#i mean what if taylor actually made me have a reason to try harder

[trafficpan-ic]

Taylor Allison Swift said i could not.

She was right. She was so damn right.

[tonight-i-may-see]

Illicit Affairs (Aaron Hotchner x GN!Reader)

[note: MORE ANGST UPON YE. also can u tell im on a tswift kick?]

cw: angst with a happy(?) ending, gn!reader, reader's gender isn't specified.

word count: 1k

Inspo: Illicit affairs - taylor swift & peace - taylor swift

“I have to go.” 

It was like clockwork. You'd meet, spend a few hours together, then he'd go and the next morning you'd have to look him in the eye at work like this wasn't breaking your heart.

This time, you decided to push things.

“Why? Who's waiting?” You ask, obviously pointing out the fact he wasn't married anymore and hadn't been for quite some time. The divorce had happened months before the first time the two of you did this routine, so why exactly was it he had to leave so soon?

He’s silent for a moment, then deeply exhales. “No one. But I don't have my go-bag if we get called.” 

A spark of irritation fizzles through you, so you push harder. “What, you can't go get it on the way?”. It's clear by his face he doesn't want to have this talk, and another sigh rolls out of his nose. It was typical really, he only ever wanted to have the good stuff with you, no discussions that might require actual use of his brain cells. To him, you were supposed to be easy, just a way to relax after work that he didn't have to stress over.

Of course, he was more than aware of how unfair that was- you were a human being with very real feelings, reciprocated ones, even. But after Haley he just wasn't ready to focus on anything but Jack and work…which was made difficult by the fact you were work. You were there every day, giving him that hurt puppy dog look that broke his heart a little every time he saw it. Those eyes only made him push you further away, though, so you'd resigned to only allowing them when you thought he wasn't looking (He could never take his eyes off you, though you had no idea that was the case.).

“Can we not do this tonight?” Aaron asks, and you’re startled by the weakness in his voice, by the tightness that was building to a crack. Looking up at him, you can see his eyes glisten in the lamp light, an even more startling reaction to your nagging questions.

“Are you-...are you crying?” You ask in a whisper, worry knitting your brow and bringing a frown to your lips. “Aaron, hey-” 

He tries to shy away, but you don’t let him for once. You pull him close and wipe his cheeks, still concerned about how out of nowhere this reaction is from him. “I just want you to stay, what’s going on?” 

It’s silent for a long while, you assume he’s collecting his thoughts and calming down, so you just keep one hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm to ground him. Five minutes pass before he can look you in the eye, and when he does your heart shatters. The tears just won’t stop. As he falls into your arms, you rub his back and try to push through the confusion at how fast things changed emotionally. “What is it, Aaron…? Honey?” You ask softly, moving so he can sit next to you on the bed.

“I wanna stay-” It’s a little difficult to make out with the tears and the fact he has his face pressed against your shoulder, but you hear it. “I wanna stay,” He repeats “But that makes it real.” 

Time slows, and the cogs start to turn in your head. Losing Haley twice over must’ve been the worst heartbreak he’d ever experienced, and she wasn’t in the field. You are. Sure, that means you’ve got each other’s backs, but it also meant your lives were on the line daily. Sure enough, he finishes your train of thought for you.

“I can’t lose you.” 

You don’t even try to say he won’t, because you know he might. Every time you step out of the bullpen and into the field there’s a target on your back, and you’d be a fool if you tried to ignore that. But was that really a reason to break each other's hearts?

“You might.” You say stiffly, running your fingers through the longest parts of his hair. “But if you keep this up, you’ll lose me too.”

It was something you wanted to let hang, so you did. One hand still running through his hair as you watched him process it…he was tired, you both were, the case you were on right now was one of the worst and was only devolving more. What would usually have been an irritating question with snide comments had become the final straw. Unwittingly, you’d broken him. Eventually, he looked up at you from where he was leaning, and your heart broke. He didn’t have to speak for you to know how he felt. 

“I know…I know it’s scary. I’m terrified.” His bottom lip trembles slightly, and you think about how you’d fight people tooth and nail to never have to see him so upset again, about how it gripped at your chest and stung your eyes every time you took in a breath. “But we can be scared together.”

There was no way to fix this, not alone, but therapy wasn’t something to bring up right now. Right now, the man in your arms clearly needed comfort and support, and that’s what you gave him. Hours pass with him half-cradled in your arms like a child, and eventually you wake up next to him, the pink light of a sunrise flushing his cheeks just like his own heartbreak had the night before. It was odd, seeing a man you knew to be so strong completely relying on you for stability, but at the same time it felt right. If Aaron needed a rock, that’s exactly what you’d be, there was no question he’d do the same for you in a heartbeat. This wasn’t going to be easy, you’d have a lot of explaining to do to the team and your families, but you’d do it together.

Afraid, but in love without denial.

[lakesbian]

twig faq to answer all of the asks i got regarding my liveblog

Q: holy shit twig turned out bad huh A: yeah

Q: should i read twig? A: no. it's bad

Q: what about the parts of twig that were good though? i noticed that there were parts of twig that seemed awesome before everything suddenly exploded A: okay let me elaborate. the first ~13 arcs of twig are really really endearing when they're focusing on the lambs. when they're being about the lambs, they range anywhere from "cute" to "extremely fun" to "genuinely super compelling" to "shit that made me cry (positive)." we have high points such as:

12yo sylvester lambsbridge fumbles 3 people with crushes on him harder than anyone's ever fumbled in their life in the span of like 7 hours maximum

sylvester lambsbridge does transhet biopunk brokeback mountain

wildbow writes rose thorburn but if she were a hardass trans girl (she's the one doing transhet biopunk brokeback mountain with sy)

gordon dies and lillian copes by taking some of sy's drug that gives him turbo-adhd

helen is there

sylvester lambsbridge experiences what i earnestly believe to be one of the cruelest things wildbow has ever done to any of his protagonists

lots of other stuff, i'm abbreviating here

but the reason i say the first ~13 arcs of twig are good when they're focusing on the lambs is that twig is prone to slogging, strikingly mediocre fight scenes--sy can't fight for Shit, but wildbow still insists on describing, like, sylvester trying & failing to hit someone with a wooden plank with the same gratuitous, lengthy detail as taylor inventing a spider-based saw trap for someone. and unlike the spider-based saw trap, it's not interesting to read about. the arcs take an episodic format, and what this means is that virtually every arc goes on way too long, contains at minimum 40% more tediously detailed fight scenes than are actually necessary, and then leaves you feeling jarred when wildbow inevitably timeskips to the next arc just as the prior one was really getting into the emotional swing of things. i also have a (quite possibly subjective?) sense that twig wasn't as well-developed and thought-out as, e.g., pact, and oftentimes the setting conceit (1900s biopunk frankenstein-y british empire) doesn't feel like it's hitting quite as hard as it should.

for all of these reasons, i wouldn't have rated the first ~13 arcs of twig any more generously than in the 3.5-4 star range while i was reading them, but that's still an overall rating of good. i wouldn't still be thinking about some of the things from the first ~13 arcs of twig if they weren't overall good. if all of twig was the same quality as the first ~13 arcs, i would recommend it to people who i feel like could tolerate the pacing issues & would feel reading about the lambs was worth it.

but. BUT. BUT-

Q: so, twig turns out really bad, huh? what went wrong? A:

it is not all the same quality as the first 13 arcs. it turns out really bad the last 7 arcs are actually atrocious

the first thing that comes to mind if you ask me "what went wrong with twig" is that wildbow tries to write a trans woman as one of the main characters, and he does it badly. miss jessie ewesmont, my new favorite girl whom we need to get the fuck out of a wildbow novel. i think she was written extremely well--and in fact one of the top 2 characters in the book--prior to wildbow trying to handle her coming out. i'd even say the foreshadowing for it was perfectly well done and enjoyable. but after she comes out, during the last 7 arcs of the book?

you know how trans women are often victims of being treated as undervalued, disposable girlfriends, who are expected to coddle & cater to their partner's every whim while receiving effectively nothing in return? and you know how trans women are often treated as if they should be grateful for receiving (what is often less than) the literal bare minimum? and you know how trans women are frequently treated as if it's completely implausible for anyone to find them genuinely attracted or desirable, let alone worth pursuing or putting effort into?

yeah, the last 7 arcs of twig contain untold tens of thousands of words of wildbow reinventing all of that from first principles. this is a subjective experience, but it genuinely felt worse to read than amy dallon. at one point, the Disposable Trans Girlfriend in question literally says "i appreciate you not killing me" after she gets stabbed in her sleep by her boyfriend, sylvester. it's beyond parody. i've never said "WE HAVE TO HIT WILDBOW WITH HAMMERS" more in my goddamned life than while reading the last 7 arcs of twig. Transmisogyny Fucking City. it's a completely unforgivable and miserable reading experience.

and speaking of unforgivable and miserable reading experiences involving bigoted handling of a main character...onto Item No. 2 on the list of writing decisions that ruin twig! the ableism.

wildbow wants all of the lambs to--due to being ill-fated human experiments--have set expiration dates. one of the Main Points hanging over the entire narrative of twig is that every single lamb is, in all likelihood, going to die of complications from the way they've been experimented on before they're even twenty. two of them do die from those complications before the story is even halfway over: jamie's entire mind & sense of being is regularly taken out of his body, and one day, the doctors can't get it back in. gordon is a ~15yo with the heart problems of an elderly man, and they kill him while he's still young enough to make one of his last acts begging to see his dog one last time. it's good. it's tragic, it's interesting.

the problem is that wildbow's decision for how to depict sylvester starting to experience end-stage complications is to...turn sy into an ableist horror movie trope villain. sy hears The Devil telling him to kill his friends, and he just fuckin' blacks out and then comes to like "oh no...what's all this blood on my hands." i'm talking "mental illness is a Demon that can Possess You and make you an Evil Serial Killer" levels of ableist writing. like wildbow straight up turns sy into the joker from the movie joker. it's like that one "insaaaaynenene....assyyylum..... cray-ay-zeee...Insaayne" tiktok, you know the one. it's why he stabs his disposable trans girlfriend.

and it's baffling because: 1. wildbow wrote worm. you'd expect better from him when it comes to writing mental illness. but his skills apparently stop short of being able to depict a character with psychosis without making it cartoonishly ableist. but also, 2., sy doesn't only start becoming mentally ill at the end of arc 13! the previous arcs do very clearly establish that he's extremely codependent with the other lambs and needs continuous support to avoid experiencing life-threatening mental health episodes. he experiences dissociation, he struggles with severe memory loss, he acts erratically, he has self-injurious tendencies, he hallucinates, he talks to himself in public. prior to the start of arc 14, all of that is written with perfectly amenable levels of nuance and empathy towards sy. i wouldn't describe it as glowing representation, or anything, but it's by no means egregious.

but after arc 13? change of plans. now he's the joker from the movie joker, and we have to watch while his friends chain him to an armchair so he doesn't go around randomly cutting peoples hands off in a murderous fugue state.

it's bad. it's extremely bad to read.

the third item regarding how/why twig becomes terrible is a lot more simple to summarize: it becomes almost entirely about the previously mentioned sloggy fight scenes as opposed to about the lambs. and when it is about the lambs, it's often terrible to read anyway, due to the aforementioned issues with the handling of protagonist sylvester lambsbridge and his disposable trans gf. the plot becomes incoherent and uninteresting to the point where it's not even worth the effort of attempting to summarize how or why. everything that made twig good more or less entirely disappears from the story, and things that make it fucking awful are added.

Q: okay but lets say i have something unfixably wrong with me and i want to read twig anyway. wheres the best stopping point? arc 13? A: yeah it's arc 13. it's not a satisfying stopping point at all though. nor is the rest of twig prior to it really worth it. just don't waste your time. go read a good book, like pact, instead

Q: what the fuck is up with helen? A: :)

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Shell 4.11 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

“If something happens because I was wrong, and it isn’t because you gave me the wrong information or tools to work with, I’ll own up.  I’ll tell him, and your reputation will be unaffected.  Promise.”

I actually believe Lisa here. Assuming it is Lisa, anyway.

This other guy... didn't Coil have a medical tinker at one point or something? Or was that just invented in a fic?

“That, honey, is the only reason we’ve been trying to wake you up.  You’ve been using your power while you sleep, and every bug in the neighborhood has been gathering here to crawl on you.  Not all at once, not all together, but they’re adding up and someone’s going to notice.”

Something she's gonna have to work on. But that's some serious Powers are Bullshit stuff.

“Shh.  Relax.  It’s fine.  Just send the bugs away, and you can go back to sleep.  We’re handling everything, okay?” It was okay.  I drifted off. ■ I was jostled from a dream.

Wildbow does use the first person approach to great effect, but it does have it's limits.

“Brian, okay.  Thank you.  If you could just bring her through here.  After you called, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I made up the sofa bed, in case we couldn’t get her upstairs, or if there was a wheelchair.  I was thinking the worst…” “The couch is fantastic,” Lisa said, “She’s most definitely not in the worst shape she could be in, or even close to it.  She’s going to sleep a lot, and you’ll need to check on her every half hour to make sure she’s okay, for the next twelve hours.  Besides, she might want to watch TV between naps, so this looks like a perfect place to be.”

Okay so this is Lisa and Brian spilling a whole line of bullshit to her dad about how she got hurt?

“You can.  But my dad’s a doctor, and he looked her over in his clinic.  Pulled strings to get her a CT scan, MRI.  He wanted to be absolutely sure there was no brain damage before he gave her stronger painkillers.  Here.  I’ve got the bottle in one of these pockets.  There.  It’s codeine.  She’s probably going to have some major headaches, and she was moaning in her sleep about pain in her extremities.  Give her one pill four times a day, but only if she feels she needs it.  If she’s okay as is, just wean her off.  Two a day, or half a pill four times a day.”

The patented Tattletale Line of Bullshit™. But it does work.

So surreal.  Hearing words like my dad’s name or the word ‘papa’ from Lisa’s mouth.

True. She just doesn't seem like a 'papa' sort of girl.

“Rachel’s more scratched and bruised than Taylor, but she didn’t get a concussion, and she’s a tough girl. 

So they did find her, one way or the other.

“A bomb.  You’ve seen the news?” “Explosions across the city all night and all morning, yes.  The incident at the PHQ.   All started by one of the parahumans.  I can’t remember her name.  Sounded Japanese?”

Very convenient that she was going boom all over the city at the same time as picking a fight with the Undersiders.

“I… I know it sounds strange,” my dad spoke, hesitantly, “But even after you told me it was a bomb, on the phone, I couldn’t believe it.  I thought maybe it was a mean prank, or Taylor had come across, um.” “The bullies,” Lisa finished my dad’s sentence.

Even living in Brockton Bay, it makes sense you'd have a hard time believing it, Danny.

Sympathetically, Lisa answered, “But you’re disappointed that someone wasn’t you.” If guilt caused you physical pain, I think that would have been like a shiv through my heart.

Taylor, talk to your dad. Danny, fucking talk to your daughter. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

I thought about it, “I don’t like lying to my dad.”

I think that ship sailed awhile ago, Taylor. But I suppose I do get why this feels different. One more step on her road.

“I- I’m so sorry… That came out wrong.  I’m grateful for what you did, what you’re doing.  You guys are awesome and hanging out with you has been some of the most fun I’ve had in years.  I’m so glad you’re here, and I’d like nothing better to just kick back and unwind after all that, but-” Lisa put a finger against my lips, silencing me.  “I know.  You like to keep different parts of your life separate.  I’m sorry, but there wasn’t a way around it.  You were hurt, and we couldn’t keep you without your dad causing a stir.”

I don't think you can really do that as easily as you'd like, but again, I get it. Taylor wants to keep her budding villain (and would be hero) career seperated out, so it can be an escape from the hell of school, and the empty void of life at home. It can't be, if the two lives entangle like that. But - you really can't enforce an artificial divide like that. You can try, but it's not gonna work Taylor.

I'd imagine that's part of Worm's point, how hard the two lives really are. Like, is much ever established about the nominal civilian lives of any of the Protectorate Heroes? Never comes up in any fics, for one.

Lisa continued, “I called the boss, he sent us to a doctor who has a reputation for being discreet and working with parahumans.  Been doing it twenty years.  We were worried about you.”

Gotta love a full service employer. Maybe this 'boss' isn't so bad? /jk

“Nothing to apologize for.  Anyways, it all more or less worked out.  The doc got the capsule out of Brian’s nose, patched you up, gave Regent an IV.  I sat and watched you while Brian went and got Rache, her dog and the money.  Only two or three thousand gone, that someone thought they could get away with grabbing from the bag before it was all counted.  Our boss sent a van and picked it up a little after midnight.  Money he gave us is already in our apartment, with more to come after he decides what the papers are worth.”

How did they figure out where those were?

“Here’s the second bit of bad news.  All of that?  It was one overblown distraction.  Something to keep every cape in the city busy, while Oni Lee sprung Lung from the PHQ.”

I feel like this has to be the first time Worm pulls the rug out from under the protagonist, and the reader. She really did accomplish something, with Lung getting caught. And as readers, it's a big moment, her big first win is such a big deal, not just any villain, it's the fucking DRAGON DUDE

And now he's out. And they didn't even stop Bakuda for their troubles. It's all undone, and the city's even worse off thanks to all the bombs and the ABB having it's conscripts and so forth.

The first in a long chain of extremely mixed 'victories', if they can even be called that.

Lisa nudged my upper arm with her elbow and grinned, “You got a perfect excuse not to go.  Why complain?” Because I’d forced myself to go to school after missing nearly a week of classes, with the intention of not skipping any more, and now I was going to miss another full week.  I couldn’t say that, especially not in front of my dad.

Taylor, it isn't... it isn't... - I don't know what you think it is, subjecting yourself to that shithole? Noble? A sign of defiance? A desperate grab at the worst sort of normality?

I don't know what it is, but you're not actually doing it, dragging yourself there. School's important, yeah. I get that.

Winslow? Winslow sure as fuck isn't.

But for her, it's just one more crack in her attempt to wall between the two halves of her life.

The three of us laughed at a series of jokes in the movie, and Lisa got the hiccups, which only made Brian and I laugh harder. I saw my dad puttering about in the kitchen, probably to keep an eye on me, and our eyes met.  I gave a little wave, not moving my arm, just my hand, and smiled.  The smile he gave me in return was maybe the first truly genuine one I’d seen on his face in a long time. The school thing?  I’d worry about it later, if it meant I could live in the present like this.

And yet - the rug was pulled, but Taylor does have her friends, her dad, the illusion of something she can use to make herself happy, she is happy, despite it all. At least now, in the moment.

[kazhewbrekker]

january book reviews

the stolen heir : holly black ⭐⭐⭐⭐

it took me about a week to read this book and by that i mean i read half, wasn’t impressed, took a week and came back and finished it. like with the cruel prince, the beginning and middle of this book aren’t all that exciting in my opinion, but holly takes the cake as usual for her incredible endings. honestly at this point reading a holly black book is worth it just to see how she wraps it. but yeah, i think it was a good starting point for the duology, im positive the prisoner’s throne will be better, as was the case with tcp > twk. im happy to say towards the end i had really connected with oak and suren/wren, however i feel like despite how fun of a concept it is to put wren and jude in direct opposition its...hm, bad ? to clarify, i wish that i felt conflicted on who’s side i was rooting for. but even if wren was in the right, which...bridle aside she isnt, i would still be in jude’s corner simply because even with all the time spent with wren it’s not enough to...connect with her on the same level as i did with jude. and thats a heavy ask to be fair; jude is one of my favorite character’s in the ya/new adult genre. but i think a understandable worry with this duology is that the folk of the air series might overshadow this new story holly black is trying to tell. i can’t say definitively if it has or has not, but i think she’s done a better job of balancing the new characters and plots with reference to the old. it’ll really be a testament to how well she can keep both separate and important in the next book as she’s hinted that jude and cardan will have a bigger role (which makes sense, since we’re uhh going to war. uh oh).

the invisible life of addie la rue : v.e. schwab ⭐⭐⭐

i read 60% of this book probably over a year ago. maybe two. on a plane. this is a reoccurring problem. but i gotta say, schwab is the queen of concepts. she hasn’t had a single book concept that i wasn’t at least a little intrigued by. unfortunately, uhh, this doesn’t always translate to an interesting plot. the beginning of this book is good, it’s engaging (as far as i remember), bestie lost me when she introduced the most uninteresting man in the world: what’s-his-name. no actually, what was his name--hold on--henry ! his name is henry. he is boring. i understand his purpose in the story, but uhh, the most interesting thing about that man was...the deal he made with the devil i guess ? and that gets revealed so late in the game you have to wade through addie being infatuated with this Regular Guy (not that i blame her when he’s the only one that can remember her), but god, yeah that’s a pretty comprehensive reason for me putting this book down for so long. the ending though, see this is the important part, the ending was very good. i was happily surprised how open-ended it was. though the hopeless romantic that lives deep inside my chest and chews on my bones will continue to believe that the dark could learn to love, okay. i don’t think that should be held against me, either way addie wins. slay queen.

daisy jones & the six : taylor jenkins reid ⭐⭐⭐

very different book from the two other before this, lol. im pretty sure i picked up this book offhandedly the last time i went to b&n, i read the seven husbands of evelyn hugo last year and wasn’t...super impressed ? authors tend to hit me a lot harder with their debuts then second or third releases. for some reason. i really respect reid for her use of journalism styles to tell these fictional stories, how much historical research probably goes into making everything seem realistic. i do think--as a personal opinion--writing about music is a very challenging thing. it’s very difficult to properly convey how music sounds, or feels, without being able to hear the music itself. (i feel the same about dancing, but that’ll probably come up another day). but the story is as much about the music as it is about the complex interweaving relationship of the characters in and outside of the band. shout out to my girl, camilla, the best character in that book. i think the most impressive thing to me about the book, besides the stylistic choices (aka the interview aspect), is how the waves minor characters like camilla or teddy or simone make deeply effect every aspect of the story. very akin to real life, there’s so many people that can change the game for you--especially for character’s like daisy and billy who are so deep in substance abuse and addiction at certain points. overall, really great book, the very last page made me laugh out loud.

beach read : emily henry ⭐⭐⭐⭐

emily henry books feel like a guilty pleasure to me at this point. i started reading her books on my flight to new york last summer, which is coincidentally where i picked up a physical copy of beach read that slept in my suitcase for uhh...six months ? anyways i finally decided to read her after talking about emily henry and her books with a friend of mine. it was a very good decision on my part--this is my favorite of her books. i feel like i need to start with the things i dont like about this book, lol. my biggest pet peeve with contemporary romance is that every single one of these characters is an author, or a publisher, or does something in the literary industry. please stop. i get thats where a lot of these authors have experience, it is their field, but jesus christ can we just have like. an illiterate main character. someone with an undeniable hatred for everything book-related. let’s be quirky and different...please ? all that said, january and gus have some actually great conversations about writer’s block and how it feels to write outside of your comfort zone. i’ll say out of all the books ive read in recent years that have to do with writers (another of which being an emily henry book 🙄), this is the best its been done in my opinion. the relationship development in this book is just very gradual and i love that, the fact that they knew each other before, but not deeply enough to be friends so we still get to see them get to know each other beyond their work is really important to me. sidenote: completely understand what january means when she’s talking about the sad and depressing shit people write about in an undergrad creative writing program. good lord. the heavy topics in this book felt very well handled in the context of...yknow a romance novel, it was kind of nice to have a love interest that wasn’t like...secretly a huge asshole who’s hiding the worst secret in the world. they had me worried for a second there when the exwife showed up, but the swerve at the last second was very appreciated. this book would have a very different review if that had been handled differently. lemme tell you, lol. overall, very enjoyable, probably the most fun ive had in this genre since the hating game. wow.

[bisluthq]

There are articles on Louis Tomlinson and One Direction, and once again Louis is speaking out about Larry not being real, but he is helpless in saying anything that changes people’s mind. It’s nothing he can do about it. I think it’s frustration on Sean’s part that rumors persist too. I think most Gaylors think Taylor would just come out and deny it, and the reason she doesn’t, is proof she is. I think she did try but the rumors got worse and saying anything more would make her sound homophobic. That is a fear in Hollywood, I believe…being perceived as homophobic. Hiddles seemed to get irritated when asked about it, and flat out denied his rumors. There are plenty of gay and bi people in Hollywood, but the conspiracists seem to focus harder on people that really hasn’t shown any proof they are gay.

Taylor did come out and deny it lol. She denied it to fucking CNN. They covered Taylor being straight alongside wars and shit. But yeah conspiracists don’t give a shit.

look, a bit of speculation is natural and normal and sometimes is yk very true lol. People do come out and/or admit rumors were correct sometimes. Rumors about wild behavior are always fun. People do have fun with one another and artsy people do on the whole tend to be kinda wild and free spirited so like heterosexual truthering to the point of “NO I KNOW FOR A FACT THIS PERSON HAS NEVER EVEN KISSED A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER” is just… not it for me lol. I mean I met old (in length of friendship not age per se) friends of my bf’s the other day that he’s had from Cali/HW (all are film people) and those two friends are married now but when my bf met HER (she’s his friend, he met him through her) she was married to some other guy. Fun story about how those two met: her now hubby has a tongue ring and one night apparently everyone was asking him what it’s like to hook up with a guy with a tongue ring so he set up a kissing line and HER THEN HUSBAND was in the line directly in front of her and made out with him first, after which she did. Her husband and her then split for completely unrelated reasons (my bf had known him and he was apparently a bit of a prick), this guy and her were working a crew job together, got drunk and hooked up and… the rest is history lmao. She finds it hilarious her ex husband made out with her now husband first. Now I don’t think that’s an especially straight story but I’m 90% sure everyone (except tongue ring guy who’s a bit of a wildcard on that kinda thing) in it identifies as straight. People also have flings and shit idk on both sides of the equation - a VERY lesbian friend of mine (the girl who was a bit too masc for me personally when we went on a few dates and we were both just not fully feeling it romantically but we’ve stayed pretty good friends - we actually were very close straight after the failed attempt at dating but then she moved to Colorado so it’s not super easy to talk time zone wise but we do text regularly) recently got drunk and hooked up with her male roommate lol. Shit happens. None of that’s identity related or like necessarily that deep and we should normalize saying like idk people do stuff sometimes lol and it’s fun and normal and we shouldn’t try box everything neatly.

conspiracies on the other hand rot ur brains 🤷🏻‍♀️ and all these gay truthering things are literally that - not rumors, just full on conspiracies and often kinda homophobic at their core because it comes down to like “a straight person wouldn’t do that” and like??? WTF lol. Wtaf.

[kilbygrl]

BACK TO DECEMBER; jack harlow

pairing: jack harlow x fem!reader

category: angst

summary: you would do anything to go back to december after realizing you were wrong.

warnings: i think none? let me know if i missed something. and italic means past.

a/n: oh hello you guys! this fic is based on a anon who sent a bunch of suggestions one of those days, and i intend to all of them, so that's the reason i didnt ansewer the request with the fic. and this is based on "back to december" by my queen and inspiration, taylor swift. so i hope y'all like it.

masterlist

You always felt like you were not in control of your life. That you were always living for others. Since you were a little kid, you never had much saying in how your life was going to be, your parents were extremely controlling, they had planned your entire life and you had to follow it. Your life started change when you went to college, but you never really erased your roots. You always stayed behind everyone, being there, as they used you for their own good. Until you meet Jack. He was the sweetest and concerned person you’ve ever met. He always made sure the spotlight was yours too. The first months you felt like you were living a dream. You never had something like that. No one ever showed that kind of affection and love for you. You felt so insecure, feeling that you weren’t enough for him, although he always said the opposite.  

“Why are you doing things to me?” you ask Jack, as his head lays on the pillow, right next to yours. His blue eyes staring right into the deepest part of you. He always looked at you like you were something else “I’ve never felt like this. It’s like my heart is trying to get out of my chest and jump into your hands, like a gift” he smiled. He absolutely loved when you talk to him like poetry. 

“This is how relationships should feel like, pretty. You love someone so much that you want all of your parts to be theirs. It’s like you’re trying to become just one person, to be together forever” he holds your hands, close enough of his heart “It is already yours, I’m all yours” 

“We’ll be together forevermore?” he nods, kissing each one of your fingers. 

“If it’s on me, we will” you smile to him, feeling your eyes tear up a bit “I love you so much, you make me overflow” 

“I love you, I’m all yours already” you give him a slight peck, feeling just love overwhelm your body. 

You absolutely loved being with him. Wasn't there a second that he made you feel uncomfortable, he always was checking on you, even when he was busy. He always made time for you, telling you how much he loved you, how much you were important to him and how we wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Was his first-time finding love too. He liked showing you how much love was out there, mostly knowing that you never had that kind of affection, it made all even better, being the first to do it. 

And he absolutely loved to spoil you. He used to send you roses at least once a week, when he wasn’t home. Always brought gifts from everywhere he visited, when you couldn't come along. He made sure to have date nights at least twice a month. Always made everything easier on you, so you didn’t have to worry. He wanted to make you happy, he wanted to give everything to you. 

But perfect relationships are fairy tale. You guys talked about everything, so he spent months talking about how he was going on tour, and discussing how your relationship would suffer for you two being so much time apart from each other, since you couldn’t actually go on tour with him and you two were used to being together all the time. At the end you both decided was going to be easy, and you’d go back to be together in no time. 

And that was not what happened. The first month, wasn’t good, but was fine. He still sent you flowers once a week, and you did see him two times in that month, but just it. You still facetime-d and talked every day. The first half of the second month was way harder. He was doing even more shows, and didn’t have the time to talk every day and all the time. You knew him, you knew his heart, and you knew it wasn’t on purpose. You knew he wasn’t trying to hurt you, but not being with him made you feel in pain. And you knew he was tired too. Not of you, but of that routine, and your atmosphere change, and he didn’t even notice. 

And you started feel like you were behind the scenes again, every time you were with him, was not loving and breathtaking again. You were being the new superstar girlfriend. You knew he loved you. You still felt it. But you learned so much in the last year, that you knew you shouldn’t just let it be. You knew how it was going to be, you assumed at least, at as much as you loved him, you couldn’t just to it with yourself. 

“Yeah, I’m listening to you, Jack. I got it. But life isn’t that easy. I can’t just feel like I’m living for you. You told me that a thousand times. I spent the most time of my life living for other people, I can’t live for you too” you told him, while you two finally get to spend some time alone on a hotel room between one of his shows. 

“I don’t want you to, I don’t want you to fucking go either. You just can’t leave me like this” his eyes were shining, but was tears threatening scape his eyes “We can make this work out, baby. I promise you” 

“We’ve being trying to make things work out for a month, Jack. We are not the same anymore. I can’t just live like this. I know it hurts you too. It’s not easy. But it’s not good for none of us. I need to live my life besides being the superstar girlfriend”  

“You feel like I��m holding you up?” you nod unconsciously “I never asked you for anything. Never. If we are talking it, I just made your life easier” 

“I know. I’m not blaming you. It happens. Things don’t work out” 

“It shouldn't have happened. Things should work out. You’re the love of my life. I wanna marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you” he holds your face, making you look into his eyes. Tears leaving both his and yours. 

“How can we live a life together when we can’t even go through a bad phase? I can’t hold up anymore. I’ve been doing it my entire life. I can’t be just stuck in this relationship hoping everything is going to work out someday. I need to find myself, Jack. You gave me courage to do it” 

“You saying I’m the one to blame for you breaking up with me?” he laughs, ironically, taking his hands out of you. 

“There’s no one to blame. You just taught me a lot and I’ll never going to forget it. I’m thankful for you, you can’t even imagine. It’s just not the right time for us” you try to wipe his tears, but he pushes you away. 

“Just go already” he points to the door. 

You take your suitcase, that you hadn’t unpacked, walking away from him. Your eyes collide one last time, before you walk out the door. 

“I’m sorry. Bye, Jack” is the last thing you say to him. 

The breakup wasn’t easy on none of you. While you cried your whole way home, he cried the whole night. You didn’t want to leave him, but you put your well-being first. The last month you spend dating him, there’s not a day you didn’t cry, missing being with him, wasn’t heathy, crying yourself to sleep every day. But the breakup didn’t change a lot. Months went by and you still caught yourself thinking about him and how he was doing. And you end up crying. You tried to move on. Tried to enjoy having not holding you up. But didn't work. 

On his birthday, you did think about calling, or sending him a message, but you didn’t. The day that you two would complete two years of dating, you spent it crying, listening to sad songs and thinking about him. Sometimes you looked him up, and he look like he was doing fine, writing a new album, career becoming ever bigger. After the breakup, he didn’t mention you once. He was moving up. And you missed him so much. You missed him every day. You missed him so much that you swelled all your pride and decided to write him a letter. Old fashioned way.  

Dear Jack, 

I know you probably don’t want to hear about me, or maybe you didn’t even think about me these past few months. I searched your name once, and I see you’re doing well. You seem busy, working in everything you ever wanted to be. I could say that I’m proud of you. So, yeah, the last time I saw you is still printed on my memory like it was yesterday. So, this is me, swallowing my pride, and I’m saying I’m really sorry about that night. Freedom isn't nothing like missing you, and I wish I had realized it when you were mine. I am really and completely sorry. I wish I could back to that cold night in december and that hotel room who looked more like a house, and change everything. I really haven’t sleep well since the last time I slept with you. I thought about calling on your birthday, but it was your special day and I was not sure if you would be happy having me calling you. I was still thinking about you every second of that day, I even bought you a stupid present, can you believe it? And then I was thinking about how I realized I loved you, that summer. Our first summer together. I realize you gave me all your love and all I gave you was a goodbye. But I miss you. I miss the way you talked to me, or how I always watched you sleep, and how you frown your nose while you were waking up. I miss your freckles, the ones your nose, on your shoulders and on your back. I miss touching you. I miss your smile. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss hearing your voice, so much, that sometimes I go to the private part of my gallery and watch a bunch of videos you sent me. I miss how you used to hold me. How much you made me feel loved. I miss hearing you saying that you wanted to spent the rest of your life with me. You were the first one to show me what love really is, and I let you scape. I am truly sorry. And I truly miss you. I hope you can forgive me one day. And I know it’s not fair, but I still love you. 

Yours truly, Y/N

And when you finished writing, you could see the tears wetting the piece of paper. It took you days to have the guts to go to the mail, but you finally did, hoping that he still lived at the same place. Hoping that he could even think about forgiving you. 

[dreamcatcherrs]

august - ranboo x reader

+ disclaimer! I don't know if ranboo actually has a cat :)

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: ranboo x f!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: ranboo can’t help but to blush every time you look at him, not realising that he was falling even harder for you than he realised.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬: 1.478

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: none :)

song recommendation: august - taylor swift

the first time he’d spotted you was in science class, near the end of the school year. that one time you looked up and smiled at him because of something stupid he’d said to his friend, that you for some reason found funny - he couldn’t stop thinking of that smile for the rest of the day. the image of you stuck in his head.

the next time he saw you was in p.e. you were wearing those pretty red sports shorts that you always wore, but he for some reason had never noticed until now. and whenever you’d walk or run past him, the smell of vanilla would follow behind you, filling his nostrils with the scent, and it felt heavenly. from that day on, he decided that he really liked the smell of vanilla.

weeks went by before you first talked to him. you were sat behind him and had poked his shoulder to ask him if he had a spare pencil for you to borrow. he breathed in, eyes wide from surprise. were you talking to him? it was only when you tilted your head to the side with a playful smile on your face that he realised he’d been zoned out, completely forgetting that he had to respond.

“uh- yeah, sure.” he’d fumbled with his backpack, trying to fish out his pencil case only to remember… he didn't have one. he moved his hands back again, looking back up at you as you leaned over the table with a patient smile on your face. “uhm… actually, I don't have one either.”

that made you laugh, and he was just confused, cheeks turning red in embarrassment. “well, I guess I can't really complain about that,” you giggled, brushing a strand of hair out of your face. “I’m y/n, by the way. we have science together, I just don't think we ever got the chance to talk.” he grabbed the hand you’d put out to shake, staring into your bright eyes as you shook his hand. were there stars in your eyes? it looked like there was a whole other universe in there.

“I guess not-”

“hey, you two. eyes up here.” mr. jefferson, you douche-

“sorry mr. jefferson!” you apologised, before turning to send him a playful smile. as if you two had a secret that no one else knew about. he wondered if that smile was always able to get you out of trouble. he thought about it for a while as mr. jefferson explained the different historic sculptures, and then came to the conclusion, that no one could be mad at a person with such a smile for very long.

“aww, you never told me you had a kitty!”

he threw his backpack onto the arm chair in his living room, letting out an exasperated sigh as you followed behind him, or rather, followed his cat behind him. he turned around to see you crouched down beside his cat, softly petting it  with the cutest smile on your face.

“yeah. pretty cute, right?” he joined you by petting the purring creature, heart bubbling with how cute the sight in front of him was. he wasn't just talking about the cat.

“well, should we get started?” you asked, shrugging your own backpack off and getting out a small notebook. he’d noticed you wrote in it a couple of times during the class before.

you’d both been assigned for a science project together - what a coincidence. he wasn't complaining though - not at all. you’d had fun times together in class since, now being sat beside each other. you’d gone to his place to put in some extra work ethic. “you’re lucky I actually like science! then we’ll get some work done.”

you plopped down on his couch, taking in the comfiness for a moment, before fishing out your computer. “are you implying something?” you giggled at his question, lifting a finger at him.

“that I do all of the work in science class while you sit and stare at me? yes.”

a wave of heat flooded over him, cheeks and ears turning red and his palms sweating up. was it that obvious?

you patted the spot on the couch beside you for him to sit down, a small smile etched onto your face. he did so, finding a comfortable way to sit in before looking over at your computer screen. you turned you head to him, scooting closer when you noticed he could barely see your screen. as if that would help his sweaty armpits and rosy cheeks…

“okay, do you remember our lesson about polar and non-polar electronegativity?” his face was blank. the words were foreign to him. was that the day you wore that pink lipstick? or did he just think that because he thought it looked so good on you?

you rolled your eyes playfully at his lack of response, proceeding to point at the screen and explain to him what it means. he listened to start off with, but then soon realised that his thoughts had drifted off to another place, eyes gazing over to look at you instead of the screen. and instead of listening, he started thinking about the way your lips moved - how cute and perfect they were. and how much he wanted to kiss them.

he lost his train of thought when you turned your head to him again, a frown on your face when noticing how lost in thought he was, clearly not paying attention, yet your look of disbelief quickly turned into a surprised expression. was he looking at you?

“you’re not listening.”

he looked bewildered for a moment, but quickly managed to clear his throat awkwardly, eyes turning to the screen again. “sorry.”

you began to explain again, and this time he only glanced over at you once when... was that blush on your cheeks?

the first time he kissed you was one month later, summer break. you were at the local park, basking in the rays of sun as the summer was soon to end. the smell of freshly mowed grass was all that filled your nostrils, and the fresh breeze every now and then was enough to keep you from melting under the heat of the sun.

you were sat at a nice waterfall, your backs turned towards it as you ate the sandwiches you had just bought. the sound of water trickling out of the different places on the statue was pleasant for your ears, peaceful really.

he’d gone to push his longer hair out of his face, and then rest his hand beside him, in the middle of the two of you. but instead of meeting a cold surface, his hand met your soft one, that was already resting right where he was about to put his hand.

he heard you gasp softly, head turning to look down at your hands. he looked back at you with wide eyes, which you quickly returned when realizing what had happened, a rosy colour spreading over your cheeks. and right then, he couldn’t help himself. he knew you hadn’t known each other for that long, but he knew you. and he for sure knew that he liked you.

as your eyes stared into his, head slightly leaning in, he kissed you. soft and sweet and short, and when he pulled back again, your eyes were closed and you didn’t look displeased at all. and that’s when he knew, you liked him, too.

“ranboo, I swear, if you rest your arm on my head one more time!”

he laughed at your small threat, removing his arm from its comfortable place on the top of your head. he ruffled your hair, just to annoy you, with a playful smirk on his face. you pouted at him, fixing your hair again and softly shoving at his chest.

“fine~ I’ll stop. you’re just so short, it’s hard not to,” he giggled, patting the top of your head lightly as he smiled down at you brightly.

“maybe you should just be shorter. then I won't have to get on my toes all the time to kiss you.” you crossed your arms, staring up at him with a smirk on your face.

he shrugged. “nah. I kinda like seeing you struggle with that.”

you rolled your eyes and let out a low grumble, acting like a kid who was just told they weren't allowed any candy. before you knew it, a dandelion was pushed back into your hair, followed suit by a quick peck on your cheek. your lips parted in surprise, eyes staring up at him again, before reaching your hand up to gently touch the flower, a small smile spreading across your face.

“now,” he started, leaning down to intertwine his fingers with yours. “shall we go out to enjoy the last day of august?”

_____________________________________

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[justyoursimpleflower]

Gorgeous

Pairing- James Potter x werewolf!Lupin!female!reader. (That's a mouthful)

Summary:- reader has a tiny bit of crush on school's golden boy and she finds him very gorgeous but she can't say anything to his face.

Word count:- 4.3k (damn)

Warning:- mentions of scars, alcohol, insecurities. (I think this is but inform me if any other) also lets pretend James has ocean blue eyes.

A/N:- so here it is the one shot promised based on the song Gorgeous, I wanted to make something silly kind of but it turned out different than that but alright. It is based on the song called gorgeous by Taylor Swift but I changed something. If you find any errors please inform me. Enjoy read! And thanks to @ultarviolence for actually suggesting to with whom the oneshot be. Credits for the pictures goes to their rightful owners, I only own the collage. Tiny bit of wolfstar too. Also a reblog will be helpful.👉👈

Masterlist

Petrichor. The earthy smell filled your heightened senses as you felt him coming near you. As much as it intimidated you, it was bliss, somehow it relaxed you. But maybe even in that bliss you were aware how he affected you. Your back still towards him you started walking away from him, everyone was congratulating him on quidditch pitch after his marvellous performance against Slytherin, and here you were walking away from him.

You told Remus that you rather snuggle in your blankets and relax before the full moon but he was stubborn, just like you, and dragged you to quidditch pitch. It was even alright till you had to sit in the rain and watch the match but it all blew up when he saw you sitting in the stands, still on his broom he caught your eye and winked at you, causing a rush a shiver to run down your spine and feel the gross butterflies (it's not like you were looking for him all around the pitch). Alright maybe you were. But that doesn't mean it meant something.

Actually it meant everything. He was gorgeous, more than beautiful. He was breathtaking.

You almost were out of the pitch when a hand wrapped around your scarred one and you internally groaned. Turning around and coming face to face with your worst fear.

He looked at you with those freaking ocean blue eyes. Inhaling deep breath, you stared back at him, directly in his eyes.

You didn't know if he was intimidated by your glare or just trying not to laugh at your cowardice, when his throat bobbed when he gulped.

He released a airy laugh and said,

"Won't you congratulate me for my amazing performance?" He tilted his head, acting innocent. And honestly, he was looking adorable.

Shut up.

'All I want to say is that you are gorgeous.'

"Your ego is big enough without me inflating it." Your words betraying your thoughts. It did nothing to him but made him smirk a little more.

You rolled your eyes and turned around and started walking away.

"At least come to the party!" His voice bounced and reached you.

Merlin, why he is so gorgeous.

You internally groaned as you felt Lily shaking your shoulders.

"Female Lupin, if you don't get up right now, I am going to get male Lupin and make you have a good conversation with him."

"But Lils!" You whined. You had no intention in going to that ruddy party, where James bloody Potter would be.

She sighed and sat down next to a lying figure on the bed. She started running her hands in your hair, humming softly.

You looked at her. Actually looked at her. What was there not to like? She was perfect in studies, had the most magical eyes, the softest hair and kindest heart. On the other hand you were nothing like her.

You were a monster.

Each full moon, you hunted for lives, each full moon, you became a monster.

But no one knew that, except a handful of people. And unluckily, he too knew that. What phased you more was that he was ready to take a risk upon his life by being with you and your brother in those dark nights where you both lose yourselves to your inner monsters.

You always felt comfort in thinking that it was all for Remus, you just got to be a part of it due to you having no other place than the Shack. Who knows that if it hadn't been because of your condition, he would have noticed that you existed?

You were shaken out of your thoughts when you heard a loud bang on the door. Lily looked at you in confusion but gave you a look when found you doing the same to her. She got up and opened the door and found Marlene smiling giddily at both of you.

"What are you two doing here?" She exclaimed.

"The party has started!" She exclaimed and now did you notice that her words were slurred.

At least there is alcohol.

"Marlene...the party just started and you are drunk." Lily said with sigh, disappointment evident on her face.

Marlene just grinned, flipped her hair and started descending the stairs whilst saying something along the line,

"It's just the starter."

Lily turned towards you and opened her mouth to say something but we're stopped by the sudden thumping sound that came from the stairs. You got up quickly from your bed and looked downwards with Lily on your side.

On the stairs, Marlene was laying face on the top most stairs, her hair sprawled on the floor just outside your dormitory.

A gasp left Lily's lips and she crouched down to look at your friend, while you were trying your best to stop the laugh that was about to leave your lips. You too crouched down to her level but before you could say anything Marlene suddenly jumped and sat with her legs crossed, facing you both.

Lily gasped and your eyes went wide with shock but when you both looked at Marlene, she was just giving you both a cheeky smile.

"Merlin, women! Thought you were possessed for a moment!" You exclaimed with a hand on your chest.

You got no reaction from her, instead she just stood up and pulled you both too in a standing position.

"I forgot that I was bribed to drag both of your arses downstairs."

You squint your eyes and raising a brow you said,

"Who bribed you?"

Her face light up and smiling widely, she threw her hands in the air and exclaimed,

"Pames Jotter!"

Lily smacked her hand on her forehead, you winced just thinking how painful it would have been, assuming by the sound.

You heard Marlene's giggles and turned towards her.

"Get it? Pames Jotter is James Potter!" She giggled harder and smiled widely.

You visibly shivered at the name. You eyed the blonde in front of you and started thinking of all the things that you could use to convince her and let you go.

You slowly approached the opportunity,

"Marlene..."

Marlene who had broken into a dance, swaying Lily with her stopped abruptly and looked at you. All humor was wiped away from her face.

You sighed then looked at her,

"You are not drunk, are you?"

She turned towards you and smiled sheepishly,

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"You are forgetting that I am the twin of Remus Lupin. We notice small things."

Marlene sighed and looked to be contemplating something before breaking the facade.

"Yeah, alright, I was acting." Lily hit her arm as soon as the words left her mouth and Marlene grumbled about how she was kind of pissed off by the Lupin siblings in a not so respectful way.

"Why?" You whined to Marlene.

She rolled her eyes and said,

"Because I know that you were not going to come unless practically dragged down.

"So?"

"So? So? Just because you have a crush on the school's golden boy doesn't mean that you should rot in the dorm when everyone else is having a swing."

You felt flustered about how obvious were your feelings for him, you opened your mouth to retort but you couldn't find a better reason. Afterall, it was the reason you refused to be down at the party. You sighed and tried to ignore your friends' pitying faces.

"Okay, let's do this, we go to the party, have the time of your life, whilst we find something that you don't have to interact with him."

"And how we do this?" You raised an eyebrow, seriously questioning your friend's mind,

"I mean, how are we going to do this? He was the one who organised the party."

Marlene let a smirk form on her face and said,

"Technically, the party was organised because of him, not by him."

"Yeah, and that helps a lot." Lily rolled her eyes.

"You don't get it Lils! We are going to be so drunk and stay as far as possible from him."

You clapped your hands and said,

"Yes! We will get drunk and stay in our dorms! Go Marls, bring some drinks!"

Marlene rolled her eyes and took a threatening step towards you.

"Okay, enough, now you are going to get ready or I am dragging you just like this."

You opened your mouth to say something but,

"Nope! No, no more whining!" She cut you off.

She then clapped her hands and said,

"Alright, both of you get ready, I'll see you downstairs!"

She smiled and kissed your cheek before descending down the stairs.

You looked at Lily and sighed. When you saw her smirking you gave her a dry look and finally accepted your faith.

"Alright, girl, slow down." Remus said from your side, where he had been standing and rubbing your back for the past fifteen minutes.

After you came to the party, you were convinced that Lily and Marlene were not going to leave your side. But who were you kidding? They left you ten minutes in the party, saying that you need to live up and actually let James have his way with you.

You almost scoffed at the thought. James wanted nothing but to tease you by just assuming you fancied him. Only if he knew how true that was.

You were about to take a sip from your cup when it was snatched away from your hand,

"Hey!" You hit Remus on his arm for it but he did nothing other than shrug.

"You almost had enough to last you a lifetime."

When he saw your sour expression he sighed,

"Listen, I don't have any problem with how much you drink. If I am being honest, I love it when you get drunk, you spill all your secrets but I don't want you to grumble when you have the baddest hangover."

You gave him an odd look with your arms folded over your chest, you said,

"I don't tell any secrets when I'm drunk."

"Oh you so do."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Tell me about one."

"You got the biggest crush on James."

You opened your mouth to counter his remark but your words died in your throat. Swallowing hard you whispered,

"I didn't…"

A smirk formed on his lips,

"You did."

You held your head in your hands and propped your elbows on the drink table near. You wanted to have the time of your life and here you were, finding out that you told your brother about your crush on his friend.

"You don't have any problem with it?" You mumbled with your head still in your hands.

Remus saw your sour expression and pulled your arm lightly and said,

"Hey, don't be sad now."

"Yeah, my brother found out that I have a crush on one of his best mates is not concerning."

"If it makes you feel better, I think he likes you too."

You gave him a dry look and took one more cup and gulped it in a single sip. The liquid burned your throat but atleast it was good enough to lighten the pressure on your head.

"Have you heard the way he talks?" You asked Remus who raised an eyebrow, clearly finding amusement in your condition. You gave him an annoyed look and continued,

"He talks like he knows all about everything. 'At Least come to the party', bloody buffoon. He–he knew that I would react this way and still! His voice is like the clawing of nails on iron. It gives me headache!" You looked at Remus who still had an annoying smile on his face,

"Why are you smiling?" You asked him annoyed.

"Why don't you say this to his face? Maybe he will go away" He suggested and you thought about this, maybe he was right. You found him looking behind you, you followed his eyesight and you frown deepened. Another glass down.

In front of you was James Potter goofing around with his best mate Sirius Black when other people were gawking at their sights.

"Doesn't he feel scared about how much people are attracted to him?" You mumbled to yourself but Remus heard you anyway and chuckled. You turned and glared at him.

"Honestly, why don't you just say all this to him? You know, it would be better." He said.

"You wait Remus Lupin till I find out about the person you like, then we will see." You turned towards the table again only to find the person you were not so subtly judging only to find him gone from there. Frowning, you raise your cup back to your lips and empty its contents in your throat. A shiver ran down your spine as the liquid burned your insides. You were starting to feel the outputs of the alcohol inside your system, your head started feeling dizzy and it felt really light. You turned around to find Remus surrounded by the Marauders this time and one of them was looking at you, he was looking at you.

Sirius draped his arm around your shoulder, breaking you out of the trance. You stumbled a bit as the alcohol in your system started taking a toll on you.

"Where's your boyfriend Y/N?" He asked you in mock concern.

You rolled your eyes but it did nothing other than increase the slowly growing headache you had.

A chuckle passed James's lips making you look at him, and unfortunately (or fortunately) he looked at you at the same time. You quickly diverted your eyes and shoved Sirius's arm from around you.

"Very funny, Black."

He grinned at you whereas you were slowly getting more and more dizzy.

"He still looks so scared whenever he looks at James."

You tried to hide your smile but it slipped anyway. Maybe you didn't know but your smile made James grin.

"Wait, why is he scared of James?" Remus asked suddenly. Your eyes widened at his words.

Oh shoot he didn't know.

It seemed like they too realised their mistake. They started stumbling over their words and you knew it was all on you.

"Where is Peter?" You asked, trying your best to change the topic.

Remus gave you a curious look but didn't question further.

"Er—Remus, come dance with me, won't you?" Sirius offered his arm to Remus, his nervous expression fading into a wide smirk. His words caused a blush to tint on Remus' cheeks and a small smile to form on his lips.

"Sure." And with that, they both left your drunk self with a very sober looking James Potter.

"Um–I think Marlene was calling me, I am going." You were about to walk away before he caught you by arm and pulled you back. You stumbled a bit, clearly due to intoxicating alcohol, or was it because of him.

"You never spend time with me." He pouted looking at you with those ocean blue eyes.

You were in such a daze that you didn't even react to his words. One reason was that now you were completely intoxicated and the other was that it was him.

"Well...you should take it as a compliment that I talk to everyone but you."

He was about to reply when suddenly darkness spread across the room. Shouts and protests rang out in the room, all increasing your headache.

Your hands frantically searched for something to hold on, when a bigger hand enveloped yours in it. It took time but your eyes adjusted in the darkness and you could lightly make out the face of the person holding your hand. Suddenly all the voices seemed to dim, suddenly the darkness was enough for you, suddenly you felt calm. Your stomach was churning but you were damn sure it wasn't the firewhisky.

You should think about the consequence of you touching my hand in the darkened room.

He pulled you closer to him by his grip on your hand. He wrapped his other arm around your shoulder and instinctively your head leaned on his shoulder.

You felt his breath hitch but you chose not to say anything.

"Someone was informed that McGonagall was on round, the candles will be lit again soon." He almost whispered to you. And just then the candles were lit again.

James expected you to draw away from him as soon as the candles were lit again but you didn't move from your position. Still wrapped around his side.

And he was definitely not complaining.

"James...dance with me?" You asked, lifting your head from his shoulder. You looked so innocent and adorable that he couldn't deny your face.

Or because of the fact that he was never in a lifetime going to lose this opportunity.

"Okay."

And just like that you both started to sway along the rhythm, so lost in your world that no one else existed for you two.

"You know what, you always scared me." He admitted, making you giggle.

"Why?" You asked, your head on his chest as he guided you both in a swaying way.

"First, you are Remus's sister, second, you are damn good with your tongue." It took him a while to understand what he said but till you were in a giggling fit. You were laughing so hard that you had to hold him so you wouldn't fall.

"Wait—wait, I didn't mean it like that!" He exclaimed, his hand wrapped around yours which was holding his shoulder. But you couldn't stop laughing, and that resulted in you missing the smile on his face.

When you finally stopped, you looked up to find him waving to someone. Following his gaze, you found a beautiful brunette from Ravenclaw giggling and waving at him.

Something inside you bubbled, whether it was the alcohol in your system or you were actually being brave that time, you nudged his arm and made him look at you.

"Is she your girlfriend?"

His eyes widened at your words, he whipped his head between you and that girl before shaking it violently.

"Merlin, no! She's actually the daughter of one of Mum's friends."

"Oh."

James looked at you and the way your shoulders visibly relaxed at words and your head went between his shoulder and neck, resting there.

"If it makes you feel better, I'm single."

You again, moved your head from his shoulder and this time he found an adorable pout on your lips.

"It doesn't." You said. He raised an eyebrow and said,

"It doesn't?" And you shook your head.

"It's worse actually, because you are so gorgeous that it hurts."

Your eyes fixed at his face, and even intoxicated, you were able to appreciate his beauty. He was gorgeous in every way, he was a good person, he had an aura around him that made everyone around him happy, one of the reasons you hated him, he was beautiful. He was gorgeous. And his eyes, his eyes were enough to make you feel like, sinking, drowning, dying.

"Don't I make you feel happy?"

"You make me feel so happy that it turns back to sadness," your bottom lip jutting out.

"There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have, and you why? Because all my life, I lost so many things that I don't want to hope for what I can't have. And I'm so furious at you for making me feel like this."

James moved his hand and rested it on your cheek, making you look at him, he chuckled.

"It's not funny." You said, removing his hand from your cheek. Again resting on your head on his shoulder.

James kept swaying you both, still processing everything that had happened in such a less amount of time. He was slowly feeling you relax around him, the whole night taking a toll on you.

"Hey, honey, you can't sleep like that." He said lowly to you. When you didn't budge, he nudged your head from his shoulder,

"Don't sleep like that." He said, making a frown take over your lips.

"I'm not asleep, my mind is alive." You grumbled in a sleepy voice. You felt his shoulder shake from the soft laugh escaping his lips, making you look up at him.

James could see the exhaustion and sleep in your eyes and decided that it was about time, you both called it a night.

"Alright, I think it's time you leave."

A frown formed on your lips, removing any traces of the sleepy face that you had. A dramatic sigh left your lips, you said,

"Guess, I have to stumble home to my cats. Alone."

"Y/N, you don't have any cat, and you just need to go to your dorm." James said, too used to these kinds of antics, all because of a certain Gryffindor.

You pouted, moving yourself to hug him and resting your head again on his shoulder.

"But, Remus always takes me with him, whenever I'm drunk."

"Yeah, but I'm not Remus, and he might actually murder me for doing so."

You looked up at him, trying your best to do puppy-dog eyes. Your idea seemed to work as he sighed in defeat.

"Alright, but if Remus kills me in the morning, it will be your fault."

It took time but you both finally reached the Marauders dorm, and there was only one person there. Peter, and he too was sleeping.

James took you and made you sit on one of the beds in the corner. He was still standing over you, looking quite flustered. You ran a hand on the messy bed sheet and looked up at him again to find him filling a glass with water.

"Is this Remus's bed?" You asked.

"Yeah." He said before handing you the glass of water, which you quickly downed and handed him the glass back.

James crouched in front of you and started removing your footwears. You ran a hand through his dark curls and giggled when they got messier than before.

When he was done, he looked up at you, still sitting in the same position, he asked,

"You can sleep here now, Remus will manage, or at least Sirius would be happy to share his bed."

You pouted again at his words, making him frown a bit.

"What happened now?"

"You won't kiss me?" Your question took him by surprise. He didn't expect you to say that.

"What do you mean?"

You tilted your head at side and said,

"You don't like me?" Your voice was small, making him feel bad.

"Is it because of my scars?" Your eyes were slowly filling with tears making James panic. He jumped up and sat beside you, and quickly took your face between his hands. You were slowly sniffing till then, making his heart hurt.

"No darling, why would you think that?"

"My previous boyfriend left me because of that, didn't he?"

James pursued his lips at the thought of your previous boyfriend, remembering how heartbroken you looked that day.

"It's not because of that, love. It's because you are drunk." You scrunched your nose at his words and said,

"Did you just quote those stupid clichè books?"

He raised an eyebrow and said,

"I do remember you loving those cliche books."

"But, I want you to kiss me now." You said while your lower lip jutting out.

"How about, I kiss you in the morning?" He said with a hopeful look on his face.

You whined at his words,

"But James, I am sober enough to remember this."

He sighed in defeat knowing how bad it can get. After a while he said,

"Okay, so I will give you a peck on your forehead right now, then in the morning, I will actually kiss you?" That seemed to work and you quickly agreed. So that night James kissed your forehead and made you fall asleep. And still in your sleepy form, you actually told him how you felt for him,

"You are so gorgeous James."

Bonus:-

When you woke up the next day, you found yourself reliving all those things you did the night before and it certainly didn't help with your headache. You got up from the bed, trying your best to escape before things could get more awkward.

You almost reached the door when someone said your name,

"Y/N?"

You cringed, totally aware of the person to whom the voice belonged.

You turned around and came face to face with your worst fear. You opened your mouth to say something but he cut you off,

"Don't worry, everyone is downstairs. You were sleeping, so I thought it would be better to leave you. I didn't want you to commit an arson as soon as you woke, I have seen the way Moony gets if you wake him up early."

Suddenly there was an awkward silence settled between you two as there was nothing else to say. You clutched your head to stop the throbbing pain in your head.

James noticed this and made you sit on his bed. When you did, he took the spot beside you and handed you a vial. You looked at him confused, the he explained,

"Hangover potion, er—we kind of need it really often." He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. You tried to stop the smile forming on your face and drank the potion.

"Y/N?" He asked, his voice soft, full of warmth. You hummed, your heart beating wildly in your chest.

"Did you mean everything you said last night?"

You turned to face him, only then realising how close you two were. You started feeling lost again in his eyes, so you just hummed.

"Even about the kiss?" He whispered.

"Even about the kiss." And just like that his lips were on yours, moving gently and slowly, afraid that this moment might get lost if used in heat.

Your lips parted after what felt like an eternity, but even that didn't seem enough. He rested his forehead on yours then he said,

"You are so gorgeous, my love."

[boredfanwrites]

Infinitesimal Shift

Am I jumping on the Buddie stuck in an elevator bandwagon during the blackout? Absolutely I am.

- Buck is walking Eddie down to his truck from the apartment when the blackout happens.

- They're two hours out of a 36-hour shift and Eddie wanted to shower before picking Chris up from his Abuela's.

- Buck's apartment was closer to the station - not to mention Eddie had met Buck before their shift and carpooled in the Jeep.

- Either way, they're stuck between the second and third floor when the blackout strikes.

- The elevator lurches loudly, metal grinds and the boys plaster themselves against the wall as it jolts to a stop.

- They're both on their phones in an instant, no signal and the electronic alarm obviously isn't working.

- 'I think my landlord said there was a failsafe alarm built into these that works off its own battery,' Buck says, trying to pull off the panel.

- Eddie hums, sitting down with his back against the wall of the elevator, watching the blonde finally manage to get behind the panel.

- Buck's right, of course. They hear a ringing bell.

- 'Hopefully, landlord hears that and calls dispatch.'

- 'Dispatch? Who also probably have no power?'

- 'I did not think that far ahead.'

- Buck takes a seat next to Eddie and they sit in silence for a few minutes.

- Buck keeps looking at Eddie, making sure he isn't panicking. They've both had their share of small spaces, but he knows Eddie isn't quite over the well.

- Eddie can feel Buck's staring and makes a point to not look at him. If he looks at Buck then he'll smile and Eddie will smile back and all the feelings he's been ignoring dealing with will come out.

- He fails.

- In less than 30 seconds after thinking it.

- 'What?'

- 'Just making sure you're ok.'

- Because of course Buck's first concern is Eddie's well-being.

- 'Are you?'

- 'Coping,' he laughs weakly. 'Did you know we're more likely to die in a shark attack than an elevator?'

- 'Surely that's the other way around?'

- 'Yeah, I think it might be. I was just trying to lighten the mood.'

- And wow, Eddie thinks, I'm such a jerk.

- He'd gotten used to bantering around with Buck. Sarcasm disguising his endless fondness for the younger man.

- Now isn't the time.

- 'I'm glad I decided to walk you down, so you're not in the elevator alone,' Buck starts rambling. 'Not that I wouldn't have come to check up on you if you had gone alone. I would've run out the second everything went dark. Maybe we should've taken the stairs. I mean I know it was a joke 'cause that was your first shift back and you're not quite in the same shape you were a couple months ago and...'

- It's adorable. It is. It's all Eddie can think and focus on.

- He knows Buck is doing it as a distraction from their situation but right now it's making him fall more in love with the man.

- He has to do something. Say something.

- 'Ana and I broke up.'

- Buck stops short. He stares at Eddie for a bit and the older man shrinks under his gaze.

- Neither say anything for a while and Buck tries the failsafe alarm again.

- Eddie stares at Buck's back, straining his eyes at the height. He's trying to telepathically get Buck to speak because he doesn't want to have to explain.

- He doesn't know how to.

- It was an inevitable event.

- 'Not long after I was shot, actually. Maybe two weeks?'

- Buck spins on his heel and stares at him.

- 'You have been single for a month and a half? And you didn't think to tell me until we got stuck in here?'

- 'You were with Taylor?' Eddie knows it's a weak defense.

- 'Why does that matter?!' And Buck sees right through it.

- 'I don't know. I just thought that maybe you'd want to focus on your own love life for once, instead of getting dragged in to the end of mine. Again.'

- Buck is silent again, judging Eddie from the corner. Feeling out what he should say next.

- Except he doesn't.

- Silence again.

- Eddie complains a lot about needing peace and quiet, but now that he has it, he's not sure he wants it.

- He'd give anything for one of Buck's signature smiles right now.

- That hasn't happened since the elevator first stopped and god how long has it even been.

- Eddie checks his phone. An hour. It's been an hour.

- His background of Chris and Buck smiling and building Lego together mocks him.

- He realizes he would never have made Ana his background and isn't that what couples do?

- 'Hey Buck? What's your cell background?'

- 'You and Chris tackling that pancake stack at Ellie's your last birthday?'

- 'Not Taylor?'

- 'Why would it be Taylor?'

- 'Because she's your girlfriend?'

- 'She's not.'

- Buck sounds exasperated. Like he's had to explain multiple times.

- Eddie guesses he has, back before they were a thing. But he told Eddie she kissed him after he was shot and that the two were going to try dating.

- 'I thought...'

- 'You thought wrong. I couldn't. Don't like her like that anymore.'

- 'Wow you sound like one of Chris' friends with a crush,' it comes out before Eddie can stop it.

- Hurt fills Buck's eyes and Eddie has to look away. He can't deal with being the reason for it.

- 'And if I told you there's someone I'm in love with but can't have? There's someone who actually thinks I'm worthy and deserving of love? But for two months I thought they were taken and I couldn't keep hurting myself anymore so I thought I would move on?'

- Eddie gulps. He can't. He can't be talking about Eddie. Life doesn't work that way. Not for him.

- 'Except I couldn't. It's too soon. I still love him and I can't imagine life without him and now that I know he's single it's all I can think about. Us. How well we work together. How beautiful we could be. Do I sound like an adult again?'

- Buck's glaring but it doesn't have as big of an effect when there are tears in his eyes.

- 'Evan.'

- His face softens. He's smiling at Eddie again.

- Granted, Eddie may have taken some liberties with calling Buck by his first name.

- It was only reserved for serious conversations. Times when Buck needs to listen and believe what was coming out of Eddie's mouth.

- 'I love you, too.'

- 'You do?'

- 'How could I not? I broke up with Ana because I was trying to deal with my feelings for you. I wasn't sure, you know? You're such a big part of my and Chris' life and I was trying to rationalize it as appreciation for you. You do so much for us and never ask for anything in return. But I was wrong. It's love. It's been love for at least a year and I was just too afraid to accept it.'

- Buck just smiles, reaching out a hand.

- Eddie takes it easily.

- He leans into Buck's side, pulling the other's arm around him.

- He knows that Buck is feeling for a heartbeat, Eddie's listening for Buck's too.

- They stay like that until the doors creak open and Albert's face pops between the gap.

- 'Hey, they're not dead!'

- The team gets them out pretty easily and they both agree to come in on shift to help with the fall out of the blackout. It's mostly going to be driving around in the rig, trying to spot problems as they occur.

- Buck walks Eddie to his truck and grabs the extra LAFD hoodie he keeps in there for emergencies.

- The same hoodie that Eddie has stolen on some of the harder nights when he was alone.

- He realizes just how entangled Buck had become in the Diaz's lives. Buck keeps a change of clothes in the truck, Eddie keeps a set of his own in the Jeep.

- Buck has his own drawer at Eddie's house, but Eddie doesn't have anything at Buck's.

- Buck spends more time living on Eddie's couch than either of them spends in the apartment.

- Buck belongs at home. With Chris. With Eddie.

- 'You know, if you moved in with me, you wouldn't get caught in an elevator in a blackout again,' Eddie tries.

- 'Yeah?'

- 'Yeah.'

- Buck moving into the Diaz residence was an inevitable event.

- Eddie was right - the next blackout, Buck didn't get stuck in an elevator. He was surrounded by candles and blankets, cuddled up with his boyfriend and son.

https://ko-fi.com/boredfanwrites

[no-pucks-given]

TYSON JOST | LIGHT MY WAY HOME

A/N: More than 12.000 words later, more than a month after the initial request from Taylor popped up in my notifications. What a freaking ride. My longest fic I've ever written, and maybe even my favourite one. Thank you, to everyone who hyped me up, send me inspo and send me sweet asks. I couldn't have done this without all of you. Special thanks to @dumb-and-dunner, @chicagoblackhawkslover96, @heybarzy and Chrissy (who doesn't have Tumblr unfortunately).

Warnings: Angst, ‘can I strangle him yet?’ Tyson, swearwords, some major character development and (how could I not?!) a happy ending.

Also: Gabe and Melissa Landeskog play a big part in this fic, so if you aren't comfortable with them, you might want to skip this one.

Word Count: 12.1K

Requested: Yes.

The NHL lifestyle, or the ‘popular’ lifestyle was attractive to all young, hormonal boys. You’d known that for a long time. You stood by Tyson’s side when he got drafted into the wicked world of the NHL. Parties, drinking, sex, training until you can barely move, fights, games, wins and losses. It all had it’s charms, but it also had its dangers. Just like any other guy Tyson wanted to experience it all, the whole package,

You assumed you fell under that ‘whole package’, you were his girlfriend for a reason, right? And you did, for a while. You partied together, came home together, did everything together. But the moment Tyson became older and ‘known’ outside the regular hockey fans, that title didn’t mean much anymore. He became more and more the type of guy you didn’t fall in love with, the type to take you for granted, the type to enjoy the attention of other people, other women in particular. You weren’t the jealous type, you didn’t want to claw out the eyes of every woman that looked at him, but you were at a breaking point. Maybe you were jealous, you weren’t jealous of those other women, you were jealous of the attention Tyson gave them. Attention he should’ve been giving to you, his freaking girlfriend.

You were however the loyal type, the type to come home after a long night. And that’s exactly where things went wrong with Tyson. While you were waiting for him at home with a meal, a warm bed or just simply anything else, he was out. You had no idea where he was exactly, he was simply ‘out’, whatever that might mean. You tried to talk to him, you tried to make him see that this wouldn’t end well for either of you, but he simply waved off your concerns, shrugged his shoulders and moved on.

How do you talk to someone who rediscovered himself? How do you talk to someone who thinks he’s on top of the world? How do you save someone from the downfall of success when they don’t want to be saved? You knew one day he’ll come down from this high, one day he’ll realize that he screwed up. One day he’ll come to the conclusion he let something special slip through his fingers, and for what? Fame? Drinks? A rush of adrenaline? One day. But you knew that it wouldn’t be today.

However today is the day that you’re done. Absolutely fed up with all the bullshit excuses Tyson has been feeding you, all the coming home late or not even coming home at all. You have no idea what he’s been up to these last months, he’s barely home. Even when he’s home it’s like he isn’t really there. You can’t even remember the last time the two of you slept together or the last time you actually went to bed at the same time. Breakfast together? A lifetime ago. A lazy day together? Can’t remember. Date night? Months, months ago. Even thinking about it pisses you off to no end, the pain and hurt slowly making place for a new emotion: anger.

It’s frustrating to say the least. You love and take care of him like he means the world to you, and he does. Tyson on the other hand seems to take you for granted, or forgets you’re here at all. It seems like you’re talking to a brick wall instead of your boyfriend. No matter how hard you try, your words have no impact, your tears don’t make him feel anything. It’s like he’s a totally different person. You barely recognize him anymore these days, he feels like a stranger inside the body of the man you love. It feels like you’re both living your life, besides each other instead of with each other. It hurts, that’s for sure.

Like any other day you’ve prepared dinner, put it on the table and sat down on one of the chairs. All you can do now is wait, wait and pray he’ll show up this time. You even texted him, begged him to come home and simply eat dinner with you for a change. Of course you didn’t get a response, of course it’s complete radio silence from his side. God, you were desperate at this point, you don’t even try to deny it.

With every passing minute your hope disappears little by little. You stare at the food on the table until it’s completely dark outside, no sign of Tyson. Hours passed and you barely noticed it, it isn’t until you try to stand up and your muscles ache from sitting in the same position for a long time that you realize how much time actually has passed. “Fuck this, why am I even trying anymore?” you mutter to yourself, shaking your head. This isn’t worth it, it hasn’t been for a long time. Maybe, just maybe you’re finally ready to admit it to yourself.

Deciding to choose yourself over Tyson is a major decision, one you probably should’ve made sooner. It doesn’t matter, what does matter is that you’re choosing you now. You make the split second decision to just grab your stuff, just the necessary stuff. You remember Gabe’s offer, at the time you waved it off with a smile, pretending it wasn’t as bad as it might look to the outside world, but now? You want nothing more than to take him up on his offer. So what’s stopping you?

Even though you were excruciating calm this whole time, the moment you step into your bedroom, or Tyson’s bedroom, you break. This is real, this is really happening. You grab your bags, filling them with some of your stuff. Some clothes, some toiletries, your makeup, everything you might need. It’s a tough job, it’s even harder when you almost can’t see past the tears. At some point you lose track of things you did and didn’t grab, just shoving random items into your bag.

You let out a frustrated sigh, your body sinking down on the floor. In your hands the box containing all your high school love letters, all the small gifts you made each other. Tyson was quite handy, who would’ve thought that? You smile at the memories, sorting through the box. You frown at the feeling surging through your body, is this how heartbreak feels? Looking down at the contents of the box you sigh, wiping away the tears streaming down your face. Why couldn’t life be as simple as it used to be? It shouldn’t be this hard, right? You grab your prom picture between your fingers, smiling sadly at the two people in the picture, both smiling like they just won the lottery, both utterly in love with the other. How time can change..

You throw the box on the bed, maybe it will remind Tyson what the two of you had was special, maybe he’ll realize what he’s about to lose. If it doesn’t, well, it’s his loss. Hauling your bags downstairs is a full workout, you intended to bring ‘just the essentials’ but you have way more important stuff than you originally thought. You aren’t planning on returning to this house any time soon.

Shutting the car door after you loaded in your stuff gives you some form of relief. You let out the breath you’ve been holding in. You made your decision, it’s time to follow through now. You make your way back inside, and into the kitchen. Cleaning up all leftovers from dinner, which obviously is a lot more than you expected. Although.. did you really think he would show up? You shake your head again, putting the leftovers into the fridge. After you finish the dishes you retreat back to the living room, falling down on the couch with a loud sigh. All you can do now is wait.

You could’ve just left and never look back, but that isn’t your style. If you’re going to leave, you’ll do it the right way. You won’t leave without giving him a piece of mind, letting him know he fucked this up for good. You try to focus on the movie playing on the screen, but your heart keeps beating harder and harder, at this point you wish you would’ve just left instead of waiting for Tyson to show up. God, why did you have to do it the right way? Because you know, deep down, you would’ve wanted him to do it the same way. It’s the humane thing to do, it’s only right after spending such a long time together.

The front door opening brings you out of your thoughts. Honestly you don’t even know what time it is, but frankly you don’t care. All you want right now is to get this off your chest and leave. Tyson’s eyes widen when he comes face-to-face with you, surprisingly he doesn’t seem that intoxicated. You suspected he went out, but at this point he could’ve been anywhere.

“You’re still up,” Tyson says, walking past you and flopping down on the couch.

“Yep, and you missed dinner,” you counter, crossing your arms. Tyson simply shrugs his shoulder, clearly not caring enough to explain his absence. “I texted you to make sure you would be here,” you say, even though you know it doesn’t make a difference.

“Yeah, I was busy,” Tyson answers, looking down at his phone.

You almost feel the need to chuckle, to start laughing at his stupid behavior, but this is anything but funny to you, it fucking hurts. “I’m done, Tyson. I’m fucking done,” you say, shaking your head, trying so hard to keep the tears away.

Tyson looks at you with dull eyes, no emotion visible on his face. “Then go to fucking bed, I really can’t deal with your problems right now,” he sighs, turning his head back to the phone in his hand.

Right now, at this moment you know you made the right decision. This isn’t behavior of someone who’s in love, this isn’t even behavior of someone who loves. “You don’t have to deal with me anymore, because I’m leaving. I’m done, we’re done,” you tell him, emphasizing the last part. Tyson’s eyes shoot to yours, the panic clearly written all over his face now.

“No, we’re not. You can’t break up with me, y/n!” he almost shouts at you, standing up from the couch.

“Yes, I can and I will. You don’t get to act like you care all of the sudden, Tyson. You haven’t acted like a boyfriend in months. You haven’t given me any reason to stay, so I won’t. I’m done with whatever this is,” you say, waving between the two of you. Tyson grabs your wrist, tears starting to pool in his eyes. He opens his mouth to say something but you cut him off. “No. No. You don’t get to do this. It’s over. You put on quite a show, but I can’t say it was very entertaining. This curtain fucking closes right now, show is over. You can act like you care, but I know by now that you don’t,” you tell him, ripping your arm out of his grip.

You walk over to the front door, keeping your head high. Now is not the time to break down, your time will come. You hear Tyson behind you, muttering how sorry he is, excuse after excuse leave his mouth. You open the door, turning around one last time to look at Tyson. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry, ‘cause you’re not,” you say while shaking your head. You close the door behind you, not looking back at what you’ve left behind, only looking forward to what’s yet to come.

It’s when you’re in your car mindlessly driving around when you realize you have nowhere to go. You forgot to call Gabe, and it’s probably way too late now. You quickly check the time, 2am, shit that’s late. You doubt he’s still awake, you feel bad for even thinking about waking him up. Two young children, both of them under the age of 2, and being a professional hockey player probably cost him enough energy already, you don’t need to add to that. “He did say I could always call him when I made my decision,” you say out loud, more to convince yourself that it’s okay than anything else.

You easily find Gabe’s contact, immediately pressing the dial button before you change your mind again. The line only rings twice before Gabe picks up. “I’m guessing you either finally broke up with him or there’s a fire somewhere,” Gabe says from the other side of the line. You chuckle, shaking your head. “And since you’re calling me and not the fire department, my guess is on the first one,” Gabe continues, trying to make you smile some more.

“I did it, I broke up with him, couldn’t stand to be there any second longer,” you sigh, brushing your fingers through your hair.

You hear Gabe’s sigh of relief. “I’m proud of you, y/n. I know this isn’t what you had in mind, but it’s better like this, I promise.”

Gabe turned into one of your best friends over time, Melissa is the older sister you never had and you love their children like they’re your own. Gabe and Melissa welcomed you into their family immediately after meeting you. You hadn’t expected to make friends and you definitely didn’t expect to make friends with the captain and his wife, but you’re so grateful you did. The support you receive from them is overwhelming, you couldn’t wish for better friends. So when Gabe first made you this offer, you were thankful he did, although you were still convinced at that point that Tyson would change.

“Uhm, you know.. that offer you made me? Is that still on the table?” you ask, praying he’ll say ‘yes’, praying you don’t have to sleep in some random hotel tonight.

“Of course, the guestroom is already prepared. Melissa expects you to be here as soon as possible, apparently she ‘really needs to cuddle her little sister’,” Gabe chuckles, you can almost hear him rolling his eyes at his wife.

“Thank you, Gabe. I owe you,” you say softly.

“You don’t. You’re family, y/n,” Gabe says, and you know he means every word he just said. Family. “Now get your ass over here, before Melissa starts a search party,” Gabe chuckles, making you laugh some more, because you know she would. You quickly say your goodbyes, promising you’ll be there in a few minutes. It’s just a short drive from your apartment, or Tyson’s apartment now, to Gabe and Mel’s place.

You kept up your appearance, keeping the tears at bay, but the moment you step out of your car and into Gabe’s arms you’re done. “Come here, I’m so sorry,” Gabe says softly, his hands rubbing soothing circles on your back.

You stand there for a few minutes, simply crying on your best friend’s shoulder, until Melissa squeezes herself between the two of you. “Hush, I need some sister time. Why don’t you grab her stuff?” she says, smiling sweetly at her husband.

Gabe sighs dramatically, sending a wink your way. “Whatever you say, wife.”

Melissa pulls you close to her, an arm around your waist, her head resting on your shoulder. “Come on, I’ll show you your room,” she softly says, leading you into the house. You’ve been here so many times already, but never like this. You’ve never been in a situation like this before, you’re not sure how to handle this. “I can hear the wheels turning in your head. It will be okay,” Melissa says, rubbing your arm soothingly. You sigh, shrugging your shoulders, not sure what to say.

Melissa leads you to your room, pushing you down on the bed, while she takes a seat on the edge of the bed. “I know you’re probably exhausted, but do you want to talk?” Melissa asks softly, her face showing nothing but compassion.

You lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about all that has happened. “I don’t even know what to say, Mel. I don’t even know how I feel right now. I’m just so...” you trail off, not knowing the right words to describe everything that you feel and think right now.

“Confused, relieved, mad?”

You sit back up, looking back at Melissa. “All of the above, I guess? It hurts, but I’m glad I did it. But I also regret it, because I love him, you know? I’m mad he didn’t try harder for me, for us,” you say, trying hard to keep the rush of tears away.

Melissa wraps her arms around you, pulling you close to her. “I know, sweetheart. It will take time, but you’re going to be okay.”

You sigh, knowing she’s right, even though it probably will take more time than just ‘some time’. You did just end a long relationship, it will take a lot of patience and time to work through that. “Thank you, Mel. For letting me stay here,” you mumble against Melissa’s shoulder.

“No need for that. You’re my sister, remember?” Melissa smiles at you.

Gabe softly knocks on the door before opening the door. “Brought your bags, thought you might need them before you go to sleep,” he says, smiling at the sight before him. Your friendship might be unconventional, but he couldn’t care less what other people think about it. Gabe absolutely adores the sister bond you and Mel share, he hoped the two of you would get along, so this? Picture perfect.

“Thanks, Gabe,” you smile at him.

“Do you mind if I steal my wife from you?” Gabe asks, making you and Melissa laugh out loud.

“Nope, she’s all yours,” you chuckle, waving at their retreating backs when they walk out of the room.

You strip out of your clothes, pulling on a sweater. You sigh, realizing you packed some of Tyson’s sweaters out of habit. His smell infiltrates your senses, making it damn hard to keep your emotions under control. It’s right this moment you know exactly how you feel. Heartbroken. The realization that your relationship with Tyson is really over doesn’t give you the satisfaction you hoped for, it doesn’t give you peace, it just fucking hurts. You simply feel hollow, even though deep down you know this was the right choice, this was what needed to happen. You know damn well why you feel so empty, you gave your heart to Tyson a long, long time ago, never expecting to be in a situation you might get it back. You don’t want it back, but you might need it back.

You realize it’s morning when the light softly shines into your room. You sigh, knowing damn well you’re lucky if you slept more than an hour this night. Rolling over you look at the clock on the wall, 9 am, perfect. Deciding it won’t do you any good if you stay in bed any longer, you force yourself out of bed and into the shower. The hot water warms your cold skin, soothing your sore muscles. All the twisting and turning you did all night surely didn’t help the way you feel right now. Why couldn’t life be a bit easier by simply letting the shower wash away all of your hurt, all of your pain? A fresh start, a clean slate.

You slip on some skinny jeans and a soft sweater, not in the mood to even think about doing your makeup. You dry your hair, before making a quick ponytail out of it. You walk down stairs, the chatter and laughter greeting you as soon as you walk into the kitchen. “Morning, guys,” you say, smiling at all the happy faces before you. A round of greetings sound throughout the room.

“How’d you sleep?” Gabe asks you as soon as you sit down next to him with a bowl of cereal.

“Can’t even tell you, suddenly it was 9 am,” you chuckle, shrugging your shoulders at Gabe’s raised eyebrow. “Do you have any idea where my phone is?” you ask Gabe, knowing he grabbed all your stuff out of your car.

“Uhh, I do, but I don’t know if you really want to look at it,” Gabe says, scratching the back of his head before pointing towards the kitchen counter. It’s your turn to raise your eyebrows, walking over to where Gabe’s pointing at.

You unlock your phone, quickly checking your notifications. “Oh damn,” you mutter, looking at the absurd amount of missed calls and messages left by none other than Tyson himself.

You sit back down next to Gabe, dropping your head on your arms. “What do I do now, Gabe?” you groan. “Why does he care all of the sudden?”

Gabe rubs his hand over your back before answering your question. “Because he lost you, y/n. He never thought he would.” You turn your head towards Gabe letting his words sink in.

Gabe gets ready to leave for practice shortly after you settle on the couch with Lucas in your arms. The little man has a fascination with your hair, maybe it’s all babies who have that, but you like to think that you’re special. “Don’t pull out all y/n’s hair, baby boy,” Gabe chuckles, giving his boy a soft kiss on his head. He gives you a kiss on your cheek, softly squeezing your shoulder. You open your mouth to say something, but Gabe cuts you off. “I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry about it, I’m his captain, but I’m your friend, okay? Just relax, make sure Lucas doesn’t puke on you and go do whatever it is that you women do all day,” Gabe chuckles, knowing you better than you know yourself. You mouth a quick ‘thank you’ to him, wishing him good luck with practice before he runs through the house trying to find his girls to kiss them goodbye.

“Your daddy is a good guy, you know that, Lucas?” you smile at the baby on your lap. Lucas coos, his hands grabbing onto the strands of your hair. “Your daddy and mommy make me feel so loved, even though their children like to see me in pain,” you joke, trying to free your hair from Lucas’s small hands. “Buddy, you’re way stronger than you look,” you mumble, when Lucas pulls on your hair again.

Melissa laughs out loud the moment she walks into the living room. “How many times did I tell you that you need to keep your hair away from him and his grabby hands?” she says, expertly freeing your hair from her son’s fists.

“Apparently not enough times,” you chuckle at her. Melissa joins you on the couch, while Linnea Rae plays on the ground with some of her toys, happily showing you what she got every now and then. It’s times like this that you’re extra grateful for Melissa and Gabe, the way they welcomed you into their family has been nothing but perfect.

“So, what’s going through that pretty head of yours?” Melissa asks, while scrolling through series to watch on Netflix.

You shrug your shoulders. “I don’t know, I’m kind of worried about practice, I think? I don’t want to put Gabe in this position,” you say, keeping your eyes on Lucas.

“You know Gabe would do anything for you, huh? You don’t know how many times he came home utterly frustrated by the way Tyson treated you. He never said anything, because you were still with him, I can’t promise you he will stay quiet this time,” Melissa says, squeezing your shoulder. “He’ll be fine, this isn’t Gabe’s first rodeo.”

You look at Melissa, who simply gives you a wink. “I know, I know. I just don’t want him to get in trouble or anything,” you say, smiling back at her. You trust and know Gabe, so hopefully there won’t be a lot of trouble today.

“If he does though, he probably deserves it.”

Gabe surprises you all with some takeaway when he gets home from practice. It’s been nice eating with other people for change, it’s been way too long. The amount of lonely dinners has been through the roof lately. Gabe nudges you with his elbow, causing you to look up at him. “No frowning at the table.”

Melissa rolls her eyes at her husband while you just stick out your tongue at him. “Sure, dad,” you say, causing Melissa to almost choke on her bite of food before she lets out a loud laugh.

“Yeah, dad. Leave us alone,” Melissa laughs, winking at her husband. Gabe shakes his head at you and Melissa, a grin plastered on his face.

It’s during dessert you find the courage to ask about Tyson. You weren’t sure if you needed to ask Gabe, you weren’t even sure if you wanted to know anything, but now you know you do. “So, did anything happen during practice?” you ask him, playing around with your spoon.

Gabe shakes his head, giving you a small smile. “Not much, just some chirping. Told him I’m his captain and he needs to fucking focus on practice. That seemed to do the trick,” Gabe says, shrugging his shoulders, continuing to eat his dessert.

You look across the table at Melissa who has the same expression on her face as you. Not convincing at all. ‘Sure,’ Melissa mouths at you from across the table. You shake your head at her, furrowing your eyebrows at Gabe’s statement. ‘Nope,’ you mouth back at her, finishing your dessert. You decide to let it go, you don’t even know why you care so much. You shouldn’t, right? You broke things off with Tyson, so why do you care so much what he does and thinks? The answer to that question is pretty simple the longer you think about it. Because you still love him, that’s why.

You thank everyone for dinner and dessert, promising to cook something from them later this week. Right now all you can think about is your bed and a decent night of sleep. God, that sounds like a true dream right now. You strip out of your clothes, crawling into the soft and cozy bed. It doesn’t take long before you fall asleep, showing just how exhausted you truly are.

The weeks that follow are filled with all kinds of activities, the 5 of you falling back into a comfortable rhythm, surprising you considering the situation you’re in. It isn’t every day you take in the ex-girlfriend of one of your teammates, or your best friend, whatever way you want to see things. When you aren’t working you spend a lot of time with the kids, trying to make things easier for Melissa and Gabe whenever they are busy or simply need some time for the two of them. You happily take on some of their care, even if it’s as simple as making sure they get their food in time. Honestly they are two of the sweetest children you’ve ever come across, they always find ways to make you laugh, even though most of the time it isn’t on purpose.

It’s been quiet around the house tonight, Melissa went out with a few of her friends, while she left Gabe and the kids with you. Apparently she needed some ‘alone time’ which didn’t include kids, and definitely didn’t include Gabe after he mentioned he wanted some ‘alone time’ with her as well. You love their friendly bickering, the love they have for each other visible in everything they do. So when Melissa gave her husband a dirty look and flipped him the bird the only logical thing to do was to start laughing at their exchange. “Have fun with them, sweetheart!” Melissa had yelled at you when she walked through the door, leaving the four of you behind.

Together you decide to just have a movie night. It’s late enough for both children to be asleep already, yet early enough to squeeze in a full size movie marathon. “Gladiatorrrrr!” Gabe exclaims excitedly while scrolling through the movie selection on Netflix, pausing on his all-time favorite movie.

You groan, covering your face with your hands. “Please no, have mercy, Gabe,” you laugh, knowing damn well you’re going to sit through this movie again. How many times has it been already? 12? You wouldn’t even be surprised. This dude really loves his movie. You look at Gabe from between your fingers, seeing the look on his face which makes you groan even more. “Fineeee, one more time, Gabe. One more time,” you whine at him, secretly enjoying his taste in movies, something you don’t plan on telling him ever.

It’s a little after 10pm when the doorbell rings. You look at Gabe, who looks just as surprised as you are. “It’s a bit early for Mel, don’t you think?” Gabe asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Definitely, unless she drank the whole bottle of champagne again,” you chuckle, thinking back at one of the craziest parties you’ve ever been to with Mel and Gabe.

“Oh God, please don’t remind me of that,” Gabe shudders at the memory of that night, standing up to see who’s on the other side of the door.

Gabe hates to say that he isn’t surprised to see Tyson’s face as soon as he opens the door. Honestly he had expected him at his door days, maybe even weeks ago. The moment Tyson found out you were staying with Gabe he broke, Gabe expected him to fight, to yell, to scream, he expected him to do anything except cry. Which is exactly what Tyson did, breaking down in the middle of practice. For a moment the whole place went quiet, only Tyson’s cries echoing throughout the building. No one knew how to act, no one knew what to do, until Gabe realized he’s the captain for a reason. On and off the ice. It was a weird experience, one Gabe still feels extremely conflicted about. He comforted his teammate, his friend, while his other friend was at his home, utterly heartbroken, trying to get over the guy who was bawling his eyes out on the ice.

After Tyson got over the initial shock the anger took over, just as Gabe expected. It made him almost drop the gloves, something he tried to avoid, not wanting to hurt Tyson. He let him say his things, things that absolutely didn’t make any sense, until he got everything out of his system. “Now can we continue this fucking practice, Jost?” Gabe told him after everything calmed down. Gabe tried to avoid the Tyson/y/n topic as much as possible after that, not wanting to get in the middle of things more than he already was. Until tonight apparently.

Gabe raises an eyebrow at the boy before him. “Why are you here, Tyson?” Gabe sighs, already knowing the answer to that question.

Tyson looks around, eyes flickering from left to right, clearly uncomfortable being here. “I, uh, can I talk to y/n? I know she’s here,” Tyson asks, scratching the back of his head before putting them back in his pockets.

Gabe shakes his head at him. “You can’t, if she wants to talk to you she will find a way to contact you. As long as you don’t get your shit together and prove to me, but most of all to her, that you’ve changed, I won’t let you anywhere near her,” Gabe declares, starting to get annoyed with the way Tyson acts. There’s no way he lets him close to you until you feel like you’re ready to see him again, no way.

Tyson opens his mouth, but Gabe gives him a look that immediately shuts him up again. “I’m saying this as your captain, and definitely not as your friend right now. Go home and leave her the fuck alone. You had your chance, you fucked up and now you have to deal with the consequences. How you deal with those said consequences is up to you, but I suggest you leave now and think about everything you did and didn’t do, okay?” Tyson nods his head, turning around to walk back to his car.

When he’s a few steps away from his car he turns around, smiling sadly at Gabe. “She’s my home, Gabe. Home doesn’t feel the same without her. You out of all people should understand that.”

Gabe chuckles low, shaking his head at his clueless teammate. “I do. I do know what home feels like, but I never, never choose anyone or anything over my ‘home’. Never. You sure as hell did, time after time,” Gabe says frustratedly, before shutting the door, leaving behind an even more frustrated Tyson.

You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but you caught the sound of Tyson’s voice when you walked to the kitchen, grabbing some more popcorn. You didn’t mean to listen to their conversation, but it felt like you were glued to your place, unable to take another step, unable to do anything but listen.

Gabe walks back into the room, the look on your face immediately letting him know you know. “How much did you hear?” he asks softly, approaching you slowly.

“Enough,” you whisper, before breaking down, no longer able to keep the tears locked away, no longer able to keep your emotions to yourself.

With two steps Gabe is in front of you, grabbing the bowl of popcorn you held onto between your trembling fingers. He guides you back to the couch, urging you to sit down, which is a true challenge for someone who can barely feel the ground they walk on. Gabe wraps his arms around you the moment you sit down, allowing you to cry onto his shoulder as much as you want and need. He whispers sweet nothings while softly brushing your hair out of your face, making sure you have room to breath. Time after time Gabe proves what kind of friend he is, always making sure to be there for you when he’s needed, always doing things with the best intentions. Even if it’s just holding you until you calm down, even if it’s just speaking the truth against Tyson, even if it’s just simply being there for one another.

“Sooner or later he would’ve realized what he lost, what he gave up for an evening of clubbing or God knows what. Apparently it’s sooner rather than later, however make sure you make him work for it, if you ever decide you want to give the two of you another chance,” Gabe softly advises you, when you finally calmed down a bit.

“I will, you know I love him, Gabe. But I don’t know if I should?” you mumble, not sure if it’s a question Gabe has the answer to.

“Sometimes the heart wants what it wants. If he’s serious about you, he will work his ass off to earn back your love and trust, I promise you,” Gabe comforts you, after knowing Tyson for so long he’s positive he knows that Tyson goes above and beyond to get what he wants in life.

Maybe it’s Gabe’s comforting words, maybe it’s knowing deep down Tyson still cares, maybe it’s your own strength, but for the first time in a while you feel a tiny flicker of hope, a little bit of light at the end of the dark tunnel. Maybe, just maybe this was all worth it, maybe this is what needed to happen to get better and move forward. Maybe this is how it was supposed to go.

It’s a weird feeling, knowing your ex still cares about you, but also knowing you aren’t ready to let him back into your life like that. You don’t feel like you’re capable of seeing him yet, let alone talk to him. The need to know how he’s doing, how he’s holding up grows, but also confuses you. It’s simply a weird and confusing situation to be in. Choosing between two, maybe even more ways to handle this, while also waiting for Tyson to make a move, which he obviously can’t since you don’t want to see him or speak to him, is a hard task. A task that will require a lot of thinking. You just need a bit more time to gather your thoughts, give all of your confusing feelings a place, while making sure you put yourself first, you need to put yourself first this time.

So when Gabe invites you to one of his home games a few weeks later you say ‘yes’ right away. It seems like the perfect time and place to see Tyson from a distance again, without putting too much stress on yourself, you can just watch and enjoy the game, you don’t have to force anything. Of course your seats turned out to be way closer to the ice than you expected them to be, although... what did you exactly expect with Gabe? You know he’s been talking to both of you, kind of acting like some sort of messenger. He tried to keep it casual, just slipping in some information during a conversation, but you noticed what he was trying to do. Frankly you’re thankful for his meddling.

Steadily your heart starts to beat faster and faster the more players appear on the ice to warm up. When Gabe appears you aren’t surprised to see Tyson close to him, knowing Gabe they probably had a little chat before they went on the ice. Tyson’s eyes shoot to yours the moment he’s close by, completely forgetting the ability to skate. You gasp when he lands on his ass on the ice, earning himself a round of laughter from the people around him, including Melissa and you. Gabe skates over to him, extending his hand and helping him upright again, but not before clearly telling him he’s ‘a dumbass’. Now that’s something you can agree on.

You know Tyson has something up his sleeve when he skates off to the bench, clearly busying himself with something you can’t see. After a few more stolen glances at each other Tyson skates closer and closer to you, until he’s right in front of the glass. His left hand catches your attention, until he gives you a small and almost shy smile. “Look at him, he’s blushing!” Melissa whispers next to you. You shoot her a quick ‘shut up’ look, before you focus your attention back on Tyson.

Tyson shows you the puck in his gloved hand, mouthing to you to catch it. It takes him two tries before the puck lands on the other side of the glass, safely in your hands. Tyson gives you one last quick smile before he skates off to get ready for the game. Melissa nudges you softly, bringing you back from your thoughts. “So, what’s on there?” she asks, knowing damn well you haven’t even checked.

“I don’t know if I want to look, Mel,” you tell her honestly. Melissa gives you a sad smile, throwing her arm around your shoulders.

“Let’s look together?” she suggests. You don’t know why you’re so nervous, how much can you actually write on a puck? He seemed happy to see you, so there’s no need to be nervous that it’s a bad thing. You look at the puck, turning it around in your hands so you can read the whole thing. ‘Talk after the game?’ is written on the puck, you immediately recognize Tyson’s handwriting and his little smiley face, or.. something that should resemble a smiley face.

“That wasn’t that bad, right?” Melissa asks softly, squeezing your shoulder.

“What if I’m not ready?” you ask her, a question that has been on your mind a lot lately.

“Then you take a step back, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, you don’t have any obligations. But he’s trying, y/n. You’ve heard all of Gabe’s stories, you’ve seen it yourself just now. It can’t hurt to at least talk to him.” You think about Melissa’s words, she does have a point there. Talking is something you should’ve done ages ago, or at least Tyson should’ve done that. So this is progress, he’s at least trying this time, that’s more than he used to do.

It’s hard to keep the smile off your face, you can’t even pinpoint why exactly you’re smiling. Whatever the reason is, it’s a good feeling to smile again. The game sure as hell plays a big part in it, the guys are on fire, scoring goal after goal, never giving the puck away for long. There’s barely any time for you to give Tyson a thumbs up, indicating you’re up for a talk after the game. Whenever you look at Tyson when he’s off the ice he’s smiling, whether it is to himself or to one of his teammates, that smile won’t leave his face.

You follow Melissa down to the locker room after the game is over. You’ve done this so many times, but this time it couldn’t be more different. You greet all the girls who are patiently waiting on their man, getting enough comforting words from them to last you a lifetime. When the door to the locker room opens you come face-to-face with Mikko, someone you haven’t seen in a while. Mikko’s face lights up when he spots you outside the locker room. “y/n! I haven’t seen you in so long,” he says, while hugging you tightly.

“I missed you too, goof. It’s great to see you,” you smile at him, wiggling out of his iron grip. Dude’s definitely stronger than he looks.

“Between you and me, Tyson’s a good kid, he just needed to grow up a bit,” Mikko whispers against your ear, before leaving you alone again.

You raise your eyebrow at Melissa, who just shrugs her shoulders. Weird. After a few more minutes Gabe and Tyson appear in front of you, both of them joking around. Tyson nervously looks around, not sure if he should come any closer. Gabe hugs you swiftly before throwing his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “Make sure you bring her home safely, Jost,” Gabe warns him, before quickly saying goodbye to both of you.

You watch them leave, your mouth agape by the way they just left you here. Rude. “Did they just really do that?” you ask no one in particular, still shocked by their actions.

You turn around, looking back at Tyson, who still appears to be nervous. Is he nervous to talk to you? Why would he be nervous? It’s just you. “Hi there,” you smile, looking up at the man in front of you.

“Hi beautiful, it was nice seeing you tonight,” Tyson softly says, giving you a small smile.

Your insides flutter with his use of words, it’s nice hearing them even though you’re not completely sure if he means them the way you hope he does. “It was. You played great, I had a lot of fun,” you say, smiling at the proud look that crosses Tyson’s face for a moment.

Tyson leads you back to the rink, which is now completely deserted, thinking it would be a nice place to chat. For a while the two of you fall back into small talk, ‘how’s life?’, ‘how’s work?’, all that bullshit. You know Tyson and you are avoiding the actual topic that needs to be discussed, or topics? Whatever it is, there’s a lot to talk about. “I missed it here, I forgot how much I loved being here,” you tell Tyson, looking at the lights that lighten up the place, thinking back at the memories full of fun and happiness you both created here.

“I missed you, baby,” Tyson blurts out, completely catching you off guard.

Your eyes shoot back to his, you feel the panic rising inside your body. “Tyson...,” you start, warning him he’s walking on thin ice here.

Tyson’s face falls a bit, seeing the anxious look on your face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Tyson groans, rubbing his face harshly, utterly frustrated with himself and the situation.

It’s quiet for a minute, both of you completely lost in thoughts. “Why is this so hard? We used to be able to talk about anything and everything. What changed, y/n?” Tyson wonders out loud.

You feel a painful pang in your heart, because you know damn well what changed. “You did, Tyson. You changed,” you almost whisper, the truth behind those words more clear than ever before.

You watch as Tyson’s whole composure changes in the blink of an eye, in just a split second he goes from the ‘happy’ guy to the guy who’s just as heartbroken as you are. “I did, didn’t I?” Tyson whispers, the tears pooling in his eyes. “I fucked this up, how could I be so stupid?” he mumbles, burying in face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, I regret this more than I could ever admit to you. I’m so sorry, baby,” Tyson cries, trying to keep his eyes focused on you. It’s hard to keep your own tears at bay when the guy you love so much has a breakdown in front of you, so you don’t. You just let them fall.

You don’t make a move to comfort him, you do give him room to let it all out, give him time to gather his composure again. “I looked through the box, the one you left on our bed?” Tyson says, his voice still broken, still thick with emotion. You nod your head, it was something you hoped he would do. “I had no idea you kept all of that throughout the years,” Tyson smiles weakly at you. “It made me realize what a moron I have been these past few months, maybe even longer,” he continues, shaking his head in disappointment. You listen intently at him, this, this is what you hoped for all this time: realization.

“I’m not telling you that you weren’t a moron, because you absolutely were. But I’m glad you came to the same conclusion.”

Tyson chuckles at your statement, giving you half a smile. “I know, I’m a dumbass. I’m a dumbass for acting this way and a dumbass for letting you go. Any guy would be on top of the world with you by his side, and I just let you slip through my fingers,” Tyson tells you, finally showing he knows he’s been a fool all this time, he knows he let something special go.

“Is it too late for us? Can you give us another chance?” Tysons asks you, his eyes flickering between you and the ground.

You sigh softly, knowing this question would come. It’s something you gave a lot of thought, something that crossed your mind daily. “I don’t know, Tyson. I really don’t know. You really fucking hurt me, you know? I can’t just look past that, I need to heal from that,” you tell him. Tyson nods his head, a guilty expression on his face. “You made me feel worthless every single day. You didn’t even give me a second of your time day after day. All you cared about was being away. Being away from me?”

It’s right that moment Tyson interrupts you by grabbing your hands. “No. No. That’s not true, you need to believe me,” he tells you as fast as he can.

“But how can I believe you when you never gave me a reason to? Your actions showed me exactly that, Tyson. I need answers, I need to know why,” you exclaim, starting to panic again, your anxiety taking over.

“Easy, baby. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, everything you want, but right now I need you to breath. Breathe, baby,” Tyson says softly, trying to calm your shallow breathing back down to normal. “Listen to my breathing, try to follow the way I breathe.” You do as he says, following the rise and fall of his chest, gaining back control of your own breathing.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize, while Tyson just shakes his head at you, letting you know it’s okay. “Can you take me home, Ty? We can talk later, okay?” you ask him, suddenly feeling the need to crawl underneath the covers of your bed and just simply sleep for a while.

“Anything you want, y/n,” Tyson says, leading you out of the room and back to his car. You’re pretty sure he mumbled something under his breath, something very closely resembling ‘your home isn’t there, it’s with me’.

The drive to Gabe takes longer than expected, giving you more time to think about Tyson’s earlier question. You still need and want to know how he spent his nights, where he spent his nights, and why he acted like you didn’t exist. That conversation might need to wait until another day, you aren’t up for any more information, any more realizations, you still need to process everything you heard, saw and felt today.

Tyson stops the car in front of Gabe’s house, looking back at you with hopeful eyes. You know he still hopes he gets an answer to his earlier question, and you want to give him at least that. “You need to show me you changed, Tyson. Show me you changed for real and I’ll try to get past everything that happened. I can’t promise you anything,” you tell him softly, meaning everything you just said.

Tyson nods his head, a smile of relief on his lips. “I will, I promise you I will show you I changed and that you’re everything to me. I promise, baby.”

So that’s exactly what Tyson does the next few weeks, every free moment he tries to show you just how much you mean to him, without smothering you. Whether it’s taking you out for dinner, although you’re still waiting for Tyson to actually make you dinner by himself one day, to small coffee dates and fresh flowers at work. It’s been a lot to process, a lot of adjusting to this ‘new’ Tyson, or rather seeing the ‘old’ Tyson again. And you missed him, God you missed him so much.

Tyson seems happier, more at peace with himself these days, it’s a pleasant change. Often you wondered what was really going on inside his head, but you stopped trying after he waved it off again, and again, and again. The late night phone calls, or facetiming during road trips have become a habit again, something you didn’t think you would ever experience again with him. You still take things slow with Tyson, deciding to rather allow yourself to slowly start trusting him again than diving head first into a relationship again. Maybe it will never come that far again, you don’t know how the future will look like for the two of you, but for now it’s enough.

You come face-to-face with a smirking Melissa when you get home from yet another ‘iced coffee and donut’ date, even though you’re pretty sure Tyson isn’t allowed to eat any donuts. “Oh no,” you groan at Melissa’s expression.

“It’s time we have a little sister-sister conversation, don’t you think?” she asks you, ushering you into the living room.

“Do we?” you groan again, not in the mood to handle whatever Melissa wants to talk about now, because you already know it’s either about you, Tyson or you and Tyson.

Melissa flops down on the couch, patting the place next to her, indicating for you to sit your ass down. “Did you already talk to him about it?” she asks, straight to point in pure Melissa-style.

You let your head fall back against the cushions, sighing loudly. “I didn’t. We’re doing great, we’re having fun. I’m going to ruin it if I start asking questions again.”

Melissa stays quiet for a minute, trying to figure out the right way to approach this sensitive topic. “You know you deserve the truth, right? You can’t rebuild a relationship when not everything’s on the table, sweetheart,” Melissa says softly, knowing you’re struggling with this.

“I promise I’ll talk to him after the road trip, I don’t want to create any unnecessary negative energy before,” you promise Melissa, although she gives you a ‘who are you trying to fool here’ look before switching topics.

A few days later you find yourself back at Tyson’s place. It’s weird being here, knowing you don’t live here anymore. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing, Tyson kept everything the way you did, whether it’s out of laziness or out of hope you’ll come back on day. Either way it’s weird coming back to a place that’s no longer your home. You came here to talk, nothing more nothing less. You promised Mel you would, and if you’re being honest with yourself it’s time to know the truth, time to reopen old wounds and finally get some answers. You’ve grown closer and closer to Tyson, without knowing everything, without knowing you’d be able to forgive him if he ever made a misstep. It’s time.

Tyson has been a nervous wreck ever since you called him last night after he returned from the road trip to St. Louis. He knew this was coming, but he prayed you would simply forget, even though he knows that’s not fair at all. He can’t excuse his behavior, and he won’t, not anymore. You deserve nothing but the truth, the full truth. He’s not proud of it, but you leaving him opened his eyes, showed him he really needed to change. Tyson feels like that’s something he truly did, he changed for the better, he can only hope you’ll feel the same way. He can only hope you’re still on the same path after tonight.

“You did great these last games, Ty,” you smile at him. You’re proud of the way he’s been performing these last couple of games, he really stepped up his game.

“I know you didn’t come here to talk about my performances on the ice, so can we please skip the pleasantries?” Tyson sighs, catching you completely off guard with his rather harsh approach. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way, I’ve just been so fucking nervous since you called me,” Tyson curses, frustratedly brushing his fingers through his curls.

“You’re right though, I did come to talk. I think it’s time we lay all our cards on the table,” you tell him, nodding at your own answer.

You nervously bite on your lip, playing with the cup of water in your hand. It isn’t every day you ask your ex these questions. Questions you want the answers to, question you maybe don’t even want to hear the answers of. “I need to know if you cheated on me, Ty,” you blurt out, keeping your eyes on the ground, not wanting to see the look on Tyson’s face.

“Look at me, baby,” Tyson says, urging you to look up at him. “I never cheated on you, I wouldn’t do that to you. I promise.”

You shake your head at him, not knowing what to do with these emotions surging through your body. “It doesn’t make sense, Ty. Where were you all those nights? Where were you every time I lay in bed alone waiting for my boyfriend to come home? Waiting if he actually comes home this time or stays out all night again? Where were you?” At this point you’re past the civil conversations, past the friendly banter, you need answers, you need to know why he did what he did. The reason doesn’t even matter at this point, you need to know why. Why did he leave you alone so many nights, worrying about his well being, worrying about if he would come home at some point?

“Fuck, y/n! I know I fucked up, I know I did. But I swear on everything, I swear on my career, I swear on you that I never, never, touched another woman. I never kissed another woman, I never even danced with another woman, I did not cheat on you,” Tyson exclaims, hoping, praying you hear what he’s saying, that you’ll believe him. He didn’t do anything with another person, it was always you, it still is only you and he’ll do everything in his power to prove that to you every damn day.

“Then where were you, Ty? If you weren’t with another woman, then where the fuck were you every night you didn’t came home? Please enlighten me, because I’m so lost, so fucking lost,” you say, feeling utterly frustrated with yourself, with Tyson, with this shitty situation.

Tyson takes a deep breath, placing his cup back on the table. “Shitfaced drunk to the point I couldn’t even remember my own name, or so stoned I saw freaking elephants running all around town. Spending my money on unnecessary shit at clubs and bars, all to forget, trying to forget the fact that I had a perfect girlfriend waiting for me at home, while I did stupid shit. Fuck, this sounds even worse out loud than in my head,” Tyson groans, burying his face in his hands.

“But...,” you start, before Tyson cuts you off.

“I felt ashamed and guilty, y/n. Ashamed I let it get that far every time, guilty I didn’t tell you, guilty I didn’t come home again. One of the guys would just take me back to their place out of sympathy, letting me crash on their couch, trying to sleep off my haze.”

You try to come up with words to say, with anything but nothing comes out, you just feel.. empty? “I don’t understand, Tyson,” you say, at this point not even sure what you don’t understand.

“I tried, y/n. I tried to just come clean, but I couldn’t when you were so nice all the time, I couldn’t when I knew you would hate it, hate me. You know I’m a fucking lightweight, that makes it even worse. But those are no excuses, there aren’t any. I fucked up,” Tyson sighs, giving you a sad smile, “I couldn’t face you, I didn’t know how to show you my vulnerable side without letting it change the way you saw me. I didn’t want you to see me any different, but I didn’t notice I changed until you packed your bags and left me standing in the doorway.”

You’re absolutely speechless, there are so many things you want to say but you can’t form any sentences, any words. You just stare at him, your mind racing with an unlimited amount of thoughts. “Are you okay, baby?” Tyson asks softly, reaching out to put his hand on your arm.

You shake your head from side to side, wiping away the tears that spilled out. “I’m not okay, I’m definitely not okay,” you tell him. “I feel terrible knowing you didn’t feel like you could come to me, like you couldn’t talk to me. I’ve always been your biggest supporter, nothing would’ve changed that, Ty.”

Tyson gently wipes the tears away from underneath your eyes, scooting closer to where you’re seated. “Come here, baby,” he softly says, opening his arms for you. You hesitate for a second, not knowing if this is the right thing to do. Fuck the right thing, you definitely need a hug right now, and judging by Tyson’s facial expression he needs one as well. You lean forward, putting your arms around his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of his body. How long has it been since you hugged each other? You can’t even remember, way too long. Tyson closes his arms around you, pulling you as close as possible to his own body.

“I missed this, Ty. I missed you,” you confess, the feeling of his arms around you, the feeling of Tyson, bringing back so many memories, so many happier times.

“I know we still have a long way to go, but I hope we’ll do this together. I can’t even tell you how great it feels to have my arms around you again, even if it’s just for a moment,” Tyson says, after you both let go of each other.

“We do, but I’m in if you’re in, Ty,” you agree, wanting nothing more than to work through the issues you still have. It’s time to forgive, time to let go, time to change and time to move on.

“I’m all in.”

The talk you had with Tyson that Wednesday evening did wonders for the both of you. You still had a long way to go before you were even remotely close to where you used to be with Tyson, but the most important thing was that you were working on things. Slowly, but steadily the two of you worked on trusting each other again, telling each other important things again, just simply working on being in a healthy relationship again. Although the word never came up, you were nowhere near ready for that commitment, so you settled on something less intimidating. Friends.

It was supposed to be a regular, normal Friday evening with just Melissa and the kids. Gabe and Tyson were playing one of their most important games this season, both of them begged you to come, but it was too late to find a babysitter. Not wanting to be by yourself there and leaving Mel alone, you decided to sit this one out as well, promising to cheer them on in front of the tv. It’s the least you could do. So there you are, seated on the couch wearing your Jost jersey for the very first time again, just as you promised. Weird, like nothing ever changed, even though the exact opposite is true.

You’re bouncing a giggling Linnea Rae on your knee, looking down at her adorable mini jersey. “Look it’s your daddy!” you exclaim excitedly, pointing at the closeup shot of Gabe.

“Daddy!” Linnea Rae giggles just as excited.

You catch Mel softly smiling at your little interaction with her daughter, enjoying the love you share for each other. It’s been a blessing to have you around here, the way you care for her children, but also for her and her husband has been phenomenal. Mel couldn’t wish for a better friend, for a better sister than you.

“Oh no,” you whisper when Tyson gets slammed hard into the glass. Melissa grabs your hand, squeezing softly.

“He’s going to be fine, he’s a tough guy,” she says, trying her best to comfort you. And he is, like the tough guy Tyson is, he gets up again, shaking off the hard hit. The game continues and you’re glad Tyson is fine, skating like he didn’t just get squeezed between a glass wall and a 200 pound hockey player.

All goes well until Gabe decides the best place to smack his stick is directly against Tyson’s face, again. “Not his face, Gabe! Not his fucking face again!” you yell at the screen, thanking Mel for already putting the kids to sleep.

“Shit, that looks bad,” Melissa almost whispers, squeezing your hand again.

You don’t know many things for sure in life, but you sure as hell know Tyson will be spotting a black eye for weeks. But like the tough guy he already proved to be, he just goes on with the game, trying his absolute best to work as hard as he can, giving himself completely to the game, anything to get his team the victory.

“That’s the second time you gave my man a black eye, Gabe. Why do you keep hurting him?” you whine the second Gabe walks into the living room. For a moment the room stays awfully quiet, until you realize what you just said. “I really said that, huh?” you ask, fighting to keep the smile off your face.

“You sure did. But I’m sorry, it was an accident. Again,” Gabe chuckles, shrugging his shoulders.

“Uhu, again,” you say, rolling your eyes at your best friend.

Gabe grins at you, flopping down on the couch next to Mel. “I’ll try not to hurt his pretty face again, okay?” Gabe laughs, shaking his head at you in a playful way.

“Is it weird if I, you know.. went over to check up on him?” you ask your friends, suddenly insecure about the thought of just showing up at his door.

Gabe gives you a soft smile. “I’m absolutely convinced he’d love that, y/n,” Gabe says, pulling Melissa closer to him.

“I know he would, sis,” Melissa agrees with her husband.

“Fine, okay. I’ll be back in a few. Don’t enjoy yourself too much,” you tell the two lovebirds before finding your stuff and almost running out of the front door.

You’re giddy the entire drive to Tyson’s apartment. This could go two ways, either it goes extremely well or this backfires completely. You’re hoping for the first one. Seeing Tyson get hurt gave you some realizations. One of them is that you absolutely hate to see him hurt, and you want nothing more than to be there for him, care for him, to tell him everything will be alright. Which brings you to your second discovery of the evening: you still love him, you’re still completely and utterly in love with Tyson. You can’t, really can’t imagine your life without Tyson in it. It’s your turn to tell him you need him, tell him you don’t want to do anything without him, tell him you still see a future together.

You pick up his favorite comfort food on the way over, cake. You know his nutritionist will hate you for this, but he deserves a treat after taking a stick to the face. You chuckle to yourself when you think of the small cake you bought, it’s stupid and childish, but you love it. The fun you already had makes it absolutely worth it. You park in front of the building, hopping out of the car and quickly making your way over to the floor Tyson occupies.

You rummage around in your coat pocket for the lighter you bought alongside the cake. Quickly placing the cover back into the bag, and lighting up the ‘2’ shaped candle. You snicker to yourself, enjoying this way too much. You knock on the door and patiently wait for Tyson to open up. You hear Tyson approaching, making it harder and harder to keep your composure.

The moment he opens the door his face shifts from slight annoyance, to confused, to happy, and back to confused again. “y/n?” he asks softly, looking between you and the cake, confusion clearly written all over his face.

“Happy second black eye!” you yell, before bursting out in laughter.

Tyson can’t help but join you in your laughter, if there’s one thing he loves about you, it’s your wicked sense of humor. “You really are something special, aren’t you?” Tyson chuckles, shaking his head softly at you, a smile playing on his lips.

“You tell me, Jost,” you say, giving him a wink before walking past him and inside his apartment.

“So you bought me a cake?” Tyson asks you, looking over your shoulder to the cake on his kitchen counter.

“I sure did, thought you’d deserved a treat after what Gabe did to you, again,” you laugh.

“He sure likes to hit me in the face with things. But thank you, this really means a lot to me, baby,” Tyson softly says, squeezing your hip with one of his hands, before grabbing two plates. While Tyson cuts the cake you look for something to drink, deciding water will do for the night.

You flop down on the couch next to Tyson, immediately bringing the fork with a piece of cake to your mouth. “Oh God, that’s so good,” you moan out, you picked some killer cake.

“Don’t make those noises, please,” Tyson groans, stuffing his face with cake.

“I’m sorry I picked such a good freaking cake, mister,” you laugh, nudging him with your foot. Tyson rolls his eyes playfully at you, grabbing your foot with his free hand before you can nudge him again and again.

“Movie?” Tyson asks after you both finished your plates, although Tyson finished the last few bites of your piece. Like he said he’s a needy and hungry man.

“Sure, but just something light and funny, Ty. Nothing dark,” you tell him, knowing he’d love to scare you throughout some horror movie.

While Tyson scrolls through the movies, you make yourself more comfortable on the couch, laying back against the cushions with your feet against Tyson. He looks at you, scanning your body, clearly thinking about something since his eyebrows keep furrowing and relaxing.

“Come here, Tyson,” you softly say when he finally picks a movie to watch, opening your arms for him. His eyes shoot to yours, like he can’t actually believe you just told him that. He gives you a quick smile, before moving towards you, laying down beside you.

He rests his head against your chest, just like he used to do so long ago, his arm wrapped around your waist. “Is this okay?” he asks you, making sure you aren’t uncomfortable, even though you’re the one who suggested this.

“It’s perfect, Ty,” you reassure him.

Halfway through the movie you can’t resist the temptation to run your fingers through his curls any longer. Tyson groans softly when your nails rake over his scalp, sending chill through your body. “That’s so good, please never stop doing that,” he groans out, pulling you tighter against him.

“I wasn’t planning on it, Ty,” you tell him, smiling at the way his eyes shoot to yours.

“You aren’t? Are you serious?” he asks you quietly, eyes still locked on yours.

“I am, love. I came to the conclusion that you’re worth all the risks in life. You’re my light, my guiding light in darkness, my light at the end of the tunnel,” you say, leaving a soft kiss on his forehead. You try to express your emotions towards Tyson, trying to make him feel what you felt when you came to the sudden realization he’s worth taking a risk.

“What does that mean, baby?” Tyson asks you softly, an uncertain smile on his lips.

“It means I’m willing to give us another shot, another go. I want to try again, Ty.”

You can’t help the smile that forms on your lips when you look at Tyson’s face, the realization setting in, the happiness and the gratefulness spreading all over his face, the relief flooding through his body.

“How does that work?” Tyson asks again, clearly trying to rid himself of any insecurities, any questions he has. You gladly take those insecurities away from him.

“A clean slate, completely starting over again to give us both a fresh start. How does that sound?” you ask him.

Tyson nods at you, the happiness radiation off him. “A fresh start, I like the sound of that,” Tyson muses. The changes on his face fascinates you, it seems like he goes through a whole range of emotions in just a few minutes. Until he reaches one you know all too well, mischief. He looks at you, the familiar glimmer in his eyes tells you he’s definitely up to something. He sends you a soft and sweet smile, that almost melts you into a puddle right there and then. “Hi, I’m Tyson,” he says, extending his hand to you. You can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of you, this is exactly how Tyson is. Funny, charming, an absolute dream.

“You’re a goof, you know that?” you tell him, softly shaking your head at him, but the big grin on your face tells him you loved that. Tyson intertwined his fingers with yours, squeezing softly. When he doesn’t make any other moves you take matters into your own hand, slowly leaning in and softly pressing your lips on his. The familiarity, the rush of emotion flooding through your body hits you like a ton of bricks. The feeling of his lips against yours light something deep inside of you, and just like that you finally feel complete again.

[wlntrsldler]

Hey! For the Taylor Swift / Harry Potter prompt thing could you please do Fred and I Think He Knows? Much thanks!!❤️❤️

PROMPT: based on i think he knows by taylor swift (an installment of my taylor swift x harry potter series. to read more about it, click here) Y/N drunkenly confesses her feelings. 

WC: 2.1K+

HARRY POTTER MASTERLIST

-

i think he knows (f.w one shot)

“Ron,” you hissed from across the table. The boy remained oblivious, munching down on the pile of breakfast he dumped on his plate. He seemed to inhale the food, nevermind with chewing and actually tasting it. He just swallowed it in large pieces to make room in his mouth for some more eggs and hashbrowns. You flicked a piece of balled up napkins towards him, “Ron!”

“Blimey, Y/N,” he finally looked away from his food and shot you an annoyed look. “What the hell is going on with you?” 

“I think he knows,” you whispered, chewing on your bottom lip, nervously. 

“Who? Fred?”

You rolled your eyes, looking over to where the older twin sat a few people away from the both of you, “Who else, you idiot? Yes Fred!” 

“I doubt it,” Ron shrugged, returning to his plate of food, like you were just a distraction to him, not much of a best friend. “He’s an oblivious git. He probably doesn’t know.”

“Probably?!” you half shrieked, half whispered. It was loud enough for the twins to hear, looking at you concernedly. You sent a shy wave their way and hid behind the comfort of your hands. “I want to jump off the Astronomy tower.” 

“Well, he’s gonna find out if you keep acting like this, Y/N,” he stated, obviously. Again, you flicked a balled up napkin his way, not really appreciating his tone with you. He flicked it back, “I’m just saying, stop acting suspicious and just act normal.”

Act normal, you thought, that’s easy enough, right? 

But what the hell does normal even mean?

-

You knew you probably shouldn’t have drank so much. Your tolerance has deteriorated tremendously after not drinking for a year but when Angelina kept offering you shots, you couldn’t refuse. Now, the common room seemed to spin around after each step you took, leading you back to where you started. Right beside the table of half eaten snacks and spiked drinks. 

The Gryffindor team won the Quidditch match today and after a long, hard, school week, the team decided it would be best to blow off some steam with a little party. Fred and George were across the room, surrounded by a group of adoring, young Gryffindors. They gushed around them, complimenting them on their amazing plays in today’s match. You knew they loved the attention with the way Fred couldn’t keep the twinkle in his eye subdued for too long and the way George nudged his brother’s side every time someone reenacted one of their moves. It wasn’t hard to believe that they were some of the most popular boys to ever strut on campus. 

You took baby sips from your cup, watching the older twin intently. He wore a cozy-looking jumper, like his twin, making you think about how nice it would be to sleep in it with his scent filling your senses. His hair was a bit longer than usual, the side of it tucked behind his ear. His laughter was the only thing you could hear despite the loud music that Hermione’s Muggle radio played beside your ear. You were so focused on Fred that you didn’t notice Ron staring at you, trying to hold in his laughter. 

“You’re so whipped.” 

Startled, you clutched your chest and turned to your best friend. You smacked his upper arm, irritated that he always seems to catch you when you’re staring at his brother so hopelessly in love. “Can you shut up?” 

Ron laughed, passing you his drink, “You need to get drunk.” 

“Am I not already?” 

“You’re in your ‘I’ll oggle at Fred’ phase drunk,” he explained, shoving his cup with mysterious liquor into your hand. “I need you at your ‘I have no filter so I say things that I’ll regret or will get me in trouble’ phase drunk. I need a good laugh.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, but took the cup, nonetheless. “Aren’t you already having a field day with how pathetic I am pining after your brother?” 

“Sure,” he shrugged, filling the cup up for you again. “But I want you to insult Pansy like last time. That was good fun.” 

You took the drink in his hand, downing the entire liquid. You grimaced as it burned your throat, in a good way. You chuckled at the memory, sending your best friend a wink, “I’d fight Pansy sober.” 

Four more drinks later, you were at that phase. Ron retired a bit early, mumbling something about wanting to get to the dormitories before Harry could stumble in with Ginny and scar him for life. You ignored him, not really wanting to picture that scene in your head. Now, you were bouncing off the walls, spewing out your deepest secrets to anyone that dared to listen. 

You were having good fun until you tried to refill your cup and a hand grabbed yours, preventing you from doing so. You were about to protest when you looked up and saw a redhead. Usually you would be able to tell the twins apart because you know Fred and you know George, but whatever it was that Ron gave you, made your vision so blurry you couldn’t possibly tell them apart. Maybe you just drank too much tonight. 

“I think that’s enough,” he chuckled, pulling the cup away from you. “Want me to take you back to your dormitory?”

You pursed your lips, trying to figure out which twin it was that’s speaking to you. The harder you tried, the harder it seemed to be. They were both handsome, no doubt about it, but with Fred you usually felt your chest tighten and your mouth going dry. The problem is, you’ve drank so much that you emotionally felt numb and your mouth is already dry from the alcohol in your system. Finally, you decided to guess. It’s a 50/50 shot after all. 

“Sure, Georgie, I’d appreciate that,” you mumbled, walking alongside him towards the way to the girls’ dormitories. “Your arsehole of a brother left me by myself. Can you believe that?” 

Fred was almost offended that you couldn’t tell him and George apart, almost. But he took a look at your inebriated state and decided that he’ll let you slide this time. Plus, he heard a lot about your ‘truth serum’ phase drunk but he was yet to experience it, until today. He found it quite charming, but then again, he always found you charming. 

He’s had a crush on you for so long. One day you walked into the Burrow, and suddenly you were no longer his little brother’s best friend. You were Y/N. And he fell head over heels for you. Fred found you funny and gorgeous and sweet and so adorably cute, that sometimes George would have to hit him in the back of the head to get him to stop daydreaming over you. But alas, he thought you only saw him as your best friend’s brother. 

“I’ve got a lot of brothers, Y/N,” he chuckled beside you, arms at the ready in case you were about to fall over. “You’ve got to be more specific than that, love. You talking about Percy? Ron, maybe? Fred?” 

“Well, Percy is an arse but for a whole different reason,” you started, as if pondering the moments that you personally disliked his brother. This pulled out a snort from Fred because he agreed with you. Percy was an arse. You continued, “But no, I’m talking about Ronald, of course! He just leaves me there at a party that he dragged me into!” 

“Yeah, that’s a dick move, innit?” 

“I’d say so,” you hummed. Before you could stop yourself from talking, the alcohol took over your senses. “I’d never call Fred an arse, you see. I think he’s far too fit to be an arse.” 

As you entered your dormitory, Fred’s eyebrows shot up. Did you just call him fit? He led you to your bed, watching fondly as you plopped down on the cushion, “Is that so?” 

“Definitely,” you chuckled, burying your head into your pillow. “Don’t tell him this, Georgie, but I fancy him. I fancy him a lot.” 

“Do you now?” Fred’s cheeks reddened as he watched you nod and smile up at him, eyes droopy. 

“Yeah, I do,” you sat up, raising your pinky up in the air. “Pinky promise me that you won’t tell Freddie? Or-or use that twin telepathy thing that I think you guys have! Please, Georgie, you can’t tell him. I’ll be far too embarrassed if you do.” 

Unable to fight the smile on his face, he linked your pinkies together, “I promise, Y/N. But I don’t think you’d get embarrassed if he found out. Anyone would be lucky to have you have a crush on them.” 

“You’re sweet, Georgie,” you smiled, already half-asleep. “If only Fred thought the same as you.” 

Fred laughed as you dozed off, leaning against your bedpost. He draped a blanket over your small figure and placed a kiss on your temple before whispering, “He does. Goodnight, love.” 

-

“I’m never drinking again,” you groaned, rubbing your head with your hands. Hermione laughed beside you, ushering you to continue walking to get some breakfast to nurse your hangover. “I can’t believe I told George about my crush on Fred.” 

“Well, he’s bound to find out anyway,” she shrugged as you two sat in front of Ron and Harry. 

“Find out what?” Harry asked, not bothering to greet the two girls with a good morning. And to be honest, with the way you looked like you’d just been pulled out of another dimension, he assumed it has not been a good morning so far. 

Hermione giggled as she filled her plate, “Y/N told George about her crush on Fred last night.”

“Correction,” you interrupted, “Drunk Y/N did. Sober Y/N is regretting that decision.” 

“Wait you told George? When?” Ron asked, eyebrows furrowed. “Did you tell him before he came into my room to show me a prototype for their shop?” 

You stared at Ron like he was stupid, “What are you on? He walked me to my room last night.” 

“No, he was in my room last night.” 

“Well, he can’t be at two places at once, can he, Ronald?” you sighed a hint of attitude in your tone, shaking your head at your friend. The table froze, jaws hanging wide, before you caught on. Oh shit. You gasped, clasping your palm over your mouth, “Please tell me I didn’t.”

Ron erupted in unsympathetic giggles, laughing at your pale complexion, “Y/N, you told Fred you fancied him!” 

Eyes wide, you shook your head furiously, “No I didn’t!” 

“Well now we know why you’re not a Ravenclaw,” Harry added, joining Ron in his laughter fit. 

“Shut it, Potter!” you hissed, dropping your head in your hands. This cannot be happening. “Godric, please can the universe just eat me alive now?”

“Well now, he definitely knows.”

“Ronald, stop it.” Hermione poked your side, a terrified look on her face. “Uh, Y/N?”

“What?” Just as you thought things couldn’t get worse, Fred was walking to where you’re sat. Your heart was jumping in your chest. Your palms grew sweaty and you couldn’t stop your foot from nervously tapping on the floor. Should I run, you thought, or should I just act like nothing happened? 

Before you could make a decision, Fred took a seat beside you. 

“Hello, darling,” he grinned, biting his bottom lip. 

You squirmed in your seat, trying to ignore Ron and Harry’s muffled giggles in the back. You gulped, “Hiya, Fred. How you doin’ today?” 

“Lovely, thanks for asking,” he replied, a smile still etched on his face. He cocked his head to the side, “And yours, love?” 

You swallowed down the butterflies that flew in your stomach. You played with your thumbs, unable to look at him in the eye. “Fine.” 

“Good, good.” 

“Yup.” 

“Well, good talking to you,” Fred got up and dusted his pants, leaving you dumbfounded in your seat. Was that it? Well, you thought, that wasn’t so bad. You turned around, offering him a tight-lipped smile out of courtesy, before turning back around and returning to your food. 

“That was anticlimactic, wasn’t it?” Ron frowned. 

“Oh, Y/N,” Fred stopped and walked over to you again. He leaned down so close that you could smell the mint toothpaste he used that morning. His breath tickled your ear, making you shiver. Fred’s lips touched the skin that connected your neck and your ear, pressing a soft kiss there. Then he whispered, “I fancy you, too.” 

He shot you a wink before walking away. You blushed furiously, fingers raising up to trace the place where his lips once were. Grinning at your friends, you breathed out, “I think he knows.”

TAGS:

@rexorangecouny

[river-bottom-nightmare]

Nightwing 79 Review

i said i would and i will. i did like this issue! not as striking and attention grabbing as 78, but i think this issue was meant to be a foundation one, laying out the groundwork for the future. overall, pretty good. also there wasn't enough bitewing. as promised, overly extensive metaphors and me reading too much into things under the cut

i know i've talked about this cover before, but this particular thing is oddly important to me, so i'll talk about it again

this is me, once again screaming about how artists put nightwing in traditionally feminine poses and how every time i see it i just get whiplash. i mean, true, the main reason why is because nightwing is a so often sexualized character, and putting him in these poses just increases the objectification, which is a goal that dc producers have. but there are very few popular male characters that do this. the only one i can think of off the top of my head is deadpool, but that was so obviously a critique and a way to make fun of the media industry. when they draw dick like this, they’re being serious. they’re putting him in appealing poses meant to show him off, and that’s something that’s traditionally only been done to women.

it's a very direct and very loud breaking of traditional gender roles in media, especially for a character as high-profile and historic as dick grayson. colour also plays a factor in this. the entire background is pink. i was absolutely shocked when i first saw it, when the teaser came out, because i cannot think of any comic book covers of male comic heroes this high-profile where pink is even just prevalent in the cover, let alone the majority of the cover. the pink does look beautiful: it offsets and highlights the black and blue of dick's suit gorgeously, but does it with more finesse than orange or red. but the fact that the stylistic choice was made to accent and draw this cover with aesthetic and beauty in mind, completely ignoring traditional hard-set gender rules in art, was a conscious choice and one i wholeheartedly support.

just another example of the sexualization i was talking about. i remember seeing harley quinn in this exact pose in suicide squad.

so far, taylor's been pretty dead-set on bringing alfred to the forefront of importance in this series. he wants people to know how much he loves alfred's character, and how much the butler meant to dick growing up. he was dick's father too. but what i adore is how taylor managed to stress alfred's importance in a way that didn't insult or belittle bruce.

this is one of the best bruce and dick interactions i've seen, and it's done in one simple interaction. in this, bruce is tough and harsh. he knocked dick down hard, but then he reached a hand down and helped pull dick back up. let me analyze their dialogue for a minute

on your feet: this is bruce telling dick to get up. he's trained dick, he knows what the younger boy is capable of, he knows his limits, and he knows what dick can do. this is bruce telling dick i know you're strong enough to get up, so get up and prove me right

are you just going to knock me down again?: surface-level, it looks like dick's complaining. he doesn't like bruce's rough training, and he's tired of bruce knocking him down. but look at his face in this. he's smiling up at bruce, knowledgeable and a little hopeful. he knows that bruce is doing this to help dick better himself, he's completely on board with the rough training, because they both know the rewards are incredible. also, he's teasing. he's bantering with bruce. there's an ease in that joking statement, one that belies affection and intimacy. they've only known each other for a little bit, but they're already slipping into a close familial relationship.

it depends on how fast you learn: this is bruce bantering back. this is bruce not being a stoic, unfeeling asshole. instead, he's shown with the dry humor that a good batman writer knows is a staple of the character. he's teasing dick, telling him he'll basically whoop his ass if dick doesn't learn fast enough. it's incentive for dick to train harder, while also being lighthearted enough to tell dick that believes in dick and doesn't want him to push himself too hard.

gosh i love the titans. also it looks like wally's staring at dick's ass.

this was cute. a prod at dick's silly and playful sense of humor, while not dumbing him down for the sake of a laugh. instead, he's joking about food, which is stuff everyone jokes about. this is the kind of stuff that'll actually make me laugh, instead of just making me vaguely uncomfortable.

bludhaven's almost always portrayed as a cesspool of a city. and to be honest, it really is. but this panel gives the city a meaningful history, while also giving us a reason for why dick moved there.

it talks of a time when people still thought they could beat the monsters. that if they fought hard enough, they could win the fight. it was a tentative hope that you could always overcome hardship.

dick's little "i like that it's still standing" shows how he still believes that, despite what the rest of the world thinks. despite everything that he's been through, dick is still tentatively an optimist, and believes he can fight the monsters of the world and win. it's a beautiful testament to his character, and i'm like that they added his signature element of hope back in. it used to be what he symbolized as robin, and despite his growth and character arc from robin to nightwing, this is one aspect of robin that i'm glad nightwing still has.

remember when i said "things that make me vaguely uncomfortable??" yeahhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Shooketh Dick: A Sequel

(the expressions in this series are just,,,,on point)

this was an incredibly sweet and kindhearted thing for dick to do, but i found it kind of,,,,,,,,desperate? maybe that's just me, but let me explain.

dick's suddenly a billionaire, and he has entirely too much money that he knows what to do with. it's also alfred's money, what the man left to him, so dick forever links it with alfred. in addition to that, he's back and bludhaven and looking at it with "fresh" eyes. (at least, from a different point of view since he got shot in the head. then mind controlled.) he's desperate to do something with the money and he's desperate to help the people around him that so obviously needs up, so he comes up with an on-the-fly solution that's a little impractical and a little crazy, but it still helps and still does some good.

to me, dick seems a little lost. he hasn't completely found his balance yet, and he's trying to do things that will. he tries charity, because that's what bruce did and it's what he knows, even though he admitted that he always thought bruce could have done more as bruce wayne than batman.

they have a family group chat guys yall were right.

also, do i think that dick would ever actually get his wallet stolen?? no way in hell, he’d notice someone getting ready to pickpocket him a mile away. but i suppose it’s important to the Plot. 

okay this is getting interesting. first blockbuster, now maroni (+ the weird heart stealer guy). i can officially say that i am intruiged

this particular artistic quirk is shown a lot in this issue, and from this art team in general, but i feel like this panel is one of the best examples of it. it was stunning enough to take up a full page, and it’s well deserved.

the way they show dick moving is absolutely brilliant. as a reader, i like seeing these smaller versions of dick getting clearer and in more detail as they come closer to the screen. not only do they show depth in the picture beyond what a simple 3 dimensional piece of art does, it also shows the passage of time.

in addition, it showcases dick’s skill. dick spots these mobsters running after a group of petty thieves. he then, and follow me here, leaps off the roof of one building feet first, springboards backwards off the side of the adjacent building with his feet, gracefully continues his backflip, rights himself, shoots a line with perfect timing: just in time to soften his landing but not slow him down, execute said landing on top of a moving bus, keep running on the moving bus without missing a beat, shoot his grapple, use the grapple to swing, use the swing to build up momentum, then use the momentum to deliver a powerful blow to the mobsters. and he did all that fast enough to catch up with the mobsters, even though he was a ROOFTOP OVER. 

d a m n  s o n

this panel, the very first in the issue, is also another example of that art style, but a little more distinctive. i love the way they showed dick’s different costumes through the ages, along with him simply growing up. it’s a little heartbreaking, but a lot uplifting to see how far he’s come. thank god he got rid of the red. now all we need is the fingerstripes, and we’ll be golden

discowing my beloved. also i can’t clearly see discowing’s hair but it definitely looks like it’s pulled back. it looks like he put it in a ponytail. guys. guys. dick had a ponytail omg. 

he’s having a Hero Moment

are you talking about the city, dick, or are you talking about you? the kgbeast, the court, the joker. dick fell to each one of them, no matter how hard he fought. he won in the end, eventually and with his family’s help. but i think he’s feeling a little low, a little defeated right now. it’s almost like he needs a win, he needs to feel victorious, he needs to feel like he helped someone (hence the food and the hotel room), just because he needs to remember what it feels like.

these lines were supposed to resonate with you, and goddamn they did.

i looked at it from two ways. first, it’s the girl asking, begging nightwing not to hurt them. bludhaven doesn’t know dick the way gotham does, they’re still a little frightened of him. this child was brave enough to step in front of all of the other hurt and homeless kids and ask, to a strange man in a mask, if he was going to hurt them like the other men had. it’s heartbreaking, but commendable, and an echo of the city itself that dick’s decided to protect. they’re bloody and broken and terrified, but still gritty and brave enough to stare what they fear in the eye and ask it not to hurt them.

second, it’s dick seeing the question reflected in himself. recently, he got shot in the head and lost all his memories. while i think that the way ric reacted was a perfectly valid and human response to the situation, i think dick still regrets how callously and rudely he treated his family. then, he was manipulated by the court of owls, then he was brainwashed with a magic crystal by the joker. dick does have a guilt complex. it’s not a big as bruce’s, but it’s there. and right now, with this girl begging her not to hurt them, dick is probably thinking about all the times he hurt people, in control of his own actions or not, bc he “didn’t have a heart.” 

little ambitious don’t you think, dick?

also just look at the sunset colours loOK at the they could not make this any more obvious oh my godddddddddddddddddddddddd

in conclusion, i need more of her

[mobagehelllocal]

“lucky ending” extra notes i & iii

Hi, I said I would do it but then I released ver i so long ago that I felt I shouldn't do this unless I had another version out at least so yay! finally! ... I'll add ver ii here when I get around to writing it... *shifty eyes* So as usual, this is just my thought process and ideas while writing lol.

*please do not read if you haven’t read “lucky ending” ver i (dorm leaders) & ver iii (rook & lilia).

It was inspired by an anon ask and the button tradition from Japanese schools.

The anon ask went like this: First at all, I like do much your writing and I hope you are doing well. Second, I was wondering what would happen if the MC (Fem!s/o I guess) decided to not go back to her world, like she decide stay with her villain? Can you do make headcanons of this for the dorm leaders? Thank you very much. – from Anonymous

The button tradition, as narrated by the first years, is done when one person confesses and the other responds by giving them the button closest to their heart. In most Japanese uniforms it’s the second uniform, but in Twisted Wonderland--I looked at the ceremonial robes and the closest button should be the fifth. Maybe. I could be wrong. 

The songs I listened to while writing this! 

The original dorm leaders (and Rook) was written while listening to “Lucky Ending”, the ending theme of Fruits Basket. The English lyrics (translated by otenkiame!) are: 

“Change is important. I want to do it well,/ but I wanna cry. It's still bad. I wanna cry” 

“The word "goodbye" has disappeared completely from this world/ All that remains is me fooling around next to you/A day you don't laugh won't come anymore”

“I've understood it since being here/ These feelings of wanting to protect you aren't a misunderstanding/ If we can call what connects us bonds,/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Even if in a different world, it'll never be different/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Don't change, ever/ Stay here, stay here”

I think it’s obvious why I chose to use this as the title of the series. It’s a story about change but it’s also a story about the things you don’t want to change... And I think it’s not wrong to want to hold onto things. 

I also listened to the same playlist that I listened to while writing “wendy?” “hello peter pan”:

“Can’t help falling in love” cover by Annapantsu, “If you’re not the one” by David Beddingfield, “Who Knew” by P!nk and “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. 

For Lilia in particular, I was listening to three Beauty and the Beast songs on loop. “Evermore” by Josh Groban, “Days in the Sun” by the live action cast and, of course--”How does a moment last forever” by Celine Dion.

“How does a moment last forever?/ How can a story never die?/ It is love we must hold onto/ Never easy, but we try/ Sometimes our happiness is captured/ Somehow, our time and place stand still/ Love lives on inside our hearts and always will”

Also for Lilia, Tolerate It by Taylor Swift.

“You're so much older and wiser and I/ I wait by the door like I'm just a kid”

“I made you my temple, my mural, my sky/Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life”

Malleus was definitely the first piece finished. Closely followed by Vil’s. I believe there was a gap inbetween them before I did the others? I wrote bits and pieces of Leona, Idia, Kalim and Azul’s. I think I finished Leona, Idia, Kalim then Riddle because I distinctly remember saving Azul for last. 

One of the most important things for me, is that each story stands distinct of each other. So I gave myself a really hard time trying to figure out how each one uniquely belonged to each of the characters.

For the Prologue... I think because it’s set at the graduation of certain characters, I used that to my advantage and implied the stronger bonds between the Yuu!Reader and the entirety of the cast. Because a lot of time has passed and I feel like--regardless of what other people believe, bonds will be made and relationships will have strengthened enough for it to happen. 

Riddle is honestly another really difficult character for me to write. I generally do love him and I enjoy his story, but something about him is difficult and I’m not sure why. 

I think a part of me is also really miffed because from Heartslabyul-Savanaclaw, you could feel that Riddle really cared for Yuu on some level but then he just straight up disappears come Octavinelle chapter. I feel like there was potential to develop their relationship even more. 

He WENT UP AND TIED YOUR RIBBON I REMEMBER I WENT DOKI DOKI OVER THAT. 

I feel like because I’ve established that it’s a Yuu!Reader, it’s impossible for this story to not include both Ace and Deuce. So of course they featured in really big roles for this one, being responsible for telling Riddle the story.

I have to thank my friend, Mes, for bouncing ideas with me. They were the one who suggested what I could do with Riddle’s story by having ADeuce play such a big part!

I also tried my hardest to include Trey and Cater, and I’m pretty happy with their cameo. In a way, they definitely helped Riddle figure out his own feelings for you. 

My favourite lines are: “I think you earned that much. I don’t believe anyone’s ever been in your situation before so—there’s no right or wrong about what you’re doing. It’s all about what you want to do.”

I wish someone would tell this to Yuu in general though. They’re the only one who has ever been in their situation (to our knowledge at least) and like... they’re definitely allowed to be even more selfish. 

Leona is someone who I used to dislike a lot. I never hid that. It’s primarily because of how disappointed I am in the story of Savanaclaw probably. But like, I was always concerned about writing him properly because I thought that it was only right that I did right by him, because there would be people reading these stories who loved him. And I felt like I had to do right by that love. 

I think... it’s wrong to believe that characters... villains... cannot fall in love or “won’t fall in love.” I think it’s wrong also to think that “people don’t change for love.” 

In fact, people do change. You definitely shouldn’t change yourself to be loved, but... people change all the time to be their “better” selves. So whose to say that a good person, who you love, will not make you want to improve yourself? Isn’t that what we want when we meet people? To fall in love with someone who will ultimately make you better and never worse. 

Or so that’s how I try to write the Twisted characters when they fall in love... With an understanding that “morally” the person they are falling for is “kind” and “good” and how a part of them might just want to be better just for that person. (Especially Leona and Azul). They don’t necessarily have to be nice to everyone, but if they can be better for one person... We stan healthy character growth.  

But yeah, Leona is driven by understanding that he’s a very selfish person. But that he’s also very unfortunate and he doesn’t want tie you with someone who, he thinks, is actually worthless. He probably, deeply, thinks you deserve more.

Though his selfishness eventually wins out and well... Won’t you forgive him for it? :) For tying you down to this worthless second prince? 

I think his own self-awareness does make him try harder. Not for everyone or everything... but for you. Just for you. I think that would be Leona’s love language--spending time with you, trying for you.

He’d appreciate if you didn’t call him out on it though, that would be very embarrassing. 

Looking back, I’m surprised that it was the only version where none of the other boys from his dorm showed up lol. Which means Ruggie is the sole character who has yet to appear in the “lucky ending” series, huh.

My favourite lines from his story that still leaves me breathless and patting my past self in the back: ““I’m home—” you said—even if a part of you felt that home should have been two green eyes, a cocky smirk, and a warm patch of sunlight on the grassy ground.”

Like honestly, what was I on? Who was she?

Azul is, like Leona, someone who is so keenly aware of the things he’s lacking. In fact, he’s someone who thinks he’s lacking when he’s probably perfect in some aspects. He might act proud but a part of him--I think--thinks its not enough. It’s never enough. He can certainly do better still.

In that light, it’s why he thinks he’s undeserving of a partner. Especially one who is “kind” and “understanding.” While ultimately, Azul deserves people in his life who are that and “accepting” of him--I think he still thinks he doesn’t. 

And thats why he lets go of the Yuu!Reader. It’s why he doesn’t “chase” after her like Leona did.

It’s because he’s selfish, because he wants her--that he forces himself to let go. 

Azul needs someone who’ll tell him that he is worth something and that he’s definitely worth the effort. So please praise him a lot until he’s crying in happiness. I’m sure it’s the one thing he’s always wanted to hear from people around him.

Also my Poly!Octavinelle Agenda has never died and I am pleased Past!Ai got away with so much Poly!Octa hints in this story lol. But honestly, regardless of wht Octavinelle says... god, you can tell they genuinely care about each other.

I recently rewatched Octavinelle’s chapter and... by god, the amount of things I missed out on first watch. Jade’s concern when he realized Azul wanted to get rid of that photo... The fact Floyd was so willing to drop the fight to return to Azul too... Anyways, Poly!Octa Agenda for life.

Favourite lines: “Azul’s pathetic whimpers turned into guttural sobs. His fingers spread to cover his eyes—and his glasses slid off his face, down to his lap and then to the ground—at his actions. His whole body shook as he cried his heart out.”

It’s not as poetic as a lot of my other favourites, but for some reason these lines always get me when I reread them. There’s something so visceral about it. 

Azul’s piece is probably the least visually stimulating out of all these stories? His was so emotionally driven compared to the others and I worried a lot about that.

I think I remember I was crying so badly as I was writing this. 

Kalim is really hard for me because I feel like I struggle a lot with finding conflict in his character? He’s such a genuinely nice person, I find it hard to believe that the Yuu!Reader would feel alienated from him or something. So I brought in “environment” to get in the way. 

My use of celestial imagery for Kalim is because of the Scarabia trailer! I really loved how it put Kalim as the sun and Jamil as the moon. I definitely will take advantage of that when I get around to writing for Jamil.

So because I wanted to use the sun, I chose to use the idea of comets for Kalim? I think I remember something about how meteors are drawn to the gravitation pull of the sun and can “escape” it or “be destroyed” by it. Haha, hot. 

Jamil is someone who ultimately cares about Kalim too and I had fun writing his banter with the Yuu!Reader. I think I wanted to decribe the shadows licking his face reminscent to the marks from his Overblot but... I felt like doing that would give Jamil too much focus so I ultimately decided against it.

It would’ve been hot though. 

Oh yes, one thing I wanted to talk about is Kalim’s rushed proposal. I remember people talking about it in the tags, comments... even in asks at that time. The reason he does it is because he’s someone who didn’t realize his feelings until you spelled out your own. It was a sort of: “Oh. Right. That is the word I’d use to describe my feelings.” 

My favourite lines from his story is: “How does one bid goodbye to the sun?” and “No one ever willingly bids goodbye to the sun.They spend the rest of their lives trying to find the right way back to it.”

My god, who was this genius.

Vil is probably the most visually stunning out of all these stories. I feel like my stories go from super vivid imagery and setting to just complete emotional disasters lol. (Vil being the former and Azul’s being the latter... not that it’s bad, it actually suits the characters). 

Oh man, I remember thinking that Vil is such a hard character to write because we don’t know what his motivation for perfection is. All we knows is that he wants to be the best but, why? 

It’s like, for example, Idia. His motivations could be otaku-related. He doesn’t want to go to class because he’d rather go play or something. That sounds in character--but Vil was so hard because he wanted perfection.

But we already see him as such a perfect character, so what else did he need to be even more perfect? In that light, Chapter 5 did a really good job on presenting Vil’s motivations. 

But honestly, I think I can comfortably say that the Vil I’ve written so far is pretty accurate? To his character. I’m really grateful I read his chat lines because his comment about intelligence really got me thinking about his possible motivations. It made it really easy to understand that Vil wasn’t like majority of the real world’s influencers. 

One other thing that I was really happy about with his story is the use of the flower language. It’s something I hope I can use more because it’s so beautiful. 

Oh! And the roses the Yuu!Reader talks about are double delight roses. They are specifically bred to have two colors--yellow in the center and pink on the outside. I thought it fitting that the Yuu!Reader breed special roses for Vil.

They can be called... err... Vil Roses?

My favourite lines from his story is:  ““My happiness will not be dictated by others—no, Vil Schoenheit is a person who will grasp happiness with his own hands.” [...] “I’m giving you this button because I’ve already found happiness by your side.”” 

This line was actually inspired by Zelda C.W.’s MYth series. Specifically Hera’s story, Will. 

Idia ...for him, I somehow had a very hard time imagining him trying to tell the reader to stay. Like that didn’t compute for me? I felt like his version was better approached in a more comedic light somehow. 

I also felt that it would be cuter if the Yuu!Reader had already chosen to stay and Idia would need to hastily retrack his confession... Unfortunately, Yuu!Reader won’t let him. 

Honestly looking back on it, I wonder how much of Chapter 6 is going to make me scream and want to rewrite Idia’s part? 

My favourite lines from his story is: “He was never particularly good at lying—nor was he good at keeping secrets from you. You were a person he considered a dear friend—and he was always the type of person who ended up spilling everything to you. He liked being able to talk about the things he enjoyed—he liked that he had found someone who wanted to hear him out.”

A lot of my interpretation for Idia is closely linked to personal experience as an anime, manga and gaming fan. It was just a couple of years ago where people would actually be bullied for liking these things--but nowadays its become a norm. It’s... stunning actually but it makes me happy to know that maybe nobody will be judged for loving anime.

That being said, Idia’s longing to find someone he can talk to is something I really relate too--back then, it was so difficult to find someone to talk to about my interests... So I interpreted Idia as much the same. That what he enjoys about the Yuu!Reader is their ability to simply sit and listen to him talk. 

Malleus... man, recently I’ve been starting to fall in love with him all over again. He was my first oshi ever... Anyways, moving on. You think I’ve talked enough about immortal x mortal but nope, we are not done. I love this theme in general, romantic or platonic. 

I will never shut up about it you can’t make me. 

Sebek having a good enough friendship with Yuu!Reader is such a delicious concept. Like mutual respect and Sebek understanding that Yuu!Reader gives Malleus a different type of companionship that Sebek, Silver or Lilia couldn’t... 

And also, ultimately, Sebek and Yuu!Reader do love Malleus. In different ways, but I like the thought of Sebek respecting that and respecting the Yuu!Reader.

Me realizing just now that Silver joins Ruggie in the: “has never appeared in a lucky ending fic club.”... Sorry Silver, I swear soon. Once we get more content on you.

Celestial themes for Malleus are primarily, again, because he only ever seemed to meet you at night. And I thought it would be wonderful, if you were a bright spark to him. 

Favourite lines are definitely:  “Oh, bright light… I would prefer to live the rest of your life by your side… rather than spend centuries contemplating what it could have felt… to hold you in my arms.”

I am, always, going to be such a big sucker for the idea of immortals constantly remembering and loving mortals. Always holding them close in their memories, because in that way--their lovers have become immortal with them. 

I also like to imagine that he eventually figures out a way to connect your worlds together so you can still talk to your friends and family from that world. He is one of the most powerful magicians around, I’m sure its possible.

Rook was honestly the most difficult piece for me to write because he’s so hard(?) for me to understand. He’s a mess of contradictions honestly and I... guess I’m excited to see what he’ll do come Chapter 6. 

I actually rewrote his story so much. I got about 500 words with a different idea/plot in mind before deleting that completely and restarting from scratch. 

I feel like Rook is someone who talks big and talks about love without actually knowing what it truly might feel like. He’s someone who doesn’t understand it and ends up mistaking it for his fascination. 

Aside from me enjoying inserting other characters from the same dorm as much as possible, I felt that Vil was the perfect person to snap some sense into Rook.

Epel’s appearance there is basically to reflect how much I really hope the first year kids get really close to one another. 

Rook is also someone who I think, doesn’t try to explain himself too much. He’s someone who I think talks a lot, but if people don’t understand him then he doesn’t need to be understood? That’s my impression. Lol, when “lucky ending” became a character study. 

I also really loved the idea that Rook was fine with people running from him--to him that makes it all the more thrilling. But then you start running away from him and that just ends up making dread pool in his stomach. 

My favourite lines from his story: “‘When something ends, it must be sad. So, tell me then, how an ending could be so beautiful?’ [...] .‘But there was one ending that was beautiful, non?’ [...] ‘That’s right. ‘They lived happily ever after’—are those not the words that define a beautiful ending?’”

I used the dusk metaphor for Rook. My idea is that he starts seeing dusk as an ending and how he can’t fathom how any “ending” is beautiful. When a story ends, it’s not beautiful to him, humu. But when that ending is the happily ever after then... That makes all the difference. 

Lilia was actually easier than Rook’s but also fairly difficult. I had written the middle of Lilia’s piece while stumped on Rook’s actually. Lilia’s was probably easier because I love the idea of immortals and mortals.

I don’t really like the idea of mortals becoming immortals. Like, yes, it’s certainly sweet and spending eternity with a one true love is definitely the best possible ending but... I think there’s so much weight in an immortal choosing to love a mortal while knowing that they will ultimately lose them.

The biggest theme for Lilia is definitely time.

Thinking about it now... There’s been a lot of things in real life that’s just... Made me think about how we have less time than we actually think we have. And I think I ended up channeling that through Lilia... Though I feel like it is ultimately things Lilia would think about though. 

The most important imagery would probably be the stars.

I honestly wanted to avoid it because I used celestial imagery for both Kalim and Malleus but the words just flowed out in a way that I felt that I couldn’t replace. So I went with it. 

Lilia is no stranger to loneliness. One of the reasons he feels less alone is because he has family now and he doesn’t want to rob you of that. Family is so important to him because they are people who are meant to be with you--they are people who will make you less lonely--or so thats how I think? he thinks. 

My favourite lines from his story: “He would relish in the way—You made the world pause. You made a moment extend into an eternity. You made an immortal crave just a little more time.”

I’m so immensely proud of this one? I don’t really have much else to say. There’s something so raw about it that I love. Also the part where it continues on to say that  “Because there is never enough time.”

Me realizing my extra notes is just half me simping over these characters, half sharing headcanons, have actually giving good advice? perspective?, half song lyrics, half character study/analysis?

“lucky ending” is about change. Whether we want them to happen or not it’s... the human condition to change. For better or worse, we change--day by day. I think we all operate under a small panic about how everyday things are changing...

But “lucky ending” is also about the things that don’t change. Won’t change. Will never change. The things worth holding onto, the thing worth fighting for... or so I’d like to think.

[marcilled]

ok i made a different post about this but i just deleted it cuz i worded it poorly. but. does anybody else get the vibe that twitter's "stan culture" (this is the best word i can think to describe it, sorry) is like... almost cult-like in nature?

I don't mean to throw the word around lightly, i know it is rather disrespectful to cult survivors to joke about cults, or even to make the accusation lightly... i don't think it is a de facto cult at all, more like a... proto-cult? or something? idk. There's not really a single Leader that is knowingly leading these ppl and profiting off of them, but the behavior of "stans" honestly feels cultish to me. and i really truly worry for young people who get wrapped up in this toxic culture.

as everyone following me the past couple days has seen from all these nasty anons- if you do anything to slight the person/people they "stan", they will literally do anything & everything to justify their twisted amoral behavior towards you... in my case i am white so they say i am being racist & a "white savior" by me calling taylor swift a "racist rich white bitch".

countless ppl dogpiled me, called me transphobic slurs, suicide baited me, tried to be fatphobic to me for some reason (i am literally underweight), etc etc etc...

none of them seem to care or even acknowledge the horrible behavior of their peers, i saw like one person replying to another one of them on twitter like "don't be homophobic to her!" and everyone else was just like "lol who cares"

the ends justify the means.

it is my observation that most of the behavior exhibited by stan twitter users seems to coalesce on this... idea of "activism"... perhaps because black twitter users pointed out how "stanning" is aave, and "stan twitter" stole the term for their own use, to the point where basically no one knows its origins as aave anymore. so they reacted in kind by like. trying to signal boost posts about black lives matter, black fans that needed help, etc... i am white so i won't say more than that, make your own conclusions there

but it's just become this sort of. twisted mangled idea of "activism". to the point where the social consciousness of ppl on stan twitter almost seems like a completely superficial facade put up because they know that it will give them some level of sympathy from others... or... something?? i dunno the exact reasoning, but. it is the way it is.

To give an example of what I'm trying to express- you've surely seen people from stan twitter say "STREAM [NEW SONG]!!!" (particularly kpop, but now that has expanded to like, literally any pop celebrity you could think of)

They get to the point where they like... literally will play the song over and over and over again on loop, to the point where i wonder how they don't get fucking sick of it. they just do this shit with every song by the artist(s) they stan, to try to get them to Trend Harder, or to get on the Charts. or to get more Views. there is this obsession with becoming validated to the masses, that they need to prove how Good the artist they stan is, and how everyone else, especially all the haters and "antis", are Flops.

What I'm saying is: they literally view their behavior as some twisted form of "activism", whether they want to admit it or not. They also view it as activism to make their little twitter threads about every possible controversy to do with the person they stan, and why all of them are false allegations or over-exaggerated, or, sometimes, that it's actually just fine and you should just let people enjoy things ok? <3

Seriously: this isn't just taylor swift, this isn't just kpop... there are threads on twitter about why the dream smp members are all flawless uwu innocent boys who can do no wrong and have nothing but goodness in their hearts. i had to see a thread the other day where someone genuinely called taylor swift an "unproblematic queen". this is real shit! people really believe this stuff. it's all very disturbing for many reasons.

Most disturbing of all, though, is how they treat "haters"... if you vocally insult one of the people that has a fanbase like this, like i did on twitter, they may find your innocuous post you made for your meager ~400 twitter followers and tell EVERYONE THEY KNOW to ratio you, report your tweets, etc. like literally i was just minding my business when i saw i had 30+ retweets on that post that just said "taylor swift is overrated", all of them were qrts already being rude as fuck to me

and if you bite on their bait for even a second, they'll take any opportunity they have to rip you to shreds. they found a "vulnerability" (not really) in my "defense" in that i am white, so they used that as a weapon against me in their bid to make Me the person who is Actually problematic, not their flawless queen taylor swift (even though... she is... also a white woman.) And I say that they "used it as a weapon", bc it's the same thing that every anon hate message i've gotten since going on priv has said. Oftentimes, right alongside other violently hateful shit (transphobia, fatphobia, ableism... all in the same message telling me that i'm being racist by calling taylor swift racist)

Stan culture is teaching young adults & kids that it's ok to bully people "for the right reasons". it's teaching them that your interests are paramount, and that it is doing activism to Consume Content. you can see this in the myriad social media posts, where ppl will bemoan others for talking about pirating games/movies, because "we need this one to sell well!!!!!", or even just talking about watching a movie multiple times because "IF WE DON'T WATCH IT ENOUGH TIMES THEY MIGHT CANCEL THE SERIES" ...

Anyhow, not to sound like an Old Person, but i hate the future!!! Kids, teens, please do better for yourself & your peers. "Stan culture" as it is is very new, and it's Not normal. Don't let it become normalized.

[halinski]

I have a lot of feelings about Buck, like don't even ask, I will never be able to put it into words or anything other than abstract feelings in this world

I just know this, Eddie loves Buck and Buck is ace and Taylor is a relapse ✌️

"You've been shutting me out."

It's ironic, Eddie thinks, that these exact words come now 20 minutes after the black out, which felt like maybe the world had shut down. They were stuck mid rescue in an elevator and well, the world had been such a whirlwind since he'd been shot, and this emergency and that- but now it had stopped. And they'd succumbed to their fate, sat down on the dingy elevator floor, bathed in a red back up light, the building silent around them. Out there, somewhere, a siren rang, and Buck sighed.

It was deep and heavy, like he was Atlas lifting the world off his shoulders for a break, something like relief, like that first deep shuddering breath when your lungs finally recovered from a run. It was way too heavy for a young man, barely thirty, who was finding himself. Eddie knew that Buck had been fighting lately. Mostly himself, but also his parents and past, and pushing past the boundaries of life that had been set around him. Then there was the shooting and Buck had truly been nerve-wrecked, Eddie was far from blind, and hell, he'd been a little preoccupied with figuring himself out, and recovering, letting go and paving the way for a future with no regrets- but he'd seen Buck. It was harder to look away at this point.

But he had, because the world had been spinning and Buck had been putting enough pressure on himself, becoming an uncle, and taking care of Chris with full abandon, and therapy and... Taylor. Eddie hadn't wanted to push too hard.

Now that they were here though, just the two of them...

Buck's looking at him, that irritated lost puppy stare, vulnerable and defiant all at once, like Eddie was the first to venture into certain spaces that made up Evan Buckley. It was a deliberant choice, at this point. Back in the beginning, he'd just reached out a hand and had been surprised to find an anchor to the world he'd never knew existed, and now he ventured further deliberately.

It hadn't been a question, and even so Buck looked ready to fight him, a last defensive wall, before he caved and those murky blue eyes dropped away. Full submission.

Eddie waited, opening up the room and hoping for his partner in crime and rescue to fill it and yet... Buck only shrugged weakly.

"Things have been..." He started half-heartedly, losing motivation half-way through and concluding with a disheartened, "busy." Eddie watched him busy himself with the callouses on his palm, picking and rubbing, as if he could erase the last few weeks of running himself ragged.

There had definitely been a lot less mentions of calls to Dr. Copeland lately, a lot of unfocused Buck, who was making himself smaller, less noticeable and quieter. Not that he was actually quiet, Eddie knew Buck could fill the building with vibrance for the benefit of everyone around within the blink of an eye. But his true emotions dwindled, where they'd slipped out before in shadows of an action, or an obvious plea hidden in drowning eyes - now he was more... Calculated.

And even now, Buck lifted his head again under Eddie's scrutiny in square-jawed surrender as if that was that to this conversation, there was nothing more to be done.

Eddie was not convinced. They'd gotten way too far, the two of them, to slip back down to the trenches in this mud slide. Eddie had found solid footing in his own world, and he was unafraid right here, under private eyes with the one person in the world he trusted most. Solid enough that he could stare right back at the nervous energy Buck was holding back and dare it.

What are you so afraid?

A question he had asked himself many sleepless nights, especially after Carla's little "follow your heart" speech, after he'd laid in bed, heart racing, hearing shots and all he wanted had been to-

All he'd wanted was safety, and he could've kept lying to himself, could've deliriously shouted at the universe that he didn't know where he could ever feel safe again, and yet his own body and heart had long gone betrayed him that day in the hospital just before he'd walked out, explicitly stating that he had signed his heart off to Buck a year ago. He couldn't even call it betrayal, because there wasn't a single cell in his body that doubted his decision, that doubted Buck. He just doubted... Himself.

And maybe that he'd be enough for Buck right now, still. He was so far from his best self, and yet better and more stable than he'd ever been. So he sat and he stared back, arms resting easily in his lap, and challenged.

"Why do you keep going back to her?"

Goddammit, Eddie, way to sound like the most jealous jerk in the world.

Buck winced, eyebrows seeming to ask 'really?' and 'what do you mean?' all at the same time and then shrugging again.

"Taylor?" He asked simply, biding time probably.

"Yeah," Eddie assured, the hum of the emergency light their only company as he waited for Buck to reply.

"She's the only one who really wants me," he said, but the tone of his voice wasn't right. Unconvinced. The admission to easily offered to ring true.

Eddie can't stop the snort of disbelief from escaping him. From all that he's heard about the rust-haired reporter... He couldn't imagine what Buck saw in her. He'd seen the effect of her words on him, saw Buck fall in line behind her with a bowed head, saw how the hurt now flared in Buck's face at his open faced challenge to that statement.

A part of Eddie wanted to grab Buck by the face and scream at him, can't you see?!

You're wanted whole-heartedly by me.

But Buck wasn't his to love yet, not really.

"Look, I don't know what you see on the outside but... She wants me. She chose me and I- what more could I ask for, you know? I'm... I'm working on it. On myself. And for now- this is it," Buck said, rattling it down like he was trying to work it into a checklist.

Eddie just wanted to know what 'it' was supposed to mean. But he nodded, because in a way it did make sense. The same way Ana had made sense, even though she absolutely didn't and he was glad that was over and he could laugh over that foolish affair now.

People had questioned his change of heart when he broke up with her during recovery, but when they'd realized he truly wasn't heartbroken and backsliding, they had taken it in full stride. A little misstep, no great scars taken (well except for the new bullet hole in his shoulder but that didn't really have anything to do with Ana, it just happened to be a part of the same journey heading toward a joined destination) and here they were at a pit stop.

The silence simmered between them, just somewhere right before the cliff, staggering before the precipice toward their comfort zone. It had always taken a little leap from both sides to get them to where they were today. Buck usually happens to fall into his without thinking much, just because he was ready to throw himself in dangers way or alternatively, rushing in out of sense of duty, and making it seem so, so very easy. The way he had walked into Eddie's house and kitchen, stepped right into his space and said: 'i'm here and I'm owning my mistakes because you're worth it' or something of the sort. All Eddie remembered was the care and the genuine emotion he'd felt and... The realization that he'd finally found home.

"It just feels like... You smile less when it comes to her." Eddie still did't really want to say her name. He wasn't about to go out blaming Taylor for all the times Buck was sad- it was just an observation. It took a lot to get Buck to giving up his smile. He hated that Taylor accepted a watered down version of him; bright, bold, and boasting Buck.

"Do I?" Buck asked, a furrowed crease appearing between his eyebrows, truly confused.

Eddie nodded.

"Relationships are always a compromise," Buck offered with a half-hearted twitch of his shoulder. "You know me. We're both pretty stubborn. We butt heads."

Buck flicked his wrist for a useless gaze at his watch. It made them none the wiser about the state of their rescue.

"Yeah, I know you," Eddie retorted gently. "Though, you do tend to have a point."

He could come up with a million examples. Eager, always ready to show up and make it work, Buck. How many times had he burrowed himself into Eddie's skin already with truths that stuck like thorns until Eddie accepted them into his bones.

All he wanted was to return the favor

The man granted him a small, crooked smile. It was crazy how much so little could mean to one person. Desperate, wounded, isolated Buck.

How Eddie wanted to tell him explicitly 'dont do what I did, kid, don't fall back into and habits at first chance just because you don't think you're worth anything else'- there were reasons why it didn't work in the first place. He'd learned the exact same lesson with Shannon. And God, the way Eddie had dragged Buck with him back then, for safety, as he had ranted to him and searched for the answers, only to make the same damn mistake.

That wasn't his life.

And Taylor wasn't Buck's. And Eddie knew this.

Knew from what Buck had told about her the first time she had been around, and from all that Eddie had heard about Buck's relationship to sex. It had turned into a joke at the station, oh, Buck and his self-diagnosed sex addiction, but Eddie recognized that worried little steeple on Bobby's forehead when he reminded everyone that that one therapist wasn't licensed to work for them anymore. But it went way deeper, didn't it?

Eddie knew about self-destructive behaviors. Not intimately. But he'd learned a lot about PTSD lately and adjacent behaviors. Buck and sex was a self-destructive bomb if he'd ever seen one.

And it was no coincidence that Taylor and Buck's relationship centered around physical intimacy.

Buck showed up where he was wanted or needed. They all knew that.

"Just... Make sure you get what you want too," Eddie said. "Put yourself first."

Cue the bewildered, insecure facial expression. Now and then Eddie wished he could hide Buck from the world. Shield him. For now all he could do was stand by.

"Because you'll always be wanted. Make sure the reasons are right for you. It has to be good for you."

And Eddie wouldn't be leaning so far out the window if Buck were to look him in the eyes and say 'nah it's not like that' but all he did was get quiet. Eddie couldn't leave him sitting like that, rearranging himself to stretch his legs out before they fell asleep and casually leaning his shoulder against Buck's.

"You're a good guy, Buck. You deserve only the best.

If you wanted Buck to hear you sometimes you had to get straight to the point.

Maybe one day Eddie could conquer his fear and say what he really wanted to say.

When they were both ready.