#it is a very isolating experience and i understand the impetus to only want to be around ppl who agree with u and have the same experiences

[fefairys]

definitely something to be said about the privilege of having queer community in real life. cause not everywhere has places where u can go and easily/safely meet other queer people... so there are a lot of people online who are in echo chambers bc they only surround themselves with people like them and they dont really know any queer ppl irl (through no fault of their own) and so they end up only knowing about perspectives of themself and people who agree with them on everything.

in real life queer communities youre not going to agree with everyone on everything, but thats a good thing. we're all from different backgrounds and have different experiences, different upbringings, etc. online if you disagree with someone you can just unfollow them, but if you're in a community irl and you disagree with someone you cant just kick them out of their damn community. you have to listen to each others perspectives and find common ground. and sometimes agree to disagree on certain things. i feel very lucky to be able to be exposed to so many different queer experiences through my irl queer friends that i wouldn't have if my only exposure to the queer community was the people i choose to surround myself with online.

[cheri-translates]

Hello cheri! How is your day? Im a fellow gavin stan but recently there is a guy stealing my attention and its shaw hahaha bt i still love gavin my 1st love on game. anyway on your opinion how did mc fell for shaw? And when shaw finds out he likes mc? Thank you ❤

(´･ᴗ･ ` ) Hello Anon! My day is great after receiving this interesting yet challenging question~ The development of a relationship requires the involvement of both parties, so I ended up discussing both questions simultaneously!

Here are the short answers to your questions, but do note that these are just my personal opinions:

1. She uncovered and accepted his complexities

2. Exciting Moment Date

A summary of the Shaw x MC dynamics can be found in these lines from Exciting Moment Date: 

Let’s dive deeper into each line.

-

1. “Emboldened by the straightforward response, I couldn’t help but move closer to him.”

For this, we have to chart the development of MC’s impression of Shaw across the dates.

Shaw’s first event (i.e. Night Fire) took place one week after MC entered the Winter World. In a world where nobody else recognised her, it was perfectly natural for MC to gravitate towards Shaw despite not knowing him well:

At the same time, her instincts cautioned her to stay away from him. After all, how good could a person be if he seemed to dye his hair in a flamboyant colour, wore a riveted jacket, and handed out fake identities like it’s nothing?

Her instincts also warned her that he was the one who attempted to strike Victor in Ch 10 of the main storyline:

At this point, she was likely experiencing two conflicting emotions. On one hand, she was very dependent on him and filled with gratitude for the emotional and practical help he gave her. 

In a world where she had no idea how to proceed, Shaw’s straightforwardness and self-assured nature likely provided her a huge sense of comfort.

At the same time, her instincts sounded the alarm bells in her head.

But being the kind and good-natured MC she is, she continued sticking around with Shaw and was even concerned for his well-being. 

Within the span of one day in One-Day Date, she didn’t just move closer to him physically, but also learnt that he’s actually a graduate student in Loveland University who takes his exams seriously. She also learnt that he’s a talented bass player, and also talented in graffiti. 

She learnt that perhaps there’s greater substance to this young man than she originally thought. And this led to her curiosity being aroused - what more could she uncover about this mysterious man?

One glaring commonality in Shaw’s early dates is that MC asks A LOT of questions. Just as Shaw was intrigued by MC, MC was equally intrigued by him, and actually expressed it even more clearly.

There are too many questions to list down, so here are Shaw’s reactions to them instead:

In the Rosa Rubus event:

In the Genuine or Fake Call from Seeking Date:

In Exciting Moment Date:

MC can’t help but draw nearer to him.

-

2. “The music was being played at a low volume. But because Shaw was wearing only one earphone and the room was quiet, I could still hear the sound of music coming from the other earphone.”

As mentioned at the start, both parties needed to take a step for the relationship to develop successfully. Hence, it didn’t matter if MC barraged Shaw with questions if he wasn’t receptive to them. 

He needed to take the initiative to “wear only one earphone” so that MC was able to understand him through the other. At the same time, MC needed to listen carefully to the “low volume” of Shaw’s genuine feelings.

To elaborate on the above paragraph, we have to understand the way Shaw operates.

In a recent Ask where someone asked about his personality, I mentioned that he’s straightforward like Gavin yet mysterious like Lucien. This might come across strange because how could such a contradiction exist?

But that’s exactly how Shaw is. The reason why Shaw behaves like this is due to a mix of nature and nurture. 

He’s naturally impetuous (e.g. drawn to adrenaline-stirring activities such as skateboarding, performing rock, sneaking into places he shouldn’t be sneaking into). But he was taught by experience and in the study of archaeology to be patient.

Basically, this mixture of nature and nurture results in push-pull dynamics when it comes to Shaw, and a beautifully crafted slow burn where Shaw has to grapple with his feelings for MC. I’ve done a post on his early feelings for MC which you can check out here!

[PUSH] In One-Day Date, he asked her out yet left her to dry:

[PULL] Afterwards, he invited her to indulge in his hobby, and even asked her keep her art on the wall even though he insulted it 5 seconds ago:

[PULL] In Exciting Moment Date, he wanted to spend time alone with MC:

[PUSH] But he didn’t have a concrete plan on what they’d do:

[PUSH] He made it seem like holding hands wasn’t a big deal:

[PULL] But he vehemently refused to let go:

[PUSH] In Exciting Date, he closed himself off:

[PULL] But relented soon afterwards:

Remember how I mentioned before that MC tended to barrage Shaw with a ton of questions in his earlier dates? Interestingly, Shaw didn’t actually mind them.

We see this in his Genuine or Fake Call from Seeking Date:

And also in his Future Bass Call from Exciting Date:

Deep down, Shaw wants to be understood. He wants to be heard. But he needs someone who’s thick-skinned enough to handle his sharp tongue, and to care enough to understand the hidden meaning behind his words, whether said or unsaid. I’ll return to this point at the end.

And at the same time, MC listens. Aside from asking questions about his present motivations, she also wanted to know about his past, and about him as a person:

Anger reveals a lot about a person’s true concerns, so let’s break down this particular line when MC went off on a little rant about Shaw:

In other words, “You’re a contradiction and I can’t comprehend how your mind works. I’m feeling frustrated because I can’t seem to understand your thought process. I wish you would stop disagreeing with me because I want to be on the same wavelength as you are. I really want to understand you."

-

3. “To my surprise, it was an instrumental - slow, deep, soft, mixed with the sound of rain.”

While Shaw engages in this this pull-push tango with MC while she tries to understand him, she is surprised when she sees that there’s more to Shaw than his bravado.

In One-Day Date, she notices his vulnerability:

In Seeking Date, she gets a glimpse of -

His seriousness:

His quietness:

His kindness in the way he kicked the stone away to prevent others from tripping over it:

His meticulousness, albeit slightly delayed:

In Exciting Date (including the prologue), she guesses that there’s more depth to Shaw that she realised:

She is also a recipient of his kindness:

Again and again:

-

4. “Gingerly, I moved another step toward him for a clearer listen.”

These traits drew her closer to him. She started trusting him without even realising it.

In Seeking Date:

In the prologue of Exciting Date:

She also picked up the way he speaks in the Rosa Rubus event and Exciting Date (and even more so in future CN content):

How did Shaw respond to MC’s incessant drive to know him more? He imbibed the words of his mentor:

He was very patient.

He tested her tenacity in running errands as his informant. He tested how well she kept to her promises. He tested how much she cared about the Dragonfly Eye bead he gave her. He tested how much she cared about not making a fool of Isolated on stage.

He also took his sweet time grappling with why he was inexplicably drawn to her, which manifested in the form of the push-pull dynamics mentioned earlier in Point 2. 

Was he simply an observer toying with MC? Was he simply deriving amusement from MC’s reactions?

And after all that testing and waiting, he finally knew for sure:

Shaw not only offered to let MC into his world. 

He also carved out a space in his world for her.

And that’s when the Shaw x MC ship sailed.

[siriusblackblock]

A long-overdue introduction

Hi everyone!

I am (relatively) new to Tumblr, meaning I’ve been here listening and watching from afar for a few years now (not in a creepy way. Scratch that, in a totally creepy way), without daring to take a more active role (I don’t even know what ‘a more active role’ would entail to be perfectly honest!).

I’m not even sure how to use most of the features on Tumblr, I had my first computer very late and am very easily confused by everything remotely social-media-like. The most I achieved was a blog that I was too afraid to make public!

But through my best friend, I discovered this new world I was completely unaware of and waow, what a day. I discovered a community that is so rich and diverse and accepting. A community that feeds my desire to learn new things and more importantly, new ways of thinking.

I tune in almost everyday, always excited to see what’s in store for this new day of craziness.

I wanted to get more involved but didn’t know quite how so I decided I would reach out through what I’m passionate about and that’s writing.

I have been writing my whole life but I come from a very isolated place where it was hard to find people with similar interests and I didn’t find anyone to share it with before a very long time. Even then it was difficult. I didn’t push it further because I was shy and afraid what I wrote wasn’t good enough for other eyes than mine.

I kept it all hidden, stubbornly re-writing my poor paragraphs sometimes dozens of time each, thinking about little else for hours on end, practically everyday. It was an inner life that was so full, yet completely unknown by even the people closest to me. The only two times where I dared to open up and share what I did, I was shut down or ignored and it struck me very deeply.

Then I met the right people, or should I say the right person and it changed dramatically. For starters, she introduced me to the merry little world of fanfiction. I couldn’t believe it. I finally found representation, understanding, people that I could sympathize with, understand.

Then, years after gorging myself with all these amazing stories that I never thought I would have access to, I tried it.

Again thanks to that great friend of mine. She supported me, read what I had done (a big first for me!) and gave me the courage to post it.

Through fanfiction and this friendship (yes I am perfectly aware of how corny it sounds, but I don’t care coz it’s fucking true), I discovered a well of creativity so deep, so diverse, so fierce, that it gave me the impetus to write again.

It helped me and inspired me so much with my other works. It helped me get a better English, because it’s not my native language and it’s damn hard. And it also helped me explore a lot of internal questions and doubts I had struggled with and ignored for years.

Posting my fanfictions online for anyone to read was one of the scariest and most liberating experiences of my life.

So here I am now, I posted a few fanfictions online, I have a gazillion more in progress (yeah, I fully embraced the curse). Some of them I’m proud of, other less, but I’m trying to be nicer to myself and to accept that I’m still learning and that they don’t have to be perfect to be shared.

I’d like to try and be more involved in the fanfic community even if I don’t quite know how yet. I’d love to connect with other writers, share moments, tips, advice, stories and more generally, share our passion.

My profile on AO3 is Badam_Luumsss. I mostly read from the Harry Potter fandom, even if I really enjoy works from many other fandoms and that’s what I write (for now).

I would be over the moon if some of you wanted to reach out to me to just chat, hang out, give me advice or share your experience of the fanfic world, guide me on how to connect with people with whom I could have shared interests.

I also wanted to thank all of you, I feel very privileged to be part of a community that is so caring, accepting, tolerant, wholesome, hope-giving, inspiring and batshit crazy (because let’s be honest where would be the fun if not?).

I hope I’ll be able to give back at least a tiny fraction of what I received.

So thank you. And I’ll conclude this lengthy tirade with the famous words of Christopher McCandless:

“Happiness is only real when shared.”

[prince-of-elsinore]

On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Hearts Like Ours

Had a chance to sit down and write out some Pearl Feelings, shoutout to @jeejyboard for the enabling encouragement.

Contains pearls cuddling and having important and long-needed discussions. Incipient VolleyPearl, with vagueish mentions of Pearl/Rose, Pearl/Bismuth, Pearl/every wlw in the tri-state area. Post-Volleyball and spoilers for same. No warnings. ~3200 words.

---

Hearts Like Ours

With the understanding comes an entirely novel type of relief. 

Pearl remembers - will vividly remember for as long as her gem endures - how it felt, years ago now, to finally work around that one last order and tell Steven, tell all of them, what they should have known for so long. The immense unburdening of the last, biggest secret just being gone, and the feeling of her gravity adjustment being just a tad off, a new lightness and ease to every step and every move she made.

This is new, and different. So much finally makes sense, and somehow, somehow, it makes everything just that last bit easier to deal with. The whys mattered a fair bit more than Pearl would have thought, perhaps.

The awkward silences in the Moon base, and the odd looks she could never parse despite being made for whim-fulfilment, and the hiding, the near-desperate burying, the secrets, the hands over her mouth, pressing, holding in--

The baby, wiggling in her arms, and the snow outside, and the mist catching on the windows of the van, and the bitter, bitter tears, and--

“She wanted this so much...”

Well.

A soft, satisfied hum comes from her right, in that voice that’s so much like hers while sounding nothing like her at all, and ah, this blithe, oddly endearing little puzzle piece she has found at long last, busy snuggling into the side of her neck as they sit overlooking the beach, soaking in another remarkably calm evening.

(A fascinating, if passing, thought: that pearls of all gems served as the impetus for so much.)

It is a tad strange, to have someone’s head on her shoulder while they are side by side like this. For the other to not have to bend down, or be kneeling next to Pearl standing, or any special arrangement needing to be made at all.

Not better, or worse in any way Pearl can begin to quantify. Just different. And how oddly wonderful, to still be discovering something after so many years and so many experiences.

The other pearl is pressed comfortably close. It’s nothing like the rich, vast softness, just made (dreamt up) for Pearl to get lost in like in a relentless storm of lush, rosy petals… or like the overflowing lava-heat radiating off arms and work-roughened hands both unspeakably strong and unspeakably gentle… or like the wide variety of textures and sensations and the odd complexity and fragility and endurance and fascinating inherent contradictions of the very human women she has had flit in and out of her life in recent times.

This is something new, again. Something Pearl has so far never really had. Made as she was just a tad too late - oh, bad timing is certainly part of it, but a part of it, too, is that that’s just how it was for pearls. The specific sort of loneliness. 

Well, she supposes Yellow and Blue were… colleagues and acquaintances, for as much as their paths happened to cross, but the Moon base came so quickly, and with it the Earth, and then… all the ages of isolation after that.

Despite Pearl’s best efforts, only a few pearls had ever joined the rebellion, and their stays had been tragically short. And much to her continued dismay and even after thousands of years of searching, none of them have surfaced among the corrupted.

Not yet, she amends internally. Not yet, is all.

It causes an odd twisting deep where her stomach might be, if she ever bothered to form one. Once, all of these pearls would have been considered too precious - or at least too inconvenient - to shatter. Repair and rejuvenation, as many times as was needed. But at least they’d still be, and not in… in the Cluster, or some horrible experiment, or who even knew where...

Pearl shakes her head, tries to shake the heaviness off altogether. Comparing fates like this is… difficult. And ultimately pointless.

It was their choice to come, Pearl recites to herself again and again and again, and finds that she always needs the reminder. Her encouragement had not been coercion. Ever. After all, so many had looked her in the eye and outright rejected the very idea of abandoning their posts, owners - lives, such as they were. And it was only some deeply ingrained pearl-loyalty and strange sympathy that made them reluctant to report and denounce her trouble-stirring outright.

“What are you thinking about?” Oh, how does she always sound so impeccably sweet? Where Pearl would surely be termed shrill and inappropriate and lesser according to yet another one of the labyrinthine, nonsensical sets of pearl standards. And- ah, there is a hand curling gently over hers now. “Seems serious.”

“Us,” Pearl replies without a second thought, then feels the blue rush to her face as she realises what she made it sound like.

“Oh?” Hopeful, almost, and the head lifts gently off Pearl’s shoulder, turning to face her better. Moonlight plays over the edges of the webbing cracks, and Pearl entertains an odd little thought about the inappropriateness of calling it her ‘bad side’ when, really, all sides of her were very good, if Pearl had any say in the matter--

“Us - all of us,” she stumbles to correct, “Pearls.”

It might just be her imagination, but there is a slight downturn to that mouth now, usually so stubbornly bent on smiling.

It’s far too early to classify their relationship properly, no matter how excellent Pearl is at sorting and categorising things. But there is clearly something behind the insistence on closeness with a very noticeable eagerness, something about the timing of her (rosy, rosy) blushes and fluttery gazes, the singling out of Pearl in particular…

Hm.

There is something to be said, too, for the comparisons Pearl’s own mind insists on making, the contexts she finds herself placing it all in near-constantly. And Volley - Pearl has, with her approval, shortened the nickname to a rather interestingly martial-sounding variant, significantly easier to wrap her mind and mouth about - insists on holding on to some part of Pearl at every moment available. It is certainly incredibly endearing. And perhaps it is something more, too.

“Do you have a type?”

One of those silly human concepts, perhaps, but, oh, does she ever. A few swipes through her cellular phone, a quick look through the lovely ‘selfie’ images provided by the various equally lovely human women over the past couple of years... the pattern is immediately, glaringly obvious. It is not something to be concerned with or ashamed of, she’s learned - Sheena, who has been a gift in so many ways, reinforced that in her usual teasing manner several times, and so have a few since--

Well. The unbubbled rose quartzes were certainly a terrible challenge in a myriad of ways.

“Do you have a type?”

Certainly. And this is nothing like it.

(Well, there is pink, of course, in abundance.)

A type.

All gems of the same type are… more or less… the same, in many significant ways. Are certainly considered the same. And all the accessories and appearance modifiers available, all the vast, varied selections and whimsical seasonal rotations, cannot really mask this, the essential sameness of pearls. The narrow shoulders and barely-there hips, a wisp-thin figure, bony, in human terms, though of course their forms contain nothing of the sort. The long, long limbs, prominent pointed noses, inherent floaty grace and almost exaggerated elegance, the array of shared mannerisms...

Pearl hasn’t felt this aware of her own self and her own projection in eons. Maybe ever. But here she is--

And here is another pearl. Just like her. But nothing like her at all.

She has learned, for example, that Volley loves when Pearl very chivalrously puts her jacket around her shoulders under the pretense of helping her keep warm - though naturally Gems do not feel the cold at all. She also seems to be quite fond of the casual arm slung around those same shoulders, and Pearl finds herself all too happy to oblige.

Something about the other pearl seems to prompt a spike of almost ridiculous protectiveness. Pearl wants so badly to protect and shelter and she doesn’t even know what from, but she does know that though she might not need to, not really, it feels… right. Good, even.

It occurs to her, as she lifts her right hand and traces her fingers lazily down a bare segment of a pale pink back - not actually bare, of course, or any different from any other part of a Gem’s projection, but Earth has its way of sneaking into your thinking - that she is affording another, this other pearl, this other Pearl, a level of gentleness and consideration she has never quite managed to afford herself.

An odd avenue for something like... self-love? Strong word, perhaps. Oh, but Bismuth would adore it, would joyfully crow about what a wonderful and utterly radical concept in the eyes of Homeworld it is, and what a terribly renegade-suited thing it would be, for Pearl to master it.

Perhaps? Again, it’s all still very new.

“Well I don’t see any other pearls around right now,” comes an almost-chirp from her side, jarring Pearl from her increasingly convoluted musings and into a chuckle.

Oh, Volley, always ready to fire one! A witty little thing she’s shown herself to be in the past few days - though of course the ‘little’ part is simply a very human term of endearment, as they are of exactly the same size in any dimension considered. Of course.

Look at that smirk, though, intolerable! Such quiet audacity, it’s utterly… charming.

Pearl draws little circles on the long palm, barely touching, and feels her own mouth pull irresistibly into a smile. “Hah! You got me there.”

Volley doesn’t comment, but winds her arm around Pearl’s in return, and Pearl for her part finds herself considering… sharing.

She traces another circle, then a more elaborate spiral branching out, as their hands rest gently against her thigh. Volley doesn’t seem to mind - seems to be quite content just following the lightly dancing fingers and imaginary shapes with a soft gaze. It’s a comfortable silence, one Pearl feels slightly reluctant to interrupt. The growing desire to share and maybe, just maybe, connect a bit more wins out.

“You asked me what she got me.”

The Oh? she gets in reply sounds mildly uncertain, but also curious.

Pearl clears her throat, very unnecessarily. “She didn’t-- well. Pink Diamond never wanted too much to do with me, back when- when I was her pearl and when we were still- erm, behaving like it? Except she didn’t want to - behave like it, that is. But not like later,” Pearl rushes to amend and clarify, “with Rose, not that kind of, er, non-behaving. I mean--” 

She huffs. Stars, always so damnably difficult to put into words, all of it! Even without any… restrictions in place.

“I mean... she never wanted me, really, not the way she was supposed to - me, the replacement. It’s quite clear to me now, in retrospect.” Especially after the- after our fusion. But that still seems oddly difficult to talk about with mere words, when the experience had been so… much. “She never changed any customisation settings, she never picked out any accessories…” 

“Oh no, that sounds awful!”

And Volley sounds so sincere and filled with such concern, and her arm tightens around Pearl’s in what is clearly an attempt at reassurance, but... 

In the end it was a very particular and peculiar sort of… relief, or unburdening, almost, to have not been wanted like that. Oh, it was terrifying at first - failing at her very purpose, an unwanted pearl - may as well have been a shattering sentence! But then the Earth with its wonders, and the rising, yearning chorus of I’m not yours, I’m not yours, I’m not yours after that day in the clearing, the daily struggle of becoming (and of wanting so very badly to be) the Terrifying Renegade, right-hand Gem and indispensable confidante of Rose Quartz, while still routinely playing Pink Diamond’s Dutiful Pearl whenever needed--

Stars, it’s no wonder she still has a giant mess of things to work through!

“You know, the only time I ever saw the Reef, aside from when they came to pick me up in the first place, was this one incident where I got damaged in a battle with a topaz, and we, the Crystal Gems, took over the spire we’d been besieging, but we - that is, Pink and I - were already late for a meeting with Blue and Yellow Diamond, when we were still supposed to keep up appearances, and, ah--”

She stops herself, and glances to her right. Volley is gazing at her, unblinking and unreadable.

“I’m sorry! I do tend to… ramble on.”

“I don’t mind.”

It’s a simple enough statement. Now, as Pearl looks up to meet Volley’s eye once more, she thinks about how very funny it is, how things end up happening, how fates work out -  could she have been the one cracked, bleached under millennia of direct control? Would Volley have risen to the occasion of an interplanetary war, with all the confusing subterfuge piled on top?

Pearl hums thoughtfully, and tucks a stray strand of hair neatly into a pink bun, slightly dishevelled due to its bearer’s recent insistence on cuddling into Pearl’s side, or under her chin, or anywhere within reach, really.

Sure, Volley may seem as unassuming and frivolous as a pearl can be to the casual outside observer, but Pearl finds she has very little doubt. And she finds she doesn’t begrudge her insistence on some rather sensitive lines of questioning, either, back at the Reef.

“I’m sorry I was… abrasive towards you, when we were going to the repair centre. Or demeaning towards things that clearly meant a lot to you. These are all difficult subjects for me still, as, ha,” Pearl leans in conspiratorially, “you’ve no doubt noticed by now.”

“I have,” Volley agrees with a tiny nod that almost makes her cheek brush against Pearl’s. Almost. “And I’m sorry I was trying to make you feel like you were... less important somehow. It was a very silly competition, wasn’t it?”

“I’m certain by now that competition between pearls serves nothing,” Pearl huffs disdainfully, “except to reinforce insidious Homeworld ideas and drive us away from each other when what we should be doing is drawing closer together.”

“I agree! That sounds just like what Bismuth and I ended up concluding!” Volley sounds increasingly enthusiastic, and her free hand comes up to gesture excitedly. “It was a very interesting and lively discussion. I enjoyed it a lot!”

Pearl blinks. “You’ve been talking to Bismuth?”

“I have! She’s very nice. Very passionate, and very thoughtful, too.”

Pearl raises an eyebrow at that. Not a disapproving one, she’d have to admit. “Yes, yes she is.”

She files her entirely-not-disapproving line of thought away for another time, and looks down. Their fingers have become entwined without Pearl even truly noticing. 

“Oh, all this talk, when I just wanted to say that no, I don’t have any ribbon wands or fans or hoops to show you. But I do have a great many souvenirs of… a different nature. Ones I very happily personally prefer, and treasure a great deal.”

She doesn’t doubt she’s already shared some of it, in their hasty, desperate, utterly amazing fusion - hard to be completely certain when that part is still a bit of a blur of sensation. But there would have been at least some quick thoughts of a few favoured sabres, rapiers, and spears while settling on a weapon best suited to their dramatic escape, with some flashes of feeling and memory tied to each.

“I can show you-- I would very much like to show you some of the things that mean a lot to me.”

“I would be honoured!” Volley blurts out with almost a squeak of delight and a little bounce, and the sincerity with which she clearly means it makes Pearl feel all fluttery again. “I-I mean… I would like that very much.”

“It took some time to figure out some of the more complex feelings involved, I can tell you!” Pearl waves a hand, trying to somehow encompass the entire contradictory tangle. “Receiving things - gifts, or weapons - or, well, both at the same time, usually, with what utter works of art Bismuth’s always insisted on making. All useful items, absolutely nothing like the decorative accessories one would associate with… things I was so, so eager to distance myself from. And yet!”

And oh, there it is, another novelty - sharing this with someone who is very uniquely poised to understand. Of course Garnet is an excellent listener, and always ready with her brand of steady reassurance. And Bismuth has always been the best person in the universe to vent to, and a great proponent of the benefits of the old frustration- and anger-releasing sparring match. There is empathy among all of them, parallels to draw from between all their varied experiences and doubts and struggles, and a tight-knit solidarity that’s had years and years to develop.

This is a very… particular thing, though. And Pearl is, er, pushing it a bit, perhaps - the last thing she wants is to inadvertently shut Volley down in some way by being overbearing.

“Oh, look at me going on and on and on, again! Do feel free to stop me. You can’t get a word in edgewise, poor thing.”

She tries to laugh it up and laugh it off - but Volley is oddly sombre at her side, looking into the distance, seeming lost in thought.

“You sound like you’ve done a lot of it, though,” Volley says. “Figuring out.”

The cracks on her face have stopped growing. Have receded a bit, even - not that Pearl is too ready to admit careful study of said face. Not quite yet.

“I have quite a bit to do myself, don’t I?”

“Probably,” Pearl agrees, all feigned casualness, “but you have all the time in the world to do it. Trust me when I say it can... take a while. And you’re welcome here, of course, for as long as you like.” 

“Thank you,” Volley murmurs, barely audible over the sea breeze and lapping waves. “You’ve already been such a help.”

“So have you!” Pearl replies, voice softened to match, taking her hand between both of hers. Enveloping, but not stifling. “I’m glad. I hope I can continue to be.”

Volley doesn’t say anything to that, but somehow manages to squirm even closer, head coming to rest against what is clearly shaping up to be her favourite spot on Pearl’s shoulder. They’re both tangled up in Volley’s diaphanous skirts like this, and it feels like, oh - yes, that was definitely some gentle and oddly delightful burrowing into the side of Pearl’s neck just then.

Pearl lets her own cheek press lightly against a pink bun. When she starts to hum, nonspecific and soothing, she hears a light counterpoint slowly weave in.

[writing-prompts-for-friends]

Notes from Robert McKee’s “Story” 13: Premise, Theme, and How to Discover Both

Heads up: we’re in for a long but absolutely essential post for any writer or creator anywhere. This post summarizes a section of Robert McKee’s book Story, specifically the section that tells you how to determine the core message of your story. Not the plot, but what you want the plot to mean to your audience.

All stories need a premise and a controlling idea to guide them. Without one or the other, you will have a meandering mess that will leave readers asking themselves afterwards, “What did I just read and why did I bother to read it?”

Premise

Simply put, “premise” is whatever inspired you to create your story. 

Quite often we start writing a story based on a “what if...?” premise. When I was in junior high, my parents went to a Marilyn Manson concert (Why are they cooler than me?) and I thought to myself, “What if they never came back? How would my life change?” Not that I wanted them not to come back lol. But that was the impetus for the first novel I ever wrote and finished. 

Premise doesn’t only have to come from “What if” questions. It can come from anything. An intriguing commercial, a daydream, a nightmare, something that happened to you or a friend, a line in a poem. Doesn’t matter. Whatever creates that initial spark--that’s your Premise. 

Once you have your Premise, you can begin writing. But realize that whatever inspired you to write in the first place does not have to be kept in the final product. A Premise is not precious. It is the kindling that starts the fire, and if the path of the story veers away from the Premise, then so be it. 

“The problem is not to start writing, but to keep writing and renewing inspiration. We rarely know where were going; writing is discovery.”

☝ Probably one of my favorite quotes from this book so far.

In the example of that horrid novel I wrote in junior high, the story started out with the protagonist’s parents going out for dinner and passing away in an accident on the way home. But upon their death she learned that she was actually a government experiment and there’s a big magical phenomenon her secret government agent parents were trying to solve and now the task has fallen to her.... Ugh I was 13 and at the height of my 3edgy5me phase so please don’t judge me lol. What I’m trying to say is that the premise of “What would happen if my parents never came home?” quickly evolved into something else, and that was okay. 

Structure as Rhetoric

“Make no mistake: While a story’s inspiration may be a dream and its final effect aesthetic emotion, a work moves from an open premise to a fulfilling climax only when the writer is possessed by serious thought. For an artist must have not only ideas to express, but ideas to prove. Expressing an idea, in the sense of exposing it, is never enough. The audience must not just understand; it must believe. 

Storytelling is the creative demonstration of truth. A story is the living proof of an idea, the conversion of idea to action. A story’s event structure is the means by which you first express, then prove your idea...without explanation.”

Honestly, McKee says things so well sometimes I feel that i have no choice but to simply quote him. My apologies. 

McKee believes that master storytellers never rely on cheap exposition or dialogue that explicitly explains their idea. If you need to have a paragraph of prose explaining how good always triumphs over evil, or if you need to bad guy to say, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you nosy kids!” then you need to refine your storytelling. 

The reader should be able to feel your idea being built brick by brick, act by act, until it all becomes crystallized in the emotional climax. 

Controlling Idea (a.k.a. “Theme”)

McKee dislikes the word “theme,” as the so-called themes of “war,” “love,”  “poverty,” etc. are too vague. Instead he likes to use the term “controlling idea,” and defines it thus:

“ A Controlling Idea may be expressed in a single sentence describing how and why life undergoes change from one condition of existence at the beginning to another at the end.

A true theme is not a word but a sentence--one clear, coherent sentence that expresses a story’s irreducible meaning. The Controlling Idea shapes the writer’s strategic choices. It will serve as a tool to guide your aesthetic choices toward what is appropriate or inappropriate in your story, toward what is expressive of your Controlling Idea and may be kept versus what is irrelevant to it and must be cut. 

The more beautifully you shape your work around one clear idea, the more meanings audiences will discover in your film as they take your idea and follow its implications into every aspect of their lives. Conversely, the more ideas you try to pack into a story, the more they implode upon themselves, until the work collapses into a rubble of tangential notions, saying nothing.”

So what is the “equation” of the Controlling Idea?

Value + Cause

To recap, values are the universal qualities of human experience that may shift from positive to negative, or negative to positive, from one moment to the next. Some examples of values are justice/injustice, alive/dead, happy/sad, courage/cowardice, etc.

Cause is what makes that value shift from one pole to the other. It is the primary reason that the life or world of the protagonist has changed to its positive or negative value. 

McKee shows the Controlling Idea for various famous films and I will write them out here.

IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (an up-ending Crime Story) Value: Justice is restored... Cause: ...because a perceptive black outsider sees the truth of white perversion.

MISSING (a down-ending Political Thriller) Value: Tyranny prevails... Cause: ...because it’s supported by a corrupt CIA.

GROUNDHOG DAY (a positive-ending Education Plot) Value: Happiness fills our lives... Cause: ...when we learn to love unconditionally.

DANGEROUS LIAISONS (a negative-ending Love Story) Value: Hatred destroys... Cause: ...us when we fear the opposite sex.

How to Find Your Work’s Controlling Idea

I’m going to preface this by saying that i have some personal misgivings on McKee’s statements, but I’ll voice my opinion after I’ve summarized his.

McKee tells us that we find the controlling idea by doing the following:

“Looking at your ending, ask: As a result of this climatic action, what value, positively or negatively charged, is brought into the world of my protagonist? 

Next, tracing backward from this climax, digging to the bedrock, ask: What is the chief cause, force, or means by which this value is brought into his world? 

The sentence you compose from the answers to those two questions becomes your Controlling Idea. 

In other words, the story tells you its meaning; you do not dictate meaning to the story. You do not draw action from idea, rather idea from action. For no matter your inspiration, ultimately the story embeds its Controlling Idea within the final climax, and when this event speaks its meaning, you will experience one of the most powerful moments in the writing life--Self-Recognition: The Story Climax mirrors your inner self, and if your story is from the very best sources within you, more often than not you’ll be shocked by what you see reflected in it.”

I have mixed feelings about McKee’s opinion here. It feels like he’s telling us to leave the Controlling Idea up to our subconscious, that it is wrong to start out knowing the Controlling Idea and plotting out a story that aligns with it. But is it bad to do so? 

For example, Neil Gaiman has stated that when he set out to write Coraline, he did so with the specific intention to tell children that “When you’re scared but you still do it anyways, that’s brave.” In other words, he had the Controlling Idea in place from the start. And it’s a great work. 

On the other hand, a couple years ago I wrote a fanfiction on a whim. It was something that came into my head and I churned out all 200,000 words in about two months with no particular Controlling Idea. But later on, when I re-read it, I realized that the whole thing had been me working through the duality I feel as a white foreigner living in Japan who is fluent in Japanese and has adopted Japanese culture, as well as the frustration and isolation at the xenophobia/othering I encounter on a daily basis. Judging by the climax of the story, the Controlling Idea was, “You will be accepted...when you learn to show each persona (Japanese and American) at the right time every time.” 

This Controlling Idea does match my true feelings on the matter. However, I really wrote this story with absolutely zero direction, and i feel that perhaps I could have turned this story into something better if I had had an awareness of the Controlling Idea as I wrote it. 

McKee adds one more important note to discovering the Controlling Idea:

“If a plot works out exactly as you first planned, you’re not working loosely enough to give room to your imagination and instincts. Your story should surprise you again and again. Beautiful story design is a combination of the subject found, the imagination at work, and the mind loosely but wisely executing the craft.”

So, in other words...

Your Controlling Idea is like the Pirate Code. It exists and it is honored, but not always in the ways that you expect/intend. 

Source: McKee, Robert. Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting. York: Methuen, 1998. Print

[imaginariumwanderer]

Manga recommendation #1

Guess i’ll make this an ongoing series now, since with this i’ll get a chance to talk about my favorite manga/anime and improve my writing a bit.

Onto the main subject, today i’m going to talk about:

Fumetsu no Anata e or To your eternity by Ooima Yoshitoki.

Genres: Drama, Shounen, Supernatural (from MyAnimeList)

If the author’s name sounds familiar to you, it might be because she was also the author of A Silent Voice.

Now, in order to review the manga, i’m going to spoil the content of chapter 1 (along with some manga caps). To your eternity is one of those manga where you can go in blind and decides whenever it’s worth reading or not based on the first chapter alone. But i don’t think just posting a recommendation and then says “just read it, it’s good!” would convince anyone.

So, here’s a short review under the cut for anyone who don’t mind being spoil on the first chapter (you’ve been warned), i’ll discuss (more like gush) about what i like about the manga and why you should read it. Here we go!

First of all, the story+thoughts about chapter 1:

To your eternity follows the journey of an immortal being (a round sphere thingy) who can transforms into dying things, but only if the ‘impetus’ is stronger than the previous one.

Gif by x

After being sent to earth’s surface, the being come across a boy living alone in the middle of tundra. What kind of experiences and meetings will the being come across?

Now, based on the cover image and the first part of chapter 1. I won’t blame you if you’ve expected that the boy would ended up becoming the main character.

Right?

 Yeah, no, chapter 1 spoiler here: The boy freaking DIES, the being then takes his form and continue on his journey for him.

...

The reason why i recommend you to read the first chapter blind was because it gives you a very good idea on what this series would be. A brutal, sad, and absolutely, heartbreakingly beautiful story. We follow the story of an isolated boy, learns about his circumstances, his dreams and wishes, then we lost him, all in just one chapter. It very much let you know about things to come.

This child deserved so so much more *sob*

Art:

As per the author of A silent voice, Ooima Yoshitoki offered us beautiful character designs; expressive, um, expressions; with an extra pinch of highly detailed backgrounds. 

There’s not much to said there, i just really, especially loves the background of this manga. Almost everything is textured and it helps with the world-building a lot:

Look at all of those textures!

Characters:

Yet another special thing about this manga. 

We mostly follows through the perspective of the immortal sphere (who is later named Fushi). As he is not a human, watching him develops his personality while learning new things like how to talk and feel like a human being was a very fascinating experience. And while he’s an indestructible/all-powerful being, the struggles and losses he go through are relatable and understandable. 

All in all, Fushi slowly became a main character who is rather refreshing (an immortal with unique abilities) while being familiar at the same time (fitting into the archetype of the naive, learning protagonist)

Ooima Yoshitoki delves into certain themes such as immortality, death and lost. And it shows very well as Fushi comes to meet with new peoples along his journey, and just like him, we come to know more and connect with them as well. The manga offered a colorful cast that you comes to love and cry for, along with villains that you’ll love-to-hate. 

Since this post is already long-winded enough, i’m not going talk more about the side characters here. Just know that every and all of them are very distinctive and interesting in their own way, so you’re ought to find someone you like!

In conclusion:

To your Eternity is a beautiful manga about a never-ending journey, tragic endings and new, hopeful beginnings.

Come join the club if ya’ll want to stay up at 2 in the morning to cry over a genderless immortal ball.

Do it for him.

[whetstonefires]

I have wandered into your tumblr and I want to know absolutely everything about your ideas for Earth 3 Impetus and Motion. EVERYTHING. Possibly the least relevant part of that is the family line, as Earth 3 often has really skewed versions of the characters. Would the first Johnny Quick even have a speedster grandson when he was killed and his blood used to power his successors?

Oh, cool ask! Thank you!

😄 I’m very happy to talk about this but I’m afraid you may be disappointed, because I’m Doing It Wrong. I’ve been working off and on on a bespoke Earth-3 for the past…several years. Production has slowed but not stopped. It’s up to over 300,000 words on AO3 at this point.

The issue that set me off was that tendency to skew; I didn’t like it. I found that, most of the times DC had built into Earth-3 before rebooting again, there were two countervailing currents leading writing decisions. On the one hand to make things As Wrong As Possible compared to the main timeline, and on the other to just make them…arbitrarily different.

Lois Lane is Superwoman, evil counterpart of Wonder Woman, for some reason, woop-de-do; this fits under both categories.

This process worked neither according to the ‘timeline that diverged into a Bad Timeline at some point in the distant past but somehow contains versions of the same people in the same place’ premise of the original Star Trek ‘Mirror, Mirror’ episode, nor does it work according to any direct cosmic principle of inversion, although some of the early versions claimed to.

(See: Mirror Christopher Columbus discovered Europe and then later Evil George Washington conquered England for the American Empire, what even guys. 😩)

Also Earth-3 so transparently existed almost every time it was reinvented as a place to get villains from, and to look bad in comparison to the main timeline, without any attention to making it work internally, which I thought was a damn waste of a cool concept. ‘A damn waste of a cool concept’ drives a lot of fanwork lol.

So for my world, I had the slightly conflicting goals of working as close to that amorphous thing ‘canon’ as possible, and of making the setting stand on its own, as a superhero setting, with internal causality and more or less the usual sort of hero-versus-villain logic. So I inverted the alignments of only superheroes and supervillains, and kept as much as possible of their backstories intact.

This means my stuff doesn’t map onto any canon Earth-3, especially not the one from Forever Evil because that came out after I’d already gotten all the big things pinned down. 😅 Some people get upset about this and come yell at me about how i.e. Owlman is Thomas Wayne Junior. But since I always saw that particular concept as a huge cop-out from looking at how few alterations it takes to turn Bruce Wayne into a spectacular villain, I was like ‘nuts to that’ from the start.

If you’re cool with my relationship with canon, on we go.

-&-

So, Impetus and Motion! I don’t remember what I said on that one post where I remember blathering about it, so forgive me if I repeat myself. ^^

Lineage is the same as canon, technically. I’ll go over it; if you don’t care just skip ahead to the next subsection. 😄

Mirror Barry Allen, the Dash, got his villain name for his signature kill technique of grabbing someone, hyperaccelerating them, and then letting go at the right moment that they get dashed against something immovable and go splat. He dashes people against things.

(His eventual sidekick, Blaze, got his for liking to make things combust by accelerating their molecules. The combination makes them sound like a pair of racehorses, which they did not intend and are very annoyed by when it’s pointed out.)

The Dash is pretty scary, especially because most of the ways he abuses his speed for profit are so low-key nobody even notices (i.e. screwing with the stock market) and he doesn’t need to be a supervillain. He just likes it.

His public villain profile is relatively low for the level of danger he poses, tho, because his town is infested with really dumb superheroes who beat him embarrassingly often, when he actually turns up to fight or is successfully ambushed. And with the occasional exception the scale of his crimes is fairly small compared to i.e. Ultraman.

Keeping him imprisoned is ridiculously difficult, tho. He can’t be completely depowered (because the Speed Force is external to him and all the power dampeners that are used assume they’re trying to shut off something generated internally) and he’s really smart, so it took years of battles to keep him long enough to transfer into a proper cell even, and longer to get an unblurred look at his face.

His secret identity survived so long that Barry Allen was there to comfort Iris West after she was targeted by the Dash on several occasions, and they were married by the time he got ultimately unmasked.

She left him after that and moved back to the future, which she was still from because that’s hilarious, but he eventually tracked her down and promised to reform if she’d take him back. This obviously fell apart eventually, but not until after the twins were born.

I haven’t mapped out the mirror Thawne line. I assume the Thawnes with healing powers who inadvertently adopted Barry’s twin were much nicer in this timeline but idk if he ever became Cobalt Blue or what. I hope he lived to old age. Apparently there have been multiple Cobalts Blue? Idk idc, Flash continuity what even are you.

Everyone thought Eobard Thawne was nuts, but he actually did go back in time and stop the Dash from destroying the world with nukes in a fit of rage, his historical analysis, method of giving himself speed powers, and time machine were all successful. He may additionally suffer from some degree of psychosis, but he wasn’t wrong. (His little brother still exists in this universe because good!Eobard wasn’t the type to manipulate time to erase inconvenient family members. He also doesn’t have the title Professor because he never got tenure, so he just goes by Zoom.)

-&-

Bart is still Don and Meloni’s kid. Frankly I don’t understand those two in the normal timeline, so it’s hard to construct their mirror versions in any depth or even decide whether they should get mirrored. (Probably not tbh.) But I don’t exactly need to, because the resulting Bart is very much the same and thus doesn’t really know them. He was still born with his weird speed glitch that caused him to be raised in a simulation, and eventually time-traveled to un-glitch him.

The difference is that he’s not a nice kid. He’s a two year old who looks twelve and has received all his socialization from reasonably good AI in a world that was not real. Where nothing had consequences. Where nobody was real.

He’s very frightening, is Impetus. Impetuous, wildly powerful, selfish–oddly sweet, occasionally, in the ‘gay and innocent and heartless’ way of Peter Pan, but probably even more likely than Peter to knife someone. He’s so delighted the first time he eats actual ice cream, as opposed to a simulated version, but the ice cream stand is now on fire.

Mirror Bart isn’t so much cruel or even un-empathetic as solipsistic. He’s arrested in the state of an intellectually advanced toddler playing, what’s that game called, the one where the objective seems to be getting in car chases a lot? When was the last time they made a new one, I feel like I haven’t heard it mentioned in ages, it’s a dead franchise isn’t it I’m old. Grand Theft Auto! That’s it. He doesn’t just not understand that danger is real, the way Impulse started out. People aren’t.

Impetus is easily bored and surrounded by NPCs. It gets ugly, sometimes.

He also time-travels a lot more frequently than normal Bart, because he doesn’t really get attached so he doesn’t try to maintain a normal life of any kind, so he pops up all over the timestream.

Jason Blood hated him personally long before Bart had any idea who he was; they have a villain rivalry plagued by causality issues and closed time loops that is alternately epic and stupid as fuck.

And then there’s Thad. Thad’s had a less awful time than he did in canon, I think–President Thawne is not technically a supervillain so he’s probably about the same as in the original timeline, but even assuming Meloni and Don are still out of the picture (probably it’s Barry’s fault in this dimension?) raising a kid as a ‘defense mechanism against a supervillain’ calls for less extreme brainwashing fuckery than raising one to hunt down a superhero.

So he probably behaved a bit more like a reasonable grandparent, simply because the context incentivized him to emphasize concepts like duty and loyalty more, and hatred less. He might even have been able to go public with Thad’s existence, depending on the spin he came up with. Among other factors.

But it was still a depressing, isolated, dehumanizing way to grow up, and it went on a long time, because as per canon Thad has the opposite problem from Bart in terms of how he passes through time. Motion is a 40-year-old man with a 12 year old’s body and approximate life experience.

Thad was already So Tired when he finally got out into the world on his own, and once he encountered Impetus he learned pretty quickly to both pity and fear him.

Even when Thad tries to avoid Bart and just have a life, Bart always crashes back into his existence again, and in the meantime he feels guilty. Because even if he could completely shake off having been raised to see countering Impetus as his whole reason for existence, he’d still feel a lot of personal responsibility to try, because he has the ability to stand up to him in a way almost no one else does, and he knows Bart’s out there resulting in casualties.

Due to all the time travel involved, even having just defeated Impetus doesn’t mean he’s not still out there at an accessible point in the timestream, needing to be stopped.

Impetus results in Motion the way Inertia resists Impulse. They’re very much locked into an action-and-reaction framework that does not even a little bit help with Thad’s clone identity issues.

Except for how the amount of time Thad spends saving people from Bart has slowly created a fairly large body of people over the course of history who know them as distinct entities, and like Thad a lot better. 

Good feels good. ^^ It’s not necessarily the case that this happens, obviously, but with their alignment swap they also ultimately exchanged who’s defined by isolation. It takes Bart a long, long time to even understand that he’s lonely.

[lgcteearchived]

☮ IN-DEPTH ☮

ISTP-T (THE VIRTUOSO)

Introverted | Observant | Thinking | Prospecting | Turbulent

“I wanted to live the life, a different life. I wanted interesting challenges.”

Virtuosos love to explore with their hands and their eyes, touching and examining the world around them with cool rationalism and spirited curiosity. People with this personality type are natural Makers, moving from project to project, building the useful and the superfluous for the fun of it, and learning from their environment as they go. Virtuosos explore ideas through creating, troubleshooting, trial and error and first-hand experience. They enjoy having other people take an interest in their projects and sometimes don’t even mind them getting into their space. Of course, that’s on the condition that those people don’t interfere with Virtuosos’ principles and freedom, and they’ll need to be open to Virtuosos returning the interest in kind. Virtuosos enjoy lending a hand and sharing their experience, especially with the people they care about, and it’s a shame they’re so uncommon, making up only about five percent of the population.

Most of this is true. Tee is often working on something, finding it distracts him from life, even for a moment. He doesn’t always like others getting involved, especially if it’s something big or something he’s deeply invested in, so if he does consider yourself lucky. While he is quiet and reserved, his mind is always running, observing the world around him and learning from it. He learns best through experience and trial and error. He’s easily adaptable to a situation or project which makes him an ideal teammate. He always has ideas and ways of doing things, but he doesn’t always voice them unless he feels the need to.

TYPE 5 (THE INVESTIGATOR)

Perceptive | Innovative | Secretive | Isolated

“The Intense, Cerebral Type”

Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. Labeled ‘the investigator’ for a reason, Fives want to find out why things are the way they are. They want to understand how the world works, whether it is the cosmos, the microscopic world, the animal, vegetable, or mineral kingdoms—or the inner world of their imaginations. They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth. They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves.

Tee is very reserved and quiet, and so he doesn’t always show his curiosity and intrigue. While he prefers to keep to himself, he does open up when around those he loves and cares for. He’s very inquisitive and insightful. He is hesitant and somewhat detached, but it’s because he’s scared of the unknown. He isn’t the greatest at making friends and so he tends to keep clear of groups of people. He enjoys finding out the little things and often has trivial facts and knowledge about almost anything.

GRYFFINDOR

Courage | Bravery | Nerve | Chivalry

“Some things are just wrong, no matter what pretty words you use to explain them”

Gryffindors trust their moral intuitions and have a need and a drive to live by them. They feel what’s right in their gut, and that matters and guides them. If they don’t listen to and act on that, it feels immoral. We call Gryffindor morality “felt” but that doesn’t mean they’re all impetuous, emotional hellions. Gryffindors can still be intelligent, deliberate creatures who weigh their decisions and moralities carefully. Reasoning, intellectualizing and debate can be support for a Gryffindor’s felt morality– but those things can never make a fully satisfying morality in themselves. Some things are just wrong, no matter what pretty words you use to explain them.

While he isn’t the typical image of a Gryffindor (especially in terms of courage), he still fits well in the house in terms of his beliefs and morals. He will stand up for what he wants and what he feels is right. He trusts his gut and his intuition. If something goes against what he believes, feels or thinks then it can be hard to convince him. It’s not that he’s stubborn, he just prefers to stay within the known and routine. He’ll still admit when he was wrong and accepts any consequences. He’s deliberate in what he does and thinks and hardly acts before thinking.

ANTELOPE (DUIKER)

Reserved | Cautious | Communicative | Productive

"A duiker without horns means someone more anxious, and a darker-colored species is indicative of someone more private”

Those who have antelope daemons are elegant but high-strung people, communicative and productive with a vision in mind. Observant and quick-thinking, these individuals are good on their feet and always have a plan A, B, C, and D. Duiker’s are a reserved and cautious individuals who value clear communication. More so than others with antelope daemons, those with duikers are more introverted and independent, liking only to have a small group of friends but fine in their alone time. They have a defensive streak and can lash out when pushed, though overall they appreciate space to do what they please.

This is the perfect daemon for Tee. He’s cautious, reserved, productive and somewhat high-strung. Even though he enjoys isolation and space, he also appreciates honest and open communication and will often speak his mind. He’s protective of the ones close to him and will stand up for the little guy. He’s always got backup plans and ways of doing things, just in case. He tends to follow the rules and routine, preferring not to stray from it unless he has to. He’s always doing something or fiddling to keep his mind active. He steers clear of any negative emotions, situations or feelings if he can. If pushed too hard, he can lash out and can take time to calm down and apologise.

[venusian5]

Saturn is in Capricorn, now what?

As many of you may have heard already, Saturn has finally ingressed into Capricorn for the final time, and has begun its tenure of the sign for the next few years. Understandably a lot of people are freaking out about this, since it's likely the first major Saturn transit that they've witnessed as part of their observation of astrology. That being said, however, I do have a couple of things I want to comment on:

1. Where do you think Saturn has been all this time? Oh right, it's been in Sagittarius. Have all Sagittarian lives completely disintegrated?

2. This is not your first, or your last rodeo with Saturn. You'll have had all manner of aspects and configurations with Saturn in your life already unless you were literally born yesterday... In which case you likely have it conjunct your Mercury and the point is moot. You'll survive this just fine.

3. Life is hard sometimes. There is no debating this fact. If everything were sunshine and daisies we would never appreciate anything and we would have no impetus for growth and evolution. As they say: stagnation is death.

On the first point: Sagittarius is a sign that is equipped with a unique brand of emotional buoyancy due to it's ruler Jupiter. It has by no means had it easy these last few years, but because of their innate sense of optimism they've been able to keep that light inside lit as they've suffered in silence. Capricorn does not have that same buoyancy, but what it does have is its very own unique gift bestowed by its very own ruler... you guessed it, Saturn. This is the gift of hard work. Capricorn is no stranger to doing what it needs to in order to succeed. Nothing was ever handed to this sign freely, so why should now be any different? What is required of Saturn transits is that very same work ethic, so Capricorn is actually at an advantage during this time.

I have a lot more that I can say about the meaning of Saturn transits in general and why they are extremely beautiful and massively important in our lives, but in lieu of diving in to that I'll instead provide a cursory overview of a few configurations that you might be facing during this time. I don't want to hear people getting fatalistic about it. Saturn is a BLESSING. It is the ONLY planet that has a guarantee, and that guarantee is that if you put in the hard work necessary you WILL BE REWARDED. No other planetary archetype makes that claim. Even the so called "benefics" are a crap-shoot at best.

Sun/Saturn -- If there's been any hand-holding, gold stars, and pats on the back for you over the past years expect that to dry up. Why are you so reliant on other people to tell you how good you're doing anyway? Your direction in life might be called into question, and you'll either need to put in the work to defend your choices, or adjust course for a better plan of action. Moon/Saturn -- This might be a period where you're prone to melancholy and depression, where you don't feel as though others understand you emotionally and you can't reach out for help. You need to learn to self-soothe, and stop trying to ignore your emotions. Mastery over them does not imply control, rather acceptance. Mercury/Saturn -- At first thoughts and ideas will seem scattered and useless, and as time passes you may struggle with inability to complete what's required of you academically and communicatively. It might seem like you have to do twice as much mental work to get to the same spot you used to get to with ease. You can bet money on the fact that you'll master skills that you do develop, however, and what you learn now you'll know for life. Mercury is dexterity. Learning to play an instrument is a very real possibility with this configuration. Venus/Saturn -- Your love life will probably dry up, and your self-esteem is likely to take a nose-dive. Why do you keep trying to find validation from others though? Aren't you good enough? It may feel like the color and beauty has drained out of your life, but I guarantee you've been taking it for granted. Music won't have the same spark that it used to, and art won't move you in the same way. You've got to start from within. Mars/Saturn -- With a strong Mars it's likely that you'll work yourself into exhaustion every day and end up completely burning out. It's also likely that this burnout will do lasting damage to your relationships because you've been over promising for so long. You're allowed to be human and take breaks. You need to find a better balance between working smart and working hard, and don't take on more than you can handle. With a weak Mars you may find that you haven't been taking on enough responsibility. It might be thrust on you at this time, and you'll be asked to step up to the plate in ways that you haven't previously. You're not going to be given any extra energy though, so make sure you're using your head and prioritizing what's necessary. Both strong and weak Mars would benefit enormously from physical exercise and Martial Arts.

Saturn transiting the 1st House -- If you don't already have a strong sense of self-esteem and personal identity you're going to have to get one quick. Who the hell are you anyway? What do you actually want from life? Saturn transiting the 2nd House -- Say goodbye to your money! Financial hardships are the most common thing for this transit, but as usual it's not actually about money. Why do you let your financial situation control your self-worth so much? Why do you need objects to make you feel happy and secure? What does that say about you? Better learn how to stretch those dollars. Saturn transiting the 3rd House -- Your siblings might face some hardships, learning new things will be hard AF, and in general it's not likely that you'll be able to effectively communicate with others. Education might become a focal point in your life, and this might be the time when you get serious about going back to school or learning a new trade. Saturn transiting the 4th House -- Your home life will probably become pretty unbearable. It's going to feel stifling, and relating to your family gets really tough. If you're overly attached to your mother life will cut the apron strings for you. If you can't find a way to build stronger internal stability all on your own then things can get really out of hand. Saturn transiting the 5th House -- Another "say goodbye to your love life" transit. Why are you dating all of those losers that aren't worth your time and attention anyway? Why are you so afraid to be alone and wait for someone worthwhile to come knocking? Your creativity dries up like a well in a drought, and if you don't make creativity a consistent priority in your life then it can seem like the entire world loses its luster. Saturn transiting the 6th House -- You might develop a chronic health issue. It's not going to kill you (unless you ignore it) though. It's mainly to force you to pay attention to the health you've been neglecting. Keep in mind that health isn't "working out to get ripped" or "having a hot bod". What have you been putting into your body, and what is your relationship with it? Do you have a sound mind-body connection? The other manifestation of this transit is that you become so busy and stressed that you want to pull your hair out 24/7. How can you be more efficient and prioritize what's really important so that you can keep afloat? Saturn transiting the 7th House -- You might meet a partner that you'll be in a long-term relationship with. You might get married. You might get divorced from that same person because what the heck were you thinking? You might get sued and have to go to court. Your business partner might steal all of your money. You might get a divorce from the spouse you've had for years. What's for sure is that you've got a lot to learn from relationships, friendships included, and so you'd better pick your associations wisely. Saturn transiting the 8th House -- There's likely to be a reckoning when it comes to debt if you've incurred it. You may also get an up close and personal brush with death that really forces you to reevaluate your life and priorities. What is truly important to you? What are you willing to do to keep it? Saturn transiting the 9th House -- Like the 3rd House this can signify a time when you get serious about returning to education. Travel might become difficult and experiences abroad during this transit might not be the best... They will, however, teach you a lot. You'll be forced to question the big things in life, like what do you believe in? It might be a time when it seems like every dream you have gets squashed, but the ones that survive are surely worth your time, right? Saturn transiting the 10th House -- This can be a great time for buckling down and working on your career and life goals.... It can also be a time where you get fired from the job you've had for years and are forced to start completely over from square one. You might be asked to go back to the drawing board of your life if you haven't sown your seeds in the right places. Saturn transiting the 11th House -- Say goodbye to most of your friends!! It's okay though, they probably weren't that great of friends to begin with if they don't survive this transit. You're going to be forced to seriously look at who you've been associating yourself with, and reflect on what that says about you. We're as good as the company we keep after all. Saturn transiting the 12th House -- This can be a really depressive time, and it can easily feel like you're isolated and alone a lot. You're not alone though, we never really are. It's up to you to discover that. A lot of things will pass out of your life during this time never to return again. Get comfortable with loss, as it's a part of life. You must clear away the old in order to make room for the new.

As a final note I want to point out that Saturn is domicile in Capricorn, which means that it is much stronger than elsewhere in the Zodiac. This also means that Saturnian themes won't be joking around, and this taskmaster will expect results. Because it is in its own sign, however, we can expect to see (in general) more positive manifestations of the energy (up until the conjunction with Pluto anyway). Take a very hard look at the world right now. It is in desperate need of change. We cannot allow it to continue down the same road it's been on, and it is for that reason (among many others) that Saturn is so vital. A lot of us have hard work to do in the coming years, and we'll be asked to steel ourselves for a much longer battle ahead. Saturn will give you the inner fortitude and strength that you need to create beauty and meaning in your life. It will teach you how to hold what is truly important close to your heart while it strengthens your outer layers against the harsh realities of the world. Take this time to do some serious work. Learn the lessons of the Great Teacher, and when this transit has passed count all of the powerful and enduring gifts that you've been given.

[sugar-petals]

What’s your advice for a domme who sometimes gets super depressed/suicidal/anxious/etc? My submissive can always tell when I’m not feeling at my best and he always wants to try and help me (cuddling, massages, etc) and while he’s very cute and I love him I just.. don’t want to put my problems onto him. We do live together and he does know I suffer from that stuff, but nothing ever helps so I don’t want to let him try to help me just to disappoint him when it doesn’t work..

The standard wisdom that I always give my followers is the temporal aspect of depression (thinking back to being hurt, it cannot be undone) and anxiety (anticipating hurt, the danger being a self-fulfilling prophecy/repetition of the very same thing that wasn’t undone). Projecting it back and forth and bringing it to the present as a “sabotage” is not extraneous. It protects. It’s a shield which shouldn’t be underestimated. Seeing that as bad, not wanting to burden someone else because they cannot fix it: not extraneous either. I myself cannot really help but only listen and point out a possible way based on what I know. It might be entirely unsuccessful for you to apply, but I put it out there for the sake of the idea.  

The approach would be not to try “curing” and eradicate “coping”. Since it means going against yourself. Instead, to acknowledge and follow what the struggle wants you to do is one path. Mental illness often exists to create an impetus — to have some wish/ need fulfilled that one cannot get otherwise. Illness is only a message beneath the perceived flaw. So, learning the message is the goal, not ending depression and anxiety. How, if the true root is never found and catered to. Symptoms are only far down the lane and administering a greater purpose. The root: Only you know it. It’s no surprise he can’t assist you no matter how cute he is or tries his best. Your sub can be good at supporting once he gets his hands dirty figuring out why the suffering is there, instead of that it is there & needs to be eliminated. What he can do is not tell you to feel any different, or giving affection to alter your state. Rather: Getting on the same page, unconditional. Imagine if he had the same experience, how well would you be able to sync and feel relief. Counterintuition there, soothing. It reminds me of our brief discussion about Yoongi/The Last. How people love him felt “saved” and accepted. Because he knew their struggles so well instead of admonishing or trying everything in his might that they should change to feel positive. 

My take on suicide, similarly, is a problem of feeling separate from other people that don’t understand and share your perspective. I wasn’t taken aback that you listed it with depression and anxiety, it runs together like a clockwork. The separation, that’s how you feel so alone, misunderstood, left hanging with problems so you want to end your life. There’s nobody else who can comprehend, you fall out of all relations and hope. It’s not what hurt you that’s the heaviest but what is good for you being withdrawn from others who don’t get your reality. For instance, that’s why I write and feel better when there is feedback. It could be really dark, grimy, troubled, but that it’s authentic and others see themselves in it gives me security. Shared experience makes life worth living, isolation doesn’t. Again, the Yoongi example: he said he felt better merely through sharing that he contemplated suicide. That is was the best decision to do it, even. And fans with the same problem felt better just by seeing him express what they battled, too. That was a great synergy. Similarity, not separation. The result: Yoongi’s alive. The fans who struggled but encountered him: they’re alive, too 🙏 Because they both looked at their situation with honesty & exchanged it. That’s how I know you’ll still be rocking and kicking, I tell you that I see the baggage since I carry some of it myself. And I’m here typing and breathing because I know a sister of the same family is out there. Together is better, especially with negative things in life. This is hope. Exchange — better than change, why: you need exchange first to bring about change.

Beyond philosophy: One concrete tool that I can give you is something for him to look into. I suspect you receive love and comfort in a different way that he can show it, based on how he likes to receive it himself. Principle: Kissing a tree doesn’t give the tree what it needs. You just provided it with the way that you would like to receive care and love. When you really wanna adore the tree you check whether there’s enough light, water, and no lumberjacks around. Try out the so-called 5 Love Languages that you can test, it’s free. It shows you have you give and get affection. In my experience, this resolved a lot of miscommunications & improved how people comfort each other. Same idea: syncing well. That being said: Tiger’s greetings to you, beloved 🖐 

(I could stare at this loop for hours it’s so funny when the eye opens like *blink*! Ah, it’s you  my friend, I knew the rascal is back!)

[thelostgirlwrites]

I Was Gonna Be That One In A Million // Dominique Weasley

Ravenclaw | Sixth Year | Prefect | Chaser | Junior International Quidditch League

I. Traits:

+ ambitious, driven, studious, self-disciplined Minnie wants to succeed and she thinks knows the best way to go about that is to study. She came to Hogwarts prepared to throw herself into her work the same way that she always did at home. From her first year, if anyone was looking for Minnie, they first needed to check the library, then the common room. And if she was in neither of those places, Minnie could be found in an empty classroom, practicing the hands-on aspect of magic. She never needed someone to tell her to do the work; Minnie’s drive came from within and she was her own impetus. Her marks were always high - perhaps not the top of her classes, but very close to that, and she was proud of herself for it. Minnie has accomplished almost everything she wanted to in her life as well; good marks, a spot on the Quidditch team, perfecting her macarons.

- reserved, stubborn, proud, cavalier Her need for success and her self-discipline has a negative side as well, however. Minnie doesn’t need other people and she knows it. Company is not something that she ever found herself overtly concerned with - whether it’s her cousins or her friends, Minnie simply doesn’t feel the urge to spend time with other people. She likes to chalk it up to her introverted nature, but that’s not the whole truth. When she’s feeling particularly honest, Minnie will admit that she just prefers her own company and that other people tend to slow her down and distract her. She can be careless, not in the ways that one usually considers it - she’s very meticulous with her belongings and in her work. When it comes to the feelings of those around her, however, Minnie rarely stops to consider how her words and actions will impact anything aside from herself. Once she sets her mind to something, it’s nearly impossible to make her change it.

II. Family 

(tw: parental death mention)

If you ask Minnie who she is, the answer comes very quickly: “Minnie Weasley.” She might elaborate after that - “Minnie is short for Dominique. My parents are Bill and Fleur.” And then one more clarification - “No, I’m not part Veela. I’m adopted.” 

Her feelings regarding her family are complicated (a theme which runs throughout all her relationships). She is a Weasley, there’s no doubt about that; the nurture was stronger than her nature in this case. She considers herself a Weasley through-and-through despite her differences from her cousins. Bill and Fleur are the only parents she’s ever known, Victoire and Louis are her siblings, and she has more cousins than she can easily list off. The fact that she doesn’t share their blood doesn’t make a difference.

But it does, at the same time. There are moments when Minnie is acutely aware of how different she is from the other Weasleys, She has moments where she longs to know the woman who gave birth to her - there’s a small photo album displayed in her bedroom, filled with pictures of her two mothers: Jocelyn, the one who bore her, and Fleur, the one who raised her. They were friends, and Fleur was always willing to tell Minnie about their escapades at Beauxbatons, and Jocelyn’s worried letters when Fleur joined the Order, and their short-lived reunion just before Minnie’s birth. Not long after Minnie’s birth, Jocelyn died; Fleur was Minnie’s godmother and it was never an option for her to go anywhere but Shell Cottage.

Minnie knows nothing of her birth father; Jocelyn didn’t mention him to Fleur, and Minnie doesn’t care anyway. While she wishes she knew Jocelyn, Bill has always been the only dad she ever wanted or needed.

So yes, she is a Weasley, but there are moments where a little traitorous voice whispers that maybe she isn’t, and Minnie isn’t sure how she feels about that.

III. Quidditch

Growing up in the family that she did, it was impossible for Minnie not to know about Quidditch. As a child, she didn’t see the appeal of the sport; she wasn’t overly fond of heights, and her coordination on a broom wasn’t the best so throwing balls or hitting bludgers were beyond her skills. However after her arrival at Hogwarts, things changed; Minnie knew several of her housemates who tracked Quidditch stats, which was far more appealing. Once she began that, and started to understand the game better, she wanted to try it for herself. 

The summer before her third year, Minnie spent all day, every day on her broom, honing her skills. It was the same single-minded determination that she applied to her studies, and it paid off; she earned a spot on the team when she returned to Hogwarts. Her schedule shifted to allow regular practice, on top of the team practices, but she has always balanced it well. At the moment, her goal is to pursue Quidditch professionally; she’s good and it would be an interesting career. Her options are still open, of course, but it’s the current ambition.

IV. Sexuality

Minnie has a complicated relationship with relationships. She’s not good at them, to start with, and doesn’t really see the need for people to be around. Despite all that, she has a deep-seated longing for the sort of love that she sees around her, in her parents and aunts and uncles. The sort of love that looks beyond flaws and offers comfort and support. She knows it’s real and exists, and has hopes that she’ll find it someday.

Minnie is demisexual panromantic. Her sexual attraction doesn’t come until she has a strong connection with someone, but she experiences romantic attraction more frequently, and with anyone.

V. Miscellany

Birthday: January 1, 2007 - Minnie’s sign is Capricorn and it describes her perfectly.

Height: 5′4″

Weight: 120 lbs.

Scars: Minnie was a bit clumsy when she was younger, and has several small scars on her arms and legs. The most noticeable of these are the long scar tracing up her left forearm, where she fell off her broom when she was thirteen and gashed herself on a piece of glass that had been unseen prior to that; and the scar curving around her right ankle, from getting her leg caught on something (to this day, she isn’t sure what) while swimming. In addition to those, she has a few burn scars on her hands, from her baking attempts, and callouses from Quidditch that have yet to go away.

Wand: Ivy and dragon heartstring, ten inches, springy. Her wand is a bit on the small side, simply due to the difficulty of harvesting ivy wood, but both the wood and the core lend to a great deal of strength. When wielding her wand, Minnie tends to have rather dramatic gestures, although she’s been attempting to reign herself in as she feels it makes her look silly. (Information found here and here.)

Patronus: The Jaguar - a solitary cat, this reflects Minnie’s self-reliance and isolation very well. 

Boggart: A dragon. Minnie will tell anyone who asks that she doesn’t know why it’s a dragon, but that would be a lie. She’s been frightened of dragons since she was four, after a trip to visit Uncle Charlie in Romania. Nothing specific happened, but the animals were so big and frightening to her that it left a mark.

Class list: Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Herbology, History of Magic, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Astronomy, Muggle Studies, Arithmancy, Ancient Runes (She took all Es and Os in her OWLs). She chose not to take Care of Magical Creatures or Divination, despite her interest in both subjects, simply because she had to draw the line somewhere. COMC sounded like it could get messy, and Minnie doesn’t like messes; while she believes in Divination, she isn’t interested in doing it herself and so that was an easy class to pass over.

[femmesfollesnebraska]

Artist Feature: Alicia Dawn Criswell

Thrilled to feature artist and art therapist Alicia Dawn Criswell. She shares about how she became an artist, how being an art therapist and collaboration impacts her work, feminism and more... All images (c)  Alicia Dawn Criswell.

Recantation, oil on canvas, 36x48 

Where are you from? How did you get into creative work and what is your impetus for creating?

I currently live in Lafayette, IN, but I grew up in Crown Point, IN.  Both my parents are resourceful, creative, and great at making or fixing anything.  I consider myself fortunate that they always encouraged me to be anything I wanted to be, and even though I realized I wasn't going to be a ballerina or an astronaut, I never thought twice about being an artist.  My mom used to make beautiful stained glass, and I think her example was the impetus for my desire to create.  As a kid, I would copy the images in my coloring books onto my own paper instead of coloring within the lines.  My parents signed me up for drawing classes at South Shore Arts in Munster, where I learned fundamental techniques and used pastels for the first time.  Although my mom still denies calling herself an artist by saying her sister is the talented one, they both are.  My grandmother was an artist, too, but I think she and my mother simply did not have an opportunity to develop their abilities.  In some ways, I feel like I'm honoring this innate ability that has been passed down through the women in my family.       Tell me about your current/upcoming show/exhibit/book/project and why it’s important to you. What do you hope people get out of your work? 

In May 2019, I participated in the On-Ramp Creative Entrepreneur Course provided by the Indiana Arts Commission, which has made a tremendous impact in helping me recognize my potential and define my creative goals.  I was awarded the On-Ramp Fellowship Grant, enabling me to complete a project of my design.  The first part was to complete the remaining supervision and exam testing requirements needed to become a Board Certified Art Therapist (ATR-BC).  The second part included researching and developing my own Creative Empowerment Workshop series, which will provide psychoeducation about art therapy, information regarding local mental health services, and opportunities for therapeutic art making.  The third part, which I am currently working on, includes creating a new body of work that reflects my understanding of mental illness and mental wellness.    

As an art therapist, I facilitate the art making of those with mental illness as they discover new ways of being.  During art therapy sessions, my clients and I often discuss issues of relationships, loss, change, acceptance, identity, and meaning.  We explore these six themes in relation to the people, places, and things in our lives that have made an impression on us.  In addiction and mental health recovery programs, it is common to hear the phrase “people, places, and things.”  The phrase serves as a reminder that anything can be a trigger leading to a relapse or a return to maladaptive patterns of being.  My art therapy training has allowed me to uncover, recover, and reestablish new ways of thinking that I then translate into my own creative work.  I wanted to begin a personal exploration of the six themes and develop a greater understanding of my own people, places, and things that have led me to be the person I am now.  I’ve been selected for a solo exhibition at the Tippecanoe Arts Federation in September 2021, and will offer my workshops leading up to and during the exhibition.  I want to increase awareness of mental health issues and challenge the stigma of mental illness. 

Truth, chalk pastel on paper, 8.5x11

Does collaboration play a role in your work—whether with your community, artists or others? How so and how does this impact your work?

I think collaborating with and creating alongside others can be very empowering.  I’ve recognized isolation can breed self-doubt and hinder creative work.  Without constructive feedback from peers regarding areas that need growth, or someone to highlight potential where I see none, I find it difficult to delve into new projects.  For a while, it felt like my artist and art therapist identities were separate, so I wanted to find a way to unify those roles.  I've used my grant period to learn about alternative roles for art therapists and research models of community art therapy in nontraditional settings and formats, such as an open-studio concept.  There are not a lot of opportunities available for people to make meaningful connections with others in a nonjudgmental atmosphere.  Stigma surrounding mental illness and treatment prevent people from seeking help until it becomes unbearable.  I hope my workshops provide a safe alternative, either as an introduction to the benefits of therapeutic art making and as a preventative measure, or as a step-down from more intensive treatment in order to maintain wellness.

Considering the political climate, how do you think the temperature is for the arts right now, what/how do you hope it may change or make a difference?

I think it’s possible for artists to amplify voices that are not heard, regardless of the political climate. Hopefully my art and my workshops not only decrease stigma in the community, but also encourage local leaders and politicians to support policy that leads to increases in the funding, availability, and accessibility of mental health resources.    

Seeing vs Knowing, lipstick, foundation, blush, eye shadow, mascara on mat board, salvaged window, 24x28

Artist Wanda Ewing, who curated and titled the original LFF exhibit, examined the perspective of femininity and race in her work, and spoke positively of feminism, saying “yes, it is still relevant” to have exhibits and forums for women in art; does feminism play a role in your work?

I agree, it is still relevant, and feminism does play a role in my work.  I would not call my work overtly feminist, but it is autobiographical, and I think it reveals my interest in the female mind and body.  I’ve been strongly influenced by my grandmother, her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease, and its impact on each member of my family, especially my mother. A lot of my recent work has been a reflection on the changing roles of women, for example, from daughter to caretaker, and how that change affects one psychologically.  I think empathy grows through recognition of what is fragile and vulnerable in oneself, in others, and in one’s surroundings. Empathy is what is needed to ensure anyone's voice is heard, but we especially need to be listening to the Black Lives Matter movement, and amplify BIPOC and  LGBTQIA voices. Ewing’s advice to aspiring artists was “you’ve got to develop the skill of when to listen and when not to;” and “Leave. Gain perspective.” What is your favorite advice you have received or given?  

A few of my college professors said to never stop making something.  Thinking about the next step is only part of it, but you have to keep experimenting and creating something, as often as you can, even if you’re not completely invested in it.  I think it helped me realize not all work is precious, or note-worthy, and it doesn’t have to be, but it is still important in getting you to the next step, especially when you don’t know what the next step is yet.  

-

www.aliciadawnart.com 

Instagram: @aliciadawnart

~

Les Femmes Folles is a volunteer organization founded in 2011 with the mission to support and promote women in all forms, styles and levels of art from around the world with the online journal, print annuals, exhibitions and events; originally inspired by artist Wanda Ewing and her curated exhibit by the name Les Femmes Folles (Wild Women). LFF was created and is curated by Sally Brown Deskins.  LFF Books is a micro-feminist press that publishes 1-2 books per year by the creators of Les Femmes Folles including the award-winning Intimates & Fools (Laura Madeline Wiseman, 2014) , The Hunger of the Cheeky Sisters: Ten Tales (Laura Madeline Wiseman/Lauren Rinaldi, 2015 and Mes Predices (catalog of art/writing by Marie Peter Toltz, 2017). Other titles include Les Femmes Folles: The Women 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 available on blurb.com, including art, poetry and interview excerpts from women artists. A portion of the proceeds from LFF books and products benefit the University of Nebraska-Omaha’s Wanda Ewing Scholarship Fund.

Current prompts:

What does a womxn mean to you/your work?

Home Studios: Show us where you create!

https://femmesfollesnebraska.tumblr.com/post/614036096689504256/new-series-call-home-stud

[garywonghc]

The Haunted Dominion of Mind

by Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche

In old Tibet, practitioners went to charnel grounds, springs, haunted houses, haunted trees, and so on, in order to reveal how deeply their practice had cut to the core of their fears and attachments. The practice of cutting through our deepest attachments and fears to their core is called nyensa chödpa. Nyensa chödpa means “cutting through the haunted dominion of mind.” It is not that I am encouraging you to go to these haunted places to test yourself, but it’s important for all practitioners to understand the view behind nyensa chödpa, because until we are challenged we don’t know how deep our practice can go.

We may be established practitioners; we may be comfortable with our practice and working with our minds; everything could be going smoothly. As my teacher Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche used to say, “Practice is easy when the sun is on your back and your belly is full.” But when difficult circumstances arise and we are completely shaken from within, when we hit rock bottom, or when something is haunting us and we feel completely vulnerable and exposed to all our neurosis, then it’s a different story.

Challenging circumstances expose to us how much we have learned from the buddhadharma, how much we have learned from the tantra, and how much we have learned from our meditation practice and the experience of our mind. But we don’t need to wait for challenging circumstances to uncover our hidden fears and attachments. We don’t need to wait for our bliss bubble to pop, for a dear one to die, or to find out we have a fatal disease. There is plenty of opportunity to practice nyensa chödpa right here in our own minds. There is plenty of opportunity because there is plenty of self-clinging.

The haunted dominion of mind is the dominion of self-clinging. It is the world of self and all the hopes and fears that come with trying to secure it. Our efforts to secure the self give rise to all the negative emotions. If we were not so concerned with cherishing and providing for the self, there would be no reason for attachment. Aggression, too, would have no reason to arise if there were no self to protect. And jealousy, which shows up whenever we think the self is lacking something, would have no impetus to eat away at our inner peace because we would be content with the natural richness and confidence of our own mind. If we had no need to shield all of the embarrassing things about the self that make us so insecure, we would have no cause for arrogance. Finally, if we were not so fixated on the self, we could rely on our innate intelligence rather than let our stupidity escort us through the activities that bring us so much pain time and time again.

So emotions themselves are not the cause of the problem. Yet until we reach down to the very root of our negative emotions, they will be there, standing in line waiting to “save” us from our fundamental insecurities. Unless we let go of grasping to the self with all its egotistical scheming to save itself in the usual manner, we will only continue to enforce a stronger and stronger belief in the solidity of the self. If the aim of practice is to free ourselves from our endless insecurities, then we must cut through self-clinging. Until we do, self-clinging will define our relationship with the world, whether it be the inner world of our own mind or the world outside of us.

From the perspective of the self, the world is either for us or against us. If it is for us, its purpose is to feed our infinite attachments. If it is against us, it is to be rejected and adds to our infinite paranoia. It is either our friend or our enemy, something to lure or reject. The stronger we cling to a self, the stronger grows our belief in a solid, objective world that exists separate from us. The more we see it as solid and separate, the more the world haunts us: we are haunted by what we want from the world and we are haunted by our struggle to protect ourselves from it.

The many problems we see in the world today, and also encounter in our own personal lives, spring from the belief that the enemy or threat is “outside” of us. This split occurs when we forget how deeply connected we are to others and the world around us. This is not to say that mind and the phenomenal world are one and that everything we experience is a mere figment of our imagination. It simply means that what we believe to be a self, and what we believe to be other than self, are inextricably linked, and that, in truth, the self can only exist in relation to other. Seeing them as separate is really the most primitive way of viewing and engaging our lives.

To see the connectedness or interdependence of all things is to see in a big way. It reduces the artificial separation we create between the self and everything else. For instance, when we hold tightly to a self, the natural law of impermanence looms as a threat to our existence. But when we accept that we are part of this natural flow, we begin to see that the entity we cling to as a static, immutable, and independent self is just a continuous stream of experience composed of thoughts, feelings, forms, and perceptions that change from moment to moment. When we accept this, we become part of something much greater — the movement of the entire universe.

What we experience as “our life” results from the interdependent relationship between the “outer” world — the world of color, shape, sound, smell, taste, and touch — and our awareness. We cannot separate awareness — the knower — from that which is known. Is it possible, for instance, to see without a visual object or to hear without a sound? And how can we isolate the content of our thoughts from the information we receive from our environment, our relationships, and the imprints of our sense perceptions? How can we separate our bodies from the elements that it is composed of, or the food we eat to keep us alive, or the causes and conditions that brought our bodies into existence?

In fact there is little consistency in what we consider to be self and what we consider to be other. Sometimes we include our emotions as part of the self. Other times our anger or depression seem to haunt or even threaten us. Our thoughts also seem to define who we are as individuals, but so often they agitate or excite us as if they existed as other. Generally we identify the body with the self, yet when we fall ill we often find ourselves saying, “My stomach is bothering me,” or “My liver is giving me trouble.” If we investigate carefully, we will inevitably conclude that to pinpoint where the self leaves off and the world begins is not really possible. The one thing we can observe is that everything that arises, both what we consider to be the self and what we consider to be other than self, does so through a relationship of interdependence.

All phenomena depend upon other in order to arise, express themselves, and fall away. There is nothing that can be found to exist on its own, independent and separate from everything else. That self and other lack clearly defined boundaries does not then mean that we are thrown into a vague state of not knowing who we are and how to relate to the world, or that we lose our discerning intelligence. It simply means that through loosening the clinging we have to our small, constricted notion of self, we begin to relax into the true nature of all phenomena: the nondual state of emptiness, which transcends both self and other.

Having gone beyond dualistic mind, we can enjoy the “single unit” of our own profound dharmakaya nature. The “singularness” of emptiness is not single as opposed to many. It is a state beyond one or two, subject and object, and the self and the world outside; it is the singular nature of all things. Upon recognising the nature of emptiness, our own delusion — the false duality of subject and object — cracks apart and dissolves. This relieves us of the heaviness produced by the subtle underlying belief that things have a separate or solid nature. At the same time we apprehend the interconnectedness of everything and this brings a greater vision to our lives.

Cultivating a deep conviction in the view of emptiness is what the practice of nyensa chödpais all about. Nyensa refers to that which haunts us: clinging to the self and all the fears and delusion this produces. Chödpa means “to cut through.” What is it that cuts through our clinging, fears, and delusion? It is the realisation of emptiness, the realisation of the truth. When the view of emptiness dawns in our experience, if even only for a moment, self-grasping naturally dissolves. This is when we begin to develop confidence in what is truly possible.

Impressed by the yogi Milarepa’s unwavering confidence in the view of emptiness, the Ogress of the Rock, while attempting to haunt and frighten him, made this famous statement, which illustrates the view of nyensa chödpa very well. She said,

This demon of your own tendencies arises from your mind, if you don’t recognise the [empty] nature of your mind. I’m not going to leave just because you tell me to go. If you don’t realise that your mind is empty there are many more demons besides myself. But if you recognise the [empty] nature of your own mind, adverse circumstances will serve only to sustain you, and even I, Ogress of the Rock, will be at your bidding.

To understand emptiness conceptually is not enough. We need to understand it through direct experience so that when we are shaken from the depth of our being, when the whole mechanism of self-clinging is challenged, we can rest in this view with confidence. When challenging circumstances arise, we cannot just conceptually patch things up with the ideas we have about emptiness. Merely thinking, “Everything is empty,” does little service at such times. It is like walking into a dimly lit room, seeing a rope on the ground, and mistaking it for a snake. We can tell ourselves, “It’s a rope, it’s a rope, it’s a rope,” all we want, but unless we turn on the light and see for ourselves, we will never be convinced it is not a snake, and our fear will remain. When we turn on the light, we can see through direct experience that what we mistook for a snake was actually a rope, and our fear lifts. In the same way, when we realise the empty nature of the self and the world around us, we free ourselves from the clinging and fear that comes with it. It is essential that we have conviction based upon experience — no matter how great or small that experience is.

Without this conviction we may run up against a lot of doubts about our meditation practice when difficult circumstances surface. We may wonder why our meditation isn’t working. If meditation does not serve us in difficult times, what else can we do to rescue ourselves from the horror and fear we have inside? What about all the years of practice we have done? Were we just fooling ourselves? Was our practice ever genuine at all?

In times like these we need not get discouraged about our ability to practice. Coupled with open-minded questioning, challenging circumstances can help deepen and clarify the purpose of our path because they expose how far our practice has penetrated to the core of self-clinging. Although these experiences often shock or disturb us, they bring our attention to the immediate experience of clinging and the pain it generates, and we begin to think about letting go.

We may have had the experience of letting go of our clinging and resting in the nature of emptiness many times in the past, but have not yet developed trust or conviction in that experience. We may feel certain in the moment of seeing our ordinary confused perceptions collapse, but unless we trust that experience, it will not affect the momentum of our ordinary confused habits. Quickly we will return to believing in our experience as solid and real. However, if we are able to trust the direct experience of emptiness, we can, through hindsight, bridge that understanding with our present experience. We rely on the recollection of our direct encounter with the view to change the way we ordinarily respond to difficult situations.

On the other hand, even if we do have some conviction, it is not as if because we have let go once — “That’s it!” — we’ve let go completely and we will never cling again. Habitual mind is like a scroll of paper: when you first unroll it, immediately it curls back up. You need to continually flatten it out, and eventually it will stay. Our constant challenge as practitioners, the true focus of our practice, is reducing the attachment we have in the core of our mind.

As we approach the haunted dominion with less fear, we may actually find some intelligence in the experience of being haunted: although we continuously try to secure the self, instinctually we know that we cannot. This instinctual knowledge comes from an innate intelligence that sees the dynamic, ungraspable nature of all things. It observes things arise and fall away, both happiness and suffering and the changes of birth, old age, sickness, and death. When we cling to self and other, our mind feels deeply conflicted and fearful because clinging is at odds with our inner intelligence. Of course, we are not clinging because we want to suffer; we are clinging because we want to avoid suffering. But clinging by its nature causes pain. When we let go of grasping and turn toward our innate intelligence, we begin to experience a sense of ease in our minds and we begin to develop a new relationship with that which ordinarily haunts us.

As practitioners interested in going beyond delusion, we may find ourselves intrigued by the haunted dominion of mind. We may find that, rather than trying to avoid pain, we want to move closer to that which haunts us. Emboldened by the experience of emptiness, we can question the solidity or truth of our fears — maybe things don’t exist as they appear. In fact, each time we see through the haunted dominion of mind — when we see its illusory or empty nature — we experience the taste of true liberation. This is why the great yogis of the past practiced in haunted places such as charnel grounds. Places that provoke the hidden aspects of mind are full of possibilities for liberation. In this way, the haunted dominion — whether it is a charnel ground or the dominion of fear that results from our own self-clinging — serves as the very ground of our realisation.

We don’t need to cling to the self to enjoy life. Life is naturally rich and abundant. There is nothing more liberating and enjoyable than experiencing the world around us without grasping. We do not deprive ourselves of experience if we forsake our attachments. Clinging actually inhibits us from enjoying life to its fullest. We consume ourselves trying to arrange the world according to our preferences rather than delighting in the way our experience naturally unfolds.

We can find so much appreciation of life when we are free of the hopes and fears related to self-clinging — even of all the problems we generally try to avoid and dread, such as old age, sickness, and death. The ability to appreciate all aspects of our mind really says something about mind’s magnificent potential. It shows us that the mind is so much greater than the confusions, fears, and unrest that so often haunt us. It show us that our personal suffering and the world of suffering “outside” of us are nothing more than the inner and outer world of our own delusion — samsara.

Nyensa chödpa is cutting through the mind of samsara. What could be much more haunted and fearful than samsara? What could be a greater benefit than getting beyond samsara and our own self-grasping? What could be more meaningful than recognising that samsara — that which has made us so fearful and shaken — is by nature the nondual nature of emptiness itself? If we do the practice of nyensa chödpa in our everyday life, it is a wonderful way to live this life, and the work we do will measure up in the end.

[fayewonglibrary]

Bid Farewell to Pop Queen: Faye Wong (2006)

She was born and grew up in Beijing, but her career started in Hong Kong. She first shot to fame with the stage name of Shirley Wong, but later changed back to her real name of Faye Wong. She is the real Queen of Chinese Pop.

Faye Wong is one of the few singers favored by both male and female pop fans, as well as one of my personal favorites. Maybe you’ll think that we base our shows on gossip, since today’s feature on Faye Wong comes after reports that she quit singing at the end 2005. However, I think we can easily forget this piece of news and instead simply focus on her music.

After starting with this most recent performance, I hope that you can come to understand the drastic changes in Faye Wong’s singing style. Originally born in Beijing, she lived there until the age of 18. Since then, Faye Wong’s memory has maintained a close connection with this city, especially its culture and spirit, which are quite different from Hong Kong. The latter was the city to which the teenage Wong moved with her parents back in 1987. As she recalls, her first days in this strange new city were gloomy and blue, especially after being separated from her old friends in Beijing.

In order to get through these lonely times, Faye Wong chose the path of singing, which had in fact been an ambition for her ever since childhood. To the surprise of many, this fledgling singer took bronze in her very first singing contest; thereafter she was soon spotted by a record company, who gave her a contract and a name, Shirley Wong. Others preferred to call her the Hong Kong Teresa Teng, in reference to this already hugely successful Taiwan singer.

That was an early work from Faye Wong, as adapted from a song by Teresa Teng.

Having got herself a contract, Wong thought that she could now make whatever music she chose, but a commercialized Hong Kong quickly dampened her dream. Wishing to rest and leave this unsuitable environment, Faye Wong flew to America for further study, an experience which helped her to discover her individuality. One year later, she returned to Hong Kong to complete the album which her contract demanded, with plans to return to America for further study.

However, everything changed with the release of this new album, entitled “Coming Home.” On this collection of tunes, Faye Wong performed an adaptation of the popular Japanese composition, “A Vulnerable Woman;” this new version proceeded to sweep through Hong Kong and all Chinese-speaking areas. After a false start, Faye Wong had now really taken off.

She was born and grew up in Beijing, but her career started in Hong Kong. She first shot to fame with the stage name of Shirley Wong, but later changed back to her real name of Faye Wong. She is the real Queen of Chinese Pop.

Despite the huge success of this song, Wong herself hardly felt the resonation of applause. Instead, she saw this as simply an isolated hit typical within the fickle world of Hong Kong pop.

Fortunately Faye Wong soon began to receive spiritual support from the emerging rock bands of Beijing, including Black Panther. Then in 1994, six years after her first encounter with Black Panther, Faye Wong finally revealed her relationship with the rock band’s lead singer, Dou Wei. From this point on, Faye Wong began to attempt some changes in her singing style. The song we’ll hear next is “Persistence,” the first work to include her own creative touches, with lyrics that express her persistent love towards Dou Wei.

Dou Wei brought Faye Wong not only love for her life but also soul for her music, with his rich knowledge of European and American music. They exploited their combined musical qualities to the full with our next song. It’s another cover, this time of the song Cold War by Tori Amos, but it’s another cover which sent shockwaves around the circumference of the whole Chinese pop circle.

After this song, Faye Wong began to co-operate more with musicians from the Chinese mainland, including Zhang Yadong, Cao Jun and Bai Fanglin. Despite working with others, she also continued to develop her own individuality. On the album “Imagine Things,” she performs works from celestial sounding bands like “The Cranberries” and “Cocteau Twins,” comfortably tackling this completely different musical style. After that, she released another album entitled “Cater to Myself,” on which she bravely exclaimed “I don’t want to cater to the market. I just want to cater to myself.”

In 1996, Faye Wong totally abandoned the mainstream market of love songs and released a new album, “Impetuous.” If a cover of Tori Amos caused shockwaves, this new album could be compared to a bomb lobbed among the traditional aesthetics of the Chinese pop circle. It was therefore no surprise when in October14, 1996, Faye Wong followed film star Gong Li to become only the second Chinese artist on the cover of Time magazine.

In January, 1997, Faye Wong gave birth to a baby girl and prepared herself for a comeback. In fact, despite her one year’s complete withdrawal from the spotlight, she had not been forgotten by her fans. She also had some new material with “If You’re Happy, I’m Happy,” a tune specially created for her newly-born daughter.

At this point, Faye Wong seemed to be the happiest woman in the world, with a constantly smiling face for media and the public. She’d established her career, she had a good husband and she had a beloved daughter. Then in 1998, her new album “Sing and Travel” brought her career to its musical peak, with an accompanying concert tour throughout the country.

However, nothing seems to last forever, especially in the world of entertainment. Just after Faye Wong had been hailed as the “happiest woman in the world” by media, so in 1999 her marriage with Dou Wei came to an abrupt end. Following this sensational split, the name of Dou Wei was completely struck out from the artistic output of Faye Wong. However, you can still read her feelings for him in the lyrics of the following song: “Look at the moonlight of that time. How could it turn into sunshine almost overnight?”

She was born and grew up in Beijing, but her career started in Hong Kong. She first shot to fame with the stage name of Shirley Wong, but later changed back to her real name of Faye Wong. She is the real Queen of Chinese Pop.

Today, although we can never again see the influence of Dou Wei in Faye Wong’s music, we can still detect something of the past through her cooperation with another mainland musician, Zhang Yadong. He’s been making music with Faye Wong for years, and together with lyricist Lin Xi, the three have been hailed as a golden trio. Every one of her new albums would continue to sweep through music charts across the country, and win innumerous awards at the end of the year. As a bonus, the album “Eyes on Me” even sold well in the difficult Japanese market. However, since the album “Fables,” Faye Wong’s musical style has gradually become more standardized. Faye Wong is no longer the alternative singer who dared to do everything differently. Instead she a pillar stone of Chinese pop music, although she has no grand wishes and simply wants to be an ordinary person. Maybe this explains why the singer wishes to quit her career, enabling her to be a good mother and a good wife after getting married for the second time.

Hot Songs by Faye Wong:

“Impetuous” is taken from the album of the same name, as co-produced by Faye Wong and Dou Wei.

“To Love” is the title track from Faye Wong’s last album, which was released at the end of 2003.

Cold War is Faye Wong’s versions of a Tori Amos song.

“A Vulnerable Woman” is a song that greatly expanded Faye Wong’s popularity among Chinese pop fans.

“Promise” is one of the combined efforts of Faye Wong and Dou Wei.

“I Love the Stranger Only” seems to well express this singer’s attitude toward life and love, with her frankness and straightforwardness. “What I love is purer than the color of your face and more innocent than a pet. When all that I need is a kiss, please, just give me a kiss.”

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SOURCE: CRIENGLISH

[griefshark]

Better Living...Through Nihilism: A Dissection of Holiday Survival

Before I commence on this nihilistic diatribe, I should probably mention that the impetus to this rant and it’s end result come from two different places in my head. I am afflicted with the ability to relate everything that I observe only to its place in a universal existence. As such, when I think about the holidays, they strike me solely as intangible, esoteric and contrived.

That’s not to say that I frown upon those that take great pride in the expanse of their yearly routines. I instinctually just view the general paradigm of tradition as an excuse for those tied to it to not endeavor in innovation for themselves. That’s not to mention such traditions don’t apply to those with nobody to partake.

I bring this up because I believe a feeling of isolation is a commonality approaching the holiday season. Stress runs rampant around this time of year as a result of the financial pressures and struggle to maintain relationships for the sake of the yuletide. In other words, be sure you have enough string lights to decorate that weighted blanket for the depression to come.

I’m no stranger to this sense of helplessness, but my view of the world has kept me from sinking into the season’s obligatory and precursory spiral. As such, I feel like it’s my duty as a citizen of the world to share the five simple steps I use to circumvent the holiday rock bottom.

Step 1: Accept that holidays are meaningless. Very often, you’ll find that your favorite holidays, or the ones you grew up celebrating, are based on conjecture and falsified lore rather than anything substantive. Thanksgiving, for example, is a celebration of togetherness wherein the early settlers to our nation were greeted warmly and with hospitality by resident Native Americans. What we often fail to acknowledge is this hospitality was repaid with systematic forced relocation and genocide over hundreds of years. As we have observed in recent years with the Dakota Access Pipeline protests, Americans aren’t done being hypocritical with their ideology yet.

Step 2: Recognize that the people around you are not you. Everyone has a different set of values given to them through the people they encounter in life and the experiences they have. Those that grew up with strong familial units and little hardship come from a different mentality than those who did not enjoy such upbringings. In turn, you may not even have the same values as the closest people to you. Inevitably, you were not raised in the exact same conditions, or even a similar era. Even in the case you were, you aren’t genetically identical to any of them to a point where someone else can ascribe their value system to you and expect you will be comfortable. You have to determine who you are on your own.

Step 3: Understand that companionship is instinctual. As the result of hundreds of millions of years of evolution, we are still subconsciously beholden to our primal nature. We, as a species, evolved from pack mentality and a requisite urge to procreate. Thus, our drive for intimate, familial or friendly companionship is strictly a matter of our underlying genetic code and the remnants of our ancestors resurfacing.

Step 4: Determine what happiness means to you right now. Joy is wavering. What entertained you yesterday isn’t guaranteed to entertain you today. This is what it means to live in the moment. It’s important to make plans for the future, of course. However, if you base those plans on what you think will make you happy several years in the future, you may find that your interests have changed entirely by the time you get to where you’re headed. Accordingly, it is of paramount import to remain conscious of your own immediate wants and needs and to find a way to attain them in the short term as well.

Step 5: Embrace the fact that, ultimately, nothing matters. I saved this point for last as I feel that it ties everything together. It’s perhaps the single most important tip that I can provide to those braving the holidays. Your friends, your family, your significant others… they are only a part of your life until you choose for them not to be. If they hold significance to you, keep them around. If they don’t, move forward and forge your own path. The people we encounter in our lives will all leave some type of impact on us, but we have the right to choose which parts we keep in the end. Perhaps we have friends that we want at our side indefinitely because they provide a feeling of comfort we don’t normally have. Perhaps those memories of family members are all we need from them because we’ve reached an impasse and they no longer add to the progress we’re making. We are solely responsible for our own perception of reality because our reality isn’t experienced by anyone else. So, in a realm dictated by perception and quantified by its place in the universe, nothing matters at all.