#i love harvey he's a great character

[bubblesxo]

the first time de-aged!bruce mentions harvey the batfam give him blank stares. he, as one does, immediately assumes the worst and asks alfred if he's dead. alfred is like ?? no he got married, retired, and moved far, far away from gotham lol. bruce is immediately flabbergasted as to why he has never introduced his children to his Uncle Harvey, promises to introduce them, and promptly tells them many unhinged stories.

the batfam don't quite know if they /want/ to meet him

[navree]

hate that bruce timm has made it so that i can't even be excited about barbara in batman: caped crusader because i'm terrified he'll be forcing his dumb fucking ship on us again

[moider-time]

AU where Bruce Wayne is a voice actor.

He always had an interest in acting and would've tried it but his anxiety always stopped him from getting into the game. Even trying out for the school play would get him stammering and unable to read his lines. To this day, he mourns the fact that he never got to play Benvolio.

He had given up on his dream years before he heard that there was going to be a reboot of his favourite childhood cartoon, The Gray Ghost (all of Gotham probably heard the scream he let out when he heard the news)

Sadly some of the original cast had passed away before the reboot so they couldn't reprise their roles, and this includes the original Gray Ghost. So you have Bruce hoping like any other fan that they get a good replacement. He talks about it so much that Alfred jokingly says "well Master Bruce if you're so worried about it, you should audition"

And Bruce laughs but he can't stop thinking about it. He twists and turns in bed because the idea of playing The Gray Ghost, of being to kids what the original voice actor was to him as a child, he can't say it's not appealing. He dwells on it for the next few days and while he doesn't know if his inability to perform will extend to voice acting, he wants to try.

On his way down to auditions, he is sweating. He has to have Alfred drop him cause his hands won't stop shaking. Seeing all the people in the waiting room almost makes him turn back around but Alfred talks him back into it.

(I'd like to think that everyone else there either didn't recognise him because he barely leaves the manor or they recognised him and realised that this man is chock full of anxiety so it's better to not bother him)

So he gets into the booth and once he's started reading his lines, he really gets into it. It's so much easier for him to get into character when there aren't dozens of eyes on him. He finishes, thanks them for the opportunity, goes back to the manor, grabs his stuffies and screams into his pillow.

It's weeks later when he gets a call saying that they want him as the new Gray Ghost. He absolutely does not cry into his biggest teddy bear, what are you talking about? He does hug the crap out of Alfred though. They have cookies to celebrate.

Before you know it, everyone is in love with the new voice of The Gray Ghost. Both new and old fans agree that Bruce was a great choice. I can see Bruce using a pseudonym though. Bruce Wayne is a name that has a lot of weight behind it, weight that he doesn't want to feel when he's voice acting. So he asks them to credit him as Bruce Pennyworth or smth. Alfred is sobbing.

He requests to record his lines at home because he isn't always up for leaving the manor and he doesn't want to slow down production. He'd totally have a professional ass set up cause when he's interested in something, he goes in.

Bruce Pennyworth gets offered more voice acting roles whether it's for cartoons, movies, anime dubs or ads. Harvey and Clark both wondering why the voice over in an ad for toothpaste is about to make them act up. Every single one of the batkids went through the "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BRUCE PENNYWORTH?!?" phase.

( @bruciemilf come get your juice)

[violent138]

Not a novel thought by any means, but it came up recently in discussion, so: the Joker is great as a villain, but I don't always see him as Batman's "opposite" as some people say he is, because characters like Hugo Strange call Batman an anarchist. And Batman is a disruption to Gotham, and his own brand of crazy. Like certainly, the Joker pushes Bruce to defend his principles to absurd levels and get better. But it's characters like Harvey that are better as foils, that have the same kind of duality in persona and powerful sense of morality as Batman. Or Victor Fries, who pursues a very similar kind of doomed cause, permanently trapped by the past and love. Even Scarecrow is a better counterbalance to Batman than the Joker is.

[2004hitalbumsevenswans]

I really enjoyed Batman: Caped Crusader. I was worried (like everyone else) that Bruce Timm would push his Bruce/Barbara obsession, but they barely interact when Bruce is out of costume, and he’s all business as Batman. Barbara is (presumably) about the same age as Bruce in this adaptation, she’s a young public defender, who still lives at home with her dad. Commissioner Gordon is mentioned to have 30 years on the Gotham police force at one point. And the series is loosely based on Batman: Year One by Frank Miller, and has Matt Reeves as a producer. It’s definitely an interpretation of the early years of Batman.

The setting is vaguely and aesthetically set in the 1940s, mirroring the original Batman and riffing on DC comic stories and character interpretations from that time. Clayface’s story and appearance is based on the original interpretation of the character, which I really enjoyed - especially as someone’s who’s read the first couple years of the original Detective Comics/Batman stories. (There’s also a lot of great references to the Adam West show, and a couple of its themes are reimagined for this more noir story.)

I could see the series setting up something between Bruce and Barbara potentially, but their interactions are really blink-and-you’ll-miss-it. There’s a moment where Bruce’s is climbing back onto the Iceberg Lounge yacht and he uses a pick up line on her, which she scoffs at, then he proceeds to use the line on two other young women. There’s another moment that you could say is pre-flirting, or is at least setting up a foundation to further a relationship between the two. Where Barbara makes a comment about Batman letting himself into her office unannounced whenever he feels like it, and she tells him she needs a way to contact him, and he gives her the Batphone number. At this point I think you could make more of an argument for a Harleen/Barbara pairing than her and Bruce.

I think the characters would both individually need a lot more development to be in a romantic relationship. I’ll say this even though I know it will be an unpopular opinion: in this interpretation I wouldn’t mind putting Bruce and Barbara together. I know that’s practically sacrilege coming from someone who’s favourite character is Oracle but hear me out.

My main issues with Bruce and Barbara together (especially when it comes to Timm’s work) is the age difference. It’s often debated but Barbara in most iterations (including current comic canon) is around the same age as Dick, usually a couple of years older, 2-3 at most. Bruce is depicted as having at least 15 years on her, if not more. And most stories that have Bruce and Barbara together also fixate on her being batgirl. Then there’s the tendency to make a Nightwing-Batgirl-Batman love triangle which I don’t want to get into but I hate completely.

None of that is happening here. Barbara has her own storylines that are just as prominent as Bruce and Harvey’s. She’s an adult with agency and flaws and is just as fleshed out as any of the other characters are. I wouldn’t be surprised if the show takes a season or two to develop a romantic relationship between the two of them. Bruce is completely focused on being Batman and sees Bruce Wayne as a persona. He’s callous with peoples feelings (Harvey, notably) and is shown to struggle with smaller acts of empathy, opening himself up to people, and honestly, social skills. The last of which doesnt doesn’t affect him too negatively because he’s a rich and well known man in Gotham.

Compared to the Bruce Wayne of BTAS it was a smart choice to show a Bruce/Batman who struggles with people and emotions. It reminded me a lot of Reeves’ the Batman. In wider Batman media you usually see two types of depictions: a compassionate Batman (which is where I would place BTAS) or a more emotionless, be-stoic-and-punch-the-bad-guys-and-look-badass version that is usually just a male power fantasy.

This version of Batman sets up the foundation for a storyline that is relatively unexplored, and I’m sure they’re going to explore it more in the next season (which has already been greenlit).

I was surprised at the lack of adult themes in the show, it was marketed for an adult audience but could easily fit into a PG13 rating, but that was probably on purpose. I was impressed they managed to have so many strong, fleshed out storylines in only 10, 30 minute episodes. But I wouldn’t expect anything less of Bruce Timm, or some of the other names I recognized attached to the project in various ways (Greg Rucka, JJ Abrams, Matt Reeves, and Ed Brubaker).

While there are a lot of critiques of Timm I agree with, I generally enjoy his work and the care he puts into it. I love Greg Rucka and was really excited to see that he wrote the episode that was more Renee Montoya centric. And while I have my issues with Ed Brubaker, I do enjoy his work.

While the series is visually and technologically based around the 1940s, the politics are more modern. Harleen asks Renee out on a date and she talks about it with Barbara openly. I saw one review call the show “race blind” which I would not agree with. Most of the racism is implied through euphemism (the scene with Lucius Fox and Gentleman ghost), but it’s still felt as a point of friction for multiple characters, it affects how they interact with the world around them. There’s also a line spoken by either detective Flass or Bullock that implies no one in the GCPD wants to follow Renee because she’s gay. It’s cut off before the last word, but again, the meaning is implied.

An issue I always had with the Timmverse is its depictions of female characters. They always feel less real than their male counterparts, less important and less visually stylized. All the important (read: desirable) women have the same body shape. They’re thin and extremely, unnaturally curvy. I’m aware that these characters are supposed to evoke that 50s comic pinup imagery but I always thought it was a bit much. Male characters - even before the animation downgrade in BTAS season 4 - were always way more unique from each other than the female characters. That wasn’t something I felt with Caped Crusader. The three most prominent female characters (Barbara, Renee and Harleen) were all different from each other, with different heights, body shapes, hair and clothing styles. They also all had 3 distinct personalities that were built up through the series. I would argue that the show was as much about the “supporting cast” (characters like Harvey, Commissioner Gordon, Renee and Barbara) as it was about Batman.

Overall I was really impressed by the show. I was disappointed with how short it was. I hope that Renee’s personal life gets a focus with the next season, and I hope they bring back Greg Rucka to write it. I love how he wrote her in Gotham Central. I was a little annoyed that they introduced the Joker at the end of the series (as a peak into the next season). I think he’s too over saturated as a character, and sometimes his introduction into a Batman story takes over everything else, and he’s depicted as Batman’s Moriarty. I do have hope that this won’t happen in Caped Crusader, because it seems that villains will be reoccurring, but there’ll be a large cast, just like in BTAS. That aspect did remind me of the way characters were introduced in those early Batman comics, it really has the same vibe. I also really really do not want Harley to be involved with the Joker in any way. Please keep her as a separate character, this new interpretation of her is great as is, he doesn’t need to be involved.

I would also be interested to see if the show develops Barbara’s character into Oracle. I could see that happening with the introduction of the Joker at the end of season one. Maybe they’re going to rework the Killing Joke? I couldn’t see them having her as batgirl, but I would be interested to see how they worked Oracle into a world with 1940s technology. I’m thinking back to her as Oracle in the Doom that Came to Gotham, and how clever that was. I’m sure they could do something just as interesting with her here. Something more supernatural feels like a long shot, because Timm usually sticks to the more “realistic”, street-level versions of Batman, but they did introduce Gentleman Ghost. So it’s a possibility.

One thing I did think could have been better was some of the voice work. Not the voice acting itself, but the design. It felt too polished alongside the score and the animation. I wish the voice acting had been more atmospheric, had more depth. It felt too clean. Hamish Linklater was great as Bruce/Batman. Following Kevin Conroy is no small feat, and Linklater’s performance felt reminiscent of Conroy without sounding like an impression. It was quiet and unassuming, yet strong.

I’m not usually someone who watches things more than once, but I’m definitely going to be rewatching Caped Crusader soon.

[phoenixkaptain]

I love Stardew Valley and I love the community and I love how we all bond over pixelated chickens like we’re seventy-year-old women bonding over grandchildren- - -

But I get so annoyed with the character hate, like!!! All the characters are great!! All the romance-able characters are great!! I keep getting recommended videos about the bad parts of characters and I just want to scream!!

Penny: lovely. Charming. Kids are a big part of dating her because she teaches kids, of course she’s going to react a bit badly if you hate children. She is trying to teach kids so that they don’t have to have the same life she and her mother do, why do you hate this woman who is just anxious?

Shane: lovely. Charming. Perfect. “He still drinks after we get married, which ruins the whole story” NO. No. Shane is an alcoholic, and a severe one. If he quit cold-turkey, he would fucking die. “Harvey pumped his stomach” HE WOULD DIE. And I don’t care that my husband is messy, he has his own room and I don’t have to go over there!!

Maru: lovely. Charming. She hates working. She loves working on machines. She thinks about machines to build for you to make life easier. She’s adorable. She has a complicated relationship with her brother and I want to help them fix it goddangit because I love fictional siblings.

Elliott: lovely. Charming. An artist. He only leaves his home for like four hours a day. I can really relate to the desire to shave off all of one’s own hair. I feel that in my bones. Also, is friends with Willy and I fucking love Willy so A++

Leah: “she’s a lesbian” She’s fucking bi stop erasing bi rep in Bi Rep the Video Game

Sam: he’s a musician and a skater. This is what the perfect man looks like.

Emily: just the most charming. She has a complicated relationship with her sister because she takes care of her. She works at a saloon, how can someone not love a literal saloon worker? She’s crazy, she’s wild, she’s a flower child, I’m in love with her

Harvey: glasses. Doctor man. Occasionally puts on headphones to not so subtly hint that he doesn’t want to talk to you. This is what the perfect man looks lik-

Abigail: I don’t see a lot of people complain about Abigal, but I’ve seen a few and it just feels like- you guys love Sebastian so much but don’t like Abigail? What type of double standard is this?

Alex: everyone always says not to date him if your playing a female farmer, but honestly, his dialogue only cuts out parts if you play male. Like, he still says he felt different about you from day one even if you’re playing as a girl. The character affected the most by your gender choice in regards to dating Alex is George, and if you’ve already befriended George, he’ll apologize for being mean about your sexuality when he never even said anything mean about your sexuality, which is kind of funny

I never see people complain about Haley or Sebastian, which is fair, because Haley has a cute character arc and Sebastian loves frogs (this is what the perfect man lo-) My only problem is that people praise these two but rag on everyone else when I feel like all the characters are balanced pretty evenly in terms of good-bad traits.

Which trait is which is dependent on the person playing the game anyway, so when someone like me plays, I can’t help but find the characters perfect because I’m very forgiving when it comes to fictional characters’ undesirable traits. I mean, my favourite trait of all is stupidity, pure and unbridled, I’m talking facepalm-inducing, groan-worthy, the type of character people complain about the most; the type of stupid that makes people stop enjoying things. How can I dislike these characters who are cute and a bit awkward and so ready to bed the first hot farmer they come across even when that farmer sifts through their trash and passes out three steps away from their own house and drinks mayonnaise and would eat hay given half the chance. Like come on. They’re all moron-sexual. I can relate to that.

In conclusion: your favourite bachelor and/or bachelorette is as wonderful as you think they are and screw the people who try to tell you otherwise. The characters are great because they appeal to different people. Enjoy the game and enjoy the dating and I swear to God if I see another person say that certain farm layouts are bad because they don’t make enough money- the game doesn’t have a time limit! You can make as much money as you want! You could sell one sap everyday and nothing else and you would still be able to make it to however much money you desire to have. There’s not really a fast way to make ten billion gold, that doesn’t mean that the farm layouts you don’t like are bad and yes I’m ranting just because I love the slopes of the mining farm its layout is chamrjng and picturesque and provides a unique challenge to decorating and placing buildings and it’s actually the BEST farm layout because I just decided so and-!

Stardew Valley is a great game, 10/10 would recommend, and the new update is already great because I found carrot seeds and I like carrots :)

[prettyboypistol]

Stardew Valley Bachelors x Male Reader Relationship Headcanons

Harvey

Super Shy Gay(TM)

I dont CARE if you're married he ASKS TO HOLD YOUR HAND

Kiss him. Kiss him in public. Do it.

If you call him gay he'll get flustered

Can't cook for shit but tries his best. yes, the smoke alarms are going off because he tried to cook bacon.

Harvey is one of those anxious boyfriends that asks you to text him that you made it to a place safe.

"Drive safe, I love you"/"Dear it's been 10 minutes since the ETA are you alright?" hella ass

probably forgets your anniversary ONCE, but then never again when you tell him you were upset.

Elliot

you know the men that forget your anniversary? NOT ANYMORE

you randomly come home to roses all the time.

"Oh hello my love i am writing a book about homosexual pirates wear this to immerse me please"

probably hides gifts around the house with little notes

bad at confrontation but will eventually talk to you about things that bother him like a week of letting it fester.

"BABY CAN WE PLEASE GO TO THE RENAISSANCE FAIR"

Dramatic ass bitch on GOD

probably likes to be choked

Shane

Calls you gay slurs affectionately and expects the same energy back at him.

He can cook like, 2 meal.

Remembers every little anniversary but is embarrassed about it. He remembers the first time you kissed, the first time you said i love you, etc.

Biggest cuddlebug known to man

Feels bad that you're the main breadwinner so he begs to take care of the chickens on your farm.

You WILL find Shane asleep with a baby chick in his arms sometimes i'm sorry homie

Confrontational af, if something happens that he isn't okay with he'll bring it up as soon as situationally possible in a kind way.

Sam

writes you love songs

he's a bit of a messy partner, but if you mention the mess it'll be spotless for like, 3 weeks.

if you get in a fight he'll brood outside with his guitar for a little, but will always get into bed with you at the end of the day happily.

loves surprises and surprising

he's all great when it's casual flirting, but as soon as you two start seriously flirting he gets all flustered.

bi-curious, you're probably the first man he's dated but not the first man he's kissed.

loves to binge TV shows with you

Sebastian

pan ICON

he thinks you're too cool for him, but he is grateful that you enthusiastically love him

calls you a hillbilly if you call him emo

if you ask about a project he's working on he WILL talk for hours

Falls asleep at his desk a lot, but appreciates when you carry him to bed

he loves when you talk to him "while he's sleeping"

Lets you ride with him to TechCons or Comicons, loves going as couple characters

you get invited to the Dungeons and Dragons campaign

likes calling you his boyfriend

Alex

picks you up and does reps with you to flirt

he loves touching your body after a long day of farming, the tan fascinates him.

a surprisingly great cook, always knows what you wanna eat without asking.

has never even looked at a man before you came along, so he's kinda awkward about serious romantic things

bad at confrontation, but great at supporting you

he calls you very masculine things like "superman" or "my man" a lot

Defends Dusty when he steals your spot on the bed, but offers his chest as a substitute.

[about-faces]

Batman: Caped Crusader, Episodes 1-2 thoughts (SPOILERS)

First things first, Harvey is as bad as I’d expected. I honestly can’t tell whether this is worse than the version we got in the last Timm-produced animated Batman show, “Beware the Batman.” That Harvey was a humorless prick straight out of the William Atherton school of jerkasses, while this one is a smug sleazebag who would be someone you’d love to hate if he weren’t also a complete inversion of a great tragic hero turned villain.

I’m just so sick of people portraying Harvey as a politician first and foremost, performing for the cameras and thinking about his career ambitions. I’m sick of him being a corrupt asshole and even an authoritarian. I’m sick him being two-faced, when the irony of his character is that he himself never WAS. Now that that’s out of my system, I’ll move on, because I know he has an arc in store that may prove more interesting than the usual Asshole Harvey takes.

They tried several things with the Penguin, and I’m not sure they gelled into anything that worked for me this time out. Making her a woman, that’s no problem, and I appreciate her classic style and appearance in a time when everyone just wants to turn Cobblepot into a boring Tony Soprano knockoff.

Ultimately, though, it all just served to make her a standard “Ma Barker” archetype. You know, the alleged matriarchal crime boss who was killed by Hoover’s FBI, who may have dragged her name through the mud to excuse their killing of an old woman? There used to be several takes on her in pop culture, although nowadays the only famous one is probably Ma Beagle from “DuckTales.”

With that in mind, they should have just cast Margo Martindale. Excuse me, didn’t use her full name: Beloved Character Actress Margo Martindale. Minnie Driver is a fantastic actress (I’m still mad that “The Riches” was not only cancelled but totally forgotten), but it was a waste not to let her use her real accent. As it was, she was fine, but she didn’t bring anything special to match the physical design. As an actress, she deserved more to play with.

Also, “Oswalda” is a terrible fake name. Like come on guys, you can do better. That’s on par with Revolver Ocelot’s real Russian name being “Adamska.”

The biggest problem with this take on Penguin is that she’s set up as some kind of brilliant mastermind, only to act incredibly stupid, reckless, and gullible. She kills not one but two innocent goons, including her own son, without so much as an investigation or even keeping tabs on the suspected rats to use them as pawns against Thorne! To paraphrase Dijkstra from the “Witcher” books, you don’t kill spies, you USE them. You feed them misinformation! You blackmail them into being double agents! This Penguin is bad at her job, so no wonder she loses everything within hours. It’s amazing she was able to build a crime empire in the first place!

I also dislike Bullock being a corrupt cop in the mob’s pocket. That fits Flass perfectly, but Bullock? Fuck no. Bullock IS dirty, but he’s dirty in a very acceptable way to cops. He’s brutal, he cuts corners, he’s crass, and he’s probably not above planting or concealing evidence, but selling out to the mob? Hell no. That’s just wrong. Hate that choice. Unless it’s a misdirection. This show sure does love its misdirections from what I’ve seen so far.

Batman himself is… fine. He’s Batman. He’s not a bad Batman. He’s serviceable but unremarkable. But at least he wasn’t an irritating asshole, which is more than I can say for most Batman depictions these days. I liked Bruce trying his “falling off a boat” joke a second time, delivered verbatim after it flopped with Barbara.

Barbara being a defense attorney is a rather contrived choice, one that gets to put her at odds with Harvey while also giving her a professional in with both Batman and Gordon. Essentially, she’s in the role Harvey Dent is supposed to play. Except here she’s a defense attorney, which SHOULD put her at odds with her dad, since lawyers and cops don’t seem to like one another, for SOME reason!

And Harvey, even as District Attorney, can’t be in the role of legal ally to either Gordon, because the story is far more focused on making him a mayoral candidate who throws people under the bus for his own advancement! Feh.

Anyway, that was episode one. It was fine, I guess.

The screenplay is by novelist and DC veteran Greg Rucka, so of course Renee Montoya is the central focus. Seeing her interact with Sleazebag Harvey gave me war flashbacks to what Rucka did with Renee and Harvey in the comics: setting them up with a poignant dynamic of tenuous respect and kindness before dashing it all with “Gotham Central: Half a Life,” which solidified the perception of Harvey as a creepy, obsessive stalker for a generation of fans. That version of them was very much of display here. Sigh.

Also, Lucius Fox is Bruce’s lawyer now? Why? And also, what the hell? God, poor Lucius. He starts off in comics as the guy actually running Wayne Enterprises, then “Batman: The Animated Series” makes him Bruce’s right-hand-man, then Nolan and Goyer get the inspired idea to make him the Q to Bruce’s 007, while the comics don’t know what to do with him and even make him an authoritarian to cause friction with his vigilante son, and now this? It’s such a random choice. There’s no reason why this character should be Lucius. Hell, Lucius could have shown up there WITH the lawyer and that would have been fine. As it is, it’s just weird.

That said! I overall liked this episode an awful lot! For DECADES now, I’ve wanted to see someone remember that Basil Karlo was an older actor in the classic horror movie vein (his name is literally a combination of Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff), but ever since “Batman: The Animated Series,” everyone has just tried to make him BTAS’ Matt Hagen. Like, I really liked the “One Bad Day” issue for Clayface, where he gradually killed his way to the top of Hollywood stardom, but even that was still BTAS Hagen, the Serious Actor, not Karlo, the old horror ham actor.

But with this episode, someone finally drew on the old Hollywood horror roots of the character, and they found a way to combine his shape shifting abilities into the mix! I’m so happy!

Of course, this is me, so I still have criticisms. Like, I think it was unnecessary to frame it as a mystery, because that added unnecessary complications. I know the original Clayface story was a whodunnit and you can’t do that now that everyone knows that Karlo is Clayface. I was annoyed by the misdirection of Karlo’s “death,” in part because I feared this would be another Clever Subversion, just like how the animated adaptations of “Gotham By Gaslight,” “Hush,” and “The Long Halloween” purposely went against expectations from the source material in stupid ways. Hell, they’re doing the same thing now with Penguin (“But wait, there’s a twist: she’s a woman!”) and Harvey (“But wait, there’s a twist: he’s an asshole!”), so I was afraid this Clayface would end up being someone else entirely. I was okay with it in the end, but I’m annoyed at the cheap fakeout as a plot point.

Furthermore, I don’t get why Basil disguised himself as the doctor (whose name I don’t remember) for the benefit of the actress (whose name I don’t remember) he had chained up in his hideout. What benefit was there in making her think he was the doctor? She was already aware she was a prisoner and was scared, so why the facade? It served no purpose in context, only just to misdirect the viewers.

This is what happens when you try to make something a mystery when it would work better as a thriller. Stop trying to wow audiences with twists and surprises when you could just be focusing on telling a good story. So what if everyone figures out Karlo is Clayface? Who cares! Just go with it! Let them be in on it while Batman and Montoya figure it out themselves, that’s where the tension lies! Stop trying to be clever.

Regardless, I really liked this episode. I want this to now be the canon comics origin for Basil Karlo’s Clayface. Just explain that the treatments for his face gradually affected his whole body, and boom, you’ve successfully explained how classic Slasher Clayface became Mud Monster Clayface. This is how Karlo should always be written from now on. If you really want a sensitive, angsty lug Clayface, bring back Hagen. Let Karlo be the gloriously hammy monster with aspirations of stardom.

[veren-cos]

Hi!! How are you?? :)

I'm not sure if you're still up for taking requests, but I'm gonna try anyway!

This is actually the first time I've gotten myself to read Stardew Valley stuff, I was looking for content and came across one of your posts (the comforting after a rough day one) and I just couldn't help but keep reading. I love the few I've read so far honestly!!

I have a very specific topic in mind for the bachelors that you could use for headcanons; it would involve the farmer being asexual, the bachelors' reaction to that knowledge and how they'd act towards the farmer from that point on in their relationship (already dating), since I know that some people actually feel weird about it after finding out (needless to say that I'm in fact ace myself)

You can decline the request if you're not open to that at the moment but most importantly if the topic makes you uncomfortable in any kind of way, I'll understand and accept it right away :)

I'm a really awkward person so since I don't really know what else to say, thank you so much (even for reading this) and keep up the good work!! <3

Coming out as asexual to the bachelors

These are assuming you are already in a (relatively new) relationship.

These are also more for sex repulsed aces. Not really a tw, but Alex's section is a little more angsty than the rest?

Sam

• Would not have heard of asexuality at all.

• He honestly gets confused for a second and thinks that you didn't like him at all.

• But once you explain that you just don't want the sexual aspect of a relationship, he is actually pretty chill about it.

• He wasn't expecting anything to happen with you for a while because you'd just started dating.

• So it really took the pressure off of him because he was really nervous.

• Nothing really changes with him! He would probably just show you a lot of nonsexual physical affection. Like a lot more than before.

• There is no pressure to go any further. I could honestly see this guy being ace himself, but regardless he loves you.

Sebastian

• Sebastian would probably be like. One of maybe 3 Bachelors who have heard of asexuality.

• And he would by no means have any problems with it!

• He would just love on you by sososoo many cuddles.

• He likes being intimate with you physically, and doesn't want to pressure you at all.

• He understands that you definitely still like him, you just don't feel the sexual attraction or want to have sex.

• Like Sam, I could see Sebastian being ace. He just wants to be with you, in whatever ways you want to be with him. <3

Alex

• Okay so I love Alex. And I like to think of him as accepting. But he basically canonically has internalized homophobia.

• I don't think he would of even heard of asexuality.

• It truly depends on how much character development he has had.

• So basically. He would either be like chill about it, or break up with you (and not because he doesn't like you! That's important!)

•

• If he was chill, I think the relationship would progress just as normal!

• He would just hold your hand, and give you so many kisses.

• He would try and learn ways to show you affection without crossing your boundaries.

•

• But if his character hasn't developed, I could see him breaking up with you. And it's not because he wouldn't like you anymore. Please don't get him wrong, he really likes you.

• He just seems like the kind of guy where sex would be the epitome of intimacy. I don't think he would know what to do, and he doesn't want to pressure you.

• If he hasn't had character development, he would want to go back to just being friends. He wouldn't know how to express how he feels about you in a non sexual way.

• Alex would, however, much come to regret that. So once he has a grasp on his own emotional needs and learns more about emotional intimacy, give a relationship with him another try. He will be great :)

Harvey

• Harvey!!

• Harvey would be so respectful.

• He probably wouldn't have heard of it before? Not in like a sexuality way anyways. Maybe like in the science way tho. So he can guess.

• He wouldn't want to push you, and he hadn't made any sexual advances in the first place so it's not like there would be any backtracking.

• He loves you for who you are, not what you can do for him.

• Once you explain what it is, or for your specifically what it is, he just hugs you and tells you he loves you.

• Harvey is a sweetie.

Shane

• Shane wouldn't care.

• It's your business lol

• I couldn't see him being ace himself, but I could see him having a really low sex drive.

• Depression can often decrease a sex drive if ya didn't know 🤠

• Soo yeah, it wouldn't be a big deal to him :)

• He, like Sebastian, would just give you a lot more cuddles instead! Shane just likes to be close to you

Elliott

• Elliott would be so amazing with it?

• He just wants to love you the way you want to be loved. And if that means never having sex? He us okay with that.

• He was already the king of nonsexual intimacy.

• He would love taking baths with you, washing your hair, etc.

• He wants to make sure you know he loves you, and is incredible respectful of your boundaries and sexuality.

An* To my ace readers ilysm!! Aroace-spec identities are so underrepresented. So I was so happy to write about it! I love giving fiction for underrepresented subjects. Hope you enjoyed!

And to you who requested thjs, ty! I'm glad you like my writing, that means a lot to me :) I'm always open for requests, they just take me a while- so feel free to send more if you'd like :3

If something about this fic is iffy or weird, please let me know. I'm not ace (I don't think? But that's a different topic lol) so I don't know if I wrote things right. I'm mostly iffy about Alex's response. So if you have a suggestion please do lmk. 🤠👍

Masterlist

[stardewstardropthoughts]

ahh imagine the bachelors when you’re pregnant talking to your belly to get the baby to calm down at night. like the baby likes to keep you awake at night by kicking you directly in the ribs and the only thing that works is your husbands voice.

I think shane would feel super awkward at first since hes not much of a talker anyway, but it becomes a cherished nightly routine for him in the last few weeks of your pregnancy “hello, papa shane reporting for duty, its time to chill out so your mother can get some sleep” and tell it chicken stories, elliott would read poetry and shakesphere, Alex would probably talk sports to it.

I would LOVE to hear your headcanons

Deadass sleeping while pregnant is so hard, and when the tiny child your growing rolls they’re whole body while your trying to sleep? It feels so weird 😂 also listen I know Skyrim isn’t in Stardew but I love it and I know Sebastian would also, lemme have this lmao

The bachelors talking to your baby bump to calm down your unborn child so you can sleep

Harvey:

Probably a bit nervous at first because he isn’t sure what to say

But when your having issues sleeping because your unborn child keeps kicking you as hard as they can he agrees to give it a shot

Gently lays his head on your bump

“Hey there little one, your moms out here trying her best to grow you and she needs to sleep to do that, think you might be able to settle down a bit?”

Is surprised when his voice seems to calm the unborn child down

Very quickly becomes his favorite part of the nightly routine

“Well hello in there tiny one, thank you for tuning into the nightly talk show. Today we’re gonna learn about you! That’s right, tonight’s broadcast is all about your growth”

Your giggling at his little radio show impersonation

Alex:

Ya know those TikTok videos of people doing little handshakes with their wife’s pregnant bellies and then when the baby’s born? He’s doing that, just wanted to add in that tid bit lol

He probably noticed you were having issues sleeping and he could see all the wild movements from the outside

Leans down and starts talking to the bump

“Hey kiddo, I know your doing your own thing in there but momma needs to sleep, whatcha need?”

When you tell him the baby calmed down after hearing his voice he’s thrilled

Will 100% explain the rules of gridby in depth to your unborn child

“Okay so if you wanna grow up big and strong like your daddy, your gonna have to have proper nutrition, lucky for you I have years experience”

Spends almost every night at bedtime telling your unborn child all about the farm and gridby and of-course rusty the dog

Sam:

Mans been talking to your baby way before they could hear or acknowledge him

He’s just so excited

“Hey little guy, mommy’s trying to sleep so we gotta calm down, I know you wanna shred but once your out I’ll teach ya to skateboard”

Definitely goes over skateboarding safety with your unborn child

“Sam he’s not even born yet”

“Okay but he’s gotta know how to grind the pipe baby, it’s a great skill”

100% also going to blow a raspberry on your bump to startle the baby cause it’s funny

Shane:

Dude definitely chats with your baby bump all the time

Especially when your cuddling so mostly at night when y’all are going to bed

Probably the reason the infant can’t stop kicking you without hearing from daddy first

“Hey kiddo, you’ll never guess what kinda antics the chickens got up to today, I can’t wait to introduce you to Charlie”

Definitely brought Charlie in the house once and put him on your bump

“Hey kiddo, this is Charlie, he’s my favorite chicken but don’t tell the others that”

You gently pat Charlie’s head while he looks very confused about the situati

Sebastian:

Mans fully prepared to teach your kid all about video games when Theyer old enough

But when they won’t stop kicking you at night unless he talks to them? Now they get to learn early

“So in Skyrim right? There’s a whole character builder and you get to pick what race you want to be, I always go for dark elf personally but you can be whatever you want”

It’s like two hours later, your asleep and he’s still going

“So when you get to white run you have to find the jarl and tell him about the dragons attacking helgen so he’ll send troops to riverwood and then there’s a whole side mission to go on to get the dragon stone and-“

Notices your soft snoring and chuckles to himself silently

“Okay kiddo, we’ll pick this up again tomorrow night, good night my little tadpole, love you”

Presses a little kiss to your bump before going to sleep

Elliott:

This mans been reading poems and story’s to your bump since he learned that baby’s can hear and recognize voices

It’s a nice little nightly routine, after baths and pjs and whatever snack your craving you both settle in and he grabs a book

Tonight’s book selection is the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe

“Alright little one, it’s story time”

Cozy’s up with his head on your bump

“Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore”

Loves knowing he can sooth the baby even before They’re born yet

Also loves knowing he can provide a bit more comfort to you as you grow them

[ritzylate]

SDV Harvey things I cant stop thinking about

If your character gives birth to a child, you give birth in the middle of the night, right?

Harvey delivers your baby himself.

Imagine him being sad that he can't hold your hand because he's literally delivering your baby.

But he just looks up at you with so much love and tells you how great you're doing.

Imagine him pouring over books beforehand because he hasn't done it in a long time.

You know he cries and can't wait to cuddle you

[bbeeew]

sdv teir list [/j]

my rating for every bachelor/bachelorette in sdv in whatever order I decide

Alex

8/10, despite giving off that homophobic sporty guy vibe he's actually nice and I think he would be a good candidate

Haley

7/10, respect her and those who enjoy her as a character, but I don't really like her. But that's more personal preference

Harvey

11/10, the DISRESPECT this man gets is insane. For what, for why. He's honestly a 9/10 but he gets bonus points for how dogged on he is for no reason.

Maru

8/10, ignored and undervalued. A hidden Jem more people need to talk about

Sebastian

7/10, the gamer boy thing is cute, the smoking and hating parents thing is a little eh, bonus points for frogs.

Emily

6/10 if she is straight, 8/10 if she's a lesbian. Her character doesn't have a lot besides crystal girlie and being straight makes her bland. Mad respect of she's a lesbian tho

Sam

9/10, his hair may be nasty, but the golden retriever energy can make up for that. Also you get to pick the kind of songs he writes, which is sweet.

Abigail

8/10, eating rocks is cool, kinda leans into that I hate my father area but it works well towards the end of her arc.

Shane

12/10, I'm being biased but once again WITH THE SHADE BEING THROWN AT HIM. He's still a loving father/husband and does try his hardest regardless of wether you stay platonically with him or not. (Side note: he doesn't get worse after marriage, I better not see this brought up in the comments of a happy post)

Leah

9/10, lesbian queen, not much else to say. Very few downsides to her both in dialog and as an individual.

Elliot

7/10, kinda gives that over romantic mom book vibe, but I can get behind it. Kind, charismatic, loses 2 points for disliking pizza tho

Penny

10/10, extra point for the shade as well. For a character so sweet and kind and struggling with so much you really gotta be doing her dirty. She's giving the kids an education and that's great. Hope she is doing well.

Notice how none of them are below a 6/10

That was intentional, all have their values and all appeal to different people. And rating them through the "this is my idea of them and not how they are in the game" glasses isnt fair.

[yanderes-galore]

Could I request yandere arkham two-face hcs? -🌹🦢

Sure! Using the wiki for the Arkham games to write his character, although this most likely works for other variations of Two-Face. I just talk general behavior, there isn't really any backstory to this one. No pairing specified so I tried to keep it general.

Yandere! Arkhamverse! Two-Face Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Murder mention, Delusional behavior, Manipulation, Kidnapping mention, Possessive behavior, Split personality, Brief stalking mention, Violence, Forced companionship/relationship.

Looking into him more, Harvey/Two-Face has a really sad backstory.

Plus due to his personalities I'd say he'd be unpredictable in behavior.

On one hand, he'd want to be caring and considerate of his darling.

One the other, he could easily snap and show sudden aggression, often killing others with the flip of a coin.

Two-Face would also be the type of yandere to believe he's fated to meet and have you.

A big part of his character is fate, after all.

Since he has such beliefs you could also assume he'd be a delusional yandere too.

Evident in Arkham Knight through tapes, it's also shown he has self-loathing aspects.

For the most part I imagine Two-Face would follow his coin for decisions on how to approach his obsession.

In terms of how he could meet you, it could be before or after his accident.

His insanity feeds into his obsession and you happen to be the person he pursues for whatever reason he has in mind.

I can also see Two-Face often arguing with himself on how to deal with his obsession.

As said before, part of him wants you to love him like a normal person, while the other just wants to lock you away where only he can see you.

As his darling, you would not be able to predict his next move.

He claims all of his actions are fate.

The coin decides just what you'll two do together and how it will go.

I imagine at times Two-Face is really sweet with you.

Sometimes the old Harvey shines through with slight pity/guilt for what he's doing.

He just hopes you'll forgive him at some point, but you both must play by fate's rules.

He'd buy you all sorts of gifts when he's able to/if he could.

He really does adore you but then there's his other side.

Two-Face, the more sadistic personality, brings violence to the table.

He'd make those around you bleed for looking at you wrong.

Murder is a common thing for Two-Face.

Sometimes when you rob Gotham's banks, people have got to die.

Murdering others in order to keep you, the one person that makes him happy after the incident, is something he'd happily follow through with.

Affection with Harvey is sweet and soft, affection with Two-Face is rough and harsh.

Any time with him is like playing a game of chance.

It's sad, really, to see a man who was given so much respect fall from grace.

Harvey knows that he could've been a great friend or even lover for if he wasn't like... this.

He blames himself for making you scared.

Yet at the same time he wants to force you to just comply.

He'll take good care of you, he'll isolate you, and you can be happy.

This city corrupts people.

He used to want/wish for great things.

That's all gone now.

Now he's a man following fate, arguing with himself over what he'll do with you.

He flips a coin for everything.

Stalking, kidnapping, killing others around you, even punishments.

He flips the coin and lets fate decide.

Fate wants you two to be by each other.

Perhaps with another coin flip... he'll decide on if he wishes to be your friend or something more.

Nothing is up to you to decide.

He even tells you he isn't making the decision himself.

It's all in the coin, it's all on fate now.

You should be happy!

It's clear you're both meant to be....

Any sort of companionship with him has its up and downs.

Perhaps if you anger him enough he may hurt you, flipping a coin to decide if it's worth it.

Hell, with him, your entire life is decided with coin flips.

He relies on it to tell him what to do.

Heads, he keeps you in locked room.

Tails, he lets you go.

Heads, he stalks you tonight.

Tails, he leaves you alone.

Heads, he kills off that friend of yours around you all the time.

Tails, he solves the issue by having his goons take you away.

You never feel like you're winning with him.

Two-Face does what he wishes and calls it fate.

At least that's what you assume.

You wonder if one day he'll flip the coin to just end you.

But he'd never.

You are what makes him feel like Harvey.

A slight sense of normalcy, someone who gives him a sense tranquility.

He needs you, regardless of what you think.

No matter what you say you won't get your way.

Sometimes he even gives you the illusion of choice, flipping that dreaded coin to see if he'll listen to you.

Wish for more freedom or space? He'll flip a coin.

There's a good chance you won't win any argument with him.

However, sometimes he decides to be merciful and says fate's won in your favor.

But it's always small things.

A companionship/relationship with Two-Face is unpredictable, yet one factor is always the same.

You'll never win his coin flip games... which means you'll be his forever and always, because fate has decided so.

[farmerstarter]

"Songs the Bachelors and Bachelorettes Listen To" Headcanons (Part 1: Bachelors)

This is inspired by @stardew-shitposterino ! I saw their post, where you can read here, and I wanted my own take on it. This was super fun to write. I'll have part 2 with the bachelorettes posted tomorrow. Also, the wildest shit just happened, I got into a biking accident lol! Anyways. Thanks for stopping by! All likes and reblogs are appreciated 🌷🤍

ʚ🏈ɞ ˚ · . Alex :

🏈 I'd like to imagine Alex would listen to the most bubbly songs while exercising. He plays Cupid by FIFTY FIFTY while lifting weights.

🏈 Half his music playlist is filled with music that Haley listens to because he can't be bothered to curate his own.

🏈 Hypes himself up before practicing gridball by listening to "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor and ends his practice by listening to "The Final Countdown" by Europe.

🏈 Doesn't shuffle his songs so he knows he's supposed to do one exercise when a certain song plays. Like, "Oh it's 'OMG' by NewJeans, I should be doing push ups rn"

🏈 Knows old songs by Nat King Cole, The Ronettes, and Percy Sledge to name a few because his grandparents like to listen to them during the weekends.

ʚ📜ɞ ˚ · . Elliott :

📜 Knows Sea Shanties because of Willy. Elliott reads on the bench by Willy's Shop while Willy was fishing and the fisherman just started singing. It would be cute to imagine that it happened because Elliott was tapping his foot in a slow rhythm and Willy started singing along with it.

📜 Elliott's knowledge on sea shanties gets even more deeper the more he hangs out with Willy. Willy invites Elliott to join him on his boat to do some deep fishing and Elliott knows like ten sea shanties by the time they get back to shore.

📜 He knows some classical pieces and plays them on his piano when he doesn't want to write for the day. Sometimes he'd compose his own songs on the spot.

📜 Dude goes main character mode and listens to songs by Cigarettes After Sex, like "Heavenly" and "John Wayne", sitting on the sand while watching the sun rise.

📜 He's a hopeless romantic, he listens to a lot of love songs. Ranging from old to new love songs, Elliott enjoys listening to the lyrics to somehow get inspired by them. It's funny to think that some of Elliott's compliments are low-key lyrics. Like, "I wish you bluebirds in the spring and to give your heart a song to sing" ('I Wish You Love' by Lisa Ono) and "Mine to have when the now and the here disappear" ('Again' by Doris Day). And it's completely unintentional. He doesn't even realize he's doing that. He just listens to romance songs too much.

ʚ🛩️ɞ ˚ · . Harvey :

🛩️ Listens to The Carpenters. "Yesterday Once More", "Top of the World", "I Won't Last A Day Without You" all that stuff. He plays it in the clinic but only when Maru isn't there because he doesn't want to bother her with his song choices. Sometimes, he'd hum out the tune while examining patients. He just enjoys how soothing they sound.

🛩️ Speaking of soothing, he likes listening to slow songs to fall asleep to. Has a whole playlist for it too that's exactly 8 hours long. He goes straight to sleep when the first song finishes and wakes up just when the last song ends.

🛩️ He has a Walkman Cassette Player. He uses it when he does his aerobics classes. Listens to just about any song on it, really. Anything that makes it seem like time is going faster is great. OH. Wait. Maybe, the ladies end up having Harvey's cassette play on a stationary cassette player that Caroline has after Harvey lets them listen to it. They all found Harvey's song choices delightful.

🛩️ He offers music therapy. They're informal sessions at most but Harvey spends a lot of time making personalized playlists. Like full on carefully and heavily curated to match specific needs and moods for his patients. It skyrockets his music knowledge to the roof.

ʚ🎸ɞ ˚ · . Sam :

🎸 He has the most random and eclectic music taste. Ranges from Rock Music and Skate Punk to Vocaloid and Video Game music. He'd be listening to "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses for one moment then listen to the "Donky Kong Country Theme" the next.

🎸 He tries to copy the guitar riffs in some songs, not stopping until he can play it in one go. By the time he's done that countless of times, both Jodi and Vincent know what song he's playing based on the first few seconds of it.

🎸 Is the one to initiate a sing along in the Stardrop Saloon on Fridays. And he's always down to do karaoke. He's even suggested some more music-centered activities to do in town events. And he managed to convince Mayor Lewis to have him be DJ during the Summer Luau but only when he promised not to add anything disgusting into the potluck.

🎸 Teaches Vincent to play the drums when the kid doesn't have any classes. It all started with Sam letting his brother hit the crash cymbal for the end of a song he was playing. Then it all went up from there. Sam starts with the basics then lets Vincent play whatever. It's a noisy few weeks in the household but Jodi appreciates her boys spending more time together.

🎸 He has playlists for all situations.

ʚ👾ɞ ˚ · . Sebastian :

👾 This dude listens to Bonobo and Aphex Twin when programming. Better yet, Sam made him a playlist specifically for when he's programming and Sebastian doesn't skip any of the songs. That's a lie. He skips the songs that Sam put in there to mess with him like "CBAT" by Hudson Mohawke and Sam's poorly sung cover of "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade.

👾 You know how some of us would stay up until 3 am to complete a project before a deadline and listen to energetic songs while doing them so we won't fall asleep? Sebastian does that. Songs like "Caramelldansen" by the Caramella Girls, "Bumblebee" by Bambee, and "Superstar" by Toy-Box to name a few. Just the idea of Sebastian hunched over his computer with those songs playing while Sam is fully jamming in the background is great.

👾 Listens to the dirtiest songs with the straightest face ever.

👾 I'm all for villagers interacting with each other so consider Sebastian and Elliott being unlikely acquaintances after Sebastian showed Elliott the wonders of the synthesizer.

👾 When his mind wanders, he ends up humming out the tune that Abigail plays with her flute.

ʚ🐣ɞ ˚ · . Shane :

🐣 Sings to his chickens. He does, you know he does. Even sings in accents when he's bored enough. Jas found out he does that after going in Shane's coop, thinking a stranger was trying to steal her uncle's chickens. But no, it's just Shane singing "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton with a British accent.

🐣 Always has his headphones on during work at the Joja Market so no one would bother him. There wouldn't even be a song playing, he just wears them. One time Sam tried to get his attention but Shane outright ignores him even when Sam pointed out his headphones aren't even connected to anything.

🐣 I like to think that Shane is a fan of Indie Folk and he listens to songs by Bon Iver when walking to work. "Beach Baby" is his favorite song.

🐣 Since Shane's always the last one to leave the Saloon, Gus would let him pick what songs to play in the jukebox until the saloon closes. Even after Shane stopped drinking alcohol, he and Gus would spend time together at the late hours of the night talking, listening to whatever song Shane played.

[stardew-shitposterino]

Stardew Valley Bachelors playing Overcooked with the farmer

I played overcooked with my brother today and it gave me this idea. It’s a bit niche but who cares? I don’t ✨

Sam:

-will scream the entire time

-starts off chill, grows more and more stressed the longer you play

-“I’M THE RACOON GUY!”

-has no fucking plan whatsoever, don’t even try to explain a plan to him

-just go with the flow with him… it is all chaos anyway

-overall not the best at the game, but he is the most fun to play with out of all 6 bachelors

Sebastian:

-he is the opposite of Sam…maybe not entirely

-so he’s really strategic

-will scream the entire time as well (don’t take it personally, he’s s just very passionate about it)

-he’s the grumpy dark cat lol

-loves the very hard levels with the changing kitchens because then he can plan out how you go about it entirely. As I said, he’s a very passionate gamer

-you’ll play the levels over and over again till you have 3 stars…so buckle up 😼

Harvey:

-the last time he played any video game was when he was a child and had a Nintendo 64 🤷🏼‍♀️

-sooo,,,he’s really not good 😭

-he is a well-tempered person, but OH BROTHER

-run for the hills when he loses at video games

-such a sore loser, he’s so eager to beat the levels but he isn’t that good at coordinating his character which puts him in a very rarely-seen temper tantrum

-“WHAT THE?! I DID THE THING SO WHY ISN’T HE DOING WHAT I WANT FOR FUCK’S SAKE !?” (He never says ‘fuck’, so it means he is MAD ANGRY)

-he’s the squirrel with the nice moustache…you know why 😘

Elliott:

-he’s not really the gamer type, soooo he has no clue what he’s doing

-but surprisingly, he is not too bad

-in fact, he gets the hang of it really fast for a guy who never plays video games

-not related to the game, but he loves it when you sit in his lap while playing 🥰 he likes having you close

-since there isn’t one character that really looks like him, he’s taking the narwhal or some other sea creature,,, he just thinks they are neat 🤷🏼‍♀️

-will be so proud of you when you manage to beat a level with 3 stars

-“we make such a great team, right y/n? 😄”

Shane:

-old-school gamer, baby

-like Harvey, he started his gaming career with Nintendo 64 and Sega Genesis, but he never stopped and it became one of his main hobbies

-is a sore loser as well, so he’ll complain about fucking up…A LOT

-“WHAT ARE YOU DOING !? GIVE ME THE FUCKING ONION!!!WE ARE LOSING TIME, BABE!!!!”

-stress snacker. If you have snacks on the table, he’ll grab in the bowl and eat them all while you’re playing

-when you win a level, he’ll be way too enthusiastic…I’m talking giving you an aggressive kiss on either the lips or cheeks and being like “WOOOOHOOO WE FUCKING RULE THIS BITCH”

-plays as either the eagle or the calico cat. If there was a chicken, he’d be that lol

Alex:

-he’s one of the younger bachelors, but video games? It’s not his forté

-he was the kind of kid to play outside, he was rarely in his room doing something…so he isn’t that good 😅

-he is like your grandma who just got her first smartphone

-he doesn’t really get anything and is really just bumming about, so you carry the both of you to at least 2 stars

-he’s very competitive though; so he’ll still try to be good for you (and his ego)

-he sucks ASS sorry baby boy 😭🥹

-his favourite character is the guy with sunglasses 😎 because he looks like him

[nitrateglow]

Spooky Season 2024: 12-22

Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (dir. Richard Friedman, 1989)

The opening of the new mall is hampered by one thing: a Phantom hiding in the air vents, and committing robbery and murder. It turns out this Phantom is really a teenager named Eric (Derek Rydall) disfigured in a fire set by the mall's developers to clear out any remaining houses impeding their dreams of commercial development. Now, Eric plans on having his revenge and watching over his girlfriend Melody (Kari Whitman), now an employee of the mall. But what will he make of her burgeoning romance with a journalist?

Talk about pure '80s cheese. This film feels like it was made to capitalize on the slasher cycle and the popularity of the Andrew Lloyd Weber Phantom of the Opera megamusical. It's not a particularly good movie, but it is dumb fun. I love how this Phantom makes free use of the goods available in the stores and how he spams his spin kick attack like he's in a video game.

Also, Pauly Shore is in this. He has a great scene talking about subliminal messaging in department stores, but is otherwise the usual Pauly Shore.

Hangover Square (dir. John Brahm, 1945)

Musician George Harvey Bone (Laird Cregar) is disturbed by long sessions in which he blacks out. He fears he may be committing murder, but is reassured by the police when he goes to them that isn't likely. Detective Dr. Allen Middleton (George Saunders) advises the overworked George take a break from composing. George does so by going to a pub where he meets the lovely Netta Longdon (Linda Darnell), a music hall entertainer who dreams of fame. George and Netta enter into a toxic relationship in which she uses him to advance her career while seeing other men on the side. When George discovers her treachery, his blackouts return-- this time in a far more violent form.

I'm starting to become fascinated by John Brahm, a director best remembered for his moody, macabre dramas in the 1940s. Hangover Square was his second and final collaboration with the talented but doomed Laird Cregar, who died two months before the film was released. It's as much a noir as a horror picture, drenched in that chiaroscuro lighting and urban dread so common to the classic cycle.

Cregar is astonishing in the lead role. Though handsome, he was a bigger man, so Hollywood refused to allow him to transition into leading man parts. He is marvelous here, passionate and sensitive, yet also sinister once his jealous rage takes over. I've seen Cregar in multiple films and he was truly fantastic, able to be comic as well as dramatic. Hollywood didn't deserve him.

Lastly, Linda Darnell's character sings this really catchy song when Cregar first sees her. I saw this film weeks ago but it is STILL STUCK IN MY HEAD.

The Sealed Room (dir. DW Griffith, 1909)

In some nondescript time period (everyone's dressed like it's either the early 18th century or the middle ages), a king (Arthur V. Johnson) learns his mistress (Marion Leonard) is smooching with a musician (Henry B. Walthall). Jealous to the point of rage, he has the couple sealed in a small room where they suffocate to death.

The Sealed Room is a gem from the nickelodeon era, though I admit my liking for it comes from how extra all the performances are, even by the standards of the early silent period.

It also has one of my favorite instances of what I like to call "silent film logic"-- that is, scenes featuring action that would be very loud in real life, but in a silent film, you may not think about it as much. Here, the king has the lovers walled up alive in a small room, where they lounge unaware. And yet, there's workers slapping up a brick wall not ten feet away from them! It's very amusing.

Frankenhooker (dir. Frank Henenlotter, 1990)

When his girlfriend Elizabeth (Patty Mullen) gets hacked to death by an automatic lawnmower he built, medical student Jeffrey (James Lorinz) decides to resurrect her by killing sex workers for their shapely body parts then sewing Elizabeth's severed head on top. He does this by having his victims smoke explosive crack.

No, I'm not making this up.

I first heard about Frankenhooker from James Rolfe of Angry Video Game Nerd fame. It sounded so insane that I knew I had to watch it. It's-- well, it's definitely a bizarre movie with lots of crude humor and pitch black jokes.

Would you believe me if I said it was kind of an unsung feminist work? I definitely did not expect THAT angle coming in, but that messaging is definitely there. Jeffrey is a villain-protagonist through and through, even before he starts committing murder. We learn he was already demanding Elizabeth modify her appearance to suit his tastes before she got killed. He views women as more a collection of body parts than proper people. However, his misogyny does catch up with him in the end and his fate at the resurrected Elizabeth's hands is the very definition of irony. I don't want to spoil it.

It's definitely not for everyone, but if you have a sick sense of humor and some friends that share that humor, you'll have a good time.

Friday the 13th: Part 2 (dir. Steve Miner, 1981)

A summer camp close to the infamous Camp Crystal Lake is about to open. Little do the young, horny counselors know, Jason (Warrington Gillette and Steve Daskewicz)-- the boy that allegedly drowned long ago-- is still alive and he's mad his mama got decapitated in the previous film. Lots of people die.

I confess I have a hard time getting into these Friday the 13th films. I've read it took a few entries for the series to find its footing as gloriously dumb schlock, but the first one and this sequel were mostly boring for me. About all I liked was the last twenty minutes, when the heroine's background in child psychology comes into play. Otherwise, this gets a big meh from me. Not horrible, but nothing I can imagine I'll ever rewatch.

Corridor of Mirrors (dir. Terence Young, 1948)

A party girl (Edana Romney) becomes involved with a Renaissance era-obessed artist (Eric Portman). Their fetishistic relationship leads to heartbreak and murder.

Already discussed this one is great detail at my Wordpress blog. It's a great romantic thriller in the vein of Vertigo and Rebecca.

The Old Dark House (dir. James Whale, 1932)

During a thunderstorm, a group of unwary British travelers are marooned at the crumbling mansion of the Femm family, a collection of eccentrics who may be insane. Everything goes wrong: the hulking butler gets drunk and preys on the women visitors, the area may flood, the lights go out, and there may be a homicidal maniac imprisoned in one of the rooms upstairs. Will anyone survive the night?

I have raved about this film for a long time now. It's truly a favorite of mine in general, not just for the Halloween season. Both witty and chilling, it's an atmospheric masterpiece. The damp and mold are palpable.

What fascinates me most is the Femm family itself and the gaps in their backstory. This is one movie where I feel like there's a Tolstoyan novel's worth of drama with the Femms. It's hinted that the 102-year-old patriarch of the house (played in drag by actress Elspeth Dudgeon) used to host orgies there. The death of the seductive sister Rebecca at the age of 21 may or may not have been due to inter-family foul play. Morgan the butler has a close, even weirdly tender relationship with the homicidally insane brother Saul, suggesting a myriad of possible connections between them. It's very interesting-- I like that the movie doesn't fill in all the blanks.

A Game of Death (dir. Robert Wise, 1945)

Don Rainsford (John Loder), big game hunter extraordinaire, finds himself shipwrecked on a mysterious island. The owner is Erich Kriegler (Edgar Barrier), an urbane German who also enjoys hunting, though with a slight difference-- he likes hunting humans. Teaming up with other shipwreck survivors Ellen (Audrey Long) and Robert (Russell Wade), Don tries finding a way to escape before they become Kriegler's next wall trophies.

This movie is a pallid, watered down, shot-for-shot remake of The Most Dangerous Game, one of the crown jewels of 1930s horror, so of course, I am not fond of it. And yet, I rewatch it every few years, so it must have something going for it. So instead of tearing into it as I normally do, I'll list a few things I think are actually good about it:

I like that the main character initially tries tricking Kriegler into thinking he will hunt people with him. Very pro-active.

I think Kriegler is a good villain. Not as memorably deranged and campy as Leslie Banks' Zaroff in the original film, but chilling in a more low-key way. His "the strong deserve to prey upon the weak" philosophy fits in nicely with Nazi ideologies-- no doubt what this wartime horror flick intended.

Um... I think Audrey Long is really pretty. I like her flow-y outfits.

... Yeah, that's it.

The Most Dangerous Game (dir. Ernest B. Schoedsack and Irving Pichel, 1932)

All-American big game hunter Bob Rainsford (Joel McCrea) is shipwrecked on the unlisted island of Count Zaroff (Leslie Banks), a Russian aristocrat and master sportsman who claims he now hunts "the most dangerous game" of all. Being a himbo, it takes Bob a while before he realizes that game is human beings. Unwilling to hunt alongside Zaroff when given the offer, Rainsford and fellow prisoner Eve Trowbridge (Fay Wray) wage a game with Zaroff: let loose into the island's thick jungle, if they survive the night without Zaroff or the terrain killing them, they'll go free. If not, Rainsford dies and Eve will become a rather different kind of quarry for the evil count.

Now, here's my favorite "hunter hunts people" movie! While "The Most Dangerous Game" has been adapted and ripped off multiple times for a century, the original is still hard to beat. The castle set drips with gothic grandeur. The jungle soundstage is thick and suffocating, and once the chase intensifies, it becomes like something out of a nightmare.

I actually think the climactic hunt is among the greatest sequences in all cinema. The editing is so dynamic and the images are brilliant. And when you consider this is still an early talkie, when films were still trying to rediscover their footing after silent cinema came to an end, it becomes even more remarkable.

Going on Letterboxd, I was shocked to find a lot of people on there have mixed to negative opinions about this movie, largely because they think it's too over the top and that it's messaging is too on the nose.

I mean-- yes, these things are true, but I don't see them as flaws. It probably helps that I love camp and melodrama, and am not ashamed to admit it. And regardless of the fervent camp on display, I still think the trophy room scene is creepy and the chase is super intense. I have probably seen this movie close to a hundred times and yet, the chase still has me shouting at the TV, willing the characters to run faster. That's damn fine filmmaking.

The Haunting (dir. Robert Wise, 1963)

A researcher of the paranormal brings a motley crew of ordinary people into the allegedly haunted Hill House. Both potential ghosts and the neuroses of the visitors bring on sinister events and ultimately tragedy.

I love this movie more and more. I already wrote a bit about my reaction this time around, though since then, I started rereading the source novel, Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House. Obviously, the book delves more deeply into Eleanor's psyche, but the film does a fantastic job of this as well. Given film is a visual medium, it can be a challenge to depict a character's interior state without delving into expressionism and this film does that well.

The Phantom of the Opera (dir. Terence Fisher, 1962)

Aspiring songstress Christine Charles (Heather Sears) and producer Harry Hunter (Edward de Souza) are drawn into a mystery at the London Opera House. A phantom is sabotaging any attempt to produce Joan of Arc: A Tragedy, a show allegedly written by the cold, snobby, rapey Lord Ambrose (Michael Gough). After some investigating, it turns out the Phantom (Herbert Lom) was once the meek-mannered Professor Petrie, whose music was stolen by Ambrose. Now, he wants only to see his opera done justice and only Christine's voice can make that happen.

I am very fond of this version of The Phantom of the Opera even though I think it has a myriad of dramatic flaws. Let's get the flaws out the way first. I think the film is a bit repetitive in retelling us Petrie's story over and over, at first through onscreen description and then through filmed depiction. I also think the ending is anti-climactic, like the writers didn't want to go the usual route of making the Phantom a homicidal maniac but they weren't sure how to make a properly dramatic finish without that characterization.

That out the way, this is a unique, even refreshing retelling in many ways. The Phantom/Christine relationship is no longer one of unrequited love-- in fact, Petrie seems wholly uninterested in romance or sex at all. He views Christine and himself as victims of the truly despicable Lord Ambrose: Petrie had his music stolen and Christine was sexually harrassed. Therefore, it is up to the two of them to wrest the opera back from Amrbose's influence and make it the production Petrie wanted. Petrie is one hard taskmaster. He is relentless in training Christine and at one point throws filthy sewer-water in her face when she faints.

But the Phantom is hardly an out and out villain here. He doesn't even kill people-- he has a convenient hunchbacked assistant to do that. No, the real baddie is Ambrose, among the nastiest villains in the Hammer canon. Ambrose never even kills anyone, yet he makes the blood boil with his wanton cruelty. Michael Gough (who I always remember best as Alfred in the Tim Burton Batman movies, as well as Batman Forever and Batman and Robin) is so good at being bad.

This version of POTO also has my favorite version of the Phantom's compositions. Usually, he writes a "burning" piece called Don Juan Triumphant, fitting his romantic obsession with Christine. Here, Petrie writes an opera about Joan of Arc, a virginal saint persecuted by powerful men-- a fitting subject for Petrie given his own persecution by an aristocrat. Joan's aria "I Hear Your Voice" is gorgeous and always brings me to tears, it's that beautiful.

Not a perfect film, but still a very good one.