#i thought it didnt come out until november .......

[gigginox]

alan wake 2 came out already ???????

[pisceslovrr]

THE EXIT (spencer reid x fem!reader)

warnings: angst, spencer and reader breaking up, no use of y/n, spencer's new gf, no happy ending

an: this is heavily based off the song the exit by conan gray, also this is my first time posting anything like this. the ending was a bit rushed, i imagined season 3-4 reid for this one

February-

you and spencer were out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship, as you were noticing all the little things he does to keep his life in order. you were enjoying his company a lot, you liked having someone around you all the time.

one night he came home with flowers and you were excited to see him after he came back from a long case. you ran up to him and wrapped your arms around him. he didnt hug you back. "i missed you so much, spence!" you say as you pulled away and looked up at him. you noticed he was avoiding your eyes. "spencer whats wrong?" you questioned as you took his chin in your hand.

he said your name in a cold tone. you furrow your brows and you look up at him. he finally looks at you but his eyes are filled with sadness. "whats wrong, are you ok?" you say as you continue looking at him. he gives you the flowers. "can we sit down?" he says looking over at the couch.

you sit down first and he sits on the other end. it wasn't normal for him to not sit right next to you. he doesn't look at you either. "im sorry but.. " he starts and then pauses. you look at him with a worried on your face. he said your name and he continues "i need to end things, or i need to end us" he finally says.

tears well up in your eyes as you look around at the boxes that were from your apartment. "w-what?" you ask. "we need to break up" he says as he also looked at your boxes that were neatly stacked in the corner of the room. you dont say anything, you dont look at him, you just stare blankly at the boxes.

"please say something" he says with tears in his eyes. you dont know what to say, you dont even know what to think. "why?" you finally let out and it feels like you took a little weight off your chest. he looks at you "i like someone else, shes from my hometown and we just click so much" he says as he scoots closer to you.

you open your mouth to talk but words dont come out. he takes your hand, but you immediately pull your hands away and you get up from your spot on the couch. you look away from him "if shes better then go have her" you say as you grab your purse and your keys and you leave him alone in his apartment.

you go back to your apartment and you finally let out all your anger and your tears as you practically slam your things on the counter. you let out a guttural yell as you fall to the floor of your kitchen and you hold your head in your hands. you sit there and cry for a while until you hear your phone rhythmically buzzing on the counter.

you stand up to grab it and you feel dizzy at first but you grab it. you look at the contact. it shows "spencer♡". you look at the heart and you cry harder. "how could something so good end in about an hour" you thought as you watched his name disappear. almost instantly his name pops up again and you answer.

"hello?" he said from the other line. "hello." you respond coldly, not wanting him to know that you have been crying since you entered your home. he says your name "im sorry" he apologized. "are you really though? how could you be sorry for me if you have already found someone to replace what we had" you said as more tears welled up in your eyes. he tries to speak but you cut him off "i thought that we were special, you know? but i guess we werent special enough". you dont let him speak, you just hang up the phone.

you let the tears run down your cheeks as you think about the life changing night you experienced. you try to think about if you could have done anything to change it, but in reality you know that its probably for the best.

November-

you are running late to work but you need to get your daily coffee before you start the day. you walk into the usual coffee shop you go to every morning. you order what you usually order. you do everything as you usually do, but something seems off. you hear the doorbell ring as it would when somebody walks in. you turn around to see who it was.

the color drains from your face as you see spencer and this girl that has her arm linked with his. you immediately look away and try to hide your face. spencer says your name in a questioning tone. you dont turn around for a second but when you finally do he smiles at you. "spencer?" she says looking at him and smiling painfully.

hes opening his mouth, but you cant hear the sound thats coming out. you just stand there and nod. "are you ok? you seem off" you hear him say. "yeah im fine why wouldnt i be?" you ask as if you are not dying inside at this very moment. "you look pale" he says looking at your cheeks. "im just getting over the cold" you say smiling.

you think about how his life looks perfectly fine, he has his new girlfriend on his shoulder, and he seems like hes doing amazing. meanwhile your wounds are still black and bruised. "aw thats too bad, how have you been?" he asks while still smiling and he kisses his new girlfriend on the top of her head. "i have been great! what about you?" you say still smiling painfully. "well i have been doing good!" he says as you notice that their hands are interlocked. "thats good-" you get cut-off by the barista calling your name because your drink was ready.

you grab your drink and you try to hurry out. "well i hope you have a good rest of your day" he waves as youre walking out of the door. you dont pay attention to him, but you walk back to your apartment and suddenly you are taken back 9 months when he broke up with you. you are on your kitchen floor crying as you think about how good they looked together, and how he was happy. "i shouldnt be crying about a happy couple enjoying their day" you think.

you dont see spencer at all after that. you avoid that coffee shop like its the plague. you avoid all the places that you and him used to hang out at. you never drive down his street even though its a quicker way to get to work. you never want to see him or her ever again.

[neonsbian]

EVERY MONTH OF 2023 (tagged by @xiaojuun & @baekhyunnybyun <3)

rules: link your favorite and/or most popular post from each month this year <3 (it’s totally fine to skip months!) and tag some ccs you love!

i didnt actually start making gifs until like late november so i was kinda unsure if i wanted to do this challenge since id only be able to include 2 months but i decided why not it's kinda fun to see how far i've come in a short amount of time

NOVEMBER

most popular: my first loser or babygirl xiaojun set (and my 2nd gifset ever 😭) | favorite: i couldnt decide bw my second loser or babygirl xiaojun set, xiaojun slutting it out during universe (let's play ball) or xiaojun bull riding in the regular mv

DECEMBER

most popular: yuta & yangyang clubbing together during alley oop (it's also my post popular gifset ive made of all time so far) | favorite: xiaoten at the seasons greetings shoot

i think every other cc i thought abt tagging has already been tagged or did this already so ig ill just say do it if you want 👍

[vanillatalc]

dayblog

on a whim i applied for a third chess job (btw when i say this just assume every job is like one hour per day, bc it generally is, im not like literally insane seeking all these jobs out) which i seriously doubt ill get bc i didnt last time - it's another hour of the daily job i already have + i know they prefer to spread the jobs out rather than giving multiple to one preson so im already pressing my luck a bit by having two, but i dont really see teh harm in applying, im not hurt at all if they say no so.. also i had to reapply for one of the jobs i already hold, so im a bit stressed until i know whether or not that is another 3m of financial security

sold a commission, i am doing ok for money this month

thought about how odd it is that i have an upcoming germany trip for work lol. like genuinely how strange that i work for an international chess org that does things like international work meet ups. its not bad its just fucking weird bc this basically all happened bc of a hobby i picked up like one random evening talking to one random acquaintance i havent spoken to since like 2016? i know work trips aren't that unusual but ive never done one before bc my whole adult life ive been self-employed and, well, obviously no work trips there... and ive avoided the trips the past few years bc of covid and/or wedding last year but this year i have rly run out of excuses. ben + clare are gonna come along as well, ben bc he wants to travel w/ his wife + clare bc she actually likes germany and speaks german. obvs they will not be around for the chess bits but i do also feel a mid degree of fear at the thought of being one of the only women in a very large room full of men. i think some wives/gfs do attend but idk how many + i assume they will probably melt away for the communal work part as well so like. again: some trepidation there... so i am gonna keep ben around for some of it in guard dog mode. its not until november so i have some time to get used to the idea

[floosies]

Radio

early 2000s au

eddie munson x oc!fem

warnings: mentions of drugs, cursing, future smut, friends to lovers 18+

(a/n: im sorry this chapter took forever, i've been going back and forth on alot of the details but i hope that it isnt too bad)

series masterlist

December, 2011

London was colder than Hawkins when winter came about but Frenchie settled into it. It took time for her to come around to all the changes. How she'd ran into him for a moment but he didnt even recognize her now and how ridiculous she'd felt afterwards for crying about it. She knew it was wrong to go and love bomb her boyfriend in the aftermath, but she needed to reassure herself that it was him now and not Eddie.

That bad moment had come and gone, she spent October and November in and out photoshoots and concerts with Alexa who had been her rock through the changes in life. Fame had a weird way of being, the highs were high and the lows were fuckin ocean deep. Her relationship was on the rocks, though she wanted things to work out, her work and social life was more important to her.

Being with him made her think of the past, but he didn't want to give up on them. It was a weird place to be in, but through liquor and lines it all felt totally possible.

Eddie's mind never once thought back on a party and why would it? He was in his element, the band on its second album with a huge tour around the U.S there were constantly an array of changing faces. Though he wouldn't deny that none of the girls he would get with after a show held any deep feelings to him. There was a sense of never letting himself get that close again, or at least for the time being. Why would he anyways? There were projects and money to be made everywhere around him. From music awards to tv show appearances and online interviews, the band was busy.

Did he still think of Julie? Only if he opened up the old lyric notebook with the picture of them on the first page. On the difficult nights where he'd drank too much and started to think too deeply on what could have been if she hadn't been taken away from him he would cry over their picture. He swore if he ever saw her again he would take it as the miracle it would be and never let it happen again, that regardless of it all he wouldn't let her leave again. But in his mind he knew it was probably a dream, a very unlikely dream.

-

Though, the universe has a weird way of being. Corroded Coffin's last stop before home for the holidays was the UK, they had some interviews lined up in early December as promos for their latest single off the new album which was to be released after the new year. Frenchie having more of an online personality as well as a love for rock music was offered the interview gig by the radio station's social media coordinator.

However, she wasn't informed until a week or so before that she would be interviewing them. She had taken the gig back in late May with only the knowledge that it would be whatever band had music coming out in the early new year. Safe to say it could have been any rock subgenre or band, but just her luck it happened to be her old friends.

A couple of days before the interview was set to be held, she found herself moping around Alexa's flat. Her head laying off the side of her friend's bed, "I mean what if they're angry when they realize it's me?" Alexa glanced at her from the window sill before blowing out the smoke from her cig into the open air, "why would they be angry? You said they were super close to ya." Frenchie sighed, "I just never got the chance to give anyone, any sort of closure." Her friend nodded, "still men aren't as complex as us, I doubt they'll feel that way." In a cynical way it made her chuckle, maybe she had a valid point.

-

The day of the interview she was a bundle of jittery nerves and despite her cup of tea or her constant breathing exercises, she was beyond afraid. To everyone on her team, they assumed it was because she had mentioned she was a big fan of theirs. Due this assumption, they implored she met them before the shoot began. Apparently it wasn't all of the band that had come, it was only Jeff and Eddie, of course it would be the founders, always busy with the business side of things.

Softly she knocked on the door of their green room, it was opened by someone on their team, but they recognized her and let her in. Immediately she saw them getting their hair and make up done. With every nerve in her body on super speed she spoke, "hey guys! Nice to meet you. I'm Frenchie, I'll be interviewing you today."

Eddie knew that voice, recognized it like the back of his hand. His head whipped up to look at her, it was her. She was blonde now, but it was her. Jeff reacted before he could, "no fucking way!" With that he ran up to hug her. No one around them understanding what was happening. His body and his mind were not in union but some how, some way, he ended up holding her too.

It had been far too long, yet here she was, slightly different, but holding him for dear life. They both could hear Jeff explaining what was happening to everyone in their green room, but Eddie and Julie were in their own world. Holding onto each other as if trying to make up for the last couple of years. She had to be the rational one, she whispered to him, "we're both on a time crunch love. I wanna get you home in time for the holidays." He nodded into the embrace, "You're really here. I can't let you leave like the last time." She held him tighter, "I'll get your number before the end of today. I promise you won't lose me again." Her voice as soft as he remembered it the last time he spoke to her.

-

If the fans were truly as dedicated as they claimed to be, they would surely notice the way Eddie was starring at Frenchie throughout the interview. His gaze focused in on her with a sense of affection or flirtation, in his replies to her questions as well. Jeff looked just as happy, maybe not as intrigued but both boys were playful with her.

If her fans were the same, they would think she was probably flirting with him beforehand. However, both of them were known for their charisma so maybe they could play it off. Especially knowing Eddie was currently a taken man. She knew better, and she was happy for him. However, when she mentioned it in the interview Eddie's joy was suddenly somber, because of course he was being reminded that despite having her again, there was someone else in the picture.

-

True to her word however, like they had the first time around, she got his new number. They'd spent the whole night on facetime talking about their recent projects but Eddie needed to see her one last time before he want back to Hawkins. Thankfully she had nothing planned the following day and his flight wasn't until late the following evening. She wasn't sure what was going to come out of this meet up.

Unbeknownst to her, Eddie had spent the rest of the night looking through her social media accounts and searching up her name. Of course he watched her interviews, googled all the photos of her at Paris fashion week, and read the articles about the guys she was allegedly linked up to. One of them was a guy from a band under the same label as him. Had she been near him this whole time and he hadn't noticed? Fuck. Then he saw the tmz photos of her with some actor, these were more recent.

-

She spent most of the early morning cleaning her place up as her mind raced with what conversations would be had between the two of them. Everything was fairly new to her, she'd only moved to Mayfair some months back, would he think she sold out? Did it matter? With the sound of the doorbell sounding off the walls of her flat, she was pulled back to the reality of the moment.

Once opening the front door, there he stood, a shy smile on his face like the one he'd given her the first time they met up by the bleachers all those years ago in high school. She moved to the side, letting him into her place. He noted the scent of vanilla all over the house and the framed pictures of her and her new found famous friends.

"This is some place you got," he joked as he kept looking around. Behind him, she was smiling, "I only moved here a couple of months back. I was living in east London for a while, it's not as bad as I was told it would be, but some friends of mine said it'd be best to move to green pastures sort of speak." Eddie couldn't take his eyes off her, it was his girl, but she was so different. "It's not such a bad thing, I'm not that different, promise." His eyes widened, "shit did I say that out loud?" She giggled, her laugh making his heart ache.

She offered him something to drink, while she went into the kitchen he kept looking around at her photos, all the magazine covers and articles she'd been featured in. Then he noticed the photo of her with him, he hadn't realized how long he was staring til she said something. "We broke up not that long ago, it was after your label's album party." Eddie looked a bit confused, "you were there?" She nodded, her hands holding their drinks, he took his from her grasp and followed her to her living room.

As soon as they sat down she started explaining where'd she gone and how she'd ended up in London in the first place. What broke Eddie's heart was finding out she knew when he'd left, and that neither of them could have done anything to try and find each other. His hands fell into his head as she spoke about it, "I should have left your friend with my manager's number-" "Eddie no you had your dreams-" "and you were part of them!" She didn't know what to say to that, part of her wasn't expecting for him to care about her after all this time. "Of course I care about you. Julie you were the only reason I even kept going." She hadn't realized she'd thought out loud either, "I just mean you have everything now Eds, I see you and the guys causing mayhem everywhere and your new girlfriend, and I'm happy for you. Really I am, and it's why I just thought we'd say our peace and move forward-"

His head was spinning, "is that what you want? You want me out of your life?" Her eyes widened, "that's not what I meant at all! Eddie you just have-" "I don't have shit Jules, the whole first album is about you, I can't stand being sober half the time, and as for my girlfriend she's just there-" "Eddie don't say that, you know you love her." He shook his head, his hands clasping onto hers, "I love you and I don't want to lose you again." This wasn't how she wanted it to happen, "no. You're not going to hurt her because of me. Eddie i'm here for you always as a friend, but I won't let you ruin the good things in your life." By this point they were both on the verge of tears. Here he was begging like a child for something he knew he had elsewhere, but he only wanted it from her.

All he could was hold her, and its what they did for the rest of the time they had left before he had to be back home. When he left it felt like a part of him had both been placed back into his heart but not at all correctly. It wasn't any better on her end, Frenchie kept thinking on all things she could have said or done, but she was never the girl who would be a homewrecker, especially now with both their names in the limelight. She loved him, and he loved her, but fate again wasn't on their side.

[plumblossombouquet]

after 5 long months ive logged onto this account. ive cleaned it up of any cluttering posts. i feel a lot of regret for how ive handled certain things and for how harshly ive always treated myself. i had tried to be optimistic on this blog, you can see it, but deep down i was miserable. this isnt a sob story post, it is more of an update and analyzing myself too. because to analyze me back then and me now is to see growth as a person.

tbh i was struggling with a lot of things months ago and even relapsed in things i wouldn’t have imagined i would have. this isnt for validation at all, i like writing things publicly like this, like a note for myself? idk. 

i know i would make comments about my mental state back then “how it got better” but that was never the case. it was temporary. 

to be quite honest, i will get into the real real gist of it. i had moved out of my parents place like in october of 2022. living with my family has always been stressful, i wont go into that though. my roommate was an incredibly selfish and two-faced person. there were red flags but i either hadnt noticed or ignored them. she was a complete pos, imo, and even reveled in being one. she was even gross and her sister who also lived with us was also gross. i feel bad for her cat bc she wouldnt clean the litter box that much until she wasnt so “depressed”. i am honestly not sure, i put quotation marks bc honestly i feel that she was just lazy as fuck. she was one of those girls who followed trends and went out clubbing a lot and had lots of hook ups. i dont know man, maybe i seem like an asshole but ive struggled with depression since i was a kid and still find energy to clean my cats litter box. granted, i have better coping mechanisms and thought processes and am just in general in a better place mentally but idk i love my cats to death and feel like a dickwad when i even go a couple of hours over with cleaning their litter box. she also didnt try to help with her cat becoming obese basically and stuff, so yea. sorry for the long tangent, my roommate was a dickwad.

after moving out of that hell hole (i wasnt apart of the lease so it was p easy), i think i moved out beginning of february? well, situations happen and i move out of parents place with my bf at the end of february. place ends up being fucking infested with bed bugs and the landlord lady was a bitch and so yea. i moved in and out like 4 times in the span of november 2022-march 2023 i think? tbh, that was all pretty stressful. but i think the good thing out of it was my cats are indoor cats now and i love taking care of them.

while cleaning my posts of clutter, i had a wave of nostalgia both good and bad. it wasnt that long ago but it feels like it. i loved rping hu tao and i think a lot of the reason as to why i could never rp with a lot of ppl was because i was harsh to myself and held myself back. i felt like i didnt properly convey hu tao’s portrayal and compared myself to other hu taos. it is easy to compare because it isnt your writing or portrayal. i could look at myself, be a harsh critique about my looks, but at the end of the day there could always be someone out there that sees things differently. in a more positive and less judgemental light, ig. i also had and still struggle with social anxiety. it has gotten better and perhaps it has helped that ive learned to be more understanding of myself like i am with others.

i love hu tao as a character and always will. and id love to come back to her! but tbh i have fallen out of the game and havent been playing it. i havent played the event including hu tao. i am not sure yet if i am going to make such a commitment to rping again but looking back at the posts made me feel a bit happy. i kinda like how i wrote her, i liked interacting and being goofy. 

so, there is that, i guess. 

[i-am-the-egg-to-rule-all-eggs]

This has been sitting in my drafts for awhile. I'm almost scared to finish it because everything is so raw.

My parents were emotionally abusive since I was a child. Im pretty sure they were emotionally abusive because i was a very different child than my sister. They wanted me perfect. I wasnt allowed to be wrong, to learn from my mistakes, to be better from doing stupid stuff. As a result i got very depressed, because i was hid away. Locked away from the world, because they didnt want to deal with my problems, and made everything my fault. I was held responsible for things done when i was a child, and thus i never got to grow and change from my wrong behaviours. I didnt know how to stop because something was wrong outside of my control and i didnt know HOW to fix it. And they never did, choosing to blame it all on me and insist i "fix it" without helping. I'm also pretty sure I'm transgender, but it's been repressed for awhile because I was never supported enough to explore it. Anyway, after years of hiding away from the problems that come with a adhd foster kid who exhibits neurodivergent behavior, they finally got tired and tried to force me to run away. They stated started to get physically abusive about Thanksgiving of 2021. I remember the day very clearly. My parents had this cycle imposed upon me where I would spend my days going to school and working my minimum wage job, and all other times I was expected to find something to do outside of the house. This was so they didn't have to go through the legal implications of kicking me out, and possibly causing my high ranking Army dad to be fired due to child neglect. So they tried to make me run. To quit.

And I tried. I tried and tried and tried to get away. It was hard, because they had been telling me for years that I wasn't good enough, I couldn't survive in the real world, I was worthless and unlovable. I got heavily depressed. I was in and out of treatment centers due to multiple suicide attempts. I became bisexual in a Texas treatment center.

Then, finally, they started to get physically abusive. November 28, 2021. They had me in aforementioned cycle of working, learning, fucking off by myself outside, coming home and getting hammered emotionally, them going upstairs to sleep in their bedroom because they thought I would destroy my own. It was tiring. I got no time to unwind or relax. Just constant pressure every waking moment. On Thanksgiving, when I thought I might be able to relax, my mom told me to go out, and she didn't want to see me until after dinner. I snapped. I started yelling. She walked towards me and picked me up and started to shove me our the door. She had done this many times before, but I had never fought back until now. I pushed back. She had my dad grab my arms as she grabbed my legs as they prepared to throw me out of the door. I started kicking and punching, seeing red, just wanting to return to some semblance of normal and get back inside and be a somewhat happy family again.

For one, we were never a happy family, and two, it would never be like that.

My mom and dad pressed charges on me for domestic assault. Every police officer and attorney I came across tried to hint that it was the stupidest case ever, and I should have denied and fought with everything I had, but I had 0 experience with the law and thought it would help repair my relationship with my parents if I admitted to the charges. (side note: I was 16 at the time, and therefore a minor, and how juvenile court works is you don't really get charged, you get adjudicated. When you go to the adjudcation court for a crime, you can either admit or deny the charges. If you deny, it moves on to trial. If you admit, they move on to sentencing but it would be considerably lighter because you're honest and have remorse)

So I admitted, spent a few days in a detention hall ,(in which literally everyone said I didn't belong, that I was really respectful, and just a wonderful person-I doubted them at that point, because of the brainwashing my parents had been doing.)and then I moved on to the shelter next door; kind of a transition home from the detention hall.

Then I was assigned my probation officer, as my sentence was probation for a year, based on no former offenses and admitting to the charges. That was Whitney. He was great; as my PO, he was the first person outside to really SEE the bullshit on the inside. He checked on me about once a week, and I told him everything was fine, because by my standards it was. Then, about 3 months in, I had had an argument with my parents that got physical. They wanted to take me out of school for a little bit to take me to therapy so that they could rag on me in front of professionals and cement an idea in everyone else's head that I'm wrong and twisted and everything they do to me is necessary. I was not having that, so I tried to grab my bag. My mom stepped on it, saying that I was not going to school, so I pulled it and she fell over. Then, both my mom and my dad proceeded to drag me across the ground and out of the house. Because they just gave up, I guess. I show up to school, crying my eyes out, with cement burns and handmarks all over my arms. That day my PO made a surprise visit. He found me in the nurses office and freaked. He called CPS and got me to a shelter. My parents, adept as they are at lying, said that I must have gotten the burns and handmarks on the way to school.

I spent a few days in shelter and then went home after, but that incident really sparked my PO to align goals with me: to get me out. We planned on Youth Challenge, taking place a few months from then, and he told me to try to hold out, and he would try to get a better version of CPS, called DHS, on the case. These guys are supposed to help with tricky cases like mine, where the parents can't be convicted of any PHYSICAL child neglect (as my parents met all my needs and nothing more), but are still abusing their child. However, it got too much, as they just made all of the restrictions they put on before worse. Here's a small list:

I was not allowed in the house from like 8 am to sunset.

I was forced to shower under supervision.

I did not have a room. I slept behind a bookcase against a wall.

I was not allowed to have possessions besides clothes and hygiene and my phone, so they could get in touch with me.

If I was at home I had to sit and do nothing.

My meals were made for me, and I ate by myself (this was nothing new. I think I have a eating disorder now bc of this)

It was torture. I was stressed every single day. I wasnt welcome in the house, and they let me know with every word and every action. Eventually, I snapped again. Tried to kill myself, and they called the police, who took me to the hospital and then to the shelter I was at before. I stayed there for about 2 months, because everybody agreed I needed to be away for my safety. Later, I went to youth challenge.

Youth Challenge was the start of my healing process. At youth challenge their main goal is to get you a diploma, and to get some discipline in you. I made friends, I learned how to control myself, how to numb under some pretty high pressure. I graduated close to the top of my class, #1 in academics. I lead/managed large groups of people my age, and learned how to work the system. I also had some fun times, and made amazing friends and enemies while I was there.

I didn't know it at the time, but my mom died while I was there. She sent me some letters before she died, talking about how she was impressed at how well I was doing there. I still have those letters. I'm still confused about how I feel about her death, because I did actually love her, even if she tried to gaslight me into thinking otherwise so she could prove I'm a bad person. Then again. I'm relieved I never have to see her again.

My dad took it hard. He loved her too, and ofttimes chose to believe her and support her. I don't blame him for that, I just wish I could have had one parent to support me through the shitshow.

Tumblr is lagging big time now, I will finish this in another post, which I'll tag eggmanlore. If you're here, thank you for listening

[bahngray]

LIMERENCE

Disclaimer This work is for mature audience.

Pairing hyunjin x reader x felix

Parts : Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3

Synopsis -There are some memories you cant throw away, because those memories define you

"I didn't believe in soulmates, but if i did believe in them, i would believe your soulmate was someone who had all the things you didnt, that needed all the things you had. Not someone who's suffering from the same thing you are."

Chapter 4 : Yours

I couldnt think straight. I was 2 weeks pregnant, which meant I had a child growing inside of me. But this child it didnt belong to Felix.

It belonged to Hyunjin.

Me and Felix we havent made love until we got married, which meant Hyunjin gave me a part of himself that night.

I shaked as I thought of telling Felix about this, Hyunjin about this, about our future.

I rushed home, crying. I called Hyunjin. "Hello" he said with a concerned voice, "Hyunjin...*sniffs*.......I...I...I need you here"

I started crying again, "Please come here" I started shaking.

"Y/n calm down, I'm coming" Hyunjin replied.

*Moments Later*

Hyunjin walks in to find me sitting at the corner of my bed shivering. "Y/n whats wrong, tell me I'm here" he says as he pulls me closer to his chest.

I tell Hyunjin that I was pregnant and that I was holding his child inside of me. Hyunjin looked shocked. He sat in silence for sometime, he looked up at me and asked, "Do you want this baby?"

I wasnt sure, I didnt know. "I want to talk with Felix about this and then take a decision" I said.

"Okay, we'll do that" he said calmly.

*Few Days Later*

Felix came back from his trip and was surprised to see Hyunjin staying in our apartment. I told him about my pregnancy. He was hurt and I knew that because Felix could never hide his emotions, not from me at least.

" Y/n honestly I really dont know what to say, I dont have words, but if you want this baby, then sure you can but that wont mean I would divorce you or anything, you know that. I'll be there for you during your pregnancy, if you want Hyunjin will be too, afterall he's the father of this child. So think carefully while making a decision."

I couldnt think straight, for me everything seemed so blurry, it felt as if I was inside a nightmare.

I thought for sometime and I decided to have this baby. I wanted to bring this child to life, and it wasnt because I wanted Hyunjin to know that I would choose our baby over Felix but because I didnt want to give up this life for our mistakes.

I was going to make sure this child was happy. And I would do that at all costs.

When I told Felix and Hyunjin, I would be keeping this baby, they were happy for me as always. Hyunjin was excited to become a father, Felix wasnt in good shape.

I tried to make sure I was beside him whenever he needed then and made sure he never felt as if I had abandoned him, because of this child, because Felix was just as a big part of my life as this baby was.

I was gifted with a beautiful baby girl on November 15th. She looked just like Hyunjin, with full lips, deep brown eyes. I loved her. I was crying when I first held her in my hands.

Hyunjin was with me throughout the prenancy just as Felix was. He would look after me when Felix went out to work. He showered me with love those past 9 months.

When he held the baby in is hands, he was crying, "Thank you Y/n, thank you for giving me this angel. I love you, I love this babygirl of ours." I smiled as I looked at him.

Felix rushed inside the room to take a look at me. He was concerned, I assured him giving him a soft peck. He took the baby form Hyunjin and looked at her with not only warmth but love.

Hyunjin named here Erina.

We spent the next 3 years living together. Erina was growing pretty quickly, the baby who was just so small and tiny was now starting to talk and walk. She loved playing with her father. Hyunjin would take her out to the park sometimes and walk with her while telling him stories.

Felix was an amazing father too, Erina called him "Dadda, he would get Erina plush toys whenever he came back home from work and he would take her out to her favorite playground, playing with her while she smiled brightly.

Everything was going well. I had a beautiful daughter, the love of my life was always there beside me and the person whom I was always thankful to was always there for me.

I was finally happy. We all were, we shared countless happy memories. I felt as though I finally had a perfect family, though we were different from all ordinary families, I was still happy for this place I called home.

Until 2 years later we found out Hyunjin was suffering from emphysema. His conditon wasnt good. He would wake up gasping for air at night, he would cough out blood sometimes.

It was terrifying to see the love of your life suffering in front of you.

We got him to the doctor but he said his condition wasnt good and surgery wouldnt fix anything rather it would be a risk for him. He didnt have much time left.

I spent everyday with him, Felix understood me, he took care of Erina for me. I hugged Hyunjin tight when he would apologize for having to leave too soon, I cried with him when he would feel miserable for not being able to spend enough time with his daughter, I held him in my arms when he blamed himself for all this. I stayed up all night, afraid that he would leave me anytime soon.

Until he left me, left us, one morning as he lay in my arms coughing out blood looking pale and breathing his last breath. I screamed with pain when he laid restless in my arms. I cried like crazy when he stopped moving, I shaked him told him to stay with me.

There's this immense pain that I felt when he left me, when I held the love of my life and sensed him leaving me, and I will always feel that pain whenever I would think of him. The memories I had created with him became scars for me, they shattered me.

I blamed myself for not letting him in when he came back for me, I regretted not spending time with him when he had time. Why had I wasted all this time not being with him? Why?

The most painful thing was to answer Erina when she asked where daddy was, she was 5 then and she was starting to understand, she missed him so much. My daughter, our daughter she was hurt too, not being able to see his father, not being able to be held in his arms as he walked her around it hurt her too.

Felix made sure Erina was okay, he took her out, he played with her, he would take her out to her favorite restuarant on weekends, read her storybooks as she drifted off to sleep in his arms.

He also made sure I ate properly, I was doing okay, he would sit beside me holding my hand as I would cry not being able to go to sleep.

I was suffering from pretty bad insomnia then. After Hyunjin left me I was suffering I wasnt mentally stable, I wasnt a good mother at that time and maybe thats why my daughter was taken away from me.

Erina died of breast cancer at the age of 7. I lost my precious daughter. I lost part of why I was alive. I lost all hope for living. I wanted to run to Hyunjin and hug him, cry, but thats the thing about life nothing goes the way you wanted. So I went to his grave and I cried out. I cried so hard that I felt as if Iwas going to die.

I lost all that I had owned.

Though Felix was always there, always. He cried with me when I lost Hyunjin, when I lost Erina, he held me tight in his arms as I lost the half of me.

Thats the thing about Felix that still amazes me. Just how he had loved me even though I had never given him a child of his, when I had a child with someone else. He still loved me when I held Hyunjin in my arms when he took his last breaths. He loved me all this time, through all of downs and ups, he loved me when I was bad, when I was good, when I was an awful mother, when I was an awful wife he loved me still then.

I lived till this day thinking about all the love that I had received from Felix. I'm still living for him. And I know my daughter and the love of my life they are watching me from above and I hope they know how much I love them, how much I miss them, how much I still cry for them.

This was my story as a mother, a wife and a lover.

[hi-chae]

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

[violentdevotion]

okay so the firing story: she was home sick for 3 entire months and then at the end of the year my boss told us 'so we will not be extending her contract' which first of all. weird. bc all of us have contracts for undetermined periods so why didnt she. turns out she had asked for that herself in a move i can only describe as Stupid: she worked fulltime but maybe wanted to start working 4/5ths in 2024 hence she asked to let her fulltime contract only run until end of 2023 (i say Stupid bc you can just. ask to change your contract even if its for an undetermined period). anyway for the first month and a half she was on sick leave for glandular fever. and after like. idk two months of sick leave, legally, your pay gets docked somewhat UNLESS you get written home for a *different* illness afterwards. now this is purely smth my boss was mad about bc i fully get her but: remember the baby daddy she got back together with? so. she got pregnant again. but then had a miscarriage (which, incredibly sad but maybe a good thing bc another baby would not have been good for either her OR the baby) and was understandably! not fit to work after that! what i feel you can do during recovering from such a traumatic experience: going to gatherings with friends and parties etc. go girl you have to get through this somehow. MAYBE AS A TIP THOUGH: dont post about it on facebook if youve friended your boss who you are costing money and who is big mad about you not working atm. so um yeah he did not like that much. and also she was kind of um. well. underqualified. which! boss's fault for hiring her! if she needs to come along to french and english meetings, and she doesnt speak either of those languages... why'd you hire her!!! that + she was majorly beefing with the manager because she thought that as the boss's PA she had power to do and say whatever. and was bossing around other colleagues, telling the manager 'youre just jealous of me' when she was told to Knock That Shit Off. so yeah end of contract, she sent her badge and key by mail to the office and did not come to say goodbye to us (boss had invited her to the christmas party so she could have an official sendoff but she declined which. also understandable). anyway she had a jacket in the office for if she was cold and she. did not come to collect it. so now every day we hang our coats away and Look at it and Remember. haunting!

that last line...

the contract thing is, godbless her, stupid (as someone with a 1 yr contract that /might/ get renewed we'll see in november who has a friend that was complaining to me yesterday about how they can only find places hiring with 0hr contracts. the thought of having a stable job and not securing it with everything I have is crazy to me)

I completely get what you mean and agree with you with the way she handled the miscarriage the idea it may have been for the best as awful as that may be to say and that it's not wise to post about it when you have your boss friended on fb. even if she was defrauding the company and taking sick pay while not sick (not to say that I think that's what she did) I wouldn't have a moral issue with it but I WOULD take issue with the fact that she posted it FOR YOUR BOSS TO SEE

literally why hire her (good for her though)

the you're just jealous of me is sooo so so so funny though please feel free to send one more ask telling me if she was fun to have around in the office bc she simultaneously sounds insufferable and the most entertaining person ever (in an office)

once again.... that last line. Haunting.

[typingthingz]

Nov 22 2023

Yesterday, November 21 2023! It was sooo....hm!!!!!!!!!

I missed the bus and I didn't wanna walk to my morning/program school so I wandered around. I couldn't go back home because my mom was home and if I went home, I wouldve been scolded of course! So...I walked around. My hands got SUPER cold. Like...super cold. But it was still pretty nice to just walk around for a bit. I got to appreciate the things around me. The leaves are really pretty. I seen a lot of yellow and red leaves, especially yellow. I made sure to step on every single crunchy leaf pile I came across. Eventually, I called one of my friends (Ginger haha). Ginger luckily was not at school yet! So we decided to meet up and hang out for a bit. It was really funny...she brought me a hoodie and scarf to wrap my hands in for warmth. (So thankful..) And we met up at the school's field. (my second school, aka not my program/morning school. this is my zoned school!) But there was this gate between us and I thought it was locked...it wasn't. I was ready to try hopping that fence but... nope. I tried to throw my bag over the gate...it didnt go over. My bag fell right back to the ground and POP. I BROUGHT TWO BAGS OF CHIPS FOR MY CLASS THAT DAY. AND THE RIPPLE SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS BAG POPPED. And then there was some chips and chip dust in my school bag... T-T and then Ginger was like "THIS GATE ISNT EVEN LOCKED" and it was kinda funny lolol. We sat at the school's stairs for a while and we ate the popped bag of chips together while we talked. It started to drizzle. Eventually her class was starting soon so she had to go in. But for me....my zoned school classes wasn't until 10:30am... well technically 11. But anyway...so I walked around some more....and then I decided to just sit infront of the school and wait until I could go in. My nose was red and my hands were freezing and it started to drizzle more. LUCKILY...one of the counselors came out the school and asked me if I was okay and if I wanted to come in. I explained to her and I was so happy! She let me come inside and wait in the counselor's office until my class started. SO THANKFUL! Then, in my ELA class, we watched Into the Spider-Verse and got donuts. I ate a chocolate icing donut with sprinkles. After that, I went to my music&society class and we were with some other classes, people drew, played games, and ate some food. It was a really nice day honestly.. and I'm really thankful for the life I have... haha...Thanksgiving is tomorrow. The rating is a 9/10... my hands got so cold lolol!

[rcgsdiary]

2

today i woke up sad for multiple reasons. i thought i was gonna see someone today but turns out i cant. which is fine. but then i made it a whole thing in my head and now the other person feels guilty for not being able to hang out with me. i feel like ive been actively pushing this person away but im not trying to. and the worst part? they dont really care that im pushing them away.

it hurts a lot. i wish they showed that they cared as much about me as i care about them. (trans: i wish they were as crazy as i am.)

unfortunately that caused a bit of an ocd meltdown. i had to absolutely ruin my thighs to make myself feel better. ill add images later to document. my obsession was that if i didnt hurt myself, i would lose them. i know its stupid, but it feels like i have to and i will sit in crippling anxiety until i carry it out. i dont want to hurt myself, really. i just feel the need to.

i also am feeling incredibly lonely even though i know its my own doing. im pushing people away, and when i see them going out with other friends, i feel lonely. how dumb is that?

ive come to realize that im just that insecure. i need people who will bend at my very request, and if they dont, i feel like they dont care about me.

i need someone who would beg for my attention. someone who isnt too stuck up their ass to be pathetic for me. im sick of being pathetic for other people.

it disgusts me to see the way i act. its like i have no self esteem... oh wait, hahahahahaha.

god im too old to be acting like this. anyways my doctors appointment is coming up on november 3rd. hopefully ill be alive then.

ive been hitting my head on the wall in hopes that ill pass out of completely forget who i am. i wish i wouldnt hold myself back when i self-harmed. then i could actually get the results i need.

if anyone sees this and has any tips on what i should do to forget myself, please reach out to me. i could use some help.

-rcg

[intemperanceeee]

the almost apology

I started to write an email but then i wasnt sure if i wanted to send it. I'm going to test it out here and see how i feel about it.

Dear Mer,

I have had some time to process our last meeting. you know the one, where you insisted that we meet so that you could apologize to me for all of your behavior.

if you stop reading here: know this, i am so upset and disappointed by how that went. I know that you think it went okay, but it was not.

i feel worse than before, when we were in limbo and you hadnt spoken to me since the concert incident. you know the one, where you got so drunk that you couldnt function in the middle of the pit, and were carried out by EMS, but not before insisting that i come with you. Effectively getting me also kicked out of the concert as well. Remember that? do you? do you even know what you did? i'm not sure, because when we met for you to apologize, all i got was "i'm so sorry for putting you through that". I have no idea how you thought that was an acceptable apology. You need to articulate what you're apologizing for, and we both know there was a lot more that you needed to apologize for than just the concert incident. You have treated me like a doormat for years. You have used me, talked down to me, made me feel like i knew nothing, was nothing, and had nobody but you. Being your friend was traumatizing. It was co dependency. It was hard for me to exist without you. It still is. When i go out now, if i run into anyone, they ask where you are, and i have to battle with my brain on whether i tell them what happened or not. But either way, the mention of you nearly ruins my night. It sucks. I am constantly reminded of how we were basically joined at the hip for years. people equated you with me, we were one in the same. you were my person. and i was yours. sort of.

You met me at that park to apologize. Because jake told you to. Not because you thought of it yourself. You didnt even try anything before that to mend our friendship. It was like you didnt care, but i know that you care, you just shut down and left the situation the way it was. You assumed that if you did nothing, the problem would go away. You think that about everything. That's why you dip out at parties when you get too messed up, why you never apologize for anything, or acknowlege that other people have helped you when you were too messed up to finish your job, or get home. You just coast and assume that it will all work out without you having to do anything, and if it doesnt work out, then you ignore it until it goes away. You cant keep doing that with everything. i've seen you do this with everything else in your life and i never thought you would do it to me.

I told you that i wouldnt deal with you while you still drank. I said it was the final straw, i wrote you that letter and you signed it. You signed it in front of me and cried. You said you would try. You made it barely a week before you started drinking again RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. In case you forgot - it was when we went to the pumpkin carving party, and i went outside to take a call. I came back in and you had ordered a beer. That is when i decided that i was going to move out and buy my own place. And you were not welcome. Were you really so surprised that i was serious? Is that why you told people that i was abandoning you, that i was going to let you move in with me and rent out my spare room, or that i was going to find someone to live in my room while you stayed in yours? We never discussed any of those things, but you felt the need to tell everyone we knew about how i was the villain because i was dumping you like trash. That is unfair and you know it.

I was finally doing something good for myself, and you felt the need to make it about you. You literally gave me the "i'm so happy for you, truly, but i just feel so blindsided by this". As if i didnt tell you in NOVEMBER that you had until the end of March to find a new place. I made that so clear. I'm not in charge of understanding things for you. I moved out, i bought a place and you got an apartment by yourself. I tried to distance our friendship a little because i needed space. But i wanted to still be there for you. I just really needed to take care of myself and be serious about my move, considering it was a huge step in my relationship. I expected so much more from you, and i guess that was my fault for expecting too much from you, when you have time and time again shown me that you are incapable of doing more than that - because you are stuck being drunk and/or hungover 100% of the time.

You are paralyzed by alcohol and you always will be until you get completely sober. you cannot drink socially or "sometimes". you cannot regulate your intake. you cannot be a moderate drinker, or a normal drinker. Every day you continue drinking, you're killing yourself. you're also making your friends' lives hell. It sucks being around you when you drink. You are always a liability. Because when you walk into a room with the people who know you the most, and you start drinking, there's a silent agreement between the people in the room that one of us is going to have to take care of you or help you in the inevitable crisis. Now i know... you're going to say "i always get myself home, i'm always fine... blah blah blah" well to that i say: Bullshit. complete bullshit. yeah, you pour yourself into your own uber plenty of times, and you physically make it home. sure. but you also make EVERYONE worry about you when you do that. that's the best case scenario. the worst cases are the ones where you need help standing up, and someone has to physically carry you into your apartment. or when you let a random person you dont know bring you home and then something bad happens. or you lose your keys and you end up on somebody's couch. or when you lose both your phone and your keys when i'm out of town and you're supposed to be watching my dog. you know, all of these things that DO and HAVE happened when you drink. Things that wouldnt have happened if you werent 18 sheets to the wind every fucking night. You made me feel unsafe in my own home because of all of this. THAT is what i wanted apologies for. I wanted apologies for all of it.

You met me at that park and the only thing you could muster was "i'm so sorry" and when i asked "for what", you couldnt even come up ANY specific examples. You didnt prepare for this apology at all. I had this conversation in my head for months. I went through all of the scenarios on the things i wanted to say when you finally apologized. When i walked my dog, in that very same park, i had these conversations in my head countless times. I thought about how it would go, what i would say to you, what i thought you would say to me and my responses to that. You fell so short of my expectations and I am left just broken and disappointed. I cant imagine how you think our talk went well. you barely said "i'm sorry" and then you ranted about your scummy boyfriend for the rest of the time. I also want to note that i knew you had been drinking before our meeting. I'm also not sure that the coffee cup you were drinking from didnt have alcohol in it. I know you didnt quit. I know that day was your day off. And i know that your hands werent shaky, so you were drinking. I knew, and that's why i basically let you talk the whole time. I discovered years ago that you are not worth talking to when you're drinking. Nothing sticks, nothing stays on your brain like this, and you melt into an agreeable piece of shit that doesnt mean what she says and cannot tell the truth to save her life.

I do not accept your apology.

We are not okay.

Call me when you get sober.

Cristina

[foursdarkdays]

About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

[gogtopia]

let's talk: canon events! how'd you get into the dream team? what brought you to dtblr?

i've given the story in some capacity before so here's the full version. all of the jules lore if you will im gonna make it long so here we go

so it's november 2020 (for some reason interests i get into around my bday often end up long term??) and i go home from college for thanksgiving break. bc it's covid, the rest of my sem is online so like i'm staying home. i got super into dnd the past few years and d20 specifically the summer before but bc i was an ra that sem i got too busy to watch long form content and eventually it lingered out of hyperfix territory. but like i wanted the rush of being super into something again and i knew that when i was going home so i actually planned to get into mcyt funnily enough, but my plan was to rewatch old vids from the people i watched in 2013 (actually i just wanted to get back into steve s.uptic in general too). but my brother was like bro. you have GOT to get into this dream smp thing, which he and my sister, then in hs, had both been watching for a while (my sister was actually a long term q viewer. skull). so the two of them sat me and my other sister down and we watched the sadist animatics, some of wilbur and tommy's lore vids, and weirdly enough a mr beast gaming video?? he also showed me a manhunt at some point but dsmp was rlly my point of entry because i'd come from a rp heavy fandom

so around the time i joined was exile which was obviously like so investing... love it or hate it like it did slay. and also el rapids was around that time. which like if you've known me longer than six months like i used to rewatch that entire arc regularly and write long meta about it. i latched pretty quickly to karlnapity and qnf (skull emoji). i thought dream was funny but i didn't get as invested in him specifically until full jackbox era bc he was less active then.

on the tumblr side, i made a blog right as i got into it but i wasn't super active. i mostly interacted with ppl in dsmpblr that did image descriptions at first (i did them up until like early 2022 when i just kinda gor burnt out w writing them) and like to be clear i was consistently blogging abt dtqk since nov 2020, but i didn't really get "accepted" into that side of tumblr until nov 2021. partially on me because i didn't follow a ton of ppl at first but also old dtblr was kinda weird abt accepting ppl into the mutual circle. whatever who cares eventually i got in with some cool ppl and then i met my friend areeba deedis around that time and she helped me spread my wings and meet a ton of ppl! also i think i started writing fic jan 2021 but didnt make my second ao3 until april but ive been writing consistently for this fandom since

[i-eatdirt]

vent time!

(TW for s/h, transphobia, biphobia, panic attacks)

So I have this friend, lets call her A. I met A in September 2021,and at the time I was a bit tentative to be friends with her because she was saying some things that were kinda red flags, but I didnt have any friends at that time so i was a bit desperate.

Fast foreward to October 2022, We're friends now. There's also 2 more friends, C and E. At this point A has said a few more things and im getting a bit worried. We have a project to do, and i had an amazing idea. we had to make a camping menu for 3 days and make it fancy (it was nutrition/health class). I make my menu and A tells me she hasnt started it yet and it was due the next day. She then asks if she can copy some of my ideas, and okay. I'm kinda famous in my friend group for letting people copy off me. So yeah, i told her she can copy as long as its only a few things , cause im really proud of this project. She then takes it from me and goes to do her work, but when i ask for it back she refuses to give my work back to me. Now im upset so I ask again, but then i see her work and she copied LITERALLY EVERYTHING, right down to the drawings.

Then I get really mad, so i start yelling at her. Then A gets mad and we start arguing. E finds out and starts getting upset at A, and I can feel a panic attack coming on, so i leave and go for a bit of a walk. When i get back, C has found out, and i can hear them talking about me. I use varying pronouns woth my friends, and i think i was they/them at that time. (Im afab)

Anyways, A goes "I dont know why she's so upset! She let me copy her work!" And E corrects her on my pronouns (like the amazing friend he is), then A says "so what if I get her pronouns wrong? Its not the end of the world!"

that really triggers me, so i leave again. This goes on for a few days, and ive calmed down, so E, C, and I decide to confront A. C takes the lead, since they're our resident therapist friend. We ask her why shes such a crappy friend this year, and turns out theres some stuff going on with her family, her parents are probabaly getting a divorce, her moms boyfriend is abusive. I mean, okay, most bullies do what they do because they're being bullies, but she still has no right being so mean.

We had a LONG discussion and decide were not gonna assosciate with her anymore. So we havent really talked in a while.

But about a week ago, she comes up to us and comes out as bi. Then she explains that her friend is being rude to her because of it, and wants to talk about it because all of us are queer. So we talk a bit and then she asked if there was any chance we could be friends again. We talk about it and decide that yeah, okay, we'll give it a try. There was also a part in November where we all thought she was gonna die because she had some lung problem and she needed to be 'put down' (I don't know what its called for people), but thats not really important.

It was okay for a week, until today. Everything was fine, her friend Z (the biphobic one) had made up with her, our friend groups decide to merge a bit.

For a bit of context, while we were taking a bit of a break from A, E came out to C and i as trans. He uses he/they pronouns.

So anyways, E decides to tell A, which goes about as well as you'd expect. (This is all by notes btw). basically, E tells A, A writes 'youve got to be kidding me' but scratches it out, E shows me, E says somthing, A says he's been influenced because me and C are both trans and that trying things isn't always good, E shows me again, I immediately validate him and tell him she can go fuck herself, E and A pass some more notes I don't read.

Then A says something like 'i dont see how thats rude, i didnt say anything bad' and I make the mistake of saying 'no, literally everything you said is extrememly rude'. Then A gets mad at E for showing me, and everyone starts shouting at eachother.

After, C and A talk for a long time (again, therapist friend), then C comes to me and E to ask what happened, but they don't know anything we havent already told them.

A also made me self-harm back in november, and was being really rude about religions, gay men, and black people/POC.

Anyways um thanks for reading if you got all the way down here.