#i've become a basic autistic bitch

[i-am-church-the-cat]

my circadian rhythm needs to stop

[palmettoshenanigans]

also ALSO-

I know the old "AFTG is badly written" jokes but hold the FUCK on for one goddamn second

I have been writing for almost 20 years. I got my college degree in English and the only reason my specialization wasn't creative writing is because I had bad time management skills and missed my chance to do my final creative writing workshop. I'm autistic and Storycrafting and Wordsmithing are my special interests. I understand writing pretty well.

AFTG opened my fucking eyes to a blind spot of the utter craftsmanship of writing sticky characters that infect you with brain worms, and here it is:

The Conflict of Material and Form

AKA the Character Creation version of Nature versus Nurture

"This isn't who I truly am. This is who I've had to become, what I've had to fashion myself into to survive. The original me is buried in there somewhere, if only you knew how to look. If only you knew to look beyond the mask."

Easily exemplified with our fave lil guys-

Neil Abram Josten:

Material: smartass with a smart mouth, attitude problem, cares about people deeply, sharp tongue to cut a bitch with, kinda feral, a lil unhinged, oblivious idiot

Form: quiet and hidden, liar liar pants of fire, run rabbit run, docile and tame, hyper-vigilant and hyper-observant

Andrew Joseph Minyard:

Material: caring, protective, strong sense of justice, gentle even, cares deeply, give me sugar or give me death, yearning

Form: cold, apathetic, ruthless and unforgiving, allow me to introduce you to my knife, regret? don't know her, i want nothing nothing nothing

Why am I using 'material and form' instead of 'nature and nurture'? Because I am a subscriber to "Characters are not meant to be real people; they are mirages of real people meant to encapsulate a function or idea that serves the story". But use whatever terms click with your noggin.

This isn't about 'want vs need'. This isn't about 'lie believed and truth learned'. This is about Presentation and Basic Action - how would this character react here? Which part are they reacting from?

With Material vs. Form, one isn't the 'true' version and the other the 'false' version of the character. They are both true and real in their own right. The Secret Sauce is that the Material and the Form fight 1v1! And regardless of which part wins, there will be consequences and rewards; so which rewards do we want and which consequences are we willing to suffer? And this fight happens beat by beat, scene by scene, plot point by plot point.

At one point in TFC Neil laments his inability to shut his fucking mouth because his Form of 'don't stand out dipshit' and his Material of 'initiate smartass.exe' are disagreeing with how to respond to his circumstances! It's that fucking meme "My healed and unhealed versions of myself deciding who is going to handle this situation" but as Storycraft!

Now, I don't think this is a new idea by any means. But sometimes to make the essence of an idea truly stick, it must be presented in multiple different ways until one triggers a "Eureka! By Jove! Aha!", and this was the way that truly made this concept stick for me. And why did it stick? Because AFTG is a labor of deep love and passion for Characters and all their complexity and inner machinations, and that depth of devotion had to manifest as some good ass writing somehow my homies in christ.

I have a collection of my favorite Storycrafting Wisdoms and one of them is effectively:

"Put Compelling Characters into a Compelling Situation and see what happens."

And Nora does Compelling Characters beautifully

[sunthyme]

LAST PART!!! WE'RE IN THE HOME STRETCH, BOIS! Thank y'all so much, I know I keep saying it but I really appreciate y'all sm. The next post I do will feature my Yuusona or Prefect design and some headcanons featuring it. After that, I'll give y'all some options to see whatcha'll want. Now for...

🌹Diasomnia🌹

The disclaimer from Ignihyde is still in effect here, most of my headcanons are either because it looked cool or sounded cool lmao.

First up is...

🐉Malleus Draconia🐉

(he/she/they/it any basically) Agender - Panromantic Asexual

*giggles, kicks feet, twirls hair* Mal... Anyways! Some of y'all probably been waiting for this one! My silly fae prince, whose identity may or may not be based on my own. Sue me, this bitch is hella relatable.

- So, onto the headcanons, I felt like Mal wasn't all that intimidating when he first popped up outside our house. Idk, I see a cat-type personality and all my self preservation is thrown out the nearest window. She's just a big meow. But I wanted them to actually look rather intimidating, making his bangs cover his eyes a bit more, darker makeup, whatnot.

- I know Mal is canonically taller than the rest of the cast but Imma make her even taller. Its 6'6" without the horns and like 6'11 or 7' with them. I want them to be a cryptid!! Also the height difference with Lilia bout to be crazy.

- I like the idea that my prefect made her some lil Howl's Moving Castle earrings, even though it obvious doesn't exist in their world. Or maybe it does??? Who knows.

- *scientist voice* The autism is this subject is astronomical. *cough* Yeah, it's also not up for debate. The gargoyles, the general demeanour. Yuu is their favoured person.

- Malleus and my prefect would probably interact a little differently than Yuu does canonically, as we're both silly little autistic people, but I'll save that for my Yuusona post lol.

- Really tempted to throw in that it has a forked tongue. Does have fangs but Mal and Jamil probably both have forked tongues, j st for funsies.

- Loves to read sappy romance novels, is giggling and kicking her feet at soulmate stuff in particular. Has a whole list of little date ideas in a notebook (totally not saying this because /I/ have one or anything)...

Not mush else to say give I've only canonically interacted with her like three times but now for everyone's favourite grandpa!

🦇Lilia Vanrouge🦇

(he/she) - Bisexual

- Teehee! So I saw someone headcanons Lilia as Indian and I was SO here for it, though I think he's be half Indian, half Mexican or smth.

- Gave this girl SO many piercing. I feel like she got them 'cause she was bored. Idk, 500 years is pretty old, ya gotta spice things up some how.

- Some scars from 'ye old days'(tm) and I made his hair a bit wavy and added a green gradient to the ends, just to mimick Malleus' hair. Also, this bitch stands a proud 5'3" on a good day (aka with heels).

- He's the kind of dad that makes his kids wear matching pjs during the winter holidays and while he knows his kids like the back of his hand, chooses to give them silly gifts most of the time. Also, he spoils Mal and Silver rotten.

- Absolutely tries to get Malleus to properly flirt with MC but it never works out like he plans. Silver just watches with mild amusement.

Speaking of Silver,

🗡️Silver Vanrouge🗡️

(he/they) Demiboy - Achillic Asexual

- Yes, I was mad he doesn't canonically have a last name. I figured that Lilia would have officially adopted him at some point or another and typically you need a last name for a lot of things so I just gave them Lilia's.

- I think that Silver's gray hair is natural and once it gets to be a certain length, it just becomes gray. Additionally, Lilia's a cool dad so Silver got dyed ends and piercings too.

- I actually headcanon that Silver's blind and has narcolepsy (though that's pretty much canon). It was likely from birth or manifested early on and as a result, Malleus is a bit protective of Silver (and Sebek is too but he'd never admit it lol). He has a service dog, which is probably a cute golden retriever named Aurora, and records lectures to listen back to. He, Kalim, and Ruggie have little study groups as second years. Also, Silver's autistic. Lilia really out here collecting autistic children lmaooo.

- He really likes to knit. Don't ask why but I think he'd enjoy the rhythym of it. (He's made Ruggie and Kalim scarves and both treasure them a ton) He likes to make blankets for Malleus and Lilia as well as himself. He loves to work with the chunkier and softer yarns, especially because it makes keeping track of the stitches easier.

- Owes SO MANY plushies. His bed is half dedicated to them, most probably give to him by Lilia for birthdays and holidays. He loves soft things so all the plushies are like squishmellows and stuff.

Ah, I love Silver. Onto our last canon character,

🐊Sebek Zigvolt🐊

(he/him) - Achillic

Oh boy, this design was such a pain. I literally had to redo it because I didn't like it. Though, in the end, I think it turned out pretty neat.

- On with the physical stuff, I fucked around with his skin tone a bit because it did not look right with his hair in my og design which had a more lime, yellowy green instead of the mint. I made it warmer and ditched the yellow green for the original design's mint, just darker. Finally, I thought I needed a kick of something so I gave him some violet streaks and eyes and BOOM! A Sebek!

- I gave him a bit of a rounder face, I feel like he wouldn't have outgrown his baby chub yet, and a single dimple. I thought it'd be super cute, sue me. Cute lil freckles, the works.

- One thing I am super proud of was his Lichtenburg scar (I believe that's what it's called, I've only really heard in in TMA oops). While I certainly didn't do it justice here, I'll be fleshing it out at some point. I think it's a cool addition to the character based on lighting, maybe his magic accidentally hit him or damaged him at some point idk.

- He is, wait for it... also autistic. Shocker, pun intended. He's actually AuDHD to me and has issues with volume regulation, which is real idk. Would actually also be sensitive to loud noise, as backwards as that sounds. Has noise-cancelling headphones courtesy of Idia. Malleus is his favoured person and he looks up to him a lot.

- Grew up loving dragons and thinking they were like the coolest fcuking things then met Mal and was in awe. Was a totally nerd about dragons as a kid and still has figures and posters and whatnot.

God, I love the Diasomnia characters sm omgggg. It's time for my ocs!

🪡Thumbelina Souster🪡

Third Year - (they/she) Genderqueer - Pansexual

She looks like Zelda. I know... but she's pretty!

- Thumbelina is 'twisted' from the loom in the story of Sleeping Beauty. IF EPEL IS LITERALLY AN APPLE, she can be a loom. Anyhow, I made her a fae as well, likely one of the craft fairies, just taking on a more human-sized form. She takes a ton of inspo from the og story of Thumbelina, as a tiny little fae she got separated from her kin and raised by human parents. That's why she doesn't have the 'ick' about humans that most fae have.

- When she got accepted to NRC, Crowley gave her access to a potion that changes her size so she'd be able to attend school easier. Her parents were tailors and so she grew up around sewing but could never do it because of how tiny she was. When she changed sizes, she immediately wanted to try her hand at sewing, official joining (or maybe founding) the sewing club.

- After intially joining Diasomnia and seeing Lilia's piercings, they piqued her curiosity and she got some.

- As a fae, she loves to be outdoors and tends to a garden outside of the dorm. She also rather oblivious when some expresses interest in her as she's not familiar with human courting. Lilia adopts yet another autistic child lmao.

For another character based on something mildly abstract...

🥀Munkh Sarnai🥀

Second Year - (they/he/she) Genderfluid - Asexual Aromantic

- Munkh is my character for the thorns that encircled Aurora's castle. Minorly abstract but hey, cool ass character design.

- They're Mongolian and I wanted the spikey aspect to really shine through, giving them liberty spikes thanks to my friend's suggestion! Wanted to go really punk especially because I haven't really done so in a character design before and I LOVE IT!

- She was originally going to have a Maleficent colour palette for the spikes but it was getting too close to some of the other designs so I made it black and red to emulate roses.

- He's a part of the music club as well, likely a vocalist or drummer. He loves the energy and the people are really cool, plus obviously his vice housewarden's there.

- They're also on the athletic side and enjoy various sports, namely Spelldrive. Also, she does own her own blastcycle and immediately bonds with Deuce over a shared love of them. Deuce and Munkh like this 🤞.

Last but not least...

⏰Kyra Delano⏰

First Year - (she/her) - Sapphic

Pspsps... TMA fandom... pspsps Delano...

- Kyra's my oc twisted from Tick Tock, the alligator(?) from Peter Pan. I gave her the yellow-green from my original Sebek design and it looks way better here.

- I think as a reference to the clock and like 'ticking', she'd have Tourette's. It sometimes flares up more than others so she has an agreement with the teachers about class times where it's acting up.

- I think she'd have like mild beef with Josephina because they met on a wrong foot during orientation but it's not a huge deal. Probably sleep-deprived Josephina said something insulting Diasomnia and Kyra was like, "What the hell?". They have a friendly competition going on now, every gym class.

- She's a part of the track and field club and is one of the fastest on the team. That being said, she's not a huge fan of physical activity and prefer to read in the library or study.

Head's up, I lied. This isn't the last post. I have to do the staff and extra character like Neige, Che'nya, and Cheka. Plus Grim. I tricked you >:). Mayhaps it'll be up tomorrow... love y'all!🩷🩷🩷

[darklinaforever]

You said this

So thank you for prove that you have no reading comprehension.

Do you know how many times I have heard this in real life from dickwads like you because I fucked up reading something. It's the kneejerk response people like you use. Instead of being patient and sensible and using your brain to think maybe this person has a reading problem, you just use ablelist slander. It's not about being a mind reader either it's about being a decent human being. It's like telling someone walking slow to hurry up when they might have a physical disability that makes them not be able to. But you wouldn't understand this because you're ablelist.

Yes I made a grace joke because it's meme level now and you are a cunt and treated me badly. Love how you also shat on the sa victim as well. So they're not valid because they were assaulted and feel triggered which colors what they see in the scene but because you like Daemyra and Rhaenyra is your bb girl, you are valid and make out what you see is the reality

Hear is a new flash bitch Viserys was a rapist Rhaenyra was a rapist and Aegon was a rapist. Daemon is a grooming pedo incest wife killer. But you talk about accepting their vices when you don't you deliberately blind yourself to their vices. You are a twat and everyone hates your guts btw

Grace sends her regards lol

Also no wonder you were bullied at school makes sense you're now the bully acting so vile

Do you know how many antis and haters say things to me that don't make any sense when I've given them perfectly clear answers just to try to put me down for free ? Simply because the reality of my words does not correspond to their defamatory speech ?

Literally tons and tons of times.

So yes, sorry for not necessarily having thought that you could be dyslexic and autistic instead of just belonging to the usual group of hateful morons.

At this point, you blame me for not being a soothsayer and not knowing how to distinguish your hatred from that of others.

You also visibly love, like your compatriots, use big words whose meaning you don't understand. Just like ableist which is discrimination or prejudice against individuals with disabilities. But how the hell could I be that when I had no idea you were autistic and basic dyslexic ? You are only trying to discredit me and make yourself look like a victim.

And sorry, but this story with Grace doesn't have to become some sort of meme level, and this sentence : "Tell grace I said hi btw lol" Makes you the first person to be rude out of both of us whether you like it or not, particularly annoying me. So once again, stop trying to play the victim. Besides now you insult me ​​as a bitch and twat...

You're the one who comes to my inbox and talk rude, so don't be surprised that I'm not very polite to you in return.

Then, I didn't shit on the victims of SA :

I simply said that it is not because a person is a victim of SA and sees a fictional scene as such that it means that it is necessarily true, because their opinions can also be false, because the victim of SA are humans like you and me, simple as that. It may shock you that I have the balls to say it, but it's just reality and you don't seem mature enough to hear it.

And the posts about Criston Cole have absolutely nothing to do with Daemyra, so why are you bringing this ship back to the table to try to discredit me ? It's ridiculous.

Funfact : Rhaenyra is not a rapist in Fire and Blood or HOTD and Daemon is not a groomer or a pedophile in Fire and Blood or HOTD (and he didn't kill his wife in Fire and Blood, it is an invention of HOTD, because he was at war when she died from a fall from a horse during a hunt, after agonize for 9 days and getting up one last time before finally dying).

Daemon, suspected of sexual contact with 13 / 14-year-old Rhaenyra in the book /19-year-old Rhaenyra in the show, may be an ephebophile. But there is no evidence (because besides, he has officially only been with adult women by our modern standards).

This came from this post from @nrilliree :

Oh and I would like to understand how the incest part is supposed to be a revelation or an insult ? In this aspect, Daemon is no different from any other Targaryen.

And if I'm willfully blind to Rhaenyra's vices and an twat for it, I hope once again that, as I told the other anons, that the same thing can be said of the writers, producers and actors of HOTD in this case, since everyone on the crew confirmed that this scene was not rape, consistent with what is shown on screen... I hope you say the same for them, but I doubt.

And again, I'm not harassing anyone on tumblr. Stop spewing these lies to feel justified in your vile words. It was you who came to invade my inbox, sending me your messages again and again, being the first to be rude. You are literally doing what you accuse me of, which is hypocritical behavior.

[quirkycombatants]

Muse Plans!

So I think I need to state what I want to do with my muses, where I want to take and develop them, based on recent interactions.

Noburu:

In the past, I mostly used him as a kind of sounding board for my own autistic struggles and personal history, and I've developed him a lot because of that. But I mostly now want to have him become more of a teaching figure. I never created him to be someone who fights everyone, he's mostly an extension of my autistic love of delving into martial arts.

So I want to lean into him learning to bond with people by teaching them.

Shiori:

I don't think it's any new idea that she's a giant bitch. I actually never intended her to be such a bitch though? Like I wanted her to be someone with a major chip on her shoulder and basically take the view that everyone was looking down on her. What I want to do with her is find a way to get her to bond with someone because she's in desperate need of actual humanizing. Which I didn't expect with her. But she definitely needs it.

Dachi:

Originally, I mostly conceived as Dachi as someone who had a secret that he was deeply sadistic to explain why he didn't kill. But then Tenkaiichi came out and just used that concept, and I found that it appealed to me less over time, because it came up less and less in interactions.

What I want to develop in him most is probably some kind of social connection; he's a bit too aloof at the moment and he needs an attachment to something.

Kingmaker:

He don't care, bout education, money is, his motivation. He don't live, for love and passion, when he can, his satisfaction~

Seriously, I need to lean more into his business side. Guy sells sentai monsters for profit. But I also want to lean into his creative side. But overall, I actually like his development so far. Guy exists for profit, and I think I've nailed that? Of all my muses, I'm happiest with him so far.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[personne-writes]

Links to my main blog and my ao3 page

My stuff

(Latest additions in color)

Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Forward - chap. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 (next) My take on what happens between the Krang invasion and the time gateway. [Insert fic for the movie's bad future - Beta by @crosshatchedaces, @skelenova and @luxtoony - Work in progress]

Dad material - 1 (comic) - 2 (comic & ficlet) - 3 (comic) - 4 (comic) - 5 (comic) - 6 (ficlet) - 7 Tail's comics with future Leo and Casey Junior have sentenced me to hyperfixation. Comics are Tail's, ficlets are from me, and there's more to come, I'm not even mad about it, guys, it's great [Collab with @leosmasktails - Work in progress]

Challenges and zines (supposed to be short) for @rise-august-art-challenge - Weird for the Sunset Duo Zine by @punnybee-zines - Rise and fall for the @turtlestogetherzine - Alternate realities (poem)

Tributes (they're all short I promise) to @somerandomdudelmao - Ignoring some rules to @chiscribbs - Spin that record, babe to @luxtoony - Job description (poem)

Propaganda (it's short too I swear) for @autismswagsummit - Autistic Sweep and the following Third challenger

One Punch Man

Parallel Universe - chap. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 Two Saitamas fight over Genos, basically. [Villain AU based on @tr333333 's comic - Beta by @anonymousedward - Currently on hiatus] I've actually received a gift from Bleedingsoul01 for this fic and it absolutely didn't make me cry!! French version here

A Ghost Story Badd is haunted by a very flirty ghost, yeah that's Garou. [One-shot - Prompted by Little1993Lamb]

Adolescence Saitama is worried about Genos but it's just Shitty Teen Squad shenanigans, really. [One-shot - Gift for @rayadraws]

I have two other OPM prompts in my drafts lmao

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Tribute to @jenirodraws - Lost woods (poem)

Detroit: Become Human

The Conversation Hank isn't getting any younger and his yet-to-be adoptive son takes action. [One-shot - My participation to @julientel 's DBH found family week] French version here

I also have a DBH collab in my drafts. Whoopsies

Mass Effect

Life goes on One shots about Shepard and Vakarian living their life after the Destruction ending. Only one chapter now, might add others later if I feel like it. French version available here

That's all bitches!

[darkaviarymc]

So why tf are you living with a zionist? And why tf did you get married to one in the first place?

I've gotten anons asking invasive questions about my relationship with Troy and why I have yet to end it, and I've deleted each one. I don't know if you're the same anon, but I'm guessing you follow me because my latest #aviisleaving post has no notes and was less than an hour old when I received this ask.

But.

Due to recent events in this fandom, abuse has become a spotlight topic. I don't know if I would call my marriage abusive or not. But whether or not it is, my situation and my reasons for staying in it for the time being is similar to what abusive victims face. There are many reasons not to leave, to bide your time before leaving, and to not be able to leave at the time or even at all, and I think it's an important discussion to have.

I'll start by explaining why I'm with him in the first place. We used to be closer ideologically. He wasn't always this far right and (this is where I make a confession that idk if I'm actually ready to make, but here we go) I wasn't always this far left. Seven years does a lot to change people, for better or worse. I was a left-leaning centerist, he was a right-leaning centerist, and we met in the middle to either compromise or peacefully agree to disagree.

We were both nerdy autistic weirdos with the same taste in music, same sense of humor, and enough ideologically in common to make peace. He got along well with my daughter and was quick to let me know that, if we ever got married, he'd consider her his kid as if she was his own.

I'm hyper-romantic. I see romance basically everywhere I look, and I fall in love hard and fast. He wasn't used to having a woman (my egg hadn't cracked yet, we'll get to that) who wasn't an absolute bitch be interested in him, so he fell harder than he ever had. We also both hated our situation at home, and I wouldn't pretend that wasn't a factor. We rushed the relationship and got married before we'd been together a year.

Everything changed for me when I realized I was queer.

I found the community I'd been denying for my whole life, and I learned a lot. He was an ally then. A flawed one, but he was willing to try. He was supportive of me when I came out, first as bisexual and then as nonbinary.

But everything changed for him when the wreck happened. He was driving with our mutual best friend in the front passenger seat when he lost control on black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. Our friend died at the scene, and Troy's injuries left him permanently disabled. He's since regained his independence, but he'll always struggle with his left arm.

We both took solace in our faith (I'd still consider myself a Christian, feel how you feel about that, I've heard it all) but he got lost in Christian Reddit, then Christian TikTok. Christian TikTok led to Evangelical TikTok, which led to transphobic, homophobic, MAGA, and zionist TikTok.

He ate that shit up. He fucking chugged that kool-aid. It gave him something besides himself to be angry at.

Grief opened my mind and closed his. It softened my heart and hardened his.

It just went downhill from there.

And now I can't live with this. I know he can't either, and the only reason he hasn't initiated a separation is because 1) there's no biblical grounds for divorce because I haven't cheated on him, and 2) he doesn't think a fat, autistic, disabled nerd in his 30s with a small dick and $30,000 in medical debt could ever find a godly wife. His words, not mine.

So if I want what's best for myself, my daughter, and yes, even for Troy, I need to be the one to leave.

So why haven't I yet?

First and foremost, money. We live in a society blah blah blah. Our society isn't friendly single mothers, queer people, or disabled people, and I'm about to be all three. I need to be 100% certain that I can support not only myself, but a high support needs autistic teen daughter who will likely never be able to live independently.

We currently only have one working vehicle, and aren't in a financial place to remedy that. I will need my own form of transportation if I'm going to be on my own.

All of my preparations (housing, transportation, moving logistics, etc) will have to be enacted quickly and perfectly. Surgical precision packing, moving, and stocking up on groceries so I don't have to leave the house for a while within 24 hours. Why? Because his family can't have any forewarning. I would not be safe. Currently, I'm not safe emotionally, but if I mess up even one step off the plan, if I'm not perfect in my exit strategy, I won't be safe physically, and neither will my daughter. I won't elaborate further on that.

Not only do I have to leave perfectly, but I have to be 150% positive months in advance that I can keep perfect. Because he has friends and family in places that could be dangerous for me, not the least of which is CPS. I fully expect to have them at my door by the end of the first month. I can't give them cause to take my daughter, even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing. Especially since they'll already have a small, stupid thing. Namely, my queerness and my disability.

Because I'm under no impression whatsoever that Troy won't out me to every single person who I can't safely be out to the instant he gets the chance. I will have no more help from (and possibly no contact with) my family. I will be completely alone. My support system will be gone forever. I have to be emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for that.

And I am none of those things right now.

And until I am, I have to do whatever I can to keep myself safe enough to bide my time for the right opportunity.

[giantchasm]

milgram jumpscare :0 i'd love to hear your voting takes for each of the prisoners

As a note, I'm not in on the Deeplore, I'm just a casual fan who was showed the PVs by a friend and given the basic rundown, but:

Haruka: Don't forgive. I actively dislike this guy. Maybe I'm just a bitch or whatever but I look at his story and my only reaction is "I'm also autistic and also have mommy issues and you don't see me killing both animals and people. Seems like a skill issue."

Yuno: Forgive. This one isn't even a question. Girl could literally be getting repeatedly pregnant solely to have abortions and I'd still be like "You go, girl!" It's funny that she seems to think people are only forgiving her/voting her innocent because they perceive her as some naive little girl. Like... no. I'd vote this way for anyone and everyone in this situation.

Fuuta: Controversial, maybe, but forgive. While he definitely got caught up in a toxic cycle, it's pretty clear he has intense regret over what he did. And also like... I think the behavior he exhibits is something everyone on the internet falls into a little bit and needs to try and unlearn. Not going to throw stones in glass houses.

Muu: Trying to decide how I feel. Definitely one of my favorites of the group, but as for the verdict...? Maybe don't forgive, but with sympathy for her? I dunno. She's clearly a very complicated person. I'm easily won over by #girlboss #buggirl swag, though. I watched Mean Girls on a plane recently and learned afterwards there's a theory that Janice used to be a popular girl before becoming an outcast and I think it's hilarious that that's potentially exactly what happened to Mu. Except if, like, attempting to sabotage Regina's life via new student, Janice snapped and gored her with a boxcutter.

Shidou: If I'm being real it's still borderline impossible to tell what this dude even did with how vague and symbolism-based his PVs is. Like he definitely harvested organs or something but as for the actual details I've no damn idea. Either way I'm voting forgive, though, because he actively doesn't want us to and I think doing the opposite of what he wants is funny.

Mahiru: Forgive. She clearly wasn't the healthiest partner but seemingly the relationship she was in was unhealthy on both sides. She doesn't deserve to be called a murderer over whatever weird toxic codependent thing they had going on.

Kazui: Forgive. As far as I can tell, either he asked for a divorce or is gay, neither of which is a crime. I understand why he feels bad about it, but he barely even did anything.

Amane: Forgive. Self explanatory. Literal child in a cult. I get why people voted her guilty in round one to try and teach her a lesson about the toxic mindset she had drilled into her, but it clearly didn't work. Leave fixing that shit to the therapists and not to the prison system.

Mikoto: Don't forgive for being a Tumblr Sexyman. Another one whose deal I'm not sure I fully understand. I mean, clearly he has DID, but I also can't tell if it's the host or the alter who even committed the murder, nor whether the alter (if he did it) did it for a good reason or not. For now I'll say tentatively don't forgive, but if it comes out whoever he killed was like. A threat to Mikoto, then John was just kind of doing his job as a protector. But like I mentioned: I don't even know if he's the one who did it, so who friggin' knows. Not me, that's for sure.

Kotoko: Don't forgive. Killing predatory evil men or whatever was cool and based, but she very much crossed a line by beating the shit out of the other prisoners. Approving of her prior actions gave her a twisted god complex and the impression that it's morally correct for her to serve as judge, jury and executioner, which just isn't true. Vigilante justice is a dangerous road to travel down.

[softlittleheartsandsparkles]

For clarity too: I notice more people go after folks with bpd or npd. It's why I typically highlight those disorders not to add shame, but to say most people will not give a borderline individual a pass if they're an asshole, or say something that feels mean. People don't understand bpd is both neurological and environmental based disorder. (There's ct-scans that show this.) Like I've known more people who bring up bpd as a form of abuse, or will say "yeah my abuser is so obviously borderline. Ugh this disorder is just an abuser disorder." as if this term means abusive or somehow means npd. (yes there's people who believe "bpd is the female version of like npd" No... no its not.) When no, it doesn't, and there's a lot of people with bpd who go through abuse (childhood and domestic) and are actually really gentle and kind people. It's more about emotional regulation and guess what, other disorders also struggle with emotion regulation. ADHD has emotion regulation issues too. So yeah. But whenever someone is rude and autism gets brought up it becomes basically about how soft and sweet and lets just treat this person like a baby. They never meant it like that. Lets just be gentle and like speak softly so they calm down. Like: 'omg no give em a pass!! there actually autistic!! it doesn't matter how rude they are!! thats just frankly a social cues they don't understand on their end!! don't be so rude to them!! Maybe YOU need to work on your sensitivities!!! BUT THEY DONT MEAN IT LIKE THAT" - "they don't know any better!!! so what if they called you bitch!!! they didn't mean it!!!" - They did. They did mean it through and DO mean it. You allowing them a pass. Stop. Like there's a difference between a social cue and just being blatantly rude. These aren't one in the same. I just don't think we should also assume someone's status (disabled or not) but literally too we need to stop acting like autism in adults means "they a adult baby! oooh cute!! they don't mean anything mean by calling you a bitch!!! awww look at the autism person!!! cute!!!" No, they aren't. Stop giving them excuses. This doesn't help anyone, including autistic people.

[kakusboyfriend]

O-kay whatever I'm gonna do mini lore dumps for some of my DC guys bc I'm bored. Read or readn't but I need to get the thoughts out somehow

• I don't believe Citrus and Red were married until *After* the Rise of the Tornado Tyrant episode, where Citrus' redemption arc truly begins after saving Roy (tornado champion/tyrant whatever I think the names r stupid) from himself. However that is also the catalyst for a huge strain in their relationship that lasts a bit offscreen because That was your Child and he Loved you. Both Red and Citrus really need a time out after that whole mess. Oh also Citrus really fucking hates Bruce after it and threatens to kill him if he ever gets close to his family again and that's my excuse for Red's abrupt disappearance (aside from him retiring as a hero) LOL. You'd have to watch the EP to really get it but yeah it changes a whole lot of things for my little weird family.

• Cupid is a weird little guy because I'm still working out how I want the Star Sapphires to work, since I'm very aromantic and the thought of Romantic Love as a constant in the human psyche makes me violent. I think the ring feeds off of positive feelings of comfort and (any kind of) love to give the user strength so it's encouraged that whoever's relationship youre mending, you should get close to that person to help them out even more. Both Indigos and Sapphires r rehab groups basically but one is made of Patients and the other is made of Therapists. If that makes any sense? They're twinsies because love and compassion are very similar + they're very close in the spectrum anyways. All of this to say, Cupid and Rudy work best bc they feed off of each other but they're normal about it. This is a very new thing I'm trying to integrate into their story bc i came up with it, like, Yesterday.

• Bruno is the most skittish weird guy you'll ever meet and his whole thing is about how sometimes there isn't an out for ppl that don't look like they're supposed to, even if they're not inherently evil. Like, he can't Mask who he is and he's not going to live in the shadows about it. If his existence is seen as a twisted state of being, living unapologetically as himself will be looked down upon one way or another - so he'd rather be with people everyone else fucking hates. He's the most autistic bitch I've ever written bc of how he was raised and is perceived + chooses to act (I don't mask anymore now that I'm in my 20s and it's a joy + being queer in a world that thinks you're depraved bc of it). He's not a villain by Choice by any means, but he has more fun hanging out with outcasts than with "good guys". He's a petty thief, not a monster, but god if he isn't going to put his whole pussy into being a weird bitch.

• oh Voltera... Darling, I'm so sorry. This guy was orphaned from a young age and his parents were Not from earth and didn't know anyone there by the time they died + their families had fully ostracized them back home. In truth Alesan weasels take the "it takes a village to raise a child" thing to heart, so a kit being left alone is heartbreaking. Plus, it means Voltera is barely aware of why he does certain things that weren't explained to him growing up, and it made him very immature and weird. He was generally considered "too much to handle" in any foster home he was sent to (because literally no one knew how to raise him. It's literally like getting an energetic pet you're not ready for - there's Going to be biting, and you're Going to be frustrated) and eventually just becomes a street urchin trying desperately to fit in with anyone his age. Mekt is semi sorta in the same position by being a weird loser no one really likes, so they make good friends from the start bc of it. I'm so normal about them.

• Alborean. God I haven't really touched on him here but he's the most Sure of himself out of any of my losers. There isn't even anything tragic going on with him, he just does what he does because he Wants to do it. He's the bastard son of the former Doppelganger emperor/whatever so he has immense potential for being an edgy loser (Citrus killed him off or something, but he's dethroned by the time Alborean comes to earth one way or another. Plus he was an illegitimate child and his dad didn't want shit to do with him, it would be So easy for me to write him as desperate and brooding) but he's incredibly self sufficient instead. He's the only guy I'll bring into Batman Beyond I think, and he's Essential to saving Victor from death because oh my god that sucked so bad.

• Winona

Kidding, but Winona is the same species as my other sona, Kit Karyotype (Marvel S/I) and closely related to Eudicot Sangria's (Futurama S/I) species. The major difference is that Anguipera Venenata have relatively normal eating habits and actively hunt for prey with venom or brute strength while Anguipera Amedo eat a huge meal once every month or so and are far less aggressive. Still working on how Winona gets with Scott and Barda but I'll get there one day.

• I wrote a huge thing for orchard but accidentally deleted it and I'm too tired to do it all over again. Sorry! That one was the biggest and had the most thought put into it. One day I'll come back I'm just so fucking mad rn

[andromedaexists]

andi!! my fellow and favourite myth reteller of the greek persuasion. talk to me about descecrate, about call me icarus. whatever you like! 💥🤒🎧🌑🕳💡

krys!!! my fellow and favorite myth reteller of the greek persuasion! how is Namesake going??

💥 - What is the main conflict of the wip?

I already answered this one for Call Me Icarus, so imma do Desecrate this time!!

The main conflict of Desecrate is two-fold: internally Kit has to confront the fact that he is rescuing a divine being, that he is rescuing his God, while externally he has to defy the Catholic Church in order to free the captive God.

🤒 - Is there whump in the wip? What kind?

oh ho ho this one is mighty fun for CMI.

Yes of course there is whump in CMI. Whump is like the cornerstone of Call Me Icarus, it is my bread and butter at this point honestly. The way I define whump is "taking a character and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging situations" (because I know other people have diff definitions)

So, with that, basically all of CMI is whump. however, there are specific scenarios that I feel need mentioned:

The one and only sex scene between Icarus and Apollon where Icarus initiates the entire thing by legitimately shattering Apollon's mind and heart

The entire paranoia/anxiety hallucinations thing Icarus has going on (oh wait, i don't think i've talked about those yet...)

Achilles. just... Achilles. (i'm so sorry to anyone who's become attached to Patroclus)

Icarus deals with a lot of pain always. He's my literal punching bag and resident multi-year burn victim

🎧 - What are the first three songs on the playlist?

yeah okay i just went to look this up and Spotify updated??? what the fuck is that new sidebar, gimme the old one back. like, why the fuck is my folder organization gone??? why are playlists out of order??? who thought this was a good idea?? they were wrong

anyways, i think Desecrate will be the more interesting playlist to look at:

He Is by Ghost

Maybe IDK by Jon Bellion

The Night Does Not Belong To God by Sleep Token

🌑 - Is there reoccurring symbolism? Motifs?

oooooo there is recurring symbolism and motifs in both CMI and Desecrate, though they are more fleshed out in CMI.

First off, feathers. Feathers are a big thing in CMI (i should add more honestly...). There's also fire, that's a big reoccurring motif. uuuhhhh Icarus is autistic so I've written him to pick up on reoccurring symbolism but I can't really go too into depth on that yet because i haven't written it it's not going to start popping up until the end of the book

🕳 - What’s a plot hole you just can’t seem to fix?

i just.. cannot write a smooth progression from Icarus hating Apollon to Icarus loving Apollon again. It eludes me

Also, I've mentioned like multiple times that Icarus is the one who wants to tear down ATLAS but you know what the bitch never once mentions in story until it's forced upon him??? tearing down ATLAS. How did we go from Icarus just trying to cobble together a family to him being all "grrrr trauma burn them to the ground"??? I need to fix that and i just don't know how to yet

💡 - What inspired the wip? When/how did you first get the idea?

I also talked about this one for CMI already, so let's talk Desecrate!!

This idea is much more recent and was inspired by a class I took last semester (Ancient Christianities with Dr. Larson, if anyone remembers me complaining about that class lol)

Basically, towards the end of the semester we covered gnosticism and marcionism and how they were pretty immediately labeled heretical and buried and the only reason we really know that much about them is because of the Nag Hammadi.

So then my brain started creaking and turning and I thought: what if the Catholic Church was preceded by Marcionites instead of the proto-orthodox Christians?

Then, that snowballed into more (regrettably) predictable position of: What if the MC wanted to fuck God?

And thus Desecrate was born

[sincelastsession]

I almost aired all this out over Facebook so i decided to justpost it here instead.

--------

I'm being harassed almost daily by my neighbor.

My things were vandalized while I was home but since I don't have a picture of it on camera happening the apartment complex won't do anything. And it happened twice. And they have their fucking ring doorbell down on the ground pointed at my apartment. And they will not leave me alone including the children who shout things at me. And the office keeps telling me it's hearsay.

But my other neighbors would never do any of this And these people and the other new people that have just moved in are trashy as hell and the entire complex is just not safe anymore. How was walking from getting my mail and the woman told me that she was going to hurt me and that I was as stupid fat bitch because she thought I was reporting her for noise complaint again and the fact that she lets her children run around completely unattended and they have fucked with my things. And they know that I can't do anything about it.

And I've been looking at fucking cameras and I don't know anything about fucking security cameras and I'm trying so hard to just find one and pick it out and buy it.

I have done everything that I could possibly do about that. I even went over that with my therapist and he has no clue what else can be done other than "move". I cannot continue to walk around my own home with noise-canceling headphones to block out the insanely loud bullshit.

I've been trying to move for quite a while now. I've had 3 different doctors tell my parents that they needed to move me as soon as possible. I was given various dates of when I would get to move and different places did that I was going to get to move to. I was just recently told never mind And that I will not be moving at all. I cannot trust anything that they say because they lie and they say one thing and then they say the other.

And I've been in therapy and have goals for therapy and I cannot reach any of the goals coming up in therapy with the environment I'm living in it's not good for me and there's nothing that I can do about it. So basically I'm just wasting therapy appointments. I was just trying to move to a peaceful spot, decompress and unpack and the go hard in therapy to reach a goal to become financially independent away from them all.

Dad has me blocked and is "done" with me because he won't acknowledge what he and my sister did to me in January was WRONG. I sustained tissue damage in my neck. I still have a year to report it but I was threatened multiple times.

My executive dysfunction is completely fucking out of control. I'm in autistic burnout and having a PTSD flare from hell. But according to my father I'm just full of shit and my doctors are all wrong and he's right.

I just had to take my ESA cat June to the vet. She's not doing well. I have to give her meds twice a day.

I can't have kids. My cats are the closest thing that I will ever have to children. So it was awesome to hear from both of my parents that they didn't Care about my fucking cat when I tried to let them Know what was going on.

And they talk so much shit to my aunts and uncles and I can't get any just verbal support from them. I just told not to contact them unless it's an emergency. They have absolutely no fucking clue about what my life is actually like or who I am as a person. Just nasty assumptions.

They don't realize that I'm struggling so hard to get away from these people and their cyclical bullshit. I really need the support and they don't care. They have no idea how much I have been used and have been abused my entire life. They don't care to know.

I mean I'm almost 38 this is fucking embarrassing.

No one has to live with this but me so it'd be great if everyone would shut the fuck up about how they don't like hearing about my life or how much of a pain it is to talk with me because they won't educate themselves on shit.

Trying to get an autistic person to act allistic imo is like trying to tell someone they aren't actually gay. Which yeah I also get criticism about like it's a phase. I'm almost 38 it's not a fuck phase jfc.

I didn't ask to be born in such a dysfunctional family I did not ask for all the horrible horrible traumatic things that happened to me to happen.

And I'm sure lots of people have it much much worse but holy fuck

I mean I'm having to wear a fucking heart monitor because I probably have a heart condition that has been aggravated by all the stress I've been under.

And now I have just found out that my sister and her fiance broke it off and somehow this is my fault even though I had no idea what was going on.

I have spoken to her ONCE in the past 6 months and I told her now ex fiancé "Good Luck" as he went into training recently for the marines.

To top it all off my sister fucking hates me because I showed my mom a photoshoot she did and my mother goddamn slut shamed her clothes. It's not like they had her in dance wearing next to nothing for years before she was an adult. And yes I tore into my mother because the amount of clothing doesn't matter. I was fucking raped at a party as a teen with an adult around and I was not wearing "skimpy clothes".

I don't know what to do I just want to fucking scream and scream and scream

And I can't even scream in my own apartment because then the neighbors will have a reason to fall a noise complaint against me because they're that petty

I'm about to fucking start smoking cigarettes again.

Fuck this

[aheartscraving]

introduction

hello!

after much deliberation, i've decided to make a secondary blog to explore some of my 18+ interests and desires. i am not comfortable revealing myself so this is just going to be a mask i put on from time to time. i'm a shapeshifter, what else should i be?

without getting into specifics, let's say that even though i'm on my late 20s, i missed out on most life experiences including exploration of sexuality out of guilt, shame, a feeling that it wasn't adequate or correct for me to do so, etc. long, life-altering depressive state. a couple of years ago someone very dear to me shook me out of that place and gave me a lot to think about, and i'm finally deciding to be more open about things i repressed for a long time, at least as far as writing things on this blog.

it is important to note than being open about anything sexual, for me, is new. so in that regard, expression, i am pretty vanilla as i don't really know how to do that and i haven't been part of 18+ circles to learn.

horny

as far as the things that turn me on... i am honestly really intrigued by domming. not so much for power, but out of a desire to see someone desperately want and need me. now i wouldn't want to be controlling in a toxic sense, but i think i have a lot of issues about feeling adequate, and seeing someone in a position where they would completely remove that anxiety out of my mind on a more instinctual sense... is one of the most attractive things i could imagine. i don't think i could feel free to express myself if i didn't have that. so i am pretty attracted to anyone leaning more towards submissiveness basically, although my personal preference would probably be someone who is less shy and more eager. i also fantasize a lot on the idea of getting said person off via care, praise, and essentially, just confirmation that they're loving our connection in the moment. it sounds a bit silly, but that's kind of what does it for me. i want to hear you make noises. i want to hear exactly how you feel.

self-description

dark eyes. dark medium length hair with bangs that cover my face. i have a penis. that's as much physical description as you're getting out of me.

do not recite gender to me, i avoid that bitch with a two meter pole. i am exclusively attracted to women, kinda wish i was one. might become one in the near future, or at least as far as my brain allows me to say that. less so interested in the gender performance of it all and more into wanting my body and the perception people have of me to fundamentally change. again, i have issues, and i do not wish to be associated with anything re: masculinity.

closing thoughts

uhh, as an extra, the most attractive person to me would probably be someone who is super open and honest about her desires and wouldn't feel any shame in going for them. someone who is happily expressing herself. also a straight up weirdo with a lack of understanding of social cues, instead just doing her own thing. in terms of physical attraction... tall, pale, broad shoulders, short to medium hair with bangs, hook nose. none of these are necessary, but they are traits that immediately captivate me. if you must know, my first crush kinda had those features, and that kinda became my basis for attractiveness, so...

anyway, that's all! and in case it wasn't obvious enough from reading this post, i am autistic btw 👍 and also a virgin! surprising, i know!

oh! i took that bdsm test everyone always talks about the other day. here's my results:

if anyone ever wants to talk about anything please feel free to reply to, ask, or DM me at any time!

part of my recovery is trying to talk to people and not being as much of a hermit, and would honestly love to talk to people about things i never expressed to others before too, as that is the purpose of this blog.

thank you for reading this, i hope you have a nice day.

[hardpacker]

i am proceeding with the rotten work of writing a story where the US military is hyperpresent and so is transness, and transness under surveillance and scrutiny by the military, not permitting it but observing it...

and trying to make it really clear that the US military is a structure beyond like normal livable gender. it can create gender(s) internally, thru its machinations, but it isn't a neutral abider of gender— the US military is an unnatural force, transing your gender is very natural and even if it wasn't, it is a neutral thing or force for good, it is by definition life-creating and life-preserving. i worry about it because of the same dumb old bullshit about masculinity being inherently toxic and masculinity being a "show your work" kind of thing where you have to prove you've dismantled and disarmed and disavowed all the trappings of whatever the Fuck the world believes masculinity to entail... but i'm writing about very traumatised very autistic people in specific environments who are scraping themselves together in the ways they can, totally separate from these other gender mythologies... i find it incredibly tiresome to litigate and negotiate maleness like it's a sin that must be cleansed in front of an audience or else it never happened, and yet to embody anything less than the disgusting cruel monster people expect means you're a dumb fucking faker too scared to wrestle with the implications of your desire.

but anyway. i've come up with something that's almost too fucking sad to bear aaaaaaungh!!!! i'm like a hellraiser guy trying to find new titillating avenues for pain and now i've done it and perhaps i've strayed too far... Because what i've done here is given myself room to project on both father and son which is horrible simply horrible. ten years ago i thought i'd have kids and gave myself a cutoff which i passed 5 years ago. insane. totally arbitrary.

also, in my thing, the military is also represented by a woman, a mother. mother is authority, a betrayer, mother is a position of power and power can mother a person— for a price. she owns you, she moulds you. certain types of people including certain types of women can thrive in a system that necessitates pushing other people down in order to maintain their own safety. happens all the time. once you reach a certain height, gender ceases to be of real concern, and far down below, in the most intimate of settings, pain and abuse can feel genderless too if the same effect is felt regardless of who deals it. idk. it's hard for me to imagine gender as being as universal an experience as the experience of all-consuming militarism, the grind of the machine. gender seems so much more relative to me, but anka says maybe 5 other people on the planet might agree and that's it LOL.

(which isn't to say i don't believe in patterns of gendered violence!!!! like i get it! but when transness is part of that i think it becomes more complicated to gender that violence... or well, gender yourself within it as a victim/survivor, and even understand how gender affects the perpetrator...)

i keep deviating from the point. what i'm TRYING TO SAY, if you EVEN CARE, is that writing about a trans fatherhood denied, and the grief of basically being removed from fatherhood by the state which wants to raise your kid as its agent, is so hard on my little bitch heart it's agony!!! i love it but it fucking sucks!!

[pale-silver-comb]

So I know absolutely nothing about Leverage except what I've been seeing you post lately and I have to admit you're making it look tempting to watch! Can I ask what are some of your favorite things about the show/reasons you would suggest people watch it? And is there really a poly relationship that is canon?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I am going to do my best not to just “asdfghkjl” at you and answer coherently.

In a nutshell, Leverage is about 5 people. 4 are criminals (Parker, Hardison, Eliot and Sophie) with different and unique skill-sets and 1 is an ex-insurance investigator (Nate) who, at one point or another in his career, has tracked down (or at least attempted to) the other 4. The whole show is essentially: man reluctantly reforms 4 criminals to use their criminal powers for good and 4 criminals move into man’s life and stubbornly refuse to leave because, goddammit, now they have morals. 

I’ve got a lot of favourite things about the show but the main ones are as follows:

1. Found family. And I’m not talking about loners who come together to fight crime and happen to co-exist to the point where they realise they happen to have found themselves a family. I mean, Nate and Sophie are the Drunk Uncle and Wine Aunt who somehow become Mom and Dad to 3 beautiful criminal children. Mom and Dad love their criminal babies and the kids love them (as well as each other, but we’ll come to that in a moment). You get amazing family moments such as: Mom and Dad packing the kids lunch before sending them out to kick corporate greed’s ass; Mom and Dad giving the kids ridiculously expensive and personal Christmas presents causing their most Grumpy Kid to go very very quiet and soft as he runs off to gleefully play with his new murder toy; the kids interrupting Mom and Dad’s big Movie Style Kiss to ask if they can please keep their new underground layer and huffing and puffing when Dad tells them no.

2. Found family: the OT3 edition. To answer your question, the OT3 is indeed canon, confirmed by the creator. Now, usually, “confirmed by the creator” infuriates me because most of the time it’s a way for a creator to be seen as “progressive” without doing anything to actually be progressive. That isn’t the case here. The OT3 are built up carefully and while it is obvious the creators didn’t originally intend for all 3 of them to become a relationship in the romantic sense, by mid-season 5 we are given a very clear picture of where Parker, Hardison and Eliot are heading in their relationship. There aren’t any kisses at the end to signal this but there are solid marriage vows in not only one but two episodes. (And by marriage vows I mean literal equivalents of marriage vows: “for better or worse” and “’til death do us part”. I’m not even exaggerating). The OT3 also doesn’t need explicit romantic narratives to convey how much they love each other. Their love is laced through the whole show, from the way they teach each other things to the way they respond to each other and work as a unit. The way they fiercely protect and admire each other. Like someone once said, if you need characters to kiss or say I love you to let the audience know they love each other, you are writing them wrong. 

Aside from that, each of the parings in the OT3 are just. Gah. They are so well done, with friendship being the solid basis for them all. The creators never expect the audience to assume anything about them or fill in the gaps. They give us their relationships on screen and reference many things off-screen to show us how these relationships continue to build in between episodes.

Hardison and Parker are a canon couple and date in the show: it’s approached slowly and they are so goddamned sweet. They are basically every fluffy slow-burn trope with a healthy dash of mutual pining in the mix. They are basically that quote “love is patient, love is kind”. (I would like to add their romance never becomes the focus of the show or overrides the importance of any other relationship they have with the other characters, especially Eliot.)

Hardison and Eliot are the Old Married Couple and from day one are already bickering and looking at each other/making comments that are found in every UST fic ever (not to mention Hardison has a very good knack for making Eliot grin like a little kid, when usually he’s basically an Angry Little Chef Man). They argue, they play, and love each other plain as day. 

Parker and Eliot are more subtle but every bit as wonderful. They have an unspoken connection and understand each other on a level no-one else can. Parker and Eliot are not good with giving themselves over to affection for different reasons (and Hardison plays a central role in helping them realise it’s okay to want it and have it- that boy has endless patience) but there is something so beautiful in the way the two of them come together on their own and develop their own special bond that works for them. Parker and Eliot are that trope where the characters don’t need to speak to understand each other perfectly. They just do. Their love language is a lot of the time non-verbal but speaks volumes. (Parker also likes to annoy the hell out of Eliot and Eliot....just.....lets...her. Because he’s soft. The softest, grumpiest boy.) 

I could go into so much depth for each pairing and their dynamics as a 3 but that's for another post.

3. Subverting stereotypes. There is the occasional hiccup in the show regarding stereotypes but ultimately, Leverage gets an A+ when it comes to writing characters and making them 3 dimensional people who are not defined by certain characteristics or events. Nate could so easily fall into the White Man Pain trope where he uses the trauma of losing his kid as a reason as to why he is entitled to act like a dick. Nate is a dick but he doesn’t use his pain to excuse it and I appreciate that. Hardison is a black man who is soft and nurturing. Easily the most empathetic and patient of the group. He’s nerdy, an actual genius, and has the biggest heart of all the characters. Nate is maybe the glue but Hardison is definitely the heart. Media’s usual aggressive, amongst other, racist stereotypes can fuck right off. Parker is canonically autistic (I am sure this was confirmed by one of the creators) and she is not defined by it. It’s not written as some kind of singular personality trait. It’s part of what makes up Parker but it’s only one facet of who she is and not once is her actions, thoughts or feelings treated like a joke. Sometimes people don’t understand why she does and says the things she does but it’s met with patience and fondness over the course of the show. Equally, it’s not met with over-caution. Parker is just Parker. No-one tries to change her. The other nice thing is Hardison, who always makes sure Parker knows she’s amazing because of who she is and not in spite of it. Finally, Sophie is in her 40s. She’s not treated like she’s past her prime. Ever. She’s sexy, smart and never is she pitted against or compared to Parker (who is younger) for anything. Sophie is amazing and there’s never even a conversation of “I may be older but I am still *insert adjective typically associated with younger women here*”. Sophie is possibly the first female character I’ve ever seen who isn’t just unapologetic about her age but has never had to apologise for her age. It’s a non-issue and that’s that. The women on the show are written so well, right down to secondary characters and it’s beyond refreshing.  

4.) It’s just fun. The show has a “monster of the week” type format. Except instead of a ghoul or a ghost, the monster is some corrupt wealthy and powerful individual or organisation. The show draws on real-life individuals to do this and therefore closely parallels real-life people and events. It addresses important political, economical, social and environmental issues while at the same time remaining fun and light-hearted. The characters constantly get the chance to play dress up and by GOD do they have fun with it. You get to watch Eliot beat up bad guys in the most delightful of ways, usually after a witty non-sequitur and with a weapon you’d never think could be a weapon. The dialogue and back and forth between the characters is everything. And finally - my favourite thing- the team can never resist striking a dramatic pose after they’ve taken down the bad guy, making sure the bad guy sees them. I mean, they COULD just walk away, satisfied they’ve taken the person down, but nope. They gotta be dramatic bitches 24/7 and pose like they are models for every single month of this year’s Criminal Calendar.  

5.) Competence Porn. So. Much. Competence Porn.  

Honestly, I could list a thousand reasons for why Leverage is amazing but to list them would to be spoiling so many amazing moments you’d get to discover for the first time on your own if you do choose to watch it. It’s the kind of show you can watch with an eagle-eye and sink your teeth into. But it’s also the kind of show if, you would prefer, put on in the background for something entertaining while you do something else. Each episode is about the job at hand but it’s made up of so many moments between the characters that show how much the creators and writers care about them. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll do whatever it is you do when something Soft and Wonderful happens that makes your heart melt. I am so beyond grateful for Leverage. It’s everything I always wanted in a show. Nearly every show I’ve watched in the past 10 years has disappointed me in some way, usually either because the writers run out of steam or characters who I love are treated poorly or given some kind of unnecessary “shock value” arc. Leverage doesn’t do that. Leverage is what it says on the bottle. Fandom isn’t something I joined because I needed canon fix-its. Fandom only enhances and celebrates an already excellent canon.