#i want to cry and vomit

[dangerousdan-dan]

.

[vaaarnarebog]

i am so fucking tired ...

the world says to me, every fucking day:

chill (stich your mouth closed)

smile (in the face of casual cruelty)

you are doing as much as you can (it will change nothing)

i beg them, every day, on my knees:

don’t pay for murder and rape, i know you like it, i know it’s hard not to pay for murder and rape, but please consider this other choice which involves no murder, no rape and a bonus of us not dying in fire in a few years.

i am exhausted from my thoughts going in circles

i love and respect and like people close to me > they pay for needless cruelty > no one is perfect > but you HAVE A CHOICE>

this never ending argument with myself spills out - i snap on the people who are at least trying to do something (thank you, it’s not enough, but thank you)

Im angry i am violent i will rip my own throat out, ill saw my hands off, ill step into bear traps because i refuse to hurt anyone. every time i think about it i crack a little more. i flirt with death every week, we have a date in the dark of the night after a dinner with my loved ones. i don’t know what to do. nothing i do is enough. i am not even the victim of this cruelty i just know about it and consider it wrong, but that makes me the bad bad guy.

for now i have the ability to smile and say “thank you for doing what you can“ and later carve “it’s not enough it’s nothing THEY’RE SUFFERING AND DYING and you have the choice and the ability to stop paying for it, but you will not” in my skin and ill keep walking, tears falling to the ground and disappearing in the rivers of blood under my bare feet.

[omgthatdress]

United States of America! Part 2!

Cowboy boots, Steston Shoe Co., 1910-1920, The FIDM Museum

[strawberrryangel]

“there’s things, there’s people, feelings, that i want to experience differently than i have before, maybe even for the first time.” i’ll throw up. right now.

[crucefix]

kendall embracing roman while pushing his cuts against his shoulder to split them open, offering him both comfort and punishment (and for roman they’re the same thing), roman hating ken and being comforted by it at the same time, kendall knowing it’s what roman ‘needs’ and also using it as a means to put roman in his place, making him subservient and small, roman letting out that groan of relief because he can’t deal with internal pain and emotions so he needs it to be translated into physical pain instead. sick

[starry-bi-sky]

I'm having incoherent thoughts about clone danny again from the clone/clone^2 au (when am I not?) but more specifically I'm thinking about his reaction to finding out he's a clone. The standalone clone au digs into that a little more than clone^2, which is more focused on Danny and Damian's relationship. But neither (so far) really get into Danny's issues about finding out he's a clone after 15 years of thinking he wasn't.

Because he resents his parents for not telling him for so long. He resents the way he found out; through a trivial school project rather than a sit-down talk. He resents the fact that, apparently, they had meant to tell him sooner. But forgot. He resents the fact that they never told him because finding out feels like something was stolen from him when it had the chance to not be.

Danny Fenton, just fifteen, cloned not even half a year ago, knows what that personal violation of autonomy feels like. He knows what it's like to be cloned and while he loves Ellie, he does, she's his sister, and in this au his twin. But he is still left with that feeling of unsafety after realizing he'd been cloned. Being cloned is violating. The onset realization that it's so easy to get DNA without the other party noticing, and that what was stopping someone from trying to clone him again?

Followed only after with the rest of the inexplainable mix of feelings of being cloned, the rest of that inner conflict and panic that's an ugly mocktail of emotions that range from horror to fear. Trying to imagine what it's like to be cloned from the cloned party, and I imagine that it leaves you with the feeling of needing to crawl out of your own skin with discomfort.

And then he gets put on the other side of it. Danny Fenton, only fifteen, was cloned not even half a year ago, finding out he is a clone. And reactions, I imagine, can vary from person to person. But to him, it feels like something got stolen from him, like someone took a hole puncher and stuck it right into his chest and stole a chunk of himself from him.

It changes nothing about him and yet it changes everything. It's a betrayal on it's own to just find out he was a clone and they didn't tell him for fifteen years -- it shouldn't mean anything, because he's still Danny, and yet it means everything. It's him, it's him, it's about him. It's his personhood. It's about the fact that a load-bearing rock in his identity just crumbled beneath his feet and now there's a rockslide.

Because then he finds out that they used the wrong DNA. Its like pouring salt in an open wound. He's not even related to his parents or his sister, when for years he thought he was. It's the fact that pieces of his identity that he's been so secure in for so long just got ripped away from him in an instant. Then they tell him -- only through his own horrified prompting -- that the person whose DNA they used -- Bruce Wayne -- didn't even know he existed. That they accidentally used the wrong DNA, then didn't tell the person whose DNA they used.

The betrayal of being lied to for years turns really quickly into horror at his own existence. Something very similar to the horror he felt at being cloned and the skin-crawling discomfort that made him feel like his own skin wasn't really his. And then its not. It's actually not. Nothing but his own name feels like it belongs to him anymore -- not his hair, not his eyes, not his heart or his lungs, nothing feels like his anymore and he didn't know what that felt like until it was gone.

It's a question of Nature Vs. Nurture -- where does the line of "nature" begin and where does the line of "nurture" end? What of him is actually his? What of him is Bruce Wayne's? It's not logical, it's not supposed to be. It's a load-bearing wall on the house of his identity being destroyed and now everything else is caving down in on him. What belongs to Danny, what belongs to Bruce Wayne?

[chaoticbardlady99]

You never thought you wouldn’t make it in time to save Astarion and yet- here you are, holding the soulless corpse of your lover.

His ruby eyes are dim, but the look of terror and grief is still etched into his beautiful face.

You killed Cazador right as he finished the ritual, but it was too late- the damage had already been done.

You’ve been screaming and trying to bargain with death for almost 2 hours now- the smell of his cologne fading every second and your hope diminishing even faster.

Eventually Lae’zel and Karlach drag your screaming, shaking form away while Halsin and Shadowheart prepare him for burial.

You say good bye to him that night, but you fall asleep on the freshly dug grave and pray to every God alive that this is just a nightmare.

[arcanewonder]

<< [ ♥ ] >>

[inpursuitofnunchi]

there are very few dramas that burrow their way so deep into my heart that they become a part of my soul, my conscience - don't get me wrong, i like/love A LOT of dramas (im a serial liker/lover you can say) - but with some dramas, it's like I have a perpetual hangover. Kinda like "the one - kdrama version" (assume the one to be a group with a small number of elements) (sorry my stem ass is showing) (also sorry for the endless brackets, my adhd is also showing)

Anyway, the point is i am pretty sure that Love Next Door is on the verge of joining this set already inhabited by Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha, Misaeng and My Mister.

[steveshairychest]

Robin and Steve are both gender fluid, bad at talking to girls, bad at math, and they fit into each other's clothes rather easily. They usually start the day in one outfit, but by the end of the day, bits and pieces of their outfits have swapped.

Steve's leaves family video one afternoon wearing the baggy shirt Robin came in wearing, and Robin's got on the sweater Steve wore and she's rolled up the sleeves to show off some of the bracelets she stole from Steve as well.

They even swap shoes sometimes because either Robin has big feet or Steve has small feet, it's a fight they have constantly, but it works out well when Steve doesn't want to wear the pretty heels anymore while they're out clubbing.

Robin hates heels, but she can walk in them, and she doesn't mind the added height it gives her; allowing her to tower over pretty girls. She loves the way they blush and stare up at her in awe.

Steve only wanted to swap shoes so that he could flutter his eyelashes up at the pretty bartender with curly hair that was taller than him.

[jellanimatez]

silly straws :3 (they're so sickening)

[vinnyandthephenomena]

if i get sad i should think about jay & tim living a happy life together and i may feel better. in my head they live in a suburban (far far away..) apartment together & have a kitty cat and are learning to work through their trauma. they most likely aren’t healthy together & have trauma bonded. i think they’d be deathly afraid of losing each other .. still, life would be tremendously difficult even post MH. i don’t think it would’ve gotten that much better honestly. but at least they have eachother. right? i believe they could try to start a new life & leave everything behind, but they would never be able to live a completely “normal.” life. i can see the both of them craving normalcy. the best they can manage, that is. the thought of tim doing his best to help jay is comforting at least. even if he isn’t doing any better than he is.

if i want to be delusional i can tell myself they are not endlessly tortured. (they are.)

even so, post MH still wouldn’t be that much easier or alot better. by any means. i do like to think tim would be able to move on. (although, i doubt it.) especially with blaming himself for everything & the series of events. (that happened in general.) i feel like he’d miss jay, too. one of the only other close relationships he ever had than brian. another loss. (“at fault of his own.”) i feel like anything remotely good in his life was never going to last. unfortunately.

or maybe terribly reminisce on what he’s able to remember? i think he would choose not to dwell on it for his own wellbeing .. but we all give into things that will destroy us in the end. things out of our control? on one hand, it’s never really over. tim would still have to live with the events the rest of his life; and it will continue and be with him the entirety of it. what a tragedy huh? he could block everything out and start a new life; but i don’t think he could ever truly escape.

[muchmossymess]

GUYS okay hear me out majoras mask boat boys au

I love legend of zelda I love boat boys this is like the ultimate combination of my interests you cannot understand the brainrot. Idk what to call it yet tho... majoras minecraft? Anyway prepare for an essay

OKAY so we have the Hero of Time, Etho, who stopped ganons plans before they started, and would be stuck in a child's body if not for the fact I think that'd be a lil weird for the more shippy aspects of this au that all the running through time aged his soul and his body followed suit (he's still got a young appearance, and the mask doesn't make him look older like he thinks). Same reason he has the scar over his eye (from the ganon fight); no matter how much the body may heal or rewind the mind will not forget.

Then navi (maybe bdubs?) left him, and he went with epona (maybe bdubs instead? (eponas a horse iydk)) and he sets out on a journey aka the beginning of mm:

Wandering through the woods on epona, gets jumped by skull kid. For those unaware, there is skull kid, a lonely lil sweetheart, and he wears the mask, an entity on its own. He also has two fairies, siblings tael and tatl.

So I was a little unsure about this for a while, but I think I've decided on grian for the skull kid and Jimmy for tael, grian bc watchers and Jimmy bc skull kid is not very nice to tael (bc of the mask) and like a listeners reference or smth blah blah blah

TATL. that's who's interesting. At the beginning she gets separated from her friends and becomes your companion. So naturally for this au she is our favourite joel smallishbeans. It works so well. Tatl is mean but cares, and that's joels dynamic with the bad boys and with etho, guys it's literally perfect idc what you say

I think it doesn't change much throughout like the story of the game, but just taking dialogue tatl says to link and its so perfect for a sassy joel to a "can't believe I'm dealing with this shit again" etho. Uh one thing different though; in hylian form etho doesn't have an ocarina but instead a mini marimba. Just because. I think it's cool, and for potential things later on.

Now, fairies in this au are just tiny glowing people shaped things with wings. The glow around them is their magic, and depending on emotions/energy the brightness changes (thats why they look like flying balls of light). Some fairies have the ability to make projections of themselves, more hylian sized in nature. This can be intimidation or distraction or w/e, but they cant do it for long periods of time bc its exhausting. These forms aren't physical. Just sized up light projections of their actual bodies.

So for a lot of their journey, joel is just a cute pocket sized ball of rage and sarcasm, who helps with ethos aim for fighting. Bc that's a game mechanic and also ethos like half blind. But like when joel calms down imagine him crawling into ethos hat and just dozing off. He can fit in the palm of your hand like guys it's so cute. But he is also capable of being worse than a mozzie

Oh probably a good point to put in what I imagine etho looks like. So it's typical link green (maybe a bit dampened?), weird pointy hat, short hair (white ofc), his shirt is more of a jacket with a fluffy cold weather collar, it's a bit too big for him but he knows he'll grow into it, he's all knobbly and thin (underfed a lil, boy was never taught how to care for himself beyond basic survival). His injured eye is red bc of ganon, and often gives him phantom pains. It can't be healed.

Anyway, at some point in their journey together, etho and joel learn a song that let's fairies have a larger physical form, no wings, sorta like the great fairies (who they learnt it from prolly). It isn't permanent, slowly draining ethos magic meter, the spell ends when you run out of magic. This is because I want them to actually be able to stand side by side or maybe hug, and also bc its hard to block a blow with your body when ur tennis ball sized.

Aaaaand, this ties back in with with marimba. What if ethos injured, or unconscious, and he obviously can't defend himself, so joel panics and plays the marimba in what he hopes is the right order to give himself a body. I imagine that being that small, you could not play an ocarina. And hey maybe joel carries etho away after that, and when the spell ends he has barely any light emitting from himself because he spent nearly all his magic (what he is made of) saving etho.

But this song isn't used much, because of its draining nature, and you can't really do any other magic things while it's going. So it's mostly just in the final fight (over and over) or tough moments or maybe joel wants to experience something like hoe hylians do. It's obviously inferior to how he experiences things as a fairy, of course, he's just curious thats all. He totally doesn't want etho to do it more.

Okay I think ill sorta stop here, I am NOT done, I will probably post some art I've done for this later lol, and I want help with who everyone else is (mumbo is the moon. You cannot stop me nor change my mind) with mcyts to npcs

[dawnbreakersgaze]

☆ "𝓖𝓾𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓶𝓮, 𝓞 𝓡𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓼,

𝓖𝓾𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓶𝓮, 𝓞 𝓛𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓶𝓽𝓼, 𝓽𝓸 𝓼𝓮𝓮𝓴 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓮𝓬𝓱𝓸𝓼" ☆

[introspectivememories]

I FORGOT I EVEN SENT THAT ASK AND YOUR RESPONSE HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK OHMSYGODDFJDJ

I seriously love your writing so much you always put a heap of emotion into it 😭😭

also adore the idea of TIM being the one who's obsessed with bear and going to such lengths just to keep seeing him, I tend to prefer happy endings so I like to think they work it out after a while but like also the angst is amazing

god the amount of yearning in this au makes me so mmmpfhhhf

god im just so sorry that it took me soo long to reply!!! you sent just as i was taking my break from tumblr and other social media :(((

i remember reading it and thinking to myself "god if i had the timbern brainworms, i could write smth for this" but then recently they've been coming back and i was a church bored out of my mind when i was like "hmmm maybe i should respond?"

and ohhh my god, when i first got it, i immediately thought about how toxic it could get and like, personally, i feel like i can't write complicated characters? if that makes sense? to me, im not very good at writing multi-dimensional characters. which to be fair, i never set out to become like a pulitzer prize winning author. i just do this for fun haha.

and like i knew that my answer to your ask was always gonna be toxic timbern but i didn't know if i could write it? ig??? bc like tim is a good person. he is!!! he just wants bear so badly. and it's past the initial physical attraction now.

he and bear are all grown up. he likes bear's wit and humor, well the wit and humor he gets to hear when bear doesn't know he's around. but bear wont let him in!!!! bear wont open himself up and tim's apologized!!!! he did!!! he doesn't even know what he did and he still apologized!!!!! and it changed nothing. bear doesn't talk to him or look at him or anything. nothing but polite professionalism.

and then one day, he sees bear on his balcony as he's swinging through the streets of gotham. and bear isn't doing anything special, he's just sitting there in sweats and no shirt and the moonlight hits his pecs just right and his shoulders are so broad and-

well he cant be blamed for stopping to take a peek, right? and maybe when he has has time he swings by more and more. just watching for longer and longer, until one day bear catches him. and as they stare at each other from opposite sides of the street, tim thinks this is it. the cold glances and frosty words are going to come back. bear's never gonna just sit on his balcony again. he's lost this too. but then-

oh.

bear sends him a hesitant wave and tim raises a trembling hand to wave back. and bear- well bear's mouth splits into a smile brilliant enough to rival the sun. beautiful like the sunrise. the promise of a new beginning. if he closes his eyes, tim thinks he can feel the sunlight's warm rays on him.

hes' hooked after that. he comes around again and again. one day bear lets him on the balcony. weeks later, bear's hugging him. weeks after that, tim's in bear's lap. and he knows it's not right. that bear thinks he's someone else. that bear doesnt want anything to do with him but how is he supposed to let this go? how is he supposed disentangle himself from bear's arms?

so he lies and he lies and he prays to any and every god he can think of, that he'll get to keep this. plus he's not really lying to bear, he's just... not talking about it! if bear asks, he'll tell him point blank. he swears it. but that's a problem for another day. things are looking up! bear said more than 5 sentences to him the other day and yesterday? he even got a small smile. it'll all work out. he'll be fine.

[munchboxart]

This is more of a personal topic, but I wanna talk about the pressures of art and the "need"/chase for social media "interactions" (likes, comments, etc.). I'm not sure how how common of an issue this is, but I've seen oomf worry about this and I just wanna talk about my experience with it.

So undoubtedly there was a shift in the way I upload (I mean look at me now, I'm yapping instead of drawing). As in how I used to be more active and invested more time in them, but nowadays I rarely share art. For the past 7+ years I've been online, I've mainly drawn to get an online presence over my own personal interest or growth (in skill, but when those do align, it's usually more of just a bonus). And recently, I've given up on that (recently as in, this year compared to the amount of years I poured energy into building a presence), and I've never been happier!

I keep mentioning how happy it makes me and I really can't stress that enough. I've been able to play more games that I want and spend more time in consuming media rather than worrying about the next art piece of the week. And the difference between consistently drawing vs sometimes drawing in terms of improvement has not changed much I think. Hell, I think I've been able to improve much faster in a shorter time frame since I've been looking at more media now compared to drawing thing of the week.

I'm grateful that I was a little luckier and have been able to build up a small audience, and for said audience that's stuck with me so far, and I am still a little "social media"-brained, but I don't think the crushing weight of your own expectations to upload on a consistent schedule is worth over actually enjoying your life. Or if you want to think about it this way, do you want or think you can live like that for the next 5 years, or next 10 years, or more?

And I wanna note, for the past 7+ years of uploading art, I've always been critical of my own art. Trying to one-up yourself and have yourself be your own competition is good! But not to the point where you hate every piece that you make or that you think you did something wrong because a piece or multiple pieces are flopping.

Oh my god I didn't even think about how I sometimes shift art styles to see which one is more popular, it made me so depressed good god. It's a tale as old as time and I never realized how important it was until I stopped caring about it all, but literally just draw what makes you happy, even if that means you don't want to draw for a while if nothing comes up in your brain.