#infantilizing adults

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[willpowers]

claps my hands

chilchuck is an ADULT

he should not be compared to those series that make a 1000 year old character look like they're 8

because chilchuck does have signs of aging, is shown to, in the perspective of others of his race, be maturing

it is OK to ship him with another character!

for christs sake his kids are also considered grown adults

it sucks cause like, real life people with developmental disabilities get told they're never going to be able to express themselves sexually or their partners are considered evil, but they deserve to have just as much of a chance at love as others!

chilchuck acts and looks more mature than my 15 year old tall grown up looking cousin, and thats the difference! appearance shouldnt matter, chronologic age should be the only factor. not only is chilchuck older the adult age of his race, but hes also considered way over adult age in human years too!

please please just be normal about chilchuck i beg

[whereserpentswalk]

Twenty four year olds are adults.

Twenty one year olds are adults.

Eighteen year olds are adults.

Petite or 'smol' young adults are adults.

Transmasc young adults are adults.

Asexual young adults are adults.

Autisitc young adults are adults.

Young adults you find cute or wholesome are adults.

These people consume media as adults.

These people make life choices as adults.

These people have sex as adults.

Reblog if you agree.

[giganticism]

The Hughes brothers actually are that close and obsessed with each other. You just have to accept it.

[sergle]

When I talk about something bad I've experienced, Baked In to my experience as A Woman, I am not "making my little cousins feel like shit for being women", because I am talking in a space with, allegedly, adults. I am not bringing my problems to children in the first place. That said, I don't HAVE to make my baby cousin feel bad, because she's already experienced sexual harassment in her life, and she's only 8, and doesn't even understand what any of it means yet. And everyone in her family can try to instill confidence in her, and never talk about our bodies in a negative way. But she can still feel like she's too chubby, because she still goes to school, and talks to other kids and their parents, and still sees ads, and still watches tv. We can be positive, but we can't fix the root of the problem. And I don't HAVE to tell trans women that "pain is a rite of passage", because that's not a Rule being enforced (by me), because I've already sat and listened to my friend complain about constantly shaving as a Baseline necessity and how it hurts her skin and she has to put makeup onto fresh cuts on her face because going out without a full face of properly feminine makeup would make her life worse, and being anything less than thin and lithe makes her "less feminine", and ALL the things that can make her "more feminine" are behind a paywall. And I can try to make her feel better, and I can hear her experiencing the tenfold version of problems I relate to, but I can't fix the root cause of her problems by just telling her not to complain. Forcing happiness as a core personality trait for women is not the Girlboss Feminist move that you think it is, and no amount of gender euphoria in the world will make you immune to systemic oppression.

[musashi]

not a narumayo shipper but i believe in their beliefs

[virtualcarrot]

honestly I don't even feel betrayed by NG (I just... don't care enough about the guy) but I sure as fuck feel betrayed by the fandom. by the way it's reacting to it now, at large, with denial and heavy sobs of waaah but how will I enjoy my content!!

but also by its refusal over the many years to engage in critical discussions of dynamics of power in successful middle-aged men who have patterns of behavior regarding much younger women

regardless of the truth of the claims (I don't know) (genuinely) (I'm not even condemning any of the people involved because the best thing I can do is be supportive of the fucking investigation) (and not make it all about me) (oh the fucking irony of wait and see)

will this be a wake up call for you guys to stick your heads out of the sand?!

[marshmallowpuffcat]

It's not Ragatha's fault they're both the same size of small 🥺

[zykamiliah]

i love it when fandom infantilizes characters to the point of denying them their own agency.

"if people in cang qiong had treated shen jiu differently-" do you have any evidence that they mistreated him? or is it too hard a pill to swallow that shen jiu was the one who decided to close himself off and be an asshole. that cang qiong treated him just fine, that his martial siblings tolerated him to the point that even when he was suspected of murder nothing was done to him?

who forced shen jiu to abuse luo binghe? to abuse other disciples? those were his decisions, that was him acting in a position of power.

the moral of the story is not "shen jiu was misunderstood :(" the moral is: the person who was abused can also become an abuser. the one who suffers violence can be violent towards others. you, despite what you've gone through, have the capacity for kindness and cruelty. so be wise on how you decide to act, because your pain doesn't justify hurting others, and your actions will have consequences.

you have agency, you have whatever amount of power you have over your own life and the things you do have and impact in the lives of those around you and yourself. so maybe try being at the very least neutral to the world and yourself, if you can't be kind.

but no, shen jiu's mentality was "since I suffered, they deserve to suffer too". and by taking that path he perpetuated the cycle of abuse.

bingge is the same, because he could have stopped at taking revenge on shen jiu, but he decided to involve the whole sect and the rest of the world, no matter who was innocent. he was unnecessarily cruel, but so was his master.

both shen jiu and bingge had the capacity for some form of "niceness" (in the way they treated women), so it wasn't as if they'd never known some form of love. at some point in their lives, they stopped being abused children and became abusive adults.

and that's an expression of human behaviour that we have to accept as possible. the svsss narrative invites us to examine ourselves in this light, to witness our capacity for both love and hate, to realize that even in the most adverse of circumstances, there's always a small sliver of agency over how we feel and how we act. that, despite the things that defines us from birth through childhood, our decisions also define what we'll become in the future.

[soullessjack]

a collection or mood-board of sorts

[beebfreeb]

Little things about Marcille make me so so so sick. Reading a book with the first character that's anything like you at all in even a somewhat respectable way and falling in love. She doesn't know anything about the food her mother grew up eating. She is subtly different from her peers and has never been sure where she fits in. AND despite those experiences she still falls victim to prejudiced thinking. She and Kabru should be besties who verbally fight like rabid dogs.

[sideprince]

People will hate on Snape for being mean and sarcastic with children but he was mean and sarcastic with everyone. He was just treating his students with the same respect he gave everyone else, if you think about it.

[jewreallythinkthat]

I don't know who needs to hear this but:

The British Mandate of Palestine =/= the State of Palestine.

There has never been a Palestinian state. That's not trying to justify anything or whatever, it's just the fucking history. The area now known as Israel and the Occupied Palestinian Territories was once "Judea" the homeland of the Jewish People, a self governing region/country/area. It was then colonised by multiple empires, the Roman Empire, the Byzantine Empire, the Arab Caliphate, the Ottoman Empire the British, Empire. None of these are a Palestinian states; these are all the result of imperialist colonising ideologies.

There could have been a self determined state in 1948 but instead there was a war because proto-Israel was attacked and defended herself.

If you need to rewrite history to justify your hate, maybe you're not as progressive as you want to think you are.

Edit: as I've said many times, I'm very pro 2-state solution. This post is not about that but I will not have this being used by other people to straw man me and lie about my beliefs

[bi-buckrights]

Evan Buckley is a grown man and is capable of telling his bf if he doesn’t like being called Evan, hope this helps <333