#i love the silliness and weirdness of the second episode but the first one irritated me

[aiteanngaelach]

the problem with dr who is that its got so many fundamentally shitty and annoying aspects and half that shit appeals to me. and the other half annoys the shit out of me

[funnywormz]

(a day late but) for the fandom asks, 3 for both lister and rimmer?

OMG FUCK YES also don't worry abt being late im always up for ask games they're a lot of fun hehe

putting this one under a readmore bc i have a lot to say lol

i will do lister first and rimmer second!

003 | give me a character and i will tell you...

how i feel about this character:

OUGH. i love lister so much. he's my favourite character for sure although rimmer is a close second. he's just such a fun silly guy but with this sad side to him....... i rlly appreciate how he's shown as tough and masculine and yet he's allowed to have hobbies like knitting and cry at romantic movies and care abt his friends without it being mocked. he's not a perfect person but i adore him anyways. very relatable at times as well lol. i also have a massive crush on him i think abt kissing him at least once a day hehehehehe

any/all the people i ship romantically with this character:

definitely rimmer ofc. maybe ace as well??? kinda??? but since ace is still just another rimmer idk if that even counts lmao. basically it's just rimmer

my favourite non-romantic relationship for this character/favourite friendship for this character (im combining these questions bc they're kinda the same thing?):

ouuuuuh probably his friendship with kryten? i love how he genuinely respects kryten and how kryten is so adoring of him. kryten is kinda like a weird mum to him and it's so so funny and cute they're so silly. it makes me happy whenever they interact, esp when kryten coddles him and is sweet with him despite lister being a grown man lmao.

also it's kinda cheating to use them twice but i love lister and rimmer's friendship in a platonic way as well. they're just always hilarious whenever they're onscreen together and the way they bounce off each other is extremely fun

my unpopular opinion about this character:

idk if this is rlly unpopular but i get a little frustrated by his inconsistent characterisation in the show, esp in s8 compared to other seasons. i get that he does whatever the writers think is funniest but sometimes he does or says something and im like ":( lister wouldn't say that......." even though he is literally saying it in canon lol

also i think he needs more love in the fandom maybe. or more fics abt him getting a hug or something. this dude is depressed and lonely as hell and it makes me so sad can rimmer give him a hug PLEASE

one thing i wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon:

i wish his relationship with kochanski had gotten a proper resolution/he could move on from her and stop pursuing her romantically....... ive made longer posts abt this before but i just feel like his initial crush on her was just a shallow schoolboy kind of crush and it feels like a disservice to both of them that he's still chasing after her after getting to know her and them clearly not being romantically compatible. like in some episodes they're best friends but then the writing goes back to having lister treat her like an object rather than a person and it irritates me. i wish they could just be friends bc i adore their friendship and when lister interacts with her in a platonic way it's clear that there's such a fun dynamic there but it was utilised so rarely :(

my crossover ship:

ohhhh i don't rlly tend to do crossover ships so this was a hard one....... not rlly a ship more of a friendship but i would love to see him interact with the doctor from dr who lol. ik it's kind of a predictable choice as a crossover bc they're both british sci fi but i think depending on the iteration of the doctor they could either get along rlly well or hate each other and either way it would be very very funny.

i also think it would be fun to do a disco elysium crossover sometime. i would love to know what he'd think of harry and kim, i have a feeling he'd get along rlly well with kim but maybe that's just me

OK NOW I WILL DO RIMSY >:-)

003 | give me a character and i will tell you...

how i feel about this character:

ohhh i hate him but i love him so much. an awful person but a great character and unfortunately very relatable sometimes. i want to hug him and hold him so gently but i also want to put him in a hydraulic press. out of all of the rd characters he's probably the one i think about the most unfortunately. you know how it is

any/all the people i ship romantically with this character:

lister of course! and ig some of the au listers, like the one in the rat universe lol. but really it's just the main lister tbh. i just can't see him with anyone else

my favourite non-romantic relationship/friendship for this character:

sorry but it's lister again lol. like his friendship with lister. their dynamic is just so fun, i think my all time favourite scenes are the ones where they're together....... moonlight and sunlight etc etc etc

my unpopular opinion about this character:

it's a pretty generic opinion but i don't believe that any of his attempts at flirting with women/seeming attracted to women in canon are genuine lol. it always feels very forced and unnatural to me. that man is a deeply closeted and confused gay boy and i can't see him any other way tbh. i think he WANTS to be straight so bad but he is not. not even a little bit

one thing i wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon:

i wish his character development would stick more! like ik he has to be bitchy for the comedy and that's fine im not saying he has to suddenly be nice or whatever but it's frustrating to see him grow a little bit as a person or overcome one of his insecurities only to go back to being even worse than before in the very next episode........ he is a little more mellow in later seasons than he was in the earlier ones but not by much, and i feel like things like learning abt his real father and going off to be ace and stuff should have had a real visible impact on him instead of just. not changing anything lol

my crossover ship:

once again. not rlly a ship thing but the disco elysium crossover. i just think it would be funny. he would probably try to schmooze up to kim and harry and get in their good books bc he sees them as being in a position of authority but i think he would secretly hate them so bad and it would probably be kinda obvious lmao. i think kim would absolutely despise him

also i want to lock him in a room with spamton deltarune for a few hours and see who goes insane first

[thelovelybitten]

vera’s first watch of south park — season six (part 1)

i’m blazing thru these seasons like it’s nothing omg. happy tho, i like it more and more each day.

EPISODE 1:

new intro ???? the old one will be missed

TIMMY TIMMY TIMMY TIMMY best part of the new intro

THE BUTTERS SHOW GHBGBFDJ HE’S SO JFKBSKJD

butters why are u in kenny’s sweater

oh. that’s why

stan still referring to butters as kenny haha

kyle spitting facts. once again

STAN NOT THE LYING

KYLE TRYING NOT TO LAUGH

THEN THEY ALL WATCHING CARTMAN ON THE PHONE

nah butters was real for saying no

“kenny would have done it.” STAN NOT THE PEER PRESSURE GOOD LORD

y’all is gaslighting him >:(

oh my god.

poor butters :’(

the three boys are so terrible for this

like poor baby boy

oh no oh NO BUTTERS IS IN FOR IT

the BOYS ARE SO MEAN

BUTTERS IS SO FUCKING REAL FOR CALLING OUT THE BOYS

oh fuck the largest PUTT PUTT GOLF COURSE ?? butters winning as he should

oh god butters gonna be grounded for a decade

CARTMAN FDJBKBFDSKFS HE LOOKS SO SILLY

i know cartman ain’t abt to beat up his lovely mother BC IT’S ON SIGHT

what the FUCK CARTMAN

WHATEVER, WHATEVER THANK YOU TIKTOK

this 4 month child is wild

WHAT IS THIS MELODY BUTTERS ??#?2/31?

EPISODE 2:

i miss the old intro

wait kenny isn’t in the postcard

so he’s actually dead dead??? FUCK :’(

STOP CALLING BUTTERS KENNY >:(

i hate how they making butters do all this shit god it’s sad

wait what the fuck

EW DON’T MAKE BUTTERS EAT HIS OWN-

I’MMA THROW UP NOW

it’s AIDES NOT AIDS GOD DAMMIT

oh no butters i hope he slims down for his own sanity

cartman. don’t talk to butters to like that u are no different jackass

GUYS STOP

U ARE 9 YEARS OLD U CANNOT PERFROM LIPOSUCTION SURGERY

honestly if this gets graphic i’m skipping thru it

CARTMAN EW WHAT THE FUCK

this is so fucked up i can’t condone this my sons are feral and i wanna protect butters so badly

HE’S LITERALLY DYING CHRIS

OH LORD.

i’m so disappointed with my kids rn

like poor fuckin butters he’s so baby and he’s being bullied

what the hell oh my god the sign

butters gets beat by his own parents??? god the trauma for butters

EPISODE 3:

god this is almost unwatchable

TAKE ON ME SO REAL

where is miss liane ???

i’m so sad rn

also irritated

IKE !!!! HE’S LITTLE SKI FIT

can we get the shit off of butters’ face

OH NO IKE MY BABY

FRENCH FRIES, PIZZA

stan is like. wtf

I KNOW UR NOT SHITTING ON MY BEST SON, MY FAVE SON

stan is so unbothered as he should

the parents JUST WANNA SKI

heather?

STAN IS 8 BFFR

EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS WATCHING STAN RACE LMAO

STAN IS SO BABY FJBKDBFKDSKG

BUTTERS BUSTIN IT DOWN AS HE SHOULD HE ATE THOSE 4 SECONDS

stan: :| he’s so unfazed

AYO ???? I’M WORRIED FOR STANLEY

he’s GOT HEATHER ???

YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HEATHER

i wish wendy was the female lead fucking missed opportunity

let’s GO SKIER!STAN

hc: stan is so athletic, football? baseball? skiing? HE IS A BEAST

i also hc stan being good at hockey too

let’s GO STAN MY BOYYYY

kyle looking at a picture of him and stan style crumbs

stan is doing so well i love him

NOT THE TITS KNSGBSBSD

stan main slayer

so FUCKING WEIRD

EPISODE 4:

okay boys this show is. a choice.

SHELLY WATCHING BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER SO REAL AND TRUE OF HER

y’all robbing butters

OOP. CARTMAN.

BUTTERS IS STILL HOLDING SHELLY’S TAMPONS GSKBDSGBKS

kids YOU CAN’T GO INTO A BAR

boat going through anger management i would too

DAMN SHELLY GOING THRU IT

i feel u miss girl, i feel u.

lord LMAOOOOOO

*immediately calls clyde* so FUCKING VALID

EPISODE 5:

my fucking KIDS I HAVE MISSED THEM SO

YO WHAT THE FUCK NOT THE CASUAL BEHEADING

SAVE THE BBY COWS

KYLE DON’T DO IT

cartman is A FREAK

kyle destroying cartman as he should

stan in HIS LITTLE SPY SUIT

“we have to carry them one by one” is carrying TWO AT A TIME

stan fighting his parents SO SLAY OF HIM

KYLE ATE TOO

oh no BUTTERS U GOT THIS

BUTTERS NAMED ALL THE COWS OMG A BABY

LIANE A QUEEN

stan becoming a vegan??? he won’t last i’m sorry

craig’s FAMILY JKFDSNJKFDKS

i love dogs thank u for ur service

cartman IS SLAYING FOR THIS

8 FUCKING DAYS HOLY SHIT

stan looks so bad omg

wtf

TOLD Y’ALL HE COULDN’T BE VEGAN

lowkey this is fuel for my fanfic

[deltaengineering]

that was the winter anime 2021 that was

Still not quite ready for a dozen posts about how terrible the likes of Combatants Will Be Dispatched are, sorry. Watch Vivy though, it owns. Here’s some more things that are (mostly) good. As always, worst to best.

Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki S3

Yatogame has long run out of hot Nagoya facts and its ensemble comedy never amounted to much, so now it seems mostly content to just spam more and more wacky character designs. About the only thing that it has left going for it is that 3 minutes a week are more effort to drop than to watch, so I expect them to make a movie next. 4/10

Go-toubun no Hanayome S2

Quints is a weird one. S1 was a barely good enough (i.e., well above average) implementation of the ages old harem chestnut. S2 is actually better at the core of its appeal, since it gives all the characters a sharper profile (things like taking Nino from joke to badass and making Ichika a villain are no mean feat), but it does pay a steep price for it. You see, to deliver a steady drip feed of meaningful character moments it apparently has to rush through the source material at a breakneck pace, which completely wrecks the "story" part of this story and makes every episode seem like a recap. And it still keeps wasting precious time on vestigial nonsense like its framing device and the Kyoto flashback scenario that was already the worst part of S1. But by far the most annoying aspect is its insistence on keeping all the options valid, since it prevents any real progress and makes everything seem arbitrary and pointless. So sure enough, after a season of much ado we still don't end up anywhere — you can't really raise the stakes if all at stake was "who wins" to begin with. It's watchable and even enjoyable scene-for-scene but it's getting harder and harder to call it a solid show overall. 5/10

Skate Leading Stars

I was watching this primarily because I didn't like Yuri on Ice much and wanted to see if something that is a blatant attempt to cash in on it would be better — because while YoI delivers on one aspect (being hella gay), it really is an absolute shambles of a sports show. And sure enough, Skate Leading has none of the auteur appeal of YoI, but it just works much better. In particular I appreciate how it managed to make me care even a little about a cast of assholes, which is a nice contrast to the nauseatingly ingratiating way YoI tries to make you love its characters. Also, Skate Leading is just generally cheap and unambitious, so not susceptible to trying hard and painfully flaming out on the presentation side like YoI is. But at some point you gotta let go of these comparisons and on its own Skate Leading is... just fine, I guess? Competent, mildly engaging, not very memorable. And that's probably where it loses to Yuri on Ice in the end after all, even if I think it's "better". 6/10

Idoly Pride

Idoly Pride sold itself on me with a really good (and hilarious/tragic) first episode that was just too bizarre to ignore — I mean, how can you ignore GHOST IDOL MANAGERS. Well, the majority of the show isn't like that. It's a competent and solid version of the idol franchise show, yes, but it really had more potential than that. Especially midseason, it gets lost in these dozens of characters, and while they're all likeable, it does seem like a waste of a good story just centered on Mana/Kotona/Sakura. By the end it comes back around to the heart of the matter with a Maeda-style sob story, which could be a disaster but seasoned veteran Jukki Hanada makes it work anyway. Overall, there's quite a bit of ridiculous hacky melodrama in this, but quite honestly that's the best part and I wish it would concentrate more on it. The rest is just okay. 6/10

Yuru Camp S2

Yuru Camp is still likely the best pure iyashikei show when it gets down to business. Compared to S1 though, this seems to happen less and less. At its peaks (i.e., basically any quiet moment with Rin) it's at least as good as ever, and there's some good cast additions like Mini-Inuko, but it appears that Yuru Camp simply has run out of things you can do with camping and it fills up the time with other... stuff. This stuff includes the generic school club shenanigans it was never particularly good at, and a gigantic helping of crass consumerism. Yeah, I would say the majority of Yuru Camp is just a straight up infomercial at this point, which itself ranges from the perfectly acceptable (which cute anime isn't about food constantly), to the sketchy (I don't know whether the Izu tourism board cut this production a fat check, but if they didn't, Yuru Camp still gives its best effort to make it seem that way) to the highly irritating – I am aware that camping requires gear and you can't just ignore that, but you most definitely do not require whole arcs dedicated to talking about raising funds for the purposes of acquiring the Lamp of Comfy Happiness at your friendly local Caribou™ either. Not to mention an arc where the aforementioned lame school club does the same, for double irritation. Make no mistake, this show is so riddled with scenes that beg for a solution to embed affiliate links in video files that it makes me wish I was watching something as anticapitalist and underground as Love Live. And irritating really is the last thing a show with this core concept, as stellar as it is at that, can afford to be. Bummer. 6/10

SKOO the Infinity

Skoo has one really huge asset: ADAM, its magnificent villain. It also has one really huge liability: Reki, its not magnificent protagonist. To be more specific, it's very good at anything outrageous, physics-defying and silly, such as most scenes ADAM is in, and quite bad at anything serious, dramatic (in a serious way) and down to earth, such as most scenes Reki is in. So, what's the verdict? Well, the rest of the cast is more ADAM-like, and Reki's co-protagonist Langa is fine as the straight (yeah, right) man. The tedious buddy drama is a comparatively small part of this show, and at least it pays off quite well in the end. Seriously, I was ready to give this a 6, but the final episode is probably the best one of the show, in all of its aspects. That's really not something you see often. Skoo's a great time. Except when it's not. 7/10

Non Non Biyori Nonstop

Speaking of the rare good ending, what about we gave one of those to a slim and inconsequential slice-of-life show? NNB has always been solid, comfy and amusing quality with a couple of standout moments (usually something with Renge), and Nonstop has that plus an ending as conclusive as any show of this type is ever going to have. Besides, it does a lot of things right by focusing on more characters than the central 4 (especially Konomi has great material in S3), it expands the universe just enough to not get stale, and it moves things forward — It's definitely a lot better than the movie, is what I'm saying. Apart from that, well, we're three seasons in, if you have any interest in this you probably don't need me to explain what's good about NNB at this point. Bonus points for being nothing but an ad for the manga. 7/10

Wonder Egg Priority

Oh boy, so here's the big one. Wonder Egg is the rare Meaningful Arthouse Show About Real Issues You Guys, as you might have heard. And well, the long and short of it is that it's a very good show with quite a few glaring problems (besides not actually being finished due to production issues, but what we have is enough of an ending to be able to meaningfully talk about it). In particular, one problem: WEP is, at its core, one of these metaphorical Magical Girl-ish series that are just a thin layer of abstraction over coming-of-age or societal problems. The issue is that "metaphorical" in this case means "literal" and "thin" means "basically nonexistent". This show is not subtle regarding what it's about, at all. This is a double-edged sword — on the positive side, some things really should just be said aloud, and I'm really, really fucking tired of the Ikuhara style of "here's some wacky things, maybe a blog post will eventually tell you how it's actually about the most important thing ever" obfuscation — if it's really so important, just spell it out. On the other hand, there are limits to this and when a second, different Ai appears I don't really need a voiceover line telling me that yep, this show is about parallel universes now. WEP spells out many important things, but it also spells out many things that are implicitly clear or better left vague. Not to mention that with being so obvious up front, the show's tendency to leave figuring out what it's actually saying about it up to the viewer can leave the wrong impression. Again, I settled on the opinion that it's subtle after all where it counts the most, but you might easily get the impression that it pulls its punches (Ikuhara does this the exact other way around — once you figure out what the fuck he's talking about it's abundantly clear what he's saying about it).

In fact, this show is so good at subtle, quiet character moments that it calls into question the need for big huge fighting fantasy layer in the first place, especially since I'm not a fan of the fantasy designs and the fights aren't great. Sure, they look impressive on a technical level (this show is very good looking in general), but the lack of actual impact or rhythm makes me think this is not made by people who are very familiar with action and maybe they should have asked some seasoned shounen veterans for this — or just, you know, not do it. They can (and do) impress with character acting in quiet scenes just the same. And while Ai's character story actually does pay off quite nicely by the end we got, and Momoe and Rika are also handled well, Neiru's backstory is significantly less good, not to mention the whole Frill subplot regarding the show's mythology that they introduced just before (and that's the part to be resolved at a later date), which is a huge can of worms. We'll see how well they handle that, I suppose, but as it is it's a weird and vestigial detour that doesn't add much besides thematic headaches.

But yeah, apart from all that — I like it, a lot. Great character writing in the details, cool looks for the most part, tons of ambition, and a message that I consider to be appropriately handled — for the most part, and for now. Not quite ambitious arthouse anime at its finest, but also not a pretentious disaster like Sarazanmai, Monogatari et al. 8/10

[autoplaysdigimon]

Character Analysis: Mimi Tachikawa and Palmon

When I was a kid, I had some weird ideas about gender.

I fully bought into that “not like other girls” thing. I wasn’t interested in makeup, or clothes, or boys in the same way that the other girls seemed to be (HMMM). I didn’t like shopping, I didn’t care about being pretty, and I preferred being friends with the boys because they were doing fun things like playing Pokemon, and that’s for boys because the Pokemon toys are shelved in the boy’s toy aisle. When I was a kid, there were only two kinds of girls: those who conform to femininity entirely, and those who reject it entirely. In my mind, the spokesmodels for these two types of girls were Mimi and Sora.

This led to a whole Thing where I figured that femininity is terrible and weak and I shouldn’t strive to be like that at all. My friends, the Boys, don’t like feminine things or feminine people, and I wasn’t like that, I was cool, like them! I played Video Games and didn’t wear nail polish! I didn’t always want to gossip or go clothes shopping! In the cast of Digimon, I very much hated Mimi, and wanted to be Sora. I hated pink, I hated fashion, I hated her. 

For the longest time, I tried to get into sports. Mostly it was soccer, because that’s what they play on Digimon! (Alright, it was because that’s what Davis plays specifically. leave me alone) And it killed me that I wasn’t good at it. I didn’t understand the rules even though when I joined up they told us they’d explain the rules and they didn’t (>:[) and I wasn’t fast at running, or competitive enough to be any good. Also I was hit by the ball a lot and developed a fear of it. It ate me up for the longest time, because if I wasn’t good at sports, I must be girly, and I can’t be that, I’m not! I play the Games and everything!

It took me a long-ass time to unlearn all that gender fuckery. I embraced being girly somewhere in the teens I think, and look what happened - I’m unathletic, I like shopping (but will only barely tolerate it if it’s clothes shopping), I’m taking more of an interest in changing my appearance, sometimes I will put on A Make-up, I fucking love pink, I’m a gossipy little bitch, and I never stopped playing video games. Hell, if you’d told me as a kid that I’d end up running a blog about video games, I’d probably ask what a blog was, but I’d be proud of that. I still am.

And rewatching this series, I’ve decided that Mimi and Palmon are my favourites from this season.

Everything that irritated me about her, back then and now, is the fault of the dub writers. Every time they wanted to fill in a dramatic silence with her complaining about missing sales or chipping a nail or ruining her complexion, every time she was silly and vapid and stereotypically girly, it was unnecessary. While the others were trying to find shelter or food, she’d say something that implied that her priorities were about her appearance, not survival. The dub writing really did her a disservice, and that’s a real shame because she’s such an interesting character. There are also a few times where Mimi or Palmon are the butt of an undignified joke, and it’s pretty cool. Not every feminine character gets that!

Was she really representative of Sincerity, or should they have left her as being Purity, like in the original? I think Purity as a concept is very different outside of Japan, so they were probably not going to be able to leave it the way it was. She seemd to be sincere in the same way that Applejack is about Honesty, in that she just has a hard time lying. Is she sincere in a positive way? Eh, sure, she’s good at apologies.

I like seeing characters who exist on a spectrum, instead of being written as a list of aspects. Mimi’s was always about her selfishness and self-preservation instincts against her opposing desire to see everyone safe and happy. She never really wants to fight, hence her splitting from the group in the last arc. Typically, her complaints that aren’t about surface-level things are about why it has to be them, why her. She doesn’t want to be saving the world, she’d just much rather have the world not need saving in the first place. In a way, you could say that her complaints about how much her feet hurt and how she was going to mess up her hair are what she chooses to focus on, rather than air out her real concerns. Plus, she does grow up at least a little during her time in the Digital World.

But occasionally, she’s a girl of Action. When she really needs to, she can be a badass, and that’s everything every girl needs to see. Stereotypically feminine and not put at odds with her competence!

(And let’s be real here for a second, if I was a Digidestined kid, I would ABSOLUTELY be Mimi. I’d complain about getting dirty, about hunger, the heat, having to fight, just the same as her. Hell, she was my avatar for the longest time because I almost physically resemble her!)

(Also because, when that shot came up, I was also playing with my hair in the exact same way. It’s a sign!)

Her relationship with Palmon is interesting. In the first episode, when the In-Training Digimon fail to take down Kuwagamon as they are, all of the Digimon are physically struggling against their partners to get back to the fight except Tanemon, and Mimi merely asks her if she feels the same as the others. Does this speak to Palmon sharing Mimi’s preference for non-violence, or did she pick up on this trait of Mimi’s this early on? In the second episode, Palmon asks...

...which, okay that’s a pretty obvious trait of Mimi’s, let’s be fair. But it does show that Palmon has been analysing Mimi at least a little.

Palmon was very often on the same wavelength as Mimi. She cried when Mimi cried. When Mimi was upset at something, no matter how small, Palmon at least looked to be sad as well, possibly just out of wanting Mimi to not be sad. The biggest rift between them was in the Princess Karaoke episode, where Palmon’s eventual disapproval of how Mimi was acting was the final straw in convincing Mimi that she was in the wrong. It took Palmon a long time to figure out that maybe, just maybe, they weren’t the good guys in this situation. The Japanese version has a throughline where Palmon tells Mimi that she hates her, tells her again in her dream, and then tells her that she loves her at the end of the episode, which is exactly what Mimi needed to hear every time. (The dub doesn’t have this, but it does have Palmon telling Mimi that she’s a spoiled brat instead, which is still pretty heckin’ harsh.)

It could have been any of the pairs in the situation of the final episode, where one doesn’t want to say goodbye so they run away, deciding to just never see them again. It could have been Kari and Gatomon, not wanting to say goodbye so soon after meeting for the first time. It could have been TK and Patamon, because they’re the Young Ones who don’t know how to face their emotions yet. It could have been Tai and Agumon, because shows like this like to have the important events happen to the front-line main characters. But it wasn’t any of them, it was Palmon who couldn’t face saying goodbye, and Mimi who nearly didn’t get a proper sendoff for closure.

Palmon and Mimi’s relationship was shown to be very strong, very trusting. For Palmon’s words to be the point where Mimi realised that she was being selfish, she must have valued Palmon’s opinion of her a lot more than she realised. She was happy enough for Joe, Tai and their partners to think that she was selfish, but Palmon was where she drew the line and snapped out of it. The fact that Mimi was inconsolable in the final episode when she (nearly) didn’t get to say goodbye just shows this further.

I think my favourite thing about Palmon is that she Digivolves into Togemon. She’s this cute little flower girl, and then she’s a fucking huge cactus who’s ready to throw down in every way imaginable and will punch a dude in the face. Also dumb plant jokes. And she’s a little bit dumb of ass, but that’s okay.

I don’t know, I just like them both. They’re also #aesthetic goals, if I’m honest. Palmon’s an adorable little fucker, I had to restrain myself from posting every Palmon face I thought was cute. I’d go ahead and say that she’s in my top 5 favourite Digimon. While Mimi’s voice acting was pretty good, Palmon’s was fantastic, and I could listen to her talk all day. She had random voice cracking moments and that one time she laughed I physically made squeeing noises. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she is PRECIOUS.

Plus, Palmon wearing Mimi’s hat? ADORABLE. I like to think that, after the hat fell off the tram at the end, Palmon found it and kept it.

The last thing I want to say about Palmon is that is her name derived from Palm, like palm trees? Should it be pronounced that way???? They don’t in the dub, but they alsy like to pronounce “Dramon” very wrong, so maybe we shouldn’t take their word for it. Maybe it’s correct anyway, because she is, indeed, a pal.

TL;DR GIRLS GOOD

[kim-chann]

how do you think they’d deal with their s/o going missing just to come back with no memory of them?

Sorry for not updating, I’m working on “Songs of Grace.” :)

Osomatsu: At first, he would think that you’re joking and laugh it off. But when your tone gets serious, asking who he was. He would go quiet.

“You...You don’t remember me?” He asks, wanting to confirm. When you say yes, he’ll start to get a bit irritated. “Come on, babe! I’m obviously your boyfriend~” He’ll roll his eyes and wink at you, still think you’re joking. “Who are you, seriously...” You would say. Every time you would repeat those words, he would realize that you actually don’t remember him. He would freeze on sight when the truth hits him as he excuses himself from your room to sit outside and think. The doctors would apologize, and give me advice on how to restore your memories. But he wasn’t listening at all. 

‘They don’t remember me...’

Is that his mind is screaming at him. His face would be blank, everything around him was not in his senses as he traps himself in his mind. He would not cry in the hospital and ask the doctor to write down what they said or something cause he can’t think straight. But once he gets home, and reads the instructions the doctor gave him. He would break down, all the heavy weigh in his chest would shatter in him. Osomatsu would start sobbing, crumbling the paper in his hands, as he stares at all the photo’s he has framed up with the two of you. He would do anything the doctor says to earn you back. 

Karamatsu: Just like Osomatsu, he would think his S/O is joking, “Heh, you’re quite the comedian, my dear.” He winks at them, “Do you want anything--” “Who are you?” You would repeat, venom lacing on your words from a stranger being in your room. Karamatsu could see how tense you were; your body hunched in the blankets secured around you, and nervous and scrunched face. He would still not understand what you’re trying to get from him and just excuse himself from the room, thinking that you need some space. 

When the doctor asks him if he knows. He would be confused, asking what they were talking about. Before the doctor could answer, Karamatsu would interrupt, “Why don’t they remember me? Are they just joking, or am I overreacting?” The doctor would take a deep breath, and tell him that his S/O lost their memory. Karamatsu would freeze up at the news, his eyes wide and his body upright. 

He felt like he had lost all hope until the doctor told him that he can help restore his S/O’s memory. Karamatsu would beg the doctor to tell him what to do, immediately breaking down. His emotions would be going through a rollercoaster, losing hope, gaining hope, losing hope, gaining hope, and so on. If Karamatsu were honest, he would trade his fucking penis for you to remember him. (Like he has anything there--fsfhsieojfos jkjk)

Choromatsu: He’d be joining the ‘oh you must be joking’ squad. Choromatsu would click his tongue, “Seriously, S/O-chan/kun...” He sighs and slouches in the guest chair, “There’s no time to be joking right now. Now answer me, are you okay?” When he reaches to pet his S/O’s head as a show for comfort, he would be greeted with a slap from the S/O’s hand, pushing him away. He would be startled because you’ve never done that to him before. 

“Oi, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t touch me! Seriously, who are you?” 

Choromatsu would be oblivious to the situation, “What do you mean, ‘who am I?’” Choromatsu would repeat, “Matsuno Choromatsu? Your boyfriend?” When you tell him that you don’t have one, he would get pissed off. “Tsk, whatever-- I can’t deal with this right now.” He would leave the room, only to be greeted with a doctor who was coming through the hallway. 

“S/O’s pretending that they don’t know me, it’s getting annoying.” He would rant, clicking his tongue. The doctor would take a second before they confess that his S/O has amnesia. Choromatsu would reflect on what his S/O was acting and everything would make more sense to him. 

Choromatsu would feel weak at the knees, regretting how he treated you when you woke up. He would have treated you more gently. Choromatsu feels ashamed of himself before he begins to silently cry to himself. The doctor would ask him in a gentle voice if he wanted to talk to S/O with the doctor and fix things. Choromatsu would sit up and wipe his tears, “I-I’d like that...”

Ichimatsu: “...Eh? What do you mean, ‘who am I?’” He would tilt his head, slouching back into the guest chair. “I’m a piece of shit who happens to be your boyfriend, ‘emo-hello-kitty-wanna-be-bad-boy.’” He would joke, chuckling to himself. 

When he doesn’t hear you laugh, his head would snap up and apologize, “S-Sorry, I guess that wasn’t funny...” That was weird, you usually laugh at his strange jokes. He would remain quiet, his heart thumping in his chest. He would be confused, thinking if he should leave to give you some space. Ichimatsu was conflicted and ask if you want something from the cafeteria. “I don’t want to accept things from... people I don’t know, sorry...” You would say. Ichimatsu would knit his brows at you before he excuses himself out of the room. He would be so confused, he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. When the doctor comes around and asks him if he got time with his S/O, he would just hum quietly.

“They acted strange, didn’t they? They don’t remember you, do they?”

“H-How do you know?”

“I’m sorry, Matsuno-san...They have amnesia...”

Ichimatsu would freeze up, his slouched body would turn upright as his half-lidded eyes grow wide. He would be conflicted, his feet frozen. He wanted to do what he did best: flee. But his S/O needed his help. He wanted to, he has to. When the doctor gently pushes Ichimatsu down to a chair, sensing his distraught, he would tell him that there was a way to restore his S/O’s memory. He would immediately pay attention and remember word for word of what the doctor told him to do. 

Ichimatsu would just nod and excuse himself to the bathroom. When he sees the sign, he would speed-walk into the bathroom, throwing the door back as he leans against the sink and starts to sob. He would cry, his sobs echoing the bathroom as he falls down to the floor, bringing his legs to his chest, as he break slowly, emptying his feelings. 

Jyushimatsu: “Eh?? I’m Matsuno Jyushimatsu!” He would immediately answer your question, not thinking much of it. But when you ask him what’s your relation to him, he would start to get confused. “Hmm? Your boyfriend?” It sounded more of a question than a statement. 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” You said.

Jyushimatsu would be confused, scratching his head, “What’s the joke here? Should I play along?” He would perk up, thinking that you were playing around with him. Silly S/O! Of course, they were!

Jyushimatsu would ‘play along’ with his S/O, not realizing that they don’t remember him at all. When the doctor enters the room, he would ask to speak with Jyushimatsu outside. Jyushimatsu would give your forehead a quick kiss before he excuses himself. The doctor would explain slowly that his S/O has amnesia and that they don’t remember him. “Eh? But they were just playing around! I was playing too!” But the doctor sighs and explains thoroughly that they don’t remember him. 

Jyushimatsu would be conflicted and remain quiet when it got through his head. His wide smile on his face would fall into a flat line, his happy eyes would narrow into confinement and pain. He would sit down at a chair, steadying himself before he takes a moment to himself, trapping himself in his own mind. Soon enough, he would start sobbing (just like he did in “Jyushimatsu Fall’s in Love” episode). 

Todomatsu: “Huh? I’m your cute boyfriend, eheh!~” He would say, thinking that you’re joking just like the rest of his brothers. But when you ask him again, he would start to catch on. “Wait... you don’t remember me?” When you nod, he would start to get that you have amnesia. 

Todomatsu would still deny that fact, pulling up his Instagram and show you pictures of you and him on vacation. “I don’t remember that.” You exclaim, confinement toning your voice. “You really don’t...?” His voice would go quiet. 

He felt his eyes start to water before he excuses and rushes out of the room. Once he makes his way out of the room, his legs would give out, sliding down the door as he stares at his phone with a picture of you and him looking happy. Todomatsu wants to see your smile again. He would sob to himself while he scrolls through his photo album, pain carving through his heart. He wants you back. Now. He would literally kill someone who did this to you or sue God. 

[gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights]

Summary:  Marinette had replayed the video enough times. She'd know Adrien's voice saying those three words anywhere. (Set the same day as the episode Felix.  Reveal Fic.  Rated T for kissing, ignores Chat Blanc mostly because my heart can’t take the angst right now.)

~~~

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I lo—”

Tikki’s tiny butt sat on the video’s pause button, freezing Adrien’s lips in a perfect o.  

“Marinette, you need to get ahold of yourself.”

Marinette was sure her complexion matched her kwami’s as she dropped her face onto her desk.  “I knoooooow.”

She was being ridiculous.  More ridiculous than usual, anyway.  But something about those words did more than just make her stomach flutter—it felt familiar, though it was probably just from her daydreams.  If he’d told her he loved her before, there was no way she’d forget it.

Her thumb instinctively moved to replay the last five seconds again.  Tikki flew into the small space between her and the phone screen, catching the digit between her arms.

“This is an intervention,” she said in her most authoritative voice.  Considering it was still two octaves higher than the average humans, it shouldn’t have had much effect, but Marinette hated disappointing Tikki.  She was her friend, the only one she could be completely honest with.

And Tikki was pretty good about being honest with her, too.  If the kwami thought Marinette needed an intervention, she was probably right.

“Fine.” Marinette spun in her desk chair, intending to pull out some butcher paper and start drafting a pattern in the few hours before patrol tonight.  It wasn’t likely that Hawkmoth would akumatize two people in one day—or four, considering it had been three for the price of one thanks to Felix’s stunt—but Chat had sounded a little desperate when he asked if they could still meet up.  She hoped he hadn’t planned another impromptu date.  She didn’t know if she could handle that after finding out that yet another one of her plans to confess to Adrien had fallen through, this time through no fault of her own.

Would he have said I love you back to her if it weren’t for his cousin’s interference?  They’d gotten so much closer lately, but…

“I’m not good with jokes.  The girl I’m in love with doesn’t like them, either.”

That she didn’t need a recording to replay.  It was embedded in her memory, like a deep splinter she couldn’t dig out.

He might say he loved her, as a friend.  But beyond that?  She was just setting herself up for disaster.

“Marinette?” Tikki asked.  “Do you need some help with the paper?”

She shook her head, almost whacking it on the desk leg as she scrambled for her supply box beneath.  “No, I got it. You can grab the measuring tape, though.”

She was finally going to mock up the pattern for an airy sundress she’d spent the last week sketching out. Nothing would take her mind off of her troubling love life like the single-minded focus of a personal project.

It worked a little too well, though.  Between drafting each piece, cutting the paper, pinning it to the cheap test fabric, cutting the fabric, pinning the pieces to each other—she barely managed to stop herself from starting the actual sewing when Tikki held up her phone.

On top of a group selfie of her, Adrien, Alya, and Nino, the clock showed 9:29.  Patrol started at 9:30

“Ack!  I’m going to be late!”  She jabbed herself at least ten times getting her pins all back in the pincushion.  Everything else could wait, but she didn’t want to swing in and catch one in her foot later.

“Tikki, spots on!”

By the time she swung across town to the Eiffel Tower, her bugphone read 9:35.  Record time, but still late. So where was…?

“Little kitty on a roof, all alone without his lady…”

The familiar tune was more downcast than Marinette was used to.  Sure enough, when she swung up a few crossbars to Chat Noir’s perch, she caught a flash of his forlorn expression before his usual grin took over.

“Hey there, Bugaboo,” his voice chirped as chipper as ever.  Had she been imagining his earlier mood?  Or maybe he’d just been worried she wouldn’t make it.  Silly kitty.  Regardless of whether or not she returned his feelings, she’d vowed to never stand him up again if she could help it.

“Any trouble on the way over?”  He asked.

“Only with myself,” she admitted, rubbing the still-stinging pads of her fingers.  She probably should’ve put some ointment on them before transforming; the suit irritated the little pricks further.  “Civilian me is still as much of a mess as ever.”

She’d hoped that by dropping non-identifying clues on how much she struggled in her daily life, Chat Noir would see through the perfect illusion he had of her and come to his senses.  Honestly, she should’ve known better.  It hadn’t worked the first ten times she’d tried, and now it only brought a wider smile to his face.

(That wasn’t why she did it, of course.  Even if it warmed her more than she wanted to admit, she only had feelings for one green-eyed blond.)

“The only mess you make is a mess of my heart, my lady,” he said with a wink that had her rolling her eyes.

“How do you even come up with those lines?” She asked with a stifled laugh—at how bad it was, not because he was actually funny. “The internet?”

“I’m paw-fended,” he gasped, claws spread in front of his mouth dramatically.  “I’ll have you know that everything I say is a one-hundred-percent Chat Noir original.”

“Of course.  I should’ve known.  Who else could drop that kind of cheese so seriously?”

“Only because I am serious, Bugaboo,” he reminded her.  As if she could forget.  Bantering back and forth with him was so easy; she hoped she wasn’t accidentally leading him on.  He deserved better than that.

He smiled as he bumped his shoulder against hers.  His voice bared his sincerity as he said, “Hate on my puns all you want.  It won’t change the fact that I love you.”

I love you.

Electricity shot up Marinette’s spine.  No.  No, it couldn’t be— 

I love you.

She’d replayed those words at least a hundred times (two hundred and fifty-three, but who was counting?) in the past day.  She’d memorized his exact inflection, the way he spoke from his heart, even if it was about all their friends and not her alone.  She would recognize his voice saying those three words anywhere.

Anywhere.  Including coming from her ridiculous, pun-loving partner.

“Ladybug?”  Chat scooted away from her, his fingertips digging into the backs of his hands.  “I’m sorry, I—I know you don’t feel the same way, you don’t have to—”

“Adrien?”

He nearly toppled off of the tower. Marinette caught him by the shoulder, holding him in place before he could lose his balance again, or run away, or—she didn’t know what he’d do.  She really should’ve thought this through.  They were supposed to keep their identities secret!  It wasn’t his fault, of course; she imagined if he’d called her Marinette while she was in the suit she would’ve had a much worse heart attack— 

“Who—who’s Adrien?”  Chat forced a grin.

“Oh, no.  You’re not getting out of this that easy.”  She fell deeper into Ladybug mode, still not letting her brain process that—that holy crap this was ADRIEN, Adrien who had just confessed his love to her—to her—!

“Ladybug, please, please don’t freak out, I’m sorry.” It was his turn to grip her shoulders as she tried to breathe.  His acidic green eyes were blown wide, the miraculous transformation hiding his normal soft chartreuse irises.  Still, how could she not have noticed?  It was him it was him it was him and she couldn’t unhear it, couldn’t separate his apologetic voice now from their time at the wax museum when she had almost kissed him and no, now that was even doubly embarrassing because it was CHAT, she’d almost kissed CHAT NOIR— 

“I’m not freaking out!  Why would you think I’m freaking out?”

Her eye twitched.  Her heart just about escaped her ribcage at the soft look of concern her partner was giving her.  Oh, this was bad.  This was very, very bad.

“I know you didn’t want to find out, and I… how did you find out?”  He asked hesitantly.  His hand left her shoulder to rub the back of his neck, and she barely restrained herself from tugging it back.  Or better yet, climbing into his lap and hoping he’d enfold her in his arms.

Bad.  Very, very bad.

“I… well, you see—haha look at the time!”  She sprang up and glanced at her obviously-watchless wrist.  “Looks like we’re too late to patrol tonight.  Oops!  Sorry Ad—Chat!  I’ll have to love you—SEE you later!  Bug out!”

“Ladybug!”  He scrambled to his feet, reaching for her arm before she could grab her yo-yo.  He was Chat and he was Adrien and he was touching her and even through both their suits she felt herself burning.  No, no, she could not be weird with her partner.  Not after she’d turned him down over and over and— 

Part of her wanted to cry.  But Chat—Adrien—had already beaten her to it.

“Please, LB.  Please, don’t go. if you have something against Adrien you can tell me, o-or you can not, but please just… don’t leave me.”  He swallowed hard, his voice thick with the tears already pooling around the lip of his mask.  “Not tonight.”

Tonight.  Today.  The anniversary of Adrien’s mother’s disappearance.

The anniversary of Chat’s mother’s disappearance.

“Oh,” she breathed, feeling like the worst partner—the worst friend in the whole world. She pulled him close, shoving all other traitorous feelings and desires aside, and focused on comforting him.  “I’m so sorry, kitty.  I’m not going anywhere, I just—panicked, that’s all.”

He laughed hollowly.  The sound curdled in her stomach, a sick parody of the cheery sound that usually rang from him.  But he had every right to sound that way, after what he’d been through. His mom was gone and she knew his home life was a wreck and he had so many of his father’s expectations dragging on him, and moonlighting as a superhero on top of that��� 

How had he ended up being the carefree one out of their duo?

“You panicked because I broke the number one rule.  I gave myself away somehow.”

“No, chaton.  It’s not your fault.”  She rubbed soothing circles into the small of his back, trying to ignore how she could feel the toned muscles through the leather.  (His suit was much worse for her sanity knowing it was Adrien in it.)  “It’s my fault.  One hundred percent definitely my fault.”

He pulled back enough to stare at her, his head tilted sideways like he really was just an overgrown curious kitty, and her transformation from Ladybug into a puddle-bug seemed all too likely.

“I still don’t know how you did it.  Is this one of those ‘lucky charm’ connections only your brilliant mind can make?”

Marinette giggled into his shoulder, because maintaining eye contact was beyond her physical limit right now.  “Chat, the only brilliant thing about me is how brilliantly stupid I’ve been.”

“I’m still not following, my lady.”  His voice was still a little rough, but no longer dripping with desperation.

She kept up the soothing pattern on his back, just in case.

“I… er…”  There was no good way to say, oh, I recognized your voice because I’ve been listening to you tell me you love me all afternoon, only you weren’t even saying it to me and actually I’m a massive creep and you probably don’t want to be friends with me anymore, let alone be my partner and— 

“Shh, shh, breathe.”

—And now he was comforting her again.  It took her back to the first time they’d met—well, the first time Ladybug met Chat Noir.  She’d been so useless, and he’d been so ready to assure her that she could handle it.  From then on she’d somehow begun to take charge, but without that first push—without him—she’d never have gotten here.

And maybe… maybe leaning on him again wouldn’t be so bad.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her forehead resting against his chest.  He held her tight but refrained from any other soothing motions.  Of course he wouldn’t.  She’d brushed off too many of his physically affectionate gestures before.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”  It was a testament to how serious he was that he didn’t slip in a paw-pun there.  Honestly, she wished he had; she could’ve used the laugh right now.  “I trust you.  I always wanted you to be the first to know my identity, anyway.”

“Chat, I have everything to apologize for.”

She could hardly explain why without giving away her own identity, but she knew it was only a matter of time.  She’d rather have this conversation now than after she’d made a fool of herself—scratch that, she was already making a fool of herself, but it could be worse.  She could accidentally call him Chat in class.  She could boop his nose like she sometimes did as Ladybug.  Or someone could catch her doodling their wedding outfits in her notebook. She was really going to have to stop that, or Alya would wonder why she’d suddenly decided she wanted a “ladynoir” themed ensemble.

Great.  Five minutes into finding out Chat was Adrien, and she was still daydreaming about marrying him!  Get a grip, Marinette!  She hadn’t been this bad around Adrien in months, but connecting him with Chat had short-circuited her brain.  

“I’m not… I’m not like this, as myself.”  She pulled back and gestured down to all of her.  “And I don’t know that you’d still like me if you knew.  You never seemed to before.”

“Are you saying I know you?  Civilian you?”

He didn’t sound surprised.  Had she given herself away, too?  Her spastic reaction earlier did scream “Marinette.”  It wasn’t how she’d dreamed of revealing herself to her partner, but since when did her dreams regarding Adrien ever pan out?

“Yes.  You do.”  She hoped her voice sounded more confident than she felt.  Sure, she was thrilled (and confused and mortified) that Adrien was Chat Noir, but would he feel the same about her identity?

“Can I… can I guess who you are?”  Adrien-Noir asked, his voice fragile as glass.  His hands shook against her back. “If you don’t want me to, I get it, really.  But I… I think I know.  There’s no one else you could be.”

She pulled back, her eyebrows drawn in confusion beneath her mask.  “You’re that certain?  I was so—nevermind. I want to hear it.” Explaining how careful she was to mislead him would only confirm his suspicions, if he was even right.  For all she knew, he thought she was some stranger he knew from fencing or one of his other extracurricular activities.

One of his sly Chat-grins spread across his face.  Normally that would have her worried, but it was a relief to fall back into a familiar pattern.  

(Though how close he leaned in to her ear was new.  And was likely to make her burst like fireworks if she so much as breathed.)

“I love you, Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Fire spread through every inch of her.  She jolted in Adrien’s arms, cracking her head against his jaw and making him yelp.

“Sorry!  Oh my—are you kayo—okay?”  She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming.  Adrien said he loved her!  Marinette her!  And then she probably broke his jaw or something—!

“I’m fine—a-at least I think I am, if I was right?  About you being Marinette?”  He rubbed his jaw and smiled hopefully at her.  Yep, she was definitely going to be a puddle-bug.  He’d be scooping her off the side of the Eiffel Tower in a bucket.

She swallowed the giddy laugh bubbling up in her.  “I bet it would be really embarrassing if you weren’t.”

He laughed and scooped her up in a hug that lifted her feet from the metal beam.  “Marinette!  I knew it!”

Pressed close to him, she barely resisted the urge to wrap her legs around his waist and kiss his lips.  He was Adrien and Chat and him, and he was holding her and he loved her!  

The laugh finally escaped, breathless and smitten, as she laced her fingers behind his neck.

“You did.  Somehow.  I was so careful too—you have no idea how hard it is to split yourself and use that many miraculouses at once.  The illusion was perfect though.”  She frowned as she thought back on their fight with Kwamibuster.  “How did you find out?”

“I asked you first.”  He smirked. It was a face he made all the time, it had no right to be so cute now.  It was a just a curve of his lips, of Adrien’s lips—

“If I kissed you, do you think you’d forget about it?”

She slapped her hands over her mouth.  Had she—had she really said that?  To Adrien!?  

“Actually if you could just forget I said that too—”

“Not a chance, Buginette.”

She hadn’t thought his grin could get any wider, but she’d been wrong.  He held her tight, her toes barely brushing the ground. Still, she could escape if she wanted to.   

(She didn’t want to.)

“Chaaaat…”

“Thanks to Oblivio, I forgot the last time you kissed me.  There’s no way I’m forgetting again.”

She flushed as she remembered the picture Alya had taken of them.  Of course, it made sense now—she must have somehow learned Chat’s identity while they were under Oblivio’s influence.  How long had that fight taken?  Did she have a shorter or longer reveal-to-kiss timeframe this time? 

And then the full force of it hit her.  He wanted to kiss her.

Adrien.  Wanted to kiss.  Her.

She lost what little coherent thought she had left as she dug her fingers into his hair and pulled him to her.  Their lips collided roughly, and she felt him gasp before he melted into her.  

From there, it was all a blur.  Some distant part of her mind might have registered how she ended up with her legs wrapped around his hips, how he stumbled back into a crossbeam, how he held her so tightly she might’ve been crushed outside of the suit.  But all of that was faded against the single-minded desire to drown him in the love and desire and everything that she’d kept bottled tight for the past year.

She had no idea how long it was before he pulled back and breathlessly said her name.  “Marinette.”  Those three syllables in that voice had her losing her mind.  She was about to claim his lips again when he turned his head, making her miss and kiss his cheek.  Well.  That wasn’t so bad, either.  She peppered the side of his face, up to the edge of his mask, and he laughed.

“Marinette.  LB.  You can’t hide behind kisses forever.”

“Watch me.”

A kiss to the shell of his ear.  His nose. The sliver of his neck that wasn’t covered by his suit— she felt his legs wobble a little at that one.

“...I stand corrected.”

She giggled at the completely smitten look on his face.  She’d put that there.  Of course, Chat had looked at Ladybug that way before, but the fact that it was also Adrien beaming at her, knowing she was Marinette… All the puzzle pieces finally fit together, grooves sliding into place just as perfectly as she fit in his arms.

“Two can play at that game, Bugaboo.”

Oh.  Oh.  Sure, they’d practically been making out seconds ago, but the soft kisses he now littered across her jaw somehow felt even more intimate.  Their first kiss had been desperate.  These were slower, like he had all the time in the world—and they did.

He wasn’t going anywhere.  He loved her.

She practically groaned in disappointment when he finally lowered her back to the ground.  

Adrien just laughed.  “I had no idea you were so clingy, Princess.”

“I’m not clingy,” she pouted, stepping back from him to prove it.  “But if you think I am, fine.  See if you get any more kisses.”

Three whole coherent sentences.  Wow. After kissing Adrien, she expected to be a stuttering mess, but she was actually finding it easier to channel her Ladybug confidence.  Maybe it was the fact that for the first time, she knew he was as crazy about her too.

“Hey, hey, I never said that was a bad thing.”  He squeezed her tight again, a slight purr rumbling in his chest before he coughed.  

“I think we all know who’s the clingy one, anyway.”  She said, scratching the spot behind his ear until she coaxed another purr from him.  Bad idea.  She couldn’t spend all her time with her lips locked to his.

“Whatever you say, Marinette.”  His tail curled around her.  “So… as mind-meltingly amazing as kissing you was, I think I still remember a certain question I had.”

How she found out his identity.  Right. This had to be the biggest whiplash for him—her literally turning him down last week just to turn around and practically jump him. (Not that he was complaining, obviously.)

She bit her lip.  Lying to him would be impossible, even if she wanted to.  She’d promised a long time ago that she would never lie to him… except for when she had to hide her identity, but that was because Master Fu would want to reclaim their miraculouses if they revealed themselves.

...Which they just had.  Her gut twisted at that realization, which had been lost in her earlier excitement.  But Fu couldn’t just take their miraculouses, right? He was training her to be the Guardian.  Plus, after their fight with Feast, Marinette hoped he would know better.  

She was Ladybug.  Adrien was Chat Noir.  No one else could replace them—not to Paris, and not each other.  

She could deal with Fu.  But dealing with Adrien knowing just how obsessed she was?  That was a different terror entirely.

“Fine,” she sighed.  “It’s really, really embarrassing though.  You’re… probably going to think I’m a creep, honestly.”

Adrien blinked when she glanced up at him through her eyelashes, not daring to watch him directly.  “I won’t judge you, I paw-mise.”

She dropped her head in her hands and stifled a giggle.  At least they were back to puns.  She never thought she’d be grateful for that, but it eased her nervousness.

“You know how you, uh, sent a video to our class today?  To reply to the videos you never saw?”

“Yeah?  What about it?”

“Well… err…”  She was sure her face was challenging the shade of her suit, but he just blinked innocently.  “I may have… singled out the part… where you said, um…”

He was still waiting patiently.

“I took the part where you said ‘I love you’ and replayed it two hundred and fifty-three times.”

She wanted to shove her fist in her mouth.  She wasn’t going to lie, but she didn’t have to be that honest!

Chat stared.  Blinked.

...And doubled over laughing.

Well, this was it.  At least she’d gotten to kiss him once, right?  Hopefully he could forget this enough for them to still work together, because she’d never forgive herself if she ruined their partnership and Hawkmoth got their miraculouses because of it— 

“You—I can’t believe it.”  His arms had fallen while he laughed, but now he pulled her in again, practically crushing her to his chest.  “And here I thought I was the crazy one.”

“Please kill me,” she groaned.

“Never.”  He said with a kiss to her temple that shot lightning across her skin.  “I’m keeping you forever, Bugaboo.  No takebacks.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense.” She paused, searched his eyes for any trace of hesitance.  If anything, he looked giddier than ever.  “You’re not mad?  Or… weirded out?”

“Marinette, I play with action figures of us.  Sometimes they kiss.  I really have no room to talk.”

She gaped up at him.  The image of Adrien making toy versions of themselves kiss—okay, she had to cackle too, because it was too insane to process otherwise. They really were made for each other.

“You do have to promise me one thing, though,” he said, his voice sobering.

“What?” She asked before her brain could start catastrophizing again.

“You have to let me say I love you at least two hundred fifty-four times.  I can’t be beat out by a video of myself.”

He—he was serious.  Right when she was thinking it was impossible to love him any more, he said things like that.

“That’s a lot of times.”

“I guess I’d better get started then, huh?”

She punched his arm lightly and ignored how much she really really wanted to let him do just that. (Maybe with a few more kisses sprinkled between.) 

“Not yet, chaton.  You still have to tell me how you recognized me.”

“Technically I don’t think you finished,” he pointed out, to which she rolled her eyes.

“I’d heard you say ‘I love you’ so many times, I recognized your voice.  That’s all.”

“I would’ve told you I loved you as Adrien a long time ago if it would’ve made you see it.”  He chuckled.  “I wish I had a story like that.  I didn’t know for sure, I just thought… well, Marinette and Ladybug are the two most amazing girls I know, and… I think I hoped it was you more than anything.”

The soft grin on his face threatened to send her melting again.  He’d wanted her to be the girl he loved.  Of course his epiphany had come over something so sweet, rather than her completely embarrassing story.  

“That still doesn’t explain how you saw through me being Multimouse and Ladybug,” she said.  “You really do think with your heart more than your head, don’t you?”

“One of us has to.”  He winked, and she hid a lovestruck smile.  She couldn’t give him the satisfaction of melting at everything he did.  He was still her silly kitty, after all.  “I know it looked impossible, but if anyone could pull off the impossible, it’s you.”

She could pull off the impossible, which right now included resisting the urge to kiss him senseless again.

“You’re the one who’s impossible,” she said with a flick to his bell.  

“And you can pull me off anytime,” he blurted before covering his mouth.  “Uh.”

“Adrien, that doesn’t even make sense,” she said for the second time in the past five minutes.

His face flushed.  “I can’t be at the top of my flirting game all the time.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything, to be honest.  The cheesy pick up lines are kind of a coping mechanism.  Not that I’m upset, I’m not!  I’m so, so happy—It’s just—it’s a lot.”

“It is a lot,” she agreed, slipping out of his embrace to sit on the cold metal of the tower.  “Come on, sit with me.  Paris can take care of itself for one night.”

He grinned and plopped down beside her, hesitating only a moment before enfolding her in his arms.

“Thank you.  This means the world to me.”  He kissed the top of her head.  “Today was… well, you know. A year ago today my mom disappeared. I’m doing alright, much better than Father is, but still...”  He slumped against her, his chin resting on her shoulder, their cheeks brushing.  “It’s why I wanted to be with you tonight.  And then everything else—well, it’s better than I could’ve imagined.”

She was afraid it had been too much for him, dealing with their identities at such a sensitive time, but he did look much more relaxed now.  Despite his cousin’s earlier interference, she had managed to help him anyway.  That was the most important thing.

“I’m glad I could help.  I actually tried to tell you in the video Felix deleted… but I love you, Adrien.  And I’ll always be here if you need me.” 

He turned his face so their foreheads rested against each other, filling her vision with his bright green eyes.  The hopeful glow in them could’ve put all of Paris’s lights to shame.

“You love me?”

His breath ghosted over her lips, mingled with her laugh.  She’d said it.  She’d finally said it.

“Of course, minou.  What, did you think I kissed you because we’re just friends?”

“That happened?”  He blinked in fake innocence.  “I don’t know, I think Oblivio might have hit me while you weren’t looking.  You might have to kiss me again.”

She rolled her eyes, but she could only do the impossible for so long.  Their noses bumped as she kissed him long and soft and slow.  Could she ever get used to this?  Each kiss left her soaring higher than the last.

They broke apart giggling and flushed before Chat shyly asked a question.

“Did you mean it when you said you’ll always be here if I need you?  I can be a very needy kitty.”  His voice was all Chat Noir, but his face was the soft, open expression she was used to seeing from Adrien.  

He was worried about that?  But then, there were so few other people in his life who were just there, she realized.  No wonder he had coveted attention from Ladybug for so long.

“Always, Adrien,” she said softly.  “I know I can’t fix everything. Especially about your mom.”  She cupped his face in her hands.  “But being here?  That’s easy.  Never feel bad about needing that.”

“That’s all I want,” he breathed.  “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

He wrapped her in his arms again, and she hugged him back just as tightly.

“Me too, kitty.  Me too.”

[reachexceedinggrasp]

Fated to Love You here reaffirming my long held conviction that no pure romance drama should be 20+ episodes.

This show is... really something. It is, in the fullest possible sense, A Lot. It starts out as an all-out screwball comedy wrapped around a troperiffic romance fluff plot. Wall to wall clichés, but not in a bad way; in a meta, self-aware, peak performance, finest Velveeta way. And if you’re not familiar with screwball comedy, think ‘light-hearted crack fic with slapstick and farce’. There is nothing believable or grounded about any aspect of it, it starts at Bonkers Level: Platinum and it only climbs higher as it goes on.

(On a side note, this results in the leading man being possibly the most memorable love interest in romcom history. His introduction scene is nothing short of batshit insane and you can't reliably predict how he will respond to anything. I have never seen a main character like this, he is all over the shop and utterly singular. Your first reaction to him is ‘wtf?’, your second and third reactions are ‘really?! this guy??’, your fourth reaction is ‘okay he do be mad hot tho’, your fifth and final reaction is ‘I cannot believe this performance exists, I have no idea what he is doing, but it is amazing.’

Appropriately(?) the actor who plays him is an uncanny Korean doppelgänger of Johnny Depp and- between the resemblance, the mannerisms, and the fearless total commitment to a bold as fuck acting choice with the very serious chops to back it up- I’m not convinced they aren’t half brothers separated at birth.

They do sabotage my happiness several times by starting to randomly style his (long, beautiful) hair very weird, fixing it right when the plot is rapidly circling the drain so he looks his hottest just as the show becomes briefly unwatchable, and then ruining him for the entire second half of the series by shearing it all off. WHY, my anguished cry goes up. Why do you do this?! Why does he have like seven hairstyles over the course of the show? Much later they even briefly give him that ubiquitous Kdrama Second Lead haircut with weirdly forward combed fringe in a solid straight line across the brow all the way back from the crown. It looks terrible on everyone and I hate it so much. This version was less bad than most but it is still bad. Anyway.)

So it’s an incredibly fun time to start but there are some problems with the tone and plot even in the first 9 episodes, including when the lovers start getting along really well right away and they’re both thoroughly decent people so there’s nothing keeping them from having a lovely time together making the best of the circumstances (forced/fake marriage). And, instead of introducing new conflict or advancing one of the dozen conflicts previously established and actually moving forward, there is a painfully contrived rehash of something they already dealt with which is then just never resolved. They make the hero leap to a conclusion his wife is nefarious after he’d already decided once that she isn’t (though it was completely reasonable for him to think she was- the fact that he decided to trust her so quickly just speaks to what kind of person he is), never try to find out more or talk to anyone about it, start pushing her away because of it, and have all this come to absolutely nothing. It only exists so he’ll stop being so incredibly nice to her and they won’t fall in love too fast.

You’d think they would have to eventually clear the air before the romance advances right? No. It wasn’t a real plot point, it was just a reset button to get them estranged and hostile again after they connect over their kindred spirits and we’ve spent a bunch of time showing how profoundly supportive and honourable our hero is. He’s being beautifully mature and selfless because he’s a really good dude (unusual for a romcom drama, right? for the main guy to be nice and considerate? to accept responsibility even if he doesn’t have to? Gun’s weird but he’s wonderful), but the writers need him to be cold and standoffish, so they just make him act like an unreasonable idiot for a while. He’s been thus far hugely proactive and direct and honest about everything, it’s one of his most prominent character traits, but suddenly he’s going to avoid confrontation in favour of being super passive aggressive?? Then the writers never solve it. Never! It just goes away. He got over it, I guess? He decided he doesn’t care if she’s a gold digger who deliberately trapped him? God forbid we have motivations that make sense and organic character drama, right? It's not like he didn't have totally valid reasons to be suspicious that could have led to legitimate conflict our heroine would struggle to vindicate herself from.

But anyway, apart from that kind of lazy bullshit, it’s a fine romance plot with extremely endearing characters who have great chemistry. They are fun and well-rounded and incredibly human despite all the silliness and OTT antics. Their relationship is hugely, hugely engaging and the dynamic is perfect, they really complement each other as characters and organically drive each other's arcs. There's the genuine depth and warmth and quiet pathos so often lacking from this kind of show. Things progress at a semi-reasonable pace. They work up to confessing their mutual feelings and get into some cute shenanigans before making out. It happens soon enough that you are not frustrated, but there's still plenty of build-up. Then- uh oh! We’re only 9 eps in and we have another 11 hours to fill with this fluffy plot!

Time for a bunch of absolute fucking nonsense. Time for our show, which has been so goofy and removed from reality it occasionally resembles a Monty Python skit, which has been so light it asks you to ignore the frankly incredibly fucked up implications of its premise for the sake of comedy (they were both drugged and proxy raped resulting in a pregnancy- the FL was a virgin prior to this and Gun had a girlfriend he wanted to propose to- and it was the FL’s family who did this to them: SUPER FUCKED UP), so farcical that it makes Some Like it Hot look like a gritty crime drama, that show to cover a bunch of serious heavy shit.

First, the rankest of melodrama. The families and the world all turn on our couple, but their love is true and will conquer all- UNTIL, he randomly collapses and gets convenient Soap Opera Amnesia. He’s forgotten their entire relationship and a series of coincidental pieces of misconstrued evidence, the machinations of his scheming ex girlfriend, the Soap Opera Doctor’s advice, and his closest confidants all going along with this conspire to make him believe (AGAIN) that his wife just wants his money.

This whole terrible episode is mercifully brief, but it just gets worse after his memory returns. This is where we get into the Noble Idiocy. The ‘pretend you don’t love them to “save them” from getting hurt by hurting them and making their important life decisions for them as if they don’t have a basic fucking right to decide that themselves’ kind. Which goes on for three FUCK years in the show. He wastes three years of their lives they could have spent together because he’s worried he might die young (in a terrible way) and doesn’t want to put her through that. And, of course, they inevitably get together later, so all he did was make it infinitely worse for her either way. To say nothing of how he thus couldn’t be there for her through the loss of their child. Possibly my most hated fucking trope of all time when done this way.

And, yep, you read that right. This show that has the single most batshit bonkers over the top slapstick I have ever seen in a kdrama, this show has a storyline where the fluffy romcom trope accidental pregnancy ends in massive trauma. Because she was standing around in the street after realising he does remember her (he continued to pretend he had amnesia after his memories came back, it’s all part of the stupid noble idiocy so I glossed over it) and gets hit by a car in the middle of their angst staring.

It is nearly Meet Joe Black levels of hilariously abrupt and incongruous.

so, blah blah, they lose their baby (there’s a very stupid whole thing about her telling everyone to save the baby instead of her- the baby is not far enough along for this to have been remotely viable. She is like 3 months pregnant. They all act like there’s a choice to be made between them and she’s mad at her husband for choosing to save her, but there was NO CHOICE. Either she lives or they both die! ffs I’m so irritated about this) and then he dumps her ~for her own good~~ because he loves her too much to make her go through losing him? So she loses him sooner?? right after their baby died???

Why do people in these stories always think being betrayed and abandoned for no reason and being incredibly angry at someone you love while also not getting to be with them is somehow less painful than making the best of your life together and then losing them against their will? ‘I will make her hate me and then she won’t be sad we broke up/I died!!!!’ is such a fucking galaxy brain take and I despise it with the heat of ten thousand suns. Fuck you, Spider-Man. You aren’t protecting anyone, the villains still know you love MJ and will still use her against you, you clod. Emotionally torturing the person you love is not going to make them not a target because the villains are not as fucking stupid as you two. Anyway.

Amnesia was right where I started fast-forwarding and skipping around (because I couldn’t bear it), but it only goes downhill from there. Maybe I would have toughed out more of the wretched middle part plot twist if they hadn’t cut all the hot guy’s hair off. If I’m going to watch total nonsense tedious melodrama, I need it to at least be pretty. I understand it was a Symbolic Haircut but damnit! Let me have this!

And it ultimately does the thing that kdramas seem obsessed with and which makes me want to claw out my own eyeballs with frustration. There’s a giant time skip, the female lead gets a personality transplant, all narrative momentum is lost, and the characters who eventually (at ENORMOUS length) get together permanently are essentially completely different characters with a completely different dynamic than the couple you were shipping for 90% of the story. It is so FUCKING unsatisfying and it is EVERYWHERE.

Not so much with this one because this one still had a lot of very romantic scenes late in the game, but most that do this, it’s also like all the romance is sucked out of the post-time skip episodes and the ending is a consolation prize instead of a triumphant culmination. Inevitably, the heroine abruptly cools off and is suddenly wary of the hero and wants this Important New Career she never mentioned until the penultimate episode but is now her one true life’s dream. What the apparently irresistible appeal is of these contrived separations and demure conclusions is I CANNOT FATHOM. I’m here for the fucking romance guys, you have not made Citizen Kane, please just indulge me with a big schmoopy finale.

And if not that, it’s frequently that there’s been so many random mood swings and so much shitty behaviour by the end that the relationship doesn’t make sense and you don’t know why they even bother to get back together.

I’m not inherently against all misunderstandings (they are the bread and butter of low stakes romance let’s be real) or attempts at noble idiocy from misguided characters, but the duration and seriousness of the drama these generate needs to be in proportion to how ridiculous they are. If your entire plot can be solved by a thirty second conversation there is NO REASON not to have and the continuation of the misunderstanding is a result of someone just NOT SPEAKING UP when any functional human being would have spoken up seven times by now IT’S BAD.

Do little cliff-hangers, whatever, but don’t draaaaagg out silly misconceptions into Shakespearean tragedy, it’s just wearying. It makes me hate the characters for acting like emotionally constipated toddlers with terminal stupidity. If there is so little trust, so little understanding, and so little basic patience between these people, they probably shouldn’t be dating, so try fucking harder, writers. And noble idiocy that is more than an impulse they fairly quickly see the error of is just insulting. You are not helping the other person, you are being domineering and selfish. I have a whole complex about wasting time and seeing endless parades of characters flushing years down the toilet for literally no reason gives me hives. Especially when the whole issue is about time!

(And, btw, so much of the plot is about how desperately the family needs an heir and everyone still wanting them to have kids the second time they get together- while the ~dilemma used to keep them apart is a GENETIC DISEASE which could STRIKE AT ANY TIME. Do you SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS WRITERS????? NO, I KNOW YOU DON’T. ommmmmmmmggggg that’s awful! So they’re just dooming more kids to Soap Opera Brain Disease? And maybe growing up without a father just as Gun did? And no one even considers suggesting adoption??? He never considers that he shouldn’t have biological children despite thinking he shouldn’t have a wife?)

ANYWAY. Please do watch the first nine episodes and the last three, it’s bananas. They are cute as fuck, Gun is The Best, and the tropey romance scenes are top quality. You don't get those things executed so well, it doesn't happen, so you need this in your life. The acting is of a calibre you never usually see in modern romcoms; these are people at the top of their game committing utterly and taking these characters completely seriously. In that way it is pure wish fulfilment for me as someone who loves romance and is almost always disappointed by popular romance media, and thus the show is incalculably special. But skip the middle. Just skip it. It's not worth the suffering. I find the tone whiplash honestly just this side of crass.

I’ve been thinking about it for over a week and I truly love the main characters so it did plenty right, but I just cannot with wedding the two things this show is trying to be together, especially when it goes so hard in two mutually exclusive directions. but also the Meet Joe Black sudden car accident device is not redeemable under any circumstances. Can we never do that again, please.

[fly-underground]

six hundred and seventy five: 2019

The annual year in review entry. I’ve written this post nine times, one for every year of this decade. I reread the very first one, from 2010, aloud to my mother the other night. My writer’s voice is so chipper in it, so young. I had just started college. In so many ways, I had barely lived. I was about to list off all the things I hadn’t yet done, as an explanation. But the truth is, even now, having done at least a few of those things, I still have barely lived. I want to remember that, to bottle up that feeling of wistfulness for a younger self, that protective inclination to wait for things to get better and worse, because I know I still need it. There is still so much I haven’t done, so much I want to do. Ways to spend the next few decades, if I’m lucky enough to have them.

Last year at this time, I think I was home alone with Cory. I can’t remember it perfectly. The past few years have blurred together in that regard. Was this the year that Mariah Carey sang badly during Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve? I’ll look it up after I write this. The point is, I welcomed in the new year alone, but not really, and then received a flurry of text messages from my mother and brother and so many friends. January passed in New York for the most part. I went to my favorite bar every week, first with Liz and then with Vivian. I got bad news one night about a fellowship and the next night, I found out that my fellowship paper was selected for an academic conference. I felt like Even Steven, losing one thing, gaining another. By the time I made it back to Boston, for the spring semester, it was the end of the month. That last week became so important, especially in retrospect. I met a man from the past in one of my classes, someone I knew vaguely from my time at Swarthmore. February was about him. And so was March and April and May.

I used to keep details off my blog, because I was afraid of people reading and piecing together the truth. I wanted to be polite and coy. Now, I guess I don’t really know who is still reading this. And maybe I also don’t care. If you know me, really know me, you know what happened. If you don’t, well: in February, this blast from the past man sent me an email about coffee. I said yes and we spent hours together, walking around Cambridge, the pink sky of the new moon above our heads. Then he asked me to go to the Arnold Arboretum. We never went. Instead, we talked for hours in another coffee shop. Uncharacteristically, I asked to see his place and after I met his roommates, in-between bites of fig newtons, he leaned over and whispered: Can I kiss you? His tongue slipped into my mouth in the darkness of his living room. He kissed me again on his doorstep and my head spun on the lyft ride home. I threw up hours two hours later, from the hunger induced migraine. I didn’t eat at all that day, except for the cookies in his house and the lettuce wrapped in turkey at midnight in my bed. Of course I threw up. The next week, we went out again. Later, in my bed, wrapped up in his wiry, tattooed arms, I was just happy. That was when he told me, that he’s an alcoholic and an addict. It should have changed something for me, it should have set off an alarm. It didn’t.

Four days later, he relapsed. He had cancelled and then un-cancelled our date. I met him at a Starbucks and on the T back to his place, our legs touched. I felt bad, terrible in a way that I couldn’t name. We watched some Netflix original reality show and then, in his bed, we had sex. We kissed. He told me about his history of self harm and severe mental illness. I talked about my own trauma. It was not a good date. I couldn’t sleep after. In the morning, after he made me eggs and I realized he would not be going to his next AA meeting, I asked, trying not to cry, Will I see you again? He said of course, and then he backed me into a wall and kissed me with a boyish glee. I felt relieved and stupid. Three days later, he told me he couldn’t make it to my place for dinner. He said that he felt like he had encountered me in the wrong moment of his life, that he couldn’t stop drinking, that he was checking himself into a facility, that I meant something to him. I cried that whole weekend. I barely ate. No one could help me.

It was like this for months. Every interaction between us charmed and hurt me. When he was doing well, I was joyous. Otherwise, I was miserable. I skipped meals. I had nightmares. I cried alone in my room, on walks around campus. I lost weight and inches. I felt like I was dying. Somehow, in that strange internal darkness, I realized I was not okay. I wanted to be okay, more than anything. I felt bad all the time and I was tired of feeling bad. In April, I started seeing a therapist. In May, I started seeing a nutritionist.  I went to a support group meeting and read literature about codependency. I felt like it was my fault, my emotions, my own shit. I called my mother and Vivian and Michael. I was defensive about this guy. Addiction is a disease, an addict is not a Bad Person, but he can be a deeply troubled person. 

And then, after all of that, one day in May, he told me that he had gotten involved with someone. It was the way he said it. Two weeks before, in his bed, he had asked if he could undress me. I told him then, sitting outside the Harvard Square T stop, that he was a coward. He flinched, like I hit him. I said, I thought I loved you, but you aren’t who I thought you were. I guess, I didn’t really love you then. I also said, I’m sorry if that hurt you, I don’t mean to hurt you. And he told me, his eyes glassy, that I meant something to him. Of course, I knew that. Of course, it didn’t matter.

I skipped some stuff, or I made it seem small. In May, when I went to that support group meeting, I actually spoke in the group. I said, Every day I feel this intense pressure to try my best. I want to be kind and generous and patient and brave and good. But it’s so much work, being that way. Sometimes, I can’t do it. Sometimes, I just don’t have it in me. On those days, I want to give myself permission, to simply try. On those days, “best” is not the goal. The goal is to keep at it, whatever it is. So, I went to classes and socialized and asked for help. I told my therapist in April, that coming to therapy meant that I wasn’t hopeless, that I hadn’t given up on myself. In March, I presented my paper at an academic conference, as a single author. I was also on a poetry panel with Trista, Amanda, Cyrus, and Iain. How insane to be there with them, to be included in a family of poets.

In June, the man disappeared, moved away without a real goodbye. At the time, I was devastated. I can’t describe the feeling of abandonment, but I thought: love is not for me. I thought it through June and July. I went out with a series of inconsequential men. There’s a photo I saved on my phone, after one of those dates. He wasn’t a bad guy, just boring, just rude. I came home and cried until my mascara had spread across my face. I went back to New York in July, and in between visiting with friends and volunteering at camp, I had a hilarious summer fling, not a story just something for friends to gossip about. Even then, I was lonely. I didn’t run away from it, though. I recognized it. I thought, I should keep trying. Maybe I would find a good thing.

August had me dog-sitting and transliterating Sanskrit books and gearing up for the final year of my master’s degree and looking into various doctoral programs. It was also when I went on a first date with this handsome, funny, smart, and unbelievably kind man, who would eventually become my boyfriend— how weird that word looks here, how funny that it means something to me after all these years. It has felt like emotional whiplash, this year, loving two men. Looking back, it should be easy to say oh that wasn’t really love. But that’s not true. I loved two people this year, just so differently. If the first love made me nervous, the second makes me calm. I was on a bus back to Boston after Thanksgiving and the traffic was terrible and I felt an ugly irritation bubble inside me because of my seat neighbor. I thought about my boyfriend then, his easy smile, how he rubs my back when I cough. What a small thing, but I felt lighter just thinking about it. It sounds silly and cheesy, I know. But I don’t want to belittle it, not here. I don’t think I have ever really felt so good to be with someone before. It is so new to me, this joy, this stability. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I wrote in my journal a few days ago, that I’m not sure if this relationship is good because he is so good, or because I have done the work of trying to lead a healthier life. Is this just a byproduct of one or the other? Or, as Liz says, is this what happens when two Virgos come together? I don’t know, I loved a Virgo once before, and I don’t remember ever feeling this light. This is different. He is different.

In September, I went to Denmark for my ten year reunion camp reunion. I started this blog right after that iconic summer, 16 and strangely tan from all that northern sun. From October through December, I applied to doctoral programs. Yes, again. We’ll see what happens. For the first time, I don’t really know what I want in my future, but I’m trying to trust in the universe to guide me there. I know I want love. It’s hard for me to admit that. I used to scorn women who named that in their list of goals, but it’s important, as important as everything else. I want to feel close to someone. I want a life of meaning, even if it just means something to me. I want to write. I hate that I ever stopped doing that. I feel sometimes like I have wasted my potential there, in writing professionally. I hope that’s not true. I am not ready to give this up, this dream that could still turn into something.

Something that I said a lot this year: whatever happens, I’ll be okay. During a depressive episode a few weeks ago, I thought I was losing everyone in my life, that everyone secretly hated me. What I told myself then, was not that I was crazy or wrong, but that I could deal with it. It’s true. If that happened, I could deal with it. But I hate that response. I wish I fought more. I wish I didn’t turn over so easily. Not that I think I could change someone’s mind. But I wish I didn’t just accept the worst case scenario. Anyway, maybe it’s strange even to debate this. The truth is so far from the worst case scenario. In fact, right now the truth is I am so fucking lucky. Ten years ago, I was just a high school student whining on the internet. Today, I am a Harvard graduate student; I am an author; I have a publication list that makes professors raise their eyebrows; people care about what I write and think; there are people who love me, really love me; I am healthier and happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I worked for this. I earned it. I didn’t give up on me.

I can’t predict anything about the future. I’m always so hilariously wrong. Mostly I hope I never stop trying. 2020 still sounds like a fiction, but it’s real, it’s happening, it’s here. It’s funny, I only ever feel that surprised by joy. I hope that never changes.

[ghostyprince]

title: pull me closer (until we collide)

word count: 4.646 rating: T fandom: BuzzF. Uns. relationship: Ryan B./Shane M. summary: Ryan is seemingly haunted by a spirit that just really wants to hold his hand.

author’s note:  Welp, this is certainly longer than I expected it to be, but oh well! I started this a few months ago and finished it literally today. Special thanks for my friendo @morganmorningstar for helping and test reading, love u dude ❤

[READ ON AO3]

Or read more here

It all started, when Ryan woke to something heavy settling on his palm. He and Shane were all alone in this very creepy house, filming another episode for Unsolved. It took Ryan like four hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep. The floor was too lumpy, or just when Ryan would finally drift off, he'd jerk awake to a knock, or quiet shuffling, that sounded like footsteps. After that, he'd be wide awake again, for at least half an hour, heart beating in his throat like crazy.

And there was someone or something touching him. When he jolted awake by the touch, his first thought was that it must've been Shane. Then, he remembered that Shane wasn't even in the room with him. And why would he be holding his hand anyway? (It might have been a little bit of wishful thinking on Ryan's part).

So naturally, his first reaction was to yell and jump out of his sleeping bag, getting tangled up in it in the process, and nearly twisting an ankle. He took several steps back, frantically looking around in the dark for any presence in the room. Everything seemed to be just as it was before he went to sleep, except for the tall figure standing in the doorway.

Ryan's whole body gone cold in a split second, only half-aware of the strangled noise that escaped his throat.

"Ryan?" The figure spoke, in a deep, scratchy voice that sounded a lot like Shane's. Oh.

"Shane?" Ryan hated how weak he sounded, still on high alert and uncertain.

"The one and only, baby. Well, technically there are a lot of- nevermind that, are you okay, little guy? Heard you screaming your head off." Ryan's eyes adjusted to the dark enough to make out Shane's sleepy, but concerned expression as he leaned on the doorframe.

"Yeah, just... Something touched my hand while I was sleeping."

"Was it furry?" Ryan stared at him.

"What do you mean, was it furry?"

"You know, rats." Shane scrunched up his nose, and Ryan burst into a laugh, the unease seeped out of his body like it wasn't even there in the first place. Shane really just had that effect on him every damn time.

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if a rat would nestle itself on my hand, dude."

"Yeah, probably."

"It felt like- it felt like a hand." Ryan still felt the weight of it, and it made him shudder. It was so warm, much warmer than a human which was weird in itself, Ryan would've expected a spirit or whatever that was to be cold.

"I'm sure it was nothing, Ryan. Maybe you were just dreaming."

"I know I was awake, dude! I'm not staying here alone, fuck that. I'm moving to the other room with you." Ryan knew he shouldn't have been so snappy, and irritated, but he's scared and sleep-deprived and hated everything at the moment.

"Sure, if that makes you feel better." Shane shrugged. Ryan hoped it would. He grabbed the sleeping bag and his backpack following Shane to the room next door where he's stationed at. They left the camera recording in the Ryan was in, just in case, if there would be some activity later in the night.

Ryan set up his sleeping bag a few feet away from Shane, who was already climbing back to his own.

"'Night, Ry. Don't let the demons hold your hand." Shane said in a sing-song voice, his back is turned towards Ryan can see his shoulders trembling, in silent laughter. Dick.

"Shut up, Shane." If Ryan was grinning fondly, no one needed to know.

The second time Ryan felt the same hand-like weight settle on his own happened when he slept in the same room as Shane once more, on location. They were a good five feet apart, so even Shane with his long noodle arms shouldn't have been able to reach him. Ryan bolted up into a sitting position, jerking his hand back so fast, he hit himself in the chest. "Shane?"

He must've called out too silently, voice shaking too hard because Shane hadn't moved. If Ryan stayed very still he could barely make out his friend's soft snores. Of course, he was sleeping like a baby while Ryan was about to have a fucking panic attack from ghosts or demons wanting to hold hands with him.

"Well, this worked last time," he muttered, solely talking to himself at this point. He took a big gulp of air and stood up, legs shaking. He wanted to move quickly, but at the same time, he didn't want Shane to wake up and see him pulling his sleeping bag as close to Shane's as he dared. It would've been really fucking embarrassing, and Shane most certainly would've laughed at him.

As soon as he was close enough to Shane, so it calmed him down a little, he darted back under the cover of the sleeping bag, as if it would protect him. He made sure none of his limbs were hanging out and covered himself up to his nose, which thankfully wasn't too difficult considering his height. He could and would submerge himself in the sleeping bag entirely if he wouldn't need to breathe.

Sleep hadn't come for a long time for Ryan. He was uncomfortable and hot, but he was terrified whatever kept touching him would do it again if he'd peel the covers off himself just a little. It made his face burn in shame. He was acting like a child and they probably had to throw away half of the night footage because Ryan was acting like a baby.

Sometimes, he didn't know what Shane actually thought about him. They've been friends for years, best pals, and they've never talked about what would happen if Ryan was honest to God terrified one day. Sure, Shane genuinely tried to calm him down a few times, distracting Ryan with silly jokes, and asking if he was okay in that soft tone Ryan treasured to hear.

If something big were to happen, would he actually believe Ryan, though?

Because he was pretty sure 'something big' was real, and happening, and instead of waking him up just to find comfort in Shane's teasing, it made him afraid of being judged.

He cared a lot about his friend's opinion, even more so than he probably would've cared about some other friend's. Unsolved brought them closer than ever, but the show also widened the gap between them when it came to their belief system. Ryan didn't care most of the time, despite that, they were still a great duo. It was fine.

Until it wasn't, because he started developing, or perhaps resurfacing some feelings for that tall dork.

Feelings, he vaguely remembered carefully tucking away into the far corner of his mind, into the Never To Be Touched Again box.

And there he was, putting his hands all over it, letting it slowly consume him.

He knew he was overthinking, and all of these messy thoughts would seem ridiculous in the morning, but goddammit, Ryan was scared and guilty and sleep-deprived. He deserved to be a little dramatic.

That also didn't mean there was no truth to them.

If Shane noticed their sleeping bag was way closer to each other in the morning, he didn't say anything about it.

Ryan's Flirty Ghost Problem (as Shane lovingly referred to it) hadn't ceased, in fact, the occasions seemed to increase in number. The warm hand settled on his own every single time he tried to get some sleep outside of his home. Not just at locations, but in hotel rooms, at Shane's apartment at some point during one of their late-night editing session that turned into a sleepover. The only place he could actually feel safe sleeping at was his apartment. Whatever demon or ghost attached itself onto Ryan, it couldn't reach him there it seemed like.

He thought about the issue constantly, approaching it like he approached his True Crime research. The first few times it was a pretty terrifying experience, but it became obvious whatever was the cause, it didn't mean any harm. Ryan never felt threatened by the warm weight of that hand, even though his own paranoia still scared him a little when it happened.

He took notes of everything he knew or suspected so far. It wasn't human (Ryan was so sure of that), seemed harmless and only occurred when Shane was in close proximity to him. And that last point was the one that intrigued Ryan the most because Shane was the only constant in the situation.

He couldn't just confront him about it though, what would he even say? 'Hey dude, are you astral projecting your hand on mine when we sleep in the same room?' That makes no sense at all. He wanted to tell it to someone though, and Shane was his best buddy. Everyone else would think he was crazy.

Shane also made the mistake of asking and that's how they ended up at the library. They weren't filming, but Ryan had papers splayed out on the table in front of him. And Shane was sipping his coffee, all soft like he just woke up because it was eight in the damn morning, so he literally did just wake up.

"Ryan, this is so dumb, nothing is haunting you." Shane sighed after listening to Ryan rambling on about how a ghost attached itself onto him or whatever the hell.

"Then how do you explain it?" Ryan crossed his arms in front of his chest, narrowing his eyes at him and scoffing when Shane only shrugged.

"I don't know, Ry. It could be anything, you could just be..." He cut himself off before he could say anything insensitive.

"Hallucinating? Is that what you think? That I'm making all of this up?" He asked, looking so hurt, Shane's chest tightened.

"That's not what I mean at all. But it could have a logical explanation, it doesn't have to be ghosts. You've been really overworking yourself lately, I always tell you to get more sleep and eat enough, you have to take care of yourself, Ryan." Shane reached out to put a hand on his arm, and squeeze gently. He was more serious, seeing how much this incident actually affected Ryan.

"I know what I felt, Shane. And it keeps happening, I can't sleep anywhere outside my house and even then I keep waking up in the middle of the night every single day, because what if today it will happen in my room, too? I just want it to fucking stop." Ryan said quietly, he sounded so genuinely exhausted it nearly broke Shane's heart. He should've taken this more seriously from the beginning. Ryan was also staring at Shane's hand forgotten on his arm, so he pulled it away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. Even when he wouldn't have minded to keep it there.

"Alright, give me the theories then, little guy! Who or what is your main suspect? I'll get my detective brain ready." Shane grabbed his red pen and flipped open his notebook, ready to connect some goddamn dots. He wrote Ryan's Flirty Ghost Suspects on the top of the page in big blocky letters and showed it to him, delighted by the laugh Ryan gave him when he read it.

"You're such an idiot," Ryan muttered, shaking his head a bit like he couldn't believe it himself. It was an insult, but Shane heard the fondness and gratefulness behind those words.

"Well, I didn't know how to bring it up, because you'll think it's stupid, but the main suspect is uhh- You."

"Me?" Shane's eyebrows nearly rose up to his hairline. "Why would I be holding your hand while you're trying to sleep?"

He laughed, way too nervously for his own liking. If Ryan figured out that Shane has feelings for him he'll have to deal with that right then and there and he wasn't even ready to fully accept those feelings himself, hoping that ignoring them would make them go away one day. It was about two years of constant pining later when he stopped hoping. The little fuckers weren't going anywhere.

"I mean, not you but it only seems to happen when you're around. And when you're also asleep. Probably. I don't know that yet." Ryan shrugged, helplessly. It did sound pretty dumb when he said it out loud, but it was all he could go by.

"Well, we're having a sleepover then. Your place, today. If your schedule is clear." Shane said, without giving it any consideration, and immediately regretting it. Well, he can't back out now, can he?

"What, why?" Ryan looked up from the process of gathering his papers, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

"Because we're going to investigate, that's why. We will test your theory. Sleep in the same room, at your place, so we can also check if it's ghost-proof or not."

"Alright, I'm in." Ryan shrugged, because what could go wrong?

A lot can go wrong, apparently.

"Come on, man you can't sleep on the couch, think of your back. It's almost even too small for me." Ryan snorted when Shane came up with the ridiculous idea of crashing on his couch. He spent a night on it, after having a little too much to drink to find his bedroom successfully. It was the most uncomfortable he felt in his life, the following day.

"Where would I sleep anyway? We wanted to test if we really need to be in the same room for it to happen.

"Good point." Shane sat up with a defeated sigh from where he was laying on the couch, legs dangling off the side. "What do you suggest then?"

"I don't know, the bed? We slept in the same bed before, it won't be weird." Ryan sounded like he tried to convince himself too.

"Sure, we can use the bed then." Shane stood and walked towards Ryan's bedroom, just like that. Like the thought of sleeping in the same bed with Ryan didn't make his hands shake with nerves or excitement, maybe a little bit of both, like it made Ryan's. And it probably didn't, Ryan thought, disappointment squeezing at his chest.

Shane's been only in Ryan's bedroom a handful of times, so it felt a little awkward, having him there and not for the reason of Shane pushing him down on the bed, kissing him silly. Ryan stopped that fantasy right there before it had gotten out of hand. Sleeping together would be awkward enough, he didn't need an accidental boner on top it all.

Instead, he focused his attention on the clothes strewn across his unmade bed, and on the chair in front of his desk, painfully aware of how messy his room was. They came here directly after work, hung out and watched a movie they both wanted to see but never had the time for.

"Sorry for the mess, I haven't had the chance to clean up," Ryan said, embarrassed, scrambling to clean the clothes off the bed and throw them into his closet as an impromptu attempt at cleaning. Shane put his hands on his shoulders and looked him directly in the eyes. Ryan stared back, taken aback and vaguely aware of his face burning.

"Calm down, Ryan. It will be alright. I'm here so the ghost can't get you." He had this soft, barely teasing smile on his face and Ryan thought it was insanely unfair how handsome Shane was. How sweet and understanding, even when he thought all of what they were doing was horseshit. How could anyone possibly expect him to not fall in love?

"And anyway, if it turns out that I'm the ghost, you just have to learn to live with it." He added with a shit eating grin and let go of him.

"I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure if you'd be a ghost you'd know about it, big guy." Ryan huffed, finding himself smiling fondly at his friend once again.

"You don't know that. Maybe I don't know I'm dead. It happens in movies all the time"

"I would know if you'd be dead!"

"You could be a figment of my imagination in the afterlife." Shane deadpanned.

"God, just shut up." Ryan snorted, shoulders shaking from laughter as he goes through his closet to find something for Shane to sleep in. Finding a shirt that fit was manageable, they were roughly wearing the same size. Pants, however, those are difficult. Anything that Ryan owned was most probably way too short and small for Shane. They never had this problem when Ryan was sleeping over at Shane's, all of his clothes are baggy on him.

"I can just sleep in my underwear if that's cool with you. It doesn't bother me." Shane suggests after a few moments of awkward silence of Ryan rummaging through his closet. He turned towards him, considering it for a moment.

"It doesn't bother me either," Ryan said, you know, like a liar.

"Shane, your elbow is digging in my back."

"Sorry." There was some shifting from behind Ryan, and then a knee was pressed against the back of his thigh.

"Still bad."

"Your bed is too small, I have to pull up my legs."

"My bed is normal sized, your fucking bone stilts are too long!"

"Stop insulting them, you'll hurt their feelings."

Ryan made a frustrated noise into his pillow and turned around to face Shane, they were closer than he thought they would be. He wasn't able to make out a lot of him in the dark, but Shane was definitely looking at him, he could see the outline of his messy hair, and one of his bony shoulders, his collarbone, peaking out from under the shirt, begging for Ryan to kiss it. His gaze flicked back at Shane's who was still just looking at him, with this unreadable expression that broke as soon as Ryan spoke, quietly.

"Here. This is better."

"Yeah, it is." Shane murmured, almost dazed.

It took a while for Ryan to fell asleep, Shane has been softly snoring next to him for a while before he could doze off too. Shane's breathing actually calmed him down a lot, it was something to focus his attention on, trying to sync it with his own and shortly, he was out like a light.

Until he woke up in the middle of the night, to the weight of a hand on his own. His eyes snapped open and he almost let out a yelp. A weak whimper was what came out instead, that he's really glad nobody heard when he realized Shane's arm was tucked under him, pulling him close in his sleep. His other hand rested gently on Ryan's own between them.

Ryan would've laughed in relief if he wouldn't have been chest to chest pressed against Shane, him breathing into Ryan's neck. Oh God, how was he supposed to go to back to sleep like that?

Somehow he managed to do so, convincing himself that if Shane's hand was on his the demon/ghost couldn't do shit. It sounded reasonable at three in the morning. As for the awkwardness of them basically cuddling, well, he thought morning-Ryan can deal with that. Sleep-deprived, 3AM-Ryan buried his face into Shane's hair, breathing him in, indulging in all that he can take before the morning comes and they probably won't ever talk about it again, in favor of not fucking up their friendship.

When the morning did come, Ryan hoped, before even opening his eyes, that Shane would stay, that they would talk, and maybe, if things go right they would make out, among other things. Once again, he painfully had to come to the realization that his life wasn't a Hallmark movie because Shane was gone. And no, he hadn't been in the kitchen, making breakfast, or in Ryan's small bathroom, running the shower. Ryan couldn't rush up to him and finally yank his stupid face into a kiss, so they could laugh about it later. Shane just fucking left and the dread that settled in Ryan's stomach stubbornly stayed there throughout the whole day.

What was even worse is that Shane had acted as nothing happened. He cheerily told Ryan at their desks that "You see, no ghosts were assaulting you,  I'm not related to your ghost-problem!"

Ryan had no care for the stupid ghost anymore. How was he supposed to ask Shane to explain himself when he had no right to do so in the first place? He could've asked Why were you gone in the morning? or You could've texted me at least. and most importantly,  I wanted you to stay.

Instead, he laughed, and shut his mouth, afraid of the answers he'd receive. And that was it, they both gone back to staring at their screens. They were back to square one then, always afraid to take the final big step, that leap of faith, because Ryan was kind of a coward.

But then Ryan realized something, as he looked at Shane, really looked at him. His usually elegantly messy hair was even more of a disaster like he kept carding his hands through it the whole morning. His eyes were tired too, for someone who had enough sleep, Ryan should know, he was right there. Shane acted well put together, but Ryan realized right then and there that Shane was kind of a coward too.

When Ryan finally decided to get his head out of his ass and kiss Shane, they were staying overnight at a supposedly haunted cabin just at the edge of the endless forest behind it. It was creepy as hell, to say the least, so Ryan was glad the cabin had only one room, where they put down their sleeping bags, closer to each other than they normally would, because it was pretty chilly out there.

None of them made a big deal out of it when it was time to go to bed they set up the night cameras and a comfortable silence fell upon them, only broken by one of them quietly snorting at something they saw on social media.

Ryan doesn't remember falling asleep, but he was certainly woke up by an arm around his waist, and a hand on top of his. Similarly to that night, he woke up cuddled up to Shane. Ryan didn't even open his eyes, his racing heart somewhat calmed down, because it was just Shane, but holy fuck it was Shane. Ryan didn't know what exactly gave him the courage, it could've been the fact that it was probably around 2 or 3 AM, and everything felt less real. He knew if he didn't kiss Shane then and there, he'd never do it.

So he leaned up, eyes still closed, aiming for Shane's lips. He mostly got it right, but he wasn't prepared for how abnormally hot they felt. That's when Ryan realized that something was very wrong. He opened his eyes. It wasn't Shane looking back at him, but a pitch black person shaped mass instead. It had horns, and bright red eyes, boring right into his soul.

There was silence for a second, then two, then Ryan screamed, scrambling backward, away from that demonic thing, and Shane right behind it, who bolted right up into a sitting position, woken by Ryan screaming fucking murder in the middle of the night.

"What the hell, Ryan? Are you okay?"

Ryan barely heard him over the blood rushing into his ears at the sight of the demon gradually phasing onto Shane, melting into him as if it belonged there. And Shane wasn't affected by it at all, still staring at him, concerned and lips moving, the words never reaching Ryan. He just saw his friend get possessed, with his own two eyes and he felt like he was gonna pass out.

Suddenly Shane was in front of him, hands on Ryan's shoulders, telling him to breathe and it felt like Ryan was slammed right back into his body, he was breathing again, taking big gulps of air.

"I think I kissed a demon." Was the first thing he blurted out when he finally felt stable enough to talk.

"What?" Shane starts laughing, and sure, the sheer panic which he said that with is kind of funny, but this was serious stuff. And oh God, Shane was probably possessed and Ryan didn't know what the hell to do.

"Ry? Calm down, it's okay. I'm here, I'm here." Shane's voice had gone soft, and deep, his thumb rubbed soothing circles into Ryan's shoulder. "Tell me what happened, alright?"

"I woke up to uh, someone hugging me. I thought it was you. And when I opened my eyes, it was this black mass, with red eyes and- and horns. I think it was a demon, it must have been. And I think- are you possessed? I just saw the thing going inside you when you woke up. It's- I'm terrified, dude. Please tell me you're not possessed."

Ryan just noticed how violently he was shaking and gripping Shane's arms desperately.

"I'm not possessed, I promise. I'm alright, see?"

Shane's smile hadn't quite reached his eyes, it was gone as soon as it showed up, leaving his lips in a thin line. In the faint light of the flashlight of Shane's phone that he probably turned on when Ryan was freaking out he could see how pale he was. He almost looked scared, which definitely didn't soothe Ryan's nerves.

"What's going on Shane? You know something that I don't."

"Did you just try to kiss me?" Shane asked, blatantly avoiding the subject. "You said you thought I was the one hugging you and then you kissed it. Does that mean you wanted to kiss me?"

"I- yeah? I do," Ryan stammered, eyes wide and possibly just as scared as he was two minutes ago. "But that's not the point now, stop avoid-"

Shane's lips were on his, effectively shutting him up and Ryan lost all of his willpower, melting into him. Every thought and worry he previously had got thrown out the window because Shane fucking kissed him, he even chased after Ryan's lips after he had to pull back to breathe, and that was a hell of a thought.

"I'll explain everything. Later, not now. I'm not possessed, you're not haunted and I've been a little in love with you for years now." Shane was smiling, he looked just as hopeful as Ryan felt.

"Okay, fine. I'm probably crazy, but I trust you. By the way, I'm a little in love with you too," Ryan huffed, his heart picked up the pace again, because fuck, everything got so real all of a sudden. The way Shane grinned at him was so worth that confession, he would say it over and over again just to see him smile like that for the rest of his life. He sure had it bad, and he couldn't even care, his heart was so full for this idiot of a man in front of him.

"But if you stab me in my sleep I will haunt your ass so hard, Shane, I swear to God!"

"Is that a metaphor for something? Haunting my ass real hard? Sounds kinky." Shane winked, just to annoy him. Ryan bristled, clearly giving Shane the reaction he was looking for because he had that smug grin on his face again and Ryan was amazed by the fact that he's allowed to kiss it off whenever he pleases.

"Shut up, you're such an asshole."

Shane indeed shut up, pressing his lips against Ryan's again. And again, and again until none of them felt the need to saying anything else.

[artificialqueens]

i don't want to be alone anymore (branjie) -- frenchy

a/n: hi hi!! i want to thank you all for the love on my first part of this story, i appreciate that more than you know!!! i decided to give it a second part, though both can be read on their own. & yes i am running this billy joel song title theme with the names. ps. i can be found at alaskathunder on tumblr & also now at frenchys on ao3, where these will end up eventually, along with others, i definitely plan to write more things & pairings soon. hope y'all enjoy, angels!! <3

@Bhytes1: @VanessaVanjie I’m going to Starbucks you want something?

*****

Brooke wasn’t sure how they did it, how they proceeded to shamelessly flirt online as if their private kiss hadn’t even happened only a few nights ago. If it wasn’t for the video evidence, she could have sworn that entire night was a fever dream. Part of her almost wished that she didn’t remember it so vividly, that the way Vanessa touched her and kissed her with no audience wasn’t so detailed in her head. Wished she didn’t have to stop herself from smiling when she remembered it.

It was one thing remembering and thinking about the kiss – she couldn’t change that that happened, and that she didn’t stop it. If anything, she wanted it. She knew it was partly on her for leaning into it, and for getting upset that it hadn’t lasted even longer. She couldn’t blame Vanessa for that. But she could blame Vanessa for what she said.

“At some point we have to quit pretending like this is only for the fans.”

If Brooke thought she was over analyzing these social media interactions before, she was even more fucked now. She only assumed this is how the fans felt on the daily, trying to decipher everything, trying to figure out if this was all Vanessa playing into the contract or using it to hint at how she really felt. How she still felt.

It was futile to put any music on as she took her time getting into drag for the viewing party tonight, where she’d be joining Phi Phi O’hara in a screening of episode 5 – the Monster Ball. No attempts at turning up said music could stop her mind from being only focused on Vanessa, on the moment they shared, on the fact that she had to spend another night reliving the honeymoon phase of their relationship on a giant screen in front of an audience.

Just as Brooke anticipated, it was rough. No. Rough was an understatement. She was conscious of how often she gazed dreamily into the screen, star-eyed. Watching them kiss, and comfort each other, and not be able to predict their fate.

She didn’t expect anyone else to notice, too.

“Can I ask you something? Without you getting defensive?” Phi Phi asked after the episode and Brooke’s consequent performance, standing against the closed dressing room door. She kept her distance, her prodding question accompanied by a sensitive color in her voice. Brooke knew she was trying her best to sound open minded, borderline empathetic.

Brooke sighed. “Shoot,” she encouraged the other queen, but didn’t look up. Phi Phi’s second question was enough to warn her that this wouldn’t be a lighthearted conversation.

“If it wasn’t for the fans. Or the publicity, or the ratings, or the – you get the point,” Phi Phi cut herself off, presuming that Brooke heard enough synonyms. “Would you care?”

Brooke stopped fiddling with her bobby pin, blinking up at Phi Phi through the mirror. “What do you mean?”

“Would you be able to stop all this weird, mysterious twitter stuff tomorrow and not give it a second thought?” Phi Phi wasn’t sure if Brooke was just deflecting, or if she was really that far removed from reality and genuinely needed the simplifying. “Not miss him in your life?” At the use of ‘him’, Brooke knew this was deeper than just not having Vanjie as a fellow queen and friend. “I know it’s none of my business, but if you could see what I saw – the way you watched that episode out there tonight – you’d be asking the same thing.” Phi Phi shrugged, and Brooke hated her for it. She hated how easily Phi Phi could get into her head and understand. Worst of all, she hated how Phi Phi saw it her duty to confront Brooke about it. Maybe she’d thank her in the future, but for now she was brimming with frustration.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, okay?” Another sigh, this one inspired by her own irritation and defeat. “One second we’re flirting and both understanding that we need to stop it before it goes too far. The next we’re –” Brooke stopped, closing her eyes as to stop herself from admitting to Phi Phi what went down the other night. Was it even a big deal? As big as she was clearly making it in her own mind?

“You’re…?” Phi Phi lifted an eyebrow, coaxing Brooke’s frustrated rant. Feelings could be spared for the truth.

Brooke took a deep breath, steadying herself, hands planted onto the table. “We kissed. Like, actually kissed. And I don’t know what her intentions are.”

“Well, I recommend figuring that out. Maybe talk to her? You guys are clearly not on awful terms, how hard could that be?” Phi Phi pressed.

You have no idea, Brooke thought. “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks, girl,” Brooke smiled at Phi Phi, hoping her appreciation was evident.

*****

She was thrilled to finally share the photos taken of her Monster Ball looks, looks that proved successful in the challenge. She was especially thrilled at the comments regarding her final look, the one that she had fabricated herself. A storm of tulle and black fabric, off the shoulder, with a snake wrapped tastefully around her neck. The more she looked at it, the more critical, but she would defend her win.

She scrolled through the comments, smiling at the sufficient compliments and praise. How would she ever stop being appreciative of everyone who appreciated her back?

Her finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Vanessa’s Instagram handle, a blue check verifying it wasn’t a fan account.

@vanessavanjie: Put my snake around ya neck

She didn’t know whether to like it, comment some orange heart emojis and move on or to roll her eyes after what had happened the other night.

She chose a third option.

If Vanjie wants to keep playing this, then fine. I’ll play along, she thought before hitting send on the comment.

@bhytes: @vanessavanjie haven’t we already done that?

Brooke barely had time to think about the repercussions of her remark before she received a text, shocked at the speed at which Vanessa saw the comment.

Vanjie: Careful there Brooky Poo

Vanjie: Don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea

Brooke felt her heart rate speed up with no gradual increase, immediately beating fast enough to shatter through her rib-cage and land across the room only upon reading Vanessa’s messages. She took a deep breath and typed, then retyped her message a few times, wondering if Vanessa was watching the dots disappear and reappear. Wondering if it was killing her just as much as it was Brooke. When did they turn into giddy teenagers again, instead of professionals with a common goal?

Brooke: What if i do?

She decided against adding a winking face to the end of her reply, but it didn’t stop her from immediately locking her phone and throwing it to her side. God, she needed a cigarette. And maybe a cold shower now. She’d revisit that idea depending on what her phone read next.

As if on cue, she heard the buzz of the phone ring through the bed. She took a minute to gather herself – or prepare herself was maybe the better way to put it. With a reluctance she could only blame on her fear of misunderstanding, Brooke let her hand approach her phone again. It was silly, she thought, how she could fear misunderstanding Vanessa’s intentions even after her initiation of the kiss making it fairly clear how she felt about them.

Vanjie: Oh

Two minutes ago. Brooke tried to ignore the way her heart dropped at the one-word answer; one she couldn’t even see herself replying to in a way that made sense. Maybe it was best left there, and Vanessa really was just adding a playful comment that held no substance.

She was moments away from plugging her phone in for the night and setting it aside with an air of defeat, when it buzzed in her hand. A message from Vanessa. She held her breath as she slid to open it.

Vanjie: You home?

She never exhaled quicker, and never replied quicker, either.

Brooke: Text me when you’re here.

Brooke couldn’t have anticipated what came over her to make her invite Vanessa to come over, if not beg her to come, following her last text with a sharing of her location and hotel room number. All she could do was thank the universe that they were in the same city, which was rare considering their consistent interviews, appearances and performances.

She didn’t think she had been this nervous about something since they first began seeing each other, minus possibly the night that the cast was revealed. And deep within she knew that perhaps her nerves were fruitless – what guaranteed that she and Vanessa would even do anything beyond talk? She wouldn’t dare get her hopes up based on an Instagram comment that was no different than their usual flirt-mance. But she also knew that she had to take this opportunity to confront this, whatever it was.

It wasn’t long before she heard a faint, yet urgent, knock on the door, though it felt like forever. Rolling her eyes, Brooke made her way to the door to the room, opening it with a look of counterfeit annoyance. “I told you to text me when you got here, bitch.”

“Shut up,” Vanessa was quiet, fondness diminishing the harshness of her words. “Can I come in or not?”

Brooke stepped aside, allowing Vanessa to pass her and enter the dimly lit hotel room. Brooke watched her for a moment, so caught up in the way she smelled and the way her hat sat backwards on her head in the most endearing way possible that she almost forgot to close the door.

“Don’t forget to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign out,” Vanessa called behind her, laughing to herself before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Brooke, who followed her into the larger area. Vanessa’s laugh didn’t linger after seeing Brooke’s humorless expression. “I was kidding.”

“You have no idea how hard it was, Vanjie, to watch that episode up there. Phi Phi actually clocked me, y’know. The way I looked at you up there. No doubt some of the fans did, too. It was the hardest thing. You don’t even know.”

“You think I wasn’t watching the same episode? I never said it was easy for me, Brooke,” Vanessa didn’t let her continue, nor did she let the incredulous laugh leave her lips, in fear of making Brooke more upset. “I don’t like watching it either.”

“I think I’m confused,” Brooke didn’t mean to change the topic so abruptly, but this had been bugging her for days. “This was your idea. It was your idea to take a break – said you knew the ‘pressures that came with TV’,” Brooke’s immediate dive into the deep end caught Vanessa off guard. If she knew that her visit would turn into her own interrogation, she would have stayed home. “You were the one who said this wouldn’t work, Jose,” Brooke stood her ground, arms folded across her chest. Vanessa didn’t like the way she looked down upon her. Cringed at the way her real name was used. “Why the change of heart?”

“It’s not a change of heart,” Vanessa countered, eyes lit with a newfound boldness. “It’s the… same heart, just. Tired of hiding it. Which, we can keep doing it, we don’t gotta tell anyone anything. But, B,” she stood then, moving to take hold of Brooke’s hands, forcing her to uncross her arms. “I’m not a fan of us lying to ourselves, to each other.”

“Yeah? And when you tweet another flirty reply or comment something on my next live, then what? I’m not a fan of not being able to tell the real from the fake.”

“Tell me this is fake,” Vanessa was calm when she said it, her words and the way she slid her hand to the back of Brooke’s neck serving as the only preparation for the way she brought their lips together. Brooke couldn’t act surprised, like she didn’t anticipate this after their texts and intuition that what happened in that office wasn’t a one-off thing. Her expectation helped her react faster this time, without letting Vanessa end the moment before Brooke had a chance to take action. It was a much necessary continuation of what they didn’t get to finish prior to Vanessa’s performance.

Her frustration, her passion, her longing all charged Brooke into flipping their positions, hands on Vanessa’s shoulders as she held the shorter man against the wall she had been leaning against, prompting a whimper to pass between them from Vanjie’s lips. This was no sweet reunion kiss, but one that had been months in the making.

Brooke could feel Vanessa’s smile after they parted, nothing but heat in the space between them (or lack thereof), their lips still phantoms on each other. “I’m waiting,” she whispered against Brooke’s lips, all victorious smiles. “Tell me.”

“Didn’t you already try this the other day?” Brooke didn’t return her smile, but Vanessa could hear it in her voice.

“Worked, didn’t it?” She carded her hand through the barely-there hair at the back of Brooke’s neck, oblivious to how badly Brooke wanted to kiss that damn smirk off her face. “All you been thinking about, isn’t it? Our kiss?” Brooke tried to step back, though she still felt Vanessa’s hand on her, the other one now coming up to rest on Brooke’s waist. “Shit, I gotta say, though, I think I liked this one better.”

“Yeah?” Brooke cursed herself for the teasing spirit in her voice, but for some reason, she couldn’t help it. Something about Vanessa was electrifying, intoxicating her even after a year. Kicking all her resolve and purpose under the hotel carpet.

“Mhmm,” Vanjie’s eyes lay heavy-lidded, her hunger telling through her gaze. Brooke knew due to her makeup-free face that her bedroom eyes weren’t painted on deliberately. She also knew that she held the same ache in her own body, wondered if her own eyes were as teasing as her voice. “You wanna Instagram live this or somethin’?”

Brooke found herself laughing more at the way Vanessa’s suggestive voice didn’t match her sarcastic question rather than the implication itself. “Oh, fuck off,” she laughed under her breath, swatting Vanjie’s chest as gently as possible, her hand lingering there. They both glanced down at the contact, reminding Brooke of the way their eyes had been jointly fixed on Vanessa’s hand in the room at the club, mindlessly tracing patterns into Brooke’s leg. But there was somehow more tension now, the tension only slightly more comfortable than it had been before. Less fear, but just as much caution and the question of ‘What are we doing?’ not yet obsolete.

It was Brooke who leaned in first this time with little hesitance, hand spreading out more against Vanessa’s chest, twisting delicately in her shirt. Her kisses transferred from lips, to cheek, to jaw, then placing open mouthed kisses along the shorter queen’s neck, evoking a throaty moan above her.

“C’mere,” Brooke wondered if she only imagined the rasped whisper, and she blinked back up at Vanessa, who looked desperate. Brooke noted the way her tattoo was coated red under the flush on her neck and chest, only the top of it visible from under her black T-shirt. She noted the way Vanessa’s breathing was ragged. She looked so fucked, so in disarray, and they hadn’t even taken their shirts off yet.

Brooke’s stomach knotted at just the suggestion that she had that power.

Vanessa pulled her back up, hands coming to hold the sides of Brooke’s face and kissing her with a passion that they hadn’t yet reached before. It was a kiss that guaranteed to Brooke that this wasn’t a convenient fuck, or make out, or just Vanessa feeling lonely.

“I have a flight tonight,” Brooke broke between their kiss and their gasping for breath. “God, I’d give anything to stay here. You know that, right?” She studied Vanjie’s eyes, needed to know that Vanessa understood her intentions. She’d rather do anything than have to look at the pout she looked at now on Vanessa’s face.

“You could stay. What’s one flight?” Vanessa whined, pressing kisses along Brooke’s jaw, her knee pushing between the other’s legs. “I miss you,” she breathed against Brooke’s ear, arms enveloping the taller man.

“You know it’s not that easy. This isn’t stuff we can put off, not like we put off each other. I wish I didn’t have to leave you.”

Vanessa sighed and slumped back against the wall, a hand coming up to run through her hair after the other had lifted her hat off. The broken connection between Vanessa’s flushed face and body, and her disappointed expression, broke Brooke’s heart more than she thought it would.

“That’s cool. I said what I said, and I know now that you’re not so innocent yourself, Miss Brooke Lynn, just like I said so,” Vanessa pointed a finger into Brooke’s chest accusingly, her eyes sparkling with warmth. “Who’s right again? Miss Vanessa Vanjie Isabella Mateo Hytes. Bam!” With a snap of her fingers, Vanessa pulled away from Brooke’s grasp, sliding against the wall she had been held against and back towards the door. Brooke watched her gather her things – her phone, only.

“Where are you going?”

Vanessa turned back around, puzzled. “You said you got a flight tonight. I can’t come with you.”

Brooke mimicked Vanjie’s pout from before, sitting herself down on the side of the bed and extending her arms. “You said you missed me. You made it very clear. My flight’s not until later tonight. You can stay. Until then, I mean. I want you to.”

And who was Vanessa to refuse that invitation.

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel Season 12: A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality.

Season 12 Summary Analysis

Cas is ecstatic that Dean survived the confrontation with Amara. Cas, Dean, Sam, and Crowley work together to find Lucifer, and they successfully exorcise him from the President. When Dean and Sam get captured, Cas blames himself and feels lost without them. After Cas kills Billie to save Mary, he and Dean bicker and fight like an old married couple. During a near-death experience while fighting Ramiel, Cas professes his love for the Winchesters. After losing Kelly a second time, Cas leaves to find her and seeks help from the angels, avoiding Dean out of shame for failing him multiple times. Dean calls Cas out for disappearing, but is quick to forgive him and expresses his feelings that they are “better together.” Cas cannot bring himself to kill Kelly, and he ends up channeling the nephilim’s power to defeat Dagon. Cas latches onto his belief that the nephilim can be good for the world and leaves the Winchesters yet again. When Cas is killed by Lucifer, Dean is absolutely devastated.

My interpretation: Cas and Dean’s improved communication with each other early in the season indicates a higher lever of closeness and familiarity than before, as shown through their ability to communicate with looks and through Castiel’s increased ability to pick up on Dean’s sarcasm. Cas shows genuine concern for Mary because he knows how much she means to Dean and knows how much she cares for Dean and Sam. Despite the apparent “cosmic consequences,” Cas kills Billie to save Mary because he cares for her and because he can’t bear to see Dean suffer her loss a second time. Castiel’s confrontation with Ishim reminds him of how much he has changed for the better as a result of Dean’s (and Sam’s) influence, but he still has some lingering self-loathing issues carried over from season 11. Cas repeatedly places the well-being of the Winchesters over his own, and feels unworthy of Dean’s affection. Cas avoids Dean because he cannot bear to disappoint him, and he grows more emotionally distant over the course of the season. Dean understands and accepts Castiel’s behavior and forgives him multiple times for his failures and disappearances, exhibiting truly unconditional love toward him.

12.01 Keep Calm and Carry On

As soon as Cas sees Dean is alive, he gives him a big hug.

When Dean introduces Cas to his Mom, Cas acts slightly awkward.

Cas recognizes Mary’s discomfort with being alive again and tries to make her feel better: “This must be difficult for you. I remember my first moments on Earth. It was jarring.” “One word for it. I grew up with hunters. I’ve heard of people coming back from the dead before. But to actually do it, after 30 years? A lot’s changed. A lot.”

12.02 Mamma Mia

Dean confides in Cas that he feels weird about his mom being back. Cas listens and then gives him advice: “Don’t make things needlessly complicated, as you humans tend to do. I’ll call you.” Dean is annoyed at Castiel’s words: “That’s helpful. Thanks.”

When Cas finds the building where Sam is located, he recognizes Dean’s frustration with his communication style: “Did you have a look inside?” “No. No, it’s powerfully warded.” “Powerfully warded? Okay, see, buddy, that was your headline right there.” “Are we still discussing the same thing?”

When Mary tries to go with Dean, Dean gives Cas a look. Cas understands and comes up with an excuse to persuade Mary to stay with him.

12.03 The Foundry

Castiel admits to Mary that he’s still not sure where he belongs, but he tries to make her feel better, showing genuine concern for her: “Castiel, after you left heaven, when did it start to feel like you fit, like you belonged here?” “Well, I’m still not sure I do.” “Yeah...” “Mary, you DO belong here.”

Cas leaves to find Lucifer without Sam and Dean and calls them out for not taking care of Mary: “If it is him, I will call you. In the meantime, I think you’re needed here.”

Cas fixes his appearance in the mirror before approaching someone’s door (a learned behavior from Dean).

Cas is sarcastic with Crowley (another learned behavior from Dean): “You’re just mad because you’re only my second choice for a Lucifer hunt team-up.” “No, actually, I think it’s sweet. I thought your motivation was ambition and revenge, but now I know you just want to save your mother.”

12.04 American Nightmare

Dean is weirded out by Cas working with Crowley: “Yes, Cas, that’s weird! It’s really, REALLY weird.”

12.05 The One You’ve Been Waiting For

Sam calls Dean out for suppressing his confused feelings about their Mom: “...you sure you don’t wanna talk about...” “No.” “Dean, it’s called sublimation.” “Yeah. Yeah, it’s kinda my thing.”

12.07 Rock Never Dies

Dean exhibits homophobic behavior when he makes fun of Sam’s fondness for hair rock: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Yeah, or a dude by his, uh, rainbow wig and leopard prints.” “Rainbow wig? What? You know what, I’m done apologizing. Lucifer is possessing Vince Vincente. This is Vince Vincente’s music, so listening to it is research.”

Dean teases Cas for his clothes and Cas throws shade right back at him: “You consider switchin’ up your duds there? Bit stiff for this town.” “He could be an agent or something.” “Yeah, maybe a third tier agent.” “At least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” 

Sam blows off Cas and Dean’s bickering like it’s a regular occurrence.

12.08 LOTUS

When Cas gets overwhelmed by angel radio, Dean jumps to his side and holds his arm, worried about his well-being.

12.09 First Blood

Cas feels terrible after losing Kelly and finding out Dean and Sam have been captured, which is exacerbated when Mary blames him for what happened.

Cas goes to Crowley for help finding Dean and Sam, despite how much he loathes him.

Mary meets up with Cas to apologize for blaming him, but he still feels responsible. Mary tries to reassure Cas because he looks so distraught, and he explains that he feels completely lost without them: “I saw it on the news, and I thought, ‘That’s the sort of thing Sam and Dean would investigate.’ They would roll into town, save the day, kill the monsters. But with them gone... I tried to work the case. I tried, but I don’t know what I did wrong. I asked questions, but maybe they were the wrong people or the wrong questions, and I just... I never found it. Never found the monster. Never even got close. And three more women died before I left town, before I ran away.” “So we go back, you and me.” “No. No, I’d only get in your way.”

As soon as Dean and Sam escape from prison, Dean calls Cas for help.

Dean hugs Cas when they’re reunited.

When the car stops and Sam says, “It’s time,” Cas gives Dean a stern look, and Dean looks away in guilt.

Cas is unwilling to let Mary sacrifice herself and kills Billie. Dean is angry at him for taking that risk: “Cas, what’ve you done?” “What had to be done. You know, this world, this sad, doomed little world, it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get, and I will not let you die. I won’t let ANY of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves. You mean too much to me, to everything. Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal, and I broke it. You’re welcome.”

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

Sam is annoyed at Dean for being angry at Cas and treating him with petty resentment: “You talk to Cas yet?” “No.” “So what, you’re just gonna keep walk-in’ past each other in the kitchen, not saying a word?” “Maybe.” “Look, yes, Cas killed Billie, but he saved us. He saved Mom. How long are you gonna stay pissed?” “I’m not pissed that he cares about us, you know, I’m grateful. But Billie said there would be ‘cosmic consequences’ if that deal got broken. You have any idea what that means?” “No.” “Neither do I, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t jelly beans and g-strings.” “My point is, Cas thought he was doing the right thing.”

When Cas says he has a friend in danger, Dean is willing to help, but continues to bicker with Cas: “Sure. Yeah, we could help. Gotta make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.” Cas rolls his eyes.

Sam calls Dean and Cas out for their childish behavior toward each other in the car: “Alright. Guys, you know what? This silent treatment thing, it’s silly. It’s not gonna work.”

Cas glares at Dean when he makes a jab at him. They continue to bicker like an old married couple: “Wow, this Benjamin seems like he’s pretty cool, ya know? Like he wouldn’t make any half-cocked, knee-jerk choices.” “Yeah, you know, what I like about him is that he’s sarcastic, but he’s thoughtful and appreciative, too.” “Now what is that supposed to mean?”

Cas continues to throw sarcasm back at Dean: “If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.” Dean doesn’t get why Cas is so upset, and Sam gives him an exasperated look.

While Cas is speaking with Ishim and Mirabel, Dean barges in uninvited and squeezes into the booth. Cas is clearly irritated, but he still calls Sam and Dean his friends: “These are my friends. My friends who don’t listen very well.”

Dean doesn’t like the way that Ishim spoke to Cas: “Why do you let him talk to you like that?”

Ishim comments on Castiel’s relationship with Dean and Sam, and Cas defends his choice to be friends with them: “The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we’re meant to stay away from humans? Hmm? It’s not because we’re a danger to them. They’re a danger to us. Case in point.” “Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.” “You can’t really believe that.”

Dean demonstrates his protectiveness of Cas when he and Sam confront Lily: “See, Cas is our family, so we can’t let you hurt him.”

When Dean returns to Cas and Ishim, he checks that Cas is okay, then confronts Ishim, who fails to persuade Cas to believe him: “Who are you gonna believe? Your brother, or some filthy ape who’s always talkin’ down to you, always mocking you.” “You know Cas and I might not always agree all the time, but at least he knows who his real friends are.” “Why do his words bother you so much, Ishim?” “Who is he to question my choices? Who is he to question yours?” “Well, it seems that some of my choices may need to be questioned.”

Ishim shows disdain for Castiel’s fondness for Dean as he threatens Dean’s life: “You survived hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak. So now, I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own—by cutting it out.”

Dean draws an anti-angel sigil, but doesn’t use it because he’s not willing to risk harming Cas.

Dean shows forgiveness toward Cas by bringing him a beer, and he demonstrates his support and appreciation of Cas: “You earned it.” “Well, this will do very little for me, but I appreciate the gesture.” “What Ishim said... you’re not weak, Cas. You know that, right? ... And you have been with us every step of this long, crazy thrill ride. And no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down.”

Dean explains that he’s worried about Cas: “I’m not mad, I’m worried. Because things like ‘cosmic consequences’ have a habit of bitin’ us in the ass.” “I know they do, but I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life.”

Cas demonstrates his value of human life when Sam asks him if he could kill Kelly’s child: “There was a time when I wouldn’t have hesitated. But now, I don’t know.”

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Dean is highly amused when a waitress hits on Cas, and he tries to give Cas advice about hooking up with her.

When Cas says he thinks he’s dying, Dean refuses to believe it.

Cas knows he’s dying and still puts the Winchesters’ safety above his own: “Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it’s been the best part of my life. And the things we’ve shared together, they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.” Cas is looking straight at Dean when he says the line “they have changed me,” and even Mary recognizes how significant that is for Cas.

Dean refuses to leave Castiel’s side: “Like you said, we’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.”

Dean is at a loss for how to save Cas and is relieved when Crowley saves him.

12.15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

As Cas is getting ready to return to heaven, Dean recognizes that something is off with him: “He sound weird to you?”

12.17 The British Invasion

Dean is starting to worry about Cas because he hasn’t heard from him: “Hey, you, uh, you hear anything from Cas yet?” “No. Still MIA.” “You think he’s alright?” “I don’t know.”

12.18 The Memory Remains

Dean is frustrated that he can’t reach Cas: “Cas, it’s me. I’ve been tryin’ to get a hold of you for days. I don’t know what’s goin’ on, but we got a line on Dagon, and we got our asses handed to us, even with the Colt. So... could really use the backup. Just call me back.”

Sam tries to reassure Dean that Cas is okay: “GPS on his phone is turned off, and there’s nothin’ in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat gettin’ arrested, or turning up dead.” “Dean, it’s Cas. I mean, this isn’t the first time he’s dropped off the map, ya know? And whatever’s happening, he’ll be fine. He always is.”

12.19 The Future

When Cas finally shows up, Sam is happy to see him, but Dean is angry that Cas has been ignoring them, even after Cas explains that he’s been in heaven: “No, I’m sorry, okay? ‘Cause while you were strikin’ out in heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.” “I know. I received your messages.” “Oh, you DID receive the messages. Okay, that’s good. So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us. That’s great. ‘Cause we really could’ve used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um... what was it? Nothing? What the hell’s wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That’s... yeah. Welcome back.” Cas is visibly distraught at how much he has upset Dean.

Cas goes to Dean’s room to apologize and tries to return a mixtape that Dean had given him, but Dean gives it back: “It’s a gift. You keep those.” “Oh.”

Dean explains that Cas ghosting on them is not acceptable, and Cas explains that he has felt guilty for repeatedly failing him: “Cas, you can’t... with everything that’s goin’ on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried. That’s not ok.” “Well, I didn’t mean to add to your distress. I... Dean, I just keep failing. Again, and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn’t find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn’t find her. And I just wanted... I NEEDED to come back here with a win for you, for myself.” “You think you’re the only one rollin’ snake eyes here? Me and Sam, we had her. We had Kelly, and we lost her.”

Dean forgives Cas and tells him they’re better together: “If you run out of time, could either of you kill an innocent?” “We will find a better way.” “You mean WE?” “Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together. So now that you’re back, let’s ‘Go Team Free Will.’ Let’s get it done.” “I’d like that.” “Great. And I’d like a beer.”

Cas knows Dean well enough to look for the Colt under his pillow.

While helping the angels in their mission to kill the nephilim, an angel commends Cas for choosing heaven over the Winchesters, but Cas rejects this idea: “You’re doin’ the right thing, ya know. Committing to Joshua’s plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean your reputation in heaven is...” “This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this FOR the Winchesters. I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission, and to keep them safe from Dagon. And I... I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.”

When Dean and Sam catch up to Cas, Dean pins him to the wall in anger for deceiving them. Cas explains that he was trying to protect them: “I wanted to keep you out of this. I was trying to keep you safe.” “You’re not our babysitter, Cas, okay? That is not your job. And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?”

Dean convinces Cas to come back to the bunker with them to talk and figure things out (but Kelly hijacks the car and drives off).

Sam is confused about why Cas keeps ditching them and deceiving them, but Dean understands his perspective: “What’s wrong with Cas?” “Well, he hasn’t exactly had a banner year. I mean, think about it. Between Lucifer, killing Billie, Ramiel, everything’s been blowin’ up in his face. And he’s so desperate for a win right now, he can’t even see straight.”

When Cas sees that Dean is hurt, he immediately heals him.

Dean is concerned about Castiel after his display of channeled nephilim power: “Are you ok?” “I am. I’ve been so lost. I’m not lost anymore. And I know now that this child must be born with all of his power.” ... “Whatever that thing did to you, we’re not just gonna let you walk away.”

Cas puts Dean and Sam to sleep so they can’t follow him and Kelly.

12.20 Twigs & Twine & Naomi Banes

Dean is concerned about what happened with Cas and the nephilim: “...up until now, if Cas messed up, if he did something wrong but he thought it was for the right reasons, I got it. Right? But last night, when I looked at him, I did not recognize the guy staring back at me.”

Dean calls his mom for emotional support over what’s happening with Cas: “Even if you can’t swing by, can you call me back? Just some stuff going down that’s kinda got me spun out. Be good to talk to you.”

12.22 Who We Are

Dean laments how things were when Cas was still around: “You know it wasn’t long ago, I thought we had it made. We saved the world. We got Cas back. We had Mom back. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but still, we had ‘em. And now...”

12.23 All Along the Watchtower

Dean is still mad at Cas for leaving them, but he sets it aside to take care of business: “You know, Cas has faith in this kid. I hope he’s right. But me? I have faith in US. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley, sometimes.”

When Cas is killed by Lucifer, Dean yells out and falls to his knees. Sam runs inside to check on the nephilim, but Dean does not move from Castiel’s side.

[uptakeeasy]

THARNTYPE The Series

First and last tumblr post here.

Recently started watching TharnType and have already re watched it many times.

I have such an emotional response watching this series that I can’t explain it and hence this blog entry is just to help me unravel my thoughts. My foray into gay love stories started a few years back when I became disillusioned with cliched straight romances and wanted to watch something that still makes me believe in love(adult life is hard). I have come to such a point now that even gay stories don’t move me anymore and I am always looking for plot holes or rolling my eyes at seemingly romantic gestures.

BL is not for me. Most of the stories, acting, side characters become so cringe worthy and immature ,that I get second hand embarrassment just watching them ( sorry BL fans,I am an embittered,old cat lady). Anyway few days back I wanted to check out the BL universe to see whats new. Came upon Tharn Type,watched the first episode ,judged it,judged myself for getting turned on at the non con scene,hated myself,hated it.

Anyway to clean my palate I searched for top 5 BLs according to different  sources and started watching. SOTUS was hella boring, with that weird Hazing like ritual ( I have been to schools with that old school senior junior interaction and can’t stand it. Also I have problem with authority). Anyway tried the first episode ,didn’t click. Tried the second season ,didn’t click. Moved on to LBC. Was impressed by the extremely healthy relationship displayed by the main couple.But the chemistry was missing and the plot was way too simplistic and sugar sweet for my taste.Also I know people love Pete but I am not a fan of fragile flower characters( sorry not sorry).

Anyway after checking out TWM : Next chapter (and getting enraged at the cheating story line, like seriously you guys fucked up two beautiful relationships for drama) and Heroin, which I am not a fan of at all (I have zero emotional response to it) but I love the OST, I came back to square one because I was so frustrated by everything that I watched.

Checked out episode 2 and 3. Still squicked out by Tharn’s excessive touching but I did like the comedy(I think this is the first BL where I actually laughed at the jokes non sarcastically, that Techno character is hilarious), the music and the acting. It was also pleasantly surprising to see dark topics (sexual assault, online bullying(If I can call it that),homophobia) being addressed. Although they didn’t go too deep into these things but I felt that at least some thought was put into the writing and those were not just pointless plot devices.

Binged watched till episode 11 and became obsessed. The Tharn who I hated in the first three episodes became a gentle,kind,loving,bruised soul (who should keep his hands and lips to himself sometimes), hot headed, impulsive,immature Type (who needs to stop punching his boyfriend) became a softer, empathetic,intense lover who protects what is his. As an older adult I know the intensity of their relationship is almost toxic. Fire and ice looks good for drama but in reality can be explosive.

But, I don’t know what it is, somehow these two make me root for them. They make me believe that there is someone for everyone and sometimes the most imperfect things coming together can be close to perfection.

From the writing, I can gauge that the writer loves all the characters and sees them as actual human beings. We get to know something about everyone and none of them look one dimensional to me. I literally empathize with everyone. No one is evil (except Lhong,but I have a feeling that his backstory will make us understand him,not agree with his actions of course) and no one is a saint. They are actual people with flaws, big and small who can still be loved despite how broken they are or how detestable their actions may seem.

As for their love, it is obsessive,jealous and too demanding at times while at other times it is understanding,nurturing and soothing.Many BLs have so many characters and story lines that we end up getting a shallow character study of everyone. With these two ,I feel like I know them,what their motivations are,why they react the way on certain things,etc. Tharn and Type’s conversations actually feel like real conversations between lovers to me, discussing their past,their likes,dislikes,family,etc.(except the sex talk, I think most couple just do it,they don’t talk about it). Another thing I find refreshing is the reversal of roles outside the bedroom. Love it.

Also the plot is so engaging and fast paced. Kudos to the author.Personally I have a very short attention span so the fact that I am engaged throughout the 50 minute run time is nothing short of amazing to me.I have read almost everything that was available about the story and the characters online.  To me,Tharn and Type are the silly (sometimes infuriating) teenagers who grow into good,strong human beings together,helping each other along the way. After Broke Back mountain and Skam S3, this is the only love story that has moved me to tears.I have heard both the OSTs and Hold me tight actually makes this adult woman cry every time. That song is the series, everything that happens between Tharn and Type can be summed up through that wonderful ballad. I am going to learn the Thai lyrics just so I can someday sing it with a guitar.

I have learnt some things from this series,which make me think:

I hope people are kind to each other and learn to forgive each other.

I hope people learn from their mistakes and grow into better human beings.

I hope people find love in life and when they do, they fiercely protect it because it is a precious and elusive thing.

After the honeymoon phase is over it is normal everyday life, the chemicals present in the initial few days are gone, which leads to break down of so many relationships. When ennui of real life sets in ,one starts seeing the flaws in one’s partner. Every small thing becomes irritating. Tharn and Type have already seen the worst of each other and have accepted it, it makes me feel in my gut that they can make it. I read somewhere that they stay together till the end and actually become each other’s last ,the way they promised when they were 18. (if only real life was so sweet).

Well you know what, after watching the series and knowing the full story they make me believe that they can make it

PS: I know fans will be furious at my disregard for the other series’ mentioned but people can have different tastes and that is okay. I didn’t like them, you can hate TharnType, there is something for everyone.My intention isn’t to unfairly criticize them but just to express why I got so moved by Tharn Type.

I often don’t feel deeply about things,so thank you for moving me TharnType.

[muffin-n-waffle]

Channy Watches Anime Sometimes And You Should Too: Summer 2018 Edition

With the ending of spring, summer obviously comes in its wake, as well as the ever pressing need for it to just be fucking fall already! But aside from heat, bugs, and disappointing family vacations, summer also brings a whole new onslaught of anime. As usual, I have some specific as fuck tastes, and not all the time in the world to watch every single show airing this season, but I decide to compile a list of the ones that I plan on watching. 

This list is a little different this time around since I’ve decided to give some different anime a chance, so this time I’ll be putting these shows in a list from what I’m most likely to finish all the way through to least likely. Here we go! 

Banana Fish

Nature made Ash Lynx beautiful; nurture made him a cold ruthless killer. A runaway brought up as the adopted heir and sex toy of "Papa" Dino Golzine, Ash, now at the rebellious age of seventeen, forsakes the kingdom held out by the devil who raised him. But the hideous secret that drove Ash's older brother mad in Vietnam has suddenly fallen into Papa's insatiably ambitious hands—and it's exactly the wrong time for Eiji Okamura, a pure-hearted young photographer from Japan, to make Ash Lynx's acquaintance...

This anime is awesome so far! The animation is fluid, the writing is amazing, and the story sucks you in from episode one. I feel like this one is going to hurt a lot, but I’m so looking forward to following along each week with every new episode. 

Hataraku Saibo

This is a story about you. A tale about the inside of your body... According to a new study, the human body consists of approximately 37 trillion cells. These cells are hard at work every day within a world that is your body. From the oxygen-carrying red blood cells to the bacteria-fighting white blood cells, get to know the unsung heroes and the drama that unfolds inside of you! It's the oddly relatable and interesting story that is the life of cells! 

I present to you, Osmosis Jones: The Anime! Except, not really. This slice of life comedy follows the cells inside of a human body, and all of the triumphs and tribulations they have to go through with each passing day, whether that be fighting off germs, or even dealing with a small scrap. This one is pretty funny so far, and I definitely love the dynamic that’s been set up with one of the white and red blood cells. 

Chio-chan no Tsuugakuro

This is a story of a nerdy bookworm girl on her way to school, and yes, that's the entire premise, as she's not getting to school any time soon. Taking her "usual" route to school, it becomes an increasingly unusual adventure, and all the more ridiculous as it carries on. It takes an unpleasant sentiment many can empathize with, the feeling of tardiness, and brings humor to it—making it a hilarious situation to look back upon.

This season is filled to the brim with bizarre comedies it seems, which suits my tastes just fine, since aside from romance, comedy is one of my favorite genres. There’s not much plot to speak of, but each episode follows the lead, Chio, as she makes her way to school everyday. The premise is simple, silly, and great for a laugh. 

Asobi Asobase 

Hanako, an athletically proficient, yet thick-headed student with a weird fashion sense, plays a game with the American transfer student Olivia. However, their vigor irritated their classmate Kasuki who dislikes playing games since she has always been teased by her sister for being bad at them. With a turn of events, it was found out that Hanako is terrible at English. Thus, she asked her foreign classmate Olivia to help her, but Olivia, who is only born and raised in Japan with foreign parents, can't actually speak English at all! Watch over these three girls' surreal school-life comedy.

Another bizarre comedy! This one also doesn’t have much plot to speak of, and follows these three girls through school and the different situations they find themselves in. The faces that are drawn on these girls at times are hysterical, and it’s also been just a great show to sit down and simply laugh with. 

Hanebado!

Ayano Hanesaki, a first-year student at Kanagawa Prefectural Kitakomachi High School, has a badminton ability able to surpass others effortlessly yet avoids playing the sport. She meets Nagisa Aragaki, a third-year student who practices day and night aiming to become the best player in Japan. Encouraged by coach Tachibana Kentarou, supported by club colleagues, and fired up by various rivals, the two engage in their youth and adored sport so thrilling like a shuttle flown at high speed!

I don’t delve much into the world of ‘sports anime’, but after I saw the animation on this one, I just had to give it a chance. This one can be a bit melodramatic at times, and I’m sure it’s just some dumb misunderstanding that’s causing all of this drama in the first place, but so far i’m enjoying watching some really well animated badminton. 

Harukana Receive 

The story takes place in Okinawa, where Haruka forms a beach volleyball pair with Kanata. Kanata, who couldn't handle the pressure put on her by her short height, had given up on beach volleyball already but is convinced by Haruka to step back on the sand once again and aim for the junior tournament. 

My second shot at a sports anime! This one is all about cute girls and beach volleyball, though of course it isn’t without it’s melodrama as well, though this one seems to be handled a little better at least. The animation is cute, and it really has a fun, summer feel to it. 

Tenrou: Sirius the Jaeger

The series takes place in the Imperial Capital of 1930. A group of people known as "Jaegers" landed on Tokyo Station. They carry musical instrument cases and came to hunt vampires. A man named Yuliy stood among them with a striking serenity and unusual aura. Known as a werewolf who had his home village destroyed by vampires, he and the Jaegers engage in battle against the mysterious holy arc known as the "The Arc of Sirius". What truth awaits them?

This one is pretty good so far. It’s action packed, and has awesome animation, as well as a decent plot it seems. It’s so far down on the list because I’m only two episodes in, and my fear is that the story is going to end up disappointing me, or become boring. 

Angolmois: Genkou Kassenki

The scary great king comes from the other side of the sea… The big incident ‘Genkou‘ that shook medieval Japan is being drawn in an original way in this historical anime, along with the beginning of the Samurai…!

A samurai historical about the Mongol invasion of Japan. Lots of action, and decently animated so far, but might not continue with it if it starts to really bore me. I’m also secretly hoping for some romance between the two characters featured on the poster.....

Grand Blue

Among the seaside town of Izu's ocean waves and rays of shining sun, Iori Kitahara is just beginning his freshman year at Izu University. As he moves into his uncle's scuba diving shop, Grand Blue, he eagerly anticipates his dream college life, filled with beautiful girls and good friends.

But things don't exactly go according to plan. Upon entering the shop, he encounters a group of rowdy, naked upperclassmen, who immediately coerce him into participating in their alcoholic activities. Though unwilling at first, Iori quickly gives in and becomes the heart and soul of the party. Unfortunately, this earns him the scorn of his cousin, Chisa Kotegawa, who walks in at precisely the wrong time. Undeterred, Iori still vows to realize his ideal college life, but will things go according to plan this time, or will his situation take yet another dive?

Yet another comedy! I think this one is aimed at a younger generation of boys though, but so far facial animations are funny, and it’s been good for a laugh with one immature gag after the other. I may not stick with it, but I’ll give a few more episodes just to see if it’s worth my time. 

Kyoto Teramachi Sanjou no Holmes

Based on mystery novels written by Mochizuki Mai.There is an antique shop in Kyoto's Teramachi Sanjou shopping district. High school girl Mashiro Aoi unexpectedly runs into Yagashira Kiyotaka, the son of the shop's owner, and ends up working part-time at the shop. Kiyotaka is called the "Holmes at Teramachi Sanjou," and he and Aoi solve odd cases brought to them by various clients.

This one probably should have been a little higher on the list, but considering I forgot about it until just now, maybe it doesn’t.... I decided to check this one out purely based on my love for Sherlock Holmes. The animation in this one is just okay, and the cases, while only two episodes in so far, are so predictable that it’s almost laughable. I’ll probably stick with this one since it’s easy enough to get through, and while it’s more of a slice of life, I am sort of hoping for a romance between Aoi and Holmes. 

Aguu: Tensai Ningyou

The series is about a missing genius whose mysterious disappearance becomes a shady secret among the successful members of society.

Last one on the list, and only one episode for this one so far. It has some pretty odd animation, so much so that it nearly through me off. I suppose it speaks well of the story that I stuck around despite that. I know the plot synopsis above is pretty short, but it’s hard to explain what this wild show is about, and it’s better if you just check out this weirdness for yourself. 

[apathetic-revenant]

alright I have had this Doctor Who rant building up in me for years and I gotta get it out eventually so I might as well go ahead and do it

this rant is about why I stopped watching the show after season 7 and it’s not gonna be complimentary so I will put it under a cut and not in the tag so no one has to read it that doesn’t want to. 

also it is very long. 

some background: I started watch Doctor Who when I was thirteen. because I have a knack for picking the worst place to start a series, the first episode I ever fully watched was Human Nature. it was very confusing, but I was entranced. I immediately went to the internet and looked up as much as I could find about the show, and before the next episode had even aired I was already whole-heartedly in love with it.

Doctor Who was very important to me for the next several years. it was something to hold onto through some pretty difficult times. it could be quite hard to watch in the US (let alone to get a hold of merch or novels) but I grabbed every scrap of it that I could. Doctor Who was something that I found solace in when everything else seemed absolutely awful.

so it really hurt to fall out of love with it. but I did. 

now I’m fully willing to admit that a lot of what happened had to do with very personal, specific circumstances for me, and truthfully I don’t know how much of it applies to anyone else at all. but...I don’t think that makes my feelings about it entirely invalid either.

I was sad to see RTD and Ten--my first Doctor--go, but I was very excited for Steven Moffat to take over. I thought that the episodes that he had written were some of the best in the show, and I was looking forward to what he would do with more free rein. but he disappointed me in a lot of ways.

I don’t like Moffat’s writing, not anymore. I think he did well under the constraints of only writing one story a season, but not when given control over the entire show. I think his overarching plot lines are grandiose, over-complicated, are more concerned with building themselves up than delivering a satisfying resolution, and show a tendency to think that stories get more interesting the larger they are in scale, which is sometimes true but certainly not always. I think he spends too much time talking things up--his characters, his stories--resulting in a lot of telling and not enough showing. I think the occasional bombastic reminder of how old/powerful/smart/morally conflicted/whatever the Doctor is is fine enough, but that Moffat turned the dial on that up so much that I got sick of hearing people talk about the Doctor at all, which is not a good thing for the protagonist of the show. I think he hamstrung his own monsters by insisting on bringing them back over and over on increasingly larger scales so that something that was originally scary because it was mysterious and unknown become banal through over-exposure. I think his characterization is extremely poor, resulting in characters that are either inconsistent, two-dimensional, or both. I think he relied too much on using Time Travel Rules for dramatic effect, which doesn’t work too well when said Rules were made up just for that episode and aren’t consistent. I think he has a deeply irritating tendency to extend his control not just over his own era but on the entire show: ret-conning the Time War to what he thought it should be, writing characters that are not just the most important person ever to the Doctor he is writing, but to every Doctor there’s ever been. 

but. 

all that is just writing. I think it’s bad writing, and not writing that I at all enjoyed, but just bad writing on its own doesn’t really offend me. Doctor Who has had plenty of bad writing in the past and it’s carried on quite well regardless, and even if I don’t like it, well, if other people do then that’s good for them and I can live and let live.

the problem is that bad writing is not all that I disliked about the show under Moffat’s tenure. it is not what made me truly and deeply uncomfortable with the show as it went on until I had to stop watching it altogether.

here’s where the personal bit starts to come in. see, I’m asexual. at thirteen, I don’t think I really knew that yet, but I had started to twig that there was something a bit different about me. I didn’t seem to be feeling all the things thirteen year olds were usually supposed to be feeling. I read YA books describing puberty in ways that I often felt uncomfortable with and disconnected from. but maybe I was a late bloomer, I thought--I didn’t really have a lot of other information to go on anyway. 

so when I was reading up on the show after watching Human Nature and read that the Doctor typically didn’t show any interest in romance or attraction, I didn’t exactly think “oh, it’s someone like me!” but it definitely drew my attention, even if all I thought was “oh thank god, a show that won’t spend so much time on all that weird boring stuff.”

of course, watching the second part of that two-parter made it pretty clear that while the classic series may have abstained from romance, the new series felt no such restriction. I was disappointed, but not too much, because this was pretty much business as usual and I was very accustomed to it. 

but I’ve never been able, since then, to completely disconnect my experience with watching Doctor Who with my experience of discovering asexuality and what that meant for me. not when it contained the only character I’d yet encountered who even came close to being canonically asexual. not when there was so much discussion in and around the fandom about how the Doctor should be written. not when the show itself was clearly conscious of wanting to prove that whatever had happened in the old series, the new series Doctor was not asexual.

it was little things. like the way, any time I read anything about that infamous kiss in the TV movie, the reaction to it was always characterized as being a silly fandom thing--oh these repressed nerds, fussing about how the Doctor kissing someone violates canon, just goes to show how stuffy and out of touch they are. or the discussions of ‘dancing’ in season one that scornfully made clear that of course the Doctor felt attraction because it’s such a fundamental thing that it’d be weird for even an alien not to feel it. I mean, who could empathize with a character who wasn’t interested in sex?! it was things like the way the EU in the hiatus years tended to play up the Doctor being asexual--all in the service of making him seem more alien, more detached from human emotion. it was things that I never saw anyone complain about, that no one else ever seemed to think was a problem in any way, so I thought the fault must be mine for being uncomfortable with it.

I’m well aware that this did not start with Moffat--the new series was taking part in it from the outset, and I have my own issues with that (I’ve never been able to get onboard with a romance between a 1000+ year old alien and a 19-year-old girl. sorry, I know lots of people love that ship, but I just can’t personally). but it got a lot worse under his tenure.

I watched the TARDIS--a goddamn inanimate blue box--get characterized as the Doctor’s wife, a woman, called ‘sexy’, because for some reason the connection between an alien and their biomechanical time machine needs to map nicely onto a heterosexual relationship. I watched River making orgasm jokes at the camera with a wink, and the sonic screwdriver used to make dick jokes. I watched a parade of female characters that all seemed to fall into the mold of Sexy Flirty Feisty, who all fell hopelessly in love with the Doctor, whose lives revolved around him even from a very young age. 

I remember feeling sick and stunned as I watched a scene where Amy started making out with the Doctor while he tried to get away, a scene that was clearly supposed to be funny. I watched all this at the same time that I was struggling with the idea that I didn’t think I wanted sex at all, feeling like I was weird and wrong for it, like I would eventually have to fall into the right mold and go through the motions no matter how much I didn’t want to, because there didn’t seem to be any room in the world for a person like me. 

but even then, I felt like the problem was more on me. Doctor Who wasn’t really doing anything that every other show I watched didn’t do. it felt selfish to expect the show to cater to me when I was clearly in the vast minority of people. anyway, I didn’t really expect asexual representation. I still don’t. I’d love to have it, but expecting would just be getting my hopes up a lot so they could be dashed over and over again. I know a lot of people still don’t even know that asexuality exists, or what it really is, which is becoming less and less of an excuse as it becomes more well known, but I still don’t ever expect it to be brought up in mainstream pop culture (at this point I pretty much figure I’ll just to have to do it myself). I assumed that this writing on Doctor Who came out of the same place, that they felt fine writing off any sign of asexuality in the old series as being an outdated artifact they were no longer bound to because they didn’t know there was anyone in real life who actually felt like that.

and then I read a quote from Steven Moffat, about Sherlock--another series featuring a character with a distinct lack of interest in sex or romance in the source material. Moffat said that Sherlock was not asexual because that would be boring--no fun at all--and that him intentionally distancing himself from his feelings was much more interesting.

that was the betrayal. that was when I realized--he knew. he knew what asexuality was and he chose not to put it in his work because it was boring. it was not just “I don’t see you.” it was “I see you, I know you exist, but I don’t care.”

all my struggle, my identity, my existence, willfully tossed aside because it was too boring to even think about, compared to the gripping tale of a straight dude who didn’t have time for women because he was too busy being really smart. 

in retrospect it’s not surprising. this was, after all, the same show in which a self-described lesbian falls for a man, I guess to show that Sherlock is just so appealing that women will change sexualities for him. but hey, it goes both ways--this is the same character that, according to Moffat, Sherlock only lost to in the original story because he fancied her and got distracted. obviously nothing else could explain a woman beating Sherlock Holmes. don’t worry, he corrected that little oversight in his show by having Irene have to be rescued by Sherlock, the way things should properly go. 

I guess that was the point where I lost trust in the show. Doctor Who had been there for me through a lot of rough shit, but it was not going to be there for me on this one. it was not going to make me feel more comfortable with myself, feel like I was okay just the way I was, like I could be proud in my own skin. I know it’s helped other people with that, and I am truly happy for them. but I wouldn’t be one of them. not while Moffat was in charge. I was too boring. now, another woman falling in love with the Doctor--now that would be interesting, eh?

I couldn’t trust anymore that any joke about the Doctor not understanding sex--ha ha, those jokes always seemed to go, look at the funny alien acting all confused and ignorant--would be any more than that, a joke, to be tossed aside the moment a tempting bit of lewd humor or romantic moment came up. I couldn’t trust that any female character would appear on the show--or even would have existed in the show’s history--without becoming yet another in the long line of women who fancied the Doctor. maybe the show would do better, maybe it would become something I could feel comfortable with again--but I was done waiting around to find out. 

I stopped watching the show. I went to college. I watched other stuff. I kept on struggling. I still didn’t see myself in media, in lots of ways, but I found people like me on the internet, I read niche fiction and bits of fanfic that finally described my experiences, and I started feeling better about myself. not perfect, but better. 

I wasn’t watching Doctor Who anymore, or Sherlock, but I heard things over time. 

like Moffat passing over three past Doctors, saying that despite them all being ready and capable he wasn’t including them in the 50th Anniversary because he didn’t think they’d want to “struggle into their old costumes” again, managing to simultaneously diss three great actors who’d been contributing to the show for decades and demonstrate a stunning lack of creativity for a sci-fi writer for a show with a large budget by apparently being unwilling to even try to figure out a way to work around them having aged. oh, but McGann got to come back long enough to get killed off. and we would have had Eccleston but he didn’t want to come back for the special that retconned all the work he put into his character as being based on a giant lie, I wonder why? 

like how Sherlock rewrote the ending of a story that originally had the villain finished off by a woman, because as the writers explained in an interview, it was completely unbelievable that that could happen. 

like lots of lovely little comments, about how women only watched Sherlock because they were attracted to Cumberbatch, or watched Doctor Who if the Doctor was hot enough; about how bisexual representation wasn’t needed because bi people were too busy “having fun” to watch TV anyway; about how the idea of a female Doctor was as silly as a male queen. well, fine. I’m personally glad that Steven Moffat dismissed the idea of a female Doctor because I shudder to think how he would have written her. 

I could go on, but I have other stuff to do. you don’t have to take my word for it, though; here’s a nice article to start with. 

I almost didn’t bother watching the newest season, but I made a spur of the moment decision to catch it. and I am enjoying it so far. it’s reminding me of the things I originally loved about the show. I was nervous about how the first female Doctor would be written, but watching Thirteen in action gave me a sense of empowerment I honestly wasn’t expecting. maybe someday I’ll be able to just completely enjoy the show again without having so many conflicting feelings about it. 

probably eventually I’ll go back and watch what I missed. there may be things I enjoy in there. episodes I like. I’ve gotten the impression I would like Capaldi himself. and if I just didn’t like Moffat’s writing, I would be happy to enjoy what I enjoyed and not bother with the rest. I would be willing to believe that he might improve or take a different tack that I enjoyed more. 

but after the things I’ve seen in Moffat’s writing, and the things he has said, I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t feel comfortable enough to ever fully enjoy his writing. I can’t respect him because I know he does not respect me. 

really I guess I should never have been all that surprised. like I said, I don’t really expect to see myself in most media. and plenty of works are worse than Doctor Who. 

I guess Doctor Who was just the only one that got my hopes up first. 

[beccaland]

Beccaland reads and responds to an article about Doctor Who that she really should have known better than to have read in the first place

You know how you KNOW you should never read the comments sections, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself? That’s usually how I feel about reading articles about Doctor Who during the past few years, except from a handful of trusted sources. Yet there I was this morning, checking my regular email from Tor.com, and out of a slightly-morbid curiosity, I found myself reading “How It Feels to Want to Watch Doctor Who Again” by Alex Brown.

Partly, I really am interested in the fans who are getting interested in Doctor Who again. They left for a lot of reasons, and really you can’t begrudge anyone’s waning interest in a TV show. And it would be far, far more silly to begrudge them regaining interest! I’m excited for the awesome changes that are coming on October 7th, too. And I am fully aware that not every era is every fan’s cup of tea. On the other hand, I also know that I’m frequently irritated by the shallow criticism levelled in order to “justify” some fans’ disaffection. So there I was. Reading an article I knew very well was probably going to annoy me, like a masochist.

And just because I feel like it, I’m going to quote a bunch of it and offer my own commentary. I’m going to be as fair as I can, noting where I think a given critique is valid, where I think it’s valid but still disagree, and where I think it’s the same old tired, inaccurate nonsense.

Here we go:

“I miss Doctor Who.”

ME TOO!

“There was a time when I watched it fervently, reverently, passionately. It was something I put on when I was stressed or overwhelmed or needed to be reminded of the good things in life. The relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was powerful and affirming.”

Yeah, I do that too, but I never really stopped.

“Until suddenly it wasn’t.”

I mean, sure. Doctor Who did something on a purely personal and emotional level for the author, and then it stopped. That’s totally fair.

This actually happened to me with the novels in the ‘90s–they just weren’t doing enough for me imaginatively or emotionally anymore to justify the challenge of finding them and the expense of buying them. It happens. (I still wanted Doctor Who in my life though, so I rewatched my VHS tapes instead, until they had degraded in quality to the point where that wasn’t very fun either.)

“The show twisted into something unrecognizable and unpleasant. And so I abandoned Doctor Who just as it had abandoned me.”

The really negatively loaded language here bugs me a lot, but this article is a personal fan narrative more than it is a review, and it’s impossible to refute a subjective response. Clearly, it’s true that Alex Brown and the show were no longer on the same wavelength. So, fair enough.

“If you asked me in 2016 if I would ever watch Doctor Who again, I probably would’ve shaken my head and sighed. The chances of the show making the kind of changes necessary to pull me back seemed slim to none. But here we are, fall 2018, and I am so excited about the Season 11 premiere that I can barely stand it.”

I’m really happy about everyone coming back. I share this excitement!

[I’m omitting a couple of paragraphs here where Brown describes more of what Doctor Who meant to her when she first encountered the show during an obviously extremely difficult time in her life. It’s really moving, and I find it relatable in some ways.]

“With the takeover by Steven Moffat in 2010, my relationship with the Doctor shifted dramatically. As much as I loved Doctor Who, I wasn’t blinkered to its myriad problems.”

See, my issue with this is simply that it implies that people like me ARE “blinkered by its myriad problems.” We’re not. But sometimes we disagree about what those problems are, or where the blame (and praise) for those problems (and their amelioration) properly lies. Hence this post.

“Trouble was, the annoying but tolerable issues were magnified into something unbearable by Moffat’s numerous faults as showrunner. Under Moffat, seasons went from episodic romps loosely knitted together by repeating themes—think “Bad Wolf” Easter eggs throughout the first season—to Lost-style mystery box seasons bogged down in an increasingly convoluted and grimdark mythology.”

I think it’s fair to say that the series 6 arc in particular was much heavier than previously attempted by the show, and this was a turnoff for some viewers. Personally, I liked it a lot conceptually, but I acknowledge that it could have been better executed. It’s also not representative of Moffat’s whole era; he experimented a lot with structure. That in itself was probably frustrating to some viewers–again, I liked it a lot, but that’s neither here nor there.

However, calling the Moffat era “grimdark” is frankly bizarre. It seems to confuse a shift in LIGHTING with a shift in TONE. The Moffat era’s TONE was, if anything, substantially more hopepunk than the RTD era (to say nothing of Torchwood, which Brown also professes to adore).

“River Song, Cybermen, Daleks, and the Master work best when used sparingly,”

Yeah, I agree.

“but Moffat dragged them out of the toy box so often that they lost their appeal.”

A criticism that (aside from River, for whom YMMV) applies equally to the RTD era.

“Even the Doctor suffered from too much focus. Doctor Who is a show that flourishes when it cares more about the people the Doctor helps than the Doctor. The Doctor is much more interesting as a character who drops into other people’s stories than when everyone else exists only to serve the Doctor’s narrative.”

This is a matter of taste, and on that level cannot be refuted.

But I’m not actually sure it’s true that the stories in the Moffat era focused more on the Doctor than was the case in previous eras. It didn’t seem that way to me. I suppose one could develop some way of objectively evaluating the validity of that premise, but I’m not going to go to that much trouble.

“Worse, women went from equals with their own vibrant lives to codependent followers.”

This is not merely a matter of personal taste. It is an assertion about content of the sort which could hypothetically be supported by evidence. If it were true. And it is literally the opposite of true. It’s a gross mischaracterization of the Moffat era companions, and moreover ignores the sometimes-problematic characterizations of the RTD era companions. I’m skipping the rest of that paragraph, which merely rehashes worn-out, shallow readings of Amy and Clara’s characters. I have nothing to say about those arguments that I haven’t said elsewhere before.

“[Moffat’s] seeming disdain for how fans interpreted the series,”

Showrunners SHOULD disdain how fans interpret their work. Or, more accurately, they should ignore it. Since fans are a motley bunch, the alternative would be a total lack of creative vision, either deeply bland or utterly fractured.

“for critiques of his own biases and bigotries,”

In reality, Steven Moffat demonstrated a remarkable openness to critiques of his biases and made steady progress in addressing them both in front of the camera and behind the scenes.

“and for the depth the show was capable of became a virus that infected everything.”

From where I sit, Doctor Who demonstrated far more depth during the Moffat era than during the RTD era (and some of the deepest scripts in RTD’s era were written by Moffat and according to RTD, barely touched by his editorial influence). I’m willing to consider the possibility that the RTD era displayed depths that I failed to perceive, but given the number of times I’ve rewatched it and the fact that I study texts for a living, I have to say I think that’s a long shot. I would welcome a persuasive analysis of the depths of the RTD era.

“I have never been one to shy away from dropping shows that I no longer like, but I held onto Doctor Who longer than I should have. I finally tapped out after the frustrating penultimate episode of Season 6, “The Wedding of River Song.” Reductive, repetitive, and boring, the episode encapsulated everything I couldn’t stand about Moffat’s storytelling.”

OK, Brown has got a point there. I love TWORS for purely personal reasons (it was just FUN, in the same way that the more crazy-ambitious failures often are in Doctor Who), but I’m under no illusions about its quality. In addition to being “reductive [and] repetitive” that episode was also rushed and full of holes. I didn’t find it boring, but that’s a subjective thing.

It’s a bit weird though that Brown claims to have quit watching Doctor Who at the end of series 6, since earlier she critiqued both Clara and Moffat’s “over"use of Missy, both of whom post-date Brown’s purported exit. Hmm. Seems like (as is not uncommon, in my experience) people who dislike Moffat base a lot of their dislike on mere hearsay.

"Although Moffat drove me away from Doctor Who, other factors kept me from coming back. A not insignificant chunk of my exhaustion came from the frustratingly limited diversity and the frequently poor treatment of characters of color—see Martha and Bill, plus the weirdness around the few major interracial relationships.”

OK, this is approximately half fair. There WAS a frustrating lack of diversity which continued well into Moffat’s era. Martha and her weird marriage to Mickey are RTD’s doing entirely. And the author claims not to have ever seen series 10, so she’s hardly in a place to evaluate Bill’s treatment (which, for the record, seemed pretty great to me–vastly better than in any previous era, anyway, though there’s no doubt that there is still room for improvement).

“Prior to Season 11 there had never been an Asian or South Asian companion despite the fact that people of South Asian ancestry make up nearly 7% of the population of England and Wales, according to the most recent census. Islam is the second largest religion in the UK, yet Muslims are also largely absent from the show, and certainly from the role of companion.”

This is a totally fair criticism.

“Moffat said it was hard to cast diversely without impinging on historical accuracy,”

Gonna want a citation for that one; I admit it’s possible he said something like that at some point but I feel like I would remember if he had.

“a notion that is patently false and wholly ignorant of actual history.”

A point which Sarah Dollard makes in the series 10 episode “Thin Ice,” with the enthusiastic approval of Moffat himself.

“To be fair, Moffat also admitted this claim was nonsense and rooted in a white-centric view of history and acknowledged that the show needed to do better…then made absolutely no changes.”

Thanks for being fair…almost. In fact he made substantial changes during his tenure, though most happened after Alex Brown quit paying attention. Seems to me that if you’re going to write an article for a blog affiliated with a major SF publisher, you might actually want to check your facts rather than relying on information that’s several years out of date (if it was ever true).

“And don’t even get me started on frequent Moffat collaborator and Who writer Mark Gatiss who infamously whined about diversity initiatives ruining historical accuracy because they cast a Black man as a soldier on an episode about Queen Victoria’s army battling Ice Warriors on Mars.”

Yeah, this I do remember. Ew, Gatiss! What were you thinking?

“Not to mention Moffat’s asinine declarations that we couldn’t have a woman Doctor becausehe 'didn’t feel enough people wanted it’ and 'This isn’t a show exclusively for progressive liberals; this is also for people who voted Brexit.’”

This is also the man who wrote the first-ever gender-changing regeneration (of the Doctor, no less!) in his comedy special, “The Curse of the Fatal Death,” the first female incarnation of a previously male Time Lord (Missy, who turned out to be incredibly popular), and the first official, non-comedy, on-screen gender-changing regeneration scene (the General, in Hell Bent), thus paving the way for even many of those non-liberal, Brexit-voting audiences to accept a female Doctor, and making it virtually impossible for the BBC not to do it without looking like total assholes (though by that point they were totally on board and needed to further persuasion).

But sure, go ahead and cherry-pick a couple of real-but-not-representative Moffat quotes to perpetuate your misogynistic Moffat pseudo-narrative.

[Cutting the rest of that paragraph because it adds nothing to the critique]

“Why can’t we have a trans or disabled companion? Why can’t the Doctor be a queer woman of color?”

These are totally legitimate questions, and we should keep asking them.

“Do you know what it’s like to be told by someone in a position of power that you don’t belong here? That you are an aberration, a glitch in the matrix, that including you would be so inaccurate that it would collapse the narrative structure of a fictional television show that features a frakking alien traveling through time in a police box?”

Yes. I do.

And when you dismissed Amy and Clara as mere sexist stereotypes, mere codependent hangers-on of the Doctor, you re-inflict that wound on me and many other fans, because you’ve been granted a position of power, a platform in the blog of a major international SF publisher.

“Hearing that message all the time from pop culture is hard enough, but to get it from my favorite show was heartbreaking.”

I feel ya, Alex Brown. This needs to continue to be addressed.

But I’ll also remind readers that the Moffat era, despite its still-too-limited representation, gave us more disability representation than any other era of the show up to that point.

“Cut to the Jodie Whittaker announcement in July, 2017. For the first time in years, I watched the Christmas special—live, no less. To give credit where credit is due, Moffat’s swan song exceeded my (very low) expectations and Peter Capaldi was as excellent as I hoped he’d be. Whittaker had almost no screen time, but what she did get left me with a smile a mile wide.

"On top of her pitch-perfect casting, Thirteen will also be joined by three new companions, one a Black man and another a woman of Indian descent. Plus, the Season 11 writers’ room has added a Black woman, white woman, and a man of Indian descent. Several women will also be directing. New showrunner Chris Chibnall proclaimed that the renovated show will tell 'stories that resonate with the world we’re living in now,’ and will 'be the most accessible, inclusive, diverse season’ ever produced.

"These changes go beyond tokenism and into real diversity work. The show isn’t just sticking a woman in the titular role and patting themselves on the back. Diversity can’t just be about quotas. It must be about inclusion and representation in front of and behind the camera. Marginalized people need to be able to tell our own stories and speak directly to our communities. The majority already gets to do that, and now that conversation needs to happen across the board. The show still has a lot of work to do, both in terms of undoing the status quo of harmful tropes and in laying strong groundwork for later casts and crews. Yet, somewhat surprisingly, I feel hopeful for the show’s future.”

I totally agree with these three paragraphs (except I had high expectations of TUAT, which were also exceeded). In fact these paragraphs are a big part of why I felt like this article was worth sharing. I just couldn’t do it without significant reservation.

“And isn’t hope what the show is really all about? Doctor Who is a story about the hope for a better tomorrow, faith in your companions, and trust that you’re doing the right thing. It’s about a hero using their immense powers responsibly and in order to benefit those who need it the most. The Doctor creates space for the marginalized to stand up and speak out, to fight for their rights against those who would silence or sideline them.”

I’m not totally sure that that’s ever really been true before, but it’s an ongoing aspiration that the show keeps moving closer to.

“For too long, that ideal was lost to puzzle boxes, bloated mythology, and trope-y characters”

No it wasn’t. See above.

“but with the appearance of each new Thirteenth Doctor trailer, my hope grows a little more.

"It’s not often that you find your way back to something you loved and lost. At first, Doctor Who was a touchstone during my trials and hardships. Then it became a cornerstone in the foundation of the new life I was building. For a long time I left it encased in a wall, hidden in the basement of my subconscious, untouched and unwanted. Yet here I stand, sledgehammer in hand, putting a hole in that wall. I have set free my love of Doctor Who as Jodie Whittaker cheers me on. October 7 can’t come soon enough.”

This sentiment is really lovely. Welcome back, Alex Brown, and every other fan returning to Doctor Who after an absence of any length and for any reason. It’s shaping up to be a great new era.

Please remember, though, when talking to other fans, that other eras meant as much to some of them as this one means to you, and for similar reasons.

To those who are leaving because of toxic discourse about previous eras making them feel like their presence isn’t welcome and/or participating in fandom right now will only cause them pain: I’m going to miss you. I hope your DVDs and Big Finish and stuff continue to bring you joy. I hope you’ll come back again when it’s safe to do so.

To those who are leaving because they don’t like the idea of a female Doctor and/or two POC companions: BYE BYE! To be honest, nobody will miss you, but nevertheless I hope that eventually you realize how silly and harmful your biases are. When you do, I hope you’ll come back to Doctor Who. And you’ll be welcome.