#i literally feel sick to my stomach you dont understand

[embracethecringeside]

guys i knew it

[poppy-metal]

selfish, rotten girl you'd always been and let this caring, fragile, scared little girl you were startin’ to become go - like petals in the wind.

oh and you ATE with that. the hurt/comfort??? i’m literally in awe of your writing and your ability to take the scraps of my ideas and turn it into something beautiful.

i imagine reader feeling so conflicted after the storm because oh my god he was so kind and loving to her but she feels sick because she’s thinking of his girlfriend who has been nothing but kind but also the extremely buried cynical part of her (that thinks no one can love her ever bc she’s sososo awful and rotten) thinks that maybe it’s a ploy. that art was just being loving to her to get her back into his bed, but that thought is easily squashed because it’s art. he has a heart of gold that makes you want to be better than what you thought you could be.

so you do what you have been doing, avoiding him as much as you can. the peach tea being the only moment of connection between you two—the passing brush of fingertips and you ignore the ache that settles in your chest when you feel his warmth. you choke back sobs every night knowing that you’ve ruined that poor boy. and you do what you do best: hate yourself, belittle yourself, break yourself down because you don’t deserve good things or good people. you don’t deserve art donaldson.

it’s the last sunday service you’ll attend before you return home. the plane ticket is booked for friday; your grandma asked if you wanted to stay for longer, and a few weeks earlier, you would’ve said yes. but you need to cleanse this town of you. you need to cleanse art of you. your grandma’s been telling you about that engagement ring he’s been carrying around all month and how he’s thinking of proposing next weekend during the end of summer festivities. “such a shame you can’t stay till then,” she says.

“my parents have found it in them to forgive me,” you respond, “and they found someone who’s willing to marry me.”

ah yes, the big overcast over your summer was the engagement you would find yourself come summer’s end. while your summer was rearing animals, cooking breakfast for the ranch hands, and watching over some of the town’s children while their mamas picked peaches from your grandma’s trees, your parents had been busy schmoozing up and down the east coast, remedying your reputation and finding some brad, chad, or richard the second to marry you off to finally cleanse their hands of you.

you grandma tsked. “you could’ve found love here, dont understand the big fuss over finding you a husband in connecticut. we’ve got some fine honest men here.”

yes you do. in this moment of weakness you steal at art and envision what life would be like with him. would he hold you in the mornings? care for you while sick? play with the children you would bear for him and show them the ropes of ranch life just like he’d done for you many months before. warmth settles in your stomach but quickly curdles when lucy turns around and sends you a wave. you nod in response and focus your attention to the front; the pastor is just beginning his sermon.

atonement. that was the lesson of pastor zweig’s sermon. you rolled the word around in your head as you fried up bacon for the farmhands monday morning. it’s become a ritual. you making breakfast for the 10 folks who help make your grandma’s life just a little bit easier, and while you grumbled the first week, you became a little infamous amongst the town’s women of being the best cook in town: feedin’ their husbands bellies better than they can. at least, that’s what your grandma jokes.

when you place the final plate of buttermilk pancakes down next to the homemade blueberry sauce and the farmhands cheered, you beamed with pride. perhaps you did have the ability to create, to nourish, to be good. art sat at the head of the table, and you caught the little smile on his face, the chuckle that passed his lips at his friends’ antics.

"i will say, your cookin' can make an honest man out of me," patrick jokes. art stills in his seat as you refill his cup. he steals a look at you, but you seem unfazed. no, you seem tired. sick even. but it's quickly replaced with a coy smile that you flash his best friend's way.

"now we all know here nothing can make you an honest man," you joke, "no matter how much your daddy prays and prays." the farmhands break out into a roar.

"and what would you do if i got down on one knee right now? i swear, if it means i get your cookin' for the rest of my life, i'll make you my wife right now, and even give you a few kids too," he says with a wink. you and the farmhands are laughing, but art is gripping his fork.

who does patrick think he is? you're his.

"well it won't do you any good, patrick," you respond breezily, "my parents finally did good on their promise and it looks like i'm getting married by the end of the year." the room falls silent. you let an awkward laugh slip out, "now now, this ain't no funeral. don't people usually congratulate the blushing bride."

art's seeing red. you're getting married?

"well is he nice?" someone asks. art doesn't care if that man won a fucking nobel peace prize; you are his. and he can't believe you. waltzing into his life, ruining him, rendering his emotional state in shambles, only to waltz right out into the arms of someone else? but shouldn't he be relieved? the engagement ring in his pocket burns hot.

"i don't know, haven't met him yet."

"i'm going to go check on the horses," art gruffly says. he leaves behind a whole plate untouched. the farmhands pay him no mind; the youngest taking his plate for himself. patrick smirks into his eggs, well aren’t things getting interesting.

tl:dr art is experiencing emotional constipation! reader is accepting her fate! patrick is,,,meddling? but there’s only 4 days left until reader leaves and allegedly 5 days left until art proposes 🤔 much to simmer, much to cook

originally envisioned patrick as the rich old money new englander who’s equally fucked up and is who reader is engaged then married to and time skip! grandma passes away and leaves behind the ranch to reader and ofc the newly married couple moves there to build a new life away from prying eyes of their families and art is confronted with the fact that you are not his and you have moved on,,,but have you moved on? but there’s smth much more salacious to me (!) about black sheep pastor’s kid!patrick who’s only a ranch hand bc art got him the job as a promise to the pastor to help get patrick on the right track just like he’s been doing since they were kids. patrick who’s aware of the tension between you and art and wants it to bubble over—bc wouldn’t it be fun to corrupt the person in his life whose main job was to make him good? but now both ideas are equally hot and Important to me 🙂‍↕️

also horny thots re: ranch hand!art exist but tbh,,,i’m in my angst, hurt/comfort, plot/character development bag—more to come~

- 🤠

AURRRRR NOT THE ARRANGED MARRIAGE BACK HOME !!

I need them to get into a big fight - like I need art to shout at her with veins popping in his neck yelling at her asking her why the hell she got into his head and twisted him all up in knots when she's just gonna go and fuck off at the end of the summer - get hitched to another man. the jealousy hot in his veins, the possessiveness he suddenly feels foreign to him because he's never felt this way before. not for his sweetheart - never got jealous when patrick flirted with her or anything like that. you're making him feel all these bad things - these sinful things - and you aren't even gonna stick around to take accountability for the damage you've done to him??

need that passionate, knocking the cowboy hat off his head kind of kiss with his hands gripping your cheeks - need that kind of dick that feels equal parts making love as it does fucking - he's touching you in more intimate ways than he ever has before - he's branding you, in a way - marking his territory. making you remember him the way he knows he'll never be able to fuckin' forget you. making you watch how his cock slides in and out - making you tell him how good he's gotten at fuckin', the bull you've trained -

aurrrr ranchhand!art drama save me SAVE ME

[kix-mm]

Part 3 of A once cruel god. G/t short story?

A once cruel god. G/t short story pt3

Pt1 - Pt2 - Pt4

The human slowly woke up, feeling a wave of dread and fatigue wash over them. Victor, a young and powerful god, had recently reclaimed them after previously granting the human freedom. He renamed them to "Amber" after witnessing the human spiral into panic when called their previous title of "my flower." Amber was a name they never intend on using other than when Victor was around. Only to please him and avoid being ripped apart any more than the human already was. After all, humans only have so many limbs to have ripped off before the damage becomes lethal... In fear of this monster that they call a god to go back on their word (which he did), they never granted themselves a home, a companion, or even a job. That way, the damage would be minimal.

Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by an all too familiar touch. A large finger, gently stroking their back. Amber felt the finger move away as soon as they flinched. “My fl-Amber, are you awake?” Asked Victor. Their stomach dropped, suddenly feeling ill when hearing his voice. No, no! Amber wasn’t ready to deal with this, nonono why couldn’t this have been just some horrid dream?!

Victor watched Amber quickly curl up under the covers. He bit his lip and tried again, in a softer tone this time. “Amber? You don’t have to hide away, it’s okay… I’m sorry I scared you. Please come out”

Ambers frail body contorts with horrid cracks and pops to his wish's command. their muscles cramped as their body sat up and pulled the covers away. This was involuntary to the human, but they knew better than to fight the commands of a god. This was known as gods will. If a divine being such as Victor were to want something badly enough, their words could literally force it to happen. He never meant for it to be a command. But his wish to see Amber was strong enough to make it happen. Victor watched in horror, unable to stop what he had started.

He held the human that gasped for air in the palm of his hand “I’m s-sorry Amber, that… wasn’t my intention. I-I didn’t mean to, honest!” Victor speaks. They could feel the pain and anxiety radiating off of Amber. He loosely wrapped his hands around the trembling human. Amber tensed and squeezed their eyes closed, trying to make themselves small. "i-it's okay, it's alright Amber, let me heal you, let me take the pain away"

Amber stares at the god with wide eyes. "No, no! Please dont! Please dont!!" They plead while trying to wiggle out of their hands. At first, Victor didn't understand why. He knew that even back then, his healing never hurt humans. It was only once he noticed the scars and blemishes disappearing that he understood what had Amber so distraught. Amber would rather suffer in pain than risk Victor seeing the human without those. But it was already too late. Most of Ambers scars had faded into nothing, except for the ones Victor had inflicted on the human long ago.

Victor knew that the feelings he had towards the human were strictly one-sided. He knew that his feelings were wrong, but he couldn't help it. Victor looked down in shame. "Sorry..." he mumbled. But the apology fell on deaf ears. Seeing the pink on the giant's cheeks made it harder for Amber to face him. Their body constantly shook with dread and anxiety. Was their torment about to start all over again? Or would it be much worse this time? If Victor was still into the same sick and twisted entertainment as he was before... There was no doubt that he would have found new ways to pass the time. Maybe he would be even worse than he used to be... and what about Victors love? Amber had already blown thir cover that the human had absolutely no room for Victor in their heart... would that even matter to Victor?

But Victor had no such will for Amber. If anything, he wanted nothing more than for Amber to finally get the comfort they deserve. Unfortunately, he knew all too well that it wouldn't be well received. There would be suspicion, the constant worry of why and what the real intentions were behind his kindness... it stung his heart knowing that Amber was most likely speculating what kind of horrible torture they would have to endure before being granted freedom once more...

Victor ever so gently picked Amber up, making Amber hold their breath and cling to their thumb out of fear of being dropped. "Too high, too high!" They squeaked. Victor paused. How was he supposed to pick Amber up if they were afraid of hights? He had never considered this to be a hinderness before "I um... sorry, let me just -" he continued to lift Amber and brought the human to his chest. "Will this be okay? I won't drop you... you're safe now, that's a promise." A promise? From him?

"J-Just like you promised that I was free?" Amber mumbled begrudgingly. That caught Victor off guard. "Yes, exactly, why do you bring it up?" He asks while gently stroking Ambers back, he was trying his best to console the trembling human in his hands, but his efforts seemed to only stir up the human more as they tried to minimize contact with Victor.

"I'm... I'm back here, aren't I? Back in the place I was promised to be free from..." Amber explained while trying to keep their head away from the giant's chest. Hearing the gods' heart pound so loudly was bringing back memories. And what was worse was when Victor noticed, and their heart suddenly stopped. obviously, that made Amber very nervous.

Victor lifted Amber higher. "Amber, you aren't a slave anymore, I'm not going back on my promises this time, I've become better, honest! Or at least I'm trying. That's why... that's why I need you, you are the only one who knows me. You must- no... I need your help, please... help me become better for you." He pleads to the human. A god, pleading to a human? That's new... that's something both hod and humans would joke about, and yet here he is doing exactly so...

[kyusoob]

*whispers* i am literally luo binghe. i was ranting to a friend on ponytown about bingqiu for like. idk how long but i take it to tumblr now.

i often wonder what luo binghe felt as he was pushed into the endless abyss and what he felt after. the anxiety the fear the confusion as shen qingqiu pointed his sword at him. then pushed him down. how could he? does he not remember his own words? the very words he told luo binghe that lead to him learning demonic cultivation? he hates demons? he hates luo binghe.

falling for god knows how long. what was he feeling? and thinking? was there a disgusting pit in his stomach that made its way through his veins? what about confusion? why am i falling? why did he push me? whats going to happen to me? when am i going to land? where am i? shizun?

was he in a state of shock, body cold to the touch. eyes wide open and his whole body trembling.

often when i experience such a shocking unexpected situation and go through a million emotions, i feel those emotions so strongly. whether its sadness or anger or disgust. i feel it so strongly i get sick to my stomach. what follows after is usually a period of complete emptiness. i don't feel any emotions and when i think about everything that happened, i dont recall the emotions i felt during it. i get so impulsive and become a danger to myself an others.

i think a lot about a luo binghe who trudges the demon realm in survival mode. he doesnt feel betrayal or fear or anything of the sorts. he's in a state of absolute nothingness. of course he gets out of this mental state in due time but like. ya.

and i think a lot about how this affects his view on shen qingqiu. we already know how often he splits on him. that constant push and pull we see through the novel is why bingqiu and binghe is often criticized and labelled and just plain toxic. and i agree parts of bingqiu are pretty toxic and unhealthy, but that doesn't mean the whole relationship is doomed.

the novel literally shows us binghe's declining mental state and shen yuan himself realizes it and comments on it. i never understand the hate bingqiu got and why it was called one sided. svsss is literally a build up to their relationship. "the story between me and you has just begun" like hello?

i constantly make the "MXTX! Write svsss in lbh's pov and my life is yours" joke but i think i genuinely wouldnt want to read that. whenever i engage with media, i often get real engrossed with the content and i fully feel and understand what the characters are going through. because of how much i related to luo binghe, what we wre shown was so much more intense. lbh's pov would be absolutely devastating and i truly think that it would send me in a depressive spiral.. i love u luo binghe i wish u total happiness with shen qingqiu.

if anyone makes it to the end hi sorry its not very well written. im not very good with words but i feel A LOT.

[nicolesainz]

Sweet Nothing (MM19)

Mason Mount x reader

Summary : Y/N is Ben Chilwell’s younger sister and they are on vacation with some of the England boys and their girlfriends. In the meantime, Y/N, will be faced with a big heartbreak, which only one man can heal

Warnings: Angst, bit swearing, and a lot bit of fluff (Author’s note : I DONT HATE MAX VERSTAPPEN. Everything is for the sake of the story)

“Okay, who wants to go clubbing?” Declan asks everyone on the group. Lauren, himself, Jack, Kai, Sophia and Ben all raise their hands.

Y/N doesn’t raise her hand, as she’s been feeling quite sick the whole day. The group is being understanding towards her.

“Y/N, should stay here and rest. If something happens, me and Lauren will come back and take care of her” Sophia says while Lauren and the boys nod in agreement

“I’m so sorry to be the buzzkill guys. I promise it’s only for tonight” she apologizes to her friends and brother for not joining their plans.

“Please don’t, we’d all do the same if we were in your position” Grealish replies giving her a sympathetic smile.

“What bout you Mase? Gonna join?” Ben asks his teammate who hadn’t replied to the vote, being too engrossed on his phone. 

Mason still didn't reply and had a blunt look on his face. 

“Earth to Mason!” Declan snapped his fingers and Mason removed his eyes from the screen, looking around to all of his friends and Y/N, who was sitting all curled up in pain. 

“What? What are we voting for?” 

“Will you come with us at the club or stay here with Y/N?” Kai asks him and his eyes immediately fall on Y/N once again. Oh his heart was aching with what he had just read and seen. 

“Not feeling like going out. I will take care of your sister, Ben. If anything happens, I will alert you” the footballer replies to all of his friends, standing up and crossing his arms.

“Sure mate? You doing alright? Seemed too worried with what you may have seen on your phone” Jack asks worryingly 

“Oh yes sorry. No, it wasn't anything. I just blacked out for a moment” he replies with a faint smile

“Alright then. Everyone go get dressed. We will meet downstairs in 45 minutes” Declan says and everyone goes back to their room. 

Before Y/N could reach her door knob, she grabs Mason by the arm firmly. She knew that something was troubling him and wanted to help however she could. 

Ever since Ben joined Chelsea, Mason had been one of the teammates that she grew really close with. They were both in a relationship by the time they met, although when Mason broke up with his girlfriend, his feelings towards Ben’s sister changed drastically. 

Whenever she would show up at the games alone, he wouldn't miss a chance of talking to her or simply be around her presence. Although when her boyfriend was with her, he solely greeted the both of them and then left. He respected that she was in a relationship and didn't want to make a move. 

“Mase, are you okay? I know you said to Jack that everything was alright, but I know you. If something is up, you can tell me. I will help you no matter what”

If he could cry at the moment, he would have. She didn't deserve what had happened to her and Mason wanted to wrap her around him and hold her forever. 

“Thank you Y/N, but I am alright. Just tired and exhausted from all the jet lag. That's all. How are you feeling? Should I bring you something?” the kind footballer replied, inching closer to her

“My stomach aches, but nothing I can't handle. I will try not to disturb you, while we are here” 

“Nonsense, you can come at me, if you need anything. Just name it and I will give it to you” he meant the last phrase both figuratively and literally. He’d do anything to make her happy. 

She gave Mason a tight hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. Sometimes she even questioned herself, why she was in a relationship with a guy that barely paid attention to her, in comparison with a guy who always makes time to check on her. 

After everyone had left, Mason was sitting in his room, reading a book, when he heard Y/N, yelling and screaming. His worst fear, had come alive.

“You’re a fucking dick Max! I gave you space and didn't attend all the races like you asked me to! Did I do anything wrong? tell me!” her eyes were full of tears and that's the first thing Mason was faced with when he burst into her room. 

Mason, a few hours ago, had seen the pictures of Max and Kelly Piquet attending the Monaco Grand Prix together and kissing in the garage. He wanted to throw up, knowing that Y/N, was in a completely different country and being cheated on by her boyfriend of 4 years. 

“It was always Red Bull first and I wasn't even a simple thought to you! I understand that work comes first, but you barely called whenever you were away!”

He didn't even want to think how long this was going on behind Y/N’s back. He knew Max had a reputation but didn't cross his mind that he'd be a cheater as well. Max had the kindest, most generous and loving girlfriend, Mason thought, and he didn't even appreciate her. 

“Go fuck around with whoever you want! I don't care anymore. Hope you enjoy your new girlfriend” she hung up and threw her phone on the bed. She turned around to look at Mason, who was speechless with what he had just witnessed. 

“What that it?” Y/N asked him still crying 

Mason couldn't reply. The words wouldn't come out of his mouth 

“That was it. What you saw on your phone. And you didn't bother to tell me anything! Wow Mase, I thought I could trust you!”

Y/N is about to leave the room when Mason slams the door close and blocks the entrance.

“Get out of the way” she says quietly

“Let me explain Y/N, please”

“Get out of the fucking way Mount” her tears keep falling but now her voice is angrier than ever

He hates seeing her like this. It pains him that he kept this secret and let her find out for herself.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I saw the way you were looking at me”

“I didn’t know if the rumors were true on not! Most of the tabloids are fake”

“Even if they were fake, which apparently they aren’t, you should have told me!”

“I know, but I didn’t want to interfere in your relationship with Max!” Mason’s voice has gone an octave higher than usual which makes her yell even more

“The problem is I want you to interfere for fucks sake!” she screams at his face

“For what possible reason?” curiosity has kicked in his brain

“Because I’m in love with you!” She blurts out loudly and once she realizes what she’s said, she shuts her mouth close with her palm

Mason stays still, frozen, trying to digest what he’s just heard. He didn’t know whether these words were real or his imagination playing with him.

The girl he’s adored over the last few years, confessed that she was in love with him.

“You love me? How? Why?” That was definitely not the answer he wanted to give her

“It’s simple Mason! I love you because you always care about me and take time to talk to me. I feel like you know me better than my own brother. There’s no how in love. I just realized that you were the person I was looking to find in Max, but failed to”

Her eyes have taken a scarlet shade which surround the green hint. Everything she said was more than true. Her heart couldn’t bare to break up with Max, but at the same time, it beat for Mason.

“The reason why I never interfered in your relationship with Max is because I loved you! I still do. I hated the idea of ruining our friendship if I confessed my feelings, while you were with another man”

Mason Mount, a beloved footballer, her brother’s teammate, and the man who she truly loved, had told her the exact words she needed to hear today.

“Whatever he couldn’t give you, I will! Whether we remain friends or become something more. Love, satisfaction, thoughtfulness, pleasure, happiness. Name it and you will have it”

Mason didn’t let her reply by pulling her body closer to his and connecting their lips into a soft kiss, which let her speechless. His warmth crawled in her heart and her consciousness finally realized that it was Mason since the very first time.

“Please don’t break my heart, Mase. I truly love you”

“I never intended on doing so darling. All I ever wanted was to fill you with happiness”

[keirawantstocry]

poly morning crew but tubbo is insecure about his height and fitpac are trying to help him be less insecure about it :)

this got so incredibly off track i literally see one word and run with things swear down

hiii, um I kinda took this and ran with it? I will upfront say I am not a trans man but i am trans so i drew on my own personal experience to write this and dont mean to write anything… incorrect or anything of the sort <3 and if anyone reads this and i have accidently ending up portraying something incorrectly pls tell me immediately so i can rewrite

Most days Tubbo was fine with being trans. It was just part of who he was, like his brown hair or any of his birthmarks. Other days it bugged him. How much shorter he was compared to some of the other guys. How soft his body was. But he was fine. He wouldn't fucking talk to somebody about it, wasn't that big of a deal anyway. Nobody even noticed when he had his off days, Phil was focused on a thousand other things and the annoying voice of his husband in his head just prattled on and on about dumb shit before disappearing. 

He was working out when it hit him. A wave of dysphoria so strong he physically bent over and closed his eyes. Mentally he swore. Horrible timing. Pac was supposed to be over in less than à few minutes and he could barely stand without seeing himself and feeling sick. 

Speak of the devil, he thought as the doorbell rang and Pac's animated voice slid it's way through the house. “Tubboooo.” 

Tubbo groaned but he had no choice. Laying down the weights he had been using, he headed over to the door to let Pac inside. 

“Hey, Pac.” The man looked fucking gorgeous as per usual. It would sour Tubbo's mood if he wasn't so attracted to him. His infectious smile spread to Tubbo's face as they embraced. “It's good to see you, man.” 

It was easy at first, hiding the nasty self hatred boiling in his gut. Unfortunately Pac was incredibly more attuned to his feelings then either Phil or Tommy. “What's wrong?” he asked as they sat down on the couch together. 

“Nothing,” Tubbo blustered, avoiding his eyes. 

“Tubbo,” he said in an uncharacteristic stern voice. It softened again as he gently took Tubbo's face in his hands and turned his head to look at him. “What's wrong, meu bem?” 

With a long sigh, Tubbo accepted his fate. “I just feel like shit about myself today.” 

Pac's head tilted in curiosity. “Why?” 

“Honestly, I'm not sure what triggered it.” 

“But what do you feel shit about?” Pac took a second to look around, trying to find his words, his warm hands still against his cheeks. “What about yourself?” 

Tubbo laughed lightly, trying to shove down the churning in his stomach. “My body. I just wish… I wish I was born a guy.” Bile rose in his throat as he tried to choke down the shame. He hated being vulnerable especially with someone that he cared so much about. He met his eyes trying to gauge his reaction. The expression he was met with was one of pure confusion.

“I'm sorry I don't understand.” 

“I'm trans," he said as bluntly as he could.

Pac just blinked at him slowly as if trying to comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. “That doesn't make you any less of a man.” 

“Easy for you to say that,” Tubbo scoffed. 

Unexpectedly Pac laughed as if it was one of the funniest things he had heard all day. “You do know I'm trans right?” 

Tubbo stared at him as he felt his brain short circuit. “What? No, I didn't fucking know that what the fuck.” Surprised laughter was bubbling its way out of his chest before he could stop it. The shame was dissipating at the speed of light because here was one of the prettiest, most attractive men he’d ever known and he was just like him. 

He laughed again before bringing his hands up to grab Pac’s face and kiss him firmly on the lips. Pac giggled into his mouth before kissing him back, sliding his hands into Tubbo’s hair. The kisses were sloppy, more shared laughter and wet open mouths than anything. But it felt so good, so right. 

They finally stopped kissing and Tubbo realized that somehow they had ended up laying back on top of each other on the couch. “How did I not know you were trans?” he said, still in awe. 

Pac laughed, light and airy. “You hate me and don’t pay attention to me.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” Then for good measure he kissed him again to truly shut him up. Warmth had replaced the feeling in his gut and was now spreading through his entire body. For the first time he felt good about it; not bad, not neutral but good.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hii Cas!!! This is bagel anon. Andd

I've kinda gotten the sleep situation under control but I can't help put off sleep even if I have nothing to do. I have this anxiety about sleep cause I overthink a lot and all of my most horrible moments always come just when I have to go to sleep. Which is very annoying cause my mood goes downhill pretty quickly and when it does, I feel like the worst ever. Then I overthink some more and even if I go to sleep at atleast 10, I might as well fall asleep at 12.

Also I've kind of recovered from the burnout too? For past 2 days, I've just... not been studying much and honestly it feels so good to lay off for a bit and relax. I'm still procrastinating a lot and my stomach ache hasn't gotten better but I managed to start my math worksheet and I'm so glad! There's still so much work left but my school teachers are so nice. I felt sick once and asked to put my head down and my math teacher agreed and asked if im okay now. It was pretty small but it made me feel so nice for some reason.

Also my mom and I had a talk and she hasn't been saying so much about how lazy I am. I haven't properly talked to her about the stuff she says and how it hurts me a lot and honestly I have no idea how to because I suck so much at confronting problems. I once told her that I didn't like how she always comments on how fat I look (even tho i look decent) and I get how she has a lot of insecurity from being obese herself but she's always pushing this insecurity on me and I hate it so much (she still says it sometimes). Its made me so bitter towards her sometimes and even me. And even though she looks out for me a lot and understands I'm having a bad day, she never understands her own mistakes and i just snap at her so much nowadays which makes me feel like shit. She acts like I'm the worst person ever now even tho she doesn't realize how she is like. Taking a break with my door closed is useless cause she'll just come in randomly and start giving me lectures so i normally lock my door and just lay down and read something (normally with a excuse that I'm changing clothes or smth). But she screams so much if I lock my door. She never acts on it but it makes me so scared of locking it.

But other than that, my studies are almost complete and that makes me feel so happy. My best friend had gone on a trip for a week and normally we dont talk about deep stuff, just basic 'so whats up' (we travel together to school and live in the same area) but her presence makes me feel really calm so thats really nice too. And the rain is sooo much and the roads are literally flooded but damn do i love rain.

Soo anyway, tysmmm for the advice, it really helped to hear someone say I need to relax cause i really really did. I hope you have a wonderful dayy!!!

On a side note, Good luck babe by Chappell Roan is so good. Its literally on repeat in my mind!

Hi hon! I’m glad you’ve gotten a chance to relax a bit!

First, would it help to know that just closing your eyes and resting has been scientifically proven to be almost as helpful as actually sleeping? I know for me, I used to stress so much about sleep- “OMG I only have 6 hours to sleep. Well now I’ve been stressing and I only have 5.5. And now only 5. And so on…”

But if you just close your eyes and breathe it has almost the same benefits. It really helped me relax when I go to bed.

Also what your mom is saying to you is not okay and I’m so glad you realize that. Whether or not you are overweight (it shouldn’t matter) she shouldn’t be making comments like that. Being overweight doesn’t make people look “bad” and the way your mom is pushing her insecurities on you is super hurtful. I’m glad you know that she’s doing that, and your weight and your looks are separate from her. I’m sure you slay every outfit ❤️

Agreed, Chappell Roan is the loml

[sturniolodreamz]

To say that i am disgusted right now is an understatement.

For those that dont know, people have been sending @daddyslilchickenfingers messages threatening to kill her, her family, and telling her to kill herself. Disagreeing with someones actions and sending death threats are two very different things. Saying things like that, especially to a person who may already be struggling, can literally be a matter of life or death.

I woke up at 2am to posts confirming that Jess tried to commit suicide. I was sick to my stomach. I never thought that something like this would happen in this fandom. For many people, including me, Jess was our inspiration to begin writing and posting smut. Now, her Ao3 is gone, and I highly doubt she will be returning to this fandom. I honestly hope she doesn't, for her own well being.

I am a suicide/self harm survivor myself. I know people who have commited, and I know the impact that it has on family and friends when something like this happens. I also know the importance of kindness, and treating others with respect and dignity.

What happened was wrong, and all parties involved acknowledged that it was wrong. They know they made a mistake, so why do we feel like we need to keep beating them while they are down? Some of you are acting as if you have never made a mistake in your life. To be absolutely clear, this is not me defending incest/rape/pedophilia, I just understand that at the end of the day we are all just people. Nobody is perfect, and some mistakes may be bigger than others, but that does not mean anyone deserves to die.

I am sending love to those who need it most right now ❤

[certifiedgoofball]

maybe its my npd talking but i fully believe that no non-chronically ill person can understand what i mean when i talk about it. i tell someone im tired and they say i should take a nap and i tell them that wont work and they tell me they understand LIKE NO!!! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. maybe sometimes youre already tired when you wake up. maybe sometimes naps dont work for you. but we are NOT the same. sometimes you get stomach aches when you dont know why. everyone gets tired after they exercise. but it is NOT comparable to what i experience. i wake up every day, still exhausted, no matter how much sleep i get. i have stomach aches 99% of the time. i feel like i could literally fall apart at the seams after doing minimal exercise. walking up the fucking stairs makes me feel like im gonna pass out. if youre able bodied and im talking about my illness, never fucking say you understand. because you dont. even if i try to explain it time and time again there arent words i could use to accurately describe what being sick all the time does to you.

[onepiece-asl-lover]

I HATE IT when people right like fanfics or anything about a charater and the charater is a total jerk or just not them It dosent even feel like them at this point, like it has a spefic topic like if its modern, soft, yandere and stuff bit doing it without warning just makes me cringe. Example lets bring my man Sanji on stage 👏👏👏👏 ok so (1.they just make him incredibly horny and a freak has no boundries, first of all sanji is a LITREL gentelman even tho he is a simp he isnt bad to the point where..you know and he still respect people boundry not matter the gender or person. (2. They make him just rude or like disrespectful to the point you could die and he wouldnt care . Do i have to explain seriously like he cares for people to infant to elderly. Like when that girl who was hungry and sanji just went to the kitchen and just went to cook and give food❤. And that pirate man that we see in the Baratie even tho all the other chef beat the pirate sanji still made food for the man. And dont even get me to women he.would.die.for.a.random.lady. Even with his rivals like zoro he still cared for zoro like the time with Kuma. (3. Yandere. I understand that some people enjoy it but for me it just makes me sick, im not hating, my bestie is literally obsessed with Yandere simulator. But I just cringe every time and when its like to the point to insane even my stomach turns and I feel like throwing up. (4. This is not a hate but more of a dislike. Its when people say sanji transgender. It just dosnt fit with the one piece plot or storyline thats alll really..

Ill fo another post about thsi with Law so saty tuned❤

[onlyjaeyun]

Need to let this out…I don’t know if you’ve seen the hyuna case but I’m so disgusted to say the least..her dating a guy that’s involved in the burning sun scandal and dated her dead friend (goo hara) while hara helped with the burning sun investigation. I literally feel so sick to my stomach and this resllt proves idols aren’t the people they are on camera as hyuna was knowing for being a feminist, but then dating a guy who watched the r@pe videos, I am so disgusted to say the least and this whole situation resllt made my day worse..it shows again that idols aren’t who we think they are and who knows other idols that do bad stuff too and knowing I might idolise them makes me feel so sick, I feel so bad for dawn too I’m glad he’s gone from hyuna, he got kicked out of his company early in his career to date hyuna for them to later on to break up and her dating someone who did all that..reslly sick

I’m sorry for the spam love this situation just makes me have so many questions

oof bestie dont even get me started i am so..angry and disappointed. when i got into kpop in 2016 hyuna was THAT girls girl and now she went and HARD launcched that fucker all proud and shit i gasped so loud bc of how shocked i was im not even kidding. i was already so so sad when she broke up with dawn but like thats life and ig it had to happen but this..? even if she ignored his involvement in a case so scandalous and disgusting, how could she EVER do this goo hara like that woman was your friend and you're doing this i'm..speechless and i genuinely understand every single stan who now reacts the way you and i do because that is absolutely unacceptable. lowkey hoping its just some sick joke but knowing her its not, im just sad and disappointed. she's such a big role model to so many young female idols and this ruins the image she's worked so hard for to maintain all this time..how heartbreaking..

[bunnyb34r]

So I finally went to the movies again and saw Blink Twice... and I have some Thoughts™️

I'll put spoilers under the cut but tw if you're at all interested in this movie, very very heavy graphic and sexual violence. They even do a TW for sexual assault at the very start of the film and a way for victims to get help. Which is good, but makes me wonder... would they give you a refund?? If you couldnt handle that subject and were like nope not for me! And leave? Bc no where in the trailers (that I've seen) is it indicated that the movie is about that... so...

That aside, I did enjoy pieces of the movie (but overall idk if I liked it. It left me with a sick feeling in my stomach (which is the point))

I liked the color scheme, the repetition of white and blue and the red both being there the whole time but also becoming more and more important as the plot progresses. I think that was cool.

The camerawork made me kinda ill im ngl... that might have been intentional idk.

It was a really interesting movie, one that you kinda gotta sit with after watching. It was a lot sadder than I expected. Funny in parts like the stupid fucking chair, but overall it left me sad. Idk I was expecting more... The Most Dangerous Game and not that™️

Oh and I think the acting and casting was really good too

Spoilers ⬇️

So the main twist honestly made my stomach sink. Idk what I was expecting but god it wasn't that even though I probably should have.

I honestly thought the perfume was made with blood and that thats why the snakes or that they were like draining the victims of blood and making perfume for the men that brought them there.

I really liked how literally everything tied back to some part of the movie, the opening shot making so much more sense, the scar, all of it. That was really clever. Heartbreaking, but clever. I wish they had subtitles or made the "red rabbit" part more clear bc I couldnt understand that until Frida repeated her. That part was so so heartbreaking and clever too. Like when it all makes sense it's like another punch to the gut.

"Theres a special place in hell for people who choose to do nothing" was a good line but also like rich coming from you Slater. Mr Morality over here!

At first I didnt get why she saved him, but nothing would have stopped anyone else who he had previously brought to the island if she killed him. Like they could just fly their themselves and do the same shit again. This way she stops it, but god I dont think I could sleep in the same bed as that man after all that. (And I'm sure that is also a message like trauma affects others differently, the best revenge is success/she's able to manipulate HIM now ect) but I cant help but wonder how the other girl felt (i cant remember her name) ab her MARRYING that man like... the whole girls helping girls speech ect

I do kinda think it's funny how Frida was telling him to "eat his steak" bc he said before he didnt eat red meat, so again she's able to manipulate him even in subtle ways now as revenge.

I think this movie is like either one you only see once or one you see at least twice to digest it all. Personally I could not watch it again knowing what I know now, but I could see someone wanting to see it multiple times to dissect it all.

Oh and I thought it was interesting how Stacy didnt WANT to remember and how "forgetting is a gift" and the reveal of what happened to Slater and his sister. That was sad but interesting, especially since victims of CSA tend to have complex relationships regarding their abusers and how some go on to do what was done to them bc of their trauma. That was sad but a very interesting plot point

I'll probably have more to tack on later but yeah that was... that was something.

[fuckyeah-bears]

The thing is for me personally tho, this is so fuckin important right now but its always felt like you were a constant break in a sea of political content. Im asking you as politely as i can please dont stop the bears because of how much they help give a space to sit and think about the barrage of shit just going on and on in the world that just feels like the worlds on fire and we have nothing to put it out with. If you need to stop the bears thats totally fine too, I'll find something else. Because your mental, physical, and emotional well-being come before any need for bears.

Lots of love

A person you turned into the biggest bear lover his friends know <3

i won't stop posting bears. i promise. but i am going to scale back on how many posts a day i do. right now i'm looking at 1 prescheduled post a day instead of my previous 3 per day.

i understand how necessary a break from reality is, which is why i created bearotonin in the first place. and i will continue to run it. but for me, it just makes me feel so utterly sick and wrong to go on business as usual and ignoring the horrific atrocity going on right now. because that's what the whole fucking world is doing. that's what the media is doing. that's what almost all our countries are doing. just pretending it's not happening or it's not that bad. and i can't do that. i can't act like that. it makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about being part of that.

especially because i have some degree of a platform with bearotonin and i feel like i morally need to be using it. but i still want bearotonin to be a refuge and haven for people who need it.

so i've decided that i will keep running bearotonin. and in order for it to be a haven, it has to be an escape from the real world, with no reference or mention to real world stuff on it. but i can't just do business as usual and pretend nothing is happening. i literally could not live with myself for doing that. so my compromise is to reduce the volume of bear posts. i will still be providing daily bear programming to make life bearable. but just less than before.

this blog however, will not be that 'haven'. because i need to speak up against what's going on. and i have more followers here than i do on main. so i may occasionally post bears here. but i'm also going to keep posting a lot of what's happening to palestine. because i need to. it is the bare (bear) fucking minimum i can do as a human being to stand by palestine and not be silently complicit in another genocide

Free Palestine 🇵🇸

[simcardiac-arrested]

Unskippable cutscene part 2. Wether u wish to continue talking about godot or talk about someone/something new is up to you

asks tjat made me sick to my stomach with autism but ohh my god. oh my goddddd. throws these up

i am literally so obsessed with both of these dialogues i dont know what else to say. I know i talk about them every other day but it’s because they mean SOOO much to me. pebbles is quite literally on his deathbed, getting worse and worse as the cycles pass. everything is ruined—his plans, his future, his sibling. and there’s no fixing it. there’s no getting out. everything will only decay and rot further. and of course, at first, he’s angry. angry at himself, at moon, at the world. because he wants to fix it all so bad but he can’t. and as time passes, maybe he’s still mad, but most of all he’s just tired. everything is getting worse. so he gets invested in the mundane. he talks to the silly little slugcats that wander into his can, over and over, and each time without fail he helps them. he tries to help his sister in what little ways he can. who knows what else he does? maybe uses his overseers to observe the world and the life around him. maybe keeps logging every cycle onto his pearls. who knows? the specifics don’t really matter. it’s just that he has gone through so much and his whole life has been falling apart him for so long, and yet it’s the little things. he finds meaning in seemingly meaningless things, and he keeps going, even if he knows it’s all futile. if not for anything, then at least for the day to day matters.

and moon… an iterator who has never much been interested in art—paintings, music, poetry—it’s all foreign to her. she doesn’t understand the point of it all, doesn’t understand the point of weaving fifty different metaphors together or writing hymns or trying to find beauty in things. and she’s never cared much for the ancients. they were her parents, sure, her creators, but they’ve always been more of a nuisance to her. she’s never appreciated their traditions, like having long names, or their silly rituals…and yet it’s the festivals. it’s the sky-sails, beautiful like she has never known before. usually the emotions she feels towards the ancients and ancient-related things are indifference and such, but this time? she likes the festivals so much that she reminisces. she remembers, even after all she’s gone through, even after falling and dying and losing most of her memories, her functioning. she remembers, and she misses them. she misses them so much that she mentions them to the silly little slugcat, talking about how emotional they used to make her, even though usually she vaguely complains about the ancients to them. and things are not necessarily getting worse for her, but they also aren’t getting better. she’s as stuck as pebbles is. and yet she still remembers the beauty of the world, and she keeps going. if not for anything, then at least for the sky-sails.

[holymolywhattheheck]

I really dont understand all the blind support for the callout. I actually read the whole thing when it first came out and i cant believe everyone's takeaway was "ALEX IS A MONSTER" when Ven in the early (unnecessary) section was actively lying to him in screenshots, purposely misconstruing his words, trying to make calls about his mental health (it is literally no ones call on whether alex needs to take his meds), and then the weird "he doesnt respect my boundaries" while having screenshots showing there was no boundaries being made until its too late. AND THE ONE TIME A BOUNDARY WAS MADE, ALEX APOLOGISED AND TRIED TO STICK TO IT ONLY FOR VEN TO GO BACK ON IT (that being keeping a friendship after ven actively told Alex that there was no desire for one).

And the DB thing. Yikes. Like just putting it out there, Ven said in the doc that after seeing Alex exhibiting what was assumed to be "dangerous behaviour" around assumed minors in a discord that VEN HIMSELF WAS A MOD FOR, that it's "not my (ven's) responsibility". And actually reading every screenshot of what looks to be someone actually exploring his gender identity and actively being lied to about boundaries (DB saying in messages to Ven that Alex was clearly told NO vs. "omg stooooooppp 💖💖💖💖😭😭😭😭") then outing Alex?

Yeah. This whole callout seems actively malicious at times. Even if Alex does come out and says the allegations are true, that doesn't make DB and Ven innocent. Their actions are just more insidious. Especially when you remember Alex's own paranoia about his own messages being used against him (which was made out to be irrational when social media is just like that these days) actively being proven justified by Ven dropping this document after promising not too is really the icing on the cake.

The blind support for the call out is freaking insane, dude. I actually feel sick to my stomach because of how much of this will negatively affect someone whose POV we don't even know about. I mean, Alex got practically doxxed. And there is so much backlash. The whole call-out is, in my opinion, malicious. And most of the time it's pointless points aswell, just blabbering for like 10 pages to make a point seem legit.

[septembersghost]

Before I begin I must say I am a swiftie.

I love Taylor. Her music means a lot to me. It literally helped me in a lot of ways. But her recent actions have actually genuinely is upsetting to me(not saying she has to live the way I want her to but I feel really sad). Its just........he is a very disgusting person. He is someone who was literally m@********* in public and made misogynistic comments.

My biggest fury with him was when he called harry a queerbaiter. It was extra hard for me because harry's acceptance was what made me feel peace about my sexuality. I am still figuring out my sexuality and it's mostly fluctuating. He was the first person I saw say 'you dont have to tick every box'. He said that when I was questioning myself for the 100th time. Because if you want to come out to everyone you need a label right! He made me realise it's okay to not know everything and it felt like a warm hug from a friend. And watching M@** ***** call that person a 'queerbaiter' angered me to extreme and 'almost' destroyed my self esteem wondering whether everyone around me thought I was faking for attention too. I know him and Taylor have been friends for a long time but her being romantically linked with someone like that and being so carefree about it while he has been linked to 100th warranted controversy makes me feel sick in the stomach. It makes me wonder if she's like 'I know the things he said/did but I don't care ' and it hurts me so much to even think she feels that way. I know she is a good person and all that but.....the Taylor who made me feel accepted about being the odd kid in the school or the one who understood about my fear of growing up seems so far away. I feel so hurt by the fact that I am feeling this. I think I need to take a distance from her and her art and I don't know how long will that be.

Sorry if I bothered you with such a long paragraph but I feel you can understand this better than anyone here

hi love, i apologize it took me all day to answer this! so i'm going to be honest, i've been thinking about this specific situation ever since the first rumor surfaced, but i didn't address it since i know it sounds like fan-based bias, even though to me it's a larger issue than that.

let me digress for a moment - i've seen a lot of his fans try to defend the n*zi salute as "satire," and that it wasn't meant to be antisemitic, but as a jewish person, i find this deeply troubling, because, even as edgy ~performance art~, using such a direct symbol of hate is never okay (in conjunction with a lyric referencing someone who's been virulently antisemitic in public - and yes, the lyric itself is satirical criticism, but the combination of the two is unsettling, to say the least). it's concerning and it's hurtful and it's inappropriate, full stop. his non-apologies for his grossly racist and sexist comments are as well.

his antics onstage (i have to laugh at the raw steak thing somehow being a criticism of "toxic masculinity"...bro. what?) also cross a line from being performance art to being. ick. (UGH i'd forgotten that other incident you mentioned because it's gross and i blocked it from my memory. just. WHY!!!)

in truth, i had no idea who he was and had never even heard his name (though i was aware of the 1975, i never listened to them) until their album came out last year and suddenly he was spouting off everywhere and doing things and fans began to speak about the old rumors of he and taylor (which i dismissed out of hand, but now. idk). everything i've learned since has been against my will tbh.

which brings us to that awful queerbaiting comment. if you've followed me for any length of time, you know this is a particular hot button issue of mine, i just get incensed at the way that term is misused and weaponized against real people, and harry gets it in a particularly disgusting way because certain sections of the internet seem to feel a superiority complex in tearing him down for existing. never once has harry claimed to be a bastion of queerness or a trailblazer of fashion, and yet he's criticized for...what exactly? being himself? dressing however one chooses without being boxed in by gender expectations is exactly what we're meant to be aiming for, isn't it? not demanding someone's label and identity is supposed to be part of championing the community, isn't it? his choice to remain unlabeled matters. not only because it's no one's business but his own, but also because BEING an unlabeled/mspec person IS itself a whole identity. what matty said about this was appalling and WAY over the line, and particularly disrespectful since they're supposedly friendly. he had no right to make the comments that he did. he should've received more criticism for it than he did (and had he attacked anyone but harry, he probably would have).

(i wish what adam lambert said in response had gotten more traction. Automatically labeling looks and performances that aren’t cisheteronormative as queerbait is “almost underestimating the intelligence of gay people.”)

you feeling enraged and hurt by that is understandable, and you have every right to feel that way. it touches my heart to read that harry has helped you feel more at peace with your sexuality. i've mentioned before that i've grappled with what exactly mine is too and where i fall on whatever spectrum, and just the idea that we don't even HAVE to put a concrete definition on that, or that it's allowed to be fluid, is a relief. i also feel like there's a huge amount of bias where people forget that just because you haven't been in a relationship with someone of ___ identity/gender doesn't mean your own identity isn't real! you DON'T have to tick every box, and you ARE allowed to expand or change along the way, and you're still you and still valid! nobody has to have one set label forever, and nobody else is owed that explanation from you!

He made me realise it's okay to not know everything and it felt like a warm hug from a friend. 🥺💕💕💕 this is so sweet and i feel confident he would be touched by it too.

i am SO sorry that what matty said hurt you the way that it did, it was a reckless, thoughtless thing of him to say, and you and every other person who is working out their identity or who feels confident remaining unlabeled deserves better than him cruelly running his mouth. (which i also think had a level of jealousy in it, because, let's be honest here - he's never going to be harry, success-wise, and he also admitted harry declined to perform at his show, so). matty has frustrated and upset me on multiple occasions since i became aware of his behavior, and you're allowed to feel that way.

regarding taylor, as i said earlier, of course we have no control nor input over what she does or who she associates with, and much as we may love her, she is just a flawed human being too and she has made mistaken choices, and has overlooked behavior from others that perhaps she shouldn't have, or that we wouldn't ourselves, but only she can make those decisions for her life. i've seen a lot of disgust and concern over this on my dash, and i'm with everyone on all of that, but at the same time i think it's a bit of a wake-up call that she is her own autonomous woman whom we do not know personally, and we have to find our own ways to approach that boundary. if that means ignoring this until it blows over, if that means taking space away from her for a while, if that means making silly jokes. i think as long as we're not harassing others (which you would never! <3 but the uptick in cruel anons/death threats that have happened this past month make me sad and i wish everyone could take a breath and...not do that!), however we choose to deal with it is the best we can do. i tend to suspect she's been going through it, and maybe this won't last long, but that doesn't make it a great look nor is it unconcerning. regardless, you should do what's best for yourself and look out for your well-being. if that means detaching for a while, i promise it doesn't make you a bad fan, even though i know that hurts ("the Taylor who made me feel accepted about being the odd kid in the school or the one who understood about my fear of growing up seems so far away." though i'm older than you, this happened to me in my own sense during my 1989 disconnect. i really do get it, and seeing a similar pattern here is a bit painful). i also want to say that i think, knowing what we do know about her and her character and kindness, she'd still want you to feel accepted and loved, and wouldn't align with the trashy things he's said and done, but i understand why willingness to overlook it hurts as well.

thank you for confiding in me and letting this out, i know it's hard to talk about and feeling distanced from an artist with such meaning to you is a specific ache. the only advice i can give you is to step back however you need to, for however long you need to. whether you feel comfortable still holding onto her music but separating from her personally (and/or from tour), or whether you need space from all of it for a while, remember that it's always going to be there, and you can always come back. in the meantime, you can also turn to places and artists that are continuing to give you comfort (like harry, and i'm so glad he is that for you).

for what it's worth, i love you and i know your identity is worthwhile, and YOU are worthwhile, and you deserve to feel safe and embraced and seen. anywhere you go, you don't need a reason. 💛💛💛