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aswefindourwayback · 3 months

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I love you, I’m sorry

Authors note: this is my most vulnerable piece of writing that I’ve ever shared since it’s taken inspiration from some terrible moments in my life. So it’s not my best piece of writing. Feedback is always appreciated.

Word count: 2071

Content warning: mentions of poor mental health, angst

you’ve never been able to keep people in your life, no matter how hard you tried. you would always change parts of you to fit other people’s wants and needs but it was still never enough. it got so bad that you were having thoughts about ending it all, thinking it’d be easier for everyone around you. they wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit anymore and they could finally breathe again. but you instead threw yourself into your work.

you were already good at your job, but you quickly became the best. your work became your life. you stopped seeing and talking to your friends because you got so caught up in your work.

after years of working your ass off, you found yourself as a profiler for the FBI. you were now a member of the BAU. it took some getting used to and learning how to socialize but you got the hang of it. you guys were cracking case after case. you got along with all your coworkers and you guys often had fun together. you really loved all the laughs and good times you had with them, even outside of office hours. like that one time Emily, jj, and Penelope invited you out to go shopping and get dinner. it was something you were terrified of doing, getting closer to people and getting out amid socializing again, but you did it and found that it wasn’t as bad as you’d made it out to be in your head.

but there was one who you really got along with. spence. when you guys first met, you were both a bit shy and timid. but with time, you two grew incredibly close, always going to each other for anything and everything. and over time you fell for him, without meaning to. you knew it would complicate not only work but your friendship with him. your friendship with him means the world to him and you don’t know what you’d do if you lost him, so you kept your feelings to yourself. until one day, you didn’t.

it had been a normal day when rossi had called you into his office to talk about some case details. after going over the details and correcting him a few times, he asked you something:

“so, when are you gonna tell him?”

“what? tell who what?” you asked, completely lost in the conversation.

“reid. when are you gonna tell him how you feel?”

“spencer? what do i feel for him?” you said trying to play stupid. but it was rossi, he could see straight through you.

“Dont play dumb, kid.”

You slouched your shoulders in defeat, “no, i’m not gonna tell him.”

“Why not?”

“there’s a millions reasons to stay quiet”

“but there’s a million reasons to tell him too. don’t be afraid y/n.”

“easy for you to say. you’re not the one confessing your feelings”

“but i’ve done it a million times, kid. trust me. what if something good comes from this?”

“what if i ruin the one good thing in my life?”

“you won’t”

“how do you know that?”

“i just do.”

“what if it’s not the right time? like we’ve got that new case coming up and spence has been through some awful shit recently.”

“there’s never a “right time”. you just gotta do it.”

“i never intended to fall for him.”

“feelings are something we can’t control.”

“fuck. i’m gonna do it.” you say walking out of rossi’s office. the last thing you hear is rossi calling out to you “good luck, kid! not that you need the luck.”

-=+=-

you waited until the work day was over cause you didn’t want to make it very awkward in case you were rejected, which would very likely happen according to your calculations (you tend to distort your brain and imagine that the worst will happen for any situation). the odds of you being rejected were quite high so, you were just taking safety precautions. and if he still ended up rejecting you, you had it all planned. you would transfer to another branch. it’s not the best plan but you never claimed to be the brightest.

most of the team had already left for the day, so it was just you and spence standing waiting for the elevator, just talking about the paperwork you guys had worked on today. the elevator dinged, indicating it had arrived and the doors opened.

as you two stepped in, you took in a deep breathe and faced spencer.

“hey” you’d said.

“hey” he said, smiling shyly.

“so i’m gonna tell you something and i need you to let me finish before you say anything.”

“alright, i’m listening.”

“spence, i really like you, i mean really like you, so go ahead and reject me. i'm a big girl, i can take it. also you don’t have to say anything now.” you said at lightning speed, squeezing your eyes shut, afraid to look at him.

“y/n?” he asked as you felt his finger lightly lift your chin up.

“open your eyes, y/n”

you did as he said.

“i have something to tell you too.” he admitted, dropping his hand from your chin and shoving them into his pockets. your eyebrows were scrunched up a bit, hopeful of what his response would be, “i’ve never felt a connection with anyone before like this. I know that’s not surprising considering my awkwardness around people and my need to always correct people when they’re wrong and the fact that I shove myself into my job so much but i’ve dreamt of kissing you and feeling like i was on cloud 9. i started to notice when morgan kept calling me out for always watching you. and then i kept having dreams about you. not like any weird or sexual dreams or anything. just dreams where we hung out. just being near you. but i definitely want to see how this goes.”

“oh thank fuck” you said letting out an exasperated breathe.

that had made you both laugh. you felt like so much weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

“so” spence has started, exaggerating the length of the word.

“so”

“do you wanna like, hang out now? we could go get a drink or something. or if you want to wait and stuff then we can do that.” he’d said, almost stumbling over his words.

“id love to get a drink, spence.” you smiled at him.

and he smiled back.

at the bar, you two mostly forgot about your drinks and basket of fries as you were so caught up in each others company. you spent the night talking and laughing. you laugh so much, you were sure you were going to have abs in the morning. you’d never felt so happy. he made you forget about all your worries. he was unbelievably amazing that it was hard for you to believe that he existed and that he liked you back.

you two stayed until the bar almost closed for the night. he walked you home and you two kept talking on the walk. once you two had reached your door, you stood in front of him, not wanting the night to end.

“thanks for the drinks. i had a great time.” you said to him

“thanks for joining me. i had a great time too. um, do you think we could keep this on the down low for now? i don’t want everyone breathing down our necks at work and stuff. and i just wanna enjoy us for a bit.”

“yeah, of course. i’ll see you at work tomorrow. goodnight, spence.” you said as you walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek, making both your cheeks turn bright red.

“goodnight, y/n”

-=+=-

the past few months have been amazing. you and spence have been doing amazing as a team, not just at work. so many nights were spent together, either in complete silence or going on stupid late night adventures aka going down to the gas station across the street from your apartment to get snacks. you were so grateful for him and you were head over heels for him. you never thought you could feel this way for someone. you guys had of course had some ups and downs, mostly due to you and your mental health but you always got through it together, and for that you were forever grateful. he was different to anyone you’d ever met. he actually wanted to learn about the things you struggle with and wanted to learn what were ways he could help you. and after a really bad episode, you helped you breathe and told you he’d stay with you no matter what battles you two would have to face, cause he knew in the end, you two would end up the winners. it was insane to think someone so amazing would be able to love the mess you are, but he somehow does.

until he started to distance himself. it started after a specific incident when you had said something that came off wrong when he’d already had a bad day. after that, you could see it in the way he would interact with you. his speech and body language had changed towards you. his messages became a lot drier, even if you were verbally talking, he’d seem so disinterested, it was disheartening. you wanted to fix things but you didn’t know how. so you decided to arrange a nice little date night for the both of you, so you could show him how much you loved him and to talk things out. you even wrote down a little letter to tell him how grateful you are for him.

when you entered the office to tell him about the plan, he was on the phone so you waited behind him, waiting for the call to end. you didn’t mean to but you eavesdropped a bit, he seemed like his old happy self when he was on the phone, and you overheard a name, “maeve”.

you decided to walk away cause the call seemed to be taking a while. you walked towards morgan’s desk, where he was sitting and talking to pen.

“hey, what’s going on with you?” morgan had asked as soon as you walked up.

“nothing much, just waiting for spence to finish his call so i can talk to him about something.”

“oh yeah, he’s been on his phone a lot lately.” morgan had said.

“really? do you know why?”

“there’s this girl named maeve that he’s been talking about nonstop. he seems really infatuated with her, it’s nice to see him this way.” pen had said.

it was at that moment that all those bad feelings came back. your heart felt as if it was being grabbed out of your chest, just to be bitten into and shredded to pieces.

“i gotta go.” was all you said before you walked away from morgan’s desk.

you walked over to your desk and grabbed your stuff before walking to rossi’s office door and telling him you were leaving early.

“you alright, kid?”

“yeah, i just forgot something.” you said as you spread the fakest smile on your face.

you walked out the office and looked back at spence, hoping he’d walk after you to check on you. but he was so caught up in his phone call that he didn’t notice you leave.

you walked out to your car trying to keep the tears at bay. you ripped up the letter you’d written for him.

was it all a lie?

did he really mean those things he said to you?

was he playing you the whole time?

or did he just change his mind?

you messed up again.

you made mistake after mistake and he finally got tired of you.

he was the best but you were the worst.

you’re wrong again, about being lovable, cause you’re not.

it’s the way life goes.

it’ll never end.

you felt like pink cherry blossom petals that were left on the ground. loved and cherished when in the trees, awed at when falling, then left discarded and forgotten on the ground once you were no longer attached to the thing that gave you life. always being stomped over and discarded. never to be seen or loved again. the way it’s always been and the way it’ll always be.

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid x fem!readr #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader

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ryusuisloveinterest · 10 months

Note

Hello! I came back with another request!

I was wondering if you could please write something, with " I feel safer with you" kind of moment, please?

I would like to request this for Ryusui, kohaku ( girls need more love here) and ukyo, please?

Thank you!

welcome back anon! I think I went for what you’re asking for but if you don’t like it then feel free to let me know! Ngl they’re kinda long lol. I hope you enjoy 💕

I feel safer when I’m with you🩷

Ryusui: New America City Arc

“You’re staying here.” Ryusui demands you. You scowl. “Why?? I can help you sail the ship! I can keep Watch! There’s so many things I can do just let me come with y-“ This is the first time you’ve ever seen Ryusui so serious. Sure he was always focused and determined on something, but he never had such a solemn face. “(Y/n)…” he says as he drags you by the arm, leading you to the Perseus. “Please Ryusui…let me come with you.” “No…” This is when you lost it. “Why Ryusui?! This isn’t fair. We’ve been through everything together and now-“ “I want you to be safe ok?!!” Ryusui would never raise his voice at you. Ryusui’s voice has never trembled before. Ryusui’s eyes have never been filled with tears about to spill over. Ryusui has never desired something more in his whole life. “S-Stanley is going to come after us. He’s not gonna just slap our wrists and move on. No… he’s gonna come at us guns drawn and take every single one of us until he’s satisfied…” His eyes lock onto yours, desperation in them. “I can’t let you be put in that kind of danger. You have to be safe, I have to KNOW you have to be safe…” The water starts to fall out of his eyes. “We don’t have time for this, I have to get you to the Perseus before-“ He was shocked at the sudden soft lips onto his and the small hands that touched his face. He wraps his muscular arms around your waist and pull you closer to his body. As your lips slowly part, you softly smile at him. “Oh Ryusui, I’m never going to be safe unless I’m with you…” He’s stunned, confused on what you mean. “Remember, before the whole petrification, when you were at my place during a thunderstorm. The one that was on the news for weeks?” He nods. “I was doing the laundry, and you were building one of your model ships. I was almost done with the towels when the lights went out. Of course I started panicking, I’ve never not been scared of blackouts.” You chuckle, thinking of the memory. “I just sat on the couch, trembling, when I feel my favorite blanket wrapped around me.” Your mind travels back to that very day. You both remember every little detail from the cologne Ryusui was wearing to the conversations the both of you had to distract you. “As soon as you wrapped me in your arms, I felt a weight being lifted off my chest. I wasn’t afraid anymore, and it’s all because of you.” He reaches his hand out, tangling it in a few strands of your hair. “Please my love, if you want me to be safe then let me come with you…” He pauses, contemplating on what to do. “Fine, but let’s hurry.”

Kohaku: After Perseus is finished

The Perseus was finally done. Everyone celebrated for only a short while since Ryusui began calling names. One after the other, Ryusui calls name after name. “To help with ship maintenance, (y/n)!” You’re shocked at first that the Kingdom of Science wants you on their journey, but you except the offer with a small nod and walk onto the ship. Everyone greets you and welcomes you on board, well tried to. Kohaku snatched you up immediately, basically throwing you in the air because of how excited you are that you’re coming. “Thank goodness you’re here (y/n)! I thought I would have to separate from you!” You can’t help but blush and giggle at her reaction. After everyone boards and Ginro does his swimming to the boat thing you all head out to Treasure Island.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon night falls and you and Kohaku are the first on night watch. You both stand hand and hand as you lean on the sides of Perseus. The smell of the ocean sets the romantic mood as the stars provide some light for the both of you. Kohaku rests her head on your shoulder, letting out a small sigh. “I’m really happy you’re here (y/n), really. To be completely honest I thought you would stay behind. You’ve never really be the one to venture out.” You let out a laugh. “Well, you could say I wanted to stay close to a certain someone.” This made Kohaku giggle. “Besides, I was curious. To see more than just the island we live on.” Kohaku smiled softly while holding your hand a little tighter. “But…aren’t you even a little scared? About leaving your home?” You were shocked at her sudden vulnerability. The strong lioness showing her fear and worry. You squeeze her hand back. “Hey, we’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine. As long as we have each other, there’s nothing to worry about.” She smiles at you, then gives you a small kiss on the cheek. You laugh to yourself. “Plus, I don’t have to worry about being mauled by a bear or something, I have Ishigami Village’s strongest warrior with me, I never have to worry with you around Kohaku!” Kohaku laughs at this, and if you’d look hard enough then you could notice the small blush forming on her face. “Thanks (y/n), I’m glad I can always count on you…” She takes a small step towards you before sharing a delicate kiss.

Ukyo: Stone Wars

You were sitting outside of Tsukasa’s cave, waiting for the meeting between Tsukasa, Hyoga, and Ukyo to end. As you were about done picking the random flowers that found their way through the rock, you see Hyoga angrily stomp pass you. You look in the cave as Tsukasa and Ukyo walk out. “(Y/n).” Tsukasa says as he nods at you, walking to a quiet place to think. Ukyo sighs as he walks over to you, grabbing both your hands and kissing them. “Tough meeting?” You whisper. He nods. “Let’s get you some food then you can tell me all about it yeah?” “I’d love that.” He smiles as you both walk hand and hand to your shared hut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Night eventually falls as you and Ukyo cuddled close together for warmth. “What’s on your mind Ukyo? You’ve been acting strange ever since your meeting with Tsukasa and Hyoga.” Ukyo barries his face in your neck, breathing softly. “Hyoga was telling Tsukasa that we should only revive the strongest while Tsukasa believes only the young should survive.” He buries his head deeper, taking in your scent. You rub his ear, making his face heat up. “And how do you feel about that? Do you agree with letting a few live and the rest die?” You already knew the answer, but you had to hear it from his mouth. Ukyo holds you tighter when you feel your neck become wet with his tears. “N-no one should die, w-why do we have to d-decide who lives or dies? It’s not right!” You cup his face and wipe his tears. “That’s not all you want to tell me, is it?” He stares up at you, hesitant. He touches your hand and kisses it. “I found a phone.” A phone? In the stone world? How? “On the other side was the Kingdom of science…” Yes, Tsukasa’s current enemy. “Their leader, Senku, said if I could help them, they’ll prevent anymore bloodshed and stop the destruction of the statues…” Hes scared to tell you more, but he holds you tighter. “What else Ukyo?” “I cant, the more you know, the more likely Tsukasa could harm you. I have to keep you safe..!” You grab his face making him look at you. “Listen to me, I’m here with you. No matter what we face we’ll do it together. And as for my safety, I know that I’m safe when I’m with you!” This causes Ukyo’s tears to fall out again. He looks down and takes a breath. “I agreed. I dont want anyone else to die…” You squeeze his hand and kiss his hand. “Then no one else will. We’ll make sure if it. Together…”

#dr stone #dcst #dr stone headcanons #ryusui nanami #ryusui nanami headcanons #ryusui nanami x reader #ryusui x reader #Kohaku headcanons #Kohaku x reader #ukyo saionji headcanons #ukyo saionji x reader #ukyo saionji #dr stone x reader

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damn-stark · 9 months

Text

Chapter 35 Can’t catch me now

Final chapter of Cherry

A/N: Thank you, I’m going to cry now that it’s over

Warning- FLUFF, mentions of pregnancy and birth complications, angst, and swearing

Takes place during- The final chapters special 2

Pairing- Jean Kirstein x fem!reader

————

What does he mean by talk?

Does he have a girlfriend back in Marley? One Connie, Levi, or Pieck mentioned?

Or maybe he’s going to say that he’s totally just over you. He doesn’t love you anymore.

You can’t take it, the anxiety is killing you.

“You look nice,” you interject and hide your nervousness well. “I like your hair, it’s different, it’s good.” You peer over your shoulder and flash Jean a smile.

He meets your gaze and a soft smirk tugs on his lips. “Thanks. You look nice now—I mean you look beautiful, but nice because the last time I saw you, you looked—”

“Bad?” You say to him with a small teasing smile.

Jean squints and parts his lips to argue, but you cut in again.

“It’s okay, it’s true,” you assure him. “I was in a bad place. Now I’m not. I’m okay now. Better than good actually, I’m great.”

You slide the door open to a secluded cabin on the train and walk in first before he follows you inside and closes the door behind him, letting you finally face each other.

“So I’ve read,” he says.

You study his handsome face and smile wider. “You look very nice. Is that okay to say?” You ask to get what you want to know from him. “Or should I hold back because of a special someone?” You wiggle your eyebrows and hope it isn't true.

Jean scoffs and shakes his head. “Nah…I tried it,” he admits, and you feel your heart clench—“but none of them worked out, I guess,” he rolls out and glances at the ground as he puts his hands in his pockets. “They weren’t you.”

Your heart skips a beat and your eyes widen. “What?” You gasp with disbelief.

Jean looks up at you and exhales deeply before he pulls his hands out and strides over to you with confidence. “I know I’ve been an ass and not written, but I wanted to give you space.”

“Jean,” you try to interject, but he grabs your shoulders and looks at you with a soft look that makes your face begin to burn.

“Listen okay?” He continues and looks into your eyes. “I love you, I always will no matter what, but I don’t want to just be your friend. I can’t be just a friend. I can be your best friend if we’re together, but I can’t live my life and pretend that we didn’t live a life together. That I didn’t love you with my entire being. I can't do that, I'm not that big of a person.”

Tears fill your eyes, but they’re not born from an ache, they’re tears of disbelief and shock.

“So,” he goes on softly and slowly places his hands on your cheeks. “That’s why I'm saying it now, it might be brazen and too much for you, but it’s the truth and if I didn’t say it I would be bothered and mean, you don’t deserve that. And well,” he sighs. “Too much shit has happened for us to be patient, and I’m afraid that if I continue to be patient, I won’t be able to say what has been stuck in my throat for years.”

You smile softly and gently slide your hands over to hold his arms. “Jean,” you whisper. “I love you. I do. I never stopped loving you. I never thought about anyone else but you, but,” you cut in and make his breath falter. “You can’t rush into this. We’ve hardly talked over the past 3 years, I don’t know you anymore. You don’t know me. We know a past of each other, but not who we turned into. You understand? I mean what if you don’t even like who I am now? I don’t want you to waste your time with me, I—”

“Shut up,” Jean cuts you off and pulls you closer to him, making your breath hitch and your eyes fall on his lips—“Just shut up you’re talking nonsense. All you’re saying is crap because I do know you,” he says. “I’ve read all the letters you sent me. All the letters you sent our friends, and I’m looking at you now and all I see is my future. I’ve fought for a long time, I know life isn’t long, and I don’t want to wait. We can get to know each other as we date. Just please be with me. I miss you.”

Your bottom lip trembles and all you feel is your heart race as butterflies flutter like crazy inside you.

Your life doesn’t feel complete because Levi still isn’t with you, but you feel safe and like the stars finally returned to orbit to give light to the world. Yes, you did heal from your deep wounds without him, you couldn’t have him with you, but the one thing that didn’t change throughout it all was your feelings for him; they burn just as hot, and drive you just as crazy as the first time.

“I miss you too,” you redirect sweetly. “I love you too. I’ve only loved you, I will only love you. I can’t love anyone else but you,” you confess, making him smile and lean in.

Yet just as you’re going to relish in the taste of his lips finally on yours, a knock raps on the door.

“Y/N?”

Eric?

Eric!

“What do you want?” You sneer and don’t bother to open the door right away.

“Ben is looking for you. He says it’s urgent.”

You groan and look at Jean one last time. “Let’s continue this later, hm?” You ask.

Jean sighs deeply and has no choice but to give in. “Fine. Just,” he trails off and slams his lips on yours to give you one quick but deep kiss before he pulls back to open the door for you.

“Hey man,” Eric greets Jean with a smug smile.

You storm out of the room and Eric follows after you.

“Why are you still mad, huh? Did I interrupt something?”

When you step out to the main cabin you stop in front of Ben and quickly interject. “What do you want?”

Ben looks away from Reiner and slowly looks at you with concern. “Do you have an extra pack of cigarettes? I left mine in my other coat.”

You clench your fist and give him a tightlipped smile. “That was urgent?” You say through gritted teeth.

Ben nods and glances at Jean sitting down before looking back at you and giving you a cheeky smile. “Yes.”

“I do not carry cigarettes because the last box you had me carry you finished last week. Am I done now?” You sneer. “Or?”

Ben glances at Eric sitting down next to him and they share a look before he nods. “Yeah.”

You let out a deep huff and turn to return to your seat. Jean tries to settle down next to you, but you quickly throw your arms over the empty seat. “Sorry, this seat is taken,” you let him know sweetly.

Jean turns and looks at you with a pointed look. “What do you mean? It’s empty,” he points out.

“It’s Honey’s seat,” you sass him. “She demands to have her own seat. Sorry.” You smile and point at the seat across from you “You can sit there. Mikasa is with Armin. And Eric—”

Just as you say his name your brother slides in the seat across from you as if trying to cockblock Jean from even looking at you.

“…is there,” you finish under your breath and then look back at Jean still baffled by your cat's privileges.

“You’re not serious,” Jean retorts.

“She’s so serious,” Eric rebuttals for you. “Her cat thinks it’s royalty or something. It’s weird.”

Jean glances at your brother and then at the empty seat, and is going to ignore you, but just as he’s going to sit down, your brown cat comes over and hops back on her seat next to yours. She sees Jean too close so she looks at him with her green eyes and lets out a long meow.

“See,” you exclaim with a smirk. “Her own seat. I don’t make the rules.” You shrug.

Jean rolls his eyes and picks up the cat, making her let out an annoyed meow.

“I bought you damn thing now hold it before I accidentally sit on it,” he sasses and plops the cat on your lap as you watch him sit down with bewilderment.

Over the past 2 years, you've been breaking your head wondering, and constantly asking Levi and the others to reveal who gifted you the cat, but no one would say a thing.

Sure sometimes you did think Jean was the one, but since he barely wrote you back he quickly fell off that list. For some time you thought it was Reiner since he seemed to still be fawning over you, but he would’ve said it, so your guess was Levi or Mikasa, but they never said a thing so you were left wondering for 2 years. And now you finally know, and you should’ve known.

“You got her for me?” You probe softly as you hold onto Honey.

Jean drifts his gaze to the corner of his eyes and looks at you as if it’s no big deal. “Yeah,” he responds nonchalantly. “Made Mikasa pick her out to give it to you.”

You scoff softly in disbelief and lean closer to him. “Why didn’t you say so?” You press him.

Jean shrugs. “I was. The cat is a…apology present for how I acted before you left, but then at the last minute,” he sighs. “I chickened out and thought it was better if you didn’t know until I saw you.”

Your heart skips a beat and your smile tugs to a grin before you quickly let go of the cat to lean over and throw your arms around Jean.

It's kind of an awkward hug since you're sitting side by side, but you still hold onto him.

“Thank you,” you whisper softly and gently run your fingers through the ends of his hair, making him shiver and squeeze you gently.

“I knew you'd like it,” he whispers in your ear as he tilts his head closer to you to draw in a small breath as he catches a whiff of your fragrance clinging to your skin. “You smell nice,” he shares.

You smirk and slide your hands down to feel his biceps hiding under his suit. “You do too,” you redirect smugly before you pull back and hug your cat again.

“You know,” Eric adds and taps the table in between you and him. “Back in the city, there’s this guy named Fedric, who is heads over heels for my sister here.”

“Eric,” you try to cut him off.

“No, no, just listen,” he ignores you and smirks. “He’s, like, tall, and buff and has crazy blue eyes. I’m telling her to give it a shot, but she refused. Maybe, you,” he points at Jean. “Can advise her otherwise, considering you’re her best friend.” He shrugs.

You glare at your brother and kick him in the shin under the table, he flinches, but he keeps on a straight face.

“Why don’t you date him,” Jean rebuttals sassily. “Considering the way you’re describing him.”

You snort and smile at your brother, but Eric doesn’t share the same enthusiasm, he fakes laughs instead and mutters. “Funny, funny.”

You snicker at him and then turn to continue talking to Jean. “I hope you got enough sleep—”

“Hey!” Connie cuts in and slides into the empty seat next to Eric. “Does your cat have a diamond hanging off her collar, or am I going crazy?”

You lift your cat and nod. “Yeah, she does. Isn’t she so pretty?” You smile.

Connie squints and then he bursts out laughing. “You’re so weird! It’s a cat!”

You roll your eyes and set your cat down on your lap. “So?” You quip. “What's your point?”

“My point is that it’s an animal,” he explains himself. “It’s weird that you put that shit on her.”

You don’t get his point nor do you want to spend your time arguing, so you drop the subject and return to what you didn’t finish saying. “Anyway! I hope you guys got enough sleep, you guys have a busy schedule today. Plus, a little welcome back celebration hosted by me.”

“What?” Connie gasps.

You smile proudly and nod. “Yeah, after you get finished with all your introduction meetings, we’ll go get ready, have dinner, and then go to a cantina. How fun is that?” You exclaim.

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Eric mutters. “Mikasa is going to get annoyed.”

You flick your wrist to wave him off. “It’s okay. I planned it. I couldn’t hold it in! There’s gonna be dancing, music, old military friends, new friends we’ve made, and drinks. It’s gonna be fun! And who knows Connie, maybe finally you’ll become a man tonight.” You smile sweetly and bat your lashes.

Connie snickers. “Cherry girl, I am a man. I left many ladies crying back in Marley.”

You scrunch your nose in disgust as you don’t find this funny anymore. “That’s gross.”

“You started it,” he snaps.

You groan and glance over at Jean to ask if it’s the same for him, but you catch him already looking at you with a soft smile on his face that makes you wonder.

“What?” You query.

Jean blinks in surprise as he snaps from his stupor, but he doesn’t grow flustered, or lose his smile, he simply shakes his head and interjects softly. “Nothing. You’ve just changed, that's all.”

Your face begins to burn and you’re the one that grows flustered now. “Well,” you whisper. “Yeah.” You laugh and nod. “Yeah. And you don’t stutter anymore. You used to stutter. Is it all the practice back in Marley?” You tease him.

Jean scoffs and grows cocky. “Natural talent, that's all.”

You giggle and shake your head. “Natural talent my ass. I know you, you’re not as smooth as you think you are.”

“Am so,” he quips and tries to slide his hand around your seat's headrest, but his arm slips and falls on your shoulders. He quickly tries to recover but it was too late you proved your point.

“Super smooth,” you say sarcastically.

Jean shrugs and nudges your shoulder with his fingers hovering over it. “You like it.”

You can't help but smile as you look away. And the moment you do you catch both Connie and Eric watching Jean and you with disgust, so you ignore their negativity and just look out the window with a happy smile on your face.

Levi is still missing but you feel content, and your heart feels at ease with the rest of your family finally back home.

——

*LATER THAT NIGHT*

After a long day of waiting for Jean and the others to go through their long meetings, and after a short and kind of chaotic dinner you’re finally living through the part of the night you’ve looked forward to all day, considering you weren’t in their dreadful meetings.

You can’t say that you can party like when you were a soldier—it’s not that you don’t enjoy it, you just can’t bring yourself to get your mind too clouded just in case, but! You do enjoy the music and the vibe!

You just have to back away when Connie and your brother Eric try to force more wine down your throat.

“Jean can do it, I believe you,” you throw him under so he can take your place.

“Hey! Hey!” Connie exclaims and points his finger at you. “Those are not the rules. Coin flipped on you, you, drink!”

He's incredibly drunk.

“Hey, hey!” Eric cuts in and stands up. “You can’t force my sister to drink!” He exclaims and faces Connie with a pointed look.

“Whoa—”

“I can! Drink girl!” He shouts at you and swings his cup at you, causing Connie to burst out laughing.

“That’s what I'm talking about!” Connie exclaims and jumps up to throw his arm around Eric, making them both sway.

You roll your eyes but you still can’t help but smile softly over the fact that they’re getting along well.

However, you use this moment that they’re distracted to back away and escape before they keep pressing you to drink, leaving Jean to deal with them instead.

Sure there’s only so many places to hide in a small place, but you keep moving in between the crowd and actually catch Armin and Mikasa trying to dance along to the music. However, they’re tipsy so it’s not going well.

And luckily they don’t notice you so you keep moving along, but stop when you spot Reiner all by himself in some secluded corner of the cantina.

You haven’t talked to him since he got here, and you’ve been meaning to. You’ve been dreading it but you want to talk to him—should you though?

Yes! You’ve grown up, matured, pondered, and had three years to be upset! You need to make peace with this. He’s the last piece left.

So you walk over to him and casually sit beside him as you keep your eyes on Mikasa and Armin dancing.

“There’s a lot of pretty women out there,” you interject and smile proudly upon seeing your cousin's joy—“Why aren't you dancing? Do you have a girlfriend back in Marley?”

Reiner scoffs. “No,” he mutters. “I can’t seem to find the right one…” he trails off and you feel his stare on you. “You, do you have a…boyfriend?” He whispers hesitantly.

You shake your head. “No, but…” you sigh and glance at Jean, and catch him looking back at you. “…I have my eye on someone.”

You smile at Jean and look away to finally look at Reiner who hasn’t taken his eyes off you.

“Hm,” he hums and averts his gaze to clear his throat before he changes the subject. “Uh, how are you? I mean with everything. The reason why you left,” he says.

You let out a deep breath and shrug. “I’m…fine,” you hesitate to answer. “I’m not angry anymore,” you mention and continue because regardless of other things, he was still there. Once. But enough to motivate you to escape.

“I have nightmares here and there, they won’t go away. And sometimes…it crawls up on me, the fear that someone is around trying to get me…but,” you sigh and smile softly. “I’m okay now. I’m actually doing quite a lot with Historia and my brothers for the Underground. So I’m good.”

A small smile crawls on Reiner’s lips and he nods softly. “That’s good. I’m happy for you,” he says softly and averts his gaze.

“Thank you,” you whisper and shift in your seat to face him with determination to finally address the one thing that matters between him and you. “Reiner.”

Said man slowly meets your gaze and seems to look hopeful.

“I…can forgive you,” you jump straight to the point so he doesn’t get some false expectations about where this is going. “I can forgive you for taking away my best friend. I can forgive you for looking me in the eye all those times and lying to me, I can forgive you because I don’t want to hate you. Because I don’t want that in my heart anymore, but,” exhale deeply and look at him with a long frown. “I won’t forget. I’ll never forget what you did. And I know it might be stupid maybe, petty, but you still lied, and you still took him away from me. He was my best friend. I loved him,” your voice quivers. “And I…liked you, and it hurt.”

Reiner looks as if he was just shot, even though he expected you to say this, your words still wound him and finally make him realize that he and you will always live in the past.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters and scoots forward, making you raise your chin and nod in comprehension.

“Yes, I know you are and I forgive you. I can see us maybe being friends, but nothing else,” you admit the truth. “Do you understand?” You probe so he can get the right idea and not be delusional.

“I,” he breathes out heavily. “I understand.”

You offer him a kind smile and nod. “Good. That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Reiner looks away and quickly cuts in bluntly. “Do you love him?”

You blink in confusion and follow his line of gaze to see him looking at Jean walking over here.

“I…do,” you respond honestly and look back at Reiner curiously. “Why?” You ask.

Reiner snaps his eyes to you and leans forward to grab your hand and offer you a small smile. “Does he make you happy?” He asks.

You laugh softly. “We aren’t together at the moment, but, yes…why?” You probe.

Reiner draws in a deep breath and his smile falters. “That’s all I ask. That’s all I want for you. Even if it’s not with me.”

A pitiful frown tugs on your face. “Reiner,” you whisper.

Said man tugs his smile wider. “I’m happy for you, y/n. I really am. I hope you get everything you want out of life.”

You genuinely smile and nod. “You too, Reiner,” you redirect kindly. “You deserve it.”

Reiner breathes hitches and his smile falters, but he doesn’t break. Especially because Jean reaches the table.

“Sorry, Reiner but I need to talk to y/n,” Jean cuts in, making you let go of Reiner’s hand to twist around slowly and look at him with a quirked brow.

“Need to?” You inquire.

Jean meets your gaze and nods. “I’m not asking. Let’s go.”

Your heart skips a beat and you offer Reiner one last smile before you follow Jean outside.

“What is this about?” You probe without waiting to be away from all the noise. “Are you going to propose to me after our first day back together?” You tease and glance up at the sky, noticing the thick clouds that are quickly rolling in across the canvas, but missing the way he slowly steals a look at you.

“You know,” you add with a smile. “It’s good you didn’t have a girlfriend because I visit your mom often and have occasional lunches with her. It'd be weird.”

Jean scoffs softly. “Well it’s not really your fault, she loves you,” he reminds you of the fact. “She’d be nagging you and me if you didn’t visit.”

You look down at him and smile softly. Jean holds your gaze, and you grow the need to remind him how much you missed him even though the only time you’ve been apart since he’s gotten back was when he was in a meeting room. “I’ve missed you, Jean. I’ve missed talking to you. I…I’ve missed you.”

Jean’s lips curl to a smile. “I’ve missed you too,” he doesn’t hesitate to return to you. “Now come on, just a bit further.”

You shoot him a puzzled look but don’t question him, you just hook your arm around his, and enjoy the peace in the silence at this time of night. You relish in the moist smell of incoming rain and smile at the feeling of his surreal presence.

“You know I think Ben really likes me,” Jean interjects making you look back at him. “Eric though…I think I need to work on him.”

You giggle. “Why?” You mess with him. “We aren’t dating or anything.”

Jean stops, forcing you to do the same and look at him with a playful smirk.

“No? So what are we then?” He quips.

You shrug. “You tell me,” you counter sweetly.

Jean swallows thickly and glances down before he grabs your face and leans in to slam his lips on yours, causing you to gasp softly out of shock, even though you crave the taste of his lips.

He then pulls away to cut off this interaction, but you pull him back in to really remind yourself of the feeling of his soft lips that desperately fall in sync with yours before he takes control and leads you in for an open-mouth kiss, as if he had been starving.

Then again you can’t say you’re any different, you throw your hands around his neck and run them up to clutch onto his hair to keep his mouth on yours as you tease him for a moment, before you slide your tongue over his bottom lip for him to take it in and suck on it as his hands grab onto your face.

You try to make a sound, but he takes your breath away and all you can manage to do is pull away to catch your breath, making him lean in to press gentle kisses on the corner of your mouth.

“Jean,” you whisper between pants.

Said man pulls back and licks his lips as he holds your gaze with a darkened gaze full of lust. “What about now?” He rebuttals. “Do you know what we are now?”

You glance at his lips and smirk as you shrug again. “Tell me.”

Jean grabs your chin and tilts your head up so you can meet his gaze. “You’re mine,” he clarifies. “No amount of space or time ever changed that. Sure I was upset, but I was stupid, and now I know you leaving was for the best,” he admits. “Because look at you. I’m proud of you, my love.”

Your eyes water and your smile trembles as your heart fills with bliss.

“And I like to think I’m a better man too,” he continues. “I’ve grown, matured, and I’m finally ready for a commitment that I was not ready for then.”

You grin and he leans in to press a soft kiss on your forehead before he steps back and slides his hand down to grab yours and tug you with him. “Come,” he points up the road.

However, just as you take a step in that direction drops of rain begin to sprinkle down, making Jean stop and look up.

“We have to hurry,” he cuts in.

Alas, that sprinkle changes to a pour that makes Jean let your hand go and drop his head.

“What?” You quire and grab his arm. “What's wrong? It’s just rain.”

Jean slowly looks up and shakes his head with an annoyed look on his face. “No,” he argues. “I had this entire thing planned with the stars, flowers, and all the stuff you like, but it’s ruined now because of the rain!”

You glance up up but quickly look back down when rain falls in your eyes, and beam at Jean through the thick raindrops. “I like the rain! I like the sound, and I like the sight of it when the light reflects over it for a second before it hits the ground!” You assure him through the pattering. “So, it’s okay!”

You tug him to continue forward, but he doesn’t budge, instead, he stays there and you notice his lips are parted and he’s looking at you with a softened gaze that makes you confused.

“What?” You ask. “What’s wrong?”

Jean's smile wobbles before he blurts, “marry me!”

Your confusion falls and you gasp.

Jean continues to grab your hands and falls on one knee. “I-I know this is our first day back together, we have a lot to catch up on, but I don’t want to waste any more of my time without you,” he exclaims. “I love you. Deeply. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, actually, every time I picture my life, you’re in it. I want to spend the future we fought so hard for to be spent with you. Forever. So please…marry me,” he whispers.

You wipe the tears and the rain off your face, but it’s pointless because more tears and rain stream down your face, leaving you drenched. So you just proceed to throw yourself on him and cry on his shoulder out of pure joy your heart is oozing out.

“Yes,” you cry happily. “I do. I want to spend my life with you too! I want forever with you.” You pull back and grab his wet face, “I love you, Jean Kirstein. You are my sun, you are my moon and my stars. Without you, it’d be like living underground in the dark again. So yes, I want forever with you too.”

Tears mix with the rain on Jean's face and his smile turns to a wide grin before he seals your distance with a passionate kiss, assuring you both of your desires.

——

*15 YEARS LATER*

The air underground isn’t as thick and suffocating as it once was. That stench of moisture, piss, and dirt has somewhat disappeared—that or you’ve grown used to the smell after thirty years.

Then again you would have heard complaints by now if it reeked under here. They wouldn't have kept quiet about that.

Regardless, the darkness underground doesn’t lurk in every corner like before. The houses that once stood tall are left abandoned and only used for criminals and the homeless.

6 years ago thanks to Historia’s help, your brothers, and you were finally able to give everyone a better life they deserve, a chance to live a longer life and not be stuck underground because of greedy people who got your ancestors stuck down here in the first place. Now only criminals run their businesses down here in a crumbling abandoned society.

And the only reason you’re down here is because you want to show your children where you and Levi were born, and that life can be tough but you can move past it, like Levi and Furlan did with you and their lives. Sure your kids don’t like the idea of being down here in a dirty place, they’re used to the sun on their skin, the grass under their toes, and the wind unfurling over their flesh. All they grew up with was a life of full bellies, common colds under warm beds, and attainable medicine. Jean nor you ever let them know suffering.

“When are we leaving? Eirene is coming over today!” You hear your first complaint, and of course, it’s from your six-year-old daughter, Star. She’s just like Jean. Even if Levi says she’s Kenny’s twin, in both appearance and personality.

Which, you don’t know if you should be offended by that or not. He’s your father, but there were also many things wrong with him.

“Aunt Mikasa and your cousin Eirene are not coming over until way later,” you correct Star. “We’ll be back home by then, so,” you sigh. “Why don’t you come help your grandpa here, hm?”

Levi peers over at you with a side glare, so you counter with a smirk.

“Okay!” Star exclaims and leaves her father's side to run over and throw herself on Levi’s lap which is the opposite of what you wanted her to do.

“Girl,” you argue, “that’s not—”

“It’s okay,” Levi cuts you off. “She’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Star groans and lays her head back against Levi’s shoulder. “He’s too heavy, I can’t push him. My arms will break! They almost did so yesterday.”

Jean and you share a teasing look, and just as you're going to play along, someone else cuts in.

“That’s impossible! You can’t break your arms by pushing a wheelchair, isn’t that right, pa?”

Levi shrugs. “I don’t know Lucian, I saw it happen once. But I also saw someone’s hands fall off because they were lazy.”

Lucian, your ten-year-old snickers, whilst Star’s jaw drops.

“That’s impossible,” she argues this time with a pout. “Right…dad?” She peers over at the man walking by your side and her blue eyes fill with worry.

Yet he does a horrible job at consoling her in between his stifled laughs. “Yeah,” he assures her. “Not true…maybe.”

Star sees through his mask hiding his stifled laugh and glares at him before she turns around and hugs Levi’s neck.

“You need a better poker face,” you scold Jean. “You suck and I’m a bad liar.”

Jean clears his throat and shifts the baby in his arms to his other side to let his eyes fully take you in. “I didn’t start it.”

“Yeah and we both know she can’t take it,” you rebuttal.

Jean laughs at the ground before he looks at the baby on his hip to offer her a teasing smile.

“No one appreciates a good joke do they?” He talks to the 8-month-old baby watching him with her deep brown eyes wide-eyed, and full of curiosity. “Will you?” He asks and scratches her little chin, making her laugh.

You smile in awe and grab his arm to lean over towards your baby. “Is your daddy being mean to you, Marceline? Tickling your cute chins, hm?”

The baby coos and stretches her fat arms over to try and grab you, but Jean hugs her against him so you wouldn’t take his little girl from him.

Marceline squeals and pushes herself up to hook her arms around his neck, making Jean press a kiss on her tiny dark curls.

And it seems she knows the reaction she got and what it means because she snuggles her face in the crook of his neck like she tends to do when he gives her any kind of affection. She just loves Jean, even if he and you aren't her biological parents.

Actually, you adopted her not so long ago, six years after the doctor told you that having a third baby would kill you due to your weak immune system. That was actually the reason why you were left in a bad state for weeks after you had Star.

Jean said he didn't want to put your life at risk and live through his worst fear, so you opted for adopting a few months back. And albeit you did worry that she wouldn’t be able to bond with either of you because of the lack of blood connection, you were proven wrong; the three of you instantly connected, and Star and Lucian didn't fail to do the same. Albeit it did take Star some time to get used to her new sister…she…hated her for some time.

But now! She adores her, even if she gets jealous of all the attention the baby gets.

“That’s no fair,” you complain and hug your husband's arm. “She likes you better.”

Jean turns his head to drop his eyes on you and shakes his head with a smirk tugging on his lips nonetheless. “You know that’s not true...but, it’s probably true.”

You know well it’s all a joke, you just like to tease him like now as you roll your eyes, and he reacts by throwing his other arm around your shoulders to keep you at his side the closer you get to your destination.

“But,” Jean whispers. “You’re my favorite girl.”

You can’t help the smile that tugs on your lips, and your heart from skipping a beat. “Good save,” you retort and slide your arm around his waist. “Smooth.”

Jean chuckles lightly. “Always am.”

You giggle and pull away to skip ahead when you approach the rock. The special rock under the gap on the ground that welcomes the sun inside, that was once a shining hope for Levi, Furlan, Isabel, and you.

“We’re here,” you announce proudly and turn to face your family.

Star studies the area and when she sees nothing but dirt and a rock, she scrunches her nose in disgust. “Ew,” she groans.

“Star,” Lucian scolds her. “That’s not nice.”

Your daughter ignores her brother and interjects. “What is this?”

You spin around and rush over to climb on the rock, finding it easier to climb it than when you were a little girl.

“This!” You exclaim happily. “Is a window into my past when Levi and I lived down here.”

You proceed to look around and see that a part of the ceiling has caved in so the gap is more like a decline that lets you come and go outside as you please, and that lets the sunlight shine brighter inside than ever before.

“Why here?” Lucian asks out of genuine curiosity.

“Well,” you sigh. “Back when I was young, people who lived underground couldn’t just go above ground. We needed special permits to live up there. And a lot of people here didn’t have the money, or the right connections to get those, so the only piece we had of the outside world was through gaps. Just like this one.”

Lucian glances up at the gap, making his light brown eyes gleam because of the sun's beam casting inside.

“You’d be here too, Pa?” Star asks Levi.

“Hm,” he agrees and picks up Star to get off his chair and walk towards the rock. “Your mom would love coming here. So we tried to come every weekend.”

Star stares hard at the gap, and Lucian finally breaks away from his spot to climb on with you.

“Do you think Uncle Eric and Uncle Ben came here?” Lucian asks.

You shrug as you take a seat. “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask….what do you think of this?”

Lucian studies his surroundings and he’s not as brazen as Star, you can see the wheels behind his turning as he tries to figure out something nice to say.

“It’s not the best place, not what you’re used to,” you whisper. “But you see that?” You point at the puddle of water across the rock. “At night when the moonlight hits here, all the puddles glimmer, and in the spring, because of the rain, clovers, moss, and wildflowers sprout on the dirt under the gap, and on the rock. In the winter, snow collects inside and people would come to enjoy it even if it was cold.”

Lucian looks at you and flashes you a sweet smile. You grin at him and ruffle his light brown hair.

“I don’t get it,” Star interjects.

“There’s nothing to get,” Levi rebuttals.

Star groans and drops out of Levi’s arms to run to the decline and look up at the sky for a moment before she smiles and runs above ground.

“Sorry,” Jean says as if it’s his fault she doesn’t get the appeal, but you’re glad she doesn’t.

“Well,” Lucian struggles to say. “It’s nice.”

You laugh softly and without having to be told you point your head outside. “You can go too.”

Lucian's eyes widen with guilt, so you offer him an assuring smile. “Go,” you insist. “It’s okay. We’ll be out in a minute.”

Lucian grins at you and quickly slides off the rock to chase after his sister and leave this cave.

“Well I think Marceline likes it,” Jean interjects and stands at the side of the rock.

You look down and just as you’re going to comment, a distant cry breaks in the air, and you know it comes from Star, so Jean and you share a knowing look.

“I’ll go,” he says. “Take the baby.”

You drag yourself to the edge and reach down to take the baby from Jean’s arms.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Star cries out, making Jean shout back.

“I’m goin’!”

You watch Jean jog out of the cave, and lose his figure when he’s above ground. You keep quiet and wait until you don’t hear Star stop crying when Jean tends to her to look down at your baby girl.

“You like it?” You ask her.

Marceline blinks and then begins to gnaw on her own fist.

“Cute,” Levi deadpans.

You snort and look back at him, and catch him carefully climbing up to join your side and look up at the blue sky thousands of miles above you.

“They don’t get it,” he says softly.

You turn Marceline around and let out a soft sigh. “No,” you say. “But I’m glad they don’t…it means we did good…right?”

Levi slides his hands in his pockets and nods in agreement. “Yeah. You did.”

“We did,” you correct him. “You won this war too. We did good. They don’t have to find beauty in this cave to try and stay hopeful. We fought for that.”

Levi hums and peers are you. “Why did you ask if you already know the answer?” He asks with a small smile.

You shrug. “I just wanted your opinion, but I should’ve known better.” You laugh softly and watch the sun ray that shines over the rock, and catch a beautiful orange and black monarch butterfly flutter inside.

“Would you look at that?” You muse to Marceline.

The baby is obvious to the insect until it surprisingly lands on her arm and startles her.

“It’s okay,” you coo. “It won’t hurt you.”

Marceline begins to breathe heavily as her eyes stay trained on the butterfly, but then she abruptly reaches for it.

Luckily though you catch her arm before she can snatch the delicate creature. “Careful,” you warn her sweetly and with a laugh. “Gentle. You have to be kind,” you whisper. “Remember that?”

Marceline shrieks and scares the butterfly away. She doesn’t let that discourage her though and squeals as she leans over to try and capture the butterfly already too far from her grasp.

“It’s gone,” you tell her. “Why don’t you say goodbye, Hm? Goodbye, butterfly.”

Marceline stays quiet for a moment as her eyes follow the butterfly out of the cave. And only once it’s out does she begin to open and close her hand as she mumbles. “Buh-byyy.”

You giggle and nod. “Yes! Good!” You encourage her and look up at Levi with pride before you look back at your daughter as she keeps her hand out as she notices the sunlight dancing on her chubby fingers.

“That’s the sun,” you let her know and put your own palm out.

Marceline glances at the sun on your palm and slaps her hand against yours as if trying to capture it.

“No, silly,” you interject. “It’s the sunlight. You can’t get it. Trust me I’ve tried.”

Marceline studies her hand and slowly turns it before putting her palm over yours so the sun would kiss her hand again.

“Sunlight,” try to make her say it. “Sunlight.”

Marceline giggles and doesn’t dare move her hand so the sun can keep clinging onto her, making you look at her with pride, whilst Levi looks down at the both of you in awe.

This is all he wanted. For you to have a good life, to be happy.

You have that now and much more. He sees that every day and all he can feel is pride and awe for you. He feels grateful that you had a chance to have the world. And yes, it started a bit painful, you knew suffering for some time, but you have all he wanted you to have, love, a future, a legacy, pure joy, and hope and he’s grateful for that every day he sees you.

However, what brings the most pride is that he kept his promise to Kenny, and himself, he took care of you. And that’s why you are and will always be his favorite achievement. You are his pride, his joy, and his hope. Forever.

A/N- Thank you, thank you and thank you a hundred more times to everyone who came along in journey with me and supported this fanfic series!! I really hope you all liked the ending, and I will always be grateful to all of you!! I hope to keep seeing you all around!!

Tagged- @expectoscamander @greenygreenland @that-soft-lesbian-friend @dai-tsukki-desu @usernamehere91 @avocadopoosae @romancried @victor-criss-bish @moo-moo-meadow @stareatceiling @padfootii @ravensleepyeyes @thanosisadilf @dawneee @babyyblueey @leahseclipse @ifimnotabushimnoone @luvelyxp @ameliabs-world @dragon-master-kai

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anonamelie · 4 days

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I can’t remember a time when I didn’t get uncomfortable watching romance on a screen. It was always, “You’re just going through a phase,” or, “You’ll want to be intimate with someone when you’re older.”

They don’t want to learn about why romantic and sexual attraction is different from each other, or how it varies from person to person. I’ve tried to tell people that I don’t feel attraction towards anyone romantically or sexually. It’s not just a phase. It’s been years and I still don’t want intimacy like that with anyone. I’ve had to carry around a bag of different faces for too long, and I’m tired of faking.

I don’t carry around that bag anymore. I chucked it into Crater Lake and watched it fall until it hit the water. I walked away feeling lighter than I’ve ever felt before. I was safe enough to do that, to let all my walls down and throw that bag into the depths below.

I’d rather be able to be myself, to write and to give my all to friendships, than to fake something I will not feel. I want to live authentically, and, most importantly, be able to live.

I may have thrown out that bag full of masks, but I remember how it felt, the urge to start anew and slip one back on. I can’t do that now. I can’t do that again because I like throwing my doors wide open where people can hear me scream, “I am me and I love being me!”

I’m not afraid any more of what people will say when they see me on the street. Although, it took years to get over that anxiety, I’m proud of where I am now. I finally feel like I’m okay, and that’s a huge accomplishment.

It’s okay to not feel okay, and it’s okay to be fearful. Everyone’s journey is different, and I wish you the best.

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thefallennightmare · 1 year

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Broken-twelve

*credit to me(thefallennightmare) for creating the gif. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Pairings: Barry Keoghan x Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, fluff, smut, mentions of alcoholism, and death

Summary: A failed marriage wasn’t in the cards for Reader, she thought she found her happily ever after with Barry. While trying to overcome the heartbreak, a tragic event brings them back together temporarily. Will the devastating loss bring them back together or be what pushes them apart for good?

Authors Note: Things are about to get worse for Reader. Be prepared.

With a soft sigh, I repositioned myself on my bed by bringing my knees up to my chest, arms wrapping around my legs. I stared blankly at the envelope on the other end of my bed as it silently mocked me for not opening it yet. After therapy, Barry and I returned to the house without saying a single word to each other. This session was intense and brought up so many old feelings for him, my parents, and the ex I hadn’t thought about in a long time. It wasn’t Barry’s intention to bring him up, knowing how bad he fucked me up, and I let Barry know that when I sent him a small smile as we stepped inside.

“Look, Y/N,” Bary sighed while linking my hand in his. “I didn’t mean to bring him up.”

I nodded and gave his hand a small squeeze. “I know.”

The sadness that swept over his face made my lips turn down in a frown.

“He fucked you up pretty bad. I don’t want you to go back down that road. I barley pulled you through the first time.”

I did my best to give him a reassuring smile. “I’ll be alright.”

With my back turned to him, I made my way into my room.

Barry bringing up my ex wasn’t what had me in such a sad mood, it was his admittance that even though we had come along way in our relationship, there was no hope for us to get back together. He thought we were better off as friends. Maybe he was right, although I didn’t feel the same.

That was a few hours ago and while I hid in my room, I heard Barry move around the house in the living room and kitchen. He thought I was asleep but all I could do was stare at the envelope in front of me. A handful of times, my fingers reached for it only for me to wrench my hand away as if the idea alone burned my hand.

It wasn’t until Barry softly knocked on the open door that I finally broke away from my trance.

“Did you say something?” I asked quietly.

Barry ran a hand over his jaw, the smooth skin there showed me he had shaved earlier. “Ya doing alright?”

I shrugged, not bothering to hide it. “I’ve been better.”

When he motioned to my bed, I nodded eagerly. All I wanted in this moment was to feel the heat from Barry’s body around me even if we were simply sitting next to each other. He laid his body over the bed horizontally at my feet and fingered the envelope.

“Why are ya so afraid of opening it?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “Maybe Dr. Rogers was right and I’m afraid that once I open it, it will make everything real. Maybe I’m in this make believe world that I’m waiting for them to walk through the front door any moment.”

Barry’s gaze bounced to my parents' room across the hall. The door was closed when I arrived here over a week ago and I had yet to open it.

“They always made me feel welcome, never made us feel like we were rushing into the marriage.”

The corner of my lips curled up. “I was never close with them since they worked a lot when I was growing up but that didn’t stop them from giving us everything we wanted or needed.”

His fingers grazed over the exposed skin of my ankle. “They loved you, Y/N.

I focused on the way his fingers traced my ankle before slowly raising up my thigh and my eyes fluttered shut, a silent moan falling from my lips. The thought of stopping him brushed to the front of my mind because of how he felt about us. He didn’t feel the same about me anymore, not the way I wanted him too but I couldn’t ignore the way my insides burned when Barry’s fingers ghosted the inside of my thigh now. It wasn’t near my core but close enough that I was sure he could feel the heat escaping between my legs.

Suddenly, his words from therapy rang loudly in my head.

“We’re better off as friends.”

Shifting in his touch, I gently removed his hand from in between my thigh and let them fall to the comforter beneath us.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I muttered, not daring to meet his broken eyes.

The loud ping from his phone interrupted Barry, whatever words he was going to say going unsaid, and he pulled it out of his pocket with a sigh. When his shoulders went rigid with hesitation, I sat up straighter in bed.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned.

He hesitated for a few beats. “It’s Nora. I guess a few people want to get together tonight before I head back to the states.”

“Oh,” the disappointment was clear on my face. “You should go. It’ll be good for you to see everyone before you leave.”

I didn’t want him to know that I was slightly upset that he would not spend the rest of his time with me. Selfish, I know. But knowing Nora invited him made the jealousy burn low in my belly.

Barry’s one brow raised in confusion as he remained in his lounged position on my bed. “She invited both of us.”

“She did?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “But they want to meet at O'Malley’s.”

That was why Barry was so hesitant. It was the pub a few blocks away from here and if we went, it would be the first time I had been around that much alcohol since I became sober.

“To be honest, I think it’ll be fun if we go. We haven’t seen our friends in a while,” I said.

��Y/N,” he began.

“I won’t drink,” I assured him. “You can bring me soda or water all night.”

“Are ya sure?” Barry asked.

Not thinking about it, I brushed some hair out of his face while nodding. “You can even hang around me all night to make sure.”

He hummed with my touch then let out a deep breath. “How about we both stay sober?”

“You don’t have to do that,” I shook my head.

“I want to,” Bary smiled. “Whatever helps you tonight, Y/N.”

Beneath the smile, he was upset and hurting by my rejection of his hand between my legs.

My eyes burned with anger at the man that sat at the table across form me, a large smile spreading to his lips. The laughter that emanated from his chest sounded everywhere inside the bar and when he brought the golden liquid to his lips, more intense anger flooded my veins. Our friends sat around him almost blocking his line of sight to me but I knew Barry wouldn’t care if they did. The second we stepped foot into the pub, someone had whisked him away, leaving me standing alone.

As yet another round of drinks were set at the table in front of us, I eyed the tall glass of beer, the cool condensation running down the length of it, and I almost drooled at the sight. Obviously the server did not know about my sobriety when they placed the drink in front of me. The first time it was easy to slide it off to a friend of mine, saying that I’ll drink, eventually. None of our friends knew about my alcoholism and I wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t need their judgement when Barry’s alone was enough to break me the first few days he was here.

The thought of Barry was enough to pull my eyes away from the drink and my stomach dropped like an anchor in the ocean when I realized he wasn’t watching me. His eyes were glued to an old friend of ours; Lori. They chatted quietly amongst themselves, hushed conversation only for the two of them. The booth we all had squeezed into was getting a bit too crammed for my liking and with the way the cold beer was tempting me, I needed to step away fast. I nodded towards one of Barry’s friends who was sitting next to me in the large booth.

“Do you mind if I step out quick?” I asked.

His eyes raked over my chest, my shirt hugging it a bit too much for my liking, and shook his head. “Do you need another drink, Y/N? I can get you whatever you want.”

With the two words drink and Y/N, Barry’s eyes finally snapped away from Lori to the drink in front of me.

“You were drinking?” He asked with brows raised.

Immediately I scoffed while shaking my head. “No, I wasn’t. I can’t say the same thing for you.”

I motioned towards the now two empty glasses in front of him and Barry ran a hand through his hair. But before he could spew whatever excuse he thought of, I held up my hand to stop him.

“I’m going to go order a soda,” I grumbled before motioning for Jake to move again.

Reluctantly, he did and I let out a deep breath in relief that I was walking farther away from the temptation.

The bartender smiled warmly at me when I ordered a soda and while I waited for them to fetch it from the fridge; I glanced back to the table and noticed that Lori had an arm wrapped around Barry’s waist while his own arm rested against the back of the booth, his fingers tickling Lori’s bare shoulder.

I swallowed down the pain I felt clawing at my throat, tears burning to pool form my eyes, and cleared my throat. There was a clear shift between us but I wasn’t sure if it was because of what was said during therapy or because I stopped him earlier in my bedroom.

Fuck, he was confusing. The last week he had been hot and cold with me. Pissed at me for drinking, flirting with me the next. Touching me in places that made my skin rise with desire but then saying there’s no chance we could get back together. The way he was playing with my emotions and feelings fueled the anger that lay dormant in my stomach the last few days and there was a quick thought of maybe he was only flirting with me to get me into bed. Maybe he was horny and needed a quick fuck.

Even if I tried to deny that thought I knew I was right because of how close Lori and Barry were right now. His lips brushing against her ear and when her giggle spread through the pub, I forced myself to turn my back to the table. I gripped the edge of the bar tight and my knuckles went white.

“You’re such a dumbass,” I grumbled to myself.

Barry only wanted one thing from me and when I denied him of that, he moved onto the next girl that would. Exactly like he did with our divorce.

I let out a deep breath after retrieving my soda and walked over to the booth when a petite but annoying voice from the booth behind ours caught my attention.

“I don’t understand why they even came together.”

Nora.

I let out a groan, ready to walk away from her, but her next words froze me in place.

“I was hoping Barry wouldn’t bring her with but it doesn’t even matter since he’s been all over Lori. She doesn’t even like him, she’s only looking for a rebound from Paul,” Nora said to one of her friends.

She didn’t have to say my name; I knew Nora was talking about me.

Her friend spoke next. “I’m surprised they are still around each other. Didn’t they get divorced?”

“I heard she’s been holed up in her parents' house,” Nora said. “She’s been in therapy for the last two weeks.”

The friends' eyes went wide. “For what?”

Nora took a drink. “She’s an alcoholic. I guess she was sober for a while but after her parents died, she started drinking again.”

Anger pulsed through me and I was about to march over there to let them know I could hear their entire conversation. Nora’s next words, however, froze me mid walk.

“Did you hear how her parents died?” When the friend shook their head, Nora continued. “Her dad was driving drunk when he wrapped their car around a tree. Her mom's body was halfway through the windshield when paramedics arrived. My uncle is a cop and was first on the scene and he told me everything. None of this is even public knowledge yet.”

It felt as if someone had punched me hard in the gut, my breath catching in my throat as I let out an choked sob. How could Nora be so vile in sayings things that weren’t true?

“Like father like daughter, I guess,” The friend snickered.

Nora took a dainty sip of her drink and nodded. “Barry told me he would rather be anywhere but staying with her. The only reason he was staying at her place was because she relapsed and since she has no one left, he’s afraid of what she might do. He feels obligated that he has too since they used to be married. Kind of pathetic the lengths Y/N will go to keep him.”

Tears pooled from my eyes with the weight of everything that happened today finally crushing me beneath it. They were sitting directly behind our booth and not exactly talking quietly which is how I heard them. Which also meant that almost everyone at our table heard them as well, including Barry.

Our eyes locked as I stared at him perplexed why he would talk to Nora, out of all people, about something so personal. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks, but I did nothing to stop the salty taste from dripping onto my bottom lip.

“Y/N,” Barry rose from his spot.

“Is it true?” I sobbed. “Is it true that you’re only staying with me because you’re afraid of what I might do?”

He reached for my hand but I smacked it away, the sound of skin on skin getting the attention from all our friends.

“You know the only reason I was staying was because you….” Barry’s voice trailed off.

“Relapsed,” I spat. “Go ahead, you can say it. Apparently you have no problem talking about my personal life with people.”

“It’s not like that,” Barry tried to explain.

“Fuck you, Barry!” I seethed. “I can’t believe I let you back into my life, trusted you, only for you to hurt me all over again!”

The low murmurs of our friends surrounded us and Barry grasped my elbow to lead me away but I ripped myself from him.

“Don’t touch me!”

His hands fell to his sides at my outburst.

“You’re a fucking dick.” I cursed. “I want you out of my house and out of my life.”

“Y/N, please-.”

I cut Barry off with my hand colliding with his cheek.

“You're no different that Ian", I cried.

At the comparison of him to my ex-boyfriend, Barry's eye snapped up and burned deep into my own. The bright glow of the blue quickly overtaken by the darkness of anger.

"I'm nothing like that piece of shit," He growled.

I knew it was a low blow comparing him to the ex that destroyed me but in the heat of the moment, I said those words without even thinking. Though, I was too angry to care how he felt. My pain was worse than his.

"I hate you," I spat words dripping with venom. "I hope I never see you again."

I slammed my shoulder into him as I reached for the bottle of Vodka that someone had bought for the table for a round shots.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Barry demanded.

Ignoring him, I wrapped my lips around the rim of the bottle and drank it dry by the time I reached the door of the pub.

#barry keoghan angst #barry keoghan masterlist #barry keoghan fluff #barry keoghan smut #barry keoghan #barry keoghan gifs #barry keoghan x reader #barry keoghan and reader #barry keoghan reader insert #barry keoghan fanfic

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beestriker015 · 1 year

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Padmé Amidala x male Jedi s/o

(Non-canon AU)

Padmé had always been intrigued by the Jedi and their ways, but one Jedi in particular managed to capture her heart, that being a male apprentice around her age named s/o.

She met s/o when he was assigned to be her bodyguard by his master after she resigned her position as queen of Naboo.

“Hello Senator Amidala, my name’s s/o, I hope we can get along.”

She gives him a friendly smile.

“Likewise s/o, it’s a pleasure to meet you as well.”

Not long after their introductions, s/o and Padmé began to develop a close friendship with each other, always meeting up whenever they could and have discussions about a variety of topics, whether it be the current issues in the senate, or simply the multiple beautiful sights and places that the galaxy has to offer.

Eventually, their friendship began to blossom into something more.

Padmé was falling in love with the young Jedi, but was concerned about her developing feelings for two reasons :

One : He was her best friend, and was afraid of that being put in jeopardy if he didn’t reciprocate her feelings.

Two : He’s training to become a Master Jedi, who have very strict rules about forming emotional attachments such as love.

Unbeknownst to her, s/o held feelings for her, and decided to ask Master Yoda on how he should handle the matter.

“I’m in love Master, but I know that as a Jedi, I shouldn’t have these feelings. Please Master, give me your guidance.”

“Hmm. In love you say you are? A beautiful thing love is. But dangerous, it can also be. For love can lead to obsession, a road to the dark side…that can be. My advice to you young s/o, listen to your heart you should. Only then will you find the answer you seek.”

“I see. Thank you for your advice Master. Yoda.”

S/o then spent the next few days reflecting on Yoda’s advice before finally deciding what to do.

“I’ve listened to my heart, and now I will follow it.”

He says to himself before heading off to find Padmé.

When he finds her, he pulls her aside to talk in private.

“S/o, is something the matter?”

“Padmé, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Ok, what is it s/o?”

He takes in a deep breath before saying what he needs to tell her.

“I love you Padmé. I don’t care that I’m a Jedi, Master Yoda told me to listen to my heart, and it’s telling me that I wanna be with you.”

Her eyes widen before a smile forms on her face.

“I love you too s/o, my heart’s been telling me the exact same thing.”

The two are about to lean in for a kiss, but Padmé stops herself and looks away.

“I’m so sorry s/o, I truly want to be with you, but I don’t want you to get into trouble with the Jedi Council.”

“I love you Padmé, and my heart can’t stand not being with you anymore longer. If the Council has a problem with our relationship, then I’ll just leave the Jedi Order.”

She gasps in shock.

“S/o you can’t! I won’t let you give up being a Jedi because of me!”

He takes Padmé’s hands into his and gives her a reassuring smile.

“The choice is mine and mine alone Padmé. Truth is, I’ve been wanting to leave the Order for a while now, the strict ways of the Jedi have been too taxing on me lately. Wanting to be with you is just the straw that broke the Bantha’s back. Tomorrow, I’ll appear before the Council and announce my intention to leave the Order.”

She slowly takes her hands away from his with a hint of hesitation in her eyes.

“I-If that’s what you truly want s/o, then I guess I can do this.”

She pulls him close and the two finally have their kiss.

When they both pull away, Padmé and s/o stare into each other eyes in pure adoration.

“I love you s/o.”

“I love you too Padmé.”

The next day, s/o addresses the Jedi Council and tells them of his desire to abandon his Jedi training.

While the Master Jedi are shocked at this revelation, they understand his reason and accept his decision.

“You were a great apprentice s/o, and I wish you well in whatever your future holds.”

His former master says to him.

“Thank you Master, I hope your next apprentice won’t be as much of a handful as I was.”

The two laugh before saying their goodbyes.

After leaving the Jedi Order, s/o takes up residency at Padmé’s apartment in Coruscant at her request so that he can spend time with her when his girlfriend’s work at the Senate is finished for the day.

Upon learning of Padmé’s relationship with the former Jedi, her close friends and fellow senators Bail Organa and Mon Mothma are surprised at first, but quickly accept their relationship once they see just how happy s/o makes her.

Despite not being a Jedi anymore, s/o is offered a position in the Grand Army of the Republic as a general by both the Council and Chancellor Palpatine once the war with the Seperatists breaks out and mass amounts of clone troopers are put into production under Republic supervision, an offer that s/o reluctantly accepts.

Despite the ongoing war, s/o and Padmé try to spend time together whenever she’s not occupied with her senator duties and when he’s not off-world fighting battle droids and Separatist forces.

Whenever s/o has to leave Coruscant to fight against the Separatists army, Padmé always gives him a kiss goodbye and sees him off with worry in her eyes.

“Come back to me safe s/o, I love you.”

“I love you too Padmé, and I’ll be back as soon as I can, so try not to worry yourself too much my love.”

No matter what the future for the galaxy may be, one thing’s for sure is that Padmé’s and s/o’s love for one another will remain strong and everlasting.

#star wars #star wars x reader #padme x reader #padme amidala #the clone wars #padme amidala x reader #clone wars x reader #male reader #padme amidala x male reader #star wars x male reader

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blazeismyname · 10 months

Text

Pieces from the first part of my Flower Hsubands fanfic that I'm too afraid to release. I might release it if this post gets enough likes though- (I'm mostly joking but maybe):

"He laughed. "Isn't it obvious? We're dead."

I looked over the grass and rolling hills, speckled with lime green and cyan.

"Is there anyone else here?" I added. If this were heaven, then surely one of the others would be here.

"No, this is a land for you and me. And I've been waiting here... alone," he said. He solemnly placed his head on my shoulder. "I've missed you."" -conversation between Jimmy and Scott directly after Scott lost his final life in 3rd life

"“Scott, you’ve known about this longer than me. How do you feel?” I asked.

“Strange. I’m a whole new me. This is the consequence of getting reborn. But strangely enough, I feel like I’ve always known this was going to be the consequence. I feel like... I always knew I wasn’t going to be fully me anymore,” Scott explained.

"Do-” I hesitated. “Do you think this’ll end badly?”

Scott had a look of concern and questioning. “Why would it?”

“We’re different people… What if we hurt each other?” I worried.

Scott shook his head. “No- We still have our cores. And at our cores, neither of us is one to hurt people on purpose. Plus, I will always love you.”

“I will always love you too…”" -First person from Jimmy, Scott and Jimmy talking about being reborn

"“So, boys, have you started thinking about who you’re bringing to the Rivendell Ball this weekend?” King Aiden asked.

Scott kicked, thinking. “Can I bring another boy?”

Xornoth sighed. “We know you’re gay.”

King Jack chuckled. “Do you think we discriminate?” He gestured to his husband.

Everyone went silent. I thought about the Rivendell Ball. It was the ball where young princes, princesses, and those in between take their current loves and celebrate another year without the fall of empires. It was super prestigious and only happened once a year. Many of us were old enough to go this year, and I was nervous. I didn’t even have a da-

“I’m asking Jimmy,” Scott declared." -Scott deciding to take Jimmy to the Rivendell Ball

"That sounded delicious. “Mm! At least it isn’t another seaweed pancake. They’re good, but I want something different.”

“Now I need to try these mystical seaweed pancakes,” Scott laughed." -Scott and Jimmy talking about Lizzie and Jimmy's breakfast habits

"My face turned sombre as I embraced him. “Would it help if I shared an embarrassing secret?”

“Jimmy-” He wiped his tears. “Is it serious?”

“Not too serious. Just kinda… Funny? I mean, considering our past life and everything, it’s definitely abnormal for a reborn,” I replied.

“Funny?” he puzzled.

I took a breath and took off my shirt like it was some grand reveal. “I have boobs.”

Scott blinked hard for a second, as if in disbelief. “You’re trans?”

“Yep! This fish ain’t cis!” I giggled.

He burst into laughter and hugged me. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was embarrassed-” I stammered. “Especially with the fact I was cis in my last life.”

“Hey! It’s ok, nothing to be embarrassed of,” Scott smiled. “Now you’re the B and the T!”" -Jimmy trying to cheer Scott up by telling him that, funnily enough, he isn't cis in this life

"“Hey, boys! We’re just waiting for Joel!” Lizzie greeted. “And there he is.” Joel swam up through the water entrance in the middle of the floor. His hair was soggy and I let out a little laugh at that. Lizzie helped him out of the water. “You forgot about the roof entrance, didn’t you?”

“I forgot about the roof entrance!” Joel face palmed. Then he pointed at me and Scott." -Joel being a sopping wet cat

"Scott helped me up and wiped the mud off my face with a handkerchief he dipped in the water. “Maybe this is why fish don’t have wings.”

“Hey! I’m a fully capable fish!” I argued. " -Fish really shouldn't fly

"Xornoth has come in late with Joey and almost didn’t get in because Joey insisted on being shirtless. It was all resolved because Xornoth had brought an extra shirt, knowing this would happen." -I had been hyping this up forever just for a small mention

"I looked around us again. Xornoth and Joey were doing Cod knows what. I don’t think either of them knew how to dance. Then they fell to the floor. Scott took a hand off of me and put it over his mouth to cover his laugh.

“You’re related to him?” I teased, pointing at Xornoth.

Scott shook his head jokingly. “Nope, where’d you get that idea?”" -Xornoth and Joey proving that if Xornoth wasn't evil, this would've been a match made in heaven

"He ran as I tried to grapple with what just happened. We were just friends, so why did he kiss me?

Then, looking up, I saw a broken face across the room. Scott, his face was distraught and filled with agony.

I stumbled over my words. “I-”

“Jimmy.. Did you ever love me? Or was I just… An obligation?” Scott asked, marching closer.

“I love you- I- He-” I tried to form a sentence but my head wasn’t clear.

A tear rolled down Scott’s pale cheek. “Enough!” He put his hands out in frustration. And then he gasped. And so did everyone else.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I looked down. Right through me was a blood-stained ice spike. Ice could so easily be broken, and yet it had been running straight through me. Straight through me. The air around me had gone cold. The kind of bitter cold you can smell, that hurts your nose. The tears I cried from the pain and sadness turned to salty ice. And my skin turned pale and my breath clouded as my life gave way to the ice.

“Scott… He kissed me…. I don’t even like him… I love you,” I managed to let escape on my dying icy breath." -This whole scene directly after Sausage kisses Jimmy (IT HAPPENED IN CANON SO I HAD TO)

#writing #fanfiction #empires smp #empires #solidaritygaming #scott smajor #flower husbands #empires season 1 #3rd life

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maddieladner1999 · 1 year

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Bad Idea Right?

A Ricky and EJ fanfic set during season 4 when Ricky visits EJ at college. I really liked a lot of the dialogue from there scene, so I kept most of it and tweaked it to my story.

All rights go to Disney and Tim Federly for characters. I do not own them.

When Ricky and Gina kept having problems between the movie, seeing each other, and Mack always being around, Ricky didn’t know what to do. He’s scared. He hasn’t been this scared in a while, so he does the stupidest thing he could possibly do, goes to visit EJ at college. While looking for his dorm building he finally sees EJ standing on the stairs on the second floor.

EJ: Richard Bowen

Ricky: Elton John

Ej: Welcome to college.

Ricky is taken by EJ into EJ’s room and given a brief tour. He’s staying by himself as an RA so that means he won’t have to worry about any conversation interrupters. EJ tells him that he is no longer speaking to his dad, working 4 jobs, has a full class schedule, weekly practice for the ping pong team, and sectionals is coming up for his acapella group the Blindorphins. No suprise that he stays busy he always has. And of course he’s doing acapella, he always like Blaine the best on glee.

Ricky couldn’t help but notice the guitars. He remembers hearing EJ play for the first time at camp this summer. He never knew EJ even knew how to play guitar, but alas the older boy is full of surprises. Camp also reminds him of trying to hang out with EJ and EJ was too busy. He wonders back on that night to what could’ve happened if he did instead of Gina. He never wouldn’t realized his feelings for Gina probably. He most likely would’ve realized the truth of why he always steals EJs girlfriends. He really just wants EJ. He asks EJ to play him a song

EJ: it might be terrible

Ricky: “all songs might be terrible, Elton.” He loved using his given name. It made him feel things.

EJ: yeah sounds about right. Capo.

Ricky: oh capo? Fancy.

EJ starts singing and Ricky can’t help himself. He’s absolutely in love with the man standing before him. He decides to join in with his struggles in the song too.

Ricky is strolling through Instagram to find Quinn’s latest post featuring Mack and Gina kissing. He’s not even jealous anymore. He just wishes Gina would tell him how she feels. Guess he’ll just have to tell EJ first and see what happens.

EJ comes back and can visibly see something’s wrong

EJ: ok so you wanna grab food? You ok?

Ricky: I am great. Super. Good

EJ grand his phone and sees the pictures. “Hey I know what it feels like. I’m here for you though, unless you wanna be alone.”

Ricky: I thought everything was perfect. It was, for like a second. Just like it was with my parents. Just like it was with nini. Just like it was with my dad and miss freakin jenn. It’s like everyone’s allowed to be ok for like 10 seconds. And then everything falls apart. And then Gina gets this great movie opportunity, and this guy, her childhood crush, is hanging around all the time and it’s like ok I don’t wanna get in her way, but I don’t know what else to do but hide.

EJ: well do you know what she wants?

Ricky: IDK. I’m too afraid to ask. Are you ever like um afraid of the truth?

EJ: I mean not so much anymore.

Ricky: I don’t wanna respond to my moms texts because I don’t wanna know if she’s back with Todd. I’m tanking my senior year instead of applying to colleges or focusing on my grades. I’m just distracted at the fear of losing more people. I’m tired. I’m tired of losing people. I don’t wanna lose Gina but the truth is I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you for quite some time now. I love her I do. But not like that.

EJ: wow that wasn’t what I was expecting.

Ricky: and what were you expecting?

EJ: I thought you’d come here for advice on getting Gina to be 100% yours. I never expected you to secretly harbor feelings for me.

Ricky: well I do. And I have no idea what to do now. Especially since you probably don’t even feel the same way.

EJ: oh. I do though. I have for a while now too. I’m not sure how long but I do. I hated calling you my brother that day at the screening. Especially since I was just so hurt I thought you liked her. I never thought you could ever like me. Clearly, I was wrong.

Ricky: so now what?

EJ: why don’t we get some food and then figure it out. I’m starving

Ricky: ok

EJ orders some food for delivery to campus and the two boys eat on the floor since EJ doesn’t really have a table.

EJ: I am stuffed

Ricky: yeah me too

*thunder rumbles outside*

EJ: no

Ricky: I should probably hit the road before an actual monsoon arrives. Hey I’m sorry for showing up and dropping everything on you earlier. You didn’t ask for that.

EJ throws a balled up paper wrapper at Ricky “actually, I think you’re done talking for a minute.”

EJ: there are a lot of things that I would do different. I wish I would’ve stood up to my dad sooner. I wish I had spent last summer having more fun… there are just so many things that I didn’t get right.

Ricky: I had no idea

EJ: look the point is, sometimes things don’t work out and our job is to just shake it off and hold on to some hope for what’s next. Look… my time at east high is over. And I am so proud of who I am and who I’ve become. And I do love what has come next. But dude there is nothing in this world like high school. Nothing. And I promise you, you will never find another family like the wildcats. Take em in. Love em. Because honestly one of the biggest reasons I stay so busy is because I miss it every single day. And you will too Ricky, I promise you. It happens to every single one of us. And look dude, I think there are plenty of people who do more than worry about you, but you have to actually let them. I mean you have to actually pick up the phone, reach out and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Ricky: that’s not…

EJ: and look Gina is the best. And I am at peace with how things worked out, but you have to tell her the truth. I know you think you’re the guy who runs away and that’s just some personality trait that you have to be stuck with forever. You know something bad happens and you hide like opening night with HSM. And the crazy thing is you think you’re actually helping the other person, but you know what?

Ricky: I’m actually hurting them?

EJ: no you’re actually hurting yourself. Look you can be the guy who runs. You can be. Plenty of people do. But is anybody gonna show up for that guy? You still have plenty of time to change that.

Ricky: (sobs) how?

EJ: if you wanna be happy in the future, you better start speaking your mind to the people you care about. Like right now.

Ricky: okay. Okay. I’m not gonna run away again. I’m not gonna run away this time. I like you EJ. I do. And I need to tell Gina that. And I will.

EJ: ok but it’s storming and I can’t let you drive home in that weather. You can stay here tonight and drive back in the morning.

Ricky: ok but I didn’t plan on staying the night so I don’t have any clothes and you have a twin size bed.

EJ: I’ll make a pallet on the floor and you can borrow some of my stuff.

Ricky: so now what?

EJ kisses Ricky and Ricky finally understands the whole thing about fireworks. Seeing EJ tonight was definitely a bad idea but it’s time he goes after what he wants. It’s the best kiss he’s ever had. But he can’t continue with Gina still being his girlfriend.

Ricky: I’m sorry but I can’t do that to Gina.

EJ: right I shouldn’t have I’m sorry. I’ll get you some clothes.

EJ starts rifling through his stuff and Ricky decides to step in the hall. He texts miss jenn that he can’t make it to rehearsal and calls Gina. She answers. He doesn’t wanna do this over the phone but he can’t keep it to himself any longer. He wants EJ. And he can’t sleep on EJ’s floor next to him tonight and resist him.

Gina: hey Ricky I was just sitting down for dinner is everything ok? I know you went to see EJ

Ricky: yeah I’m still here. It’s raining pretty bad and he refuses to let me drive in the bad weather.

Gina: that’s good. So what’s up?

Ricky: look I love you, I do. But this year has been rough. With Mack, your childhood crush, and the movie. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Gina: what are you talking about?

Ricky: I just had a really long important conversation with EJ and he laid some truths out. I run away from my problems and I know that. And I can’t keep doing it anymore. Running away won’t make it better. This time without you thought has made he realize something. I thought it could work with nini I thought it was supposed to because I’ve known her forever and we’re so good together but as just friends. And then I realized maybe it was you but as always everything bad that could happen happened. I really thought I could be with you and that you were the one and who knows maybe you are. But I think we need to be apart. You can go be with Mack if you want. And I’m sorry for doing this over the phone but I just couldn’t continue on without telling you how I feel. I’ll be back tomorrow

Gina: you’re right. This isn’t working. I tried the best I could but you still slipped away. I couldn’t stop you. I understand. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?

Ricky: one more thing.

Gina: what?

Ricky: I like EJ. I didn’t wanna tell you over the phone but I needed you to know. He kissed me. That’s it though. I couldn’t do that to you. But now that we’re over I need to see what happens next here with EJ.

Gina: I always suspected but l wasn’t sure.

Ricky: what?

Gina: you stole his girlfriend twice. You always seemed to care about what EJ was doing. It makes sense now.

Ricky: well I’m sorry again.

Gina: it’s ok. At least it was before we got too serious. Didn’t break my heart Bowen.

Ricky: good. I’ll see you at school?

Gina: yeah. Bye.

Ricky comes back into EJ’s room to find EJ had taken a shower and got him some clothes

EJ: everything ok?

Ricky: yeah. I just broke up with Gina.

EJ: oh. How’d she take it?

Ricky: good. She even apparently kinda suspected I liked you

EJ: oh yeah?

Ricky: yeah. I guess I was a little obvious with my obsession of EJ caswell.

EJ: so everything’s good. No broken hearts? Cause I would never forgive you if you hurt her.

Ricky: yeah everything’s good. We weren’t that serious yet so she’s not hurt.

EJ: ok well I guess you could shower if you want now. I left some clothes on your pallet.

Ricky: ok. I’m gonna do that

While Ricky showered he thought about EJ some more. He’s in his shower using his soap and shampoo. He liked the idea of smelling like EJ. He couldn’t wait to get out and see him again. That scruffy looking dork could be his now. If EJ wasn’t too busy to have him of course.

When Ricky comes out the bathroom he understands the term “coming out the closet” even more. So that’s what he’s gonna do tomorrow. He’s gonna figure out his sexuality and tell everyone in the drama club. They’ll accept him. He knows they will. Carlos, Ashlyn, and Maddox are all part of the community already. And his best friend big red is Bi. And gina already knows. Everything is going to be fine.

EJ: you good?

Ricky: yeah. I’m just not a fan of sleeping on the floor.

EJ: wanna trade?

Ricky: no. I wanna spoon you actually.

EJ: oh? Well then get in.

Ricky gets in the bed and goes to wrap his arm around EJ when EJ turns toward him

EJ: so if you and Gina are over and she knows does that mean we can kiss now?

Ricky: oh I wanna do so much more than kiss you.

______________

EJ’s pov:

EJ kisses Ricky with such force it almost knocks Ricky off the bed. He saves him in great timing though. EJ rolls Ricky on top of him so he won’t have to worry about Ricky falling off the bed and immediately takes off Ricky’s shirt. He’s used to the smell of his soap but he notices it on Ricky. He likes it. As he goes down to pull off Ricky’s pants he takes a moment to let Ricky take off his shirt. Momentarily distracted by Ricky kissing his entire torso up and down he almost forgets what he’s doing. Finally he gets the pants off along with the boxers. Ricky is bigger than he thought he’d be and already fully erected. He realizes he doesn’t completely know that he’s doing so decides on giving a blow job. He flips Ricky over so he can get to the right spot. He knows what he likes so he does it to Ricky. Ricky doesn’t take very long to cum and soon his mouth is full. After that, Ricky is obviously dazed. He doesn’t know what to do know so he cleans Ricky up and kisses him up his torso. Ricky finally has words

Ricky: I thought coming here would be a bad idea actually

EJ: yeah? Was it?

Ricky: no I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had.

EJ: good. So you wanna take a turn now?

Ricky: 1 night and you’re already asking the right questions. Of course I do.

___________

Ricky’s pov:

EJ just gave Ricky the best blowjob of his life and he could feel that EJ was hard. So when he asked if I wanted to return the favor I knew I had to.

I flipped EJ back to his back after slipping off his pajama bottoms and boxers. I thought I was big but man did EJ have an inch or 2 on me. I moved down to get in position and got started on his cock. I did everything the same as he did but faster. EJ was moaning so hard. Once he came, I cleaned him up and kissed him up his torso till I met his lips. This was the best night of my life. But I was tired so I promptly laid down on top of EJ and fell asleep.

The next morning I was still naked and on top of EJ who was of course also naked. I couldn’t help but smile. He looked so cute when he slept. He soon woke up and said good morning. I responded the same and kissed him. I knew I had to get back home but I didn’t wanna leave. After a few minutes of kissing EJ stopped and had some things to say

EJ: well last night was fun.

Ricky: yeah it was. I guess I have to go back now.

EJ: yeah I guess so. I almost forgot you were still in high school.

Ricky: me too. I didn’t even wanna leave.

EJ: well then when you get home go apply to go to school here and work really hard to get in.

Ricky: I will.

EJ: long distance can be hard. Is that something you wanna do or do you wanna wait till senior year is over?

Ricky: I think I’ve waited long enough for the right person I’m not running away from that again

EJ: you really taking my words to heart?

Ricky: yeah. So I guess you can text me your busy schedule and I’ll find time to FaceTime you. And maybe even visit. And you have to come see the show.

EJ: of course I will. So we doing this.

Ricky: yep! I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.

EJ: you should get going soon

Ricky gets up off of EJ and gets dressed in his clothes from yesterday.

Ricky: I guess the pajamas weren’t that necessary after all

EJ: nope. (EJ gets up and puts on his boxers so he’s not naked) but it was still nice to see you in my clothes if only for a minute.

Ricky: well thanks for last night again. It’s time I go after what I want. And who I want.

EJ: hey I’m always here when you need me.

Ricky: well I should get going. (Ricky texts his dad he’s on his way home)

EJ: wait before you go

Ricky: one last kiss for the road?

EJ: no. Well yeah but I wanted to give you something. (EJ hands Ricky his electric guitar)

Ricky: no

EJ: you’ll probably get more use out of this than I will

Ricky: EJ

EJ: please. (EJ kisses Ricky very passionately before taking him into a hug)

Ricky: I love you

EJ: I love you too now get out of here

Ricky: see you at opening night?

EJ: of course and we’ll definitely FaceTime before then

The end.

#hsmtmts #ej caswell #ricky bowen #caswen #fan fiction #badidearight

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glittertimes · 5 months

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A month after my breakup, I was still talking to my ex and saying no every time he asked for a second chance.

2 months after my breakup I was learning how to eat again, I was so anxious at the end of that relationship that I had awful stomachaches and food intolerances. Eventually I just stopped very eating much because I was afraid everything would hurt my stomach. But after the breakup I suddenly got my appetite back and I still have food intolerances but I’m not as scared to eat anymore.

3 months after my breakup I was finally coming to terms with being a lesbian, and finally understanding why the relationship always felt so off and kind of forced. I also started suspecting that I’m probably autistic and that made my life make a lot more sense.

4 months after my breakup I turned 25. I always feel like my birthday is the beginning of the year for me. It’s like I survived whatever happened to me in the past year. I also got to visit my sister in NYC again and she helped me get back on track in school since I’ve been struggling the whole semester.

5 months after my breakup and my nervous system finally feels as regulated as it was before the relationship and I think in someways it’s even better. I don’t shame myself for things as much and the negative self talk isn’t as automatic because I’ve been able to accept so many things about myself, good and bad.

My insomnia also used to be so bad, especially towards the end of that relationship and now I fall asleep so fast and barely wake up in the middle of the night anymore.

#personal

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unfortunate17 · 1 year

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Ooo so what fics have you been imagining exactly??

Right now, I’ve gone down the Wilmon/Young Royals hole when it comes to fics so that’s what I’ll talk about here. There are SO MANY things I want to write/read in this fandom, but some of the headcanons have been stronger than others and there’s too many for them all to be written. Anyway, without further ado:

1. I want to explore how Wilmon’s sexual dynamic changes after the video gets published. This fic would be canon compliant and take place after a lot of the events of the series have shaken out and Wilmon finally have the chance to just be. Except now they have so much time and sometimes, when you have a lot of time, things Simon’s been ignoring start to come out of the woodwork. Namely - everyone on the internet has seen him have sex. When the video first came out, while Wilhelm totally shut out the world, I want Simon to have watched it back over and over and over again, picking himself apart and drowning in the embarrassment and regret of it all. I want it so that he feels exposed now whenever he’s intimate, doesn’t want Wilhelm to get him off, doesn't want Wilhelm to even look at him, wants to be in control, and is deeply, deeply unhappy. I have this vision of the ending where Simon would finally relax again, allow himself to be vulnerable, and Wilhelm would take over with a kind of there you are, I’ve got you kind of vibe.

2. Another exploration of Simon’s arc as Wilhelm grows out of his anxiety with the support of therapy and age and friends/family. I have this line rattling around in my brain: Simon has always held a fundamental belief that Wilhelm’s hurt runs deeper than his own, that his pain is somehow more important than his own. Throughout the series, Simon takes great pride in being able to take care of or protect people, often to his own detriment. He likes being needed. And I don’t think he truly understands the difference between being needed and being wanted. As Wilhelm starts to stand on his own feet and rely less and less on Simon for emotional stability, I want Simon to feel the conflicted horror of realizing that he doesn’t want Wilhelm to get better - because what if he doesn’t need Simon anymore then? What purpose would he have in Wilhelm’s life? What if he is unwanted?

3. (I think I’m going to write this next maybe): Wilhelm is a student at Hillerska, a secretive, expensive boarding school for mutant teenagers, loosely based off of the X-Men comics. I want him to have Storm’s powers of controlling the weather/having the weather reflect his mood. While he’s at Hillerska, he meets Simon, who has seemingly no powers. Mutants are a secret to the rest of the world, and Simon says he’s basically only there because his sister is a mutant (she can talk to animals) and it would be safer for the sake of the secret and if they both boarded at Hillerska. Wille has never seen such an exception made, but he’s not about to question it because he fucking adores having Simon around. They fall for eachother slowly but surely, but Simon keeps pulling away, like he’s afraid. Long story short, Simon does have a power - a very rare one - hint hint, Rogue is my favorite character.

4. (Or maybe I’ll finish this one first instead of the super hero one) I want a fic mainly just for the dynamic of Simon getting a whiplash of Wille’s personality HAHA and I’ve never written an office romance before sooo. Wilhelm would be in some position of corporate power, a senior partner at some firm, a director somewhere etc. And he definitely only got this position because of his family connections. While he’s good at his job, he’s a little too young and a little too inexperienced to have actually worked his way up there. Simon joins in an entry-level position and he’s shocked to learn that his skip level leader is his age but when the CEO says that Wille is her son, it all starts to come together. It also doesn’t help that Wilhelm is a bit detached and uncaring as a people leader but Simon doesn’t have room to complain, he really needs to keep this job so he shuts his mouth and puts his head down. His manager, August, might potentially be worse than Simon - he keeps taking credit for other people’s work and while Simon often takes no shit, again he really needs this fucking job. Eventually, one day, Wilhelm comes over to speak to him and to Simon’s shock, he asks him out. All of Simon’s friends tell Simon not to go, that Wille is likely just using him, but Simon is too fucking curious for his own good and Wille’s easy on the eyes so he does - and it turns out that Wilhelm is actually the nicest person ever? LOL

5. (this is not going to be like, irl accurate but idc) A really angsty/melo-dramatic fic that’s summed up with: If this is their happily ever after, why aren’t they happy? I want Wilmon to be married, but for Wilhelm to remain Crown Prince. Simon absolutely loathes royal life, but he loves Wilhelm. And Wilhelm still feels a strong sense of guilt induced duty, especially now that he’s been allowed to keep Simon at his side. Still, some days he feels as though he can barely bear it. One day, they have a blow-up argument about something trivially silly and Simon goes back to his mom’s house for a few weeks to cool off. He tells Wille that he needs to reevaluate their relationship and their priorities and Wilhelm doesn’t think he’s ever been as cold as he is at that moment. The main problem is that the things that Simon hates about their life cannot be fixed - whether or not Wilhelm abdicates, he will be hounded for the rest of his life, he will never be allowed to live in a normal apartment, he will always need to have security, and the press will only become more invasive. Simon had once said that Wilhelm was worth it, but now Wilhelm’s not so sure that Simon means it anymore. Security follows Simon back to Bjarstad, where unbeknownst to Simon, they keep sending Wilhelm updates on his whereabouts and doings. Wilhelm wants them to stop, but he also misses Simon like a missing limb, so he doesn’t say anything even if he knows it's wrong. Pretty soon, Wille is looking at pictures of Simon laughing in restaurants and playing soccer out on the old field and volunteering at the local church. And despite all the benefits of Wilhelm’s wealth and power and privilege that they both have enjoyed over the years, the sentiment that Wilhelm has ruined Simon’s life has never felt more real.

#honestly there’s MORE #ty for asking though I love love talking about fic #ask

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whatsnewalycat · 1 year

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Would love to hear your thoughts on Barry finale👀

OK HELL YEAH

I’ve been marinading in it, and my thoughts will probably change the more that it soaks in and when I read other people’s takes and stuff, because that often presents viewpoints I hadn’t considered.

BUT!!!! RIGHT NOW!

I loved it, even though I am still reeling from the last shot and waffling on its meaning.

Sally’s confession to John is the first time she’s been able to be truthful with him. All of the scenes of sally since the flash-forward, especially those with John, the sense of her being hollow and deeply unhappy is palpable. So much weight was lifted from her shoulders when she told him who she and her father are (even though it’s a fucked up thing to tell a 7 year-old) and she was finally able to allow herself to connect with her son. Her honesty was freedom.

Hank. My sweet, tragic Hank. He would rather die in denial than admit responsibility for Cristobal’s murder. He’s fucking terrified to really look at himself in the mirror and admit to what he became. And he’s so fucking angry at Fuches for seeing through all the lies he’s weaved for himself and others, for seeing behind the curtain. I’m not sure if it’s more his denial or misplaced anger that cause the shootout, or equal parts of both.

I’m not 100% sure what to make of Gene yet. I think it’s tragic that he ends up taking the fall for everything. He loved Janice so much. I think his real downfall was greed, and that spotlight hunger. He let it compromise his morals. He knew what Barry did and didn’t give Janice justice. Although, the morality surrounding Gene and Barry is a whole muddy clusterfuck. I do think it’s telling that he considered exploiting her death once he heard a big name would play his character. His reasons for killing Barry seem self-centered to me. It wasn’t enough for Barry to be a serial killer, or a bad person, for Gene to kill him. When the narrative surrounding Gene’s life started to sour and his legacy was destroyed, that was when Gene did it, right when Barry was just deciding to take responsibility and turn himself in.

But on the other hand, maybe that was just the last straw and Gene said fuck it with what other people think, make me a bad guy, I don’t fucking care anymore, he just needs to be stopped. Nothing left to lose.

Barry had a chance to save himself, but didn’t take it. Just like Hank. He would rather continue living in hiding, hurting sally and john, than take responsibility for just a fraction of what he did. Once he lost sally and john, that was rock bottom, and he was finally starting to entertain the idea of turning himself in. And then gene shot him. I think, honestly, that was the only way Barry was going to stop. He was so deeply entrenched in denial, so committed to the narrative he built for himself, I don’t know that he would have actually turned himself in.

I really adored the role Fuches played in everything. Throughout most of the series, I love-hated him. He kept pulling Barry back into darkness (was it ever escapable, though? not sure) and was vengeful, deceitful, and selfish. But what he explains to hank, about how he realized who he was while in prison, shows that he understands the truth is freeing. He saves John at the risk of his own life and returns him to Barry, almost like… an eye for an eye? Like a reconciliation? He might have destroyed Barry, but he saved his son and dropped the vendetta. I thought it was interesting that him of all people learned the lesson, tried to impart it on others, and walked away.

I also don’t know how to feel about John. I love that him and sally got to start a life together. I did notice that when he told his mom he loved her, she didn’t say it back, and I’m not sure what to make of that. I think sally is and will always be driving life with barry in the backseat, afraid to trust another man. But she’s living and that’s something.

Does John think that his father was a hero, like the movie showed? It confirms what barry always told him. Is that the lie he tells himself? I think his smile when the credits roll indicates yes, and I think that’s both sad and understandable.

#long post #barry #barry finale #barry hbo #barry spoilers

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blonkk · 8 months

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im gonna rant!!!

i’m so tireeddddd of people projecting their pathetic insecurities onto everyone else (me). like i’m sorry you’re afraid to be alone and you don’t know who you are and you’re insecure and you have no courage. not to be a bitch but seriously. idc anymore maybe i am stuck up maybe i do think i’m better than you!! but coming at me because i refuse to do what everyone else does with such contempt and vigour just exposes you. like i have accepted that in my life i will not experience romantic love. not because it doesn’t exist, it does for some people, but i’m not gonna base my entire life and goals around meeting someone, falling in love, marrying them and having their children. i’d be ready to end my shit right now if those were my goals, being 28 and not even having a boyfriend. that means i’ve already failed at life but i knowwww i’m still a caterpillar. like be serious. sooooo yeah, sorry that in your narrow worldview everyone needs to basically get married and have kids, and there’s “someone out there for you” — what so all women gotta find that person by age 30 or our lives are over?? 😂 you delusional weirdos sound like hardcore christians. like maybe there is someone for me who i’ll meet when i’m 45 or 70! maybe i’ll never meet them! maybe there isn’t anyone because that’s just the way the world is! but i’m selfish because i don’t want to spend my life being miserable because i can’t find love and place all chances of future happiness on this person and the privilege of bearing/raising their kids??!!? so i should just settle for second best — of something i don’t even WANT — because everyone says it’s the point of life?… anyways

i’m just annoyed like i said. i can accept a loveless life, it’s hard but i’m ok lol. yeah it gets sad and lonely sometimes but truth is i have a pretty wonderful life that i’m thankful for, despite sadness, loneliness, grief etc. being in love won’t improve things in any significant way imo. i don’t want to be isolated in a relationship with a man. i don’t want to live with a man. i don’t want to have kids. i like my life; i like my 50 year old snowboard bum roommate, i like my shit car, i like having the ability to do whatever i want. i like bouncing from job to job, despite the financial insecurity and general lack of stability; all my life i’ve wanted to be free and independent, and i finally am — i can take care of myself which is what matters. i love my friends, i love exploring different hobbies and places and careers. i am literally unemployed and haven’t been this happy in a long, long time. i’m so sick of people telling me they “want me to be happy” but ignore me when i say i finally truly am. they just want to shove me in their stifling little box with them for god knows what reason. just because you think your life is perfect doesn’t mean it will be for everyone. idk, things change! maybe i’ll change too! but for now shut the fuck up. go be in your annoying relationship with your insufferable bf/husband and tell everyone how much were missing out on by not being married/having kids. the gals a couple feminist waves back beg to differ along with the steadily rising divorce rates and rapidly declining marriage and birth rates.

you’re the one who’s unhappy. if not, then you simply lack compassion and general respect for others. your worldview is small and you’re ignorant. your life is yours, others have different wants and will follow the path that leads them to those things. we all suffer for our choices — sure, i may wish at times i had a spouse and a house and a mouse. that doesn’t mean it’s what i have always wanted deep deep down. it means it’s normal to wonder what it would be like to have what you don’t and yearn a little sometimes. BUT i’d literally never give up my freedom. i think back to high school often and how restricted i felt; i couldn’t breathe. i flailed in that environment because it was so rigid. i’m never, ever going back to that, ever. i have self respect

#dni #this was a lot my b #had to get it off me chesticles #sometimes i just want to shake people #like girl….congrats you got married….wow…women have been doing that forever lol #do something cool or different #like i’m tired of acting like it’s some big accomplishment to find love #idc #call #me bitter #call me whatever you want #i’m happy for my friends etc when they’re happily ina relationship or get married don’t get me wrong #the line is crossed when they act like it’s the point of life #and project unasked for pity on me #like seriously. you’ve done what women have been forced to do for millennia #…congrats? ig #anyways

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maxthefryingpan12 · 1 year

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I’m not as pure as you believe I am.//Armin Arlert x Titan Shifter!Fem!Reader

Because I’m on an Armin high right now. And I am not in the mood to write anything else.

Summary: You and Armin are a couple. You are very afraid of what he’ll think of you when you reveal that you and your family are titan shifters. You are aware that when Erwin makes the call you are obligated to turn. It scares you to death, but you know you can’t falter. Thankfully, Armin is there to help take care of you when you’re too exhausted from the mission.

Warnings: violence, swearing, Anxiety, mentions of death, My OC (it’s not Y/N, she’s important to Y/N’s story though. And she helps you take a relaxing bath. She’s a mother figure, don’t worry.), Fluff, past trauma, revenge, masking exhaustion, being a mother in place of an actual mother, etc.

Hope y’all enjoy this installment of me putting my OC as Y/N for your viewing pleasure!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He always calls me Angel. I have no Idea why. I love him, I truly do. The nickname gives me butterflies but also a sense of guilt. I don’t know how he thinks I’m an Angel. He saw me threaten to slit a guy’s throat when I was 16. There’s also so much death and destruction in my past that I haven’t told him. Like the guy that dared to kidnap and molest one of my younger sisters. I don’t know how he does it. If anything, HE’S the Angel, not me. I am the demon dragging him to hell. I mean, he saw how willing I was to decapitate someone at Levi’s order to kill without hesitation. And he saw how relentless I was when I was ordered to kill Kenny Ackerman. I don’t understand how he still calls me Angel. Especially since I’m a titan.

Revealing what I truly am to him scares me to death. I don’t want him to think that I’m a monster. That would be the worst feeling in the world.

I’ve raised my siblings, been stabbed, shot, punched, sexually assaulted, and abused, and yet, I’m scared of what he’ll think.

I can’t dwell on it too much though. Right now, we’re on a mission, resealing the holes Bertholdt and Reiner created five years ago.

Bertholdt just shifted into his titan form, would’ve done serious damage to me and my gear if it weren’t for my various Titan abilities that carried into my human form. My goal right now was to find Armin, my boyfriend. With Hange squad behind me I made my way towards Levi squad.

Armin was freaking out, clearly very stressed. With no time to waste I landed in front of him and put my swords away.

“Armin, take my hands.” I commanded, speed walking towards him.

“Angel! You’re alright! I’m so glad!” He looked a little relieved as his eyes fell on my face.

I took his shaking hands in mine. “Deep breaths, hun. Clear your mind so you can think.” I comforted.

He took a few deep breaths before I heard a sharp, long whistle.

Four counts long, the whistle to turn to Titan form.

I turned my head in that direction.

“Did you hear a whistle? Which one?” Hange asked excitedly.

“You all have to trust me, okay? In the events happening next, I promise I won’t hurt you on purpose.” I looked back at the people around me.

“Angel, what are you saying? What do you mean?” Armin furrowed his brows in worry.

The feeling of anxiety, guilt, and fear nestled in the pit of my stomach.

“Just please trust me. I promise I’ll make sure we’ll make it out alive.” With one final glance at Armin’s worried face, I pulled away and used my ODM gear to fly off to a point where I won’t hurt someone when I go Titan.

I took my knife from my boot and sliced my hand open.

Objective: kill the beast titan and get everyone home safe.

I reminded myself. With that I had an adrenaline rush, I wasn’t in free-fall anymore but instead crouched on the ground and my head being over the buildings.

“Everyone! Attach yourself to her collar! And prepare for a bumpy ride! Eren! Climb on her back!” Hange ordered.

I felt a few dozen pairs of feet land on my shoulders and back. My skin and flesh morphed and shifted so that Eren had secure handles on my back for his hands and feet and make a cavity in which the scouts using me as a war horse could stay safe and protected.

Once Eren was secure I stood at my full height, about half the size of the colossal. The armored titan came into view, running at me full speed. I easily picked him up and grew in size, the same size as the colossal Titan.

With my eyes on my target, I launched Reiner at the Beat Titan, effectively knocking it down. Bertholdt turned to me, I ran full force at him and picked him up almost just as easily. With both hands holding him over my head I reeled back and launched him at the Beast Titan.

From there I began to step back a few paces before running at the wall. I jumped at just the right moment to get over the wall and not crush anything. My flesh reverted to its original state so the people and titan on my back can get off.

“Detach!” Hange yelled.

Seconds before I hit the ground and rolled the last person escaped from my back.

“RAAAAGE!!!” Erwin yelled.

My body shrunk to a little bigger than the Titan I was about to fight. He had pushed off the two titans I’d thrown at him and was now up.

“Y/N, come with me. You’ll no longer be used as a weapon.” The beast spoke.

“Lies, I see the way Braun and Bertholdt are always completing missions you command them to do. And why the hell should I trust you when you killed my mother and are working with my father?” My distorted voice spoke with white hot rage.

“He just wants you to be free.” The beast attempted.

“Lies! He just wants me to be his puppet. He only wants to use me to save his ass! I will NEVER bend will to him.” I yelled.

“Then we’ll have to take you by force.” The titan spoke.

“Over my dead corpse.” With that my legs pistoned into the earth as I ran at him and lunged.

Seeing his face brought the memory of my mother rushing to put the five of her children, including me, on horseback. The day she sacrificed her life to keep us safe. The day she had me promise her to always protect my siblings and take care of them. The day she sent me to live inside the walls and to find Erwin to raise us.

I hated him for it. He’s the reason my siblings starved for five years searching for scraps. He’s the reason the five of us had to make a cuddle pile with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa just to stay warm enough to make it through the winter nights. He’s the reason I had been on the streets long enough to be raped. He’s the reason we all have PTSD from being raped. He’s the reason we’ve suffered so much.

I got lost in my anger as I ripped him apart. He called multiple times for backup from the titans forming a line back none came to his aid on account of the fact that my growl sends them away, instead they kept walking away per my command.

By the time my mind became my own again I had captured all three shifter and they were safely in my mouth, passed out due to the knockout effect of my saliva.

A whistle.

Not even one count, come back.

Following Erwin’s unspoken order I came back towards the wall, the hole was now plugged up and Eren was coming to the wagon.

I shrunk and kneeled.

“Drop them.” Erwin commanded, pointing at the cart.

I followed his orders and dropped the three men onto the cart.

“Good girl,” Erwin praised, “you can revert back to human form.”

I laid down and burst through the nape of my Titan’s neck. I pulled uselessly at the strings of flesh attached to my limbs. I was so fatigued that I couldn’t actually pull myself free without help.

“Do you need help?” I heard a familiar, soothing voice call from the ground.

“Yes please.” I replied weakly.

Suddenly Armin was kneeling next to me.

Here it is… the words that are going to break me…

“C’mon, let’s get you back on the ground, Angel.” Armin said as he cut the last of what was tethering me to my titan body.

My eyes widened and tears pricked at the edges as he turned to me to pick me up. I let him pick me up and carry me to his horse as my mind was racing.

Was he going to break up with me when we got back to the base? Why was he being so sweet to me? Why isn’t he calling me a monster?

He situated me against his chest after he got on his horse, and he gave me a kiss on top of my head.

“You did so well, Angel. Thank you for keeping your promises.” He kissed the top of my head again and held me tight against his frame.

“Let’s move out! Mission accomplished!” Erwin barked.

Within a few minutes we were on the move, heading back to the walls that haven’t been breached.

On the way back, Armin kept whispering how good I did and how he would make sure that I was well taken care of when we got back. It calmed my thoughts a lot, but I still had this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was putting up a facade to not embarrass me as much when he broke up with me.

When we got back, I had gotten some rest which allowed me to assure my siblings that I was just fine as we were passing through. I still couldn’t stand on my own once we got back to the base.

“Help me get her to the tub, Armin.” Nyx told Armin as she came out of the front door. “Poor thing looks exhausted and in need of some TLC.”

Armin carried me to Erwin’s personal bathroom and set me down as Nyx started the water.

The woman was 5’4” and had short brown hair, her eyes were a deep shade of brown and she wore the normal scout uniform.

“You can go now, Cadet.” She smiled at Armin, “I promise I’ll take good care of her.”

“Yes, Captain Smith.” With that, Armin gave me a quick peck on the cheek before leaving.

Once the door closed, she turned to me. “C’mon, let’s get you in the bath, hun.”

She helped me undress and once I shed the last piece of clothing on my body, she picked me up in her toned arms and placed me in the tub. She’d already shed her uniform jacket and rolled up the sleeves of her dress shirt.

“Thank you.” I muttered quietly.

“It’s no problem, you look like you needed one to relax. I’ll be right back.” She got up and walked outside the door into Erwin’s office. “Armin, can you grab her a fresh set of clothes to rest in? I’d do it myself, but I don’t want to leave her in there alone for too long.”

“Of course, Captain. I’ll go get a fresh set of clothes.” I heard Armin reply.

“Okay, let’s get you washed up.” Nyx came back in the room and sat on a stool.

She worked the soap into my hair delicately, making sure not to pull on it. When it came time to wash my body, she had me stand up and brace myself against the wall as she scrubbed the dirt and grime from my skin.

She let me lay back down in the hot bath once she was satisfied with the rest of the dirt being gone. She let me relax for a bit while she got some information about how the mission went and ask if anyone was seriously injured enough to need tending to while she grabbed me a nice 'n fluffy towel.

Once she came back, I was hoisted out of the tub and placed on the stool which also had a towel on it. She had my body propped against the wall as she dried me off.

“Okay, let’s get you dressed.” She grabbed my underwear from the pile of clean clothes on the counter.

“Hey, Nyx?” I grabbed her attention softly.

“Yes?” She looked in my tired eyes as she pulled my underwear up my legs.

“Do you think Armin still likes me?” I asked.

“Why would you ask that? Of course he does.” She chuckled, grabbing the pair of fluffy short Armin grabbed for me.

“I just…I’d hate for him to hate me because I can turn into a titan…” I spoke quietly.

“He doesn’t hate you. He knows you can’t control the fact that you have the ability.” She pulled the shorts up my legs.

“But I lied to him for years… I let him believe that I was just talented at using ODM gear…” I spoke.

“Erwin had just finished explaining the fact that you had to hide it for your safety, he knows why.” Nyx reasoned, pulling a hoodie over my head.

No, not just any hoodie, ARMIN’s hoodie. I could tell from the scent, it’s his favorite hoodie with how strong said scent is.

It melted my heart at the fact that he would still give me his hoodie even though I had lied to about being a Titan…

“This his hoodie…” I sniffled, on the verge of tears, “I love him…”

Nyx chuckled softly before placing my favorite pair of slippers on my feet and standing me up to finish pulling up my shorts and underwear.

“He even got me my favorite slippers…” I said, my heart melting with how sweet he was. The fact he even remembered to grab me slippers and actually grabbed them made me melt with adoration.

Nyx opened the door, “You can come get your emotional girlfriend now, Arlert.”

“Awe, Angel, don’t cry. You know I love you; nothing could change that.” Armin took me in his warm arms.

“You remembered to get me slippers…” I whined.

“Of course I did, My Love, I even remembered that those were your favorite.

“I love you…” I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

“I love you too, Angel. Let’s go to my room and braid your hair, yeah?” Armin picked me up bridal-style.

“You’d really do that?” I looked at him with big, loving eyes.

“Of course, Angel. I do it all the time I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.” He kissed my forehead as Nyx handed him my hairbrush and a few hair ties.

“You make me so happy…” I rested my head against his chest.

Armin chuckled and walked out of Erwin’s office.

“Is she alright?” Erwin asked, concerned because it looked like I was about to start crying.

“She’s fine, just tired. She’s kinda emotional when she’s exhausted and she also thought that her being a Titan would change my feelings towards her.” Armin explained.

“Oh, that’s adorable.” Erwin leans in to whisper in Armin’s ear and I hear it as well, “Nyx is the same way after a long mission.” Erwin grinned.

“Erwin!” Nyx gasped.

“What? It’s endearing! And it makes me feel more loved!” Erwin laughed.

“Yes, but not every Cadet in the survey corps needs to know!” Nyx said, exasperated.

Armin walked away so they could have some form of privacy in their playful fight.

Once we got to his room he set me on the bed, the supplies to braid my hair were set on the nightstand. He then went to his closet to change into sleepwear. I kicked my slippers off and placed my feet on the fluffy carpet.

“Okay, let’s do your hair now.” Armin turned to me once he finished changing.

I sunk to the floor carefully and waited for him to sit on the bed behind me. Once he was seated, he handed me his pillow to cuddle with as he braided my hair. Eventually I rested my head against his thigh and began to nod off. His long fingers were so delicate while braiding my hair and were so gentle while he was messaging my scalp.

I woke up when he picked me up and placed me back on the bed.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up, Angel.” He climbed in beside me.

“‘S alright, baby. I just want cuddles.” I let go of the pillow and made grabby hands for him.

He chuckled and raised my head gently before placing the pillow back in place. “C’mere, Angel, I’ve got you.” He pulled me into his chest and kissed the top of my head.

“You missed.” I looked up at him.

“I missed?” Armin looked at me, puzzled.

“My lips are right here, idiot.” I tapped a finger on my bottom lip.

“Of course.” Armin’s warm smile returned as he leaned in to press his lips on mine for a long, romantic kiss.

I hummed in content as I pulled away and snuggled into him.

“Listen, I know you were being anxious, and you were scared. But I promise that I will love you no matter what you do. I know you lied to me about it because you were protecting yourself and your siblings. I love you. Forever, Angel.” He kissed the top of my head.

“I love you too, Armin.” I nuzzled my head in his chest and closed my eyes.

He rubbed my back and arm as my body relaxed fully as sleep overtook my body.

“I’ll see you in the morning, My Love.” He held me tighter to his chest as I drifted into sleep.

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#x reader #aot fanfiction #armin arlert #fluff #armin fluff #armin x reader #attack on titan

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