#idk what i'll do when they hit 1 year probably cry

[rainy-day-wizard]

hey guys, only two days from spiderbit's 11 month anniversary :,) i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm normal im great guys

[jeonqkooks]

our beloved summer | jjk (7.5) (m.)

You made a vow to hate Jeon Jungkook ever since he packed up and left you without a single explanation, but when he shows up at your door after years of radio silence, it turns out that maybe your resolve isn’t as strong as you thought.

pairing: producer!jungkook x songwriter!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: exes au, fluff, Angst, smut; THE REASON™️, crying because obviously there's gonna be crying, mentions of hobi leaving :(, cursing, uhm she hits him; kissing (well, of course 😂), br*ast play, t*tty s*cking, oral s*x (f. receiving), f*ngering, unprotected s*x, r*ding, cr*ampie, uhm idk i think that's it word count: 6.9k (poetic, i know) note (1): holy fucking shit i am literally shaking like a chihuahua as i'm writing this a/n. what the hell it's finally here. we've been waiting for this for almost a year and a half. TREMENDOUS thanks to Jo @daechwitatamic, Ari @/wintaerbaer (edited 2024: crossed out but not removed bc even tho she plagiarized obs afterward, she did beta this for me so i guess i still gotta give her that lmfao), and Jazz @jeonwiixard for beta-ing this for me and for reassuring me that it's not a load of crap (probably) and especially Jo for telling me if i back out she'll come kick me. frick! gaaaah. okay i'm gonna let you read or i'll go out of my mind

series masterpost / playlist ; moodboards ; taglist

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

I want you to smile, to feel like enough 'Cause you deserve yellow and lions and love I hope you come back when you're doing well Forgive me for being the worst of myself

New Recording 28 - Chelsea Cutler

The second the door is closed, his mouth is on yours again. 

His hand on your waist, yours in his hair, it’s similar to how it was mere minutes ago, just the urgency has increased tenfold. You want his suit off as much as you want your dress on the floor.

Jungkook detaches from your lips to let you breathe as he cages you between his body and the door, but it’s not like you can focus very well on breathing when he starts kissing down your neck, sucking bruises into your skin. His hands travel south, one palm curving around your hips to grope your ass, the other settling on the back of your thigh to lift it up, opening your legs wider so he could better slot in between them. With your leg lifted, it makes the slit in your dress ride up, exposing your core to the cool air of the room. You can feel his growing bulge pressed against you, right over your panties. 

You whimper his name when he sucks on the sweet spot on your neck, his hips grinding against you slowly.

“Yeah?” You can hear the smirk in that one simple word and the honey that drips from his voice. “What is it?”

“Want you…”

“I’m right here,” Jungkook says. His slender fingers rub you over the pink lace that you’re wearing underneath your dress, teasing your opening through the fabric for a few beats before he pushes your panties aside. “Fuck, you’re so wet.”

His breath is hot on your neck. He presses his lips against your skin absentmindedly, the tip of his index circling you but not pushing inside just yet.

“Tell me you want me too,” you pant, your arm hooking around his neck to hold him close.

“I want you.”

Truth.

You pull him in for another bruising kiss before you blindly push him further into the room, your hands roaming the broad expanse of his clothed chest. He stops when the back of his knees hit the bed.

“Hey.” Jungkook breaks away from the kiss to look at you. “Are you sure?”

If Jimin knew what you’re doing right now, he’d say that you have zero self preservation instincts.

He’d be right, though. If you had any self preservation instincts, you wouldn’t be doing this.

Your stupid, battered heart has only ever wanted him.

“I’m sure,” comes your immediate reply. It’s desperate, but you don’t have it in yourself to even care. “I’m sure. I want this. Please.”

“You were drinking.”

“I’m not drunk. I promise.”

Maybe it’d be better if you were drunk. Then you could at least blame this lapse of judgment on a pathetic state of inebriation and not on your stupid self who’s always weak for him.

He stares at you for a minute, searching for any sign of your willingness being driven by alcohol. He seems relieved when he finds none, and it isn’t until then that he shrugs off his jacket, before helping you take off his dress shirt and trousers.

You haven’t seen him like this in so long.

Every defined line on his body, accentuating every detail that you could spend hours running your fingers over.

He looks different but at the same time, not really. A tad more muscular, but still the same lean frame. Hard chest and abs on full display for you. God, your fingers are fucking twitching with the need to touch him.

Once he’s been stripped down to his boxers, he leans down to kiss you before you stop him with a hand on his chest. The lone tiger lily on his arm catches your attention.

Your fingers reach out to trace the black ink on his body, the lines delicate, your touch feather light. You’re suddenly curious. When did he get it? You can’t remember if you two ever talked about getting tattoos.

“What does it mean?” you ask. It strikes you with the realization that this is just one of the thousands of things that you missed, a reminder of your lost time. 

“Please love me,” he says, bringing his hands up to cup your face. He looks at you, just for a few seconds, before clarifying, “It means ‘Please love me,’” then kissing you again.

Jungkook clumsily and blindly searches for the dress’ zipper on your back, giving it a few impatient tugs until it finally starts gliding down your body. Your lips never part from one another as the dress falls to the floor, pooling at your feet. But once you step out of it, he does pull back to look at you from head to toe. His eyes fall to your chest, clad in a lacy pink bra that matches your panties. The look he gives you is the same one that he did when he saw you in your dress earlier today. But there’s something else in his eyes - realization, pride, perhaps a question too.

His hands are back on your body instantly, throwing you onto the bed, crawling over you like a predator. He discards your bra with ease, flinging it to the floor with the rest of your clothes. You shiver when the chilly air meets your bare chest, but the sensation quickly goes away when he takes your breast into his warm mouth. You let out a delighted sigh, arching your back to push yourself further into him as his tongue flicks over your stiff nipple. One of his hands comes up to squeeze your other breast to make sure that it isn’t neglected, rolling your pebbled bud between his thumb and forefinger. He switches to sucking your other tit after a while, then pawing at the one he just had in his mouth.

“Jungkook,” you whine his name when he makes out with your tits for too long, because there’s somewhere else that desperately requires his immediate attention. “Need you…”

He releases your nipple with a wet pop, and he looks pleased with himself when he sees that they’re thoroughly glistening with his spit. “Sorry,” he says with a chuckle. “Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” He starts making his way down your body, kissing every inch of your skin that’s on display for him, before you put a hand on his shoulder when his face gets close to your thighs.

“What are you doing?”

He looks up at you as his fingers ghost over the fabric of your panties. “Can I?”

You lick your lips, contemplating whether or not you have the patience to wait for him. But alas, you decide, “Okay.”

Jungkook makes quick work of sliding your underwear down your legs and letting it join the pile on the floor. Even in the dim light, he can see just how wet you are, practically glittering with arousal, looking so utterly inviting that it makes his mouth water. All of this, just for him.

He doesn’t waste another second, diving right into you to lick a stripe up your dripping folds. Swiftly burying two fingers into your heat, he doesn’t stop until he’s knuckles deep. Your lips part in a silent but delighted moan. You forgot how good he used to make you feel. Your fingers could never feel as good as his, not thick enough to stretch yourself open and not long enough to reach deep inside of you.

“Fuck,” you drawl, your eyes fluttering shut when the tip of his tongue meets your throbbing clit, teasing it until you’re practically grinding against his face. You thread a hand into his hair, gripping his dark locks until he’s groaning, sending blissful vibrations all throughout your body. The figure 8’s that his tongue draws on your clit sets you alight, sends you into a whole other dimension completely as pleasure courses through your veins. 

“So good,” he mumbles. To you? To himself? You can’t tell, but that doesn’t really matter. “Still so good.”

You hear it, just how soaked you are, as he begins thrusting his digits in and out of you. He strokes your walls delicately with each press of his fingers, scissoring you open for what you know is to come. 

His tongue dips into your entrance then, teases your dripping hole as you pant heavily, 

Your legs close in on his head as the orgasm nears, but he keeps your thighs apart, firmly holding them open as he makes you unravel.

This is fucking unreal - Jungkook with his whole face tucked between your legs, desperate to make you come with his talented mouth. You never would have anticipated this when you woke up this morning.

No, just a while ago you were crying by yourself down at the beach. Now you’re crying out his name as he smothers himself in you.

Once he starts curling them inside of you, it’s embarrassing how fast you come. You clench hard around his fingers as the orgasm washes over you, dripping down his fingers and he uses the added wetness to carry you through the high.

“Jungkook…” you whimper, sounding completely fucked out even though it’s only just beginning. After a while, the heightened pleasure fades into the background, and he presses soft kisses against your inner thigh.

He crawls his way up your body until he’s facing you again. You watch his fingers and the way they’re coated in your juices, wondering what he’ll do with them next. Jungkook languidly smears the wetness all over your lips like he’s carefully painting them, only to kiss you afterward. When you moan against him, he takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. Your hand finds its way into his boxers then, wrapping your fingers around his hardened length, pumping him in your fist until he’s shallowly rutting against you.

The kiss gets broken when he suddenly pulls away, realization dawning on him. “Shit,” he exclaims. “I don’t have a condom.”

“Oh.” You blink at him, then you both just look at each other for a while. This isn’t a problem with no solution, even if the solution is a disastrous one in hindsight. You just want him, so badly that you can’t think of anything else.

He waits for you, doesn’t dare say anything else until you do.

Yet again, the opportunity presents itself for you to stop.

But you’ve already gone this far, and though it’s damn near impossible, you want him even more than you did before.

“Are you clean?” you ask.

It’s evident that he’s surprised by the way his eyes widen, and his silence that follows for the next half a minute. “Yeah,” he tells you.

“Okay. Then we don’t need a condom.”

He says your name once, his fingers brushing your hair away from your face sweetly. You always did like your name best when it used to fall from his lips so softly. “Are you sure?” he asks.

“I’m sure. I promise.”

Jungkook sucks in a breath, like he’s steadying himself, before he rids himself of the remaining piece of clothing on his body, then settles between your legs again. This time, his cock rests directly on your bare pussy. The anticipation makes it harder for you to breathe, makes you squeeze your thighs around his waist to not let him leave.

“How long has it been?”

Your answer is vague. “Too long,” you say. You don’t want to tell him that there’s been no one else since him, but you have a feeling that he understands it anyway. You think that he’d be pleased with your answer, that maybe it would boost his ego in a way, but there’s only a certain sadness that settles in his eyes. 

“Okay.” Regardless, he pushes past the sudden gloom that befalls his features, blinking away the disheartenment swimming in his irises, to align himself with your entrance. He rubs his cock against your pussy to coat you in his precum, even though you yourself are certainly more than wet enough for him to slide home easily. “Ready?”

“Yes,” you confirm, bracing your hands on his shoulders as he eases the tip into you, making the both of you moan at the contact. You feel him, all of him.

For a second, you wonder if he has ever forgone protection with anyone else, or if it’s only ever been just you.

Jungkook takes one of your hands off his shoulder to lay it flat on the bed next to your head, lacing your fingers together, giving your hand a slight squeeze. “Breathe. You can do it.”

“Give me a minute.”

“We’ve got time,” he says, his voice smooth like velvet.

“Can you kiss me?” you ask, almost like you’re shy even though he’s balls deep inside of you.

He chuckles lightly, so endeared by you and your silly question.

His lips meet yours sweetly, like doing so would help make the stretch less painful. Maybe it does, at least a little bit. 

You can feel his cock throbbing inside of you, and he’s probably trying so hard to hold back, but he keeps kissing you nonetheless.

“You can move,” you say after a while.

“I’ll go slow, okay?”

“Okay.”

He rears his hips back, slowly, then thrusts forward again. You whimper from the slight burn, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. His movements are gentle for the next couple of minutes or so, and it isn’t until you start opening up more that he sets a steadier pace. Even when he starts to fuck you faster, one of his hands is still on your hips, rubbing your skin soothingly. 

“Fuck,” Jungkook grunts out, followed by a sigh of your name as he pumps into your cunt, every ridge and vein of his cock dragging deliciously in and out of your walls. “You feel so good.”

He gazes down at you as he moves, and there’s just something so intimate about it that it makes you want to cry again.

You know what it’s like to have him fuck you, and this isn’t it.

No, this is something else entirely.

I love you, you think. I love you so fucking much.

“Missed you.” His words come out hushed, caught in half a moan, half a whimper. “Missed you so fucking much.”

“Did you think about me?”

“Always,” he says, without even missing a beat.

“No,” you clarify. “When you were sleeping with other people, did you think about me?”

“I only thought about you.” His hips stutter as he tells you this, like he’s confessing to something that he shouldn’t. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

You never admitted this to anyone, not even Taehyung even though he probably sensed it, but you used to feel like you could be physically sick just looking at the photos on his feed every time you’d lurk on a drunken night. They were never flashy, just subtle enough for you to know that there was someone. It made you nauseous, because the place next to him was always supposed to be yours.

You just stare at him, not knowing how to process this bit of information. Sure, it’s an ego boost. There’s some pride in knowing that you were the one on his mind even if you weren’t together.

He’s so utterly gorgeous like this that you can’t form a single coherent thought, too lost in the way his eyes bore into yours and in the blossoming warmth that spreads all over your chest from hearing his words.

How did he manage to get even more beautiful? Sculpted by the gods. The standard for all men.

“What is it?” he asks when you stare at him for too long.

“I…” You blink away the daze. “I wanna be on top.”

“Okay.”

Jungkook slips out of you just long enough to get seated with his back against the headboard and pull you into his lap. You hover over him, letting his tip rub against your dripping hole for a moment before you sink onto him. You tip your head back and sigh as you envelope him fully again, the only difference is that you can feel him so much deeper like this.

He grabs your ass with both hands, kneading your skin as he helps you ride him. The sounds that you make together are downright obscene, bouncing off the walls, ringing in your ears.

“Harder,” you tell him shakily. “Don’t wanna hurt you.”

“I want it to hurt,” you say, holding onto him like you’re bracing for impact, because you know he’ll give you what you want. “Make it hurt.”

Jungkook sighs once, then digs his heels into the mattress to steady himself before his hips go wild, thrusting into you with such force that it nearly has you sobbing, your head falling onto his shoulder. It makes you burn with pleasure, like a star before it becomes a supernova. When the tension starts building quickly, you can’t help but slam your hips down harder to meet his thrusts, to chase that high.

You press your lips against his skin, any spot you could find - his jaw, his neck, his shoulder. “Tell me you love me.”

The words are ready on the tip of his tongue, like he’s been waiting for an opportunity to say it. He doesn’t miss a single beat as he tells you, “I love you.”

“Mean it.”

“I do mean it. I love you.”

Truth.

For some sick and twisted reason, his words send you crashing over the edge, falling into that abyss of pleasure that you’ve been searching for. You say his name, over and over again, like you’re making up for all the years that he wasn’t around to hear it.

Your walls convulse wildly around him as you cry out, your toes curling, your thighs shaking. He holds you close, thrusting into you through your orgasm until you’re dizzy, like you could actually pass out from the overwhelming bliss.

“I’m close,” he tells you in a raspy voice.

You catch your breath long enough to say, “Come for me.”

“Where do you want it?”

“Inside,” you say without much thought. If you were in a clearer state of mind, you would know that it’s reckless and stupid. You’re not on birth control, and if anything were to happen, you would have no one to blame but yourself.

But you aren’t in a clear state of mind, and maybe this is even more dangerous than if you were fueled by alcohol. At least you can sober up from alcohol.

You just want him so badly that rationality seems like a luxury you can’t afford right now.

“Y/N,” he whispers shakily, though there’s a warning edge to his voice that you understand.

“I want you to come inside me. I want it. I want it so bad. Please.”

Jungkook groans at your answer. 

He doesn’t ask you to look at him, instead choosing to hide his face against your neck where you feel something wet glide down your skin as he grips your hips. It’s followed by a sniffle, and hands that hold onto you like you’re a lifeline. 

He’s crying, and that breaks your fucking heart.

You don’t know what to do. Part of you wants to tilt his chin up to look at you, because it feels strange without his tender gaze on you, but you decide against it even though the tips of your fingers tingle with the need to do so. 

Your walls clench with purpose, squeezing around him, trying to help you get there. It’s not that long before you hear your name falling from his lips in a choked out moan, so needy and beautiful and makes you nostalgic. He empties himself inside of you, making you shudder from the sudden warmth that he paints along your walls.

You stay in the same position for a few more minutes until your chest is no longer heaving with exhaustion and euphoria. He gently pulls you off his lap to lay you down on the bed, pressing an apologetic kiss against your bare shoulder when you wince from the oversensitivity, from any kind of movement at all. 

When he moves to throw on his boxers and goes to stand up, you reach for him. “Where are you going?” You instantly feel pathetic for asking.

He pauses, then squeezes your hand as that sadness from before makes an appearance in his eyes again. “I’m just going to the bathroom,” he tells you, his voice quiet.

The relief on your face must be visible. “Okay,” you say. Rationally, you know he probably wouldn’t fuck you and leave you the second the deed is done. But again, rationality is a luxury at the moment.

Jungkook returns a couple of minutes later with a warm cloth, and dabs it between your legs to clean you up. You grimace when he touches you there, evidently sore already from the activities you just engaged in.

“Sorry,” he’s quick to say, though it isn’t really his fault. Or maybe it is his fault. You’re not sure if that even matters.

When he’s done, he gets under the covers with you. “Come here,” he says, then shuffles your body closer to his until he’s holding you with his hands on your bare waist. He leans down to kiss you, and you let him. God, you feel like you’re fucking melting.

It’s different from the kiss down at the beach, and it’s different from the needy ones you shared in the past hour. It’s soft and slow and easy, like there’s nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about.

Jungkook breaks away eventually, and rests his forehead against yours then. One of his hands on your waist slides up to your ribs, until his thumb could brush the underside of your breast. The touch is gentle, sweet, completely innocent.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers. He means everything he tells you. “You’re perfect.”

You even blush, like you’re a stupid lovesick teenager. “Tell me,” you say.

“Anything.”

You reckon it’s self-indulgent at this point. You’re only asking to feel better about your place in his life, or rather, the place that used to be yours.

“Tell me you can’t live without me.”

He nudges his nose against yours. No hesitation. “I can’t live without you.”

Truth. You know it’s the truth.

Nonetheless… “Liar.” Your tone is soft. There’s no bite at all. You touch his face, trying to commit to memory every detail, how his soft skin feels under your touch as if it’s the last time you’ll ever get to see him like this. Maybe it is. You never got to have a last time with him, never got to know that it was ending before it already ended. You’re not thinking about the morning because you don’t want to, but the seed of anxiety is there in your belly. Your fingers trace his jawline as you say, “You lived without me. You were doing fine without me.”

His lips ghost over your cheek. “It wasn’t much of a life,” he says. “I couldn’t bear it without you.”

The thing is, you know that he’s being honest. And it should make you feel good that you affected him as much as he affected you.

But then… it keeps leading you back to that question. The question that you thought you could go the rest of your life without knowing the answer to. But for that to be possible, you needed him to stay gone, stay out of your world forever.

He shouldn’t be here, tangled up in the sheets with you and kissing you like his life depends on it. 

He shouldn’t tell you that he misses you, that he loves you. Shouldn’t tell you to please, love him too.

It’s contradictory, isn’t it? You needed to never see him again if you stood a chance of moving on with your life. You needed it and yet, all you wanted was to have him back by your side.

The tattoo catches your attention again. It feels like it’s laughing at you, mocking you.

You clench your teeth once, your eyes beginning to turn glassy. Jungkook sees it, and he’s quick to break up your train of thought. He presses his mouth to yours, shushing you with a deep kiss that makes your head spin, despite it all.

“Don’t think about it,” he mumbles against your lips, so desperate to get you to stop. As if he can sense where this could lead.

“How could I not? I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“You know me.” He holds onto your wrist, to keep your hand on his face before you can pull it away. “I’m still the same.”

“No, you’re not,” you say quietly, absentmindedly.

“Yes,” he insists. “Yes, I am.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe you do see the person you used to know. But you only ever see him in glimpses and it always leaves you with a terrible, nauseous feeling afterward.

He doesn’t understand how much it hurts you to catch glimpses of the boy you used to love - the boy you still love - only to realize that maybe that isn’t the person he wants to be anymore. It feels like he keeps trying to kill that version of himself, like he despises the person who meant the world to you.

Are you gone forever?

Come back quietly.

“How old are you?” you ask after a moment.

The question makes him pause, his soft features twisting in confusion. He leans back a bit, so his eyes could focus on your face better.

“What?”

“How old are you?” you repeat.

It takes him another while to answer as he tries to see where you’re going with this. But when his search comes up empty, he just answers, “29.”

"I don't know who you are at 29. The last time I knew you was 24. No. You hadn't even turned 24 yet. Where was 25? 26? 27? 28? It’s unfair that you still know who I am when I don't know who you are. I feel like I never aged a day past 24. You carried on living but I'm still here."

His eyes well up once again, but this time, you can see it. The first tear spills over, lands somewhere on your collarbone. This is what you used to want, right? To see him hurting, just like how you were hurting? Well, be careful what you wish for.

No part of you feels victorious that you’re making him cry, that the score is finally being settled, because none of this undoes all of the shit you had to go through. If anything, it makes you feel even worse, like you’re still losing.

“I never moved on from us. I couldn’t move on from you,” he says, voice cracking toward the end. Your heart is doing the same thing in your chest, but you’re glad that he can’t see it. “I swear I miss you every day. I wanted you with me every day. You have no idea how much I wanted to come back to you.”

Jungkook looks so dejected, like a reflection of you these past few years. You recognize that look in his eyes. You know that sadness all too well. He was in as much pain as you were.

He loved you when he left you. He still loves you even after all this time. 

You inhale shakily. For the first time, you feel infinitely selfish for only focusing on your own misery without even stopping to give him the benefit of the doubt, to consider the possibility that maybe letting you go wasn’t something he wanted. Maybe he isn’t the antagonist that you spent years making him out to be.

There’s more to it, and you need to know.

“Then why did you leave me?”

Graduation was just shy of a month ago, and two weeks before that was Hoseok’s flight when he left you all behind.

You and Jungkook, along with Taehyung and Jimin had gone to see him off at the airport. Of course you did, you were his best of friends after all. The goodbye was full of jokes accompanied by sniffles, and tears that overflowed without permission because you all agreed that you would hold yourself together for Hoseok. Jimin was probably the one who cried the most, even though inside, you were equally sad to see your friend leave.

A part of your life was ending, and that in and of itself was depressing enough already, but you thought at least the whole group would still be together and start the next chapter by each other’s side.

Nonetheless, it wasn’t the end of the world. All of you could still make it work, even if it wasn’t the most ideal of situations. You promised to keep in touch, promised to message the group chat every day and have video calls every weekend. You were still kids, and kids tend to be optimistic like that.

What none of you could see coming was how everything would fall apart in a matter of mere weeks.

Jungkook thinks that decades from now, when he’s old and gray and helpless, he still won’t be able to forget that day.

He should’ve been more concerned when your mother contacted him out of nowhere, asking him to meet with her, asking him not to let you know where he was going.

He’d shown up half an hour early to the cafe where they were supposed to meet, just because he didn’t want to risk being late and have your mother disapprove of him even more. Not once had she expressed anything other than disdain toward your relationship, but you’d always told him it didn’t matter, that you were the only person who could decide what to do with your life, not anyone else, let alone your mother. He always believed you back then, even if deep down, he still wanted her to see that he was enough for you. Her unattainable approval still mattered to him.

Jungkook spent thirty whole minutes running on nothing but anxiety and caffeine. That was probably his first mistake, ordering a cup of coffee which only made him more nervous than he already was.

When your mother arrived, it barely took her any time at all to get right into what she came here to say. She hadn’t even bothered with a drink.

Was that how it was always going to end? Should he have seen it coming from the beginning? Was he the only one who thought it would be you and him all the way until the very end?

Maybe he was more of a hopeless romantic than he thought.

It was the way she had called him a phase that she hoped you’d grow out of. That she had let you keep this relationship for long enough, but now that you’d graduated - now that you’d be starting a life for yourself - she couldn’t sit back and watch you throw it all away for a boy who could never give you what you deserved.

It was the way she told him she didn’t want history to repeat itself. How she didn’t want to subject you to the same fate that she and your father had to suffer through. How she had left your dad because in the end, he wasn’t enough for her and you, even though you were a child and you deserved to grow up with a father and with love.

She said the same thing would happen to you and Jungkook, because you were meant for greater things and he was not meant to deserve you. She made it clear that he would always hold you back, that he would never amount to even a fraction of what you should receive in life.

“If you love her, you would let her go.”

Cliché, right? Like the kind of stuff you only ever see in movies? Well, movies have to take inspiration from somewhere.

He thought about his own mother then, and about how people could have such different ways of showing love. He believed that your mother loved you, and he still believes that. She wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of seeing him if she didn’t care about you. She wanted the best for you, and that wasn’t him.

She didn’t have to tell him to keep it a secret from you, because he wouldn’t have told you regardless. He was well aware of how strained your relationship with your mother was, and letting you know would only drive it closer to the edge. She knew he wouldn’t tell you. He loved you, and that was the one thing that she could count on.

Just sitting there in that café, Jungkook felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room, even though he was surrounded by the other patrons and their lively laughter as they chatted away. The pitiful way that your mother kept looking at him forced him to learn what it was like to feel truly worthless.

The pity in her eyes only intensified when he couldn’t even say a single word in response, couldn’t think of anything to defend himself.

Silence meant agreement, and that was what he chose. Jungkook - the naive boy that he was - stopped believing in you. He’d believed her instead.

He was just a kid, what else was he supposed to do? 

She was your own flesh and blood, and he knew nothing could ever replace that. He would rather let you hate him, resent him for the rest of your life, than let you lose your family.

That day, he lied to you for the first time ever, saying he couldn’t come over because he was tired. The sunflowers he bought for you just hours prior ended up dying on his windowsill.

He wouldn’t see you again for a few more days, then for months afterward.

July was supposed to represent a blossoming summer, but all he could remember was the dreadful promise of a winter that would inevitably come.

You call his name when he takes too long to answer. “Tell me.”

“I love you,” he merely says. His hand brushes your cheek.

You frown, despite the way the three words make your chest tingle.

“I love you,” he says it again, trying to ease the furrow between your brows.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I’m sorry.”

His voice is soft, barely even audible, but it’s this gentleness that makes his words ricochet, ringing in your ears loudly like a gun going off in the quiet of your room.

Again with the apologies.

Fuck this.

It’s hard to take it to heart when you don’t even know what he’s apologizing for.

You gave Jungkook the chance to explain himself, but if he doesn’t take it, then that’s not on you. There isn’t much else that you can do.

You swallow hard, then shove him off of you so you could get out of the bed. Your legs instantly tremble as you attempt to stand, but you soldier on as you put on your bra and underwear, then grab your dress from where it lays abandoned on the floor. You’re shaking, but it’s difficult to determine if it’s because you’re angry, or cold without his warmth nearby.

He’s quick to his feet too, rushing toward you before you could leave.

“Don’t touch me,” you hiss when he reaches for your arm. He doesn’t listen, because when has Jeon Jungkook ever fucking listened?

“Y/N, wait-”

“Wait for what?! I asked you a simple question and you can’t even answer me.”

He runs a hand over his face frustratedly, clearly torn over something. He holds your angered gaze, but the way he looks at you is much milder, gentler even if it’s equally frustrated. “I’m trying to protect you.”

You don’t know if it’s the wrong answer or not. You just know that in this moment, it irritates you to no end.

“Oh my god,” you gasp mockingly. “Someone is trying to kill me.”

“What?”

“Someone is trying to kill me. Someone is waiting outside that door right now, waiting for me to come out so they can kill me. Holy fucking shit, I’m about to be assassinated.”

“Y/N, I’m serious.”

There’s that burning sensation behind your eyes again. “And you think I’m not? What do you mean you’re trying to protect me? Protect me from what? Do you think this is a fucking k-drama? Jesus Christ,” you scoff harshly. “What do you want from me? What the actual fuck do you want?”

Jungkook aims for you again, and in an attempt to ward him off, your swinging fist inadvertently collides with his chest. The dress falls to the floor again, laying next to your feet, that useless piece of fabric.

It probably doesn’t do much damage to him, but he’s a bit startled regardless. So are you, if you’re being honest. But you do it again, and surprisingly, he lets you.

“You coward.” You shove hard at his chest, making him stumble backward. “You unbelievable asshole. You fucked me, you said you loved me, and you still can’t tell me why you left me.” 

He allows you to push him until his back is pressed against the wall. And even then, you don’t relent. Your fists continue beating against his chest as you start sobbing, spilling ‘I hate you’s in between so many expletives it could make his grandmother faint.

He might bruise in the morning.

You hope he bruises in the morning.

The least Jungkook could do is bruise for you.

You want him to curse him out for so many things - for loving you, for leaving you, for not even having the balls to tell you why he broke your heart. For coming back to remind you that you still love him. For proving that he still has you in the palm of his hands, and every twitch of his finger can make you feel like the walls are crumbling down on you.

But even as you tell him how much you hate him, you’re still thinking: Come back. I don’t want to keep losing you. Come back to me.

Because he’s the only person who can hurt you like this. When you think about him, it used to make you so depressed that you could hardly function. There’s no other way to put it to make it sound less pathetic. That’s just how it is.

You shouldn’t have agreed to this weekend, shouldn’t have been nice to him, shouldn’t have let him convince you not to think about it. You shouldn’t have opened the door for him in the first place, because there was always a part of you that knew he could get under your skin so easily just like that.

This wasn’t your second chance at holding onto him. It wasn’t a do-over. It was a re-enactment.

The years haven’t made you wiser, that much is clear.

You don’t know how long this goes on for, but at some point, you begin to wear yourself out. Your movements start to slow and the energy to violently sob leaves your body until you’re nearly collapsing. Jungkook catches you when you don’t have the strength to hold yourself up anymore. Why are you always so fucking helpless?

“You just…” Your voice gets caught at the end of a sob. This is rock bottom all over again. “You make me so sad.”

You grasp his arm weakly, feeling like your own lungs are failing you. You can’t breathe. It’s too much, too infinitely humiliating. He’s doing this to you again, and this time you have to shoulder most of the blame, because you are the one that enabled your own heartbreak for the second time.

You’re still crying, and you hate that this is the first time he’s ever seen you cry like this.

“I’m trying to protect you,” he says firmly, looking at you like he’s trying so hard not to break down alongside you. “Please, I’m so sorry.” The words come out as a whisper now. You can feel the tremble in his voice and the shake of his hands where they hold you. His big bambi eyes - the usual home of constellations - now house tears that threaten to spill onto his supple cheeks. “Please. What can I do to make you believe me?”

It’s those stupid fucking eyes. It’s your stupid fucking self.

“You need to tell me.” Your tears keep on falling no matter how much he tries to wipe them away. “I can’t take it anymore.”

“It’ll make things worse,” he tells you, his voice cracking as he does. He sounds like he means it, and maybe he does believe that whatever he’s hiding from you will only hurt you more. It almost has you caving, but you can’t do this a second time. You’re exhausted, both physically and emotionally. In the morning, you’ll think about how this is all so dramatic, the way you’re acting right now. The most k-drama-esque thing that has ever happened to you. But in the moment, you just feel like someone plunged a knife in your chest, and they keep twisting it, twisting and twisting,...

In the end, you decide that it’s a risk you’ll have to take, because nothing can be more painful than the absolute hell he’s putting you through. He’ll never understand how utterly excruciating it is to experience this kind of heartbreak.

“If you don’t tell me now, I won’t be able to survive you again.”

up next...

our beloved summer (08) ⏤ aka the JK centric chapter

all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted september 30, 2023]

[msnihilist]

Person Who Has Never Watched the Reboot Decides to Liveblog Alien-X-Tinction

First scene and I already hate Max's voice. #NotMyGrandpa

idk what alternate universe this is yet, but I like 1) that Ben is sad :), and 2) that his Omnitrix looks like that??? It really sells the idea of a prototype 🥺

"resistance will only beget pain" — villain who is smart enough to know that Ben doesn't know what "beget" means

"you always try to interrupt" okay, ouch, I actually love that angst (I already know who the Alien X is and what he's been doing to alternate Bens (I'm only watching this because the Wiki page for the special was interesting to me), so this is lovely :3) Max always tries to save his grandson and he never succeeds </3

Side note: evil Celestialsapien is a cool idea, and I like that this one is taking a "hands on" approach. It's about the thrill of the hunt :) And loving making people suffer

"oh, no, not again" LMAO, the dimension-hopping Max sounds soooo mildly inconvenienced

WAIT, DID THE ALIEN X RIP OFF BEN'S ARM??? I can't tell what happened here?? Fuckin' kid's show censors 😭

Max's face when Ben hugs his grandpa…… I love suffering 🥺

"you'd think I'd be used to it all by now" coming from a man who lost his grandkids and tortures himself by watching it happen again and again in other timelines hurts so good 😭 😭 I also love that they let Max cry about it. It's a small thing and it only lasts a second, but in the Classic continuity, Ben only cried on screen TWICE, both when he was 10. Letting an aged man hurt like this without making a joke about it is good to see <3

Back in the Real Timeline, I guess, lmao. I love that Gwen is tied up and just looks so bored with the whole affair

GWEN'S VOICE?? #NOTMYGWEN (I like that Zombozo is voiced by Drakken, tho)

Hm. I kinda like this angle with Ben's frustration. He feels like he's not living up to his full potential as a hero because he always has Gwen and Max helping him. It's different from when Ben would get cocky in the OG, and I think it's an interesting point, too :p This blatantly isn't about being a hero, it's about the thrill, which is something that ten-year-old Ben consistently struggled with

Still hate reboot Heatblast, but whatever

I definitely don't like how the fights are animated? It feels... slow. And I get part of that is to build up suspense/show of Alien X's abilities, since this show is aimed at a younger audience who wouldn't be familiar with the Classic continuity, but still :/ I don't like the flat camera angles and the hits don't have a lot of weight to them

Love that Alien X is killing off Ben's, though — something Eon was always too pussy to do

I hate this art style, but I appreciate that the writers are trying

I love villains who are obsessed with Ben Killing him, hunting him down, whatever. Watching villains shove aside whatever or whoever gets in their way to pursue Ben with single-minded fervor always hits good.

This fight between Ben and Alien X, up until he loses the Omnitrix, is probably my favorite fight in the special. Alien X was at his coolest and Ben really gave it his all, no matter how badly he got beat in return.

"there's no omniversal road-side service that drops out of thin air" — man who has forgotten that this is Ben he's talking about

BRO, THEY'RE PLAYING THE ALIEN FORCE THEME SONG WHEN OLDER BEN STEPS OUT OF THE PORTAL 😭 Okay, even though AF had kind of a lame opening, I'll admit: that was pretty hype

Holy shit, wait, the reboot has been going on for five seasons and this Max STILL hasn't told his grandkids about the Plumbers??? I hate him, worst grandpa

LMAO, Maximillian calling Ben a stubborn brat <3 AF Ben looking away in embarrassment because he knows it's true (he literally JUST tried to walk off and go it alone for?? no reason, literally), I love them. They're a family in every dimension

I think it's cute that Gwen already likes teenage Ben <3

Alien X: "You're in the wrong dimension." Ben, who's relaxing nonchalantly waiting for his plan to pay off: "Is that why my keys don't work?"

I MISSED AF BEN SO MUCH, HE'S SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN 😭 HE LITERALLY TRANSFORMED JUST TO GET UP THERE AND HAVE A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE

AF BIG CHILL DESIGN + VOICE, MY BELOVED!!! They even kept Ben shouting out his transformation's names, nreulgneklge. That's some attention to detail that almost makes me forgive the art style <3 (almost)

"little me," omg, he's such a fuckin' dork

I love that when Bens get together, they literally just love each other, it's so so sweet <3

"I should rethink my prior mercy." "Your generosity will not go unappreciated… or unpunished." ngl, this guy is a sick villain

Okay, this made me love him. And Gwen's faith in him is sooo <3 Truly the best cousin of all time

"Are you okay?" "Better now that you're back, cuz." Ben and Gwen are so fucking cute in the reboot, I love them 😭 🥺

I love that Gwen 10 goes, "And, yes, we're [Gwens are] better" and then fucking picks Ripjaws for a fight in a rocky desert, sfbrygbrku. She's such a dumbass I do love her Ripjaws design, tho!! Love that they avoided the Omniverse problem of making the female aliens excessively feminized. ALSO OG HEATBLAST, MY LOVE

OV Ben ruffling younger Ben's hair 🥺🥺

AHAHA, OG Ben immediately assuming that this Gwen is also a magic user, pfft. Even in a dimension where they don't get along as well, he's got so much faith in his cousin <3

Gwen's little watch tech is like her UAF powers!!

Of course OG Ben would get pissy about someone picking the same alien as him 😭 He's so chronically ten years old

"But I'm not your Ben." "You're all my Ben." Okay, maybe this Max is actually the best one 😭 🥺

Jeez, that tragic backstory was pretty fucking brutal. Vilgax straight-up just vaporized Gwen and Max. I love the idea of an evil Ben who's lost everything, though. His Max and Gwen are dead, what more can they take away from him? Eon could never

LMAO, MAX JUST FORCIBLY ADOPTING EVIL BEN AT THE END. Ben is so unenthused, he's gonna get loved whether he wants to or not!!

Okay, just finished it. Final thoughts? It was really cute. Is it good enough to get me to watch the rest of the reboot? No. It's definitely not as hype as some of UAF/OV's high points, probably in part because I still can't get into the art style and also because the fight scenes just aren't as good.

It had pretty good pacing! I was surprised by that, I thought 45 minutes was gonna be too short, but it ended up feeling right. (Also, I'm upset to say that Max's voice grew on me. Gwen is on thin ice.)

You can tell that this was made with a lot of love, both for the characters and for Ben 10 as a whole. It really does feel like a love letter to the fandom, and for that, it was a good watch :)

Final score: 7/10, not NEARLY as bad as I was expecting, worth a rewatch <3

[multishipperofgaydeadwizards]

I have returned. And today I come with quite a number of ships so like brace yourselves, I'll keep popping in between my work. Speaking of prongsfoot, can we talk about just how perfect Remus/Peter would be?

1. They'll be the EPITOME of soft cottagecore. Baking, reading, picnics, growing plants, taking care of any wounded animals in the nearby area they'll just be so sidnsmsjdlsnsjdb

2. Peter knits. And he makes all the sweaters for Remus. And Remus absolutely adores watching him walking around with yarn and needles just going at it whenever wherever he gets the chance to

3. Cut to Remus being absolutely destroyed when it gets to him that Sirius killed his boyfriend but not being able to do anything as he sinks into his mind and never comes out. The reason he goes to Hogwarts in Harry's 3rd year is because he knows Sirius will be there. Him trying to kill him and Sirius trying to explain what really happened. And him demanding proof cause he's never seen Sirius be more... serious about anything else. And then the betrayal he feels when he sees said proof. Cut to him burning all the sweaters.

4. In this scenario, I like to think Peter started our as a spy for Dumbledore but he got turned into a death eaters for reals. Or he thought that the baby Voldy was targeting was actually Neville and he convinced himself that once Neville was taken care of, all his friends and his boyfriend will be safe. I have no idea where I'm going with this

5. They're both not players but they'll go up to the stands whenever prongsfoot is practicing and it'll be a cute double date

6. Remus can't figure out his feelings and talk about them for the life of him. But Peter, even tho shy, is very honest and cut the crap kind of person. With a little encouragement from Jamie, it works out really well.

7. Peter started getting into poetry because of Remus. (I actually was gonna type books there but my fingers just went and said poetry so we're going with it) He first started reading them to impress Remus but he couldn't actually understand them much. Later he fell in love with them. Or more specifically, he fell in love with how excited Remus got when talking about them. They'll both be in the kitchen and Peter will be walking around doing whatever needs to be done for what he is baking and Remus will be sat in one corner of the tabletop and talking animatedly about whichever poem he read/ was reading.

8. Ohhh they'll be so soft with each other I'm gonna cry. Sorry I'm making my point again. But like imagine like blurry sunlight coming in through paper thin curtains and baby's breathe flowers nestled between sunflowers and the smell of a bakery and the comfort in old sweaters and soft shy glances and pinkies intertwined and wishing on dandelions. That's them.

Ok I actually really likes doing that (8). It was kind of like a moodboard but with words. I'm gonna start doing it for all the ships now hehe. I'll come back later and do the same for the older ships I was ranting to you about (do you maybe happen to remember which ones they were? Or do you have them tagged?)

9. Their shipname would probably be "Moontail" I think... other possibilities are wormy which just sounds like a nickname for Pete. Or moonworm which isn't that bad ig but idk.

10. I think their ship is the one with the least possibility of an angsty beginning. Hit me with whatever you got tho. I think I'm slowly seeping back into my fluff phase from my smut phase (dw the cycle will continue and I'll be back to angst again lmfao)

Pls keep popping up I love it when you do :D I sadly won't be able to reply tho bc I have cooking today 😔 so you'll have to wait until I'm back home

HSJEBSONEO REMUS X PETER!!! I LOVE YOUR MIND!!

1) they so are, you are so correct!

2) omg he doesssss. it's his go-to gift for everyone, but especially for remus <3

3) oh fuck... that's so heartbreaking wtf :( but I can absolutely see it happen

4) I don't think that it would make sense that he thought the baby he was talking about neville at the beginning sure, but he told voldemort where the potters where so obviously he knew that it wasn't neville

5) absolutely. they wear matching sweaters :)

6) yesss. like I said before peter confesses first

7) awweee that's so cute! I can totally see that happen omgg

8) I love this. every time I see ships or characters described like that I melt. pls do do that :D

9) moontail sounds so cute omg >w< but moonworm is kinda cute too

10) "unrequited" that's all I'm going to say (it's my go-to lol)

I can't wait to see what else you come up with :)

[forcebookish]

thank you for tagging me, @ariadnekurosaki!!!

1 . How did you get into writing fanfiction?

uhh, when i was twelve i wrote horrendously bad self-insert inuyasha (and bleach?) fanfic on a now-defunct website that doesn't exist anymore lol since then i've bopped in and out of fandoms under different usernames across many platforms. often, i'll lose the muse in 2-3 year chunks, but get sucked back in for new fandoms.

except bleach. i always come back to bleach 😩

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

oh god, if we count dc, marvel, k-pop, and thai dramas (+rpf) as all their own respective fandoms (ie. not distinguishing between arrow, the flash, young justice, etc.), it's twelve - if we don't, it's almost thirty. a lot of my exo fanfics only reference other groups/solo artists, so i think that's too generous. the point is, it's a lot lol

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

on and off since i was twelve (although when i was five i wrote a picture book about the disney princesses hanging out with me), but probably a total of 8 years actually active?

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

write more. i rarely read fanfiction unfortunately D:

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

i'm less verbose and my voice is cleaner.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

quebecois sacres.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

when i make someone cry 😈 nah i really love detailed ones with quotations, ones that pinpoint exactly what parts hit them or meant the most to them. but tbh i love short keymashes too!

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

hmmm🤔 i don't think i write anything that out there... yet. i guess i like to write about psychic connections and niche super powers.

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

ones with a lot of worldbuilding. and porn lol

10. What is the easiest type?

ones with a lot dialogue and character introspection.

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

my office, the tv room, my bed, sometimes outside. i used to write in coffee shops, at the library, work (especially when i worked at the library lol) before the pandemic and i became a hermit. in gdocs, because i write on my pc, chromebook, and phone. all hours.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

there's this one prompt from the bleach kink meme that i've been thinking about for ten years that has the potential to be really gross or really hot. or both. i might write it for the >5k au event in august idk

13. What made you choose your username?

lapmonster: my twitter username for a while before i decided to start posting on ao3 so i made my ao3 to match; it's a pun on rap monster. kairumption: when i started writing exo fic this was my livejournal url; another pun, it's kai + kyrumption (from angel). it's also where my nickname rum comes from. farewellswords: my twitter username changed from lapmonster in 2019 or 2020 because bts got too popular and army were accusing me of being a namjoon anti lmao; it's a chapter title from bleach.

probably should have kept kairumption as all of them, but i like farewellswords 🤷‍♀️ tbh it would have been my url here if an inactive acc didn't already have it. because, i mean, come on.

COME ON

okaaaay let's tag: @pomslices @retiredficwriter @komari-maxx @ellasaru12 @athousandbyeol @bytheforcebook and anyone else who wants to participate! :D sorry if i forgot you!

[ckret2]

Would Bill like

1. ABBA

2. Grateful dead

3. Mitski

4. Vocaloid (things like Kikou, Echo by Creeper-p, and Again also by Creeper-p

5. Kate Bush

Idk these were things I thought he'd like

For those of y'all just getting here, I'm using this list here as my guidelines for What Music I Believe Bill Cipher Would Like, Loosely Based On Canon.

1. Yeah I think he'd like ABBA (or, y'know, BABBA, as the case may be). He likes party music and that's like, party music of the 70s—though I imagine he lost interest in them as they stopped being contemporary.

But more importantly, it gives me the mental image of Dipper singing Disco Girl and Bill Fucking Cipher joins in like "I LOVE THIS SONG!" He'd be mortified.

Now I'm just thinking of parody song titles for BABBA. "Hand Me! Hand Me! Hand Me! (A Guy Late At Night)." "Mommy Mama." "The Loser Takes Nothing." "Dollars, Dollars, Dollars." "Superb Soldier."

2. Now, I've said I think Bill is all over well-known psychedelic music, so you'd think Grateful Dead would be top of the list; but when I sit and listen to their top hits, it makes me think less In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida or Jefferson Airplane, and more John Denver, so thus far I've passed over them. But digging a bit deeper I'm finding more stuff that gives me Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds vibes, so this is probably just a sign that I need to finally fill in the Grateful Dead-shaped hole in my mental musical library like I've been meaning to do for years. I'm gonna tentatively say "yes" just due to the fact that it's the Grateful Dead, but I haven't listened to them enough to say WHAT he'd enjoy.

3. I will grant that it's very funny to imagine Bill laying on a bed staring at the ceiling while "NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY—" blasts at top volume. However I think the main reason it's funny is because it's jarringly incongruous. Most of Mitski's music is dreamy-sounding, deeply introspective, and carried not by simple pop-friendly melodies but by the the complexity & poetry of the lyrics—and I think all of those are things Bill tends to steer away from. "Can you take psychedelics to it in the back of a van with tie-dye tapestries on the wall?" or "Can you rave to it?" covers most of his casual music listening.

(However, I do think he's got an ex girlfriend who did beat poetry that sounds kinda like Mitski lyrics as performed by a screaming death metal band. Someday I'll get around to drawing some of his exes.)

4. I say this as somebody who loves "Again" and "Echo"—I think he'd hate them, & probably most of Kikuo's music. There's a vast breadth of Vocaloid music—it's not really a genre so much as it is an instrument—and while I don't necessarily think he'd outright reject anything made with Vocaloid, I do think he'd steer away from the lyrically darker music. Like I said, I don't think he likes deeply introspective music. This triangle hasn't acknowledged or explored a negative emotion in a bajillion years and he's not about to start now. I mean, come on:

Cause I am on fire; a crying, burning liar; seeing nothing, nothing, but myself; and I'm the one with the lighter!

Is that about Bill? Sure, that's about Bill!!! You could insert it into the middle of the axolotl poem and hardly even notice.

(Making this was a mistake, in my head I started singing "if he wants to shirk the blame, he'll have to invoke my name" to the tune of "Again". Unplanned new headcanon voice for the Axolotl.)

However, "this describes Bill well" doesn't mean "Bill would like this." In fact, I think "this describes Bill well" almost guarantees that Bill would dislike a particular song. The fact that "Again" has such an apt description of him is exactly why he'd despise it. If you try to play this in his hearing, he's blowing up the speaker, burning down the house, turning your head into an ice cream cone and biting it off, and then telling his stunned silent friends that he got tired of this whiny boring music now let's go destroy something fun. Assuming he doesn't simply show no reaction to it at all so that he can avoid showing weakness.

Just about any songs about doubt, remorse, or bad feelings are gonna get the same reaction out of him. He doesn't wanna touch them with a ten foot pole. Music is for partying, music is for escapism. I can see him enjoying a darker song if it's framed in a way that invites the listener to derive voyeuristic schadenfreude from the singer's suffering—but if it's meant to confront you or discomfort you, or if listeners are expected in any way to personally identify with the lyrics, he's not touching it.

I could potentially see him listening to some of Kikuo's music if he can engage it STRICTLY as a party song. For instance, Gomenne Gomenne has sections that make it a solid dubstep song—with frenetic wordless singing on top, I think that'd appeal to Bill—so he might could put it on at a party... as long as the party is loud enough that he doesn't have to pay any attention to the lyrics about horrific child abuse and the resultant trauma. Maybe find a remix that leaves out all the lyrics about low self-esteem, brokenness, and worthlessness—but leave in the bits about rib soup, he thinks that part's funny once the context is removed. Violence is great, he just doesn't wanna be expected to pity someone.

It's a big stretch, though. If I had to pick Vocaloid songs for him, I'd look for either party-ready EDM with relatively bland lyrics or the really experimental pieces that do ear-hurting insane discordant things by pushing the Vocaloid program to the limits of the sounds it can generate; but I probably wouldn't pick Vocaloid for him at all.

5. I don't have anything special to say about Kate Bush, I just don't think anything about her music would intrigue him but there's nothing about it that would specifically deeply rub him the wrong way. Since I assume he's passingly familiar with most notable popular/mainstream artists, I'm sure he's heard her hits, he could probably sarcastically bang out a few bars of "Running Up That Hill" on the piano if he ever somehow found himself in a situation where sarcastic "Running Up That Hill" would be fitting; but the same could be said of any other chart-topping musician.

[nikatyler]

Zeph 1.0

can't believe that yesterday i was like eh i'm not sure about that armor, it looks so good on them

(x)

oooh a pretty evil lady!

(x)

same girl, same, about everything that has ever happened to me

(x)

it's been 84 years (more like 16 hours) but i'm finally opening bg3 again ✨

i think i'll do some more goblin camp shenanigans today if possible 👀

ohhh right. essentially i've already murdered like half the goblin camp so now the other half of the camp is trying to murder me, huh?

Me: "ah yes I'm far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph and Zeph dies* *reloads* "ah yes now I'm definitely far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph again and Zeph dies again*

"yeah we've got this" *the entire party dies*

Fucking gnolls man

yeah it's been a long bloody day

HELLO SAY THAT AGAIN

hUH

jesus christ this man is h🫣rny

Okay so I'll go watch a baking show with my mum in a bit and then we're going back and doing da thing 😏

Sorry for not giving updates if you were looking forward to them, anyway a little thing I love is how everyone sleeps on their back. I do that and apparently that's weird to everyone around me? 😂🤨

I will literally be in my bed like 🧍‍♂️

(x)

newest development in my bg3-rotten brain

did i mention this game is doing things to me because it is doing things to me

(x)

Anywayyyy you know what time it is 😌

I may have just spent an hour organizing everyone's inventories and figuring out who gets what armor and all but we're good to go now I think

Explosive shrooms, yay 🤩

(x)

I'm 💀💀💀 I need to go to bed lmao

Okay so basically what happened um. I don't know how but it did. So I wanted to help Astarion. But I clicked the wrong thing. And I pushed him off the boat. And he died.

I RELOADED BUT HOW DID I EVEN DO THAT 😭😭

If there's one thing about me it's that I'll accidentally murder my favourite vampires

(x)

I love Zeph so much they're so prettyyyyyy

Kinda wanna make a modern day version of them in ts4 and have them interact with my other characters. They'd fit right in

(x)

hole hehe. hole

(x)

my bi ass is having a bit of a dilemma rn

(x)

gay gay gay they're in love your honor

HELL YEAH KISS

(x)

Raw footage of me during my latest combat

I was actually so stressed dude 😭 thankfully we made it through but ahhhhh

Does anyone else apologize to the characters when they get hurt? Like sorry lil guy in my computer I'm sorry I'm putting you through this I promise you'll make it out I PROMISE ah fuck you're getting hit again oh no sorry sorry ahhhh

So uh. The adamantine forge fight huh. 🙂

(x)

Granted it doesn't count ts4 correctly rn probably because I haven't updated yet but…yeah 😅😅

(also I have way more hours on ts4 actually, this is just since Jan 2023, I played through Origin/EA app before and then switched to Steam for reasons)

(x)

my fucking thoughts exactly, i hate this battle 😭😭 on a real note i relate to him so much when he's whining DUDE WE LIVE

i should've known he wouldn't take that as a good thing lmaoooooo dude creases when you smile is the biggest compliment smh

FREN!!!

(x)

oops

(x)

I'm sorry what

(x)

pwettyyyyy

(x)

I'm sensing that I may have messed up real bad in Last Light Inn yesterday...ooops

I should've reloaded to see if things could turn out differently but I've done a lot afterwards, idk if I wanna go back now 😂 No spoilers pls, that's something for me to figure out in my next playthrough

"ooops" people DIED 💀 people i had previously saved died 💀

(x)

You're never gonna believe who I murdered again

(x)

I'm fucking crying I need you to resurrect him you moron stop shaming Zeph for having a sex life Update we are so back lads

(x)

Funny how fast I went from "I think Zeph is mostly good, they just want to get rid of the parasite and help people along the way" to "actually fuck it darling you're so right some power would be nice"

(x)

Crying laughing sending this to my sibling who's in art school. On point

(x)

"eh we'll be fine i don't need bonuses" *rolls 1*

(x)

daddy Ketheric omg💀💀

(x)

uh anyway

(x)

this is the best they are the best 🥹

(x)

Don't be upset, I will reload, just don't be upset with me pleaseeee 😭

The "please a videogame vampire at all costs" disease is real I'm afraid

(x)

Uh oh it's almost 3am, tomorrow will be an eepy day, well it's worth it

(x)

I'm so close to having a funny number of hours played 🤭

(x)

Killed the workout, now let's kill this guy that I struggled with for half an hour. Almost killed my whole party in the process so I quit and decided to kill my legs instead 😂

(x)

[wetcatspellcaster]

20 Q's for Fic Writers

Thanks @redrocketpanda for tagging me ^_^

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

11! 9 completed, 2 WIPs.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

:)))))))) 831,063 :)))))))))) I don't wanna talk about it.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I am a fantasy videogames girlie, with a brief foray into Darklina sickness. I have written for BG3, Dragon Age, and Shadow and Bone.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

Party Favours at 1,804

The Stars Don't Shine They Burn at 1,196

A Bleeding Heart at 1,133

Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth at 1,026

Eye of the Storm at 645

Before this year I had no fics over 1,000 kudos, so that was a cool development in 2023!

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to reply to everything, unless I am crippled by depression (or crippled by illness)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That goes to!!! Sunblindness!!! The only time I've foregone 'I can fix him' for 'I can make him worse (and I deserve to, as a treat)'.

I was actually planning to end that fic with a major character death and then a close friend was like "jfc this is what people read for fun Emma, chill the fuck out"

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The happiest ending is probably Party Favours? But I also think Stars Don't Shine They Burn with the 'I can't fix him I can make him fix himself, but at my end, I can also make us immortal soulmates' tied up pretty neatly, and I was very proud of it at the time.

(Also shout out to A Man's Word is His Bond for being the final chapter I'm happiest with.)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope, not yet! I've had some entitled comments and a few mansplainers, and if anyone sends a WRITE MOAR comment when I have 9 completed fics and over 800k for people to read if they want to, I'll likely become pissed. But no hate!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Queen of the Fade to Black, the moment anyone touches anything racier than a waist when I'm the one behind the keyboard I start blushing :')))))))))

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have written one whole crossover, my darklina Shadow and Bone/Stardust AU, and tbh it sent me pretty feral at the time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes :-) twice I think. it's fine.

12. There was no question 12 so I'll make one up myself: What's the longest you've ever spent working on one fic? And the shortest?

Screaming, crying, throwing up. I remember the Emma who used to only post fics once they were fully drafted. I remember writing a Zevran/Warden fic in a week in the height of living alone in lockdown. I also remember writing A Bleeding Heart in a worryingly brief 3-week period.

Then I got hit with the crippling depression. The longest I've spent working on a fic is 19 months for Sunblindness when I got the Big Sads.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Not a group projects girlie. I'm here to cater to me and me alone.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Lol. Of the ones I've written for, it's a tie between Zevran/Surana and Astarion/Tav, as their dynamics were the funnest (seems rogue/mage is my jam). Of all time, it's Spike/Buffy - I have no need to write for them bc I am already well fed.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a Darklina Wintersmith AU that I have 2 out of 3 chapters down for and then BG3 full release happened. But the depressing answer to this question is 'original fiction projects' - I want to try and write something original but my confidence always fails me. I'm trying to transfer the things I enjoy about fic to original stuff to combat it but I'm not there yet!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Idk man, who could say? I think I'm good at dialogue/banter bc that's the compliment I receive most often in comments. I also think that if I've got a plot-twist in mind from the very beginning, I usually land it? The rest of the plot might be squiggly and messy as fuck, but if a scene was there when the fic was dreamt up (the ending of Sunblindness, the stag scene in my Stardust!AU, the agoraphobia reveal in A Bleeding Heart, the study scene in Pieces, etc.) then it usually ends up being received well and being exactly the way I pictured it in my head.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Can't write smut!!! It's the only thing holding me back!!!

(also if I have the choice between describing something in a sentence or in 3 paragraphs, I usually pick 3 paragraphs. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is a fucking travesty. See answer to question 2!)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Amazing and encouraged but not something I can do, as I am bad at languages so it would just end up being a colonial hate crime facilitated by google translate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Dragon Age: Inquisition!

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Despite the way that Full Access recontextualises it, my favourite fic is absolutely A Bleeding Heart. It was so much fun to write, it was my first time doing unreliable narration, and I was really proud of the plot twist in the final chapter. Also for someone who doesn't write smut, the fact that I got a friend to walk out of their house with the hair-pulling scene made me very smug tbh.

Tagging anyone who wants to do this!! I have made a bunch of new friends and mutuals lately, so if you're a writer and you want to answer these qus please do this so I can see your answers.

[supernovaa-remnant]

Thanks for tagging me @atrenchcoatofteaandspite :3 I'm like 99% sure this is a getting to know someone type tag game 1. Are you named after someone?

Kinda? But not really. A long time ago my dad met someone with my name and the name really stuck with him for years, I guess. But I wasn't really named after that person it just inspired him to do research into my name.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Recently probably lmao. I tear up a lot, but uhh full on sobbing was probably a couple weeks ago.

3. Do you have kids?

Nope! Maybe one day, but that would be in the far future. I like kids though.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Literally none. I was never really into sports as a kid lol. Even now I'm not really into it.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

No I would never (yes occasionally)

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

bold of you to assume I can remember the first thing I notice about people... idk I feel like it depends on the person and the context of our meeting 😭

7. What's your eye color?

Brown <3 like really dark brown someone once told me I had black eyes which. isn't a thing. but I liked their enthusiasm.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Is it just me or is this an odd question? I feel like they're not really comparable unlike, idk, sad vs happy ending. Umm but I'll say happy endings. Horror is incredibly hit or miss with me, but I tend to like happy endings (though you may not guess it from my recent fanworks lmao.. sorry <3)

9. Any talents?

I have forgotten every single thing I have ever done.. gimme a moment lmao

I genuinely can't think of anything I probably have something but tbh I don't even know what counts as a talent lol

10. What are your hobbies?

writing is the biggest one. reading, playing d&d, stargazing (the city is my biggest enemy.. give me the stars back </3), playing guitar, listening to music, occasional video gaming, does daydreaming count? because I spend an unreasonable amount of time daydreaming..

11. Do you have any pets?

:(

I miss my dog.. sorry can I change my crying answer lmao

I used to have a yellow lab named Sagan (named after Carl Sagan) and he was the sweetest boy ever and he got so unreasonably happy anytime we'd get him a new dog bed like jumping up and down tail wagging and it was my favorite thing I used to beg my parents to buy him a new dog bed just so I could see his reaction cause I loved it so much and he was always so gentle and I miss him a lot </3

12. How tall are you?

5'3"/160 cm

13. Favorite Subject in school?

astronomy <33 my absolute beloved there's no class I love more than learning about SPACE!! creative writing classes can also be pretty good though.

14. Dream Job?

None. I want to live life without the constant fear of breaking under capitalistic pressure, free to pursuit hobbies and crafts and interests without the threat of losing shelter and food and other basic needs.

Idk probably like a writer or smth. Maybe smth with space. I'm still contemplating.

tags (no pressure ofc <3): @coyotecrash @rivalsposting @pixelgreen @sioster @cdreambur @obsecure-pluto @broke-on-books + open tag bc I always feel bad abt tagging some people and not others 😭

[faarkas]

15 questions for 15 mutuals

tagged by the lovely @rosebarsoap to do this lil game and I'm trying to be better about doing my tags sooo.

saying that I am already late and everybody has been tagged so. I shan't tag anybody my apologies,

1. are you named after anyone?

Naur but I have a middle name that is also my aunts middle name. :3

2. when was the last time you cried?

Like PROPER cried??? genuinely no idea. I used to cry really easily but for a long time its been literally 3 tears and then the rest just suck back up. I get choked up really easy but no tears allowed. On that note the latest season of queer eye has been hitting so hard. everybody go watch.

3. do you have kids?

no and I don't ever want them. I love kids I feel a drive to protect them and I'll babysit any day but I would be an absolutely terrible mother I'm too anxious and like. hot headed to have one of my own. Also a lot of my health issues are genetic and I wouldn't want to put anybody through that.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

uhhh maybe?? probably?? idk ask nat. or my mother. I try to be sarcastic in a dry funny way and not like an overly mean way. does not mean i always succeed tho :/

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

I've worked with horses for... 18 years?? so. heh. didn't want to or have the money to do anything else after i got involved with them.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about other people?

Like. body language. and then eyes. theres so much u can learn about people just by the way they hold themselves yk

7. eye colour?

brown. >:)

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. i need joy in my life. I like Some kind of spooky movies the older I get but largely I just want something chill. the like 1995-2012 romcom era is my heaven. CAN WE START RLY BRINGING THOSE MOVIES BACK PLEASE!

9. any special talents?

?? idk ig I know how to pull hay and get it off wagons quickly. I can look at like a solid wall of hay bales and go Yeah THATS the one that needs to come out and then either I or my friend will pull it and it'll bring half the wall down. we call it hay jenga but the goal is to get as much down as possible as fast as possible

10. where were you born?

west coast canada. do not live there anymore tho i swapped coasts :(

11. what are your hobbies?

writing, gaming, modding, sewing, giffing, baking, bothering all my mutuals, riding,,,,I am a jack of creative trades

12. do you have any pets?

two ponies, a big ass dog, and 4 cats. two of which are maine coons so. big ass cats. when u see me crowing about eric and iris in the tags of a post...i am talking about them :))

13. how tall are you?

5 foot. maybe 5'1". tiny. literally on saturday one of the moms at the barn bought a new western saddle cover and was like hilary u could fit in this jump in and i honestly think I might have been able to.

14. favourite subject in school?

i really did not enjoy school tbh im rly not an academic but maybe history.

15. dream job?

the answer to this question has evaded me for nearing 24 years. at one point in time (age like. 4-11) i would have KILLED to be a thoroughbred jockey but nowadays...idk man. if I could do something with horses that would be great. thats my one true skillset baby but mein health....

[seolhe]

Mid-Year Book Freakout Tag 2024

Wasn't tagged or anything, just thought I'd give this a go. Books read so far: 55 1. Best book you’ve read so far in 2024? Probably gonna have to give that to Ship of Destiny by Robin Hobb. While I still vastly prefer the Farseer trilogy over the Liveship Traders, her writing and character work are just far superior to most of the books I read in any given year.

2. Best Sequel you've read in 2024 so far? In truth, I would probably have to repeat my first answer, but because I'm not repeating answers, I'll say In the Labyrinth of Drakes by Marie Brennan, book four in her Memoirs of Lady Trent series.

3. New release you haven’t read yet, but want to? Hm... I had to go through my tbr list, because nothing really jumped out at me, but a few 2024 releases on my radar include The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo, An Education in Malice by S.T. Gibson, The Missing Thread by Daisy Dunn and Glorious Exploits by Ferdia Lennon.

4. Most anticipated release for the second half of 2023? The only one that comes to mind is The Lotus Empire by Tasha Suri, the third and final part of her Burning Kingdoms trilogy.

5. Biggest disappointment? Probably Within the Sanctuary of Wings by Marie Brennan, the fifth and final(ish) book in the Lady Trent series. Because I had loved the entire series, I was really disappointed by the turn this book took. There's a big revelation in this one, and while it wasn't a big surprise, I really didn't like it. Not the worst book I read, but probably the most disappointing.

6. Biggest surprise? I would probably say What Feasts at Night by T. Kingfisher. I mean, I tend to really enjoy her books, so that wasn't a surprise, but I really didn't think What Moves the Dead needed a sequel, so I was pleasantly surprised by how well it worked for me.

7. New favourite author? I don't know if I have a new favourite author per se... I would say the best new (to me) author I read was Octavia Butler.

8. New fictional crush? I don't get fictional crushes

9. Newest favourite character? Oh, hm... I don't know if there were any "new" characters that really stood out to me. All the characters I liked the most were from series I started reading prior to 2024. I guess I would say that Kennit from the Liveship Traders really grew on me in book two and three. I didn't love him in the first book, but he certainly grew to become a favourite as the series continued.

10. Book that made you cry? I don't know if I actively cried, but Night by Elie Wiesel was devastating. I read it in one sitting, but more than once I had to put it down just because something hit me so hard I needed a moment to process it and collect myself.

11. Book that made you happy? This is a little bit of a cheat, because I usually don't count rereads, but because this is a book I haven't read since my teens, I think it counts. I reread Pawn of Prophecy, the first book of the Belgariad by David Eddings, and it was such a delightful little nostalgia trip! I was absolutely obsessed with this series when I was like, idk, 13-14 year old, so it was great revisiting it now in my 30s.

12. Favourite book to movie adaptation you’ve seen so far this year? Nimona, definitely.

13. What book do you really need to read by the end of this year? He Who Drowned the World by Shelley Parker-Chan, for sure! There are other books I really want to get to this year, but I *need* to read this one.

[queenharumiura]

15 Questions for the writer

1. are you named after anyone? no, but I had the hanja of my name picked out by my great grandfather, I believe.

2. when was the last time you cried? If the question was about the last time I teared up, I'd say today. Cried? Does crying because I was sweating at Disney and so sunscreen got into my eyes making me cry count? No? I don't recall, in that case.

3. do you have kids? no, unless a pet dog counts.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot? Eh... I use it a bit? I feel like i'm more of a sassy banter kinda gal. I'm also more on the honest side so I just say what I'm thinking/feeling. If I'm being sarcastic, i'm probably mad, I think-- or recounting a story in which I was mad.

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people? I think it's something along the lines of body language? Like, from it, you can kinda gauge their vibe and see if you think you can mesh with them or not. If not that, I guess their sense of humor/personality is the first thing I notice, which again, boils down to the whole 'how well do I think i'll vibe with them.'

6. what’s your eye colour? light brown

7. scary movies or happy endings? I am a big pansy, so I don't like scary movies. I like happy endings a lot.

8. any special talents? does getting incredibly obsessed with things count? No? How about my strong inability to forego water because the concept of hydration mentally disgusts me? No? Then idk what you tell you, i'm pretty average with a select number of skills.

9. where were you born? Seoul, South Korea

10. what are your hobbies? I like to read manhua/manhwa/manga. I like to write things, but I really love getting lost in my thoughts and plotting random scenarios. I guess i'm pretty boring. I tend to hyperfixate a lot, so my hobbies do flucuate quite a bit.

11. have you any pets? Used to have lots of fish when I was young. Had a Shitzu when I was in middleschool. We adopted the current family dog my freshman year of college. (I had imaginary pets as a youngion lolol do they count?)

12. what sport do you play/have played? I... //flashbacks to dodgeball where I managed to throw the ball behind me and another time I threw the ball and it somehow hit me I'm not very coordinated. I trip over my own feet, or trip over air. I'm not a sporty kinda gal. Oh, I do mental gymnastics with how my brain likes to jump through hoops and jog through ideas.

13. how tall are you? How short am I? I'm either 5'2.5" or 5'3".

14. favourite subject in school? Choir should fall under music, no? I really enjoyed choir. I also had fun in art class. In regards to academics, I think I did tend to enjoy Chemistry more than the other subjects. It was the subject I did slightly better in than the rest of the subjects. Does it mean i'm good at it? Ehhhh--- idk. <- A chemist.

15. dream job? //distantly stares off into the void. My childhood dream job was to be the US president-- it only lasted a minute. Remember, I was born in Korea. LOLOLOL My mom burst my bubble real quick. Then I had the brilliant idea to be a professional babysitter. I changed that when my brother came into the picture. I don't really have a dream job to be honest. Like, there are things I may find interest in, but idk, I don't feel very strongly about it to call it a 'dream'. Really, the dream is to just be happy with myself and make myself happy and proud of myself. That's all. Tho, I do have a story that I want to write one day and I think it would be fun to publish it. As a novel? No. Maybe somewhere where I can just post it and enjoy the process. Not really caring if anyone else reads it. I just like the self-satisfaction of completing something. That's what I like.

Tagged by: @zcitgcistcr Tagging: I don't tag, steal it.

[bulletholemagazine]

MARCH/FEBRUARY DUG UP FROM THE GRAVE

The jist of these types of posts is I'll be sending older bands I've discovered recently. Enjoy!

1. Stampin' Ground

Stampin' Ground were a UK band. Not that you'd tell, this sounds like Slayer on amphetamines and NYHC combined. I don't remember exactly how I found them, but I know it was this song and I know I was going monkey over it. It's so absurdly fast and the breakdown hits perfectly. Thrash wasn't dead in the 90's apparently, metalheads just don't know where to look. Their first three albums (one in 1998, one in 2000, and one in 2003 which I'll talk about in a bit) are very straightforward crossover thrash + earth crisis kind of moshy hardcore parts (all tuned to an e flat because of course it is) and their last album gets a bit bouncier and more hxc-leaning. At the time the new wave of american metal was getting its kickstart and I imagine the band was having some internal problems, so they split up after that and haven't done anything since. Now, the 2003 is interesting, since it's a split with the fucking NORTHSIDE KINGS of all bands. Y'know, the band whose singer is famous for punching Glenn Danzig? And the band with song titles such as "Giving emo kids something to really cry about" and "Fuck The Middle East"? Admittedly not a good look for them, but they're brits so I don't even know if they had any idea of what they were getting themselves into with this. Alas, they made some good music and dipped. Next.

2. Concealment

I found these guys through Starkweather's Spotify page. They had a split together and it interested me enough to see who these guys are. And GODDAYUMMMMM THIS SHIT IS GOOD!!!!!! Techdeathy mathcore that hits extremely hard and doesn't spare a single chug or dissonant chord. Their material's just been uploaded to Spotify 3 years ago, their first release was in 2007 and their second album dropped in 2010. The band is still active apparently, as their neat lil facebook page would suggest. Wonder if they'll ever put out anything else. Also, apparently they were (or still are, idk) signed to Total Dissonance Worship, which when I found that out it instantly clicked. If you aren't familiar, that label has put out stuff like Ion Dissonance and Plebeian Grandstand (Thinking of making a video on my YT about them, maybe for Trustkill as well). I think you could make a solid case for this being early deathcore considering that.

3. Left To Vanish

FUCK DOES THIS GO. Left To Vanish are a Philadelphia metalcore/deathcore band that started alllll the way back in 2001 IN HIGHSCHOOL, and as far as I can find their earliest release was in 2005, back during the days of logos-in-impact-font-core. Very ahead of their time, kind of in the same vain as A Life Once Lost in that regard. They then were making music until 2009, but broke up only to reunite in 2016, which makes them the only band still putting out stuff actively. Their latest EP is extremely good(they have a song with jesse leach on it!!!), they've sort of moved on from this firstwavey sound into something more contemporary and it's pretty amazing how well they've managed to adjust, considering a lot of the old school deathcore bands couldn't. Go show the guys some love and listen to their stuff, they absolutely deserve it. If you like Animosity and early Suicide Silence their 2007/2008 era stuff perfectly fits in that style of deathcore.

Thanks for reading!!! That'll probably do it for the zine posts this month, unless something else really interesting comes out while march still isn't over. I might still do another new releases post for other smaller bands (and for the 2 people reading this). Besides that, I'm still working on music and I'm trying to find time to record videos for the YT channel. Stay tuned :3

[annetteblog]

I got a very long ask and wrote even longer reply, and now Tumblr for some reason doesn't want to publish it through asks. So I'm making a separate post, because what else can I do? 😀 I hope Anon wouldn't mind

Hi!

Thank you for such a long ask! I really enjoy replying those, although it may take some time to actually write whatever I have on my mind 🙂 However, I feel like for every question that you posed, it's possible to write its own big reply or even an essay, so this piece of mine probably won’t give them justice (but I’ll try my best.)

As usual, one big IMO.

1) Ethics, “gueer coding” and discussions

I believe I’ve already partly touched this subject here. Shortly, I think that everything the boys did (and still do) had its own purpose. They decided to put these "undertones" (or whatever one may call them) in their art. They made some statements with a very small room for interpretation. And it didn't happen once or twice. More like, it's been a consistent behaviour throughout years.

I don't buy this excuse some fans write - "oh, he just didn't know about this/didn't understand how it looked like/didn't..." So apparently, JK wasn't able to figure out shit about Troye, didn't give a damn about his GCF, didn't think how his tattoo looked like; JM didn't realize to what conclusions could lead his quite bold words about 4am or waking up and seeing JK; both of them didn't have second thoughts about the Black Swan dance; Bang PD is just a CEO who pays zero attention to BTS in general and KM actions in particular (which sometimes actually backlash, e.g. that stop gay fanservice thing after the Seoul concerts), because he clearly just doesn't care AT ALL; whatever PR service they have in BH is just asleep all the time... Etc etc etc, you got the idea

Well, if one wants to perceive JM, JK and BigHit as a group of complete morons with no brains, this "oh, they just didn't know" explanation may work. But if all of them were idiots, how would BTS become the biggest group on a planet? They are smart enough, deal with this.

And YET. KM still do what they do. It's their choice, so apparently they have their motives. You wrote it yourself too - "Jikook and BH put out all that stuff for a reason."

Keeping this in mind, I truly think it's fair to discuss queer undertones or KM's bond. It's meant to be discussed and speculated. They made it public, and they continue to make it public (and quite obvious, to be honest). Why? Well, I guess they want us to speculate.

From here comes the second point

2) Art and its interpretations

In general, I believe that any good art should allow various interpretations. That's what a good piece of art is supposed to do - provoke a thought. As well as it's quite customary to analyze and (sometimes) overanalyze art. Thousands of universities worldwide have programs which are focused on fine art, literature, theater, music, film, etc.

And why is it okay to write about Avengers or Madonna or whatever weird art you're able to find in the closest Contemporary museum (like a banana taped to a wall), but not okay to interpret BTS' songs and/or performances? Again, I strongly believe that art is meant to be discussed. Especially as cool as theirs 🙂

Actually, some popular fandom theories turned out to be true here. Since Spring Day release on Feb 2017, fans speculated about its connection to the Sewol ferry tragedy based on the song's lyrics, MV and choreo. We got this confirmation like when, December 2020? But before it was also just an interpretation.

Coming back to KM. Combining these with the idea that JM/JK/BH clearly know what they're doing and how it may look like, I don't see a problem in having various interpretation of their art. Including queer ones.

3) Escapism

Isn't all art targeted to escaping in a sense? We want to take a break from reality and/or mundane life or just gain some new experience. In this sense what's the radical difference between staring at pictures or sculptures in a museum, watching a movie, reading a book or scrolling through Tumblr reading BTS/KM centric posts? All of these are means to escape and entertain ourselves.

As for this "if they are a queer couple, is it okay to derive pleasure and 'what a beautiful love story' feelings from two members of systematically oppressed minority?" - and you would prefer doing what - ignoring them? pretending that they don't exist? 🙃 In case if they are a queer couple, I guess showing support and benevolence is even more important. Exactly because, as you mentioned, they are a part of the oppressed minority. And the hatred is/would be definitely in place.

4) Fanfiction

Oh my, what a controversial theme these days.

Firstly, some forget it was not invented in the 21st century. Even slash fanfiction (cough Star cough Trek). As for incorporating real people, it's been a part of literature for like what.. always? There are millions of different writings about emperors, nobles, military figures, lives of saints, etc. And it's not like personal opinion of people in question bothered those, who write or wrote about them. I clearly remember a scene in Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, where Alexander I [Russian emperor 1801-25] after losing a battle against Napoleon, hits a birch tree with his sword while crying hard and just being kinda hysterical. Would real Alexander be satisfied with such image if he read the book? Idk 😄

About having "the right to comment on such [different from your own] experience". I suppose, if authors wrote only about what they had experienced, our literature would be 95% poorer than it is. How can one write books in historic settings if they didn't live there? How do books about future and space travel exist, if we live in 2021? Is it needed to be a part of mafia to write about mafia? What about other cultures? Should an American author write only about American people and American lifestyle or it's fine to have characters from other countries?

Writing is not about experiencing something and then making a fanfic or a book, it's more about research and compassion. If you have reliable info on your theme and are able to look at the world using different lenses, why not?

I don't perceive fanfiction as a worldwide evil. Sure, there are creepy examples as well as authors, who write fetishizing weird shit. But it doesn't mean that all fanfiction=bad and all slash fanfiction=objectification of male homosexuality. Fanfiction is just one form of fiction, it can be good or bad based on how it's written. But the label itself doesn't define anything, as well as reading it should not be a reason to accusations.

5) Jikook, shipping and politics

I'm among those, who perceive pretty much everything as a part of politics. We all exist within some political conventions and have certain political laws over our heads. And yes, it includes art. Even if an artist says something like "oh, I decided to stay away from politics, my work is beyond it". The decision to stay away from politics is also political, because apparently there was something within the political structure what made this artist say that and forced them to make this distinction between them and some institutional conventions.

And that makes me believe that shipping/supporting KM is also political. But I don't think it's necessarily bad? Basically, you decided to support potentially queer people from a country, which doesn't really approve LGBTQ+. It puts you in the opposition towards a particular government. You made a choice. You could google some SK stuff, read all that you mentioned in the beginning of your ask, and say something like "oh, that's not okay there? well, fair enough, I guess their government knows better"🤠 and forget that this KM thing even exists. But apparently you didn't

Imo, is it politics? Yes

Is it bad that it's politics? Well, no? 🙃

|

P.S. I hope I was clear enough with my ideas. Thank you again for the thought provoking ask, and I hope I'll hear from you again 🙂

And honestly, I don't think that you're problematic in any way :)

[bingeblogging]

Since my last post ended up being more of a PSA to all SA victims, let me continue to share my out-of-pocket and out-of-character week...I'm here 2 weeks later on 1/26:

Tuesday:

So yeah, to summarize, I probably snapped with this guy from bumble for one whole day knowing like nothing about him. We make plans to get "tipsy and watch movies" on Saturday but I playfully suggest going over that night and I end up packing an overnight bag and staying over. We drink a white claw, prob 3 shits of Tito's, mess around, we go all the way, unfortunately a few times where I was coerced and pressured to do so. I've called him out on it via snap, he tried to call me twice but I didn't wanna talk. We chalked it down to miscommunication and whatnot. Whatever, I'm over it.

Wednesday:

I get 4 hours of sleep, somehow make it to work right on time, because he just needed "5 mins". I let him do his thing for 5 mins and finish. After getting to work my coworker/friend, let's call her Violet, wants to know everything. I eventually text her paragraphs of my night in great detail, and she eventually helps me come to terms that this was r word. The situation hasn't set in and I was talking about it like it was some interesting experience or funny story.

Later on, I visited my grandma as I usually do on Wednesday nights. I had covid the previous week so I wasn't able to see her. I stayed for a bit and met up to see this guy I haven't seen in like 5 years. He was who I lost my virginity to and overall had a weird relationship with, where went on dates and would fool around but didn't have a defined relationship. I hit him up a couple weeks ago asking if he wanted to have that sort of thing again. He was didn't think it would be beneficial for either of us and he said sex doesn't fulfill him in thatw ay anymore. And I feel the same. Idk why I asked when I'm the last person to wanna have sex.

We decided to meet at a park and sat in the backseat of his car. He used to have a Mercedes suv and now this was just a small black car so a lot smaller than the last time we were in a backseat together. Spent some time catching up, not anything super significant has happened to either of us since last seeing each other. Except he had a girlfriend late 2022 and I guess they've been on-and-off and thinking about getting back together. Eventually he leans in and says "get over here" and we start making out. He stops and apologizes because it just doesn't seem right to him. We talk longer about what type of relationship we'd have. Basically neither of us have to do anything we don't want to, just casual and whatever. We kiss again and he stops. He feels like he's taking a step backwards to the past. Which makes sense. We talk a bit more, hug and leave. I texted him later saying we could just talk, hang, vent and do whatever friends do. And that ot seems he still has things to work out with his ex so maybe this isn't needed, so we can just the past in the past and walk away, but I'll always be a friend. I haven't heard from him after that and it's been a week. I'm good though, like I'm at peace with that. I think I was just bored and curious and craving what we had then.

Thursday:

So Thursday morning at work I started to break down thinking about Tuesday's events, just out of nowhere really. And when I stopped I would start again. Luckily I'm at a table in our lobby facing a window to look for cars pulling up to check appointments in. I'd just wipe my tears and pull myself together enough to greet the clients and put up their sheet, sit back down and cry, rinse and repeat. That was the only time really. I almost stepped away into one of the offices where my other coworker/friend, lets call her Archer, was working in. But I got through it.

That evening, I went over to Violet's house to smoke 🍁. My first official time. She invited this guy she went for drinks with, we'll call him Bo. She wasn't feeling him but they still talked and she said she wanted me to meet him because he's hilarious. He couldn't make it that night BUT we went over to his place on Friday night, which I'll explain more in depth. So Violet teaches me how to hold, light and smoke out of a pipe. Talking about and reading messages with the boys we met on dating apps and the guy she's been wishy washy about. I eventually leave a couple hours later and she actually GIVES me a pipe and some weed she ground up for me. I smoked a few times over the weekend and honestly, I didn't feel really any different? Maybe more giggly?

After I left, I texted this guy I've been texting the past couple weeks. A current college security guard and aspiring police officer. We've been trying to get me to come over to his place and I said I would tonight if it didn't get too late. It took me about 35 mins and he had a nice big apartment. Kinda awkward but handsome and I chalked it up to nerves. Didn't go all the way but got oretty close. Just a lot of grinding. I eventually said I should get going, I wasn't sure what he was thinking and I thought he probably wanted it to be over. It was an awkward goodbye because he was just looking at his phone leaning on his counter. I was like, "okay bye?" And hugged him because it was like ??? I sat in his apartment complex parking lot and sent voice notes to Violet about the night. I drove the 30 mins home and didn't hear from him. Once I got home I snapped him asking if he was good because it seemed awkward when I left. The next morning he said he wasn't feeling it, and I asked if it was anything I was doing. Which led to the conclusion that it was a bunch of miscommunication, because i would ask what he wanted and he wasn't really voicing anything, just going along with things. I felt I was doing a lot with changing things up but he said he felt he was doing a lot of the work with eating me out, using his hands, kissing my neck, etc. It was insinuated that we'd meet up again, but -

UPDATE: as of today, January 26, he ignored me for a week and said he was going through stuff, etc. But I was honest and said sex doesn't fulfill me and I feel used and I want a genuine connection. He said he gets it and says we shouldn't meet. It's true though, my experiences haven't been well and I'm convinced none of the guys I'm talking to want anything to do with me that doesn't involve sex. Whateverrr.

Friday:

Me and Violet went over to Bo's house, drank shots and passed around a joint or two. Played darts, had fun and hung out with a Nicki minaj megamix playing on his TV in the background.

Saturday:

First day I spent by myself all week

Sunday:

Bo asked if I wanted to "smoke and netflix". Of course I knew what could happen but I guess I was just numb to it idk. He's egyptian and has an accent which just charms me to the max too. Lol I went over there later, after like 30 mins in the taco bell drive thru. This was the second time seeing Bo and I didn't really know him still. But I was just on a roll with hanging out with guys I didn't know all that week so why not I guess. He puts on "Don't Look Up" and I saw it was over 2 hours and I'm like "idk if we'll finish this" and he agreed. We share a joint and he asks to cuddle so I do, o feel kinda weird has he's tracing his fingers over my arm because again, only hung out once, and he went out with Violet so I was thinking "is he just getting at me because she wasn't feeling him?" But whateverrr. I think he asked if I'm hooking up rn with people and I said I'm not usually the type to just hook up or at least not right away. Like we can make out and play around and stuff. And he says something like "yeah, we can make out..." and it just happens. He was pretty stoned so I don't think he was really in the mood or maybe respected what I said about not hooking up right away. He said "tonight I want to make you happy" and he eats me out for a while 👀 I did go down on him before. I didn't finish, I feel like it'll take a while. Butttt I did get pretty wet. He was flicking his tongue in the right way and also had his fingers in me and I felt me squirting on them. I announced I was squirting because he kinda hesitated and later said he was confused and didn't know but once he knew he said it was hot 👀 He also said later that he didn't mind eating me out for a while because my 🐱 is too hot 👀

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Soooo last night (1/25/22) I go over there again...BTW he lives with his ex. They're married but separated and he had the house for the night. He asked if I wanted to come smoke with him later, and my mood lately has just been why not so yeah lol. We start by sharing a joint. Bo also smokes cigarettes, but you'd never guess. He's one of those really clean smokers. Throughout the night we go out on his porch 3 times for him to smoke. Usually I'd be like, gross, and I'm still never gonna smoke cigarettes, but being around my grandma a lot, secondhand smoke doesn't bother me too much. I kinda taste the sour taste in his mouth when we kiss but it's not too offputting. He shows me how to smoke from a bong, kinda nice, but i prefer when he rolls a blunt. You dont have to light it too much. I wanna get some rolling paper one of these days, smoking from the pipe is kinda convenient but the joint experience is kinda nice lol.

His wifi was acting weird so his TV wasn't connecting. No Netflix tonight, just hood rat music on his phone lol. We start with making out, things progress to 69, he finishes in my mouth. Nbd. Clean up, smoke break. The second time, we go all the way. He wears a condom, like a respectful king. He finishes. Clean up, smoke break. Third time, we start making out and he wants me to cum but at this point I'm dry and not feelin it. I say I don't have to cum and it's ok. GIRLS DONT DO THIS. YOU DESERVE AN ORGASM AND DONT SHAME YOURSELF OR LET ANOTHER PERSON SHAME YOU ON HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE FOR YOU TO FINISH. He asked if I was sure and I said it would take...he says "forever?" And I just say a while, longer than like 5 seconds. Because do guys not realize this??? Ugh. Anyways I'm grinding on top of him, getting really wet. He asks if I'm gonna cum for him and I say I'm gonna try. He eventually is moaning a lot and asks me to choke him 😏 which was hot to hear because a bit before we were talking about what we were into, and I mentioned choking. He said he would get kinda concerned when I led his hand to my neck and wondered if I was hurting, and I said I'd tap him or let him know somehow if I was hurting lol. So I pick up the pace, just getting wetter but not more stimulated ??? I'm watching him pant and get more turned on, eventually he says shit over and over and I keep going until he finishes. I wish that did it for me. But I slowed down the pace and just got off him. Helped him clean up, got dressed for the third time, sat out in his screen room for the 3rd cigarette smoke break because he asked and I was in no rush, then we hug goodbye and we don't text the whole night. He texts me 3 separate messages this morning "good morning hun" "I hope you have a good day today" "last night was so hot actually!!" And I just replied "thank you, I hope you do too" because I was really feeling like nothing because I would like to also have an orgasm and I literally gave this guy 3 orgasms in 3 different ways. I'm all about communication but being passive aggressive is usually my first move lol...if we hang again (I'll give it at least one more shot) I'm gonna remind him of those 3 orgasms and the fact that I had zeroooo. I guess I worry that I won't get there. Ugh whatever. I'm a mess. The fun part is that Bo and I have this little secret that we agreed to not share with Violet. She's going through hell and Friday night we all took shots, smoked, and ate pizza hut at her place while her ex was out...he lightly rubbed my back and there were moments where I saw him stop himself from touching me because Violet was there hehe. Dirty little secret I guess 😏

Forgot what it was called when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results.....insanity all 2022 🥴😵‍💫🤪

[hiimsociallyawkward]

the wicked day

hey guys. i'm back with my random and annoying merlin thoughts. i should be studying for my bio quiz, but yk- i don't want to :,) love you @lady-ofmagic-andstars✨enjoy✨

literally every time i'm going watching i'm going to comment on john hurt that says young man instead of young boy

it's so subtle but wow. thanks i didn't need to be hurt so early on in the episode

i know i know i'm basically a child but this is so exciting

merlin is so cute

aw no not arthur being pouty abt his big birthday

I LOVE THE 'i heard that' thing so much. i love it i love it

off topic, but i love knife throwing. i've always thought that if i had to choose a weapon that's not a gun, i'd choose knifes. swords? maces? crossbows? sure. but knives?? that's where it's really at

i love arthur not wanting to overburden their citizens

ok uther? i hate him

but here? i love him

he's a good dad here. remembering arthur's birthday? that's so sweet. uther in season 4 is the only time i semi like him

AW ARTHUR AND UTHER AT DINNER

i love them

off topic but i like that arthur is wearing his 'every day' clothes, jacket and a tunic under his cape. that's it. the knights are all wearing his garb but arthur is just wearing his 'regular clothes'

hehe gwen being nervous about arthur being on the wheel is so sweet

idk why but i always get nervous at that last knife.

like of COURSe i know he's not going to get hit but it's scary.

the 'not wearing any trousers' thing omg. bbc really decided to do that

i wish we had more of this parental dynamic of arthur and uther

dam alright arthur. being out of it but still being in it enough to see the guy in the reflection? i stan

SKLFJASLDFJA uther fighting to protect arthur

literally me through his whole scene going 'oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez' on repeat.

so off topic but i kind of like the hairstyle they have for most of the guys in this show?? idk is that weird

oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez uther dying

like, i HATe him. i've been waiting for this since season 1 but this scene makes me sad

ok i don't remember the last episode of merlin so i forget what arthur says when he's dying in merlin's arms??

it's something like 'hold me' right? i feel like that has the same energy as 'stay with me' so while i can't exactly say this is sort of parallel, it's sort of parallel?

i mean, ok 1. dying in someone else's arms. 2. dying in the arms of someone you love? romantically, platonically, familial? doesn't matter. both uther and arthur died in the arms of someone they loved. 3. i'm just gonna say 'hold me' and 'stay with me' have the SAME energy, so if no one has called semi-parallels, i'm calling semi-parallels

bradley's single tear

stfu agarvaine. i'm serious. legit everytime he shows up i wanna pow pow pow him

legit. agaravaine needs to get away from morgana.

DO NOT GRAB HER ARM MISTER. LET GO OF HER

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LET GO OF HER RN

i've said it once and i'll say it again, i love gwen

not to romanticize death or anything but i like candle light vigils.

ok maybe slightly symbolic but probably not? ok actually i think it is, not to toot my own horn but this is also just really straightforward too.

arthur wearing 'street garb' and his 'knight stuff' sort of differentiates between 'arthur' and 'prince arthur'. the scene where merlin and arthur are looking over the vigil and merlin's talking about how there's nothing that can be done, and arthur mentions using magic, i may be off about this but i feel like he's speaking more from prince arthur rather than arthur, uther is my father.

like of course arthur's hurting, everyone knows he's hurting. but idk. i feel like he feels like he's not ready to be king. he needs more time, and he can't be king yet. so therefore, prince arthur is talking about needing to save their king.

gaius and merlin are both right here. idk what else to say.

wow merlin 'you can't stop me' love that

jeez 'maybe this is my chance to change that' little do you know what's happening soon merlin.

oh shoot.

arthur asking merlin if he would use magic to save his father? i'm just thinking back to merlin crying, but not crying over balinor because he couldn't tell arthur, and merlin having to mourn his father in secret. vs. arthur, asking merlin for advice. sharing all his worries and insecurities with gwen. begging gaius to do something more for his father. this just makes me so sad

arthur TRUSTING merlin. with everything. taking merlin's opinion on things and aw

this is dumb but tbh i really like merlin's outfit. like tbh i think i dress in the same sort of style, just ✨modern✨ sadly, no neckerchief for me but i do have a necklace that says 'heather' despite my name being 'ashley'. ily conan gray

ugh. arthur calling merlin a coward but also calling him brave?? you need to pick a side arthur

LMAO ARTHUR STOP THINKING ABOUT WATCHING MERLIN PEE

bruh arthur breaking the vase. it's so dumb but merlin referring to the vase over and over actually makes me chuckle

ok merlin going 'you have come to kill me?' reminds me of another show but i can't remember but i thought i'd put it out here anyways

oh shoot i just realized/remember that uther got stabbed on arthur's birthday. hell of a gift am i right 😭

hehe arthur 'sweeping' with the broom. silly goose

dragoon sounds so vulnerable asking for the right to use magic freely

i love you arthur. this scene, i'm like YES. arthur i love him

i love the saying 'my word'. like, i don't want people to promise me anything anymore. i want them to give me their word.

HAHA THIS IS SO DUMB. MERLIN SAYING 'QUESTIONS. SO MANY QUESTIONS'. I LITERALLY SAY IT WITH THE SHOW EVERY TIME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

aw arthur just sitting there with the cup and trying not to break it HAHA he's so sweet. slightly scared after that vase yk what i mean

ok i don't like morgana and everything but that necklace? that's a stroke of genius. yes girl. make up the plan as you go along

frick you agarvaine. do not scare gwen you PERV

jeez agarvainewas SO rude putting that necklace onto uther. like yes, ik you don't like him but STILL. that's just rude

i'm going to start calling people toads now

hehe arthur closing his door and merlin being right there. it's not necessarily a trope but it totally is and i love it

ah yes. merlin and the tavern. i feel like it's been referred to before but it's still funny.

ok ik arthur carrying merlin is there for kicks for the kids but i laughed anyways

apparently i have the humor of a 10 year old

this is really dumb but the scene with arthur and the two guards. i'm just thinking 'how tall are these guards'. ofc ik that the staging/perception could be doing something that might be making arthur look shorter, but my first reaction was 'bradley is 6' just how tall are these guards??'

merlin's speech about magic makes me sad

aw 'i hope, one day, that you'll see me in a different light'

dragoon has the same effect on arthur as merlin does

uther waking up 😭

AW. UTHER'S LITTLE SIGH AND THEN 'ARTHUR' BREAK MY HEART COVEY. BREAK IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

they're both so happy. this makes me so sad now. oh jeez. oh jeez. oh jeez

oh jeez oh jeez merlin's expression. AW merlin gave arthur his word. oh jeez this is very stressful and i'm only watching this

ok obviously. merlin doesn't want to see arthur in pain. but ALSO this was merlin's chance to change things once and for all. and now uther is dead. #no liam just payne

arthur's face post crying. skf;aldjfa;ldk AW

frick you agarvaine. literally die. i can't wait for merlin to kill you

i think this scene is pretty. the light on the left and the dark on the right? ok actually, i'm going to be making an off base comparison now because that's all i do.

i'm remembering this post i saw on here and it was like, arthur uther and morgana in the throne room. in order of the way they sit in the throne room, first it's arthur, uther, and then morgana

well. the really dumb and off base comparison here is the 'light' goodness of arthur and the 'dark' evil of morgana being mirrored in the picture above.

'light', bravery, doing what's right- being on the left. 'dark', evil, power on the right- and arthur in the middle of it, king

like i said, it's a dumb off base comparison, but at least the picture is pretty

oh jeez this scene

my heart breaks for both of them

merlin not being able to form a sentence at first.

😭😭😭😭 arthur please. you're breaking everyone's heart right now

you already knew i had to include this scene

arthur walking in there all alone

oh jeez he's all alone

dumb parallel number 2. arthur walking into the throne room with uther, father and son. merlin and gaius closing the door for arthur- pseudo father and pseudo son.

'he'll never know who i really am'

i want to do a DEH post soon but jeez. the line that hits hardest for me in DEH is 'i never let them see the worst of me. cause what if everyone saw? what if everyone knew? would they like what they saw? or would they hate it too? and jeez that's all i can think about when i think about merlin and his secrets

again. no liam, just payne

asldkfja;sldkfjas dlf merlin waiting for arthur

i have so many feelings

i love the show of affections for his father. you already know that uther wasn't affectionate when arthur was growing up, but still. forehead kiss? i love it

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT YOU WERE ALONE. i hate this and love this so much. i'm not saying merlin is completely selfless, because merlin wants magic to be leagalized and arthur is the way to do that. but omg merlin not wanting for arthur to feel like he's alone breaks me

first, merlin being physically alone while waiting for arthur. arthur was technically alone too, but he was with his father

but also, merlin being alone in the sense of his magic. no one knows except for gaius. lancelot knew and then they killed him. merlin is so alone when it comes to his magic, and morgana's enchantment only pushes merlin into his 'magic shell' more. arthur thinks magic is pure evil, and merlin is made of magic. what does that mean would think of arthur. this hurts me so much i'm so sad

friend 😭

arthur asking if he's hungry and them getting breakfast together

ok this sound track

pendragon red. i actually stan

gwen wearing a purple dress?? color symbolism?? nah i'm over thinking

ASIFA;SDLFJAD HE'S KING OF CAMELOT

IT'S LIKE I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE I'M SO PROUD RIGHT NOW.

oh jeez oh jeez.

and merlin saying 'long live the king' at the end of the episode?

chills

Anyways! I’ll be back next week to rant more about aithusa so I’ll see you then! thanks I love you bye