#i will say my bouts of anxiety are 100% gone

[olivianyx]

UPDATES ON MY JOURNEY

Heyy all! I've been focusing on my senior professional medical year and it has been stressful. So here are some things I manifested effortlessly and a few things without me thinking about it. Long ass post ahead! ⚠️⚠️

1. Getting more pocket money than usual. Like my parents usually transact in my account like a $80 or $100 AUD per month. But in both feb and march this year, they transacted me $500 and $700 AUD! Plus! I occasionally find $10 or $50 cash in my classroom or on the streets sometimes (and they come lie next to my feet 😭) I'd ask everyone in my class if it's theirs, and they say no. What do y'all expect me to do? Like go and give it to the university management?? 😭 hell no, so i kept it lol.

2. MANIFESTED DIOR'S LIP OILS!! 😭😭 LIKE 5 OF THEM 😭 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE OBSESSED WITH LIP OILS 😭😭 AND I WANTED THE RASPBERRY ONE SO BAD, AND GUESS WHAT? I MANIFESTED IT ALONG WITH 4 OTHER SHADESS OMGGG 😭😭😭

3. My crush giving me hints that she's obsessed with me 😭 like she literally told me 'you're so sweet and caring, I've never met a person like this after my grandma' cus her grandma passed away recently and she was so depressed. She even had an eye infection, so she stopped coming to the uni. So i had to make sure she's alright, and met her everyday cus she needed someone real bad. Like she needed to talk to someone and get that thing bothering her outta her head. I was there all along whatever she was going through (don't come at me y'all, ik if we help someone they would say all these things but she's my crush lol so) She's also getting real close to me, like she tells me how annoying people are lol. She loves skin ship, physical touch, being clingy around me, and complimenting me 😭😭 so these are the hints 😭 like friends wouldn't do that right? Would they?? (My friends diss me right in front of everyone 😶)

4. I've always been the type to care too much for the silliest things, nowadays I don't really put my energy into it and become all anxious. My anxiety levels have completely gone down like I'm literally cool asf?? Even while being in public?? Literally yess

5. Manifested getting my hair coloured next week! and my mom permitted me! For my cousin's engagement in april, I wanna be there like the hot younger sister I am lol. I just wanna make my relatives and their kids jealous cus they made fun of me when I was younger (my younger self has been dreaming for this moment) so why not a revenge glow up?? 😭

6. Losing weight even though I eat like a pig due to my study stress. Like literally I ate a 5 course meal one day and lost 2 kgs the next day? (cus I randomly checked my weight for 2 days cus I had to submit my height and weight to the university student records)

7. Getting a natural blush on my face! Like it's such a game changer, I look like a movie star y'all 😭✋🏻

8. My teachers complimenting me for my discipline and high scores. As yk uni professors don't even give af bout students and they complimented me??

9. Getting into a new friend group! My old one was too toxic and they would always bully me (verbally) my new friend group is literally soo damn enjoyable! Like they're the cool kids of the year 😭 and now I'm one too!

10. As I mentioned in my older post that I'm moving into an apartment. We moved in and it was too difficult for me to sleep as the place was new and also there we're disturbances in the night time like stomping noises or playing loud music at night. So the neighbors there were too sweet that they introduced and comforted us that it's okay and if something's bothering us they'll take care of it. And they literally made the people who we're causing those disturbances to vacate out 😭😭✋🏻

11. My hair getting shinier! It was brittle before as I was severely anemic, now my baby hair is back and it's shining ✨

12. I overheard my parents conversing that they should make me audition for an entertainment company....like what? 😭😭✋🏻 when I asked them once years back they denied giving me a 4 hour lecture and now they wanna make me audition?? Like literally 😭 y'all watch me at the Grammy's (after 5 years lol)

13. Getting into the void on command or intention.

14. I literally get free foods everywhere I go 😭😭

15. I got free gifts from my uncle who's living in France! He works at a fashion company and he sent me perfumes and a few outfits (I can't reveal it I'm sorry)

I ONLY WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY LIP OIL, GETTING CLOSE TO MY CRUSH AND FOCUSING ON MY STUDIES. THE REST, I MANIFESTED WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT.

SO WHAT NEXT?

I've decided to respawn to my waiting next month. I'm still scripting how my waiting room should be... So it might take time for me. So till then I'm gonna be strengthening my self concept even more, and also getting more and more excited to be in my waiting room! I want my waiting room to be like a more like a sci fi movie and a princess fairytale combined 😭 (ik I'm weird). Like I just want my favorite anime characters to be there to help me script my DR ✋🏻 So I'm kinda in a more excited mode lately to script my waiting room! Will give you updates on how my waiting room will be in a future post! So until then take care, love you, byeeee byeeee!

- olivia 🤍

[dutifullyshamelessearthquake]

Cyno passing out from illness situations that got me goin brrrrr

he’s been sick for only a day or so, but I’m imagining it’s horrific food poisoning. Maybe his go too restaurant has finally failed him. Regardless Both ends, and both ends a lot. It’s a wonder he still has so much in him kinda wonder like how is he still getting sick?? So he’s dealing with that, and per his and Tighnaries agreement when it hits late at night he wakes nari up. Tells him he feels like death, can hardly talk around the nausea. And while he knows he isn’t bout to puke he does know he doesn’t have long till he needs the bathroom anyways. He rushes off and the cycle begins. Now, I’m imagining later, after a few rounds of illness if your choice, nari is up trying to find something he can take to help calm his stomach. Cyno then comes *wobbling* out of the bathroom and in a full daze seems nari out in the kitchen. Hunched over, and shivering. Maybe Cyno mumbles something to him and as nari turns around he sees Cyno- his brown skin gone practically grey- and sees him DROP to the floor.

tighnari is fast, he does to grab him but not before dropping the tea or whatever he was holding, and maybe Tighnari gets hurt too. A cut or a burn or something that requires attention later 100% plus his anxiety is through the roof cuz holy hell normally he can catch it when cyno is looking pale.. but it’s late at night and the sickness came on sooo fast, and neither of them are awake enough to navigate this normally. And now Tighnari has a passed out boyfriend, a broken mug and an injury to deal with. What does he address first? How does Cyno end up coming around and how does he deal with knowing how much chaos nari had to deal with all on his own? I feel like in the end Cyno would try hard to reassure and calm nari down despite being sick, because frankly Tighnari was * scared *

also I think cyno trying to comfort Tighnari while still in the recovery position and still feeling wretched is both really endearing and kinda funny

WAIT WAIT WAAAAIT I LOVE THIS, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH—

This actually feeds heavily into my brainrot, because even though I'm in more of Lyney mood right now, I have been brainstorming for the next Cynonari fic on my list 👀

Okay I'm absolutely in love with this. First of all, yes to that scenario, I'm really craving a severe sickfic. Like give me a character that borderline has to consider the ER because they're that sick. And of course poor Cyno is a brilliant candidate, because he always is! (I'm so sorry Cyno, I really enjoy making you miserable in my writing)

I've also been thinking a lot more about the whole "Cyno gets light-headed when he throws up" thing, so your timing is brilliant with this ask.

I'm envisioning this already.

Cyno is approaching, his legs like jelly beneath him. Tighnari hears his footsteps and hears him say something, and he's opening his mouth to tell Cyno he shouldn't have come looking for him, he would have been right back- only before he can make a sound he locks eyes with Cyno and sees just how horrific he looks. And it's like everything goes into slow motion because suddenly Cyno's knees are buckling and Tighnari sees his eyes start to roll back, and he just throws down whatever he's holding and sprints to catch Cyno. He catches Cyno in time but his own balance is thrown off and he basically goes down with Cyno, but it's okay, he stopped Cyno from getting hurt or knocking his head on anything.

I can see Tighnari remaining calm on the outside, but on the inside he's panicking. When all is said and done later and he finally gets to breath, I imagine him just sliding down to the floor somewhere with his back against the wall and breaking down into silent tears because he can't remember the last time he was this stressed out and worried over Cyno.

Also that image of Cyno trying to comfort Tighnari while he's still in the recovery position pale as a ghost,,, I can't decide if I want to cry or laugh at that 😭 That is really sweet and loving and wholesome, but Cyno you really are in no state to be doing the comforting

Damn I love this idea, I might need to work it into the last Cynonari Novemetober fic??

[keefsteef]

soooo i know i’m already lining your inbox with my reblogs but i simply MUST know your favorite song off of each van halen album 🤩 !!! you can also tell me the songs you aren’t particularly partial to as well if you wanttt but no pressure 🤭🤭🤭

ilyyyy and keep dragging our dearest boys through the mud 😍😍😍

HI XOXOX ✨🤩✨

This was SO DIFFICULT 😭☠️ but anyway let's get into ittt...

VAN HALEN:

I am 100% a trooper for ain't talkin bout love. I do sometimes cheat on her for jamies cryin...but I always come home 😩‼️ I just can't ever get over the riff, the bassline, the drums, and David sounded SO REALLL!

It forever will have me by the ankles 🛐. As for what I didn't like on the album, I really don't have a song in particular. I know I had to warm up to atomic punk, but even before warming up to it I still did quite enjoy it.

VAN HALEN II:

OUTTA LOVE AGAIN 😩‼️I looooove when I can clearly hear David is full on feeling himself and confident, and I think it really shines here. And lmaooo I don't know what sort of pokey poke tappity tap shizzle frazzle bam bam Edward even did on that solo, but whatever it was, unsecured my edges 🛐 he DID THAT. I also found the drums and bass a slay.

Light Up The Sky also had a PRETTTYYYYY SNATCHWORTHY FALSETTO MOMENT ON IT THOUGH 😩 I'll give David a win there. As for a track I didn't like, once again, not really one I didn't like.

FAIR WARNING:

Push Comes To Shove is my wife and we frequently go out to dinner and take lavish yacht trips 😩❤️ I love her so 🌼

No but seriously...I don't like it when people say David couldn't ever sing because PERSONALLYYYY this is an example that that's absolutely not the truth. He was so wonderfully husky here, and that outro where he went AHHHHH or whatever, was the moment.

Edward did his thing with the guitar on this song too, I can't ever get the solo out my mind, I even hear it while buying butter or whatever 😭☠️ the bassline and drums were also stellar, and I love how the lyrics seem a bit more invasive than usual. To ME it sort of contradicts David's "lol I don't take relationships seriously" monicker...

Babe clearly someone hurt you , we all hear it 😭‼️

One foot out the door pissed me off a little because it's too fucking good to be that damn SHORT ! 👺... BUT once again... nothing I had any particular qualms with.

WACF:

Loss of control is my ride or die 🤩, It sort of to me just wraps up van halen as a whole. It feels all over the place, anxiety inducing (like David's fashion), and chaotic. Them-core. Plus Alexander beat those drums like they talked shit about his mama 😩 I enjoyed that.

I will admit that I am a recovering everybodywantssomehater 💔 it used to make me feel like David was chasing me through some Amazon forest trying to make me drink an elixir, and I was NOOOOT FEELING ITTTTT. BUT... around the 13th listen I decided you know what, open your mind, it's not that bad, and I like the song now.

Mostly just for the guitar but 😭 I'll come around.

I'm now realizing I fucked up the order of albums but I do not feel like doing all the copy pasting and moving around 🔪 so let's proceed...

DIVER DOWN:

Secrets my beloved...I've found that I love when David SINGS. His messing around and random screeching is cute and cool or whatever, but I trulyyyy enjoy when he shows versatility vocally. I loved what he vocally did here. Michael, Edward and Alexander ate as per usualllll that's no surprise, but David really is what swayed me to this song.

Not that I don't like itttttt but I'm still warming up to oh pretty woman. I think I've just got to be in the mood for it. Or maybe I'm so accustomed to the Roy version, I don't know, but I'll keep updated hahaha.

1984:

GIRL GONE BAD! I LOOOOVE the guitar drums and bass here, David did his thing. I haven't got much else to say in depth , but this one I definitely listen to more than jump. Nothing on the album I've got qualms with...

5150:

Dreams 🥴, Samuel SANGGGG and did what he needed to do, and I loved that Edward got to do his thing with the keyboards. I also love the songs message! I also enjoy best of both worlds though...

I NEEEEED to re-listen to the last 4 albums actually before I decide on those, I'll be sure I make a separate post about it 🤩❤️ thank you for the ask and I DEFINITELY WILL CONTINUE TO DRAG THEM TO FILTHHHH 👺👺👺👺 love yew too

[w3ir-d0]

To Loc Or Not To Loc

A few of y’all going to read that and be like “The hell this boi talkin bout?!??” Before you tear me a new a-hole let me explain lol. So I just got my hair retwisted since I’m back on my loc journey after cutting them the first time. I found myself dealing with anxiety out the wazooo! My mind was racing thinking that: 1) someone at this job going to have something to say or I’m getting fired and 2) is this something that will have me sent home or unable to work?

The problem I have with my thoughts are the fact that I’m having them to begin with at this point. My whole life I’ve gone with the whole clean cut look thinking that is the extra icing for me to be accepted in the business world and sometimes even the acting world. Most times it’s rare to find a black man/woman with locs in any position of prominence in the work force. For that matter it’s even rare to see the same thing in the acting world. And for those reasons I found myself cutting all my beautiful locs off.

Fast forward and I’m back growing my hair out….agaaaain lol because man it’s a piece of who I am now. I love having my hair and what it represents to me as a reflection of not just my spiritual journey but my mental and physical. I guess I’m writing this to say if you’re going back and forth with how to wear your hair, how to dress or act….DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO DO!

We only have one life and I’ll be damned if I allow society to dictate what I can do, how I can love and what I can achieve based on something as silly as a hair style when we got whole ass rapist and murders living their lives like ain’t shit wrong. So yeah regardless of how this journey goes with accomplishing what I want to, at least I’ll know I’ve been me 100% and the world had to make way for me and not the other way around.

[tallmantall]

#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth - Study: 1 In 3 #Teens Reported Poor #MentalHealth During #Pandemic

(NEW YORK) — The #pandemic has taken a toll on all Americans’ #mentalhealth, but now, a new study from the #CentersforDiseaseControlandPrevention reports that more than 1 in 3 #highschool #teens dealt with poor #mentalhealth during the #pandemic, and 1 in 5 reported considering #suicide. “Our study examined how recent #adversechildhoodexperiences, or #ACEs, are contributing to poor #mentalhealth and #suicidalbehaviors among #adolescents,” said Dr. Kayla Anderson, senior study author and expert with #NationalCenterforInjuryandPreventionControl. Over 4,000 #teens participated in a 100-question online survey. Nearly 3 in 4 #teens reported at least one adverse #childhood experience — such as #bullying, loss of a #parent or violence — during the #pandemic. Prior research has established a link between adverse #childhood experiences and an increased risk of chronic health conditions, changes in #behavior, #depression, #anxiety and #suicidalbehaviors. Researchers asked #teens if they had experienced electronic #bullying, #teen dating violence, #caregiver loss, food insecurity, sexual violence or emotional abuse during the #pandemic. #Students who said they had experienced one or two of these events were twice as likely to report poor #mentalhealth and three to six times as likely to report suicidal #behaviors. Meanwhile, #students who reported experiencing four or more of these negative experiences were 25 times more likely to report a #suicideattempt. Experts said the changes in teen’s #mentalhealth may be related to stressors from the #pandemic. “With #COVID-related threats to health, events in the news, and the accessibility of information online, it’s hard to insulate yourself from the #stress, and has been even harder to find stability, support and connection — which is what teens need most at this stage of their lives,” said Dr. Neha Chaudhary, chief medical officer at BeMe Health and #child and #adolescent #psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical #School. Because #suicide has been the second-most common cause of death among those ages 10 to 14, #mentalhealthprofessionals say more research is needed to address the influence the #pandemic has had on #mentalhealth in this vulnerable population. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy   http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Ways to help boost teens’ #mentalhealth #Adults can help #teens and #children by creating safe environments free of #bullying, online harassment and violence, according to #mentalhealthexperts. “#Teen #mentalhealth has become a public health emergency, and it’s time we started taking real, actionable steps to do something about it,” said Chaudhary. According to experts, anyone can be an advocate for #adolescent #mentalhealth. “We must connect struggling #adolescents to timely, effective care. Young people need all of the support we can give them,” Anderson said. If you are experiencing suicidal, #substanceuse or other #mentalhealthcrises, please call or text the #988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You will reach a trained crisis #counselor for free, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also go to 988lifeline.org. Read the full article

[fipindustries]

today i fell asleep during yoga

at the end of every class we have a relaxation moment where we lay on our back, close our eyes and try to empty our heads of all thought while hearing relaxing music and the teacher gongs that special bowl gong bell that some yoga instructors have.

i fucking completly blacked out. i didnt even registered what happened. one second i was there and the next i was teleported a few minutes later. they tried to wake me in many ways by turning the lights on and calling my name and i didnt even registered it.

so yeah pretty good all in all

[askmyboys]

I’d call these more, my own interpretations instead of just OCs

I’ll tell you how this happened tho, i was literally just comin back from a l o n g ass road trip listenin to the musical and my tired lil brain started thinkin bout these boys and i was like ...what if i just,, made my o w n versions of em? What if I just,, and then boom, out popped well, this-

| Names: Henry Jekyll and Edward Hyde

| Nicknames: Jekyll doesn’t much care for nicknames but Hyde calls him Jek, Hen or Hen-Hen, or Henny which he REALLY hates. For the other, it’s either Ed or just simply Hyde ...Jekyll has given him many ‘nicknames’ mostly they are hateful ones tbh.

| Genders: Henry goes by he/him and Hyde goes by he/him and it/its

| Ages: Unknown but they are both adults

| Heights: Jekyll is 5’7” and Hyde is like 6’6” for sure (even tho they inhabit the same body, fuck it, im makin the rules ..andchangingthemfromtheogthing but i say height changes when Hyde’s in control)

| Species/Races: Henry’s a human ofc and Hyde? Honestly, idk what this thing is, all i can tell you is he’s stinky

| Eye Colors: Jekyll’s eyes are a Baby Blue color and Hyde’s eyes are Blood Red (ooh e d g y man)

| Hair Colors: Jekyll’s hair is honestly a messy curly undercut and the color of it is a dark brown and he has gray on the sides meanwhile Hyde’s hair is Black and in a spiked quiff style and he also has gray on the sides

| Skin Colors/Body Types: Jek’s a BIT pale but Hyde’s a much more- his skin is definitely more so a Whitish Gray kinda color so it’s definitely more noticeable than Jek’s skin if you look close enough at that (things do have to change when a certain one is in control of the body, can’t be EXACTLY the same or else it might give away that their the same person hehe) and their body types don’t really change- Jek’s body type is skinny (nothing TOO bad ofc, just a tad bit) if Hyde had his own body he’d definitely be a more average kinda bulkier build.

| Appearances: Okay first things first- they both have circle beards EXCEPT Hyde’s is a LOT more scruffier (he also has thicker sideburns btw!) and a BIT more grown out than Jek’s which is trimmed a bit more and groomed perfectly.

Jekyll usually has the typical lab coat on and a baby blue turtleneck underneath it, he also has blue pants that he wears with it as well and some oxford shoes that match the outfit, he also wears circle glasses as well (they help him see a lot better p much whereas when Hyde’s in control he doesn't really need em actually) Henry has a GOOD amount of scars all over his body, whether it be by accident, inflicted on purpose, or something more… It’s partially why he keeps his turtleneck on mostly and the lab coat helps as well- he’s ashamed of the scars and he tries to hide them especially so no one will worry about him, also for some more minor details- he wears a black watch on his wrist as well (he has no piercings or nothin like that) that’s p much it for Jek tbh, his features are p much 100% human so uh yeye

Now onto Hyde’s outfit- And yes, keep in mind- he’s still kinda,, an entity or whatever the fuck he is inside Henry’s body essentially but he DOES change his clothes when going out- his main one for going out is usually a black cloak he wears around himself (the outfit underneath is a black suit vest with a long dark red tie (his shirt underneath the suit vest is a dark red long sleeved shirt), he also wears black pants, and dark red oxford shoes, and of course he’s got a black top hat on (the band on it is red, definitely keeping a black n red themed appearance here aint he?) (his other outfits, hm I can leave up to the imagination tbh this is just for when he’s travelling around and so other people don’t spot him nearly as easily, especially when it’s n i g h t t i m e…) he’ll wear whatever the fuck he wants, and it doesn’t have to be fancy in the s l i g h t e s t- he has a variety of options.

He also has pointed ears, razor sharp teeth (got them bear trap teeth but not only that, he’s got a lot more s e c r e t teefs than that ;) he’s a lot more monstrous on the inside than the outside i’ll say that much, Jek’s n Hyde’s anatomy does change and transform depending on who gains control ...honestly it probs hurt to have your body transform and shift like that ouchie) he also has multiple tongues, he has claws that he painted black and red for the a e s t h e t i c s ya know- and hell at this point he might as well have tentacles ...He might- but I mean if you really wanna know, fuck around and find out for yourself and fuck it- he also has a dark red devil style tail since he wanna act like fuckin Satan himself smh

...I made him a lot more monstrous than originally planned but eh its fitting- bc this is Jek’s body even with a LOT of changes in these regards, he’s got the same scars n such as that, he also wears black and red spiral gauges in his ears (I should also say, he can technically hide these features to make himself appear more human, i didnt originally intend on giving him any actual monstrous features except maybe sharp teeth, claws, n the pointed ears but here we are, he still gotta not arouse suspicion around him too much tho) also his eyes have dark circles around them, not because he’s a tired man he’s just a fucking- hellish bastard who loves to look intimidating.

| Personalities: Let’s uhh start off with Jekyll because he’s better and nicer and not nasty and gross n smelly looking- He’s kind, sweet, compassionate, caring, honestly wouldn’t hurt a fly himself- could never willingly hurt someone! A sweet babey man! He’s very intelligent- I mean,, he IS a Doctor after all, he takes pride in his work but it’s not that overbearing narcissistic type pride, he’s just proud of the breakthroughs he’s made ...Granted, there is one “breakthrough” he wished he could take back .. -glancing slowly at Hyde in the reflection of the mirror- ahem- but he’s always been pretty outgoing but a lot has changed since, that abomination came into his life, sure he still tries his best to be a good person, he tries his very damnedest to find some sorta way to separate or better yet a way to destroy this evil vile beast that plagues his and everyone else’s lives! He’d rather destroy Hyde than separate from him because even then, it's still back to square one only with worse damage since he’d be of his own free will now.

He shuts himself away in his Lab a LOT, as much as he can anyways to avoid going out and risking something more happening to anyone else, of course…

There is no avoiding the outside world forever, he needs things to eat and drink, he needs things to keep his body functioning and not to mention not going outside could drive him, well, more insane than he already feels he is- He just tries to be as quick as he can about it before the other takes control or tries to, Jek definitely has a lotta anxieties and fears, and ya know at this point I mean,, hell- the man’s got trauma- Sometimes he wonders if any of this is actually real, if he had just gone insane and was just imagining all this, sometimes his head hurt because of all the thoughts and potential scenarios along with their outcomes plagued his mind, he feels a lot of things he never thought he’d feel towards anyone, he feels anger and hatred toward Hyde but in a way aside from feeling so negatively toward the other, he can’t help but admire the way Hyde wishes to just simply l i v e, and even before this beast became apart of him… He was always anxious deep down and almost scared to take that jump when needed.

But Hyde? Hyde doesn’t seem to even c a r e! That thing lives it’s life without any care whatsoever, he doesn’t have any anxieties or fears at all it seems! In a way, Henry might even be a lil envious toward the other’s carefree attitude and that he’s free of anxieties and fears ...H-He still doesn’t want the other around, he still wishes to destroy Hyde of course, even with the envy and maybe a slight bit of admiration he has his morals and principals, and if Hyde continues to exist or w o r s e gets his own body it could prove v e r y perilous.

Now onto… Eugh, Hyde- The bastard man himself- He’s stinky- an evil bastard who really needs just a good punch in the face (god don't do it yourself tho, he’ll probs eat ur entire arm) Hyde’s absolutely disgusting, will do ANYTHING to get what he desires, he can be narcissistic in some regards, VERY prideful and greedy in many ways, he isn’t above committing murder like really, was he EVER above it? If he wanted, he’d literally murder you not even for a bag of corn chips but literally just one, psh- selling you to satan for one? Bah that’s amateur’s work! He’s somehow a minor inconvenience who can commit REALLY nasty and horrible atrocities at the same time if he feels like it, if he finds out something annoys you or REALLY pisses you off he’s going to keep doing it, he will literally try driving you insane just for the fun of it, really at this point it doesn’t seem like he HAS much of a goal but to just l i v e and cause chaos, destruction, and mayhem wherever he goes, he despises Jekyll in many ways, one being for trying to destroy him first and foremost but also Henny is just s o fucking weak, such a weak man with far too many anxieties, fears, etc- He’d be SO much better of a man if he’d simply let Hyde take control and STAY in control!

It’d make everything a lot easier, then Jek wouldn’t have to worry about ANYTHING ever again! No more of that pathetic nonsense! If it were possible, Hyde would absolutely l o v e to have his own body, separate from Jekyll, that way he could have his own life separate from that pathetic weakling’s! But… Even then, Jekyll and Hyde are one, in many ways they are absolutely apart of one another, two sides of the same coin, even with their MAJOR differences in personality and Hyde almost seeming like an entirely different entity just merely possessing Jekyll, after all, Hyde will admit it himself, he spawned from deep within Jekyll’s mind, he’s tried to get the other to see time and time again that he’s always been apart of the other deep down, Jek’s always had a more mad and evil side to him! Even if the other will deny this and take the denial to his grave, Hyde always persists in trying to get the other to see the truth in front of his eyes!

Aside from that tho, Hyde is just generally a dick and loves to mess with Jek and terrify him sometimes for literally no reason, hell he could be bored one day and decide “Hey Henny, fuck you, you suck” he loves to start drama, he loves to cause problems on purpose- Both of them would give anything to separate from each other, even if Hyde knows the truth deep down bout the both of them, even if he were always originally a part of Jekyll, it didn’t matter, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to get his own body, away from that pathetic coward of a man!

| Side Facts: Jekyll rarely ever gets to relax or any free time, he’s too worried to give himself that in fear he’ll lose control, he’s almost CONSTANTLY fighting to keep control over the other, even though he knows it's physically impossible to do so, after all, he can’t stay awake forever, sure that doesn’t stop him from trying to stay awake as long as he can before his body practically forces him to pass out and he’s MUCH weaker than he used to be, I mean hell, given how long Jekyll seems to have been around, fighting SO much and almost EVERY single day has practically worn his body down but whenever there is an opportunity for any “free” time he usually spends it trying to figure out an antidote or a way to get rid of Hyde (I will say, before Hyde REALLY started doing bastardous n horrendous things, Jek would still get annoyed with him bc he was always that way but he actually, I’d say tolerated him more so than he does by now) and Hyde even- well, he still disliked Henry IMMENSELY so, but he definitely wasn’t as bad or as awful as he is to the other now, it was more so I tolerate you and we dont have to seriously fight or struggle with each other for control and back then Jek would even sometimes let Hyde have control.

But then… A serious incident (I wont name what exactly) but a serious incident that happened caused the two to absolutely despise each other (i didnt say up there, yes, Hyde absolutely despises Jekyll but there is some heavily hidden admiration in regards to the other’s determination, his persistence, and even somewhat of his creativity, Jekyll despite being an annoying nuisance in Hyde’s way, he does have some admirable things about him) but anyway- ever since that incident occurred, Jek has tried almost EVERYTHING he knew of to get rid of Hyde, even if separation from his body would still be bad bc that could mean Hyde would obtain his own body honestly? I believe Jekyll would still take that opportunity if he were given it, if he needed, he’d try and find someway to stop Hyde’s evil, maybe it’d be easier even if the other had his own body, he didn’t know, he just wishes he could be free from all this torment and agony like gosh damn give this man a b r e a k. Give him some fruit gummies and an appy juice carton and leave him be!

When Hyde is in control he wastes little time in finding things to do, being able to be out, to see the world, the world ripe for chaos and destruction, he wastes little time in getting straight to work with whatever his devious lil mind wants to think of- also for more monstrous purposes, back up there, I was p vague with the mention of teeth on his insides- p much teeth going down his throat and hell who knows, the bastard probably has teeth on the inside of his stomach at this rate- Another not so fun fact, this man can unhinge his jaw! Yaaay so u can see sharp teefs! ...He does have to kinda set his jaw back in place though bc god forbid Jek takes control then.

Smh imagine taking back control of your body only to have a fucking dislocated j a w wouldn’t that be hellish?

Hyde rarely ever does this for a few reasons- he only does it if he’s in the mood for just takin a big chomp outta someone (big chompy) just, just please- lock this thing away- or kill it, it's a menace to society and deserves nothing good- two more things btw, tbh I genuinely wasnt even considering inhuman features at first but ya know, I compromised- he has them he just chooses to hide them more often and speaking of, while Hyde says he’s always been apart of Jekyll (well this version I made anyway) that deep down their two sides of the same coin, can you really believe him? I mean, I’m not going to spoil it and tell ya anything in that regard, but who knows, who knows what Hyde REALLY is, whether or not he’s always been apart deep down inside of Jek or just some form of entity that spawned via that wonderful little formula.

And the final thing is, their voices are p much based on the musical ones' voices- Hyde’s is that deeper n raspier kinda voice while Jek’s is much softer and ya know POLITE sounding.

[schrijverr]

Bi-sties

Reggie starts to question his sexuality. After a talk with Julie he discovers he’d bi, later he comes out to Luke and Alex,who love him

On AO3.

Ships: none

warnings: none really, but tell me if I missed anything or if you want me to tag something.

~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t like Reggie had never thought about it. Of course his brain had drifted to the possibility that he might like dudes when Alex came out, but he had quickly established that he liked girls and with the confidence in his own sexuality, he had allowed the thought to be forgotten.

And then Luke had to go out and prove he had “chemistry with everyone he sang with.”

When he began to sing it was kind of funny actually, but then he kept getting closer and closer until he was cradling Reggie’s head and looking him straight in the eyes. And suddenly Reggie’s thoughts were anything but straight.

Luke had been hot and for a split second Reggie wished the other would kiss him.

He knew he was completely flushed and his brain was fried, since he allowed that first through to actually come out of his face.

But that wasn’t even the worst part, the worst part was Luke kissing his fingers and the pressing them to Reggie’s lips, indirectly doing what Reggie had hoped he would. KISS HIM.

His face must practically match his flannel and he needed to get out of this situation quickly, so he cleared his throat and said: “Girls, am I right?”

And when Alex said no, a small voice in his head, couldn't help but agree.

After that it was just a spiral. Reggie managed to be himself in front of his friends, but inside his head was a mess. It felt as if his whole reality had shifted and he was starting to question every crush he’d ever had.

That did not help, since he was very sure that all the crushes on the pretty girls had been 100% real and not faked, but how did he like boys then? If he did, that was. Could he like both? No, that would be weird, he’d never heard of that.

Maybe he was straight with an appreciation for boys? But that did not seem right after he had found himself fantasizing over big muscles holding him tight.

So maybe he was gay with an appreciation for girls? No, he still looked at soft lips and wondered what it would be like to kiss them or how it would feel to put his hands on their hips.

The whole thing was just really confusing.

He was still thinking about it a few days later, just lying on the couch and looking at the floating chairs while Alex and Luke were off to their usual haunts. Heh, haunts. That would have made him laugh if he wasn’t so preoccupied. Preoccupied enough to not notice Julie enter.

She looked at him for a moment, before she asked: “What’s bothering you?”

Reggie startled violently and fell off the couch. He pouted as he got up and said: “Hey, you don’t scare a ghost, okay. That’s our job.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Julie told him in favor of ignoring his comment.

“Uhm,” for a moment Reggie thought about just spilling his guts, but he didn’t want to bother Julie and he was afraid of what she would say, “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Why’d you think that?”

Julie raised one disbelieving eyebrow and answered: “So all the distracted looks and the moping when you think no one is around is nothing? I somehow find that hard to believe, Reggie. You know you can talk to me right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do.” and he did, Julie was super nice and she never judged, which was exactly why Reggie didn’t want to lose her over his own stupid emotions, “It’s just dumb, that’s all.”

“And why is it dumb?” Julie asked.

He gestured vaguely in the air and shrugged: “Just confused about me, but nothing to worry about, I’m fine. It won’t come between practice.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about Reg, I’m worried about you.” Julie told him kindly, “If it’s too personal to share I will respect that, but if I can help, know I won’t judge and can keep a secret.”

Reggie bit his lip, the offer was very tempting and it had been eating him up inside for so long now that he just wanted answers. He glanced between Julie and the floor a few times, then he softly admitted: “I think I’m not straight.”

It was almost inaudible, but Julie was listening very closely. She sat down next to him on the floor and said: “That’s completely fine, you know it is.”

“Yeah, I know, but then I think I might not be, because I’ve liked girls my whole life and I still do, but then Luke. You weren’t there, but he was trying to prove chemistry and he sang to me and for a moment I thought he was gonna kiss me and then I realized I wanted him to kiss me. And now I’ve been thinking about it, but it’s all confusing and I hate it.” once he’d started it was hard to stop talking, so he rambled on until he ran out of steam.

Julie put an arm around him and pulled him to her side, where he sagged into gratefully. She was quiet for a moment, then said: “I don’t want to push anything on you and if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t, but I think you might be bisexual.”

“Bisexual?” Reggie had never heard that word before.

“It means being attracted to two or more genders, so boys and girls for example.” Julie explained.

He looked at her with wide eyes of disbelief as his brain tried to process what the fuck he had just been told. There was a word for it, he wasn’t weird or crazy. Still he double checked: “And you can just do that? It’s not weird?”

“Not weird at all.” Julie assured him.

“Wow, that’s cool.” he exclaimed, then after a beat of silence he softly said: “Julie? I think I might be bisexual.”

“That’s cool, Reggie. Thank you for trusting me with that. I love you.” Julie wrapped him up into a hug, which he returned wholeheartedly.

They stayed like that for a while. In that time Reggie’s thoughts drifted from relief to anxiety of what Luke and Alex would think. He knew that they accepted Alex, but this was different and maybe Alex would think he was faking it or Luke would regret coming so close to him after finding out he liked boys as well.

It seemed that Julie really was a witch or at least a mind reader, because she asked: “What are you thinking about?”

“Bout the boys. I don’t know if I want to tell them yet.” Reggie mumbled guiltily.

“That’s okay. You don’t need to come out if you don’t want to, just take your time.” Julie assured him, “I didn’t tell anyone for years after I figured it out.”

“You’re bisexual?” Reggie asked, surprised.

“Jup.” Julie grinned and showed him a bracelet with pink, purple and blue, “This is the bi pride flag. Flynn gave it to me after I told her. I used to have a huge crush on her, you know.”

“I can imagine that.” Reggie grinned back, looking at the flag again, it was pretty he thought.

“I can ask her to make you one if you’d like?” she asked.

“Would you do that?” he replied.

“Of course. We’re bi-sties, we need to match.”

Reggie snorted, before thanking her, after which they sat in silence for a few moments, just thinking, shoulder to shoulder.

Then Luke and Alex entered and practice began and the conversation drifted from Reggie’s mind as he got swept up into the music.

But he could not shake it completely.

He was intimately aware of every time he came close to Alex or Luke. He stopped skipping over to the other to share a microphone with him and didn’t touch Alex as easily anymore. It was dumb, he knew it was, but he couldn't help but think they would think he was coming onto them.

Vaguely he recalled that Alex had done the same, before he’d come out and they forced him to hug them again because they’d missed it. But that was Alex, Alex was different, Alex wasn’t a flirt like Reggie was.

Julie was still safe, though, and Ray. So, he would be in the house talking to Ray or jamming with Julie during the practices and that was nice, but he did miss the contact from his brothers.

His new behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed by his best friends, however. So after band practice a few weeks later they cornered him. Luke pouted sadly as he crossed his arms and asked: “Why are you avoiding us?”

“What? Me, avoiding you? You’re crazy, I’m not doing that. I’m right here, aren’t I?” Reggie tried to deflect.

It didn’t work, Alex just gave him a look and said: “Reginald, we’ve known you for too long for that to work. Just tell us what’s wrong. If we did anything, we’ll fix it, okay?”

He was quiet for a moment, then he shrugged: “It’s nothing. It’s dumb, I know it’s dumb, okay? Just working through something right now.”

“Are you okay?” Luke sounded worried and Reggie hated that he had made him sound like that just because he was being stupid.

“I’m fine.” he assured Luke, trying to sound as genuine as he could.

They both stared at him for a while, then Alex carefully said: “I don’t want to disbelieve you, but you also said that every time you fled from your parents fighting, so I’m kind of having a hard time doing that right now.”

Reggie looked at the floor and thought about it. He knew they would be accepting, probably, most likely, and he didn’t want to create a rift between them and he did miss them, even if they were right next to him.

Apparently he had been quiet for too long, because Luke carefully asked: “Reggie?”

He sighed, it would be better to come clean, he knew Julie would be in his corner, so they wouldn't kick him from the band and he’d been keeping his distance just fine. He could keep doing that no question.

“Do you know what there colors mean?” Reggie asked, pushing up the sleeve of his flannel to show the bracelet hidden beneath.

Luke and Alex inspected it closely, before they both admitted they didn’t.

That made it a bit harder, because now Reggie had to explain it and that was really scary. He bit his lip nervously, then softly said: “It’s the bi pride flag.”

He’d done some research on his own, Julie had loaned him her laptop, so he was a bit more confident in explaining, but he still was so anxious.

“Pride as in gay?” Alex asked, recognizing the lingo Willie had explained to him.

“Uhm, yeah, kind of, bi is like bisexual and it’s when you’re attracted to two or more genders, so I like boys and girls. I never really noticed until recently and when I did it was pretty rad, because I wasn’t weird or on my own, but then I thought you guys might think it’s weird and then I kind of spiraled and I’m so so sorry.” tears were falling from his eyes as Reggie took a deep breath, probably to continue rambling, but he was cut off by a hug.

“We love you, bro.” Luke said, “It’s cool that you found your own word, I’m happy for you man.”

“Yeah, you know we won’t think less of you or something. I’m glad you figured yourself out. Love you, dude.” Alex squeezed him tight.

Reggie cried into both their shoulders, glad to be home and with a weight off his shoulders.

They were startled out of the moment by the door opening and Julie saying: “Hey, sorry guys, I forgot my bag so I’m just here to- Are you guys okay? What happened?”

Luke and Alex started to explain at the same time: “Well-” “you see, Reggie here, uhm” “Got something in his eye.” “Yes, something in his eyes, yes. And we were trying to get it out.” “Exactly, that.”

“She knows.” Reggie snorted behind them.

“What?” they turned to him.

“Julie helped me figure it out, she knows.” Reggie explained.

“Oh you told them!” Julie looked at the exposed bracelet and connected the dots, “I’m so proud of you, Reg.” she turned to Luke and Alex, “And you’re good friends for trying to cover for him, that’s really sweet.”

“Well, yeah, I know how it feels.” Alex said.

That made Luke and Reggie pull him into a hug, while Julie made a sad face, before she too joined the cuddle pile. Their little heap of acceptance and love. Their family.

[fics-of-my-mind]

Trust - Chapter IV.

'I mean...,' I bit my bottom lip, thinking about my next words. 'You definitely seem like someone who would lay a girl over your lap when something wasn't going your way.'

I could see him sharply inhale as an effect of my words. I was satisfied with the reaction.

'What else do you think I'd do to her?' he asked in a slightly rougher voice. He was keeping his cool, no expression on his face. I could feel my blush returning, but I didn't care anymore.

'Mark her skin.'

'Define.' It was more of an order than a request and I didn't even think about refusing to answer. I started feeling really hot between my legs and fidgeting wasn't helping anymore.

'Your palm prints would show on her ass. Love bites on her neck and collarbone. Maybe even your fingertips on her hips if you are rough enough,' I said slowly, weighing every word. As embarrassed as I felt minutes earlier, now excitement and desire took over my mind. Nick seemed entertained, only a smug smile playing on his lips.

'Would I also pleasure her?' he asked with a dark glance, still not moving his eyes and not shifting in his seat at all.

'Of course. She'd have no reason to be unsatisfied.'

Warnings: mature content, BDSM content Pairing: Nick Jonas / Other Female Character This fanfiction can also be found on Wattpad by fnntth

I don’t own Nick Jonas or any other recognizable characters. This fanfiction is completely fictional, its only purpose is entertainment.

Chapter IV. - Yeah tonight, I’m gonna fly

Nick’s texts are bold

Milla’s texts are italic

what are you doing?

It's Saturday

so Netflix? :D

Netflix

Ever since the first time he texted me, about two or three weeks ago, we've been constantly texting. It was nice, having someone to talk to all the time. Due to the 9 hour time difference between us, we weren't in sync at all. Most of the times I was already working while he was asleep and when he went to bed at night, I was already up, ready to start my day.

It was weird, a little bit hard to get used to, but still worth it. During the weeks I got to know little things about him, like in fact, he ate an omelet with feta cheese and spinach almost every day, that he liked to work out in the mornings rather than in the evenings, that he talked to his brothers every few days and he sometimes spent long hours without getting out of his home studio.

We talked about everything. Our likes, dislikes, families, jobs, dogs, our favorite Netflix movies or series, food, drinks, plus every random thing we'd find on the internet. The only thing that never made it into the conversation was Priyanka, which bothered me less than it should've. I've been home for weeks now, completely alone, only leaving the apartment for dog walks and for going to grocery shopping. The Face Time and Teams calls, as good as they were, never made up for the lack of human contact.

Talking to Nick took my mind of it almost completely. He's called me a couple of times, usually from his home studio – I guess that was where his wife would never bother him -, and we've spent hours talking about everything and nothing. On our third talk I've realized that I couldn't refer to him anymore as a complete stranger – I've shared things with him that I wasn't even comfortable sharing with my best friends.

I felt so free talking to him, letting go of my inhibitions and of the fear of the conversation turning awkward. I never really felt like this about anyone, and honestly the thought of Nick being the person who knew about my thoughts on the deepest level made me feel like I was in some ridiculous fanfiction. Things like this didn't happen in real life. They just didn't.

Maybe the knowledge that probably we weren't ever going to see each other again made me open up to him. Maybe the fact that he was married and there was no chance for my teenage girl fantasies to come true, made me act naturally around him. Whatever it was, it took my thoughts off of the quarantine and the current situation and I couldn't be more grateful.

I usually had this fear of being too much for the people around me. When I liked someone – as a friend -, I really loved them. I was the kind of person, who only had a few close friends, but would do anything for them. When I was thinking about those few people closest to me, there was nothing I wouldn't have done for them. I wanted to know about their lives, hang out with them and not being involved in something usually made me sad. And I was always afraid that this quality of mine would throw some people off, they'd thing I'm just too much, that I'm trying too hard.

So, I tried to keep it cool with Nick. Usually he was the one calling me and we'd only start up a conversation when he'd send the first text. After that we'd keep texting constantly, but since he was, well, Nick Jonas and he was the married one, I was careful. I didn't want to text him at the wrong time or call him when Priyanka was around. I mean, who would be happy if their husband kept texting some unknown girl...

how 'bout a call tonight?

haven't heard your voice for days

When he said things like this, my heart would usually start to race. Even though my brain was aware that there was a 0.0001 chance of anything ever happening between us, he was still one of the first few guys in my life that'd write something like this. I didn't mind it. It's been a while since I've had a crush on anyone, and who would be more perfect for this role than Nick? I've had a crush on him for the greater part of my life anyway.

Okay.

What time?

around 10ish?

My time or your time?

your night, my afternoon :)

Okay. :)

At the first time, I was so nervous when he has announced that he was going to call me. You see, I was someone who always found something to worry about. I was a mess. Then, into a few minutes of the conversation all of my concerns were gone. He's just had that effect on me, his voice was like a sedative for my nerves.

When I shared this with him, he's gotten used to calling me unannounced, not leaving lime for me to worry. It was better, and I've started truly appreciating it just now when my mind was all around the place again. He's left me about three hours to worry about nothing.

I tried calming my nerves with some series binge-watching, and the turning to my all-time favorite relaxing activity, my face care routine. I've cleaned, scrubbed, moisturized my face and the I threw up a face mask. It wasn't very effective, didn't make me any calmer but at least my skin looked flawless.

By 10 PM I was sitting on my couch, wearing some black yoga pants and a black top with only some sports bra. My hair was still slightly wet from my shower and I was wrapping myself up in my Harry Potter blanket when Nick called. On FaceTime.

Now, I was worried about all of the things that could go wrong during our call, like Priyanka walking on, or me saying something I shouldn't have said. Never has it ever cross my mind that Nick would just casually FaceTime me.

On normal days, I was wearing makeup. I was working for a beauty company, on a makeup brand, so any time my face was natural, I felt like something was missing, therefore I wasn't as confident as otherwise. Now there was nothing on my skin, except for some lip balm and I felt like panicking.

Not that the fact that Nick was FaceTiming me wasn't enough reason for panicking. I haven't seen his face for more than a month now – well, except on YouTube videos and on Instagram – and as much as I was looking forward to it, I was also anxious.

just answer it!

don't overthink it please

I looked at his text, and kind of hated the fact that he got to know me so well in mere weeks that he knew what was going on in my head. I so wanted to decline and call him back in a regular call, but somehow I could feel the authority in his text and decided that it wouldn't lead anywhere, he'd just call me back on FaceTime. After a deep breath hit the 'accept' button on my MacBook.

'You didn't mention anything about FaceTime,' I said with displeasure as soon as his handsome face showed up on my screen. God, I've missed seeing it.

'Thought I'd surprise you,' he shrugged, but there was a smug smile on his face. 'Hello Beautiful.'

'I don't like surprises,' I rolled my eyes. I didn't feel beautiful, not without makeup and in my home clothes, but Nick didn't seem to mind my outfit as he examined my face.

'Sush, you love them. Especially if the surprise includes me,' he said, all cheeky.

'Nick...'

'I just thought,' he started a bit more seriously. 'That we haven't been face to face since we've met. And it was time.' His face was honest, like he really wanted to see me. I bit my lips, thinking of a proper answer. 'I just love seeing your reactions,' he added, which made me roll my eyes again and earn another chuckle from him.

'Aren't you afraid that your wife will walk in and see you FaceTime another woman?' I asked the question, making his face lose the smile and the ease. I didn't want to ruin his mood, I was just worried. It wouldn't lead to anything good if Priyanka walked in the room and realized that Nick was talking to someone.

He pressed his lips together in a thin line and frowned. For a few seconds he didn't say anything, which made the anxiety in me rise.

'No,' he said slowly, wetting his lips with his tongue, which made me feel funny in my stomach. My reactions to him were ridiculous. 'Pri isn't home, she went to see a friend.'

'And what if she comes home?'

'I don't want to talk about her, Milla' he replied, putting the emphasis on my name. I didn't want to let it go, I knew that I couldn't let the worry go away completely if he wasn't a 100% sure that he was alone. He wasn't even in his music studio like when we usually talked, but somewhere which seemed like a living room. I opened my mouth, but he shot me up before I could say anything else. 'Milla.' My name sounded like a warning from his mouth and I couldn't help but nod.

Nobody has ever had an effect like this on me. I couldn't quite place it. Usually I was independent and stubborn, and wouldn't drop something that I wanted to talk about like this. But when Nick said, no, commanded that I let it go, I – almost – instantly obliged. It was honestly scary and it wasn't just about me being afraid that he will get tired of me. It was something else.

'Okay,' I agreed to his request, for whatever reason trusting that he knew when his wife would be home and trying to let go of the fear of her walking in. It wasn't a good feeling, I felt like a dirty little secret, even when we weren't doing more than talking.

'Good,' he nodded, satisfied with my answer. 'So I have a new neighbor.'

'Really?' I rolled my eyes. 'Of course, in Hollywood what would be a better program during quarantine than real-estate buying?' I said with much irony.

Sometimes Nick told me stories about the rich and famous acquaintances he had, and most of the times he'd laugh with me about the craziness. As rich as he himself was, he could still laugh at the crazy rich, like the Kardashians. It was surreal, hearing real life stories about people that I've only known before from Instagram and the celebrity news websites.

'You can laugh all you want, but people have time now to actually see some offers for real, and not just buy something that their agent recommends' he said.

'You're also buying a new house, aren't you?' I asked, suspicious about his answer. He ran his hand through the hair on the back of his head.

'I've been looking at some listings. Real-estate is always a great investment,' he shrugged. 'By the way, it's Encino, not Hollywood,' he corrected.

'Well, it's still LA, isn't it?'

'Yeah,' Nick nodded. 'So aren't you curious about my new neighbor?'

'Should I?' I asked, amused about his irritation for my lack of curiosity. Of course, I was curious, especially if he thought it'd be interesting. 'Who is it?'

'It's the guy who played in Fifty Shades of Grey,' he announced.

'Mr. Grey? Oh my God,' I grinned. I loved him probably much more than I loved the movie, since it was awful. When I first read the books, they weren't too bad though.

'Well, he usually goes by Jamie, but sure,' he chuckled.

'And will he move in, or is it just an investment?'

'I ran into him yesterday, he said he'll keep it as a holiday home.'

'I wonder if there is an RROP in it,' I said, only realizing what had just slipped my mouth when it was already out. I instantly covered my mouth, trying to take it back, even though it was only meant as a joke. Nick looked at me with a confused expression on his face.

'RROP?' he asked, and the tingling in my stomach has gotten worse instantly. Hearing him say the letters made me want to crawl out of my skin. I instantly regretted that Fifty Shades used to be a thing that I've fangirled about. 'What is that short for?'

'Nothing,' I replied quickly. I could feel the heat crawling up to my face.

'It's clearly not nothing. You're blushing,' he stated, and I had to run my palm through my face in embarrassment. Truth is, he was pretty good at making me blush, though he's never seen it through the phone. Now he could see everything on my face. 'C'mon, Milla.'

'Will you just drop it, please?' I asked in a small voice. I really felt embarrassed and he really enjoyed it, as the smirk on his face revealed.

'Nope,' he said, popping the 'P'. I groaned in frustration and covered my face in my palms.

'RROP stands for Red Room of Pain.'

After I said the words, it was quiet for way too long. I didn't dare to look up into the camera, and even if I was dying to see his expression and try to get a read on his face, I was way too embarrassed. This wasn't something you'd just bring up in a conversation like this, and even if we could've just let this topic go, I had a feeling that Nick had something else on his mind.

It both scared and excited me.

We've already touched on this topic, when back in Barcelona I called him dominant. He neither refused nor confirm it back then, but ever since we've been talking, he had some tells. I was quite sure now that he was, in fact dominating, just as I was sure that he knew what a Red Room of Pain was and I didn't have to go into details. Hell, maybe he's already been in one. Maybe he had his own in that mansion he was living in.

'Now why couldn't you tell me that?' he asked eventually, making me let my arms drop and looking back at the screen. He looked at me with an expressionless face, but I could sense the intrigue radiating off him, even through the screen.

'Well,' I started, licking my bottom lip. 'Because it's embarrassing.'

'Thinking about things that interest you?' he asked in his deep voice. 'I mean, from that heated reaction it's quite obvious that you're interested,' he added.

Honestly, I was interested in this. I think Fifty Shades was the thing that made me dive deeper into the BDSM world, to read about it, learn about it. It excited me, and even though I've never tried anything, it was a constantly part of my daydreams. Well, my daydreams in connection with sex.

'No, not thinking about them,' I shook my head. It was easy to open up to Nick about a lot of things, but this was different. This was something that I've only had a real conversation about in my mind. 'Talking about them is different though.'

'I want you to feel free to talk about anything with me. I thought we are over this,' he said frowning. He wasn't happy with my answer, I could tell. There was something in his eyes that I couldn't identify.

'We are, but this... It's not something I feel comfortable talking about with anyone,' I sighed, quite frustrated with this topic. I never expected the conversation to turn like this, but I could only blame myself. Well, and Nick for not letting it go.

'What? Sex?' he asked, raising his eyebrows, and as he said the word 'sex', I shifted in my position, feeling uncomfortable.

'Yes. It's just not something I go around talking about with everyone,' I shrugged. Nick looked at me for a long minute, with a gaze so deep as if he could see into my soul. I fidgeted again.

'No,' he shook his head. 'You don't talk about this with anyone. You've never talked about sex with anyone,' he said slowly, still shaking his head. I hated when he analyzed me.

'Nick.'

'I know you never had a long-term boyfriend, but not even with your sexual partners? Friends? No one?' he asked, and suddenly I was feeling like he was judging me. I didn't like this.

'I'm not a prude, Nick,' I said. I really wasn't. I mean, I don't really think any prude would be interested in BDSM.

'I know that,' he nodded, raising his hand apologetically. 'I didn't mean to be insensitive.'

I sighed. I know he didn't mean it, but this whole conversation was making me uncomfortable, yet excited. This was probably the first thing I felt weird talking about with him, but then again, it would've been uncomfortable with anyone else. Probably even more so...

'Of course I talked about sex with my friends,' I said eventually, giving in. His face was way too remorseful, and I didn't want him to feel sorry about bringing up a topic which was natural. Especially since I am the one that accidentally brought it up. 'But not about my deepest interests. We aren't that kind of friends that just share these things.'

'Do you think we can be the kind of friends that do share these things?' he asked with genuine interest on his face.

'Why do you want to talk about this so much?' I asked, wanting to understand his motives. It's one thing that I've had no one to talk about it with, but him... He was married for God's sake.

'Because I'm interested in whatever is going on in your head.'

'Why?'

'You fascinate me,' he shrugged. I looked at him with my mouth open. Fascinate. I don't think that was a word that anyone has ever said about me. Especially not to my face. 'Your reactions are really something else.'

I hummed, trying to process his honesty. I had no idea what we were doing, where this was heading to. But seeing the look on his face, I didn't want to shot him down, I didn't want to disappoint him.

'Okay, it interests me,' I admitted, jumping back to the original topic.

'Sex, or...?' he asked hesitantly, clearly not wanting to push me.

'BDSM.'

'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?' he chuckled smugly.

'But I think, it also interests you,' I added. I just hoped that I was in fact right and wasn't heading towards another great embarrassment.

'What makes you think that?' he asked, raising his eyebrows, but there was a smirk on his lips.

'I already told you Nick, you're a dominant little fuck. It shows,' I shrugged, with a smile in the corner of my mouth.

'Am I really?' He was smug, never moving his gaze from mine. It was a dangerous game, guessing. Somehow I felt like I was right. I also felt like he wasn't just going to admit it, but suddenly, talking about this with him, I had to know. So I had to find another way.

'I mean...,' I bit my bottom lip, thinking about my next words. 'You definitely seem like someone who would lay a girl over your lap when something wasn't going your way.'

I could see him sharply inhale as an effect of my words. I was satisfied with the reaction.

'What else do you think I'd do to her?' he asked in a slightly rougher voice. He was keeping his cool, no expression on his face. I could feel my blush returning, but I didn't care anymore.

'Mark her skin.'

'Define.' It was more of an order than a request and I didn't even think about refusing to answer. I started feeling really hot between my legs and fidgeting wasn't helping anymore.

'Your palm prints would show on her ass. Love bites on her neck and collarbone. Maybe even your fingertips on her hips if you are rough enough,' I said slowly, weighing every word. As embarrassed as I felt minutes earlier, now excitement and desire took over my mind. Nick seemed entertained, only a smug smile playing on his lips.

'Would I also pleasure her?' he asked with a dark glance, still not moving his eyes and not shifting in his seat at all.

'Of course. She'd have no reason to be unsatisfied.'

'Elaborate.' Came the next command. I rolled my eyes. 'Don't roll your eyes at me!' His voice was still calm but it had a hidden edge that made me quail.

'Sorry,' I said, wetting my lips. His glance moved to my lips, then back to my eyes. 'I think you'd make her wait, torture her, refusing to kiss her where she wants you the most.'

'Where is that?' he asked, and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him again. Of course, he was going to make me say it out loud.

'On her clit.'

'Would I only use my tongue?'

'At first,' I nodded, feeling very hot in my clothes. I'm sure that my panties were already soaked with my wetness. 'Then you'd add a finger. Then one more. Probably a third one.'

'Would I also pay attention to her breasts?'

'I guess,' I shrugged. Honestly, I have no idea. Boobs have never really been a big turn on for me, but I guess for some people they are. 'And she would also pleasure you.'

'How so?'

'She quite likes to give blowjobs. She would lick you, then try to swallow you.'

'Do you think she can fit me into her mouth?' he asked smugly.

'No way,' I chuckled. 'We've all seen that photoshoot, Nicholas.'

'Would she want me to help?' Came the next question. I needed friction, I needed to move my hand closer to my heat, but I couldn't risk him noticing. We were just talking after all, it would've been super weird.

'Would she want you to fuck her mouth?' I asked with a dry mouth. We were talking about 'her', but we both knew we were talking about me. He nodded, swallowing. 'Yes.'

'How do you think I'd take her?' he asked, his voice now even deeper and slightly hoarse. It made me feel even hotter.

'Up against the wall,' I bit my lip hard as I closed my eyes and imagined the scene before me. This, I was good at, daydreaming, imagining scenes that haven't happened. 'Then however you can access her the best.'

'Would I be rough?' I swallowed at his question.

'Yes. She'd want you not to hold back.'

'Then she doesn't know what she's up against,' he said in his deep voice. 'Eyes on me, Milla.' I opened my eyes, only to see him leaning closer to the monitor. I couldn't see him past his chest region, but there was no way he didn't have a reaction. 'Do you think I'd let her be on top?'

'Perhaps,' I said, biting my lip. 'So she could sink down on you and you can completely fill her up.' I knew my face was red like a tomato, but I didn't care. 'But you'd still have all the control.'

'How would I make her come?' he asked, now breathing a little bit heavier.

'You'd make her come multiple times. With you inside of her, so you could feel her walls pulsating.' Thank God for all of those smutty fanfictions I've read, which provided me with the vocabulary, so I could perfectly express my thoughts to him. 'You'd pull her hair and play with her clit, you'd bite on her shoulder, slap her ass creating friction.'

'Would she be able to come with me?'

'If you get her on edge again, sure.' I resisted the urge to close my eyes again, rather I concentrated on the man on my screen. 'So am I right?' I asked.

'About what?'

'About you being dominant.' He licked his lips before answering, and I really really wanted to touch myself at that.

'I do like control,' he nodded. I was right, wow. I grinned at him and he ran his hand through his stubble. 'How wet are you right now?'

'Nick!' I gasped. This was something I didn't expect. We have been talking about an imaginative 'she' up until now after all.

'How wet?' he repeated, not seeming amused about my modesty anymore. He expected an answer and I've never felt this embarrassed in my life. 'Milla,' he said my name impatiently.

'Wet,' I said, dropping my glance to my lap. I couldn't help it, I just wasn't this confident person who felt comfortable talking about this face to face.

'Are your panties dripping?' he asked, and I looked up at him with shock on my face. 'I want you to check.' Our gazes connected and as much as I wanted to deny his order, something in me didn't let me. I dipped between my legs.

'I can feel my wetness through my yoga pants,' I said quietly, almost whispering.

'Good,' he replied smugly. 'I want you to think about the scene we've just played through when you touch yourself tonight,' he said.

Before I could reply anything in my shock, he disconnected the call.

[lihikainanea]

The idea of Tiger almost fainting during sex has me intrigued. What if she did faint? Not even necessarily during sex, but just in general. We know she’s not the best at taking care of herself and pushes herself constantly, so maybe she goes snowboarding with Valter and she never takes a break. So by the time the two of them get back, she’s exhausted and collapses. Good Dude Bill always seems so calm, despite his worries, but would Tiger actually losing consciousness change that?

Oh my god, I have so many scenarios for this.

First of all, when I teach self defence, usually we have the participants sign the classic waiver that basically says please don’t sue us if you get hurt–but then we also sort of try and delicately ask if they are currently dealing with any triggers, any PTSD from maybe an incident that happened in the past. I’ve taught self-defence in women’s shelters, in schools, basically everywhere and I always adapt my lessons to the women that I’m teaching, because sometimes it can be very triggering–especially if we’re dealing with grabs, from-behind attacks, the works. In any case, this one woman said she didn’t have triggers but that she would literally just like….faint. When she got spooked or surprised, she deadass fainted. So while we were working on grabs from behind, on an attacker physically trying to pin your arms and pick you up or drag you somewhere, even though this poor woman KNEW I was going to grab her and even gave her a countdown–she fainted in my arms. Every single time.

So like, what if tiger has something like that? I think she has a case of coulrophobia because clowns are fucked up, and Bill’s family probably has a few of those clown masks hanging around that they like to make fun of him with. Except tiger never really mentioned her intense fear of clowns to Bill’s family, because why would she, and then Valter suddenly pops up behind her wearing the clown mask, grabs her shoulders and boom–tiger wilts. Bill catches her because of course he does, swoops in right as she faints and lifts her up in his arms, giving Valter the death glare. He’ll have some choice words with his little bro as soon as tiger comes to, but for now he carts her off to the couch, goes to get a cold rag for her forehead.

But I also really like this idea that like…tiger really is just shit at taking care of herself. And often times, she will run on empty for so long that eventually her body just….gives out. And if Bill is home then he definitely tries to circumvent it, to stop it before it happens, but sometimes he just can’t. Sometimes there’s no reasoning with her. And how sweet/terriying is it–guh, maybe it’s a work thing, right? A huge project. And tiger is burning the tank on empty and then some–not sleeping, not eating right, her anxiety is dialled to 100 and all Bill can do is just try and be there for her, but despite his insistence and his concern she’s going full steam ahead. And it’s gone on for so long that maybe by the time the project launches, tiger is just this ball of full on anxiety, stress, malnutrition, the whole bit. And at a work function to celebrate the launch–hell even if it’s just a casual happy hour–tiger is having to do a lot of everything else she hates. Shmooze. Fake laugh. Talk to big wigs at the company. And Bill can see it, can see her mind finally shutting down and her body following suit. She’s a sickly pallor colour, her eyes are sunken in, and every time Bill reaches a soothing hand to rub her back, she’s clammy as hell. She’s a little wobbly and her eyelids are twitching, and she keeps pinching her nose between her fingers that way she does when she’s trying to fight something off–a migraine, a bout of nausea, whatever.

She wobbles to the bathroom at one point, it’s not discernible to anyone who doesn’t know her well but she leans heavily on the walls down the corridor and Bill follows her, pushes his way into the one stall with her as she falters.

“It’s okay kid, I’ve got you,” he wraps his arms around her waist tightly from behind.

“Bill–” she objects, but her knees are already giving out.

“You can do your thing tiger, I’ve got you,” he murmurs in her ear. Because at this point, there’s no use fighting it–it’s too late. This is happening, and it’s more about making sure she’s safe and okay when she comes to. And sure enough, as soon as he murmurs it to her–she just goes limp in his arms. Faints. Passes the fuck out. Bill sinks to the floor with her, boosting her legs up, wetting some paper towels for the back of her neck and just keeping her head on his lap. She’s never usually out for long, only a few minutes, and it’s like a reset for her body when she’s gone too far. She’ll wake up dizzy, unfocused, she might throw up. It’ll take her some time to be able to stand and even then, she’ll wobble. It’s fine, he’s already planning a way out from the work thing and the stern talking to can wait until tomorrow–when she’s had a proper night’s rest and a few good meals.

but ALSO–look, I warned you I had a lot of scenarios–also, I think tiger is shit at taking care of herself when she’s having a lot of fun. Listen man, our girl is scrappy, but her survival instincts are basically at zero when she’s surrounded by love and comfort and warmth because like…whatever, somebody else will handle it for her. If she’s gone too long without eating, Bill will point it out. If she’s not sleeping well, he’ll point that out too and help her fix it. Surely, one of the other bros will make a passing comment about how maybe she wants a vegetable–like an actual one–to go along with that humongous plate of French fries. Or about how aquavit is called water of life but how she should also maybe drink some actual water. Either way, listen, that Swedish fresh air in the mountains you know? Man, that shit is good. So maybe her and Valter do go snowboarding. And maybe it’s an awesome day and they’re at it for hours–from basically morning until late evening. And snowboarding is hard fucking work, man–from all the falling and getting up, and then when you actually do get the hang of it, basically every single muscle in your body is clenched and strained for the entire time that you’re upright. It’s a fucking workout. 

So they’re having fun and Valter is a hoover so he’s basically stopping for food whenever he can–but it’s quick stops. A breakfast sammie on the way to the mountain. A few stops at the various hot dog carts on the way down the mountain, on his board. Some gatorade from one of the vending machines. And he just assumed tiger was doing the same, because she never mentioned she was hungry or thirsty. But it’s because tiger literally doesn’t feel any of those things when she’s having fun or when she’s competing–and right now, Valter has beaten her down the mountain 3 times out of 5 and tie your tuque on tighter blondie, that ain’t gonna fucking happen.

So the next time they’re at the top, tiger counts to three to start off their descent and then guns it like she’s a pro in the Olympics. She’s able to cut and glide down the mountain, reaching the bottom a good 15 seconds before Valter does. And when he finally slides down and brakes–no doubt showering her in snow–she fist pumps, yells. Gloats.

“Eat shit, Sweden!” she points at him and yells, “I win!”

And then, to Valter’s horror, she just falls right back. Crumples at the knees, wilts, and fucking faints. Because she’s starving, because she’s totally overheated in her snowsuit, because she’s dehydrated, and because this was a lot of exertion on a very empty tank.

Valter panics, starts smacking her cheeks–which are bright red, and way too hot. Right, she’s probably too warm. So in an effort to cool her down, the idiot starts shoving snow down her snow suit. Just unzips it, grabs it at the neck, and shoves handfuls of snow down it. Tiger comes to a few minutes later–now fucking freezing–asks him what the hell happened. Valter couldn’t even explain it if he wanted to, but even in her haze, tiger figured it out.

“Right. I need lunch,” she grumbles, and then grabs him by the front of his suit and pulls him in, “Valter? Don’t tell Bill. Not a fucking word.”

And then as she gets up, she grabs a handful of snow and shoves it down his shirt.

“Asshole,” she mutters, “Why the fuck would you shove snow down my shirt.”

And when they get back that night, they both try to play it casually. But as she takes off the jacket to her suit, Bill leans in for a bear hug and makes a face.

“Why are you soaked?” he asks. His first clue in was when both of them got shifty eyes at the exact same time.

“It’s uh, sweat,” tiger tries, “Snowboarding is hard work.”

Bill glares at her but she doesn’t flinch, then his eyes flit to Valter. Valter has had a tell since he was a little kid–when he’s lying or uncomfortable, he picks his eyebrows. Bill glares at his little bro, glares at all the little plucked blond hairs he can see fallen on his shirt.

“What happened.” and it’s not even a question–it’s a demand. A statement. Tiger whacks him lightly, laughs.

“Nothing, bud,” she tries, but it sounds fake even to her. Bill’s eyes are still on his brother.

“Valter,” Bill advances on him, “Why does it look like a little blond fox ran across your shirt?”

Bill flicks his hand over where all of the blond one’s eyebrows are on his shirt, Valter visibly winces. Tiger makes a cut-throat gesture to him from behind Bill.

“She passed out, man,” Valter is weak.

“She what,” Bill’s head spins on a swivel, eyes tiger down.

“I don’t know man, I’m sorry, we were racing down the hill–”

“Valter!” it’s tiger’s turn to shriek, but Bill just turns back to his brother and places a giant hand over tiger’s mouth without even looking back at her.

“And she won and when I got there she just looked at me and fucking fainted man I don’t–”

“You swore!” tiger peels Bill’s hand away from her mouth to yell at him some more, but it’s muffled again soon after.

“She fain–” Bill starts to accuse little bro, but then turns his attention back to tiger instead, “You fucking fainted?”

Tiger tries to bite the hand covering her mouth, but it doesn’t work. Bill snaps back to little bro.

“Did you feed her? Valter I told you that you needed–”

She lands a bite and Bill yelps, retracting his hand and shaking it out.

“She is right fucking here. And she is a goddamn adult. I don’t need anyone to remind me to fucking eat, Bill,” she crosses her arms, and Bill looks at her in challenge.

“Oh really?” he quirks a brow, “Tell me then, kid, what did you eat today?”

Tiger opens her mouth, but then realizes that she didn’t eat today and snaps it shut. Bill’s look of sheer righteousness was enough to keep her quiet for a minute.

“Why is she soaking wet?” Bill turns his attention back on little bro, who is shifting nervously.

“It’s sweat, I told you,” tiger butts in. Bill just points at her in warning.

“Valter,” he says again. Valter actually winces.

“I shoved snow down her shirt to try and get her to come to,” he mumbles, “I thought maybe she overheated.”

Bill pinches his nose and winces as if this physically pains him, and tiger actually feels a little bad for the toe-looking one. He really did his best given the circumstances.

“I WAS overheated,” she says, “Thank you, Valter. It worked.”

She walks to him and raises her hand for a high five, but Valter isn’t stupid. And he sees the fire in Bill’s eyes, so he leaves her hanging. Out of sheer fear of his older brother.

“You,” Bill grabs the back of her pants, gives them a rough yank and she stumbles back into his chest, “Kitchen. Now.”

“You,” he points at his brother, “I’ll deal with later.”

And like, how fucking cute is this–Bill being so pissed off and angry that this happened, all while taking such sweet care of tiger. Like, once she’s changed into dry clothes, he’s sitting her down and putting a huge bowl of delicious food in front of her. 

“Going the whole day without eating,” he mutters to himself as he puts a plate in front of her and grinds some fresh pepper over it, “What were you even thinking?”

She gives a half-hearted shrug, her mouth full, and pouts out her bottom lip as she pushes her now-empty bread plate towards him while he continues to putter about the kitchen.

“That was stupid, wasn’t it?” he asks rhetorically as he puts another bread roll on her plate and puts it back in front of her, “Cheese?”

She nods, and he grates some fresh parm over her dish for her.

“Yes it was stupid,” he continues, and he takes a clean fork, pushes some of the veggies on her plate to one side and scoops some more pasta onto it once she’s done her helping.

“There’s food all over that place,” he’s still muttering to himself as he scoops her some salad into a bowl, “You could have easily grabbed a bite. But no you didn’t, did you?”

She shakes her head, her eyes wide, and goes to stab some salad.

“Wait,” Bill says, “Green onions.”

He digs through the bowl with another fork, picking out all the big pieces so she doesn’t eat them. He sprinkles some salt and pepper over it and slides the bowl back in front of her.

“You’re an idiot,” he grumbles, “You know that?”

She shoves a huge forkful into her mouth, chews loudly.

“Your idiot,” she says, and taps her fork on her plate, “More, please.”

[razzstrid]

Lil Peep: Everybody’s Everything

As those of you know my OCD w music runs deep and I go through intense periods obsessing over one artist at time. I am like years behind my fellow gen Z pals and so I am just now discovering Lil peep. And so for the past month I think I have gone through every piece of music lil peep has produced from start to finish. I am just as surprised as you are. That being said I was so psyched to watch this doc. I saw that it premiered at SXSW and Terrence Malik was an executive producer which is just *chefs kiss*. It got a fucking 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and averaged 73% on IMBd and Metacritic .. but Jesus Christ was that misleading. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Lil Peep — I think he is deeply talented and creative and the doc did a good job highlighting that .. but maybe a lil too much. I will actually start of by saying that a lot of things in this doc touched me — how they destigmatized those who take a less traditional path after high school; how they really emphasized the unwaveringly loving and supportive relationship between Lil Peep and his grandpa; lil peep’s genuine good-heartedness and commitment to his friends and family; his rigor and tenacity in transcending the capitalist hierarchy of the music industry with his DIY approach to music coming from a less privileged family... like I really really admire him. Im rambling but in all seriousness the doc was fucked up. Fucked up. His avid drug addiction was glorified to a stupidly obvious extent: he was always “going hard” and “pushing the limits” in efforts of always “out-drugging” his friends — like what, you want to give him a fucking award? His lousy manager, Bryant Ortega, spoke so fondly about Peep throughout the doc but was pictured multiple times as more of a paparazzi than a fucking manager — taking pictures of Lil peep and his squad railing numerous lines of coke while sipping on lean. At one point in the doc there was footage of Lil Peep performing a show in LA when he had taken too much of something. He tells his managers he might not be able to go on yet he does ... a fucking lawyer says on camera that he was “worried whether or not Lil Peep would be able to find the stage” yet they do nothing and encourage him to go on. There he is shown on the stage, barely mumbling the words to “Hellboy” and taking sporadic breaks to put him head in his elbow ... meanwhile instead of grabbing this kid off the stage and putting him in a fucking ambulance his management team is huddled in the the wings of the stage, egging him on and debating whether or not they should call in a fake fire alarm to cancel the show. This is happening as Lil Peep sings his songs of depression, anxiety, and loneliness — everyone hates me but nobody knows me; looking for a reason to live but I can’t find shit; everything hurts, everything gets worse. That’s some really dark irony and it doesn’t stop there... These fucking bottom feeders of a management team flood the stage with fog to hide Lil peep as he become increasingly despondent and dissociative ... it was so fucking hard to watch this. But alas, Peep snaps out of his drug-induced daze and finishes the show seamlessly... and afterwards goes up to a talent lawyer at the show and says “see I told you I could do it.” The next clip features the lawyer astounded by Lil Peep’s performance along with the constellation of talent agents and scouts who attended that show ... oh great, another lost, vulnerable artist who was never taught how to handle fame... I kept on waiting for a comment from someone, anyone proclaiming their worry for lil peep’s drug abuse and mental health but not a single one ever came. Multiple clips in the same vein followed the lawyers comment — different management team members commending Lil Peep for basically not dying. Haza, another successful show manipulating and capitalizing off a deeply depressed, troubled young artist. These people are fucking sick — acting like role models and fostering a “trustworthy” relationship with lil peep built on the basis of manipulation disguised as devotion — they didn’t care about Lil peep but they sure did fool him by providing the tools and substances notorious for self destruction while entirely ignoring his well-being and denying his paralyzing misery which were the main theme of his lyrics. ISNT YOUR JOB TO LISTEN TO HIS SONGS? OH AND MAYBE THE LYRICS? Get a fucking grip. I utterly believe these people knew what they were doing to lil peep and chose their deranged careers over someone’s life. I hope to fuckijg god these people don’t have children but I’m pretty sure some of them do. Six months later Lil Peep was announced dead after taking a lethal amount of fentanyl laced. Snapchat and instagram videos are shown in the doc of Lil Peep passed out, unconscious in the background — his head entirely arched back and his body limp. Over the span of what was said to be 4-5 hours,  not one person even thought to check on him. The interviews that follow these heartbreaking clips are just an amalgamation of lies, denial, ignorance, and palpable inauthenticity— his fake friends and scum of the earth management team either deny the “conspiracy” behind his death, lie through their teeth in their “oblivion” to peep’s drug problem and depression, or project falsified grief. Dude like all these idiots interviewed for the doc talk ab how Peep never expressed his grief or depression... COULD HAVE JUST ONE OF YOU FOUND YOUR DAMN VOICE ??? I mean you sure did to ask Peep for drugs and money you fucking leeches. If someone would have just expressed the tiniest hint of grief, the tiniest bit of remorse in not speaking up or expressing their concern maybe Lil Peep would still b here today and this god awful, tone deaf documentary wouldn’t exist. What’s even worse is that these people are still profiting off Lil Peep — through this doc, through all of the demos and songs that were released after his death. It’s so funny (really actually not funny at all in the slightest) that Peep’s manager Bryant Ortega rambles about how as a celebrity you can snap your fingers and get anything you want: “girls, blow, booze”... (Thank u Sam for stating how girls were put on the same level as cocaine and alcohol) .. anyways yeah that statement seems to be limited to self destructive substances and empty material items. How bout some therapy? Ever heard of in-patient or out-patient? Psychiatry? This doc Obviously really upset me. Watching Lil peep self-sabotage through his inability to say no, over-generosity with his time and money, and emotional labor in maintaining falsified companionships was so heartbreaking. Really seemed like such a genuinely sweet kid who deserved a longer, much more fruitful and a much better support system instead of a fleet of clout chasers. Agh this all just really didn’t sit well with me. Rip lil peep

[citrinekay]

okay, 3 prompts (feel free to use some, all, or none of them!!!) 1: i really really love how you write kink between them. the power exchange is subtle but palpable. we don't see a ton of aftercare (although we have once or twice!), and i know a lot of that fits well with the story (they're still coming to terms with what they've done once the lust has passed). could we see some more extended aftercare? what does it look like for Bill to tend to Holden after he's broken him down?

I love this prompt! I’ve also been thinking a lot about Holden and his anxiety/panic disorder after finishing reading the Mindhunter book by John Douglas. If anyone doesn’t know, Douglas suffered a bout of viral encephalitis that was partially brought on by the massive stress of his job. At the time, he was the only person in the BSU working profiling full time and was working over 100 cases by himself! While in Seattle for the Green River killer (a case which went unsolved until 2001), he became critically ill and was in the hospital for weeks. Before reading the book, I had no idea just how substantial Douglas’s workload was at the time. I’ve been wanting to use the details of that case in my writing so this is the perfect opportunity. This is also goes really well with my fragile series so I’m thinking of this as a little vignette to that ‘verse. Enjoy :)

The Seattle skyline beyond the hotel window blurs into a mass of winking lights and distant starlight as Holden’s body sinks weightlessly into the sheets. Every inch of him is quivering, flinching; he feels raw and used in every way he’s been longing for since the start of this investigation, a seemingly endless parade of decomposed corpses being dragged from the Green River. 

For much of the first two weeks, they hadn’t found the time or energy for this kind of privacy, but it’s been two days since they discovered another dead prostitute in the water. Finally, a breather. 

Bill knows him well enough to see when it’s all becoming too much, when the waves are creeping up over his mouth and nose, when he’s starting to feel like he’s coming apart. He had suggested they take an early day today instead of spending the entire afternoon at the precinct, pouring over details that they’ve already looked at a hundred times before. But instead of getting drinks like he’d told the local cops they were doing, he’d brought Holden straight back to the hotel room. 

Ten flights above the ground, no one else could see when Bill pushed him up against the wall and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. No one could see when he ordered Holden to strip down and lie on the bed. The taut burn of the tie knotting around his wrists and securing him to the headboard was solely for him, an act of deviancy so far and wide from anything they study that at this point Holden can’t feel any kind of guilt in it. There’s always something tender in the violence of Bill’s hand breaking him, a warm, bubbling security in the pain slowly inching him towards the edge of the breaking point. One word from Holden and it would stop immediately, but that isn’t what he wants; and he trusts Bill to push him just hard enough to break, but not so hard that a gentle touch afterward can’t put him back together again. 

Now, two hours later, he’s lying in a heap of disassembled pieces, his limbs useless and humming, his body crying out in equal measures of pain and pleasure. It’s all over and quiet; the tears slipping from his eyelids are drying quickly. The weight is gone from his chest, replaced by a warm buoyancy, a great relief, a continuing exhale of satisfaction. 

Holden’s gaze drifts from the fuzzy lights outside the window when Bill slips back into the room with a bucket of ice. His movements are steady and practiced as he retrieves a bottle of water from the minifridge, and uses a few of the ice cubes to prepare a glass of whiskey. He sets the two drinks on the nightstand, and goes into the bathroom to retrieve a hand towel that he packs with the rest of the ice. 

When he comes back to the bed, he removes the knotted tie from around Holden’s wrists. As the pressure on his pulse lets up, Holden feels the hot rush of blood and the raw sting of his chafed skin reawakening. He swallows back a whimper of pain. 

Bill tosses aside the tie, and bends to plant a kiss on his cheek. “You okay?”

Holden nods. “Yes.”

“Here.” Bill says, uncapping the water bottle.

Holden shoots a glance at the whiskey. “I’m not allowed to have a drink after all that?”

“Water first.”

Holden represses a sigh, and takes the water bottle. Pushing up onto his elbows, he takes a long drink. 

Bill sits down on the edge of the bed beside him, and grabs the towel packed with ice from the nightstand. Holden clenches his jaw as the ice pack comes in contact with his backside, scorched skin hissing with both shock and relief. 

Bill takes a drink of his whiskey, ice cubes rattling quietly against the glass. 

“I think we’ve done about all we can do here.” He says, softly. 

Holden peeks over his shoulder at Bill’s profile, rigid in the soft, yellow lamplight. 

“We have other cases.” Bill continues, “I’m calling Ted tomorrow.”

“I can handle it.” Holden says, mustering a confident tone. “It was just a bad day, that’s all-”

“I’m not just saying it for you.” Bill says, shifting his gaze to Holden’s naked, broken body sprawled across the bedsheets. He moves the ice pack to a fresh patch of inflamed skin. “We’re not any good to anyone when we’re both burned out.”

Holden turns his focus back to the Seattle skyline crystallizing beyond the filmy sheen of the curtains. He can almost see the Green River from this vantage point, but maybe that’s just his imagination. 

Bill draws in a deep breath, and crawls onto the bed beside Holden. Keeping the ice pack in place, he presses a slow row of kisses down Holden’s shoulder blade, into the dip of his spine. 

Holden hums a sound of satisfaction, and lets his head drop to the pillows. The simmering smattering of kisses awakens new sensation, the gentility that follows the viciousness, the new, aching pleasure that can only be reached after the hardened exterior has been broken down and destroyed. Tears rush sudden and hot to his eyes, not from the pain like before, but out of something much worse. 

Bill lifts his head, and Holden quickly muzzles his misery in the pillow. 

“Hey, hey.” Bill says, concern bleeding into the low rumble of his voice. “Holden.”

“It’s okay.” Holden mumbles into the pillow, his throat thick with emotion. “I’m fine.”

Setting aside the ice pack, Bill sits up against the headboard, and drags Holden’s limp body into his arms. 

Holden presses his eyes shut as he settles down against Bill’s chest. Bill’s hand cradles his cheek, smoothing away the escaped tears as they trickle from the corner of his eye. 

“It’s going to be okay.” Bill says, the sound of his voice vibrating low in his chest against Holden’s ear. “Hear me?”

Holden nods. 

“Say it.” Bill urges, softly. 

Holden draws in a deep breath, trying to force out the shudder in his lungs, but he feels like he’s simply inhaling water. 

“The profile …” He whispers, “It doesn’t make sense for all of them, does it?”

Bill holds him closer. “What do you mean?”

“There’s more than one.” Holden says, “All the murders are similar, but not the same. I think there could be two unsubs, possibly three.”

Bill’s frown deepens. 

“How are we supposed to catch three unsubs if we can’t even catch one?” Holden asks, his voice hardening against the tears. 

“We’re doing the best we can.”

Holden pushes his forehead into Bill’s chest, trying to impress that thought into his mind, but it's a mantra he knows all too well - a mantra his anxieties can easily hurdle. 

“It just feels like I’m drowning with them some days.” He whispers. 

Retrieving Holden’s limp hand from the sheets, Bill lifts his raw wrist into a kiss. His breath trickles warmly down the inside of Holden’s forearm, soothing in a way that’s just as revolutionary as the burn of a hand across his backside. 

“I’m not going to let that happen.” Bill says, his voice unwavering. 

Holden sniffles quietly. 

“Do you believe me?” Bill asks. 

“Yes.” Holden whispers, his voice small and quivering. 

“Okay.” Bill says, “You need some rest. Let’s get a shower, and we can go to bed.”

Holden utters a whimpered complaint. His body is finally feeling unwound and relaxed, not wanting to move from its place wrapped up in the bed sheets and cuddled against Bill’s chest. 

“I’m not putting you to bed like this.” Bill says, gently chiding. “Come on.”

Bill wrangles Holden’s pliant body from the sheets, and leads them to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, he lets the water get hot before motioning Holden inside. He slides the glass door shut behind them, closing them off from the hotel room and the rest of the world. 

As the water pounds across Holden’s back, and the soap cleanses away his sweat and tears, he at last feels the prickle of anxiety drop entirely away from his mind. Maybe it's just the implacable exhaustion of too many long nights finally catching up with him, but when Bill holds him underneath the warm water, he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning any longer.

[tallmantall]

#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth - Study: 1 In 3 #Teens Reported Poor #MentalHealth During #Pandemic

(NEW YORK) — The #pandemic has taken a toll on all Americans’ #mentalhealth, but now, a new study from the #CentersforDiseaseControlandPrevention reports that more than 1 in 3 #highschool #teens dealt with poor #mentalhealth during the #pandemic, and 1 in 5 reported considering #suicide. “Our study examined how recent #adversechildhoodexperiences, or #ACEs, are contributing to poor #mentalhealth and #suicidalbehaviors among #adolescents,” said Dr. Kayla Anderson, senior study author and expert with #NationalCenterforInjuryandPreventionControl. Over 4,000 #teens participated in a 100-question online survey. Nearly 3 in 4 #teens reported at least one adverse #childhood experience — such as #bullying, loss of a #parent or violence — during the #pandemic. Prior research has established a link between adverse #childhood experiences and an increased risk of chronic health conditions, changes in #behavior, #depression, #anxiety and #suicidalbehaviors. Researchers asked #teens if they had experienced electronic #bullying, #teen dating violence, #caregiver loss, food insecurity, sexual violence or emotional abuse during the #pandemic. #Students who said they had experienced one or two of these events were twice as likely to report poor #mentalhealth and three to six times as likely to report suicidal #behaviors. Meanwhile, #students who reported experiencing four or more of these negative experiences were 25 times more likely to report a #suicideattempt. Experts said the changes in teen’s #mentalhealth may be related to stressors from the #pandemic. “With #COVID-related threats to health, events in the news, and the accessibility of information online, it’s hard to insulate yourself from the #stress, and has been even harder to find stability, support and connection — which is what teens need most at this stage of their lives,” said Dr. Neha Chaudhary, chief medical officer at BeMe Health and #child and #adolescent #psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical #School. Because #suicide has been the second-most common cause of death among those ages 10 to 14, #mentalhealthprofessionals say more research is needed to address the influence the #pandemic has had on #mentalhealth in this vulnerable population. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy   http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Ways to help boost teens’ #mentalhealth #Adults can help #teens and #children by creating safe environments free of #bullying, online harassment and violence, according to #mentalhealthexperts. “#Teen #mentalhealth has become a public health emergency, and it’s time we started taking real, actionable steps to do something about it,” said Chaudhary. According to experts, anyone can be an advocate for #adolescent #mentalhealth. “We must connect struggling #adolescents to timely, effective care. Young people need all of the support we can give them,” Anderson said. If you are experiencing suicidal, #substanceuse or other #mentalhealthcrises, please call or text the #988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You will reach a trained crisis #counselor for free, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also go to 988lifeline.org. Read the full article

[pandemicthestory]

4: tethered

The game has a name. 

The game is called Universe. And it matches the map. 

Thanks Iz.  

Emma sits at her desk, mainlining espresso to the bloodstream, and readying herself to do a deep dive on the internet. Since the beginning of high school, this is how she’s spent many nights--high on caffeine, slouched over her computer, and ravaging the internet for information. Except historically she hadn’t been looking for a faceless man, but researching for the essays of her classmates. 

At up to $300 a paper, Emma had been cleaning up and saving up for two years. Saving for a new life with Julian, away from the family that seemed to have a problem with everything she did. Once she was gone, they could finally turn her bedroom into a gym, or an opium den, really the possibilities were endless. 

Emma has nearly $20,000 in a bank account that no one knows about. No one except Julian. And this means she has almost reached her goal, and that they can finally leave. Get a car, drive somewhere south where it’s warm. Or maybe somewhere north where it’s Canada. They haven’t actually figured that part out yet, but once they get the car, the rest will fall into place. That’s what he’s assured her. And she has chosen to believe him. 

Emma is the kind of best friend who lies. She’s not proud of it, but it’s true. And she feels like she has no other choice. Zoe, Olivia, Madison...they might as well be her sisters. They understand her more clearly than her own sister does. The four of them were connected by the holiest of ways: playing tetherball at recess in first grade. 

In 2020, they had grown into a grungey aspiring comic book creator (Madison), soup-kitchen volunteering empath (Olivia), Harvard-bound jailbait (Zoe), and criminal internet troll (Emma)...but before this, they were four little girls who had one important thing in common: hitting a ball that was tied to a poll. Every day, they’d wait in line together. Madison would always get there first (back then she played soccer and no one could outrun her), and she would “save a spot” for Zoe, who was the most talented player at the time, and her key rival. Olivia, given her sense of morality, would often be called upon to referee any suspicious moves. Wasn’t it remarkable that a sport (that wasn’t even a real sport) could form a sisterhood?

Sisters. Sisters were supposed to know everything about you. But Emma had chosen not tell them about her illegal business. How could they ever understand? All of them with their aspirations and goals, wouldn’t they look at her differently if they knew hers was...money? And a future that in all likelihood would not involve them? That thought was something that caused her a lot of pain and guilt, and one that she made a mental note to talk to Julian about. They hadn’t settled on the terms of their new life together, but they knew that it would have to be a secret from anyone. Otherwise they would be caught and returned. Emma was hoping she could find a way to not cut off her sisters. That he would understand.

*crack*

Emma is startled by her bedroom window opening. Julian has this way of popping up whenever she’s thinking about him. Which happens to be often.

“Dude, can you please text me before you’re gonna come over? Aghh you’re all wet!”

Julian playfully shakes his hair like a dog. 

“It’s raining,” he smiles. 

“No it’s not. I can see out the window.”

“But wouldn’t that be so romantic if I climbed up the side of your house and snuck into your window through the rain?”

“You know, it would, but you didn’t.”

Julian sighs, giving Emma the look that means, “ok stop being an asshole and act like you love me.”  

“Alright I just showered. Look, I brought you flowers.”

“You brought me one flower, and it’s a dandelion from my front yard.” Emma cracks a smile, despite herself.

Julian groans and throws himself down on her bed. 

“Ok, so am I gonna just lay here by myself? You punishing me for something I don’t even know that I did?”

He smiles at her in that “you can’t say no to this smile” type of way. Emma concedes and flops down next to him. He wraps his body around hers, holding her tight. It makes her feel both safe and like she couldn’t get away if she wanted to. Julian is tall and lean, but strong. He has curly hair that always flops in front of his face, and his eyes are dark and wide. He smells like the shower, so that wasn’t a lie. He kisses her neck. She sighs. 

“I missed you.” She says softly. Because she really, really did. 

“I had to go away for a while, to make sure I had my half. And it...took longer than I thought it would.”

Emma sits up. “But you have it?”

He smiles and nods. “What about you, Em?”

Emma gazes off distantly. She’s basically there. If this virus bullshit hadn’t gotten in the way, she would have passed her goal in three weeks, tops. But now…

“I don’t have all of it. Since there’s no school, I’m not sure how I can...but I’m really close.” Emma braces herself for him to be mad, but he isn’t. 

“That’s ok, babe.” 

“It is...?”

“Yeah, we have more than we need. I said 40 because having some extra doesn’t hurt. But we’ll be ok. And we can leave tonight.” 

Emma half chokes, half laughs. “Tonight? Are you insane? I already know the answer to that.”

“Well why not?”

“Um, I mean there’s things I have to do before we go, Julian...lots of stuff actually, I mean I need to pack, square away my accounts, and say goodbye to Isabel, and…”

“Then how bout tomorrow?” 

Julian has a bit of a manic look in his eye, like he hasn’t slept in days, like he’s been doing something he shouldn’t. Emma takes a deep breath, she doesn’t want to know. 

“Give me, um, one week. Ok?” 

Was that a flash of anger that just crossed Julian’s face? It couldn’t be. Those days are past. Julian hides anything that might have been, then just pouts dramatically and nods. 

“One week.”

Emma lays back down with him and they begin to make out. Is one week enough time to sort everything out? To figure out Universe? To find Mason? 

“You haven’t even re-asked me to be your girlfriend yet…” she murmurs. He hushes her. 

They continue to kiss, as Emma’s anxiety grows. Julian’s hand begins to slide under her shirt, but she stops him. Abruptly.

“Julian, I want to tell my friends that we’re leaving.” 

He sits up next to her, immediately serious. 

“You know we can’t, Emma.”

Emma slumps forward. “Am I really just going to disappear without telling them where I’m going?” 

“Yes, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Anyone who knows what we’re doing is a potential threat to us being discovered. Honestly, what is the point of running away if you’re pretty sure that you’re going to get caught?” 

“But Julian, they’re like my sisters. It isn’t right. They’ll worry.” 

But worse than worry about her, they could forget her. They could close their little circle and be ok with just three sisters. They could be just fine without her. And that is, strangely, the worst fate that Emma can imagine. 

“Emma, no. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” 

He gets off the bed and straightens his clothing. He puts his shoes on. 

“Where are you going?”

Julian flashes her a look. This time, the anger lingers. 

“There is a fucking virus that’s going to kill half this country. Right now, people are quarantining because they agree to it. But what happens when there are cops in the streets, saying they’ll shoot us if we even leave our houses? What happens when there’s no food left? I’m getting out of here before it gets that bad, because I want to be in control of what happens to me. If you wanna come with, great. If not, don’t waste my time.”

And with that, he has disappeared back out the window from which he came. 

Emma tries to catch her breath. She’s not going to cry over him tonight. No. Absolutely not. This is the right thing to do. He’s going to save her. They’re going to save each other. He loves her. He loves her.

*buzz*

Her phone lights up on her desk. The group chat. 

Emma rubs her face and examines her phone. 

OLIVIA: does anyone wanna watch a movie? Netflix does this party mode thing now where you can watch stuff with other people

ZOE: i was just thinking about how i’ve never seen gossip girl. Binge?

MADISON: if we watch something less cringey I’m in. back me up Em?

But Emma can’t respond. And now, is when she begins to cry. 

Because they don’t know so many things. And they wouldn’t forgive her if they did. 

The last time Julian was her boyfriend, he cheated on her with someone Isabel’s age. And when Emma found out (through an unforgettable fight with Isabel), she confronted Julian immediately. Surprisingly, he made himself the victim, claiming that Emma hadn’t been a loving enough girlfriend, and that he was desperate for attention. He made her feel like she wasn’t enough, something she already struggled with, and something that she has carried with ever since. 

So after he started texting her again six months ago, she told the first lie to her friends. A lie of omission, really, as she just didn’t tell them about him at all. And then came the next lie, when Emma opened up her anonymous writing service to her schoolmates. Everyone knew about the sophomore ghostwriter, but no one knew it was Emma Bradford. 

Except Julian. And this knowledge is something that he has over her, but that she is 100% sure he would never use against her. Because he isn’t like that anymore. He wouldn’t hurt her again.

Whether Emma is able to look herself in the mirror and make the judgment or not, she’s smart. Technically, brilliant. It’s always been easy for her to label Zoe as “the smart one,” unable to recognize her own intelligence. But Emma built her own PC when she was 12 years old. She learned Python when she was 13. She wrote her own research program that combs sources for students’ papers, allowing her to have an incredible turnaround rate. While Zoe might be the star of AP Biology, Emma’s intellectual strengths just haven’t been required of her yet. So she can’t see their worth.

Emma sits down at her laptop. 

Universe.

After a quick Google search, she is able to find it rather easily. Although, the game is from 1983? This can’t be right...the graphics she saw over Isabel’s shoulder looked modern. But then again, she didn’t get a good look. 

After Emma is unable to find any other Universe games, she decides to download this one. As she starts the download, she sees that the game takes up an absurd amount of memory--about 20x that of a normal game. Very weird. Luckily, Emma has a spare external hard drive that she can download the game onto. Huh. What the hell can possibly be taking up so much space?

The computer determines that the download will be completed in 24 hours. 

What?! Truly unheard of. Ok then, well, seemingly she pounded all this coffee for nothing. Nothing to do but, wait. 

*ping* 

A new message to her ghostwriter account. Mason. Her heart skips a beat.  

MASON: Don’t worry, the time will go quickly

And now her pulse begins to quicken. So this means that she’s right. The map is leading to Universe. Or rather, the map is Universe. 

EMMA: are you watching me?? seriously wtf

MASON: No matter what I say, you won’t believe me.

EMMA: ok well… i just ingested enough caffeine to give myself a heart attack, and now i’m gonna be up all night. will you at least talk to me?

A long pause. Emma knows this is weirdly forward but hey, it’s been a crazy night. So why not. 

But then, he’s typing?

MASON: what do you want to talk about?

Pause.

Randomly, shockingly, in this moment, Emma decides to be honest. Which is something she hasn’t done in a long time. To this person who can’t possibly judge her. 

EMMA: I have three best friends, and I really miss them. I miss being close to them. Seeing their faces in person, and telling them the truth. 

EMMA: Too much?

MASON: maybe you should tell them how much you miss them

EMMA: I’m scared to. I don’t know what will happen if...well there’s a lot they don’t know. And I’m scared if I tell them, they won’t look at me the same. And nothing will be the same. And then I’ll be gone, and no one will miss me

MASON: It sounds like in some ways you’re already gone, and i bet they miss you too

Emma sharply exhales. She sits back in her chair. She isn’t use to being read like that, especially by someone who’s never met her.

She doesn’t want to be gone.  

She picks up her phone, and opens the group chat. 

As she begins to craft the message that will open the door to an explanation, she stops herself. Deletes what’s been written. 

EMMA: i’m down to watch gossip girl 

ZOE: Yesssss queen 

MADISON: traitor 

She can’t tell them. Not tonight. But it’s possible that somehow she might. And she has one week to figure it out.  

Back when recesses were spent playing tetherball, Madison would challenge, Zoe would defend, Olivia would judge.

And Emma, oddly enough, would watch. She would sit on the sidelines while most of the girls in her grade lined up to face the defending champion and she would admire it was so easy for all of these girls to play together, to be instant friends. She wondered if she would ever have that. 

* * *

In a different room, far away: 

A boy sits at his computer. He thinks that the neurotic compassion one girl has for her friends is shocking and intriguing. 

He stares at the sky, wondering if she might be doing the same.

[rolanslide]

Never wanna lose you

(okay, I don’t write often anymore because I have -100 confidence in my writing skills but I decided to take a crack at writing a thing based off of this post because it physically hurt me. enjoy)

(also, thanks to my sister @vee-tdc​ for beta-ing this for me. Thank you, boo)

(edit: there’s a second part now)

Crowley, for the longest time, was never 100% sure about how he felt towards his angelic counterpart. It was never something really bothered thinking about too hard. Oh, he knew he cared for him deeply, that much he knew very well. Since they first met in Eden, Crowley had been utterly fascinated by the angel* and he knew that he enjoyed the angels presence. But beyond that, he was never quite sure. 

(*It wasn’t every day you met an angel that gave away his God-given sword and lied about it to her face, after all.)

If you were to ask Crowley to describe his overall feelings towards the angel in one word, say, 20 or so years ago, he would probably say fondness. He was fond of the angels kindness towards God's creatures, he was fond of his clothing that always seemed to be a century or two behind in style, he was fond of the angels imperfections*, he was… well he was fond of a lot of things about his friend. The angel drove him up the wall sometimes, but then again, Crowley was no better. It’s simply what happens when you know someone for that long*.

(*Crowley had spent a lot of time around the angels, when he still was one that is, so he knew how terribly self-righteous and ignorant most of them had a tendency to be. Aziraphale wasn’t like that though. He was quirky, somewhat selfish, and flawed, and he knew it and he acknowledged it. Unlike virtually every other angel Crowley had met, Aziraphale was self-aware.)

(*and also when you’re an angel and a demon, hereditary enemies and all.)

But yeah, Crowley never thought too hard about how exactly he saw Aziraphale. He was his friend. As far as Crowley was concerned, that was all he needed to know.

And then the day the world would end rolled around.

~~

Crowley had lost hope of the world being miraculously saved at the last minute. He knew that if the planet didn’t self-implode, taking himself and Aziraphale with it, either Heaven or Hell* would eventually come for their arses for fucking up so royally. Either way, he knew that if him and his angelic friend didn’t figure out something fast, the two needed to get out, and get out quick. 

(*Or both)

Then the angel turned him down.

Of course Crowley was hurt by this. He was just trying to save himself and his friend of 6000 years, and he was turned down and insulted. He knew Aziraphale didn’t mean half of what he said, it had happened time and time again. It happened 11 years ago when he handed over the antichrist, it happened in Saint. James Park in 1862*, and it was happening again now. That didn’t mean the words didn’t still hurt though. It was a natural reaction when your only real friend treated the past several thousand years together as if they were nothing, as if they didn’t mean anything. 

(*This time though, Crowley wouldn’t take a several decade long nap to cope. If he did, by the time he would wake, there would be no more Aziraphale to apologize to, or an earth to thrive on with him. So that was off the table.)

It was then that his fears seemed to come into fruition. Hell had found out about everything, and they were coming after him.

He had to get Aziraphale.

He knew as long as hell was coming after him, Aziraphale may be in danger too. He had to prevent that. So he tried asking again. 

And once again, he was turned down by the angel*.

(*Although he was much kinder about it this time. Perhaps just because he was tired. He looked really tired)

This time though, he didn’t give in so easily, no time for sulking or breaking down. Crowley was a man of action, after all. He knew that the angel wouldn’t want him to use the blessed holy water he had given him to kill a guy, but he was sure Aziraphale would understand*. 

(*If he were to find out, that is.)

The plan to stop Hell’s goonies from coming for the both of them went slightly better than expected. Ligur was a melted pile of rubbish, sure, but the means of trapping of the other half of the deadly pair was temporary at best. He was growing increasingly concerned about his and the angel’s safety; in the back of his mind fearing that hell had decided to send assassins for both him and the angel*. 

(*Hastur calling Aziraphale by name after he had gotten trapped in the answering machine didn’t help calm Crowley’s anxieties to say the least.)

No, Crowley thought, that isn’t an option. Aziraphale was fine. He was clever, he wouldn’t let himself be outsmarted by some pesky, unoriginal demons. There was no way-

The thick clouds of black smoke that filled the sky above him seemed to want to prove him wrong. Police sirens and blaring Fire Truck engines sounded off, far too close for Crowley’s liking. 

“No…”

Crowley was panicking as he sped down the London roads in his vintage car*. He had tried calling Aziraphale. No one picked up. The angel never kept him hanging like that. Ever. His heart rate, that he didn’t even really need, sped up at an inhuman rate as he drew closer to the flaming remnants of his the Angel’s bookshop.  

(*Probably a dangerous situation for any unfortunate pedestrian who just so happened to be nearby, but at this point the demon couldn’t care less about their safety)

Angels and demons alike had a sort of sixth sense- the ability to sense the presence of other supernatural entities from a mile away. The ability to sense their auras, if you will. And when you know someone for 6,000 years, you know exactly what their aura feels like.

Right now, standing in the blazing ruins of Aziraphales home, Crowley couldn’t feel anything.

“AZIRAPHALE!”

He could hardly hear himself over the roaring flames and sirens as he called out for his Angel.

“Aziraphale, where the Heaven are you, you idiot?! I can’t find you!”, Crowley’s voice shrieked as his vision began to blur.

He still searched, trying to find the presence of his the Angel, somewhere, anywhere-

The demon had the air knocked out of him as a particularly strong water hose was sprayed right at his corporeal body, knocking him off his feet.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. The too hot- too familiar fire roared around the demon as he came to a horrific, crushing realization. 

Hellfire. The fire surrounding him was bloody fucking Hellfire. 

 A demon had been sent to Aziraphale and lit his home ablaze, leaving him there to burn. Alone.

“You’ve- you’ve gone…”

It was only then that everything hit him.

For the first time- Crowley had felt what it was like to be truly alone. As a Fallen, he was destined to be alone for the rest of eternity. When he had spoken to the Angel at the Eastern gate of Eden, he had never expected anything more than just a few bouts of banter, and nothing else. 

But that fateful day was one he would never regret for the rest of eternity. Crowley had never realized that, since the beginning, he had never been truly alone. Aziraphale was his light in the dark future he was destined to have. Life with a friend was never in his script for the rest of time, but he had gotten luckier than any other demon in Hell to have Aziraphale. 

“SOMEBODY KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!”

Now, he was alone. For the first time in a millennia. No one could replace Aziraphale, nothing could fill the hole in his heart only his Angel was able to. And it was more painful than anything he had ever felt since he fell. A devastating realization had come to Crowley in his moment of desolation. 

“BASTARDS!”, he hissed out in anger. “ALL OF YOU!”

Crowley had loved him. It was beyond just care, beyond just fondness.

He had loved him.

And now, he was gone.

Forever.

.

.

.

The demon seemed only vaguely aware of his actions. The sirens, that were not quite out of earshot, and the distant smell of smoke and ash engraved themselves into Crowley’s senses as he drove down the road. To where, exactly? He wasn’t sure. Somewhere along the way he had put on another pair of sunglasses- a feeble attempt at masking his pathetic vulnerability he felt he was drowning in.

He found himself stopping in front of a nearby pub. He remembered going to this specific pub before, alongside Azira-

He looked over to the passenger side seat, just hoping that his friend would be there. Complaining about the speed limit and telling him to “be careful” and “slow down”.

The seat remained empty.

Crowley’s train of thought was cut off as he was seemingly subconsciously reminded of his loss, and he doubled over, white-knuckling the steering wheel of his Bentley, as a new wave of grief washed over him, crushing him under its weight.  

It seemed that the feeling of being alone, really, truly alone, was kind of like being hit by a cannonball; sudden, unexpected, and bone-crushingly painful. 

It never really occurred to him how much he had gotten used to the feeling of having someone constantly by his side, someone who would always keep him company. Even when the two were apart physically, in the back of the demons mind Aziraphale’s presence was still there, golden and warm and kindly. Although he couldn’t be sure, he hoped the angel had always felt his presence too. It was… well, it was rather nice, being that close with someone. Rather comforting, really. 

In an instant, that warmth, companionship, and comfort was all just just simply... gone.

A dark pit had made its way into his stomach and ribs, swirling and brewing with an intensity that he had never felt before. Despite this, he knew what it was.

Grief.

He only became aware that he had started crying again when he felt hot tears soak his jacket and drip onto his violently trembling hands. Sobs shook his frame as the soot and ash on his face that he hadn’t bothered to miracle away turned to mud that stained his cheeks. 

“A-aziraph-a-ale…”

Demons weren’t supposed to cry. 

“A-z-ziraphal-e-e…”

With all of the shit Crowley’s seen in his long lifespan he shouldn’t be crying. 

“Please… d-don’t… d-on’t...”

But here he was, in his Bentley, sat in front of a pub, bawling uncontrollably, struggling for air because Aziraphale, his angel who he loved so much, who had been the only one to treat him with kindness, was gone.

 Gone, gone, gone, gone-

He doesn’t think he’s felt this much emotional distress since he fell.

Before, Crowley hadn’t even considered what it would’ve been like to have his constant counterpart suddenly snatched away from him. Aziraphale had been discorperated before- they both had- leaving the other alone for a few years while the paperwork for a new body was filled out and they were allowed to come back down to Earth. But that was different. Back then, there was the promise of return. It might take as long as a decade*, but they would inevitably see each other again. 

(*the amount of time before given a new body depended on the circumstances of death. For example, when Aziraphale was burned at the stake in the middle of the Edinburgh witch trials, it took about 8 years to get him a new body. Partially because of the large amount of souls arriving at heaven's doorstep due to the trials, partially because Gabriel decided the angel needed to learn a lesson about responsibility. Needless to say, Aziraphale came back from that whole debacle with a bad case of pyrophobia and even lower self esteem.)

This time, however, there was no promise of return. All Crowley had was a burning bookshop and a lost friend.

The demon sat up in his Bentley, taking a deep, shaky breath in a feeble attempt to steady himself, not bothering to try and wipe away the streams of tears and soot on his face.

Maybe drinking until he passed out would dull the edges of the sword of grief that cut through his very being. Yeah, yeah, he would do that.

The world wasn’t worth saving at this point if he didn’t have Aziraphale to share it’s wonders with.

~~

Well, as it turns out, Crowley was wrong.

Aziraphale wasn’t dead, gone forever as Crowley had feared. He had simply lost his body in an altercation that ended with a particularly inconvenient candle being knocked over by the force of a slamming door*.

(*and this, as Crowley had told Aziraphale later on, is why you don’t leave lit candles on the floor in a bookshop full of very flammable books)

But just because the angel wasn’t actually gone, that didn’t mean Crowley wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional fallout of thinking that he was for a few hours. Now that they were sure the world wouldn’t spontaneously combust anytime soon and that their superiors would give them some air, they, for the first time in what felt like centuries, had time to relax. Time to think.

And think they did. Or, at least Crowley did.

He thought about every stolen glance, every spoken word, every kind hearted gesture, every accidental hand touch-

Oh. Fuck. He’s fallen hard, hasn’t he?

Turns out the human term ‘you never know how much you love something until you lose it’ has more weight to it then Crowley had previously thought.

After everything, the bookshop being burned down, the A-not-calypse, his and Aziraphales trials*, etc. etc., Crowley spent a lot of time re-evaluating his emotions towards the angel over the past several thousand years he’s known him. It was kind of like sifting through old computer files you haven’t touched or thought about in years.*

(*Well, Crowley's trial and Aziraphale’s failed execution, considering the fact that the angels, Aziraphales family, didn’t even bother to give him a proper trial.)

(*not that either Aziraphale or Crowley would know what that felt like.)

It was surreal, almost, to look at all of those shared moments from a slightly different perspective. They all felt so different, but at the same time, felt the exact same. Loving the angel just felt… natural*. 

(*despite the fact that a demon loving an angel was anything but natural.)

Well, all things considered, Crowley had loved Aziraphale for awhile now. Keeping him from having his head lopped off during the French Revolution, keeping his books from being blown to pieces, trying to convince him to run away with him… they were all acts of love on Crowley's part.

...It just took nearly losing the bastard for him to actually realize this.

Crowley wasn’t quite sure what to do with this information. Should he say something to the angel? Would doing so even change anything? Would it just get them in even deeper trouble with their higher-ups? Was it even possible to get in further trouble?

The whole situation gave Crowley a migraine.

He tried to not think about it too hard, like he used to do.  

Although, when his heart suddenly fluttered and climbed up his throat whenever the angel so much as smiled at him…

It made not thinking about it a lot harder.

[ikonislife]

To Raise A Star 02.

-Junhoe x Female reader

-Parents au, angst + fluff.

-A/n: Sooooo... I’ve never give birth before so please excuse my description of contraction and the entire process. I tried to research and did my best to describe it. I know it’s probably is a shit and inaccurate description and I’m so sorry!!!

-Part 1

“Let’s break up.” Those three words you’ve never imagined yourself saying even in your wildest nightmare, let alone while carrying his child, had just left your lips. It wasn’t an angry word vomit nor was it a beg of desperation. It was just is.

“Are you insane? Do you even hear yourself, Y/l/n Y/n.” Hands thrown in the air, Junhoe just about has it with your insane antics. Having him going out in the middle of the night braving the cold rain to get honey because what sane person could eat French fries without dipping it in some delicious bee’s backwash? That was fine, he totally, 100% would go out in a middle of a hurricane if you had asked because at the very least he feels helpful in this insane journey of you morphing into “a giant baby carrier and delivery system”, your words not his. There are a million and one things he would say to describe you other than “a giant baby carrier and delivery system” but he learned it’s not wise as of late to argue with you, even if he wholeheartedly disagreed because you’ve only gotten more beautiful. But this, breaking up? You might as well had just asked him to jump off a cliff into treacherous sea and jagged shore. “We’ve been through this, you and the little star in your belly are stuck with me for the rest of your life. Stop this insanity. It’s been months since the company announced our pregnancy and our plan to get married.” Exhausted from a long day of practice, Junhoe his weary body crashes atop your shared bed, a hand resting atop his forehead. “You don’t understand, that’s the only way I can protect you from being impale by hate. Why won’t you just let me do this?” Your exasperation is as real as the nonstop trip to the restroom because apparently peeing every 3 seconds is normal when one’s pregnant. “Because you, miss, is completely out of your mind bat shit crazy. I am not leaving my pregnant girlfriend because a few fake fans can’t handle the fact that I am a grown man and we’ve been dating for five years. Why can’t you see that the rest of the fans are happy for us.” Just as he knows all your favorite things, Junhoe is well aware of your biggest vice of all, your borderline unhealthy obsession with him and how the simplest action from him could melt you, leave your breathless even after all this time. Pulling you as far as he could into his chest, his arms woven themselves around your growing body as if this was the last time he’d ever see you. “Please, I just want to be happy. For just one second, can we just be happy about our child without all the bullshit and heartbreak?” A ragged yes was all that choked out from your lips as Junhoe digs his face further into the crook of your neck, soft sniffles betrays his stoic appearance as you gently cards through his soft locks. When adversity dealt its card, one person will always take the heavier hit out of the two… In this case, that person is most definitely not you. He had been so brave, for you, and for the little star. You knew the hates, the spites ate at his heart, even if it’s just a little bit… It still does and that breaks your heart. He never once complains, not a single word and even though you could see the exhaustion so clearly behind the haggard features and tired eyes, Junhoe was still smiling so brightly, just as he had always been. As soft kisses rain down on your tired soul, you lean further into his touches, solace returning to your little growing family.

Safe to say no one had ever gone through life without a few moments when the wings of butterflies so great, vomiting seem to be the only viable option, no one understood this more than Junhoe himself. From the moment he had set out with the dream of becoming a star, it was audition after audition, survival show after survival show, there wasn’t a moment since Junhoe had set off to achieve his dream that anxiety hadn’t been a friend. Time and place might be different but in the end the feeling remains the same, more so now than ever. The thought of you being alone, of the long sleepless nights, and days will be spent away from home had twisted his guts into pieces as if the once docile butterflies’ wings now equipped with blades. A night away feels like a year, and this week-long concert feels much like eternity. All the practice, the sound checks, all the prep, nothing could ease his heart of the anxiety, of being away from you. No matter how many times you had laughed off his worries and the smile seemingly always on your lips, Junhoe see right through your façade but he won’t show.  Because he knows the moment he crumbles, so will you and if the only good thing he could do to ease the mind of his seven months pregnant fiancée is to pretend then by hell he will. The last few nights had been… Restless to say the least and the butterflies had grown into full fledge storms, twisting up inside his chest. The itching so deep within his bones to be by your side, to feel the light kicking of the little star, it ran so deep he suddenly found himself weak, clawing at the nonexistent burn on his skin. Not a second gone by that he didn’t think about the exhaustion so evident in your starlit eyes despite the warm smile, vigor on your lips. It’s funny really, he’s been your partner in crime for five damn years, five good damn years of the greatest hits and worst punches, ‘bout to get the promotion of his life yet you still got it in your head that you could lie to him. Junhoe knows all too well the moment he turns his back, your hand would be at your back, little circles rub in haste to alleviate whatever pain it could before his attention return. If he could have the world his way, you’d be right here with him but that was no longer even an option as your bump grows heavier each day. Even your weekly date night had turned into take-outs and watch movie at home on the couch night. Needless to say, you flying to every single concert to see him, well that was completely out of the question. He was sure by now too, you’ve grown tired of his endless calls and texts even if you had just picked up his call with the loudest, brightest greeting known to mankind. “How are my babies doing tonight?” Nothing, he swears, nothing makes him happier than the sight of you enjoying your food, more so now that that you were eating for two. “So good! Can you tell Yunhyeong the little one loves his soup? And I super appreciate that he took time to cook for me!” You gushed, dribbling a bit of soup down your chin and was rewarded with the best sound in the world – his laughter. Junhoe has the best laugh in the world, anyone who has a problem can come fight you. The night could be weary and day, hell. Just one smile and a bit of laugh, it was like none of the adversity you had faced matter. He lights up your days the way no one else could and you are so incredibly lucky to have him by your side through thicks and thins. “I will let him know. I miss you guys so much.” Laughter gone, leaving a heavy sigh mingling in the silent of the night. “I know, but only one more night!” You cheer, “One more night and you’re home!” Your cheer seems to lift his spirit. Even if it was only a tiny bit, it was enough to tug that handsome smile back onto his lips. It was hard to grumble and mumble when you insist upon showing him endless pictures and videos of your doctor appointment just that morning. Junhoe’s completely moonstruck, gushing and aweing the entire two hours he manages to get in before you scold him to go to sleep. Even then, good nights and love wishes taken nearly another half hour before a grumpy man finally hangs up the call. For the first time in months, Junhoe truly feel prepare, that nothing in this world could get him down as long as you and the little one were there with him. For the first time since he reluctantly packed his bags and left, the sandman finally graces him with a peaceful sleep.

Even as the blaring of his alarm piercing through his ear drums, Junhoe awaken with a smile on his lips. The hours to come fill with endless schedule but his heart knows, once midnight rings through, once more he’ll be on his way back to you. Yet all the happiness bubbling so close to the surface, the excitement, all that was shattered the second he realizes the 15 miss calls from both your parents and his. Fear wrecking through his body, the world that had seemed so bright and happy just a second ago begins to crumble beneath his feet as each dial tone tears away another piece of his heart. Calls after calls went unanswered, contact list runs short as panic engulfs his soul. It couldn’t be, he laughs in complete disbelief, you were still nearly two months away. This body had taken him through the highest and lowest, endured endless hours of practice as trainee with barely enough food, dosing him with the adrenaline of standing on the big stage of their first concert, supported him through the tears shed when iKON had their first win. Yet the moment he needed for it to work, to do its job just as it had for so long, his body left him to dry, frozen in shock. There wasn’t a thing he could do, not even the worst-case scenario creeping up in the back of his mind could get it to move. So, he stands there screaming, letting the tears stream endlessly down his cheeks, praying for someone to come help him… Help you. Yet just when he had thought all hope was lost, his managers along with the rest of the boys barge into his room, a commotion follows. His mind in a blur and the next moment he comes to, Hanbin was shoving his phone against his ears and the sound to spew from the speaker was one that left him in excruciating pain. You’re crying, calling for him. And all he could do was utters over and over again, “I’m coming home.” The taxi barely has time to halt its speed before Junhoe already diving out the door, sprinting toward the white glow of the hospital, never mind that his manager was scrambling to pay the poor driver, shocked from the young man suddenly sprinting off. He didn’t know where, or how he could even reach you but he knows time was of the essence. He runs and runs until the call for his name echoes through the empty hallway filled with the scent of disinfectant and beeping of machines. “Junhoe, hurry.” His father calls for him, not too far behind was yours, wearing the most painful expression on his features. His chest burning and legs failing but not now, he can’t stop now, not when you were so close, not when you were fighting so hard. So he follows the two men he had spent so much time looking up to as they lead him up the stair, no time waiting for the elevator. Almost immediately, his mom pulls him into a hug and your mom too, crying but she did the same. “What happened? Where’s Y/n?” He rushes out, terrifies that he was too late. There had been a time when the fear of failing his members, the fear of not being able to make his parents proud was atop the list of things that would crush his heart and soul. Now, as panic and trepidation slowly wrecking every fiber of his being, your cries and screams echoing through his mind, Junhoe was sure nothing else could rattle distress through his bone as much as this. The thought of losing you, losing the little star… It wasn’t one he could fathom in his heart as his exhausted body collapses to the floor. Yet immediately, he pushes himself up, fighting the many hands doing their best to ease his mind, to help him. “Junhoe, sit down. You’ll do her no good if you black out now.” Your mom protests when he springs to his feet, not knowing where to go or even what to do. At the tugging of the dads, he finally settles onto the cold plastic chair lining by the window to your room, curtain drawn, offering him no solace, no sight of you. Even now, the eerie silent that had replaced your cries for him strikes horror in his heart. “She’s in there, the doctor doesn’t know why she went into labor early but…” “What about the little star?” It was now that the implication of early labor had hit him, Junhoe nearly send the worried parents onto the floor when he suddenly propels upward, anxiety laces with every word, every stare he shares. “Healthy, no worry.” Once more under the guide of his mom, he settles into his seats, stilling himself before lips parting once more. But of course, his mom knows just exactly the question about to fall from his lips. “But Y/n is having a hard time delivering, they’re considering surgery now.” “Can I, can I see her? Please?” He begs as if his parents and yours hold the power, but to his dismay they only shake their head, expressing the doctor’s strict instruction to wait. Unable to keep still, not when you had been so silent, hidden away from his arms, surrounding by complete strangers. He should be in there, be right by your side, holding your hands. He had assured you times and times again that he’d be there no matter what, even if you cuss at him, even if you hit him. He’ll be there despite you insisting he didn’t have to, and that birth was a horrific mess of blood and guts. Junhoe had always just laughed it off, if you could push an entire tiny person out of you, he could handle a bit of blood. So he paces, pressing his ears close to the door hoping for even just a single sound but none came. It must have been half an hour before that door he had been ready to kick down swing open, a nurse slowly emerging before calling for family member. “I’m here, I’m her husband.” Junhoe jumps from his seat, rushing over even before the nurse had time to finish her question, not caring that your plan of getting marry was one for the future. “Good news, her blood pressure had decreased quite a bit, so baby is no longer in any harm. But if we can’t get it to normal level, I’m afraid surgery will be required.” “Please, can I see her. I can calm her down…” Junhoe begs once more, praying silently that he’d be allow to see you, to be there for you. He watches impatiently as the nurse disappears once more behind the door, leaning just to steal a peek but he saw nothing but white curtains. “Doctor approves, but only one person can come in. Please take time to decide-“ “I’ll go in.” The kind nurse once more emerges, but before she could get to finish her sentence, Junhoe had already decided. Any other day and he’d be respectful, giving your parents the choice but not today, and he hopes they’ll forgive him for needing to see his wife and baby. At once, he tails the nurse who then instructs for him to clean up, completing the look with a blue paper gown and hat. Another five minutes of instruction before the white curtain hiding you away finally lift, the sight of you so tired and worn steals a sharp gasp from his lungs. Junhoe sighs, wondering just what hell you had gone through while he was so peacefully asleep in luxury, away in another country. Tears begin pricking at the corners of his eyes but not now, he can’t cry now because you need him to be strong. With one sniffle, he forces them away even if you’ll be able to tell, you can always tell when something was bothering him. “Junhoe…” You sigh, a smile blossoms on your lips the second that sniffle tears through the disgusting silent of the room. There was no word that could express the relief washing over your heart and soul the second he hobbles in, redden eyes and sniffles telling you he had been crying. But that smile, the way he was doing so much just to steady his breathing. You adore him so much for trying his best to stay calm for you even though inside, a raging storm of worries was probably tearing him apart. You can’t even begin to imagine the pain of not knowing, of being so far away from you at the most critical moment… you know he blames himself. He couldn’t utter a single word, not one but a tight embrace wrapped your body in solace and love. “I’m sorry for taking so long…”The sentence choked out from his heart, but you only shake your head with an understanding smile. “I should be the one to say sorry, for worrying you like that. I guess the little one is on a different schedule than us, hmm?” You joked and it lifted his spirit to see you smiling so brightly still despite the messy, sweat dampen locks. Junhoe winces at the endless wires and chords coming from your body, and though he couldn’t lay right beside you and wrap you in his arms, he does his best to lean in close, let you nuzzle under his arm. “So, doctor tells me you’ve been doing great so far.” A soft kiss flutters its wings on your dry, chapped lips. “But we got a little more to go, okay?” He mused so gently, if wasn’t for the way his fingers delicately toying with yours, you wouldn’t even know that his nerve was so close to failing. “Okay…” You sigh, shifting uncomfortably around, feeling another round of contraction reigning upon your body. “Are you hurting a lot?” His arm only constricts tighter around your shoulder the second he saw the discomfort painting so clearly over your features. He got his hand gently rubbing at your back, spreading warmth and comfort into your aching back, though you could no longer feel anything below your waist. “No, just uncomfortable.” You tried to heave laugh to ease his mind but all that comes out were small gasps of discomfort, feeling your entire body constricting. “Uh, baby is definitely coming.” You sigh, contractions no longer ease, not even when you let your body fall into the most comfortable position you could manage. Like waves crashing the shore that was your body, though these waves were nothing to remind you of bright summer days spent frolicking by the beach, your contraction worsen with each tick of the clock. With each wave crashed, its intensity on grow and you could do nothing else but grab onto Junhoe as if he was your last life line in the middle of a stormy ocean. The tears he had hidden come crashing in like a broken dam, rushing down his cheeks as he watches on helplessly. Though you insist times and times again, as with the doctor reassurance every time Junhoe winces aloud that you were not in pain, there was no helping his feeble heart from shedding tears. That fear still of the complication, the reason why you had gone into labor early, they hang over his head like a dark cloud ready to storm any second. His mind blank, for every time your face contorted under a push, a soft kiss pressed upon your sweaty skin. He knows full well that this very moment neither his kisses nor hugs could help, but that was the only thing he could do as the doctor and nurses tend to your need. It had been 8 hours, 8 excruciating hours since he first awaken to your frantic voicemails and endless miss calls. His mind weary but it was nothing compare to the stress your body and soul had been under. As the nurses cheer you on, doctor calling for one last push, this adventure share between you and him flashes before his eyes. From the moment he had laid his eyes on you, just an intern doing the grunt work for a big company that had hosted the launch party iKON attended. You were getting bossed by nearly everyone, yet the smile so bright on your lips mesmerized him in ways no one ever had before. He watched you grew from the shy intern to the confident, independent woman that can hold her own in this world. There will never be enough words to describe just what you mean to him, to be there in his lowest moments, to give him a life that he thought was just a dream being an idol, consumed with work. Till now, giving him a child that although neither of you had planned for, it’s the greatest moment of his life, no contest. As the first cry of the little star echoes through the empty room, tears stream down his cheeks, and the biggest smile blooms on his lips. Junhoe watches as you sigh a breath of relief, falling back into his arms with a smile too that very much mirrors his. For just a second, the entire world, the entire crew of nurses and doctor huddling over your still raw wound melts away. It’s just you and him, exhausted and worn, but ready to take on the world with hearts beating as one. For the first time in nearly 12 hours, you both share a laugh, letting the crisp sound welcomes in your little star. “It’s a little boy.” The kind nurse that had put up with much of Junhoe’s impatient self just earlier coos gently, handing over the little bundle of joy all wrapped up and clean. She smiles, congratulation fills the air as she places your brand-new baby in your arms. “We have a son…” He sighs, a moonstruck smile spreads on his lips, completely in awe at the little star. “Nice to meet you, baby. I’m your dad.” Junhoe experiments, letting the new title falls from his lips with a chuckle, joy surging through his every vein when the little fingers wrap tightly around his own. He’s tiny, far tinier than what had predicted at the many doctor visits but he’s still so perfect. Tousles of soft hair swaying gently as you press a tiny kiss onto the crown of his head, admiring just how much he looks like Junhoe… Though your man insists that the little one very much looks like his mom. “I think it’s time you meet the grandparents, little one.” You coo, gently petting his pudgy cheek. Though you weren’t ready to let go just yet, you know just on the other side of the door, your parents and his anxiously await. So you nudge Junhoe on, a soft smile to let him know it was okay to take the tyke away. Wide eyes, Junhoe stares back as if you had just grown a second head before hopping off the bed. For a second, confusion plague your heart as you watch him twisting and patting himself, reaching out his arms only to retrieve them back at lightning speed. “Honey, what on earth are you doing?” You question, wondering if the doctor had given him drug on accident. “Preparing myself. Don’t wanna drop our baby.” He mutters, this time shedding the bulky jacket from his body, grumbling about not wanting the zipper to hurt the little one. “Definitely, do not drop our baby.” Your little tease clearly did not amuse the new dad as he sighs mournfully, no doubt wondering if he’ll ever be ready to hold his new son. “I’m just joking, Junhoe. Come here.” You call for him, pulling him right beside you before letting a small kiss flutters against his lips. “You’re doing great, stop worrying so much. You’ll be the best dad ever, so stop questioning yourself with everything.” “Can you blame me? He’s so tiny… and I’m just scare. I don’t know what to do… I’ve never been a dad before.” Pressing a delicate kiss upon the tiny hand, Junhoe let himself lost in the small nose and rosy cheeks. “I am too, but we got this. And our parents are here for us, the guys are here for us. We’ll take it one hour at a time, okay? Plus, we haven’t even named the little star yet, so it’s not time to have a meltdown just yet.” You muse gently, placing the tiny baby into his arms before waving him off. As Junhoe takes his first step ever into fatherhood with the little star snoozing so peacefully in his arms, a wave of bliss washes over his soul and suddenly everything was right in the world. Junhoe’s so certain that he was always meant to be here, with you, with the little baby. Even if the road had been a rough one till the very last second, it was one he’d take time and time again if it meant always ending up here. Even now, as he carefully hands over the tiny one to the doting grandparents, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the adorable tiny fingers and toes, still in awe that just days ago he was still in your belly, peacefully resting, awaiting his days in the sun. But now, all the things he wanted to do, to kiss, to love, to take the little star on the best adventures ever, or even just to the grocery store… All that was possible and there was no word to express how thankful Junhoe was to you, and to his parents. There was so much he doesn’t know and future so uncertain. Hell, neither you nor him even have a single clue as to what to name your tiny son. There’ll be hardship, he doesn’t doubt that for one second but hand in hand, this little family of his will be virtually indestructible so long as he has you, and his little star.