#i still haven’t done anything creative since the year started pretty much

[heavyedit]

medical websites love to be like “how to stop having physical stress symptoms: 1. be in less stressful situations 2. don’t be stressed”

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

Sweaty

week 2 of the Winter Writing Challenge

prompt: "I totally definitely did not just watch you chop wood outside.“ 

Summary: Things.... escalate after Joel caught you watching him chopping some wood outside in the snow.

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader

Wordcount: 2.1k

Rating: E

Warnings: some domestic fluff, flirting, smut (unprotected sex), f masturbation, cum play, some dirty talk, Joel Miller really being into readers tits, humour I guess?

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Ellie was hovering behind you. 

„Stop it,“ you hummed, your hand steady as you tried yourself on the first decorative frosting of cookies in… twenty years. 

„I’m not doing anything,“ she whined. You could feel her breath on your upper arm. Turning you head to the side you narrowed her eyes at her. 

„I wanna waaaatch. It’s so cool,“ she pouted. 

You sighed. 

„Okay. But you gotta give me some space. I haven’t done this in a long time,“ you said. She grinned, taking a step to the side. 

Ellie had asked you for help.

She wanted to do something nice for Dina and asked you for advice. You ended up offering to teach her to bake some of Dina’s favourite cookies and then help decorating them with whatever you could find in the community kitchen. 

Turned out Ellie was not as creative with cookie decorating.

She got frustrated pretty quickly, leaving you to do most of the decorating, while she cleaned up the kitchen. But now she was finished and while you still hated people watching you when you worked, you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the girl standing next to you. 

Things did not start out like that with the two of you. 

You had moved into the house they had apparently occupied when they came here the first time, leaving Ellie calling you House thief for the first months after meeting. 

More than once you had offered to move, the house being way to big just for you alone, but Maria and Joel had insisted you stayed. 

Ellie and Joel had moved into the house across from you instead, leaving you with your official first neighbours. 

They both did not talk much in the beginning, nor did you see much of them. 

Sometimes you saw them leave the house together in the early morning when you were just finishing getting dressed. Sometimes you saw Joel sitting alone outside of his porch, a guitar in his lap, his eyes far away. 

You hadn’t really talked to either of them until a month after they joined the community and Ellie had somehow managed to break you kitchen window as she played outside. 

Joel had made her say sorry before he offered to fix the window up for you. 

And it seemed like Joel found reasons to come and see you after that alone. Without Ellie around, just him and you. 

Your sink leaked? Joel would fix it. 

Creaky floorboards? Fixed within a day. 

Your back was tense, because you had spent all day cleaning out the stables? Joel’s big hands could help. 

Thinking back, him offering to massage you had been smooth as hell, but you were just too thankful and exhausted that day to notice just how much he had been flirting with you. Or maybe you were generally not used to people being very interested in you. 

Hell, to this day you went all shy when he told you all the things he wanted to do with you (or to you).

It had now officially been nine months since you and Joel started dating, and three months since both Joel and Ellie moved into your house. 

You were putting the finishing touches to the cookies, when you heard the door open and close, followed from a long released deep sigh, that brought a smile to your lips. 

„Joel’s home!“ Ellie said just before he walked into the kitchen. You looked over your shoulder, smiling at him. 

„Though patrol?“ You asked. 

„Stupid fucking newcomers want to play hero just to get knocked of their horses,“ he grumbled, walking over to you. He kissed your cheek, smiling at you. 

„Ugh, gross,“ Ellie gagged and you rolled your eyes. 

„That’s gross? Remind me who asked me to help her bake cookies for the girl she’s crushing on again?“ You sing sang and Ellie blushed. 

„Shut up. You’re like ancient…. And I do not have a crush,“ she mumbled, grabbing a cookie to hide her smile before she sprinted out of the kitchen and you heard her footsteps walk up the stairs. 

Joel’s arms wrapped around you from behind, his chin resting on your shoulder. You brought one cookie up, feeding it to him. 

He moaned softly, enjoying the taste. 

„How about you leave some of that frosting for later?“ He asked, licking his lips. You set your frosting tools down, turning in his arms with an eyebrow raised. 

„To do what exactly?“ You pursed your lips.

He leaned in, kissing you softly. 

„Guess you’ll have to wait to find out,“ he winked, pecking your lips again before he took a step back. 

„I’ll get some wood from outside and then I’ll take a shower,“ he said.

„Okay,“ you smiled.

Half an hour later you had put all cookies away, Ellie had grabbed and packed the ones for Dina and left for the birthday sleepover party and Joel was still outside. 

With the intention to look for him outside you made your way towards the front door, grabbing his extra winter jacket to stay warm, and then walked towards the back of the house. 

It was a chilly December day, snow shovelled high everywhere, yet there he was. Joel Miller, stripped off of his flannel and only wearing his grey undershirt, swinging an axe down on a log of wood, splitting it in half with what looked like ease, the wood seemingly melting against the force of the blade. 

You stopped in your tracks, your feet seemingly glued to the snowy ground beneath you, watching the man you loved split some firewood. His hand gripping the handle of the axe, the muscles of his arms flexing every time he split another log of wood. His shirt clinging to his sweaty chest.

You swallowed, your eyes tracing the veins of his arms you loved to brush your fingers on whenever you had the chance to. 

You kept watching him, for what felt like hours (or days) but probably only minutes, fascinated (and turned on) by the sheer strength of his body. 

Fuck, your man was hot. 

Joel set the axe down, his hand brushing his hair back as he groaned, brushing the sweat that had started trickling down his temples away. When he looked up he found you standing there, watching him. 

He tilted his head and you flushed, your teeth catching your upper lip between them, nervous. 

And yeah, still turned on. 

It only took seconds for Joel to access just why you were looking at him like you wanted to jump him, his left eyebrow raising in question, a smirk playing on the corner of his lips. 

Not wanting to embarrass yourself by more ogling you turned around, intending to walk back into the house, when you slipped, crying out in surprise, but before you could fall to the ground, hands wrapped around your upper arms, keeping your upright. 

Both of his arms wrapped around you from behind then, one of his hands on your stomach, keeping you close to his body. His nose in your hair. 

He smelled of leather, nature and sweat. 

„Careful there sweetheart,“ he whispered and you shivered. 

„Can’t just run from me after undressing me with your pretty eyes…“ he kissed your neck. You closed your eyes, tilting your head to give him more space. 

„I.. I wasn’t…“ you began to lie but he hushed you. 

„You weren’t watching me? Getting a little turned on?“

„… No?“ You gasped, feeling his fingers play with the waistband of the sweatpants you had on, having left the jacket unzipped as you left the house. 

„So… your little pussy isn’t dripping for me right now?“

You scoffed. 

„My little pussy is always wet for you, baby,“ you smiled softly, closing your eyes. 

„God damn right she is,“ you felt him grin against your neck. 

He had you stripped down within seconds, making you lay with your legs spread for him on your bed while he got out of his clothes, having you whimpering when he pulled his belt of the loops of his jeans with one fluent movement. 

„Touch yourself baby,“ he said, getting his shirt off. 

You brought one of your hands straight between your legs, playing with your clit. 

„Fuck, you’re so fucking sexy,“ he groaned, making quick work of his pants and underwear, shrugging them off. He spit into his hand before he wrapped his hand around his cock, pumping it slowly as he watched you. 

You moaned. 

„Can see how wet you are. Can smell you. Put two fingers inside,“ he said, his voice raspy and deep. Sinful. 

You obeyed, pushing two of your fingers inside, whimpering softly. 

„Fuck yeah,“ he hummed.

The bed dipped and Joel’s hands were on either of your knees, his gaze fixed on how you were fucking yourself with your fingers. 

„Wanna fuck you hard,“ he groaned and you moaned. 

„Do it,“ you sighed, close to your first orgasm. 

His hand wrapped around your wrist, pulling your fingers out of your pussy and into his mouth, his tongue cleaning your cum off, humming as if It was a five course meal. 

„Fucking delicious. Best pussy I ever tasted,“ he winked and you chuckled.

„Ready for me sweetheart?“ He asked, kneeling between your legs. He notched his cock against your pussy, using his hand to slip it over your clit, playing with it. 

„I’m so fucking horny for you. Just fuck me,“ you whimpered. 

„Gonna make your tits jiggle for me,“ he winked, before he lined his cock up and filled you in one hard thrust, both of you moaning.

„Oh fuck,“ you cried out. He did not give you much time to get used to the size of his cock, starting to fuck you in quick, hard movements. You stretched your arms above your body against the mattress, pushing your chest out towards him, your tits moving every time he thrusts into you. 

„So god damn wet,“ Joel groaned, pumping into you, moving your whole body with his forceful thrusts. The headboard was hitting the wall and you were thankful Ellie would be out of the house for the whole night.

„Fucking love your tits,“ he rasped and you playfully wiggled your chest, making him groan.

„Not gonna last long today. Touch that clit for me,“ he said and you did. Your hand back between your legs, parting two fingers to feel where he was filling you before you began to circle your clit, the combination of him fucking you and playing with your clit leaving you reaching your orgasm in record time, crying out his name. 

„Fuck,“ he groaned, pumping into you a handful more times before he pulled out, jerking himself off until he released a long groan, coming all over your stomach and tits.

„Mmmmhhh…“ you hummed, your eyes closed as you panted for breath. 

When your eyes opened Joel still had his hand wrapped around his cock, his eyes burning into you. Letting go of his cock he brought both of his hand down on your body, smearing his cum all over your tits and stomach, massaging it in. 

„You really like tits, huh?“ You asked and he smiled, almost shyly 

„Really like your tits,“ he winked, using both of his hands to squeeze them. He groaned as he softly let himself fall down on top of you, his weight a welcome blanket, his head resting between your tits. 

„We gonna be all sticky,“ you mumbled, pulling one of your arms around him, your other hand brushing through his hair. 

„Don’t care. `s comfortable,“ he kissed your tit and you smiled. 

„All of this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t ogled me like fresh meat outside,“ he said and you laughed. 

"I did not ogle!" you said.

"Uh huh. You totally did watch me watch chop firewood outside," Joel said smug.

"I totally definitely did not just watch you chop wood outside,“ you giggled.

"Sure sure," Joel hummed.

You laid there in each others embrace in comfortable silence for a moment.

„So us being sticky is now my fault?“ You asked after a while. 

„Jep,“ he kissed your tit again.

„I guess I can live with that,“ you said and you felt him moving a little on top of you until his lips wrapped around your nipple, sucking softly on it, making you sigh.  One of his hand was on your other tit, softly squeezing it.

You sucked your bottom lip between your teeth before a teasing grin came to your lips. 

„Imagine if these were full of milk,“ you teased and felt him still. 

„God fucking damn it, woman.“

[ghostoffuturespast]

Works In Progress 2023: A Cyberpunk 2077 Year In Review

I thought for a hot minute about doing one of those snazzy templates that’s been going around, but editing photos just ain’t my MO and rather than going by month I picked 12 favs that I’ve posted in 2023. Some of them were popular, some of them weren't. Overall, I think I did pretty good for just doing vanilla photomode on console.

You might be wondering why there's a picture of a sticky note. I don't remember when I started doing this, and I'm horribly inconsistent as you can see by the dates, but I'll jot down my word count for my wip chapter and then jot it down again when I remember to later.

I write slow. A lot of times I sit down to write and it feels like the wheels are spinning in place. My minutes and hours don't stretch very far, typically don't add up to much. But days, weeks, months. That's when I can at least measure the progress.

Fic: So It Goes 40/44 - 438,946 words

My V x River Ward and tinfoil hat conspiracy theory long fic. I've spent way more hours on this then I have on any of my VP.

I got tagged by @just-a-cybercroissant @therealnightcity and @wanderingaldecaldo to do some WIP Whenevers. I post my VP pretty regularly, so it’s always seemed silly to do work in progress posts for them, and I don’t know when I’ll have any new writing to share since in between work and the holidays, I haven’t had much time to sit down with anything since my last chapter update. And I've been feeling very... stingy, lately. Especially when it comes to mine and other people's writing. So take this WIP/Year In Review as my offering. Both these series, as am I, are all very much still works in progress. 

I confined my reflections for this year below the cut. If you don’t want to read my long-ass essays, you can admire the pictures, maybe check out my fic, or just move along and have yourself a lovely day.

We’ll start with the easy one.

VP

After at least a year of multiple playthroughs (I’ve played all the lifepaths, done all the endings), it only occurred to me at the beginning of this year to start taking VP. Part of the reason I never did before was because I didn’t realize it was a thing and then by the time I did, I figured I didn’t have much to offer. I play on PS5 and only have access to vanilla photomode, so seeing everyone else’s high-fidelity, ultra ray-tracing, modded, posed, full on virtual photo shoot photos, I was like there’s no way. (Not that I’m hating on PC modders, it’s just not everyone has access to mods or a PC capable of running the game, and I’m all for making art and creative endeavors accessible.) On top of that, all I’d ever heard from most other folks was how much vanilla photomode sucked. In the glamorous world of VP, I didn’t think there was any room for me.

But I started snapping pics anyway. And sure, there are a lot of limitations with vanilla photomode. But what that really translates to is opportunities to get creative. I am also a hoe for subverting people’s expectations, and very much believe when there’s a will, there’s a way.

Environmental and landscape shots were my first subjects before I started branching out into portraits and then capturing story moments. Through VP I found an entirely new way to enjoy a game that I’d already played a ridiculous number of times along with also finally being brave enough to share my V with other people too. I’d always worried about that before, if people would like her. Granted, I know Grandpa’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but whether you like her or not, I certainly think she’s made a name for herself over the past few months. Even if most people haven’t really gotten to know her the way I’d hoped. 

I’ve taken hundreds of photos this past year. Most of which I’ll never share. There’s a lot of flops, a lot of weird experiments, ones that didn’t quite turn out the way I’d hoped, but I’ve learned something from every single one of them. I know how to spot good lighting, frame shots to create optical illusions, get a very limited toolkit to work in my favor, parkoured on all of the things, and heck, I even figured out how to make Grandpa smooch other NPCs. I’ve done atmospheric, mundane, down right goofy, as well as things that most people probably thought weren’t fucking possible.

I can’t say how long I’ll keep doing this, I’m sure I’ll move on at some point, but for now I’m still enjoying myself. There's a lot to explore in this game and I just can’t stop digging Night City.

Now, for the more complicated thing.

Writing

So It Goes… My peace, my war, my greedy and most ravenous of ghosts.

I’m operating under the assumption that most people following me here probably haven't read my fic or aren’t all that interested in reading it to begin with. It’s fine. But you need to understand this fic, my writing, is the main thing that brought me here. This is also Grandpa V’s story. Most of you have met her, but unless you've been reading, most of you do not know her.

I wrote around 185,000 words and posted 10 chapters this year. 2022 was about 253,000 words and 30 chapters, along with several unrelated one shots. However, I don’t think I’ve done a single chapter this year that was less then 10k, and my longest managed to hit 27k. As of the last update I posted, the fic is currently sitting at around 439k words, 40 chapters, and still isn’t done.

I have four more chapters to write. I have written a metric shit ton of words. This is, by far, the longest and most intense creative project I’ve ever endeavored to complete.

When I started writing, I was expecting this fic to be around 100-150k. That seemed to be the average for most long fics. I did not plan on being an outlier. I'm not sure you can ever really plan for that, but I guess I enjoy subverting my own expectations too.

For those of you who are reading my fic, it is my sincerest hope that it shatters every expectation of where you think it’s going. It’s not a joke that I tagged my fic “#an ode to my tinfoil hat”. An ode it has turned out to be. I’ve been sitting on this theory for two years. I have told no one about it. I hope it sticks the landing and hits the way I want it to. I don't know if it will. But fuck, I just want to be done with it so I can move on with my life, take a break, and give myself the opportunity to make and focus on other things before I have to get back on the damn horse.

I wrote less this past year then I did in 2022. I had a lot of life changes, most of which were good, but with times of change come times of adjustment. Along with some realizations that maybe you don’t understand as much as you thought you did. Looking back, I’ve been in a state of unsettled, kuzushi, for a really long time. Which is not a good place to be. It’s how your ass ends up on the ground with a knee knocking out all your teeth. I thought I knew better. Thought I had enough practice to get away from it. But bad habits have good memories.

I think given the circumstances, I accomplished a lot with my writing this year. I don’t know if my writing is exactly where I want it to be. I doubt it every will be, but it’s evolved, grown, and I wrote a pretty hefty stack of words considering I started working full-time again, bought a house with my partner, moved, and have been dealing with the millions of other beans that life tends to throw one’s way. That being said, and for full disclosure, I’ve also been dealing with some of the worst cases of jealousy and envy I’ve had since I was a teenager. 

Frankly, it sucks. They walk with me every fucking where I go, hold my hands to whisper back all my doubts. Try to persuade me to my baser instincts, to be cruel and lash out. But that's not aikido. Luckily, I’m not 16 anymore so it’s at least been easier for me to identify the problem. Though I’m still coming up short in terms of actually being able to do anything about it, and will be for at least a few months more. 

Yeah, I keep talking about it because I don’t know how many people know that I've been feeling this way. And I’m tired of not talking about it in a room full of creatives, because yeah, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And not talking about it just makes all that pent up resentment worse for everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. But with the way I work and think, it’s a slow, tedious, and incredibly time-consuming art. With how much my fic has snowballed over the course of writing, it’s left very little room for the other hobbies in my life. And as my fellow writers probably already know, writing is an incredibly insular craft. And unlike a picture or an image, which only requires a glance, reading a bunch of words requires time and commitment.

So, when you put yourself out there and share what you wrote, it’s a lonely feeling not knowing whether or not anyone connected with what you put on the page. Especially, when the people who do read aren’t compelled to voice anything and when the people you’d hope would read don’t. And then you're stuck in the dark, not knowing, because neither of us says a goddamn thing.

I started writing this fic prior to actually joining the CP2077 fandom. And I joined the fandom because I felt alone. I’ve been here a while now, albeit in a few different places, and that feeling still hasn’t gone away. I’m still trying to find camaraderie with my fellow writers and carve out something that kinda sort of resembles a home or a sense of community. I watch my peers around me as they seem to build that with each other, except me.

I’m envious of the things that people make and jealous of the relationships those have created and fostered between said people, because for the life of me, it’s been a struggle to cultivate that since I got here. I know it’s selfish, but I also don’t know what about me makes people so hesitant. There have been a handful of strangers that have shown up for me regularly, but as far as people I call friends in this fandom that have shown up and actually stuck around, I can only name one right now. (I know we're all busy. And I acknowledge my writing's not for everyone. I know maybe some of you are quiet, or shy, or probably a thousand other things. I get it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. People will never know unless you say. Never know unless you take the time to interact or engage. Be brave. And that's true for a lot of things.)

The propensity is for the negative to outweigh the positive. I've got a lot of numbers on my fic, so you would think things would be fine, but at this point they just feel empty. They don't bring me any comfort or real satisfaction. And I hate feeling like the people I know don’t care and that most of you are just talking around me. That I’m some kind of annoyance not fit to interact with. Which may or may not be the case. I don’t know. Again, most of you have never said anything. And maybe I need to accept the fact that most of you never will.

But this is me trying to start conversation.

It’s really shitty, knowing that the thing I want the most is also the thing holding me back. I know how to work on it too, not that it’s any guarantee. The problem is I’m still writing and in a needy state of greed. And because I’m slow, I don’t have the time or the energy to be generous. I can only take right now. I can’t give. 

Relationships require both.

I can’t bring myself to read other people’s writing. I can’t comment, or like, or share if I haven’t read anything. I'm desperate for conversation, but I also don't have the time or assurance to facilitate it with other people right now. And for some reason people never seem to want to talk to me, especially when it comes to writing. I want to be part of conversations, talk deeply with other people. But I can’t speak right now, I'm not in a place to offer generosity without someone first giving it to me.

And generosity and grace is what we all need.

Four more chapters and I hope my ghosts will finally let me read in peace.

[boqvistsbabe]

Update!!!!!!!!

Hey Y’all!!

Here is the start of hopefully monthly updates. I know in my last update I said I was going to be more consistently here and active. Obviously, that didn’t happen lol. Trying to hold myself to that rn. So this is probably going to be the format for all of my update posts, just so they are easier to follow.

Refresh:

So I am almost completely done with the blog refresh. I think all that is left is updating links and getting some other posts (ex: theme days) made/redone. Most of that got put on the back burner due to how long they were going to take lol. But hopefully, over Spring Break, I’ll be able to get those done (no promises, another thing I’m trying to do, is be more realistic about what I want to get done by when so). 

Writing/Other Content:

Ik I said I’d write more. Once again didn’t really happen. Well, I have written a decent bit, but never finished anything. There is one fic that I am going to try and work on after this week (midterms lol) and have someone look over it (the first time I’ve had a beta reader, look at me go lol). Like the blog as a whole, I am trying to organize my writing, like requests and my ideas and what is going out when etc. (@ any of the other writers if you have any suggestions of what to/where to organize my stuff so it doesn’t get all confusing and mixed up you should def let me know). Speaking of requests, I am going to try and do at least two requests a month. That doesn’t sound like a lot but for me, that feels like something I can realistically do. I will be doing old requests first because even though they are years old at this point, I liked the ideas so I genuinely want to write them. I am still going to be accepting new requests (esp because sometimes that helps spark creativity/help with writer’s block so feel free to send in any ideas!!) but I will try to get those older ones done first. As for any other content (playlists, moodboards, IG edits, drawings, etc.) I am also taking requests for those so feel free to send in any of those requests too. 

Another Blog?!

As of rn the second hockey blog has not been “released”. I want to catch up on things for this blog before I throw that into the mix and try to grow that as well. I am hoping to add that sometime this summer. Also, I do technically have a sideblog already (@samistheman) which is normally where I reblog random things, and I don’t really have tags for that blog I just kinda willy-nilly reblog there (it used to be mostly PJO stuff but now that’s kind of here because of how much of it there is lol).

Life Update:

College is a lot rn. I’m doing 17 credit hours and tbh do not know what possessed me to do that. At first, I was doing pretty good, but now not so much. Like I said earlier I have midterms this week. If y’all didn’t know this, I’m shit at taking tests so not doing great rn. Thankfully one of my classes ends on Sunday so at least I don’t have to worry about that. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life recently that is impacting a lot so trying to navigate that as well. I am moving out in May, which is yes months from now but there is still a lot that I need to do beforehand. Anyway, I’m going to a college hockey game on Thursday and I am super excited. I haven’t been able to go to a game since October. Also little fun update, I’m going on a weekend (work) trip to Boston. Super excited for that. I’ll be getting to go to a Celtics game and a Red Sox game (I’m a Royals girlie tho). I’ve never been to an NBA game so that’s for sure gonna be really cool. I’ve been to many MLB games before but this will be my first at a different stadium. Anyway, I think that is it for this update. Hope y’all are doing well!!

As usual, if y’all ever want to talk dms/inbox are open <3

I am going to tag some moots, I am totally forgetting some people so I am sorry for that (if y'all could reblog that would be amazing)

@2manytabsopen @krugstrash @jimmystrudel @andreburakozy @sidneycrosbyhoe @fallinallincurls @timstuetzle @typical-simplelove @ilyasorokinn @drei-mrssvechii

[sitp-recs]

hi liv, hope you’re doing well! i have some asks too!

how did you start shipping drarry?

would do please go on a giddy, adoring rant about how much you love drarry?

thank you so much and hope you have the best day ever <3

Hi anon, sure ask away! I don’t know if this will be the adoring rant you were hoping for but it will be an honest one 😊

I’m not quite sure how I first found Drarry fic - it’s been so long my memory is fuzzy! But I’m certain I started shipping them shortly after watching Chamber of Secrets. How could I not? The tension, the implications & complications, the blonde x brunette aesthetics! But I wasn’t fluent in English back then, so I’d mostly read fics in my mother tongue on Brazilian archives and on ff.net. Green Eyes was a major hit back then and one of my favorites. I started reading in English sometime around 2005, that’s when I found FictionAlley, Hex Files etc. I remember being utterly obsessed with Irresistible Poison, i don’t know how many times I’ve read it in a row, together with other old classics like Eclipse, Bond, Maya’s fics.

To be clear, I wasn’t only reading Drarry back then. I’ve always been a multishipper at heart and my fascination with the problematique was awaken pretty early on lol I’ve read all kinds of ships (If You Are Prepared is a Snarry series that still haunts me to this day) and tropes you can imagine - in fact, I was into sooo much stuff I don’t enjoy as much these days, like dub/non con, bond fic, Amortentia, infidelity etc. I’ve read it all and had a blast! I’ve also had a brief Wolfstar and even briefer Scorbus phase when Cursed Child was released but haven’t revisited them since. The sad thing about reading mlm as a kid and having to hide your internet history is that I didn’t keep track of anything :(

After 2008 I took 2 major breaks from fandom but my interest in Drarry remained, and I’d still read it occasionally, despite being completely immersed in another fandom. Something about the fic quality, the epic stories, the emotional payoff in Drarry still hit me hard and lured me in. But I was a lurker, too shy to interact besides embarrassingly long comments on ao3. I had no fandom friends. That changed when I got into the MCU in 2013 and created a Tumblr to get involved with the community. I had 2 short-lived but intense otps that consumed me as much as Drarry does, and I shared my first rec lists on a sideblog for one of them. But like I said, I’d still read Drarry on occasion! I found RoA as soon as it was published, and thankfully sara_holmes wrote for both HP and MCU 🙏🏼

I’ve said this before but I think my love for Drarry remained untouched over the years for a variety of reasons: the first one is that I really really loved the universe, and through fandom, I’ve fallen deeper in love with the (fleshed out) version of of these characters. I loved fics that were creative and full of world building because I couldn’t get enough of that magical universe. Unfortunately JKR ruined my sense of wonder for canon beyond repair and so I’ve had to repurpose the way I experience fandom and what I seek out of it. I haven’t read the books or watched the movies in a very long time and at this point my perception and feelings about HP and Drarry are fully shaped by my experience here, by the brilliant works I’ve read and the dear friends I’ve made.

Now this is about finding a safe and welcoming community in this corner of fandom, one that’s compassionate, brave, kind and that explores these characters the way I want to see. Now it’s about feeling like I belong somewhere after so many years of lurking around. Besides, enemies to lovers will always be one of my favourite tropes, I find it really compelling and I love the many ways we find to get these idiots to fall in love with each other over and over again. It’s certainly been a rollercoaster with lots of ups and downs, but fandom has been a big part of my life and identity for two decades now , and I’m nowhere near done 💜

[cozymochi]

🌻 >:)

IM FOUND ONE OF THESE MEMES IN MY DRAFts! Im gonna rank my experiences in the major fandoms i’ve engaged with.

🩵 YUGIOH! - Second longest running fascination. Upside!! Made life long friends. DOWNSIDE!! Was my first go at online engagement and in those 10 years so much happened that I still can’t help but feel a little sour. …Though ygo back in the day wasn’t good at tag comments, so I didn’t even know those were a thing for years until I branched out. 5/10. But grows to a 7/10 because i’ve settled into a niche area with so few people that it’s now a silly little club. 💕

🧡 Dragon Ball/Z - GENUINE CHAOS. Started off slow but intensified hard cuz get who got involved while Super was airing??? (I didn’t watch it lol), so the discourse and fighting was at an all time high. I have no idea how I even survived this in retrospect. My slight association with people netted me troll asks and my liking of Yamcha also set me up for those. …and frequent art reposting, and quite a few bizarre interactions. Pretty sure my art and edits have circulated more in latin america than I even know. This was also pre-tumblr purge so the amount of nsfw that got thrown my way is… something. That said!! Made also really good friends 💕 and DB/Z probably desensitized me to longer form discussions. 5/10 for insanity, but 8/10 for good reception and VERY PEAK and generous humans.

I think dbz hardened me.

💚 Invader Zim- started off fun (mostly irl with my friendo from days of YGO), but quickly devolved into territory that tested my patience. WHY ON EARTH THIS SERIES’ CONSUMERS had such a huge morality high ground base is beyond me. It’s this fandoms fault I learned about certain modern day online discourse terms and what instilled an irrational posting fear for a year lol. Fun at first and there’s super creative and receptive folk (then those people got kicked out) and left the most insufferable beings imaginable. There’s no in between. Shoutout to all 3 friends made who are still peak. 3/10, if I ever finish any remaining projects or decide to bite the bullet and show completed work, i’m not engaging again. The base just skews somewhere I can’t handle. Which is crazy given the ABOVE contenders have, on paper, done so much more.

dbz hardened me but iz weakened me. Which is probably why i need the formers bootcamp back. Don’t think I’m as fearful now, but i’ll still be salty.

💜 Twisted Wonderland - this is a work in progress experience. Will require further evaluation if all of the above experiences haven’t set my standards. Will stay in my corner. So far it’s 6/10 in vibes (they’re much calmer than the last one), tho I question how much of the interest is from what i do vs. what I did for others. Haven’t shared a ton of opinions yet and god knows lol we don’t want that /s. Still recovering from the former making me wanna just not do much. Baby steps I suppose.

💙 - Sonic The Hedgehog: This is a cheat, I have never interacted with the fandom directly (purely by happenstance, so thankfully no traces exist), but I have been into this since I was a child with no issues. So by default this is the best one. 10/10, didn’t engage, but I do lurk. Though all the stuff I see on tweeter isn’t exactly anything out of the norm for fandoms in general to do, so it weirds me out that people rag on this one for just kinda talking amongst themselves about innocuous things.

“omg this fandom is arguing over QUILL length ughhh can they never be pleased [30 yt videos about this drop]” ngl, this just feels like par for the course junk fandoms do. It really feels no different from DBZ where people go ham about the art style changes and which one is better. Or stupid shit in IZ where they fight about comics vs movie vs show. Like??? The only major difference here is that StH has more people in it (by the millions).

So literally nothing these folk do or say strikes me as anything more serious than what other fandoms already do??? Its just more outsiders see it then churn out content and perpetuate something worse from what’s honestly….pretty tame stuff. Maybe it’s just twitter’s setup given that’s all folk talk about.

[rain-and-a-nice-nap]

This is pretty unedited and not proofread (also haven’t done any creative writing since my early teens/Wattpad days). I wrote it in like an hour and it’s pretty late. Because of this, I am very much open to constructive criticism. I hope to feel inspired enough to write more for this universe lmao.

Nevertheless, here is a childhood au of Claude and the reader. If I do write more, they would be taking place at the time of the game.

Pretty sure I made it gender neutral without mentioning much about physical features, but if I slipped up, please let me know.

--------------------

You huffed as you lugged the pail of water up the stairs. Your limbs were young and toned, so you would undoubtedly be fine after today, even if you were sore. Anything you could do to help your parents and the older staff was worth it in your mind. Almyra was hot, and they work hard out of pride for the country.

Frustrated with the heat of the day blending with the heat of your body from doing chores around the palace, you were ready to finally be done for the day. It was still pretty early, maybe just before noon, so each climb up a step brought a new idea for what to do with your free time.

Maybe your parents would let you walk on the trails through the nearby woods this time! You’d been there plenty of times through the years, and knew the paths pretty well. Also, being part of the staff at the palace grants you combat classes and educational lessons nearly free of all costs. Surely you were ready enough now.

You could finally see the window at the top of the stairway and knew that you were finally almost there.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you made the final step, set down the pail and bent into a half crouch for a moment. You deserved it, after all! The faucet on this side of the palace is being fixed after an incident one of the royal kids had on a wyvern, so you had to come from the opposite side! You could see them working on the faucet through the window and barked a laugh.

How could you be frustrated on such a beautiful day?

“Plus,” you thought to yourself as you reached for the doorknob, “I’m finally d-!” You didn’t even get to finish your thought when a bucket of wet chicken feed covered your hair, skin, and clothes. Your mouth opened in shock and you gasped in surprise.

Your eyes were shut tight to prevent anything from getting in, but you could hear shuffling in the room. Then there came bouts of laughter. There goes your good mood.

You rub your eyes and mouth free of seed and glare at the perpetrator. He was about your age and seemed to have just started to grow out hair for his braid. The dude was roaring with laughter now, bent in half and supporting himself on a nearby wall.

Your furrowed brow only deepened at his hearty laughter. A light catches your eye, and you think it may be coming from a bead in his hair. You were sure there was some detail or other on it, but right now you did not care.

“I’m sorry, really! I didn’t mean to!” He says between giggles, “I meant for that to hit Shadid, he’s been a real jerk ever since the riding instructor complimented his form over the rest of ours.”

“And so what?!” You exploded, and the boy’s eyes widened and his laughter gone, “Do I look like-” this time, you had cut yourself off. He had mentioned that he is in the riding class with one of the princes, and so you were sure that the ‘others’ referred to were royal as well.

You quickly cooled yourself and put neutrality into your expression and tone. “Never mind, just move outta my way, please.” Man, you wished you had caught the symbol on the bead.

You turned around to pick up the bucket, spinning on your heel to push past him so you could pour it into the wyvern’s trough. You hoped he couldn’t see your face from this angle, because you could feel the heat of embarrassment on it. You had just yelled at an Almyran prince! Ugh! What if your parents found out?!

So caught up in your thoughts, you didn’t even notice the prince trying to catch your attention as you turned back around to leave the tower. Gone swiftly, you had. Completely unaware of the crestfallen, and lonely boy that was left behind you.

———

It was a few days later now, several hours past noon. It seemed as though the prince kept the event to himself, as no one came to question you about that day, nor did your parents say no to letting you walk in the woods.

Which was where you are now. Reflecting on it, you did feel a little bad about that day. He didn’t mean for that dreadful prank to impact anyone but his brother. It made you wonder how he gets treated if someone of his stature is just allowed to slip away with no one noticing.

The deeper the thoughts went, the sadder you felt for him. You had seen that prince in specific out and around before. It kind of seemed like no one wanted to be around him. In your honest opinion though, it looked like it bothered him less these days. He smiled with ease it seemed, not that you had seen him up close before that day.

“Yeah,” you thought, feeling the bite of anger in your chest, “maybe they just don’t want to be around him because he pulls such awful pranks on people when they’ve lost his good opinion!”

I’m your thoughts, you had wandered away from the path a bit, and into a clearing, you had seen once before. You weren’t lost. Probably. Though, while your idle mind had enough sense to send your small legs over the roots of trees in the ground, it had not anticipated anything larger.

You heard an “Oof!” As you tumbled to the floor, completely knocked out of your own little world. You pushed up from the ground to begin to catch your bearings when you looked over and saw the bewildered prince that plagued your very thoughts. He held his stomach with a wince and regarded you with shock on his face.

He also looked like he had been sleeping. Eyes were a bit puffed up, and his hair was not neat, you noted.

“Hey! It’s you!” He said, a bit winded from your kick. “Ha. Why did you do that? Bit of vengeance?”He was lightly teasing. But only lightly, because his eyes shined the want to know and hidden insecurities.

You thought that it was fair for him to ask, you would probably want to know why someone kicked you too. Especially if you had seemingly been napping out in a secluded area in the woods.

“‘M sorry, I wasn’t expecting anybody to be there when I put my foot down.” He huffed a laugh at that and his shoulders relaxed.

“Stranger, that still doesn't answer my question. You wouldn’t still be mad about the other day, would you?” The prince quirked an eyebrow at you, the teasing lilt still present in his voice.

You rolled your eyes, “Yes, because I would wander out into the woods, in hopes that I would find the strange prince who dumped feed all over me. I do so very much enjoy such petty revenge.” you replied in a flat tone.

“I really didn’t mean for it to hit you,” he said, propping himself up on an elbow to face you. “In fact, I was kinda hoping that we could just laugh it off and maybe start a beautiful friendship!” He joked, with a hint of sincerity.

You layered back fully on the grass and turned your head towards him with a glare. “And what? Face your wrath every time I’ve even slightly wronged you? I don’t think I want that.” You scoffed. Turning your head back to the sky. You could feel his gaze on you, only spurring on your anger, that you knew was a bit misplaced.

“In fact, I think I understand now why people don’t want to be around you as much.” You knew it was too far. You didn’t mean to, honestly. The forest seemed to agree that you were stupid by becoming awkwardly still and silent.

You could feel his eyes drilling a hole into the side of your head. You didn’t dare take your eyes off of the sky. You weren’t brave enough for that. The guilt was seeping into you in heaps. Divines, this was so awkward. Maybe you should shove away your pride apologize. Maybe the moment has passed 30 seconds ago.

“What do you mean by that?” He asked in a soft voice. You couldn't see it, but paired with his eyes trying to dill into your soul, was a face of concern. In truth, he really did feel bad that you had been the unintended target to his prank. But he has had to learn to let things go in his short life. He knows not to expect the best outcome from people. Claude did have hope that not all people were so bad though.

You swallowed. Goodness, you felt guilty.

“I didn’t really mean it. I guess in a poorly voiced way, I was wondering if being friends with you would mean getting pranked like that if I upset you.” Honestly, you would take suffering pranks from the prince over being on the receiving end of whatever damage you just caused any day. You opened your mouth to apologize.

“Oh.” He gave a light huff. Turning his head to the sky, you could feel the pain from his voice, but you didn’t dare check to see if his face matched.

“I think I would prefer if people didn’t want to be around me for that reason. At least then it’s something that I had control over.” He stared at the sky as if his gaze would break it if he tried hard enough.

You turned your head back towards him. Trying to read his facial expression. You didn’t fully understand what he meant by that, but you could guess that the meaning was way deeper than his words let on.

He met your gaze while you were lost in thought. If it’s any consolation, at this time he couldn’t read your facial expressions very well either, though he would get better. Claude was a bit worried honestly. You had gone silent again and your eyes were dazed.

“Y’know what. I think I do want to be your friend.” Came your voice.

He blinked. “What?!”

“Yeah. On one condition.”

“Name it.”

“That you let me apologize this time.” He smiled. One that looked much prettier than the ones you had seen from afar.

“Ok.” He breathed.

This was indeed the start of a beautiful friendship.

[sakarrie-creates]

2022 Fic Round-Up/Reflection

Am I over a month late? Yes. Is that going to stop me? Nnnnnnope.

Another year gone and another end of year summary! Yeash, it’s been a rough creative year haha. I’ve practically done nothing but school and work, which has certainly been problematic for writing. It’s been a productive adulting year though, so hopefully this dead period will help me find more opportunities down the line. My gosh I’m ready to be done with school already.

Since I’ve really not written much this year, this will be an abridged version of my reflection from last year’s template. That being said, I’m still very rambly so you can see the details below the cut!

2022 Stats:

Fics Started: 11 Fics Fully Written: 3 Fics Posted: 2 New WIPs: 7 Total WIPs: 20 (ish?) Words Written: 25,950 (33,176 if including documents of pure brainstorm ramble lol) Words Posted: 9,541 Fandoms Written For: 2 Events: 2 (+1)

Posted Fics

Carmen Sandiego (Gen): 1

So Long As You're With Me (7,804): It's been several months since Team Red rescued Player from the clutches of VILE and snapped him out of their control... mostly. His base personality is back, but he still doesn't remember them from anything other than the false memories VILE created for him. And it's just their luck that VILE painted Carmen and company in such a way that Player thinks that their attempts to help him is all some elaborate form for torture, and it doesn't help that he's currently recovering from an injury she caused. Carmen is near her wit's end, but she refuses to give up on her oldest and best friend.

Supernatural (Gen): 1

Still the Same (1,737): After a hunt, Sam and Dean watch the stars for the first time since Dean came back from Hell. Things are finally starting to fall back into place between them, but it's impossible to ignore the ways things have changed. 

Specifics:

Events Participated In:

SPN Summergen, Player Appreciation Week (Fic and Art), Code Secret Santa (Art), Miraculous Magic Zine (Revamp Fic), and Fandom Trumps Hate (Offered Art/Fic).

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

Oof, hard to answer. Definitely less than I’d hoped and maybe still a fair bit less than I expected, but I did know that my life was about to get swallowed by school and I wasn’t wrong. I definitely wish I had been able to participate in more events for sure and I’ve had a lot of inspiration for all sorts of stuff that I just haven’t had the brain power for unfortunately. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I mean, looking at posting, I only have two options lol. In general though, I stuck fairly close to my norm for all that. I poked around time travel AUs which was fun but most of that was brainstorming/animatic storyboarding rather than writing.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Definitely So Long As You're With Me! That AU lives in my head rent free and boy howdy I’d love to share it all one day but there’s just so much to it. I swear, the pieces I have shared are hardly recognisable as the same story haha. Anyway, it’s definitely a little rushed at some points, but it was a very crammed piece that just kept getting longer, so I’ll take it!

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

Since I’ve only posted two new works this year, we’re going to go overall. Which would definitely still be Fragmentation. It’s got 20.3k views!! That’s only 400 less than it’s total word count and it seems like the hit count keeps going up slowly, which is wild to consider it’s on FF.net in a faded fandom and has been complete for like a year. Next up would be The Problem With Good Intentions at 11k, which also blows me away a bit cause Merlin ended a decade ago but I’m proud of the fandom for staying alive! XD

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

Probably still A Letter to Never Be Read on FF.net. It’s a pretty niche fic, so I can’t really be surprised but I felt artsy writing it way back when lol.

Most overdue story?

Welp, It’s Only Natural is certainly overdue, but I don’t think anyone is really following that one so it’s not in a rush. A Long Ways Home on the other hand drives me crazy cause I’ve actually been wanting to write for it, but brainpower’s been too low from school. Can’t believe it’s been a year. :’(

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Tbh, not really? I pushed myself in what I did, but it was all relatively in my comfort zone. I guess I tried writing in S4 of Supernatural in Still the Same, but that doesn’t feel much like a risk. I also tried out some writing from screenshot prompts which was super fun and interesting, but unfortunately that was sniped by lack of time/energy too. So I guess not really this year.

How’d this year compare to your goals of last year?

Oh boy, I’m so intimidated to read these paragraphs haha. I bet I did like none of them. We’ll start with the bullet list though since that should be fairly straightforward. -Unfortunately, prioritizing school is honestly my biggest writing goal this year. So if I do that all successfully and get through any more than like, 1-2 of these, it will be a success haha. 

-A Long Ways Home (Gonna break it up into Chapter 3, Chapter 4, and if that’s not the epilogue, then an epilogue. I’m determined and really think it’s doable, I just need to be careful not to overestimate again) WIP Bang if not done by Summer. -SPN Summergen -PAB if enough interest -February week event -Loyalties AU Plotting/Drafting -SQZ Zines -Comments

If crazy inspired year: -Gencest Bang -WIP Bang with It’s Only Natural -Post More CS One-shots -Other Zines

Okay, so some of those crossings are a little generous, but I wanted to at least check off the school one haha. Tbh, though, it wasn’t as bad as I expected! I did a decent job of having low expectations lol.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Oh boy. See I wish that this last year being so sad would mean this year would be back to creative rush, but I’m already a month in and I haven’t even tried writing anything other than school papers. I’ve been getting surprisingly into Huntlow (omg, Sakarrie having a romantic ship that she’s like legit into????? whacK), so it’d be fun to experiment with some fic there! Willow needs more angst fic to balance out our traumatized golden boi. Trying to find some zines would also be fun! And I’ll be sad if I ever have to miss Summergen cause it’s 100% my favorite event of the year. Oh, and of course I’m hoping to be able to participate more in Player Appreciation Week this coming month!! Shameless plug.

I’d also like to make some progress on A Long Ways Home, so hopefully in my Summer break I’ll finally have a chance to sit down and write. I’m not going to be dumb enough to put time frame estimations on it again though haha. I also am not a huge fan of having WIPs just sitting out there so if I could knock off It’s Only Natural sometime, that’d be great, but it’s honestly not a priority and I haven’t been feeling Voltron for a bit.

As for other plans, Loyalties AU and EverYOnE is bROkeN AU both haunt me at night and then there’s the time travel au that just has my brain zooming whenever I think about it. They just all get so intense and I WANT to share that intensity cause I know they could be epic, but first I gotta finalize the details, then I gotta have the skills to pull it off, then I gotta actually write sooooooooooooo we’ll see where those get me.

Okay so comments. Bah that project is such a mindset monster haha. I want to be supportive and express thanks to those who write and comment, but also the more pressure I put on it, the harder it gets. I feel like it makes reading new fics very intimidating and makes leaving chill comments harder. I think it would be nice to get through, but I think my goal for this year is to let my 1000 tabs go and just comment/respond in the moment whenever I can and not overthink it. I do want to catch up on replies though so that can be my comment goal for this year. In terms of my numbers, though, I did meet my generous goal of 20k written and 10k posted this year! (Rounding a little but close enough.) And I met my ultimate wc goal if brainstorming essays count!

Bullet list time!

2023:

-Unfortunately, keeping my scholarship has to be my biggest goal this year again so gonna put that here in case it's the only thing I can check off come December. -A Long Ways Home (at least 1 new chapter) -SPN Summergen -At least 3/7 Player Appreciation Week days -Catch up on comment replies -At least do some more brainstorming for bigger CS aus -Huntlow/Owl House fics? -One zine?

If crazy inspired year: -All of A Long Ways Home -All Player Appreciation Week Days -WIP Bang with It’s Only Natural -Post More CS One-shots -Write out more big AU scenes -Other Zines

So with that, I’m gonna set my word count bar pretty low again haha. In fact, I think I’ll just leave it as it was last year.

Easy Goal Word Count Goal: 20k (at least 10k posted)

Stretch Goal (aka, if I don’t die from school): 40k (at least 25k posted)

Ultimate 2023 Word Count Goal: 30k

[thepropertylovers]

The True Magic of the Last Few Days

There was no work done this weekend.

I can’t remember the last time I was able to say that. My laptop stayed shut and tucked away the entire time. Emails were read but not responded to. And as I’m sitting on the couch in the living room writing this while sipping on my extremely hot coffee and the rain pours down outside louder than I’ve ever heard it, I’m comforted by the fact that that’s exactly how this weekend should have gone.

We celebrated Riah’s 6th birthday this weekend and spent the last three days with family. Friday night we went to watch my younger sister fight in a boxing charity event in Chattanooga. My whole family (minus Amy who lives in GA) went to support her in her first ever boxing match. It was loud, country music and people yelling for their favorite champ were pretty much the only things you could hear, but it was still so different and fun nonetheless. She ended up losing, but all of us swore she should have been the winner, especially in round 3. Maybe next year.

Meanwhile, Riah turned 6 on Saturday! Our big boy is 6 years old which is so, so hard to believe. He was 2 1/2 when we first got them, a little wild child with long hair and a temper. Now, he’s so damn sweet and such a charmer who wears his heart on his sleeve but has the confidence to lift anything, no matter how heavy it is, because he “has abs” he says. What a perfect goofball.

We took the kids to the Creative Discovery Museum in Chattanooga, a staple in town that we used to go to when we were young. It just might be the coolest place for children, and I can say that confidently because I found myself having just as much fun as they were. My mom came too for the afternoon and we just all had a blast, watching the kids’ eyes grow big with excitement and wonder playing with the different exhibitions and dig for dinosaur bones in the sand. It’s a magical place, but the real magic came from spending the afternoon together, uninterrupted and completely focused on having fun. That doesn’t happen often enough. Why is that?

On Sunday, we had a party for Riah at the farm with our closest friends and family. PJ and I made chicken salad sandwiches and pimento cheese sliders, ordered our family’s favorite cake from a local bakery, cleanup up the pavilion that had seen better days since we haven’t entertained there for months, and hung some Paw Patrol decorations at Riah’s request.

Parties are always when PJ puts 110% into everything he does to get ready for them. I swear he could have been an event planner in another life. He likes everything to be tidy and perfect and goes above and beyond to achieve it. Case in point: he brought this piñata that I bought two years ago and forgot about (it’s been sitting in the corner of a closet ever since) to finally use at the party, and because it wouldn’t stay on the string, he climbed up into the rafters of the pavilion to hold the string the entire time so the kids could take turns hitting it. His mind works in such creative ways, and his body follows suit no matter what the task is. I’m so lucky I get to do life with this man.

So that brings us to today, Monday. A very rainy Monday actually, which I don’t mind one bit. Today will be spent sending approximately 10,000 emails and catching up on all the work that wasn’t done this weekend. I’m still getting used to this work from home thing, almost four years in, but I’m almost positive that in a normal job, most people do in fact do zero work on the weekends, and instead leave it for Monday through Friday. I’m going to be more diligent about following that schedule going forward. This weekend has opened my eyes in a way and I need to start putting everything away on Friday night and not opening it until Monday morning.

I hope there was some good in your weekend, too. xo

[dimadimoo]

Hi. So, this is my first post on this blog and it just so happens to be my birthday. I’m 28 now. What’s really cool is that today’s the exact day I was born. I was born on a Wednesday, and today is also a Wednesday. Isn't that cool? I had to wait seven years for my birthday to land on the same day again. 

I can’t believe I’m officially a grown ass adult man but honestly, I still feel like I’m 19. Not much has changed since then... or maybe a lot has. I got really depressed. The start of 2024 was the lowest point of my life, like the darkest pit I’ve ever been in. I hated it, I hated my life. But honestly, I don’t think I could ever truly hate myself. I think I’m a pretty cool, fun guy. It’s just that life is shit and it keeps making me feel like shit and just driving me insane.

Turning 28 scares me. I don’t feel ready to be a "real" adult with responsibilities and all that. Maybe if my life was different or wasn't so depressing, I’d be so excited about it. But right now 28 just feels like an expiration date.. Like, most people by 28 have their shit together—careers, families, businesses, traveling the world, partners, whatever. And here I am, still trying to figure it out. I’m not there yet. Not even close.

I’ve spent most of my life battling depression and suicidal. Just wasting time, pretending to be someone I’m not, even around my own family. Failed friendships, no romantic love despite having a few real life crushes. I haven’t even been able to do the things I really want to do in life. Constant family drama, financial stress, rejections, and just a lot of depressing stuff… blergh. And honestly, I still don’t know who I really am or what I want to do with my life. I don’t have a vision or a future, really. Most of times, I feel like an alien, just here to observe life from the outside. I mean, yeah, I’ve learned a lot about life, human civilization and technology, history and cultures, creativity, music, sex, food, religions, spirituality, my existence, yeah all that stuff. But have I really lived? Not really. I want to live life, not just watch it go by and then realize I haven’t done anything.

But today, I’m not feeling depressed or sad at all. I’m actually happy. I started this blog as my own therapy, and I’m writing my first post on my birthday, on the exact day I was born. That’s gotta mean something, right? I feel like I’m finally starting to discover a bit of who I am like, a piece of "my identity". Like, fun fact, I’m more of a stereotypical Gemini than my actual sign, Virgo. There’s so much I haven’t figured out about myself, but I think other people around me have seen it. I wish I could be more honest with myself and the people around me.

I’m tired of this dangerous, toxic people pleasing mentality and tendency of me. I want to be unapologetically real and honest. It’s hard, but I need to do it. Just straight up say "No, I want this. Respect my choice, and if you don’t like it, fuck you." I need to stop giving a fuck about what people think, yes, even my mom and sis. But I still feel like I'm a really selfish bad guy. I don't want to be a villain to those around me. But what if I am? Will a lightning from heaven struck me and killed me on the spot? I don't know. Here we go again with my overthinking.

Oh and there’s this guy I had a crush on. Met him on Discord. He’s from the Philippines, and we’ve been talking for like five months—almost every day. But lately, I’ve been too busy, and my brain’s been in full meltdown mode, hahaha. I liked him, almost romantically, but not anymore. I thought he was my soulmate, but now, I don’t know man. Even though we’re on the same wavelength and vibe well and stuff, I still feel disconnected from him, honestly, from everyone in my life. I just don’t feel compatible with anybody.

And there’s no way I’d end up with him. The old me thought he was “the one,” but naahh. He lives far away from me and he's a bi and there are just too many things that make me go, “Hmm not for me.” and other circumstances (me). But anyway, that’s just a highlight reel of my life in the past few years, I think. So yeah. Am I excited about what’s next? Not really. I still wanting to leave this reality behind and escape to the one I’ve created in my head, where I can finally meet him... my true love. I love and miss him so much. And to live a life that meant for me. I’ll get there someday… my true home. I just know I will.

Anyway, here’s to being 28. Happy birthday to me.

[amalgamatey]

I haven’t been part of a “fandom” since about 2014 when I quit writing fanfic cold turkey and started writing exclusively original content. Not to toot my own horn but I was a pretty popular fanfic writer, and I still get comments on my AO3 to this day. I wanted to focus on my own work and get published though, so I had to put fanfic aside.

Well, after an unforeseen rocky road, I think I’m becoming mired in fandom brain again and I don’t know how to feel about that, considering I turned 35 yesterday and fandom has been notoriously aggressive towards “old people”

I decided to write down my thoughts on it, and it’s helped a bit.

In 2015 I got onto SSRIs for severe depression and anxiety and by 2016 I wasn’t writing anything at all. I was consuming media but I wasn’t enjoying it, I wasn’t thinking about it, and I wasn’t thinking too deeply about my own original works despite having finished my first rough draft in 2015 - arguably the hardest part of writing. I thought I was getting old, or work was getting in the way, or any number of other issues. Interests change, yknow? Maybe I wasn’t a writer anymore even tho I’d been writing since I was a little kid.

In 2020 I suffered a work injury that I deal with to this day, and ended up getting into therapy where I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated appropriately.

In 2022 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the traumas that came with that kind of ruined my life. Two years of that battle and I’m on the other side climbing out of the looming threat of death. I’ll be dealing with the side effects the rest of my life, but I’m making it work.

In May of this year, I talked with my psych and we dropped my SSRIs entirely because I wanted to see if my ADHD being properly medicated would mean I didn’t need the other medication anymore.

When I tell you my world opened up, I was seeing colors I hadn’t seen in years, I had feelings again, I was crying again. I had spent at least eight years without crying more than once or twice a year. All of my feelings were far away, distant things that had very little effect on me. Getting off of the SSRIs absolutely blew my world wide open again. I started thinking in stories, feeling and thinking about content again.

I started to think about the shows and movies I was watching. Really thinking about them, the characters, the imagery and the structure and the symbolism behind everything.

The first series I got really into was Shadow and Bone (Netflix), watching it a few times and building little scenarios in my head. I started to hear songs that made me think of characters. I started to wonder what would happen in different situations. I bought the books and stayed up all night to finish them, something I also hadn’t done since 2015.

Now, I’m absolutely brainrotted by Our Flag Means Death to the point that my phone just auto fills in the title when I’ve capitalized “our.” I’m obsessed because OFMD is like the fanfiction I read and wrote years ago. It’s a story with dark and emotional content while still being goofy and silly. For goodness sake my favorite episode is “the torture episode” which is so dark but somehow maintains an air of light comedy. It’s all the best and most amazing parts of fanfiction that I remember.

So while I may feel weird being 35 in fandom spaces, I’m desperate for more OFMD content and theories and stories and it feels like I’m finally becoming myself again after so many years. Age wasn’t stopping me from engaging with content in the ways I always had, it was medicating my crippling depression and anxiety to become a shell of a human.

I’m still fine tuning my medication with my dr but I’m feeling so much better about life, the universe, and everything. I might even dust off my AO3, finish the few works I still get begged to finish, start writing for the Greg-verse and OFMD. Just enjoy the creative process again.

Who knows. It might be fun.

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 17: Latest Writing Thoughts

Sigh. Okay. So. I don’t really want to look around at the ruined wreckage of this weekend because I’m tired of that and also it’s depressing and I feel guilty. Also the next couple of days are going to be really hard and I just am nervous and overwhelmed about them. I just don’t want to deal with literally anything!

Instead I will look at the ruined wreckage of me trying to write! This longfic is getting really tough and I’m judging myself for thinking I could write this ‘fast’ and ‘it won’t be that hard.’ I sort of want to take a break but I also think that would be a horrible idea because then I’d have to get back into it later. Also I’ve already taken/been taking a break and it’s definitely making it harder and not easier. It’s just tough to keep everything straight now that it’s getting so long and it’s tough to do the repeat-scenes that are part of the time loop and I’m also, not gonna lie, just getting tired of it. Like I want to write something totally different, different setting, mood, etc.

I did write a scene today. It took me a long time to work up the courage to do it and it was only the one and I’m not sure how I feel about it (the desire to post the beginning just to maybe get feedback is so strong but I’m resisting! I’m resisting!!). It felt like a struggle. A part of me… sort of wants to re-write it but it also doesn’t feel worth it. I would rather say good enough and move on than get bogged down in retreading something I’ve already done. I’m also way too close to it at this exact moment to make that call but like that’s where I am emotionally. I don’t hate all of it but I don’t like the pacing. It feels forced, slow, choppy, and OOC.

…Okay, I’ve read it again and there’s only one sub-section of the scene, actually pretty small, while I faltered and slowed it down too much. I think I can fix this in editing. I still don’t love the scene but like… this fic is really long, friends. It’s long. I’m serious about how long it is. So, it’s not all going to be flawless.

In terms of other ideas, other stuff I’ve been thinking about. I definitely want to do Troped Halloween but I haven’t thought too much about that yet (a problem). Same for my Halloween ficlets. I am INSISTENT I do them again this year after a break of several years. And honestly… the time to start brainstorming seriously is now. But I haven’t done that either.

That pic of Jarod Joseph and Jon Whitesell from a week or two ago like burned itself into my brain and I’ve been thinking about Miller projects. He’s not in the current fic, he’s only mentioned in SGAU, and it’s just generally been a while since I really used him in anything. I was re-reading some old ficlets, thinking about favorite headcanons and the particular ideas I kept coming back to… won’t lie they all still intrigue and interest me, even now. I’ve been thinking about adding to Press Play (not even something on the WIP list!!! What is wrong with me???), thinking a very little about the Ark AU and about the old Chopped/Troped time loop fic that I want to reconfigure as not a time loop but don’t know how, and, as I mentioned yesterday, the Miller/Bellamy road trip fic that just grows in scope every time I look at it. Even though I’m so notoriously bad at actually writing chapter fics or longfics! I mean hell one-shots take me long enough!

So, that’s what’s on my mind. I am trying to be optimistic. I know I say that every week and they all just pummel me and nothing ever gets better. But I will keep trying. I have some vacation days I need to use up so I’ll be taking some long weekends in the near future. I hope that, plus maybe some cooler temperatures (please for the love of God let it get cooler), will maybe help me get myself together, personally and creatively.

[hellishrebukesystem]

Jacob + Graham—SYSTEM UPDATE—[01/05/23]

First, the best part of today, we received the most beautiful gift from our girlfriend—it was picked out with such care and obvious love; it is a blue crescent moon wrapped around a pink heart shaped stone. We quite adore it; it is amazing and so is she——

On to the tasks of the day, we have to dry some sweaters and clean our room; we had a salad for lunch (it was gross and wilted, but we had to try—new year resolution? Salad 3x a week. 2 done so far—Friday will be a fruit salad and I think it will be a bit more pleasant.) We also have to call the local pharmacy about my risperidone. (The spiders on the floors and walls have already started again, and it has only been four days, gag) We also want to get some knitting done, but there is no guarantee because the to do list is pretty full;

Collectively we are like way behind on our creative work. We need to write 14 poems today to stick to schedule (insane—i think i should just get off schedule—14??? 14??——that’s too much) We need to write 800 words on our current novel project——honestly we should get some planning done for some of the other works in progress too, but I don’t know where we will find the time. We want to do an art piece today too—because David has been missing that part of ourself; we haven’t done anything but creative writing for so so long—art is missing and he wants it back.

On top of that, we are working on an academic project——Harley has really, really been enjoying it. She has lit up on the inside and it is really nice to see. We got a tremendous amount of research started yesterday——mostly the ideas centered around horror, gender roles, privacy, and collective consciousness. It is still in development—very jello like and loose right now—but it will get more solid.

Anyway, in the last few days, academic writing has become a golden shining thing again, especially since we have been away from it for so long. In grad school, the professors were always trying to tell us that we have real analytical talent and good research habits—they thought we should really consider being an an academic writer; and we always kinda resented it because we felt like they were shitting on us for wanting to be a creative writer; but that was a stupid anger and attitude to have. In the end, now that we’ve been away for a couple years—we realize how much we’ve missed it.

One last thing for the day, we are going to attempt a semi-cleanse of social media—we are gonna cut back drastically. No TikTok’s until the whole day’s tasks are done. We can continue to post our usual System Update on tumblr—but no browsing—no chatting—no pointless meme scrolling. We will also post instapoetry and tumblr poet things——because this is part of our daily tasks. We can use YouTube—but only for music, movies, and TV. (And they can be used in the background for noise—but no comment scrolling—no videos of influencers, beauty gurus, slice of life, etc.) And on the days we have to do TikToks, we will post those, but not stick around to watch videos or lives or anything.

No twitter. No facebook.

Twitter exception is when I am scrolling for submission opportunities for poetry and writing and such—but otherwise—none, and I can’t do it until every other task is complete.

Pinterest is approved for story plotting/planning/and character stories. Again only after all other tasks are completed.

This social media fast seems really intimidating right now, but a dopamine reset might actually help a lot. Maybe if you followed along with my blog at all the last few years you have seen a long descent into a deep dark place; we are at a point man—last appointment with our T, she was like, if you don’t change your attitude and thoughts to ones of being present and accepting self-love—you can’t be saved.

And I’ve got to say, that’s a crazy scary place to be——I’m scared every day that I wake up and ever day I say—today, you just have to make it through today, you just gotta succeed at today’s task list—tomorrow doesn’t matter yet; yesterday doesn’t matter anymore. Even right now, I’m just wondering if we can even do it. But I just can’t look forward past the hour, the minute, the second I’m in.

I’m hoping taking a break from social media will help—I will be cutting back a lot; I have to do it. I don’t know how to fix us; but people are relying on us——pets, children, loved ones, friends——they want me here, and I owe to them to stay; I just gotta get myself out of the pit.

In conclusion, the next era begins today—we are always living a new page in today; today is all we really have—perspective is what rides out the wave or lets you drown; yes, some things objectively suck, but you have to move forward and peace comes with the acknowledgement that life moves at its own whims.

[mochegato]

Even the Losers

Chapter 5

Chapter 1     Chapter 4

“Not quite the child you expected to be on the front page today, was it?” Lucius commented, falling into step with Bruce as soon as he exited the elevator on their offices’ floor.

Bruce shot him a slight glare.  He heavily suspected the receptionist at the front of letting Lucius know he was on his way up so he could stage this ambush.  “No, no it was not,” he gritted out.  He loved Lucius.  He did.  But he was not looking forward to discussing this with anyone right now.  He needed to talk to Sabine and figure out his next steps.  He didn’t have time for teasing or hurt feelings, unless they were Marinette’s or his other children’s.

“Don’t think she expected it either.  She was quite distraught when the reporters found her this morning,” Lucius noted calmly.

Bruce stopped and glared full force at him. “Why were you with her this morning?”

Lucius raised an unamused eyebrow at him. “Early morning meeting with her and her friend, Max Kante, the one who actually invented the fabric Ms. Cole tried to take credit for.”  He continued walking toward Bruce’s office, not caring whether he caught up or not. If he wanted to be an overbearing ass, they could have a meeting with that tone and Bruce definitely wouldn’t be the one to win.

“Sorry,” Bruce grumbled, catching up to him.

Lucius nodded to let him know he accepted the apology. “She takes after you, you know.  I could see how upset she was with the reporters’ questions but she masked it expertly.  Seemed to completely shut down those emotions.  If I didn’t know you, I might not have known it was all an act.  Shut the reporter down without admitting anything too, or lying.  Quite smart, that daughter of yours.”  Lucius turned toward Bruce as they passed through Bruce’s office doors.  “Must get that from her mother,” he teased.

Bruce let out a long breath.  “Without a doubt.  How was she at the meeting?”

Lucius raised both eyebrows at that question, otherwise not reacting at all.  “You haven’t spoken with her yet?”

Bruce focused on his desk as he sat behind it. “I haven’t had the opportunity yet,” he hedged.

Lucius narrowed his eyes slightly but answered the question.  “She was brilliant.  She is brilliant.  She was calm and collected.  Engaging and polite.  Very insightful.  You would never know she had been accosted and almost assaulted a few moments before. Completely professional.”

“What do you mean ‘almost assaulted’?” Bruce growled.

“Particularly aggressive reporter.  I gave PR and security his name and picture.  We’ll have a restraining order put out and he won’t be allowed at any Wayne events,” he answered calmly.

Bruce squeezed the arm rest on his chair until it fell off in his hand.  He let out an annoyed growl and threw it in the garbage.  He pushed the intercom on his desk phone, more aggressively than necessary.  “I’m going to need a new chair, David.”  

He slammed the button again before he had the chance to respond and let out a long deep breath to calm himself.  “It’s already started.  It hasn’t even been a day.”  He shook his head and looked up at Lucius.  “Can you see about getting a restraining order for her personally as well, please?  And how was the meeting?” Bruce asked.

“It was successful.  Mr. Kante seems extremely excited about our contract.  He’s looking over it today, but I expect he’ll begin working for us as of next week.  I’m still working on your daughter though,” he mused.

Bruce choked and looked back at him.  “Excuse me!”

“To work for us,” Lucius tried to disguise the amused glint in his eyes, but not too hard.  It was interesting seeing Bruce acting so disconcerted, and not pretending for an audience, actually feeling it.  “She helped Mr. Kante develop the fabric and understands how best to show it off.  She would be invaluable to have on the project.  Hell, she’d be invaluable to have in the company.”

Bruce furrowed his brow in confusion.  “I thought Mr. Kante developed the fabric.”

“He did.  He definitely figured out how to make it work, but she was a significant help.  Her insights and advice were key.  She tried to deny it but he kept insisting.  Without both of them, there wouldn’t be any fabric. Not to mention she’s the one that discovered Rabler and Cole were stealing ideas.  She created the trap and presented the evidence.”  Lucius couldn’t keep the proud tone out of his voice.  

Bruce’s lips turned up in a wide, proud smile.  “Yeah?”  Lucius nodded with a proud smile of his own, albeit smaller than Bruce’s.  Bruce just stopped himself from saying ‘that’s my girl’ because he wasn’t sure he got to make a statement like that.  Not when he hadn’t been involved in bringing her up in any way.  But it didn’t stop his chest from puffing up with pride at the knowledge.  

She was smart.  She was caring.  She was creative.  She was insightful and brilliant.  She was healthy and unscarred.  She was everything he hoped she would get to be growing up away from him.  He must have done something right.  But the idea of having her work next to him like Tim did, getting to see her every day… He smiled at the thought.  “How successful do you think you were getting her to agree?”

Lucius hesitated.  “Not very,” he admitted slowly.  “I don't know the nature of your relationship…” He watched Bruce carefully as he spoke.  “… but she seemed to respond positively when I stressed that I wanted her because of her skill, not because of any association with you.”

Bruce looked down and nodded.  “There is no relationship. She didn't know.”

“So her being your daughter isn't the reason if you manipulated Candice into looking into her and offer her to the rest of us as a possible designer for the product like it was her own idea?” Lucius raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

“I knew.  She didn't,” Bruce admitted.

Lucius nodded in understanding.  “Until when?”

“This morning, I imagine,” Bruce sighed.

Lucius raised an eyebrow at him, vividly recalling her behavior at the gala.  The way she’d balked at meeting him in his office at WE.  The way she’d frozen immediately upon seeing Bruce, all her fire and confidence falling instantaneously.  The way she’d been almost begging for a way out from having to spend time with Bruce.  “You think she didn’t know before the gala?”

Bruce scrunched his face in indignation. “No.  Sabine would have told me if she’d told her.”

Lucius shook his head incredulously. “Alright.”  If Bruce wanted to believe that, he wasn’t going to correct him. “So you were going to stay out of it and manipulate everything from behind the scenes?  Only exposing your relationship when you felt comfortable with it?”  Bruce looked down and nodded.

Lucius narrowed his eyes at him, his gaze suddenly sharp.  He tossed the file in his hand onto Bruce’s desk.  “I didn’t take you for a coward, Mr. Wayne.”

Bruce sighed as he watched him walk out of the room. His gaze fell on the file Lucius had left behind on his desk, the file on DCD with Marinette’s picture on the front. He pulled the picture off of the file to look closer.  He smiled as his mind flashed back to innocent baby eyes blinking back at him. Her eyes hadn’t changed in twenty years. Still the same bright, brilliant, hopeful eyes.  His mother’s eyes.  He could see it almost as soon as she was born.  He could never allow those eyes to be hurt, could never bear to see them in pain, which is all his life seemed to be.

“Then you don’t really know me,” he mumbled as he put the picture back and turned away, his eyes landing on the phone.  He took a deep breath and got ready for the conversation he had to have next.  He picked up the phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.  He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration realizing he had memorized it not because he’d actually dialed it enough to have the muscle memory, but because he’d intentionally committed it to memory.

“That took longer than expected,” Sabine answered on the second ring, annoyance clear in her voice.

Bruce let out a deep sigh.  He wasn’t expecting this call to go well, but he needed her help. “I was handling the rest of my family. They didn’t take to the news that they had a sister I never told them about too well.”

“Shocking,” Sabine deadpanned.  “And how did Marinette take it?”

Bruce hesitated unsure of how to answer that. “You haven’t spoken with her yet.” The disappointment in her voice was almost palpable.  Bruce could almost feel it slapping him across the face and pulling him down to her level.

“I don’t want to mess this up,” he admitted more honestly than he had intended.  “More than I have already.  I don’t want to drive her away by saying the wrong thing,” he chuckled mirthlessly at himself again, “and we both know that’s absolutely something I would do.  I need to know the best way to approach her.  What do I need to do?”

Sabine sighed and Bruce could hear her shuffling around until letting out a lighter sigh like she was sitting down.  “Well, everything’s going to be pretty raw for her. That’s the first thing.  She hasn’t had time to process this.  She needs to process in order to know how she wants to respond.  If you approach her before she’d had time to process, she’s going to freak out on you or just shut down completely, cold, detached.  Did I mention she sometimes takes after you, especially since Hawkmoth?

“But, she tends towards anxiety and overreaction spirals that she has to be brought out of.  Her friends are there, so see if she wants them with her whenever you meet. They’ll know how to bring her out of it and calm her down.  She might need a few more days before she can meet in person, but don’t wait until then to contact her.”

Bruce nodded, fighting the urge to take notes. That would be inappropriate right? To write down psychological insights into his own daughter?  “Yeah, a few hours isn’t all that much time to process,” he agreed absentmindedly, still trying to figure out how many notes would be acceptable.  He almost jumped in his seat when Sabine started cackling.  He did accidentally ram his arm hard enough to bruise on the point sticking up from the remnants of the broken armrest.

He sputtered until she took pity on him. “You think she’s only known for an hour?”

Bruce paused and stared at the phone, trying to process her words.  “You told her?” he was too shocked to be upset yet.

“No,” she answered quickly.  “I don’t know how she found out but she knew before today.”

“You think she knew when she planned to come here,” he said incredulously.

“No, definitely not when she first planned it,” she corrected him.

“How can you be so certain?”

Sabine chuckled ruefully.  “She's not like us Bruce.  She can't lie to save her life.  She's terrible at it.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  If she knew she was going to see her biological father for the first time, without him expecting it, she would’ve been anxious, fidgety when she told me the plan to go to Gotham.  She wasn't.  This was all about Max.  

“I have no idea what point between last Monday and today she figured it out.  But, I can say that she's not answering my calls now.  I expected her to call and laugh about it or get anxiety about it because she felt bad for causing you trouble.  She didn’t.  She asked Adrien to let us know she needs space.  So she knew.”

Bruce let out a frustrated groan.  “She's upset.”

Sabine took a beat before responding.  “I'm not sure since I haven’t gotten to speak to her about it.  But, knowing her I’d bet on confused rather than upset.  Hurt.  Betrayed. Can you blame her?”  There was an extended pause while they both tried to process what they knew and how to respond.

After a minute of silence, Sabine spoke up a wry tone to her voice.  “You know, she’s always been an extremely cheery child.   Wouldn't know she was related to you at all when she was younger,” she laughed lightly, “well, people who bought into your socialite persona might, but nobody that knows you, really knows you and your brooding nature.  She always tries to see the best in everyone and bring it out.  

“She used to come into the bakery when we had customers and no matter what mood they were in, they would leave smiling.  Even the ones in the worst mood would be laughing by the time they left.  She just had that effect on people.

“But the one thing she could never stand, that drove her crazy, was a liar.  She can’t stand lying and liars.”  Her voice suddenly turned sharp and serious.  “And she just found out, and not from us,” she emphasized, “that we lied to her about this her whole life and that you never wanted her around but did want other kids around.”

“That is absolutely not the case and you know it,” Bruce roared instantly.

Sabine made a few placating noises.  “You know that.  And I know that… on some level.  But she doesn't.”  She stressed.  “I have no idea how you’re going to prove it to her now.  Because all she sees is that you walked away when she was one and never turned back.  Not until the media got involved and forced you to.  And she doesn’t even know that much actually.  Really all she knows is you walked away.  That's what you're going to be up against; her thinking that she is a burden, a prop for you, that all your interest is feigned.”

“Inadequacy issues,” Bruce nodded.  Memories of Damian’s first years in the manor flashed through his mind.  He shuddered at the memory of Damian trying to kill Dick his first night and trying to kill Tim the first time he saw him, believing he was interfering with his birthright.  “But not violent, right?” he asked cautiously.  Because if she was anything like Damian, they were going to have to take some precautions, not that Sabine had given him any reason to suspect that. But then again, it would mean she wanted to be part of their family, so that was at least a starting point.

Sabine laughed.  “Marinette violent?  She’ll rip you to shreds if you touch one of her friends, but verbally.  She couldn’t fight her way out of a paper bag.”

Her reassurance made Bruce frown more.  That was good… kind of.  He didn’t have to worry about her attacking the other kids, not that he was worried about that, really.  Nothing he had ever heard about her or seen so far would indicate that was something he needed to be concerned about.  But that also mean she had no way of protecting herself if she ever got kidnapped or caught in a rogue attack.  

Maybe that was something Damian could help her with. He was an excellent fighter and it was something he greatly enjoyed.  He felt at ease when he was practicing or sparring.  Maybe that was a way they could bond, Damian sharing something important to him.  Bruce immediately grimaced at the idea.  There was no way Damian teaching someone with no fighting experience how to fight ended well for either of them.  It was more likely to result in a frustrated Damian and a bloodied, bruised, and scared Marinette.

Dick!  Dick could teach her, or Tim.  Both also excellent fighters and both much more likely to go slowly, easing her into something her body had never been used to.  Bruce nodded to himself.  Dick would jump at the chance to work with her.  And Tim, although less enthusiastic, would be more than willing to help make sure she could protect herself.

Bruce took a breath and focused back on the conversation at hand.  “So… go slowly.  Ask if she would be okay with meeting first.  Give her time to adjust before the meeting.  Try to figure out how to reassure her my interest in a relationship with her has nothing to do with the media.”  He nodded with a grimace.  “That shouldn’t be too hard.”

He could hear Sabine’s reassuring smile through the phone.  “As long as she’s had time to process, it should be okay.  She’s helped friends go through the same thing.  It shouldn’t be too hard once you get past the initial part.”

“Right.  I can do this.” Bruce said, more to himself than Sabine.

“And Bruce?”  Bruce was immediately tense from the edge in her seemingly sweet voice. “Protect our girl.  This is a lot for her all at once.”

Bruce breathed out a relieved sigh.  “I will.”

“Because if you don’t, not even Batman will be able to protect you.”

Bruce blinked a few times and opened his mouth only to snap it shut quickly, unsure if he even wanted to figure out if that was a veiled reference or not.  After a few seconds he nodded resolutely, deciding it didn’t matter.  “I understand.”

“Good day, Bruce,” Sabine said sweetly.

“Good night, Sabine,” Bruce answered with a smile, wondering just how much of her mother Marinette had replicated.

Chapter 6

Tags:

@maribat-bdbwm @jayjayspixiepop @redscarlet95 @alice-hazelwood @deathssilentapproach-blog @unoriginalmess @alyssadeliv @emotionalsupportginger @frieddonutsweets @when-no-wings-do-broomsticks @toodaloo-kangaroo @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @iloontjeboontje @wolf-for-life @maribatserver @aespades @prettylittlebutterflie imarivers8  certainmuffinbagelcalzone 

[yunoysl]

truth or dare. (m)

Summary: none it’s literally self explanatory they play truth or dare and proceed to fuck

Pairing: fuckboy!jaemin + fuckgirl!reader

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: use of weed, mention of feeling like vomiting, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie, size kink, Jaemin’s very big, small praising and degradation

Hope you like it! Feedback is greatly appreciated! also off topic but I really like the header I made.

You’ve finally arrived at the party everyone has been talking about for two weeks now. You’ve been invited like crazy by a bunch of different guys, and who are you to turn down a good party.

“Y/N, you’re here” Jaehyun, the thrower of said party, asks you when he sees you step through the door. You both had a small fling for two months before he decided to make moves on the girl he’s been pining for 3 years. They’re been together for 5 months now, and you’re so happy for both of them.

“Yeah, where Haechan”

“In the kitchen doing god knows what”

You bid him a goodbye before heading to the kitchen, seeing your best friend Haechan mixing random drinks together and Jeno on the side looking at him and the drinks with disgust. You walked in just in time to hear the conversation they were having.

“I told you soda cannot make your stomach explode”

“But Yukhei said that it did, why would he lie to me”

“That’s because you’re naive and believe anything he tells you”

“I do not”

“Last week you believed the thing we saw while we were walking at night was a skincrawer because Yukhei said so”

“So, it actually might’ve been one”

“It was Taeyong looking for his keys that he dropped”

“You’re both idiots” you interrupt their conversion to make yourself known.

Your voice makes Haechan jump, which makes Jeno laugh. “We weren’t talking about how naive I am”

“Oh Haechan, you’re very naive, but that’s what I love about you”

“Hey Y/N”

“Hi Jeno” you’re extra happy to see him. Yes you’ve also slept with him but he was so sweet about it, not wanting do anything you didn’t feel comfortable with and also spoiling with your affection and praises before and after doing it.

“Haechan, what are you even doing?”

“I don’t know, I was bored, I came in here and saw drinks so I decided to get creative”

“He’s lost his mind” Jeno says, referring not just to him believing everything Yukhei tells him, but also the need to mix drinks just because he was bored.

“I knew that a long time ago”

“Can y’all stop bashing me like I’m not standing right here? So Y/N, you gonna sleep with anyone while you’re here? It’s been 3 weeks since you last slept with someone, I’m kinda starting to get worried that you’re a robot who’s replaced the real Y/N” You’ve had your fair share of guys. And you’re pretty experienced in what you do, never having a guy be disappointed when you’re with them. “You know Jaemin’s here?”

“So?”

“The amount of sexual tension you both have is insane, it makes everyone around uncomfortable. Just fuck him already”

“And I will, he’s the only one of your friend group that I haven’t slept with”

“Okay gross, and also you haven’t done me yet”

“You don’t count” he glares at you as you take a sip of the your drink, which thankfully wasn’t touched by Haechan and his experimenting.

“Thanks, I’ll try not to be offended”

“That’s the spirit”

Your attention switched from Haechan talking to Jaemin in the corner being very intimate with a girl. One of his hands was on her waist while the other was caressing her face, laughing at what she was saying.

“What are you guys doing inside” Yukhei, another friend of yours asked as he interrupted your attention to make his presence known in the kitchen, “all the fun is happening by the pool”

You, Haechan and Jeno moved to the pool, indulging in conversation with your group of friends. You’re watching as Johnny rolls a joint, about to have his second of the night. He offers you to take the first hit, you happily take it, only taking two puffs before passing it back to him not wanting to get too high or messed up tonight.

“If you’re not gonna get with Jaemin might as well get with Johnny again, I mean look at him, he’s huge, and I’m not just talking about what’s in between his legs” Haechan whispers into your ear, scaring you as you didn’t expect him to be all in your ear.

“Haechan, that’s gross”

“Rich coming from someone who’s had said thing between his legs in their mouth”

“I will punch you in the face if you don’t shut up”

“I’m just saying, the way his long slender fingers look while he’s pinching the paper of the blunt, a second time wouldn’t hurt”

You don’t get the chance to smack him before Jaemin is rushing over to where you were.

“Hey Y/N, can you come help me take Jaehyun to his bedroom. He drank a little too much and needs to be moved to his room”

“Oh, sure” you bid Haechan a goodbye, but not before having him give you a wink, silently telling you to get with Jaemin while you’re alone with him.

It wasn’t easy getting Jaehyun to his bed. First of all you had to kick out two people who were in there doing it, second you had to keep pausing and taking breaks since he’s very heavy and much taller than both of you — you don’t know why he didn’t just ask Johnny to help him. and thirdly, he was on the verge of throwing up a lot, so you had to keep him from puking on either one of you. You both decided to take a break in one of the empty bedrooms, too tired to walk back downstairs.

“Well we’re alone now... wanna play truth or dare”

“Really? You’re that childish?”

“Come on, it’s a fun game. Truth or dare”

“Okay, dare”

“I dare you to fuck me”

There’s a pregnant silence from you, making Jaemin slightly start to worry and make him think that he just ruined the friendship you both have, before you finally said, “okay”

He pushed you onto the bed before climbing on top of you, bringing his face close to yours to press a hard kiss to your lips. Your hand reaching up to pull on his soft locks while your mouth was on his. Your lips were so in sync with his, you found yourself lost in thought before he pulled away, eager to finally be inside you.

He obviously had to get you ready first and not just shove himself into you when you’re not even wet. He pulls your shorts and underwear off to throw them to the side. His fingers find their way to your wet count, teasing you by rubbing his fingers over you before shoving two inside you, not wanting to waste time.

“You’re so wet, naughty girl. You couldn’t even wait for me to do it myself, you’re already dripping just from me kissing you” The wetness of your cunt was very evident in the quiet room, the sound of it reaching Jaemin’s ears and having his thrusting into the air. He slipped another finger into you, thrusting them for a few minutes before pulling them out.

He pulled you off the bed to be in your spot where you were laying before pulling you on top of him.

His hands grip your hips while pulling you down on him.

His eyes made eye contact with yours as you stretched around him, his lips still swollen from your make out session.

“You’re so good for me. So tight, so so tight” He started thrusting upwards, your hips bouncing to meet his. You buried your face into his shoulder, moaning out as he bottomed out inside you. He was big, really really big, nearly splitting you in half if you hadn’t been adjusted to him.

“S-So big, Jaemin... it’s too much.” The stretch he was giving you almost had you dizzy.

“Shhh.. it’s okay. You can take me. I’m right here” His cock felt so good inside you, feeling every vein and ridge of his cock as he continuously thrusted into you. Your moans made his cock twitch.

You were both so sexually frustrated that it wasn’t quick until you felt yourselves about to finish at the same time. His tip continuously hitting your g-spot had you moaning in ecstasy, the pleasure he was giving you had you on the verge of almost blacking out. His cum was leaking from around his cock as he thrusted in and out of you.

“Cum with me, you can do it” that was what had you coming undone, your pussy clenching around him as his warm cum painting your walls white. Your eyes rolled back as he filled you up to the brim, your toes curling.

When he pulled out, both of yours cum that was mixed together leaked out of you, the white substance dripping down onto Jaemin thighs, having him moan at the sight of your abused pussy filled and leaking with his cum. It would’ve made him hard again if he wasn’t extremely tired.

You were so caught up in being busy with Jaemin you didn’t realize he had brought you to his room, and not some strangers like you originally thought. He cleaned you up before heading downstairs to get you both water and some snacks and returning back to you, both of you deciding to watch Netflix and enjoy each other’s warm company.

[sturchling]

Hey I was wondering if you could do a fan fiction where Lila and marinette were actually best friends but were faking to see who were good friends or not. If you do , do it pls take your time I don’t want to rush you

Also look at the taco I made

Sorry this took so long! I know you said not to rush, but still! Thanks for being patient! Hope you like it, and that is a interesting looking taco. Definitely different from my family's style of taco! Hope you enjoy the story!

Marinette had been attending a creative arts summer program for several years. The program was based out of London and kids from all over Europe would attend for different styles of creative arts. Marinette's grandmother would always make sure to be in London during the month of this program and Marinette would stay with her while the program was happening. Marinette often found herself excited for this one month away from Paris. Sure she loved being with her parents and friends, but it was nice to get away to a place nobody knew you for a while. She never even told her class where she went for that one month out of the summer. It was great.

---------------------

Marinette made a lot of friends at the program, but she loved to hang out with Lila. She was studying theater at the program while Marinette studied fashion design. Lila was always so fun to hang out with, and they would spend hours just working on their different projects. Marinette working on her newest design, while Lila refined her monologues. Marinette was always amazed by Lila's acting. Its like she became a completely different person with each new piece Lila was practicing. It was very impressive.

------------------

Over the last few years, Marinette was starting to feel as though her friends in Paris weren't real friends. She started to notice how they only really wanted to hang out when they needed her to design or bake something. And they would often ask for things last minute, not thinking about Marinette's schedule, or even offering to pay for the supplies. Marinette didn't want to think that of her classmates, but it was getting difficult to ignore. Especially this year, because the amount of requests they had made had nearly tripled. Marinette was thrilled when it was time to head to her summer program and she could get away from Paris for a while.

------------------

Lila noticed pretty quickly that Marinette seemed different this year. She seemed more down, and more quiet then previous years. "Marinette? Is something wrong? You seem quiet..." Marinette snapped out of her trance and looked up at Lila. "Sorry Lila, I'm alright.." Lila put down her script, and sat down next to Marinette. "Come on Marinette. I can tell when you are lying. There is a reason I am in the acting program and you aren't." That got Marinette to laugh a little and for a moment she was just the happy Marinette that Lila knew. But the smile quickly faded. "Ok, I'll tell you." Marinette told Lila everything. How the class had been treating her and all of her doubts. "I just don't know if they really think of me as a friend, or if they are just using me. And I don't want to ask, because if they do think of me as a friend, I could offend them by asking. I just don't know what to do!" Lila thought for a moment, unsure of how to help her friend. She went home to think about it for the night, when her mother gave her the best news.

-----------------

The next day, Lila rushed to Marinette and told her the news. "What? Your mom said you guys are moving to Paris for a year? That's awesome!" Lila was smiling, happy to see Marinette smiling. "And, best of all, we can fix these doubts. I can pretend to be the world's worst liar. I'll try and trick the class into believing my lies, and if they fall for it, then I will try to convince them to ditch you in exchange for favors and VIP treatment. If they ditch you, then they weren't really your friends and you will know for sure. If they don't, then they really care about you and you won't have to worry anymore." Marinette agreed to the plan, and they started to plan out all the little details and the lies Lila would use on the class. By the time the program was over for the summer and Marinette returned to Paris, they had a perfect plan. All that was left was to wait for school to start.

-----------------

The school year had started, and Lila had just arrived. She wasted no time and started to wow the students with all of her 'amazing achievements'. Soon the whole school was fawning over her, with hardly any effort on Lila's part. Lila was thankfully in Mrs. Bustier's class, so that would make the plan much easier. Just as they discussed, Marinette spent most of the next few weeks trying to tell everyone that Lila was lying to them, to see if they would believe Lila or Marinette. When Marinette first voiced her concerns this past summer, Lila was sure her friend was just overthinking things. Sure the class was obviously inconsiderate from what Marinette had told Lila, but she was sure the class really thought of Marinette as a friend.

-------------------

Oh, how quickly Lila was proven wrong. It only took a few weeks for the entire class to very clearly side with Lila. They told Marinette that she was just jealous of Lila and that Lila wasn't lying. While Lila's hope for the class was diminishing with each passing day, she clung to the hope that maybe the class was just gullible, but would stick with Marinette when it mattered. Now that the class had obviously decided to believe Lila, the two girls moved to the next stage of the plan. Lila started to tell the class that Marinette was harassing and bullying her. She offered the class no proof of these claims, just told them it happened. And to Lila's surprise, the class instantly believed her and dumped Marinette immediately. They isolated Marinette and nobody would talk to her. All because Lila said so.

-----------------

Lila was truly horrified. She couldn't believe that Marinette's class ditched her like that. After talking it over with Marinette, they decided on one more test. Just to be sure that the class had truly sided with Lila for her 'connections and favors'. Lila was going to 'apologize' and reveal to the class that she had been lying and she didn't know all these people. But that was the only lie she would reveal. She would stick by what she said about Marinette bullying her. Would the class continue to defend Lila against a bully? Would they apologize to Marinette for believing a liar? Or would they instantly go back to Marinette like nothing happened?

--------------------

The next day, Lila made the reveal. She told the class she lied about her celebrity connections, made a tearful and sincere apology, said that she had just thought no one would like her so she made herself seem more important to help make friends, but made it clear that Marinette was bullying her. "I am really sorry! I was just scared about moving to a new country and was desperate to make friends. But Marinette figured it out and has been so mean to me ever since, so I was afraid how you guys would react if I told you. But you guys have been so nice, I really hope we can stay friends and I will do anything to make it up to you guys!" The class' reaction was instant. They instantly turned their backs on Lila and made her the class outcast. While that is bad, if they had apologized to Marinette, that would have made it kind of ok. But instead, they just started talking to Marinette again. They tried to act like nothing happened and they hadn't ditched Marinette for a liar. Like they hadn't believed a girl they hardly knew over their 'close friend'. Like they hadn't thought the worst in Marinette just because of Lila. That was the final straw for Marinette. It was clear to her that the class didn't really think of her as a friend. Or at the very least, they didn't treat her like a friend. And Marinette was done with it.

-----------------

Marinette decided to leave Dupont behind completely. She and Lila revealed their real plan to the class and left the school for good. She switched to a different school in the city that had a fantastic arts program. With her portfolio, the school quickly accepted her. Marinette was in her new school by Monday. Lila switched with her, and the two girls spent the rest of Lila's year in Paris having a great time at their new school. When it was time for Lila to leave, Marinette saw her and her mother to the airport, promising to see Lila at the summer program in two weeks. As she got back to the bakery one day, right before she left for London, she saw the class standing outside. They tried to apologize and ask to be friends again, but Marinette shut that down fast. "No. I am not coming back to Dupont, and we aren't friends anymore. It isn't just about Lila. Lila just made it clear that we haven't been friends for a very long time. I am happy at my new school. I have found real friends, that treat me like a friend would. And its all thanks to my real best friend, Lila. Now, please go. I have to pack for the summer." With that, Marinette went inside and closed the door on her old fake friends.