#i managed to last two rounds and that was me using all the resources my character sheet had

[sysmedsaresexist]

We're curious, since you apparently were anti-endo in the past Was there any specific event or conversation or experience that got you to start contemplating the idea you might have been wrong? I know you've mentioned talking to a buncha big name docs and going "okay I think I'm on the wrong side of this debate" but what got you to the point of even bringing it up with them in a genuinely open minded way? We think its an interesting topic for people who've escaped any kind of shithead mindset, not just anti-endo stuff, and so we're oft curious what pulls people out of those pits

This has been a loooonnggggg time coming.

I wish there was just one event that did it, if it was that simple I'd be putting everyone I come into contact with into that situation.

I spoke with Kymbra Clayton in early 2021 about her paper, Critiquing the Requirement of Oneness. It was on a bunch of, "proof endos exist," lists, and it didn't sit right with me. I was surprised to find that she wasn’t... quite anti endo, but she was upset that her work was being used to support them. Her paper was specifically about the shift in clinical circles from final fusion to functional multiplicity as a possible treatment goal. It sort of sent me deeper on the anti side, but it made me realize that, holy crap, I can talk to these people???

So I emailed Colin Ross later that year, desperate to prove someone else wrong, and despite numerous back and forth emails, he was completely pro endo. I never spoke about that conversation until I made my post about it... jeez, what, two weeks ago? What even is time.

But from there, I worked through other doctors, pro and anti, from both my personal, professional circles, and anyone else who would respond to inquiries about their work on whatever social media they were active on. Mostly, as therapists, they stressed the importance of understanding and kindness, regardless of personal beliefs.

I ended up helping a lot of endogenic systems learn about DID, and I realized that, wow, shocking, being nice facilitates conversation. As I got nicer, people were more willing to talk to me about their experiences. I saw how many people were really struggling and I realized that I wanted to help them more than I wanted to be right.

I got REALLY goddamn tired of hearing, "we don't have DID," and I realized I had to concede on that point. There was ZERO conversation to be had if I couldn't get my head around that. But if not DID, then what?

The more I heard, the more I shaped my own thoughts and understanding, the more I broadened my academic searches (wow, there's more terms to Google than just "DID trauma"), and the research was just overwhelming.

I wanted so badly to see the Stanford Tulpa studies fail that I actually started to enjoy the other work of the doctors involved (specifically Tanya Luhrmann, Michael Lifshitz is a little out there for me, but he sure is passionate). The more I read, the more I understood what they were hoping to accomplish and prove, and the more I saw ways that this kind of research can help people.

I don't agree with everything, but I'm still excited to see where it goes, and I realized it's okay to have mixed feelings and opinions, as long as I could be respectful about it.

I've been sneaking out endo safe content for about a year now, adding it on as the last tags. I've discussed at length about my changing beliefs. I'm shocked that no one noticed??

But I didn't actually change my stance publicly until the antis turned on me.

With this new round of antis from TikTok, they were posting stuff about DID that wasn't correct. At all. Some of it was disgustingly wrong. I tried to correct them, gave them pointers and resources to use, explained things they weren't understanding. I gave an amazing play by play of how @sophieinwonderland was going to tear their post apart, and managed to get it pretty damn close to what actually happened! That was fun.

And in return, they called me an endo and started an actual smear campaign against me.

(Hi, friendos, another reminder to get off my blogs and block me, please)

It was the straw that broke the back. I had held on the anti label specifically to be able to work within the anti community, but I was clearly not anti, these were clearly not my people, and they weren't interested in learning. Their actions and behaviour were beyond low. I wanted nothing to do with them.

But, I mean, I guess some people noticed my slow shift, because when I did reach out into the endo community just before I made my first Colin Ross post, they were quick to pull me in without question.

The acceptance and kindness that has been shown to me is... breathtaking. I can't think of a better word. The conversations that I've been having with people have been more interesting and beneficial than ever before.

Syscourse needs to involve actual conversation, and I've finally found that on the pro side.

TL;dr I wanted to prove endos wrong SO badly that I accidentally proved them right

[writingwisterias]

Hi! Can you please write RE4 Leon with a werewolf! reader?

(what if "that dog" in RE4 was actually Reader in wolf form?)

Thanks for the request! This is such a cool idea I was thinking about it the entire time I was at work lmao. I hope you enjoy it! Sorry if its bad my work has been running me into the ground recently. This is my last request so If you have any please feel free to send anything!~ Mads <3

Warnings: None

Masterlist

Leon didn't see you at first as you crept in the shadows watching as he arrived, you were hoping to try and protect these people, all the hikers you had seen passing through these woods were often killed.

You noticed his gun and would run around stashing ammo for him in the crates hoping he would notice and use them, the merchant informing you on the ammo he needed when he would buy a new gun.

It wasn't until you got your foot stuck in that trap that he actually noticed you and not even that helped you. "You too buddy" you heard him speak as he rounded the corner obviously attracted by your yelping as you tried to free yourself from the trap.

Your eyes watched as his muscles bulged as he pulled apart the trap. He waited to see if you were okay, the action making you turn back at him even though your first thought was to run. His eyes peered at you as he looked at you closer, almost as if he could see that you weren't completely wolf.

He slowly started to creep forward his hand held out to you, but instead, you turned and ran into the bushes. Vaguely hearing him say "Take care of yourself, buddy"

You chose to stay in your wolf form in hopes the villagers and the people in the castle would leave alone until you got a safe ticket out of there.

Despite your injury, you continued to follow him, watching as he made his way through the fishing village and waited for him to walk through the gates with the church insignia he needed. Your tail wagged happily when you spotted him, glad that he was still okay.

Until they trapped him in the ring letting out one of the giants they had been brewing, the thing began to smash around attempting to kill him. you couldn't stand by and watch him die like the other humans that had stumbled, so you leapt into action.

Your ankle throbbed as you ran circles around the beast, biting at its ankles trying to ignore how its blood tasted when it would fill your jaws.

Eventually, the two of you managed to bring down the giant and you slowly crept over to him, bowing your head slightly. Leon felt you twitch as his fingers touched your matted coat, stroking you gently. His touch felt good it almost soothed away your pains, despite the rain you relaxed enough that your form started to change.

His fingers ended up weaving through your hair instead, the texture difference shocked him; he watched your form sit at his feet happily accepting the affection he had he watched your tail swish happily, your ears pinned back. You were a hybrid-

"You're human?" he asked. The question made you jump up in surprise suddenly realising that your form had revealed itself. You started to cower away from him as he leaned down holding out his hand "It's okay, I want to help"

"I escaped from an island close by, they kidnapped me years ago but I could never fully escape"

Your story made his heart ache as he listened momentarily forgetting about what he was meant to do (also because you were so cute)

He made a promise to help you get away from here with him, a chance to finally be safe.

So in return, you helped him right up until he entered the castle, you couldn't find a way in there so you chose to wait for him. Gathering any leftover resources he missed in case he came back.

You heard the drawbridge creak open signalling his approach a few hours later, you waited eagerly for him to see the haul, you were back in wolf form as you waited for him, but when he approached you changed back giving him a hug at the sight of his survival.

He invited you back with him on the helicopter, making you stay in dog form so you could live with him as if you were his pet dog and didn't have to go through the investigation he knew the government would do.

He welcomed you into his home helping you set up a space for you to live with him, eager to start this new chapter.

[paxarsenal]

Organic Music, Organic Love

As requested by @mx-jester, I shall write another Wavewave fanfic! This time, Soundwave gets a bit tired from working...

~~~

Another solar-cycle passed into another mega-cycle. After Shockwave’s initial return, the work within the Nemesis grew tenth fold. Project Predicon as dubbed by Shockwave resumed continuation. The scientist’s underground project not only sucked numerous supplies and resources from the flying ship, but management became desperate and demanding. Not to mention draining every contributing bot’s Energon tank into oblivion. Recharged wasn’t a choice either.  No Transformer could escape this, not even the notorious workaholic communications officer among them. 

Soundwave limped through the hallways. He hadn’t had a dose of Energon since last 48 breems. His engine tank hissed and churned. The HUD visor screen flashed uncontrollably as a desperate call to restock his falling system. Megatron began countless affairs of servitude to the Decepticon cause while Starscream occupied himself with other tasks. It left Soundwave starved and meek, his chassis armor heaving in weight from exhaustion. His digits couldn’t even lift a rusting nail after he finished the final round of code. 

Fortunately, what seemed to be a “mess hall” came to view. Mess hall was an overstretched definition. A large hall with unordered stacks of random trinkets and tools laid in corners as numerous Vechicons crowded the space. Soundwave immediately begrudged his decision. He didn’t want dinner disturbance from the terrible gossips and chatters, no less the own voices of meddling lower mechs. 

Nevertheless, the violet bot turned to the supply table and took out a fresh Energon cube. Soundwave settled into a corner where the light won’t reach and opened his visor, quickly chugging at the drink before slamming the empty shell down. One wasn’t enough. Eventually, Soundwave found himself surrounded by ten high Energon between his desire and hunger. At the end of the cycle, two refreshments were left unscathed. 

Groups of Vechicons suddenly burst into shouts. It perked Soundwave’s attention, turning to the crowd where the one and only Knockout stood in glowing scarlet paint. That particular mech always had something to ‘go on about’ and this solar-cycle wouldn’t be his last. 

“Ah ha,” Knockout jolted slightly in barely controlled excitement. The sports car bot moved out of the way to reveal a small unfamiliar device sitting on the table. It was rusting and dull. A small antenna and loudspeaker stood out from its design. Soundwave titled his helm curiously, signaling Knockout to continue his discovery. 

“I found this machine that organics love to use as entertainment. It’s called a radio!” Knockout announced, “It isn’t like our own radio transmitters, but plays music or news! Listen and watch!” 

The red medic pressed a few buttons and static began to roll over the radio until a coherent tune played. A few Vechicons ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ while others clapped along to the music. Knockout even began to sway his metal hips as he hummed the melody, almost as if he knew the song by spark. Soundwave didn’t know what to say; he was speechless for once, even if he never said anything at all. Words couldn’t describe how much he wanted to convey… 

Fly me to the moon

Let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is like on

A-Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand

In other words, baby, kiss me

It brought him back to Cybertron. There was a refill shack down the barren streets of Kaon; Shockwave and Soundwave idly pass around and about at the bar counter, bland conversation after the next. With diluted Energon in servo, their night held up. The hangout was a few from the first, and both mechs struggled for words. It wasn’t until Shockwave introduced him to a new discovery. 

“Organic music, have you heard of it?” Shockwave said, his voicebox rough from venting in the planet’s particles of land-waste dystopia.

“Negative: Soundwave… intrigued.” 

Shockwave went on. “For mega-cycles, our scientific team detected some wave signals in search for surplus Energon. However, unlike ours, it played organic tunes and sung songs from planet Earth.”

“… Songs,” Soundwave replayed with Shockwave’s audio. 

Shockwave shock his helm. “Exactly, a worthless find but nevertheless entertaining,” he hummed. His red lens burnt a bit bright as he looked towards the violet gladiator. “Care to listen when you’re available?”

There wasn’t a next time.

~~~

The radio continued to play as it lulled to a soft jazz. 

Between the commotion and music, Megatron strode into the crowd with Starscream behind him. The Cons immediately scattered, shifting to precarious position in the mess hall whereas Knockout straightened up his gears and bowed to the warlord. Brief exchanges of information and duties were made as the mech with a bucket for helm scorched the floor. Starscream looked unequally pleased, towards Megatron or to the various Vechicons horsing around, it didn’t matter. The trio of light and dark grey plus a hint of red set forth to the control room. Soundwave assumed he wasn’t needed; Megatron would have called him over since the two exchanged brief eye contact for one another. With the three gone and most of the Vechicons returning to their initial work, it left Soundwave to temporarily freedom. He spotted the lone radio; Knockout must had forgotten it with Megatron’s unexpected visit. 

With the bots gone, Soundwave removed himself from the seat and picked up the two remaining Energon cubes. His footsteps slowed and reached for the device before disappearing out of the exit.

Soundwave strolled down the hallways towards the end-most area of the Nemesis. Unexpressive yet knowing, he thought to himself: Did Shockwave ate today? Time seemed to have past but there were no implications to how much went on. Could be solar-cycles until now. The thought only made him squeeze the Energon cube until it pulsed with glowing blue liquid.

At last, he was outside of Shockwave’s laboratory. 

“Soundwave?” His partner said upon seeing the mech enter his chambers, “What a lovely surprise.” Soundwave nodded his helm and placed the neatly stacked Energon on the lab table and slide them towards the Empurata. Shockwave gave a quick thanks before heading back to work. However, another metal click alerted the violet bot to look the rusting item.

“Ah, a radio,” Shockwave mused, inspecting the musical machine with delicate digits. “It’s a delight to see in front of me.” Soundwave nodded to his statement. He trotted to Shockwave’s berth before sitting on it. Both had became familiar again after Shockwave’s return, and to sit on his personal recharge station was another pastime for Soundwave. The action itself stood pure among the other intimate activities they did behind closed doors. 

“I’m impressed, you remembered,” the Empurata hummed, “How long ago was that? Do you recall?” 

“Negative.”

“I’m not surprised.” Soundwave chuckled at that.

Shockwave pressed a button on the device as it played, almost like it was filled with genuine compassion. He motioned himself to Soundwave where he sat quietly and obediently. 

Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true

In other words, I love you

Both idly listened. Their visors gazing over the other for an answer. Shockwave was the first to avert his gaze, Soundwave followed. A heavy wave of exhaustion suddenly occurred within Soundwave’s frame. His helm drooped before tiling back up. 

Shocked noticed.

“Soundwave… Comms to Soundwave,” Shockwave said softly, his large figure hovering over Soundwave’s fatigued body. A gentle sharp servo cupped his helm as Soundwave swatted it away embarrassed. Of course, Shockwave didn’t know that. 

“You seem exhausted.” 

His partner fought to say no, yet his protoform betrayed his mind as he swayed once his pedes attempted to get up. Just in time, the scientist caught him in his gun arm. Perhaps he was, Soundwave concluded.

“Rest, you can borrow my berth for tonight,” Shockwave insisted. It took a few seconds before he added: “I won’t be too nosy.” 

Soundwave measly laid on the berth as told. He listened to Shockwave work. The soft music took any tension left unscathed and that helped him rest. Soon, the mech felt at peace for the first time. No code, no war, and no annoying Starscream buzzing to keep him awake. His HUD visor turned to Shockwave, his back facing him yet the purple con recognize that silent treatment.

“Soundwave… do you think this war would end?”

“…” 

“Is that a ‘Stand By’?”

“… Affirmative.”

“How illogical of an answer, but I suppose as a scientist—not a time traveler, your answer is most definitely logical.”

Fill my heart with song

Let me sing forevermore

You are all I long for, all I worship and adore

In other words, please be true

In other words

In other words

I love you

[injuries-in-dust]

What concerns me with the humans are space orcs stuff oddly enough was humanity's clothing,

Looking at mass effect and other SciFi games and films the clothes suck, boring and basic design all round.

Then I look at what we wore around the 1800s, where did our sense of fashion go?

Security chief Thron frowned as they looked down at the human, classified as; "Stowaway" in the holding cell.

Xe didn't know how the conversation had spun around to this topic, but it was engaging enough to pass the hours until they reached the next spaceport to hand the human over to the proper authorities. "Human fashion is so boring."

Jupiter classified themselves as a "Hitchhiker" but after a few hours in the cell and settled on an "agree to disagree" mentality with the security chief.

They shook their head. "You've clearly not met the right humans."

Thronn shook xyr head, "I have met many humans during my service."

"Oh service," Jupiter rolled their eyes. "You can't judge human fashion based on those guys in the service. Uniforms don't count."

"It is not just humans within the service I have met. We are a cargo vessel, we bring many useful supplies to many fledgling colonies, human ones included."

Jupiter shook their head, "new colonies? You're judging fashion by what you see on the new colonies?"

"Then what of your garments? Dull colourings all over your person. Little accoutrements to be seen. Very boring. Very typical of human stowaways."

"Hitchhikers." Jupiter corrected. "You can't judge hitchhikers and colonists. They don't have the resources to waste on fancy stuff, and I've got to travel light. It's all about keeping it simple. Hardwearing stuff that lasts a long time and could be easily replaced or repaired. And the dark colours help me hide when I'm stow... hitchhiking."

Thronn decided xe would let that slip of the tongue pass without comment.

Jupiter looked xem up and down. Even in a uniform, the alien had been allowed a few accessorires of cultural significance. It certainly added splashes of colour to the usually dull grey security uniform. A small headdress with a bright embroidered pattern, a sash around the waist with a matching design, and an epaulette on the shoulder made of small conical seashells stitched onto silk and painted in bright colours.

It was certainly more than Jupiter had going on. They had a navy blue bomber jacket, dark shirt, dark khaki trousers, brown hiking boots, a black and white shemagh wrapped around her neck and a dark green and black rucksack usually slung over her back, but right now it was sitting outside the cell in an evidence locker. The closest to an accessory they had going on was a few ID patches sewn onto the jacket and bag. Name, species, blood type, and world of origin.

Photographs and memories were their souvenirs.

"Have you ever been to any of the long-established colonies? Any that have been around for a century or more?"

Thronn shook xyr head, "I haven't. The ship's duties only take us around the border worlds."

"Then you haven't seen what humans are really capable of when they get comfortable." Jupiter pointed over to the locker holding their bag. "There are some pictures on my datapad. I managed to visit Port Marinda, Alforanza, and New Barcelona last year, they're all human colonies, all about two hundred years old. Go on, get the pad and I'll show you the pictures."

Against xyr better judgement, Thronn opened the locker and retrieved the datapad. Xe opened a small hatch in the holding cell, usually used to pass meals through.

Jupiter scrolled through the pictures until they found the folder holding the pictures of their visit to New Barcelona. The pictures showed the wonderful countryside of rolling hills of silver and purple grass, scattered with trees with leaves of bright orange. Sunglasses were a must when walking in the countryside because of the risk of violent headaches, especially on sunny days. The sunsets were simply stunning, and they had amazing local fruit that looked like a red banana and tasted like raspberry and dark chocolate.

The capital city was also a sight to see. Tall, wavy and twisting buildings that looked like bright coral growing right out of the ground. Each one was a different colour so every district contained a rainbow of either bright or pastel shades.

The people were equally bright and ingenious in their clothing. Jupiter turned the screen to show Thronn a picture they'd taken of a picturesque street market.

Thronn looked at the handful of humans in the picture. One human wore a colourful dress that looked almost like millions of feathers sewn together. Even in the still image, xe could imagine how they would shimmer in the light.

Another human, a male, he wore a bright green suit, covered with silver, gossamer-like webbing which rose out of the shoulders, spreading behind him, resembling small wings.

Xe spotted a person Xe almost thought wasn't human at all until xe realised that their skin was painted from the neck down. Covering the paint was a simple dress that looked like a net. Where each thread crisscrossed with another, a brightly coloured jewel had been sewn.

One human being, who looked to be talking with a shopkeeper over some sort of food, was dressed in an elegant gown of a bright colourful fabric that looked like a sunset itself had been turned into the material that made the garment.

There was a tall adolescent human was dressed in a tight full-body outfit with an elaborate headdress which covered their entire face with a snake-like mask. You couldn't see the human and it gave Thronn an almost unsettling impression of a large bipedal reptile moving among the humans.

"You see," Jupiter said. "Forget uniforms, travellers and frontier colonies. Just give humans time to settle down, get some resources to spare and watch their imaginations fly."

Thronn had to admit it. Human fashion was not boring.

[donnerpartyofone]

In 10+ years of active job hunting, all of the interviews I have had are:

I applied for an assistant role at this hip-sounding consultancy and I got through several rounds of scrutiny with an HR person who seemed convinced I would get the job. Finally I booked an interview with the actual boss, and the second it started everything fell apart. I had an initial technical problem with the video call and that didn't look good, but there was already a bigger issue: She immediately started shouting at me for wasting her time because I had made a mildly self-deprecating joke to the HR person (it had to do with my work with horror media which is not to everyone's taste). She was yelling and yelling about how you NEVER, EVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOURSELF EVER, WHY WOULD YOU EVER, EVER SAY ANYTHING CRITICAL ABOUT YOURSELF EVER. Then she sort of parlayed that into interrogating me about my goals in life, with the implication that I must not have any. It was apparent to me that she knew before we even started that she was never going to hire me because she felt that I had shown weakness to the enemy basically, and I can only assume she booked the interview because she enjoys torturing vulnerable strangers, but it was very shocking in any case.

I applied to be a production coordinator at this startup founded by one of these guys with more money than things to do. They were supposed to make, like...inventions? This is a somewhat aspirational description: They had an early 3D printer and the idea was that citizens would send in their invention ideas and the company would print and sell them. They'd had moderate success with kind of a modular power strip, and I guess they just assumed ideas like that would keep coming. The interview lasted 4 or 5 hours. I was sent into a little windowless room where I was interviewed by one person at a time for a very long time. The first guy was this zany douchebag who bombarded me with problems to solve: WHAT IF A GUY CALLS AND SAYS HE CAN'T SEND HIS INVENTION BECAUSE DOESN'T HAVE A SCANNER? WELL WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A CAMERA? WELL WHAT IF HE HAS NO COMPUTER? WELL WHAT IF THERE'S NO LIBRARY NEAR HIM? WELL WHAT IF THERE'S NO POST OFFICE? WELL WHAT IF HE CAN'T WRITE OR DRAW? WELL WHAT IF HE CAN'T DESCRIBE IT? COME ON! YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! The second guy was a sad sack manager who was subtly venting about how his staff didn't like him. The third guy was this chick who was openly throwing mad shade on the second guy, while also insulting me to my face. I forget who even else there was. It was like a police interrogation, by the fourth hour I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I'm sure I would have confessed to murder. A month or two later I noticed I had all these voicemails my shitty phone never surfaced from the company trying desperately to hire me, but it was sort of a dodged bullet because they folded shortly after that.

I got a call back for an archivist position at a radio station. I only realized after the fact that due to being a humongous dumbass, my cover letter addressed the wrong company--a more popular station with a similar acronym--but I actually don't think that was the problem. The conversation was pleasant but I didn't have the exact technical abilities they wanted; they would have been willing to train me if they couldn't find anyone else, but that's not what happened.

At this point I'm really freaking out. I don't have the resources to go back to school or whatever and I'm not convinced that getting a degree or certification in a useful trade would really allow me to beat other candidates who are younger, more experienced, and with a more normal work/education history. Actually I DID get a certification in what I thought would be a useful trade before I even quit my old job to avoid drinking myself to death, but I've never gotten a call back for any relevant jobs--surely because I don't have any practical experience, it's all classroom shit and I'm not exactly internship material. Right when I quit my job I saw a career counselor, and I also worked with this corporate climber ex-colleague who gave me a lot of resume and cover letter advice, but none of that has made a difference. Recently a friend got my resume to his recruiter, he blew all this smoke up my ass about how great my resume is and how if I don't hear from the recruiter it's because she's a flake, and I really had to hold my temper because there is such abundant evidence that the problem is ME. I mean only psychos even call me back and most of them weren't interested anyway. I think unemployment is not available to me since I wasn't laid off or fired. I don't really know how temp agencies work, and I seem to have a lot of inconvenient handicaps, like I cannot do basic math, it seems pretty pathological. I don't really know how anything works, obviously.

I'm in this position because I thought preserving my mental health was more important than my job, and I foolishly assumed "something would work out" even though I had been looking for a new job almost that whole time. Also I followed a lot of well-meaning and extremely bad advice about "following my dreams" or whatever, which I actually had some unique and amazing opportunities to do--I mean if I didn't take them then I would still be wondering what-if--but I should have known never to take a chance on myself like that. I could, if I really wanted to, blame my family for not teaching me anything about real life, but the truth is that following dreams has paid off big time for every single person in our orbit except for me, so it's hard to fault people for just repeating what is personally true for them. I mean it's frustrating when someone asks you why you're looking for a job when you should just go get a book deal instead (!), but just because we're from the same family doesn't mean we're from the same planet. It's nobody's fault for assuming good things about me (although it does make me mad that they still won't face reality and everyone just thinks I'm "not trying"). But now I'm in danger and it's been coming for years, for most of my life in a way, and I don't know what to do. I apply for everything, but I look overqualified for the small things I might actually be able to do, and the jobs I do look qualified for won't give me a second look because I'm not THAT qualified really (and/or the market is flooded with people like me). I feel like I've hit up all the professional help I can find. Is there like...some sort of, I don't know what, psychologist that specializes in telling you how to get a job? I just don't know. HMU if you are able to explain to me what a job is and how to get one.

(That's mostly a rhetorical question unless you literally have specialized insider knowledge or your NYC-based boss is hiring or something. Please bear in mind that I am a middle-aged adult and I know how e.g. LinkedIn works. I have been using job boards extensively and elaborately for more than 15 years. As per my thesis, I have consulted many professional experts already. Please don't do the equivalent of reading someone's post wondering about something, and sending them a Wikipedia link to the topic like they've never heard of that before. Just please don't. I shouldn't have to say this but I know that I do.)

[cts-games]

Breakheart: Dev Diary 3

The strengths of Fused System games

Last week dev diary (moving took more out of me than i thought, as did dealing with a very persistent TERF harassing me over on my main tumblr, I talked about Fused Systems and how to achieve synergy between the two systems used in the game. As a reminder, 'Fused System' is a term I entirely made up, to describe the TTRPG design niche of taking two games and jamming them together with duct tape, and 'Synergy' is just a buzzword for my game design neuroses and making sure certain things line up (such as using a consistent resolution system), even if no one else seems to care.

This week, I'll be expanding on the Synergy I'll be adding to the game, and why I chose Anima: Prime and Last Stand specifically as the basis for this project.

As mentioned before, the thing about ICON that made it feel like it falls short, was the lack of connective tissue. It felt too obvious in play that you were just switching between two different games.

Last week dev diary, I pointed to the dissimilar dice of the two games as part of the issue, and indeed, it can be part of it. However, it's far from the full story. A game doesn't NEED to use the same mechanical resolution across both of its modes. Indeed, the split between Combat Resolution and Out-of-Combat Resolution mechanics are one of the praised aspects of Stars Without Number.

However, in SWN you are still working off of a single character sheet. In ICON you are working off of two seperate character sheets, one for combat and one for out of combat. Nothing between the two sheets are shared (outside of XP and Dust)

The actual cause of this lack of synergy runs much deeper. NOTHING between the two sides of the game interact with each other. How would one go about fixing this for ICON? I'm not so sure. The two systems don't seem to actually get along. It's a large part of the reason I don't think it's viable to just take any two games and mash them together.

Resource Management in Anima: Prime and Last Stand

As the heading suggests, Anima: Prime and Last Stand both have a shared focus on one particular part of their gameplay: Resource Management.

In Anima: Prime, players have 3 Resource pools they keep tokens in (usually just the dice you will be rolling, because tokens are spent to gain dice 1:1), called the Action Pool, Strike Pool, and Charge Pool.

Each pool has a specific use for what it allows the player to do with their character. Action Pool dice are spent on Manuevers, the big flashy attacks that look pretty but don't actually move the narrative forward on their own. After a Manuever, dice that rolled a 3-5 are moved to the Strike Pool, and dice that rolled a 6 go to the Charge Pool.

Strike Pool dice are spent to make the kinds of attacks that DO push the narrative forward. The attacks that inflict lasting Wounds, and drive the opponent closer to defeat. They are also spent on Achievement actions that allow you to accomplish Goals during conflict, changing your relative narrative positioning, or even offering alternative win conditions for a conflict.

The Charge Pool is used to fund abilities that enhance the effects of your strikes. Many of the games powers use Charge Dice to offer a variety of effects, from healing to adding elemental damage to attacks to inflicting status conditions. They are hard to obtain but can be used to great effect.

Last Stand, on the other hand, only has a single Token Pool, but does have a highly recommended optional rule for a second pool, which ties into the initiavite system. Initiative in This second pool, the Combat Bribe, gains one token at the start of every combat round, and at the start of any round players can choose to delay their action until after the NPCs all act, to add all the tokens in their Combat Bribe to their Token Pool. This helps improve the token economy while also adding more tactical depth to combat by choosing when you actually gain those tokens.

Finding and Creating System Synergy in Breakheart

All of this comes together to demonstrate why I chose these two systems, and why I'm hunting this synergy. After all, what's the point of hunting for these compatibilities between systems if there isn't a way to utilize it? TRICK QUESTION: I design games for fun, and you don't need an ulterior motive to have fun. Though, luckily, in this case there is an additional benefit.

DESIGN SPACE!

Design space is a nebulous term, made all the less clear by the enshitification of Google leading to any attempts to look up the term to instead redirect you to CNC machines (as in the machines that cut stuff into specific shapes, not half the trans gals I follow on tumblr).

I layman's terms, design space is just a description of how much a developer can do with their own system, with the limitations they have placed. For example, Breakheart only uses 10-sided dice, and doesn’t use them as percentile dice. This limits my design space by preventing me from doing things like "Add an extra d4 to your roll" or having effects with a percentage chance to trigger (unless that chance is a multiple of 10%).

Again, just changing both systems to use the same dice isn't enough to create synergy on its own. It creates consistency, sure, but it restricts your design space and limits your games potential. Instead you need to find places where the design spaces of both games overlaps, and elements from both games can contribute to each other. For Breakheart, the focus of this synergy is in two places: Wounds and Resources.

Wounds

Wounds are fairly basic and easy to grasp. In Anima: Prime, players have 3(ish) Wounds that they can take before being taken out. In Last Stand, players have about 20(ish) points divided across 4 stats that determine how strong they are, but also use these stats as HP. If a stat is reduced to 0 then you lose your bonus when rolling that stat.

Obviously, 20 and 3 are not numbers that are close together, and would be hard to mesh together. Sure, you could finagle it so that wounds applied some amount of damage, or receiving a certain amount of damage will count as a wound, but this is insufficient in my view. Again, it feels two much like playing two entirely separate games. However, 4 and 3 are MUCH closer to each other. Just have wounds tied to eaxh stat. This also helps provide some clarity for an oft misunderstood mechanic in Last Stand, where players think they use only their current HP as a bonus to their rolls, which is incorrect.

Now, when a stat is reduced to 0 that stat becomes Wounded, and Wounds are what negate the bonus on the roll. Outside of combat you don't need to focus on the minutiae of tracking individual HP, and so instead you just deal directly with wounds. This also means enemy statblocks can be compatible with both subsystems without needing to have two different sets of stats for each mode of play.

Resources

The other place the games overlaps is in their resource management. By combining aspects of each system, both games benefit. Players have 3 pools, now renamed to Action, Attack, and Amplify, because I am not immune to the draw of alliteration. Tokens are moved between these pools or spent when activating various abilities. However, these tokens ALSO have their own Innate effects that activate while they are in a specific pool.

Tokens in your Action Pool represent your stamina and you draw from this pool to fill the other ones. Tokens in the Attack Pool represent your ability to harm others and are spent to make attacks in both Conflict and Combat phases. Tokens in the Amplify Pool represent your ability to aid others or enhance yourself, and are spent on additional effects in Conflict phases and on non-damaging effects in Combat phases.

In Conflict phases (the Combat portion of Anima: Prime), tokens generally flow from the Action Pool into the Attack Pool, with the occasional token going into Amplify instead. This supports those scenes strengths, focusing on intense but fast Combat that still has a tactical element through its resource management.

In Combat phases (the combat portion of Last Stand), this flow is switched, with tokens now flowing from the Action Pool into the Amplify Pool (functioning as the Combat Bribe mechanic from Last Stand), and from there either being spent or moved to the Attack Pool. This leads to the more drawn out and thoughtful combats of the grid-based combat. It's also my hope that by making non-damaging actions easier to build resources for, those actions will become more attractive and the game will promote a more collaborative team-based style of play, as opposed to just a focus on maximizing damage output.

Tokens can also have their own effects, just like in Last Stand. This is where the design space of Breakheart REALLY shines through the strongest in my opinion. Each non-basic Token now has 2 tags on it, as well as a passive effect. The first tag determines what phases the token is active in (Conflict or Combat, though theoretically there could be some that affect Character scenes as well), and the second tag determines what pools the token is active in (Action/Attack/Amplify/All).

Tokens can also have different effects in different phases. Poison is a status condition present in both games, and is mostly the same for both, but with some minor changes to account for how the systems interact. A Poison Token would have the following effect:

[Combat - Attack] At the start of your turn, take 1 Poison damage.

[Conflict - Any] At the start of your turn, lose 1 Token from your Action Pool.

This opens up some fun new design spaces that weren't previously possible in either game. You can have enemies with a 'Slow Acting Poison' attack that adds Poison counters to the players Amplify Pool. Now players have a choice. Do they move the tokens into their Attack Pool causing it to activate immediately but letting it fuel their stronger attacks? Do they use their actions for some non-damaging action to spend it before it starts causing trouble? Do they leave it where it is and try to find a way to get rid of it before the next Conflict where it will activate regardless of what Pool it's in?

An extremely basic attack leads to a huge split in possible options for the player. Creating design spaces like this, in my opinion, is where Fused System games can really excel and are something I would love to see more often. The overlap of these systems can offer so much potential, and I am so excited to explore it.

[thatonelesbianfander]

I got bored and threw the Sanders Sides cast into a Hunger Games Simulator again

Here’s how it went!

So, last year I got bored one day, and decided to throw the sides along with C!Thomas and Nico into a Hunger Games Simulator and see how it went. Well, now I’m doing it again with almost double the cast! There will be two rounds since the first round was pretty short and ended very abruptly.

Here’s a link to the simulator I’m using if you would like to try it yourself!

Here’s the link to part 1 if you would like to see it! (You do not need to see it before this one though!

Side note: I am using canon pronouns for the sides instead of my headcanon pronouns to keep from confusion! Also, any real life people are playing their character versions from the series! Also, unlike part 1, this part won’t really have any images from the actual game since I can’t fit them all in here!

Trigger warning for death, violence, murder, and suicide under the cutoff

First, let’s meet the tributes!

Returning tributes:

Thomas Sanders (male, he/him)

Logan Sanders (male, he/him)

Roman Sanders (male, he/him)

Patton Sanders (male, he/him)

Virgil Sanders (male, he/him)

Remus Sanders (male, he/him)

Janus Sanders (male, he/him) (part 1’s winner)

Nico Flores (male, he/him)

Orange Sanders (male, he/him)

New tributes:

Joan (nonbinary, they/them)

Leslie Odom Jr (male, he/him)

Mary Lee and Lee (grouped, they/them)

S1 Roman (male, he/him)

S1 Patton (male, he/him)

S1 Logan (male, he/him)

S1 Virgil (male, he/him)

Crofters Bear (male, he/him)

Lilypadton (male, he/him)

Lilly Singh (female, she/her)

Mr. Fuzzy (male, he/him)

Now that we’ve met the tributes, let’s get into the game!

Round 1: Bloodbath

The sky is clear, and the day is high. In the center of an arena, 20 people spawn on platforms. At the sound of a gun, the players sprint off their podiums and to the cornucopia. 0 people dead, 20 remain.

Right off the bat, we’ve got our first death with S1 Patton deciding to commit suicide as he could not handle the circumstances. Orange Sanders decided to stay at the cornucopia for resources. Meanwhile Mary Lee and Lee found a bag of explosives, which Nico Flores steals from the two. Nico grabs an explosive from the bag, setting it off and killing Virgil Sanders in the process. Both S1 Logan and Thomas Sanders grabbed a bag not realizing it was empty, while Roman Sanders grabs a first aid kit and runs away. Meanwhile, Remus Sanders grabs a sword, sneaking up behind S1 Virgil and decapitating him. Over at another side of the center of the arena, Joan severely injured Leslie Odom Jr., running away after and leaving him to die. Over in another section, the Crofters Bear takes a hatchet to the chest from Mr. Fuzzy. Meanwhile, S1 Roman and Lilly Singh make it off from the cornucopia, Lilly with a shovel and S1 Roman with a pair of sais. Logan Sanders decided to run away from the cornucopia, and gets away just in time as Lilypadton set off a explosive he also stole from the explosive bag which kills Patton Sanders and Janus Sanders who were running away behind him.

Round 2: Day 1

The first day of the Hunger Games starts as everyone eventually leaves the cornucopia and splits off in different directions. 7 people dead, 13 remain.

Thomas snuck through the forest of the arena, crossing paths with Lilly Singh. Under a lot of pressure and not knowing what to do, Thomas attacks Lilly but Lilly managed to escape before he could do any real damage. Meanwhile in another section, Mary Lee and Lee made a slingshot as Roman tainted S1 Roman’s food, killing him. Orange Sanders lurked around the forest, hunting for other tributes. Meanwhile, S1 Logan received clean water from an unknown sponsor as Logan Sanders steals from Joan while they weren’t looking. Orange stalked through the forest some more, coming across an open patch of land where Mr. Fuzzy and Remus Sanders stood. Orange watched as the two threatened a double suicide. The threat failed though and Mr. Fuzzy and Remus both died. Meanwhile, in another section of the arena, Lilypadton travels to higher ground hoping to get an advantage over the others as Nico tried to sleep through the entire day.

Round 3: Night 1

As the sun set on day 1, night became increasingly closer, and the chaos of the day starts to die down a little. 10 people dead, 10 remain.

At Lilypadton’s camp, Lilypadton sat on the ground trying desperately to start a fire. he ends up not being successful though and soon decides to sleep without warmth. Meanwhile, Joan caught Logan trying to steal from his camp again. The two enter a fight, which Joan eventually wins, overpowering Logan and killing him. Over in another section, Roman decided to set up camp for the night, but while setting up, he looks off into the distance just in time to see Lilly Singh shoot an arrow. Lilly, who was originally aiming for Mary Lee and Lee, instead misses them and shoots Nico Flores. A scream could be heard a few minutes later as Orange screamed for help. This scream frightened S1 Logan. He decided to ask Thomas if he could stay in his shelter, to which Thomas agrees, letting S1 Logan into his shelter.

Round 4: Day 2

The sun rose, signaling the start of the second day. The surviving contestants take down their camps and start their move once more. 12 people dead, 8 remain.

Thomas walked through the woods of the arena, stumbling upon Lilypadton. Lilypadton, under stress tried to run away in Thomas’s direction. Thomas, taking this as a charge, kills Lilypadton before he could potentially attack. Meanwhile, Lilly searches for a water source with Orange as Orange thinks about home. The two instead stumble upon Joan and Roman fighting Mary Lee and Lee, and S1 Logan. Lilly and Orange watch as S1 Logan and Mary Lee and Lee eventually come out of the fight victorious.

Round 5: Night 2

The sun eventually set over the arena again, and the chaos of the day eventually settled as well. 15 people dead, 5 remain.

Lilly stalked around the forest, now alone with her own thoughts. She had broken off with orange a little bit before sun down, and now searched for food. She soon stumbled upon the rest of the tributes all camping together. Lilly looked down at the explosive she had picked up during the bloodbath. She took a deep breath, throwing the explosive into the camp. The explosive detonated as soon as it hit the ground, killing Orange, Thomas, S1 Logan, and Mary Lee and Lee in one strike, ending the games.

Summary:

Total rounds: 5

Bloodiest round: 1

Most kills: Lilly Singh

First blood: Nico Flores

Last blood: Lilly Singh

First death: S1 Patton

Last deaths: Orange Sanders, Thomas Sanders, S1 Logan, Mary Lee and Lee

Character Stats:

Thomas Sanders- 1 kill, dead round 5

Logan Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 3

Roman Sanders- 1 kill, dead round 4

Patton Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 1

Virgil Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 1

Remus Sanders- 1 kill, dead round 2

Janus Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 1

Nico Flores- 1 kill, dead round 3

Orange Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 5

Joan- 2 kills, dead round 4

Leslie Odom Jr- 0 kills, dead round 1

Mary Lee and Lee- 2 kills, dead round 5

S1 Roman- 0 kills, dead round 2

S1 Patton- 0 kills, dead round 1

S1 Logan- 2 kills, dead round 5

S1 Virgil- 0 kills, dead round 1

Crofters Bear- 0 kills, dead round 1

Lilypadton- 2 kills, dead round 4

Lilly Singh- 5 kills, winner

Mr. Fuzzy- 1 kill, dead round 2

Game 2

The arena stood quiet, all reset from the events before. On the podiums, the tributes started to reform, the scars and wounds from the previous round healing. The tributes looked around, taking in their surroundings. Before anyone had any time to process anything though, a gun sounded.

Round 1: Bloodbath

As the gun sounds, the players rush off their podiums and to the cornucopia in the middle. 0 people dead, 20 remain.

Thomas was the first to grab something, grabbing a back bag and rushing off before anything could get too chaotic. Both of the Romans teamed up and started a fight with Mary Lee and Lee, and Lilly Singh, but don’t win. Virgil on the other hand decided to hide in the cornucopia while the Crofters Bear grabs a sickle and Joan grabs a pair of sais. Leslie Odom Jr scared Orange away from the cornucopia so Janus, who he paired up with, could grab a bottle of alcohol and a rag. Chaos soon broke out at the corucopia as Logan killed Lilypadton with his own weapon. S1 Virgil runs into Joan while running away from S1 Logan. S1 Virgil looked down at the pair of sais Joan was holding them, snatching them from Joan and repeatedly stabbing S1 Logan with them. Joan and S1 Virgil retreated together after. Meanwhile, back at the cornucopia, Remus protects S1 Patton from Mr Fuzzy’s attack, killing Mr Fuzzy in the process. Remus is not quick enough to save Patton though as Nico stabs him with a tree branch.

Round 2: Day 1

The first day of the Hunger Games starts as everyone eventually leaves the cornucopia and splits off in different directions. 6 people dead, 14 remain.

The Crofters Bear snuck through the forest, stumbling upon a river. The Crofters Bear watched as S1 Virgil ran through the water and away from S1 Patton. Meanwhile, Lilly Singh, Orange, and Logan stood near a tree. Lilly had received medical supplies from an unknown sponsor which Logan was helping her apply to her wounds from her previous fight with the Romans. Orange stood near the two, holding the hatchet he had also received from a sponsor, on the lookout for any threat. Janus tried to sneak up on the two but before he or Orange could do anything, he was scared away when Logan pulled out a knife. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Mary Lee and Lee had Thomas and Joan tied up. They handed a knife to Leslie, forcing him to chose who to kill, Leslie reluctantly decides to kill Thomas, letting Joan go free. Meanwhile, Virgil, Nico, and Remus were at another tree, Virgil attempting to climb it to grab the apples that grew on it as Remus made a wooden spear. Virgil grabbed one of the fruits, but ended up losing his balance, falling from the tree and on top of Nico, who tried to catch him which killed them both.

Round 3: Night 1

As the sun set on day 1, night became increasingly closer, and the chaos of the day starts to die down a little. 9 people dead, 11 remain.

Leslie, Janus, and Remus decided to set up camp together. To cope with what he had just been through, Remus started to sing some songs. Janus and Leslie soon joined in, the three singing songs together. Meanwhile, at another section of the forest, Logan, S1 Virgil, and Mary Lee and Lee fought. Logan ended up tripping and falling into a frozen lake, drowning as S1 Virgil strangled Mary Lee and Lee with a rope. In another part of the arena, Orange and the Crofters Bear set up camp. orange tended to his wounds as the Crofters bear tried to light a fire. He was unsuccessful though, and the two just decided to sleep without warmth instead. Near the two’s camp, Lilly and S1 Patton fought, the fight ending with Lilly bashing in S1 Patton’s head with a mace. Meanwhile, Joan tried to search for a camp, but ended up passing out due to exhaustion.

Round 4: Day 2

The sun rose, signaling the start of the second day. The surviving contestants take down their camps and start their move once more. 12 people dead, 8 remain.

As Janus, Remus, and Leslie disbanded from the night before, Leslie decided to stalk Remus throughout the day. Meanwhile, Janus bumped into Joan, the two deciding to work together for the day. As Orange and the Crofters bear left their camp, Orange, like Leslie with Remus, also decided to stalk the Crofters bear throughout the day. Meanwhile, while all of that was happening, Lilly Singh tends to S1 Virgil’s wounds from the night before.

Round 5: Night 2

The sun eventually set over the arena again, and the chaos of the day eventually settled as well. 12 people dead, 8 remain.

Lilly sets up camp by herself, successfully starting a fire and sleeping in the warmth. Meanwhile, the Crofters Bear passed out from exhaustion near Janus and Orange’s camp where Janus cried himself to sleep and Orange was awoken by nightmares. Orange curled up next to Janus, falling back asleep after some breathing exercises. Meawhile, at Leslie’s camp, he made himself food before deciding to put his fire out. Over at another camp, Joan, Remus, and Virgil all sleep in shifts, all too anxious to sleep without protection.

Round 6: Feast

As the sun rises, the cornucopia is refilled with more supplies. The players are all alerted of this, and after taking down their camps, decide to investigate. 12 people dead, 8 remain.

Chaos breaks out at the cornucopia as people fight for supplies. Lilly Singh ends up setting an explosive off on Janus as Remus sets Leslie on fire with a molotov. Joan and S1 Virgil fight, but Joan is able to convince S1 Virgil not to kill them. S1 Virgil agrees but Joan kills him as soon as he turns his back. Meanwhile, Orange and the Crofters bear get into a fight over raw meat. The Crofters bear ends up giving up and running away before Orange could kill him though.

Round 7 & 8: Day 3 & Night 3

Everyone who survived the chaos make off with the supplies they gathered, splitting off into opposite directions. 15 people dead, 5 remain.

Remus and Orange stand near a berry bush, Remus going through the medical supplies he had received from a sponsor to find something to patch up Orange’s wounds he had gotten from picking berries. Meanwhile, Lilly, Joan, and the Crofters bear all get into a fight, Lilly tripping and falling into a pit as Joan throws a knife into the Crofters Bear’s head. That night, Joan runs into Orange and Remus. The two were hesitant around Joan at first, but the three eventually ended up setting up camp together, talking about the games and what might happen in the morning together.

Round 9 & 10: Day 4 & Night 4

Remus, Joan, and Orange all wake up at different times, each leaving the camp and going off on their own. 17 people dead, 3 remain.

Throughout the day, the three traveled around the arena. Orange headed up to higher ground, while Remus stalked through the forest. Remus eventually came across Joan again, who was picking berries from a bush. Remus decided it would be the perfect time to strike and ambushed Joan, killing them. Remus stalked off again, hunting for Orange. He eventually found him during the night. Orange, knowing Remus had bad intentions, tried to run away but Remus ended up killing him anyway, ending the games.

Summary:

Total rounds: 10

Bloodiest round: 1

Most kills: Lilly Singh

First blood: Mary Lee and Lee, and Lilly Singh

Last blood: Remus Sanders

First death: Roman Sanders, and S1 Roman

Last death: Orange Sanders

Character Stats:

Thomas Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 2

Logan Sanders- 1 kill, dead round 3

Roman Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 1

Patton Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 1

Virgil Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 2

Remus Sanders- 3 kills, winner

Janus Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 6

Nico Flores- 1 kill, dead round 2

Orange Sanders- 0 kills, dead round 10

Joan- 2 kills, dead round 9

Leslie Odom Jr- 1 kill, dead round 6

Mary Lee and Lee- 2 kills, dead round 3

S1 Roman- 0 kills, dead round 1

S1 Patton- 1 kill, dead round 3

S1 Logan- 0 kills, dead round 1

S1 Virgil- 2 kills, dead round 6

Crofters Bear- 0 kills, dead round 7

Lilypadton- 0 kills, dead round 1

Lilly Singh- 4 kills, dead round 7

Mr. Fuzzy- 0 kills, dead round 1

At the end of the games, all the players were returned to their normal lives and timelines all healed up with no memories of the events from the days before. They all went back to their normal day-to-day lives, not to be bothered anymore.

Thanks for reading! I might do a part three so keep an eye out for that!

[hananoami]

[02/26 - 03/10] SHC season notes

doing a quick run through to see how far i can prog with auto battle using the memories and protocores i currently have equipped. a clear before the timer runs out will still reward me with 20 diamonds even if i don't earn a medal from the round. i'll see what i can do to improve on since there's 13 days left in this season.

first run through: 13/36 ; 200 from diamonds from medal reward + 180 from round clear rewards + 1x energy capsule: vigorou (60 stamina). not bad at all.

[02/26] (5/12) Ngl I wish I had Fluffy Trap to use instead of me using A Day of Snow... 97 shards away from purchasing the 5-star from the wishing well exchange and the urge to pull more just to snag it before it falls out of the monthly rotation is high, but I will exercise some restraint for now. I might consider it if they introduce a new limited time banner.

[02/27] I ended up snagging Fluffy Trap from the shop. My perma banner gave me another copy of his Lightseeking Obsession, so that is now at Rank 2. I was praying to get Rafayels myth but at least it was a myth card instead of something else.

[x] shards to ascend and exp level up A Day Of Snow to Lv.50

[1] emerald shards to ascend and exp to level up Fluffy Trap to Lv.60

[02/26] (6/12) I can totes 3 medal R1, maybe R2 as well-- just need to manually fight the battle. Can probably cheese R3 into a 3 medal since clear requirement is HP based. I might be able to 1medal R4? It's not high on my priority considering resources for that will be super duper expensive. update: (9/12) LET'S FREAKIN GO! Managed to all medal R1-R3!

[4] get gold to ascend Fragmented Dreams to Lv.60 + exp.

[02/26] (2/12) My violet/pearl memories are always so behind >.< R1 I could probably 3medal. Can def earn at least 1 medal in R2 -- just need to group them together for the aoe dmg. I don't think I have enough dmg rn to clear R3 and bc of that I can't even get into R4. Will probably be throwing my resources into this. Need to cook more on that.

[2] ascend + EXP Radiant Halo to Lv.60

[2] ascend + EXP Radiant Heart to Lv.60

[x] exp Ivory Nightfall to Lv.60

*note use the double drop bonus for violet shards/gold

[03/04]Rafayel’s Deep Sea Promise came home. [03/08] As of writing this, there are 2 days and 10 hours left. I don’t think I will be progressing any further than what I currently have since I’ve been throwing all my of my resources into leveling up Rafayel’s solar myth pairs to level 70. It’s expensive stamina wise so it’ll be difficult for me to level any lunar memories.

Since my last update I managed to clear additional stages for Team A (Xavier’s Emerald/Amber) and Team C (Rafayel’s Violet/Pearl). Here’s the breakdown of my progress.

Xavier (6/12)

earned 1 medal in Round 3

Rafayel (6/12)

earned two medals in Round 2

cleared Round 3, earning 1 medal

[wizardlyghost]

something about dnd that bg3 has really managed to capture is the absolutely wild and lightning-fast shift between having a fun silly old time and slamming into defcon one because you're about to fucking die.

for instance: right before the party sequence, i decided to go for a wander and do some sidequests before continuing with the campaign, having assassinated all three of the goblin's bosses and not yet expended all of my resources. i decided to burn my last short rest and fast travel to the closest teleportation circle to my destination, which happened to be in the goblin stronghold. it did not cross my mind that the fact that i had literally just murdered all three of the goblins' bosses might have made the goblins a wee bit mad at me.

me: heehoo fun old time party tonight, just gotta run some errands first!

the entire goblin market:

me: Oh Kay! Mistakes were made, but I can still make it through this probably! I've just gotta get back to the Teleportation Circle... which can't be used in combat. Welp, fuck it, we ball! Karlach's on her last Rage, so I've gotta keep her in melee, which shouldn't be a problem. Her Berzerker ability to physically pick up and toss motherfuckers out of opportunity attack range twice on her turn has never been more useful. Sanctuary on both of the Clerics, if they go down that's all she wrote, they have way too few spell slots left so I'll have to make each one count. Thankfully I made Tav a Life Cleric, so they have their Channel Divinity in addition to spells. I had been mildly regretting my decision to multiclass Shadowheart into Oath of Ancients Paladin, but as it turns out that decision is about to save literally everyone, since she still has her own Channel Divinity, her Lay On Hands pool, and the Protection fighting style, which thank the fucking stars doesn't count as an aggressive action that would dispel her Sanctuary. Keeping her in arm's reach of my two bruisers so she can deflect a few hits. Two of the Battlemaster manoevers I gave Lae'zel are completely useless here, as I can't afford to waste actions or Superiority Dice, but the Rally bonus action is going to be absolutely clutch, especially on Karlach, who's the only other non-Sanctuaried target right now - giving her one hit point is like giving anyone else two. Her Sentinel feat is also going to be a game changer here, as it allows her to get a second hit in each round as only a fourth-level Fighter. Okay, I need to get the hell out of this corner. The only spot relatively in reach is up this wall to the left, maybe get a little bit of cover-

[kyndaris]

Mother Knows Best

For someone that plays video games as much as I do, you begin to pick up on a lot of common themes and tropes that are often used in the medium. What took me by surprise was facing Lilith in not one but two games in such quick succession. It's not often that I face the exact same antagonist. After all, both were demonic entities seeking the destruction of the world. Both were referred to as 'Mother' throughout the in-game dialogue and banter. And both had a connection to the playable character.

But while Lilith in Diablo IV gave birth to the Nephalem, the progenitor to humanity in the world of Sanctuary, she could only connect to the playable character due to a ritual involving her blood petals. Lilith in Marvel's Midnight Suns has a much more direct connection to the playable character, known only as The Hunter, as their birth mother. The other major difference here is that in Diablo IV, Lilith is trying to rule over Sanctuary while in Midnight Suns, Lilith serves as the agent of Chthon, a slumbering Elder God hoping to destroy the Earth and recreate it in its image.

Coincidences aside, Marvel's Midnight Suns was a game that I picked up in December last year and was one of the many tactical role-playing games I'd intended to get through before reaching the meat of the 2023 gaming experience. Alas, travelling and being bombarded left, right and centre with lengthy games distracted me from it until about 8 months later.

And when I finally booted up the game on my PlayStation 5, I found myself asking why I was indulging Firaxis's attempt to recreate what they had with XCOM but with a Marvel skin. What immediately struck me were the character models that I felt were less than stellar. Nor was I that impressed by the voice acting.

True, it was not like the game studio were going to bring back the actors of the MCU films to reprise their roles for the superheroes (or use their likeness), but I wanted something more than the somewhat janky character models that we received. In fact, I almost put down the controller, unsure if I wanted to continue with the game.

But persevere I did.

With time, I grew accustomed to the character models and the voice acting. After all, the cast is pretty stack with the likes of Yuri Lowenthal (reprising his role as Spider-Man from the Marvel's Spider-Man games), Erica Lindbeck, Courtney Taylor, Josh Keaton, Laura Bailey, Steve Blum, Darin de Paul and Matthew Mercer to name but a few.

Once I managed to get over that initial hump in the road, I started to enjoy the time I spent hanging out with a few of Earth's Mightiest Heroes and their more supernatural compatriots, the Midnight Suns.

Like many Firaxis games, Midnight Suns is a tactical/ strategy game. One that would have been better, in my personal opinion, as a handheld game. However, given that the playable characters are heroes with a multitude of abilities, Firaxis mixed up the traditional tactical/ strategy gameplay with the use of cards to denote special abilities and skills.

Gone were percentages detailing whether or not my character would hit the enemy. Gone, too, were Overwatch abilities that would allow my characters to attack an enemy as they dashed across the screen. Instead, Firaxis introduced a card deck system which was drawn up to a maximum of six at the end of each turn. Cards could comprise of attack, skill or heroic abilities. Many of them also included a variety of status effects to buff or debuff both allies or enemies, bringing with it another layer of strategy as most of these ended within a round of combat.

But the most important ones were those that refunded cardplay like the 'Quick' effect. Other cards allowed you to draw additional cards and these were important especially if you didn't have a good hand. Redraw too, was a resource that could be expended to power up abilities or to replace unwanted cards.

While it sounds complicated in theory, the gameplay of Midnight Suns was simple. You played three cards each turn (occasionally four) and tried to defeat the enemy as quickly as possible.

What was important to note was that while you were limited in the number of cards that could be played each round, your heroes could also deal damage via the environment. Unfortunately, to perhaps balance the use of environmental attacks, such actions were gated behind another resource: heroism (which were also used for heroic cards).

This meant that players had to carefully consider which cards to use when and where to maximise the damage on enemy Hydra agents and Lilin creatures and reach objectives for each mission.

Firaxis, though, are not content to simply sit on their strategy/tactical gameplay. Like many of their other games, Midnight Suns also included base management. Simpler than their incursions into the XCOM universe, Midnight Suns allowed players to research particular upgrades that could give their heroes an edge for their next battle against the forces of evil.

More importantly, though, Midnight Suns also allowed for team bonding. And as someone that wants to be friends with everyone, I spent many hours trying to boost my friendship levels with each and every hero that was recruited to the cause of stopping the rise of Chthon by giving them gifts or hanging out with them in an activity that they liked.

Heck, I was even looking up a Steam guide to know which dialogue options that each character preferred.

What was most unfortunate, though, was that there was no way to romance any of the superheroes. Why did Blade and Carol Danvers have to get together when I wanted both of them to myself as The Hunter?

Admittedly, I did think the romance between Caretaker and Agatha Harkness was great. The Hunter and their two mums. Who could ask for more except for some more lesbian representation in media please. True, some might argue that it did have a 'bury your gays' trope since Agatha is dead, but she comes back as a ghost and seems to be fine chilling around in the library. Something that Caretaker doesn't really take issue with after the Grey Seneschal ritual that binds Agatha a bit more to the land of the living (though still in spirit form).

Beyond that, I liked being able to explore the Abbey grounds and uncovering the secrets of the past, along with discovering new chests that could present me with another cosmetic for either The Hunter or the other heroes in my roster.

Still, what didn't make sense was that although the Abbey had a Forge and CENTRAL ops, a training yard and pool to lounge by, it had no kitchen or bathrooms. Given that Robbie Reyes had installed a TV to watch movies and play video games on, WHY WERE BASIC AMENITIES MISSING?

The fact that there was no kitchen also made it confusing when an upgrade to The Hunter's bedroom left a plate of bread and fruit on their bedside table.

Why? What? How?

From a plot standpoint, I felt like much of the conflict came from poor communication skills between Hunter, Sara (Caretaker) and your mother, Lilith. If Lilith could have explained her plan better, maybe she and the Hunter would have stood beside each other from the start instead of fighting against each other.

Caretaker, too, needed to learn to trust the wards under her charge instead of holding grudges.

But without these factors, of course, there would be no central conflict. Which, in turn, wouldn't have brought all of America's Mightiest Heroes (with the occasional Transian witch and Russian mutant) along for the journey. It wouldn't have allowed me to simply chat with these characters and watch them grow. Nor would it present me with an intriguing plot to drive me ever onwards to the end.

And that's another thing that I take issue with. The fact that a majority of Marvel's heroes are Caucasian. True, we have Robbie Reyes's Ghostrider, Eric Brooks and Nico Minoru showing off minority representation but almost all of the other heroes are blue-eyed Caucasians!

And they're all American. Or, at the very least, live in America. With most of the missions revolving around New York and the American South-West with only the final act in the fictional European country of Transia.

Now, this isn't an issue with the game, of course, but rather the state of affairs when it comes to superheroes in general. Yes, I know that there are heroes and villains from all over the world but the vast majority of them are Americans. Which, in all honesty, is likely to stem from the fact that a vast majority of comic book writers are American. And consequently, they write from an America-centric viewpoint.

But I've noticed that in many of the games I play, America also serves as the be-all and end-all for settings as well. Take Horizon: Zero Dawn and its sequel Horizon: Forbidden West. Or even The Last of Us, Grand Theft Auto, Fallout, Days Gone, Saints Row and a myriad of other games.

In any case, Marvel's Might Suns was an interesting take on a mishmash of genres that worked well with its superhero aesthetic. While I feel like it might have been better if they could increase the cardplay usage or the damage the heroes dealt for certain (we are talking about superheroes here, not foot soldiers), I enjoyed trying to figure out how best to place my heroes to deal with the enemies before me so I could put an end to Lilith's plans.

Soon, I'll tackle Fire Emblem: Engage. I promise. Just a few short games and it's the long haul for me.

I swear it won't be for too much longer!

And then I can tackle all the other triple-A video games that released in 2023...

[whitherwordswither]

Logs from the Starfields, III

Captain's Log #0.03:

After some heavy trading in New Atlantis, I picked up a contract from GalBank to get some con-man who defaulted in his loan to pay up. This had me heading out to Tau Ceti.

Of course, I can't just go somewhere with something else cropping up to distract me, now can I? As soon as I hit the system I picked up a distress signal. A local settler was having spacer trouble. So, naturally, I went to go see if I could help. Any day I can unload a few rounds in to a hostile spacer trash is a good day, I say.

Turns out him and three other families in the system are having a bad time of it. And on top of that they've been feuding with each other, or as it turns out, the guy who sent the signal for help had initially been kind of a colossal asshat to the others. But at least he's level headed enough now to admit his mistakes and wants everyone to legitimately survive. So not only do I have to get these grump dirtworkers to vibe together again, I got to deal with mucho spacer trash.

I set off to repair three satellites to restore communication lines between the families. Sadly, it looks like one family was already removed from the galactic equation. Each stop I made I blew some spacers out of the cosmic skies. Good riddance. The repair jobs weren't too difficult. I don't know why the spacers didn't just blow the transmitters up entirely. But I guess maybe they were gonna move in after their prey was hung up to dry? I don't know. Ain't no point in thinkin' too hard about it.

After getting all three family heads to meet up and cooperate, we made a joint run against two groups of spacer ships then almost immediately went all in for the kill and took out their base of operations aboard a derelict station. Another ton of haul this go. And the extra creds from the settlers was a nice boost.

Luckily, my initial contract is nearby in the system so I make a stop there to negotiate before heading back to New Atlantis. The target had himself holed up in a sparsely populated military outpost near a mostly abandoned mining facility of some sort. Not a whole lot of resources of note on the planet either. I manage to scan everything of worth on a short trek around the zone. Lady Luck must be on my side today. I was able to avoid a painful confrontation with the target and get him to pay what he owed without incident. Sometimes I'm amazing at my own talkin' skills. I'm glad he wasn't dumb about it. I hate to shoot someone, even if they give me a reason 'cause they got their head too far up their own ass.

As I'm leaving the planet I run in to some old friends of mine, coming to collect the bounty on my head. Jokes on them though, 'cause I've had enough excitement for one day. I ignore their comm hail and charge up my grav drive. While they're scrambling to get a target lock I'm skipping out of the system and back toward New Atlantis.

Sorry, boys. I got more creds to acquire and I don't feel like playing with ya'll right now.

Once I'm touched down at the Atlantis port I jog over and give the GalBank man his credits and get a nice little sum for myself. I might come back and take another job. Not that I enjoy helping the big bank corps or anything, but. My ship ain't gonna last forever and I'm gonna need every spare cred I can get to afford a new one. 'Cause god damn is they expensive.

I dump my haul at the local Trade Authority down in The Well, then head back topside. I run in to the scientist I helped the other day, who wouldn't you know, could use a bit more help! Heck, why not friend. I'm right here after all. And all he needs me to do is talk to an associate and get some data. Now, this associate don't like him much for whatever reason. Ain't any of my business. And as I'm talkin' to his associate friend… gosh dang. I'd really just like to punch him in the face. I almost had to to get that data. To think… he wanted me to break in to the apartment of his MAST supervisor and falsify his records so he could get a promotion. Boy. You just told me you got terrible performance reviews and you want me to make you look like a golden shiny apple? I don't think so. I had to a get a little grumpy with him, but I got the data. From the sounds of it, my scientist friend is on to something and may need my assistance again in a few days. I look forward to it! (Apparently something downright awkward is going on with this certain species of trees in New Atlantis and it could spell trouble for lotsa folks if something ain't done about it. So, of course, I'll help where I can.)

Now… I been doin' a lot of work around the New Atlantis area. I'm thinkin' I'm gonna head out and check out one of the other main hubs. See what else is out there. Atlantis is a nice enough place but. It may just be a little posh for my blood. And I'd like to, y'know, get my own place. Never owned a spot outright before and… I'm thinkin' maybe for once… I'd like to.

I'll catch ya up later.

End log.

[nossumusmanus]

so the wiki states that "Quintus was severely injured, losing his ability to wield his weapon" after fleeing from the capital to the train station. what kind of injuries do you think he had? how were the Ist legion able to handle his wounds with such limited resources? (do you think, had he known of alphinaud and co's ability to heal - or even their medical supplies they brought to broken glass - that it would have swayed his decisions at all? he couldn't have been the only one wounded.)

OKAY SO STRAP YOURSELF IN FOR A LONG RIDE HERE. As you know, my Quintus's primary weapon is a greatsword. Don't get me wrong, he's skilled with a myriad of weapons, but the greatsword along with guns are the ones he is by and far the most proficient with, though he ordinarily reserves his revolver for a last resort.

My headcanon is that he was injured while trying to keep the Tempered, and Vergilia in particular, occupied so that his remaining troops could escape the city with what civilians they had managed to save.

Vergilia basically uses Menenius from Bozja's moveset from his duel, with a few missing skills(thankfully including the fucking landmines); likewise, her gunlance is the same model that Menenius's was. Even in her Tempered state, she still utilized her full arsenal and tricks, including things like the various types of ammunition.

Now, don't get me wrong, I also headcanon that Quintus was able to go toe to toe against Vergilia, because I like to believe that the two were both pretty evenly matched. But Vergilia was Tempered, which means she had no inhibitors to limit her. No emotions like fear, nothing to make her hesitate, no pain threshold to make her stop. That's the crucial difference between her and Quintus. No matter how hard he fought, he wouldn't win, because she would wear him down over time.

So to answer your question -- given the fact that Vergilia uses a gunlance, and retains her tactical prowess even while Tempered(if the instanced battle with her is any indication), I just headcanon that she managed to stagger him with a well-timed explosive ammo round, slashed at his legs with Giga Tempest more than likely to incapacitate him, then gave him another good slashing and impalement in the abdominal region. He would have died from his wounds if a group of his men hadn't gone back to try and help him, and thus rushed him to the safety of the train station where everyone else was gathered.

Why did Vergilia not finish him off? Because he was already as good as dead. She'd done her job of eliminating the threat to Anima's orders, there was no further point in toying with Quintus.

All of that being said, my Quintus suffers injuries to at least one of his legs, but the primary and most grievous wounds are the ones on his abdomen. Those ones specifically are why he isn't able to wield his greatsword anymore; greatswords are heavier and require at least a fair bit of core body strength to swing around, not to mention the amount of stamina and endurance needed to use them effectively, which Quintus now lacks because of those injuries in particular. His leg wounds are the icing on the, forgive my bluntness, shit cake of the situation.

The Ist Legion did what they could for him, but given that they had very limited medical equipment to work with at that moment, the primary concern would be to disinfect the wounds and dress them so that he wouldn't die of infection. (I headcanon that they probably had to rely on things like alcoholic drinks as their primary source of defense against this.) Sutures would have to be rationed between all of the wounded as well, which means that even someone like Quintus would only be able to receive the bare minimum surgically to ensure his survival. Which is fine -- he himself would want it that way, preferring that even those supplies used to stabilize him go to helping someone else instead, though that desire or command was not heeded.

The short of it is, he'd need to be exceedingly careful, because his injuries could and would very easily reopen. So even if his abdominal muscles weren't damaged or destroyed, he still wouldn't be able to wield his greatsword, given that he no longer has the stamina or endurance to keep up with swinging it effectively, and doing so would cause him immense pain and reopen his wounds.

He definitely wasn't the only one who was wounded, on top of those who were falling ill from the stress of the situation combined with the harsh cold from lack of proper heat. However, I don't think his opinion would have changed had he known about the twins' healing magicks, no. Even while injured, he's still incredibly prideful and mistrusting of both outsiders and magick, not to mention the glaring issues of his insistence over not putting themselves in a situation where they'll owe outsiders for their assistance and his negative beliefs towards magick. These stubborn stances along with his immense pride on the matters make him short-sighted to the suffering of the very same people he ordinarily would be so caring towards -- and so he would prioritize self-sufficiency and their survival when it comes to matters of dealing with the sick and wounded, as well as taking back the capital. (It also leads him to choosing to prioritize taking back the capital over taking care of his charges, but that's another story for another time.)

He would, ordinarily, rather die than accept outside help, and doubly so when it comes to being healed with magick.

[lilyblackdrawside]

I really like timeout spellcards. They're often some of the hardest parts of any given fight simply because you're forced to endure. My big example of this is Shinmyoumaru. Overall not the hardest final boss. Her Shining Needle Sword is a bit of a handful, but other than that it's all very managable. And then there's the timeout spell where she fucks with your hitbox. To be fair, it'd be difficult if it was set up as a regular spellcard too, because you're thrown into such cold water. Your hitbox is an eternal constant and now it's changed. I have a firm feeling for it and even if its relative size is still the same, it still messes with me really badly.

Any normal spellcard is unlikely to take more than thirty seconds if you're not driven to the sidelines and unable to deal damage. It might feel longer, but it's usually a brief affair. But it's not just that you can't simply burst timeout spellcards down by dealing damage. It's also not just having to hold out for such an unusually long time, it's that they're usually designed in a way that regular spellcards aren't. Since you're not able to attack the boss anyway (short of very few exceptions (I can name two)), it doesn't have to be laid out in a way to allow you to line yourself up with the target. The boss will often be positioned in the center of the screen instead of at the top, move all over the place or just be gone entirely and you're then forced to also move all over the place. Stream targeted stuff all around the area, handle projectiles from every direction and such. Attacks that come from above or diagonally above are the easiest to dodge. It's the most common angle of attack and you're the most used to it. As soon as bullets come from behind or even from the sides, it shakes me up. It's unfamiliar. But that's what's so good about them. In being allowed to chase you across the entire playing field, timeout spells can have a lot more different patterns. Often very thematic ones too.

Just think of Koishi's Youkai Lie Detector, where she scans a line around the screen that generates bullets relative to your position and to pass through it you have to make sudden, jerking motions to create a gap. You have to trip up the lie detector.

Or Nue's Nightmare of Heiankyou. The way she traps you in a grid and then chases you around with a big laser slug is really nice. It's also terrifying, because you're on her second to last spellcard and UFO isn't one of the games that has Spellcard practice (it only came back with Ten Desires after its one-time appearance in Imperishable Night) and this innately high tension rounds it out quite nicely.

The way you're surprised with the Saigyou Ayakashi Reflowering timeout was great after fighting Yuyuko, who already has more spellcards than the average final boss. Mountain of Faith has one as early as Stage 4, on Aya, who steadily ramps up the pressure and forces you to the bottom of the screen, which is always scary.

The way timeout spells gradually up the pressure over time is also something that's usually limited to Stage 6 or Ex Boss final spellcards, which up the challenge at specific health thresholds and it's really nice. They start out pretty manageable. You get a feel for what it's going for and then it gets harder. More density, extra layers, already used aspects combined but as the timer ticks down you also see the spell circle shrink. It's a much more easy to see timer than the actual timer in the corner of the screen and it always gets so tense when the spell is about to expire and you're at the height of focus, especially if you managed to not make a mistake yet and then it ends and you breathe a sigh of relief. This is especially potent when the timeout spell is the final one like with Reflowering or Danmaku Bounded Field.

Of course there can also be a lot of bad feelings with these. If you just don't vibe with a timeout spell, it's bound to seriously drain your resources or be a total roadblock for you. If it goes on for a minute, you're going to have to sink an unreasonable amount of bombs and/or extends into it and I think that might be a reason why there haven't been any timeouts outside of Extra Stages in recent games. It's understandable, but I think having some on earlier bosses could be nice. That way they wouldn't have to be too taxing or last too long but we'd still get them. Aya's Illusionary Dominance is pretty threatening, but even if you're not that good at handling it, as "just" a Stage 4 spellcard, it's not the worst.

Timeout spells can show their user's personality and style in a way that regular ones can't and I'd like it if there were more of them sprinkled here and there again. Could even do what IN does and have them as stakeless attacks after the fight is over that are unlocked by fulfilling certain conditions. If it's like that it lacks the tension that I like so much in them, but there won't be any bad feelings.

[writingintheocean]

How many email accounts do you have? Not the accounts your work or school forces onto you, real accounts that you made on purpose, with intention, to be used. Most people say one--One account for professional and personal correspondence and a well-honed junkmail filter. Or maybe two, a real one for all the important things like contacting your congressman or sending Christmas pics to family and a second one for online giveaways you don't actually think you'll win, but it couldn't hurt to enter. A normal amount of emails.

I have 6.

I was raised by paranoiacs, concerned with Trojan horses and stranger danger. This feels normal to me. This IS normal to me. The idea of "cultivating an online persona" is a red flag with its own soundtrack, pealing alarms that would send a sailor into overdrive. How many horror story firings have to stem from cursing in a tweet, being 'too sexy' on Instagram, supporting the 'wrong group' in a post before setting all of your accounts to private and unsearchable and locked down?

Searching for [NAME REDACTED] will only net you fistfuls of community news articles about plays I've directed. This tells you I have a dedicated hobby. Will this be a boon of loyalty or a vice of distraction? Am I a freelance project manager or a liberal-leaning liability? Every company's HR department is a black box and I never know which wire to cut to prevent my own demise. Does anything mean anything? Is what I do real? Am I a person or an investment or a resource?

I hope my shielded life says I prefer privacy; I hope it says I would rather gamble than commit fraud. Or maybe it says I'm not willing to smile and wave and step in line, that I'm of unknown quantity and quality and not willing to play the game. 

I could finish the personal website that's been languishing for a year, the one that aggregates my theatrical accomplishments. But that means showing REAL employers that my interests don't lie at their bottom line. I could join LinkedIn, create a beautiful profile outlining scattershot jobs that I can't seem to keep for more than a year, and have them thinking I'm not worth the time to train. Or maybe I can be loud and proud about my successful union organization efforts, the ones that got me fired from my last job, and never work again.

Aren't you tired of playing pretend? I direct people on how to move, to speak, to portray false scenarios and trigger specific emotions. I know how the game works. Send a thank-you note to show that you were 'paying attention' in your interview, or to show that you're desperate. Fill your resume with enough buzzwords to trick the computer scanners into approving you, but not so many it annoys the human who eventually gets to look at it. Emphasize your volunteer hours because it means you're well-rounded and charitable, or sweep them under the rug because activities outside of work mean you're unfocused and wishy-washy and not committed to 60 hours per week, overtime exempt. Step on landmines until you get lucky.

I'm supposed to be playing the game, and it's humiliating to roll the dice. 

I don't think this says anything good about me, potential employee.

[daniellew150]

Things of 2023, Part 1, Books.

I enjoyed sharing this last year, so trying to make it a tradition. Managed a few more books this year, and there are some I bought but didn’t have time to read, so I guess they will make it into next year’s list. 

So let’s get into it. 

Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman: Good Omens.

Not a new one, but quite possibly one of my favourite books of all time, I think this is the third copy I’ve owned over the years. It’s fun, dark, and the characterisation is just wonderful. I always enjoyed Newt’s journey of trying to find who he really is, but I think that is probably true of all the major characters.

The adaptation on Amazon was brilliant, and season 2 has set up the finale nicely, really looking forward to finding out what Terry and Neil came up with.

Ben Aaronovitch: Rivers of London and Moon Over Soho.

Rivers of London was a recommendation from a work friend, was a great call, part supernatural thriller, part police procedural. It’s got plenty of laughs, some proper scares. The main characters are superbly rounded and made me want to read the rest of the series. Managed book two, Moon Over Soho, and it follows on brilliantly. It has plenty of ongoing themes, but with a great new mystery (or two) to deal with. Will definitely be looking at the rest of the series (I think I have another 8 books to go!). 

Hiron Ennes: Leech

Wasn’t sure if I should include this one as I haven’t finished it yet, but decided I would definitely have finished it by new year, so counts towards 2023. Very creepy and dark, with a bit of body horror but a really intriguing plot. Can’t wait to find out what happens.

Erin Morgenstern: The Night Circus.

This one didn’t make it into the picture as I’ve lent the book to someone. This was another recommendation and was mind blowing. A centuries long magical battle, which is also a love story. Not just between the protagonists, but people who they meet along the way. The description of the circus is so vivid that it really comes to life. If I get my copy back, this is one I will definitely read again and again.

Neil Gaiman: Sandman (book 1).

I’d obviously heard about this for years, and really enjoyed the Netflix series last year, so decided I should go look at the source material. Definitely worth it. Great stories and wonderful illustration. Another one where I will have to get the rest of the series at some point. 

Robin Ince: Bibliomaniac.

I’ve read a few of Robin’s books now, and I love the narrative style. This one is a tour of Britain’s bookshops (the book tour for The Importance of Being Interested that I read last year). Couple of bits that really made me chuckle, one about my home town, quoting another author as “a dull spot which even drink can’t enliven much” . Another was Shakespeare themed pun shop names (a chiropodist called Two Gentlemen of Verruca for example). 

Matt Parker: Humble Pi. 

Another one that didn’t make the photo, I was lent this one, and have now returned it. This is right up my street, stories of maths and engineering and how they can cause problems if not used properly. Feels like a book version of the Well There’s Your Problem podcast. 

Cariad Lloyd: You are not alone.

Feels reductive to call this a spin off from Cariad’s podcast, but that is definitely the starting point. A fantastic book on grief and grieving, interwoven with Cariad’s own story of her father’s death when she was a teenager. I found it so useful to process some of my own emotions around death of family members, but also other forms of grief (loss of relationships). This is an amazing resource, and remember the five steps of grief were never meant for the way they are used today.

Mattie Lubchansky: Boys Weekend.

I came across Mattie as a guest on various podcasts, and their cartoons on The Nib, so when Boys Weekend came out I ordered it immediately. A great graphic novel about navigating old friendships as a trans person, but also giving capitalism an absolute kicking. Loved it, and recently heard there will be a sequel in 2025.. stay tuned.

Julie McDowell: Attack Warning Red!

Another book from one of my favourite podcasts (Atomic Hobo). An amazingly well researched book on Civil Defence in Britain as it came out of the Second World War, and into the potential atomic horrors of the Cold War. A wonderful mix of whimsy and terrifying details. 

Jake & Hannah Graf: Becoming Us. 

I’ve read quite a few biographies of Trans people at this point, but this is two stories in one, with a proper happy ending. Reading two very different lives, but both with a common thread. A chance encounter leading to a wonderful family. It really is a book about hope. 

Munroe Bergdorf: Transitional.

Another Trans life story, but with a really interesting twist, how life is change, and everything is a transitional state in many ways. Wonderfully written with again a huge amount of joy. So many of these books have changed the way I view myself and how I approach the world, this is another one that has moved my mindset again. 

Garbage: This is the noise that keeps me awake.

A proper coffee table book. A lovely object, that charts the history of one of my favourite bands. Garbage mean a lot to me, they are one of the groups that helped me realise I could be myself. I love the inclusion of the band cocktail recipes. 

James Hetfield: Messengers, The Guitars of James Hetfield.

As a Metallica fan, and a guitarist this is a fantastic book. Some band history, some truly fantastic photography and just some wonderful guitars. Will always love the ESP V with the Hot Rod flames, but seeing an authentic 1958 Gibson Explorer is brilliant. 

[kafkaoftherubble]

哇啊啊啊干你娘干我娘干姐妹兄弟的娘，我终于干完这个星期的稿了, 他妈的复活了! 手要残了，屁股要变方形了

I finally finished this week's quota! On a fucking weekend! God fucking damn it I hate working on weekends!

I was so worried that I wouldn't have time tonight to watch my Jujutsu Kaisen! And then maybe I can finish the last two episodes of Pluto? Nah. You're right. We can only handle one episode in a day. And we're near the end, too, so I bet there's gonna be a lot of heart-wringing for you, and way too much information and tangential thoughts for me.

Oh! I can finally reply to some of the messages on Discord (or Discordo..? I don't know. That start-up sound in my sister's laptop for Discord sings it like that). I know I'll talk whole fucking paragraphs again because I can't help it whenever I'm chatting with people, and I have only a few minutes left before I have to do The Chores. And also my eyes hurt. And also my hands hurt. I should find some other time.

Bummer that I lost my diary time to this weekend grind, though. I also lost my study hours, too. It's my fault. I'm just always so slow. Slow in understanding; slow in writing; slow in thinking. Lyi was right; the real reason why I have way fewer books than everyone expected is because I take such a long time to finish one book. Because I don't just read them, I also always make notes. I just have to remember shits, or I can't even say I learned anything at all. Oh, it reminds me of that Junji Ito story! The one about a guy who memorizes every book in his library because he thinks it's the only way to keep them from disappearing to a strange lady. He went pretty mad from it, and his girlfriend kept trying to stop him. But he couldn't! He was compelled to! That story was so hard to swallow! I wonder if Junji Ito realized he had written the perfect allegory to...

Yes! Because I lost my diary time, I'll write here!

I'm glad our Sunday plan for Dollmaking remains because I finished work today. It has been so long! My incomplete Fushi doll has basically started to look un-pristine now, being a felt doll. All that friction causes spotty lint-thingy on their face. I still adore them, but I felt bad that the only time they looked really nice was when their skin had just been done and they were naked. If I were to show pictures of them, I would have to show some of those naked pictures.

Until now, Fushi hasn't gotten his inner shirt right right yet. I've made two by this point, and he's wearing the second trial, but it looks so bad. I have to do it again.

This is so like us, isn't it? Because we like things we aren't actually talented or good at, we keep wasting resources on prototypes. And then because we suck at understanding YouTube videos, or a teacher, or a book, yaddi-yadda, we have to experiment shits and waste even more resources.

I don't even know how to use a sewing machine! Remember that time one of our past selves accidentally made the one at Levi's come up with this burning smell? That was just a practice round! And then Veronica immediately ordered that I shall never perform alterations on any jeans. Hahaha, less work for me! Less responsibility!

Anyway, the original plan the Lyndis of last year had was to finish the doll before That December Convention—ya know the one—so we can bring Fushi along. But I don't know... It's mid-November now and I'm gonna have to remake his inner shirt for the third time. How the hell am I supposed to do the shoes, the parka, the gloves on time... when all of those will definitely need trial-and-error again?

Gah. It's frustrating being slow and talentless.

I know, I know. We came from a long line of talentless Lyndises. Still manage to be useful enough for people despite that; being slow and talentless is not that big of a deal. Could have saved a lot of time and resources though.

But again, in the end, the Fushi doll is for us. And we're definitely talented at excusing our work as "a representation of wabi-sabi" whenever it falls under everyone's expectations!

I still have minutes or so to rest before I do The Chores. But here lies the quandary—what good can minutes do? What is the perfect thing to do in minutes? Getting straight into The Chores is taxing, ya know? It recharges the mind, sure, but it tires the body. The Chores lasts for hours. 3 hours 30 minutes at least. That's longer than... uh... the time it takes for 3pm to become 6pm. That's late afternoon transitioning into the evening. That's long!

I can't take a nap. I'm not sleepy. And a nap risks making you feel too lazy to get up, and then I'll do The Chores too late, and then I'll finish late, and then I'll have dinner late, and then I'll bathe late, and then how am I supposed to watch both JJK and Pluto at night and sleep before 12am?

Oh no. Fionn, I know what you're suggesting, but really?! You know it will take at least 20 minutes! I mean, sure, it relaxes both the brain and the body, but for me, it's 20 minutes at least! Really, I don't know how some people can just do meditation for a measly 5 to 10 minutes. Just the first part of Anapannasatti alone takes 5 minutes for me, if I'm concentrating well that is. And it's just watching my breaths! It's the Tutorial level! It's also both tough and genuinely so booooooring. Until the dreams and the thoughts start to arise, and it becomes training. A boring training.

But if I go over 25 minutes it becomes disproportionately harder to concentrate. The dreams and thoughts become more and more vivid. Optic neurons begin to try bombard themselves with self-made stimuli to prevent other neurons from trying to poach them into their domain, like listening and feeling. I tried opening my eyes and lowering them instead of closing, but that ended up making my brian and I mistake that we're trying to go to sleep.

I high-key think the whole "Maya, King of Illusions, trying to distract the Buddha from Nibbanna" part of the legend is just someone being overdramatic with the way his brain was distracted by his own thoughts and daydreams and stuff when he was trying to focus on his quest for liberation. Heh!

I don't know how some people can meditate for 1 hour or 2 or 3 hours. Why the length? What's there to be occupied about that you can sit there long enough that it's comparable to me doing The Chores?

I should ask you, Fionn! It's much easier for you to go for long sessions because you're not the one who's in charge of the body and the brain. Not like me. And yet you get distracted, too. Differently than I do, but you do. And you feel pain.

Oh no! The minutes are up! I have to do The Chores now! Hahahhah what was the debate even for? In the end, time left me anyway. Time is so impermanent and here I was, fooling myself into thinking it is permanent as I wonder what to do next.

For the Lyndises so ahead in the future they have forgotten, The Chores is the chores done every Saturday late afternoon to evening! Remember? Vacuum the whole house? Mop the whole house? Dust some of the places? And if no one's helping, wash the bathrooms? That's why our room is always kept tidy. Because it saves a lot of time when I have to do The Chores!