#i think i big-stim by full body movement

[rooshoom]

I did it. I have Spots verbal quirks in the previous post and now you get to have Spots physical quirks and movements with some quotes from when I noticed he does them.

Poses

Terrible casual ‘guy’ poses

The arm lean, the hand on the hip, the tilted head. He is totally faking the confidence.

“I love how many of your there are!”

“It’s the place with the big collider.”

Shoulders / Arms

When he first walks into the store to rob the ATM, he has super tense shoulders. We see a lot of his stress and tension carried more in his upper body than lower body.

Lots of shrugging

Shrinks in on himself by squeezing his arms to his sides

During the flashback when he brought the spider from 42 to 1610 you can really see how much he tries to squeeze in on himself.

Slings his arms, when he throws his portals his arms fly forward very fluidly. Example when he throws the portal at Pav, Gwen and Hobie, he throws it hard enough that his upper body drops once it’s out of his hand.

Hand movements

Fingers first, if you watch the way he reaches into the ATM he doesn’t just casually reach in, he grabs things with his fingers instead of his whole hand or with his palm

Floppy hand / t-rex arm

Conveys tons of emotions through his hands, like when he is shocked he flexes his fingers open. Maybe picked up on this since he can no longer express emotion through his face.

Balled fists but likely out of nerves. Once again seen in the flashback of the spider.

Points with all of his fingers instead of just one. “You made me into this!”

Standing / walking

It seems like he only stands at full height when he’s trying to convince himself to be confident. “I am the Spot.”

Even when he’s actually confident he doesn’t stand at full height. Right before he disappears inside Pav’s collider, which you can tell by his verbal cues that he’s very confident with what he's about to do, he’s still leaned over.

Knees together, once against this man just wants to appear small.

Clumsy. “I need more spots!” Running into walls, dropping things, and twisting around corners.

Would rather stand, crouch, or stand on his knees than sit down. Look at Gwen watch him ramble to himself while building, he doesn’t sit once.

Crouches with his neck more than his back. “You’ll have a villain worth fighting for.”

Head / Face

Head tilts

Leans forward to see with face first, so lucky he has a hole right there to deflect fists because if he didn’t he would be punched in the face so fast.

When he says “wow four on there.” You can see him lean in with his face. Totally why that old lady beat him with a purse.

Literal nose tilted up attitude later in the movie. When he’s in Pav’s universe dropping scientists into portals, he has face tilted up and nodding along with how many holes he creates.

Other

I see him stim with his legs a lot, such as hopping foot to foot. “This is real.”

Just generally very fluid, watch how he falls into the portal when he yells, “I am your nemesis!” He flops into it instead of bracing for impact. He has no sense of self preservation.

He. Cannot. Fight. Watch all of his scenes and look at how loose he is. A slinky of a man.

Look at how he flails. This man would flinch if you threw a pillow at him.

Y’all, I’m absolutely encouraging you to write Spot X Reader with my lists. I’m trying to make this easy as possible, don’t think babygirl just write a bedtime story for the masses we can all peacefully drift off to. Let me spoil you with the time I spent doing this so you don’t have to.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Two times of big progress that I am proud of!

(Plus some amount of ramble and probably repetition… sorry!)

On Saturday, best friend came over to the house! And we did even more than just wave from bedroom door!! They come in and sit in my room (and lie on floor XD) and we chat and hang out. It was really really nice. Lots of nostalgia and love to hear a familiar safe person voice. And I missed their smell - it is the same.

At same time - have body reaction of tense all muscles and feel anxious. Like “protection mechanism”. Because years of feel scared and unsafe all the time around People. I have to work very hard to unteach my body those reactions. And teach that I am safe now and not danger.

It is harder to do, because of way brain makes connections and memories links. And relate certain people/places/sounds/voices/smells, etc. with memory of how body felt at that particular time.

Emotions I don’t recognise, so it is all about body feelings for me. Tense muscles all over, a lot sweaty, movements clumsy and impulsive, tummy uncomfy, squeezy chest and throat, fingers pick and pull and clench and never still, teeth clench need to bite, lick and bite lips, tongue curl up and always moving, etc. etc. etc.

The connections are so strong. It is hard to “override”.

Nevertheless, I am proud. I am very brave. I work so so hard to overcome brain barriers. And this is a HUGE achievement for that. BIG step in the right direction. I try so hard. Mum says I am brave and she is proud.

*******

On Wednesday, it is another Emily (support worker) day! I did very well and had a lot of time with her in my room. We played card (with Mum also) a bit, and watched some musicals bootlegs! Second half-ish of Heathers, and first half of Mean Girls!! Next week we will finish it.

I also did some sewing at the same time as watching (/listening). Emily say it is very neat and intricate! 😁

Here is messages I write to Mum after Emily leave: I am happy. Also tired and muscles sore from automatic body reaction of tense. But at the end I started to get focused almost fully on the watching, so I relaxed a tiny bit. Because I was not having full focus on just Person. It will take a long time to break down that body response… but it is all steps in the right direction! I laughed and smiled a lot - partly from anxiety but it is also funny and makes me happy. And also was relaxed enough that I had automatic happy stims, instead of such amount tense body that I am frozen.

What I mean in message about “focus on Person” is: because of anxiety and years of around unsafe bad people (and unsafe and environments in general), I have “survival mode” where brain puts all focus on just protect myself from Danger. Except now, it is no danger. But still, it makes me put all attention to the Person there (no matter who), and be so so careful about what I do, how I do it, careful not draw attention to myself, not “annoy” or “bother” (because that means bad consequences in past).

It is like fight/flight/freeze. I used to live in that state almost every second of my life.

When I finally feel relaxed/safe enough, my attention goes fully to the thing I watch/listen/read/do. And go into my natural mind bubble state. Only focus is on one thing, like mental tunnel vision. (It is not quite as intense as hyperfocus - that is more extreme). It means I forget People is there (sounds bad, but actually just means I am not in fight/flight/freeze response).

I think I probably seem less attentive/aware when I am not in “Survival Mode”. And maybe seem like less interaction. That is because I have tiny more control over body when I feel safe and relaxed. Less automatic body response, less unintentional reaction, less immediate impulsive etc. etc. More able to wait until I process - then true response.

It is hard to explain to people that some things that look like they “get worse” on outside, is actually sign of Good Stuff happen for brain/body. And if there is different behaviour now compared to childhood, that is not bad - in fact opposite!

Anyway, I am starting to get closer to that level of relaxed with Emily (and best friend). It will take a LOT more time, but I am proud of the progress.

[iron-sparrow]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

In no particular order!

LIFTING BIG WEIGHTS. It is a mental and physical struggle I absolutely enjoy, and very few things on this green(ish) earth can give me the same high lifting does. My current highest number is 253 lbs/115 kg for 2 on sumos. The other day I did 227/103 for 3 without pausing. Also, depressed queer lifters are some of the best people you could know!

I freaking love anatomy. Sorta ties into why I'm so into lifting weights + watching others lift. I am obsessed. We all joke about our shitty our meaty flesh suits are, but have you ever just sat and thought about how intricate they are and how long it took nature to evolve us into such efficient sweating endurance machines despite our other shortcomings? I mean, I hate running (flat feet suck), but the IDEA of how long we can hypothetically go for because of how our bodies work mechanically is mind-blowing. And have you seen how an Olympic lifter utilizes momentum and balance with their incredible strength to lift as much as they do off the ground and above their heads? The breakdown of every single limb's motion and muscle movement is SO beautiful that I can't even... WHEEZE...

I don't consider myself a writer, but I really love writing more than drawing sometimes -- no offense to my art degree that definitely wasn't a waste of time or anything. Something about processing images through words just hits different. A freight train slowly crawl by on the tracks versus a bullet train zipping across its rails; a horse breaking into full sprint; bird beating its wings against the air in very specific patterns; houseplant slowly changing directions as it seeks light. My heart feels so heavy that it's threatening to slip from my ribs down into my stomach in search of an escape from the pressure building inside my skin; I think if it burst, I would see it turn my breath into the same abyssal blue we perceive the ocean to be.

I guess music is another sure way to feel anything, including "happy." Some friends of mine talk about stimming with specific types of music, and I think back to how often I find myself unable to function at all without something playing in my ears. I'm actually prone to sensory overload (high ceilings WHY), so I will always carry around headphones or earbuds with me to help! And really, I'm content to listen to the same tune on repeat for 12-14 hours to stabilize my mood. This fucks with my Spotify statistics in the funniest way. Plus, people are more likely to leave you the fuck alone when you got headphones on, and I like being left alone. (Social misanthropes, rise up.)

My friends make me happy, and I am incredibly blessed to have friends that love me. When they can't support me directly, they walk alongside me so that I can still see their shapes while I traverse the fog. They ask me how I'm doing when I change medications. They tell me my muscles look nice after I've finished a gym session. They watch my OCs turning on the hot dog warmer with me. Some nights, when I'm struggling, I remind myself that I'll be able to talk to them again when I wake up. ♡

[sonicasura]

Personal Headcanons #4

Some more headcanons for you folks but this one is gonna be a bit special. I'll be including an OC and an AU version of a character as well! Enjoy!

Knack

Absolutely shy and skittish in the first two weeks of his creation. It wasn't uncommon for Doctor Vargas or Lucas to find Knack hiding somewhere. A few spots were creative while some... I think the 13 foot fellow made out of relics hiding behind a potted plant is very obvious.

Sporadic copycat. Knack tends to copy certain things he sees from actions to basic body movement. Blinking? Definitely copied despite not needing to. Homing Attack? He saw Lucas play Sonic once and thought it was cool. Knack even mimics the Doc's way of stimming which is tapping his fingers to make a random beat.

Can actually purr funnily enough. Even when he's in his smallest form, 2'6 and mute, Knack somehow able to purr. The only explanation the Doctor could think of is the chest orb is just copying the action via a loud acoustic hum. Still doesn't stop Knack from rumbling like a mini jackhammer as a 32' giant.

He sometimes hates being small. Without the ability to use relics to manipulate his size, Knack is effectively mute and has difficulty pulling down a large lever. Although his 'cute' appearance doesn't scare the crap out of people like a relic behemoth with sharp claws, large teeth paired to a scary mug.

Jim Lake Jr (Half Troll)

Has multiple cases of dysphoria after being transformed. Sometimes Jim thinks he's smaller like as if he was still human. Blinky or Claire had to pull him out whenever he got stuck. In need of food therapy too as Jim keeps trying to eat human food only to make himself sick later.

Sensory overload in the smell and hearing department. Jim tends to get overstimulated so much that sometimes he will just shut down. Claire gotten him some noise cancelling headphones while his troll mentor got a face mask to help with his heightened sense of smell.

Gets the zoomies. Considering he's technically an infant in troll years despite being 16-17 half human, Jim has a LOT more energy to burn. Blinky might've stolen a drone for his half troll student to chase. No one wants to deal with a hyperactive kid on a long ass exodus fron California to New Jersey.

Decides to learn how to make troll food. Jim can't really eat most of the stuff he used to as a human and eating just utensils tends to get stale. Plus he misses being able to eat his own cooking. Blinky got him a lot of cooking books and tries to procure any ingredients he can.

Tikki Cho (OC)

Likes collecting various stuff akin to a tame hoarder. Tikki has an organized stash of various items from books, collectible figures, movies and videogames. Any duplicates are given to children related charities, the local library or friends.

Tikki's love language in general(both platonic and romantic) is physical affection. She likes to hug or nuzzle people if given permission. Even holding hands is enough for her. It's easier to notice Tikki's Angora Rabbit traits as it isn't uncommon for someone's arms to vanish in her fur via hug.

There are often misconceptions when it comes to Tikki's eyes. Some people tend to think she's blind or imagine what her full face looks like. A bias stemmed from how her hair practically covers everything the nose. Tikki politely clears any misconception whether verbally or brush her hair aside to show her green eyes.

Rarely curses. Tikki doesn't swear much as she doesn't care about foul language in general. Is in the 'Will Say Fuck' section cause any big emotional reaction guarantees a curse from her. Rage tends to get the most.

Jim Lake Jr (Beastformer/ Troll or More)

Has accidentally set trees on fire multiple times with his horns. Jim had quite a temper when he was younger which usually led to fire shooting out than smoke. He gotten better since he began living with Barbara but it still happens.

Mischief maker. It isn't uncommon for Jim to prank others in the dead of night. Most of his antics are harmless like burying someone's bird fountain in acorns or a water balloon trap at the door. Although folk he doesn't like will find a bite taken out of their cars and goats in their backyard.

Definitely had to take a bath multiple times cause he got really dirty. Sometimes punk teenagers would dump paint over him in vehicle mode or Jim lands to a big mud puddle in beast mode. Barbara always hoses him down as going through a car wash feels too weird.

You know how a octopus will suddenly punch a fish out of spite? That's Jim right here but it's just a bad habit. In vehicle form, he often opens his car door just for a cyclist to crash into it or punch an unsuspecting troll before hiding his robotic arm. In Beast form he just headbutts people like a goat. Jim lightly tap his horns against Barbara a few times at best and rammed Strickler twice at worst.

And that's it! Until next time folks, I'll see you later!

[unimportantweirdo]

*spinning wildly on a park roundabout* yes i do stim by fucking with my senses why do you ask

[seongsangi]

kiss and tell

pairing: jeno x reader

summary: just how long do you think you can keep your relationship with jeno a secret?

word count: 2k

warnings: fuck buddies, dom jeno, manhandling (bc look at him, how could you not let him throw you around?)

You were invited over to the boys’ place for movie night, but Jeno is hellbent on being a little shit. You haven’t seen them all in a while, giving each of them a hug as you walk in. Jeno’s hands fall a little too low on your backside, grabbing a handful of your ass when no one is looking. You can feel his gaze on you ever since you stepped in, quite literally eye fucking you. His sneaky hands wrap around your waist when you’re the only one in the kitchen, whispering in your ear how good you look tonight. You quickly swat his hands away, looking over his shoulder in case someone saw.

 “What are you doing?” you asked in a hushed tone, his hand smoothing over your thigh. Ever since you started your fuck buddy relationship with him, he’s been pushing it when you’re around the boys, almost like he wants them to know. You’re against it. It’s between you and him, you don’t feel like you owe anyone anything. Your hands grip the counter as he presses closer to you, lifting your leg to hold it against his waist. He leans in close to your neck, pressing soft kisses to your skin. His deep voice sends tingles down your spine, “What, you worried about them? Sorry princess, I can’t help it when you walk in here looking like that.”

Ah, you want to push him away but his lips are making your mind hazy, holding you close enough to feel his bulge on your clothed sex. He presses a few more kisses to your neck, getting lost in your scent. “Jeno, hurry up with the drinks!” Haechan yells from the living room. He pulls away from you without a word, grabbing some soju out of the fridge and giving you a wink before he walks off. Jeno is such a little shit.

 During the movie, you get a text from your friend that makes you jump out of your seat on the couch. “Fucking shit!!” you yell, everyone turning their heads at you for the sudden outburst.

 “What, what’s wrong?” Jaemin is quick to ask.

 “Oh my godddd, I’m screwed.” You turn to look at Jeno, panic settling on your face. He’s concerned now, asking you what happened. “I forgot our exam was due tonight!!”

 The boys let out a sigh of relief, worried that it was something more serious. “This is serious, I literally forgot I had an exam!”

 “How do you forget you have a whole ass exam?” you throw a pillow at Haechan who isn’t helping the situation at all.

 You’re tugging on Jeno’s hand, asking him to please help you cheat since he’s the only one in the same class as you. He gets up from his seat, leading you to his room so you can use his laptop. Ugh, you could kiss him right now.

 The exam is monitored, meaning you have to turn your webcam on, so Jeno stays out of view of the camera but close enough to still see the screen. You know most of the answers, but there are a few Jeno helps out on by quietly whispering so the microphone doesn’t pick it up.

 You finish the exam just in time before it’s due, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Thanks for helping,” you stand up from the desk chair to give him a simple peck, but he’s quick to cup your face in both hands and deepen the kiss. Your hands grab onto his waist, letting his tongue slip into your mouth. Your lips mold together perfectly, getting drunk on the taste of each other. He moves you to sit on the edge of the desk as his hand slides underneath your shirt. He pushes your bra up, kneading your breasts and playing with your nipples.

 “But they’re right outside,” you try to protest but truthfully, the feeling of his hands roaming your body is too good.

 “They won’t know if you just be quiet,” leaving kisses down your neck. He pulls your shirt all the way up, diving into your chest. You brace yourself on one hand as the other grabs Jeno’s hair, pushing your chest further into his mouth. He litters your chest with kisses, sucking on your mounds and licking them until you squirm under his touch. He bites particularly hard, a squeal leaving your lips at the sensation. Jeno soothes his tongue over it, doing it on purpose just to hear your reaction.

 “How can I be quiet if you’re gonna be like that?” you huff, sounding very bratty.

 “Don’t talk to me like that,” Jeno narrows his eyes at you, lifting you off the desk with ease and throwing you on the bed. You let out a squeal, a smile forming on your lips because you love it when he’s rough with you. He grabs your legs, flipping you onto your stomach and lifting your ass up high. He wastes no time in pulling your shorts down to your knees, sliding his fingers along your slit. He loves how wet you get for him, always making a mess on his hand. “All for me, princess?” you bury your head in the sheets, grabbing hold of them as he moves his digits in and out of you, curling them to hit your spot. You’re biting your lips hard, trying not to be loud but finding it hard when he’s working your body so well.

 Jeno takes a mental image of you on your knees for him, head down ass up just the way he likes it. He loves that you’ll let him do whatever he wants to you, knowing you enjoy when he’s in control of your body. He pulls his fingers out of you, taking his sweats off and sliding his tip along your slit, wet enough to slide in with ease.

 He leans down, pressing kisses to your back, lightly grazing your skin with his teeth. His voice is now in your ear, the deep husky sound of his words making you all the more desperate for him. “Want me to fuck you?” Jeno is such a little shit, asking you a question he damn well knows the answer to. You wiggle your hips, asking him nicely because he loves to hear you beg for him. He holds your hips steady, filling you up like he’s done plenty of times before. You gasp, the stretch making you lose your mind no matter how many times he fucks you.

“Oh shit, you’re so big,” you whine quietly. Jeno is watching where your bodies connect, moving in and out of you slowly. “You’re so tight baby,” the grip your walls have on him makes his hips stutter. You have the same effect on him as he does on you, both of you wild for each other.

 “Harder,” you want more of him, arching your back even more.

 He roughly yanks your head up, warm breath fanning your ear. “Say please,” he growls, tightening his grip on your hair.

 “Please please please,” you’re so needy for him to fuck you into the bed. He pushes you back down again, throwing you around like a ragdoll and you love it. He grabs your hands, holding them behind your back and pushing you into the bed to keep your ass high. The arch in your back is deliciously painful, made even better because you know he’s always ready and willing to ruin you.

 Jeno snaps his hips into yours, hitting you so deep it almost hurts. You can’t keep quiet any more, letting a few moans slip from your mouth. He’s pounding into you with such force, your legs are about to give out. He grabs the back of your neck, pushing your face into the mattress. “Shut up, you don’t wanna get caught right?” You whimper at his words, no you don’t want them to hear but how can you control yourself?

 “Or maybe you do. Maybe you want them to know how good I’m fucking you,” you can just hear the grin in his voice. Jeno quickly pulls out, maneuvering your bodies so that you’re now on top. “You want it so bad, do it yourself.” He rests his hands behind his head, staring you down, waiting for your next move.

 You lean down to take him in your mouth, spitting on his dick to get it wet. Keeping your eyes locked on his, you take him as far down your throat as you can, parting his lips in a quiet gasp. The sight of you with your mouth full of him is something he wants to see everyday. You bob your head on him, making sure to use as much tongue as you can. Sitting back up, you straddle his hips and position him at your entrance. Resting your hands on his chest, you sink down on his member, quickly setting a pace with your hips. You clench around him as you bounce on his dick, eliciting a groan from the feeling of your tight walls. He just can’t get enough of you.

 With half-lidded eyes, Jeno watches you use him to get off. Your body on top of his looks absolutely amazing, he could stay like this forever. Your perfect tits are just begging to be sucked, running his hands up your sides and pinching your nipples. He pulls you down, latching onto your breasts. He grabs handfuls of your ass, wishing he could spank you until you’re red with his handprints but that would be too much noise. He sighs, furrowing his brows in pleasure as you clench your walls while moving up and down his length. “If you don’t stop doing that,” he growls against your nipple, earning a sly smile from you.

 Jeno quickly props his feet up on the bed, slamming his hips up into yours and taking control. “Oh fuck!” you yell, the sudden attack catching you off guard. He stops immediately, slapping a hand over your mouth and pulling your face down towards his. “I’m starting to think you really want them to know.” You quickly shake your head no, begging him with your eyes to keep fucking you. “Then shut the fuck up.”

 His hand wraps around your throat, his other hand leaving your hair to hold your waist. You cover your mouth with your hand, muffling the sound of your moans as he finds his pace again, bucking his hips deep into you. “You like it when I fuck you?” his dark eyes stare into yours, squeezing your throat a bit tighter. He’s gonna be the death of you.

 You nod your head as best you can with his hand around your throat. His lips curl into a smirk, which you find so sexy on him. “Yeah, I know you do baby, just look at you.”

 You move your hand away from your mouth, capturing his lips in a kiss to suppress your whines. The stretch of him is blowing your mind and you can’t keep up with his movements. “I’m gonna cum,” you gasp on his lips. He reaches in between your bodies, stimulating your bundle of nerves to help you finish. “Wanna see you cum all over me.” 

 You bury your face in his neck, letting your high wash over you. Jeno slows his hips down, guiding you through it. Your body quivers on top of his, his arms holding you in place. He never fails to make you feel on cloud nine.

 Before you can fully recover, Jeno switches positions again and lays you on your back. “I’m not done yet,” holding your legs wide open as he slides back in, chasing his own release. His hips are relentless, making you cover your mouth again as he uses you like his personal fuck toy. You clench your walls around him, making him bite his lip at how tight you are. A few more thrusts and he pulls out, pumping himself quickly. Without a word, you get on your knees.

 “Cum on my face, pretty please Jeno?” you plead, sticking your tongue out for him.

 “Fuuuck,” he moans, painting your face with his warm load. You wrap your lips around the tip, swirling your tongue around it and swallowing what you can.

 By the time you and Jeno make it back to the living room, the movie is already over.

 “How was the exam?” Jaemin asks.

 “Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” taking your seat on the couch again as Jeno heads to the kitchen.

 An awkward silence follows as Renjun searches for another movie to watch.

 “So, are we just gonna ignore the elephant in the room?” Haechan cocks an eyebrow at you, eyes darting to Jeno’s body in the kitchen and back to you.

 Ah shit, you knew this would happen. “Sorry boys, I don’t kiss and tell.”

[aristwrites]

DSMP Members Reacting to Young Reader with Tourette’s

Let me preface this by saying that I myself have TS, and all tics mentioned are ones I currently have/have had myself.

Tw - Tics, Hate, Mentions of Ableism/Ignorance, SH tics and non-abbreviated words for SH, Very minor blood under Quackity

For those of you who don’t know what Tourette’s syndrome is, it’s a neurological condition where the signals between your brain and body get all fucky causing motor (physical) tics and verbal tics. Tics are the involuntary movements and sounds caused by Tourettes and a large variety of other tic disorders. Key word being involuntary. The most we can control our tics is holding them off for like a minute at most but it’s like holding in a bad cough, it’s hard to do, painful, and it just makes it 10x worse. ALSO we do not tic what we think. When someone insults you as a tic it’s not because we think that about you it’s because our bodies fucking suck.

—————

DreamWasTaken

-I feel like Dream has prior knowledge to tics that came from doing research on stimming, so when you first joined the SMP and he encounter your tics he wouldn’t be bothered by it

-He’d also try to educate people in chat who commented about it before getting angry at them, but still wouldn’t hesitate to defend you

-The first tics he’d experienced were little ‘pew pew pew’ sounds that’d interrupt you when you spoke, and he’d be really patient if you struggled to get out what you were trying to say

GeorgeNotFound

-He would be confused but not like weirded out or anything, he might ask about it and just go “oh ok”

-I feel like the first tic he’d see from you would be something like the classic whistle or the little like twitter notif sounding tic hence the confusion

-“Chat stop being rude, they can’t control it”

-If you got accused of faking there’d be clips everywhere of him just immediately turning to glare at his camera. Full big brother mode man

Sapnap

-He’s surprisingly knowledgeable when it comes to that stuff, mainly because of chat talking about it and him researching it

-He would be the first to see your self harm tics (tics that cause physical harm to the person), one of the chiller ones like kicking the wall

-If you expressed any pain or upset-ness from your tics he would subtly ask if you wanted him to entertain chat for you so you could get away from any possible triggers

-Overall he’s really supportive when it comes to the frustrations that come with a tic disorder and he doesn’t try to empathize with it saying he understands because it’s so damn annoying when people without tics do that istg

BadBoyHalo

-He also doesn’t really know what’s going but sort of assumes you can’t control it and doesn’t ask since you seem a bit embarrassed by it

-You both quickly learned that saying language triggered coprolalia (tics involving swearing, fun face only 10% of people w/ TS have coprolalia including myself) so he starts making up random substitutes if your in the vc

-The first tic he’d noticed is actually one of your most clipped moments, when you were first meeting him someone in his donos said something about harry potter and you yelled, very loudly, “YOUR A MOTHERFUCKIN WIZARD HARRY” and a “Sorry mom!” right after when you realized she was in a meeting

-He’d try to learn certain tic triggers so he could help you avoid them

-Would call an ignorant commenter a “stupid muffin head” for you

Karl Jacobs

-He knows what a tic disorder is and probably knew someone with one growing up or something so he understood immediately

-You two hadn’t even talked before but when someone started making fun of your head jerks he joined the vc just to call them ignorant dog water and now your best friends

-The first tic he encountered was a simple, very loud, “HA” which scared the shit out of him at first but as soon as you got embarrassed and apologized he told you it wasn’t your fault and to not worry about it

Quackity

-He would’ve been very confused but didn’t really say anything and looked it up afterwards to educate himself

-He also encountered a self harm tic first, clawing at your face every 30 seconds or so until it was all marked up, even bleeding in a few spots, and he honestly panicked not knowing how to help you and trying to find a way to distract you

-He’d get very serious if someone made you feel bad about it and lecture them before calling them some not so nice names and banning them

Jschlatt

-He’d make a joke about it but when he realized you couldn’t control it he’d message you an apology

-He first witnessed the classic ugly facial contortion tics which are the ones he cracked jokes about

-If twitter tried to cancel you because of offensive tics, maybe you insulted someone or even a slur he’d be the first to defend you and would immediately check in on you to make sure the hate isn’t getting to you to bad

-You picked up a variety of tics from his fragrance man bits

WilburSoot

-Another person who was pretty well educated on the topic, from of a mix of chat telling him about it and him doing his own research

-If you were one of the people who’s tics would calm down when listening to music, he would absolutely play for you all the time and you start to call him during tic attacks sometimes

-First tic would be one of those complex whistling or humming tics where you get through an entire part of a song

Philza Minecraft

-He would have a general idea of what it was but would ask some questions about it, he would also be very careful about not being insensitive about anything

-Becomes one of your main mods after you receive a dono calling you a freak, and he will not hesitate to ban or time out your chat

-The first tic he witnesses is the full body shudder, and arm shakes

-You develop “Dadza!” and “Crow father! Crow father!” as verbal tics

Technoblade

-Fully knowledgeable, having know a person or two with tics in his life

-The first tic would be another self harm one, specifically hitting your chest really hard with your fist (i have so many bruises from this man :/) during a vc planning some lore together, and when you get frustrated over it he would start rambling about mythology and the potato wars and stuff to try and distract you

-Whenever twitter gets bad he goes big brother mode on them and will comfort you very akwardly

TommyInnit

-Someone mentioned you had TS to him before you met and he did a shit ton of research before meeting you

-The first time you met him was off camera in vc and you started gasping as a tic, he was very patient when it interrupted your speaking and made sure you were ok and getting enough oxygen

-Has cussed your chat out on several occasions

-He was the first person you opened up to about the bullying you experience/d at school and even at home with your siblings who don’t fully understand and he ordered food to your house and watched a movie with you over discord after a pep talk

Ranboo

-Knows the basics but is very curious and asks lots of questions about how the disorder actually works like body wise

-First experiences verbal mirroring tics (repeating others and copying what they do and say), turned it into a bit when he noticed a bit of embarrassment

alright y’all i’m tired so i’m just gonna leave it here for now, i’ll edit it later and add more people and stuff

[dragonfisharts]

Headcanon Time!

-peter is really into vestibular stimming

-like REALLY into it. Always has been.

- he loves jumping on his bed and spinning in circles

-and spider-manning is sensory heaven

-but after he started spider-man it started taking more and more input to get the Good Stim going

-he LOVES web swinging and usually vocal stims by whooping and shouting while he does it

-sometimes he makes little trampolines out of his webs to bounce on

-when he feels stressed out at school where he can’t do big stims he’ll sometimes shake his head around to feel better

-Tony catches him doing it in the lab one day and peter explains about vestibular stimming

-and Tony’s like THERES A NAME FOR THAT?? I DO THAT

-and so months later after a particularly tough exam week he decides to take peter, may, and pepper to Disney world to ride roller coasters

-he quickly realizes Peter had a MUCH higher threshold for this than he does. He gets no thrill from riding roller coasters like Tony and the others do, he just feels At Peace

-it hits him all at once when they go to ride the teacups. (Pepper and may stay behind, they don’t like spinning.)

- after years of Iron Man Tony really doesn’t think he’s sensitive to spinning. At all.

-but then they get on the ride and peter just CRANKS it

-they’re spinning full speed for the entire ride. (Pepper is giggling helplessly from the sidelines at the absolute shock on Tony’s face)

-the ride finally stops and Tony is stumbling and dizzy, vaguely motion sick

- and peter just looks completely Blissed The Fuck Out

-(which is honestly pretty ironic because the kid has a not great track record for getting carsick and airsick)

- they go to space mountain next and peter doesn’t love the flashing lights but the movement of the ride is delightful

-they end up going back to the teacups before they leave

-Tony doesn’t really like the teacups, he’s decided, but he acts enthusiastic because all the tension has left peter’s body and his face is all unadulterated joy

-they decided they’ll go to Disney whenever they have time to vacation

- and peter, bless him, is none the wiser that Tony doesn’t actually enjoy the teacups

[nepenthendline]

S/O changing stims after being told they were annoying - Tendou, Sugawara and Iwaizumi

I love doing these types! I hope you enjoy! And thank you, take care of yourself too 💕

Request for @e-wwis​: haiii! I really enjoyed your ND headcanons, so may I request headcanons (or any form you’d like!) of Tendou, Suga, and Iwaizumi noticing their s/o starts stimming by squeezing/pinching themselves with their nails after someone tells them their stims are annoying? thanks you for your hard work~ and don’t forget to take care of yourself :D !!

Tendou:

Tendou is fascinated watching all your different stims, to be honest, he finds it quite cute when you start happy stimming, and he quickly learned the difference between happy stims, stressed stims, sad stims etc

He can read you so easily, so he knows instantly when he sees the change in your stims, especially since you’re hurting yourself

When he catches you pinching yourself in what is usually a situation you stim often, he’s extremely concerned 

Instantly, he grabs your hand, holding it tightly in his so you can’t full away - not so tight that you feel restricted but tight enough to comfort you

“Why’s my princess doing that? Hmm?” He says in a somewhat light-hearted tone, he’s worried but he doesn’t what you to feel you’re burdening him

If you try and tell him nothing’s wrong, he’ll squint at you, giving you the look that says he knows you’re lying

He’ll massage your hands between his, rubbing his thumbs into your skin to relax you a little

When you told him that someone called you stims weird, so you tried to change them and stop yourself, he was so hurt

His eyes widened and his lips drooped, how could someone think those little actions you did, that made you who you are, were weird?

Unfortunately he knew there were many who probably would, but he couldn’t imagine a day going by where he didn’t get to see those stims

“Weird? People say I’m weird too,” he mentioned, matter of fact

“You’re not weird Satori,” you defended him, exactly what he was looking for

“And so you’re not weird either. I think you look cute when you’re stimming; don’t take my cutie away, ok?” 

Sugawara:

After being with you for a little while, Sugawara did some research on stims and you also explained a lot to him, so he often looks out of changes in your behaviour to understand you feelings

He’s quite good at understanding the difference between your stims, and enjoys learning about these different parts of you

It helps him communicate with you better too, since he can watch your body language or movements and then decide how to approach you

He notices you squeezing your skin with your nails, and it doesn’t occur to him that it was a stim, but he knew this wasn’t normal behaviour for you and it could be harmful

He slowly takes your hands, holding them in his as to not startle you

“Hey angel, careful not to hurt yourself. What’s on your mind?” 

When you turn your head away and tell him how people found your stims annoying, he pulled you into his arms and stroked your back

“I’m sorry they said that, but that’s not annoying at all. Some people are just closed-minded and only think of themselves, but don’t change for them, ok? You’re perfect the way you are,” he tells you

Pulling away, he gives you a sweet smile, holding your hands back in his

“It’ll make me sad if you get hurt, so let’s work on that together”

Iwaizumi:

Iwaizumi is an extremely open-minded and patient guy, and he’s always helped you through your stims in more negative situations

If things get to bad or big, he’s been there to calm you down and hold you, as well as try and stimulate you in other ways, such as rubbing your skin or doing exercise activities with you

It takes him a little to notice the difference in your stims, and how they relate to how you’re feeling, but he manages to get a general jist of it

When you two were sitting down at school, he noticed how you were digging your nails into your hands

He didn’t know this was a stim at all, but he knew it couldn’t be good

He called your name to catch your attention, briefly stopping you from your actions

Looking between your face and your hands, his face scrunched up

“Can I ask why you’re doing that?” His tone was calm and gentle, making you feel at ease to talk to him

You told him how others found your usual stims annoying, and this was how you were trying to stop them

He let out a sigh, then spoke

“Who the hell told you that?” You could tell he was angry from his tight jaw but he was trying to hold back

After a little promoting, you told him how it was some people in your class, watching how his teeth gritted together

He quickly swiped your hand in his, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss on the bad

“Don’t you dare change for shitty people like that, you’re better than them in every way, so don’t you start trying to fit in with them,” he stated, looking ahead oh him

Later on when you weren’t around, he paid your classmates a little visit, telling them to stay the hell away from you while flexing his muscular arms to scare them a little more

[creativitycoach]

What does it mean to be creative? How can a Creativity Coach help me with my life?

Creativity comes in many forms. It is natural for some and work in progress for others. Some people feel stuck, because they have not been creative to push themselves to their full potentials. Being creative can facilitate a better understanding of self as well as emotional intelligence of others. Below are various forms of creativity.

1. Thinking

Creative thinking involves critical and analytical thinking to dissect what is seen and uncover what is unseen. Life is a big bowl of variables - independent, dependent, confounding, extraneous. Some people can only see the obvious. Deeper level thinking is natural for a small percentage of individuals. Training the brain to see beyond the obvious takes time. An example between the two would be students. When asked questions, some students simply regurgitate what they have read or heard. Other students demonstrate their understanding of the concept by using real world applications to current scenarios. The latter is creativity of thinking.

2. Dance

Sometimes we allow sound frequencies to reverberate throughout our bodies, and we find ourselves moving. Dancing and movement can be considered forms of creativity. Autists and individuals with ADHD engage in stimming - repetitive movements, actions, sounds, behavior. Dancing could be similar to stimming. When one is frustrated, one may not want to scream. Rather, one may simply prefer to move voluntarily or involuntarily. Even if you feel as if you are merely flailing, it is still a creative outlet, and your “flailing” pattern is unique to you. It allows you to expend excess energy, thus, become more calm.

3. Sound and Music

Perhaps to calm yourself, you find yourself humming, tapping, making noises with objects, your appendages, your body, or singing. The sounds you make may be considered forms of music even if the sounds have no discernible rhythm or pattern. Expressing yourself in this matter may feel calming, so why not try it.

4. Words

This method of creativity may include short or long stories, poetry, lyrics, etc., and it may be written or spoken. To understand deeper meanings of incidents or events, it helps to speak of the event out loud to hear yourself process it and discern fact versus fantasy. Autists and those with ADHD may fixate on specific words or phrases and repeat them until they are bored or calm. One weekend, I repeatedly said “kumquat” similar to substituting the eff word for three days. There are times I may stim inappropriate words, and I may even have to say them loudly. Words are powerful. They can help or harm. If certain words are harmful, remove the power of those words, so those words no longer affect you. Become ambivalent to words. The b word has negative connotations; however, when you destigmatize the word to the point of indifference, it will no longer affect you. This graphic was found in Cricut Design Space.

5. Sculpting, Building, Designing

Sculpting, building, designing things can be calming, meditative and freeing. Do not worry about being perfect. The end result is to express yourself. If your clay elephant appears to be a lump, it does not matter. You have used your negative energy in a productive way to allow your feelings and creativity flow.

6. Sewing, Crocheting, Knitting, Embroidery, Fabric and Thread Work

Perhaps making your own clothes, quilts, scarves, or anything, involving fabric or threads are the way you express yourself and/or find calming.

7. Drawing, Painting, Photography

Visual arts have been expressive since before the hieroglyphs of ancient Egypt, or Chinese characters. Those symbols were methods of communication. One need not have formal training or skill to draw, paint, or photograph. Getting the images out of your head, employing any of those methods can help you convey what is difficult to describe. As the saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” use your unspoken words.

8. Crafting

Crafting may be expensive unless you know how to recycle materials. It is a great way to express yourself while creating gifts for yourself or others. These French Bulldog graphics were found on Cricut Design Space and cut with Cricut Joy.

9. Makeup

Some of us express how we feel by the way we apply our makeup at the time.

A Creativity Coach can help you identify which methods with which you are most comfortable expressing yourself. A great coach thinks out of the box to help you see that which is unseen. No matter which method of creativity you utilize, remember it is for you, and it does not have to be perfect. There is beauty in imperfection, and imperfections remind us we are human.

[theflannelwizard]

Miss Simian teaches the Special Accommodations class

First off, I would like to say that I am neurodivergent, and most of these headcanons are based off my own experiences. If I do accidentally phrase something in a way that offends you, please let me know so I can fix it! Thanks to @onceuponymous to chatting with me about this before I posted it! I will also say that TAWOG is my current hyper fixation, so this might end up being a rather long post! I’ll try to use bold and italics so my fellow neurodivergent fans have an easier time reading it if they want to :)

I think Miss Simian’s class is full of the neurodivergent kids in Elmore Jr. High. This would explain why Darwin and Gumball are in the same class, despite being two years apart in age, and why they are so blind to the rest of the school. They have their routine and their class, and they are purposefully on a separate schedule than the other students. This would also explain why Gumball and Darwin are so frequently sent to the guidance counselor for their outbursts instead of to the principal.

Almost all if not all of the students in her class exhibit common symptoms of neurodivergence, including (but not limited to) having trouble communicating, hyper fixating or having special interests, masking or feeling like the world won't like, understand, or accept them if they don’t put on a persona, fidgeting or stimming, having trouble with focus, expressing emotion intensely or in unique ways, and either adhering to a strict schedule or behaving impulsively.

Let’s start with trouble communicating. This is an obvious and easy one- almost none of Gumball’s classmates communicate in a neurotypical fashion. Juke and William have extreme trouble communicating verbally, and although Juke realizes this, he keeps trying but is unable to “switch” himself to an easily understood language. William doesn’t even realize he is unheard until Gumball declares he is silent.  Banana Joe, Bobert, Sussie, and Jamie all speak in special dialects or patterns that are understandable but set them apart from what would be considered “normal.” Jamie’s is the least obvious, but I would argue that her reliance on threats, often delivered using the same formula, is a unique speech pattern that could have developed in part due to her parentage/home life and in part due to trouble communicating. Gumball has no problem with speaking in an understandable way, but he does have trouble expressing his emotions- he either locks them down or goes over the top with grand declarations and gestures. Likewise, Darwin is able to express himself rather clearly, but he canonically has trouble “learning facial expressions” and is often blind to sarcasm and manipulation, as are many of his classmates. Some students are on the end of the spectrum where they may not have trouble speaking, but they do have trouble reading social cues. For example, Molly is eager to talk to her friends, but can’t always tell whether they are engaged with her stories and doesn’t know when to stop talking. Sarah doesn’t have a clear understanding of boundaries, and neither do Tobias, Sussie, Banana Joe, Teri, Tina, Clayton, Ocho, Gumball, or Alan (despite having good intentions, he often fails to set boundaries for himself, and that’s just as important to notice as those who intrude or don’t understand boundaries for others). In fact, I would argue the entire class has, at some point, shown that they have trouble setting or anticipating healthy boundaries. Once boundaries have been clearly set, they usually are able and willing to respect them, but they can’t always tell on their own what another person is okay with.

Now for hyper fixations and special interests. I would say Teri is one of the most obvious here, with her extensive knowledge of germs and cleanliness. She’s more than just a germaphobe, she has studied hygiene and is obsessive to a point of rarely talking about anything else. Alan could likely be fixated on activism or the general concept of goodness, working overtime to make himself into the most helpful and positive person he can be. Sarah’s fangirl persona goes hand in hand with a fixation on comics, anime, and/or manga. I would even say Carrie’s intense dedication to goth/emo culture could be considered a special interest, and Leslie has a similar relationship to fashion, beauty, and the (heavily coded) LGBT community. Tobias’ obsession with video games has canonically gotten so intense that he neglected basic needs such as sleep- a classic example of hyper fixation. 

As far as masking and persona goes, many of the points I’m about to make could be seen as simple stereotyping to make the characters distinct. I choose to interpret it differently. Gumball, Penny, Tobias, Carrie, Masami, Tina, Clayton, and Ocho have all had arcs or significant moments where they were either revealed to have interests or personality traits that were in direct contrast with their outward persona or revealed to think people wouldn’t like “the real them” as much as the act they put on. For example, Penny was terrified to come out of her shell, Tina doesn’t intend to be a bully but comes off as one due to her menacing mask (for self protection, perhaps, so she doesn’t get bullied herself?), and Ocho admits he has trust issues due to being used for his uncles and not respected unless he puts on an intense and aggressive front. Other students build their identities around a single aspect of themself, either something that they find important or something that they expect will be liked or respected. Tobias, Leslie, Carrie, Alan, Jamie, Tina, Idaho, Sarah, Bobert, Banana Joe, and Masami fall easily into stereotypes and seem to be glad to do so. Clayton goes so far as to commit identity theft simply so no one will see his true self and dislike him. Clayton’s compulsive lying is also a symptom of ADHD.

I’m not going to write a whole paragraph on fidgeting/stimming and focus, because I don’t think there’s too much to analyze or dissect there, but if you go back and watch any episode, you’ll likely notice that many of the characters are easily distracted and/or have unique body movements, postures, or phrases that they tend to repeat. I also think impulsivity and routine is so important to the plot that it doesn’t need to be discussed, but was worth a brief mention.

Let’s talk about emotions! Gumball has the classic neurodivergent experience of either bottling up his emotions with no idea how to express them or going over the top with grand declarations and gestures. He feels things very intensely, as shown by his often dramatic reactions, but isn’t always sure how to process or express them. Darwin is always on one extreme of that scale, with no filter as to how he expresses and feels things. He is unafraid to cry in public, declare that something makes him feel good or bad, or say very bluntly what needs to be done to make him feel better (eg declaring he responds well to positive reinforcement- that sounds like therapist or guidance counselor language to me! Good job, Darwin! I wish I was as clear as you!). Likewise, Penny is prone to meltdowns after she breaks out of her shell, and she is so intensely emotional that she messes up her (likely well-rehearsed) cheer tryout due to being rejected by Gumball, and her physical form changes based on emotion. Banana Joe, Carrie, Masami, Sarah, arguably Anton, Carmen, Teri, Tina, Hector, and Sussie also express their intense emotions in big and obvious ways. Some examples include Masami’s meltdown in The Storm, Teri’s tendency to faint or cry, Carmen’s outburst (possibly a meltdown or breakdown) at her old school, and Tina’s tendency to use violence and anger as a first response when upset, even in “small” ways. (Note- I put small in quotes because something like being told it’s a waste of time to get piano lessons might not feel small to her, and could indeed warrant chasing and attacking Gumball.) On the other side of the scale, we have characters like Alan, Idaho, Bobert, Molly, Leslie, and Hector (again, as he behaves differently with or without his music box), who are capable of being dramatic or expressing emotion, but won’t acknowledge their feelings directly and might even be perceived as not having (many) emotions. For instance, Bobert is often referred to as not having emotions or not being a real person, a harmful stereotype against autistic folks, which is increased by the fact that he is a robot, which autistic folks are sometimes unfairly compared to. Alan is seemingly incapable of feeling negative emotions, to the point where his loss of hope wrecks Elmore, implying that he has a mental or emotional block from feeling and expressing these emotions. Molly references her “special dark place,” implying that she does get emotionally or sensorially overwhelmed, but has no way to express her needs (or lacks the confidence to do so) and would rather remove herself from a situation. Leslie is the most dramatic of the characters with emotional blocks or low emotional expression, but I would argue that since he never openly owns or discusses his emotions, (verbally or otherwise,) and instead turns to petty drama or denial, he also belongs in this category.

TL;DR: Most if not all of Miss Simian’s students exhibit classic symptoms of neurodivergence, be it autism, adhd, or both. Hopefully the many (x character) has (x diagnosis) posts I’ve seen floating around can supplement this theory! And of course, if you don’t buy this interpretation or just don’t like it, you don’t have to agree with me! But I think the idea of TAWOG having a majority neurodivergent cast is comforting, fun, and canon-compliant. :)

[perplexingluciddreams]

hii

was wondering, do you feel as if your autism has “gotten worse” (for lack of better words)?? maybe since you were diagnosed vs now?? have other people ever said you were exaggerating or faking it because of that?? my psychologist said that autism never gets “worse”(and much more) but what about regression and stuff….? do you know anyone else who has became nonspeaking or semispeaking having before had more speech ability

apparently

aac has been denied for me because they say it will discourage me from talking and that for me to try talking more…sooo….

did/do you ever feel like you are exaggerating or faking it ? (not saying you are :) )

hopefully that makes sense, if any of the questions are to personal no pressure to answer

-🍋

Hello, nice to hear from you again. “Worse” is not the word I would use, but I understand what you are asking.

My autism definitely affects me more visibly, and my outward behaviour probably looks/sounds quite different. But to be honest, my brain feels the exact same on the inside. I just feel as if the main thing that is different is my lack of speech and not being able to mask. The only reason I was overestimated SO MUCH as a child, is because of my extensive scripting and echolalia (which I wasn’t even in control of at all). The words that came out of my mouth were often copied from an adult that I overheard or had a conversation with, and while those words rarely reflected my own thoughts and opinions, the words my mouth was saying were quite “grown-up” and made me seem more mature.

The only thing that I actually do differently (out of the things that are under my control) is not suppress stimming at all. Which is partly because I’m not able to anymore, and partly because I’m aware now that no matter what I do I will always be visibly autistic and there’s not any point in making myself uncomfortable in the process of trying to hide it, because I just can’t hide it. (As a kid I wasn’t aware of how obviously different I was because I had little to no awareness of how other perceived me).

I don’t think a lot has changed specifically since my diagnosis to now. That’s only about 2-3 years. And a lot of the things that changed for me happened very gradually over a loooong period of time.

Nobody has ever said to me that I might be faking or exaggerating. I’m sorry if anyone has said that to you. It is true that autism doesn’t get “worse” on it’s own, but I also wouldn’t say that my experience of autism now is any “worse” than anyone else’s. I was just as autistic when I was semispeaking as now, when I’m nonspeaking (and have a bunch more physical motor issues- which by the way are not “new” I just experience them differently now, before it was more to do with inhibition and not being able to stop my body/mouth from doing/saying things, now it’s more to do with initiation of movement and getting “stuck” or “frozen”).

Regression is a very complicated topic and I honestly can’t say I understand much about why it happens or how. I only know my own experience. I would guess that it is much more common to happen in older autistic people than you might think- it seems to be often only talked about in people who had a big and obvious regression in their toddler years, because that’s often what leads to a diagnosis for those people. And lots of nonspeakers had some speech before age 2 or 3, and then lost it, for example. I just think it doesn’t get talked about or researched in older people (or if it does it’s either contributed to another condition or reason, or it’s only in the context of someone who has experienced several regressions throughout their life). I can’t say I personally know anyone else who has lost their speech in the same way that I have, but I don’t doubt there are others out there.

I imagine that there are not a lot on social media (there doesn’t seem to be loads of nonspeakers full stop) - I find it so difficult to access and make posts, etc. already, I feel like I’m struggling to push up a hill (metaphorically) every time I come on here and take the time to type out a long post like this letter by letter. My body rarely does anything I want and being able to do this online feels like breaking through a barrier that’s been holding me back all my life. The only downside is that every time I press post, I’ve basically ran out of any motor control that I have over my body for the rest of that day. So writing posts like these is both a race against time, and a daring act that will cost me more of my freedom for the rest of the day/week.

I’m truly very sorry from the bottom of my heart that you have been denied AAC. I did have my therapist say (the first time I really brought speech up to her- when I was really losing speech and spending the only words I had left on those therapy sessions) that she didn’t want me to stop speaking, because speech is a valuable tool in life and she didn’t want it to be more difficult for me. I talked about it with my mum later on and she helped me write an email explaining what I was trying to say originally, but more eloquently and with more detailed explanation. She understood and the last few therapy appointments I had with her I just typed in the chat on Skype and used some basic BSL (British sign language) to communicate. After I sent that email she really seemed to understand better. I’m again really sorry that you’re having to struggle so much with a lack of access to communication.

I don’t ever feel like I’m exaggerating or faking, no. I have had moments of imposter syndrome and anxiety and so on, but that was not actually me thinking “what if I’m making all this up?” it was just my brain not knowing how to react or how to cope with all the change and the emotions that come along with that. Also those sorts of thoughts only usually come up for me when I’m having a meltdown (or about to have one) and it’s only because my brain is going into overdrive and just throwing everything at me all at once. I never sincerely think those things though.

I hope this helped, nice to hear from you again friend :)

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Can we pleaaaaaase have some chris freakout and kauri looking after him? Like maybe the first time chris ever really has a meltdown near kauri and kauri helps him or just freaks out himself just ahhhh i love these two

CW: Description of gunshot, PTSD flashback to parental death, meltdown, panic attack, some references to conditioning/pet whump, negative stimming

It’s just some asshole kids playing with fireworks, that’s all. That’s all it is, and Kauri would have been more careful, but he hadn’t known there was anything he needed to be careful for. 

He’s sitting on the grass at a park sending Jake texts to distract him from studying, playing a game they do sometimes where they tell a story with emojis alone and then the other one records a voice-text trying to guess what the story is, and then the other one says how much they got right. 

He brought Chris here because he discovered this park has a whole wood-and-metal adult playground, with uneven bars like the ones in the videos of gymnasts Chris watches on Jake’s laptop sometimes, plus a climbing wall and all kinds of things.

Chris is swinging back and forth with an easy sort of confidence, smiling to himself and occasionally checking to see if Kauri is looking as he swings himself up and over the bar, seems to hang in the air for a second despite the pull of gravity, and then back down again.

Like a pendulum, Chris swings for momentum, and then he lets go and catches the next bar, laughing, throwing his boundless, endless energy into the movements his body knows even though his brain doesn’t, and Kauri takes a second to watch him switch directions and swing back up onto the higher bar, throwing himself full-throttle, and he’ll come home scraped up and probably bruised and Kauri will have to explain to Nat that it’s impossible to want to stop him when he’s like this, all his soft nervousness shed in the pursuit of something that makes him - simply, and uncomplicatedly - happy.

Especially when he’d started out so sad.

In the parking lot nearby, a bunch of teenagers not much younger than Chris have been fucking around with fireworks the whole time. Boys with knobby elbows and an awkward self-consciousness bragging about who does the stupidest things, girls with long legs and braces laughing together, shining hair mixing in red and brown and blond as they lean into each other. 

Chris looked at them, when they first showed up, eight people stuffed into somebody’s two-door sports car climbing out like clowns at a circus, and Kauri saw the look on his face and knew it for what it was, the longing for a life he can’t get back.

He’s just a kid, and these are just kids, but there’s an ocean between them that Chris can’t overcome.

Even though he looks like them, has the same awkward gait, the same way of hunching his shoulders as if trying to be invisible, the same heavy, woe-is-me sighs and eye-rolls when he feels safe enough to push back at Nat and Jake like any other kid would... even though he looks like them, he isn’t them. 

He’s a teenager, and he has more in common with Kauri than he does anyone else. He and Kauri have a shared wealth of pain, and all he has in common with those kids now is that, once upon a time, he might have been like them.

But he wants to be like them still, it was written all over his face. 

Kauri hadn’t said anything. He’s not-... he’s not good at that, at bringing Chris out of himself. He’s not Jake, who Chris will rip himself open for, let out all his thoughts and let Jake rearrange the jumbled parts.

He’s not Nat, who can simply sense Chris’s need for a mother and give him one.

He’s not even Antoni, who can show his care somehow in simply the depth of feeling in his slightly narrowed eyes, the well of emotion he keeps there, that he doesn’t have to speak to show. 

He’s just Kauri.

He’s just here.

So he just let Chris have his moment, watched the wistfulness work itself across his expression, his soft slight rocking, listened to his low quiet hum. 

Kauri watched Chris make himself be silent, and go still, until the desire to fit in passed. He should have had an answer, some ready-made platitude or piece of comfort, but he didn’t. 

After a moment - two moments - three... Chris turned and went to the exercise equipment. It had taken a while, but he lost himself, eventually, in the movement, the swing of his body from one space to another, the strain of muscles pushed to their limits in ways he still loves.

Kauri watched him forget, after a while, and find happiness in what his body could do instead of what his brain can’t.

The kids had brought out fireworks from the trunk of the car, and Chris’s climb up a fake rock wall had a soundtrack of hissing and fizzing and pops. 

They must have pulled out the big stuff, eventually. 

Kauri’s lost in grinning as he looks at a return text from Jake when there’s suddenly a sharp, deafening crack in the air that makes Kauri jump nearly three feet, scrambling onto his feet out of sheer surprise.

He doesn’t hear the thump as Chris, mid-swing from one bar to another, tenses, misses the catch, and hits the ground flat on his back.

The teenagers cheer, clapping each other on the back, yelling fuck yeah do it again, and as Kauri catches his breath a second one goes off, a third, a fourth. They’re too close together, and there are people yelling at them to cut that shit out.

The kids laugh and shout and flip off the adults telling them to stop, emboldened by the adrenaline rush, by the sheer number of them, by the way a few other people are cheering happily, too.

Kauri’s heart races for reasons he can’t fathom and he snaps, “What the fuck, at least warn us, you little shits!”

“Fuck off!” A boy yells back, but he’s not the one who catches Kauri’s eye. One of the girls off to the side isn’t smiling anymore, but staring outright behind Kauri, eyes widening, and it’s not at the fireworks.

Another one goes off, the crack making Kauri’s ears ring all over again, but this time he hears the sound of a high-pitched cry of fear behind him and recognizes the voice.

Chris.

“Oh, shit,” The girl says, and it’s her voice that kills the sharp laughter of the boys, who look even as Kauri turns to see for himself. 

Chris, lying on his back on the ground, gasps for air that he can’t pull into his lungs, his hands up to his throat as if clawing at-

At his collar-

Kauri isn’t anything big - he’s not Jake, the hero who can hold off the terror of the light with the sheer size of his body, who will come home with a black eye and a broken rib and carry Chris up the stairs anyway. He’s not Nat with her hugs and blankets and ready dark spaces. He’s not Antoni, he’s not Leila he’s not Krista he’s not anything but Kauri, who can’t do anything, who breaks all his promises who can’t be trusted to be where he says he’ll be who isn’t a good person who isn’t trained for this-

Nobody is trained for this, Kauri hears Nat say inside his mind. She wasn’t talking about Chris, then, but-

Nobody has a map for how to walk out of hell, Kauri. But you’ve still got your compass. Go north.

He runs for Chris even as he hears other people start to notice, as Chris finally pulls in air and rolls onto his stomach, curling into a ball, hands over his head, as the first croaking breaths become louder and louder moans, rocking back and forth on the ground.

On more of the fireworks goes off and Chris screams, clapping his hands over his ears.

“Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit-” One of the teenagers says from behind Kauri, but he doesn’t even bother to tell them to go fuck themselves, he just drops to his knees next to Chris and puts a hand to his back. “Oh shit somebody’s gonna call the cops, what’s the fuck is wrong with-”

“I don’t know!”

“‘m sorry, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t, I moved, I, I, I I I-I, I moved, I moved, moved, shouldn’t move, no, no no no, no, no, no...” Chris’s voice is barely his own, it’s higher and lower at once, alternating between crying and the low moans, and he shudders at Kauri’s hand but doesn’t pull away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, I’m, I’m I’m-I’m, I didn’t-”

“It’s okay, Chris,” Kauri whispers, but Chris doesn’t seem to hear him or react. The back of his shirt is layered with dirt over the black fabric, and it comes off on Kauri’s hand as he rubs frantic circles there, not knowing what to do, how to pull him out of himself. “You’re all right, nothing to be sorry for, come on, let’s, let’s get up-”

“Hey, is he, uh, he gonna be okay?” One of the teenagers has nervously edged up next to him, a boy with scraped up knees and long stringy hair. “We didn’t-... we were just screwin’ around, we didn’t think-”

“No, you sure fucking didn’t think, did you?” Kauri snaps, and the boy flinches back from the violent anger in his voice. Kauri doesn’t do angry, he’s scared of angry, but it bubbles up inside of him and he can’t stop it. “Did you think for a fucking second that you’re not the only assholes in the world? Huh?”

“Woah, um, we’re-... we’re sorry, dude, but-”

Chris groans and bangs his head into the ground, smacking his hands palms-down into the earth beneath him, wailing and Kauri has never heard him sound like this before. The words he was stammering before have somehow devolved entirely into the sounds, and Kauri’s heart pounds as he watches Chris pull so far into himself in fear that he has no idea how to get him out.

“Is he-... is he okay, or-”

“Does he fucking look okay?!” Kauri’s voice is so loud he’s suddenly scared of himself, and fights the urge to soothe, calm, appease, apologize, moving to get ahold of Chris’s hands as he pulls at his hair, holding them tightly, feeling the way Chris’s hands shake under his grip, trembling long fingers.

“Sorry,” The kid mumbles, and backs away to his friends, but one of the girls hasn’t run but come closer, and Kauri looks up to see there are people staring at them, men and women watching them, and Kauri-

He should run.

He should leave Chris here and run, this is a risk, people might call the cops, the cops might unclip his bracelet, he might get turned in. He should leave Chris here and call Jake to come get him and hide, and get away, and keep himself safe, and-

He tightens his grip on Chris’s hands and fights his own rising panic as hard as he can.

“Can I-... can I do anything to help?” The girl asks, leaning over with his hands on her knees, watching them. “To help him?”

“I don’t-... I don’t know,” Kauri answers, helplessly. “He’s never done this with me before. I don’t know what to do.” 

Chris rocks back and forth, not pulling away from Kauri’s grip, and looks up. His forehead is smeared with dirt from banging his head on the ground and his eyes are full of tears and fear and guilt. “No,” He moans, closing them again, tears cutting tracks through the dust and dirt on his cheeks. “No, no, no... no, no... no, no, no...”

“I’ll... I’ll get-... I’ll get a damp cloth or something,” The girl says, hesitantly. Her friends are loading back into the car in a hurry, and they call out to her but she ignores them, her own jaw set, running for some public bathrooms a hundred feet away and pulling her hoodie off as she goes.

The car full of kids pulls out, all but spinning their tires in their hurry to escape the consequences. But two others have stayed, one boy and one girl, and they move to Kauri’s side, too.

A man and woman who were walking their dog come over as well, and Kauri feels them pressing in on all sides, closing off his avenues of escape. He could still run. He could still go. He can still leave-

But he can’t leave Chris.

“The sound of the fireworks did that?” The man with the dog on a leash asks, and Kauri nods, not trusting himself to speak, letting go of Chris so he can take his face in his hands, and Chris looks at him but doesn’t see him. 

He’s not Jake. He’s not Nat. He can’t do this. He doesn’t know how to help anyone else, he can barely take care of himself, he doesn’t know anything and he’s the stupidest fucking person Chris could ever need help from-

You have to stop letting his voice sound like yours, Kauri.

“Chr-... Chris,” Kauri manages, his voice trembling. Anyone could call the cops of them, anyone could suspect. His body screams at him to run, to get away, to leave Chris, to go to find somewhere new to find somewhere safe to hide. It takes everything he has to stay right where he is, rubbing Chris’s cheekbones with his thumbs. “Chris, can you hear me?”

Chris, eyes still closed, leans into the touch of his hands, and it’s not an answer, but Kauri has to hope he’s trying. 

“Okay. We-... we need to get out of here, Chris, okay? I need-... I need to get out of here.”

No, this isn’t what will make Chris feel better. He can’t do this.

He has to do this.

“You’re okay. Um, um, can you-... can you open your eyes and look at me?”

There’s a long pause, and Chris’s coppery eyelashes rise, wide green eyes stare past Kauri with terror and only slowly seem to focus on him. “I’m, I’m so sorry,” He whispers, lips pulling back from his teeth, face reddened and dirty. “’m so, so, so so so so, so, so-... so, so sorry, so, so sorry-”

“Sssshhhhh, it’s okay. You’re all right. It was just some fireworks, it’s okay.” The girl reappears with the sleeve of her hoodie soaked with water from the water fountains, and Kauri takes it when she holds it out with a faint smile and uses the sleeve to wipe the dirt from Chris’s face, to cool the flush of his skin. “I know you’re scared. I’m going to call someone to come get us, all right?”

“No, no, no, no-no, no, no one’s, no one’s c-coming,” Chris whispers, whimpers really, and he moves forward to collapse against Kauri, rocking into him, burying his head into Kauri’s shoulder, the crook of his neck. “I, I, I waited all, all, all-all night, no one’s coming, no one, no one’s c-coming, nobody, no one, and they g-got-... so c-cold-...”

Kauri hitches in a breath and slides his arms around Chris, letting the girl take her hoodie back, aware - too aware - of the growing crowd around them. Chris’s words devolve again, fall apart into moaning sobs, tears soaking the fabric of Kauri’s t-shirt, his fingers twisting and clutching into the cotton, pulling, rocking, in constant motion even now in the guilt twisted up in his fear. 

“They, they got s-so cold,” Chris whispers, and Kauri looks slowly up at the man with the dog, who is staring wide-eyed down at them. “So, so, so, she got so, she got s-so cold-”

“Holy fuck,” The woman next to the man says. Her face is ash under her skin, gray around the edges.

Anyone could call the cops of them right now. He doesn’t know that they haven’t yet. Sirens could start any moment, or maybe WRU will just come themselves with a big white van and needles and it will all be over, everything he fought to build of himself, because of Chris.

No. That’s not fair.

He chooses to care, that’s what he does, that’s who Kauri is. He cares, and he... has to be stronger than he is scared.

Kauri steadies his voice, holding Chris as tightly at he can, trembling against him. “I need you to call a number for me,” He says, carefully. 

The man nods, pulling a cell phone out of his pocket. “Yeah, uh, sure. What’s-... what number-”

“Call...” Kauri closes his eyes. “Call 555-4467, and tell the person who answers that... that Kauri needs her here now. And... that it’s not for me.”

Jake’s too far away, an hour even by car from one side of the city to the other, and he doesn’t even have his own car, yet, he’s still saving. Nat’s too far away, the safehouse is a half-hour at least. The only person he can think of on this side of town...

She won’t help, she’d never, she’d-

Nat’s voice, in his mind, a memory of her calmly reminding him, you have a compass, Kauri, and it’s gotten you this far. What does your intuition tell you?

His experiences tell him to run and don’t look back.

His fear tells him she’ll hang up the phone.

His intuition tells him she’ll come.

The man nods and dials, and Kauri closes his eyes and holds Chris tightly, listens to his words, lets him wail into his shoulder as the man and woman warn everyone else away, the remaining teenagers get Chris drinks of water from the water fountain that he takes with only the barest sense that he even sees them there at all. 

It takes twelve minutes from when Jenna gets the call to when her car pulls up at the park.

She walks out to them, over the grass, and Kauri has himself tensed and ready for the latest barrage of loathing, but all Jenna says is, “Can you get him to stand up on his own?”

“I-I don’t know,” Kauri says, and slides his hands under Chris’s arms. Chris clutches him more tightly, shaking his head, refusing to let go, and Kauri takes a breath and slowly shifts back onto his heels, half-standing, half-pulling Chris up with him. The man with the dog rushes forward to help, and so does one of the teenagers. “He heard those really loud fireworks and just... lost his shit, I just-”

“Yeah,” Jenna says, voice flat and pointedly uncaring. She gets Chris’s other side once he’s up, and Kauri thanks the people who stayed with them, tells the teenagers he hopes they get home safe.

The girl who first saw Chris only shrugs. “Not a thing. I’ve got a phone and a mom, we’ll get home, she’ll come get us.”

Chris hiccups and whimpers, and Kauri and Jenna move him to Jenna’s car. They get Chris to lay down in the backseat with his head on Kauri’s lap, Kauri’s hand running through his hair. Kauri closes his eyes, and says, softly, “Listen, Jenna, I wouldn’t-... wouldn’t have called if-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jenna says, pulling away from the parking spot without looking in the rearview mirror, without looking to see Kauri in her backseat. 

“I... I really wouldn’t have called you but nobody else is on this side of town, and-”

“I said don’t worry about it.” Jenna rolls her eyes. “Back to Nat’s place? That’s where this kid is staying, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Chris sniffles against him, and Kauri shushes him softly, carding fingers gently through his sweaty hair. Jenna drives, taking the long way, the winding curves around the city to throw off anyone who might try to follow them. Kauri’s phone vibrates and he wonders, suddenly, how many texts Jake has sent that Kauri never answered. 

“So I guess you can be s-something other than a bitch when you want to be,” Kauri says, voice shaking, as close as he can get to a thank-you with her.

Jenna snorts, and briefly meets his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Bitches don’t get taken back,” She says, firmly. “We stay free. I’d rather be a bitch to Romantics than a pet, get it?”

“Got it,” Kauri says, but this is still probably the nicest she’s ever been to him, and he calls it a victory. “Why are you-... why did you agree to come?”

“Because of what that guy said. He mentioned it was fireworks. That’s why I’m here.”

Kauri’s eyebrows furrow. “Yeah... fireworks set him off. The big ones that crack really loud.”

Jenna is silent for a while, and then says softly, “Gunshots.”

“What?”

“There’s gunshots in that kid’s head. If he doesn’t remember them when he comes back, they’re from before, from whatever got him to sign himself up.”

“How do you know?”

Jenna makes a turn and drives over the big bridge through the center of the city, sunlight shining on water on either side, the swooping cables of the bridge making curving shadows inside the car. 

“Because,” She says, heavily, “There’s gunshots in my head, too.”

---

Tagging: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @slaintetowhump , @astrobly @newandfiguringitout , @doveotions , @pretty-face-breaker , @boxboysandotherwhump , @oops-its-whump @moose-teeth , @cubeswhump , @cupcakes-and-pain @whump-tr0pes @whumpiary

[fleur-marigold]

ARLO THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my first reaction to seeing screenshots of Arlo a few days ago was “huh, how odd!”, followed immediately by seeing cool gifs of the music and animation and realizing “ah, it’s that kind of odd ❤️“

(spoilers under cut!)

I’ve been a little low energy so I didn’t get around to watching any trailers but I think that added to the experience, going in completely blind without any expectation made me appreciate it so fully! even just the faceless intro scene tugged at me in a very “we are going to make you feel emotions” way and BOY is that an indicator of the art form.....

everything that followed was like a freaking. 10 hit combo of jokes that made me cackle, character dynamics that made me giddy, design work & animation that made me oooooh, and musical numbers that made me FULL BODY STIM BOP RIGHT ALONG FIRST LISTEN BABY........ hell YEAH I’ve missed 2D animated choreographed diagetic character driven musicals so MUCH!!!!!! lay  me that good good I Want song on me! there are so many scenes that have song-potential and I’m SO glad they included so many, it adapts to modern music & musical styles really REALLY well which is tricky to pull off too, I’m defo looking up the ost!

Arlo himself is so wonderfully written, just.. a good boy with a big heart and a lot of dreams, and that makes his naivety into the kind where you just want to adopt him immediately, support his every whim and comfort him through his inevitable awakenings, which I’m SO glad he found a whole band of people to do for him. literally every character in his found family group owns my HEART and I’m irrevocably attached to them all. we will literally never get sick of a group of ragtag weirdos banding together (and committing crimes!!!! true DND party spirit). BERTIE QUEEN OF MY HEART. I’m going to give Tony a little kiss I’ve waited so long for a little mans like him. and Alia is so SO cute I adore her energy!!

the plot is familiar but follows along so smoothly and delightfully, something about the energy of the setting (BAYOU BEST MOVIE LOCATION), cast chemistry and musical HYPE breathes fresh life into it all... all the little sidestops along the journey and time spent developing emotions and bonds are so worthwhile, and have so much art, soul and FUN poured into them!! that starlit glowing beach scene is absolutely going to stay cemented in my mind forever, that was like.. peak cinematics. I was gushing the entire time :’-)

and on that note man, with this movie being a return to musicals AND having a running thread of music being used to express a whole range of unwordable human emotion, creating countless moments of development, vulnerability, intimacy, comfort and realization... I’m sooo glad it decided to integrate the musical format so strongly, and have it be an integral part to both the protagonist, his relationships AND the overall message! we love this little showman bard alligator........

every freakin scene had me hooked, congrats to colourful stylized animation for being the only medium to ever make NYC seem appealing and wondrous! the cast just going wild in it is that excellent chaos. not to mention capitalism & conformity critiques forever being addictively entertaining in musical form 😔✊ holy WOW that sadtimes Arlo song........ utilized abstract shape and colour and movement and symbol and music style shifts in a way that made me gasp “there’s more??” every minute or so into the song I LOVED IT SO MUCH..... what an emotion

this is one of those movies where the kinds of flaws I have with it are mostly noted out of an intense passion for it, so worth mentioning is: the writing did feel a little slippery starting around the third act, a few miss or mistimed jokes, some things could’ve done with either more fluidity in plot transition (news report, gala quest), resolution (post-Arlo’s rejection perhaps?), buildup (the entrepeneurial discrimination thematic for example) or exploration (WAS REALLY 👀👀 at possible animal hybrid lore???)

the villains naturally made me wanna’ throw fists but could’ve been a little stronger personality/originality wise (BUT. I MUST hand out a solid 10/10 for giant evil furry, holy shit), and fish guy needs to learn to process his trauma in a way that’s kinder to kids. Hank the septapus did it better. I noted that there’s, potential stereotypical imagery with Furlecia? it caught my eye so I’ll look out for voices on that. plus unfortunate big nosed villain, I suppose could be design relevant but it could be shown in another way

the biggest structural flaw though. ARLO’S DAD. I’m pretty intrigued by the way this story played out - naturally the big rejection was anticipated, and while I was :-/ hmmm the entire way through his Dad’s sympathy journey, I was interested to see how they’d explore the idea of the urge for conformity pressing someone into climbing societal hierarchy, and whether he’d be the kind to want to break out of it. sort of a critique in the form of example: ‘this is whack, rejecting it is way better’

and GOSH this is where it brings me some conflicted feelings because. I saw that birdman twist coming a hot minute before its reveal, and as an out-and-proud avian-feathry I was ELATED to be right and have more angsty bird rep, but like. unless there’s more to be said about how this happened, ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS MAN SUPPOSEDLY THREW AWAY HIS SON?????????? “my son is gone” “I made a mistake” “I let him go” AM I TO INTERPRET THAT YOU THREW HIM DOWN THE FREAKIN SEWER OR WHAT??? HELLO?? SIR???? WHAT!!!!!! his entire apology scene I was slapping my pillow and yell-whispering “YOU’RE GARBAGE” at the screen LMAO I cannot ABIDE this. what have you become INDEED

anyway. I DO wish their story ended on a note that strayed from the ‘blood family must reunite’ trope but I am really glad they gave Arlo two focused and explicit opportunities to cut ties with him, and affirmed that he would have been just as fulfilled, happy and loved by his found family :’-) that’s good stuff right there. I had a strong feeling about seeing each of the group portrayed and developed more personally and individually, so reading that this’ll be followed by a series is SUPER exciting, not to mention it’ll be in one of my OTHER favourite story locations: pastel carnival-ized sparkly lights rustic seaside attraction town babyyyyy!!! picture me... hand over mouth....... whispering “oh my god......... Bertie wanted to live by the sea” as the credits roll

I get the feeling this might not be a movie that resonates with everyone, and I can definitely feel a lot of room for notes and improvements, but I also kind of just want to focus on.. the immense high of excitement, passion and artistry it took me on (I don’t think I’ve knee-slapped, flappy hand stimmed and whisper-yelled at a screen so much and for so long in a good while LOL) and good, heartfelt, wholesome movie aftertaste this watching has left me with. a good time was had and I hope many others can enjoy it as well :-]]]

[writingforevren]

Tic Disorders and Tourettes

Hi so this can be either for basic information or it can be for if you make a character with a tic syndrome whether it’s tourettes or not. I just started experiencing tics a little less than a year ago which apparently if your tics start as a teen or adult it’s a lifelong thing (big oof but y’know more originality) Moving on to bullet points

Tics are involuntary movements or speech. They are repetitive but do tend to change over weeks to months and what I mean by change is for example I had a tic a couple months ago and it happened daily now it happens maybe once a week and eventually it’ll completely go away and new tics will develop.

New tics can develop without much warning. For example with a vocal tic you may find a word just randomly coming out of your mouth without you meaning to say it and then that word becomes something that you tic. Or you neck will just start twitching without you meaning to. It’s also a common thing when they first develop to hold them back which can actually make them worse in the end.

Holding back tics is possible and sometimes you can even stop them. Usually it’s a lot easier to stop vocal tics since it’s a lot easier to cover your mouth or stop saying a word then it is to stop a quick head twitch. However if you hold back tics for a long period of time they tend to all come out at once and they may be worse for a while after holding them back.

Everyone’s tics will be different, however people may pick up tics from other people. For example I know someone with a stim who shakes both of their hands rapidly and now I have a tick where I shake my left hand rapidly for a short period of time.

People with tics tend to tic more when experiencing more extreme emotions, such as excitement or anxiety; when being sleep deprived; when thinking about tics; or if you see or are around other people with tics.

There are two types of tics, Vocal Tics and Motor Tics. Vocal tics are, as the name states, noises that come out of your mouth and are ‘vocal’ while Motor Tics are body movements. Both of these types of tics have two sub categories, Complex and simple.

Simple Motor tics consist of simple movements such as a neck twitch or facial twitches like winking or eyebrow raising.

Complex Motor tics are more complex movements such as clapping your hands, touching things, or making obscene gestures.

Simple Vocal tics are noises such as sniffing, grunting, shushing, snorting, etc.

Complex Vocal tics include full words, sentences and/or phrases.

There are three known types of vocal tic disorders that people may have. Which are repeating their own words (palilalia) or other people’s words (echolalia), and using obscene words (coprolalia)

Alright moving away from the general section, I’m going to talk about my experience with tics and what my tics are. I’ve not been diagnosed with anything nor do I feel like it’s necessary because I know I have them and they aren’t bad enough for me to need treatment.

My vocal tics tend to come with some sort of neck twitch (either forward, tilting to the side or quickly looking to my right) and my voice also goes higher when I tick usually but sometimes it’s my normal voice and I’m like wait is it a tic or am I just not thinking (Yes it’s a tic)

I have never had a full sentence or phrase vocal tic they are generally just single words. I tend to tic things that I read as well as what other people say sometimes that I wouldn’t usually tic but here are a few that come without warning and come regularly.

Vocal tics

a very small high-pitched hiccup

A whistle that sounds like twitter (literally I don’t have twitter and it sounds exactly like a twitter notification)

Making a popping noise with my lips

Tongue-clicking

Shushing “shhhh”

“No”

“Fuck”

“Cock”

“Chocolate”

“Tic”

“Juice” (pronounced like ch for j-)

“Boc”

“Wow”

“Taco”

“Quack”

My motor tics tend to happen more often but there are less of them and they tend to be pretty simple.

Motor Tics

Head & Neck twitching in all directions

Facial tics are winking, smirking, and lip raising

Shoulder shrugs

Rapid hand shaking (just my left hand)

Shaking my head

Sometimes I’ll mix two tics together- the other day I said cocklate- and I couldn’t stop laughing at myself because my friends mom was right there.

Anywho hoped I educated someone and if not that’s cool now you know my thoughts about it and what my tics are. 

P.S. I would never wish to change how I am and even if there was a treatment for tic disorders I would not take it because I actually find them entertaining.

[xerospaced]

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

Weirdly... scary to know this is it's own thing I'm experiencing. Daunting. But also - I've been dealing with this my whole life. No exaggeration. Sometimes I have months where I'm clear. But I would say I experience at least half of any one of these given symptoms at any given time.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I will be able to move when I want to. Eat when I should. Pull myself away from my interests when I wish. Not lost untold time getting stuck repeating the same motion with no end goal. Urinate when my bladder is full rather than the last second where my body is right about to override my fuggen brain! Work when I want to work!

But the aggression. These past days. I put it down to PMS - I'm sure it's played it's part. But last weeks. The consistent agitation. The inability to perform any necessary task. Falling behind on my work. The absolutely NOTHING mood. But agitation gnawing away consistently.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

The ADHD that was only diagnosed last year, the likely undiagnosed ASD, also diagnosed last year was the autoimmune connective tissue disease. Major depressive disorder. Multiple forms of anxiety. The misdiagnosed bpd. And then IF WE REALLY HAVE TO let's add on the self-harm, failed suicide attempt(s), ostracisation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, being literally left for dead, the plethora of hospitalizations as a child, childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, overlooked behavioural issues, teenage self-medicating, bullying, and fuggen MORE

I mean

Life

Is

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.