#i have a hard time getting to read bcs i want to absorb everything to the fullest so i barely find the proper time to actually. read

[astrxealis]

while bored at school yesterday i started reading hamlet and edgar allan poe poems alongside many other classic literature which i think is really funny

[sanguineterrain]

Feel like I’m so basic but Jason Todd with a crush and him having zero social skills and just being super clumsy despite being highly competent when he’s in the field. Crush is like real sweet and kind maybe a service worker ✨

anon u are so true and real for this bc jason is definitely an unsocialized cat when he has a crush 💓

jason todd x gn!reader. shyish/anxious jason with a big fat crush. baker reader. annoying customer. the duality of jason todd. 1.6k words.

also i fully believe that silently leaving huge tips as a way to flirt is like. a wayne trait. 100% that family does that bc of bruce.

prompt lists are here! i reblog all fics to @sanguinelibrary

****

Business has been slow.

It's not like you expect your cafe to be packed to the rafters all day long, but you've had a grand total of four customers today. One of them only came in to ask where Starbucks was.

Frankly, you're not sure the cafe can afford to stay afloat for much longer. Gotham isn't known to preserve small businesses, and the conglomerates (cough, Wayne Enterprises) are taking over the world anyway.

So today is a reading day. You might even close early.

You're at a table in the back, so absorbed in Poirot's sleuthing that you don't hear the door open. It isn't until you turn the page and look up that you see your resident lurker waiting quietly at the display case. You flinch so hard that you spill iced tea on your jeans.

"Shit," you murmur, grabbing a wad of napkins and patting yourself dry.

Jason (as is written on his coffee cup) looks up from the pastries, teal eyes wide. You smile briefly at him. For such a big guy, his footsteps are astonishingly soft.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, voice rough like he doesn't speak much.

"Yeah, fine. You just startled me—I didn't hear you come in. Were you waiting long? Sorry about that."

"Oh. No, I wasn't. Sorry." He shifts weight between his feet. "You seemed pretty engrossed in your book. I didn't, uh, want to disturb you."

"Oh, hey, don't worry about that! It's literally my job to be here," you say, though you can't help but melt over how freaking sweet that is.

Jason visits you a minimum of twice a week. He's been coming for a couple of weeks. You know a whole three things about him: he's a university student, he pretty much only dresses in red or black, and he's unfairly cute.

At first, you were reasonably wary of him because it's Gotham, and he's so damn quiet. It's a little scary. You thought maybe he was an undercover spy casing the joint. Now you know he's just awkward.

"Slow day?" he asks.

"Slow year, more like. How are you? How was your exam?"

He blinks. "Exam?"

"Didn't you have an American lit exam last week?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Wow. Yes, I did. It was okay. Got an A."

"That's great! I knew you'd ace it."

His cheeks turn pink. Okay, you actually know four things about him: he blushes a lot.

You go to start the coffee machine. "Do you think you'll—"

"I-I have to go."

You watch, stunned, as he hurries out the door. That's when you notice the fifty dollar bill in your tip jar.

You don't know if you should bring up yesterday. Jason's back; that probably means everything's fine, right? You're not sure if you said something wrong, though. You've gone over the interaction a hundred times since and you can't figure out why he's so skittish around you.

"Hi. Hibiscus tea, please," he says, stoic as always.

You prepare his order, yesterday's interaction still fresh in your head. You should say something, shouldn't you? Or...

"Sorry about yesterday," Jason blurts, so fast you almost miss it. "Running out, I mean. I was, uh—I forgot something."

Well. Looks like he's going to bring it up for you.

"Oh, you don't have to apologize! If I said something wrong..."

Jason shakes his head fervently. "No, God no. You're perfect."

Your eyebrows shoot up. He turns red this time.

"I mean—not perf—well, you're amazing, don't get me wrong! Except, like, what is perfect, y'know? My brother has gotten into the habit of calling everything perfection like some kind of sitcom character. Alfred will make pie, and Dick'll go, "Alfie, that was perfection." And I feel like it's such an exaggeration—"

Jason's mouth snaps closed. He rubs his forehead.

"Um, I actually have chronic foot-in-mouth disease. It gets really, stupidly bad. Sorry."

You're trying hard not to giggle. You want to smother him in frosting and take a bite.

"You're really sweet, you know that?" you say.

"I'm really not," he says with a sigh.

"Not true. Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

You go into the kitchen and return with your latest experiment: matcha cream puffs.

"Do you mind trying these for me? You're not allergic to anything, are you?"

Jason's shoulders hunch. "Are you sure you want my opinion?"

"Of course I'm sure," you say happily. "I trust you."

"You trust me," he repeats quietly.

"Yup!"

Jason takes a puff and bites. He starts to nod.

"It's really good. You're really—all your creations are—yeah. It's good."

You squint. "No notes? Really?"

"They're perfection, as my brother would say."

Fuck, you like him so much.

"Have another one," you say, pushing the tray towards him.

"I shouldn't—"

"Wait! I'll pack you some!" you interrupt, flitting back to the kitchen to get a Tupperware.

Jason helplessly accepts the container of puffs you shove into his hands.

"Let me pay-" he tries to say, but you shake your head.

"Nope! I won't accept payment for these. Not from my favorite customer."

"Your favorite?"

"My favorite," you confirm, grinning.

"Oh." His ears turn pink as he walks to the door, cream puffs in hand. "Uh, right. Thanks. See you tomorrow."

"Jason? Don't you want your tea?"

"Shit. Yeah." He returns to the counter and takes his drink. This he insists on paying for, so you let him, because you do have rent to pay, after all.

"So nice to see you!" you add, because the stiffness in his gait is kind of throwing you off.

He just nods, slipping out the door as quietly as he came.

Today, Jason's in a red workout tank. You have to make the conscious effort to not ogle his arms.

"Hey, Jason!" you say cheerily.

"Hi," he says softly.

"The usual?" you ask, and he looks up in surprise.

"You know my order?"

You gently roll your eyes. "Of course I know your order, silly. Favorite customer, remember?"

"Oh." He looks away, brow furrowed. Then he turns to you and his expression smooths over. "Yes, please. Thanks."

"Sure. Give me one second? I just have to finish decorating some sugar cookies."

"Take your time," Jason says, then goes to skulk by the window.

The door is suddenly swung harder than necessary, thumping the glass.

"Hey!"

You look up from the cookies. A man in a suit is waving his phone impatiently.

"I ordered a dozen muffins. Where are they, huh?" he demands.

"Oh, right! Well, you called ten minutes ago, so they won't be ready till six, sir. Can I get you something while you wait?"

He scoffs and stomps to the counter. You almost back down, but you don't; that's exactly what these bullies want.

"This is exactly why no one eats at dinky cafes like yours. You can't even do this!" he fumes, shoving a finger in your face.

"Sir, like I said, the muffins are baking..."

"I know the city's health inspector personally," the man spits viciously. "One call, and I can—"

"Say one more word."

You blink as Jason is suddenly between you and the customer, stood at his full height. He's all muscle and broad shoulders, looming over the guy. You peek around him.

"What the fuck, man?" the angry customer squawks. "Move!"

"No, you move," Jason says, tone lethal. "Sit quietly at a table and wait for your muffins to bake. Then you can thank the nice baker for waiting on your sorry ass and you're not gonna come back. They have far more patience for entitled fucks than I do."

"Fuck you," the man spits.

Jason calmly closes the distance between them and whispers in his ear, hand like a vice around the jerk's shoulder. You watch as he turns pale, eyes growing wider.

"Sound good?" Jason asks pleasantly, all teeth. The man gapes at him.

Wow. Yeah. This is really doing something for you.

The oven dings. You go to retrieve the muffins, packing them as quickly as possible. You give him the box and the man nods.

"Thanks," he mumbles, then scurries out of the store.

Jason turns to you, and it's like looking at a completely different person.

"You okay?" he asks, posture stiff like he's still prepared for a fight.

You nod, a little dazed.

"Yeah. Wow. Jason, I... you didn't have to do that. I mean, thank you for doing it, but..."

"Hey, that guy was a jackass. And if you have trouble with him or anyone else, call me, okay?"

This side of him stuns you. If you didn't know better, you'd think he had this exchange regularly.

"Call you?" you ask, smiling. "How will I call you if I don't have your number?"

He freezes, eyes wide. "Oh. Uh. Um..."

You lean over, elbows on your counter. He watches you. You cup your hand around your mouth, pretending to divulge a secret.

"This is where you, the cute guy who frequents my struggling cafe, gives me your number."

"You think I'm cute?" he asks.

"Devastatingly so," you say, grinning.

He's quiet for a long moment. Your smile starts to dim.

"Did I read this wrong?" you ask. "If I came off too strong..."

"No!" he says a little too loud. Jason winces. "Sorry. No. I... you're... fuck, I'm not good at this. I don't even really drink tea or coffee, to be honest. I just come in to see you."

"You do?"

Jason sighs. "Yeah. Shit. That's creepy, isn't it?"

You laugh and he visibly softens.

"No, Jason," you say warmly. "It's sweet."

"So can I still ask you on a proper date? Not coffee."

You grin. "That would be perfection."

[writingquestionsanswered]

Not sure if this was asked before but... how do you get your *passion* back for writing - or any old hobbies at all? Maybe bc of ADHD, but I used to hyperfixate on writing, reading and other things. They were my world. Now, when I actually have time to write... my interest is meh. Mild. Barely exists. But I'm still interested. Just not passionate. My heart doesn't flutter at new OC ideas anymore - or ships. Or family dynamics. I'm bored... what gives?

ADHD: Interested in Writing, But Not Passionate

I really struggled with this. Mainly, because I have a hard time wrapping my head around, "My interest barely exists but I'm still interested." I can't make sense of that.

I've written three different versions of an answer, none of which I liked in the end, because I think the long and the short of it is this: you can be interested in writing generally, but stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally. And there are all sorts of reasons why you can be stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally (including executive dysfunction... thanks, ADHD!) However, at the end of the day, if writing was a hyperfixation for you, that may be all it ever was. Even if some part of you is still "interested."

Which brings me to a story from answer attempt #2, which I think is still worth sharing. Years ago, I hyperfixated for weeks on a particular historical topic. I couldn't get enough. I read about it, watched documentaries about it, subscribed to magazines about it, fell down topic-related rabbit holes for hours at a time. My brain needed to understand every single thing there was to know about the topic, which was troublesome because everything about this topic isn't known... even by those who study it.

One day, my attention shifted to something else, but I never really lost the "interest" in this topic. My ears still perk when I hear something about it. I still skim articles about it when they come up on social media. I would probably pause in my channel surfing if I happened on a documentary about it. But my interest isn't the same. It's not enough for me to dive in to the extent that I did when it was a hyperfixation. And this was tested by the fact that not long ago, I visited a museum with a whole wing dedicated to this topic. And I knew it was a big deal that I was there, and that hyperfixated me would have blown a gasket out of sheer joy, but I just wasn't able to engage with the exhibits the way I wanted to or felt I should. I was looking at the artifacts and absorbing the words on the exhibition labels, but I wasn't feeling anything about it. It all fell flat. Which was kind of depressing, to be honest.

So, I'm telling that story because I think there's a very real possibility that may be what's happening for you with writing. It may just be a hyperfixation that still interests you in some way, but which can never really inspire that same level of interest you once had--unless you become hyperfixated on it again, but there's no way to force that. And there's no way to know for sure if that's what's going on except to try some of the things suggested in the links below to see if you can troubleshoot a cause or kick start your motivation. If not, it may just be something you did once and may come back to again eventually. ♥

Guide: Filling Your Creative Well Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists 5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP

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[utilitycaster]

Whoaaaa holy shit something just snapped into place reading you mention the concept of creating a shape of negative space bc i've been thinking so long abt the "unspoken things/quiet part" of characters. I've often had this feeling that fandom will go a million and nine yards to red string board an ocean of depth for their favorite blorbo over.... what comes down to what's technically extrapolating based off of xyz canon, but said canon will be like "this character fidgets once, half his dialogue is quoting an in-universe play he tries to recreate (by ruining ppl's lives), and he doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want to be called a monster, therefore he is AUTISTIC and that drives his logic," or "this character has xyz vague background and is TRAUMATIZED because of WAR" inventing an entire character and it's like. Oh boy. This might be a matter of not being invested enough in these characters to TRY and delve so "deep" but I keep thinking that none of this is actually. written or feels purposeful in the context of How Storytelling Works/the Narrative to MAKE me invest or think that it's worth doing so. I always wonder how many people are trying so hard to project a better story onto something without understanding that the story actually needs to BE THERE and ADDRESSED, even subtly, and token moments aren't enough. But then that gets me thinking about how Thereness needs to exist for something to be subtle but written as opposed to Conspiracy off loose projection.

I was kinda thinking abt Laudna and how to use her as an example, because she's one of those characters for whom like, yeah I as a person totally understand the cycle of being upbeat and normal and everything and then having a random spiral of Bad Upstairs before being normal again, but narratively how do you portray that and why does everyone do it so much better than her. With equal screentime, everyone feels like they have so much more meat to their motivations and psychology despite some being significantly less fraught backstory wise. What's happening here because things just feel like they come out of nowhere with her with "oh so that matters all of a sudden?"

Hi anon,

Yes to all of this! With regards to your first paragraph - I feel that a lot too. It's a tricky situation because I think it's completely valid to project things onto characters and imagine them to have specific qualities that either you have or simply that you wish to see in fiction. It only becomes difficult in a fandom sphere when people insist that this is a fully evidence-based endeavor and not a personal interpretation (especially because a lot of that evidence is, as you say, either very much open to interpretation, or else totally spurious. The number of times I've had to shoo people off my posts for talking extensively about how an immensely self-absorbed character who never thinks about others unless forced to clearly has ADHD...but I digress). And as for the conspiracy element, especially when works aren't as good - absolutely. If you haven't read this, which I reblogged a few weeks ago (has Good Omens 2 spoilers) I highly recommend you do because what you're saying resonates a lot with OP's post, both in terms of our need as fans to project or find similarities with characters, and the fact that when people are disappointed by a work sometimes they try to create a better one, but instead of just writing fanfiction and calling it fanfiction they go full conspiracy theorist and assume there's some secret twist, and fall so hard into that all-crumbs-no-schnitzel (to borrow a metaphor from that post) fanon echo chamber they forget it is, in fact, only fanon.

Which brings us to Laudna. Before I go deeper I want to cover three things. First: for me at least, this criticism comes because I know Marisha is capable of doing this negative space work. It didn't come up much with Keyleth since we kind of knew her whole deal very early (which, to be clear, is valid; not every character needs this), but it's present with both Beau (her relationship to her father is masterfully done; the hallmark of good negative space work is that when the reveal comes you say oh of course) and to a lesser extent Patia, who, like all the Calamity characters, conveys a story much greater than the one that unfolds over a single night. Second: I think part of why a number of us in the fandom are so frustrated is that we have been doing that work of generously interpreting Laudna since the beginning, but nothing ever sticks, so it's becoming less and less worth the effort.

I'd have to go back through my archives pretty extensively, but early on, the going expectation for Laudna was that she would explore the idea of being one of the bystanders in a larger story as someone killed simply because of a passing resemblance to someone the Briarwoods wished to send a message to; that we'd get insight into Whitestone during the occupation from someone who wasn't freed by Vox Machina but rather killed, indirectly, because of them. However, not only have we not gotten that, but she also was chosen for being special: Delilah chose her as a vessel because of her inherent sorcery. So then it was perhaps about that tension between finding power in her sorcery vs. warlock levels - Pâté seemed like a clear setup for Pact of the Chain, after all - but then Marisha admitted she had no intention of taking that third warlock level, and always just planned to play Laudna as exclusively leveling in sorcerer, until FCG attacked. And meanwhile, there's no exploration of those sorcery powers, either.

Speaking only for myself, I've been interrogating "hey, why is her backstory that she was chased out of everywhere but for the most part everyone is mostly fine with her?" and "in 30 years she did nothing about Delilah? Really?" for quite some time. There's a number of questions that are not just unanswered, but lack the hints that this negative space work would provide. And to be clear there are ways to explain those things! This meta does a good job of talking through why she may have been chased out, and I've floated, in the past, that even Delilah's unwelcome presence was better than the absolute silence of being truly alone. But the work to support these fandom theories, again, is not really being done at the table, and moreover, even if it starts being done...it's episode 70. It should have come up in some capacity.

Marisha said (to be clear, somewhat jokingly) in the 2022 ComicCon panel that "Yeah. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired," re: Laudna but the thing is...honestly, in my opinion? A character with Laudna's premise requires far more work than Beau or Keyleth to do well. Not only is she tied into one of the most famous events and entwined with one of the most famous villains of Campaign 1, but she's got 50 years of backstory! Beau and Keyleth are in their early 20s! (I could make a whole other post about this but character intelligence does not equal how hard they are to play; Imogen is an immensely tough concept that Laura's doing a good job with and she's lower INT than Laudna. I'd rather play a wizard than a character like Grog any day of the week because I genuinely believe that the acting burden for making a character like Grog sympathetic and believable without going into cheap mockery and parody is immense).

Going back to that statement, it really does feel as though every 4-Sided Dive episode or panel, when Marisha talks about Laudna, it's always just that she was envisioned as being over her trauma, and the premise was always just "make that creepy girl from her nightmare". And even then: it's fine if she'd done that - simply made a creepy character who was here to be creepy and cheerfully macabre - but through gameplay it's become clear that Laudna is not over that trauma (her arrested development being one of many options), and has acquired new traumas to boot, and for that matter never was really over it given that she displays intensely but they come up so inconsistently that there's never any follow-through. I agree with you completely that the idea of her often seeming fine and happy and then having spirals is believable and true to life, but one does need to actually follow through on the spirals - I think a lot of us finally threw up our hands when Laudna's believable, well-played, and justifiable anger and resentment after being thrown across the world away from half the party, essentially pushed into a fight that isn't her own, being betrayed by Bor'Dor, and feeling Delilah's return melted away without resolution. If you want to make a character who's over their trauma and go-with-the-flow, I feel as though step 1 is to not have an eternal reminder of one's trauma permanently stuck in one's head. "Warlock who dislikes their patron" is actually a premise that requires quite a lot of thinking and effort, and we are consistently not seeing it.

I think what's most telling is that the defense of Laudna for the weird freakout this past episode is both vehement, and in conflict with itself. Is Marisha just making a joke (that didn't really land with anyone at the table nor much of the fandom, and was taken at least semi-seriously by both)? Or is it actually great and good that Laudna is incredibly traumatized and clingy and we should all hope she becomes even more clingy and codependent? When even the people who are shielding Laudna from even a whisper of criticism can't agree what Marisha's doing, it's pretty dire, especially when that criticism is "this character feels directionless and incoherent."

So getting back to negative space: It's my hunch that there just...wasn't a lot of clarity to Laudna's motivations, and the questions in her backstory weren't answered. She's creepy and she's kooky, Sun Tree corpse, Delilah in her head, met Imogen two years ago, was friends with a little girl at some point (which we only know from 4-Sided Dive, which is, to be clear, bad that it's never come up in-game). We don't know how she feels about her sorcery powers other than a vague enjoyment of their creepiness...but she also sees them as a way out from Delilah...but she also barely engages with Delilah and hasn't done anything to get rid of her. We have no sense of how she got to "the worst thing that's happened to me already happened" because while it's completely fair to play her as feeling that way 30 years later, I highly doubt she felt that way as she cut herself down from the Sun Tree. So as a result, it's hard to pick a direction because that foundation is lacking.

The thing about that negative space is that to do it well, you really need to know what you're trying to convey. Which is also why, as you say, characters with much simpler backstories are fine; Fearne was basically hanging out at her grandmother's place until EXU and her parents left when she was very young; she is curious about her parents and loves her grandmother and is a chaotic fey entity who was sent into the Material Plane with the Weave Lens, and mostly she just wants to explore and have fun and hang out with her friends. Ashley just needs to...play Fearne like that, which she does with aplomb. The complex setup for Laudna demands a huge number of answers in the backstory, and my guess is that Marisha does not have them. I think the problem isn't with the acting (in fact, I'm fairly confident it isn't, because, again, I know from past characters Marisha can do this); it's that Laudna's concept prioritized the aesthetic, mechanics, and facts of the backstory, and didn't adequately fill in her beliefs and motivations, so she's just flailing. I also suspect from the most recent 4-Sided Dive and the most recent SDCC panel that Marisha is specifically looking for interparty conflict, and to be clear that's valid...but again, to do that believably and well, Laudna's philosophy and motivations and characterization need to be much more clearly established than they are.

[poppurini]

here’s a twst writers appreciation post bc i suddenly wanna show love and i totally encourage you to reblog and put your favs here too!! doesn’t matter if they’re already mentioned or if they’re a well known writer bc compliments are never too much <3

@rggie ┊ although their blog’s not active anymore i still recommend checking them out bc their smaus are so so funny they had me HOLLERING. and they don’t just have smaus their writing is also such a good read??? I LOVE THEM SMM

@fukashiin ┊ MY SOULMATE. ok listen listen i’m telling you when she posts i run and i mean RUN to read them bc they are gold. i check her blog sm tumblr tells me WAKE UP BABE YOUR WIFE POSTED i kid u not. her works are all so good especially the fluff ones??? she just has this way with words that i can’t help but get all giddy

@keedas ┊ whenever i read their works my hand’s always ALWAYS covering my mouth due to how cute and heart pounding they are!! i still reread some of your works like lipstick stain with leona and ballroom dancing with rook i want them tattooed to my heart

@leonaism ┊ [ *do note that this blog contains nsfw works as well !! make sure u check their byf/dni before doing anything 🫶 ] WHERE DO I EVEN START. another one with an immaculate theme and also!! salmon blesses many many fandoms with their awe-struck writing, i especially love their sfw ones!! it’s so fluffy and cute rah

@hisui-dreamer ┊ another amazing writer with lots of lots of content <3 unfortunately i haven’t had the time to properly sit down and read her works but i’ve skimmed through them whenever they pop up on my dash bc oh how could i resist and i just know i’ll gobble them up they already look so good sO IMAGINE IF I HAD THE TIME TO PROPERLY READ???? I HAVE SO MANY SAVED AS TBR

@flmer ┊ one of the ppl who has the most gorgeous and creative themes my jaw dropped to the molten core of earth when i first came across their blog it was so so eye-catching!! i haven’t had the time to read their other writings but this one fluff of theirs that i read already makes me the most impatient person on earth bc i can’t wait till i have the time to properly sit down and ABSORB

@wolken-himmel ┊ her works are always so so good !! i love how she could write for all the characters and the precision with their characterisation is so on point. anytime i need a good fluffy read i always go to her, and there’s always a read for each person bc she literally writes for ALL the characters including the staff! her platonic works are just as sweet and fun as the others. such a dedicated and creative writer!!

@mxzenpai ┊ oh my god i swear the ecstasy i got when i first read their leona oneshots were incomparable. was literally kicking my feet and giggling throughout my time reading it. i had to stop and do a silent scream bc the way they wrote leona in this made me blush HARD i was rereading that for days

@nthee ┊ extremely underrated !! deserves more recognition with her content and i always get excited whenever she posts i really look forward to read them <3

dark content creators

@kurimiaki ┊ SLAMS FOLDERS ON TABLE there’s so much i could say abt their writing each and every one is so wonderfully and beautifully written i find myself admiring their writing while reading their works RAH

@pomupom ┊ saikou writes yan content like no others omg there’s just smth that always ALWAYS draw me back to their writing when it comes to yan content!! i drop everything on hand and RUSH to their blog whenever i see that they posted

[inkofamethyst]

June 13, 2024

I.. don't think I'm as well-adjusted to grad school as I'd hoped. I feel behind but I'm not even sure how to "catch up" or what specifically I am not doing. I just want to do more but I feel intimidated by what "more" might be. My days are mostly empty outside of a single lab-based task that might take one to three hours. Admittedly, I did procrastinate myself out of that bioinformatics "course". I do intend to start that back up again. I do want to learn (I was intimidated by the homework (only recently did I realize that I literally do not actually have to do the homework if I don't want to lol, this is all asynchronous and semi-recreational for my own benefit)). I think that's a major part of why I feel like I could be doing more. My postdoc is working like 12 hour days or something while I come in and lounge for four hours or so (I've recently been making an effort to do six hours though, even if it's just me sitting and reading (fiction >.<) for most of the time (I'll start an anthropology book after this series I promise)).

I have started learning music theory though. Only barely, it feels like, but it's more than any true theory I'd absorbed through the years of band classes and orchestra rehearsals (I know what a "diminished sixth" means now (kinda) and can point it out in sheet music (most of the time)! I can differentiate between three different minor scales (most of the time)!). I plan to leisurely make my way through a semester's worth of lectures on it. I want a good understanding of why music works so I can hopefully get good at improvisation (also I need to relinquish the idea that I'm going to be some improv master at first try--because that's not going to happen. it'll likely take weeks of trials and lots of errors before I get any sort of feel for what sounds "decent").

I've been reading Jade City by Fonda Lee and woah. I think this would make an excellent television show. It's soooo good. Fantasy action, my genre beloved (and politics?? bro im in LOVE), but inspired by a totally different culture than what I typically read. The naming switcharoo took a bit of getting used to sure but it's far more immersive that way. I would love to see this in live action and thirst after Hilo bc you know the casting director would do him right. I'm glad I decided to stick with her on a whim.

I wish the pollen wasn't still so bad (I have to keep my windows open all the time bc no ac, and pollen flies in 24/7 and coats absolutely everything which is the worsttttt. thankfully my bed doesn't get too much of it but UGH), I'd love to spend more time outside. The flowers are lovely but I'm ready for the trees to pack it upppp.

My mom thinks I'm being too social for me to handle. I haven't had a full weekend to just isolate and chill in a month. There's just so much to do, though! I want to do it all now that the weather is warm. This area has lots of events all the time. I have to remember that I have five more years, I guess.

Today I'm thankful that at least I'm not being pushed too hard.

Brought to you from inside the lab (my postdoc has stepped out hehe) where I am desperately trying to find things to do. I think I'm going to register for some trainings or something.

[vitearred]

Help this still has me dying ur telling me kagiura looks like 913738 times hotter than he already is (he seriously had no business looking like THAT) from hirano's pov like that's literally the way he sees him and still he has yet to realize how gay he is are u fucking kidding me😭😭😭😭

like what the fuck is THIS???

I-💀

I have no other words just look at that, god he's so embarrassing and cuestionable and harusono really set him up when she decided to make him like this i'm never letting these things go, i'm gonna make sure he's getting made fun of to the end of times i'm sorry but just?$!$!'!!@!#!";*!"?'!:!'"?!!(

like really???? REALLY ur seeing him like that when he's motivated and doing his best (kind of what u previously described as something u want ur ideal marriage partner to be like, unironically TAKING KAGIURA HIMSELF AS UR EXAMPLE), u feel the urge to be as close to him as u can be and get to see more of that, u react like this, eyes all wide and sparkly, almost going speechless, when all of that is so clearly shown as the positive side of the effects of his feelings for u, when u get to witness the impact u have on him??? AND ur also getting similar effects bc what the fuck do u mean u "really want to study right now" to make sure it's possible for u two to stay together ("close and personal")??? u know u both basically boost eachother, and that's all u want, but ur unaware, u don't fully aknowledge it, u don't really have a conscious idea of what u want from a romantic relationship that goes beyond akwardly answering a random question just for the sake of it, u were vague with ur answer but u managed to bring the essence out.

But nothing regarding love is clear, the only thing u have clear is that u don't wanna be parted from kagiura and that u don't wanna hurt him, and i truly can envision all of this finally connecting at some point because it simply makes so much sense, what u want is there —ur just yet to know exactly what u want, and how it's already there; who u want it from, who makes u want it. THEM being together makes so much sense, and it's gonna be so easy then (after all the hard parts) because they just work. So powerfully, so beautifully: they work. And we see that, everyone around them probably does too, we feel that so intensely that it feels like a crime to not realize how much sense it makes for them to be with eachother.

That's why it inspires so much violence out of me when hirano is like this like i just need to hate crime him for putting me through this😭😭. It all has me feeling a lot (can u tell lol), but on the other hand i'm just so sure of them???? and i'm just waiting for them to meet me there??? Things just have to connect, and they will, because they are everything the other wants and it all just has to come together. And sometimes i just read their mess and while there's a big part of me reacting and screaming and

there's another that just absorbs the big picture, sighs like a very old and unconditionally patient person would(?, and just appreciates them for being the mess that they are, for bringing some drama into my life, living and learning and trying to figure things out even in ways that sometimes make me cringe and cause the dramatic part of me to want to rip my head off and put it in a blender. They're getting there and i trust them and love them as if they were my kids or something

And lastly, seriously WHAT is that face?? (no bc let me emphasize that, it has to be done) I'll tell u: that's the face of gay. Gay blush. Gay thougths. Everything gay. There's no denying the gay. Maybe he can try to deny it but the thing is he has no proof he's not gay meanwhile i have 17 chapters AND MORE to back me up, if he fights me on this i'll END him

ALSO, it does things to me seeing the way hirano looks and melts at kagi being all focused and motivated because KAGI'S NOT LOOKING AT HIM at those moments, he's just in the zone looking very hot and it hits hirano like a truck and he doesn't get to see hirano in that exact moment😭😭. oh my god this patern is certainly repeating a lot before there's a crash. Harusono's gonna have us on edge and i'm about to die bc i NEED kagiura to realize HIS POWER!!##!@?#!"!"! and exploit the fuck out of it, tho of course at first he's going to be a mess (they're both gonna be) but just imagine him starting to use that to his advantage, him knowing that he can do that to hirano and make him very flustered by showing him that he knows about it. Let me tell u, he's gonna be a menace and i'm looking forward to it

[golbrocklovely]

i also sent this to xplrvibes, btw.

i found a psychic reading on colby and malia's relationship, and i watched it. throughout the whole video, it seems like their relationship is starting to go down, and colby might be losing interest, or something bad happened like an argument and they're just distant with each other rn. the psychic reader also said the relationship doesn't really seem serious and as more of a friends with benefits....but i also don't know much about psychic reading so idk if any of that could be true.

here's the link tho so you could watch it, maybe get your own opinion from it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gww1I9VmBNY&ab_channel=MiiksConspiracies

yall are making me come out of retirement with this tarot reading sksksks

imma be so forreal, and this is no hate to the girl that did this reading. but genuinely…. if you're already going into the reading getting the "ick" from both parties involved, maybe that's your sign to not do it. idk, but that's how i feel about it.

also, when i do a reading (and i'm by no means an expert so don't take my word for it, this is just what i do) while i "tap in" to others' energies, i don't try to feel what's going on. i just let the cards talk and then circle back. bc otherwise, when you say "i'm getting the vibe that" it just makes you sound like all the fans on twitter that hate the girls from day one and said "idk why, but i just get bad vibes from them" lol

and i have to add that the ppl on twitter talking about this literally said of this reading "oh she must be one of us" bc she sounded like them so that gives you an idea as to what's said in the video.

so…. here's my reading on malia and colby. and i know, i said i wouldn't but i had to.

this is a very quick reading so i'm not gonna go into the most amount of detail.

how does colby feel about malia: nine of pentacles reversed. colby is guarded and has issues opening up completely, even tho he wants to. fear of losing his independence. shocker to literally no one.

hanged man. love can't be rushed, so while he might feel the connection, he shouldn't jump the gun on this, or listen to outside sources on what to do next in his relationship. don't force things. timing is everything.

eight of pentacles. he's learning new things about malia everyday, slowly cultivating his relationship with her. there's still plenty of room to grow for him and her.

four of swords. colby needs his alone time, he feels as if maybe he is spending too much time with her, or at the very least needs time to sit back and reset (since he is such an introvert).

how does malia feel about colby: two of swords. there's something blocking them from solving certain problems that are arising. my guess is him being unable to completely open up quite yet. this is not a bad thing, since what they need to do is sit and communicate.

knight of pentacles. this is could also be the answer to their "problem". the knight of pents is a dedicated partner, but also extremely absorbed in his work (sounds like colby to a T). but this is also a sign of steady and secure relationship.

the sun in reverse. boredom. however things are still good. just no excitement.

queen of pentacles. stable time, fruitful. a lot of stability.

what does all of this mean?

so what i'm gathering is that colby does care for malia, but he is being held back by his own past issues and isn't able to fully open up to her yet. and on top of that, he doesn't want to move too fast (probably bc his past relationship moved too fast and then he got left behind) so i think he's doing his best to take things slow. and he slowly is enjoying his time more and more with her, but he also needs to remember to give himself some time to unwind and be alone. which he has talked about before in the past needing from previous partners.

as for malia, she wants to connect to colby and get to know him better but his issues are making that a bit hard for her. but not only that, he's busy. that man loves working, so she sometimes feels as if she doesn't get to see him without it being a work vacation, so to speak. but she definitely sees herself being with him long time. she sees he is dedicated to her, but the speed at which they are going is going to bore her a bit. eventually she will realize that it's for the best, since she will soon see that things will work out well.

what i gather is that both of them seem to be in for the long hall, they just have to make sure to communicate. and take time to themselves.

also let's not forget that they have only been together for like four months really, bc they met in late nov/early dec and probably didn't start actually dating/getting serious until january/february so like… let's cut them some slack yall lol

[softhairedhotch]

no, thank YOUUUU <3333 and it's okay HEHE remember to take it easy!!! 🫶 i can tell u for sure i will be here ready to absorb and consume n love anything that u create <3333 ive already read ur new fic Too Many Times . it struck sooo many chords like . I WOULD REALLY DO ALL THAT 😭😭 n ya fr there's too many good ideas out there to explore n there's only so much you can do at One moment. i personally have this long standing problem of starting sooo many things that i cannot finish bc i'm a master procastinator... so the only way i function is with looming deadlines ☠️ wish i was getting paid to just sit down n think about aaron bc man... i'd be a millionaire by now 🗿

TEHEEHHEE OMGGG PLEASEEE PHONE SEX . another big weakness of mine . idk how many times ive said smth is my weakness BUT like there's just some tropes that NEVER GETS OLD ... also sometimes i focus so much on aaron n how he makes you feel that i don't think about how HE would be so affected by everything about you GOSSHHHHHH please . like you're captivated by him but he's literally also soooo smitten and down bad for you to that he has to fight his urges to just give into anything that u want 😭😭 but unfortunately he can't always magically teleport to wherever you are so he just talks you through it and gives you such clear instructions BRRRR IMAGINE IF HE USES HIS WORK VOICE BC HE WANTS YOU TO LISTEN TO HIM EXACTLY STEP BY STEP . like my god i can't believe how i can giggle n kick my feet whenever cm has a scene of aaron giving instructions n delegating work to the team... like it's just so hot . n when he shows off his intelligence WOWOWWEEWW major turn on . n wooooof.

AND??!?$$;&; him sending pictures of himself 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️ also i love the idea of aaron being away from u but being soo pent up that he takes the initiative to surprise you with a special video of him jerking off or using a toy <333 and u BET he knows to send it with sound so you can hear all the sounds he's making <333 bc what is nut videos without SOUND 😤😤😤

omg.. i luv daddy kinks BRRRR n sometimes it just especially HITS SO HARD . like omfg got me actively looking for those daddy asmr porn audios 😭😭😭😵‍💫😵‍💫 sometimes it takes awhile to find a good one but when i strike gold... Wow . GODDD i know aaron would say such filthy things that are downright insulting n degrading... BUT HE DOES IT IN THE SOFT AFFECTIONATE VOICE sparkled with some praises... AGRGRHRHHH .

omg REALLLL he's SOOO the type to make you say what you want directly in words. he isn't going to budge if you're just whining n hoping he'd take the hint bc he himself also loves to hear such filthy things come out of your mouth <3333 "you know daddy really loves to give you whatever you want... but not if you don't use your words. come on, does your pretty little mouth only function as daddy's cocksleeve?" HARGRHRHEHEJE i am Dead . n STOPPPP ENCOURAGING MEEEE ure gna make the can of worms EXPLODE ABOUT ALL THE FILTHY THOUGHTS ABT AARON'S CUM PLSSSS (not actually complaining ! i am Egged)

also omg... TEEHEE... i will tell u more abt my lovely male oc soon!!!! omfg im SO EXCITED . bc i literally have never talked about it to anyone even though i've thought abt it in such detail LMFAOOOO its just hard out there to find someone who shares the same brain ... damn 😭 i'm really glad i happened to stumble across ur page n decided to send an ask <333 bc i rly enjoy talking to u too!!!!! <3

-🤲

you're so sweet bless <3 hehe i'm glad you liked my new fic!! and YEAH I GETCHA omg that used to be me, like i couldn't do stuff without deadlines, AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN DO THINGS WITH DEADLINES LMAO. sometimes i can, but if i set it myself then you best believe it ain't getting done. i procrastinate sooooo much it's painful. like i could sit here and write for most of the day because rn i currently do NOTHING ELSE in my life (rip, i'm working on it lol) but do i??? no!! i mean that's just a lot of effort innit lol, writing constantly sounds exhausting even tho it's all i wanna do

phone sex my beloved <3 and awwww yeahhh he'd be sooo so so in love with you and he'd wanna do anything and everything you ask :') but GOD YEAH him using his work voice?? all stern and professional and demanding?? goddd i need that so bad. and YESSS when he shows of his intelligence it's soooo hot, like that one scene where he does the maths and penelope goes "is this reid?" and he goes "what, you impressed?" YES I AM BABE I LOVE YOU SM

i loooooove the idea of his sending pics <333 that's why i love looking at nsfw stuff sm bc sometimes i strike GOLDDDDD and its like the most aaron pic ever and it makes me lose my mind. once i found one that was so him i fully forgot to breathe and was blushing like mad (this one i think!). it was... a lot LMFAO. but god god GOD him sending a video of him jerking off when on a case??? i need that soooo so so much. and yes FR there needs to be sound in nut videos. once was sent one from a guy WITHOUT SOUND like babe? dude? what are you doing? where's the fun in that? i mean it was hot don't get me wrong but i was like "buddy wheres the sound at 🤨" LMAOOO

YESS I KNEW YOU WOULD BE INTO DADDY KINKS LMFAOOOO. and omg real, they're sometimes so good and for what. or any video of someone with daddy vibes,, godddddd sometimes it just HITS FR. YESS HIS VOICE WOULD BE SO SWEET AND GENLTE AND LOVING BUT ALSO DOMINATING AND THE STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS SOOOO FILTHY N HOT

yessssssss he'd looove to hear you say what you need. "come on, little one, let daddy know what you want, hm? i need to hear you say how much you want my cock" and "you want me to ride you, sweetheart? want daddy to ride you until you can't cum anymore? hm? let me hear you say those words, baby, i need to hear you say it."

and yayyy i'm so excited to hear about your oc!! i can't WAIT it's gonna be soooo good i just kNOW IT. i'm also really glad you stumbled across my page too <33 thanks for sending me all these asks!!!!

[mommyvirgo111]

pick a pile: what u need to know rn

disclaimer: pick a pile readings r for a collective so it might not all resonate, if it doesn’t apply let it flow. but i do still hope this resonates for someone.

pile 1 ✿

”when will it be my turn?” it will be ur turn when u decide to finally stop wondering will it be ur turn and prioritize ur needs instead of your wants. sometimes everything can’t happen right now, don’t lose hope bc something isn’t happening right when you want it to. be patient. this group is craving stability or really wants to reach a goal but keeps encountering things or losing motivation. but things just don’t happen overnight u need to trust the universe’s timing and put in the work to achieve ur goals as well. nothing will happen if u don’t put in the effort for these things to happen but that doesn’t mean that u need to rush. take accountability for urself ♡︎.

song that matches the vibe:

pile 2❥

someone is in love, huh? it’s a very beautiful thing to love & accept that love too. u deserve love & to feel loved idk i feel like this group has hard time opening up in terms to love like when y’all realize that u have interest in someone or when y’all are in a situationship/relationship and things get too deep it’s like y’all wanna run away. but in order be with this person you want to be with or that you currently are with, you have to accept love. you have to accept their flaws and you have to be able to come to terms with the fact that you have some too. for those who picked this pile and not in a relationship or in love, you need to stop criticizing yourself so much. there may be some issues with self-image, stop comparing urself to people. be more gentle to yourself. who says you can’t be in a relationship with yourself? treat yourself the way you want your ideal partner to you. do u treat urself with care? and i don’t mean doing face masks or over-spending in the name of self-love. have you sat with yourself and really absorbed the fact that you are you, despite everything you have come to be the person you are now and that is amazing. self-love is like healing, there’s always ups and down’s. and it’s not always pretty. overall, single or not this group needs to become more accepting of love in all forms❦.

song that matches the vibe:

pile 3☆

i feel like this group has been upset/ sad bc something didn’t go the way they expected. at work? school? somewhere away from home. either that or some recent experience really humbled you. and it has left this group feeling defeated or wanting to give up. was this thing that went wrong last minute? or job interview didn’t work out? rejection = redirection. sometimes things don’t work out. and that’s okay. please try not to dwell on this issue too much i promise there are better things arising for you. life has many paths and sometimes those paths have bumpy roads. continue to do your best. big changes coming up regarding ur $$ in mid march- early april. its not a bad thing i feel like its either a promotion or a better job, or regarding financial aid for school. overall, you’re doing well. keep going and it’s okay to take breaks.

song that matches the vibe:

[straycalamities]

Your post made me curious about Julien.... Would love to hear about him and Andrews relationship

hmm...the conundrum with that is i would like to show it one day so how much to tell...

the thing abt this is julian has ALWAYS been written in andrews life. one of the constants of his story no matter how much he changes. (he used to be named Matty) but ive uh...been a chicken to properly show it because uh its HEAVY.

so hm...i've gone over andrew's family life before so it's not meh to go over it again i think...

that's also mostly stayed the same.

readmore bc...ya boys gonna get long-winded

so andrew has a very strict mother with very high expectations of her children, but especially him. his father is more lax and easy-going, pretty carefree tbh, but bc of this its to a fault where he also just..doesnt want to confront his wife. so things kinda..go out of control in the household as far as...his mom's weird like..competition thing between andrew and his sister

so andrew has a twin sister Alana (anyone remember Jackie? yea) and she's pretty naturally good at whatever she puts her mind to. not that she doesnt bust her ass, but things just? come to her. it's just how it is. and she's very much a daddy's girl which pushes andrew into the role of momma's boy. so then it becomes andrew's dad and alana vs andrew's mom and andrew. except. it's pretty much only andrew's mom pushing this narrative, but she's a very convincing person and is the kinda person to naturally command a room

alana is also a naturally curious person so she likes to pick up hobbies and things and practice them until she's over it or good at it or both. and thus..andrew gets pushed into these things too, to not be outdone

the thing about andrew, though, is that he's got a more particular way that he needs to engage with things to actually pick things up and learn them. first of all, he's a very kinetic learner so just reading or hearing a lecture about it doesn't do anything for him. and unfortunately he doesn't have anyone in his life early on (teachers nor family) who understand this about him. they just think there's something wrong with him or off about him or that he's lazy/doesn't care.

but andrew cares. oh he cares. way too much. and he works. so hard. to try to match with the expectations weighing on him, but it just! doesn't happen! no matter how hard he tries! he can't absorb what he's reading! he can't process what he's hearing! when he DOES get the chance to just get his hands on things and figure things out, he shines

and alana tries to help because despite it all, she cares a lot about him. she tries to show him things or tell him what helped her, but it's just..different. the things that work for her, dont't work for him. and she also can't be with him a lot because she has a lot going on. she has big aspirations and she has lots of friends (more things he struggles with) how did they end up so different u_u

so andrew's daily life is very very stressful. he feels like he's always under watch, under scrutiny, every little thing is being judged, weighed, and measured. and that just makes everything much harder for him. he eventually learns over-time to perform great under pressure but that's because the pressure in his adult-life is nothing like the pressure of his childhood lmao

(and if this is a universe where he's got the necromancy thing goin on, there's THAT whole can of worms too. bc of how looked down on and oo scary necromancy is)

so its like..andrew does have his aspirations, his dreams. he wants to be an astronaut! :) and he maintains some semblance of that goal his whole life. he just likes space! he thinks its neat and would rather just spend all day learning about space than anything he's supposed to be learning. not that it's easier, but he's more motivated lmao

he's a C or low B student (idk how to translate american schooling marks into anything else sorry..american moment) and so he's not doing...too bad, but definitely not enough to his teachers or his parents. and he's "inconsistent" bc go figure sometimes lessons are more to his learning capabilities and he excels so oh no now ppl have Proof He Can Do It why cant he do it All The Time. fantastic.

being so focused on making everyone proud or proving everyone wrong in other cases (yes andrew does operate on a level of spite) has andrew finding little time for himself. especially bc his moms the type to not like uhh idle activities. everythings gotta have a Point of Growth. literally the only reprieve is that his mom works away from home a lot, but she'll definitely call or video-call often to make up for that fact. and andrew's The One she has her eye on. he's Her responsibility to better

(the thing about his mom is god she's a strict hard-ass but she does love him uh...so i'm not trying to make it all Ooo Evil Heartless Mother Time. nah she cares but boy is she awful at showing it. and that's not an excuse but..yaknow. it is how it is. her whole thing abt being such a tyrant is that she's worried about him and wants him to do better and Be better and so she's gonna force it down his throat til it takes ...rip)

ofc his family all has their bonding pleasant moments its not all hell all the time and like i said his dad and sister are more uh..better at showing they care but still not..amazing. the whole household like i said before in another post is more reserved than like..ji-hoon's for example who freely give hugs and stuff

anyways so alll of this uh..stuff is to explain: Andrew Doesn't Have Friends LMAO his entire elementary school experience is spent not having time for friends and eventually just not knowing how to Make them bc he had no practice or experience doing so. and the other kids don't think much about him because he doesn't make time for them? they've got other ppl to hang out with. and when a kid does make an attempt he fucks it up somehow or his mom scares them off with the Restrictions for how andrew is allowed to interact with other kids (if andrew wouldnt tell them tho they wouldnt have to know..smh)

by the time he's transitioning to middle school is when he meets julian. julian ALSO does not have friends (gee wonder why (youll see why)) and julian sees andrew not having friends either and thinks well! time to have this loner be MY friend. and julian is a pretty charismatic person when he wants to be. he knows how to small talk and keep conversations going and all that. i say this like a tween julian already has evil intentions but tbh..nah it DOES honestly start off innocent enough. julian has a lot going on at home too and wants someone to be his friend. simple as that. andrew doesnt already have a group, so..easy choice there. should be

the stuff that usually scares ppl away doesnt work on julian because he's a very anti-rules disobedient sort at this point already anyways. he just sees it as a challenge really so even if andrew makes things awkward by parroting his moms rules on how he can interact with other kids based on her paranoias about the typical Child and what they could teach Her Precious Baby it doesnt phase him. he gonna do it anyway

they do have interests in common, turns out! they like some of the same music. some of the same shows/movies. and things like that. the rest of it Becomes shared interests bc julians the type to go "hey i like this. now you will too" and for the most part? their shared tastes go a long way and andrew DOES end up liking most things julian introduces him to

at first julian does kinda..have no choice but to follow the Hard Rules that andrews got for hanging out so..they pretty much only see each other at school, they start picking up writing letters for each other to read only when they get home so they can write a reply and they get kinda lengthy as more topics get added lol

but eventually julian starts convincing andrew to like..shake things up a bit. asks where he lives. turns up at his window. just to chaaat ofc. theyre not gonna get in trouble psh.. its just talking. then it becomes andrew calling julian at home even tho he's not allowed to be on the phone, but if he does it at night then nobody can catch him (or if his moms away bc tbh does his dad rly care..? but andrew assumes he does)

and so julian and andrew get steadily closer and closer that way and andrew is. ecstatic. his first friend! and a really close one! they're best friends! and for julians credit, he's still just thinking "yay i have a friend. someone that makes life suck less :) even if he's a dweeb who i need to teach to live life"

and okay well anything further about them needs content warnings: very unhealthy, toxic relationship talk. manipulation

so unfortunately. julian has a very uhh extreme view on his life. he likes to exaggerate everything (usually for the worst) and jus tlike in general. not just describing it, he actually feels like his life is the worst life anyone could ever have. his parents split up when he was young and now he's being raised by his grandma who is also strict but in a way where its like..shes strict on him but lives kinda like..whatever, herself. shes very do as i say not as i do but julian hangs onto the Example she's putting off and hates her guts for having the Audacity to try to make him do different when she cant even do it herself. he also has an uncle who has his fingers in a lot of very shady pots and so julian is keen to things he rly shouldnt be at a young age

so with all that, he has a tendency to kinda lash out at the world around him. thats sorta his...uh version of coping. and with so many ppl putting him at arms length mostly because of THIS part of his behavior especially, he's only got one person at his side. loyal. always there for him.

unfortunately thats andrew

and it starts small like..playful insults. nothing rly anything at first it could just be the way he shows affection. but then the insults hit parts that sting deeper and deeper. and get more and more personal. and julian starts making almost memes? of some of andrews faults, weaknesses, and insecurities as if that's just one of their Inside Jokes they have, yknow, as best pals. so andrew feels like oh well i have to like this bc its Special and its just for me. i should appreciate that he's doing this. nobody else has this. and he's not being Mean he's just being playful

and unfortunately the more andrew lets him get away with it, the worse julian gets about it. the thing is that nobody's taught andrew self-worth yet. he's been too busy trying to be what other people want him to be. so here he is, also being what julian wants him to be: a punching bag. but he doesnt realize thats what it is. he just thinks julian wants andrew to be the type to be "playfully rude" with but, again, im saying julian goes way past that

and as julian gets older, the more he reserves what used to be how he was with everyone, being him, being genuine in all the worst and best ways, with only andrew. so everyone else gets this very like..agreeable neutral kinda personality out of julian. so then andrew also sees THAT and thinks wow..i really am special

and as years go by and they go from middle school to high school and social situations change around them, andrew feels even more lucky he's gotten somebody special to him and that he's special to because by highschool it feels like everyones already got their cliques and their partners-in-crime and he'd feel like a mega loser without julian. and julians shown him and taught him so many cool things that give him things to actually talk about with other ppl when they Engage with him?

but yeah throughout highschool julian teaches andrew more and more rulebreaking habits. they even set up ways to make money at school w stuff like..selling test answers or snacks or stuff when they can get away with it. or skipping classes or other things. vandalizing things. pranking ppl (harmless :) ofc..but maybe only physically so)

so we return to julian's uncle. liek i said he's a shady dude. well. he starts involving an older julian in his shady shit. so now julian and andrew are peddling fkn weed and prescription drugs around their school and neighborhood. eventually they're hotwiring vehicles to steal. (kinda uhh tragically this is actually where andrew figures out he's pretty good at cars and likes them a lot and even if he's having a constant crisis about Being Awful, he's also uhhh more motivated to learn how to do a new thing and Be Good At It. bc that's the thing isnt it? he's finally Good At Something) and stealing other things too

and i kinda quickened the pace here but its like..well it does escalate pretty quickly because at some point julian has andrew wrapped around his little finger and tho there are the times one or both of them get caught and andrew gets in trouble, has a crisis, and swears off doing anything like that ever again!! julian just has to warm andrew up to it again. because by highschool julian also has the upper hand in that he's become andrew's gay awakening. so now andrew has a huge crush on him and especially wants to impress him and keep him around and notice him and find him cool and worthwhile

and at first julian is sorta confused?? but diversity win! the manipulative toxic asshole best friend is also into boys! but giving andrew everything he wants wouldnt be very fun would it? he has something to dangle over his head. and he's gotten to the point where this is high risk shit. andrew could very much change his mind about everything about them and leave julian and the longer time goes on, the more paranoid julian becomes of this very thing happening. so he holds onto whatever leashes he can get twisted around andrew

he'll entertain his attraction but never clarifies anything. never gives him like..bold affection. never makes it clear how he feels or if he's even completely fine with it? which adds pressure onto andrew that he's just making all this up. or he's being the weirdo, pushing something on julian who might be straight or something

outside of julian tho, andrew's family is noticing his behavior bc i mean..also hes obviously getting caught doing some of this stuff. and his grades are even worse. and sometimes they get calls abt him missing school? and they try to intervene bc like..andrews got One friend. its gotta be this guy. so they try to ground andrew, ban julian, all kinds of stuff but they're slippery and they've got all sorts of workarounds. and ultimately, they still go to the same school. and..sadly. this, at first, just makes andrew desperate to keep julian all the more bc now he's beome this like..symbol of freedom and having Fun and living life to the fullest and anything related to home starts being associated with prison, suffocation, snuffing out his personality and everything he's learned about himself and like..even if he doesnt rly has Friends outside of julian (he's convinced julian is the only friend he rly wants/needs) he's still seen as cool! the Bad Boy, the Hookup for cool shit (snacks, drugs etc) he's a hit sometimes with the Le Popular Kids ooo... and he might even get invited to get-togethers with julian (julian is actually the introvert to andrews extravert but he Humors ppl for the image and he likes the way andrew always looks at him like a lost puppy when he's trying to figure out what to say in convos with other ppl)

but overtime, julians just gotten too comfortable with being too rough with andrews mentality and his emotions. bc he's never stopped his absolute drilling into andrews squishy parts in order to make himself feel better. or somehow blaming andrew for everything, even julians own shortcomings. and playing hot n cold with andrews emotions and etc. like there's just a lot he does that keeps andrew eternally unsure of where he's standing with julian or if he's doing things Correct or in a way that makes julian Happy. and as andrew gets older and starts Understanding things, he starts Understanding that hey...there's actually a lot about this that he doesnt like. he starts trying to...ask julian to lighten up. to consider his feelings on things. that he wants to do..things he wants to do? why do they always do things julian wants to do. why do they always get into what julian likes but never what andrew likes.

julian is...surprised and he does not Like this change. doesnt like that andrew is trying to cause problems? in their relationship? like why make this a thing? when its nothing? it was fine before? but the thing about letting andrew meet ppl, gain reasons for ppl to wanna talk to him and know him is that he gets to know how other ppl are and how they feel abt him. and though he hasnt made any other Friends, he's just learning how..Normal ppl are. and how julian with him is Not Normal. and its in a bad way bc andrew feels bad! he feels sick to his stomach sometimes. and nobody gets to him like julian does! and he thought before it was the crush but now he's starting to realize...he doesnt actually feel that way about julian anymore because he's just gotten so...Cruel

well now when andrew gets grounded/banned from julian, he doesn't fight it. he doesn't find the loopholes anymore. he lets things go and just kinda...tries to see how he feels? and he finds he...feels better. there's ways he feels worse, but there's a lot more ways he feels like he can breathe. like he's a person. and he likes it so...he starts to just ween himself off julian. and julian starts to act up more bc he doesnt have his usual ways to Cope and gets in trouble more, being at school Less and that just causes more distance

and julian is finally living with what he was most terrified of. and andrew is willingly? throwing him away? and he cant have that. he's at his wits end and panicking

new content warning: whew boy suicide mention/suicide-baiting

and thats all i rly have to say aint it

he holds the fact over his head that if andrew actually does officially cut ties with him, julian will kill himself. that he has no reason to live if he doesn't have andrew. that andrew is his everything and the light of his life, his joy, all that. and he cant't just? leave him like this?

and at first andrews like wait no this is awful dont do that..im sorry and like..tentatively keeps his ties to julian, tries to continue things the wya they were! just uh..different! bc if julian wants andrew to stay then..compromises have to happen okay? and julian says he agrees but catch things getting worse again and andrew in the same boat he was before

distancing

julian freaking out in a panic at 2am on a phone call describing what he's about to do til andrew apologizes again

rinse

repeat

but andrew eventually is just...tired. man. he's getting closer to graduating. he really does NOT need this. it's taking such a heavy toll on him bc rly! nothing else terrible in his life ever really went away, this is just an addition. it's not that his mom saw him acting out and thought oh...this is bc im too hard on him, nah, she stays hard. she gets Harder. his moms stern and affectionless and doesnt understand his plights, his sisters always so busy with her life, and his dad is out of touch. and mostly: andrew doesnt want to bother anyone with his problems. its his own fault, after all. its his mess. and he also is terrified of what anyone would think of even..half the things he'd have to admit to get them to understand. or even a fourth tbh

so one day he just..has had enough. julian threatens to tell his parents what he's done, what he's really like even if it brings julian down too. julian plans to be dead anyways after so what does it matter

and andrew just tells him to do it and hangs up

he feels sick to his stomach for days, but also is too fed up to call and apologize or take it back. he flip-flops on both so much he ends up doing nothing at all

and this is where julian is officially out of his life. i call it Schrodinger's Julian at this point bc did he? or didnt he? well what is the truth is he just does not show up again. so andrew is free but..he literally does not know at what cost. and the guilt eats him up alive for the rest of his life as well as all the damage literally going from like 12-13 to 18 with what this shit did to him

(cw: suicide stuff over)

this is where some of the stories diverge? umm..he either goes immediately to college or waits. with the college timeline Also diverging to oh he makes it somehow or oh he has to drop out

my default tho is that he does try, but he has to drop out. and makes an absolute mess of himself while he's trying. college parties and nightlife and everything else. sex drugs and rock n roll pretty much. everything he knows about connecting to other people is completely Fucked and so he thinks he's making connections but it's not real. and nothing feels like it did with julian but that should be a good thing? or should it. he misses the old julian and he misses the good parts and he feels like he'll never have that with someone again or that maybe...if he did...they'd do the same thing. maybe its dangerous to be that close to anyone. but oh he wants it. so bad.

and we'll continue with my usual story but uh (cw: drugs/drug-use)

we have to delve a bit into the fact he becomes an addict. because he very much does. with all the escapism he does in college because he's just trucking along without processing a drop of this? no therapy? not even someone to vent to or hold onto? nah man. shits rough. and he loses himself in many kinds of drugs but heroin is his Drug of Choice and also loses himself in other people but in shallow ways. he becomes a party animal but in the worst way and that becomes his "college" is just this whole social scene that he's not even engaging with in a meaningful way bc he's too terrified of earnest closeness with another human being

meanwhile his grades tank and he just...stops going. needless to say he becomes very much a disaster of a human being at the end of this. the thing is tho..its all self-internalized. he doesnt take it out on other ppl or even want to make it other ppls problems. he tries to just come off as this rly fun guy whos up for literally anything. and like yeah ppl who hang w him enough can definitely See Somethings Up but he's literally just like oh its nothing! its fine im fine! bc no if he opens up about anything everyones gonna hate and abandon him

and unfortunately this gets back to his mom and she uh...cuts him off. completely. if he wont get cleaned up. if he wont just...BE better jst DONT be this trainwreck of a son or else. dont associate with her. thinking maybe itd be a shock enough he'd just Get Better? (lmao) but lmao no. and he rly spirals bad after that but luckily his dad and his sister still sneak contact with him, doing what they can? with someone who doesnt wanna make anything anyone elses' problem and insists he's fine everythings. Fine.

what Does finally have him like?? find hope again? and cling to it and start to eventually put his life back on its feet again depends on the story im writing but something eventually always does and he always has the same Sponsor to help him :'3 darius...(his old roommate from when he was a teacher at thornville..remember that guy? yea rewrote him into here in a different way) and idk..things do look up for andrew! it's just...a very much uphill battle and that's kinda usually where i place him in like Current Events in whatever sceneario/story im thinking of is after he's gotten on his feet (shakily but he's there) and he's usually a mechanic (sometimes moonlights as a necromancer for hire as well) and he's Working himself up to trying college again but hes taking his time. and he's got some sort of support circle (darius, ji-hoon, and sometimes others)

ji-hoon he actually meets as one of his roommates in college and it takes a lot of Effort from ji-hoon but he sees andrew struggling and kinda nags his way into his life to help and is usually one of the reasons andrew gets inspired to get better bc ji-hoon is literally everything julian wasnt but like in a good way. he cares, unconditionally about ppl in general but especially andrew because idk they just Click right. and like i said in another post, ji-hoon's family basically adopts andrew as well and they're so affectionate and loving and give lots of affirmations and stuff and andrew probably cries bc he's never felt that much love tbh and then feels like shit abt it bc crying is dumb, but then everyone else cries too (happy tears) and its like oh

idk this is where i start having lot sof tangential thoughts so ill leave it here but uh! yeah! so that's the story of julian and andrew! and the damage it did! and yes! this is true in every iteration of andrew ive ever written! (the julian and childhood family stuff part, not necessarily all the rest that comes after, a lot of that's new)

[murdrdocs]

hii ! do you have any tips for new fanfic writers ? if you don’t have any or don’t want to answer this anonymous ask, that’s totally fine :)

i answer these a lot but tumblr won’t show it in the tags (tumblr … fix ur search system). anyway my biggest advice is always to write and to read legit that’s it. you only improve if you continue creating, and absorbing other things that you like and that gives inspiration/a drive to continue to create (in my experience).

sometimes writing can be hard and frustrating but other times it’s super simple and the simplest thing is legit to write.

and don’t worry abt engagement. i didn’t start getting the engagement i get until i was a few months into my blog and that only happened bc i instantly started writing eddie munson as soon as st4 came out. anyway engagement isn’t everything just remember that.

[kehannii]

So. A combination of reading final girl, this one TikTok comic, my love for marichat, and my apparent insomnia has lead to this:

Guardian au where that first day, Fu seeks a holder for the Black Cat Miraculous and, instead of a new holder for the Ladybug, a new guardian to train.

Chat Noir is the sole ‘savior of Paris’

He can’t purify akumas but instead absorbs them, which, according to Fu, will destroy the akuma’s corruption. No “bye bye little butterfly” more like “Die die bitchy moth”(the corruption isn’t fully distorted and has its effects bc the universe hates Adrien agreste)

Fu is strictly against awakening the Ladybug because he doesn’t want to risk loosing it bc he has trauma over loosing the butterfly and peacock already and he absolutely cannot loose Creation.

He’s fine with using the Black Cat because while the miraculous might be a tiny bit *cough cough* unstable, Creation can fix any of the damage done by Destruction and the two miraculous are a pair so if he looses the Cat, the Ladybug will lead him to it or something idk I haven’t thought that one through.

So anyways, after stoneheart and the akuma multiplying is over, Paris is in ruins. Not like big big ruins but like, casualty rates are really high, some people are still statues, and there’s a shit ton of property damage. It’s been days and the popo are still dragging bodies out of the rubble. Ppl are angry at chat noir bc of all the damage left behind and all that yada yada.

Adrien himself is all like oh shot naur I do not wanna do this anymore, oh and he’s like bruised all over from the many, many times he’s been slammed into hard things and fallen from his baton. He’s feeling guilty and in pain and is like, bro I only wanted to go do school not this shit.

He miles around and despairs for a while and after like a week of Paris dealing with the damage, Fu gains a brain cell and does some voodoo shit with the ladybug miraculous so that it doesn’t fully awaken, puts the earrings on and calls for the cure.

Everything goes back to normal; the dead are waking up in morgues, buildings are fixing themselves, injuries are going away, stone monsters are turning back into people, wveything is back to normal. Except, the cure, when it washes over Adrien does…nothing. It doesn’t heal him and cleanup his injuries, just makes him feel weird.

Adrien’s body is rejecting the Miraculous Cure, and that leads to issues but Adrien does not have his priorities straight so instead of going “oh no the magic bandaid isn’t helping me I’m going to get killed by one of these nasty bug thingies help guardian dude!” He’s just like “oh thank god Paris is a-okay I guess I don’t mind being a super hero if people stop dying” he has no self preservation because he’s a looser.

Anyways so that’s that. Chadrien absorbs akumas which makes him weird, fu presses the restart button on the Ladybug whenever Chadrien beats an akuma. Reset does not work for Adrien and leaves him in his bloody bruised state.

Adrien doesn’t really care that he’s not getting healed by the cure, he just patches himself up and for some reason people can’t really see the injuries even though he can feel them very very clearly so it doesn’t interfere with his modeling.

He doesn’t gaf until he starts like having emo symptoms from the corrupt butterflies that he’s eating (no I don’t know what the symltoms are yet probably like fucked up morality, violence, cat like tendencies, more carnivorous diet, sharp teeth… okay so I kind of know the symptoms) and plagg is like this shit is happening because the Ladybug isn’t awake and the two miraculous balance each other out and his magic is off kilter and he’s having side effects.

After a while of this and Adriens symptoms getting worse, and his body rejecting the cure even more, Adrien is fed up with Fu because “wdym you can’t wake up the Ladybug you’re literally using it every time to reset everything, the miraculous is already on the chess board, just use her!” And he’s pissed because Fu is chilling in some cozy apartment not lifting a finger or risking life and limb like he is to keep Paris safe and he gets to just woosh woosh make it all disappear from a safe distance when Adrien is in a state halfway to death since he got the his ring?

So he’s prissy about it and is always bugging Fu abt it but he’s an idiot as we’ve established and doesn’t mention the cure not working on him and instead of seeing it as a cry for help as in “oh no this is so much work I need a partner” and not what adorn actually means which is “oh for fucks sake I’m dying right now I need my partner” and Fu is like oh so you’re lonely right? (Which yes but that’s not the point???) and let’s him give out another miraculous so he has help fighting.

Adrien is so close to just cataclysming this old man it’s not even funny. He takes the miraculous and sure it helps and he’s not getting injured as much but he’s still eating akumas and that’s shitty especially when he’s puking black nasty shit now. Oh ya, as hawkmoth’s akumas get more dangerous, the akumas get more nasty and fuck with Adrien more than usual. And the more dangerous they are the more injured he gets.

One day after a particular rough akuma, Adrien is leaping through the city trying to get soemwhere quiet si he can maybe patch up the hole in his stomach(it’s not a big hole) and he’s excgahsred and he settles onto a particular balcony. He just lays there for a little, accidenoy knocks over a couple plants and just slouches against the wall and closes his eyes with a sigh and wishes he just stayed in that fucking house because he literally just wanted to go to school god damnit

Meanwhile… Marinette comes home from having this weird old guy fill her brain to the brim with new knowledge about magic jewels and powers and gods and guardians and the catman flying about and she wants nothing more than to climb into her bed and go to sleep. But then she hears somebody on her roof and is like wtf???

She grabs her weapon of choice (a paddle don’t ask) and climbs onto her balcony and then she sees the emo cat boy bleeding on her lawn chair.

She’s till tempted to whack him in the face but he’s bleeding and she’s training to be a Gaurdian apparently so it’s her job to like…patch him up right?

(Also the whole time she’s like, why is he still injured?? The cure should’ve healed him and is wondering if she should let Fu know abt this)

She gets him to stay and rushes back down to her room, grabs some fabric and like shoved onto his wound to stanch the bleeding all while muttering abt how expensive this fabric was dammit

And Adrien is just…starstruck… and confused. Like wtf is happening and how?? And as she’s like stopping the bleeding he’s just staring at her and like woah she’s really pretty(as she’s mourning her pretty fabric, scowls at him, and has his blood all over her hands and her shirt at this point) (Chadrien’s ring burns and his heart skips a beat but he’s a bit busy bleeding and ogling his classmate to notice)

At some point he’s like I have to…go? And she’s like bitch u have a whole in ur chest?? Where you gonna go with that?? And he’s like umm…magic?

She convinces him to stay for a sec, runs down, grabs pain killers, remembers that her parents keep a first aid kit down in the bakery, rushes down to grab the gauze, and by the time she makes it back up to the balcony she makes it back to the balcony her arms are filled with day old pastries, painkillers, a cat plushy and a pack of princess themed bandaids.

Chadrien refuses to question anything and takes all of it, says his good byes and thanks yous and leaps(limps) back home, barley managing to not fall on his face.

He feels light, lighter than he has since receiving his ring. He goes home and detransforms, plagg settles on his chest to work the corruption out of his wounds and Adrien contemplates the orange cat plushy on his pillow and thinks. He can’t help feeling like has changed, something big. He goes to sleep with smile tugging at his lips and sapphire eyes his mind.

Marinette stares after him long after he’s disappeared, deep in thought with a frown on her face. Eventually, she goes back down to her room and settles under the covers, a heavy feeling of foreboding twists itself into her chest.

The next morning, Master Fu is surprised to see her at his door before the rises, he wasn’t sure she’d ever comeback on her own accord. Nonetheless, he lets her in and makes them tea before answering all of her questions. If he notices that there are more inquiries than usual about the Miracle Cure, he does not show it.

So that’s that.

[novembermorgon]

Hello op tis me again!! Apologies for taking [checks notes] 84 years to get back to you I have had A Week. However!!! Cayn and Ysabel continue to live rent free <3 like I'm just so obsessed with how gothic they are which is like. My favorite thing tbh. Part of me is gratified bc everything you said I kept nodding and going yeah I thought so, because your art was so *clear* the vibes were just. So easy to read (in the best way). I THOUGHT the ring was a match with Aegon's and also rip the rat tail long live the rat tail. I have to say Ysabel haunts me but Cayn scratches an Itch. Like. U feel me? Cayn belongs squarely in Hannibal NBC with his palatable person suit that is doing very little to distract *him* from the fact that he's about to eat someone whole and raw and it's probably going to be someone he loves before he moves on to someone he hates. Maybe it'll even be the same person. Who knows!! There's this tragedy to them both but Cayn is almost trying to tell himself he can Change it and Control the way the tragedy will fall (and getting humbled bad lmao) while Ysabel is like. Carrion carted away by the waves. Never stood a chance and at some point she stopped fighting very hard. Also I feel like. There's this Deep Intimacy yet Huge Emotional Distance between Aemond and Ysabel where neither knows how to communicate or really Approach someone so instead they have to consume maim kill leave a mark. I cannot touch you except to hurt you ect. And her obsession with him is in and of itself so haunted bc it's like she wants to Eat Him but she Doesn't but that way she can Control It but. And we stay at that but. While with Aegon and Cayn it's like yes I do like you. I fear writing the stronger word. Instead I will eat you whole and you will remember me by the imprint of my teeth on your side and I will remember you by the way I bloat with desire for you and choke on your blood <3 and it's like wooow. Wooow. Love it. Obsessed with it. As you can tell I do not like them normal. Do u know what happens to them at the end of the war? I can't imagine Ysabel ending up any better than Helaena. But also. I gotta say. Big fan of tragic siblings I am—I have So Many Feelings about these two relating to each other qnd hoe The Love Was Apparently There and it Didn't Change Anything. Too many feelings to put it too words. After all that word vomit (thank u if you read the whole way through) I wish to tell you that u have inspired me to make my Bolton oc more weird and unsettling and haunted. My disgraced Lenora and her legion of skinned animals and skulls <3 My Shadowskin Lady. I want her to be such a Freak while also being so tragic and doomed to being nothing but a third wife <3 but anyway!! I have stolen enough of your time and wish you good luck with your commissions!! Thank uu for replying to me and I look forward to future works on these doomed suckers 😌

under the cut because this got long ..

IM JUST GLAD TO BE TALKING ABOUT THEM !

it did make me sit and stare and giggle a little bit because its true you were very on the mark with them . i do think part of the charm with the boltons Is their inability to be anything but very un-subtly gothic and weird and strange . you look at them and you can immediately clock what's going on here .

and its very true… ill be so real and genuine i STILL havent watched hannibal the whole way through but ive absorbed the vibe enough through many years of being a gay person online to where yeah definitely this guy has some hannibal in him . that bit of restraint in really really trying to put yourself in a square that slowly but surely begins to crack under the weight of at the core needing to feed the urge to hurt something . believes himself to be strong enough to keep it away but ultimately the same fate waits each time …… similarly to ysabel . they both end up in the same place of hurt inflicted on others and in turn on themselves but while cayn fights against it and tries to rise above it ysabel leans into it and accepts it regardless of how much it scares her because she's always been taught to lay down and take whatever comes her way as a polite nice lady that doesn't fight and doesn't say no .

i do like to spin their relationships around in my mind . both separately and between each other . with ysabel i feel like her most intimate moments Are when she gets to be a little unhinged ie biting and chewing on someone etc because its very raw . so entirely separate from anything she knows and anything that's expected of her and so desperate and pleading that it gets very real . whereas cayn for a long time sees that violence as a failure to himself and in turn prefers to sit down and have a polite conversation and only thinks of how it would be to reach across the table and strangle a man . ultimately though that violence is inherent to him i like to think he wants to feel in control of it . wants to have the upper hand no matter what and doesnt like when it becomes an urge that just drives you without thought or reason . ysabel starving animal who cant help it vs cayn predator on a calculated hunt etc in the end theyre both very much formed by being raised by a dad who was so much worse . united in misery and a root of violence and hate and death that was planted in them from the moment they were born . they both have it and they will never escape it because there was never a point where it wasnt there. as for endings ….

i'm a little conflicted on them both partially because i still need to iron out some war details etc but as a general frame of reference it ends aaaalmost the same as in canon beyond the fact that the greens win a little more vividly . well . as much as you can 'win' a terrible tragic war with your own family . in the end jaehaera + aegon + alicent + cayn + ysabel and her kids are alive . aegon iii and viserys ii hang around too like in canon . i imagine errhhmmmm… (taps my noggin) aegon remarries . ive been fond of cassandra baratheon stepmom to jaehaera lately . well.. king's landing politics ensue . everyone is sort of miserable . i swear that i'll get to figuring it all out one day . i swear!!!!

most relevant to court i guess would be ysabel since i imagine she remains in the red keep for most of the war and after it . mentioned somewhere i think but she has two kids - a daughter (aelora) and a son (baelor) both of which make it through the war - but baelor is weak and sickly kind of partially because ysabel is basically left half-bedbound after her second pregnancy that probably shouldn't have happened in the first place . … he dies of illness pretty young which sends ysabel spiraling even worse than she already was post war . girls who have their bodies irreversibly ruined and torn apart to where they can barely function anymore in the hopes of having a son - giving a little boy to a husband who is bound to die at war and having your son follow closely behind and having it all be for nothing . i think she grows to resent her daughter silently for being a girl (westerosi misogyny so deeply seated even in its women) and i don't think they ever really grow all that close . sits and rots in her chambers or in the gardens and dreams about her dead son and her dead husband instead of looking to the family she has that are still there .

i think she's kind of disconnected from court just based on the fact she's entirely too hurt physically and mentally to really even be able to contribute much . she's allowed to sit in her misery because she's family to the targs atp but it's a little rough . in a little twist of weird connections i think she would get along with aegon iii pretty well in the sense that they're both horrendously miserable and she projects some sort of son onto him. sits and reads with him and talks about whatever kids talk about and acts like nothing is wrong for a few hours

i played with the idea of her eventually joining the silent sisters as a sort of final frontier of guilt and shame and horror at what her life becomes but i don't think she would even have the drive to do that much at the end of the war LOL

and cayn …

this one is trickier because he's …. … ……..? i dont know. i think its tough to find a real direction for him in my mind and i cant figure out why . but i think i got it.. more context first > their dad dies during the war, i imagine somewhere around rook's rest after the north is openly split apart or a bit later on when they actually try to go against the starks directly, and in my mind it kind of leaves cayn in (similarly to ysabel) in a state of being trapped in the past in a place he can never return to . their dad represents everything cayn believes he should be and all he should live up to and all his house and family stand for and seeing him die really does get to him . not to mention he also gets hurt pretty bad - just that chunk of harm that comes with war and what it'll do to a man. forever stuck on some field of battle far away and the world keeps spinning but you never quite spin along with it . dons his dad's armor and now suddenly he's saddled with the weight of responsibility and duty and all their family's pain both literally and metaphorically . kind of resembles the bolton skinchanging theories if you really get insane about it ie you take on a man's skin (his weird flesh armor) and now you're just as much him as you are yourself etc

i imagine he returns to king's landing for a while after they've duked it out with the starks for a bit and the north cools off a little . comes back and he's hurt and aegon is hurt and barely conscious half the time and his facade probably drops pretty harshly . spends some time taking care of aegon and doing what he's told and dreams about the fact that there has to be a purpose and a meaning to fighting a war . goes against what he used to want (restraint) and drives himself to violence and hate because if he doesn't then he'll sit down and think and realize that his dad died for nothing and theyve been fighting stupid battles for a cause that he doesn't really care about . rabid guard dog off the leash with no true goal he wants for and no true cause he believes in .

by the time the war ends and aegon remarries i imagine he leaves court because admittedly he would actually seethe a little bit seeing aegon married again . with helaena it was okay because i think he recognizes neither of them chose that and neither of them (from my perspective) really love the other in any romantic sense but when it's an active choice he gets really really upset . silently of course . <3 the gay yearning catches up with him and he faces the fact aegon is barely a person anymore and he has no place at court in turn . goes home to the north and with the greens sort-of-winning he's given winterfell and titles and they settle into some kind of peace for a little while. he marries a karstark girl because it's what his father had intended for him and they're about as unhappy as you can get in a relationship. maybe they have a son in time but more than likely not. i think while everything kind of holds up for a while there are a lot of issues here that don't seem to ever really get resolved properly - lots of unhappy lords and lots of bastard siblings who think they know better and lots of rumors and disagreements and a steady swirling pot of disaster boiling under the surface. i can imagine he goes off to fight off some rebellion after a good few years and ends up dead . maybe for the best .

i dont know if ysabel even really processes it . i think if she wasnt already so unresponsive she WOULD just step out a window

in another reality that im going to manifest in my mind space cayn stays in king's landing after the war and has someone else manage the north . sticks around and tries to ignore the fact that he's jealous and angry and feels no satisfaction or ease even when they've won and the war is over . sticks around and has a toxic evil homosexual relationship with the king that grows strained when he has a new wife and a kingdom to run properly this time and they settle into a horribly tense unbearable distance that's broken only when cayn steps up and poisons him or just chokes him out or something and proceeds to kill himself ala your first gay situationship where dying feels like a good alternative to having to process the fact that you cant really be together . hope you understand . either way the boltons (well . the ones that are relevant in this case there are always cousins and second cousins etc in asoiaf to pick up the slack) fizzle out and end up miserable or dead even after the promise of power and status is fulfilled . don't aim too high or you'll have that much further to fall if you will a whole lot of nonsense being put out here but i hope you enjoy whatever's cooking …. really really appreciate the interest and im glad to provide whatever u might be wondering about + more ramblings… would LOVE to see more freakish bolton ocs also . there is nothing like a horrible house that raises horrible people who reek of tragedy and terror and a doomed narrative and SO many chances to make something so fun please tell me more !

[torra-and-the-toons]

What's your opinion on the flanderization of the Eds during the later seasons? More specifically the school episodes.

I remember being so upset about it as a kid.

Double D and Ed are relatively reserved people with Eddy being pretty much the most extroverted of them. Especially in the start of the show. Ed is that weird kid that makes obscure references to TV shows and movies he's watched, he's so absorbed into science fiction comics and horror flicks he believes it's real. Double D is too weak for the other kid's games and too much of a know-it-all that'd it be a put off to most of the Cul-de-sac kids and Eddy was well.. small and a loud-mouth bossy but, he meant well. They all meant well.

He just wanted to fit in, they all did. (felt deep in my soul)

With Eddy, Ed and Double D had a sense of belonging, they had each-other and that's what mattered to them. They're social outcasts but they are outcasts that weren't alone. Them growing apart with the school episodes just made so hurt especially as I watched the re-runs while in Junior High/Middle School myself.

Am I going too deep into this? Probably. Thoughts?

Ooohhh I love talking about season 5/6!!

Opinions under the cut bc this will probably get long. (You're afraid you went too deep but I've already dug to china, my friend lmao)

My opinion of it used to be the same as you way back in the day. I remember seeing the first new episode and literally turning off the television because I was so irritated. Everything was so different, I could tell the animation was different, they were going to SCHOOL... something I hated thinking about when I was a 14-15 year old teenager myself. I used to watch this show to get away from reality, not relive the experience. I didn't like change as a kid. Change is scary, but I've come to discover as I got older that change is inevitable, and the sooner we embrace it, the happier we'll be.

However, my opinion of the later seasons as an adult has changed drastically.

I actually really love the later seasons now. The characters are so much more expressive and silly. Sure, some of the episodes are a little cringy, but don't we all have memories from our childhood that make us cringe? Looking back at my own childhood, school was just a part of the experience. It sucked in the moment, but I have so many fond memories of my friends and I going through school that I will never get to relive again.

The one thing I've always admired about this cartoon is how much it reminds me of my childhood. And part of the reason I still love it today is because I get to relive the experience of being young through the Eds over and over again. It's not about magic, or spies, or superheroes... it's just three kids being kids. It's so simple, but so powerful.

I'm sorry, but I have to hard disagree with you on them drifting apart in the school seasons though. They're growing up, showing their differences, but what mattered at the end of the day was that they were still friends. I had a couple of friends since the first grade, we all grew into different people, but despite EVERYTHING we are still best friends to this day. That's how I see the Eds. That's how I want the Eds to be if there ever exists a canon version with them as adults. No matter who they've become. No matter where they are. No matter how much time has passed, they'll always be friends.

So, to answer your question: Seasons 5/6 are one of my favorites, actually. They're different for sure, but school is just another part of being a kid. And friendships are definitely tested in school, especially for such different personalities such as Ed, Edd and Eddy. But the bond they share is even stronger at the end of the day. That's how I view it.

Idk, maybe I've spend way too much time reading in between all the lines.

I hope I was able to articulate my thoughts well enough <3 Sorry if it wasn't the answer you were looking for. But thanks for asking!

[fibing-and-vibing]

Fibromyalgia skin care, body edition:

So, my skin is really bad lol. I’ve had a rash on my legs for over ten years, and every doctor and dermatologist I’ve ever gone to was super gaslighty about it. It was originally caused when I got several mosquito bites at once; the next day I woke up with hives that looked like I’d been bitten all over my body. From then on, they would flare up any time I experienced physical or mental stress. Which was often, bc I was in uni at the time lol. And then about five years later I got attacked by a swarm of wasps and was covered with stings, and the rash never went away again. So obviously this screams autoimmune issue, but doctors told me I probably had bedbegs (made no sense bc I slept with a partner who was unaffected, and had moved three times, but I cleaned every piece of fabric I owned anyways and it didn’t help,) that it would probably just go away bc my labs were normal (sure, that’s why it lasted for a decade,) and my fav, that I must just be scratching myself bc I have anxiety (lol.)

Anyways, I’d sort of given up on figuring out what was going on, and I’d never seen a pic that looked quite like my rash, until I got my fibro diagnosis. The doctor told me that my kind of rash was not uncommon, and when I googled it I saw pics that looked exactly like me. It was so validating.

But double ANYWAYS, over the years I developed a lot of skincare strategies to help with the situation since doctors wouldn’t. I see a ton of incorrect info/bad advice online about skincare, and specifically rash care. So idk how to get the word out about any of this lol, but if you’re reading this, and you have a weird rash caused by fibromyalgia, this is what worked for me after years of trial and error!

I’m organizing my routine into stages depending on how bad your rash is flaring up at the time, but when you’re ready to move onto the products and tools of a new phase, keep doing everything you were already doing as maintenance.

When the rash is really bad:

Bioderma atoderm cleansing oil ($$): this is a very gentle cleanser that’s PH balanced, very non-irritating if you have sensitive skin, even if it’s flaring up. Won’t cause additional flare ups.

Scrubby bath puff ($): everything online will tell you not to exfoliate if you have a rash, but that’s terrible advice!! Exfoliation is the only way to remove dead, damaged skin cells and encourage circulation and new skin cell growth!! You just need to be careful and use common sense. Put the cleansing oil on a little puff and use that, your hands aren’t good enough alone. You don’t need to press hard, just go in gentle little circles from your ankles up, wrists in, always towards your heart.

Bioderma atoderm intensive baume ($$): this is the body cream that goes with the oil cleanser, make sure it’s the intensive baume and not just the regular cream. Fixing and maintaining your moisture barrier is key! Use this twice a day: morning and night, or make one of those after you get out of the shower if you showered that day.

Polysporin gel ($): or neosporin or whatever antibiotic gel is available in your area, gel is my personal preference, I feel like it absorbs better. Use this on any open sores so they don’t get infected and heal faster.

When the rash starts healing a bit:

Frank Body original coffee scrub ($): once you have fewer open sores, using this to exfoliate once or twice a week will speed up the healing process sooo much. If it hurts to use, you’re not ready for it yet. It should feel soothing. Don’t overdo it though even if it feels good, twice a week max.

Shaving ($): obviously you don’t need to shave if you don’t want to, but shaving your legs, dermablading your arms, etc is another great way to exfoliate a layer of dead skin cells. It also allows products like the intensive baume to penetrate more easily and deeper into your skin since there’s not a layer of hair in the way. Once every week or two is plenty, shave around open sores and don’t do it if it hurts. You can use the cleansing oil to shave with in the shower.

Retinol ($-$$$): I like the one from the inkey because it’s $ and effective. Mix this in with the baume once a week and it will significantly improve your skin texture. Pointless to do this though if your rash is still active bc you’ll just get more spots, but once you’re on a healing trend it’ll help the process a lot.

Body massager ($-$$): I have a plastic one from Sephora. This is the one thing on this list that might be mostly in my head, but it feels really nice so that counts for something in itself. It’s supposed to help with circulation and lymph drainage, and if you use it after your other products it helps them absorb into your skin. Relaxing to do before bed.

When you’re mostly healed/trying to maintain, and also lessen the appearance of scars:

Dry brush ($): omg I love dry brushing so much. If your skin is mostly healed, this will drastically reduce the appearance of scars. Don’t press hard! Do the same as with the cleansing oil: sweep up from your ankles, in from your wrists, always towards your heart, with a lil swirl at your joints and lymph nodes. Start with once a week, gradually go to twice, eventually you can do it once a day but not until you’ve worked your way up to it. If you do it too intensely or too often it can backfire; I’ve had it aggravate certain areas, including scar tissue. But if you’re gentle with yourself it feels great and really encourages circulation, lymph draining, and new skin cell growth. Best done on totally dry skin before you get in the shower. Game changer.

Faded Topicals brightening and clearing mist ($$): this is a great chemical exfoliant. Topicals is a great Black-owned brand that uses really good ingredients. I find that any product designed for melanated skin is the absolute best for dealing with any kind of hyperpigmentation, including scars. Use this once a week, after the shower, and let it dry before putting on the baume; it helps over time. Only downside is that the packaging kinda sucks and starts leaking eventually, so hopefully they fix that bc it works really well.

Obviously if you have a chronic illness like fibromyalgia, the causes of your skin issues are internal, so make sure you’re also getting the right nutrients and keeping up with your stretching/exercise routine as best you can. There’s only a limited amount you can do with external interventions, so don’t get frustrated, and don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong! You’re not wrong and you’re not crazy, you know your body. Remember that having a routine at all is good for your brain, which is good for your stress levels, which is also progress. You’re doing a good job by controlling the parts that you can control; that’s all you can do, and it’s more than enough :)