#ive thought about this a Lot but not settled on any specific thing

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

one other thing ive been playing around with. and this is me just tossing it out into the ether. and i may have done so before now and forgot but. taz au where ingo is taako and emmet is lup. and elesa is barry maybe.

[littlemisssatanist]

on the topic of alicent's sexuality

ok ok so this is a little late but if im going to be honest, ive completely lost any interest in hotd when the first episode came out and its taken a little bit to get back into it. i already mentioned this in a twitter gc when the first alicole leaks came out but i wanted to put it into better words for tumblr.

foreword: i am a lesbian.

a lot of people on twitter, specifically rhaenicents, were up in arms about the alicole leaks because they couldnt understand the idea that alicent isnt a lesbian. now, i understand having a headcanon and it being disproven by canon. i understand the struggles rhaenicents went through against daemyras when the first season came out, because i was a rhaenicent also. im not a rhaenicent anymore (id call myself more interested in alicole, but im still a multishipper).

however, the idea that theres no way in hell alicent could ever be bisexual really rubs me the wrong way. i wont even get into all the undercover biphobia that had been going on on twitter when these leaks first came out, but the fact that a woman fucking a man suddenly means theres no way she could ever be queer speaks volumes about how the larger hotd fandom views the bisexual community. this is already a very large and ongoing problem within the community, the fight against homophobes and biphobes that you 'have to choose a side' and that if you have a straight-passing relationship automatically means you are straight. the idea that alicent can only be a lesbian or straight pushes this bad notion further.

now, lets get into why rhaenicents are so desperate to have alicent be a lesbian. i get it. you want lgbt representation in mainstream media, i do too. i want to see myself represented in media, i place headcanons about many characters sexualities all the time. the difference is that i understand the difference between headcanon and canon. imo, many rhaenicents desperately want lesbian alicent to be a canon thing, instead of settling for headcanons and fanfiction and fanon. i understand that too. i understand the want to have canon lesbian representation; however they have to come to the realization that hotd was never meant to be lgbt representation. laenor's storyline was included because it was in the original book, and it was stated outright that he was gay. rhaenicent was always the make of the show, it was never stated to be canon in either show OR book, and thats why it will never be canon.

im not saying that to be mean. im saying that because thats how it is. hotd is not supposed to be lgbt representation, its meant to be an adaptation of fire and blood (and i have my own thoughts about how well thats going, but thats not the point of this post).

its ok for things to be headcanons. in 2023, the most popular ship on ao3 was steddie (steve harrington/eddie munson) from stranger things. is it canon? no!!! its the most popular ship because people like seeing gay people in media, regardless of whether theyre canon or not. sasunaru is the most popular ship in naruto, and theyre not canon either! they know its ok for things not to be canon; thats why fanon exists in the first place. i think rhaenicents should get used to this. this is what fandom is like. im not sure what else to tell you about that.

theres a particular argument of rhaenicents i want to talk about. 'alicents struggles in the show reflect the struggles of lesbians and comphet in the modern world.' now. as a lesbian who has struggled with comphet in the past, this argument actually annoys me a lot. alicents struggles (being forced into a marriage she didnt want, forced to have children she didnt want) stem from the fact that she is a woman in westerosi society, not because she is a lesbian.

and sure! you can headcanon that alicent is a lesbian with comphet, but the problem is that: we dont have enough insight into alicents head to be able to tell the difference between comphet and misogyny. comphet is a very personal struggle, and its different for everyone. hotd focuses not only on alicent, and we simply do not see enough of her thoughts to be able to tell.

anyways, i guess my point is this: you can headcanon whatever you want. however, the moment you start being angry at other people for viewing things differently than you is the moment i dont really care about what you think. so youre a rhaenicent?? great! wonderful! i hope you have fun. you think alicoles are stupid and attack them for shipping? i think you have absolutely no experience in fandom. if a female/male ship is enough to make you fall apart the moment you see it, then youre not going to have a lot of fun being in fandoms later on.

[captain-mj]

Black Coffee

Poll at the end

Soap gave Ghost a cup of black coffee from the cafeteria. It didn’t look that good, but he’d drink it. 

Ghost shifted and Soap settled into his side. “Hate hospitals.”

“They’re not my favorite either.” 

Ghost grabbed his hand and gently rubbed circles into it. The nurse told them a while ago that Jason was sleeping off drugs from surgery. He was doing fine, as fine as one could with a gunshot at least, but he was breathing. 

“Can’t believe this all started because I had a crush on my barista. He was the one that dragged me into the coffeeshop.” Ghost stroked his inner wrist, tracing his veins. 

Soap hesitated. “Your friends seem really concerned about something. I want to know what they’re worrying about.” 

Ghost sighed. “My little… incident.” 

He didn’t want to talk about this. 

He had to though. Didn’t he? He had been avoiding it for weeks. 

“Tried to kill myself.” 

Soap flinched. Those pretty blue eyes went wide. 

“It’s complicated. I got high on some underground stuff. Specifically for dragons. Works a bit like weed I’m told but that’s not how it went for me. Then I was in my bathroom and it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

Then a few days passed. Knew I was sober. And I still wanted to. So I did. Price found me. Said he had never seen someone so pale.”

“Bad trip?”

“No. Good trip. Just made me realize how fucking miserable I was. I thought of my life. Where I was. How many people I buried. And part of me gave up. Stayed down. I’ve pushed forward my whole life, but suddenly I just couldn’t.” Ghost drank the coffee. “You’re sweet, Soap. Really are. But you’ve seen the scars. I’m sure you can piece together some awful things happened to me. Then I came home and more awful things happened.”

“When I said those things…” 

Ghost laughed. “Jesus, Johnny. I got upset. Made some questionable decisions. But I didn’t plan on bleeding myself dry any time soon. It’s been hard convincing all of them of this.” 

Soap nodded. “I can imagine.” His fingers were warm as they pressed against his wrist. For a moment, Ghost though he was feeling for scarring before those fingertips settled right on his pulse. 

“I’m alive, Johnny. And I’m right here.” Simon softened. 

Soap shook his head. “I’m sorry. I-”

Ghost yanked his wrist away. “No. None of that. I don’t want apologies from you. I wish everyone would just move on. I keep giving people time and they just don’t move on.” 

Soap nodded and looked down at his hands. 

They sat in silence for a long while before a nurse let them know that Jason had woken back up. 

Ghost stalked forward quickly, the world finally started to feel right again. 

Jason smiled and sat up. “Did it work?”

Ghost stepped to the side to show him Soap. Jason immediately brightened. 

“Nice to formally meet you, Soap.” He grinned. Dumb and toothy. Just like his best friend. 

“Jason. Very nice to finally get to know you.” Soap grabbed a chair. 

The two got on like a house on fire. Both of them had a lot in common. 

Ghost felt himself falling into his normal silence, watching the two of them. Jason looked pale, but definitely alive. There was an IV pumping who knows what into his body and he noticed Jason hitting the morphine button every three minutes. One minute longer than the minimum. Smart. He did have an addicting personality. Better to try to wait as long as he could with the pain management. If he got addicted, Ghost would have to watch him. Make sure he stayed alive and not overdosing. 

Jason hummed. “Simon. You’re doing it again.”

“Hmm?”

“Thinking super hard. You tend to go in spirals.” Jason smiled before looking at Soap. “If you see him scrunching up his mouth and looking distant, that’s why. Dangerous to let his thoughts wander.”

“So I’ve heard.” 

Soap was getting all types of intel on Ghost. It made him nervous. He hoped no one else gave him any more information. 

The universe was against him. He knew that once any of the other guys got around Soap, they would spill everything. It used to scare him. Being known. 

But it felt okay, right now.

Jason told Soap a few stories from their childhood, mostly talking about Simon’s partying days. It felt like when he was a teen and his mom told his crushes stories about when he was a baby. 

He realized after a minute that’s exactly what it was. Jason was doing it on purpose. The bastard. 

The nurse kicked them out eventually and Soap held Ghost’s hand as they walked. They fell in step with each other and Soap kissed his hand a few times. 

“Wayne.”

“What about him?”

“What do we plan on doing with him?” Ghost asked. “If you wanted, we could get him out of jail. Thought maybe you’d want face to face confrontation. Or I could snipe him for you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Taglist: @the-snarky-dragon @elevencloudsofnine-blog @lukewarm-chickensoup @nervouspsychologynerd @korym @cthulhusstepmom @princess-heathen @revenge-of-the-bucket-demon @roachboy @shadowsnowberry @crazies-unanimous @shiftylookingcrow @joltom @xenomorphee3 @thedeepvoidinmyheart

[thesherrinfordfacility]

does aziraphale actually at any point agree to come back to heaven? even after the metatron offers to restore crowley? because take all the time you need doesn't sound like he agreed yet. the flashback cuts immediately after the ascension offer without looking at his reply. he dodges directly answering tell me you said no. crowley takes it as a foregone conclusion based on his evasions and reacts accordingly the metatron acts as though he's agreed to cut off his escape routes but i'm not conviced he actually ever did...

(2/2)

hi anon!!!✨ lots of things to talk about here!!!

okay first thing's first, something definitely feels off about the cuts in the metatron-aziraphale chinwag, and the way it's intersected with aziraphale telling crowley, there's no two ways about it. i do think to some degree there is something we are not seeing.

that being said, i think it could potentially be quite... cheap? narratively to have a Big Reveal of *gasp* we didn't see the whole conversation! now if that does happen, im absolutely sure i'll be proven wrong in that assessment, and it'll be great. however, i personally don't like it that much, insofar that i think it can sometimes reflect a poor opinion on audience intelligence (ie. i prefer to find out there were clues hidden in plain sight to about 95% of the 'Answer', you only had to look hard enough to work out what was going on, then maybe a surprise twist for the remaining 5% - rather than something be purposefully and entirely kept from the audience).

so for example, i felt this way about the gabriel/beelzebub storyline. what had happened to gabriel was hidden in plain sight - the fly, the box, the memories, the matchbox etc - but the little twist obviously being him and beez falling in love. beautiful, splendid!

but for there to be a Big Reveal that metatron made an overt or even thinly veiled threat against aziraphale and/or crowley? that feels a bit too Big to reconcile, imo, with the rest of the scene. there are definitely indicators, the more that ive rewatched the Final Fifteen with this perspective in mind, that aziraphale is scared, or uncertain. the way he looks out the window, his facial reaction to what crowley says to him (shaking head, looking confused, etc)...

but i don't think he's been threatened. i think he maybe feels threatened or has Worked Something Out, but i dont think metatron actually intimated any kind of threat (tbh, i felt like that was the whole point of metatron's behaviour in the Final Fifteen). as for whether aziraphale had accepted the offer though - i completely agree that i don't think he had made up his mind completely until a very Specific moment.

i do believe that aziraphale wants to change heaven, and do the good thing of making a difference; i think that its simultaneously very in-keeping with his core traits (and his character development up to this point has naturally led to this decision), but also a step forward in some aspects too - put simply, bc it would be a whole other meta and tbh a point ive talked about quite extensively from my recollection, i definitely think both of the boys needed to separate.

but as to specifically why aziraphale was so willing to make that difference; well, i think he realises that metratron is potentially dangerous. he's smarter than metatron has given him credit for, and aziraphale realises that whilst he may not know his motives for doing so, or what specifically metatron could do, i think he has put together a number of Clues that indicate that he and crowley might not be as safe in the bookshop as they thought they were (and i had to actually parse this out in a separate post, anon, bc i got so excited!!! your ask completely inspired it, so thank you!)

so with this potentially in mind, he leaves the bookshop (and not until possibly clocking this dirty look thrown at crowley, just for good measure):

and settled down across the road with metatron. metatron offers him the job, CUT, metatron gives (?) aziraphale the power to restore crowley, CUT. then aziraphale, as you said anon, starts to come back across to the bookshop, and tell crowley what happened. as you said, metatron's line indicates aziraphale has basically said, "well, i'll need to run it by him indoors first", and metatron has acquiesced, it seems.

so yeah, just to hammer home your point, i definitely think that aziraphale has said something like, "i need to think about it", for metatron's first line to make sense and for it to flow. and his expression, keeping with the kindly old man, indicates to me that he hasn't gone nasty or threatened him at all, but instead is almost taking the "kill them with kindness" approach, which is all the more powerful because it makes the victim, so to speak, arrive at the conclusion they wanted but by their own conviction.

anyway, so aziraphale is all smiley, until he crosses to the bookshop, and it's apprehensive and stiff and uncomfortable. i think this for me is a telling sign, because if he were expected crowley to want to be an angel again, and to be with him, what would aziraphale have to be nervous about? personally i think it's to do with the aforementioned potential realisation that whatever he says to crowley in the shop, he needs to be careful in what he says and how he says it.

as soon as he steps in the shop, it's back to smiles. nothing's wrong at all. in fact, i have good news. aziraphale is looking out the window just as metatron has turned from muriel to look right back. then, when crowley starts rambling (my brave soldier), you need to stop talking, i need to tell you this and i need to tell you this now before anything happens or you end up saying something and land us in deep shit, because i think he can hear everything we're saying (just chopped together a bunch of shit to demonstrate this):

and then aziraphale starts to lay out what the metatron has offered to him, even pulling himself up on potentially offending him by indicating that aziraphale and crowley both might have had a shitty word to say about him after the metatron's less than helpful rhetoric in s1:

im not going to go ahead and gif the rest, but the following notes through aziraphale's account of the conversation and the offer made to crowley:

aziraphale barely blinks after the above point in his monologue, and is definitely agitated and restless compared to when it cuts to the flashback of him and metatron at justine's restaurant

an obvious thing that everyone has remarked but; aziraphale first asserts that he doesn't want to go back to heaven, to which metatron plays the crowley restoration card

as soon as metatron says, "(paraphrased) looked back over your previous exploits with the demon crowley", and aziraphale goes from frozen, deer in headlights, to visibly uncomfortable and panicked - swallows, eyes start darting away (previous pretty firm eye contact with metatron), pursed lips... all indicating to me a mixture of 'oh he's definitely been watching us/has had the power to', and 'oh shit it's worse than i thought'

we don't see aziraphale's face after metatron finishes his offer of restoring crowley - did aziraphale continue to look scared? did he look relieved that a threat hasn't been made? does he even look relieved that metatron doesn't appear to be splitting them up, but instead is offering an option where they can still be together and protect each other? we don't know.

i do think aziraphale was taken in by the promotion; i do think he wants to do exactly as ive said in previous metas. i think he does want to make a difference, do the right thing. not the clever thing, or logical thing, but the right thing. the minisodes literally led to this point, directed us to this being the pinnacle of his character development so far.

i think he genuinely thought that the restoration offer would solve everything re: his and crowley's safety, and their future together - he acts truly shocked that crowley would turn it down. i don't think crowley has ever really told him about the fall, or why crowley is so vehemently repulsed by heaven and therefore by the offer by extension. aziraphale sees it as an overture made towards crowley, a way to set right an egregious wrong done to crowley, and - like the photograph in ep4 - a way that aziraphale, once again, can actually be the one out of the two of them to protect them both.

this to me is why the metatron's whole offer, start to finish, is so clever, and so dumb, and why it would be so gratuitous to even bother with an overt threat. it's clever because it plays into aziraphale's core beliefs and the tenets of his character - especially those that crowley taught him. it's dumb because there's so much that metatron got wrong, like the coffee, and only set off (imo) the alarm bells for aziraphale that things are Not What They Seem. but ultimately aziraphale arrives at the conclusion - especially post-Feral Domestic - that he has to go to heaven. metatron didn't need to threaten him; the decisions that you reach yourself rather than be coerced or ordered into are always the decisions that stick.

i think aziraphale knew he was going to go to heaven as soon as metatron offered it. i think he knew, however this was going to go, it would not be an option he couldn't take. the bit he didn't foresee, that he thought would be guaranteed, is that crowley would want to help him and be with him, not force him to go against his core self (the bit that wants to do good and do the right thing), and not put his faith and trust in aziraphale even if he could never again put it in heaven. im not saying aziraphale is right for thinking or assuming that - far from it - but that must be somewhat along the lines of how he thought this would go.

so essentially, anon, if you've stuck with me this far (bless you if you have, you're so brave), i do largely agree! and it's parsing out this ask that has made me seriously consider if i think that aziraphale knows he's in some sort of peril. i think he does - but i don't think the metatron knows that aziraphale knows. that's pretty powerful knowledge. the opening had been made, a declaration of intent has been made apparent, and now aziraphale needs to respond. i think aziraphale is going to need to play a very tough board here, consider where he moves his pieces, and start planning the middlegame as soon as he can - something, if you ask me, he's already doing:

[iantimony]

oopsie, two missed tuesdays!

and i almost missed this one too!!!! i was moving apartments. ough. this is a random mishmash of everything i remember of the past .. three ?? ??? weeks.

listening: finished s1 of the silt verses! faulkner is my poor little meow meow etc. i am rotating it in my brain. will have more thoughts next week probably.

some fugazi because they were referenced in a mina le video on merch and i was intrigued. they're good!

fugazi waiting room

brat charli xcx on recommendation of beloved mutual png jpeg. i liked it, i don't normally go for her style but there's some good earworms in here. really good gym album. not sure which specific song to drop here because it was a Full Album experience imo.

in terms of relistening/older stuff, the dear hunter antimai, more franz ferdinand. finally listened to sound & fury by sturgill simpson all the way through, it's really good. boyf also got me to listen to die antwoord and ohhh i do like this. a lot.

i fink u freeky (die antwoord)

also more bionicle playlist. it's just a dose of early 00's-10's music delivered via iv directly into my bloodstream. sorry.

reading: this was from a few weeks ago actually but i forgot about it. we stopped over in pittsburgh for a night and briefly entertained the idea of going to a museum or something road-trip style and found this museum review. surprisingly she is not a lesbian.

and then related to the watching, wikipedia pages for victor ninov and darleane c hoffman!

watching: mina le: the merch industry has gone too far, WAGs, blokecore, and the “feminization” of sports

swell entertainment: the marketability of celebrity eras, how to destroy your audience's trust

started dangelo wallace's ozempic video. the fatphobia had me tapping out pretty quick tho. also watched about half of joy achill's "the george r r martin problem" about asoiaf stuff, gonna finish it tomorrow i think

watched "the man who tried to fake an element" with the boyf, really fascinating, i knew a little bit of it from one of my undergrad classes but this was a really good deep dive.

also watched two episodes of space dandy with the boyf. so much to unpack there.

playing: more dnd but otherwise fallow. made a little dungeon crawl type thing so that's pretty straightforward.

making: coasters mostly right now! the main ones are a Surprise so i will not be posting them yet. instead look at my worm

i've also started knitting a magic the gathering card sleeve as a semi-gag gift for a friend. it's really really stupid i love it so much. it is just ten rows of a rectangle in stockinette right now but i'm going to mock up a little texture work to get the swamp land symbol in the back.

eating: did a lot of takeout right after moving because, Yeah, but i finally started settling back in to home cooked meals. made my favorite orzo salad for a temple potluck, an ungodly amount of gyudon, and a garlic butter shrimp pasta thing.

misc: my new apartment is good!! the insulation isn't great, i know i'll have to shrinkwrap some windows this winter for Sure, but overall i'm settling in. i have a lot of organization and purging to do, especially of my House Clothes, craft supplies, and makeup/beauty shit, and i need to get one or two pieces of furniture still (like a couch......i have a funny little bachelor chair in front of the couch right now which is very funny). i got myself some fun plants from the farmers market as a housewarming gift to myself. i am finally the owner of a monstera, yippee, she Really needs a repot though. i also got a hoya lisa because i liked the name and it was cute and cat friendly and i got a vaguely labia-adjacent succulent. i have so many little household Needs and Tasks (mat for in front of the sink! blackout curtains because i have to sleep with an eye mask right now because the blinds dont do shit! etc!) and also every grocery bill i do is like $100 because of getting kitchen essentials that will not run out any time soon but that i do need (white vinegar. aluminum foil. flour.) so everything is so expensive. this is a big wall of text. at least the spare mattress is out of my weird haunted hallway now <3 i'm very excited to start hanging up my art.

[mcu-multiverse-order-review]

X-Men: The Animated Series - Season 1 (1992-1993)

Ok, so I just finished watching Season 1 of the X-Men and honestly, it holds up well. Like, really well. Disturbingly well. The show is really good at portraying the struggles of oppressed groups and the bullshit bigots throw at them. This is very prevalent in the Sentinel storyline, which is the main story arc of the season.

Honestly, I enjoyed it. Like, yeah, there were a few moments that I wasn’t vibing with, as a whole I can confidently say it was good. I am very excited to jump into Season 2.

As usual my live reactions (? I guess. I mean, I write these as I’m watching. What do you call a text version of a reaction?) are below the cut. Gimme like a couple weeks to watch Season 2. 

Episode 1 - “Night of the Sentinels - Part 1”

Ok, so as our introduction to the world of the X-Men, I thought that was alright. Honestly thought we’d spend more time with Jubilee to flesh out the world a bit more, but eh, I’m too bothered. Certainly got more outta this 20 minute episode than any of 60s Spider-Man 20 minute episodes, this actually had decent action and a plot. But of course it comes with a level of 90s edge, which isn’t my particular vibe but I don’t hate it. I’d honestly say my biggest gripe with this episode is it was quantity over quality, it introduced pretty much the entire main team, but didn’t really do a lot in terms of characterisation. Not to say that it didn’t do any, every character is very much in character this episode, it just felt a little shallow. I expect this to be remedied by the end of the season.

Characters introduced:

Jubilee / Jubilation Lee

My sheer lack of X-Men is about to come through. I have next to no idea who this is. I’d vaguely heard of her before, but as far as I’m aware she isn’t in the Fox films, so I’m just not familiar. Which is fine, because it allows me to get to know her as the show continues, which is what a show is supposed to do with its characters. Anyway, I think her powers are weirdly vague and not really explained, but you kinda get the jist of them after a bit.

Sentinels

I was not expecting Sentinels right off the bat, but they do create an immediate threatening and domineering presence. So I checked the Marvel wiki and apparently these specific Sentinels are the Mk IV variants, I think that’s what they are in Earth-616, as it seems like they’re something new in this continuity.

Rogue / Anna Marie

So I’m vaguely aware of the Ms. Marvel situation in this show, which leads me to wonder if she has flight and super strength in the comics? Cause she doesn’t in the films, at least I don’t think she does. It’s been awhile since I’ve watched them.

Storm / Ororo Munroe

As Shakespearian as ever, Storm is here. She honestly raises the question for me, are there actual people that talk like her? Like, seriously her dialogue would fit in a Dickens novel.

Gambit / Remy LeBeau

“wooimbouttamakeanameformyselfere”

Cyclops / Scott Summers

I have nothing to say about Cyclops. He’s just kinda here. He’s a bit boring. I hope he does something later.

Beast / Henry "Hank" McCoy

Another case of “do people actually talk like this?” Like who the fuck quotes books and shit mid conversation? “Teri, you quote vines on a daily basis.” Touché

Morph

So going into this, the only shapeshifter mutant I knew about was Mystique, so finding out about Morph was a surprise. I actually did a bit of digging around them. Found a few things: Originally they were supposed to be another guy, but the show runners didn’t wanna kill off like the only Native American from the comics, so he got swapped out for another guy, called Changeling, but they couldn’t use that name because Beast Boy was using that name at the time, and the show runners didn’t wanna catch heat from DC, so settled on an original character, Morph. Also, it should be noted that apparently in X-Men ‘97 Morph is revealed to be non-binary, which is great and if anyone has a problem with this fact I invite you to go fuck yourself.

Professor Charles Xavier

I don’t really have much to say about Xavier other than he has some weird eyebrows, and I don’t much care for his hover chair. Like, what’s wrong with having a normal wheelchair Charlie? You think you’re better than everyone? Prick. For sake of clarity, this is a joke. I actually have no strong opinions on the chair. That’s a lie, I think it’s an ugly colour. 

Jean Grey

She sure does appear in this episode. That is all I can say about Jean Grey. I know fuck-all about this woman.

Wolverine / James "Logan" Howlett

Logan is as aggressive as I expected him to be. So this is fine.

Henry Gyrich

Another guy that I know next to nothing about. I honestly thought he was Trask, and I am apparently wrong, so there you go. He seems like a slimy git.

Episode 2 - “Night of the Sentinels - Part 2”

Oh no, I can’t believe Morph died, who could’ve ever seen this coming.

I didn’t mention in the last episode that the mutants are pretty much a stand-in for every oppressed group in modern society. I never used to fully understand it, until watching this and being part of the LGBT+. It hits very close to home. The idea that your own government hates you, wants you dead for something you have literally no control over. It’s not fun. Seriously, try being trans in the UK, it’s bullshit. Granted I know there are much worse places, but I’m just talking from personal experience. And also, being trans doesn’t give me random powerful abilities, it would be great if it did. Point being, mutants are very on the nose about what they represent in the lens of the real world, you could try to argue this level of social science has no place in a children's show, but I would argue that this is the perfect place to teach children that sometimes are different, and that’s ok.

At bare minimum this kinda plot leads to some truly hateable villains, which would be funny if it weren’t realistic.

Onto the actual contents of the episode, it’s pretty good. Characterisation is pretty much on point, dialogue is aggressively 90s, and the non-mutant characters are mostly despicable.

Characters Introduced:

Bolivar Trask

That ain’t Peter Dinklage, what kinda bullshit you pulling here?!

Episode 3 - “Enter Magneto”

If George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” were a picture book, I still don’t think the guards watching Beast would understand it.

Anyway, hi Erik, nice to see you, glad you could drop in.

Something I noticed is certain scenes with flashing imagery seem extremely slowed down. I presume this was a decision by Disney for the Disney+ version, as modern rules regarding epilepsy are a lot stricter than they were in the 90s.

Not gonna, the anti-mutant protest outside the courtroom and the cunts in the courtroom are so frustratingly realistic. Like, seriously, what the fuck do they think they’re gonna achieve? That if they say “no more mutants” hard enough Hank will lose all his fur? Of course they don’t think that. This show in 3 episodes has done a very, very good job at showing how bigotry works. I know it gets more extreme as the show goes on, but as far as I’m aware, at no point does it become unrealistic. This show came out in ‘92, everything on display is still relevant in 2024. That should horrify you. Or piss you off depending on who you are as a person.

Onto something lighter, can we appreciate Wolverine’s sheer disdain for Sabretooth. It’s great.

Also since when could Xavier transfer information from Cerebro to X-Men on the field? Specifically, how did Storm insta-learn how to shut off nukes? Deus-ex my arsehole.

Character Introductions:

Magneto / Erik Magnus Lehnsherr

Here we finally have Magneto. Genuinely as I’ve got older, I’ve understood his entire deal so much more, and like, yeah, he’s a villain, he’s a prick that can and will kill anyone in his path, but he’s not completely wrong.  Again, I do not think he’s in the right, but he is also someone that has been scared by the worst of humanity. His anger is justified, and ultimate goal of mutant freedom is good, but the way he plans to achieve that goal is fucked. I think it’s a really good detail that Erik sounds and looks genuinely hurt when the X-Men go against him, cause he actually believes he is doing the right thing. So, round of applause for a complex villain. Hooray!

Sabretooth / Graydon Creed, Sr.

Diego is my least favourite of the Ice Age herd, I think he’s a bit of a dickhead… Wrong sabretooth, Teri. Graydon Creed is definitely a guy with a very hateable face. All I really know about him is that he’s a cunt that’s involved in Wolverine’s backstory. I’m sure this will be explored further as the series progresses.

Episode 4 - “Deadly Reunions”

HIM! WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS WADE?!

So this episode establishes Storm’s claustrophobia and Rogue’s power absorption. Cool.

“...you wish me to wage war on six billion humans?” Oh. 3 decades. All it took was 3 decades to add another two billion to the human population. This has nothing to do with the episode really, it’s just that fact only just sank in with me. I’ve got nothing to add, just bloody hell, these are some scary numbers.

Jesus Christ Xavier, the fuck man? Weaponizing war trauma to beat Magneto? I mean, I get why he did it, but like, nah I ain’t about that.

“Right, and I’m the queen of England.” Honestly, Jubilee would be a much better queen of England than our useless king.

So, how the fuck did Sabretooth actually manage to wound Wolverine? Like, surely his healing factor would just fix him up real quick?

Character Introductions:

Senator Robert Kelly

Finally in the flesh, the king bigot. Motherfucker pretty much says he wants to set up concentration camps for mutants. As if the metaphors couldn’t be anymore on the nose.

Episode 5 - “Captive Hearts”

I do quite like how Storm’s claustrophobia is a recurring problem, it actually adds at least a bit of depth to her character.

Not gonna lie, I’m fond of the Wolverine pining for Jean bullshit. 

Is this episodes plot just Callisto getting pissy that Scott won’t fuck her?

Also can we just talk about how creepy Wolverine gets when chasing Callisto, like I’m not here for that. It’s not good.

Anyway Storm and Callisto having a lightsaber duel was pretty cool.

Character Introductions:

The Morlocks

Ok, so yes I’m grouping a lot of characters together here, but honestly I know so little about them I don’t have anything interesting to say. Before watching this I had never even heard of them, with the sole expectation of Leech, because I’m pretty sure he appears in one of the Fox films. Anyway, according to Marvel Wiki, here's all the named Morlocks: Leech, Sunder, Erg, Plague, Masque, Tar Baby, Annalee, Callisto, Tommy, Ape, Scaleface, & Glow Worm.

Episode 6 - “Cold Vengeance”

Oh no, Wolverine threw a tantrum and left, who could have ever seen coming.

Genuine question, how much of Canada is an ice cap?

Is Sabretooth wearing a skintight suit, or is he butt naked?

Can we just talk about the fact that both Storm and Jubilee wear appropriate casual attire, but Gambit’s still in his combat attire.

How did Sabretooth manage to catch and tie up the entire village? Like, surely someone could have escaped? Or more likely, wouldn’t he have just killed them all? Like, he’s a murderous psychopath, I’m surprised he could even be bothered to set bombs.

Ooo, looky the Sentinels are back.

Episode 7 - “Slave Island”

One of the antagonists of this episode is some cunt who calls himself “The Leader”, he’s not the actual Leader (Samuel Sterns), so I ain’t including him in the character introductions.

Why is Gambit weirdly out of character this episode? Like, he's much more of a prick than usual here.

Why is Cable here? How is Cable here? What time travel shenanigans were required for him to be here?

Character Introductions:

Cable / Nathan Summers

But seriously, why is Cable here? Not that I don’t appreciate him being here, I just kinda want an explanation. Especially since the episode seems to indicate that he’s not from the future, but I’m fully aware later seasons will contradict that. Maybe I’m missing something and this’ll be explained later.

Mastermold

That’s a big arse Sentinel.

Cameron Hodge

So, technically this guy first appears in Episode 3 as Beast’s lawyer, but he had no impact on the story and he was being pro-mutant, which is out of character.

Blob / Frederick Dukes | Sunfire / Shiro Yoshida | Feral / Maria Callasantos

These guys have speaking roles in the episode, but I honestly have nothing to say about them.

Cameo Appearances from Mystique, Pyro, Rictor, Avalanche, Thunderbird, Northstar, Aurora, Caliban, & Domino.

Episode 8 - “The Unstoppable Juggernaut”

Not gonna lie, I like how the Fox films actually show there being students at the X-Mansion, cos honestly without them, the place looks abandoned.

I really feel bad for Colossus, guys just doing a job and gets attacked by a group of bigots and then Wolverine & Jubilee. Like, seriously, when he says “What is it with these Americans? They are very strange people.” I’m inclined to agree with the guy (this is ignoring the fact that Logan is Canadian). Then he gets arrested for a robbery he doesn’t commit. Bloody hell, this man can’t catch a break. Thankfully his company in prison was Beast. The man may talk like an academic but at least he’s friendly.

What does Juggernaut need money for? Can’t he just take literally anything he wants? He’s the Juggernaut, who the fuck is stop him?

Anyway, I think he is fucking hilarious. Legitimately the funniest character the show has introduced.

I’m sure Juggernaut vs. Colossus is a fight I’m never gonna see again…

Ok, what we’ve learnt is that if Rogue absorbs Juggernaut’s powers, she breaks. Interesting.

And at the end he just walks away, because of course he does. Not like they can beat him any other way.

Characters Introduced:

Colossus / Piotr Rasputin

Can I just say that I think Colossus is lovely. Like, I think he’s a very good example of what a man should be. Strong, friendly, a little bit dumb. A himbo by true definition. I may be crushing on a fictional character. 

Juggernaut / Cain Marko

“Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!”

Episode 9 - “The Cure”

More Cable shenanigans. I’m sure he’s actually from the future this time.

Oh look Logan being a twat and antagonising most of the team, I’m sure that’ll go really well for him.

Damn, Gambit really out here trying to push himself onto Rogue, despite knowing she could kill him just by touch. What a knob.

Everytime Cable asks for Dr. Adler, I’m just reminded of this moment from Dragon Ball Z Abridged.

That is all.

Character Introductions:

Angel / Warren Worthington III

This millionaire in the colour blue is available for pre-order. Call 1800-APOCALYPSE now!

Moira MacTaggert

As far as I’m aware she’s important to the X-Men mythos, but I personally know fuck all about her. 

Mystique / Raven Darkhölme

Ah, Mystique, the psychotic bitch with the power to make all trans people jealous. Infuriating.

Pyro / St. John Allerdyce

For some reason, they decided he needed English instead of Australian in this continuity.

Avalanche / Dominikos Petrakis

Ok, so his powers are like, seismic energy right? It just bothers me that a guy named Avalanche doesn’t have ice powers.

Apocalypse / En Sabah Nur

Not gonna lie, I’m kinda surprised to see Apocalypse here. I honestly expected him to be, like, ‘the big bad’ at the end of the series.

Episode 10 - “Come the Apocalypse”

Ok, so lemme get this straight, Warren wants a cure for his mutation because he considers himself a freak, yet the fucker wears a full spandex superhero suit that incorporates his wings. If you hate your wings, why would you own a bright red and white costume? Make yourself more visible? Dumbarse.

“Death, the winged avenger”, 🤓☝️erm ackshually, Apocalypse, Archangel isn’t an Avenger.

And then they all fuck off. Kinda anticlimactic, ngl.

Character Introductions:

Archangel / Warren Worthington III

This millionaire is now available in the colour. To get yours call 1800-HORSEMANofDEATH now! “Didn’t you already include Worthington here?” Yeah, but this time he’s blue… and slightly insane.

Episode 11 - “Days of Future Past - Part 1”

Wow, it really takes no time at all for Bishop to flip teams.

Ok, so what causes Bishop’s amnesia? Was it Nimrod reaching for him? I don't think this is ever explained.

Oh, hi Frank. Good to you see. Going by the wrong name I see.

More questions, why’s Bishop’s time thingamajig not working properly?

I’m sorry, but what the fuck? Bro just drove a bus straight through the X-Mansion XD.

Ok, I like Wolverine’s constant mocking of Bishop. The man deserves it, he’s a bit of a stuck up prick.

… Oh my god. I just made a horrifying realisation.

Silver is just Bishop’s hedgehog-sona.

Gambit finally shows back up and Bishop’s immediate first thought is to shoot the bastard. Don’t worry man, it happens to all of us. I too murder the first frenchman I see when sent on important missions.

Characters Introduced:

Lucas Bishop

“It’s no use!” Bishop is the kinda guy to shoot first, ask questions never.

Forge

He is here. I don’t actually have any idea who he is.

Nimrod

This is a really dumb name for something that’s supposed to be threatening.

Episode 12 - “Days of Future past - Part 2”

Jesus, Jubilee, what’s your beef with tattoos? I mean, they’re not really my vibe, but there’s no reason to call Bishop a freak. (We’re just gonna ignore that the guy shot Gambit and Rogue, that ain't important.)

Genuinely, Logan’s been pretty funny these last few episodes.

So, is Magneto not the leader of the Brotherhood of Mutants in this continuity? Interesting.

Again with the protesting? What the fuck do they hope to achieve? Fuck me, bigots are really fucking dumb.

Loving Blob’s Hawaiian shirt, tho.

Speaking of, how does Blob’s powers work? Like, is he just impervious to damage by sheer fat? If so, that is both really gross, but really cool.

“This kid’s crying. Do something” before shoving the child into Jubilee. Honestly, same, Logan. I too don’t wanna deal with crying children.

Mystique is just the queen of gaslighting and manipulation. Especially with Rogue.

I quite like that the whole assassinate Senator Kelly plot was Apocalypse’s plan, keeps him lurking in the background like the big bad he ought to be.

Characters Introduced:

Blob / Frederick Dukes

Technically, Blob made his first appearance in Episode 7, but this is his first appearance of actual significance.

Episode 13 - “The Final Decision”

Oh look, the bigots have resorted to rioting cause they’ve decided a group of people are responsible for shit only a few have done. 😒Where have I seen that before? 

Ok, so a few things. One, how the fuck did Mastermold achieve sentience? Two, why is its plot effectively just to create the cybermen from Doctor Who?

Oh, hello Ghost Rider, fancy seeing you here.

“Stop him gently, Storm.” “As gentle as the falling snow.” She then proceeds to almost kill Gyrich by making him crash into a tree. Good job, Storm.

This is the first thing I thought of when the X-Men were debating on if it’s worth saving Senator Kelly with Gambit reluctant to join.

“You're all fools... Heroic fools.” I literally could not agree more Erik. “The brave are always the first to die.” and that is just fucking cold. Not gonna lie, I fucking love Magneto in this show.

Thinking about it, why do the sentinels even bother discussing what they are doing? Like shouldn’t they all be talking to each other through some kinda network? I feel like that would’ve made them more threatening.

“What is that object? It appears to be the ace of spades.” Like, seriously, how are these guys a serious threat?

“Did you think I would let you die alone, Xavier?” Aw, Erik does care.

“Mutants are human. Therefore, humans must be protected from themselves.” Ok, so Mastermold is based. Still an evil prick, but at least it ain’t a bigot.

Ok, so with Scott and Jean’s proposal scene, why does she jump straight to talking about kids? Like, that’s a whole new fucking conversation ma’am.

Oooo, how very Sinister of an ending.

[merchantarthurn]

hello!!! if you dont mind me asking what kind of white pen do you use for adding little highlights in your art? your art inspired me to start inking and coloring my traditional art and ive been having a lot of fun with it for a year or so now but i can never seem to find a good white gel pen to use 😭

you and me both friend 😭 I have a lot of issues with the ones i've tried and im thinking i might switch to just using white dip-pen inks (shirahama has given the brand she uses it's something like icy-white but i'll have to dig that out again).

the best luck i've had has been the following:

General notes of paint/acrylic markers - be extremely careful of smudging and drying times, both of the pen and whatever you have underneath. For any solvent-based mediums (paints, alcohol markers and ESPECIALLY linework inking) acrylic markers can pick up some of the colour or damage the paper and create smudges and tears. This is relatively easy to avoid so long as you wait for stuff to dry and work in small areas. The paint itself will take a while to dry so I usually let it sit for 30mins-1hr before putting it anywhere near my scanner bed. If you need to work on a larger area and the paper you're working on isn't pretty robust you should probably switch to a paintbrush and just use regular acrylic paint (which has a longer drying time).

I've also found that with smaller pen nibs getting a reliable opacity is an absolute crapshoot lol.

Artistro paint market pen - really good when fresh, but god help you if you go without using it for too long after you start using it. it'll gunk up and I don't know how to fix them. They are relatively cheap and come in packs at least. Doesn't seem to have larger sizes though.

Posca paint pens (various sizes) - far more robust than artistro if you store them right but regrettably more pricey. I've also found the finest nibbed white pen to be... deeply underwhelming. It never seems to have adequate pigment no matter how long I shake and prime it. By contrast the artistro gave the same sized line much more consistently, but at the cost of the pen nib itself being pretty unreliable.

Decobrush pigment - I've not got these in white so can't speak for them directly, but the colours I do have are pretty spiffy and it's a BRUSH pen, which gives you so much more control and a range of sizes per pen. There is some difficulty with low opacity on these though (since they're meant to be used with other decobrush markers), so I don't know how a white "corrector" would fair. The colour range is generally pretty gorgeous though, in the long term i'd like to have more of them.

General note on gel pens - I've got a love-hate relationship with gel pens honestly. I find I can get more consistent results out of them because the ink doesn't settle and you don't have to prime the nibs, but that's only if you can find a good brand... and then a good specific pen lol. I've also found an issue when you don't let the medium below dry properly re: smudging, but it also seems like if your work isn't boneeee dry (like overnight or multiple days of alcohol markers drying) the gel can very easily take on the colour of the pigment underneath, especially darker ones. Oddly this doesn't always show up when scanning, but it will look odd in person. Not always a draw back though - it looks great for white detailing in shadow.

Sakura Gelly Roll 08 - Not sure if there's other sizes (or their efficacy) so I thought I'd be specific because if there's one thing about gel pens the specificity MATTERS. I've got a couple of these and they don't disappoint (insofar as my expectations for gel pens go)

Uniball signo broad - this was my favourite until it ran out of ink. I cannot say for the uniball signo (without the broad part) which seemingly just gave up delivering ink and enjoys carving lines on the page and maybe delivering just enough ink that you can see where the ball is on the track it leaves behind. But the broad? I really liked. It honestly probably performs the same as the gelly roll but the pen just feels nicer to use lol, and the fact that it ran out of ink rather than dried out speaks for how much I liked it lol

as a general warning though - basically any gel pen or acrylic pen should be the last thing you do on your piece, because the second it goes down you will not be doing any more colouring in that area (unless you paint with acrylics). You can maybe use lineart pens on top of them once fully dried for at least an hour (ideally more) but it's very likely to smudge.

honestly... if you scan your work, there's no shame in cloning a white area of your work to use as a highlight post-scan. i always feel like im cheating until i remind myself that every digital-artist peer i have gets do to this at their leisure lol. i'd recommend getting a good scan/photo of the work before adding any highlights anyway because it's sooo easy to bugger them up and be unable to fix it (i say this as someone who never remembers and always regrets it lol)

examples:

you can see where the opacity doesn't quite hide what it's covering - an extra layer or digital correction would have been great. pretty sure this was artistro acrylic pen. but the unseen thing is i had to correct around the iris to the point where i said "well fuck i can't do what i want now" and just fixed it digitally.

dot highlights on the left and in/around the eye - definitely gelly roll. gel pens are really good for little pin pricks because you avoid the ball-point smearing things too thin and you can get pretty high opacity from that. also some more digital "help" with a bit of airbrush glow.

Definitely gel pen but i forget which kind, but I wanted to show what I meant by "picking up some pigments" and how can can be a boon, but also how sometimes the scanner just picks it up as white anyway (left is scanned, right is a photo - you can see it's purplish in the shadows)

[retaurd]

So sorry if this is an annoying or repetitive question, but I’m in a similar family situation and I was curious if you experience maternal feelings toward your brother? Or if the knowledge that he is your brother and not your son is enough to stave this off? I’ve read accounts from surrogates where they develop a maternal attachment during pregnancy that makes the handoff of the baby really difficult. Was it easier since you’re not really being separated from your brother after birth? Again I’m sorry if this is something you’re tired of explaining, one of your posts about it floated across my dash and scrolling your blog for a while I haven’t seen any posts about it that could answer my questions without directly asking. Have a good one

hi! happy to answer, especially if it helps you in some way

to clarify, just in case: what i did isnt considered a surrogacy, but a gestational carry, because my own eggs were not used in any way. surrogacy, from my understanding now (because i had no idea there was a difference or that surrogacy entailed horrors when i started this ~1.5yr ago) is when a woman gives her own genetic material in the creation of the child, carries it, then the child is removed from her and raised by someone else. what i did was have a lil test tube guy, a week old fetus basically, implanted into me, a fetus that belongs(ed? he ain't a fetus no more) to my parents. all i did was help my mom out with gestating him. basically.

anyway to answer you: i've had a heavy hand in raising all of my siblings since i was about 12 years old so i think i have a weird relationship with maternalist feelings but i'll do my best to answer as clearly as i can because for me those waters are a bit muddied. for me the most clearly maternal i felt was immediately post-birth and i will explain. the entire time i was pregnant i was fine, i had a wonderful peaceful easy pregnancy (im pretty sure comparably, aside from a couple gallbladder attacks) without much stress or anxiety mostly, but the minute i saw him, and specifically saw other people, medical professionals, touching him, i got extremely emotional like rapturously overjoyed and then also extremely anxious. they had to take him a few times for a few tests, some examinations, a bath, et c., and i remember getting overwhelmingly anxious and upset that he was apart from me and that they could possibly hurt him because a lot of them are dumb as fuck but that's a separate grievance for another time

im lucky in that i have him half of the time, im with him during the night and early day and my mom is very very freely giving with him and i am as much involved as she and my dad are, just like with my other siblings. the first night i was home he was with my mom and i couldn't sleep just weepy and wondering what he was doing. literally. wondering what a newborn was doing lol. but after a few days for me this wore off as my hormones settled and my anxiety and worry relaxed about him getting hurt, that was a constant fear for the first like 4 or 5 days for me. sleeping helped my body and mind return to normalcy, i had a c-section so i am still recovering from that and my physical inability at the time also had something to do with my fears i think, i had this sense of inadequacy that i would fail him and being physically vulnerable didn't help

overall now, im fine i think. ask me again in a couple months though, who knows about then. i definitely get all the time with him i want or need. my mom from the beginning has been discussing the possible difficulty with me and i think ive organized things mentally well enough. i never thought of him as anything but my brother so i think that helped as well, i think if i wouldve basically poisoned myself into considering him to be my child it would've made things a million times harder as well as that being biologically untrue.

my parents trusted me to do this extremely important thing for them because i volunteered several times over the course of years and have worked to prove my responsibility to them. so it really felt like an act of love for me, i love them, i love my other siblings, i love the baby, i love everyone. all i wanted was to give more. and from the beginning my parents told me this isn't just their baby, it's 'our' baby, as in my whole family. thinking about it that way helped me too.

i hope this helped. i was very scared at some points and very nervous or fearful but nothing was ever as bad as i thought and i was never presented with anything i couldnt handle. please if you need or want to, come off anon and talk to me. im here for you if you need it, even if it is still anonymous but we are able to talk privately and i can do whatever i can to help, i'd be more than happy to. thank you for coming to me, i hope with all my heart that you're okay and your family too

[trouticide]

as someone who really vibes with the way that lixxen described Charlie's gender, I will put in my 2 cents: some people are so disinterested in the idea of gender or binaries that even labels like nonbinary or genderfluid or trans are kind of dysphoria inducing. I don't identify with any gender nor with any trans identity because it just doesn't make sense to my brain. I think Charlie would be similar because there is seemingly no conscious decision for when or why he identifies a certain way and he really doesn't seem to care. Also, I think everyone has their own headcanon about how Charlie/Joyce identifies and how they experience gender, and that's largely based on an individual experience with gender. So if you don't really get it or relate to OP's interpretation, maybe it's just because that is their own personal way of seeing things. It doesn't mean you can't headcanon charlie as fluid or trans, just that we all see things differently. hope my rambling makes sense, and it is sent with positivity and respect!! and I am not trying to speak over the OP who has their own insight, or anyone else, we are all unique!

(sorry for anon, i would reblog but i'm not out and some people know about my blog)

ok just to be totally clear, i experience gender the same way and agree with OPs interpretation. however i am also going through a major identity crisis and have been trying to figure out if i specifically am trans or if this is just an autistic gender expression thing. so when i reblogged and said what i said it wasn't meant to be taken as a disagreement. i was looking for clarification because i super identified with it and i'm confused about myself lol i have a lot of trauma similar to charlie's and i operate pretty similarly in my life because of it, so it's been therapeutic for me to use his character arch to help me work through some other things. for a huge part of my life i didn't identify with any gender identity at all because i experienced what you mentioned about all labels feeling dysphoric. i still feel that way but i think that may be able to be resolved if i actually take the time to think about it critically and *try* to find a label. i don't really understand labels, similarly to you it just doesn't make sense to me. but i'm at a point in my life where i think i have to work through the pain and discomfort of it and learn to understand it because the anxiety i feel from not having a label is too overwhelming to ignore. up until this point ive just dressed freely and acted freely so i didn't really have to look at labels at all. same thing with sexuality, i just dated who i wanted to. but that got me into a lot of trouble, i ended up with a man for three and a half years when im absolutely an acespec lesbian. i didn't know that at the time though because the thought of labeling my sexuality very deeply stressed me out. but now that ive figured it out and worked through it that stress is gone and i can start actually living my life. i think i could go through the same thing with this, even if i do end up just settling on no labels or that this is just how i experience gender as an autistic person, completely unrelated to being trans. i really don't know yet, but i know no harm will come from me thinking about it and asking questions. all input is good input, so i appreciate this ask!! so yeah tldr agree with everything you and @lixxen said i'm just using joyce as a vent kin to figure out whether im trans or just autistic and gnc

[goatpaste]

can we see your sbr Giorno's friends?

yknow i was gonna just draw Gio with maybe one or two of the ideas for lil buddies she'd have and talk about them a bit

but per usual I went over the top and drew her a whole main group of friends so here you hope this is what you wanted

a solid lil group of five that vary in how much iv fleshed them out,, i just have for sure i wanted a lil Lisa Lisa type lady to be in Gios group, and settled on all of them being named after Renaissance paintings and painters.

I dont have much thought out in the ways of them meeting one another or any goals for them, or stand abilities or much of that. But know that these guys are FRIENDS and can fit SO many issues in them <33

I do think giving it a more p4 storyline kinda vibe thats more center to one small area problem and being on the more slice of life style of story telling could be fun...

Mona, the oldest of this lil rag tag group, meant to be a lot like a Lisa Lisa type for the group ^^

im thinking shes the only non stand user of their group but mm debating it truly. I imagine a more focus on her character as one of the last of the guards to be full tried in spin for this use. if she had a stand to any degree it be like gyro where its hardly a thing.

I also do like the idea of her having history or forming a connection with Jorge with him being a reoccurring character through Giorno as the two grew up kinda distant but fairly close none the less form of cousins to one another.

Taking, obviously a bit of inspo from the Pucci's on this one. Floridian man struggles with microaggressions on multiple different fronts, loses faith in god and struggles to figure out how to see the good in life.

I dont know much of what i wanna do with his stand but Daisy did suggest an invisibility facet to them,,, potentially thinking to take some inspo from portal on this one specifically with the slime they introduce with being able to build up speed or make bouncy floors and stuff, something along those lines but a lil more built up,,,

very silly wild girl kinda character, a real richy rich philanthropist type. All talk, wouldnt know how to handle herself if things went wrong for her for even a second.

i have NO idea what to do with her stand ability I just really like the idea of it being made out of fashion magazine clippings (again ty Daisy for such a baller suggestions)

Of course theres our protag main girl, Giorno. Daughter of Diego and Hot Pants. Named after Diegos mother's maiden name. Very much meant to be like a mixture of P5 Giorno and Trish. Giorno whos a lil louder and meaner and has a bit of a more broken moral compass most of the time but is just more or less broken as a person who cant seem to be able to snuff out that last little golden light in her heart that tells her to do good.

Her stand Born to be, which is the name I think I'm 100% settling on for it... im still not 100% sold on what I exactly want its power to be, but I am thinking it would be like a "healer" type stand of the group and having a "mending" like ability with being able to patch anything together or treat any material like fabric and sew it to other materials like a brick wall to clothing fabric. or sewing parts of concrete together to make a wall... just throwing some ideas at the wall, seein what sticks.

And! last and youngest member of the group, Venus. A bit of a loner who has suddenly found herself glued to Gios click and cant seem to figure out why shes so terribly fascinated with being around them. Yes Mona is teaching her spin and Gio is like a russian doll with layers she wants to unwrap, but she doesn't need to hover around them everyday for that... So she's kinda wonder what the deal with that is? is it? a sense of found family??? or?? something? gross..

As for her stand i again dont have anything set in stone beyond it being able to do stuff with technology, maybe like an old school paisy park kinda beast. maybe something to do with noises,,,

I do like the idea of Venus learning spin from Mona and Venus using it like a dog toy for Atomic dog and playing fetch with it as a way to incorporate her stand ability with her spin ability.

[datastate]

hi... 🙋‍♀️ id like to know more about your mr c dies au but im unsure where to start since ive seen you mention it from time to time...

i wanna know how emiri would behave and feel in a situation like that... theres already a contrast in what emiri says and does and what michiru says and does and how they both tie into asunaro SO do you have any kai and emiri interactions in mind?

theyre both really interesting in general and its a shame they only have the frying pan interaction in the game... for now (smiles darkly)

looks at you so sweetly... here's how emiri & kai both being begrudgingly trapped in a timeloop can still win-- but that. is an entirely separate & less fleshed out au. still very fun to me though <3

in any case! :D

because of the amount of characters i'm balancing, emiri's only accepted into asunaro's inner circle only a few months after mr. chidouin has already died (she was previously quite restricted) & the conflicts have (mostly) settled down, -- however, because of his role as the leader of asunaro, there's still reference to the absence he's left; even if it's only implied through the characters surrounding her. it really formed a bit more resentment + feeling of inferiority with the thought that she was only brought in to speed up work on the death game, even if she's been intended to join for a while now...

but i digress. even after being accepted, emiri and kai are separated because of kai's position as the aide/sage of asunaro's godfather. thus, he has the privilege to the same sort of privacy that the heirs of the original hades incident were granted... but when the initial assignment he was given (surveying the chidouins) is expanded into some of the other candidates, that is when he must interact more often with the asu-agents we know, who are focused on the technological development of the death game.

i focus more on emiri w the others (mainly michiru), but... some of the key scenes i have in mind for kai & emiri specifically. smiles.

even though it takes a little working, i do find it fun specifically having emiri confront kai on the hopelessness of all he's trying to do. he finds the malicious manner in which she kills people to be in poor taste, but it's clear to her he's had to (or would) kill to keep the chidouins safe. and, sure, she'll give it to him that it's a nice gesture. but when does the bloodshed end? he knows asunaro's going to crop up again somewhere, sometime, and as long as it has its hands on the people he cares about, they're going to be held hostage. hell - even the ais... they're holding the idea of sara hostage. is there something in their bloodline that just makes them the most arrogant bastards, or is he just stupid?

emiri has... a lot of potential and is well aware of this. it's the only thing she truly does know about herself -- is that she's resilient, and can push herself past any previously imagined breaking points to prove she still has this value if she has no right to anything else in her life.

it's. difficult for her to see gashu, especially, as a reflection of what she could have if she was truly respected within the organization -- and even he's still left to the whims of what the organization needs. it's alive in its own right and devours even those who've helped it survive this long. from mr. chidouin, to those of her similar position who are killed to settle petty conflicts between the patriarchs, even to complete innocents like her partner who endure something crueler for the sake of asunaro's privacy... civilians who don't know why they were played with before they died, or even how asunaro had trapped them.

and yet kai believes he can pressure this destructive force to work for him. but she's learned from experience just how impossible it is to fight the tide. she's surviving, but kai's fighting to live. it's a losing battle, and it's almost frustrating to see him actually make progress through it when he shouldn't. emiri's only salvation is in the destruction of asunaro, but because kai's grown up within it and seen how it overcomes each attack against it, he also has an idea of how to mislead or blind it. it's been a given in his life since the beginning, so he knows how to anticipate it -- a chance she was never given because of the safety she harbored for most of her life. it's such an interestingly strange sort of exchange seeing two people who feel as if they've lost everything, including any standard for morality, now trying to recreate their lives from the ground up.

& of course... whether kai means to or not, he is making it more difficult for not only emiri, but michiru too, to make their way through asunaro without also becoming a target. which is also a source of conflict for how he treats them as compared to civilians that he can still "save" before asunaro gets to them -- which, as a thought that emiri verbally reinforces, ironically means he cannot save sara from it. even after her father's death, kai's moved in and is still putting them in danger through association + the fact that asunaro is so ingrained in who he is. the other agents have seen the worst of it, and emiri cynically believes that this is who kai 'truly' is, but. gah. even if it's untrue, the only one with the heart to counter emiri here would be michiru, because she was there for the point that kai began to change... and is still the only person within asunaro that she can say she trusts, and that he trusts in return.

... in essence: emiri resents kai for overcoming what asunaro is trying to enforce (similarly to gashu in the main game, he's breaking the new rules she's presently trying to adapt to so that she can find her standing), and yet also betraying concern as someone who's already lost her life. even if kai can navigate asunaro well -- he shows that painfully well in how he regards most other agents -- he still doesn't understand the amount of ways that asunaro can invade everyday life. even if he gets rid of the ais, of the patriarchs, of whoever and whatever else that's keeping the death game project running... how will he explain it to sara. emiri's been in that position of having asunaro's actions hidden from her, she's experienced that helplessness first-hand. does he have any idea the sort of resentment and fear he's embedded in the very people he thinks he's saving? does he even understand the guilt that will be left when asunaro finally catches up to him? he's acting like an agent, still paying into this belief that all things are a matter of equivalent exchange, of give and take, with his life being no different. but he can't live like that, and he's stifling everyone around him through surviving like this.

it's one of the first warnings, you know... sara will find out. and who knows if she'll have the heart to forgive someone like you, really. she doesn't even know you anymore, or did she ever? are you too arrogant to look past what you're doing, and ask what she wants before you arrange your grand scheme? don't you see you're no different from him?

[darlinguistics]

i just finished my first week at my summer job! its a summer camp, im in their program for their special needs campers, so i got assigned to an inclusive bunk where im the advocate for two little boys. not gonna lie i was super overwhelmed, i think i cried more days than i didnt but i think thats more to do with how long these days are (i leave my house at 7:30am, get home at 6pm!) and how i dont really have a break the whole time (not even the ride to/from where im a bus counselor for more kids). ive been super excited to start this job since i got it in the spring too, so the rough adjustment period hit me even harder because i felt like i was failing or not as qualified as i thought i was, etc etc. but now the week is over and i think im largely out of that funk. its still a bit much, still more than im used to, but i think me and the kids themselves have settled into the new environment a bit better now and we all can think a bit more clearly. and when i stop focusing on all the little parts of my days that stress me out, i realize im doing a pretty good job so far! and my kids are so lovely and as long as im doing right by them im doing exactly whats expected of me.

last time i was working with kids regularly was an internship last year, but that was just a few hours a week at a preschool and i wasnt assigned to any specific kids. but even then i remember the headspace id get in right before and after those shifts. at the time i was reprocessing a lot of my own childhood as i had just moved away from home for the first time and let things catch up to me. so i remember taking any slight cause of upset in those kids so personally, getting so defensive and protective of them and so stuck in thinking about how 'unfair' being a kid was at times and the inevitable damage that is done, how growing up and aging is kind of just inherently a bit traumatic it seems, even if you do everything 'right' and there was no way i could 'save' them from it. or in other words i was just a softie and a pushover lol. that was a year ago though and definitely a reflection of what i was going through at the time, now im in a different place of course. now im a little more self-focused admittedly, and i moreso catch myself being sensitive about the interactions i have with my adult coworkers now more than the kids. but whats getting me is how much i realize i relate to my two boys, but that i didnt have any advocate or anyone like that assigned to me growing up. but when i work with them on things like mental rigidity or strong senses of justice, all-or-nothing thinking, decision overload, shut down/freeze responses.. i occasionally get imposter sydrome realizing that i myself still struggle with those things more than i want to admit and who am i to coach a child through them when i clearly still struggle? doing in essence the same things at the same time as them with my adult peers, but no one is pulling me aside or gently redirecting me when i do it.

but anyways its a good job. and i should be able to get home a bit earlier starting next week which is both a small but huge win i cant wait for. im hoping now that im less on edge with all the newness i can be more mindful too, cuz i know that from how i was raised my instinct can be to 'just deal with it, even if its hurting me to do so i am clearly the odd one out so just pretend you understand to spare everyone elses feelings while hurting yourself quietly' and i obviously so do not want to let myself unconsciously encourage any of that to my kids. im confident i know how to teach and model healthier ways for them, i just know that if i dont take care of myself and let myself get too overwhelmed i might slip. so i want to be kinder to myself and advocate for myself too, for their sake as well as mine. so im taking full advantage of this weekend to recover as selfishly as i want, filling my own cup before pouring it out for others, as my therapist would say <3

[istherewifiinhell]

back on the grief train woo woo (day recap) (most serious skip warning yet)

i have a predilectiction to not wanting to record or remember when (like the specific when in time) bad things happen. but in the last couple years of blogging, and i guess the year and change of drawing ive found a lot more appeal of recall. so i wonder if its not so bad to. record the bad. at any rate i dont think. not recording it makes it less real. which i think is the fear. and. my head is doing it anyway.

im doing this coping method questionable activity here instead of a journal becauseeee??? natural format my brains prefers i suppose.

to recap. the bad horrible no good very bad day

- i went to sleep late, as usual. i wake late. same. i prelong getting out of bed. also same. scrolling idly (or 'pre scrolling' the dash. i dont know why i do it)

- screams. screams and distress and misery and comforting a screaming distressed person. various talking down of hysterical lines of thought. (thats not an insult. 1. circumstances 2. understood behavioural trends) the joint and mouth gear i sleep in dont even come off until the screaming is done. have u every pet someones head in a wrist brace?

- lots and lots of crying. more comforting. the gear comes off. i brush my teeth. exhausted sitting and hovering around the. scene of the incident.

- migration to kitchen as food needs win out. all doors shut and all living beings collect. toast is eaten. water drank. etc.

- backup arrives. infomation is gathered. places are looked up and called. plans are formed. actions are taken. i mentally catalogue setimental, soothing, but give upable fabrics.

- i rip up threadbare torn bed sheets. i have to figure out how to get my dead cat into a box.

-he was around 12-15 pounds. we called him toddler sized and shaped. he had a mean punch and strong grasp. i taught him to sit on my shoulders, sometimes.

- realise how much heavier he is now. i cry. i cover him with the sheet. i somehow get it under him. hes stiff. even the tail. i cry. i pet his fur. i sob getting him into the box.

- backup apologizes. im on my knees. wailing. i think. definetly louder than anything ive done yet. backup gestures the dog at me. knowing my situation. distressee entered at some point. gets a hug from back up. i think i am gestured into the hug. i gesture down. im on the floor.

- i wail and am hugged.

- i am invited on the trip to the place. i gestures to my face. my sleep clothes. i dont see it happening. im told i dont need to be strong all the time. i reiterate. i really just wouldnt be able to get my glasses and a mask on.

- i dont see the box. i dont see much. at i dont remember if i have tea now or earlier. i soon as i hear the car go. im crying again. the sister cat meowing didnt help. i dont actually know or belief if that. i have no idea what she experiences. shes a cat. but. yeah.

- blogging happens? sometime happens? people return.

- im told. four years ago he developed a heart murmer. apparently thats a thing. 4 years. bengin to. serious.

- blogging happens. as well as algorithmic irony. i am asked if i want to watch something. i say. shower first. i forget ever song ive ever heard. for a moment. i settle on the album pocket.

- eventually i come down. i get food. we watch a movie. its a good movie. i have a nice exchange with a friend during too.

- i watch some dishes and realise. bizarrely. my old manager might find out about this. the vet was near to my job. the guy was friends with the techs. this was the kind of infomation he would share with me at times.

- youtube videos until the group disbands.

- i start recounting this my head

- i am wearing pjs i dont like. whatever the level for snotty sleeves where u chuck a set in the hamper has surely been met.

- typing this. using a spare pillow case as a hanky

- im gonna go and try and find the horse traqulizer of pleasant youtube videos.

[cosmic-cd]

i post about hazel a lot but

i think my fursona RGB is like. such a winner because specifically she is both a blorbo and also "ohhhh my god she's so me"

id been struggling on settling on a fursona for so long before i hit upon RGB- who wasn't even initially??? supposed to be my fursona????? at all?????????

just a random protogen design that like, ended up sticking

for years after the fact. and now i have a 3D model of her steadily in the works and plushie of her that is like, half as big as me

what is wrong with her. i love her so much. if i didnt spend so much money on the plush i'd pour milk on her and throw her at a wall. (i wont though)

and well like, i think the secret of her lasting so long is i finally figured out the ideal blend of fictional character to oh that's just straight up me TM

my first two fursonas kinda flopped and ended up as OCs because they were too distant from me- karra's really serious at this point and has siblings (i'm an only child) and while comet's actually not too far off from RGB personality-wise, she's also developed as a character in away (again with siblings, i don't have any) that differs too much from me- but i value them both as OCs, so this isn't a loss by any measure

then came nova, who doesn't really look or act like me, but i thought at the time that if i adamantly didn't give her any backstory, she'd stick. and she did stick for a while! but for varying reasons, i ended up dropping her (but i might give her a lite redesign sometime- keep her as an OC or little mascot either way) and in hindsight- she never really felt like me, even if i liked her

there was a time before nova and after nova where i didn't have a fursona- i had hazel off and on in varying forms as a representation of me, but she was only made official a little before nova was a thing- and while hazel is solid "oh yeah that's me babey" department, and i have Fursona Edition Hazel, she doesn't really cover the base of "having a fursona" for me

does that make sense???? i cannot explain to you why i need so many fursonas. it's so hard to explain but hazel and RGB fulfill two separate ecological niches.

i had some misc fursonas that lasted maybe a year at maximum, but usually like. a few months, spread over the course of a few years before RGB came about

RGB wasn't even immediate. it was kind of a slow roll of a headworld kinda failing to make any traction, my previous fursona at the time not really sticking but me having cool ideas on having an interdimensional traveler on purpose OC- i kept designing and accumulating characters that i wanted to use but had no use for

and then RGB suddenly clicked with me, i settled on the DIMENSION/CROSS concept, and i've been chipping away at developing it through just. thinking really hard about my guys & roleplaying with them. (the delight of having OCs that can visit friends' OCs any time they want for any reason)

and i keep waiting to fall out of love with her but it just.

hasn't happened yet!

i actually came close because some part of me feels like RGB's design isn't actually that great and got worried she's just kind of a visual mess. but i dunno, some really kickass art i've received made me feel better. i started drawing her consistently the way i want too, so i feel like. a lot more solidified in loving her and enjoying her as a character!!!

it's weird, because RGB has a lot of story. backstory, even. distinct from me as a person. she's a lot more boisterous and loud and irresponsible. dare i say cool when she's not being a little stupid. but, a lot of that's a veneer- that's what she wants you to see. inside, when all that's stripped away, she's still just me. she's the 8ft tall space captain on a road trip with her friends that i wish i could be! but despite that, ive never felt closer to any character i've ever come up with before and that makes me really happy

she is SO fun to write. she has like, so much emotional baggage she's running away from because she doesn't want to be compared to hazel (who is soggy and miserable and 🥺 and a nerd) but we all know they are the same.

tl;dr i love my fursona. she's a loser. this post is really long.

[ghirahimbo]

Life advice question… Okay here it goes: I have been dating someone who I love very much for more than a year. Let’s call him Joe. It’s a crazy long story, but I have loved him since highschool which was 9 years ago now. We were never together until a year ago but we were friends as teenagers. In 2021 I made a lot of mistakes including marrying someone for 6 months who was wrong for me because of guilt and religion but I never forgot about Joe all along. I moved back with my mom after the divorce from my failed “marriage” in 2021 and reconnected with my long lost love. I know I want to be with Joe and we are thinking of moving in together but my mom and my grandparents will look down on me because they believe that you shouldn’t move in together before marriage. It hurts so much because I too have these thoughts internalized from religious trauma but I want to live with him so bad but I’m scared of my family’s response. They already see me as a dumb slut for staying over with him on the weekends. I already tried the no sex, no anything before marriage thing and I ended up with a lying, psychopathic narcissist that used religion against me so I really don’t believe that it is the right choice for everyone. I know you grew up in a religious home too so you might understand. What should I do? I’m so scared. I’m getting older now and everyone else seems to have moved on with their lives and settled down. My boyfriend says he wants to live together at least a little while before getting married which is understandable because you don’t really know somebody until then, which I experienced first hand.

I feel like I can’t handle the judgment of my family, but I want to be with the love of my life. He comes from a much more relaxed background which sees sex and relationships as natural and without a strict timeline. It’s so much pressure when my mom always says I had a five year old and was married at your age all the time, why doesn’t he love you, what’s going on? she says he’s just using me and doesn’t care about me because he hasn’t proposed within a year, which hurts me so much, and is far from the truth, but when I hear it all the time it messes with my head. I try to explain my choices and my relationship but I just go mute and shut down. I’ve always loved your writing, and although it’s cringy to say, I feel like I relate a lot to Link never forgetting about and loving Ghirahim (my boyfriend is eccentric, artistic, sensual and wild at times, but that’s why I love him) in your story and everyone not understanding and worrying. It hit me on such a deep level to read even years ago. Ive never loved anybody like I love my boyfriend, and I don’t want to marry some random guy because he is “perfect” in my family’s perspective. What do you think I should do in this situation, it just feels so crushing and depressing at times? I’m just trying to live my life and follow my heart without feeling so much guilt and shame. Thank you for reading.

Hi, anon! That is a lot 💖 Deep breath. It's going to be okay 🫂

You're right, I was raised in a very religious home—Mormon, specifically. Looking back, I think a lot of Blind, But Now actually arose from my complicated feelings about disentangling from the beliefs I grew up with, but I hear that it makes a good metaphor for other scenarios, as well. I'm glad you found something to relate to 💖

A few grains of salt before I attempt to offer any advice (along with the general caveats thrown in that I'm not any sort of professional, your mileage may vary, etc, etc):

I can't speak to the specifics of your relationship with Joe, though in a way, that's almost beside the point. It sounds like you've known him for a long time, and you love and trust him enough to want to continue the relationship. No red flags jump out at me from your telling of things (lmao except maaaybe you comparing him to Ghirahim, but I'm going to assume you didn't mean that too literally 😂). It's definitely the widely accepted practice outside of religious circles to move in together before marriage (or with no intention to marry), and his asking does not at all indicate a lack of love.

I also talked to my sister a little bit about this because, to be honest, I'm the only one of my siblings who actually did the whole no living together/sex before marriage thing 🙃 The only reason my marriage has worked out as well as it has is because my husband and I have both grown a lot in similar directions since getting married, but it still has its complications.

That all being said, this is actually the best possible time for you to start looking to disentangle yourself from a living situation that's causing you so much stress and shame. I personally am the type of person to contort myself into knots to keep the peace, often to my own detriment. I think you might relate. Still, imagine the kinds of decisions you'll have to make down the line to keep that peace, and what your life might look like as a result. Imagine if your first marriage had resulted in children before you left it (as an aside, generally speaking, early 20s with a five year old is NOT the aspirational lifestyle some people make it out to be 😂). The longer you wait, the more you let your life seep into the cracks of least resistance, the higher your exit cost will be later on. As hard as it is (and it is hard!) this is the perfect stage of life to rip the bandaid, so to speak.

The next thing I'll say is that even if you weren't looking to move in with a romantic partner, I would still be suggesting that you start looking for a way to get out from under your mom's roof. Now obviously, I don't know your exact situation. There might be circumstances or disabilities on your part that make financial stability nearly impossible—and either way, "become financially stable" isn't exactly actionable advice on its own. 😜

What I can say is that there is a freedom and relief you can experience once you don't have your moms' words in your ear every day—freedom that I doubt you experienced during those six months with an emotionally abusive husband. All of my siblings found it much easier to develop their own personal belief systems outside of my parents' house, and my parents don't use language even a tenth as shaming as your mom seems to. I even know somebody right now who's working on a career training program with the goal of getting out of their religious dad's house who they know won't accept their queer identity.

Moving in with Joe could hopefully make that goal more financially achievable in the short term, and I really think that in itself would help you a lot—but I guess I would caution you not to consider that an end to things, either? There are reasons that your living situation with Joe might fall apart aside from the relationship not working out, and I don't know that it would be good for you to have to go back home afterwards if it did. Just... keep the long-term future in mind, I guess. If you don't feel beholden to your family for financial support, you won't feel so beholden to their belief system, either.

With alllll that being said, just from reading your message, I think you still have a lot of religious trauma to work through (which is totally understandable!). I can't quite get a feel for your current state of belief (nor, I'm realizing now, do you specify the religion itself? For some reason, I've been imagining an evangelical situation, though I guess there are plenty of other possibilities). Maybe *you* don't even know your current state of belief.

I know that the advice to get therapy gets thrown around a lot as if it's not often a difficult or expensive thing to obtain, but if you do have the means, I think the right therapist could really help you work through some of your beliefs and shame. If not, I would seek out a community—if not one to participate in, then at least one to observe. Maybe there's a podcast you could listen to, or a subreddit you could lurk in—something to help you realize not only that you aren't alone in your situation, but that there are others who have made it through to thrive on the other end. If some of these feel too intense—if, for example, you don't want to abandon your beliefs entirely—then only take what you need and don't feel pressured into anything you're not ready for. As somebody taking the first, hesitant steps out of Mormonism, I wasn't ready to deal with accusations of ill-intent or subterfuge against church leaders, or sacred things made light of, or speculations that Joseph Smith's visions stemmed from mushrooms, or really any of the bitterness typical of exmos in their angry phase. I just needed to see how the church and its teachings were causing people harm on a systemic level and take my own steps from there.

As for moving in with Joe against your family's wishes, know that it will be hard, but you are not the first, and not alone 💖 When my sister first moved in with her boyfriend, my parents really struggled with how to handle it, but eventually decided not to bring it up, hoping, I think, to be the soft place to land if things went south. Her boyfriend's parents took it much worse, judging them verbally and constantly until her boyfriend, with boundary setting skills that I envy, finally told his parents that they couldn't continue on like that AND keep him in their lives. Things were really rocky there for a few years, but even they've reached a state of equilibrium since then.

Parents' reactions to their children's decisions are as varied as the parents themselves, but a few things I can say: even if they come from a place of love, your mom's words to you right now are not helpful or loving. Her truth is not your truth, nor must her values be your values. While I don't subscribe to the idea that we don't owe anyone anything in this life, what you owe your mom does NOT extend to your life lived in a way that she would approve of. Rather, as a parent, it's her responsibility to realize that children grow up to be their own people and love you anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of—and though it doesn't always feel that way, your 20s are still young. As hard as it is right now to take the leap, years from now, you'll be so glad that you did 💖

Again, this is all based on my own perspective from a limited view of things, but I hope there's something helpful to take from all this 😅 Wishing you all the love and luck!

[olivieraa]

I went to bed really upset last night

I think there was a variety of factors that made me into a bit of an emotional mess after finishing attack on titan

Its like "its just an anime" or "its just a show"

Firstly, it was the anime/show that's been in my life the longest. 2013-2023. I associate a lot of my tumblr posts with the show. I called any character Kaji Yuki voiced in any other anime 'Eren' for fun. My time watching the first season is so vivid to me. I remember so much about analysing this show, and talking about it with friends.

Secondly, due to my OCD, the O stands for obsessive, and that connects to a lot of things, but its extremely hard to get me out of my Obsessive mode. I actually planned to make this rewatch last a couple of months. I was like "ah yeah Ive seen season 1 three or four times so its not gonna be that entertaining watching it again, I'll try watch a few a day". ...That didn't happen. I dont know why or how, but season 1 felt v different to me. I still got chills, I still got shocked when something happened, I would finish an ep and have the urge to scream from the adrenaline that went through me when something intense happened before a cliffhanger, almost as if I didnt know what was gonna happen next.

The reason I put off watching the show immediately after it ended is bc I'm aware this happens to me and its hard to get out of it. In my head I thought my obsessive nature wouldn't come around until I got to season 3 which I hadn't seen before and I thought I'd get to season 3 by mid-January. But from the absolute get-go, it kicked in, and from 7pm on the 21st of Dec to 4am on 26th of Dec, I binged the absolute fuck out of the show, taking breaks to do essential things like eat and shower. I barely slept.

So needless to say, I've only just come back to reality.

Third, I'm emotional af. Stories impact me on a really high scale, and I start to get stomach aches and chest pains bc of it. Esp if the story is magnificent. I finished that show last night and when I saw "The end", I was still crying, I hurt all over, and I just happened to be lucky that a friend who has seen it (and shockingly, doesn't watch anime) replied back to me and we talked about for a little bit. It helped to rant it out a bit but my sleep deprivation caused me to make so many typos and I officially had to sleep, which was hard, due to the chest pains.

And fourth, I believe what I just watched was perfection. To ever rewatch the show again, I'll see everything differently. Everything. The first 5 seconds of the show will be different. And when I'd had that realisation, I started crying again.

Like, I'm thinking of moments in the show that are literally just "characters swinging around and slashing titans" which is what the show was first known for, and now I'll be thinking "holy shit, these scenes have a bigger significance than you realise".

And for a show that's not about romance, the romantic tragedy that ties it all together, is what got me more than anything.

If this show gave off a vibe that the creator never knew where he was going with it, then I dont think it would be as impactful. As someone who loves Stranger Things, not everything ties up perfectly. And maybe the creators had an idea of their ending and then had to figure out how to get there, but it doesn't show. I've a feeling that by the end of that show, I'll be thinking that they ran through different drafts for their ending and finally settled on one and brought back a few tiny moments from the other seasons that ties it in and boom, done.

But almost every moment of attack on titan comes full circle, to the extreme point that I believe he wrote this whole thing out, almost every millimetre of it, and then released it at a specific pace up until recent years, and then obviously the anime adapted it. Yes he could have made slight changes along the way like "I originally wanted this character to say this line but changed it to this character cause it was more fitting" or something like that, but nothing that would really change anything about the direction he was heading with it.

Do I regret binging it? Yes, bc I have loads to do that I now have get stuck into with v little breaks (SnK was SUPPOSED to be my breaks), but also, mainly, bc I felt like I was there. Like when you're away from home for a month and you come back and everything feels weird and sorta wrong. So that's a learning lesson to myself. Never binge again.

Last time I did that was with Succession, but I'm just lucky that Obsessive mode kicked in about 20 eps in (so the first 20 I watched one a day), and so when Obsessive mode came in, it was for the second set of 20 episodes).

Unlike SnK where I watched almost 100 eps in 5 days :')))

Anway, I'll be thinking about this fucking show for a while, especially Eren. Especially Eren. He's just too complex, and I like to analyse, and that's some long analysation.

Also Mikasa and Levi impacted me too (Hange is my girl tho).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm glad I wrote this out. My thoughts are going through my head way too fast for my typing to keep up so I've had to slow down my thoughts and so my breathing is a little better this time around lmao

I'ma miss this show, and I look forward to the day I rewatch it and take every speckle of the show in again. Knowing my ass, it'll be on my next break which is sooner than I'd like it to be, cause I know what my addictive obsessive ass is like. Ugh, I'm a wreck