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lis-likes-fics · 4 years

Text

Concussed

Pairing: Carlisle Cullen x Reader Word Count: 8,820 words smh jfc Warnings: Car crash, many injuries, idk Author’s Note: Okay... maybe I got a little carried away. I did tell you guys I was going to end up writing a couple about him. I’m going through my phase, lemme alone. There will be a part two for certain reasons.

~~~~~

The sound of Chief Swan’s car parking in his driveway next door didn’t phase Y/N. It was when she heard the people talking where she decided to go to her window and see what was going on. She opened the window and stuck her head out of it in curiosity. She saw Charlie and Billy, a very familiar face, play fighting in Charlie’s driveway next to the red pickup that had been parked there for a few days.

She looked over and saw Jacob, another familiar face because of his relation to Billy, and a girl. Y/N smiled when she realized just who the girl was. She waved out of her window like a child, “Hey, Bella!”

The group looked over and saw her peering down at them with the smile plastered on her face. Billy and Jacob smiled and waved, Charlie gave a small wave of her own. “Hey, Chief, Billy, Jake.”

“Hello, Y/N. How are you?” Billy asked with a smile.

“Same ole, you know me,” she responded.

A smile slowly spread across Bella’s face as the recognition settled in, “Y/N, it’s been forever, how are you?”

She smiled, “Hey, Bells. I’m good. It’s great to see you again.”

Y/N and Bella used to be great friends. She lived in Forks next to Charlie Swan her whole life. Her parents died in a car crash when she was very young and she was left with her grandfather, who died when she was sixteen. She began living on her own in the same house, too sentimental to move away. She had Charlie for adult supervision when she needed it, but she was pretty much independent otherwise.

Y/N, Bella, and Jacob used to play together all the time when she lived here with her. When she moved away, it was just her and Jacob. They hung around a little bit afterwards, but lost touch when they got into junior high. Y/N was currently a senior while Bella was a junior. She was a year older than her, which made her two years older than Jacob - another reason they lost touch.

Y/N stuck her head back in her window and made her way down the stairs and out of the house so she could get a better look at the group. She managed to get a short hug from Bella before they started talking again.

Billy smiled, “And there’s the trio. I miss the days you were just little kids playing in the mud.” Charlie nodded in his silent reminiscing.

Y/N smiled and nudged Bella a little, “Are you still clumsy?”

She chuckled lightly, “Are you?”

She smiled, “Fair enough. One reason we were such good friends-”

“You were both accident prone,” Jacob finished with a laugh.

“Still are. You had to make sure we didn’t get ourselves killed,” Y/N joked. He nodded as he sighed, a smile on his face as he remembered the old days where you were just little kids.

Charlie spoke, patting the truck, “So what do you think of your homecoming gift?”

Bella’s eyes widened in wonder and she looked from the truck to the people standing around her, “No way. The truck is for me?”

Charlie nodded, “Just bought it off Billy here.”

Jacob smiled, “I rebuilt the engine and-”

“It’s perfect!” She beamed, rushing to the truck with Jacob in tow. Y/N stuck by the window with a smile as she watched them. Bella got in and was given an overview by the long-haired boy while she rolled down the window for Y/N.

She turned to Jacob, “Maybe I can give you a ride to school.”

He shook his head regrettably, “I go to school on the reservation.”

Y/N spoke, “Maybe you can give me a ride. Jacob’s fixing my car right now and I’ve been snatching rides from a couple friends from school.”

She smiled, “Yeah, that��d be fine. It’ll be nice knowing at least one person there.”

She nodded, “Everyone’s super nice, for the most part. You should make friends quickly.”

Over the next couple of weeks, Bella, like everyone, was instantly interested in the Cullens. They were always the attention grabbers of the school, but no one hung out with them or thought well of them because they never hung out with anyone other than themselves. They were a strange group and they got a lot of unnecessary thoughts and names because of it. Y/N didn’t mind them. They were interesting and that was that.

Unlike the Cullens, especially Edward, he was interested in Bella as well. It took awhile for that to come to light, he’d run off after her first day at school. She’d told Y/N all about it on the way back home after school and, while it was strange, it wasn’t too strange for the Cullens. After some quick reassurance, they were fine.

When Edward returned, so did Bella and Y/N’s chat about him. She was sitting in her car, the window rolled down on the driver’s side so she could chat with Bella while she stood outside of the car. “This homework is ridiculous. You’re lucky you have another year before you have to do this,” Y/N complained as she stared at the sheet.

Bella wasn’t paying much attention, her gaze shifting from her own homework to Edward staring at her from across the parking lot. Y/N sighed and went back to her work before hearing a strange screeching sound coming from the end of the lot.

She looked up and saw a van skidding on the ice, careening out of control, headed directly for them. Y/N moved quickly to attempt getting Bella in the truck before the van crashed. She reached over and got the door opened before Bella noticed the truck, tripping on the ice under her feet and causing her to fall back against the door.

The door slammed hard back into Y/N’s skull and she moved to grab her head, her eyes hurting as she squeezed them shut. When the truck rocked back and forth slightly, she opened her eyes again, against the strain, and struggled to look out of the window to see Bella unharmed on the other side.

Her head was hurting too much for her to question how Bella got out of that without a scratch. She sighed and got back to her side, letting out a sigh as her dizziness crashed into her like the door did to her skull. Her vision strained as it sunk in and out.

Her headache began to sink in after her ears started ringing. Bella, getting over her shock, stood and turned to the window to see if you were okay. “Y/N?” She asked, her eyes wide and concern slipping into her voice. Her voice sounded muffled and distant, she could barely make out what Bella was saying.

She looked at Bella with unfocused eyes, “I’m fine.” Her words were slurred, barely hearing her own words over the ringing in her ears. People moved to look when they realized she was in the truck as well.

Students started swarming over to her side, looking in through the open window. They spoke in a choir of mumbles and muffled questions. Someone pushed his way through the group to look at her. “She needs to go to the hospital,” Y/N didn’t pick up a single word of that, but Bella did.

The last thing she saw before slipping into her first round through consciousness and unconsciousness was someone quickly rushing to get both Bella and Y/N to the hospital.

Y/N sat in the room surrounded by white, her feet hanging off the edge of the hospital bed as she kicked them in front of her. She had her hands steadied on the bed to keep her from falling over from the slight dizziness. The ringing had gone down, but it was still there in the background. Her headache was the only thing that had decided to stick around the way it had before.

She was just trying to convince everyone that she was fine. Just like Bella. She looked across the room at Bella, who was talking with her worried father about the accident. She looked away instead of trying to get her eyes to completely focus, the strain hurt.

When the doors opened, a stunningly handsome doctor came through them with a charming smile. He had icy blond hair, pale, ivory skin, and a smile that could kill. His face is kind, but pale, tired - that didn’t make him any less beautiful. He was drop-dead gorgeous. Y/N was sure she was shot with Cupid’s arrow.

He went straight to Bella first, “I heard the Chief's daughter was in.”

Charlie nodded, “Good. Dr. Cullen.”

Dr. Cullen, the head of the Cullen Family. Well, no wonder he was so beautiful. This was Carlisle Cullen.

He turned to the E.R. doctor, “I’ve got this one, Jackie.” She handed him the chart and left. He reviewed Bella’s chart, then felt the back of her head, “You have a nice knot growing back there, but your x-rays show no indication of concussion.”

Tyler Crowley, who Y/N assumed was the one who hit the truck, spoke, “I’m so sorry, Bella. I’m really-”

He was cut off by Charlie pulling the curtain between them. Yep, he was definitely the one who hit the truck. Y/N watched the interaction with a slightly tilted her. She was focusing in and out, not caring too much about anyone but Dr. Handsome.

Bella muttered, “It would have been a lot worse if Edward hadn’t knocked me out of the way.”

Charlie furrowed his brow, “Edward? Your boy?”

Dr. Cullen looked up before looking back down at the chart. Bella continued, a hidden goal in her words now, “It was amazing he got to me so fast. He was nowhere near me.”

He gave her a smile, “As long as you’re safe.”

Bella sighed and glanced as Y/N, who was visibly spacing in and out. She was still trying to get over her headache, but it was a little hard when it rattled her brain like it did. She was just waiting for a doctor to get to her like they said they would.

Carlisle followed Bella’s gaze to Y/N. At first, it was just a glance before he looked back again with a slight intrigue. He quickly finished up with Bella before turning back to Y/N, walking over to her with a smile on his face. She gave a seemingly distracted smile back and he picked up her chart from beside her, looking over it closely.

“What’s your name?” He asked her, looking back up with that same smile. Only this time, she got a good look at his eyes. They were a magnificent honey gold that would have made her weak at the knees, had she been standing.

Instead, it was substituted by a fluttering in her stomach. But who was she kidding, he was probably already married. He had kids, for God’s sake, adopted or not. She glanced down at his hand while he stared at her chart and felt a little bit of unnecessary hope when she saw no ring.

It didn’t matter, though. He was way out of her league.

She struggled to find her voice for a moment, trying to recall the question before answering in a slurred tone, despite her best efforts to make it clear, “Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N, “ he said, as if tasting her name. He nodded slightly, “How are you feeling?"

She shrugged, “I’m okay.”

Dr. Cullen raised a blond brow very slightly before asking, "Any ringing in the ears? Headache? Dizziness?"

"Maybe a little,” she sighed, the slur becoming painfully obvious. He grabbed a small flashlight from his pocket and checked her eyes, running the rest of his tests. He looked back at the chart and sighed, “You've got a minor concussion."

“Course, I do,” she sighed, laughing weakly, “Brilliant.”

He gave her a sympathizing look and smile, speaking in that calm voice of his, “I want you to try to avoid unnecessary movement of your head and neck as much as possible. Limit your exposure to bright lights and loud sounds. Stay hydrated and get lots of rest. That said...you should be staying home for a couple of days before trying to get back to school."

‘Whatever you want, Doctor,’ was what her mind said before she quickly revised her sentence before she said it impulsively, “Alright. Thanks, Doctor.”

He nodded, “You’re very welcome.”

Dr. Cullen finished up with her before helping her off the bed, his icy cold hand placed on her arm so she didn’t trip and fall, which she was bound to do otherwise. Before they left the hospital, she was scheduled for another check up in two days.

She was rather giddy to know that she’d be seeing the blond beauty again in two days. She could hardly wait. She was driven home by Bella afterwards. She told her, “Hey, really sorry about the concussion. It must hurt.”

Y/N shook her head as she lied, “No, not at all.” She would rather not have people worrying over her. She was a lot like Bella in that area. The “suffer in silence” type.

She looked in her driveway and chuckled humorlessly at her car parked in the driveway. She nodded and walked up to the door. She moved the mailbox next to her door to reveal the small “hole” behind it where the car keys were hidden with a note.

When her grandfather was alive, he would often forget where the keys were so she had to put a spare in that space. She might as well use it since it’s there. The note read, “Finished the car. Good as new. You weren’t here so I dropped it off. -Jake”

She grabbed the keys and the note and went inside the house, closing the door behind her. She immediately got a glass of water and took a nap. She was tired.

But the nap didn’t stop her from thinking about the handsome doctor. If anything, it encouraged her as her mind wandered with fantasies of her and the gorgeous man.

Y/N got in her car on the day of her appointment. She was slightly giddy and she wanted to be annoyed with herself - she was acting like a child going to see her crush. She had to continuously remind herself, ‘Dr. Carlisle Cullen is way out of your league. Ring or not, there was no way he would be interested in you. Wake up.’

The reminders deterred her mood a little bit, but not enough to get her to calm down. She pulled out of the driveway and headed to the Forks General Hospital. After waiting for the nurse to show her to the room she’d be getting her checkup in.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” the nurse called, looking around the room that sat four other people. She looked up, a tight smile on her face, “Right here.”

She gave a soft smile and said, “The doctor will see you now.”

Y/N stood and followed the nurse down the hall. She led her to a room where there was a doctor waiting-- not the doctor she was expecting. The doctor smiled at her as she motioned for Y/N to sit down in front of her. Y/N obeyed, her heart sinking in her chest a little bit.

‘He’s probably not here…’

“How are you,” she asked. Y/N gave a tight smile and shrugged, “I’m okay, thank you.”

“Let’s see what we’ve got,” Dr. Lacey looked at the clipboard, “It says here you got a minor concussion a couple days ago?”

Y/N nodded, “Uh, yes. Dr. Cullen assessed me.”

“Ah, yes,” the doctor said, as if fantasizing now. She shook her head and sighed, “So you're coming in for a checkup?”

Y/N nodded. The doctor nodded back and went through the checkup to make sure everything was in order. She took a little longer than Dr. Cullen had, he was efficient and certain of every move he made.

Y/N stopped and sighed to try and rid her thoughts of the golden eyed doctor. She didn’t need to be thinking about him, it would turn into obsession quickly if she continued to wonder about the doctor.

“Alright, you look alright. Be sure to take it easy, if you must go to school, take it easy,” Dr. Lacey broke her from her thoughts.

Y/N responded with a sigh, “I need to get back to school. But I will take it easy.”

“Alright, then. Drink plenty of fluids and be careful.”

“Will do. Thanks.”

After the checkup, Y/N left the room. Her hands gripped her bag as she walked down the hall. She looked up and saw none other than Dr. Carlisle Cullen walking down the hall her way.

He gave a warm smile, “Hello, Y/N. How is your head?”

She smiled back at him, “It’s better. I just came up for my check up. I...expected to see you...” She very slightly furrowed her brow, looking into his eyes. They weren’t the same honey gold eyes they were, they were darker, more brown than they were before.

He nodded, looking down at the chart in his hand briefly before looking back at her, “Something came up and I wasn’t able to take your case.”

She nodded, “Oh, okay.” He motioned to his clipboard and said, “I’ve got to go. Have a nice day, Y/N.”

She smiled at him again, waving, “Bye, Dr. Cullen.” He nodded with a smile and left. She sighed, turned around, and left.

‘So much for ‘not here’,’ she thought before walking off.

It had been a while since she’d seen Carlisle. She hoped the distance and time would help stop her little fantasies, but it only made them worse. Every day and every night, she found herself thinking of Carlisle Cullen. It was driving her crazy.

She could barely focus on the work in front of her as she waited for her next class to start in the parking lot next to her car. When the bell rang, she sighed and threw her bag over her shoulder, beginning to turn to head back into the school. She paused when she saw Bella walking away and towards the forest that bordered the school.

She shook her head, “Where is she going?” She began to follow her, tell her that class was the other way. As Y/N headed over, she saw Edward headed after Bella. She knew she should have turned the other way and given them their privacy but, if they were missing a class period to do something, it would have been good.

And she was never one to miss out on eavesdropping.

She waited after most of the crowd had cleared before headed into the edge of the forest, walking a little ways longer before she finally saw the pair in the distance talking. She could make out some of what Bella was saying, facing away from Edward as he stood rather strangely behind her.

“...skin is pale-white, ice-cold. Your eyes change color. And sometimes you speak like... you're from a different time,” Bella said, slightly shaken, but not scared. She turned to face Edward now and Y/N furrowed a brow. Her mind wandered back to Carlisle, how his eyes went from gold to dark brown (almost black), how his skin is also pale and cold. She shook her head and turned back to them.

Bella continued, “You never eat food, or drink, or come out in the sunlight. And you said no to the beach trip only after you heard where it was. Because of the treaty.”

‘What treaty?’ she thought. She wasn’t at the beach trip, she turned it down to do homework since she was behind. Before she could think on, Bella spoke again, “How old are you?”

Edward hesitated before speaking, something in his voice that somehow made Y/N cautious and alert, goosebumps rising on her skin from the sudden awareness of all of her escape routes. “Seventeen,” he said.”

Bella continued, “How long have you been 17?”

“A while.”

‘Is she calling him a…’ Y/N couldn’t bring herself to even think of the word. That was absurd! Vampires didn’t exist…

“I know what you are,” Bella said to him, Y/N was barely able to understand but it was audible enough for her to make out.

Edward spoke, his voice firm, edging on chilling, “Say it… Out loud… Say it.”

His tone and his look made Y/N feel a little more frightened than she was before and it was ridiculous. She shouldn’t be scared, he wasn’t a vampire. Was he?

Bella hesitated before finally admitting, “Vampire.”

Edward didn’t deny it and that’s what began to concern Y/N and pierce through her unbelieving thoughts, “Are you afraid?”

She shook her head, “No.”

‘Is Edward…’

His tone was angry now, it only added to Y/N’s fear, “Then ask me the most basic question: what do we eat?”

“You won’t hurt me,” Bella said instead of answering.

The fear that had now stricken Y/N to the core was what completely convinced her that this wasn’t just some weird, strange game the two had going on. Edward was a creature that was believed to just be a myth, this thing that hunted humans for their blood. For food.

Y/N turned around, leaving the forest as quickly as possible before she was found. She didn’t know what to do, so she raced to the parking lot, got in her car, and went home. She could worry about her absence in the rest of her classes later. Right now, she had to make sense of things.

If Edward was a vampire, what does that mean for the rest of his family? Were they all vampires? Was Carlisle…

She didn’t want to think about it. This was absurd, she was crazy. Any moment now, she would wake up from this stupid, sick dream.

No one was a vampire.

But when she didn’t wake up, she was truly surprised and shocked. She got inside as quick as possible and paced around her house anxiously. How long had Bella known? How was she not scared, at least even a little bit? If Edward was a vampire, he had to be dangerous right? Was she safe?

Y/N downed a glass of water to try and calm herself. She needed to calm herself so she could think rationally. After a while, she decided she needed a nap. Maybe a nap would make everything make sense. Or at least calm her enough so she could think straight.

A knock on her door woke Y/N up. She looked at her clock, realizing the time. School had gotten out by now, that could be Bella. She got up and walked cautiously to the door. When she saw Edward on the other side through the peephole, her breath caught in her throat as she stilled.

“Y/N,” he called on the other side. She let out a silent breath, tensed up from her unexpected and potentially dangerous visitor. He spoke again, “I know you're in there. Just let me in, I won't hurt you.”

She thought about it quickly before deciding to just open the door. Her trembling hand landed on the knob and she let out another silent breath before pulling the door opened. She ran a hand through her hand and asked nervously, “Are you all…?”

He sighed, “Can I come in?”

She bit down on her lip and stepped aside, allowing him to step into her home. She closed the door behind him when he was inside and then turned back to him. He gestured for her to sit down and she took the opportunity, looking back up at him anxiously.

“Yes, we're all vampires. Me and my family,” Edward nodded, answering her question.

She thought to herself, ‘Did he know I was there?’

As if he knew what she was thinking, he spoke, “Yes, I knew.”

‘How did you-’

“I can hear what you’re thinking,” he answered her thought once again, “Some of my kind have gifts, I can read minds.”

“Then...why did you let me hear?” She asked. If he knew she was there, He could have easily stopped the conversation until she left, or told her to leave himself.

He shrugged, “I had to break the news to you somehow. The opportunity was right there, so I took it.”

“But why?” She asked him, confusion written in her tone. He sighed and stopped to think for a moment before admitting, “It’s complicated… How is your head?”

Y/N brought her hand up to touch her head as she answered, “Better…” The topic of her head made her think about Carlisle again. Her mind wandered as Carlisle’s face appeared in her thoughts. Only, instead of the golden eyes she remembered seeing that first day, she was met with blood red eyes that pierced into her soul.

Edward shook his head, “Carlisle's no monster. He's anything but. You can trust me on that. He’s the reason for our current lifestyle choice.”

The fear in Y/N’s eyes returned very slightly as she thought about that answer before Edward caught himself, “We consider ourselves vegetarians. We don’t feed on humans, we feed on animals instead. It’s why our eyes aren’t red.”

That calmed her a little more and she turned to play with her hands. She was clearly still shaken and Edward caught onto that. He spoke through the silence that began to settle, “I should be going…”

He stood and turned to the door. He placed his hand on the door knob before turning back to her, “Y/N… please know that we aren’t going to hurt you.”

She considered her words before allowing them to make sense in her head. If they were going to hurt her, they would have done it already. She nodded, “Okay.” He nodded to her, before finally turning and leaving.

She thought about her visit from Edward a lot after that-- not nearly enough to be more than she thought about Carlisle, but it was a close second. His words calmed her more, they seemed sincere enough for her to be able to believe. But she was still shaken and working on the believing part.

She still went to school. She decided her fear shouldn’t be enough to put her further behind than she already was by missing just two days of school before and then half a day after the big reveal. She was wary of the Cullens, but she wasn’t scared of them. If she was, it wasn’t as much as when she first learned of their secret.

Their eyes seemed to watch her sometimes, as if they were trying to see every move she made, waiting for a slipup. She assumed it was because she knew their secret. She wouldn’t tell anyone, she wouldn’t risk anything by telling someone. Besides, people would think she was crazy if they did.

Y/N assumed Edward had told his siblings this because they stopped watching her so closely after a while.

Her schedule consisted of school and home. She didn’t have reason to be any other place, so she stayed inside. There was apparently some wild animal attacking people in Forks. Now that she knew about vampires, she had her suspicions. After Edward’s admittance of their diet, she had reason to believe and trust that it wasn’t them. So she had to be careful.

She was doing her homework again one afternoon. She saw that there was going to be a thunderstorm sometime later on, so she moved her work outside to get some air before that happened. She didn’t like being outside during any storm, rain or not.

The door opened at Bella’s house and she turned her head to see who it was. She saw Bella and gave a wave, “Hey, Bells.”

“Uh- Hey, Y/N,” she responded, giving a wave of her own.

Suddenly, Edward stepped in view and she looked up at him. She’d gotten quite used to him, but she still wasn’t that used to him. “Hello, Y/N. How are you?” He asked her with a soft smile. He was still trying to ease her into this. He didn’t want to spook her.

She had been spooked enough when she found out.

“I'm fine... Thanks,” she cleared her throat.

Edward thought for a moment before speaking, “Bella and I are going to play baseball with my family. You're more than welcome to come, if you would like.”

She shook her head, “No, I'm okay. I wouldn't want to intrude, I’m not a big sports person anyway... You have fun, though.” She gave a tight smile.

He nodded, “Alright. Good night.”

“Good night,” she said after him as he walked away with Bella. They got in her car and drove away. Y/N sighed and stood, walking back into her house to make whatever she had in her fridge for dinner.

Y/N looked out of her window from her room when she heard a car drive up to Bella’s driveway. She was probably just getting back home. It was already dark outside, it would make sense. When Bella slammed the door, Y/N opened her window and looked out. She seemed angry.

“Bella, is everything alright?” She asked, glancing at Edward behind her.

She looked up at Y/N. She nodded, Y/N could tell through the darkness of the night because of Bella’s pale skin-- although not as pale as Edward’s. “Yeah, just... We're fine. Stay inside.”

Y/N trailed off, “Okay…” She glanced at Edward through the dark. Edward’s pale white skin allowed her to makeout the look on his face. There was a warning in his features, not a warning against him, though.

She retreated from her window, closing it shut and returning to what she was doing. A few minutes later, she heard the door to their house slam as Bella drove away quickly from the house. Edward wasn’t with her. Charlie was standing in the light of the porch, watching her leave with a seemingly pained expression.

Y/N stood at her window, looking as best she could without opening it. She was confused, why did Charlie look like that? She sighed, it wasn’t her problem, she shouldn’t be so concerned about it.

She shook her head, retreating from her window once again and deciding to go to bed. Everything was sure to blow over in the morning.

A strange crash was heard downstairs as Y/N woke up suddenly from her sleep. She thought about what to do, there was an intruder in the house. She looked around her room and grabbed her baseball bat. Her grandfather had made a bat for her when she was younger and it was one of the really sentimental things she kept around, even if she didn’t play.

She carefully locked her bedroom door and went into her closet to hide, clutching the bat in her hands tight. After a moment, her door knob jiggled furiously. She pushed her hand against her mouth to keep her quiet. She was terrified at this point.

When the jiggling stopped, she removed her hand slowly. Then the door was kicked down and off of its hinges, making her jump as she clamped her hand back over her mouth and stopped breathing to stay quiet.

She couldn’t see anything, she didn’t take any chances with leaving the door opened just a crack. She listened closely and allowed herself to breathe as silently as humanly possibly.

Soft footsteps were heard on the other side of the door. With how soft they were, this had to be a woman. Why would there be a woman inside of her house trying to get to her?

The footsteps stopped. Y/N stilled and held her breath again so she could hear anything that happened. When the footsteps continued, they seemed to stalk closer to the door and Y/N’s heart only continued to pound in her chest. It was pounding so fast and so loud that she could feel and hear it in her chest. She was sure it would stop soon.

There was more silence.

Y/N let out a yelp as the door opened violently and revealed a woman with fiery red hair. Her eyes were wild and sadistic as she smirked maliciously at her. “Hello, there,” she said.

The woman grabbed Y/N by her throat, pulling her back to her chest as her hand moved to cover her mouth. Her other hand came to pinch her nose, keeping her from breathing as she slowly and painfully stopped the air flow from reaching her brain and lungs.

Y/N struggled against the woman’s hold, trying to scream and yell to try and get the attention of the chief next door, who’s probably already asleep. Y/N’s struggling slowed as she grew weaker. She started seeing black spots in her vision as if faded in and out with each failed attempt to breathe.

Soon, she couldn’t fight anymore as her body went limp and she went unconscious. The woman let go of her, dropping her to the floor. Her goal wasn’t to kill her… yet.

Rosalie and Esme were sent to Bella’s place to guard Charlie and Y/N. Rosalie was confused as to why she needed protecting. They didn’t associate with her, the tracker, James, would have no reason to try and hurt her.

As they came up on the house, Esme checked quickly for Charlie to make sure he was safe. When she saw Charlie sitting in his house, she nodded to herself. Charlie was safe.

Rosalie took Y/N’s, looking inside the house. She stopped when she saw the door slightly opened. She walked up to the door, pushing it open as it squealed against the motion. She stepped inside and saw the broken vase on the floor behind the door.

Whoever opened the door before must have knocked the vase over by opening the door too quickly. She looked up the stairs, rushing to the top quickly and seeing the door on the floor. It had been kicked down. She searched the house quickly, listening closely for a heartbeat. She found nothing but an empty house.

She rushed back to Esme, “We have a problem. The girl isn’t here. Someone broke in.”

Esme’s eyes widened slightly and she grabbed her phone, quickly calling Carlisle to inform him of the news. When the phone picked up, she spoke quickly, “Y/N’s gone. She’s been taken.”

There was silence on the other end before Carlisle spoke, his voice was still calm, but it was lower in tone and held a slight edge to it that only a vampire could pick up, “What?”

Rosalie spoke, knowing Carlisle would be able to hear her, “The front door was opened and her bedroom door was kicked down. She’s nowhere.”

Carlisle’s grip on the phone tightened, but he eased it before he could break the phone. There were tiny dents where his fingers had squished the phone. He spoke in a disturbingly calm voice, “Watch Charlie. I’ll handle Y/N.”

He hung up the phone and returned his grip to the steering wheel. Edward and Emmett had heard the conversation on both ends. Edward was the only one who knew what was going on, Emmett was still trying to catch on. Why was this girl so important?

Carlisle stepped on the gas, carefully not to step too hard so his foot didn’t go through the bottom of the car, as he spoke, “Continue heading to Bella, I’ve got to turn around.”

Edward saw his plan before he could ask. They came up to a dealership just after Emmett asked Edward’s forgotten question, “How are you doing to get there?” When he saw the dealership, he spoke, “Oh.”

Carlisle pulled over and got out of the car, handing the keys to Edward. Edward told him, “Good luck.”

He nodded and Edward moved to the driver’s side before pulling out and speeding down the road again. Emmett was still confused as to why Y/N was so important, but he thought it best not to ask. The answer would probably pop up eventually.

Carlisle disappeared into the car dealership, intent on finding Y/N.

After the long process-- at least, it was long for him --of getting his car, Alice had called Carlisle’s cell. She spoke quickly, knowing he was already listening. “I see her. She’s in her car, in the back tied up. Victoria’s taking her somewhere.”

“Where are they?” Carlisle asked, his tone patient but his emotions anything but. Alice was quiet for a moment, looking closely into her vision before answering, “They’re headed to Seattle.”

“Thank you, Alice,” he told her sincerely. Alice hung up the phone and he sped down the road on his way to her.

Y/N inhaled deeply as she began to open her eyes. They fluttered before finally settling to see what was around her. She looked up and let out a small groan, “Where am I?”

She looked over when a female voice answered, “She’s awake.”

That woke her up completely. Memories from earlier hit her like a train as she went to sit up, realizing her hands and legs were tied up. The bindings were tight, she could barely move her fingers because her hands were tied so close together. She managed to sit herself up with tons of difficulty.

The woman was driving so quickly that all Y/N could make out through the windows were shades of dark green and blue. It was still dark outside, so she hadn’t been out for too long. The speed was enough to make Y/N nauseous as she moved to put her seatbelt on, going as quickly as possible in her panic. She needed to stay calm and the seatbelt was some sort of mundane reassurance.

“Where are you taking me?” She asked, her breath quick with worry.

“Nowhere you need to be in a rush to be. We're going to meet your friends,” the woman responded with a sadistic smile.

“My friends?”

“The Cullens,” she answered her.

Realization hit her as Y/N let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She spoke in a slight whisper, “You’re a vampire.”

The woman looked in the rear view mirror at her, giving Y/N a view of her crimson red eyes, “Smart girl.”

Y/N gulped, “Are you going to kill me?”

“No, of course not,” the woman said, before shrugging a shoulder and smirking, “Not yet, at least.” She looked back at the road for a moment and Y/N looked around quickly. There had to be some way for her to get out of this situation. She couldn’t defeat a vampire, if she tried anything, she probably would kill her earlier than expected.

Before she could think of anything, the woman’s eyes turned to the mirror again and she frowned, snarling at what she saw. She turned around to see through the windshield in the back. Y/N looked back as well, but she couldn’t see anything. They were going too fast for her to make out a single thing.

The woman huffed and turned the wheel harshly, vastly overestimating the turn before the car swerved dangerously off the road. They were in air for a second and that’s when time seemed to slow.

Y/N was nauseous as she felt herself lift off of the seat as she seemed to float on thin air. A cry left her throat and tears pricked in her eyes as she feared for her life as she thought about the impact of crashing at this speed.

In the second they were in the air, Victoria managed to open her door and dart out of the car, leaving Y/N there. She was already gone before the car even crashed.

The front wheels crashed onto the ground harshly and the nose of the car dug into the soil. It flipped the car over as it landed on the hood, the back of the car propping up against the tree behind it.

Y/N groaned and she smelt the smoke and gas. She moved, but she was stuck and there was a pain in her chest that made it hard to breathe. A strangled cry let her throat as she looked down and saw a large shard of glass sticking out of her chest. Her head spun and she was nauseous all over again.

She looked down at her seatbelt slowly, pressing the button to take it off before falling to the bottom. The glass on the bottom sliced at her skin and she winced. Blood, sweat, and tears covered her. She looked to see if she could find a way out of the car. She could hear the gas leaking out of the car, it would blow with her in it if she didn’t get out.

She ignored the glass and other sharp materials, moving to get to the door, to open it so she could escape. She tried all she could but she couldn’t reach the door, she was trapped.

But then the door ripped off of the car, allowing a passage to escape. She wiggled toward it, but she could barely move, the car was beginning to collapse in on itself and it was weighing down on her.

She could barely see, her vision was blurry and going in and out. It was so hot, it was making her dizzy. She saw a pale form in front of her, but she could make out a face. The form ripped the car apart over her so he could grab her, pulling her out of the car and to safety.

When she was finally out of the car, away from the heat and the gas, a round of coughs rattled through her. The smoke was no longer trying to cloud her lungs as she went to breathe. When the coughs subsided, she blinked until her vision slowly came back to her.

She looked back down at the glass shard in her chest, she brought her hands up, reaching her fingers to grab the shard nervously. When she had a good enough grip, she closed her eyes shut to brace herself.

“No, don’t do that,” a voice said. She knew that voice.

Her eyes flew open and she saw Carlisle, reaching to grab her hands. She reacted quickly, rushing to get away from him. She couldn’t move very well, the bonds wouldn’t allow it.

“No! Don’t touch me!” Y/N screamed, flinching away from the desperate touch of Carlisle. Her eyes were wild, her breathing fast and shallow, her whole body trembling in uncontrolled fear.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Carlisle said, gently taking Y/N’s hands and holding them firmly. Their eyes met. “Listen to me,” he told her, “You’re safe and they aren’t going to hurt you again. I’m here now. Trust me, I won’t let anybody hurt you.”

Carlisle almost expected Y/n to yank her hands away in her panic, but she didn’t-- instead she relaxed a little, tears slipping from her eyes, and let out a breath, “I…”

“It’s okay,” he said, smiled, and pulled her into a hug she didn’t resist. “It’s okay, I’m here.” She calmed the best she could and her exhaustion snuck up on her, causing her to pass out in his arms.

He sighed and looked at the wounds all over her body, then glaring at the glass in her chest. He needed to help her quickly. He took off his jacket, removing the shard and tying it around her chest as tight as he could without suffocating her.

He set her in the back of his car so she could lay down and made sure she was alright. He stepped on the gas and they were off to his house in no time at all.

Y/N breathed in suddenly, her eyes shooting open as she went to look around frantically to see where she was. Her body was in pain, but it didn’t hurt as badly as it did before. A soft, calm, soothing voice spoke to her, “Hey, hey. It’s alright, calm down.”

She looked to see Carlisle hovering over her, cotton in hand as he tried to get her to calm down. “Where am I?” She asked quickly, still working on the adrenaline she’d built up while she was asleep.

“Just relax,” he told her, “You’re in my home.” She took a breath in and allowed herself to lay back again. He gave her a reassuring smile, dabbing the cotton ball against a cut on her forehead. She winced and looked up at him while he worked.

“What happened?” She asked quietly.

He looked down at her, his eyes darker than the honey gold. They were around the same color she saw when she went to the hospital the second time, only they were slightly darker. “You don’t remember?” He asked, just as gently.

She looked down at her chest, there were stitches there that explained the numbness.

The glass shard in her chest from the crash.

She looked at her hand, seeing her bruised wrists.

The rope she was tied in by the woman.

It all came back to her as she looked over herself and then back into Carlisle’s still calming eyes. She remembered seeing those eyes after being dragged out of the burning car by him.

“You... You saved me,” she mumbled, sight disbelief as she stared at the gorgeous man.

“Of course, I did,” he told her gently as he bandaged the cut on her forehead. She had quite a few bandages on her body. She remembered the cuts and scrapes from trying to escape from the car.

She shook her head and blinked, “But...why?”

“I couldn't let you die, Y/N,” he said softly.

“Because you’re a doctor,” she concluded, feeling a little down by the answer.

“Because...it's complicated,” he shook his head and let out a sigh.

Y/N nodded, sighing slightly before wincing from the action, “That’s what Edward said, too.”

“You know our secret,” he stated more than asked. She nodded, “Yes.”

“Edward told me,” he replied.

She looked back at him, “Are you mad?”

He glanced at her, a small smile on his face, “Of course not.”

She managed to crack a joke, surprising even herself, “Just disappointed?”

He chuckled lightly, she felt triumphant about getting a chuckle out of him, “No, not that either.”

She smiled slightly before it dropped again, “Then what?”

Carlisle hesitated, setting the cotton ball down as he looked back at her, into her eyes. He stood blinking at her, lost in thought as if he tried to find out how to respond. He finally spoke, looking away from her as he did, “I’m captivated by you.” He returned his gaze to her curious, sparkling eyes.

“Me?” She questioned, shocked and surprised, “How?”

He chuckled weakly again at how shocked she sounded, “It has a degree of fate in it…” He returned to his work, picking up a cream and rubbing it onto her wrists over her bruises without hurting her.

“Ah, yes. Fate. My favorite thing,” she joked, watching his hands move along her wrists. He genuinely laughed, the two of them relaxing a little more before he turned to her ankles to rub the cream on the bruises there as well.

After rubbing in the cream, he bandaged the bruises and flashed her a smile, “I’m all done.”

She smiled at him, “Thank you, Carlisle.” She moved to sit up a bit more and he helped her so she wouldn’t hurt herself more than she was already hurt.

He shook his head, “There’s no need to thank me.”

She stared at him, memorizing his features like it would be the last time she’d ever see him. Another gaze into his eyes and she remembered the second checkup. He was supposed to be her doctor. She knew his answer was a lie, she just didn’t want to point it out. But she felt a degree of necessity now.

“Why weren't you the one to take my case when I went for my checkup?” She questioned, a soft expression on her face as she examined his.

He sighed and looked down at his hands holding the role of bandages. “You,” he said, only looking up after, “It’s the same reason my ears are a different color than the first time you met me.”

She listened intently, her eyes never leaving him as he spoke, “When I said a degree of fate, that's what I mean... Your blood attracts me. I’ve lived a long existence and I’ve never had to try and hold myself back. It’s how I know…”

She furrowed her brows and he looked down and away from her again. She moved her head so he would look at her again. She threw her legs over the side of where she was sitting so her body was facing him now, “How you know what?”

He looked back up at her, the way she was sitting now put him standing between her legs. Neither of them seemed to notice, though. They were wrapped up in their conversation.

“It’s how I know you’re… my mate,” he finished, watching for her reaction closely. Once again, she was caught by surprise. “I’m-” she closed her eyes and shook her head before looking back up at him, “Like a soulmate?”

He licked his lips with a light chuckle, “More or less, yes.”

She blinked at him, “Me?”

He sighed slightly, furrowing his brow as he gazed at her. He spoke gently, “You really don’t see it?”

She shrugged lightly, “I don't see how you could be… How I could be... You're way out of my league.”

A smile tugged at his lips, “Apparently not.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she chuckled.

He shook his head, “You don’t have to say anything.” He set a hand under her chin, lifting her head a little to see him better before dropping his hand. He spoke in a gentle tone, “You’re perfect for me.” He smiled and kissed her forehead softly.

She gazed into his eyes, the eyes that seemed to turn lighter with every moment that passed, as if her presence was restoring their warm, honey golden hue. She licked her lips, her eyelids fluttering. They were so close now.

“Why did you save me?” Y/N’s voice was barely above a whisper. Carlisle had managed to take her breath away as she tried to regulate it again.

His hands moved to her arms, just above her wrists. He slowly drifted down until they took her hands in his own. Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes darted from his to his lips. Their fingers intertwined as they relished in the slow, sensual moment. Everything was still and calm, nothing was disturbed or had any sign of turning out that way.

It seemed like they would be frozen in place like this before Y/N made the first move, her hands moving from his as her arms wrapped around Carlisle’s neck. She pressed her lips to his, letting out her breath at the relief of the kiss.

Carlisle’s hands fell to her waist, steadying her as he kissed her back. Their lips molded together, moving in sync with each, in perfect harmony. She could feel what he meant about being his “mate”. She could feel that bond, that connection that they held. She was Intoxicated by him.

Her fingers intertwined in his hair, keeping him as close to her as possible. She wanted to feel him against her, his body close to hers in that sensual moment. It was as if the world stopped around them, as if it allowed them to have the moment for as long as they wanted, allowing them their forever.

It took awhile for Y/N to finally pull back to allow her lungs some air. Their eyes were closed, her forehead pressed against his as she caught her breath. He didn’t move from where he was, relishing in her presence. He spoke, his voice a whisper in the air, her words meant for her ears only, “I don't want to lose you.”

That was enough for her as she smiled and brought him back into another life-altering kiss.

#twilight #twilight fanfiction #carlisle cullen #carlisle cullen x reader #carlisle cullen x you #cullen #cullen x female reader #carlisle cullen x fem!reader #female reader #twilight x you #twilight x reader #the twilight saga #fanfiction #fanfic #i may have gotten a little carried away #pls i know #eight thousand eight hundred and twenty fucking words #jesus fucking christ #shaking my head

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spiltscribbles · 4 years

Note

How would you do a wolfstar fic based on the way I loved you by taylor swift? from remus' pov :)

~Notes: OMFG Nonny! I need you to understand that this ask threw me back to my Twilight days when I’d watch endless edits of Bella/Edward and this particular one with this song where for some reason Edward was both guys lksajghdsfjoieagh God what a time😂 So thank you and here’s a HC of how’d I write it becs I sorta hate all my writing rn rip fklsdghasdgh But JFC it got so fucking long!!! I’M SO SORRY!

So It would be a muggle AU, non linear sort of thing where you’d see Lily and Remus just hanging out in his house on boxing day of their sixth year. And they’re shuffling through photos of themselves and friends at Hogwarts. And Remus kind of just stops at this one, particular photo from second semester of last year, when he and Sirius were still going out.

James and Lily are in the background smiling straight on the camera, but the focus is mostly where Remus and Sirius are completely oblivious to the photo, and it’s obvious that Sirius is trying to drag him onto his lap, and Remus’s head is thrown back in laughter, and Sirius is looking at him in that grossly besotted way that softens his gorgeously angular features, and it’s just an absolute deluge of emotions for Remus.

So flashback

They first met when the marauders were auspiciously roomed together as young lads in Hogwarts, and Remus grew up in a quiet coastal town in the north of Wales where everyone knew everyone, and English was actually the second language, and to put it simply, being thrown into that space with the chaotic duo that are James and Sirius was a culture shock. Even Peter— who’s plummy and who comes from a fine, upper middle class family and is at least familiar with them in the way that the patrician always are aware of one another. So Remus automatically felt like the odd boy out.

But that night, when he wakes up because he misses his Mam and Da, he finds the tallest boy— the one with striking pale eyes and an air of superiority that kind of got on Remus’s nerves, sitting on the windowsill and up at the stars— his namesake in particular. And so Remus joins him and tells him the love story of the moon and the sun that was his Mam’s favorite and it’s the first time they feel something neither of them know the name for quite yet.

Throughout the subsequent years the marauders grow as close as family, a brotherhood of sorts. But they all know there are different manifestations of friendships within them. There’s Sirius and James who are the boisterous, bombastic ones that always seek the spotlight, and who can finish each others sentences and who cheer one each other along when it comes to their rowdiest of pranks. There’s Peter who’s always been intimidated by Sirius, and thankful for James’s friendship and comfortable with Remus because he’s the only one who never teased him. Then there’s James and Remus where they’ve always been impressed by one another, James because he knows Remus comes from humble beginnings and is bright in the way he works for everything he has and it’s never doubted he deserves it. And Remus is impressed over how much and how deeply James loves and cares about his chosen people, how he can inspire a crowd so effortlessly. But then, probably most peculiarly to Remus is his relationship with Sirius.

He doesn’t mean to sound rude or ungrateful, but his string to Sirius is a relationship that absolutely eclipses all the others. It’s quiet in it’s intensity, but persistent like a heartbeat. It’s nights they spend trading stories by moonlight, and afternoons quizzing each other by the fire even though Sirius has always been naturally brilliant and Remus knows he’s just humoring him, but doesn’t call him on it because he hates the thought of it ending. It’s also evenings when James is at extra footie practice that Sirius teases him for, and Peter’s at chess club, and it’s just the pair of them, existing in each others space, doing whatever they want because it’s enough just to have the other there.

Remus is confused in third year when Sirius got especially pissy because Remus began hanging out more and more with the girl James has always targeted to being a know-it-all. And Remus was cross right back because they don’t even know Lily, and she’s a nice girl, and the only other Northerner like him in their entire year, and Sirius has no reason to be cross at him making a friend outside the marauders.

But then he got even MORE confused when Sirius asked him if he liked her. And Remus literally laughed out loud, which made Sirius scrunch his face sourly which just looked funny because his features are far too gorgeous to be put in such a nasty expression. And it’s nearly five minutes later when he catches his breath and tells Sirius that he and Lily are just friends and only friends. Comparing her to a sister, which became truth in the following years.

And it’s like a snap of the fingers when Sirius immediately smoothes out his face and grins cockily once more, and makes Remus promise that they don’t date any girls unless the others all approve. And Remus isn’t sure why Sirius’s intense focus on his love life makes something peculiar unfurl in his gut but he ignores it and shakes Sirius’s still too large hand— like a puppy needing to grow into his palms. And then they write up a contract and make James and Peter sign along with them in the codenames they came up with last year. Prongs for James because his hair is something gravity defying, Wormtail for Peter because of his pet rat, Padfoot for Sirius because of him asking sodding Minerva McGonagall— their head of house— if she was on her time of the month— as a first year when she gave him and James three weeks detention for a crude prank. And Moony for Remus who constantly got lost in his books and in his daydreams that it takes the others multiple times calling his name for him to be brought back to earth.

Remus kept the contract in his lovage, but never bothered to pull it out fourth year when Sirius suddenly became very, very aware of his good looks, and high social standing, and how any girl attracted to men would chew off her own leg to get a date with him— well save for the possibly only exception that is Lily Evans. And Remus had to just deal with it, and he did. He didn’t know why Sirius and his frequent, but short lasting flings got under his skin so thoroughly. It’s not like he’s annoyed over Peter and his girlfriend Eloise or how James is still going out with a couple different girls even though he’s near constantly flirting with Lily. And it’s not like the ones Sirius decides to go out with are annoying or anything. He really likes most of them. Like Marlene is absolutely hilarious, and Maci has the same world history class with Remus so they studied together a lot. And the rest have perfectly fine attitudes. It’s just— It’s just Sirius begins sleeping more often through the night instead of swapping stories with Remus, and isn’t readily available for whenever Remus needs to take a walk in the woods because he’s becoming full of anxiety over just about everything, and it’s just— He just misses Sirius a lot.

And Remus thinks he’s an idiot because why the fuck does he feel so territorial towards one of his best friends? Why doesn’t he act this way towards James or Peter or even Lily. He doesn’t ever feel this ridiculous, clawing emotion. Something he only calls by name, jealousy, when it’s late and quiet and he’s all alone. And Remus panics because he has no idea what this means, what or why he feels this way. Because he’s not a poof?? Is he? It’s not like he’s ever been especially interested in girls or their knickers, and if the other fifteen year old boys around him is anything to go by, that’s odd. But it’s not as if he’s especially interested in any other blokes either— anyone besides Sirius. Sirius and his artfully tousled black hair that tumbles down the nape of his neck and just a couple inches above his shoulders. and his piercing eyes that always seem as if they can look right into Remus’s soul and sift through all his points of diffidence. Sirius who’s always been there for Remus in ways Remus never even expected, even knew how to ask for. The boy who brings him hot chocolate on days his migraines are especially awful, and who always begs the Matron to stay over on the nights Remus is just forced to stay in the hospital wing when he has a flare up, and who always knows to ask the caretaker for a spare blanket at the start of every term because he knows Remus is always cold but would never dare ask himself. And God, just why does it have to be Sirius!

Strangely enough, it’s Sirius who answers the question in a non direct sort of way at the end of their fourth year when Remus asks him why he broke up with Isidora so publicly and a bit callously while they’re sitting on the balcony of the astronomy tower, trading their flask of gin that Sirius snuck away from his parent’s house over easter, staring down at the grounds and the lake and it’s a beautiful night, and Remus only sorta feels it how his heart twists while Sirius sits so close. And once the question spills out his lips, Sirius peers down at him in a very subdued, very weighty sort of way and he simply says, “she’s not you Moons.”

And it’s like Remus’s heart just freezes, refuses to continue beating with the shock, with the somber words spoken without an ounce of humor. And part of him is just waiting for the joke, for the other shoe to drop. He’s just waiting for the overdone hand to his chest, and lips pretending to pucker for a smooch. He’s waiting for the ground to return but Sirius doesn’t move, and maybe this means that this is real, that it isn’t just in Remus’s head. so all he says is a simple, “oh” and the next thing he knows is that Sirius kisses him right then and there, and it’s beginning to shower from above, and the kiss is a bit hard for his liking— more teeth than lips and a tongue that slips in with fervor— but Remus wouldn’t stop it for all the money in the world. Wouldn’t ever let go of his grip on Sirius’s broad shoulders, or move away from where Sirius’s arms are snaking around his narrow waste. Would pay anything just to constantly feel the weight of Sirius over him like this for forever.

He doesn’t know for how long they lied their in the pouring rain, just exchanging slow, lingering snogs, and tender touches that feel like a thousand flames. But Remus probably should’ve expected that the next morning, while they’re all preparing to board the train, Sirius doesn’t catch his eye or ever really speak to him. And that’s fine. Remus has been questioning his sexuality for a while now. Maybe Sirius is just confused or just nervous because they’ve been friends for so long. So he doesn’t mind. Ends up splitting his time on the train with the boys and with Lily and it’s all alright. When he gets home, he types Sirius a letter explaining to him that it’s fine, that they can take things slow, that they don’t have to call it anything yet, and he toys with that patch on his neck that’s still purple from Sirius’s mouth and he’s actually elated with the idea of it.

Sirius doesn’t answer the email

And he doesn’t answer the one after that either, or the ones that follow. And Remus eventually takes the hint when he gets a email from Peter who’s holidaying in France and asks Remus how hard he laughed from Sirius’s story about how he nearly pulled the mum of the latest London bird he’s shagging that he wrote them about. And Remus is equal parts embarrassed and self rebuking. Because he’s such an idiot, Sirius was probably annoyed from his constant emails like he’s some jilted ex lover, like the girls he pulls along. And Remus is really a fucking idiot. So he rings Lily and they meet at a pub that’s equidistant from both of them, and he didn’t have to tell her what happened because she’s really just a genius, so they drink the night away and he swears off love and she swears to kick James in the Bollocks at least once this year, and it’s the first time all summer Remus laughed.

By the time they got to fifth year, Remus had ranted enough to Lily that he was over it— well erm, mostly at least. It still hurt like nothing else when he first spotted Sirius on the train, looking taller and leaner and tanner and just sexier as all get out. ANd it makes something ugly twist in his gut, laughing at himself over thinking that a practical demigod would be interested in someone who prefers books to most people and who has to wear charity shop clothes when he’s not in his school uniform and just— He’s an idiot. So when Sirius steps into the cart with Remus, James and Peter, and his look of contrition tosses to Remus a beat passes. And it’s quickly willed away when Remus just smiles warmly, tries to silently tell him not to worry about it, and asks out loud if he’d like a chocolate frog.

And it’s normal, it’s fine, the first weeks of term are typical as ever for the boys. They commit pranks on the creepy wankers like Snape and Avery. And they laugh at James’s latest failed attempt to woo Lily. And they spend all nighters in the library and celebrate with pickup games of footie. And it’s pretty bloody brilliant, but then Sirius’s birthday hits, and they plan a surprise for him on the astronomy tower in the middle of the night, filled with food and drinks and friends. ANd Remus gets the key as prefect, and Peter sneaks in the booze with his free afternoon off and James make sure that everyone they like is there to celebrate the greatest git they all know. And Sirius is so, so happy when he sees it. Wich of course he is, Remus knows how difficult his parents are, how lonely he can get over the breaks without the lads. So he’s so, so happy to see that look of mirth twinkling in Sirius’s pale eyes, and he does everything he can to make it so Sirius is laughing all night long.

But towards the end, no matter how much he wants to make it the best night for Sirius, he just has to get away from the sight of Sirius dancing obscenely with Florence Whittemore. Because he doesn’t have to be a damn martyr.

He goes to a private nook on the rooftop, and pulls out the pre-rolled spliff to light up, only sorta surprised when Sirius makes his way to him— far away from the crowd and away from the music. And he plops down on the step right under his, obviously loaded and smiling like the sun, crooning “Moony,” over and over again and Remus can only dimple down indulgently at him, carding his hand through Sirius’s hair gently, spurred on by the drinks and the weed and just by that quiet, unassuming love he has held for him like a torch all these years.

“Did you wear my favorite sweater on purpose?” Sirius asks, a bit slurred, tilting his head so it rests on Remus’s shoulder and he can feel the tendrils of his warm breath brushing against his neck, and Remus suddenly feels like he’s on fire again.

And he looks down at the green sweater he’s got on, a gift from his Mam for his fifteenth last year and the one that he was wearing the first night Sirius kissed him. So, yeah maybe Remus wore it subconsciously precisely because of that. But he’d never tell him.

And neither of them could say who leaned forward first, but they were kissing again and it still feels like everything splendid and like Remus’s mind is melting right out of his head and it’s so fucking miraculous.

But then they hear a coughing and they spring apart in panic, only to meet Lily’s shrewd, green eyes and she’s glaring at Sirius like she could scorch a whole right through him. And she tells them that there’s a Filch sighting and they need to get to the dorms pronto.

Sirius scrambles up, looking at them panicky like he doesn’t know what to say, but then Remus tells him to hurry along because he and Lily—as Prefects— are the only ones who won’t get in trouble for being out. And Sirius looks at Remus like there’s a thousand things he’d like to say, but nods soberly and sprints away, and Remus is objected to Lily’s silent, judgmental worrying for their entire track back downstairs.

Remus isn’t surprised when Sirius tells them all that he’s dating Florence now over breakfast, and Peter gazes at him in aw at pulling the fittest girl in their year, and James claps his back hardily and talks about the double dates they can go on now since he’s still dating Jeanette. As if James isn’t glancing back at Lily even as he’s speaking it, and as if Sirius isn’t peering over apologetically to Remus as if there was ever anything between them.

However, what does surprise Remus is when late that night, Sirius pads over to his bed in the middle of the night like they haven’t done since they were both 14, and they’re lying down, not looking at each other before Sirius kisses him again and Remus lets himself enjoy it, let himself melt into him. But then he remembers the pretty blonde girl who he’s actually dating and it hurts like nothing else when he tells him the next night when Sirius makes the same track to his bed that they can’t do anything because they’re going to ruin their friendship and he has a girlfriend and Remus just can’t. So Sirius nods, tells him he’s always been the best of them, and kisses his forehead before returning to his own bed. And Remus silently refutes the comment because he hates not letting himself even get the scraps.

So Sirius dates Florence for the next month or so, and Remus puts up with it because of course he does. Because if it’s Sirius’s friendship or nothing at all, he’d always pick the former. Would always want Sirius to be with him in anyway possible. But then over winter break he officially runaways from his barmy ancestral home and goes off to James’s house in the countryside. And he texts Remus, begging him to come visit for New Year’s Eve. So Remus does, even gets Lily to tag along.

And once they get there, Sirius just smacks a big one on him in front of literally a whole house of people— including James and James’s Parents and all the Potters’ friends— and he tells him that he loves him and that he doesn’t want to pretend they’re only friends anymore, and Remus is blushing and grinning, and he thinks that Sirius is the maddest bloke he knows and he loves him to.

And it’s good between them, it’s remarkable. Sirius is passionate about every aspect in his life so it’s no surprise how remarkable of a boyfriend he is, how his every splendid gesture is large and vivacious and vibrant in ways Remus can’t even describe.

But the thing is that Remus is just simply not like that, has never been loud or commanding a presence. When he’s the leader of something like a prank execution or a school project, he prefers to get input from the others, make them think they did an equal amount of work even if Remus was the one behind it all. He’s always been reserved, quiet. And it’s not that he’s shy, it’s just he doesn’t ever see a reason to make a big show out of everything. And Sirius has known him for over half a decade now, so Remus assumes that he gets it.

But then it’s apparent that sometimes he doesn’t think that Remus loves him as much— which is so bloody bonkers Remus can’t even fathom it. or he thinks that Remus is just going with the motions, dating Sirius just because Sirius asked him too. And that gets Remus mad, absolutely fucking furious. The idea that Sirius can doubt his emotions like that.

“Get your cocky head out your arse and think about how not everyone has to be as ruddy loud as you are.” Remus had yelled one night in the common room in early February when Sirius tried giving him a ridiculous teddy bear holding a heart as if he’s an actual sodding bird and he refused it and Sirius got tetchy. But then Sirius had laughed like the mad man he is and then snogged him within an inch of his life and Remus thinks he got his point across.

Their one, really huge blow out, is on Remus’s birthday when he gets to his birthday dinner with his parents who came up to celebrate. And Sirius was visibly, painfully drunk and he spluttered the whole three hours and Remus was secretly thankful that his parents only thought he was a friend and not his sodding boyfriend and by the time they got to the dorm Remus had shouted, really fucking shouted at him. Had screamed things that he would regret just as soon as they came out. But it was ridiculous and Sirius could be such an arse sometimes. And Sirius had yelled back about how fucking stuffy Remus is about everything and claiming that they didn’t even notice and who the fuck cares. And Remus was shaking so hard, grabbed his pillow and blankets to sleep in the common room instead.

But of course, he knew that Sirius would follow him, that Sirius always prodded whenever Remus wanted to just runaway, that he could never leave well enough alone. And they argue again but it quickly became them rutting up against each other in the middle of the night, atop the sofa where anyone could walk down an catch them an Remus didn’t care, just needed to feel Sirius, feel him all over.

Remus only found out the next day by a red faced and quiet Sirius that he was nervous, that he didn’t mean to get so sloshed but he’s already failed with his parents and he didn’t want Remus’s to know how much of a fucking screw up he is and Remus just kissed him gently and called him an idiot and they never spoke about it again.

A few weeks later, Sirius goes off to holiday with the Potters on the Moroccan coast and Remus was only sorta jealous, but he understood that Sirius has always starved for a family, a real family, and that this is good for him. And the Potters are lovely people, and nearly as wealthy as the Blacks— well erm, as close as can be possible for ordinary folks. And James is Sirius’s brother in all but blood. Of course Sirius wouldn’t want to spend the week in Remus’s sleepy hometown with his bookish father and somewhat smothering Mam. But then he gets a call at two in the morning— so three in the morning by them— and It’s a pissed Sirius screaming into the phone over the music of some club and Remus hears a girl’s voice crowing his name and he hangs up in the middle fo Sirius trying to tell him some story about a boat or llama or what the fuck ever. And then Sirius storms to their shared dormitory when they all got back, yelling at Remus for not answering his calls for the rest of the week, and then Remus screamed back that he didn’t want to keep him from his haram of girls. And Sirius snarled out that he didn’t kiss or even bloody flirt with any of them and that Remus needs to start trusting him or pull that stick out his ass. And Remus was just so taken aback he had no idea what to say, so he just shook his head, discarded words and pounced on him for them to snog instead— James and Peter rolling their eyes as they slowly exited the room.

And there entire relationship is a bit like that, firecrackers that simmer to something tender because their foundation has always been the purest, most important friendship and even though the sex is fucking miraculous and mind-blowing and maddeningly delicious, they’ll always be friends.

So that’s why Remus gets so angry that Sirius is acting so blasé when Snape finds out about them and threatens to tell the whole school. “It’s not a big deal Moons, practically everyone who isn’t an idiot already knows.”

And Remus swears he saw red, felt his blood pressure pulse. “Well my parents don’t know, and I’d rather be the one to tell them instead of them hearing it from the gossip mill from one of the other students parents!”

And Sirius’s expression got very stoney right then, his shoulders drawn back and brows furrowed. “So what? You’re ashamed that you’re dating a bloke? Or a bloke who’s own parents didn’t want him?”

And Remus is so fucking gobsmacked, so disbelieving that this is still such a point of sensitivity for him. That he still isn’t quite comprehensive just how much and how thoroughly and how desperately Remus loves him, and all that comes out is “You’re a bloody pillock.” And Sirius doesn’t give him enough time to explain himself and before he knows it they’re on the train home and Sirius isn’t even talking to him and he’s home in Wales once more.

He tries messaging Sirius all summer long, tries explaining himself. He even tells his parents that he’s as gay as the day is long, and they were so supportive that it gave him hope. But then Remus goes to Lily’s house one night for a movie, and her phone pins with a snap notification from James, and she tells him to open it for her while she tries pulling out the biscuits from the oven, and Remus Sees a dorky looking James, a London night club’s logo on the bottom of the filter and it’s all innocent until he really looks and he sees Sirius— clear as day, and he’s kissing another bloke. A blonde, good looking bloke that Remus could never be and one that Sirius deserves. And he feels so empty, so exhausted, so tired of it all as he numbly hands it over to a anxious looking Lily.

And Remus decides right then that he and Sirius really need to end this.

They need to cut all the strings of this ill-fated romance, because they’re both too volatile and too sporadic. They can’t risk their friendship over this. Remus can’t lose Sirius just because Remus never deserved him as a boyfriend.

So when they get back to classes for their sixth year, Remus pretends nothing had ever happened between them.

He acts cordial, and companionable and like the friend he was to Sirius before he let his bloody emotions get in the way. And Sirius is suspicious but cautious and sometimes he looks like he does when he wanted to kiss him, so Remus would have to race off and he’d stay out late as possible in the library so to get back to their room after they’ve all fallen asleep. And he’s thankful he does the one time he finds that Sirius had ended up falling asleep in Remus’s bed while waiting up for him.

On one of those nights out to the library he begins speaking with Ezra.

Ezra is a prefect also, and he’s a year above them in classes so he gladly helps Remus with the questions he has for the course work. He’s extremely handsome, and Remus doesn’t feel so guilty when he recognizes the fact. He’s got brown hair numerous shades darker from Remus’s tawny color, and he’s got very lovely green eyes and he smiles at Remus shyly. So it’s not a surprise when he kisses him softly for the first time in early October, and it’s nice. It’s not fire licking up his insides like Sirius’s kisses are, but it’s sweet. And he’s sweet.

They go out on casual dates to the city on allotted weekends and they drink coco by the fire. He tells Remus about growing up right outside Edinburgh and Remus tells him about the sea glass his Mam taught him to find by the ocean, and his collection of shells and his favorite peer to watch the sunset and Ezra listens like he is so very interested. And They’re a quiet pair, even the first time he gives Remus a blow job behind the greenhouses. And it’s good, because it’s fucking sex of course its good. But he doesn’t know how to use his tongue like Sirius learned how, or how to squeeze just a bit too tightly around his shaft when he’s lapping the head. But it’s not Ezra’s fault. Sirius and Remus had plenty of practice, the one thing they did more than laugh or argue was fuck. And that’s because it was always fun, always good. They stumbled through it together and learned what they liked and what they didn’t and how amazing it felt whenever they were intwined like that— When Sirius was on top of him, underneath him, deep inside of him and all around him.

But that’s not a fair comparison. Sirius has always excelled in everything, has always been a supernova. And Remus needs to learn how to be his friend again, and stop remembering all those times between the sheets or hidden behind the greenhouses or sometimes even in closets between classes.

And they’re getting there. Sirius has stopped trying to wait up for him, and he laughs at his jokes easily again. He doesn’t touch Remus, not really, not ever. And he looks like a flicker has been blown out behind his disarmingly handsome face, but they’re getting closer.

And Ezra is great, Ezra is so amazing. He’s sweet and he texts Remus a good night and good morning message every day. He walks him to class and they kiss softly goodbye. He buys Remus cherry filled brownies even tho that’s possibly the one type of chocolate he doesn’t like. But he eats them anyways because he knows they’re expensive. And he steadfastly ignores the box of his favorite caramel ones that are left on his bed the morning after Ezra got them for him.

And when Ezra comes over their house for Christmas he’s perfect in front of his parents. He complements the dinner Lyall made and how lovely Hope’s necklace is. And he gets along seamlessly with Lily when they met up nearly every night to go out to the tree in the center of her hometown or ice skating or to take pictures by the lights.

But when he leaves, Remus just feels empty. He stays up all night thinking about it, about why he can’t love Ezra the way he loved— the way he’s always loved and continues to love Sirius. How he will forever love Sirius. And he ends up cursing Sirius’s name a thousand times over throughout the span of one night.

And it’s back to the start of the story with Remus and Lily lounging in his living room and looking at the photo and Remus feels his eyes watering and Lily kissing his cheek while silently handing him his phone.

They exchange a smile.

And Remus decides he’ll talk to Ezra in person, explain how he’s a great guy and how lucky Remus was to be with him. But now— well now he needs to slide open his phone because he can hardly breathe anymore.

And when he hears Sirius’s familiar, golden baritone answering tentatively, “Hiya Moons.”

And Remus swallows down the emotion in his throat, and he just loves him so much.

“Can you drive up here? Preferably not with the bike.”

“James’s Dad left us his car.” Sirius retorts, and Remus can hear the smile in his voice. “But, are you sure?”

And Remus wants to scream it to the clouds and the ocean and the mountain tops that of course he is, that this— the emotions he has for Sirius, the way he loves him— is the one sure thing in his life.

“I love you Pads.”

A silence beats between them before he hears Sirius answer back, buoyant and vivid and so much him that it aches.

“I love you to Moony. I love you so much.”

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #MARAUDERS #HARRY POTTER SERIES #HEADCANONS #HEADCANONS BY LEN #SPILT INK #this is so fucking long #holy shite #i'm sorry Nonny #!!!

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shijiujun · 4 years

Text

[ENG] History3: Trapped Novel - Chapter Nine

Translation Masterpost can be found here

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. Also keeping in mind when we translated this we aren’t exactly thinking about the style of writing and this translation is as close to the novel as we can make it XD So yes, some parts may be a little awkward to read. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes!

Full chapter below the cut

Note: JFC I AM FINALLY DONE WITH THIS DAMN THING, BYE H3T NOVEL CRIES I DONT WANT TO BE PLAGUED BY THIS ANYMORE HAHAHA - Also give the masterpost a few hours, I need to update the new links with my new username ARGH - History3:Trapped novel translations are now COMPLETED (with the exception of terrible sex scenes).

This was a muchhhh longer chapter than usual (more than 30 pages) + gosh I have a lot of things to say about the sex scenes because they’re just totally not logical but never mind I’m glad to like be done with this hahaha. It’s dragged on for long enough!

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Chapter Nine

Inside the abandoned warehouse

Chen Wen Hao and Tang Yi have their guns trained on each other, and at the same time, they are staring at Shao Fei in shock, who just said ‘Chen Wen Hao is your father’.

“Don’t panic, the evidence is in my pocket.”

Shao Fei holds up both his hands, and then slowly reaches into the pocket of his jacket with one, pulling out two pieces of paper folded together, and looks at Tang Yi and Chen Wen Hao.

“One of these is the birth certificate from the hospital, and the other is the note you wrote to Li Zhen-jie.”

Chen Wen Hao’s expression morphs entirely, and then he turns to his henchmen and says, “All of you go outside and wait for me.”

The men guarding Chen Wen Hao’s safety put down their guns and then head outside to the open space outside of the warehouse.

“The both of you put down your guns first, so you won’t regret in case you misfire, and then listen to me finish speaking, okay?”

Both men in confrontation with each other exchange looks, and then keep their weapons at the same time.

Shao Fei heaves a sigh of relief, and continues explaining, “I found these two things in Li Zhen-jie’s belongings, and I also went to Tang Yi’s adoptive father to confirm it. Tang Yi, you were born on 21st October 1990, and Chen Wen Hao, you began serving your sentence in February 1990, and when Li Zhen-jie went to visit you, the date was 17th May 1990.”

Realising what this means, Chen Wen Hao’s eyes go wide, and he mumbles, “It cannot be… this is impossible… Li Zhen told me she aborted our child, so it can’t be…”

In the third month of pregnancy, the mother will begin to feel nauseous and most due dates are calculated 266 days after confirmation of the pregnancy date, that means if Li Li Zhen was already pregnant before Chen Wen Hao entered prison, then the expected due date indeed would have fallen somewhere in October.

Chen Wen Hao rushes over suddenly, gripping at Shao Fei’s shirt collar tight, “Are you using this to make me spare Tang Yi because you knew Li Zhen visited me in jail before?”

Shao Fei is almost entirely breathless from the tight grip, but still continues with his answer, the closest thing to the truth after piecing all the clues together, “I don’t know what Li Zhen-jie said to you in jail when she met you, all I know is that after she visited you, she applied for a year long break, and this is unusual for a workaholic like her.”

“And after she returned to her post, she never once applied for long leaves and did not get married either, so there’s only one possibility left. Tang Yi, is yours and Li Zhen-jie’s son.”

“Son… I have a son… a son…” Chen Wen Hao repeats dumbly, loosening his grip on Shao Fei’s shirt collar.

As if juxtaposing Chen Wen Hao’s helplessness at this moment, Tang Yi seems as cold and calm as he always is, “So what if this is true?”

“Tang Yi, Li Zhen-jie may not be a good mother, but she was loving you in her own way. When you ran away from home when you were 12, she immediately went South to search for you, but still lost all clues of where you went.”

Tang Yi’s lips curve up in a sneer, “I only have three family members in this life. My adoptive mother, Tang-ye and Hong Ye. Everyone else are unrelated strangers to me.”

“Tang Yi…” Shao Fei softly calls his name, his heart aching as he looks at Tang Yi’s expression, trying to suppress the pain.

“Tang-ye is the most important person in my life, he is my father… and you, you’re only a murderer who took him away from my side!”

He says the word ‘murderer’ through gritted teeth, slides his gun out from his waist, and points it at the murderer he managed to draw out after four years. Seeing this, Shao Fei immediately puts himself in front of the gun.

“No, I didn’t kill him. I didn’t.”

Chen Wen Hao has not yet calmed from the emotions of guilt he is feeling, and then he looks at his son who’s pointing a gun at him, shocked.

“You’re lying!” Tang Yi looks at the man in front of him angrily. “I remember your face very clearly, you’re the one who killed Tang-ye, it’s you!”

“It’s true that I was there to look for Tang Guo Dong, because I wanted to question him, to ask him why he had to sabotage me like this? But I didn’t kill him. When I reached the scene I only saw him pass something to Li Zhen, and then there were two gunshots, and they fell to the ground, their blood spilling out…”

Chen Wen Hao has his face in his hands, filled with guilt and anguish.

“If you’re not the murderer then why are you trying to have me silenced? Why did you bring a gun there?”

“I’d only just witnessed them being shot and then I saw you, if it you were me, wouldn’t you take your gun out to defend yourself? As for that gun… yes, I wanted to kill him. These twenty years, I hanged on because of my hatred for Tang Guo Dong, and now you’re telling me, the person that I’ve wanted revenge on is not Tang Guo Dong’s bastard son, but my son? I don’t even know who I should vent my hatred on now, why did my life turn into this?”

“Are you done?” Tang Yi immediately unlocking the safety on his gun, and then to Shao Fei who is blocking his way, he snarls, “Get out of the way!”

The person in front of him does not move, however, raising his chin instead and staring at Tang Yi head-on, “If the murderer really is Chen Wen Hao, then why would he have stayed put after he killed them? Besides, even if he did have a reason to kill Tang Guo Dong, he definitely wouldn’t have killed Li Zhen-jie.”

“…”

At the flawless argument, even through his anger, Tang Yi finds himself frozen to the spot, before he finally lets his right hand, which is holding onto the gun, fall back to his side.

“Chen Wen Hao, I’m not taking your life (now), and when I find evidence to prove that you are the murderer, I will kill you myself!”

Once he’s done, he turns and leaves.

“Tang Yi!”

Shao Fei quickly chases after him, and attempts to hug him from the back to calm down the man whose emotions are teetering on the edge of a breakdown, but the other shakes him off, hard.

“Meng Shao Fei! You know how long I have been waiting for this day, why did you stop me? Why?”

“Because he’s not the murderer.”

“You!”

With his raised arm, the fist that is about to descend is retracted at the last moment, and instead lands heavily on the car engine’s top, the sound deafening. He then pushes away the Shao Fei who stopped him repeatedly previously, sitting in the driver’s seat and stepping on the accelerator, leaving the long-time abandoned warehouse at high speeds.

“Tang Yi…”

Shao Fei follows after him shakily, and can only watch the other drive away, standing in the same spot.

Tang household

The door is slowly pushed open to reveal a room shrouded in darkness. A man sits unmoving like a statue at the end of the bed, and with an aching heart, Shao Fei walks over, opening his arms to embrace the angry and anguished Tang Yi.

“I’m sorry… I know it’s hard for you to accept this…”

This is why when he discovered the truth, he was hesitant, because the truth would hurt the person he cares about the most.

“I don’t care if Chen Wen Hao is my biological father or not, only Tang-ye is the most important person in my life.”

“I know, so all the more we need to find the real murderer, right? Ah-“

Tang Yi pulls Shao Fei onto the bed with force, using his firm chest to cover Shao Fei’s back.

“If you don’t want this, push me away.”

The hot puff of breath coming straight from his throat comes into contact with a spot behind Shao Fei’s ear, and this is the last chance he’s giving his partner to flee from him.

Shao Fei is pressed face first on the bed, and he can even feel the other’s hardness at his butt, “I’m drenched in sweat all over, how about you let me go take a shower first… mmn…”

He’s flipped over and with his face turned up, Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi in a room that is not illuminated by any lights except for the moonlight.

Their breaths become increasingly harsh, and through their tightly pressed bodies, they can feel the other’s breaths and heartbeats with every rise of their chests.

Tang Yi supports his weight with a hand against the bed, and looks at the person lying down, “Push me away, or shall I continue? You pick one.”

The ends of Shao Fei’s mouth curve, and then he reaches up to grip at the man’s shirt, tugging him downwards until he’s right in front of him.

He answers, “Continue.”

—

“Tang Yi…”

Their tightly pressed lips slide across each other’s, the dryness turning wet with the saliva coming from the sides of the mouths, and Shao Fei never once realised that he had such an intense thirst for making love.

But perhaps he was wrong, because the other person wasn’t the person meant for him, and just like before, he never thought that one day, he would fall in love with another man. A man who’s built exactly like him.

“Sss… ha….”

Deeply inhaling after exhaling the carbon dioxide in the lobes of his lungs through the gaps between his teeth, he emits a sound left to everyone’s imaginations.

Tang Yi loosens the hands cupped around the sides of Shao Fei’s face, and gazes deeply at the eyes which have chased after him for the past four years, unwilling to give up.

“What’re you looking at me for?”

Shao Fei wants to flee, and yet cannot help but fall into himself that he sees (reflected) in Tang Yi’s eyes. How contradictory. Is this what loving someone else is like? It’s like holding a raw egg in the palm of his hands, afraid of losing grip if he holds on too lightly, but also afraid to crush it if he holds on too tightly. His heart is just like a dandelion floating in the air. It flies with the breeze from time to time, and lands without the help of the wind.

“Thankfully, I didn’t kill you then.”

He does not deny that there were a few times, Tang Yi wanted to make the cumbersome thing that was Shao Fei disappear with the simplest but also most violent way, and he is thankful to the him who decided to change his mind, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to have Meng Shao Fei in the future. At this moment, this is a Meng Shao Fei he cannot bear to let go.

Shao Fei’s mouth curves in a smile, and he compliments himself, “What a pity it would have been to kill me, you would have one less person to argue with you, and no one would point out your flaws right in your face, like I do!”

Tang Yi once again kisses the mouth that is still moving, but it’s different this time as the kiss is deeper, hotter.

“Hmm… Tang… Tang Yi…”

The tongue that slid into his mouth is exploring every inch and sensitive crevice, making sure that Shao Fei is filled with his own scent inside and out.

His competitive spirit is piqued, and Shao Fei unceremoniously returns the favour with equal fervour. His hands reach out towards Tang Yi’s back, and he tightens his hold behind the other’s neck. Pushing the tongue that’s marking its territory inside his mouth back into Tang Yi’s own mouth, he draws out the other man’s desire more passionately.

“Hnn…”

A satisfied moan sounds from his throat, akin to the purrs of a large-sized cat.

Changing the direction of their kiss endlessly, they don’t stop until they slowly run out of breath. Tang Yi’s smile is indulgent, his thumb swiping at the saliva stained on Shao Fei’s lips.

“I’ve underestimated you after all.”

Thinking that Tang Yi is praising the way he took initiative in the kiss earlier, Shao Fei smugly answers, “This is nothing, I’m like this, once I’ve decided on something, I definitely will get it.”

“No, what I mean is, I definitely underestimated you-“

Tang Yi grabs the wrist of the other’s dominant right hand and guides it to the lower half of his body until Shao Fei’s palm is pressed against the part of his body which has already hardened in reaction, before answering fully.

“-how much you tempt me.”

“…”

Because of this, Shao Fei’s ears turn red immediately, obviously visible on both sides of his face.

“What about you?”

“Don’t, don’t say anymore!”

He immediately curls backwards but is unable to avoid the palm that is already pressed against that spot between his legs, separated by the material of his light blue denim jeans. On the already hardened spot, Tang Yi rubs, his hand moving up and down.

“You’re hard too.”

Tang Yi’s tone reveals delight as he says this. Knowing that it is not only just his one-sided attraction to the man, Tang Yi grabs onto the hardened member under Shao Fei’s pants with pride, feeling Shao Fei’s thirst for him and also coming clean with how much he wants Shao Fei.

“Of course, it’d be weird if I wasn’t hard from our intense kiss earlier.”

Shao Fei turns his face away out of embarrassment at having his cock caressed like this under his jeans, but ends up revealing his red ears to Tang Yi. As a predator, just like a large feline creature, Tang Yi naturally is not willing to miss out on this opportunity, and so he opens his mouth and with his sharp teeth, he targets Shao Fei’s left ear, and bites down.

“A-hah!” Shao Fei startles at the pain, inadvertently making a pornographic sound.

A tongue delves into Shao Fei’s sensitive ear, and the wet sounds as Tang Yi licks at his skin causes his member to fully harden.

“Tang… Tang Yi…”

“Hmm?”

Tang Yi responds to the other’s soft call in a deep, nasal tone lazily, his sharp teeth rubbing against the soft spots of Shao Fei’s ear. This thrill, which he both anticipates and is afraid of, makes Shao Fei’s body shudder again and again.

“You… can’t be…” he swallows, then asks, testing the waters, “…thinking of topping me, can you?”

Sexual intercourse between two men means that one of them has to be on the receiving end, unlike sex between a male and a female, where the male is always the one driving the desire of the other.

“If not? You want to top me?” Tang Yi asks, laughing as he frees Shao Fei’s left ear from his teeth, and turning Shao Fei’s face towards himself.

“Who said that I must definitely be under you? I can-“

“Shh,” Tang Yi says, his eyes curved as he puts up a finger to Shao Fei’s lips.

“Of course I’ll be topping you, because I began loving you way before your confession on the hospital rooftop.”

“When?”

“The abandoned hut in the mountains, do you remember? The things you said to me.”

“Tang Yi, you genuinely want to leave the underworld and that’s why you’re trying to reform, right?”

“I’m using this as a ruse and pretending to go legal, but in actual fact I am-“

“My bad, I was too full of myself to just think you were like that… Tang Yi, I’m sorry!”

“…”

“Hey, I’ve already said so much, you should at least give me a response?”

“This is the first time I’ve seen a monkey capable of reflecting on himself.”

“Hey! Who’re you calling a monkey? I’m telling you, even if you are sincere in wanting to reform I will still be watching you. As long as you use any illegal methods, I will still arrest you and throw you into jail!”

“You’ll keep watching me?”

“Yes! Watching you! Using both my eyes to watch you!”

“Okay, then I’ll let you always, always, always watch me.”

“From then on, I realised that when I look at you, I experience a different kind of emotion.”

It was just that at that time, he still did not understand that this was a sign of a budding love quietly planting itself his heart.

“It was then,” Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi in disbelief.

He thought he was fated for a rejection after having loved Tang Yi first, and in the end, the person who fell in love first was actually Tang Yi.

“Okay! I admit defeat, I’ll let you top me.”

There is no winning or losing in love, there is only whether he is willing or not. And he is both willing and accepting of this.

“Don’t worry and give yourself to me, I definitely won’t disappoint you with my skills.”

—

“Ah…. Hah….”

Shao Fei sits at the head of the Super King bed, biting at his bottom as he watches Tang Yi, who has his face buried in the lower half of his body. The man is like a devout follower, crouching between his separated legs, which have long been divested of his jeans and underwear, thrown to the floor next to the bed. Just like how they do it in dramas, whenever sex happens, the floor is always littered with clothing items.

“If you’re uncomfortable, remember to tell me.”

After the reminder, Tang Yi once again buries his head between Shao Fei’s legs, gripping onto his upright member and using his tongue to lick at the sensitive head.

“Ahah…” Shao Fei opens his mouth and inhales at this.

He’s never had a girlfriend and could only ever use both his hands to satisfy his desires. Even though he has seen this image thousands of times, he has only been able to see this on several unsavoury sites. Who knew that when he is surrounded by someone’s mouth, the feeling would be this pleasurable. Being licked by a wet tongue triumphs over the satisfaction he feels when he masturbates by hand.

“Tang… Tang Yi…”

He can only call the other’s name repeatedly, just like a child who has just learnt to speak, his mind going increasingly hot, speechless.

“Hnn, mnn-hmm…”

Tang Yi retracts his tongue and then swallows the hard organ whole. Although Shao Fei’s size is not huge, it still fills up every crevice of his mouth.

“Ahah… oh god… oh god…”

His hardened member is suddenly engulfed by a hot and wet place and as it ventures deeper and deeper into the mouth, and because of Tang Yi’s gag reflex leading to the uncontrollable contractions of the throat, his red tip is being tightly squeezed. The pleasure rushes up suddenly from his groin, and he almost has an out-of-body experience from this.

His ten fingers are curled up in Tang Yi’s hair; he wants to push away the head that is making repeated bobbing motions, but is also unable to resist pressing the back of Tang Yi’s head forward whenever he moves downwards, all to get further into the deeper parts of his mouth.

The pressure on the back of Tang Yi’s head is too forceful, but Tang Yi resists his gag reflex from having this hard cock down his throat with only a furrow of his brows, as he continues to draw out Shao Fei’s pleasure.

“Ah… Ahah… Ahah….”

Not enough, it’s not enough!

He wants more, he wants it deeper, he wants to feel even greater pleasure!

His brain and loud thoughts drive Shao Fei’s body to lift up his waist and send his member into the deepest part of Tang Yi’s throat as he presses on the back of the other’s head.

“Mmhm-“

“Ahah… ahah… ah-“

The lines between Shao Fei’s eyebrows deepen as he gradually loses control over his movements. Tang Yi does not stop Shao Fei’s almost-violent motions until Shao Fei loses himself entirely in a thrust and shouts, a thick liquid spilling into his mouth.

Finally spent, his raised hips naturally drop back onto the bed in its original position, and the movement has his softened member sliding out of Tang Yi’s mouth after his release.

Tang Yi turns over, opening his mouth and coughing incessantly to expel the mixture of cum and saliva lodged deep in the back of his throat. It drips onto the floor next to he bed, sliding down Tang Yi’s mouth and jaw.

“Tang Yi! Tang Yi are you okay?”

After Shao Fei calms his harsh breaths, he finally realises how despicable his earlier actions were and immediately sits up. Feeling guilty, his arm goes around Tang Yi’s shoulder as he looks at the man he loves, hurting for him.

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

Tang Yi lifts his left arm and wipes away the traces of Shao Fei’s release left on his mouth and jaw, then seriously says, “As long as it’s something you want to do, I will not stop you.”

It doesn’t matter if it was Shao Fei’s relentless chase throughout the past four years, or his almost violent actions during sex.

“You! Damn it!”

Tightly clenched fists strike against the soft bed, and his heart lurches, biting at his lower lip. Then, Shao Fei hooks his hands around Tang Yi’s neck as they fall backwards, hard.

The bed makes a twinge of protest at the force of their weights.

Tang Yi stares at Shao Fei who’s trapped under him, waiting for the other to tell him why he’s acting like that.

“Tang Yi you listen to me! No matter how much I say it hurts later, you’re not allowed to stop. I want to use everything I have, and love you fully!”

The ends of Tang Yi’s mouth curve upwards, and then seductively he says, “If you dare to seduce me, then you must be responsible for putting out the fire.”

“Who’s scared of who? At most I will just ask for leave from the station tomorrow!”

“Meng Shao Fei…”

“What?”

“Remember to call in sick for a few more days.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m very certain that when you’re able to leave this bed, it’ll be at least two days later.”

“Fuck! Mmm-hmm-“

Tang Yi, I regret it already! Let me go!

Tang Yi!

—

“Remove your hands!” Tang Yi orders, glaring at Shao Fei who is using his hands to cover his face.

“I don’t want… it’s… hah…. it’s so embarrassing…”

His ankles are caught in Tang Yi’s hands, his legs spread wide and his butt lifted up as Tang Yi’s cock forcefully thrusts inwards, emitting wet sounds. Because this position allows him to clearly see this secret spot, a spot which his fingers have never come into contact with in the past 30 years, and yet it is this very same spot that is being driven hard into repeatedly by another man’s hardened cock.

“Ah… ah…. Tang Yi… you… don’t…. you’re too much… a…hah…”

Damn it! How is this guy’s stamina so good?

“Remove your hands!” Tang Yi frowns.

He likes seeing the way Shao Fei’s face is flushed red because of him, the expression he’s making as he is in trapped the depths of lovemaking, out of control.

“Ah-ah!”

Another deep thrust and Shao Fei cries out even louder than before.

“Meng Shao Fei!”

He warns in a low growl. On this planet, it is only this person who would dare to oppose him twice in a row.

“Ahah… jerk… Tang Yi you’re a fucking jerk-“

Shao Fei removes his hands from his face, and with what he thinks is a fierce gaze, he glares at the man who’s thrusting into his body. Tang Yi licks at the corner of his mouth and smiles, satisfied, “It’s a really nice expression, why would you hide it?”

His hips are aching and his legs hurt from the intense workout, and Shao Fei doesn’t know that what he thinks is a powerful frightening expression, looks like a tiny cat with its claws out to Tang Yi. Cute, and it makes Tang Yi want to bite him, hard. And so he does as he wishes, loosening the hold he has around Shao Fei’s ankles, letting both of Shao Fei’s legs fall back onto the bed, and then he lowers his body and bites hard on Shao Fei’s left nipple.

“Hmm… you… you bit me!!”

“Only you, Meng Shao Fei, would dare to let me repeat the same instruction thrice.”

With both hands on each side of Shao Fei’s waist, and different from the heavy and intense thrusts from earlier, Tang Yi settles into a slower rhythm. In this tightly filled channel, Tang Yi’s cock is well lubricated with the help of pre-cum left inside, and with the tip of his alarmingly-sized member, he unceremoniously strikes against Shao Fei’s prostate.

He drives Shao Fei’s pleasure towards the peak again and again, but before he can truly reach it, Tang Yi would retreat. Shao Fei, who is pressed under him, is just like that rock which is endlessly pushed by Hercules in Greek mythology as he is unable to obtain the highest pleasure from this.

“Hah… hah-ah… Tang Yi you… you… purposely… ha-ah, you purposely-“

“It’s so difficult to serve Officer Meng. If I fuck you too hard, you say you’re embarrassed, and now that I’m fucking you slowly, you say it’s not enough. Unless… this body, instead of me treating it gently, you wish for me to torture you mercilessly?”

“Shut… shut up…”

Absolutely not intending to admit that he does indeed want to be fucked hard, into his deepest parts, Shao Fei is almost driven insane by this slow friction. Biting at his lips and staring at the evil man, he curses him in the back of his mind, and then suddenly hugs his arms around Tang Yi’s neck, using a grappling technique to hook his legs behind Tang Yi’s back.

Tang Yi squints, looking at Shao Fei, who has attacked him with such a move.

“Damn it! Since you won’t move, I’ll move!”

With that said, he lifts his butt upwards and takes the initiative to ride Tang Yi’s cock with his soft entrance. Although it’s very tiring and almost impossible for him, it at least makes him feel good.

“Ha… ah…. ah…..”

Using his hole to rub against the hard member, Shao Fei finally finds the uncomfortable sensation being alleviated. But… it’s not enough…

“Ah-ah… Tang Yi… help me… hurry up and help me… It’s not… enough like this… ah…hah… it’s not enough….”

“Beg me.”

“I beg you, I beg…”

“Beg me to fuck you?”

“Yes… I can’t, I can’t take it anymore, hurry…. hurry up and fuck me, fuck me hard, ah-ah…”

Shao Fei shakes his head, scattering the hair strands on his forehead, stuck there by sweat.

Finally hearing the other man’s initiative, his hands lock around Shao Fei’s waist, and then Tang Yi thrusts heavily into the spot that will make Shao Fei cry out the loudest.

—

Having completed their intense lovemaking, both men lie on the bed on their sides facing each other.

“I can’t, I’m going to sleep first, goodnight,” Shao Fei yawns, and then shuts his eyes.

“Sleep then! Goodnight.”

Tang Yi looks at his lover’s face, and recalls what Tang-ye said to him before…

“Xiao Tang, one of these days there’ll be that person that will make you understand what a marvellous feeling it is to live a simple and normal life.”

At that time, he didn’t believe Lao Tang’s words at all. To him, being normal means allowing oneself to be bullied, and he does not want to be bullied anymore. Thus, he needs to become stronger, until no one dares to hinder his way and stop him from doing what he wants to do.

“Tang Yi! I’m chasing you for life!”

But there is indeed one such person, who stumbled his way into his tightly guarded heart, who said this to him standing on the hospital’s rooftop as he pointed at him.

“Tang Yi.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you give me a wish?”

“Okay.”

“I wish that I will be at your side for every birthday from now on, and with me around, you’ll no longer be alone.”

He thought it would be a lonely birthday, but instead he received a cake that made him so touched, a cake made personally by Shao Fei, even though it didn’t look very nice. And…

The third birthday wish, promising the rest of his life to Tang Yi.

“Lao Tang, I finally believe in what you said.”

Tang Yi’s mouth curves in a faint smile. He caresses at Shao Fei’s lips with his finger, and repeats what he said told Shao Fei before…

“Meng Shao Fei, you made my life so different. You made me experience warmth again, so I hope you live on well, for my sake.”

“Also, I love you. I really, really, love you.”

At a riverbank

“Why did you arrange to meet?” Yan Zheng Qiang asks, his back facing another person who is approaching from behind him.

“I just wanted to tell Sir that my previous mission is over.”

The man with red hair responds to the other person standing at the riverbank with a seemingly harmless smile on his face. Yan Zheng Qiang turns, and considers Jack, who has delivered a USB into his hands.

“This includes all of Xing Tian Meng’s information, and also what you care about the most, Chen Wen Hao’s current list of deals and channels.”

“The information has been verified?”

“Of course.”

“You’re as good as expected, it’s not a waste of the station to hire you at high costs.”

Jack smiles and accepts the other’s compliment, then says, “Since this mission is already over, let’s talk about our next one, I believe Interpol will be very interested in this.”

“I’m listening.”

“Chen Wen Hao’s actual battle place, a complete set of information from Cambodia.”

Yan Zheng Qiang’s eyes narrows as he looks at Jack in disbelief, “These few years, despite having worked with the Cambodian government, we have been unable to penetrate this drug channel. Chen Wen Hao has planned everything well and has corrupted both the good and bad in the region, just you alone, you’ll be able to reach in?”

“If it’s just me, of course I wouldn’t have any solution, but it’s a different matter altogether if Chen Wen Hao personally invites me in.”

“For a mercenary who does as he’s paid, you’re actually giving up the interests laid out before your eyes?”

Jack shrugs and smiles, “It can’t be helped. Who asked me to have a liking for thrilling challenges, and I get more intrigued by things that are more difficult to obtain. Don’t worry, since I have taken the initiative to cooperate on this, the price is negotiable, as long as you deal with Xing Tian Meng for me, I will be able to help you infiltrate this channel. How’s that, are we good on this deal? Or not?”

Yan Zheng Qiang thinks about this for a bit, and then reaches out with his right hand, “Okay, we will be responsible for dealing with the aftermath of your leaving Xing Tian Meng, and I hope you will be able to give us more information of the drug trafficking deals in Southeast Asia.

Jack returns the handshake, and smiles, “No problem, sir, may our cooperation be pleasant.”

—

“If the murderer from four years ago is not Chen Wen Hao, then who is it?” Zhao Zi mumbles to himself dejectedly as he walks on the road, having just left work at the station.

“Shorty, is there gold on the floor? Aren’t you afraid of hitting something if you walk with your head down like that?”

Having just looked up, he sees Jack squatting at his doorstep, and who knows how long he has been waiting here?

“Why’re you here?”

Jack stands up, pinching at the other’s cheek, and teases, “I wanted to see you, so I came.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t have the mood to joke with you today.”

“I’m very serious, shorty…” Jack loosens the grip he has on the other’s cheek and his tone is suddenly somber, “if I can’t come and see you for a period of time, will you miss me?”

Frightened, Zhao Zi’s eyes go wide as he looks about his surroundings anxiously, “What did you do? Was it something illegal?”

“I can’t say and I don’t want to implicate you in this,” Jack shakes his head, his mouth curving up in a forced smile.

At this, Zhao Zi is even more certain that Jack has done something bad that he can be arrested for, and immediately takes out his keys to open the door without paying the person next to him any mind.

“You haven’t answered my question from earlier-“

Jack has only just opened his mouth and is immediately dragged into the house, the other covering his mouth, and as they walk, Zhao Zi says in a low voice, “Hey! Speak softer, what if you’re found out by someone else? Damn it, you still dare to come to me after having done something illegal, did you forget that I’m a police officer, and all my colleagues are policer officers? I can let you hide for a night, but tomorrow you have to leave first thing in the morning.”

“Pfft!!!”

Jack pulls down the palm covering his mouth and with a tug, he brings the man into his embrace and kisses at his cheek.

“Hurry up and answer me. If i left, would you miss me? And do you like me or not?”

Zhao Zi does not reply, and quietly closes the door with reddened ears.

Police station rooftop

Shi Da Pao sits on the rooftop of the station by himself, his mouth biting at a cigarette as he stares at the moon-less sky. Around his feet on the ground, several cigarette butts lay, and it’s apparent that he has been sitting here for a while now.

“Whoo…”

Another heavy exhale of white smoke leaves his mouth.

The wallet he has between his fingertips holds a photo of his daughter when she was younger, and every time he was tired at work he would open his wallet and look at it a few times, thinking about how he would be able to see her run to him happily when he get home, and with her arms raised, she would shout, “Daddy, a hug!”

No matter how much pressure he was under, everything was easily forgotten. His daughter is his power bank, always giving him power which is full of love and hope.

“Xiao Ya… Daddy is sorry, he is sorry…”

On the protective plastic cover over the photo, teardrops continue to fall one after the other.

He then wipes away the teardrops on the plastic film and shuts the wallet with the photo inside, and then throws the last cigarette onto the ground. He gets to his feet and uses the bottom of his shoe to stamp out the cigarette and then leaves the rooftop as a cool breeze blows over him.

He heads downstairs and walks into the floor with the label ‘Inspections Team’.

Tang household

“Good, good morning.”

Finally having the strength to leave the bed, Shao Fei sees Tang Yi who is already preparing breakfast when he walks into the kitchen, and immediately shifts his gaze, greeting Tang Yi awkwardly.

“Are you still okay?”

Tang Yi looks up and sees the other person who has one hand pressed at his waist as he pulls a chair at the dining table back and sits down, and Tang Yi’s mouth curves upwards.

“Great, I’m great, I’m totally reinvigorated and filled with energy- sss….”

Wanting to pretend that everything is fine, Shao Fei has only just straightened his back when that spot begins to throb, after having been put through the grinder the previous night.

“Officer Meng’s stamina is not bad.”

“Of course.”

“Then next time I don’t have to be considerate towards your body, and can do it until I’m satisfied.”

“What? You did it twice yesterday and you’re still not satisfied?”

With a red face, Shao Fei looks at the Xing Tian Meng leader in alarm, who after doing so many things to him, could not only carry him to the bathroom to clean him up, but also wake up bright and early in the morning to make breakfast.

Tang Yi’s smile deepens as he places the already made breakfast in front of his lover, and then opens the fridge to take out a coke, placing it on the table. Then, he pulls out a chair and sits down opposite Shao Fei.

“Tang Yi…”

Shao Fei observes the other’s reaction, and after hesitating for quite a while, he opens his mouth finally, “If you find the murderer before me, please hand him over to me, and don’t put me in a difficult position between my relationship and duty to my profession.”

If Tang Yi kills someone, then he will be a criminal who must face the punishment of law, and as a police officer enforcing said laws, Shao Fei will have to arrest him.

Tang Yi looks up and watches this man, who aside from his adoptive mother, Tang-ye and Hong Ye, is the fourth person whose life is more important than his own, and changes the topic, “Head to work after you’re done eating!”

“Tang Yi…”

Shao Fei wants to try and persuade him again, but he’s interrupted by a Jack who has just walked into the kitchen.

“Boss, we caught He Hang.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there.”

Tang Yi, in the moment he gets up and leaves the table, is immediately caught by the man seated opposite him.

“Leave it to the police!”

Looking at the other’s determined gaze, Tang Yi sighs, and removing Shao Fei’s hand, he says, “All i can promise you is to send him to you while he’s alive.”

“…”

Shao Fei watches as Jack and Tang Yi leave together, and then the phone he has in his pocket rings. The moment he picks up, he hears Zhao Zi’s panicked and rushed voice.

“Zhao Zi what is it? What? You said laoda turned himself in at the inspections team?”

Investigative Team Three

“Zhao Zi be clear, what do you mean by laoda turning himself in to the inspections team?”

Shao Fei asks Zhao Zi who is waiting at the door once he sees him, after having rushed from Tang Yi’s house back to the team with his foot stepping aggressively on the accelerator on his way back.

“I’m not sure either, but Jun Wei went to ask, and it seems like laoda admitted that he was secretly involved in the resale of drugs back to the underworld.”

“How is that possible? Why would laoda do that? What’s the motive? What motive does he have?”

“Could it have something to do with Xiao Ya’s surgery give years ago?”

After Zhao Zi says this, everyone descends into silence, and only Yu Qi asks, confused.

“What happened to Xiao Ya, what surgery?”

Zhao Zi looks at his junior and explains what happened five years ago, ‘You only joined the team last year so you don’t know, but Xiao Ya was really sick last time, and what was it…”

“Leukaemia,” Shao Fei continues where Zhao Zi left off. “At that time laoda was almost driven insane from desperation, and there were no matching bone marrows locally. Everyone on the team helped to check if they were matches, but none of us were suitable.”

Standing at the side, Jun Wei sighs, “After finding one for a year, just when everyone thought there was no hope left, laoda suddenly found a matching bone marrow from some other channel, and that’s how he saved Xiao Ya.”

“Could it be that laoda resold the drugs to the underworld because he needed the money to save Xiao Ya?”

Everyone’s expression is somber, silently agreeing with their junior’s deduction.

Then, the phone on the table rings, and Jun Wei rushes over to pick it up, but his face falls when he hears what the latest new update is.

“What is it?”

Jun Wei looks at Shao Fei who has walked over, and answers, “Top brass wants to open a large scale internal investigation, and that another member from the team is involved in the case.”

“Who?”

“Ah Zhi.”

Everyone immediately turns to look at the seat that originally belongs to Zhou Guan Zhi, and Shao Fei becomes uneasy.

“Zhao Zi, where’s Ah Zhi?”

“I haven’t seen him from just now onwards.”

“Go with me to find him at his house.”

“Okay.”

Shao Fei rushes out quickly after finishing what he said, and Zhao Zi swiftly follows, one hand clutched tight around his phone. Seeing her seniors leave so hurriedly, Yu Qi asks Jun Wei, dumbfounded, “First it’s laoda, and then it’s Ah Zhi-ge. We are police officers, right? Our job is to uphold justice, and go after criminals, right? Then why…”

The woman’s eyes go red and she is unable to say anymore. Jun Wei pats at her shoulder with a sigh, unsure how he can reassure the other as well.

Private club, inside a room

“I didn’t think you would come and beg me,” Si He Hui’s leader looks at the bills piled on the table in front of him and says, sarcastic.

Zhou Guan Zhi looks at Lao Ke, his palms sweating, “Ke-san, I know you have contacts, anywhere in Southeast Asia is fine, all I ask is that I am able to leave here as soon as possible.”

“You brought the team to ‘take care’ of me just a while ago, and now you’re begging me? Officer Zhou, you’re trying to fool me, is it?”

“Ke-san, we’ve known each other for more than a decade, and you know exactly how many times I’ve let you go in between, and besides…” Zhou Guan Zhi’s eyes darken, and he hints, “You still have some ‘items’ in my possession, and as long as you arrange for me to leave, I will make sure those things disappear from now onwards.”

Lao Ke side eyes the person sitting in front of him, and laughs, the sound cold, “If it wasn’t because you had no choice but to leave the team you wouldn’t even be here looking for me, so I’m afraid those things you have on me, you won’t be able to use them yourself.”

“You’re right, I won’t have any use for them, but Ke-san don’t forget, my colleagues are still eyeing Si He Hui’s every move, and I’m very sure they will be happy to receive these ‘things’.”

Lao Ke’s expression freezes immediately, and after a moment of hesitation, a smile returns to his face, “Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out. Fine, I’ll help you this one, but the price…”

“Another 10,000 NTD, I will give after I’m on the boat.”

Zhou Guan Zhi takes out another 10,000 NTD from the backpack he has on him, then puts it back inside.

“No problem, the location and time I will let Officer Zhou know later.”

“Okay.”

After confirming his escape route, Zhou Guan Zhi opens the door and after checking his surroundings to make sure no one is following him, he then walks out of the room with his head down.

Inside the club, Chen Wen Hao is speaking to another man surnamed Wang as they walk out from another room.

“Xiao Wang, I’ll leave finding the person to you.”

“Chen-ye, leave it to me! I’m just very curious, is the person you’re looking for really so important?”

“Very important, and he’s not easy to find because I’ve never seen his face and only remember his back, and it is also an impression from four years ago. Just from these clues, asking you to help me is indeed trouble for you.”

“Chen-ye you stand on too much ceremony with me by saying that, don’t worry! Even if you give me just a single strand of his hair, I will be able to dig him up.”

“Good, then I’ll have to entrust you with this.”

Chen Wen Hao reaches out and somberly shakes the other’s hand. Right at this moment, however, the door to the room in front of them suddenly opens, and Chen Wen Hao casually looks at the other once. Just as he’s about to look away, that person suddenly pulls up the hood on his shirt, and then quickly leaves, his expression full of anxiety.

In that moment, the scene before him aligns with the hazy memory he has from four years ago. He points at the other man and orders, “Get him!”

“Yes.”

His two men rush over immediately from behind him, and restrain the hooded man on the ground.

Outside an apartment

Numerous members from Investigative Team One stand inside Zhou Guan Zhi’s apartment, and plenty of items are scattered all over the ground.

Shao Fei and Zhao Zi have only just reached the door, and before they can say a word, the officer standing outside the door stops them.

“I’m sorry, we are searching through the house right now, so the both of you cannot go in.”

Shao Fei looks at the other and asks, “A search? I’m from Team Three, can I ask what’s the situation right now?”

The man standing at the door side eyes these two officers who have turned up in a hurry, and answers, “Zhou Guan Zhi is suspected to be involved in a homicide case four years ago, and also a drug trafficking case. The warrant for his arrest is out.”

“Homicide? Which one?” Shao Fei persists.

“I’m sorry, due to confidentiality, we are unable to reveal much.”

Zhao Zi tugs at his good friend’s sleeve and says, “Ah Fei, we should leave here first and see if we can find Ah Zhi.”

“Mnn.”

As Shao Fei walks down the stairs, he thinks about what the person just said, and suddenly realises what the last piece of the puzzle of four years ago is…

Five years ago, laoda resold the drugs confiscated by the police because he urgently needed the money for Xiao Ya’s leukaemia treatment, and Zhou Guan Zhi was one of the people involved.

Four years ago, Tang Guo Dong who had begun reforming Xing Tian Meng met up with Li Zhen-jie, and according to what Chen Wen Hao said, Tang Guo Dong once handed over a package to Li Zhen-jie, but after the homicide happened, that package was taken away by the shooter.

And now, Zhou Guan Zhi is involved in a homicide that happened four years ago, and this is related to drug trafficking.

It can’t be-

“I know who the murderer from four years ago is!” Shao Fei shouts at Zhao Zi who’s standing in the stairwell, his feet coming to a stop.

“What? Ah Fei you know?”

“Zhao Zi, I’m going to go find Tang Yi, you hurry head to the station and get some people over, hurry! Any later and we won’t make it!”

“What do you mean by we won’t make it? Ah Fei! Ah Fei!”

With that said, and not caring about Zhao Zi’s calls, he immediately rushes down the stairs. He opens the door to the car he parked in the alleyway and sits in the driver’s seat.

“Tang Yi, you must not do anything foolish!”

Inside the speeding car, Shao Fei frowns as he holds onto the steering wheel, then steps harder on the gas pedal, quickly driving towards Tang Yi’s house.

Tang household

“Tang Yi!”

Shao Fei pushes aside the Xing Tian Meng lackeys that are blocking his way to the living room, and once he goes in, he sees Zhou Guan Zhi with his hands tied behind his back, his face bloodied as he kneels on the ground. In front of him on the table, a picture of Tang Guo Dong and a gun is placed there.

Tang Yi stands next to the table and glares at Tang Guo Dong’s murderer in anger from a higher angle, and then reveals a cruel smirk. His fingers are dripping with Zhou Guan Zhi’s blood.

“Ah Fei! Save me! I beg you please save me!” Zhou Guan Zhi hollers anxiously, seeing that the person who walked in is someone familiar, as if this is his only chance of survival.

“You still don’t intend to tell me the truth? Good, since this mouth is of no use, I shall knock out your teeth one by one.”

Tang Yi cracks his knuckles, the sound of his bones interlocking echoing.

“Tang Yi…”

Shao Fei walks until he’s in front of this man, whose murderous intent is apparent. Looking into his eyes, he tries to calm the person whose emotions are out of control down.

“If you kill him right now, we’ll never know the truth! You let me bring him back to the station to investigate, and I promise I’ll give you the truth back from four years ago.”

“The truth?” Tang Yi sneers, and says, “I don’t need to know the truth, all I need to know is that this is the person who killed Tang-ye and that is enough!”

Shao Fei sighs as he turns around and walks to Zhou Guan Zhi, and from start to end says what he found out.

“Ah Zhi-ge, I already know that the people who released the confiscated drugs from the station is you and laoda. Li Zhen-jie, who has always hated drugs, must have found out about this and so cooperated with Tang Guo Dong to find the internal mole in the station, but they would never have thought that the people she was looking for were the both of you.”

“…”

Zhou Guan Zhi glares at Shao Fei, who has deduced most of what happened, his entire body trembling.

“I just don’t understand, laoda did it to raise the funds needed for Xiao Ya’s medical fees, then what did you do it for? That you needed such a huge sum of money?”

“Gambling debts…”

Shao Fei inhales sharply, his eyes reddening as he looks at his colleague, who he has gone through so much with, and then asks, “Then why did you kill Li Zhen-jie and Tang Guo Dong?”

“I… I didn’t… I didn’t…” the person who still refuses to tell the truth shakes his head vehemently.

Tang Yi picks up the gun on the table and presses it against Zhou Guan Zhi’s forehead, then unlocks the safety. As long as Tang Yi’s index finger moves on the trigger, he will turn into a cold corpse. In the face of the threat of death, Zhou Guan Zhi sobs and yells at the only person who can save him now, Shao Fei, as if mad.

“Yes! It was me! It was me! He Hang told me it was Li Li Zhen and Tang Guo Dong who were cooperating to investigate the people in the station, and he said I would be done for, so I… Ah Fei… please bring me back to the station… I beg you… I don’t want to die here, I really don’t want to die… Ah Fei…”

“Tang Yi, let me bring him back.”

Shao Fei looks at the man, who has blood and tears all over his face, with both disgust and anger. He heads over to Tang Yi’s side and reaches out to press down on the muzzle of the gun pointed at Zhou Guan Zhi’s forehead.

Even though he knows the truth, Shao Fei can barely resist the urge to beat up this man, who he once thought of to be his brother, but as a police officer he has to stick to his duties and the law. This is a line he will not compromise on.

“These four years, all I’ve been thinking of everyday is how to take revenge for Tang-ye!”

“But I can’t watch you kill someone in front of my eyes.”

“Then arrest me!”

Bam!

The sound of a gun firing shocks the three people present in the living room.

Blood drips down his fingertips onto the floor incessantly.

“Don��t.. don’t kill others…”

Shao Fei, who pushed Zhou Guan Zhi aside and dived towards the gun, says weakly as he looks at the man who is holding onto him tightly.

“Why did you have to stop me like this….”

Tears fall uncontrollably onto Shao Fei’s face.

“As long as I can stop you from killing others, I.. it doesn’t matter….”

Wanting to use his usual tone and smile to chase away the shadows cast over the other’s heart at present, Shao Fei is unable to even lift up an arm to wipe away his lover’s tears.

“Meng Shao Fei, you’re the stupidest police officer I’ve ever seen.”

“And that’s why I fell in love with you, is that not?”

Those pale lips curve indulgently, and he turns his head a little, wanting to see the other man’s expression more clearly, but he pulls at the bleeding wound on his right chest.

“Don’t move.”

Tang Yi uses a hand and presses at the gunshot wound, applying pressure to slow down the flow of blood, and at the same time uses his bloodied hand to make a call as he says anxiously, “I need an ambulance here, someone was shot.”

“Meng Shao Fei, you better live on well.”

Shao Fei’s heart cannot bear to see Tang Yi’s tears as they fall continuously onto his face, and looking at the man who has said this through gritted teeth in a threatening tone, it’s as if they have gone back to the days of their first meeting.

That stoic, expressionless Xing Tian Meng leader that no one dares to approach-

-Tang Yi.

#history3: trapped #history 3: 圈套 #history 3: trapped #history3 novel #h3t #tangfei #tang yi #shao fei #translations

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xnchxntmxnt · 3 years

Note

This is my first time ever doing an event so if I put this in the wrong spot I am soooooooo sorry.

Alex

She/her/hers

Virgo

Male but if you really feel female that’s totally cool

I’d describe myself as shy until you know me then I’m weird, I tend to really worry about what people say so putting myself out their can be hard but I’m a super touchy person once I know you

I love photography, reading and cooking/baking

In a partner I want someone who understands that I have bad days/weeks, someone who is funny and honest A big deal breaker would be if they don’t have any respect for those around them and cheating

I switch from wearing all black or dark colors to pretty sundress with bright colors. I love steam punk style and totally wish I could pull it off

The colors that best describe me are probably yellows and blues. And my favorite color is purple

Top 3 songs right now are Just like fire, Vices, and Play with Fire. My music taste varies a lot but my favorite artists are Panic at the Disco, Black Veil Brides, and Pink

Thank you for your writing. Also CONGRATULATIONS!

@maleficents-minion

You did everything great! No worries, that’s exactly how you do this! Thank you for participating & thank you for the congrats! I’m glad you like my writing :)

After reading, I’m gonna put you with…

✧ 𝑌𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑢𝑐ℎ𝑖 𝑇𝑎𝑑𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 ✧

God ur lucky I love this man anyways

✧ 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡 ✧

Okay, consider,,, Yamaguchi + photography

I can so totally imagine this heads up like

It’s perfect if I do say so myself

He was thrilled because he got a camera he’d been saving for years

This dude was so smiley and couldn’t shut up about the camera

He and Tsukki went to a park to get pictures of the cherry blossoms while they were in bloom because he always thought they were beautiful

When he was there he saw you in his camera for a second, just walking by

He almost dropped the camera jfc

He was like ASDFGHJKL TSUKKI PRETTY GIRL

Tsukki laughed at him like

“Talk to her dummy I’ll hold your camera”

“I CAN’T TALK TO HER SHES TO PRETTY”

“I think she heard you”

He goes BRIGHT RED and just whips around

A couple of feet away you’re staring at the ground, also red, but smiling nevertheless

So he does

He goes over to talk to you and he’s awkward and blushy and smiley but the awkwardness is kinda charming

He tries apologizing and you’re like “no it was kinda cute”

Which makes him more embarrassed but still smiley

You two spend a while talking before Tsukki gets bored and walks over to him and is like “so did you get her number yet” and the process starts all over again

Safe to say, the two of you ended up seeing each other again

✧ 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠 ✧

Because of how you two met, he calls you his cherry blossom I don’t make the rules (i mean I do but--)

He’s your strawberry

He does the little nose rub thingy a lot

He’ll get excited and he’s lean his forehead against yours, then bump your nose with his, then kiss the end of your nose

Call you beautiful if he’s in a sappy mood

Okay okay consider

E y e l i d k i s s e s

He loves it when you count his freckles

Like he’ll just stare lovingly at you as you ghost your finger over his cheek

Making little constellations or doodles like connecting the dots

He just stares at you with the biggest heart eyes ever

He’s so in love

He’ll love to read with you

Read to him

He’ll read to you

You two can sit with music on and just read your own books and just vibe

Growing up with Tsukki he’s not used to quiet there’s always music on whenever you do anything

Including baking

He’ll steal you away while you’re covered in flour & other things and pull you in and dance with you

He’ll sneak up behind you and snitch food

Sometime’s he’ll help but he likes seeing you so passionate about baking

Honey if you’re having a bad day, he’s the best

You don’t want to talk to anyone? He’ll leave you to your space. Maybe send you a couple of paragraphs about how much he loves you a couple of hours later

You wanna cuddle up and watch tv? He’s there with your favorite snacks

He finds cherry blossom petals and dries them and givens them to you in a little jar for the ~aesthetic~ but also cause they remind him of you

Am I imagining him giving you a jar of petals with a ring at the bottom to propose to you? Not at all why do you ask

you r best bet is just

Love him

Love him a lot

Give him the validation and support he needs and he’ll give it back tenfold

He loves you so much, just love him in return and you’ll be happy forever

✧ 𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑇𝑎𝑑𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 ✧

P I C N I C S

He’s so sappy sometimes but it’s so endearing

For an anniversary or something, he’ll take you to the park where you met and you’ll have a little picnic

Especially during the evening so you can take pictures

He offers to give you a little photoshoot during the sunset

And you accept under the condition that you get to take pictures of him too

So you do and a picture of you becomes his home screen for a long time (it’s always different pictures of you though)

You watch the stars after the sun goes down, talking about anything and everything

It started with him with his head in your lap and you playing with his hair

Then eventually you laid down too and managed to wind up with your head against his chest and curled up against him all comfy

✧ 𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 ✧

Geminis are very good communicators, which sparks curiosity about Scorpio’s personality (who are not as much so). They’re very good at sparking new ideas and developing them further together. With good communication, they can be a very good fit for each other. Both signs’ egos and pride can become a problem, but if kept in check, it could be a good relationship.

I feel bad there wasn’t a lot of information I could find supporting gemini+scorpio relationships but I said I will go down with this ship so here we are

✧ 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐 ✧

You gave me a lot of different ideas and I totally love steampunk! You could totally pull it off. But I think this sums you two up well...

✧ 𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ✧

Tadashi gives me more chill, bedroom pop/acoustic music vibes, so I tried to find a combination you could both enjoy. Also, I listen to similar music, good choices :)

Cover Me In Sunshine - P!nk

Iris - Sleeping With Sirens

Nine In The Afternoon - Panic! At The Disco

Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco

If I’m Lucky - State Champs

Somewhere In Neverland (Acoustic) - All Time Low

Runners up - Azumane Asahi, Sawamura Daichi

#✔︎spencerwrites #✔︎ — matchups #yamaguchi tadashi #tadashi yamaguchi #haikyuu #haikyuu matchups

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yikeswtfmate · 5 years

Text

(1) New Message from Unknown Number

main masterlist // (1) New Message Masterlist // next part

Summary: Y/N is drunk and can’t remember her ex’s number.

A/N: Hello, it is I, the idiot who writes Social Media AUs when she’s drunk but is too lazy to put them in the proper format and just leaves them to die somewhere on her laptop

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Social Media AU - that’s a lie, it’s actually just texts in Word format 🤡)

Warnings: swearing, dumbassery

Unknown Number: Hey asshat so listen

Unknown Number: I kno we hvnt spoken since like

Unknown Number: High school but whateve idc

Unknown Number: U’re an asshle so I dnt even care that its like…

Unknown Number: 3 in the morning nvrmd

Unknown Number: Ive ben dared to txt my hottest ex by these evil witchS so

Unknown Number: Here u go

Unknown Number: At least u had decent abs so congrats on tht jfc

Unknown Number: also u dnt get to complain abt this txt bc like

Unknown Number: u dated me for 6 months on a dare so U KNOW WHat this shuold feel like ya

Unknown Number: Wow dude that sounds like a dick move

Unknown Number: Seriously who the hell dates someone for 6 months on a dare?

Unknown Number: Doesn’t that only happen in movies though?

Unknown Number: hey bitchass dont act like u don’t kno what im talkinG abt

Unknown Number: Oh shit yeah, sorry. I don’t know who this asshole of an ex is but I sure as hell am not him

Unknown Number: Dude sounds like a complete waste of human space

Unknown Number: And I think I wouldn’t get to live it down if my friends would hear I did something that shitty

Unknown Number: Wait lemme ask Sam

Unknown Number: Nah, he says Steve would’ve beaten my ass if I were to do that so there u go

Unknown Number: m sorry who tf are u

Unknown Number: Bucky

Unknown Number: what kind of stupid name is bucky

Unknown Number: Shit man, u’re the one blowing up my phone at 3 in the morning, sending me weird ass messages when I don’t even know u and u dare say my name is stupid???

Unknown Number: Sheit srry

Unknown Number: Is been A long night

Unknown Number: nd week

Unknown Number: Actlly make thAt the whle entire fuckin month

Girl with asshole ex: Srry fr bothering u

Unknown Number: It‘s cool

Girl with asshole ex: Hey the witches ask if ure hot

Bonky: Yeah

Girl with asshole ex: WHAT THE FCK MAN AT LEST BE A LIL BIT HUMBLE SMH

Bonky: U wanted me to lie?

Girl with asshole ex: Fair point

Girl with asshole ex: They wnt a pic

Girl with asshole ex: Pic or it didn’t happen punk

Girl with asshole ex: Tht was nat

Bonky: What kind of party are u at that you can constantly text me?

Girl with asshole ex: Wanda’s place

Girl with asshole ex: Girls night

Girl with asshole ex: Getting hammered on wine BITCH

Girl with asshole ex: Also dnt change the subject

Bonky: I don’t even know your name

Girl with asshole ex: Why would I tell u my name I just want to see a suppsdly hot asssd

Bonky: You know mine and now you want me to send u a pic of me

Bonky: Bit of a disadvantage here babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: BABE if I tell u my name will u send a pic of u so we kno u arnt a 60yr old perv

Bonky: I’ll think about it

Girl with asshole ex: Hey fuck u

Girl with asshole ex: Not fair

Bonky: How do I know you’re not the 60yr old perv?

Girl with asshole ex: Cuz she got big tiddies to prove

Girl with asshole ex: And that was wanda

Girl with asshole ex: So now u know my fridsn

Bonky: Still don’t know your name tho babe

Bonky: Also tell Wanda she shouldn’t give out this type of info to strangers

Girl with asshole ex: ure not a stranger anymore bonky

Girl with asshole ex: ure my babe nao

Bonky: I’m going to let that Bonky slide just bc u’re cute

Bonky: But I’m also going to stop replying until you tell me your name

Girl with asshole ex: U think im cute?

Girl with asshole ex:

Girl with asshole ex: I mean u havnt even seen me but thats fair

Girl with asshole ex: Wand and nat say its true so ill believe u rnt lying to me rn

Girl with asshole ex: But I wanna see if ure cute

Girl with asshole ex: Wait why r u up st 3 in the mrng I mean we re drunk but wht r u doing

Girl with asshole ex: Babe u need to take better care of urself

Girl with asshole ex: Babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Ph shit ure actually ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: I dont like this

Girl with asshole ex: I actually like talking to u

Girl with asshole ex: Pls stop ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: COME BACK AND LOBE ME

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: It’s Y/N

Bonky: Now, that wasn’t so hard was it?

Babe: fcuk u

Bonky: I’m up at 3 bc we ordered pizza and decided it’s time to beat Sam’s ass in Mario Kart once and for all

Babe: Nd how’s that going for ya?

Bonky: Bitch has been beating us for the past 3 hours

Bonky: Thor is the only one getting at least close to him now so we’re about to give up

Babe: Wait shit how r u replying so fast if ure playing Mario kart tho

Bonky: I gave up two hours ago

Babe: Quitter

Bonky: Just gotta know which fights to pick babe

Babe: Heads up I might be fallin asleep soon

Bonky: Drink some water before that, maybe get some food in u as well to soak up all the alcohol and have an advil close for tomorrow

Babe: Ok MOM

Bonky: Hey Wanda willingly told me you have “big tiddies” so your friends don’t seem to be doing a good job of taking care of you

Bonky: Might as well let me do it so you don’t die tmrw

Babe: Ohhhh so u careeeee babe im touched

Babe: Kkkkkk Ill talk tu u tmrw ill be dead soon

Babe: Nd I do have big tiddies

Bonky: Good night babe

Babe: What the shit

Bonky: I see you survived

Babe: Barely

Babe: My head might explode soon and I feel like I’ve vomited for an entire lifetime

Babe: TMI sorry

Bonky: I’d like to point out I’m glad I don’t have to decipher your texts anymore and that you can actually spell properly

Babe: Fuck you Buckaroo

Bonky: I would also like to remind you that I have on good authority that you have “big tiddies” so don’t make me use that against you

Babe: I am going to kill Wanda

Babe:Ugh I need coffee

Babe: I’ll talk to you later

Bonky: I’ll be waiting for you babe

Babe: So

Babe: BABE

Bonky: Yes baby?

Babe:

Bonky: Nah, you love it

Babe: Fine

Babe: You still haven’t sent a pic of you though. I might be able to rise Nat and Wanda from the dead if you do

Bonky: What do I get in return?

Babe: The promise that I will keep replying even though you might turn out to be an ugly orc?

Bonky: Not enough

Babe: Fine. I’ll keep talking to you until you want me to stop. Or until I get bored of you

Bonky: Eh, you can do better

Babe: What do you WANT?

Bonky: A pic of you in return

Babe: I’m not sending you nudes, perv

Bonky: If I wanted to see you naked and be a dick about it, I could’ve asked last night, don’t worry

Bonky: But if you’ll know how I look it’s only fair I should know how you look

Babe: That sounds reasonable

Bonky: I’d say it’s a fair exchange

Babe: Fine, you first then

Bonky: If you don’t send me a pic of you afterwards babe I will stop replying, just so you know

Bonky:

Babe: Did you type super hot guy with the most beautiful eyes in the world in Google or something?

Bonky: I’m touched but no. Sam took that photo at a work event

Babe: Bitch do you really expect me to believe this is you? That looks like a guy who just stepped out of a magazine, I highly doubt I would have the luck to text him instead of my ex when drunk

Bonky:

Bonky: Are you always this annoying?

Babe: …

Bonky: What? Do you want me to take a selfie with the fucking newspaper now? I read the news online babe, I’m not getting off of this couch just so I can buy a stupid newspaper to prove it’s me

Babe: Do you have one in a suit?

Bonky: …why am I putting up with this?

Bonky: Hold on

Bonky:

Bonky: It’s been 5 minutes, are you going to reply?

Bonky: You still have to send me a picture of you though, a deal is a deal you know

Bonky: Fine, I warned you

Babe: Shit sorry

Babe: Hi Bucky, this is Natasha

Bonky: Hi Natasha. Is Y/N alright?

Babe: Uhm how should I put this?

Babe: Y/N is crying right now and she can’t reply herself

Bonky: What? What happened? Is she okay?

Babe: Oh yeah

Babe: She’s just crying because (and I’m quoting here) you’re “so beautiful, it’s like all my wet dreams and fantasies have come together. I swear this is some cosmic joke, this is not happening”

Babe: I’m not sure if she’s laughing or crying now

Babe: But she keeps yelling at me that I have to send you the most perfect picture of herself that has ever existed or you will stop talking to her

Babe: I think she started crying again because “I will never live up to that level of perfection, he told me that I have to know which fights to pick”

Babe: Uh yeah so here

Babe: 1 Photo Attached

Bonky: Hey Nat, could you tell Y/N that I would like to talk to her now?

Babe: Sure

Babe: Hey

Bonky: Baby?

Babe: Yeah?

Bonky: You picked the wrong fight if you think “you will never live up to this level of perfection”

Babe: Oh God

Bonky: Stop being an idiot

Bonky: And listen to me

Bonky: I would really like to keep talking to you. Mainly because you’re an idiot who makes me laugh, but it’s also the fact that you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my entire life

Babe:

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes oneshot #social media au #bucky barnes social media au #bucky barnes au #social media #bucky barnes texts

620 notes · View notes

stonerbughead · 4 years

Text

Maria watches friday night lights (#35)

5x12 baby, helpppp how are we already at the penultimate episode (already, i say, after dragging this first-ever watch out basically as long as humanly possible L O L why am i like this)

my reactions / recap / flailing under the cut

I see that Tyra is literally the preview photo so I’m already like OH SHITTTT

Tami coming home from the airport with potentially life-altering news...and Eric is asleep in front of the TV on the couch, clearly trying to wait up for her, my heart.

AHHH Julie’s home??? A surprise? This is so fucking cute! The ending vibes are definitely here.

Omg Tim are you good, baby? Is he throwing his bed out of the trailer? Damn he clearly has so much trauma from prison.

Damn NBC 8 is pulling up, that’s how you know it’s State. “It’s State, Levi, get used to it.” “No, I’ll NEVER get used to it!” Lmao i love Levi.

WOW look at Luke trying to set up childcare so moms can participate in a hearing about school funding! GO OFF KING

Omg i almost forgot Mindy was pregnant again. Billy’s so excited...oh fuck, TWINS? They’re gonna be so broke forever. Mindy is as horrified as I would be lmao

Oh shit, here we go...Tami’s finally telling Eric about the job offer...and admitting she wants it!!! AHH

“We’d have to move to Philadelphia.” “We live in Texas. Honey, Texas...is where our friends and family are. Texas is where I work, Texas is where I have my job.” Weren’t y’all just thinking about moving to Florida like two episodes ago? I smell a double standard, sir!

Ugh Eric is shutting down. “I can’t talk about this right now.” BISH

“How many times have we moved before for your job?” MMHMM that’s right, Eric! You look shell-shocked but you need to take that in, sit with it!

Tim Riggins behind the bar is hot. Just an observation.

Ugh, the tension between poor Tim and Billy. Tim’s gonna go to Alaska?! WOW did not see that plan coming!

“What the hell are you gonna do, sleep with a bunch of woodchucks?” BILLY WHAT LMAO

“You’re gonna leave Texas?” “YES.” I love the drama in both these back to back conversations about the thought of Leaving Texas.

Broken dryer, Jess, I’ve been there. Like right now, we have a broken dryer in our apartment. Ooh, Vince coming and finding her and being gentle!

Aw poor Jess. “I finally found a coach who was open-minded enough to let me in and not laugh at me. He lets me shadow him and teach me how to be a coach, and now they’re gonna take it all away.” These poor kids.

VINCE: “We won’t let that happen.” MY HEART. I love them.

Wow, Luke’s being sold a low-tier football program, isn’t he? “We just got a Costco, and a brand new movie theater in the town.” yikes.

How is a reporter asking Eric “are you worried he’s taking on too much?” about a teenage boy. Like, how do they know this much about Vince’s life? Texas football culture will forever amaze me, even after watching almost the entire series.

“We haven’t even scratched the surface of what Vince Howard can do.” AWWW my heart! Eric is such a good coach.

Oh wow, the East Dillon Lions vs. Dillon Panthers funding debate!!! Did they send a Booster Club representative here to Buddy’s door to shake him down? “There’s gonna be a lot of changes.” Like what IS THIS?

“Vince Howard is gonna be a Panther.” This is... A Lot. “That chair at the head of the table is waiting on you.”

Oh nooooo Tim getting physical with a customer.

“I’ve been waiting five minutes for my drink.” FAMILIAR VOICE IN THE CORNER??? “Hey there, jailbird.” It’s Tyra, and she has long brown hair! I dig it! I dig this reunion!

Aw, Eric coming home and immediately apologizing to Tami for earlier.

Tami’s being realistic that if the Lions lose, their economic situation is in jeopardy—so a good job offer on the table is something to consider!

“So you’re routing against us?” OMG and there’s a moment when Tami thinks he’s referring to them but then realizes he’s referring to “oh, the team?” jfc “You and I, or us the Lions. Of course.”

“You know what, I’ve been a coach’s wife for 18 years. Every decision we’ve made has been based on your coaching career.” LIFE BEYOND FOOTBALL OH SHIT

Oh God Eric’s getting up with the keys???? Come on, dude! This is not cool! There are so many colleges and high schools in Pennsylvania! I promise they play football there!

Omg did Tyra just tell Tim about the twins since he refused to really talk to Billy?

Aw Tyra wrote to him in prison? That’s sweet.

Awww Mindy’s literally having a breakdown about not having enough space, and not being able to handle three kids. These poor babes. And the football team’s fate hinges on this because of the assistant coach’s salary...fucking crazy

Ooh now Buddy’s trying to hype Eric up on the Panther-Lions Superteam they’re gonna create.

Aw the whole fam at Billy and Mindy’s—Tyra, Becky, even Mama Collette.

“He’s got some stupid idea he’s gonna go to Alaska and work on a pipeline.” Well, when someone comes to prison and tells you they’ll actually let someone who has to check the felony box work a job with decent wages, yeah. God, the prison industrial complex sucks. Feeds the most vulnerable people into the shittiest jobs.

Julie outside of the Saracen home? Awww. Has she seen him since that romantic Chicago good-bye?

Luke, listen to Becky!! “I’d really appreciate if you put down the wrench and listen to me.” YES GURL

“That’s not real. You are! And I just think there’s been a lot of misunderstandings.” “Well, that’s really pretty you should put it in a love poem.” “Are you kidding me? Go to hell!” yeah, correct answer, Becky! These teens are under so much STRESS! The DRAMA!

Omg all these grown men screaming at the town hall meeting about football i cannot

Ewww these classist fucks. “Some of us on this side of town happen to own our houses.” Eat the rich.

Why the fuck is Billy writing a fucking speech while driving? And he’s surprised he swerved? Sir…

Aw poor Eric with pain in his eyes telling Billy he can’t be definitive about his job security...I mean, yeah.

Aw, Luke coming into the bar while Tim is working after...that talk with Becky…

“You and Becky...are you in love with her?” Tim looks so amused. “Are you serious?” “...Yeah. “No, I’m not in love with Becky. I care about her.” THANK YOU BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS. Is this not what Becky tried to tell you last night? “I’ve been there a few times when nobody else was, but that’s about it.”

Aw Luke is so similar to Tim rn! Not “feeling it” from the school that wants him, even tho he loves football!

“You’re going to state, yeah? Nothing’s gonna beat that.” “Play it that way. Play it like it’s the last time you’re ever gonna lace up.” Some iconic Tim Riggins lines here!

“We were at the meeting last night, but we don’t want to argue or yell, we just want to give you our thoughts.” MY HEART i love Vince and Jess. “Well, that’ll be refreshing.” LOL after all these grown ass men were screaming over each other

“Was it really that bad?” “If you’re asking if I was raped in prison, Tyra, the answer’s no.” LOSING IT at this exchange lmao

“Tim Riggins, what the hell is going on with you?” that’s the question!

Oh shit is Tyra just finding out that Tim took the fall for Billy now...fuck

“He had a wife, a family. I had the chance to give him something, to give Stevie something we never had. To give him his father.” Damn, the look on Tyra’s face. She knows all too well why he did what he did even tho it fucked him up :( THE EMOTION. THE PAIN!

Damn they’re announcing the decision on the Dillon teams *before* state?

“What are you hoping for?” loaded question, Julie! “I hope that the Lions get to stay put, and I hope that I get to be Dean of Admissions at Braemore College.” awww yeah you do deserve it all, Tami.

Oh wow all these people from both teams standing in the street, drinking and talking and waiting for the decision with “i was living in a devil’s town” playing??? THIS SHOW.

I feel for the dude who has to address this town about this decision.

Anddd there it is, they eliminated the East Dillon program. The rich kids cheering for their victory in front of the poor kids mourning the end of the program they fought to make better is so fucking tacky.

And omg now they have to play state?

“Let me tell you something, you’re gonna be the star quarterback of the Dillon panthers next year, and you’re gonna shine.” OH this hug between Eric and Vince! “See you at practice tomorrow.” Again, the reminder that these people gotta play a *state championship*! wild

“We need to talk.” BUDDY WHAT?

Aw Julie and Tyra hanging out and there are Panthers screaming out of cars. “Welcome back to Dillon.” “No place like it.” Oh, this warms my heart.

I love this exchange: “You know, it’s kind of like this drug. When you get outside of it, you see it for what it really is. But when you’re in it, it seems like there’s no other possible reality.” “It’s a hard place to shake.” “Yeah...I didn’t see that one coming.”

“Whatever happened with you and Matty?” SAME, TYRA, SAME. “We’re good. I mean, we still talk every now and then. He went to Chicago. I went to visit him awhile back, and...I don’t really know what we are or aren’t or…” INTRIGUE. “I kind of just really miss him.” “Life’s harder when you really love someone.” Awwww. I loved that scene so much.

Wow, Buddy and Eric are talking at the Panthers field?

Oh, Buddy’s trying to sell him on winning the championship and then going to the Panthers to coach along with Vince….

“I can never come back to this school and coach. Never.” I mean, FAIR.

“Three rings in six years. That’s history. No one’s ever done that. You’ve got everything you want.” Yeah, Buddy, but does Tami get what she wants in that scenario?

Lol i love all the East Dillon Lions drunk on the field, like seasons’ past with teams past…

“Alright I’m taking a piece of grass home.” LOL TINK

To State and to Coach Taylor, huh? Sounds familiar. And Buddy Jr. is puking. Lmao.

“Just make sure you’re really okay with losing him.” YES Tyra! As much as Billy has majorly fucked up, i agree with her that the idea of the Riggins brothers losing each other when they ONLY had each other for so long...it makes my heart sad.

Oh shit are Tim and Tyra about to kiss? I almost forgot they were together back when this whole show started! “Please don’t go.” DAMNNN

Wow what a scene. Eric comes home with his news that he could have “everything” and Tami replies, “I’ll say to you what you haven’t had the grace to say to me: congratulations, Eric.

“I want you to take me someplace.” “Where?” “I’ll tell you when we’re on the way.” This is really cute! Also Tyra is so hot damn gurl i see you!

Aw Vince shooting his shot, yes! “What about you and me?” “I was really proud of how hard you tried. Thank you.”

“You already have two strikes against you.” “Jess, I was born with two strikes against me.” LOL SO TRUE. and aw what a hug!

Tyra took him to his land, didn’t she??? “Alaska, Tim?” He’s SMILING. Is that Texas Forever vibes i’m seeing here?

AH, Matt is home with a Christmas tree to see his grandma!!! She’s so excited!!

Aw she forgot his dad’s dead? “Did you say it was Christmas?” Oh this is so sad.

Why are Buddy and the Panthers coach standing at the Taylors’ front door like fucking cops late at night? This football program is sinister at times.

“Eighteen years.” Yeah, Tami. And then she turns it back on: “Can I get you two anything? Iced tea, water?” and FADE TO BLACK.

Damn!! What an amazing set-up for a series finale I’ve heard only good things about!!! AHHHH

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 5x12

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murfeelee · 5 years

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Alright, I’ve been talking about The Witcher TV show for months and months, and now I’ve FINALLY seen it.

I've skimmed through the books here and there, but really I’m a diehard fan of the video games, particularly The Witcher 3 (I’ve played TW1 and TW2 as well). Because of all the hype, attention and love the TW3 got over the years, with even Henry Cavill being a major fan of the video games, Netflix went and made this tv show, with Cavill as Geralt of Rivia, The Witcher.

MY THOUGHTS

It was GOOD! \(^0^)/ I really liked it!

Alright, don’t get excited, I think this show had some serious problems. But we’ll start with the good before getting to the bad and the ugly.

THE GOOD

THE ACTING

Everyone was top notch, and did a fantastic job. I freaking LOVE Grandma Calanthe, omg. I wanted more of her, and Mama Tissaia, and the different sorceresses (when Sodden started I was like hooo boy, I know how this goes; the finale is WORTH the price of admission, folks).

I even liked Eclipse-Princess (her name escapes me, my bad; I was calling her Arya 2.0 in my head). Don’t think I effing missed how they threw in a nod to the Eclipse Princess from Blood & Wine; that was awesome, featuring the Black Sun “curse” again.

I already knew I was gonna HAVE to tune in to see Yennefer’s story, and it was every bit as superb as I suspected it would be. Dare I say it was THE most interesting story arc of the three? Caught me tearing up a few times. I still don’t see book/game/Polish Yennefer with her, but she did a GREAT job, nonetheless--her emotions and delivery and everything was excellent.

She sounds so dang young though, which throws me off with the timeline, cuz when exactly does Yenn’s story take place in all of this? It’s hard to match her with the more...well....matronly/mature persona we’re more familiar with in the games. But I guess she develops that over time, after getting to raise Ciri. Though this does put in better perspective why she was so mean to Ciri at first, calling her ugly and everything. She wanted a child so badly, and Geralt just...gets one by surprise, and she was feeling bitter, I see it now.

THE ACTION

And I gotta give it to Cavill. Boy can MOVE. My favorite moments with Cavill were when he was sword fighting; whoever choreographed all that needs a frikkin award. I imagined the Butcher of Blaviken just tearing up mofos, and that’s exactly what we got. And he was WERKING them pants! XD

Except we never really saw my favorite sign, Igni. Oh well. And I hate that he doesn’t have cat eyes. And the Toxicity ISTG makes him look like a vampire and makes no effing sense, but whatevs.

And sometimes he was sounding WAY too Batman or demonic with this really deep and gravelly voice -- I appreciate that he was trying to give us that gruff and sandpaper dry video game Geralt, but when they’d make him yell or be mad I was like JFC NOT TODAY SATAN. But an attempt was made, and I appreciate it. ^_^ He was fine for the most part. More than fine, even. As I said, the acting & action was great, and they played to Cavill’s strengths.

THE SPECIAL EFFECTS

I also thought the CGI was fine--not the best, no, but I’ve seen way worse in shows with bigger budgets. The dragons...eh.... And that kikimore.... Well, I’m just remembering the Polish tv show, the Hexer--BIG improvement. Trust me. O_O The practical effects were excellent. Even though they messed around A LOT with the Striga plot from TW1, and what it looked like, I did like that they stayed pretty faithful to the fight.

THE STORIES & CHARACTERS

IMO, the best episode was E04, with Pavetta & Duny. It was just REALLY well done, and the one I was LEAST expecting. My favorite episode was E06, with the dragon, because of course. Reminded me of Hercules the Legendary Journeys, IDKY. The finale was really good, too; I love the sorceresses and all the magic. And E07 when all the plots and flashbacks come together was great.

And now for MY COMPLAINTS

THE BAD

#1) OMG WTF WAS UP WITH THE TIMELINE?

I feel BAD for anyone who’s watching this show fresh, who’s never played the games, read the books, seen the Polish Hexer tv show, played Gwent, or anything related to the Witcher world.

I was thrown off several times, as they shot from Ciri running for her life or Geralt fighting a Striga in the present time; to Yennefer learning magic in the past. Geralt & Dandelion go on adventures Shrek & Donkey style--I ASSUMED in the present, with the Sylvan, Djinn & Dragon, until an episode or two later they’re in Cintra together in the PAST, and Ciri’s not even born yet, and we’re seeing a drunk Ermion/Mousesack and young Crach an Craite (I squeed, my dad~!! His accent was on point!), and Ciri’s mom and grandma. (And WOW, the lady they got to play the mom looks just like the actress playing Ciri--are they related?)

And they do this over and over again over the episodes--present day with Ciri, eff knows when with Geralt or Yennefer. Especially since you know from the books/games that they’re both almost 100 years old. Yenn keeps throwing out “it’s been decades“ this and “years” that. But W H E N though!?!

I mean, I could follow along, sure, but they REALLY needed to make it clearer SOONER for people who have NO idea who TF these people or which kingdoms are which, that some things are happening YEARS apart from each other. Pay attention to how many times GoT shoved those maps of Westeros and Essos in our faces. Or how different shows use color filters for flashbacks or something. Properly situate the audience in time AND space--we’re not Cirilla, who can travel willy nilly between both. They bounced back and forward between past and present with the toss of a frikkin coin.

And speaking of coins...

#2) THE MUSIC WAS...Well.

youtube

Oh, Dandelion. XD

Anyone who knows me knows I fangirl HARD over the Witcher video game OSTs. And unfortunately, the music on the tv show was just...alright. :\ And for a franchise so closely connected to iconic music like the band Percival, it’s a crime against nature that the tv show never had a single track that made me go YES. Give it up for POLAND. The end credits song is okay, but I only started getting into it at like Episode 6, soooo... :\

And no, I didn’t like Toss A Coin to Your Witcher in this show. It didn’t sound like part of this medievalesque universe AT ALL, but something kinda pop/country, aimed at I don’t even know who. Sure, the dude playing Dandelion can sing. But so can Ed Sheeran, and when GoT got him to sing on the show, he sure AF didn’t bust out with the next Billboard Top 40 on us in the middle of nowhere.

#3) THE CHARACTER BONDING?

The acting was top notch...it was the plot/writing I didn’t like. Or rather, the relationships between the characters. I felt more for Yennefer & Istredd, and Geralt & Roach, and Ciri & the Elf boy (and her grandma), and even Pavetta & effing Duny/Emhyr (that royal piece of sh!te) than I did for any other characters on this whole show. And that’s a bit of a problem.

First off, I HATED how they made it seem that TEENAGED Ciri had no idea who TF Geralt was. TV Ciri’s gotta be what? 15? Geralt said something about it having been 12 years since Pavetta & Duny, but even that’s too old. Book!Ciri met Geralt IN the Brokilon or whatever forest with all the water drinking and the dryad queen and mess.

They were already obsessed with each other before the fall of Cintra even happened! Ciri was like 10 already when Geralt took Ciri to Kaer Morhen to start her Witcher training, but this girl on the show’s way older, and effing clueless. They don’t even meet til the final few SECONDS, wtf!! It’s just Destiny~! Destiny~! Child of Surprise, but we never even have a scene together~! Destiny~!

Speaking of children, we have Yennefer and Geralt, which was better, but again, WOAH with the pacing. I felt effing BAD for Istredd! :( I don’t really GET why Geralt & Yenn fell so hard for each other; I don’t really feel that connection. Geralt had just as much bonding time with that eclipse-princess! They only had the Djinn episode, really, and by the end of the Dragon episode it was already over!

I mean, yeah, in the books/game they have A LOT of ups and downs, but come on; we’ve already wasted so much time on Geralt & Triss (that homewrecking wench, I’m glad her airtime was minimal), and I just want more BAMF battle couple parents Geralt & Yenn raising Ciri already! >_<

Same with Geralt & Dandelion. Geralt’s kinda mean to him, which is fair; Geralt hates everyone. But I don’t feel where they’re friends at all, and they part at the end of the season on NOT great terms. I kinda feel Geralt doesn’t really like Dandelion at all. :( Even with the whole comedic relief Shrek schtick,

THE UGLY

#4) THE LENGTH

I dunno what’s up with all the 8 episode miniseries lately (GoT, Mandalorian, Witcher, etc), but it REALLY isn’t enough to really flesh out a story. Especially not one as convoluted as The Witcher, AKA the GoT of Poland.

Again, I REALLY feel for the casuals watching, who probably don’t know what the Conjunction of Spheres Istredd keeps referring to is, or what exactly a Witcher is, or why Ciri’s so dang special -- was Lara Dorren or the Elder Blood ever even MENTIONED???

We know Yenn’s got elf blood, but it’s waaaay more than that with Ciri -- though I don’t think they mentioned her elf blood, either, just that Calanthe’s grandmother or someone had their Banshee powers before Pavetta & Ciri.

BTW, wtf with Ermion/Mousesack? That’s gotta be a red herring or something. Cuz we know this dude’s old AF and thriving in Skellige, sooo....? TF. Why the Doppler? Why?

TBH this felt like Season 1A, if anything. I don’t feel the plot really progressed much at all, other than us getting Yennefer’s story. Ciri & Geralt finally meet (cliffhanger supreme right there), but jfc this felt like a prequel -- so much of the season was dedicated to backtracking us in a roundabout way up to the fall of Cintra, then skipping ahead to the Battle at Sodden Hill.

And why the heck did they wait so long to get to get to Vigelfortz!? That’s what I was sitting here WAITING for! You mean I gotta wait for Season TWO to see my Hanse in full force!? :( URGH. Reeeeeeeegiiiiiiiis~! :(

Maybe cut out some of the unnecessary nudity every frikkin where and tell the full frikkin story, hmm? (Yenn’s boobs look great, we got it the first 5 times. Meanwhile these cowards won’t even have a dude’s left testicle be shown on screen, but whatever.)

So yeah, those are my 4 biggest complaints.

Well, and that wig’s hard AF hair line, jfc.(I was DYING during the Pavetta & Duny scene, when Cavill was holding on to that wig for dear life. XD XD)

Otherwise, I really liked the show! B+!

#nonsims #non-sims #the witcher #the witcher 3

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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lesbianscottsummers replied to your post:

Jfc. Okay, let me be perfectly fucking clear,...

I just wanna day as an inc*st survivor myself I’m so sorry what has happened to you, what these anons are putting you through, and what they will undoubtably continue to put you through. I’m here if you ever need to vent/talk/etc ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️

*hugs to you for your shit as well*

Thanks, I appreciate it, but honestly I’ll be fine. The thing none of these anons ever get is how fucking powerless and pointless they are. Its like....LMFAO, I’ve survived abuse, rape, and a gaybashing. You really think your shitty little hostile messages are what’s going to break me or shut me up? LOL, please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. The most they’ve ever managed is being obnoxious gnats that are hard to swat and annoy the shit out of me.

Tbh, its not the anons that really bother me. Its the silence about their behavior. I’ve been out here catching shit like this for years...and so does most every other survivor I know who’s vocal about their trauma and how unsupported they feel by the very fandoms that pay the most lip service to caring about abuse, rape and rape culture. Not to mention all my friends of color who are vocal about racism, etc, etc.

And yet how many non-survivors (most white, because let’s be real, the vast majority of other ‘antis’ who are non-survivors themselves are people of color due to the overlap between people who fetishize and invalidate racial generational trauma and people who fetishize and invalidate survivor trauma of all types and individuals).....like, time and time again, you hear about ‘anti’ behavior and how disruptive it is to fandoms....with this signalboosted and perpetuated by people who just claim they want to ‘stay out of it’ and be civil and mannered and can’t we all just get along....

Well, no. We fucking can’t.....because the day some of us, whether survivors, people of color, nonbinary or trans individuals, started to say “hey, there are elements of fandom that actively are HARMFUL and ostracizing to us” a lot of people decided they just didn’t want to hear that, and only peeked their heads up to acknowledge when ‘antis’ rocked the boat a little too loudly.

But yeah, its only us who go around harassing people, never the other way around. At least, that’s the impression anyone would get from looking at any of the blogs of people who just want everyone to be nice and civil to each other....but only seem to get the alert when that goes in the direction that requires zero action on their part.

I mean, just speaking strictly to matters pertaining to being an abuse/rape survivor, I’m just so fucking sick of hearing all the lip service about how “I support survivors”.....from people who then make it clear that only is actionable for them WHEN NO ACTION IS ACTUALLY REQUIRED.

Hence why there’s always that tiny little qualifier in arguments around various forms of ‘anti’ discourse.....stuff pertaining to rape, incest and pedophilia fetishization....so many people when they say they support survivors in fandom ACTUALLY seem to mean “well I really MOSTLY support the survivors who say they write these things to cope, because even though I don’t ship or read or write these things myself, I support their right to do so, as opposed to those other ‘anti’ survivors’ right to have fandom experiences that don’t require being IMMERSED 24/7 in romanticized reminders of their own traumas.’

*Shrugs* I’m sick of it. I’ve watched it happen for YEARS, being right in the middle of it, and no one can tell me this isn’t EXACTLY what’s been happening for all this time, and why so many fandoms have remained exactly the way they are, problems and all, with zero effort to change or be more inclusive of all the people on the margins for various reasons saying “HEY WHAT ABOUT US”....and then turning around and patting themselves on the back for being so civilized, so courteous, so ABOVE descending into the kind of barbaric behavior that only antis are guilty of. Never the reverse. Never the things that INSPIRE our anger or vitriol as a reaction to the fact that we’re just trying to fucking EXIST in fandom spaces and everyone else who was just fine with the way things are now saying “no, change doesn’t actually work for us, because that means....effort?”

How can you say you support survivors if you never actually DO anything supportive? How can you say you support people of color if you never actually SPEAK UP for them when you see or are surrounded by blatantly evident racism? How can you say you support LGBTQ+ individuals if your READING PREFERENCES are more of a priority to you than their living experiences?

I’m not pissed off about the barrage of insects in my inbox, honestly.

I’m pissed off by the crickets that resound from everyone who at other times is first in line to say “I absolutely support xyz! Just, y’know, in that quiet, invisible way that’s more enabling of toxic, harmful, racist, homophobic, transphobic and rape-culture tropes and individuals than like....the actual people I’m claiming to actually support.”

Here’s a “if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound” for the social media age:

“If your support can’t be pointed to, quantified, singled out, observed, identified, or in any way meaningfully proven to exist....then DOES IT?”

Idk. I mean, I just really love how in just the few months I’ve been an active presence in this particular fandom, I’ve garnered a reputation of being unreasonable and disruptive and overly aggressive....all while sticking ENTIRELY to my own blog, not going NEAR any tags, only jumping on someone else’s post a grand total of three times that I can think of....and all while my own fandom related posts are continually garnering hundreds and even thousands of notes and being spread around by people who at the same time actively avoid interacting with me as an individual because I’m ‘unpleasant’.....as opposed to all the big name incest shippers who well, even if someone doesn’t ship those icky things themselves, at least they can say those incest and pedophilia shippers are a lot less disruptive and unpleasant to be around and know how to be polite and well-mannered.

LOLOL.

When civility is indistinguishable from apathy, you’ve fucking missed the entire freaking point of civility.

THAT’S why I don’t bother blunting myself with it, when I don’t particularly feel civil. Because its become pointless. People have fucking WEAPONIZED it to use it to silence people, and that’s so gross to me. Nobody benefits from that unless they’re already benefiting from the status quo, and the status quo is fucking gross to me too.

My question, to all the people who see things they think are wrong and never say a damn word about it...is and will always be:

WHY????

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tellywoodtrash · 5 years

Text

khkt 29.08.19 lb

starting off itself with this mataji. nahi chahiye.

raima's baba is also in the picture. why he living somewhere separately from the mom and comatose daughter?

mumbai is such a bloody big city???? honestly, she's acting like it's an apartment complex and rohit is the watchman, ki uska saamna kiye bagair ghus hi nahi sakte.

oh boy, sapiens3 se karenge treatment.

ughhhhhhhhhhh every minute i have to watch her makes me want to claw my skin off.

AUNTY AAP DECIDE KARLO AAP KO KYA PYAARI HAI, BETI KI JAAN YA ROHIT KA CHEHRA NA DEKHNA. god, honestly.

raima already giving all of us the middle finger.

oh boy, this girl just doesn't learn. he just compared you to his ex and you're still floating around on heart shaped clouds. come the fuck on, sona.

normally i would get mad at suman, but today i feel like this conversation was needed to shake some sense into sona.

god desis and their shaadi obsession. na raaton ko neend, na din ko chain, till the fruit of their loins is bound in holy matrimony.

i live for these tiny, casual, unscripted moments of bromance!

oh god janmaastami par bhi naach gaana karte hain yeh log.

rohan/tanya are hellbent on making yk leave his marketing job to become full-time family function singer.

yeh kaisa surprise hua??? one, you already told everyone, and two...... it's not even a.... ok chodo. won’t nitpick.

EVEN IF THIS WAS A LEGIT RELATIONSHIP ROHIT'S OBJECTIONS ARE 100% VALID. i would fucking freak if i had to meet my S.O.'s 60 thousand relatives any time before the wedding.

for once ajit is talking sense and helping rohit out, instead of adding to his problems.

ouffffffff veeeeeeeeena. i know you're desperate to get a bahu but calm down!

i love these two idiots so much.

good lord veena toh just needs an excuse to get sona to come over.

this time i'm on nishi's side. roz roz kya function pe sonakshi ko bulaana???

lmao look at these idiots’ faces as they watch the drama.

omfg akash shut the fuck up. your thing isn't even related to the matter at hand? kuch bhi. #teamNishi

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas, yk! #weStanAGoodMan

no rohit! do not trust your enthu cutlet mom with this!

aw, why did they cut yk holding nishi's hand to persuade her, from the frame??!!!! i wanna see their middle-aged marital cuteness!

ugh back to raima's mummy. *applies calamine lotion on the hives already rising up on my arms at the sight of her*

YES PLS LET DR. DIMPY HANDLE IT. PLS.

oh god veena. bhoot ki tarah aise kyun mandaraaa rahi ho?????? i love you, i do, but you need to give your grownass kid some goddamn space.

i am rohit.

ok yk but back when you were wooing nishi some 20-25 years ago, mumbai traffic ka bhi toh yeh haal nahi tha? why do ppl forget all that when they start reminiscing about the good old days?

trollololololol.

lmao sona's freaked out seeing his weirdass smile.

awwwwww mummy waali bonding. cute cute cute.

jfc veena went and liked every single pic of sona's on insta.

"yeh mat kehna ki meri mom tumhe mujhse zyaada pasand karti hai."

"mujhe toh lagta hai!" haha she's sooooo cuteee.

ugh. look at this pint-sized homewrecker getting all excited to go mess around with a married man.

hey wardrobe, would it kill y'all to give her a dress that fits? the shoulder of her dress is literally falling off.

what is today, opposite day? i'm agreeing more with suman and kinda annoyed with veena.

hahahahahahhaha ravi ka tanka bhid gaya sunita ke saath!

lol the contrast in their expressions.

rohit ravi ka baap hai kya, jo aisa bhadak raha hai? teri khud ki love life toh hai nahi, usse bhi nahi banane dega, manhoos?

sona is the mosttttttttt wholesome.

"haan jao. gaadi bhi le jao! main bus mein chala jaoonga!"

sona jaisi boss ho, warna na ho.

haaaye, the graceful sass with which she shut him down.

"bilkul biwi waala rob dikha rahi ho."

a moment of shiny eyes.

and this fucker blows it all up to shit.

ROHIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS PURE BEAN.

oh god i really do not care for this party of try-hards.

tanya does NOT deserve this bullshit. she's a sweet girl who's being massively fucked over by these absolute douchewaffles.

i have never seen anyone THIS excited for a game of rummy, of all things.

today in cishet men are the fucking grossest.

oh boy, the baby stories are coming out.

uncle really went there, and rohit is giving him suchhhhhh a "just fucking try me, pops. i WILL fuck you up." look.

sona noticed what literally everyone in the house has overlooked for god-knows-how-many decades.

baby bro to the rescue. *pats his floofy head*

but also threatening to out some secrets.

this is the big scandalous secret? that he wears socks to sleep? pft.

lol sippy family ka menu toh ab sona ke pasand/naapasand ke hisaab se decide hoga.

god she came all the way here and now has to go all the way back to goregaon for dinner. you sippys need to give her some damn breathing room. or a flat here in SoBo.

"............ kal phir??"

god i am practically dying from second hand empathy for her. bhagwan dushman ko bhi aise roz back-to-back social engagements na de.

lol nishi's glee at suman not being able to come.

oh god veena, make like elsa and LET IT GO. HONESTLY.

"aa jao please. hum sab ko achcha lagega."

BRO WHUT....... SUBAAH HI TOH YOU DIDN’T WANT HER TO COME. AND NOW YOU'RE........ honestly, stop being such a selfish twat. what, she can't possibly have plans of her own for janmaashtami?? seedha seedha bol bhi nahi raha that YOU want her to come, taake she feels happy about it, and not pressured into it for the sake of this drama. god i hate men and their inability to articulate their feelings.

and suman was right, sona is too emotionally soft and koi bhi just takes faayda of it.

bless yk for making her feel welcome and wanted (since a certain somebody else, didn’t.........)

oh god she wants mahaepisode type celebrations.

yeh sunke rohit ka sanskaari ‘omg mere family se kitna ghul-mil gayi hai!’ boner jaag utha.

uhhhhhhhhh, you work like.... 16 hour shifts, how the hell you gonna do these arrangements, that too in SOMEONE ELSE'S house, that’s like 3 hours away from your own????

lmao i really relate with nishi today. they need to write her more like this, wry and caustically polite, mostly keeping her no-holds-barred thoughts to herself/yk.

um, set ki art director ko set pe kaam nahi hai kya, that she'll come here and decorate your nakli boo-thang's house for a pooja???

lol big time mood, nishi. forever and ever.

#kahaan hum kahaan tum #khkt lbs #episode liveblogs

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drarry-with-a-side-of-harry · 5 years

Text

Journey into the MCU XII

Avengers: Endgame

I just watched Endgame. Part of me doesn’t even know what to say. Some bits were brilliant and exactly what I wanted them to be and then some bits were just... a bit shit?

Don’t get me wrong. I loved it. Whenever something happened I was screaming ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT’ you know, in the best way :) ...But... I had to love it, you know what I mean? Seriously though, don’t really know what the shit I just watched (in a good way lol)

So, I love the fact that it started with Clint - that already got me crying (the first of the 41 instances of crying due to this film and probably the fact that I’m hormonal lmao). I adored Tony and Nebula’s interaction playing the game in space and I was like ‘Ah shit here we go again he’s adopting another one’ lol. I honestly had no idea how they were going to get back to Earth until That Bitch™ turns up - I actually waaaaay prefer Carol in this film to Captain Marvel!!!

STEVE RUNS TO TONY WHEN THE SHIP LANDS! I CAN’T! HE’S BY HIS SIDE BEFORE PEPPER EXCUSE YOU BITCH WHAT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH

I love them so much :’) sorry I’ll stop

Tony’s whole ‘zero zip nada no trust liar’ just. Wow. Very well done to both RDJ and Evans because that’s improvised right? I love!

I really like Thor, Protector of Lesbians and That Bitch’s interaction. Instantly a yes from me.

I enjoyed Thor’s desperation at just slicing that purple twat’s head off.

I’m trying to do this chronologically but I’m gonna start fucking up. Whatever.

I HATE what they did to Bruce. I wanted to see Bruce Banner being distraught and instead they wrote in all this unnecessary humour which personally I didn’t think was too funny maybe because I was too mad and made him permanently green?? Excuse me? The Russos have gotta be clowning right? The dared do THIS to the strongest avenger? Fuck off honestly. Think about what that man has been through - tried to kill himself and this is the treatment he gets?! No.

I like the fact that Thor is depressed because that was a natural decline. And I mean, he was depressed waaay before 2023 right? He has lost EVERYTHING and can’t really relate to anyone else because most of his loss was different, but he manages to maintain some of the humour we see from him in Ragnarok, HOWEVER I feel like the Russos were just trying too hard to make the humour happen and it just didn’t feel right?

LOVE THE FACT THAT THEY GOT OUT OF THE ‘OH SCOTT’S STUCK IN THE QUANTUM REALM’ PLOT HOLE WITH A RAT SCURRYING ACROSS THE CONTROLS. BITCH. I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD AT THAT. THAT’S JUST ICONIC.

Also, Tony Stark really is one of the best dads, huh? Along with Mr. Lang of course. AND NEITHER OF THEM GOT TO SEE THEIR KIDS GROW UP SORRY MORE ON THAT LATER.

I understand that Tony wasn’t on board at first, despite being a bit annoyed at him being selfish, I got it. And then bitch gets on board and everything’s happy for 20 minutes.

The Time Heist was ICONIC aND no one can tell me otherwise!!! Honestly just the fact that it was called the time heist and it was Scott’s plan and Scott is still tHE biggest fanboy - we stan.

I knew about the time travel shit before watching and thought they were gonna fuck it up because time travel is difficult with regard to not just going ‘so now we’re gonna go back and fix everything, job done’ but I actually think they did a pretty good job and did well explaining how *this version* of time travel was gonna work.

I really enjoyed Bruce’s interaction with the Ancient One and when she realises there must be a problem in the future if Stephen saved Tony’s life for the stone.

STEVE, TONY AND SCOTT WERE EVERYTHING AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THESE GUYS BACK IN 2012!!! I love Tony making Scott induce a heart attack. ICONIC. I live for the fact that we see all this sort of ‘behind the scenes’ action of The Avengers 2012 and the stuff that happened after the event and the ins and outs of everything. I will NEVER be over these whole shenanigans!!!!! I already knew about Cap V Cap but nOTHING could’ve prepared me for tHAT. This will be a continuing theme lol. I had no idea the whole ‘that is America’s ass’ thing actually happened jfc. SIDE NOTE: Tony really does say ‘I forgot that suit did nothing for your ass Cap’ bITCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA why you looking though you bi little shit lmao I’m not sorry. Steve whispering Hail Hydra was iconic and I was screaming ‘FUCK YEH BITCH FUCK EM UP NOW THEY DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON HELL YEAH STEVE!!!!!!’ and at first I was like ‘wait, are they gonna recreate the CATWS elevator fight sequence?’ and then they did tHAT. ICONIC. And then I also knew that they go back further because I knew Tony met Howard and I knew about Dr. Potts and Capt. Stevens (lol) BUT NOTHING COULDVE PREPARED ME FOR THAT EITHER!!!! That shit got me FUCKED aND he hUGged him! He hugged his dad! I was! Not ready! For that!

Anyway so their time heist was really nice and I loved it so much it was everything I could’ve hoped for.

Thor and Frigga’s interaction I thought was really nice and she MUST know by the way he’s talking that in his future, the near future, she’s dead. I just find it so lovely and she completely restores Thor’s confidence in himself.

NOW

CLINT AND NAT

ABSOLUTELY NOT

That totally fucked me up. I knew Nat died at Vormir but turns out it didn’t matter that I already knew because nothing could’ve prepared me for that either.

For one, they hint at it quite a bit after they’ve finalised the plan - you know, that someone’s gonna go there and die. Nebula knows and we know that whoever’s going to Vormir ain’t coming back - well, one of them. oops

Secondly, I had no idea that they *playfully* fought it out to decide who it was gonna be and I was sOBBING from the moment they got to Vormir till- uhhh- well tbh it never stopped but you get the point. The whole fact that Nat realised that *this* was her purpose and after what Clint had been doing for the last five years, he thought he was too far gone and didn’t deserve his family anymore, even if they could get them back. It just totally fucked me up. That was one of my favourite scenes.

Sad Steve. AHHHH.

Then a whole load of shit happens and Thanos learns about the plan. I like the way Thanos talking about his future self is written, so kudos to the writers on that one!

I also appreciate the fact that there’s no delay between Thanos, Squidward and the rest of his crew coming to the future and the fight. That’s it. All of a sudden we’re straight into it! Great!

AHHHHHHH so now it’s time for The Big Three to confront Thanos and I just LOVE this sequence so much I honestly can’t express it and I was so so sooooo hoping that I would see these three on their own (plus purple numpty of course). At this point Thanos is just completely psycho because he wants to destroy the universe and create a new one which is an addition I really like - creates a new sense of urgency I suppose.

In other news, Steve Rogers is worthy! Which I love because somewhere around CATWS I started stanning this bitch!

Dr. Strange’s portals? ICONIC. Hotel? TRIVAGO.

Peter’s back and his and Tony’s whole interaction and hug had me in fucking tears jesus fUCKING christ nope. That shit hurt. THAT IS HIS SON RIGHT THERE. FUCK.

RIGHT.

TONY MOTHERFUCKING STARK.

The fact Stephen knows - has known for 5 years - what must happen.

The look on both their faces when Tony realises.

Nope.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Made me wanna die.

Then he does it. Fuck. I’m completely fucked now. Thanks. And then Peter’s by his side and Peter’s whole speech while Tony’s just dYING!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT. I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE HURT LIKE THIS. AND RHODEY. AND PEPPER. AND PEPPER HAS TO PULL PETER OFF. NOPE.

THEN they dare just cUT TO THE FUNERAL??!!?!

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Get the fuck out honestly.

Tony’s recording. No.

The placing of everyone at the funeral was just perfect. The funeral was just beautiful in general tbh. The Proof That Tony Stark Has A Heart on the flowers. HARLEY!!!!!!! NO.

AND MORGAN WANTED CHEESE BURGERS JFC HAPPY IS GOING TO BE THE BEST UNCLE WOW!!!

Did I know Tony Stark was gonna die? Yes I did. I would’ve had to leave Tumblr to not have found out. There’s only so much that tagging can hide and you see something that hints at it and then you see a quick gif and then you just know, you know?

Did it prepare me? Fuck no.

Now, Steve.

What tHE ACTUAL FUCK?

What was that?

I’m not buying it.

Love the fact he passed Cap onto Sam, but to spend the rest of his life with Peggy? Fuck no. Some girl he knew too seconds vs spending the rest of his life with his BEST FRIEND who was irreplaceable. Fuck off. Bucky’s face throughout the whole sequence. The poor man was fucking devastated. And I’m writing this from a canon perspective because I’m all for stucky you know? Then I asked my self: ‘How could Steve do that?’ Conclusion: he couldn’t and he wouldn’t - the writers were playing silly games and none of us, none of us are buying it.

Did I know all this was gonna go down? Yes. Was I prepared? No.

Not for Bucky’s fucking face jfc. All they got was a line and a quick hug. They were BEST FRIENDS. I honestly can’t stress that enough. Wow.

The deleted scenes. Of course I have watched them aND WHY IN THE SHIT WERE THEY DELETED??? Russos are fucking clowns!!!! They all fucking kneeled for him and that was cut? You having a laugh mate?! And Gerald the Alpaca was cut because??? The extra Howard and Tony didn’t make the cut? Excuse you? Tony’s talking about how he doesn’t think he’s done enough, and then he goes and does the aBSOLUTE MOST???? :’) fuck. And uhhh Rhodey having the ONLY brain cell in the avengers with the whole ‘well you coulda jumped out the plane beforehand Cap’ lmaooo brilliant!!!

So they may be deleted but let me tell you, they released them so now they’re fucking canon.

So in conclusion, did I know all the major spoilers before watching this film? Yes because I wasn’t going to be a tumblr hermit, but managed to pretty successfully ignore them until today. SO WAS I PREPARED? FUCK NO!

Surprisingly I LOVED Clint in Endgame - not that I didn’t like him before but I just really respect how broken he is in this. His family. Nat. It really adds up and I really enjoyed what they did with his character.

I did really love it generally but just wasn’t entirely happy with some of the character choices - because they seemed pretty damn out of character! There’s development over 5 years of not having seen them, and then... there’s... some other situations.

Would I have enjoyed it more not knowing any spoilers? Completely! But I wasn’t gonna stay clear of Tumblr for 4 months lol.

Main thing I will take away from watching this. I miss Tony Stark so much and love him so much. And no I will not shut up about it. And was I crying for a good hour after the film ended and then some whilst I was watching the extra content? Maybe.

Also I’m so emotional that this is IT for Downey and Chris. Wow. Ok I’m done :’)

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coldtomyflash · 6 years

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Weird question, and it's perfectly okay if "I don't know" is your answer: How did you manage to do grad school AND finish writing so many good fics? I'm writing the lit review for my dissertation right now, and I want to finish several WIPs I have (if nothing else, just to prove to myself that I can), but it just feels like I can barely do either, much less both. Any advice at all?

Ah, no worries! It’s not that odd a question. Actually, someone’s asked me before ^^; My reply to them at the time was here. No need to read it, but it’s some context?

My reply now that my head is in a healthier place is... long and winding and not actually full of that much advice but eh, I rambled as I do. If you just want the advice, scroll all the way down and it’s there.

For starters, I’m not a normal comparison point. This isn’t to pat myself on the back, but for a variety of reasons, writing is something that comes really naturally to me. I’ll detail those reasons, but before I get into that, the point I’m illustrating here is that... sometimes I think people compare themselves to how much I wrote and what else I accomplished in that time and think “hey cool - that is a function human! Why can’t I do that?” And the answer is short answer is that my brain is programmed for pretty much one thing, and that thing is writing writing, and holy crap I was the opposite of a functional human when writing that much and that quickly.

The long answer is -

I’ve been making up stories literally as long as I can remember. I spent my childhood consuming stories. I taught myself to read and was during school I was consistently reading about 8 grade levels above my reading level, and loved learning about narrative structure. I annoyed the shit out of my older brother by reading the same book series as he read, but guessing plot points that were going to happen either in that book or else 2-3 books out. he didn’t get how I would just know and I’d be like “it’s obvious - that’s where the story has to go!” Because I was imagining it in my head - what i would do with it, where it would go, where it had to go. Closing the page mid0chapter and imagining the next-scene, and then picking back up to see how right or wrong I was.

And I had a best friend for most of my childhood through to early adulthood with whom I made stories. Every weekend, creating narratives together, not writing them down but basically roleplaying them by talking them out (voices and all, it was a heck of a lot of fun, as much as it made me pretty much the nerdiest teen in existence). We tried to write a novel when we were 12, got about 7 chapters in. We had a lot of starts and stops on other stories too.

Which isn’t said to stroke my own ego, it’s said to highlight that I have a metric fuckton of explicit and implicit practice at storytelling. It was and sort of is my “whole life”. I also had teachers that helped me develop storytelling skills, and was really freaking lucky to go to a school with an AP program for English that seriously stretched my ability to write fast. We had to write an essay every single class, during class, and have it finished by the end of class (or in less time if we had lecture stuff to go over too) in my last year of high school. The essays could be creative response (i.e., short stories). I wrote a short story almost every week in the space of an hour when I was 17. By the time I got to the end of year final and actually got to use a computer and type that shit instead of hand-cramping halfway through, I somehow managed to write the two-essay final in the allotted 3 hours and, i shit you not, had a wordcount of 6000 words.

That’s still my record. It was probably a dumpster fire but I got 100% probably for sheer volume.

Anyway that was over a decade ago, but the whole reason this life story is pertinent is because -

I have practice. The only way to improve at anything, to get faster at it, for it to ease, is to practice. Practice at storytelling, practice at having to set a scene using just words sitting in my BFF’s room and trying to describe the image I had in my head for how I wanted her to see the scene as it was playing out. Practice at writing fast and getting feedback on how to write. Practice implicitly at trying to imagine what routes stories can take. Practice taking stories apart and piecing them back together, in my head, all the time.

So that’s part of it.

The other part, and this is what I said in my previous post, was depression. I was seriously fucking burnt out and depressed when I started writing coldflash fic, and grad school took a huge toll on my mental health. It’s easier to write when you’re doing it to procrastinate working on your dissertation, and easier to keep writing when you get positive feedback and it feeds those lovely dopamine gremlins in your brain who aren’t getting any positive validation from grad school because holy damn that shit is hard.

I had no balance in my life for a long time. It wasn’t good. I went to counselling. I got more balance. Fic slowed down. Still finished, but not 120k words in 3 months (that was the pace when I started fic writing...jfc I don’t know how I managed.) Life got harder. Fic was now harder to write. I got more counselling. Fic was easier to write. I moved around the world. Fic got harder to write. I started anti-depressants. Narratives now seem to be flowing again.

Regardless of the state of my mental health though, I’ve never written as much as quickly as I did during the middle of grad school. And I think that’s because I was very narratively pent up when I started writing fic. I had been so busy and pushing myself so damn hard in grad school that I didn’t make almost any time for stories, for fic, for imagining my own stories. I was suppressing that side of myself in the service of Focus. So when I burnt out, my narrative side rebounded and said “fuck that noise, I still exist, and we’re making space for me”. It took over. I came literally a hair’s breadth from quitting my PhD post candidacy. Idk what type of program you’re in, but business schools in North America? It’s a 5 year PhD typically, and I was at the end of year 3 and eyeing the door.

Anyway - I say all that because -

I am not a good example and you should not do what I did. Finishing that many long WIPs that quickly wasn’t healthy, and was only possible because I didn’t do much else at the time, and had a lifetime of practice and a narrative rebound to make it even possible.

But -

My actual advice?

1) Practice. Practice. Practice.

Not all at once, but everything counts. Daydreaming counts. Watching shows and thinking of how they could be improved counts. Talking out story ideas with friends counts. Just make it fun. Practice is something we think of as arduous and annoying. Learning new words is practice. Meeting new people and considering their traits is practice. Everything can be practice for writing. All the research you do can be practice for writing. (Random note: a childhood coping mechanism for anxiety that I had was to narrate what I was doing to myself in my head in the 3rd person. Like telling a story of myself walking to gym class in my own head. That was also practice.)

2) Have fun with it!

Don’t making writing an obligation. Then it’s another thing on the list of things you avoid. Finishing stories often feels like an obligation. I’m going through this right now with Needs Must. It can be hard to complete a WIP because you start to have internal anxieties about disappointing readers, not living up to expectations, exhaustion from that narrative, distraction / temporary loss of interest (which is normal! and not actually a bad thing!). All of that then makes you feel guilty, which makes it impossible to get into a creative space to write. You can’t work on the thing you’re avoiding.

3) It’s okay to give your WIPs breathing space.

When you hit a wall, you may need to set it aside and read it again in a month with fresh eyes. You may need to treat your story like someone else’s story. That’s, again, literally where I’m at right now with Needs Must. I just reread a bunch of it and hadn’t really forgotten the details but once they’re on the page they’re out of my head, and so taking some time before going back to reread it made it easier for me to think of like I think of every other story: “what would I do next with this? Oh that’s a twist, that needs to come back later. There’s a theme here, we’ve seen that three times. What’s the best ending I, as a reader now, can imagine for this?”

If avoidance, guilt, and/or writer’s block aren’t your issue, and it’s literally just down to time management -

4) Your graduate degree is more important than your WIPs.

Your WIPs aren’t going anywhere, they don’t have a deadline, and your readers will wait for you, and new ones will find you. Time management is an essential, awful, part of being an academic.

I get more done, both at work and creatively on fic, when I’m just a bit too busy, but that’s me. Figure out what is optimal for you, and do it. When do you get the most writing done? When you’re relieved? When you’re anxious? Late at night? First thing in the morning? When does it flow? When won’t it ruin your graduate career?

(Seriously I was writing fic at work last week and was kicking myself. I don’t have time for that shit! Set boundaries on your time!)

But full serious here, graduate school is exhausting, and almost inherently de-motivating, and even the best damn students eye the door a lot of the time, even if they do finish. It’s stressful and you feel constantly powerless. It’s a lot to need to cope with. I found writing to be a way to cope. That lit review you’re working on? Yeah, it’s zapping your time and energy. That’s normal (unfortunately). And it’s good to give yourself breaks from that to write. Don’t feel guilty for taking time here and there for yourself - to write, or to not write. To relax, unplug, unwind. To close your eyes and daydream (if you’re me) or have a bubble bath (if you’re my sister), or do whatever helps you honestly, genuinely destress. The best thing you can do for both writing and for graduate school is to take breaks and take time for yourself. There is actual science on the importance of breaks, and academics are fucking notorious for putting too much pressure on themselves to actually relax.

5) If you’re burnt out and/or depressed - seek help!

Most universities have resources for mental health! Talk to a doctor! Don’t put too much stress and pressure on yourself! Almost half of grad students are mentally ill at some point!

6) Talk out your stories with friends!

I know I already said this under “practice” but having a fandom friend to bounce ideas with and cheer you on is amazing and essentially. I was in constant contact with Bealeciphers when I started writing, and now I have a different friend who’s helped me the past couple years with writing and developing my stories. Mostly they cheer me on, and when I’m stuck, I tell them where the story is going and what I need help with. But honestly, writing doesn’t need to happen in a vacuum and doesn’t need to be you hunched over a laptop in the dark all alone and staring blankly at a screen (I’m definitely not projecting here, no siree). It’s amazing how motivating it is and how much it can help you stay on track to check in regularly with other writing friends!

7) Pick your battles.

You say you have a... couple(?) of WIPs? How many are you juggling? Is it too many? Do you need to set one (or two??) aside? When my steam was slowly and AATJS and Tumbling Together started to feel like a chore, I set TT aside and took a month break from AATJS then dived right back into AATJS (with the help of the friend mentioned above, cheering me on) because I knew it would be the harder one to finish, and the one that I feared I’d never finish if I put it aside too long. I tackled the biggest hurdle first. If that’s the type of thing for you, I recommend it. Pick the story that’s either the most or least likely to get finished, and focus your energy there.

Another battle-picking thing here? It’s okay to outsource. I’m terrible for not using a proofreader beta. It’s a weird control thing, despite the fact that I love people pointing out typos in my works so I can freaking fix them. The point here is: don’t be like me. If you suck at finding your own typos, use a beta or proofreader. My writer friend who helps me helps when I get stuck. I help them when they need feedback on specific scenes and tones, and I’ve recently discovered they hate editing (I love editing) so this entertains me to no end. Just - you don’t have to do it all yourself. If you feel like you do, see points 5 and 6 again.

Aaaannnddd that’s that. Whew. I just spent... wow, too long on this. I spent as much time on this as I did on my own grad student’s lit review I was providing feedback on today ^^; #whoops

#redhead vs. writing #long post #long post for ts #phyn rambles #writing advice #depression tw #ask to tag #Anonymous

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offshore-writes-blog · 6 years

Text

searching for a roommate: maybe also love (3/?)

soulmates!au (part 3/?)

part 1/ part 2/

genre: angsttttt fest pairing: Mark x OC inspired by prompt: (i’ll add the link of the list when i find it) 8. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.” 100. ”You’re my soulmate?!”

even soulmates have a hard time admitting they want each other

the next morning, i head into the shower; wanting to be quick and not bump into mark. it’s a late morning for me because i’ve started writing more and reporting less so i spend most mornings at home. i know mark goes to work around 8am so i beeline quickly but still bump into him. godddd my luck’s non-existent.

with my hair soaking with only a towel wrapped around me, i freeze; hoping he’ll ignore me. my head’s still kind of touching his chest but all he does is stand there. i don’t know. i don’t even look up at him.

“hey.” he says softly

i ignore him and continue to walk past him.

“why didn’t you eat?” mark asks because he probably sees the food he’d left for me untouched as he heads towards the front door. i can hear the hurt and when i shut my eyes cringing; i picture his face looking hurt too.

i really don’t know how to make things better between mark and i.

—— text ——

arista: hey jackSUN: this sounds ominous what’s up arista: mark and i are having roommate issues well not really but like after our housewarming party he’s been so off and i just went off yesterday but only cus he was looking for a fight 😤😤😤 jackSUN: dont ask me he was already grouchy when i saw him arista: wtf happened at the party i was busy with the guests weren’t u two joint to the hip … wait is this a bro code thing jackSUN: i can neither confirm nor deny just think about what you were doing that night which could’ve led to mark’s “weirdness” arista:….

mark’s out in the living room when i finally step out of my room. eyes all wide, staring at me as i’ve caught him mid-bite. i freeze at my room and also just look at him. “hey.” i sit beside him

“hey.” there’s a small smile on his face as his eyes follow me. i’m trying to focus what’s on the tv. “are you hungry? i know you haven’t eaten all day.”

“it’s fine. i’m not hungry.” i lie in a mumble, eyes still on the tv.

“arista.” mark’s attempt at trying to sound stern makes me laugh a little but i try to suppress it. he catches this and nudges me. “i didn’t cook it so it’s even more delicious.”

“i love your cooking.” i mumble, pulling the couch cushion onto my lap. it’s difficult for me to look at him even more. and i am being honest but i really like mark’s cooking. even if he never adds enough salt or seasoning.

he chuckles. that sounds like my favourite thing. “you’re the only one, arista.” from the corner of my eyes, he’s smiling and rolling his eyes at me. my heart’s melting. i’m weak in the knees; thank god i’m sitting down.

“i’m sorry for what happened at the party.” i mumble as he gets up from the couch. when he hears, he pauses. his entire body freezes and head turns to me. “i don’t know what happened but i just want you, us, to be normal again.” god, i hear my own voice. i sound so sad. i don’t want mark to pity me.

“it’s okay. i was just being dumb. it’s nothing. you have nothing to be sorry about.” he says, casually and continues on his way to the kitchen to get food. for the short while he’s gone, my heart’s pounding but i can feel it in my head.

tonight, mark and i talk about that night. when we first met at the club. he details me on what happened because i’m still blurry. really, all he tells me about is how i’d asked him to come over so he could be my roommate.

///

(flashback third person POV)

mark can’t seem to keep his eyes off of arista. his eyes keep wandering onto her; some supernatural power that keeps pulling him towards arista. when she’d come up to the table, he’d found himself frozen. like something in his head clicked but he couldn’t place what went off. he clues that she’s close to jackson and jaebum; how easily she laughs with them. with all her friends. he doesn’t know where this urge comes from but he’s silently wishing (really really badly) that he hopes he can make her laugh as easily

jennie nudges mark, noticing his gaze at arista throughout the night.

— text —

jen: r u into her?????/

mork: shut up before you draw any attention

jen: isnt she into jackson??i heard jaebum saying thatmork

mork

the incessant beeping of his phone, he finally replies; annoyed. despite the fact that the two of them are sitting together

mork: jfc JEN I SWEAR

as jennie yells the dare to arista, mark’s entire body feels like he’s frozen but also burning entirely too hot in anticipation to see what arista will do. he already feels his heart breaking; it seems ridiculous because he’s barely spoken to her and met her 4 hours ago.

with arista’s face so close to jaebum, mark finds himself uncomfortable. he doesn’t like what he sees. his eyes bounce from grace to jackson; who look the least shocked. they must’ve known about her feelings because the two of them almost share the uncomfortable feeling he’d been feeling but were actually showing it while mark remained stoic mostly.

he leaves a little space as arista rushes out; leaving a tense air between all of them. jaebum’s face stuck in shock; mouth slightly agape and turns to jackson.

“what the hell was that?” jaebum mumbles. mark feels bad for arista. he wishes he could feel actually bad though but a part of him is glad that jaebum doesn’t like her back. maybe that means he could talk to her. he isn’t even thinking about dating her. for now, he’s trapped in her magnetic field. she’s so powerful to him; that he just wants to talk to her; know her.

even from the booth, mark’s eyes tried to search for arista on the dance floor. sometimes he caught glimpses of her; dancing the night away. again, she looks so carefree and he wishes he could be a little like that. he is like that but he could never especially after what’d had just happened.

“i’m gonna go get another round.” mark clears his throat and tells jaebum and jennie before heading to the bar.

“MARK!”

“arista!” he mimics her enthusiasm, finds himself smiling wider than he should. “are you okay?” lowering to her height, he asks into her ear. still dancing to the beat, arista’s swaying. mark finds her pout cute.

“i feel like shit! but i’m really drunk right now!” she giggles, yelling over the music so he lowers himself to her height mid-sentence.

“i think you were very brave.” he’s referring to the moment with jaebum and her but she doesn’t get it and only bounces to the music restlessly which makes hims laugh. amused, he watches her for a bit.

“hey, do you wanna be my roommate?” when he’d said brave, he really hadn’t realised that she was that brave. she barely knows him but she’s looking at him so intensely with a genuine smile, which is beyond mark’s understanding because how can a drunk person do that?

“how’d you know?” he asks. why’s he trying to have a conversation with a drunk person?

“come over saturday!!” she yells into his ear which makes him jerk. but her hands grip onto his arms tightly, jumping to the new song playing. “mark, you are absolutely beautiful.” she breathes and he cringes at the smell of alcohol on her breath.

she’s still cute though. /// “you’re a fucking psycho!” i laugh as mark finishes telling me about the night i’d drunkenly yelled into his face. practically demanding to be my roommate; not even a suggestion really. “i was so wasted and you still came.” there’s a sparkle in his eyes as he looks over at me; that teeth-showing smile making me weak.

mark smiles for a few more moments. “i didn’t want your bravery to go to waste.” he shrugs.

“well, thank you.” i want to hug him. i want to hold him because he’s making me feel so warm.

“you’re my favourite roommate.” why did i just say that…… “i mean—“ i start taking my words back but he interrupts me, with his hand on my arm.

“you are my favourite too.” he says that so genuinely. i almost believe him. god, i wanna get lost in his eyes. there’s a faint smile on his face. i feel like i forget everything when he’s there.

“so can you tell me why were you being so distant?” acutely aware of mark’s hand still on my arm, i place mine over it.

then, it’s silence.

he slowly removes his hand from me and it scares me. maybe i’d been too careless about throwing that out there. maybe he’s still not comfortable with me.

“i saw you with jaebum. out there in the balcony.” he says and i watch him, nodding for him to go on but he’s biting the corner of his lip again. “i don’t know arista. i just felt jealous. but i really don’t like you that way.” he adds the last part way too forcefully which stings a little but it doesn’t surprise me. “i guess i just forgot you had other friends beside me.”

i laugh a little. “you’re so dumb.”

“but you like dumb things.”

“right.”

i’m getting flashbacks to our first conversation in the apartment. i love dumb things.

// we go back to normal after that. whatever normal had been for us anyway. but a part of me is getting mushy feelings for mark; probably because his admission about being jealous made me like him a little bit more. (totally not in a romantic way though) it takes a lot of guts to admit ugly feelings like jealousy though and I'm glad that we’re close enough for that. so my life’s kind of getting on track, my roommate and i are friendly. more and more articles are getting assigned to me instead of on-site reporting. now, all i have to worry about is about these soulmate marks. but it doesn’t matter; a soulmate is meant to be; i don’t have to search for him. hopefully. // mark’s not home. which is weird because it’s mark? he’s always home if not at work. well, i mean he is a single guy. an attractive one. he’s bound to have some fun? i guess? it feels weird even wondering. i sigh; feeling lonely as i serve myself dinner for one. i’d also come back home a bit later than i’d anticipated, like i said, i’ve been getting more articles. so, when the lights were out at home, i’d gotten a little disappointed.

why do i even wait up for mark? getting antsy, i start biting on my nails. like it’s completely irrational but i start getting angry at him; how could he not text and be like; “hey i’ll be night don’t wait up” okay, but the thing is, he doesn’t have to… we’re just roommates. whatever.

i force myself to bed. he’s a big boy. despite being a heavy sleeper, i’d gone to bed on edge so i wake up to the sound of things crashing outside. normally, the apartment could be on fire and i wouldn’t realise if asleep.

i know it’s mark. instantly. without a doubt. leaning against the doorframe of my bedroom, i watch him wobble into the living room. he’s probably knocked everything in the hallway.

mark’s eyes slowly look up to me and a sloppy slow smile forms on his face. and i notice that his eyes look sheepish as he leans on the couch for balance; still looking at me. “ari, i don’t feel so good.” he covers his mouth as he gags.

“mark, don’t you fucking dare.” i warn, rushing beside him. even the thought of having to clean up puke is making me gag. i want to be angry but he keeps making gagging noises; looking over at me with his eyes that scream innocence. you know the ones where kids know they messed up but expect their parent to help them clean their mess up.

so he throws up in the toilet bowl with me beside him on the floor; patting his back. but not before he threw up on himself a little before we even made it to the bathroom. surprisingly, my gag reflex hasn’t reacted as i comfort mark throughout his puking. huh, i guess he brings out another strong side to me. normally, i puke whenever i see someone else throw up.

“arista, i can’t do this. i can’t.i can’t.” he shakes his head, teary-eyed from the constant puking. “i’m gonna dieee.” he slurs before he leans into the toilet bowl again.

“god, mark. you’re a fucking mess.” i try not to laugh as drool edges on the corner of his lips. “c’mon,” i start unbuttoning his shirt because the smell of vomit on his shirt’s killing me. “you have to get cleaned.”

“why are you undressing me!?” he yells a little too loudly in my face.

i scoff. “because you threw up on yourself and i can’t sit here with you all night if you smell like that.” reasoning with a drunk is impossible but he silently agrees and lets me unbutton it; eventually taking it off himself.

the next morning, i’m awake on the couch with asleep against the foot of the couch. (with a bin from my room to throw up in) awake before him, i try to slip past him to get dressed when i notice him shirtless. then, i remember that i’d helped undress him last night. now, i’m only human so i stare at him; shirtless and still slightly hugging the bin. god, he looks like an angel. everything on him looks so soft.

crouching down to face him, i notice the mark on his chest. similar to mine. shaped like a little heart. i choke a little when i realise how similar they really are. no way. don’t be a fucking weirdo arista. thousands of people probably have similar marks. i check to see if it’s on his left. and it is. my entire body starts burning up when i realise. no way. no way.

i always thought that there’s this show-stopping moment when you see your soulmate. like, you two just know. did i ever have a moment like that with mark? i mean, i’ve always been drawn to him? or am i just making it up in my head now because i’ve seen his mark?

mark doesn’t even feel that way about me so there’s no reason for me to hype myself up. sometimes soulmate marks fade. like ray and mine. maybe mark and i aren’t romantic soulmates. i’m not sure how to react now that i rationalise that we may not be romantic soulmates. but it’d make more sense; we’ve always clicked. but … i’ve never wanted to kiss mark in the kitchen when we were both goofing around; cooking dinner. never. not even when we were furniture shopping and we both pointed at the same thing at the same time with the same lame joke....nope... not even then.

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