#i was really weirded out these past couple days because my back pain is almost nonexistent...

[uncanny-tranny]

The frustrating thing about having good days with pain or bodily irritation or mobility or whatever else isn't that it's a "good day." It's the feeling that you are either greatly exaggerating your suffering or worse, that you're secretly wanting attention/admiration for your suffering. I think people sometimes are confused as to why good days in terms of disability can be distressing to some, but it is precisely that you almost... overthink the Implications of good days.

It isn't that you want to be suffering, it is that you are taught you will only be "worthy" of help if you are suffering in the Right way (and having any good days are often seen as a sign that you aren't "truly worthy").

[fincalinde]

for your ask meme: wei wuxian?? 👀

Since I've got some new followers over the past couple of days (who knew what branching out from Xiyao would do for my reputation!), I'll once again add the disclaimer that I write MDZS meta and not CQL meta. I'm aware that in CQL, WWX is characterised somewhat differently. I have thoughts on that too, but I'm not immersed enough in CQL to commit to sharing them publicly.

Since WWX is the main character and appears in almost every scene, I won't attempt to write a thesis statement on him. (You cannot afford my hourly rate.) Instead I've decided to focus on an aspect of WWX that I feel is often overlooked or sanitised. That is to say:

WWX is extremely annoying.

He's not just irritating, or overly exuberant, or a touch too arrogant. He is infuriatingly obnoxious.

Obviously WWX is also brave and often well-meaning. He loves deeply, even if he consistently lets down the people who care about him. He's strong-willed enough to abide by his own sense of morality in the face of overwhelming disapproval and danger, and arrogant enough to make unilateral decisions when it would be better for all concerned if he took a step back. He's bad at big picture thinking and rarely considers the full ramifications of his actions, but he's also incredibly adept at getting out of scrapes, and he has an admirable if also somewhat depressing ability to shrug off pain and suffering that is the result of his difficult days on the streets and his mistreatment by YZY. 

And he's obnoxious.

I do think it often gets forgotten, because Wangxian is intended to be a love story and it's much more tempting to write sweeping romance and charming banter than hark back to all the canonical moments in which characters, including LWJ, genuinely want to throttle him to death.

He never shuts up! He's constantly laughing far too loudly and for too long. He's the sort of person who thinks it's funny to pull the rug out from under someone in a conversation so they end up discomfited and embarrassed. I fully understand that a large part of his hectoring LWJ is a precursor to his later romantic interest and is in line with his flirtation style, but the fact remains that he goads LWJ beyond the point of endurance on multiple occasions. LWJ just happens to be a weird dude who's really into it.

A good example of what I mean is when Wangxian encounter each other at Phoenix Mountain. WWX asks LWJ if he's ever kissed someone, then proceeds to speculate that LWJ has never been kissed and will never be kissed. LWJ doesn't seem to mind this at first, and only becomes angered when WWX lies about having been kissed before himself (oh LWJ), but it's important to remember that WWX has no idea that LWJ has any interest in him whatsoever. From WWX's perspective, he's just having fun belittling someone else over a topic that for most young people is a sensitive one. I don't want to oversell this moment and claim that it's bullying, actually, but I do want to use it to highlight that WWX is not always a considerate person and this type of behaviour is teeth-achingly thoughtless and cringeworthy.

I could go on, but if you pick any given scene including WWX you're likely to see dialogue in which he's being actively annoying to other characters, intentionally or otherwise. This isn't an attack on him, just an observation that in order to write him in a canon consistent manner he should be not just witty and chatty in a way where other characters simply roll their eyes and keep going. He should genuinely actually aggravate them and it should have consequences within the scene. Characters such as JC and WQ care about WWX but also find him infuriating, and that's with good reason—never mind the juniors, whom WWX takes pleasure in messing with. There are many characters who feel great respect and affection for WWX, and every single one of them also regularly feels deep frustration and irritation towards him too. There should be some meat on the bones of any back and forth between them.

[musings-of-a-rose]

Since Forever

Pairing: Zach Wellison x f!reader

Word Count: 1150+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: @micheleamidalajedi ​ something happened with your official ask so I had to redo it this way! I am so THRILLED you requested my beloved and underrated Zach!

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Zach Wellison Masterlist

It took nearly dying while on tour for Zach to realize the one thing he would regret is not telling you how he feels about you. 

As he was laying in the medic tent being stitched up, all he could think about was you. Your laugh, your smile, the way you get this sparkle in your eyes whenever you talk about something you really love. 

He didn't know he was in love with you until that moment, just making it past the blast radius from a couple of handmade explosives and all he saw was you.

It makes sense though. Looking back on your life growing up together, Zach realized that he'd loved you since the moment you asked him to make mud pies for your wedding in kindergarten. He just didn't realize it until now. 

He hoped he wasn't too late.

Due to his injuries, he was sent home from his tour early. He’d be fine but they didn’t want people with injuries to be in the trenches, so to speak. The moment he stepped out of the airport, he hailed a cab, immediately giving the driver your address. 

Zach wipes his palms down his pant legs nervously, bouncing his leg rapidly to try and relieve some of the nerves. He’d faced giant desert spiders, starvation, dehydration, literal enemies trying to kill him, but this may be the death of him. All this waiting and the uncertainty of your answer. But he knows he has to tell you - he can’t spend another day alive without telling you. 

The cab pulls up to your home and Zach hands him some cash to cover the ride and a tip, thanking him as he practically launches himself from the cab. But once he’s at your door, he freezes, hand curled into a fist to knock on the door. 

What if she freaks out? 

What if she doesn’t feel the same? 

What if she tells me this is too weird and she never wants to see me again?

Before he can run and think more on this, the door opens and there you stand, in a tank top and little pajama shorts, looking half asleep. Shit, he’d forgotten how early it was with the time difference. She blinks and rubs her eyes, trying to focus on him.

“Zach?”

“Hey, Bean.”

She reaches out a hand, placing her palm on his chest. “It’s…you’re really here?”

“I am.”

Without hesitation, she jumps into his arms, flinging her own around his neck as she hugs him tight. He grunts in pain and he hates himself for ruining the moment for as soon as the sound left his lips, she lets go of him, dropping to the floor.

“What happened? You weren’t due back for another 4 months! Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?” She palming at his fatigues, as if she were trying to see through it.

“I was hurt, yeah-”

She gasps, hands flying to her mouth. “Are you ok?”

Zach grabs her by the shoulders to stop her from freaking out. “I’m ok, Bean. I mean, I almost wasn’t but I was lucky. They sent me home because they couldn’t have any injuries outside of minor scrapes and cuts-”

“IT’S MORE THAN MINOR??” Worry fills her eyes as she rakes them over his body.

“Bean, look at me.” Her eyes find his and he smiles at her. “I’m ok, really. They stitched me up and sent me home. If I wasn’t ok, I’d still be in the med tent.”

She nods and Zach is surprised to find tears falling from her eyes. “Can…can I hug you?”

Zach pulls her in immediately, moving her around where he has stitches and holds her tight. She holds him back and he hears her sniffling into his chest, so he kisses the top of her head. They stay like that for a minute before she pulls back, wiping at her face. 

“I’m s-sorry, Z-Zach. I l-left a w-wet m-mark on your cl-clothes.” She’s still coming down from the crying, her speech stuttered with sobs.

Zach cups her chin and lifts it to look at him. “Bean, it’s ok. I’m not worried about-”

Her lips press to his and he freezes, his brain trying to catch up with what was happening. She feels the same way?

But he takes too long to respond, his body frozen and she misinterprets his non response as a bad sign. She breaks the kiss and backs up a step, her arms wrapping around herself as she avoids eye contact with him.

“I-I’m sorry, Zach. I didn’t mean to fuck things up. Can we just forget about it and move on?”

Work, brain! Make words!

“No.”

Her eyes meet his briefly, filling with fresh tears that were caused by his blunt response. 

“Please, Zach. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

Zach shakes his head. “No, I meant I’m not forgetting the kiss.”

She sobs and takes a deep breath. “Can’t you? I don’t want to lose-”

His large hands come up to hold her face as he pulls her to him, pressing his lips to hers. His tongue gently brushes against her soft lips and she parts them, her hands coming up to fist in the fabric of his fatigues. She’s perfect and warm and here and she feels the same for him. She has to, right? She is kissing him. Or is this because he was injured overseas?

Zach pulls back, her head still in his hands as he stares into her eyes.

“Why did you kiss me?” He asks.

To his surprise, she shifts nervously, almost looking…embarrassed?

“Bean?”

“Because I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.”

His eyebrows raise as he takes her in, the same face he’s known practically his whole life, fully appreciating how breathtaking she was. 

“But if you don’t feel the same, that’s ok. We can forget it and I’ll just get over it and-”

“Don’t you dare.”

“I-what?”

Zach smiles, a little chuckle coming from his chest. “Don’t you dare forget those feelings.”

Her eyes finally find his. “Why?”

Zach makes sure she’s looking at him when he speaks. “Because I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.”

A smile slowly stretches across her face as she realizes what he’s said. “R-really?”

He pulls her face close to his, speaking low and quiet before kissing her. “I love you so much, Bean.”

She grips the fabric of his shirt and starts to pull him inside, Zach gently closing the door behind him with his foot, neither one of them breaking the kiss that they’d each longed for for so long.

—----

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[notebooknonbinary]

Byler Week, Day 2: 80s Movies (Peggy Sue Got Married, 1986)

(technically a sequel to this. All you need to know is that Mike and Will can read each other's minds--and they know that they like each other.)

Mike and Will are back in the Upside Down—in Hopper’s cabin. This time, at least, they’re not alone. Outside, Joyce and Hopper are keeping watch so they can get some sleep. Unfortunately, neither one of them can. So they’re just laying beside each other, listening to the faint murmuring of the couple outside. 

“Mom and I made up last week,” Mike finally murmurs into the quiet air. He sees Will immediately turn to face him. “Yeah? How did that go?”

“She apologized for putting all the secret keeping on me—aparently Nance really reamed her on that after the fight.”

“Well, good. You deserved to be apologized to.”

Mike hides his smile in the crook of his elbow, wondering if Will can feel how giddy Mike gets when Will defends him. (The answer, he suspects, is yes.)

“Thanks,” he whispers. “Then we watched a movie that came out recently? Honestly, it was kind of stupid—Peggy Sue Was Married? Or something like that—but me and Mom both kind of hated it, so we made fun of it together.” Will snaps his fingers. “Peggy Sue Got Married? El and I watched that one, I liked it until she got back with the cheating husband at the end—”

“—that's why Mom thought it was stupid. I guess she saw that’s where it was going and felt it would have ended better if Peggy decided to go through with the divorce.” Mike is silent for a long moment. He picks at the hangnail on his thumb. “Then she started crying and said that she’s been daydreaming about divorcing my dad.” “Oh, Mike…” “She said she’s held out for our sakes, and honestly I almost picked a fight with her about it. I wish they would divorce.”

Will reaches out and grabs Mike’s hand. “Maybe my Mom can talk to her about it after this is all done with.”

"Maybe."

Mike laces their fingers together, and leans over to press the briefest of kisses to their interlocked fingers.

They’re on the precipice of being in a relationship—having confessed and kissed, and accidentally formed a powers-bond—but unwilling to take that final step of calling each other boyfriends. 

If Mike were to lose Will…

He thinks back to the night after Will’s fake body was discovered (easy with Vecna’s recent reminder), those few hours where Mike had well and truly believed Will to be dead. And the hours afterwards where he’d remained terrified of Will slipping through his fingers forever.

He tightens his grip on Will’s hand, scooching just a bit closer to him. Will obligingly curls nearer to him, twinning their free hands together.

They fall asleep like this.

-

When Mike wakes up, it’s to the kind of crusty eyes he associates with late night crying sessions. He feels off and tired and like there’s too much stuff crowding his brain. He sits up, finding himself in his basement—but it’s also wrong.

It’s not the basement of the past year (messy with so many of his family friends living in it), but nor is it the basement in the Upside Down, cold and damp, but free of Vines.

It’s the basement of four years ago. Warm, filled with toys and Will’s drawings. 

When he looks at his hands, they’re tiny and scuffed from falling off his bike last night.

Wait, no, not last night. Four years ago.

Right?

He looks to the corner to see a tiny version of El, awake and fiddling with his old Walkie-Talkie, though nothing but static is coming through. No tiny voice singing. No Will.

Worry turns to painful anxiety and fear.

No no no please no. If, somehow, the following three years were just a dream thought up by a desperate twelve year old wishing that his favorite person were still alive…Mike doesn’t know if he’ll be able to survive that. Not Will, please not Will. A hiccuping sob escapes his chest.

He’s almost certain this isn’t another one of Vecna’s tricks, because things haven’t gone funky and weird like last time. But, he’d almost rather that it is Vecna, just so he can be certain that Will is coming to get him. That Will is still…

He lets out another painful quiet cry, curling in on himself. He hears El take a breath at the noise, but he ignores her.

Then, finally, Will’s mental voice breaks through the silent screaming in his mind. I’m here Mike.

Mike lets out another sob, this time of relief. Are you safe?

He’s hit with a second hand wave of exasperated fondness. As safe as I can be. I don’t think Henry knows we’re here. 

Mike sits back and scrubs the tears from his eyes. How are we here?

Some sort of powers thing? Will guesses. Time travel is new. We didn’t even do it like Marty McFly, we had to pull a Peggy Sue.

Mike bites back a laugh. It seems topical, considering their previous conversation. No Delorean for us, I guess.

Now that he’s aware of what’s going on, his mind has untangled a little bit. Somehow Mike can feel the presence of their younger selves, sat at the back of their minds and aware. His younger self has done the mental equivalent of curling around the younger Will like a feral cat, hissing when Mike prods their way, but otherwise calmer than he would expect them to be.

But then, Mike at this age would and did suspend a lot of disbelief in his crusade to get Will back. So older selves from the future probably isn’t too much of a reach.

Speaking of getting Will back, today is the day Joyce made brief contact with Will. If I can shepard the Party to your house, Mike wonders. Do you think we’d be able to get you out early?

A pause.

Yes please.

--

When I eventually get around to posting this on Ao3 it'll be longer--it's not quite finished, and Mike keeps going off into tangents about found families lolol. But i think this is a good stopping point :)

[shytastemakerthing]

If its alright, can I have a TWST matchup? Romantic and platonic if possible pls! Sorry if I overdid it I got a little anxious about what to put lol. Take your time and make sure to take care of yourself. 💙

I am about 5'6 with chest length brown hair that I am growing it out so I can do hairstyles with my sister. I'm nearsighted plus see double so I wear glasses. I have eczema on my arms. I am around 120 pounds and prefer wearing soft baggy gender neutral clothing. I normally look a tamed mess now a days cuz I'm at home 24/7 taking care of my grandma, but when going out I try to look "presentable".

I'm a Scorpio and my MBTI is INFJ-T. I am autistic so how I interact with people varies. Around people I don't really know I'm really quiet and polite, but towards people I don't like I tend to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy. I've had a few friends say that I'm terrifing when pissed off or if someone is being bigoted. I do know that I'm pretty quick to start a fight verbal or physical if my friends are being messed with. I do like to tease my family and friends a lot, but if I see I'm getting close to a boundary I try to pull back. With loved ones I'm overall just more comfortable with being a little silly.

I have pretty simple likes and dislikes. Like I love animals and have had various pets in the past as well as a dog right now. Drawing is one of my passions though I'm trying to get past my anxiety of showing people my art. I absolutely love to sing and I'm willing to listen to (almost) anything, but I love musicals more than anything. It's pretty easy for me to starting rambling about something I'm hyperfixated on then get a little embarrassed. I enjoy the cold more heat because I'm prone to heat strokes. Though exercising is difficult for me I love roller skating. My whole family loves video games so I grew up playing and really loving them. I have difficulties reading so I don't really enjoy it and use to hate it. I have a couple of fears like bug, clowns, and swimming. Sometimes talking is really hard for me cuz of my memory issues, slight lisp, and overall difficulty with pronuncing words, so I don't talk much and enjoy listen to people a lot more.

My love language is pretty evenly spread out, but I enjoy quality time with some sort of physical contact the most.

Varies health stuff that are unfortunately important about me: So, I was born without a sense of smell and with it food is very difficult for me. Most food looks very weird and gross to me, so I rely on texture the most with food. I do have fun making people skirm when they forget about my lack of smell though. I have a diagnosis for anxiety and memory issues, but my therapist agrees that I have more mental health related things. When I was young I had gotten myositis in my legs. Myositis is just muscle weakness caused by your immune system attacking your muscles. Symptoms come and go in episodes/flare ups so when I first got it I was in a wheelchair for six months. I still can't fully recover my leg strength so walking is still difficult if I do it too much.

Hello and thank you so much for this request! I hope that this match-up finds you well and I am so sorry as to how long it took for me to get this out to you! I hope that you enjoy it! I will do the romantic one first and as soon as I catch up on requests, I shall do the platonic!

Tw: None

I match you with...........

Jamil Viper

He is very much used to taking care of people (Kalim), and he has been doing it all of his life.... but it is different for you

Because you are his beloved partner

While he is forced to take care of Kalim, he takes care of you because he wants too

Is your eczema beginning to act up once more? (As someone who also has eczema, I understand this quite literal pain), he has the best remedies sent in from the Scalding Sands and will certainly help.

You don't know where he gets that lotion but by the sevens, the relief that you feel as he puts it on is unreal

With your lack of a sense of smell, he knows that this will certainly impact your food tastes and he will adjust accordingly

Jamil pays extra attention to how to react and respond to certain foods and will make adjustments to better suit your tastes, just so long as you are able to enjoy yourself

Another one who can't stand bugs (rather ironic for a man who grew up in what is basically a desert.... which is known for a lot of bugs), so good luck having some help when it comes to taking care of them

Okay.... if it is really small, he may try to squish it or something, but you have had to stop him more than once from lighting the thing on fire

You both enjoy whatever time it is that you are able to have with one another. He is usually quite busy, between taking care of Kalim, his club, duties as a vice hoursewarden, on top of his normal studies. But if you are both just able to be in the same room as one another, he certainly loves that

Speaking of his club, you are more than welcome to join him at the Basketball club. It's nice and air conditioned so you don't have to worry about getting too hot, and he loves that you come to see him

Overall, Jamil is a very attentive lover, doing what he had to be able to meet your needs and to ensure that you are well taken care of. He will continue to love and cherish you for as long as you allow him.

Thank you for your request!!

[fitgothgirl]

Haven't been to the gym in about two weeks because of some sort of rib injury. I had been on the floor of our living room getting a cat toy from under the couch and I was doing a reaching and twisting motion and I felt a crack in my lower left ribs. It was so weird and so painful and I cried out a panicked "ahhh" for a sec. I quickly sat up on my knees and stayed like that holding my side for a couple minutes just kind of shocked and also confused.

Since then it hurts to bend or stretch in certain ways, or if I'm in a certain position when I laugh or cough. But if I'm not in those positions/doing those motions, it's fine. A deep breath hurts too but regular breathing or panting is fine. Tying shoes is hard; also yesterday I was putting on heels and was fastening the strap on the outside of my left ankle and I almost couldn't do it! Just that extra little twist while bending was significant lol. It also hurts to the touch if you find the right spot, and having pressure on my rib cage is also a no-go. Even being extra full after a meal bothers it.

It's now been 10 days. 🙃 I have a doctor appointment on Thursday. I feel like it got a bit better the day after it happened, but I don't think it's really improved since then. I did take some impact near that region the day before it happened, I wonder if that started something that just needed a minor final push to become full injury? I didn't think I was doing that crazy of a stretch/twist, in fact that motion usually feels good lol. But then again the area where it cracked is next to the spot where I was hit, not the same spot. Idk. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want to get back to the gym so bad though. Considering it's only painful in certain ways, I was thinking of going and doing only certain exercises; I think I could do arms, and maybe a little bit of back and lower body exercises depending on the motion (not all in one workout, just saying what my options are). I obviously don't want to push it though and would just be playing it by ear. And if I start feeling it in my ribs at all then I'll just skip strength and get on the stair climber.

Because I'm not going to the gym, I'm slacking with my health in almost every other way. I don't have an excuse for that one though, it's not like nothing else matters if I'm not working out. But I just feel blah and bummed out so that seeps into other things. But I miss the "me" I was in like December & January, I want to get back to that so bad. And gym or not, I can still be doing a bunch of other things that were helping me feel that way back then.

I'm workin on things though. Had a good talk with my therapist this past Friday too (after not seeing her for like a month?), she always helps a lot.

[quinklequonkle]

Hnnghhhhh Dream time

I don't remember exactly how this one started but I know me and my mom were being chased by this crazy man with a knife.

We ran all over the house until we eventually came to a room but somehow he had gotten my mom and stabbed her a few times in the stomach and neck.

So now I'm really scared and I want to scream but I grab my mom and pull her inside the room, closing the door with my feet because for some reason IT DIDN'T HAVE A DOORKNOB!!!

Anyway, frustrating dream door aside, he pushed past it harshly. Now he had a butcher's knife and since I was on the ground, he raised it above his head with his bloodshot crazed eyes and I thought it was over for me. I really just waited for the pain

But it never came. Apparently certain times of the day he'd just be paralyzed for a couple of seconds. I got up as fast as I could, grabbed the knife, kicked the man over, and brought it down on the back of his head until it was clean off his body.

That man's brains were everywhere, it was a nauseating sight so I looked away from it and helped my mom up and somehow she was completely fine???

I helped her out of that place, a long with our cats and went back to the room to get anything we may have left.

That man's head was nowhere to be seen.

So now I'm having a pretty big oh shit moment and my heart starts to pound in my ears, then I back up before turning to run into the huuuuuge empty living room this place had and guess who was there with a wicked grin on his face?

THE MAN.

And he had his butcher's knife back so yay me! I had to constantly dodge his swinging, it didn't matter that it felt like he could teleport by how fast he moved, I needed to live.

Eventually I got enough distance from him to fumble with the outside door, successfully unlocking it and running outside.

But that didn't mean he was limited to that house, oh noooo, he followed after me with taunts. I banged on people's car doors for them to help me and the man goes: "you know I'm just going to come with you, right?" Which I reply with: "DON'T YOU HURT THESE PEOPLE!!! GET AWAY FROM ME" And took off again.

My feet were beating against the concrete to get away from him, breath hot and labored from all the intensity and yet he was still gaining on me. It was weird cause I also saw one of my cousins who passed away talking to someone and about to get in her car.

Even though I needed help, I didn't want to bother her and kept running up the block until I came to an empty highway. I could hear the man's voice like an echo in my ear: "No one would find you and I'll get away with it."

I had to keep it moving but at this rate, he'd catch up to me in no time. Thankfully though, there was a part of a fence where other people and joined them.

The man followed me of course but he couldn't do anything too drastic because now there would be many, MANY witnesses. So you wanna know what he did?

He picked up some random kid and took off. Like huh??? If his intention was to make me and a couple of other people follow, it definitely worked because that kid deserved to be safe. We eventually got to him which he eventually got to me somehow and now we were alone.

He didn't kill me right away which surprised me quite a bit, he said some really weird stuff that I can't remember... It gets very vague towards the end of the dream.

Now I'm in another one or maybe my dream just transformed but I'm inside a full classroom. It's so strange cause it's been years since I've been in one but apparently I was unintentionally funny cause the teacher would say things like: "do you really not want to get up?" In a: "oh you" fashion to which some students snickered.

In school I had super bad anxiety so it would make sense that I was reluctant about even walking where people could see me. I grumbled, got a pencil, and sat down.

This portion was so weirdly normal, it almost gave me whiplash. I looked at my desk to seeeee

My keys with my Ren Hana charms on it!

I don't know how it managed to slip into my dream, but it was welcome. I played with them and admired the smooth texture with a smile before waking up.

[glittergutts]

I should be used to waking up early, but today is hard because the bulb in my lamp died. So I found a blue bulb, and it's just too dark to see anything I'm doing until the sunrises and I can open the curtains. So I'm going to ramble.

Yesterday I did my cardio in the late afternoon and it was so much easier than first thing in the morning. So I might wait till later to do it today too.

I noticed loki has been sleeping on a folded blanket I left on the floor for him at night. He destroyed his dog bed as a small puppy, and it's finally feeling time to replace it. He's much less destructive than when we first brought him home. Now he just kills his soft toys and tries to eat everyone's dirty socks.

My birthday is in 4 days and I'm really excited. I had wanted to go to the park and have a little picnic but it's going to be cold this weekend so my new plan is to rent the barbie movie and buy a bunch of snacks and candy from target.

I want to ask my dad if he will stay home with the kids Saturday night so I could go out with Chris to the hookah lounge or something. But he's probably already planning on going to bar like he always does, so he probably won't, but maybe if I ask in advance, he might if I'm lucky. I never ask him for shit. Plus, the kids are well-behaved and will even go to bed when it's time without fuss. It's been nice seeing things get easier with the kids as they have gotten older. Still so little, but not babies that need my help anymore, and it's weird that Ellie's about to turn 12.

Chris and my 13th anniversary is a week before Ellie's birthday, and we wanted to take a trip but decided it probably won't happen due to finances. So I started joking about buying an inflatable hottub because it cost less than 2 nights for a vrbo or airbnb and we really just wanted to go to use a hottub and have some alone time to focus on each other. Now I'm plotting on saving money for a hottub for my back porch. Chris could benefit from it, too, as his disease causes loss of blood flow, which leads to bone death and is incredibly painful, so the heat helps circulation and could save him some time before another hip replacement. I hate not being able to make him feel better and just watching helplessly as he has suffered almost daily for the past 3 years. I wish I could take it all away for him.. so anyway, there's a point to the hottub, not just an impulsive heafty purchase.

So other than dreaming of buying a hottub, I've been plotting out what we could do at home to have a special day/night. My mom always takes the kids for a few nights during her winter break, which is when our anniversary falls, so that always works out well in terms of childcare for the night. I want to cook a nice meal together and make some chocolate dipped strawberries. I need to buy some candles and a new dress that I think I have picked out already. I found some fun looking "couples games" online. I might get us one just for something different and a little exciting to do. I also want to either make or buy some arnica massage oil. And other than those things, I have no idea what to do, but I guess that's enough.

I can't stop thinking too far into the future I need to fucking chill and just focus on this week.

[pocketstoriesstore]

Hey y’all! This is my first story about vampires, which i LOVE! Hope you have fun and forgive y choice of humble words! hahaha

THIS IS A +18 STORY! If you’re minor, get out and DON’T READ!

FIRST DAY WITH HIM.

The day was darkening. You were just about to go home, after dealing all the traffic, of course.When you saw that guy again: the one all in black, long hair, a gray intense stare. You was only able to feel weird about it, since you couldn’t imagine what’s was actually going on.

You thought he could be a coworker on the same building as you, or a corporate neighbor, so you didn’t feel afraid at all.

Even when that was awkward as a fuck.

You saw him on the market two nights ago, and now he’s on the corner of the street, almost ten o’clock.

You took a cigarette from your purse, looking at him with the corner of the eye, thinking on how could you get to him and finally ask something, start a conversation just to make sure of things and all.

You turned your head down to find a lighter and two seconds after he was in front of you, with the lighter burning in front of your cigarette.

“Hey… thank you so much. Didn’t notice you so close…”

“Sorry, didn’t meant do bother you.”

“Don’t worry, just scared me a little bit. Don’t worry.” You said last, smiling.

He kept looking you intensely, almost eating your eyes with his own.

“You work here, right?” You gave a slow “yes”with your head, worried about your answer, keeping in mind the importance of the confidence about your job, when he kept saying: “It’s really dangerous here around. You should take care.”

“Ok. I… can take care of things, really. Don’t worry. Thanks for the lighter.”

“You’re welcome.”

You wasn’t sure, but he didn’t seem to blink so many as people usually do.

He was beautiful.

His skin looked gray in the light of the moon, you couldn’t let aside…

Bu he was fucking beautiful.

Voice, liquid eyes, hearted lips. Maybe Thirty-eight, Forty. Everything seemed to work.

You were almost in the car’s door, when you heard something weird. Sounded like someone throwing a big peace of fabric against the wind…

And silence again.

Inside the car, you noticed you were right all of the past few days about two things:

Vampires were real, and he was one.

____________________________________________

You had all your investigation spread in a table in front of you, when he said: “What were you about to do with this?”

“I-I wasn’t about to tell-“ “Who do you work for?!” You saw the tips of a couple of fangs shining inside his mouth, and couldn’t avoid the stare. He glanced at you, angrily.

“You have to tell me, so I can let you out! Ok? TELL ME!”

He seemed uncomfortable, angry, curious, agonizing for an answer, apologizing with his painful gaze.

“I work for myself. I was fired last week. Here, take my documents and see what you need, if I do have a chance to get out. I know about all of you. Your boss, too. Tell him i’m curious, that’s why i know all about you.”

“They won’t believe this. No way, you’re pretty much dead, girl, you know.”

“I was fired because all of you. Because i- “you scoffed, started to laugh for a second, and then got dark again-“I was trying to proof your existence. They think i’m crazy.”

He dared to get close to you.

He believed you, at all, but there was another big trouble: What if his boss didn’t believe him? He already wanted you dead. You almost showed up their asses for the world, what if someone decided to believe your vampire story? How did you know all of this?

“Ok, hold on, now: Christian told you. Is it so? Chris is a vampire. He told you about my research, he who FIRED ME! NOW IM HERE?!” You felt your ground fall.

Your friend, who fired you, calling you crazy for takin vampires so seriously was a fucking one of them.

“I have to let you alone now. I’ll be back soon.” Stephen told you, unable to look in your eyes as before he did.

“Are you gonna lock me here and…?”

“Don’t worry, nobody’s going to hurt you. I’ll be right back.”

You had your tour on his house, all oh the rooms, bathrooms, kitchen, wardrobes.

You knew it wasn’t right, but you had no choice, no cellphone, just the tv and a Playstation connected to it, and you’ve had enough of playing videogames by yourself in that lonely house already.

Almost five hours later, Steph (a nickname you gave him for no reason) was back home, with a pack of some snacks so you could choose, and died coke.

“Thank you.” “No problem.”

This time he seemed more “colored”, “alive”.

“Did you kill someone? You looked dead earlier, now you are out there, totally alive.”

He laughed:”I didn’t, don’t worry. A friend of mine fed me.” You felt your eyes bigger:

”HOW?! J-just what the fuck?” He laughed more: “She gave me her neck for just a while. Like this:” One second after he was breathing centimeters away from your neck, saying: “We ask people, they give us blood enough to get out safe from our clowns.”

He said, playful but also a little shy. You felt some walls falling between you two.

You were almost sure that this vampire was a little bit as screwed as you. Intuition.

“So, if you wanted a little of blood, why didn’t you ask me?” He stood cold, curious:

“Would you let me? I didn’t mean to freak you out. Thought it could be too much. I just got to know you and all of this…” He passed his fingers through his hair, worried. You interrupted:”Well, let’s consider I was about to die; giving you blood and still staying alive couldn’t be this hard for me.” You both laughed, he gave a pause, uncomfortable again. “What? What’s this weird??” You were starving and excited for information, now. He started: “When we have contact with someone who feed us, things can take a little… intense. It’s a big deal, exceptionally for the feeder.” You blinked, stoned: “You fuck your feeder?” He laughed loud, getting red for the first time, now that he had blood enough in his body. He crossed his big arms, resting his backs on the balconies: “Yes, lady. We fuck. We fuck a lot, blood everywhere, etc.”

“And…Do you need to…get fed everyday?” You was trying to discover how many girls he used to fuck, now. You felt crazy, because you was almost jealous about him and his interesting life. “You wanna know if i’m a pervert? Say it out loud. I’m not gonna hurt you, I told you.” “Stephen, i’m sorry, I didn’t meant to- hey! fuck you, i’m the one stuck in a trap, and am I apologizing? Be nice to me and at least answer my curiousness, i’m have the right.” “Remember being here is kinda your fault? Chill out! I need to rest now. In a bed, not a coffin. Anything else? No? Great! Then, excuse me now! And he left you alone again in the kitchen of the locked big apartment.

You found tea in the kitchen, and drank at least four of them. Alone, you started to reread your own research, missing your cellphone. You hated to feel this alone.

Only when YOU wanted, you enjoyed to be alone. But feeling alone was different.

You slept in the couch. When you woke up, Stephen was in the kitchen using the computer to talk to someone. You felt the scent of fresh coffee taking over the house, and felt a little happier in the middle of all that mess.

“Gmorning, Bloodsucker. I need to take a bath, hope you don’t mind.” “Anything you need. Make yourself home.” His eyes locked in the computer. Almost a hour later you showed up again, using his black clothes. You passed behind his chair to steal a bit of his coffee as if that was your own house, your own life.

He laughed a bit, unbelieving what he was seeing. “How dare you, you human?” He said, playfully. “Luckily I love black clothes. I used your laundry too, and your shampoo. You don’t mind, do you?!” You said with those girly eyes, batting your lashes as a baby dog, getting close to his face so he could smell the sign of his shampoo in your hair. Caught in surprise, he just frozen and close his eyes as he felt the the smell of his shampoo, your skin, your breath and…your blood. When you broke his spell: “Hey, wake up, princess. Is it that good?!” His face became red again, while he rolled his eyes and got back to his “job”, pretending to ignore you.

“I need to go out now. You’re a professional so I don’t have to tell you to stay here, otherwise… Just stay here, please. Ok?”

“You should let me out. You know.”

“I can’t, now. Don’t make things harder, ok? If you go out, you’re dead.”

“Why do you care? You don’t even know me.” “I DO know you a little bit, now. I’ll be back soon.”

“Are you going to… get fed?”

He stoned. You kept saying: “Cuz if it’s the case… I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind if you want to try on me.” He turned to be face to face with you, studied you entirely, confused and… something more than this.

“Yesterday I didn’t take blood enough. We can try, and If you tell me to stop, i’ll stop in no time. Are you feeling rested? Did you sleep well?” “Yes, sure!” You said, locked eyes with his. “Come here.” He took your hand, gently, guiding you to his room.

It was dark and clean, smell of his cologne and some decorations of his travels on the wall. “Please, lay dawn.” “Like this?” You laid on your right ribs, using your elbow to rest your head while exposing your neck so he could take you there as he needed. “Please, relax. Trust me.” As he approached, you started to close your eyes until his mouth was too close of your neck, breathing hot. You shivered in anticipation, until he finally brush his lips on your skin, pushing kindly until he felt comfortable to open your skin. You felt his fangs pressing, and when it finally opened the wounds you couldn’t avoid letting out a hard breath. That wasn’t bad. Thad was so fucking good, and when he sucked the first amount of blood from your skin you couldn’t avoid crying out his name, and when he seemed to worry was to late- he knew that by the way you held his hair tight and pressed his head even more against your neck. The feeling started some electricity on you that was impossible to avoid, to control, and you wanted more. Both of you couldn’t contain the hard breathing, the body trembling, almost shaking. His left hand, at first resting in your cheek, decided to hold your hair trapped on its fingers, while the other one traveled from your waist until your breast under the fabric of his own clothes on your body. Feeling the electricity getting out of your control, you moaned louder, pushing all his body to yours as he guided his bloody mouth from your neck to your lips, taking you in his lap easily as if you where a feather, spreading your legs and pressing his hips on yours, holding tightly behind your knee and your waist.

He wasted no more time when he pulled your T-shirt off, sucking hard on your breasts, leaving marks and making you scream and moan his name even louder. “Fuck, i told you. Do you understand now, huh?” He said almost groaning in your year, taking his clothes off as fast as it was possible, and finally, your pants. You needed him inside of you as if it was the only way to stay alive. When he threw the last piece of fabric on a corner of his room, he pushed his naked body against yours again. You closed your eyes to feel all his way inside you, but he held your hair hardly, making you face him, while positioning his length on your entrance: ”No, no, you’re going to look at -Ah!- me..Ah! Look- At -My- Face- While - Ah, shit! I fuck- You!” You couldn’t do more than feel the ecstasy fill you up. It took a while with his thrusts until you couldn’t get it anymore. He was strong and his pace was perfect, as if he was made to fit you. Steph-en- Ah! I-ca- n’t - I-Ah!” And you couldn’t say a thing. “Yes, I-Fuc-kin-Know.- Goa-Ah-Head.” He tried to said in his tired husky voice, his eyes locked on yours, the color of your blood in his mouth and breast. “Co-Me-F-Or- Me-Ah!” An you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming his name, until your body stopped trembling, until you feel him to let go all inside of you, breathing your name until the last jolt of your bodies pressing together, when he finally lied his head on your neck again to steal a trail of blood he left behind, kindly adjusting his weight above your body, still holding your thigh around his waist and caressing your skin from the knee to the hip, repeatedly, as the both of you tried to catch the breathing together.

“Do I know you enough to no let you run, now, lady?”

[blazehedgehog]

I know this isn't a question, and idk if you get this a lot, buuuut... you're honestly one of my idols. <3 I don't mean that in a creepy way, I just think you're really awesome. Keep doing what you do.

I'm always appreciative of posts like this. I don't get tons, but I do get some.

It's weird, actually. For years I've had a number of friends and family try to uplift me about how they think I'm smart and talented and this and that, and while the gesture is always welcome, it... Never felt like it manifested in much?

Like, on Youtube, right. There are people that blow past 100,000 subs in under a year. There are people that do that with a million subs! And I'm over here, channel registered since 2006 or even 2005, and just passed 25k subscribers last year. 18 months later I am inching ever closer to 30k.

Or writing, right. Something I hung my hat on for a long time was writing this article for TSSZ where I was told "hey write something simple for this thing that just happened" but that would have meant an article with a couple sentences summarizing a press release. And this was kind of an ongoing story type deal, but it was the first time we had posted about it.

So I decided to describe everything that had happened so far. I did research, cited sources, and by the end of it I had two or three paragraphs of text that summarized everything that was going on. And I had a friend tell me, "Good work. You did more research than Kotaku."

Or, like, YouTube comments. I've gotten enough YouTube comments from people who are legit impressed with my editing skills but are amazed I'm not a bigger name. I remember a comment on my Sonic 3 video where somebody literally said "every time I think I'm starting to get bored, you pull another twist. I can't stop watching."

So confidence in my abilities has been steadily improving.

But my actual growth has always been slow. I've remained this unknown. And that gets to you, y'know? To have friends and family and fans uplift you, but to be stuck in this no-man's-land of "almost somebody."

You even start to get paranoid: do I have a reputation I'm not aware of? What are people saying behind my back? Maybe everybody just hates me, and this is what I deserve. I've definitely had interactions feed those fears, where it seems like I'm getting punished for reasons beyond my understanding. You can make yourself insane worrying about something that is, ultimately, nothing.

That's the result of many things. I won't go over it yet again, but I spent a long time after dropping out of high school depressed to a hazardous degree. My mom put the fear of "people who commit suicide go to hell with no remorse" in to me, so I was never suicidal, but I had fully given up in a way that may as well been a type of suicide. I did not end my life, but I did stop living.

And it's been a long, slow, painful process to understand that and start digging myself back out. To come back from a loneliness so encompassing you've grown numb to it.

It's a difficult process that has lead to a lot of awkward interactions. Spend long enough being antisocial and you forget how to be social. But rather that stress about it, and how weird I must seem to everyone else, I'm learning to be patient with myself. There are certain things about me where I have a lot of catching up to do, but I can't rush things.

Something also changed in me this last year. As my mom was getting sick and I was taking care of her, we had a very long, emotional talk about the future. I explained a lot of things I had figured out about myself but never told her, because I had a feeling. I knew our dynamic was going to change and I'd have to step up more at the very least. That I had squandered what I was building on YouTube and wasn't treating it with respect. And I wanted to try doing it for real. And she said to me, "I always knew you were going to be famous some day."

So... I'm trying to live up to that while I still can. And in particular, these last six or eight months, it really feels like I'm at a turning point. Things are starting to change for me. The way people treat me is starting to change. A lot of the things I was getting paranoid about turned out to be nothing. I'm starting to feel like somebody. Like the kind of person everyone always said I was.

And it's always nice to be reminded of that.

[eregyrn-falls]

Weird Tumblr Dash behavior

I am experiencing just the WEIRDEST little bug with the Tumblr dash right now.

I access Tumblr almost exclusively on desktop, through Firefox. I have infinite scroll turned off, so to browse my dash, I scroll down to the bottom of the page (about 10 posts) and hit the "Next" button.

In the past few months (I think), I've experienced a bug a couple of times where I hit "Next", and it jumps me back to posts from an earlier date entirely. For example, I think last week, on 3/23, I was in the middle of catching up on my dash, hit Next, and the next page was all posts from 3/16. Weird! I was able to go back to the previous page, then hit Next again, and resume catching up on the correct day.

Well, today, it's even worse. Hit Next, wind up on a page of posts from 3/22. Go back to the previous page. Hit Next... now it's a page of posts from 3/15. Go back (to the page of today's posts), hit Next... NOW it's a page of posts from 3/16.

Several rounds of that later, and I refreshed my dash completely and am proceeding through it again to catch up. But I have no idea when it's going to do this to me again. :(

I've put in a support ticket, but it's a pain because this doesn't seem like a bug that I can easily provide proof of, via screenshots or anything. (Stuff that can aid staff in figuring out what's really going on, especially if they can't replicate the issue themselves.)

Crossing fingers that this goes back to normal soon!

[maxikha-ffxiv]

The First

In the ever patchwork of Maxi's RP story, here's another writing. This time, DRK Maxi gets yoinked across shards because her powerful summoner wife accidentally the Exarch's thing

Maxi lowered herself into the rubble at the base of the Syrcus Trench. She hadn’t intended to be here, but Tataru somehow found her. And if there’s one thing everyone knows, it is that you don’t ask how Tataru knows, or ignore her requests. Maxi was quite surprised and impressed when the lalafell somehow had tracked her down, having disappeared from both the scions and her other duties for the better part of a year after the fallout of everything. One day, she may need to get some tips from Tataru on how to do that.

Maxi poked about the rubble a bit, her eyes scanning for anything interesting. As per usual, Tataru had no idea what Maxi needed to look for, all she knew is that Maxi needed to find something there. As she was really the last lingering connection to all of those who disappeared, as well as the Scions lack of souls issue, Tataru needed Maxi to do some research around the Crystal Tower. There’d been reports of weird activity with the tower and surrounding areas at the same time as the Scions began to go down, so folks started to put two and two together. Of course, what Maxi was looking for, no one actually knew.

“Explain to me why we are here now?” “Fray, not now, I don’t need you second guessing me today. And if you’re going to be loitering about, help me look.”

Fray, like always, showed up at the worst possible moment, as Maxi did not feel like dealing with them right now. 

“Well what am I looking for then lass?” “Fuck if I know, just anything that seems odd or out of place with the general rubble.” Maxi was poking through a pile of rocks, not even sure herself what’s there that isn’t rock or crystal. The next bit of time was spent with Maxi searching about, poking at rubble piles, scouting about trying to see if there was anything useful that she could give to someone so she could leave. Eorzea was full of bad memories for her, and she preferred to move on at this point in her life.

“Lass, what’s that over there?” Maxi turned, and in a pile nearby, something not crystalline glimmered. She walked over, and found what was a small piece of metal in it. In the center of the scrap, the logo for Garlond Ironworks was quite visible, although it was quite odd to Maxi. The metal it was engraved on was clearly a couple hundred years old at least, but the Ironworks had not been around for at most a couple of years at this point. Unless Cid had re-used his logo, this made no sense at all.

All of a sudden, examining it, a sharp pain shot through Maxi’s head. She clutched it, and staggered for a second. And just as suddenly, her Eternity Ring, broken and still hanging around her neck, glowed bright. Maxi felt a great pull, something had grabbed her. Her surroundings lit up, a glowing seal appearing below her. As everything went to bright light, Maxi heard Fray’s voice in her head, like always.

“Fray, what’s going on…”

“Not my doing, I don’t know either. Stay sharp lass, I don’t like this at all…”

Maxi put one hand on the giant sword on her back, closing her eyes and bracing for whatever was coming on the other side of this beam of light. She felt her feet leave solid ground, and she was flying. She opened her eyes, and was shocked. It was almost like Maxi was in the aetherial sea, flying past crystals, showing her memories. Painful old memories. And after what felt like an eternity, she saw what could only be her destination. A land of purple and white, and bright bright light. Before Maxi could do anything, she landed, knee hitting the ground, hand on her sword. And all she heard was a voice, so familiar, but one she hadn’t heard in ages, yell out to her. “WATCH OUT!” Out of instinct, Maxi’s sword flew up and she parried the blade that had come down at her, the impact striking the flat of her sword. She pushed the wielder off, and stood up, the inky tendrils of shadow pouring off of her like water as she glared in the direction of her now opponent. The man who had attacked her was older, but it was clear he was a fighter,and he considered maxi a threat. 

Maxi looked behind her quickly, to see who shouted. One look answered more than she knew. There stood her former comrades, friends and fellow adventurers. The twins were there too, as was Thancred and a younger girl she didn't recognize. But the figure standing there that shook Maxi the most was Mirna. Looking nearly the same as the day they fought and she disappeared, injured and with a look of concern on her face. It was very clear that she didn’t intend to summon, let alone summon Maxi. Maxi turned away, and closed her eyes for a second.

“Alright, what’s going on here?” It was quiet, but stern. Maxi opened her eyes, glaring at the man who had attacked her.

“I am Ran’jit, captain of the Khol-” “Can it, I wasn’t talking to you.” Maxi looked back at Thancred. 

“Catch me up. Keep it short, I sense someone doesn’t like me being here.” “We’re on the First, shard of our world. Everlasting light, threatening to doom us all. This is Minfillia, or rather a reborn version of her. And the man you so eloquently told to shut up is Ran’jit, the leader of the Kholusian military, who want to take her from us.”

“Let me guess, trying to run away from them?” “That was the plan yes, until we bumped into your wife and her comrades.”

Maxi instinctively flinched at the word wife, expecting Mirna to correct Thancred on that. After nothing came, she took a more ready position. The darkness swirling around her thickened, almost as if it became a second set of armor on her. Her eyes narrowed looking at Ran’jit.

“Then get going, I’ll stall them.”

[thattheatretrash]

hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

[scheherezhad]

brains are ridiculous

rambling about my life under the cut. tl;dr my brain is currently struggling to adapt to the sudden change in my living space.

.

yesterday, mom and i went to do a little shopping for a couple of things i needed. i more or less found what i was after, and before we headed home, she asked if i wanted to swing by the local furniture consignment shop because i've been looking for a dresser or chest of drawers to help deal with my recent clothing acquisitions that are A Lot of Fabric and therefore won't be good to hang up if i don't want stretched out bits and weird hanger bumps.

so we went to the consignment shop, and mom found a sofa she likes. i told her i'd buy it for her since i gave her an IOU for one as a holiday gift. we looked around a little more, and i found a chest of drawers i really wanted. when i paid, we arranged to have them delivered in a few days because everyone in the house has pain problems and yes, we would LOVE for a couple of strong young men to take care of the heavy lifting for us, thanks.

anyway, we've spent the past two days cleaning madly. yesterday we got the old sofa moved out of the front room (it was An Ordeal, so thank fuck my uncle was willing to help, or my dad would've been a grumpy piss-baby about it forever), and we got some things moved out to the storage shed and cleaned the floor.

today, after a strugglesome morning, i finally got the spoons gathered to work on cleaning my bedroom. i have been living in a ridiculous amount of clutter for the past... several years, tbh. it's hard for me to keep my room nice because i have so many interests and hobbies, and i like Things, so i accumulate stuff and then don't want to get rid of it because i have good taste/i develop weird attachments to inanimate objects or the idea of what i wanted them to be, but then i have nowhere to put most of it because i haven't gotten rid of things.

anyway, i ended up with two bags of trash and a couple of bags of stuff to drop off at the Goodwill, and lots of comparatively consolidated Things. i now have more visible carpet than i've had since before the pandemic. and WOW is my brain struggling with that.

i've spent so long surrounded by an almost debilitating amount of clutter that my brain cannot comprehend that there is empty space and we are not planning to immediately fill it back up.

what if it forces me to... *gasp*... confront emotions or something?? i don't do that, i hide behind physical objects! "oh, can't do that project i wanted to do because i can't get to my supplies." "oh, can't exercise because there's no space, too bad." "oh, can't put that new thing away because the place i keep that kind of thing is full of other ones already and i like them all so i couldn't possibly get rid of any."

ha...

so the conclusion for now is that they're supposed to deliver our new furniture on Wednesday (weather permitting), which means i have two days to try to get my shit sorted out enough that i don't die of embarrassment when strangers see how i live.

[seafoamchild]

august 23rd

that weird feeling in the air when you know summer isn't going to last much longer. i'm not ready for it to be over but i always say that. there seems to be so much to do and see and explore during this short window of warmth and sunshine.

i haven't had a job for the whole summer pretty much so i've done a lot. i went to montana, idaho, and banff. spent a lot of time with friends. camped. went on several dates, which was new for me. i used to be so scared of going on dates. i don't know why - insecurity, i guess. but this time around i felt very confident in myself. maybe dating luke had something to do with it. being with someone so good looking was somehow reassuring, like it reminded me that i am powerful and charming.

i still miss luke on some dumb level. i've never been that attracted to anyone before so i think that's what i miss the most. i get these fleeting urges to text him sometimes. i know it wouldn't be a good idea. but i still think about him and wish we could just be friends who do fun things together. i feel lame for missing him. like dude, move the fuck on already. but i just miss him every now and then, like it doesn't even matter that he was a dick to me. and i can't help but wonder if he misses me. oh well.

i've been spending a lot of time with austin and it's been fun. he is so kind, patient, funny, adventurous and smart. he makes me feel cared for. i am still not sure about my physical attraction to him though and i feel so bad. like he's very gentle and sweet but i don't feel raw desire the way i did with luke. i have hooked up with him a couple times and it wasn't bad. but i think he's way more into me physically than i am into him. and i wish it wasn't that way because i think he's so great and i love spending time with him and he doesn't make me anxious. but now i worry about being the one making him anxious. i worry that i'm acting the same way luke acted with me - like just keeping him at a distance and not being super affectionate. i really need to figure this out before it goes too far. honestly i probably shouldn't have hooked up with him in the first place. i guess i just felt like we were spending so much time together that being "just friends" didn't even feel like an appropriate label anymore. and i guess i wanted to try it out before i wrote him off completely. i don't know. i feel like i'm so self-absorbed sometimes and he deserves better.

a lot of annoying things have been happening too. i keep having to get my car fixed. the window wouldn't go up and they had to take off the entire door panel and it was $328 to fix it. and now i have to get the exhaust fixed. and then the doctor visits. i keep getting UTI symptoms and they put me on antibiotics but then the test results come back negative. and i had what's got to be an allergic reaction to the antibiotics because they literally made me feel worse. like my lower back hurt so bad and i was just in so much pain and discomfort, i had to go to bed at like 9pm the other night because i was feeling so miserable. and my body has just felt so fatigued and heavy for the past couple days. and then i come to find out that i didn't even need to be taking the antibiotics in the first place. it's such a mess. i've had SO MANY UTI's and i am SO SICK of dealing with them. and now the doctor says i need to look into interstitial cystitis which is a chronic condition that i probably have, considering the last few times i've had symptoms it hasn't even been a real infection. i'm so distraught over this. i can't keep going through this like every time i have sex. it's so exhausting and taking such a toll on me physically and mentally. i don't deserve this and i don't know what to do except try going to the urologist AGAIN. it's not fair.

i did go to see jimmy buffett at alpine the other night and it was honestly so much fun. i almost didn't go but i'm so glad i did. i had such a good time partying with everyone. the music was super whatever to me but it was just so fucking fun to be there. so that was a highlight of the summer for sure.

i finally started getting to work on my portfolio and i think i will try to seriously start the job-hunt after the wedding on labor day. it's scary but i have a lot of support and all i need is some motivation. it's so easy for me to lose focus and flounder. but i still think i'm trying my best. a job just hasn't been in my best interest this summer. i think it was good to have fun and explore and try new things and go new places. i am figuring it all out and failing a lot along the way but that is okay.

[imagoofball]

Ok so like as most folk I tend to adapt personalities from those nearest. Never knew I did this unconsciously until one day in middle school when I somehow turned country cause my (only) friend at the time was a wheel barrels and pig farms at 6am hickey 💀 fast foward I realized the past couple of months I've adapted the personality of G man House himself. Let me tell ya how that went for me

-literally caused mental thigh pain/aches to the point I was debating on going to the hospital because it was distracting me from my work and rubbing my thigh was the closest thing to relief I could get

-learned and mastered chess

-encouraged a friendship where the lines of friendship and relationship were blurred with the lack of boundaries we had for each other. This especially sucked considering I am open gay and this "friend" turned out to not even be gay 💀 so only they could act on relationship terms but if I were to initiate anything- just know I am free from these shackles yall

-I can now speak Spanish & German

- somehow joined forces (made friends) with ppl who act like Cuddy and the ducklings

- I almost bought tickets to a monster truck derby (this is where I realized something was wrong)

Idk what else I've been doing but the leg pain stopped when I realized it was all in my head (said pain then went to my ankle, then foot, and then my back before disappearing)

Cutting ties with weird friend cause ew that's disgusting

Joining a Chess club because that game is fun

Keeping my random fidgets

Gonna improve both languages cause that's very useful

Instead of going to a monster truck show I might just go to either Nascar or a symphony because I am obsessed with those two now and I'm not complaining

Anyways I will now lay off from watching House until I turn into someone cool like Rainbow dash or Spiderman I swear why didn't I become Spiderman 😭 I'm obsessed with bro yet my brain was like "errmm nah let's be an old man from that one show you like'

Tldr; Rocking the House life is only fit for House himself yall 😭 hilson bromance isn't really sadly