#in addition i'm scared of what it might look like to the people i'm hoping will hire me if someone from the employment agency calls them

[theflyingfeeling]

aaaarrghghgh 😭

[prismatic-bell]

I've got a question (as per your post saying questions are welcome.) I hope you'll forgive me if I word things wrong and feel free to let me know so I can avoid doing it again.

So, I never really knew what Zionism was and I feel like I still barely know. Before I looked into it, all I had ever heard was people saying it with venom. From the way they spoke, I just assumed it meant something very aggressive and violent. To my knowledge SOME are violent but it doesn't seem accurate to say that Zionism is inherently violent or evil. I'm sure there's more I should know; It feels like I only barely, barely know the basics. In addition to any insights you might have in general, I guess I'd like to know: Is the Two-State solution technically Zionist, since Israel would continue to be a self-governing state? Am I Zionist or Zionist-ish if I believe in Jewish Indigeneity (while also believing in the indigeneity of the Palestinian people because more than one population can be indigenous to the same place.)

Also, and I apologize if it's inappropriate to make comparisons like this, it feels like the term "Zionist" is sort of used how "Communist" was used in Red Scare USA? It feels like it doesn't even mean anything other than "enemy" and is used to elicit a strong emotional reaction.

I want to learn more so that I don't perpetuate any stereotypes or continue in my ignorance. I'd also love any recommendations on books about Jewish History or the Levant! edenfenixblogs inspired me to read more about Jewish history with the recommendation of Night by Elie Wiesel, and I'd like to continue learning history beyond the Holocaust, too.

So first, your comparison of “Zionist” to “Communist re 1950s” is so spot-on I can’t believe I haven’t heard it before now. I just want to get that out front so I don’t forget later (ADHD goes whee).

So “Zionism” is sort of like “queer” in that it means a lot of different things to different people, but has core things that will always be true. Those things are thus:

1) the Jewish people are indigenous to the Levant;

2) many (though not all) Jews were forced to leave historic Israel and Judea due to Greek and Roman conquest and colonization, and this has gone poorly enough for us over the last two millennia that it’s clear we will not be safe until we have self-determination in our own country;

3) by virtue of being our ancestral and indigenous homeland, that country should be in the Levant.

That’s it, that’s Zionism.

I do want to point out there are Zionists who twist the word into pretzels in order to justify being horrible to others, particularly Palestinians. While I won’t no-true-Scotsman these people into not being Zionists, I will say they’re Zionists the same way the Taliban are technically Muslim. They’ve latched onto an otherwise-neutral label in order to have a bludgeon. That is not what Zionism should be, and for the majority of Zionists, it’s not.

[k0komis]

hello! i really loved your hcs about having a lover sensitive to cold and i was wondering if i could get the same thing but with alhaitham and heizou :) have a nice day !

❦ Having a Lover sensitive to Cold (II) ❦

Pairing: Reader with Al-Haitham, Heizou and Diluc (separately)

A/N: I'm glad you liked the previous part! I'm more than happy to provide you with more characters!! Saying so, hope you don't mind me adding Diluc because 'the Rule of Three' ~

Warnings: Established Relationships, Al-haitham and Diluc are smooth bastards, I used Heizou's birthday art I'm sorry

-

.｡.:*♡ At first, you were self conscious that your boyfriend Al-Haitham might judge you due to your weakness to the cold. You tried to hide it from him, pretending to be busy or distracted when it came to anything cold.

.｡.:*♡ Of course, you should've known it was never possible to hide anything from the Scribe himself. He caught you in your act and had got suspicious of you.

.｡.:*♡ When you sheepishly told him that you were just weak to the cold, a smile painted his face- the most rare sight on Tevyat.

.｡.:*♡ He had simply shaken his head, gently scolding you for scaring him like that. He later gave you the biggest lecture on how it is completely normal and valid to not like the cold.

.｡.:*♡ He was careful about learning your comfort zones and would always visit you during Sumeru winters to make sure you were healthy.

.｡.:*♡ When one day you greeted him with a sore throat, he was very unpleased and a sense of protectiveness enveloped him.

"You are NOT doing anything labour intensive today." He commanded you, checking your temple for any signs of fever. You huffed, he had already told you that ten times before.

"Who's cooking then, you?"

The look he gave you felt almost mocking.

"I'll go grab something from Puspa Cafe, silly." He remarked, before picking you up bridal style.

"Weakening yourself like this will prove to be a great tactical advantage for your enemies," He said, "And anyway... Guess what?"

You looked up at him, hands wrapped around his torso. He leaned closer to your face and whispered, "Only I'm allowed to make your throat sore."

The heat that rose to your cheeks was enough to combat the cold outside.

.｡.:*♡ Being a detective was very demanding. One thing people rarely talked about was about how you need to run from place to place to gather even the tiniest of leads or clues. Being Heizou's partner in many cases meant you had to often go to these locations in his place.

.｡.:*♡ Heizou had noticed how there were specific places you simply refused to go to. He had noticed these places were mostly wintery lands. At first he had concluded maybe you had something personal against Snezhnaya and the Cryo Archon.

.｡.:*♡ But when he found out you were reluctant to indulge in cold foods too, he finally understood that you had problem with the temparature itself.

.｡.:*♡ He absolutely adored teasing you to hell for it, albeit making sure you were okay with it at first. But at the end of the day he was very gentle and caring for you too.

.｡.:*♡ He loved buying you a cold drink and then warming it by holding it between his palms. He remarked how it was "warmed with his affection".

Heizou had brought you over to Tomoki's stall. Apparently he had made a new drink in addition to his dango-milk. It was some form of creamy slushie.

"Are you sure about this?" You asked him, tightening your shawl around your body. He laced his fingers through yours, giving you a warm smile.

"Trust the detective." He winked.

As usual, he ordered one large serving, for you two would generally share the same drink. He didn't mind his cold drink being warm at all, he just wanted you to be safe.

You leaned on his shoulder and watched him warm up your drink. You smiled, and promptly placed a kiss to his cheek. He did the cute thing where he'd pout after any pda.

"I appreciate you so much, love." You murmured.

.｡.:*♡ Diluc undeniably owned the concept of warmth and fire. You felt relieved knowing that whatever may come, your boyfriend will always be able to protect you.

.｡.:*♡ When you had told him your fear for the cold, it had reminded him of the harsh winter scape of Snezhnaya, and he had embraced you in the tightest hug ever.

.｡.:*♡ Sometimes winters in Mondstadt got too cold, and in those days Diluc would unapologetically take all his days off to spend time with you in the Dawn Winery.

.｡.:*♡ He'd have you sitting on his lap, his vision making his body slightly warm so that you fit snug on his chest. You loved hearing his heartbeat echo in your mind.

.｡.:*♡ He appreciated how you coming into his life made his vision hold a much more higher value to him.

.｡.:*♡ His kisses were direct on your lips, fiery and passionate. It made you feel hot inside, not that you were complaining.

Night light poured in through the big windows on Dawn Winery. You were in Diluc's embrace, slowly dancing to the rythm of the music gently playing in the background. Nothing seemed to matter in that moment except the eye contact you two held.

He lifted you up by your hips, spinning you around him once, twice, before you were all giddy and giggling, begging him to stop.

You laughed and kept you head on his chest as he smiled and caressed your hair. How he enjoyed the soft silence that hung in the air. There was no tension, no past grievances he had to worry about.

[munchkin1156]

I have fallen (but have faith, for I shall rise once more)

. . .

Borrower Techno with rest of sbi as god's? More likely than you think :D

2.2k words for part one, definitely going to make a part two because I'm not about to LEAVE y'all on a cliffhanger like that.

(Cw: Blood, injuries, mention of death (non happens) swearing, angst, accidental fearplay and Techno passes out due to blood loss.)

Hope you enjoy my (technically) first addition to the mcyt g/t community from my user!

. . .

Technoblade wasn’t like other borrowers.

Other borrowers didn’t have voices in their heads, who screamed at him for blood, grew emotionally attached to the most random things, or know things that helped him evade capture multiple times.

Other borrowers didn’t have memories that never existed, searing into his brain at moments when he loses themselves, of friendships with beings of power, of him being a being of power, of falling from the clouds for a crime he did not do.

When his sword is stained red from those who wronged him, then in his head it rings. When the voices, or as he called them, Chat, started chanting. It never made sense, what they chanted.

Blood for the blood god

And it scared him, not knowing what it meant. But he couldn’t dwell on it now, just like he couldn’t dwell on it yesterday. He was a borrower, and that meant he needed to borrow.

Techno stepped outside of the comfort that was the shelter that he had been using for the past week. Being a wandering borrower, he didn’t have a home, exactly. He wandered from place to place, travelling lightly and swiftly, being able to escape at a moment's notice.

He had bases in some places, so he could restock and rest for a bit, but he was exploring a new area and that came with the consequence of not knowing where safety lay, so if a bean were to see him, he might not be able to get out of there fast enough.

But it wouldn’t come to that. Techno was an amazing borrower, and his motto was literally ‘Technoblade never dies’. He started walking through the long grass, humming to himself. He wouldn’t get caught, he was certain of it.

So why did he feel so uneasy?

. . .

“Hey- Hey! Stop it!” He whispered, whipping his sword out as an act of defence. The crow squawked defiantly but didn’t stop trying to pick him up with its beak.

Techno groaned. Crows were always nice to him, and they were one of the few things that gave him those memories other than blood. 

Memories of black wings surrounding him, feeling safety and warmth, and when he looked into those eyes-

Other things that did this were music, especially guitars or discs, the colour red, and that one statue. It had been in some rich fucker’s garden, and from what he had overheard the people in it were gods, whatever that was.

Their names, according to the beans he had been eavesdropping on, were Philza, Angel of Death, a golden blonde man with large black crow wings, a fatherly expression on his face as he stared at Soot, the god of music and chaos, a brunette who was laughing and ruffling the hair of Innit, god of discs and the wilderness.

And, standing a little bit away from the others, was a statue with its head gone. According to one of the beans, it was because they had been banished from the kingdom above, for a crime so terrible, and therefore been erased from history.

He also heard them say that it turned out to be an accident, that DreamXD, had framed him. But by that time it was discovered, it was too late, and he had been cast down, though it is said those three gods still search for him, in the hopes that they could bring him back.

They said his name was Blade, the god of war and blood. And that’s how he got his name. 

Technoblade.

And, another funny thing is, no matter how hard he sees those gods as Philza, Soot, and Innit, like the man described, some hidden part of his mind changes that to Phil, Wilbur, and Tommy. But that was beside the point.

The point was, that no matter how nice the crows were to him, they kept trying to take him somewhere.

Usually, they’d stop if he complained or shouted, or drew his sword (never intending to kill, just to scare them off) and they’d stop. But this one was even more persistent, and Techno realised now that he’d either have to fight it (something he would like to avoid if possible, he liked crows and they sometimes brought him gifts) or run.

He chose the latter, dashing to the side the moment the crow grabbed him. It squawked in outrage and Techno realised that it couldn’t chase after him on foot, with its legs like sticks. Birds were meant to fly, not walk.

‘Looks like I win this time, eh?’

He thinks, grinning to himself. The crow that he escaped from cawed loudly, and he only had a split second to wonder what that could mean before another crow SWOOPS down out of nowhere and yoinks (he’s not even sure what that word means but it seems about right for this situation) him up in its claws.

He had jinxed it. Techno didn’t believe in superstition, but he was certain that was what had happened.

The pinkette struggled in the crow's grasp, desperate to get free before it took him to… Well, wherever it was taking him. But it was no use. He wondered why it was so determined to bring him wherever it was going. Techno supposed he’d find out, soon enough.

Eventually, after a few minutes of flying, the borrower noticed something very, very strange. The crow was taking him up. And by that, he meant really, really high up. The world below was barely visible, as they went higher and higher, through the clouds.

And once they came out of the clouds, Techno couldn’t believe his eyes.

“The kingdom above… Fucking hell it’s real…”

He muttered to himself in awe. It was made out of pristine white shining material that might’ve been made out of the clouds themselves, with magical glowing lanterns floating in the air.

Techno’s first thought was that it belonged to the ruler of this kingdom, or at least some kind of person in power, I mean it was so fine and well-kept that it had to be, right? Wrong.

On closer inspection, he realised that the people walking down below were… Normal. This was a normal town here, and these were normal civilians.

The crow flew past it though, taking Techno with it. Its wingbeats never slowed, and it showed no sign of tiredness. This was no ordinary crow, he was sure of it.

And this was no ordinary place. Chat had stopped talking altogether, and his mind felt as if it was his own, at last. It was as if someone wanted him to be peaceful, but that was silly since he was literally getting kidnapped by a bird.

What a great day Techno was having, right?

Aaaaand now the crow was flying down, towards three people that looked awfully familiar, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it and then-

Oh fuck that’s Philza, Soot and Innit. He’d recognize them anywhere, after the incident with the statue. Oh, he’s fucked. He’s going to die, oh stars he needs to get out of this mess-

‘But aren’t the gods his family?’

He brushed that thought off with a shudder. Why on earth did he keep thinking stuff like that!? It didn’t make any sense, and you better believe that he was gonna get to the bottom of this.

Not today though. He was about to get caught by some of the most powerful beings in the entire universe, and he’d actually rather not. He valued his life, after all. So he did what any self-respecting borrower would do and fucking stab the bird.

Techno hadn’t particularly wanted to stab the crow. As he might’ve mentioned before, he liked crows. There just hadn’t been another choice. 

And it had worked.

The crow dropped him with a screech, alerting the three gods immediately. Their gazes fell on the bleeding crow who flew over to them with a lot of effort and landed on Philza’s outstretched arm. It healed almost instantly.

But the pinkette didn’t know any of this, because he happened to be falling when that situation had played out. And when Techno hit the ground, he felt his body scream out in pain and his head ring in agony.

The world around him felt loud and blurry. His head seemed to be sticky with what he could only assume was blood. He forced himself to stand, he needed to get out of here, needed to be safe-

Chat was back now,  just as incoherent and jumbled as his thoughts, and from what he managed to make out, delusional. They kept saying something about… Dadza? Who the hell was- Oh. Wait what!?

So Chat was no help. 

Techno winced. He couldn’t think, everything was just so loud and it hurt so damn much and he couldn’t understand and oh fuck did one of the Gods? beans just spot him and oh no they’re all walking towards him now.

The borrower’s eyes widen, and he couldn’t help but shrink back as the three gods towered over him, eyeing him over with such a strange expression of hope and longing that made Techno wonder if he actually was delusional.

The silence was broken when one of the gods, Innit, spoke up, voice breaking slightly and eyes glazed, as if holding back tears.

“Holy shit… Is it him? Like, really him?”

Philza responded, managing to sound calm and yet so desperate that it made Techno’s cold heart shatter, though he was not sure why.

“I don’t know Tommy (wait WHAT-), why don’t we ask him instead of talking over his head?” The angel of death suggested, and now they were all staring at him again, possibly even more intensely than before.

“So,” Philza said curiously. “Who are you, why did you stab my crow and why did it try to bring you here?”

There was no malice in his voice, it was just confusion and subtle amusement, but that just made Techno’s nerves worse. The only reason he could think of that would involve the god being amused about his half-dead state was-

Oh fuck, were they going to torture him?

“I’m Technoblade,” He said, after a few moments of hesitation. The pinkette ignored the sharp gasp of air from above, acting like he didn’t hear it, because he did not want to think of why the god might be shocked, and instead continued.

“I stabbed your crow because I was about to get seen (and look how that ended up) and I have no clue why it brought me here.” Techno knew it was not a smart idea to lie to a god, and he was anything but stupid. His injuries throbbed painfully, but the gods either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

Techno wasn’t about to guess which one…

After a very long while (in which Techno was trying his absolute hardest not to die on the spot) Soot spoke up. “So that’s a- a yes, then? It’s him?” He asked, voice cracking slightly. “Yes, Wilbur, (WHAT THE FUCK) It’s really him.”

The borrower didn’t have time to question what in the world he meant by that, because at that moment  Philza reached down, and Techno realised what was about to happen a second too late.

He scrambled backwards as the hand came towards him, absolutely terrified out of his wits, but the god paid no mind to that, plucking him off the ground by his waist easily. 

Techno struggled in his grasp but fell limp almost immediately. There was no way he was escaping from Philza, even though he wanted to, and besides, it just made his injuries worse. The tight grip the god had him in didn’t help either.

“What do you want from me!?”

He shouted, glaring at the gods, though it quickly fell as he remembered how easily they could crush him. Soot made a small noise (pity?) but he ignored it. “You- you really don’t remember us?” Asked Innit, with a look of despair on his face.

‘Remember you? I’ve never seen you before in my life!’ 

Not in this one you haven’t.

 Responded one of the voices, before it faded back into the clutter of noise. “Chat?” Philza asked, and Techno almost responded with ‘Yeah, it’s making no sense…’ when he remembered that he never told them about Chat.

Something clicked behind Soot’s eyes, and he spoke up. “So you really don’t know who we are… Right?” Techno nodded. Where exactly was (Wilbur) Soot going with this? “So that means…” “Means what? I’m not about to sit around all day waiting while you give me half-formed answers,” the borrower responded, with more challenge in his tone than was wise.

It’s not like you could stop them from doing that…

Said another one of those loud voices unhelpfully. ‘Thanks a lot…’ He thought to himself irritatedly and stared at Soot expectantly, which was harder than it seemed because his eyes kept unfocusing, and the corners of his vision were blurry and stained red. ‘Blood?’

“Listen, Technoblade, I don’t know what species you think you are, but…” He hesitated again, before continuing.

“You're a god, and our brother, at that.” Soot paused, and then started saying something more. “I’m so glad we finally found you, we’ve-”

But Techno didn’t get to hear what they’d done, the blood loss had finally caught up to him, and he passed out, darkness now surrounding him as he finally drifted into a dreamless sleep.

. . .

Aaaaaand that's it, folks! Great ending we got there, right? Hope you liked it :] Big thanks to Beckyu for helping me choose how to end it, and start next chapter.

That reminds me...

@i-am-beckyu and @brick-a-doodle-do, thank you for wanting to be tagged! If you want to be tagged, comment, ask or dm me and I'll add you! :D

Bye for now!!!

[reasonsforhope]

Thank you, stranger, for making this blog. You are truly a kind, beautiful soul. Thank you for existing for the world. Many of us appreciate you!!!! Thank you!!!!! /vvvvvvvgen

...now to me. I'm sorry for adding for your huge askbox as is, genuinely...

I naturally, without thinking, don't act like my real personality because it's been shunned dozens of times across my entire life. It's not fundamentally flawed (I know that, 100%--we all have flaws, ad I absolutely wasn't a terrible person for expressing them). Nonetheless, all I know is that the person I act like everyday of my life since I finally snapped and started doing this whole thing two years ago -- almost three -- is not who I really am. You know when you put on a shoe that, while your foot can fit inside and you can walk around just fine, you know it's just not your size because it doesn't feel right at all? That's me and my "personality"...people thought I was weird when I showed my genuine personality. I was just...pretty different than most. some comments I've got on my old personality:

"You're ...... Weird." (said with a thinly hid derogatory tone)

"Stop. You're not one of us."

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Sensitive. No one likes you."

And the one that finally made me snap:

"Stupid." (the person who said this then continued top he conversation as normal. Not acknowledging my stunned reaction.)

In addition, for a couple months I got treated like a dog. A literal dog.

I basically got treated like an outcast.

I know the personality I've left buried for so long has grown on its own, with me. It wasn't totally neglected and in fact is still here. It's just hidden behind this mask...which I can't take off. Because I literally don't know how. It's become such a habit to be someone else that I don't even fully, consciously know who I genuinely am today...it's hard. I hurt. A lot. I'm terrified of being vulnerable in any way, now. Just curled up in a shell.

...what am I to do? Where am I even going to begin? I feel lost. All I know, in the depths of my heart, that there is hope. There is always hope yet. That is something I've always known.

So what now? I'm scared, tired, and unsure. Is there anything I can do, anymore, at all? To figure out, and then be, who I know I am, deep down?

Thank you for reading, if you did. From the bottom of my heart--thank you. Thank you.

Sincerely,

#🎈🌠🐘

<3 <3 <3

Thanks so much <3 And fwiw for anyone wondering, it's not HUGE huge, I've got like 45 asks and dms to get to, but it still feels pretty big for me, a person who has def never had that happen before. Hoping to try to answer a batch of 2-4 of them on the weekends

Also, in terms of the rest of it.... Sorry if I'm overstepping, and definitely not to do that "diagnose people over the internet shit," but have you ever looked into whether you might be autistic or some other flavor of neurodivergent. Because as an autistic person, I see a Lot of my own experiences in what you've written

Regardless of whether you have or not, and whether you're autistic or not, I definitely know what it's like to deal with that kind of shit and bullying, and how trying to mask your own differences can twist you up inside. I had a problem with compulsively lying for a while in high school because of how ingrained "covering for myself" became - so I get how unsettling it feels when this shit becomes something you can't consciously control

Because there's so much overlap, I'd actually recommend looking into books and resources from the autistic community in masking and the difficulty of unmasking, regardless of whether you're autistic or not. A lot of the traumas are similar, too, so if you're at that level of "burying," I really think you'll be able to get something out of it no matter what

(This applies to anyone reading this who has also had to deal with that kind of shit or has found themselves doing something similar.)

Also, you should definitely look into trauma work (and "complex PTSD") and see if there's anything helpful to you there--there's a lot of really effective, evidence-based stuff out there about how to untangle your nervous system, because that kind of social rejection and isolation is absolutely/inherently traumatizing

Some Resources

Masking stuff:

Seven Steps to Unmasking as a Neurodivergent Person

What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? from Healthline

Autism Masking: To Blend or Not to Blend from Healthline

This is an assessment for social masking. It's written about autism, but I think a good amount of it would be applied to other types of masking like this.

Trauma stuff:

What Is Rejection Trauma? from TherapyMantra

Healing from Rejection Trauma from CPTSDFoundation.org

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

And if none of that helps you...there's definitely a lot of other stuff out there. There's things like journaling, which are a huge help with this sort of thing. Figuring out who you are underneath it all takes time and feels super weird and it's not easy, but I have faith you can do it. Don't give up, just keep moving forward

[circular-bircular]

I hope it's alright to ask a question like this! As a system who hopes to work with children in the future, I'd like to ask if you've found that having childhood trauma affects how you work with kids or how it feels to work with them. We get scared a lot that working with kids might somehow trigger us or make us feel unhappy just because we had a bad childhood, and while I know you and I do not have the same childhood and probably won't have the exact same experiences I think asking someone about this could give us some good insight :) However I know that this could be maybe an uncomfy question? so please don't feel like you're under any obligation to answer!!! I hope you have an amazing day!!!! - Sleepy of @endless-hourglass

I'm so sorry it took me so long to get back to you! I joined a group blog recently and my inbox got absolutely buried!

Childhood trauma has absolutely impacted my ability to teach kids. It's been... so terrifying and so interesting and so useful, being the way I am. I'm actually going to plug this under the cut, because it can be intense, looking into all this, and I'm also about to RAMBLE. Teaching and how trauma impacts people are the two biggest passions of mine to discuss.

Trauma has impacted how I teach massively. I will say, teaching is absolutely my passion, and I adore my job. I'm so happy I get to be there for these kids, that I get to take care of them and help them grow and become better people.

Note: TW for trigger talk, trauma mentions, and mentions of depression, sui, and sh.

It is also hard as shit and I amaze myself each day for being able to handle this garbage.

Teaching in a school is absolutely triggering. You have to deal with ableism constantly, reminders of your past that you'd rather forget about, and kids being kids. Sometimes, it's not even shit you can help. I've had students who share the name of one of my abusers, many times, and just seeing that name was enough to make me dissociate horribly.

... However.

That does not make it inaccessible. It just means you have to adapt.

At work, the majority of staff (and by that I mean, those who speak with me and the relevant administration) know that I have "memory problems" and need "additional reminders." If ever asked, or if I felt the need to share, I've mentioned that I have a "mental disorder that impacts memory acquisition." I've been incredibly upfront about having autism, and I've shared with a handful of teachers that I have "an incredibly severe/what is considered one of the most severe trauma disorders." One teacher knows I have dissociative identity disorder -- she's a bestie of mine.

The reason I shared these things? Accommodations. My work has been incredibly happy to work with me, particularly because it's obvious I'm willing to do what needs to get done to not only appease the standards, but do my best for the students. I take this shit seriously, I get good results, and so they need me to stay. If that means sending a few more reminder emails than is usually expected, all the better.

This, obviously, doesn't cover for everything. I can call my administrator to get 5 minutes out of class because, "I'm triggered right now and need a breather," but that doesn't negate the effects of the trigger on me, and I still need to handle it. So I do. That's the beautiful thing about teaching for me: I can not only learn to handle my shit, but I can teach the kids how to handle theirs.

For instance: The student I had with my abusers name. I saw it and I immediately dissociated pretty harshly. I couldn't handle seeing her name. It hurt too badly and brought out our protector (who, funny enough, hates teaching. He deals with it since we all enjoy it, though).

So, here's what I did: I got good. No, literally. I mean, it would've been horrific for that poor child if I asked her to use a nickname in my class, or if I avoided her name entirely. People deserve to be called by their names. So I worked on overcoming that trigger. I meditated, I spoke with my parts, I spoke with my therapist, and I internalized, processed, and compartmentalized the shit I'd been through.

This doesn't mean the trigger doesn't affect me anymore. It sometimes still does. But I got good enough at taking a breath and saying, "She isn't her, and she will never be here, and it'll be okay" that I can now handle seeing the name on my roster.

This goes for all of my school based triggers. They still affect me -- I'm still healing, after all, and that'll be a lifelong process -- but I don't let them impact my value.

The thing is, even when I was dissociative, I could manage that. I might not be the Best Teacher Ever, I might not do everything correctly, but I do know one thing well: emotional regulation and how to display that.

I have a lot of stress toys in my room, and I let my students use them. I let them know I use them myself. I show the kids how many grades I have at any given moment, to remind them that I am only human and can only do so many at a time. I have a flip-plush octopus that goes from sleepy to angry, and I use that to show the students MY mood -- "No, this doesn't necessarily mean I'm angry, but it does mean I'm having a ROUGH day, and so I want you to know that if I'm snappy or mean, it's because my octopus is flipped and I need to calm down." The kids can see instantly that I"m not at my best, *I* can see I'm not at my best, and by the end of one class period, it usually ends up being flipped back, because (and never let yourself forget this fact)... the kids care.

They care so damn much about you. A lot of them try not to show it, or will actively rail against it, but when you treat them like the people -- not children -- that they are? They will give that back to you. And the thing is, as much as it sucks to admit, these kids are absolutely going through trauma. These are students who have come to me about self harm. About depression. About being a DID system due to child abuse. They are eleven and they write me poetry about death. I've had to mandatory report numerous times, helping a child escape horrific domestic violence because of it.

It's triggering, yes. But I also know what to do. I've studied trauma and I've learned how to regulate myself, because I'm an adult and I can do that. These kids can't. Nobody is there to teach them, because the ones hurting them are the ones who are supposed to be teaching them those regulation skills. it sucks, the world sucks, their parents suck--

But you have the opportunity to make it better.

My trauma is a burden. It hurts and is heavy and I'm tired of carrying it. But I will always value the lessons and the teaching I have wrung from it. I am grateful that I can help traumatized students. I am grateful that my trauma-based learning sessions are boring for me, because I know all of it already. I am grateful that I can provide standard practice suggestions for troubled students, that I can say, "Actually, I've noticed that so and so seems to be triggered by being seated with their back to the door," and see the neurotypical eyes light up in shock at that revelation.

You have the power to be someone so special for these kids: you could be the person who understands them.

That's why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place.

HOOOOOO Boy sorry for the ramble!! I just... I have spent so long hating being disabled. Recently, I've found joy in what I"ve learned, at least. I hope things go well for you, anon. <3

[dekarios]

what mods do you plan on playing with?

ok so im a pretty heavily modded kind of person. i dont know when to stop, i know of many mods i adore for sdv, and i have about 11 pages of view by 20 tracked mods i would like to put in my 1.6 save. that's quite a lot... i don't think i'll use all, i'm sure many won't work, and i'll change my mind on a few... i do wanna try and be more vanilla this time so less gameplay altering mods.. i tend to go heavy on qol... i love alternative texture mods so much so lots of those.

i plan on making a list of every mod i am using and sharing that with everyone when i'm finished modding for my 1.6 save.. i'll likely make it a tumblr page and share it as im working on it so people can add what i currently have then check for new additions.. it will not be finished today. as far as i know there are some mod authors who want a week or two to push their mod update fully, but will get code updates in asap and i'm unsure exactly what i wanna do there..

like for example diverse stardew valley is a mod i wanna use this time for sure.. the code will be updated either today or tomorrow, but the art won't be for a week or two or three iirc. and i know for a fact that they're adding my favourite harvey mod to it officially (which is pour-over sweater) and i REALLY want to see that yknow... it'll probably work on an existing save i don't see any reason why i wouldn't. but i am also insane and might be willing to wait an extra few weeks just to see harvey in a sweater. this is the kind of person i am

to try and tldr answer ur question i'll give a small list of mods i will 100% have WITHOUT. FAIL. i will not include shit like content patcher or alternative textures lol

ui info suite 2 - i literally can't play without this. 6 hours ago they dropped an alpha for 1.6, so i'm feeling hopeful they'll be ready soon for a full 1.6 release!

thunder and frogs sounds - dare i inform you that the weird frog sounds during thunderstorms in stardew valley scares me more than playing a silent hill game? cuz it does. it really does. MANDATORY mod for me, and updated for 1.6 already. i literally told the author about the 1.6 changes to modding and he jumped on it immediately to update this mod. you can all thank me hehehe

cjb cheats menu / item spawner - cheat mods that i think everyone should have ngl. esp the cheats menu. like cheats menu is so full of STUFF u can even just use it to make ur walking speed faster. its so fucking handy and perfect. and i like item spawner cuz man sometimes i just wanna spawn a fucking rug for my house. i don't fucking care

lookup anything - this should be a vanilla functionality imo. fucking wiki in the game. perfect mod. no notes. get it

event lookup - basically the same as above but so u can see what u need to get an event and where it is and shit. fuck looking up the wiki to see where someones 5 heart event cuz u havent triggered it. turns out it needs fucking 11pm rain in the woods or some shit fuck sake.....

chests anywhere - to me this is just a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL quality of life mod. i dont wanna run around to fuck to find shit. all there at the press of a button. u can even balance it if u dont wanna tempt urself to use it in the mines or w/e

i'll stop there but i literally will definitely have these. and i think everyone should highkey or lowkey idk. i love them ^_^

[anonymouslyel]

pre-slash steddie post-season 4

eddie's now scared of lover's lake, it turns out.

it doesn't make any sense, he thought, but every time he even gets a glimpse of the lake that night plays like a music in his head. no matter if the sun is shining so bright, eddie can see the four of them in a boat in the middle of the lake. steve diving, followed by nancy and then robin. then he dove right in and suddenly everything isn't as simple as some fantasy story dustin told him at the shed.

it doesn't make sense, he thought. the whole him nearly dying thing happened when they entered at gate at their old trailer.

but everything started there, he realized. everything they said is now real.

so he's scared of lover's lake. it's no big deal though except he can't seem to stop himself from going there. he needed to see, monitor, look at the now peaceful lake and know there aren't anymore people that'll try to open the gate just like dustin and robin said.

steve somehow caught him on the way to the lake one night. "you're going to lover's lake, right? i'll come with you."

eddie didn't have time to deny it or even make an excuse why he's going to the lake because now steve's on the passenger seat. he's tense and on the edge, fingers tap tap tapping rhythmically on the window as if he wants to hurry there too.

steve didn't wait for eddie to kill the car and marched on towards the lake. eddie followed suit, now more worried about why is steve acting like this since it's making him think of all the worst possible scenarios.

what if he didn't hear dustin's warning on the walkie and that something is happening again? what if nancy found out the gate is open again?

steve stops at the lake and stares at it hard. as if willing something to happen but the lake stays calm, serene, the moonlight bright on it's miniscule waves. steve sighed, relieved, then sat down by it's shore.

eddie did the same, looked in the middle of the lake, hoping nothing will disturb the calm lake, and sat beside steve.

"how'd you knew i'm going here?" eddie asked.

"i know so," steve replied cryptically.

"seriously, man." eddie elbowed steve gently. "it looks like you were waiting for me by the road."

steve didn't answer and eddie knows how to read the room so he kept quiet. eyes back to the lake until he's satisfied nothing won't happen.

"i used to sit by our pool too after barb," steve said after a while. "i still visit the old mall sometimes too. there're times i'd go to the old junkyard too."

eddie knows about barbara holland and what happened at starcourt, so the one with the junkyard must also be connected with all these upside down shit.

"i'm scared of this lake, by the way, but i just can't stop going here." eddie figured he might as well share things.

"at least it's far from you house. i'm scared of our pool too to the point i fought with my mom when she wanted to use and fill it with water again." steve chuckled but it's hollow.

"damn, can't win with you on that one." eddie tried to lighten up the mood. "you don't need to spend on gas just to make sure nothing is gonn happen at your pool. unlike me."

the laugh steve let out is genuine and eddie joins him. "just tell me and i'll drive you here, munson. i know how it feels, okay?"

several weeks after everything happened and eddie's previous impression about steve has already changed. new slate and new impressions, all that. he's still a rich kid, not a spoiled brat, he's a good dude. even better as a babysitter. he's protective and kind to a fault. he's sweet and has his silly moments sometimes.

those are easy to accept but the new addition to those realizations is not so easy to swallow.

the moonlight casts a healthy shade on steve and for a minute, eddie forgets where he is and why's he at lover's lake. steve's gaze is soft and understanding. his words are kind and genuine and eddie feels his heart skip a beat or two.

"i know, steve. thank you," he replies.

maybe this memory with steve will overwrite the previous memory eddie have on this lake. he hopes so.

[allycat75]

A bit more about your misogyny, Boston Dumb Fuck. Yes, you do have some.

I have discussed previously how the jump scares and V-day videos not only cost you your feminist card, but all got you more than a few upgrades to your misogynist membership. Upgrades were also earned when you smugly minimized or outright dismissed any need to have fear or anxiety because there is never a real threat, when, for women, there is a clear and present danger lurking behind almost every corner, mostly from your sex. I will smugly respond in kind by saying check your goddamn privlege, have a little empathy and tell your fellow knuckle-crawling males to keep it in their pants until they are soberly invited to present it, good sir.

But let's now discuss using your (mostly female) fandom to spread your lies and then making them look crazy and/or stupid for pointing out their obvious flaws. This is not a new tactic- women have been suppressed and subjugated for centuries by manipulating science and the narrative of what is "normal". It was not uncommon for a man who was simply bored with his wife to have her committed to an asylum, often for the rest of her life, with some made up psychosis, like "hysteria".

On this blog, I have discussed the "Martha Mitchell Effect", occuring when a medical professional labels a patient's completely accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis. Its name is derived from the wife of John Mitchel, US Attorney General in the Nixon administration. When Martha alleged that White House officials were engaged in illegal activities, her claims were attributed to mental illness but ultimately the facts of the Watergate scandal vindicated her. Not, however, before much anguish and suffering at the hands of people she trusted and loved.

And this is only the evidence I see with my own eyes. There are plenty of stories of how awful you are to unsuspecting one night stands and anyone who might want to tarnish your Golden Boy, ah shucks I'm really just ackward and shy reputation, although I would say you have imploded that one just fine on your own. If there is a grain of truth to any of these rumors, please examine them thoroughly and get the help you need or Dodger and your hand will truly become your only life companions.

Here are additional articles I hope you read and ruminate on as you endeavor to become a fully functioning human being who contibutes to the success of the greater good and whose activism isn't simply performative, rather than bring down society for the benefit of a select few and earning more meaningless upgrades to your misogynist membership:

[exrankluck]

Dear Vocalist Unlimited Veronica Translation — ゆくすゑ [track four]

disclaimer: this is 90% AI-generated transcription and translation, some things might be inaccurate or awkward.

ディア ヴォーカリスト Unlimited エントリーNo.5 Veronica / モモチ (CV: 豊永利行)

- Drums: YAMATO (CV. Shunichi Toki)

- Guitar: OHGI (CV. Makoto Furukawa)

- Bass: AMA (CV. Kengo Kawanishi)

- Keyboard: SHIZURU (CV. Yoshitaka Yamaya)

[Shizuru]

Shizuru: Really? If you say so, I'll try to think positively.

Yeah, that's right. The recording is scheduled to start around next week.

No, the release is in the fall.

But, as always, we don't know a lot about the schedule until the results of the Survival are out.

Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience.

But, since we're here, I'll talk to the office about the additional performance we discussed earlier. If possible, before the end of the year.

Mm, okay. See you then.

Shizuru: Now then... Hm?

Shizuru: Moshi moshi.

mmc: Ah, moshi moshi, Shizu-kun?

mmc: Sorry for calling so late.

mmc: I heard you got a call.

Shizuru: Oh, mhm.

Shizuru: It's just a confirmation call. About the recording.

Shizuru: Is it okay to stick to the schedule as planned?

mmc: Yeah, that's the plan.

mmc: Ah, by the way, I sent you demos and some other things.

mmc: Did they arrive properly?

Shizuru: Yeah, they did, they did~

Shizuru: I haven't checked it thoroughly yet, but it looks super cool again this time. I'm looking forward to it.

Shizuru: Anyways, let's keep the reservations for all the studios that we have on hold.

mmc: Mm, thanks. Oh, by the way…

mmc: We haven't been able to meet for a while, and I haven't had a chance to say it, but I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your piano recital last month, even though you invited me.

Shizuru: Don’t worry about it.

Shizuru: In fact, I haven't even thanked you properly yet. You sent me flowers again this time.

mmc: It’s nothing. It was just a small gesture.

mmc: I heard this time was a great success too, I'm glad!

Shizuru: Yeah, thanks to everyone. Actually, I got a request for an additional performance.

mmc: Wow, that's great~!

Shizuru: Well, there's also Veronica's new song, so it's not official yet. But if you can come next time, please do.

[02:35]

AMA: Whoa!

AMA: Y-You scared me.

AMA: If you're back, let me know…

AMA: No, I wasn't sleeping. I was listening to music with my earphones on.

AMA: Um, speaking of which, Veronica's recording session is starting next week, so I wanted to listen to the demo again while I can.

AMA: Mhm, I think it's going to be a great song again.

AMA: I still don't really understand what he wants to express with this song.

AMA: Yeah, it’s difficult.

AMA: Both the music and lyrics that Momochi-kun creates are all...

*shiny sfx flashback*

AMA: How about… Huh, Momochi-kun.

mmc: Ah, it’s Akkun~ It feels like it's been a while since we last met!

AMA: Yeah, I was away from Tokyo for a while for a photo shoot for my photo book.

AMA: And, the release this time went well too.

mmc: I see, you're still busy as usual. Good job.

AMA: Guren Shinjuu seems to be getting good reviews.

AMA: As expected of Cheers.

AMA: Momochi-kun likes Japanese (wa) rock music. That’s good to know.

mmc: Hehe. Actually, I was quite hesitant this time. There were also discussions about the image, and even if Kataridori was popular, I don’t want to make Veronica's image too rock-like.

AMA: I see. Veronica is versatile, after all.

mmc: Mhm, that's right.

AMA: Um, I've been wanting to ask for a while…

mmc: What?

AMA: Is there a model (muse) for Momochi-kun's lyrics? Not just for this new song, but in general…

mmc: Why do you ask?

AMA: Just curious. Especially with lyrics about women, I wonder how you write them.

mmc: No, there is no model. It’s all in my imaginary world.

mmc: But don't you think it's ideal?

AMA: People like this…

mmc: Yes, that's what I'm aiming for.

mmc: I hope people who hear it, like Akkun, imagine all kinds of things.

mmc: Because songs that end after just one listen are boring, aren't they?

*shiny sfx flashback* [AMA]

AMA: The title track is still easier to understand. Momochi-kun is probably singing about the feelings of a certain woman.

But with this song, I really don't understand anything.

I might be able to understand the way Momochi-kun builds up the song by listening during the recording, but I still can't figure out what the theme of the song is.

No matter how much I think about it, I still don't understand. But I think that's what Momochi-kun is aiming for - not to arrive at a definitive answer, but to purposely avoid it.

Thanks to that, I've been in a state of constantly thinking about this song since the other day.

Yes. Well, that's true.

I think Momochi-kun is amazing. He doesn't talk much about himself, but I know that much.

Thinking about it, this song is like Momochi-kun himself. Even though I don't know anything, I find myself drawn to it.

Oh no, I ended up talking about work again.

We decided not to talk about work, didn't we?

It’s me who doesn’t like it.

Let's just be together here as lovers, not as manager and artist.

[07:06]

mmc: Yeah, that was really good! Can I get one more like that?

Ohgi: But I think it was a little boring. This current version is better.

mmc: Yeah, don’t worry. You could even make it more emotional or intense.

mmc: Okay then, thank you.

Ohgi: Good job.

Ohgi: Huh? Where's Momochi-kun?

AMA: Probably taking a break or on the phone.

Yamato: By the way, nice job with the "Ohgi" move!

Yamato: That move today didn’t go smoothly in the past, right?

Shizuru: Yeah, and he even made a request.

Shizuru: Isn't it unusual for Momochi-kun to do that?

Ohgi: Hah, it's just a coincidence.

Ohgi: What I’m doing isn't any different from what I’ve done before.

Ohgi: I guess it's like predicting what Momochi-kun will do and watching his reactions.

Ohgi: That method has caused a big mess in the past.

AMA: But that’s not a bad strategy. Ohgi did nothing wrong.

AMA: It was my fault for doing something unnecessary and causing a bad atmosphere.

Ohgi: Akkun covered for me, but in the end, the third generation was not called up.

Yamato: After all of that, we’re still somewhat recognized, especially Momochi-kun.

AMA: I hope so. Everyone did their best this time too.

Ohgi: I'm sure it'll be okay. The fact that we've come this far is proof of that.

Shizuru: Yeah, we can be confident.

Shizuru: We have achieved our goal too.

AMA: Goal?

Shizuru: Well, isn't it just the five of us who can embody Veronica's world?

Shizuru: No one talks about the first-generation anymore.

Yamato: That’s true~ We are the strongest team capable of embodying Mr. Veronica's world.

Yamato: So lets keep doing our best from now on!

Ohgi: Let's do that.

Shizuru: Hey, hey, isn't this the time to do that thing we talked about before?

Yamato: I was thinking the same thing. In that case, let’s do it!

[09:36]

AMA: Now then…

mmc: Hm? …Huh?!

Shizuru: Ah, Momochi-kun, you finally came back!

mmc: I-I'm surprised. Everyone was still here!

mmc: I thought everyone had already left. N-No way.

Yamato: No, no. Actually, we were waiting for you, Momochi-kun~

mmc: Eh? Me? Um... What?

mmc: ?! Are we having an after-party now or something?

Shizuru: Ah, there was actually talk of having a party to celebrate, but, well, the song isn't finished yet.

mmc: Eh? Ah… nevermind.

Ohgi: Our recording is done for the day, but your recording isn't finished yet, Momochi-kun. When everything is really finished, we should have another party.

AMA: Let's have an after-party again with everyone.

Yamato: Yeah, let's do that. Let’s do it!

mmc: Mhm, I definitely think that's a good idea. Hahaha…

mmc: Anyways, everyone worked hard this time.

mmc: Now it's my turn to work hard.

mmc: I'll make sure both songs are the best new songs ever, so look forward to it!

Yamato: Of course, I'm super excited~!

Yamato: So, let's call it a day and do our usual thing.

AMA: That's what I was waiting for.

AMA: Momochi-kun, you know what to do?

mmc: Oh, I see. Got it! I understand, we’re doing it here?

Ohgi: Now then, Momochi-kun, please take care of it.

mmc: Alright~ Ehem… Then let's go, Veronica! Ei ei oh (cheer)!

all: Oh (cheer)!

Shizuru: Alright. With this, there's no doubt that this Survival was a huge success.

mmc: Well, that goes without saying, hehe~

*ゆくすゑ (yukusue) - fate; one's future i.e. “what lies ahead”

[purpleshadow-star]

Honestly I'm a little scared of them expanding on Will's powers because uh...we all know what Olympus does to children of Apollo who get too powerful in Zeus' opinion. He's been directly compared to Asclepius, who gets killed by Zeus for inventing the Physician's Cure. I've seen people speculate he may have some sort of prophetic ability after ToN- did we forget Halcyon Green, who was eternally tormented for saving the life of a little girl? And this book is based on the myth of Orpheus. Who is said to be either a son of Apollo or he had Apollo as a father figure. And, well...Rick already goes over THAT one in Percy Jackson's Greek Heroes. They undersell the light powers tbh; Apollo literally KILLS Commodus with divine light and Will thinks it's a useless ability.

I agree it's a bit scary but especially after Apollo actually spent time with his kids and bonded with them (Will in particular), and considering Hades and Nico have a pretty good relationship now, and considering the fact that Hestia likes Nico (I'm hoping for a Hesita cameo tbh), I think Will is pretty well protected. And throughout the books, the gods are slowly but surely becoming... more reformed, I guess, so smiting/punishing a kid and having all the gods just accept it probably won't be as easy for Zeus as it used to be.

I do think that Will is more powerful than any of them know right now, and as you mentioned, that could be very troublesome, but at most I think if Will somehow does die, Nico and Will might have to do what Orpheus and Eurydice did or something similar (because why would they make so many connections to them and not have something similar), but Nico would trust his father and Will and he wouldn't look back, therefore saving Will. At the end of the day, I think Will actually has a lot of protection/ people who don't want to see him/ Nico hurt, so I think by the end he'll be alive.

(Also sidebar: in addition to the potential powers you listed, I'm also very much hoping for plague powers, and I hope they do explore the light powers more, it'll probably be helpful in Tartarus)

[sansxfuckyou]

You're a fucking masterpiece, even without ink, and I'm sorry no one else can see that

Summary: Sapnaps a tattooist, George just wants to get the humiliation of losing a bet to Dream of all people over with, and well, everything kind of goes south from there, all because George gives Sapnap free range for a coverup and the latter simply falls in love with notion of a man whose okay with having 'fuck' tattooed on his neck.

Warnings: Implied abusive relationships, blood, piercings, swearing, check tags for additional warnings.

Authors Note: I physically cannot explain, I assure you, @sobredunia can confirm this, considering she got a play by play of the process, anyways, they r gay and theres qpr between Sapnap and Karl, Quackity and Wilbur make fun of Sapnap, and a bunch of other stuff happens in this fic, reblogs are worth more than likes, hope you enjoy.

The sound of the bell ringing caused him to perk up from his magazine, being greeted with someone who clearly doesn't belong here.

Sapnap couldn't help but smirk as he chewed away at the bubblegum in his mouth, resting his magazine down as the customer walked in. They looked skittish, like they didn't actually want to be here, the followup in all green explained the 'not wanting to be here' part. The artist simply waited for them to speak up, he kept his elbows propped on the front desk; he could practically smell the fear from the small one, distant buzz of his coworkers job probably not helping.

"Hello, welcome to The Techno Tattoo Parlor, what can I do ya for?" Sapnap asked, making sure to wait until the one green opened his mouth to speak, he rarely did this with customers, but, he could get away with it most times, he was far too valuable to fire.

"A chest piece, I was wondering if you would do this one I sketched out," the smaller one said, sliding over a piece of paper sketched out in pen and color, the way he enunciated the 'I's said a bit, Sapnap looked over it, his eyes widening as he scanned the piece.

"And who might this 'Dream' be, baby blue?" Sapnap asked as he gestured to the phrase on it, he got no immediate response.

"That would be me," the taller, presumably Dream, stated confidently

"I expected as much, and, I'll presume your his partner?" Sapnap asked, he got a nod before continuing, "cool, and is this a lost bet or something, because your, ahem, 'good boy' looks rather nervous?" There it was, a slight expressional twitch, a lost bet, bribery or otherwise- he smirked.

"Yeah, I lost a bet, now I have to get a tat," the smaller said, clearly uncomfortable at the idea of getting one at all, or maybe it was just having that statement permanently on him that made him look so squirmy, "my name is George by the way."

"I don't do names for lost bets boys, but, if you can do something else, I'd love to ink up another virgin," Sapnap said, both of them had visceral reactions, he was quick to reaffirm his statement, "virgins of ink, you're clearly inkless George, you look like a baby deer, shaking in your boots."

"Oh, you're not exactly wrong," George said, somewhat ashamed of himself, he had read the reviews, he had seen clips, he knew he would be in safe hands with this guy, so why was he so scared?

"It's a shame that you don't do names over bets, we'll return with a new design in a week or so, maybe a month at that," Dream said, he sounded extremely disappointed, his grip was on Georges wrist now, maybe Sapnap was reading this wrong, but their entire dynamic felt uncomfy.

"Okay, I'll book you in for the fifth of next month, 2 PM, be there or be square," Sapnap said, pulling out a small booklet and writing it down, then he slid off his stool and handed a pen to both, their eyes were transfixed on his snow white, pleated skirt, "boys, eyes up here, I need signatures."

"No you don't," Dream stated boldly, never having heard of such conduct

"You want your George to get a tattoo, don't you?" Sapnap asked, he got a nod and pushed the notebook a little closer, "then sign it, I get the skirts distracting, but trust me, when theres no AC, skirts are better."

"Fine," was what Dream spat as he signed it, so did George, they turned and left, leaving Sapnap with another appointment.

He grinned and scoffed at them, he could tell he was going to simply love marking that boy up, and given the detail, he had a gut feeling it may take more than one appointment. The notion made his heart flutter, even just thinking of the brunette, he was falling in love all over again, although, he usually gets the jitters in the first day of anticipation. Something about doing something so permanent, and so intimate to someone he may never see again got his heart racing, it just felt so amazing and he couldn't begin to explain it.

He propped himself back up on his stool, flipping open to a random page in his magazine, having read it many times before (he doesn't know why he keeps rereading it). Then an extremely familiar face walks in, his roommate, his coworker and a man of many colors, Karl, they both grin before conversation starts. Compared to most of his coworkers, Karl is the only one Sapnaps done work on, and vice versa, and they've been doing so since the beta days of this skill they've honed.

But today, Karl was simply his client.

"You're never going to believe what just happened," Sapnap said, grinning as he stepped down from his stool and pulled his friend into a hug.

"Tell me all about it," Karl simply said, always loving to hear Sapnaps stories, even the mundane ones.

"Two guys walk in right, lost bet, the usual stuff," Sapnap begins as he retrieves his necessary tools and sits Karl down at one of the two tables for waiting, he hooks the power supply to where customers normally plug in their phones, "what're we working on today?"

"I was thinking we finish up this one," Karl said, pointing to the vines running along his arm, they struck down from his elbow like lightning and blossomed into roses at his wrist, one of Sapnaps finer pieces, "please, go on."

"Right, sorry, anyways, small dudes shaking in his boots and I'm just agitating the ever living shit out of the green dude," Sapnap said, smiling as he did so, lining the needle to place and almost starting up before pausing, "and just look at what they want on the small guy." He passed over the design, Karl snickered.

"Greenies got a god complex, or they're hella into BDSM," Karl said, Sapnap agreed heavily with the statement as he pressed the needle to skin.

"I sent 'em off, obviously, they're coming back with another design sometime later, fun pissing off the green guy," Sapnap said, adding shading to thorns as Karl nodded along, "small dude was definitely an ink virgin."

"Seriously?" Karl asked, lifting his eyes from the details, Sapnap lifting the needle and looking up before nodding.

"Seriously," Sapnap said, already thinking of him again, George, excitement usually wore off by now, even without a distraction like Karl, was he actually falling in love? He couldn't be, they barely knew each other.

---

A month passed a lot faster than Sapnap thought it would, and the temperature decided to go from a predictable scalding hot to switching between wear a jacket or I'll freeze balls off and wear a skirt or I'll melt your face off. And he hated when the weather did that, working with a canvas that was shivering was garbage, and so was a sweaty canvas- yet he still shook with anticipation at the thought of seeing George again. He knew his work was being affected by it in ways so subtle only he would notice, but, he didn't really care right now.

He merely cared about getting through it until he got to ink up a chest piece, he hasn't gotten one in so long, its like hes forgotten how people react. He knows that everyone hes done a torso piece on has had sensitive ribs, and if it dips low enough, an extremely sensitive V line. He wonders if his clients are noticing he's been more absentminded lately, he knows his boss has, and he knows Karl has as well, but, everyone knows he won't be fired despite that. And in that month he even got a septum piercing, it bugs him a little bit more than he'll ever admit, but the aesthetic appeal is more than enough to keep him going.

Sapnap gives a recap of the new tattoo regimen to one of his and Karls older clients, Wilbur, who just nods along and smirks because they both know he knows it by heart. They give a prompt fist bump before Wilbur is on his way with a fresh ankle tattoo, a set of stitches to make him look frankensteined, he's getting color in two weeks to make it look bloody. He's usually one of Karls customers, but for simpler stuff he goes to Sapnap who can get it done extremely fast, they could've done color as well today if they were feeling ballsy around the time limit.

So there Sapnap sat, perched atop his stool, crossing his ankles to prevent himself from kicking against the desk out of boredom as he flipped through his magazine. The bell jingles and he's greeted with George, whose wearing a scarf in what feels like a hundred degrees heat, but windchills are a bitch which would explain that- it still perplexes Sapnap. He smiles as he steps down from his stool as George walks in, meeting him halfway to the desk, booklet out with a pen.

"Well then, George, whats the verdict? What design will I get the pleasure of inking?" Sapnap asked, his giddiness was barely contained, came as a shock even to him.

"I just need you to cover something up, any design," George said, glancing to the ground.

"A cover up? I coulda sworn you were inkless," Sapnap said, George shook his head as his fingers wandered to his scarf, it clicked in Sapnaps head, "oh, this is a fresh piece isn't it?"

"Yeah, I uh, I lost another bet," George lied, the tattooist could see right through it.

"Sure you did, wheres greenie anyways?" Sapnap said as he led George to the chair, the latter reluctant to pull off his scarf before he sat down.

"I up with him, it just, didn't work out," George said, pulling off his scarf, Sapnap winced, it was still a bit scabby on the very edges that could be avoided, and the lines were shaky, it all looked so, broken, an amateurs work, but one where he could see there was struggle.

"Oh baby," was all Sapnap could barely muster at the sight, so much pain was held there; he pushed the thought aside as he hooked up his pen.

"Will it hurt?" George asked, his tone was shaky as Sapnaps spare hand ran over the tattoo, it felt more like a wound, a scar, from Georges end.

"You already know the answer," Sapnap said, forcing his tone calm, George nods, taking a shaky breath, "is there anything you don't want me to do."

"Just get rid of it, I don't care how," George said, his breath was staggering as Sapnap drew his nail across the skin in the vague shape of a heart, then a ghost, a flower, many designs until he came to the conclusion.

"You okay if I put 'fuck' in all caps over it?" Sapnap asked, he's wanted to do so for a long time, he got a nod.

The pre-emp to actually putting the needle to skin as mere moments and the reaction was visceral, he pulled it back instantly, refusing to do any more. George gave him a questioning look, but didn't speak up at all as he simply waited.

"Who hurt you?" was what Sapnap asked, his voice quiet and full of worry, he hasn't seen reactions of such a caliber in a long time.

"He did, convinced me to let him do this, said he'd do a great job, turns out he didn't," George explained, "that's why he isn't here."

"We can take as many breaks as you need, we'll get through it, I promise you," Sapnap said, hoping his words were the reaffirmation George needed to power through this.

"Won't it go into your next appointment though?" George asked.

"Naw, Quackitys covering for me," Sapnap said, "ready to continue?"

"Yeah," George said, tone shaky, but he held still, gripping the armrests of the chair tightly.

And the pen was lowered down once again, the reaction was much less this time as the needle was delicately guided across his skin, it stung and vibrated but he held on. He merely hoped that whatever pleather the chair was made of wouldn't give under his grip, his eyes were clenched shut and his teeth gritted, just power through. He eventually gave a whine and twitched a bit on a certain spot, Sapnap pulled away and George released a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

They didn't do anything for a while and just sat there silently until George nodded, his grip on the chair easing, Sapnap offered a hand and George gratefully took it. The squeeze was almost distracting as Sapnap curled the letters along the artery, almost every time he crossed over it he had to pause for George. Tears were gathering in Georges eyes and Sapnap gently wiped them away occasionally, lots of emotions were locked into the green he was covering up. He didn't mind it though, he just paused with George until it was done, still forty five minutes left though, so he went back and made it look nicer. Then he was actually finished, still, time was left, he added a small star here and there, one or two other details, extremely small hearts and flowers until time was up.

"I hope you don't mind the other details I added, there was time to fill and it looked, well, you could still a bunch of what was underneath without them," Sapnap said as he released Georges hand and reached for a polaroid camera, a newer one, he took a picture and handed it to George, the physical copy.

"It looks amazing, thank you," George said, refraining from touching the actual tattoo until after Sapnap added the second skin, it felt weird.

"Glad to hear it, so, ground rules are, don't pull off the second skin for at least three days, fluid might gather, totally normal, when you take it off just wash it twice a day, don't tear it up though, make sure not to scratch it or take a soak in a body of water, showers are good though," Sapnap said, rattling off protocol as George nodded along to the list, "and you can always come back for another if you ever want a chest piece."

"Right, could you like, email me that list?" George asked as he sat up, tilting his head from side to side, felt weird, although, he did enjoy the way the white ink laid over top the green below.

"Obviously, just send one over and I'll give you the list," Sapnap said, rifling through his belt pockets for a business card, handing it to George.

"I don't know if I'll return but, I'll be sure to recommend The Techno Tattoo Parlor to my friends," George said, standing up and reaching for his scarf, carrying it under his arm instead, he wiped his tears away one last time.

"Ha, yeah man, hope to see you again," Sapnap said, offering a fist-bump, instead he was caught in a hug, not the first time its happened, but this was the first time its made his heart skip a bit.

"Thank you so much," George said quietly before breaking away and making his way out the door, the bell jingling on his way out, leaving Sapnap speechless.

He simply took a seat, quelling the red on his face as he sat in the silence, Karl is never gonna let him live this one down if he learns about it.

"Some Brits really got you down that bad Sap?" one of Sapnaps coworkers asked, Quackity, although only a business name, everyone called him that, he was working the counter at the moment.

"Shut the fuck up," Sapnap spat back in response, gaze never leaving the floor.

"I'm telling Karl," Quackity said bluntly, smirking as he did so.

"You wouldn't dare!" Sapnap exclaimed, snapping up to meet his friends knowing gaze, an eyebrow quirked.

"I would dare, I will dare, and I'm going to dare," Quackity said, already pulling out his phone, Sapnap only groaned.

---

"Karl!" Sapnap practically shouted as he slammed open the door, it banged against the wall, his roommate jumped and something shattered, followed by a quiet 'fuck!' before Karl walked out.

"You're in love," Karl simply said, leaving Sapnap speechless as his throat dried, "Quackity told me."

"That gossipy bitch," Sapnap muttered under his breath, Karl nodded.

"You're cleaning up the broken dishes bro," Karl said, his tone was an order not a suggestion and Sapnap went to speak, "yes I'll listen to your lovesick ramblings."

"Good, because I have a lot to say," Sapnap said as he dropped off his bag at the door, walking over to the kitchen to find a broken plate on the floor, he went to speak, "actually, maybe I don't."

"Fine by me, just get it done quick, Wilburs dropping by for a piercing," Karl said, Sapnap nodded as he picked up the chunks and placed them on the counter, leaving to search for a broom.

"Doesn't he hate piercings?" Sapnap asked.

"Despises 'em, but he says it couldn't hurt that bad," Karl said, before Sapnap could ask he answered, "yes I'm charging him only half price."

"Good, he's been one of our best clients, literally doesn't move a fucking inch," Sapnap as he swept the porcelain debris into the dustpan, pouring them into a garbage can.

"I know right? For real, he is by far the best person I've worked on," Karl said, gesturing a bit as he leaned against the counter, Sapnap nudged him aside.

"Same here, you think Quackity will ever get a tat?" Sapnap asked before yanking the faucet over, their sink having a retractable and extendable one, he had to hold his head at an awkward angle to get a decent flow without choking.

"Who knows, he's a weird one," Karl said, he shrugged his shoulders a bit as he did so, "anyways, tell me about this Brit that's got you down bad?"

"Karl he's perfect, sure, a little messed up, but I can fix him, poor boy got coerced into getting tatted by his ex," Sapnap explained, Karl smirked at the 'I can fix him' because he knew better than anyone that there was no Sapnap could fix anyone.

"Do go on, how was he under your gun?" Karl asked, Sapnap gave him a blank look.

"We call it a pen in the industry Karl, lets be professional," Sapnap said, his tone almost mocking, "but he was perfect, a little skittish, but otherwise, he was just great, we didn't do ribs today though, only a coverup."

"Think he'll come back for a rib job?" Karl asked, Sapnap shrugged his shoulders.

"No way to tell, he seemed pleased about it though, I hope so," Sapnap said, Karl placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, either way I'll be here to make sure you can never live it down no matter what happens," Karl said in a comforting manner with a smile.

"I know, no need to remind me," Sapnap said, doorbell, both of them were to to rush to answer, they weren't fast enough though, as Wilbur simply let himself in, dropping his bag by Sapnaps.

"You guys should start locking the fucking door," Wilbur said as he walked past them straight to Karls makeshift piercing shop, both Sapnap and Karl were swift to follow, the latter taking an extra moment to wash his hands.

Wilbur sat on the ground, legs crossed, Sapnap sat across from him leaned against a wall, and Karl walked in, flicking his hands dry of soapy water. He hummed to himself as he grabbed needles and a bit of everything, unsure of what Wilbur was gonna ask for, he sat down directly in front of Wilbur. Sapnap simply watched, unsure of the piercing art, it looked simply enough, but at the same time, there was a larger chance of messing it up.

"So, what'll it be, my first real customer," Karl asked as he held up the various needles, Wilbur visibly tensed.

"Just go right through the this part," Wilbur said, gesturing vaguely to the edges of his ear, a cartilage piercing right along the side.

"Perfect, now, hold still," Karl said, dotting the spot with a pen of some type, he brought up the needle, "Sapnap go get a towel in case theres excessive bleeding."

"Bleeding...?" Wilbur meekly asked as Sapnap turned to leave with a prompt 'got it' but he was out before the needle went through.

He did distantly hear a meek yelp followed by muffled sounds of agony and comforting words as he grabbed a towel. He made sure to dampen it, he grabbed a cup of water as well, just in case, his return greeted him with a sight that made him smirk. He never expected to see Wilbur nearly fainting and practically crying as Karl of all people threaded an earring through the bloody hole.

"Sapnap," Karl said, Sapnap wordlessly handing over the towel before the blood was dabbed away, then he handed over the cup of water,

"Fuck, why does it hurt?" Wilbur asked keeping his tone steady despite the desire to just sob, he's used to tattoo pains, but this? This is different and he hates it, never again.

"Because I shoved a needle through your ear, that's why," Karl said, patting Wilbur on the shoulder, keeping the damp towel pressed to his ear, "and don't worry, you're doing much better than Sapnap when he got his septum pierced."

"Woah now, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sapnap began to try and defend himself.

"He was crying like a bitch," Karl said, Wilbur snickered a bit at that notion.

"I was not crying like a bitch! I was crying like a dignified dude who just got a needle shoved through his nose," Sapnap said, although, it did little to help his case, it drew another moment of laughter from Wilbur though.

"Sure you were," Wilbur said, glancing up at Sapnap with a smug look on his face, the latter looked away.

"I fucking wasn't," Sapnap said.

"Then how about you sit down and get a needle through the ear too, piercing bros or some shit like that," Wilbur challenged, Sapnap quirked a brow, "any piercing."

"Fine then, be that way," Sapnap said as he sat down beside Wilbur, casting a side eyed glare to him, "Karl you know how to do tongue piercings right?"

"Of course I do, but uh, I highly doubt you want a tongue piercing, it gets really bloody, really fast," Karl said as he stood up and grabbed the supplies, Sapnap didn't say anything, only stuck his tongue out, "okay then."

Karl was there was a lot of blood, a lot of pain too, and even some sobbing and screaming garbled cusses at him. Wilbur was practically laughing the entire time, because he's never seen Sapnap so temperamental before. It took nearly an hour of agony for him to calm down and just rest his head on Karls shoulder, blood still oozing a bit, and the permanent taste of metal was something he wasn't looking forward too.

"How could you do this to me Karl?" Sapnap groaned, eyes closed and mouth hurting.

"Cause you can be an over competitive bitch and took Wilburs challenge," Karl answered, running his hand through Sapnaps hair.

"Idiot, see you in a month or two though, one of you at least," Wilbur said as he stood up, Karl nudged off Sapnap before standing up as well, leaving Sapnap on the cold, carpeted ground.

"First, you'll need these," Karl said, handing two bottles to Wilbur who seemed perplexed, "read the instructions, if you have further questions, just gimme a ring."

"Oh don't worry, I have lots of questions," Wilbur said before turning to leave.

"Karl, you're making dinner," Sapnap groaned, face pressed into the ground, it didn't hurt so much as be extremely numb now, it bothered him deeply, the sensations.

"I figured as much, and we're having soup tonight," Karl said as he lifted up Sapnap and helped ferry him off to the couch.

"What? But we literally have a steak in the fridge, waiting to be cooked," Sapnap whined as he slumped himself on the back of the couch, able to see enough of the kitchen to watch Karl cook.

"Do you really want to be chewing steak with a fresh tongue piercing Sap?" Karl asked, glancing over his shoulder as he reached for a carton of chicken broth.

"No," Sapnap said.

"Exactly, so we're having soup for a couple days," Karl said as he put on a pot, tying his jacket around his waist promptly afterwards.

"Do you think George'll like it?" Sapnap asked, piquing Karls interest.

"And who might this 'George' be?" Karl asked, Sapnaps face heated up.

"That guy I was talking about earlier, the one Quackity told you about," Sapnap said, the realizing he hadn't mentioned Georges name once dawning upon him.

"Oh! That guy, I see," Karl said, his smirk was hidden by the fact he was turned towards the stove, "I'm sure he'll love it, if you ever see him again that is."

"Don't even joke about not seeing him again," Sapnap said, groaning as he did so, was he really stuck in a spiderweb of emotions for a client he may never see again? Yeah, yeah he fucking was, and he's not going to deny that truth from himself, try not to at least.

"Eh, at least we'll have guys like Wilbur, he's reliable," Karl said, trying to get a rise out of Sapnap with his phrasing.

"No, that's not what I mean, I just want to see him again, he's so pretty, he let me put a capitalized 'fuck' in calligraphy on his neck for all to see Karl," Sapnap said, "and not to cliche, but I'm in love Karl and I cannot stress that fact enough."

"He'll send you an email eventually, then you'll basically have todays variant of 'getting a girls number,' except its a guys number, because you are queer as the ever living fuck my guy," Karl said, pausing between his statements to correct himself, trying his hardest not to stumble over his words, "ask him out if he comes back for a rib job."

"Ask him out? Karl you're insane," Sapnap said, his tone was genuine and dramatized.

"You'll have already laid your hands all over him at that point, why not, worst case scenario he rejects you," Karl said nonchalantly.

"I know," Sapnap groaned, he started on the meander over to Karl.

"So just ask him out, do it, no balls," Karl said, Sapnap only gave a dissatisfied sound in response, "do you really want Quackity making fun of you for this until you die?"

"No," Sapnap whined, slouching on Karls shoulders again.

"Then do it," Karl said, "I don't like seeing you in a funk man, and you'll be having a month long depression fest if you miss your chance, or if you get rejected, this is a challenge by the way, if you don't I get free range on all of your equipment."

"A challenge, with my equipment on the line?" Sapnap asked, Karl nodded.

"Yes, if you don't ask him out, I win, if you do, I lose," Karl said, Sapnaps mood lightening a little bit at the notion of a challenge.

"Alright then, challenge accepted," Sapnap said as he pushed himself off of Karl who smirked to himself.

"Good, and no being an emo cringefail leading up to Georges rib job, brings down the entire shop man," Karl said, laying down the final term in their little bet.

"Of course not, never know when it'll be someones first," Sapnap said, he flinched back a bit when the piercing hit his teeth, no one noticed, his dignity remains.

---

The bell jingles as Wilbur walks in, Quackity looks up and chuckles a bit, Wilbur can only roll his eyes.

"Yes, Quackity?" Wilbur asked as he meandered over to the chair he always sat at when waiting.

"Nice piercing, makes you look cringe as fuck," Quackity said, eyes trained on Wilbur.

"Yeah, what about it, I may be cringe but I'm free," Wilbur stated in his defense, "how long is it until Karl is done with his client?"

"Thirty minutes, just raring to get your first tattoo by none other than moi?" Quackity asked, getting a bit of a glare, he chuckled to himself.

"The only reason I'm settling for your inks is because Sapnap is booked up to the tits with that stupid Brit," Wilbur stated boldly even though he's been admiring Quackitys work for a while now, unable to get a single time slot until just now.

"Tell me about it, the poor boy is just obsessed, one time his client passed out and he just started going off about that guy, George, I think thats his name," Quackity said, aware that Sapnap could most likely hear them, he was currently doing work on some kid named Ranboo, just barely old enough to get one, the ID even looked a little bit false, he was passed though, "for real though, Sapnap needs to ask him out."

"Please, Sapnaps only asked someone out once and the rejection never left him, he's gonna bail last second, even if this George ends up a masochistic fuck and starts moaning like a bitch in heat," Wilbur said, drumming his fingers on his thighs.

"You're absolutely correct, and no one can deny that fact," Quackity said, nodding a bit, "but seriously though, who did that piercing man?"

"Karl," Wilbur answered.

"No, really?" Quackity asked, leaning over his desk in a way that somehow added extra emphasis to the way he quirked his brow.

"Seriously, Sap even got his tongue piercing from Karl, he cried like a bitch," Wilbur said smirking at the memory.

"I'll take your word for it," Quackity said, promptly before the bell jingled again, in walked a guy in blue, with 'fuck' tattooed on his neck, that had Wilbur invested in whatever was up with this guy.

"I'm here for the guy who wears skirts," he simply said, Wilbur and Quackity exchanged glances before the latter of the two actually did his job again.

"That would be Sapnap, and you must be George," Quackity said.

"Yeah, that would be me," George answered.

"He talks about you nonstop you know?" Quackity asked, he noticed George tense.

"Really?" George asked, Quackity nodded, even though he was not nearly half as valuable to the place as Sapnap, he could still toy with the clients sometimes.

"Nonstop, all we hear about is you," Wilbur chimed in, George turned to see a different brunette sitting by the window.

"He loves you dude," Quackity said, pointing the eraser end of a pencil in Georges direction.

"I highly doubt that," George said, clearly flustered at the notion.

"Oh, he would say otherwise if he wasn't a pussy, you can hang out with Wilbur if you want too," Quackity said, smirking as he did so, proceeding to use the same pencil to gesture to where Wilbur was patiently seated, waiting for Karl to be ready.

George reluctantly meandered over to sit across from Wilbur, hand absently reaching for the tattoo on his neck, he loved it he did, but it got him a lot of questions. He could practically feel Wilburs eyes searing his skin as they trained themselves on Sapnaps inking; a prompt sigh. He lowered his hand entirely and gave a gesture to speak which Wilbur was very, very attentive to, responding almost right away.

"So, whats the story behind the uh, the fuck on your neck?" Wilbur asked, trying to find words to phrase the question professionally, but he really couldn't.

"Coverup, bad blood, needed to forget," George explained, using as little words as possible to do so.

"Shit man, that's a mood," Wilbur said, stretching his arms a bit before pulling up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a similar origin on his wrist, George stared at it, a skull, "still though, keep pushing, you made it this far didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did make it this far," George said, not expecting life advice from a guy looking like Wilbur.

"Exactly, whatevers coming at you, just remember, give 'em a fuck you and watch 'em turn tail and run," Wilbur said, he perked up a bit when he heard footsteps Karl stepped out first before a guy in green walked out second, Georges eyes instantly snapped themselves into staring at the table, at Wilburs hands, at anything but the guy in green.

Of course, the idea that if he acted like he wasn't there he wouldn't been seen didn't work in a mostly empty tattoo parlor.

"Hi George," Dream stated quietly once he was standing at the table where George was sitting, the Brit looking up and forcing eye contact before speaking.

"Dream, fuck you man, I'm not having a conversation with you and risking ruining a perfectly good day on a gaslighter like you," George said everything falling out of his mouth at once, Wilbur looked more shocked than Dream did, "please, just, don't talk to me."

"I just wanted to say the coverup looks better than my own work," Dream said, pivoting on his heels to leave, letting George, Wilbur, Quackity, and now Karl stand in silence.

"Was that the guy?" Wilbur asked, George nodded, "nice one dude."

"What the fuck do you mean by that, he could've jumped me, I don't know what hes like now," George explained, unaware of the fact this conversation was digging into Wilburs time slot.

"I woulda punched him if he hurt you, you're kind of whats keeping Sapnap going right now," Karl said bluntly, "and Sapnap is the last thing keeping this place afloat, also, you seem like a nice dude."

"I'm with Karl, that guy looked very, very punchable," Quackity said, completing forgetting to mention the whole 'doing it to defend you part' and mainly focusing on the 'getting to punch an asshole' part.

"Everyone in this parlor would punch that guy for you, for anyone in this parlor really," Wilbur said, that statement almost made Georges blood run cold, "we're a community, and we've been meaning to get an uptight Brit in the gang, although, how uptight of a flighty broad can you be when you have 'fuck' tattooed on your neck?"

"I'm not sure whether or not I should be scared, or comforted," was all George could say.

"I don't see any reason we should hurt a guy like you, to repeat, your the one keeping Sapnap afloat," Karl said, and as if on cue, Sapnap walked out, followed by one of his clients, he could barely see the small crown etched between his neck artery and the collarbone.

"What he said, good luck, he won't treat you wrong," Wilbur said before standing up.

"C'mon Wilbur, that conversation dug into our time slot," Quackity said as he hopped off of the stool which Karl swiftly took residence of.

"Well sorry for wanting to comfort the guy," Wilbur said in an overly dramatic tone, he finished with a smirk as he followed Quackity.

George listened as Sapnap gave the routine to his client before wishing them farewell with a fist-bump, then he noticed George and trotted over. He sat parallel to George, propping one leg over the other as he rested his elbows on the table.

"So, baby blue, what can I do ya for?" Sapnap asked as George pulled out a piece of paper, the design consisted of thorny vines and tentacles, wrapped around ribs, and somewhere behind it, a heart- Sapnaps eyes widened.

"I don't know if its too much, if it was we don't need the heart," George said, gesturing to the hyper realistic heart behind the ribs.

"No, it's fucking awesome, I just, I'm not sure if we'll be able to get color or shading done in this appointment, probably only the line art if anything more," Sapnap said before bringing his eyes back up to Georges, "and I kind of want to know the story behind it to, because this is a banger tat."

"You'll hear the story once you have me under your gun, nice piercing by the way," George said, sticking out his tongue after mentioning the piercing instead of just saying it was a tongue piercing.

"Thanks, Karl did it for me," Sapnap said before standing up, he brushed down his skirt, pleated and white as always, today's heat was sweltering to the point he even dropped his usual short cut hoodie for a sleeveless shirt instead- those contributing factors gave George an impeccable view of the ink that curled around Sapnaps arms and rested on his shoulder like a sign of regalia, a crest royalty; each design intricate and unique but all syncing up.

George couldn't help but stare at the tattoos as he followed Sapnap, eyes trained across the delicate black swirls and acute edges of reds and blues, it was intense. He could never imagine himself enduring so much pain, but here he was, coming to Sapnap with a multi appointment design. He gave a shuddering sigh, that is going to be a lot of pain, he still pulls of his shirt and takes a seat either way, leaning back relaxing as he lines up the design to give Sapnap an idea of where to put it.

Normally Sapnap free hands his art and hopes it comes out looking accurate, it almost always does, but this time he pulls out a marker and starts to etch the shapes out so he'll have something to follow. The felt tip brushes over skin with ease, one hand pressed upon on Georges chest so he has a constant sizing scale for comparison, he just hopes George doesn't notice his shaking. Sure, he's done intricate back pieces before, but this is different and he doesn't how exactly its different, his breathing is deep and slow as he tries to stay steady- that all goes to shit when he pulls back and grabs his pen, the shaking returning tenfold.

He places it upon one of the outer tentacles, outlining the sucker cups before curving the edges until they collide with thorny vines, he makes sure to add extra lines to the vines, details. He repeats the simple process with each tentacle and each vine, curving and curling, pulling away from time to time just to make sure he hasn't made any noticeable mistakes, and too his delight, he hasn't. But, it still takes much longer than he would've liked, and he still hasn't even touched the ribs or the heart below them; George asks a question, pulling his attention from the time.

"Hey Sapnap," George began, Sapnap pulled away from his canvas.

"Yeah," Sapnap said, he had to wipe the sweat from his brow and try to halt the shaking of his hands.

"Whats the story behind the heart?" George asked, tilting his head in the vague direction of said heart before Sapnap pointed to one, then another, until coming across the one.

"The half heart, I was bored, didn't have the patience to do both halves," Sapnap said, shrugging his shoulders a bit before leaning back down, he ghosted what was already engraved with his pointer finger before placing his finger atop the sketch, trying to get an accurate read on where to line up the ribs.

"Oh, that makes sense," George said, his breath caught when Sapnap hit one of his ribs, the latter didn't notice.

Sapnap continued in that fashion, running his fingers along Georges ribs one or two more times before placing down the pen and running it along the outer edges, not quite laying atop the bone. The line was harder to get straight than he'd admit due to the nature of going beside a bone, the muscle and skin acted different, pulling and pushing in different ways. But once he was working on the extremely small cracking patterns throughout the ribs themselves George tensed up entirely, sharply sucking in a breath and not moving an inch.

"Good boy..." Sapnap murmured quietly as he pulled his pen along the cracks, they were thin and intricate, but not coating the entire thing- he couldn't've ignored Geores reaction to the words if he tried, he kept talking, "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime or something."

"Like what?" George asked, his voice came out swiftly and tense, nails nearly tearing the pleather because it was just a bit to much sensation.

"Me and Karl usually watch movies on Saturdays, you could tag along if you wanted too," Sapnap offered, he lifted his pen after finishing the cracks and waited for George to breath again, all that was left was the heart, then he could call it a day and schedule for a later date, if there was extra time, he could do more.

"Sounds great, I'll uh, I'll send you an email about the address later," George said, he felt like his throat was in knots, he wasn't even gonna look at his new ink until it was done.

"Sounds like a plan then, now hold still," Sapnap said before pressing down the pen again.

The heart was a bit easier than expected as most of it was obscured by the ribs, but he was still extremely careful as too not mess it up this late into the process. To say he was proud of his work would be an understatement, this was by far the best things he's ever done, although, he would have to hand it to George for the design. He didn't expect the Brit to come to him with something so intense, but, he didn't expect to get a tongue piercing either, the world is full of surprises he supposed. But when he finally lifts the pen for the last time, George heaves a breath and speaks.

"It's symbolic of my struggles, even when things seem ugly, something beautiful is still underneath," George explained abruptly, almost catching Sapnap off guard.

"Huh, that's beautiful man, you know that right?" Sapnap asked, George shook his head.

"You're the first person whose seen the design, let alone know what it means," George said as Sapnap applied the second skin, once he was done George spoke again, "I don't know if we'll have enough time, but, could you also give me a half heart?" Sapnap glanced up at the clock.

"Barely," Sapnap said before grasping Georges upper arm, "I don't usually do spontaneous shit, so considering yourself lucky."

"Please, I do everytime I'm in your grasp," George stated causing Sapnap to nearly choke on his own spit as he engraved half a heart into Georges arm, a matching design to his own.

"You really do?" Sapnap asked, keeping his eyes trained on his work, he could feel the blood pulse under his grip.

"I mean, aside from the fact you're one of thee best tattooists in the city, you're like, a fun guy to be around," George said, Sapnap was beyond flattered at the compliment coming from George of all people.

"Thanks for the compliments, and you," Sapnap said as he lifted his pen before going back down to add the other half of the arrow, "well, you're a fucking masterpiece, even without my ink."

"I know many people who would disagree with that statement," George said, Sapnap shrugged his shoulders as he finished the tattoo up, he added second skin.

"It's a shame no one else can see that then," Sapnap said as he helped up George, "try not to wear tight shirts until the healing process is over."

"Okay, I'll try," George said as he made his way to leave, halted by Sapnap.

"Wait, I just wanna say that you are by far, one of the coolest people I've worked on," Sapnap said, he was kicking the ground with one foot, "and you didn't give me a fist-bump."

"Right, almost forgot," George said before bringing Sapnap in for a hug, this was just going to be a thing now wasn't it?

"See you on Saturday I guess, or sooner if you want a piercing," Sapnap said, George gave a nod before leaving.

"See you on Saturday," George said before closing the door, the bell jingled.

Silence once again as Sapnap sat down beside the window, that quaint silence was impossibly short lived as Karl simply had to say something.

"Well I'll be damned, you asked him out," Karl said in disbelief, he got a glare from Sapnap, "I have to tell this to Quackity."

"Don't you fucking dare," Sapnap threatened, Karl shrugged his shoulders before doing it anyways.

"I'm telling Wilbur too," Karl said, his smirk was evident, Sapnap groaned.

"Fine then, be that way, but I have an adorable date and you don't, suck on that," Sapnap said, somewhat proud of himself for arranging one date with George, hoping it would become a more than one time occasion.

[matan4il]

Hi! Big fan of your blog, your takes are always so refreshing and lovely to read!

So I'm about 86 percent certain that having expectation about this is just setting myself up for disappointment because I don't really think anything canonically confirming buddie will happen before the last couple episodes of this season (if it happens this season at all) but what do you think about 6x13 being called New Sensation👀

Awww, hi lovely Nonnie! Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words! I hope you know you're awesome, too! :D

I'm glad to meet another person who's in the camp of trying to temper our expectations! *hugs* I hope that like me, you're still having tons of fun watching the show! As for the titles of eps... Yeah, I usually try to avoid reading too much into them. For one thing, they try to include a theme that would be relevant to all the emergency calls during the ep, as well as to our characters, and that means that sometimes the fit is kinda partial. Sometimes it's totally meaningless. I remember how, when we learned that 510 was called Wrapped in Red, a ton of people (for obvious reasons) dug out the lyrics to the love song that the ep title is referencing. So of course they were very hopeful that this was the ep that would bring us one of the guys realizing he's in love and daring to declare it, since that's what the song's about. Turns out, it was more to do with the general theme of gift giving, joy all around and the big party the team ended up throwing for the people who lost their home. And how was the song connected to Chris throwing a tantrum 'coz he was scared, and Eddie deciding to leave the 118? Well, it just wasn't. So yeah, I'm bringing all of this up as a way of saying, we should always limit our theorizing based on ep titles, they're not that reliable.

That being said, I am kind of carefully looking at 'Recovery' because that one is pretty straight forward and, since the theme of an ep has to connect to the 118 as well, it strongly suggests that one of our protagonists will be in recovery, so it seems to imply one of them would have been hurt in one of the prior eps. I wrote here about the possibility that it's Buck who's injured. In addition, I later thought about it possibly being Bobby, dealing with his own recovery from his addiction and how hard it is to maintain that, given his loss in 609 and the dark path it will take him down. IDK if either one will turn out to be true, but this is an example for where I am more ready to believe that the ep title is giving us an indication of what will actually happen in the ep itself.

However, 'New Sensation' (ep 613) is... it just feels too broad and ambiguous to try and extrapolate anything from it. I know where my head's going to immediately as a hopeful Buddie shipper! Buck or Eddie recognizing that they're feeling something for the other man. In terms of when I tend to assume we'd have such a revelation, I always kinda thought 911 would wanna really cash in on this if it went there, so it would use it during a season finale. Which NS is not going to be. So I'm doubtful that's the direction the ep will take. If we are going to get a Buck who gets injured and goes through recovery, new sensation might be about a new direction he takes on following that. Not necessarily in a romantic sense? It could be about him and his journey with his self worth. It could be a continuation of Bobby's storyline. And it could be something we're not seeing coming at all, because it will play off of events that will only start unfolding in 6b. I also have to say that if Buck does get injured in the ep titled 'In a Flash' and then going through a vision of an alternate reality in the ep 'In Another Life' followed by the story of him healing in 'Recovery,' then I just can't see every ep title in 6b being about primarily about him, and I would think that makes it more likely that the new sensation in the title has nothing to do with him.

It might have to do with Eddie, who we know from Kristen's interview will try dating again in 6b. That would fit with NS breaking away from whoever 'Recovery' is about. My other Buddie shipper thought is, what if Eddie's discovering his attraction to men and that's the new sensation in the title? It could be, especially since just having a repeat of the arc where he dated Ana would be too boring, so this one would have to offer something new, some different revelation and/or experience. I don't think that this is an unlikely option, but I'm also afraid it might be my wishful thinking. Because as you can see, there are so many possibilities! And also, I have to admit that if Eddie does discover he's into men, I would expect that to be unveiled quite close to him realizing his feelings for Buck. And like I said, I would assume that to happen in a season finale, so for s6, that would be 618.

Sorry, I know this is long, but I wanted to do the most for you, so I threw out there all the thoughts that I had when I heard the title and that I then put aside. I hope this is at least somewhat helpful? Have a great day! And here's as always my ask tag. xoxox

[originalgenshinscenarios]

I hope I do this right aaaaa-

It's my first time... 👉👈

Could I request a Yandere!Yae moment with a gender neutral reader? Maybe they are a writer at the Yae Publishing House and Yae takes quite an interest in what they're writing.. and about who ;) So she tries to investige, falling in love with the reader more than she imagined she ever would and gets very strongly attached, maybe a bit too much...

I just couldn't stop thinking about my fox lady ever since I got her and this has been on my mind for quite some time.

❤🔥

Yae definitely is rather possessive type isn't she? I kinda thought I might make it longer but I ended up leaving it like this since I'm satisfied with it ^^

Also adding the disclaimer just so some people don't get any ideas. Cuz I saw a lot of bad takes on the Yandere trope and I don't want to be associated with either sides of that argument.

Yandere! Yae with writer S/O

Reader here is gender neutral

Cw: toxic relationships, gaslight, possessiveness, suggestive content (implied sex, peeking)

Disclaimer: everything in pink text is Miko's narrative so these notes especially aren't meant to be taken seriously. This is not healthy. This entire scenario isn't showing a healthy relationship. Nor is it gloryfing it.

When she first saw you she didn't feel anything special really. Only after you started working for Yae publishing house she started being interested.

She did found you disposable, after all you were a human with a fleeting life but she made the mistake of being attached to you. So for now you'll continue to amuse her for a bit longer than she suspected.

She had a lot of excuses to see you, and she used every single one. This gave you quite a lot of opportunities as a writer.

Her feedback on the book you were working on was very valuable and the only one that truly mattered. She also got you the best team there is to reach it's full potential.

But she also had huge expectations and has put a lot of pressure on your team... You excluded. She just didn't wanted them to have the audacity to take up your free time when she wants to talk to you... So she adds them unnecessary additional work.

Oh but don't get me wrong, she still toyed with you. She was on the surface extremely sweet and teasing Miko she always was... But in reality she tried to trick your mind that you need her and only her.

While she did praise your writing she said that it needs some extra work if you want it to be seen. Of course most publishers wouldn't give something so risky a time of their day if they wanted to earn mora, right? but she was here for her interest of the story rather than some mora.

She's the only one who you can count on if you want to make it work. After all every other publisher will use you, unlike her.

She made a lot of effort to be alone with you. You were her toy and frankly Miko doesn't like sharing much.

Sometimes she'd lock the doors without you noticing just so nobody can disturb your conversation and your alone time.

But when she's not in the mood she'd keep it locked so you won't get any funny ideas about leaving your work early.

She loves every reaction she can get from you even if you don't find it enjoyable. She likes it when you feel scared just as much she likes seeing you excited.

Of course she makes sure most of your encounters with her are pleasurable ones. How else would you willingly stay by her side otherwise? So unfortunately she can't have her full fun and use all of the opportunities... But instead she gets to make you beg for her company. So I suppose that's a win for her.

Of course if you agreed to be her lover which she was sure you'd do she'd spoil you. Going out to nice dinners was often your destination. But she also likes to dress you up. Because you are her doll she can play with whenever she wants.

And the clothes she gets for you are usually something only she wants to see. Not that it's something inappropriate... Usually... She just wants to be the only one who gets to see you looking pretty for her. Since this IS for her.

She often helps you put on said clothes. Her smile as wide as ever as she just can't wait to see it. Her hands wander on her own as her teasing touch was something she slipped here and there just so she could see or potentially hear what you'd do.

But sometimes she'd watch you struggle with the clothes instead.

It was amusing seeing you miss the sleeve or figure out what layer goes first. Not only that she also gets to see you all flustered as you're undressed in front of her. That's probably her favorite view... Your body and your panicked face.

~Mod Lisa

[soulrph]

hiii i'm new ( in a way ) to twitters rpc and idk how to ,,, exist here ??? like ,,, idk hiw to explain it 😭

hi my angel! do you mean twitter or tumblr? because i have exactly zero experience with twitter, but i'm also gonna be presumptuous as hell and assume it's tumblr! so here we go! i'm going to add a list of terms and definitions below the cut, so bear with me, and i may do a part 2 of this bc like. lads. ladies. legends. the tumblr rpc is terrifying and complicated for new friends. it's still terrifying and complicated for everyone, really, but we just adjusted! i digress:

literally everyone you will ever meet on this site has been where you are. it's a daunting experience to try and exist on a new site, especially if you have limited experience or contact with friends on this site, too! i knew one person who helped me adjust to the site, and after that, i was on my own!

i spent my first six months figuring out rules, icons, and my bio page for my character. that seems like a long time, but i started my blog, recklessly, during my first year of college! it took six months to figure out what rules i wanted for myself. did i have any triggers or squicks? did i have any banned fandoms or characters? i explained my limited activity, i added my age, my alias, my timezone, and basic things like that, but most of my inspiration actually came from reading other people's rules pages!

whenever i followed new people, i made sure to read their rules page first. now, nobody is going to expect you to remember EVERY SINGLE RULES PAGE you ever read! that's crazy! you might read a hundred different lists of rules and more, and you're human, so you will forget things! but the rules pages often include an age limit lately. so, "don't follow if you're under eighteen/twenty one/twenty five/etc." is a popular thing, you absolutely HAVE to obey that, and if they add more requests, like "don't follow if you're part of X fandom, or if you use these face claims, or if you write this character", or "don't follow me if you write with these blogs". you do need to follow those, but here's the good news: you make that decision the minute you see the blog. you don't need to remember those rules further down the line, aside from the banned blogs, and then you just look back over some rules. but i firmly believe that nobody should be taking offence over people forgetting some of the rules they read. i have 300 mutuals on my blog; you think i'm gonna remember 300 rules pages??? not a hope!

now. once you follow someone, and they follow you back, you are mutuals. you are NOT mutuals if you follow them, and they don't follow back, or if you don't follow them, but they follow you! similarly, you are NOT obligated to follow absolutely everyone who follows you! follow the people you find interesting and who have good vibes! don't let the rules pages scare you away; many people use a different tone of language in their rules pages to express the seriousness of following the rules, but beyond the rules page, they're actually perfectly lovely!

now! for things like icons and graphics? you don't actually need them. you don't need a promo, really, either. fortunately for us all, tumblr is entering an era where icons are just like, a nice extra bit. they don't really do anything. they're just pretty pictures of our characters to add a little something to our replies in threads. (again, my beloved, these definitions will be below the readmore thing, so don't stress yourself over the definitions!)

and now for the actual roleplay bit! so on this blog, and many other meme source blogs, we provide short and long lists of writing prompts for the rpc and writers to inspire some threads or passages of writing. in addition to this, there are starter calls! they're very useful, you just make a little post that says "like this post and i'll tag you in a starter!" and then if someone likes the post, you can write them a little starting point for a thread. so, my other blog will be used as an example: if @soulprompts liked a starter call, i would write them a little thing (it can be a one-liner or a paragraph or however long you like!) and tag them by using the @ button, and then their url. so in this case, my url is soulmemes, their url is soulprompts, so it's @soulprompts . like that! then they reply, and i reply, and the resulting series of replies will be called a thread!

now! my final addition here, before this post gets too long, is this: many people use features known as @xkit-extension-blog and @new-xkit-extension to adjust their experiences of the dash. you should download both of them, and you should download "EDITABLE REBLOGS" on the normal xkit, and "MUTUAL CHECKER" on the new xkit. it's very easy to do that! these just make it easier to trim your threads and to see who's following you back, respectively. i can add another post if you want me to, my angel, this is very rushed and i'm worried it's too much information at once!

GLOSSARY!

RULES PAGE: a page where you keep your rules for your blog! many people use google docs for this, and add a link to a pinned post at the top of their blog for ease of use. these rules are variable and depend on your preferences! they should include an age, an alias, maybe some pronouns, and any off-limits content. so "i don't want to write angst", or "don't interact with me if you write any characters from this fandom" or something like that. honestly, if you read other rules pages, they're very very useful in terms of guidance to making your own page!

BIO PAGE: a page where you provide information about your character! if your character is an original character, i.e. your own creation, not found in any public lore, then you need to provide information so people can educate themselves about your character! it doesn't need to be overly long; you can list the important things and add to it as you go along!

VERSES: so most, if not all characters have different verses. so if you take shrek as an example, some verses for shrek could be "before the first shrek movie" or "during the first shrek movie" and so on, so forth. many people get very creative with these, so you could have your character enter new fandoms! so, to keep using shrek as an example, shrek might have a marvel verse, where he's a mutant who turns down an offer to work with professor xavier and proceeds to tend to an onion farm in his swamp while more mutants turn to him for help. it can be wild and wacky or it can be serious, it doesn't matter, once you like the verses!

MUSE/MUN: you are a mun! a mun is the person behind the blog, the real life person who turns on their computer and logs into tumblr. i am also a mun! your muse is your character! so in this example, my muse is hypothetically shrek. some people write on multi-muse blogs, where they write more than one muse!

ORIGINAL CHARACTER/CANON CHARACTER: canon characters are characters who are established in publicly available lore. like shrek! shrek and fiona are canon characters! but if i decided to write another muse in the morning, shrek's sister, re-shrek-a, then she's considered an original character, because she is not established in the public lore of shrek. she is made up entirely by me, so she's my original creation, hence an original character, or OC.

ICONS/PROMOS/BANNERS/GRAPHICS: basically some people are insanely talented at photoshop and whatnot, and they make little images of their character's face claim or some banners to title their posts with. icons can be any size at all! icons and other graphics aren't necessary, if you don't want to make them, that's fine! some people run commission blogs where you can give them money and they'll make you icons and banners and promo graphics for you, if that's more up your alley!

STARTERS/PLOTS/SHIPS: a starter is the starting point of a thread, a plot is something that takes place between you and your writing partner where you decide what will happen in a thread together, and a ship is a relationship between two muses; it can be platonic, romantic, enemies, anything at all! starter calls are posts you make where people like the post and you can make those people some starters. plotting calls are the same, but if someone likes the post, you can chat to them to discuss some plots together! shipping calls are the same, but instead of starters and plots, people who like the post are free to discuss the possibility of a ship with your muse!

MEMES/PROMPTS: finally, memes and prompts are the same thing. they're lists of writing prompts to inspire threads with new friends! i write a bunch of them here and on @soulpromptsts ! there are many meme blogs, however, such as @leneemusing and @ohisms and @nightprompts to name just a few!

[banannabethchase]

Set the World Alight: Chapter 9 - also on AO3

~

Matt gets her appointment with her doctor about HRT, Nick gets mildly smothered by his big sister, and Matt and Mox have a very overdue conversation.

~

Note: I'm writing this fic in a much kinder world that we live in right now. Matt is given the opportunity to meet with a doctor relating to HRST, and it goes, well, better than most meetings go for most trans people. I'm giving Matt the medical experience she and all trans people deserve in this fic, which may not directly reflect the reality many people are facing. However, I'm putting this in the universe as a hopeful future for trans people.

Additional note: In this chapter, high schoolers in a committed, loving relationship discuss sex and their preferences! They are awkward and dorky about it.

~

Monday January  20th

Nick

Matt’s jittery the whole drive to school, and Nick worries about her the entire time. He catches Matt as she makes her way to the front office to sign out.

“It’s going to go great,” he insists to her. “You’re going to get your medicine and things are going to go well.”

“Maybe,” Matt says, frowning. “I mean, switching to HRT sometimes requires months, if not years, of consultation. They might want me to go through specific therapy for a few weeks.”

“You’ve been doing the virtual therapy though, right?” Nick asks. “Like, you told Marcia about this?”

Matt gives him the most annoying know-it-all look. “Nicky, if you think I didn’t start talking to Marcia about this back when I started seeing her freshman year, you’re stupid.”

“Hey!” Nick says, elbowing her in the ribs. “I’m trying to be supportive here. Just asking”

Matt nods. “I – I also showed them my journals.” Her smile goes a little hidden. “I don’t think I ever told you this, but I’ve been writing about being a girl for the past, like, three years. Apparently that helps them know I’m ready.”

“Look at you, being prepared,” Nick says. “For once in your life.”

Matt socks him in the arm. “I thought you were gonna be nice.”

“Nope!” Nick says grinning. “I’m the asshole brother. You should expect this by now.”

Matt huffs as she walks away, but she’s got a bit of a pep in her step that Nick hadn’t seen earlier.

He makes his way through school and practice, driving the car home carefully and also in a mild panic, but settles almost immediately when he walks in the house and realizes he’s the only one there. His mom is with Matt at her appointment, Dad is still at work, and Nick doesn’t have to listen to anyone talk for a few hours, at least.

He blares his music while he showers and dresses in pajamas with all the doors open, skipping his way through the rooms while singing poorly to Hot in Herre when no one can judge him. He tries to get some good selfies in the mirror – he’s finally getting something that looks like abs – and texts one to Adam with the message, is this a good shot?

Adam doesn’t reply for a while, and when he does he says, warn a dude before sending nudes fuck.

Nick ignores the butterflies he gets at the thought of what Adam may have looked like when he opened the text. it’s not nudes!!!!!

You are shirtless and your shorts are out of frame. It’s basically a nude!!!!!!

It’s 5:00 before he gets a text from Matt, when he’s lying on the couch watching college basketball without anyone interrupting him.

I have a prescription! I get HRT!

Nick sits up. He didn’t want to tell anyone, but he was scared and, honestly, pretty sure they were going to refuse to do anything for Matt. Ever since she’d come out to him, Nick had been secretly compiling research. Transphobic laws, cruel words thrown at people even more vulnerable than Matt, medical professionals who let their own opinions overtake logic. He has a file on the computer of safe states, of laws he’s afraid of, of people he knows in his life who will take care of Matt in any situation. There’s an email drafted to their Aunt Marilyn up in Massachusetts, just in case they had to get Matt out of there in an emergency.

But he didn’t need any of them.

He mutes the TV and calls. “Do you get to pick it up today?!”

“I do!” Matt says. Nick thinks he can see the smile on her face. “Mom and I are on the way – CVS is open until six so we should get there in time.”

Matt goes on to review the entire doctor’s appointment, in excruciating detail, but Nick’s not going to complain. She’s talking more quickly than Nick’s heard her in a long time, the excitement bleeding through every word, and he allows himself to relax his fears for her.

“I’m really happy for you, Matty,” he says. “This is awesome.”

“We’re at CVS,” she says. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Later,” Nick says. “And, um. Matty?”

“Yeah?”

“I really love you.” They don’t say it a lot, saving it for big events. And this feels like one of them.

“I love you too, baby brother,” Matt says.

~

Sunday February 3rd

Nick

Between games and a new semester and a sister whose hormonal shifts are causing some slightly intense crying jags that interrupt him in the middle of the night, Nick is exhausted. He pulls off the prior day’s Saturday game with mediocre attempts, but they still lose. His goal for all of Sunday is to just sleep.

He is not given that opportunity.

Based on the way the light angles in through the window, he can guess it’s probably around 11:30 in the morning when the door to his bedroom slams open.

“Nick!” Matt says. “Nick, I think I’m getting boobs!”

Nick rolls over. “Mm. Sleep. Goo’ job.”

“Nick!” Matt yells again, and she shakes his shoulder enough that Nick has no choice but to roll over. “Look!”

“I really don’t want to,” Nick mumbles.

“Not – gross, don’t be weird. I mean, like, in the shirt!”

Nick rolls over, opening his eyes with the knowledge he may regret it instantly. “Um.”

“Look!” Matt says. She’s bouncing on her toes, almost jumping. She pulls her shirt tight against her.

“Well, would you look at that,” Nick says. “You have the beginnings of boobs.” He thinks that the right answer. He doesn’t exactly see something, but he knows there’s something there because Matt’s excited, and he refuses to be the one to ruin her moment.

Matt spins around while making this high pitched scream, something weird and giddy and so Matt that it makes Nick want to shove his head into a pillow. “I’m a girl!”

“Boobs don’t make you a girl,” Nick grumbles into the pillow.

“You’re talking to a pillow, dumbass,” Matt singsongs.

Nick rolls over, glaring at Matt. “I’m trying to be supportive and you’re being a bitch.”

Matt grins. “I like when you call me a bitch. It’s better than when you’d call me an asshole. I like being called a bitch.”

Nick pushes himself up to sitting. “I can’t wait until you move into the garage office.”

Matt sighs. “Me either. It’s gonna be great. We’re almost done!” She bounces on her toes for a second then finally settles, looking at Nick with this hopeful little smile. “Anyway, you really mean it?” Nick gets a good look at her face, at the apprehensive excitement, at the hope in her eyes.

“I do,” Nick says. “And the shirt, like, works, you know? It makes it clear what you’re going for.” He frowns, wishing he knew how to help better. “Like that part around the – your ribs? It looks really girly.”

Matt rolls her eyes. “It’s called an empire waist, dumbass. It gives me a waist.”

“Yeah,” Nick says, squinting. “Sure. You look great. Can I go back to sleep now?”

Matt sighs. “Fine. Thanks, though. I feel pretty. Go back to sleep.”

“Trying to,” Nick grumbles. But Matt closes their bedroom door, and Nick falls back to sleep.

~

Matt

She half dances out the door when Mox says he’s in the driveway. “Guess what?”

“What?” Mox asks. “Hi, by the way.”

Matt vaults up into the truck and slides over to kiss Mox. “Guess what I have?”

Mox frowns. “Um. I don’t know?”

“I have boobs,” Matt says. She can’t contain her excitement, can’t be normal about it. “Look!”

“Are you about to flash me?”

Matt rolls her eyes as she unzips her coat. “No, dumbass. I’m just showing you.” She pulls the shirt taut. They’re not big or anything, but they’re there, and they’re hers.

Mox nods. “You got boobs.”

“I did!”

Mox’s grin goes a little dirty. “Can I see ‘em?”

“Not here, but, yeah, eventually.” Matt grins back. “Once I move into the garage apartment, I’ll think we’ll have a few more opportunities.” She winks.

Mox swallows hard. “Yeah. Right. Um.”

He’s a little twitchy during their date, through the movie, through dinner, but Matt thinks it’s because he can’t stop looking at her boobs. It’s charming, in a way, the way he keeps dragging his eyes away and whispering in her ear how pretty she was the whole time.

“What even was that movie about?” Mox asks. “Like, do we know? Did you get any of it?”

Matt giggles, weaving their fingers together. “Well, there were multiple dance competitions, and somebody kissed in the end. So I’m thinking somebody fell in love.”

Mox’s eyes flickers over to her. “Yeah? You do?”

Matt shrugs, “Maybe.” She swings their hands. She wants to say it. She thinks she feels it.

But all she can think of us what Cody expected when she said it last time.

Matt recounts as much of the movie as she can remember as Mox drives her home, talking about it as much as she can so she doesn’t accidentally say something else she can’t take back. She knows Mox is different – he’s proven it a million times – but she’s just not ready to say it. Not yet. Not after last time.

The first thing Matt notices as Mox pulls into the driveway is that all the cars are gone. “Well would you look at that,” she says. “Looks like we’re home alone. Want me to show you what my new room is going to look like?”

Mox nods. “Yeah!” He pauses. “That was too excited, wasn’t it.”

“No,” Matt says. She hops out of the trick. “It was cute. I like when you get all eager like that. It reminds me of a puppy.”

“Why does everybody say I’m like a puppy?” Mox says, following her to the door. She pushes the door connecting the breezeway to the garage. “So, there’s a little bathroom down here,” she gestures to the corner, “which will be mine. It’s already done. We have a little more work to do on the bedroom, but it’s almost done.”

Mox follows her up the stairs, and Matt can practically feel his eyes on her.

“And here,” she says, “I’m thinking I’ll put the bed over here, and put the -”

“I got into State with a full scholarship,” Mox blurts out at the top of the stairs.

Matt turns around. “What?! You did?!”

Mox nods, relaxing. “Oh, my god. Sorry. You’ve just been talking, like, so much today, about your boobs, and then it was the movie, and then you were talking about the movie, and I was, like, sure you weren’t going to stop talking. So I wanted to make sure I got a chance to say it.”

Matt runs at him and yanks him into her arms. She hugs him as tightly as she can. “I’m so proud of you,” she murmurs into his chest. She pulls back. “That’s amazing! Early admission really means early, doesn’t it.”

Mox nods, then kisses Matt’s forehead. She feels warm. Comfortable. Safe. “I, um. I wanted to tell you. Since I know you applied there, too, but regular admission.” He pauses, then his eyes widen. “Not to tell you to go there! I want you to go wherever works best for you! But, um,” He pauses again. “I – one of the reasons I like the school so much is they have a really great queer club. And they’re really good with their trans students – they discipline anyone who does anything transphobic with names or genders.”

Matt lets herself smile a little bit. “You looked that up for me?”

“Of course, baby,” Mox says. “I want to make sure anywhere you go you’re taken care of.”

Matt’s resolve crumbles. She launches herself at Mox, arms around his neck, and he stumbles backward into the wall across from the stairs. He makes a weird little noise as he grabs at her back, her hips, her ass. A hand slides up to her stomach and she grabs his hand to push it up her shirt. She’s on fire as his fingertips graze across the fabric of her bra. Matt’s head is spinning with it, and she’s hard already, and she wants, she wants, she –

“Hold on,” Mox pants, dropping his head back against the wall. “Wait, babe, we haven’t – we haven’t talked about this.” He steps to the side. “Fuck.” He giggles and looks at her. “God, I.” He exhales and squeezes his eyes shut, bouncing a little. “Sorry. Trying to – trying to get my shit together, you know.”

Matt nods, lightheaded herself. “I know.” But she can’t exactly fight the feeling of rejection. “Do – do you not want to?”

Mox’s eyes widen. “Do I not – oh my god, of course I want to! Jesus, Matt you’re…” He trails off and looks her up and down. He looks hungry. Matt shivers under his gaze. “But we need to talk about – about what – words. Words need to happen. I don’t want to do anything either of us regret.”

“Oh.” Matt lets it sink in. “Talk? Like what talking?” She wonders if Mox is about to give her the same speech Cody did. “Like, how it doesn’t count unless you’re, like, having real sex?”

“What?” Mox asks, looking befuddled. “No. We – what?! God, you sound like Seth’s brother. No, about what you want, and what I want, and what you don’t want, and what, like. What…ways? You want to have sex?” He winces. “I know you and Cody were together for a while, and that you guys broke up bad. But, um. Have you – done – things?”

Matt nods. “Yeah. Cody, uh. Cody said the only thing that counts is real sex. Like, hand jobs and blow jobs? Don’t count.”

Mox gets the weirdest, pinched look on his face. “He said what?”

Matt shrugs. “I don’t know. He said it wasn’t real unless,” Matt tries to recall the words she’d been blocking out for almost a year, “‘somebody’s dick was in somebody’s hole’.”

“Ew,” Mox says. “Jesus. What a douchebag.”

Matt shrugs. She knows that now. She didn’t back then. “Yeah. He, uh. Yeah.”

“How about this,” Mox says. “How about we – we’ll talk about this later, more, right? Because clearly Cody wasn’t – Cody was a dick. And I don’t want to do anything like that.”

Matt smiles at him. “If it helps, you aren’t like him at all. He never made me feel the way you do.” It’s close. But Matt’s still not all the way ready to say it.

Mox opens his arms and Matt walks into them. Cody never made her feel like this either. Cody never stopped them to talk. It’s strange. “I’m glad,” Mox says into her hair. “I never want to make you feel anything but – but loved.” He pulls back. “And I’m not saying this to do anything or get anything, okay? But I love you. I don’t need you to say it back. I just need you to know.”

Matt tears up. “You do?” she asks, heart racing.

Mox nods. “Damn it. Now I made you cry.”

“I’m always crying lately,” she squeaks. She presses her face back into Mox’s chest, feeling warm and soft and loved. “These are good tears.”

They’re downstairs tossing popcorn in each other’s mouths while Great British Bakeoff plays in the background when Nick slams the door open, singing some horrible song.

“Oh, hey!” he says. “You look like you’re in a good mood. What’s up?”

Matt blushes. “Nothing.”

“You two are such nerds,” he says, chucking his backpack in their direction. Mox bats it away, then catches popcorn in his mouth. “I bet you watched TV the whole stupid night, huh?”

“No!” Matt says. “We also saw a movie!”

Mox sends a little grin over to Matt, something quick that only she could see. “Catch,” Matt says, chucking a handful of popcorn at Nick’s face. He drops his basketball and his phone as he dives to catch three in his mouth. “Yes!” he yells through the popcorn.

“That’s, like, a 40% catch rate,” Mox scoffs. “Matty, baby, let’s show him how it’s done.”

Matt and Nick’s dad shows up about twenty minutes later, silent as he takes in the scene. Matt is covered in popcorn, as is the floor. Nick has created a structure using his hoodie to launch the popcorn into his mouth. And Mox is on the floor, catching some of the popcorn Nick is missing.

“What on earth are the three of you doing?” he asks. “I hope you all know you’re in charge of cleaning this up.”

“Dad, catch!” Nick yells.

It takes ten minutes before the three of them stop laughing at the popcorn that catches in his beard.

~

They're all so DOPEY and I want them to be happy forever. Except for Cody. This Cody sucks.