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fallinallincurls · 4 years

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Overwhelmed & Insecure

warning: mention of anxiety attacks & anxiety in general. if you’re not comfortable with those topics, feel free to skip this one.

word count: 2k

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Shawn's POV

Leaning on the bathroom sink and staring into the taunting mirror in front of me, all I could see was a reflection staring back at me that I hated. Feeling the hot tears well up in my eyes again, I backed away from the sink meeting the smooth bathroom wall behind me. Slowly, I slid down the surface, tears rolling down my cheeks as I sat on the cold bathroom floor with my knees pulled up against my chest.

The all too familiar feeling of failure washed over my body. My mind was spiraling into a pit of endless anxiety. My breaths became shorter, my chest heaving to obtain as much oxygen as possible. My hands started to shake and even when I ran them through my long curls, a nervous habit I have that usually calms my nerves, it seemed to just make everything worse. The bright light from the overhead light fixture in the bathroom suddenly became too much. My eyes were puffy as the tears flowed uncontrollably down my rosy cheeks.

And as much as I hated feeling like this, it was nothing new.

My anxiety attacks had grown more frequent in the last few months than ever before and they always ended the same way; laying on the bathroom feeling absolutely nothing. I couldn't ever stop them and I never knew where they sprouted from but once my anxiety took over, I shut the world and everything in it, out. It didn't always help, but when everything around me becomes too much, it's the only thing I can think to do.

Thoughts of the last week float through my mind and the anxious feeling floods through every inch of my body. The announcement of a new and even longer tour. Being torn away from the love of my life again for months on end. Keeping up with all my social media accounts, portraying that everything is fine, even though it's not.

Everything seemed to crumble around me as I walked through the door of my empty condo this afternoon, hoping to bury all my problems in cuddles with Y/N, my longtime girlfriend, when I remembered she wouldn't be home until later. The little things always cracked the undeniable anxiety that was building up in my chest all week.

Placing my head in my hands as my breathing became more uneven and the bathroom seemed to become smaller and smaller, I heard the front door open.

"Shawn?" Y/N's sweet voice called through the empty condo. "Baby, where are you?" she asked, her footsteps lightly audible on the soft carpet that lined the hallway to our bedroom.

A fresh wave of hot tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of Y/N having to find me like this again. I hated worrying her, even though she was the only who could really comfort me and made me feel safe and at home. "Shawn?" she called out again, nervous this time. I could hear her approaching the door that separated our bedroom from the connected bathroom I was currently in.

The doorknob rattled for a brief second. Trying to hide my sobs, I knew Y/N had already figured out where I was. The door opened less than a minute later and my beautiful girlfriend stood in the doorway.

Instantly, I memorized everything about the way she looked. The color her Vans were, the blue jeans she was wearing, the yellow T-shirt that she often stole from my closet and wore it out, somehow pulling it off better than me. The way her hair flowed over her shoulders, the pair of sunglasses that were perched on top of her head and the concern that flooded her eyes as she looked at me.

"Oh no, no. Baby, come here." She immediately dropped to her knees against the chilly bathroom tiles and pulled my body into her smaller one. My head fell perfectly into the crook of her neck as my arms wrapped around her torso, holding her tightly against me. She rubbed one of her hands up and down my back while the other simply cradled my neck lightly. Sobs raked through my body and as my tears wet her shirt, I could hear Y/N whispering sweet words into my ear.

"Shhh, it's okay. I promise. I'm here now. I love you much Shawn. Please, it's okay," her soft voice filled the small bathroom as she rocked the two of us back and forth on the cold floor. Her lips pressed a fond and loving kiss to my temple.

Silence fell over us for a minute before Y/N slightly pulled away, meeting my gaze. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot from the excessive amount of crying that I couldn't bring to a stop. My forest green shirt clung tightly to my torso as Y/N moved her hands up to my cheeks, lightly wiping away the steady flow of tears with the pads of her thumbs. A few sniffles filled the room as my hands settled on her hips, my mind still spinning.

"I'm here, it's okay." Y/N whispered again, leaving a lingering kiss to my forehead before meeting my eyes.

"I- I just want to give up. It's like the walls are caving in and I don't know to stop the world from falling apart around me," I hiccuped between tears. "It's all too much."

"Baby," she cooed, pulling my body into hers again and tracing soothing circles on my back. "Take a few breaths okay? I'm right here and I promise, I'm not going anywhere. Just breathe." Y/N instructed softly and as I pulled away, she laced our fingers together. Mimicking her actions, I took deep breaths, pushing air into my lungs. Instantly my body relaxed, finally able to breathe properly again.

"This is a stupid question, I know, but are you okay? Is there anything I can do?" Y/N asked quietly, pushing back the loose curls on my forehead and wiping a few stray tears away. I nodded against her palm.

"I just- just wanna cuddle with you and maybe talk about everything?" My voice seemed distant and was raspy.

"Of course, love. Come on," she pressed a small, sweet kiss to both of my cheeks before reaching for my hands, pulling us both off the floor. Leading us to the large, freshly made bed positioned in the middle of our bedroom, I sunk into the soft blankets and sat up against the headboard.

"Do you want hot chocolate or anything?" Y/N asked watching my facial expression intently. I shook my head, curls falling into my eyes again and reaching my arms out to pull her closer to my body. She snuggled against my side as I took another deep breath, feeling another large wave of anxiety wash over me. "Hey," she whispered, caressing my cheek softly and meeting my eyes, instantly soothing the small storm brewing in my mind. "Whenever you're ready."

I could feel her tracing small, imaginary shapes on my chest through the comfortable fabric of my shirt. Y/N's eyes continuously kept flicking up to my face, checking if everything was okay.

Talking about this was never easy even though the words sat at the tip of my tongue, waiting to be spoken into the quiet air. It took me almost a year after Y/N and I started dating for me to open up to her about the terrible anxiety that got the best of me sometimes. But instead of turning away, she welcomed me with warm arms and reassured me that no matter what, she would be there.

"Okay," I murmured quietly, my breath still shaky. Instantly, Y/N sat up a little straighter, her attention only on me. "I'm ready." She nodded her head as a signal that she was ready to listen and I trudged on.

"There's going to be another tour next year. It's huge and really long, like- almost the length of the entire year. And- and I just don't know how I can be away from you for so long. It takes a lot to put on an amazing performance every night and I'm always worried it won't be good enough." I stumbled across my words, trying to put my jumbled thoughts together. "Social media hasn't been getting any better and I need a break but there's so much pressure to keep up an appearance ya know? Like everything has to always look perfect."

"Shawn, baby, if you don't want to tour for that long talk to your team. It's easier to switch now then before it's announced to all the fans. I know it's absolutely terrible being apart for months on end and we always make it work but touring," Y/N paused, catching my glance to emphasize how important this was. “you love that more than anything in the world. It's your dream! Performing on a huge stage in a different arena for thousands of people every night is something you've dreamed of since we sat in your room together and you played me snippets of songs on your guitar before posting them to vine. This. This is your dream." she leaned up slightly and pressed a light kiss to my forehead before speaking again.

"And it's the worst when we're apart, trust me I know. But seeing you smile before you strum your favorite song on the guitar before singing in front of a crowd is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. And I love you. More than than anything in this world. Whatever you need, I'm here. Talk to your team, I'm sure they'll understand. They might even let me tag along," Y/N spoke lovingly, snuggling back into my side.

"Actually, I love you a million times more than touring but thank you. I'll talk to them this week before it's announced. Sometimes I just get so caught up in all the craziness," I explained slowly, finally calming down and regaining my breath. "I'm just so overwhelmed and insecure. Nothing is slowing down and I don't know how to handle all of it." A very small, shy smile played at my lips as I nuzzled my face in Y/N's hair.

"There's that smile I love so much!" Y/N exclaimed seeing the smile bloom on my lips. "I'm always here for you love. Thank you for talking to me about it. Taking a break from social media won't be a bad thing. The fans will understand and it can only help you. We're in this together okay? I love you so much." Y/N said softly as she sat up and turned towards me, intertwining our fingers.

"I can't thank you enough for constantly being my rock. You are the literal light of my life and without you, I have no idea where I'd be. There's always this stupid fear in the back of my mind telling me that one day this will all become too much and you'll leave, but every time you drop everything just to comfort me I know it's so irrational. Thank you for loving everything about me and for sticking through it all. I love you more than words can describe." I rambled on as my girlfriend sat in front of me with a wide smile on her lips.

"There's nothing in this world that could make me leave you, Shawn. I'm here for the long run, until the very end. I love you for everything you are and seeing you happy and doing what you love is the most amazing thing. I want you to be okay and I'll always be here, I promise. I love you." Y/N answered, her words filling my heart with happiness and further calming my nerves. She has a way of making everything so much better and just being in her arms makes me feel at home.

"I love you too. Thank you for everything. You're my world." I whispered quietly before cupping her cheeks in my hands and kissing her, unspoken words of love and gratefulness being shared as our lips connected.

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heyitssophie · 3 years

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I’M PRETTY SURE IN MY BLOOD IS 3 YEARS OLD TODAY

#shawn mendes #inmyblood

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thebackwoodslife · 4 years

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Can’t lie, even turkey hunting, I’m thinking about deer season. #backwoodslife #bwl #deerseason #hunting #alwayslethal #realtree #inmyblood @realtree @hawke.life (at Backwoods Life) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_Sza5njy1-/?igshid=9hpjl1gewrb0

#backwoodslife #bwl #deerseason #hunting #alwayslethal #realtree #inmyblood

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lostinyourparadise98 · 5 years

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Can't help Falling in love*

A/N: pLEASE listen to Kina Grannis version of this song while reading PLEASE it is so beautiful and it gave me sooooooo much inspiration. Hope you all enjoy!!

Shawn’s P.O.V

Before I met you, I always thought falling in love happened all at once. I always imagined one particular moment of me looking at someone and just completely knowing they were meant for me. I was so wrong, I was beyond wrong... Falling in love doesn't happen all at once, it isn't one moment that determines everything, its a series of moments that build off each other that make it all worth it. Puzzle pieces that make a beautiful picture, a picture of us. When I first saw you I had no idea the impact you would have on my heart. My heart, my love, my trust and respect is yours. The moments that showed me we belong together are simple and true, messy and perfectly imperfect. But its us, its our story and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The fist moment that tugged at my heart was the first time you came to one of my shows, it was in Amsterdam. I saw you in the crowd singing every word, dancing like no one was watching. You looked at me, and I looked at you and for a moment I forgot that there was anybody else in the room. Your smile infatuated me, you were so far away yet just looking into your eyes made me weak in the knees. After the show you told me you wanted to go for a walk, which was odd to me. I had told you about a party we could have gone too, I listed off names of celebrities that would be there, you kindly declined grabbing my hand and saying “Walk with me, lets go get lost in the lights.” I agreed and you and I roamed the streets of Amsterdam completely lost in each other. You told me about your childhood, why you love the color yellow, the ridiculous amount of records you have, and how afraid you were to fall in love. I was afraid too.

The second moment was when you met my family. You woke at up at 6:00Am to fix your hair and make sure your outfit was to your satisfaction. You looked absolutely beautiful. You were a nervous wreck when we reached my childhood home. You tugged at a strand of your hair, a habit of yours that you always do when you're nervous. I grabbed your hand and we made our way to the door. As soon as my mum looked at you I knew we were something special. Everything clicked so quickly, you were so kind to mum the conversation between you too was genuine and fun. You laughed at dads jokes, even the ones you knew weren't funny, and Aaliyah my god did Aaliyah love you. The bond you had with the most important people in my life completely blew me away. I know you love me by the way you love them. Thank you for that.

The third moment was the first fight we ever had. This may sound confusing but this argument was one that tested our strength and we made it. It seems like we are constantly being pulled in a million different directions when it comes to our careers. When you wake up, I'm going to sleep. It is just something we were not able to avoid. So much anger and frustration came along with the pain of missing you. I am so sorry for taking it out on you, just like I know you're sorry for taking it out on me. It took me some time but I realized we weren't yelling at each other, we weren't pushing each other or trying to take the other person down. Love, we were fighting for each other and in some cases we still are. I will never stop fighting for you, for us. Look at us baby, we made it! You are mine and I am yours. Thats the way it should aways be.

The fourth moment was the fist time we made love. I have never known the feeling of truly connecting with another person on such an intimate level. We took our time tangling ourselves in each other, chest to chest, the beat of your heart matching mine. I felt you, every part of you slowly until I couldn't remember how to breathe. We showed each other how much we love one another that night. The way you said my name, the way you kiss my neck, the way you look up at me with those eyes drives me completely insane. Our bodies fit perfectly together, longing for one another. That love isn't meant for anyone but you. I showed you my heart and that will remain for your eyes only. The feeling of you wrapped in my arms under the sheets is something I will never get tired of.

The fifth moment was the first time you called my apartment home. This was something we had talked about for awhile but you insisted that moving in together was a bad idea. I still don't understand why, most of your things were at my place anyway. I just think you were afraid of the label even though you will never admit it. We had just gotten back from our trip to New York, you unlocked the door and waltzed right in. I watched you as you unpacked your things being too tired to do it as neatly as you normally would. You washed your face, brushed your teeth, threw on one of my t-shirts and ran into bed. You were living with me and you refused to admit it. I got into bed and wrapped my arms around you. You cuddled into me, letting yourself fall into a deep sleep. Before you drifted you whispered into my ear. “Its good to be home.” You have no idea how much that meant to me. You are my home, it doesn't matter where we are in the world as long as I am with you I am home

The sixth moment was the first time I told you I wasn't going to use the blockers anymore. You understand anxiety better than anyone I know. There have been countless nights that you have stayed up with me, talking me through a panic attack. Your patience and kindness is something that never runs thin. I don't know how to thank you for walking with me through some of the darkest moments of my life. When I first told you I was going to perform without them you cried. You held me in your arms and kissed me harder than I have ever been kissed before. Your support means the world to me and you did everything you could to reassure me that getting off of them was the best decision I could have ever made. It was a battle and there was definitely moments that I wanted to quit. You were there every step of the way. I will never be able to repay you for that, I love you so much.

The finial moment was the first time you said I love you. It took you awhile to say it back to me but I wasn't afraid. I knew you would say it back when your heart told you, you were ready. We were at my cousins wedding, I was a groomsmen and I remember it was so hard to focus on anything but you. You wore a light blue dress that brought out your eyes perfectly. You sat with my family and as soon as the music began I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. I couldn't help but imagine what our wedding would be like, what you would look like walking down the isle to me. They chose can't help falling in love for the song my cousin walked down the isle too. You turned and our eyes met, the version of the song was beautiful, not as beautiful as you. It was our own secret moment no one else had a clue of what was going on between me and you. We stared into each others eyes for the entirety of the song. Your eyes began to water and suddenly everything slipped away. There was a moment the instruments went away and all I could hear were the lyrics, I know you felt that way too. You looked at me and mouthed the words ‘I love you’. I stood at the alter with the biggest smile on my face as I said it back as quickly as I could. I knew right then and there that my heart completely belonged to you. I want to hear you say those words over and over again. Please never stop saying those words to me my love. I love you, I love you I love you.

I could go on for years about how much you mean to me. I could add this very moment where you are curled up in my chest as I type this on my phone, Your mouth is wide open as you sleep peacefully. You have no idea that in a few short days I am going to ask you to marry me. I can't wait to start our journey together, its only the beginning for us my love. Heres to our future, heres to our happiness, and heres to you. There is no one in this world like you. I love you forever- Shawn

#Shawn Mendes #ShawnMendes #Shawn Mendes Imagines #Shawn Mendes fan fiction #mendes army #Shawn Mendes fluff #Shawnmendesfluff #Shawn Mendes x reader #Fanfiction #harry styles #inmyblood #fallin all in you #canthelpfallinginlove #love #writing #shawnmendes 2019 #shawnmendesimagines

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flweralessia · 5 years

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Shawn in the studio 😭! + his lil head bop

#shawn #shawn mendes #studio #mendes #InMyBlood

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bubblegumholland · 5 years

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The One That Got Away (Bad Boy AU! Shawn Mendes X Reader)

A/N: Honestly today has been shit for me. I’ve cried like 4 times and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been in love, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed. I’ve always wanted love, to be loved by someone. I’ve officially been reading fan-fiction for 5 years, reading about all these love stories and perfect men who would do anything for their girl. But I don’t know if I believe in love. Every single woman in my family has been divorced so I’ve never had a relationship that actually real to look at and go “I want that.” Every night I dream of this perfect guy to come sweep me off my feet and prove me wrong. To kiss me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. But then I wake up. And I realize it was never real. The romance, the stolen moments, the tender kisses, the boy. None of it was real. Sometimes I’m scared it never will be.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME

ENJOY

Warnings: Angst (as usual), language, heartbreak, death, probably my worst work. (Based on The One That Got Away by Katy Perry)

You met Shawn at your high-school graduation and was immediately intrigued. You were taken with his suave personality and dangerous habits. He was the definition of a storybook Bad Boy. He was never spotted without his signature smirk and black leather jacket. A panty-dropping smile that had all the girls swooning. Almost all of them, you had never cared for his idiotic ways before. But for some reason, he chose you. Maybe it was because when you first met you didn’t swoon, you knew his reputation. But regardless, you fell for him. And he fell for you, or so you thought.

You decided to surprise him with a little gift *wink *wink* at his place. Your car pulled up in his neighborhood in front of his condo. One of his roommates answered the door. “Oh, Hey Y/N” Brian greeted.

“Hey Brian, is Shawn home?” you asked.

He nodded, “Yeah, in his room.” He opened the door wider, inviting you in. You tiptoed through the house so Shawn didn’t hear you, he was always so cute when he was surprised. His bedroom door was cracked so you heard his voice before you knocked.

“Yeah, it was a prank. I’ll break up with her after we hook up.” Your heart dropped. Did he just say that? You didn’t think you’d be able to face him after what he said so you stormed out of the house.

Shawn paused when he heard the front door slam shut, “Lemme’ call you back.” he ends the conversation. He peeked out of his room and went over to Brian’s.

“Did you scare another girl?” Shawn teased. “Actually, you did.” His roommate deadpanned without a smile. Shawn furrowed his eyebrows. “What?” “Y/N came here to surprise you, did she come in your room?” Shawn flipped, you totally heard his conversation.

“Shit,” he cursed heading for the door. “What are you doing?” Brian questioned.

“Getting my girl back.” Shawn grabbed his jacket and bolted for his motorcycle. He drove much faster than he should’ve and narrowly avoided a couple accidents but all he could think about was explain himself to you.

____

You were startled out of your emotional breakdown to the sound of someone pounding on the door. You pushed open the door to reveal the source of your sorrow. “Shawn I’m not in the mood for this...” you attempted to shut the door but he stopped it with his foot. “Y/N, It isn’t what you think-” “-you didn’t pretend to love me to I’d sleep with you!” He bit his lip, “Well, yes but-” “That’s all I need to know,” “But I fell in love with you!” He protested. “I was a joke to you” you whispered, the defeat in your voice evident. You walked towards the door and opened it, “Get out..” Shawn attempted to protest, “Y/N I love you please-” “GET OUT!” she screamed. His eyes widened, as he tried to explain again. “No! Shawn, No! Just get out I wish I never met you!” He stared at the tears forming in your eyes, “Just get out...” she whimpered. He bowed his head and trudged to the door.

‘I’m so sorry, Y/N”

And he left. But if you knew that would be the last time you saw him, you would’ve never let him leave.

____

Tears fogged his vision as the his bike tore down the street, if only he was thinking straight. The maybe he would’ve seen the semi coming, maybe her crying face wouldn’t have been the last thing he thought of.

_____

“We aren’t here to mourn the death of Shawn Peter Raul Mendes, but to celebrate his life. From the years 1998-2019 he spread joy and love to all those who met him. We must cherish the memories, for they’re all we have left. Rest in peace, child.”

The rain pouring from the sky masked the tears that slid down your face. The black dress you wore clung to your body from the moisture. Your glassy eyes stared at the coffin being lowered into the ground, and then rose to meet his crying family’s frames. You felt as if it was your fault, he died leaving your house and a fight you started. And something’s you can’t take back. No matter how much you wish you could.

In another life, I would be your girl We keep all our promises, be us against the world In another life, I would make you stay So I don't have to say you were the one that got away The one that got away

#Shawn Mendes X Reader #Shawn Mendes #Bubblegumholland #senorita #inmyblood #mercy #Shawn Mendes Imagines #music #sad #angst #Thereisn'talwaysahappilyeverafter

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