#i mean. like most of it. im talking about a memory where i killed myself. so if you need to know.

[our-inspire-verse]

I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut

Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.

How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"

I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.

You will die without it.

And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.

Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.

I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.

[erin-hatesu]

Summary - You have to leave nevermore without Xavier knowing

a/n - this is my first story so if its bad please let ne know what i can improve on.

Goodbye...?

I've been at nevermore for a few weeks now. I have made many friends with people like, my boyfriend Xavier Thorpe we haven't been together for that long but we are the talk of the school(in a good way), I mean I'm even on Bianca's good side, my closest friend I have here is Enid and Ajax they just get me.

But ever since Wednesday got here I've gotten into a lot more trouble. Principal Weems said i only have one more chance or else i get expelled.

Soon that one thing came true...

Wednesday forced me to go with her to the creepy Gates house. We almost get killed but you know thats normal. Somehow Xavier got there... Werid.

When we get back to school after getting caught by Tylers dad, I got a huge lecture and turns out i have to leave tomorrow morning before sunrise.

I don't want to surprise Xavier with everything that's happened and put more on him, so i keep it to myself and tell Enid and Wednesday instead. Enid helped me pack up my stuff. I thanked her and Wednesday for everything they did for me, and promised to see them once they return to their home towns.

Since Xavier didn't know yet, I decided that I would spend the night with him(with approval from Weems ofc).

In the morning, I woke up at 2 am still laying there just enjoying Xavier's hold seeing as though this might be the last time I can get it.

Once i actually get up I got to write a note for Xavier telling him everything.

"Dear Xavier,

As you are reading this, I am currently on my way to my home town. Please don't freak out, but this wasn't my decision, last night was my last string with Principal Weems. I really didnt want to leave you. I'm really sorry I just couldn't tell you last night. I left you some of my stuff, like the sketch book you helped me with, my perfume, and this tear stained letter. I'm so sorry I just didn't want to hurt you. All of the memories we made will always remind me of Nevermore, I love you. If you have any questions feel free to ask Enid and Wednesday or even your bestfriend Ajax. I love you to the bottom of my heart. I love you so much please don't forget about me.

xoxo Y/n

Ps feel free to call me "

Then I left ofc giving Enid one more hug and Xavier one last kiss on the forehead. And I'm gone watching as I'm being driven away from the place I was most happy.

Xavier's pov

When I woke up I couldn't find y/n anywhere. Until I found the letter she left me sitting on my desk.

I was in disbelief after reading it. I started to tear up and cry. I ran to Enid and Wednesdays room looking for awnsers.

I was banging on the door, until Enid opened it yelling "JEEZ IM COMING... oh xavier."

I ask her what happened to Y/n and she awnsered...

"Shes been expelled, shes probably in her home town by now. I'm sorry." Enid stated

Out of anger I rushed out of the room. Then I remembered she said she put her number in my phone, and I decided to call her. She didn't awnser...

I run back to my room, and slam myself on my bed.

"Why, why couldn't she just tell me. We could've spent the night together. What am I supposed to do now." I thought.

I didn't attend any of my classes for the day, and instead researching, looking for where she lives so I can get her back.

"Will I get her back?.."

[the-owl-tree]

About Tigerheartstar, he did literally threaten RiverClan lives unless they surrendered. He held Duskfur down and asked her how many of her clanmates lives it was worth giving up until RiverClan submitted to him. At the gathering Icewing was the only RiverClan cat to say that RiverClan is doing well, but she’s his favored cat, he’s made her leader and she doesn’t oppose his takeover as much as the other RiverClan cats. Also he is being written super consistently this guy has just always been like this, look at SqH, TS and in Raging Storm just as the more prominent examples. He’s a fascinating and very consistent character but not one I like on a personal level but respect from a writing standpoint. He always believes he is in the right, and he will always justify whatever actions he does. He’s not necessarily a good person but he fully believes he is. How they’re writing him in this arc is extremely consistent with his previous characterisation and I have absolutely no problem believing this is the kind of thing he would do. No matter how good his intentions may have been he did forcefully take away the independence of an entire clan. You don’t go with almost all your warriors to RiverClan at the crack of dawn if you don’t expect a fight.

will not argue on squilf's hope or raging storm as i've not read the first one and i barely remember avos' second half, i am sorry....my memory is garbage :(

there's no real point where tigerheartstar explicitly threatens their lives, the only real mention of that is from duskfur (you know. the one who instigated the fight). she put her clanmates in danger by starting that fight, i've already pointed out that frostpaw was about to get mothwing to talk to him.

here's the fight, i think it's intentionally left vague (and to further the stupid fucking "tigerheartstar like tigerstar? oh nooo!" conflict they insist on keeping up) whether or not he'd actually kill her. i get where you're coming from though but i'd say duskfur's "i'd rather die than receive help" is annoying so therefore im afraid i have to support tigerheartstar here.

considering they uh attacked him, i think him bringing his clan was a smart choice. tigerheartstar and his clan was the most affected when tc started to go off the rails, makes sense to me he'd want to prepare (especially since the clans love to fight each other. him bring his warriors feels like a smart choice considering the entire nature of their society but that's less canon and more me thoughts).

then in the preview, he does exactly what he promised them and leaves.

he's not there to take over, he's there to help, and while i absolutely agree that people can disagree about exactly how helpful he was, i think it's unfair to treat him as the sole reason the whole thing went down so violently (or, in much poorer taste when discussing cat books, refer to it as "colonization" or "imperialism" words have meaning).

as for icewing, i will save thoughts on that until the book comes out. i want to see her in action as a temp leader before getting ahead of myself, i get your point with her though!

i think you're right that he may not totally be in the right with his actions but i stand by my point. riverclan attacked first and tigerheartstar left as soon as he helped. considering the fact that he spent the last arc having to pick up thunderclan's pieces and this arc lost a kit because of riverclan's mismanagement, i think his actions are understandable imo. Still, the arc is early and we have yet to see what'll happen.

ty for the ask, i appreciate your thoughts!! im so sorry if this is rambly and there are errors or it is incomprehensible at points. im sleepy.

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

in other news of things nobody here followed me for or knows about (contd from dc stuff): i started playing rf4 again (the special version actually. which i have never actually completed) and now im bored and Trapped Away From Games so i wanna do a belated liveblog:

im actually retrying a thing i gave up on a while ago which is to drag the first arc out as long as possible. well the original idea was to get married before leon karnak for the alleged unique spouse cutscene that gives you, but i dont think im romancing anyone on this run so now i'm just taking my time for no real reason. also it's hell mode

actually i decided that it was feasible based on calendars to try and time all the guardian releases for their actual birthday. so i am now stuck not progressing past water ruins until fall. im killing time by trying to fight my way through yokmir cave to get to that little deposit of bronze that's up there (because of the aforementioned hell mode this is Not Easy)

i stupidly shipped the first bronze you get out of a request, which was a total waste, bc i forgot raven gates her inventory based on your story progression so she won't actually Stock bronze yet so i just chucked that incredibly valuable earlygame resource into the void. rip. you DO get a second one eventually which i am saving for mail since i think that's the most worth it right now

however RAVEN REDEMPTION ARC: apparently (in the special version at least, i could have sworn this wasn't how it worked in the original) the boss drop from water ruins got added to the loot table for requests as soon as the dungeon unlocked, rather than after you actually beat the boss?? which means that i could get a lightning mane from a randon rq, ship it, and then buy them back off raven to buff all my gear with. granted the stats it gives you aren't crazy BUT the diz res is real nice and for early game +7def is still pretty worth it

im also doing a staff run, which is good for this kinda run bc you can forge a ~lvl30 staff with just an earth crystal which is real easy to come by (as opposed to other weapons, which require materials that i'm locked out of rn) ... however the actual damage stat for staves is kind of really shitty compared to other weapons (prolly bc it's primarily m.atk and early game enemies don't have a ton of m.def?) so an invisiblade might end up being better anyway idk.

however a BONUS of staves is ambrosia's thorns give you the heal effect on charge 2 from the boss's like, radar stun attack. and healing is INVALUABLE in this stage. so i am probably sticking with this

another thing i should probably do but don't rrreally feel like doing is taming a high orc / orc archer to go through the cave with. that would probably significantly increase my survival rate

also storywise, i don't think there's anything crazy that i've discovered from dragging my heels on the main storyline but i DID get to that cutscene where you and venti talk about earthmates and your memories and i am rotating the "it's all so surreal. like i'm a stranger to myself." bit

[swmgnuts]

Maybe I hate sex maybe I only like the idea of being intimately close to someone in a way no one else is and treat it as a special relationship. Maybe I don’t want to kiss and cuddle but cry and throw tantrums and let someone see the ugliest side of me. The most deranged hidden side of me that I’m scared of because I don’t want to be judged for those feelings that I hate when someone touches me and that I’m still afraid of men that today I thought my sister will be raped because a drunk man was starring at her legs and I already had to plan out here a knife is and or memories how he looks like that what to say in court to make it count es self defense Because the only thing Scarier than recognising my own feelings is being afraid of a gender. Seeing children and little boys and girls grow up in front of me and see the pattern of little girls sexualising themselves and wearing mini skirts at twelve and little boys treating and talking about girls like objects and whores and not humans makes my skin crawl and want to wear my prettiest white dress and start to act like I got seven lobotomy’s in a row but the nail was crooked and the doctor was drunk and high so I can pluck my eyes out and gut myself and fill me with cotton so that no body desires me like a human but something forgettable as a doll that’s too ugly for any collector and too disturbing and too much I’m always too much and everyone says im over doing it that im over bearing and I hate that im afraid of women because they can be just as bad than men and im no where safe and everyone is mean and im not desirable to sell myself on the streets to feel love but I hate sex and I hate kissing and it’s disgusting to love someone because that makes one weak and I hate this I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t like this I don’t like this I dontlike this I don’t like this I don’t like this I don’t likethis I don’t likethis I don’t like this I don’t want to have any holes I don’t want anything strange inside me I want to be pure and I want to be a kid again and I want to be innocent and protected I want women to look at me and say that I’m cute again and I don’t want them to say I’m trying to hard just please I didn’t want this body I don’t want to be sexually arousing when I fucking eat ice cream or a banana in public I don’t want you to think anything when I shake a drink in public and I want to be nothing at all I don’t want to be a woman and I don’t want a big chest or clear skin and I want to be ugly so one bares to look at me that I’m so horrifying so disgusting that I make you want to claw my throat out and kill me in the most brutal why because I don’t won’t to do it myself because I’m a sloth that lives day to day like a chore I’m only young and ripe till men seem so till i can no longer bear children and then I’ll lose my entire identity but the only identity I’ll have is 40 or 60 year old models telling me there’s more to just being a mom because look at how rich they are and how im more close to being homeless than to being a millionaire.

[whataphantasia]

ok it's nighttime where i am which makes it PERFECT to go on about my

✨post-crystallized ninjago brain ramble and non-critical retrospective✨

because. ninjago do be making my brain go !! and i need to yell abt it to myself to my blog void b4 i go onto dragons rising and stuff. i talked abt this on discord but only 2 ppl following me are in that server so wtv (hi btw X3)

i want to preface this by saying i dont interact with the ninjago fandom at all, and i know near nothing about behind-the-scenes things or stuff said by production. this is all my thoughts babeyy (which means im going to sound absolutely clueless and talk abt things that hav probably already been resolved. wtv) none of this is supposed to be critical thinking LOL pls dont attack me. i sound complainey but i dont hate the show, this is how i show love for media <3

really the most pressing thing to me was. being really frustrated about garmadon’s whole arc at the end of tournament of elements. yknow when misako finds out about the letter. i feel like they didn’t really go into depth about RESOLVING that whole thing, like showing the repercussions and thoughts of all parties involved after the fact? how does this affect their family? i suppose misako and lloyd talked about it during day of the departed, kind of? but. my needy ass just goes “IT WASN’T ENOUGH.” really, i don’t really like character death or sacrifice as the resolution to a conflict or arc unless it’s done really well, and. is this supposed to feel unsatisfying?! because it is to me!!

yes. i know it’s a kids show. its super likely something's going over my head right now, but. it really made me think again because misako and garmadon didn’t really even talk after harumi revived his oni side, and especially after all the interactions lloyd and garmadon had during crystallized. seriously, someone rec me fics that explore misako and garmadon talking post tournament of elements please JDKWNFJSND. and really i didn’t hate the resolution of tournament of elements... this is my single major nitpick about it LOL

continuing with that thought, like. lloyd has lost his dad multiple times... this isn’t fair to him!!! give bro a break!!! (silly) (i know its fiction LOL) honestly why doesn’t he have WORSE trust issues after considering his mom and harumi and all the other people who’ve abandoned slash betrayed him?! and yeah misako really is the least terrible offender here, and i’m not blaming her— but ya can’t ignore that it DID affect him. this is why i was really excited for the prospect of a corruption arc for him during crystallized, however brief. he deserves it! let him destroy a few buildings, maybe kill a guy! let him fulfill his rise of the serpentine dreams, but for real this time! again REC ME FICS RAGHH

...though yes. i know he’s developed really far to the point he’d never hurt people like that, and tbh you could say he was never really evil in the first place but. you gotta understand that the corruption arc is one of my FAVORITE tropes. i’ll do anything for em... it’s my fatal flaw...

heck like. this is why i was really excited for the ice emperor because i KNEW that was zane the moment i saw him LMAO. he’s my favorite character how can i not tell. but in the end he just lost his memories and was being manipulated by some other bad guy... same thing goes for possession, lloyd wasn’t the bad guy, it was morro possessing him... its not the same </3 let them be lead astray even WITH their past memories and relationships and feelings... i need the angst... (you can tell im insane because im saying this about a lego show)

anyways point is. i like corruption arcs. and i WILL write fic about the ice emperor gaining more agency no matter how out of character and detached from the original message it is. (even sillier connotation)

okay thats the end of me nitpicking for now, i think. i mean i have a lot of qualms... esp about wu characterization in the new animation studio half, but. thats one thing i know that has been talked abt AT LENGTH. and idk if this is an unpopular opinion but i liked all da seasons for different reasons, they all appeal to my different happy little facets of media i enjoy :) im still fresh off of watching the show again for the first time in forever so this opinion will probably change, who knows.

really im just happy to have gone thru the whole main series! including wu's teas! not including dragons rising tho. ill get around to that after this. and maybe look into more production and behind the scenes stuff, and the games and supplementary content too. i love consuming content 🥰

anyway... uhm. can you tell zane is my favorite. because i said it explicitly some sentences ago. god he is so. ykwhat heres a screenshot bc i dont want to write this all out again

thanks for listening bye :3

ninjago... my favorite piece of inherently kind of problematic but overall very fun and well meaning media (esp in the later seasons compared to the earlier ones)... kisses it

[evansbby]

Omg yeah I don’t even think I thought of him killing her because I was so devastated with the last segment of the book, but you’re so right. I’m sorry if I’m a little fuzzy on the details lol, I literally read it right when it came out because I saw that it had dropped (so 2 years ago now I think…)

But yes, idk like I read the book many years after I had read the Hunger Games, so the monstrosity of Snow wasn’t as fresh in my mind (all I had memories of was the blood roses and his weird threats to Katniss, and obviously yeah his whole endorsement of Panem and the Hunger Games). But it was endlessly fascinating to get the backstory of all of that, how any of this had started, how his family was one of the destitute elites clinging to symbols of wealth to keep their reputation as an old money/power family. I guess seeing him as a child and then young adult made me see the pressures that he was under, growing up in a society that prioritized and rewarded grit, defining it as this winning quality that was pretty much comprised of always choosing yourself, keeping up appearances, and sacrificing other people out of necessity (but at what point do they realize they’re doing it out of a sick joy, not reluctance).

So yeah, those moments with Lucy, I completely agree, I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember thinking that this person hardened by the world he grew up in was inexplicably drawn to the light of a person who insisted on being herself, optimistic and eccentric and weird and a songbird in a world where evil and cruelty and being cutthroat was celebrated. She was the antidote to that society, and in all their moments together, I couldn’t help but hope that somehow she would change him, because they were so clearly in love. I almost put the fact that I knew how he ended up in the back of my mind, and let myself fall in love with their love. So yeah, when that scene happened and he left her behind…… idk but it literally felt like some piece of my heart breaking off and shattering in my chest. It was all these pinpricks of hope that love would be enough, her love and innate goodness would heal him and break apart the stirring seeds of malevolence in his heart. But obviously, it was never going to be enough. That book genuinely messed my heart up lol, sent me back to being like love is truly dead lmao (I’m better now)

Anyways I did not mean to turn this into a long ass review but I am so fucking excited you read this book!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I was so hype when I read it when it came out and so upset because literally no one was talking about it like where were all the hunger games fans????????? And I texted my friends about Lucy and snow and the heartbreak and recommended it to them but they didn’t read it so anyways I’ve literally been saving up this angst and have yet to organically come across a single person who even knows about this book. It hits different and it’s amazing and I’m done now and sorry for throwing this unhingedness in your inbox 🫠

majorly agree with all of this! and im still reeling from the book tbh, like there’s sooo much i wanna add to this but I just can’t find the words! I too have no one to talk to about this! None of my closest friends are readers! And exactly, the fact that Snow’s love was NEVER going to be enough and we as the reader know this is just… wow. I really really wanted him to change, be better. In the end, I wanted Lucy Gray to somehow outsmart him, get the best of him. Well, she didn’t but at least she found out the truth about him before she died. And you’re right about the feeling of your heart shattering… like I was reading it in a Starbucks bc I was running errands and I didn’t have the patience to go home and when I finished it I literally just sat there staring into space. That last scene by the lake haunts me. How Snow just… betrayed and left behind and killed the two people who loved him most: Sejanus and especially Lucy Gray. HE LOVED HER. But it wasn’t a pure love and it wasn’t enough 😭❤️

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

ik this is gonna kinda be an everyone-is-different situation but how do you cope w "what if no one sees me as a man dysphoria"? ive been struggling rlly bad w that tonight n i rlly didnt know who else to ask so im sorry if im overstepping boundaries or anything- and ofc dont at all feel obligated to ask!! i hope youre having a great day🤍🤍

I got a general ask here about tips for dysphoria.

But what you're asking seems to be more about the mental health side of things. Which is such a struggle I know. I can't say I've always dealt with it in healthy ways or in ways I'm proud of. But it's been a while since I was really depressed and mental health wise I'm doing way better. So most of my advice will be from things I found useful in my past. My memory might not be the best tho.

Some general easy things I found that can help:

-write it out. I can't stress how much holding in the anxiety and depression thoughts about "whether I'm a real man/women" can tear you apart. It's good to get it out of your system.

-likewise, talking to someone can help.

-if you're afraid you might harm yourself then don't let yourself be alone. You don't have to talk to someone or do anything with them. Just be in the same room. I know you don't want to be around anyone in that moment. But you're less likely to hurt yourself if someone is in the same room. Bonus points if it's someone who accepts you, but it's not necessary.

-therapy is always a good option. Finding someone that specializes or has other transgender patients.

-redirect your thoughts. "What if no one sees me as a man?" -> "What if they don't see me as a man YET?" Adding a yet can help a lot. Just because you're not there right now, doesn't mean you'll never be. It's similar to how saying "I want to take a nap" instead of "I want to kill myself" has been shown to improve people's self confidence. You can't just magically stop your brain from making those thoughts, but you can change the sentence to something more optimistic or mild.

-Distraction. Distraction. Distraction. When the thoughts as so intense that you can't handle it, sometimes it's best to just distract yourself until they've calmed down. Then you can address things. Whether that's what you need in a current moment will be up to you to decide. But making a good list of things that you think could be good distractions can help. Ex, I like to act out scenes from the stories I write, look at weird houses on Zillow, play video games, anything that involves having to think and move in some way. Just sitting and watching TV isn't engaging enough, and going on a run still lets my mind wonder. Those things aren't good for me in terms of distractions.

-meditation doesn't work well for me, but I've seen it work extremely well for others.

-make something. Bake something, cook something, design something with play dough. Being able to stand back and see something you've done is a good feeling to push the bad feels outta the way.

-do an activity you find gender affirming. Do you find using power tools to make you feel more masculine? Then go use some. (Gender roles are stupid and dumb, but so long as the exist you might as well use them to help you feel better about your actual gender).

-mantra line up with meditation and can help too. These are sentences or words you tell yourself regularly. And then you can use them when you're feeling especially bad to help lift your mood.

Hopefully at least one of those things can help you. Like I said, it's been a while since dysphoria has really hit me that badly. But things do get better. It's a tough place to be in I know. But there is a future for you where you will be seen for who you really are.

[cyberr4t]

idk but i dont really identify with the narrative of im trans bc i killed the person that was in this body and now im happier and im better then them

i feel like i've actually always been this way and right now i just have more tools to understand and to be who i am.

i can't abandon the traumatized trans kid i was bc that kid is still in here. They live inside this body. There are wounds still wide open and now that i know where some of them come from, i can heal and feel better about my traumatized trans kid past. I never pretended to be cis or that never was like, i was miserable bc i thought i was a woman and now im happier because im actually trans.

I was miserable bc my reality sucked. It sucked being the only queer person in school. The only proud kid for being gay and feeling platonic about the girls in class and in movies/video games. It sucked to not be able to talk about it to my friends. It sucked to not being able to talk about my sexuality and gender in my house.

I grew in a very quiet-hostile environment that led me to think i was wrong, disgusting, broken and unable to love. I had to prove myself wrong everyday and to reaffirm that being queer was actually something very cool. I had to built some kind of wall to block trauma at the same time i had to built confidence on my messy identity. I wanted to be like the boys, i wanted to be tough. I wanted to be soft and loved and cared for, i wanted more time. I wanted a dick so girls would love me back, but i wanted for them to not pursue me as a boy, bc at the time i thought manhood meant bad and abusive things.

I grew out of those experiences, yes. I changed. I changed a lot of concepts about what it means to me to be trans, to love women and yet not really feel like one, to love ppl with complex gender and to be someone with a complex gender. But it is not over yet. My trans kid is still looking out for me, searching for me, wishing me luck into our journey of being who we are.

And i think i'm still searching for all of those things. I think i wont ever find closure to those experiences by """becoming man""". I dont want to become shit. I want to prove the kid i was IT IS POSSIBLE to be all the things i am AND be in peace with what happened.

I dont think manhood is a bad thing anymore. I dont think womenhood only gave me trauma and frustration. I suffered from both. I experience both. And i'm probably none of those. And if i was, i wanted to be only the good perfect parts about it, but i'm not. I'm not becoming anything, im looking out for me. Searching for me in a world in which gender itself is already a tabboo, an unwanted topic.

btw i do respect other trans experiences and how we respond to transness in different ways and yes i do think it is valid to not relate to the person that used to be in your body and how changes (transitioning) modify your perspective to the point it really feels like someone died

but i particularly don't really desire that. i don't wish to all the pain i've been through to die. I wanna be able to be angry and to heal it, not shove it down to earth. I want to KNOW what i've been through, bc most of it i made myself forget. And i want to grow out of it, to learn myself. I want to have memory about things and have the right to remember those things.

And i think not feeling that i need to kill whoever been in this body before is a valid trans experience either.

[thefreakandthehair]

hi lex <3 im also talking with dio about this since he's beta'ing gseb, but i wanna know how you're able to write dialogue without it sounding awkward or stiff?? i spent a majority of my teenagehood non verbal for multiple reasons and im still trying to learn how to have conversations with people irl outside of professional settings. i usually just let the other person speak and reply with "yeah" or "uh huh" in the right spots to let them know im listening

hi cj! 💕 ooooo, this implies that you think mine isn't stiff or awkward so I'm sending you a hug or handshake or whatever kind gesture you're open to because dialogue is my most beloathed. it's my biggest weakness in writing and it's something that takes a lot of time to formulate and edit, too!

for stranger things fic, I find myself rewatching certain scenes or episodes to refresh my memory of how the characters talk, and that usually helps because it gives me an example to run with! I also try to keep the thread of the story and what the purpose of the dialogue is. so like, am I trying to explain something about the plot to the reader? or am I trying to show something about the character to the reader? sometimes that helps inform what I make them say and how I make them say it. it's the difference between:

"Do you think we can actually get Vecna this time? I mean, if a shotgun and a molotov didn't do it the first time, what makes you think some homegrown flame-thrower will this time?" -Steve (plot-based! clarifies for the reader what the plan is)

v.

"I don't know, man. It's our second shot at Vecna, and I have a feeling it's our last. It's gotta work this time. It has to." - Steve (character-based! shows the reader where Steve's head is at, and Steve's desperation and determination to kill Vecna for good)

this got long and idk if it's helpful or makes sense at all lmao omg sorry for rambling!!

[richardsphere]

Rwby Catchup: V8E2

Oh no Jaques is still in the plot. That sucks, i really hoped they wouldnt make him overstay his presence. (but then again, people above are all locked up with Ironwood with no outside help incoming, we’ve got a limited cast so i’ll look the other way). Seriously, why hasnt Captain Despot just executed Watts? I assume they’ll claim he’s “trying to gather information from Watts”, but the scene is not selling it (not nearly enough indications of Watts having been tortured for information Gitmo-style to sell that idea). Also they all share prisons so i guess this is going to be one of those “lets make an uneasy alliance” plotlines that inevitably falls flat on the heroes faces? Jaques still thinks that Captain Despot has a fear of lawyers apparently. how  did you get to be in charge of a global megacorporation with this little sense of how the world works? YES they are going to torture him for intel! Ok his survival is at least semi-justified now. Yang gets a new motorcycle (the old one is still at the bottom of the river) and immediatly does an unnecessary wall-ride flip-stunt thing for no reason, fires her shotgungauntlets for good measure (wasnt it an established plotpoint that James was hoarding all the dust for his plans and that the entirety of Mantle was running low on all supplies? Seems a bit wastefull) Jaune is such a defensively spec’d character, even his grenades are shields. Ozma is talking again, god does he ever stop talking about how “we all need to work together”, its his favourite thing to jabber on about (right after “trust me the secrets i keep are for good reasons and definitly wont bite you in the but again”). Also he says he’s “been regaining his oldest memories”, as if to imply he’s just forgotten most of his history with salem somehow? How has humanity made it this far with this guy at the helm anyway? “all the drones report to the company, not the general”. You mean the company whose owner is now in prison, and whose personal password to everything has been taken by Watts?  Btw, is it me or are they really overplaying the “emotionless robot-voice” on Penny ever since they returned her from the dead?  Wait did she legitimately consider James a friend? I really like sheepgirls power to just “absorb anything into her hands”, it means we get to have a named character who is both combat capable as well as not carrying big-ass weapons everywhere all the time.| Moleman is back for a second scene. (i assume it’ll be his second-to-last. He’s got real “going to be murdered to motivate Oscar energy about him) Huh, moleman is “phi”‘s uncle. I stand corrected, he’ll die to motivate “phi”. (have we gotten a full name yet? Anyway she’s my favourite of the Huntresses. But then again i love myself a heart-of-gold goofball) Congrats Knightboy, you have killed your first actual dragon. (at least im fairly certain i saw one shoot fire in an earlier scene. TBH a lot of these grimm’s abilities start to run through eachother at this point) Sniffygrimm is Biteygrim. Oh so now the grimm can shapeshift themselves at will to alter themselves at-will?  “but grimm arent that smart” Didnt Oobleck tell the girls in like, season one or two that grimm get smarter as they age? This doesnt seem shocking to me. And it can talk, ok maybe it isnt old but probably just a second Tyrian-level-loyal human a grimmsuit.  Why wait until NOW to grow those wings, If you are supposed to be so tactically minded dont you know how adventageous an aerial advantage can be? Have i mentioned how much i hate the “you wouldnt believe me if i told you” cliche, i mean there are definitly stories and places where it has its place but “Phi” is aware of Salem at this point thanks to Jimmy’s Mantle Broadcast. I think a simple “Teammate captured by Supergrim” would not be disbelieved.

[halfblood-princes-crown]

elanon again and jsut finished reading book two!!

some thoughts (other than the important ones) I couldn’t put in my other ask is here

I’ll just get this out of the way, my ao3 original story thing has a new summary and new prologue BUT i will be changing the prologue again soon, to a much better one ☝️

Editing is hard but we push and push

chapter one might be two to three weeks later

moving along,

Salazar Slytherin I dont know if it’s confirmed he started the classism or not, but he did say the basisilks will kill whoever is unworthy sooo I think that that guy is a real family man 💀

‘I’m not gonna specify what I mean by unworthy because my family is always right!’

anyways Harry is either desperate for approval or just a very ambitious guy like ‘my arm is broken and i could die if we don’t guve up the match’ and he WINS goddamn

Also the foreshadowing is insane frl

(about tom)

“maybe he killed mrytle” -ron

AND IT TURNS OUT HE KILLED MYRTLE

also no one suspecting snape? understandable

I really wish there was more done with the parasel tongue

i understand why the teachers went to evacuate instead of rescue first because it did say ‘her body will lie in the chambers’ and no one knows where it is with barely any rumors to hint (except Myrtle but everyone was freaking out)

so I can tell why they sent Lockhart to ‘fetch the body’ while evacuating everyone else

also how did tom know about Aragog?

😳😳😳😳😳

Hagrid voldemort ex best friends real???

also tom sounds like a fucking loser

cant even talk to the principal 🙄🙄

IM ACTUALLY SO EXCITED FOR THE THIRD BOOK

thats all! Tell me if u want updates on that

Have an galactic day 🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌

HEEYYYY 😌 congrats on finishing

Can’t wait to see the update on the prologue!

Yes, editing is hard but we must persevere! 😤

AH can’t wait until you post the chapters 🤩

Salazar 🤔 I’ve seen so many metas on his intentions and none of them stuck to memory 😭 next time you update I’ll hopefully have an answer about that

Imma go with ambitious 🧐 Harry had a lot of ambition! Another good Slytherin trait if I do say so myself 😌

AND YES! I LOVE some good foreshadowing! That’s one of the reason why I read/watch things multiple times, because I look for foreshadowing that I might have missed the first time

The parseltongue! I agree, they should have really did something more with that 🤩 that would have been epic

Yea, the best method is evacuate first in most situations. Like you said, nobody knew where it was so the best option was to get the rest of the children to safety and then figure something out

platonic Tom x Hagrid! Snap snap people! Make it happen 🤌🏽

Not you calling Tom a loser, I’m dead 💀😭 pls

And OFC I want updates! I want updates until you finish the WHOLE series. I’m dedicated to your dedication

Have euphoric day ✨

[mono-dot-jpeg]

shadow of a thought - c! wilbur

summary; you were always a passing thought. even if you were his kid.

genre; teen! reader, parent! wilbur, angst, brother! fundy, idk who hurt me to make this, fish hybrid! reader, no happy ending bc im a bitch

word count; 1.02k

[lowercase intended] [gender neutral reader] [platonic]

a/n; let’s not talk abt the fact that i love hurting myself emotionally- shhh i wanted to write something like this for a while anyways, enjoy this angst while i tie up my hands from posting my techno draft.

ngl, this isn’t that good. at least for my standards-

you were born probably a year after fundy. so you were younger, though not by much but fundy usually used it to his advantage during petty fights. fortunately and yet unfortunately, you never spent that much time with your brother. despite being semi-aquatic, you much preferred staying in the water than being on land. it didn’t mean you never went on land, you just really liked how peaceful everything was underwater.

but of course living underwater came with a price. you were harder to contact unless you have your communication on you, you could literally be anywhere and no one would be able to find you, and you never had many friends. you had your grandpa phil, uncle techno and ranboo despite them living much farther from you. they were probably the ones that visited you the most.

but before those three had got on the smp, you did have fundy and wilbur. keyword: did. once the war of independence started, there was a rift in the family. wilbur wanted to protect his kids, but he only took fundy into the walls of l’manburg. you were left in the outside of the walls, forced to be under dream’s rule. 

you can remember how dream had held you captive for a while to bait out wilbur, and yet, you heard nothing from your father except radio silence. that hurt you to say the least. you think that maybe he just didn’t wanna risk anything. you tried to convince yourself that he would come get you.

that was a lie. he didn’t come get you. you stayed captive in dream’s hands for who knows how long, you didn’t even know. dream eventually let you go, soon realizing that wilbur wouldn’t get you. you always wished that you met your mother at least once, you’re sure that you would get along so well with her than you would with your father.

then the war was over, l’manburg was free. at least for now it was. wilbur and fundy visited you though it wasn’t as often as it used to be. it was bitter, knowing that wilbur and fundy were busy with their lives. but as long as they were happy.

there was a time where you tried to live in l’manburg, maybe you could spend more time with your father and brother. it didn’t work. you felt more alone. everyone on land was friends, and they had their respective roles in l’manburg. you only had yourself. you didn’t stay in l’manburg for long, especially after you heard about the election. 

you never really like partaking in things like that, it always seemed to tear others apart from what you learned. the rift in the family was already big enough, you didn’t wanna make it any worse. 

manburg was now the new country, tommy and wilbur got banished out of manburg and now they had nothing. you offered to help wilbur and tommy, only to be met with “how do we know that you’ll be good at fighting? all you did was sit back in the last war.” you never really expected wilbur to be so blunt in the last sentence, you couldn’t even be mad because he was right. you could’ve helped but you didn’t and now you pay the price.

you were radio silent for a long time but it seemed like no one cared to ask you about it. not like anyone cared anyways. you didn’t mind, wilbur was busy planning to take back manburg for themselves. technoblade was new to the server and on his trips to get resources, he had found you. you two became friends, you weren’t sure how it happened but techno seemed to tolerate you and that was enough for you.

techno visited much more, he told you, “you’re better company than tommy. plus you can help me get a trident.” you were just happy to make a friend. you never talked too much, scared that you would spill out your troubles to him. he told you a bunch of stories though, some about greek mythology, some about history, some about your father and tommy. hearing the stories about your father always made you sad because techno talked about him and fundy and not you. did wilbur never tell anyone about you? you didn’t wanna know that answer but it already seemed so clear.

and soon, the revolution came, you saw the destruction and the downfall of manburg. you saw withers, unfortunately you had lost a life due to them. techno had found out, apologizing for it. you reassured him that you were fine. but then came the news that your grandpa phil had killed your dad. you were devastated. so much for trying to be there for him. he was gone and now he was ghostbur. a ghost that didn’t even know any bad memories. you met ghostbur and you had never felt so hurt. the ghost version of himself was better than the alive version of him. he actually visited you, he talked to you. you weren’t just a passing thought. but you knew, you knew that this was really your father once he had asked who you were to him.

“you don’t remember me?”

“i’m really sorry, but i did loose a lot of memories after i died! i have a memory book, remembering everything i can right now!” he held up the small book, soon listing some of the things on it. “...and like fundy growing up!” and yet he never remembered you growing up. it’s not like he even saw you grow up since he was so busy protecting fundy.

“y-yeah, that’s understandable. i’m y/n.”

you went to techno and phil after that conversation. you felt so forgotten, so left out. you wonder what you did to deserve such a thing. to be forgotten, to be pushed away and left out by your family. you were used to it and yet at the same time, the pain never ceased everytime it happened. 

“you know there was something that i think about,” you muttered. “it was never meant to be. i was never meant to be.”

[saturnsstufff]

If your requests are open, could you maybe do a C!Techno x Reader? Like, the Butcher Army is there for Techno and Phil wasn't able to give him a\such an early head's up so he's not really prepared, and Quackity has the reader hostage when they show, cause maybe they were outside doing something... You don't have to, of course! -Sugar Anon (may I claim this Anon?)

Ooh! Most definitely! And of course you can claim it your my first anon!🖤

Warnings: Blood, swearing

Techno was a pretty well known man, lets face it. Maybe not in the way you hoped, and in this instance you mean he was wanted.

But you were not awhere of that because you lived with him out in the chilly Tundra. Phil would usally bring you two the new updates and anything you should be aware of. So when he didnt show for his morning tea you were a but skeptical to say the least. But techno had casually shrugged his shoulders, waving it off that he had gotten busy. This was true. Phil was a awfully busy man, he never seemed to stop moving, building, or exploring. So you joined techno on his assumption.

Techno was casually brewing potions that afternoon. Not a uncommon occurance to say the least. You had grown accustomed to seeing the towering man working over his bottles. His large but gentle hands gracefully, and carefully manuvering the glasses to where he pleased.

"Techno love? Im going to go trade these books nearby ok?" You mentioned as you took your cloak. Slipping it on so you could contain your warm. Techno hummed in agreement. Since you were so far from L'amanburg he didn't really mind you walking freely to the nearby village. He actually viewed your common trips as a large help.

"I have seven emeralds in that chest over there, could you see if any of them are willing to trade for a mending book?" He asked well he looked up to you. His reading glasses resting on his nose. You smiled brightly and nodded.

"Of course!" Anything you could do to help you were down to do. L'amanburg wasn't aware Techno had a lover, mostly because Techno didn't want you getting pulled into his rather volient affairs. He viewed them as his battles. Not battles that you had to fight.

Well collecting the gems into your basket he spoke up again, his hand coming to the small of your back. "Take Carl ok? I can't have my princess walking like the peasants do" he said bemused. Pressing a gentle but loving kiss to your forhead.

You leaned into him, enjoying the physical affection he gave you. Techno wasn't one to voice his love Rather, instead he would gift you, or make physical actions twords showing you how much he cared.

You walked out and hopped onto Carl the sturdy, and loyal steed waiting for the new adventure he would be taking. Edging your heels into him you began to head for the forest.

After a while of riding through the woods you began to grow weary. You felt like you were being watched. You were not a Hybrid like Techno so you couldnt smell or hear any abnormalities. But you just knew somthing was off. It was a harsh mental debate on whether to turn around or continue. Ultimately you decided it was best to just turn around. For how on edge you were you figured that telling Techno, and him laughing at you was better than lingering outside anymore.

You pulled the reigins, signaling for Carl to turn, however when you did, someone had jumped onto Carl behind you. Grabbing you tightly to prevent your flailing. You couldnt help the blood curdling scream you let out before your mouth was covered by a hand. You were panicking. You couldnt see your attacker but very well felt them behind you.

"Im gonna make you a deal. Your going to take us back to that nice cottage of yours, or I'll paint your blood all over the snow" the voice sneered next to your ear. "Im going to remove my hand. If you so as utter a word I wont hesatate to get rid of you. Am I clear?" The voice was slow, but threatening. They meant what they said. You could only nod slowly as he removed his hand from your mouth. "In case you get a wild burst of courage... I'll just leave this here" he had taken his sword out. Lingering it by your neck. You didn't know what else to do, so you just took the reigins and slwoly started back home.

When you got to Technoblade's Cottage you were forced off of Carl, the snow did little in softening your fall. You looked up praying thag techno herd some commotion.

"Technoblade get your ass out here!" The man Yelled, you looked up to him. He had black hair poking out from his beanie. Underneath his armor was a bloody a apron. All, in all, not someone you wanted to be around.

When the door opened you called out for Techno. Trying to make a run for him. But instead you were only grabbed by your ankle and dragged back to the raven haired man. The sword he held finding it's way to your neck.

"Let her go Quackity." Techno's eyes were narrowed and calculated. He wasn't pleased by any means for how Quackity was manhandling you.

"You think I'm going to listen to you? Your fucking delusional. Heres whats going to happen Techno. Your going to come with us. Or I'll kill her and give your front lawn a nice new red decoration." You whimpered. All you wanted was Techno. You wanted to be in his arms, you didn't like how This 'Quackity' man was talking or handling you.

"Your going to let her go first." Techno stepped closer. His hand drawing his blade. You could see Techno's breathing. He was angry, and so were the voices.

"I wouldn't step any closer." The blade pressed in more. Your hand coming up to try and push the blade away. "Your going to drop your blade and walk up to fundy to get handcuffed. Then I'll let her go." You watched as Techno weighed his options. In the end he did drop his blade. He valued your life above everything. Once his hands were tied securely, you were let free. The first thing you did was run to techno. Hugging onto him for dear life.

"(Y/n) listen to me. Your going to go into the house and wait for Philza. Ok?" You looked up at him with pain in your eyes, shaking your head.

"No! Im not letting you go alone!" You started to tear. You didnt know where they were taking him. But you knew it wasn't good.

"(Y/n) I said go in the house. I will be fine.." He manuvered his head to wrap around yours since his arms couldn't. "I don't want you involved ok?..." his tone was gentle, trying to ease your haywire nerves.

"Techno please let me come.." Your eyes begged, but he didnt budge. Quackity only took and shoved Techno further.

"Wait in the House!" Was the final thing he said as he was forced over the Hill.

Waiting for his return had you beyond restless. You could only look from the clock back to the fire. The raging 'What if's running through your brain. It was extremely late before techno had returned back home.

When he opened the door you rushed over to him. Almost tripping over your own feet. To feel him in your arms was the one thing you needed to calm your nerves. You gripped onto him for dear life. His arms gently wrapped around you. Rubbing a ligjt circle into your back.

"Thank god your home" you said. Your face buried into his chest. The lingering sent of dynamite and the iron smell of blood on his clothes. "I was so worried about you..." you felt his hand move to the underside of your thighs. Lifting you up into his arms so he could move inside.

"Come now princess... You didnt really think I would let anything happen to myself, now would you?" He mused. His eyes soft as he looked up into yours.

"I.. I mean" You looked down at him, the bit of worry still remaining. He sat down on his sofa. Leaning back into it as he looked up at you.

"Baby girl, you know Technoblade never dies" He said cocking a eyebrow up as his face went smug. You only smiled a little at that. Moving to rest your head in his neck.

"I still worried..." you said gently. Relaxing into his chest. Glad to see him home safely.

"I know princess... I know" He knew he would have to tell you about the execution. But for now he knew you were distraught. He may have been poor at comforting, but he knew right now the best thing was for you to just lay in his arms at peace. Let you try and forget what Quackity had probably etched into your memory for months to come. Because Quackity was only the start now. Now everyone knew, Techno had someone he truly loved.

[genoc1d3r]

my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b

ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.

I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES

Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.

Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something. 

GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.

Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.

Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”

 Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.

Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this: 

But yeah thats cool

The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving. 

This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.

But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.

Predictions/hopes for the next part: 

I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.

A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se  they died so soon

More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo

More info regarding Meister

Sara going on Maury

Who tf is “Hinako”????

I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.

Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???

I want things to actually change  depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.

[dwter]

What do u think the big dsmp update is i think itl be something like a memory wipe or so idk idk what else it could be unless its like some big fight but ik cdream has something planned and lots of people on the server kinda like him ish (remmeber the line "everyones gonna think i changed while i make ur life a living hell") i think maybe wel get that also in dre and wilburs reddit post they make the point of cdream tormenting ctommy by bring back cwil clear 🤔

this shit is so long brah im so sorry but IM SO GLAD IVE FINALLY WRITTEN EVERYTHING IVE WANTED DOWN 😭🌟 ok click for my. Thoughts 🙌🏽

if its a memory wipe im killing myself Hope that helps BUT i also have a few reasons why i dont think it will be. a) i dont think the smp would be as enthusiastic as they seem to be for whatever dream has planned if it was a memory wipe. we can look at it from a passion/sentimentality point of “they care too much abt what theyve already put into the story/developing their characters” but even from a logic standpoint it makes no sense. no one on that server that very few ppl have motivation for would suddenly become excited at the idea of having to “start fresh” but not even genuinely start fresh as theyd still have to adhere to whats around them. plus having to remake dynamics that were heavily cc-based anyways takes so much effort specifically bc they would be different from the original lore which was build on, again, the ccs actual dynamics that evolved over time. i just dont see the ccs, esp someone like tommy for instance who has said hes excited for what dream has planned, to be motivated by any form of a memory wipe.

b) i feel like dream (cc) sees and understands the value in the dynamics that currently exist in the smp and wouldnt change and discard them to that extent, both as a storyteller/lorehead but also career/retention-wise. do i see him creating an event that fucks up/twists/moves around the dynamics? absolutely. completely amnesia tho? no. hes a smart guy and one of the people most invested in the lore (and probably the lore-based community as a result) he KNOWS what ppl like and what keeps them here and there no way he doesnt see the personalities, histories and evolved dynamics as what does that, at least partially

c) it would be too much work + wouldnt make people log on a lot or in massive crowds. usually what makes ppl log on both in large amounts and consistently is 1. a set goal/focus 2. knowing other ppl are on 3. being able to do what makes them comfortable. 1 and 2 are self explanatory but with 3 i mean that ppl who dont want to do lore/dont enjoy doing heavy intense lore where they have to be in character all the time would not like or be comfortable with a memory wipe where they have to pretend and stick to that basically the whole time, esp if they cant rmr each other. imagine someone like tubbo for instance wanting to slip into casualness and just play and half talk to chat half be involved and slipping up about the memory stuff and getting frustrated like thats super real. amnesia would be terrible for morale and is just too much investment for a ton of them and wouldnt motivate ppl to log on (at least in the long run)

ok now that ive explained myself about this: what do i think it could be

i am a huge believer in the apocalypse theory/things similar. it would be a perfect ripple in the dynamics currently set without damaging, eroding or erasing them. it also would be able to give a goal/focus for the ccs which is one of the biggest motivators for ppl logging on which is also part another motivator which is literally just ppl being there when u log on/logging on with u. and it also lets ppl interact with lore and intensely or casually as they want as there is nothing they have to commit to the whole time or force them to go in and out of “lore mode” awkwardly. they can do whatever they want and say whatever they want, it is just up to them how in character they want to be and they can hang out and be with whoever fits their vibes the best in that sense, or go back and forth.

it just does what the reboot/update SHOULD do: give purpose in playing again, refresh whats already there, make things less ridged, let ppl start fresh without actually starting fresh and most importantly: LETS PPL HAVE FUN! and whether fun is lore breathing into a mic for an hour or a chill mining stream to prepare for whatever the apocalypse has caused/is or just fucking with your friends—this specific kind of reboot lets all of those co-exist if they want it to.

as for ur ideas: in my heart of hearts i dont want to believe it but the “im going to make ur life a living hell etc” line seems to be referencing the boy who cried wolf plot which is. Dead in the ground i fear <- says through gritted teeth. i would LOVEEEEEE if that line became important again but i just feel like all its implications have kind of been abandoned, at least what they used to be. and about ppl mostly liking cdream hmmm ….. i dont know how much that will play a role if things got rebooted, especially regarding ctommy. i dont think anything like final disc finale but with cdream and ctommys role reversed will happen. no one/not enough ppl on the server is cdreampilled OR ctommynegpilled enough for anything like that. plus a big fight wouldnt cause this much excitement (although i do wonder if the revamp is partially pvp based bc with how excited cctommy sounded about it, it definitely could be. thats something he rly enjoys and likes about minecraft and dsmp like he mentioned it in the tribute video (like the battles he had with dream being his fav)). that last point IS interesting tho hmmm ….. maybe it was just stating a fact rather than it being foreshadowing? although cdream hasnt used cwilbur enough as leverage for me to think theyre done/didnt have anything else planned for that. either way tho, im not sure how much that involves the update since i think for it to make EVERYONE excited, it has to be something that involves the entire smp/affects it all/everyone, not just the big three

ANYWAYS thank u for reading all my rambles and thoughts if u made it this far anonnie or anyone else. i feel at peace now. mind body and soul. all at ease. 😊❤️