself laugh, for sure. Like I said yesterday, I embody Chrysippus. A lot of comedians claim their jokes are hiding pain. I've recently realized that I use my humor a little differently--since my social anxiety has convinced me that no one in the world wants anything to do with me at any given moment, I use my jokes as sort of a litmus test. If you're laughing, there is a very strong chance that you don't actively hate me at that very moment. I think this strategy probably annoys people and probably comes off at inappropriate. Don't bring me to a funeral.

I can contextualize my personal story. Somewhere between taking autobiography/memoir and essay classes in college and over a decade of therapy, I've become exquisitely good at taking an event in my life or facet of my personality and placing it in the context of my life. Does that make sense? Like in high school English class I took so much joy out of reading a novel and analyzing character motivations and author intent and "why is the wallpaper yellow." I am still very good at reading something and identifying symbolism, but now I mostly use this same skill to look back at the story of my life and find patterns and connections. I think this will help me as an Art Therapist, and, if my personal essays and posts are actually any good, then it is helping me as a writer as well. But this is a double-edged sword in therapy. It means I can sit in the chair and practically therapize myself. But lives are not novels. We are not characters. Sometimes the wallpaper is just yellow. My over-cerebral approach to my understanding of self makes me come off as "not sick enough" in some settings--I've been told by peers and staff many times while in treatment, "Why are you here? You seem fine!" Well, the truth is, just because you understand why the monster is in the book, you can't always outrun it. Sure, it can help to know where the monster came from and why he's chasing you, but if you get too caught up in that it may slow you down. Or you will run the wrong way because you are so sure you understand him. Or you will run so well that no one will notice you are running at all.

[bohnsky]

two and a half months into liking f1, here are my favorites:

1. Alex Albon

I think this is obvious. I just love Alex too much. Sadly this weekend wasn't great for Williams and it stressed me so much that Valtteri was on a mission to snatch P11 from my boy, but Albono's defending is so good, still sadly no points😭😭

2. Sergio Perez

This was a very hard decision, but I thought it's true for me right now and I can still change it back later so now Checo is on second for now.

I'm so obsessed with this man, I even wrote a Chestappen fic. It rarely happens that I'm so inspired that I actually put my ideas on paper.

FP1 made me want to cry and the German commentator couldn't stop hating (it wasn't really hating, just stating facts with a negative untertone, but it annoyed me) and I'm really starting to dislike Ralf Schumacher, he's always acting like he's so much better than every other driver lol (easy to say those things when you're not driving anymore, yes I'm looking at both of you, Ralf and Nico). But honestly I'm exaggerating, they're not that bad.

Also all the memes about Checo's crash. I was desperatly looking for posts that empathize with him and only found memes😭

(if I wasn't this deep, I would find them funny lol)

The race today was great tho. I would've loved to see him get P2 and I believe it would've been possibly, but I don't know anything so whatever. And I'm super happy for Lando and podium is podium. And driver of the day is well deserved. Checo knows how to gain positions. Now he just needs to start performing in Quali again :D

3. Charles Leclerc

Not the best weekend for Ferrari. The race today was a mess for them. Charles' first pit stop made me want to cry. It did seem like the team was trying to fuck Charles specificly over, with the water problem and that pit stop. I just want to see Ferrari back in the front.😭

Honerable mentions:

Nyck and Daniel. I just have to talk about that. I can't really be happy for Daniel. I really started to like Nyck and I think there is a reason he got into F1 in the first place. He's a good driver and I really believe that he just needed more time. I understand that the team felt like they needed to do something, but to Nyck it's unfair. I just hope he gets over the pain quickly.

And Danny deserves better than Alpha Tauri. Like what is he supposed to prove in that shit box. Also I am so obsessed with Checo that I'm still so scared that they might drop him if Danny does really good and I keep thinking what would that mean for Yuki? etc

Now after the weekend, I still don't know how to feel about the whole situation and I actually started avoiding Danny content, which is stupid and sad. Danny deserves a seat and it's not his fault that the circumstances suck.

the Haas boys. Never thought I would say that, but I kinda dig their dynamic.

George. I've been thinking about George a lot lately and I really like him, but somehow he is super weird to me. Idek what exactly, somehow everything about him is weird, but lovable. From his stupid big eyes and his ridiculously long legs, to his strange laugh and his accent. I really don't know anything about the differences in british accents but his accent is the weirdest to me. I like it and I understand it perfectly, but it's just weird (I'm sorry, I'm not trying to offend anyone😭)

Also his PR stuff is so cringy. I love how he's just embracing it all, but it sometimes feels like he is an old man, who doesn't understand the internet but loves learning about it😭

And his race was impressive af. He really knows how to drive.

Fun fact: my brother thinks he should be Mercedes' first driver.

Lance. I've grown extremely fond of him. He's just a sweetheart and getting dangerously close to my top three. I might have to take him into consideration soon.

He's a cat. I love cats.

Initially I disliked him for the dumbest reason (being a rich kid), but even then I knew (or I was expecting) that the day would come that I start liking him and here we are. He's the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

Logan. Through Alex I've become somewhat of a Williams fan. And I really like it when Logan has a good day. The FPs were great for him. The race sucked tho (whatever happened there), but he didn't seem too mad about it.

Lewis. I couldn't believe my eyes when he took pole. I was so happy, but then the race start was so bad😭😭

And I feel incredibly bad that I didn't want him to get P3😭

He was just so close to Checo in the last few laps and I really wanted Checo on the podium. Please don't get me wrong, I would have loved to see Lewis on the podium. I would've loved to see him win, but with Max, Lando and Checo in front, I just couldn't cheer for him😭😭😭😭

Lando. I love this man and I just want him to finally get a win. But it seems like he takes P2 as some kind of win, knowing that Max is just unbeatable.

Max. His hair.

Also I just need to say how much I love it when Max speaks German. The Dutch accent when speaking German is like the cutest thing ever and I'm really impressed of how confident he is in the language.

And there's my internal Red Bull dilemma. I drink a Red Bull for every Quali and for every race. I don't want Red Bull and Max to keep dominating, but I want Checo in front and Max deserves to win because he is that good. Do I support Checo or the Red Bull domination by drinking too much Red Bull?😭😭😭

Either way, I love Red Bull and I will keep on drinking it lol. Also I might be a RB fan at heart. Still Ferrari all the way, but I came into F1 being a RB fan, because of rallye sport and almost every driver I like there, is driving for RB. And then there's what they did to Alex and Pierre and now Nyck.

It's a love-hate relationship.

Valtteri. I don't think I ever said anything about him here. I love this man! He is such a vibe. Just doing whatever the fuck he wants and slaying every second of his life. He's not at the top of my favorites, but generally speaking, he might be one of the coolest drivers on the grid.

In terms of race positions, I like to see him doing good, but I like to see my favs in front more. Alex > Valtteri, I had to cheer for Alex there.

Zhou. I'm positively neutral about Zhou,  I don't know much about him, but from what I've seen so far there's not much to dislike. But here I just wanted to say that I loved seeing him slay Quali. Alfa Romeo in general. It's good to see them in better positions every now and then. The start today was just unfortunate.

Carlos. I was surprised by how Ferrari was treating Carlos today. It seemed like the team was actually listening to him. I hope they sorted themselves out and they keep being nice to my man Carlito😭

But the German commentators kept saying that Carlos Sr. is already looking around for a seat in a different team for his son😭

I love him in Ferrari, but I would totally understand if he wanted to leave. But I also saw something about the possibility of him joining Audi and I gotta say, as much as I love Ferrari Carlos, seeing him in an Audi would be so cool! Might be because Carlos Sr. is driving for Audi, but that doesn't matter. It'd just be cool.

Pierre. I'm starting to find my love for Pierre again. It's not nearly as strong as it used to be (obviously, as he's not first anymore lol) For some reason I didn't really care about him for a few weeks, but it's coming back now. Also bad day for Alpine. Must be devastating, a DNF for both cars and it not even being their fault. I hope they're okay and don't kill Zhou.

Esteban. I'm starting to dig the whole Alpine dynamic. They might not be the best of friends but they make it work and I love that.

And still, I'm obsessed with Este's accent and I keep coming back to the squirrel clip. I just can't with him.

Also he gives me young Jeff Goldblum vibes, idk why, but I love it.

Might be the hair. Or the sunglasses.

Oscar. It's frustrating to watch Oscar almost get on the podium. He deserves a podium, he's an incredible driver and I'm happy that the car is finally good enough for him and Lando.

Yuki. Now that I named 18 drivers, I can just say some things to the last two as well. Yuki is such a cool person. I wish he was higher on my list (the honerable mentions are in no particular order). And like I said before, I'm a little scared of what Danny's performance means for him.

Fernando. I like him a lot. I like his laugh and his accent. He's serious but silly and he treats Lance well. I like to believe that he has no evil master plan and just actually likes Lance lol

Sometimes it seems that Aston is the only team that works together and just like Lance said, it's romantic.

Also Strollonso might actually be my favorite ship currently. They're so unlikely, but they just work and it's cute. Thay might not be a Lestappen or a Carlando, but they have my heart just as much and I need more content.

Wow, I didn't know I had so much to say. And I hadn't realized that I just named most of the grid until I counted them.

[ferretzdiary]

Saying I love you to my parents feels so weird. It’s not that I don’t love them- it’s complicated really. I kind of hate them too. They aren’t exactly good people, but they aren’t exactly bad either?

It’s weird to say I love you to people who don’t actually love you. They love the idea of you, what they want of you and expect, and feel the need to love you because you’re their dna, but they don’t love you as you. Other than being white as paper, I’m nearly everything they hate. I’m queer, I’m trans, I’m autistic, I’m alt, I’m a punk, I hate things they worship, I’m a witch, etc. list keeps going.

They don’t like my personality. Over the years I’ve learned I get in trouble with them less if I dull myself down, if everything including my emotions are concealed. This is very difficult for someone who’s autistic, has depression, ptsd, and anxiety that affects my heart; but I have to bottle it of fear if it’s the wrong emotion I’ll get in trouble. Specifically negative ones. Negative ones are usually met with yelling, belittling, scolding, etc. anger. I literally have gotten in trouble for being on high suicide risk. I can’t help that. I wasn’t even honest on most of the questions at the damn hospital because I’m scared of them. When they find out I’m harming myself they get mad at me because I have no reason to be sad, scolding me about how good I have it. I know my life is better than a lot of peoples but that doesn’t make everything magically go away. I don’t understand why they think it does.

Not to mention they’re aware I was raped and beat by my cousin for years. They don’t care, when they found out they said and did nothing, he’s still the family favorite, and the cherry on top is life is going way better for him. He’s got a sweet girlfriend, an apartment, a good paying job, everything. I can’t even get my damn license bc for some reason I’m terrified of cars.

Back to being a faggot; when I was outed (not consensual, I begged not to be because I knew what was to come, I was already struggling to understand what was going on with myself and condemning myself) I came home to being told I’d be hung on our Barb wire fence with allll the other queers if I didn’t by my father (I had just started middle school). No exaggeration. They still tell me I can tell them anything and they don’t care but continue to spit threats, slurs and whatever the fuck else towards the lgbt, a lot of the time it feels aimed at me wether they mean it or not.

I literally have struggled to keep myself together while my heart was giving me trouble because I was so damn terrified they’d be pissed. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence because I literally Tweek out just being in a damn Walmart half the time.

I don’t have friends outside of my phone, the one irl friend I got to see moved to NY, my other one I just never see and is always sick, and everyone else is online. I’d make friends, but my parents kinda prevent that too bc I don’t want them bitching because someone looks a certain way or isn’t white. I literally avoided a black girl I wanted to be friends with because I knew she wouldn’t be safe as my friend. Not to mention I work at my dad’s food truck and other than my house and grandmas that’s all I ever go, I work full time, so how am I meant to even make friends? I’m so isolated, I’m as isolated as I was when my cousin beat me if I talked to other kids, hell I might be MORE isolated now. I’m in a tight box!!

And I’m trapped. I can’t drive, I can hardly cook, I can hardly take care of myself at all, I’m stupid as hell, need help to get through college, etc. I’m stuck. I can’t take this anymore. It’s so fucking hard not to attempt again but I don’t want to let mfs win, I want to survive for my friends, my grandma, and so I can have a future where I die as myself not the stranger I see in the mirror. My self harm has been so bad lately, I keep blanking out and relapsing, I have no one to go to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I almost wish I could go back to the hospital and dump everything but I’m turning twenty, what can they fuckin do? Not to mention how badly I want to get my bachelors and become a zoologist, I can’t loose my college opportunity.

[loumandiel]

long overly personal age crisis/general mental crisis rant under the cut

I'm turning 26 this saturday and i'm terrified and depressed. I hate sounding like some anti-aging tiktokker but i hate that i'm constantly getting older and can't control it while nothing else in my life seems to change. I know i'm very young but it still feels like i'm running out of time. Most of my peers are ahead of me, they have jobs and relationships and generally full lives. My 2 years younger stepbrother has a successful career, house, wife and child. I still don't even feel like a full adult. Sometimes i feel i've really frozen in time maybe because of trauma and am still just a kid deep down.

My situation is weird because i did have experience with sexual relationships at very early age but i don't consider them real relationships anymore since they were abuse, and then in my adult age i haven't had any relationships. I haven't even kissed anyone as an adult. I'm like a virgin who isn't a real virgin. I want to be in a relationship and experience love and sex but at the same time it feels distant and impossible.

I just graduated (two years late, studying something that doesn't interest me) but i haven't worked other than summer jobs and i'm wondering how am i ever gonna get a proper job. And i don't even know do i want to do work that is related to my field of study since i hate it. I could go studying something else but it's again going to take so much time. I also feel like i'm wasting my potential and i should use my talents for something that actually helps people but i don't know what that would be.

I've made peace with knowing i'm probably never going to be able to transition for various reasons but it still causes me sadness, and again the feeling of running out of time when i'm getting older and missing more and more of years i could've lived openly as myself and i'm always living with this 'what if' thought. Also this sounds incredibly silly in context of everything else but i'm stressing about how my fertility is starting to go lower every year from now on lol. I've deeply wanted to be a parent as long as i can remember but i've wanted to wait until my financial and mental health situation will be better before having children. But what if they will never be? Also i don't necessarily need a nuclear family or anything but i'd like to have a partner i can trust and my child to have other parent too. But what if there will never be a person like that?

My life situation is technically fairly good or at least better than it has been for 15 years but i feel my mental state has gotten almost worse. I've been trying lots of new things and i finally have some friends but i still feel so lonely and hollow. I always have this crushing feeling of loneliness and being an outsider who doesn't matter. I think even on tumblr i have so embarrasingly strong emotional reaction when something even mildly negative happens because i'm so insecure and seek external validation. Like when someone unfollows me i know there's necessarily nothing personal with it but i still feel genuine sadness i'm internally like that you're not rockin wit me i'm going to kill myself meme lmao. And i'm always trying to be as kind as i can towards everyone both irl and online but i still feel worthless and annoying. It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fulfill or maybe i'm the void myself.

Idek what i'm trying to say or what could help me i just needed try to put my feelings in words i guess

[ultramarine-spirit]

Hello Mari, I'm not here to ask about something about wmmap but rather about another issue that has been bothering me in particular...

It's about female characters in abusive relationships.

So, I guess you already know that there are quite a few manhwas where the female lead ends up in a relationship with a very abusive male character and everyone hates him for that, right? Well that's not exactly my problem, no one likes to read couples that romanticize abuse, I understand why people hate it, I do it too, especially the male lead. My problem comes with the hatred of the female lead.

Okay, hate the relationship, I hate the guy for being a jerk but I don't like that they hate the female leads for staying with them. Many of these protagonists always have stories where they suffered abuse as children because the father hated them or the family ignored them, etc. At least to me it makes sense that a person who grew up this way can't fully distinguish what is healthy love from one that is not. If all you knew in your life was abuse, then why would you view abuse from your partner negatively?

And with this I do not intend to justify the couple, that it is okay for them to be together and that they should be together, of course not. I am completely against that.

My point is to stop hating fl for choosing the abusive ml!! I feel like that is like blaming the victim, if in a relationship the man is the abusive one and she still decides to stay with him it is still not his fault! Instead of hating the fl by calling it "stupid" or "annoying" they should try to understand the protagonist and hate the author for creating something like that.

I know that many of these stories are not for the purpose of showing an abusive relationship but rather they really sell it as if it were the best love story of all, but if we are able to use our criteria to know that the relationship is wrong then we should be able to understand that it is not the fl's fault for continuing to love her abuser.

I have thought about this for a long time but it resurfaced in me when this new webtoon came out called Beg or better yet, Cry. I have seen many criticize and hate the protagonist, Layla, for staying with Matthias but the girl suffered a lot of abuse, it is not her fault for not knowing what a healthy relationship is, and the guy did everything possible to abuse her.

I come to you because you really are the most reasonable in the entire manhwa community that I have found, those on Twitter are a bit weird (and in fact i saw these types of comments from them) I want to know if I am really the only one who thinks like this and I am overthinking it or not?

(Sorry for the late reply, I've been busy!)

I'm probably going to say something that will get some people mad, but manhwa readers aren't particularly progressive/feminist. Yes, even if most readers are young women and even if they claim to be feminists. So you have situations like the one you just described (I haven't read/seen the manhwa you are specifically referencing, but I definitely believe people would hate a FL based on those reasons), people hating on a FL for not choosing the ML they like, etc. I remember some people were even angry at Athy when she said she wasn't thinking about marriage yet (she is 15-6), because she didn't choose Ijekiel, and also because she didn't kiss Lucas. This misogynistic behavior is also pretty easy to spot just by paying attention to how readers treat any female character that's not the FL (I swear, as soon as a female character is introduced you'll have people commenting "She better not be a bitch" or something along those lines). Stanning the FL means nothing if you think she is the only good female character, or if the only female characters you like are the ones that are subservient to her.

But to be fair, otome isekai manhwa itself is not a particularly progressive genre either, so maybe it makes sense that it attracts readers like that. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general, the most a manhwa will do is portray the FL as a swallow caricature of a "girlboss". MLs are allowed to have plenty of flaws, but the moment a FL doesn't follow that (honestly, very boring) archetype, has ugly flaws, or dares to go against the ML's wishes, a lot of fans will hate her.

My theory is that the manhwa fandom has the worst of both the kpop and anime fandoms, so that's why this happens.

[xannerz]

👶 rambling/life update time-

After like 10+ years of being here, I've told myself I'd start limiting how open I am on Tunglr abt my personal life. And it's not so much b/c I feel like I overshare too much? It's a micro-blogging site at the end of the day, and w/ a p limited following, I don't think griping about work or family issues now and then is really damaging to me or my image (a positive of not being a Bopular Blogger 🤢).

Felt like I'd come off as a whiner at worst (smiles fondly at my newly-retired!personal tag), but I think it's fair to say most people on here are struggling one way or the other, and I'm not too invested in being an enigma. Was like that as a kid - would walk up to strangers and blab about my family's life story. Strangers found it funny and charming - my parents, on the other hand, not so much LMFAO

I'm chronically online LMAO but Tunglr's never been my primary outlet, and I'm grateful (so grateful) that I already have a p strong support network irl (though my personal coping skills have fallen off and I'm trying to work on that). I have a lot of local friends and each of them are so kind and special to me.

I think my wanting to create some distance through personal posts is... really just b/c I've had a smattering of kindauncomfortablefrustrating interactions w/ folks that felt. parasocial. And IK it was a result of me being v open about my feefees in rb tags and personal posts. And Idk, after the last one or two interactions, I think I'm ready to ig choose not to talk about everything that happens as much?? it's still my blog, and I noticed I havent been chattering away as much lately anyway, but yeah.

I like that people can feel comfortable with me. It's cool. (And funny, b/c most people tell me I'm chill, but another friend's told me that I'm intimidating irl and i'm like girl what absolutely not I just hate everyone at this party LMFAOO--)

But I think it's just worth carving out some silent boundaries b/c the only conclusion I can reach is that those negative interactions in the past were just a result of - idk. People projecting enough onto me/our relationship just b/c of how open I can be on my own blog??? ykwim??

I hate saying this b/c it feels like a giant "dni! ever!" when it's not; it's more abt me filtering myself to help avoid negative interactions w/ people i barely know. I like talking to people! I like that I'm approachable (or so I'm told LMFAO), and I like to interact w/ folks!-- but I think when you get DMs from ppl acting like you've known each other for your entire life (not just respectful and friendly ykwim)-- that's... that's not great LMFAO it puts a burden on me to dance around that without being an asshole about it b/c i dont like brInging the hAmMER down on someone unless i really have to. idk if the person on the other end is in a fragile state or not, and it's easier not to up the chances of me triggering some weird meltdown.

with that said (time for a hard left here!!!). I've been stressed. I've been at the lowest point of my life for a while now - mentally, physically, financially. I'm extremely sleep deprived b/c I've been (predictably) fussing over Vigo for days. I'll be gone next week, but he's been responding well to his heart meds so I have to have faith he'll be okay while I'm out of town. My dr was begging me to enjoy this vacation b/c I look like a zombie. I'm gonna try to take it easy. I can't, really, but I'll try! I'll try.

I'll drop updates if Vigo's condition changes, but I'm relieved he's doing okay. Honestly, if it weren't for his breathing, you wouldn't even know his murmur's advanced at all. I'm grateful he still has an appetite and light in his eyes. I love this dog, man. He's just such. such a good boy. But there's just too much going on, and it's good for me to be cognizant about how focusing on my personal journal and crafts would be better for me in the long run, than expose myself to folks who simply might get the wrong idea about who I am, and DM me acting like we're best friends like whoareyougetoutofmyhouse i'm not your mother LMAO

ok. ok i feel better now. im gonna prep frozen boba from the freezer. peace and blessings on this friday ✊😔💖

[taintedevesayori]

Tainted Eve Chapter Four

((DBL is a game with mature themes, so reader beware. Sayo does go through abuse from members of the church, so please do not read if that will negatively affect you.))

God damn, my head hurts…I better not be getting sick. That will make all of my work ten times harder…

Being sick never got Sayo a day off. The nuns would force her to work until she collapsed. She knew she would be in for it if she was late….but she didn’t have the will to get out of bed. After a few more minutes, she finally managed to open her eyes. Her brows knit in confusion. The ceiling….wasn’t familiar. So where was she? 

And then it hit her. She shot up when she remembered what happened. There was no way…this couldn’t be happening. And yet she really had been taken by the Mukami brothers. The sudden movement only worsened her headache. Her hands reached up to hold her head, as if pressing on it would magically make the pain stop. 

“Moving like that is obviously going to hurt,” a voice spoke from across the room.

Her eyes shot over to see it was Kou, sitting at a desk in the corner of the room. She shot out of bed, attempting to dash to the door. Kou was in front of her so fast that she almost ran into him again. 

“Jeez, already?” He was clearly annoyed. “Do you really want to go back to that church so bad? From what I heard, you hated it there.”

She took a step back. “Who told you that?”

“That man told us you didn’t like living there. I tried pressing for more details, but he didn’t say anything else. So? Why didn’t you like it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” she sighed. “It’s not like it matters.”

“It matters to me. I want to know if you’ll be happier here.”

“If I thought so, I would have agreed to live here from the start. You’re forcing me to stay here because of Karlheinz. From how you were acting the other day, I thought you might know how it feels to be used for someone else’s entertainment. Am I wrong?”

He stared down at her with a blank expression. “Do you want me to admit we’re similar? We’ve both been used for an aristocrat’s entertainment. But we all owe that man, so I’ll do what he asks.”

So she was right after all. They were similar? And he wasn’t doing this because he wanted to. She wanted to ask what he had been through, but decided against it. She sighed, moving back to sit on the side of the bed. 

“This is bullshit…I finally escaped that damned church but after all that fighting, I still end up here. I refuse to be seen as just food!”

Kou suddenly laughed, throwing her off. Before she could say anything, he sat down beside her.

“We learned some things while trying to become Adam through Yui. Treating you as livestock, as Ruki puts it, definitely won’t get us anywhere with you,” his playful grin was back. “So don’t worry so much, kitten! It will be better to live here than some shitty church!”

“Don’t call me that,” she glared. “I don’t need a weird nickname.”

“You’re curious, right?” He suddenly asked.

“About what?”

“What I meant about us being similar, of course~! Do you want to know?”

She nodded.

“Will you tell me about the church?” He grinned.

“So you’ll only tell me if I spill?” She chuckled. “Sorry, but I’m not sharing. I don’t talk about that place.”

“Aw~” he whined. “Come on, let’s share secrets.”

“No way. I don’t share that kind of thing with strangers.”

“That means all we have to do is get to know each other, right?” His grin was back. “That’s easy!”

“Optimistic, aren’t you? Do I seem like the type of person to open up easily?”

“Hm…well, you are pretty cold to us. You seem open with your friends, but I’ll bet it took a long time for them to break down your walls, right? I mean, you’re stubborn as hell.”

“You aren’t wrong…” she muttered. 

She glanced around the room they were in. It was the nicest bedroom she had ever been in. The curtains, bedsheets and such were a pretty shade of light blue. The furniture looked expensive, too. The design seemed a bit feminine, but if that was Kou’s taste, who was she to judge? 

“Is this your room?” 

“No way,” he laughed. “It’s yours.”

Sayo was silent for a moment, staring at him in shock.

“Hold on…You can’t be serious.”

He couldn’t understand her reaction. “What’s wrong?” 

“This…this room is-”

“What, are you not happy with it?” He became annoyed quickly. “Is it not good enough for you?”

“Not good enough?” She was baffled. “I’ve never been in a room this nice before.”

His annoyance was replaced by confusion. “It’s…too good? There are pretty nice rooms in churches, right? You’ve really never been in one like this?”

“I’m sure there are nice rooms like this….but I couldn’t go to the living quarters. My room was in the attic….as far away from everyone as possible.”

There was an awkward pause. Sayo realized she had said too much. 

“Anyway, this room is really pretty…” she turned away from him.

“I was taught that this is a give and take world,” he said. “If you’re given something nice, that person will take something from you in return. We’re expecting you to find Adam, so this is what you were given for that.”

“I don’t even know how to go about that,” she sighed. “But you’re right. A lot of people only give when they want something. I was given the role of Eve….but that man took something very important from me because of that…and I didn’t even want it, so I cast it aside. That’s why I don’t expect anything from someone when I give to them…I would hate to take from them like I was taken from.”

He suddenly wrapped his arms around her from behind.

“H-Hey!” She exclaimed, finally turning her head to look at him. “What are you trying to do, Kou?!”

“Does this bother you?” He whispered in her ear.

“I don’t like people touching me…”

There were a few exceptions to that rule, only Lei, Kisa, Emi, and Rena. But even then, they knew the reason for it. They usually never touched her if she didn’t see it coming. She had gotten a lot better about it recently, but there was no way she would be comfortable with this. 

“Hm? Why not?”

She figured being aggressive wouldn’t help the situation, so she placed a hand on his chest, softly pushing him off of her. 

“I just don’t.”

“But we’re going to be so close from now on! You can tell me whatever you want! I want to know everything about you!”

Sayo didn’t respond, which caused him to start pouting. She was beginning to realize he was very used to getting his way.

“Don’t pout. You can’t expect someone to warm up to you right away.”

“I’ll just keep trying then~! By the way, all of your things have been brought here.”

He motioned to the dresser. There was a suitcase sitting on top of it. She didn’t have a lot of stuff, so it wasn’t surprising for everything to fit in a single suitcase. 

“Thanks…I should change then,” she said while standing up.

“Want help?” His grin was now more mischievous than playful.

“Get out,” she glared.

“Alright, alright,” he chuckled, getting up to leave the room. “If you go straight down the hallway to the right you’ll find a staircase. Meet me downstairs, okay?”

“Sure…”

Once he was gone, she let out a sigh. So this would be her life from now on….There were so many unknowns. Sure, Kou had said they wouldn’t treat her like ‘livestock’ but he could easily be lying. Hopefully it was the truth….but more than that, the one thing she wanted most was for them to not interfere with her personal life. She could accept staying here as long as her life with her friends stayed the same. 

All of her things were packed into the suitcase. She had even less personal items than clothes, but those were on the very top. Even though she wanted a little time to herself, she could unpack everything later. For now, she carefully dug through its contents, pulling out a pair of black shorts and a gray tank top. Her phone and both pocket knives were still in her skirt pockets, so she pulled them out. She slipped her phone in her back pocket, her two pocket knives in both front pockets. 

It was easy to find the staircase. The stairs led down to the entrance hall. To the right there was a doorway leading into a living room. As she stepped inside, she noticed all of the brothers were there. Kou, Yuma, and Azusa were sitting down on the couches….while Ruki was standing next to someone else. Her teeth grit together. Karlheinz was standing there, calm as can be, even when his eyes met hers. The brothers had thought she was hostile before, but that was nothing in comparison to the rage that filled her eyes now.

“There you are, child. I have been waiting,” he said to her. 

“What are you doing here?” She tried to calm herself down. “Didn’t you get what you wanted? I’m already here.”

“You know that is not all. I came to see if you have finally accepted your role as Eve.”

“You are out of your mind if you think I’ll say yes.”

The tension in the room was making even the brothers uncomfortable. They had never seen anyone interact with Karlheinz in this way. He acted as if it was completely normal…which it was. 

“It has already started whether you accept it or not. You will stay here and find your Adam.”

“Not gonna happen,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “You can try to make me stay here, but you can’t force me to find Adam. Don’t forget that it’s your own fault that your game ended before it could even start.”

He was silent for a moment. “Are you referring to what happened ten years ago? I took something dear to you. I cannot change the past, but I can say I regret my actions.”

“Is that supposed to be some half assed apology?” She glared, shoving her hands in her pockets. “It’s way too late for that now. You only regret what you did because I don’t want to go along with your plans!”

“Do you really see no happiness in finding your Adam?”

“The only thing you bring is destruction. There’s no way for happiness to be down any path you have a hand in.”

“You cannot say that for sure.”

“Hm…I suppose you’re right. There is one thing that could bring me happiness,” she suddenly grinned. 

She charged at him in a flash, pocket knife in hand. He dodged before she could stab him, but she wasn’t about to back down. She turned on her heel, trying to get his side this time. The three brothers stood in shock as Ruki moved to stop her. 

“Do not interfere,” Karlheinz held his hand up to stop him. 

He wasn’t fazed no matter how many times she attacked him. 

“I know you wish to kill me, but this is hardly productive. We both know you are unable to.”

“What did you say again?” she scoffed. “‘You cannot say that for sure’?”

As she went for his chest, Karlheinz caught her wrist. However, she wasn’t done. Her hand swiftly grabbed her other pocket knife, hoping that would catch him off guard. He caught her other wrist as well.

“Tch…”

“I will say, you have gotten better since the last time you attacked me. Using both knives is a good strategy.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t attack you again just because you gave me a new knife?” She glared. “You’re completely idiotic.”

“On the contrary, I was sure you would try again at some point. I gave you the knife in hopes you would feel a bit safer. You have demonstrated your skills to them quite nicely.”

Sayo glanced back to see the brothers were staring at her, unsure of what to think. They didn’t expect this at all. How was a normal human girl ballsy enough to try to go against the king of the vampires?

“No way…Was that your goal all along?” 

“I thought they might have a hard time believing you’re willing to attack me if they didn’t see it for themselves,” he replied, releasing her arms. 

She glared him down, but put her knives away anyway. It would be pointless to try again. He was on his guard and she had played right into his hands. 

“Don’t misunderstand me. One of these days, I will kill you,” she stated.

He only chuckled in response. “Ruki, I suppose I must leave the rest to you. She’ll probably try to stab me again if I linger any longer. Unless you would like me to explain some things, Sayori?”

“Just get out of here.”

“I bid you all farewell,” Karlheinz said as he left the room.

Nobody spoke until the entrance doors shut, signifying he was gone. 

“Obnoxious asshole…” she grumbled, slumping down on one of the chairs.

At first, nobody knew what to say. However, Kou spotted something the others didn’t.

“Sayo, aren’t you a little too reckless?”

“What do you mean?” She cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Your wrists are bright red. He grabbed you hard enough to leave marks.”

She glanced down. Sure enough, there were red marks where he had grabbed her. How high her pain tolerance was caused her to not even notice. 

“It’s not a big deal,” she shrugged. “Why worry about something like that?”

“Why were you worried about me the other day?” Kou retorted. “Are you really surprised I would be worried about you? I’m going to be your Adam, after all!”

Her expression twisted in disgust, but she didn’t comment.

“A girl shouldn’t make a face like that…” he muttered. “Stop it.”

That almost made her laugh. 

“Before anyone asks, no I won’t explain what happened ten years ago,” she decided to say since Kou had already been nosey about the church. 

It was true they wanted to know, but considering the circumstances figured it would be best not to push the issue. Before anyone could respond, she turned to Ruki.

“He wanted you to explain something?”

“That’s right,” Ruki nodded. “I’m sure you already are aware that you are going to be living with us. That man told us you knew quite a bit about the Adam and Eve plan already. You are Eve and you are here to find your Adam. Your instincts should lead you in the right direction, but you are to get close to us for this to happen. We are vampires, and as potentials for Adam your blood is special to us. It plays a part in this plan, but we have realized that we went about this the wrong way in the past. That man has even confirmed your blood isn’t all there is to it. I can’t guarantee we won’t take your blood…but you are not simply our prey.”

Ruki knew he had to be careful with how he phrased it. They couldn’t treat her the same way they did Yui. That would only backfire and would likely ruin the plan. But that worked out for them. Considering their past, they disliked how they thought they were supposed to treat her. They didn’t want to be anything like the Sakamaki brothers, but in the end they couldn’t deny they were acting the same way. So having an Eve like Sayo was more of a relief to them than anything. 

Sayo didn’t want to blindly believe his words, but if it was true, then they were the exact opposite of the Sakamaki brothers…and that would be a relief to her as well. 

“I’ll be living here, so getting closer to you guys would happen anyway…not that I have a choice…” she mumbled that last part.

“After all that, I expected more of a fight,” Yuma muttered.

“There will be if you guys try to control everything I do. I won’t change how I live my life.”

“You’re talking about your friends, correct?” Ruki asked. “I do not have a problem with how you spend time with them after school. There’s no point in fighting you over that.”

“I don’t go home after school on most Fridays,” she decided to explain this upfront. “I come back in the evening on Saturdays. That doesn’t change either.”

“Ohhhh, that’s right,” Kou remembered. “You’re in a band, aren’t you Sayo? I hear it’s pretty popular with the other students. Is that when you guys practice?”

“....I’m surprised you even know about it. But you’re right.”

“I’m kinda jealous~” Kou grinned. “Being in a band with your friends sounds more fun than being a solo idol.”

“Says the one who’s famous,” she chuckled. “Although I can’t imagine doing what you do.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to make it big one day?”

She shrugged. “I like how things are right now.”

“Is that all you want?” Ruki asked. 

“Hm? Pretty much. They’re the only ones I care about, so keeping things the same is the most important thing to me.”

In no way was she accepting this completely, though. She would just neglect to mention she planned on continuing to ignore that she was Eve. Even if they were being reasonable about her requests, that wasn’t the only reason she was opposing her role. 

“It seems this has actually worked out well, then,” there was a small smile on Ruki’s face. 

“Guess it has….”

There was one last thing Ruki was curious about.

“You know of Yui, correct? Have you spoken to her about this?” 

“Technically we have. Although she still doesn’t really get the Adam and Eve plan. She has no idea I’m also referred to as Eve. When she was telling me about the Sakamaki brothers, she just thought I was a prospective bride. She told me all sorts of nasty things about them….but nothing about her time with you guys. She probably didn’t think it was important because Karlheinz originally wanted me to live with the Sakamakis.”

“Now that’s a place you should run away from,” Yuma commented. “We don’t want to be anything like those bastards.”

“Is that so? Good to know…” 

Sayo stood. “If that’s all, I think I’ll go unpack my things.”

“That’s fine. If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask,” Ruki replied.

“Thanks….”

With that, she left the room and headed upstairs. Once they were sure she had reached the second floor, the four decided to discuss what had happened. 

“She’s more reasonable than I thought,” Yuma commented.

“She hasn’t accepted anything,” Ruki shook his head. “Although it seems she has no intention of escaping as long as we don’t interfere with her friends. That is a start. Things should progress naturally. For now, we should give her time to settle in here. Kou, do you still want her to be left to you?”

“Of course,” he grinned. “I will be Adam.”

“As long as she does not choose someone else, you can do as you like. Just don’t scare her off.”

“Riiiight~”

“What do you think…that man did…ten years ago?” Azusa spoke up. 

“Who knows,” Yuma shrugged. 

“It seems it was awful enough for her to want to kill him,” Ruki said. “I doubt that man will tell us anything more about her. I imagine the only way we’ll find out is if she tells us herself.”

“I don’t see that happening any time soon,” Kou chuckled. 

“I don’t either,” Ruki agreed.

“I wonder…if it still causes her pain…” Azusa muttered.

Sayo managed to make it to her room without any issues. She hadn’t been counting doors on her way downstairs, so she was unable to confidently say one of them was hers. Luckily, she had left the door open. 

As she entered her room, it still didn’t seem real. It would take some time to get used to the stark difference between this and her room at the church. She grabbed the suitcase, carrying it over to the bed. It would be easier to sort through everything since there was more space. She decided to move her personal items over to the desk, so she could find places to put them after dealing with her clothes. Kou hadn’t mentioned it, but her school bag was already sitting on the desk. She moved it onto the chair so it wouldn’t be in the way.

Having a dresser would be strange. Before now, her clothes had been kept in a couple of storage bins. Being able to actually dedicate different drawers to different types of clothing was amazing. 

Only her shirts were left by the time someone knocked on the door. She was folding one of them, but stopped to glance over at the door. It had been a habit to lock the door of her bedroom for years now, but this time around she neglected to do so.

“Yes?”

The door opened, revealing Kou. There was the usual smile on his face.

“Saaaayoooo,” he sang, walking over to her. 

Was he going to continue to pester her? Why was he so interested? She took too long to answer for his liking.

“Come on, don’t ignore me,” he pouted.

“I’m not. I was going to ask what you needed.”

He sat down on the bed. “I just wanted to spend some time with you, kitten.”

She glared, but it only made him laugh.

“Sorry, Sayo, not kitten.”

She sighed. “It must have been awkward for you guys earlier. That man puts me in a blind rage and I end up attacking him like that a lot. Although it used to be worse when I was younger.”

“Don’t worry about that. Sure, it was a little shocking. I knew you were stubborn but I didn’t think you were that strong willed. If I asked what he did, you wouldn’t tell me, would you?”

She resumed folding her shirt, setting it on top of the small pile of ones that were already folded.

“I won’t talk about it.”

“So secretive…”

He glanced down at what she was doing, curious to know what kind of clothes she had. 

“Are all your clothes this simple?” He asked, picking up one of her shirts.

“I do not want to be lectured on fashion by an idol,” she snatched it from his hand. “Not all of us have the money to buy fancy clothes.”

“I wouldn’t call what I wear fancy,” he laughed. “I thought your church was well off. Do your parents not have a lot of money?”

“Oh, they do. I don’t.”

“They don’t buy them for you?”

“They gave me the basics. That’s all I needed.”

“That’s all you needed?” He couldn’t understand. “The daughter of the owners of a church? Did they not care about your appearance at all? And what about what you wanted?”

“They didn’t,” she stated. “And what I wanted didn’t matter. I’ve been saving up everything I earn so I could leave the church as soon as I graduate. Spending it on things I already have is a waste.”

He was silent for a moment. “What if I took you to get some?”

“...huh? Why would you want to do something like that?”

“Because you’re cute,” he smirked, twirling a lock of her hair in his fingers. “You should have clothes that match that.”

She stared, fairly suspicious. “Is that supposed to be a pickup line?”

“You really don’t react like a normal girl…I’m being serious.”

“So what exactly are you expecting in return?” She went back to folding her clothes. 

Considering what he said earlier, she had already figured out he was that type of person. At first, he was going to say her blood, but then thought better of it. He figured she wouldn’t react well if he did.

“That’s a good question….I can’t think of anything at the moment.”

She glanced over at him, only to see he was being serious. 

“I appreciate the thought…but I don’t need anything for now. The next time I go shopping…I’ll try to suck it up and actually buy something for myself.”

“Let me go with you then!” He grinned. “I can help you find something nice.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle. “Maybe.”

“By the way, let me see your wrists.”

“Really, they’re just fine,” she shook her head. “You don’t have to worry.”

“Sayo, don’t make me repeat myself…”

Guess they were both stubborn…It wasn’t serious, so it wouldn’t hurt to let him look at it.

“Fine…” she sighed. “But really, it doesn’t hurt or anything.”

She held out her arms so he could see. He studied them, flipping them around so he could get a good look at both sides. The red marks were in the shape of fingers but they didn’t look as bad as earlier.

“It really doesn’t hurt?” He asked, poking at them. “It looks like it would.”

“It doesn’t.”

“You have a hard time relying on others, don’t you?”

“Why do you think that…?” She muttered.

“It’s true, isn’t it? I can tell by the way you act.”

“Fine, it’s true,” she sighed. 

“Tell me why!”

“You’re very nosey….”

“Don’t say that,” he puffed out his cheeks. “I’m just trying to get to know you better. Come on, Sayo! Tell me more about yourself.”

“I’m just used to doing things on my own. It’s not that big of a deal. Why are you so interested in me?”

“Because you chose me!”

“I…did what now?” She was baffled.

“You chose me to get close to,” he grinned. 

“Weren’t you the one chasing after me? I don’t remember inviting you to do so.”

“Maybe not, but I decided to because of our conversation in the classroom. You were concerned for me even though you were trying to avoid me so badly,” he replied, a sly smirk on his face. “It’s okay to get close to me, Sayori. I’ll treat you right, I promise.”

“I knew I’d regret showing concern for you…” she grumbled. “You sure latched on quick because of that.”

“Aw, come on~! Are you saying you have no interest in me?”

“I’m not interested in anyone,” she shrugged. “It’s too much trouble. Speaking of which, I have a request.”

“What is it?” He was surprised she would want something after the conversation they just had.

“Listen, I mean no offense by this, okay? While we’re in school, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t give me any attention. A lot of your fangirls are nuts and I don’t want to be on their bad side.”

“Aw~” he was back to pouting. “You don’t want to spend time with me while we’re at school?”

“I heard that Yui got beaten up because a bunch of your fans saw you spending time with her,” she pointed out.

“That is true…” he sighed. “Fiiiine, I guess I can do that.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. 

That was the first time she had genuinely smiled at him. He found himself wishing that she would do it more often. 

“In return, I’ll spend lots of time with you here, okay~?”

“I can’t stop you…” she replied, but wasn’t very enthused by the idea. 

Still, he agreed to her request. She could agree to his. 

“Yay!” He exclaimed, pulling her in for a hug. 

“H-Hey! I told you I don’t like people touching me….”

“You just have to get used to it,” he squeezed her tighter. “I’ll give you lots of love.”

“I don’t need it,” she grumbled, squirming out of his grip. 

Kou stuck around for the rest of the time she was unpacking and organizing her things in the room. He was persistent to say the least. As awkward as all the questions were for Sayo, he did end up getting to know her better than just watching her from afar. He was satisfied by the time she kicked him out so she could go to bed. Things would definitely be lively from now on….

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