#i've been having some life issues lately and haven't had much energy to post but i still very much love lotf

[piggy-i-broke-the-conch]

Heard someone say that liking books that are commonly assigned in high school suggests you probably haven't read a book since high school and I'm so mad. I study English literature at university and therefore read all the time, but my favourite book is still Lord of the Flies and has been since I was 13 years old.

People are often introduced to these books in high school but that doesn't mean they're bad or lack academic value. Academics who have been in the field for decades are still thinking and writing about these books. Even books that are literally written for children can be worth studying. And even if they aren't who cares? Some people just like certain books because they make them happy, and that is in no way an indicator of their general intelligence or education level.

I just hate the logic that you're somehow lesser because you were introduced to a book at a younger age and fell in love with it. People seriously need to stop bashing other people for liking things.

[onyourowndaisymae]

blog update

hi! it's been awhile since i've posted anything substantial. some of you might have noticed that progress for the "when they fall in love" series has halted, that only little drabbles or shitposts have been posted as of late, etc etc-- i want to say my peace and get it all out there.

to make a long story short, blog posts will be slowing way down to accommodate for my declining health, but i am still looking to post drabbles and such until i am healthier. kink/flufftober prompts will be pushed back to a do-over kink/flufftober when i have the energy to do so. my "personal" blog is @oopsiedaisymae and that's where i'll be moving most of my reblogs, likes, mutual following, etc etc so follow there if you want to see my nonsense. this blog will not be shutting down. y'all are stuck with me.

to make a long story long... (cw for chronic illness, nausea, unintentional disordered eating, american nonsense)

last year, during finals season in college, i got sick as fuck with a stomach infection. since then, i have quite literally never been the same. i went from being a normal student to being plagued with abdominal pain, constant nausea (and i'm emetophobic so that sucked SO much ass) and being unable to leave the house some days. i've had ups and downs with my health since-- some days i can eat semi-normal, other days i'd be completely unable to stomach anything solid. as of now, we're on the worse end of that spectrum.

also around this time, i lost my health insurance. so the entirety of this calendar year i haven't had insurance, and although my primary care clinic is cheap, my issues are beyond what a primary care clinic can provide. because i'm in america, an uninsured trip to the ER would quite literally bankrupt me. so i've been waiting on insurance to get said proper medical care. i'm hoping that'll come sooner rather than later-- my birthday is next month and i'd like to not be in the hospital when it comes around!

with all of this, i have (understandably) not been eating well and have lost a significant amount of weight. eating hurts, and trying to eat a healthy amount makes me incredibly nauseated and in pain. the question every day is: do i want to not be in pain but be unable to think, or do i suffer physically to have some mental capacity for the day? it's a lose-lose situation.

this has really upset me bc writing has always been a place to escape to as my life falls apart, but now even stringing together words is hard. i want to write. before this most recent batch of hell i was stringing together a masterlist for kinktober, but i can't even finish the pieces i was already working on bc i can't think. shit sucks.

anyways. all this to say: once i get proper medical care, it's over for you hoes. i will start posting full-length fics again once i am able. in the mean time, expect little drabbles here and there. i will be hosting my do-over kinktober and flufftober events when i am able, even if that shit means i'm posting in may or something. i will be dicking around on @oopsiedaisymae, my personal blog, in the mean time. oh, and i'm into twisted wonderland now, too. so expect content for that when i come back in full swing.

i think that's everything. if i have anything else to say, i'm sure i'll mention it. in the mean time, feel free to explore my blog or my mutuals' blogs to get your writing content fill. thanks for sticking around :) mwah.

[anonymouspuzzler]

Yay Yipee I Finally Remembered I Should Update Folks On Things That Are Happening

because hey whoops as some of you might remember Supposedly I Stream Sometimes! That Uhhhh Hasn't Happened In A While Has It! so I should probably let folks know what's goin' on!! the long and the short of it is

Around late November/early December I started having issues where Discord would crash and restart anytime I tried to screenshare my capture software with my friends who I stream with. This put console game streams (so 2/3 of the games we were streaming) on the backburner till I could troubleshoot and solve that issue

On top of that it was Fucking Finals Season for me at my Graduate School so at a certain point I had to be responsible and focus on getting my final projects & essays done, which meant sacrificing stream time till my break (where I would hopefully have time to troubleshoot and then do a ton of streaming to make up for lost time)

Except THEN literally the second I went home for the holidays my hard drive abruptly and completely died. It is very possible that this contributed to the aforementioned tech issues

I was able to replace the drive and get my computer working again but because I have a Fucking Curse a lot of tech-side things were lost or started experiencing issues due to the new drive, namely A) I haven't been able to get my capture software working yet and B) whoops my entire OBS layout is just gone now I guess

This whole saga, on top of juggling other life shit and work and the like, effectively ate up my entire winter break

so tl;dr! I have a computer curse and because of it streams are gonna have to wait till I can get both OBS and my capture software working again. I'm hoping to work on that this weekend so I can be back to streaming next week, but given my school & job workload I'm guessing it'll more likely be two or three weeks. On top of that, I won't be streaming most of March due to reason of "my partner is visiting then". all of this sucks cause I want to be streaming, both for reason of "i like spending time with my good friends doing this" and "haha whoops I'm not earning money now and oh boy there sure are a lot of expenses flying at my head like rocks huh".

I've already rambled a bit more than I'd like to now so here's da main points:

Streams will (HOPEFULLY) be back in February. When they are, they'll be Monday & Tuesday nights, 5:30pst/8:30est, for as long as my friends remain available at those times (we're all adults having to look for or maintain Day Jobs so availability could change. y'all know how it is). I may also do occasional one-off streams on weekends as my energy 'n schedule permits, most likely art streams

I'll continue to be around on Holly's streams Fri/Sat/Sun as her schedule permits, because I don't have to rebuild OBS from the ground up for that

There is a 99.99% chance I'll be totally absent stream-wise during March

Even though streams are facing The Troubles I am still taking art commissions! Those haven't been affected!! You can submit an interest form here and I'll reach out to confirm prices as soon as I'm ready to start work on yours

If, out of the kindness of your heart, you would like to toss some support my way during The Troubles (which would be much appreciated; as said I've got a lot of expenses coming my way and unfortunately my day job covers my rent and nothing more), here are some other ways you can do so: -- Tip me on Ko-Fi; if you pay $9 or more you can request a doodle that I'll do for you and post on here & twitter (and might stream the process of drawing once that's up and running again). Here's an example of some Ko-Fi doodles I did previously -- You can also tip through my stream page if you want but I probably won't see those till I start streaming again. Still appreciated!!! -- I have a Throne Wishlist that's mostly stuff like kitchenware, household goods, stuff for my kitty, etc. There's also a few Fun Things though, like vinyls and a billy big bass Jay insisted I add. Either way, if you wanna contribute to something on there it means a lot. You can also suggest items to make me laugh

an' above all: thank you for reading and for bein' around!!

[van-yangyin]

TW tw: mental breakdown, tw: illness, it's abour our dog (Lea and me), just in case

A month and a few days ago I guess you have seen how I've done practically nothing on this blog, just writing challenges and little else. That's because some time ago Yuka, the puppy of our family (me and @lea-heartscxiv among them) didn't eat any fodder, and started scratching the wall with her mouth. At first we didn't take it as something so serious, in fact we thought it was the fodder, because she did eat the homemade food. But the night of the 6th to the 7th July, during the night she became very immobile and only breathed (although the first thing shouted was that she was dead, which was something quite shocking, before seeing her breathing) so we decided to take her to the vet, first we went to one and she told us that Yuka was anemic, that she ate very little and that lacked red blood cells, she needed a blood transfusion and they referred us to another vet. We went to the other vet and they did the same tests as at the other vet because the information they sent to them was insufficient and poorly done. They did an analysis and an ultrasound, in the analysis they found insufficient red blood cells as in the other vet and in the ultrasound they found that she has a fairly large tumor in the stomach which is what causes anemia, as the tumor causes the vitamins in the food to reject the vitamins provided.

The first operation is very expensive, of the three options we were given from $1600 to $2600 the most expensive (more or less) and it is also the first of many, not counting chemotherapies. It's a hereditary disease, she's 10 years old and her father died when he was 13 years old because of the same thing, so surely it was something that had to happen to her. In the end, much to our regret, we have decided not to operate her, because of the financial issue and because we don't want her to spend the last years of her life with operations and all that entails both physically and psychologically. This week until next week we're administering pills and liquids that protect her stomach so that she can eat again, the problem is that it's decisive that she eats, otherwise we will have to go back to the vet and see what we can do. And just today she doesn't want to eat anything and has vomited the pill along with the food we have given her. We have already had another dog with tumor in the past, in fact she had threetumors and died at the age of 15 without any operation, in fact she died because got lost and her condition when she was found was very weak (I was still a toddler). Although we know that every dog is different, when it has to happen it will happen and in the meantime she will be surrounded by lots of love and lots of cuddles, be it one, two, three, four, five years or whatever.

Lately that's why I haven't had the energy to sit down and start organizing posts of Custom Content to share. I've only been able to draw, write and create half-made custom content that isn't even well done, because of this lack of emotional energy.

I hope you can understand my situation. It's not that I'm leaving everything half done, it's just that my mental energy is only focused on Yuka, just like it's with Lea. We're starting again to publishing but for Costum Content part I don't want to share anything at the moment, because I can't do things in mood I'm in and then later regret what I've shared because I hated the final result.

I'm already starting to process everything that is going on and waiting for this week to see how everything progresses and if Yuka will finally eat or not, and get the energy she's missing. It's so heartbreaking to see how she wouldn't stand still before and now she's not even able to walk down a step from the door to go into the house. All she can do is just lie in the yard. But unlike the other day, now every time we go to her, she gets up and wags her tail, which was very difficult for her the pasts days.

[nyctophobia-au]

Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

[stormboundscholar]

Journal Entry

December 4, 2023

Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog. I haven't posted in a while, and I must sadly admit this will probably happen again. I have decided to stick to a journal-like type of blog instead so that things are easier to follow.

***Note: This post sadly turned into a rant as I was writing it. It may be a bit of a downer, so feel free to skip this one if you want.

Well, things have certainly changed a lot lately.

Let's start with my social life. It should be the most important part of the human experience after all. It hasn't been great. Even though I didn't appreciate it enough, I was actually well liked by all of my classmates. This sadly changed after several blunders by the school administration. My teachers like me a lot, and (not bragging about it, just a fact) I am the best student in my class by many metrics. Long story short, my teachers sadly showed their favoritism way too much, and I sadly lost some friends over that. I also lost a lot of goodwill with the friends that stayed.

Everyone wants to be at the top, in my current environment that puts a target on my back. I wanted to avoid the worst effects of this by trying my best to be nice to everyone, but sadly I failed. I still try to act friendly with everyone but I've been getting the cold shoulder a lot more than usual. What started as friendly competition has turned into rivalry and I hate it.

Weirdly enough, I have started doing better with my exams. There seems to be a correlation between my loneliness and success. I guess that's a silver lining.

Well, while my exam results are getting better, I must admit that my work ethic has suffered a lot lately. There are just a lot of stressful things I have to juggle at once. My teachers are continuing to hand out tens of pages of homework like usual. The spectre of my University entrance exams are looming on my back like always, getting ever closer. An involuntary, but still sedentary lifestyle is actively hurting my body and mind. I am trying to keep my calories in check to avoid the worst effects but I guess it is still affecting me. I am not a winter person so that's another issue that annoys me from time to time. Lately I just haven't had a lot of energy to study because I have to deal with all that.

I've also been indulging my addictions more and more as of late. My brain just wants the easy serotonin that social media provides. I hate that this piece of shit is basically all the entertainment I have, or I would have thrown away my phone by now... Damn it!

Things were going great. Where did I mess up? Winter is always an unproductive season for me but I didn't think that it would be this bad!

I need to get my shit together and fast. It's possible to handle most of my problems , just a little too hard for my tastes. I still hope that I can return here with good news soon

Well, this unintentionally turned into a rant. I know that it may have been a bit of a downer, but I just had to spill my thoughts out somewhere. Maybe I will try to make a more uplifting post tomorrow, plan what I can do to solve my problems.

In any case, that's all for now. Good night everyone, and good luck!

[mackeralsauce]

hey all here's some vent art. no TWs are needed i think since there's nothing graphic or scary

will write under the "read more" line about what's been bothering me. just keep in mind it will have discussions of death, insomnia, anxiety, unsafe environments, stress, ED, etc.

things haven't been great.

during the day i'm typically fine. i'm not sure why it is, maybe the sunlight makes me feel safer, or it's because more people are awake so i am able to keep myself distracted with conversation. at night though i have issues with insomnia, it's been like that my whole life. it's partially restlessness/strange internal clock, but it's also because of my anxiety and overthinking.

lately these issues have been worse because of everything going on. due to how chaotic my life has been i have not been able to get financial aid for the college i was planning on attending, so i had to cancel said courses. all the adults in my life have always applied pressure on me to go to college because of how "bright" i am. even if i don't feel much respect for most of them (due to how they've treated me, i promise i have good reason), i still have been conditioned to see myself as a failure for this. even if i go to college at a later date, or even if i end up successful and happy without it, there will always be that lingering feeling of shame. most of my irl acquaintences are always posting and talking about their move-in dates and classes. i want to be happy for them, but all i can feel is a feeling of failure towards myself.

ever since my mammaw's death, it hasn't been great. i didn't always get along with her but truth is she raised me more than anyone else in my life, or at least, she raised me the best out of anyone in my life. she was always there for me and was always looking out for me. if i ever didn't know what to do in real-life situations, she typically had solid advice. she's gone. i know that logically but this is the first time i've lost someone important. i can't process her being gone, especially considering my own difficulties with processing the concept of death and existentialism. i can't ask her for advice anymore, she would have known the best how to deal with everything. the thing is, if i had some peace and quiet, i'd probably be able to process and cope with everything much easier. i haven't had peace and quiet. my family has been at each others throats since what happened. i dread every passing day because i know i could end up having it ruined from everyone infighting.

i can barely fall asleep anymore. trying to just leads me to fighting off thinking about mammaw, fighting off existential dread, or fighting off the thought that i am not doing enough. i need to be productive or i'm wasting what limited time i have on this earth. yet i don't have the energy to create. i've been very subsceptible to posts that can affect someone negatively (fear-mongering, ones that promote negative habits such as starving oneself, etc.), i haven't been able to operate as normal (or normal for me at least), i've been a mess. during the day i'm fine but at night everything breaks i guess.

oh, and one more thing. the person who killed her is pleading not guilty. i've been sickened by that ever since hearing about it. there was so much blatant evidence, and they still want to try and pretend like it never happened. the fact that people can act like that appals me.

i want to rot in my chair but that won't get anything done. hopefully the energy drink i had today will push me to do something.

[ashers-transition]

1 Month T Update (January 13, 2023)

Here's my one month update for being on testosterone! (Sorry it's a bit late, life got ahead of me).

So far I have noticed no physical changes, so I will be skipping over those portions instead of just saying "no changes" over and over, and instead I'll just include the changes I have noticed.

Please check my pinned post for more info about me and why I started this blog! CWs: eye contact (in video), discussion of menstruation, discussion of appetite and disordered eating. (If I've missed any content warnings that I should include, please let me know and I will add them in).

Menstrual Cycle

So far I have only gotten my period once since starting testosterone, since this is only my one month update. In my pre T post, I mention that I struggle with chronic pain, and that I get a flare whenever I get my period, with the first day being the worst. I started a new pain medication around three months ago that has lessened those flares enough for me to be functional during them.

This month, the first day of my period was absolutely awful. Previously, if I could tell that I was about to get my period I would take some as-needed pain meds the night before to help lessen the flare, but with my new daily pain meds helping so much I stopped doing that for my more recent periods and had been fine so far.

This time, the flare was so bad that I once again was not able to function. My cramps and overall pain were so bad I could barely move, and I honestly felt like crying. I also almost passed out at one point while sitting down (my POTS is decently mild, so this is not normal for me).

I am unable to say whether this is due to the testosterone, or if it's just that my fibromyaligia and POTS decided to flare around the same time I got my period by coincidence. I'm hoping this won't be a trend, cause holy shit that sucked.

Acne

I have noticed a slight increase in acne. It hasn't gotten too bad* yet though, it's basically just like the minor breakouts I get whenever my period starts but all the time.

(*note: I fully believe that acne is a neutral feature and is not inherently bad. It only becomes an issue if it starts negatively affecting you; for example, if it becomes painful. I personally struggle with BFRBs, and acne can be a trigger for me).

Appetite

I have noticed a slight increase in my appetite. I still eat around 2-3 meals a day, but I have begun snacking more in between.

Voice

I personally haven't noticed a difference in my voice, though there does seem to be a difference between my pre T video and this one. I think it's more to do with the fact that I just naturally have a fluctuation pitch depending on how much energy I have to put into trying to lower my voice. I also have not had anyone else notice a change in my voice, including both those that I have told I'm going on T and those I haven't.

[Video description: A waist high video of Asher talking to the camera. End video description.]

[Video transcript: "Hi, my name is Asher, and this is my voice one month on T."]

Other

I mentioned previously that I was going to start taking testosterone gel, due to my BPD and ADHD making me worried about mood swings and forgetting a weekly shot. I still think this would be my ideal method of taking T, however I did end up having a mild reaction to the gel. The pictures are difficult to see, but the gel was very very drying. I knew this could be an issue because the gel is alcohol based, but it was so drying for me that the skin in the area became super rough and even started flaking. (Image one)

The are also gets red and itchy after application, and sometimes it even feels like it's burning a little. (Image two)

Due to this, I will be switching over to taking testosterone through injections, starting at the three month mark. (I paid good money for the gel so I'm going to use it all before switching lol. In the meantime I will be rotating the application area more than I have been).

[countesspetofi]

Too late to make a long story short

So, yeah. I planned on posting this last June, but I never got around to it because I was going through some health problems that had me pretty drained both physically and emotionally. And I'm actually getting around to it pretty late in life, for reasons which I'll briefly discuss further down.

This is my official coming out. I've tried to talk about it with my mother, but I don't think she really completely gets it, and I didn't want to push her. It's not that I don't think she'd be supportive - she absolutely would - but I just haven't got the mental energy.

I'm the IA that so often gets left off the end of LGBTQIA+. That is, Intersex and Asexual. And although I haven't deliberately tried to hide it (and for all I know, people may have guessed and just never mentioned it), there are a few reasons why I've never made this sort of open declaration before.

Firstly, I can't deny that I have a great deal of passing privilege that has made my life easier. I was AFAB and still identify as female. I wasn't born with ambiguous genitalia or subjected to lies and/or "corrective" surgery as a minor. There are plenty of other circumstances in my life, like poverty and disability, which people were free to assume were the reason I've never been in a long-term romantic relationship. I'm neither aro nor sex-repulsed, so I've never made an effort to stay out of conversations about celebrity crushes or the aesthetics of the human form. (Although, like a lot of ace folk of my generation, I grew up totally believing most people were really like me and just put on a show of being sex-obsessed because the media told hem they should be.) Now that so many married friends my age are divorced, my single state isn't even as as uncommon as it used to be. In addition, I'm a bit of a coward. I've seen other ace women have to deal with "jokes" and thinly veiled threats about "corrective r*pe," and as a survivor of childhood SA I was a bit panicky about having those directed at me, even if only online.

Secondly, I didn't discover my intersex condition or the terminology to describe my asexuality until adulthood. It was helpful TO ME to be able to understand myself though those lenses, but I wasn't so sure it made much of a difference to anybody else. I've been called attention-seeking for discussing my disabilities, medical issues, childhood experiences with abuse, etc., and it felt like I'd be inviting more of the same.

Thirdly, I know that some very outspoken people exist, both inside and outside the queer community, who don't think intersex or asexual people are "queer enough" to be included. I've heard everything from "It's only the LGBT that really count" to "How can you expect us to remember two more letters?" to "those things are about what you're NOT and not what you ARE." And I really don't take rejection well.

So, why have I decided to go ahead and "officially" come out? The past few years have seen some real threats against the progress we've made just in my lifetime. If there's one thing living in this century has taught me, it's that you can never sit back and take progress for granted. I'm having trouble finding the exact quote and its source, but somebody said something to me recently about democracy being to fragile to be left unattended, and it really stuck with me. I may only be one person, but I think I can probably be more useful if I stand up to be counted. I don't know, maybe I can't do anything more than I could when presenting as a straight ally, but if even one person takes what I say more seriously because they know where I'm coming from, and that I'm talking about my own experiences, I think it's worth it.

Anyway, here are my lame attempts to combine the intersex and ace flags. I've never been ashamed of what I am, but it does feel nice to openly show a bit of pride.

[throwawayformydb]

Falling in love everyday

Note: this post was originally published on /r/DeadBedrooms

Today, I realized I'm falling in love a lot. It might be a waitress, a barista, or someone I see walking by. These women aren't necessarily provocatively dressed, they don't exude sexual energy or some other magical thing.

They just seem nice.

And as I sat here in a coffee shop trying not to follow the nice-seeming barista around the store with my eyes as she went about her duties, it occurred to me just how pathetic this is. I feel like that socially-awkward, hopeless guy that we all knew in high school—the one that you just knew would never get a date, because he'd never have the courage to ask for one.

Only for me it isn't a lack of courage. It's that I'm married to someone whom I love dearly, but from whom I no longer receive any affection.

She'd kill me if she saw me looking at other women. She'd be devastated if she knew how often I find my heart beating a little faster when someone who happens to be female shows me the least big of basic human kindness. A smile, a funny remark. A little cheerful banter.

Why does all of this affect me this way? Because I haven't felt it from or for my wife in... much longer than I care to admit.

Sure—we still exchange "I love yous" every day. I do everything I can to make her life easier. I help around the house. I offer to do school drop-offs and pick-ups. I help with homework. I also work endless hours in the business we've built together and carry far more of the weight than I should, or that's even close to sustainable. For her, we're better off financially than we've been in years. But I'm the one handling all the stress of the money and daily juggling all the pressures to make sure she doesn't have to handle the difficult stuff.

And we have sex once or twice a month. I almost never initiate anymore because it feels to her like I'm pressuring her. We've talked. We've had something similar to "the talk." She's going to work on it, she really is. But things have been hard. Transitions in parenting. Transitions in hormones. Being sick. Being busy. Extra stuff on the plate.

It all adds up. But what it adds up to is, "I don't matter." My feelings don't matter. The fact that I feel unloved doesn't matter. The fact that nothing I've done (including creating more financial stability) makes her want to be affectionate towards me—not to mention have sex with me—tells me that she really is the self-centered person I always told myself she wasn't. I made all the excuses for her. I've listened empathetically as she's told me tales of trauma as a young woman at the hands of guys who were abusive—verbally and emotionally, at least. I've tried to help nurture her and encourage her through body image issues (she's always been beautiful and desirable to me and she has heard this from me for 20 years now), eating disorders, depression, parenting difficulties... you name it.

I've tried desperately to not be selfish. Don't be "that guy." You know—the one that only cares about himself. The one that treats women like shit. The one that doesn't respect the effort and hardships that come with being a woman in today's society, being a Mom, being uniquely female. I respect all of that. I've always treated her right.

Until lately. Oh sure, I still treat her right. But inside I'm dying. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for affection, for attention. I crave basic human contact. Hugs (which I get from her, but not often), kisses, affection, making out. What would it be like to be kissed passionately?

And that's what I wonder when I meet a nice female. Do they know that inside I'm dying? That I want to be with them? Not to use them lustfully or just get off over their physical attributes. But to feel connected. To kiss. To love.

We've got a list of marriage counselors. With no insurance, some of these prices seem staggering. Is it worth it for me to go to sessions with a therapist and pay all the money when I feel like I've lost hope that any of this will ever change?

Should I just accept that we have a business relationship? A domestic arrangement? At least until we're empty nesters and I don't feel the need to keep a stable household like a good father? But by then will I have any desirability left at all for any woman I meet? Old and used up? My best years wasted on someone who just didn't have it in her—not maliciously, but just as a deficiency—to love me, desire me, make me feel loved?

Do the people sitting here in this coffee shop notice me discreetly wiping a tear from my eye? Do I look like I'm dying inside? I hope not. My facade is all I have left.

[mochipon-vt]

okay so i'm more than a little unsettled right now. i haven't been streaming on my twitch channel lately because not only do i not like the name i panickedly changed to in attempt to avoid people i thought had found me again, but i also have been pissed at people taking advantage of me wanting to give free art as thanks for being regular and supportive viewers.

but also. bc there's one person that weirds me the fuck out. they're like. always lurking on my channel. i'm fine with stream/chat lurkers, i have no problem with people who are low energy, shy, not up for talking etc w/e but this person is on my channel TOO much. even when I'M NOT.

they tend to lurk more than chat, which again i have no issues with, but weirdly interact with redeems and alerts which, in most cases, if someone's too shy/low energy to interact with chat, generally they won't like.. interact with anything else either bc they don't want to be called out, they don't want to respond to being addressed etc but like w/e ig that also wasn't that much of an issue i suppose. i'm just thoroughly creeped out by someone basically camping on my page or if they're not there, they suddenly show up in viewer list when i start working on my page, about to set up without announcement that i'm setting up, show up when i'm adding new things via bots and stuff and i'm not about to go live.

it's fucking. weird. it literally feels like being stalked, it's strange. like... there should be no reason for anyone to be camping my page when i'm not there, the only ways someone would be on my page when i'm not there is, if i ended and didn't raid out and someone lurking just forgot to close the tab (which most people would probably close the tab eventually or go elsewhere and certainly wouldn't still have the tab open for days at a time, i would hope..) or i've made an announcement that i'm going live soon and they've showed up early in which i would expect people to show up then. there is no reason.. to stay on anyone's page more than that. there's alerts that will let you know when people go live, most people cross post somewhere and say when they're going live. why is someone basically LIVING on my page.

i do not like it and i hadn't streamed in more than 2 weeks now and i thought i might would tonight despite having hadn't fixed up my channel yet how i want for a min and i was like what if i go ahead and block off the people i don't want there for cheating my giveaway rules or what have u and then stream cos then they would essentially not be following anymore to show up and lo and behold... i cut them off and started setting up my stuff, not quite necessarily on my page even, and they show up in my chat. what the fuck is this. please leave, you make me uncomfortable.

i do NOT want to make another channel. this is my THIRD channel now bc i kept feeling like i had been either ran off or would have been potentially stalked by other people who have done me wrong in life and i was afraid. i don't need some random person running me off my channel i was getting comfy with and actually happy with growing it. and also, i'm tired of giving up affili status or making people's sub dono's be in limbo for people making me uncomfortable with my space. fucking stop it.

[deadbydad]

Taking a break (but not really)

Hi everyone!

I know that I have not been posting/uploading chapters or fanfics lately and I want to but I just can't as much as I want to.

I will be taking a break from writing, but not from posting random stuff on my blog.

My mental health these past three months has not been great and it has gotten worse these past two weeks due to something happening to me.

My depression has gotten so bad to the point where I wake up wishing I didn't, that I didn't matter to this world, and that I am just a waste. School is stressing me out more than it has ever in along time, I don't have any friends at school, and I literally have a hate club there which I think is kind of funny when they aren't harassing me.

There is a guy at school going around school telling everyone that we did the do, we didn't, and the principal is doing nothing about it even though I have shown here proof and even the teachers have told her about the situation. She doesn't do fucking shit and hasn't for the past three years and the teachers and staff are tired of it. Really says something.

My dad, who I haven't seen in person for three years, was supposed to come down here for my brothers graduation, my grandma offered to pay for his ticket, but he decided his fucking kids were less important than his wife who called me a slut when I was fucking fifteen. I would like to see him at some point again in my fucking life but apparently fuck us his wife is more important.

I'm just so fucking tired everyday, I'm in constant pain due to cramps and I'm bleeding for three months straight now, I'm having trouble sleeping but also going to bed at five as soon as I get home from school. I keep having nightmares and waking up screaming. I've had five panic attacks over the last week. I haven't been drinking or eating barely anything and when I do I throw it all up.

When will it fucking end? I just want it to stop, want the pain and emptiness to just leave me alone, want people to notice that I'm not fucking okay but I don't ask for help because I'm scared that I'll just be in their way and I don't like doing or feeling like that. I don't even remember the last time I took care of myself because I feel like I don't deserve that! I don't deserve the care and kindness you all show me, the support you guys give me, and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time.

I want it to stop, I want to be happy again and not be faking it with a smile, I want to be able to wake up with a smile and actual fucking energy, I want to be able to ask for help and to be able to make jokes like I usually would. But I can't and it fucking sucks and it hurts me.

Just stop, please, I want everything to be normal like it was. Want my dad back, my abandonment issues to leave, to find guys that aren't complete assholes. But I can't have anything nice because fuck me!

This sucks....

[skysometric]

Update Time! (Summer 2022)

it's been a while since i've written a proper update post here! let's talk about some stuff i've been up to lately. lots of it is good news ✨

Where I've been

i came out of the gate swinging in 2022, both restarting my antidepressant (more on that later) and streaming twice within two weeks – it's been a long time since i've pulled that off!

unfortunately, in late february, i got hit with some pretty rough stomach problems. doctors and tests have confirmed it's nothing serious, but the worst of the issues lasted about three months. i've spent most of that time resting and recovering – and while i'm happy to say that i seem to be past the worst of it, i'm still sometimes hit with intermittent cramps and constipation that get in the way of both work and play... the big difference is, now they only knock me out for a day instead of a week!

as of now, i only know what it *isn't* – it's not a blockage, bacterial infection, or internal bleeding. but next month i'll be seeing a gastrointestinal specialist, so we can narrow down what it is, and hopefully do something about it.

in the meantime, with symptoms starting to abate, i'm much more active and busy again! speaking of...

New video tomorrow!

today i'm putting the finishing touches on a new video for my main channel: a highlight reel of my monkey ball streams! if you've never made it to my streams, this is a nice bite-sized introduction to my streaming style and sense of humor. i had lots of fun putting it together, and i hope it's just as fun to watch~

it's been nearly five years since my last highlights video – five years since i've had the energy to think about videos, five years since i've streamed anywhere near consistently enough to have highlights, five years of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. so this is a big moment for me!!

the video releases tomorrow at 5pm central time. i would appreciate if you give it a watch 💙

What's next?

in the midst of my stomach problems i was working on something else: my old Mari0 mappack, Retrush! yes, i'm still working on that old thing. in fact, a demo is nearly done – i just have a little bit of polish left to do! ...but i haven't touched it in two or three months. it's so close though! i'm gonna work on knocking that out next.

after that, who knows? i would love to keep up the streaming momentum – i still can't commit to a schedule, but i feel more confident about tackling bigger games now! i've had a lot of stream games pile on to the list over the years... it'll be nice to start clearing through that pile again.

In conclusion

my partner introduced me to the concept of "creative constipation": ideas and dreams that have been stuck in your system for too long and just need to be released already. pretty much everything i'm working on here has been a dream of mine since college! but for so many reasons over the years, i've been struggling to get them out – whether it's homework, actual work, family issues, or mental health issues.

go figure that the latest reason is actual constipation.

but with that subsiding, and some real support in my life, i'm hoping i can finally – finally! – start fulfilling those dreams. the future is looking bright 💖

[coffee-bat]

sure i do! (posting screenshot of ask for easier formatting)

(also, i have a whump headcannons ask that i've been compiling the response to for the past weeks (anon who asked, i'm so sorry it's taking so long, i'm not ignoring your ask), so this one will focus strictly on everything OTHER than whump.)

- he often bites his nails when stressed, or even just bored (or when he has no cigar on hand. he has a thing for chewing/nibbling on things). stopping himself from doing it is one of the reasons he wears gloves (other than for warmth and to shield his hands from damage), as having his nails bit too short is painful and can make his work almost impossible. (saying this as a nail biter. you literally CANNOT use a finger that you bit the nail of too short)

- speaking of stimming, aside from biting things, he uses the compass around his neck as a stim toy. it's useless around him, as his own magnetic field renders it impossible to point north as it should, but he'll often play with it by making it spin through altering his field. it requires both focus and a small bit of physical effort, effectively taking his mind off whatever's stressing him, at least for a short bit until he gets bored.

- he thinks he can cook, but anyone who's ever tried his cooking strongly disagrees. while his techniques are okay, like he doesn't burn or undercook stuff, the things he makes are borderline inedible. (he once made a party cheese salad for a family meeting and lowkey bonded with moreau over him being the only one to like the atrocity)

- he's the youngest of the lords (with the age order being alcina>moreau>donna>karl). donna looks younger than him, however it's mostly because of his healing factor being worse than the others', making him actually age (even if very slow) instead of being stuck in time.

- he DESPISES family meetings, along with the family dinners miranda keeps insisting on (which take place either at the castle or at donna's place, as moreau's reservoir and the factory are unsuited for that to say the least), but the latter's redeeming factor is that, if he's lucky, he gets a unique opportunity to fuck with alcina. which usually means eating her out of house and home (using the fact that she's too proud of her good manners to refuse a guest), getting drunk, wrecking her house (muddy boots who?) and then passing out somewhere. it gives him the opportunity to make himself her problem and he loves that. (i've actually started work on a comic a few weeks ago where alcina kicks karl off a random couch she finds him on (in a food coma), a shitposty thing with a SLIGHTLY wholesome-ish ending (as wholesome as alcina gets), but it was taking so long that i just gave up at some point. though, if any of y'all would like to see it finished, let me know, it'd be easier to motivate myself to do it if i knew anyone actually wanted me to lol)

- he holds animals close to his heart but would hate to admit it, in fear of appearing weak or soft. claims that he lets the one (1) cat stay in his factory ONLY because it helps with rats, totally not for company because he's a sad lonely man, what are you talking about.

-he's neither a cat or dog person, he likes both equally, but it'd be far harder to keep a dog in his quarters, seeing as it would require both more space and regular walks + playtime, while a cat is perfectly happy with just getting to sleep on him at night (in terms of contact/bonding).

- though, while he doesn't have a dog, he lowkey treats the lycans as such. keeps them under his control solely through giving them dog treats he buys from the duke. (took him a long time and lots of claw/teeth injuries to figure that out, but hey, better late than never).

--warning: the next few paragraphs discuss weight insecurity and body dysmorphia. i'll let you know when the segment ends so you can skip it if it's triggering or makes you uncomfortable--

- he's insecure about his body, both the scars littered across it and his weight. the first can't be helped and he's aware of it, however the latter TECHNICALLY CAN be and thus it bothers him far more. he used to be in a better shape, both mentally and physically, before his life was completely consumed by his work and plans of the rebellion, however these days, he just can't afford to focus on keeping himself in shape (he doesn't have the time and energy to exercise outside of the weight lifting he has to do while working, and same goes for taking care of his diet. cooking and eating balanced food takes too much time and energy, making him resort to whatever is the quickest to make and will keep him going through the day). he feels intense discomfort when looking at younger pictures of himself, he can't help but feel that he has "let himself go" in the recent years, however simultanously doesn't have the time and energy to do anything about it. it's frustrating and makes him feel out of control.

- alcina once touched on the topic while arguing with him, and it fucked him up. up until then he clang onto the small bit of hope that maybe noone has noticed the changes in his body, that maybe it was just him that was hypersensitive to it and in reality it wasn't that visible, and alcina's comment instantly shattered it. not only did she notice, but she apparently considered it worthy of using against him. there goes his last bit of confidence.

- it was one of the very few times she has seen him actually cry (before storming off to hide himself in his factory). it was also one of the few times she had apologized to him. she has made comments about his height and general looks before, and it never seemed to bother him, he always retorded back with a snarky remark targeted back at her, so she truly thought he had no insecurity issues- but this time, for the first time, he just looked hurt, almost disbelieving, and ran away without a word. it made her initial anger melt away instantly, realizing what she did. she ran after him a few minutes later, hoping it wasn't too late and she hadn't done unreversable damage. the whole incident was a major blow to her ego, especially as she was forced to beg karl over the intercom to let her in, but she wouldn't have forgiven herself if she didn't tell him that she was sorry and didn't mean it. she had to admit to herself that it truly was a low blow and she couldn't let herself be carried away like this ever again.

- karl's confidence never really healed from the incident, it's not something he can just forget. but he did get a kick out of having alcina beg for forgiveness, so he considers at least that to be an upside of the whole thing.

--weight/body dysmorphia discussion ends here--

- he gets sensory overloads easily, especially from loud noise, making him snappy if there's too many people talking/making noise. he also often has issues with things touching him when he's already stressed - due to this, he keeps a hairband in his pocket at all times (to keep his hair out of his face), and has tied the belt of his trench coat behind his back so it wouldn't touch his arms while moving around (that one is actually part of his character model). having things hanging off him irritates him greatly.

- he has a tendency to cling onto/hug whatever is in his reach while he's asleep. usually it's a pillow or his blanket, but it's also a risk one should be aware of when choosing to sleep in one bed with him. you're gonna wake up in a death grip. and he's a heavy sleeper, so don't even think about going to the bathroom.

- speaking of physical affection, he loves massages, they're one of his favorite types of affection to receive. any kind of them, really. he's sore most of the time, so a bit of relief is always greatly appreciated. back/shoulders after a long day of work, tummy if his cadou is bothering him or his eating habits fucked him over again, maybe even hands if he's worked manually for too long and his palms are starting to cramp. it's all really appreciated. (another factor contributing to why he likes them is that they're completely selfless acts of affection. his partner isn't getting anything out of it (like they would with anything sexual or romantic), its only purpose is to help him feel better. makes him feel loved.)

- speaking of, he literally cried the first time ethan gave him a shoulder rub. feeling the decades worth of pain, tiredness and muscle strain that he didn't realize he felt finally fade, be washed away, made his eyes water, he couldn't help it. it wasn't long after they had moved in together (as roommates, since karl had nowhere to go), and to karl, it felt like an affirmation that it's over, he can relax, he can rest now. no need to keep overworking himself, to keep not letting himself ever catch a break because "he might like it too much and stop chasing his goal", to keep doing anything to keep himself going for years on end despite knowing it's ruining his body. it's done, it's over, he finally deserves a rest. it made ethan deeply confused and concerned before karl sobbed out why he's crying.

these are all for now, i think! at least all that comes to mind at the moment. if you'd like me to talk about headcannons on a specific subject/topic (or expand on any of these ones), let me know! i'm sure to think of something that i haven't already, or forgot to write down. i just love talking about headcannons, man.

[spirit-stitch]

Review: @windvexer's Rainbow Energy Centres reading

i recently received a Rainbow Energy Centres Health Checkup reading by @windvexer and to start with i would like to say a massive thankyou, because it's probably the most useful and accurate reading i've ever received from someone else.

i'm placing the review under the cut, as it's going to be a fairly long post! but, TDLR; this was an amazing reading that wasn't too long or short, and related to every single aspect of my life. i would HIGHLY recommend!

so, to start with, Chicken (windvexer) presented the reading in a really accessible way, and i loved the simplicity of the way the reading was laid out for me.

the first section was an accuracy check. two statements were made and if they rang true, it indicated whether the rest of the reading would be accurate or not. if false, the rest of the reading wouldn't have read true.

the accuracy statements were FAR more accurate than i expected. i was told that i was excited about the future of my spiritual path (i absolutely am), and that i have a quite painful and traumatic past that is a foundation of who i am, but i rarely share this with others. this is completely true - i'm quite open about my trauma and my past but i NEVER share the whole truth of it and how much of it actually affects who i am and my worldview.

getting into the actual rainbow centres now, i really liked how the centres were named and explained so i knew what centre related to what. i was told that my crown centre was bright and clear, with little issues, and i have a good link to the universe. i'm really thankful for this because it reassured me that even though i've taken a hiatus from spirituality lately, i haven't lost the connection to it.

my psychic centre was dark and large, suggesting that i have a good awareness of energies around me but specifics are difficult right now. again, this is accurate. i used to be able to do the specifics but i've spent the past year and a half completely shutting it down due to some traumatic experiences and stresses that i've been through. again, the skill is still there, it just needs rejuvenating, i think. i was also blown away by the description of little arms and hands being seen by Chicken around my psychic centre. i rarely discuss the true way i work with energy but i developed a lot of it myself, and it's always revolved around feeling and reaching out rather than seeing. i've wanted to change this for a while and this is the perfect indicator i need that it's time to perhaps develop that a little more.

a blockage was seen around my throat centre, indicating that i struggle speaking my personal truth, and a 'metaphorical giant' was guarding my inner truth. i've spent a lot of time hiding what i think and shutting that down mainly because when my Dad died in 2021 i had to be there for others and shut down how i actually felt about the situation, because our complex relationship would have been dreadful to say to the rest of the family. i've also learnt to keep my mouth shut when it comes to IRL working, which i also started last year, as it's more of a hindrance than a help. an affirmation was included at the end of this section, which made me tear up a little before i even saw the sentence beneath it which said 'any affirmation which makes you feel like crying works wonders'. i'll be including this affirmation in my morning routine from now on.

fascinatingly (and not embarrassingly, as Chicken admitted) my heart centre was unable to be found - Chicken could see it for a second and then was zoomed away. apparently this indicates that i'm a really private person and i have a deep sense of personal protection. it's true that i hold others at arms length sometimes as (like stated in my throat centre) i have a difficult time opening up about how i truly feel, even if i pretend that what i say is the deepest part of my feelings. it's not, i just lie about it, lol. and, with having Borderline Personality Disorder, relationships are some of the hardest thing for me to keep consistent and strong. this is truly so accurate and it's something that i've been wanting to work on this year, and am starting to do.

my solar plexus centre was describe as lovely (aww, thank you :P ). it was interesting that there wasn't much to say about it except the fact that it's 'like a holodeck', showing that i can be many things in many different situations. i pride myself (perhaps a little too much) on being flexible and able to be whatever someone needs in whatever situation they need me to be that in. i am 'the stage instead of the actor' which is true, and while it's good for other people it's not good for myself. i've been reassured by this as i really want to work on being who i want to be, not who others want me to be.

then we got to the sacral centre, and this part of the reading actually picked up on an ADHD trait i've been experiencing and noticing ever since i began the diagnostic process. i 'enjoy the physical world but on a narrow spectrum' which is absolutely true - i don't find much comfort in many things, but the things i do enjoy i enjoy so hard that sometimes it's detrimental to my wellbeing. i'm not thrilled with my environment and this section is encouraging me to change my environment to something more varied and positive, again something i'm actively working on this year.

finally, my root centre was shown to have a nice deep root, and Chicken was right in saying that i have 'one primary sense of safety and security in the world' that related to my 'foundation of pain and grief' - it's myself, and the knowledge that no matter what i deal with, i can get through it and keep being myself even if everything else around me changes. the smaller roots mentioned have only just begun to develop, i think, now that i'm in a space to begin healing from my trauma, which also shows why they're small because i'm scared to have to go through the healing process to develop them more.

in the summary, Chicken told me that energy work alone won't solve any problems with my energy centres - while they're healthy and seem to work for me, any change needs to mainly come from life changes and that is exactly what i figured out in the past couple of months and exactly what i am attempting this year.

thank you SO MUCH, Chicken, for giving me a strong foundation of knowledge to build off of while i fix my life, and for such a wonderful reading. i cannot thank you enough and i'm genuinely astounded by your clearly natural gifts!!

[therenlover]

Hi Jac! I know we don't talk much at all, but I couldn't help but notice that you haven't posted lately and I just got a lil worried. I hope you're doing well, but if not I want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen to you.

Love ya <3 (feel free to ignore this if you'd like)

Hello all! I've been meaning to post an update here at some point about my life and where I've been, but extenuating circumstances made that difficult for me. I figure this is as good a time as any for me to let you guys know how I'm doing.

Firstly, I am safe, happy, and healthy. I started college in mid August and moved far, far away from home to a place I'd never been before. It was terrifying and new but was also the best decision I've ever made in my life. I thrive here. I have friends, I go out, I get my schoolwork done, and I'm in the process of getting a job for next semester so I can save all my refunded financial aid and start building a repayment plan for my student loans early. Overall, life is better than it's been for me in a long, long time.

That being said, if you've followed this blog at all during periods of activity, you'll know that all is not always well for me. Even now, as I've been doing better than I have in longer than I can remember, that is still the case.

A minor but consistent and significant factor in my disappearance from Tumblr is just a lack of time and energy. Though I only have 5 classes, a normal course load, I spend a lot of time out of my room, either being with friends, working on homework, studying, or just existing on the campus and enjoying what it offers. Soon enough, I'll also be working shifts. Overall that doesn't leave me with very much time to be spent on long-haul, high-effort personal projects like my fics. It isn't that I don't wish I could provide you guys with more of my writing. I just don't even think about it most days, because I'm so distracted by the rest of my life.

The major reason I haven't been active, though, is a past relationship.

As some of you may know, I was in a relationship with another Tumblr user for a period of time. Things did not end well between us, and though the issues within the relationship were not something I would fault either of us for, I fully acknowledge that the messy way the relationship ended was entirely my fault. I was exhausted, unhappy, and did not know how I could possibly navigate my situation. I'm not proud of the choices I made at the end of that relationship, but it was what had to happen. Things would not have gone well if I had stayed.

I worried that, because that tumblr user has a much larger platform within the fandom than I do, I would not be welcomed here anymore. I was willing to not engage with you all to allow them to have space and to avoid creating unnecessary drama if I could help it. Generally, I felt a lot of fear about coming back here. I still do. Overall, though, I understand that my choices were my own, and the consequences of those choices are also only mine to deal with. I also bear no ill will towards my former partner. I hope they're doing well.

Finally, on a much happier note, I'm not producing fanfiction because I'm happy.

Writing has always been a way for me to express emotions in a healthy way while creating these wild, fantastical situations where I, and by proxy, all of my readers, feel loved. When I was alone and afraid and miserable I would supplement my heart by making a world where I had what I needed. I'm in a place now, though, where I don't need that anymore.

Shortly after my last relationship ended, I found my current partner. To keep this brief, they make me insanely happy. I feel emotionally and physically fulfilled, and they constantly help me become a better, healthier person. I've met their parents and will be staying with them over Thanksgiving break. Overall, I feel no inspiration or need to create right now because there are no holes in my heart that need to be filled. We just finished watching Wandavision today and had a great laugh together about the whole "Ralph Bohner" situation, which got me thinking about all of you.

That, my friends, is why I'm here.

I don't know when or if I'll return to tumblr, and on what level that will be. I also don't know what direction I might take my blog next once I do. What I do know, though, is that I'm safe and happy and think of the people I met on this website often.

If you have questions, or just want to say hello, my ask box is open and I'll be on and off the site today as I work on some stuff. I miss you all and hope you're well <3