#i just took adhd stuff when i was a kid; and then in 3rd grade they took me off it because i was 'doing just fine in school!!'

[illandtired]

about me<3 (tw)

Hello, I’m 17 and I’m gonna try to take my life again on my 18th birthday.

(Sorry, this jumps around a lot.)

(And it’s long….)

Also heavy topics, literally almost every trigger warning in the book.

This blog is gonna literally be my diary. I’ve attempted to make me life multiple times in the past for multiple different reasons.

I’m seventeen and I currently live alone in my mother’s house, she lives with her boyfriend. I had my biological dad who left before I was born and two step fathers. The only one I “care” about is my most recent. He entered my life when I was 6 and since then I tried telling my mother about him but for some reason it took until I was 16 for her to divorce him. He abused me severely. When I told him I was suicidal the first time he said he was gonna go get his gun then proceeded to make me beg for my life. I was I believe 12 or 13, a lot of it’s a blur like most of my life.

I don’t want to go too much into my past and make this too long, I started smoking weed in 8th grade. By 9th I was doing lines of random shit I got from kids at school off the bathroom toilets. I have touched most stuff besides heroin. The one drug I promised my mother I would stay away from. Currently I am still hooked on opioids, SSRIs, and I smoke weed/thc carts every day.

I was 6 when I was diagnosed with adhd, severe anxiety and depression. I haven’t seen a doctor since. My mother swears she’s trying to get me in but she always complains about how much my meds cost. She knows my worries about my mental state and I swear it’s impossible to get the help I need.

I’ve always been a paranoid person but it’s getting worse by the day. I’m genuinely too scared to take the trash out because I feel 800 eyes on me. I feel like there’s invisible people constantly around me judging my every move. I don’t feel real some times, and not that life is a simulation shit, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m in my body.

I started self harming in 3rd grade. It started as me being a wrist and head banger but by 5th grade I had started using thumb tacks and scratching myself. I went to my step father and he told me they weren’t Deep enough and I was just looking for attention. By 6th grade I was actually cutting, but only to where I barely saw the blood. By 8th it got to the point where I needed to see the blood run. But I’ve managed to get back to only getting it to bead up, occasionally running. I was clean for quite a few months but the smallest, SMALEST thing can set me back so much.

I’ve struggled my entire life with starving myself, binge eating, then starving myself. I’ve been an unhealthy weight a lot of my life. I’m around 240lbs now, my eating disorder is mainly starving now. My “Binges” are now small.

I have never been able to make a phone call to someone besides friends. Even family calls are hard a lot. I can barely order food at a restaurant, fancy or McDonald’s.

I’ve made money in my life from stealing, I’ve been a kleptomaniac for as long as I can remember. But I also made money doing bakery stuff for my mother, doing mechanical stuff, and babysitting. My only “legal” job was working at McDonald’s. I got fired a year after starting because we had a new manager who fired me over homophobic reasons. I hated going to work. I loved the work itself, but I hated having to be around anyone.

I’ve always been called lazy. And I feel like it’s true, I can barely find the motivation to get up to take a piss most days. I had such a hard time with organization and cleanliness as a kid so I always had a messy room, unless it was right after one of the days I got my stuff thrown away.

I never payed attention in school yet I somehow got straight As until i genuinely didn’t care anymore. I dropped out 10th grade on my 16th birthday. School was so much worse for my mental health. I was self harming almost every day, lying to myself about who I am to fit in.

I actually love learning, I wanted to get into nursing school but I know I’ll never get clean enough. I even study biology, trig, physics, crime scene investigation, all sorts of stuff. I have notebooks and notebooks that I’ve filled with information I’ll never use.

I was 10 when I got my first boyfriend. He was 18, a relationship on discord. It lasted a couple years at least. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and I don’t wanna go into more detail in this post. But due to my sexual trauma i became very hyper sexual very young. I still am to this day, I sell pictures to creepy men online because I know I won’t be able to get any other job. But at the same time it’s basically been implemented in my brain I’m good for sex and nothing more. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself after every sexual experience in my life from sex to just sending nudes.

I grew up a chubby girl with big tits. It was 6th grade i started having boys desperate to touch them. I had Ds by then. I’m a F-G now (depends on the bra). My own step father and his sons who were much older than me started sexualizing me when I was about 13. One of my step brother was creepy since he entered my life.

I’ve had so many important parts of my life taken from me. My Virginity with a man was raped away when I was 14 on Christmas. My self worth was barely existent but it was gone completely by 9th grade. My first “good boyfriend” was when I was 15, he was 18. He filmed us one night after I asked him not to multiple times, but the next day a video of me having my brains fucked out was all over my school. It was a smaller school, but even some of the female teachers sided with him because he was the “king” of the school. I missed my middle school graduation which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but I knew I was going to drop out and never have a high school graduation. I was even selected to write a speech and go up and speak at the podium but due to anxiety from both situations I missed the whole thing entirely because I tried to kill myself that night.

Most of my attempts have been overdose attempts, and that’s for a reason. I couldn’t imagine my mother finding me and my brains splattered on the wall. But out of everything, no it’s not my mother that’s kept me alive. It’s been my best friend. I live in the states and he lives in Scotland. We’ve been friends for years, we met through my ex and were completely like the opposite of each other but we care about each other. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to meet him. We were going to meet when I turn eighteen because he’ll be turning 21 and can legally drink here, I can legally drink there.

I care about nothing more than him and it pains me that I know he will be disappointed when he realizes I gave up. I don’t plan on telling him anything.. we have a thing where if he’s gone for a month he’s on a mental health break, but two months he’s dead and I have his permission to kill myself. I’m going to tell him he has to wait a year for me because I might be in the mental hospital.

Back to simple things I can’t do, I would rather claw my own eyes out than be alone with a man in a room. But my best friend is the one exception. I haven’t gone on a date since new years. As soon as we got to his house, it wasn’t even 5 minutes before he had a gun pressed in my side.

Yet at the same time I feel like my only purpose is to make men happy in any way I can. Even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it. Because that’s all I’ve ever been good at and praised for.

There was about a week in my life and it was somewhat recent. I told myself I wasn’t going to attempt again because no matter what life won’t suck that bad. Being homeless was the happiest time of my life, sure I can be on the street and cold, no money, but I no longer have responsibilities and I get to walk which I love doing. I used to sneak out at night and go on long ass walks normally from 10pm to 3-5am.

More things about substances, once again I’m sorry for jumping around. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade, provided by my step father and girlfriend. I started drinking in 8th grade but now it takes half a bottle of tequila for me to be at a happy level of drunk. Or 4 bottles of cheap wine, or an entire bottle of rum. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling on and on so I’m gonna try to wrap this up.

What’s the main reason I want to kill myself? Because I know I will never be able to live a normal life. But my one goal as a kid was to make it to 18.

[thatonecalledclover]

Okay i think we as a society needs to understand how much teachers influence kids. Like both good and bad. I had a diverse array of teachers back to back through primary and elementary school and the way that they each affected me is insane. For reference i have adhd and had a pretty bad home life so i was very different from the rest of my classmates.

Kindergarten my teacher was Mrs. Miller. Mrs Miller was an absolute sweetheart, she would find ways to keep me focused on lessons, one common way is she would give me a page to color, but would make sure to keep me engaged in the lessons so she knew i was still learning. This made me realize really young that i learn a lot better if i’m doing something with my hands. During nap time (which was mandatory for kindergarten) instead of forcing me to sleep she would grab a book for me and let me sit beside her desk while she graded stuff. I’d also get to draw on the smart board at times, or put together puzzles. (for reference i learned to read at 3 years old, so i was one of the only kids in my class who could read).

1st Grade- I had Mrs. Moss. Mrs Moss was one of the worst teachers i’ve ever had in my opinion. She would repeatedly get onto me for not looking at the board or her at all times, when in reality i was listening and absorbing material fine, just looking for things to keep my brain entertained. Coloring wasn’t allowed, and so i got in trouble routinely for just trying to focus. I turned to tapping my legs, tapping my fingers, wiggling in my chair, just to help me focus. I’d also whisper to my tablemates since they happened to be my friends, and because i would get bored of the lessons. I learned extremely quickly, especially compared to my peers, and would often get really bored since it was essentially just review for me. Eventually Mrs Moss decided i was “too much of a distraction to the other kids” and called my parents in for a meeting. It was recommended that i get diagnosed for ADHD. After my diagnosis i was immediately put on medication (despite my dads protests) and that was that. One thing i will say about medication is that the side affects (at least for me, everyone reacts differently) are awful. I completely lost my personality, i hardly talked to anyone, and i was essentially a zombie.

2nd Grade- I had Mrs Kinney. Mrs Kinney was an angel of teachers. She was made aware of my diagnoses and worked with it amazingly. During lessons i was allowed to walk to the back on the classroom to the library and read, i was given blocks and magnets to stim with. I excelled in the class and finished with 100s all across the board. I think i took like 70 AR tests (tests that kids had to take after they finished a book, i think the required amount for each kid was 10-15). Mrs Kinney really worked with me and made sure that i was always doing my best in the class, while finding ways to keep me busy. I was also experiencing bullying at the time, and so she would allow me to stay inside during recess some days and help pick up the classroom or read.

3rd Grade- Mrs Holland was one of the worst teachers I had. 3rd grade was when elementary school started for my school system, and they had a class called “GATE” (gifted and talented education). My Gate class was at the very beginning of the day, and so right after morning announcements I had to leave the class to go. Mrs Holland HATED this, and would find every excuse she could to keep me and the other gifted kids in the room longer. At this time i was being ab**ed at home by my mom and stepfather, and despite the obvious signs never reported anything. She would repeatedly embarrass me in front of the class and would send bad notes home almost every. day. 9/10 it was because I would hide a book under my desk and read during lessons, because i already understood the material and would get bored. This made my mom and stepdad angry and my home life worsened. I was also developing an ED at the time because of my meds. My dad was extremely against me being on medication, so on the weeks I was with him he never forced me to take it, he allowed me to but almost every day i’d choose not to because it made me feel awful. It would zap my appetite, give me extreme nausea, and made me feel like a zombie all the time. I’d over eat when i was with him since i was actually hungry and would very quickly gain weight. At my moms, she Would force me to take it, so i never ate breakfast, didn’t eat lunch, and barely ate dinner. I’d lose weight super fast, and would even become depressed later on.

Eventually i’d get off my meds with my dad demanding so, after seeing how awful they were affecting me. Later my (narcissistic) stepdad would abandon Me, My mom, and their two kids, and I would go to live with my dad full time. It came out that my mom was so adamant about my medication because she was secretly taking it (it wasn’t adderall but it was a amphetamine). My ED would slowly start to go away, though i’d experience relapses in the future during my early teenage years. My depression and anxeity became chronic, and i’d develop BPD and CPTSD from both my physical and emotional ab**e/trauma, from both home and school.

I’m not sure exactly what point i’m trying to get across here but. Just make sure that you understand just how much teachers affect your kids, they do spend more time with them throughout the day then at home after all. Also, though medication for ADHD will help some people, it isn’t right for everyone. No one experiences the exact same reactions and side affects, and there ARE other treatment options. Some people can find ways to function in society without needing medication, others don’t. Everyone is different and it’s important to be aware of the affects. I guess this concludes my rant/dump for the day

[sleeplessvalley]

god I'm letting someone else front after I'm done typing this, I just need to express it or I'm going to pop like a balloon

like fucking

I have early memories scattered everywhere

in 1st grade where a kid insulted my shirt (and I still hold the grudge for some reason)

the time when we were making a little neighborhood with milk cartons on the floor in 1st grade and I knocked a little toy car into it; nothing even happened to the carton houses but I got yelled at for it. other people had knocked things off their tables into it and were only told gently to go in and pick it up

the many, many, MANY times my writing stuff would go missing from my desk, from 1st grade to 5th, and if it happened to anyone else it was always to the other 'weird' kids

1st grade, we were doing the 'who took the cookies from the cookie jar' with the whole class and the teacher just skipped over me

1st grade, a couple of kids would run away from me whenever I tried to play with them. naturally I chased them because I wanted to talk to them and shit, but they wouldn't even give me the chance to talk and I do remember them both calling me names

how MY ENTIRE CLASS aside from one girl (who moved to oregon before the next schoolyear started) in 2nd grade thought I was weird and I knew, just knew, that people were avoiding me the whole year. when she moved I also had only one friend until 4th grade.

3rd grade. in its entirety. was awful. my teacher then was strict but she hated me in particular, made me feel awful for not knowing how to read a clock of all things because nobody told me how, and having difficulty with a research project on leaves (such a long story), various classmates humiliated me and my wax museum project, the nurse would get upset with me for not taking my asthma medication. there's so much stuff that happened in this year alone and I don't remember all of it, but I remember a lot of tears both at school and at home because my mom would get angry with me.

I also remember in 2nd and 3rd grade I was put into some little program during school that I thought everyone went to and only just recently realized it was for problem kids, what with all the board and card games on being a good kid and being nice to others and stuff. this continued until 5th grade, and then in 6th until I graduated highschool I was switched over to the school therapists

a girl in 4th grade telling me she was a better girlfriend than I was in regards to a kid we were both friends with. I wasn't interested in him and told her we were just friends, she insisted I was and this quite literally led to her and her friend group bullying me from 4th grade through to 11th (it would've been until my last day of highschool but covid hit us in march of 11th grade, which is. something I shouldn't have to be thankful towards a virus for)

one boy in my 4th grade class just yelling at me that I was weird and that I should leave him and others alone

as mentioned prior, from partway through 2nd grade until 4th grade, I had one friend. a group of girls invited me to sit with them for lunch one day near the start of the year and I thought finally, this is it, these are going to be my friends, they seem to like me. this is a surprise tool that will help us later.

various other things in this year that I also don't remember. sums up to more tears at school and at home.

by fucking 5th grade. 5th grade. I was saying that I wanted to kill myself and seeing an OUTSIDE therapist for that

5th grade is also the year when everything started going downhill. near daily I'd get yelled at by my teacher, or my mom, or the afterschool people, for forgetting something in my classroom. usually a piece of homework. only here did my mom really start noticing all the problems I was having, and she thought it was a goddamn developmental thing that could be fixed? so she took me to a neurologist and that's how I got my ADHD diagnosis. I remember none of it but she tells me the story. of how she went with me, the doctors said that, and her response. which is and I shit you not "how can that be, my kid has been fine and suddenly it's a complete 180 compared to before". never got support for that. still haven't, probably never going to.

I'm not even getting into everything that came after in detail. all that's important is that in the middle of 2016 I was put on an anxiety medication, it completely fucked me over and made me depressed, shortly after 8th grade started I lost everyone who even tolerated me at the time, and I wanted to commit suicide so badly that it resulted in the only time I've ever tried to harm myself. got suspended from school and sent to a mental hospital, then was playing catch-up for a month.

all that.

all that, and I sit here going 'I don't have very bad trauma. there was one incident in 2016, but nothing more than that' while continually thinking all my abnormal responses to things now are normal.

and I sit here having gone 'but how could I have OSDD. how could I have ASPD. it doesn't make sense, I've had a pretty normal time' in the past.

[shiningstages]

Okay, I’ve got queued up stuff ( that I mixed up a little bit oooh will the next thing be a reply or a prompt who knows~? ) that should last through the weekend. Might will myself to do a bit more, but I’m also honestly proud of how much I have written so maybe now I’m on weekend break!! Next week I’ll be working on final projects for school and internship, but I’ll try to pop in here and on Diantha when I have the energy for it~

[prorevenge]

[Long] How we destroyed our teacher and principal:

Apologies in advance if some details are blurry as this happened almost 14 years ago. Also, this is going to be a long one, so bare with me, I swear the result is worth it, at least it is to me.

The beginning: It all started when I (M25) was 12 years old. My grade 7 teacher (M46 at the time) was infamous for being intimidating and, in my opinion, abusive to his students. He was the disciplinarian of the school. He was in charge of keeping track of detentions and announcing who will be sitting every Friday during assembly.

We suspected at that time that the reason why he never got fired was either because his students were too scared to report him, or because of the fact that the principal was his brother-in-law.

Reasons why I hated him: He was constantly making vaguely racist remarks, complaining about the "New South Africa" and constantly bringing up how his life was better during the Apartheid regime (He's a white guy who was raised on a farm).

I always felt like he had an issue with me as a person because I'm a practising Muslim. He would make the class laugh at how "funny" Muslim women looked with their heads "wrapped up". His jokes about Muslims missing out on eating bacon were endless, in fact, he one day purposely stood in front of my desk eating a cheese and bacon panini.

He used to often rant about how the school is no longer a "pure Christian institution as it once was back in the day". He would say these things and glance at either me, my twin sister, or the black students in the class who practiced their own African religions.

When it was his birthday, my mom encouraged me to buy him a gift. I spent of my pocket money, which was already limited (my parents didn't believe in allowances) to buy him a big slab of chocolate and a long piece of Droëwors (dried sausage). Throughout the day, he would get gifts from students in his class and others.

He would get up from his desk to greet and thank them, and then shake their hand. I remember noticing this because I always found it weird when students shook hands with teachers because of how small our hands were compared to theirs.

However, when I gave him my gift, all he did was look at me for like a second, look away and nod his head slightly. I remember being thankful for not offering my hand out for him to shake because I thought he might have ignored it in front of the entire class. To say I felt like shit is an understatement.

The experience that made me hate him the most happened just before we wrote 2nd or 3rd term exams. I was walking with my friend David (fake name) back from the tuck shop during interval. We took a shortcut between the English and Afrikaans kindergarten classes and saw a group of boys huddled together.

One of them walked towards us and I saw that he had one of those camping multi-tools with the folding knife out, and instantly got a fright. He told us "Give me your stuff before I cut your neck" and then started laughing and walked back to his friends. It was clearly a joke but David looked close to tears and I had a very bad fright because of what he done. I told the guy (Fake name Xander) that he's not allowed to have knives at school and that I'm going to tell my teacher.

We walked straight to our teacher and when we spoke to him, David burst into tears.

We told him what happened and David was sobbing when he said he felt like he was going to die. Our teacher barely looked up from his computer while we were speaking and when he asked for the guy's name. We told him the name and he said he will deal with it and for us to go out for interval again.

I went home and told my mom who I felt didn't fully believe me at the time.

The next day we saw Xander were basically making fun of him for getting into trouble with our teacher and likely getting expelled at worst, or sitting a Saturday detention at best. He laughed back at us and said our teacher just came to his class, asked to speak to him and told him to never bring it to school again. No detention. No suspension. Basically nothing. He still had the knife on him for the rest of the day before.

We were so upset we went back to our teacher and I told him that Xander said that he didn't get into trouble for having the knife. He gave me the ugliest look as if I was bothering him, and coldly said to me that maybe I should fix my late-coming problem before I try to get other people in trouble.

I would come late 4 or 5 times a month because my mom's car's battery terminals were broken so the battery would run flat and she couldn't afford to have it fixed. She had to put the neighbour's battery in her car, start it, and then idle it while she took that battery out and put her own battery back in to charge up. My mom taught me the value of always having a number 10 spanner in your car lol.

I felt betrayed by my teacher. The person who was supposed to make us feel safe while we were away from home.

When I spoke to my friends about it, they told me that Xander was actually the principal's son, meaning he was my teacher's nephew. I decided to take the opportunity to speak to my friends about getting evidence that our teacher is treating students unfairly.

3 of my 4 close friends had camera phones. I sat in the far left corner, my one friend sat in the opposite corner by the door, our other friend sat in the middle, and the last friend was right at the back of the class by the window on the left. One thing about our teacher: he did not give a fuck about where we sat as long as we answered him when he done roll call and didn't bother anyone when we swapped seats.

We came to an agreement that whenever our teacher would sound like we was going to say something vaguely racist or islamophobic, we would all discreetly take videos of him.

Any private conversation we had with him was voice recorded on our phones. We caught him on camera telling a really racist joke about black people, and saying that Hindus must have a lot of problems since they have so many Gods. We caught him saying a lot of bad things, but a lot slipped through our fingers because we weren't fast enough.

It was extremely difficult to keep our friend group motivated to record him and not tell anyone else about it. It was especially difficult because at the time I had a hand-me-down Samsung D900 which was seen as an expensive phone at the time.

My mom prohibited me from taking it to school. She instead bought a cheap R79 ($5) phone for us that could only make calls and send SMS's. This was in case she needed to reach us in an emergency. I got caught several times sneaking my camera phone to school. My biggest mess up at school was when my mom phoned me on my Samsung and I answered it. Big oof but I was a dumbass.

After I think a month we decided that we couldn’t let it go any further.. One of our friends was a black guy named Tatenda (fake name). Tatenda was a problem child. His mom died when he was four and his dad was an alcoholic. He was raised mostly by his uncle who up until today I think was a pimp. He used to act out at school because of undiagnosed ADHD, his dad and uncle didn't believe in learning disabilities and always assumed he was just lazy and badly behaved.

Tatenda especially got onto our teachers nerves because not only was he black, but because he would bring broken calculators from home and take them apart during class. One day our teacher told him to clear his desk and throw away the bits of plastic and calculator shit. He ignored the teacher. The teacher then started screaming at him, and Tatenda done the only logical thing an 12/13 year old would do in such a situation: he mockingly put two pencils into his ears.

Our teacher lost his shit, grabbed Tatenda and threw him against the door. The narrow window pane cracked and Tatenda's head was bleeding. He told us he was fine during interval afterwards and we put money together to buy him a Sprite. I almost cried when my friend who sat way behind me said he got the whole thing on camera. We didn't even trust that the whole class' testimony would get him into trouble. We decided that enough was enough.

The revenge: First we showed the video to Tatenda's uncle, who showed it to his father. Then I showed my mom all the other videos and recordings.

She. Lost. Her. Mind.

One of my friends sent all of it to his older sister who had a Facebook account and she posted it there and tagged the school and as many parents as she knew. It blew up. Parents and people from around the province phoned the school demanding answers as to what is going to happen to our teacher. He was immediately suspended.

There were rumours circulating that he had to go into hiding because Tatenda's uncle and his friends were looking to kill him. I even met Tatenda's dad for the first time in the weeks after the whole thing exploded. He liked to joke that his dad sobered up especially for this lol.

The principal pulled Xander out of the school. We never saw him again. My mom told me an investigation was launched against the school because of the improper handling of bullying complaints. If I remember correctly, 3 English kids in my class alone spoke out against teachers dismissing their complaints of bullying by the Afrikaans kids. We were a mostly white, Afrikaans speaking school with 3 Afrikaans classes but only 1 English class per grade.

They called us"souties" which was short for "soutpiel" which literally tranlates as "salty dick". It's a derogatory term for English speaking, white South Africans. It means your one leg in is South Africa, your other leg is in England, so your dick is hanging in the ocean.

We only saw our teacher once after he was suspended. He looked badly beaten up, and was accompanied by a policeman and two other male teachers so he could gather the rest of his stuff from his class.

But it didn't end there.

Because so many kids needed the evidence that they were being bullied and nothing was done because of it, the CCTV footage was brought up. My friend's mother who was part of the school governing body that time, told us a few years ago that when they reviewed the footage, it became apparent that the principal was having an affair with one of the grade 2 teachers.

He could be seen grabbing her ass at the furthest point away from the camera. They slipped up a few times and kissed in clear view of the camera, but I guess once you're surrounded by the cameras everyday at work, you forget that they're there. It was very apparent that sometimes they thought they couldn't be seen.

My mom's friend's sister (basically my aunt) sells Tupperware and one of her regular customers and close friend's is the principal's ex wife. Not only did she leave him, but they were not married in community of property due to a prenup agreement. The house they lived in was in her name since before marriage, so she effectively made him homeless because none of his family wanted to take him in.

He ran into severe debt from staying in guesthouses and burned many bridges from overstaying his welcome at friends. As for my teacher, his reputation was destination fucked. He served jail time, don't know how long, and eventually left the country because it seemed everyone knew his face from the media attention he received.

The reason why I made this post: I was never going to tell this story on Reddit as I've told it over and over through the years since primary school. But I felt I had to because of what I experienced at the beginning of this year.

My family is part of a non profit organisation that has feeding schemes all over the country. The last Friday feed of February I'm standing security as I usually do since we're few volunteers and there's many homeless people and most are on drugs and can get violent.

I'm walking down the line to make sure there are no fights or anything that could start a riot, and I see a familiar face. My old principal is standing in the line, waiting for a bowl of stew and bread, with absolutely no idea who's standing beside him. Obviously he wouldn't have recognised me, but I never forgot his face. I'm not gonna lie, I cried quite a bit behind my sunglasses. Seeing him brought back the feelings I had when I was 12 years old in 7th grade, trying absolutely every excuse in the book to not have to go to school and be bullied by my teacher.

So yeah, for those of you who are still reading, this is the end of how my friends and I destroyed the lives of my teacher and principal.

If you got this far and are feeling depressed, worthless, or less than your peers, I love you. I appreciate you, and you, are seriously fucking awesome. Bye Bye..

(source) story by (/u/Mobi_Wan_Kenobi786)

[nikoalaa]

usually this is something i’d post on a side blog with no tags or followers (just to get out of my head), but i think this time i want the possibility of someone helping. idk how long this will be but i’ll put it under a read more when i’m on my computer.

i’ve been struggling more lately. idk if it’s just the pandemic and quarantine and everything getting to me, but this has all been happening before too, just maybe not as often. i’m more anxious, i’m more depressed, i want to shut myself away from friends and not leave my house much unless it’s a quick trip somewhere by myself. i’m so tired all the time. i’m just so, so exhausted. and since i’m home a lot with nothing to do, i’ll sleep. my schedule is so messed up. i sleep basically 5am-2pm and then sometimes still take a nap. like today i slept 5 or 6 am- 2, woke up and had something small to eat, sat at my computer and then slept again 6:30pm-9pm. i jokingly call this my ���unemployed schedule” with my parents, but i think they just think i’m lazy.

and speaking of them, i think a lot of my problems i have with myself would be nonexistent if i just had good parents. my crooked teeth wouldn’t be an issue if my dad didn’t hate doctors and was scared of the dentist, therefore never making appointments for me or my brother, resulting in us both not having good teeth. my weight and unhealthy relationship to food wouldn’t be an issue if my mom would have just made me eat a god damn vegetable when i was a kid instead of just giving me chicken nuggets so i would stop whining. and when i was chubbier then other kids, instead of herself trying to fix my diet by actually cooking healthy food and making me eat it, she made me see a doctor and go to group sessions of other kids in similar situations (that i was very uncomfortable going to, to the point of me crying, but she forced me to go anyway). which none of that helped anyway, it just made me self conscious about eating so i now hate food and when i do eat in public, i feel gross and that people are staring at me. and now my body has tricked itself that if i’m out in public, i can only eat very little or else i get sick and throw up. and my mental illness could be in check if my parents just put in any effort. they’ve been aware of my depression since i was in 3rd grade (which my mom would phrase as “you don’t seem as happy anymore”) and i recall having anxiety since kindergarten. i get that we didn’t have a lot of money when i was growing up, so maybe they just made me see the guidance counselor every friday for two school years. which is fine, that’s what they could do and it was at least something idk. but after that it’s like they stopped caring. i went on to public school after that and i hated it. i constantly would go to the nurses office in 5th grade and pretend being sick so my mom could pick me up or some how get me home. that should have been a red flag. or whenever my dad asked me how my day was and i never said “good”, another red flag. i was so depressed for the rest of my time in public school, and they didn’t do anything. sure i would join clubs or play sports to try to make myself happy and have fun, but it wasn’t ever enough. high school was even worse. i was angry all the time. just that angry emo kid sat in the back of the class. and eventually i lost almost all my friends. i started cutting, but i kept it hidden until i got changed after gym class one day. someone i was kinda friends with spotted the cuts on my upper arm. they gave me a knowing look and asked what happened. i said my dog scratched me. but it was way too many cuts and too dark to be dog scratches. but they didn’t ask again and i was grateful because i didn’t want help at the time. rest of school went on, the cutting stopped (or at least stopped being as frequent. relapses now and again), had panic attacks before and during school (that i always seemed like a burden for having when my mom had to deal with it), then i had a manipulative friend/ex gf i’m not even going to get into rn. long section short, my parents knew i was struggling. they would mention it off handedly. “you didn’t seem as happy” “we saw their was something going on” stuff like that. but they did nothing to help me. never asked questions, never talked to me, never asked if i needed help or someone else to talk to.

after highschool the panic attacks weren’t as frequent, but the depression was there. and they knew it. because even now and then i would bring it up, especially when i was having a breakdown. i would tell them i need help, i need a therapist and i need medication. she said (because it was always my mom i would go to) that she would see what she could do. then nothing happened. another time, full break down, and i fully told her i am suffering and i need help. she made me feel like such a burden and an inconvenience. she said she had no idea how to get me a therapist. no idea where to start. so i told her, mainly yelled, to ask this one lady we know (someone who had actually done more for my mental health than my own mother) for advice because i know her two kids go to therapy and stuff. she said she would try but she never did. few weeks ago, i have the biggest panic attack i’ve had in a while. full hyperventilating, almost going to throw up, all because there was a bug in my room trapped under a bowl. that is not healthy. i’m sobbing and gasping for air as my dad is trying to get the fast bug off the floor but not lose it, and once it’s gone i’m in bed sobbing and heaving and my whole body is twitching uncontrollably. she thinks she’s hot shit because she did that “5 things you can touch” bull shit once i was starting to calm. nothing again after that. what they did, they bought a hand vacuum so i could catch bugs myself. i guess so i won’t have to bother them at 4 in the morning and again freaking the fuck out. all in all, if they got me therapy as a teen and i had meds, i probably would be much much much better off. i won’t even go into the trans stuff rn. i think they think it went away because they ignored it and i don’t talk about it with them. even tho in the rest of the world away from family, i go by my chosen name and my friend calls me “he”. but it’s been almost 4 years, if not already 5 years, since i came out to them. they said they looked up therapy and stuff but again, nothing ever happened. i joke with my parents and say they’re lucky i don’t steal my dogs prozac and they laugh. i know it’s exactly the one used for people because it’s the same exact one my ex took. these days i’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there. i tell my mom i think i have adhd or something because i’ve read symptoms and it would make sense. and i also don’t remember a time where my head wouldn’t just be quiet. even now. it never is. but she says i was tested and they didn’t say i had adhd. when i was 7... and it’s misdiagnosed in afab people... and especially since i was anxious as a child.. and nervous around the lady who tested me. when. i. was. 7. shit develops later in life. but she won’t believe me because she says she’s trained to see the signs for her work. but then she’ll bring up how my uncle, grandma, and dad, are like the poster kids for adhd. and she just won’t believe me.

i’m really struggling with just everything. and i feel guilty that i’m even struggling and “feeling bad”. i’m a white kid from the philly suburbs. everything could be much much worse for me. but then again, i know thinking like this isn’t good for me. just because it could be worse, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a hell of a lot better too. i just want to be okay. i want to be healthy and happy. i’ve never really gotten to experience it all. my happiness seems fake and it fades away. my idea of health is “going to the gym and the right amount of anorexia.” i know that’s not healthy but that’s just the only way i know. my mom doesn’t seem to care anyway. i tell her that when i am working or i was in school, i would only have like one meal a day. she didn’t say a thing. i just want to be happy. i don’t want to die. i really don’t. i hate being alive but like, i’m already here. i’m not going to take myself out. but it’s just so hard to exist a lot of the time. idk how i’ve done it this long. and i can tell it’s gonna get bad again because i tried to cut myself a few nights ago. the knife wasn’t sharp enough to really make a mark but i had no energy to keep trying. i really need help but idk what to do anymore.

[sallyface-incorrect]

The Struggles of Having ADHD

- Only Being able to sleep either 2 hours or 16, there’s no in between. I am legit typing this at 3:02 am because I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept that much and it sucks. Summer is for sleeping, not for stress.

- Not being able to remember basic information about someone like their name, but being able to remember that they once told you that their great great aunt had a mole on her foot the shape of Texas. True story btw, sorry Amber.

- Feeling like your being rejected if your friend can’t make it to hang out with you because of family reasons. RSD is a bitch. Like the tiniest thing can make you feel rejected. Ie, your mom telling you not to be so loud, someone asking why your sneezes are so loud, someone asking you to return their pen, etc.

- Having your medication ware off/forgetting to take it and being the most annoying bitch in the galaxy. I once went on a school trip and my meds wore off and I ended up spending the 2 hour bus ride back annoying the guy who was trying to sleep in front of me, again, I am so sorry Max.

- IDK if it’s just me but, chewing on literally everything. Bottle caps, paper, fabric, rubber (my favorite), and much more. I used to get punished all the time for chewing on things I wasn’t supposed to. Nail biting is also a big thing. And so is hair chewing.

- Being told “You’re too smart to have ADHD”. Well Susan, I have a neurological devolpmental disorder, I’m not retarded.

- Either giving too much information or not enough when in conversation, and also bringing up really irrelevant things in the conversation like, I know we’re talking about the Louisiana Perchance but can I tell you about this one time it rained and I saw a snail?

- Being botherd by loud and/or repetitive noises. Pen clicking and high pitched sirens make me want to scream. They suckkk harder then Travis wants to suck Sal’s dick. And the worse is when people think you’re weird or that you have a problem with them for asking. I understand you like to click your pen and I’m so sorry it’s just so loud...

- Being afraid of your friends rejecting you. Again, RSD is a bitch. Like you’re afraid that one day your bestie will get up and leave and never come back and it’s all your fault and you suck and ughhhhhh. You’re also afraid their s/o / parents hate you and one day they’ll convince them to just leave you.

- Medication is a godsend but it’s also problematic. The stuff that I take fucks up my sleep schedule, my appetite, and make me tired and nauseous. It also gives me headaches and belly aches :(

- Either being so hungry that you also eat everything in your fridge or being so not hungry that even the concept of food disgust you. And sometimes, you even throw up because food is so gross and you’re gross and all that gross is inside you and eww.

- Intense, powerful migraines. They get worse in the winter months. Last year I took almost a week off of school because my migraines got worse and worse and worse and I couldn’t do it.

- Having no measurement of personal space or how to physically interact with someone. I just said hi, do I hug you, do I high five you, idk? Like idk how many potential friendships I’ve fucked up because I was too handsey.

- Being really particular about the type of clothing I wear. I love LOVE long sleeve shirts/ sweatshirts/ sweaters/ hoodies and shorts. I also love to wear socks around the house. I hate HATE wearing socks with shoes though, it makes me anxious. I also hate wearing certain types of pants. I literally only have 2 - 3 pairs of pants I’ll wear because pants sometimes feel like a tent and I hate that.

- Not being able to loose weight. I’m not fat, or chubby, I mean I have abs for God’s sake! It’s just that I have thick ass thigh I h a t e and I wish I could just get rid of them but my medication prevents me from loosing all that weight. On the bright side, I can eat a lot and not gain weight either.

- Having certain little routines you can’t skip. For example, every morning I must shave my legs and brush my hair or the world will end. I also must have all the doors and windows closed or else I’m gonna scream.

- Also idk if this is a problem for anyone else but doors and windows being open. I can’t stand it, I mean please, I don’t care that you’re just coming up for 1 thing but p l e a s e for the love of g o d, close the door that leads to upstairs. Having it open just isn’t right.

- Hyperfixiating on something for soo long that you forget to do basic hygiene like shower, use the bathroom, brush your hair, brush your teeth. It can get you in really big trouble but at least the job is done.

- Having a comfort item. Like I have this stuffed lamb whose name is “Lambchop” but I call “Lambie” and I sleep with them each and every night and carry them around the house with me when I’m home and if I’m upset I NEED to cuddle them bacuse it’s the only thing that will make the world go away.

- Being insanely good at certain academics and shitty at others. For example, when I was in 5th grade I was reading at an undergrad level and had the ability to understand science concepts a senior would be learning but my math was at the level of a second graders.

- Idk how to describe it but like, doing movements half way and the forgetting about them. Like this one time I was at a piano recital and I went to reach for something and forgot what I was reaching for so I just kinda held my hand up in a grabbing motion for half a song and then forgot about it until my mom reminded me to put it down.

- Not being able to understand that people don’t want to hear about your hyperfixiation. I’ve had 2 cases of this in my life, my “ghosts are definitely really and now this is my only personality triat” and my “I’m not a weeb but Tokyo Ghoul is so good now let me tell you all about the plot.” (Tokyo Ghoul gang REPRESENT)

- Having 3 different moods, hyperactive, normal, and cold. Like you’re normal most of the time but sometimes you’re sooo hyper that your an entirely different person, or sometimes you’re sooo distant you’re a different person too.

- Not being able to identify your emotions very well. Like, this guy just told me that my dad and my bestie are asshole who deserve to die in a fire, what am I feeling? Am I sad? Angry? Scared? Do I think this is funny? Am I gonna laugh? Cry? Idk, throw hands? Or the dreaded crush. Do I have feelings for this person or do I just want to be really good friends? Do I hate them? Love them? Am I gonna cry the next time I see them? Last time we hung out was fun but idk???

- Also like I mentioned, romance/sexuality is hard. Last time I dated I dated this guy I really liked, or at least I thought I did. We dated for three months before I blew it off because he asked to put his arm around me and it was weird when I said yes. Also sexuality. Idk if this is a problem for anyone else or just my bisexual ass. Like it’s so hard and I really like guys but hey, girls are hot. And like I like guys more than girls?? Sometime it makes me feel really fake.

- Really enhanced weird hearing. I know at least 80% of my classes drama because I have superhearing and I’m a literal hearing god bow down, bitch. I can hear the smallest of sounds and such, but for some goddamn reason I can’t understand how loud I’m being.

- Extestensial nihilism and just being cool about it. Like, dude, idk if there’s a god out there? I’d like to think there’s some sort of Devine power and we have a purpose but idk, we probably don’t have a purpose. I mean, we’ll be forgotten after we die anyway unless we’re Tom Holland. And love probably doesn’t exist either and it’s only stigmatized by movies and books and media and we’re all gonna get married and be miserable for ever and such. But like does it really even matter? In the end we’re all alone so go off I guess.

- Being really sensitive to smell. Certain smells drive me through the roof. For example, I have an extreme fish allergy and even smelling the slightest hint a salmon can give me a migraine so intense I think I’m dying. Or essential oils. Ughh I hate those. They send me through the roof.

- Being able to remember something you heard in a YouTube video you watched back when you were nine but not being able to remember when you birthday is some days because it really be like that.

- Being really good with little kids. Idk if everyone is like this but I am very childish myself and little kids love me. I have at least 3 little boys in 1st - 3rd grade who think I’m their girlfriend and 8 little girls in kindergarten - 5th grade who think I’m their big sister, it’s really sweet.

- Always apologizing is a big thing for me. When I was a child I used to get in trouble for saying sorry when I did anything and that carried to teen hood. Last year at my dance class my teacher noticed this and tried to help me break my habit god bless you Christine.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk bois. ADHD sucks but I know you can do it👌🏻

[acid-hates-themself]

Recovery

Hello, today is January 5th, 2020. I feel like I should give an overview of what has happened to me. My name will be unknown for now. I am 14 and I’ve been through a lot over my 14 years of life. I was diagnosed with depression in 6th grade after writing a letter to my parents that I was going to end my life... on top of my depression I have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, and ADD. I was told that I had ADHD and ADD is 5th grade. I was put on medication for that. I was always a little bit of a bigger kid. After I was put on that medicine, I lost so much weight but I kept growing. I was told by kids at my school I was too fat, my neck was too long, my hair was too short, my eyes were to big, and my legs were too big. I was made fun of from my so called “friends” I was told on a daily basses that I was fat and ugly. I would laugh it off but it got to me after 2 years of it. I hated myself... I wanted to be dead. I felt like I had nothing to live for, I had no real friends, I was made fun of for stuff I couldn't control, so I wrote a note to my parents saying that I wanted to die. They took me to the hospital right away. I was put in IOP (intensive outpatient program - all day therapy) I was there for 4 weeks. When I graduated I didn't go back to school. Many people thought I was dead or that I moved. So when I hung out with my one friend and saw someone they would call me Zombie Girl. 

A year later I went to a new school. Which was worst then the last one. I was the tallest and biggest girl there and I turned down a guy who had a crush on me (cause he was a jerk) and all his friend started to bully me to the fullest. They even went to measures of beating me up... I cant walk down a specific street anymore because of it... I get major flash backs still and I have ended up crying and having a panic attack every time I see one of them. During that year I developed an eating disorder, anorexia. I would eat about a quarter of a meal a day. When people found out about, boy did they have a field day... I was call the depressed bitch and told “You’re just killing yourself slowly I’ll buy you a knife to get the job done quicker!” I was depressed... very, very, depressed. So I said fuck this. 

I tired to overdose. I did. I actually died, for around 10 seconds until they pumped my stomach. I was in inpatient (a mental hospital) for about 8 days. I didn’t go outside for 8 straight days... I was miserable. I lied my way out... 

“How are you today?”

”I’m great” I would say with a fake smile.

Of course, my “happiness” didn’t last long...

I started to self harm... a lot. it was my only coping skill to let things out. So I tried hanging myself. My parents found out andddddd back to the hospital I went. That stay was about 5 days before I went to residential. 

Residential is a rehab for depression and anxiety basically. I went to res for 28 days. I saw my parents 4 days in those 28 days for an hour a day. But I was happy! For the first time in years I was feeling ok! :) I cut off all my toxic friends and was a happy girl for about a week until all hell broke loose again...

I was raped... 

My ex boyfriend and I were hanging out at his house... I didn’t want to do anything and I told him that yet he didn’t listen... I wont go into details but I have major trauma from it. So I went back to the hospital for another overdose attempt. 

Which leads us to now. :) 5 months later after the 3rd trip to the hospital and I'm happy as I can be :). I have a supporting and loving boyfriend, a great group of friends, and most of all self love <3. I am going to be blogging some self love tips and some events that have happened in my story. I might just post a dairy blog one day lol. 

If you are going through anything that I went through please-

Call: 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255

Feel free to ask me  questions or to contact me for advice <3

[one-more-for-the-sky]

[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to  be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.

[cyanidekissesxoxo]

Personal connection to HFA paper... Call it the beginning of self-exploration?

I’m writing a personal connection paper to a study on High-Functioning Autism/Aspergers (which is a term I learned recently I guess is not as favored any more, but it’s been used - was the term I grew up with as far as other family members - and has identifiable traits that people not highly versed can identify with, so get over it.) I'd say do it.

My family is prone to HFA and ASD.. It has been suggested by family members over the years that I'm Asperger/HFA, but my dad & grandmother never pushed to test (my Dad is also most likely undiagnosed Aspergers/HFA), and I felt growing up that my aunt's coddlement of my cousin and his disabilities allowed him to use his disabilities as a sort of crutch through life, where he may have worked with them a little better otherwise, so I took the route of solidly denying any disability chance, and just told myself it was just personal shortcoming -- I needed to make extra effort to be organized, to be on task, etc.

In a way, I don't regret the path I took - I own and run a dog rescue at 26 that I did all the legal paperwork and filing on, I work 28 hours a week as a trainer, and people constantly compliment me on how motivated and put together I am... however, there's also major issues in my life that I'm working through and have led me to explore the ASDs a little more personally at this point:

- I have a horrible sense of organization. I gravitate towards the neatness of everything in places, boxes, etc.. but maintaining organization is horrible... in about a week, my car/room will go from spotless to like a homeless hurricane hit... I'm getting better about setting myself on a strict path of putting things back in their exact place as soon as I use them, and I do find myself thinking about it more, but still, I battle with chaos and disorder... paperwork seems to jumble itself, etc... Then I become stressed and non-functioning (or functioning out of necessity but not necessarily doing well), and this cycle repeats and repeats. As a child, I was a tornado too, but because there was no attempt to diagnose an illness (by 8th grade I was in IEP for being Emotionally Disturbed - a result of bringing part of my beloved knife collection to school which a friend used to cut herself after "borrowing" one, and I believe ADHD at that time as well, which I'll get into more late), so my messiness was seen as defiance, and punished.

- ADHD or HFA? & Substance abuse issues: In about 10th grade, I was put on Vyvanse for ADHD. I'd already been convinced to try meth by girls in the neighborhood I'd known since I was little, and it got out of control because the main benefit I saw was I WAS FINALLY GETTING THAT MATH HOMEWORK I WAS BEHIND ON DONE!!... well, Vyvanse made me get schoolwork done too, but in a jittery, hyper-focused way that reminded me too much of methamphetamine, so I used it on and off for school for maybe a school year, but it did not answer my problems long term, and was not enjoyable. If HFA is a contributer for these issues, it is possible that being diagnosed properly and treated in a different way would not have more beneficial effect than Vyvanse, and it's also possible that with proper support and help, I may not have chose/continued to use meth to try to catch up on math, because I could have had plans in place in school, and better management at home, to not get as behind as I did in the first place.

- (Un)Comfortable Conversation/Specialized Interests: Between the fallout from separating from a group of drug related people from above, conflict with my family from childhood on (my grandmother thought I was insolent and "taunting" her when I would SHRIEK in fear as a child of punishment, among other conflicts), and never really fitting in at school from a young age, and losing friends rapidly and telling my grandmother at home, who would wonder out loud, "How do you go through friends so fast? Are you doing something? Picking wrong friends?"... so from 3rd grade on, the self-belief that I was difficult to make friends with, I was different, and that my friendships weren't that strong because I couldn't relate to them in similar ways began to grow & got stronger over the years, and now as an adult, I go into almost panic attacks about new social situations sometimes, and it takes me a LONG time to trust, get close to new people, and they often consider me a friend before I've reached that comfort zone... not because I'm antisocial -- I can remember one of my earliest childhood grievances being: "I just want to be everyone's friend! I want everyone to like me!!!", but because I'm terrified, awkward, feel like a burden or sore thumb sometimes, and feel that I either talk waaaaay too much, or I can't make small talk like normal people do (what do you say? "Hey, so, beautiful weather we're having today!" sounds staged. Even if it didn't, what do I say after that? How do I keep the conversation going??!)...

Social Impact: If I had been diagnosed with HFA as a child by a medical professional (assuming I am), I could have possibly had action plans, exercises in developing social skills, being interested in a wider set of topics people want to talk about, not being SO excited to predict what someone's going to say and finishing their sentence, or slowly down with my eagerness to reply once I get talking. I could have grown up with less of the belief that it was something I was doing, that I pushed people away after a while or that I wasn't as good as their other friends --- in actuality, I had a lot of problem behavior as a child as you can see, and I gravitated to problem people throughout my life (in grade school, I have no answer for, other than moving from very diverse Anaheim to Temecula which was still pretty small, I was a culture shock in addition to all my oddities... but in the end of middle school up through high school, I hung out with kids who drank, smoked, and honestly burned through other people too, so this is a partial answer... but again, what behavioral and environmental aspects may have caused me to gravitate towards that type?..)

Adult impact: My biggest problem has come later in life. Throughout high school, I hung out with bad kids, like I said... I did great meeting new people, because I had a very comfortable approach of "Hi, I'm Mariah, let's get drunk and make bad decisions", and substance abuse was my crutch that allowed me to socialize, plus conversation is pretty easy and unjudged when everyone is drunk. However, turning 19 and getting away from those kind of people steadily til 23 left me realizing: I don't drink anymore.. NOW how do I talk to people?! This point was where I retreated a lot into the solace of my dogs, as I've done throughout my childhood, and the training/dog rescue/veterinary school aspiration began to take place. I am now 26 with all of this great stuff going on, but A) dogs are now my comfort zone. I'll talk your ear off about that with no social anxiety. If we're not talking about dogs, I'm still probably really uncomfortable and unable to casually maintain conversation as well. B) Dog rescue & training has become my therapy from my social awkwardnesses, and I push myself HARD to achieve for a continuous sense of self-satisfaction (which is generally pretty short-lived on my end: off to the next mountain to climb! And the next!)... I am now stressed, irritable, and experience panic attacks probably once a week. But also, because there is not much of a social group (I have accumulated a small but very important, intellectual, successful group, many who are working through very similar issues with themselves aside from organization), I have more time to overwork myself, when other people are out going to movies, doing random things, etc... So if I had more focus on developing and maintaining social confidence, that is possibly less grief I could have gone through.

For my family, and if I get the diagnosis when I see a medical provider, HFA is not a horrible diagnosis (I know I'm talking about all the negatives above) -- my family is phenomenally more intellectual than anyone I know, the creativity abounds in individual ways, and the original ideas and approaches to things that I have amaze people -- I've always just thought of things in different terms and solutions than other people, and was surprised when they commented on it --- "Why WOULDN'T you think of that?!"...

I think my fear of the stigma and label was the worst thing. "What if people don't like me? What if they think I'm crazy or stupid?"... well. A lot of people DIDN'T like me anyway, some without ever meeting me... that's not going to change, and it happens to typically developed people as well. I feel that instead, people disliked me anyway, but I ended up internalizing that and then being uncomfortable with myself, or not liking myself. Some people still think I'm stupid with or without a label, but talking to me, reading my writing, or looking at my test scores would disprove that in a second... And to keep a clean, put-together appearance over the years so people wouldn't think I was crazy... well, that turned into me instead wondering if I was crazy.

It's totally possible that I don't have any ASD, and that my issues are personal or from other places (childhood abuse, etc), I haven't been diagnosed or not officially yet - this group is the beginning of my exploration and path to being tested... but even if I'm not, if I had been tested, I wouldn't be here wondering.

I think finding out is your best option. No, your child doesn't? Well, then on with life as usual! But if they do, I genuinely feel the diagnosis and proper management, counseling, and building as an adult will help your child love themselves more, enjoy more out of life, and prepare better to be an adult.

Good luck!

[badwhalenikki]

Hiya! I'm a writer too! A couple years younger than you and can I just say HOW? You are really good at writing and I am just a little bit jealous. Like really I hate everything I write but you are awesome

Oh my sweet baby sit down and let me tell you the story of how the baddestwhale came into writing.

TL;DR I am a mess at writing and spell and grammar check have saved me from my anxiety enough to post my stories. Sorry it took so long. I got really into this

 My very first time writing a story was in 1st grade and before that I was a big time story teller… But here is the kicker… I am dyslexic and I have ADHD and I when I was a kid ((not very long ago)) Teachers didn’t know what that stuff was… I went to a private school where that shit was looked at as mentally challenge… So when my happy little ass showed my teacher my first book about horses and the many facts my tiny little brain knew about them((I was an animal encyclopedia)) she gave it to my mom and asked her if she was sure I belonged at that school…

No one really thought I was smart enough to be there, hell I wasn;t even rich enough to be there. My mom was a pe coach thats the only reason I even got to go to that school! Getting off track here but back to it. EVERY time I had tried to write something… I was shot in the head… 3rd grade I learned I could draw and I stuck with that for most of my life because… EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRIED TO WRITE.

“You can even spell club? and your handwriting is like a 5 year olds… Are you stupid?”- 10th grade

“Beautiful, nicole, BE-U-TI-FUL sound it out… NO THERE’S AN A THERE.”- 6th grade

“You can understand the difference between Your and you’re? well YOU’RE obviously going nowhere.”- 8th grade

“You have a wonderful understanding of the story but your essay is full of grammatical and spelling errors… I have to fail you.” - 3rd year of college

And no one ever taught me otherwise. Any time I even wrote online to defend something or to gush about something people wouldn’t take me seriously because 

“You can’t even place a comma properly… Why should I listen to what you have to say?” - Some asshole on DA

It’s not until i met the friends I have now that I even BOTHERED to write again. Honestly I am crying. Without them reading my story and telling me that they loved it… and that they’d help me with the grammar and spelling that I realized I write REALLY GOOD STORIES…And I hate some of my stories too but honestly thats just apart of art… Honestly Anon. I PROMISE your stories are probably some of the best things ever and you just cant see it past what you see as your flaws. Cause I still write even though all I see are my grammar and spelling errors ((That I can’t even notice half of the time))

Spell check is my life… I am going to write word i know… I dont know how to spell still and not correct them…

anixety genra extrodenary comfortible 

… … … I see that red line and it kills me… But it also teaches me… Like Impossible. Treasure. Mountain. Orange…. Yes I couldn’t spell orange until like 7th grade Writing is a skill some are better at grammar and spell some are better at storytelling… MY ADVICE after ALLLLLLLLL of this bull shit keep at it… Find your flaws and knock them the fuck out. and if you ever EVER need help dont be afraid to message me. I’d be more than happy to help

[paradox-oflife]

MASSIVE q and a post pt 2 dont mind me

 part 2 of the q and a sessions I have to do for class. feel free to steal

1. What do you typically have for breakfast? Bread or cereal

2. Do you like scary movies? Only if I’m watching them with friends.

3. Whats your favourite Milkshake flavour? Vanilla/oreo or something like that. Actually, strawberry and mango is really good.

4. Have you ever been in a newspaper? My school was one time, but not me personally.

5. How long can you balance on one foot? Pretty long. I don’t know, but pretty long.

6. Have you ever fired a gun? No and I hope I don’t have to. 

7. Have you ever tried archery? Yeah. Much harder than it looks.

8. Whats your favourite condement? Ketchup. Mayo only for some sandwiches.

9. Whats your favourite clean word? Catharsis

10. Whats your favourite swear word? I used to swear a lot but I dropped the habit.  “Shit.” But I mainly say “Bugger” lol.

11. Whats your least favourite word? I am so sorry but I HATE it when people call their husbands “Hubby”. I just can’t I’m sorry.

12. What was the last film you saw? Gladiator (2000). Iconic.

13. What football team do you support? Um. Idk. 49ers? But of course, I live in the Bay Area so.

14. Whats the longest you've gone without sleep? 28 hours. At the 20 hour point I felt like I was in a weird fever dream.

15. Whats the tallest building you've ever been up? Taipei 101.

16. Do you have any scars? Yeah. Fell from my bike when I was like, eleven. I got a big scratch near my eye. Had to get stitches >:(. I also got scratched by a cat and it looks like a self harm scar. It’s not, I promise

17. Do you like marmite? EW EW EW NO

18. Did you ever win any sportsday events? Powderpuff if it counts!

19. What did you want to be when you grew up? I had to think about this recently. I always wanted to be a vet when i grew up. But it’s hella competitive. Also my colorblindness (blue-green) really screws things up sometimes. So I decided to abandon the dream and do Physical Therapy lol.

20. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? A lot of things actually. But maybe having ADHD? But I also really want to not be colorblind.

21. Whats the longest you've ever grown your hair? The longest was to lower half of my back.

22. Are you scared of flying? Airplanes - no. Skydiving - yes.

23. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? I’m very average looking, which is subjective. But I think I’m okay. I’d want more intelligence.

24. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? Haha yeah in a summer camp for 3rd grade.

25. How often do you buy new clothes? Only if I have to, or I really want to. Like I mainly wear graphic T-shirts and I really want to get a Stardew Valley shirt.

26. Are you reliable? Depends on what. Reliable for secrets and stuff like that? Yeah, totally. Reliable in terms of work stuff. Mm debatable.

27. Are you proud of yourself? I can recognize good qualities about myself. I’ve been through a lot. I’m still doing alright! So Yeah, I get a gold star for being alive.

28. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Yes this is lowkey embarrassing but... in 10th grade, this girl came up to me and asked me out. And I’m straight. It was SO awkward I had to reject her AAAAH. I said something like, “Oh... haha... um. I’m flattered but I don’t... swing that way.” god im cringing.

29. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? Probably like. “Are you doing well” or “Are you happy”

30. Do you hold grudges? Nah. I probably am too chill with things sometimes.

31. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create? A dog/bird hybrid. Best case scenario, I’ll get a dog with wings. Worst case I’ll get a duck with paws or something.

32. Do you decorate the outside of your house for christmas? Nope.

33. Can you solve sudoko puzzles? Yeah but it takes me SO LONG.

34. Have you ever played conkers? (Whoever wrote this template must be british) Nope.

35. Whats the most unusual conversation you've ever had? It digressed from politics to philosophy to weird things like are monkeys capable of thought. It was one of the best convos I ever had.

36. Are you much of a gambler? No I’m way too indecisive. So naturally I suck at Fire Emblem lol.

37. Are you much of a daredevil? Nah. I’m a coward.

38. Are you a good liar? Only for small stuff. I try not to lie.

39. Are you a good judge of character? Pretty decent.

40. Are you any good at charades? Yikes not really.

41. How long could you go without talking? One day. Two days at most.

42. What has been your worst haircut/style? My little kid bowlcut every asian gets when they’re a baby.

43. Can you iceskate? Yeah, but I haven’t done it in a long time.

44. Can you summersault? Yeah, it’s a bit scary ngl.

45. Whats your favourite joke? THERES TOO MANY DAMN IT.

46. Whats been your best present? A heartfelt card from my friend for my birthday. I’ll take that over anything.

47. Whats been your worst present? One Ferrero Rocher.

48. Have you ever sleepwalked? No.

49. Can you build a house of cards? Nope.

50. Whats your favourite TV advert? The Gorilla Glue advertisements are SO FUNNy

51. Can you play poker? Never tried before

52. If your parents hated your partner you currently loved would you ditch him or carry on with him despite the protests? I would probably carry on. Cause I mean, what can they really do?

53. Have you ever been professionally photographed? Nah. I am not photogenic lmao. 

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? One time and it turned out horribly.

55. Whats your favourite pastel colour? I really like the blue one.

56. What traditionally adorns the top of your christmas tree? My family and I don’t celebrate Christmas.

57. What would be your dream sandwich? Turkey, lettuce, cheddar, butter, baguette bread. Lee’s Sandwich combo #1 is SUPER good.

58. Can you inpersonate anyone famous? Not well lol.

59. Can you do any accents other than your own? American southern, New Zealand, Australian, the Received pronunciation British. I can kind of do Scottish.

60. Do you have a strong local accent? I have this weird mix of the general American accent and New Zealand. By that I mean I sound pretty American until words like “seven, definitely, yeah, bro, pro”

61. Whats your favourite accent? For listening: Australian. To talk in, Scottish.

62. In Tic-Tac-Toe which do you normally pick? X

63. Do you prefer blue or black inked pens? I have a hard time distinguishing between the two.

64. What was the last thing you recorded off TV? I don’t actually record shows on TV. Never figured out how to.

65. What was the last thing you dressed up as for fancy dress? Church. Well, it’s not that fancy. My last actual fancy one was for a wedding.

66. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Green.

67. What do you like on your toast? Butter or jam.

68. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap? Liquid. Easier to deal with.

69. How do you have your eggs? Sunny side up or scrambled. Or boiled/soft boiled.

70. Whats your favourite saying? I have a lot. I really like saying, “Pass the bread, here comes the bologna.”

71.Have you ever been in a tug of war? and did you win? Yup! I won. I fell so hard on my back but I won.

72. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? Nope.

73. What do you have on your fridge door? Some goofy magnets.

74. Do you love or hate myspace? I only used it once. And never again.

75. Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? My dad’s uncle who was visiting.

76. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? Nine years old.

77. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? No lmao I’ve actually never seen anyone do that in real life.

78. Whats your most expensive piece of clothing? Hoodie. Man, do they cost a lot sometimes.

79. Whats the last thing you took a picture of? A meme from reddit.

80. Whats the last thing you drew a picture of? A MF Doom mask

81. Have you ever bought anything from ebay? No.

82. Whats your favourite smell/scent? Bread baking in the oven.

83. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum? No, never been successful.

84. What was your favourite birthday? My fourteenth birthday. Lots of things happened. Can’t begin to explain it.

85. Can you curl your tounge? Yeah

86. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? Innie

87. What would be your dream car? I literally don’t care. Toyata, Honda. Whatever.

88. Are you left or right handed? Right handed, but I can kind of write in left hand.

89. What was the last book you read? Joy Luck Club

90. What was the last song you danced to? Uuuuh, more of a head bang but I was BOPPING to Jimi Hendrix.

91. Have you ever owned a yo-yo? Yeah and I broke it in five minutes.

92. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? No that looks so scary

93. Have you ever been on a space hopper? Had to search this up - Been on something similar.

94. Who was the last person to send you a text message? My brother

95. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone? Omg yeah it wasn’t serious but I felt so guilty. I did fencing a while ago and I lunged and stabbed the mate right in the balls.

96. Are you scared of spiders? Yes

97. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Ive done it with water and I felt like dying.

98. Have you ever been banned from a public place? Nah

99. How much spam email do you tend to get a week? Dunno, I send it to a separate email that I never check.

[simplyem]

Body Image & Suffering from and Binge Eating Disorder

You wouldn’t think I suffer from an eating disorder if you just look at me. From the outside, I look perfectly normal, despite being a bit overweight.  I’m not thin/Anorexic like stereotypical eating disorders. 

From an early age, I was quite aware of my body. I remember one time in kindergarten there was a fire alarm on a rainy day and someone who I assume it was a teacher telling my friends and me to get in a car. One of the girls told me to sit on her lap and I remember thinking “no, I’ll break your lap”. Now, 17 years later and thinking about it, it was a ridiculous thought. I was a healthy kid at 5. I also remember being in the dressing room at the age of 7, seeing the size on a shirt and thinking it was too big of a number and felt self-conscious for the first time with clothing that I felt this way,

During this time family was busy with my little brother who was just two. And since my two older sisters are close in age so they’d always be together doing “big kids” stuff. I know at that time I felt lonely a lot of the time because I’d have to just play by myself. Having a little brother that was recently born, took away the attention from me. For 5 years, I was the youngest, I had all the attention.  And for that just to fade in an instant was big to me, because now everyone way paying attention to the baby. I knew he was a baby and had to be taken care of but I felt abandoned by everyone. On my 6th birthday everyone brought over baby stuff for my brother and you can imagine as a 6-year-old I was highly disappointed. Writing this now I feel like I sound spoiled, which as a little kid I was.  I was a princess that was kicked off her throne by the little prince. I had a lot of animosity for my brother, that animosity came out with me just bullying him. 

On top of that, as time went on I got slightly bigger. I think it was when I was in 3rd grade that I started binge eating. I remember the beginning of comments on my weight started during that time by my peers and family. The unhelpful comments only increased as time went on. And the concern comments my family just turned into body-shaming. As I entered college I gained the voice to tell them to stop. But my mother would just respond with “we say these things because we love you.”  Yes, I do understand their concern for health reasons but to compare me to other girls and tell me to lose weight so I’d look prettier does a lot to a person’s self-esteem, especially for a girl who is still in her awkward faze.

I had no control of my emotions because I didn’t know how to. I wanted to lose weight, but how could I when I hated myself and always felt in and out of my head. I unknowingly had bipolar and ADHD that contributed to me being unable to regulate my emotions, so I never learned any skills to help me. My binge eating wasn’t a lack of control, it’s a coping mechanism for me.

 I have so many examples of people commenting about my weight when it was none of their business. Once when I was visiting my family in France my cousin’s aunt randomly started talking to me she told me that I had to lose weight to look beautiful so I could get a man to marry me. 

First of all, who the Fuck was she to tell me this shit. I seriously just met this lady and she be here talking smack about me? Like the fuck. I want to inform everyone that You don’t need a husband/wife and You don’t need a need to be Thin to be beautiful. Body size does not determine beauty because beauty is subjective. For me, personality and character matter more than outward beauty. 

As Coco Chanel once said, “Beauty begins when you decide to be yourself.” 

For those reading know that you are beautiful no matter what. Just be yourself and live your life. 

Today, control and mindfulness is something I am currently figuring out in therapy.  Being aware of myself, my emotions, and being in a good environment. 

 I need everyone to know that an eating disorder doesn’t happen to thin anorexic people. It happens to bigger people too.  With any eating disorder, it’s not because we lack control, it’s because it’s a serious mental illness with people who are pressured by today's beauty high beauty standard and whatever is going on in their life. 

If you suffer from an eating disorder or assume you are then I urge you to go to a mental health profession. For my binge eating disorder, I do know that I am prescribed Adderall for both Adhd and Binge eating because it suppresses the appetite. It works for me but may not work for you. Know that everyone body process medication differently.  

I hoped I helped someone or at least told an interesting story. 

Please Stay Strong my lovelies, 

Linh ❤