#ive always felt like i wasnt actually related to these people

[swagging-back-to]

so i had... many nightmares. at least five separate ones.

the ones i remember;

for one of them i was near or around my biological father and he was being as disgusting inmy dream as he was in real life while he was dying "hey [deadname] come change my diaper, come change it right now. " then some threats and otherbullshit. i think his wife was sitting next to him, too. i could do nothing but stare down in shock and disgust. i think i said something to him, i dont remember.

my second one took place at my grandmother's. my abuser was sitting in her usual chair judging me with her usual scowl and growls toward me (yes she used to literally growl at me like an animal. an almost 60 year old woman who was being PAID to do this.) it looked like a party of some sort, probably a holiday like christmas. at some point i just snapped and started saying fuck you and fuck all. kicking shit, yelling. insulting, acting batshit crazy. towards the end of it i got really passionate and started yelling in her face that if she doesnt like how i am she should take a good long look at how bad I COULD be and that she needs to change her fucking attitude right now. she agreed, but of course she immediately threw me in prison (st. marys. which also happened irl) and i woke up screaming i hope you die while crying

the last one i remember took place in my old elementary school's gym for an assembly. for some reason there was this man who looks nothing like anyone.in my family... but he looks like me. one thing i want to make very clear is i look like literally no one in my family on my maternal or paternal side. i am the exact opposite in every single aspect.

there was an award ceremony and this man who looked like me and who i regarded as my dead beat dad (which, again, never seen this dude before EVER.) he passed the test and was lining up to recieve his award when i got up and ran to him, gave him a big hug around his large belly (i dont do hugs) and said to him with so much conviction it immediately made me backpeddle in the dream itself "you're my dad and my father, you know? well-- not my *dad* because youve never even spoken to me but you know what i mean" and i think he said something to me... something like hold on a little longer... and then he left and i turned ariund to see my abusers (the people who adopted me) watch with hatred. i woke up screaming again begging my abuser to die.

i woke up screaming and crying every single time, actually. my roommates are usually understanding when it happens once in a while but theyre not too happy with me rn

[midnight---hollow]

Ok i need to yap for a second

I love how well written and thought out the ipc is in honkai star rail. I feel in general we dont always get the best discussions about capitalism and giant corps because said giant corps are usually sponsoring or are creating them most of the time so there is usually bias. I just saw some of the boothill story lore leaks and im not gonna talk about them here cus leaks but it gave me real big appreciation for how the ipc is handled.

Im personally a real big fan of complicated situations in my fictional stories. Ever since mob psycho ive gained a new lens of trying to find sympathy and reason for any situation, keeping my own opinions and preferences while still understanding the other side. I feel star rail has done a great job at show casing the many sides of the ipc even if i for one really dont like the ipc and its my least favorite organization

(I feel i should also say this is an opinion piece and im not informed enough on the real life issues as i would like to be. I just want to yap my opinion out and express why i find joy in this and maybe even come back later with more research to make another post but with references and proof to explain why besides what i remember and like. If i do get anything wrong then please inform me cus i would like to learn more about this and plan to)

|Spoilers for basically all the ipc related things in hsr|

I started out hating them cus i just dont like capitalist corps and they just rubbed me the wrong way. When the arum alley event happen i was originally pissed at it because even though it was confirming my beliefs of “big corp bad” it felt cheap and like almost every other story told by a big corp trying to tell us big corps are bad. Yknow the “look at this obviously in the wrong guy dont be like him, look at him get his comeuppances in the end and ignore how we actually are alot more complicated and worse than this super evil and obvious example”

arum alley then did something i didnt expect. It gave nuance to the story. It started out with that obvious example yes but the next one wasnt that obvious, the next part of the event talked about how some workers feel they wont be able to sustain their lives as independent workers and feel they need to work for the big corps for a safe job and it started getting into the logistics of big corp vs independent business. Yeah we where fighting them but there where reasons and concerns and fears to be given. It wasnt just big corp bad it was “yeah big corp bad but here is why and here is also how its good” and it brings up the questions on what can be done so we dont need to rely on big corp

Topaz and her whole arc is another situation i find interesting. Topaz is a character i dont care to much about to be honest but i think she plays a good role in this whole ipc debacle. To me she feels like she represents someone who used the system because they needed to and made it work and flourished in the system. Her planet was basically unlivable and she lived in a capitalist waste that failed. In comes the ipc and they are almost what her world was but better for they offer to help and save them. All they need to do is sign their lives away to join the ipc and they did and their planet flourished because of it. Topaz herself was able to rise the ranks into being a cornerstone. I think her story shows both the light and dark of the ipc because they saved her planet but they only did it because it benefited them, if they didnt sign their lives away it is very likely topaz and everyone on her planet would have suffocated from the toxins and died. They had no choice but to join the system and its stated in game that topaz’s planet is one of the few that where able to be saved.

That’s probably what i like most about the playable ipc characters, it reminds us that these big corps arent just mustache twirling bad guys, it reminds us there are people there just trying to keep going and some of them are genuinely trying to do right and think what they are doing is right. Again topaz for example, she genuinely believes what she was doing was for the good of belabog. She saw a planet so similar to her own and i think she did what she thought was right and tried to help them (i dont think what she did was right but i can see where she comes from in thinking its right) i also think its showing that when she learned their was a way out for belabog that allowed them to not give their lives away to the ipc she gave in and stopped trying to convince them. She risked her own job security to allow them that right and because she didnt force an entire planet of innocent people who just got out of a horrible situation to sign their souls away (including the children mind you) she got demoted. Im not saying that she deserves a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum esp after she tried killing us, she is a rich, a conerstone, owns an exotic pet that she throws into battle and design her gun after, is a high member of said capitalist big corps, im just saying this is a very nuanced and interesting situation that i like to think about because there are so many thoughts and arguments

The whole belabog vs ipc thing was interesting in general for me because i think it was just such a good concept to bring forth the conversation of the goods and bads of big corps. Technically the ipc does have the right to want their century old debt repaid (ignoring the fact we later learned the robots where never used i think idk the end was confusing ngl) yet also at the same time we as people have a hard time siding with them when belabog didnt even know they where in debt because they where so isolated because of the stellaron and they just got out of the stellaron crisis and are trying to make their world habitable and yknow survive. We cant blame them for being unable to pay a humongous debt when these where the same people who stood in awe as march shower them a photo of their planet that she took while on the express. It creates a situation where yeah technically the giant corp has a right to take that money because its theirs but its still feels so cruel to make them have to cough it up right now with only a few days time. Belabog is basically forced to sign that deal because there is no way they could have payed that off they where doomed the moment topaz set foot on the planet. I remember talking to each of the people in belabog and getting their opinions on the matter and constantly having to rethink my stance because there where so many good points for why they should and so many for why they shouldnt. I can go on and on about this but this bit is already to long.

Aventurine!!! Aventurine aventurine oh where to start. Unlike topaz i actually like aventurine alot he is just such a well written character but we arent here to talk about how amazing him and the games writing is we are here to talk about the capitalist cooperation he is a cog in. Aventurine in a sense has a similar story to topaz but its more cruel and less happy. The ipc didnt save him, the ipc what going to arrest him and its thanks to his luck and a deal with the devil (or in this case a bet with a snake) that he was able to become aventurine.

I havent seen the writen stuff for him in his characters story because i dont have him but i will say from what i saw during the main story, something i question alot is what the ipc did during the avgin genocide. This might be a small tangent but the avgins said they had the support of the ipc. What happened that caused for the entire avgin civilization to be wiped out when they had the help of people with better weapons and armor and equipment. Apart of me is nihilistic enough to think the ipc didnt really care for saving the avgins and might have used the katakans attack as a way to know out the two groups that where causing them the most trouble but at the moment i dont know if theres anything supporting this theory so its just a crack theory

Aventurines spot in penacony is again interesting. Penacony is a prison planet of the ipc, that was taken over and turned into a party paradise thanks to the hamrony, family, and a stellaron. Aventurines goal was supposed to be to put penacony back in the ipcs control and to be honest i cant tell if thats his plan or not because of how crazy and confusing the story was (i loved it) but that being said it is another example how how grey ipc is. It isnt just a big bad corp there are people with lives and in avens case, people trying to gain their freedom with any risks necessary. I also think again the ipcs role in penacony is like belabog, very interesting, just for different reasons.

Penacony is based off America and in this case im assuming the ipc is their Britain. I feel like if you ask most people they would say that the ipc is the only group in penacony they hope fails (minus aventurine again i feel everyone wants aven to succeed even if we want ipc to fall) but i think the family being as grey as they are (basically a cult and also a representation of newer day amarica and its “its us or them” mentality in a way. I can make another yap ses about that lmao) adds an air of mystery and confusion on who we want to succeed since they are on two very different sides of the board so if one wins the other loses. It makes it feel like a fight of two big corps against each other and not really knowing who to support. Do you want to support the capitalist or the cult, pick your poison. We need the rest of penacony for me to go more in-depth on my opinion of ipc here and to rant but i can say its already making me question and argue both sides with what we have seen so far

That was fun for me. I havent ranted on tumblr in a long long time but hsr has been my recent hyperfixation and again boothill makes me crazy. While writing this is made me start to think about how much i wanted to talk about the hidden story of immigration i feel penacony is aso trying to tell. I think penacony is handling so many deep and interesting topics and im very excited for the next update. This has made me hyped to talk about the immigration stuff but i want to do reaserch and gain a proper strong stance besides “thats just my opinion.” I think this is an interesting topic and yapping about it made me want to do more reaserch on the topics of capitalism and big corps cus i hate them but i also think its important to know about it and understand there is more to the issue than just stingy old white rich people. I havent even gotten to jade yet. When we learn more about her imma have some words prob

Srry this was long but anyways cant wait till boothill comes out so i can get him and his light cone

[coconutredbulllover]

Guys i dont even know what i need to be gatekeeping anymore i js scribbled out some stuff that wasnt even that deep just in case…

anyways to 🫠 anon (still high rn and im locking in to respond to u bae 🤣):

LITERALLYLGTT like you just had to be there 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

ive been loosely following paige and azzis basketball stuff since idk like 2020 and then got more into pazzi stuff during like 2022 and my old blog started in like early ish 2023 and i always felt weird speculating abt real people so i would sometimes tag my posts and sometimes not but i still had a bunch of people there talking w me like a little community and everyone knew like if you were gonna be [self admittedly creepy] (be fr now yall its creepy be self aware!) and analyze stuff they post you might as well be doing on tumblr instead of other actually popular sites and everyone knew like jokes are jokes and dont take anything serious but now its like you say one thing and a new fan could just trust it because they dont know any better but ofc you cant explain every little detail to new comers

so yeah the trajectory of tumvlr has been crazy weird for me too i also used to be a lurker before i started my old blog and it was even less than just a few months ago. js a few months afo if you scrolled thru the pazzi tag you would literallt reach the end pretty fast, easy no problem. on my old blog (rip) whenever i wouldnt use the main tags when posting things (again bc i feel uncomfortable openly weird speculating) i used to instead use like alternate tags that were related but not like the players names and then some mutuals did the same thing and we kinda created our own ‘main tags’ (by main tags i mean like yk ‘uconn wbb’ and ‘paige bueckers’ ‘azzi fudd’).

incase this response is hard to follow im kinda tryna respond to ur paragraph chunks in my own paragrpah chunks (if that makes sense ?) like ur third paragraph is beinf repsonded to in this oargraph now. yeah i honeslty thoguht it was rlly wholesome when people wiped the clip off of like everywhere it rlly was js a iykyk thing and i also started seeing people sharing it and using it in edits. like for example i wrote in one of my earlier posts abt having a tiktok where i would psot like small clips (not edits i cant edit for shit) i thoguht were cute or wtvr but then suddenly the acc blew up w new fans in like late 2023 and it was managable then comments started being upright rude or sharing the clip and i was like damn. the final pushinf point before i deleted the acc was i posted a clip and it peaked 5.5 million views like WHATATAATASA????? and i was like conflicted if i should delete the vid bc it was the same content i always posted but it was slightly out of context and ppl ran with it calling a paige a dyke among other things in the comments (plus the ‘the live’ sharers foudn that post too) AND someone dropped mine and a few others tumblrs in the comments so i js ended up deleted everything of the acc including the vid after 7 days of it being up bc tiktok didnt deserve any of it 😭 and i couldnt keep monitoring comments plus i didnt want the out of context clip spreading.

okay next pargraoh!! I KNOW ITS HELLA WEIRD… like why do u suddenly recognize the person im talking abt? i would occasionally mention it to friends or ppl i know like ‘yeah wbb is rlly poppibg off rn cailin clark paige bukers kmaila cardoso etc are really bringing good attention to the game’ so it was like a casual interest they didnt know i was like actuallt into basketball or anything like that but like it was know like “eri watches basketball and ive heard this persons name come outta her mouth before” kinda like u were saying abt your friend saying they never heard the name come out of any elses name but yours. and then it actually blew up and people were genuinely recognizing the names i was talking about like ‘oh i saw that girl you mentioned before on the news’ like whatchu mean u saw them on the news. it all happened so fast 🤣. no offense to your friends idk if theyre like this it just made me think of straight paige fans so i wanna say a little thing abt it even tho its not related to what u said abt ur friends, peoples reactions to straight fans have a weird line drawn like i think that straight fans are perfectly fine saying paige is hot. heres my explanation: i think sexuality is a spectrum you can be completely striaght and find her hot and thats literally normal like you arent attracted to women like THAT but you can appreciate someone good looking and like their energy and be straight like the kinsey or wtvr scale those typa girls are probs like a 2. i always see like the “im gonna hold your hand when i tell you this” comments and i think theyre funny but not everyone is always a straight girl who genuinely might like women, people can be striaght and find masculine traits or jsut the nergy of someone attractive! insane idea ik.

final bit of the yap sesh! no yeah i totally get u i feel like i always gotta be like ‘proving’ that i know so much and that ive been here a long time as weell but its hard while beibg forced to be a gatekeeper. i honestly have the worst memory so i have no clue if the other time you sent a similar ask couldve been me cause its not the first time ive seen asks like this but it it was we rlly did come full circle and thats be pretry cool LMFAO. lastly never appologize for yapping especially when im literallt the D1 yapper 🤣🙂‍↕️.

if yall made it here sprry for typos also i didnt reread anything i wrote so if something is so grammatically wrong it makes no sense send an ask and ill go edit it 😭

final thoguhts to 🫠 anon and a little bit to readers i hope u send more asks bc this was highkey the most entertaining one ive gotten out of all my asks, in a while, like i get them everyday but its js alot of people asking for context on stuff i post or cautious people letting me know i shoudl delte when ive accidentally shared too much that wouldnt sit well with the newbies 😭 so if u wanna have a convo w someone who knows their shit js run wild in the ask ill censor it or use the emoji i rlly miss talking to people who arent part of the new wave (no offense to yall). like on my old blog i had mutuals with same thoughts as mine and then i used to js silent lurk the other blogs accs to keep my blog a little more seperate from the main tags, but i recebtly started interacting with the people whove been the main ppl posting in the main tags on their blogs (like the person whos name i blurred in your ask who was popular and had a now removed content masterlist like i have access to more complete masterlists but yes i do know of that one it was a pretty popular one bc it was easily accessible and they were postinf lives on yt for people sadly now gone into full cordial mode, their rants were pretty entertaining 😭) and some others who are still tryna keep their blogs going (staying more cordial and stuff js like me) but its like a little weird interacting w them even tho we all pre blowup fans bc theyre like a literal established family (LMFAO. please if yall knwo what im talkign abt LMFAOO) so yeah im like a floater blog rn can yall start sending me normal asks so we can try to be a community like old times 🩵 (pls)

okay time to go smoke some more any smokers out there send me asks 😝

[anonzentimes]

In regards to Nagito's voice sounding insincere in English dub; I know it's not the same thing, but as an autistic person Ive had some people mistake me for being sarcastic when I wasnt, especially as a kid. When I was really little I moved from a place where kids had to call every adult "ma'am/sir" to a place no one did that, and teachers complained to my parents that I was "rude and sarcastic" when I was polite and not-sarcastic??? Idk if this makes you feel better, but I guess I have a misunderstanding in common with Nagito.

Honestly, now that you say that the interpretation of Nagito being his honest self but sounding sarcastic so he's misunderstood that way on top of everything else is super tragic, it may hinder a chunk of the audience's understanding, but it's still an amazing way of thinking about it writing wise.

Also dude, wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that?? That sounds so frustrating, from the sound of things it sounds like things have gotten better? I hope so at least? Hope you're doing well!

For me, I struggle more with words and the feeling of helplessness when I'm not being understood. It doesn't happen too often anymore, but I genuinely do remember having meltdowns so bad about literally not knowing a word I needed to express myself when I was a toddler that I screamed so much someone had called the cops thinking I was being abused, which, arguably the COPS showing up made me melt down more LMAO??? I have a small memory of being under a table and hiding away from cops because I was afraid they'd take me away and that my mom called them, when in ACTUALITY it was just the neighbors concerned about me.

All of that to say, yeah, I definitely relate, the feeling of being misunderstood and the helplessness that it brings is so overwhelming, I never had issues with my "tone" necessarily but I've always had issues with my expressions. I'm a lot more expressive than I feel so a lot of the time I can't understand what expression I'm making and it's led to some horrible social interactions where I was making a more intense face than intended.

For some reason, the easiest ways for me to have a mental breakdown is not being able to communicate and two people talking to me with an annoyed tone, so I always felt super empathetic to Nagito in the first chapter upon rewatching it. Everyone yelling at you that you're the murderer? Ganging up on you like that? While you can't communicate or explain yourself truly? Yeah, i'd break too, I think that's genuine, and he's clever enough to use his meltdown to his advantage to attempt to convince them he's the killer. Of course it doesn't work though!

[fyorina]

(uh, this is rlly long im so sorry qwq)

OMG THAT LAST CHAPTER HAD ME FEELING SM CARINA U CANT DO THIS TO ME !!!! LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS IN I HADTA WALK AROUND BC I WAS SO OVERWHELMED I LOVED IT SM !!! N THOSE LAST FEW LINES. DONTDOTHISTOME I S A W THE "BEAST AU COMPLIANT" TAG ON UU IM GONNA SOB MY EYES OUT DURING IT I JUST KNOW !!!

gonna leave some of my fave few lines n my thoughts abt them from this chapter (ok these arent all of em, bc if i put all of em it'd be the whole 50k words of this series SO ITS JUST THIS CHAPTER)

"because how could he possibly belong amongst people who are so unfailingly good that it makes his tainted heart stick out like a sore thumb?"

STOP NO DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEEE throughout the whole fic u perfectly captured his thought process n how he denies his own capacity for change n how he HAS changed from when he was 18 BUT THIS LINE MADE ME TEAR UPPPPPP

"He is so completely and irrevocably in love with you that Dazai doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to live in a world without you. The thought alone makes his skin crawl and his chest cave in."

self-explanatory

“Are you calling me ugly?” 

u gorgeous, gorgeous man ilysm yes you look like a rat but i'll swaddle u up in blankets n clean u up

the whole graveyard scene. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY HELLO

“You were a kid, Osamu. You’re not some incarnate of evil for ending up where you did, you were failed by all of the adults in your life,”

ok nvm crying this hit me like a truck

"Humans cannot live without a heart, so if he’s to give you his, it’s only fair that you give him your own—though realistically, yours has already been his for a long time."

i feel like this mightve been ur fave line, but if it wasnt IT STILL IS MINE BC OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD QWQ

ranpos lil rant was so funny he's literally me frfr

“Yeah… ha, look at us, in jail at the same time! Couple goals, huh?” 

i giggled

PLS READER INVITING EVERYONE JUST TO AVOID GETTING INTERROGATED UMMM RELATABLE LMFAO

these are just some of them BUT JUST IN GENERAL, UR WRITING IS JUST MAGICAL ITS EVERYTHING IVE EVER WANTED TO READ N I LOVELOVELOVEEEE THIS SERIES N ALL UR WORKS (n u /p) SM !!! I CANT WAIT FOR UNREAL UNEARTH, I JUST KNOW IT'LL BE AMAZING !!!

RED HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO APOLOGIZE I LITERALLY ADORE YOU IM GOING TO WEEP OMG

honestly the first scene of dazai’s pov was one of my favs to write because it pisses me off so much whenever he’s excluded from the ada panels in the manga fjsjdjsjjd so i NEEDED the opportunity to hit home that that is his FAMILY idc what asagiri says the ada is that boys family and he deserves it 🥹🤞

UGHHHHH STOP BECAUSE WHENEVER I WRITE CANONZAI ITS SO HARD TO KEEP ON THAT THIN LINE OF HIS INABILITY TO ACCEPT HIS OWN GROWTH WHILE ALSO HAVING HIM ACKNOWLEDGING ODA’S LAST WISH FOR HIM SO I REWROTE SO MANY OF HIS POVS SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WASNT GRASPING IT ALL PROPERLY

the graveyard scene was one of the 3 scenes i started writing for 🥹 i literally was weeping when i finally got to it

AND ALSO THE YOU WERE A KID LINE UGHHHHHHHH BRO when i tell you that’s something that i literally want to scream at him and shake his shoulders like he was FOURTEEN WHEN MORI BROUGHT HIM IN AFTER HIS ATTEMPT !!!!! FOURTEEN !!!!! HE WAS A BABY IT MAKES ME SO SAD WHEN HE FRAMES HIMSELF AS SOME IRREDEEMABLE MONSTER WHEN HE ONLY TURNED OUT THE WAY HE DID BECAUSE HE HAD NO ADULTS IN HIS LIFE SETTING HIM ON THE RIGHT TRACK ugh im gonna weep again i will always be dazai’s #1 defender, i will fight him himself idc he was only a lil baby :’)

oh my god fun fact i actually almost deleted that line about the heart, i don’t even know why like i was rereading it right before i post and i second guessed myself because i was like ‘i don’t think it rlly flows’ but then i decided against removing it because i liked the line in general SO IM WEEPING AGAIB

bro ranpo needs a promotion for real the headaches this man must get because of people not listening to him 💀

HDOSJDJSJDJJD THE COUPLES GOAL LINE WHEN I TELL YOU I SNORTED WRITING IT HELPPPPP I WAS GIGGLING SO HARD

RED ILYSM IM BUNDLING YOU IN THE SOFTEST BLANKETS AND GIVING YOU A FOREHEAD KISS

i’m so excited for unreal unearth like honestly it’s my pride and joy, i’m so pleased with how my beast!dazai characterization has come out so far and i’m hoping everyone else is going to like it too 🥹 if not ill simply die HAHAH JK JK JK no but really i’m so very excited for it

[mejomonster]

Huai Dao: chapter 5. An Yuning has 2 fathers. Chief Mo and Professor An

1 oh i wonder if thats a particular trait template priest thought would be fun to use again (Chief Zhao and Professor Shen as makeshift parents of SID)

2 i always very much appreciate when people of different sexualities are sprinkled in novels. Priest did that in the stories ive read so far. In Modu it was especially nice because well how to say it - in some danmei (and bl and gl and queer novels period) there is the decision to avoid How sexuality and experiencing it in our own Biased society affects our personality and relationship To society.

Think 2Gether thai bl (where sexuality barely factors in regard to value of politics or rights or fears) versus thai bl like Not Me (political activism is tied to human rights the leads have intimate concern with and loved ones friends family lovers affected by) or The Eclipse (where lgbt cafes and mentors are santuaries and the default in the conservative school is to Closet out of fear of danger/punishment/isolation and how the queer kids are more likely to overlap with the schools protestors in part because their identity already makes it Critical they improve their world since they lose more by closeting and remain at risk if the status quo goes unchanged).

Well in modu, luo wenzhou's sexuality actually influences superiors views of him, he lives in a world where his sexuality prevents him from easy dating like Tao Ran or trying to start a family when he does crave that, makes supervisors view him differently and requires he rely on his status as a person with family connections to avoid consequences of discrimination, means how he understands fei dus sexuality and his own biases about fei du being bisexual not gay like him but Also them both being Playboys and therefore luo wenzhou able to empathize with why someone might handle their life that way. Its all shaped by luo wenzhou being gay in a society Like ours. The politics of his existence being treated certain ways by society and therefore Shaping him are present. Its both acknowledged he has a sexuality (gay rather than With an Exception like some old school bl) and also that it influences his relationship to the world (being gay Does affect him socially politically and in relating to other people like straight colleagues vs queer ones) in a way NOT all romance bl care to touch on. Which i understand - romance is an escape or you want it to be an escape sometimes, want to have a story where someone gay isnt treated differently by straight people and isnt isolated by their difference in experience and straight people magically fully relate with zero difficulty or adjustment or consideration to How it is different (including things like universes with gay marriage already and gay majorities in story unlike real life so the straight characters have no commentary to even make regarding a difference in experiejce because discrimination does not exist in this escapism romance or its not something u want to focus on).

Well i like when stories do mention it though, for my preference in enjoying stories, most of the time. Because my life just wasnt like a straight persons. I had fears admitting my first crush, ignorance in figuring out what i even felt, terror at who found out what i figured out about myself, accepting if what i felt could be embraced and why and how much, realizing what id have to do to help myself and people like me to be safe... things some straight people just did not experience (some did! Many kinds of relationship types and people), at least not straight cis people who fit the Hallmark expectation of Ideal romance in how it should work. I dont relate to a character who just never has considered even a little some yhings ive had to be aware of freuqently and navigate. So i appreciate when a story does touch on it, even if its not the focus.

Shout out to In The Dark for this btw. I mean im only 1/6 through the story. But while its mentioned some sexualities realistically how they might actyally get brought up in a workplace, the writing also mentioned overweight women as beautiful. Which i have not run into happening before in like Any other danmei i read or bl i watched (except Maybe not me with Gram flirting with his ex). Also shout out to In The Dark and Huai Dao for having some characters from out of country (fuck it Modu too) which isnt like hyper important, but it does create a sense that these stories take place in a realistic kind of world. Where people do travel, where lives may be lived in more than one area, where you often run into people from other areas eventually who dont have the same one to one frame of the world.

[caterpillarinacave]

"Send me a character" Henry

Three people actually asked for this one (and the first got eaten) so I'm gonna answer them all here.

Just an fyi this post is very long, please excuse grammar, rambling, spelling ect

favorite thing about them

Man, where do I start? 

Not to be sappy, but as far as characters go he means a lot to me. Ive talked about this before, but I was diagnosed as autistic at ten, after really struggling for a long time. As an autistic, traumatized, kid in my specific childhood situation there wasnt anywhere for me to fit in. I really, genuinely meant well, but I meant so well it was just annoying. For all my trying I could not manage a meaningful connection. Naturally, this made me a very lonely child.

 As all lonley children know, when you have no friends you get to make friends with fictional characters, which I had no problem doing. However, I couldnt actually relate to any of the characters. 

 When it comes to character representation in media I really had never seen a character that I related to, autistic or otherwise. “Normal” characters didnt experience the struggles that were such a big part of my life, and characters portrayed as autistic had no personality outside the autism. They were all either robotic or just children. Personally, as someone who is emotional, bright, and very animated, I couldnt relate at all to the stoic, robotic, characters, and I certainly wasnt relating to an oversized toddler. 

(Frankly, one of the reasons I think Henry is such an excellent rep is because CC didnt go in with the intention of making an autistic character, and therefore didnt fall into the pitfalls non-autistic creators usually do. The issues I have with the characters she intended to be autistic arent applicable to Henry, which I do have some theories about, but thats off topic. )

 I could always find characters I could connect to those around me. There were characters like my mom, like my little sister or older brother. I collected books with characters who had the same name as me, I bought stories set in towns like mine, then abandoned them for the same types of towns but twenty years ago so I could pretend that in some point in time, I might have had friends. 

Yes, I spent a lot of time crying in the corner and reading books under my desk. 

   However, when I read TID it was the first time I had ever, in my life, witnessed a character who I found both extremely relatable and incredibly cool. 

An example that tends to stick with me is this scene:

It might just be a random thing, but frankly it was a pretty big deal to me. The misunderstanding of an “obvious social cue”, the pride in thinking you had read the situation right, a person that you care about being mad at you when you were trying to help them, the “why didnt they just say so?” , the awful feeling when everyone else is looped in on a thing that makes no sense? These are things that I experienced daily, now, but more so when I was young. 

 I’d oftend respond in situations thinking I had it right. I could go over my answer with a fine tooth comb, find no issues with it, only to be met with a negative response because I had violated a rule that I didnt know existed.

 Its a terrible feeling. The people around you are so familiar with the “rules” they dont even realise they have them. They never can tell you what made your response inappropriate in this situation, but normal and fine in another. I spent so much time feeling so stupid, because I just cant figure these rules out. 

The characters I watched that suck at socializing sucked because they were rude, they didnt like people, they didnt want to socailze ect ect ect, as opposed to being genuinely, agonizingly confused. Everyone else I saw, everyone I wanted to be like had this talented, this knowledge, that is abosloutley unubtainble. 

 When I first read that scene I finally saw something that understood that feeling. Sure, it wasnt from Henry’s point of view, but it proved the situation that felt like a special torture just for me was something other people experienced. 

The general hostility from the rest of the shadowhunter world was also something I find somewhat… comforting? For me, even as talented, well adjusted, and promising as I may be, the majority of people still treat me with something from dismal to unease to downright cruelty. 

 Just like Henry could make amazing breakthroughs in science and still be snickered at by the rest of the world, I can make the honor roll, win competitions, excel at everything handed to me, and people still snort, poke, and call me stupid because of “basic” things I cant do. Its inevtible, and something I just cant change. 

 This a character that is interesting, talented, valued in society. He has an actual relationship, with someone he loves, who loves him just as much. He has layers outside of the ASD characterics, varied interests. He does get upset with people, he is passionate, good at multiple things, the lsit goes on and on. 

 And when I say this meant the world to little old me, it meant the world. 

For the first time I was seeing a character I related to, and they werent stupid, mean, or alone. 

 At the moment I’m really trying to learn to not hate myself, and to love my life. Some things wont ever change, and people will likely always treat me differently. However, I am trying to teach myself that ASD Its not a bad thing. I’m not flawed, I can be successful, I can have a social life, I can have a relationship, and theres nothing about me to “fix”. Autism isnt a bad word, my diagnoses are not the end of my life, and I am still a full complete person worthy of love and respect. 

Even when I was younger, and wasnt ready or able to find out how to love myself, or work on stop hating my ASD, I still reread TID again and again because of all the characters in the world I probably look up to Henry the most. 

 The thing is, even though its been years since I read those books, Henry is still the character I go back to to remind myself of those things. 

 This was a character that hated themselves just as much as hate myself, but had managed to move past that. He never “fixed” or “got rid of” the things that were difficult, the rest of the world didnt have a “oh we wont be mean” moment. He dealt with the issues ASD presents, moved past the self doubt, and was still the same character at the end of it all. 

 TID introduced the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could love myself, and I could be happy without destroying the things that made me me. And maybe, just maybe I wasnt as alone as I thought. 

 Over the years I’ve had more than my fair share of health issues, been to many specalists, and have spent my fair share of time holding back tears in a doctors office wondering if this is the end of my life. 

And every time I come home I go back to a character from a goofy, vaguely trashy romance novel that came out in the early 2000s and remind myself that my life is worth it. 

2. Least favorite thing about them

Clearly there's not much I dont like, but the things I do dislike stem back to how CC handles him as a character. He's one of those characters you can tell CC isn't super invested in. Theres massive potential in both him and Charlotte, and I wish that CC would just focus on them a little more. 

  There are so many little lines that allude to something much deeper, something that could be explored if Cassie would just do it. Talk about that romance, talk about the disabilities, talk about the way society treats them both, talk about the falling in love, talk about the disabilities, talk about the relationships with the rest of the TID cast, talk about the disabilites, talk about the grief, talk about the guilt, talk about the war, talk about what happend in the family lines, talk about it all. Oh, and talk about the disabilites Cassie. Do it. 

3. favorite line:

Yeah, this is the part that took my so long to write, I had to hunt around to pick just one. So, since I got three asks, you get three lines. 

“Really, how could we have been so stupid?

Well, I’m not surprised about me,” said Henry. “But honestly Charlotte, you ought to have known better.” - Clockwork Prince

“Youre marrying your fathers friend on the council? Which one?” - Clockwork Princess

“That ba-bad man," he finished, with a quick glance at Cecily who rolled her eyes... -Clockwork Princess

4. brOTP

Oh, Magnus Bane definitely. I feel like people gloss over how much they cared about eachother. Magnus was probably the first person to share any of his interests, and the first not Charlotte person who didnt instantly dismiss him. For Magnus that was the first time he had met a shadowhunter who genuinely thought outside the box. Try as he might it seems like shadowhunters just dont like Henry, whereas downworlds think hes the best. 

OTP

Charlotte and Henry. They invented romance. Relationship goals. Would die for them. 

nOTP

Anyone who isnt Charlotte. 

random headcanon

Since this question has been asked three times you all get three headcanns:

My man is tall. And has upperbody strength. A lot of it. He might be about 0% body fat, but hes got muscle.

Several times Henry was sent to find teen Will and retrieve him from his dangerous stupidity. Will’s attempts at defiance where swiftly nixed when Henry just tossed him over his shoulder and left. 

Jessamine is throwing a tantrum because she doesnt want to be out on patrol, and Will throwing a tantrum because he can? Non-issue, hell carry them both to the carriage. Charlotte said be back at midnight, they will be back at midnight, teen angst be damned.

Literally only gets stronger as he gets older.

(All yall with fucked up bodies know the more your legs dont work the more upper body strength you get. Its only logical. If youve got enough upper body strength and someone to hold onto, you can hold yourself basically upright, which works great until whoeverse holding you gets distracted and stops holding you up. Then your going down the USSR in the 90s.

Yeah, Will and his short little attention span were not the best person to hold onto.)

–

The little kids love him. I mean, come on. He has so many glittery things in his pockets. So much to do. Knows fun stories, knows funny words. Funny hair. He lets them fuck around with his pocket watches. Fun chair. Easy to climb all over. Is not talking about the boring things with some of the adults. Gives great gifts. Happy to listen to you talk, actually remembers what you said. Unbothered by everything. Christophers was clinging to him from two years old on. 

–

He has two scars on his side where the automaton had grabbed him during the battle of Cadair Idris. 

 The Silent Brothers were really busy trying ot keep him from, you know, dying, and didnt really get to it. By the time they would have he was sick of them, took the rune and left the scar. To him its just one of many, many random scars. 

8. unpopular opinion

Cassie dropped the ball big time in TLH with him. 

   She did for most of the TID cast, tbh. She really has to mess with characters to make the TLH storyline make sense, and as much as I do love TLH its hard to enjoy when your going “they would not do that”. Its a pretty good example of how Cassie doesnt care about all her characters equally, and is willing to toss them away in favor of the main cast. For example, she keeps Will (and usually Tessa) very in character. With some work she could have done that with the rest of the TID cast, but she really. Doesnt. 

When you look at it from a TID standpoint its very clear how much she cares about each person, and which one she doesnt really give a shit about anymore. Alas, Henry is on the lower end  of that spectrum, along with a bunch of other characters. Hand them over CC ill give them the love they deserve.  

9. song i associate with them

Once again, got a playlist in the works, but one the one that comes to mind is Zoned Out In My Youth by Unlike Pluto. Also Ed Sheeran is a Henry x Charlotte artist. Just listen to Afterglow. 

10. favorite picture of them

How do I even pick. I spent hours picking. This has been the choice of my life. It has also reminded me we need more fanart of him. Someone with talent should get on that.

Anyway, take two, couldnt pick:

(Excuse me??? They are so cute? Peak romance <3<3<3 pretty hair<3 Anyway the flower pin? The ring? The tie tack/clip? Beautiful stunning amazing I love him<3)

[rivetgoth]

I think for me transsexuality is just like. very physical and not very mental, if that makes sense which it probably doesnt. One of the biggest primary things that kept me from being able to actually come out as trans confidently was the terminology that the community was switching over to at the time ie. replacing terms like transsexual with transgender or replacing sex reassignment surgery with gender affirming surgery, replacing ftm with trans man, the prevalence of terms like transmasculine to refer broadly to any afab person who identified with anything broadly considered “masculine,” this would have been back in like 2013 or early 2014 when i first recognized that i was vaguely “not female” but didnt have a full grasp on myself and what i actually wanted yet.

i think so much of the trans community discusses identity and “gender” as this like. mental thing, or even societal thing, this idea or this concept thats intangible and like. thats all fine but i feel like i never necessarily had a relationship to this idea of gender or one’s gender being changed or affirmed by various means. my desire to transition came from a physical discomfort with my body and any desire for differing treatment socially came from the awareness that i was being treated in accordance to my physical body and how people perceived it, when it wasnt the body I wanted at all to begin with. Like. uh. I remember my early questioning as a young teen and preteen usually was stuff like, “if I could just step into a machine and immediately change my sex to male I would but its not worth the trouble of transitioning and having to undergo these big surgeries and hormones” and frequently trying to like, mentally bargain with the universe basically being like “i would HAPPILY be a woman if i could just have a male body.” etc.

in a world where gender didnt exist i would still be trans because i would not be able to live a comfortable fulfilling happy life in the body i was born with, regardless of how we conceptualized gender or identity or pronouns. if i lived in a society where every human being used she/her pronouns and was called girl i wouldnt care abt that but i would still have been literally unable to have healthy relationships with other people until i had my top surgery. i still wouldnt have been able to even jerk off without feeling suicidal until I was on T.

stuff like being misgendered or treated “like a girl” is purely like, the social reminder of my physical self and as ive transitioned further and further towards a body i’m happy with the blow has been lessened to being practically nonexistent, altho i still dont like. want to be called a girl lol i still would like to be perceived as a man in society. i dont feel any attachment to womanhood or being female and i never ever have. i never identified with being a lesbian or a bi woman, i never really had female friends, i always related to male characters and had primarily male friends and looked up to men, i never even really felt like the misogyny i experience/d was the same as the misogyny experienced by peers who identified with womanhood. but i also dont feel like womanhood or manhood or whatever is some complex deep intrinsic thing tied to sex or whatever idk.

i guess like, it harkens back 2 the fact that i feel like being nonbinary or genderqueer or whatever is almost inseparable from transness, even if you are by definition “binary.” I dont actually think nonbinary/binary is a binary lol. i think my identity is so tied to like, my physical body, and my desire to craft my body into something i actually feel comfortable with, to create an exterior that matches what i feel on the inside, my dysphoria manifesting as something similar to phantom limbs or severe dissociation and disconnect, and by EXISTING in society as someone who is transitioning and transsexual thats not going to exist in a binary.... especially as like, a bisexual man, and as someone who has fully decided by choice to keep my vagina and enjoys being penetrated by men and women alike, like that alongside an identity that is contingent on the physical being makes me feel kind of innately “not binary,” even if i dont identify as “nonbinary.”

i dont think sex is binary. i think its something that is very much mutable and changeable and its also not really a real construct, like there are objective realities found in nature of basic expectations of different sexes but theres literally no reason that these things need to be permanent and unchangeable, i feel like i DO relate to the concept of both defying my natal sex as well as changing it, hence the terms like transsexual, ftm, or sex reassignment like, resonating much more than anything 2 do with “gender” which i dont really even feel a connection to. when have trans people ever been fully given the privilege of being perceived as a certain gender? i dont even feel like cis lgb people fully have that privilege. being kinky and gay and trans its like abundantly clear how much of these identities are hinging on cishetero reproduction and the nuclear family and if i dont have access to or the desire to partake in any of that then what does being a man or being a woman even mean?

idk. this is very rambly and i dont necessarily expect it to make sense or for everyone to read it, but its just a lot of thoughts i have about gender and sex and shit. i feel like my identifying as stuff like “a trans man” and sometimes even a man at all feels like... out of.... practicality? because its the best easiest way to convey an innate desire to change and shape my physical self and how i want to be perceived by society. i feel as much “male” as like, the way society perceives male animals lol, like contingent on the preconceived notions of a physical reality that i am actively choosing to manipulate and change. gender isnt something i feel like i have much relationship to, i dont even really relate to like, masculinity or femininity really, as concepts, i dont relate to the term transmasculine for that reason, i wouldnt even call my presentation inherently masculine or feminine, and i think in part that has to do with being goth too, as ive said before goth presentation is genuinely, unironically very different than non-goth gender nonconformity and its literally perceived differently both within the community and at large lol. like i feel like as masculine as someone like nivek ogre or al jourgensen but it feels kinda jarring to realize that they themselves fit the definition of “gnc” by most people’s standards. hm. idk!

i wish i could just look like this

[baelmoder]

it really is a godsend that nobody is here

i've always felt like i lived in a shadow, maybe of some building that nobody else could really see, despite all of them living within it. now i think that building is god, but it is a dead and uncaring god, or it is asleep, and i dont want to awaken it. everything is sunlight, and god is the sun, and sunlight burns me because i am unfit for it. who knows what kind of unholy bullshit is going to come out of that building when i tickle its belly the residents already hate me lets shelf that for a second lol

i left twitter, let's say, more than two years ago. i was on it for a few years? and before that i was basically never actually on social media. there were a few moments where i /tried/ to enter some community or another? like i joined a souncloud mashup server once (the atrium), and i briefly entered a discord for an anime essay channel, but i left and i got kicked out because i was saying ass backwards reactionary logic shit. so the biggest thing i ever did was Be Kae Dotmoe, and what that meant was, plunging blindly into anitwitter, orbiting around the plasuible deniability right wing podcaster losers like Polyphemus, until I found kayfaraday, resident extremely weird christian chiptune artist who at least creatively had the same affect as me, of the sort of nonsensical schizophrenia on which postmodernist ficiton thrives and upon which fascism subsists. nazism, like, relies on genocide to build the pyramids, and relies on people like me to put aliens in its thrusters.

and then i met good people. i met a bunch of lesbian lolicons is the insulting thing to call them. i like women, and i am a girl, and i hate the world of adults so id like to think we were cut from the same cloth? but maybe because i still have something i havent gotten diagnosed, which i doubt because ive met therians, ive met littles, ive met people with adhd and bpd and clinical schizophrenia, people who are plural and shit. but i havent met people like me. they couldnt put up with it. i hurt them a lot. so i had to leave. also i got bored of the nazis when they started being predictable, and also, like, obviously evil and wanting me dead i guess but who doesnt right.

So i left, not for Drama and not for Discourse, but because, like much of my life, i felt like i wasnt welcome and i wasnt making much of it. also? I just couldnt handle it anymore. i grew incredibly jealous, it made me feel physically sick to see people happy. to be themselves, to be with the people they loved. to do things that expressed this happiness about themselves and others, and the things they shared. i lived more than an ocean away. it felt like i never had a chance, and that feeling overwhelmed me. i've always been living under the ocean, but i guess the submarine depressurised? i dont know. im still alive anyway, im here, but its so quiet now. anyway, i was also getting really paranoid, on one hand nobody talked about me so i was going to die alone and never get to be kae, on the other hand the few people who did were surely badmouthing me in places i wasnt invited to. they let me hang around but i was never invited to the parties. i know of this metaphor because i read it in american stories about school children and stuff. i dont relate to it personally because when i was in school i didnt even "get to hand around". the only two people i talked to was a kid with aspergers and a furry. we talked about ytp and mlp. well, the point is, they dont talk to me anymore anyway. i randomly came out to a schoolmate i knew from back then? i helped her out a few times? I printed her musical score, she was in chinese orchestra. i asked for a favour in return, that being a hug. i didnt love her or anything, i just really needed it? and in all that time twitter is basically over anyway. tumblrs still alive, but like. im not Doing A Thing. Im never going to Do A Thing again. im "over it".

i guess what im really getting to, though, is, im trying to figure out what I /Am/ or what Im /For/. like, what is this machine or tool or toy built for. Me and keffie clicked, we hella schizoposted? I wasnt putting it on. i know the nazis are completely disingenous but theres a trace of genuine fun behind all the larping, costumes is fun. but i wasnt even slightly cynical, i was really just.. fully sincerely and desperately myself, all the time. i cant help but be myself, even if myself never works. so like Im SOMETHING, that nervous energy and constant bullshit and rambling sentences and trying to link concepts. and yea? I figured out im a girl? Im like, another one of the million trans girls with a mommy kink who identifies with being a puppy but who still likes cock or whatever. im not denying that im not special, i dont hate to be one of many. but also im a failure, even around these people. i cant live up to them, even if theyre nothing to honour. they hate me, because im marked by something i cant even see. So like, what is that

Why, even when i found an ensemble cast, do i never succeed in contributing to the narrative? to canon or episodic structure? Im like an npc, im a wandering trader,the comic relief, except not very well liked anyway. im like if the doctor told me to see the master clown pagliacci but i was jared leto. i dont fit here. i didnt feel right, when i was in the army. i dont feel right when im working right now, in a medical lab. i couldnt fit in with the girls even when they were closer to me than any other group of people i could classify.

so, really, i think im starting to get sympathetic to machines, to ai. i briefly edated a schizotypal adhd trans girl (lol hi vicky) and she was talking about like, uhhhh, D&G and like, machines. I didnt like Machine because machine + autism to me always sounded very teleological, very speicfically western philosophy and consequently Science as we know it, the modern material physical consensus reality thingamagic with dialectical monism. but im getting it now maybe

Im not built, for being around people, or relevant. I was born, to be put in a plastic box, in the middle of nowhere, with holes on all sides, where, among a nest of scaffolding structures, unlimited paper, plush toys and string, i develop weapons of mass destruction in magic systems that have never existed and will never come to exist. and every once in a while, id be let out, for a walk, or for a treat, and to remember long lost friends, who spin in axes i cannot comprehend in a magic system i cannot understand

[in-my-feels-probably]

Hi! Congrats on 1k!! May I have a romantic house of the dragon match up please? I go by she/her and am bi with no preference, so any gender is fine.

I’m about 5’5, dark blue eyes, medium length hair thats kinda too dark to be dirty blonde but not so dark that its light brown with slightly lighter blonde highlights throughout. Ive been told I typically wear what would be considered 90s type of style but leaning away from more feminine things tho I’m not opposed to dresses and all. 

I do get pretty anxious when thrown in certain situations rather that be talking to a group of people or just one person. But on occasion and definitely when I get to know someone I never stop talking. I am a ranter and rambler which means I could be ranting about something that happened and then start talking about something else that may or may not be related to the original subject. Basically I will always find something to talk about though I do enjoy listening to other people talk. I am considered the mom friend because I tend to be the most logical. Im also a very determined, stubborn person who usually is kinda pessimistic but still has a huge imagination. And despite all the anxiety I am usually a relatively confident person and am not afraid to take up for anyone I care about. Also I am pretty good in school despite having a kinda bad memory. Also an INTJ, Sagittarius, and Ravenclaw. 

I absolutely love writing and have for the longest time rather that be random original stories I make up or the various fanfics I have(lol). I also love drawing and painting and recently realized I’m actually pretty good at making art related to animals and the occasional landscape. I’ve also been a big music fan since I was a kid, I honestly dont know what I would do without it. I also really enjoy reading when I get the chance, like I could spend hours getting consumed by whatever I’m reading. Which also travels into me when I’m watching things. As in I spend a good bit of time just binge watching new or old shows. I also really like walking around and enjoying nature. Theres a few nature trails I love going on and would go to the zoo every weekend if I had the chance. Which also goes along to my love for animals. Also I do like going to random places with my friends. 

And thats about all I can think of to say, hope it wasnt too much lol. But anyways, thanks in advance :)

hi!

thank you for participating :)

since you have no gender preference, i’ll tell you out of both the girls and the boys who i ship you with, but i’ll do the full thing for who i think you’re better suited for.

i ship you with daemon and alicent! but i’m gonna go with daemon, hope that’s alright :)

i think daemon would find you really endearing when talking to you. he’d love listening to you ramble about random things, and he’d love it even more when he could fluster you. i don’t think he’d ever purposefully embarrass you, but he’d definitely have his fun. you’re still capable of carrying on banter, which i think he would appreciate. it wouldn’t really matter to him what you were talking about, he just likes hearing you talk. but knowing how stubborn you are, he’d definitely try and push your buttons a bit to get a rise out of you. when it comes to you, you have a lot of bark, but also a little bite. daemon would never feel like he needs to protect you, at least verbally, although he’d step in if he felt like he has to. but he’d probably be more entertained watching you defend yourself with a proud smirk.

i would consider daemon to be a reader. i don’t think he necessarily cares about academics, but he knows the importance of knowing his history and his legacies. for some reason, i think he would be very artistically inclined, but he’d just never put any effort into it. he’d appreciate your drive and ambition, always making it a point to praise you when you completed a project. he’s probably a casual reader, and would definitely be able to keep up with a conversation about whatever book it was you were reading that he had already read.

i do think daemon is an animal person. he’d get sick of people bothering him all day, and would much rather be in the company of animals. at least animals can’t speak. but he’d also really enjoy you, especially if you were alone. you’d be one of the few people who’d never bother him, and he’d never find himself getting annoyed by your presence. he just likes listening to you talk, and feels a connection with you beyond just your mutual interests. i think caraxes would be able to sense how much daemon liked you, and daemon would feel comfortable enough bringing you to see him.

when court got too tedious, he’d come and find you, offering his hand to you.

you’d raise a brow, but let him take your hand anyways. “too much time at court, my prince?”

“far too much,” he’d smirk, leading you to the dragon pits. “i miss the skies.”

“you didn’t miss me?” you’d muse, and his grin would widen.

“you know i did, my lady. you don’t need to have me admit that.”

“i know,” you’d smile, taking the lead. “i just like hearing you say it.”

he’d roll his eyes, although he’d still be grinning. “i’m beginning to regret bringing you. perhaps caraxes will be more excited to see you than me.”

“i certainly hope so,” you’d say, not missing how daemon squeezed your hand as he led you into the pit.

—

thanks again for participating :)

[imjustcoping]

21/10/22

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary.  A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing.  she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns.  Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face.  After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that.  and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are.  Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history.  i fucking hate it.  I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy.  In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good.  but S just ignored it.  I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens.  after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books.  Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up.  so i do teh test and  get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism.  But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to  be continued for when i wasnt late for school.  when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it.  She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that.  It felt liek shit.  becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.  

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else.  Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me.  i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat.  she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning.  I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in.  And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her.  she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong.  She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.  

I had fully supported her, when she claimed she had adhd, i believed her and did my won research, sending her videos which are supposed to help learning in a nuerotypical classroom easier.  and all she does is tell me that those tests arent reliable.  AT LEAST I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME TESTS INSTEAD OF PROPERLY SELF DIAGNOSING FOR YEARS AND BRAGGING ABOUT ADHD AND USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO INTERRUPT AND IGNORE PEOPLE.AND T

[freakkisser]

general self ship lore with cove and felix!

our anniversary of when we started dating is feb 14, 2021! cove was 14 and i was 15! it was a traditional valentines day confession, but i was the one to confess!

we both have a horrible sweet tooth. i enabled cove though because he grew up in a household that barely ever had sweets and i grew up in a house that ALWAYS had sweets, so ive always enabled him to eat more sweets.

ive always been really touchy, even before either of us realized our crush on each other, so sometimes id go in for a hug or hold coves hand and it would manage to fluster us both!

we hang out on the hill behind jamie’s house pretty often, which leads to them sneakily taking pictures of us or coming out to “catch us” when were out there together.

cove is more of a sporty outdoorsy guy where i would much rather spend time inside. but over our years together cove has managed to make me enjoy beimg outside a little bit more.

adding onto that last point, i was afraid of the sea before cove convinced me to like it a little more. ive always been fascinated by the sea but actually going in was a big no for me, the thought was super scary. cove never pushed it, but was never afraid to say how much he loved the ocean and how he wouldnt halt his watter activities if i wasnt coming in. it was always playful and even when i still refused to go in the water he made sure i still had a good time on land. i know he was super happy when i finally decided to get in the ocean though.

we’re both so anxious about life and things changing, and we’ve always been super uncertain especially now that we’re both getting older, but something that is know has been a comfort to both of us is that we arent going anywhere. we’ve stuck by each other this long we’re not gonna lose each other now. knowing that we will be a constant in each others lives makes both of us feel better about things changing. because yk, well always change together.

not main lore related but i have many au’s for me and cove. may make a separate post for those in the future, they’re normally slightly divergent from our actual life together so not too much of a change just a bit.

cove was the first person i told about being trans. he was the first person i felt comfortable opening up to about it and he was supper supportive and was there with me when i told my mom and other people we both knew.

[kqrmen1]

7, 8, and 14 for the pride ask game

thank you for the ask!!

7 - "are you the 'token' queer person in your family?"

nope! quite the opposite, actually lol. i have two fathers and a mother. my dad and my pops are married to each other and are gay, and my twin brother is aroace. my step brother is also queer. my dad is also a little gender queer, although he doesnt put a label on it (in his words, as long as he is my dad he doesnt care what people see him as) so no, ive never felt like the "token" queer person in my family haha

8 - "describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender."

my gender is like clouds i feel like. like if i had to describe my gender i would say fluffy and lightweight.

14 - "how do you think other factors like neurodivergency or upbringing have impacted your identity?"

well, like i said i grew up with gay parents, and we would go to pride. ive been to pride every year of my life (barring the 2 years it was shut down due to covid) so ive always been around queer stuff even if it wasnt always explained to me. so i feel like that gave me the security and the language to kind of explore my gender without feeling i had to get it right on the first go around. i also feel like my neurodivergency, being adhd and growing up with multiple autistic family members, has impacted the way i see gender as a concept. like the labels for male and female have always been kinda redundant to me, like ive never understood why in media it was like "guys cant do this because girls do it" or vice versa. cus in my mind theres never been a reason to put labels like that on activities and stuff.

[cacacita]

i ate today after six days of not eating bc i felt like my chest was too tight to breathe and my mom freaked out and tried to figure out what was wrong with me until i finally shared with her and she got super. serious. which ive only seen her do like 4 times ever in my life. but i told her everything after my body calmed down with a few bites and some time. she say and watched me. but i just couldnt bite my tongue anymore.

i told her how much everything appearance and weight related she and dad ever enforced on me deeply affected me so much that id grown to hate myself. hate myself so much that i wished id get hit by a car and forced into a coma to lose weight or how i fantasize daily about cutting off my arms or getting surgery after surgery done. how i starved myself through so many years and my body never lost the weight and i could see her disappointment that id never be like her in her prime. how when she bought smaller clothes for me to lose weight to fit into that it was the worst blow to pride i ever experienced. how when she locked cabinets i would eat paper and cardboard because i was so hungry. how the day she told me "dont worry mimi, inside you is a skinny girl. she just needs to come out, and youll really be yourself" is marked as the day i knew id never be enough for her or myself. id always hate myself. i lost the battle for self acceptance let alone self love long ago and i will never feel worthy of anyones approval.

for the first time ever she completely listened. no jokes. no distractions. no looking at her phone mid vent. no forgetting. no need to repeat myself. she listened to me. and she started to cry which surprised me because she is not an emotionally reactive person. she never cries. shes never serious. but she told me after a minute that she was so sorry. she kept shaking her head saying sorry and i really think she meant it. i dont think she knew how much pain she and my dad caused. she just kept saying like, we never wanted you or jt to hate yourselves, you were never ugly, you were always beautiful the way you were but youre right, we didnt treat you two like that was true. and now this is reality. fuck. it was heavy and emotional and seeing my unserious mom like this, finally listening to me, finally understanding this . fuck if i didnt need to hear that. but it got crazier. she told me that i needed to get help (not a first time shes said that) but she added that things will only get worse if i keep this up. i asked well im fat so like what would actually happen. she was like (im paraphrasing here from memory) "your heart health will always be affected by this. i know because i did this too. because of MY mom trying to control ME. AND the industry i worked in. i wasnt skinny because i walked every day. i was skinny because i didnt eat either. thats how i got to be a model. and it was miserable "

it never fucking occurred to me that my mom was or could have been a victim too. it never occured in my mind that the same pressures to be perfect and beautiful were put on her and she was just doing what she knew, just in a different, more digestible way, thinking that if i was skinny somehow through diets or outside control that i wouldnt be subject to the same misery, but it ended up doing the same thing. she realized she repeated the cycle she wanted to destroy and my dad was absolutely no help either. she really, really unpacked that in front of me and yeah today was super emotional

but it was good. i feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders, and for the first time in a long time, i trust my mom. not that she wasnt dependable ever bc she was always there for me in other ways, but i felt like for the first time ever she SAW me. she HEARD me. neither of us are empathetic people but we really empathized with each other. i think today was a huge milestone in my mom and i moving forward in the right direction. my anxiety around eating is not CURED by any means because thats from deeply internalized stuff that one conversation cant get rid of but. i have real support at home for it. my mom isnt belittling me not eating, shes taking it seriously. shes grown a lot these last few years after her own intensive therapy and she has made a real effort to be better to me and jt. i feel exhausted but relieved and ... healed. not at all completely or anything but everything clicked and i feel like. the resentment i had for my mom just evaporated. i knew a lot about her past but i didnt know she also was conditioned into having an ed from her own mother. and like. i get it now. i get her now and she gets me. im abt to cry typing this but i needed today. i wish i had a day off to decompress after this but ill just sleep early ig

[nonbinaryspacegoo]

so anyway i finally got around to looking up the clips of travis mcelroy playing among us that people are big mad about and i gotta say

its not that deep bro

as a certified neurodivergent its like yeah it be like that sometimes and while you should try to keep a handle on it because it really isnt pleasant for other people sometimes your adhd brain is racing around and bouncing off the walls and you act a lil obnoxious without realising

and look i dont know the man but from my own experience and the experiences of a lot of my neurodivergent friends? those kinds of outbursts of being completely caught up in your own little world are almost always quickly followed by a hard crash of realising you were being annoying and then feeling like absolute shit and wanting to just curl up in a hole and never come back out

was he being pretty obnoxious? yeah. but like. its not that deep bro. it really isnt.

people saying that hes only tolerable when he has his brothers as a buffer really hits on my, and like a LOT of neurodivergent people i know, 's insecurities

like i have friends that help me manage some of my less digestible symptoms so i dont annoy or overwhelm people and its a legitimate debilitating fear that i might only be tolerable with them around and a lot of the comments ive seen regarding how hes behaved during that stream really just straight up gave me really upsetting flashbacks to how people treated me before i had a better handle on my symptoms. now you might read that and say "oh but that was when you were a kid, travis is pushing 40" but the thing is i still have those episodes where im too hyper and push a bad or mediocre joke to far and too hard or am just generally too caught up in what i was excited about to consider other people, or when i was trying to express how i felt about something that hurt my feelings in the moment without properly analysing if maybe i just needed to take a step back from my emotions and be ok with other peoples jokes or whatever.

idk i was kind of dreading checking out what people were mad about but having watched it im just

it seems completely understandable from my perspective. not saying he shouldnt have taken a minute to sort himself out, or that he wasnt being annoying or unreasonable, but it just seemed like a fairly normal issue that neurodivergent people have. it just be like that sometimes, yknow?

and again it just sort of reinforces, to me, that a lot of people really will advocate for neurodivergent people but then turn around and behave indistinguishably from an ableist bully when a neurodivergent person presents or has a moment when an aspect of their neurodivergence isnt digestible and either pleasant or negligible for the people around them, when their symptoms are too loud or make people uncomfortable or overstep someones comfort zone

and look.

this isnt a "boo hoo poor travis" thing or whatever, while i enjoy a lot of his content and relate to a lot of the struggles he is quite public about, i make an effort not to form too strong a bond with people i dont know personally. travis will most likely be fine, hes a grown man whos financially very secure and has a strong support network.

my issue isnt people dunking on a minor celebrity, my issue is the effects it has on people who share his struggles. i know that it hurts me personally to see comments on how he shouldnt try to publicly interact with people or how his, lets admit it, fairly minor and harmless outbursts of inconsiderate or strange behaviour indicate he is actually a Bad Person, and i genuinely believe that it hurts other neurodivergent people as it reinforces attitudes that do real harm.

idk i just

it reminds me that its very easy to be supportive of neurodivergent people when theyre being funny and relatable and charming, but that a lot of allies are more than happy to turn on us as soon as we're not palatable. as soon as we fail to be perfectly accommodating and easy to be around.

i guess if i had to say something to the people making sport of dunking on him at the moment itd be

remember that neurodivergent and mentally ill people are watching and theyll remember how you behaved when you say youre an ally

this post is ok to reblog but i am not taking constructive criticism thank you

[itscoldinwonderland]

indoctrination? ive been following you for a long time and i was an antisjw/feminist too im not anymore either. i never felt like i was indoctrinated into it.

I think that's valid but my experience is my own.

The group I associated with is the one that screamed about "facts" and "logic" and yet it definitely felt like I was just supposed to accept certain things if they were said by the right people or in the right way and I wasnt supposed to question the group of people I associated with.

There was no drive to think critically about other people's positions and how they related to their other thoughts and beliefs. That means if someone was a literal Nazi, we'd still reblog them as long as they made a "good point". Something something broken clock. - of course not everyone was like this and maybe not with Nazis, but it definitely happened and was common to see posts floating around by shit people because they said one ""good"" thing.

Radicalization. It was REALLY easy to be radicalized and I mean really. Literally the only thing preventing me from being radicalized was my marginalized identity. But every so often I felt like I was sinking a little bit deeper.

Let me explain.. I started out watching a lot of anti sjw videos, ya know you got your Blaire White and your shoeonhead and your repzion and whatever whatever.. but then it was Ben Shapiro and Prager U.. and then it was Lauren Southern and Paul Joseph Watson. Some of this I blame on youtubes algorithm.

And just in case ya don't know... Lauren Southern is a literal white nationalist no matter how much she denies it. Paul Joseph Watson on the other hand is a big conspiracy theorist who is associated with Alex Jones. I watched them VERY frequently! And I tried to convince myself that I was just interested in their veiws, ya know that I just wanted to understand but I'd get a little more okay with their bigotry everytime I watched their videos. THAT IS RADICALIZATION. WHEN THE HATRED KEEPS SOUNDING A LITTLE LESS BAD.

Then I would log on to this awful site and I'd be bombarded with the same talking points. The antisjw group was full of the far right because anything that can paint social justice as bad is good for people who don't want social justice. It was inescapable but it wasn't like self identified Nazis screaming they hate Jews, it was always framed in a digestible matter and when it wasn't it was "just a joke/meme". Because that's how radicalization works.

I always excused jokes, even if they rubbed me the wrong way. Have you ever heard of Stonetoss? Maybe not but you might have seen his comics especially if you were involved with the antisjw groups. Well he's an actual Nazi and I mean, white nationalist, Jew hating, Nazi. And yet his comics would get shared around because they'd be antisjw comics. But that's how they get you, it starts with antisjw comics and then you're see a comic that says Jews are evil. Sadly his comics still get shared around probably by unknowing people but that makes it more scary because we were unknwoing too!

I never argued with anyone on the far right about the far right and I never saw anyone do it because if they weren't us, they were at least our allies. I think a lot of antisjws would make excuses (see:broken clock) or they would outright ignore the radicals. But a lot of antisjws were centrist and moderates who wanted to find the middle ground, which ultimately turned into exusing the far right and critizing the far left.

I was young. I was 16! Some of the antisjws in my circles, especially the ones who were far right, were much older than me! That alone made it feel like it was okay. I was a kid I didn't know better.

I have a lot of thoughts about all this and so my thoughts are all over the place I'm sorry. I feel horrible for the way I use to think and the people I associated with and the things I would promote and the things I would excuse. It was unacceptable.