#ideally they wouldn't both be my own but we don't live in a just universe

[inuyashaluver]

apple cider - alessia russo

alessia russo x reader

description: in which you and alessia don't like each other that much, but you both really do

warnings: this was a looooonnnnnggggggg one! swearing and honestly makes no sense but here we go, toone!reader

a/n: based on a BANGER OF COURSE, please enjoy this omg i love this song i can't, it is mandatory that you listen to it and associate alessia with it forever

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

'we both like apple cider, but your hair be smelling like fruit punch'

it wasn't really ideal to be in love with your older sister’s best friend, but you were, and you have been for the majority of your lifetime.

your sister, ella, has always been extremely close to you, you both had different interests, sure, but she always kept you in the loop of her life as did you.

you were very much the best of friends, the way both of you liked it. and by association of being your sister’s biggest fan, alessia was added into the equation.

you weren't in the football scene, you were more into the academic side of things.

you tried football, liked it for about two minutes and then quickly realised you preferred to watch it, especially when ella and alessia were playing.

you instead went to university and ultimately became an occupational therapist. 

—

'and i don’t even like you that much, wait, i do, fuck'

back when you were 16 and alessia and ella were 17, things began to shift. it was common to see you at a game if ella was playing, she always loved to have you there even if she wouldn't admit it all the time.

“there she is! my darling sister finally took her nose out of the books” ella teases, pinching your cheek as you stood at the fence of the pitch at the england u17 team. you were bundled up in the cold in one of ella’s puffers that you lovingly stole, though thankfully, she didn't notice"

“ella, get off man!” you groan with a laugh, letting ella pull you into a hug in greeting, you look over ella's shoulder and spot alessia chatting with lotte.

alessia smiles at you through the conversation, waving at you shyly, smiling wider when you returned a sly wave.

when ella releases you, alessia runs over with her charming smile and her blonde ponytail swaying behind her. you didn't even realise you were beginning to go red.

“hey, little toone” alessia grins, pulling you into a sweet hug, you began to wonder how she could smell so good after 90 minutes of running around. you couldn't help but feel dizzy.

“i have my own name, you know?” you roll your eyes with a giggle, alessia’s hands run  down your arms as she releases you from the hug, you have to remind yourself that it means nothing. (you’re silly)

“i know you do, (y/n/n), just teasing” she squeezes your forearm with a wink before she lets go of you completely. “oi, we’re good at that” ella laughs, bumping shoulders with alessia, the blonde letting out a chuckle of her own. 

“enjoy the game?” alessia asks, “yeah! great goal, less” you smile, alessia returns it, “you saw? i knew you were coming so i had to impress you” alessia flirts, you clear your throat, letting out a nervous giggle, feeling warm from alessia’s words.

ella laughs, “look at you all red” ella teases, making kissy faces at you, you flip her off and alessia laughs. “don’t tease her, tooney” alessia nudges her again, smiling at you in a way that made your heart flutter. “yeah, tooney, fuck off” you mock, ella slaps the back of your head, scolding you to respect your elders.

and that’s how it always was, you and alessia, mainly alessia flirting yet doing nothing about it. you both had so much in common that everytime she came over to your’s and ella’s house.

it would be like you invited her over, as every conversation was you and alessia getting excited over whatever you were talking about. ella loved that the two of you had a friendship, but it never really came to her that the two of you had a thing for each other.

—

you lived in london while your sister lived in manchester along with alessia when they both played for united. you came back frequently while you were in uni to see your sister. and only your sister (you're a really bad liar).

you sat on the sidelines while the girls warmed up, your eyes were focused on your sister until they drifted to her passing partner. alessia just exuded this aura you couldn't distract yourself from.

she's gorgeous and you thought about her constantly and it didn't help that she flirted with you any chance that she got.

she spots you staring and she can't help but smirk. she looks down for a moment, catching her lip in between her teeth before she looks up again, letting it go with a cheeky smile now replacing her features.

alessia nods her head toward you so ella would turn around. ella brightened up when she saw you, though, looked perplexed for a split second when she saw your flustered expression but quickly shook it off.

she waved exaggeratingly and you both giggled when you returned one with just as much enthusiasm, ella smiled when you turned to show her your ‘toone’ jersey, holding up one finger to indicate she needed to play well.

alessia laughs when you turn back to the front, looking between you and ella with a bright smile. she loved your relationship and reminded you both constantly.

she understood how much ella meant to you and vice versa, much like her relationship with her brothers. that’s why she was a little nervous showing any ounce of attraction towards you.

ella and alessia continue their passing drills, though the blonde of the pair seemed increasingly distracted. each time she passed the ball back to ella, she would glance at you, and she would be pleasantly surprised to see your eyes already trained on her.

it was part of the reason she couldn’t look away, and it was a point in her mind to remember, a moment that you showed some interest back.

after the game, ella came bounding over to you in a bone crushing hug, you haven't seen her for a little over 2 months.

“oh, hello!” you wheeze out, “you need to come over more, it's ridiculous!” ella pulls back from the hug as she scolds you, though pulls you back into the hug after you laughed at her.

“i barely see ya!” she exaggerates, giving your cheek a sloppy kiss that made you both laugh, “el, yes you do!” you defend, though ella wasn’t having any of it.

“very good game, ella” you say as you step apart, “did you just tell me i played well?” her hand clutches her chest, gasping mockingly, you shake your head at her amusingly, flicking her forehead.

“i take it back, you were shit” you joke, wincing when she slapped your arm harshly, and that was when little miss charming alessia came over right on time.

“hey, no hitting” alessia scolds ella, giving her a light shove away from you. “hello, miss london” alessia says cheekily, pulling you into a warm hug that was definitely a second too long.

“you just hit me” ella mutters, you and alessia ignore it. you laugh at the nickname, alessia started calling you that ever since you moved to london for uni. 

“hello, miss manchester” you mock, her hand sits on your hip for a moment when she pulled away, “now, tooney, we don’t hit our sisters, we love our sisters” alessia ridicules, winking at you before turning back to ella, arms crossed over her chest.

“less, you should have heard what she said to me!” ella gawks, “i was joking!” you exclaim, “right, (y/n/n), what did you say?” alessia attempts, hitting ella when she was about to answer for you.

“i made a joke that she was shit” you huff, your own arms crossing over your chest, “tooney, she's not wrong” alessia jokes, though ella does it find it funny.

she gasps at the words before she shoves alessia towards you, you manage to hold her steady before she fell, both of your hands land on her hips as you catch her. alessia’s body slots against your own, her back pressed to your front, feeling oddly familiar.

you can hear alessia’s breath catch in her throat when one of your fingers slightly grazes her skin from where her shirt had ridden up. “my god, you’re both perfect for each other” ella points at both of you huffing in frustration before looking right at you.

“i'm getting changed, we’re going to dinner, and then you're going home” she doesn't even let you respond before she marches off. ella doesn't know how that comment of you being perfect for each other ignited a flame in both of your stomachs.

alessia is still against you, you give her a light squeeze to indicate that she moves, “shit, sorry!” she says, cheeks completely red in embarrassment, she shuffles nervously as you look at her.

“um, really good game” you stutter out, alessia grins, “thank you, i’m happy you came, i haven’t seen you in a while” she's back to normal and you're grateful for it. 

“it has been a while” you trail off, “so, will you be coming to dinner?” you ask her nervously, alessia’s mouth opens slightly in surprise, “oh” she starts, “would you..be okay with that? isn't this your sister time?” alessia mutters quickly, the nerves rolling over both of you in waves.

“i don’t mind at all, like you said, i haven’t seen you in a while” you smile, cocking your head to the side quickly, alessia chuckles, copying your action with a smile.

“i’ll have to check with your sister” something about that last word stinging, suddenly shedding light on the situation. “i’m sure she wouldn’t mind” you shrug, trying to be cool about it.

alessia smiles at you, moving closer to fix your jersey from your shoulders, there was nothing wrong with it and you both knew it.

“okay then, see you later, babe” she winks, letting out a breath before moving away from you, running towards the change rooms. you stood there frozen after the interaction. you were fucked.

—

the dinner was fun, the three of you joking and conversing while updating each other on what was happening in life. alessia sat across from you, your ankles brushing each other occasionally and your breath would hitch each time it happened. 

to say alessia was focused on you wholeheartedly was a complete understatement. this girl was studying your every move with utmost attention, intently listening to your words and making mental notes on what to remember for later.

saying goodbye that night to both girls was bittersweet. separating from your sister was always hard, especially since she wasn't across the hallway anymore. the older girl had to remind you to call her daily for your updates and you agree. 

when they walk you to your car and both give you a warm hug, you grew a little heartbroken, this day was so fun and you didn’t want it to end.

—

'call me at midnight, let’s give this thing a try'

you got home at around 10 and began to get ready for bed, until at midnight,  your phone began to ring. your eyebrows furrow, who could’ve been calling you this late at night? and there it was, ‘alessia’ lighting up the screen with a facetime call.

you scramble to answer, pointing the phone towards the ceiling. “hello?” alessia’s voice calls out, she’s in bed, hoodie clad and looking more cozy than ever.

“hey, lessi” you say in quite confusion, “hey, love, sorry to be calling so late, i um, missed you” alessia says slowly, her eyes flickering in attempts to spot you on the screen.

you smile shyly, trying not to let out a squeal, “i..missed you too” you breathe out, the smile on alessia’s face was so bright, it took everything in you to stop yourself from screenshotting.

“you missed me, huh? i also missed your face if that’s anything to you?” she says cheekily, you laugh, propping up the phone in your bathroom, clearly about to do skincare of somesort.

“oh my god, you’re so cute” alessia coos, pulling the screen closer to her to get a better look at you. “stop it” you groan, covering your face up in embarrassment.

“for now” she winks, propping herself up on her hand, watching you with blown out pupils as you move around the bathroom getting unready. the call was so natural and weirdly felt so comfortable. you’ve never called like this before but you both internally agreed it was fun.

“so, tell me why you’ve called me, star girl” you chuckle, she groans at the name but her pink cheeks said otherwise. “i um, i don't know if i’ve been reading into this, but i think you also notice the connection between us” she says nervously. 

you could tell she was anxious, you were too because you never thought this would happen, especially after years of pining.

“we have a connection” you gasp, she rolls her eyes at you, both of you now in bed on respective sides of the phone.

“okay, im hanging up now” she jokes, “no” you pout exaggeratingly, she can’t help but screenshot and laughs at you reaction of you cursing her out, halfheartedly of course.

“yes, our connection” you wink, alessia nods determinedly, “mhm, and i know this is going to be hard for us so i wanted to know what you thought about it” you both stare at each other for a second before breaking out into little giggles between you two.

“well, i'm not opposed, russo” you flirt, she grins at you, chuckling breathily, “well, neither am i” she flirts back, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

“what about ella?” you point out the obvious, regretting it seeing the slight wince on alessia’s face. “we..can tell her when we’re ready” she suggests, you think about it for a moment, ultimately nodding, “let’s try this, slowly” you tease, alessia smiles, “slowly” she mocks.

you both stayed on the phone for over 3 hours, no regrets between the both of you, and that’s when the sneaking around started.

—

'you said you liked my hair, so go ahead and touch it'

you and alessia called every night and somehow managed to keep ella out of it. you were surprisingly hiding it really well, even when you and alessia were completely loved up, it was honestly ridiculous how she didn't catch on.

you would come down every other weekend to stay at ella’s, ‘staying on the couch’. the moment ella would go to bed, alessia would drag you to her room, you were her girlfriend after all.

her lips moved languidly with yours, gently squeezing your hips as she pressed you against her bedroom wall, directly next to ella’s.

“i missed you, baby” she hums against your lips, rushing to press them onto yours again. you break away for a moment, “i missed you too, my love” you breathe out, she smiles against you, whining against your lips to pull you closer.

she drags you over to the bed, flopping down on top of you as she gives you a tight squeeze. she hovers, looking at you affectionately, “so beautiful” she whispers, dipping to press kisses along your jaw. 

she rests her chin on top of your chest, brushing off a stray hair from your forehead, “i think i’m ready to tell her” you whisper to alessia, she smiles at you in surprise, two months of sneaking around potentially coming to a close.

“whenever you’re ready, baby” she says sweetly, leaning up to pull you into another kiss.

—

'you said you liked the jumper i wore, so i always wore it'

you got up earlier to make the two girls breakfast much to the disapproval of alessia. you wear one of her jumpers as you stand at the burner making food, alessia following you shortly after you left her in the bed. 

alessia rests her chin on your shoulder with her arms wrapped around your middle tightly, she hums quietly as she swayed you slightly. what you didn’t hear was ella coming into the room, and that’s when alessia gave you a quick kiss on your lips.

“what the fuck was that?” ella screeched, her hand covering her mouth in shock. alessia pulls away from you in shock, a safe distance between the two of you.

“ella” you try though ella shook her head, “you’re fucking my baby sister” ella points at alessia, “ella, please listen to her” alessia pleads.

“no, what the fuck, how long has this been going on for?” ella says sternly, “2 months” you said softly, unable to even look at your sister in the eye. “2 months” she repeats in shock, running her hands over her face in frustration.

alessia looks at you, you look shattered, this was not the way you wanted this to go.

“i’m going for a walk, a 15 minute walk and you two are talking, and we will talk later” alessia pronounces. you nod, nervously glancing at ella, she nods as well, alessia gives you an encouraging smile, closing the door behind her.

you and ella both sit on the couch, “go on then” ella says, clearly agitated. “ella, i was going to tell you, i was literally going to tell you today” you admit, looking at her pleadingly but she just stared at the wall.

“my baby sister is dating my best friend” she breathes out, nodding in acknowledgement.

“ella, i love her, she treats me better than anyone, she’s respectful, she kind, she’s loving and shes so understanding of me, of us, i really do love her” you cry, not even realising you were tearing up, ella looks at you, just staring for a moment.

“you love her?” she says, her eyes softening at your tears, “a lot” you sniff, ella nods, “well don’t let her see you cry, you look ridiculous” she jokes, you let out a wet laugh, holding your arms out for a hug that she was happy to return.

“just think about your best friend being your sister in law” you joke, ella pulls back from the hug, “oh my god, you are so right!” ella laughs, telling you all the ways her and alessia would give you hell but you didn’t care, your sister accepted you.

alessia comes back and you dish up breakfast for everyone, you can't help but give her a tight hug and she knew everything was okay. until the middle of breakfast when ella pronounced, “this doesn’t mean she’ll be wearing your jersey, russo”

—

'it’s really nice to talk to you, it’s really nice to hold your hand'

“hi, baby” alessia smiles breathlessly, pulling you into a tight hug after an england game, she’d just transferred to arsenal. “hi, star girl” you grin, giving her a loving kiss on the other side of the barrier.

“two goals for me, i’m so spoiled” you say cheekily, giggling against alessia’s lips when she pecked them repeatedly, “mhm, just for you, babe” she grins, nuzzling her nose against yours for a moment.

“yuck, move, less or i’ll throw up on ya” ella gags, grinning at you and pulling you into a hug, “don’t defile my sister” ella warns, checking all over your face for ‘injuries’, “you two are definitely sisters” alessia smiles, letting ella tease her.

ella catches sight of something, “what did i say about the russo jersey?” she exclaims, you and alessia freeze, alessia pulls you over the barrier, holding your hand and you both make a run for it while ella chased you. 

—

alessia and you now lived in a cozy apartment in london, you had graduated from university and lived a happy life with alessia. ella came over all the time and even though she wouldn’t admit it, she loved your relationship.

she loved how perfect you were for each other, the pure love you had made her so incredibly happy. she’s never seen you so happy and loved up, the same with alessia.

ella trusted alessia wholeheartedly after seeing how much she took care of you. she was so happy to see you two the way you were. though, the teasing would never relent, you and alessia didn’t mind, you were both elated.

'we can talk about how we don't like each other that much'

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

you know the drill, pretend its you! ily lotteeee xx

liked by ellatoone and 44,232 other

alessia: my preferred toone

view all comments

yourname: oh you are so cute, lessi bear!

↳ alessia: no, YOU'RE so cute baby girl!

↳ yourname: no, YOU'RE so cute baby cakes!

↳ ellatoone: ENOUGH I'M BEGGING, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

ellatoone: less, you are so funny because this is not true

↳ alessia: i'm not a liar tooney wooney

↳ ellatoone: all right then, you are never invited over again

[idyllanth]

Proviso, the MVP of every Trading Post around, actually fills an interesting niche in Arknights worldbuilding.

She has a unique position in the context of the overall Kazimierz narrative, a playable character that's neither a knight nor knight-adjacent but rather purely in the business side of things as a lawyer. Her introduction to the story gives another perspective to life in capitalist Kazimierz, particularly the dynamics of its industries.

In my reading, Proviso has always been an idealistic sort of person, but the capitalist ethos of Kazimierz and the way it treats justice had effectively shackled her from acting on her ideals. She's not really a "bad guy" if only rendered morally gray, because the system of justice and capitalism in Kazimierz puts much value to winning regardless of ethical cost. Her character struggle has been her being complicit to this system while trying to do right for the wrongs that she enables, ultimately being someone who works as a lawyer to make a living and, after which, to make amends.

This idealism is particularly represented in her OpRec, in the parts of the narrative regarding her thesis, which was recommended revisions in-universe:

But when the topic of "justice" is brought up, as well as when seeking any kind of deontological ethical foothold in Kazimierz's current legal system, we must consider the ever-encroaching, foundational influence that capitalism has on the values of the general public... —Excerpts from Deszcz's graduation thesis, "The Conflict, Reconciliation, and Imagined Future of Kazimierz's Present Legislature with Regards to Trade Capital"

Throughout her OpRec, her Vignette story, and character files, Proviso is frequently shown trying to do right for the people(s) that she essentially wrongs as the opposing counsel. Regardless, she willingly participates in the charade of due process because, of course, it's her job. Perhaps one can say that a particular effect of the Kazamierzan capitalist ethos is an emphasis on the value of winning and profit; and to make a living, Proviso is forced to comply to this system. This, of course, leaves her ultimately jaded in her life and in her beliefs.

The courtroom is a place of victory and defeat. Both sides submit their evidence, and their disputes are arbitrated within the confines of the law. I never expected to find any justice in that process, but when the law can be freely trampled on by capitalism, being a lawyer gets real boring, don't you think? —Proviso, Talk after Promotion 2

It can be said the Proviso herself is a victim of the capitalist structure of Kazimierz, as she effectively feels forced to compromise on her ideals. As she represents and pursues victory for perhaps less-than-noble entities, what she can only do is find her own ways to make up for it after the fact as seen in her files and stories, where she donates her earnings (Archive File 2) and she gives a tip to the opposition through means that could get her disbarred (Vignette). Nevertheless, she is not blind to her own nature and how what she enables is ultimately not a noble, "proper" justice. Here are two separate conversations in her vignette that show this self-awareness:

Młynar: I don't need to hear yet another story of a lawyer seeking to right the world's wrongs. Deszcz: Righting the world's wrongs? I certainly wouldn't say that... This is just my job.

and

Deszcz: And here I was thinking a well-intentioned lawyer representing these poor villagers would look down on a firm that specializes in corporate clients. Hamm: No, I've never thought like that... A lawyer's job is to fight for their clients, no matter who they are. There's nothing I can say to that. Deszcz: Even if it's to help large corporations squeeze out innocent and helpless civilians? There's no justice in that, is there?

Her joining Rhodes Island was a significant development to her character—it reflects a change within her from being resigned and complicit to the status quo, to instead desiring to be part of something bigger that has more tangible power to affect systemic change, being in a better position to act on the justice she holds. Her character doesn't actually develop much beyond this due to her latest appearance in the chronology being her vignette, which should be prior to her joining RI, and that's fine. Her still being a meticulous, rules-lawyering victory-at-all-costs woman stays true to her character within the context of the narrative—she was a lawyer within the ruthless, capitalist Kazimierzian justice system, and her position as a lawyer within the concept of due process meant her duty was to represent the legal rights of a person or entity, regardless guilt and morality. This time, though, she is working for a company that, in her eyes, is trying to do good and would be a better platform for her to act on her ideals.

Another interesting tidbit: stars were a particularly consistent symbol used in stories and writeups related to Proviso's character. To enumerate:

In her character files, she mentions giving up her old job in Longrein because "she saw the stars"

In her Vignette story (which is literally named Only the Stars), she wonders where the stars of Libra are. This is likely the actual point in time for the previous bullet.

In her OpRec, she says, "No one can see the stars above until all the neon lights are turned off."

There's a strong argument to say that the stars are representative to the sense of justice and ideals that she had lost. This symbolism also works with her line in her OpRec, as the very neon lights of the Kazimierz skyline had polluted the skies and leave no stars to be seen, which is a clear metaphor for how the capitalist nature of Kazimierz had devoured the justice she had once stood for. It is only after the events of the Kazmierz Major (throughout Maria Nearl and Near Light) that she finally saw the stars again, gaining an interest in RI and inspired to live her life anew.

[yurisorcerer]

Holy shit that was fucking incredible.

Warning: major hyped-up ramble session below.

The scheduling of the concert being switched around gives TogeToge a leg up to hopefully make an even bigger first impression at their first festival. Things seem to be going well for them, for once! Let's see if that lasts.

In the leadup to the festival, with Nina and Momoka actually doing pretty much fine for once, the show refocuses on its other three characters for a little while, spotlighting Subaru and how she's still hiding her involvement with the band from her overbearing grandmother, and then moving over to Tomo and Rupa, whose relationship---played to a tasteful tee, neither over- or under-explained---provides a source of strength for the both of them in the face of the loss of their respective families. Physically in Rupa's case, emotionally in Tomo's. Subaru seemingly resolves things with her grandma later in the episode, but Tomo and Rupa's issues aren't so easily packed away. I wouldn't be surprised if the show touches on them one more time before it ends.

Oh hey, Mine's back!

In general the atmosphere of the pre-show buildup reminds me a bit of the pre-concert scenes from Oshi no Ko, although in that show there's a different and more cynical context at play to the upbeat, nervy anticipation on display here.

Oh my god, it's the punk girl from episode one. (Kyouko, apparently.) There feels like a bit of symbolism in how even she's a fan of TogeToge now.

Momoka taking them all to the big main stage to see Diamond Dust play before their own show is gutsy. And at that, we get our rewind all the way back to Nina's confrontation with DD's current lead singer when they were both students. And, as has been previously implied a few times, friends! We still don't precisely know what their falling out was about, as Pink's remark to Nina where she tells her to stop "playing the tragic heroine" are awfully vague. Regardless, DD's performance itself is pretty good, although one gets the sense they're sort of being set up to fail here from a meta perspective. Their little show of rivalry here is admirable, but they aren't the band we've been following this entire time. (And while they sound fine, if we're being honest, they'd be rinsed not just by TogeToge but by most protagonist girl bands from these sorts of anime. Then again, maybe this is the intended reaction, and we're supposed to be feeling some amount of fannish partisanship.)

Rupa's just here for the drama as usual, what a queen.

During the sound check Subaru plays a pretty nice little break beat, and Rupa gets to show off her bass licks.

TogeToge also unveil their new looks here and all of them look genuinely fucking fantastic. Rupa's weird military uniform thing with the goggles, Subaru's pinstriped suit(?!), Nina's underdye and badass long shirt, Tomo's almost pixellated-looking hair bow accessory, Momoka's arm bands. Honestly just a killer visual presentation both in- and out-of-universe.

When the time comes to take the stage, they absolutely kill it. At the end of the day, this is an anime, so of course, Girls Band Cry deploys absolutely every single visual trick it can think of to really sell the performance that serves as the climax of this episode. "Void & Catharsis", the song they play, is a, if you'll pardon the pun, rock solid alternative number with a surprisingly heavy low-end that serves as a bed for Nina's incisive, comet-like vocals. (Also it has what I'm pretty sure is a breakdown??? I'm not a heavy metal expert, but what the fuck.) The show spins out into full music video mode here, taking a page from the otherwise very different Love Live series, as the stage blends into a blurry stitching-together of idealized, crystalized memories; defiance, lies, love, loss. It is perhaps the single most arresting moment in a music anime to air this year. I ended up replaying the entire thing from the start of the song onward, twice. I can't help myself; TogeToge have charisma. Every single one of them sheds tears during their part of the music video, making this episode something of a sideways title-drop.

The single most compelling visual element though has nothing to do with all the crazy camera tricks, overlays, flashbacks, anything like that, though. It's Nina herself. In what I can only describe as an absolute triumph of CGI in anime as a form, this little sixteen year old pipsqueak comes off as a complete and total superstar. She stomps angrily from one end of the stage to the other with her long shirt drooping and billowing dramatically, she grips her head in anger as she sings like the words are being physically ripped out of her throat, she headbangs, she pumps her fist and spins around to egg her own band on, she glares at the audience like she's trying to kill them---maybe Diamond Dust specifically, who are also watching---with her mind, she does weird shit with her hands and gestures around like a rapper. It's mesmerizing. Clearly the result of a ton of love not just for animation as an art form but for concerts as a form of performance. The entire thing is just end to end nuts, and this moment, regardless of what came before it or comes after it, completely validates Girls Band Cry as an artistic endeavor. If the entire rest of the show were to somehow go missing, removed from reality with a surgeon's knife, this performance alone would make the undeniable case that it deserved to exist.

Nina isn't even my favorite *character* in this show. But good god she's great here. I'm just honestly stunned.

As for GBC itself, there is only one real problem. There are still two episodes of this anime left. It's possible I'm just sitting in a sort of concertgoers' afterglow at the moment, but I kind of can't imagine what else the show could really do from here. How do you top that?

Nonetheless, Girls Band Cry wants to try, and that ambition is admirable.

[stuckytoyoulikeglue]

I've been wanting to get my thoughts on Steve's ending off my chest for literal years and I read something earlier that finally prompted me to write it all down.

This is entirely my own, personal, biassed opinion.

I do not want a fight. Or even a 'healthy debate', if I'm being honest.

If you don't agree, that's cool, just move along, nothing to see here.

Please don't be mean, I'm a delicate flower and I can't take it.

So... Like most of the people I've come across in my preferred branch of the fandom, I didn't love Steve's ending.

Unlike a lot of people, I didn't actually have a problem with the end result, just the motivation behind it.

Chris was done, Steve needed to be written out, Tony founded the universe and deserved to be its ultimate saviour, so the best case scenario was to give Steve a happy ending. I'm glad he got a happy ending. I love him, I wanted him to be happy.

But...

The exact same story arc, only without it being his choice, would still have given him the happy ending that Marvel presumably wanted for him. It would have given him the girl that got away, and the chance to finally live the life that he thought he'd lost, and all without betraying his character.

I still think it was incredibly dumb not to leave him trapped in the past (and making the most of it) after returning the stones, rather than having him choose to walk away (from everything, but especially Bucky, no matter how you see their relationship), but one thing that I keep seeing posts about (some joking, but most not), that I do not get at all, is why so many people seem to think that everything else would have played out exactly the same, just with him as Peggy's hubby instead of the man she married in the MCU timeline (I'm not debating here whether that was Daniel or not).

Yes, Steve's character was damaged by his choice to walk away, but he's still Steve. He wouldn't have sat idly by and watched Hydra sink its claws into the SHIELD Peggy was building in front of him. He wouldn't have just left Bucky to stew in Siberia. We don't even know if he actually put down the shield for any real length of time.

After all, he didn't return to pass it on to Sam until he was an old man, and the shield he passed along was a different shield. Maybe it was a new one that was made for him after his old one was lost to the ice, maybe he had it made specially to give to Sam, who knows? But what we do know as a result, is that whatever happened in his new timeline, it was not the same as what happened in ours.

Personally I choose to believe that Bucky lives next door, the Starks come round for tea most weeks, and everyone just dotes on ickle baby Tony, not least his dad. They're still in touch with the rest of the Howlies, though they don't get to see them as often as they'd like, and ideally Zola is rotting in a cell somewhere.

Admittedly, I'm not sure what I reckon happened to the original Steve from that timeline. Maybe he didn't survive the ice, maybe they defrosted him early and the two Steves started a rota for playing Cap so they both get a chance to actually have a life in between punching bad guys. Maybe he's living in sin with Bucky, pretending he's our Steve's identical twin brother if anyone ever sees them both at the same time. It doesn't really matter.

My point is that damn near anything could have happened in that new, mysterious universe, because the only certainty we have is that it was exactly like ours until Steve went 'back' to it, and it was definitely not the same as ours from that point on.

Butterfly effect and all, Steve's mere existence guarantees that it's different and, as I already mentioned, the shield that he gives Sam provides concrete proof of it.

Of course, I'm not saying things necessary played out any better. Maybe SHIELD didn't fall, but the governments of the world did. Maybe Steve saved Bucky only for him to be hit by a bus mere weeks after he brought him home to Brooklyn. But in no world did Steve sit there casually tossing a salad while fully aware that his brainwashed best friend was off to murder the president.

That is all (for now).

PS. I love Peggy. I'm still miffed they cancelled Agent Carter. I don't think having her marry Steve in an alternate timeline takes anything away from who she was or what she built in ours. Her legacy is entirely intact in our world, and in another world she was doubtlessly equally kickass, she just got to have Steve too.

[skarletterambles]

On today's episode of "I could reblog that and add my thoughts, but that might invite drama nobody (including me) asked for, so I'll just make a new post over here"...

The OP I decided not to bother said this:

(It has the same energy as "I'm not prejudiced, but...")

"Undeniable," huh? Hold my beer.

If your parents are abusive or toxic, I'm sure that statement is true. You can't heal from trauma that's ongoing any more than you can heal a scubbed knee if you keep dragging it across the sidewalk.

It sucks that anyone has to deal with living in a toxic environment, crappy parents, etc. I sincerely hope things get better soon for everyone in that situation.

But not everyone is in that situation.

I admit my kneejerk reaction was something along the lines of, "You don't know me and my situation so how dare you make assumptions and then judge me based on them." But of course I don't know OP or the commenters, either. I imagine the original was a quick vent post that wasn't meant to be a blanket statement, nor to spread and attract drama. The comments still turned into a shitshow that I didn't want to stir in; thus my own post.

In what shouldn't be news to anyone, everyone is a different person, living in a different situation with different family, with different history and culture, in a different socioeconomic stratum, and with different physical and mental health conditions, and therefore what is wonderful for one person is hell for another and vice versa. Or to shorten it to a meme: your experience is not universal.

Personally, I live with my parents because the choice is literally that or homelessness. Period. I'm fine with it, honestly, and consider myself lucky to have this option.

When I'm not at work or occasionally out with a friend, I want to just be quiet at home, which jives well with two 70-something retirees. I'm aro/ace so there's no awkward romance to work around. I'm an only child so there are no siblings to complicate the situation.

I have a great relationship with my mom. I used to with my dad, as well, but personality changes after his stroke have made it harder. I still love him, though. As they both age and deal with chronic health issues, I'm glad I'm here and able to help. It was the same when my grandmother lived the last twenty-odd years of her life with us, too.

I can only work part-time due to a medically documented disability, so I cannot afford to live on my own. (Hell, a lot of people with multiple jobs or full-time jobs can't afford that these days, either.) No one in my extended family is well off, and we try to help each other whenever possible. Any extra support my parents could give is already tied up keeping another family member from ending up on the street--which I'm glad they can do! We're all in this together. (For the record, I buy all my own stuff plus contribute to the grocery budget for the household, and I pay some of the household bills as well as my personal ones.)

I would absolutely love more alone time, but I wouldn't want to go days at the time without seeing family, either. Ideally I'd like to live next door, or in a detached guest house, so I could choose how much time I spend with my parents and still have a place that was all mine. I'd love to pick how to organize cupboards, how to decorate, etc. I get to do some of that already, but having a place be truly mine would be great. These are not huge issues that keep me awake at night, though.

I interact with a lot of unhoused persons at my job in a public library, and I'm frequently reminded of how much privilege I have. I have a reliable roof over my head with heating/air-conditioning, laundry, a kitchen, hot and cold running water that is safe to drink, a good winter coat, food to eat, etc. I live in an area that has a relatively low crime rate, and is nowhere near a war zone. I do not experience racism, transphobia, or homophobia. I have not been touched by a natural disaster.

Nobody's life is perfect. Some are better than mine. Lots are worse.

What is true for OP isn't true for me. What is true for me isn't true for OP. What is true for either of us isn't true for a hypothetical third person. I'm not trying to slam a gavel down and scream "YOU'RE WRONG!" at OP or those who agree with them. I just had thoughts to unload about the nuances. Which I did.

So now I'll shut up. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[indirecticn]

i watched thor again... bro so many thoughts???

firstly, my GOD they were young.

secondly... ok just a recap on observations about loki.

lets assume thor was never banished. i truly don't think he believed odin would do that. i think this wasn't just a prank either, obviously. it was a real attempt to be like, "SEE??? SEE???!!?" and it feels VERY hormonal teenage angst.

ok so then how old is loki in mortal years? i know people did the math and said 16, some said 21. i guess assume 5k is the length of their lifespan, that is a third of his life. but is their maturity biologically speaking easily sliced into equal parts? i don't think so.

i think their physiology has them physically maturing quickly, the physiology it's self a result of celestial genes??? where beings of that sort of energy and existence are meant to mature quickly but then these beings replicate or take on a more base lifeform to interact with other similar base lifeforms and so you have like the blood of celestials now slightly diluted among various alien species?

ok so assuming that then now we have the children of the children of the children of the children and what have you so various species across the universe can probably atest some of their own powers and shit to the same thing.

ANYWAY MY POINT IS now they still mature physically but mentally they aren't this omnipresence but they still call themselves as much when realizing other creatures of the universe don't have the same power.

so loki looks like he's early twenties at this point but is technically much older and with a perception of time so different when you know you live 5k your years as a youth are extended compared to that of beings. especially when you consider the fact that some animals do have varying lengths to the stages of their life. some stay in the juvenile stage for hundreds of years (ex: greenland shark), but then it also depends on how you want to define what makes a being move on to the next life stage.

SO THAT is a good question but anyway.....

say thor is not banished, loki gets what he wants: a brief stay to the coronation. i 1000 percent believe his wanting to sabotage isn't just to be a jerk ass, but a true concern for what thor's actual ruling style would be. i think he just sees thor as also too immature and lacking in true political prowess.

but under that is a true issue he hasn't yet fully faced which is how much he wishes to be taken more serious. it's like... you are the little brother of a kid who does everything right, even when it's wrong. first you like to imitate but you keep getting caught and your brother is never held to the same standard for some reason. you don't get it so you just think well fine ill do the one thing better than him: not get caught.

and so you develop your gift and you find really the deeper issue is your father seems more and more distant to you as you grow up, and you can't figure it out. it's not like he completely dismisses you but he definitely spends more energy on thor, right? so you spend your time with your mom and learn even more things, maybe stuff considered by the wider culture to be sneaky and shit, so also conflated with being a woman's thing (very outdated, you know, but people on asgard are surprisingly behind with the times cosmically in certain social ideals...) and this is how things go for a thousand years.

until you really cant take it and while... if this had been just another simple feast, or something like that, thor would have been pissed and you wouldn't have gone to the extreme just to get his goat, so to speak. he'd be mad and you would fight but like you always do.

buuuut yeah, its more serious, so you choose to do a more serious thing and the result is you know why your father has been distant, what thing he was thinking about when choosing to spend time and energy on thor instead of you, and you also get why both parents seemed more harsh on you, or at least you think you do. you assume its because they were worried your monster would show, would grow.

but you think that because you're still relatively young and you are hurt as fuck by all this shit, even if the revelation came about because you fucked up and took something to an extreme it shouldn't have been taken to.

anyway so now im watching avengers and i 1000000 percent am on board with the idea that loki was tortured into submission to thanos. by the time we see him there he is literally looking like absolute shit and we know that isn't because of the portal travel through the tesseract. that thing allowed plenty of people to safely travel in the what if series.

its because he has been freshly let go and given a chance to fuck shit up. and his hatred and pain has been nourished and you are under the minor influence of the mind stone that is just an echo chamber for your pain, a feedback loop that keeps you unhinged far longer than you would have been without it.

so yeah come dark world.. you are scarred from that torture, you are angry at yourself as much as everyone else and you haven't worked through your issues at all. going to a dungeon cell for over a year just makes you sit and stew. maybe if it were five years later he would have come to better terms, allowed his mother to finally talk to him, but that doesn't happen.

and instead what does happen is dark world shit, and he realizes he can get what he wants, odin is tired and thor clearly doesnt want the throne right now so why not do everyone a fucking favor?

and then it's four years later... five since you were put in the dungeon, six since you fell from the bifrost, and maybe... just maybe... its easy to mask your pain literally, by being someone else in front of everyone else and you think haha im proving to everyone that i am capable and a better ruler, but deep down:

bitch, no, you are just fooling yourself.

so this is where MY loki comes into play, ragnarok happens and he sticks with thor because both men seem to have hit a new stage in their life cycles, and loki is still coming to terms with his entire youth and beginnings when he helps the avengers save the world (after being blipped ofc). new asgard is a new beginning, and king val is also a huge step up from odin and thor, honestly. he can support her and feel GOOD about it.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[radiantlyrey]

I never do stuff like this, but @bowiesinspace did this neat little questionnaire, so I thought I'd give it a shot, too.

Are you named after anyone? Yes! I was named after a beloved great-aunt of my mother's. It is a unique spelling of a semi-common name, so I'm not tellin' it here. As for my internet name (Skye, short for Skye_Writer or SkyeWriter30 or whatever), I chose that myself because I like puns.

When was the last time you cried? I almost cried yesterday thinking about something that I can't remember now. It was either a movie or tv episode, or maybe a book? Maybe? I cry at the slightest provocation, at least when it comes to media, so yeah.

Do you have any kids? Nope! And very happy that way. My siblings both have kids, though, and I very much love those kiddos, but I do not ever want any of my own.

What sports do you play/have you played? I played girls' softball when I was ten or eleven and it was against my will.

Do you use sarcasm? Yes. Constantly. It is my conversational bread and butter.

What's the first thing you notice about people? Usually? Their hair or clothes. Things that make them identifiable, stuff like that.

What's your eye color? Dark brown. (Though in more direct light they look kind of amber-golden, which I love.)

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings all the way! I am not a huge fan of downer endings, or endings that are bleak for bleakness' sake. I don't mind an ambiguous ending (like say, Inception), but I much prefer happy endings, or at least happy-for-now endings.

Any talents? Not really? I guess? I don't know. I'm good at picking up new crafts and such, I guess. I don't know. I'm so bad at actually looking at myself objectively. Sigh.

Where were you born? Long Beach, California. I'm only telling you this because I live nowhere near Long Beach, California anymore.

What are your hobbies? Writing and reading, mostly. I also enjoy cozy-type video games (also Pokemon) (basically just any kind of game where you don't have to fight things, or if you do, the fights don't require good reflexes). I crochet a lot, too; I'm currently making an amigurumi dragon and having fun with it. I also enjoy doing puzzles, and I keep meaning to pick up my ukulele or ocarina and get better with those.

Do you have any pets? Yes! We have a 2-year-old dog who's extremely rambunctious, and then four cats. I love them all, tho one of the cats is sometimes a jerk.

How tall are you? About 5'7" or 5'8" (so around 1m70cm or so??). Middling tall is I guess how you'd describe it.

Favorite subject in school? English, a thousand times over. Runners-up include Chemistry (which I took two courses on in uni), and Math (I took Calculus for fun in uni). Also I really enjoyed the Film classes I took for my Film Studies minor in university.

Dream job? In an ideal world where I was not actively hindered by my own brain, I would be a published author or something. But honestly, I'd settle for something simple enough that I wouldn't stress about it (anxiety is a lame-ass BITCH), that I could also sit down while doing (back pain? ALSO a lame-ass bitch).

Not tagging anybody bc that ain't my style. Enjoy this unprecedented look behind the curtain!! *swishes cape and dives offstage*

[nostalgia-tblr]

internal thoughts: julian/lauren is a great and undeservedly neglected pairing because they both suffered so differently for the same original parental sin, and she's in Literal Horny-Jail when she's not the one we repeatedly saw acting like a bunch of red flags wrapped in skin, and she's sassy enough that she might actually say that and so the potential for perspective is delicious, and also they're both pretty but obviously that's just a minor aspect of the appeal, and they can like sit with their faces pressed together communicating scarily clever thoughts at not-quite-human speeds, and look someone needs to bust her out of horny-jail and go on a road-trip with her across at least one continent and they lose the map on the first day but it's okay because brain-twins and they don't need no map when they have each other <3

external expression of these thoughts: MY PRECIOUS SPACE-WHORES 😭

[moominnyu]

oblivious [kevin moon]

🧸🎀 — pairings: kevin moon (the boyz) x gender neutral reader

🧸🎀 — tw: none.

🧸🎀 — wc: 3751

anyone who knows kevin to a personal level would be sorry for the guy, frustrated in his behalf even.

now, don't get me wrong, he's a handsome young man with a sweet personality, a nice car and good friends. he's a member of one of the hottest, on the rise k-pop boy groups, with a honeyed voice and great dance skills. he could probably bag anyone he wanted with minimal effort on his part, whether they work or not for the same industry as him. but the problem for kevin moon starts around someone who has little to nothing to do with the idol world.

you're kevin's friend, his little childhood friend from back when he was in america, and current best friend even here in korea. kevin's childhood friend who's only an university student, and knows as much about idols as you know about calculus— that is, nothing—, kevin's childhood friend who works part time in café, and still gets allowance from your parents, kevin's childhood friend who lives just three blocks from his dorm, who is so used to be by his side that you practically live at his dorm alongside his members. kevin's childhood friend who is... just his childhood friend and nothing more.

he's been on the unrequited love side of the spectrum for too long that his problem no longer relies on the fact that you guys are friends probably since you were both fetuses inside your mothers' wombs. he already felt this way about you when you lost your first tooth when you were six, even when you smiled at him with an incisor missing. he already felt this way about you when he taught you how to ride a bike at the park when you both were nine, even when you fell on your face and had a big bruise on your left cheek that remained on your skin for two weeks after that. he already felt this way about you when you turned fourteen and you stopped being a tiny shrimp and started looking more like what would later become his ideal type. he already felt this way about you when you guys were seventeen and he was starting his little youtube channel with one of his friends, and you would watch his videos with a genuine excitement that matched his. he already felt this way about you when you moved to korea together, not even knowing what was ahead of you but knowing that you had each other whatever happened.

he's been in love with you for way too long, so long that he already had every single inner monologue, argument, discussion and debate he could possibly have with himself about how absolutely wrong and criminal it is to have a crush, or rather, be in love with your best friend.  

he won in absolutely zero of these arguments against himself, as he always came to the conclusion that it was wrong, you two were friends and that's it, that you probably saw him only as a brother, if anything. but he had received his very needed push in the back by his members, now close friends of both of you, that insisted that it was normal: you were attractive, funny, sweet and a perfectly viable choice for him due to your closeness, anyone in his situation would probably be the same, and he would be a fool if he let go of the opportunity. with your looks and personality, you could get a partner anytime you wanted, and time was ticking for kevin, which, in turn, prompted him to act with you in mind, courtesy of sunwoo who mentioned he'd be the one making the moves if kevin didn't do it first.

and, so, it started, the tortuous process of courting.  

he didn't outright tell you he liked you, as he wanted to test the waters first, so he started with simple and minimal things, things that would go completely unnoticed by you unless you saw him as something more than a simple friend, unless you saw him in the same light as he saw you.  

hugging you a tad bit tighter and longer when he greeted you, getting leaves out of your hair or clothes for you, tentatively holding your hand when he wanted to guide you somewhere, placing his hands on your waist on hips when he walked past you; all little things that made his pale cheeks burn up a crimson color and his stupid, traitor heart beat uncontrollably against his ribcage... all little things that you remained completely apathetic to.  

“don't be afraid to up your game, hyung,” haknyeon had offered some advice, and as if it served as comfort to kevin, he had friendly palmed his back to show empathy for him, who sat with his head down, face hidden in his hands, “i think y/n is great! they definitely haven't noticed yet, and that's why they haven't said anything!”

it was another one of those nights where he was overcome with feelings, when the tug on his chest became too heavy and when the feeling of urgency became desperation. none of what he did was working out the way he wanted it to, and everytime he was left with more questions that answers: did you really blush when you brushed hands while reaching for the salt, or was it his mind playing tricks on him? were you really staring at him with such dreamy eyes when he was sketching or were you just spaced out? he could never tell.  

“well, that's obvious,” sunwoo retorted, plump lips on a straight line. he scratched his head and nudged kevin on the ribs, “you're the one who knows them best, you should that y/n had never had a partner before, it's likely they're just oblivious to your advances,”

an imaginary lightbulb flicked on on top of kevin's head at that moment when he realized sunwoo was right.

in all the years he's known you, you've never showed any kind of romantic interest in any person. it wasn't that you were short of suitors or admirers, quite the contrary, actually, you've had that sweet tendency to smile at everyone that happened to make eye contact with you since little, offer your help whenever needed and an ability to make friends with anyone in a matter of seconds. kevin was sure, during all his high school years, that the reason why he was liked was because of the halo effect, produced by the fact that he was always by your side.  

but, you, even with many suitors and secret admirers, never once brought up the topic of dating and crushes in front of kevin. he thought it was better that way, honestly, he's a bit more mature now but back when he was still a teenager, he was sure he wouldn't be able to take it if he heard you talking about another guy, all starry eyed and blushing. but that didn't mean he didn't feel curious about it.  

one time, against his own mental advices to just mind his business in case he ended up with a broken heart, kevin asked you about a guy in your class who he overheard your classmates teasing you about.

“oh, yeah, you mean james, right?” you sat on the floor of his bedroom, copying the answers from his textbook onto yours. you had bit your pencil and narrowed your eyes, thoughtfully, “i tutor him on sundays. nice guy.”

“i know who he is,” kevin answered, matter of factly, as he reclined back on his desk chair. he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as some form of idle distraction from the unsteadiness of his heart, “i'm asking you why were your friends making kissy faces at you when he was talking to you.”

he had sounded more stern than he intended, but, then again, that moment was the very first time he ever saw you blush and fix your hair in front of a dude, the first time he saw you act shy around someone.  

“he invited me to prom last week,” you answered, continuing to write down on your notebook with your cute, pink gel pen, “and my friends think he likes me because of that.”

“how are you so sure that he doesn't like you?,” it's obvious he does, kevin thought, otherwise he wouldn't look like such a fool, stuttering and scratching his nape like an idiot everytime you two interacted. not that he's one to talk, though.  

“because he's just being nice to me,” you frowned, “he always is. he walks me home when you can't, invites me to get coffee after tutoring, he saves me a spot next to him when i'm late for class,” you didn't lift your head from your notes or ever stopped writing, that's how trivial james's acts of ‘kindness’ were for you, “he even gifted me chocolates last valentine's.”

that's crush behavior, kevin wanted to say, but he didn't. he didn't want to implant the idea in your mind, making you overly conscious about it and forcing you to end up confused about your own feelings. if you liked him back or not, he decided, was for you to find out on your own, unprovoked.  

“do you like him?,” but there he was, having to open his big mouth out of morbid, masochistic curiosity.  

you lifted your head, finally looking up at him with a raised eyebrow, “no?”

“then why were you blushing when he was talking to you?”

“because julia was making a big deal out of it,” you said, frowning with certain annoyance and embarrassment, “and because noah kept telling him we look so cute together.”

“no, you don't.” kevin chimed in, perhaps too fast for his liking.  

“that's what i'm saying! we're just friends!” you sounded a bit exasperated, probably tired from all the teasing, “just like you and me.”

thanks to sunwoo, remembering that useful, albeit painful, conversation served kevin to switch his approach around you. thinking about it, back then, it should have been his first clue about your lack of awareness. he discarded as simple, intentional obliviousness— he thought that james was so obvious about his crush, you might as well were just trying to ignore it and not acknowledge it to avoid having to awkwardly reject him; but this obliviousness of yours lasted even much, much after that, when you guys moved to korea together and the people you met there were equally interested in you but ended up receiving the same treatment of complete lack of interest. even eric had, at some point of your early friendship, when he had a pitiful crush on you that lasted a couple of months.  

with a new, more direct approach in mind, kevin moon hadn't given up yet.  

he began to make his hints a bit more obvious so that the wouldn't fly over your pretty, little head like the ones before did, and he was pleasantly surprised to find out that it worked with great efficiency.  

complimenting you every chance he could, both looks and personality wise, often mentioning how you're the only person to make him this happy, how his day gets better when he sees you.  

and alongside the not so subtle flirting, your reactions began to grow in intensity as well. instead of the usual, coy nudge you'd give him when he complimented your appearance, you'd purse your lips and look down when he'd say that he thinks you're absolutely stunning. you'd bite a smile, cheeks heating up, when he'd, purposely on accident, casually sit close to you while watching movies, both of your sides pressed against each other. when he'd press an unassuming kiss to your temple after dropping you back at your place, you'd lean into his touch for a bit longer than usual, and you'd look a blushy mess of shaky eyes and pursed lips once he did pull away. even when he wasn't trying, even when his focus was on something else entirely, the amount of times he'd catch you staring at him and then move your eyes away as soon as he noticed were too many for them to be a simple coincidence.  

all of these interactions made him hopeful, made him think that he did the right thing by slowly approaching you in a way that you felt comfortable with. by the time he decided to finally confess to you, he was so sure you were, at least, confused about it, that you were seeing him in a new light now and that you weren't sure how to act around it, and that was enough for kevin, he just needed to go past that friendship relationship and then he'd work the rest, with you.  

and with this realization came yet multiple other inner debates about how to go around the confession. should he prepare for it? invite you to a picnic at the beach and confess to you when you both are enjoying the sunset? or should he just be spontaneous? you've never liked anything too flashy, after all, and you valued honesty over anything else.  

he chose to just do it one day, chose a time when you two are alone and tell you normally like he would do with any other thing. after all, you two were best friends who could tell absolutely anything to each other with no shame, and his feelings for you didn't change this.

but, whenever he thought about finally doing it, whenever he practiced his exact words in his mind over and over again until he was confident enough he wouldn't stutter, the moment would get interrupted by outside forces. like younghoon deciding to watch a movie in the living room where you guys were at, just in time when kevin had said he had something to tell you, like sunwoo coming uninvited into his room when you two were finally alone, saying that he was bored and asking if you wanted to play mario kart together. or that one time when kevin had managed to build momentum in his favor, mentioning how much he appreciates you and how lucky he is to have you by his side unconditionally, and just as he was about to utter the three important words, your mom had the inopportune need to call you, at three a.m. in the morning, because she had a nightmare about you being swallowed by the kraken.  

being stuck in this predicament didn't dishearten kevin, though. he's wanted to tell you how he feels since forever, he wasn't gonna give up over a few unfortunate interruptions.  

the perfect time to do it comes spontaneously, unprepared, just like most of those peaks of inspiration he feels out of the blue somedays.  

tonight, you're staying the night at his. you had went grocery shopping earlier in the afternoon, and kevin bought the ingredients to bake you some brownies after your insistence and pleads, clinging to his arm and pointing at the deliciously looking pictures of them in the premade mixture boxes, so now you're sitting on the counter of his kitchen while looks for the ingredients in the frige, reading the recipe out loud for him from your phone while swinging your legs up and down.  

“a double boiler?”, kevin leaves the fridge door open when he walks up to you and leans in so that he can get a look at your screen, “what the heck's that?”

“it says here that it's a fancy term for a... small saucepan filled with an inch of two of water set over low heat,” you read out loud, then lifting your head with a confused grimace, “huh?”

“i don't know,” kevin kicks the door closed after retrieving the butter, shrugging and trying to pretend he didn't notice how you stared at his lips just a second ago, “i'm just gonna make that one old recipe, the one we know and adore.”

“yeah, i don't know why you felt the need to change it,” you set your phone down and hop down the counter to give him more space, “you know i just eat whatever you make.”

“you like your brownies a bit more fudgy, don't you?” he takes a bowl out of the cabinet, and places it right beside where you're standing. he offers you a smile, a bit shy but genuine, “and i like to spoil you.”

at that moment, sunwoo walks into the kitchen. he makes a small gesture of acknowledgement to you and walks past kevin to get to the fridge. you follow him with your eyes.  

“hyung, i'm heading out,” sunwoo grabs a water bottle and closes the fridge again. he stands by kevin and points at the bowl where he's wisking the eggs, taking a short sip of his water, “can you save me some brownies?”

“i'm not making these for you, you know,” kevin sighs.  

“just one, then,” sunwoo insists, eyebrows up and pout on his lips, “you know i love brownies.”

“i'll save you some,” you smile at the younger guy lightly, “where are you heading?”

sunwoo shrugs and scratches his nape, “had the sudden urge to go to the movies.”

“alone?” you inquire, trying to supress a laugh.  

“don't judge a man for his hobbies, y/n,” sunwoo flicks your forehead with little force, and kevin hates that ugly feeling in his gut when you giggle and poke your tongue at him, “gotta go now, i've already purchased my ticket.”

and with sunwoo leaving, everyone else out on individual schedules and chanhee dead asleep on his room, you both are, technically, left alone in the dorm for once and for all.  

kevin pretends to be too preoccupied with spreading the thick batter in the baking pan to notice that the perfect opportunity to do it is just unfolding in front of him. he knows that the reason why he keeps getting interrupted is because he likes to take his sweet time with it, dragging it out as much as he can so he can prepare his heart for it. he decides he's not gonna do that tonight.  

just as he opens his mouth, your phone dings on the counter. kevin busies himself with putting the baking pan in the oven while you reach for your phone with the spatula he used in your mouth.  

“who are you texting?” he asks once he notices your wide smile and soft giggles.  

“yurina, one of my uni classmates,” you lick your lips after you're done licking the batter off, tossing the spatula into the sink, “she's happy because she asked her crush to be her girlfriend,”

“and did she say yes?”

“well, she wouldn't be happy otherwise, don't you think?”

there's an one-sided awkward silence when kevin rests against the counter while staring at you intently texting back and forth with this girl from uni.  

a moment of doubt crosses his mind. should he really do it? something tells him he shouldn't, that he should just keep quiet, but he's been walking through this desert for so long ago that stopping now feels wrong when he can practically see water in front of him.

love gives him a push in the back.  

“what about you?” he asks, and he internally cringes at the way his voice cracks a little at the end. he clears his throat, “i mean, are you interested in anyone?”

your thumbs stop typing suddenly, and you remain frozen for a moment, staring at your screen. you're blushing a little when you slowly lift your eyes towards him, and he mirrors such expression when his hopeful heart does a little flip.  

“why—why are you asking all of a sudden?”, your voice sounds tiny and you look a bit doubtful of him.  

“well, you never tell me about stuff like this,” he scratches his eyelid as he looks down at his shoes. the awkwardness is almost painful, and he's sure he isn't the only one feeling it right now, “is it someone you can't tell me?,” he makes a small pause in which he lifts his eyes from the ground and looks at you, “a close friend, maybe?”

silence fills the kitchen. the hen shaped cooking timer clicks as it counts down the minutes for the brownies to be ready, hour phone pings with new upcoming messages, the tv in chanhee's room makes deaf noise in the backround, yet, none of you talk.

when you refuse to meet his eyes that come looking for you, biting the inside of your cheek and looking down, kevin realizes he's going to be the one who breaks it, unfortunately.

“did i hit the jackpot?,” perhaps he sounds hopeful, or perhaps the silence was too loud that his voice now seems to over-volume it.  

you finally look up from the floor, “why am i the only one being interrogated?,” you sound a little more like yourself when you block your phone and cross your arms on your chest, lips pouty and the tip of your ears a little bit red, “you also never tell me anything about stuff like that!”

“i'll tell you if you want,” he murmurs, trying to analize your reaction, “if you tell me first.”

in the heart fluttering moment, odds are in his favor, he knows. it's on the way you look at him through your eyelashes, shy and maybe even a bit flustered, the sugar rush on his veins at the sight of your blush, ever telling of your feelings. because he knows you so well he knows that his hunch is right, it's because of your connection that he can feel that it's no longer one-sided, that, as much as he feels for you, you feel for him.  

“why don't you,” you make a small pause to press the back of your hands to your hot cheeks, “why don't you say it first, then?”

“how about we say it at the same time?,” even in his certainty there's still cautiousness, as if he needs confirmation even if he can read your heart, “at the count of three.”

“okay,” you smile at him with warmth, gentle, still laced with a shyness that makes your eyes a bit glossy, and it's the prettiest thing kevin has ever seen, “one.”

“two.” he says, his heart on a frenzy, mind a bit hazy with quiet excitement for what's about to come.  

“three!” you both say, and there's a small pause before any of you continue:

“you!”

“sunwoo!”

[prof-peach]

Hey Prof, I need your advice.

My sister recently decided she didn't wanted her bulbasaur anymore (she got him on a whim about a month ago) and gave him to me, he is quite violent and tends to attack when I try to get close to him.

Now, that wouldn't be a huge problem, but my Purrloin has gotten hurt trying to befriend him, she's quite outgoing and never really liked fighting (we enjoy contests so she knows a few more flashy attacks), so she couldn't even defend herself properly.

I don't want to give up on him and my local rescue center is filled with Bunearies (you know, after Easter kids don't want their Bunny anymore) so they can't take him in right now, any advice in how I can go about this situation?

Sounds to me like you have a tricky little dude on your hands. So you're not battle orientated which will make this harder, Bulbasaur in the wild are actually quite combat minded to defend their families and territory, and a lot of their herds consist of strict hierarchy based on power and skill, often led by older, fully evolved members of their group. 

Before you take any actions to befriend them, its worth noting that any pokemon who comes into your care showing aggression is usually doing so for one or two reasons that are pretty universal for any species. Fear being the main issue with pokemon who have been ditched, if a pokemon is unwell, if it feels exposed, if it is unsure of you or your home, your partners, it may lash out because it is afraid. Even what looks like pure anger can stem from a fear. Of course some individuals are just full of rage, its not unheard of, but for the most part it comes from somewhere else. 

For a moment, take the time to put yourself in this pokemons shoes. It was chosen, with hopes and ambitions of its own, by your sister, a stranger to them, and for whatever reason they were cast aside. This reason may be unclear to the pokemon, it may be unfair, unkind, or even without malice just out of pure indifference. No matter the reason, this pokemon has been left behind by a trainer it at one point probably wanted to try to get along with. I don’t know what your sister may or may not have done, or provided for the bulbasaur, but it will help you understand how its feeling, if you were to ask her about their relationship prior to you receiving the pokemon. If it has always been aggressive and angry, i’d seriously consider talking to it about release, not rehome. 

We humans have a preconceived notion that pokemon are pets and things to keep with us. This may be true for some sure, but not every pokemon wishes to be a captive to a human, they may want more for themselves, and wish for a free life with their own kind. We cannot put our wants and desires above that of the pokemons, so you two need to have a talk, at a respectful distance for safeties sake, to see what the Bulbasaur feels they may want. These are herd pokemon, born and bred to be with their own kind, if not a larger group, if its lonely, if it wants to go home, to start a family, or simply to not be held in a ball as some creature to be owned, then you as its current carer must give it what you can. You can always find another pokemon who wants to be your partner, but you cannot give back lost years to a pokemon who has lived a life its unhappy with. Treat them with respect, and be open and honest. At the end of the day we have a chance to help pokemon, and forcing what we want onto them is a hinderance, and will lead to them feeling unsatisfied and bitter in the long run. 

Some pokemon lash out due to the process of being handed off to someone else, trust is earnt, not always just simply given to whoever holds the pokeball. Remember this as you move forward, and try to keep your other pokemon away from them, Bulbasaur are territorial species, and have to accept pokemon into their families before simply allowing them to come and go freely into their personal space. Despite their grouchy natures at times they usually do have a morally positive compass, and defend with ferocity when they love something. Perhaps in you showing genuine concern for their welfare and future, offering them not what you want, but instead what they want, they may give you a chance to get closer, but take baby steps, and try to be their friend above all else. I bet they're feeling pretty lonely right now. 

Its worth sharing interests with the pokemon, talk about contests, see if they're interested, some pokemon have a predisposition for this, others have no interest and prefer more battle based lives, or even peaceful non-competitive existences. no amount of pressure will change a pokemon’s nature, and some just aren't cut out for the fine art of showmanship that contests require. You can however use powerful attacks in showy ways, so theres always hope that they could enjoy it, if you can work with them to their strengths. 

If possible, work to getting them outdoors, cooping grass types up can lead to stroppy, testing personalities, many thrive in the outdoors, he may need some serious outside time to compensate for the lack of exercise and natural stimulation they may have not been getting prior to your ownership. There are plenty of areas in public that are much like tennis courts, areas of space you can book for a set amount of time too exercise difficult pokemon, these locations are often secure facilities, both outdoors and indoors, to suit a range of species. find one that has outdoor facilities and book a few hours per week to go there, increasing the time whenever possible. This exercise and time with you may help to find common ground, and topics that you and the bulbasaur can bond over. This can be anything from battles, to sun bathing, playing sports, games, swimming, running or digging, and everything in between. Bulbasaur naturally are great foragers and tend to like to snaffle about in long grass and shrubland, hiding treats like berry slices in a secure environment is good enrichment and can tire the pokemon out. a tired pokemon is usually a little less aggressive, having lower energy levels and less want to expend attacks. this process also associated you with something fun, and your scent will be on the treats too, so they'll know you were the one to provide this activity for them.   

I’d also take plenty of time to observe the bulbasaur, as your sister got them on a whim, they probably had no prior knowledge of the species, or how to correctly care for them. In a month, a health complaint could have begun to show, so observe their colouration, feet, walking gait, sleeping patterns, feeding habits, and general behaviour. Excess scratching, heavy breathing, or unusual shaking or moving can suggest a health condition is starting to take form. Most can be helped if caught early, but some illnesses give the pokemon discomfort, and can lead to snappy tempers and irritability. It could be that this individual is in pain, or finding life difficult due to its health, which can cause a lot of hostility as i’m sure anyone would agree. It can suck to be sick!

This species can be won over if you can prove you have a skill of worth to them. This is the case with a lot of pokemon, having respect for something they cannot do, and learning that they need things from you can lead to them at least tolerating us humans. Its a foot in the door. A trick i like t use with particularly difficult bulbasaur is to give them their fav food, whatever it is, then put it in a clear container the pokemon cannot open. They have no thumbs, and their vines though dexterous, aren't able to open every kind of container. The pokemon will want whats inside, and be unable to access it. they will eventually give up out of frustration. this is where you come in. enter the space, don’t let your pokemon approach as this can be threatening, and open the container. leave it on the floor open, making sure they've watched you get the thing open. They can then approach and enjoy their fav food, all thanks to you and those wondrous thumbs you have. repeating this process yields good results, and starts a mutual relationship of tolerance and acceptance between you and a bulbasaur. Most will accept they want the food more than they want you gone, and you provide something they can’t get to. whatever you do, don’t let them see that you were the one to lock the food up in the container. Get a friend to do it, or do it in the room, and leave it in place on the floor, before allowing the bulbasaur to enter and investigate the item. If they see you're the one doing it, the trick is foiled, and your back to square one. Eventually this does tend to lead to the pokemon becoming less stressed with you around them, and eventually it leads to trust, and even friendship. This trick is good to use to get them use to you, once they're ok with you being around them because of your use to them, they may start to take food from you directly, engage in play, or even just sit and tolerate company for short periods of time. Do not expect this to be quick, but it does usually do the trick. 

Regardless, i do have concern that the pokemon may want to be with its own, should you discuss this and find they're not interested in being housebound and a pet, feel free to send them our way, we had exactly this situation in mind when setting up the islands facilities, and have extensive locations designed with grass pokemosn needs at the forefront. Theres a small herd of about 12 bulbasaur evolutions that live north of our labs, no people see them, they are happy as a unit, and are left alone to go about their lives, with the only interactions between humans being us giving them their yearly health check, or should we spot them with an issue, we may intervene. They live away from others and pretty much free, in a poacher safe environment. Its not ideal, we like to keep pokemon in areas they come from, with people who love them, and you show great concern for the pokemon so it would be a shame to have to let them go, BUT sometimes thats just life, and theres nothing to be done about it other than accepting that the pokemons wants come first. They may just be mistrusting so try everything else first, and see how you go. hopefully you’ll yield some results from this all. Good luck out there trainer. 

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[repo-net]

Day 3: Because I Was Born Where I Was Born

Having renowned status is said to be a blessing given by the gods. I don't believe in things like those myself, but if there is a divinity out there, I wish they'd be much less cruel to me.

Being famous and having a status like mine isn't always a good thing. Hell, I'm inclined to believe it's because of the fact I was born into this family that all my problems came to be. I wish I'd been born to someone normal... but would I really trade never being able to meet them in exchange for a life where I'd have been happy on my own; unaware that they were suffering?

... No, that's too selfish of me. It's way too selfish. A better option would've been if another universe out there; if these exist, too, was me getting to meet them, as they were happy with their parents. With their family. I get to spend time with them, happy and carefree...

Does such a world like that exist, I wonder?

What if I wasn't the child to come out of mother; and rather, it was a more gifted one, truly perfect and ideal, and the perfect subject for Father's experiments? Like the perfect guinea pig...

... No, even that'd be too selfish. Even if the child in that scenario wouldn't see it as a problem, they're still being stripped away of their happiness. Heck, I didn't even know what was being taken away from me until I was enrolled and saw how everyone else was so much happier than me.

Then what if I had a sibling? What would we do together? Would we share the burden of having to go through those horrific study sessions, both injected with the same drugs and the same cameras constantly watching us to make sure we don't fall asleep? Would I feel less alone, knowing that there's someone out there who shares my pain?

Or what if the sibling in question isn't even being treated the same way as me... how jealous would I be then? And would I want my sibling to be younger than me, or older than me?

... Honestly, I don't know what I yearn for more. The ability to look after those who can't help themselves, or the benefit of being cared for by someone wiser than me.

What if my family was caught by the police; and I had been saved by adults? My view on them would've been changed much earlier. I wouldn't be terrified by them, constantly living in fear that I was about to be subjected to something again. Then I could ask the police to bust out the rest of them too, and we can be happy.

What if I just ended my pain early?

No, I can't think stuff like that. I'm alive now, and I should be thankful for that. At least for them, and for the mistakes I've caused, I'll at least stick around to bear this cross for them. They deserve to find their own happiness; no matter how late it is. I'd rather something happen to me before they get hurt again.

All in all, I just wanted us to be happy... was that really so much to ask for?

But it doesn't matter anymore. Because I was born where I was born, there wasn't any hope for me at all to be saved. Not when your family's status is so high the authorities dare not to get in their way.

Because I was born where I was born, there was never a chance I could be a child.

[whattodowithace]

Arch Enemies (A.C.E)

Title: Arch Enemies

Pairing: A.C.E x Reader

Genre: Spice

Word Count: 2,034 Words

Writer: Whattodowithkpop [Lio]

Summary: They make it impossible to be friends, however they still pull you in deep to where you can't cut them off like you know you should.

******

Jun

The two of them had been in the same college classes since the start of university. They both were top of their classes and started to compete with each other. The friendly rivalry became more like an enemy relationship. They would constantly argue over who was the smartest and who had better grades. Much like the fight they were currently having in the chemist room.

"I can't believe you only got a B in chemistry." Jun laughs as she glares at him.

"I can't believe you got a B in P.E." She counters back.

"P.E is not useful."

"Tell that to the athletes who get paid millions to do P.E for a living." She smirks.

"And scientist get billions for their work with chemistry, sweetheart."

"I will show you chemistry!" She yells in anger, the tension suddenly expanding in the room.

Jun gulps nervously as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Just... Just do better, so I actually have competition." Jun stutters as he makes a quick exit, leaving her a blushing mess.

Donghun

The two bodies trapped inside the office closet glare at each other. They had been working late on a project, but it wasn't going too well. The problem was, they really didn't get along with each other hence the reason nothing was getting done.

They had exhausted themselves arguing, so they decided to step away from the computers and grab some coffee from the break room. They stayed silent as they relaxed in their own worlds, taking this time to avoid the other as much as they could.

They were about to go back to work when they heard a thump. When she peaks outside she sees their superior with his secretary making out on one of the desks. Her eyes widen as she pushes Donghun into the closet that connected to the break room. Donghun went to protest when she shushes him as another thump is sounded.

"Our manger is sucking his secretary's face and if you want to be the one to catch them be my guest." She states in a whisper as she takes her hand from over his mouth.

Donghun glares at her and huffs, looking the opposite direction. This was how they got into this situation. It wasn't ideal either because of the fact that the closet was so small that the two had to be squished together, making their anger sky rocket.

"Of all the days." Donghun growls in frustration.

"If you would just agree with me once in awhile we wouldn't have had to stay later to finish the project." She argue with him as she looks up at him to see his dark brown eyes glaring at her as well.

"It's a two way street, Princess. If you would've signed off on that agreement we'd be three weeks ahead in this project." Donghun sneers back.

"And then it would've failed after those three weeks."

"We could've come up with something after those three weeks." His voice rising. "You just needed to work with me."

"You're impossible!" She shouts in a hushed manner, their noses directly next to each other's.

The glare lasts for a few moments before the pair suddenly realize the thumping had stopped.

"Let's get out of here." Donghun scoffs as he pushes past her to get out of the closet. "I don't want to spend another second with your body touching mine."

His words effected them both, their temperatures rising at the memory of their close proximity. But they both shake it off as they go back to figuring out a solution to their project.

Chan

If they had it their way, Jun would choose just one of them to be his friend . But because he loved them both he would never side with one over the other. Chan was his best guy friend and she was his best girl friend. He needed both and didn't care that the two couldn't stand each other.

He continually invited them, both to hang out with and the rest of his friends in the hopes they would learn to become friends. This had yet to happen. The two would avoid the other like the plague, not even swapping introductions as a courtesy.

There was no reason for them to hate the other, just when they first met they seemed to not get along. They never tried hard enough to get along so their rivalry continued to grow.

Currently, Chan was talking with Donghun, the two in a heated conversation over which genre of song was the best for the throat, while she sat and chatted with Byeongkwan about his current dance projects. Jun had approached them both separately, asking if they'd help him go get the pizza he had ordered. Both agreed and made their way to his parking garage.

Once there, she jumped into the passenger seat, waiting for Jun to get into the drivers seat, whilst a few moments later, Chan sat in the drivers seat, waiting for Jun to enter the passenger's seat. When they both look to the other, their angers blazed against, not only one another, but Jun as well.

"I will not go with you." They say at the same time, both glaring harder as soon as the words left their mouths.

"Get out." Chan demands. "I'll get them myself."

A knock is heard on the window, Chan rolling it down to be met with Jun.

"You both have to go cause there is a lot of pizza."

"I will not help him." She snarls as she crosses her arms.

"Please?" Jun begs, his eyes going between the two. "I need to stay here and the rest of them are too tipsy to help."

There is a long pause before both parties finally agree.

"You owe us big time." Chan notes as he rolls up the window to start driving.

The two drive in silence until the tension couldn't be lived in anymore.

"Could you turn on some music? Even your breathing is irritating." She asks as she continues to stare out the window.

"I'm the driver and I don't want music so you are going to have to deal., Love." The pet name leaves Chan's throat before he can stop it. His eyes widen as he clears his throat, trying to ignore the hammering in his chest.

She taps her fingers nervously over her thighs as his 'love' echos in her ears. It really shouldn't have her facade faltering, but it does.

"Thanks for ruining a term of endearment for me." She speaks up after moments of silence, her throat almost cracking. 

Chan scoffs. "Like anyone would call you that anyway."

"Well you just did." She shoots back, her nervousness coming back after her words. She wines.

Chan gulps, his whole bias about her faltering as he glances at her.

The two stay silent for the rest of the trip, but something in their relationship shifted that day. And Jun was going to exploit it to the best of his ability.

Byeongkwan

Of course they were enemies. They were both captains of their own dance team. Dance teams that saw each other every year at the championships and who had tried for years to one up the other. They often met at the same dance practice room. There weren't  many around the town, so they were forced to interact around that time.

Most the time, they were with their crew, so they didn't bother each other at all. But when the two happened to show up by themselves, it was heated.

Harsh words would be passed back and forth and many hours would be spent trying to one up the other with a dance routine. It usually ended with the two of them having to truce because they could no longer stand. Usually they met during the day, so they had witnesses so they couldn't get to out of hand.

However, tonight was the first night they both showed up alone being the only two in the dance studio. She entered the studio an hour after him and sighed in frustration when she saw his reflection in the mirror. As much as she hated him, she couldn't deny he was handsome, especially when he had been practicing hard, his body being covered in sweat. Her irritation of him, however, overlooked all those things as she made her way to the opposite dance room.

They practice for a few hours before Byeongkwan enters her room.

"Be responsible and lock up when you're done." He sneers as he goes to close the door.

"Okay old man, since you're already quitting I'll lock up."

Byeongkwan stops and steps inside the room. "I was here an hour before you."

"And I'll be here for another three hours." She says through heavy breaths as she rests her hands on her hips.

"I get to leave early cause I don't need another three hours of practice." Byeongkwan smirks as he takes a drink from, his water bottle.

She storms up to him, standing on her tip toes to glare into his eyes. "And yet I won last year."

"Who won two ears in a row before that?" He smirks, his eyes dancing in mischief.

Her glare gets stronger. "Then I'll just have to win two years in row to beat you record."

"I'd like to see you try baby." Byeongkwan whispers.

Her glare falls in shock at hi s pet name, but reappears when his smirk widens.

"You're a distraction, I need to get back to practice."

"I'm distracting you?" Byeongkwan asks in surprise, but his smirk never faltering.

"Leave before I practice my dance moves on your face."

"Careful baby, to some people that would be a pick up line."

She pushes on his shoulders angrily, opening the door before pushing him out of the room. "Not coming from me to you. Go prepare for your loss."

Seyoon

He didn't mean to rub her the wrong way. He just wasn't one for a lot of conversing. She took his silence as a sign of his hatred for her. She met him through mutual friends, but when he closed off and stayed silent she declared him an enemy of hers.

They would see each other at get togethers and would sometimes meet at the grocery store, but she paid him no mind and he didn't make any advancements either. She ranted to her friends about the insufferable Kim Seyoon and how frustrating he was. Of course they listened, but something didn't add up.

She went for a late night walk on the campus one night to clear her head. Her physics assignment was a pain and she needed a break. She went out for some fresh air, but quickly got heated when she ran into Kim Seyoon, quite literally ran into.

"Of course I run into you of all people." She groans as she rubs her nose from the impact.

"If you would watch where you're going maybe you wouldn't have." Seyoon smiles in amusement as she glares at him.

"It would be better if I could walk around the campus once without seeing you." She grumbles.

"Maybe you just don't walk around the campus then. Then I wouldn't have to see you." Seyoon snickers.

"I don't need your input, thank you." She turns to walk away before turning back to get one more word in.

When she turns around, however, her body heats up as she just now notices his lack of shirt. Her heart starts pumping as she looks at his chest heave from his previous running.

"Did anyone tell you it's rude to stare?" Seyoon says cockily, bring her from her trance.

"Has anyone told you... you should.. wear a shirt cause it's cold out?" She fires back, shutting her eyes in embarrassment from her stupid comeback.

"Don't you know sweating makes your body hot?" Seyoon looks down to his chest for emphasis, his body shining in the light due to the accumulation of sweat on his pecks.

"I am very late to a thing, I must leave." She states quickly as she runs back towards her dorm, leaving a smirking Seyoon under the lamppost.

A.C.E MASTERLIST

[ahsxual]

My Personal Teddy Bear

Pairing: Phoenix!Joker x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Request: "Heyyy !! Love your writing ! :D If it's okay for you, can you please write a headcanon with Joker 2019 and a very romantic reader who loves fluffy things ? Thank you !! <3"

Word Count: 1,9k

A/N: Thank you so much for requesting this my dear @arthurjokersgirl!! I'm really happy to know that you like my writing 🥺🥺 It means so much to me!! And I'm so sorry for taking so long, but I had a few problems in writing this fic (tumblr didn't save it, so I had to write it all over again). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fic I made for you <33

(I don't own this image!!! If you own it, please message me and I'll give you the deserved credits)

When you and Arthur met, both of you were surprised by the amount of things that you had in common.

You two are so kind, so good-hearted, so romantic and dedicated to your partner and everything you do... and if there's something that manages to put a cute and melting smile on your faces, is when you receive, especially when it’s from one another, fluffy objects, such as teddy bears, flowers, romantic CD's, love letters... anything that involves and expresses the love you have for each other.

Whenever you idealized a relationship or whenever someone asked you to describe the "perfect man", the answer was always the same: a romantic, caring, generous and cute guy who would do anything for his girlfriend, promising to love her for all eternity.

Once other people heard your answer, they would say you were just being childish, that those types of guys weren't real and that you had to live in the real world, not some kind of princess movie, waiting for your prince to rescue and fulfill your heart with all the love he could muster... what they didn't know, was that your prince was destined to meet you the moment you were welcomed into this world.

You couldn't imagine being with anybody else: ever since you shared your first words with Arthur, you knew deep inside that he was the one for you, the love of your life, your charming prince... and as if he hasn’t told you yet, he felt exactly the same, you were his one and only that he had been waiting for so long all his lonely life.

Your chemistry was unique: you were so in love, so committed to your relationship, that you were sure that you would spend the rest of your lifes with each other. Death wasn’t able to break your chain, it was stronger that anything else in the universe. Once you had finally perished, you would marry each other as many times as you needed, twice, thrice, billions of times if it were needed. 

Arthur sees you as a sweet, gorgeous flower, being utterly different from the others by its unique beauty. He doesn’t have eyes for any other flower: you're the only one he has eyes for and feels pure love for: he even compared himself to the Little Prince, and you were the only flower in his world, yet perfect and outstanding.

He loved the fact that you were as romantic as him, because that made him feel more secure and sure of yourself. Even the little things would put your eyes in tears and make your smile grow until your red cheeks started to hurt because of his sweet gestures.

Your favorite hobbie is, after getting from a tired and exhausted day of work, laying in each other's arms on the spacious sofa while watching romantic movies or comedies to brighten your mood, covered in blankets while sharing a cup of hot tea because of the frosty cold winter.

You loved everything about Arthur and your relationship with him: it was all about trust, support, love, dedication, comprehension and understanding. He was your best friend, and you were his.

Every month he would save some extra money to buy you a present, sometimes even starving himself for days just to have enough money to buy you the most expensive gift he could afford. But of course that once you knew about this you immediately stopped him, not admitting him to do such silliness no matter how good his intentions were.

But what he didn't know, was that you were willing to play the same game: without him realizing it, you saved some cash every month as well (without starving yourself, of course), to buy tickets for a romantic movie that would debut in the cinemas.

You were so happy about it, to finally give Arthur what he deserves and to take him where he has always wanted to go since he was a little kid. But this time, he would see a romantic movie with you, giving you both an opportunity to have a decent date for you to enjoy.

You couldn't wait to see your lover's face once he knows he'd go to cinema for the very first time with the love of his life, with his one and only... with you.

On the other hand, Arthur was thinking exactly the same thing, since he had been saving some cash to give you a surprise, imagining your reaction after he had offered his gift that would mark and change your lives forever, while increasing your pure love even more, if that was even possible.

One day you went to grab your hidden piggy bank with more money to save, only to count it right after. Once you had counted it and saw that you had enough, you instantly jumped and giggled from the sheer happiness around your shared room. You made so much noise, that even Arthur who was in the living room, knocked gently on the door to make sure you were fine.

Today was the day where you finally could show your gift to him: you told him that he needed to hurry up and dress something nice, because you were going to an amazing place. He wanted to know what your plans were so bad, but he knew it was useless since you wouldn't tell him until you had arrived to the "misterious place".

Once you had arrived and had gotten out safely from the bus, you told your boyfriend to close his gorgeous ocean eyes.

"You can open them now, love." you gently said with the two tickets held in your hand, while being right in front of the cinema so he could understand your intentions.

He was immediatly dumb-founded as soon as he understood what you meant. "Y-you... you want me to go to the cinema with... with you?" his eyes started to become moist with each second that passed, and you only had time to embrace him in your eyes while assuring him that this was real, that this was really happening.

"It's ok love, it's good to let our emotions out when we need to. I'm right here if you need anything. We will have so much fun! And you know that we deserve this, it will be good for us and our relationship, right?" you look into his eyes and could see that a few tears managed to slide down from his red and cold cheeks. He was definitely crying, but from happiness, something that he never thought was possible: he could only relate tears to sadness, however you managed to prove him that the opposite was possible as well. That's what he loved about you: even having been through a lot and felt so many things from his entire life, he would always learn something new about you, him and others from you.

"I can't even thank you enough for all you have done for me, honey... If I could only retribute half that you have done for me... I would be the happiest man for seeing his future wife happy as well." you were smiling from ear to ear, but once he said the words that you always dreamed to hear from him, "future wife", you had to hold your tears back from falling down your now stunned face.

You were too distracted, or should I say too concentrated on your lover, that you didn't realize that the movie was about to start.

Once you entered the cinema room, both of you were amazed by the view: the red seats were all over the place and were very organized; the movie screen was giant, the perfect size to enjoy your movie; the background was simple, yet exquisite, giving you a sudden feeling of luxury, however you didn't care that much if you were honest. As long as you were by Arthur's side, that's all that matters, because your love is the most luxurious thing in this world.

That night was the one you've always dreamed of: you stayed close to each other while grabbing your hands firmly, yet gently, like you were terrified of someone taking the other away from yourselves; the movie contained a lot of romance, which illuminated your hearts more than the brightest stars. You could even relate yourselves to the lovely couple on the screen, which made you both smile the entire time, changing glances with each other with the most passionate stare. This made Arthur think about what he had planned for you for a long time, more specifically from the moment you shared your first kiss, because since then, he instantly knew you were the one.

It made him feel a little bit, not to say extremely, nervous as well, and when the movie ended, you thought it was necessary to ask if he was ok or if he just didn't like the movie.

"N-no! Of course I liked the movie, I actually loved it. I couldn't imagine any other date more perfect than the one you planned for us... thank you once again, it means so, so much to me, sweetheart..." he admitted, making you feel more relaxed. However, he seemed like he was hiding something else, like he had something on his mind that he couldn't let out. But then he smiled at you while grabbing your hand softly, and from that moment you knew that he was about to tell you what was stuck on his mind since he left home.

You walked out of the cinema and went outside, where you instantly felt your body shivering from the cold of the late night of Gotham... but your boyfriend made sure to warm and melt your heart in an instant.

You saw Arthur overthinking and trembling a little, and when you were about to ask him if he was cold too and wanted you to warm him up, he kneeled on the rigid ground and took a small box of your favorite color from his back pocket.

You had an idea of what was coming, yet you couldn't believe that that was what was really going to happen.

"My sweet precious, kind, and beautiful love, would you... would you l-like to ah.. m-marry me...?" his eyes seemed like they belonged to a baby puppy that was asking for affection or his favorite treat, but in this case he was asking you for being his wife... Is this a dream??

You immediately felt your eyes burning and becoming wet by the few rebellious tears that managed to escape from your lovely stare. Your hands were now in front of your gaping mouth, and you couldn't feel cold anymore. The only thing you felt in that moment, was an enormous wave of warm love that you couldn't help, but you let yourself drown.

It was at this moment that all your insecurities and fears that were related to your mutual love, were permanently defeated. Now you knew there was nothing nor anyone that would tear you apart... and you had so many goals yet to achieve as a couple.

[mulderwantstobelieve]

I Don’t Want You To Go Home Tonight

I Don’t Want You To Go Home Tonight

“Mulder... why are we choosing to be alone?”

Rating: PG-13

Description: A Post-Ep for the flashbacks shown in Per Manum. Scully’s IVF treatment has failed and Mulder decides to stay with her that night to comfort her with wine and her favorite salad.

Author’s Note: Basically, this fic is my idea of what led up to their “First Time”. I love the idea of All Things being their first time, but this is my IDEAL first time story for them. I think it makes sense with the IVF story arc and with their characters. I imagine this happening somewhere between All Things and before Requiem (probably right before Requiem).

cover photo yoinked from @iddoitforfreebaabe

******

"Never give up on a miracle," Mulder told her, his forehead placed against her own. Scully sniffled as she felt some snot trying to escape her nose. She pulled him in to give him a tender kiss on the cheek and then into a hug.

Mulder's closeness made her feel she was at yet another crossroads in their partnership. Part of her, the one that felt insecure and afraid, could tell him "Go home, Mulder, I'll be fine."

She was tempted to retreat to her room and send him to worry about her somewhere else. Anywhere but in front of her. They could go back to work next week and move on from yet another traumatic event, travel to a new city or state, and they could carry on without letting each other in.

This loss, the impossibility of becoming a mother with her own flesh and blood, was making her soul the weight of a millstone. She had nothing left. Chasing monsters and fighting all the damn time wasn't keeping her alive anymore. It was making her feel old now. Hasn't it gone on long enough?

That part of her wanted him to stay, the part that felt too tired to keep going. That part of her wanted him to slow down and not leave her behind. She wanted him to stay.

Before she could speak her mind, Mulder broke the silence.

"I'm staying here for a while. To make sure you're going to be okay."

Despite the battle going on in her mind, she let him make the decision. Honestly, she was too tired and her brain was so overworked to even talk. She gave him a nod against his shoulder and pulled away to look at him.

Mulder became aware of how dry his mouth was as he felt a small pang of anxiety in his stomach. He felt the weight of the atmosphere, not just from grief of Scully's lost hope, but because he was at a crossroads of his own.

Earlier, he had sat on Scully's couch for what seemed like hours, his mind reeling with all of the choices to be made. He thoughts of two worlds: Scully is pregnant, Scully is not pregnant.

If Scully were to be pregnant, what would he do? How would he fit in to her life? They hadn’t exactly discussed that part of it. Would he be around to become crazy uncle Mulder, sharing tales of myths and Sasquatch and teaching the kid baseball? Or would he and Scully drift apart as she enters motherhood? Would he be present to watch a child grow up with her eyes and his smile, her hair and his nose, her stubbornness and his adventurous spirit... without feeling connected to them? Would he watch as their child goes through first days of school and college, one day getting married, and having children?

Would he remain on the outside as an observer, watching everything happen in montages while he goes home alone, chasing whatever the hell comes next?

But there was another option: he could be here. He could feel happy with her. He could hold her when she feels sick or insecure. He could tell her he loves her. He could hold his child in his arms.

He could be a father.

These thoughts would have scared him a few years ago, but things have changed. And even if Scully were to come home with the news that they weren't having a child, they couldn't go back to their comfortable invulnerability anymore. Not after this.

Mulder pondered these thoughts again as he and Scully stood there for another minute, his arms still wrapped around her waist. He hoped he was comforting her despite the depressing results. Though they both knew there was a high chance the IVF wouldn’t work and Scully becoming pregnant was nearly impossible, it was hard to accept that believing wasn't enough this time.

"I'm going to take a shower, I might be in there for a while. I need to be alone," Scully said as she broke their embrace. He raised a hand to her cheek, but she stared at the wall behind him.

"I'll be here." She gave him a small smile in return and disappeared down the hall.

He decided to go pick up some food from a place down the street he knows she likes. They have these strawberry poppy seed salads that she'll even eat when lacking an appetite. He could at least try whatever he could to get her mind off of this.

He picked up some wine as well, hoping that it may dull her pain. He tried to think of all the topics he could bring up to get her mind off of it, knowing it wouldn't help much, but he could make a strong effort.

A short while after he returned with their dinner, Scully came out of the bathroom. She had taken the time to blow-dry her hair, which he took note of. She still had the energy to dry her hair, which isn't a bad thig but he was aware of the fact that restless working was how she coped, so he needed to be sure she relaxed tonight.

They watched a black and white TV movie that they didn't know the name of. It wasn't interesting, but it was distracting. Mulder and Scully ate their dinner on the couch in silence. He noticed Scully smiling after seeing what he ordered her which made something in his stomach feel warm. A full-tooth smile from her always made him smile back. When the first glass of wine was poured, it became easier to have a conversation.

"Thanks for being here," Scully said after a few moments of sipping her wine. She was facing the TV, cupping the glass against her chest.

"N-no problem," he said a little too quickly, happy she was wanting to talk now. "Actually my plans for the evening were a little boring." He said, facing her direction. He slung his arm over the back of the couch, his wrist hid in her hair.

"Oh yeah, what were they?" She smiled from the inside of her cup. She turned to face him now, her expression lifted.

"It's what I do every Friday night, Scully. Stay late at the office, get Chinese takeout, think about possibly doing my dishes but instead throwing a dart at a map and calling you to tell you we're going to wherever-the-hell, Oklahoma because there's gotta be some cryptic or source waiting for us there..."

Scully began to smile wide and a small chuckle escaped her lips when she realized he was joking.

"...then I take a shower and lay in bed, wondering about the mysteries of the universe. Is that not what you do?" He said, trying to hold back a laugh.

Scully replied with another big smile, "Wow, Mulder, that's exactly my same routine!"

"I thought so!" he grinned, looking at his lap. "Where are your darts, Scully? I'm a creature of habit."

She shot him a jokingly stern look and leaned towards the coffee table to pour herself another glass.

"Actually," she began, "my plans are more like: pick up groceries, clean the bathroom, wash my hair, then get into bed... sleeping soundly because I couldn't care less about Bigfoot or sentient plant life or demons trying to nibble my toes," She giggled and Mulder rolled his eyes.

"You don't have trouble sleeping, Scully? With everything that the universe could hold? You don't even wonder?" He urged.

She shrugged. "I guess I wonder more about stuff that's in my interest. So, less mythical sea creatures and more... real life. I couldn't sleep last night for obvious reasons." She took another swig of wine.

He nodded in understanding. "I guess I do the same thing," he replied.

"Yes, I know you meditate a lot about the Sasquatch, Mulder, but-" she laughed.

"No, no, not just that. Believe it or not, Scully, I am an actual living, breathing man," he laughed and she rolled her eyes. "I think about things that I want. I think about the future. I- I couldn't sleep last night either."

She looked at him, an unreadable expression on her face. "Why's that?"

He paused to form his words correctly and he felt his mouth go dry again.

"I just really wanted this to happen for you."

The lighthearted atmosphere became the familiar, heavy one they felt earlier in the day. They were both remembering what they were trying to escape tonight.

I’m sorry, Dana, but the results came back negative. You are not pregnant.

Scully could hear the words in her head. But she felt Mulder’s empathy, that he was feeling a similar pain. She realized that he lost something too; even if it was unspoken between them, she knew he saw it too. A future.

His words made her smile softly. She looked at him with a tenderness in her eyes he had only seen a handful of times. He saw it in her while she was fighting cancer, while she talked to Emily, while she was informing him of a death of a good friend, when his mother died... and now recently, through the IVF process, he had been seeing more often.

"We're still hoping, right?" He asked, giving her a tender smile.

Scully didn't answer with words. Instead, she set her wine glass on the coffee table and put her arms around him. Her head fell into his chest and they both breathed deeply.

Because of the awkward position of their legs, he decided to lean back and lay down, resting his head on a throw pillow. She accepted his gesture to lay down, remaining in the same position on his chest taking more deep breaths as she remembered the day allover again. He stroked some hair away from her face as his other arm was wrapped tightly around her.

They laid like that for a while, watching the old black and white movie which was full of music and dancing. He waited for her to speak, and if she didn't say anything, he wouldn't mind falling asleep here. Like this.

"Mulder?" Her groggy voice asked. She looked up at him and he hummed in response. "Have you ever felt like there's more? Not... in the universe. But more for you, in this life, in your life. Have you thought of having a family before? Not that it's for everybody."

He continued to gently stroke her hair and replied, "Of course I have, Scully."

Scully nodded in understanding. She didn't resent him for his freedom to start a family if he wanted to; She just wished he could see the joy of it.

There was a pause before Scully started, "At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a family, but after years of traveling, seeing unimaginable things, going through some of the hardest situations of my life... I think at some point, I realized that what I really wanted was one of the most attainable things in the modern world. I can't explain it. Somehow it was the only thing that could be enough for me." She paused for a beat to look up at him. "Do you ever feel that way?"

Mulder met her eyes and rested his thumb on her cheek. He got lost in her gaze for a moment and replied, "I think I'm starting to."

He thought for a moment.

"I think after finding out what happened to my sister, I've started to see things differently. I've accepted the freedom given to me, but it feels emptier than I thought it would."

Finally, she felt a sense of unity between them. Like for the first time, they were on the same page.

Scully then propped herself up on his chest to meet his level and Mulder's arm remained wrapped tightly around her.

She evaluated their position: his arm gripping her waist, her hand on his chest, the smell of wine on his warm breath. This made her heart start thumping a little faster.

An actress in the movie they were watching started singing a song, a romantic song about moonlight and longing. The song seemed to engulf the room, and it was the only thing Scully could hear besides the blood in her ears.

He looked good tonight. Really good. The kitchen light made his features look warm and inviting. His eyes scanned her face, a soft smile appearing on his lips, and she knew she looked quite beautiful herself. She felt beautiful.

Scully then realized she had been staring a little too long without saying anything, and he gave her a subtle squeeze at her hip which reminded her he was actually there.

All this time, they've kept each other at a comfortable distance; seven long years of emotional cushion room, but closing the gap just enough to sneak longing looks and hold hands in the dark.

They could say it's their careers, or they're different people, or they have different desires. But mostly, and they both knew this, it was a shared fear of rejection - that being alone was better than searching for acceptance from someone other than themselves. And they could tell themselves it was enough for them, remaining people who keep each other at a comfortable distance, or they could give in and take a risk for something more.

Mulder swallowed and felt his heart begin to race. He couldn't believe how gorgeous she looked in low light, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her in closer. She was looking at him, almost a drunken haze in her eyes, except she'd only had a glass and a half. Her eyes were bluer than he's ever seen them, and her hair had fallen to frame her face beautifully. Everything was adding onto the emotions clouding his brain - her chest breathing against him, his thumb stroking a bit of bare skin at her hip, their stolen glances at each other's lips...

"Mulder..." she began, her voice hushed and her eyes scanning his face. "...Why are we choosing to be alone?"

Mulder processed her question for a moment. He was tucking some hair behind her ear when he noticed her cheeks were red. He wasn't sure if she was flushed from the wine, or if she was nervous to ask her question. He left his hand resting on her jaw.

If his mouth was dry before, it was a desert now. He was trying to read her face, to predict what would happen next, but only his answer would determine that. He could swear she was inching closer towards him, but it may just be the gravitational pull he felt tugging him to her.

"Are you saying... we have a choice?" He asked quietly, not-so-discreetly staring at her lips now.

She was looking at him in a way that made him dizzy. He couldn't tell if the buzz was from the glass of wine he drank or the way she was making him feel. She, too, seemed to be transfixed on his mouth now.

Scully nodded yes.

He had to remind himself to breathe.

"I-uh-.." He started to form a reply when Scully leaned in closer, not breaking her gaze from his lips. She hovered there, waiting for him to respond.

"Scully.." he said, his breath brushing her lips.

She was too hesitant of her actions, so Mulder reassured her by responding quickly. He pulled her in with the hand that was cupping her cheek, finally placing his lips onto hers. It suddenly felt like a curse broke inside both of them and each one of their fears were fleeing with every second. This kiss wasn't like they had shared for a brief moment at New Year's, this one was urgent and freeing.

His hands wove themselves in her hair, while hers clung to the nape of his neck. Their lips moved at a steady pace, only breaking away to change angles.  The hand that gripped her waist was now trailing up and down her back, catching some bare skin every now and then as her shirt rode up. They couldn't count the seconds, or the minutes, or tell how long the movie had been over since this kiss had started, but Mulder knew he didn't want it to end.

Without breaking their kiss, Scully lifted herself up and put her legs on either side of him, now straddling his waist. It gave him a bit of sobriety as to where things were heading for them tonight, so he slowly broke away. Both of his thumbs were stroking her cheeks now, him and Scully breathing heavy against each other. She was looking at him in a way he had never seen and that made his stomach stir with excitement.

"Scully, I'm-"

"I don't want you to go home tonight," she interjected firmly.

He nodded in understanding, and smiled to tell her that's what he wanted too.

***

Moonlight peered in, leaving bright lines across both of their bodies. The room was still and quiet as they laid there together, Scully softly playing with Mulder's fingers. He held her from behind, and she fit perfectly into his embrace.

"I'm glad I stayed," he hummed softly into her ear. It made her shiver a little bit.

“I’m sorry I ruined your Friday night plans,” She joked.  

“Good one.” He kissed her shoulder gently and breathed her in.

"What's work gonna be like on Monday?" She asked.

"Scully..." He groaned.

"I'm just asking, Mulder," she exclaimed, her voice sounding defensive. "We need to discuss things so they won't become problems later."

"It's going be like working, Scully, but now we have this cool secret that everyone already assumes of us anyway," he said, a touch of sarcasm in his tone. "Don't worry. Just sleep."

His arms felt warm on her belly, which in turn made her feel safe. Mulder smiled as he held her even closer.

[treasure7boys]

Sunny Summer || Park Jihoon

♡♡♡♡

Type: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 4.7K (Lol, I got really carried away)

Warning: Cursing, mature-ish themes (lol, not really) [Not Edited]

Description: You've matured since the last time Jihoon saw you ... and he's not the only one who's noticed

♡♡♡♡

Honestly, the thought of spending every summer in Jeju with your family wasn't exactly ideal. You wanted to spend the summer with your friends, not on an island where you knew almost no one. Still, you had one saving grace: Park Jihoon. The Park family was close friends with your own, so they had been staying at the same beach house with you since you were seven years old. Jihoon was the same age as you, so you naturally became close friends.

Your families both lived in Seoul, but you never really hung out with Jihoon unless it was some holiday or celebration and his family was over. As you senior year came to an end, you realized you hadn't seen Jihoon at all since that summer. It wasn't surprising, though, since you were both busy with studying for entrance exams and whatnot.

“He's going to be so surprised with how beautiful you've become,” your mother smiled as your plane landed in Jeju, stroking your hair lovingly.

You blushed, feeling embarrassed by the compliment. “It's not like I've changed that much,” you told her.

That wasn't necessarily true, however, you were just being humble. In all honesty, puberty did finally hit and it was kind to you. The boyish figure you once had finally had some shape to it. Your chest was still on the flatter side, but you couldn't have it all. Your braces were also removed and your now straight smile was beautiful. It was the little things that changed that made you look even prettier.

Your heart pounded like a drum as you neared the familiar beach house, which was basically your second home at that point. At first, you hadn't anticipated anything, but, after your mother's comment, you were wondering if this summer would be different.

“You're here!” Mrs. Park shouted as she rushed down the sandy steps of the beach house and to your mother, tightly hugging her. “Jihoon! Hurry to help with bags!”

Your own father hugged Mrs. Park and then Mr. Park, who was chuckling at how excited his wife was. “She's been waiting at the window for you guys,” he informed you all, making you smile fondly.

Mrs. Park turned to you. “Look how much you've grown in the past year! You're even more gorgeous, Y/N!”

Again, you blushed as you thanked her but politely said you looked the same. You watched as Jihoon appeared and they disappeared, always leaving the two of you to unload the rental car. “What happened to your face?” Jihoon asked as he opened the trunk.

You scowled, already knowing this summer would be like every other one. “Gee, thanks for that confidence boost,” you said, rolling your eyes.

He smiled and shook his head. “That's not what I meant. You just look different.” He inspected you and you felt like a bug under a microscope. “You got your braces off, huh?”

Nodding, you flashed him a smile. “You did, too. You look good.” The two of you embraced tightly before turning to the bags. “Are Junkyu and Yoonbin here yet?”

He nodded. “Yoonbin got here two days ago and Junkyu last night,” he informed you. “There's a party on the beach thrown by some college kids and Yoonbin managed to get us an invite.”

“Sounds cool,” you said, but you weren't sure how you felt. You had never been to a college party or any party for that matter. You liked to stay in bed where it was warm and safe, eating snacks and watching movies. Still, maybe you might like the party scene.

After unloading everything and putting the bags in your respective rooms, you put your swimsuit on, some shorts and a tank top, and then joined Jihoon downstairs to meet Junkyu and Yoonbin for a swim.

“What happened to you?” Junkyu asked, his eyebrows furrowing the moment he laid eyes on you.

You scoffed in disbelief, “Did I get so ugly over the span of one year?”

Yoonbin smiled. “I think he's talking about that giant bruise on your knee,” he commented.

“No, I'm talking about how my little brother, Y/N, is now my sister,” Junkyu said. “When did you get a figure?”

You shoved him aside, going to set your towel down. “Shut up,” you huffed.

“Wait, who called you ugly?” Yoonbin asked.

Junkyu nodded. “Yeah! I'll fight him for you!”

You glanced at Jihoon. “I didn't call you ugly!” he exclaimed. “I just couldn't figure out what about you changed.”

Letting out a laugh, you jumped up to your feet and threw an arm around him. “I know, I know! I just like to give you a hard time,” you teased. “Now, let's get in the water. It's so hot out.”

As you removed your shirt and shorts, you watched the boys rush into the water. Every year before, you had worn a one-piece swimsuit. That year, however, you wore your first bikini. With your new figure, your friend had somehow convinced you to show it off. You felt slightly self-conscious, but you knew you just had to fake it until you make it.

After some swimming and goofing off, you finally decided you wanted to dry off and enjoy the warm sun. The boys agreed but already planned on playing some volleyball with a beach ball in a little bit.

“Yeah, I fell down the stairs because I was so excited after finding out I got accepted into one of my top three universities,” you told Yoonbin, explaining why your knee was bruised. “I'm just glad I didn't break it.”

He laughed, “I'm surprised you didn't.”

“I'll have the whole house to myself for two nights, so we can have our own mini party,” Junkyu said to Jihoon. You didn't hear the whole conversation because you and Yoonbin had just tuned in.

You looked at Jihoon. “You're gonna leave me alone for two nights with just our parents?” you asked him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Junkyu cut him off. “You can come, too. I don't think your parents would mind. What would even happen?”

Yoonbin nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we're all like siblings,” he added.

“Good point. I'll ask, but I'm sure they'll be fine with it,” you said. Your eyes wandered towards three guys passing by. Your jaw just about dropped. “That guy is so hot.”

They looked to see who you were drooling over. “Yugyeom-hyung?” Jihoon questioned. “The guy we've known since we were kids?”

You shook your head, “No, the one in the middle.”

“His name is Eunwoo, this summer's heartthrob,” Junkyu told you. “All the girls are talking about him and he just got here.”

Eunwoo looked over, seeing you staring. He sent you a sweet smile before turning away. “Well, you've certainly got his attention,” Yoonbin smirked, standing up to go play volleyball.

“I'm in love,” you said. “What I wouldn't give to have even just two minutes in heaven with him.”

You felt something hit your head. It didn't hurt, but sometimes you liked to be dramatic. “Ouch! What the heck?!”

Jihoon looked at you as he picked up the beach ball he had just hit you with. “Stop drooling over him and come play,” he said.

Scowling, you stood up and joined Junkyu on the other side of the net.

♡♡♡♡

“Hurry up, Y/N! Before I'm old!” Jihoon called to you somewhat jokingly, waiting on the porch of the beach house.

You hurriedly slipped your bracelet onto your wrist before jogging down the stairs. “Well, don't you look gorgeous,” your mother smiled, lovingly smoothing down your hair.

You were wearing a skirt and top set. They were both red with white flowers on them. The top was a crop top with sleeves that wrapped around your upper arm, showing off both your stomach and shoulders. You had bought it on a whim hoping it would look good and maybe you could try and find a style that you really liked. Hopefully your mother was right and you looked gorgeous.

“Watch after Jihoon, yeah? Now that you guys can drink, he thinks he's a pro,” Mrs. Park snickered.

Smiling, you nodded. “Of course,” you told her. “I'm not planning on drinking much or at all in order to keep an eye on the three of them.”

“That's my girl,” your mother smiled. You quickly put your sandals on and then joined Jihoon outside.

He looked at you and stopped swaying, inspecting you. It felt like he stared at you forever until he finally said, “You look nice, now let's go before Junkyu gets impatient.”

You nodded, joining his side as you walked down the beach and to the house. Honestly, you weren't sure whose house or party it was, but you didn't really care.

“That's a cute outfit,” a girl told you. You were pretty sure her name was Herin.

“Thanks,” you said, smiling at her. She ended up spending a lot of the night with you and the boys. It turned out it was her first summer there, just a whim on her parent's end.

Junkyu's eyes wandered and spotted Eunwoo standing near the cooler. “Look, Y/N, your boyfriend is here,” he teased.

You looked over, blushing slightly when you saw Eunwoo. “He's totally yummy,” Herin said.

That made you smile. You could never really talk about guys on a real level with the three boys. “Thank you!” you exclaimed, turning back to look at Eunwoo. “He's seriously gorgeous.”

Her arm looped with your own, “Come on, let's go refill our drinks.”

The two of you quickly left, going over to the cooler where Eunwoo was with another tall, handsome boy. He spotted you and Herin before smiling. “Hi,” he spoke, his voice as beautiful and angelic as himself. “You're Y/N, right?”

The fact that he knew your name made your mind go blank and insides become mush. “Y-yeah,” you managed out, feeling Herin lightly squeeze your arm. You didn't care if Yugyeom had told him your name, you were just happy he had remembered.

Jihoon watched on with Yoonbin and Junkyu. “What could they possibly be talking about?” Jihoon scoffed. “They probably have nothing in common.”

Yoonbin smirked. “Jihoon, your jealousy is showing,” he said in a sing-song tone. “If you want to date Y/N so badly, then tell her how you feel. You won't get anywhere by not saying anything.”

That made Junkyu laugh but nod in agreement. Once again, Jihoon scoffed, but much more dramatically as he took another gulp of his beer. “Jealous? No way!”

“Come on, you've glared at any guy who stared at Y/N too long. An appreciative glance her way equals a glare from you,” Junkyu said. “Admit it, Y/N finally grew up during senior year and tons of guys have noticed. You're so used to her always being with you and us, so you're bothered that she has a thing for that Eunwoo guy and vice-versa.”

Jihoon was upset at the fact that he was so transparent to his two friends and the fact that they were right. He didn't want to be jealous, but he couldn't help it. You were practically his best friend and he was so used to having you around him almost at all times. Seeing you making new friends and spreading your wings bothered him because he feared you leave him and he hated that.

You were so caught up in your conversation with Eunwoo that you hadn't noticed Herin and Mingyu totally hitting it off. Eunwoo was really nice, sweet, and handsome, but he wasn't very funny. In fact, he was kind of awkward. Still, you enjoyed his company enough and he enjoyed yours, but it was obvious to both of you that things would never turn romantic.

In all that time, you completely forgot about Jihoon, Junkyu, and Yoonbin. You felt really guilty since the summer was for them, but you were sure you'd see them plenty during university and were hoping you guys would start hanging out in Seoul. “I really had a nice time talking with you, but I think I should go find my friends and make sure they're not doing something stupid,” you told Eunwoo.

He smiled and nodded. “It was nice meeting you, Y/N. I hope we can talk again soon,” he said.

Herin sent you a look, one that clearly asked if you wanted her to go with you. You slightly shook your head, wanting her to spend more time with Mingyu. Without another word or silent communication, you left.

“There you are!” you exclaimed when you finally found Jihoon. He was alone in one of the bedrooms, sitting at the foot of the bed with his arms wrapped around a pillow. “I've been looking for you everywhere! Where are Yoonbin and Junkyu?”

Jihoon didn't respond right away and you watched his head bob up and down slightly. That was when you realized he was drunk. He reeked of alcohol. “Y/N! There you are!” he exclaimed, his words only slightly slurred, which was surprising.

You giggled but felt bad for not watching out for him and stopping him from drinking too much. “Come on, let's go find Junkyu and Yoonbin and then get you to bed.”

Grabbing his hands, you struggled to help him to his feet. You threw the pillow back onto the bed and lightly slapped Jihoon's face to wake him up. “Why didn't you hang out with me tonight? This is our time, Y/N. All these guys are suddenly talking to you because you're so hot and you have no time for me.”

Then, without any warning, he kissed you. It wasn't a long kiss, but longer than expected. When he pulled away, his head fell on your shoulder. “Holy shit,” Yoonbin's voice said. You hadn't even noticed him and Junkyu.

“We never speak of this,” you say and they nod. “Come on, help me get him home.”

It was kind of a struggle, but you guys eventually got him on Junkyu's back and then home. You were relieved your parents weren't awake because you didn't want Jihoon to do something dumb.

Before Jihoon fell asleep, you made him eat something and drink water.

♡♡♡♡

“I did what?!” Jihoon shrieked, rubbing at his temples right after. His headache had gone down a great deal, but not completely. “No, there's no way. Did I do anything else?”

Yoonbin nodded, “You called her hot.”

That made him groan and bury his head in his hands. You had gone to get ice cream with Herin and he was sure you were telling her what happened. The two of you had only just met but he could tell you hit it off and finally had a girl to confide in.

“How bad is this? Like, have I made things totally awkward or will Y/N and I be okay?”

Silence took over as the three boys thought about this. “Honestly, I think Y/N just chalked it up to a drunken mistake on your part,” Junkyu confessed. “Knowing Y/N, she'll pretend it never happened.”

Jihoon didn't know how he felt about that. On one hand, he wished it had never happened, so pretending it didn't was the next best thing. On the other, all he wanted to do was talk about it with you. He couldn't just leave the situation up in the air, could he? This was why he never wanted to confess his feelings to you. When feelings got involved, things only got complicated.

The front door opened and Jihoon wondered if it was your guys’ parents coming back from whatever thing they had planned to do in town. “I'm back!” you called out, shutting the door behind you. You went upstairs and found the three boys in Jihoon's room. “Feeling better?”

Jihoon swallowed hard as he nodded. Things felt weird but he knew that was only on his end. “How was ice cream with Herin?” Junkyu asked, trying to ease the awkwardness caused by Jihoon.

You sat down next to Jihoon. You were close, closer than he expected. He felt like he couldn't breathe properly. “Good. We ran into Eunwoo-oppa and Mingyu-oppa. I think Herin and Mingyu-oppa are really hitting it off.”

Oppa? You were calling Eunwoo that already? The two of you just met! Were you really already that close? It made Jihoon feel upset and jealous and he hated that. He didn't want to be that guy, but he couldn't help it.

“What about you and Eunwoo?” Yoonbin asked. Jihoon looked at him, wondering why he'd ask that. Was he trying to make Jihoon even more jealous? Or was it just to get some clarity. Maybe both.

You shrugged. “I don't know. He's really nice, but I don't think it'll go anywhere,” you confessed, making Jihoon feel relieved. You looked at him and then grabbed his chin gently between your thumb and index finger. “Are you sure you're feeling better? You look flushed.”

Probably because he was. He wasn't sure how he looked, but he was freaking out on the inside. His heart was beating like a drum and he thought he would combust any second from your touch.

“I-I'm fine, just a little hot,” he finally said, cringing at his word choice.

Nodding slowly, you said, “Okay. Let's all watch a movie together. I'll meet you guys down there.”

They watched you leave before Junkyu hit Jihoon's arm. “Are you trying to make it awkward?!” he exclaimed. “Y/N was acting completely normal but you were acting like you two just met!”

“I know! I'm sorry!” Jihoon exclaimed. “I just can't help it. Even though I don't remember the kiss, I still feel like it only made me like her more. Now that I've crossed that line of friendship, it's hard to be just friends.”

Yoonbin sighed, “Then either talk to Y/N or get over it. This summer will be painful if you keep acting this way.”

That night, Jihoon couldn't sleep. He just laid in bed staring up at his ceiling, listening to the soft, low hum of the fan he had on his dresser. Earlier at dinner, he spazzed out when you got too close to grab some more rice and he ended up spilling soda all over you. He was sure his mother noticed he was acting weird and was thankful she didn't say anything … yet.

Normal. He just wanted things to be normal again. Checking the clock, he saw that midnight was just a few minutes away. With a smile on his face, he threw his covers off and went to your bedroom. You were sound asleep and he felt guilty waking you up, but only a little.

“Y/N, wake up,” he said softly, shaking you gently. You woke up fairly quickly.

Rubbing at your eyes, you whined, “What are you doing?”

“Come on, let's go for a midnight swim.”

That made you smile. A midnight swim was a tradition for you and Jihoon. The first midnight swim always occurred within the first week of summer to mark its official start. Midnight swims were sacred for the two of you because they were just yours. No parents, no Junkyu, and no Yoonbin. It was your time with each other, so it was special.

“Okay, let me just change.”

He shook his head as you climbed out of bed. “No time! We'll just swim in our clothes!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone. Without another word, he grabbed your hand and pulled you along with him.

The two of you were panting slightly as you stood on the beach near the water. The night was quiet and no one else was out, which was kind of surprising. “Um, Jihoon?” you questioned, finally able to get a word in. He hummed in response, his eyes taking in the waves in the moonlight. “I'm not wearing pants.”

His eyes immediately went to your legs, realizing you were only in a T-shirt and underwear. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, peeling his eyes away. “I shouldn't have just pulled you out of there like that or looked at you.”

That made you giggle and he was kind of confused. “It's fine. It was basically an invitation for you to look.”

“Well, we can just swim in our underwear? It's like swimwear anyway.”

You both knew that wasn't completely true. Underwear was more intimate than swimwear, which was why they were called “intimates”. Still, you didn't say anything and nodded instead. Jihoon was quick to strip and remove his shirt and sweatpants. He waited nervously as you removed your shirt.

“You can look at me, Jihoon. I won't think you're a pervert or anything,” you said. He nodded and looked at you, trying his best to not check you out. You held out your hand. “Come on, let's go.”

He took your hand and then the two of you ran into the water. For the next half hour or so, you just swam and talked. Things felt normal for the first time all day. Maybe things didn't have to return to normal, though. Things had changed, clearly, but maybe it wasn't bad. Maybe things could change to a new kind of normal.

“Summer has officially begun,” Jihoon grunted softly as he sat down on the porch of the house. Content smiles were on both of your faces.

You sighed happily. “I thought it was going to be like any other summer, but it feels different. It feels like something big will happen.”

You sounded wistful; like you hoped it would be different. “Are you talking about the kiss?”

Jihoon couldn't believe he blurted that out. All he wanted to do was disappear, but he couldn't. “That kiss didn't mean anything, Jihoon. I mean, you were just drunk and upset,” you said. “We can't like each other, either, right? We just wouldn't work. I mean, me with you?”

What was that supposed to mean? “Yeah, you're right. We wouldn't work,” Jihoon said, getting worked up because he was upset. “I'm not good enough for you, right? I can't compare to Eunwoo. He's gorgeous, tall, and x, y, and z. Why would you want me when you could have him?”

You opened your mouth to talk, but Jihoon was already storming inside.

♡♡♡♡

“Where's Jihoon?” your mother asked, joining you on the porch the next afternoon.

You shrugged, “Probably with Junkyu or Yoonbin. I don't know.”

She sat down next to you. “Interesting.”

Letting out a small sigh, you bookmarked your page and set your book down. It was obvious your mother knew something was going on between you and Jihoon and wanted answers. “We got into a fight last night, okay?”

Clearly, you were upset. “What happened? Come on, vent to Momma,” she said, making you smile a bit.

“At that party the other night, he got really drunk and kissed me. I was gonna act like it hadn't happened for the rest of my life since I thought it was just a drunken kiss, but I think it meant more to Jihoon than I thought,” you confessed to her. “He brought it up last night and then stormed off looking upset. I was just flustered and couldn't stop talking, so I think there was some misunderstanding. I've tried to clear things up, but he's avoiding me, ignoring my calls and texts, and even hangs up Yoonbin and Junkyu's phones when I call them.”

She smiled, soothingly stroking your hair. “He's just upset. Give him time to cool off and I'm sure he'll be open to talking again. Jihoon could never stay mad at you.” You nodded, hoping she was right. “The more important thing is if you like Jihoon back. From what I can tell, he likes you but is jealous of other guys, especially Eunwoo.”

You had no idea how she knew about Eunwoo and could only assume she had eavesdropped when you were on the phone with Herin earlier. “Eunwoo is nice and everything, but he's a little dull and awkward. I really like Jihoon. He's like my best friend. He understands me so well and everything about him is great. I think I've always liked him but I've wanted things to stay normal.”

“Well, sometimes normal has to change and become a new normal. Don't let ideas like that keep you from being happy, sweetie,” she told you. She made a really good point.

You smiled at her, “Thanks, Mom. I really needed this.”

“Of course, kiddo.”

She went back inside and you picked your book back up, feeling better than you had all day.

That evening, you had been so prepared to talk to Jihoon, but he didn't come home. You had forgotten Junkyu was going to have his house to himself, so Jihoon was staying over along with Yoonbin. Junkyu had invited you, but you felt awkward to just show up after a whole day of avoiding each other. You decided to just stay at home with all the parents. It was weird since Jihoon and you were almost always together, but it really helped you to realize just how much Jihoon meant to you.

You couldn't sleep that night. It was so weird that the whole day passed without you and Jihoon talking. It made you feel weird and unsettled. Instead of just laying in bed, you went downstairs for ice cream. When you got down there, you just about had a heart attack when you saw Jihoon sitting at the table.

“What are you doing here?!” you exclaimed in a hushed tone, a hand over your pounding heart. “I almost peed my pants!”

That made the corners of his mouth twitch slightly. “I couldn't sleep, so I left Junkyu's,” he told you. You nodded, feeling awkward. “Okay, that's not the complete truth. I felt really guilty for ignoring you all day and couldn't sleep. I came here to talk to you, but I chickened out and have been sitting here trying to give myself the confidence for the past 10 minutes.”

“You didn't have to chicken out. I've been trying to talk to you all day.”

He nodded. “I know, but I was hurt and upset.”

“That's why I was trying to talk to you. It was a misunderstanding, Jihoon. I was just talking without thinking because I like you, too. Eunwoo-oppa is just a friend. He may be good looking and stuff, but he doesn't begin to compare to you,” you confessed. “You're my best friend, Jihoon, and you'll always be my number one. I never told you this because I was afraid of things changing, but I shouldn't be. Change is good and that's how a new normal can come about.”

He finally cracked a smile. “God, I'm an idiot,” he said softly. He was going to say something else but shut his mouth when you used your finger to angle his head and kiss him.

It was awkward since he was sitting and you were standing, but he was quick to pull you down onto his lap. The kiss spoke more than actual words. You knew he wanted you and vice-versa. You guys loved each other and didn't have to be afraid anymore. The kiss was filled with passion as your lips moved in sync and tongues explored. It probably wouldn't have escalated from there, but you would never know. The kiss was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a camera. You turned and saw both of your mother's.

Letting out a small yelp, you threw yourself off Jihoon. In the process, you tripped over your own foot and fell on your back. “You guys are so embarrassing!” Jihoon cried out as he quickly helped you up.

“Hey! Let us be happy!” his mother exclaimed. “Do you know how long we've waited for this? We've been wanting you two to end up together since you were kids.”

You sighed. “You got your wish, happy?” you asked. They nodded and you shook your head slightly. “We're going to bed, now, so goodnight.”

All of you went to your respective rooms. You pecked Jihoon's lips one last time before turning to go to your room. Jihoon grabbed your wrist and spun you around, crashing his lips onto your own. Once again, you got distracted and lost in the kiss.

“Sleep well, Y/N,” he said softly as you went to your room, making your insides melt.

You both shut your doors and let out dreamy sighs before climbing into bed, ready for whatever the rest of the summer had in store for you guys.