#it's just pretend it's all fine it's all okay

[hxney-lemcn]

Affection — NRC Students x gn! reader

summery: what is being affectionate with your fav like?

tw: bad parents (Riddle, Leona (?), Jamil (?)), angsty (Riddle, Leona, Ruggie (kinda), Jamil, Idia, Ortho, Malleus (kinda)).

a/n: A lot of these are based on my own headcanons (Jade).

wc: 2.6k (~100 per character)

Master List

Riddle Rosehearts

Growing up his mother didn’t give him much affection. He wasn’t treated like a child, more like a trophy. Something you keep just out of reach, something you only lay your eyes on. Riddle is terribly touch starved and doesn’t know it. So when you start showing him acts of affection he has no idea how to handle it. What does he do? When is it okay to do these acts? Don’t mind how stiff he is when you hug him or how red he turns if you hold hands. It's something he’s never felt before, and you have unlocked something deep inside Riddle that had been tucked away. So please, give him another hug would you? It helps slowly heal something in him he didn’t know was broken. 

Trey Clover

Trey is a total sweetheart. He doesn’t mind affection at all. Growing up with siblings, he’s used to hugging and hand holding. Whether you're affectionate out the gate or need a little coaxing, it's like Trey instinctively knows. He’ll ask before doing anything, asking for consent, getting to know your boundaries. If you don’t like affection, that’s fine with him, if you only like being affectionate behind closed doors he doesn’t mind. Just know that Trey loves any and all forms of affection you show him, no matter how big or little. He cherishes you, and he’ll show you that in any form you prefer. 

Cater Diamond

We all know Cater doesn’t mind hanging off you out in public. Hugs, cheek kisses, hand holding, you name it, he’s probably done it. What he doesn’t want people knowing is how tiring it is for him to keep up that facade. Although, when it comes to you he doesn’t even register half the things he does. You’re like a magnet that pulls him in. Though, his favorite forms of affection are behind closed doors, just the two of you, no camera. Whether it be you two existing in the same room, or you laying on his chest or vice versa, those are his favorite moments. He doesn’t have to pretend, doesn’t have to put on a mask to make others happy because he is happy with you. 

Deuce Spade

Even though Deuce’s mom has showered him with affection growing up, he’s still shy about it. His image before was a punk, and now he’s trying to be an honor student. So if you ever hug him or try to hold his hand his face will flame up and he won’t be able to meet your eyes. He’s a gentleman though, through and through. Always makes sure you're comfortable even if you’re the one who initiated. He’s not too picky when it comes to affection…but he does prefer if you do it behind closed doors. He loves your kisses, but he doesn't love Ace teasing him about it.

Ace Trappola

Oh boy. Ace is a little gremlin. He acts like your affection doesn’t do anything, acts all smug like you're lucky for being able to hold his hand. All the while his mind is melting and the bright blush on his face gives his true feelings away. I wouldn’t say he’s exactly touch starved, but he does crave your affection. When he became a teen he stopped hugging his parents ‘cus his brother would make fun of him otherwise. He crafted his unbothered persona, and didn’t realize how much he missed hugging until you gave him one. He rarely initiates, but sometimes he crumbles.

Leona Kingscholar

He’s another one who didn’t grow up with much affection, always watching as his older brother Falena got all the praise. He’s bitter, seeing affection as a weakness, like showing your underbelly to your predator. Being soft got you nowhere in the animal kingdom…but he did enjoy it when you played with his hair or kissed his cheek. It left an odd warm feeling to fill him, making him grumble about your idiocy. Deep down, he was scared about how much he enjoyed your affection, scared he’d be upstaged once more and you’d find someone else to love. So he’ll just make sure that doesn’t happen, ‘cus there’s no one better than him after all.

Ruggie Bucchi

Where he’s from, showing affection is like putting a target on your back. It shows a weakness that someone could take advantage of. This is why Ruggie is so skittish at first, always making an excuse to run away if you go to hug him, your hands brush and he’s lifting his hands up to his head (y’know that one position). But once he warms up, realizes you won’t snatch his food and run like a thief, he finds himself enjoying your embrace. It’s like heaven to lay his head in your lap as you feed him an orange. How your hands trace his face so lovingly, like trash like him is actually worth something.

Jack Howl

Jack is a bit awkward when it comes to affection. He’s closed off, but his tough personality does melt away to reveal a heart of gold. He doesn’t mind if you hold his hand, just please don’t mention the pink that tints his cheeks. He does enjoy when it's just the two of you, he feels more relaxed, like he can actually take in your warmth. His hugs might be a bit uncomfortable with all that muscle, but don’t tell him that ‘cus he might stop hugging you then :( On the bright side, you could sit on his back while he does push ups :) 

Azul Ashengrotto

This guy…you can’t even compliment him without him running away at first. Although Azul’s mom was almost over affectionate, he’s another one that gets shy at the thought of anything affectionate. He was ridiculed growing up, which made him sharpen his edges. He has a persona to uphold, he can’t be…clingy…oh is he clingy. Out in public it's only small acts, holding hands, hand resting on your lower back, kiss to the back of your hand. In private is a whole other story. Loves hugs, cuddling, kisses, staring at you. Azul doesn’t get much alone time, so the moments you have together behind closed doors he likes to use to his full advantage. Can you blame him? You looked so lovely all day, do you know how terrible it was to watch you without giving you a kiss?

Jade Leech

Doesn’t really need affection, but finds it cute when you seek him out. He loves you, yes, but affection isn’t really his forte. He won’t deny you a kiss though, especially not when you pout so cutely. Jade’s more of a tease, due to the fact that he doesn’t mind a lack of affection, he finds it hilarious to watch you long for it. He’ll brush his hand against yours, but won’t hold it. He’ll lean in close to your face only to whisper in your ear. He’ll gently brush his fingers over your cheek…only to pinch it. But if you're feeling down, he won’t hesitate to whisk you somewhere private and hold you close. He does love you after all. 

Floyd Leech

Another oh boy. His ‘affection’ can seem less like affection and more like torture. He won’t go easy on you either. In fact, he’ll probably squeeze you tighter due to his cute aggression. Floyd, unlike Jade, loves, loves, loves hugging, holding, squeezing. Then you opened him to the world of kissing, biting. Good luck with that. Most of the time he’s all over you, in public or in private, he doesn’t care, if he wants to nibble on you he’s gonna nibble on you. If you’re uncomfy with that he’ll try to tone it down (will he?), but he will probably forget and do it anyway. If he’s in a sour mood he won’t seek out affection, but if you do the right thing it might make him feel a little better…but be careful.

Kalim Al Asim

He gives so many hugs it makes Jamil want to bash his head in. Do you know how many ways Kalim could get killed with how trusting he is? Expect hugs, hand holding, pulling, cheek kisses, and giggling. He’s not afraid to show the world how much he loves you, and he loves affection! When you show him affection though…get ready for a giggly, blushy, kicking his feet in the air Kalim. He’s so used to being the one giving affection he forgot what it's like to receive it. Yeah a lot of his siblings love him…but a lot have also tried to assassinate him so… Jamil finds you to be a double edged sword, as you tend to keep Kalim reigned in…but he also goes crazy over you.

Jamil Viper

Does not like it. Not at first. It takes a lot to earn his trust, and growing up he didn’t get much affection if any. So he doesn’t like it, it's a foreign feeling and it's just too much for him. Though gradually, he finds himself thinking about your touch, the way your fingers felt as your hands brushed, or wondering how soft it would be to hug you. He curses himself for becoming so weak, but those curses quiet down the second your arms hold him so sweetly. No pda, none whatsoever. But behind closed doors he's more willing to give in to your tender touches (not that he’d admit it).

Vil Schoenheit 

Vil is picky about affection. There’s certain things that you can and can’t do during certain times. With the media always on his back, you can never be too careful about pda. He doesn’t want the world to hound you about your relationship with him, so he tends to keep things behind closed doors. He shows his affection in other ways to compensate, whether it be picking out your outfit or fixing your hair. He has become your personal stylist and you should be thankful. When it's just the two of you though, he becomes such a sap. Holds you so sweetly, trails of kisses, murmurs sweet nothings into your hair. Vil loves you and he won’t let you think otherwise.

Rook Hunt

When doesn’t he show you affection? Flowery words trail after you as you walk to class. Kisses to the back of your hand trail up your arm. No one can outcompete Rook when it comes to admiring you. You could kill a man and he’d be singing your praises while hiding all evidence for you. What's surprising is how he acts when it's just you two alone. Although he is sincere with his usual flowery words, it feels more intimate when you both are alone. When he’s holding your close, staring at you so lovingly, whispering how much you mean to him? I get it Rook lovers, I’ve finally gotten it.

Epel Felmier

Nuh-uh. Affection? That’s for losers! Don’t ask about how loving his grandparents are. Blushes profusely at even the smallest act and then scolds you. He’s a manly man and manly men don’t cuddle! Off topic but I’d love to go on a rant about toxic masculinity and how those stereotypes hurt men more and see how he reacts. Epel warms up to affection quickly, but only if he initiates in public. When it's just you two he’s more chill about it. Resting your head on his shoulder, having you wrap your arms around his, placing a kiss on his forehead—don’t tell anyone that last one…

Idia Shroud

Poor, poor Idia. He only knows affection from Ortho, and after Ortho…once he became a technomantic humanoid Idia couldn’t hug him anymore. It reminded him that Ortho wasn’t…yeah so let's just say Idia is hella touch starved due to self isolation. So you have to slowly bring him out of his shell, revealing that old wound he’s left to fester and tending to it so gently. He can’t help but shiver every time you run your hands through his hair, or when you kiss his temple, or when your body heat seeps into him. Over time he comes to crave your affection, seeking you out but never outright stating what he wanted. Thankfully for him you always seemed to know what he needed. 

Ortho Shroud

This poor boy pt 2. After he was created he didn’t really experience physical affection. With his bulky bodies and being made from metal, he wasn’t comfortable to hug. Ortho never thought about it much, although he was curious what affection felt like. So when you hugged him without a second thought he almost cried (if he could). Soaks up your affection like a sponge and reciprocates tenfold. He now hugs you as a greeting and holds your hand when you both are going somewhere. He can’t help it! Who knew affection was so nice! And since you're willing, he’ll always come to you if he needs someone to lean on.

Malleus Draconia

Malleus knows of affection, but being the future king of Briar Valley and extremely powerful he only knows affection through Lilia and his grandmother. Lilia was super loving, don’t get me wrong, but Malleus could never shake that feeling of loneliness. The way people avoid him, how he’s always out of reach. Yet you…you were willing to listen to him and accompany him. So when you even touched him, he wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t well versed in means of affection, and human affection seemed even more strange. You didn’t just hold his hand, you’d lean on him, you wouldn’t just kiss his cheek, you’d boop him afterwards. Yet he thrived with anything you’d give him. Malleus is content with watching you eagerly, waiting for the next form of affection you’d show him.

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia isn’t afraid to show his affection, and more often than not it leaves his subordinates (children) embarrassed. So when you came along, you had become his willing victim. He shows his affection in less conventional ways. His favorite is scaring you, popping out at random like he was trying to put you into cardiac arrest. But he makes up for it by kissing your nose after. He’ll also cook for you…I pray for your sanity because he can be really sweet but it comes in underhanded ways. If you eat his food he’ll be over the moon…if you don’t he’ll pout. It’s up to you if you want to live or not.

Silver Vanrouge

Growing up under Lilia’s wing did him some favors. He’s not against affection, he just never thought about it too much. He doesn’t mind if you hold his hand or if you kiss his cheek. His favorite is when you both cuddle. He’s a sleepy guy, so naturally this is the most common form of affection you both share. Even the animals will join you two. When he isn’t sleeping though, he’ll give you kisses on the back of your hand, guide you around, he’s your personal knight now. Although he does feel bad that he has to leave you a lot for his duty, he’ll always try to make it up to you at the end of the day.

Sebek Zigvolt 

Nope. No affection allowed. Your eardrums will be shattered if you try. He’s another one who has to warm up to it. His parents are super loving, and he’s used to his mom always hugging him…but he stopped all that nonsense because he has to give his all to his Waka-sama. Sebek is so intense in his worship of Malleus he finds it indecent to even think of anything romantic/affectionate with you. But when you break him down, when you hug him so sweetly or kiss his cheek so softly…yeah he’s a goner. Deep down he craves for your affection, he loves it to a point it scares him. He felt his heart crack when he denied you once, the guilt in your eyes leaving him with a sour taste in his mouth. He supposes he’ll allow you to hug him, but he’s still got a reputation to uphold.

[hqbaby]

seventeen — be careful

mess it up — gojo x reader & sukuna x reader

⁀➴ when i told you i’m fine, you were lied to. when the love of your life falls for someone else, you decide to move on—by pretending to date your best friend, the campus fuckboy.

previous — masterlist — next

word count. 1.9k content. profanity, sexual content [brief sex scene, vaginal penetration]

You know better than to listen to Sukuna. Sukuna, who at seventeen came to you with his biggest, brightest idea: suction cups on every shoe in the world so people would—and you quote—“stop tripping on their damn faces all the time.”

You like to think that you’re better than this. That you won’t succumb to his idiocy, no matter how tempting it may seem. That you’re somehow more evolved than this, capable of saying no to anything your best friend deems to be a “good idea.”

Alas, you’re human and incapable of refusing Sukuna all the time.

Which is why you’re here, on your couch with your brilliant best friend balls deep inside of you while Maki and Nobara knock on your door, waiting for you to let them in to start the study session that you requested.

Sukuna is of course oblivious to the pounding on your door, to Maki’s threats of, “I’m gonna break your door down if you don’t let us in!” He is, unfortunately, too busy pounding into you, shoving his dick into your cunt as you try to push him off.

“Sukuna!” you hiss, hand pressed against his unmoving chest. “They’re here!”

He opens his eyes, grinning through the blissed out look on his face. “So? I don’t hear you telling me to stop.” He thrusts against a spot that has you, unwillingly moaning into the back of your hand. He snickers. “Want me to stop, tiger?”

Glaring at him, you reach down to your clit and bite his shoulder to keep your sounds at bay. “Just be quick,” you whimper, grabbing onto his back as he drills into your walls. “Fuck!”

He picks up the pace and soon enough the two of you are riding through your highs, and you are unceremoniously pushing him off of you. As he groans on the carpet, you scramble to look for your shorts, finding them in some corner—how did it even get there?—and pulling them on.

“Go into the bathroom,” you tell him, looking at your reflection on the fridge and attempting to make your hair look decent. You whip your head around when he doesn’t move. “Now!”

Sukuna stumbles getting up, grimacing as he peels the condom from his dick. “And then what?”

“Make yourself look decent!” you whisper-shout, throwing his jeans at him. “Quickly!”

“I’m going! I’m going!” he says as he scampers into the bathroom.

You give the room one last look, trying to spot any pieces of incriminating evidence, before you grab the knob and swing the door open.

“Hi!” you say, putting on your most convincing smile when you see your two friends on the other side. “Sorry, I got caught up with something.”

“Are you okay?” Maki asks as she and Nobara step inside your apartment. Of course she’d notice that something’s up. “You’re panting.”

You let out a nervous laugh. “Am I?” you say. “I didn’t notice.”

You lead them into the living room, eyes scanning the couch to check for any wet spots, any stains. Your two friends, oblivious to your panicked gaze, make themselves comfortable, taking their usual spots and placing their bags on the floor.

“Do you guys want anything to drink?” you ask them, quickly making your way to the kitchen. “I have tea, soda, whatever you want.”

“Tea please,” Nobara says, pulling her laptop out. She looks at you and frowns. “Maki’s right. You don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine!” you say a little too quickly. “Just—” 

“Oh! You guys are here!”

Sukuna walks out of the bathroom, face flushed as he tries his best to move coolly over to your friends. He has a totally-not-suspicious grin on his face as he sits down on the floor beside Nobara. At least he had enough sense to fix his hair. It was in a… not so good state just a few minutes ago.

“Oh, you’re here,” Nobara says, looking at Sukuna. While she’s definitely gotten used to his presence, you wouldn’t go so far as to call the two of them friends. “I didn’t know you were studying with us.”

“He’s not!” you cut in before Sukuna can say anything. “He was just passing through. Needed to use the toilet.”

He looks at you, eye twitching a little at the excuse you just gave for him. “Yeah,” he says through his smile. “You guys know me. And toilets.”

Maki looks between the two of you, immediately picking up on whatever nervous energy you aren’t able to hide. “Okay, what’s going on here?”

“Nothing!” the two of you say, not helping your case.

Maki turns to Sukuna, the weaker link. She always knows which buttons to push. “Why are you really here?” she asks. “And don’t even think of lying to me.”

A beat passes and he doesn’t answer.

Then another.

Then another.

Then—

“Holy shit! You’re fucking!”

You sink to the floor. “I’m gonna crawl into a hole and die now.”

Nobara is looking between the two of you wildly now, manic eyes shifting from you to Sukuna to you to Sukuna. She stands, pointing an accusatory finger somewhere between the two of you because the shock has made her lose all sense of direction apparently.

“No fucking way!” she says. To you? To Sukuna? You can’t tell. All you know is that she sounds confused, shocked, and mad all at the same time. “How long has this been going on?”

You roll your eyes at her theatrics (not that you weren’t being dramatic in your own right too) and walk over to them from the kitchen. “Barely two days,” you tell her. “It just… happened.”

Maki narrows her eyes at you. “His dick just so happened to slide inside you?”

Sukuna is red in the face, clearly beyond uncomfortable with this conversation. “Okay, now before you guys start—”

“You don’t talk,” Maki tells him firmly, forcing him to hug his knees and look down at the floor. She turns back to you. “I thought this wasn’t real, that the two of you,” she drags a finger from you to Sukuna, “were just fucking around because of the breakup.”

You shrink back, holding your arms and averting your gaze. “I think this is a good thing.”

The way your voice comes out is so quiet and vulnerable, it almost scares you. Judging by the look on Maki’s face when you turn to her after a moment of silence, you realize that it’s probably caused the same effect on her too. When was the last time she heard you be this open about the way you felt?

“Okay,” she says eventually. She turns to Sukuna. “Just because you two are a thing now, doesn’t mean you get to intrude on our girl time.”

He lifts his head and nods. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

She waves him off. “Skedaddle, dude.”

“What? Like right now?”

“Yes.”

“But you’re just gonna talk about me!” Sukuna whines. He glances at you, hoping for some support. “They’re gonna shit talk me.”

You shrug, grinning now at his distress. “Too bad,” you tell him. “It’s girl time, and you’re not a girl.”

After Sukuna leaves, the three of you go about your familiar routine. You get your friends drinks, Maki pulls out a bunch of food that she brought—against your wishes—and Nobara complains about the fact that she has way too many things to study and far too little time.

“It’s so fucking cold,” you tell Nobara when she turns the AC up. You grab the sweater on your couch and pull it over your head, rubbing your arms as you shiver, all exaggerated just to get your point across.

Nobara just shrugs and picks at some of the sushi Maki brought. “Too bad,” she tells you through a full mouth. “I’m your guest and it’s your duty as a host to make sure I get everything I want.”

“Maki, she’s being mean.”

Maki hums, focused on whatever it is she’s doing on her phone. “Nobara, don’t be mean,” she says mindlessly. When she puts her phone away she turns to you, “Kento’s gonna have your ass.”

You groan. “What did I do this time?”

“What do you think you did?”

“I dunno. I was my beautiful, wonderful self?”

“Nope,” she tells you, relaxing into her seat. “You missed a zero on the financial report.”

“Oh, I fucking did not,” you say, defensive. “I triple-checked that!”

“Well, apparently you missed it,” she says. “All good though because apparently it just means we have more money to donate now.”

You grin, all smug at your not-so-terrible-mistake. “Look at me, making money out of thin air.”

“He’s still gonna kill you though.”

“I know,” you tell her. You open one of the many bags of chips Maki brought and pop a piece in your mouth. “Does that man ever take a break? It’s like he’s always texting me about the club or calling you about some shitty thing I did.”

Nobara snorts at that.

“What?” you say, looking at her with a raised brow.

“Oh, please,” she says. “We all know he has a crush on you.”

You grab one of your throw pillows from the couch and hurl it at her. “Take that back right now!” you demand. “That’s so gross. He’s like a brother to me. An annoying nuisance of an older brother.”

“The same way Sukuna’s like a brother to you?”

You frown. It’s not like you thought the topic wouldn’t come up. Sukuna was right, you were obviously going to have to address the elephant in the room—when the elephant in question wasn’t in the room anymore of course.

“Is it real?” Nobara asks you. “Because if it isn’t—and I can’t believe I’m actually trying to do something good for that guy, but because I know how much he means to you—maybe you shouldn’t use your best friend as a rebound.”

“I’m not using him as a rebound.”

Your friends share a look. You hate when they do that because it always means that they know something you don’t. They see something you don’t see.

“I’m just saying, I don’t think you’re really over Satoru just yet,” Nobara tells you eventually.

“What makes you think that?” you ask. Your voice is quieter than you would like it to be. “I was the one who broke up with him.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Maki points out. “We all know how… complicated that was.”

You don’t like this. You don’t like this at all.

After the breakup, you did your best to steer clear of the topic of Satoru. The whole thing was too much for you, in more ways than one. Having to dig that all up now… It isn’t the way you want this to go.

“Sukuna and I are good,” you say, but you begin to wonder if you’re saying it for them or for yourself. “I know you guys don’t like him so much, but he cares about me. I’ve known him forever, I trust him.”

Maki nods, clearing her throat. “Yeah,” she says as she turns away from you. “So who’s sweater are you wearing?”

You furrow your brows, grabbing the fabric of the thing you’re wearing. You look down. What could she possibly be implying—

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Nobara says, watching the recognition in your eyes. She leans over the coffee table and places a hand on top of yours. “Just be careful, yeah?”

Your mouth feels dry as you look up at your friends. “Yeah,” you tell them. “I’ll be careful.”

Your fingers drag along the hem of the sweater. Not yours, definitely, far too big to be something you’d buy for yourself. You’d say you don’t know why you still have it, but you do. Of course you do.

You should really give it back to Satoru.

notes. oh no! feelings!

[feyburner]

I loved LOVED a word, a look, will be enough. I’m obsessed with the way you write jason and tim. No pressure to answer this at all, but I was curious if you have a headcanon about how the missing spleen reveal eventually goes

Jay »

Good afternoon Timothy.

« tim

uh oh

Jay »

I just had a fascinating conversation with Doc thompson

Care to hazard a guess about what?

« tim

pollen season

Jay »

No.

« tim

bird flu

Jay »

Is there a reason you havent told anyone in your life that you dont have a fucking spleen?

« tim

okay first of all

i’m not sure why doc thompson felt the need to tell you my private medical information

pretty sure they have a rule about that

Jay »

It’s not her fault.

I mentioned that you got whammied with that stupid germ bomb from Typhoid Tony or whatever the fuck his name was

« tim

vik vyral

Jay »

And she got all serious and told me I should get you into the clinic asap, and I was like no he’s fine now, it was basically a 24 hour bug, and she was like no, theres no such thing as a 24 hour bug for him, he needs to come get his blood tested yesterday

And then she clearly realized I had no fucking clue what she was talking about and clammed up. Wouldn’t say a thing. Told me to ask you myself.

Jay »

The look she gave me when I said you slept it off and went back to work. Like I should know better. like I was letting you be careless and shit bc thats just how I am or something.

« tim

“letting” me?

Jay »

yeah. Letting you. I know you know what I mean

« tim

i’m not sure i do.

Jay »

When youre with someone you take care of them.

I dont pretend to know much about this shit but I know that.

I’m not talking about handcuffing you to the radiator. Im talking about knowing whats going on with you and knowing that sometimes you let shit slide that I wouldn’t. When it comes to you

You do that for me and the others all the time. Thats how it works.

« tim

doc thompson doesn’t know you’re “with” me

Jay »

If you think everyone doesn’t know exactly what’s going on then your detective skills need work

Jay »

Also, Jesus, Tim.

« tim

ok sorry, i didn’t mean the scare quotes part

but did you pause to consider maybe there’s a reason i haven’t told everyone other than whatever shortsighted masochistic bs you’re assuming

Jay »

I dont need you to tell everyone. I’m not asking you to write a report on it.

Just like. if there’s any other major medical shit can you maybe tell me

Before you fucking die of a sinus infection or whatever bc the asshole who lives with you didn’t know your immune system has the horsepower of a bicycle

« tim

did you know you curse more when you’re fronting like you’re not worried about me

Jay »

I’m actually not fronting! in this moment!

« tim

okay

well. i am sorry

that sounded sarcastic bc of who i am as a person

but it’s not. i mean it.

Jay »

Sorry for yelling at you

« tim

i dont wanna go into it over text but i’ll tell you tonight. okay?

about what happened.

also there’s nothing else. it’s just the spleen thing

ok?

Jay »

Okay.

« tim

well and the mango allergy

well. and i’m double jointed specifically bc i have joint-hypermobility syndrome

which is why im so flexible :)

but also why i dislocate things a lot :(

um and im mildly allergic to carrots, bananas, pineapples, and most legumes, but it’s fine they just make my tongue itch

i think that’s all

Jay »

Tim can you be honest with me for a second

« tim

yeah…

Jay »

Are you inbred

« tim

NSJDN/&2&jdj?!_£_??

Jay »

Like are you that type of rich person

You can tell me. We are not going to procreate so I dont mind either way

« tim

just scared the living shit out of an intern who had never seen me laugh before. i think she thought i was choking

jesus CHRIST

i will see you at home.

Jay »

You

didn’t answer the question….

[ohnopeh]

i love the idea that ian finally understands he had been making mickey believe he wasn't loved enough for not singing the paper.

he goes to mickey showing a ring and mickey is hopeful but also wary of what is happening, then ian says it

i love ian, but darling, you can be a bit dumb (its okay you are learning)

what could have mickey possibly thought? that ian will marry him cause gallagher keep their promises? that's all to it? is it not because he supposedly loves him and genuinely wants that?

the look on mickey's face as he realises what ian said makes me think that it was the moment mickey fears were ''confirmed''. ian didn't love him enough, of course he wouldn't, why would he? ian bought the promise ring, yes, but he still wouldn't wear it but hang it on his neck where he can hide it, is mickey not it? and then mickey says it

he realises mickey had been thinking ian didn’t love him and that’s it, he tried many times. by coming out, being there during the whole diagnosis, being broken up with but still thinking of him and hoping to be together, thinking he will be with him in mexico and then getting himself back to prison so that he can be with him, support him through all that. but that was it. he didn't have it in him to fight for them anymore, he had the rights to finally put himself first and say ''that's enough''. ‘you don’t love me enough now, and that’s fine, it’s cool.’

but ian fucked up. he now knows that mickey believed he wasn't enough, he wasn't the right one for ian.

it didn't even cross his mind that it could have been a possibility, cause since the diagnosis, ian had been so sure that he wasn't worth of mickey and the pain that comes by being around him, loving him.

so ian thinks : how can you ever be so sure you love me? how can you even possibly be in love with me when i have such disorder that won't make it easy for you? what do you even see in me to think i'm worth all of that?

the only explaination ian can think of for someone like mickey to fight so hard for their relationship to work is that : he's either crazy or he never experienced any other type of relationship before.

cause ian has, ian has dated other people after mickey and none of them loved him. one cheated on him, gaslighting him that it was okay cause it was a chick and not a guy. the other made it a challange for ian to be attracted to him, didn't respect ian when it came to his trauma regarding monica, didn't really care about ian being off his meds, being more concerned that his mania was making him the star of the news and not what trevor really wanted. mickey had never done that, mickey had always been there for ian and he knows that— he knows that mickey is the one he loves and the one that will do anything for him. he broke up with him because he loved mickey too much and wanted him to be free.

being with those people made it impossible for ian to even pretend that mickey wasn't the one he loved and that loved him back.

but mickey? he never had a relationship other than the one with ian, so how could he know that ian is the one if he never dated anyone else? someone ‘normal’, someone that wouldn’t make him worry and watch for his mood swings?

ian is telling mickey that he has a choice to do better— he’s telling him that out there, there’s someone that won’t hurt him, that won’t make mickey think they’re not in love enough to take the big step with him. cause ian knows mickey is everything— but how could mickey know that ian is that for him too?

i love how mickey’s expression changes as ian speaks. it's the moment it hits him that ian loves mickey enough, he loves him too much so that he questions himself just as much, deciding for both of them (once again) what mickey needs and who he shouldn't be with.

and i love that mickey finally understands everything, he understands why ian broke up with him in s5 and tried to move on and pretend mickey wasn’t what he wanted. mickey's first reaction is just to shake his head and say ''jesus christ, ian.''

and ian looks so confused, he might be thinking : what did i say wrong? i know i am right, you know that this is true. i'm a problem, i'm not worth it, can't you see? but that's mickey’s limit, it was ian’s moment to work on his not worthy of your love shit and realise that it’s all bullshit cause mickey is all in for them. he always has been no matter what.

and mickey knows so well that he can't do anything else to prove it to ian. he straight up tells him the answer to lip's ''figure out why you don't wanna marry him.'' 'cause he doesn't believe he's worth it. but mickey has proved him enough, mickey has told him what's ian true fear is and its not mickey's love for him that will fix it. it was ian's job to work through with it (and he did!! of course he did) back when this episode came out, i was so angry and frustrated about it, i guess growing up makes you see things differently uh?

[hanni-bae44]

Title: Nothing Like Us (Wooyoung)

Pairing- Wooyoung x fem!reader

Genre- friends to lovers-ish; angst, fluff (warnings: mentions of cancer, character death & cursing)

Word Count- 8.9k

Summary- The Wooyoung you knew would never give up. He'd rather break his arm trying to win to San at arm wrestle then give up. But times have changed. And so has your best friend. He had lost his strength and his time was running out. Nothing was okay anymore but maybe for each other, you and him could just pretend.

-

“One month until summer break, are you excited?” you asked Wooyoung as you guys walked out of your shared lecture. The moment you stepped out of the business building, the sun shined in your eyes and the humidity poked at your skin. It was way too hot to be walking around campus so leisurely.

“Yeah,” Wooyoung said as he stared solemnly at the concrete sidewalk in front. He then pulled down his beanie to cover more of his forehead. 

“You don’t seem that excited." You nudged his shoulder with a smile. 

“I am. I’m just tired today.” 

You stared at him, examining how the sun made his features more prominent. There was a hollowness in his cheeks and the bags under his eyes that stuck out. You’ve noticed how sharp his jawline had become too but you didn’t think much of it. His face used to be so full of life but now it was just dull. It was probably the stress. After all, finals were coming up.

“You’re always tired,” you sighed. “I’m telling you it’s because all you wear these days is hoodies and pants. I swear you’re going to faint one day from the heat. I can’t even stand it and I’m in shorts and a tank top. It’s amazing how you’re holding up.” When he didn’t respond with his usual snarky comebacks, you asked, “what’s up with you these days Wooyoung? You’re so off these days. Is something wrong?”

“Everything’s fine,” he insisted but you weren’t convinced. 

When you both arrived at the dining hall, you and Wooyoung both got your trays. You began to eat first while raving to Wooyoung about all the things you planned to do when summer comes. He didn't seem too enthusiastic despite having loved summer.

It seemed like you were the only one hungry too. Wooyoung barely touched his food despite how he’d normally be starving by this hour. He insisted he didn’t have an appetite and you were genuinely worried. 

“Why did you even come here if you’re not hungry? You’re wasting your money,” you nagged. 

“Well you wanted food and I can’t get in without swiping my balance.”

You stifled a scoff then shoved another spoon of mac and cheese in your mouth. 

The rest of your friends joined for lunch eventually. Light chatter filled your table as Yunho ranted about how San sucked in Valorant. Yeosang and Jongho even got into a small fight arguing over whose fault it really was that their hair dryer stopped working. Everyone was in a good mood for the most part.

Everyone except Wooyoung.

"Are you sure you're okay?" you asked Wooyoung again after noticing how he kept putting his head down. "Did you stay up gaming all night again or something?"

"I'm fine. You've already asked that like 5 times this morning. My answer isn't going to change the sixth time," he blurted out with his brows pulled together, causing you to frown.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. He was always so moody these days. A trait uncharacteristic of him.

"Don't mind him, he's just cranky because he got a zero on the math homework he forgot to do. His grade went down a whole letter," San spoke up, attempting to comfort you while side glaring Wooyoung.

You didn't reply, instead choosing to make conversation with Seonghwa who would never go off on you. You left Wooyoung alone for the rest of lunch. You weren't mad per se but you just didn't want to talk to him anymore. At least for today.

You wished you could say Wooyoung’s odd behaviors stopped there but it didn’t.

He continued to act unusual for the following weeks. Usually he was always full of energy, always the one to talk first, be the loudest in the room, but he barely talked these days unless spoken to first. He started to skip class again too and napped all the time. Overall, he became more irritable and reserved. He was morphing into a Wooyoung you didn’t even recognize anymore. 

Regardless, you looked past his new and off behaviors. Everyone had their unusual traits when stressed.

-

The spring semester had just ended last week and San opened the door for you so you could enter into his shared apartment with Wooyoung.

Since Wooyoung’s parents' house was a block down from your parent’s house, it just made sense to take the trip back home together. You were the driver this time and all your luggage was already in the car. You were ready to go, only waiting for Wooyoung now.

Wooyoung was still packing in his room according to San so you decided to pay him a visit.

You had forgotten to knock (since you were so used to just barging in) that you walked in on Wooyoung slipping over a tank top. You couldn’t stop yourself from gawking at how skinny he had gotten. He was all skin and bones at this point, the slight muscle he had worked on so hard for last summer all gone.

When Wooyoung noticed you at his doorstep, he grabbed his oversized sweatshirt and slipped it on before grumbling, “you should have knocked.”

Although true, you didn't apologize. “Did you finish packing?” you asked in response as you glanced around his messy room. For someone who was barely in his room due to all his participation in student organizations on campus, he sure made a mess of it. 

“Does it look like I finished?” At the sound of his grumpy tone, you grimaced. “Sorry,” he caught himself, rubbing at his temples. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. Just give me a bit. I overslept earlier.”

You nodded then sat on the edge of his bed. You scrolled on your phone while engaging in light conversation with him to pass time. You expressed how much you missed his little brother and he smiled at that, assuring you that Kyungmin had missed you too.

-

The day you guys arrived back home, you both got settled in and rested, not meeting again for two days. 

“I can’t believe it’s finally summer break. This semester was so stressful,” you ranted beside Wooyoung as he scrolled mindlessly on his phone. The both of you were currently in his childhood bedroom, hanging out. Even though Wooyoung didn't seem to care at what you had to say, you continued to ramble about your major.

After a while, Wooyoung finally spoke up rather than just giving the occasional nods and hums. “I have to tell you something,” he began as he sat up, now leaning against the wall. The way he looked at you was so intense. You studied his face, and took notice of the way his breathing grew heavy. He seemed nervous and hesitant. “I’m not going back to school,” he finally said. 

You jumped up from your laid position. Your brows furrowed. “You’re taking a semester off?”

“No. I dropped out.” 

“What. Why?”

“There’s just no point in going back to school.” The moment those words left his mouth, you scanned his room for a hidden camera but didn't see any amongst the mess of his bedroom. You even waited for him to say that this was a prank or something but that moment never came. 

“You’re joking, Wooyoung. Say you’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

“Then why? You can’t just say you’re dropping out and not tell me why. Do your parents know?”

“Yes. And before you ask, they accept my decision.”

“Bullshit. You’re throwing your whole life away, Wooyoung. I thought you liked university. The student life, the student organizations, the dance club… You’re really just going to drop out? What will you do with your life now? What kind of role model will you be to Kyungmin if you just give up on your future right now?”

“Life doesn’t revolve around university, Y/N,” he said sternly, a hint of dejection in his voice.

“Obviously not, but you worked so hard. You only have two years left and you’re just going to give it all up now? Just tell me why so I can understand why you’re being so impulsive like this. I just don’t get why-“

“It’s because I have leukemia, alright!? That's why.” His voice wavered at the end. “I have no future.”

You fell silent as you met his dull eyes. The ones that used to have so much spark and life in them when he saw a cute baby at a Target. The ones that lit up when he won a dumb game to Yunho. The ones that lit up when he got the chance to tease you. Now those same eyes were telling you that he had leukemia. 

“You have a lot of cruel jokes today Wooyoung," you trailed off.

It wasn't until he pulled his beanie off and grabbed at the few strands of hair that fell out that you realized he probably wasn’t joking. And reality crashed down fast. 

“Why do you think I always wear this beanie? I'm going bald," he smiled weakly. "Also don’t be mad but I’ve known for a month. I wanted to tell you when I found out, but I never found the right time and then I kept putting it off. Even today, I didn’t know how to tell you.”

Your heart was beating loudly against your chest as a tear rolled down your cheek. You were about to take a pillow and throw it at him but when you realized it would actually hurt him now, you refrained. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me when you knew.” You let out an airy scoff as you let the fact that your best friend— the guy you’ve known your whole life— had cancer sink in. “Do all our friends know?”

“Just you and San.” He then began to tell you more about his Acute Myeloid Leukemia diagnosis and how fast it deteriorated his health. “After thinking about it, I decided not to get treatment,” he admitted with a sigh. “The doctors said I have about three months left to live without chemotherapy. One month down so far, two months left. And that's if I'm lucky.” A tight-lipped smile played on his lips while he raised his brows.

“You’re kidding. You’re not getting treatment?” 

“It’s too expensive.”

“So? We can fundraise! I can have everyone in the student association hold a-”

“Listen.” Wooyoung sighed. He reached for your hands, his palm cold against yours. “The odds of me living past this summer are low with how quickly the cancer has spread. I don’t want to drain my parent’s bank account when I’m just going to die anyway.”

“Shut up,” you said as tears rolled down your cheek. “You’re not.” You refused to hear him say that he was dying. Your best friend Wooyoung would never greet death so easily. He would fight. The Wooyoung you knew would fight for his life. “Remember last fall? You wouldn’t give up arm wrestling to San even though your wrist was in pain yet you’re just going to give up on your life just like that?”

“That’s not the same shit and you know that.”

“Still! You can’t just do nothing.”

“I can and I will. It’s my decision.”

You sniffled then pulled your hand away. “You’re a lot of things Wooyoung, but I never saw you as a quitter.”

“I’m dying,” he reminded you and you hated how calm he was. It was as if he had already accepted his fate, just sitting around now, waiting to die. 

“Don’t say that,” you said as you wiped your tears.

His expression was still. “Why not? It’s the truth.”

“I can’t with you right now. You know what? I’m leaving. And when I come over tomorrow, you’ll tell me that this was just a dumb hidden camera prank. This can’t be real,” you shook your head in denial. “This is just some sick joke.” You didn’t give him time to respond before you stormed out of his room and went back to your house.

-

When you woke up the next day, you still remembered the conversation yesterday vividly and in detail. It wouldn’t be until night fell that you realized this was most likely not a joke. Especially when it came to you why Wooyoung had been acting so off recently.

Throwing on your coat, you were about to head over to Wooyoung’s house when you heard a loud bang at your window. You lived in a one-story house so for a second, you thought you were being robbed but then you saw a rock being thrown at your door, followed by the voice of Wooyoung shouting “open the window, it’s me.”

Immediately, you pulled open your window and Wooyoung crawled in, sticking one leg in first.

“I was just about to go over to your house,” you said as you sat down on the edge of your bed.

“Yeah, right,” he grumbled. “I waited for you all day. I won’t be alive for long so stop ignoring me.”

You frowned. “I wasn't ignoring you.”

He took a seat beside you then fiddled with his hands before taking your hands in between his, forcing you to glance up at him. “Look. I’m not apologizing for not getting treatment but I am sorry I let things end like that yesterday. I don’t like knowing you’re mad at me.”

“Then don’t make me mad," you huffed.

He let out an airy scoff before continuing, “I’m sorry too for the way I’ve been acting the past few weeks too. I just get so tired and angry sometimes, it’s hard to control my tone.”

You didn’t respond to that, trying your hardest to not let the tears fall. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why didn’t you just leave school earlier then? Instead you wasted a whole month of your life at university.  Why didn’t you just go back home? Don’t you have things you want to do before you die?”

He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I didn’t waste a month at university. I chose to be there to live out the last of my student life with my friends. Plus, you were there so there was never a wasted moment. San was a lot of help too, driving me to and from the hospital and helping me with everything. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him.”

“Why didn’t you tell the others? Seonghwa, Hongjoong, Mingi, they all care about you,” you asked, remembering how he said he only told you and San about his diagnosis the other day.

“I don’t want them to make a big deal out of it.” 

“Well news flash Wooyoung, you’re dying so it is big news. So what? You’re not going to tell them at all?”

“Yeah, I’m not so please don’t tell them either. I don’t think I can stand seeing the look on their faces if they knew. It’s for the better.”

“How do you think they’ll feel when you’re dead and didn’t even bother to tell them before you passed? They’re our friends.”

“I know. But please. For me, think of it as my dying wish. Just don’t tell anyone else.”

You scoffed at that, taking back your hand. You weren’t sure if you were comfortable keeping such a big secret but you complied anyway. “Fine. But only if you stop joking about dying.”

“I can’t help it. It’s my coping mechanism,” he insisted with a half-hearted smile.

You pursed your lips, not finding his jokes funny at all. “Speaking of wishes. Have you made a bucket list?”

“What? Will you be my Make A Wish foundation?” he asked in a sarcastic tone with wide eyes. “Will you grant my wish to meet Gordon Ramsey?” he pouted.

“Ha ha, if only. But I’m serious. Do you have a bucket list?”

“What’s the point? I can’t do the things I want to do anyway.” 

“I'll take that as a no then. It's okay, we can make one together of all the things you want to do and can do.”

-

It would soon come to your attention that the things Wooyoung wanted to do such as traveling, hiking, zip lining, biking around New York, and swimming with the dolphins all required a lot of energy and endurance which Wooyoung didn’t have much of these days. 

So instead, you both decided to just do the little things together. You and him began to prank call your local stores, go for picnics, cook together, and catch up on all the TV shows and movies that you guys missed out on during the school year.

You’d get lost in those little moments with Wooyoung because you’d just be beside each other with no care in the world. It was just like you guys were kids again with responsibilities or worries to stress about. In the end, it didn’t matter what you guys did. As long as you guys did them together, Wooyoung seemed happy.

You and him even decided to go to a carnival that was in town. The both of you loved how the carnival was like a mini amusement park so it was perfect.

The moment you stepped into the carnival, you slipped your hands into Wooyoung’s and led him to a food vendor. You bought a huge soda along with some Fried Oreos and cookie dough. You tried to feed a Fried Oreo to Wooyoung but he refused, calling them disgusting but it never deterred you from enjoying the treats.

After that, you and Wooyoung took a stroll around the carnival, soaking in the ambience and joy of all the families and couples chatting and laughing. You passed by so many rides too but didn’t go on any. Most of the rides were tame but Wooyoung still couldn’t go on them so you didn't ride any either.

“Come on, just go. I know you want to go on that spaceship ride. I’ll wait for you,” Wooyoung insisted.

That spaceship ride was your favorite. It spun around at a fast speed while going up and down vertically and reminded you of your youth. You and him used to ride it together as teens all the time so now that he was encouraging you to ride it alone? It didn't feel right.

“The line is too long,” you insisted, now clutching onto his arm. You tried to pull him to the area where the bottle toss games were but he stood his ground, his feet not moving. 

“There’s only 2 families in line. We can wait.”

“It’s fine, I ate too much oily food. All that walking is making me tired too. I’ll just puke it right up.”

He said your name firmly then sighed. “You’re not having any fun. You haven’t rode anything all evening, all you did was eat.”

“I like food,” you shrugged.

He grimaced. “Yeah, you do. But you’re also holding back because of me. I want you to have fun too. How much did you pay for these wristbands again? The least you can do is use it if I can't. You’re wasting your money just standing here next to me.”

“I am having fun. I’ll always have fun when I’m with you Wooyoung,” you assured him with a tender smile. He looked back at you with an expression you couldn’t decipher but you didn't comment on it. “Come on, let’s go look at what stuffed animals they have at those bottle toss games," you insisted as you tugged on his arm again. And this time, his feet finally moved.

When you both got to the tossing game, things weren’t looking too good. You really wanted that big teddy bear the size of your torso but you kept missing the throws. 

Wooyoung took a swing at the game too but he sucked as well. You could tell his arm was tired but he kept going despite your pleas. “It’s fine Wooyoung, let’s just go. We already spent so much on this game.”

“No, I can make it, just a few more tries.” When he missed again, he groaned, pulling out his wallet again. 

“Wooyoung, I really don’t need it. It’s fine. Save your money.”

“I said I got it,” He grumbled loudly. You were used to his random bursts of anger but it never failed to startle you. You swallowed thickly then sighed. He wouldn’t even give up on this stupid and rigged game yet he’d give up on his own life so easily. As much as you respected his decision, you still couldn’t believe it.

Wooyoung went three more rounds before finally getting a win. He was sweating at this point and you were relieved. He was so happy to hand you the stuffed bear that you couldn’t help but smile too. 

You pulled out your phone, asking the guy who stood behind the stand to take a picture of you and Wooyoung. You both smiled for the picture, standing next to each other. His hand was around your shoulder while you held onto the teddy bear he won for you. 

Wooyoung then walked over to a trash can to spit out his gum and when he did, the guy behind the stand smiled fondly. “Your boyfriend doesn’t give up does he?  I can tell he really cares about you.” 

Your mouth went dry. Before you could clarify that you and Wooyoung were just friends, Wooyoung was back so you just said, “thanks” to the man before slipping your hands into Wooyoung’s again. 

The sky soon turned completely dark. The only source of light was from the colorful neon LED lights of the rides illuminating the whole carnival.

To end the day, you and Wooyoung both decided to go on the ferris wheel.

You and Wooyoung sat beside each other as the ride made its way up. The air was less congested up there and for a moment, it was just so peaceful. The vibrance and mood of the carnival brought a serene smile to your face. One that made Wooyoung smile too.

You pulled out your phone again to take a picture of Wooyoung admiring the scenery below. His side profile was always so breathtaking. He was always so handsome to you, and he still was. Reality dawned on you again as you realized this was probably the last time you would ride a ferris wheel with him.

You began to realize that tomorrow isn’t promised, frowning as you continued to stare blankly at him. 

“Taking a picture of me so it lasts longer?” he asked with a teasing tone.

“You wish,” you scoffed. You were about to put your phone away when he snatched it from you. He then grabbed your arm to pull your body towards him. You both smiled on cue as he took a couple pictures.

He handed you back your phone then said, “there, now you have something to remember me by.”

You grimaced. “Have you ever considered how I feel when you say those things?”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to die yet all you do is remind me that you’re dying.” 

“I don’t want to be reminded that I have cancer yet I feel it every day,” he replied.

You scoffed. “You’re unbelievable.” 

He reached for your hand and placed it on his lap, his hands cold to the touch. “I’m sorry I made you upset,” he began softly. “There? Happy?"

You playfully rolled your eyes. “Sure, whatever.” 

He brought your hand up to his lips and kissed the back of your hand before intertwining them. His lips were chapped and scratched your skin. “Thanks for doing this with me. Even if we barely got to do anything, I had fun,” Wooyoung said with a genuine smile. 

Your eyes widened as you glanced down at your locked hands. It wouldn’t be until he gave them a squeeze that you cleared your throat, finally saying “I had fun too.”

-

Wooyoung slept even more these days but when he wasn’t and had the energy, he hung out with you.

Your summer was filled with Wooyoung but it still wasn’t enough. Time was moving so fast and all you wanted was just for time to slow down so you could cherish these moments with Wooyoung more. But time didn’t stop for anyone, and certainly not for you. 

You were both lying together on his bed, your head on his chest. He occasionally played with your hair while you played with the strings on his hoodie. A romantic comedy played on his TV while you listened to his heartbeat and basked in his warmth. Cuddling was normal between the two of you. He was always an affectionate person so it was all platonic.

After a while, you got bored of the movie. It wasn't bad per se but it definitely wasn't good. Wooyoung even called the movie dumb too but you two finished it anyway just to see why people hyped it up so much.

“Do you have any regrets?” He suddenly asked you, causing you to sit up to get a good look at his face.

“Doesn’t everyone?” 

“Name one,” he challenged. 

“I regret not spending more time with you,” you answered honestly. 

“You spend a lot of time with me already,” he deadpanned but you could tell there was a smile he was suppressing. “I have a lot of regrets,” he began softly. “You know what I regret the most? Not telling this girl that I loved her.” He spoke slowly as his eyes trailed your face. “Do you think I should still tell her even though me and her have no chance?”

You felt a tug at your heart just thinking about him in love with another girl. You hoped he didn’t notice your falter and forced a smile. “You should tell her then. Nothing to lose, am I right?” 

“Not exactly. She’s my best friend so I actually have everything to lose.” Wooyoung said, eyes square on your face. Your lips parted as the realization sank in. You were the only girl best friend he had.

“Just to be clear,” you began hesitantly. “Me, right?” You pointed to yourself. 

Wooyoung smiled. “Yeah, you dumbass. Who else?”

Your mouth went dry at his confession. You loved Wooyoung too but always suppressed those feelings. You had convinced yourself that he’d never feel the same for so long that now it just felt foreign to hear him admit the opposite. You let out an airy scoff after a few seconds, still in disbelief. “You’re joking.”

“Why do you think everything I say is a joke?”

“You joke a lot.”

“Well I mean it this time.”

You crossed your arms and straightened your back. “Then say it properly.”

He playfully rolled his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” The moment you said it, a tear rolled down your cheek. “But I hate this Wooyoung… I hate cancer. Out of everyone, why did it have to be you? You were just so healthy a couple months ago.”

“I hate it too,” he said calmly. “But it’s okay. I’m not afraid.”

“You should be. I’m scared, Wooyoung, I don’t want to lose you.” An ugly sob ripped from your throat. 

“You’ll never lose me. Even when I’m buried 6 feet under, I’ll always be with you.” He then gestured for you to sit beside him and you did. “I’ve loved you since we were in the first grade. Remember when you asked why none of my relationships ever lasted? It was because I was in love with you. It’s always been you, Y/N. I thought you’d figure it out eventually but I guess you never realized it. Better late than ever though, right?”

“You should’ve got treatment,” you said in response, desperate for anything to help your best friend live.

“There’s just some things in life you have to accept and not fight,” he began. “My cousin’s uncle had cancer, you know. He decided to get treatment then died a few days after the first round. Treatment doesn’t guarantee shit. To this day, my cousin still believes that his uncle could’ve survived another year if he hadn’t got treatment,” he stressed. “No one can run from death.” 

You pulled your knees towards your chest to hide your face as tears streamed out. 

You hated how unfair the world was. Wooyoung was the most caring and loving person you knew. He often joked a lot, sometimes rubbing people wrong, but he always meant well. After all, teasing people was his way of showing affection. His actions highlighted the type of person he was. He would give a stranger the shirt off his back if he had too. He would risk his life to run into a burning building looking for survivors. He’d do anything to protect the people he loved and the strangers he inhabited this Earth with. So it sucks. It really sucks that nothing on this Earth could protect him back. 

He was dying. And you couldn’t do anything to help.

Wooyoung pulled your hands down from your face and sat facing you now. He forced you to look him in the eyes when he cupped your cheek. “Everyone faces death eventually, it just happened that my fate is sooner. But it’ll all be okay.”

“Nothing is okay.” There was a strain in your voice as you continued, “you’re dying, Wooyoung.” 

“You’re right. Nothing is okay. But we can pretend, can’t we?” His thumb swiped over your cheek. He swallowed thickly as the silence reverberated from the constraints of his walls. His gaze flickered down to your lips and the next thing you knew his chapped lips were on yours. You could tell he was hesitant so you took the leap and deepened the kiss, holding onto his jaw to do so, but also being careful not to hurt him as well.  

You loved him so much it hurt. But love wasn’t enough to fix whatever his own cells were doing to his body. Love wasn’t enough to save him. 

When Wooyoung leaned back, he sat criss-crossed again. On his face was a cheeky smile.

“What was that kiss for?” you asked.

“I could ask you the same. You’re the one in love with me,” he gloated, causing you to roll your eyes.

“Hey, you said ‘I loved you first,’” you reminded him.

“That’s true… I also told you when I fell for you. Now it’s your turn. When did you realize you were in love with me then, hm?” he asked but you only scoffed, still taken aback by everything. “Oh come on, you have to tell me. I can’t leave this world without knowing.”

“What happened to pretending everything was okay?” you sighed.

He gave you a tight-lipped smile before placing a hand on your knee to assure you. “Even if I’m not physically beside you, just know that I’ll always be with you, okay? I’ll watch over you and make sure you’re always safe and that you’re happy. So don’t miss me too much. You’ll move on in college and find another guy who can be your best friend or even boyfriend. Someone who actually has the balls to tell you how much they love you. And not just when they’re about to die.”

“No one can replace you, Wooyoung. I don’t even know what I’m going to do this fall when I come back to university and you’re not there anymore.”

“You still have our friends, it’ll be okay. And you’re amazing. I have no doubt you’ll find someone better to be your best friend either.” 

You shook your head no. Because there would never be anyone who could live up to the guy you’ve known for your whole life. The guy you’ve loved your whole life.

It was all too sad to think about.

“We could’ve been a good couple,” you managed to say. “But we were too chicken to say anything.”

“I know. But let’s not think about our regrets anymore. Let’s just make the most of what we have now,” Wooyoung said as he began to lie down again, patting the empty space beside him. “Now tell me, when did you fall for me?” he asked again with a cheeky smile.

You told him what he wanted to hear as you laid in bed with his arms wrapped around you. Wooyoung listened to you ramble about how you liked him before drifting off to sleep to the sound of your voice.

The heat radiating from his body was warm but the contact of his skin against yours rang cold. His embrace was comforting but it did nothing to comfort your mind. You hoped to drift off to dreamland quickly since it was the only place where anything was possible. It was the only place where you and Wooyoung could be frolicking at a beach right now in Hawaii before going for a swim with the dolphins. Then you’d both take a shower together and dine at a fancy restaurant. Lastly, you’d both fall asleep in each other’s arms with the happy promise of the future. Graduating college. Maybe even go to grad school. Land your dream jobs. Get married. Have a family even.

But you couldn’t sleep.

Not when the promised future of the real world plagued your head. There was no future for Wooyoung.

-

You woke up in Wooyoung’s arms. He was already awake and staring at you with fond eyes. A smile stretched across his face. “Good morning, beautiful,” he said, which caused you to scoff. You were sure your hair was a mess, and you probably had crust in your eyes but he still looked at you like you with stars in his eyes. Has he always looked at you this way?

“How long have you been awake?” you asked.

“Just woke up.” 

You tried to make the most of the day as you hung out with Wooyoung and his little brother at the dog park.

It was such a beautiful day outside. You took so many pictures of the three of you. You had prepared a picnic too and made all of Wooyoung’s favorite foods since he didn’t have the energy to stand in the kitchen for long. 

You all sat on a bench to eat and began to talk about the little things like the new K-Drama that was taking the world by storm. You also talked about how Kyungmin just finished the third grade. And for a minute, everything seemed normal. That you were both just two friends who were back home from college, out at the park to hang with family. But then you looked back at Wooyoung and reality crashed down. He was wearing his favorite beanie to cover his bald head. He had gotten weaker and lost even more weight.

Nothing was normal.

But you tried not to think about it.

The three of you were talking about going to the movies tomorrow to watch an animation Kyungmin wanted to see. He was adorable and all smiles as Wooyoung patted his head and kissed him on the forehead. But then something flashed in his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m going to miss you, hyung,” Kyungmin cried, wiping at his own tears. 

Wooyoung cupped Kyungmin’s cheek, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “Aye, why are you crying?” He nagged. “Today is supposed to be a happy day.”

Kyungmin couldn’t hold back his sobs. “I don’t want you to die, hyung.”

“Don’t think about that right now.” Wooyoung pulled him towards his chest. He couldn’t even assure his brother that he wasn’t going to die because he was. 

When you all got back to his house later, Wooyoung tucked Kyungmin into bed for a nap.

Then, the both of you went to his room and for the first time ever, Wooyoung cracked. It was as if the past weeks of pretending everything was okay finally cracked the dam. Tears streamed down his face as he sat on the edge of his bed, looking at you. “I just want to be normal again, Y/N. I hate being sick. I don’t want to die. I want to watch Kyungmin grow into an adult and watch him graduate high school. I want to be there when he gets his first crush and eat more meals with him. I want to be there for him but I can’t.” 

You pulled Wooyoung into your embrace, your hands running up and down his back to comfort him. Wooyoung sobbed in your arms as he told you about all the things he was looking forward to in life. All the stuff he wanted to experience if he only had time. 

“Promise me something?” He asked after a while, and you nodded yes because you’d do anything for Wooyoung if he asked. “When I’m gone. Look after Kyungmin for me. He adores you.”

“Don’t worry, I will,” you assured him. “I adore him too.”

-

As the days went on, you hung out with Wooyoung when you could. He was running low on energy these days which sucked but you understood he needed to rest. Some days, you’d just lie in the dark with him and snuggle while wearing his hoodie. For a while, everything was as great as it could be. 

But then you remembered your friends. And you couldn’t let the thought of your friends go. They would've wanted to see Wooyoung before he passed.

So despite Wooyoung’s wishes, you told your friend group of his fate. 

-

All your friends hung out in your living room while you went to get Wooyoung down the block. The both of you now were walking together back to your house.

The moment you opened the door to your house, all your friends were there with warm smiles. Wooyoung’s eyes widened at the sight of them, not seeming excited to see the people he hung out with 24/7 back at university just last semester. “Did you tell them?” he asked softly as he turned to you.

“Yes. But only because-“

“I told you not to do that.” His voice was calm yet rang out cold.

“I know but they deserve to know, Wooyoung.” 

“Actually, I told everyone,” San interjected as he approached Wooyoung. “We all care about you, man. You can’t just leave without saying anything.” 

It was only partially the truth, but still. San didn’t want Wooyoung to go off on you again.

Wooyoung pulled his beanie down further to cover his brows (or lack thereof) and fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie. “So what? You guys planned a pre-funeral?” 

“What’s up with you dude?” Yeosang asked after seeing Wooyoung’s lack of enthusiasm. “We’re here to see you because we care. We just thought it’d be nice to have some fun and hang out before, you know,” he trailed off, not wanting to be too blunt.

“Yeah, we just missed you,” Seonghwa added.

“You never respond in the group chat anymore,” Mingi reasoned. “We already knew something was wrong, we would’ve found out eventually anyway. You should’ve said something.”

“Yeah. You should’ve told us.” Hongjoong frowned. 

“I can’t believe you knew you were dying and you weren’t going to tell us at all.” Yunho was mad but he tried to suppress it. “Is that really what friends do? Die without telling each other?”

“You’re a terrible friend. It’s as if we mean nothing to you at all,” Jongho said towards Wooyoung, evidently more pissed than the others. 

“Don’t say that,” Seonghwa nudged Jongho but the boy wasn’t apologetic.

The tension in the room was thick.

All of your friends were fixated on Wooyoung who was now breathing heavily. He didn’t bother to say anything before turning his heels, and walking out the front door.

You chased after Wooyoung and reached for his hand to get him to halt. When he turned to you, his face was paler than usual.

“I only told them because I care,” you reasoned. “Your friends care about you too so I don’t get why you’re being like this."

He yanked his hand back. “Why can’t you ever respect my decision? First with the treatment and now this. Do you ever consider how I feel?”

“Of course I do.”

“Well obviously not because if you did, you would’ve just let me die peacefully instead of telling everyone my business.”

“I only told your closest friends, Wooyoung. You’re overreacting. They’re hurting just as much. Imagine how they’d feel when they get the invite to your funeral and they didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye because you didn’t feel like telling them you had cancer. Don't be a coward.”

“You don’t get it, do you? I don’t want them to see me like this.” He took off his beanie and heaved, “I’m fucking bald Y/N, I can barely walk for long and I’m always out of breath. Just look at me,” he pulled up his long sleeve to show his arm that was just skin and bones, marked by a few bruises. “Do you really think I want our friends to see me like this? I’m barely that guy they knew anymore.” 

“You’re still the same guy, Wooyoung. No one’s judging you.” You stared back at him with glossy eyes.

“I might have cancer but I’m not blind. I see it in everyone’s eyes. They all pity me and look at me like I'm a frail puppy. They all feel bad for me but they just don’t say it. So don’t even bother with that bullshit because they are judging me." He didn’t give you a chance to process his words before storming off. 

You didn’t bother to chase after him. He’d get over this eventually. You stood where you were and just watched as he walked farther away from you.

You sighed, about to head back inside your house when your life flashed before your eyes. Wooyoung barely made it past another house before his body dropped to the ground. You ran towards Wooyoung and picked him up him in your arms, shouting for San to call for help.

-

When Wooyoung regained consciousness, you were all at the hospital. His parents and Kyungmin were there too and explained that he fainted from exhaustion. His mom went in first, then his dad and Kyungmin. You visited him next after. There was a lump in your throat as you made your way down the eerie halls.

The moment you stepped into the room, the air in his room caused you to shiver and it made you wonder if Wooyoung was cold too. The first thing you noticed was how Wooyoung was hooked up to a machine with a needle in his arm. He never looked more weak in his life. The reminder that he had about 3 weeks left of life left (if you were lucky) began to set in again. 

“Hey,” Wooyoung began with a half-hearted smile.

“Hi,” you said rather hesitantly. “I thought you left me.”

“Nah, I still have some life left in me,” he joked, causing you to frown.

“I’m sorry, this whole thing is all my fault. I told everyone about your leukemia and that made you stressed which caused you to faint. You were right, I shouldn’t have-“

“It’s okay,” he assured you. “It was mostly because I was dehydrated. Not your fault. Just come here. I want to see you up close.”

You stood beside his bed and he reached for your hand. “You’re cold,” he noted as he felt your arm. “Wear my hoodie, it’s in that bag on the sofa,” he gestured with his head. You looked at him solemnly before going to his bag and grabbing his hoodie to slip on. It was that same gray hoodie he always nagged at you for taking from his closet back at university. The one that was comfortable and soaked up his natural scent well.

“Aren’t you cold too?” you asked.

“I’m fine,” he began. “But I’m sorry for earlier. That fight was dumb. And you were right, I am a coward. So thanks for telling our friends. I just hated seeing everyone look at me as if I’m weak, you know? Even if I am.” His voice came out coarse. 

“I’m sorry too. But I really didn’t mean it when I said you were a coward.”

“It’s okay, I am,” he justified. 

“No you’re not. And no one thinks you’re weak, Wooyoung. You’re the strongest person out of all of us and everyone out there in the waiting room thinks so too. It’s not easy what you’re going through yet you wake up everyday and choose to make the most of it. You’re the bravest person I know.”

He smiled but it was weak. “Are the guys mad at me?”

“Yeah. But they love you so they’re here anyway.”

-

For the next week, Wooyoung was ordered to stay at the hospital so they could monitor him.

You visited him every day with Kyungmin when you could. Some days you even slept on the guest sofa, not wanting to leave his side. You didn’t want to have any more regrets, wanting to make sure he knew how much you loved him with the time he had left.

You had just finished updating Wooyoung on how all your friends would be coming to visit him tomorrow at his house. Wooyoung was getting discharged the next day. Everyone was excited, eager to see him.

It was getting late now though so you decided it was time to go back home and sleep in your own bed. After grabbing your bag, you kissed him on the forehead. “I love you,” you assured him with a heartfelt smile, “I’ll come back tomorrow to get you, okay?”

Wooyoung reached for your hand and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. “I love you too,” he said softly. “You’re the best thing that has ever been mine. Even if we never got the chance to date or become the it-couple on campus. You’re still mine, you got that?”

You nodded, trying your best not to cry. For the past week, you’ve kept it together so well, but when those words left his mouth, your emotions got the best of you. "I can't imagine a world with you gone, Wooyoung."

"Don't cry," he pleaded. "You're ugly when you cry," he said teasingly, which made you laugh as you sniffled.

"You're terrible,” you said through clouded vision.

"And you're beautiful," he said with a genuine smile. "Don't miss me too much when I'm gone, okay? Fall in love with someone else who can actually be there for you but don’t forget me. Whoever your future husband is, he's a lucky man. I don't even know him and I'm jealous of him. But I guess you’ll have to settle though, I doubt anyone you find will be as handsome as me,” he said confidently which made you let out an airy scoff.

"I wish it was you.”

"I know. But you'll find someone better."

"I won't," you shook your head.

"You will."

"I'll always love you.”

"I know. And I'll always love you. Maybe in another life, I'll be healthy and we'll have our happy ending," he said bittersweetly. "Now come on, give me a kiss on the lips," he insisted before puckering his lips.

You giggled before giving him a peck on the lips. Some things never change. Even when he was like this, he was still the same affectionate and needy Wooyoung.

-

Before you went to bed that night, you realized that Wooyoung was the only constant in your life. You hugged the teddy bear he won for you at the carnival and stared at the ceiling. Through out every age, Wooyoung was always there. He was always the sun on your rainy days. The one who held you when you felt like falling. You got emotional as you reminisced on all the times you could’ve been with him if you only confessed your feelings. But now it was too late.

The only thing you could do now was treasure the moments you did have left.

So that’s exactly what you did.

You made a run to CVS the next morning to print out all the pictures of Wooyoung you took the past year. Some prints were for hanging on your wall while some were for the heart locket you bought at a craft store.

When you got home, you cut the small picture of you and Wooyoung that night at the carnival on top of the ferris wheel and placed it into the heart locket. You couldn’t wait to give the matching heart locket to Wooyoung. Right after you finished making it, you got in your car and started to drive. You were on the way to visit Wooyoung at the hospital when you got a call from Kyungmin. You were on the interstate and had to pull over to the left shoulder when you heard his sobs as he told you Wooyoung passed away. 

Your chest tightened.

He was getting discharged today.

His time wasn’t supposed to be up yet.

This wasn’t happening.

But it was.

And there was nothing you could do.

-

All you did was cry.

You weren’t even going to attend his funeral but San had came to your house and dragged you out of bed.

That same morning, you asked Wooyoung's mother for a favor. To place the heart locket with the picture of you two on his embalmed corpse. She knew how much you loved him, even as kids so she carried out your wish.

As hard as it was for you, you just knew it was 10 times harder for Wooyoung’s mother. She had a close relationship with Wooyoung and loved him dearly. Her hair wasn’t even gray yet she had to send away her son. She was so brave though. 

Braver than you.

You saw the pain in her eyes yet she didn’t even shed a tear compared to you.

A part of you should be happy. Wooyoung was no longer suffering. He was at peace now. But you weren’t happy. You were selfish and wanted him to be alive.

For Wooyoung, you pushed those thoughts away.

During the funeral, you placed flowers on top of his coffin and cried in remembrance of the boy you loved.

The whole church was filled with people who loved Wooyoung. They had nothing but good things to say about him. You gave your eulogy too and reminisced on all the memories he gave you and made sure people knew what a kind-hearted person he was.

You missed him so bad.

You couldn’t stop crying that whole night.

-

Before you went back to university, you and San decided to visit Wooyoung’s grave one last time. You both went at night, wanting to be around as little people as possible to mourn and send your prayers.

You and San both hovered over Wooyoung’s grave, six feet above from his bones. 

You kneeled down and placed flowers over the dirt. It still felt weird to be alive when Wooyoung wasn’t. It didn’t feel fair. But the death of a loved one never was.

Wooyoung was still so young.

He had so many hopes and dreams he had hoped to accomplish yet they’d never be fulfilled.

You closed your eyes and held onto the heart locket that was chained around your neck. You held onto the hope that Wooyoung was out there right now, listening.

“Wooyoung, if you’re out there. I miss you.”

The only source of light was from the full moon, illuminating the burial park. You waited for a sign to disrupt the heavy silence but to your dismay, nothing. 

San pulled you into his arms when he noticed a tear in your eyes and comforted you. 

You didn’t know how you’d even go back to university and continue with your life when Wooyoung was gone. Who would be your study buddy now? San didn’t know either. He was devastated because not only was Wooyoung his roommate, but he was also his best friend. And Wooyoung’s belongings were still there in his apartment, still needing to be sorted through. 

The both of you were devastated.

Summers were supposed to be magical for students. 

It was a time for people to relax and come back home to soak in the rays of the Sun and take a break from school. It was supposed to be a time to catch up with old friends and travel. To see the world.

Summers used to be so full of joy and hope. 

Now, summers just marked the day your best friend left you. The way he left this world. 

You closed your eyes again and sent out another silent message to your best friend before leaving.

“I love you, Wooyoung.”

You held onto San’s arm as the both of you walked back to his car. Then out of nowhere, you heard a crisp of the leaves from the wind. From over your shoulder, you heard a faint murmur of the words, “I love you too.” The voice was barely audible. It was muffled too yet it sounded so eerily familiar that it was cruel. For a second, you were certain it had been Wooyoung.

But that was impossible.

“Did you hear that?” you asked San as you turned around to scan the area for any souls. But there was no one else in the cemetery except you two.

“Hear what?” San raised a brow.

“Nothing,” you said dismissively. San shrugged then kept walking but you couldn’t let the thought go. Maybe you were losing your mind but it sounded like Wooyoung. Maybe you were just imagining the sound of his voice. After all, the mind liked to play cruel tricks. And your heart would be the one to pay the price.

-

A/N- peep the Taylor Swift lyric I snuck into the fic :)

[claiestve]

𝐌𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 ꨄ Alex

˜”* ❝𝙄 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙢𝙚, 𝙄'𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮.❞

⎯⎯ ୨ ୧ ⎯⎯

ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ: ꜰɪɴᴀʟ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴡᴇ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅꜱ & ᴛʜᴇ ᴇxɪᴛ

⎯୨⎯ " " ⎯୧⎯

“What do you mean?” 

Honestly, you didn’t know what happened. It seemed like, at that moment, your conscience took over. You still debated whether this was a good decision, but no matter what, you could never change the answer. It wasn’t like a ‘good or bad’ thing, but rather a right or wrong. And which one did this fall under?

“[name]! I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to be considerate of your feelings.”

“You always say that, Alex. You always say your decisions are made to better both of us. It’s like you think you’re my guardian angel or something.”

“I’m not implying that at all.”

That was such a lie and you knew it. Alex always made a point to be the ‘humble’ one who cared for you more than himself. Your friends used to ask you how you found someone so caring like him. It wasn’t a complete facade but it was an exaggeration. 

He could sit in front of your face all day and pretend he was always right. Not a liar just stubborn. 

“What would I do without you?” You mocked his tone, “I didn’t ask for you to be considerate of my feelings, Alex. Lord knows if I wanted that, I wouldn’t ask to talk to you and catch up.”

“Look, it’s clear there’s still animosity and I don’t want to make this tension worse.”

“Alex, there’s no tension. I’m just trying to make myself clear. Now, can you answer to my request?”

He sighed, looking around. You didn’t know exactly what he was looking at or for and you didn’t like that it wasn’t you. Even when you were right in front of him, practically begging for an answer, he didn’t want to give you that attention. 

Often, you thought about it but you never saw it. How different you two were. Sometimes you’d ask yourself where everything went wrong but you knew exactly where it all went wrong. It was sad though, seeing how you went from being so in love to now standing in front of him getting ticked off by every move he makes. 

“That’s… fine. We can catch up,” He cleared his throat, “I am quite interested in what you’ve been up to recently.”

You smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood. It was the least he could do.\

“Great, let’s walk around.” 

You smiled at him. It was partially fake. You weren’t exactly happy at the moment but you weren’t upset either.  

“So, how have you been? Have you been making a name for yourself in The Big Apple?”

“Well… it’s been great. I mean, the projects I’ve had the privilege to work on have been amazing and I’ve been accompanied by so many amazing people too. I miss home a lot though… and you.”

The last words made you stop. You didn’t need to hear them at all. Maybe if this was months ago when you were still thinking about him every night, but you were healed now. There was no longer a desire to see him or know how he was. 

There were days you couldn’t even get out of bed because all you could think about was him. For a while, it felt like he was a resident in your mind. You never thought you’d be okay after the break up so when you were, it gave you a new kind of confidence. However, hearing him say he missed you shattered your heart. Maybe because you lived partly in the dark after him. 

“Um,” He tried to refocus the conversation, “How has being a lawyer been?”

“It’s been good. I can’t talk about much, but even if I could, it wouldn’t sound nearly as interesting as your whole photography thing.”

He nodded, looking at you expectantly. Like he wanted you to comment on him missing you. Possibly wanting a reciprocation. 

“I didn’t know you missed me.”

“It’s hard not to. You were my everything outside of my career. You meant– you mean so much to me so it’s not exactly easy to let go.”

“I get that.”

He scoffed at that. It felt like he was disappointed with your responses because he wasn’t getting proper validation. He wanted you to want him. Alex loved the way you loved him so what happens when you no longer do?

“I mean, [name], c’mon. You can’t act so nonchalant about this. You hear me, right? I’ve been telling you I miss you and all you can say is ‘I get that’.”

“What? Do you want me to tell you that I missed you too? I did but that’s in the past, Alex. That breakup really fucked me up. I wish you knew how bad it actually was. My existence doesn’t revolve around the love we once had for each other.”

“I still love you. I don’t get why you insist on putting us in the past!”

“Because, Alex!” You start to match his tone, getting as loud as him, “You may love me and I promise I love you too, and I always will but I am not in love with you. There’s a difference. I don’t want to relive that pain so yes, we are in the past so I can heal in the present!”

You stop walking and look at him, deep in his eyes. Seeing him nearly beg for you to run back to him made you feel betrayed. 

“I have taken time to heal which is why I thought we could have this conversation but I was clearly wrong. I hope you can do the same, Alex. Trust me, you’ll be so much happier once you leave our relationship in the past.”

You tried to walk away before feeling a firm grip on your wrist. 

“You can’t just walk away, [name]! Why do you choose to walk away from us?”

“Because I’m not choosing ‘us’,” You removed his hand, “I’m choosing myself.”

With that, you walked away as fast as you could. You were eager to get out of that because you knew that nothing good would come out of that conversation. 

Your friend smiled and reached out to embrace you. 

“I’m so proud of you for that.”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

glad we made it this far um yeah! that shit made me mad and i wrote it sooooo yeah but anyways round of applause for the reader

[spade-riddles]

Spade, I'm not trying to be a troll here, I swear. But you said recently how disgusted you would be to see Taylor playing aunt to a Kushner child. But don't you think this whole thing is going to end with Taylor pretending to be stepmom to two Kushner kids? It seems like the only logical outcome.

You said you're following Taylor because you think she's planning something big. But what if she's not? To me, songs like Dear Reader suggest the opposite. That Taylor is choosing her family and her happiness above playing the role people want from her. "Find another guiding light." I think that's addressed to us as much as the Hetlors, and I think the same about the themes of TTPD. Everyone in the fandom is going to have to swallow something they don't like, when it all shakes out. At first that seems to be Matty Healy, then it'll be Karlie (for the Gaylors and the Hetlors) and then for us, it'll be the Kushner association. I think she's been warning all of us she's not our hero, for a long time. But we only hear what we want to hear.

The 🎃 messages end the same way as Fresh Out The Slammer - with Taylor going home to the woman she loves. Making sacrifices for the woman she loves. It's not the story of a grand fight on behalf of something bigger. It's one scared woman fighting for the right to be human and live in peace with her family. People help her in the kitchen, she's not helping them. She walks the plank, but she does it to protect her lover. Not anyone else.

♠️ used to talk about a revolution - but that was years ago, and frankly I just think Taylor's priorities have changed. None of the riddles we've received in recent years seem to be about anything other than the freedom to be with Karlie. For me, I'm okay with that. I'm not saying you have to be too. I guess I'm just wondering how you would feel if a stepmom situation was how this all ended? Would it taint everything for you, or do you think you could still be happy for Taylor on some level, and proud of everything you did here?

Hi Anon, thank you for the thought out ask.

For clarity, I did not use the word 'disgusted'. I also do not believe those are Karlie's kids we see, so I do not believe Taylor will play the auntie or stepmom to 'Kushner' kids. Do we forget how many 'Dad' references Taylor has made? Or how Taylor wore pink, the night Jerk announced the birth of a boy.

I lean toward the two boys we see likely being Jerk's kids with Mikey. See this post for why I feel this way. My guess is that Karlie and Taylor will just keep their children very private, and we will not learn about them for years. In the meantime, Karlie stops posting about the two boys. I am not the only person who thinks they have a daughter.

I am not following Taylor because I think she is doing something big. I am following her because she is a brilliant musician, who I believe to also be a good human. Separately, I also think she is going to do something big/important. I was under the impression around here that people think she is going to burn it all down ... hence the imagery of the Lover house on tour. I would have to re-read the 🎃 messages again to see if that sways me. Regardless, if she sneezes it is big news. So if she does choose to come out, it will be huge.

I do agree that she is doing whatever she can to be with Karlie publicly and privately, and anyone caught in the cross-fire be damned. I have listened to Dear Reader as directed at myself/us, of course, and I believe it has merit. But I also know that I have a lot of emojis who visit this blog, seemingly wanting to keep us on board.

FWIW, if she never comes out that is completely fine. I have never been here chasing that goal. Do we get excited when we see her get loud? Yes. But it is her life to live as she chooses. The recent emoji anons say that she is ready to open the door, and she is not afraid.

If she played the stepmom role to Karlie's kids that the public would think are Kushners ... I would be gone. That would mean a lifetime contract with the Kushners and by association through Jared and Ivanka, the Trumps. It would mean that Ivanka and Jared are Taylor's children's aunt and uncle. How can anyone wrap their head around that idea? Why would a super powerful billionaire woman sign up for that? If she is coming out, why do so under that big of a lie? And, why put that kind of stain on your children? Why would we think she would sign up for that? Remember Karlie showed a turkey baster, and Taylor talked about her buns in the oven. Karlie did not have Jerk's kids. So why would they allow the Kushners to latch onto them for life?

If that is the narrative though, I would regret that I ever spent my time on here, other than for the education I have received over the years about Hollywood PR, and the friendships I have made. I would know I played a small part in her story though, as we have brought in many new Kaylors to support her. But, Taylor raising perceived 'Kushners' would be too much for me.

I would ask people to consider this ... no one on Tumblr calls out the Kushners for their criminality more than I do. If Taylor is pals with him, as some people around here believe, why did she play Paper Rings, seemingly at my request? Also, why did she drag him in I Bet You Think About Me, while also mocking Mikey? Maybe we share similar views of them?

[ken-dom]

Currently thinking about Jacob Palmer x fem reader going through a dry spell becoming more and more desperate for anything that he is willing to do anything to go home with you he’d get down on his knees and beg if you asked

Sorry for taking a billion years anon! Hope you’re still thinking about it 😩 personally, I can’t resist this. This lends itself so perfectly to pathetic Jacob, and I’m a sucker for making them pathetic 😈

What Jacob considers a dry spell wouldn’t be a very long period of time at all. Imagine him going home alone a few nights in a row, having failed at picking someone up. Then it turns into a couple of weeks and he's sad and horny...

NSFW, gn!reader

It’s happened before, it does from time to time, especially at the quieter times of year when the bars aren’t filled with potential matches for him.

But it’s not quiet right now. The bars are bustling, and he’s had plenty of chances. He just hasn’t actually managed to impress a single person he’s tried to chat up for almost a week.

And when going home alone bleeds into the second week, he wonders if he’s lost his charm, or his skill or — whatever that perfect combination of elements is that he’s spent years perfecting and has down to a fine art. Or, he thought he did.

He gives the bars a miss for a couple of nights. Maybe he’s just burnt out? But even his sex toys are boring him now, and the ache between his thighs is becoming unbearable. But he doesn't bother even trying tonight.

Laid in bed, lazily stroking his throbbing cock for the third night in a row, he feels a tear trickle down his cheek.

Enough is enough. Is this what he’s been reduced to? A sad, sobbing mess, jerking off alone on a Friday night?

He can't have that.

And so an hour later, he’s marching into the bar, the one he always starts at, and strides right up to you.

‘Hey,’ he nods, eyeing you. ‘You were here last week. You turned me down, remember?’

This time, he’s taking a more direct approach. He doesn’t have time to waste if he's going to change his luck.

‘Excuse me?’

‘I want you to come home with me,’ he says, plain, and then a little more seductive, 'I... I haven't stopped thinking about you.' It's a lie and you both know it.

‘No, thanks.’

‘A-alright. May I ask why?’ He might as well try and figure it out at the source since he’s dragged himself all the way here.

‘I don’t do one night stands. Not my thing. You seem very…’ your eyes drag up and down his body and he notices the way your lip curls at one side, ‘nice, but, no, thank you.’

They rarely do until they meet me, he thinks, but instead he says, ‘What if we don’t call it that?’

He turns to the bartender and gestures something, and you guess he must come here a lot because the man not only recognises him but immediately begins work on mixing two drinks.

Unfortunately, he’s so hot your general rule of no one night stands suddenly seems a stupid guideline to have placed on yourself. You begin to wonder, what if?

‘What are we supposed to call it then?’ you ask, with a sigh of resignation and a curiosity that slips though just enough to set excitement bubbling in his gut. ‘You won't call me after. I'll never see you again. Or, if I do, you'll pretend you don't know me. What can we call that?’

‘An adventure? Having fun? Whatever you want,’ he says eagerly, leaning in to follow up with a whisper. ‘One thing I can guarantee.’

‘And what would that be?’

‘Orgasms like you’ve never experienced.’ His voice has dropped low, breath hot against your ear, and your core clenches.

You didn't realise one night stands cared about a single orgasm let alone the plural. Fuck. You want him.

‘But I don’t even know your-’

‘Jacob.’ Wow that was too fast.

‘Okay, Jacob. Let’s say I come home with you. Hypothetically. What then?’

He’s never had to play desperate before, but your response to it is making his blood run hot. For the first time in his adult life he’s not sure what to say, dazed by his bodies reaction to you. Is he playing desperate or just plain pathetic? His cock twitches and he grips the edge of the bar, not going unnoticed by you.

The cocktails he ordered are placed on the bar in front of you and you turn to take yours, delighted at the taste. He has good taste. You could tell that a mile off, but feeling it against your tongue hits different.

‘Oh, this is good!’ you exclaim, wondering why he hasn’t picked up his drink. When you turn back, ready to accept his invitation after all, he’s not there.

Well, he is there. Just not where you left him.

He’s knelt at your feet, gazing up at you, and suddenly you understand the true meaning of the phrase puppy dog eyes. And it makes your heart race. You suddenly feel the need to slam him against a wall, strip him bare and watch him tremble.

‘I’ll do whatever you want me too,’ he promises. ‘Give you whatever you need. Thats what’ll happen if you come home with me.’

‘Anything?’ you ask, knees turning weak at how utterly needy he looks down there.

‘Anything.’

‘Let me get my coat.’

[hikari-ni-naritai]

i dont think all fiction should be like this, but like. i do this its important to have fiction that takes its moralising to the extreme end. like inhuman, impossible ends. shin no nakama does this really well, for instance. the clear message is that people have the right to be who they want to be, and nobody should force you to be something you don't want to be or to suffer through things you dont want to do, and none of us are beholden to our nature. and they do this by setting up a girl, god's chosen hero, the only person on earth who can stop a world-ending threat, and having her reject her role to live a quiet life with the people she loves. she doesnt save the world, she doesnt find a replacement, she just walks away. and like on the surface thats selfish and stupid! if someone in real life did that we'd all kill them for it. but the point is that NOBODY in real life could ever do that, because that is not a situation that exists. the situations you're going to be in are gonna be like 'frank from my office is off this week but my wife is in the hospital. i shouldnt skip work since theres no replacement for me today.' thats not your business! its not your responsibility! take care of you and yours before giving half a shit about your boss! and if your mission in creating art is to tell people this, you cant make your stance so flimsy that there's room for debate. it's ALWAYS okay to prioritise yourself and you dont have to live up to the expectations and responsibilities that others force on you. even if youre the only one who can save the world from destruction. because you never will be. you dont need to find the point on the sliding scale where you have to do what someone else is forcing onto you, because its okay to walk away at the furthest possible end of it.

and this is the sort of thing i was talking about with the omelas post. nobody should ever need to feel that their suffering was somehow justified. youre allowed to be upset with the people that hurt you, or the fact that you were hurt in general. even if your suffering made everyone else's life painless and perfect, even if societally your suffering is an objective improvement over every other system, youre allowed to be mad and upset and think its unfair and grieve for yourself. because your suffering will NEVER improve someone else's life like that. and if that kid's justified in being upset, you dont have to pretend like youre fine with your own suffering either.

[crushedstardust]

i have to say something about ochako and izukus interaction in the latest chapter because i feel like a lot of people are hating on her for no reason!

as we know, ochako pretends to be fine, with a smile, and pushes her feelings down. we’ve seen this first at the sports festival, where even after losing and being faced with deku, she stayed smiling until he left. after he left, he heard her crying, so hes also probably aware of this as well. and secondly, during the provisional licence exam, she vowed to push her feelings down.

with this in mind, i think it’s safe to say that she’s likely doing this again. especially after not only finally actually admitting out loud that shes in love with deku, but (seemingly) losing the person she wanted to save. also, in the previous chapter to this one (424) on the last page, we see a pensive ochako, staring off into the distance. to me this solidifies the fact that she’s covering up her true feelings and trying to act as though all is fine.

this is her character!! i’m so tired of people completely glossing over it! we know that she wants to help people smile, from her parents to her friends and even just civilians! so this makes sense. in my opinion, she likely feels like what she went through isn’t worth talking about, especially if it just makes her and others sad.

in this interaction, as the one with todoroki, it seems like deku is trying to have a serious conversation. much like when deku first wanted to thank ochako for her speech at the dorms. however the difference is, when todoroki tells deku not to worry, it’s more because what todoroki is dealing with is something for him and his family to work out. unlike todoroki, ochako changes the subject and seemingly dismisses deku’s concerns, but i feel like it’s more of a rejection of truth. (also they’re in a group setting, so it might be a bit awkward) she doesn’t want to not be okay so she’ll act as if she is. and it isn’t something personal against izuku!!!

edit: just remembered she also puts on this happy face when tsu is speaking with deku, ida, momo, todoroki and kirishima after bakugo’s abduction. despite the serious tone, she makes an attempt to lighten the mood and she puts a big smile on her face and says some hopeful words in an attempt to change the subject. just another example that shows that this is who she is!!

(also how did she almost die but in the hospital she had not one bandage or anything T-T)

[destinedfordiaperstories]

Sammy's Little Problem, Chapter 23

“I-I’m sowwy, Windsay,” Sammy offered meekly through her pacifier, staring up at Lindsay through tear-filled eyes.

“Oh, Sammy, you have nothing to apologize for, okay? Lindsay assured Sammy.

Lindsay smiled down at Sammy, glad she finally calmed down. Wiping Sammy clean as she thrashed about, overwhelmed by the moment, had been exhausting. She was just happy to have her friend back.

“I…I know, Winds. I justh feel so helpwess now and…I don’t know, I justh…,” Sammy trailed off, unable to explain her feelings. She didn’t want to sound ungrateful that Lindsay and Allie had been so generous, so loving to her when she needed it most.

Yet…being so dependent on them for her basic needs made her feel like a burden. They never asked for this. Sammy would never be able to repay or adequately thank them. It was a one-sided relationship.

And that wasn’t even considering her own feelings of inadequacy. Lindsay was supposed to be her best friend, her partner in crime. Now she’s wiping her clean on the changing table.

It wasn’t fair.

Lindsay gazed deep into Sammy’s eyes, hoping to see the cause of Sammy’s anguish. She took a deep breath. “Sammy, I know this is overwhelming. I know how strange it must be to be in this position when your best friend changes your diaper. But you need to understand: I love you. Allie loves you. My parents love you. None of us are doing this because we have to. We want to help you.”

Lindsay pressed on, noticing the tension in Sammy’s body easing. “You’re not helpless, you’re not worthless, and you’re not a baby. I don’t think anything less than you before. You’re still going to be a college student at Stanford! So, I don’t want any more of this pity party, okay?”

“Fank you, Winds, that means a wot! I wuv you too!”

“You’re very welcome, Sammy. Now, let's get this diaper on you and get you ready for bed.”

“B-but, I’m not tiwed, Winds! Please, can I stay up a widdle longer?”

Lindsay pretended to think it ever, knowing it wasn’t Sammy’s bedtime. But if she knew anything about Sammy, she loved getting her way. “Oh, all right! How about we go downstairs and watch a movie?”

“Yay, fank you, Winds!” Sammy squealed in delight.

Lindsay reached down, grabbing a pink nighttime diaper for Sammy. As she fluffed it, Sammy predictably whined, “not a nighttime diaper! Its not bedtime, you said so!”

“Sorry, Sammy. Allie’s orders!”

“…fine,” Sammy grumbled.

Lindsay gawked at the thickness of the diaper in her hand. “Poor thing,” Lindsay thought, “she probably can’t even walk in these things.”

Two minutes later, the massive diaper was taped onto Sammy. Sammy lay there, feeling extra small in her nighttime diaper, completely unable to squeeze her legs together.

Lindsay did her best to hide her smile. Sammy looked so cute with her pink Cinderella diaper bulging out.

“Okay, let’s get you into something more comfortable,” Lindsay suggested, walking over to Sammy’s dresser to grab a onesie.

Sammy panicked when she realized Lindsay must be grabbing a onesie. “No need, Winds, I’m vewy comfortable in this!”

“I’m sure you are, Sammy. But look, this one is so cute!” Lindsay suggested, showing Sammy a cute all-pink onesie.

“N-no fank you,” Sammy retorted.

“Don’t be such a grump, Sammy,” Lindsay said playfully, “let's get this shirt off you.”

Too drained from her meltdown, Sammy sighed and raised her arms, letting Lindsay remove her shirt and slide the onesie on.

“Lift your bum for me, Sammy,” Lindsay cooed, “thank you.” It took some effort, but she eventually snapped the onesie in place. “You ready to head down?”

Sammy tried to shift herself off the table, but the diaper prevented her from swinging her legs.

Acting quickly before Sammy could complain, Lindsay lifted Sammy off the table.

“Fank you, Winds,” Sammy muttered, trying to hide her embarrassment.

“Of course, silly. What movie do you wanna watch,” Lindsay asks, holding out her hand,

Sammy grabs it, face lost in thought. “Ummmm, Coco! Ith the besth Pixthar movie ever!”

“Coco it is!” Lindsay agrees. Sammy reached the stairs, eyeing them tentatively. “Do you need help getting downstairs?”

“I…ummm…yeth, pleath,” Sammy concedes.

“Ok, let's go one step at a time, okay?” Lindsay suggests, helping Sammy down the first step.

By the time they reached the bottom of the stairs, Lindsay was fighting with every ounce of willpower she had not to squeeze Sammy’s cheeks. It was cuteness overload for Lindsay. Sammy’s diaper was so thick she looked identical to an unsteady toddler, slowly and methodically taking each step.

“Why don’t you go put on Coco, Sammy. I’m gonna get us some drinks.”

“Okay!” Sammy squealed, excited for a bit of responsibility.

Lindsay fumbled around the cabinets, searching for Sammy’s sippy cups. She realized, to her dismay, they were all in the dishwasher. There was only one remaining option: the oversized baby bottles staring back at her.

“Well, here goes nothing,” Lindsay thought to herself. In a flash, she had milk warming on the stove. If she was ever going to convince Sammy to use a baby bottle in front of her, it had better taste delicious. She added extra milk, deciding Sammy would be more accepting if Lindsay drank it, too.

Luckily, Lindsay remembered her favorite drink her mom made for her whenever she couldn’t sleep. All she needed to do was add some sugar and vanilla to the milk and voila. Once it was warm, Lindsay filled Sammy’s bottle and put the nipple on before filling her own mug with the sweet-smelling milk.

“Sammy, please don’t freak out,” Lindsay pleaded, walking toward the couch, “but the only clean cup was this baby bottle. I’m sorry, but I promise, it’s no big deal! And I made us both my favorite drink ever!”

For a second, Sammy looks on the verge of a tantrum. But to Lindsay’s surprise, Sammy took the bottle without argument. Lindsay breathed a sigh of relief.

Lindsay sat next to Sammy, who was squirming in anticipation of the movie. It may not have been how she imagined their last summer together before college, but she was relieved to see such an authentic smile on Sammy’s face. She knew Sammy would be okay.

“Play the movie, Linds!” Sammy begged. Five minutes later, Sammy cheerfully drank her bottle of milk, legs swinging happily.

By the time Sammy was halfway done, she helped herself to Lindsay’s lap, staring up at Lindsay as she drank, her eyes growing heavy. Lindsay smiled down at her friend struggling to keep her eyes open.

Sammy fell asleep before she finished the bottle.

Lindsay carried her friend back upstairs, gently lowering Sammy onto the crib. Sammy’s diaper was wet, but not enough to warrant a change—especially when the nighttime diapers could hold significantly more.

“Goodnight, Sammy,” Lindsay whispered to her best friend before closing the door.

Lindsay nearly jumped off the couch when Allie walked in the front door half an hour later.

“Hey, Linds,” Allie smiled, “wasn’t sure you’d be awake. Did you two have fun?”

“Yeah, she fell asleep around 45 minutes ago. She was an angel. Well, except for a small tantrum earlier. But otherwise, it was a great night!”

“Thank you, Linds. I know it’s hard babysitting your best friend, but she’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

“I’d do anything for her, Allie, you know that. Even if it means changing her stinky diapers while she’s in the middle of a tantrum. It’s strange, though. When she messed her diaper and broke down sobbing, I didn’t feel like her best friend at that moment. I felt…”

“Like every part of you needed to help her? As if there was nothing you wanted more than to console her? And you were confused by how natural it felt because you instinctively understood how to help her?”

Lindsay thought for a second. “I…yeah, I guess. How did you know?”

“Because I’m a caregiver too, Lindsay. I’ve been down this road. Sammy isn’t the only one going through changes. You are, too. That won’t be the last time you feel that way towards Sammy. Or other Littles, children, and people in need.”

“Really? I guess I didn’t think I’d feel any different. I don’t know…”

“It’s a bit jarring at first, to be honest. But you’ll get used to it. Besides, if we didn’t change at all, we’d be Neutrals. Of course something had to change.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I probably should’ve actually paid attention in class.”

“Well, you’re not the only one. Nobody paid attention to those classes my year, either. It doesn’t matter, experience is the best teacher anyway. And it’s not like you’re adopting a Little tomorrow anyway.”

“Or ever,” Lindsay laughs, “Sammy is a lot of work!”

“You do realize I also swore to Mom I’d never adopt a Little when I was your age. But here we are. But who knows, not all Caregivers adopt. Mom and Dad didn’t! Caring for Littles isn’t the only way caregivers can feel needed!”

“You’re starting to sound like Mom, you know that? Let me have my fun at college before you start with the caregiver stuff!”

“Okay, okay, Linds, you win. You want to sleep here tonight, or are you okay driving home?”

“I’m fine to drive. Besides, your guest room is now a nursery. I prefer a bed to a couch.”

“I’m sure Sammy wouldn’t mind sharing her crib! You could even try her diapers!”

“Bye, Allie,” Lindsay scoffs, smiling as she walks out the door.

[bitin-and-barkin]

Intertwined Fingers

What would the aftermath of your so called death look like?

Warnings: Arthur Morgan x Reader, Gender neutral reader, he's going a bit insane ngl, implied self harm, dog symbolism, smut, fun fact: Pomade was commonly used as lube in the 1800s, Dom reader, sub Arthur, soft sex (I finally did the soft sex thing), No mentions of your genetalia, you just jerk off Arthur because you wanted to take care of him tonight, sorry probably not what the people were looking for but its fine, weirdly described sex to the point where it's not even porn, just an art piece, more yandere shit in the next part but you can smell the start of it here, overuse of the word Intertwined

READ MORE UNDER THE CUT + Pt 2 to another story, Pt 1 here

--------------------------------------------------------------------

That night in the hotel room, Arthur sheepishly asked if he could stay with you for the night.

You, of course, accepted.

After climbing into bed, he couldn't keep his hands off of you.

Well, he usually can't, always clinging to you like a koala bear. But especially not tonight.

Rubbing his hands up and down your chest. Feeling the grooves in your skin. The curves and marks. Wrapping his arms around you, nuzzling his nose into your neck.

Making sure all of his touches were gentle, as not to cause you pain.

Feeling your stomach rise and fall as you slept peacefully. Hearing your heartbeat.

Still softly sobbing, keeping it quiet so you could sleep, not daring to let go.

He felt like sinking into you in that moment.

For the first time in ages, Arthur slept peacefully. He could sleep for ages with your hands intertwined with his.

When you tried to get up in the morning, he pretended to be asleep so you'd stay with him for longer. When you tried to get up anyways?

He pretty much begged you to stay with him.

You ended up laying in bed for another hour before you finally were able to leave.

While taking you back to camp you told him about the doctors. How you already went to the one in Valentine, but they could only do so much.

He said he was gonna get a doctor to come here and properly check you out again, as he knew one that owed him some favors.

Worries of discreetness be damned.

Once you had gotten back to camp, people stared at you like they were looking at a ghost.

In fact, Sean fainted when he first saw you. They thought you were dead.

You even looked the part.

Hours had passed and it was sundown. Arthur had brought in a doctor named "Alphonse Renaud." By now, he had been in there for hours, Arthur right by his side.

His hands were soaked in blood, helping the doctor deal with everything they did to you.

The sick fucks had put nails in your legs.

Nails.

Your back was ripped to shreds, with some marks looking even like they came from whips.

They were irritated too, and Dr. Renaud guessed that they had poured whiskey into your wounds.

He was wondering how you managed to let him hold you the night before without wincing and whining out in pain.

Just imagining how much pain you must've been in, when he thought that he needed to hold you?

How much pain you must've been in when he was asking you on the ride back home if you felt okay?

He felt like the worst shit on earth.

Alphonse estimated you'd live a lifetime of numbness and pain on certain, scarred parts.

At least you weren't in pain right now.

You were currently passed out from Morphine after Arthur yelled at Swanson to help alleviate your pain, when he heard you whimper as the doctor worked.

He silently cried into his hands next to your bedside after he heard your shallow breaths.

He was scared. So fucking scared.

A 3 days passed, with Arthur watching your every movement like a hawk. He was around you 24/7. All other priorities just seemed to fade into the background.

You were fading in and out of consciousness. Going through fevers and hot flashes, scaring everybody at camp.

Whenever you were awake, you seemed to be in a trance. Muttering about things that weren't there, unable to recognize anybody. Not even your husband.

Arthur hadn't slept in that time either. Afraid that if he looked away for one second, the O'Driscolls would swoop up and take you away from him again.

He didn't even think of letting Kieran near you, your horse, or the tent you were in.

He got antsy when you got home, gaining an even shorter fuse to match. Doing everything to make the place more comfortable for you. Cleaning your bedsheets, changing your bandages. Gently talking to you about his day and asking about yours while you were asleep, that way if you woke up you wouldn't wake up alone.

Hosea insisted he needed rest. But every single time he went to bed, he couldn't sleep. Wracked with anxiety. Knowing you were just 15 feet away, safe and sound in your tent, yet still wondering where you were.

Wondering where his darling was.

He snuck into your tent later that night and sat down next to you. Coming down here just to make sure you were still breathing.

Watching your chest rise, your breaths were still as shallow as ever.

He had just gotten you back and he was already losing you again.

And with his coddling and touching, he had only made it worse.

He'd give anything to go back to the way things were.

Before you went on that shitty sniping job, god, what in fucking hell made Dutch think that was a good idea?

He'd give up all his things. He'd kill every O'Driscoll known to man. He'd break his own legs. He'd trade places with you. He'd kill himself.

Just for you to be okay.

He reached down, tracing his finger against scars that weren't there before.

He started talking softly to your sleeping body,

Saying how later he'll take you to the city and get you anything you want. He'll take you out dancing, or to the saloon, or to one of those new picture shows if you feel up to it.

How later he'll shoot Colm for what he did. Make his death slow, make him feel every ounce of pain you did. Doubled. He'll make Colm beg for mercy, then leave him to rot to death in some shithole.

How later, if that stupid Tahiti dream ever becomes realized, he'll settle down with you. Have a kid or two if you feel like it. As long as he can raise them with you.

Only you. Nobody but you.

How later, he'll build a mansion for you and you'd never have to be afraid of anyone hurting you ever again.

How he's so sorry that you had to come find him.

That you'd kill him if you died.

He heard the bed creak as he nervously chatted on and on.

Felt your fingers intertwining with his.

He turned to you, smiling.

You had awoken, and reached out to him.

He tucked your hair behind your ear.

There you were.

For the first time in a long time you were coherent. Aware. Unafraid.

And for the first time in a long time, you saw him clearly.

He took your hand and raised it to his lips, gently kissing your bruised knuckles. Asking how you felt as he did.

He looked... tired.

There were scrapes on his palms and hands, deep cutting scars. Going up and along his wrists and forearms.

Now that you think about it, when you first saw him again, his sleeves were rolled down.

He never rolled them down.

There were new gashes on his face. Along his lips and jaw. He was starting to look like John.

His cheeks were gaunt, and he had deep eyebags. As if they've been festering for months.

His hair was longer, a bit tangled too.

You're used to him being so broad, and while he still, is he looks almost underweight.

You took your other hand and reached up to his cheek, gently stroking it.

He leaned into your touch. He looked exhausted.

God, What had happened while you were gone?

He was resting his face on your hand as he held your other.

You gripped his jaw and pulled him close, softly placing a kiss on his lips.

And placing his free hand on yours, he returned it.

Bodies intertwining like a jigsaw puzzle.

He tried to pull away, wanting to give you air, but you pulled him even closer.

God, you were gonna be the death of him.

He pushed his hands under your shirt,

with you hastily undoing his belt.

Whispering to you,

"Darling, you're so pretty it hurts."

Pushing you to the bed,

placing kisses on your scars.

You pulled your hand away and placed them on his jeans, groping him through his pants.

His head whipped back, letting out a shaky moan.

Whimpering something unintelligible.

You were toying with his tits through his shirt.

Biting down, leaving hickeys along his neck.

Continuing to grope his dick, making him sport a tent in his pants.

And just looking into his eyes, and he had the look of a kicked puppy.

Just begging for you to properly touch him.

Unzipping his fly, his dick sprung out. Slapping against his stomach.

No wonder he had that look in his eyes. He'd follow you like a dog, and worship you like god. At least, it looked like he wanted to tonight.

You took his dick in your hand, pumping him up and down. Pressing your forehead against his, telling him to just relax, that you wanted to take care of him. Helping him take his shirt off as he whispered "Are you sure?" Asking you if you felt well enough to do this.

His breath hitching, he fumbled to untie his bandana before resorting to just rip the thing off entirely.

Peeling off his shirt just to feel you more. To touch you, as you pulled him close. Asking him to tell you just how much he missed you as pre-cum seeped out of his dick, slicking your palm.

You pulled forward and gently kissed his collarbone, licking your free hand and playing with his chest as you stroked him at a steady pace.

Biting down on his neck, his flesh soft between your teeth.

Only yours though. Only yours.

He slotted his head into your shoulder, and began to mumble, kissing your neck up and down.

Cradling your head in his palm.

Running his fingers across your bones, licking stripes against healed wounds.

To whimper and to whine, just like he did the day before.

Like a dog doing all the tricks it knew.

Fucking like two instruments playing in tune.

His eyes were glossed over, his hot breath puffing like smoke, and his words weren't making any sense anymore.

The sensual turning the sexual into the unintelligible, just repeating over and over,

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

People in camp always talked shit about Arthur, how he was "Van Der Linde's Bitch." His dog, broken in like a wild horse. Obedient, pliable, perfect. But they're giving credit to the wrong man.

It was all you. Only you, Only you.

He arched back on the bed, crying your name as he came. His seed splattering across his stomach, into your hands.

Begging you not to leave him ever again.

Not even once,

Not even once,

Not even once.

Pleasure sparked behind his eyelids like a gunshot.

You hushing him with silent kisses, telling him to quiet down.

Letting him rut and sputter into your hands like putty until he finally came completely undone, and the only noise was his labored breathing, panting.

His hands trailed up your thighs, eager to return the favor. But you gingerly grabbed his palms and brought them up to your lips.

Oh so gently kissing his knuckles, just like he did for you.

His eyes were still red from crying. Months of grief released in a week.

You pulled his face close, kissing him on the cheek.

Pulling him down into bed, slotting your hips in between his.

Sleeping together,

with your hands intertwined.

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Should I keep this story going???

@s: @yyiikes

[aflairforthedramattic]

bedless - chris sturniolo

summary: your mental state is getting worse but chris is there for you.

warnings: mental health struggles. so angst. hurt and comfort. that’s it.

it was silent throughout your apartment. the only noise heard was the soft white noise emanating from your ceiling fan.

you were exhausted. mentally, physically, and emotionally. you don’t remember when you started to feel this way. maybe it’s when you subconsciously decided to stop taking your antidepressants. you don’t know why you stopped; you just forgot to take them one day and never retook them. they were working, though, and maybe some part of you was scared, so you stopped.

you tried to hide it from them, chris and his brothers, and you were doing a good job. from forced smiles to light-hearted conversations and engaging in fun hangouts, you perfected the routine. masking yourself and pretending like everything’s fine when it’s not, your whole world felt like it was crashing and falling apart.

it’s been three days since you last saw or spoken to chris. you knew he had tried to contact you since, but you couldn’t find it in you to respond. so now you lie in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, listening to it hum.

you eventually got up from your spot in bed and relocated to the shower. you hadn’t even bothered to remove your clothes and just stepped in. the water was freezing, practically inducing hypothermia if you stayed in too long, but you couldn’t care less. at least it made you feel something. so you sat on the shower floor, knees to your chest, as you let the water consume you.

chris became worried about you. he messaged and called you multiple times tonight, and all left unanswered. the thought of something terrible happening to you, eating him alive. what if you had gotten kidnapped? or have gotten into an accident of sorts? or even been brutally murdered? his active imagination was running wild now. he had to make sure you were okay.

after forcing matt to drive him to your place. he made his way up your apartment complex and to your door, entering the code on the keypad and unlocking it. as he stepped in, he noticed the disarray your apartment was in. dishes piled up in the sink, trash scattered about your place, and laundry, dirty and clean, piled on the couch. this was so unlike you. he dismissed it, though, and made his way towards your room, knocking at the door before letting himself in.

hoping to find you in bed asleep, he was met with disappointment as you were nowhere to be found. it quickly faded as he heard the shower running and saw the light emitting through the cracks of the bathroom door, indicating that you were in there.

assuming you were showering, he sat on the bed and waited for you to come out. half an hour passed, and you never did.

feeling anxious again, chris went to the bathroom door and spoke.

“ma? you alright in there?” he questioned.

no response.

that was enough to have his heart race. testing, he twisted the knob of the bathroom door, and when it showed zero resistance, he pushed it open.

the sight was heartbreaking. there you were, fully clothed, in the shower, soaked. chris let out a shaky breath and made his way toward you, shutting off the shower and pulling you out, not caring if he got wet in the process.

“shit, you’re freezing.” chris blurt out.

he immediately started stripping you of your damp clothes, and you stood, allowing him. finding fresh clothes to put you in, chris dressed you and led you back into the bedroom. no words were uttered the entire time.

you felt so weak. chris wasn’t supposed to see you like this. he wasn’t supposed to find you in the shower, practically freezing yourself to death. he wasn’t supposed to know. he wasn’t supposed to know you were hurting. but now he did.

you broke down, sobbing as you muttered apologies after apologies to chris, feeling sorry that he had to deal with you.

“i’m sorry, chris,” you hiccuped, trying to speak through the tears.

“for what?” chris asked, feeling confused about what the hell you were apologizing for.

you stayed silent, and chris took that as an answer. he pulled you in an embrace and ran his hands up and down your back, attempting to soothe you.

“you have nothing to be sorry about,” chris whispered in your ear.

you pulled away from his embrace and sat on your bed, speaking. “i’m so tired of everything, chris. i can’t do this anymore. i don’t want to do this anymore.”

chris’s eyes began to tear up, hearing you spill out your guts. hating the way you were hurting and wishing that he could take it all away and do the hurting for you if it meant that he would never hear you utter those phrases ever again.

the bed dipped as chris sat down next to you, “i’m here for you always,” he murmured. “let me help you, please let me help you.”

you looked up at him, making eye contact with him for the first time since he arrived. “okay,” you whispered.

“okay.” he repeated.

“let’s get some rest for now, yeah?” chris spoke again as he started to coax you under the sheets and into his warm embrace.

chris fell asleep first, and you lay on his chest. now, the only thing you could hear was his heartbeat, lulling you to sleep and reminding you that you were going to be okay.

a/n: please tell me yalls thoughts in comments and need some sort of validation. sorry not sorry for the sad shit but if you couldn’t tell i have problems. also this was sort of inspired by the song bedless by pierce the veil so yeah. any ptv fans reading?



[cozymochi]

oh nooo... mochi I have just now realized you've combined my childhood and current hyperfixations and

I don't think I can recover 😬😬 ANYWAY I have too many questions about Tia and her life before and after isekai-ing so here's a few

-granma and lottie characters names?

-gramma based off mama Odie?

-how did Tia react to her first culinary crucible?

-her opinion on Crowley?

-and I don't typically like reading character reactions to yuusonas/MCs/OCs, but I genuinely want to know how Tia interacts with the characters? I love her so much ahhh🤩

adios y gracias mochi!

AAAA yay! Well im gonna see if I can address each of these.

-granma and lottie characters names?

Granma’s name is “Eva Dumarais”, from her father’s side. Tia’s middle name is named after her! Granma prefers to be addressed by her name “Eva” or literally anything else. I was intending on including that in practice, but I didn’t want to confuse anybody.

I actually drew up Tia’s friends for my own self reference over HERE!! (The info is still mostly accurate since posting.) But, the blonde girl (that is, yes, very much an intended allusion to Lottie) is named Lisette. A.K.A “Lizzie.” She was Tia’s longest friend. This is them in an old drawing I don’t remember making.

-gramma based off mama Odie?

Not necessarily, however I can see how that allusion can be made. It’s an easy train of thought to have! So, I’m not opposed to it and if anyone thinks that, that’s totally fine. Then I took her eye out for no reason other than it looked cool.

Pretty much every person from Tia’s home-world doesn’t really show up anyway since they’re just people from Tia’s previous life. Not that they don’t have influence on her, but in the grander scheme they aren’t too significant. So I suppose it doesn’t matter either way! I had a drawing of her not in her sleepy time getup but I may have deleted it on accident. WHOOPS!!

-how did Tia react to her first culinary crucible?

SHE ATE IT UP!!!! Probably the most in her element course she’s taken— but Tia always wants to learn new things so I’m sure she went all in. However, she and Grim are counted as a single student. Take that as you will. Total aside, I feel like I’m the only person who takes that into consideration at all 😭.

-her opinion on Crowley?

She screamed and threw a plush monkey at him when first saw his face. As if the talking cat-like monster wasn’t enough. (Context? Who needs it)

Okay AFTER all the initial shock in being transported, magic, coffins, getting shoved into Ramshackle, being the only girl on the entire campus, and god knows what else (which is a story in itself)—-, Tia finds Crowley to be unreliable and capricious.

Tia is a lot more pressing about trying corner the guy about how to get home and question him, but Crowley will usually weasel out of it or pretend not to hear altogether. (It’s sillier in practice)

Besides, he makes her fix issues at the school and deal with it its students, then regularly blackmails, and guilt trips if she has any refusal, so it’s not exactly positive.

On the other hand, Crowley finds Tia really inflexible (and depending on the day, that can be bothersome), but!! On the bright side that can translate into someone just PERFECT for getting these students in line!

Though, because he intentionally gets under her skin for various reasons, that just makes her wanna prove herself more. So in a weird way, she wants to be recognized as capable to him but also is somewhat aware that she’s probably being strung along.

THERE’S A LOT, I FIND TIA AND CROWLEY VERY FUNNY, I just never actively discussed it or showed it much.

-how Tia interacts with the characters?

Given that there’s 20+ characters there’s no way I can feasibly answer this individually in the detail I would like to without making the longest post ever. Cuz, I do have answers!! Pretty much every base universal status quo is still the same, but. Y’know.

But if someone can imagine a generalized Tiana “base” character starting point, and put her near any of these guys— someone could probably make a feasible guess and be mostly on the money, give or take a few details (cuz there are a few things different overall…). There are characters I didn’t think Tia would gel with, but as she came into her own it sorta fell out of my hands, in a way. Lol.

——

As for not being into how other people’s MCs and the sub-categories and how they respond to characters, I just wanna say… I’m the exact same way. It’s exceeding rare for me to do the same. So don’t worry, I feel you. It’s pretty much why I don’t bring up Tia unless I’m posting a drawing with Grim on it OR if somebody asks first jfjdjdhrub so thank u!!! That just means something resonated enough!!

[ramonag-if]

Incoming super long rant ask because Chapter 9 was so great and I'm in my feelings about complicated families.

Something that caught me off guard in Chapter 9 was how much my opinion of Siduri has sort of dipped thanks to how she's handled the Salyra stuff. Like, I get that she's both grieving one daughter in law and relieved that her daughter has actually been fine but it feels like there were more than a few instances where she came across as straight up insensitive to MC and Belahm and Zikar.

In particular her whole thing about how maybe she had to lose one daughter to find the other seems so awful to say, especially to Belahm and Zikar?? "It's unfortunate that we had to lose the woman you both loved more than anything, and that your newborn will have to grow up without a mother...but on the bright side we get to reunite with the other woman who either shattered your heart by abandoning us (Belahm), forced you to grow up without a mother or extended family after abandoning you (MC), or means less than nothing to you because she was long gone before you came around and you only know her by the grief she caused (Zikar). Maybe it just had to happen that way so we could all be reunited." I get that it might be the mindset she has to cope with the grief but my gods she doesn't need to say it to the grieving son and husband. Between that and her seemingly believing/expecting that MC and Belahm will have to forgive Salyra eventually, trauma be damned, because ~family~ she's suddenly at the bottom of the Extended Family Rankings.

To be clear, I don't mean that as a complaint, I really like that it adds to her character! And even Salyra's since they seem to mirror each other in how they handle these sort of conflict, sort of equalizing their trauma with everyone involved, and then minimizing it all in an effort to move on and 'heal' ASAP. Sort of an 'out of sight, out of mind' approach, even if they're the only ones wearing blindfolds and everyone else is well aware of it. Meanwhile the rest of the Vinia family is more...realistic? Pragmatic? about it and are able to recognizing that pretending everything is okay =/= healing and that its going to take more than that to get over this, if it's even possible, especially for MC who has two decades worth of trauma that ultimately leads back to Salyra and her choices.

Thank you for the long ask! I don't mind ranting. It's what I live for 😅

I'm glad that the way Siduri handled everything was noticed! It's been stated a few times how she's trying to be strong for Belahm and Zikar because they've just lost someone but she neglects her own grief because it's too painful for her. It's easier to try and show everyone what life could be as a big family in the hopes that it makes them happy.

Siduri will have her breaking point. It's just right now, she's in the denial stage of trying to act like everything is fine when it's really not. I think once Zikar and the MC are off in Chapter 10, she'll be forced to tackle the big question of how she feels with everything and Yara's death, without having to put on a brave face all the time.

I'm glad you liked the chapter! Thank you for your support 💖

[nirikeehan]

happy Friday! sending you “Why can't it be beautiful? Why does there gotta be a sacrifice?” for Thalia & Blackwall..

Happy Friday to you too! Okay, so I may have taken this prompt far more literally than I should have. But it asked questions, and I answered.

Sort of a sequel to this, as if that fic wasn't angsty enough.

For @dadrunkwriting

WC: 816

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He has imagined her return a thousand times and a thousand times more. In his mind, her long hair spills down over her shoulders, her garments silky and flowing, nothing he saw her wear in reality. She is swift to embrace him, and he’s just as quick to say damn it all and oblige her. They are the useless fantasies of a troubled man —  an empty omen, signifying nothing.

When it comes true, he can find no joy in it. 

He nearly trips over her exiting his front door. She sits on the narrow stoop, feet on the cobblestones, knees tucked in close to her body to escape the busy foot traffic. Her auburn locks are cut short, curling around her ears and exposing a pale stretch of neck. 

He can’t see her face, but he knows. She could be anyone, dressed in simple traveling leathers and a dark green cloak, but he knows. 

“Thalia,” he says, sternly, almost a reprimand. 

She looks up. She looks older; her face has matured, grown leaner and sharper. When he met her, she was still half a girl, but time has caught up with them both. He sees her noting the grey along his temples, in his beard. They drink each other in the way they used to, but something is different. An unspeakable bleakness dogs her: dark circles under her eyes, a stunned sort of air, tense shoulders. 

“You’re a hard man to track down, Thom Rainier,” she says, forcing a smile. 

He chuckles, because she is lying. He lives in the city where he was born — the very place he had once fought so hard to escape. His mercenary company is one of Markham’s most well-known. Shortly after leaving the city gates, one can see their banner flying over the headquarters. No doubt she stopped in and asked for directions, and one of his clueless lieutenants gave her his home address. 

“For Maker’s sake,” he says, extending a hand, “don’t just sit down there like a little urchin girl.” 

Thalia hesitates, then takes his hand. He pulls her steadily to her feet. Her cloak ruffles, revealing a metal prosthetic on her maimed arm. He tries not to stare, decides not to ask, lest he learn she’s self-conscious about it. 

He finds it difficult to release her. How many years from the last time they’ve seen each other? Five? Six? Since that last day in Orlais, when she said she loved him, despite marrying another man. He’s tried to forget, to bury himself in work, to accept his life as it is. He would not squander the second chance that she gave him, but he could never bring himself to love another. 

He wants to put his fingers on her cheek, trace the line of the tattoo ringing her eye. He wants to press his face to hers, crush her against his body, absorb her whole. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” It comes out as an accusation, and she shrinks, wounded. He has always done that: found her cracks and seeped in, so that she shattered when he froze. She has never done anything but adore him, and for that he punished her viciously. 

“It… it was sort of a coincidence, actually.” Thalia shrugs, drawing the warmth of her hand away. “I couldn’t stay where I was. I thought maybe I’d travel. Haven’t been to the Free Marches in so long…” She trails off, growing distracted by a vendor setting up his cart on a nearby corner. 

He steels himself with a slow inhale. She’s left him then, the Commander. Thom did not believe such a thing possible. It does not feel like a victory. 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “Cullen’s a good man. I truly believe that. I’m sure whatever it is, you two can work it out.”

Thom does not think a flight to her old flame will help the situation any, but he does not say so. He should invite her in, fill her with a warm cup of tea — the morning outside is raw, threatening rain — and send her on her way. He cannot give in to the heady desire that has dogged him for years. It’s not what a good man would do. 

He struggles to articulate this while she stands before him, head bowed, face obscured by her short hair. He still can’t quite grasp that she cut it all off, though without the assistance of two hands, caring for it likely overwhelmed her. Her shoulders tremble, and a sob escapes her, grinding his ruminations to a halt. 

“My lady,” he says, like the old days. She always liked that he remembered his courtesies around her. He takes her gently by the shoulders, dread pumping through his veins. “What’s the matter?” 

“Thom.” Her voice trembles. She lifts her chin, skin glistening from the path her tears have taken. “Cullen’s dead.”