#i wanna post them again!! i am autistic for music!!!!

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Alright so.

Miku playlist that's all techno shit

General vocaloid playlist that's all techno shit

Pouf playlist that's just entirely made of miku songs

Vintage vocaloid required listening playlist

Iconic vocaloid songs required listening playlist

[master-of-stupidity]

Fuck it gonna put all my Tangled rants into a single thread that I'll just continue on if needed-

Oldest to newest btww (also spoilers most of these r about Eugene btw ik ik I'm a lil autistic spare me 💀)

That one part of Bruno is Orange but Eugene coded-

"Did you hear about that Father

Sent his own infant son away

And said "It's to *dangerous* for

you to stay so, I had to *save* you" "

I may be cringe but I am FREE

Yo omg ok so my brother is singin a Into the Woods song while I look at Tangled stuff n it made me remember a scene from the play where Gothel yells at the Prince "Rapunzel can think for herself!" n like- dude Cass said the same thing in Cassandra's Revenge to Eugene! Ooo girlll-

The way I would kill so many ppl if it meant getting a series about Lance n Eugene as kids like broooo imagineee-

Its crazy how like I'll be enjoying my day than suddenly I'll see a post of a mf going "Hey what if Eugene thought he was a yr younger cuz he was like a rlly scrawny kid?" Yeah ok sure n what if I hit u with a *metal pole*

My tangled ocs r so random its hilarious- like it goes from a bodyguard,a greedy businessman,a ringleader,n than that one serial killer who turns ppl into meat pies like how did we get here???? 😭🙏

I just remembered like just a few days ago my brother randomly said "vase" while playing Fortnite n my ass just said "vAHse" just to fck w/ him n like that kinda reminded me of that one scene of Eugene n Cass like damn they were sibling coded frrr lmao I miss em

Wdym there was a scrapped Eugene n Lance childhood episode??🧍And WDYM it's literally everything I ever wished for and more???????? 😃

Would love to see Eugene n Martin Kratt interact solely to see Martin be appalled n slowly lose his mind over how Eugene knows jackshit about animals 💀🙏

I think the Eugene genderbends look so weird to me because none of them kept the infamous goatee like cmon man don't be a coward give that girl some facial hair 🗣🗣

I should not be relating Heather's music to scenes from Tangled the Series yet here we r 😭

Omggg thinking about how Eugene proposing to Rapunzel in tts came from his abandonment issues n him literally not being able to see a life without Rapunzel omgg shut upppp leave me ALONEEE

Literally despise with every fiber of my being how the writers of the shitty Wreck it Ralph 2 movie had fcking RAPUNZEL of all ppl say "Do ppl assume all ur problems were solved just because a big strong man showed up?" They fcking HATEE the movie Tangled *so much* bro istggg

OMFG THE VOICE OF KING FREDRIC FROM TANGLED IS MR. FCKING KRABS WHAT?????

The way I wanna be bold n talk more about the "Over the Corona Walls" ep- esp about Staylan n Eugene n all the icky implications of that but I'm also so scared too cuz I fear ppl won't take me seriously or think I'm overanalyzing too much 😭🙏

Lowkey not over the fact Eugene was willing to trap himself back in an abusive relationship, "leaving" the one person he HAS died for n would die for again, all to save his best friend like bro don't TALK TO MEEEE

As u can tell I am totally normal n not at all ill about Eugene or this show 😁

What if I gave Eugene like- slight wedding trauma after the whole "Beyond the Corona Walls" incident??? I think it'd be kinda cool n in character ngll 🤭🤭

[arudoe]

Ok, first of all I have to say that I love your art style, it's just so comforting idk how to explain it but it's really really really nice

Also I saw your bruise wallpaper hc and you are so right, but which other hc do you have of them??

OMG ueueue thank you so much that is so sweet of you 😢😢

and also im soo glad you liked my silly hc hehe because i have so many its not normal actually

i made a post the other day with some of my hcs (this one) but i have plenty more!! so um enjoy 🦈

- they are both autistic (i infected them /j)

- my jay is transmasc ! (cole too sometimes depending on how i feel)

- they dont rly do petnames only like mean nicknames that are said with very much love and affection (like dummy stink fartface yk…)

- i feel like they do everything together like train play video game even when theyre doing separate things theyre tgt… like its always cole AND jay and never just them seperate… always team up for missions and everything… when they arent together the others will go wheres your other half haha stuff like that also they bicker all the timr and never say anything to each other but when the other isnt around they always talk so fondly about each otjer and 😭😭 it makes me wanna puke /pos

- they have very different music tastes (i hc jay listens to kpop and cole to 80s rock & new wave) and theyll always talk about how bad the others music taste is but secretly they actually like it… (jays kpop playlist got a save once and he was trying to figure out who it was and cole was like whoever it is has the worst music taste in the world) (it was cole who saved it) (also vice versa)

- they play every game and watch every show together and when one of them starts something without the other they get offended 😭😭

- speaking of watching cole cant handle anything scary at all but sometimes jay will somehow convince him to and always puts on the scariest stuff because he thinks its cute when cole jumps 😭

- jay still sleeps with his plushies so when they cuddle jay is spooning his plush and cole is spooning him and sometimes cole lays on jays chest

- they playfight and wrestle a lot and sometimes get seriously hurt while doing it

- they play dancing games tgt… like just dance and ddr

- also i think jay deffo dances to stim (totally not self projecting here) and his dance moves are always a bit silly so cole will copy them and jay is like are my making fun of me >:( and cole is like yeah maybe i am

- on the topic of stims they deffo mimic each other a whole lot in the sense theyll copy each others vocal stims and it annoys the hell out of everyone else because theyll say the same silly phrase over and over again for weeks 😭😭

- i also hc them both as chronically ill (jay is hypermobile and cole has arthritis) and sometimes after especially hard training days they will give each other back rubs/massages…

- they arealso borh very smart separately but when you put them together they become super stupid and lose all their brain cells

UMM okay this is kinda long so ill leave it here i have like a million more but id sit here forever writing them so 😭😭😭 once again im rly happy for ur question im kind of obsessed with them if u cant tell but um yea… enough yapping from me… adios..

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[zuuriell]

Introduction ˚⋆｡˚ ❀

hi everyone! my name is zuri and welcome to my blog!! here i’m going to share pretty random things to be honest, i’ll list a few below:

About my blog:

Random thoughts - it’ll probably end up being mostly these if i’m honest, i can’t stop talking sometimes no matter what the subject is about 😭

Shifting/Spiritual Stuff - i’d like to think i’m a pretty spiritual person; i’m into witchcraft (specifically crystals), runes + tarot, and i’m also a shifter! (i’ll write more later about my personal stuff with that, and be aware i’ll likely talk about it on multiple occasions)

Spreading Awareness! - i’m hoping for this to be one of the things i talk frequently about. i’ll likely speak a lot on disabilities, mental health, lgbtqia+ & women’s rights as those are what i have personal experience with, but it’s not a limited list! i will try my best to use this platform to advocate for people in any ways i can, so know i’ve got your back, friend <3

Also: just wanna note that my blog is here for everyone! other than the icky ppl listed in the DNI criteria below, you are welcome to be yourselves here, no judgement 🫶

DNI List:

1) NSFW/Kink Accounts:

-> I’m a minor & I want my blog to be an SFW safe space for everyone, so please do not interact or bring your content anywhere near mine

2) Antis (e.g. agere antis, shifting antis, etc.)

-> You don’t have to partake in it to approve of it, and again this is supposed to be a safe space for everyone, so haters should stay away pls and ty <3

3) Anti-LGBTQ+, Racists, Ableists, etc:

-> Pretty self-explanatory to be honest. I do not want these types of people interacting with me or my blog, respectfully please go away 🤗

About me:

i’m a 16 year old kid from england, also a november sagittarius

currently i am studying for my GCSEs! i am taking biology, english lang+lit, psychology and sociology! i am homeschooled too <3

i’m genderfluid + bisexual! my pronouns do change from day to day and i appreciate people who ask for my pronouns at the time, but if you don’t feel like doing that then they/them is fine :)

i have the best boyfriend ever! he’s so cool and he also has his own blog - @agere-tomndavid-imagines everyone should totally go check it out!! :D

i’m a shifter - i haven’t shifted yet but i’ve been attempting on and off for the last couple of years. my main dr is in the marvel cinematic universe!

i’m also an age regressor - this isn’t going to be an agere-specific blog, but i may talk about it here n there so just be aware of that (also if you are a regressor, pls be aware that i may swear in my posts! other than that though, this blog is SFW ^^)

i’m autistic and my special interests are: marvel (specifically loki ), sharks, fnaf and psychology

music is my life - my fav artists are: harry styles, taylor swift, james marriott & good kid

Additional note: i am disabled so please be aware and be patient with me! i’ve got CRS, POTS, PCOS & suspected hEDS - i know it looks like i just splurted out half the alphabet so if anyone wants me to explain these i am happy to do so LOL - and my healthcare isn’t the greatest either so i’m often having flareups, therefore if this blog isn’t the most consistent i apologise but i will still try my best :) ❤️

if anyone wants to message me, feel free- im always happy to meet new people!

have an awesome day/night, take care of yourself, and i hope to see you around! <33

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

[the-real-pokerider]

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

My name is Wolf Morgan (but just call me Wolf) and I am a traveling pokemon trainer who comes from the Drirome region! I am nonbinary, I use she/they pronouns, and I am autistic (my special interest is railroad stuff, if you were curious)! I have been a pokemon trainer since the ripe age of ten, though originally it was simply an escape from my home life. I pursued badges and battling in a rather wild effort to get away from home as quickly as I could. I traveled a lot of regions as quickly as possible, and only finally slowed down when I settled in Alola, where I stayed for about two years under Prof. Kukui's roof before I moved on to other regions. I met Interstellar, one of my best pokemon, in Paldea just a few years ago and their ability to turn into what I can only describe as a living motorcycle spurred me to decide to start traveling and fully drop the battling thing (which I'd practically already done back in Alola) and commit full time to being an explorer and just...catch and train pokemon on my own terms fully. Now I roam region to region whenever I want and simply hang out, learn the cultures, and primarily spend my time traveling around the wilder areas with my mons.

Some of my pokemon! Silver (shiny eevee) not pictured because well. There wasn't enough space and he's more just in the background a lot of the time, poor fella's pretty anxious sometimes. This isn't ALL of my pokemon I've caught over the years obviously, I swap them around all the time because I'm very indecisive on who I wanna have on hand, but you gotta pick some pokemon to go on the card so I went with some of my favorites. Cocoa was my very first pokemon and she's my very best friend, I feel just as close with Stellar (who is apparently a pokemon called Miraidon!) despite having known them for far less time, Hathy's incredibly gentle towards me but kinda hates everyone else, Bentley's my partner in crime (different from Cocoa), and Frostbite is one of my emotional support pokemon alongside Aquali.

Like I said before, I just picked some of my favorites to go on the card, you will see me post about others alll the time, so if you see me mention one you don't recognize from this post, that's why!

Ah, I'd say I've rambled on long enough. Send me asks and interact all you please, I don't bite! Just know there will be times I'll be online all day and others where I'll barely be on at all, it's really up in the air honestly. But such is the life on an adventurer!

(OOC info below)

As my character is a heavy self insert, I share in their identity in terms of gender and name (though I don't use Morgan lol, I just go by Wolf)!

Extra info abt me:

I am poly/ace/bi

I have been into pokemon since I was a very small child, introduced by my older brother

I am genuinely autistic! And just like my character, my biggest special interest is railroads/rolling stock (stereotypical, I know, but my friends and family can confirm I'm very not normal abt trains) and my current interests related to that, but I've recently been getting really into pokemon again as of late!

My other tumblr blogs are @itsorcatime, and @railway-roundhouse

RULES/INFO ABT THE BLOG/CHARACTER:

The Drirome region is based off of the Appalachian area (where I was raised and still live) and is therefore themed heavily with the culture from said states. A place where most everyone brought up there has a southern accent and most prefer rural areas over anywhere in a big town or a city, populated by unique pokemon and the region where many big country music singers come to light.

NO NSFW IS ALLOWED IN ASKS RELATED TO ME OR MY CHARACTER. Your ask will be deleted, if you're not anon I'll block you instantly, and I will definitely block you instantly if it is NOT an ask in which you say such a thing to me.

I do not allow magic anons or anything that could change the character's physical body or randomly give them objects. This is their blog, and that's what it's meant to be portrayed as.

[sherifftillman]

okay i posted photos already but i wanna talk about the weekend so here is a summary: (this is a long post bc am on mobile i am so sorry)

1. FUCK showmasters. money-grabbing, delusional, godawful cunts. i'm glad he only had a 2-event contract with them, but i hope it doesn't put him off future UK cons

2. i got to tell him how much luke's character means to me, that he portrayed an autistic person very sensitively and properly which is tough to get right, that his range is phenomenal and i'm glad he's getting the love he deserves. i don't wanna be That Person and say he wanted to hug me but was ~forbidden~ to, but his arms definitely moved out before he looked at the staff member and then instead reached out to take my hand. he said "thank you, love, your words mean the world to me" and holy SHIT his hands are the SOFTEST THINGS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! this was also day 1 so he was in the cardigan look and he looked So Ralph i couldn't keep it together lmao

3. when i tell you this man was a CONVEYOR BELT for photo ops. we all joked that you could have put a cardboard cutout in there and it would be exactly the same. same face in all of them and everything. he really seemed done with it all then

4. the panel was. well. about the same as any other. same questions as always were asked. same answers were given. i think bc music as a topic is so opinion based he's been actively deflecting questions about his personal music taste but my GOD did people push that anyway. poor man went into hysterics when someone said to say hi to wes, he was so done with the day. and oh my GOD he hates that panel host guy LMAO his face would be so sweet and gentle when he was talking to the fans and then that guy would open his mouth and jq's face would DROP it was so funny

5. i haven't even mentioned!!!! i made so many friends!!! mostly by wearing my djo hoodie everywhere lol. joe squared supremacy <3 but yeah. i've missed the con experience of just telling someone you like something about them and then spending an entire weekend attached to their hips lol

6. day 2 was SOOOO much calmer. i think bc it was announced super late and also he was only there for half a day. HE HAD A LIL SCRUFF OF BEARD 🥰🥰🥰 and he seemed so much happier. like actual "hello! so nice to see you! how have you been?!" like you see how he is at most cons. he wasn't like that yesterday lmao

7. going off that, when i said "oh you know, just pressing on" he frowned and said "well i hope it gets better!" i said "oh it's great! i've had a good weekend, i hope you have too!" and he went "its been... fucking... lovely!" but the "fucking" was said under his breath in a tone that's usually followed by "mental" or "a shitshow" but yeah. THEN HE WINKED AT ME!!!!!! and said "take care now, won't you?" that's the jq i'd been seeing in videos.

8. photos were much the same but i liked my second one better AND he rubbed my back, said "thank you so much for coming, get home safe!" AND HE WINKED AGAIN

9. day 2 panel was fuckin. EMPTY. i asked him a question about how he said in the wonderland interview that he'd love to pursue a music career, i was like "was that for real or were you just saying it to get to the next question" and he was like "i'm just so lazy, it takes a lot of work to be a musician and i'm not one now, but someday i might start a band" aw. also he is a VERY sarcastic man who i think people take way too seriously lol. also x2 his bitchface towards the host was even less subtle LMAO

10. we saw him leaving and the poor man had his cap on and his head down, he REALLY wanted to leave and i don't blame him in the slightest

11. FUCK. showmasters. they deliberately oversold jq and didn't honour refunds, autographs were either included in diamond passes or bought on the day for £75 IN CASH??? and one of my new friends was the only one left when they cut for time from photo ops, she asked if she could just get one, JOE SAID YES BUT THE STAFF SAID NO. we had one staff member talking to us DIRECTLY about what time jq was paid to stay until, said "but it would be nice if he chooses to stay longer" and then started talking about how last year's summer event was so unfairly criticised?? and was like "even joe said he wasn't stressed" ofc he isn't gonna talk shit about a company he was still legally under contract for??? and one tried to tell us not to sit on the floor, 30ft away from the first aid room door, bc there was NO OTHER SEATING, saying that it's our own fault if we got mauled by a stretcher in an emergency. there was no emergency.

12. i have practically bankrupt myself at artist booths and i'm tempted to do it all again in liverpool in a few weeks lmfao

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Yet another “I'm more non-speaking/nonverbal than I thought” post.

Hi. This is Nico. Our body is autistic. When I first found that out I thought we were “high functioning”, because we weren't as disabled as others seemed to be. But we were just very high masking at the time, & the mask is peeling off in painful layers.

I perfected my ability to write from 5 years old till now (we're 23), in part because speaking aloud is difficult. (But I thought everyone struggled to speak words & that I just....wasn't dealing with it well.) Because of that, this will be written in much better grammar & clearer words than I am capable of aloud right now. That does not mean I can speak aloud, nor that autistics who can't write like this don't exist or aren't super valid. That also doesn't mean I won't use wrong words sometimes, because I do still mix up words or have an inability to find the word I mean.

That disclaimer aside....

I thought I was hyperverbal. Because we also have ADHD & C-PTSD, the tism didn't seem to affect our speaking much.

The hyperverbal speech was part autism mask, part ADHD hyperactivity (or, externalized symptoms to be more accurate), & part PTSD (got abused & punished for not speaking).

I am currently medicating my ADHD with a balance of sugar & caffeine that works short-term. (I will eventually seek actual meds but there's a shortage right now & I am a tired bitch who doesn't wanna deal with doctors right now.)

I was trying to sing along to my music playlist. That's typically one of my most reliable self-soothing tactics. Even as we've started unmasking the tism, I didn't notice much difference in my singing—as long as I'm singing with backup music, I can still sing when words otherwise don't wanna work/translate/etc.

It came out in soft babbles, “bah bah bah” (lip taps with air), “bleh bleh bleh” (basically just tongue taps with air), & faint humming. I could follow the general beat/tune of the song, but couldn't make any of the lyrics come out.

This followed a session of flirting with my autistic girlfriend, & her making me laugh nonstop for a solid 20mins, until my brain decided “I'm safe right now” & words failed me. My mouth wouldn't do it.

I can still make noise in my head. Some of my thoughts are words (in a jumbled mix of the languages I know (Spanish & French, & bits n pieces of Norwegian/German/Italian/Irish Gaelic/Russian/Greek)). But most are pictures, feelings, vague concepts that I couldn't translate if I tried. None of the thoughts, even the ones that are words, will come out of my mouth. I can't make them come out.

That said, after around 20mins of incoherent noise I was able to sing along again not by understanding the meaning of the words or by saying the words, but by mimicking just the sounds. Ignore that it's a word, let the meaning float in nonexistence, & I can repeat the sound. But I don't know what the fuck I'm saying when I do that, because I can't think the meaning or process the words at the same time as I mimic it.

And that's the same reason that I sing almost exactly the same notes, accent, tone, etc. when I sing, 99% of the time. I'm just mimicking—I'm not actively singing. In order to actually sing, I have to wait for my brain to have enough processing power to spare to not mask, not mimic, process the words, process everything around me (lights, sounds, etc.), associate the words with something or someone, preferably a memory (usually it's my girlfriend who comes to mind right now, but sometimes it's family or friends), AND still make the words come out like they actually mean something. And that takes...so much out of me.

I can't make meaningful words happen right now. Just meaning-detached sounds.

So...yeah.

I thought I had no problems with speech. I thought words were just “a little difficult sometimes”. But I can only word so much in a day before I run out now, & I mean hard stop, ‘can't even mask to save my life’, can't talk to my loved ones, ✨run out✨. My girlfriend pointed out I'm unable to word speech more often than I'm able to now, & suggested I might be more non-speaking than I realized. Because I can usually word inside my head, for most of a day (especially if I take a nap), but I cannot word aloud for more than 2 or 3 hours if I'm not masking, & my mask starts glitching & breaking (stutters, wrong scripts, etc.) after about 5 hours at work now.

So I was never high functioning. I was destroying my brain to mask, & now I'm so burnt out & destroyed from what I did mask through that I can't even mask most of the time. I am now “high support needs” (incorrectly dubbed “low functioning”) autistic, because of how masking destroyed me.

Once I graduate college with a degree that lets me get a job where I can be myself (preferably my own boss), I will never be masking ever again. I can't. It's so taxing.

Speaking isn't supposed to be hard. It's also not supposed to be an act of mimicry 24/7 (sometimes it is mimicry, but not this much). And this is news to me, and I am devastated for child me who thought he was just not trying hard enough or was broken or was just missing a tool.

He was always disabled. We were always disabled. I will honour that disability now, to the best of my ability. Because I love him, because we're worth it, because I shouldn't have to pretend to be neurotypical & able-bodied when I'm not, because that little kid deserved better.

I will learn other ways to communicate. I will learn other languages, but also non-word ways. I don't always have to speak.

And that's okay. I'm allowed to be disabled.

So into the future we grow.

~Nico

[gothmothisnotoriginal]

Hello to the vast void of the tumblr.com

I left this site in 2018 because 14-year-old me got into a lot of shitty arguments, BUT I am very very tentatively back because the Musk Site has gone to absolute shit. Though I mean, like, "putting one toe in the possibly boiling water" tentative.

I'm 19 (20 next week), autistic, they/them, a writer and amateur artist. Still trying to get used to the dynamics of this place again.

Is anyone else a goth/post-punk fan here?? I wanna discover some new music lmao

[haunted-homes]

Intro Post !!

BLOCK IF ON YOUR DNI ! DNI GOES BOTH WAYS !

Hi, Sorry for the really long intro Post !

You can call us Haunt, we are a bodily 19 White Polyfragmented DID system, Physically Disabled, Trans, and Queer! Default Pronouns are He/They/Haunt!

This Tumblr is dedicated to the more problematic sides of our interests or coping mechanisms. We might proxy using emojis under some posts, to avoid using names. Im unsure if we will EVER let littles post here but Regressors or Sliders might. We intend to post Art, Writing, Rants and Vents, etc here. I will add a Disclaimer at the end of this post about my views and nuances about this kind of thing because it is genuinely not black and white to me. Sorry if that makes this intro too long but I wanna be thorough about what my beliefs are so no one gets the wrong idea about us as a person! But aside from that, here's more about us!

MCYT ! Mainly old DSMP, but also Hermitcraft, QSMP, etc etc

Interests Include -

Cookie Run !!!!!

Warrior Cats! Creepy Pasta! FNAF! Mythology! Writing, Art, Music, etc!

The Coffin of Andy and LeyLey

BOUNDARIES !

- You can reclaim slurs around us but only at us if we know each other. We extensively reclaim slurs, but we do not support the use of slurs you cannot reclaim.

- Always ask for consent to flirt, sexualize, etc before doing it because all Alters have different boundaries on this! (That being said, NEVER sexualize our Littles. ever.)

- DMs are open but please don't just send one word, it's hard to read tone or intentions through that and can make us anxious or block you!

- Try to use Tonetags, we are Autistic and really need them sometimes.

- Don't ask for Alters Sources if they don't wanna say. NEVER assume an Alter is like their source, or even enjoys their source. But on that same note, never assume an alter is fully source seperated or wants to Seperate from Source.

- Don't ever ask about our Trauma. We do not owe anyone that information. Whatever information we freely give at one time may be a touchy subject at another time, and we will never put your curiosity before our comfort.

- We prefer to say Source Memories over Psuedo Memories. Pseudo Memories feels demeaning and invalidating, but it is a fully recognized and studied symptom of DID. Source memories are a REAL symptom, it's just a different name than the clinical term. (We also do not like or use ANP/EP)

- We fully believe in System Accountability but all Alters are still seperate people. Some of us have different opinions, ideologies, Religions, etc. That's Normal. That does not mean we collectively support anything damaging to communities we are apart of or especially aren't. I can genuinely and proudly say ALL Alters are Anti-Racist and Anti-Conservative Fucktards.

DISCLAAAAIMER ♡

I like FANTASY tellings of Dead Dove Content. Basically, Proship, Zoo, Necro, shit like that. It should never be misconstrued that I would ever practice those outside of fantasy or fiction, the idea makes me sick.

Maybe one day I will outgrow this, or learn to cope better, but that is not today. I'm going to have my safe and consensual fun, and stick to my own moral code as I do infact have one, and just go from there.

I wanna also make it clear I don't really support MAPS/NOMAPS/AAMS at *all*. That's really weird and creepy as fuck and not the same as what we do/like in the SLIGHTEST, as again, this is all Fantasy/Fiction.

And I do acknowledge that Fiction can affect Reality, it can affect My reality, and I can control how I let it. If I'm gonna be plagued by Problematic shit, I'm gonna make it fun instead of agonizing, but I am not delusional enough to let it affect my judgement on following laws and doing no harm. I don't support or consent to any contact with minors on this account.

TW to things you may find on this Account.

Imagery of Raw Meat - I'm obsessed with aesthetics and Meat and stuff, so I'll probably use it a lot.

NSFW Animal Content (Petplay, Furry, etc)

NSFW Proship Content + SFW Proship Content

CNC / NC / DC Content

Necro Kink

Possibly SH or ED content (only in talk, Headcannons, or Fics, this specifically will ALWAYS be tagged and censored)

Again, just to reiterate. I only enjoy these concepts within the realms of Fiction and Fantasy.

DNI -

- Minors - Anyone under 18.

- Endo's / Endo Supporters

- Fakeclaimers

- Anti LGBTQIA+ (This includes Terfs, Anti Neopronouns, Anti Xenogenders, Anti Mspec / 'Contradictory' Identities, etc)

- Racism / Anti Semitism

- MAP/NOMAP/AAM

- Pro-Contact philia havers

- Transracial, Transabled, Transage. (I know there's nuance here but it's not the kind you weirdos think. Please research Mental Regression and BIIDS for the love of fucking christ.)

[lillyorlyracat]

Revamped intro post

What's up sweet bippies it's me autism cat

My name is Lilly, or Lyra, or Lilac, or Cat, or April. I am audhd(autistic and ADHD), I'm fictionkin, I have a shit ton of interests so my posts will be varied and inconsistent (if you only follow me for one fandom that's still cool idc)

Sometimes I'll post my art, sometimes I'll just yell into my keyboard and wait for people to press buttons on it. Mostly I just reblog posts I like, sorry folks

Update: decided to make an art tag! Just to organize stuff :P it'll be #🐱drawn by yours truly

Also, about that fictionkin thing? Yeah so I'm Ember Lumen from Elemental in the realz. I don't have any source memories or anything but I'm 100% her :P 🔥

Update (1/4/24): I'm also Ruby Gillman Teenage Kraken in the realz!! Again no source mems as far as I can tell, but my mom irl is definitely also Agatha in the movie >u< 🌊

F/O list here ⬇️⬇️

Dni list & boundaries uwu

Pro_sh/ppers/com_sh/ppers/pro_f/c etc bitches please don't interact, just, please,,

No z00ph+les either get outta here

I am a minor so please don't like,, be weird,,, or anything

Homophobes, transphobes, xeno/neophobes etc get outta here

OH ABLEISTS! YEAH YOU GUYS GTFO TOO, I AINT DISEASED >:D

Aggressive anti furries.. like. People who think furry = z00ph+le.. get outta here you’re not welcome ^^

Please don't dm me with like "hey wanna be friends" or anything like that out of nowhere.. if you wanna be friends with me, try asking about common interests maybe? Idk? I'm cool with making friends, that's just,, not the way to do it,,, y'know

Doubles are awesome, other Elemental kinnies are super cool! Buuuut if any Wades have like romantic Ember memories maaaybe don't interact? I'm 17 and already have a bf, and although I'm poly I'm uncomfortable with the idea of another partner right now. I'll be friends with a Wade tho, hi friend Wades 👋🔥

Ruby update: doubles are okay here too! But no Connors with romantic mems please. I...don't feel very romantically connected to Connor tbh. I'll be friends with y'all tho! Hi Connors!! 👋💦

I'll uh update this periodically cuz I'm probably forgetting a lot

Links to my other socials!

Youtube ⬇️

Instagram ⬇️

AO3 ⬇️

Picsart ⬇️

"You might think that this is the end...

Well it is!"

[seth-silver-ink]

Hello! I'm Seth,

and welcome to my blog page! 🤍

I love to write and Sonic is my special interest. I'm still trying to catch up on the past few years of sonic content, but I'm just excited to be here and engaging with the content again.

Mmmm. I'm a multi-shipper, but I love writing gen fic as well. Found family is one of my favourite tropes, as well as enemies to rivals. I relate most to Silver, closely followed by Shadow and Sonic.

I look forward to whatever awaits! You can find my Ao3 here ^_^

I am a coffee addict. I like to spoil my cat with all the cuddles. I use primarily they/them, but I do accept he/him as well.

My brother looked at my playlist of a wide mix of different genres of music that seemingly have nothing to do with each other and called me a nerd and I haven't recovered lmao he's not wrong but that's besides the point

I'm five-ish flavours mentally ill; I'm disabled and have c-ptsd. pls be gentle with me

I'm here, I'm queer, and sometimes I swear I'm running only on sheer spite.

You can also check out my insta, if you like, but I'll probably mostly be on Ao3 or here.

Earlier above, I said that I'm a multi-ship writer as well as a gen fic writer. Sometimes I'll write pairings as platonic, sometimes romantic. Some I only write a pairing as platonic and some I might only write as romantic, but the latter happens far less often than the former. 

I have a large variety of fics in my docs. I love collecting merch when I can afford.

I'm always down for making a friend, I may have difficulty keeping up with friendships though, it's always been something I struggled with.

I'm autistic. So I'll be talking about it a lot lmao. I also really like learning about psychology, so I'll probably babble about it quite a bit.

I love writing different types of characterization on characters. I'm always down for listening to how peeps want specific characters written in a specific way. 

[I don't always agree with how Canon or fandom will characterize some characters, but that's one of the many, many reasons why I write. And I'm open for hearing how others want the characters written as well, it's fun!] 

I also love writing character studies! Like there's a series I have planned for Cream, and another I have planned for Amy. Later I'll def do more, but I wanna get some of my ideas fleshed out and posted.

Sonic holds place in quite a few of my core memories. The special interest returns every 2-6 years, but I'm pretty sure it's staying this time, even if I drop it for a few months to switch over to another special interest. 

I'll mostly post about the sonic fandom, but I will post psychology stuff, and there will be another area that will be found on this blog as well. 

Probably 60% sonic, 15% psychology, and 25% "politics"/spreading important information. Might have miscellaneous here and there ngl. 

---

This is a safe space. Ignorance and disrespect will not be tolerated. This blog is firmly anti-harassment.

Also, last note. If you're racist, xenophobic, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, bi/ace/any form of queer phobic, anti-semitic, I don't want you here. Either educate yourself or remove yourself from my blog.

Same goes for if you dehumanize or demonize mental disorders.

MAPs DNI. Anti-Choice DNI. Anti-Black DNI.

[hearth4days]

pls tell us about project sekai we see you guys post about it all the time but all we know is vocaloid rythme game + Tsukasa is a person who exists and probably sings?

so any sort of interesting plot stuff or just weird fun facts would be much appreciated

I put stars next to the people I can elaborate on if anyone cares 👀

(Tsukasa is indeed a person who exists and sings <33333 he is my blorbo)

Okay so the basic premise of the game (story-wise, gameplay-wise it's basically just a standard rhythm game) is that if a person or group of people have strong enough feelings, it makes like a parallel universe called a Sekai. A Sekai is basically like a manifestation of their feelings, and it has vocaloids in it that act like therapists. The story follows five bands and their Sekais.

Leo/Need

I have never seen a L/N fan

Their music style is rock, and they follow a school theme. Also stars

The basic synopsis of their story is that they were friends as kids but grew apart since Saki (blonde girl and Tsukasa's sister) got sick, and now they want to be friends again and start a band

Members include Ichika (black hair, she's such a flat character I cannot think of a single thing about her personality), Saki (very bubbly, her whole character is basically I'm Not Sick Anymore Let's Do Stuff), Shiho (grey hair, absolute bitch), and Honami (brunette, people pleaser)

More More Jump!

Nobody likes them either lmao

Their music is basically just. Cutesy pop shit?

The leader of their group wants to be an idol, so she works together with idols who quit for one reason or another to make a new idol group

Members include Minori (redhead, aspiring idol, very clumsy), Haruka (blue hair, Minori's favorite idol, idk I think she has self esteem issues??), Airi (pink hair, tsundere), and Shizuku (light blue hair, Shiho's sister, very dumb)

Vivid Bad Squad ⭐

They're the gayest bitches here, everyone likes them

Their music style is "street music" which I disagree with but w/e

They want to host a music event that's cooler than a different fictional music event. More importantly, two lesbians get together, team up with two gays, and then the gays break up and cry for several chapters before getting back together. Every story they have is about the lesbians supporting each other or the gays supporting each other. As bros though

Members include Kohane (blonde girl, new to the music scene and a bit shy), An (black and blue haired girl, every wlw loves her, very confident), Akito⭐ (orange and yellow hair, bitch but in a loving way this time), and Touya⭐ (he looks like Shouto Todoroki, very autistic, daddy issues <3)

Wonderland x Showtime ⭐

Definitely the most popular group

Theatre kids <3

A bunch of gay people want to help Emu (pink hair) keep her grandfather's theme park going, so they form a theatre troupe. Their main antagonist is their various mental illnesses and capitalism

Members include Tsukasa⭐ (blonde boy, scrungly, definitely has NPD and autism/pos, forgot most of his childhood because trauma, makes looking after his sister his entire personality, loud bitch, omg), Emu (very peppy, imagine Pinkie Pie is a high schooler), Nene (green haired girl, gamer, has social anxiety, another tsundere), and Rui⭐ (purple and blue hair, social outcast, very into robots and explosions)

Nightcord at 25:00 ⭐

Nightcord being Discord and 25:00 being 1 am. Which. Mood. My favorite unit

They get the #broken music <3

A bunch of depressed teenagers form an online band, and now they're attached and are trying to cure each others' mental illnesses through the power of codependency and love

Members include Kanade⭐ (white hair, autism personified, savior complex), Mafuyu⭐ (purple hair, gifted kid syndrome, also very autistic), Ena⭐ (brown hair, pspspsps Seth you wanna kin her so bad /hj, has an inferiority complex, another tsundere, Akito's sister), and Mizuki⭐ (pink hair, basically canon transfemme 😳, stop repressing your emotions bbgirl)

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/17 English

BGM: New Order - Fine Time

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the food court at AEON, where I wrote today's poem with the music by Cluster and Eno. After that, I read Shuntaro Tanikawa's poems. I am so maniac that recently I read poems only like this day by day. Yesterday, I was said by the staff from "Hon no Kura" that "How about making YOUR collection of poetry by yourself?". I said at that time "Thank you, but I have just written a few poems only". So I think about that idea. If I can enrich my collection/archive more, then I will make my book of poetry. I also think about the collaboration with a friend of mine who is a YouTuber. Poetry reading, or affording my poetry to the melody he makes... I also think about giving my poems to another friend's painting (but I need her permission). My dream is increasing. I am so simple person that thinking creation like this will make me happy certainly. I remember Kiyoshi Miki, a Japanese philosopher. The ideas which are coming from my mind flood to the world, and they will make others happy (I believe so). That's happiness... I am glad to make my poetry today again.

I started today's work, and suddenly thought of the idea "Someday I'll die". Indeed, it's not today. But I had kept on drinking so heavily with having the idea that "I can die anytime" and "I wanna die soon", so I can feel that my body becomes wrong partially. Now I think that "I wanna live more". Living more, and writing what I have experienced. I want to live as long as possible, and more and more. I want to make my book of poetry collection, and also try to read my ones actually by myself. How about opening my voice on any podcast? If I got time, I would do what I could do. But then, I need to say to myself as "Live more" and "Stay firm". Indeed, once I had lived really lazily with the emotion of "I wanna die" and "That's over". But that day, that moment... since the time I was said that "Your English is really clear" and "Very cool", I walked a long way until here. At last, I started making my own poetry in English. Luck always rules us, but I want to sing my songs as loud as possible until this life's end, with burning my fire fully.

But... I am basically lucky because I could have lived until now. I have lived a really troublesome, chaotic life. From my childhood I have had to face the difficulty to live. I even had to be bullied. After that, I joined a university but I couldn't make any friend... and I also had to struggle with my work. Because since I had found that I am autistic, my bosses couldn't understand what the autism was (but I don't want to blame them because the concept of autism was unknown yet). I had to live those hurtful days. Everyday I drank a lot of alcohol, and thought that I would die at my 40 (like Franz Kafka). After that, I met my friends finally. That brought me the support of job coaches and also the meeting about autism. My life changed actually. I had lost my whole hope in future within the first 40 years of my life... but now I can live a happy life. That makes my life "even". I want to write these things into my poems. I once had been soaked into my wishes/daydreaming, and thought "But I can't do so" and "I have no skill of realizing that". If I were in my 20s and 30s, I would live without making any poems like now. I would live not to be hurt, just running away from actual troubles.

Then, I think that now I am really "brave" and "courageous". The reason why I started writing my poetry was just the emotion had moved me as "I wanna write MINE". In other words, anyone never asked me to do so. Now I am showing my crap to the world... Today I worked 8 hours so got exhausted. After my work, I posted the rewrote version of today's poem in my blog, and slept a lot (my vitality got empty). Life seems long so I don't want to be hurry. I want to read global poetry, and also learn from great hip hop. How about writing free verse and proses besides sonnets? My dream/ambition seems unlimited. I must be a dreamer. But I can't have make them realized by any actual solution. When I had made our little magazine, we couldn't keep a good relationship so broke up. I threw the writing of mine at that period away (I couldn't love my writings, and myself either). Now I have many friends. If I get time, I read my poetry again, and also try to record them. That might be the beginning.

Morning Reading

I always enjoy reading books with good music's flavor For me, reading is a kind of creation. It's not a labor If I didn't read at all, my engine would lose its vapor As getting older, I started enjoying great books' fine savor

A sunny morning, the mood is very, very awesome What music I play? I try to Brian Eno's songs to welcome I won't say pop tunes are just crap. I also like the WHAM! And during that reading time my mouth moves. I do hum

A happy cozy time, but the place gets crowded The day is just starting, I remember what Rilke said He enjoyed real street sound, instead of staying in the bed

Yes, Once I hated people. I thought their coming was an arart But my life is clearly changing. Like trendy songs in the hit chart Then my change like this could become a part of my art?

[caffeinated-and-annoying-bard]

Yesterday i made an A:TLA reference in front of my parents and i had a realization

they think i'm a total nerd

They know that I like reading fantasy and musical theatre and kid's shows and green mythology that I don't go out much and stuff like that

To them, I am an absolute nerd. If not that, a geek (and a disappointment, but today we're talking about my euphoria)

That kinda led me through a personality euphoria chain of thoughts

I'm 15. I'm awkward. I'm most probably autistic/adhd, if not both. I love A:TLA, TOH, I love musical theatre, I love Zelda and Undertale and Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley and New Super Mario Bros Nintendo DS (that specific one) and I was a Harry Potter kid from ages 7-12 (before I found out about JKR) and I have a huge collection of different fantasy book sagas I read as a kid/still am reading now. I had a huge anime phase from 2020 to mid 2022. I most probably have anxiety. I have a (girl) best friend, she lives 2 hours away, I have a (trans boy) best friend. He is a year older and goes to another school, I have known him since 1ro de secundaria/7th grade, (+I have a crush on him but that's for later. I am a blankie kid. I am nervous like 60% of the time. I am a Will Wood fan. I am genderqueer. I am not sure of my sexuality or gender yet (I am sure it isn't straight, though). I am the one who got my school best friends together. I love cats. My friends often tell me i'm a dragon cat (that and autistic) (and joto). I'm AFAB. I probably have mommy issues. I'm the eldest daughter/child. I am an avid Ao3 consumer. I love PJO and other Rick Riordan books. I sleep with a heavy blanket. I want to write a fantasy story, and i've already written down a lot of the básic needs for it. I often feel dumb, but others tell me I am smart, and that confuses me. Even more when my friends call me stupid too. I went to a small Montessori school for most of my life (I think it traumatized me to some grade). I have green eyes and iris coloboma. I am insecure on my voice, my hands, my stomach full of scars, my thighs, my intelligence, and my personality in general. I am.

I often think about that one lyric of Juliet, by Cavetown: "I wanna make a colour that no one else has seen before, I want to be so much more"

For this moment, I feel like I am. Like i finally have a personality. All my childhood, I felt like my personality had to be about being smart and/or the book I was currently reading. For a moment, I felt like I actually had a personality of my own

It is like the opposite of depersonalization. It felt kind of nice, so I will post it here, maybe i'll need to remind myself of that

When I finished writing the last paragraph, the feeling went away. I feel like absolute trash again. But I think it was worth it to spill everyting I know about myself, because sometimes I don't know anything.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my desperate attempt of hoping one day I can become a human, and not just a collection of human parches I've found in my search for a soul

[0ceanoflight]

My thoughts on Gaya Sa Pelikula now that I've watched all 8 eps.

Cause I need to write down my thoughts and Twitter's character limit just isn't enough so thank you tumblr. This is gonna be a rant

Also, just wanna say this is from the point of view of a gay trans masc enby, aka me.

First impression

Gaya Sa Pelikula is just.... Wow. It's hard to describe. I originally watched it cause some moots on Twitter kept talking about it and they recommended it to me. It doesn't take much for me to watch a gay show, so of course I checked it out. At the time I think maybe 2-3 eps were out.

I knew nothing about the plot. I had no expectations for it. Just hoping it didn't have any problematic stuff in it, hopefully some cute stuff, same as any other gay show. It was just some show to watch to pass the time. I was wrong. It's so much more than just a good show. It's rare for me to get THIS emotionally invested into a show.

From the first ep I thought "Oh, this is pretty realistic lol. I've said stuff like this", referring to Vlad's lines. That continued as I watched the remaining available eps. Later my moots mentioned that it was written by a gay man and I understood right away. GSP is a gay show with the intention of being very realistic. It wasn't just gay for entertainment's sake. It was gay for the sake for real gay people.

Characters

The characters are so well written. They are flawed. They're not perfect. They all have their own struggles that you wouldn't know until you sat down and talked to them. Their lines and personalities are real. They feel real. I've met people like that. I have friends like that. I see myself in them. Also the acting is incredible. Really brought it to the next level.

The Music

A golden sound track. Every song just fit. It felt like the songs were made for that scene. The lyrics, the vibe. There were so many times when I thought that lyrics perfectly fit the scene in a way that would make me connect even more to what was happening. Really couldn't have been better. 10/10.

The visuals and plot devices

The way everything seems to have a purpose. Everything seems to be interconnected. There were so many things that were mentioned earlier in the episode, or I'm previous episodes that you originally didn't fully understand, then they would come back and suddenly *mindblown*.

The lines in the first prom dancing scene in the first ep. The ghost stories (still blows my mind). Vlad not liking his hair being touch which wasn't explained till later. The keychain. The theme song test. The movie they were watching about the imaginary beach (I forgot the name). The reason behind Judit's seemingly fake/weird ally speeches. The reason why Karl always seemed so stiff and awkward. The closet. The orca. The remote. Ect.

All of that came back later in the show and added so much depth. The metaphors used seemed to almost add extra explainations. Like... they didn't just give more layers of complexity, but it gave us a stronger understanding of what was going on. Or at least it made it more emotional. Idk. I was just one of he people who read posts of others dissecting the show cause I'm not as good. Lol.

Also there were beautiful scenes visually. Karl's dance scene. Beautiful. The film scenes outside, looked gorgeous. The use of mirrors and the TV. Great. Awesome

Connections

There were a lot of things I connected to.

Vlad's lines like I mentioned above were among the first. I've personally said or thought very similar things. Or even those exact things. I was actually shocked at first. By how real that felt for me.

Vlad being lonely, but faking it. Aha. I'm an introvert, and people know it. As much as I need space, I get lonely very easily as well. And friends online sometimes aren't enough. It's not the same as having someone there. With covid, and the fact that all of my friends live far away or are normally too busy to meet up, I very rarely am actually with friends. It almost hurts tbh. Especially since I'm a very affectionate person. Also the gay yearning hours are real and powerful.

Karl's dance scene, letting out the inner femininity. So I'm a bit different. I never came out as gay. I'm a gay trans guy. People already knew, or assumed, I liked men. However I did have the struggle of inner femininity. I hated fem things up until I was maybe 15-16, maybe almost 17. I didn't know why I hated it, I just did. Clearly now I know why. However my evolution to being a fem guy from hating fem things happened around the same time as discovering I'm not actually a girl. It was confusing 3 years (yes it took me about 3 years to piece everything together, a bit longer to settle). My point is, once I opened up to fem things, it was beautiful. It really really was. I felt more comfortable. I felt freer. I went from "ew makeup, skirts, leggings, pink. I hate it". To wearing makeup, wearing leggings, liking pink, often painting my nails. I've worn pretty short shorts with a loose t-shirt and a cardigan. Peak fem. Felt great. I want to wear a skirt, but I'm too afraid to do that. I may feel better with being fem, but society is still society and I might get looks cause "wtf, a man wearing a skirt?". Maybe one day. Uhhh anyways. The times I've grown to become more fem felt like how watching Karl dance felt like. Just like that.

Karl's struggle with his sexuality. Ok again I can't relate on the gay part, cause my coming out was coming out at trans. However yea. That was an adventure. I remember being so confused in 8th grade & 9th grade. God that was.... something. At first I thought I just wanted to be more tomboyish, more androgynous. So I found androgynous girls with short hair and said "I want this". Everyone was confused. My friends said "is there a reason you cut your hair so short?". I was afraid of that question. At the time I didn't know why I was so afraid. I don't remember exactly what I said, but tbh I was pretty defensive. Of course I later realized why I felt that way. I remember finally figuring things out after I settled into knowing I was trans, I didn't know how to come out. I couldn't say it directly. In fact, I never did. To my friends I just said "he/him, they/them pronouns" when asked at events, and of course they knew, but didn't ask more. In fact one friend found out cause I wrote "agender" on a form cause he looked over my shoulder. For my family... I just dropped a big hint, and they understood something was up. I wasn't able to explain it well then either. It took another 2-3 months till I couldn't take it anymore and did my best to explain it better so they would take it seriously. I was afraid. I couldn't say it directly. I actually didn't come out to my my high school. I was too afraid. I had friends who were out and I was jealous. I was jealous of their bravery. Same as Karl to Vlad. I was out to friends, but couldn't be open in the real world, much like Karl. I was only out within the space of the GSA, and of the local lgbt center. That was my "apartment". It was only until after i graduated where I promised myself I would live my real self.

The prom dance scene. I missed my high school's prom too. I wasn't brave enough to wear a suit. That would be like coming out and I wasn't ready. So I missed that. I wouldn't have been able to be open of course. I went to the senior dinner. I guess that was the start of me trying to be open. I went in a suit. Tailored men's dress pants too. I went with friends.

Wanting to write my own stories. That's a big one isn't it? I never really do see myself in films or tv. An autistic mentally ill gay trans masc enby? Yea, not a thing. Not a popular role in hollywood, will never be. I'm not a writer, I wanted to be as a kid, I was going to go to uni for writing, but I'm not really good enough for that. I really really do want to see more of myself in media. I wish I could be able to create such things for other people as well. Cause things like Gaya Sa Pelikula are truly magical. It literally made me cry whenever something I related to happened.