#john dory says what ever the fuck he wants

[elysianightsss]

Mouth watering sundress

Summary: John gives you a ride home from work, and his phone number…

It was the car ride from hell.

John drove with one hand on the steering wheel and one on the clutch, his truck smelled just like him. Oak wood, cigars and spiced oranges. It had a musky undertone that made you shift in your seat, thighs clenching uncomfortably. The Chevy he drove somehow didn’t surprise you and the country music quietly playing from the radio didn’t surprise you either. 

His plaid button up shirt and loose blue jeans had you staring. You could see where the muscles were too big for his shirt when he changed gears it looked like it was going to rip. You wondered what it would feel like to have those muscular arms wrapped around your body.

You played with the hem of your floral sundress, tracing the little flowers while you scolded yourself for thinking such things about your gorgeous neighbour. 

“How was work?” John asked with gentle curiosity, his big hand moving the clutch to change gear.

“It was okay.” You shrugged glancing out of the window only to look back at him and see a frown on his face.

“Just okay?” His eyebrows rose as he watched little old Doris pull out in front of him in her mini with no indication whatsoever.

“Yeah. I mean my job consists of listening to people complain on the phone and trying to fix their issues. It was pretty boring, only gets good when you get the screamers.” You laugh, watching the forest trees pass by as he drives.

“Screamers?” He asks, a small laugh coming out himself, though you picked up the concern dithering there. Tricks of the trade.

“People who start shouting or screaming down the phone as soon as you answer. Mostly cause they haven’t got they wanted from the company yet.” You explain, saying it so casually.

“That doesn’t sound too fun.”

“Maybe not fun but definitely an interesting change. Gives me something to think about on the weekends too. Maybe if I should have responded differently. How can I better my answers for next time it happens.” Your brows furrow slightly realising how pathetic you just sounded.

“No friends to make your weekends interesting?”he cleared his throat hoping he wasn’t too obvious here, “or boyfriend.” He glanced quickly at you out of the corner of his eyes to catch you cracking a small smile making one grow on his face too. So infectious.

“Some friends but they work on the weekends. And I don’t have a boyfriend.” That had John shifting into the wrong gear the car making a loud scraping noise, he scrambled to quickly rectify the situation before the car stalled.

“Fiance? Husband?” He grimaced saying it, if felt like a dirty word on his tongue, leaving a bitter after taste that quickly disappeared when he spotted no ring on your finger.

“Nope. Completely and pathetically single.” You sighed, not dramatic, but simply a deep breath that showed how tired you were from everything. And boy you were tired. Exhausted from the emotional stress of life.

“Oh?” His interest clear, just as much as his curiosity was.

“Every time I like a guy or even think about entering into a relationship, it always fucks up in a monumental way and I always end up hurt. Every single time.” You let out another tired sigh. It was hard to be single when both your friends had partners, always the third wheel. It made you really hate life at the moment. Though you suppose you’d been in worse positions than in a Chevy with your large, handsome neighbour.

You pulled up to a traffic light, John pulling up the hand break before turning to look at you with a deep seriousness gleaming not only in his eyes but on his face, his body language, his entire demeanour had become the embodiment of seriousness.

“I would never hurt you. Ever.” He was so earnest. It made your heart ache, yearn for the kind of man you’d always wanted but never had. Always boys, never men.

The light turned green just as you let out a shaky breath, fingers lacing together in your lap picking at your nails in nervousness. Heat rising on your cheeks when his hand reached over to lay itself on top of yours for a few moments before pulling your hands apart, “Don’t do that. You’ll ruin those pretty hands.” He lets go just as he looks deep into your eyes, “and we can’t have that can we.”

You didn’t know what to say, the glint in his eyes, the way he tipped his head to the side a bit. Fuck, he looked wonderful. You steeled yourself and consumed every bit of self confidence you had, “You think my hands are pretty?” You stared at him, blinking a few times, definitely not fluttering your lashes. Your eyes flickered to where his jaw seemed to clench tightly for a few moments.

The intensity was building as he leaned in closer to you, it had a burning feeling building in your stomach, a fluttering you’d never experienced before the longer he stared into your eyes

Before he could even open his mouth in reply the beeping of horns from the cars behind started going off. You cleared your throat turning to face the front of the car, “The lights green John.”

“Mhm.” It’s short. Sweet. And so fucking sexy. His voice gravely and low, rumbling in his chest as he hums. Prolonging his gaze upon you just a few more moments before he turns back to the steering wheel and begins driving off.

You quietly let out a breath you hadn’t realised had built up, it did nothing however to ease the fluttering in your stomach. Only seemed to make the nausea worsen. You made a point of not picking at your nails, instead you lay your hands over your thighs, the feeling of your skin and the material of your sundress distracting you enough to not see smirk that graced John’s lips.

John lips, those luscious kissable lips that seemed almost hidden away by the full beard that had grown around his mouth. Like some forbidden fruit hidden just enough in the garden of Eden. He seemed like some forbidden fruit.

He stopped the car just outside your house, getting out to open the car door for you to get out. “Thank you for the ride home.”

“Anytime sweetheart.” He gazed down at you, his height even more daunting now that he was standing. His whole being was just large. That was the best way to describe him.

-

Honestly, you thought about him for the rest of the evening and all night. You thought about his muscles, the way they stretched the fabric of his shirt over the skin. The way his hands seemed to dwarf everything, you wondered how big they would look holding yours. You thought about the way he smirked after calling your hands pretty. You thought about the way his blue eyes glistened when he gave you his phone number.

It was all you thought about. All that was on your mind with no way to get rid of it, no sign that the brazen thoughts would ever leave you. It was like your own personal brand of torture.

Even when you finally managed to drift off, you dreamed of him. Dreamed that he would touch you the way you wanted him to. That he would kiss you desperately, achingly. You were hungry to be touched by him, so hungry that even the very thought of tasting him made you feel nauseous. It had been so long since anything had touched you, that your body had grown accustom to the emptiness that gnawed at you day in, day out.

But maybe it was just what you needed, to push past the sickness. To hold on tight to the warmth that wanted to cover you, that wanted to wrap itself around you. But you couldn’t help but push it away, say no in cruel anticipation of the inevitable. Love is a tender kiss for most people. For you she saves her sharpest axe.

Waking up was humbling, how groggy and unhinged you felt after a night of thinking and dreaming of John. Rolling over in bed you unplugged your phone and began to scroll through your notifications. Your heart jumping in your chest at the sight of a new text; from John.

John: Hey pretty girl. 7:36am. read.

Holy shit, he’d text you this morning. Was it when he first woke up? He was he thinking about you all night too? This man is something else.

John: No reply already? I thought I would’ve had to say something stupid first before you ignored me sweetheart. ;) 9:41am. read.

You: Sorry, got distracted. How’d you sleep? 9:42am. read.

John: Like a log. You? 9:42am. read.

You: Could use a couple more hours honestly. 9:43am. read.

John: What do you have planned today sweetheart? 9:45am. read.

What did you have planned today? Rolling around in bed thinking about a well built beast with thick mutton chops. So enthralled with the simple idea of John.

Fuck you’d never met a man so….well manly. His big muscles and his thick musky scent that screamed masculine in the most primal way possible. In every circumstance, in every part of the world and every century, he would be the ideal mate. To protect and provide-

The ringing makes you jump, the phone vibrating in your hand as you see the unfamiliar number only just added to your phone. You breathe in sharply for a moment, blowing out shakily, hands beginning to sweat. And it’s not even him in person, it’s just a phone call.

“It’s just a phone call. You can press the end button at any time.” You tell yourself, reassuring yourself before sliding your thumb along the screen, the answer swipe turning green. You put the cold screen to your ear. “John?”

“I got impatient.” His voice sounded so low and deep, must be that its first thing in the morning.

“Sorry. Got lost in my thoughts.” You mumble picking at the sheets surrounding you.

“Anything you wanna share? Or is it too soon to be prying into that pretty head of yours.”

“God you’re forward.” You breathe out a little laugh, a hot feeling fluttering in your stomach.

He laughed, heartily. “I’m just wired that way love.”

“I’m not sure if I like it.”

“Oh?” John voice was light and soft, if you were really leaning into it you’d notice the tinge of disappointment in the sound.

“It’s catching me off guard. I like to keep my cards close to my chest.” You swirled your finger along the pattern of the crocheted pillow in front of you.

“I’d happily let you play me.”

“John.” You breathe out another laugh, your heart skipping a beat.

“Like that,” he huffed low and wild, “like when you say my name. Sounds so nice coming from you.”

“It does?”

“Well with a pretty voice like that, I’m sure you can make anything sound nice.” He chuckled. And fuck you had to mute with how you giggled, kicking your feet with giddiness.

“So you want to go for lunch?” The rumbly bearish throaty sexy voice melted your knees until they felt like jelly.

“Again with the forwardness.” Your flushed cheeks hurt, couldn’t wipe the grin off your face, and he could hear it.

“I’m a man who knows what he wants and goes for it.” John answered without so much as a thought, the answer coming so naturally.

“I’ll consider it.” You pressed the red button and jumped in the shower, cold and brisk. It was the only way to bring your burning body temperature down.

John was unlike anybody you’d ever met, definitely better than an of your exs and you hadn’t even gotten to the deep stuff yet.

You wrapped a towel around your body and began to dry your hair with your other towel when you noticed your phone light up, a nervous grin tugging at your lips as you picked up the device and read the text.

John: Considered it yet? 10:02. read.

You shook your head, teeth biting into your smile. He was so unashamed and so bold. It made you question yourself, made you want more than you had once had. Made you want him.

You: I’d love to have lunch with you. 10:04am. read.

John: I’ll pick you up in an hour, wear that mouth watering sundress again ;) 10:04am. delivered.

Mouth watering sundress? Fuck, no one had ever said that to you before. Hell no one had ever offered so many compliments in one conversation before. He was truly a man of different breed. You giggled again falling into your bed and kicking your feet in the air, he was such a flirt. You loved it.

[bloodweep]

HIHI! DO YOU WRITE FLUFF? YOURE LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE WRITERS ON TUMBLR SO I WANTED TO ASK🤭 IF YOU DO, I WAS JUST THINKING ABT BROZONE (OR JUST JD) WITH A READER WHO ALSO MAKES MUSIC? YOU CAN HAVE THE HCS TURN OUT HOWEVER YOU WANT I JUST HAD THAT GENERAL IDEA🙏🏽🙏🏽

OKFG PLEASE IM NOT THAT GOOD

And yes I do 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 it makes me so happy and giggly like the bitch I am jfjfhfhfhfh

YOU KNOW MY HEART IS GONNA GO TO JD FIRST I WANT HIM IN EVERY WAY I CAN

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

JOHN DORY:

‗ ❍ I love him so much but I just know he would be a bit of an asshole at first, far better than before, don’t get me wrong! But he will still ask what you’re going and provide “tips” to make it better, but will be quickly silenced if you glared at him

‗ ❍ he is literally the definition of “oh I hate that man, I hate that man! But oh cara mia how I love him”

‗ ❍ after a while he would be silent and just listen to you, he would highly enjoy your music btw

‗ ❍ would get stuck in his head constantly where he is humming it wherever he is, bobbing his head to the beat

‗ ❍ would so just hold you close, arm around your shoulders watching you write away, nuzzling into your hair

‗ ❍ would beg to have a duet with you, no lie, will literally beg on all fours to have one

‗ ❍ UGH ITS STUPID BUT HE WOULD SO GRAB TOU AROUNF THE HIPS AND PULL YOU ALONG THE ROOM TO DANCE

‗ ❍ he would hold you so tight and kiss along your head while he sways with you and sings

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

Bruce:

‗ ❍ he would be so fun to write songs with, so attentive, leaned back and just listening

‗ ❍ wouldn’t say anything until you were finished and asked for tips

‗ ❍ “play it again” he would say just so he can hear your voice again and listen to the melody

‗ ❍ he would do this a few times before you caught on and playfully punched his knee

‗ ❍ he would just laugh and shake his head “nothing needs to be changed it’s wonderful ”

‗ ❍ he would so sing the songs you make while surfing too

‗ ❍ he’s your number one biggest fan, will fight anyone to get that position

‗ ❍ he will be the loudest person in the audience and dancing in the crowd

‗ ❍ sings it for his kids any song you create

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

Clay:

‗ ❍ he’s such a little nerd, would be vibing to anything so hard

‗ ❍ he will fight whoever even if it’s his own brothers to be the number one fan

‗ ❍ he would so teach you how to dance to whatever you’re writing

‗ ❍ his hands holding your hips to help you move better

‗ ❍ begs to hear you sing all the time because he likes it so so much

‗ ❍ makes up all your choreography for you, and isn’t upset if you desire to change it

‗ ❍ he would so so beg to dance with you on stage at least once (he’s a lair all the time he wants to dance with you forever)

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

Floyd:

‗ ❍ He would be so happy to see you write and create music

‗ ❍ he would relax back and listen with such a peaceful smile on his face

‗ ❍ he would so love to do duets with you too

‗ ❍ they would be so soft and gentle; you’re very mindful of what happened to him and don’t want to push him to hurt himself - even if he says he’s fine and can handle whatever

‗ ❍ holds your hands while you practice with him, showing you his full attention and encouraging you whenever you stumble or feel like you can’t get something right

‗ ❍ UGH his smile will be so fucking soft and gentle as he looks at you

‗ ❍ when he watches you from the crowd he is just smiling and dancing slightly the whole time

‗ ❍ UGH tells you how proud he is of you all the time, and you deserve all the fans and happiness

‗ ❍ if he ever preforms with his brothers he definitely invites you in and puts you right next to him - holding your hand tightly the whole time

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

‗ ❍ GOSH that stupid look he gives when he really loves someone??? That look the whole time

‗ ❍ fully understands if you don’t feel comfortable singing with him or in front of him just yet

‗ ❍ or even if you just want to do it on stage only

‗ ❍ if you feel self conscious about a song he will preform it with you and his brothers so you feel better

‗ ❍ never ever tells you to change it because there’s no such thing as “perfect” and a song is what is felt from within - things no such thing to be perfect

‗ ❍ every time you do sing in front of him he will drop everything he’s doing and listening to you

‗ ❍ he’s so giddy to hear you sing but doesn’t go over the top to stress you out

━━━━━━━ ✦❘༻༺❘✦ ━━━━━━━

Im sorry it’s so short I struggle with sfw for some reason because fluff makes me so giddy and excited and I feel gushy

[vinziel]

I guess I'm BI then?

John Dory x FTM reader

A/N: For all my trans homies out there. You matter and you are valid. This will be in a diff universe from A Bitter Reunion.

You dated and married John Dory before you realized who you were and transitioned, when you came out to John Dory he supported you and still continued to date you, you even got surgeries to make you look like a man (You also may or may not have gotten surgery to get a dick also, which you may or may not have used to fuck John, considering you already used to peg him). Now John Dory never realized that you transitioning meant he was BI now considering he was married to a man, and he never gave it much though, he was just too busy loving you, now this all happened way before John Dory got back with his brothers, and when you did meet his brothers you never cared to bring up you were trans since it didn't really matter, they already thought you were a man anyways.

While you were out doing whatever, John Dory and his brothers were bonding, just chilling in Branch's bunker and they were on the topic of man loving man, since Floyd recently came out as gay to them, they were talking about their own personal preferences, Bruce saying "Oh I've dated men, way before I met Brandy, so I'm into men and women" Clay said "I've never really dated, I'm not sure if I want to yet or if I'll ever want to" Branch then says "Well I've only ever dated Poppy, I haven't tried dating men before" John Dory then said "Same" after John Dory said that everyone turned their heads to him "Aren't you married to a man?" Clay asked "Well yeah I am, he's trans, we dated and got married before he knew who he was" "Doesn't that mean you're bi? And HAVE dated a man before?" Clay continued, John Dory thought for a second and said "Oooh, makes sense. I never really gave it much thought" The brothers stare in disbelief for a second before continuing on with talking

After that whole ordeal once you returned back to Rohnda, John Dory began talking to you about his time with his brothers, and you were just listening, looking at him like a lovestrucked teenager, then John Dory mentions "And I just now realized that I'm Bi, since you transitioned" You then snapped out of it and blinked "What? You mean to tell me after almost 7 years since I transitioned you never once thought about the fact you were married to a man now?" You asked in disbeliefed, John Dory then laughed, saying "I guess I was too busy loving you" You laugh as well responding "That's sweet" You two then share a kiss "You're a bit of a moron huh?" You teased, grinning "I am yes, but hey I'm your moron" John Dory says smirking, you laugh "I guess that's true" You respond, giving John Dory another kiss which he reciprocated. Ending the day on a positive note.

A/N: PLEASE tell me if anything I wrote in this fic is offensive in any way to trans people. I will gladly change it. I'm not too aware on what's offensive to trans people and for that I apologize in advance

[broz0neglitters]

How do I make you love me? ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Brozone Headcanons Smut/NSFW Fem Reader Warning: Bit of Smut & P*rn Mention

John Dory:

-He has a box full of old p*rn dvd and in his bands day when ever his younger brother were out of the room plus grandma wasn't around john would watch it bruce knows that john still has that p*rn dvd collection

-His Cock is massive he would tear ya

-He loves to cockwarm so be expected to do it all the time

-once you start sucking his cock he will thrust and face fuck you til his cum fills your mouth

-when he left he brought the p*rn dvd with him he would watch it alone he would jerk off to it

-He wants to make a p*rn video with you but you refused which made him sad but he understands right?

-But he would still begged for it desperately and seeking your approval to let him atleast flim you two doing it but you made him promise to never publish it anywhere if he dose you'll hunt him down and cut his balls off you're that serious

-John Jerks off anywhere but he will most likey get caught by other trolls and even you + his brother dude can't keep his hand to himself

-He out of all of his brothers will most likey have a OnlyTroll account (Trolls version of Only fans)

-You feel awkward when he flims going to town on you

-Clay Thought it would be funny to see what john posted so he made a fake girl account and brought it and holy shit clay saw his own brother cock and clay immediately had nightmares for days he couldn't even looked at John the same way ever again poor dude

-John is super awkward during sex he can't even talk dirty to you making your sex super awkward come on he spends his 20 years alone in the woods with a armadillo :c

-John is rough at fingering you at some point you might bleed cuz of him

"John dory you asshole you're making me bleed thanks to you I'll be bleeding for the nexts fews days!" you said angirly while cleaning the blood off yourself in the bathroom he tried to apologized but you ignore him

-Horny af

-wants you to send nudes to him every hour or so even when you're hanging with friends there's a catch he wants you to play with yourself which made you rolled your eyes at him but you still do it anyways he wants you to moan it was hard for you cause you didn't want your friends espically your parents to hear it

"Gosh why did I date that asshole." you said to yourself...

-John will jerk off to every video/nudes photos you send to him is his ways of jerking off when your not around

---------------

Bruce:

-He wants to make sex last eternally with you because he needs a breakthrough and he only wants what right in front of him which was you

-his cock is big and thick

-also horny af

-Both rough and gentle in somedays

-He is least likey to get caught jerking off he only wants you to walk in on him jerking off that's all he ever wanted

-He will face fuck the shit out of you

-cockwarming are this thing he would beg for it constantly

-he definitely watches p*rn he also own half of the P*rn dvd collection cuz JD Gave him half of it

-He gave the dvd back to john cuz he doesn’t needs it anymore

-Back in his bands day being a heartthrob he would go to their places and have sex with them so basically a one night stand I could say

-A fan once leaked a video of him fucking her and bruce demands she takes it down because he dose not want his grandma to see it same with his younger brother and also the whole world it would ruin brozone reputation so he only told john about it and they found a lawyer... Thankfully the video was taken down but bruce still can't live that down he's afraid that clay,floyd and branch will find that video...

-Also john dory was such a supportive brother during that time when bruce told him about the leaked video he put all activities aside and help bruce get that video get taken down that was the only time john dory wasn’t his bossy self...

-he would make sure there's no camera hidden in the room you told him that there was none and you told him not to worry about it at all put he still take your phone and lock it somewhere he's that paranoid

-Bruce will gently finger you until you beg him for more he doesn’t make you bleed unlike john dory

-Bruce is a smooth talker and he's great at talking dirty it makes you even turn on during sex you crave for his dick inside of you even if he hasn’t put it in yet that's how good he is at dirty talking

-----------------

Clay:

-You guys go back in time where you guys were just friends with benefits but shortly after you two actually have feelings for each others so you guys started dating so you both were no longer friends with benefits

-Clay dosen't have time for p*rn he watched it with you sometimes even as a movie night

-Also the least to get caught jerking off he also would want you to caught him jerking off to your photos

-His dick is thin and long

-He's can be rough in some day and gentle in some days aswell

-only Horny when you're around

-He will face fuck you

-Cockwarming while he works is a must for you

-He likes to name called you like Bitch and slut and so on

-He will pull your hair while fucking you

-Rough at fingering you but dosen't make you bleed like jonh did

-remember how I mention he made a fake onlytrolls account and pretended to be a girl to see JD Well he saw JD Cock and wanted to jump off a bridge and when ever john dory comes to visit clay can't even look at john in the eye or even talk to him the only thing clay ever said was hi and bye to john...

-He's also good at dirty talking every words he said will only make you want him even more

-when looking at him in the eye while hitting your sweet spots it makes him turn on by seening your expressions when he hits your sweet spot

-He always busy so when's he's at work he would ask if you could send him nudes/video of you playing with yourself

-He wouldn't jerk off cuz he's at work but he'll praise you but once he gets home he demand you fuck him right here and then no excuses cause he's been waiting all day to get fuck your pretty little cunt...

----------------

Floyd:

-You and floyd are super shy during your first time

-Small cock late bloomers but don't underestimated his small cock plz

-You felt uncomfortable getting naked in front of floyd but be told you " I can see the real you, girl You don't have to hide I'll teach you how to shine." he said smiling at you but shortly after you feel comfortable to get naked in front of him

-Floyd would ask if you could cockwarm him he needs it while you cockwarm floyd would usally writes songs or just sings

-He is horny when you cockwarm him only when you cockwarm him

-He watches p*rn 24/7 even when you're around

-He dosen't jerk off and will never get caught jerking off he only wants to do it when you play with yourself

-he dosen't face fuck you he's the only brozone who's dosen't face fuck you and he's super gentle aswell

-when he fingers you he loves to see your expression he would smirk when he hits your sweet spot

-He loves it when you send him nudes he will also send you a dick pics aswell he'll compliment you making you feel extra comfortable in your own skins when sending nudes to him

"You look stunnting baby." Etc

-Floyd also witnesses clay making a onlytrolls account and pretending to be a girl (you already know the content.) floyd would tease clay about it for days althought floyd didn't see it himself he knows it bad cause he saw clay put many eyes drop to hopefully blind him at what he just saw it was worste than seening a puppy get taken away from his mother and cows getting killed to be made into beef.

----------------

Branch:

-His dick is pretty average size just perfect

-He has a massive crush on you he wants to make you fall for him

-He will jerk off but only in his bunker so he will never get caught at all

-Also rough and gentle in some days

-Cock warming is a must for him in fact is the 1st thing that you guys do at his bunker when you come over

-He is shy to asked you to have sex with him even when you guys are just simply cockwarming

-He watches p*rn in full volume also like floyd 24/7

-He loves to finger you especially in front of a mirror because he wants to see your expression

-He would sometimes asked him self "How do I make her want me?"

-Just like bruce he wants sex to  last eternally he never wants you to never stop having sex with him "How do I make you love me?" he would asked you while you were cockwarming him

"Branch, I'll always love you even if we're having sex i'll never leave you." you said kissing his soft cheek which made him blush and giggle he has abandonment issues

-Branch likes to tease you by thrusting on accident just to see how you would react usually when he dose you would let out a gasp or a tiny moan

-He is horny but only when you asked him to fuck you

----------------- Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed it anyways Request are closed for now and will reopen very soon and also I have updated my blog so please be sure to check out my latest update here's the link:

Plz read it I would appreciate if you all do read it and hopefully you all understands and respect my time off as-well anyways have a great day I will be sure to make a part 2 of brozone smut headcanons <3 Like + Follow are very much appreciated!

[sansxfuckyou]

tear a hole exquisite red (fuck the rest, and stab it dead)

Summary: Creek has layers to his personality just like any other Troll does, rotting and wretched and vomit inducing layers, but he has layers nonetheless

Warnings: psychological manipulation, physical violence, check Ao3 port for full tags

Authors Note: @bulliestrolls started the psychopath Creek au, so go give him some love for all of the glorious ideas his brain spawns. also Creek's a bit of a whore, just to spite Branch even if it means sleeping with all four of his brothers, because I think it's funny. anyways! if ya'll enjoyed consider dropping a reblog or checking the Ao3 port, it really means a lot

It's all a game for Creek, he's playing the long con and Floyd is his perfect little experiment. Who knows, maybe after he inevitably decides to make Floyd cut the cord, he'll try for Bruce, really tear a hole into Branch and his family. He can laugh at the thought of getting Bruce to divorce, to manipulate him into leaving Brandy for another Troll after Creek himself picks apart Floyd and and gives Branch enough mental anguish for a thousand lifetimes.

But no, that won't be enough, not for Creek. Oh not in the slightest, not after all the agony that Branch has given Creek, his vendetta will never be satiated. Who knows! Maybe he'll go so far as to return Branch to his gray state, that'd be delectable. That could make him feel a sense of satisfaction if anything ever could, or Branch's head on a platter, but the downside to the otherwise beautiful idea is that he wouldn't be able to torture Branch anymore.

"Creek!" It's Floyd, the specific tone of his voice is one that Creek has learned to pick out of a hundred in a similar fashion to Branch's. Just so he can hunt down Floyd and use his sweetness and ignorance of Creek's intentions as a weapon. The magenta Troll has this adorable smile on his face, well, adorable if it weren't for the downturned ears that look just like Branch's.

Creek gives a smile, warm like a fireplace on the TV screen, "Floyd, lovely to see you," He catches sight of Branch trudging behind the slightly older and quells a smirk before tacking on, "My love."

Then he's being hugged and as much as he wants to recoil in disgust when it comes to anything that Branch has any form of relation too, he doesn't. He has a performance to enact, and he plans on fulfilling the part with precision as much as it makes him feel ill and want to gag. But at least Floyd is tolerable compared to the likes of John Dory, Clay, or Bruce. He has gripes against each of them for seperate reasons than being Branch's older brothers.

John Dory is far too obnoxiously loud and arrogant and stubborn and always thinks he's perfect, and apparently he bailed on Branch which he can respect. Clay is somewhat paranoid, always has this brat (Poppy's sister, disgusting) clinging to his side, his hair is a mess too. And Bruce, well, Bruce isn't half bad, his only problem is how often he says sorry for leaving Branch to raise himself, and his domesticity, it reeks like rotting flesh.

"What brings the both of you to my meditation alcove?" Creek asked, giving a small bow to his 'boyfriend' and his least favorite person. He wanted to just be cold and cruel to Branch up front and center, the amount of vitriol stored in his tiny body towards Branch and the queen was unreal, but he refrained. He didn't let it seep through the cracks of his composure, he didn't let it show through until he was alone and could tear something to shreds.

"My brother has been having anger issues again, and he's looking a lot more gray than usual," Floyd explained and Creek just watched Branch get even more agitated as Floyd spilled details that should be confidential, or saved for close Trolls at the least. But wait, that's right, Creek is a close Troll now, and Branch just has to deal with that.

Creek gives a hum as he steps ever closer to Branch and takes his paw, it's yanked away and Creek feigns hurt.

"Branch, he's trying to help," Floyd hissed.

"Really, Branch, I just want to lend a hand," Creek tacked on.

Branch gave a long groan of annoyance before reluctantly letting Creek take his paw, only because it made Floyd smile. He hated every second of his bristled fur brushing against Creek even though it was for just under ten seconds.

"Unless he finds a way to perk up," Creek goes the extra mile to grab the tips of Branch's ears and flick them up, the graying Troll stumbles back. Oh he relishes in that and tries to hide his smirk, "He'll go gray again, I'd suggest meditation."

"I'd suggest meditation," Branch bitterly smarms back at Creek who raises a paw to his chest in faux hurt that only Branch can see through for some fucking reason.

"Branch! If you make one more jab at Creek, I'll," Floyd falters, "There will be consequences."

"Love," Creek begins with, "It's fine, I'm used to dealing with children," The glare Branch shoots is sharp enough to slice diamonds, "If you'd like you can leave him here and I'll teach him the basics of meditation."

Floyd gives this soft smile, completely wrapped up in Creek's performance, and then he presses a kiss to the purple Troll's cheek. Creek returns the favor before Floyd speaks, "Thanks, Creek, I'll be back in hour," And then he's taking his leave.

"You're gonna leave me here? With him?!" Branch questioned, a frantic lilt to his voice as he spoke. Two paws held one of Floyd's, desperation clear with how he held himself.

"You're in good hands," Floyd answered with before gently lifting Branch's paws off his own, "I'll bring snacks when I return."

Branch knows he won't win, "Alright, be careful."

Both Branch and Creek wait patiently for Floyd to be out of earshot range before they interact any further. And their interaction consists of Branch trying to tackle Creek to the ground without any remorse behind his actions. Creek doesn't scream, doesn't writhe, doesn't kick or retalliate, and that scares Branch more than any other reaction could. Instead the Troll in question just smiles, this calculating and cruel one that oh so often is matched with the rest of the face, not now, his eyes are cold and most of his face is stilled.

"What do you want with my brother?" Branch tried to snarl, hands resting atop of Creek's arteries, a bit of pressure and he'll go lightheaded, maybe even pass out. It's illegal to kill a Troll, but every single day that Branch has to watch Creek feign domesticity around Floyd he gets closer to committing an atrocity.

Creek gives a hum, "Your suffering, as sweet as he is he's not my type," He watches Branch go through a thousand thoughts at once and the second he knows Branch is starting to formulate a response he adds on, "I'd go for a guy like Bruce if nothing else."

"You absolute cunt," The expletive is more of a harsh whisper, voice coarse with rage, "You homewrecker."

And Creek just laughs, "Oh, Branch, don't you get it?" He ever so carefully raises a paw and traces it across Branch's face, and he knows that the graying Troll would flinch back but he can't lest he wants to let go of Creek's throat, "I'll drop to lows you've never even heard of it'll hurt you- and if your brothers are the collateral damage? That's not really my problem."

"You're fucking sick, do you know how Floyd's gonna react hen he hears this? You'll break him," Was all that Branch could supply in response to to the downright sickening knowledge he had been given.

"And that'll hurt you, which is really what I'm looking for. But if I want a chance to have a go at any of your other brothers then I'll have to let him down easy," Creek said, "I've talked my way into getting a Bergen to not eat me and give up on happiness. You know damn well I can convince Floyd he's the monster so your brothers and all of Pop Village will come to my aid."

Branch steps back from Creek, speechless, and then the fucker laughs.

"They'll come to my aid Branch, they'll be doing everything they can to make sure I don't off myself while leaving Floyd to suffer- and the best part of it all, Branch? It's a two for one deal, and I just know that one of your brothers will be too caught up in making sure I'm okay to even realize how fucked Floyd is," Creek spat, "I'll fuck that one next."

"I'm gonna tell Poppy everything," Branch said firmly like the words would register as a threat to a Troll that's escaped death three times over now.

"She'll never fucking believe you," Creek answered with and the break of silence from Branch is all he needs as an answer. He stands up and makes his way over to Branch, firmly grasping his jaw, "What're you gonna do about it, Branchie?"

Branch doesn't have an answer ready for what he just had unloaded onto him, all he can do is wrench away Creek's paw. He steps back and wipes his paw off on his vest, "Something."

Creek gives a hum and a smirk, "Cute, you think you can beat me at my own game."

"Oh I don't think I can, I know I will," Branch snapped back with.

"We'll see," Creek said, again with this calculating and cruel smile on his face, "When Floyd crumbles you'll go down with him," It isn't an idea, it's something that Creek knows is true, "I look forward too it."

-/-/-/-

Its Bruce.

After Creek has cried a god damn ocean of crocodile tears and used gold to frame Floyd as the monster, Bruce ends up being his next weapon. And he even went so far into twisting Floyd's perception of reality that the magenta Troll is the one saying sorry even though he did nothing wrong. Even though he was the sweetest Troll in all of Pop Village, turned to a somewhat paranoid and reclusive Troll whose graying just like Branch is.

He loved Floyd to pieces. He loved Floyd into his basic elements. He loved Floyd into a million little bits that can never be arranged again. He loved Floyd and played him as the monster with so much accuracy that even the true victim was fooled into thinking he did everything wrong. He loved the way he played Floyd, he loved the way he could use Floyd, he loved everything about Floyd except for the fact that he was Floyd.

Maybe it's wrong, being a user in the way that Creek is, but he doesn't quite care. So long as it brings Branch mental agony than he'll be enacting it, whether it's him being the source of Floyd's joy or pain. And now he's going to go through the same song and dance all over again with Bruce, except, to a considerably more intensive degree.

Because with Bruce he has competition; and that would be Brandy, Bruce's soon to be former wife. What fun really, Creek can tear two families to shreds in one go while no one is looking. He'll gouge another gaping wound into Branch's family and he'll completely excommunicate Bruce from his family.

He's playing this pathetic act when he casts out the first bait for Bruce, sniffling and whimpering as he leans against the purple Troll. He has his knees hitched, "God, I just, I can't believe I was so blind for three months," He forces his breath to catch.

Bruce rubs comforting circles against his acquaintances back, "I wouldn't have seen it coming either, Floyd of all Trolls," It makes sense he'd never have seen it coming what with it never happening at all. All those years in acting school finally paid off for Creek, and he's using them to seduce a Troll with a wife and thirteen kids just to spite Branch.

"I don't even think any of the kisses were real," Creek sighed, slowly lowering his knees and tilting himself to face Bruce just a little bit more. He had to work this operation delicately, like giving someone a transplant, one wrong incision into Bruce's psyche this early on will botch the entire attempt. And he can't have that happening, no not at all, then he wouldn't have a chance to break apart Clay or John Dory afterwards.

"I get it, being the heart throb brings a lot of insincere praise your way," Bruce laughed a little bit as he spoke, edging away from Creek just a bit.

Creek gives this smile, the smallest upturn of his lips at one corner, "Well, if I kissed you it wouldn't be insincere," There's a slight twitch in Bruce's expression. Exactly what Creek is looking for.

"Yeah well, I'm married now, I have a wife willing to give me as many kisses as I so desire," Bruce said, a hint of defensiveness to his voice.

"Well," Creek begins, dragging out the 'L' as he speaks, "Brandy doesn't need to know, it's just between two friends isn't it?"

Bruce is crumbling, Creek can feel it, he can see it, he devours the destruction of resolve. The purple Troll gives a sort of discontented sound, a partially confused one, "Just between two friends, to make up for the falling out between you and Floyd."

Paws are already upon Bruce's face before he can finish his sentence because Creek already knew that the answer would be yes. He's swift to lean in and speak in a tone that he knows will snag Bruce on a barbed hook, "Thank you, Bruce."

And Bruce moves first and Creek has to try his hardest to not smirk into the kiss that picks up pace so much faster than he thought it would.

Hook, line, and sinker.

[trollsedits]

Random Brozone Headcanon….

-If you ask the brozone brothers who has the most ugliest crying face… They all will say Clay cuz he’s in a sad book club

-Floyd is the laziest brother out of all the Brozone brothers (sorry Floyd 🥺)

-All of the brothers hate Creek Cuz branch told them how creek sold the trolls village out to save his own skin

-Floyd is the shortest brother along with John Dory

-They once have a reality TV shows called Keeping up with Brozone 🤧

-Branch once hit John,Bruce and clay for treating him like a baby after he said he’s a grown Ass man poppy had to stop him

-once a week clay made all his brothers join his sad book club

-Floyd still dose not know what happened to Grandma :( the brothers refuse to tell him what happened

-Branch acts like their grandma 🙂‍↕️

-Bruce is the best cook

-DO NOT LET FLOYD OR JOHN DORY NEAR THAT FUCKING KITCHEN AT ALL COST!!!

-clay,Bruce and branch can cook/bake

-John Dory said Clay had the biggest Glow Down same with Bruce Which Bruce Wack John across the seven seas

-Floyd is like a Emo troye sivan

-Clay still refused to give John Dory a hug

~They’re pop trolls and yet clay still refused to hug John~

-Floyd gives the best hugs that’s why branch won’t let go of Floyd he probably prefer being hug by Floyd and poppy

-Bruce still acts like a immature kid when he is around his brothers but when he is with his wife and kids he’s acts super mature

-Bruce refused to cuss at all cost since he’s a dad now but back in his boy band days yep he’s cussed a lot

-John,Clay and Bruce are Potty mouth back in their bands days

-Floyd can’t cussed even if he try to 😂

-Floyd still thinks Grandma Rosiepuff is alive so he would wait for her to come back no one had the guts to tell him not even branch

-Branch would dress up as grandma rosiepuff to make Floyd think that she was still here but poppy and the others said is time to tell Floyd the truth

-John Dory is weird Af one of the snack pack said it 🙃

“he’s like a weird old version of branch he’s always hanging with us dose he not have any friends? I feel sorry for him.” -An anonymous person from the snack pack (Branch Probably said that 😭)

-The Fashion Twins Styles all of Brozone outfits when ever they have events or shows in pop village

-Poppy and Viva likes to play pranks on Brozone and the snack pack would help pitch in

-smidge likes to prank branches brothers but she gets carried away

-Cloud guy would call branch brothers Branch duplicator or something

-Floyd and Bruce are such and underrated siblings duo as-well Clay and Floyd 🤧🩷

-The 4 younger brothers have a John Dory Hate club @definitelynotclay (Looking at you dude 👀)

-Clay likes to see John in pain but he definitely hates seeing Bruce,Floyd and branch in pain 🥺

-John Dory thought barb was a boy 🤣!!

-Who say you can hate John Dory if anyone gonna hate on him it has to be Clay, Clay will bash anyone who hate on his older brother b/c Clay wants to be John Dory only number one Hater (speaking facts 🫶🏻)

-Clay and John Dory fight the most

-Clay and Bruce would be Bestie if they weren’t brothers 🙂‍↕️

-Floyd stills throw tantrum

-John stalks his brothers for the past 20+ years so pretty sure you see him but he’s in disguise 🥸

-branch talks to himself a lot

-John sold many embarrassing pictures of his bros to fans (I’ve mentioned that before but it gets worse each time)

-Bruce said clay is his ride to die for life….

———————————

Well, that’s all anyways

Like + Follow are very much appreciated! ✨🫶🏻

[russilton]

who do you think is most likely going to replace lewis and who would you want to?

I truly couldn’t tell you who’s most likely, and I don’t like to SAY definitively because it feels like cursing it y’know? I’m sports superstitious like that, I mean I said Lewis would never go to ferrari and look what happened, like fuck me I guess-

However I do have options I would LIKE-

- Fred Vesti. If he cant get the Williams seat to develop like I hoped, then I’m not opposed to him going right into Merc. He’s proven himself superbly car adaptable across different series, they’ve said he’s a great sim driver, and frankly the cars he got to test for Merc (w13/w14) were the worst cars they ever built and he still did alright. Also he’s an f2 champ on merit and a vice champ in the books. He’s qualified.

More unlikely:

- Sebastian Vettel - self explanatory (chaos)

- Yuki - does Yuki deserve the Merc? Maybe not, but it’s better than RB and he’ll be out the toxic Red Bull network. His trainer John worked for Merc training fred AND kimi, it’s not impossible.

- Doriane pin. If merc want to take a fetus for a driver, Dori is older and more accomplished than Kimi, and they can put their money where their mouth is on diversity (though I wouldn’t envy the engineers managing that height difference)

- Valtteri Bottas - purely for the what the fuck of it. Maybe they’ll make him shave that mullet like he kept swearing they would. He and George would probably do alright honestly, not friendly by any means but they could co-exist. Post his lazy Horner comments I struggle with how I feel about him, but I still hold a soft spot for merc trio

- Esteban - for the same reason as Valtteri.

- Guanyu - feels unlikely with his driver development and lacking links but I wouldn’t turn it down

Anyone else lacking a seat right now I would rather die than see touch the Merc (don’t be that surprised the bar for wanting to die is p low at the moment)

[trolls-confessions]

"Johnathan."

He flinches, refusing to turn around because his full name and that tone of voice can only mean one thing.

He fucked up somehow and he has to fix it. FAST.

"Yeah, babe?" he says, his own voice is nonchalant but his shoulders tense, he continues to stare at the campfire.

"Turn around and look at me when I'm talking to you".

Fuck. You're pissed. Why are you pissed? This was supposed to be a fun getaway!! Everything was going so well, the day had been relaxing and you both were having a good time. He can't think of anything that could've spoiled your mood, things were good!

Very slowly he turns around, plastering a wide smile on his face "Whatcha need?"

You're standing right behind him, arms crossed and an alarmingly blank expression on your face.

"...Are you serious?"

"Uh..."

"Because I know you didn't just ask me 'whatcha need'," you say, making air quotes and in a very bad imitation of his voice "after I've been talking for the past 10 minutes".

Fuuuuuuuuck.

"D'aawww babygirl, you know I'm just messing around!" he goes to put his arm around your shoulders but you step back, silent.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

"What was the last thing I said, then?"

He's quiet. Truth be told, he wasn't really listening because he was trying to get the fire going; your voice was just pleasant background noise. He just wanted to get it done fast (but properly) so you two could roast sausages and cuddle--

"John"

--you would look up at him with that soft, shy smile he loves--

"Johnathan"

--and he would lean closer, arm around your waist and slowly--

"John Dory!!"

He startles, "Oh, uh, sorry! What?"

You roll your eyes, throwing up your hands "You know what?? Fuck it, nevermind, I'm going to bed and you can stay here and stare at the fire like an idiot all you want".

You turn around and start heading for Rhonda, the armadillo bus softly snoring away, probably the only one actually enjoying the trip.

John Dory panics, he runs after you and grabs your hand just as you're opening the side door; if Grandma Rosiepuff taught him one thing is to never ever go to bed angry. You snatch your hand away, still frowning and probably even angrier than before.

"L-Look, babe, I'm sorry" he stammers a bit on the 'sorry' part "You're right, I wasn't paying attention".

"Obviously" you scoff and roll your eyes

"But it's not what you think!! Your voice is so relaxing and I space out sometimes, I can't really help it..."

Dammit, he's looking down at the floor like a kicked puppy. He's a 50 year old survivalist, he has no right to look this cute.

"I just wanted to sit with you by the campfire," he continues "eat some good food with even better company. And, y'know, you're the best company a guy like me could even wish for"

You close your eyes, take a deep breath and sigh. It's so hard to stay mad at him when he says things like that. You turn around and hold both his hands, gently running your thumb over his knuckles.

"Look, it's not fine, but i forgive you." he sighs in relief and looks up at you "I'm sorry too, for calling you an idiot".

"It's okay!! I know you didn't mean it!!" John Dory smiles widely, hugging you so tight he's almost crushing you.

You hug him back as much as you can. Eventually he lets you go, and you both sit down by the campfire; him cuddling you from behind.

"By the way, what was the last thing you said?"

"Oh! Uh, nothing too important, don't worry about it"

You can't tell him you made a joke about his butt crack when he leaned down to check on the fire. You're taking that secret to your grave

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😭😭😭😭

[365days365movies]

April 11, 2021: Tootsie (1982) (Recap)

To be clear, I like Dustin Hoffman.

I can’t exactly claim that I’ve seen him in a lot of his most iconic roles, but I’m planning on fixing that this year for sure! On my to-watch list this year and beyond is Midnight Cowboy, Kramer vs. Kramer, Stranger Than Fiction, and Marathon Man at the very least.

But that’s not to say I haven’t seen him in other iconic roles of his, of course. Fun fact: I actually tried to do this project in 2019, and it...didn’t work. But, one of the films I watched that year was one of Hoffman’s most iconic dramatic films: Rain Man.

Oh, and by the way, that movie is not about an autistic man. Or, rather, it’s not based on a man diagnosed with one of the autism spectrum disorders. Instead, he actually most likely had a genetic disorder called FG syndrome, unrelated to the spectrum disorders. Ironic, since Hoffman’s character was the pop-cultural depiction of autism that people STILL refer to quite often, and quite inaccurately. But, obviously, that’s not Hoffman’s fault, and he was good in the movie, to be fair.

I grew up with him in Hook, as the pirate captain himself (I still do his laugh sometimes, it’s weird, I know). He had an underappreciated starring role in one of my favorite guilty-pleasure films, Outbreak (I fucking love that movie, and I’m not ashamed to admit that). He was in Finding Neverland, but I just forgot about that until I looked up his filmography to write this intro. And, of course...Master Shifu.

So, yeah, I actually DO like Dustin Hoffman, despite the fact that his role in The Graduate wasn’t stellar for me. Just seemed kinda miscast, and a little too awkward to be even slightly sympathetic. Then again, he wasn’t really meant to be, so maybe Hoffman was the perfect choice. Even then, he still acted well in it.

And anyway, I watched that movie for two major reasons. One, it was on my list of films to see, and TWO: it was a lead-up to the ACTUAL Hoffman film I wanted to watch this month: Tootsie. After all, I just watched rom-com Some Like It Hot, and if you’ve looked at me schedule, you know what film is coming next. So, this one fits in my planned schedule. Why? Well...there’s a theme.

Yup. I actually picked these movies for a reason. See, here’s the thing: this is a repeated trope in comedies, and I’ve always wondered whether or not it’s...problematic. But, much to my surprise with Some Like It Hot, they actually used the situation to comment on the female experience. I mean, not necessarily really well, but they tried at the very least. And for a film from 1959, that ain’t bad!

Which isn’t to say that it’s entirely clean, of course, but it was far better than I’d expected. So, if 1959 did that OK, how did 1982 do? Let’s find out, shall we?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) is an acting coach, as well as being an actor himself. However, he’s not the most successful actor, as he keeps attempting to audition for pieces, only to get refused for nebulous reasons, or refuses them when he disagrees with the director. He might want to take his own advice, for the record.

In the meantime, he works in a restaurant with Jeff Slater (Bill Murray), a playwright and roommate. That night, the night of his birthday, he spends time with an actress friend, Sandy Lester (Teri Garr), and also hits on the majority of women there that night.

As the party concludes, and various people go home, Sandy is abandoned by her date, and Michael offers to take her home. She breaks down crying, and Michael guesses that she’s upset about an upcoming audition. He gives her some coaching advice, and manages to get her to produce the correct emotion for the role. Afraid that she’ll lose it without him, he agrees to accompany her to the audition and enrage her. It’s very funny.

That morning, however, she IMMEDIATELY gets kicked out of the audition, as she wasn’t right for the part. However, when he goes to help her by speaking with an actor on the show, he finds out that the actor is off the show, and is instead getting a part that MICHAEL was supposed to get. Now enraged himself, he goes to speak with his agent, George Fields (Sydney Pollack), and the two have a tense conversation. It’s revealed that because of his difficult nature, he has a terrible reputation in acting circles, and literally nobody will hire him.

Challenge accepted.

Now dressed up as a woman named “Dorothy Michaels”, he goes back to the audition that passed on Sandy. Like her, he’s also immediately rejected by the director, Ron Carlisle (Dabney Coleman), who insists that she’s too “gentile” for the part of a hospital administrator. This causes “Dorothy” to go off, in a righteous monologue that accuses Ron for conflating power with masculinity. Which...yeah, he totally is, and DAMN, it’s a good tell-off!

Producer Rita Marshall (Doris Belack) agrees, and invites “Dorothy” to read for the part. He comes in to read, and in the process meets Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange), to whom he’s IMMEDIATELY attracted. He brushes that off, and the audition commences. From there, he gets the part, which is a regular part on a soap opera called Southwest General.

Now fully invested in the dumbest idea anybody’s ever had, “Dorothy” goes to her agent and tells him the ridiculous news, and asks for $1000 to go shopping for more clothing. Back at their apartment, Michael speaks to Jeff about the whole situation. He notes that he’s doing this to get the money for his play in Syracuse, which requires $8000 to produce.

Sandy is to be cast in this play, which is an issue, as they now need to explain where the money came from, as it’s technically from the part that SHE was refused for, which would hurt her feelings. He lies and says that the money’s from a deceased relative. While in her place, and while she’s in the shower, he decides to try on some of her clothes to get ideas for Dorothy. But when she walks in on him, he lies AGAIN and says that he’s sexually attracted to her. And she reciprocates IMMEDIATELY, which leads to an unintended relationship.

On the set, “Dorothy” finds out that he’ll be kissing John Van Horn (George Gaynes), an older actor who’s clearly a bit past his prime, and makes it a point to kiss every actress on the set when they start on the show. Gross. Michael agrees, and when the scene comes, he improvises and has his character (Emily) hit the doctor instead.

While the director (who’s a DICK, by the way) notes the improvisation, he approves of it, while also discouraging any similar actions in the future, and calling her “toots”. “Dorothy” takes it, rather than talks back. John compliments her on the improvisation, and then kisses “Dorothy” anyway, much to Michael’s shock!

We also find out that Julie, who plays a nurse on the show, is dating director Ron. Later on, though, Michael observes him making out with another actress on stage. Shortly after this, Julie invites “Dorothy” to dinner at her place, which is eagerly accepted. At dinner, we find out that Julie has a young daughter and that her relationship with Ron is...not stellar.

They have a discussion about being a woman in the ‘80s, and the complexities inherent in that concept, which is an interesting theme of this movie! Gotta say, this is a more socially-conscious version of Some Like It Hot, and I really like that! But the conversation is cut short when Michael realizes that he’d promised dinner with Sandy that night, and leaves in a hurry.

Dinner with Sandy is awkward, as Sandy is...Sandy is a lot, to be honest. But, she tells Michael that the woman hired in her stead on the soap opera (who is, of course, Michael himself), is written as a wimp, rather than tough as intended, and that she should change that. Michael agrees, and actively goes against the script to make the character of Emily far tougher. and essentially a feminist.

While this causes some grief to Ron and Rita at first, Dorothy Michaels soon becomes a massively successful and popular actress on the show, and her popularity absolutely explodes. Michael’s wrapped up in the success of Dorothy Michaels, and thinks that she might be able to branch outside of the role of the soap opera. Which is difficult, as his agent points out, because of the simple fact that Michael is...well, Michael.

At a party that his agent invites him to, Michael meets Julie AS MICHAEL. He uses a line on her that she’d mentioned before to Dorothy, only to be met with a drink to the face. Which is fair, as the line was about being honest about wanting to have sex with her, so I get it.

On the set soon afterwards, we see that the show is becoming more progressive, allowing Julie’s nurse character to stand up to John’s chief doctor character. After the scene is done, the director once again calls Dorothy “toots” instead of her real name, and Dorothy absolutely snaps back at him, and rightfully so! In response, Julie goes and invites Dorothy to a weekend in the country, on her father’s farm. Despite some rebuke from Jeff for lying to Sandy AND Julie, Michael as “Dorothy” goes on the trip.

This, by the way, is an excellent time to mention that this film is exuding some real strong, uh, vibes. You know...alphabet mafia vibes. Like, it’s definitely there, heavily leaning towards Julie. Obviously, “Dorothy” is actually the heterosexual Michael, but that’s not helping, just saying. And there’s literally (and absolutely obviously) nothing wrong with that, but it’s so strong at this point that it’s hard to ignore.

On the farm, “Dorothy” meets Les Nichols (Charles Durning), Julie’s lonely and genuinely nice father, if a bit old-fashioned in his views on gender politics. He’s also got the hots for “Dorothy”, which is funny-but-awkward as shit. That night, Julie tells “Dorothy” some very personal things about her dreams as a child, which is a genuinely very sweet scene. And can I just say, that this movie is both funny and quite heartfelt? I love it! Also, again, the vibes...THE VIBES.

Meanwhile, the popularity of “Dorothy” continues to skyrocket, to the frustration of director Ron, but to the delight of producer Rita, who decides to extend her contract with the soap opera by a full year! Oh FUCK! Realizing what the hell he’s gotten himself into, Michael calls his agent, who tells him that it was in his contract, meaning he’s basically fucked.

Jeff also tries to help hi, out of it, to no avail. Just then, though, they get a call from Julie, looking for “Dorothy”. She’s been having her doubts about her relationship with Ron, and she realizes that she’s been settling for Ron and other men like him. And Dorothy’s inspired her to be a better person, and to be honest with others and with herself. Fuckin’ OOF.

Just then, Ron arrives, allowing them some alone time, as Julie is getting ready for their night out. In the process, “Dorothy” reveals that she knows about his indiscretions with other women. Ron proceeds to use the EXACT SAME EXCUSE that Michael used to excuse his lies to Sandy, and it’s well-executed! Good job, writers, that’s pretty awesome.

“Dorothy” promises to watch Julie’s daughter for the night, which proves a bit of an issue, but he works it out. Julie returns later on, having broken up with Ron. Another heart-to-heart ensues, but this one is concluded with a revelation that Julie is lonely, despite the fact that she appreciates Dorothy’s influence and friendship. And then, "Dorothy” tries to kiss Julie. OH

Yeah, Julie’s not exactly chuffed about this as, despite a LOT of “Sappho and her friends” vibes, she doesn’t actually swing that way. “Dorothy” tries to explain, but this is interrupted by a call from Julie’s dad! He asks her out on a date that night, and “Dorothy” accepts. On said date, he FUCKIN’ PROPOSES TO HER! She promises to think about it, and takes the fuck OFF.

And to continue the parade of “Fuck me, I guess” that marching down Michael Street, who should show up at the apartment but John, from the show! Having followed her home the previous night (YIKES BUDDY), he literally serenades her outside of the apartment window, before “Dorothy” lets him in. It’s there that he reveals he’s MADLY in lust with her, and it’s HILARIOUSLY awkward. Thankfully, just as John is forcing himself on her, Jeff walks in on them, interrupting John’s actions, and causing him to leave in shame.

AND FUCKING THEN, after all of that, Sandy arrives at the apartment to find out why Michael’s not returned her phone calls. And Sandy’s a lot, sure, but all of her concerns are completely valid and legitimate. And despite Michael’s impressive ability to lie, he tells her the truth: he’s in love with another woman. Which she absolutely freaks the fuck out about, but whatever, not like Michael doesn’t deserve that.

Having had it with all the drama around Dorothy’s life, he goes to his agent and hilariously recounts to him the whole series of events that’s taken place. Still struggling to find a way to get out of the situation, he goes to work the next day, for an awkward conversation with Julie. She thanks Dorothy for inspiring her to be true to herself, which cuts DEEP, but still says that they shouldn’t spend time together anymore.

Producer Rita arrives with news: the erasure of a reel of footage has forced them to shoot a scene live. Said scene involves a party being thrown for Dorothy’s characters, putting her in the starring role. And THAT is when Michael takes his chance. Dorothy improvises a monologue about Emily’s REAL past, as a twin who tragically died before realizing her dream to become a hospital administrator. Ripping off his disguise, Michael reveals himself as Emily’s twin brother, Edward!

Everyone on stage and at home is SHOCKED, especially Les, John, Sandy, and of course, Julie. And once the cameras stop rolling, Julie now understands everything. She walks right up to Michael...AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE DICK

John asks if Jeff knows, and I break in half laughing.

Months pass. Michael was able to fund Jeff’s play in Syracuse, and goes to meet Les, who lives in the area. The two make amends after an understandably awkward reunion, and they begin the journey to become friends after everything. This prompts Michael to return to the city and speak with Julie, who is...less than happy to see him. Which, yeah, entirely fair.

But, again overcoming the initial awkwardness, Julie is able to admit that she misses her friend Dorothy. And Michael reciprocates, speaking for Dorothy, who is...well, him. He says the following great line: 

I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man.

And from there...the two decide to rekindle a friendship, with Julie asking to borrow one of Michael’s dresses. And y’know...I’m rooting for those crazy kids.

That’s Tootsie! And, uh...I love it! I LOVE it. I actually think this is a great film, and one of the best I’ve seen this month. But I’ll elaborate...in the Review! See you there!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[vinziel]

Relationships of Vinziel! TDAU OC

Bruce: Best Friends (they consider each other brothers). In the past whenever John would leave and eventually forget Vinz is even in his pod, Bruce would be there to accompany him when he's not busy with Brozone

Fun fact, Vinz actually caught a tiny crush on Bruce but he knew Bruce had a wife and kids so he kept it under control. Eventually he had to tell Bruce to get it off his chest. They had a long conversation about it and they stayed best friends and are even more close than ever. Vinz got over the crush and that was that.

Bruce is the one who keeps Vinz in check, making sure they don't go too overboard with their offensiveness. Bruce doesn't defend or even mention Vinz in social media because Vinz doesn't want him too, so he respects his wishes.

Whenever Vinz is badly hurt or injured Bruce would let them stay at his place in vacay Island till they recover and during Vinz's recovery he won't be allowed to touch gadgets or be allowed to use social media.

As much as Bruce wants to he can't stop Vinz from doing what he does, because no matter how much he gives Vinz attention he still has his own restaurant, wife and kids to take care of, so he can't always give Vinz the attention he wants, so he let's Vinz do his offensive shit, because it's what Vinz's wants. Bruce has tried countless times to get Vinz into therapy but it doesn't work since Vinz still craves attention.

Basically Vinz is so fucked up in the head no matter how many therapy sessions he goes to, he'll always want attention because he's been deprived of it since birth. They get into SO much drama it's like two new ones every week.

John Dory: ex-lovers. John only dated Vinz to experiment if he's gay or nah. John Dory can't even consider Vinz as an ex since John treated them like a stranger he occasionally talks to. Vinz was very bitter after the breakup, although John didn't feel much.

Whenever they hang out it's always at his pod. They'd talk for a bit (mostly on John's end) Only talking about Brozone, and eventually John would leave Vinz alone to do Brozone shit, saying "I'll be back in a minute" which he never does and just forgets Vinz is even there, until later he finds Vinz in the same spot, and walks past him like he's not even there.

In terms of social media John sometimes posts about dramas Vinz gets into, always starting his paragraph with "He was never like this when we were dating" then says how disappointed he is and what not, not to get some clout or anything he genuinely feels that way. Vinz's defenders and/or John Dory haters say "Of course he only began to act this way after you two broke up" implying John had some part in Vinz's downward spiral, which yes he did.

Clay, Branch, Poppy, Floyd and Viva: They all don't know Vinz as much, they did once get super offended and what he said that Bruce had to explain to them personally that Vinz didn't mean it, and they all just forgot about it, they never mentioned or got involved in Vinz's drama like Bruce. Vinz doesn't interact with them much apart from when they visit Bruce and sees Vinz there as well.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 511

Ok so this episode is like the perfect embodiment of my love/hate relationship with the books. And the show, but since the author wrote it, the books too, and her writing/plotting in general. I hated the other episode she wrote so my expectations going into this were *rull* low.

This episode was like a series of character-driven vignettes, which is what I like most about her writing (and why I bother even sticking around): random scenes here and there that I really enjoy as standalone bits. But, in true Outlander fashion, it also like ticked a lot of the boxes for stuff plot-wise that I can’t stand. Namely, yet more violence against multiple women, Marsali and Fergus getting shortchanged, Lord John crossing just over the creepy line for a sec with Jamie and the situation with Ulysses’ legal status. It didn’t check the rape box, but we may have to revisit that next week. I sure as fuck hope we don’t have to, but seeing as this show never met a rape it didn’t think was ToTaLlY nEcEsSaRy to include... *preemptive sigh*

Show-wise this very much felt like a penultimate episode and in that respect it accomplished what it was supposed to. In the overall arc of the season though, much like when considering the whole book series, a few solid standalone scenes here and there do not equal a good whole. To be in this fandom is to be an expert in eating around the moldy parts of the bread to get a few nibbles of good stuff.

Anywho, SCIENCE!JIZZ 5EVA!

Fuck yeah PB&J, and Claire is forgiven for not mastering fluff yet. But fluffernutters are also a staple in any growing kid’s diet.

Poor burned girl. It’s not her fault she vaguely resembles a walker so I spent the whole time thinking about TWD.

Omfg I got like PTSD flashbacks when I saw that dress in the title card. KILL THAT DRESS WITH FIRE!

There may not be fluffernutters, but Bree and Claire fluff and Young Ian and Jemmy fluff are good substitutes.

This kid is adorbs tho.

They’ve been really blasé about mentioning time travel in front of folks this season. First Marsali and now Young Ian. The latter will be remedied, but I’m still lowkey annoyed that Fergus and Marsali aren’t brought into the circle of trust... Esp. when there was a perfect opportunity for it later on.

I cannot with men, tbh. Seeking justice for a daughter who’s been “dishonored” by killing the dude is like the most overused trope of toxic masculinity ever. And now we’re supposed to be all like oh look how relatable the Brown guy is! Because our tropey men wanted to kill a dude like that last week! Hard pass. Also, fucking his kid wasn’t raped, she loves a guy who happens to be married, but everything was super consensual. Sooo like double gross points for you, dude.

And yes, I know it’s ThE pAsT, but I am not in the past, I am in the present, and the show is airing in the present, so thinking this sort of behavior is gross is totes ok. So the fucked up squad of randos who always jump into my notes about how they like “their men to be men” can just shove it, ok? Ok.

They’re like really not subtle with the foreshadowing this episode are they. But then again, when has subtlety ever been a thing on this show. That’s a nice still you got there, shame if anything were to happen to it...

I’m really digging the decor in this living room.

Oh hey! They finally decided to stop pretending like Young Ian was dumb and didn’t notice literally *gestures* everything about Claire.

I’m still salty they never told Jenny and Ian in S3 tbh.

Shockingly, considering who wrote it, so much of this episode is directly from the books. So I’m sure the Cult of Herself folks will be obsessed. And like yeah, some of the stuff in this episode is some of the bits I really like from the books as individual little scenes. However! I know some in the cult will use this as a reason why the show should StAy TrUe To ThE bOoKs more. And please, for the love of fuck, fight that instinct. Parts of this episode aren’t good “because they’re from the book,” they’re good because they’re emotional moments between characters, which is where both the books and the show are strongest. “Sticking with the book” on everything would make an already not great show even worse. I mean, the show ain’t great, but thank fuck they’ve streamlined the book stuff as much as they have.

Yes, I did notice the Pamela easter egg from the book. No, I’m not one who gets excited about shit like that.

Aaand here we get the problematic af bit about Ulysses and his legal status. In the book, he was offered freedom and turned it down to stay with Jocasta. Which is twelve kinds of fucked up. Here, he *is* a free man and he chooses to stay and cosplay an enslaved person so he can chill with Jocasta? FUCK THAT NOISE. That is some “benevolent slave owner” bullshit. They don’t get overt with the Ulysses and Jocasta are banging stuff from the book, which is also epically fucked up considering the power dynamic and how a fuckton of men enslaved their own fucking kids because they’d raped the mothers and children take the status of the mother. I’m glad they didn’t come right out and say that. But it’s like lowkey implied and even if it’s not supposed to be taken as canon, having a Black man be given the option to get the fuck out of there and choose to stay with someone who enslaves other Black people is like some dangerous white fanfic nonsense.

Also, thinking about the slave/master relationship dynamic today really makes me wish I saw Jeremy O. Harris’ play while it was running...

Oh yay, Bree and Roger are actually leaving. Much like the Bonnet shit, credit where credit’s due, I’m glad they’re not dragging the will they/won’t they go out for another season.

Don’t sound so butthurt that you didn’t get to murder a guy, Jamie.

Poor Young Ian. Buddy needs a hug. And more screentime for his story. Like, do we really need something else traumatic to happen to Claire when we could explore family dynamics instead? This time with Young Ian and his wife and their Mohawk family?

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO HAVE DRAMA AND CONFLICT THAT CAN TAKE UP THE RUNNING TIME OF A SEASON THAT DON’T INVOLVE CONSTANTLY PUTTING THE WOMEN IN PHYSICAL DANGER.

Lol at the thought of LJG “working the land.” Like, buddy, have you seen yourself?

“No doubt there a great many things I shall miss about being here.” Don’t make it weird bro.

Yes, I know he’s like gonna miss their friendship and stuff. But he’s always been just a smidge too intense about it. And by a smidge I mean the gay guy openly in love with his straight best friend a gross trope and I don’t like it.

Ok so if we’re following the “rules” of the show that the production used to recite ad nauseam to justify why Jamie and Claire barely seemed to even like each other for a few seasons (”they’re married, we don’t need to see them fuck!” “we already know they love each other, it’s a given!”), this sex scene shouldn’t exist. Because it’s really not essential to the plot. Which just proves the “rules” are and always were bullshit excuses. And the author/writer of this episode def spouted that bullshit too, so she can also shove it.

Because this scene *should* exist and those “rules” *were* complete crap. Because Jamie and Claire are very sexual/physical people and, especially when they’re going through things, use sex to center themselves where they are and in their relationship. Bree and Roger are leaving. Jem’s leaving. They’re sad about that. But they’re also happy that they made a family and got to be together as a family and are glad to have had that chance. (And, they just like to fuck.) So of course this is a good character moment. This is the kind of shit we should be seeing instead of just a constant barrage of plot and violence. And the crew can fuck all they off with their not at all convincing talking points about “rules.”

Also this is a much better use of sex than them constantly having them fuck after a fight instead of actually working through the issue between them.

Also, fuck yeah, get it gurrrl.

SCIENCE!JIZZ! (I’m gonna need a gif of Claire’s face when Jamie’s figuring it out because that’s gonna be in heavy reaction rotation.

I just love Claire fuck yeah science Beauchamp.

It’s also another scene that does nothing to advance the plot, but is a nice respite from the constant trauma. The show has yet to find a balance between the two, which is annoying af because they’ve had five seasons to figure it out. So like whenever there is fluff, folks pounce on it like starving animals. Which some in the crew (and some fans) like to point out like “see, you all like everything now!” Or “look, why are you whining so much, we gave you this!” Or “wow you hate the show but now you like this part? Hypocrite.”

But like, no, that’s not what it means. Not giving someone water for days and then throwing them a small canteen doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory. It’s still super fucked up. So no, enjoying the fact that there are a few fluffy scenes in an episode doesn’t mean the show is good. If they made more of an effort to center the characters and spread the fluff around a bit more instead of waiting until there was like trauma fatigue and throwing in a fluffy life raft, the show as a whole would be stronger.

</rant>

Ok it’s super fucked up they hadn’t told Bree about Willie yet, but I’m glad Jamie is the one who tells her.

“And it wasn’t a matter of love between us, but it was her choice, and that’s all I’ll say about it.” BECAUSE SHE RAPED HIM. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT HOW “HOT” THAT SCENE WAS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND THE PRODUCTION IS DISGUSTING FOR SHOOTING A FUCKING RAPE IN THE MANNER THEY DID. AND ALSO FUCK THEM FOR HAVING IT BE A RAPE IN THE FIRST PLACE WHEN IT COULD HAVE SO FUCKING EASILY BEEN CONSENSUAL.

This show is so fucking not good.

This scene with Jamie and Brianna is super nice, but like, we saw nothing of them building their relationship. He didn’t even fucking hug her after Murtagh died. The scene loses so much of what it could have had because they never did the legwork to show us what they mean to each other.

It’s the same old shit they pulled with Claire and Jamie. “Oh they’re together and endgame so we don’t actually need to show you them building and working on their relationship that much. Because you know they’re together so just go with it.” Like no? Fuck you? That’s not how this works?

FERGUS AND MARSALI DESERVE BETTER!

Of course Marsali’s preggo again. Why the fuck should she do anything but spit out babies. Also, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT TIME TO HAVE THE FRASER KIDS TALK ABOUT TIME TRAVEL.

And Bree’s become a sister to Marsali? We saw one fucking scene of them together. See above rant. Fucking show us them becoming sisters. Sorry to interrupt your constant stream of violence and trauma, but fucking actually SHOWING characters building relationships instead of TELLING us they did the thing is how this is fucking supposed to work.

I’m rull pissed we never got quality Fraser kid bonding, y’all.

And ditto with this scene with Lizzie. We saw more of Bree and Lizzie than Bree and Marsali, but like we never really saw them becoming friendly post Bree’s rape and Rogergate.

All the goodbyes are like making me feel inch deep feelings because they’re rooted in nothing we’ve actually seen. And I’m not a Bad Fan or dumb for not filling in the feelings myself. I’m the viewer. It’s not my job to fill in the show’s gaps. It’s the show’s job not to have emotional gaps.

Oh hey! Another shitty man who hurts his wife and another woman trapped in a physically abusive relationship who thinks the abuse is her fault! On Outlander? Who’da thunk they’d have something like this?!

I’m so tired, y’all. So. Fucking. Tired.

I HOPE YOUNG IAN FINDS HAPPINESS TOO, ROGER.

Ok but for real, every time Lord John talks about how Willie and Bree are like Jamie it has that gross tinge to it. Like I know he’s not meaning it like a creeper, but they leaned so fucking hard into him being so into and not over Jamie that the layer of grossness is always there.

Also like, grannie and grandda, we got like one scene of Claire and Jamie playing with Jem. WE COULD HAVE FELT SO MANY MORE FEELINGS ABOUT THEM BEING SEPARATED IF ONLY THEY HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIPS ON SCREEN.

Claire making everyone PB&Js is fucking adorable and I love her.

Old timey forks will never not be fucking weird looking.

“And now it’s just you and me again.” Uh, Fergus, Marsali and Young Ian might be a tad offended by that sentiment, Clairebear.

Ok but like do they really think a rope is gonna hold up to fucking magic time travel rocks? It’s gotta just be like a mental security blanket thing, right? Because if not, loooooooooool.

Ok but the really just let their kiddo run off like that in the middle of the magic time travel rock circle? Dumbasses.

Ok but like what’s the betting they ended up in like a RenFest type thing and think they haven’t traveled but they have and it’s like lol look at them fitting in with their old timey clothes vs. skipping them going back to the future and doing the going adventuring around the even past-er past part but with them all together instead of Roger and Buck?

I’m just hoping it’s something completely different than the books because I have zero interest in Bree and Roger in the 20th century and hate the Roger and Buck nonsense with a fiery passion.

Erm, that’s a little close to the house to build a privy, my dudes.

Is the setting a guy’s dislocated shoulder thing supposed to be a cute callback? Because like hey wink wink, first she was kidnapped and then set a shoulder and now she’s setting a shoulder and then getting kidnapped is kind of a fucked up “joke.”

But how about we get more of Nurse!Marsali and less of Marsali just being constantly preggo.

“Sort of like the opposite of what you do when ya joint a hog.” I JUST LOVE NURSE!MARSALI A LOT OK.

Aaand now that we’re all good and docile little fans who have been placated with some fluff and Fraser fucking as a treat, we can go back to the regularly scheduled violence against women. Because we literally just had a violent abduction last week. So clearly it’s time for another.

Everything in this story has been done before...

I swear to fuck, if they do the thing I think they’re gonna do next week, I hope they get rightfully dragged by fucking everyone.

And if by some fucking miracle of Caitriona putting her foot down they don’t do the thing next week, they get zero brownie points. You don’t get rewarded for doing what you should have done the whole time.

And of course the closing is Jamie lighting Flaming Dildo 2.0. His men swore oaths to him, not any government or crown, and protecting his family has always been the top thing for Jamie. So good choice there with saving Claire being the reason he calls up the men.

[five0mcdanno]

Spoilers!!!

This is a big dump of some of my thoughts while I watched the finale. I have a lot so I thought it might be better to just write it all down incoherently in one post. 

I’m keeping this 90% positive because I really did LOVE the finale!! It was so good! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I laughed, I cried a lot, a smiled so much. It was great and I wanna talk about it. 

For the most part I loved the finale. There are only a few things I’d change. 

1. I’d cut out the last 5 minutes. There’s no appearance by Catherine. Steve said his goodbyes, left, boarded the plane and got the text from Danny. He smiles looks out of the window and that’s it. No Catherine.

2. I’d give that extra time to the Danny and Steve goodbye but I felt a bit disappointed by it.  I think if there was more “I’ll be back before you notice I’m gone” type of banter and some heartfelt hugging between both of them and Danny wishing Steve well and telling him he’d better come back soon then I’d be 100% content. Maybe even Danny coming back inside the house with Steve cause he knows the team is coming next and his boy is gonna need some support. I can picture him just sorta of hanging off to the side while Steve has his moments with the team. Then they ALL say goodbye as he leaves. That would have been perfect.

3. I also didn’t like that Steve left only a week after Danny almost died. That’s crap. He’d leave while Danny is still healing? Yeah right. Could have at least made it a month. I could have been happier at that.

With that said, here’s my live reactions as I watched:

Flashback with Victor and Wo Fat planning the pilot!! WHAT!

Oh shit Daiyu Mei is watching them at the cemetery from last episode. Ahh yes see Steve did drive to the cemetery. It's like people forgot he has a truck and doesn’t always drive Danny’s camero.

LINCOLNS CONTACT ISN’T CATHERINE OH THANK FUCK!!!! I was so sure she’d pop up and be in the whole episode. Phew!

Okay Steve looks kinda nostalgic but not quite wistful over her. Good, good.

HAHAHA!! Steve immediately said bye and pulled out of there to go save Danny, not even telling the contact anything. Gotta go save Danno. Sorry dude.

Also, love that Danny was in trouble with the tail and thought "I need my husband. He'll take these guys out" and calls him.

Oh fuck! Steve's face!! Hes so worried! The gunshots and Danny not answering! Ahh!

STEVE RUNNING STRAIGHT INTO THE FIRE BECAUSE HE THINKS DANNO IS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Steve: "Danny Williams. You know who he is. My partner."

Even kidnapped and tortured Danny makes a joke about his car and exchanging insurance information 🤣

STEVE IS PUTTING THE ENTIRE POLICE ON FINDING DANNY INCLUDING EVERYONE WITH A BADGE AND EVERY HELICOPTER!! IM DYING!!!

I LOVE THIS TROPE!!!!! The bad guy calling the loved one and showing them a video of whumpee in chains covered in blood. So fucking good

"I HAVE THE ONE PERSON THAT YOU CARE ABOUT MOST IN THE WORLD”    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Don't make the same mistake as you did with your father”  !!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Dammit Adam of course Steve is going to follow her directions and go alone. He'll do anything to save danny.

No messing around. Get the address, confirm hes alive, give the cypher and hes out

Danny telling the bad guys he better call his family and say goodbye because he has no idea what's coming for him is AMAZING! 

OH FUCK DANNO YOU FUCKING BADASS!!!! LOOK AT YOU!!! HOT DAMN!!! Climbing up the chains like spiderman and breaking them off and then killing nearly every bad guy!? Fuck!

Oh shit!!!! Theres the shot!!! Danny’s down!!!

Ahhhh everyone's here now!!

STEVE IS CARRYING DANNO OUT!!! AND SPEAKING TO HIM SO SOFTLY AND GENTLY! "You gotta crawl in there buddy"

HES CRADLING HIM IN HIS FUCKING LAP!!!!!! IM NOW OFFICIALLY DEAD!!!!!

IM CRYING!!!! He wants so desperately to go in the room with him 😭😭😭

MY HEART!!! IM SCREAMING!!!

Oh my god hes praying. Steve is literally asking God to not take Danny. "You want someone you take me. Not him. You take me"

FUCK ME

Steve’s heartbroken. He doesn't care about the cypher. Not with danny in the hospital

Oh I love lincoln. Hes a good egg.

"That was very mcgarrett of you" HA! 

Ohhh here’s the doctor. “Hes not out of the woods yet” “Can I see him”

MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS!

OH MY GOD YOU’RE KILLING ME WITH THE INA PAHA SONG RIGHT AS STEVE GOES IN TO SEE DANNY!! AS HE SITS DOWN AND TAKES HOLD OF HIS HAND

I CANT TAKE IT

Oh no Lincoln’s contact is dead. That means Catherine right? Well fuck. Shit. No. Dammit I don’t want to see her.

Yay! Danny's awake!! Did he just say something along the lines of “why’d you stop holding my hand?” CAUSE IF I HEARD THAT RIGHT I’M SERIOUSLY GONNA EXPLODE

“If I had a dollar for every time you've saved my life I'd have like 20 bucks” DANNY!

“Reminds me of what I went through with my dad” Oh Steven you’re making me cry babe.

NO CATHERINE SO FAR!! YES!!! They cracked the cypher and still no her!! Woo!!!

Ugh. Of course something was hidden in Doris' crypt. Keeping her bullshit secrets until the end. I hate her so much.

The is the most romantic McDanno episode I've ever watched. 

I’m always here for a badass ohana shootout scene and this did not disappoint. I screamed when Lincoln took down that guy. So fucking badass.

Ugggghhhhh fuck doris. Wo Fat really is her son. So dumb!!!

These flashbacks are awesome. Wow. John talking to wo fat was crazy.

That goodbye with Danny was shit. Super shit. I do love Danny saying that he loves hawaii now and blaming Steve for it but the rest was bleh. Danny was so angry and sad that Steve is leaving that they didn’t properly say goodbye. At least Steve said it's not forever and that Danny has a phone.

The goodbyes with everyone else made me sob like a baby. That was 100% the cast saying goodbye to Alex wasn’t it. Cause that shit hurted. Started sobbing at Lou’s goodbye and I’m still sobbing now as I type this.

"Missing you already" MY HEART!!! THAT’S SO CUTE. LOOK AT STEVE’S SMILE. It’s like Danno went “shit I can’t let him go thinking I’m mad at him. I know. Let me send this true but kinda funny text.”

Fuck its Catherine. Fuck. That sucks. SO MUCH! WHYYYYYYYY!!! WHY IS SHE HERE!!! At least Steve didn’t expect her or call her or something. She wasn’t on his mind. She just wormed her way back into his life like always. God I hate her. And I hate Lenkov for having a hard on for this ship.

I generally thought that Danny was gonna sit down next to Steve on that plane up until we saw Catherine’s hair. Even when he got the text from Danny I still thought maybe cause that’s something Danno would pull but nope. I’m a clown. 🤡

Just gonna pretend those last few minutes didn’t happen. The show ended with Danno’s text. 

Annnnd I’M A FUCKING MESS OF TEARS!

[shimmershaewrites]

Fourth Quarter, Chapter 1 (a Walking Dead story, Caryl AU).

Sorry.  I am so sorry, lol.

  Title:   Fourth Quarter

Rating:  M. 

Warnings:  adult language. 

Characters/Pairings:  Carol Peletier, Daryl Dixon, Sophia Peletier, original character, Jenny Jones, June Dorie, Pete Anderson, mention Morgan Jones and John Dorie, Luke, Carl Grimes, mentions of Judith Grimes, Tyreese Williams, Duane Jones, mention of Eastman, T-Dog, Axel. 

Prompt(s) used:  “Do you trust me?”    

Author’s Note:  inspired by a little drabble in my Across the Universe(s) drabble series—“Quit stalling.”  Apologies for the sucktacular title and the fact that I’m jumping off the deep end and starting another story.  Clearly, I’m losing it.  But whatever.  I made words.  So it’s a lose-win situation, lol.  Also, in case you didn’t notice, I brought over a couple of friends from Fear and I’m keeping my options open about bringing over more.  We shall see.  Anyway.  Fingers crossed this somehow breaks up the log jam that is currently the state of Waltzing.  I miss writing that story so freaking much. 

          Dr. Pete Anderson didn’t like kids. 

  Carol had it figured out within two seconds of meeting the man, his so-called secret.  His absolute, lip-curling distaste for the parade of little humans that were the King County clinic’s bread and butter was that apparent.  Hard to miss really and ironic considering.    

  Those frequently possessed of snotty noses and tiny hands that were somehow, some impossible way always sticky were both the bane of his existence and the source of much of his livelihood. 

  She couldn’t help but wonder how someone that couldn’t even be bothered to open up his heart to the frightened tears that inevitably came from being thrust into a place so cold and sterile and generally unwelcoming as their place of employment possessed one at all.  Most likely, she supposed, his chest was hollow and a big cavernous nothing occupied the space where the faulty organ should be.  Yes, most likely.  Too bad he worked every Monday.  As did she. 

  “Did somebody get me the goddamn labs I asked for?!” 

  The question yelled so near to her ear was all the warning Carol had before a mug of coffee was unceremoniously slammed down in front of her, causing her to flinch.  She watched with dismay as the bitter black brew sloshed over the ceramic edge, instantly soaking into the printed labs in question, and took in a deep breath in an effort to fortify herself for what she knew was coming.  Thankfully, her coworker stepped in to prevent her from falling onto her figurative sword.  

  “The printer’s jammed again, Sir.” 

  Jenny Jones was one of the most even-tempered individuals Carol had ever met.  Whether she was helping keep a toddler calm while they had a lost Flintstone vitamin fished out of their nose or explaining to a patient that body spray was not meant to be used internally via the rectum, she always wore the same placid expression.  She wore it now, even in the face of Dr. Anderson’s poorly reigned in rage at humanity at large.    

  “Thought the damn thing was fixed.” 

  “It was.  It isn’t now.  Noah’s working on it.” 

  “Who’s…know what?  Forget it.  I don’t care.  Just get me those labs.  Sometime today.”  With that, he stalked off to greet his next patient, continuing to grumble beneath his breath. 

  Finally, Carol felt like she could exhale, and she did, feeling a lot like a deflated balloon.  Or at least, the way she imagined a deflated balloon might feel.  “You’re too good to me.” 

  Jenny’s chair squeaked as she pushed it back from the desk.  Eyes brightened and lips twitching with humor, she replied, “You bring me cookies.  I would be crazy not to be.” 

  “Duane like the strawberry lemonade cookies?”   

  “Like them?” Jenny scoffed.  “That boy loved them.  At least the two his daddy let him have.  Morgan made me promise to get the recipe from you.  Told me to resort to blackmail if I had to.”  Shaking her head, she mused fondly, “That man.  He loves ya’ll’s cookies.” 

  “I’d worry about him if he didn’t.  Everybody loves Carol and Sophia’s cookies.”

                                                                                                                                                                                 Carol looked pointedly at her watch before returning their newcomer’s easy grin.  “Just get here when you can.”  June Dorie was a relative latecomer to the clinic staff, still an enigma in so many ways.  But she was capable, compassionate, and currently very much in love, and like Jenny before her?  Carol had relied on her instincts, welcoming her to cross that imaginary line separating coworker from friend.    

  Other than the precious pink blush belonging to only the happiest of newlyweds tinging her cheeks, June was unruffled by Carol’s teasing.  “Thank you.  I will.”  She did, however, wrinkle her nose at the sodden lump on the counter before her.  “What did I miss?” 

  Her answer came from the irate boss man himself.  “Where are my fucking labs?!”

  June winced.  “Happy Monday, huh?” 

  Carol grit her teeth to keep from letting a few choice words slip free.  Every Monday was a happy Monday when your least favorite doc was a Monday constant.  As if she needed more reason to hate them.  Not only that, the waiting room was starting to fill up, really fill up, right on cue.  Taking a page out of Jenny’s book, she took a deep, calming, let’s be zen breath, and pasted on what she hoped was a serene expression.  Unsurprisingly, she failed. 

  Sparing a second to stuff the ruined labs into the nearby shred box, Jenny dabbed at the mess left behind with a handful of Kleenex and shook her head.  “I see your wheels turning.  You’re on desk duty with Liza ‘til you quit plotting the good doctor’s demise.” 

  June smirked.  “Guess she’ll be out there forever then.” 

  “She might just be,” Jenny conceded.  “June?” 

  “Get the asshole his labs?” 

  “You said it.”   

        “And again!  We want to make Stevie and your parents proud!” 

  In unison, the entire sweaty, spent marching band groaned, and they groaned rather dramatically. 

  Perspiration prickling along his own scalp, the band director couldn’t even find it in himself to be mad.  Quite the contrary.  Depressing the button on the side of his megaphone, he blew out a long, drawn out groan of his own and deadpanned, “I felt that.  Take five everybody.” 

  “Five?!  But Mr. Fogler!” 

  “Alright, alright.  Fifteen and find some shade.” 

  Everybody scattered after that.  Almost everybody.  They needed no more prompting. 

  Sophia, however?  She stayed right where she was, sinking to the grass like a boneless slug bug and letting her eyes drift closed for a brief second.  She stifled a shriek when she felt something cold slither across the back of her exposed neck.  “What the…stop it, Carl.”  In spite of her grumbling, she gratefully took the bottle of water he held out in offering, tipping it back and taking a long swallow.  Shooting a wondering glance at the boy she’d long considered her best friend. 

  Carl dropped down beside her, mindful of the clarinet she’d cast almost carelessly aside.  He’d left his own snare drum where he stood in his haste to seek her out, and he stared at her now, his blue eyes hidden behind the dark lenses of his shades. 

  Sophia’s fingertips fluttered self-consciously over her freckled cheeks and the long auburn ponytail coiled carelessly atop her head.  “What?” 

  Carl’s lips remained zipped.  They merely curled in a barely even there smirk and he shrugged. 

  Sophia narrowed her eyes at him, wholly unconvinced of his truthfulness.  They’d known each other since they were both in pullups and the wait to get their respective drivers’ licenses was almost over.  Of course, he was lying.  Even if he was doing it without words.  “Carl Richard Grimes!” 

  “Did you just full name me?” 

  “I just full named you and I’ll do it again.”     

  “Ooooo.  I’m so scared.” 

  “Don’t be such a…”  Sophia floundered for a word adequate enough to express her frustration.  A good clean word because that’s the way her mama had raised her, but really.  None of them were very satisfying. 

  Carl laughed.  “You can’t do it, can you?”  

  “Know it all jerk.” 

  “But you’re my favorite Disney princess, Soph,” Carl said, snagging the forgotten water bottle from her hands and taking a swig of his own.  “Jude’s too.” 

  An unwelcome smile twitched at the edges of Sophia’s affected pout.  “Shut up.” 

  “Alright,” Carl agreed easily enough. 

  The silence didn’t last long, though.  He was back to his insufferable teasing before they’d had time enough to finish the water bottle between them, and that didn’t take long at all.  “Carl.  I mean it.  Stop.” 

  “Stop what?”  Snickering as he dodged her annoyed little fists, he feigned innocence, “I didn’t even say anything.” 

  “Yeah, well.  You didn’t have to.  Just spit it out.” 

  “You want to spit it out?  You really want me to?” 

   “Please,” Sophia huffed, leaning forward to wrap her arms protectively around her updrawn legs.  She steadfastly ignored Carl’s gaze as she waited for him to put his particular brand of Sophia-torture into words and it definitely wasn’t the sun heating her cheeks when she spit out her last little piece of pleading encouragement.  “Do.” 

  “This one time.  At band camp…” 

  “I swear to God, Carl,” Sophia muttered miserably.     

  “You know Mr. Fogler said shade right?  Not Cade.” 

      On the other end of the football field, the indirect source of Sophia Peletier’s current humiliation was sweating his balls off doing drills for a team he wasn’t sure he even wanted to be a part of.  And it showed. 

  Coach Williams’s deep voice carried, across the clashing bodies and sticky late summer heat.  “Mr. Phillips.  Do you or do you not want to be here?” 

  Hands braced on his hips, jersey clinging wetly to his heaving chest, Cade figured there was no pussyfooting around the truth.  That shit never did anybody no good.  “Presently?  No, Sir.  At least Satan’s ass crack would have shade.”

  Appreciative snickers swelled, rising and traveling from teammate to potential teammate like a wave, and Coach Williams showed a brief, scary flash of teeth before sobering up and making full use of his huge, intimidating linebacker build.  “That so?” 

  Cade knew better than to waltz right into that trap.  He’d become quite adept over the years of sidestepping trouble when it come looking, and until he proved otherwise, Coach Williams weren’t any different than any other coach or teacher.  So he clamped his mouth shut and dropped to give the man twenty unasked.  Or at least he tried to.  The man stopped him with a boot on his back before he got ten good pushups in, barking at the whole lot of them to take a long overdue break.  The grass felt prickly beneath his sweaty pits when his limp noodle arms gave out on him, but Cade didn’t care.  A bottle of orange Gatorade appeared out of thin air, and he’d guzzled nearly the whole thing before he bothered looking up to see where it actually came from. 

  A short, stocky black kid stared down at him, something like admiration on his face. 

  Heaving himself over onto his back with a groan, Cade muttered his gratitude and shielded his eyes from that look and the sun. Both of them were pretty damn blinding in their own way.  He recited a silent prayer that the boy, who he vaguely recognized as a freshman, would just fuck off and leave him alone.  Like most of his prayers, it went unanswered. 

  “I’m Duane.  You’re Cade.” 

  Forcibly swallowing the overwhelming urge to mock the kid right to his oblivious face, Cade merely grunted an affirmation and lifted his arm to get a better peek at him.  He felt an unexpected twinge of guilt when he took in the boy’s slumped posture.  “Running back right?” 

  “Like you.” 

  Hardly, but Cade kindly chose not to point it out.  Instead, he made small talk best as he knew how.  “Didn’t I hear you say your dad has his own martial arts place down on Main?” 

  “He’s partners with Mr. Eastman, but yeah.  You been there?” 

  “Nope, but I’ve thought about it.  Think you can talk him into cutting me a sweet deal?  Might be nice to learn different ways to kick some ass.”  Handy, considering he knew next to nobody in this one-horse town and in his experience?  It never took long for welcomes to be worn out.  He left that part unsaid, too. 

  “I…I don’t know.  But I think so.  I’ll have to see.” 

  “You get on that.” 

  “I will.” 

  “Hey, Water Boy.  Why don’t you shut your trap and do your damn job?” 

  Duane sighed and made to push himself to his feet, but Cade jerked him back down.  “Nah.  I got this.” 

  “You don’t have to.” 

  “Do you trust me?  We got us a deal, right?” 

  “Right.” 

  “K then.  Watch this.”  Cade winked, standing up and stretching to his full height.  “Hey, lazy asshole.  Why don’t you get your own fucking water?” 

      “Man, you been back in town, what?  Almost a month and I’m the only person knows it.  I’m not accusing you of hiding, but…” 

  Wiping his greasy hands on the red rag that never strayed far from his back pocket, Daryl virtually dared T-Dog to continue his train of thought.  T smartly refused to take the bait, dropping the subject and ambling on over to join him in admiring his handy work.

  “You trying to put those Gas Monkey dudes outta business.”    

  “Stahp.”   

  “You think I’m kidding?  I ain’t.  I knew you was good.  I just didn’t know you was this good.  And it ain’t even your day job.”  

  “Hear that, Boss?” Axel oh-so-helpfully piped up.  “It ain’t ya day job.” 

  “Don’t reckon nobody yanked your chain, Mr. Monopoly.  You got them brakes fixed yet?” 

  Axel hemmed and hawed, but in the end, he admitted he had a lot of work still left to do. 

  When Daryl turned his attention back to T-Dog, his old friend was trying—and failing—to keep a straight face. 

  “Mr. Monopoly?” 

  “Yeah, well.  He shaves that shit off?  He’ll look more like the Planter’s Peanut.” 

  T-Dog guffawed, earning himself more than a couple dirty looks from the source of his endless amusement.  “Missed you ‘round these parts.  Can’t tell you how good it does me to see you back.  Even if I’ve never seen you leave these four walls.  How do you eat, Man?” 

  “Like an uncivilized pig,” Daryl deadpanned. 

  T’s grin stretched wide, but he was otherwise unperturbed.  “You said it.  Not me.”  Putting a few paces between them, he started absently inspecting some nearby tools.  “Little birdy down at the high school been talking.” 

  “Don’t ya mean tweeting?  That’s the big thing now,” Axel said, doing what he does best again.  Inserting himself into a conversation that didn’t involve him in the least.  “Tweeter.” 

  This time, T-Dog and Daryl both ignored him and Daryl was surprised to realize he wanted to hear more.  “Yeah?  What you been hearing?” 

  “Kid’s talented.  Going places if he decides to put in more effort.  If he keeps his nose clean and gives his school work the attention it deserves when classes start…” 

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” Daryl muttered.  “I’m trying.  Even if he ain’t.” 

  “Hey, Man.  I get it.  You two?  Ya’ll still getting to know each other.  I can’t imagine what it feels like for either one of you.” 

  Axel couldn’t resist butting in one more time, and Daryl decided fuck it.  He nodded.  Just let him. 

  “Woman showed up on his doorstep and basically said congratulations, it’s a boy.  Your problem now.  Now he’s just as much a daddy as he is an uncle.  Ain’t fair if you ask me.  Got all the responsibility without getting to have any of the fun.” 

  Well, shit.  He hadn’t exactly thought about it in those particular terms, but the twitchy little bastard weren’t exactly wrong.  “Back to work.  Ain’t telling you no more.”  To T-Dog, he simply sighed and raked a tired hand over his unshaven face.  “I’m trying.  I am.” 

  “Kid’s gonna have to meet you halfway.” 

  “Try three quarters.” 

  “Axel!”   

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Do you have any unpopular opinions regarding TWDG?

Oh boy, let’s see…

- Conrad is one of the best characters in ANF.

I fucking love this dude.

If I remember correctly, when the game first came out, nearly everyone killed him in the sewers. Every youtuber I watched at the time did and the ending statistics were very onesided. So I don’t know if it’s unpopular because most people just killed him off because “CLEM!” or if it’s because they genuinely don’t like him but I never see anyone talk about Conrad. 

Minor character or not, this dude goes through some shit. Not only has he lost a child in the past, but he watches his girlfriend get tortured and murdered AND he loses his home all at the same time. He’s absolutely heartbroken [did you see him fall and cry??] and in his grief, he blames Javier which fair enough. And the whole thing with the sewers is understandable when you aren’t thinking “DO EVERYTHING CLEM SAYS”. He sincerely apologizes for it. AND he has one of the coolest kills when you let him take care of Badger. AND he does save Javier’s life. AND he’s just underrated, man. 

And while on the subject of ANF and it’s characters…

- I wish Carlos survived to the end of s2.

This one’s a little weird because I don’t necessarily love Carlos, but I do wish we had more focus on him and Sarah in s2. And while I actually don’t mind the way he died [it was realistic given the circumstances of the group getting shot at while escaping through the walkers y’know] I do mind that his death amounted to nothing. 

Because Sarah dies anyway. 

If he died and Sarah lived and got her to come to terms with it, then it’d be a different story. But, like the rest of the cabin group, he was tossed away to make room for Kenny and Jane. 

Of all the characters, Carlos is one I really wanted more backstory on. And with all the speculation that he did know it was a dog bite and just wanted to keep Clementine away from Sarah, it really makes me curious about the lengths he’d go to to keep Sarah in that bubble, no matter how damaging it is. 

I’ve recently thought about an ending where Clementine goes with Carlos and Sarah and he admits his guilt in intentionally not helping her, and Clem getting the choice of forgiving him or not. I dunno. Just a thought. 

- The St Johns are some of the best antagonists in the series

And I feel that way because these are people that you would 100% find in the apocalypse. Like, they’re fucking cannibals butchering people because “hey, the dead do nothin’ but eat people now and why let that meat go to waste??” which is super fucked. And terrifying. 

We’re brought to this place that’s seemingly untouched [untainted if you will] but the end of the world and everything’s hunky dory and suddenly Mark’s upstairs with his legs cut off and WE’RE GONNA EAT HIM. 

They just… cut his legs off. He 100% would’ve survived that arrow shot but THEY BUTCHERED HIM. AND FED HIS MEAT TO HIS FRIENDS. AND WERE GONNA BUTCHER THE REST OF THEM FOR TRADE. 

And honestly? I really wish that Andy wasn’t determinant and replaced the Stranger. Him or Jolene. Anyone but the Stranger. 

- S4 is better than S1

Don’t know if this is unpopular, but I enjoy playing s4 over s1. I know everyone loves s1 because “LEE! Cute Clementine! Sad ending!” and all, and I agree, but… The controls in s1 are the worst throughout the series, like every time I have to shoot walkers I get super frustrated. Everyone dies aside from Clementine, Omid, Christa, and Kenny [and Molly and the cancer patients and whatnot but you get what I mean] and the Stranger is one of the worst antagonists in the series. There’s also a lot of characters that get introduced that I don’t care about [Ben’s teacher/classmate, most of the cancer patients like Brie and Vernon, ect]

And while I love Lee and Clementine’s dynamic, I do find that I like Clementine and AJ’s just a little bit more. The whole thing with AJ always listening and being molded by what you tell him, but also realizing that Clementine’s not always right and he has to make his own choices sometimes, is one of my favorite things of the game. 

I also care about each and every member of the school. I love them all, even Marlon and all his shady ratboyness. And I didn’t care about any side characters the way I care about Louis. Like, I love Omid and Christa and Molly, but compared to Louis the feelings are lukewarm. 

The controls are SO much better in s4. I can shoot things without wanting to bash my head into the TV. 

And Lilly and the Delta as the main antagonists are great. I give Lilly a lot of shit because fuck her, but even I won’t deny that she’s a good antagonist. I mean, she has to be if I hate her the way I do, right? I feel a lot more for her than I ever did for the Stranger. Same goes for Minerva and the other delta members, too. 

It’s not perfect, but I still love it and it’s my personal favorite of the 4 seasons.

-

Those are some “unpopular” opinions that I can think of off the top of my head.  

[merzbow]

Who are some of your fav non-white musicians? They are incredibly underrepresented and I really want to listen to and support more of them

oh my god, where to start? there’s so many and it’s all like, varying across a bunch of genres and some aren’t the most accessible but i’ll name the ones off the top of my head, some with description so you can decide who to listen to from what you think you might like.

The Mars Volta — progressive rock. one of my favorite bands of all time. almost everyone that played in TMV was/is non-white (and they had a lot). TMV was the Omar and Cedric show, but there would be no TMV without founding members Jon Theodore (one of my favorite drummers of all time) and the late Ikey Owens (who was their pianist). listen to De-loused in the Comatorium (2003) from beginning to end, and if you end up liking TMV, then work your way through their discography. it’s worth it.

At the Drive-In — post-hardcore, progressive. Omar and Cedric’s previous band. the most influential, and arguably the most important post-hardcore band of all time. every one except Jim Ward and his replacement is non-white. start with their third studio album Relationship of Command (2000), and if you have never heard their song One Armed Scissor, you absolutely have to.

Omar Rodríguez-López — progressive rock, indie pop, almost every genre under the sun. one of my favorite guitarists of all time. it’s impossible to condense his 49 album discography (and those are just solo albums) into a blurb so i’m not gonna try. afro Puerto-Rican. multi-instrumentalist (guitar, bass, to name a couple), producer, composer, songwriter, director. it’s easier to list the things Omar isn’t and hasn’t done.

Dance Gavin Dance — post-hardcore, progressive. DGD has a long, complicated history, but almost every album they have ever released is solid. their guitarist, founder, and honest-to-god visionary Will Swan is one of my favorite guitarists of all time. Will is black and latino (specifically half Mexican). i’ve been a fan since 2010. the best albums to start with are probably the last two latest releases which are Artificial Selection (2018) and Mothership (2016), but my personal favorite albums are Dance Gavin Dance (self-titled, 2008), Happiness (2009), and Acceptance Speech (2013)

the rest of the recommendations are under this read more bc this is long.

Hail the Sun — post-hardcore, progressive. Donovan Melero is one of my favorite drummers of all time, he’s also the front man/vocalist of HTS. He’s Latinx, specifically Mexican-American. Guitarist Aric Garcia is also Latinx. my favorite HTS album is Wake (2014), but their latest album Mental Knife (2018) is a good place to start. 

Sianvar — progressive rock/post-hardcore. super group consisting of the previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), and Sergio Medina (Stolas). they recently went on a indefinite hiatus/disbanded this year. they have one self titled EP released in 2014, and a studio album called Stay Lost (2016).

Secret Band — post-hardcore, progressive, on the heavy side. side-project/side-group of Will and the other DGD members, basically DGD without the clean vocals/singing.

Royal Coda — post-hardcore, progressive. super-group consisting of the (again) previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), Sergio Medina (Stolas, Sianvar) and ex-Dance Gavin Dance singer Kurt Travis. definitely listen to Compassion (2019).

Frank Ocean — indie pop. probably the most popular artist i’ve mentioned, besides Earl, or DG, or Denzel. also probably my favorite singer of all time, also probably my favorite bisexual of all time. listen to Blond (2016).

Mitski —indie pop. Mitski is bisexual, Japanese-American woman. her music honestly means a lot to me, all the topics are so personally relatable as another bi asian girl. Puberty 2 (2016) is my favorite Mitski album.

Japanese Breakfast —indie pop. Michelle is a bisexual, Korean-American woman. listen to Psychopomp (2016).

FKA twigs—indie pop.Twigs is incredibly talented, if you like musicians like Kate Bush then she’s perfect for you; she makes incredible music and I couldn’t recommend MAGDALENE (2019) enough.

JPEGMAFIA — experimental rap. Peggy’s latest album All My Heroes Are Cornballs (2019) was released just recently (september 13!), while that’s a good album to start with i recommend starting with his second studio album Veteran (2018). favorite songs from Veteran to name a few are: Baby I’m Bleeding, I Cannot Fucking Wait Until Morrissey Dies, 1539 N. Calvert, and Rock N Roll is Dead.

Denzel Curry — experimental rap. start with Ta13oo/Taboo (2018), or ZUU (2019)

Danny Brown — experimental rap. start with either Atrocity Exhibition (2016) or XXX (2012), either way, you can’t go wrong.

Earl Sweatshirt — experimental rap. honestly, pick any of his three studio albums to listen to and you’re set, but Doris (2013) is probably the most accessible/easiest album to start with.

Death Grips — experimental rap. y’all already probably know who DG are and who Ride is, so i don’t have to introduce them/him. recommended: Exmilitary (2011), No Love Deep Web (2012), and The Money Store (2012).

Kero Kero Bonito — indie pop. Sarah Midori Perry, also known as Sarah Bonito, is British-Japanese. listen to Bonito Generation (2015)

Covet — math rock, instrumental. their front woman/guitarist, Yvette Young, is Chinese-American.

Stolas — post-hardcore, progressive. disbanded in 2018, still worth listening to. this is Sergio Medina’s original band, again if you ended up liking ATDI, or TMV, or DGD, you will absolutely love Stolas. Sergio is latino (specifically Mexican and Argentine), i absolutely love his guitar playing, he’s honestly so underrated.

honorable mentions, not necessarily my favorites but i do like and listen to these bands/artists/musicians.

Animals As Leaders — progressive metal, instrumental. there’s nothing about Tosin Abasi’s guitar playing i can say that thousand of others haven’t said before, he’s beyond amazing. Tosin is Nigerian-American, and AAL’s second guitarist Javier Reyes is latino. If you like heavy virtuoso/technical music like maybe, Dream Theater, then AAL is perfect for you.

Nova Charisma — progressive rock. this is Donovan and Sergio’s current side project, Nova Charisma is officially just a duo but their drummer is ex-Stolas drummer Carlo Marquez (who is close friends with both Donovan and Sergio). Nova Charisma is boneless TMV, and i mean that in a very good way (both Donovan and Sergio are heavily influenced by TMV and ATDI). that might change with future releases though, since they only have a three song EP out as of right now.

Periphery — progressive metal. guitarist and founder Misha Mansoor is insanely fucking talented. Misha is Indian-Mauritian.

Chon — progressive rock, instrumental. Mario Camarena, Nathan Camarena, and Esiah Camarena are all Mexican-American.

Polyphia — progressive rock, instrumental. Tim Henson, their guitarist, is half Chinese.

Trivium — early stuff is metalcore, current stuff is metalcore and thrash metal influenced american heavy metal Matt Heafy is Japanese-American, and does a mean James Hetfield impression if you’re into that.

popular/mainstream bands that have members of color and/or musicians of color that i also enjoy/love that you probably already know of:

Metallica (Metal/Thrash Metal. this one’s pretty obvious, since this is a Metallica blog… anyway, Kirk is Filipino (like me), and Rob is Mexican-American/latino.)

The Smashing Pumpkins (Rock. their guitarist, James Iha, is Japanese-American. you have to listen to Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.)

Jimi Hendrix (Rock. Jimi is black, and the greatest guitarist of all time, duh, i don’t have to explain this one.)

John Coltrane (Jazz. the jazz GOAT. listen to A Love Supreme.)

Miles Davis (Jazz. Miles is the GOAT beside Coltrane, if you’ve never listened to Bitches Brew you absolutely have to.)

Rage Against The Machine (Rap metal. Tom Morello is black and Zach de la Rocha is latino.)

Deftones (Rock. Almost all of the band members are latino, with the exception of their first bassist who was Asian and a couple of others.)

Jane’s Addiction (Hard rock. Dave Navarro is latino.)

Soundgarden (Grunge. Kim Thayil is Indian.)

Alice In Chains (Grunge. William DuVall is black and Mike Inez is Filipino.)

My Chemical Romance (Pop-punk. Ray Toro is latino.)

Fall Out Boy (Pop-punk. Pete Wentz is black.)

Playboi Carti (Rap. Carti’s black. please listen to Die Lit.)

Megan Thee Stallion (Rap. Meg is absolutely lovable and supremely talented, and I absolutely adore her. steam her music!)

LAST UPDATED: August 7, 2020