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skepsiss · 8 months

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Tooth and Nail pt2

Part 2 of this mini-series. I guess I'm writing like 4 mini-series right now. This story is about Eddie being the one to question his sexuality after Steve comes out first. Read the first part to get the full details.

This part is pretty darn sad with a lot of introspection. I put up a mini-poll asking people what they wanted to read the most and Eddie being introspective was winning when I started writing this. I'm likely to write all the options on that poll still, so don't fret. I want to say clearly too that I do not agree with Eddie's thoughts. Sharing your emotions is never selfish and I think the fact that he feels like a burden is something he needs to work through. He is unwell. I'll admit I made myself cry writing this so if you're emotionally fragile like I am (lol) read at your own risk.

TW: Internalized homophobia (he's working through it), self-hatred, brief thoughts on death, mention of war (Vietnam and Korea).

PT1 PT2 PT3

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"I kissed Steve."

"What?" Gareth said, startled as he stared at Eddie.

Eddie was sitting on a beaten-up old armchair in Jeff’s garage; it was night and they’d opened the garage door to let in the summer air. The whole block was having a party and despite the time of night, the street was still alight with lamps and Christmas lights as people mingled in the street. Eddie had taken refuge in the garage (slightly paranoid that someone was going to touch the band equipment) after the first hour of forcing himself to be social. He had a beer in hand, even though he was underage, but it didn’t seem like any of the adults cared as long as they behaved. Hell, Eddie didn’t even live on this block but he was here enough that the neighbours didn’t seem to mind.

“A week and a half ago,” Eddie answered. He was slouching badly with one leg up on the seat, looking as if he was trying to lounge on a satee instead of a corduroy, La-Z-Boy from the 60s.

“Wait–sorry, what?” Gareth asked again, holding his own beer between his knees as he stared at Eddie. He had come to join him a few moments ago since Eddie had been moping by himself, and then they had proceeded to sit in silence until now.

Eddie flicked his gaze over to the younger boy before taking a long sip of his beer as if to say, yeah, you heard right without the willingness to repeat himself. He was quietly pissed, actually, but was chomping at the bit to talk to someone about it.

“So, are you like…” Gareth started, waving one of his hands as if that would fill in the blank.

“I’m fucking straight,” Eddie muttered, looking away and taking another long drink from his beer.

“Then why–” Gareth wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise and anyone who came to talk to Eddie when he was in a mood like this knew that coming in.

“I don’t fucking know!” Eddie grumbled, crossing his other arm over his chest and slouching all the way down in his seat so only his neck was being supported by the back of the chair.

Gareth frowned at him and looked away, no doubt wondering what he should say to all of that. It gave Eddie a moment to calm down and he eventually sat back up.

“I just…” he muttered, speaking into his drink, “I don’t know; it’d be easy if he was a girl. I just wish he was a girl.”

“Eddie…” Gareth mumbled a bit incredulously as he pinched his brows in. His expression was pitying and Eddie hated that it looked like he felt sorry for him. That was annoying and he scowled before looking away.

Eddie’s logic was sound, it didn’t make sense why Gareth would be questioning it. Things would be easier if Steve was just a girl, that way if he had kissed him it wouldn’t be a big deal. Just an oops, sorry, that was uncool, well, anyways, and then they’d move on. He wouldn’t have to be dealing with this crisis of conscience and saying that he was just joking around wouldn’t have blown up in his face–maybe, he wasn’t sure. If Steve was a girl saying that he was joking actually might have blown up in his face more now that he was thinking about it… probably wasn’t cool to yank a girl’s chain like that.

“We were high and I don’t know, I wanted to talk to him about it being fine that he’s gay or whatever and I wasn’t thinking at all and I just…” Eddie sighed heavily and chugged the remainder of his beer. He twisted the pull-tab off and flicked it across the room, aiming for the bin and missing.

“You always want to kiss people when you’re high?” Gareth asked an edge of humour to his voice. He was teasing lightly, but Eddie didn’t have the patience for that kind of crap right now.

“Fuck no,” Eddie grouched, crossing his arms and resuming his earlier position where one of his legs was up and he was slouched into the corner of the seat. “I wouldn’t kiss your ugly mug for money.”

Gareth snorted lightly and took a swig of his beer, letting the moment simmer.

“So…” he continued, glancing at Eddie before looking away sharply, “he get mad or something?”

Eddie groaned as he covered his eyes with the side of his hand, cupping his forehead as he tipped his head back. Why had he brought this up? He didn’t want to talk about this. It had been eating his insides alive, but he didn’t actually want to talk about it. What was Gareth going to do? Tell him the magic words to make Steve like him again?

“I told him I was joking,” Eddie mumbled, “and that I didn’t mean it–I even apologized, and I don’t fucking apologize to anyone.”

“Tell me about it,” Gareth muttered under his breath and Eddie hucked his empty beer can at his head, forcing Gareth to duck.

“Jesus–” he half laughed, the can knocking against him harmlessly and clattering to the ground, “just saying.”

Eddie flicked him off and motioned to get up. He didn’t need to be here for this, he didn’t want to be around people. This sucked. He could tell that Gareth was trying to be helpful–trying to be a friend–but he didn’t have the patience for it and he didn’t want to have another fight with another friend over something stupid.

Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled over to Gareth before picking up the empty can and chucking it into the garbage. He wasn’t about to leave trash in Jeff’s garage, his parents let them practice there and store their gear most of the time and Eddie wasn’t going to burn this location.

“Say bye to Jeff for me,” Eddie muttered, grouching out of the garage, “and thanks for the food.”

“You going home?” Gareth asked, leaning over the side of his chair to watch Eddie.

“No, this is an illusion,” Eddie mocked, turning and waving his hand in front of his face and giving a manic smile, “the Eddie you know died a long time ago.”

Gareth half laughed, but his brows pinched in at the same time. Eddie didn’t stick around to see if that meant he wanted to say something. He just continued to walk away, turning and hunching his shoulders as he walked past energetic little kids chasing one another and people starting to pack up their dishware. He didn’t feel like unpacking what he had told Gareth or why stating that he had died twisted his guts up into knots. He also didn’t like that he could tell that his upset wasn’t due to the fact that he was lying, but rather that it felt too close to the truth.

Eddie lit a cigarette and started the long walk home. He lost the last of the dusk light halfway through his walk, already two cigarettes down as he got closer to Cherry Street. He wanted to say he ended up there by accident, but that would have been a lie. He walked this way often, actually, and it had been convenient once upon a time. Steve lived on Cherry Street… and Cherry Street backed up onto the forest that connected to the trailer park. A funny coincidence, he had said once to Steve, makes it easier to bother you. That was all too true now though. He was more than a bother.

Eddie stood looming at the end of the street as he stared off towards Steve’s house, the large, stark white structure easy to spot even in the dark. The lawn was lit up by small pot lights and the street lamp across the road shone brightly down onto the sidewalk. Eddie was out of view of any of the windows from his vantage, but he could see the side of the garage and the front of Steve’s house still.

He grumbled miserably and flicked the butt of his cigarette, not bothering to stamp it out before rerouting and taking the long way home. He didn’t want to walk past Steve’s place and risk seeing him, he didn’t know what he’d say if he saw him… he still didn’t really know what had happened. The whole thing felt jumbled in his mind and then crystal clear all at once. He could remember everything so vividly, but it was as if they had been speaking a foreign language to each other: none of it made sense.

Why did he kiss Steve?

Why had that led to Steve getting so angry he nearly got hit?

Why was he such a jackass that seemed to ruin any good thing that happened to him?

It was pitch black by the time Eddie made it home, but he knew the route well enough. The trailer park didn’t have any lights other than the rinky-dink porch lights that some of the homesteads had. It wasn’t that late, but things got dark this far away from town. He came home late like this all the time though, so it wasn’t a surprise when the flyscreen slapped open and Wayne was lounging on the couch. Wayne wasn’t working right now, which was a problem, but they had a small nest egg from the government to live off of for at least a few more weeks. It was amazing how far you could stretch a dollar when you’d been doing it for 20 years.

“That you, Eddie?” Wayne asked, sparing a glance towards the door as a commercial popped onto the screen.

“Yeah…” Eddie mumbled, standing by the front door with his hands in his pockets still. He was looking at the ground, and Eddie wasn’t sure why he felt paralyzed. He didn’t want to move, but he didn’t want to be standing there either… stuck in some kind of limbo.

“You’re home early,” Wayne commented, his tone sounding cautious as if he wasn’t sure if a conversation was going to come out of this, “everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answered, again, not really sure what he was expecting.

Silence drew out between them as Eddie shifted from foot to foot, just wanting to… be around someone. He wasn’t sure if that was right, but he wanted to be invited in or something. He selfishly wanted to be comforted even though he was the problem.

“What’re you watching?” He mumbled, still not looking at Wayne.

“Mash,” Wayne answered easily, “reruns.”

Eddie nodded and sniffed, feeling like a stranger in his own home. Though he supposed that wasn’t right, this was Wayne’s home, he was a guest. He was a guest that had worn out his invitation by years and years. The deal had been until he graduated, but he still hadn’t done that and it was starting to feel like an impossibility. He didn’t want to be a burden though and he knew that getting a job was the next best thing… but he hadn’t been able to force himself to do that yet either.

Slowly, Eddie shuffled over to the couch and sat down a cushion width away from his uncle, looking up at the TV. The commercials were ending and Eddie felt his throat tighten as he tried to push himself into small talk.

“Is it a good episode?” He asked, having seen most of MASH living here with Wayne. He liked the show, and Eddie could understand why. All the characters questioned why they were at war and the ethics of it all. Made sense for someone like Wayne to get some kind of catharsis from the show after coming home from ‘Nam all those years ago.

“It’s the one where Hawkeye tries to get ribs sent from Chicago to Korea,” Wayne explained, sipping the drink he had in his hand and looking back at the TV.

Eddie snorted slightly, remembering the episode. He toed his shoes off and tucked up onto the couch so he could rest his chin on his knees, the room falling into silence except for the murmur of the TV and the tell-tale M*A*S*H song in the background. It was easy to watch and Eddie stared at the grainy images on the screen as Wayne and him shared the living room. He always liked that he could be quiet with Wayne, but it felt a bit forced on his part tonight.

A commercial broke up the episode and Eddie sighed, not looking at Wayne as he tipped his head to the side before chewing his lip and finally speaking.

“You ever… had a fight with a friend?” Eddie asked quietly, not liking the sound of his own voice right now. It was quiet for a beat before Wayne responded, his tone calm.

“Sure,” he said easily, obviously waiting for Eddie to continue, “you… have a fight with the band?”

“Steve,” Eddie mumbled, shaking his head no to Wayne’s assumption as he picked off the black polish on his nails.

“What did you do… to fix it?” Eddie asked, still not looking up.

“Apologized… talked, bought them a beer,” Wayne offered loosely, “depends on what the fight was about.”

Eddie nodded solemnly, not liking that there wasn’t some magic answer to his query. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he didn’t feel like elaborating his problem either. So he just nodded and picked at his nails, waffling for a long time before more words tumbled out of him.

“Do you think… people just… dislike me?” Eddie asked, his lip quivering a bit before he got control of it, swallowing hard to hide his emotions. Wayne didn’t say anything right away which forced a bitter laugh from Eddie’s lungs.

“Like, I’m difficult, I know it, people don’t like difficult but sometimes…” Eddie smiled sadly as he held back his emotions, hiding his face between his knees again, “something even when I’m around people that are… like me, I’m just… different.”

Eddie didn’t like the words that were slipping out of him, why he felt like this was related to what had happened with Steve, or why he was saying it to begin with. He didn’t want to talk about this and he didn’t want to put this on Wayne to think about, that wasn’t fair. Wayne dealt with enough of his bullshit, more than any Uncle should have to, but sometimes Eddie couldn’t help that his uncle felt like the only safe person to talk to.

“It feels like it’s just so easy for me to–” he laughed quietly again, having a harder time holding back the wavering tone of his voice, “--to just–fuck things up with people.”

His body betrayed him and Eddie felt tears slipping down his face and he rushed to push them away so they wouldn’t be seen, still shielded by his knees as he hunched like a gargoyle.

“Eddie–” Wayne started, too much sympathy in his voice.

“Sorry,” Eddie muttered, trying to put levity into his tone, “I know you don’t like it when I drop the f-bomb.”

That was partly true, but Eddie also knew that Wayne didn’t care that much. They swore all the time, he just didn’t like being sworn at.

Wayne went quiet for a moment and Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of any lingering tears that might be holed up in there.

“What’s going on, boy?” Wayne asked, his voice incredibly gentle.

Eddie felt his bottom lip bunch up, hating that any time Wayne sounded like that Eddie was doomed to start breaking down. It was like a superpower or something–he didn’t know, but Wayne had made him cry dozens of times when he felt on the verge of tears. He always felt selfish seeking out comfort from his uncle when he had already saddled him with so many problems.

“I hate people–” Eddie blubbered, not sure if that was what he really wanted to say but that felt like the strongest phrasing he could find to describe how he felt. He felt so small and so selfish, reverting back to some kind of scared kid who didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions.

Eddie finally looked up, his face wet and his chest tight, and he crawled across the seat cushioned and collapsed onto his side, pressing his face into Wayne’s thigh. He was so pathetic… he was twenty years old and he was crying into his uncle's lap? Eddie the demon, the freak, the devil, metal head, satanic worshipper – yeah right.

“Sometimes it feels like–people just–I’m just–-I’m made to be hated,” he blubbered, hiding his face and gasping through his words. He felt miserable and like he wasn’t really saying what he meant, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say or even why he was doing this right now. It was like hundreds of emotions were trying to fight their way out of his chest and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated it.

Wayne touched the top of his head and Eddie felt himself choke.

Wayne’s touch was gentle and Eddie couldn’t help but sob as he started to stroke the back of his head. It was a subdued affection, but one that Eddie knew was genuine. Wayne wasn’t a man of many words, so sometimes a touch was the best he was going to get. There was a reason why Wayne sometimes felt like the only safe person–even if Eddie still felt like he was a burden to his uncle.

“Everything about me just—” Eddie sobbed, gritting his teeth as he just let his thoughts and feelings freefall from him. “Why am–I—I–why do I like everything people can–can just hate–about me? I don’t like anything normal—I’m just–nothing about me is normal.”

Usually, Eddie was the first one to proclaim that he was different and scream it loudly for people to hear. He’d shout and point and own it and draw all the other weirdos towards him. He was the king of all the freaks, but it felt like he was still an island amongst them. He was always somehow different. Like there was this wall he bumped up against far too easily that would crop up out of nowhere. How he’d say or do something and just fuck everything up in one fell swoop.

Why did he keep giving people new reasons to call him a freak?

“I hate being like this–I hate–I hate that I can’t just–be normal for—for five minutes,” he gasped, feeling that swell of self-hatred rising in his chest, “it’s always my fault–it’s–I’m always… so… difficult. I just—I can’t—...I don’t know why–I don’t—I hate it, I hate it so much.”

He was feeling sorry for himself again and that felt unfair. It didn’t feel like this was something he got to be upset about or something that Wayne or anyone else cared about. It felt unfair to complain to a man who had probably watched dozens of friends die right in front of him during the war; to complain to a man who had taken him in when no one else would and had to bear this kind of responsibility when he hadn’t asked for it. To have a snot-nosed-brat sobbing in his lap because people didn’t like him. But Eddie was nothing if not selfish.

“I’m so tired of being different–I don’t… I don’t want it anymore–why does it matter so much to people? I just–I don’t want it anymore–It’s–like—I know, I know people hate me—everyone in this goddamn town–people–pe—everyone hates me. Wayne–” he was heaving now as he rambled, everything just spilling out of him in these waves of emotions as each ugly sound crashed into the next. “It’s not fair—I don’t—I don’t want to be the freak–I don’t what—I don’t want to be a loser–to be a drop out–I don’t want—I don’t want to like men–”

The last of his confessions slipped out and Eddie felt his body tighten; his throat felt like it was being ripped apart and his lungs couldn’t pull in enough breath to satiate him. It hurt so badly. It hurt and he hated it and he didn’t know why he said it.

Eddie felt Wayne’s pets pause briefly before picking back up again. That more than anything made Eddie feel ashamed. It made his jaw shake and his shoulders tighten. How fear and sorrow rattled around inside of him at the consequences of his words. He didn’t know what saying them would do–he didn’t mean them. He knew he didn’t mean them–he couldn’t have meant them. Those words were a death sentence.

“It’ll be alright,” Wayne mumbled, the words not sounding as hollow as Eddie thought they would, “I like you plenty.”

Eddie tucked in at the compliment, feeling weak and small as his sobs quieted a bit. His tears didn’t stop, but his chest heaves changed into fluttering gasps as he slowly regained his composure.

“Freaks run in the Munson blood,” Wayne continued and Eddie blubbered a small laugh shifting to press into Wayne’s hip. He was such a child, but he couldn’t help but soak in the comfort.

It was quiet again for some time as Eddie’s crying turned into hiccups and then sniffles, the TV quietly rambling in the background. It took a long while for Eddie to calm down, but Wayne never stopped stroking his hair. He felt wrung out and hollow now, his emotions dull and his body aching from how hard he had cried. Still, it did feel better than when he walked in here.

“I kissed him…” Eddie said quietly. He felt Wayne shift to look down at him, a question in his movement.

“Steve,” Eddie explained, mumbling, “I kissed Steve the other week.”

“I see,” Wayne answered back, obvious awkwardness in his delivery. He had never been good at talking about stuff like this–anything really–but it was obvious that he was trying. “And he doesn’t like that you’re a guy?”

Eddie shook his head, and closed his eyes, tucking in closer still as he pressed his forehead against Wayne’s stomach.

“Steve likes guys,” Eddie sighed, breathing heavily as he wrangled his emotions.

“Alright…” Wayne replied slowly, obviously puzzling through everything. Eddie frowned and tucked in again, hiding as he felt shame wash over him.

“I kissed him…” he explained, sniffing, “and then I told him it was a joke, that I didn’t mean it…”

“Ah…” Wayne answered, sighing a knowing breath. “Did you mean it?”

Eddie swallowed thickly, taking a long time to answer as he pressed hard into Wayne as if he could disappear this way.

“I don’t know…” Eddie replied, his voice muffled. Wayne stroked his head again and Eddie breathed deeply through his mouth, feeling bad for crying all over Wayne’s lap.

“Alright,” Wayne answered simply, not pushing the subject at all. He was good at listening and Eddie quietly appreciated that Wayne always seemed to have time to listen to him ramble. Slowly, Eddie sat back up, his back to Wayne as he hugged his knees and rallied.

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, feeling like he had to apologize for the way he had acted.

Wayne just patted his shoulder and Eddie felt a few tears slip down his cheek as if they had been knocked out of him by his uncle’s kindness. He sniffed hard again before getting off the couch and stumbling into the kitchen to splash water into his face and clean off the snot and tears. Eddie lifted the hem of his shirt to dry his face and then leaned against the kitchen counter, going quiet once more.

“Eddie?” Wayne spoke up and Eddie peered over at him through the cabinet shelf, “try telling your friend the truth.”

Eddie frowned at the suggestion, but he didn’t have it in him to be angry. Still, he didn’t think that was a great idea. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t even sure if he knew what the truth was. How did he feel? Did he like Steve? That felt stupid and the idea made his stomach turn over. What good would a confession do anyway?

“And what’s that?” Eddie asked a bit flippantly, wiping wet strands of hair out of his face.

“That you’re figuring it out and you want to stay friends,” Wayne offered, looking over at Eddie for a moment before turning to look at the TV again.

Eddie stared at the back of his uncle’s head, not sure what to say to that. Was it that simple? It felt like he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that he didn’t know how he felt about something. That he was unsure and vulnerable and scared—it didn’t feel like things were allowed to be that simple.

He didn’t answer Wayne as the TV flicked from image to image painting the dark little trailer in different colours each time. It felt comforting and Eddie appreciated that his Uncle wasn’t smothering him. He was more grateful that Wayne had just… accepted him. He had accepted him like he always did. He hadn’t said anything when Eddie started to grow his hair out or when he got a tattoo, when he flunked school, and now when he had said… he liked men. It had been a surprise to hear himself say those words and there was still deep-rooted shame attached to all of that, but that felt like something he had to unpack on his own. Still, Wayne’s reaction had been the same as it was for all of Eddie’s past transgressions. He’d quietly support him or sigh with worry, but it never seemed to change anything between them.

Eddie shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and went to the fridge. He pulled out a can of beer and walked it over to his uncle, touching the cold metal to Wayne’s forearm so he’d look up.

“Thanks,” he muttered gruffly, looking at Eddie briefly before redirecting his attention to the TV.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, wiping his nose and touching his uncle’s shoulder before stepping away, “thanks.”

PT3

#we stan Wayne Munson in this house #Wayne Munson = best uncle #Eddit is dumb cause he spent all of last fic (the week prior to this)#proclaiming that he loved queer ppl cause they were treated like he is #he thinks queer people are cool but now he's like I CAN'T BE QUEER #that's just cause he's scared of what that means and he has to face so many horrors all the time #doesn't like being hated and sometimes the RSD gets to him #the “being straight” thing is like armor that has just been stripped away and he's been shown he can be hurt here too #he'll learn and grow and eventually love his queer-ness #my_writing #steddie #steve and eddie #eddie munson #steddie fic #my writing #wayne munson #I'm bored so take pt2 early

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mrs-snape5984 · 2 months

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“As long as I'm with you, I've got a smile on my face…”

“Save your tears, it'll be okay. All I know is you're here with me…” (“Here with me” by D4vd)

Suffering from ME/CFS makes me feel like my whole world is falling apart in front of my eyes. Since I’ve already lost so much joy and so many abilities due to this devastating disease, my continuing loss seems to increase even further.

As some of you might know, do I love to write my own stories about Severus and Julia just as much as I enjoy using my tumblr blog as some kind of journal, whenever I’ve commissioned another artwork. It’s my way of rolling out a red carpet for the artists of Snapedom…it’s my way of honouring them for their talent in their profession. Commissioning those amazing people and letting them make my ideas and fantasies come to life, is my very own manner of coping with my physical and emotional pain.

And now, this coping mechanism seems to crumble into pieces as well as everything else, that I’ve already lost! It hurts me to admit, that my brain fog takes advantage of my capability to create vivid images with my words. My thoughts are getting blurry and chaotic. I’m struggling to find the right words to express my emotions (it’s even worse in my native language German than in English!!)…and this scares me to hell!

My mind was the only place, where I could find some shelter from my infuriating and terrifying reality of losing myself to ME/CFS. What if I forfeit my only - just barely existing- talent now?? How should I flee this nightmare of existence if writing wouldn’t be an option anymore?! How should I express my gratitude towards all those marvellous artists of Snapedom, who are all weaving my emotional comfort blanket with each piece of their art?!?

I don’t want to give up on my writing…and I won’t…even though my pride would probably fade away with each badly written chapter of my fictions…and with each unworthy post on my blog. I must admit, that I’m already acknowledging the loss of quality. 🥺

I found an inspiring poem about the importance of staying resilient, no matter how difficult the hardships of life might become, and I want to share it with you:

"KEEP GOING" (Better known as "DON'T QUIT") by Edgar A. Guest

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and debts are high, And you want to smile but have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but DON'T YOU QUIT!

Life is queer with its twists and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won if he'd stuck it out, Don't give up though the pace seems slow, You might succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up, When he might captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown,

Success is failure turned inside out, The silver tint on clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

My dear @mmad-lover, I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for your dedication to this stunning piece of art and believe me, it was worth every single second of waiting! Paula, I was incredibly touched to hear, that my request seemed to be something special, something personal to you. I can assure you, that, indeed, all of my ideas have a profound meaning to me and I’m glad that you’re such an empathetic person, who sensed that particular importance of your art to me. Your devotion to this drawing is palpable in every single detail, every line of your brushes. You created exactly the mood, that I wished for Severus and Julia. It doesn’t matter that the world is burning to the ground around them, they will always have each other’s backs! Just like I’m relying on Severus for more than 21 years now. Thank you for everything, you precious soul! I’m glad that I met you and I hope, we’ll stay in touch. 🥹

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

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dreamcorechild · 10 months

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The clones x reader?

Sure! but ill do them separately. Tw: Might be some smut or Nsfw on Karaku's and Urogi's part so minors dont risk your sanity it ain't worth it.

SEKIDO:

Sekido's girlfriend, [Y/N] looks at him with a cute smile upon her face. She walks up to him and whispers something in his ears.

"Heyyy, Sekido!~ What took you so long?~ I missed youuu~."

The demon is seen to be blushing uncontrollably as he looks at her. He tries his best to ignore her presence.

[Y/N] giggles "What's wrong cutie~?"

Sekido groans as he looks up towards the sky in annoyance. "What have I gotten myself into"

He turns around to face her, still trying to act as 'cold' as passible.

"N-Nothing. I do not want to discuss about it."

Sekido's blush gets brighter as he looks at her with his red eyes. He covers his face with his palm.

Sekido grumbles in annoyance.

"Gah... Stop being so cute... I-Its distracting me..."

Sekido's blush increases once more. He feels his emotions going haywire in his mind.

[Y/N] wraps her arms around his waist "Awww~ You're so cute when you act like this. I just want to bite your ears!" She giggles.

Sekido flinches, his embarrassment level goes from 0-100 once she does that.

"Y-You want to what?"

He tries his best to ignore her, but it seems like her cuteness is getting the better of him. His face turns bright red.

[Y/N] grabs him by the chin, smiling "Baaabyy~ Don't act so embarrassed, it makes me want to do it even moreeee~" She giggles.

Sekido's blush gets even worse, his body starts trembling when she said that. He tries his best to not give in but he couldn't. The demon was completely at a loss for words.

"W-Why you..."

He looked down at her, his face bright red.

[Y/N] smiles, she could tell he was slowly giving in "What, love?~" [Y/N] leans over slightly "I didn't quite hear you..." She giggling gently as she whispered into his ear "Say it again~"

Sekido starts to breath heavily, he looks away at the direction of the sunrise in order to hide his blushes. He tries to speak to her but he couldn't, he stutters and trembles so much to the point that his voice is unable to be heard. His face was so red, he couldn't even hide his emotions.

"L-Let go of me..!!"

He tries his best to get out of her grasp, his arms squirm and tries to move.

The girl holds his face still, still smirking "Hmm? I didn't understand you my love~"

"Were you trying to say I'm yours alone?~" She giggles "Hmm I'm glad you came around to agreeing with me~"

She let go of his face and wrapped her arms around his neck as she looks directly in his eyes.

Sekido sighs in defeat. "Why did she have to be so damn cute..?"

"Y-Yes.."

Sekido whispers quietly to her. He still stutters, his voice is shakable as he tries to speak. It seems that he can't even handle her presence anymore. His arms hung on her shoulders, he tries not to embrace her. But he just couldn't do it, his emotions is getting the better of him.

UROGI:

[Y/N] struggles to be released and tries to pull away from Urogi, but fails to do so.

"Please let me go!!"

"Why would I? After all.. you are so precious to me.. that I can't help but to keep a hold on you~"

Urogi leans in closer to his girlfriend with a wicked smirk on his lips

"You can't escape from me.. My sweet, my love! Not yet~"

"Please... I'll do anything, just let me go! I'll be so so good for you from now on! Just please don't hurt me, please!!"

[Y/N] Was trembling in absolute fear.

"Oh? What would you do then?~ You want me to release you so badly, then beg and beg to me~ That's what would please me the most."

*Urogi chuckled softly, a sadistic smile plastered on his face, his sharp talons now playing with the feather from his wing on her hair.*

[Y/N] whimpers a bit, a desperate look in her eyes.

"Please, I'll do anything! Let me prove to you I'll be a good girl! I'll be a good girlfriend! Just don't hurt me! Please don't use that feather on me... I'll scream so loud, I just want to please you so bad!"

she continues to tremble in fear in Urogi's grasp.

"Oh you will, my cute little girl.~"

Urogi grins before he slowly glides his claw over her cheek, leaving a small cut on the flesh. He leans in closer and whisper into her ear.

"I will make you mine, my little toy to be played with. You will not resist to me.. You want everything I have in store for you~"

Urogi chuckles before he lifts her chin up a little with his claw.

"Right my dear~?"

My my, you are a sensitive one aren't ya?~

Urogi can't help but let out an amused chuckle as he starts tickling her neck and sides gently with his feather

"I love to play and tease you with my feather~ You know why?"

He chuckles to himself before pressing his lips on her neck, planting small and love bites onto her tender skin.

[Y/N] lets out a soft moan and whimpers each time he tickles and bites

"I-I don't know why... T-tell me why, sir... please..."

her heart was beating quickly in excitement, clearly liking what Urogi was doing.

"Well, it is because I enjoy your screams and moans for me.. I love how it makes my heart sing.~"

Urogi whispered seductively on her ear before biting down her neck gently and suck her skin a little. He smiles and nuzzles the back of her neck, purring softly, his tail flicks back and forth in joy.

[Y/N] moans a bit in excitement, her legs weak and heavy from his playful biting and nuzzling, trying to hold herself up by wrapping her arms around him

"Y-yes.. please! I love it when you make me scream and moan, make me scream for you, I want you so bad!"

[Y/N] whimpers in pleasured excitement as Urogi continues to suck her neck and make her feel butterflies in her stomach.

"That's the spirit my sweet little girl.~ You will scream and beg for me from now on.~ You belong to my possession only and no one else."

Urogi continues to suck hard on her neck, leaving a mark of a bite on her skin. He chuckles to himself as his sharp talons dig into her back lightly. He licks her neck and plays with his tongue at her mark. His wings flutter with excitement, his eyes shimmered brightly as he stared deep into her eyes.

[Y/N] moans loudly each time Urogi bites and sucks her neck, whimpering and squirming weakly in his hold

"N-noooo… p-please don't give me to anyone else, make me yours! Make me scream for you always, make me your little toy! I'll love you so much, I'll always worship and serve only you!"

[Y/N] whimpers a bit as she felt his sharp talons dig into her back, her breaths shallow and heavy from her growing excitement.

"My my.. my heart sings louder and louder.. Such a devoted little girl.~ Such a good girl… You have given in so quickly.~ Such a loyal little plaything.~"

Urogi grins and leans in closer to her ear to whisper sweetly.

"You are mine and mine only.~ Nothing will separate us, my dear.~ I will be always by your side~ You will learn to embrace and accept this.."

AIZETSU:

The demons sorrow filled eyes widened, he was having a nightmare. The darkness around him started fading away in an instant. He seemed to have woken up to his reality yet again.. He was now in the comfort of his own room, safe and sound.

"Sigh.."

Aizetsu was crying softly on his bed, his hands covering his face.

"Aizetsu hun! What's wrong~?"

The demons sorrowful eyes looked over at [Y/N], He remained silent for a long time before he spoke up.

"It was a nightmare I just had.."

You could see the slight hints of Aizetsu rubbing his tears away from his delicate eyes.

[Y/N] kneeled down and wiped his tears before pulling him onto her lap

"Aww, I'm sorry hun. What was it all about? Maybe I can help.~"

Aizetsu was caught off guard by [Y/N] kindness. The demons expression was of confusion and surprise.. Yet, he began to smile softly.

"Really? You believe you can help me?"

[Y/N] kept nodding, her tone was sincere and confident

"Of course. We're partners right? We're supposed to be there for each other through anything. Come on, tell me, I'm here for you."

"You sure want to know the details huh?"

Aizetsu chuckled a little, he had never met such a sweet.. Yet, beautiful girl before in his life.

"It was a dream.. A nightmare in fact.."

The devils eyes widened, and he took a deep breath before beginning to speak up.

[Y/N] looked a little concerned after Aizetsu said nightmare, but she put on a reassuring smile when he said he wanted to share the nightmare with her

"Of course hun, you can tell me anything. I'll listen." She kept nodding at him, listening intently

Aizetsu, now calmed from his girlfriends warm and calming atmosphere began to tell her about the nightmare he had.

"I went to another place, it looked like earth. Only much smaller. I saw so many… So many humans killing each other, over an over, day and night."

Aizetsu, had a shocked expression at his own words..

"I saw all the killing, I saw all.. The blood, The cries, Yet, I was the only one who could have stopped it."

[Y/N] had stopped nodding. She couldn't believe what her boyfriend had just described to her

"Aizetsu, why didn't you do anything to stop it? I know you wouldn't let something like that go on without intervening. You would've been their hero."

She held him tight, trying to comfort him without making him upset.

"I… I was a bystander… I saw them, kill each other.. Yet, I was too scared to step in and save them.. I was just a pathetic, disgusting, piece of demon trash. I watched them all die slowly.."

His tears were wetting the girl's shirt and her skin..

"Aizetsu shhhh it's alright. You're far from a disgusting piece of trash. I know you're not pathetic. It's not your fault you were so scared. This sort of thing can even be traumatizing for an adult, so I think you're doing just fine.~~"

[Y/N] continued to hug her boyfriend, caressing his cheek and trying to help him feel better.

Aizetsu felt comforted, He was slowly beginning to stop crying. He leaned his head on [Y/N] shoulder, as she was hugging him tightly.

"T-Thank you hun. For everything.. Even taking care of such a demonic being like me…"

The sorrowful demon was in her loving embrace..

[Y/N] smiled at the small kiss, her hand gently going through his hair

"You and I both know you deserve so much more love than you give yourself… I'm always here for you. Always.~"

"I love you, and I don't care if you're a demon or not. You mean everything to me Aizetsu.~"

The demons eyes widened as [Y/N] kissed him.. He blushed so hard, and his eyes glew even brighter than before. Aizetsu was shocked, yet filled with happiness, The more he looked at her face, the more he started falling in love with her..

"I-I love you as well, Darling…."

Aizetsu, embraced her even tighter.. His voice was so gentle, yet so calming..

[Y/N] let out a small giggle from the kiss and Aizetsu's reaction, her tone was happy and caring

"Aww look how red you are! I can't believe how easily flustered you are sometimes honey. So cute!"

She put her thumbs on his cheeks, tracing his jawline. She then moved down and smiled when she got to his collarbone

"I'm glad you love me.. because I love you so much hun. My heart could just melt in your arms.~"

When [Y/N] was tracing along his collarbone, his breath began to pick up.. His heart, was just full of excitement. He was now blushing really hard, The demon looked so.. Young.. So innocent.. Yet.. Cute..

"H-Hey! I'm not that easily flustered! I-I am a demon.. One of the most powerful ones of all time!"

He mumbled, his face was red as a tomato. It's like he just turned 3 years old all of a sudden. The demons voice was so innocent, yet so soft..

KARAKU:

[Y/N] smiles as she gets in the shower and let's out a sigh.. She then slowly starts to wash herself and her body..

She was washing away the days dirt and sweat as the warm water ran down her body, down her arms, her legs and to her toes.. It was a very peaceful moment, she's so calm, relaxed and free.. Not a care in the world..

"Hey sexy~" Karaku grins as he leans against the shower wall near the shower's door frame. He holds his Uchiwa fan close to his body. He eyes you from head to toe with such a hot and lustful gaze.

He then raises his fan and playfully fans the air towards you. His maple leaf fan's green pattern was very beautiful and alluring.

His bright green eyes stare at you longingly.

[Y/N] looked up at Karaku when she felt the warm air blow in and her back. She giggled when she opened her eyes and saw Karaku's greenish green eyes staring at her

"W-well well well.. What do we have here huh?" She chuckled and winks at him back as he was making her blush a bit "Come here you big dummy~"

[Y/N] held her arms out for him, calling out for him to come close to her so they can shower together and get nice and hot and steaming together.

"Only if we wash eachother up~" Karaku grins widely at you with lust-filled eyes and walks over to you slowly. He puts his fan down on the shower wall and puts his arms around your waist.

He kisses you on the lips and grabs ahold of you as his hands caresses your thighs.

"What a lovely day to spend in the shower with you my dear~"

[Y/N] giggled and blushes as she blushed heavily at Karaku's actions. Her face was red and she could feel Karaku's hot and steamy body up against hers. It made her body burn with pleasure.. The feeling of him caressing her thighs and holding her in his arms made her blush even more. She really loves it when Karaku does this..

"Of course you devilish thing~ Come here so we can make the waters warm and steamy~"

[Y/N] grinned back and kissed him.

"It seems like you love what I'm doing~" Karaku smirked and kissed you back with such passion and desire. His hand slides down to your bottom as he kissed you. He runs his fingernails gently across your thigh.

"Just think of how nice it would be to enjoy this every morning.. It would certainly get me going~"

Karaku grinned and kissed you once again, his fingers still playing with your skin, making your skin tingle with pleasure.

[Y/N] blushes even more and let's out a deep sigh when Karaku touches and caress her thigh with his fingernails. Her skin was tingling and her body was starting to heat up slowly. This is what she likes about Karaku.. His hot body and his hotness was something that warmed her up and made her feel calm and comfortable. She wraps her arms around him and pulled him in for another kiss.. With such a long and passion filled one like never before.

"Now.. I guess we should start washing eachother up~" He smiles at you and brings his fan back once again. He waves it towards you playfully. He then pushes you down into the shower and begins to rub soap all over your body.

He grabs you and caresses you everywhere, making sure to scrub you all over.

His eyes are filled with such fire and passion as he washes your neck, your back and your chest.

"Such a beautiful body, my dear." He grinned at you once again.

"H-Hey.. You cheeky little devil! M-My private place!"

[Y/N] blushed even more and chuckled as Karaku touched her private place. She held his wrist and attempted to stop him, only to fail as he continues to get more heated in his touch. Her skin burned from the heat and it was all thanks to his hand..

"You're not gonna stop till I stop you.." She grinned back and started to rub her hand slowly over his chest. "Now I'll show you more of my beautiful body~"

The touch of your fingers on his chest made Karaku tremble slightly. He smirk. His maple leaf shaped fan falls down on the floor as he gets more turned on. His breath become more heavy and his hot body became much hotter.

He stares at you and grins. Your skin was burning and your body was filled with pleasure from the touch. He kisses you passionately and moves his hands down to your bottom as he continues to massage your body.

[Y/N] blushes even more and lets out a deep sigh as she felt Karaku's hot and wet touch against her body. Her legs were weak as he continued to grope and caress her boobs. She moaned softly and let out a quiet sigh..

"A-ah~ Karaku.. B-babe.. It's so… Hot~"

[Y/N] puts her hands on his back and continues to massage him, her fingers teasing and playing with him.. She's loving this.

He moaned as he continues to touch [Y/N] body. His hand starts to trail down her body and moves down towards her hips. His fingers start to explore every inch of her soft body.

He then kisses her neck and moans in her ear seductively

"This is the best shower I've ever had~"

His voice turned to a deep, smooth and seductive tone.

"Your body is so hot and I'm enjoying it so much~"

"Can I touch you more?~" He whispered.

[Y/N] whole body was burning and tingling from the touch of Karaku's fingers. Her legs felt weak as she couldn't move her feet. Her breath was heavy and her heart was beating rapidly. Her whole body was filled with such pleasure and this was something she can't get enough of with Karaku.

Her face turns all red

"M-mhm.. Y-yes please.. Touch my body more~"

She then caresses his chest more, getting him more turned on as her hand trailed back down to his hips and explored him further..

His hot body starts to shiver as you caress him. His breath becomes even heavier and he starts to pant louder, his hot breath making his nose and mouth all moist and runny.

"Y-you're turning me on so much~" He moaned and bites his lips gently as he continues to touch your body. His hands moves down to your thighs and caresses you down there.

Karaku's body is almost completely covered in sweat now and it was very hot

He stares into your eyes as he moans seductively.

[Y/N] was in complete heaven right now, all thanks to Karaku's actions and actions alone. His hot body was steaming, all hot and sweaty.. It was making her lustful and want him even more.. Her mind went blank but her heart was burning in fire.. Karaku.. Was a man of her dreams. Of her desires.. He makes her feel warm and safe. He turns it all into hotness and pleasure..

"Your hot… My love~"

[Y/N] breathed heavily as Karaku continues to caress her private place, exploring it with his fingers.

"M-my my~ You're making me lose control.. My body is burning up so easily when I'm with you my dear~"

Karaku grins at you as he continues to caress you, his hands slowly trail down your waist towards your thighs. He moans even louder and begins to breathe heavy as his hands explore every inch of your body.

He runs his fingernails across your body and scratches you gently.

"Yessss… Do you know how much I love this~?"

[Y/N] smiled and let out a small moan when Karaku rubbed and touched her with his soap

Her whole body was shaking and steaming up from so much pleasure and lustfulness. Her mind started to go blank as Karaku's hot and burning fingers began to explore her private area and her thighs. Her knees were so weak and she could barely move. All she can do is surrender to Karaku's touch..

"Y-yes.. S-so much.."

She panted out as she continues to caress Karaku's body with her own hands.

"Yessss~ Oh~ You're making my heart race faster than ever~"

Karaku begins to kiss her neck passionately. His tongue begins to explore her neck as his mouth leaves hickey marks. You can feel him grinding against you, he pushes you against the wall, moaning in pleasure.

"Aaaahhhhh, I love you so much.." He whispered in her ear as he continues to touch you below.

[Y/N] moans even louder and moans his name as he begins to give her hickey marks on her neck. She enjoyed the feeling of his lips and his tongue on her neck and she craved for more.. Her arms wrapped around Karaku's back as she continues to caress and explore his body.

"I love you too.. But darling.. I want you to stop this teasing you're doing.. I want to feel more..~"

She whispered in Karaku's ear seductively, moaning his name and begging him to go further.

#demon slayer #karaku #aizetsu #sekido #urogi #karaku x reader #sekido x reader #urogi x reader #aizetsu x reader #kimetsu no yaiba fanfic #demon slayer fanfic #kimestu no yaiba #karaku smut #urogi smut #kny x reader #demon slayer x reader

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staycalmandhugaclone · 1 year

Note

I saw one of your story posts mentioning you might take writing requests for trauma comfort... I've been struggling to write this story myself, and I'm looking for a particular flavor of comfort story.

Everyone seems to always latch on to how Hunter is so perceptive and notices things... but there's things he doesn't notice, even with all his sensitive senses. Particularly when there's not an actual immediate danger with a straightforward solution of "shoot it dead" or "talk to it"

Would you be willing to write something where Crosshair is the one to observe, first notice, and recognize tbe fact their new female member of the team, despite being a very active useful member, is tip-toeing around under the weight of past traumas? Then goes out of his way to take care of someone just as stubborn as he is.

I used to live with abusive housemates. While they weren't physically abusive, they were very creative in every other way of hurting their resident empath and later, attacking my whole family. It took me months after we finally kicked them out, for me to realize that i was literally tip-toeing in my own house afraid to make any noise and break tbe quiet, because i used to get badly berated for even small things like rolling in my office chair to my secobd desk while i did filing and paperwork. I didn't sing or play music for a long time, and i still find myself struggling to talk to people.

I like the idea that Crosshair would be the first to recognize long term behavioral patterns while Hunter is very fast in the uptake with someone who's state has changed in the moment.

You're under no obligation to settle this, of course, so please don't feel pressured! I just love the detailed and thoughtful, realistic way you handle writing about things like this.

My sweet darling, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to finish this. Your request became incredibly personal to me, and I both found myself inspired and struggling with how to respond! I'm honored you came to me with this request - I know how hard it is to admit to being hurt like that. Please be kind to yourself as you heal and know that I'm always happy to offer whatever support I can!

Sharp Eyes, Gentle Hands

Warnings: reference to past emotional abuse, fantasy profanity

WC: 2,253

The silence following the gentle hum of the ramp closing left me sinking beneath a deep sigh of relief. Wrecker had sought me out to say goodbye, and I’d peaked from the little kitchenette of the Marauder in time to wave to Hunter and Echo, but Tech and Crosshair were already out of sight. Still, I found myself treading lightly about the ship as I restocked supplies, updated the inventory manifest, and addressed minor maintenance needs that didn’t warrant Tech’s expertise.

This was the beginning of my second three-month tour with Clone Force 99. I’d been assigned to them as something of a secretary in the hopes of improving their less than ideal track record of finishing their paperwork, but had gradually taken on additional small tasks as time passed. While skeptical at first, the boys seemed to have begun warming to my presence, and I was too eager to maintain that trend, even if I was still only trusted to guard the ship during actual missions.

At present, that extra task consisted of reattaching a cabinet door in the storage room that Wrecker had been a bit too forceful with. After muscling it back into its original shape – mostly – all that was left was to screw it back in. I was so caught up in my work, I barely noticed the hum resonate through my chest, nor the moment that tone gradually gave way to murmured words until, just as I stepped back to appreciate my work, I found myself shamelessly singing aloud.

Satisfied, I gathered the tools and headed into the cockpit to return them. It wasn’t until the shouted gasp tore from my throat, body shying back so violently that I nearly slammed into the wall that I even noticed him. Crosshair wordless lifted an eyebrow at my reaction before returning his attention to the helmet in his hands, fingers skillfully toying with the internal gages as though nothing had happened.

“Um, sorry I-I didn’t realize you were still here.” The apology clawed stiffly up my throat, fire burning across my face. He didn’t bother looking at me as he merely responded with a disinterested grunt. Teeth gnawing against the inside of my lips as I vainly willed my heart to ease its panicked pace, I rushed to quietly place the tools back in Tech’s storage, shoulders tucking firmly about my chest.

“Why do you do that?” The words slipped from his lips almost as though he was talking to himself instead of me, but I balked at the silence that followed, fingers shifting nervously at my sides.

“Wh… do what?” The beginnings of an apology sat like poison atop my tongue, demanding to be voiced in the futile hope that it might defuse whatever confrontation was to come.

“If you’re that scared of us, why did you stay?” His arms crossed his chest, confusion just breaching the innate impatience in those sharp eyes.

“I-I’m not… um, I’m sorry you thought that, but I promise I’m not-” My words died the instant he stood from the chair, helmet laid forgotten atop the seat. My gaze instantly darted to the worn metal beneath us as that too-familiar dread locked around my chest, breaths carefully shallow, silent, lest even that somehow worsen whatever offence I’d already made. But he said nothing in the long seconds that followed, and, hesitantly, I stole a timid glance at him. His brow was cocked, but, still, he made no effort to lash out or reprimand me, merely waited for me to finally grasp his point, and my heart dropped.

“No - I’m sorry; it’s not…” The flurry of excuses tangled over my lips, the beginnings of a tremble just beginning to creep over me. “I’m not… I’m not afraid of you, I’m just… trying to stay out of the way.” I assured him, but he merely rolled his toothpick to the other side of his mouth, those frightfully intense eyes burring into me.

“You practically flatten yourself against the wall when we walk too close to you. You stopped eating the yellow ration bars after Wrecker mentioned they’re Hunter’s favorite, even though they’re your favorite, too. I don’t think you’ve ever instigated a single conversation unless it was to update a report, and even then you act like…” His teeth ground together, words suddenly falling silent. I’d felt myself sinking beneath every wretched observation, shoulders bunching around me, expression carefully blank; waiting.

“Look, I’m not…” When I risked another fleeting look up to him, I was shocked to see his glare turned pointedly away from me, jaw shifting stiffly around unspoken words. “You don’t need to… hide every time we’re in the same room.” The discomfort in the softness he was trying to force into his voice was obvious, but the simple fact that he was making an attempt left me speechless.

“Kriff, I don’t even know what I said that made you so damn timid.” A touch of that impatience returned, fingers snatching the toothpick from his lips, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me, and that made the guilt stirring in my chest all the more prominent.

“It… it wasn’t…” My hands drew together in front of me, thumb absently picking at my nails. “My-my last crew was… pretty strict with me.” I barely breathed the excuse, unable to risk meeting his eyes. “I just… I didn’t want to cause trouble here, too.” He leaned absently against the back of the co-pilot chair, watching me with a silence that left my skin crawling.

“You realize we share living space with Wrecker?” The skepticism in his blank statement wrenched a burst of laughter from me before I could rein it back, teeth clicking together even as my lips still pulled up into a small smile. For the briefest moment, something like relief seemed to flash through his eyes, and a sliver of that tension slipped from my shoulders.

“We’re not regs.” He continued dismissively. “Whatever osik they pulled with you isn’t how we operate here.”

“It wasn’t regs.” I felt myself tense for some reprimand in the face of my quiet correction, but he didn’t move, gaze watching me silently; waiting. “I was assigned to a mercenary battalion before this.” His head tilted back slightly, eyes narrowing. “That’s part of the reason I ended up here: I requested an assignment with a clone squad, but the regs don’t usually work with freelancers, so…” I motioned subtly toward him, shoulders drawing tight into my chest.

Crosshair was silent for a long moment, expression painfully unchanged. My mind raced for some way to anticipate what he was thinking – was he annoyed to learn the reason I’d ended up with them? Was he enraged that I feared the same treatment from his brothers that I’d received from the mercs? Was he completely indifferent?

Movements unrushed, void of the impatience I’d expected, he retrieved his helmet and started toward the ladder.

“Gonna do a patrol.” He explained, slipping on the bucket. “I’ll let you know when I’m back.” I couldn’t begin to fight the shock from my eyes, the silent gasp from my lips, immediately aware of his unspoken offer: he was giving me space; allowing me a moment to collect myself in the comfort of isolation… and I didn’t have to fret over not realizing when he returned…

“You should sing more often – Echo and Wrecker like that sort of thing.” Again, I found myself utterly frozen, jaw shifting uselessly around words I couldn’t begin to form, but he didn’t wait for a response. With a few swift movements, he was gone.

Things changed after that. Not with any grand or outwardly notable gestures, but it seemed to shift the very dynamic of the squad in the most subtle ways. It started with caf.

It was hardly unusual for the sniper to be the last to force himself into the kitchenette to join us, jaw ground against the early morning grogginess. I was just finishing the breakfast scramble as he trudged to the caf machine. Without a word, he set a steaming cup on the counter beside me before taking a seat with his brothers. I stared blankly at it for a moment, only then realizing that I’d fallen into the habit of waiting for the others to get their own cups before getting some for myself. When I stole a brief glance toward him, he showed no indication that he’d done anything abnormal, head tilted back against his chair with his eyes closed as though he might steal even a few seconds’ more sleep.

Then it was the arguing. Echo and Tech’s banter rarely escalated, but when it did, neither were innocent of resorting to shouting on occasion. I couldn’t remember what had prompted the latest disagreement, but their voices boomed throughout the entirety of the Marauder until even Hunter stepped in in a futile attempt to silence them. I’d made the mistake of treading into the cockpit just as things between them began to grow heated intending to merely return Echo’s power calibrator and quickly found myself frozen in the corner, waiting for a safe moment that wasn’t soon to come.

Long after the Sergeant had joined the fray, succeeding only in adding to the chaotic flurry of raised voices, Crosshair stormed down the ladder, brows pinched and lips wrenched into a scowl, but then he saw me, sharp eyes instantly noting the tool clutched in my grasp. Ignoring his brothers, he merely held his hand out to me, motioning for the device. I tried not to let him see the slight tremor in my limbs as I hesitantly placed it in his waiting palm. Saying nothing, he merely nodded toward the ladder. I was halfway through the porthole when I heard the loud thud followed by a shocked cry of pain, and, in the next breath: silence.

That was the last time any of them got into a shouting fit like that around me. Twice, just as tensions were beginning to rise, Hunter went so far as to conveniently find a reason to summon me. It didn’t take long to realize he’d caught on and was too willing to use my presence as an indirect means of quelling tempers. The second time, he shot me a knowing wink, and I found myself biting my lips against the fit of quiet laughter.

When we found a rare moment of calm, Crosshair pressed things a bit further. A fire crackled in the stillness. We didn’t have to return to Kamino for a few days, so we made camp beside a small lake, secluded in a forgiving wilderness. I barely noticed the lithe man lean toward Wrecker, lips shifting almost silently, but then his brother’s eyes shot open, excitement lighting his face.

“You can sing?!” My heart dropped, body instantly going stiff.

“…uh…” Caught, I could only stare at him in shock, gaze darting briefly to see the subtle smirk on the Sniper’s lips before the towering clone was talking once more, pleading.

“Will you sing somethin’?! We hardly ever get to hear music!” The refusal clawed at my throat, aghast at even the thought of denying the innocent delight in his request.

“Wrecker.” The warning in Hunter’s voice was enough to dampen the large man’s glee, and I found myself distraught to see his smile fade.

“M… maybe just one.” I agreed nervously, and the thrilled gasp it earned was nearly enough to ease the frantic racing of my heart. Echo and Tech glanced up curiously, and I had to pointedly ignore the feeling of everyone’s eyes watching me.

The first words left in something nearer to a whisper than a melody, but the hint of pride just threatening to shine in Crosshair’s gaze emboldened me in a way I would never have expected. By the second verse, I left the lyrics dance over my lips. My cheeks were still flushed, blood still pounding through my ears, but I couldn’t dismiss the simple joy as I took in the wonder in Wrecker’s face, Hunter’s quiet smile, Tech’s datapad lying forgotten beside him.

In the days that followed, I’d caught most of them occasionally humming the tune, and, more than once, found myself joining them with a shy grin.

That innate need to tuck into the wall as we passed each other slowly began to fade, but the next few times it happened with Crosshair, he wordlessly touched his hand to my arm and guided me upright. It was never a quick movement, the gentle pressure an invitation instead of an order, and each time, I found my heart racing long after he’d left.

After several weeks of those quiet moments, I intentionally bumped his shoulder with mine in a moment of frightful bravery. The look of pure shock in his suddenly wide eyes nearly sent me fleeing, certain I’d made a terrible mistake, but then his lips curled into grin, breath catching in a silent chuckle. His hand reached up to carefully ruffle my hair before he continued on his way.

It wasn’t perfect. I still found myself unable to find my voice unless someone else spoke first; felt that panicked dread if I set something down too loudly or made simple mistakes, but that fear faded quicker, my responses felt a little less meek as they drew me into quiet conversations more often. It wasn’t perfect, but the patience and kindness they offered allowed me to take those first steps toward making it better.

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#star wars #tbb #the bad batch #star wars tech #star wars wrecker #tbb tech #tbb wrecker #tbb oc #my writings #star wars fanfic #first person reader #tbb echo #tbb hunter #tbb crosshair #emotional abuse #recover #soft cross #gender neutral post #gender neutral reader

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avonne-writes · 2 months

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Howdy, big fan. I literally open my phone every morning and check your blog like it's the news. Anyhoo - on your response to someone's asks bout Bucky being insecure/jealous, you mentioned "what do we think Buck's insecurities are in their relationship? My first thought is him feeling unsure if he can satisfy Bucky's sexual needs. Another could be him thinking he’s boring." This might sound a bit weird but one of the reasons I love Buck so much is because I actually see parts of myself in him. He's so quiet and contemplative and intentional with his words, and the true sign of how comfortably him and Bucky fit together is how much we see Buck be silent next to John. There's such a beautiful companionship in their silences. They feel warm and private and calm. But I do think Buck sometimes has a deep down fear that John would find him boring - perhaps it was earlier when they first met, and the assurance has sunk in over time that actually Bucky loves him exactly how he is. Buck adores Bucky's antics, but Buck doesn't have to be singing badly at the microphone to get John's attention. He doesn't have to try to be louder or expressive. It's one of the reasons I adore Austin's acting of Buck too: it's all in the eyes, it's so subtle, and he wasn't very overtly expressive yet I could still read such depth and vastness of emotion that's going on inside. I like to think Bucky sees and reads him so clearly from the start, and that's why they fit together. Because Buck also sees past the bravado to the John inside, despite his efforts to deflect and avoid and distract when he's in pain and hurting (getting Curt to punch him to feel something, or drinking his sorrows, etc). It's why the scene in the train stopping at Nuremberg for me is so special: in that moment, which to me really is the climax of their friendship, it's the "ok well this might be our deaths moment so let's reflect on what we have", there's a beautiful role reversal. Buck is the talkative one, and Bucky is silent. And there's nothing more to be said, but they both know exactly what the other means. Anyways sorry for my rambling 😂

Anon, this is so well-said that I don’t know what to add ❤️ This is really beautiful and I agree. I love this deep understanding between them, how they can look beyond the surface and truly see each other. The train scene is so special and meaningful. I love Austin's acting too. Not every character needs to wail or wax poetic for the viewer to understand their feelings. I'm glad they went this route with him.

Oh, and thank you so much for telling me you enjoy reading my blog! ❤️😊

#mota #buck x bucky #gale cleven #john egan #clegan #anon #gale's insecurities

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astrophileous · 1 year

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Important! Please read!

I'm tagging the people who are on the Love Bugs taglist, so if you don't feel like reading through all of this that's fine!

Tag(s): @camilaheroine @crazyunsexycool @whateverrrrrrrrs @wifeyofeveryone @louderfortheback @marvelousgoldroses

Hello everyone, first of all I wanna start by saying I'm sorry for having seemingly disappeared for the past week. I know that I was supposed to be uploading two new parts of Love Bugs on Monday and Thursday, and I've missed both days so far without so much as an explanation. The truth is, I've been logging in and out for days trying to come up with a justified excuse for this delay, but I decided today that I will just tell you the truth of what's really happening.

I'm not doing very good at the moment.

I know this seems like a pathetic excuse, but it's the truth. As some of you know, I'm a full time college student and I've been slammed with school work for the past week. I'm tired all the time. Whenever I have even a little bit of free time, I use it to sleep. Life is just so hectic for me right now that writing Love Bugs has been kinda put in the back burner.

But that's not all the reason why I've been MIA.

A few days ago, someone left me an anonymous ask telling me that I've done a terrible job on the last few parts of Love Bugs.

Now, at first, I was gonna be the bigger person and ignore them altogether. But apparently that one little comment did more damage than I ever thought it could. For the past week, every time I went to revise my drafts for Love Bugs, all I could think about was how badly I needed them to be done perfectly to make sure no one else was gonna have this same thought about the upcoming parts. I kept thinking that what I wrote was lacking something. That it wasn't good enough to be published yet. And as a drastic measure, I ended up uploading nothing at all.

I know it seems silly to be this badly affected by one rude comment when I've gotten nothing but love from everyone else. But I guess this is your daily reminder that words do hurt, and even if they are written on the internet, it doesn't make them hurt less because behind all of these makeshift profiles and avatars are real people with real feelings and emotions.

Today, I finally braced myself to make this post. I thought it was unfair for all of you to not be offered at least an explanation about what's happening. If you're wondering when I will finally upload the next chapter of Love Bugs, then I'm sorry to tell you that I don't know yet. I have one completed part, but as I've explained above, I just keep going back to revise it again and again because I'm just not satisfied with it.

So, there you go. The reason behind my absence. I want to remind all of you too while we're here to please, please, please be kind to all of the fic writers and/or other content creators in your fandom. We're all doing all of this free of charge. So please, if you don't like something we make, scroll past it. Don't be mean. We don't owe you anything. Don't ruin something that's supposed to be fun just because you don't find it as enjoyable as others might.

This is all I'm gonna say for now. Hopefully, I will have gotten my shit together by the time next upload schedule rolls around so that you guys could have the next part of Love Bugs on Monday.

Thank you for reading all the way through of this long-ass rant. Have a great day xx

#zaranting #love bugs #daily reminder to be kind and show love to your favorite fandom creators because they're the backbone of our society

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french-vanilla-in-the-clouds · 2 years

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𝐑𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐲𝐦𝐞

𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐊 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Sherlock and Y/N have known each other for years, but the promise of love threatens to jeopardize their friendship. Perhaps a dinner date will ease their worries...

Did somebody say friends to lovers?

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The rich scent of rosemary and cooking sherry wafted past Y/N's nose as she and Sherlock settled into a restaurant booth. Warm candlelight cast soft shadows against the tapered walls.

It was their first date as a couple, so despite having been friends for years, there was a new expanse of unexplored emotion between them. Everything had changed, and they both could feel the effects of their delicate shift from companions to lovers. Tonight held tight reins upon their future.

The pair sat in comfortable silence for a long while, thinking of what to say. Y/N eyed the waiters traveling with trays of steaming plates. "It smells divine," she sighed, happily. Sherlock slipped off his gloves and smiled. His eyes sparkled with subtle admiration. "Indeed. On the topic of divinity, I must say that you're an absolute vision, tonight."

"You don't need to say things like that."

His eyes traveled up her body and rested on her face. An intense gaze studied her anxious smile. "I find myself in a position to dissent," He said, carefully.

Y/N decided to drop the subject. All night, compliments had been rolling off Sherlock's tongue as delicately as the notes from his compositions. She had never known him to be so vocal in commendation, so found the new change intimidating.

Y/N perused her menu, aware of Sherlock's drawn attention. She could sense the gears in his head turning with every passing moment. She loved him, but feared that if he peered too closely, he would reject her. She worried that his gift of deduction might be the eventual undoing of their relationship.

She peered up and bit her lip.

"Sherlock, you're staring."

Sherlock kept his eyes locked on Y/N's. He leaned over the table, with his hands clasped before his chin. "Yes darling, you're very apt. I am staring. Problem?"

"You're making me uncomfortable. Stop it."

"I'm disinclined to follow through with that. Forgive me love, if perfection guides my eye."

Y/N slid down against her seat, and tensed. She turned away, her chest prickling from nerves. Surely, he was teasing. She wished so badly for Sherlock's approval, and hated the thought of disappointing him. Perhaps they should have stayed friends...

"You're afraid."

She looked up with wide eyes, still frozen in thought. Sherlock smiled back, kindly. He picked up a fork from the table and gave it a twirl, prodding its twines, nonchalantly. "You're afraid," he repeated. "Don't worry. I see your fear only because it's a reflection of my own."

Y/N quirked a brow in question. He lowered the fork, slowly. A perpetual grin tugged at his lips, so unlike the tight frown he wore on cases. "You doubt my affections," Sherlock explained. "Somewhere in the back of your mind, you believe my intentions to be disingenuous, and my scrutiny, stark."

"I don't blame you, really," he continued. "For some time, I felt the same way. I imagined your interest in me would be short-lived and fleeting. It wasn't until I saw you tonight, that I looked beyond my own reservations and found trust in you." He let out a breathy laugh, and his eyes crinkled bashfully. "You have a presence that I can't explain. A softness I don't understand. I fear, I've fallen for you more than I anticipated..." Sherlock coughed lightly to hide his stammer before reaching for a sip of wine.

Y/N's heart warmed at his declaration. All this time, she worried that she wouldn't be enough, not knowing that he shared her anxiety. "It seems to me, you're a detective of great heart as well as brain," she said. "Who would have thought you'd be so sentimental?"

Sherlock made a sound of dissent from behind his wine glass. "I resent that," he sputtered through a laugh. "Though I suppose your words hold a ring of truth. I love you."

The candles seemed to burn brighter in that moment. The earthy scent of restaurant herbs sang, and the city lights gleamed past the window. Y/N noticed all these things when Sherlock leaned over the dining booth and kissed her. She felt the slight tremble of his hand as he caressed her cheek. His lips moved carefully, a subtle hesitance guiding him. Y/N arched forwards, affirming her own affections. Assured by her motion, Sherlock deepened the kiss, smiling against her lips.

He pulled back, sending their wine glasses crashing. He grimaced at the spilled drink and retreated to his end of the booth. "Well," he started breathily. "That was... The kiss, I mean... It was very..."

Y/N studied the heat rising in his cheeks as he wiped a finger across his bottom lip. "It was good," she finished for him. "It was very good."

Sherlock met her eyes and gave her a loopy grin. "Yes. I couldn't have said it better myself." He glanced down at the ruined table and chuckled. "I hope you weren't hungry. By the looks of the waiting staff, I'd say we have about thirty seconds before we're escorted out of here..."

Y/N's eyes flashed towards the servers. One of them was speeding over to their table. Sherlock stood up quickly and held out a hand to her. "May I?" He asked. She accepted the gesture and was whisked up to her feet. Without warning, Sherlock pulled her close and stole another kiss. "I could get used to that," he mused. "But for now... Run!"

Y/N gripped his hand tightly, allowing him to guide her out the door. Restaurant staff cursed behind them, but they had already reached the London pavement outside, laughing as they sped off.

There was nothing holding them back.

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Maybe read Arraignment?

Heyyyy!!!! Okay, soo I’ll be posting a fic daily this month--- AND I’LL BE POSTING ALL THE REQUESTS, THANKS SO MUCH FOR WAITING!!!!

*sorry if my grammar is off!!!*

Visit my multi fandom taglist!!!

Tagging my sweets: @twisted-monster @starryeddie @high-functioning-lokipath @the-chaotic-cow @turkisherlockian @kabubsmagga @aephereal @andthevillainshallrises @baby-bloos @cookiemumster1 @eternal-silvertongued-prince @bogginsreadings @i-beg-your-pardon-laufeyson @lucywrites02 @danzalladaggers @lumosouls

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

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tori-artemis · 2 years

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I don't usually make posts when I'm upset about something (or like, at all) but honestly I'm just. Really sick of the Loki fandom as a whole. Like I'm just tired of all the pettiness and bullshit. And tbh it's on both ends of the Loki series/Ragnarok split. Both pros and antis.

This isn't so much a vague post as it's a vent post for me. You see, I've been having these feelings about the Loki fandom overall for months now, and I've seen certain posts from the positive side where I just want to - jump in and say something, or at least speak for myself as an ""anti"" (hate that word btw) bc the amount of generalizing I've seen that goes on over there wrt ppl who dislike the show is just - well it's fucking frustrating. Like it annoys me bc I've heard every dumb overgeneralization since the show first came out, from not wanting Loki to move on bc we're oh-so-traumatized to we're just bitter bc the show didn't go the way we wanted/our hcs of Loki weren't validated, etc.

I think one that annoyed me the most was the claim that ppl who hate/dislike Sylvie as a character do so out of misogyny. And like - maybe there's some truth there wrt how the character/actress tend to be bombarded with gendered slurs, and yes that's not cool, but I've never referred to Sylvie or Sophia as any slur. (In fact I don't even hate Sylvie - what I do hate is how the writers have set her up as a "superior" contrast to Loki, which to me seems very intentional on their part, particularly wrt the Trauma Olympics™ as in "Sylvie had it so much harder" 🙄 - but I digress). Yet I can't help but feel like I'm being lumped in the "antis are misogynists" bin every time I read any of those posts from the pro side, simply bc I dislike the way a character was utilized. The way those posts are written, the way they sound - it's very black and white, overgeneralizing an entire group of fans, there's no nuance or side notes or disclaimers of "hey - I know not all of y'all are like this, this is just about some I've encountered" - not even in the tags, nothing. And I've just wanted so badly to jump in and say: "hey, anti here and I'm not like that" but I refrain, bc I've grown so tired of all the fandom infighting and discourse that I usually don't have the energy to get into it. So when I see someone from that side of fandom jump on a post and say how they dislike being overgeneralized as a fan, and how they feel like they're being misrepresented, or condescended to... I can't help but feel kinda upset by that, ngl. Part of me just wants to say "yes it sucks, but recognize that your side (if not you yourself) does it too. Some of you folks do it too."

Like I've read posts implying/stating that antis who hate the show lack critical thinking skills - and like, look, there might be a bit of truth wrt, say, calling Sylvie an outright abuser (and even I've been a little guilty of agreeing to view her as a person with toxic traits as opposed to the enemy-to-lovers trope she clearly falls into - tho I still can't really fault myself for not being able to take that romance seriously due to how damn rushed and forced it felt - but that's besides the point). But there's just something about the way a lot of these posts are worded, like yes some posts are pretty reasonable, but others are practically dripping with condescending sentiment (for lack of better words) as if we're fucking stupid for having emotional reactions to media as opposed to critical reactions, when isn't that the point of media and art, to illicit emotions? Like yes, the story might be trying to say something (and it might epically fail in doing so, which is how I view the show overall) but it's also meant to move ppl. And if it fails to do so, or it garners an unintended reaction, or the characterization is too inconsistent or the story telling itself is rushed/filled with inconsistencies then can you really blame fans for, well, being blindsided by disappointment/their emotions as opposed to critically analyzing it? And yes I know this is a matter of opinion, but still.

(Like sometimes a story can be extremely well written overall, and very well thought out and fans will just be oblivious to, choose to ignore or even outright refuse to pick up on the symbolism within a story, or the internal motivations/conflicts within a character, or how a character progresses/character arcs in general. Sometimes fans will even completely and intentionally misread a character in their entirety, and the role they play within a story, no matter how skilled and how excellent the writing is within a piece of art. And sometimes fans will just overall fail to realize the major themes/hints that a writer carefully lays out. Yes this is a thing, and one I've been made aware of in the particular fandom that I'm about to join.)

But then there's stories that are just... lazily/half-heartedly written at best, and so I just don't understand where pro stans get off by being condescending to ppl like me who just couldn't be immersed due to all those flaws in storytelling. Especially when I didn't get enough out of it to even see where a lot of these conclusions fans seem to have drawn from it. Like there are some inconsistencies within the story itself, there are things that just don't make a whole lot of sense, there are many contradictions, I didn't just make them up. And again I know, everyone interprets media differently, but I don't really see what a lot of pro fans have taken from the series, bc I personally don't think its there. And I really don't appreciate being thought of as some kind of imbecile for not "getting it" when the media in question is, objectively... not all that great tbh. And I'm being absolutely neutral when I say that, like I'm literally not even hating here.

And like I could've easily have turned around and made a bunch of posts stating how pro fans are "stupid" for putting so much thought into a piece of media I personally find to be stupid or just lacking in general, but I haven't. Bc one: that's a shitty thing to do to ppl, and two: it wouldn't even be true bc so many ppl who I consider very intelligent have enjoyed this show, and do put a lot of thought into analyzing it, so despite me not really seeing where they're coming from I want to respect that. And look, it's not like I haven't had those presumptuous thoughts or knee jerk reactions, bc yeah I am in an echo chamber too, and I'm no saint - I'm definitely human and I've had some overgeneralized, uncharitable takes. But I recognize this about myself, I don't post that shit. Which is why I get so upset when I see so many other fans do just that.

Also there is a definite misuse of the depiction of torture, which is used to convey certain themes, and that's very unfortunate, and IMO very bad writing/storytelling. I probably would've been a little more charitable towards the series overall if the Sif-beatdown timeloop scene had been scrapped altogether like the writers seriously should've considered doing (due to the fact that torture has so many misconceptions and is grossly excused in the majority of media which has unfortunate real world consequences) and instead focus more on Loki confronting his fear of being alone, if that truly is what the intention for that scene was. Like yes, some antis might go overboard wrt the messaging within the show, but when it comes to things like the atrocious time loop scene... that's not a made up thing we just happen to pull out of nowhere, that's something the writers put in there and therefore, yeah that's pretty fucked.

Then on the other side I'll find myself liking a post from a negative series fan bc I'll agree with the overall sentiment of it, only to unlike it right after reading the tags bc they've said something like "ppl who like this show/movie/etc are stupid" or "if you ever defended or even enjoyed TR fuck you" - and like??? WTF. I understand disliking the show or whatever but why the hell would you brush over an entire group of real, actual people as "idiots" for simply liking a piece of media??? Like - do I think the show was a disjointed mess? Yeah, I do. Do I think it was poorly written? Yes. Do I even think the reasoning behind a lot of these writing decisions was really fucking stupid on the creators part (or at the very least, that they failed to convey their ideas clearly)? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean anyone who's ever enjoyed the show is stupid for doing so, and I say this as someone who does have the knee-jerk reaction to go "how could you like that show, it sucked so much!"

But like, at the end of the day I understand that ppl take different things out of media. And just bc you find something so stupid or unwatchable, doesn't mean others will, and that's okay bc ppl are different and have different tastes and IDK how ppl don't fucking get that??? Like why is this even a hot take when it's literally just a fact???

It's shit like this that makes me feel like leaving the fandom all together. Which I don't really want to do, bc despite everything wrong with fandom and despite my own personal disappointment with the latest Loki/Thor franchise installments I still really love Loki as a character, and I still want to write fic revolving him. I even still want to make friends within the Loki fandom bc that's literally why I created this blog in the first place, to befriend other Loki fans, like I could've easily stayed being a lurker within the fandom but regardless I think at this point it's farfetched to want this bc the fandom's just way too split and way too hostile and way too fucking eager to be uncharitable and condescending af. And I'm just tired. I'm just... really really tired of the pettiness, the condescending attitude a lot of fans seem to fucking have for anyone who might think differently from them.

I'm tired of the gatekeeping - on both sides. It's on both sides. Because saying "real Loki fans would never like/defend TR/the show" and "how anyone can claim to be a Loki fan if they hate him/his own show" aren't so far apart from each other, both sentiments basically say the same thing, just from polarized viewpoints.

And I wish more fans would just recognize that.

#Loki fandom negativity #I refuse to tag this as anything else bc this isn't about the show - it's the fandom #look I'm just tired guys #I've been fed up and sick of all the damn fucking pettiness #Maybe I'm being overdramatic here #But in my defense I too am in the middle of experiencing that time of the month...#(I swear this isn't so much about that particular post as it is about all the other posts and nonsense I've seen #and the disappointment I've had with fandom that's just been pent up inside of me)#I know ppl follow me who are really entrenched in the negativity side who might take offense to this #And while I'm not really trying to offend anyone here I don't really want to go on pretending that I'm not kinda upset by all the -#posts and hot takes and hate bashing of fans/folks who might've actually enjoyed the show - bc yeah I hate that damn show too #but I can't help but feel disappointed when ppl start calling folks ''idiots'' and whatnot for enjoying a piece of media #THIS IS A BOTH SIDES ISSUE AND IM FUCKING TIRED OF IT #ALL OF YOU (GENERALLY) FUCKING GATEKEEP THE FANDOM #BOTH CONDESCEND THE OTHER SIDE AND ITS. FUCKING SHITTY #NO IM NOT A MISOGYNISTIC IDIOT WHO'S INCAPABLE OF CRITICALLY ANALYZING A MEDIOCRE/SUBPAR SHOW #AND NO JUST BC I HATE THE SHOW DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO HATEBASH ANYONE WHO ENJOYED IT #PPL ARENT IDIOTS OR STUPID FOR LIKING/DISLIKING A PIECE OF MEDIA FFS #like even discussing with some friends on discord is frustrating when they say things like ''i judge ppl who like the show''#like no. stop doing that shit. dont condescend others like that #if anyone seeing this feels offended and wants to block/unfollow thats okay #ive already made another blog focusing on a completely different fandom #so im probably going to be dipping out of here soon anyway #i just wanted to get this off my chest before doing so #also i know there are some cool ppl here on both sides/in the middle but im just done #i said i wasnt going to talk about the show but then i just went and did so #loki series criticism i guess #might as well title this post 'How to lose friends and alienate loki fans'#tldr: everyone (generally) in this damn fandom is fucking petty and IM TIRED

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pluviatrix · 1 year

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i was going to leave this as a comment on ASTCB itself, but it felt too personal. you don't have to post this, considering the personal bit 'n all, but you are welcome to if you feel so inclined! i won't mind. sorry in advance for splashing this into your askbox on tumblr of all things, but also thank you for reading.

i need you to know that i never thought i would relate with twilight of all links. i did not even know that i could do that until i read your piece and it filled me with words and then wrung them right back out of my soul until i was sobbing right along next to twilight. i've been dealing with mental health issues for a very long while but they have been getting really bad recently, and the way you wrote twilight's own long-term grapple with the same instilled something so Whole and understood into my being.

you didn't get rid of it, either. it wasn't cured, didn't get moved to the back burner or forgotten after a few paragraphs and never mentioned again. it was there throughout the whole piece. it was nice. i definitely didn't feel alone in my experiences while i stood next to twilight to watch as the story unfolded, and while it might sound sad that it took a fictional character to ease my mind, i don't think i mind. comfort in weird places, or whatever.

your writing feels like balm on a sunburn that just refuses to go away. the ending left me crying like a babe in the weirdest (/pos) mix of emotions i've felt to date. the scene where warriors asks if twilight has a death wish rattled me so badly because it hit Close. i realized a few things, just then, and had to take a very gentle moment for myself ( i cried into a pillow). the scene nestled itself right under my ribs and i've still not been able to pry it out just yet, and i don't think i'll even attempt to anymore. it deserves to be there as far as i'm concerned. it serves as a good reminder, but so does the entirety of ASTCB. so.

i didn't know i could relate with the country bumpkin, the absolutely limp-wristed horsegirl supreme with a cowboy hat, but i'm glad that it was with you that i did. thank you so fucking much, and if you ever write more i will be right there waiting to experience the story you decide to tell us all over again.

okay, so, i've read this whole thing probably 15 times over and after several days of internal debate i decided to post it mainly because i afear the machinations of a tumblr inbox and i dont wanna lose it in the gears

just.. like,,, nodding. yeah. this is what i wrote it for

#ask #ask for tags i suppose

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darkness-holds-eternal-light · 2 months

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I feel like I should share this with y'all too because it might possibly help someone or show light from a different angle.

This recently came to me from God's Divine Clarity I believe.

It's about forgiveness because that is pretty hard for many people, it's hard for me too. So if you are very focused on the sh** a person has done to you, it can help to see that there will certainly be a point in their development where they will unsh** themselves, meaning they will have to heal and move beyond the version that they were that was so unconscious that it hurt you badly. I'm being cautious here, I only trust myself to try this idea on cases of emotional wounding at this point because I think there is a bit of a bigger chance to be willing to forgive that.

So forgiveness has to do with trusting God's word and trusting that He created humans in His image and likeness and He created us good. So we might trust that this is the reality that eventually everyone has to come back to simply because it is the only thing that's true. Only God's word truly matters. This is why we could trust that the person will eventually return to the truth, even if it takes them 50 more lifetimes to get there and they will move beyond the person that hurt you so badly. In that way, we see that this version of them that is hurting others is ultimately a transitory state and we can let go of the issue now or in 50 more lifetimes. That's mostly in relation to the issue of not getting an apology even though you totally deserve one.

This helped me a little to see that having faith in the possibility of the goodness of this person can help to overcome my pain and my hatred and my need for justice and stuff like that. And having faith in what God has said. Alternatively it can also be having faith in myself that there is a version of myself in the future that has overcome this and is genuinely able to hold no grudges over this and has forgiven the issue honestly. To me it was helpful to see that it is not a long-lasting or practical approach to keep holding onto a negative version of someone that is ultimately transitory and *will* dissolve. I can just as well move on to a different approach to get what I want in order to be free.

Maybe this helps you or if it doesn't speak to you, then I hope some other angle or approach will. May we all find healing, God bless you and me. 😊

#personal #self help #Mental health #Forgiveness #a different approach #hope #faith #Trusting God #goodness #healing #thoughts #moving on from pain #God's promise

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nakanotamu · 9 months

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The read more is just bc I'm thinking out loud about wrestling stuff that's been on my mind/bothering me and I figure this might end up being long edit nvm it ended being about the usual depression stuff too lol

I think part of my issue as far as burnout is that I can't figure out where the line is supposed to be for work that you want to be done that no one else will do vs when you do not want to do the work any more. Like I do a lot of stats tracking for wrestling shows that I've done for a while now purely bc I had a lot of fun doing it and found it interesting. But I've sort of reached a point with it where I don't really think I'm learning anything particularly new or interesting with it but I realized it is taking a fair bit of time, so while it's hard to break the habit of doing it for every show it makes sense to drop it at this point, or at least cut back.

Then there's the stuff I actually worked on, like translations primarily and stuff like that. I'm behind back to stuff that happened in May, and I'd been thinking of it as a backlog, but just deciding to not do any of it does have an appeal. If it sucks hit da bricks. I know I have no real obligation here, but I don't know, thinking about totally dropping this stuff does hurt. On the one hand, I was genuinely very desperate to try and find some way to turn some part of this into actual paid work, to the point where I did way too much of it on top of my actual job and life and the stuff I wish I did have the option of just dropping and ended up having a pretty bad breakdown. So just not working on it at all any more is depressing, an acceptance that I failed and I'm still stuck exactly where I was a little over two years ago and nothing has changed at all. Maybe even worse bc when I started I was still working from home.

On the other hand I also feel bad leaving people who genuinely enjoyed my work out in the cold. I met some really great people thanks to it and had some really good conversations and stuff. But I also kind of hated the twitter clout because it's a lot of nice words that doesn't actually count for anything or do anything, and on top of that for every person who really seemed to get where I was coming from it felt like there were 5 more who claimed to appreciate my work who didn't get it at all. And that wears me down probably more than it should.

I'm a big believer that in any sort of work like that you shouldn't do it for an audience you may or may not even have or keep, you should do it because you want to do it and if people show up for it then that's on them. But I don't really know how to put it aside when it is still something I want to do but I don't know if I can. Even just things like reading comments on my own or watching shows feel like such an unbelievable timesink and I don't know if I have the energy or the mental health to keep it up even for myself. But I don't want to give these things up either. So I'm just. Stuck suffering in both directions.

And then on top of that there's all the feelings of disconnect and isolation that I've been struggling with for quite a while now. I mean like beyond the general ones every day like the wrestling specific ones. Reading and translating comments and press conferences and everything began as a way to feel closer, I think, to the wrestling I love so much. I think part of what fucked me up so badly when Unagi left was that it made clear how much that had not happened. Sure you can see the signs of her farewell tour in hindsight, but at the time I hadn't seen it coming in the slightest. No matter how well I understood these characters, no matter how much, even correct, insight I had into every word choice they made and every emotional beat of every story they told, I still don't know them, I'm not a part of this.

And beyond that, would I even want a part of it if I could have one? If I had some sort of magic golden opportunity to be part of the joshi scene right now, would I even want to see behind the curtain? What if I really am just a delusional himejoshi and it ruins everything I love about it? Would there even be a space for me there, what if I were just rejected? None of which matters because I still have no connection to it in the slightest, I've never even been to Japan and my current savings are supposed to be for computer upgrades so who the fuck knows when even that much might be an option.

I just. I feel so lost, and stuck. I don't know what to drop and what to keep working on but I don't know how to keep working on any of it in the first place. I can barely even make it through a single match without getting endlessly distracted these days, even when I WANT to watch it, even when I'm actively enjoying it! I want to drop everything in my entire life except for this but this also takes energy I don't have and feels like the only thing I actually can drop. This thing I love so much and have no attachment to whatsoever, that might not even want me if that was an option to begin with. I need to change something about my habits or my workflow or my life or something, anything, and I can't. I can't do any of it

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squireofgeekdom · 11 months

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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

oh this was tricky. if you ask me next week the answer will probably be different XD I tried to narrow it down by limiting myself to complete works that were also standalone

From most to least recent:

when you’re gone we won’t say a word (but you know that’s okay) Star Trek Strange New Worlds, S1E10, Alt Future Pike, Pike&Spock, 10.9k, Dec 2022

"“Time is, uh, is complicated. But the monks showed me something simple. Every time we change the path, he dies.” - alternate future Christopher Pike, ‘A Quality of Mercy’ “I wanted a voice that sounded like it had given up a little bit after lots of emotional turmoil. So I thought, what would my voice sound like if I had spent a lot of time sobbing and screaming? - Anson Mount, about playing the alternate future Pike in ‘A Quality of Mercy’ What took a Christopher Pike back to Boreth, and back to convince himself to accept his fate? What did he see?"

I knew I was going to end up writing this like, within hours of watching the episode. Time travel fridge horror, how could I resist? I struggled with how to end it and the bittersweet note I hit on made me cry the most.

Ghosts in Your Head, Ghosts in My Head The Flash, Pacific Rim AU, Cisco & Harry, Cisco and Eobard, 33.9k, Sep-Nov 2022

"We can vanquish the impossible if we can learn to trust again. - Guillermo Del Toro they're so drift compatible it's!?!? i'm JUST i might be Compelled to write this - me, June 20th, 2021 --- Harrison Wells has no intention of ever entering a Shatterdome again, determined to leave the ghost of the tragic loss of his co-pilot and wife from his last time piloting a jaeger firmly in the past, to focus on raising Jesse. Cisco Ramon is a jaeger engineer, not a pilot, focused on retrofitting a badly damaged Gen 3 jaeger, keeping the ghost of his one and only drift, and the truth of the tragic accident in his Shatterdome, close to his chest - and hidden behind his goggles. But some things don’t stay buried - or in the basement - forever. And to cancel the apocalypse, they may both have to face their own ghosts..."

This was published between September and November of 2022, so you can tell from the quote in the summary (from talking with my canoe buddy @philcoulsonismyhero, who helped turn this from rambling into a fic and was a fantastic first reader) it was a while in development. This was my 100th fic on Ao3 and I really wanted it to be that milestone because I love it, I love the concept, and I feel like I really captured a huge chunk of what keeps me coming back to writing about the Flash, and specifically Cisco and Harry and Wellsobard/Eobard. I think I managed to make it something that's readable if you don't know the Flash while something that has a lot of interesting adaptations and twists from the Flash if you do know the source material. I also had a fun time tweaking and playing with the world of Pacific Rim to fit the narrative. And also just. Cisco and Harry are so drift compatible, y'all. They just. Are.

Blank Slate, Artificial Boxes Murderbot Diaries, Aggressively Arospec Week 2021, 2.2k, Jun 2021

"“I’m probably the one who has the best chance of getting it, anyway.” I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. “Because you're augmented?” The difference between an augmented human and a murderbot is like … the difference between a chihuahua and a cyborg wolf-construct with cloned organic components. Or something. “Because I’m aromantic.” That… shouldn’t have been surprising, actually. And it was something we had in common, as much as I was loath to admit having something in common with Gurathin. And - well, it did have something to do with this. “That has nothing to do with this,” I said."

It was *really* hard to pick a fic for this slot - two days ago I might have gone with More Than This, an older aro-centric fic about Obi-Wan Kenobi that I also love very very much and definitely gets an honorable mention. But something that stands out about this fic is that I was trying to hit a very distinctive writing and character/narrator voice, and I think I really did.

conquest of spaces Pacific Rim, Post-Uprising Fix It, 27.1k, Apr-May 2018

"It takes a Shatterdome to save two people the Precursors have tried to destroy, and to help them put the pieces back together in the aftermath. A story about liquor and ice cream, donuts and decaf coffee, kaiju-blood rocket boots, and, in Pacific Rim tradition, the power of science and people too stubborn to give up on each other."

I have fanart for this fic from my dearest alex (who I also spent extensive time discussing this fic and drift and precursor hivemind mechanics with) over my desk, it's not a hard call to put it in the top 5 :D (Honorable mention to Hold, a fic from Cass's run as Batgirl that I have art over my desk for) This fic is tagged The power of friendship and THE POWER OF SCIENCE, it is very Me. :D This also introduces Kay and the neuroscience team, a collection of OC's who you'll see many other places in my fics :D

What You Can't Run From The Flash & Supergirl, Cisco Ramon & J'onn J'onzz + Eobard Thawne, 7.4k, November 2016

Or: Martian Manhunter vs the Reverse Flash When Cisco is kidnapped by the Reverse Flash and ends up sending them both to Supergirl's Earth, it's up to J'onn J'onzz to kick some ass and do some rescuing. But that might require going further into Eobard Thawne's head than he ever wanted to go, and dredging up some of his own memories...

I periodically go back and reread this fic and yall. It slaps, as I believe the kids say. It's an early crystallization of my love of weird mindscape & unreality tropes. It hits on a lot of feelings about Cisco and Eobard that I would end up going back to over and over (and continue to) in many different angles and variations. It has confrontation and foils between DCTV's two 'glowing red eyes mentors who are not who they seem'. It has J'onn and Cisco bonding. What more could I ask for from past me.

#squire talks #squire's adventures in the archive #i will try and remember to pass this on via asks but i need to get ready to. sleep.#so if you're interested feel free to go do this and tag me!

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