#i'm tired of my rejection sensitive dysphoria

[chaoticmunsons]

alright i no longer wish to be autistic wheres my receipt i would like to return the autism thanks

[daffythefox]

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

[deezneezz]

Leona & ADD

I got a few ppl (on twitter) wanting me to elaborate on Leona and ADD, so I figured I will share my thoughts here as well, please be nice it's just a personal hc. You don't have to agree at all!! Since it contains some personal experiences I ask of people to please be kind about it!

Anyway, Leona and ADD.

I think a lot of people usually agree on Floyd and Kalim having ADHD, but Leona actually shows a lot of lesser talked about traits of ADHD. Namely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), sensitivity to clothing/textures (he doesn't like restrictive clothes).

He also has the more commonly talked about traits of course, executive dysfunction being a big one. And his depression definitely exacerbates these traits, when i was undiagnosed and depressed i used to sleep my entire days away. I wasn't getting anything done anyway.

Not to mention not sleeping properly, so I was desperate to find moments to sleep during the day. I've slept on floors, on toilets, in an abandoned corner in uni instead of going to class. I was just *so* tired all the time I didn't want to sit in class, I wanted to sleep.

I was lucky I passed classes without studying, cause i would've never gotten through uni otherwise. I still took longer than necessary. The moment my support system (Ruggie, anyone?) graduated and left I had no one taking care of my basic needs, and I certainly didn't.

I had a dorm mate who cooked for me, made sure I had even an ounce of self-care, and also looked at my room and said "hmm, Deniz, maybe it's time to clean up a little" and then I very reluctantly admitted that it may have gotten a little out of hand.

She would just sit in my room sometimes chilling around while I cleaned cuz that was one of the few ways I cleaned at all (this is a real thing for ADHD, called body doubling. It works). Ruggie arriving at NRC and Leona suddenly performing tons better in school is no coincidence.

Coming back to RSD.. I mean I don't really have to explain it do I.. book 2, Lilia's scathing remarks, the shame of disappointing his dorm, etc. I know a lot of ppl call book 2 an 'overreaction' but like, this is genuinely what it feels like internally when RSD triggers

book 6 too, Jamil's over-protectiveness is clearly (to the audience) smth that's mostly Jamil's own habits and trauma doing. But to Leona it's a rejection/insult to his ability to take care of himself, his skill, etc. This was genuinely smth that set me off too.

"How dare you try to explain to me smth I already know, do you think I'm stupid?" "You're not like me." The unwillingness to admit that someone may be relatable in any way because making any comparison to yourself makes you vulnerable to what you haven't achieved for yourself.

"I would ace these classes too if I wasted my time and life studying as much as they did, but I actually love myself." <- guy who was jealous and did not know he was coping and didn't study cause of executive dysfunction and concentration issues.

Leona clearly knows a lot about the things he genuinely cares about, Ancient spell language, chess, magishift, so its kind of funny to see him so low effort in classes. Though honestly i know the game also says that "Leona already knows all this stuff" so.. who knows really...

Now I'm more chill but I used to legitimately go off the handle a little cuz RSD doesn't really care about whether the shit u feel is proportional to the offence it physically hurts in your chest and you just wanna burn down the world at that exact time and... IS THAT NOT LEONA...

TLDR: give Leona therapy and meds, lol.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for not saying No outright?

My bf and I just got up, and as usual ate breakfast together by ourselves (both headsets on and different YT videos). He finished his first toast and asked me if he could show me something. I asked "does it have to be now?", because I honestly was annoyed and tired and just wanted to eat (didn't say that part out loud because tired). He said "I just remembered it" and looked like a happy child. So I said "fine, go on then".

Then he showed me a video and after it was done I immediately turned back to my video - But he wanted to tell me something about that, and how the story continued. I rolled my eyes and then he got angry that I could have just said "No" if I didn't want to see it.

I proceeded to get pissed off and defensive, explaining I have problems saying No (Rejection sensitive dysphoria), that I tried with asking "does it have to be now" and that it's just like the other days when he is tired in the morning because morning grouchy and says I shouldn't take his mood personally.

Because he is a morning grouch and because I felt grouchy I didn't want to say No outright, and he said that explanation doesn't make sense because I often say no to him in the morning. I proceeded to ask if it's when I am going to the bathroom - because I have IBS and yes, don't ask me something while I'm on my way to the bathroom. You will only get a no and won't have time to answer because I am gone - and that this is clearly not the same situation.

Then we kinda got stuck in a loop of me feeling attacked for asking instead of saying No outright and of him feeling Scapegoated for my bad mood.

I know my emotions can be too extreme sometimes, so I am really not sure. AITA? Is he the asshole? Are we both stupid assholes?

What are these acronyms?

[gassadamante]

Okay, I'm gonna rant a bit again about love, queerness and *drum roll* kinks.

Just a little heads up: I'm bisexual and to the surprise of literally no one kinky. I'm also demiromantic/lovepunk and I've struggled my entire life (and I'm still struggling) with romantic connections, relationships, dating and also friendship.

I've only dated one (1) guy, he was pretty kinky too and with him I've experienced various sub drops. With him I was a sub, a little bit bratty sometimes but since I was completely inexperienced it was more natural to just be a sub. Point is, I've never received aftercare. Like, ever.

And sex is one of my special interests since when I was maybe 14 (we're talking about 2013 guys, eleven years ago), so I know damn well what aftercare is, how important it is and how hard a drop can hit you and how damaging it can be. And yet I've never asked for it. I've never said "hey, maybe hug me a bit after you slapped me?" Maybe because I have a pretty bad rejection sensitivity dysphoria, maybe because I didn't know how to, maybe because he was just a dickhead and not exactly a Dom.

Anyway, the sub drops hit me like a fucking train and I'm still facing the consequences a year later.

Now, about the queerness part.

I've experienced some kind of drop with platonic friends too, but almost never with queer friends. Don't know why, don't know if I'm just a lucky bastard, but my queer best friends always make sure I'm comfortable, whatever we are doing. From choosing a place to eat, to the time we're leaving, to my social battery, to literally everything.

They give me time and space to choose and when I'm too overwhelmed they choose for me and still make sure I'm okay with their choice.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, I probably just wanted to say be kinky, be queer, be free and loving but also check on the people you love, they need it even if they don't say so. And don't be fucking afraid to hug each others, friends or partners or whatever, hug the people you love for fuck's sake!!

(only exception: if they ask you to not hug them, but in a rant about kinks and queerness I think I'm gonna assume all parts involved are consenting)

((consent needs a rant on its own but I'm too tired to not write a mess))

[wick-x-screaming]

hi darling, i read all ur posts about the show + soundcheck and i just wanted to say it's really not ur fault and ur gonna be okay!!! yk i couldn't imagine what being thrown into the spotlight in that way must have felt like, especially when its in front of ur faves yk??? i'm really sorry ur feeling bad and going thru all this, i'm neurodivergent too & i get rejection sensitive dysphoria really bad so i can empathize with u and those types of feelings

but despite all that i just wanted to tell u those feelings of embarrassment are brutal when ur overly tired and its so easy to get in ur own head but i wanted to let u know these feelings will pass!!! no matter how intense they are all feelings will pass!!!

anyways sorry this was long winded pls feel free to ignore this if u want. i just wanted to offer some comfort if you need it, my dms are always open if u need to talk <3 sending sm love your way dear

😭😭 i’m just responding to messages now but i read this the other day and it helped A LOT. thank you so much 🫶🫶🫶 it’s really nice to know i’m not like alone with these feelings. i’m already feeling better and i’m sure in a few weeks/months i’ll be laughing at how silly goofy everything was!!

[heliacalxrising]

Vent post; not a vague against anyone currently mutuals or following me

I don't know how much clearer I can be.

It's 2024. Almost everyone in the rpc should be fucking adults. Since 2020, my rejection sensitive dysphoria has been triggered more times than I can count from people I really genuinely thought were my friends, and it just got triggered again, and I truly, sincerely, do not know what I have done to deserve it.

If we interact frequently OOC, I will consider us friends. If you are nice to me, I am nice to you. My first instinct, always, is to be kind, because I have been bullied most of my life, and I just... I'm so tired of living in a world where people are not kind. I want to be a safe space for others. I want people to like me.

Asking for an explanation and offering to fix whatever went wrong is not guilt tripping. It's my opening the doors of communication hoping for reciprocation. I do not deserve the panic attacks, the constant crying or the suicidal ideation that comes with this stupid RSD that comes with my stupid fucking brain. I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to have ADHD or autism. I am just here, trying to make the best of it, and all I ask for is some respect in return.

Please. I am begging, for the last time, if I ever say or do anything that hurt you, PLEASE talk to me. 99% of the time, I won't even realize I hurt you. One sided resentment is unfair, especially if I am left in the dark.

[hell-drabbles]

Dreams are made of thoughts and memories

Belphie drifts into the Releam of sleep and dreams

Because 1 it lets him interact with his subjects subconsciousness (dream walking cause why not)

2.going to sleep sometimes let's him tap into little fragments of scenes that he thinks might be his memories of his true name and his experiences with his true name

Cause in a world where demons and angels can be binded with a call of a name

Names hold power here

Especially true names

Anyways

I love your idea of healer,shield thing and might incorporate it into Belphie

Also I feel like Belphie wouldn't be too taken Ra-On originally

Sure he acts like a lazier,cozier version of Mammon to Ra-On but that's because he is obligated to as the stand in of Belphegor because Belphegor probably wants a good relationship with the Descendant of Solomon

And like I said Belphie has like 0 natural libido unless someone else initiated it

So while he goes along with Ra-On's antics and libido

He does turn colder and disdainful the more often Ra-On finds him for sex even if he hides it neatly for Belphegor's sake

Because it may not physically tired him out

It emotionally does if someone is constantly trying to rile him up and sleep with him

Belphie is the type to want something more emotional out of sex if it's a long time thing

He wants good aftercare and cuddles

Not just the fuck and go Ra-On has

He wants soft moments outside of the sex

He wants to be taken care of sometimes

He doesn't mind doing the aftercare himself but he does feel empty if he's the only one doing it for a while

Dante Anon

Okay okay, I'm replying now because I was waiting for actual Belphegor's design to be released aaaand... he's kinda boring to look at, face wise anyways. Does not pull the slick back hair well. Piercings are nice... and that's about it.

Good ol dream-walking, who doesn't like that? Anyways, a naturally zero libido demon such as your Belphie would definitely stump my Ra-on, because Belphie is going along with his sexual antics without any complaints, so naturally Belphie must think he's desirable as Ra-on does Belphie? And will do that... annoying thing of trying to change that, trying to see if he can get Belphie to initiate first without Ra-on having to be explicit about it. Because being explicit, in Ra-on's mind, is synonymous with "whore," and he's not like that! He can't ravage anyone on his own because that's bad somehow! So someone has to force him into it so it's not his fault when things go wrong!

Ugh, someone give him a swirly. He's so afraid of even touching the word 'consequences' that he throws it to another demon. And when he is forced to touch it, his rejection sensitive dysphoria goes into overdrive and now everyone around him feels guilty for it. And now Ra-on's horny again because he was made to feel small, weak and pathetic, kickstarting the whole cycle once more, and forcing all memories of his faults into the abyss, because other people have dropped it so what's the point of thinking about it?

My Ra-on had never made a proper apology in his life, at least his pre-character development version has never made one. The only apologizes that come out of his lips are ones that are made during a self-deprecation episode, or ones that are said in reflex to someone's anger. Outside of those circumstances, he has not taken the steps to correct a wrong he has done, he just ignores it and hopes that the other person will drop the matter. Ghosts it and pretends it's not there.

Anyways, sorry about my ramblings about Ra-on I'm getting somewhere I swear.

This all makes perfect sense for why Belphie would just be tired of him after a while, because Ra-on is unable to separate his own selfish nature from his various trauma. You call him out, and in Ra-on's brain, it's an attack on his very nature, and he's so hurt that he spirals. And when he spirals, he gets messily horny and now suddenly only sex can fix this, because he refuses to have a different way of making himself feel better. I mean, why bother? Every demon here is willing to have sex with him and it's so much easier than just, going to therapy.

So he must be pampered, he must be cared for, because he's been hurt and it's tiring. No fucking wonder Mammon loves Ra-on, he's so very greedy and isn't even aware of it! Imagine the lengths of greed Ra-on will go once he's fully awakened it and is not bound by the human chains of insecurity!

And it's no wonder none of Ra-on's relationships last all that long, why he hops from demon to demon. Belphie would be so tired of it, poor guy, having to slowly discover that you're no different than a comfort object.

[pathfinderswiftpen]

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch

I posted a meme in a literary discussion server that I'm a part of, relating to the themes of the book in our book club, and I misread the audience, or part of it, forgetting that not everyone can handle farcical dark humor, and one of the mods reached out saying that several people messaged them about being disturbed and horrified, and said mod asked me to not post stuff like that again. Fortunately the mod acknowledged the irony that the passage we discussed had even more horrifying content than the thing I posted. I asked if I needed to apologize or take it down and was told it wasn't necessary. But now I feel like the Worst Person Ever (of course false) and that everyone there hates me (untrue; we had a book club meeting tonight and my messages were engaged with, positively, as normal)

Ohhh I get it now

It goes back to breaking social rules that you didn't know were there and the thought/fear that other people will be mad at you and only talk about it behind your back and never actually approach you about it. I have lost several friends this way so it makes sense to feel this way, but it feels goddamn awful. I do wish the people bothered would have just said something in the chat or to me? I'm SO TIRED of, when I do something out of line or bothersome to someone, the bothered parties approach a person in an administrative role about it instead of just talking to me? It feels like "YOU'RE IN TROUBLE" when no? Not really? Set it right and move on? It feels like a big thing when it doesn't have to be. UGH. Fucking fuck. Blegh.

OK now have a good cry, ground myself, and go to bed.

POST SCRIPT EDIT

BUT ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT? This book we're discussing is in part about fucking censorship! The Name of the Rose discusses authorities who control what content people are allowed to see based on whether or not that authority thinks they can handle it or would be led astray by it. I just. The irony. You can handle reading the horrifying things in the book but not a single line of an obviously farcical meme? 🧐🧐🧐 *Giant Sigh* fortunately it wasn't taken down because it does very much relate to and even rephrase one of the major themes of the book. But good grief, people, we are adults and should be able to handle ourselves when something upsets us. UGH.

I realized this when I went back to see if I could spoiler it, or re post it with the offending part cropped out. I could spoiler it but thinking about cropping it out really got me on the irony of censoring it. Sigh. Can't win 'em all

[belamourelysianlimerence]

I've been feeling so alone...

I have no in person friends.

I'm afraid to meet people because masking is exhausting and when I'm in a safe space I cry for hours.

I'm so tired...

But every time I sleep I have nightmares of my abusive parent.

I want to move more and exercise...

But I'm so drained from lack of sleep I become dizzy and nap in the day and have aches all over my body. Especially my joints. Idk what to do.

Any gentle suggestions?

Autistic,adhd,cptsd,pda,executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, ocd, bpd, BP, hypervigalence, derealization+depersonalization.😒😮‍💨😔☹️😟🥺😥😢😖😣😩😫😤😭💔

HAS:THERAPIST+PSYCHIATRIST

[allthebooksandcrannies]

I am so tired y'all.

My brother apparently told my mom that I mentioned that my coming out to get didn't go nearly as well as when I came out to him the other day. This isn't his fault, I didn't think to ask him not to tell her but I really should have considering she's almost certainly where I get my rejection sensitive dysphoria from.

First I got a text from her saying my brother had told her and expressing confusion since she thought the conversation "went about as well as it realistically could have." Honestly I don't disagree. Knowing her, it literally went almost word for word how I expected it based on past conversations and conflicts. But that didn't mean it didn't still hurt when her attempts to be supportive made me feel invalidated and alone.

I took an hour or so to calm down and get my thoughts together. Then I wrote a long message apologizing for hurting her and explaining why I felt that way. I was so careful to use my "when you said this... I felt this..." statements, to make it clear that I knew some of these feelings were not rooted in insecurity or fear instead of reality, while also admitting that while I knew she was trying to support me I did not feel supported. I repeatedly told her she did nothing wrong and I wasn't mad at her, just disappointed that she didn't feel the way I had hoped she would while acknowledging that we're both valid to feel how we do.

I really thought that would be the end but I should have known better. I got back a massive essay of defensive backlash that I really should have expected explaining why everything I said was wrong and not at all what she was trying to do (despite me having already said with each point that I logically knew those were not her intentions, just how I felt when they happened). She says I was hiding her and assuming I knew why she did everything she did and that I should have known better than to feel like I needed to comfort her in that moment since she's a grown woman who doesn't need her kid to manage her emotions (as though I haven't been her personal therapist since I was seven years old).

She told me I make her feel like I'm ashamed of her, that I judge her, and think less of her because of her beliefs.

What do I say when that's completely true? How can I not be ashamed when the woman who taught me to treat others how I want to be treated and to stand up for the oppressed tells me herself that she doesn't see anything wrong with genocide and ethnic cleansing bc "if you don't kill them all the next generation will attack you when they grow up" and "they brought it upon themselves by not leaving and tolerating Hamas." How can I not think less of her when the person who taught me to always look into the sources and keep an open mind to new evidence refuses to do the same and calls me elitist and brainwashed when I share someone I learned

[silvermoon424]

hi katy :)) i’m sure you’ve answered this before, and if you have, you can totally just ignore this ask, but recently i’ve been wondering if i have adhd. i’m a 20 year old woman, and i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for basically my whole adolescence. in the past few weeks though i’ve learned a lot more about adhd/neurodivergence and i feel like it’s much more accurate to my experience. my only real exposure to adhd is my little brother, who has been diagnosed since he was 12 and behaves VERY differently than i do. if you could possibly detail your experience with adhd as a woman that would really help me out a lot in deciding if i want to pursue a new diagnosis. thanks in advance!!

Hi there!

ADHD/autism/neurodiversity in general can be experienced a lot of different ways by people; it's a very broad spectrum, but there are definitely traits that pop up again and again for a lot of people. Here are some traits I have personally identified as being influenced/driven by my ADHD (or autism, sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two)

Very poor impulse control, especially with money and food

Having poor memory in some areas but excellent memory in others (usually due to how strongly the topic interests me)

Having trouble remembering things (as in appointments, important dates, etc)

Having a very hard time focusing or maintaining focus

Easily distracted

Fidgets often (my fidgets are picking through my split ends and jiggling my ankle)

Needing to take frequent breaks when working/doing chores/etc due to burnout

Needing CONSTANT stimulation; for example, much of my free time is spent listening to Youtube video essays while I color manga, typeset, scan things, etc. Sometimes I do just watch things (especially late at night when I'm tired), but I don't think I could ever do a menial task without having some other stimulation for my brain

Talking to myself

Info-dumping

Being amazing at multi-tasking (but struggling with single-tasking because of the whole "need more stimulation" thing)

Hyper-fixating on things to the point of not realizing I'm thirsty, have a crick in neck, etc

I daydream frequently and have an entire daydream universe (called a paracosm) full of my own OCs and storylines. I'm what's called an immersive daydreamer. Immersive daydreaming/maladaptive daydreaming is its own thing, but from what I've heard people who do it are often also neurodivergent. If you daydream a lot about a fictional universe(s) of your own creation, I would highly recommend looking into this topic.

My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. Ever. I'm constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even when I'm trying to fall asleep I'm playing with my OCs and paracosm, lol (one of my favorite parts of the day tbh). Because of this I've suffered from insomnia for much of my life. I've been on a sedative that also functions as an antidepressant for many years and it's helped a lot.

I literally just learned that this has a name: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection (real or imagined). For my entire life I have been extremely sensitive to being criticized, and all this time it has been a side-effect of my ADHD!

When given a task, I need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it or else it's not getting done. In general I have a hard time "thinking outside the box" and can be pretty oblivious.

Executive dysfunction is a bitch. This also overlaps with depression and autism, but basically I have a literal mountain of projects and hobbies I want do and another literal mountain of shows/anime/movies I want to watch but I can't get past the mental hurdle of actually engaging with them. It's very hard to explain, but it's like even though I want to do them I either don't have the energy, get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, start doing it and then lose focus/motivation partway through, etc.

That's all I could think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more. I feel like every week I discover there's a new way ADHD is impacting my life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

[thekawaiibutterflygirl]

I can't believe I had to hear stupid criticism of these things in review videos of season 3, but I'm out here willing to defend my homies to the death and giving my own two cents on things

I'm somewhat okay with Sarcastic Chorus, but his criticism of the "hero doubting themself trope" pissed me off so goddamn much. I know it's not specifically canon that Luz is ADHD, but I literally relate in every way with her symptoms. That includes something that's known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It's not Luz doubting herself in terms of normal sort of doubt, it's not that she believes she can't do it or deal with things, or doesn't think she's strong enough. She is deathly afraid of her friends abandoning her because of something outside of her control. Just because of a little mistake, she thinks the whole world is going to fall apart because of her. And this extreme reaction to something outside of her control is a pretty common reaction in those with ADHD and to those who experience RSD. She wants to punish and she actively blames herself for things like that because of the way she's been judged so harshly due to being different. This self criticism comes from other people blaming us as children, from calling us lazy to punishing us for causing trouble because we weren't accommodated properly. It is so normal for children with ADHD to grow up being traumatized by the world. This is shown both in her mother, Camila and somewhat within Eda. Camila shows symptoms of inattentive ADHD, while Eda shows symptoms of hyperactive ADHD. And they both have trauma. So they definitely have different ways of reacting to that trauma, Camila being protective and Eda repressing a lot of the things that make her different. Luz's experience is so real and common, and people ignoring that and writing it off as a trope, boils my damn blood. Maybe don't act like it isn't realistic, just because you don't experience it.

The other thing is that it is SO WEIRD people hate Willow?? Like man, I didn't think she was a boring character at all. I guess y'all just don't understand feeling insecure and learning to glow up and be more confident. Willow is far from my favourite character, but people doing her fucking dirty in the review videos. Willow has had a character arc of being a doormat to being a badass plant witch. And that comes with being the therapist friend and repressing all that shit inside. Having to deal with everyone else's bullshit and being the sensitive person she is, she wants to help. And she couldn't accept people back into her life because of the way she was mistreated. She was tired of letting people walk all over her, and was super cool for eventually getting boundaries. Willow's character arc is small in comparison to others, but she deserves more credit for being a damn cool and relatable character. I can't believe people called her boring, just because she's a side character. I like her a lot, and there's nothing that any of you motherfucking reviewers can do to change my mind. Willow doesn't deserve the criticism, she's a well-rounded and complex character, actually.

I can't really remember much else, just more so how it's weird people have viewed things in their reviews. I'm definitely confused. Like,, it feels like people are upset because some things just weren't written for them or they just made a weird reach for something.

Anyway, I'm glad most people like this show regardless. Reblog if you agree or wanna add your own thoughts!!!!!

[bretha-stitchwitch]

*deep breath*

So, here's the thing.

I used to write like breathing. Like something that both felt utterly natural and utterly necessary to survival.

I announced as a precocious seven year old, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, that I wanted to be a world-famous author "like Roald Dahl".

(There's an entire digression into how poorly his work has aged and the debatability of his fame, and that's not even touching on the mess that is the current sanitisation of his works and both the erasure of authorial intent and control AND the blatant money-grab by the publishers, not to mention the tone-deafness of the edits AND the fact that an old dead white dude's stuff is getting rehashed instead of highlighting new authors and stories... but that's not what this post is about.)

(This post might be full of similar run-on sentences; I'd apologise, but it'd be an empty gesture given that I'm pretty sure it'll happen again, and saying sorry is meant to mean that you're not going to commit the same act again, and, well... *gestures at this entire parenthetical* we can see how likely that is.)

So yes. At one point, and for a significant portion of my childhood and teen years, I fully intended to make good on that pronouncement. Moreover, I thought it would be easy to do so.

Writing certainly felt easy, and was something I both loved doing and felt compelled to do.

And then it was not.

I've told friends and friendly colleagues who've asked in the past why I stopped, that I am afraid, and could trace that fear back to a single class in university.

It's glib, but not entirely untrue.

It was a Creative Writing class, and we had a guest lecturer - a professional editor from the traditional publishing industry, talking about the realities of said industry and day-to-day work for editors like them.

It was insightful and illuminating, and some of the class left the lecture invigorated and excited to overcome the obstacles to becoming a successfully published author.

But I remember feeling my dreams shrivel and wither, as though they were delicate mosses blasted by sudden heat or sunlight.

Because I was suddenly confronted with the reality that my dream wouldn't be easy and might never come true - and that I would be just one of hundreds of others like me, lost in a crowd, not special or notable.

I had been a big fish in a little pond for so long, writing as easily as breathing, stories bubbling up inside and exciting me as I spilled them out onto the page.

And suddenly I knew that I was no longer that big fish. Suddenly, I knew I would likely face countless rounds of rejection and indifference, even ridicule, for the stories I wanted to tell.

I didn't have sufficient self-esteem or confidence to withstand the imagined scorn. In the span of just 40 minutes, I imagined everything that might be said of my writing, assumed it all to be true and warranted... And just like that, I no longer found writing as easy as breathing, and in fact was struggling to breathe as well.

(All this was probably exacerbated by undiagnosed autism and accompanying rejection sensitivity dysphoria, but since I'm still undiagnosed I can only offer that to my past self as hypothesis rather than known fact.)

I've tried, at various times, to recapture the old joy and excitement of storytelling. TTRPGs have helped - one glorious hybrid LARP with a heavy (and unplanned by the poor STs) online RP component certainly did the most to reignite the passion to write. Between myself and one friend, we wrote over 20,000 words back and forth in the span of 48 hours, which I then took and turned into over 30,000 words of fleshed out description and narrative that still holds up after 5+ years.

But each time, the fear crowds back in, smothering the fires of creativity, suffocating the flow of stories, and I sit there once more, staring at a blank page and gasping.

And I'm tired of letting the fear win.

So I'm going to try something. It'll take time, far longer than any of my childhood writing projects. It may go unfinished for years, possibly unfinished full-stop (though I am certainly going to try my best to finish).

Because for the first time in a long time, I can feel a story bubbling up, itching to be told. Multiple stories in fact, so many little stories woven into a full and whole cloth to become something greater. An anthology stitched together by a meta story behind it.

And all of those stories, instead of shrivelling or withering, seem to be waiting patiently - not delicate mosses, but hardy fungi flourishing secretly in the dark, waiting for a chance to burst forth.

And I'm reminded that the fruiting body of a fungus, marshmallow-soft, can punch through concrete when it finally comes time to sprout forth.

So. I might not breathe stories like air any more... But perhaps I can cultivate them like mushrooms.

This blog is the embodiment of that hope. It's a promise to myself to at least TRY.

[vizthedatum]

I am slowly regulating.

It helps to talk with my friends and share memes or cute things with them.

Had a rough morning.

I hate it when all the feelings bubble up while I'm in such intense pain... and I know INTELLECTUALLY what I need to do but I need the whole fucking world to shut up for a few minutes or maybe a million years.

I hate that I get so overstimulated. I hate that I used to just "hold it together" until I couldn't - instead of just feeling what I feel. I hate that I couldn't tell some SUPER ANNOYING GUY today to just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP GIVING ME UNSOLICITED ADVICE ABOUT MY PAIN, FLAT TIRE, AND OTHER ISSUES.

I got a lot of stuff moved around and sorted I think. Life is okay - I have a lot going for me.

Chronic pain is so stupid. It really fucks up everything.

My RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is driving me up the wall.

I hate feeling like a loser. and unwanted. and dumb. and crazy. and unattractive. and unseemly. And everything my brain is telling me that I am because I can't handle other people seeing me vulnerable like this.

I hate that I just can't be cool and accept real rejection.

So I just create all the rejections in my head and protect myself before I can get hurt again.

Because being hurt sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I can't get hurt again. I just can't. Even though I know it will happen. I know that I'm keeping people in my life who won't intentionally hurt me. I know that hurt will happen anyway.

I'm so upset that my parents hurt me. I'm so upset that my ex-spouse hurt me. I hate them all. I hate all the exes who hurt me just to feel better about themselves. I hate how they put me down. I hate how they couldn't be gentle with me about my transness. I hate that people couldn't be honest with me. I hate that people couldn't leave when they realized they WERE FUCKING BENEATH ME.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BENEATH ME AND HERE I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I THINK I'M SCUM WHEN I KNOW I'M JUST HAVING CHRONIC PAIN AND HAVING A ROUGH TIME.

[genzdiariez]

I kind of just want to talk about nothing. This is a diary, after all. Lengthy personal ramble up ahead, if anyone dares or cares to read it. CW: suicidal ideation

So. I'm 20 now. It's been probably six years since I last actually used this blog, until a couple days ago when I checked the email I made it with and saw that it had accrued a bunch of bot followers. So, I logged on, started purging them (and probably some real people too, my bad,) and realized I might be able to start doing this again. So I started following a bunch of people.

For some reason, this blog's url was changed to -blog, and then someone else took the zdiariez url, and I'm not sure I'm willing to confront someone for a url I might end up dropping again in a few months anyway. It does suck, though. I don't like having dashes in my usernames.

I'm not sure I ever talked about this on this blog before, but my mom used to be a massive TERF. Part of the reality of millenials raising gen z is that millenials and gen z are both WAY too online. She got sucked into her toxic circles, I got sucked into mine. I guess in a way, we both saw each others' toxicity and not our own.

At the time (six years ago, freshman year) I was dating a girl who had me on my phone literally whenever she could get my attention. I got in trouble in my computer-something class multiple times because I would constantly check my phone to talk to her. If I didn't, she would get very upset with me. I remember her telling me that it wasn't fair when I was tired, because she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast, and for her to talk to me she has to stay up really late while it's relatively early where I am, and when I go to bed at a reasonable hour, she doesn't have anyone to talk to.

My mom recognized in me a growing anxiety of being away from my phone or computer, and quickly realized it was because I was being emotionally manipulated. By a fourteen year old girl. Of course it's possible when you're both fourteen. That entire relationship was an absolute dumpster fire. I'll never forget how her ex would treat me like a demon and misgender me simply because she didn't like me. Or how she would cut herself on call with my ex to guilt her. I honestly don't understand how we could have so much drama.

So was being fourteen, to be honest. Again, not sure how much I've talked about this, but right when my middle school years ended and I entered into high school, my friend group kicked me out - right after my cat died - and basically told me that I was a bitch and to get lost. "We're tired of walking on eggshells around you all the time." I didn't get the memo that being emotionally volatile after the death of my beloved cat was unacceptable. I think I'll always be pretty fucking salty about that whole situation. It was the seed that grew into a big, strong, healthy Fear of Abandonment and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria tree.

So I lost my cat, my friends, my girlfriend is suffocating me, my mom won't accept me for who I am, so what am I to do? Obviously, I'll hang myself from the catwalks in the school theater with a rope I was given as a prop for a play.

Saying it now, it's melodramatic and needlessly traumatizing for anyone who witnesses it. Back then, it was so comforting to think that I was finally going to be done with it.

Making this blog in the first place was a way for me to cry for help. I didn't ask for help very well, that's something I've never been good at. I kind of wish I was, then maybe I wouldn't have been in such a dark place to begin with, or maybe someone would have noticed the way i was talking on here and reached out.

I feel forever grateful for an interaction I had on this blog when I was fourteen, two years after I came out as nonbinary, unsure if I was allowed to call myself trans and relate to other trans people. An adult (or at least someone older than me) came in to tell me that I am just as trans as anyone else, and my struggles matter. Thank you, blog I've forgotten the name of. You genuinely did help me. You restructured my neurons in the right way where I can tell myself and other people, of course I'm trans! I'm not cis, am I?