#im so sick in the head because the first time i heard this song i was like oh mark webber kinda beat

[santanasaintmendes]

“i wish i was who you drunk texted at midnight”

wc!: 5.2k (i’m sorry i’ve got serious problems 😔)

ollie bearman x reader + childhood friends to ?

warnings: angst asf, heartbreak, swearing, let me know if there are any more!

summary: after moving to Chelmsford you meet ollie, the two of you quickly become friends but unfortunately you fall for Ollie. he moves away for f2 and leaves you, until he’s supposed to race in Jeddah. you fly there only to gain more than what you bargained for

type: angst (cliff hanger ending IM SORRY)

a/n: this is just something I wrote because I was sick in bed the last few days, it’s super long but so hope yall like it! Also i’m sorry if it’s bad lol i am still sick and this is just something i wrote for fun to entertain myself. ALSO no hate to Estelle Ogilvy (is that how i spell her last name) i just used her for the plot of the story please don’t come after me. Also the last speech part is heavily inspired by the scene in Spider man into the spider verse where jeffords talks to miles and says the whole speech (still makes me cry every time). The name is inspired by “drunk text” by Henry Moodie, please give it a listen it’s such a good song, enjoy xxx

They say that you should always be friends with the person you like before you start to fall for them. Well, that’s one thing you could check off the list if you looked back on your friendship with Ollie. The truth was, being in love with your best friend sucked. Friends can break your heart too, something people tend to forget. 

6 and 6 

The first time you ever met Ollie was in a library. A week prior to that you had moved to a strange town named Chelmsford. A name that 6-year-old you found difficult to pronounce, to be frank everything in the new town sounded different to what you were used to. The people there spoke with such a different accent to what you were used to, it would take you quite a while to get used to it. As you sat in the back of the taxi with your backpack at your feet, you stared out the fogged up window. The sky was a gloomy grey and the landscape seemed to be an endless plain of sad looking meadows. 

You couldn’t seem to understand why your parents would choose to move to such a sad looking place, it didn’t make any sense. The taxi soon came to a slow stop, the brakes squealing loudly. You glanced out the window hopefully, rubbing the condensation away with your sleeve. Only to be disappointed to see a boring brick building of some sort. It was an odd combination of white wooden window frames and red bricks, like something out of one of those 1600s movies your Father once showed you. You anxiously looked back to your Mother who was watching you as your Father sorted out something with the taxi driver. Upon seeing your unhappy face your Mother chuckled softly.

“I heard that there’s a library just down the street, maybe sometime this week we could visit it.” she offered. You nodded, slightly content. Reading books was something you enjoyed and maybe with a library being close by, not all was lost. 

As it turned out, that boring brick building was your new house. 

Despite having to unpack and sort adult-y things out, your Mother took you to the library just as she had promised. As you skipped down the cobbled road, your Mother held a bright yellow umbrella over your head to shield you from the rain that was pouring down from the cloudy grey sky. 

You pushed upon the heavy front door to the library which also happened to look like a sad white brick square with a pointy red roof, a depressed mushroom if you will. You halted in your steps as giant wood bookcases rose before you, shelves full of books. Never had you ever seen so many books before. In the corner there was a lady sorting things in a trolley with her back turned to you, she still hadn’t noticed you. 

“C’mon, let’s head to the kids section.” your Mother said, taking you by the hand and leading you deeper into the library. Stunned by the amount of books that filled the shelves you couldn’t help but wander off when your Mother told you to stay put while she set up a borrowing card for you. 

Luckily, the children’s section of the library was much more pleasant looking than the eerie hallways of adult books. You scanned the shelves in search of something to read, until you came to a stop. Two round brown eyes among the books blinked from the other side of the shelf, scaring you. 

It was a boy. 

You blinked back, unsure of what to do. So you did what any other 6 year old did when they believed they had found a new friend. 

“Do you want to read with me?” you abruptly asked the boy who was still staring at you with wide eyes. A moment of silence passed before he nodded slowly, the boy rounded the corner. He wasn’t much taller than you with chocolate brown hair and small freckles that spilled over his face like tiny stars. He stuck out his hand, “I’m Oliver. But my friends call me Ollie.” he greeted, a smile taking over his face. His voice sounded odd, like the taxi driver who’d driven you from the airport to your new house. Ollie reminded you of a rabbit with his two front teeth that seemed to take up over half of his face, but you didn’t say anything because your Mother told you that saying things like that wasn’t nice. 

You took his hand cautiously in yours, “I’m Y/N.” you replied slowly. He enthusiastically shook your hand, taking you by surprise as he led you to sit down on the bright coloured bean bags. You watched curiously as he picked a book off the shelf before plopping down next to you again. You peered over as he opened the book to the first page, you frowned, not recognising the book. 

“It’s a book called Where’s Wally (Where’s Waldo if you’re American). You have to find the characters, there’s Wally, Wenda, the wizard guy and Woof - that’s the dog.” Ollie explained to you, pointing to each character on the page. The initial nervousness of meeting another kid, melting away. You began to feel excited as you nodded along while Ollie continued to explain how to play. The two of you spent the next hour doing all sorts of things, talking about favourite colours, favourite animals, reading books, drawing, playing board games together. Both getting along so easily it was as if you guys had known each other forever. That was until you heard your Mother calling your name to go home. 

You stood up, looking down at Ollie who was still seated on a yellow bean bag. He blinked up at you, with those big brown eyes that had scared you only an hour earlier. “I have to go home now.” you told him, a wave of sadness passing between the two of you as you both realised your fun had come to an end. 

“That’s okay, maybe I’ll see you at school.” he suggested hopefully upon seeing your downcast face. You broke into a smile, “Okay, bye Ollie.” you waved slowly as you began to walk away. Ollie waved back with a giant grin on his face as he watched you disappear behind the wooden bookshelves. 

“Hey Mom!” you called out to your Mother as she came into view, she was chatting with the lady who you’d seen at the desk sorting books. She paused and turned to you, “Hey, I was just talking to the librarian, she was saying about how she has a son who hangs out here while she works on the weekend.” 

Putting two and two together you realised that the book lady was Ollie’s Mother. You smiled at the lady, “I was playing with Ollie, we were reading that one book, ‘Where’s  . .  .” You trailed off, racking your brain for the name of the book he’d shown you. 

“Where’s Wally?” the librarian offered, she nodded fondly. “That’s his favourite book.” You grinned up at the lady, looking back in the direction where you’d been playing with Ollie.

“Mom, am I going to the school as Ollie?” you asked, looking up at your Mother. She chuckled softly before nodding, “As a matter of fact, you are.” 

Those golden words were what made you unbelievably excited to begin at your new school. You had barely been able to sleep with the thought of seeing your new friend again, so on that Monday morning you bounded down the stairs to the kitchen. “Good morning!” you greeted both your parents, taking a seat at the dining table, legs swinging off the chair impatiently. 

“Someone’s excited for their first day of school.” your Mother hummed as she set a plate of pancakes in front of you. You nodded, “I get to see my new friend.” you replied as you stuffed your mouth with your breakfast. 

You were basically pulling your Mother through the front gates as you scanned the sea of other children in the same uniform as you. The uniform also happened to be grey, it complimented the terrible weather perfectly. Your eyes fell onto the brown haired-freckled boy from two days earlier, you ran up to him, “Hi Ollie.” you smiled. A giant grin took over the boy’s face, “Y/N!” he exclaimed, pulling you into a hug. From that day on, the two of you were inseparable. Where one of you went, the other followed right behind, Ollie helped you adjust to your new school, showing you around and never leaving you by yourself. As the years passed the two of you only became closer, though you would soon find out that that wasn’t the greatest thing. 

13 and 13

As the two of you grew into teenagers, things began to change and not always for the better. Ollie and you still remained close friends, having dinner at one another’s house on Friday’s, walking home together after school and occasionally spending afternoons playing Mario Kart with Ollie’s siblings. Your families were also extremely close now courtesy to both you and Ollie, his younger siblings becoming like your own. But the worst thing? 

You’d caught feelings for Ollie, it had been so sudden almost like it had crept up on you, taking you by surprise. You didn’t understand. It felt so wrong. 

One day out of the blue it hit you like a pile of bricks, you just couldn’t stop staring at him. Absolutely enchanted by him, his chocolate brown hair, those pretty freckles that you’d memorised on his face. 

Ollie was like a brother to you, he was your best friend, so how come you felt these things for him?

To make matters even worse for little 13 year old you, Ollie liked another girl. A girl who absolutely hated your guts. 

What had you done to her? You didn’t know. 

You and Ollie had been having a sleepover when he told you about her, her name was Estelle Ogilvy. She was gorgeous and untouchable, by far the prettiest girl you’d ever seen. You didn’t hold a candle to her and you knew it too. Ollie had been hopelessly in love with her since the start of high school when he shared science and maths class with her. Time and time again he would ramble on about her to you, completely oblivious to your feelings for him. You could only nod along wishing it was you who he was talking about. That’s just how it was, you were stuck in a bubble of unrequited love. So all you could do now was watch from afar as Ollie ran after a girl who you just knew would never like him as much as he liked her. 

15 and 15

Ollie’s karting career really took off in the last few years and you couldn’t have been prouder, those feelings for him still lingered around but you’d come to terms that he’d never like you in the same way. Because there he was, still stuck on chasing Estelle. You couldn’t blame him, and maybe that’s what you were always just supposed to be, friends. 

Yet you were jealous, something you refused to admit. Jealous of Estelle because oh how you wished to be talked about so fondly by Ollie. To always be on his mind, to be the girl he liked and would never shut up about. You still didn’t understand why you felt this way, in your mind it made absolutely zero sense. Then why did it feel so right when you were by his side, almost like you belonged there next to him? But Ollie being Ollie could just never get a hint whenever you tried to subtly let him know. It sucked because there’s nothing worse than loving someone who’ll never love you the same way. 

18 and 18 

It got worse as the years passed, your feelings for your best friend would just not go away. No matter how hard you tried, how hard you tried to find another boy to fawn over, your gaze would always fall back on Ollie. But he was dating Estelle now, he was in Formula 2 now. It almost seemed like an eternity ago when you first met him in the library just down your street. An eternity ago when you would attend his karting races, cheering the loudest for him in the stands. All of that was now in the past. You barely even saw him now that he had dropped out of school to pursue his career in Formula 2. Now all you could do now was watch from a distance as he looked the happiest you’d seen him in ages.

He was spectacular at what he did, you would watch him race on TV every week no matter what hour the race was or even if you had school the next day. 

Yet inside of you there was a giant hole, a hole that Ollie had left behind when he abandoned you. Abandoned was a bit of a stretch but it was the only word you could use to sum up what you had felt when he left. Ollie had to move to Italy for his career, news that he hadn’t even told you in person, you had to hear it from his Mother. He’d taken your hands in his at the airport as he waited to board his plane and promised you he’d stay in touch, that he’d call every week but here you were with the last time you’d spoken to him being over a month ago. 

You refused to be the first one to reach out to him, you felt like he owed you that much effort at least. So you waited  . . . and waited only for the world to keep spinning while you were stuck in the past. That was until you finally realised that you had never meant as much to Ollie as he had to you. 

19 and 19 - present day 

“Y/N! WAKE UP OR YOU’LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!” your Mother’s voice echoed up to your bedroom, rattling the glass in the window frames. You groaned as you groggily sat up, pulling open the curtains only to be greeted with dark overcast weather, rain pouring down outside. You rubbed your eyes, yawning as you dragged yourself out of bed. It was your second year of university studying mechanical engineering at the biggest university in Chelmsford. It proved to be difficult with its endless nights of staying up doing work but you knew it would be worth it in the end. 

Your university never failed to confuse you and make you late for class with all of its giant identical hallways. You ran down the corridors, heels clacking on the marble floor until you came to a stop at the door to where your lecture was for that day. Slipping through the door you weaved through the seats of the auditorium to find an empty seat. Luckily for you, your friend Bianca saved a seat for you. 

“Thanks.” you whispered only to be shot dirty glares by the students around you. You winced as you looked ahead at the teacher in an attempt to catch on what he was droning on about. Bianca gently nudged you, passing her phone to you. You frowned, eyebrows knitted as you looked down at the screen. A notice on Ferrari's official instagram with Ollie’s face plastered above the words “Oliver Bearman to race in Jeddah this weekend for Carlos Sainz.” 

You narrowed your eyes and huffed, passing the phone back to Bianca who smiled nervously. “What was the point of that?” you whispered, leaning closer to her. Bianca sighed, “You’re not fooling anyone, I know you still have unresolved feelings for him.” she whispered back only to get a loud shushing sound from a nearby student. 

Bianca shot them a glare before turning back to you, “You have to go, I don’t care what you say. You are going. This is his Formula 1 debut, whether you’re still friends with him or not you’ve got to be there for him.” she whispered-shouted, looking at you sternly. You sighed, leaning back into your chair, shaking your head. 

“It’s not the same anymore. He’s clearly forgotten about me, the last time we spoke was last year and he’s been back home 4 times in the last 12 months.” 

Silence hung in the air, only the voice of the teacher rambling on and on about something you still hadn’t caught on about. 

“That Estelle girl, she’s clearly using him. You were his best friend, surely that means something to you both.” Bianca tried again but it wasn’t any use. There was no purpose in bringing up something that you both had clearly tried so hard  to forget about. 

So then why were you here booking a flight to Jeddah to watch your old best friend debut in Formula 1? 

It was something you couldn’t answer and didn’t want to. 

The thing that you hated the most is that you didn’t even think twice before booking those tickets. 

How could you care so much about a person who had so blatantly forgotten about you?

Deep down you knew the answer, it was because to you Ollie was like your home. He was the first person to make you feel like you actually belonged somewhere, he never abandoned you to eat lunch alone at school, he never cancelled plans once you made them, he was a good person, a good friend. 

Or at least he was. 

Were you insane? The answer was yes, yes you were insane. Being here was so crazy; it nearly made you want to turn around and jump on the next flight back home. You were standing in line to go through the gates when you heard someone call your name. You secretly hoped it was Ollie but much to your disappointment it was . . . Arthur?

Ollie had introduced you to Arthur back when they had raced in Formula 3 together. You hadn’t seen him in forever. 

“Arthur?” you questioned as he pulled you into a hug, you hugged him back before pulling away, still unable to believe it was him. 

“I was about to ask what you’re doing here but that would be dumb.” you confessed, only noticing now the massive crowd that was surrounding the two of you. Arthur chuckled before nodding in the direction of the gate, “C’mon, I can get you in, you’ll be my guest.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to-” you began but Arthur was already pushing you through the gates. Walking back onto a race track was like taking a breath of fresh air after being in a car for a long time. You used to accompany Ollie to all of his karting races each weekend in Chelmsford, so being in the stands had become like a second home to you. 

“Are you here for Ollie?” Arthur asked as you walked in the direction of the motorhomes. You caught yourself before you could answer too irrationally, “No, I’m just here to watch the race.” you shrugged, realising how dumb that sounded as soon as it left your mouth. No good person would fly all the way to Saudi Arabia to watch a race if there was a Grand Prix in their own country.  If you wanted to “just watch a race” you could’ve watched it on TV or gone to the Silverstone GP. Arthur only hummed, you knew he had already caught on, it was so obvious it made you want to dig a hole and jump in. 

“Anyways,” you quickly said, eager to move onto a different topic.

“Anyways.” Arthur agreed, looking at you, eyebrows raised. “You can’t fool me, I’ve known it since the moment I met you.”

You let out an exasperated sigh, “What am I going to say to him?” you asked, looking to Arthur for help. He shrugged, “No clue but you might want to think of something quickly because he’s walking over right now.”

“Y/N?” 

You blinked as you came face to face with the person you wanted to see so badly for the last year and now that you were here facing him it felt like all the air in you had gotten sucked right out. He looked  the same since the last time you saw him. In the last year you wanted to hate Ollie so much but it was impossible because you still loved him and that was the big terrible truth that you refused to admit. 

“Hi. Ollie.” you said, to not let the jumble of words that you’ve kept in since the last time you saw him spill out. Arthur sent you a quick salute, “Gotta go, I’ll see you afterwards, Y/N.” and with that he left you with Ollie in silence. 

“What are you doing here?” Ollie finally asked, he was acting so . . .  so normal. As if nothing had changed between the two of you.

“I’m here because I’m your number 1 fan, remember?” you scoffed, looking up at him. A reminder of the time when you were both 10, Ollie gifted you a t-shirt at Christman with the words: “Ollie’s No.1 fan.” plastered on it for you to wear to his karting races. It was sure to be buried deep in your wardrobe somewhere. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, “Yeah you are.” guilt written all over his face. 

“Why’d you leave me then? Tell me the truth, did I do something wrong? Was I too normal for you?” you asked, questions pouring out of you. 

“We were best friends, how could you just leave me like that? Do I mean nothing to you? Because you were everything to me, my best friend, the first person who made me feel like I actually mattered to someone, so tell me, why did you abandon me?” 

Silence hung in the air as you stared up at Ollie. You wanted answers, perhaps it would be the only thing that would let you move on from him. He looked away, unable to meet your gaze. This was so. . . so unfair. You wanted to yell, scream at him even so he could feel even a fraction of the pain you’d felt in the past year. 

“So that’s it? You don’t even have an explanation?” you asked him, your voice shaking with anger it made your throat ache as you blinked back tears. 

“I waited and waited for you to call me, to even send a message but that was a mistake. You’ll never love me in the same way that I love you.” 

Hot tears rolled down your cheeks, Ollie finally meeting your eyes as the three simple words left your lips. 

You’ll never love me in the same way that I love you.

The world stopped like everything had been put on pause as you realised your mistake. You felt like you’d gotten hit on the head with a cricket bat. 

“I have to go.” is all that left your mouth as you turned around. The ground was moving like a spinning wheel - a blurry mess of colours. It made you sick to your stomach as you walked away, your cheeks flushed hot and your forehead sticky with sweat. Ollie didn’t even call out for you, nor run after you for an explanation because it was so blatantly clear what you’d just confessed to him. 

You wished you could hate him, hate the fact that he’d left you, forgotten you like an old stuffed toy, you hated that he didn’t love you. 

You sat on the curb, clutching your knees outside of the entrance to the racetrack wallowing in self-pity. Wiping away tears that just kept falling down your face much to your distaste. The sun was beginning to disappear behind the buildings, the sky now a deep shade of orange. You stared at your feet, it was dumb, you should’ve known that coming here to Jeddah was a mistake. Ollie had moved on, something that you hadn’t done in the last year. You felt so stupid, why did you believe you could repair your friendship?

Why did you-

“Excuse me?” a voice interrupted your train of thought, you quickly wiped your tears and looked up to see Arthur standing beside you, a pitiful smile on his face. You looked away, “What do you want?” you grumbled, folding your arms across your chest bitterly. Arthur sat down beside you, watching you closely as you stared at the trees in the distance. He sighed, “The race is about to start and Ollie’s not coming out of his driver room. Estelle said she’d be here but she’s not and he’s locked himself in.” 

The words hung heavy in the air, “And what does that have to do with me?” you asked flatly. You knew exactly what he meant. But you weren’t going to do that, you were done with Ollie and everything to do with him. 

“You know exactly what it has to do with you. Did you really think Ollie forgot about you that easily? You’re dumber than I thought.” he quipped unhelpfully. 

“Thanks,” you muttered miserably, Arthur winced. 

“What I meant is that you can’t give up this easily, you and I both know how stupid Ollie can be sometimes.” 

You chuckled softly, letting a tiny smile creep onto your face. Arthur wasn’t wrong. When you and Ollie were both 8 you invited him over for Easter to make coloured eggs. It resulted in 20 cracked eggs on the kitchen tiles when Ollie accidentally knocked them off the bench. The two of you had stared at the mess on the ground before bursting out laughing until you were both in tears. It was safe to say that you both spent the next 2 hours scrubbing the tiles and the yolk that had stained the grout in between them. 

“Yeah.” you said softly, looking at the sun that had been swallowed by the top of the palm trees, the stars in the sky beginning to appear as you sat in the light underneath a lamp post. 

“So?”

“Okay, I’ll get him out of the room but after that I’m out of here. I want to go home.” 

Arthur gave you a quick thumbs up as you raised your hand to knock gently on the door to the driver’s room. There wasn’t a reply, only dead silence and that’s when you heard it, crying from inside the room. 6-year-old you would’ve kicked down the door and done anything to get to your best friend. But here you stood outside the room, sending hopeless glances at Arthur who was standing behind you. 

“Ollie?” you called out hesitantly, the crying halted and there was another long moment of silence. You pressed your ear up against the door, waiting for an answer. 

“Yeah?” his shaky voice replied, you breathed a sigh of relief. You turned around, beckoning Arthur to leave you both, he only nodded, mouthing ‘OK’ as he slipped down the hallway. Turning back to the driver’s room you took a deep breath in, you didn’t want to go in. You didn’t think you could face him after what happened earlier. 

“You came,” he said as your hand rested on the handle of the door but there was resistance, it was still locked. 

“Of course, are you okay?” you asked, immediately regretting asking as soon as it left your mouth. You cursed yourself silently as you awaited Ollie’s answer. Soft sniffles came from the other side of the door, “Yeah.” he finally replied quietly but loud enough for you to hear from the other side of the door.

What were you supposed to say to get him out of the driver’s room?

“Everyone’s waiting for you, you can’t stay in there forever.” you gently reminded him, sighing as you sat down, back leaning up against the door. There was another long moment of silence as you rested your head on the door, stretching your legs out for comfort. 

“I don’t think I can do it.” he said, taking you by surprise. The Ollie you’d known wasn’t afraid of anything, he was confident in almost everything he did, almost it seemed. 

“Oliver, you’re being crazy. You are by far the most talented driver I’ve ever seen.” you told him, staring at the roof of the building as you heard a sigh from the other side of the door. “You’re just saying that because you’re my girlfriend, Estelle.” 

You froze as if you’d just been stabbed by icicles, Ollie thought you were Estelle. 

Of course. He’d been expecting her, Arthur had told you before. You scoffed to yourself quietly, you would’ve stood up and left if it wasn’t the fact that you were here to get Ollie out of the driver’s room he had oh so nicely locked himself in. You let out a soft sigh as you racked your brain for what you should say to him. 

“I’m not. It’s the truth, Ollie.” you told him with a heavy heart, feeling as if you were just setting yourself up to get your heart broken all over again. You took a deep breath in, “You are such an amazing driver it’s literally insane, not only that but you’re by far the kindest, most selfless person I know. It’s crazy that you think you can’t do this, because I know that you can. Ferrari chose you to drive for them for a reason, they know what you’re capable of, everyone else does too. I see you and you’re extraordinary, you have this spark inside you that’s amazing. And . . . maybe that’s the reason why I love you. I always have, and when I had the chance I should’ve told you but I didn’t because your friendship has always meant more to me than my own feelings.” you let out a shaky breath. 

“You’re a good person, Ollie. You’ve earned a chance to show the world just how great and insanely talented you are, are you really going to throw it away?” 

You blinked back tears, who knew you could get so emotional after giving such a life changing speech?

You rubbed your eyes and cleared your throat, letting out a deep sigh. It was time to leave now, Ollie would have realised by now that it was you who was speaking to him and not Estelle. As you began to get up, leaning against the door for support you heard a click!

Oh shit, was the only thought that went through your mind as you lost your footing and fell backwards, the door frame offering you no help at all as you grasped at it helplessly. You stared up at Ollie as you laid at his feet, a million thoughts racing through your mind. He was in his fireproofs with his race suit tied around his waist as he looked down at you, eyebrows knitted. There were tear stains on his flushed cheeks as he stared at you with those wide brown eyes you’d seen among the books all those years ago. 

“Y/N?” 

a/n: sorry if it was so quick and rushed i just wanted to post something! Thank you if you got the end, ik it was super long for no reason, so thank you! Please let me know what you think, likes and reblogs are always appreciated, thank you and have an amazing day xx

[softpascalito]

Pedro Pascal x Reader - I'll look after you

Summary: Pedro is sick (but of course he doesn't admit it). You look after him. Hurt/Comfort (but the twist is that you're the one doing the comforting).

Relationships: Pedro Pascal / Reader

WC: ~2000

Tags/Warnings: RPF, Pedro Pascal, No use of Y/N, Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Pedro, Established Relationship, Mostly Gender-Neutral, Fluff and Angst, pedro pascal needs a hug, this is so soft and emotional and gentle-, author uses fanfic as therapy

AO3 LINK

Notes: hello loves! just a quick heads up: this is no medical advice because someone decided to got to film school rather than medical school. anyways: enjoy <3

songs recommended to go with this fic: look after you - the fray moon song - phoebe bridgers - lea

_________________________________________________________

“You're not going.”

Pedro let out an exasperated sigh:” It's just a small interview. I'll be fine.” “If it's just a small interview, surely it's no big deal for them to reschedule.” You retorted instantly.

You were standing in the hallway of the small apartment the two of you shared. It was a familiar scene. Pedro quickly slipping into his worn-out trainers, already halfway towards the door, balancing his phone, keys and a coffee in his left hand, a kiss on the cheek the last thing you got before he hauled off to whatever photoshoot or interview he had scheduled that day.

Today however, something was different. He had slept in later than usual, hence the hurry he was in now.

“I can see you're not doing well.”-”I said Im fine.” You could hear his voice straining a little more. Pedro was very patient- especially with you. But he hated being late and you knew he likely was already on edge with whatever he was going through:” I'll see you tonight.”

He gave another nod in the rough direction of you and turned towards the door. Your voice became a tad more gentle as you spoke.

”Pedrito.”

For a second, you thought he was going to ignore you, brush it off and hurry to his car, leaving you behind. But then he stopped his movements, his hand remaining on the handle of the open door as his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. You waited another beat before speaking again:

“Please let me give them a call and ask them to reschedule. I'll take the blame if you want.” 

The door closed as he took a step back and leaned against it. You barely caught his voice as he spoke:” Alright.”

You closed the distance between you and your gaze automatically wandered over him, taking in the beads of sweat on his forehead and the glazed-over look in his eyes that had made you skeptical in the first place. What you had failed to notice was the small tremor in his hands. “Give me those,” you said softly, and you were glad to see that he allowed you to take the keys and coffee out of his hands and place them on the small hallway table next to you.

“You wanna go lie down? I'll give them a call and then I'll make you some tea, alright?”

He noticed how gentle your tone was, how careful you seemed- all because he was running a small fever. Still, he couldn't help the tiny part of him that felt relieved at the idea of not having to go to the interview, not having to answer questions he had heard several times before, not having to sit under the scorching lights.

“As you command,” he teased. You knew he was doing this to take some of your worry away, to make you feel better. Pedro did this a lot. Whenever he felt like he had dug too deep or like he was putting too much weight on you, he'd simply play it off. After months together, you could see right through it. For now, however, you decided to let it slide, giving him a small smile, meant to lift his spirits.

The call didn't take long. There was a notion of annoyance on the other side of the line and you were reminded to cancel as early as possible in cases like these. You didn't give any explanation, simply reassured them that you'd find a new date and hung up.

You were just standing on your tiptoes to check the scarce collection of tea in the cabinet, when you heard the small commotion from the hallway. For a second, you assigned it to something falling over in the breeze coming from the sea or a sound drifting in from the outside. And then you remembered the exhaustion in Pedros face.

You were in the hallway in an instant, finding him leaning onto the small end table. The cup of coffee had fallen to the floor, a rug below catching most of its contents. For a split second, you got annoyed, knowing you'd have to throw it into the laundry. You opened your mouth to complain- and closed it again. The slight anger in you turned into genuine concern as you saw Pedros white knuckles holding on to the table, his face pale.

“Babe?” You asked softly as you stepped forward, ignoring the way the coffee was also soaking into your socks:” You okay?”

“Jus' a little dizzy,” He mumbled, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to steady himself:” Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” You said firmly as you half crouched between him and the table and then raised yourself to full height again, allowing him to use you as a crutch:” Let's get you to the couch, big guy.”

It took quite some combined effort, and more than once you worried about him actually passing out- but eventually, he fell down onto the couch with a soft sigh. He leaned back, covering his face with his hands:” Fuck, I'm sorry.” He mumbled, again. Apologizing. Again. Always apologizing.

“Do you want me to call a doctor or something?” You asked, still unsure about how bad his state actually was.

“No, no, just need a minute.” You watched with concern as he took a few deep breaths, clearly trying to convince his body to stay conscious. The thing about unconsciousness though is that it doesn't have shit to do with willpower. If you fall, you fall. No matter how hard you're trying to tell your brain to keep pumping the blood towards where it's needed.

The water heater beeping dragged you back to reality.

“I'll get you that tea either way.” You mumbled and headed towards the kitchen again, muttering a ' you stay ' with another glance in his direction.

He did as told.

You quickly threw the tea bag into the mug, poured the hot water on it, grabbed a small chocolate bar for good measure and returned to the living room.

“Here you go.” You mumbled as you sat the steaming mug down and offered the chocolate to Pedro:” Will this help?” He gave you a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. They still looked glazed over and you hummed as you took in his face, gently bringing your hand up to feel his forehead.

“Pedge, you're burning up.” He looked up at you with his round, brown puppy eyes and he just looked so goddamn miserable that it truly broke your heart, instantly making you wish you could take all his pain away.

“Okay, let me get a thermometer-” Pedro frowned slightly:”Do we have one of those?”-”I bought one, remember? I said-”

”You said we'd need one eventually.” He offered.

Despite his pitiful state, you couldn't help but grin a bit:” That's right.” You hummed as you grabbed a small box from the hallway closet, filled with different medications and- ”Here it is.”

As you approached him, Pedro squirmed slightly:” You're not gonna try to put that up my butt, are you?” You rolled your eyes:” Your mouth is fine.” 

With a small wink, you added:” I'm saving your pretty little bum for another time.”

He blushed slightly at that but you barely noticed, already busy taking the thermometer out of its packaging:” You want me to do it?”

Pedro gave a small nod but you could tell he was conflicted about it. For a moment, he seemed to consider his words:” Baby, maybe you should leave. I don't want you getting sick too and-”

”No.” He opened his mouth to protest, but you cut him off by pressing a small kiss to his lips:” There. Already infected. Now open up.” 

He was stunned enough to not protest. You were as gentle as possible as you rested one hand on his cheek, the other leading the thermometer into his mouth:” No talking.” He grumbled a bit but did as told, his gaze lingering on you as you both waited for the beep that would signal that the temperature was ready. 

At this point, he knew you well enough to realize that you wouldn't leave him- no matter how many times he asked. On the other hand, you knew him well enough to realize he would still ask, always afraid of being a burden. 

Your brows furrowed a bit as you took the thermometer out and glanced at the small screen:” It isn't too bad but some paracetamol wouldn't hurt.” You deduced, already grabbing the pills from the box and quickly glancing over the leaflet.

The look Pedro was giving you didn't fully reach your brain until you realized how quiet he was. Immediately, you turned your attention towards him:” Are you okay? Are you feeling dizzy?”

To your surprise, he gave a small chuckle. He was glancing at you in wonder:” How do you know all this?” You raised a brow:'' Thermometers and Paracetamol aren't exactly rocket science.” He shook his head:” Still, you're- you're kind of good at that.”

You gave a small shrug as you poured him a glass of water:” I spent a few summers helping out at camp when I was younger. They didn't have a proper nurse so I filled in.”

Again, he stared up at you in amazement:” I didn't know that.” He said quietly.

“Well, we never- it never came up.” You replied, a little self-conscious:” I didn't think it was very interesting.”

“Everything about you is interesting. To me, I mean.” He blurted out. You stared at him for a moment and then sighed, shaking your head.

“Pedro, you have a fever.”-”So?”-”So, declarations of your deep love for me don't count because you're not in the right state of mind.” Both of you stayed quiet as you settled down on the couch.

“Are you sure you dont wanna leave?” You smiled at him gently as you drew a blanket over his legs:” Go to sleep, baby.”

Again, you fell into silence as you watched him close his eyes. You were beginning to think he'd already fallen asleep, when he suddenly spoke again.

“Querida?” He asked in a low voice. Your head perked up slightly:” Hm?”

“Remind me again tomorrow.” 

Your brows furrowed in confusion, your brain already zoning out:” Remind you of what?”

“To tell you how much I love you.”

You were too choked up to answer. You simply stared at him, his broad form nestled into the couch, two pillows below his back because it always, always hurt, his hair messy and sticking up into all directions and his eyes closed, seemingly already drifting off to sleep. He looked so soft and vulnerable and you couldn't help the strong urge to protect him, to shield him from all evil in the world. Including the evil of a sick day.

It didn't take more than a few minutes until his breathing became deeper and eventually he began snoring softly.

You watched his chest rise and fall from your spot on the couch and you thought your heart might leap out of your own chest and join in his, because you simply loved him that much.

With a small sigh, you got up again. You turned off the doorbell, threw both your socks and the coffee-stained rug into the washer, drew a few curtains and hid the script Pedro had been working on below some magazines. As far as you were concerned, he was on bedrest for the remainder of the day.

When you were satisfied, you returned to your spot on the couch, shifting slightly so that you were lying next to him but still giving him enough space to turn in his sleep.

“I'll remind you every day.” You mumbled, more to yourself than him.

I'll remind you every day as long as your answer stays the same, I'll have you as long as you'll have me . 

You thought distantly as you too closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep, your hand finding his in a gesture that conveyed more than either of you could say. 

But you knew. Both of you knew .

You knew now and you'd know the day after. And the day after that. And you had a feeling he did too.

_______________________________________

ty for reading!! i am afraid i am in fact a hopeless romantic. anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed it, please leave a comment if you did <3

[ron456]

AHHHHH- IM SO SICK OF THE BS I SWEAR-

FIRST OF ALL-

He doesn't "act naturally" or "normal" because HE'S AUTISTIC-

Will Roland portrays him as AUTISTIC so he's gonna act AUTISTIC-

ALSOOOO- IT'S BROADWAY, BABE- THEY NEED TO BE OVERDRAMATIC AND VERY EXPRESSIVE OTHERWISE THE PREFORMANCE DOESN'T CARRY THROUGH THE WHOLE THEATRE-

AND ANOTHER THING- Jeremy is supposed to be a "loser"-

he gets bullied and is misunderstood by his peers because he is, well, NOT CHILL-

HE'S "CHALANT" AS HELL-

He gets bullied because he cares about things too much, he's anxious, he's loud-

And in regards to the "can't hold a note for too long"- have you heard Loser, Geek, Whatever? Or More Than Survive? Or Two Player Game??? Song where he holds notes for quite a long time- ALSO- to say that Will Roland can't reach the same notes as Will Connolly is just... not true.

And one of the reasons I think some people think Will Roland is "a worse singer" is because, sometimes, stylistically, Will Roland will use a sort of falsetto/head voice (which I LOVE BTW AND IM SICK OF PEOPLE CALLING OTHER PEOPLE BAD SINGERS BECAUSE THEY USE HEAD VOICE- IT'S BEAUTIFUL, IMPRESSIVE, AND REQUIRES GOOD BREATH CONTROL TO MAKE IT NOT SOUND CRAPPY AND WILL ROLAND DOES IT AMAZINGLY) like when he says "hero" and "Rob Dinero" (idk if that's how you spell it 😭) in More Than Survive.

It's not that he's a bad singer, he is taking the brunt of his voice during those parts and also, given that it's this little solo/soliloquy moment for Jeremy, I think that Will Roland's choice to use a light head voice there is perfectly well-placed. It feels kinda personal, I guess. And I love it <3

Not to say that Will Connolly's way of singing it isn't also great. It's awesome! But like, guys, we can't keep getting pissed when a new actor in a show doesn't have the exact same singing voice as the original 😭 That's just silly, guys. 😭

(LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GOT PISSED AT ELIZABETH TEETER'S LYDIA FOR SOUNDING TOO MUSICAL THEATRE-Y?? LIKE. HUH?!? GUYS, IT'S BROADWAY- WHAT DO YOU MEANNN??? Sorry, I have feelings- Also, Shoutout to Elizabeth Teeter, btw, cuz' she slayed <3)

Anywaysss- back to Will Roland's voice- he is very much capable of hitting the notes that Will Conolly hits- if not higher (IT'S NOT A COMPETION THO, GUYS- PLS DONT COME FOR ME). For example, the acoustic version of Loser, Geek, Whatever on Spotify which, I believe, is a key higher than usual!! This man can belt some high notes when the situation calls for it! And also, (these are not really bmc related but whatever) during the harmony or whatever at the end of "Sincerely, Me", that is none other than WiLL RoLaND (!!!) hitting that high E (I'm pretty sure it's an E. I hope it's an E. But regardless, it's still a SUPER HIGH NOTE) at the end! And in "Amphibian" on Joe Iconis' album titled, well, "Album", Will Roland hits some insanely high notes!!! ( EVEN IF THEY ARE HEAD VOICE. I REPEAT, HEAD VOICE DOES NOT MEAN BAD SINGER!!)

Also, as a little additional statement to my "Jeremy is autistic/ autistic-coded so Will Roland played him as autistic"; this is not to say that Will Conolly didn't add some "autistic flare", if you will, to Jeremy. I mean, just yesterday I was freaking out with my friend about a gif of Will Conolly's Jeremy doing the autistic flappy hands :))). And I think that he was a good baseline for other Jeremy's to build off of!

Also, I feel like the people that are saying that Will Roland's portrayal of autism/neurodiversity is "ableist" or "incorrect" or "too dramatic" are sorta failing to understand/acknowledge that autism/neurodiversity is a spectrum. Not every person with autism or another kind of Neurodiversity is gonna act the same. And I think that's something really beautiful that we should all cherish. It is GREAT that we are all different but also, in many ways, the same!

And to see myself and my uncontrolled speaking voice and weird noises and such represented by Will Roland on stage is such a beautiful thing that I think 'ought to be cherished.

[mirrorballhughes]

i miss you, im sorry | luke hughes x adelaide hunter

based on the gracie abrams song (kindaish) and also based kinda on tsitp :) this is a drafted story im gonna post to wattpad 👀 but this is when luke is leaving UMich for good, and doesnt say anything to adelaide since the pair broke up. giving you some angst kinda😊 this is my first time writing off hand and not using tv show plots for my storyline so pls lmk if you like it and if u want more !!!

once the game finished, adelaide rushed to the dressing room to congratulate the boys for winning the game. ade stood outside watching the doors slam lightly open, the girl smiled seeing mackie and rutger walk out. the boys didnt looks so happy. “whats with the long faces? you guys killed it today!!!” the blonde girl smiled stopping the boys in their places. the two were whispering to each other ade though she might of heard, “she doesnt know?” “he didnt tell her?” come from the pair. before she could ask mark, ethan and duker came out with the same look on their faces. the rest of the team exited the dressing room. adelaide looked at the team, not seeing that curly hair she still adored. he always stuck out to her. ‘for adelaide, luke is the sun. and when the sun comes out, the stars disappear.'

“wheres luke?” the boys looked around at each other, mark took a step up closer to the girl. “he just left dells. you didnt know? hes leaving for jersey tonight.” the words simply didnt sound real to her. why didnt luke say anything to her before he left? her hand started shaking, the 43 jersey on her back was itchy. she didnt feel real. sure the pair broke up, but the girl always thought it was mutual. they couldnt not just stop being friends, their families being friends they were always connected almost like a single thread of gold tied them together. “how long ago.” the words came out inbetween shaky breaths. “just now. addie you might make it to him.” ethan smiled grabbing the girl’s shoulders in hopes that would make her feel better. “move out of the way!” ade pushed through the group of boys and started running down the corridor. tears were hot and falling from her face.

her footsteps got louder. her ears were ringing, she heard other footsteps behind her knowing the team was following her. this damn jersey was making her so itchy. adelaide wants the best for her boy, but she wished he could’ve said goodbye to her. she was his biggest supporter. even still wearing his jersey to their games. after they broke up, she loved seeing face when he realizes whos jersey she was wearing. it warmed her up inside. but now this jersey was making her ill. she looked up seeing his curly hair, she stopped in her place as she felt like she was gonna be sick. all the blonde wanted to do was say “i miss you. i just want my boy back.” but she knew that couldnt happen.

I MISS YOU

luke had just left the dressing room. he finished saying his goodbyes to his teammates. he was gonna miss playing with his friends, but the NHL was his dream. the curly haired boy kept walking down the corridor saying goodbye to the people walking the other way from him. he couldnt bring himself to say goodbye to his girl scratch that not his girl, but she will always still be his girl. the boy was surprised she showed up wearing his jersey. he thought she wouldve asked mark for his or anyone else on the team. but even when they werent talking she still wore his jersey loud and proud.

loud footsteps approached him. “LUKE!!!” he knew that voice all too well. “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME.” that made him stop in his place. luke shook his head and kept walking. the footsteps followed, adelaides tears fell quicker. he could tell she was crying, he cant give an reaction. he doesnt want to be a dick, but he knows once he turns around hes gonna pull addie in for a hug, pick her up and kiss her. leaving UMich was hard for him just because of her. he missed his girl. luke just wanted addie back with him in his arms, watching some dumb movie as the girl can recite it with like back of her hand. the way she looked in the morning. going out for breakfast. her watching him and the boys practice.

the no contact with each other was unbearable. the lingering tension was crazy. the ex couple both could pounce on each other in any minute and kiss each other so passionately. ade stayed in her place looking at the boy who stood still like time stopped. she wiped her eyes in hopes he would speak. “lu, are you gonna say anything?” her voice broke. luke felt so shitty, but he knows this is for the better. he would stop everything for adelaide hunter but his dream is standing in the way of the two. he wants to leave UMich but if he even looks at the blonde he would just cave in and chase right after her. “ill see you at the lake house el.” and with that luke hughes opened the doors, walked out tears forming in his eyes. he blinked a few times in hopes they would go away.

IM SORRY

“LU.” adelaide chased after him, getting stopped by mark. the taller boy pulled her into his chest, holding her face as he watched the hughes boy walk away from UMich for good. “dells you okay?” he pushed hair out of her face looking down at the girl. “no.” adelaide let go of mark and took that jersey off, leaving her in her blue long sleeve she had on under it. she looked down at the jersey, her fingers ran down the numbers and his name, as tears welled in her eyes. “come on. im sure he will reach out soon.” mark wrapped his arm around his shoulders, walking to where the rest of the group was. “we can see him on the big screen too ade! this is his dream. i knew he meant well.” duker pulled the girl out of marks arm and hugged her. “its gonna work out in the end. just trust me.”

[equallyshaw]

word vomit | connor bedard - based of kenzie Ziegler's song "word vomit - takes place in the 2024-2025 season - they/them pronouns! - im extremely rusty, so pls be kind! haha - hope you all enjoy xx

- also f the format omg

Word count: 3.3k

Warnings: none!

The thought of who I thought you were It makes me sick I'm feeling like I lost a limb A piece of me is gone and I don't think I'll re-attach it

_

phoenix had been blindsided. blindsided by it all. they did not understand, at all. the version of connor that they had apparently dreamt connor up to be was false, oh so very false. they'd never thought once that connor would or could do such a thing. especially with who his parents and sister were, his friends on the team who thought of him as a young brother and pulled him under his wing the second he got there. but all hockey players are the same, right? phoenix believed they'd never move on and heal from this, there was no way right? phoenix didn't know how they could move on as if nothing had happened, especially since connor didn't think twice or think to think of them.

-

But nothing hurts like that shit It's hard to wrap my head around The fact that you've been making me look back Playing the victim like it wasn't you who fucked up what we had And lit the match like it was nothing Left me feeling gutted

_

since the moment they'd figured out about connor cheating, they could not help but look back at the two year relationship. was every moment a lie? was it all fake? was phoenix just a place holder until the real one came along? it hurt them beyond belief, to have to do all of that. how could this be? is this for real? were the two questions they played over and over in their mind, for the next few months afterward. phoenix was just confused about it all.

then connor, oh sweet innocent connor debued the perfect pictured esque girl to the world, and made everybody believe that the girl was his light at the end of the tunnel. that it was phoenix's fault that they were not together anymore and that it was phoenix's fault that connor had moved on with her. phoenix let their thoughts and feelings be heard with kevin korchinski's girlfriend taylor, who had been even more shocked to hear what connor had done. taylor couldn't believe that the connor that kevin gushed about, was completely different.

||

"oh fuck you, connor! what the hell were you thinking?!" taylor screamed at connor as kevin tried to pull them to leave the dinner that connor threw for a few of the young guys. alex vlasic, frank nazar, phillip kurashev and nolan allen. not to mention their partners. "you're gonna act like an angel when you're far from it?!" she screamed, "and you! you're not much of a girl's girl as you claim to be!" she screamed at the girl that had been introduced to the group tonight for the first time. "you fucking pig, connor!" taylor screamed before kevin grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the luxury apartment. "fuck you kevin, why didn't you let me finish, huh!" she screamed at her boyfriend who only sighed in response. she was about to talk back towards the door as she saw red, but kevin only held her hand to keep her from going. "because if you do that, then ill have to answer to connor. and possibly harm our friendship, tay." he said pulling her into the elevator. "if it was any other circumstance, and us getting along was not apart of our job - i'd give him even more of my mind babe." kevin said as the elevator closed. "what?" she questioned, looking at her boyfriend. "when he told a few of us, oh i was seeing red, i heckled him so badly he had to leave the room. and then when he posted her, i gave him more of my mind as well." he said and taylor calmed down a bit. "come on, lets go see phoenix." he said pulling her out onto the 2nd floor and pulling her towards phoenix's and her roommates apartment.

-

"he fucking ruined me." phoenix said as they nursed their spiked drink, before chuckling. "i should of known it was coming, fuck." they cried. taylor frowned while kevin looked at the ground, "he claims to be a victim but he's far from it." phoenix's roommate natalia said walking in and sitting next to phoenix on the couch. "god, i wish somebody could break him like a twig." natalia said grimly before chugging her drink. "he ran with it, without a second thought. no care in the world for me especially since our relationship wasn't as private as i had wanted. but what connor wants, he gets." phoenix sighed. taylor nodded understanding and knew how much she fought with connor and how much he 'flaunted' the relationship via social media. "he didn't care how much it broke me, not a second thought or look back to see how it affected me."

_

phoenix had been finishing cleaning up the kitchen when connor had gone to take a shower. once they were done cleaning, they headed towards their room to get ready for the evening. connor's phone had been placed on his nightstand, and it was buzzing by the time phoenix had finished up the kitchen and headed towards the room. their eyebrows crinkled as they peered over to see who it was and if it might be urgent. the name popped up with a single '🌹' for the name. the call ended, and then they called once again. by that time, connor had missed 3 calls. phoenix swallowed harshly before picking it up, "hello?" they questioned. the person on the other line gasped, "who is this?" phoenix questioned.

connor opened up the ensemble washroom door, with just a towel on. his curls drenched and pressed against his forehead. he felt his body run cold.

"who. is. this." phoenix asked once more before the call ended. phoenix's mouth opened as they pressed their tonight to the roof of their mouth, biting their tongue essentially. trying to figure out the word they wanted to say first.

phoenix tore the phone away from her ear, before chucking it at him and was surprised that beneath the shock his reflexes were still sharp, as he caught it. "don't lie connor, don't you dare." they threatened with a snarl. connor swallowed his panic, once he saw the single rose on his notifications. he clenched his jaw for a tense moment, "she's a girl...I've been talking to." he said vaguely and phoenix let out a sob they'd been holding in. it was a jab to the heart. almost like a dagger. "I've done nothing wrong." phoenix began in a soft whisper, "why?" they followed up quickly trying to search connor's face. he shrugged.

that fucker, they thought.

"seriously? seriously." their fists clenched at their sides, and connor met their eye. "what do you want me to say, phe? want me to lie and say that i still love you, that you are it for me? it was a moment of stupidity? that i regret it all? that you didn't give me reasons to step out?" he deadpanned and phoenix's head tilted to the side, studying him. "I've given you everything. all of me. why this? what did i do to deserve this?" they rambled, beginning to run through everything over the past two years. nothing suspicious came up.

"phe-" they cut him off with one look, "you don't get to call me that, not anymore!" they screamed at him, knocking him dead in his tracks. they let a sob out before clasping their hand over their mouth. with a shake of their head, they turned away and began their descent out of the shared apartment. "phoenix!" connor called after them, and they abruptly stopped in front of the door - before turning around. "i never want you to speak to me ever again." they announced before opening the door and stepping into the hall, with a slam of the door. phoenix heard towards the stairwell and headed downstairs to the apartment they shared with their friend.

||

Now my thoughts are pouring out Wondering what you talked about Late at night back at your house Did you really think I wouldn't have found out?

_

phoenix poured themself a tall glass of wine, now two months after they'd found out about connor cheating. they'd had enough of sitting nightly with the thoughts and feelings that ran wild and threatened her soul. they pulled their laptop onto their lap, as the sat against the floor-length windows that showed the skyline of chicago. their notes app opened, they began to write. anything and everything. they thought in particular back to that dreadful night, once they had already skimmed through their two year relationship. now they had remembered something, something that now seemed strange.

||

phoenix sat across from alex vlasic's girlfriend, ella and taylor in the lake house. the three of them took the weekend before the season began and headed up to michigan, an hour and a half from chicago. phoenix finished her drink and stood up, announcing that they were getting another from the kitchen. they made their way from the all year round porch and heard whispers coming from their designation. their eyebrows furrowed before stepping into the kitchen and heading towards the fridge. kevin eyed his friend as alex looked towards phoenix. phoenix laughed, "yes alex?" they questioned opening up the seltzer and taking a few sips. alex shook his head before walking out of the kitchen. kevin continued to send daggers towards connor was who his so called 'best friend'. "i think taylor wanted to talk you bout something, kev." they said leaning on the counter. kevin pulled his gaze from connor and nodded at phoenix before slapping connor across the back of his scalp, and then left the room.

phoenix watched kevin walk out and then looked back at connor who was rubbing the scorned place.

"everything okay?" they questioned with slight humor locating their words. phoenix walked up and wrapped her arms around his neck, "yeah." connor breathed before kissing their forehead. "dumb bet on a golf game that's all, sunshine." he hummed and they nodded looking up at him. "come on, lets go upstairs." they teased quietly and pulling connors hands and he finally moved with them.

||

What does she give you that I couldn't? If you'd asked me, well I would've

_

the first time phoenix saw the girl with connor in public, couldn't have happened soon enough they thought. taylor and phoenix were out with one another before taylor and kevin headed back up to canada for the offseason, and the two had gone to lunch before shopping for a bit and then see a movie together. the two of them had walked into lulu lemon for taylor to find a pair of sneakers, and phoenix felt their body run cold.

taylor walked back up behind her friend and then followed her eyesight, and froze with phoenix. "hey, we can-" taylor was cut off by the blonde in question, and phoenix moved away quickly behind a rack of clothes. "hey naiomi?" taylor said in slight surprise as she saw connor walking up behind her. "how have you been? you and kev excited to go back home for the summer?" they questioned and taylor gave her a tight lip smile and nodded softly. "you?" taylor questioned and naiomi smiled. "yes - super excited, especially since connor wants to show me vancouver, since I've never been before!" naiomi explained, and taylor nodded. "sounds fun! but if you'll excuse me, I have some more errands to run before i leave, but i wish you guys safe travels!" she said to the both of them before finding phoenix out of the corner of her eye. she headed over towards them and pulled them out of the store.

"im so so sorry about that." taylor apologized but phoenix waved her off, "you didn't know nor did i. its fine, i promise." they said with a slight smile before the two stood at the cross walk. "how about we head to the theater?" phoenix offered and taylor nodded.

yet, throughout the movie phoenix could not help but question what was wrong with them, or what they lacked for connor. even 3 months later, they were questioning everything. why weren't they good enough? was it because they weren't blonde? was it because they didn't fit that 'ideal' or stereotypical wag picture?

the movie ended too quickly for phoenix's liking, and soon enough they found themselves back at their apartment nursing a can of spiked lemonade. natalia came home and found her best friend quiet, too quiet. as soon as she found phoenix in their room, she knew something had happened- they hadn't been this silent for some time now. phoenix met natalia's eye, "i saw him..and her." they said as their voice cracked, which then opened the floodgates. "why wasn't i good enough, natalia? what didn't i have or give that wasn't enough?" they sobbed as natalia wrapped her arms around phoenix. "i i don't know, phe. but you are enough, just the way you are. the world loves you for who you are." natalia whispered, hoping it could bring some sort of comfort, but it didn't.

instead, they grew angry. hoping, connor would regret what he'd done. because they would have done whatever to have kept him.

_

Now you call me screaming, laughing, screaming, crying On the floor, you say you're dying It's delusional, it's all on you for lying Yeah, it's all on you for lying

_

it was december of that following season when phoenix received a call. their eyebrows creased when they heard sobbing on the other line, and heavy breathing. "hello?" they questioned, hoping to grab the other person's attention. "phe?" they heard softly on the other line, and felt their heart stop. the simple and soft beloved nickname of his was followed by bouts of sobbing and heavy breathing. phoenix turned off the stove and sat down against the kitchen cabinet, trying to collect their own thoughts. "connor?" phoenix said his name for the first time in months. connor felt his breathing stop abruptly before it picked up once again.

"connor...are you ok?" they questioned softly and heard sniffles, before clearing their throat. "im sorry-" they began before letting out a cry, "im sorry for what i did, it was wrong of me and you never deserved any of that." connor rambled, "you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and threw that away and ill never forgive myself for doing that. and im sorry i never apologized phe, i really am, you have to believe me." connor finished and phoenix sighed. they had finally reached a point where connor's name never flashed before their mind nor thoughts, and he didn't mean anything to them anymore.

"you cant do this connor, you can't." they now began, before resting their eyes for a brief moment. they let a soft whimper, "you can't change what you did connor and im not obligated to believe you after all these months. when i fin-finally, stop thinking about you, you swoop in and try to suck me back. im not obligated to forgive you for something you lied about and kept doing for so long- i don't have to believe you, and i will not. for all i know you're calling me while still being with her, she should be the one receiving this phone call not me." phoenix stated before letting out a shakey breath.

"i dont know what im feeling phe, i don't i feel like my chest is on fire and i cant breathe and-" they cut him off, "connor - go find alex or somebody else. not me, it cant be me and never will be again con." they said with a slight pause, "it wasn't my fault connor, and this isn't my job." phoenix said before hanging up. they quickly texted alex, letting him know what was happening and alex said he'd go check on him.

phoenix's head fell back against the wood cabinet, and sighed. what had they'd done to deserve all of this? nothing.

_ Hope it's weighing on your conscience _ march, 2026.

phoenix and taylor walked in with ella to a hawks game, after a year of begging them to come out with them. they knew that they had loved the game before connor and would love it, even afterwards. phoenix felt calm as they sat down in the stands, and took in the sights and sounds of the united center. they thought of all their memories pre connor and chuckled to themself, and smiled over the many many memories they had made with their family.

"can i just say the dark brown is hot." ella said inspecting their hair once more, making phoenix giggle. "no for real, its SO good." taylor said commenting, before fluffing their hair up. "it was either go blonde again orrrrr do this, and i absolutely love it." phoenix smiled at ella as taylor snapped a picture. "oh hey, did you wanna go out to eat with alex and kevin with us later?" ella questioned and phoenix nodded, "i'd love that." they smiled genuinely.

it was a few hours later, after a gritty win against the detroit red wings- they found themselves at one of their old stomping grounds when connor and them were together. the girls left on their own in an uber to get to the restaurant instead of waiting for the guys. they all sat down at a long table in the back and quickly ordered drinks. phoenix and the girls were in the middle of laughing when the boys started to show up. kevin hugged phoenix from behind before sitting down in between them and taylor. "so glad you could make it out nixie." kevin said smiling wide before phoenix responded with a grin.

"im always down for a night at boka." they grinned before sipping some more of their cocktail. "oh! i hopes it okay, i invited somebody." they said and taylor smiled widely before it turned into a grin. "who?" kevin questioned, looking between the two. phoenix went to go speak before they heard their name.

taylor clasped her hands together as kevin looked between phoenix and his girlfriend, before taylor stood up to greet the person. phoenix stood up and met the guy as he stepped closer. phoenix melted into his hug, which they'd come to adore these past few months at this point. "nicklas!" taylor said behind the two, and phoenix playfully rolled their eyes. "nick- but good to see you again taylor." he said giving her a side hug while still holding on phoenix's hand. "oh i know, i just like the name." taylor mused before heading back to the table. unbeknownst to phoenix, she whispered a "be nice" to the table, and then eyed the one and only connor bedard, who swallowed tensely.

"hi guys, this is nick my partner, nick this is everybody." phoenix said smiling softly nick said hello and a good game, and apologized if he was overstepping but alex butted in, "the more the merrier man, welcome." he said standing up to introduce himself. phoenix sat down next to kevin and to an empty chair to her right, for nick.

phoenix pulled some stray hair behind her ear, before meeting the eye of connor from the other end of the table. he gave her a small smile and slight nod, in acknowledgment. their brief moment was interrupted by kevin, "now now, tell us how you and miss nixie met." he grinned as nick threw an arm around the backside of their chair. phoenix hid her face in his shoulders and the group took in their reaction with a chorus laugh.

"yes lets, miss nixie." nick mused.

hope you enjoyed!! going to be posting more as my last semester finishes and i graduate with my undergrad, but until then it might be sporadic!

[boatemlag]

Hi I read your gift fic to Bee and I am soooooooooo wondering about the funerary rites of every empire pls tell me about them

[ID: Ask from erstwhilesparrow that says, "[staggers out of ao3 shaking slightly] okay so obviously now i have to ask you for your thoughts on empires funerary practices!! stares at you with big pleading eyes. share thoughts?" /end ID]

HI!!!! im so glad you asked >:) a lot of this is in my brain but this was the initial note for the concept for the gift fic so you see where i'm coming from

[Text ID: A screenshot of an iPhone notes app bullet point that says: "2. 2. mezalea and complicated system of rebirth and reincarnation-> no sense of grieving funerals? joel has never had to grieve because hes inorganic. clay structures dont die. interested in the connection between golems in judaism and clay constructs in mezalea" /end ID]

my basic concept with mezalea was ultimately that because constructs dont die (joel was made by the mother tree, and in turn made the mezaleans in his image? something like that) they cant properly die? and if they do die their friends and family or joel himself can reinstate them, and theres ritual for that, but its a thing that is ultimately for inorganics. and its not really akin to a funeral.

more under the cut, separated by nation! ones mentioned in the fic first!

mythland: for mythland i was inspired by this story i heard from a classmate of a funeral he attended in his father's hometown in china where they walked from the morgue to the cemetery and it took like multiple hours and they were singing funeral songs and prayers and such and then still had a ceremony at the cemetery. i had an image in my mind of the rain falling through the dark oak leaves and sausage dressed in the robes of a king even though he is so small (way too small for him) and the robes really are wearing him, and the hours upon hours of walking through the streets of mythland to the royal cemetery with hundreds of mythic citizens behind them singing mourning songs and the toll that takes on a boy too young to be king... yes. delicious. after the blood sheep religion is revived, these ceremonies involved ritual animal sacrifice.

gilded helianthia: i really like the idea of helianthians being people of the earth, and not having huge ceremonies for their funerals. people coming from the earth and going back to the earth. planting their favorite plants in their resting place. this one is pretty self explanatory i think? and its a very logical extension of helianthia's values. the bonfire is something i think is very common in surrounding areas of bordering nations.

pixandria: pixandria is, i think, the only canon depiction we have of funerals? its kind of obvious to say "The Vigil" but like. the Vigil. im also a big fan of the idea of something similar to an ofrenda being common, visiting the memorials of lost loved ones. i also think corpses dont preserve well in the desert so cremation is very common. the body is not considered very sacred and its the soul that has to be memorialized.

rivendell: i spend so much time thinking about these goddamn elves its not even FUNNYY!!!!!! religious schisms make me SICK!!!!!! in the head. anyway. i think cremation used to be very very common in rivendell because in the cold of the mountains bodies decompose very very slowly. but after the schism fire is considered weirdly sacrilegious when it comes to rituals, so they sort of have shirked the cremation part of the ritual. theyve always had wakes i think, and theyve replaced cremation with a complex catacomb type situation. elves also dont die super often? so there are centuries of elves buried beneath the mountains but its not like. that many. comparatively. elves consider it important to see the corpses of their loved ones as part of the grieving process and its an egregious crime to desecrate a corpse or modify the body in any way, even back in the days of cremation.

cod empire/codlands: funerals are VERY important in codish culture because the swamp conditions mean uhhh bog bodies are very possible. and thats considered sacrilegious because the only preserved body allowed is the cod head lmao. its a religious symbol as well as a theocratic symbol. that being said, there are a plethora of ways cod folk prefer to care for their dead. for those who are closer in heritage to oceanic peoples, its very common to feed corpses to fish (livestock) and hold a ceremony during then. for those with mythic heritage (before the ravine and erection of the walls of codlands and mythland) funeral processions were very common, though usually taken out to sea. these are just a few of the types of funerary ceremonies the codfolk use.

ocean empire: as mentioned in the previous section, oceanic rituals often involve feeding bodies to the fishy livestock as a funeral ritual. other than that, more land-living oceanic citizens do something akin to a "viking funeral" where flaming rafts are sent out to sea

lost empire: heh. so theres two main things here: pre and post xornoth. the folks of the lost empire used to bury their dead in large clearings dedicated as cemeteries. for more important people in society they constructed tombs all connected by underground tunnels. post-xornoth, cremation was added as a common custom. this was obviously short lived for the empire.

house blossom/the overgrown: similar to gilded helianthia, except instead of the land around, citizens are buried with seeds on their being, to be used as nutrients for the large wild flowers. post burial rituals include several days of merriment and mourning, and i like the idea that bonfires are also common here.

the grimlands: i really like the idea of public burial in the fields outside of the main capital of the grimlands. there are pretty large cemeteries that are multilayered. the tradition has a common ancestor with the lost empire's tradition.

crystal cliffs: I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF LIKE. magic being involved in some way. perhaps the crystallization of famous witches and wizards and sorcerers immortalized in amethyst, deep beneath the mountains. because the crystal cliffs is run by the headmaster or headmistress at the time i think the general burial rights actually depend on the nation of origin or wishes of the individual. crystal cliffs is very much a nation of various peoples because anyone can attend.

the undergrove: the burial rights of the gnomes is a dying secret. because there are very few gnomes left, the decimation of the population has erased former traditions in the face of cremation to eliminate chance of Corruption. it used to be something else, but that knowledge is lost to time.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Lonely Dance (Set It Off)

Out on the social anxiety/Out on the phoney friends I don't need/So I just turn off my phone and turn on TV/Cos solo's the only way I can breathe/So I just/Do my little lonely dance!/Performing for my only fan!/Cos its my kind of party!/My room is where my heart is!/I do my little lonely dance!/I don't need you to understand!/And there's no way I'm stopping!/It's like nobody's watching!

"I'm locked in my room, sick of the world, crank the music up and YES! IM DOING A LONELY DANCE! AND IT'S NOT SAD LONELINESS IT'S TRIUMPHANT! There's this bit at the end where the guy is just screaming 'all I need is ME MYSELF AND I' and I just understand that so hard. It's like that feeling when you're just so sick of the world and how stressful it all is, so you just want to lock yourself away from it and celebrate the things that do make you happy, even if that means you're alone, you want to be alone. I'm rambling but fuck this song means something to me. Just listen to the lyrics, it'll change you I promise."

Immortal (Reinaeiry)

Cause I'll always find you/Again and again/And I'll love every version of you/And you're never truly gone/As long as a part of you with me lives on

"I first heard this song when I was hyperfixated on Ingo and Emmet, twin conductors from Pokemon Black and White. Ingo is in Pokemon Legends Arceus, but Emmet is not. Ingo has amnesia and cannot remember where he came from or who he left behind, if anyone. In my brain, this song could be in the perspective of either twin, but I mostly apply it to Emmet, usually because of the line "I'll love every version of you". Knowing both of their personalities, whenever they're reunited, Ingo would want to apologize for not remembering who Emmet was, despite having no control over that, and of course Emmet would be upset, but he also wouldn't care, because even if he has amnesia, he's still Ingo and Emmet missed him verrrrry much. They're both workaholics, and most of the fandom agrees that Emmet probably worked himself to death (not literally (most times)) after Ingo's disappearance, both at his job and at home, working to do anything he can to find what happened to Ingo and bring him home, which of course goes with the lyrics "I'll always find you again and again". I could go into a lot more details with the specific lyrics and such because I've been listening to this song a long time now and building an animatic in my head, but I don't want to make this longer than it already is haha. If you read all this, sorry and thank you <3"

Poll runner: It's a really gorgeous melody about an immortal who falls in love over and over with the reincarnated versions of the same person. Even if this loses, go listen to some Reinaeiry, it'll change you.

[everynya]

when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers or moots (positivity is cool) 💖

HELLO NAT!!!! WAVES MY ARMS AROUND

SALUTATIONS ARSENE!! i’m so sorry i took forever to get to this i was in a very bad headspace, but ty for the ask! no one expect too much from me post wise these days i just felt bad i hadn’t answered this yet (imagine u are my 10 favorite followers and i send this to u 10 times cause ngl…i’m just gonna let whoever wants to do it do it, so oomfies if u see this u get my pass to do this cause i cannot have faves!)

hello and welcome to nat’s current top 5 radio hits. i shall share and explain each one like a maniac (i yoinked my top songs i heard these past weeks from my airbuds app)

⭐️ CamGirl >.<!!! - Villiano Antillano

⭐️ Oh Qué Sera? - Willie Colon

⭐️ In The End - Drake Bell

⭐️ Mr. Bass - A.C.E.

⭐️ Run Away To Mars - Khoi Dao, Geoff Bisentte

5. to start off, even if you dont know spanish i recommend her so much…Villiano is a puertorrican trans woman who has been revolutionizing rap for women and does so especially in her album this song is from called Miss Misogyny, let me say THE SONG IS GOODDDD its about sex work and the control and empowerment and the lack of shame and taboo around these things, its one of her many songs in the album that in an interview she says was made for female rappers to claim rap as their own by writing her own songs that dont put women down and are about the control they should have in their music…ive been listening to Villiano since one of the collab songs she did with a popular dj that blew her up years ago and ive enjoyed what shes done. its a trap song so maybe not everyones cup of tea but yeah

4. this song is really good, spanish song of the week i loop. thank fuck it wasnt a reggaeton song. but this song is by a puertorrican (though the song was originally by a brazilian artist, willie reinterpreted the song after a trip to brazil he had) thats generally about believing in things and finding in a sense a love for the unknown, its a really good song that uses a lot of metaphors

3. I can’t share why for this one, sorry, but anyway it’s a good song!

2. this one isnt in my airbuds top songs this week at all. but. anyway. ace. MR BASS NE MAMEUL ULLINEUN RIDEUM MR BASS DALKOMHAN NAUI SOKSAGIME JUNGDOKDOEGO MAL GEOL MR BAS CANNN YOUUU FEEEEL NE IPSURUI TTEOLLIM MR BASS AAAHH MR BASS AHHH

1. OKAY. OKAY. run away to mars but covered by khoi dao (voice actor) makes me all kinds of levels of crazy and every few days i loop it. first of all, this specific va is the voice claim for my oc f/o actually! khoi is such a great guy and ive always adored his voice and i cannot ever unhear the idea of the stupid idiot i made in my head sounding like him. its a very classic ‘liking a song cause you imagine your f/o singing it’ AND ITS SO ON BRAND FOR HIM ANNNDDD MY SHIP. the song fits him and my insert stupidly well

the song underneath has very sad undertones, i feel i can rlly relate to it rn but ill talk abt it more on my ship. its really befitting of these two (esp emi aka the f/o) given the fact that the song not only has the kind of energy where if you dont listen deep enough you can miss its meaning and just enjoy its energy which is very on brand for him but also its so heavily focused on escapism and insecurity in a way where it KILLS ME. the part of ‘three two one i miss you, im sorry i got issues’ makes me sick cause he would truly apologize over the mere fact of having emotions because he tucks them so far away he doesnt believe theyre even real or his (in a way, hes the one who ‘runs away to mars’)…his escapism in a sense is nayla, in the idea that he becomes focused on her faded colors or more so her issues and so he loses what is home and ‘how long till im discovered’ by not just anyone else but himself, he doesnt find on his own that hes having a hard time with himself.

none of this made sense and theres way more to it, but the amount of times ive been unable to not associate these two w this song…. like sorry that my current obsession rn is a ship of two characters i made and makes no sense to anyone but me

[cousticks]

COU have you ever listened to will wood? I've been listening to him for a couple years and he's pretty neat. His lyrics are really fun to dive into.

(the normal album is my favorite but I also like his stuff with the tapeworms and his two most recent albums. I just love all his stuff lol)

Anyway

I've been assigning bsd characters to his songs for awhile and I was listening to one of his songs from his most recent album. It's called Misanthropologist (<- good song I like the lyrics alot) and I think it's got some Skk vibes but I wanna see what you think :D

first of all the opening lyrics:

I wanna meet your maker shake him by his ensanguined damask lapels Holler “look what you’ve done gave this planet a sun and a man to wonder if he's more than the sum of his cells"

to me reminded me of how Dazai views Chuuya when Chuuya’s fighting he’s captivated and in 15 Chuuya basically gives Dazai a reason to live and I think that fits with the last line well. 

This verse:

Cause you defy creation I hate you, I hate you, I do Hands to the night sky  Praying that you might die Before I fall in love with you

Idk how to explain this but this feels very Skk to me.

But I can hate myself so you don't have to

Dazai coded tbh

Also

God don't explain the way time and space made us But with the wavelengths bending it makes sense to me The only things that's meant to be is gravity and what comes up must go down

This verse, this verse is what made me think “oh this is skk coded”. Its just them to me

Bit by bit and heart by heart, this won't have to end if it doesn't start

Reminds of how they still call each other partners despite everything.

idk man I'm sick as heck rn and maybe im delirious but I wanted to see what you thought :D

-🦑

Squoose hi!!!!!

Yeah, I have listened to Will Wood! I've heard a handful off of The Normal Album!! Sometimes Suburbia Overture gets stuck in my head.

But gosh that first bit you sent. Look what you've done // gave this planet a sun // and a man to wonder if he's more than the sum of his cells is sooooo. That can be so 15 era but also them in general. Everything you've sent me is SO correct.

That last line especially gets to me, but it just feels really dazai in general to me. this won't have to end if it doesn't start??? from the perspective of a man that is always pursuing a reason to feel alive but never allows himself to truly grasp it because its always pulled away at the last minute???? god.

You're so correct these lyrics are so Them coded but from a Dazai brain. I'll be rotating some of those lines in my hindbrain for a while thank you

[somebodystoleme]

the music you gave me "sirius x reader"

pairings: sirius black x reader

words: 1,128

trope(s): so in 1978 they had phones, friends to lovers, kind of cheesy, mutual pinning, confession in the rain, sirius is just sirius

requested: yes // no, by @in-my-feels-probably

hi love, i saw you were asking for requests, could i get one for sirius black?

i’m ok with whatever you feel like writing and you totally don’t have to use any of these ideas, but i do have one. could you do something where sirius is having an off day and he seems kinda quiet, so when him and the reader have some free time, they take him to listen to music, either artists he likes or artists the reader wants to show him? just something fluffy and sweet.

i also had an idea that you could either add onto this, or do instead if you wanted, where the music is modern. like sirius listening to phoebe bridgers or something, i feel like that’s a modern artist he’d be into.

you can totally ignore this request if you want to, or adapt it however you want, im happy with anything you come up with for him. thank you, take all the time you need, and have a nice day :)

a/n: thank you so much for the request!! i love moon song by phoebe bridgers so i decided to use that. uhhh the music is not really that big of a deal in it! i def tried to, im new a writer so sorry if i messed that up lmfao. but i really hope you enjoy this!

the music you gave me

you know when you can just notice someone is having a rough day? when you seem to notice their omnipresent smile starts to dissolve. i started noticing something was up with my close friend, sirius, when he showed up late for DADA, his favorite class and our last class of the day, much to say i was a little confused. his hair was ruffled and the darker-than-usual eyebags were showing. once the professor released us, i picked up my bag with my old notebook in my arms.

"sirius! wait up." i called out for him

his dark eyes found mine immediately, a small smile graced his face. "oh hey, y/n." once i caught up he nudged my side. "are you okay? i mean you showed up late to DADA!" i let out.

sirius and i have always been friends ever since the start. the start of everything you could say. we went school shopping together, (every year, i might add) courtesy of our parents, and we snuck into the muggle world once in a while, just to see.

i think the first time i fell in love with sirius over the years was a couple years ago.

it was a dark night in the country, whereas, no one was around. young ladies and men lined up across each other in the golden ballroom. now, where was i, you might ask. sitting in the corner with my garments wrapped all over me, very very uncomfortable. every time i heard the door behind me open i would sneak a peek just to see if maybe black didn't just stand me up. i nervously played with my fingers and i heard the door open. i dared not to look back so in case it was an old man i wouldn't make grim eye contact.

i felt a tap on my shoulder, praying it wasn't malfoy, i turned around to be meeting with sirius. "sirius. oh god finally. my parents keep on looking at me like they're going to kill me!" he starts laughing, "sorry y/n fought with my parents before this. but don't worry we can dance now."

my gosh did we dance. all night actually. it felt like a love story. your arm slung around my waist with my hand perched on top of your shoulder. you whispered in my ear that night with two words that i might never forget till this day, "you're stunning." and that was when i felt love for the first time.

but in the present, i sit across you on the benches near the lake, talking. you tell me about your parents and how sick they make you. and sometimes you add in some sympathy for regulus. i nod my head and listen, because i feel like that's the best way to comfort a sad sirius.

his eyes are most focused at the lake but at the end of a sorrowful rant it looks to me with a smile, "that was nice, wasn't it?" i nod my head in agreement to pull out my phone plus my stringy headphones. "you know what i want to do right now?" i say

"what?"

"listen to phoebe bridgers"

sirius lets out that laugh that i feel so accustomed to, "yeah yeah i agree." he moves over to my side of the bench and i hand him one of my earbuds.

"god y/n have i ever told you how much i love phoebe bridgers."

"yes sirius. at least a thousand times. but if you'd like to go on and tell me more."

"just her music really speaks to me-" sirius rants for at least 45 more minutes till suddenly he sets his head on my shoulder. "y/n usually i would run up to my dorm to take a nap but can i?" and by can i, i think he means to sleep on my shoulder.

"yes, yes you can sirius." he snuggles up to my side and i can feel my face go red all red. i soon afterwards lay my head down on the old wood bench side and fall asleep.

my head is banging as i am being shaken. "what the hell-" sometimes when you nap you just down horrendous afterwards with drool and no idea where the heck you are. that's me right now. i lift my head to see sirius. he's all wet and holding an umbrella over me.

"y/n! finally! it's raining. if you couldn't tell."

i scowl, "where's my phone?"

"oh- um. yeah um. i put it in my waistband to keep it safe then ran it up to your dorm"

"what."

"yeah."

"ok. uh. well let's go inside i guess."

"y/n."

"sirius why aren't you moving."

"i like you. why don't you just like me?"

"excuse me-"

"i just put your phone down into my underwear and not even a tint of red is on your face! why don't you like me?"

"sirius i'm really confused."

"ever since we were children i thought you and i would end up together but it seems that you're in love with every guy you met or some bullshit like that."

"sirius oh my god. that's you!"

"excuse me!"

"you heard me." i roll my eyes

"so, you don't like me" he head drops down and with the rain drops falling down he looks even more melancholy

"you idiot! i'm a hopeless fool when i'm around you! of course-"

"so you do like me?" he looks like a puppy right in front of me. so keen to hear what i have to say

"YES. YES OKAY YES!"

"my god, y/n, now let me have my sappy romantic confession, will ya? all my family drama and all the girls you stuck with me through thick and thin. i don't know when i fell for you but it happened and i couldn't shake you out of my head. now this looks so cliche that i'm telling you this but i just i don't know what to do."

"sirius. i promise-" i stand up right in front of him, "i'll choose you whenever. i swear i will. now i really love your sappy confession but im freezing over here."

"oh! yes yes let's hurry" and he mutters that he squats down.

"what are you doing sirius?" i start cracking up and this grown boy doing this!

"hop on my back, love" without zero complaining or punching him with that use of that nickname i get on his back. with that he carries me into the castle and i can't help to feel giddy about what's going to come next.

but.

if i could give you the moon,

i would give you the moon

[khodorkovskaya]

21.03.23

i remember this time around last year my friend from maths told me that she has "reverse" seasonal depression as in she gets depressed when it's spring/summer, instead of autumn/winter how it usually goes for most people. and i was baffled! how can you get depressed when days get longer, the sun gets warmer, trees start blooming, birds start singing, etc? in winter everything is dark and cold and gloomy, it makes sense to be a little depressed. but spring..?!

but this year i really feel her... ive been dreading the arrival of spring. because spring means warm weather and warm weather means going on walks and going on walks means going on walks with B. but this year there is no B. there's just me and my loneliness and my shitty nostalgia. and every time the sun shines a little too brightly or the birds sing a little too happily, i want to burst into tears. so all i want to do is stay inside and pretend it's still winter and im still in my comfortable warm cocoon because hey it's normal to stay inside and be alone when it's winter, right? but fuck. i go outside and want to kms.

this "reverse" seasonal depression thing has turned into paranoia. whenever im out and about in town, im constantly looking around myself, staring into the face of every passing stranger, convinced that i am going to bump into B. i can't sit still, i can't walk straight, no no no... i have to constantly be looking left and right, turning my head, always checking... and when i get a glimpse of some tall guy with dark hair or, worse, someone crouched on a bike, i get a manic adrenalin rush like oh my god it's him! but it's never him, of course.

what's worse is that that one lana song has gotten quite popular on instagram and it seems like every reel i watch has it. and that song takes me back to one particular moment with B.

every time i discover a new song i like, i listen to it on repeat until i get sick of it. and in spring of 2018 that song was "say yes to heaven". it already made me all teary eyed when i first heard it. there's something about it idk, it really touched me.

so it was the beginning of spring and B and i went for our usual walk in the countryside by the bridge. and we were talking about love and he started telling me about his ex. in a very neutral manner, nothing extraordinary, just like "this is how my first relationship went". and, sure, to him it felt like a story from the past. he was like what, 16 when it happened? and he was 29 when he was telling me about it. it was a typical first love story that everyone has, really nothing special. but to my teenage self it was the most heartbreaking thing i had ever experienced. i couldn't fathom the fact that B was my first love, but his first love was someone else.

i listened to his story, of course, and i was curious about it. her name was antoinette and they met at scouts. he seduced her by playing guitar. i don't know why but i had always imagined her with bright red hair. not as in ginger, but as in dyed cartoonish red hair. and a striped shirt with black skinny jeans. maybe it was because her name sounded so damn french that she absolutely had to have a stiped shirt in my imagination. but yeah, dyed red hair and bright red freckles. that was B's first love for me. when i came home that day, i listened to "say yes to heaven" and cried, imagining B being as innocently in love with her as i was with him, mourning the fact that he would never love me this way and how i could never be his first. and now whenever i hear that song, i think about 19 year old me crying and i want to cry again.

i later learned about B's other ex, meriç. this was a whole different story and at first i thought that it would be easier for me to digest. after all, they hadn't parted on good terms and B would often use her as a bad example. they were toxic, he said. but the more i thought about meriç, the worse i felt about myself. i couldn't get over the fact that B moved to turkey for her! and for me, well... i once mentioned the fact that i was thinking about going to another city for uni and B threw a tantrum. he would never sacrifice anything for me, i thought, he would never move to a different country for me. that meriç girl must've had something i didn't.

after giving it some thought, id made up my mind about meriç and drew a clear picture of her in my mind just like i had done with antoinette. my imaginary meriç was sexy. that's why he moved to turkey for her, i explained to myself. and toxic relationships are always extremely sexual, right? the whole fighting and making up and fucking thing. there's always a thrill, always a chase... men love that shit, right? meriç was exciting, feisty, sexually liberated. and when B would whine about me not wanting to do anal or being shy while giving him blowjobs, the thought of meriç would occupy my mind. she probably said yes to anal, i thought. she probably looked into his eyes while sucking his dick and im too fucking sexually useless to do any of this shit. that's why he moved to turkey for her and wouldn't want to move to a city that's 3 hours away for me.

and so there i was, the most boring and forgettable girlfriend. antoinette had the infatuation, the romance, the rush of first love. meriç had the thrill, the lust, the toxic passion. and me? well... no matter how many times B would tell me that i was the best he'd ever had, it would never get through to me. it frustrated me that we weren't on the same page. to me our relationship was exciting and firey and felt like destiny and i would get the strongest butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling while looking at him to the point of feeling intoxicated. and at the same time i would feel devastated and suicidal even when something would go wrong. it was full of ups and downs and crazy hormonal rushes. and to him it was his third serious relationship, calm and calculated, no hard feelings. "i feel so calm when im with you," he would tell me. and it felt like defeat.

i saw a picture of meriç once. i had to stalk her on facebook, of course i had! she looked quite similar to me actually, with a wave in her hair and full cheeks. at least that's what my bestie had pointed out because, of fucking course, i showed her the picture. it was only years later that B had told me that him and meriç had no sexual chemistry and it was quite frustrating. and maybe he lied, but i wish 19 year old me would've known that. she's married now. and so is antoinette. she has a daughter i think? or two. i don't know. but they've moved on. and i will move on from B. and he'll probably tell his next girlfriend about me. or not. who knows what he would say. and what she will think. will she imagine me with red hair and freckles? who knows.

[unfortunate--moth]

Milgranon, hello again 🫡

Been thinking about what genres everyone's first songs would be, don't mind meeee

Yuma - I'm feeling hyperpop, bright and flashy, to accompany the visuals of the mystery labyrinth. A very upbeat tone, and the song would show some of the mysteries being solved in the labyrinth- no other context though. Each chorus would go dark for a second and show him doing the sword slice before a culprit drops dead.

Halara - Here I'm thinking the type of noir, like the old kind of detective shows? Grim and bleak visuals, and would mainly focus on them coldly accepting money, solving mysteries and beating up those who get in their way. The particular murder I imagine for them is them getting particularly angry and beating a guy so hard they break his neck, so I'm thinking there'd be a lot of people suddenly twisting their head in the MV.

Desuhiko - Rock. Rock, I'm thinking kind of fast rock. The song would focus on the split second that he made an order that he wasn't qualified for and what was racing through his mind then. I'm thinking the song focuses on the split second nature of it, using really short fast notes, and it ends super abruptly, with no warning before the instruments fade out.

Fubuki - Pop, but the kind that sounds really trauma-dumpy. The song would keep looping in on itself, reaching the chorus before the main melody goes back around 20 seconds, but the time it goes back each time decreases. The notes would reach higher and higher in pitch each time the track loops as well. Just before it goes back each time, it would show the person dying, and each loop closes in on Fubuki's face, who grows more desperate alongside the rising pitch. The song would fade out with Fubuki exhausted and unable to go back any further, just staring at the body.

Vivia - Acoustic, definitely. It would show him just living his life for the most part, in dreary colours as he trudges along. Every so often the colour become even darker before the sounds become rough and the screen goes dark for a few seconds. Then the colours return to what they were and Vivia continues going about his day. The fourth time this happens, you're able to catch a glimpse of a knife and the screen goes dark before a flatline sound can be heard and the song ends.

Yakou - Lofi, and the MV is very heavy on symbolism. The first part of the MV shows him and a bird. He cares for the bird, lovingly protecting it and shielding it from any dangers. During this section however, the image keeps flashing to what looks like a man breathing heavily while holding a knife. Halfway through, there's an explosion and it cuts to Yakou, holding a knife while looking down at something. The bird is then shown dead on the floor, with Yakou standing over it and seemingly looking somewhere else. The rest of the MV is Yakou pacing around, while flashes of the dead bird and him holding a knife are shown.

If you have any questions about any of my ideas, please feel free to ask me btw :)

OOOHHH OOUGHGH HELLO MILGRANON THIS IS SO GOOD GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel like I can't comment too much about the music specifically because I'm honestly not very knowledgeable on music even though I love it. I love ALL of this though I can picture the visuals so clearly in my brain its GREAT you're very good at showing through words!!! I also agree with all the genres and I especially love the Fubuki one where it keeps repeating and getting more desperate. Also reading Yuma's immediately made me think about Nero's Day at Disneyland? That kind of vibe fits the Mystery Labyrinth I think!!!

Im also OBSESSED with the symbolism you have for Yakou's like omg... Actually all of the symbolism and the metaphors and such you used like its so sick!!! You're making me desperately wanting this to be real /lh

But yeah this is all GREAT thank you so much for sharing I can see all of this in my brain so vividly I love it I love it.

As for like... In this alternate world where the viewers wouldn't know the characters I'm going to like. give my best guess on what people would vote them as based only on what you gave me!!

Yuma: I feel like it would be very strange, especially since it would be the first one. But I can imagine it being everyone's immediate red flag when you can actually see him swinging his sword. If you took voice dramas into account I think that would make the voting even more complicated. So I think it would be very close but for the first round he'd be Innocent. Halara: I think it would be majority Guilty. They'd probably have some very dedicated fans though who are digging up the evidence to prove they're innocent and analyzing all of the people they get their money from and all of the people they beat up... But yeah I think it'd be majority Guilty. Desuhiko: This would be one of the more difficult ones. Like I feel like it has so little information on the surface if you don't already know what's happening. Especially if his disguises are also in play. Who is this unrelated guy? Is that his victim? Is it someone he knows? I don't think any of them would reveal their Fortes to Es and by extension the viewers so it'd be very hard to tell what's happening. And I think because of that for the first round he'd be voted Innocent because there just isn't enough info to condemn him for this first trial. Fubuki: Innocent for sure. I'm sure a small group would see her as guilty, but the viewers would probably pick up pretty quickly on how desperately she was trying to undo it and how it was most likely a mistake. I think added with whatever her Voice Drama would be would paint her in a VERY sympathetic light. so I think she'd be majorly voted Innocent. Vivia: Another one that is clouded in mystery. It doesn't tell us what exactly he did, why he did it, or what any of his motivation was. It just lets us know that, yes, he did in fact kill someone. I think the parts where it starts to go dark would be very heavily analyzed and could be taken in so many different ways by viewers. Taking the Voice Drama into account and how we talked about how he would be mostly honest but very very non descriptive. Everyone would just know that he wanted to live peacefully, and whoever it is he killed got in the way of that, but there isn't a lot of information. So all of that to say... I think it would be another close one, but ultimately he'd end up as Guilty. That said I think he'd be like a fan favorite. Yakou: I think with how symbolic his first MV would be, he'd also be very hotly debated among the fans. People would debate what the explosion means. If the explosion is what actually killed the bird and if the knife is a misdirect. But at the same time it very obviously shows him standing over that bird with a knife, so it's VERY easy to draw your own conclusions that whoever this bird represents must be his victim, because no one else appears in this specific MV. So that HAS to be his victim and he killed it, right? Did he mean to do it? No one really knows. But I think he'd be voted majority Guilty.

all of the fan theories would be WILD too like I can imagine all of the long tumblr analysis posts and theories and people pointing out details n stuff.

But if you agree or disagree with any of my reasoning please let me know!! This is so much fun to come up with I love seeing your asks and chatting about this!!!

[slightlystupidhun]

The One That Almost Stayed

A Quinn and Darlin fic that is based on the song, The One That Got Away, by the civil wars. It is set before Darlin meets Sam.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,

Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

TW: Cussing, Quinn, Hostility, Blood, Grooming, nonconsensual biting. This fic discusses serious issues Tank probably went through. Please viewer discretion is advised.

They ended the call with Naomi and knew exactly who had taken Declan. It was Quinn. The description Naomi gave was a perfect match. Why would Quinn go after Declan. They felt so sick, like they could lose their lunch right there. The feeling of dread sat in their stomach and they quickly tapped Quinn’s contact.

The phone Rang once, Twice, Three times, before Quinn finally picked up.

“Ahh Wolfie I’ve been waiting for your call~” his voice rang out melodically.

“Where’s Declan?”

“Tsk Tsk, right to the point as usual. I really wished you wanted to talk with me more, maybe I’d be more willing to let him go alive. Isn’t that right Declan?” Tank growled as they could hear Declan’s voice whine over the speaker.

“T…Tank.” Fuck he sounded so weak.

“Declan! Declan where are you?” They almost yelled into the speaker.

“Park… Im at the park!” He said quickly before they could hear Quinn hit him, a loud smack sounding across the phone speaker.

“I’ll Kill you!” Tank yelled running off in the direction of the park.

“Times running out Tank, his blood is such a pretty red, and he’s so adorable. It’s be a shame to see his trust in you go to waste.” With that he hung up the phone. Tank immediately ran for the wooded area and shifted.

They ran as fast as they could. There was only one possible park Quinn would have taken Declan to. It was the very park that they met up for, for their first date.

Tank ducked and weaved through the forest taking a short cut. The closer they got the more they could smell the iron scent of blood. They finally broke through into the open field and found Quinn on top of Declan. They barreled through and tackled Quinn away. The two rolled together on the damp grass and away from Declan. Tank immediately jumped up and bit Quinn while he was still laying on his stomach. They dragged him farther away from the unempowered human laying in the grass.

Quinn kicked and scratched before using his vampiric strength and throwing the wolf over his head. They slid across the grass field and yelped in pain. They growled and stood back up. They looked over at Declan and could see him slowly crawling away. Quinn must have seen that to because he took of for Declan. Fortunately Tank was closer and able to intercept. They growled and snapped at him while they stood over Declan.

Quinn looked them up and down, his mouth covered in Declan’s blood.

“You know the reason everyone around you keeps leaving you Wolfie? It’s because YOU are an issue. You cause problems. You get people hurt. You drive everyone away. You don’t deserve anyone and I’ll rip away every last person you care about to prove it to you!” Quinn yelled at them. He grabbed Tank by their front legs and pinned them to the ground.

He bent their leg in the opposite way of what it was supposed to go. They heard a loud crack and a surge of pain through their front leg. They snapped at him as he tried to straddle them. He began punching them so they shifted back to human to try to wiggle away from him. He was caught off guard and fell forward as they rolled behind him and shifted back to bite him. Before they could bite, however, he pulled them under him and pushed their head up so their neck was available. The wolf howled to get away from him when he bit.

He latched onto their neck, fangs sinking deep into their throat. Tanker bit him back exchanging blood with him. He parted due to the surge of pain from tankers bite. He scratched at their side deep. Tanker yelped as they scratched his eye with their paw. They bucked him off of them and turned over to jump back at him. He met them with a punch to their ribs in which a loud crack could be heard across the field. They saw him move his way over to Declan as they crumpled to the ground. In a final act of desperation they howled, louder and more frantic than they ever had before. Unable to keep up their wolf for any longer they shifted back to human.

They could hear a resounding response of different howls as Quinn looked up. He gritted his teeth and ran off before the others arrived. Tank crawled over to Declan making sure he was ok. He was breathing and still had a pretty strong pulse. Thank goodness he was gone. Tank first realized the department vehicles pulling up and the detectives getting out before Gabriel Shaw ran over to them. They had to be dead because there was no way it was him. But the figure looked so much like Gabe. Even that signature look of worry.

“Tank! Oh God Tanker! What happened?” He said as he knelt down beside them.

“Ga… Gabe? How’d you?” They saw the figure pause before lifting their head and holding it in his lap.

“It’s gonna be ok Tank. Don’t worry.” He let out. It’s funny, Gabe started smelling more and more like David. Weird.

Suddenly, their world started spinning and all they could see was black.

When they woke up they were in a new bed, the room was mostly white and everything smelt so… clean, like a hospital. When they finally got to look around they were face to face with David.

“Tank? How are you feeling?” He asked moving the chair closer to their bedside and grabbing their hand.

“David? What… What happened?”

“I was hoping you could tell me? Why didn’t you call before you went to attack Quinn?” He said gently.

“Oh.” They remembered everything. Remembered everything that Quinn said. Remembered the way he promised to take everyone from them. They couldn’t burden David with that. Not right now. “It was Quinn. He took my friend and attacked them… I got to the park and… I took care of him… he’s dead.” They said, their tone void of any emotion.

“Ok Tank. It’s gonna be ok. The pack and I-“

“David… Can I go… go to Washington…?” They said tears prickling at the corner of their eyes. “I think I need to go… to recover… so can I go?”

[juanitasupreme]

ykw im feeling messy today time to be divisive and rank blackpinks singles best to worst.

1. Du ddu du: best raps, had a atual dance break, the hype during that era was unparalleled this was their first global hit ,basically but them on bullet proof boyscouts level

2.boombayah: the girls had one chance to prove to their company they were the new it girls and they did. lisa's rap outsold. jennies rap outserved. rose was on the sliding on the floor jisoo was a visual all was well. birthed blackpink in your era and i cannot lie "i dont need a boy i need a man" had me gobsmacked

3.So hot remix: technically is a single and not a comeback but i said i was ranking singles so get off my dick. the only reason teddy hasnt given blackpink an actual comeback like this is because he's afraid of success? i guess? has one of the least cringe english raps in their discography. like theyd actually body this. this remix came in the middle of a drought and got more streams than the original song in months. absolutley insane. hell they could probably still release it, just give jisoo lines and add a dance break omg.

4. Sour candy: technically not even blackpinks song but lets be honest it is. well its rose's really and we all know out of the 4 girls rose and lisa are the only ones really trying anymore at this point. once again if bp had a song like this they would devour. it would top the charts (deservingly) the reason its not higher on the ranking is because lady gahgah is on there, sorry ma'am

5.Playing with fire: she gave. everything. choreo was engaging, lyrics were deep. raps were slaying. everyone sounded good and this is the last time all of the members were seen trying during live stages. if bp released a song like this today blinks would cry tears of joy.

6. love sick girls: their last truly amazing song theyve put out to date basically manufactured in a lab to be a hit and it was.

7.whistle: its odd seeing whistle divorced from her sister boombayah but im gonna be honest here she has strong line distribution, good rapping but jennies vocals on the chorus never rlly hit for me. she sounds like shes straining, especially the bridge. honestly in my opinion they shouldve kept the demo version iykyk

8. Stay: i feel like people forgot about her. this is the only time bp released a slow song as a single. its very christian horsegirl music which was perfect for rose. i wonder if bp wouldve been better off releasing songs like this and their regular uptempo dance pop songs so that way they would have more depth as a group. but that would require actual effort from yg. bp has such a obvious formula for a lot of their songs that even when they try to break it it ends up more of the same *see, shutdown*

10. sure thing cover: ok i know im fucking pushing this it wasnt even a single but im putting it here because bp couldve benefitted from having a song like this in their discography

11.forever young: on the technicality forever young was promoted on music shows i will count it as a single. shes ok. i put her over kiss and make up simply because she has a dance break

12. Kiss and make up: technically dula peepas song but bp did good so im keeping it here.

13. Ice cream: npt as bad as people say it is its just painfully basic and selena didnt rlly add much but i digress.

14.pink venom: as soon as i heard it i knew they were going for early 2000s late 90s throwback vibes so i didnt hate it like everyone else what can i say i have the mind of a mastermind it was still a let down after waiting so long for a single though

15.as if its your last: i know the pinks hate this song it was the only new thing they had to perform for like two years.

16.ready for love: whew the hype for this song died so fast. its not even bad just forgettable

17. shut down: i will give the song this, the lyrics actually are catchy. the melody of the chorus was stuck in my head after the 2nd listen which is strange since its a lackluster song. rapper jisoo showed up which was a welcome surprise. the english raps left a lot to be desired.

18. awesome screen awesome camera: yes i put an ad with just lisa and rose here to make the number on the list even, and yes this samsung jingle is still better than kill this loveand hylt

19. kill this love: the first time(and not the last) i remember being truly disappointed by a bp comeback.

20. how you like that: ....

[all-we-know-is-falling]

OK trying again!!

hey im BEGGING to know more about alejo's gfs as individuals! i know a bit about jenifer but the children crave nieves and penélope

ty ily <33

I have more to say about Penélope, so I'll answer about her for now.

Penélope and Alejo

Penélope met Alejo in 2016 when they were both around 20 years old. They didn't really have much of a friendship period before they got together, but they got on really well. Penélope loved Alejo's funny personality and she loved how he could convince her to come out of her shell a little bit. She's kind of a quiet girl, perhaps a little reserved, although she isn't exactly shy. She just prefers sitting comfortably in her living room with a good book or something to binge watch on Netflix than heading out to a bar or anything like it. This is why her relationship with Alejo seemed a little out of nowhere, since he was barely ever inside his house at the time. To Penélope, though, anything was better than what she had going on.

Before any of this, she had another boyfriend who she had been dating for quite some time, having spent her final couple teen years with him. She felt very ignored by him. He didn't know a thing about her anymore, not her favourite colour, not her favourite song, not even that she preferred silver jewellery over gold. He would spend less and less time with her, leaving her on her own with nothing to do, and he didn't appreciate the effort she put into keeping their relationship going. Penélope suspected that he was sleeping with other girls, or something, which was a horrible thought that made her feel sick. Either that or he was bored of her. Instead of moping about, she decided to push herself to go out without him, with the help of her closest friends to keep her from chickening out of it. She assured them that it wasn't her intention, but perhaps it really was that she wanted to meet somebody new and that she wanted to see what other options were available to her. Penélope didn't think she had it in her to cheat, but she'd be proven wrong once Alejo strolled into her life at just the right time.

The first time they met was at a bar, they simply chatted about whatever was on their minds. Or at least they tried the best they could to talk over the music and the chatter around them. Their personalities and interests matched very well, and they exchanged numbers so that they could speak again. Penélope didn't tell Alejo about her boyfriend.

They met again another night, this time Penélope was without her friends. They were flirty with each other the entire time. The next time was similar, the time after that they decided to meet at Penélope's place... Quickly, their relationship became not only physical but romantic, Alejo only just learning of her boyfriend after they shared their first kiss. Penélope felt that secretly meeting Alejo behind her boyfriend's back was enough of a reason to finally dump him. She wanted to be with Alejo properly because he treated her so much better. So, she did just that and left her boyfriend for him. This was undoubtedly a good decision for her, since she no longer had to put up with such a useless and affectionless guy anymore. This was the happiest and freest she had felt in a long time.

Over the next months, Penélope and Alejo spent a lot of time together. They used every day free from work to see each other whether they were outside or indoors, and used Saturday nights to their advantage where they'd get drinks and stay out late. It was the most consistently that Penélope had ever been on nights out in her life. She kind of loved it, which she didn't expect at first that she would. He made her feel seen and heard. He was kind to her and he gave her little gifts that he picked knowing that she would like them. Cute earrings, bracelets and rings, little plushies and badges. Small things, but meaningful things. He made her laugh so easily and he said the right things that kept her smiling. They'd watch movies together that they both enjoyed.

At some point, her friends had asked her once or twice if she thought that maybe her relationship was moving a little too fast. She thought about it and told them that, yes, they were moving things along quickly, but that she didn't think it was anything to be concerned about. After all, she was happy, and isn't that what mattered the most? Their concerns were valid, but she wasn't concerned herself.

Penélope started noticing a change in Alejo later in the year, around the beginning of spring. However, that's only when she noticed. In truth, this had started before she had even met him, but she wouldn't know that. She noticed that Alejo had been drinking more heavily, he would sometimes call her and she would have to try and decipher slurred words, or he would come over to her place smelling strongly of alcohol. He also seemed distant and she couldn't tell how he was feeling. Alejo would still kiss her but it felt more like an obligation than a choice. They would still have sex but Penélope began to feel as though it was meaningless. They went out less, Alejo always seemed 'busy' with something, (it felt like a terrible case of déjà vu) but Penélope knew that nine times out of ten he was probably just hungover or had slept in for half of the day, or both. She was genuinely concerned about him, regardless of how he made her feel, and she would try to get him to speak to her about it but he would brush it off claiming that nothing had changed, or he would get weird and defensive. She didn't like this anymore.

Penélope did not want this to be like how her last relationship had been, she debated it over and over in her head if she really wanted to break up with Alejo or not. She confided in her friends, almost ashamed to admit that they had been somewhat right about him. Of course, they told her that she had to break up with him, otherwise she'd be stuck just like last time. She listened to them for once, but she couldn't help but feel such an overwhelming guilt about it. Surely it wasn't right that she should leave Alejo when he was clearly in such a vulnerable state? She felt selfish for it, and maybe she was, but she didn't know what else to do. He wouldn't accept her support, he wouldn't even admit he had a problem. She couldn't help somebody who wasn't willing to help themself.

By the end of the year, Penélope was not with Alejo anymore. She decided to focus on herself for a while.

[cherry-flavoured-dreams]

Felt like re rating the clancy album 2 months later after release because I've listened to each song like 100 times now and can definitely tell u how I feel about each

Over all how much I like the album 9/10

The songs in my order of favourite:

1. Next semester - This song has such a special place in my heart, the lyrics + the music are great and I have like a few core memories related to this song, it actually started snowing hard here which NEVER happens when I first heard this song and I went outside and the ending of the song started playing and I was so in awe at how beautifully it was timed. Then I heard this song at the concert in London 9th May literally best day of my life I still can't believe I actually met them and they signed my sketchbookkkkk. And then yea just the entire part "ooooo can't change what you've done start fresh next semester" I literally levitate to heaven every time i hear it 10/10 song

2. At the risk of feeling dumb - literally SO GOOD it's so good literally both the message and the song itself are so perfect I love it sm

3. Navigating - YEAAAAAA bro the amount of hype and energy I feel the second I hear this song and the guitar and drums I JUST AAAAA HELL YEAAAAAA and then the way he sings "My oh my" IS SO GOOD AND NICE TO LISTEN TO? banger song

4. Routines in the night - I GROOOOOVE to this song my god it's so good I can't believe that navigating and routines in the night are some of Tyler's least favourite songs he wrote on this album literally HELLO WHAT thank you josh for making him keep them on the album because I can't imagine a universe without these songs I think I'd die I love routines in the night it's literally perfect for listening to while walking around at night

5. Midwest Indigo - okok this is SO specific but it reminds me of kids by kyle Dixon and Michael stein from stranger things but instead of it being a warm summer vibe it's a cold winter version of it? LOL IDK I love it though, especially the silly little "What's your ETA? 2 MINUTES! Chill out man we're right on time" it's great. Plus I in general find the song very relatable so it's high up here on the list.

6. Snap back - THE WAY HE SINGS "I have seem to run out of excuses as to why I am this is way" UGHHH I LOVE IT but no yea this song is really nice to listen to when Im in a low mood and keep over thinking. The melody is so simple but his voice enhances it by like 1000%

7. Backslide - I actually find it very similar to snap back in terms as to why I listen to it a lot, I like how he isn't afraid to make songs about things like this. I think the lyrics "I should of loved you better do you think that nows the time you should let go?" unintentionally helped me get through a really tough period of my life I've had recently, just in general this song was too perfect for the situation I was in.

8. Overcompensate - BANGERRRRRRR AAAAA 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 I absolutely love the build up in the beginning and the drop it reminds me so much of jumpsuit

9. Paladin strait - oh my god OK another really specific reason I love this song - I literally maladaptive daydream 24/7 no over exaggerating, and this song I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS but around the 2:46 mark when it starts building up my daydreaming just kicks in so goddam hard I have such a vivid OC animatic in my head to this song (I honestly do to most songs I listen to) but boyyyy MmMMMMM this one hits hard and good. Ok anyway the song itself I love it, especially the ending part I wish there was a whole ukulele version where he sings the whole song like that.

10. The craving jennas version - ok this is funny because I used to dislike this song and would skip it, not because the song is bad, it's beautiful and absolutely adore it especially now that stuff has changed in my life, but because I wasn't able to listen to any love songs without feeling sick and upset. Now that I'm better I absolutely love listening to it, it's such a beautiful song and you can really see how much he loves his wife

11. Oldies station - I LOVE listening to this when I'm travelling on a bus or a train and just seeing the cars and city go by, i really feel like I've grown as a person and understand the song so well.

12. Vignette - I actually never go out of my way to listen to this one, not sure why, I'll happily let it play it's good but I just literally prefer every other song

13. Lavish - This is gonna get me killed but never have I once ever disliked a song by TOP... Except lavish I'm sorry I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS I JUST CANT LISTEN TO IT IT'S THE ONLY REASON THE ALBUM IS A 9/10 FOR ME and i wish I could like it because it's literally like a meme within the fandom and I love the music video but the song itself I just skdhdhdjsksbf I DON'T KNOW yea I apologise it's not my thing 😔😔😔

Yea in conclusion BANGERRRRR 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️