#i wish i could read an entire saga about them

[seleneprince]

Snape's gang (following the fem! Severus au)

Sevrina Snape-Prince - Slytherin

-Also known as Ina or Rina by her gang and other close friends, like Lucius and Narcissa. None of them call her Sev or Sevy. They have a silent, unspoken agreement about that.

-A magical prodigy, but doesn't get the recognition she deserves (except for her friends)

-Her skills in Potions are unmatched. Not even Slughorn stands at her level. It's a common saying within her friend group that "Seeing Snape brewing something is more terrifying that seeing her with a wand".

-"Give her a cauldron, ingredients, a quiet space, and she'll conquer the world" - Evan Rosier

-Whenever she hears the teachers claiming that a certain feat is "impossible", she takes it as a challenge (and she mostly succeeds)

-She keeps her hair short for the majority of her time in Hogwarts because it was easier to handle. Also, short hair is harder to grab or pull, a lesson she learnt from the Marauders during her first year.

-Dark humour enthusiast. She crackles at the most fucked up jokes and also shares some of her own. It's also her copying mechanism.

-She has a glow-up in her sixth year, when her friends finally step in and force her to take better care of herself (while also distracting her from her fallout with Lily).

-Until fourth year, she didn't comprehend she also liked boys. The bi awakening hit her hard (you can guess who triggered it)

-She has secretly improved multiple potion recipes for her own benefit and to help her friends, and even invented some of her own. Same goes for spells. She's constantly coming up with new ideas and doesn't stop until they become reality.

-She's the kind of girl that would come up with a cure for Blood Curses when she was in the shower, or create an improved version of the Wolfsbane simply because she was bored.

-She's an overachiever. It started as an effect of the harassment and insecurities she faced, making her eager to prove herself that she was better than everyone else. Now it's more of an extension of her own ambition. She just loves the feeling of achieving something.

-During her first years in Hogwarts, she struggled to afford basic tools, like notebooks and clothes. She relied heavily on Lily and any Slytherin kind enough to lend her anything. This also applies to basic hygiene products, which is why her appareance was so neglected initially.

-The main reason her hair often looks greasy it's because of the amount of time she spends brewing, since the smoke of the cauldrons gets in her hair. She combats it by insistently washing her hair afterwards, but it doesn't always fix the problem.

-She and Aurora are the responsible ones. She voices out her disaproval for the others' antics, but rarely stops them. She can be seen standing close, with faux disinterest and a glint of amusement in her eyes. She only intervenes when they're about to hurt themselves or get caught. If there's a chance of Gryffindors becoming collateral damage, that's when she actively joins the games.

-Snape's angry mom voice is well known by the entirety of House Slytherin and they all know that when she uses it, they must listen and obey. Surprisingly enough, Barty Jr and Regulus Black are often spared from this.

-Addicted to coffee, goes crazy if she's deprived of it for more than a day. Since it's forbidden for students, she acquires it from the muggle world and sets up a secret stash that only the gang knows about. Only shares it with Aurora and Evan, and charges them for it.

-She smokes occasionally, either alone or with Mulciber and Avery.

-A natural Occlumens with a proficiency in Legilimency, courtesy of her Prince heritage.

-Has had multiple jobs in the muggle world to substain herself, including illegal ones. She occasionally sells some of her potions illegally in Knockturn Alley too.

-She never does anything for free. If you want her help, you have to pay up. There's little she's not willing to do for money.

-Eventually settles down for a job in a muggle restaurant during the summer, as a chef. Charity, Aurora and Barty become regulars only to ask for the "chef" to come out everytime to praise her. Snape pretends to be annoyed, but she feels warm at the gesture.

Edmund Avery Jr - Slytherin

-Rarely anyone calls him Edmund. He's known as Avery by everyone, including those who've known him before Hogwarts. The gang calls him Ave, or Ed, but this one is rare.

-He doesn't think highly of his father and it's annoyed that he's named after him, so he prefers to be referred to by his family name.

-He suffers from a Blood Curse, the result of a failed ritual one of his ancestors attempted centuries ago. It appears each generation and it's similar to anhemia. He coughs blood and can't engage in physical activities too much, as it strains his body. That includes flying.

-Childhood best friends with Mulciber. He's the only person Avery trusts before the gang is formed. He rather cut off his hand than admit this, but is very emotionally attached to Mulciber.

-He's a mean bitch 24/7. It doesn't matter if you're pureblood or not, he'll insult you and make fun of you simply because he can. He's known for making people cry with few words.

-Calls Snape and Charity "mudblood" on the daily. They're used to it already, but he can't get enough of the horror and anger in other people's faces when they hear him.

-If anyone else calls them that, he laughs at it, but secretly curses that person later. They might be mudbloods, but they are his mudbloods.

-He believes in blood purity, but in a cynical way. While he thinks that pureblood wizards are naturally superior and deserve to have privileges in the wizarding world, he has nothing against half-bloods and muggleborns. To him, it's just the way things are, and there's no reason to hate on people simply for being inferior.

-Which is way he frowns upon those who go out of their way to harass non-purebloods. To him, it's a stupid reason to go after someone and a waste of time.

-He mocks people and hexes them for his own entertainment or for revenge.

-"I only make decisions out of spite or greed"

-His parents have always referred to non-pureblood wizards as "mudbloods", so he's grown to normalize that word. He doesn't see it as a slur, just a regular term for those with muggle blood, and doesn't understand the heavy meaning it carries for those who fall into that category.

-He and Charity have a complex relationship. You can't tell if they really hate each other or if all those insults and death threats are just their love language. If they're not being snarky with each other, they're either talking shit about others together or enjoying Charity's secret stash of weed.

-Smoke buddies with Mulciber and Snape. It only makes his breathing problems worse, but does he care? Absolutely not. And it's not like he would admit his weakness anyway.

-Deeply resentful of his condition and hates being deprived of so many things, so he takes it out on the world and everyone around him. That's the main reason of his assholery.

-Aside from his sickness, his magic presented later than normal, so his parents began to assume he was a squib. They grew cold with him and conceived another son to replace him, a healthy and strong boy whose magic manifested soon enough. They doted on him while Avery watched from the sidelines, slowly being removed from the family's picture.

-All changed when his little brother fell from his broom one day and entered a coma. Their parents tried everything to save him and, in the meantime, Avery's magic awakened and his health improved a little. His brother ended up dying anyway and his parents began to pay more attention to Avery, but he ignored them or brushed off their words.

-It's rumoured that he caused his brother's death to absorb his magic and ensure he was the only heir to the Avery fortune. He has never acknowledged this rumour.

-Hates bright colours, which is another reason he clashes with Charity.

-Dark humour enthusiast #2. He's usually the one telling the jokes while Snape laughs at them.

-Secretly craves the same level of comfortability with skinship and affection as some of his friends, but can't bring himself to join them. Doesn't know how to, so he convinces himself he's above that.

-Raging homosexual. He struggled to accept it at first, not because homophobia, but because he couldn't stand being attracted to anybody.

-Needs a can to walk most of the time. However, he's ready to withstand the pain to run away from consequences or to spite people.

-He and Wilkers are more than friends. They haven't labelled it yet but their friends know and are waiting for the shoe to drop.

Bruce Mulciber - Slytherin

-Also known as Mulci by his friends. Pretty much like Avery, very few people call him by his first name.

-He was named after his uncle, one of Voldemort's first followers, who ended up in Azkaban for his crimes in the First War and lost his sanity. He grew up hearing stories about him, about his "bravery" in fighting for the Dark Lord and the "cleansing" of the wizarding society. As he becomes older, he becomes terrified of ending up like his uncle.

-He feels that naming kids after dead relatives is like placing a curse upon them, as well as an unnecessary heavy weight on their backs

-He and Aurora are distant relatives, both of them being related to the Zabini family. They've known each other before Hogwarts.

-He and Avery have known each other since they were on diapers and they've been glued to the hip since then. He's the one who "translates" Avery when he's being a rude bitch, by just repeating what he said with easier words.

-Group clown #1 and a prankster. When he's not giving the marauders a run of their money with Avery, he's joking around with his friends. Rarely takes anything seriously.

-The tallest of the group, a trait that he makes use of a lot. He also looks older than he really is.

-He has an older sister, who's openly favoured by their parents despite not being the designated heir. She and Mulciber have a cold relationship.

-He uses humour to deflect personal questions and hide how he really feels.

-"If I can laugh about it, then it doesn't hurt"

-Has a dark sense of humour, but it's not really sadistic. He doesn't see the point of inflicting serious pain without a reason.

-He doesn't trust muggleborns, simply because they haven't been raised with the same culture and so he believes they would disrupt the magical society. However, he thinks, if they assimilated the wizarding traditions and left behind the muggle world, he could accept them.

-He feels contempt towards muggles and refuses to interact with them personally. His family has had bad experiences with them in the past and he sees them as destructing creatures that ruin things because of their greed.

-Like Avery, he won't go out of his way to hurt non-purebloods without provocation. He doesn't see the appeal.

-Sees Dorcas more as a sister than his biological one.

-Plays on the Quidditch team as a Beater. He doesn't have the best aim, but makes up for it with his strenght and fluid movements.

-He tends to forget Snape is actually a girl, so he treats her the same as any other dude he's close to and sees nothing wrong in her hanging out with them in "boys activities".

-His friends tend to steal his clothes for themselves because they're so big and warm. He doesn't bat an eye anymore.

-He's a subpar student and struggles a lot, so he gets Snape and Aurora to tutor him.

-It's really attached to Avery and can't imagine a life without him. He doesn't say it, but he's perpetually worried that the blood curse might take him away one day.

-Due to spending a lifetime together, he can sense when Avery is about to have a seizure and knows all the procedures to assist him when this happens.

-Has been weirdly fixated on Mary McDonald since fourth year, much to his embarrasment and his friends' amusement. Because of her muggleborn status, he doesn't dare to approach her but he can't ignore her either.

-In the privacy of the dorms, he's a bit more calm and serious than people think.

Dorcas Meadowes - Slytherin

-Dorky or Dork for her friends. Anyone else that calls her those will get hexed until they cry.

-Plays as a Beater along with Mulciber. Her bludgers always leave marks and she makes it so the pain lasts for a couple of days.

-A mean lesbian

-The only living heir to the Meadowes family, so whoever marries her would have to acquire her surname instead

-She and Marlene McKinnon have a complicated past, and it has led to a tense relationship in the present that not even they can grasp. Both groups of friends try to avoid these encounters.

-Childhood friends with Mulciber and Avery, which means she has also witnessed Avery's seizures as they grew and knows how to handle them.

-Her friendship with Mulciber and Avery is no longer what it used to be, but they still care deeply about each other.

-She doesn't agree with the blood supremacism and bigotry. One of the reasons she distanced herself a bit from her childhood friends.

-Has a lot of friends from other Houses, specially in Hufflepuff.

-She was bethrothed in her second year with a fellow Slytherin classmate. They get along fine but they're not friends. Acknowledging his existence can be uncomfortable for her at times.

-She and Snape hooked up at some on their fifth year, after Slytherin won a match against Gryffindor. Prior that, there had been some intense sexual tension between them for weeks.

-Only the gang knows about this, thought. One of their many little secrets.

-She can be impulsive and reckless, getting into fights for what she believes or simply to defend her pride. There's no between.

-If she thinks she's right, she'll make sure her point gets across and the other person feels stupid for talking back.

-She gets off men's tears

-Fascinated with muggle inventions and eager to know more. She bombards Snape and Burbage with questions at any chance.

-Mostly an average student, but shines in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She's terrible at Transfiguration, though.

-You wouldn't guess she's from a noble upbringing. She's a troublemaker, with a rash attitude, wearing her uniform in a messy manner and curses like a sailor.

-But if the situation calls for it, she knows how to pull off the etiquette and act like a perfect aristocrat lady

-"My mother didn't raise a fool. A psychopath, maybe, but not a fool"

-She's overprotective of her friends and more than willing to beat someone into a pulp for them.

-She's a bit of a tsundere. She bullies her gang constantly and acts like she doesn't care, but the minute they're in minimum danger she's freaking out and ready for war.

-She's open about her sexuality and has never felt asshamed because of it. She only feels frustrated because she knows she wouldn't be able to follow her heart after she graduates.

-She almost ended in Gryffindor, but the hat ultimately decided she was too ambitious and cunning for it.

-Hates Voldemort and the Death Eaters, seeing it as most of her family and friends are being sucked into that cult, while she can only watch. She leaves when someone in the common room brings up the topic, or else big ass fights ensues.

-She's only few inches shorter than Mulciber. She loves the feeling of towering above people and make them nervous.

Evan Rosier - Slytherin

-Only the gang calls him Evan. Snape calls him Eve sometimes.

-Plays as a Chaser in the Quidditch team and it's also the vice-captain. He's considered the best Slytherin has had in years and has beaten records in his broom.

-He's grown up in the centre of a tough succession crisis, where he suffered multiple attempts on his life from his own relatives, and so it forced him into a permanent state of paranoia because he couldn't trust anyone or anything in his family.

-His cousin Pandora was the exception, since they were engaged at that time and so she couldn't benefit from his death, but they didn't talk much until Hogwarts.

-The engagement was called off by their own accord, since they grew to love each other as siblings, which made the idea of marriage disgusting to them. Althought, it's rumoured they had other reasons to do it. More personal reasons.

-When he arrived at Hogwarts, he was a fucked up kid in expensive robes and became known for lashing out at the slighest provocation.

-He was unpredictable and dangerous, like a tickling bomb, and so people stayed away from him, even his fellow Slytherin.

-He met Snape on first year when she sat next to him during some class. He was used to people being too afraid of him to aproach, so he was shocked that someone finally got the never. And a half-blood, no less.

-"I've been treated like a monster for so long that I forgot what it feels like to be looked at as a person"

-He and Snape clicked right away, and he was the first to accept her as a fellow Slytherin despite her blood status.

-He shares the room with Mulciber, Avery and Wilkes. It was a hellish experience at first, due to Evan's paranoia, until they were finally friends.

-He has improved a lot on his trauma, but there are still situations that trigger his extreme survival instincts, like someone touching him from behind.

-For obvious reasons, he's a light sleeper, and keeps his wand under his pillow.

-He also checks everything before eating it, changes the bedsheets himself and basically refuses to let anyone do stuff for him, in case it's manipulated.

-Because of this, he's an hyper-independent person and knows a lot of skills most rich pureblood kids don't, like cooking and cleaning.

-If he even eats or drinks something you made, it means he'll trust you with his life.

-Very protective of Pandora and sensitive to any comments that sound remotely offending towards her. He has sent people to the infirmary in her defense.

-Asking for help it's like saying "i love you" for him. He's admitting vulnerability to someone.

-He's incredibly good in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Again, for obvious reasons.

-His favourite subject is Potions, mostly because he loves watching Snape shine in the class.

-Has been invited to the Slughorn Club, but refuses to accept unless Snape goes too.

-Doesn't really buy into the blood supremacy rethoric, but believes the muggle and wizard world should remain separated and never interact with one another.

-His family trauma has left a permanent mark on him, in the form of sadistic tendencies, insomnia, and a very high pain tolerance.

-Beneath his calm and smooth demeanor, he's still that feral child willing to torn anyone into pieces if he deems it necessary and fantasizes about bathing in his enemies' blood.

-Another dark humour lover, but like, very fucked up. There are times only Avery laughs while the others look at them concerned.

-He's cousins with Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa through his father's side, so he's grown close to House Black.

-Snape and Pandora are the only people who can calm him down when he's mad. He'll only listen to them.

Wilhelm Wilkes - Slytherin

-He prefers to be called just "Will" by his friends. Wilkes is for everyone else.

-They also call him WilWil to mess with him. He shakes his head when they do, but he's instantly smiling.

-Formerly a Durmstang student, until he transferred to Hogwarts in third year, for unknown reasons.

-German father and British mother, so he's fluent in both languages.

-The hat considered putting him in Hufflepuff, but it eventually decided he was better off in Slytherin.

-A cinnamon roll that could and would kill you

-People have a hard time linking him to Slytherin because he's so sweet and kind with everyone all the time. He stays out of trouble and the teachers like him. Younger students look up to him.

-Classy gay that gets along better with girls than with boys, and cares a lot about his appareance.

-Big and bulky, gives the best hugs and makes you feel protected.

-Quidditch team captain and Keeper.

-He and Pandora were bethrothed in third year to unite both families. He wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he prefers Pandora over some stranger. They also have some secret agreement regarding the union.

-He has psychopathic tendencies, but hides them well.

-Sunshine boy. Even Gryffindors are somewhat friendly with him.

-He trips a lot and clashes with things.

-The clumsiness dissapears when he's duelling, though.

-Always in a good mood, greeting everybody when he arrives to class with a huge smile. It's rare to see him serious or angry.

-"Don't mistake my kindness with naïvety. My reluctance to violence doesn't mean I'm uncapable of it"

-The only person that enters History of Magic with a smile and actually asks questions to the teacher. His housemates see this as another proof of his madness.

-He's not as innocent as he looks. He's a Slytherin for a reason.

-The only time his clumsiness dissapears is when he's duelling.

-Secretly, his favourite subject is Herbology. It gives him joy to care for plants and helps him relax.

-Naturally good with children and animals, so the younger slytherins often go to him for help or comfort.

-He and Avery are golden retriever/black cat coded.

-Excuses Avery to people when he offends them and drags him out of the conflicts.

-He often agrees with the boy's mean comments and chuckles with him, but doesn't let it show because of his good boy reputation.

-He sneaks into the girls' dorms a lot to spend time with them and even sleeps there sometimes.

-Due to his good grades and reliable nature, he was chosen to be Prefect.

-Extensive knowledge in Dark Arts, courtesy of Durmstang.

-He rarely gets angry, but when he does, it's absolutely terrifying.

-People have a hard time denying him anything because of his face. His puppy eyes are deadly effective.

-He and Pandora get along great despite their arrangement. He's very fond of her and viceversa, and they both agreed to try make the best out of the situation when it comes to it.

-He's very physically affectionate. Cheek kisses, forehead kisses, hugs, cuddles, cute nicknames. Everything. It's hard to discern when it's platonic or romantic.

-He has a lot of admirers.

-Actually indifferent to violence, unless the victims of it are people he cares about. If he saw a random corpse, he would simply shrug it off and go call someone to check it, or examine it himself out of curiosity.

-He and Avery have an on-and-off relationship, but they always remain fiercely loyal to each other. It's an emotional mess no one else is allowed to meddle with. Unless they want to suffer.

Pandora Rosier - Slytherin

-Mostly known as Dora by her loved ones. She's not as attached to the Rosier name as Evan is.

-She was raised separatedly from the crisis succession mess, in a different house from his relatives. She only saw them all in family dinners, where fights were strictly forbidden.

-The reason for this was that she was born with a rare gift, an extension of Legilimency that allows her to see people's emotions and their thoughts without even trying. This made her very valuable for her family, as they all coveted such gift.

-Which is why she was engaged to Evan. They wanted to ensure the gift remained in the family, away from others.

-Until she learnt how to shut it out, she was constantly hearing everyone's minds at once in her own head and sensing their emotions as if they were her own, overwhelming her to the point of anxiety and several bursts of accidental magic.

-She can also project her own thoughts unto others and show them what she's thinking.

-She knows everything before anyone else does. She's always one step ahead in most situations. Like nothing ever surprises her. She keeps what she knows mostly to herself.

-There are rumours she might be a Seer too, but only a fool would believe that, right?

-She's very introverted and wary of people. Her overprotective upbringing thwarted her social skills, along with her gift.

-Most people who have approached her hadn't done it with genuine intentions, so it fed her general distrust towards others.

-She and Evan didn't have a close relationship until Hogwarts, despite being engaged. They broke off the contract on their first year, despite their family's protests.

-Snape is the first person she hasn't been able to read instantly, which sparkled her curiosity and fascination towards the girl.

-When she found out Snape was a natural Occlumens with a spark of Legilimency, she was delighted at finally meeting someone similar to her in that way.

-But mostly, she was happy to meet someone she could actually get to know like a normal person instead of already seeing everything about them from the first moment.

-This new found obstacle in her gift frustrated her, because she relied on it heavily to navigate the world around her, and also thrilled her, because it was something new for once. A change.

-As they grew closer and began to trust each other, Pandora was able to see more and more of Snape, but only as far as the girl allowed.

-She and Snape talk to each other a lot through their Legilimency. It's common to see one of them chuckling or frowning out of nowhere and throw a knowing look at the other, with no words exchanged.

-Due to her struggles with verbal communication and getting people to understand her, she usually shows her thoughts to Snape or Evan first and then they help her put them into words.

-(She has Helaena Targaryen vibes. If you know her, that's pretty much Pandora's character)

-She's very eccentricy and chaotic, which only fuels people's waryness of her. The only reason she's not downright bullied is because of her family (and Evan).

-Careful, though, she's far from naïve. She's every inch of cunning as any other Slytherin and doesn't forget a slight against her or her loved ones.

-"The thing about always seeing people for what they are it's the never ending amazement of how utterly fake people can be"

-After breaking off the engagement with Evan, her parents hurriedly tried to set her up with another pureblood, pressuring her to accept a good match soon. Out of all the candidates, Wilkes was the only one she remotely liked.

-Her favourite subjects are Astronomy and Divination.

Charity Burbage - Hufflepuff

-Also known as Cherry. Don't you dare call her that if you're not her friend. She'll take it as an insult.

-She comes from a traditional British rich family. Very strict but loving.

-Muggleborn. Doesn't give a shit about being called "mudblood" and would answer to it with a smile just to be petty.

-She's the third of four sisters.

-Her father runs a line of restaurants, one of which is the where Snape works in the summers. After finding out the odd jobs her friend was taking to survive, Charity inmediately got her the job.

-The fact that it gives them the perfect excuse to meet more often during holidays and Charity can boss her around is pure coincidence.

-Looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you #2

-The type to insult someone to their face with such grace that they don't process they're getting insulted until a while passes.

-Gossip queen. She knows everything about everyone, and it has nothing to do with a mysterious gift. She's just nosy and sneaky like that.

-A typical spoiled rich girl with a rebellious vein. A mean girl with an angel-like facade. She's a demon dressed in pastel colours.

-When she's really pissed at someone, all etiquette and grace goes out of the window and unleashes a torrent of curses that shocks even Snape, who's by far the most foul mouthed out of the group.

-"I'm an awful person. But I'm also rich and pretty, so it doesn't really matter"

-Fighting to get Hogwarts their own cheerleader team for the Quidditch matches because c'mon, can't they see how perfect it'll be?

-Also, she would have an excuse to design the uniforms and be the captain, because of course she would be.

-Bisexual. She's dated a lot of people before falling in love with Aurora.

-Charity had no chill and made her interest in Aurora publicidly known when asking her out. But she didn't harass her like J*mes Potter with Lily, until Aurora finally paid attention to her. Instead, she waited patiently as she wooed her and knew when to stop.

-She has a passion for gardening. Her room is fully decorated with different plants and flowers she religiously cares for. Because of this, she possesses an uncanny talent for Herbology, rivalling Professor Sprout herself.

-She's specially proud of the stack of weed she's been cultivating for years behind the teachers' back and that she only takes out for inter-house parties.

-She takes advantage that her common room is right next to the kitchen to sneak in for snacks whenever she wants to or to meet up with Snape when the girl is having insomnia again.

-Because of this, she has befriended some of the elves and knows their names.

-Cares a lot about her appareance and always makes sure to look her best in any situation, including emergencies. The type to take her time to escape during a fire because she doesn't want to be seen on her pyjamas.

-She's the one that gets Snape out of her shell. Convinces her to go out to Hogsmeade with Aurora and herself, drags her out of the library to take breaks, helps her with her social skills and overall just reassures Snape that she also deserves some happiness.

-Very clingy. Skinship comes of as necessary for her as breathing, so she's seen wrapped around people like a koala and cuddling with her friends. It makes her feel loved and safe.

-Knows more about people than she lets on. She has enough shit to blackmail them and even ruin someone's life.

-When she gets really angry, she becomes considerably quiet and uses few words. That's a sign she's plotting your ultimate demise.

-She and Avery have a confusing dynamic. They hate each other most of the time, either arguing or throwing insults whenever they're in close proximity, but they are times where they're civil towards each other in an almost friendly manner. They've been caught getting high together with no one else around, and judging people together as they sit side by side, all like it's an everyday activity for them.

-She enjoys when her friends rant to her about their passions, even if she doesn't always understand theml. She just loves seeing them so open and expressive with her, and she encourages those feelings.

-She aspires to become prefect only to share her duties with Aurora and spend more time with her, but her grades aren't high enough yet. She's constantly bitching about the female prefect because of this.

-She's very, very petty. Doesn't ever forget a slight and goes great lenghts to return the favour.

-Loves pastel colours and country music. You know she's been in the Slytherin common room recently by the colorful pamphlets and flowers she leaves behind to "light up the place" (although she does it mostly to piss off Avery).

-She does ballet since she was little. She practices whenever she has free time and performs in muggle shows. Gets the best seats for the gang, and not even Avery dares to miss a show.

-Because of this, she's very flexible, and combined with her short height, she can fit basically everywhere.

-She convinces the gang to go through a complete self-care routine with her. Face masks, snacks and everything. No one can ever say no.

Aurora Sinistra - Ravenclaw

-Also called Rory by her friends. Charity lovingly calls her Roro sometimes.

-The voice of reason, constantly reminding them what the rules are and warning them when a certain idea is definitely going to get them in trouble. She never tries to stop them tho.

-She's usually the responsible one, but enjoys breaking the rules from time to time too. She blames her friends for being such a bad influence.

-One of the best students at Hogwarts. Straight A and a perfectly clean record. Gets along with the teachers. No one would ever suspect she's done anything wrong in her life.

-She does. Quite often in fact. She's just really good at hiding it.

-The Sorting hat considered putting her in Slytherin, but her thirst for knowledge eventually placed her in Ravenclaw.

-She excells at Astronomy and Ancient Runes, two of the hardest subjects in school. Hence why she's considered a brilliant student.

-Her long-term dream is to become a teacher at Hogwarts, specifically the Astronomy teacher. The short-term dream is to win Ravenclaw the House cup.

-She was selected as a prefect by both the teachers and her classmates.

-Lesbian. She kept a low profile about it until she fell in love with Charity.

-They met in a study group, on their third year. They clicked instantly, despite their differences, and became close friends quickly. They found every chance to meet up and spend time together.

-When she realized she had a crush on Charity, she panicked for a moment because she was afraid of ruining their friendship, and she wasn't ready to come face to face with her sexuality yet.

-Until Charity confessed her own feelings too and decided to make her courting with Aurora as publicidly as she could.

-Seeing Charity being so open about her love and her own identity gave her the confidence to embrace herself too, and so that's how they began.

-Her mother was born in the Zabini family, just like Mulciber's mother. She's particularly close to Belladonna Zabini (Blaise Zabini's mother), who sees herself as a mentor figure for Aurora while they're at Hogwarts and a big sister for Mulciber.

-It was Belladonna who introduced her to the intricate art of poisons and ancient runes. Aurora goes to her whenever she needs a certain substance for her own plans.

-Comes from a very rich, privileged background, but she was still taught the importance of hard-work and sacrifices. She knows that, in order to achieve her goals, she needs to earn them first.

-Charity introduced her to muggle shows and now she's obsessed with them. She's working a way to bring electronic devises to Hogwarts purely to have a TV where she can watch them.

-She befriended Snape when Charity brought her to one of their study group sessions. Instead of being put off by the girl's snarky nature, she found her entertaining and a worthy intellectual rival.

"Attempted murder. Can you imagine how would that look in my reference letter? Everyone would know that I failed at the task"

-She already met Snape in their second year, when they were paired together for a Potions project. Aurora has always known of Snape's intelligence and respected her for it. The only reason she didn't reach out earlier was the girl's obvious retinance to anyone that wasn't Lily Evans or a fellow Slytherin.

-She never starts a fight, but she knows damn well how to finish one.

-When she wants to get back at someone, she doesn't do it right away. She waits it out, letting the person think it has been forgotten, and when they moved on, she surprises them with a carefully planned out revenge that they wouldn't recover from in a while.

-She and Snape sneak into the Restricted section of the library together whenever they can. They haven't been caught yet.

-She also loves research and developing new runes or spells. As long as she's gaining knowledge, she doesn't care if it's morally correct.

-If you want to do something forbidden or morally wrong, she's the person to go. She won't stain her hands for you, but she'll tell you step by step how to do it.

-She and Mulciber met through Belladona, but became closer when they both joined the gang.

Bartemius "Barty" Crouch Jr - Slytherin

-Or if Daddy Issues was a person.

-His father has always been an absent but extremely demanding figure in his life and his mother tries her best to make up for it. It's not enough.

-He's completely, one hundred-percent devoted to be the best at everything so he can impress his father and win his approval. It's the thing he craves the most.

-He met Regulus on the train and talked his ears off the whole ride. They've been inseparable since then.

-He arrived at Hogwarts touch-starved and insecure, so when second year Snape showed him some kindness without second intentions, he glued himself to her and the gang like a lost puppy.

-If he decides to befriend you, he's going to do so. You cannot escape. He got all his friendships by annoying the shit out of them until they relented.

-"Bad attention is better than no attention at all"

-As a result of his lonely upbringing, he's actually very socially awkward and doesn't understand most social cues. He genuinely thinks that friendships are made when someone picks a person and "brands them" as their friend.

-ADHD. Since these disorders aren't widely known in the magical world, everyone just assumed that Barty was lazy sometimes and purposely loud. His parents considered him another case of a difficult child and tried to suppress that kind of behaviour by strict means.

-Despite this, he's managed to be a brilliant student and never get anything beneath an Outstanding in all subjects.

-He has hexed himself a few times to force his brain to concentrate at the task, but he only hurts himself and worsens everything.

-His friends helped him come up with methods that allowed him to concentrate in a way his brain could handle. He feels less stressed and anxious thanks to it, but he still puts a lot of pressure over himself.

-He and Snape bonded over their terrible fathers. Barty tries to defend his, while Snape straight out calls both men out on their shit.

-Has hyperfixations and struggles to keep his mind on just one thing at a time. Physically uncapable of staying put in one place for long. He needs to be moving and doing things.

-It's a vital rule in the gang to never let him taste coffee.

-He knows a lot of silly facts about all kind of topics he gets fixated on and he'll rant about them for hours to whoever is willing to listen. Usually Regulus.

-He was expected to end up in Ravenclaw, just like his parents and most members of his family. Him getting sorted in Slytherin was received with dissapointment in his house, particularly his father.

-He's been physically punished when he displeases his father or his performance isn't good enough to his standards.

-Loves quidditch and really wants to join the Slytherin team, but his father doesn't approve because "i'll distract him from his duties", so he simply goes to every match he can to watch.

-(He's canonically the only character to have taken 12 OWLs. Not to mention he managed to fool Dumbledore himself when he was posing as Alastor Moody and also manipulated the entire Triwizard Tournament so Harry could win, and no one suspected a thing. Boy is a fucking genius)

-Speaking of which, he and Snape are friendly academic rivals, like Aurora. They're constantly trying to outdo the other in class and get the most points.

-He and Regulus look up to Snape a lot and see her as an older sibling figure. In Barty's case, almost a maternal figure.

-The one thing he wants most in the world is validation. He spends every breathing moment in his life seeking it and drinking the smallest drops he gets of it. Seriously, anyone that shows him some sort of approval, will instantly win him over.

-His aspires to follow his father's footsteps and become a Minister, most likely to take his place after he retires.

-Takes his studies very seriously and gets mad when people distract him from his homework or studying sessions.

-Gay. Homosexual. Gay.

-His worst fear is dissapointing people.

-Panic attacks are to be expected during exams week and when doing homework. Or when his father mails him after the seeing the results. Or right before he returns to his house.

-He's been conditioned to turn away from any source of entertainment or superficial interests because "he can't afford getting distracted". Now he'll gladly join his friends in any fun activity they propose and plan them (as long as his father doesn't hear about it)

-Indifferent to the pureblood supremacy rethoric, although a bit prejudiced due to his father's teachings. He doesn't care if someone is a muggleborn or half-blood, but can be condescending towards them without realizing.

-A lot of repressed anger that's bound to explode.

Regulus Arcturus Black -Slytherin

-Reg or Reggie for his loved ones. No one outside them is allowed to call him that. Unless they don't mind getting hexed.

-Was kind of a little shit when he arrived to Hogwarts. Snobby, arrogant, and prejudiced, pretty much like Draco. He slowly improves with the gang's influence, but not too much.

-The Seeker in the Quidditch team. He's good at it, but not exceptional.

-Contrary to popular belief, the Blacks aren't really royalty among purebloods, but they consider themselves as such. Regulus is no different.

-He's grown up spoiled and without ever having to lift a finger for anything. The type of rich guy that thinks dirtying his hands for something is below him, so convinces other people to do it for him.

-He used to be close with Sirius growing up, since they spent all their time together and they were still too innocent about the world they lived in. The relationship grew strained when Regulus started to envy Sirius' position and the latter began to reject the family's beliefs.

-By the time Regulus arrived to Hogwarts, they were more like acquaintances than anything. Sirius had his friends already, all of them so utterly different from the people Regulus was supposed to mingle with, and that was it.

-Deep down, he feels sad for having lost the contact with his brother, but comforts himself that "Sirius made his choice".

-One of the reasons he stood up with his parents against Sirius during the disagreements, besides the fact he genuinely agreed with them on their beliefs, was because he didn't want them to get mad at him too. He never understood why Sirius just couldn't play along and make thing easier for everybody.

-His relationship with his mother is loving but complicated. He cares deeply for her and values her opinion a lot, but he feels her love for him is transactional. It'll exist for as long as he remains a good son in her eyes, and if he dissapoints her, she'll turn her back on him.

-Because the concept of hard work hasn't been drilled into him and he's used to get what he wants easily, he's not really a great student. He manages well enough so his parents don't get mad at him.

-He looked down on Snape at first, since she's a half-blood and so he believed her sole presence tainted Slytherin's prestige. Seeing how talented she was, surpassing him and many other purebloods, made him dislike her even more, because she defied everything he was raised to believe and defend ("purebloods are naturally superior and blah blah")

-He began to look at her differently when he saw Narcissa took the girl under her wing and openly doted on her. If his cousin deemed the half-blood worth of her attention, he trusted her judgement.

-Slowly, he grew to begrudgingly respect Snape and trust her. He still has prejudices and struggles to see her as an equal, but they're getting there.

-Deep down, he cares a lot about Snape and thinks of her as family. Although he much rather face a Crucio than admit this.

-While his views regarding half-bloods and muggleborns aren't quite the same as they were in his first year, he still believes firmly in pureblood supremacy and sees the non-pureblood wixen as second class citizens.

-Thinks that there should be separated schools for pureblood and those who aren't. This way, it'll all follow the "natural order".

-He avoids talking to Sirius, but when they cross paths, they usually throw snarky comments to the other.

-He plays a big role in helping Barty out of his shell and pushes him to have fun. In return, Barty motivates him to work harder.

-He and Barty are glued to the hip. You'll rarely see one without the other.

-Physically, he takes a lot after his mother.

-Always dressed in the finest clothes and using the most expensive tools. Appareances are a must for him.

-He and Wilkes are the only ones that genuinely enjoy doing Charity's self-care routines. Might be the only muggle thing he doesn't disapprove of.

-Doesn't know how to swim, but can keep himself afloat. He refuses to learn because "a man of his status doesn't need to learn such skills".

-Quite an egocentric, due to his upbringing.

-Secretly, he likes being coddled, but it's too embarrassed and proud to let it happen.

-He claims to find pranks childish and unbecoming of a pureblood heir, but he actually loves them. He'll cough and turn his head away to hide his reactions.

-Very close to the Black sisters, specially Narcissa. Refuses to admit it, but felt heartbroken when Andromeda left.

-He likes the Rosier cousins too, with Pandora being one of his best friends.

-He used to dream about becoming heir and prove he was better than Sirius, but when it finally happened, he realized such title came with new responsabilities and expectations he never had to face before, and he's not sure he can keep up with it.

-He can be very possessive with people and has a hard time "sharing" them.

[velvetjune]

All my thoughts on Alan Wake 2: The Final Draft below! Major Spoilers for the game (and Control 2019). This is a very long post, but this game has taken over my mind.

The Final Draft was good! I’ve never played NewGame+ versions of games before, so I don’t know if this is usually how it goes. The additional material and introduction/ending makes it all worth it, although I wish there was a way to speed up the case board process, since I completed almost all of it my first go.

My immediate concern is. What is ‘a master of many worlds’? What does that MEAN?? Surface level, he can already exert power over his world and the dark place, so that was the two he was initially referring to. Since Door said the Dark Place was a mirror that reflected other realities, is that why Alan now holds power of them? No matter what, he is Way too confident for someone who’s been an absolute mess. The power of being loved and reaching out to others is just that good.

I’ve vaguely known about this draft’s ending and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Actually playing through again helped me lose that negativity, although I still prefer the first ending! Hearing Saga’s relief at Logan being alive and Alan rising from the dead was one amazing sequence. Visually beautiful and acted out.

The EXPRESSION you can see on Saga the second Logan picks up. I was so happy for her. Having Logan and Casey by her side. No matter what comes next, they succeeded in saving both of them. Now—are Saga, Casey, and Alan all in the dark place? In an overlap? Or Bright Falls?

The “love is strange” quote was a personal favorite. Sometimes you love someone so much, both of you ascend past your humanly self and become so intertwined in thought and memory that you’re always with each other. Love is strange.

Is anyone else ridiculously nervous about what’ll happen with Alan and Alice?? They both seem to be in states that are tied to each other and the dark place. I don’t know if they can technically leave. Read some theories on Alice being the bullet of light, but I took it as a sort of symbolic gesture, with her still being an agent moving in the dark place. Similar to Zane or Darling. Idk.

The ‘Spiral’ writer’s room video got to me even more than the ending! Bringing up how time is overlapping, which means Alan IS already at the end of the spiral, as an enlightened figure, potentially “playing a secret game” or “building something”. There’s an inevitability to Alan’s fate that stresses me out. Describing himself as a demiurge or demon too,, somehow he made everything 10x more unsettling. So thanks for that Alan. Love it for the horror, but also I just want Alice and Alan to reunite with Barry… it’s not looking so good.

I was already a fan of the cliffhanger-ish ending, but, even after seeing this one with more confirmations, I don’t understand comments I’ve seen about having to play the Final Draft to get the actual/true ending. The first ending was emotionally satisfying and left a bigger impression imo. It was the turning point of this entire cycle Alan was stuck in and is what makes the Final Draft’s ending feel earned. It didn’t need confirmation on Logan answering back or Alan ascending because Alice’s post-credit video implied that was what would eventually happen. I still like this final draft’s ending, but I don’t think it’s to the detriment of the original playthrough and won’t hurt if anyone doesn’t end up playing through it (Kinda how I view AWAN too—although I haven’t finished it)

Dr. Darling my beloved. My everything. Remedy took their chance at making the funniest crossover. Alan repeating text over and over, being what’s keeping the dark place formed in its current shape—reminded me of the final nursery rhyme. This could’ve been creepier, but Darling’s reaction of “let’s not think too much about that” for the voice was golden. And what is there even to say about Zane and Darling. They got to flirt, so good for them. The ramifications of this could be dire or stay as some gag.

My conclusion on the situation with Alan, Zane, and Scratch is “I don’t think we’ll ever really know.” All the same person, but also every iteration is their own person. Their existences are too muddled and changed and distorted to ever find an origin or who made who.

I do find it fun that generally Zane IS helping Alan/Scratch and wanted to collaborate with Alan, and Scratch also wanted to become one with Alan, be the heart, bring an enteral deerfest that celebrates Alan. They’re both dangerous and/or manipulative, but it doesn’t seem to be out of hate.

My game had a bug where I could never talk with Odin and Tor apart from the mandatory scenes to move the game, so I missed everything near her trailer AND whatever they were standing around for in the Final Draft 😔

The Lake House page is making me excited for the DLC with the same name! Big fan of Remedy’s love for mad scientists and their death-by-hubris. Another Darling name drop that further shows how annoyed some FBC employees are at Darling’s golden boy reputation and his smug confidence. Incredible.

The Night Springs intro video!! Literally lays out what happens. Alan succeeds, transcends, and becomes a master of these realities he was inspired from. Interested in what this means for the Night Springs DLC. Will it make characters experience one of these other realities or will it remain grounded in the real world of Alan Wake 2?

I’m in love with how Alan Wake 2 repeatedly tells the player what the story and themes are, and outright says reveals and the ending before it plays out. The Yötön Yö song about Scratch, the Zane film of the same name spoiling “It’s not a loop it’s a spiral” and Alice+Alan in the Final Draft, this Night Springs intro confirming his success, all the nursery rhymes predicting Saga’s life, etc. Telling out what will happen through different mediums of art. It’s a clever way of making everything fit together and imply that Door, Zane, Alice, etc. aren’t as affected by the loop’s cycles restarting.

There’s mysteries that haven’t gotten answered at all. Nothing for Tim’s future and underlying connection to Door (I know it’s related to Quantum Break, but haven’t played). The 103 door a guest at the lodge kept banging and screaming at, which I think had the square looped symbol at the Oceanview Motel in Control. The employees door at Oh Deer Diner was always closed off.

Glad to have officially played through Alan Wake 2! Need that DLC trailer to drop soon

[checkoutmybookshelf]

You Tag Me Before I Tag You, and You're In. No Questions Asked.

Before we get into Artemis Fowl: The Atlantis Complex, we need to take a small detour into one of the few Fowl Short stories. Before we continue to Artemis's saga, we need to spend a little time with the Root brothers. The Artemis Fowl Files is technically two short stories and a bunch of miscellaneous worldbuilding and activites--it's a kids book, you guys--but we're going to just focus on one of the stories. Let's talk "LEPrecon."

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND below the break, so if you're not caught up on the whole Artemis Fowl series and the short stories, catch up first, then read this.

Content Warning: Arachnaphobes might want to skip this post and this book, because there are scary AF spiders, and I will be talking about them.

We're all very familiar with--and love despite his grumplestiltskin nature and low-key sexism--LEP Commander Julius Root. We're also very familiar with Captain Holly Short, first female elf to make the Reconaissance Squad, or LEPrecon. What we are less familiar with are a) How Holly got herself on recon, and b) Commander Root's dickhead older brother. This short work gives us the story of Holly's recon initiation and introduces us to criminal mastermind wanna-be Captain Turnball Root.

Y'all know that I love Opal Koboi. Well, Turnball makes me sad. Not because he's not a good villain--he is--but because his entire cat-and-mouse game with Julius is sad and it gives Julius the big sad. The TLDR on Turnball is that he was using his position as an LEP Captain to run a smuggling ring and Julius caught him with his finger on the button of a massive explosion that would have wiped out half of Haven. Julius couldn't shoot his own brother, so Turnball escaped and the two have been cat-and-mousing for 500 years.

So when Turnball shows up on the Tern Islands to fuck up Holly's initiation and strip Julius of his magic--and thereby his life, because the LEP does not employ magic-less fairies--the heartbreaking thing is not so much Turnball himself as Turnball's effect of Julius. Julius goes from the most possibly exhausted "not this shit again" to "god I wish I could just hug it out with my brother and make everything ok" to "you threatened my officers, look in my eyes and tell me I won't pull this trigger." And yet, none of that prevents Julius from instantly going for the coffee grounds when his big brother swallows a tunnel blue spider.

SIDEBAR: Holy shit Colfer, did you HAVE to stick a carnivorous spider with claws sharp enough to cut air that is small enough to TIP DOWN SOMEONE'S THROAT in the path of an utter psychopath like Turnball goddamn Root??? I was not ike...thrilled with spiders before I read this short story, and the fact that tunnel blue spiders are Turnball's favorite way of torturing and murdering other elves was NOT COMFORTING.

So yeah, Julius didn't hesitate to use the coffee grounds to stop the tunnel blue spider's heart and save his brother's life. This relationship is hard for both brothers, and the tragic thing is that not only do they both know its hard but they also can't seem to break the pattern.

Now, what does this have to do with Holly? Well, it's her initiation into recon that Turnball completely fucks up to get to Julius. The rules for the initiation are that the rookie and a senior officer (Holly and Julius, respectively, in this case) go hunting for each other. The rookie has zero resources and the senior officer has a full arsenal. Typically, these initiations are recorded and reviewed, and candidates may or may not be promoted to recon based on the review. There is, however, a loophole: If the rookie tags (with a paintball gun) the senior officer before getting tagged themself, then they skip the review process and are in, no questions asked.

Despite fully managing to pull both Julius Root's and Trouble Kelp's bacon out of the fire and successfully facilitating the arrest of Turnball and his two accomplices, Holly is basically told that she isn't trustworthy enough to be in recon. She did have to disobey a set of direct orders and demonlish a human house to rescue her people, but JULIUS, COME ON. And yet, we know that Holly is a member of recon. So what gives?

In the ballsy-est move I think I have ever seen, when she is asked if there is anything she can do to prove that she's trustworthy, she shoots Julius in the chest with her painball gun three times.

*stands up. Applauds.*

Hell yes, Holly.

So overall, I'm not generally a big short story girl; I tend to prefer longofrm storytelling, or at least a novella. That said, I thoroughly did love this short story. I thought it was a nice addition to Holly and Root's relationship, and I think it does a wonderful job of setting up Turnball for his role in The Atlantis Complex.

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 71 – Prophet, Volume 3: Empire by Brandon Graham (et al)

I’m continuing to read volumes of this as natural breaks between each large book which, besides being a way to juice my reading stats for the year, does do a great job of testing how good my memory is. In general this feels like a pretty consistent continuation of volume 2, with sharper characterization and an utterly overstuffed plot.

The comic continues the saga of a revived Earth Empire, entirely populated by the revived (and no also being once again mass-produced) effectively-posthuman clones of one John Prophet. Specifically, the story is mostly split between following the ‘Old Man’ Prophet who defected and led the rebellion which toppled the first empire, and the newest Father, the prophet who was the star of the frst volume and is responsible for resurrecting the empire to begin with. Beyond continuing on the story from previous volumes, these issues introduce a new threat invading from the edge of known space which is the ostensible new driver of the plot and what both leads are left scrambling to try and find a solution to.

Now, it might just be that I’m failing to adapt and meet the medium where it is, but my overall feeling really is that there’s far too much plot (and just, stuff) stuffed into far too little space. This volume did do a lot more touching on and sketching out real character dynamics and fun little beats for the cast, which really only kind of drove home the fact that there just isn’t the page count to do more than touch on them. In terms of plot my feeling is that this whole psychic pain nebula or whatever is a needless distracton from a story that already had plenty going on, especially since as of the end of the volume it’s stll no where close to being resolved. Will see where volume 4 goes with it, I suppose.

One thing the book did set aside a bit of time for was giving a sense of what the society of a bunch of wildly distinct posthumn clones of some guy from thousands of years ago now engineered into a brutal imperialist engine of militarism with genetically defined castes actually looks like. Which was absolutely great fun, and I dearly wish there’d been whole issues devoted to the question. Especially since the book actually commits to it being weird. Also, as far as world-building tropes goes, I absolutely adore the whole conceit of a society of engineered soldier/slaves/automata upholding an empire long after the creators their theoretically imperializing for are long gone. Gets into fun themes of inheritance and legacy, if nothing else.

Also, points for having a sleazy sci fi brothel scene and having zero conventionally-attractive-human-woman-with-blue-skin to be seen. I think the feature most vocally sexualized was gills? Truly a breath of fresh air compared to most sci fi. Really there’s probably something to be said about how resolutely unsexualized and un-Male-Gaze-ey the art is compared to most big comic books, but I really don’t have the background to make it.

Less pleasing uses of the pagecount where the points where you could really feel it become obvious that this is part of some wider superhero comic universe – the improbable number of characters who are ‘ancient beyond reckoning’ or similar who are clearly introduced and given instant narrative significance as fanservice gets old incredibly quickly. (Also, superhero names are dumb in a way that’s noticeably distinct from the way space opera names are dumb, and they don’t necessarily go together well. Suprema?)

[krwioholik]

|| Oh bless Eskel, sweet Eskel, he's so wonderful 😍

Rather personal rambling about the entire scene under the cut

I always identified so strongly with Ciri here, because I grew up doing professional sports - several disciplines in fact. So I was always training in this or that way, and always covered in bruises and scrapes, always fighting 'milk in the muscles', always sore... and always wishing I were a boy, so I could be stronger, faster, so I wouldn't be worse than my male friends at the time. For years I hated everything 'girly' because all I associated it with was weakness and constraints. It took me ages to overcome that, to be able to connect with my femininity, stop hating it, to learn how to enjoy it and see the beauty in it.

And it's funny because when I read the Saga for the first time, at about 14-15, I was still firmly in that anti-feminine mindset, and I remember being so, so annoyed with Triss, with her making a scene of it, with her teaching Ciri she was allowed to have days of weakness - I wanted the period and femininity gone, erased, eradicated, not recognised and respected.

I like how drastically my views have changed on it now. And yes, Triss is still gross, but she is also so very right here in defending Ciri and Ciri's femininity. It's damn precious and deserves both respect and protection.

And I know there are some valid reasons for which people call Sapkowski a 'gross, old man,' but damn, he did some things very right in his books too, in his portrayal of all the very different women in them, and the issues women face.

[futuremrsdrcullen]

Aren't We Just Terrified - Part Three

Part Three of the New Moon reader insert fic that I've been promising for FAR far too long.

Summery- The idea of facing mortal danger just to see a ghost of him almost sounded rational here.

I watched as Bella hugged her chest to keep herself whole. I stood by as she chased adrenaline for the smallest glimpse of Edward.

I didn’t feel perfect- standing there didn’t heal me. I let out a small humorless laugh and shook my head accepting that I couldn’t keep pretending that there was never a wound in the first place.

Word Count- 18,067

Warnings- This is New Moon, so it's a lot darker than the first. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ I'm Always in This Twilight READ THAT FIRST!! Depression, abandonment, misunderstandings, break ups, Age gaps because of vampires, angst! It's very angsty, but it gets better! I promise it has a very happy ending.

Notes from me- My name is Claire and this is my second love child. I have finally finished my version of New Moon and I could not be more excited for you guys to see it.

This is book 2 of probably 5 so stayed tuned for the rest of them.

I DO NOT own The Twilight Saga. All rights go directly to S. Meyer.

Read on AO3 <3

Part one <3 Part Two <3 Masterlist <3

Thank you for being here, I Love you <3

Aren't We Just Terrified - Part Three

There sat Carlisle’s car. 

It was his car. I knew it was. I knew that car as well as my own.

He could be in there, waiting for me. I blinked back tears until I saw Dad's headlights. I could be crying when Dad got here, we had just lost a family friend. I got out of the car and turned off Bella’s. He shut the passenger door of the truck as I ran around to hug him fiercely.

“I’m so sorry Dad.” I really needed him right then just as much as he needed me. They were completely different reasons, and he didn’t know mine, but the fact remained.

“It’s hard to believe.” He sighed into my hair but his hug didn’t loosen. I nodded and he turned, one arm still wrapped around me. He pulled me to the door right as Bella ran out. She said the same apologies. She asked about Sue and the kids, though we knew as well as anyone how hard this would be all around. 

Dad’s other arm went around Bella and we walked towards the door.

“Uhm, Dad?” She hesitated. My chest tightened. “You’ll never guess who’s here.”

He turned quickly back to the car by the road like it hadn’t hit before that moment it was even there. I desperately looked at Bella, who was looking at the front door. I swiftly diverted my eyes to the ground beneath my feet. I couldn’t, wouldn’t look at whoever was standing there. I didn’t wanna know. 

I locked my eyes on a worm that was wiggling in a puddle. I begged it to hold my attention. 

“Hi, Charlie, Y/n,” Her voice was soft and subdued. “I’m sorry I came at such a bad time.”

“Alice Cullen?” I laughed, I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn’t want to risk moving them from the worm. He didn’t sound like he actually believed she was there. “Alice, is that you?”

“It’s me.” She confirmed. “I was in the neighborhood.”

“Is Carlisle…?” His arm tightened around me, though I knew he was mostly asking about Edward. I still said nothing. I named the worm Jerry. I was entirely dependent on Jerry right now.

“No, I’m alone.”

I finally looked at her. She was here alone. Did he even know she was here? I couldn’t ask. I scanned her features hoping to find some kind of truth there. She was still so beautiful. She hadn’t changed at all, but she wouldn’t have I guess. Her eyes were dark, almost black.

I tried to soften as she looked at me. She wasn’t evil.

No, she and her family just left Bella and I to suffer for 6 months. I shivered and tore my eyes away and back to Jerry, who was wiggling his way to the mud. I wished he’d take me with him. Instead we headed inside. I still said nothing.

“There’s dinner for you on the table,” She looked between me and Dad.

“Thanks, Bells.” He shuffled into the kitchen and I followed the girls into the living room. They sat on the couch and I couldn’t bring my feet much further than the doorway. Alice pulled Bella to her and she rested her head on her shoulder.

“You look tired.” Alice whispered.

“Yeah… Near death experiences do that to me…”

“I’m sorry, what?” I raised my eyebrows at her as she turned to glance at me.

“I’m okay! Just went cliff jumping, and with the storm… Turns out I’m not as good a swimmer as I thought.  Jake saved me. It’s fine.”

“You could have died, Bella.”

“I know-” she tried.

“And you still have a fresh tattoo, by the way.” I added

It was Alice’s turn to be shocked, her brows furrowed and she shook her head once. “Tattoo?”

“It’s been more than a week. It’s probably fine.” She rolled her eyes but we couldn’t help, but chuckle softly. Bella pulled up her sleeve and showed Alice her tattoo. “Look, I got the day I started at Forks High, and Y/n got flowers from-” I crossed the room quickly and covered her mouth with my hand.

I spoke loudly over her. “So! Alice, what does Carlisle think about you being here?” I almost winced when I noticed this was the first time I’d said his name aloud since he left.

“He doesn't know. He and some of the others were out  on a hunting trip. I’m sure I’ll hear from him as soon as he gets back.” 

“You won’t tell him though… when he checks in again?” Bella sounded distant somehow.

“No he’d bite my head off.” Alice said grimly

Bella almost laughed; she just pressed closer to Alice instead. Her arms were tight, like she was certain if she let go, Alice would disappear again. She clung to her the way she held her own chest together. It broke my heart to watch.

I saw Bella’s eyes slowly starting to close and said “Get some rest Bells,”

“I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

As soon as Bella was snoring I started, “I should go-”

“I don’t know what Carlisle will do when he finds out I'm here, but I imagine he’ll catch the first plane to seattle.” She spoke softly. I just nodded.

“Thanks for the warning.”

“He hates this, Y/n. He hates that we left, and he hates that he hurt you. He never wanted to leave in the first place.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and blinked a few times. I felt the tears that fell, despite my efforts. “But he did.” my voice shook, I didn’t give her time to respond.

I went upstairs as fast as my feet would carry me and collapsed into my bed. Yet, I don't think I slept an ounce.

~~

I stayed attached to Dad a lot after the day Harry passed, and Alice returned. I went with him to the Clearwaters everyday. They planned a funeral as I avoided my problems. Though I think Leah enjoyed my company. I think I helped her hide from her problems as well. The obvious one, and the potential werewolf transformation. Though I didn’t know if girls could be werewolves. I didn’t ask.

If Carlisle did come back, I wouldn’t know what to say, so I’d be there. Not that I really thought he would come back. If he came back with his perfect hair and stunning smile and stupid loveable face, I would be here and he wouldn’t be able to find me, not that I thought he would try.

By the morning of the funeral I was no longer surprised to see Alice sitting at the table ‘sharing’ a coffee with my dad. She wasn’t drinking it, but she put on a good show. Dad’s suit fit him well. He looked very nice, despite the gravity of the situation. 

I told him I would meet him there. He was going early to set up and I didn’t want, nor need to be there for 6 extra hours.

Bella was cleaning. I think she just wanted to make Dad's life easier. Alice was hanging around, wherever Bella went, so did Alice. They talked about school and old classmates. Alice talked about how Jasper started school, and mentioned how Carlisle is teaching classes at Cornell. I tried to imagine him as a professor, but I felt heat reach my cheeks and changed the subject before she could hear my heart rate spike.

“Do you think he’ll really come back?” I asked.

She nodded. “I know he will. I’m a little surprised I haven’t heard or seen anything yet. I do know he’ll get back from his hunting trip today, but that’s all I’ve been able to see so far.” If he wasn’t back, he didn’t know she was here and couldn’t make the decision to fly out here. She couldn’t see how it would play out until he decided.

If you had asked me 6 months ago, before they left, I think I would have believed he would fly out, but now? I didn’t feel like I knew him at all. “I genuinely have no idea what to say to him, if he does come.” I looked to my feet and crossed my arms. I didn’t like the way not knowing made me feel. Like at any moment a literal vampire was going to leap from the shadows and grab me. Sure I probably should have worried about that with Victoria, but I’d probably be dead before I noticed her, so I didn’t.

She almost looked confused. “Have you… I’ve seen you at the house.” I matched her expression, equally as confused but nodded. “Did you go into his office?”

Oh no , I sighed. “I never got that far. I got to the living room, but left after… that.” I chose to leave out the panic attack. She probably knew all about that anyway.

“I think you should see what's in there. I don’t really know what it is, but I think it might help you heal.”

Then the doorbell rang and Alice looked more confused than I felt. I decided I would try to go after the funeral. If I couldn’t get all the way to his office then I’d just wait for him to be here. I winced, the idea of him here still feeling impossible.

I would have panicked if Alice didn’t respond. “Bella, I have a fairly good guess who that might be, and I think I should step out.

Not Carlisle… Probably Jacob.

“Guess?” 

“If this is a repeat of my egregious lapse in foresight yesterday, then it’s most likely Jacob Black, or one of his… friends.”

Bella stared at her, mouth parted just slightly. “You can’t see werewolves?”

She grimaced. “So it would seem.” I could tell just how much this annoyed her. I made no effort to answer the door, even as it rang twice more. I did roll my eyes at him.

“You don’t have to go anywhere, Alice. You were here first.”

“I don’t think that’s a good-” I did not want a supernatural brawl in my living room. 

Alice agreed, cutting me off. “Trust me- It wouldn’t be a good idea to have me and Jacob Black in a room together.”

She kissed Bella’s cheek swiftly before she vanished. I wondered if she’d be back before I left for the funeral. Or if she’d hear from Carlisle while she was gone. 

Bella did actually go to answer the door the next time it rang. I followed slowly behind her, just in case it wasn’t Jacob. I knew it was, based purely on the incessant doorbell ringing, but I just wanted to be sure. Once I got close enough I could hear how stressed he was and how annoyed Bella was and I decided it was best to stay back.

“She’s not here. Do you need something?”

He hesitated. “You're here alone?”

“Not alone.” I called from behind her and waved once. “Hi Jacob.”

I didn’t miss when Bella rolled her eyes at him. I also noticed that he brought his friends and they were waiting in the car outside. I chuckled, but he kept his eyes on Bella.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Of course you can, Jacob. Come on in.”

She held the door open for him and I moved to take my leave. “I’ll go… do the dishes… If you need me. Kay?” I laid a comforting hand on her shoulder as I walked by. She bit her lip and nodded, clearly calmer knowing I wouldn’t be far, and they moved to the living room. He said something sarcastic to her and I decided it would be best to stay out of it.

It would only make things worse if I punched him, even if he deserved it. There weren't any dishes to do. I turned the water on and let it run for a moment, just to aid my story. I washed the one coffee mug in the sink and put away the clean dishes that were on the drying rack. 

Admitting defeat, I turned the sink back off. I really didn’t want to eavesdrop. I resorted to making coffee. I only had one cup this morning anyway. I hoped the brewing would be loud enough to cover they’re conversation. I leaned against the counter and watched it brew.

I heard Bella marching into the kitchen, her tone thick with annoyance. “Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren't coming to get you.”

“Okay,” His voice was calm and collected somehow, despite her teasing. I didn’t add that we didn’t know they weren’t coming back. Or that Carlisle was almost definitely coming back, according to Alice. But when she walked into the kitchen he didn’t follow, though I didn’t hear him leave. She leaned against the counter next to me and rested her head on my shoulder. For a long moment she didn’t move. The room felt so still.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek before I even knew it was there. I didn’t know how to comfort her. Surely, Alice being back didn’t mean Bella and Jake Couldn’t still be friends. Then I felt her tears soak my sweater sleeve, and I knew he had made that ultimatum.

Stupid supernatural drama…

“Bella…?” Jacob asked in a troubled voice. “I did it again, didn’t I?”

“Did what?” Her voice cracked.

“Broke my promise. Sorry”

“S’okay,” she mumbled “I started it this time.”

His face twisted. I’m sure mine did the same. The want to punch him rising again. I hated how easily he could hurt her; I just kissed her forehead and made my way out to the front porch grabbing a pen as I went.

They needed privacy and I needed air. Also time to process the idea that Carlisle might actually come back. I missed him. I missed him so much and there was a healing feeling in letting myself admit that.

I’d spent almost as much time missing him as we had spent together. I had loved him, trusted him, more than anyone before. I still love him, and yet there was this painful hole where he used to exist. 

The idea of seeing him now filled me with something akin to excitement or anger or fear, so much so that I was scared to even unpack it all. I had just gotten used to seeing Alice again. I had to get through the funeral. Then maybe I could sit down and evaluate my feelings. Or fall apart, which seemed more likely. I wrote ‘the hours before a funeral’ on the back of my hand.

I could almost hear the phone ring, but it stopped quickly and I figured Bella got it. Then I heard yelling and moved to go back inside and I felt the tell-tale sign of a vampire running past, the door barely even swinging behind Alice as she rushed in. 

By the time I could get in there Bella was on the couch. Her eyes were squeezed tight and she was leaning against Jacob for support. 

“What did you do to her?” He hardly sounded in control.

Alice didn’t seem to notice him at all. “Bella? Bella, snap out of it. We have to hurry.”

“What?” no one seemed to notice me either.

“Stay back.”

“Calm down Jacob Black,” Alice ordered. “You don’t want to do that so close to her.” 

“I don’t think I’ll have any problem keeping my focus.” He gained a small amount of composure, though his threat was made clear.

“Uhm guys… Is anyone going to tell me what’s hap-”

Bella pulled together and finished my question, “What happened?”

“I don’t know!” Alice cried in response “What is he thinking?”

“Who? What is going on?” I looked to Bella who looked at Alice then to Jacob expecting them to have an answer. Jacob said nothing and Alice reached in her bag to pull out a cell phone.

“Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle, Now”  She talked fast and hushed. “Great… of course he is. Is there a chance he could still call? No, I’ll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?”

She paused waiting for her to answer, her face got more and more concerned and angry with every word Rosalie spoke. I watched the phone shake in her hand. Something was very very wrong. I held my breath.

“Why?” she gasped. “Why would you do that, Rosalie?” More than anything I wished I had vampire hearing. I wanted to know what she had done to make Alice act this way. “Well you’re wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don’t you think? Yeah that’s right. She’s absolutely fine- I was wrong… It’s a long story… but you’re wrong about that part too, that’s why I’m calling… Yes, that’s exactly what I saw.”

My head was spinning trying to keep up. I tried to decipher what was going on, but still came up short. Alice looked more angry than I’d ever seen her, it was almost frightening. “It’s a bit late for that, Rose. save your remorse for someone who believes it.” Alice snapped the phone shut with a sharp twist of her fingers.

I rushed to Bella’s side and grabbed her hand. Alice looked like she was in pain, like she didn’t want to say what she had to say next. My own chest tightened. 

“Alice,” Bella got her name out before Alice could speak “Alice, Carlisle is back though.”

This time I cut her off, “Back where?”

“From his hunting trip… He called just a minute ago.”

Alice stared blankly at Bella, “How long ago?”

“Half a minute before you showed up.”

Her eyes went wide and she looked more focused. “What did he say?”

“I didn’t talk to him.” Bella’s eyes flicked to Jacob.

“ You answered the phone in my  house…” Oooh I really wanted to punch him “It was Carlisle, and you didn’t let me talk to him?” My voice shook.

“He didn’t ask for you,” I was going to punch him. Bella squeezed my hand and pulled me back. “He asked for Charlie, and I told him Charlie wasn’t here.” Jacob muttered resentfully.

“Is that everything?” Alice demanded, I shivered at her tone. I really wanted her to punch him, that would at least do damage.

“Then he hung up on me?” Jacob spat back. He was still shaking. I’m sure I was too. This was a mess.

“You told him Charlie was at the funeral,”  Bella reminded him.

Alice jerked her head back to Bella “What were his exact words.”

“He said, ‘He’s not here,’ and When Carlisle asked where Charlie was, Jacob said ‘at the funeral’”

Alice moaned and fell to her knees. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to throw my arms around Bella and never let go. I was panicking.

“Tell me Alice,” Bella whispered.

“That wasn’t Carlisle on the phone,” she said hopelessly 

“Are you calling me a liar?” Jacob demanded, losing a bit of control again. I huffed out a sarcastic laugh.

Alice ignored him and locked her color-drained eyes on Bella.

“It was Edward… He thinks you’re dead.” As she said his name I felt the color drain from my face. My hand covered my mouth as it fell open. Edward thought Bella was dead. I started to cry behind my hand.

But Bella seemed almost relieved? “Rosalie told him I killed myself, didn’t she?”

“Yes,” Alice admitted. Oh my god… how was Bella okay right now? “In her defense, she did believe it. They rely on my sight far too much for something that works so imperfectly. But for her to track him down to tell him this! Didn’t she realize…”

“Or care…” I added, absolutely horror stricken.

“And when Edward called here, he thought Jacob meant my funeral,” She was gripping Jacob’s arm and my hand like they were the only things keeping her alive. He didn’t flinch and I held on just as tight.

Alice and I shared a glance, unsure how to approach this conversation. She clearly wasn’t seeing the big picture. “You’re not upset,” Alice whispered.

“Well, it’s really rotten timing, but it will all get straightened out. The next time he calls, someone will tell him… what… really…” Bella trailed off, like what she was saying was finally dawning on her. I could see the questions flash in her mind.

“Bella,” Alice whispered. “Edward won’t call again. He believed her.”

“I. Don’t. Understand.” She didn’t actually say anything. It was like a whisper of a word that she had to force out.

“He’s going to Italy.”

I felt more tears fall. My heart felt like it was going to cave in. Dumb, over dramatic, teenagers; He was going to get himself killed because he believed she was dead. How stupidly Romeo and Juliette of him.

“NO!” Bella half-shrieked, though I think it was still hard for her to form words. It made us all jump. “No! No, no, no! He can’t! He can’t do that!”

He made up his mind as soon as your friend confirmed that it was too late to save you.” That’s why she came rushing back, she saw him choose death.

“But he… he left! He didn’t want me anymore! What difference does it make now?”

My chest tightened again and I was sure it was going to cave in soon. I had to admit she had a solid point. They didn’t care enough to stay, why would it matter to them that she had died. Maybe he blamed himself, I kind of wanted him to blame him myself.

“I don’t think he ever planned to outlive you by long,” Alice said quietly.

“How dare he!” Bella rose to her feet trying to push a still trembling Jacob out of her way. She dropped my hand. She was desperate and scared and so angry. She begged “What do we do? Can’t we call him? Can Carlisle?”

“Carlisle isn’t back.” I tried to answer for Alice, she shook her head.

“He got back but he’s on a plane.” She left off where he was heading but my chest tightened anyway. “That was the first thing I tried. Edward left his phone in a trash can in Rio- Someone answered it…” she was still so quiet.

“You said before we had to hurry. Hurry how? Let’s do it, whatever it is!”

“Bella…”

“Bella, I-I don’t think I can ask you to…” 

“Ask me!” Bella demanded. I really wished she wouldn’t, because whatever it is, I could tell it would be bad; I knew Bella would do it. I felt like I was going to be sick.

Alice placed her hands on Bella’s shoulders, I didn’t know if it was to steady her or to just keep her. “We may already be too late. I saw him going to the Volturi… and asking to die.” We all flinched, except Jacob, who didn’t seem like he minded all that much. “It all depends on what they choose. I can’t see that till they make a decision.

“But if they say no, and they might- Aro is fond of Carlisle, and wouldn’t want to offend him- Edward has a back up plan. They are very protective of their city. If Edward does something to upset the peace, he thinks they’ll act to stop him. He’s right. They will.”

My head was spinning, tears flowing freely at this point. Though Bella still looked terrified, she stood her ground. I knew there would be no chance of her changing her mind. She was going to Italy. 

Alice continued, “So if they grant his favor, we’re too late. If they say no, and he comes up with a plan to offend them quickly enough, we’re too late. If he gives in to his more theatrical tendencies… we might have time.”

“Let’s go!” 

“Bella, please-” I tried to grab her hand again, but she brushed me off.

“Listen, Bella! Whether we are on time or not, we will be in the heart of the Volturi city. I will be considered his accomplice if he is successful. You will be a human who not only knows too much, but also smells too good. There’s a very good chance that they will eliminate us all- though in your case it won’t be punishment so much as dinnertime.”

I cringed again. She might not come back from this; more so than last time. If she came back at all, she could be a vampire, and wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near people. This could be the last time I ever see my sister as the girl I know her as. 

And she was willing to go, right now- with or without Alice. 

“Tell me what I need to do!”

“You write a note to Charlie. I’ll call the airlines.”

Bella and I both lost our breaths again. “Charlie,”

“I’m not going to let anything happen to Charlie … Or Y/n.” He was still so angry he was shaking. “Screw the treaty.”

“Y/n, can you tell him?”

“No,” I shook my head. I almost laughed, but my chest hurt too much. “No, I will not tell our father, who is grieving his best friend, that his daughter left for Italy on a suicide mission to save her boyfriend from getting himself killed. Sorry, but I can’t do that to him, not right now.”

Her face softened, “I understand. A note will have to work.” She did sound understanding.

“Hurry, Bella.” They all broke off, leaving me alone on the couch. 

I brought my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them. I didn’t even know where to begin to process. Everything that I’d been feeling since they left bubbling to the surface and threatening to tear me apart. 

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even cry. 

I tried to focus on the sounds around me. Alice and Jacob arguing, Bella running up the stairs. The room was spinning, but I managed to get to my feet. I got next to Alice and she let me lean against her for support. I knew she would have to go as soon as Bella was ready, but I used her cold skin against mine to ground myself. 

“Argue when we get back, let’s go!”

Alice kissed my head and pulled back. I could stand on my own two feet again, knowing I didn’t have time to fall apart right now. 

I grabbed Bella’s hand. “Bella,”

“I have to-”

“I know, just… Be safe, okay? Come home.” She nodded a few times then picked up her bag. I turned, pointing to Alice, “and You. Bring her home. Whatever it takes.”

She nodded too, “I’ll try very hard.” I could tell she meant it. “Carlisle will be in tonight, but I don’t know when. He hasn’t decided what to do when he gets here.” She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly, before swinging me to Bella.

“I’ll be at the funeral. I’ll deal with that when I have time.” I hugged Bella with all the strength I had left and whispered. “I love you.”

She hugged me just as hard. “I love you.” when she pulled back our eyes met. I didn’t want to say goodbye and I could tell she didn’t either. I just nodded sharply and kissed her head and let her go. 

She stepped back and towards the door, Jacob stepped up to make his plea, but I couldn’t hear them over the ringing in my head. I took a page out of Bella’s book and wrapped my arms around my chest to hold myself together.

The engine to Carlisle’s car revved and Bella took off, still shouting back at Jacob.

“Take care of Charlie!” I think it was meant for Jacob, but he was already running off. I nodded. Then she stepped on the gas, the tires screeching in protest. 

And they were gone. 

I stared after them, but they were gone faster than I could keep up. Jacob’s discarded shoes hadn’t even hit the ground. He had shifted and ran off in the other direction.

I had to remember how to breathe.

Dad, my poor, sweet Dad had only just lost his best friend and now his daughter was very likely going to her death.

I’d probably have to be the one to tell him, so no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t break down yet. I didn’t even know where I’d begin. I’d let him read the note. I’d wait to hear if she was alive- human or otherwise- and then I’d start from the beginning. If she died, he deserved to know exactly how.

I’d spend every single second, hoping she’d come home, vampire or not.

But first, the funeral.

I had to get ready to meet Dad on the reservation in an hour. The funeral started in two. I couldn’t help but wonder where they’d be by then. I googled flight patterns to Italy. It would be at least 12 hours before they would land in Italy and it was only noon.

I had a very long night ahead of me.

~~

I showered, I got dressed, I attended the funeral of a man who had a hand in raising me, and I pretended to be okay. If I couldn’t do anything else, at least I could hold myself together for Dad. Bella never planned to be here, so luckily he didn’t ask about her. I wanted to tell him, he needed to know, but she left a note, and he didn’t need me unloading the family drama… not right now.

Everyone had already started to head home. Dad and I had stayed later than most, like we had all week. Billy and Sam stayed too, though Jacob left first. If Dad didn’t tell me, I probably wouldn’t have known he was here at all. He came in, paid his respects, then left just as quickly.

I knew the hurt he felt. We may never see Bella again, and there was nothing we could do about it. Except pretend nothing was wrong. It wasn’t easy.

A shiver shot through me. Everything got too loud, the world started spinning. I stepped out to breathe and collect my thoughts. This impending panic attack couldn’t happen here.

I wasn’t outside long before Sam came out too. I was leaning against the wall, my face in my hands.He didn’t say anything for a long moment. I pushed back the tears that were trying to break free before turning to face him. His eyes were soft when they found mine.

“Y/n… I’m-” he started.

“I know. Me too.”

There was another moment of silence before he spoke again. “It’s been a crazy couple of days…”

I couldn’t help but laugh softly, “Just a little.”

“Everytime things calm down, something else goes just so, so wrong.” He was laughing now too. Nothing about any of this was funny, but it was all the energy we had left.

“God it’s so bad.”

He still smiled as he said, “The pack is having a bonfire tonight. For Harry, and the Clearwaters. You could come, if you wanted.”

I shook my head. “I’ll need to be home. Dad doesn’t know Bella’s gone yet. I wouldn’t want to leave him alone tonight.” I winced, the last bit of humor completely faded.

“Do you…” He looked troubled. I could tell he didn’t want to add to my stress, but he asked anyway. “I know Bella said they weren’t, but now, I don’t know. Are they coming back?”

“Carlisle is. I’ll have to talk to him at some point.” I looked at my shoes. “He might not even stay. I don’t think the others will but… but maybe… Hell, I don’t even know that Bella is coming back.” I trembled again, wishing I could give him the answers he wanted. Maybe knowing would make me feel a little less hopeless.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a hand through his damp hair. “But I hope they don’t”

I almost laughed again. “That’s fair, I guess. I don’t have the energy to stress about it now.” I pressed off of the wall and started to drift back inside. He caught my arm.

“If you need anything. You or Charlie. If anything happens-”

I cut him off again, “I’m sure you’ll hear about it rather quickly.” I mustered some strength to pull my arm back and went inside. I didn’t need nor want any more of this wolf-y bullshit. 

I just wanted to go home. 

It was eight o’clock and all the adrenaline from this morning was completely gone. I had nothing left. Dad could tell.

“You can go home honey. I’m gonna be here a while still to help clean up.” I just nodded. He kissed the top of my head and I drifted back out. 

As soon as I was behind the wheel I knew I wasn’t going straight home. I found the house like it was second nature. I hoped, if he was here, he wouldn’t notice me pull in. I wanted a few more seconds to pull myself together. Outwardly, nothing had changed. For a second I thought maybe my instincts were wrong. Maybe he wasn’t back, but then I noticed the porch light was on.

~~

Carlisle’s Point of View

It didn’t take me long to get home, though it felt like days. I was looking at flights as soon as Rosalie had mentioned her name. I think I would have flown home soon anyway. 

I needed to see her. 

It was clear that someone had been here. The driveway wasn’t completely reclaimed by nature. All of the lights were off, but the power still flowed and they came on when I tried the switch. 

I pulled my car into the garage and shut it behind me. I didn’t know where to begin. I couldn’t just rush to her door, despite how desperately I wanted to.

I’d almost hoped she’d be here when I got here, but I hadn’t heard anything from her at all. She could absolutely hate me.

I couldn’t blame her, if she did.

The front door was unlocked. There was a small chance Alice had left it unlocked, but I doubted Alice would have used the front door and not her room access. Everything in the house was still covered in dust. The sheets hadn’t been moved.

Nothing had changed at all. A sinking feeling washed over me. There weren't recent footprints in the dust on the floor. She hadn’t been here in months. There was only one chair uncovered, but now it too, was dusty. Then the footprints led back outside.

I rushed up to my office. There was no evidence at all that she had even started to move this way, but I had to hope. I had to see for myself that she hadn’t. The door was still shut. My hand hesitated just above the knob. All of my senses were screaming that she wasn’t in there and yet when I yanked the door open I expected to see her.

But the office was exactly like I had left it.

Everything.

The letter, the money, the plane tickets. They all sat in the very same spot I’d put them 6 months ago. Dusty, and in the exact same spot.

She had never been here. She had no idea that I left this for her to find. She had spent this whole time believing that I had just abandoned her. Panic rose in my throat so high I thought I’d choke on it.

Quickly, I checked the clock. It was only a quarter past eight. She’d probably be awake. Probably about to head to work, though she might have taken time off for Harry Clearwaters death. I didn’t have time to think it through. I’d get to town and track her if I had to. I just had to explain everything. I didn’t expect her to forgive me.

I couldn’t even really forgive myself. How could I just trust that she would find this. I should have been more throughout. Edward and Alice’s opinion be damned. I should have just taken her with me.

If it would have saved her months of this pain.

I collected the papers and ran towards the front door. I glanced at the footprints again and felt my chest tighten. She had been here, and she found nothing. I had hurt her again and she’d left.

If nothing else, I had to see her. I had to see that she was okay. I had to give her this closure.

I swung open the front door.

~~

Y/n’s Point of View

I didn't think.

Gravity pulled me toward the front door. I walked as quickly as my feet would carry me. I would have ran, but I knew I would have fallen. I paused on the front porch to take a deep breath.

I didn’t know for sure he was here. I still hoped he wouldn’t notice me. Also it was entirely possible Alice had left the porch light on. Either way, Alice told me to go into his office. I just had to convince myself I could get in the front door.

I think my heart actually stopped when the front door opened.

I hadn’t really planned this far ahead. I didn’t know what to say and I completely froze. There he stood. Beautiful, golden, there- Actually right there. 

Over 100 times since he left I pictured what this very moment would look like, but not once did I think of what I would say.

I looked into his golden eyes. They were so bright and liquid, somehow. It would have taken my breath away, if I had been breathing. I just gaped at him. I saw the worry in his features and winced as my name left his lips and I had the strength to look away from his gaze. I silently prayed for Jerry to wiggle his way out of the ground at this exact moment. 

“you…” I took a shaky deep breath. “You left.”

“Y/n, I tried…”

“No. You left, Carlisle. I… I was in love with you and you left. I waited for it to be a nightmare. I kept waiting to wake up, but I didn’t because you really left.”

“Please, Y/n. I deserve everything you could say to me and worse. I just want you to know that I never intended to abandon you.”

“But you did.” my voice was broken and I couldn’t pull my eyes back to his face.

“I know…” He sounded so broken. He sighed and took the smallest step forward. I couldn’t even flinch away, not that I really wanted to. “God, Y/n. I’m sorry. I’m so truly sorry. I know that ‘sorry’ isn’t enough. I thought I left enough clues. I wanted you to find me.”

“What?” That made my eyes snap up. “How?”

“I asked you at the restaurant to take care of my plants. I just wanted you to find this…” he held an envelope out to me. I stared at it and shook my head. I couldn’t bring myself to take it.  He didn’t move. “There’s a letter explaining everything. The reason why I left the way I did, my plans moving forward. My new phone number, everything you would need to find me is in here.

“I thought if you made the decision to follow, Alice and Edward wouldn’t have the right to stop you. I had no idea you wouldn’t go in.”

“Alice…” I tried. She would have known, right?

“They refused to give me any information on what would happen when we left. They swore it was for the best. It’s not an excuse. I am fully capable of making my own decisions and I honestly believed it would be better for Bella if we left, but I wanted to give you the choice.”

I shook my head again. I didn’t try to stop the tears or wipe them away. “All of this was here? This… this whole time?” He nodded and I winced, more tears falling. “Fuck…”

He almost laughed, he almost took another step closer to me. I looked at his face and I could see the hesitation there. I was thankful for it. Despite how desperately I wanted to fling myself into his arms, I knew I needed time.

I raised my hand and felt the paper as he placed it in my palm. It was really dusty, as if to mock me that it was really here the whole time.

“I… I need time.” I could heal. I was already healing. “I need to read this and I need to hear from Bella.”

“I understand.” His voice was soft. 

“Shit… These are your kids, Carlisle. I’m so sorry.”

“She’s your sister. This isn’t easy for either of us. I’ll call you if I hear anything.” I nodded, watching his pained expression soften. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here until you tell me to go.”

I nodded again. Looking at the papers in my hand. I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to leave if I looked at him again, but his eyes never left my face.

I turned on my heels and walked back to my car. 

He stayed on the porch as I pulled out of the driveway.

I just went home.

~~

Dad was still up when I got home. I braced myself as I walked in the front door. 

As soon as I opened the door, his desperate voice called from the kitchen, “Bella?”

“It’s just me, Dad.” I almost heard him sigh, but the sound was covered by a crack of a beer can opening. I walked into the kitchen, still clutching the envelope from  Carlisle.

“What the hell is she thinking?” I leaned against the door frame and let him rant. “She’s just gonna go running back to him? What kind of trouble is he in that would justify this?” He pointed to the note on the table. I tried not to focus on the tear stains on it. “He didn’t come running back when she was half dead.”

“He didn’t know how bad she got.” I tried.

“Bull… whatever. Nothing I can do about it now. She won’t even answer my calls.” he took a long drink from his can. “What’s that?” he nodded towards the paper in my hand.

“A letter from Carlisle-”

He threw his hands up. “Fucking great…” he let out a humorless laugh. “What’s he got to say?”

I almost laughed too, “I uhm… I haven’t read it yet. It’s from before they left, apparently it was at their old house the whole time…” I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry, or if I would be able to stop if I started either action. I bit my lip to distract myself.

I think he read my inner monologue “I’m sorry, honey. I know these last few days have been awful for you. You can go read that if you want, or you can take a seat and have a beer if you don’t. It can wait another day, if you need more time.”

“I don’t think I can wait another day.” I smiled softly and walked over to him. I placed a kiss on his cheek and hugged his shoulders. “I’ll let you know if I hear from them. You should get some rest.”

He returned my hug and grabbed my hand as I pulled away. “I’ll try here in a bit… Thank you for being such a good kid.”

I did laugh at that. “Hey! I was kinda rebellious at times!” He just raised his eyebrows at me. “Okay, okay. She’s totally got me beat. She’ll come around.” Hopefully…

“Love ya kid.”

“Love you more.”

I drifted upstairs. Once my door was shut behind me, I looked at the letter again. I had to open it. I had to know what it was. I could tell that it was more than just a letter. It was very heavy and in kind of a large envelope, so unless it was just a very strongly worded letter, there had to be more. 

I sat at my desk, setting the papers on the desk in front of me. My legs wouldn’t stop shaking and I could tear my eyes away. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I heard Dad’s bedroom door shut and I felt confident that if I had to fall apart, I could. As long as Dad was asleep, I couldn’t add to his stress.

I slid my thumb under the edge. I laughed softly as I thought What if I got a paper cut right now? I had to take a second to let the giggling subside. Again I couldn’t tell why I was laughing, it wasn’t funny, but the irony was just too much.

Once I finally collected myself I reached into the envelope. I pulled out the first thing my fingers touched. The neatly folded piece of stationary was for sure the letter. Then there were the keys to Alice’s Prius, two open plane tickets to New york. I guess he wanted to give me the choice of a plus one. I guess if I brought Bella, Edward couldn’t be mad at him. Then I pulled out a stack of 100 dollar bills that made my eyes shoot open. I counted it quickly and there were 20, 100 dollar bills. I dropped it back to the desk like it was on fire.

Shock was setting in. He left me two plane tickets, a car, and 2000 dollars… My heart was racing. I knew that the answers to all of my questions were hidden in the letter, and I was out of ways to stall.

~~

Dearest Y/n,

I can’t begin to apologize for leaving you. There is nothing I could say that would make up for the hurt I may have caused. I never wanted to leave in the first place but Alice and Edward swore it was for the best. They promised me you would be alright.

I have to admit, Bella being the constant danger magnet that she is, I have to agree. She would be safer if we weren’t around. Bella, but not you.

I know that you are safe with me. I won’t completely turn a blind eye to the obvious dangers. If you were to become a vampire, those dangers would dissipate further. I am certain that even as an immortal Bella will still find some life threatening dangers.

It all boils down to your choice, Cara. Alice and Edward have decided that they know what is best, but I will never take away your right to choose for yourself.

I’ll hide my thoughts from Edward and think of something else while he’s around and I’ll leave the choice up to you so Alice won’t see the decision. By the time she does, no matter how you choose, it will be too late.

I will respect your choice. I will stay away until you are ready, even if you never are. I will welcome you here with open arms, if you choose to fly out, or I’ll catch the first flight back if you would prefer I come home.

We’ve changed our phone numbers. Mine is (#) if at any point you need anything, please do not hesitate to reach me.

The plane tickets are paid. Bring Bella or your father or anyone you like. Feel free to leave the car at the airport and I will pay for the extended parking, or just have it moved. 

Whatever you need is yours, Y/n. I will be waiting every second of every day to see you again. 

I am truly so sorry. If I had a say, I would have never left in the first place. I wish I could have just brought you with me, but again the choice is yours to make.

I want you to know how much I love you. I never thought I would find someone like you and I do not know what I’d be without you. I won’t stop missing you until we are together again.

My home, my heart, will stay with you. I love you.

~Carlisle Cullen.

~~

I held a shaky hand to my lips as I scanned the words over and over.

He loved me. He never wanted to leave and I had sat here for 6 months convinced he had abandoned me. He had left everything he could, just to make sure I could make my own choice.

I love him. I loved him before he left and I had missed him more than I was willing to admit. Now that he was back, I wanted nothing more than to forgive and forget and go running to him.

But so much hurt still lingered. 

Bella and Alice were running head first into a lion’s den to save Edward from himself.There was no way of knowing when, or if, they would come back. I couldn’t just pretend there wasn’t danger. 

Maybe Carlisle didn’t know how bad off we were, but Alice and Edward did. She would have seen what leaving would do to us and they left anyway. I was okay. I was a mess and my heart hadn’t even started to really heal from the worst heartbreak I’d ever experienced, but with time I could have pulled myself together. Even when Bella was ‘better’ she was still basically lifeless and they would have known.

Alice came back because she saw Bella throw herself off a cliff and thought that was completely plausible. Bella was that bad and they knew it. Edward believed it too, and they both chose to abandon her. 

My anger wasn’t with Carlisle, though there was some anger with him; He was a fully grown adult, who is capable of making his own choices, and chose to leave. I needed time, I could forgive and move on, but I needed time to do it.

I found my bed, though my legs threaten to give out underneath me. Once I hit the bed I was 100 percent okay with never moving again, but I felt my phone buzz. I blinked away the tears just so I could read the message.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM Unknown number

2:18am: Alice and Bella made it to Italy.

And then another

2:18am: This is Carlisle by the way.

I couldn’t bring myself to say much so I just shot back a quick ‘thanks’

2:19am: Of course. I will keep you up to date when I hear more. Let me know if you need anything at all.

I didn’t respond. I made the executive, adult, decision to just lock my phone screen. I rolled over and let myself fall apart.

I just cried myself to the edge of sleep.

~~

Updates were slow to come.

Well, it felt slow anyway. It was 9am before he heard from them again. He called me to update me that time. I almost didn’t answer; I was too scared.

“Y/n” his voice sounded relieved, like he could sense my hesitation. 

“Have you heard from them?” I didn’t mean to be so short. I hadn’t slept at all. After I read his letter I couldn’t stop spiraling, and the knowledge that my sister was running basically to her death kept my mind too busy for any genuine rest to happen.

“Miraculously they are on their way back to the airport.”

“They’re coming home?” I hadn’t dared hope.

“They are. Alice wasn’t able to go into much detail, but they got there in time to stop Edward. They just had to wait for the sun to go down before they could leave to catch a flight.” I could hear the relief in his voice. I wanted to hold him.

“They’re really alive.” I didn’t like how broken I still sounded.

“Yes. Alice said she’d explain exactly what happened once they were home. I’m… I’m going to meet them at the airport. I have to see them.” His resolve was breaking, even over the phone I could feel the hesitation. “I could swing by and pick you up before I go, If you wanted to be there as well.”

Every voice in my head was screaming at me to say yes. I wanted a quiet hour with him. I needed to see Bella to really know she was alive, but still I said “I think I should stay with my Dad. He’s pretty bent out of shape.” I could hear him impatiently flipping through the tv channels trying to find something to distract himself.

“I understand. Family is a powerful thing.” He was quiet for another moment. I wished I knew what he was thinking, or that I could get on the other side of this to be able to comfort him somehow. He started again “Y/n… Is there anything I can do?”

“Oh…” I was sure there were things he could do, I just didn’t know what. I didn’t know how to do any of this. “I read your letter.” The words came out before I could stop them.

“You did?”

“I’m not mad at you… Well, I am but I’m not. God, Carlisle, I don’t know how to do any of this.” I put my free hand to my face and laughed. “I’m sorry…”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I can’t imagine what I put you through. I just wish I knew of a way to make things easier for you.”

“I know. Thank you for trying… Thank you for coming back.” I was crying again.

“Of course.” Then he just let me cry. And I cried for a while .

It was so comforting to know that he just stayed on the phone and let me cry. Slowly I ran out of tears.

“I’m… sorry. That was kinda a lot.” I chuckled.

“You’re perfectly fine.” He was soft and understanding and he chuckled under his breath. “You can take all the time you need.”

I nodded, though I knew he couldn’t see me. I peaked out my window and saw nothing but trees and rain. I tried to think of what to say, but I still came up short. I could hear Dad pacing downstairs and I didn’t know what to say to him either. I sighed. “I hate this…”

“I know. I wish I could make this right again. I wish I knew how.”

I was silent for another moment. “When Bella is home, and some of the dust settles, I’ll come over and we can work on this… Together.”

“Together.” I knew he was smiling. It made me smile too. 

We said our goodbyes. I layed back down on my bed and bit my lip. Sure, I needed to see Bella. I needed to see all of them home, with no intention of leaving again. I needed this to feel real.

We had a lot to work through, but after that, I think I could heal.

There was also a large part of me that didn’t want to wait.

I stalled most of the morning away. I showered, I even tried to write some, but I gave up eventually and drifted downstairs. Dad had his uniform on and he had made himself a very simple breakfast. He was eating like he planned on bolting as soon as he finished.

“Morning, kid.” He said when he noticed me, though it was a little delayed. I blamed it on the constant worry. On the off chance something happened, I hadn’t told him Bella was on her way yet.

“Morning, Dad. I didn’t know you were going back to work today.”

“Yeah, it hasn’t done me any good just sitting here.” I nodded and wrote ‘impatience’ on my arm. I understood what he was feeling; we had been here before. Last time I just didn’t know what danger lingered behind the scenes. His voice interrupted my train of thought. “Should… should I file a missing persons report?”

“No.” I answered too quickly. His head snapped up. “I just mean… She’s 18, and she hasn’t been gone that long. She left a note. I don’t know what anyone would be able to do.” I hoped I hadn’t raised his suspicion too much.

But he nodded and my heart settled a bit. “I know. It's driving me crazy not hearing anything from her at all. And Renee keeps calling for updates I don’t have.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “Maybe she’ll call soon.” I absolutely hated this.

He let out a short humorless laugh, “Maybe.” He kissed my head and moved away from me to put his plate in the sink. Then he headed for the door, “You’ll be okay for dinner and stuff?” I nodded again, though I didn’t think he expected me to say no. He didn’t even look up as he gathered his things. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Dad…” As soon as I got it out, I heard the door shut behind him and I was alone with my thoughts again.

I went upstairs to look up how long a flight from Italy to Sea-Tac would take.

~~

Dad got home close to 8pm. He didn’t seem like he was up for talking. He grabbed a beer and turned on the game. He was asleep in the recliner before I was even all the way down the stairs. 

If I had guessed correctly, the soonest and quickest flight would put them in Seattle by 1am. Of course I had no way of knowing what flight they caught. Just because I heard they were catching a flight around 11am doesn’t mean the flight itself was right then. Due to my own stubbornness, I hadn’t asked Carlisle about it or connecting flights.

I was losing my mind a little bit more each passing hour. I checked my watch 1000 times. I made sure my watch matched the clock in the kitchen, they didn’t. I fixed my watch to match the kitchen, then checked my phone to find both the clock and my watch were wrong now.

I gave up and stormed into the living room, hoping some cheesy sit-com would help pass the time. 

When I finally let myself check the time on my phone again, it was almost 10pm. Immediately I panicked and dialed his number. I didn’t think it through, I just listened to it ring. 

It only got through half a ring before he answered. “Y/n?” I could tell he was concerned. 

Dad was still snoring in the recliner. I whispered, “Have you left yet? For the airport I mean?” I crossed my fingers.

“The others have. I was about to. Are you okay, did something happen?” The others? I didn’t let it trip me up. I’d worry about that later.

I took a deep breath, “No, I’m fine.” I just had to find the courage to ask him. “Could you… Could you still come pick me up?”

“Absolutely, I’ll be there in ten minutes and we’ll go straight to the airport.” he almost sounded excited. I couldn’t help but get excited too.

“Okay. Oh uhm, my dad is asleep in the living room so don’t pull into the driveway. Your headlights might wake him up.” 

He chuckled softly at that, “Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay…” I wanted to say I loved him but I couldn’t bring the words out. “Uhm… bye.”

I heard him laugh again and say goodbye before I hung up the phone. I quickly tiptoed upstairs, put something better than my pj’s on and went back down. I found a receipt on the dinner table and wrote a quick note to Dad, just in case he woke up while I was gone. 

      Dad, 

If you wake up before I’m back, I’m sorry. I went with Carlisle to pick up Bella from the airport in Seattle.

Brightside! Bella’s coming home!

You can be mad at me when I get back for not waking you up.

I’m sorry again. I’ll see you soon

                                                      ~ Y/n

I grabbed a pair of shoes and left as quickly as I could, locking the door behind me.I sat on the first step and put my shoes on. As soon as they were securely on my feet, I saw his shiny black Mercedes. I watched as he got out and went to open the passenger door for me. I allowed myself to run to him.

Somehow I think I startled him but he still caught me as I threw myself into his arms. I felt his face in the crook of my neck. I felt him breathe me in. 

I whispered, “Thank you. For coming home and for always planning to. Thank you for giving me the chance to choose. I still need time. I can’t just move on. But I want to and I love you and-” I was talking too fast, I don’t know if he understood me, but he chuckled against me.

“It’s alright, Cara. I love you. I’ll give you all the time you need and I’ll be right here with you.”

He didn’t push me for more or try to kiss me. He just held me for a long moment. “Okay,” It took a lot of effort to pull away from him. “I hate to ruin the moment, but we have some mello-dramatic teenagers to pick up.”

The sentiment made him really begin to laugh. “That we do.”

I got into the car and he slid in behind the wheel. I took a deep breath as we pulled onto the road and headed for Seattle.

~~

We drove in silence for a long time. The car held plenty of gas and I made sure to use the bathroom before leaving. We wouldn’t need to stop. Which worked in my favor, considering I didn’t think I could let go of his hand even if I had to. I would just worry about that when we got to the airport.

He broke the silence first. “What made you decide to come along?”

“Dad was already asleep, he didn’t seem like he wanted comfort when he was awake anyway… and I didn’t think I could wait until 4am to see Bella.” I debated saying the next part; a small part of me screamed not to. I wanted to be open and honest with him again. I wanted to trust him. “I also find your presence rather comforting. I missed it.”

Something like hope flashed across his features. “I missed you, Cara.” he gave my hand a light squeeze, before he focused back on the road.

I hadn’t missed what he had called me, then or anytime he did. It pulled at certain heart strings that before 3 days ago, I thought were gone completely. He had called me the Italian term of endearment pretty regularly before he’d left. Even now, my heart skipped a beat to hear him say it.

It still felt surreal to be there, in his car, holding his hand. I let the moment surround me; for once embracing the silence. I closed my eyes, listened to the rain hitting the car and just allowed myself to exist with him.

We reached the Sea-Tac airport in record time, not that that was a surprise at all. I avoided looking at the speedometer. Carlisle parked the car in the first spot he could find. He moved to get out of the car, but I pulled his hand.

He looked concerned, “Y/n? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… I just needed one more second.” I didn’t want to admit that I was scared to let go of his hand or to go in there and see his whole family again. He nodded as my heart pounded in my chest. I took a few steadying breaths and looked at his face.

“Are you ready?” I thought about it, I was ready to see Bella. I didn't know how ready I was for the rest of it, but it had to be okay.

I nodded, despite everything.

He smiled softly at me and said, “Then I’ll be around to get your door.” I let go of his hand only after the promise that he’d be right back. If he saw through me, he didn’t let on. He was gone, but moments later my door opened and his hand found mine again. As we walked I pulled close to him.

It did not look like it had just passed one in the morning. Though it didn’t take us long to find Jasper. I half expected Rosalie and Emmett to be there too, but as if he was the one who could read minds, Jasper said “Rose and Emmett are bringing Edwards car closer. They didn’t want to crowd them.

When I nodded he continued, “Y/n, I want to apologize for my actions last September-”

“Jasper-” I tried but Carlisle squeezed my hand. I let him finish.

“I know, just hear me out. Over the last few days I have prepared for the worst and have missed Alice with every breath. I can only imagine what these last few weeks have been like for you. I’m truly sorry that my lack of control not only put you and your sister in danger, but also caused months of torment.”

I didn’t fault him. I wasn’t mad at him. It never even crossed my mind that I should be, yet I found myself nodding as I thanked him for the apology anyway.

“Have you heard from them yet?” Carlisle asked

Jasper shook his head, “Their plane hasn’t landed yet but should be here within the next ten minutes or so.”

We all fell quiet as we waited. I pulled my hand away from Carlisle’s only to write the words ‘busy airport at 1am’ on my arm. He looked confused, but didn’t ask me, he was probably saving the questions for later. As soon as the pen was capped and back in my pocket, I relocked my fingers with his.

I saw Alice first. The air left my lungs again as she practically skipped straight to Jasper. Both of their hands met and neither of them spoke loud enough for me to hear. I quickly looked away to give them privacy. 

And then I saw Bella and I ran to her. I slowed before I reached her, not wanting to tackle her to the ground, but I hugged her the best I could. I started crying immediately.

“Oh Bella, honey. I’m so glad you’re alright.” The sound was muffled by her shoulder. She hugged me back just as fiercely, though Edward was the one supporting most of her weight. Then I moved to hug Edward, while screaming in my head ‘ I’m so glad you’re alive. If you ever pull some shit like this again, I will kick your ass; Vampire or not.’

He grinned, repentant. “Sorry, Y/n”

The tightness in my chest eased slightly. Despite everything, I was still happy to see him. Still very mad about everything, but happy to see him. Carlisle stepped forward and his hand found mine again. I think he needed it as much as I needed his. 

“Thank you, Bella,” Carlisle said. “We owe you one.”

“Hardly.” Bella mumbled. It broke my heart to see how tired she was.

“We should head home.” I hoped dad was still asleep. Maybe we could even sneak her in without waking him up and we could handle the situation tomorrow sometime. 

We drifted wordlessly back out of the airport and to the cars in the garage. Bella perked up at the sight of Rosalie and Emmett. Edward stiffened.

From beside me, Carlisle whispered, “Don’t. She feels awful.”

“She should,” Edward said, definitely not in a whisper.

“It’s not her fault,” my brow furrowed as I looked at my sister. I was kinda shocked she felt that way, though I didn’t necessarily disagree.

“Let her make amends,” Carlisle pleaded. “Alice and Jasper can ride with us.” I nodded when he looked at me for confirmation. I didn’t point out that someone would have to ride with us, or that I’d prefer it be Edward and Bella. I just let them make the decisions here.

“Please, Edward,” Bella said. She didn’t seem all that excited either, but that could have been the exhaustion talking.

I hugged her again, quickly. “I’ll see you at home.” She nodded and Edward helped her to the car. I didn’t envy that car ride. I also wasn’t excited for ours either. The deja vu wasn’t lost on me. All of the panic, and the drive to the airport felt exactly like it had last time. I still had so many questions I wanted answers to.

Jasper held open the back door for Alice and she pressed a quick kiss to his lips before getting in. I did envy that, however. I couldn’t kiss Carlisle again, at least not yet. None of this felt real enough to allow myself to kiss him. I was still so scared he would disappear. He did open my door for me, but he didn’t expect me to kiss him. He respected and understood my boundaries.

As we pulled out of the parking garage, Carlisle gentilly grabbed my hand again. “Alice,” He started.

“Yes?”

“Could you please explain what happened?” His eyes met hers in the rearview mirror.

“Of course.” Her voice still sounded like a song.

“Please start from the very beginning.” I took a deep breath and she began.

~~

The explanation took the entire drive home and though it wasn’t exactly what we wanted to hear, it was nice to understand the situation better. I was grateful for the knowledge. 

In essence, the Volturi demanded that Bella became a vampire. Bella was, of course, ready to jump into immortality right away. And, because Aro had read both Alice’s and Edward’s thoughts, they knew about me too. I got the exact same ultimatum. Become a vampire or die. I tried to quell the panic rising in my throat. Alice would see when they decided to follow through with their threat. I still had time. 

I would have chosen it before they left anyway.

The car was quiet after Alice told us about the flight home. We were almost to my house. I was still trying not to panic but I managed to force the wor ds out. “So, you guys are back? Like… really back?” I could see my street coming up. “Because I missed you and when you left, it hurt and I can’t do it again. I… I can’t watch Bella hurt like that again. If the Volturi are after her and she dies-”

“ Mon coeur ,” Carlisle’s voice pulled my focus. His hands moved to cup my cheeks. The car was idling on the street in front of my house, the headlights were off. “I’m here.”

“I know but-” I was losing it and he could tell. He just tried to bring my focus to him.

“I won’t go anywhere, unless you want me to go.”

I looked into his eyes and found comfort in the sincerity there. “I-I don’t.”

“Then I won’t.” I wanted to kiss him again. My heartbeat slowed and I found it in me to produce the smallest smile.

“Oh no.” Alice winced and my heart rate shot back up. I saw Edward and Bella pull into the driveway; their headlights were also off. “Charlies awake.”

“Fuck…” That made Carlisle and the others laugh. “You guys have to go. This is going to be hard enough without him shooting at you.” I swung my door open and undid my seat belt but before I got out, I turned back to him. 

I had to trust him. I needed to get it out of the way. If I did it now, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it later. Quickly I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. It was a very small kiss, but it gave me more courage than I would have been able to muster on my own. 

“I love you.” I saw the porch light turn on and Dad swung the door open. I got out of the car.

“I love you.” I heard Carlisle say through a laugh. He waited until I was close to Edwards car before he turned the headlights back on and drove off.

“Y/F/N SWAN!? Where the hell have you been? Who was that?” He was clearly very angry and didn’t read my note at all, but before I could answer his eye moved from me to the car next to me. “Isabella!?” He almost looked relieved.

But then he just looked absolutely pissed.

“You should go,” I whispered to Edward as he lifted Bella into his arms.

“It will be fine.” I don’t know how he sounded so confident.

“I can’t believe you have the nerve to show your face here.” Dad marched closer to us. I wanted to beg him to calm down, but I knew engaging would make things worse.

Bella didn’t seem to care so much. “Stop it, Dad.” though I doubt that he heard her.

“What’s wrong with her?” I didn’t know if he meant mentally or physically. 

“She’s just very tired, Charlie,” Edward assured him under his breath. “Please let her rest.” I winced.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Dad yelled. “Give her to me. Get your hands off of her.”

“Dad-” I hated how rude he was being, though I could hardly blame him. He was taking this too far. Edward did try to hand Bella off but she wouldn’t let him go.

“Cut it out, Dad.” She said with more volume. She wasn’t going to let Edward out of her sight anytime soon. “Be mad at me. ” 

We made it up the front steps. Bella looked at the sky, but it was still dark and the clouds blocked any light that might have been there this early.

“You bet I will be,  I’m pissed at both of you.” His glare came to me, I tried to smile sheepishly, but it didn’t land. “Get inside.”

“Kay. Let me down.” Bella sighed.

Once he had set her down, she lost her balance and nearly toppled over. Edward caught her before it was too late.

“Just let me get her upstairs, then I’ll leave.”

“No,” Bella cried. I could tell she was panicking, but I knew he’d just sneak back in the second Dad was out of earshot. I grabbed his arm as they drifted upstairs. He was only gone a second before Edward came back downstairs. Dad didn’t look up from where I had placed hand on his arm. 

I could tell how mad he was. I could feel him shaking. I felt guilty somehow.

Edward paused, like he was going to say something. Dad didn’t let him try. “Get out.”

“Dad-”

“Sir-”

“No, this is my house. I make the rules. You don’t get to waltz in here and pretend nothing happened. In fact I won’t let you. If you step in a single foot through that door again-”

“Dad! Seriously? I’m sure he gets it.” Dad scoffed, “Edward, go.”

He left without another word.

“So, you’re on their side?” It was my turn to scoff.

“There aren't any sides, Dad… I don’t want to do this tonight. I just drove to Seattle and back. Can you hate me tomorrow?” I dropped my hand back to my side. I didn’t even have it in me to cry at that point. I started up the stairs.

“I don’t hate you, Y/n. I just don’t understand-”

“Great, and we can figure that out in the morning.” I didn’t look at him again. I just kept moving towards my room. “Love you, Dad.”

I barely heard him mumble he loved me too before I shut the door behind me.

~~

Bella slept the whole day away, I spent my time locked in my room, and Dad grumbled his way around the house until he went to work. When he got home, he grumbled some more and then also shut himself in his room. 

I tried not to let it bother me.

I decided to give him some time to calm down before I went to Carlisle’s house. My house? Now that they were back, was it still mine? Not that I ever really wanted it in the first place. I wasn’t sure how I’d even address that situation.

I shook my head and tried to focus. If I left now, Dad would follow. Probably armed…

Everything was proving much more difficult than I had ever wanted it to be. Even almost a full day later, I still could hardly process it. I couldn’t even get my brain to turn off long enough for me to sleep.

I kept turning over and staring at the ceiling. I’d gotten up and stared out the window, tried counting sheep and making up stories in my head to try to distract myself. Not a single thing helped at all. So I gave up and sat on the floor by the window and listened to the rain for a while until I heard a soft knock on my door.

“Y/n?” Bella poked her head in, clearly checking to see if I was awake. “I’m going over to the Cullens’ house, could you come with me?”

“Right now?” It was well past midnight; closer to sunrise than sunset. She nodded. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, Edward will take me. I just need your input on something.”

“Oh… Uh, sure.” I tried to act like this wasn’t completely bizarre.

She smiled widely, “Good! No time to waste.” She grabbed my wrist and pulled me up from the floor. “Let’s go! Chop, chop.”

She only gave me a few minutes to change before she hurried me out the front door. I’m sure she only waited a second before Edward was back to run her to his house. Physically run, because we didn’t want him to bring his car to the street. Dad had eyes everywhere. They were smart enough to know at least that.

It didn’t matter that I drove a bit over the speed limit. They still made it there before me, and were full on making out when I got there. I never thought Bella would need to move on. She didn’t see things the way I did. She was never really mad at them. The whole time, she would have done anything to bring them back. I wasn’t even a little surprised that she could be so okay now. 

I don’t think they noticed I had pulled in. They talked amongst themselves for a few more moments before Edward pulled her through the door. I hesitated, getting out of the car slowly and moving toward them. I saw Bella turn and wave me in. I took a deep breath and followed.

I heard Carlisle before I saw him and my heart fluttered in my chest. “-this is not a purely a social visit?”

Bella nodded. “I’d like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important.”

Carlisle and Edward shared a look. I wondered what he was thinking. Edward just looked a bit critical.

“Of course. Why don’t we talk in the other room?” Carlisle suggested. I didn’t make a sound. I hadn’t made a sound the whole time and I don’t think they noticed I had come in because when Bella turned to tell me to follow, both men sharply looked in my direction.

“Y/n…” Carlisle basically breathed my name and his face softly slightly. I practically skipped to grab his hand. His fingers interlocked with mine as he led us into the very unused dining room. “I didn’t think I’d have the pleasure of seeing you this soon.” He whispered.

I knew the other could hear us, but it still felt intimate somehow. Like it was just the two of us. Feeling his cool breath on my ear made it hard to not blush.

“Bella… Can be stubborn.” I laughed. “I don’t have any idea what this is about.” His hand tightened on mine, but he still seemed calm.

I noticed as we walked how clean the house was. Nothing was dusty. The sheets were gone. It was like they never left. It bothered me more than I thought it would. I knew they’d be back, but I just didn’t want to pretend nothing had happened.

The others filtered in the room. They all picked spots at the table like this was a perfectly normal thing to do. Everyone was smiling, even Rose. Which was new and so odd. Carlisle pulled the chair next to him out for me and Bella sat on my other side. Edward sat on the other side of her.

Carlisle nodded toward Bella, “The floor is yours.”

“Well,” She bit her lip before continuing. “I’m hoping Alice told you everything that happened in Volterra?”

“Everything,” Alice assured.

Bella looked grateful, quickly glancing at me. I nodded. “And on the way?”

“That too,” she nodded.

“Good, so we’re all on the same page.”

That’s what this was about. I felt silly for not guessing before. They’d talked about turning Bella and now she was trying to cash in. She had made up her mind and she wasn’t going to wait. Despite the fact that she had a thousand reasons to wait.

We both did.

“So, I have a problem,” she began. “Alice promised the Volturi that Y/n and I would be like you.  I know they are going to send someone to check on us, and I’m sure that would be very bad- something we’d want to stop.

“And so, now, this involves you all. I’m sorry about that.”  She looked around the table. I couldn’t bring myself to meet her gaze. My eyes dropped to where Carlisle’s hand held mine. “But, if you don’t want me, or us… then I’m not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not.”

Someone must have tried to add something, but Bella cut them off. “Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don’t want me, then… I guess I’ll go back to Italy alone. I can’t have them coming here.”

I forced myself to make eye contact with her. Her face looked riddled with grief. She met my gaze and I shook my head once. A single tear rolled down her cheek when she caught on to the words I wouldn’t say.

‘Not alone.’

I think Edward growled. We just ignored him.

“Taking into account, then, that we won’t put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire.  Just me. Y/n can decide whenever she’s ready.”

“Thanks…” I barely mumbled. I was not ready to decide anything. I wanted to at least talk to Carlisle about everything first.

Bella gestured to Carlisle for him to begin, but Edward caught on too quickly. “Just a minute. I have something to add, before we vote.” I had to laugh. I wanted to hit my face on the table. “About the danger Bella’s referring to. I don’t think we need to be overly anxious,”  He nearly grinned, like he had been waiting to throw this into the gauntlet. “You see, there was more than one reason why I didn’t want to shake Aro’s hand there at the end. There’s something they didn’t think of, and I didn’t want to clue them in.”

“Which was?” Alice prodded.

“The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it’s  not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?”

Bella shuddered, clearly she did. I had to try to remember which one he was. I got stuck between the tracker one and the twin to Jane.

“He finds people- that’s his talent,” He answered for me. “That's why they keep him.

“Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri’s talent works. He’s a tracker- a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the… flavor?”

“Eww?” I’m sure the disgust was painted on my face. Carlisle chuckled.

“I don’t know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone’s mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances.

But after Aro’s little experiments, well…” Edward shrugged.

“You think he won’t be able to find me,” Bella said flatly.

I could tell how smug he was. “I’m sure of it. I don’t think he’d even be able to track Y/n. He hasn’t met her, and we could easily keep it that way. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn’t work on either of you, they’ll all be blind.”

“That doesn’t mean he couldn’t track me, I’m not like Bella.” I tried.

Surprisingly, Emmett added “Not exactly, but there’s something similar. We’ve all noticed it. I know you have too. You can walk into a room of vampires and not a single one of us will notice you. There has to be something to that.” 

“We don’t know that for sure,” Carlisle mumbled, his grip tightening ever so softly 

“Exactly! So How does that solve anything?” Bella asked.

“Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they’re planning a visit, and we’ll hide you. They’ll be helpless. It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!”

He and Emmett exchanged a glance and a smirk.

“But they can find you,” Bella reminded him.

“And I can take care of myself.”

“Oh my god…” I placed my forehead on the table. Why was Edward being so dense? I was nearly shaking and the only thing keeping me grounded was Carlisle hand on mine. Clearly I wasn’t the only one with a problem because just about everyone else was very against Edwards plan. Except Emmett and Jasper, who continued to encourage him.

Bella wasn’t letting up. “All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let’s vote.” Her voice was still so calm and collected, I wanted to vomit. She looked to Edward. “Do you want me to join your family?”

His eyes were jet black. I wondered how long they had been that way. “Not that way. You’re staying human.” I almost laughed.

Bella nodded once and moved on. “Alice?”

“Yes.” She said it like it was easy.

“Jasper?”

“Yes.” I winced and just kept my eyes closed. I used my free hand to hold my head up; bracing my palm on my forehead and my elbow on the table.

Bella pressed on, “Rosalie?”

“No,” Thank god… “Let me explain. I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister, it's just that… this isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me.”

It was my turn to squeeze Carlisle’s hand. Though, I knew it wouldn’t do much to ease the overwhelming guilt he felt. I just wanted to remind him I was there.

But, somehow Bella accepted her reasoning. “Emmett?”

“Hell, yes!” he grinned. “We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri.” I had to bite my finger to keep from screaming.

I felt Bella’s eyes on me, Then Carlisle’s. I huffed out a humorless laugh and shook my head. “Oh, I get a vote?”

“Of course, Y/n. This is about you too.” Bella’s voice was soft. I could already tell she regretted saying that. 

I was going to make that regret so much worse. I laughed. “I think you’re clueless. I think every one of you who voted yes, is clueless.

“Lets not forget, Bella, that a week ago, none of them were here.” I watched several of them wince. “These same people decided six months ago that we would be better off without them. And now you’re just so ready to strap into a literal forever with them. It’s insane, actually.” I let out a shaky breath.

“I know that I am grossly outnumbered and I’m not saying never,” Edward growled, I rolled my eyes. “You’re gonna have to live with it Eddy boy, it’s been decided and you know it. But can we give it some fucking time? Maybe circle back in a couple months, a year?”

Bella’s sharp eyes never left mine, “No. We’re deciding now. Final opinion?”

“For right this very second? No. I don’t think you should be a vampire.”

“Great. Thanks. Carlisle?”

His eyes were on Edward. I watched Bella start to panic. I knew better, I knew where his vote lay; I dropped his hand. He had the deciding vote, there were three yes’s and three no’s. 

“Edward,” he said.

“No.”

“It’s the only way that makes sense.” Carlisle insisted. “You’ve chosen not to live without her, and that doesn’t leave me much of a choice” Edward stalked out of the room. “I guess you know my vote.” he sighed.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them, though I could feel his eyes on me. I was still shaking. There was an ear splitting crash from the other room that made me jump and definitely didn’t help my nerves.

Bella spoke quietly, “That’s all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you.” 

A hush washed over the room, Alice moved to hug Bella. I closed my eyes and waited for a good point to leave. 

“Well, Alice. Where do you want to do this?” I didn’t even have time to react.

“No! No! NO!” Edward roared charging back into the room. “Are you insane?”

“Clearly…” I mumbled under my breath.

“Have you utterly lost your mind?”

“Uhm, Bella. I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’ll need to prepare…” I rolled my eyes.

“You promised,” Bella added, sounding like a whiny child.

I tried to tune them out. I focused on the sound my nail made when I tapped it on the table while they debated which one of them got to bite my sister tonight. The more Bella spoke the more muffled she got, like Edward was doing everything to get her to stop talking.

Bella wasn’t going to give up. I couldn’t take it. I pressed my palms against the wood of the table and left. I didn’t say a word. I felt Carlisle’s soft golden eyes follow me out of the room, but he made no effort to stop me. Not that he could if he tried.

I practically sobbed as I sat down on the front porch, the door slamming behind me. I didn’t make a sound- couldn’t. I sat there and let the cold air wrap itself around me and cried. I didn’t know how or when I would be able to go back inside. 

I listened to the crickets. I saw the sun peaking over the tree, just barely shining through the thick clouds. I didn’t cry for very long, I didn’t really have it in me. I just needed to leave the room and allow myself time to pull myself together. 

When the front door opened again, I never expected Alice to step out, but then she was sitting next to me.

“They went home… She agreed to wait at least until graduation. But the decision of when exactly hasn’t been made yet.”

I laughed, “Sure seems like it has.”

“Edward won’t do it so soon. He also won’t let anyone else do it.” She rolled her eyes, but was still so delicate with me. “There’s no set time line. She will be one of us, but it doesn’t have to be right now. Even when we were gone the vision of Bella never changed. We’ve just been delaying the inevitable.

“My visions have been wrong before. The future changes constantly. Edward and I agreed that if we left she would eventually move on, and be so much safer. But it never changed and I saw her jump off the cliff and…” Her voice trailed off. I think if she could cry she would have been. “Oh, Y/n… I’m so sorry. I wish I could change the way I handled things. I wish I could save you from all of this hurt.”

I let her hug me. I even pressed into her. 

I didn’t want to be mad anymore. More than anything, I wanted things to be normal. Or at least as close to normal as the Cullens could manage.

I looked to find Carlisle leaning against the porch railing. I didn’t know when he had come out, but I was thankful for his presence. Alice pulled away from me as I locked eyes with him. I tried to convince myself he was really there.

From the doorway behind me, Jasper spoke. “We’ll give you guys some privacy,” He said it kind of loud. Much louder than he needed to for just me to hear. I wondered how much privacy we were being given.

My eyes never left Carlisle’s. Alice and Jasper disappeared into the house and I stood up. He moved towards me. 

“I understand if you're mad at me…”

I kept my eyes on his face but said nothing.

“I won’t lose my son.”

“I know… I didn’t expect you to vote no. It’s okay.” I wasn’t going to blame him for Bella’s impulsive and reckless decisions. He just wanted to protect his family.

“There’s still time, Cara.” His cool hand pressed against my cheek, whipping away any remaining tears. Somehow it was more comforting coming from him.

I nodded. “I can’t make the same choice she has…”

“I would never ask you to.”

“At least not- not right now.” I leaned into his touch. “I always planned on being like you at some point.” His brow furrowed. I took a deep breath.

“Before you left, I knew that this was the life I wanted. I was always going to choose you and your family. I accepted that that meant I had to be like you, at some point.” I chuckled softly at the confusion on his face and continued. “I had a plan and everything. All I wanted was five human years. To love you, to see more of the world with you. Once the kids had settled and everything didn’t feel like it was out to get us, I would have asked you to turn me on some romantic getaway in Barcelona or Paris. Honestly, anywhere as long as it was miles and miles away from the people I love. I don’t want to be a danger to them...” A delicate smile started to form on his lips. He wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me closer to him. 

“We could still have that, if you still want it. The Volturi won’t think to check in on us for a while. It could be more than 30 years before we hear from them again, and Alice will see when they decide. You could be well into your fifties-”

I faked a gag. “Let’s not go that far.” I smiled up at him, “I just want more time with you.”

“That can be arranged.” I raised an eyebrow. “Stay with me tonight.”

“My Dad might actually kill us.” 

“Then tell him where you are and he won’t feel the need to come looking. You’re an adult. He can’t ground you.” He held my chin between his finger and his thumb. “Stay with me.”

I nodded and he kissed me. 

For the first time, all of this felt real again. Yes, he did leave, but he never really wanted to. He had spent months wanting to hear from me just as much as I wanted to hear from him. And he came back. He was here now. 

Because he came back. Because he never wanted to leave. 

I melted into his kiss. His hand pushed my hair off of my face. Before long, I was dizzy and probably would have fallen over if he wasn’t supporting me.

He pulled away first and my forehead fell against his chest. It felt so easy to laugh again.

“If I don’t text him now I’m going to forget and he really will show up this time. I think he’s just looking for a reason anyway.” Carlisle chuckled and handed me my phone, though I didn’t know when he got it. I typed up a very short message and hit send before I could think better of it. I turned the volume off and slid the phone into my back pocket. I looked back at his face.

“I love you.” My voice already sounded significantly less hollow.

“I love you.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “We’ll take this one day at a time.” I nodded and he smiled again. He swept me off my feet and into his arms. Then we were in his office and I was on my feet again. 

Thankfully his arms never left my waist. The room spun, but it was exactly like I remembered it. “I’m going to have to get used to that again…” He laughed and let me pull him in the direction of the bed. 

The second I was close enough I collapsed into it. Carlisle laid down next to me. I curled myself around him. “I really missed this.” I said, but it was pretty muffled by his chest.

“The bed was here the whole time.”

I leaned up to kiss him quickly and he met me halfway. “But you weren’t” Another quick kiss. “So it doesn’t count.”

I cuddled close to him and he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I felt how heavy my eyelids were, but I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to miss anymore of him.

“Rest, Mon Coeur.”

I shook my head and he looked up to meet my gaze. I knew he’d still be here when I woke up. He’d be here and we’d take it day by day. But I wasn’t giving in just yet. I kissed him again and we kissed until I could no longer keep my head up. 

I laid my head on his chest. He brushed my hair with his fingers.

And for the first time since Bella’s birthday, I really slept.

I slept in much later than I usually could, and he was still there when I woke up. I soaked up some of the sunshine pouring in from the windows. I didn’t want to move and disturb the peace. I was laying on my side facing him, and he held my hand in the middle of the bed. 

It felt like the best kind of deja vu.

“Good morning, Beautiful.”

“G’morning, love” I reached up and touched his face. “I’m really glad you’re real.”

He laughed softly. “This is very real.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead but then he winced. Which is never a good thing. “Sadly, so are the messages from your Father.”

I sighed heavily and buried my face into the pillows. I still opened my hand and he gave me my phone. I only had 3 messages and 2 missed calls. Which was better than last time. The messages were angry but not threatening. He wasn’t coming after me.

As an adult, I made the choice to lock my phone without answering him. He’d get over it. I looked back at Carlisle, who had his eyebrows raised in suspicion. 

I shrugged, “He’s being a baby. He’ll be fine.” His expression didn’t change but he started to laugh. “He’s not going to come here. It’s fine.” I swore.

“Okay, okay.” He put up hand and let his face soften. “I trust your judgment.”

“You should.” I laughed and he pressed his lips to mine briefly.

He pulled back and grinned, “I made coffee.”

I gasped “Really?!” He sat up and I followed him. He grabbed the mug from the bedside table. “All is forgiven.” 

He threw his head back as he laughed. “If I’d known it was that easy-”

“Okay! Maybe not everything. But it’s definitely a step in the right direction.” I took a drink of the coffee and it was perfect, just the way I liked it. My heart skipped a beat.

He smiled at me and took my free hand. “I have to ask…” His free hand traced the fading words on my arm. “What are these?”

I felt how red my face got. “Well, I found it really hard to write while you were gone. And I started writing poetry, because my dad called me out on not writing. And I went to a poetry workshop because he said I don’t get out enough. Which was fair. I left the house like ten whole times for the first few months.” He winched. “That’s not the point. Anyway, I didn’t learn anything and all I picked up was writing little things you see on your arm so you can then turn it into poetry…” I rambled but I think he understood the gist of it.

“When do I get to read this poetry of yours?” He smirked.

“Never. When I’m dead? It’s bad, like really bad. And sad. And existential because you were gone… I don’t want it to hurt you.” I tried.

His smile softened and he touched my face. “I still want to read it at some point, but we’ll take it day by day.”

I nodded, “It’s not really up for debate, but maybe I could be convinced….”

“You’ll find, I can be very persuasive.” He winked at me and I melted.

I barely had enough time to set the cup back on the table before I crashed my lips into his.

~~

I cringed when I got home and Dad was still there. I had tried to wait long enough for him to have left for work. When I walked into the house I could hear him angrily doing the dishes. He didn’t even turn when I walked in. 

At least he was wearing his uniform. He had to leave soon.

“Bella’s in the shower.” He pulled the plug from the sink and let the water drain; Somehow even that seemed angry. “I just got done talking to her for the first time in days. Or I guess I should say, I tried to talk to her but she just lectured me. ”

“Well-” I tried

“You know, like I wasn’t here every damn day while she suffered. And I’m now supposed to accept that they’re back and that everything is okay.”

“It’s not-”

“Even you are just welcoming them back. After they hurt Bella like that. I just don’t understand how you can pretend nothing happened. It’s like no one cares how Bella-”

That did it. “Oh It’s very clear how much you care about how Bella feels, Dad.” I couldn’t fight back the tears, but the anger in my voice made him finally look at me. “I got hurt too… You’ve spent this whole time worried about Bella and you’ve hardly asked about me at all.”

“Y/n-”

“No,” I cut him off. I really was crying at that point. “Of course I worry about Bella. I hated how much she hurt-”

“They did that to her!” He almost shouted.

I stood my ground. “Carlisle got a job!” It was easy to lie for them now that they were back. “That happens. And he took his kids because what other choice did he have, Dad? They- fuck… They did what they thought was right and they came back when they realized it wasn’t.

“Did they go about it the wrong way? Absolutely. Did it tear Bella and me apart for literal months? Yup, sure did. But they aren’t criminals. They couldn’t have known how hard Bella took it.” My voice started to shake. I wanted to curl up and sleep. “How could they have known how dramatic Bella would be?”

“They should have tried to call or something, instead of just abandoning her.” I let out a humorless laugh and he added, “and you, Y/n. I know this is about you too. I saw how bad you were hurting too. Which is honestly why I’m so surprised you’re just pretending nothing happened.”

“Oh my god! No one is doing that. Carlisle is very aware of how I feel about the situation. Edward is riddled with guilt over all of it.” I sighed really trying to not be mad; He was making it very hard.

“Well I’m not going to sit by and let them hurt you again.”

I wanted to scream but I held back and mumbled, “It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall… Look, Dad, you can be angry and treat us like children if it helps you, but I see through it.”

I’d never spoken to him like this before, but he needed to hear it. I took a deep breath, let my voice soften, and looked him in the eyes. “I know you’ve been in our shoes before and I saw how hard it was on you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to experience that and then have to watch both of your daughters go through the same thing. 

“But I know that the anger and the yelling is just you projecting. Bella and I are not pretending nothing happened. Carlisle and Edward are not pretending nothing happened.” His face softened, I thought I’d gotten through to him; at least a little. “Dad-”

“No you’re right. You’re an adult. Bella is… 18.” He put his hands in his pockets. “I don’t want to watch them hurt you again, but I’m the one in the wrong…”

I think he expected me to disagree, but I just sighed and looked at my feet. “They aren’t going to hurt us again.”

“Sure, Sure”

“You can be mad if you want…”

“Oh, I’m gonna be.”

I laughed. “Okay, Dad.” I tried to smile at him. I nudged his foot with mine and he almost cracked a smile. “You trust me, right?”

“Of course I trust you , it’s them I dont trust.”

“Psht!” I waved a dismissive hand “Who cares about trusting them.” He actually did smile a tiny bit. “Just trust me.”

“I do.”

“Great!” I threw my arms around him and whispered, “I can protect Bella too.”

He sighed and hugged me back. After all the yelling, this hug lifted a weight off my shoulders. “I know.” He leaned back to look at my face while holding my shoulders. “You don’t have to do it alone.”

“I know.” I repeated his words back to him. “Neither do you. Or Bella. We have each other. Even if everyone else leaves…”

“We’ll always have each other.” He hugged me tighter this time resting his chin on my head. “When did you get so mature?”

“I’ve always taken after you.”

He laughed and pulled away. “I’ve got to work. Try to not let Bella jump on a plane to Texas while I’m gone.”

“Oh Texas? No promises. I’ve heard Texas is great this time of year.”

He tried to look annoyed with my sarcasm, but he loved it.

We said our goodbyes and he went to leave. He opened the door and turned and for a split second he looked like he was going to say something more, apologize maybe, but he shook his head softly and left for work. 

He wouldn’t let this go anytime soon.

I decided I wouldn’t let it bother me.

Epilogue <3

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[mozart-the-meerkitten]

Okay so I had an important Wingfeather Saga revelation.

*~*SPOILERS ahead, seriously, don’t read if you haven’t read to the end of book 4, “The Warden and the Wolf King” because the end of the story will be spoiled for you!*~*

Okay so I was thinking about Wingfeather stuff and “My Love has gone Across the Sea” started playing in my head and I’ve always associated that song with Esben and Nia because, well, Leeli sings it to Esben and yeah it seems to fit them.

But then I suddenly realized it fits another couple in the series even better.

Janner and Sara.

“My love has gone across the sea To find a country far and fair He sailed into the gilded west And now my heart will never rest Until my love returns to me Or I set out to find him there”

Janner literally sets out across the sea after leaving Sara in the Fork Factory to go to the Hollows (a country far and fair). And Sara’s heart literally never rests until she sails to Anniera. There’s an entire section in book 4 that’s just Sara wishing things were different and thinking about how things feel wrong being in Skree. So she rounds everybody up and they sail to Anniera, where Janner her love is.

“Through towering wave And shriek of gale I’ll aim my vessel ever west And steer it by the cord that bound My heart to yours until I’m found”

Sara and the others sail through a storm on their way to Anniera! In fact, the storm brings them there faster! And it’s implied that this is the same type of storm that brought the Wingfeathers safely to Skree after Anniera fell and Podo described that storm as, well, yeah, towering waves and shrieking gales.

Also “the cord that bound my heart to yours” so the fact that Janner meets Sara in the Fork Factory and his escape inspires her to help free all those kids... you could say that they have a little red string of fate connecting them. Especially because Sara is often thinking of Janner and Janner thinks of her a fair amount of times during his own adventures.

“And should you find My body pale And wrecked upon The loamy shale Rejoice my love And call me blessed In death my love, I loved you best.”

SARA LITERALLY FINDS JANNER’S BODY WRECKED ON THE SHORES OF ANNIERA. And of course, its not from the waves and storm, but from his sacrifice, but still, finding your boyfriend as a dried out husk on the shores of his homeland?!??

And then the song ends and so does Janner and Sara’s canon relationship. Of course we all know Janner was brought back to life by the water from the First Well but technically Janner and Sara’s relationship ends at the same place the song does. And that- I don’t know if this was intentional or not but it fits SO WELL and I am having FEELINGS about it.

[celestialholz]

ok you already know what TF is going on!!!!

tm 45 venoshock (evil). tm 146 grass pledge (gay). tm 95 leech life (divorce snail). tm 156 outrage (eviler). tm 115 dragon pulse (because if nobody else does it i will).....tm100 dragon dance (🥰). do not feel obligated to do them all these are just a compilation of the concepts we talked abt

Oh Austro, darling. I'm about to murder you in cold blood. ;) A tale in three parts for you, my good pal. The last one of these three was also requested by dear @xfriki26, and the other two here will be under a read more to respect space. Cross-posted to AO3 here as chapters five, six and seven respectively, welcome to a miniature saga of just about every genre going, which we shall begin with by killing y'all stone dead with:

TM115: Dragon Pulse

Beep.

Beep.

Brassius thinks he may be going mad. He’d thought that a multitude of times during his ice-cold, static darkness, but this is a different form of insanity: a hammering, a fractured, desolate, desperate despair.

Beep.

Beep.

He wants the beeping to shut up almost as deeply as he cherishes its rhythm, its sheer brilliance. He could wax artistic lyrical on how fervently he cherishes the machine that affixes his sun to its true orbit at his side, paint it in the yellows and oranges of joy and the purple of dragons for its remarkable cleverness – wide, tender brush-strokes, gentle gratitude poured into every trembling sweep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

How ironic, he muses darkly, that Hassel’s heart should be the thing to fail – that loyal, stalwart, core of sunshine, that is so achingly full of acceptance and understanding and vibrance, that had dragged his beloved back from the depths of the shadows.

Between them, now, they can barely make a decently functioning pulmonary system. The breath of life, the heart of the matter – both irreparably scarred, merely patched over with bandages and craft glue and hope and the most blinding, frantic adoration. They’ve operated upon his love, as though he is a mere tapestry, sown and stitched and patched -

Hassel is not meant to be fixed. He should never be broken in the first place. He’d thought they understood one another very well, after fifteen years together. You stand tall, querido; I fall, me. Not you. Never, ever you, because how am I supposed to -

He chokes back a panicked breath, squeezes dull, greyed eyes closed. He doesn’t have contingency for this – he was never supposed to make any. This isn’t his role. And perhaps that makes him the world’s most selfish bastard, perhaps he’s awful and leech-like and unworthy of such light, but perhaps he’s also saved because he would swap them, swap them every single damn time – you already have my lungs, take my wretched heart as well, it’s better than watching this –

Beep.

Beep.

… He hasn’t even gotten around to asking him to marry him, after all this time. They’d had forever - what was the rush? The gap in Hassel’s family is glaring, he doesn’t want to invoke painful memories of people who would never wish to attend, and they are husbands in all but name nevertheless, promise rings long since sculptured from crystals and worn against their hearts anyway.

He hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected the chance to be possibly lost for all time -

Beep.

Beep.

Gods, how the hell does he deal with this every time it happens in reverse? How many hours has his world watched his own slowly fade away?

“It doesn’t matter,” Hassel had told him once, tears glistening in warm, adoring eyes. “It simply doesn’t matter. You are worth every moment of the agony, darling. You coming back each time is the only thing that counts.”

He tries, physically shaking, to hold such sentiments against his core, because his dragon’s always been entirely right. He is damaged goods too, now – he can empathise, now. And later, when muted sun meets frosty moon once again, all will be harmonious in the celestial sphere. The stars do not lament; they celebrate a joyous reunion, the return of gravity to a uncertain universe, an essential dual orbit.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

His role, flipped, is now to support – to shine himself, to endure, to treasure a recovery Hassel will make. You will make it. I need you. Always have done. And I will look after you, smotheringly, achingly. Oh, you’ll hate it, even though I will see the smile in your beautiful gaze and understand that you love it.

He breathes a quivering laugh, stumbling across his own tongue.

… Well, it is night-time. It’s his shift anyway.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

He clings to his sunshine’s hand as though it’s all that tethers him to the earth, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Come back to me,” he pleads, infinitely soft. “Come back and be my husband, won’t you dearest?”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

TM146: Grass Pledge

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“… Br…”

Brassius snaps awake from a light doze on their fifth night in the hospital, as though bidden by hope alone, to find a weak Hassel staring straight at him. Sunlight stabs at his frozen heart, piercing its outer shell instantly, and he breaks, fragments of ice shattering down around him.

“D-dear,” he whispers, heat pooling immediately in his gaze. “You’re here, you’re back -”

“Mm,” his beloved murmurs, coughing softly. “Just… just about…”

Water is poured by trembling hands, held to lips, tipped up ever so gently even as Hassel blurs before him, rendered briefly invisible by tears and heat and relief and gods, thank you -

"Br..." Hassel clears a now lubricated throat, and Brassius immediately meets his gaze - sunshine swathed by shadows, the darker moments before sunrise. As deeply grateful as he is to see the light, he curses its lack of luminence.

"Yes, my love?"

"... You okay?" He coughs again, and despite the sun's dimness, his concern is clear as day. "You... are too pale."

Brassius stares at him for a second, aghast, before dissolving spontaneously into tearful laughter, exasperation and absolute joy, and he's trembling, and dear heavens, why would it matter what he looks like -

"The sun came back out," he tells him eventually, as a weak hand clings to his as tight as it can, as he's watched with soft worry. "I'd been beginning to think it would never stop raining. I'll... I'll be fine, now."

"Good," Hassel murmurs, reassured; even as his eyes droop closed once more, and a thread of anxiety rushes back up his lover's spine, a gentle thumb runs against his in silent promise. Alright, now. "Wouldn't do... for us both to be old and broken, d-darling."

"You are no such thing," Brassius protests immediately, heart rebelling against the mere thought. "Look at you, querido. Sunshine incarnate."

Hassel murmurs a small laugh, cherishing the water that he's once more offered.

"Funny, you say that," he whispers after a further drink, a wonder held in his gaze. "I only... see one source of light, here."

Even as he's tenderly kissed, even after he drifts back off to much-needed rest, inspiration strikes his beloved, a sparkling of genius.

Oh, you clever, wonderful, miracle of a man. You conductor of moonlight. Where the sun meets the moon...

He makes plans, as he falls asleep himself: gentle, loving, delightful schemes, tears slipping beneath closed lids as he nods off.

/////////////

He prepares quietly, when they get home; sets the stage as Hassel recovers, buys the equipment, purchases the perfect jewellery, bides his time. Doting on his beloved is by far the more pressing matter, and thus it takes him weeks, but eventually...

They finish a homemade casserole lovingly prepared, just as day begins to shift; just as it begins to turn to night, he asks his beloved to head outside with him, into the garden that overlooks the shimmering beauty of the East Paldean Sea.

"My dear, where on earth are we g -"

Hassel stops instantly at the sight before him; at the ring boxes, at the arch strung over with vines and lights, at the strands of green and purple cord that sit between it all, tearful eyes slowly drawing to his nervous partner's.

"Is that...?" he swallows a sob, utterly rapt.

"It is," Brassius confirms, eyes scanning him, gauging his thoughts, reading softly a man he knows the soul of better than his own. "Should you wish it to be, anyway -"

He gets no further for a long minute, damp kisses pressed to his lips, over and over.

"'Should I wish it,'" he repeats, laughing shakily in disbelief. "And at dusk, no less. Where the sun meets the moon, you brilliant, brilliant individual."

Brassius chuckles, similarly breaking. "You'll forgive me my poetry, I'm sure."

"I will forgive you anything, my darling." He chokes down tears, conscious of time, conscious of his lover's artistic vision. He can cry later, and he will - oh, he will. He doubts he'll stop for hours.

"So, you will, then -"

"Yes, I will," Hassel tells him clearly, fondly, adoringly, trembling hand coming to a precious, flushed cheek. "Arceus himself could drag neither of us away, despite his best efforts."

They marry, as the warmth of ambient sunset glazes over them; hands wrapped in cord of alternate colours, the draconic for the biological and vice versa; they whisper nonsense vows, straight from their cores, babbled and pure and perfect; they adopt glistening emeralds or dazzling violets as the moon takes reign, and there are tears enough to proclaim the sea that spectates them flooded.

"Why now?" Hassel asks his husband afterwards, tears still glistening in his eyes, his forehead gently pressed upon his beloved's. "All these years..."

"I thought we had forever," Brassius tells him simply, voice thoroughly raspy by this point, clinging tightly to him, as though he might fall to his doom should he ever let go.

"We do, my love," comes the replying whisper, the utter certainty. "I'm sorry, for frightening you so deeply..."

Brassius sobs into him, believing him with his whole heart, and shakes his head.

"You were worth every moment of the agony, dearest," he promises him truthfully, burying himself into soft folds of fabric, and the softest man of all.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TM100: Dragon Dance

It’s difficult to practice for a celebration, when one’s heart or lungs have had their cracks filled in as though via liquid sunshine; an astral kintsugiri leaves one less willing than they might have been to put their beloved through physical stress.

“Well,” Hassel notes tiredly as they take seats together, “come the moment, darling husband, we could just vibe with it.”

Brassius glances at him, bewilderment strewn through his grey gaze.

“You know, as in do our collective best, dependent on our emotions at the time?” Hassel’s expression creases in thought. “I think that’s what my students mean by it, anyway…”

The pair burst into soft laughter, hands automatically finding one another’s and gripping on tight.

“Everything will be wonderful, querido,” Brassius whispers, “because you will be there, and I will be right there with you.”

Hassel takes a gentle breath, and melts into his side, stinging eyes closing as he smiles warmly.

“Indeed,” he murmurs, content. “That’s all I’ve ever needed.”

“And I.”

Hassel kisses him, swallowing his tremulous voice, assuaging his lingering anxiety.

/////////

It is beautiful if mad, their celebratory dance. They don’t say vows – they already have, the words for them and them alone, sparkling in the intimacy of the dusk. They simply host a small gathering, fairy lights strung up across their whole garden now, Grass types mingling between fauna, guests somewhere between buffet tables, wine refills and comfortable garden furniture. Lilligant develops a quiet, blushing crush on Katy’s dear Heracross, who flexes happily for his smitten acquaintance; a far too competitive Breloom attempts to spar with a far too competitive Staraptor, who promptly and triumphantly puts the bird to sleep the moment he gets too feisty; Flapple doesn’t leave the side of her fathers, chirruping happily as a laughing Hassel feeds her cake with a wink and an indulgent promise that she’s only allowed a little.

“Have a heart, kid,” Larry announces dryly, as he plucks her phone from a whining Iono, who has been attempting to livestream the event. She tries to snatch it from the air, which goes about well as such a height difference might imply.

“Awww! Just tryna share the joy!”

“Enjoy it, instead. Live in the moment. Pick up tips for the future, when someone feels like putting up with you for long enough.”

“Hey!”

He smirks down at his pseudo-daughter, his face softening. “Trust me,” he mutters, glancing warmly at Katy, who’s giggling at her Heracross. “If I can find them, anyone can.”

It’s endearingly awkward and inaccurate when their dance comes, when they take centre stage; steps misaligned at points, gentle amusement tripping from their lips. Shoes are stepped on, but the twirls are dramatic, and the audience appreciates their stars nevertheless, cheers, sobs and applause raising from their friends.

“Doing well, my love?” Brassius whispers as he swept up from their bowed finale, being drawn into a gentle, loving kiss.

“Doing perfectly, my darling,” Hassel promises tearfully after a moment, nuzzling his forehead to his husband’s. “And you?”

“Can’t complain,” he teases, and they both burst out laughing until tears stream down their faces in utter joy. Breath is briefly pulled from lungs, exhaustion reigns, but nothing ruins their harmony, their victory, their perfectly imperfect wedding reception.

They may have to take tomorrow slow; they may have to take the rest of their lives at an easier pace, a gentle stroll into forever instead of a sprinting wildness - but take it together they will, every step of the way.

Got a request for The Technical Festival, which celebrates Ephemeralart and Vanillacupcakes through the medium of TMs? Take a look here; my askbox is open!

[socialfauxpa]

2022 book wrap up

I got a couple messages about what i was reading in 2022 and thought the Storygraph Wrap up feature might be a good chance to post about it.

If anyone is interested in adding me on storygraph, my account username is socialfauxpas

I read a total 36 books and graphic novels this year! I was aiming to read 22 books in 2022 and overshot that goal. Most of the graphic novels were re-reads of Saga catching up for the new issues this year (i am completely caught up as of yesterday). And yes Harrow the ninth is on here twice, i read it twice this year. Also nothing but love for Martha Wells's Murder bot diaries those six books slay.

I'll post some detailed thoughts about my 5 star reads under the cut below.

My 5 Star Reads

Last night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo

Listed under books that made me lose my mind. I read this in January 2022 and its discussions of discovering and belonging to queer community and acceptance of butchness had me legit sobbing at times. And all that is being paralleled with 1950's Red-Scare paranoia ! Malinda Lo was insane for this and I recommenced it to everyone interested in historical queer fiction because it has been rattling around my head for literally a year.

The Starless Sea By Erin Morgenstern

I Love Erin Morgenstern, her novel the Night Circus is one of my all-time favourite love stories ever. Starless sea is a banger too. It comes out swinging with her beautiful prose fantastic protagonists and a novel about the nature of stories and storytellers? Insane. Her wold building and interweaving of timelines is so incredible. I also listened to this as an audio book and the reader was so good at the different characters voices and delivery of the stories it really added a lot of depth to an already rich story.

The Priory of the Orange Tree By Samantha Shannon

Talk about a win for the High fantasy gays, this ones got it all. Dragons, romance, magic, RICH world building. It's what i wish game of thrones was-> a entire cast of characters and interconnected storylines across continents that 1) made sense to its own story and 2) no homophobia lol. I literally couldn't put this brick of a 850+ page novel down and read it in exactly 10 days according to storygrpah.

The Unbroken by C.L. Clark

The review on the cover says something like" this book wil grab you by the collar, break your heart over its knee, then mend it" and Yeah.jpeg. It does that. I love Touraine and Luca, their dynamic is incredible. Adele voice "Its about the devotion babes, devotion".I found this book through a Tordotcom article about The Butch Martyr in SFF, where it talked about 2 of my other favourite queer fantasy series (Gideon the Ninth and The Traitor Baru Cormorant) and i figured anything that is mentioned in the same breath as those two must be a banger, and BOy howdy is it. And ill tell you if i had nickle for every book I've read that features heavy themes of colonialism, of dealing with the grief of a love lost, and loving a culture that will never see you as one of its own, id have about 15cents. Which isn't a lot but it was the hot new trend for books i read in 2022 (2021 was lobotomy).

She Who Became the Sun by Shelly Parker-Chan

Another one i could not put down. I listened to this one as an audio book as well and i was plugged the fuck in. Absolute banger of historical fiction and an incredible GNC protagonist. I feel like ive seen this book mentioned a lot along side Xiran Jay Zhao's Iron Widow (which i also read and liked a lot this year) because these authors have taken real people from Chinese history are playing around with them like dolls. But the way this book talked about fate and how the life you live is an active choice really hit. And talk about a book that is gender, JESUS. You know how sometimes you read something and you can just tell it was written by someone who GETS it, Shelly Parker-Chan gets gender in a way that i haven't seen in a long time.

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Can't talk about books that are so gender without talking about Nona. Yall know my love for the locked tomb series and this torch is still being carried. I've been thinking about the "It’s finished, it’s done. You can’t take loved away." line for uhhhhhh 5 months straight. I can not say enough good things about this series, I could talk about it for literally years (and i have).

[artificialqueens]

🏳️‍🌈 Galactica, Chapter 108 (Group Fic) - TheDane/Veronica

A/N: Click here if you’re looking for previous chapters (or here if you’d rather read on AO3). 💫

Previously: Bianca fired Raven from a Marie Claire photoshoot for talking shit about Courtney. Aurora was called in as a pinch-hitter when Raja rejected Violet’s Met Gala pitches. The Galactica Fashion Week Show went off beautifully. 

This Chapter: Raven throws a tantrum, and Aurora steps up to the plate.

***

“…So then I stepped into the light, and I swear I could hear a pin drop in the room. It was like…even more than a gasp. Just the entire crown taking this collective breath and holding it until I put my first foot forward,” Raven said, eyes sparkling. 

“Mmhmm.” Juju nodded, sipping her decaf latte and glancing quickly at her phone. Meeting Raven for coffee before work was always risky. She wanted to catch up with her friend, of course, but Raven tended to let time get away from her, not quite realizing that Juju’s schedule was a bit less flexible than her own. Luckily, she was too deep in her own story to notice Juju’s split-second distraction from her recap.

“Then, as I began to walk the runway, they all slowly exhaled, still not making a sound, every single pair of eyes on me. It was just absolutely exhilarating.” 

“Sounds like it!” 

“I wish you were there,” Raven pouted. 

“Me too,” Juju said. “But this week is big money for me. It basically paid Kelly’s tuition this spring.”

“Get them coins, Mama.” 

“You know it. And De was there repping the family. Although I’m not sure how much good that did. He said that Fame nearly took off his head for mentioning Bianca in front of the Vogue reporter.” 

“With good reason!” Raven exclaimed, shaking her head. “What possessed him to nearly ruin a lovely evening by bringing up that cunt’s name-”

“Raven.”

“What?! Don’t fucking tell me you’re still staying neutral, Juju.”

“I am, and you know this; I’ve said all along that I’m not taking sides-” Juju could feel her ears heating up, her stomach twisting as Raven’s eyes grew cold. She knew this already, why was she acting like this was new information?

“No! I knew you weren’t taking sides when it was about her and Fame and their petty bullshit. When it was about Bianca fucking some nobody assistant who she’s gonna get bored of in a month, leaving some dumb dinner early, whatever else Fame was salty about. Blah blah, we all know they’ll make up as soon as Bianca ditches the prosti-tot. Hashtag who cares.” 

Juju rolled her eyes. “Your compassion is-”

“Shut up, you know what I mean. This is not about that anymore! I don’t care about that. She fired me, Juju. Fired me, in front of a bunch of fucking people!” 

“I know, Rave, but-” 

“Did you just say ‘but’?” Raven looked like she could murder Juju in cold blood. This was getting extremely out of hand. 

“Look, I know how horrible that was, I’m not denying that or arguing with you. What I’m thinking about is what a fucking bummer it is when a group of friends is fractured. Maybe I’m being selfish. Because I hate this. I hated the last time it happened, with Jinkx. You weren’t around then, but…I just want this to get solved because…” Juju took a deep breath. “Rave, you can’t imagine how quickly weeks turn into months, and months turn into years. You know?” 

Juju bit her lip, hoping that Raven would understand. She wasn’t sure she did, since Raven was still glaring at her. 

“What?” she asked tentatively, aware she might be opening up another whole can of worms. 

“How can you even think to talk to me about ‘solving things’ with that fucking cunt?! Where is your loyalty?” 

Juju sighed, closing her eyes. “Rave-” 

“No, because, I told you what happened,” Raven said, getting ready to launch into the saga once again, which Juju was not looking forward to in the slightest. “She humiliated me for no reason, out of pure spite-”

“Okay-” 

“All I said was some totally benign things about what her dumb sugar baby was wearing, or something, I don’t even remember because they were such like, random throwaway comments-” 

“Rave-” 

Of course, Juju had dragged the story out of Bianca, too, because Raven’s version seemed…incomplete, to say the least. Juju loved her friend, but an innocent victim she was not. And Bianca’s version, as expected, was completely different. At first, she acted like it was no big deal, something that was over and done with. A simple case of Raven being unprofessional and that was that. Holding a grudge? Not the great Bianca Del Rio! But as she told the story, it became pretty clear how hurt and angry she was over the whole incident as well. 

Juju was pretty sure the truth was somewhere in between their two stories, as usual. 

“And she totally lost it, screaming in my face and throwing her weight around like some big shot to show off to her stupid girlfriend! Plus, she totally intimidated the Galactica staff into going along with it since none of them ranked high enough to stand up to her-”

“Rave, please-” This part about intimidating the Galactica staff was new. It seemed that, true to Raven fashion, the story was growing more and more elaborate each time she told it. Some people’s anger faded over time, but Raven’s seemed to grow, strengthened by the myths that she told herself to fuel the rage.

“She literally had security throw me out of the building!” Raven said, her voice shrill now, attracting attention from some of the others, which was the last thing Juju wanted, “Like I probably had bruises on my arm where-”

“Raven! Stop!” 

Raven finally stopped talking, her face a picture of betrayal as she stared at Juju, aghast. 

“I…I’m sorry. I know it was awful for you, and I hate that it happened, but I can’t listen to this story anymore-” 

“Are you fucking serious-”

“Yeah! Yeah, I am, because I love you, I love you so much, but every time you tell it, it gets more and more over the top, and I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to hate one of my oldest friends just because your idea of loyalty is an ass-kisser who smiles and nods at you. That’s not me, it never has been, and-”

Raven stood up, practically knocking her chair over in the process, snatching up her things and tossing her fur wrap over her shoulder. 

“Get fucked, Juju,” she hissed, before turning on her heel and flouncing away. 

Juju sighed, putting her head in her hands. This was absolutely not how she planned to begin her day. Her phone began to buzz, and she answered, the twinge of a migraine beginning behind her left eye. 

“Hey.” 

“Hola!” chirped a sunny voice. Their new receptionist, who’d been pretty good so far. She was recommended for the job by Adore, of all people. Something about a friend of a cousin, or cousin of a friend, or cousin of a cousin. She wasn’t quite sure, but the girl was cheerful, pretty, and so far seemed competent. “Mrs. Drescher wants to know if she can come in at 10:15 instead of 10:45. Since she’s your first, I thought-”

Juju glanced at the clock. It would be tight, but she could make it. She reached into her bag for some Imitrex and said, “Tell her I’m on the way in and I’ll do my best, but it might be 10:20.” 

“Will do! Gracias!” 

Juju popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed it down with her latte. Before she left, she made sure to slip an extra $100 to the baristas. It wouldn’t guarantee their silence about any part of the tiff between her and Raven that they’d potentially overheard, but it might make them feel a bit less inclined to talk to the media. And Juju could be annoyed at Raven without wanting a story about a supermodel meltdown in a coffee shop to start circulating. 

***

Aurora stood next to the rolling rack, a large portfolio folder under her arm, her heart beating so fast and loud, she may as well have been in an off license with a fake ID instead of outside Raja Gemini’s office, waiting to present her Met Gala looks. 

She had nearly shit herself with fear when Trixie told her she’d be presenting alone, since he was out all morning and Raja had limited time in the office before leaving for London. 

“You’ll be great,” he’d assured her, “And don’t worry. It’s not a formal presentation. Just show her what you have and take note of everything she says. You’re not expected to talk unless she asks you direct questions.” 

‘Not talking’ had never exactly been Aurora’s biggest strength. Great. Fucking great. 

Now, here she was, in the explosion of green and warmth that was Raja’s office suite, surrounded by plants and rich fabrics and vibrant colors, the whole thing screaming that here worked someone who was absolutely crystal clear on what their aesthetic was, and if Aurora failed, then what would her future be at this company? 

She’d been in the same room with Raja a handful of times since she’d begun, but she’d never spoken directly to her, and the idea of having to do that, by herself, when one of the other designer’s ideas had already been ripped to very public and humiliating shreds was making her feel like she might faint. What gave her the fucking audacity to think she could do this when someone more experienced had already failed? 

Raja would take one look at her work and know immediately that hiring her was a mistake, that she didn’t belong, that she was-

“You can go inside now.” 

Aurora jumped slightly, rescued by the spiral of her own self doubt by Ivy’s voice, as Raja’s assistant came out of her office, leaving the door open behind her. 

“And don’t be nervous,” Ivy said, with a warm smile. “She’s got her tea and she’s ready.” 

Aurora nodded gratefully and pushed the rack inside, a bit startled to see that Raja wasn’t at her desk, but instead in the sitting area, on a plush chair covered in intricately embroidered fabric, a velvet pillow under her elbow. 

“Um, good morning. I’m Aurora, and-” 

“Good morning,” Raja said, a slight note of confusion in her voice, one eyebrow raising just slightly. “I thought you were going to show me sketches?” 

“Oh. oh, yes, I do have sketches,” Aurora said. She swallowed, fumbling to open the folder, pulling out the sketches. “I just, um, I thought maybe you would like to see some samples as well, so I made a few…these are-” 

Raja held out a hand to reach for the sketches and Aurora bit her lip, remembering the part about not talking unless you were answering a question. 

She shifted nervously, watching as Raja looked through the sketches, twirling a bit of her long hair around her finger, her beautiful face giving nothing away.

Ever so often, she would lift one of the pages to examine something closer, or make the smallest “hmm” sound. 

Aurora was dying to know what she thought. Love? Hate? Lukewarm indifference? 

Her one ray of hope, in this moment, was that, if everything was truly garbage, Raja would surely have thrown her out already, right? 

“Alright…” Raja stood up, suddenly even more imposing in her fitted jumpsuit, her long limbs and slender frame making it look elegant and severe. “Let’s see those samples.” 

“Right! Certainly…” Aurora gulped and turned around, pulling some items from the rack. “So, this is the jacket. I wasn’t sure whether you were looking for a pant or a dress, so I have two different looks that could potentially go underneath. I thought the black snakeskin could be-”

“Mmhmm…”

Aurora promptly clamped her mouth shut as Raja took the jacket from the rack, examining the sleeve, turning it inside out to look at the seams. 

“I, uh, I know the stitching isn’t perfect, but it’s just a sample, that would obviously be fixed in a real-” 

“How long did you spend making this jacket?” Raja asked, turning towards her. 

“Uh, about, um, six…six hours? That was, um, the actual sewing. But, I, um-” 

“Hmm,” Raja turned back to the rack. 

Aurora took another breath, slowly, as she pawed through the sample pieces, taking a closer look at some of them, even going back to the sketches to compare. Aurora’s head was swimming, and she started to get a bit dizzy. 

Stay calm, you motherfucking idiot. Do not faint in front of Raja Gemini.

“Ready for notes?” 

“What?” Aurora blinked at her like an idiot before her mind fully processed what Raja had said and she quickly shouted, “Yes!”

Raja took a small step back.

Oh my god did you just yell in Raja Gemini’s face? What the fuck is wrong with you?

“I mean, sorry, yes. I’m ready.” She pulled out the notepad and pen from her folder and sat primly at the edge of a royal purple velvet sofa. 

“Wonderful. The jacket has potential, but only as a concept, so we need changes. The sleeves should be shorter, three quarters, and the collar needs drama. For fabrics, give me a richer, deeper red. Something stiff, with structure. Perhaps an upholstery fabric? Obviously lined, even if this is a sample.”

Aurora nodded, scribbling vigorously to keep up. 

“The lining could be an opportunity.” Raja pulled the jacket open, looking at herself in the mirror for a second. “Explore Oriental silks and get back to me with a selection. Galactica’s ignoring the theme this year for the most part, but it never hurts to throw Ms. Wintour a bone.” 

She smiled, and Aurora stifled a laugh, not at all imagining that Raja Gemini would be making jokes. 

“This length is awkward. Re-imagine it as a formal duster with a big sweeping train, and before you spend another work day making samples, sketches do exist, and for a reason.”

“Yes ma’am.” Aurora could barely believe her ears. These notes felt…very minor. Of course she knew from the beginning that the sample fabric was just that - sample fabric. So that was Shortening a sleeve. A more dramatic collar. Adding a train?

“As far as what goes underneath, this pant is the most intriguing to me. And these ankle boots…what made you bring shoes, anyway?”

“M-Maxwell told me you’d expect a fully realized look, so I thought-”

“Ah. Well, yes, good advice. I agree with you about the snakeskin on the pants. It’s cool, the detailing on the sides is great, I like the high waist… But…” she squinted, tilting her head. 

Aurora waited, pen poised while Raja scrutinized the pants. 

“What do you think of a boot cut?”

“Absolutely not,” Aurora stated, before she could stop herself, then looked up with alarm, expecting an angry glare. 

Instead, she was grinning, her dark eyes dancing with laughter. 

“I’m sorry. I…of course I’ll do whatever you want,” Aurora stammered out. 

“Yes, well…perhaps we can forgo a boot cut for now,” she said. “And I’d like to go back to the drawing board in terms of tops. Everything here is too busy, too much going on. We need to streamline.” 

“Got it.” 

“I’d like you to pull some alternate fabrics for the jackets, and then I’d really like to see how these pants look.” Raja pressed a button on her phone’s intercom, “Ivy, can you come in for a moment?”

“Of course!” Seconds later, Ivy sailed through the door. “Yes?” 

“I want to schedule a fitting with Aurora for tomorrow, before I leave. Can we squeeze it in?”

“Um…yes, I think so. Depending on what time that New York Women’s Foundation luncheon ends, we can maybe say 3?”

“The luncheon where Gwenyth is the keynote speaker?” Raja asked. 

“Yes.” 

“Please. I would love an excuse to leave early,” Raja said. “Pencil it in for 2:30.” 

“You got it!” Ivy grinned. 

Raja turned back to Aurora. “I’d like to see some more fabric samples for the jacket, with a few revised sketches, and I want to see the pants on to get an idea of what they look like. I’ll be able to give you much better notes after that.” 

“That sounds perfect!” Aurora said. She still couldn’t believe that any of this was happening. Raja Gemini liked her design. Raja Gemini was going to wear her design to the Met Gala. It was insane, if she actually thought about it. 

“Some concepts for a new top would be appreciated as well,” Raja said, walking back to her desk and sitting down. She opened up a file folder and began to read the contents, her attention now on something else entirely. 

Aurora took that as a cue to mean that she was finished, so nodded and began to put all of the garments back onto hangers as quickly as possible. She couldn’t wait to get back downstairs to report the great news to the others, who had all been teasing her, assuring her that Raja would probably hate everything in the first round and not to feel too bad about it. 

As she was pushing the rack towards the door, Raja looked up from her desk and called out, “Aurora!” 

“Yes?”

“Great work this week. Thanks a lot.” 

“Thank you so much!” Aurora said, a grin spreading across her face that probably made her look like a grade-A twat. Okay, idiot, get out now before you burst into happy tears and snot all over Raja Gemini’s 4 million dollar rug. “Um…see you tomorrow!”

“Mmhm…” Raja smiled and went back to her paperwork. 

Aurora took that as a final goodbye, and bolted triumphantly towards the elevators. She couldn’t wait to report back to the rest of the designers with the news of her incredible success. 

***

Pride Challenge Points: 3081

[natsukisayuriuzumakiuchiha]

Yamcha y Freezer Ao3

When I saw @pen.lilixeesketch's drawings posted on her instagram profile I liked them a lot… however back then there weren't many fanfics/stories related to this unusual couple…

(Instagram profile link: https://www.instagram.com/p/B0rWL1WFV7I/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)

However, over time, there were writers who moved us with their words and writings. In Ao3 there are a number of great stories about these two characters.

Here are the 10 links to the stories I've read so many times… I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do.

1.- Half a World Away for @majinpiccolo and SkinsT

Summary:

With Vegeta and Nappa rapidly approaching Earth, Yamcha has been training his hardest to face the oncoming threat. In a night of boredom, he finds Radditz's scouter in Bulma's lab, connecting him to someone that will change his, and their, life forever...

Starts during the Saiyan saga, will progress onwards through to Super.

2.- Survive to Save for SkinsT

Summary:

Frieza is summoned to assist with the invasion from the Demon Realm, as this could be the worst mission ever faced. But he remains very reluctant to take part in the battle. In a twist of events, Yamcha learns exactly why this is.

Takes place in the Xenoverse 2 Universe. Can still be read without playing the game, but there are some minor spoilers.

3.- Dancing Gods for SkinsT

Summary:

Where Beerus once stood, now stands Frieza, and his angel attendant is Yamcha. In Universe 7, things stay the same, but some things change completely. And as always... some things go entirely different than anyone could dream of, even the God's themselves.

(AU story of Frieza as the God of Destruction in place of Beerus, and Yamcha in place of Whis. This will not be a full retelling of DBS, but rather snippets here and there. The focus will be on Yamcha and Frieza primarily, with everything else as a background.)

4.- The entire Redcurrant saga of SkinsT

Summary:

What happens when a former tyrant comes back to life, put on a leash by the God of Destruction and is not the happiest camper, he finds amusement in the most unlikely of people? Set after Dragonball Super.

5.- Take a Deep Breath for @majinpiccolo

Summary:

Becoming a god is the first step in Frieza's plan to take control of all universes, and he's willing to do whatever it takes to reach that goal. But... some of the 'tests' he's been given to prove he's a suitable candidate seem almost like they're more for Beerus and Whis's twisted amusement than anything else. And now they want him to go on a date?! But Frieza isn't one to back down from a challenge, and while he's always been far too busy to worry about romance in the past, how hard can finding someone he can last through one single date with be? The deities have also assigned him some help to guide him through the world of dating- the eternally unlucky in love Yamcha. The human quickly warms up to the task when he realizes this could be the push he needed to finally make his own dreams of finding true love a reality! While the emperor of not caring about other people and the king of failed romance might not be a dream team for this seemingly simple task, they're not going to give up. Sometimes, when it comes to romance, all you need to do is take a deep breath and dive in...

6.- Perfect Stranger for @majinpiccolo

Summary:

When Yamcha wishes for more strength than a human body can handle the dragon instead transforms him into a member of Frieza's race. Hungry for a chance to prove himself and win the respect of his friends he heads out into space, planning to defeat the tyrant once and for all... but things don't exactly work out as he'd expected.

A story about two men, two transformations, two relationships, and how opposites attract.

7.- Restraining Order for JJJJORDAN

Summary:

"He's been tagged with a tracker that will go off when he leaves the atmosphere. Immediately putting him under arrest. And it will stay like that until the one who issued the restraining order lifts it.... and I am just going to tell you up front, that is not going to happen any time soon."

This isn't a full story. but a really small and dumb interaction I wanted to flesh out and share. The idea that Yamcha is legally not allowed to leave the planet, and Bulma is extremely confused on how and why.

You know who, I know who, Yamcha knows who, will Bulma figure it out?

8.- Don't Look Down for SecretWeaponSeven

It was supposed to just be once.

One night together so that Frieza and Yamcha could work through their forbidden mutual attraction.

But they couldn't stop there...

Falling in love can be a tricky thing, however, and it can change people- and this change isn't always for the better. It can be enough to make someone who was already a villain become even more jealous, possessive, and controlling, and it just might be enough to make a hero so single minded that he loses sight of everything else...

A smutty fic that's gonna get a bit dark. Don't say I didn't warn you.

9.- Free Of Charge for NobodyOfRelevancy

Summary:

Yamcha is looking for love, and is unable to resist the most beautiful creature he's possibly ever seen. Strip Club AU.

10.- Watch Your Wording for @majinpiccolo

Summary:

When Yamcha gathered the Dragon Balls and wished for a soulmate to be by his side forever, he got two surprises- first, that his soulmate is apparently a super villain, and second, that the dragon interpreted this wish very, very literally...

At another time post another list of 10 stories of this couple (Yamza forever).

[daviahrose]

💌💋girls that read>> (book recommendations down below)💋💌

🎀Book recommendations! 🎀

The summer I turned pretty series! (Tsitp) I love reading this especially in the summer by the beach or the pool. It’s a little cute summer romance there is a show about it that recently came it. It’s a young adult read and a description about it is… “Belly measures her life in summers. Everything good, everything magical happens between the months of June and August. Winters are simply a time to count the weeks until the next summer, a place away from the beach house, away from Susannah, and most importantly, away from Jeremiah and Conrad. They are the boys that Belly has known since her very first summer—they have been her brother figures, her crushes, and everything in between. But one summer, one wonderful and terrible summer, the more everything changes, the more it all ends up just the way it should have been all along”

Jenny Han also writes so many other books that are good. Another famous on is To all the boys I’ve loved before (talib) it also became a movie series

The twilight saga personally I’m just now reading it but I like it so far. A little boring but I know it picks up because I may have or may have not watch the movies first. I almost finished the entire movies series so I decided to stop and try to read the books. It’s another young adult read and a description about it is…”A girl named Isabella “Bella” Swan, moves from phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington which is under a constant cover of rain. a mystery unravels when she meets Edward Cullen who is he? What are his true intentions? Nobody knows. she falls in love with him until it takes a terrifyingly scary turn”

Books I haven’t read yet that I recommend!

A good girls guide to murder series “a girl named pip investigates a murder mystery (can’t use too much detail might get taken down) pip knew the guy who supposedly did it but can’t shake the feeling that there has to be something more to the story. Will she clear his name?”

Colleen Hoover books these are pretty tik tok famous however because of the accusations I’m not sure if you want to read them (I’m not sure if they are true or not) support her if you want or don’t. Other than that some people say that it’s more for people who are just getting into reading and some people don’t like her writing style so her books are hit or miss. I personally flipped through it and didn’t buy it because it looked a little boring but I might buy it and see.

Colleen’s most famous books if you are interested

It end with us

Ugly love

Reminders of him

Verity

Regretting you

This is just from what I heard. I don’t really read Colleen Hoover books so I wouldn’t know but for the most part I see these all over my fyp

Last but not least I just want to say that reading isn’t boring and it’s actually fun when your not obligated to read them for class. You can make reading fun by getting books you like and reading on your on time and at your own pace. How do I find out what books I like? Well I’m not sponsored or anything but I truly feel like Likewise is a good app for recommendations on books, movies and tv shows, and podcasts. I used this to find out descriptions and reviews on books I’m interested in before I buy them. Also I don’t rush myself to finish books. It may take a year or a few months but I just renew them unless I get bored of them. Getting into reading takes time and getting out of reading slumps does too. All of last year I was reading until this year I stopped because I was too tired and I didn’t come back to it until this week. Being able to do fancy annotations and book tabs take time and somewhat skill so find what works for you. I wish I could get into annotating myself but it’s so confusing so I’m just looking at tik tok tutorials of people explaining. This is all my advice so far on reading and book recommendations I hope you guys liked it considering the fact that I woke up at 2:15am to write this and it’s now 3:30am on a school night 😭 let me know if this works. Xoxo, Daviahrose

[libertys-lovers]

☁️🌁𝑩𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒈𝒆-𝑺𝒊𝒅𝒆🌁☁️

Pt. 1 ~ Hidden Away | Pt. 2 ~ What is it, Karamatsu? | Pt. 3 ~ Bop it, Drop it, 💍Pop it💍!

Karamatsu’s finally returned home! The silence of the household lulled him into a false sense of security, but the hidden presence of his brothers yanked him out of it. And boy oh boy, do they have questions.

SHIP: (Discussed) 🕶💥Dramatics💥🕶 (Karamatsu x Freedom)

WARNINGS: Swearing

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is Pt. 2 of a Three-Part saga, so make sure to read Pt. 1 & stay tuned for the final installment.

How convenient was it that today had such pleasant weather? Sure, the December cold was most definitely present, but that seemed to work in Karamatsu's favor! The chill on his skin energized him for the upcoming day, as if his little shopping spree hadn't fueled him enough. He had left his home just a couple of hours ago, barely having said a word to his brothers. Part of him hoped that he hadn't worried them, but another part of him knew that his sudden disappearances never exactly worried them. And besides, he had bigger things to worry about! For once, he was a man that had plans, and he had to focus on those plans. In one hand he carried a package of peppermint bark, in the other a fresh rose bouquet. Merely holding these items made him overwhelmingly happy, maybe even nervous! He had a pep in his step the entire way home, even humming himself a tune in an attempt to spend some energy.

He slid the front doors open.

"Brothers~! I'm home!", he called out.

He waited for a response, surprised by how quiet it was. Maybe his brothers weren't home? He shrugged it off, deciding to head into the kitchen to drop his items off. He could put the chocolate in one of the cabinets so they didn’t get stolen immediately... and he could put the flowers in a vase until it was time to head out! Yes... everything was falling into place for him. Now he could just relax. Seeing as how none of the other brothers were to be found, Karamatsu figured he could watch whatever he pleased on the TV, for once. So he slid one of the kitchen doors open, cutting straight into the living room.

"THERE HE IS!".

Karamatsu jumped back; all of his brothers were gathered around the living room table, with Todomatsu pointing at him and standing.

"Oh! Well- well hello, my brothers!", spat out Karamatsu.

"Don't try to act innocent with us," grumbled Ichimatsu. "We know your secret".

"Honestly! This is the most Exclusivematsu thing you've ever done, Exclusivematsu!", exclaimed Todomatsu.

Karamatsu looked at them with a puzzled expression, sweat beads dripping down the side of his head. "Huh-? Whatever do you mean? I... I would never hide anything from my family, let alone my dear brothers-", he said as his voice shook.

The gathered brothers stared at Choromatsu, who rose from the table. He walked over to Karamatsu, like a prosecutor approaching a witness.

"Look Karamatsu, we already figured it out... or at least, we're pretty sure we did".

Choromatsu held out his fist, and slowly opened it to Karamatsu. In his hand was a shining ring, complete with gems in his signature blue.

"I found this hidden in one of the nesting dolls on the bookshelf," Choromatsu said as he stared at the ring. He moved his gaze to Karamatsu, practically piercing his soul; "You're planning to propose to Freedom, aren't you?".

Blush immediately coated Karamatsu's face, his gestures becoming much more frantic; "Ah-?! Pro-PROPOSE?! Haha! I wish! No... that's just... a ring for me! I thought I'd give myself a more.... sensitive touch~".

Ichimatsu turned to Jyushimatsu; "Jyushi. Octoupus hold".

Jyushimatsu saluted and prepared to pounce on his older brother. Alas, Karamatsu's barely-hanging-by-a-thread lie completely tore at its seam.

"WAITWAITWAITWAIT!! OKAY! Okay! I'll tell you", yelled Karamatsu, waving his arms.

Choromatsu blocked Jyushimatsu's path with his arm, signaling for him to cancel his plan. Jyushimatsu sat back down, and all eyes were set on Karamatsu. In an instant, his body language became much softer.

"Yes... I'm planning on proposing to her... tonight, actually," he said as he avoided eye contact. "That's why I left earlier; I wanted to buy a couple more things for her before I left".

The rest of the brothers gasped at the reveal.

"Oh Karamatsu... why didn't you just tell us?", asked Choromatsu with a sincere tone.

"You're joking right? You remember how we reacted when he first said he was dating Freedom?", said Osomatsu.

Most of the brothers laughed as they remembered those fond times, but Choromatsu jerked his head towards them and told them to be quiet.

"No... well.. I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought it'd be a nice surprise for you guys... and I also didn't want you telling her... and I also didn't want to be put into a headlock".

Karamatsu's brothers all nodded, muttering various phrases of agreement.

"Okay, wait a minute-", chimed in Todomatsu, "How do you plan on proposing to her, Karamatsu?". He sounded oddly serious in this moment.

"Oh man, good question! What if it's something really painful?!  Like proposing to her right in front of the movie screen at the movie theater? Or like, using fireworks that look like his face?!"; Osomatsu had lost all seriousness in this situation, and was just laughing his ass off at this point.

Karamatsu sighed, his eyes glued to the floor; "I was just gonna take her out to dinner... I even managed to get us reservations". His mood seemed to lighten up. He put his hand to his chin, having a confident smile as he continued his thought; "I was thinking of having the question written on our dessert, and then I could pop on my knee and tell her how I've truly felt all these years! Or maybe I could tap on my wine glass and announce it to the entire restaurant...".

Karamatsu began beaming, practically acting out how he imagined the scenario to go, "Yes... I'll tell them all how much I love her! The entire world will know that I'll marry my Karamatsu Girl! I'll-".

"NO, nononononono-!", interrupted Todomatsu, rushing to Karamatsu and trying to snap him out of his daydream.

"Huh? I didn't think it was that bad," said Choromatsu. "Those might've been some of the best ideas he's had in a while".

Todomatsu glared at Choromatsu; "You didn't think it was bad because you don't know Freedom like I do".

He turned his attention back to Karamatsu, who was incredibly bamboozled by his ideas' rejections; "Unlike you Karamatsu, Freedom doesn't like the idea of everyone watching her all the time. Having all those eyes on her while you ask the most important question of her life is NOT going to make her feel good!".

Karamatsu threw himself into a flashback montage. Freedom did always seem on-edge whenever attention was drawn to her. Hell, even when attention was drawn to the brothers, she'd get awkward purely due to association. Karamatsu's expression went blank at this realization, his eyes becoming pure white with fear.

"I- you're... you're right-".

"I know".

"So... I can't propose to her there...".

Karamatsu, needless to say, began to freak out; "Well wHAT DO I DO- I already asked her out to dinner tonight!!! Do I just cancel?! I can't just cancel on her, right?!".

His fellow brothers shouted in sync; "DON'T CANCEL!!".

"Come on Karamatsu, the dinner date's the only good idea you've ever had", light-heartedly pleading Osomatsu.

"Yeah, you don't have to cancel everything!", added Choromatsu. "Just propose somewhere else!".

"Hmm... but where else could I do it? If it has to be somewhere both romantic and not crowded...", mumbled Karamatsu.

"Well, have you gone on any dates to places like that?", asked Choromatsu.

Karamatsu threw himself deep into thought. Most of their dates have just been walks throughout the city, window-shopping or simply going out to explore. They've had beach-dates before... but restaurant wear wouldn't be suitable beach wear... and it was probably too cold out anyway. They could go to the park; if it snowed that would've made it extra cute, but the park's not exactly special. No... nowhere he could think of felt right... nowhere except for one...

"The bridge... I could take her to the bridge", he uttered, as his face softly lit up.

His brothers look at him, all with confused faces as their faith in his plan quickly began to dwindle. A syncronized "huh?" escaped all their lips.

"Eh?! Don't look so surprised! It has a beautiful view, it's ROMANTIC, it's NOT BUSY!... and we've had a lot of good times there...".

Choromatsu shook his head, facepalming with one hand and shrugging with the other; "Yeah, sure, that works".

"Hmm... I don't know... isn't that kinda lame?", asked Todomatsu, almost with a genuinely-concerned tone.

"Well, you did tell him not to do it anywhere crowded. That takes away a lot of his options, you know," defended Choromatsu.

"Heh~ As if anything we could do together would be lame~", said Karamatsu as he pulled out his sunglasses. "Nothing can be boring if you're doing it for the great adventure of love~!".

His brothers groaned, cringed, some even had to stand up and pace a little bit. At least Karamatsu's confidence was back, right? Maybe that wasn't an entirely accurate statement though; he seemed to still be holding onto his breath, and slight sweatbeads still dripped down the side of his face. But at least he had a plan. That's all that mattered, right? All that mattered was that he was prepared.

Or so he originally believed. As Karamatsu thought more about the night ahead, he remembered the key function of the universe: time.

"AH-! And I have to get ready for that adventure!!", shouted Karamatsu as he began rushing for the door.

"Huh? What time are you supposed to meet her at?", asked Choromatsu.

"5 o'clock, tonight!", Karamatsu worriedly responded.

Todomatsu glanced at his phone as he heard the commotion; "Karamatsu, it's only 12 o'clock".

"And that's BARELY enough time to get ready! I've got to plan my outfit for tonight! I've have to make sure I've got all of my gifts for her! I've gotta brush my hair, and floss, and figure out which cologne's gonna fit the best for tonight!"; Karamatsu kept rambling to himself. He glanced at Choromatsu's hand, seeing he still was holding his ring. "AND I have to practice proposing!".

He swiftly snatched his ring from Choromatsu's hands and rushed to the living room door, just barely dodging Osomatsu’s grasp on his shoulder. Osomatsu stood there, retracting his hand as he sighed. The remaining brothers followed suit with their own sighs.

"I... I can't believe we're not stopping him...", muttered Ichimatsu.

The 5 brothers all stared at the floor. It was pretty strange for them not to. Every other time a brother's made romantic progress, they've tormented said brother about it. Hell, they tormented Karamatsu about it when he first started dating Freedom. The atmosphere just felt... different though. Half of them planned on doing it again; they waited for a perfect time to tackle Karamatsu, but the time just never came.

"Well... Freedom’s our friend... I'd hate to admit it, but messing with Karmatsu's messing with her, too", said Todomatsu.

"I guess the news is easier to handle when he's hooking up with someone none of us are interested in, right?", joked Osomatsu.

The brothers sat back in silence.

"Maybe we'll just torment him at his wedding, haha!", suggested Osomatsu.

The brothers’ eyes widened at the devious idea.

"EH?! That's going WAY too far Osomatsu!", scolded Choromatsu. "Weddings are civil. They're a time for love, they're-".

"Awe come on! I think Freedom would find it funny!", defended Osomatsu.

"You're talking about attacking her fiance, Osomatsu", Choromatsu said with a blank face.

"That's assuming she says yes, though", pointed out Ichimatsu.

The brothers turned their gaze to him, instantly making him feel on edge… but he wasn't exactly wrong. Technically they didn't know whether she'd say yes or not, but none of them even considered that until he brought it up.

"...What if... what if him getting a girlfriend was just a fluke?", continued Ichimatsu. "You know that every time we've tried to pursue any sort of romance, its ended up failing miserably".

Choromatsu looked at his younger brother with a concerned look; "Ich... Ichimatsu..."

But his younger brother went even further; "Karamatsu getting hooked up at all must've been a huge exercise of good karma... but once something good happens, something bad of equal value will happen. Or, in our case, it'll probably be something worse".

Though most of the brothers seemed unnerved by this theory, Todomatsu simply shrugged it off; "I don't know, Freedom's kinda obsessed with him... okay, she's really obsessed with him".

He looked at his brothers, seeing their facial expressions not change a single bit; "Huh? Why aren't any of you agreeing with me?".

"Well... Freedom might be in love with him.... but that doesn't mean she's ready to marry yet", said Choromatsu, hesistation being heavy in his voice.

"Ugh, I can't imagine how Karamatsu wold take that...", said Osomatsu.

The room went silent again. They couldn't argue Ichimatsu's logic. They had countless times when they thought they'd finally get a stable relationship, only for it to fall at the seams. Jyushimatsu's girlfriend had to leave, they fell for that Rental Girlfriends scam, Nyaa-Chan actually changed her mind towards Osomatsu, not to mention all the times when it'd seem like Todomatsu would get a date, only for him to fail. Hell, Karamatsu had plenty of these stumbles. All of them had the displeasure of meeting his flower fairy, and there was that one chick that just used him for a free meal.

But current times just felt different to the past; most of them had fulfilling relationships now, after all! The universe had certainly been kinder to them than it had been for the past few years. And yet, Ichimatsu still wasn't technically wrong. Especially for Karamatsu, AKA: The brother the universe seemed to spite the most, there was always a chance for things to go wrong. There was a chance it could fail. A chance everything could revert back for him, back to the way status-quo originally intended.

The silence in the room was deafening; their own heartbeat was pounding in their ears. They cared about the outcome of this proposal more than any of them would like to admit, even to themselves.

"But we have to be there for them anyway, right?"; finally somebody spoke, and it was nobody else than Jyushimatsu.

The brothers snapped out of their reflective thoughts, an uncharacteristically soft expression worn by all of them. They nodded and stood.

"We do... we really do", said Choromatsu.

"Well let's do it then!", shouted Jyushimatsu as he hopped to his feet. "Knock this game outta the park! HOOOOOMMMMMME RUN!".

The brothers smiled and shook their heads at Jyushi's antics. Even if it was drowned in baseball lingo, the sentiment was understood clearly. Frankly, none of them felt like playing wingman. Some of them didn't feel the need to anyways. At the very least though, they could make sure everything goes well, the only one they knew how...

But it was much too early for that; the date was still 5 hours away. So while Karamatsu practiced his proposal poses in the higher level of the house, the rest of the brothers could simply relax.

Time is a never-ending enigma though, and before Karamatsu knew it, the clock had struck 5.

and a sudden knock could be heard.

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Some more random thoughts about "The Lost Slayer" Buffy series. But I'm going to break from the norm I've adopted for this series so far and not put everything under a "read more" this time. So, major spoilers for that entire series ahead, beware. If you want to read the series yourself and don't want anything spoiled for it, you probably want to stop reading now.

Buffy and Willow's friendship in the saga--despite the awkwardness in it, and it getting a little fractured a bit--means the world to me. Mainly in that, even with all that, they work things out and still remain the best of friends. And the fact that Willow stayed in the thick of things in the horrible, apocalyptic universe for Buffy, according to Oz kills me. Kills me! -sobs-

Willow and Oz breaking up in the future--because Oz had to kill Willow's vampire-ified parents to save her, Xander, and himself from them, and then Willow not being able to forgive him for that--breaks my heart. But I also think it makes sense, of course. It reminds me a bit of some Fred and Gunn stuff in AtS. And that one line in the book where Willow thought something about, "She couldn't imagine her life without Oz," or whatever, made me think, "That could be foreshadowing that Oz is eventually going to leave her here in S4, sadly, but I also think it's more than that." And I was right. It was this whole Willow not being able to forgive him in this AU, and them breaking up for that reason thing. And I really liked that foreshadow and how this whole thing was set up.

Speaking of Oz, I really loved seeing him in this book and it makes me wish we'd gotten to see more of him in S4. I know it's impossible, because Seth Green wanted off the show, but I guess that's what things like this are for:)

Backing up a bit... Holy crap, the fact that Willow's parents tried to kill her (a second time for Willow's mom, after the "Gingerbread" thing) is so fucked up, and must be so traumatizing for Wills. Ahh! Poor Willow! This whole thing gives me so many feelings.

So, there's a moment where Buffy kisses Xander in here, and while not being a Buffy/Xander shipper (I don't really think the author Christopher Golden is, either), I was more than okay with it. I got the feeling that it was moreso Buffy trying to give Xander something to hold onto/look forward to, because he'd changed so much and become so depressed after everything they'd lost, largely after his losing Anya. And she thought if she didn't, he might go into the upcoming battle in a very reckless and almost suicidal way. (And Buffy thought Angel was dead at this point, so why not give Xander hope and perhaps try to move on with him, maybe?) And fortunately, she was able to reach him. But Xander still died:(

And ahh! His death killed me! And his funeral was so sad! And I think it's fitting that that's the thing that made Buffy and Willow adamant that they were going to find a way for Buffy to go back and fix things.

I also really appreciated the scene where Buffy avenged Kendra, even though I see Dru as a victim of her circumstances (something I really got into in the tags of another post).

Somewhat off-topic of this, but on the topic of Dru, I suppose, The SpikeDru in this book was also great.

And then Wesley thinking about how he'd actually really respected Giles and Giles' attitude towards the Council, and hated to see what had become of Giles as a vampire and the Big Bad of this series... and all the things Wesley in general in this book, really. He's so good here!

And Faith was so awesome! And led the Slayer front for five years while Buffy was imprisoned! And tried to save Joyce from getting killed from Spike, but alas. (And Joyce even came to Buffy in her dreams and told her that Faith tried to save her, before Spike killed them both [also, it's super depressing that in this universe Spike of all people kills Joyce]).

...That's all I can think of right now. There might be stuff I forgot to mention.

Edit: Oh. And the "The Freshman"/"City Of..." parallel we got here, when Buffy thought about calling Angel, but hanging up and not talking to him--because she doesn't know if she'll have the strength to talk to him--in just needing to hear his voice after he'd died in the horrible apocalyptic future she'd seen, that thankfully she's now stopped.

[mirrorsmp3]

ok i was just backreading and dune was my filler in between content droughts and i have finished the entire series but fair warning it is incomplete and ends in a cliffhanger so there is no closure. it's still worth reading if you don't mind slogging through lots of intricate politics and philosophy discussion spanning literal millennia just to see how far herbert pushes the bounds of human society but the first dune and children of dune were my personal favourites. the first dune is the beginning of the entire saga and it didn't really completely click for me until i read the appendices which explain how the sandworms fit into the larger ecosystem and how the fremen culture and religion evolved with them, which i found really interesting. children of dune is the end of paul atreides and passes it onto his children and it was interesting to look back at the original dune after seeing how the empire evolves under the atreides in children of dune. anyway, i think the original frank herbert novels are generally a good read and every time you think the bene gesserit could not get more insane they somehow do and it does bring up a lot of interesting ideas. i won't say i understood everything he was trying to say but they're a good read anyway. ok sorry this got long but yeah dune.

awesome thank you so much!!!! i’ve never gotten super duper into a multi-part fantasy world except for like Harry Potter lol and i suppose his dark materials when I sped through those a couple summers ago. dune seems like a cool place to start. i have an idea of how things turn out since i’ve been in and out of papers and Reddit threads and tumblr posts about the dune series for the past week LOL but i think it would be super interesting to follow the series along. i love geeky stuff so much lol i cant even think of that many things i like that would be considered geeky but i love the energy of being invested in a world like this it’s so good. thank you so much for explaining!!! I feel like I should get to at least children of dune now hahah i was just reading a post the other day about how the spice helps with space travel and ohhhh my god i wish I could explain just how good it feels to learn about worldbuilding details like that…. Like those really corny Harry Potter fanfics where they create magical theory and explain it in so much detail and it’s like the whole plot of the fic are such a guilty pleasure for me LMAOO

[unravelingthepages]

Hamilton- a review and a shoutout to my current favorite musical

hi! just got done with my mid-semester exams this week and thought I would start by recommending a musical I absolutely loved (yes I’ve been on a musical kick, I blame my cousin).

Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda is musical comprising of AMAZING soundtracks that I re-listen entirely every couple of days (I wish I was kidding) with the music spanning over genres of hip-hop, rap, musical theatre and more.

Just a note before I go into more about why I loved it- this is not a play made with the intention of depicting history. Yes, it draws from historical events and has historical figures as the main characters but the fact remains that it is a musical, and not intended to have a political message glorifying things like slavery. I will say that it while it does not forgoe looking at the themes of feminism and slavery and does have references to them, it in no way focuses on them and therefore might have the unintended consequence of glorifying figures like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who owned slaves and such. If you plan on watching this musical, do go into it with this information.

About the musical

Hamilton is the epic saga that follows the rise of Founding Father Alexander Hamilton as he fights for honour, love, and a legacy that would shape the course of a nation. It is based on Ron Chernow’s acclaimed biography and has the themes of romance, honour, war, revolutions, adultery, politics and more.

Why I loved it

Did I mention I absolutely ADORED the songs? Because I'm obsessed with each and every one of them. The way you can read into them and how each song can be seen as a build-up for the next and how later songs reference lines from the earlier songs- it's frankly amazing and so cool.

Speaking of the songs, I loved that this was essentially just music and continuous beats. The conversations followed a pattern and more often than not, ended up being part of the songtrack itself. While I do love musicals that have songs and then periods of just dialogue in-between where 'the plot thickens' (imagine with the hand gesturing and air of mystery, please tell me someone knows what I'm talking about); all the plot advancing needed in Hamilton is mainly included in the tracks (hell, an entire Cabinet debate is a rap battle) and I adore this form of storytelling. It's also another reason I love re-listening to all the songs, since I know exactly what part of the musical it's from and what's going on in that number.

Moving on to the characters- I loved that none of them were glorified but still given human qualities such you can find them tolerable and want to listen to what they are saying. That's not to say I like most of them as historical figures (I decidedly do not). But they were all so distinct here- in their personalities, their style of talking, their general demeanor and more- that it played a large part in how their contasting characters fit into the story so seamlessly. A huge shoutout to the cast for that, I absolutely loved how they embodied their characters.

Let me end with saying the way the story is written and portrayed is incredible. It goes in a linear timeline and have so many cool elements to it that you can't take your eyes away from the scene. There are so many different ways to look at every scene and… well, I could go on but it's safe to say I'm in love with this musical. (My favorite songs are Wait For It and Burn and my favorite scene has to be the whole rewind scene with Angelica Schuylur and the characters of Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr and King George III HAVE to be my favorite because I honestly laughed out loud every time I saw some of their expressions and the lines that went with them.)

All-in-all, I recommend watching this musical with all my heart! I loved it and would a thousand percent rate it 5 stars.